Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20161014223817/@comment-24101790-20161015150704

Let's start with the mechanical issues first. You can use control+F to find these issues and correct them.

"It’s (Its) smell was hauntingly familiar and the action left him feeling violated."

"She was no older than his daughter. But (but) he couldn’t stop." These two sentences would flow a bit better if connected.

"looking over her decrepit frame he initially assumed she was a heroin addict who might have been able to assist him in his murder investigation." I would change the word decrepit as that traditionally means worn down with age while the damage here seems to have been inflicted on her.

"Despite the missing teeth and the smell and the brands and the scars and the pain that welled up in her eyes" feels a bit clunky as it uses "and" three times.

"but when she glimpsed the young girl she leant back and said," should be a colon as the dialogue is continued on another line.

"Robert had initially jumped into the car weeks later and (missing "was"?) ready to make the drive with a wad of twenty pound notes."

"He entered the building, which he knew housed nothing but Mrs.Wyttick (should be spaced)"

"Jesus Nan how long has it been?”

“Piss off!” The (the) old woman shouted."

"“I’m waiting!” She (she) cried."

"“Yeah it’s a loss for the family but there are plenty of us and you’re (your) blood will live on in us."

"But then the veins grew tort (taut?) and started to snatch away at his skin and soon the muscle beneath."

"Robert looked on in horror and felt a terrible agonizing assault upon his sentences (senses?)."

Story: I read The Witch & The Fatso a couple of weeks ago, but it seems to be told in the same vein. I really enjoyed the descriptions here (the run-down squat, the monster attacking Robert, etc.) Lines like this: "But then the veins grew tort and started to snatch away at his skin and soon the muscle beneath." could use a bit of re-working to make them feel a bit more visceral. Switching out snatch with a more aggressive word might make it feel a bit more brutal.

Story cont.: I typically am hesitant to review stories in a series as I feel like I can't properly give criticism without referencing the earlier works. This story feels like a nice addition to the universe you built up in the previous story. I really didn't find the exposition to be clunky and the sections seemed to flow nicely. You can get more feedback, but I think (after correcting the mechanical issues I noted) that not only will this pass Quality Standards, but it'll also make a good addition to the previous story.