Things I Never Wished to Know

I'm just a somewhat average man. I go to a crappy junior college, because I was a slacker from the fourth grade through high school. I never actually graduated, either. I had to get a GED because I got expelled with three weeks in my senior year. I've been arrested three times, each time for minor alcohol charges, and I had my front teeth knocked out in a barfight. I'm actually intelligent, but due to a shitty nerve disease, I have a hard time clearly communicating my ideas. I'm ostensibly a Protestant, but I've been known to dabble with ritual magic. I call it "ritual magic", not "magick", because fuck Aleister Crowely. It's really more of a tool that I use to keep track of who I am, than it is to perform any "boogity boogity" bullshit. I've always held a compulsion to know more than anyone else, but I've got another reason for this practice; which is, that I seek to defy my future. From the time that I was little, I have been having vivid dreams. Barring a few drunken nights, I remember all of them when I wake up. I remember that I once read about some bullshit that stated that people dream in black and white. They just think it was in color when they wake up. I declared shenanigans as soon as I read it. When I dream in black and white, I remember it well, because those dreams tend to come true.

The first time I remember this happening was when I was six. I had a dream that I was sitting on our bathroom sink, and that it broke, and I cut my right hand down to the bone. It happened a little over a year later. Every day, When I look at the huge scar on my right hand, where I got cut so deep that I almost lost control of my thumb, I remember how I both saw it happen before, and couldn't stop it in the real world. This has happened numerous times since.

I've never been able to stop these dreams from coming true.In my dreams throughout the years, I've seen my dad die. I've seen every time that I was arrested. I've seen my relationships begin and end. I've seen myself hurt the people I love. I've watched myself try to succeed, only to fail miserably. I've seen my sister miscarrying a baby. I've seen me wrecking a truck that my dad left me. I've seen my eviction from my first apartment. Hell, I've even seen some mundane shit, like the first time I tried Moxie. All of it happened the same way as it did in the dreams.

Lately, though, I've had one that keeps coming back. It starts off at a nice house, with a woman that I think I'm married to. We have a romantic dinner, and I say, "Happy birthday." As soon as I say it, she says, "I can't believe how old we're getting. I love you just as much as I ever have." We go to our bedroom, and have sex. All of a sudden, a drunk driver plows into our house and kills us. It always flashes to the alarm clock by our bed. It always shows the same date and time.

So, until that day, I seek to defy my future. I will constantly be on the lookout for ways to destroy that timeline, and I will be wary. After all, it's just a dream, right? So, the next time you wish that you knew what tomorrow holds, remember: an open destiny is preferable to one that's set in stone, and sometimes, knowing can be worse than not knowing.