Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28396206-20160506193046/@comment-25569708-20160509220031

Hello Xrockraider!

Before I review your story, I strongly urge you to carefully reread your story and completely make sure that it is in the present tense (if that is the tense you want), as there are numerous tense errors present ("I shook my head and look her in the eyes", "I start to follow her from a distance, now wanting to know more about her, leading me away from the big city as we walked through some dark alleyways."), especially in the fourth paragraph. You should also really include more commas in your story, as there are many sentences that could benefit from pauses. Anyways, let's begin with the errors present. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'm talking about:

"I put on my hoodie and grab my glasses from the shelf, I open the door..." should probably be "I put on my hoodie, grab my glasses from the shelf, and open the door..."

"big led advertising boards" should be "big LED advertising boards"

"...making the streets busier and break the silence around me." should be "...making the streets busier and breaking the silence around me."

"all these thought filling it" should be "all these thoughts filling it"

"I ignore it and start walking again widening my smile looking at all the people now walking with me, all too busy with their work they don’t even look at you once." is just a long, awkward sentence.

"I didn’t notices the street pole" should be "I didn’t notice the street pole"

"I open my eyes and see her again smiling at my." should be "I open my eyes and see her again smiling at me."

"You should hide that pretty face of yours it causes accidents.” Shit I thought to myself, I fucked up again. She smiled helping my stand up." should be something like:

"You should hide that pretty face of yours, it causes accidents.”

"Shit," I thought to myself. I had fucked up again. She smiled. helping me stand up."

"I feel uncomfortable walking through these alleyways but I most follow her I can’t lose her." should be something like "I feel uncomfortable walking through these alleyways. I must follow her, though, I can’t lose her."

"Must remember that I mumbled." should be ""Must remember that," I mumbled."

"My eyes where getting heavy with the night falling in." should be "My eyes were getting heavy with the night falling in."

"I stand up and walk straight to her house and look at the number as I see 24 display in metal numbers." is a kind of a run-on sentence.

"up stairs" should be "upstairs"

Okay, now for my thoughts on the story itself. I liked the description of the protagonist going through the city in the beginning, but after that there are some problems. When he meets the female character, their conversation feels a bit robotic. I was also disappointed after the protagonist tracked down the girl, only to kill her. I was expecting this ever since he met the girl, so it felt like a stale twist. The protagonist murders this lady for seemingly no reason, and we don't really even get to see his justification for doing so, besides wanting to "hide her pretty face." Also, the choice of a machete as a weapon seemed a bit too over-the-top and out-of-the-ordinary. I did, however, like the "looping" aspect of the story at the end, implying that this may not be the protagonist's first kill.

All in all, I did like some aspects of the story (City description, "looping" end), but there are some things that really need to be worked out (Tense problems, lack of commas, quotation problems, grammar and punctuation errors, stale plotline). I hope my feedback helps you with your story and all future stories by you.

Good luck, fellow Creeper!