Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20190122221206/@comment-35711173-20190123004001

L0CKED334,

Basic English:

Grammarly non-premium errors - three, all in these two sentences.

-- Even through the darkness and my drunken haze I could see something there. A silhuoutte of what appeared to be a person a foot shorter than me was backlit by the nightlight in the bathroom. --

They clean up as follows:

- Even through the darkness and my drunken haze, I could see something there. A silhouette of what appeared to be a person a foot shorter than me was backlit by the nightlight in the bathroom. -

Through the darkness remains as an error - darkness isn't solid. It is defined as the absence of light so there is no "through" possible with darkness. Suggest "Despite the darkness"

Grammarly Premium says you have a boat load of missing commas at conjunctions as well as "Wrong Word" errors.

Scribens found this run-on sentence. Suggest breaking it by turning the "and" between door and two into a period. While you're at it, tighten it by eliminating the "that" in the second sentence.

If you passed through the living room there was a small foyer to your right with our front door and two large French doors to your left that lead to the back yard.

It also points out eleven places that are weak and need tightening. I agree with at least half.

Story:

It's a pretty mild ghost. I could tell you more stories about the ghost in our house. (Yes, on the level our house is haunted.)

Prescription:

This one isn't sizzling hot.

Being drunk distracts from the reliability of the protagonist as a witness. A two liter bottle of Dr Pepper can leave you ready to wet the bed without that issue.

Read it out loud and edit mercilessly. Not enough scary for that length.

I suggest you read "The Turning of the Screw." A real classic.