Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20170107192923/@comment-30891328-20170109141345

Derpyspaghetti wrote: I shouldn't have listened to my curiosity, because had I not, I would still have my innocence. Before I get to my story my name is Jack, my mom died after I was born and my father disappeared soon after, the only parent I have is my grandfather who's a paster(pastor) at a church. I live in Montana, and I like to party with my friends in the woods near our town. We'd have things like soda, chips, and music. One sunday, I was planning to have a party and decided to ask my grandpa over.(this paragraph is not very well written. I get what it is,

I had a small talk with him before asking, "Hey grandpa, I'm having a party in the woods! Wanna come?".

Grandpa: Jack! Thoses woods are private property! Stay out of them!

Me: Seriously gramps? They're just... woods.

Grandpa: Just, please stay out! Or else! Ok? (This isn't a good talking segment. Dialogue should be surrounded by "Quotation marks," and usually says 'he said' at the end. Only in extremely long dialogue segments should you use that trick)

I then said, "Fine!", before walking away and texting my friends that the party was canceled.(cancelled)

That was a first for my grandpa, and in my years of knowing him I do see him angry, but saying he'd do something bad to me! That was a whole new level!(Use Exclamation points sparingly) Weeks passed and I got curious... too curious!(Again, exclamation points should be used extremely sparingly) I decided to go into those woods and find whatever secret my grandfather id(was) keeping from me. I came up to the woods, took a breath, and stepped into that forest. About 20(write out numbers) minutes later, I found myself standing outside a ghost town(Jeez, this is a weirdly laid out forest), I decided to look around. As I went through a hotel I found I thought I could see small hidden cameras in the corners of a few rooms. I then walked out and into an old building that looked like what was once a barber shop/saloon, and again I saw a camers(camera) in the corner of the first room. I walked out and saw a man standing there. I walked over to him waving my hand and then, stopped noticing his appearance. He had green skin, his arms had scars all over them, his face looked as if someone ripped his lips off, his back curved back and forth, his eyes were just black dots in the middle of white(white what? there's no noun for that adjective), and had huge feet. The thing charged at me while giving a hissing sound, I ran too. I ran out of the woods and stopped to catch my breath, but when I looked up, I saw my grandpa.

Grandpa: Jack, do you remember what I told you?

I gulped and said, "Yes.".

Grandpa: Come with me, I'll have to report you for trespassing.

We walked to the sherif(Sheriff)s department.

When we were almost there I said, "Gramps, what was that weird creature at the ghost town?".

He stopped us and said, " So, you saw it.", he turned toward me and said, "Look, that town you were in was Bannack, the first town to be built in the state. They say that the people in the town were killed by indians... but me and the authorities all know the truth. 20(twenty) years ago, that monster you saw came out if the woods and killed almost averyone(everyone) in their sleep.".

I thought about the cameras I saw and said,"Say, I think I saw some cameras in some if the buildings."

My grandpa slapped his knee and said, "Darn it! Now I'm goning to have to tell the cops that our cover is blown!".

He noticed my confused face and said, "Look, we have set those cameras to see if that thing was still there so that we could study it."

Me" Why didn't you just hunt it down?

Grandpa: We did! But all whi(what is that wordd?) went into thise(these) woods... never came back out."

He led me to the police staiton(station) and I was told not to tell anyone. I don't know what I saw, nor do I know what is going on in those woods. My advise(advice): Be careful whose business you get in. All I know now is that I now don't live in Montana anymore.

This was a good foundaation for a story, but other than the zombie monster part, it read much more like a plot summary than an actual story. No rewrite needed, but it would do yoou worlds of good to go into more detail during the story. You never describe the protagonist at all, and until I reread the first paragraph, I actually thought of them as a girl. Other than that, your story suffers from bland descriptions and spelling/grammar errors (I'd recommend that you run your story through a spell check before resubmitting it). All in all, this was a good start, and I'm excited to see this on the site. Thanks for the heads-up, that word is 'who', I have typing problems that I sometimes don't recognize.