Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26074293-20150204112517/@comment-26007602-20150204144905

This wasn't actually too long.

First off, you use waaaaay too many ellipses throughout the story (you actually only use two periods instead of the standard three periods). Ellipses have no place outside of dialogue and your attempt to use them to create suspense does not work and looks melodramatic to the reader. I'm not particularly interested in going through grammatical errors, so let's get down to the story.

You include far too many meaningless character details in the beginning of the story. The facts that this guy is "nerdy" and "an IT guy" do not play into the story and should be removed in favor of adding more tension to the beginning. I can see you were trying to do this with lines such as, "that fucking tape". The problem is that we as readers have no reason to worry or care about the tape (partially since we already know what it is going to be about from reading the title); the tape needs to have some adverse effects on the protagonist to subtly hint that he is not the same (rather than him just stating it over and over).

The whole concept of "this is my last message; it's gonna get me" is a huge cliche, and should be deleted as soon as possible. Also, it doesn't work as a final message in the first place. Someone who is fearing for their own life is not going to type out the entire story for others to read, especially not so casually. The lines that are obviously included to attempt to induce tension are out of place for someone who is typing their last message; they aren't going to be trying to sate the reader.

The tape itself is also underwhelming. Here's why: Ronald McDonald isn't that scary (at least in my opinion). Also, he isn't really even used effectively; he's just there to act as an interchangeable monster that could be replaced by any other entity. There's no reason for his actions or intentions other than "he's evil". It just doesn't make sense and seems almost comical thinking of this mascot killing (or putting a mask on, for some reason) the protagonist.

All in all, this story doesn't bring anythig new to the haunted video genre. It's not very interesting to read either. If you can think of a way to put a unique spin on the haunted video concept, then I can see it working. Currently though, I don't see it beig accepted in the state it is in. Let me know if you need any specific ideas for improvement.