Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26416562-20150531040250/@comment-25052433-20150605000825

Well, far be it for me to go along with the crowd, but in this case, I do have to agree with the general perception. As a short story, this one really sort of lacked that little extra umph that really makes a pasta jump out at me.

Asside from teh grammar issues, which I think everyone else here has done a really great job at pointing out, my biggest issues came from the plot itself, and how it developed.

For one, the actions of the main character seem rather artificial, either being too exaggerated or kept too meager. For example, he/she freaks out and starts crying himself to sleep while still in the mystery solving, information gathering phase of the story. Yet when he is strapped down in a spaceship, learning that he is about to be cut open, he seems really calm and collective. Seems to be that this should have been the other way around.

Of course, the next big issues comes in your choice to write first person. I mean, since this kid ends up flying through space getting cut open, who exactly is he telling this story to?

The book writing itself also seems a bit ridiculous. You state early on that the fake parents can still talk with the main character, so why do they suddenly need to use the book to communicate. Also, if they were trying to be stealthy, why was the book so easily found, especially while they were out of the house. Had the character been quick enough, he may have been able to escape and expose them. (Which I personally think would have made for a better ending than what you ended up using.)

The entire spaceship concept at the end also felt a bit too extreme. This went from being a story about a kid investigating his odd parents to a kid zipping across the galaxy in a spaceship. Seemed like more of a South Park episode than a Creepypasta.

Not the mention, the kid assumes just from being on a table that he is on a spaceship. That also felt really ariticial, as you didn't describe any of the surroundings in a manner that would lead me to believe that he actually had enough evidence to make a statement that he was on a ship.

Best possible fixes for this one:

-Keep the overall plot, as I think it is really cool. I like the idea of the parents being replaced but acting generally the same, just dropping subtle hints here and there. However, I would make those subtle hints into accidents on the alien's part. The chocolate allergy was a good one, for example. I would draw out the suspense longer, perhaps starting the story with the kid being in his normal state of mind, and slowly learning of the invader's intentions.

-I would suggest 3rd person tense here instead of 1st, it would work better for your ending.

-Take out the self writing book. It just doesn't work for me in this story.

-The spaceship could also go. If you really want the aliens to kill the kid at the end, the entire operation would be more believable, and creepy, if done in his basement.

-Continue to repair grammar, I found quite a few issues.

-Personally, I would like a broader ending. It seems that the aliens went through all of this just to cut some kid open. Didn't really fit all the effort they were going through. Plus, maybe you could give  a reason why this particular kid was chosen. If he was just a random selection, I would add that in as well.

-When a living creature is cut open and studied while alive, it's called a vivisection.

Over all this is a good story that I can see you salvaging and keeping much of the basic plot and concept alive. Just hammer out a few of the larger issues and let us take a look at a couple revisions, and I think you'll find that this works quite well. The plot is solid, you just need to work on your execution.