Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20180228235348/@comment-25926760-20180301035912

Figured since you two seem to have started as a pair, I'll comment on both. First, that is probably my new favorite site discovery story. I'm gonna want Crepe Pasta Succotash as a tattoo one day. I just hope my boyfriend will be able to stop me from going through with it. Anywho, on to review.

It's a neat concept. It's also short and sweet. But it's a bit difficult to follow at times. The vocabulary has a weird mix between Harvard and 8th grader. If you're against swearing, I understand. But the difference between using annals, echoism, and the phrase onomatopaeic backlash (another possible tattoo idea) versus the slightly less sophisticated "Shove it up you butt Joshua!" (Hey that's my name! I tried that. It was uncomfortable for all parties involved.)

Think about using a break in the middle of the sentences "He was such a great guy. Give you the shirt off his back," Joshua said while sniveling and whimpering into the camera "none of us saw this coming. No, not Nathan". It eliminates the need for a distracting pause to emphasize the snivels.

If your Evnis Slarn is really that insane, try explaining some of his movements that he takes. Right now, he sounds like a calm, rational individual hell bent on making you think he's insane. Did he walk over to the cassette recorder and hit record or did he saunter, skip, dance and end with a piroutte? Obviously that's an exaggeration, but a thought. Truly insane people can't hide it, and truly not insane people have difficulties faking it. Unless you count One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, but he was a sociopath and got lobotomized, so I don't think that counts.

Remember the origin of duct tape and the different kinds. The type Evnis is likely using was the type used to seal ammunition canisters and planes in the fuselages of airplanes in WWII. (Actually called duck tape because of the use of duck cloth as a backing.) Duct tape is a heat resistant, foil backed variety. Also there's gaffer's tape. But that's for stage and theatre usage mainly.

Aside from that, it's a very neat story. And a concept that's been done (Saw), but this is a fresher take on it. At least in my opinion. No longer fighting to appreciate life or escape some trap, just a good, old-fashioned attempt to put the laughter back in slaughter.