Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27808152-20160320033624

This is my first pasta, and I would really appreciate some feedback. I look forward to your ideas for improvement. Thank you for your help.

_______________________________________________________________________________



Hello, my name is Danny. I’m a little paranoid about anyone breaking into my house; this is why. The scariest thing about my story is that it’s too true. I will try and write down my worst nightmare even though it was 6 years ago, here it is:



I work for a taxi company in the suburbs of town. Downtown is usually too busy, so I like to stay on the outskirts. I was driving at night, the time was 2:30 AM. I was about to go home, but one rider called me up, so I left the McDonald’s I was eating at for a snack and drove to the location. I picked him up from the airport and took him to a hotel/casino on the west side. He told me that he had lived in town before, and he said he didn’t like this part of town.

“Why?” I asked

“Well long story short, there was a man who just kept following me in his car. He didn’t stop till I jumped out of my car with my .38 Pistol. After that he just drove away into the city.”

“Did you report him to the police?” I asked.

“Well I didn’t really think of it dangerous until…”

“Until what?”

“U-until he b-broke into my a-apartment.” He was shaking, his face was a ghostly shade of white.

“Well, how did you know it was him?” I asked

“It was the same truck, same license plate… I-I think I should be going now.”



I said bye and drove away and signed off the “Available Drivers” list. I was about halfway to my house. Even though I had logged off, the app still shows the other drivers who are on. A whole bunch were piled in the city and a few were in the suburbs. Then all of a sudden a car logged on… right behind me! All the cars shown are black as default, and you couldn’t change the color of it, but this one was… red… a blood-like red. I looked behind me, there was no car there. I stopped for a sec and looked in the rear-view mirror, double-checking, still no car. I looked at the monitor, the car had stopped. I drove, the car drove, I stopped, the car stopped. I know it sounds cliché, but I thought it was a bug in the app. I drove and slammed on my brakes; I nearly hit a woman who was walking. I got out of the car and immediately apologized. I kept driving… but still the car was following. Then I heard it, the hair-raising scream. I stupidly turned back to see a… c-car a red car and the same woman I saw walking slumped on the ground; a masked man was dragging her into the back of his car. I figured that the car hit her and I saw the masked man get into the car, armed. I floored it out of there, but I was able to get a few quick glances. I’m a pretty big guy, 6’ 2”, 220 pounds; I played tight end in high school, but this guy was huge, around 6’ 6”, 270. A few minutes later I was home. I looked back and checked my app; there was no red car. I should’ve told you earlier, but I live in a quiet, peaceful, neighborhood, a few houses for lease. I laid back on the driver’s seat recalling what the fuck just happened. A few minutes later I entered my house.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;min-height:18px;">

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">I told my wife what happened and that she should get some sleep. I called my friend, John. We would go hunting together in Colorado; he had a gun and was a pretty good shot (even though I hoped we wouldn’t have to use our guns). He arrived a few minutes later and reported the same car was slowly driving our way. I grabbed my Remington 85 Sniper Rifle, and he had a shotgun and his Rottweiler, Max. We sat at the door waiting for any sort of knock or life outside. A few minutes later we heard rustling outside! We took the safety off and I slowly opened the door! Don’t worry, it was just a cat. Max started barking and pulling to try and get the cat. We closed the door, and a few minutes later I heard something else… a ride being requested on my phone! I was logged off, though… plus it was from right outside the door! I feared I knew who it was. I told John to open the door slightly; outside was the woman I had almost hit. Thinking it was just her, I apologized and started to close the door, but as I closed it I noticed something funny… she was still… too still. I later realized that she was dead, and she was being sort of propped up on a sandbag.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">“Hey Danny, you better get your gun ready,” John told me.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">Outside that fucked up psycho was getting out of his car. I raised my rifle, and he just looked at me with a smile; as you could guess, it wasn’t a smile of pleasure… it was… well, a smile a fucked up psycho would give. We stood awkwardly for a few minutes, then he got in his car and drove away.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;min-height:18px;">

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">I thanked John for his time and told him to go home and get some rest, but it wasn’t over.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:14px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">I couldn’t sleep, it was 4:15 AM. Then I heard a rustling from the closet. I opened the closet to see something disturbing: a sleeping bag, a water bottle, and a half eaten sandwich. And the same man in the car. I remember screaming like a girl, I grabbed my rifle and told my wife to call the police. The man took a run for it; he leaped out, punching me in the ribs and tried to jump out the window, but right before he jumped I shot him in the leg. He flew out the window and landed on the ground hard with a thud and a cracking noise. The cops arrived a few minutes later; they took him to jail. I learned he died later in a prison hospital of natural causes. The cops told me that he had been living in my closet for 4 months. But something disturbed me more than anything else… there was an old crawlspace in my house, there was an air duct there that led to the closet. That must be how he was entering without us noticing. I always heard strange noises in there and thought it was just the A/C kicking on and off, but now I realized it was that creep. The thought of someone in my house for 4 months, the thought of someone watching me in my sleep, just feels… it’s hard too explain. So maybe you will understand a little better why people call me paranoid. <ac_metadata title="The Phantom Car (Unreviewed)"> </ac_metadata>