Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25134288-20140703080246/@comment-24352864-20140703151757


 * Sigh* I managed to just grit my teeth and read the entire thing despite the bad formatting.

First off, there are a lot of grammatical errors. Spacing and punctuation problems are also apparent. If this was immediately posted as a story, it would be deleted ASAP, thanks to its formatting and technical problems.

The story was a bit bland and boring to me. It's basically three guys who moved into a new house that already had indications of being haunted. After moving in, a skeleton pops out. Simple as that. Honest opinion: It's rather bad.

Personally, if I was offered a nice house (or to be more realistic, a dorm room) but had a suspicious cheap price, I would decline. In fact, I already did that. But that's just me. Well, ignoring that whole part where they bought the already suspicious house with a suspicious past, we are immediately thrown in to the monster.

Start with a bit of build-up first. This story is rather linear but, I think it can be pulled off. I noticed that the entire ordeal only lasted for a day. Maybe extend the time frame to weeks or even months? During those months, maybe start with subtle scares, make the residents suspicious. Then, maybe add an element of investigation? The residents then try to make sense of how the previous occupants lived inside the house and how those suspicious things that bump in the night connect to it. Once everything is starting to make sense, then that's when you unleash the monster.

The whole police and mental hospital ordeal seems weird to me. How were they able to convict him without a fair trial first? According to the story, no murder weapon was found and there are no implications that this guy really did the killing. Then you mentioned someone giving a parcel to this character and the character noticed that she had eyes similar to the monster? Seeing as there is no connection yet, it's not really scary.

A total overhaul is required, if you want the story to stay.