Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32065699-20170521143951/@comment-32065699-20170523160517

ChristianWallis wrote:

You return to your apartment at three AM after a night outside [out] with friends. You take a look at the stairs thinking that arriving [going] to the seventh floor by those would be quite the task, then [so] you call the elevator.

It comes down [and] after a longer [than usual] wait than usual, you enter it and press the button with a seven on it. The door closes and you start going up while [,] as usual [,] the elevator music starts playing.

You quickly realize that it's not at all the usual elevator music. Along with the normal rhythm you hear what seem like whispers [awkward wording; consider ‘hear what seems like whispering’]. Initially you think you're imagining everything, but the whispers rapidly become screams that keep getting louder. [awkward wording]

You panic. Not only do you have no idea what is going on, [delete comma, insert ‘but’] the screams are becoming deafening; they reverberate in your head that [and it] feels like it's about to explode. You cuddle [word choice matters, I think might mean ‘huddle’ which has a similar meaning to ‘cuddle’ but cuddle is a friendly, warm and affectionate act] up in a corner and close your ears, but it's useless.

Just when you've reached the brink of madness, the elevator stops. Hidden by the hellish screams [which are] now louder than ever, the music [has] also stopped. Before the door in front of you opens, you finally realize what was happening: [full stop, not a colon] the screams weren't getting louder, you were just getting closer and closer to them. '[another note; streamline events and keep it simple. If the order of events is ‘realisation’ followed by ‘doors opening’ that should be reflected in the words. i.e. You realise you’re getting closer to the screams THEN the doors open. As it is you fumble this order and the result is an awkward pacing.]'

Mechanical issues; A few. Nothing big, just odd word choices at times.

Stylistic issues; Micropastas are hard to write and there’s no nice way to say that you haven’t made this work. Every word needs to matter in a micropasta and that’s not the case here.

Plot issues; none, I actually kinda liked the overall idea.

Conc: It’s hard to write micropastas. Keep at it. I don’t know who deleted your story but you should message them and ask why. Admins will usually take the time out to explain what it was that your story lacked. Just be polite.

Also, yes, this wikia does have different standards. You can find themhere. Please read them.



So are you saying that the pasta's acceptable if I fix the errors you pointed out or not? I don't understand because you said I should ask the one who deleted it (Mr Dupin) why he did it but you also told me why you would have also done it.

Also, I read the standards, but it doesn't really go into detail so much that I can just look at what I've written and be sure that it it's not going to be accepted

