Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27008899-20160723220121/@comment-28266772-20160724174633

Smoke poured in through the window of the bamboo hut. Screams and cries for help filled the air surrounding us as we huddled together on the dirt floor. My father wrapped his arms around mother and I as we sobbed, desperately trying to remain quite from the monsters that laid just beyond our wicker door.

Voices cut through the screams from the village outside in a language only a monster could understand. They were close now. I could hear they neighbor boy [the], just two years my junior, crying as the sound of crashing echoed in the night. A loud bang ended his cries, followed by a wail of suffering only a mother who had lost their child could make. These too were ended quickly by a the sound of metal striking flesh.

The door before us began to vibrate and the grass, that had protected us from the elements for so long, began to trickle from above like feathers drifting in a breeze as they bashed the door over and over. My heart pounded as father held us tighter. I closed my eyes as the door swung free. Heavy feet trampled into the tiny hut all screaming in a terrifying tone. I felt father release us and begin begging them to leave us alone. Hideous laughter rang out and I opened my eyes to catch a glimpse of the beasts.

I saw my father knelt down in front of four of the demons. The flames of the burning fields outside flickered in their eyes as the stared down at him. My father's arms began to flail as the [missing word] reached for him. He quickly began crawling back to us, only to be stopped by a bullet tearing through his chest, narrowly missing my head as it exited the bamboo hut. My mother and I froze in horror as he collapsed to the ground with [missing word] hand stretched out for us. We watched as he took his final breath, and his hand fell to the dirt floor [repetition].

The great green beast grabbed my mother ripping her from my grasp as I cried out for her. Pain shot through my arm as another grabbed my wrist forcing me to my feet. I looked down at the lifeless body of my father as the pooling blood encroached upon my bare feet. The world no longer seemed real. I stood in a daze expecting to wake up at any moment. I wanted to hear my father's voice one last time telling me it's time for eat. As tears began to stream down my face, one of the monsters grabbed me forcing me outside.

Many survivors were gathered in the middle of the village. Tears and blood saturated the ground beneath them as they held on to their remaining loved ones. Without warning the monsters began tearing through them with their weapons. Bodies fell one after another from outside the circle until the last person in the middle was standing straight up, lifeless, having been propped up by the surrounding dead. [this is a pedantic complaint; but no one executes people in a circle using guns because they’d all be firing at each other so there’s a huge risk of friendly fire] People I once knew laid [lay] strewn about the dirt road of the village in piles as though they were trash. I stood motionless, unable to comprehend what was happening. In my freight [fright], it took me a moment to realize that someone had grabbed me from behind.

I started struggling with all my might as the green arm dragged me away from the carnage I had just witnessed. The beast was too strong and my thrashing only caused his grip upon me to grow tighter. As we disappeared behind a burning hut I saw the fields my father worked engulfed in flames. The monster set me down gently and turned me to face him by my shoulders.

Its face was covers in dirt and soot from the fires blazing around us. It knelt down and gazed at me with its deep blue eyes. It appeared to be almost as frightened as I was. It released my shoulders and said one word to me, the only one I ever heard from them that I understood,

"Chay."'[<- I don’t understand this plot point. Is it from another language?]'

The beast then stood up and turned around. It seemed to be blocking the view of my escape from the other monsters. With no more hesitation I ran. I ran for what seemed like hours through the woods leaping and dodging trees and brush. Between the sweat and tears I am still not sure how I did not trip or run straight into a tree. I finally stopped at the river bank and collapsed to the ground. I could still hear muffled screams in the distance as I slowly left consciousness behind.

I awoke to sounds of the birds chirping in the trees. I could barely move from all the bruises that covered my body. I struggled at first, but finally found my footing on muddy ground in front of the stream. I could still see the smoke as it drifted in the wind just a kilometer or two from where I [had] passed out. Battered and soaked, I brushed off the dirt the best I could from my dress and started making my way back home hoping to find my mother.

As I emerged from the woods I saw, [no comma] nothing, or at least nothing I recognized. The entire village had been destroyed. The monsters had all gone. The huts had been burned to the ground leaving only ash. The fields once flush with crops, now little more than scorched earth remained. Burned bodies lay in piles all around the village. I found the body of my mother on the ground in front of where our home once stood. Her cloths had been torn off of her and dried blood caked the gapping [gaping] wound across her neck. I held her head on my lap and cried amongst the havoc. My home, my life, my entire world had been reduced to a living nightmare.

On March 16th, 1968 U.S. soldiers from Charlie Company, 1st Battalion, 20th Infantry Regiment descended upon the village of My Lai in Vietnam. There are real monsters and heroes in this world. A small minority of these men risk their life and careers to save just a few of the villagers. All of us are given opportunities in our lives to prove which we choose to be. Bravery is doing what is right in spite of being afraid. Never forget you have a choice, never forget, My Lai. '[so I think this needs more elaboration. It’s not very clear, and the sentiment feels a bit rushed].'

-

So I think this is an awesome story. I really enjoyed it, and the image you’ve painted is a very detailed and awesome one. I didn’t notice a lot of mechanical mistakes. Overall I just feel like the ending is slightly rushed, and could use some more elaboration. Hope you find this useful.

