Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30771515-20161225183453/@comment-24101790-20161225185008

Sorry, but this needs quite a bit of work. Starting with the basics, punctuation needs to go inside dialogue: ""Who is it",", ""Be right out", I said.", ""OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR".", etc. Additionally you tend to use words improperly. ""Oh its (it's) you, you won't believe what mom brought! Hurry and come out""

Then there's the dialogue: ""Who is it", I yelled so the person outside of the door can hear me over the rushing water.

"Oh its you, you won't believe what mom brought! Hurry and come out"" (Is this dialogue supposed to be coming from Jesse, the protagonist, or the intruder? If it's Jesse, how are they home already and why send a text. If it's the protagonist why are they using phrasing like 'come out' since they're in the shower? If it's the intruder, why doesn't the protagonist recognize their voice Especially with this line: "Then came a loud bang from the other side and a screeching voice that I have never heard in my life."?)

Story issues: This premise has been done a number of times before so it feels fairly generic (the protagonist is cornered by someone in the shower. Googling those keywords bring up a couple dozen stories that are more fleshed out/told effectively.). As soon as the protagonist hoped in the shower, I figured what was going to happen and the lack of any real description or build-up for the scenario resulted in a pretty uninteresting story.

Story issues cont.: This feels unfinished. As you were warned about posting unfinished pages before, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you meant it to end this way. If that's the case, I can only say that it feels like a pretty weak ending that cuts off too early. Since this story has already been posted and this isn't up to our quality standards I marked it for deletion and am suggesting you use the writer's workshop and get feedback before posting a story next time.