Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36877863-20181130182930/@comment-35711173-20181201004223

This is better, way better.

I would start with reading it out loud to yourself several times. You want to make sure it flows very nicely off the tongue of any would be narrator.

Why is this guy going to Taiwan? What airport is he in? What airline and flight? Where is he in the airport? It sounds like before security, but I am guessing. What else does he see or smell? What baggage does he have?

Why doesn't he get in the escalator?

I get no feel for where Anthony is when the story first starts. Bright, dark, green with yellow polka dots, loud, silent, smelling like a Greek restaurant, etc.

If someone said "Here's an extra 66 years of life, take it" then I'd be thinking like what I will do, where I will go, retirement benefits, stuff like that. OK, no time for a lot of that, but the idea of 50 years on a Maui beach or doing something has to cross his mind.

Actually, I get no feel for Anthony. Old, young, tall, short, rich, poor, healthy, sick, married, single, I don't know what but something.

If I were the repair man, I would be REALLY pissed. He's stuck in there with some bozo who got the two of them stuck. He's be shouting "You idiot, I should break your face. You got us stuck here for the next two hours, until my supervisor comes back.  Do you know how much money I am losing?" Yet he seems really calm, even when shook by a violent weirdo.