Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180623205835

Mostly a joke kind of thing I did for Reddit, but I thought about it, why not post it here and see what people think. Gimme your opinions. ______________________________________________________________________________

You can call this an advert to my, our services. You see, my line of work is rather unique. I work in the wish-granting field so to speak, the wishes I grant are special, people approach me and my colleagues when they have no alternatives, for the most part, that is.

We specialize in supplying extreme means to deal with extreme situations. That said, I am specifically talking about extreme situations that apply to people, not objects, not animals nor do we act like a private police force that saves people from dangers. No, on the contrary, we put individuals in danger.

I assume you’ve already figured out what I am trying to say, forgive me for beating around the bush, but I’ve no other options considering the internet is my only way of advertising my services and as you know its full of whiney kids who could blow up the entire front if they find even a single word that “triggers” them. I wouldn’t want that. I man has got to make money.

Speaking of money, the prices we require are not high and we maintain our clients’ anonymity, so there’s that.

Now to make things a little clearer, I’d like to share my company’s back story. It’s kind of hard to believe, you see, but please, do try. All of it started with the infamous Slender Man Stabbing in Wisconsin, after that occurrence, some of my more senior colleagues decided to start our company to be able to indulge in their violent desires in a none counter productive manner, kill for the Almighty Dollar. Now, you must be wondering how the Wisconsin incident had any connection to their decision, well the motive that lead to the incident, a murderous fictional humanoid creature, that is what lead to the idea this company is built upon.

Monsters.

We do the dirty job and frame the monsters in humanity’s minds for the deed.

One could say that humans keep on using the concept of monsters to allow themselves to commit heinous acts without the repercussions of cognitive dissonances, but I firmly believe monsters were and are part of warfare, monsters are kind of psychological warfare.

Now if you’re wondering what kind of monstrosities we paint ourselves as, and I know for sure you are, curiosity is an important part of the human experience. We prefer a pale white mask with two large black rings around the eye holes and a disfigured grin carved at the jaw level.

Sounds familiar? Well it has to be! In all honesty though, we also apply the concept of Copycat to further confuse the law. By mimicking one another’s patterns, we make sure there is never a chance one of us leaves an obvious trail to follow. Probably the best example of our team work can be described in what we call the Denbigh hit. Back in 2014, when we just started, we’ve received a request to deal with one pesky reporter so one of our members in Wales took residence for that night in an Asylum and began fucking around with the reporter’s computer. While two other members were acting outright insane out of the reporter’s apartment. After hacking the reporter’s camera, our member in Wales began slowly creeping his way towards his recording set and by the time he hit his camera, the other two began knocking on the reporter’s door, talk about teamwork. I bet the guy shit his pants then and there. Needles to say, I assume you already know where this is heading, the reporter did not make it out of his apartment that night.

His head is in a jar somewhere…

Yeah, we have some pretty sick members of our own, but as long as they co-operate and make sure not to expose everything, we really don’t judge.

Anyhow, after taking care of the reporter, we’ve fabricated the whole story, added some supernatural elements to make it seem like a fictional story and sold it to you.

You bought it….

Seeing as how no one cared to look for the guy long enough for us to burn all the bridges that connected us to him, we just carried on.

Another good example of how good we actually are being how we’ve dealt with some creep in Milwaukee, he had been stalking a client of ours for a while and she caught on to him. He was a local cop, so she came to us and we’ve sent V her way. He had her play that, and when the fucker came about and found his desired victim “gutted” in the bath he panicked. V came out, and butchered him, all the while pretending to be some kind of oversized killer Mowgli with a disfigured mug.

This trend caught on and another fictional story about us was up after the incident and this almost became the norm, as after major hit, something else would show up, somewhere, online, like I’ve said, copycats keep us afloat.

As for me, I was recruited not too long ago, after a member spotted me “accidentally” my then girlfriend’s drunken ex’s head into tomato soup with a baseball bet for not leaving her alone. There was nothing sophisticated or ceremonious about the invitation to join the company. He just approached me, told me he knows what I did and why and gave me a card. I thought about it for a while, and then gave it a try, I mean, if these guys would’ve turned out to be naïve enough to be used by me, then why not and if not, well I could go out there and do whatever I want, without a worry in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any strings attached to them, they’re just useful, and if they stop being useful, I’ll get rid of them. Just like I did with the pup my family used to own, the little shitter wouldn’t stop shitting in doors, so I gave it an electrifying shower once.

Somehow, I ended up dealing with all those who wish to die but are unable to do it themselves, not that it matters, after all, they pay. The latest one was some porn girl named Mercedes. First time I met her, or rather, she met me, was when she woke up to me crouching over her bed. Man, the look in her eyes, and that scream.

These always crack me up.

I bet seeing that white disfigured face…

Makes people so scared they wanna die.

Imagine waking up to that sight… I know I would throw a fit…

When we came to the deed, she decided on death by hanging, mid-way through she was having doubts, too bad, I just squeezed a little harder and it was over.

Seriously though, if I did not have standards I would’ve poked her holes a couple of times after job was done, I mean, what a body!

I’m sorry, I was getting carried away, and yes, we do take care of celebrities too, don’t you think for a second that the recent “suicide epidemic” in Hollywood is a random thing.

Anyhow, I found this little site through another client, I got this request from a fellow reddit user, whose name I shall not reveal, requesting to take out this other guy from here, Dr_Marglim, with IP address and all. I guess he was pissed over some threat started by that Marglim guy.

Yeah, like I've said, people pretend there are "monsters" in their heads or in others to avoid the mental reprocussions but then again, someone just ordered another guy killed over an internet comment.

He opened a troll threat in which he pretended to be kidnapping two people and having the audience eventually decide the fate of these people, some followed along, the client though, he went ballistic on the guy. I, personally, didn’t see anything wrong with that joke but I took the job anyway.

The guy took up a lot of time setting this joke thing, ever wonder why he never interacted with his commentators or made a second appearance?

Let’s say his neighbor’s dog never had a better steak in its life. If you are, indeed, interested in my help, please let me know in the comments, and we'll conduct business from there. 