Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26095228-20150210150848/@comment-26027160-20150210213303

There are several small mistakes spread throughout the text. One of the major ones is the tense "jumping" from present continious to past, which occurs throughout the whole story. Try to keep to one tense. If you wish to highlight the ending with present tense, write most of the story in past tense. Try to limit the "...". It is okay to use once or twice to highlight an unfinished thought, but not more.

Anyways, sorry for being picky. The grammar is, technically, the only thing that needs improvement in this story (but, of course, any story can always get better than it already is). I enjoyed the concept. The only thing that might be written better is "Kill, torture, gore, bits, blood, blood, BLOOD", as you go from "kill" to "blood". To reach a more gross effect, you might try to start with the milder "blood" and then gradually move on to "kill" (blood, gore, bits, torture, kill). This will also make sense in terms of the voices getting stronger and increasing the character's "kill-lust".

I encourage you to continue working with the story. I hope to see it up on the site soon!