Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25379190-20141011000754/@comment-25226524-20141011005523

I wanna' start off by saying that this can be salvaged. Your build up was actually pretty decent, but the ending just doesn't work. It's far too vague to be creepy, and I think you could do much better from the looks of the rest of the story. It feels like you started writing a pretty decent story, and then forced in an ending because you gave up.

There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing too distracting. I feel like you may need to practice on your descriptive work a bit, but you did do a good job at building tension. I think if you take some time to come up with a proper ending, this story could be good, just don't rush. I know how it is to just want it to be finished, but if the ideas aren't there, you just have to give them time. Do some daydreaming, put yourself into the scene and try to imagine what the most terrifying outcome would be. Make sure to describe a little of what you're feeling as it happens to you as well. You don't have to go overboard with telling us every little thing, but show us enough to draw us in and make us feel like we're there. I know this isn't easy to do, but you'll get it with a little practice. You're off to a good start.

All in all, I think you have something that could be turned into a nice story. Rework it a bit, read it out-loud a couple times to see if there's anything that doesn't sound quite right, and definitely put some effort into coming up with an impactful ending. I can see some talent in there, it just needs to be honed. If you put in a little extra effort to make this story work, it will be easier the next time you write. Keep working at it. Good luck.