Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27383608-20151213005701/@comment-27383608-20151219121009

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

Re: Story
It was deleted for not being up to quality standards. Starting with the basics, there are some minor coding issues. You should really use source mode when publishing to prevent this. T. You should also space out dialogue so two messages from two different people aren't on the same lines (One space between them is standard)

Capitalization issues: ""Once you watch it, it's all over. That's what happened to me. I'm dead." They (they) replied", "Either way, something wrong will take place..." They (they) replied.", ""Yo, what did you wanna discuss?" He (he) ask", ""For real?" He asks", etc. etc. Unless you are starting a new sentence or using a proper noun, words do not need capitalization after dialogue. "Civil war (War)" You should also specify which war.

Punctuation issues: Apostrophes missing from accents "You're defensive (')cause" If you're going to drop a letter, you have to use an apostrophe to denote the missing letters. I would also limit your use of ellipses, overusing them (25+ times) can make a story feel melodramatic.

Wording issues: There are a number of broken/incomplete sentences here. "Trails of blood on the floor.", "Guts and brains everywhere.", "Eyeballs hung on forks.", etc. Awkward wording: "That's why I killed 38 people! Even mother!"", "I involuntarily take out the knife in my pocket, direct my arms forward and face the knife towards his face", "Before he can react, my hand holding the knife faces me", etc. Redundancy issues: "face the knife towards his face" really avoid using the same word multiple times in a sentence.

Story issues: You shift from telling the story in past tense to present tense: "I was from Threttenswine, a very under-represented area in London, where all classes of people lived" to ""What are you doing? This ain't no joke, fam." He shockingly says, stepping backwards." The plot feels very rushed in the latter parts and really needs to be paced some. The protagonist's descent into insanity is also really rushed and as the major focus in the later sections, this weakens the plot. Finally a lot of the gore just comes off as being more for shock value than focused on building the atmosphere of the story. There are quite a number of issues here. I've fixed most of the issues, however I kept some of the short sentences as they leave impact on the reader. But if you think that they should still be removed, then I will change them.

In regards to the generic lines statement, both of the mentioned ones are part of the plot - the anonymous messenger is what possessed Lupin's mate before it possessed Lupin, and thus the AM knows Lupin from him. With the "realistic sounds of women screaming", the "realistic" was meant to refer to all of the mentioned things as a list (like the flesh being slashed, men laughing), not just the screaming women; so I've changed the sentence to make it a list. But should I remove the "realistic" or not?

Also, can I keep the "OFF." and "FLASH." because the short, one-worded, capital-lettered sentences are meant to reflect the action taking place, and thus leaves an impact on the reader so they can visualise it better. But if you reply to delete it, I'll delete it.