Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27002167-20150920061141/@comment-25547916-20150921014108

Okay, your pasta is pretty short but riddled with grammar issues. You mentioned that English isn't your first language, so I corrected the grammar line by line (luckily your story is pretty short):



Michael Swaladski (or Mike, as everyone called him) was a worker for a chemical plant that for security reasons was located outside the city he lived in.

   Omitted "it". Changed "of" to "for". Added "in" to the end.

The route he took to the chemical plant was long; it took about an hour and a half to reach the site.

   Changed to past tense. Omitted unnecesary words. Added semicolon.

The road led only to the structure and a gas station located halfway, (that would explain why the road was so empty since not many people went to the place).

   The wording is goofy here. I'm not sure how to correct it, but it seems like it should be multiple sentences.

It was aproximately 6:00 AM, and Mike was enjoying a hot coffee while going to work.

   Nothin' wrong here.

The road was covered with fog, which made sense since it was an autumn morning. However he noted that the fog was denser than usual.

   Split into two sentences.

He drove quietly, thinking about  family-related personal problems as he drove. In the distance, he saw a gray car that seemed to be stuck in the middle of the road.

    Changed the commas. Moved "family-related".

Mike rolled down the window of his car to ask if anyone needed help. With a slight concern he  proceeded to get out of his own car and approach the other, only to realize there was no one in the mysterious vehicle.

   Seperated to two setences. Altered confusing wording.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Both doors appeared to be open, and leftovers were scattered around the passenger seat, which raised even more questions for Mike. Everything seemed to have been left in a very abrupt movement.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Seperated sentances and made one a compound. Fixed odd phrase.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Mike considered calling the authorities, or at least a local crane service, but he had had signal problems in the past, the signal was very unstable, so he had to recur constantly the call. Since he was a person who gets stressed out easily, he gave up making the call, and continued his route trying to forget the incident.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">  I'm not sure what the first sentence really means, honestly. Can't help you out.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">While Mike kept driving, he noticed something weird in the air. Far in the distance he saw a small patch of mist that looked red with a darker tonality. As he kept advancing, the patch of mist started to grow and grow.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Changed "atmosphere". Nice word, but doesn't match up too well in context. Seperated               sentences.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Mike immediately became alarmed because this seemed to be an accident or leakage from the chemical plant. He stood looking at the spot for a while, but the gas did not seem to belong to any chemical that was stored in the plant.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Added "became". Added subject to next clause.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">There was something behind the red fog.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   No need for the repeated "something". Sounds fine if you say it out loud, but looks silly when written.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Mike panicked immediately. He saw some kind of elongated humanoid figure of almost four meters. Its skin was hairless, and its body too thin, almost skeletal.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Seperated sentences. Slightly changed phrasing.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Mike turned around and went to the other side of the road, trying to escape the red mist cloud. Several minuts passed before he started to collect his nerves.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Made past-tense. Changed to "collect".

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Then Mike slowed the vehicle abruptly and started to cry out with stress. He saw another cloud of red mist and knew he was cornered. The creatures and the mist also were on the other side.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Replaced odd phrace. Changed to past tense. Removed elipses. Seperated sentences.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">He got out of the car, shaking with fear, and started running in to the woods besides the road.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Changed to past tense. Changed prepositional phrases.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Michael Swaladski never contacted his family and was never seen again by the plant.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">After a few weeks, he was declared as a missing person.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Omitted "with".

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Sadly, one can say that the last thing Michael Swaladski left was a car in the middle of the road.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">   Removed comma.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Alright, so that's my close read for grammar. Looking at the story as a whole, its not bad by any means. I thought the last line was pretty good. You could say an "abandoned" car, which would might make the ending clearer but I thought it was fine. I might make the single abandoned car a line of cars, so that it seems like the creature claimed more vitcims, but that's just me. Some of the ideas of this story have been done before, so there is a chance this story might be recieved poorly, but I for one, enjoyed it. Feel free to ignore my edits, if you like.