Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20141214014003/@comment-24881871-20141219085143

I don't know how much you've improved since I didn't read the previous version, but this edited version has a lot of issues.

Your descriptions generally fall into two categories: superfluous and nonsensical. An example of the former category is how in the beginning, you describe people by their hair color. This information would help with character development if you were to include other things that could define their appearance, like eye color, facial structure, and so on. But hair color alone creates an odd kind of image, as if it's the only discernible feature a character has. The latter is a much bigger problem; you smith mutually exclusive words together and come up with contradictory phrases like "stark, white room." Some words are unfitting, like when you wrote "the start of such incidents" instead of "the start of these incidents."

You also need to heavily revise your punctuation. You frequently separate two independent clauses by both a period and a conjunction, which really interrupts the flow of the story. An example of this is "Alexander finished the first half and reached for the other half. When he saw something out the corner of his peripheral right view." Another major issue with punctuation is your habit of using commas to separate a single clause into two parts, like "he said, at his misfortune."

The plot isn't strong, but it's good enough.

The main things you need to work on are descriptions and punctuation. Fix those and it might be ready for upload to the main site. Until then, keep it here.