Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29076144-20160715191116/@comment-25569708-20160729075157

Okay, sorry for taking a bit to get to this. Unfortunately your story has a large amount of errors present, and the formatting is pretty messed up. I would strongly suggest taking your time proofreading and actually reading your story out loud to yourself, due to the high number of mistakes here. I'll list them now, corrections are in parentheses:

...loved them for there (their) mysterious...

A few months later. Sam (later, Sam) invited...

There was (a) small tv...

...let him hunt (on) our property.

neither (Neither) did Will.

...throw it (them) back.

...much to Will's demise (dismay).

...drive to a subway (Subway)...

I listened to the closely to sounds (closely to the sounds)...

...it's (its) lips were drawn... it's (its) fangs...

Also, are Will and Wylie the same person? This sudden name change feels weird.

...decided to go on (in) my car...

...and been to (too) excited to notice.

There was nothing but a single tree in the middle, and the old abandoned cabin (he should notice the cabin first).

...pointed at (the) tree...

Sam followed me after (after me).

...and I was just was just (omit second "was just")...

There (Their) argument was interrupted by a large (loud) noise outside.

There was a small opening (gap) that I could barely fit into too (omit "too").

...dread came over (me) as I stepped...

My heart sank, this was (his) brother after all.

...tore up the whole cabin looking for (it), but...

...find someone at there (the? their?) house up here...

This was to (too) much for us...

A blood-curling (curdling) scream stopped...

I just wanted to get out (of) this place right now.

...I was standing at the edge of (a) field.

...like no one had been here for while (a while).

I got closer and and (omit second "and") saw...

...just enough light coming rom (from) upstairs...

There (Their) torsos were ripped... there (their) intestines... (series of "there" in place of "their")

...sound of footsteps on (the) staircase.

...followed by alcohol sweeping (spilling) over the floor...

...tried to strike one, to no prevail (avail).

...felt heat at my back as (I) leapt out of the door.

...picked a direction I assumed was (to) the cabin, and gone (went) from there.

...so I wasn't at least (at least I wasn't) blindly running...

It (I) didn't hear anything else...

Branches kept waking (whacking) my face...

I realized this want (wasn't) just and body of water...

...me and Sam (Sam and I) had been too (to) the other day...

...the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds (contradictory sentences).

I hopped in the car (after suggesting he was already in the car).

Now I wasn't must (just) some helpless prey.

Before i (I) had ever been to this lake.

Before i (I) put three bullets...

Whenever I hit it, it had worked (What worked?).

The moonlight was shinning (shining) through the small cabin, so I I (omit second "I") could see...

I made my (way) to what I assumed...

Its face was to (too) mangled to see, but I could tell who it was from the height. Will, or Sam (How could he tell it was Will or Sam from the height alone? The body was mangled beyond recognition but he could immediately tell who it was strictly from the height? What about identifying the body by the clothing?).

I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet and (I) jumped away (back). (How could he feel this through his shoes? Was he barefoot or were there holes in his shoes?)

I quickly pulled it out and chunked (chucked) it...

I sneered and chunked (chucked) the match...

Blood gushed out, but was quickly dried by the fire (The heat from the fire would have cauterized his wound, thus not causing the blood to gush in the first place.)

...not even bothering to see the affects (effects) of the flames.

I didn't stop till ('til or until) I got outside...

Unfortunately even if you were to fix all these errors, I'm sorry to say that the story itself is currently overly-long, uninteresting, and honestly a bit of a chore to read through. There is a massive amount of padding that could be cut here. If a sentence isn't moving the plot along, adding to a character, or describing scenery in an interesting, visualizing way, it should be cut. You really need to streamline this story and make it so the reader doesn't have to sit through a bunch of unimportant, extraneous detail. Buildup is one thing, but the reader doesn't need to hear every single detail. I also didn't really care for the characters, yeah Sam was kind of a prick but that's all that struck me from the characters. I honestly didn't care what happened to them too much. However I thought the monster was actually described well; not too much information that you didn't have to use your imagination.

But besides that, this story was pretty much the average "monster in the woods" story, and didn't stray too far from that type of tale. I could pretty much predict what was always going to happen. I feel you need to differentiate your story from the many others in the genre, but before you do that I again urge you to cut down on the unneeded "fat" of the story. Reading through all other reviews of your pasta, the consensus seems to be that you should (again) cut down on fluff, so I'm going to recommend that you really sit down and consider what should go (sentence by sentence) and then see where you are after that. Remember that every sentence should be interesting, needed, or otherwise important to your story in some way. I'm also going to recommend that you read these helpful writing advice blog posts if you haven't already:

[http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:ImGonnaBeThatGuy/Unsolicited_Writing_Advice! This.]

And this.

Also this.

You should really check out the Writing Advice section in general; there is some great advice there for all writers. Anyways, I hope my review/suggestions help you with this story and all others of yours. I'm not trying to be hurtful or rude in any way, I'm just honestly telling you what struck me about your story. I wish you the best of luck here, fellow Creeper.