Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30402176-20161231173904/@comment-24101790-20161231212600

ARedgrave wrote: Dear EmpyrealInvective,

Thank you so much for your feedback. I agree; I always suspected in the back of my mind that this story's incredible length could be off-putting, now I'm glad that I have a second opinion to confirm it. I'm also grateful to have a second pair of eyes to draw attention to the breaks in the line format, so I'll see about fixing those as well.

To be honest, even I'm not really sure what Imran's function in the story is. I wanted there to be a character who played a mute witness to Daniel's mass genocide, but in reality, if he had actually been there and knew about Bee's death, he would obviously say something during the story that makes it clear.

Thank you so much for giving me those html codes too. I'll try and put them all to good use. Also, I'll try and reorganise the story, and trim off a bit of the filler paragraphs with too much information dumping.

I'd say Imran plays the role of being the guide/liaison to the camp so he does have a role, there's just that one wrinkle in the plot that needs smoothing out. My only concern is the Imran works with them in a pretty close capacity so it might seem odd when just the husband returns alone that it's not brought up by either party. In fact, him bringing it up or his lack of recognition that this is one half of the couple who survived the attack might even be one of those catching points to help draw the audience in since they know that Bee isn't around at that point. As for trimming, I think you might be able to work some of that information in elsewhere throughout the story to still give it a realistic feel while reducing the blitz of information up front. Best of luck, lemme know if there's anything else you need help with (either story-wise or site-wise).