Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25624120-20141105144115/@comment-25624804-20141105155749

I would say it's because of your grammar, perhaps. I would suggest getting it proofread. Another thing, story-wise, is it's a bit rushed. You don't take anytime to explain much or set the scene. Try to be descriptive rather than just putting a curse word before the word creepy. That doesn't get the point across very effectively. Try to build on the character more to build empathy. Good luck, I hope this helped!