Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24918243-20140621064501/@comment-9967354-20140621080944

Oh my god, another crazy ending I should have -but didn't- see coming. I was skeptical at first, because I thought this would be another story of how one innocent girl gets herself neck deep in trouble and doesn't realise it because she's so daft. Sorry. It sort of seemed like it at first because the narration was like a child's thinking -or what we think goes through their minds, because we've forgotten. I wish you'd have popped in more about the girl other than the fact that she likes books, but when you said she'd inherited her qualities from her father, I realised you had been foreshadowing the twist.

What doesn't fit here, is the fact that none of this seems terribly likely, and it's sort of hard to believe. Maybe it's the narration (she stood on her tippy-toes) that makes this seem a bit dramatic, or maybe it was Kyra being a bit too innocent. I think the bit where she feels guilty is not highlighted as much as her curiosity. If I were a child who had done something of the sort, I'd feel worse than that. I don't see why she had to wait till something awful as the dog starving to death had to happen to talk to boxsonbolee. Why isn't she afraid of invisible people? She's old enough to know they're supposed to be frightening, if she's old enough to read and write. And to have a chemistry set with stuff that smells like rotten eggs SO2? I think? -I'm pretty sure that gas is poisonous, if my chemistry teacher (bless her) has taught me anything at all.

Also, I think you overdid Boxsonbolee's speech. 'now time for Kyra die', and stuff. I'm sure it wouldn't affect the plot if you add a few prepositions here and there. But that's completely up to you.