Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33488654-20180822020522/@comment-35911608-20180823013654

Well, it is improved for sure. But it stills feel like you're just explaining the events to me, like a news report. There's a lot of lines that talk about stuff that we, the reader, shouldn't really know, much like the characters. It's just the narrator explaining that to us. It's mostly in lines like:

''The reason for this is that the force possessing Cooper can make proxies of itself, giving it the ability to possess multiple bodies at one time, and the headless body of Ashley would resurface in November of the same year. ''

And it's not that it's based on a legend, I get that. It still feels like I'm being told what happened and not shown (I've been using that analogy a LOT lately).

There's a fair amount of description, sure, but I still don't FEEL the fear. You gotta make me scared, give me that reason to be terrified of Cooper. I think you've got your story planning down for these two parts, and the writing has improved, but before moving on to part three, try working on the atmosphere the story creates for the reader. Make them feel as if THEY are the officer or Ashley in the story, and make them uncomfortable or terrified.