Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180930033305/@comment-33488654-20180930224742

BloodySpghetti wrote: Kolpik wrote: This works for me. I definitely agree with the good doctor. It has a Twilight Zone feel to it that I like to see pop up in stories sometimes. Unbeknownst to the antagonist, his path converged with one that looks very similar, but isn't quite right and will NOT lead him to his intended destination.

Some people might say this type of story is overused, but I certainly don't feel that way. I can't get enough of stories like this where the character(s) are affected profoundly, but some hitch in reality actually gives them a little time to realize it. It can be a fun ride for the reader as well.

There are two spots I'd like to point out:

1) Before he had the time to react, he could feel being swallowed by the lights coming from behind him, just as the lights made (does 'made' belong here?) enveloped his frame, David felt a slight impact to the back of his car followed by the sensation of something freezing tugging at David’s (maybe substitute 'his' here, but then you end up with four of them in the sentence, hmmm) body from his back through to his sides and out of his chest. The cold sensation caused him to gasp for air as if he had been thrown into a pool of freezing water.

2) Being sure that he was hallucinating at this point due to his fasting, David opted to drive on, that is until he felt liquid flowing down his chest,(.) (H)he took touched felt his shirt with one of his hands. (took touched felt?) Something in his head forced him to look at his hand. (I think you can add greater impact to this last line. What in his head made him look at his hand? An inanimate object, a grizzly thought?)

Summation: The twilight zone feel of this gave me a fuzzy feeling that will probably send me to Youtube later to surf for some old clips. Whether intentional or not the classic feel of this works.

I suggest reading through it a few more times, because, of course, that will lead ya to rework a line or two until it all feels right to ya. I think ya missed an 'of' somewhere, but I can't find it now. I literally read my stories dozens and dozens of times in the editing process, finding a little something else to play with every freakin' time. It's a never ending cycle. :)

Anywho, I think this will be a nice addition to your ever growing library of CPs on the site. Its lighter touch is a nice contrast to the Nazi experiments, android gods, and conversations with Satan that you have on the site. Hope to see it on the site soon and keep 'em coming.

Now, I'm off to mow my lawn. :b Why thank you good sir, you really did help me quite a lot here. I did re write some sentences that seemed kind of weird. I hope it's clearer now and works better for ya. Couldn't find that missing "of", maybe I just missed it too, or maybe it wasn't missing

We'll see... I'll let this thing hang around the workshop for a bit more.

Thanks once again, always great having you around! This quality story is a good inspiration for me to keep writing pastas.