Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25012337-20140523015807/@comment-25012337-20140526224059

Laughing Jake wrote: After exiting the house and exploring our neighbourhood for a while, I checked a telephone directory and saw my father’s name and his phone (you can simply say I checked a telephone directory to look my father up). I immediately called him by borrowing someone’s phone (I borrowed someones phone, and immediately called him).

“Hello father, do you recognize me? It’s your daughter, Jessie Elenmeyer (Leaving its your daughter, or its Jessie would be fine, there is no need to say the full name, being that her father should know her full name). I’d like to talk to you in your office.” I said.

“Oh dear, I miss you so much!” he answered, with hapiness. “You can enter my building and enter my office right now (you dont need to say enter the building and enter the office, you can leave this as you can come up to my office). I’ll be waiting for you.” These are a few examples of minor things that can be worded differently. Im on my phone and its not very easy to find the spots I had in mind earlier. But there are many little things such as these, that if adjusted slightly can make the story flow more. Also you are very vague with the personal lives of the characters. Saying my job place, and the medicine for body injuries. There are other things, I feel if you are more descriptive and personal the readers will connect with the characters more. As it stands its hard to feel any connection to the characters, and sympathize with them based on the decisions they make. After some revision this may make a decent action story, I just dont feel its meant for a creepy pasta. Any attempt at fear is taken away by the interactions between characters, and the protagonists own personality and outlook on the events taking place. I really am not trying to be mean. And would like for you to continue writing. You will only get better with practice, and we all start somewhere. Its good that you were proud of yourself for finishing this, and in the future I believe you will be surprised with how much you have progressed in your writing abilities. I am in no way an author I just write stories for my own benefit, so dont take what I say to heart. Keep trying and you will get there. Thank you, I'm already writing another story more focused on creepy things than action, and I'll try to pay more attention to dialogues.