Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170221115929/@comment-31111342-20170221153349

Well, I can start off by saying you are definitely improving and listening to our advice, so good work there! I was able to visualize better this time, and got a bit engaged.

However, there are criticisms.

1. Grammar issues. You use too many "ands", which should be replaced with commas. (" The weeks went on as regular, and Jess started 2nd grad e, and I started my old teaching job again." Should be " The weeks went on as regular, Jess started 2nd grade, and I started my old teaching job again.") You wrote "ok" instead of "okay." At the end you used "they're" instead of "their", etc.

2. The first paragraph talking about how strange fire is needs to be re-worked. It doesn't fit with the rest of the story and I'd thought this story would be about fire when I first started it.

3. The dialog is mostly okay and I don't mind the writing style, but switching between prose and italicized dialog with actions in stars (for lack of a more technical term) takes me out of a story and messes with the flow. You should try to make it all work together instead of jumping between two styles.

Beyond that, I don't have too much to say. It's not a fantastic story, but it's definitely an improvement over your other ones. Keep it up.