Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4332089-20160808142418/@comment-28266772-20160808161052

I was being [<-delete ‘being’] bored after watching the first Fast and Furious film. It was still awesome to me, because I didn’t watch [hadn’t watched] it a lot of times. A [An] hour later, [there were] still no good films on. There was one [contradicts the last line], but it finished after some minutes before the credits [what?]. It was time to turn off the TV then.

Before going to sleep, I heard something downstairs. I raced down the stairwell. Into the living room, [I raced down the stairwell, into the living room.] I saw the TV on with static '[your English is all over the place. Do you mean ‘I saw the TV was on with nothing but static’?]'. I have a strong habit of remembering nearly everything [what’s this got to do with anything?]; I didn’t open [open what?] it, but an intruder did. '[so you’re pretty sure you didn’t leave it on, so you think an intruder did it? Try to word things in a simpler, more clear, way]'

Grabbing a knife from a cupboard and then a cordless phone [Grabbing a knife, and a cordless phone, from a cupboard – ‘then’ is the worst word ever, don’t use it more than once in a single story.], I softly shouted [Oxymoron – can you really ‘softly shout’?], [new speaker new line] “Who’s there!” No answer. I shouted, “Who’s there!” again. Yet no answer. Still holding the knife in my left hand, I opened '[eh? You ‘switched on’ the lights. No one ‘opens’ lights] 'the lights to search for them. The remote was on the floor away from the large HD TV. “What intruder would do with TV?” [awkward wording] I thought, moving away from the intruder conject-ion. [conject-ion makes no damn sense] 

All in a moment, the TV flashed to view [replace ‘to view’ with ‘and showed’] a white screen with white noise.

While being [delete ‘being’] occupied by the white noise, distorted waves of much “o”s and some “ah”s were instantly [delete ‘instantly’] escaping from the speakers [this sentence has no subject]. They caused me to fear [to be scared]: It was their voice that made me felt that scared: High-pitch sounds not that high slightly changing range  brought out by the waves were the voice [none of this makes any sense and you can’t use colons like this]. Each wave ended abruptly and then waited for an unpredictable span of seconds [awkward wording]. Then the sounds stopped playing and the TV screen turned to black.

I heard a distorted voice of a young male teenager saying this [get rid of ‘this’], [each time a new person speaks it must be on a new line] “No.” Screams of a teenager broke through the audio. These screams sounded a lot like the voice in the beginning. The transmission ended and there was static. '[there are much simpler ways to say these things. Someone shouted no, then they started screaming. That’s all that is needed.]'

I was thinking about the purpose and meaning about [replace ‘about’ with ‘of’] that broadcasting [broadcast], but my head was filled with fright and wonder about this very unusual broadcasting [don’t repeat words in the same sentence]. I was also weary that time. [I was also weary at the time]

Ten minutes [later], [and] I went to sleep with less fright [less scared, not ‘with less fright’]. No time to delve into that thought.

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So the fundamental problem with your story is that you can’t write in English fluently. I don’t want to be an asshole, and I’m willing to help however I can, but your English literacy is way below what’s necessary for creative writing. You need to improve your linguistic skills, read all the advice guides on this wikia and all the blogs on how to construct a sentence, and then you need to read a metric tonne of books and stories to build up a functional understanding of the language.

There's no easy way to say this, but what you've written here borders on incomprehensible. You need years of practice and education to improve.

