Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25046601-20140610181126/@comment-24077689-20140611145315

I appreciate what you're trying to do with this. You're actually trying to make poetry. That tickles my funny bone. It's been said already, your formatting is terrible. Your meter needs a lot of work, it goes from being a poem to when they decide to run/turn on the lights it loses all that bouncy melody you'd established. If you want to put pauses in, I'd suggest using dashes.

I'd suggest reading Dreamland by Edgar Allen Poe for an excellent example of using dashes and cleverly using punctuation.