Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25237062-20140801194605/@comment-25148755-20140802042217

My guess: this was probably deleted due to quality standards. Now, that being said, this is considerably closer to being a working story than many I've seen get deleted, so don't feel too discouraged.

You share a common mistake with a lot of other writers, specifically changing your verb tense from present to past tense and back again. You do this multiple times throughout this story, enough that it would be way too much work to go back and point out every time.

You have some other spelling errors (unless Jane's nickname is "sweaty" I'm guessing you meant sweetie), missing apostrophes, etc. throughout but especially in your last paragraph.

As an overall concept I've definitely seen worse story ideas. I especially like the father losing custody of the daughter and kidnapping her rather than reliquishing her. However, your execution is considerably lacking. Intentionally or not, your writing style at times conveys events as borderline humorous rather than horrifying, most pointedly the roadkill scene. Using an onomatopoeia like "blap" (seriously, blap?) comes across as comical. Instead try something like "The car struck the animal with a sickening thud." Your dialogue is wooden and unnatural and some of your choices of phrase are just straight up awkward.

A few other random things. A $7000 dollar house with four bathrooms? Not realistic. You couldn't buy a house with one bathroom for $7000. Also, with that many bathrooms, why is Dan using an outhouse? Your last paragraph sucks. I would almost suggest just throwing it out completely. The whole news report thing is way overdone and you don't do it well enough here to justify keeping it. You refer to Dan taking the form of the creature, but I think you mean the creature is in the form of Dan. Either way, it doesn't flow well and just feels like a "meh" attempt at a sort of twist ending.

So anyway, hope this helps some. Keep working at it and I'll be interested to see what you can come up with!