User blog comment:Zumokiworks335/CREEPYPASTA WIKI IS FOR PRO'S/@comment-27859657-20160713181246/@comment-25024572-20160713181918

So I read your story on the Trollpasta Wiki, and left a comment. I've no idea if you've read it, but it basically goes through the flaws in the story. In case you haven't read it, I'm posting it here:

Alright, let's go through this story, or at least what I can understand of it.

The spelling and grammar aren't all that good, and, in fact, hinder any sort of comprehension of the story. As such, what I may say, in terms of plot and story elements, may be lacking, but that's only because it was hard to understand.

So Curtis (by the way, nice self insertion) hates his step-family, despite the fact that they give him a bit more food? Umm...ok? He also seems to dislike their Christian attitude towards things. And his family seems to be a dick to him because...because...I got nothing.

Anyway, Curtis goes to school and misses some test, and gets in trouble? Ok. So he ends up telling a teacher that he wants to kill his family, and doesn't seem to think that will get him in trouble in any way. Until it does, and he's sent to a counselor (and yes, that's how you spell it), and he says, "Oh, heh, it was a joke." Everyone calls him out, and he ends up in an asylum, where things get really odd.

So, at the asylum, his name is changed to an anime protagonist name because...um...plot? Yeah, I have no idea. But the name is stupid, in my opinion, since it comes out of nowhere and doesn't mesh with anything. So I'll call him Kawaii Senpai for now, because I have a sense of humor.

So, Kawaii Senpai, at some point, meets Peat, who is just there.

At the asylum, Kawaii Senpai ends up going nuts, thinking he's a demon or something, and is put in some padded cell. Then nurses keep coming in, and he keeps knocking them out, and no one finds that odd. Seriously, this is really weird behavior. Why are the nurses not sent in with guards? But I digress.

Then there's some power outage, and Kawaii Senpai escapes, and goes on a murder spree. Because what's a Jeff Formula story without a murder spree from a character who has no combat experience whatsoever? Anyway, he kills a bunch of people, and finds some compound with 666 in the name (subtle), which some doctor throws at him. Kawaii Senpai then mentions Creepypasta cliches in a line that's either really clever or really stupid; I haven't decided yet. Also, this is where you say something's cliche?

Kawaii Senpai continues his kill spree, and then finds some blade called "Devils sanity" (instead of "Devil's Sanity"). There's a plaque under the blade, and with an equation: 666 compound + blade = titular name. So, Kawaii Senpai takes the blade, and gets an even more anime sounding same. And thus, he becomes, Desu Desu! Or whatever.

Listen, the biggest problem in this story is the spelling and grammar. It makes it hard to get what's going on in this story. And, honestly, from what I could gather, it's pretty cliche. It's the Jeff Formula with some Satan sprinkled in there. You've got the main teenage character with the crappy home life, said main character going insane and murdering people after getting random powers, a bladed weapon, hoodies, that sort of thing. And, in terms of the Satan cliches, you've got 666. Hell, in the story, you even mention that there's some cliche.

The characters aren't well developed. I can't tell you a damn thing about the main character, no matter what he's called. Hell, I've no idea why his name changed the first time. That was confusing, and not explained very well. And why those names? Why not normal names? Why not have his name first change to "Jeff Michaels" or something. Hell, make that his real name, insteald of Curtis Rhodes. Speaking of which, the main character is really a self-insertion character. Admittedly, that's not always a death sentence for a story, but it usually is, mainly because most writers who do that make their character super epic awesome rather than focus on making a good charatcer, like in this story. Curtis/Anime Name is underdeveloped, and randomly gains super awesome fighting/murder skills.

As for the other characters, there's not much to them. With the abusive stepmother, she's kind of confusing. So, she hates Curtis, and takes away his bedsheets, clothes, and drawing pads, but lets him have more food? Also, he still has clothes and drawing pads later in the story, AND has a cell phone. So...she throws away bedding but is ok with spending money on a cell phone? Weird. And everyone else has really no character.

This story is incredibly long, and honestly doesn't need to be. A lot of stuff here is unneeded, like Curtis getting a new name, the whole test thing, the character of Peat, stuff like that. I've read stories with a similar plot (abused character gets experimented on and gets Satanic powers) that are much shorter. I applaud that you put effort into making it long, but I ask that you put more effort into making it good.

I mainly wrote this whole thing so I could give a basic overview of what, exactly, is wrong with your story, that way you know what to fix in the future. I admire that you spent months on this story, but in all that time, you couldn't go back and proofread it? Maybe put it in Microsoft Word? In fact, when writing a story, write it in Word first, that way your spelling/grammar errors are pointed out as you write. Plus, if your story is deleted from the Creepypasta Wiki, you still have it saved. Just saying.

Just because you spent time on it doesn't mean it's good. But you can learn from this. Listen to the criticism, improve, and be a better writer. That's my advice.