Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20150422165839/@comment-26326346-20150427064332

Thank you very much for the feedback! I like the way you specified the paragraphs and lines, I'll remember that for when my grammar gets good enough that I can help out here.

So, I fixed the first paragraph, last line, the second paragraph, first line, and paragraph 2, line four.

There are a few things that might get changed in the future and a few that will not. I'm not going to leave it at that though, because I really appreciate your feedback and help, so I'm going to explain why below. :)

I'm going to try to get a third opinion on the incidents, as you think the story would be better with them removed, while Jay ten (and I) feel like the story is better with more reference to the prison being haunted. The original draft was actually how you want it to be, it was just the rumor of the prison being haunted and no incidents. The figures in the prison yard after dark was more foreshadowing about the prisoners being loose and getting ready to take control of the prison.

The ":" after Cell Block D was an edit made by Jay ten, so I feel like it might be correct as well, however I'll seek a third opinion and/or try to find a way to word it a bit differently as I agree that it looks like an emoticon.

I'm going to leave the line of thought he has about the prisoners escaping since it is why he gets angry with himself for getting into such a defenseless position. The main thing I was going for with that line was to communicate that he's in a very dangerous place and that there is no margin for error. I would have agreed with the removal of the line if the ending was predictable. Since it doesn't give away the ending, I feel that it only adds to the story.

As for him reaching for the umbrella and turning his back on the car door, that was a good catch. I'm trying to think of a way to properly word it, so that edit will take a while.

Thanks again, Punkfaye! I appreciate the feedback and suggestions! I'm really glad that you found the story dark and bleak, I'm especially glad that the ending was predictable (that always ruins stories for me).