Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26872762-20150814000949/@comment-26399604-20150814221233

A few grammatical errors, I noticed. Corrections were noted with brackets:

+Then, [I] saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back.

+The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with [a] large cemetery.

-

Also to note, I feel you overused "then" a few times then you actually needed. You can actually take it out and still get your point across. I noted one area below.

+For example:

-Here is part how you have it written. The "then's" are noted by asterisks:

When I arrived inside the game, the first thing I saw was absolutely terrifying. The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with large cemetery. *Then, when I looked around more closely, I saw a large decrepit mansion in the distance, and so I ran towards it. It only took 5 minutes to get to the mansion, and I sat down on the steps to take a break. *Then, a saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back. *Then I turned around for just one second, and when I turned back around, she was already gone.

---


 * Here is the same part but with "then" removed/replaced and noted with asterisks:

When I arrived inside the game, the first thing I saw was absolutely terrifying. The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with a large cemetery. *When I looked around more closely, I saw a large decrepit mansion in the distance, and so I ran towards it. It only took 5 minutes to get to the mansion, and I sat down on the steps to take a break. *Suddenly, I saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back. *I turned around for just one second, but when I turned back around, she was already gone.

--

Grammatical errors aside, the story was a decent read. However, the last four paragraphs felt rushed and crammed. You had build up in the beginning even after the character was sent into the game. There was a nice conflict with the girl he met and how he reacted to her.

Yet when it came down to the main antagonist, he was quickly dispatched in one paragraph along with an assortment of other enemies. There really didn't seem to be any threat to the main character because he was able to easily take out the antagonist. I felt there should have been more conflict at that moment. Furthermore, the addition of random children after his demise was too...random. The main character was suddenly able to take them out just as easily despite their numbers and escape.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to remove any of these elements. Instead, you should expand upon them. If this man was luring others to complete this plan, elaborate on it. I'm not saying he has to have a full background, but maybe a little explanation on why he wants to obtain this power. Was it loss of a loved one, helplessness, anger...etc...

If the children are going to appear, maybe they should do so after the antagonist reveals his true intentions, instead of after his demise. Who are the children to begin with? Are they past souls who were claimed by his deceit that are now under his control? Why are they there? These are some questions to think about. If he's going to engage with them, it should be more challenging. You have a whole "game world" that you set him up in, utilize it.

In regards to the end, if the CIA were aware of this to begin with, what is their involvement in the ordeal? Were they in on it and if they were, what is in it for them? If they were not, how did they plan to stop it? This adds a little realistic factor to, especially if you involve them.

Again, your story was decent and I think with a few adjustments, it can become a more enjoyable read. The pointers I have listed were based on my own opinion and factors I believe will help polish it up. I hope to read more of your work in the future.