Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190515084101/@comment-9041013-20190515235043

Please don't get upset at me, Doctor.

This was probably the second weakest entry I've read so far, from someone of your calliber I expect more than this. A lot of this makes me feel like you couldn't come up with any content that satisfied your ideal and you just opted to put in lyrics, mention Milan by his username as a mentioned in-story character and make the catalyst a reference to the contest.

I don't know what was the inspiration behind the song other than the Nuclear Holocaust scare that was rampant throughout the Cold War period. Your current piece is somewhat of a stretch, especially for a horror piece.

Im not one of the judges but honestly, I'd rewrite the whole thing into a scene from a post nuclear holocaust dystopian world. Moreso, since you've mentioned 1984 and Animal Farm, I'd suggest making it a scene akin to the Two Minute Hate. Make it almost propagandistic against Nuclear energy. Fill it with emotion and emotional darkness. You should be familiar with this sort of setting given you've written Damnation 101.

Make us live that fear of a nuclear danger through imagery and description of what a nuclear war looks like. I want to feel like I'm reading a docu on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, or perhaps the Hisashi Ouchi case. Given that your song theme is revolving around well, a dystopian world following a nuclear event.

Now that I mention the song, I think all contestants should in one way or another involve metal music in their entries; be it through mentioning rock and metal like Nova did or giving us descriptions of scenes where said music is detailed in the form of what it sounds like to the characters or its components.

I hope this can help you, doctor.