Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26251513-20160522192554/@comment-26251513-20160523204444

Dr. Frank N. Furter wrote: Hello there SmileyShoes! (Nice name!) I'll start this review out by pointing out a few errors/problems currently in your story. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'll be talking about here:

"You will also require a doll, Any shape" should be "You will also require a doll, any shape"

"and chant these words three times, “Delictorum meorum non possum solvere”." should be "and chant these words three times, “Delictorum meorum non possum solvere.""

"If you try and grab it" should be "If you try to grab it"

"the doors will have the same number, 109, continue walking." should be "the doors will have the same number, "109." Continue walking."

"When you are in a room with 2 different doors, one of the doors say 200." should be "When you are in a room with 2 different doors, one of the doors will say "200.""

Alright, now I'm going to point out some things that I think should be changed for various reasons:

"First, you must need the blood of someone". You must need the blood of someone? I assume you meant to put something like "obtain" instead of "need".

"and if you do this ritual with the blood of someone you don't know, or hate. Well, let's just say you will have some misfortune." This should be one sentence. Also, what is this "misfortune"? Perhaps you could fills us in a bit, because as it stands this seems a little too vague to be creepy.

"Wait until it is 12:00." Twelve in the morning, right? You should specify the a.m. or p.m. part.

"the lights will shut on". This just may be me, but the term "shut on" doesn't sound right.

"The door or trapdoor will close behind you, you cannot open the door or trapdoor." The use of "door or trapdoor" twice here is redundant.

"Go through it, through the door is a shadow person." The use of "through" twice here is also redundant.

Okay, now let's talk about the pasta itself. I hope you'll forgive me for saying this, but the way it currently stands, this pasta just doesn't do too much for me. Many things here have been in other pastas (A doll, midnight, lights shutting off, a little girl's voice, having to keep your eyes closed or else you will die, a long hallway with doors, a shadow person, a place filled with all "your worst fears"), and your story has a lack of description at some parts (such as the hallway and the room of fears). The story also does not feel very different from other ritual creepypastas. The formula that these pastas use is apparent here. Also, the ending line of "You beat all odds and killed somebody for something you wanted! You selfish monster." just feels awkward and not as hard-hitting as it should be. And just how exactly does this ritual kill the victim? That would be interesting to know. I'm sorry, but this story currently does not feel very original or creepy.

As far as rewriting/revising this story goes, I would suggest doing away with all the elements borrowed from other ritual pastas, and coming up with something more unexpected. The beginning paragraph could be improved a bit, as the questions posed are fairly generic and redundant. Also, the writing in general could also be aided by being more descriptive and visual.

With some rewriting and new ideas, this pasta could be improved greatly. I would also like to know some more about what happens to the victim, as I stated above. I hope this feedback helps you and that I didn't sound too harsh. Good luck with this story and all future ones, fellow Creeper! =) Well, thanks