Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25616392-20141103012334/@comment-24040907-20141104074911

Greeting Fardolith,

You mentioned this was a pilot episode? I certainly hope so, as it feels like there needs to be more at the end. Many things went unexplained, which I hope can be addressed in a sequel. Questions linger, questions like;

What type of occult practice did Cat partake in to become...whatever it is she is?

What is she?

Cat appears to be a guiding angel throughout the story, trying to protect the protagonist. Why would she suddenly turn on him in an elevator?

No, I'm serious, what is she?

Is this like a split-personality thing? Blue-eyed Cat is evil and green-eyed Cat is good?

Why did the nurse's face melt off?

Building off what Oni said, using The Cold as a dread factor in the Netherlands was a foolish choice. The fog was an interesting signal for the antagonist's arrival, but there wasn't enough build up to truly quicken one's pulse. Don't be afraid to stretch this story out, we aren't going anywhere.

Concerning Grammar:

Keep the question mark. We are reading the ravings of a man who is either dying or recalling a deadly experience. It only makes sense that he'd be confused, unsure if he truly passed out or not.

Create new paragraphs for your quotations. Don't immerse them within your non-dialogue text. "This is incorrect," said Tyber.

"But this is correct," said Tyber.

That's all I have for you. I've found this to be a sound, original story in need of some extra content. Let me know when the final version goes live, if you'll please.

Rating 4.09/10