Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25846731-20141212165721/@comment-24101790-20141212210108

Sorry, I deleted it for quality standards issues. A few pieces of advice.

First and foremost, the description of the man was very similar to Jeff the Killer. "His face never changes. It’s pale white. His eyes are grey. Empty. Wide. So fucking wide. I can’t take my own eyes off of them and because I can’t, I feel them painfully dry up, just as his should, but they don’t. He never closes them. He’s always, always watching. His smile, that godforsaken smile. Just like his eyes. So impossibly wide." (White face, wide eyes, impossibly wide smile/Glasgow grin)

I would also advise against using ellipses in the story itself as a means for dramatic pause. (They work to signify pauses in dialogue and omission of words from a quote, but using it in the story itself comes off as melodramatic.) There are also some wording issues. "...having a hand swipe away a single tear that sprinted (trailed/slid/crept, sprinted isn't the best of words to signify fluid motion) along my flustered cheek.", "I muster a sarcastic (wry) short laugh at my misfortune, softly banging the back of my head into the wall I leaned back against." (Consider revising the second portion for better flow.)

Additionally, starting sentences with conjunctions (but, because, and) gives the story a choppy feel and isn't grammatically correct. (Although commonly accepted in dialogue.) The story can be salvaged, it just needs a few tweaks here and there. (Mainly in description of the antagonist, minor punctuation, and minor wording.) If you don't have a copy of the story, I can provide you with one. Best of luck.