Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150606141940/@comment-26007602-20150620235245

Getting to this earlier than I thought; as always, let's get down to it.

I think you should add something to differentiate the chapters/sections of the story. Either use a page break or bold the text to make it a bit more noticeable.

"In a short time, Alexander realized he should tell someone, but the fear of being socially mocked restricted his words." This seems like flimsy reasoning for him not to tell anyone of Ken's disappearance. From a character standpoint, it makes sense that Alexander would be afraid of being socially mocked, but would someone really mock him for coming forward and telling of Ken's disappearance? I don't think if I had information on a murder case people would make fun of me for it. Maybe I'm just overthinking this. It doesn't really affect the story, just something I noticed.

"Alexander got distracted, after seeing Igia conversing with someone under the porch canopy." You can remove the comma.

"Hey Alex, you made it," slapping him on the back in jest." There needs to be something indicating that Arnold is speaking, so the sentence makes a bit more sense.  "Hey Alex, you made it," Arnold said, slapping Alexander on the back in jest."

"Listening to the whispers, mentally repeated that hellish crescendo from April 23rd." This sentence is incomplete; you need a subject in here somewhere. "Listening to the whispers, he mentally repeated that hellish crescendo from April 23rd."

"Igia looked over and did not seem pleased with Arnold, "I see you found the door to the cellar," politely imploring him to get off it." This also needs a "she said" somewhere in it. I think this sounds better: "Igia looked over and did not seem pleased with Arnold, "I see you found the door to the cellar," she said, politely imploring him to get off it."

"Igia keeping an undeterred demeanor walked out of the foyer, leaving the three of them behind." This sentence is a bit messy; it doesn't express a complete thought and reads choppily. I'd rewrite it as so: "Igia kept an undeterred demeanor as she walked out of the foyer, leaving the three of them behind."

"Heh, Mili’s paranoid,” teased Arnold, rotating the vintage globe. “It’s only gusts of wind.”  This was just missing a quotation mark before Arnold started speaking.

"Slightly nettled, “I mean this place feels... strange. I’m going to go look for her so we can leave.” The speaker needs to be identified here. "She looked at them, slightly nettled, I mean this place feels... strange. I’m going to go look for her so we can leave."

"Alexander glimpsed behind it; spotting a black, obscurely designed key taped to the back." The semicolon can be removed and replaced with a comma.

"Alexander observing the queer key, believes it is an antique and stuffed it into his back pocket for later research." I'm not sure why you decided to change tense for this single sentence, but this should be in past tense as well. "Alexander observed the queer key, believing it to be an antique and stuffed it into his back pocket for later research."

"A mixture of guilt and fear encumbered him, “W-W-What have you done to Ken?” This seems a bit out of place for Alexander.  He does not seem like the guy who would directly confront this being before him.  Maybe you want to build off the emotions he has in him at that moment?  This could be used for character development, but I think it's a bit early for him to confront the beast directly (Especially since this is his first real encounter).

"Alexander clenched his fists and stormed upstairs, recalling his suicide attempt four years ago, to escape the ridicule." This seems like a pretty important event in Alexander's life. I don't know if you go into more detail later on, but I definitely think you should expand on this detail. Just an idea for improvement.

"That nightfall, a figure skulked around the lighthouse..." There really should be something to signal a transition into Arnold's point of view.

"A jet-black cell phone laid on top the table, with the Roman numeral five engraved on its back."

"Its clasping hands reached for Arnold as distressed screams resounded within the cellar." First off, I dig the new description of the monster. Second, there should be another transition to signify we've switched back to Alexander. I also think Arnold's death is more unexpected in this version, which is a plus. I also didn't really expect his mother to die. The fact that she had some character development right up to her demise does help the story. I don't really expect Alexander to recover from this though. Is he just broken in the next section? He seems like the guy that would be unable to carry on after such an event, so I'd be careful how you handle his demeanor in the next part.

Other than the grammar, everything I've said is basically nitpicking your story for details that may or mar not actually be important. I'm just trying to find areas for improvement in the already solid story. It's coming along well, and I look forward to the next section.