Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20161214161142/@comment-24101790-20161214165035

I really enjoyed this one, I am a sucker for stories based around myths and legends. There was a good amount of description here and I really didn't come across anything that distracted me from the plot. There were a few things that I noticed though:

"(there is one particular tale, written to horrify, which speculates about just how far the curse will go in this regard)" feels like it's a callback to the original legend (although I haven't been able to dig up anything on it), but it feels like you're skipping over the story about the curse without giving more detail. Given that the narrator is explaining the Isle and giving the backstory, it does feel a bit off that he'd gloss over this.

"That is until one evening blood was spilled by someone’s trivial mishap." This is something you can take or leave, but I'd include a word or two about the trigger for the violence "...over drink/cards and chicanery/etc" just for the sake of giving the audience something they don't have to focus on (The audience thinking about the unknown of 'what caused the violence?' might divert attention from the plot)

" She’d been there for hardly more than three days when one sunny afternoon she turned and said" This line has an indent at the start that should be removed.

"I’d no sinister intentions of course but a man like myself will often draw some affection." While sinister works there, it does feel a bit out of place when used with a line like drawing affection. Maybe "lecherous" or "carnal" might fit a bit better.

"I parked and left my car, careful not to slip on the carnage, and just as I began to inspect, with great disgust, one the heads Mrs Williams suddenly appeared by my side and said,", "“And Odel?” She shook her head and answered,", "“I need to go get him,” I declared but as I turned she cried out,", etc. should probably be a colon as the dialogue is on a separate paragraph.

Additionally this line: "I parked and left my car, careful not to slip on the carnage, and just as I began to inspect, with great disgust, one the heads Mrs Williams suddenly appeared by my side and said," feels a bit off maybe: "I parked and left my car, careful not to slip on the carnage, and just as I began to inspect one the heads, with great disgust, Mrs Williams suddenly appeared by my side and said," might work better.

Other than that, I don't see much room where it can be improved further. Some people might be turned away by the more antiquated way of speaking, but I feel like it is more of a callback to older horror stories (which I enjoy). Hope that helps some.