Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24987453-20141228203035/@comment-24987453-20141228232949

Thanks a lot for the suggestions, I found the criticsm very helpful. In additon to the spelling and grammar errors, I changed the ending from the police warning to more of a mysterious ending not involving the police. I also removed the entire beginning, as I felt that it detraced from the story and I could not make it sound any less cheesy. Upon looking up Mountain vs. Mountains, I found that the Ramapo Mountains mountain range is pluralised, but Ramapo Mountain State Forest is not.The edited story is below:

It all began in the early 1940s. A young scientist by the name of Perkins had just built a laboratory on Roosevelt Island, a narrow body of land in the East River between Manhattan and Queens. The building was not quite a lab, it was merely an old brick mansion that had been re-purposed through the addition of medical equipment. It was also where Dr. Perkins lived, since the lab was only located in the house's basement. Perkins lived in the house with his wife and two lab assistants that had living quarters in the attic. At the time, Dr. Perkins was known by some as a strange reclusive man. He had his groceries dropped off on the front porch, since no one had ever seen him leave the house. From a young age, Perkins had been fascinated with the appendix, a small worm-like extension of the large intestine with no known function. He was fascinated with how the appendix, a small and insignificant organ, could rupture and kill a grown man. Because of this, Perkins hoped to develop a way of destroying the appendix without surgery, as appendectomies were much more risky in the early 1940's. After a period of extensive research, Perkins developed a cancer that could be injected, and targeted only the cells found in the appendix. Dr. Perkins decided to test the cure on himself, as his wife and lab assistants were not willing to be injected with the strange cure.

Shortly after injection, strange things began to occur within Dr. Perkins' body. First, the appendix was destroyed. Instead of the cells having been killed, the appendix was replaced by a black, gangrenous sludge. Within forty-eight hours, almost all of his body was gangrenous. His skin had turned into a black, vile substance that was completely devoid of any humanoid features. Perkins realized that he must act fast if he wanted to live. He cut out the gangrenous skin. As he did, green and yellow pus oozed from the knife marks and stained the floor. First, he inserted an electric motor into his chest cavity to replace his heart. Next, he ran rubber tubing throughout his body to replicate blood vessels. Finally, he turned his skeleton into iron. His wife immediately fainted after seeing his new body. When she awoke, Perkins explained to her that this would be his new self.

Two weeks later, Perkins noticed that there were letters being sent to his wife from a man that Perkins was unfamiliar with. Upon opening one of the letters, Perkins realized that his wife was cheating on him. The surgery had affected the doctor's brain, and in an act of blind rage, he injected his wife with the appendicitis "cure". To prevent himself from being discovered, Perkins also injected the two lab assistants. To destroy the evidence, he set fire to the lab and fled, never to be seen again by a living person for another fifty years.

In the mid-1960s, there were many reports of disappearances in Northern New Jersey, specifically the areas of Parsippany, Mahwah, and Morristown. The victims' bodies were later found with rotten, gangrenous skin, similar to Dr. Perkins himself. After the New Jersey incidents, many became afraid and fearful of going near Ramapo Mountain State Forest, where he was thought to be hiding. Soon, the police began to patrol the areas near the mountain, only to find a small piece of rubber tubing that was stained with blood. The DNA test results were inconclusive. The attacks came to a complete stop after the National Guard posted a patrol on Interstate 287, suspecting many to believe that Perkins was hiding in the Ramapo Mountains.

''The following is a written testimony of a witness. The New Jersey State Police has released this to the public to help find the man responsible for the attack at Ramapo Mountain State Forest. The following events occurred on July 6, 2013. ''

"It was about nine or ten in the morning. I was walking through Ramapo Mountain State Forest. All of a sudden, I heard footsteps, although I saw no one walking near me. The park was near deserted at the time. As I continued walking, the footsteps increased until they sounded like they were right behind me. I spun around and saw a man standing there with a needle. I screamed and fled, but the needle scraped my arm. As I ran, the man's sleeve fell, revealing a metal arm that glimmered in the sunlight. I ran towards the interstate. The "man" was always right behind me, keeping up with my pace although he seemed out of shape. As soon as I was within 100 feet of the interstate, the "man" took off into the forest. I noticed the spot where the man had injected me had turned black and was about to fall off. The wound leaked blood and yellow pus. A driver on I-287 stopped and took me to the police station. This is when he told me the legend of Dr. Perkins, a legend I now believe is true."

Since the events of July 6, 2013, hikers passing through Ramapo Mountain State Forest have seen footprints larger than those of any ordinary man. Others have even reported hearing rustling in the bushes, or even the creak of an articulated metal joint. One person has even found a syringe, containing a substance unknown to any major scientific organization.