Talk:Bedtime/@comment-25094376-20140622233131

This is an excellent story. The writing is incredibly vivid, and your feel for suspense and fear are both top-notch.

The writer in me kinda has to be picky, though. Bear with me.

First, the narrator's age. In the third paragraph it's stated that the narrator was only a year old at the time of this story, with a brother who is 25. This just seemed... unrealistic. Many of the actions he performs (moving furniture, dashing to his mother's jewelry box for something, etc.) would be pretty ridiculous for a 1-year-old child to attempt. It's even mentioned that he can't even walk yet, but attends school... something most kids don't start until the age of 4 or 5. This might seem like a petty issue, but it really bothered me for most of the story and took away from my immersion. Easy fix though; if he were introduced as being six years old, it'd be perfect. I also found it hard to believe that a 25-year-old man would still be living with his parents AND forced to share a room with his little brother, but that's less of an issue :P

Second gripe, I just feel that the climax could have been described a LITTLE better. All I need to know is the position of the ghost; once the boy learns it is in his bed, nothing further is given to describe the creature's position; is it sleeping next to him, on top of him, at his feet, what? Bits and pieces are revealed throughout the course of the scene, but it's pretty jumbled. I had difficulty getting a proper image of it to be honest.

But hey, I don't want to sound too critical here. This is still a FANTASTIC story, and I enjoyed it a great deal. Certainly worthy of its commendations. I'd give this an 8.5/10, and with the above errors corrected, easily a 10.