Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29969337-20161104130817/@comment-25941663-20161113232149

I will leave my reasons for deleting the story, because this has the potential to get published if you change it around a bit.

I was really on the fence about this one. Technically it's strong and it has some very solid moments. Also, vocabulary-wise, this is great. So as a piece of writing, this is as good as it gets.

My main problem with the story is the gore coupled with the twist. It seems like the gore was put in simply for the shock value. Even though the descriptions are top-notch, it is still a bit too much for this plot. As for the twist, I felt disappointed not because of the idea, which was ingenious, but because of the gore that preceded it. No way anyone could survive, let alone stay conscious, under that amount of torture. It seems like you "cheated" with the twist-ending, as in no way could it have happened. Thus, the effect is diminished massively.

So, the twist doesn't work as it should and that in turn renders the gore just a shock value device, as it has no point other than to shock.

I understand that this is fiction, but this story would have hit so much harder if it was more realistic. Honestly, if instead of the over-the-top gore you had something more "benign", this would have been a very, very good read. One thought that sprung to mind was whipping. Whipping holds a lot of power in horror. It is something that anyone can do (anyone has a belt) and something that seems like a realistic sort of insane punishment.

If you change all that to her beating and whipping herself this will be amazing. If you don't want to do away with all the gory stuff, you can choose to keep either the eye gouging or the nose thing. Both of them seem ridiculous.

These are my thoughts on your story. Unfortunately with stories dealing with excessive gore, it's the details that make or break the story. Here, you have an opportunity to write something great.