Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35070221-20180926235136/@comment-35711173-20180927010958

Urncle, You need to proof read this carefully. I see punctuation errors. I see run-on sentences. I see areas where the sentences don't make sense.

Many sentences just don't quite make sense. I have to struggle so much to decrypt "That was when I saw her grab a squirrel that was attempting to escape her by running up a tree, get grabbed by the tail." in paragraph 5 that I lose suspension of disbelief and start thinking of things like why the squirrel didn't get jerked instead of losing its tail. You don't want that. You want a smooth flow.

"That was when my arm started to hurt, I decided to remove my bandages, and what I saw made my heart stop, my veins in my arm were all black, my skin was turning gray, and the bite marks left by Sky were oozing some sort of black pus-like goo. " should be the reveal, but it is too much of a run-on sentence. Try this:

''When my arm started to hurt, I removed my bandages. What I saw made my heart stop. My veins in my arm were all black. My skin was turning gray and the bite marks left by Sky were oozing some sort of black pus-like goo.''

Isn't that clearer and easier to understand?

Dr. Bob

PS, https://www.scribens.com/ is good at detecting run-on sentences. That might help. It often screws you over if you paste from scribens to something else. If you use it, fix your problems in scribens and then duplicate the fixes on your good copy.