Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24143974-20141211092728/@comment-21418328-20141211101359

Alright, to be perfectly blunt: This is absolutely weak.

The story gives you absolutely nothing to go off of in terms of character development or plot development. You seemed to have an idea that you didn't know what to do with. Probably just originated with the "You'll never get out of here" line you came up with.

It's pretty unoriginal as far as shock value/horror goes. You used a run-on sentence when describing the "incident" and didn't really develop much else of the story. That paragraph is 3 sentences long, which is fine if you can condense information but you pretty much gave us nothing to go off of.

You're jumping all over the place with seemingly no destination in sight. Actually it might be better if I just go step by step through this.

1st paragraph: Oh shit! He's trapped in some room for no reason? Why the hell is he here?! Oh my god this is so terrifying there are CREAKY FLOORBOARDS?! Does anyone else live with him? How old is he?

2nd paragraph: Oooooooh an incident happened seven years ago. A mother of three kids was murdered!?! What happened to the kids?! Wait, how the hell did the main character know about an incident?

3rd paragraph: Okay, so we had an entire character described to us that plays utterly no part in this story. Where's Jack? I want to see Jack. I miss me some Jack.

4th paragraph: Alright, so a cliched deep voiced caller is saying some cliched words which just happened to be all over the walls. Pretty cut and dry there.

5th paragraph: Oh look, big surprise a ghost came out of freaking nowhere. Gosh, I wonder what she's going to say..... Oh, and she's in her late 20s and wearing white, this seems vaguely familiar. I wonder what her name is or how old she actually is. Seriously though, where'd her kids go?

Last sentence: A good cliffhanger that leaves us in complete and utter fear.

Overall you have a lot of work to do. Don't expect to write a polished gem in 10 minutes next time.