Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180813062343/@comment-9041013-20180813122648

Alright, I like the Crowley like demon here, but this is, not the hell I'd expect from a good Christian as yourself. I get the point of recruiting wicked souls to the army of the king of this world. However, the word "wicked" in the phrase is a key word. Demons in Christianity are either wicked souls who torment the living, fallen Angels who followed The Morningstar when he revolted. The Watchers, who are too damn good for a Creepypasta it seems, as nobody used them to this day, or the Nephilim.

If this isn't clear yet, I'm probably going to use of terms straight of the Theocratic themata here.

You are going with the wicked souls of men, who are these wicked? What makes them such? Would be better if you either mentioned how these are the souls of people who deserved damnation or even better, just souls that were snatched to hell and  given a slight taste, or rather, a harmless tour through the halls of Tartaros just to convince them which path is better when you find yourself in the Abyss. Maybe even throw in a line about how someone didn't want to burn in an eternal pit of flaming feces (Oh, that's something out of the Jewish scriptures... flaming feces...) at the end of days and ended up being thrown into a tiny and fun hell hole below. Remember, Hell doesn't play fair.

Now on top of that, considering that Lucifer is basically regarded as God's favorite and an angel powerful enough to sway a third of the host to rebel, wouldn't calling him "our lord and master" be not enough of a grovel? I know it's very nitpicky, but we're talking about The Deciever here, The Lord of Lies, the Big Evil (and probably the only thing in Christian lore that has as many names as God himself). Something more groveling would be appreciate when mentioning him.

On the topic of Masters and Lucifer, according to Dante, he's stuck in a lack of his own tears which is constantly refilled and frozen by the flapping of his wings. Even if you chose to go with the path of him being rather free in his domain. I'll have you know that the Pope once forced the Holy Roman Emperor, the most powerful sovereign of Europe at the time to wait in the frozen Alps for a several days. My point is, you don't go straight for the King. Have some other high ranking famous demon be in charge of the small pawns. You've 72 of them.

Now onto the subject of the lesson in your story itself, As a doctor, wouldn't Matt get himself checked once he hears voices? Unless they are metaphorical... and then again, as a doctor who suffered with addiction and potential "miracle working" at his disposal, while living in 21th century California he could simply get Marijuana and end the whole story short. I know a guy who sufferes from PTSD due to him fighting in the Second Lebanese Israeli war and he smokes weed as a treatment for his disease and some weird tobacco made out of harmless plants for the sake of smoking to minimize the risks of regular smoking. Why wouldn't a doctor do that? Oh yeah, because he is a hopeless addict for the sake of a story. Don't you always seek realism in what you read? Sure, addictions may have a relapse, but come on. It's just so pointless.

Also, on the same issue, why would a man who diagnosed himself with a terminal illness try to well, consume himself to death? Again, weed solves these issues but kills the story. So maybe stick to simply him being an Alcoholic and mention a breakdown or something to make the relapse make sense post his self diagnosis.

Also, the last part about the Mara Salvatrucha is needless at best, could instead say this is him being in custody of the police at a local station, for the time being alone. How do you make sure he stays and dies alone? speed up the ending of his life, a second breakdown and a suicide via hanging.

Nice idea, but needs a wee bit of work in my book.

There also seems to be an issue with the format, qoute boxes show up here and there.