Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26423665-20150604190112/@comment-17118109-20150718172947

“Original text” Paragraph number

-Corrections suggestions

“dismiss it as nothing but”  1st

-nothing, but

" squats on its haunches in your mind; breeding and feeding..." 1st

-Replace the semicolon with a comma.

"It's a vain fight though as once you’ve reached this point you know there can be no dropping off and you reach the epitome of the night-time quandary; do you lie there for hours trying to achieve slumber or do you open your eyes and look around the room to prove that there’s nothing there?" 2nd

''-Isolate the word "though" with commas. That sentence should end at "quandary" and a comma needs to be after "slumber."''

" give of" 3rd

-give off

"almost but not quite." 3rd

-Unnecessary to the sentence

"You're sure you see a wide grin spread across its face not just from the joy of having found its next meal but mainly because of the sheer number of needle-fine teeth crammed within but no; it's now a circular, lamprey-like maw filled with rows upon rows of saw-toothed protuberances." 3rd

-Better phrasing would be: "You’re certain you see a wide grin spread across its face, perhaps partially from the joy of finding its next meal, but mainly because of the…………crammed within. Instead (or however, or a better word you can think of), you observe (gaze upon, etc.) a lamprey-like…….” 

“Then it” 3rd

-It then

“try not to think about it the more” 3rd

-about it, the more

“distorts in your mind coming” 3rd

-mind, coming

“over you; face so close” '''4th '''

-over you, its face so close

“Now it's too late to open your eyes, the terror having taken full hold, and you do the only thing you can think to do.” '''4th '''

''-…eyes, the terror has taken full hold. You resort to the only thing you can think of.''

“Wait though; the blanket just moved a little down by your feet.” 4th

''-You change your mind, however, when the covers move a little down by your feet. (or just replace the “wait though” and semicolon, that’s the biggest problem with this sentence)''

“So it wasn't on the bed at all” '''4th '''

-get rid of “So”

“fail miserably; letting it know” '''4th '''

''-miserably, letting ''

“Outside of the above I can’t really claim to understand much about how the human mind works so I really need to ask one thing” 6th

''-Isolate “I can’t really claim to understand how the human mind works” with commas. ''

I’m sure I missed some grammar and other types of mistakes, but I went over it several times and this is what I found. Also, there are already stories on the wiki titled Eyes in the Dark/Darkness. If I were you, I'd break the paragraphs up just a bit more, but the pasta has greatly improved since the first draft.

I’m sorry I took so long to get back to you, I was gone.