Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25319269-20150405043850/@comment-25170312-20150405170214

There are so many problems here. Please brace yourself for butt pain.

1. It needs more than a car accident to be a creepypasta. But I digress...

2. "''Street Racing. Taking your car on the streets and back roads. Mountains if your lucky enough to live in Japan." ''Is this supposed to introduce the idea of street racing? It doesn't really explain much at all. It just sounds like taking a leisurely drive. The grammar is also incorrect as these are three sentence fragments that should be joined into one sentence. (example: Street Racing; taking your car on the streets and back roads -- mountains if you're lucky)

3. Somewhere between 12 and 2pm is not late at night. You meant 2am, and "between midnight and 2am" would sound better.

4. Improper use of apostrophes (Mazda's should just be Mazdas, for example)

5.  The story needs to flow despite the reader not knowing things like what cars are better than others, or what all the technical stuff means (waste-gates? over steering?). Every time I have to stop and think about what it all means, I get taken out of the story.

6. The... well... sluts. You know... the sex crazed girls? 'Cause you can't have a street race without sex crazed girls, right? Maybe handle this a little better? It was kinda... well... dumb.

7. Why would people go to a track for an unofficial street race? Why wouldn't they go to... gee... I dunno... the STREET?

8. You don't need to tell us that there's a legitimate reason for street racers fleeing from the police. I may not know about cars, but I'd have to be pretty stupid to not know that street racing is illegal.

9. The antagonist is wearing a hoodie. Why oh why does everyone have to wear a hoodie? And why do we even care??? Just stop with the hoodies, people!!!

10. I understand that it's unfinished, but there needs to be some kind of suspense or tension, because as you say towards the beginning of the story: "This was becoming boring".