Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24991749-20140625165153/@comment-24101790-20140626192431

Cascaval13 wrote: Booboofinger wrote: First observation is that it seems like you have something against periods. You either use ellipses or commas when you should use periods. That...makes your story...hard...to...read...

You also need to break paragraphs when you have a different person talking in a dialog.

Whenever you have a list of people that includes yourself, the "me" or "I" should be the last person on the list.

There were also some weird expressions: "...you did a big bullshit there boy, so don't mess up again with them, ok?" the word "bullshit" usually means a lie or exaggeration. I think what you were trying to say is that he fucked up? Also, ok should be spelled okay when it's part of a conversation.

"... and i felt guilty for her, ..." why would you feel guilty for her? She didn't do anything wrong.

"Ma'am Nicklebotten,that kind, warmhearted women, didn't told my mom the truth?" women is plural. also "didn't tell my mom."

" deceased many years before" use "many years ago" instead.

Another inconsistency. If her husband died in WW II, how did the narrator know him? WW II ended in 1945, that was almost 70 years ago. Your narrator does not seem to be anywhere near 80 years old, so how could he have known her husband?

I could go on. But there are many such errors throughout the story and my comments would end up being longer than the story itself.

What I recommend is that you proofread this a little better and also look for plot holes like the one I mentioned as well. Look, I'm narrating the story, because it happend in the past. The narrator is actually me 10 years after the incident. And you're right, there are still few grammatical errors, so I should correct them, I don't think I've made so much mistakes that you could comment something bigger than my own story. I should reconsider that. Edit: Also you didn't considered that, Mrs.Nicklebotten maybe talked with Gabriel about her husband when he was little, because as a teenager nobody would spend their time with a 86 year-old lady.

There are still a large number of grammatical errors. This is going on both the story you posted here and on the wiki. (Which has been marked for review for these issues.) Boo already covered the plot issues so I'll just stick to the things I noticed when I deleted it the first time and the errors that are still there.

Still missing the capitalization for "I" in a number of places.

Onto punctuation, you substitute commas for periods a number of times (And then capitalize the word following after it.) Additionally there is some dialogue that is lacking punctuation at the end.

Onto spacing issues. "Mrs.Nicklebotten" should be Mrs. Nicklebotten (spacing).  At times you don't space words apart from the commas. (For example,like this)  At other times you put the space in the wrong place. (Other example ,like this) 

A number of typos and misspellings "I through (sic) you were a good boy,", "I'll (sic) better let you rest...", and "mistery" were a few I caught.

Then there are the wording issues: "..., I was a very problem-of-a-kid ..." (Problematic, problem child?)  "you did a big bullshit there boy" (Mentioned above)  "The lighter, the bomb and whatsoever (sic); We put.." (everything else/ the other essentials "Cause of the decease?"  Just naming a few.

Finally, I am not doing this to be a jerk. The story has been marked for review which means that it can and most likely will be deleted if these changes are not made with a week or so. I am trying to help a little as the story is better than a number of the other stories I have to slog through daily.