Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26007649-20150114224813/@comment-26007602-20150116060048

I'd love to give my full opinion, but I'm not entirely sure I follow what's going on here. From what it sounds like, the narrator's caught in a time loop of sorts? Is that it or am I off track? Regardless, here's my two cents anyways.

I think you need to elaborate a bit more on the part of the narrator. I get that in some cases, knowing the narrator isn't important. In this case however, it's hard to sympathize with him in such little time. I'd give more build up and subtle references to his "deja vu". Maybe start a bit earlier in the day? Also, the writing style is a bit strange; I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be listening to the narrator's thoughts, but it seems odd that he would narrate his actions and appear to be talking to someone in the second person (such as when he asks the rhetorical questions in paragraph 2).

The whole aspect of the narrator being caught in a time loop isn't all that creepy either, which is why I think you should build up to it more. The ending was a bit predictable as well, but I don't think there's much to do about that.

There's also a fairly noticeable amount of spelling and grammatical errors, which I could go over, but I think it would be easier if you copy and pasted this into Word or something to catch the errors. Also, don't use all caps in the fifth paragraph, as it is unnecessary and detracts from the rest of the piece. The amount of ellipses as well may be a tad over done, but I can see that they are used for pauses, which works well enough if we are indeed hearing the thoughts of the narrator.

All in all, I think you should definitely fix the grammar errors and kind of lead us into the story a bit more while fleshing it out. I think I can see what you're going for, but it needs more work before the creepy element begins to shine through. Hope this is useful!