Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24977230-20140513133350/@comment-24821182-20140514044619

Overall, I liked the story, and I think you could post it as an article, but certain parts of it were a little odd.

I'm not a great reviewer, but I'll take some lines from the story and tell you my problems with them. Keep in mind that I'm being nit-picky.

"Did he want to be the only one? What could be his reason, TELL ME!"

This is highly unprofessional of a CIA agent, to shout while questioning. especially since it was uncalled for. Pacifying people who may have relevant information - and are willing to share it - is a good way to lose your job as a criminal investigator.

"Well, I have seen one corpse of one with his eyes cut out! A mysterious figure showed it to me. He said that the same thing happens to me if I tell it further or quit my job!"

First of all, "I have seen one corpse of one with his eyes cut out" is awkward phrasing. Try "I have seen the corpse of one with his eyes cut out" instead. Secondly, doesn't the investigator find it a little odd that the juggler is so willing to share information when he was threatened not to? Thirdly, why doesn't the investigator ask the juggler what the mysterious figure looked like?

"GO AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" is actually supposed to be "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" and if you could lose the all-caps, that would be great.

"Turns out he sliced my arm off really fast."

And he did it with super-human strength, apparently. I don't see how one swing with a machete is sufficient to cut through flesh and bone.