Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26070273-20150203041013/@comment-25975226-20150203054641

I'll start with some 'housekeeping issues' if you will. (Grammar etc.)

But it's okay there's a little bit of light coming through the windows in the living room, but then you get to the hallway. - This sentence is a little clumsy. Try not to start your sentences with 'but' as much as possible. Scrap 'But it's okay', and just start with 'There's a little bit of light...' instead.

Wait, what was that, something move? - This is also clumsy. This can be handled two ways. You can change 'move' to 'moving', or you can instead write: "Wait, what was that? DId something move?" Just don't leave it the way it is.

"mostly closed" is an odd word choice. You could say "almost shut" or something along the lines of that, though this isn't strictly incorrect and you could leave it if you want.

You try to scan the room with your eyes wide as you can open them to see if you can find any source of movement. - This is a bit hard to read. You should revise this sentence and make it easier to understand.

You tentatively wrap your arm around us at the door frame to grope at the light switches. - This is a weird sentence that isn't explained further on in the story. Try and elaborate on this a bit more, because at the end only one person was watching. Who is 'us'?

You go in and close the door and go about your business, you wash your hands and right as you open the door, fear clutches you, you forgot that it was so dark in the hallway. - Please break this up into at least two sentences. It's too long and clumsy, put full stops in instead of commas in some places.

Now onto the plot:

It is a bit cliche, and I've seen it done before. I think that if you heightened the creepy feelings by enlongating the story (like including smells, touch, hearing and the other senses in to describe whatever was on the ceiling) you could have a real winner. The story has a few issues, but it does have potential. I don't think you should scrap it, just try to increase the feelings of dread and make it relatable to the reader, so they real feel like they're in that situation. :)