Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25332942-20140822204353/@comment-25558572-20140823081523

You have a lot of spelling and capitalization errors. (What does the word "thro" mean, for instance? Was that a mistake?) Run this through a proofreader before posting it next time, and the wall of text made it almost unreadable. I hope I spaced it out correctly.

The poem itself reads okay, but it has a lot of redundancies. Phrases like "As hours passed and minutes lingered" (how can minutes linger of hours are passing?) and "hammered and hammered" could be shortened down to just one word. Streamlining your work is a little less important in poetry than in stories, but simpler descriptions that still convey an image are easily readable and work better.

Also, you say in the second line that "The girl of innocense, youth, and grace,..a person like you or me" but you don't describe why this character was innocent, youthful or graceful. This whole line seems unnecessary.

Poems don't always have to follow a rhyme scheme. It sounds better if they do sometimes, but it restricts your phrasing and can easily make things sound awkward if you don't choose your words very carefully.

The premise seemed shaky. I really didn't understand what was going on in the poem. I get that the brother killed his sister (I think?) even though no reason for this was established, which made it seem weak and kind of uninspired. If you do want to include murder in a creepypasta or poem, you have to make sure that the murderer has a solid, believable motive for killing their victim. It helps a lot in the scare factor.

The last line was also really cliched. How can we believe that it's just the beginning if we have no reason to believe that the story can continue? Making a good ending is challening, I can give you that, because you need to be very careful of cliches. Anything like "This is just the beginning", "you're next", "I'm writing this so it won't get you next" isn't frightening unless we have a very good reason for believing why we might be next.

If this was properly proofread and formatted, it may not be deleted, but it really just didn't seem scary to me. It was well-phrased in parts, but poetry is very difficult to write and you're better off making a story instead.