Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25174837-20140718124520/@comment-25558572-20140718171002

In the future, please post stories only here. You can also put drafts or summaries here, as long as there's enough to give a critique on.

But for your actual story, I can give some feedback. You had a good premise that, while not particularly original, could have worked well for a story. But unfortunately, you didn't use it particularly well; the story seemed too short to really give much information, and did have a few technical errors here and there. You need to use the word "or" instead of a slah between the words "bite" and "rash", and the phrase "...something that wasn't too friendly" seems a bit too informal to really be scary. Be specific. Depending on what a wound looks like, it can give a lot of insight as to how it appeared on a body.

It also would have helped for you to be more specific about the kids. How old were they? Could we get a description of what they looked like? Any idea as to how they ended up in the place of the incident? Witholding some information from the reader can deliver a good scare in the right places, but here, it's really too vague to be frightening. It's certainly nothing you couldn't improve, though.

So I would say that you should stick with this topic, but make the story a little longer. Add some details to the kids and what happened to them; research cases of other missing children as well, to see what it might look like in reality. And the vidoe seems a bit iffy to me. Unless it's vital to the story, I wouldn't advise mentioning it more than briefly in the text, because I almost feel like you were trying to force me to see it. ._. Footage is fairly overused in creepypasta, so be careful with how you use it.