Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24169760-20171229214014/@comment-9041013-20180331082433

Helel ben Shahaar wrote: I'd like to review this; but first, for me to even consider it, you need to seriously fix your grammar. Your story can be the next Gym Teacher, and if it has poor grammar, no one on this wiki will give it more than a glance.

Fix your grammar, then we can talk. The Gym Teacher is just a gorno piece. ​​​​​​

As for this story, yeah, fix the grammar. Fix the sizes of the character. (178cm isn't exceptionally tall, thats about average in the west) and give it Acromegaly, ei, gigantism. This, unlike the name says, does not have to make him EXTREMELY TALL, it just causes the bones to grow beyond what they should as a result of benign tumor on a gland in one's brain. This usually causes a great height, oversized chests, heads, and arms and feet.

Look at this dude. Lars Sullivan He is built like a tank with a gigantic head (his head is huge) and he's just 190ish, which is above average, but not extremely rare. He's a god damn comic book monster come to life. This is what a freak should look like, not some "red eyes, black sclerae", that's not scary because it's unrealistic. If you want a human to be both realistic and monsterous, make him a really big, mean looking version of Schrek (who by the way himself was based off a pro wrestler with Acromegaly and was popular as fuck due to his line of work back in the day) I am using the same medical condition mostly because it fits your story of a kid becoming an adult as the plot goes and this condition usually starts making itself knowing during adolescence and early adulthood.

Also, change the freaking title, this "Jack the Stalker" feels like "Jeff the Killer" from the get-go and that is terrible.

Moreover, expand on this cult Jack's father belongs to, have his mother be a part of it too and instead of them being outright douches, make it a heavy, dark, harsh cult to be in. You know during the early stages of the Black Death in Italy a certain sect of people started gathering where they'd walk around the towns; half naked, their heads covered in sacks with crosses painted on them and these people would walk around flogging themselves as if reanacting the crucifiction of Christ. You should go with something similar, mandatory self harm, a light one, like flogging or some sort of blood letting, weird superstitions and rituals and a dark philosophy. Now in order for this to not be a random "stupid freak" story, have the father force Jack to stick to this lifestyle thus driving him over the edge at some point in which he just beats his parents to death. (The shotgun is just... bad...)

Ditch the ending, also, it's just bad. Have him escape into the wilderness or end up like Hannibal, caged alone in a crazy prison containment gear.