Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20150920044954/@comment-25980905-20150922133746

All in all, that was not an unpleasant read. It was long so I had to read it in parts (curse you external responsibilities!), but overall it was a nice read. Let's begin shall we?

Summary:

So, before I go anywhere with this review, I'm just going to summarise your story's basic plot (as I understand it) in short form for future reference (as a double read of this story is really not an option for me with that length).

1) Protagonist (Johnathan) loves magic, has been fascinated by it since young age (possibly eight years old, or even earlier) and his first performance ever seen was an old man on the street (a street performer who I will now dub 'OM1' for future reference). This performance inspired him to become a magician himself.

2) Fast forward three years, we learn of the protagonist's family. They are poor, and struggle to meet ends meet. The father is allegedly dead after what the protagonist's mother describes as 'too much stress'. The mother works long hours and Johnathan himself works as a paper route boy in order to help assist his mother financially. It is this job that leads to the protagonist's discovery that 'The Great Occam Cobb' is coming to town. Occam Cobb is essentially the greatest magician of all magicians, allegedly being able to defy physics. The protagonist is inspired to create a magic trick to impress Occam Cobb, after performing a fairly amateur and overdone card trick on his boss (Mr Garrett).

3) Occam Cobb arrives, Mr Garrett lets the protagonist off early as he understands how important this is to the protagonist. The protagonist goes home only to have his dreams crushed by his mother (it's a waste of money to pay to watch other people and they are very tight on money). The protagonist wanders to the performance building, speculating on just what marvels he was missing out on.

4) The protagonist sneaks into the building through a storage room door, which was miraculously left unlocked. The protagonist peers out through a window panel at the final act of the show: the Occam Teleporter act. Occam Cobb essentially performs an escapade from a certain death situation: being in a box that is about to get completely destroyed but then appearing in a safe box that was not in any danger, free from harm. He then invites a member of the audience to do the exact same thing (but minus the box being destroyed, life in danger part of the routine). The audience member appears in the other box and is a little off, as though the light in the room in blinding them. The show ends.

5) The protagonist sneaks backstage in order to speak to Occam Cobb, he meets him and shows him the magic card trick he had been rehearsing prior to the event (smilar, if not the same, to OM1's routine at the start of the story). Occam recognises the protagonist's skills and offers to teach him some tricks while he's still in town if the protagonist goes to the show every evening. Occam gives him an all access pass in order to do so. The magician then proceeds to disappear into a mirror that gives the protagonist an unpleasant feeling.

6) The protagonist proceeds to watch Occam's shows, now with the full access pass, without his mother knowing and attends Occam's evening teachings. The protagonist is still baffled by what he saw the first time meeting the magician (the mirror disappearing trick) and believes it may have something to do with the Occam Transporter Act. The protagonist hides in Occam's backstage area in order to see how he does it without angering the magician by asking him the secret to his trick. The protagonist observes that the same knocking used in the Occam Teleporter Act is used in the mirror disappearing trick as well. He mimics the knocks Occam used on the mirror and follows him through.

7) The protagonist arrives in a pitch black dimension/space where it is almost impossible to see anything (as it is all black). The protagonist follows some glowing footprints that be believes belong to Occam. He finds Occam who promptly leaves the dimension/space, the protagonist is upset because he fears he will be trapped there. The protagonist is noticed by dark and evil creatures/shapes/figures. He is then promptly pulled through a wall and back into his own world/dimension. Occam Cobb had saved him.

8) They are now in a hotel a fair distance away from the Theatre Occam performs in. Ocean explains the trick, and how it is based on some pretty evil occultist magic, The Occam Teleporter is based off of a cult magic. It's not just a cheap trick, it's real magic. Occam then goes further to explain that the volunteers from the audience in each of his shows are actually sacrifices to the figures who tried to attack the protagonist in the dark dimension. The volunteers enter human but do not leave that way, hence why the light seems to blind and hurt their eyes. Occam and the figures have some kind of deal going, Occam provides them with sacrifices and in return Occam can use their dimension however he pleases. The protagonist essentially tells Occam he is a murderer and should just stop sacrificing people. They argue a bit and the protagonist proclaims that 'if this is where the pursuit of magic takes you then I want none of it'.

9) The next day the Great Occam Cobb performs his last performance and disappears during the Occam Teleported Act. The protagonist attributes this to him standing up to the figures and 'having a true love of magic after all'.

10) Finally, many years later, the protagonist visits a magic show claiming to have The Great Occam Cobb performing there. The protagonist visits, believing it to be a revival attaempt by some ambitious fraud only to find it is in fact Occam Cobb performing. He hadn't aged a day since the last time the protagonist had seen him.

What You Did Right:

The story wasn't actually all that bad. It was easily readable and did not require me to bust out my 'high motivation' song playlist. The story overall kept my attention, and was interesting in both how it was presented and in the overall ideas and concepts. It was a tad long, but I'm not marking you down on that fact; the length is justifiable to a degree (mainly because of the overall timespan and the number of characters you used).

Your characterisation was also quite appealing, your significant characters weren't just there for the sake of plot and were all well developed. I specifically like how each character felt like a different person. You had Johnathan's innocence, Mr Garrett's compassion, the mother's strict reality of responsibility and Occam's conflicting morals and values. Each character had different dialogue styles, and from a writing point of view I respected that. From a reader's point of view I enjoyed the refreshment that it offered from some of the dragging points in the text.

I also liked the plot, which was not all that bad and was clearly thought out for a period of time larger than a day. A magic act that derives its foundation of occult teachings? Very interesting and not something I saw coming (I was expecting the stereotypical 'I traded my soul to the devil').

All in all, nice work.

What You Did Wrong:

In the previous section I mentioned that there were dragging moments in the text, right? At times you were more telling your readers how your character was feeling (ie, unpleasant) rather than showing it. There were also small moments of climax (ie, the protagonist dropping the playing cards and the protagonist trying to shield himself from the figures) that weren't really made climactic. They were just kind of swept over, making the story (at times) flat. The dialogue's action and charisma helped prevent me from skipping sections altogether, but I wouldn't rely on that for other readers. I would consider improving the parts that could be climactic (not blowing them out of proportion, but modifying them with a bit more pace and feeling).

I'm also looking at your spelling and grammar in this story at times and slightly muttering 'whaaaaaat?'. Overall, they're small little mistakes that everyone makes (ie, 'the' is sometimes missing an 'e', 'he' is misspelled as 'she', 'you' is written as 'your', etc.) but they do need attention. I'd reccomended a spelling and grammar checker of some sort (either online or on some writing program you may have access to, Microsoft Word for example).

I come to this point a lot in my reviews, and this statement should be taken with a mountain of salt, but the story isn't all that creepy (I'm a very hard person to creep out, and/or scare). I acknowledge the story's dark themes and its dark fiction style, and I also acknowledge the codes and conventions of the horror genre you were using. However, it just wasn't creepy to me. My belief, based on my reading of the story, is that your story aims to create unease in the reader through the protagonist's doubt of Occam Cobb and the 'unpleasant feeling' his magic gives the protagonist. I think adding more sublte clues into the fact that there's something sinister about Occam's trick rather than just telling us it gives the protagonist an unpleasant feeling may aid your story here. As well as playing more on that fear of having your sense of sight compromised (a concept that is terrifying for those of us currently with great sight).

Overall:

The story was good and kept my attention, something that I don't commonly get to say in my reviews for longer stories on The Writer's Workshop (mostly because I try to avoid them). The dialogue and characterisation were quite pleasing to the eye. It does need work in regards to: the fear element, a few stale points in the rising tension and the spelling and grammar (but I'm sure you'll cover that easily). Anyway, that's really all I have to say on the matter.

Good luck in your writing adventure!