Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36070549-20190530005143/@comment-36070549-20190602225211

BloodySpghetti wrote: Ugh, I feel like this is all over the place.

A haunted game that turns out to be just a person's insanity driven dellusion is nice change. I'll give you that.

The rest reads like every bad gaming pasta and a bit of Jeff the water spiller. It's just so cringey when teenagers kill adults in a very complexed and almost supernatural way. Yeah a hallucinating or having some sort of delusion might possibly kill people, sure, but it would be something more mundane and probably sloppy. The Slenderman stabbing girls were caught pretty quickly because they couldn't even kill the girl properly (which is good.)

Maybe reduce the supernatual-feeling parts and make it more about how the guy is depressed, suffering, having whatever mental condition which driving him into dark places (Michael I mean) and then have that reveal that someone else also ended up fucking up his life.

There's this thing were people are actually getting madness by being close to someone who actually has a perception altering condition. I forgot the name.

So like, maybe Michael was having all these weird notions and delusions and his friend sunk too deep into that and ended up shooting his parents or something.

Also, the font made it incredibly unbearable for my eyes. Understood, I will work on his character and lessen the supernatural parts to make it more realistic, and even make it like it might have been the problems in his life that is the cause of his insanity, instead of what the audience thinks that it is just supernatural. I will also work on fixing the font since the bold on every dairy entree was a horrible mistake on my part, and I will make it more better to the eyes. I might remove Shelly or change her character if need be, and might replace it with them dying of natural causes, like a sickness or old age, and add more character to Austin. Plus the "Nerf gun appears out of nowhere" should've been his brother saving up money for Austin, but I will see on what I should do with that Christmas scene.

Thank you for helping me on this and I am willing to work with you in the future if possible.