Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181002204802/@comment-28428152-20181003081455

Helel ben Shahaar wrote: Several re-reads, and I still don't get what's happening.

But I have to say, there is this nagging feeling of unease in the corner of my mind while I read this: like when you feel an insect crawl over your skin but when you go to brush it off it turns out that there was no insect in the first place.

Something is happening here. I don't know what it is. And that makes me scared.

So even though the explosion didn't kill me, the aftershock did.

On the grammar scale, it's a solid ten. I have to agree with Banned, though: the word "she" is slightly overused. Nothing that can't be mended.

This story has my pass, but if I were you, I'd let it marinate in here for a bit longer.

Also, because the title is what it is... Kira Yoshikage. "Her last visitor for the day had left so abruptly she had not had a chance to show them the garden."

"She slowly made her way to the kitchen, her hand brushing the switch. It flickered to life as she tossed out the apples and oranges. The light faded again as she exited."

"Then finally she passed through the doorway that led to the basement without even touching it"

On the third read through, though, I do feel like there is some minor inconsistancy, such as the light fading when she leaves, but then she turns off the lights manually later