Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25050660-20140617201402/@comment-24918243-20140618164151

I think it started out well.

The whole jealousy angle was well developed and the story seemed pretty plausible. That is until Lucy started going all Marvel Comics Medusa on the girls. Then it kind of goes downhill from there.

I'm not saying something like that could not be pulled off, but in this case it just seemed out of nowhere. Lucy mentions that whatever that was, happened in the past, but we are left wondering exactly what "it" is and what is causing it.

Is Lucy possessed, is she a demon-spawn, is she the love child of Medusa and Black Lightning? We don't know. It's a shame that you developed the whole start of the story so well and then just drop this out of nowhere. You also mentioned her dad had to move last time it happened, but we never see or hear about her dad which makes him feel more like an afterthought then a character.

Finally you cut abruptly to the little party and we find out this was pretty much a campfire story. You also shift from 3rd person to 1st person making it even more confusing and which I find was a terrible mistake.

Then you mention that she attacks anyone she finds after 3 AM, but we do not know why that time is significant. It also ruins any chance of a surprise because when the narrator checks the time, it's the same as if you had a blinking neon-sign saying he was going to get killed.

But what killed what to me was a potentially good story was the last line. " And that was the last time anyone ever heard of me." If that is so, then how come we are hearing from "you" now? That brings me back to what I said that is was a mistake going from 3rd to firs person in the first place.

The grammar is mostly okay, but there is a part close to when Lucy starts going all diabolical where you seem to forget to change paragraphs in the dialog. There are also some other mistakes that I am sure you'll pick up if you proof-read it carefully.

All in all, I think the story does have some potential. But while I do think the first part went well, about half-way through it kind of turns into a train wreck. So I would suggest rethinking and rewriting from that point on.