Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25165298-20140711043102/@comment-25155143-20140711182302

Mystreve wrote:

I don't know what is up with the hyphens. You do know what quotation marks are for, correct? Hyphens are used for dialogue in other countries such france or spain (I know that because I'm foreigner). So I'll guess english is not her/his main language?

As for the story, I agree with Mystreve. There are no transitions. He's in a party, and then he magically teleports to room 348? Why is he sleeping there, anyways? Your story should explain these things.

Your characters are there for the sake of being there. They have no personality whatsoever. Your dialogue is generic - that's what I'm saying. It all seems rushed, like:

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Wanna tell a creepy story?"

"Okay!"

You get the point, don't you? You should use dialogue to:


 * Reveal information that's relevant to the reader. Now, this must be done as naturally as possible, it must not read like you're forcing it into the character's throat.


 * Present your characters. Make them likeable. Give them personalities.

Another thing your story lacks is description. You're just telling us what happened, you're not describing anything. People feel a lot of things when they're afraid, mainly because their senses intensifies. Describe what they hear, smell, see and, above all, what they think about it. How do they react to what's happening?

"Like corpse and fear." Just what? You're trying to connect two completely different ideas here.

As casssist said, no capitals. Please.

You're mixing present and preterite, aren't you? check that. -> "Then something happen(s). I jumped so hardly..."

A little piece of advice:

-> If you're writing a diary, you might use present.

-> If you're narrating a succession of events, then you might use preterite. Present's also valid.

But not both.

Good luck!