Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4127849-20140318012020/@comment-4832646-20140318205240

Noothgrush wrote: ImGonnaBeThatGuy wrote: I think the style hurts the piece. I'm not offended by stuff like "ponyfag" or anything, but after a few times it gets really old. So, does the swearing. I don't go on 4chan at all, so I don't know how accurate the style is. It definitely does feel like someone telling a story on a message board, so you did achieve that. But that doesn't make for a good story.

You've got about two and a quarter pages here. Only about three grafs actually contribute to the story. You spend a lot of time giving us a lot of set-up that doesn't really matter or contribute. The actual action of the story takes about one graf. And then it's over. It either needs more meat or you need to go deeper with what you have. Really get inside of it. Tell the story in detail instead of just summarizing. I agree with all of the above.

There's a lot of useless hyperbole, it seems like a lot of this is set up specifically so you can use words like ponyfag. And, frankly, stuff like this is the reason I stopped using 4Chan.

You have some decent ideas here, but the amount of shit I have to wade through to get to it is ridiculous. You set up and talk and talk and talk. It's tiring. A lot of this doesn't do much for the story. It's just there. Not only that, it seems there's a lot of description of the setting, but the only characters you delved into were the narrator and the "ponyfag". Also, I don't have a problem with swearing, but this was excessive. Excessive profanity tends to make the story take a hit.

Another thing was the slight lack of realism. Jellyfish stings, a large majority of the time, tend to be poisonous. Not to mention the repetitive redundancy of telling us over and over again about the counselors screaming at people.

As a plus, it's a good concept, but it needs more action content, a little more character development (at the very least, give "ponyfag" a name.) and a little less about the settings and situation (There's a little too much, it's halting progression of the story.)