Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160707143147/@comment-28266772-20160708141359

written on the back of a McDonalds receipt I found in the garbage. -> McDonald’s should be possessive

Funnell Web -> funnel has only one ‘l’ (you’re gonna want to use ctrl + f for this once since it’s repeated more than once)

My friends and family compared me to Steve Irwin, but that’s beside the point. -> tonally this struck me as a bit odd, and as coming out of nowhere. I think there are easier to ways to demonstrate to us that this guy is very competent with dangerous animals

The night had started off a bit slow, but it would pick up the pace now -> tense/awkward wording

“What the fuck?” He panted to himself as he foolishly went to investigate the log. -> I’m not sure if the ‘He’ should be capitalized, but I would double check the wikia style guide before changing it.

An Inland Taipan, also known as the Fierce Snake, is the most venomous snake in the world, and its venom -> feels a bit repetitive.

He got about twenty meters -> not sure about this but you use British spelling throughout the rest of this story (inc. the title), so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to point it out in case you meant to spell it ‘metres’.

the spider delivered a number of vicious bites the eyes and nose of the screaming boy. -> missing a word between bites and the.

Now I watch from a distance -> tense issues.

All I needed was thirty-three seconds -> Think this should be ‘were’ not ‘was’

I sunk away into the trees -> should be ‘sank’ as that’s the past tense, while sunk is the past participle.

helmet and landed on Jacks face -> Jacks should be possessive

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Overall I thought this was awesome. I can’t recommend making many changes to the core plot. I didn’t like the bit where you go “four weeks earlier” and I think it’d be better if you found another way to introduce that section. You could probably even leave that sub-title out entirely and just let the audience work it out for themselves, just so long as it's clear that the boys he's targeting as his 'next' victims are the same ones we just saw die.

I can’t think of much else to say really – it was a solid story that was well written, paced well, and enjoyable to read. It had an original concept and a great hook.