Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27767333-20160209202401/@comment-26425680-20160212232158

I can tell that you put a lot of thought into this. Usually that's a good thing, but here, it's probably the cause of this story's biggest problem. Specifically, you tried to cram every fact and every detail into this story without any consideration as to whether it would be entertaining or not. Rather than unfolding an interesting narrative, you over-explain everything. In the end, I felt like I was reading a textbook, not a creepypasta. Here's an example of what I'm talking about, read carefully and look for the redundancies in your writing:

''"They almost look like wisps, floating through the air with a sense of grace and fluidity. However, it’s almost a dark light. They emit something that allows them to see in the blackness of a bedroom at midnight, however the Sandmen are pitch black in colour and it’s not light as any human understands it. Humans can see around the room, but it’s hard for them to understand how." ''

First, they look like wisps, then they're pitch black, then they're not a light form that humans can understand. I'm sure this all made perfect sense to you when you thought of it, but for the reader, who's trying to imagine what they look like, digesting all this becomes a chore. Basically, you took something which should've been simple and completely overthought it.

Another issue of TMI is your first paragraph. It's completely unnecessary (save for possibly the first sentence). It adds nothing to your pasta, and your second paragraph has a much better hook to it.

Also, your ending, where (surprise!) the bad guy is the narrator, isn't original at all.

Rather than give us a textbook explanation of these beings, you'd be better off writing an actual story about someone's interactions with them.