Talk:The Christmas Krampus/@comment-1198866-20180126201737

This has some potential, but there are two major things dragging it down:


 * This narrator does not act or sound remotely like a seven-year-old. I know there are smart seven-year-olds out there, and I know the narrator is supposed to be precocious, seven-year-olds don't use words like "silhouetted" and "lanky" and "grotesque" even if they're very intelligent. Seven-year-olds do not "bear witness" to things (nor do they "bare witness", since "bare" in that context means "naked"). It breaks the immersion and makes it clear that the author is an adult who doesn't know the cadence of a child's speech.


 * This pasta is entirely too long. The story really drags, especially near the middle where the narrator gets overly descriptive of everything. No one who is afraid for their life would describe the things they see in such detail or in such florid prose. Most of the things they see would likely slip their minds as they're running away from a bunch of evil toys and monsters.

There are a lot of little things too (for example, the pictures are entirely pointless and should be deleted) making for a very mediocre whole. Many of these issues could be fixed if the narrator was a good deal older, a tween or a teen maybe, and chasing after their younger sibling a la Labyrinth. That would add a level of personal danger as well and help the audience connect more with this character.

Then there's this moment: The last monstrous reindeer looked like a hellish Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

"Blitzkrieg."

I legit laughed out loud at this part for over a minute. There's so much wrong with the evil reindeer section it's almost amazing. Horror-comedy is a thin line to walk, and this pushed the story firmly onto the Comedy side. This needs to go since it ruins whatever atmosphere the story had built up. Thanks for the laugh, though.