Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20181124050253/@comment-35911608-20181126052000

I read the first draft, but decided not to comment as I would be reiterating previous points. So now, I'll finally get my piece in.

Much better than draft 1. Creep factor is definitely better compared to the original, last time I had literally no reason to be scared. Interest in the truth behind Sean's existence? Sure, but I wasn't creeped out. The Santa/Satan thing is a classic thing everyone notices as a kid, but I like seeing it in a story.

Something irks me about the pacing of the story. I believe it is how there’s very specific little details, but not like an more developed arc to Sean finding out his past for the first half of the story, and then the second half is an exposition dump from Santa/Satan.

Also, when you had asked me about a game to play, seeing how Destiny 2 was used now doesn’t make sense to people who’ve played it (it is single person with online multiplayer). Just for accuracy, I’d say they’re both using their own PS4s.

Minimal grammar issues, but overall that’s what I had trouble with when reading. I hope this helps, certainly ask for specifics if needed (they probably will be).