Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160707143147/@comment-24101790-20160710022154

Starting with the mechanical issues first and moving on to the story issues later. There aren't too many mechanical issues, which is refreshing, but there are still a couple.

"The morning sun gleamed in the welcome sign, upon which I grinned with a sudden feeling of excitement." This line feels a bit awkward to me. Reading it aloud (as I do with most stories I'm reviewing), it feels like it could be revised to flow a bit better.

"I was (am) a brilliant zoologist, and had studied animals of all kinds throughout my schooling and adult life. I had (have) a soft spot for animals, unlike other serial killers who get a kick out of murdering the neighbours’ puppy." The soft spot is still an ongoing thing. The protagonist still likes animals (which is why he attempts to avenge cruelty against them) so the tensing should reflect it. He is currently still a zoologist (having earned that degree) and he still likes animals.

"its venom is not as fast acting" I think fast-acting should be hyphenated and treated as a compound word.

Story issues: "I checked my time-schedule, written on the back of a McDonald's receipt I found in the garbage." I would revise this to a mental checklist rather than something written down. The killer is using venomous animals to kill people without a trace so it comes off odd that he would write something down which is pretty incriminating. ("3:30pm – Arrive at location & prepare / 4:00pm – Clift Family arrives home / 4:25pm – Son #1, Tyson, begins long distance running practice / 5:00pm – Tyson arrives at Kill-Site #1 (creek) / 6:00pm – Son #2, Jack, arrives at Kill-Site #2 (motocross track) to train for Motocross Enduro / 7:00pm – Leave Clift farm" I think this might be more effective if they were reciting this information to themselves mentally or aloud rather than writing it on a piece of paper. It would also show his focus/determination (as apparent later in the story) to murder them as he has that information memorized.

The first kill might need some revision as it leaves quite a bit up to chance. "So during preparation I had moved a large log from the top of the creek to the bottom, right on the path of Tyson’s cross-country." The second kill is a lot more guaranteed ("All I needed were roughly thirty seconds to place the spiders into his helmet and right hand glove, then pull the fuel line out of the tap, causing it to empty what little was left of the tank.") as the spider is in their gear, but the first one feels problematic/open to chance. What would happen if he jumped the log or simply run off the path and around it? What's keeping the snake around/under the log during all this time? He sets everything up at 4:00 so there's an hour where the snake might try to find another location and the protagonist can't really stick around close to it to keep it in that area without being noticed. You might need to revise the M.O. of the first one to make it feel a little more controlled and certain.

I enjoyed that you use animals native to the area to make the murders seem like accidents, but I would try to work in the location somewhere (beyond mentioning Kedalup as that doesn't necessarily turn up much in a google search) into the story itself so people don't incorrectly assume he's using these exotic animals in an area where their presence would be noticed. I would revise some of the mechanical issues and the story problems and I can see this being up to quality standards and a worthy entry in Whitix's contest.