Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25226524-20140820224028

Lost Within

I awake in a forest. It's dawn. A slight breeze is blowing, rustling the leaves, some of the fallen dance through the air like dead children at play. Their tune is the only sound I can hear. I look all around me, just trees. Massive, ancient, centuries old at least.

So far I've felt nothing but confusion, then I see them, my wife and daughter. In my mind, I picture their faces. Angela, who recently turned nine, her mother's eyes beaming from her head, smiling at me. My wife Lilly, with the the look of love that she always has when she looks at me or our child.

Panic sets in. Where are they? How did I get here? I begin to yell their names. I listen...nothing. I yell until my throat is raw, and my voice is cracking. Why would they be out here with me? Why am I out here?

The sun is visible now. I walk in its direction so I don't walk in circles. I will walk till I reach a road, then follow it. I run at first, then jog, stop... bending over resting my hands on my knees. I'm in terrible shape. I decide just to walk.

I walk for hours, the sun is straight above now. I can no longer follow it. I've screamed their names till my voice is nothing more than a faint screech. The wind surely drowns it out.

Why can't I remember anything recently; yesterday, last week, last month? I can remember things; my family, friends, birthdays, Christmases. I can't remember if any of them were yesterday or years ago.

I see a stream in the valley below me, small and gentle. I run down the hill and bury my face in the few inches of water. By now my throat feels like an open wound, and my mouth full of ash.

I drink till I can't hold anymore, then I rest on a small log a few feet back from the life giving flow. Why am I wearing a hospital gown? Is this a dream? I pinch myself. It's a nightmare, but no, I'm not asleep. Have I been in an asylum? Not possible. Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one left. Perhaps that's it; lunacy has taken over, now I'm the minority.

No, this is something else.

The sun has shifted to one side, starting its decline. I walk upstream. I will walk till I find its source, perhaps people will be there, maybe fishermen. I find its source. Less than fifty yards from where I discovered the stream.

It springs from the ground magically like a butterfly from its cocoon. I want to cry, I don't. I picture my girls, and decide to move on. I drink my fill and head up the hill past the spring.

I break branches of small saplings as I go in case I need to find my way back to the safety of the stream. I break dozens of twigs, hundreds. Nothing. Only silence.

Strangely, I note there are no birds chirping, no planes roaring miles overhead. Just the whispers of the trees as they gossip about this intruder. I feel hopeless. My throat has regained a small amount of strength, so I yell my girls' names. Only the trees answer.

The sun is now setting, and nothing is in sight. My throat is dry and raw once again. I head back to my comforting little fluid friend. I lose my trail more than once, but continue to find my way back.

The sun is gone now, only afterglow, still enough to see the broken limbs. I have to move much slower now. I'm missing the markers more often. I lose them completely. I begin to see stars, it's dark.

My mouth is so parched I consider looking for a stone to suck on. I saw this technique in an old western once, don't know if it really helps. It doesn't matter, I can't feel any stones. As the darkness closes in I feel claustrophobia seizing my lungs.

I slap myself before I hyperventilate. It does the trick. I hear a trickling, I run towards it. It gets softer. I creep towards it. I see the stars reflecting in it. I rush to it and bury my face in it just as before. The heavenly liquid feels to my throat like novocaine to an abscessed tooth. I breathe a deep sigh of relief. It's short lived.

I'm alone in the woods, it's dark, and I have no idea where my family is, if they're safe. I splash some water on my face. Calm down. Be a man. I laugh, what does that even mean?

My father once told me when I was young, we were hiking, if you ever get lost, always remain calm. Panic only adds to the problem and causes you to use more energy. Ha, easy for him to say, I doubt he's ever been in a situation quite like this. I hope he hasn't. It's hell.

He's right though, panic only makes things worse. I try to steel myself. I lay back on the dry leaves, crushing them under my weight. I feel no remorse. They're dead anyway.

I stare up at the stars. They're so far away, we can never reach them. They remind me of my girls. My eyes tear up. I stare deeper. Billions of years away. Many of them I see are already dead, burned out millions of years ago, but their imprint still remains. Like dead presidents on money, long gone, but in a way, they'll never die. Depression hits me like a brick.

What imprint have I made? None. Absolutely nothing. A grave marker will be all that's left of me. Wrong. I see her face, her beautiful face smiling at me. She's my imprint. She's my mark on the world, my page in the book of history.

My little girl, who looks just like her mother, smiles at me with her missing front tooth. I laugh a little, then cry. I have to get back to them. I will not die out here. I catch myself dozing, I don't fight it. I drift off, then awake to the soft glow of the morning sun.

It felt as if only seconds passed, I recall no dreams. I'm thankful it's summer, otherwise I would have frozen to death in nothing but this paper thin gown. I look ridiculous. I notice there are holes in the bottom of the silly little booties I have for shoes, my feet don't hurt though.

I stand up, stretch, dust the leaves off. My throat is dry and sore. I creep over to the stream and splash cool morning water on my face, and drink. I sit back on my log to gather my thoughts. No use in yelling now. It's so quiet I could hear someone walking hundreds of yards away. It's dead silent.

I notice again there are no birds chirping, no chipmunks rustling through leaves looking for acorns. I find this extremely unsettling. The only sound is the slight trickling of my little stream. I lean over it to look at my reflection, nothing new, not even any stubble.

I rub my cheeks, how is that possible? Perhaps it's from lack of eating, my system has slowed down. I'm not hungry. I find this even stranger. Maybe I'm in shock or something.

I follow the broken twigs from the day before. When I reach the last one I begin snapping again. Sometimes the distance between the small trees is greater than others, too great. This concerns me so I break one of the limbs into small sections and begin sticking them in the dirt. I hope the wind doesn't cover them up with leaves.

My throat is on fire, the sun shows it's barely noon. I realize I have a big problem. I've only walked for a few hours and I feel like I can go no more. I rest. If I go much further I may not make it back to my trickling friend. I consider trying to squeeze some water from the dirt, the smell makes me think otherwise. The soil is rich, no wonder the trees are so overwhelming.

I miss my friend, I head back to him. I find my way back easier this time. I quench my painful thirst once more. I rest on my log and notice the little hospital slippers are almost destroyed. My feet have some small cuts on them, I wash them off in the stream. The cool water feels good on them, none of the cuts are too deep.

Why am I here? This makes no sense, why can't I remember anything? Maybe I was in an accident and wondered out of the hospital. How did I get this far out in the middle of nowhere? I realize it's been two days now, and a cold chill of dread rushes over my body...what if I never get out? Will my wife and daughter just go on without me? Not right away, they love me too much.

I lay in the same spot as the night before beside my log. The leaves don't make as much noise tonight. Tomorrow I'll look for some food on my journey. I realize then, that I'm still not hungry. How is this possible? My stomach isn't even growling. I brush it off and stare up at the night sky.

Not a cloud in sight through the limbs of my sheltering giants. I'm glad it's not raining. Will my stream dry up? No, I've heard these springs come from deep under ground, it will last longer than I do.

I look into endless space above the tree tops, I wish I could fly. I want to fly out to where those countless stars dwell, feel their warmth. I want the warmth of my girls. I hope they're safe, I can't bare the thought of them being out there somewhere needing my help, my protection.

I feel helpless. My wife is a strong woman, she'll take good care of our little girl. I take a deep breath as a single tear slides down my dry cheek. Keep it together, you'll get out of here.

I notice again, dead silence. No crickets chirping, or frogs croaking. Nothing. Almost. My breathing and my stream is all I have for company. I let out a yell to break the silence. No echo, just silence again.

I close my eyes and then awake to the same faint light of the morning sun. I wonder if I'm going insane, I know I just closed my eyes for a second. Sleep does funny things to the mind I tell myself. My throat feels like it's full of tree bark so I slowly step to my friend and drink.

I decide today I will take another direction. I know now I cannot make it any further the direction I was headed, and still there was nothing. I decide I will start traveling at angles from my base, altering ten degrees each day. If I complete the circle I'll know there's no hope unless I'm discovered.

What if they're not looking for me? Maybe they've called off the search. Perhaps no one cares, and they haven't even been looking. My wife is an attractive woman, she could have a new man in no time.

No, she wouldn't do that. We've been in love since we were teenagers. I remember the first day I saw her, my freshman year of high school. She was a transfer, she'd moved here because her father had been stationed in the base near by. She was in my science class.

I remember the butterflies in my stomach the first time she made eye contact with me, she caught me staring at her and smiled. I didn't have the nerve to talk to her.

Eventually we had to do an assignment together, and it was all down hill from there. I miss her so much. I miss my daughter, I would give anything to hold her right now. She's probably wondering why her daddy's gone, why he'd abandoned her. The thought makes me sick.

My day's journey was fruitless. As was the next. All thirty-six of them. The circle was complete, I was a citizen of these woods now. My feet have toughened, covered in calluses.

Still no rain, but my friend still runs fresh and clean. He disappears back under the ground about a mile down, I found that out a couple weeks ago. I'm still not hungry, and my face is still smooth.

I begin to wonder if this really is a dream. How am I still alive when I haven't eaten in over a month? Although my stomach doesn't growl, my throat seems to be unquenchable. No matter how much I drink it won't quit burning, itching. What if this is hell?

I decide to move to the other end of the stream and search at angles from that direction.

Nothing. On this end I don't have a log to snuggle up against, it doesn't matter. The log was dead, just like me.

I lay staring up as usual, nothingness, everything, the universe. I've left my mark, my daughter. At least my life wasn't a complete waste. The image of her smiling face gives me peace, but also longing.

At least I'll see her again in heaven I tell myself. That gets me through. I hear a faint sound, a beeping. I'm saved! They've come to rescue me!

I look all around and see nothing. I still hear beeping, louder now. I close my eyes to focus in on it. It gets louder. My throat is killing me.

I open my eyes to find my stream... and I see a television.

I'm dreaming. I haven't dreamed since I've been in this place, why now? I look around, a heart rate monitor is beeping to my left and an iv is taped to my left hand. I try to yell out, but my throat is blocked.

A feeding tube has been inserted in my mouth. I'm in a hospital. I slowly peel the tape and pull the iv out of my hand. I have to get this thing out of my throat. I grip the tube and begin pulling. I've never experience anything so painful. It feels like it's attached itself to my insides.

I rip it out and am overwhelmed by fire inside of me. I cough uncontrollably and vomit over the side of my bed. I look for water, I can't take this pain. The beeping on my monitor speeds up and a nurse comes running in. She freezes and runs back out to yell for a doctor.

I try to tell her all I want is some water, but I can't speak. I try to get up to go to the bathroom sink and realize my legs won't cooperate. They're dead. I drag myself off the bed and slam to the floor, landing on my shoulder. The pain is bad but nothing like the pain inside of me. This is not a dream.

As I crawl towards the bathroom the nurse runs in with a doctor and they grab me, stab a needle in my shoulder, and tell me to calm down. I feel very relaxed.

I'm in my bed, it's morning. The doctor is standing over my bed, he doesn't look happy. He says I gave them quite a scare last night. I don't care.

He says he's glad that I'm back with the living. So am I, I think. I want to ask where my girls are but it's too painful, I motion for a pen and paper. I write down my question, he takes off his glasses. This can't be good.

He says he's sorry to tell me but my family didn't make it. Head on collision with an eighteen wheeler he says. It was instant, they didn't suffer. The driver fell asleep after being up for seventy six hours. Yeah, that'll do it.

I weep like a child, but don't make a sound. They're safe now, in heaven I tell myself. This doesn't help.

He tells me that there's more bad news. Like I care.

He tells me I'm paralyzed from the waist down, my spine was severed in the accident. It's a miracle I'm alive he says, been in a coma for three days. I write that he should have let me die. He says that's not what they do here.

Of course they don't, they keep you here in hell. He says it will get easier with time, he's a liar. He tells me I'll have to stay here for another month. I laugh, in my head. I nod, and he leaves.

I'd already noticed I was on a very high floor, at least twenty stories up from the looks of the buildings out my window. I won't need a month doc.

I wait till night when the staff is groggy and running on fumes. I'm going to see my girls.

I ease myself off the bed, I still hit hard. I wait... nothing. I drag my body across the floor, pulling my heart rate monitor behind me. There's a chair under the window, I lift my torso onto it, then grab the top of it to pull up my lifeless lower half.

It's an awkward position, but I hold on long enough to unlock the window and slide it open. I slide down into the chair to rest and watch the door. Still no sign of the nurse.

My monitor is beeping a little faster now, but apparently not too fast. I pull myself back up towards the window and drape my body across its ledge. This should do the trick, it's not the twenty stories I had thought, more like eight.

As I stare down at my death, I close my eyes and see my girls, they're smiling, telling me how much they've missed me. There's no struggle, I slip past the edge, hear the wind roar in my ears.

I'm back in the woods. This can't be happening. Is this heaven? Perhaps purgatory. I run just like before, yelling for my girls. My throat doesn't hurt anymore. I see two figures ahead, about fifty yards. I'm frozen, it's my wife and Angela.

They're just staring. I move closer. They don't look as happy as I am. Closer.

They're crying. I try to run up to them, to hug them and tell them everything is going to be ok. Something stops me, just a few feet short, an invisible barrier.

Angela reaches out to her daddy, she's screaming for me. I beat on the supernatural wall.

This is not a dream.

My wife whispers something to Angela through her tears, and she shakes her head viciously. I can read her lips, she's screaming, "NO NO NO NO!" My wife walks towards me and presses her hand up to the ghostly partition, I place my hand where hers is.

She looks so disappointed. She has to drag Angela away kicking and screaming, she wants her daddy. A bright light begins to glow in front of them, and they walk into it. I'm all alone.

This is it for me, this is my punishment.

As I fall to the ground sobbing, a great roar grows in the distance. The trees begin to rock to and fro, and limbs begin to fall.

The roar becomes deafening, but I can't feel the wind. The trees begin to topple over one by one, they don't make a sound. The fallen protectors begin to blow past me along the ground, until there isn't a leaf in sight, just dirt.

The dirt begins to erode from the fierce wind. It fades beneath my feet. The roar stops.

Blackness.

This is what I always imagined it was like outside of the known universe. Void. Silence.

I begin falling suddenly. Faster and faster as I reach terminal velocity. This must be what sky diving is like. I begin to sweat profusely. The air rushing over me keeps me dry though.

My skin begins to feel very warm on my back, must be the friction from the air molecules rushing over me. I keep rushing downward with my back towards the ground. I smell something unpleasant, burnt hair.

I wonder if I will ever land. Still complete darkness. I hear a faint noise below me. I can't make it out, a light roar.

The skin on my back feels extremely sunburned, like the time I fell asleep on the beach while Lilly and Angela were at a Disney show. That was a great vacation up until that point. I had to sleep on my stomach for a week after that.

The roar is getting louder now, and the darkness is fading a bit. I miss my girls so much, but I'm glad they're not with me right now. This is no joy ride. Is this just another dream? I've been having trouble distinguishing between true and false recently. Perhaps I'm in another coma. I bet that's it.

The noise is clearer now, it's screaming. The blackness has been replaced with an orange glow. My skin begins to blister.

Up to this point I had refused to look down, I'm terrified of heights, but I have to look now. I twist my head as far as I can. I hit the flames.

As the pain sinks in, my scream is added to the Devil's chorus. I cry as my flesh begins to melt away, in unison with the countless others. My throat is on fire, the fire's inside of me! I'm disoriented, the agony is indescribable.

Over the cries of suffering I can hear another noise. It's cheering.

I look up through the fire and realize I'm in a stadium, it's the size of a small city. Lucifer's Colosseum.

The bleachers, rising up towards the blackness, are as tall as skyscrapers. They're filled with jubilant demons, and they roar with laughter.

They point at us, mockingly. They spit on us through their fangs. This is their entertainment, watching the new lost souls as they realize their fate, the terror in their eyes.

The humiliation, the fire, neither compare to the ultimate pain, the pain of separation. I know now I'll never see my girls again.

This time it's not a dream, this time it is hell. 