Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24474804-20140422181424/@comment-10950063-20140425124911

The third paragraph up from the bottom is still massive. Again, everytime there's a new speaker you need to start a new paragraph.

First graf is one long sentence. You need to split that up. Also, it doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of the story. I would get rid of it.

I'dve is a word. Say "I would have" or "I'd have". Also, the phrase isn't "would of", it's "would have".

Don't use so many exclamation points.

Okay, this has problems.

First, you're going to have to streamline this. Anything that doesn't add to the story needs to be taken away. The first paragraph is useless and so is much of the second. You spend way too much time on the point that there's no college kids. The important information is that the character's family is in Colorado on vacation and the resort is empty. That's it. You can mention that it's strange the resort is empty, but don't get so bogged down in these useless details.

The basic rule of writing is "show, don't tell." You do way too much telling and it hurts the story. Telling is saying multiple times that your character won awards in high school. Showing is letting him demonstrate who important fitness is to him. Having the character go on runs while on vacations does that. Now, you can explain it a little, a quick line about staying in shape, but exercise is self-explanatory.

The third paragraph is really important because it's where you start building your atmosphere. The problem is you don't build it. Again, you start off by telling. Don't say it's creepy, show us. Really get in to it and describe the town, describe the character's feelings. Make us feel the creepiness. Right now, it's nothing. You spend some much time describing why college students should be there and no time describe anything that matters.

It needs to continue while the character is on the mountain. Slow down. Describe, get us into his head, make us feel. The descriptions, the building sense of unease, will create tension. Don't break it with useless diversions. The water isn't important. Lose it.

Don't have the monsters talk like they're in a kid's cartoon. It will really detract from anything you're trying to do. I would also suggest not having them appear so suddenly. It feels like, "Oh, they're here" and then, very quickly, "Oh, I got away."

The whole thing with the sign is pretty goofy. Again, it feels like something from a cartoon. If you really want to keep it, then you need to establish the sign earlier and give us some idea of the dimensions. I recommend dropping it though. How does he even get the sign out of the ground? Most are planted in pretty well. If it's a small sign it's ridiculous, if it's a big sign it's ridiculous. It's not worth it. There has to be a better idea.

The reaction of the character is pretty weird. He doesn't tell his parents or anyone else what happened.

The ending is extremely weak. The character talking to the guy doesn't add much in its current state. We can already assume everything he says. Try to find something with a little more of a punch.

Just one last note, you have some issues with comma usage. You might want to brush up on that.

It's not a hopeless story. I can see something decent in the bones of this. It just needs a lot of tweaking.