Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33937557-20180603171940/@comment-33937557-20180603220215

DrBobSmith wrote: SoDaft Potato, Thank you for the honor of having one of my comments incorporated in your piece.

The story works and it certainly is believable.

Is that Tuscola, Illinois? I lived in Champaign for a while. Isn't the Homecoming parade in late September? Isn't this the High School homecoming parade, with the Tuscola Warriors football team doing their thing? Wouldn't that be in there?

I feel most of it. I don't know how old the protagonist is. I feel pretty young, maybe ten?

Grammar - generally quite good. I spotted a few extra commas. This is in the fourth paragraph. The comma following blue isn't needed. It's a dependent clause with a coordinating conjunction that follows the main clause. (It had a big, green sign with the words "Crocodiles" painted on it in blue, and was composed of a small plastic table and glass jar. ) Likewise in the next sentence in the same paragraph. You don't need a comma following "were" You also don't need a comma in "I reached a hand out to take the candies, but recoiled upon hearing Dad's words replay in my head: "You can't have any 'cause you'll spoil your dinner."

You use incorrect spelling to give a feel in many places. Most of the time it works but there's one I would question. I would change "I know my parents'll let me." to "I know my parents will let me."

Got to run again - more later! I was thinking of Tuscola, Texas. Go, Jim Ned Indians! I lived near there for quite some time. As with another of my stories, inspiration for this came from a real scenario I encountered around the 4th grade. A rather suspicious individual was selling candy, but the candy wasn't actually candy. People near the stand caught on before anyone could take his stuff.

Yeah, I didn't list a definite age, but that's what I was going for.

Thank you for pointing out the extra commas and the spelling thing. Another fix shall come soon.