Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27029037-20151001064415/@comment-24101790-20151001114856

Wording issues: Tense shift from past tense to present. "Well it was night and the lamp posts barely light (lit) up the park."

Punctuation issues: "Well there was some sort of groaning noise." Punctuation missing from listed items (See below)

Capitalization issues: if you use an ellipse, you don't need to capitalize the next word unless it's a proper noun or the beginning of a new sentence. "A man... White face... Black eyes... Holding a... Cleaver."

Story issues: there needs to be a lot more description here: "face: pure white, black eyes with red rings and a mouth which looked like one of those ventriloquist dolls." is very generic and sounds like a Jeff the Killer knockoff. Additionally the lack of build-up robs the story of any emotional impact you were looking for. "Them (Then) he pulled out a cleaver and without any emotion or noise, chopped my friend to BITS.". "I thought nothing of it as it didn't bother me (despite the fact that my friend had been butchered in front of me.) until I heard the description"

Story issues cont.: What news report gives this information (or lack thereof)?

"Origin: unknown(.) Alias: unknown(.) Body count: unknown(.) Last known location: un... known(.)" Additionally why the stammer/pause? The narrator is recounting the story, so why would they throw in that pause? It doesn't denote a dramatic moment or indicate the omission of words. I'm sorry but this really needs a lot of fleshing out and doesn't make much sense or explain the plot well.

Finally it is against site rules to have multiple accounts. Your old one has been blocked and if you create another, you will be given a one month ban.