Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26535147-20150715233120/@comment-26908800-20150820132229

I would say right now your biggest issue is that you are too involved with the story. By that I mean you are seeing a rapid flow of events and setting them down on 'paper' as they come to you. Remember, this isn't real life, your goal as a write is to pique the interest of the reader.

Example: " The doll had a old red smile, with a dusty and moldy clown suit on, but the most unsettling feature of it was the button on its belly, when you pushed it, the clown would burst into a high pitched cackling noise, it sounded like a deranged cartoon laugh. "

This here is your hook sentence. Starting with the setting and background isn't great for building tension like you want with horror. Engage me the doll.

So re-work it like this: "The Doll [capitalize the titular character] had a faded [use more detailed adjectives to convey qualities, a lot of old things look old in different ways, color fades with time] red smile, its [I use the possesive "its" insted of "of it"]  most unsettling feature was the button on the belly. When pushed [be as active in voice as you can], the clown burst ["would" indicates more possiblity, you want to be concrete] in a high pitched cackling noise like a deranged cartoon [I edited out the reduplicated ideas "cackling" is a type of laugh, you don't need to say "sounded like" when you show the action the reader understands that cackling sounds like something (as opposed to looking or smelling, you wouldn't say 'it burst into a cackling that smelled like a fart."]

Just slow down your writing and keep your salient points effective and as brief as possible.