Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25378619-20140904225230/@comment-25112831-20140905114035

Wow, that is really eerie.... and you have an incredible grasp on grammar and punctuation and such a wide vocab for someone who is not a native English speaker. Your writing is better than most of my English friends' speaking X'D I'm really impressed by this story and I don't think it needs much editing but if I was going to tear this one up a little and pick out anything, this is what i say you could d to improve...

In that last big paragraph, near the end, this line - I will be always by your side - does make sense and is a good line but it sounds a little clumbsy the way you have placed the words. Try this instead - I will always be by your side - It just flows a little better with the rest of the paragraph and isn't as clumbsy. It's only minor but will help the paragraph along and won't ruin the end of it by breaking up the rythm. It just keeps the rythm steady and fluent. It makes sense either way though so that is entirely up to you :P

I would suggest going into a bit more (maybe not loads more though :P ) detail on the scene where Richard kills the boy in the forest. I love the way you talk about the biting and scratching and it sounds very animalistic. Take advantage of that. Compare it to an animal. You have lots of room for similies and metaphors there and these can really give it a sense of realism as it gives it something very human and normal that we can relate his actions to so we get a better idea of what he is doing to. I also want to know what he is feeling in that moment. All the emotions... Or does he feel anything at all?

There is a lot of room for description there aswell, about the boy mainly.... Where did you bite? Scratch? What did he look like in that point? How do you think he felt? What did he look like he felt? What where his emotions? Was he sad, scared or angry? Or desperate? Did he try fight back in any way? How big/tall was he? was he easy to overcome? or was it a real struggle? Was he on drugs at the time? Did he have anything with him? Did you have to dispose of that to? What noises did he make? Screaming? Shouting? Begging and pleading with you? Did he call out for anyone? Was he crying? What did the wounds look like? Where they deep gashes? Bleeding, weeping, teeth-shaped holes? Was his hair matted with blood? His clothes? I'll leave the rest to your imagination... :P

In this scentene it reads - so it was swept it under the curtain - I don't know if this was a mistake or just awkward wording but if you remove the 'it' in the middle of that scentence (highlighted in bold) it will make a lot more sense :D

Other than that it's a pretty awesome story and maybe someone else with a bit more experience can pull it aart a little more and maybe analyse it  little better but from where I'm sitting this looks really well written and is a very interesting story. i really got the idea of his insanity slowly takig him over and consuming his life and thoughts and pushing him to kill that boy. it's actually rather impressive. i would publish it if you are completely happy with it. Reallly, well done :P Awesome sauce!!! xx