Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24810508-20150201060506/@comment-26007602-20150201084146

Hmmm. Where to start.

I guess I'll say that this story had potential; it really did. I was reading the first few lines (which don't need to be spaced out) and thought that this would be about a child who was molested by a strange man in a bunny suit ("find the zipper"). That could be fairly creepy.

I was wrong.

First off, nothing about Funny Bunny is ever explained. He's just there. There is no hint at whether he is a real or supernatural being (we know he's not imaginary, as the father can see him), no hint at his motives, and no hint at his purpose. You had a good chance to make this thing really creepy and demented, but you squandered it on using it to make the character cut himself (more on that later).

Second, what the hell is up with your word choice? Love sack? "Show me your love"? "I struggle to escape this black hole"? Really? If you wanted this character to sound like a pedophile (which would have totally worked), these choices would make sense. But as the story currently stands, they simply give the reader pause and time to think, "really?"

The plot makes no sense. Magical bunny appears, somehow convinces kid to cut himself, and then shoves the kid into his fur. What? Do you see how nonsensical that sounds? Why is this a legitimate part of your story. And once the kid is inside the suit- er, "merged with the inside of his fur", his dad walks in there, and the kid is magically on the bed and the bunny hops away. What?! Why introduce a conflict if you are going to immediately resolve it? There's no easy flow of the action, no transitions; you need to slow down and give the story more details and description so readers can get a chance to figure out what the hell is going on.

Your writing style itself is rather odd. The character is far too casual and nondescript in describing his torture.

"...my thumb was completely dislocated and generally jacked up." Generally jacked up? That was the best you could come up with?

"...before my dad could do something to Funny Bunny." Do something? There are so many words or phrases you could use besides "do something".

"...that love can be between any two creatures." Don't promote bestiality dude. Just don't. Even if your character is obviously insane it just looks really bad.

Alright, here's my main beef with the story: the use of cutting oneself to "shock" the reader and show how insane the protagonist is. It's so distasteful and disgusting the way you implemented it here. There's nothing remotely creepy about it (adding blood everywhere does nothing), there's nothing remotely logical about it, and there is no reason for it to be in here. There are so many different things you could have done with this character, but you chose self-hurt. Why? There's no correlation between the concept of the character and cutting oneself.

"...but what I learned during Funny Bunny's stay was that hurting myself solves all of my problems..."

This line is absolutely disgusting. Don't use hurting oneself as a sign of mental instability; it's insulting, cliché, and nonsensical. Ask yourself this: why does the rabbit make the kid cut himself? Why? Is it for any reason besides, "Oh, it'll really creep out the reader"? Ask yourself if it has a reason for being there.

Look, I'm not offended by the content as I know you're not trying to offend me personally. That being said, I do not apologize for the harsh critique. I think if you took a complete different approach with the character, you could actually be on to something. But currently, no, this will not work.