Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29709755-20160912195631

As related to me by Bill Watterson CORONER'S REPORT Concerning the investigation into the disappearance of Kyle A. Wyandotte, age 8, from his home at [REDACTED] on the evening of August 27, 20XX between the hours of 1930 and 2355. BACKGROUND: Object was found soaking in a pool of fluid with a temperature of approximately 41 degrees celsius which, when analyzed, was found to have an extremely high concentration of sodium compounds, uric acid, and urea salts already in the process of decomposing into ammonia gas, as well as low concentrations of sugars and proteins. This combined with the temperature and humidity of the environment facilitated rapid microbial growth, though it has had no visible adverse effect on the object. Object was removed and placed into a coroner's bag and upon arriving at the morgue was rinsed and at approximately 0440 was left to drain on the secondary autopsy table before being moved to cold storage at approximately 1620 the following afternoon. SUMMARY: Subject of autopsy was an anomalous organic object, roughly spheroid, notably oblate on one end, but otherwise uniform. Object measured 107cm in circumfrence at the narrowest point (for the purposes of this investigation, the "waist), had a length 181cm from the end of the oblate point to the rounded point opposite it, and a weight of 32.85 kg. The object was coated in an extremely wrinkled and very wet leathery skin with a rough, sandpaper-like texture. Color was a pale pinkish-tan, and overall surface was deeply grooved  and resembled nothing so much as an extremely large and partially rehydrated raisin. AUTOPSY: Due to the unconventional shape of the object and the fact that no more obvious means of orienting it could be found, it was decided to begin with a vertical cut, starting from approximately 25cm above the lowest point of the rounded end and proceeding straight towards the oblate point. The skin was remarkably difficult to sever, being extremely  (an average of 7cm) thick, abrasive and tough, in addition to still being waterlogged despite having been removed from any liquids over 36 hours ago.Once the skin was successfully bisected it could be pulled apart to reveal a cartilaginous skeleton through which we had cut when creating the incisions, dense, fibrous muscles that bristles and separated into individual dark-red fascia when cut,  and organs which appeared to be smaller, darker and denser than would be typical for an animal of that size. Based on the accumulation of clear, yellowish liquid at the bottom of the abdominal cavity and the excesses of sodium in both the liver and kidneys, it is hypothesized that the high saline content of the liquid in which it was submerged drew excess liquid from the organs via osmotic diffusion, thereby "pickling" the organs.The skin and all punctured organs seeped a viscous black liquid, presumably blood, which has remained inexplicably fluid rather than coagulating as in typical livor mortis. Samples were sent to toxicology to test for the presence of the anticoagulant and rat poison Warfarin and related drugs.While attempting to remove and weigh the organs something odd was noted, namely that they did not attach to any orifices. The urinary and digestive tracts simply tapered off within the abdominal cavity, as well as the esophagus and trachea. They give the appearance of having been slowly constricted and eventually pinched off at their points of entry.Bringing the incision up further the object was found to have a full set of adult human teeth, as well as a partial set of deciduous teeth, all decalcified in the same manner as the other bones, The object contained what would otherwise be entirely typical respiratory, ocular, auditory alimentary and nervous systems for any child aged roughly six to nine, despite the fact that all orifices had been grown over with a thick layer of nearly impenetrable skin. The brain had a healthy gray color and was seen to pulse slightly upon it's removal. This continued until it's severance from the carotid arteries, which issued forth twin sprays of black blood at low pressure for a period of approximately 35 seconds. CONCLUSION: The object displays many, many extremely bizarre and unusual traits and seems to contain what is very nearly a fully-functioning human child. The origins and lifecycle of the creature to which this belongs are remote to any source of knowledge available to us. It would be advisable that any more of such objects that are discovered be left in place and observed to determine the nature of the creature whose lifecycle contains such an exceedingly strange stage of development 27 Aug: Kyle! Don't pee in the bathtub! You're supposed to be getting clean! I'm sorry mom. Hey, look, I got the wrinkles on my fingers again. Mom! Mom! Look! They're on my toes too! That's very nice son. You'd better get out soon though. Why's that? If you stay in there too long you'll turn into a big pink raisin. 