Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25181957-20140721133443/@comment-9967354-20140721165141

Your tenses are very inconsistent, which makes the overall story seem badly written, even if it isn't. You started off in simple present. She does this. Then quite suddenly, you switch back and forth from past and present, which sounds pretty ubrupt. Read through your story again, and pick a way to narrate it.

Secondly, break up your sentences. You've used a bunch of commas and your phrasing is rather odd. Remember, when two parts of a sentence can do as individual sentences, you can always use a semicolon. Better still, fullstops. Use short, easy sentences so writing isn't an ordral, and neither is reading. Look at Ruskin Bond, maybe; his expression is brilliant and he /uses simple phrases/.