Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20161016161606/@comment-28266772-20161020131818

 As a teenager, I was a curious one, [I’m not sure you need all these commas] I wondered about everything and anything, [like in this instance I think you could substitute the comma for an ‘and’] usually after some snooping around I would find my answer, but there was one thing I could never understand. What was the worst way to die for a human being? I am pretty sure the easiest way to die would be in one’s sleep, but what was the worst one [repetition of ‘one’]? What was the most terrible death imaginable to man? I’ve read about one man who died in Italy from lack of sleep, that must’ve been a terrible fate. Was it the worst fate though?

 I asked everyone from friends to my parents, each time I got another answer, some said Tuberculosis or The Plague, and others said that death by burning was the worst. One of my teachers even said dying due to madness was the worst, back then I didn’t even think it was possible.

 Right now, I know for sure, you can die from madness.

 I even asked my Rabbi what he thinks about the worst way to die, he said that a man who is humiliated and stripped of his pride (referring to some sort of Judaic martyrdom) before death, regardless of the cause of death is the worst kind of death for a man. From a Jewish religious standpoint, I guess he is right, if a man is condemned to die and everything that represents him turns to the tool of his destruction that is horrid. The Rabbi’s answer, as wise as he was, did not satisfy me and the question, what is the worst death imaginable to humans, stood unresolved.

 Back in thirty-nine, the Germans conquered Poland, they were far more advanced than us, [once again this sentence is filled with unnecessary commas; I make this mistake all the time too, but just give it a read over and try to reduce the number] it’s a shame to admit but our once prosperous country was reduced to ruble [rubble] in three weeks. The way they were treating the local population was inhuman, they saw the Poles as nothing more than wild dirty animals that needed to be shackled and later put down. As bad as it seemed, we had it far worse, the Gypsies and we. [last sentence doesn’t make a load of sense]

 They forced the whole Jewish population of Lodz and the whole [repetition of ‘whole’] area around it into a tiny square made up of two kilometers in each direction [that last clause ‘made up of…’ is clunky]. Almost half of the tiny cage we were shoved into had no buildings at all [same with this sentence here]. Can you imagine this?

 Back then, I couldn’t imagine this kind of scenario to live in too, as for right now, well that’s my home now and I guess I am fine with it. [this sentence is unclear and clunky; ‘to live in too’, ‘as for right now, well that’s my home now (repetition of ‘now’)] 

 The Germans forced us to wear this yellow badge on our clothes, and [we] were forbidden from leaving this new Ghetto they’ve [they’d; tense change] built for us. It was bad, but it was bearable. What became [delete ‘became’ replace with ‘was’] unbearable under the German occupation was the fact that we were put on rations, small food rations for each person living inside the ghetto [everything after the comma is redundant]. We were supposed to get around the [delete; ‘the’] eleven hundred calories a day, but even this tiny kind of intake never came.

 I was working at a textile factory as a nineteen year old. Every day at noon, we would get our lunch. A bowl of watery green soup with about four pieces of potato swimming in there, after drinking this so called soup we had to get back to work, it was a hard time. We were working the machines on low energy, but we tried forgetting the one thing that was on all of our minds, [no comma] with humor and other ways to lift our spirits.

 Hunger

 The hunger never [left] our minds, it never left our bodies. I recall people counting the pieces of potato they got in their bowls and every time there were less than four pieces, [no comma] people would ask the catering girls to put another piece of potato or two in their bowls. Usually they got the missing pieces back, but sometimes they did not.

 Hunger

 Everyone was affected by this, at a certain point my family and I, we managed to save a loaf of bread up to '[to? Doesn’t sound right. Do you mean ‘for’?]'eight days at a time, imagine this – a two-kilogram bread loaf shared between five people lasting up to eight days. My youngest brother, he had it the worst, so I would give him my piece for the next day, sometimes even the day after that. When those days came and I had no slices of bread left for myself, I would go outside pluck some grass and have my mother cook it for me with some salt.

 Hunger

 The lack of food drove us all mad, we started make believing [make believing feels weird and clunky; ‘imagine’ might be better] that whenever we were eating bread or some sort of usually uneaten vegetation it was something better [everything after ‘eating’ and before ‘it was’ is excessive and confusing], something like a herring or pierogi. We all started deceiving ourselves that bread and grass or potato peels were gourmet dishes.

 Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> I used to own a dog, a black Labrador retriever, named Cienmy, for his dark fur color. [double spacing] The dog died from starvation a few months into our introduction to the ghetto.

<p class="MsoNormal"> We made sausage out of him.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We did not care, not one bit that our faith forbade it, we didn’t even care what our Lord would do to us for this, honestly, it never even crossed our minds.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We were driven to the point of making food from the beloved family pet, and hell it tasted great at that point.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We cut this sausage into tiny slices and ate it with our bread, we’d sniff it like it had the most delightful odor in the world, We’d [we’d; capitalisation] sniff these tiny pieces of dog sausage as if they were Roses [roses; capitalisation] freshly picked from a fine garden.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We would take the sausage off the bread before taking a bite; we would save Cienmy for last.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> I found my own dog to have a great taste.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Around a year after the beginning of the rations, people had gone thin. People whom [who] I was used to seeing as fat and wide were now as thin as I was, everyone became thin [repetition]d and skeletal, and no one was spared the effects of starvation. Our bodies became weak and limp. I used to play football with my friends in the past, but by that point, I couldn’t stir up enough energy to take part in any kind of sportive activity. In addition, I’ve [I’d] become distant from everyone by that point. I’ve [I’d; tense change] become apathetic to everything and everyone around me.

<p class="MsoNormal"> We all became like this; cold, distant, not caring only seeking to fill our bellies somehow, bellies that by that point looked loose and bloated.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Do you see yourself dying from a cold? No?

<p class="MsoNormal"> Well, that’s what was happening here, once a person was starting to cough or sneeze, it was a matter of time until they’d just pass from this Hell to the afterlife, hopefully to The Most High’s graceful lap.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> Everyone had gone weak and sick.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We were all just shades of what we were a few years prior.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> We couldn’t walk, we were too weak and too scared. Once you fell, you couldn’t get up on your own.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> I saw people fall in the middle of the street and just lay there, hopeless, unable to move themselves upwards. Most did not even try to get up.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> People just passed the fallen and didn’t even take a glimpse at their direction. Most were too scared to do so in fear of falling themselves.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> The lack of vitamins and calcium caught up to me too, I felt my legs losing strength.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> I fell down today, unable to feel my legs, I did not even try to get up, I just looked up at the sky. The sky is [was] beautiful. Full of shades of blue and white, clouds forming all these lovely shapes, the sun shines as it always did, unaware of the hell beneath its gleaming light.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hunger would not leave my mind, not even as I lay down here, in the middle of the road.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Well at last, I’ve my answer.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Oh God, My [my] chest feels like it is being crushed from both sides, for the first time in three years a feeling has overshadowed my constant hunger. Thank God…

<p class="MsoNormal"> Even if it is this terrible pain… thank God, I am feeling something other than hunger!

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hahahaha, It’s so good to feel something other than hunger for once…

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hahahahaha… and I’ve also….

<p class="MsoNormal"> Hahahahahaha…

<p class="MsoNormal"> Found what is the worst way to…

<p class="MsoNormal"> -

<p class="MsoNormal"> Mechanical issues – a fair few, the worst of which are clunky sentences, excessive comma use, missing words, and tense changes. Tense changes are particularly bad; try to read through and keep it consistent.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Style issues – Personally I didn’t mind the repetition but I know most people find it irritating. It might be worth you removing the constant references to ‘hunger’ or, at least, taking some out so it’s not as constant. Other than that I thought sometimes your language was a bit weak and awkward; it didn’t always make any sense. And certain word choices felt weird and inconsistent (like ‘make believing’). Also at the end, the laughter was a bit weird and didn’t suit it.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Plot issues – Beyond all the issues mentioned above I actually really liked this story. Maybe it’s just me, but I thought that despite all its weaknesses it came together to work. It was unsettling and a lot of the descriptions worked and the actual core plotline was interesting, compelling, and genuinely frightening. I just think you need to improve some of the word choices, fix the mechanical errors, and maybe reconsider changing how the story is told. I think this would work better as a story being written by someone about to die, with that made clear from the start. At times it isn’t always clear when this is being written or set; it took me a while to realise the narrator was a Jewish person alive in Poland during the occupation rather than just a random person telling us about that period in history from some point in the future. Either way; as it is it’s pretty much already a letter, I just think it would benefit from some revisions that make things clearer from the start and which don’t do the whole ‘hahahaha’ business at the end.