Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160729155428/@comment-25569708-20160804015538

Apologizes for the late response, here are errors from the Fatso:

"it’s easier to bring a girl back to (from) the dead"

"“I know,” Andrew (should be "Ian" here) paused."

"“Yeah,” Andrew (Ian) replied."

"Don’t you think..”". Did you mean to have two periods, or were you trying to make an ellipsis?

"It’s just demons aren’t really associated with giving lectures on string theory given to a German schoolgirl in 1432.”". You use "given" twice.

"church had been abandoned for more (than) three centuries"

"At the end of each one pillar", not sure what you meant to put but this just sounds wrong.

Now as far as the story goes it was just as well-written as the Witch, so there's really no worry there. The dialogue felt pretty authentic and the flow was pretty good. Basically I can tell this is a good-quality story, just like the Witch. But to be honest (and I don't know if this is just me being a dumbass or maybe Jay's "brain fog" rubbing off on me), I'm kind of confused at some parts. I can make the connection that the Witch/Mrs. Wyttick/Evelyn had Annabelle under capture hundreds of years ago and tortured her and Annabelle became this pillar-armed monstrosity (I actually really loved Annabelle's description and design, by the way), but I'm having trouble figuring out the company. It was referenced a little in the first part and then I could understand it, but in the 2nd part I was kinda confused at what the purpose/goals of it were. I know they were witches, but I didn't really get an idea of what they were trying to accomplish as a whole. Also I didn't really get the idea of why they were looking for Annabelle, a girl gone missing in the 1300s, in the first place. And I understood that the woman from part 2 worked for the company, but why was Ian, a client of the company (I'm presuming) tagging along? I guess I'm a little unsure of the motives of everyone in general. Maybe you could explain it to me? Again, I can tell this is a good story but it's just currently confusing to me. I wouldn't put it past myself to be a total dumbass, so again maybe it's just me. Anyways, I hope you found this useful, wish I could give some better advice.