Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-11545155-20170203223755/@comment-11545155-20170203231152

EmpyrealInvective wrote: There were quite a lot of issues here ranging from capitalization, wording, tense issues, and plot problems.

Capitalization: "the HDMI cables were secure though the Television (television shouldn't be capitalized) depicted a grey box with "NO SIGNAL" shown on a light blue background.", ""Dammit, stupid TV, Sony and their bullshit..." He (he) grumbles" Remember that after dialogue, unless you are starting a new sentence or using a proper noun, you shouldn't capitalize the proceeding word.

Wording: Awkward wording. "The buzzing sound had been going on for months now, growing in noticeability ever since (since when?).", "It takes its time, lifting itself off the ground like a (the) tentacle of a large sea monster.", "The blue tendril, almost as if sentient, is displeased by Jim's calls for help, raising him to the roof and pulling back before slamming Jim onto the hard ground, a loud crack is heard from Jim's shattered ribcage." There's a lot of unnecessary repetition here. In this sentence alone you use Jim three separate times.

Tense Swapping: You frequently shift from telling the story in past tense ("Jim had finished work at his office, as he walked down the sidewalk leading to his apartment building, he couldn't help but be plunged into a bad mood.") to present tense ("Jim panics, flinging his sight to the fuse box, but he is caught off guard by the blue tendril, it wraps itself around his leg and hoists him into the air like a plaything.") without much reason. You need to be uniform in your tenses. If you're telling the story in past tense, stick to it.

Story issues: The description could use quite a bit of work here. Lines like: " Blood gushes onto the floor and the walls as the tendril drives itself backwards and out of Jim's now lifeless corpse." feel generic and overused. "Jim flies back onto the linoleum floor, the sound had returned, and for some reason was much more louder than any previous experiences" also really doesn't do a good job of conveying the stress/terror of the situation.

Story issues cont.: There really doesn't feel like there's a lot happening in the story. Jim punches a fusebox to death and then gets killed by a blue tendril. It feels kind of rushed and lacking build-up that would make the story effective. Also it just feels pointless without any real reason given for the monster's actions or why it was there in the first place for multiple months making that noise without Jim contacting his super or trying to get it resolved. There are other issues, but I think this is a good start on re-working it.

Thank you for the feedback, you brought up things I would have never even thought of, I'll be sure to utilise this in the future.