Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29633972-20160815171550/@comment-27905100-20170107082838

Resdraon wrote: Can't tell if troll or just really stupid. Although I agree somewhat, this story could be good given a complete overhaul and rewrite. So far this is basically a plot summary of an actual story. You have just said what happens with no real interesting things the reader can latch onto and keep reading throughout.

I've been using this a lot lately on this forum, but do you remember in grade school with the show-ie don't tell-ie thing? In case you don't, which example is better: A, or B?

A: The Counts long, sharp teeth slid in smoothly to the unsuspecting humans jugular vein, a sticky mess of blood spilling out as the vampire began to drink.

B: The vampire grabbed the person and bit them.

A creates the more vivid image, right? If you haven't guessed, that's show-ie. Yours, though, is emphatically B. It might be even lower, as there's no character no events or anything to tell us what any character is. You need to rewrite this completely in a lot more detail with more events to make this even close to being accepted.

Sorry if I was too hard on you. Just had to relay my opinions. And, remember, we were all in your position once. We just needed criticism and a helping hand to get our stories up. Good luck with this.