Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25623211-20141104184838/@comment-24056975-20141106042127

First off, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad to help. You should be sure to have someone other than me read it over, though. Workshopping is all about getting multiple opinions and incorporating them how you see fit. Beware close friends and family, they tend to be too worried about protecting your self esteem than actually helping.

I'll warn you, my background is in video so I still don't have all the intricacies of prose grammar and punctuation down. The trick I was taught is to read every passage out loud to yourself, and if it doesn't sound right then something must be wrong somewhere.

I have fewer notes this time, mostly small fixes. Keep in mind that you don't need to make every word-choice change I suggest. I only spitball possibilities.

Notes:

"I arose slightly..." is "slightly" needed here. Is he only half out of bed? I know that you're going for half awake but it's not quite the same.

You might be able to drop "Arriving within," and just go into "I splashed my face..."

Missed a space in "No,not important."

You have present tense "need" where you should use past tense "needed."

"Maybe she didn't regress to old habits" says something slightly different than the last draft did. You may be able to come closer to the last one with "Hopefully she didn't."

"Her form did not even move to breath." This sentence doesn't feel right to me. "Her chest wasnt even rising and falling."

"THe ticking is louder." is a weak statement with a minor typo and a tense change. Use a better verb than "is," and in past tense like "grew."

When describing the clock-eye, I'd replace "a big tarnished copper one merged into her face" with "a tarnished copper disc under her long lashes."

"Dead" should be capitalized when it is used as a complete sentence.

"She didn't speaks she didn't need to." "Speak" should not end in "s" here. You could also break this bit up with either a period or comma, depending on how much connection you want between the two parts.

I like the "Ticking. Adjectival ticking" format your using now. I'd keep it with one more positive adverb for the last one rather than the question mark. Maybe even replace the period with a comma on these. Think about you word choice, this is the place for it to go from bad to worse and good to better. I like "glorious" as the last one. Are "horrid" and "terrible" worse than "Dreadful?" Oh, and you misspelled "dreadfull."

I'm questioning the line "I started feeling bad." It's too bald. Maybe something along the lines of "I felt hollow, now that she was gone." Something with a little more feeling.