Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37691073-20190826232304/@comment-35711173-20190829232736

InternetDisneya,

That's a lot better! I see distinct improvement here. You have shown motivation, background emotion, and a clear plan. We can relate.

I think you can improve it even more. I don't like those time stamps. You can blend it together to show the passage of time for the day by using more subtle clues. Lunchtime crowd at the store, for example. It doesn't matter if it is 12:15 or 12:37, you know what a hungry crowd of office workers rushing to get their fried McCholesterol and some quick shopping look like. Likewise, it's breakfast or morning for the bird, after work traffic for the party, etc.

Since this is a creepypasta and not a detailed murder mystery, what I am saying next probably isn't relevant. I'll say it anyway in case you do have answers for it that you may want to blend into the story. I accept the purchase of something deadly as a poison as a plot device, well enough. I can't think of anything sold in like a Walmart or a Home Depot with that degree of lethality with the exception of some pharmaceuticals or the right illegal drugs sold behind the dumpsters outside. Also, a lot of people wouldn't touch cupcakes, myself included.