Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25975226-20150401085748

I know my story was created really quickly, and this probably won't be my final copy, but I just wanted to post this completed story draft for review and feedback to see if I am heading down the right path or whether I should abandon the idea and start over. Any and all feedback is appreciated considering I have never entered before. Thank you :)

Alexia turned to her mother, or rather turned in her mother’s direction because it was far too dark to see even an inch beyond her own nose in the cellar. She had had enough of the cramped space she had been forced to live in for the week, and she was beginning to forget what the sun looked like.

The dimensions of their tiny crypt were just ten feet in length, five feet in width and three feet in height. Suffice it to say that living in it for a whole week was less than comfortable.

“Can we go now, mum?” Alexia asked her mother. She was sure to be somewhere in the darkness.

“Almost, honey. Today’s the day though, I know it,” a voice whispered back to her from the black abyss. Her mother seemed to be about four feet away from her, judging by how discernible the whisper was to Alexia.

Alexia figured that her mother was located just under the trapdoor, possibly with her hand at the ready on the handle. She breathed in the musty, damp air; thoughts of outside once again flooded her mind for about the eighty-third time that day. She was ready to be free.

Alexia grabbed her notebook from its hiding place below some kind of beam she had found in the room one week ago. Her stomach rumbled. It had been a few days since she had last eaten any food, but she put her hunger aside and pulled on the paper until it broke free from underneath the beam.

She felt around underneath the rigid plank for the pen she had carefully placed below it seven days before, and her fingers closed around the cold plastic. She tucked it into her jean’s pocket, turned to face the opposite direction towards the trapdoor, and closed the notebook and tucked it into the back of her jeans, concealing it with her shirt.

Her back hurt from having to constantly bend over in the tiny room, but she was filled with relief by the thought that in about two minutes, all of that would be over. Her mother and she had been hiding in that little space for more than enough time now. Everyone would’ve been evacuated long ago. Alexia was done hiding.

She was also growing tired of the strange buzzing noise on her left. It would come and go every now and then and just as she would try and go to sleep too. She had been on the verge of tears the day before, and she was ready to get out of the cellar.

She pulled her long brown hair into a ponytail, feeling just how greasy it was after seven days without a shower. She made a mental note to never go a week without showering again, and attempted to wipe the grime off of her face as best as she could.

Without warning, the trapdoor flew open and the entire space was filled with blinding radiance. Alexia’s arm flew to her face, shielding her eyes from the light. After a few minutes, the pain disappeared and she was able to see again. Her mother was sitting underneath the trapdoor, her dress covered in dirt and sweat. She looked terrible.

In the initial rush to evacuate Indigo Valley, Alexia and her mother had found the tiny room and jumped in without a second thought with enough food to last them a few days, and water to last a week. Now Indigo Valley was a barren wasteland in appearance; no people, animals or anything even moved within the small town’s streets.

Alexia turned around to observe the basement surrounding them. She looked to the beam which had been the hiding place for her notebook and pen, and almost threw-up.

It was, in actual fact, a rotting corpse laying face down with its hands by its sides. It looked as though the face had been badly beaten in, perhaps the cause of death. A few maggots crawled out of the dead man’s ears, and there were flies buzzing near the rotting meat of his legs. It had smelled really bad in that cellar, but Alexia had never thought that a body....

She bolted out the trapdoor and into the blinding sun, refusing to acknowledge that there ever was a corpse in the basement with them for an entire week. Just a figment of your imagination Alexia, she thought to herself, despite knowing the actual truth. She couldn’t let it interfere with her freedom.

“Stop!” Alexia heard a faint, but urgent whisper come from the opening of the trapdoor. It was her mother’s sickly voice, being carried by the breeze.

“What? Why?” Alexia turned back to the door and looked down where her mother was still shielding her eyes. Her mother was so thin and gangly, it almost made Alexia cry. She never wanted to see her mother like this. Nevertheless, her curiousity about her mother’s request drove her to continue staring.

“I didn’t... open it,” spluttered her mother, slowly removing her hands from her face, worry clearly evident in her widened eyes. Alexia’s heart surged and, without thinking, she reached down and hauled her mother from the cellar. She was strong for a seventeen year old.

“No time,” said Alexia, “Let’s go.”

She dragged her mother along behind her as they wove their way through the empty streets of Indigo Valley. Alexia talked to her mother as she ran.

“We have to find out what’s going on here. This place isn’t what it used to be. We know that now. I mean, with that weird evacuation message and everything? I don’t know what to think anymore. The point is we have to find out what the hell is going on here, without getting caught. Will you be okay to investigate with me, Mum?” Alexia asked, turning back to look at her wan mother. Alexia cringed and continued running.

“Yes, sweety. I just... I’m not used to... running just yet. But I know... we have to go... fast. Talk about something else. Who opened... that trapdoor?” replied her mother, her voice a thin and fragile and murmur. Alexia tried not to think about it, she had a job to do.

“I have no idea. But I don’t want to investigate,” Alexia replied as she sprinted down a sharp corner. Suddenly, a large door loomed in front of them. Alexia was sure that the door hadn’t existed a week ago. It wasn’t largely evident at first glance, but upon further examination it was quite clearly there.

It was transparent, located in the middle of the entrance street into Indigo Valley. Only faint, barely recognizable lines making out a rectangular shape assured Alexia that the door was in fact there.

“Mum, what the hell is that?” Alexia asked her mother as they slowed to a stop in front of it.

“What? Oh my...is that a...door?” puffed Alexia’s mother, and Alexia nodded her head.

“Well, I mean, at least I think it is,” Alexia answered. “Mum, correct me if I’m wrong but I’m ninety-nine percent sure that there never used to be a door on the entrance road to our town.”

“Never,” breathed Alexia’s mother as she stepped closer to it. Now that it was more evident, the lines framing it seemed to throb rhythmically, as if engineered to pulse its black light in time to some kind of inaudible beat.

Alexia’s mother placed her hand on the door and began to push; it opened with ease. Blaring white light flooded out from the open space, and suddenly the town was filled with voices. Alexia hadn’t realized just how quiet it had been with the absense of people until now.

Suddenly a man in a white coat and with a mask over his mouth and nose was standing in front of them with a gun. Alexia heard a loud noise, and then she looked down to see her belly oozing a crimson substance. She remained conscious for just enough time to see her mother get shot as well, and to see the man turn the gun back towards her head. Then there was nothing but blackness.

''' EXPERIMENT #4: Town Evacuation Module '''

Aim: To test particular subjects’ fight or flight responses to outside stimulus/stimuli.

Conclusion: Failure (subjects expired)

Additional Notes: When the re-trial is commenced the door must be concealed better, or in a less conspicuous manner. Both subjects ‘Alexia’ and ‘Lucinda’ perished. Only so many can be spared without people noticing. More care needs to be taken with the subjects. 