Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25157377-20140725054112/@comment-25148755-20140725221508

Not a bad haunted carnival story. Grammatically everything looked good. Overall plot was solid enough. The setup at the beginning was ok,although a lot of it felt unnecessary. You could almost start the story off with her finding the park and fill in necessary details (like she liked to explore) as you go. The mirror was about as clichéd as it comes but done well enough to be effective. The scene with the horse was particularly effective for some reason. Not so much the scene with the old man and dog...it felt out of place, possibly because he doesn't escort her off the fair grounds (although since I guess he might be a ghost it's possible he can't?) The maze scene was also well done. The ending was pretty standard. If I had one criticism it's that the flow was a little off, mostly because each individual episode was self contained...something happened and was resolved, something else happened and was resolved, something else happened and she died. One thing didn't really lead to another...I'd be curious to see if you could do anything with that. Overall, nice work 7/10