Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25422233-20140916031016/@comment-25558572-20140916073359

Did someone say “critique”?

Okay, first off, you have a “Have you ever…” opening. So if the reader hasn’t ever heard of or wanted to do whatever you specified, what would be their reason to keep reading? It’s a very weak and clichéd way to open up a pasta.

“I wanted to visit my old teachers for some weird reason.” What weird reason is that? So you specify that you HAVE a reason, but don’t bother to say what it is?

The MC must not know what Google search is. Most schools have websites- didn’t he think to check his? Wikipedia? A list of elementary/high schools in his state/province? There’s more ways to find a place than Google Maps.

A school named “Greenfield Woods High” sounds a little generic.

“Then my curiosity got the best of me. I got out of my car and approached the school. I went to the door that leads to the front office and checked to see if it was open.”

Cut this out to just say, “I got out of my car and walked in the front door.” No need to include phrases or sentences that don’t advance the story.

“…of whom I was buddy buddy with.”

<span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">I assume this was a mistake. And why was the MC such good friends with the principal? Did he help out around the school with errands for her? Was he a model student? You need to provide some kind of explanation for details like this. A lot of students have pretty negative attitudes towards teachers and principals, in my thirteen years of experience.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">Don’t use words like “wanna” or “gonna/gunna” in stories unless it’s dialogue. You are writing a story, not delivering a monologue.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">You used “creek” instead of “crack” in the door.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">“As I moved along, I ended up at the performing arts stage, also where my AP Theatre teacher taught. Yes I had AP Theatre. I wasn't exactly the coolest kid there was. Anyway…”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">You have to avoid phrasing like this. Once again, you are writing this story, so it should read like something written, not spoken. And what if we don’t know what an AP theatre is?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">“What I read completely terrified me.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">Needless and glaringly revealing prefaces like this halt the story and make the reader cringe with their unoriginality. Avoid using anything to this effect.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">Never use all caps. Ever. This is why Italic text exists.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">If you’re writing a number, use the word form for anything not ridiculously large. “Ten” just looks much better than “10” unless you’re actually looking at something displaying that number, like a digital clock.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">So it all builds up to corpses? That’s it? I’ll add that if there’s that many corpses crammed in one room, the MC is bound to smell them long before he sees them.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">And now it’s all supposed to make sense? To whom? I’m more confused than ever. If I walked into a room full of corpses, then I certainly wouldn’t feel enlightened unless I happened to be looking for them or something.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">What is a man/whatever? Is that really a good way to describe the beings?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">I can already guess where this is leading. Torture, and either the death of the MC or some kind of escape. Not a good sign.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">The ending was so rushed and ridiculous it feels like you had a tight deadline to finish this. You include phrases like   “…but the police weren't happy to see that I had been running to my car butt naked for everyone to see my junk.” and “I then put my clothes on and drive back home. I didn't want to go to the hospital and explain how exactly I got 66 slashes on my leg, so I just put some rubbing alcohol and band aids to have the same effect.” for no real reason. This story is intended to be scary, so why would you include something like this if it wasn’t relevant to the story?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Constantia","serif"">Overall, this pasta seemed rushed, anticlimactic, and generic. The writing is better before the corpses come in, when it rapidly degrades until the ending. The MC was a flat and unintelligent character (why would he stay in a completely silent school for so long? Why did he even want to go there in there first place? A “weird reason” doesn’t cut it.), and the plot was clichéd and bland. The actual violence was blandly described and seemed to have no provocation, leaving the scare factor completely absent from this. Even if this was completely correct mechanically, it would still be deleted for being a dull and predictable pasta. Sorry to say, there are no real positives I can detail here, and as such I advise scrapping this idea and moving on.