Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25170312-20180208151323/@comment-25170312-20180211002843

HumboldtLycanthrope wrote: Lol. That's pretty funny.

Maybe that's the problem, it comes off as a joke.

I don't know why, but I was really into this obsession over the wall paper. It said something to me, like it was a metaphor for something, or a window into this characters head. I'd like to see it go somewhere else, the ending just seemed so abrupt and goofty. But, that's me, you know, it is a really CP ending. The story just seemed really promising. Kind of literary.

Like a lot of creepypastas this is written in this way that sounds like a friend is telling you a story, which is cool. But, instead of being told, you could have an actual scene, you know. You're telling us about how she like to tell stories, and there's no one to take care of her. What if we have the protagonist in the room doing what he's doing, and she is telling a story, like, we're there. And through dialogue we hear how no one is there for her. Instead of "I had this job delivering hot meals to the elderly," you start with something like, "I knew Mrs. Burningham wouldn't hear the doorbell with her music up so loud, and hot soup was beginning to spill off the tray I balanced between my hip and the door as I thumbed the doorbell again and again. "Mrs. Burningham? Hello? It's Michael with meals on wheels. I got your lunch here."  See how it's showing not telling?

Anyway, just a suggestion. Somethig to think about.

So, yeah, interesting, weird, cool story. I like it. Maybe try a different ending though. Something really unique.

Thanks for the review! I'm not sure about trying to make it more like an actual story. I think you give me too much credit. Or maybe I'm selling mysefl short? The ending is kind of funny I guess. I wanted it to make people go "Ohhhhh shiiiiiit whaaaat??" I'll give it some thought and see if I can figure something out that will have that effect without it seeming too goofy.