Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160727122520/@comment-24101790-20160806070746

No one expects the late night review from a partially delirious admin who's trying to tie up loose ends before going afk for a good couple of days! (Not as catchy as the other one...) Let's start with the mechanical issues:

"See; the Police are looking for this car." Police shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a proper noun (a specific police force like: "The Santa Barbara Police") or starting a sentence.

"So, that's the car said to me this morning." should likely be: "So that's what the car said to me this morning."

"Look(comma missing) I don't even want to write about it. I'm just confused."

"Great News!" and "The News this morning shows that the robberies that have been occurring have come to a halt!" News really shouldn't be capitalized as it's not a proper noun (see above).

"The way the engine smelt as it smoked and steamed whilst our car rolled off the road and into the trees." While smelt can be correct, I treat it like payed vs. paid. Payed is a nautical term and smelt is a smithing term so I tend to use the less ambiguous spelling of paid and smelled.

Those were the issues that I spotted, but I would review the other commentators to see if there's anything I missed. Onto the story itself.

"The entries were penned by Keith Martlet; and their accuracy has neither been confirmed nor denied by any party other than the author himself." As you open with the framing device of a leaked journal, I would end with the framing device to wrap up the story. I would maybe draw another link to exhaust and have that be the man's method of killing himself (exhaust inhalation) to really make the title stick.

Here's one of the bigger issues with the story. The message: "Hello friend. May good fortune and luck follow your kind heart. Keep this gift, and how you discovered it a secret. In this box you will find the keys to your new car, and a generous amount of money to contribute to the upkeep of this fine establishment." really feels off. I'm not sure who would randomly receive money and a new car and not look into it. Maybe you can have the narrator believe it's a charity that does low-key operations for struggling businesses.

I'm not really sure of the man's reasoning behind not going to the police when the message becomes threatening. ""A kind heart is good. A true heart is just. Keith, this money, and car, are yours. Do not tell the police, do not tell anybody - for my heart is not as kind as yours." ... "So, I've been checkmated. I can't call the police, and I can't just allow somebody to waltz through my workshop after closing hours". I really don't quite understand why he can't call the police in this situation. Perhaps I missed something, but it feels like a reasonable decision.

"Police are now searching for … sports car … perhaps a Rolls … or a Bentley … car has been seen escaping … robberies in the southern rural areas…" Why wouldn't he get the police involved at this point if he's almost certain at the time of the diary entry that the car is hot? Why risk becoming an accomplice to a crime especially if he feels threatened? This becomes even more apparent when this line happens: "That means my Custom Built Nightmare is not involved with any crime! So you know what? I'm getting the fuck rid of it." Why is he only now deciding to ditch it?

Onto the parts I enjoyed:

I enjoyed the description and would like to see a bit more implying what kind of entity this car is and what its intentions are. "Like the thick, grimy, shower-plughole hair. Just that, and some oil. Lots of it. It was almost solid, as if it had the texture of a pulled-pork roast, just falling apart into a sloppy mess. And the stench… like a festering corpse."

The story feels very reminiscent of Stephen King's "Christine" in some scenes which is nice ("Then, in an instant, a loud screech came from the other wreck. Like the sound of chalk on a chalkboard, but deafening. In the space of five seconds, it twisted and morphed back into shape - undoing every last bit of damage the accident had caused to it.")

All in all, there are some mechanical issues present and some of the story could use a bit of tweaking to make the scenario feel a bit more organic/natural. I'd say with these issues fixed, it'd make a fine addition to the site.