Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160605121157/@comment-25569708-20160605165539

Hey, Anarchic.

"If only my door had a switch to unlock the deadbolt, like most of the modern locks, and I would have been free.

If only I had been more careful."

Jokes aside, I liked this pasta. There weren't any real errors that I could find except for "and seen the massive figure", which should be "and saw the massive figure". Other than that I don't really see any other errors, so let's just get right into the story.

You cram quite a lot into a single micropasta, and I really like that. You cover a lot of stuff in a short amount of time and actually do it well (I know that's the point of micropastas, but still). I would say the flow is good throughout, there's no point I can see where you move too quickly or too slowly, so good job there too. Your character also had a good "voice," and it was interesting to hear his thoughts.

The plot was mainly good, however there are a couple things I am confused about. After the intruder broke in for the first time, why didn't this guy call the cops? It's like the protag wakes up to see someone has been in his house, he gets scared, then he just makes sure to lock his door that night. It kind of feels unrealistic. Also, when the protag sees the guy over his bed, I didn't get the sense that he was very scared. The closest thing to that you mention is that his "mind was racing." I feel like he should be much more frightened at this insane situation he's involved in. Also, there is the subject of narration. Everything is in the past up until when the protag goes to bed, then it then briefly becomes present tense, but then it immediately goes back into past tense. A character talking even though they should be dead/about to die doesn't usually bother me, but here it's just weird because I can't get a sense of where the protag is in time. Finally, I like the whole story and all, but I feel like there should be something more. I mean the protag gets into this situation where he's probably about to die and it just ends. I'm not saying that's a bad or ineffective way to end a story, but I just think that you could do something more with the ending for extra spooks, maybe some sort of spooky revelation about the intruder. I don't know. Something to differentiate your story from others a bit.

Okay, I hope that wasn't too much for a micropasta. All in all it was interesting to read something new from you. Good micropasta here, but could use some more consideration. Good luck with this.