Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25170312-20171211195050/@comment-26399604-20171222201314

Hi Umbrello,

I read your initial post but Helel had gotten to it first and basically summed-up my thoughts: The story was well-written but it was missing the creep-factor.

I read over your updated version and I do like where you added more to the discovery of the body to draw-out the scene -- especially the touch about his expression and how it would haunt the protagonist's mind. I think those little fixes were just enough in my opinion.

Overall, again, it's well-written. The story does have a blend of creep/feels (feels more, I think): a man wants to help out a neighbor (who's not big on new technology) by purchasing him a new TV, but in the end that action results in his death, and that action will always haunt the protagonist.

I think the story's fine no. You can also wait to see what Helel's opinion is now and maybe one more person, just to see where the scale tips if you're still looking to soften any edges.

Also, I caught one spot where there was an error. The [] have the correction:

+That face still haunts me—his mouth agape, and his eyes all bugged out and [bloodshot].