Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20181110015549/@comment-9041013-20181110193448

It's a Turkey! AAAAH! I'm shocked!

Okay, all jokes aside, telling me that it's a bird after said bird had been scalded alive from its first-person perspective is kind of a big no-no. (Especially with your insistence on maintaining suspension of disbelief). Sure you could tell the story from a Turkey's point of view until it dies and ends the story there.

There is a vulgar term for urine; it's "piss". So it's more appropriate if you use "piss and shit" or avoid using "shit".

You've missed the stage of stunning, during which many birds do not get stunned because they're panicked and twitching around.

To be honest, the biggest problem with this story is that I couldn't care enough to be invested, it simply does not have the proper atmosphere. You are telling me throughout the story "It's not a human, please don't think it's a human!". Let me believe that it's a human, let me think it's simply a slaughterhouse for humans for the whole story. (You can, for example, try to use a scenario where the story comes off as people in death camps waiting to be killed off). Regardless of what you do with it, if you end up looking a way to improve on the atmosphere and believability of this thing, I suggest you read up on stories of Holocaust survivors who could tell you what it's like to be a human slaughterhouse. Eventually, drop a big fat hint that this thing is actually a bird.

Also, the forced dramatic monologue towards the end is the worst. "Why did this happen? *ponders about life for a moment* WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN? *bursts into song* "What's the meaning of Stonehenge..." Don't mind the over exaggeration I've used, I'm just being dramatic there. I don't see the point of this pondering in the middle of an existential crisis which is very real and caused by a very real life-threatening situation. Could instead include a bit about how it hurt losing the bird's friends.

This could possibly work, but not in its current form.