Talk:These Lonely Roads/@comment-25941663-20170829134646

A nice little story. Not great, but it was good enough. There were a couple mistakes in there (mainly in dialogue) that I fixed. The main issue with the story is that it's a bit cheesy. Especially the first monologue to the reader ("I'm that evil sinister thing you hide from under your blanket every night...") is a bit immersion breaking. The second time around it was bearable, but I would advise against trying to "talk" to the reader in the middle of a story since it rarely works.

Apart from that, you built a creepy atmosphere. If you keep practising, you have potential.