Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180916054602/@comment-5733573-20180919032318

Thanks for reaching out to me about this one, Icy. I am going to be completely brutally honest with you: even the best of us have a clunker or two in our collection, and this, my friend, is yours. Honestly, it reads like a trollpasta, striking more comedic notes than scary ones, and it seems to have no point other than to gross the reader out. The preachy ending really doesn't help at all, completely ruining any chance the reader might have had of taking the story seriously. This is to say nothing of the completely unnecessary details and buildup that do nothing to contribute to the story.

Execution is also highly problematic. There are grammatical errors by the score and, sometime, you've used a word that has a completely different meaning from what you think it does. For instance, "fizzle out" means "to slowly die or disappear." On top of this, there are lots of awkward sentences and the whole thing feels like you never proofread it.

Long story short, Icy, I really don't think this one is up to snuff. It's just not on the same level as anything else of yours that I've read. If I were in your position, I'd write this off as a learning experience and move on to explore a new idea.