Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24720136-20140912115259/@comment-24720136-20140913084049

Mystreve wrote: I think it does. However, it seemed too vague in the beginning. Maybe it was the way Craydon's dialogue is? It took me until about two-thirds of the way in to figure out he was talking about a sling-shot.

Another minor thing: "Ray was observant of Crayd... Thanks for the feedback. I've made some progress in developing the plot. I don't know if I dropped the person right into the crap too fast or what, tell me what you think.

"Craydon McDun 

  

''Ray saw a thing flying across the seating area which was raised up above the football field just beside it. Craydon McDun had thrown it, and was going to retrieve it. Ray and Baxter turned to face him.''

''Craydon moved toward them with the object, holding it in his hands as if he were a velociraptor. As he got closer, Ray could see that it was a four inch long piece of rusty metal. Craydon barged past them, and sat on the brick platform which was raised slightly underneath the railing. He began to rub the metal against the brick back, and forth.''

''"What are ya doin'?" Baxter inquired.''

''"Jus' ah... cleanin' it," Craydon replied, his eyes fixed on  the work. Ray remained quiet.''

"Aw yeah, he's probably gonna use it for one of his projects," Baxter told Ray, "Ay tell him about the slingshot," Baxter said, now talking to Caydon

''"Aw, yeah, um...I was at home, right?" Craydon said, now standing on the raised brick platform, "And I got a piece of metal 'bout as long as that table there," He pointed at the table adjacent the railing. ''

Ray nodded to indicate that he was paying attention, even though you could tell, in his eyes, that he didn't really care about what Craydon McDun had to say.

''"Was about that thick," he made a circle with his thumb and forefinger; a radius of about seven centimeters, "Welded it so it was bent, you know? Right..." he trailed off in his thoughts trying to recall the events, his eyes were focused in front of his face. Like he was re-experiencing the moment. ''

''"Yeah, so I got it done right with my welder, then I took it out to the football field, Forkers Oval, you know? Got this rock, aw it was pretty big, you know, like this big," another hand gesture, "Anyway, I- oh, yeah, I used some elastic bands uh..." ''

''"You mean the good stuff right?" Baxter inferred.''

''"Yeah, it was like high quality stuff, like this," he pulled up his shirt slightly, showing his underpants' elastic, "Yeah, so I got it on there, and I shot the rock right? Aw it went pretty far, so I thought I'd test it at home, right?" he started to giggle, and, not shortly after, Baxter did too.''

''"You shot it at the wall right?" Baxter asked through his diminished giggles.''

''"Yeah, so I got it at home, I pulled it back like, aw, pretty far," he motioned with his hands and waist, still on the raised area of the railing, "Let go, and it went right through twelve walls; hit my neighbor's power box too; broke a couple o' windows," the three of them laughed. Ray laughed because it was stupid. Baxter laughed because it was stupid, and also because he knew what had happened in more detail. Craydon McDun laughed because he did it. "It went right through lead!" Craydon yelled, sounding pleased.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Ray was observant of Craydon, because he wasn't normal, he was abnormal actually, just an oblivious psychopath. The fact was obvious to anyone who saw it.''

<p class="MsoNormal">Baxter was still giggling stupidly, "He got grounded for four months," Craydon smiled at this.

<p class="MsoNormal">''"Got banned from usin' the welder for two years, and got banned from the computer for two months," he grinned with his broken set of hillbilly teeth, "Still sneak in there though, got to finish my projects," Craydon looked over the railings at the children playing football, then turned suddenly to face Ray, "'Ey, know what my dad did? He got the slingshot and uh..." he tried to recall, "you know that chipper thing? Yeah, he got that and shaved it down into metal shavings!" he laughed at the event, "Know what I did? Snuck in the shed; melted it down; stuff was hotter than lava!" ''

<p class="MsoNormal">The bell rang for fourth period, and the three of them dispersed.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Ray Veors was in the ninth grade, Baxter Pierre and Craydon McDun were both in the seventh grade. Ray and Baxter usually hung out around the raised seating area, Craydon just happened to annoy them sometimes.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''That night Ray was up late. It was ten o'clock when he decided to go to bed. Ray shut down his computer, got out of his chair, and turned off the power supply to his computer. The plug was by the window which had blinds covering his view, except for a little gap between the frame and the blinds for the chain. Ray looked out the small opening. The gap gave a view of the vast field which was essentially the border separating the town from the wilderness. The view was quite surreal, there was a slanted signpost, illuminated by the orangey-yellow street lights, on the edge of the road, and in front of the expanse of dry grass. The dry grass was barely visible past the light; the darkness abruptly cut any further background from view. Ray looked out into it for about ten long seconds before it made him uncomfortable, and he decided that it was best that he go to bed.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''His bed was facing the window that he was looking out. He dozed as he laid there on his bed. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''The night world was just a nice black, blurry, intense place. The glass of his window banged.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''"Ray," his voice cut through the delusion like an impossibly sharp blade, Ray's heart dented his chest. Ray didn't want to look at the window, it was like a horrible entity." ''

<p class="MsoNormal">There will be no murder taking place in this story. >:)