Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24982950-20141205164752/@comment-24101790-20141205232111

The Cyborg Pie wrote: No advice? So the admin that took this down was just batch deleting 2 week old marked for review was he/she? You cant tell me its not good enough but not tell me how to improve. Thats hipocrosy.

And you haven't asked the admin who deleted it? Seems like laziness.

From what I can see, the dialogue needs to be spaced out (each new speaker starting a new line.) Additionally there are some issue with dialogue. "The girl said(comma missing) "Non, non..." You need to put commas before starting dialogue.

The second perspective start is weak. (As are most stories told in second person perspective as it limits character action/reaction.) Also I would refrain from using ellipses outside of dialogue pauses and omitting words from quotations as it just comes off as melodramatic. (Okay guys, now dramatic pause for effect in the story.)

Finally the vignette seems like it could use some fleshing out. It seems like you had three separate ideas, but didn't want to spend the time fleshing them out and building tension.