Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31858133-20170428131724/@comment-24101790-20170428134215

Starting with the basics, you should post your story using source mode as this has coding errors that make the story look like this: "The police recovered her body soon enough. Some pot-addicted teens out for god knows what found it first. "Damn, that must've been one hell of a suprise." Although in my opinion, I don't think it should've been found. She could've stayed out in that decaying field, and decay along with the weeds. "

Additionally the last paragraph needs to be broken up quite a bit. A typical paragraph is 5-10 sentences long. Any shorter and it comes off as anemic and any longer appears blocky.

You also need to space out dialogue so too speakers are never on the same paragraph. Lines like this: "I respond by saying "Im ashamed of nothing, You?". Alli says "Nah." I reply with "Thats good, I guess...because we make the world."" mess with the story flow and make it difficult to understand who's saying what and with what inflection.

Onto the mechanical errors. There are quite a lot of wording, punctuation, capitalization, and story issues here.

Wording: "The yellowish, decaying grass was spatterd (sic) with droplets of blood. ...The streaks of red, they pierced the field of decaying grass and weeds.", "She could've stayed out in that decaying field, and decay along with the weeds", etc. It feels repetitive to use the same descriptors multiple times in a short period. ""Let me geet deep on this""

Punctuation: You tend to leave out proper punctuation before dialogue. "Alli puts her phone down and looks at me saying(,/:) "Why are you so quiet today?"", "I respond by saying "Im ashamed of nothing, You?"", "I reply with "Thats good, I guess...because we make the world."", etc. You also leave a lot of punctuation outside of quotations or forget to punctuate dialogue. ""Thats what she said..".", "Let me geet deep on this(comma missing)", ""Im ashamed of nothing, You?".", etc.

Punctuation issues cont.: A lot of contractions and possessive words are missing proper punctuation. "given god(')s grace to do what is right."", ""Im (I'M)ashamed of nothing", ""Thats what she said.."", "Did god not give me the grace to do whats right?", etc.

Capitalization: You forget to capitalize words that should be. "I breathed as if i had finished some complicated", "As im getting ready for bed", "Did he possibly give me the grace to think what i was doing is what?", etc. You also improperly capitalize dialogue a number of times. "I look over at her, "god (God) ...she's adorable".", "ashamed of nothing, You (you)?", etc.

Story: There are other mechanical issues, but I think focusing on the story is more important than cataloging all the issues. The largest issue is that this isn't effectively told. I know it's third in the series, but each piece does need to be standalone and engaging. This story amounts to basically a murder and a couple waxing philosophically. There isn't a lot here to engage the reader.

Story issues cont.: You also shift tenses from past tense ("I stood over her now lifeless body, a puddle of blood formed around her. The yellowish, decaying grass was spatterd with droplets of blood. I walked off") to present tense ("She scoots closer to me and asks me an odd question, coming from her") without much explanation. Additionally since the large paragraph at the end is in both tenses, it makes it more confusing to follow.

Story issues cont.: There are other plot issues, but I'd like to focus on the sequencing. Parts of the story feel like a checklist ("It's Friday now, and I'm with Alli. Her and I are hanging out after school, like we always would. We were hanging out in some empty lots around her house. We were laying in the grass; almost kinda staring at the clouds above us.") Without descriptors it feels more like a sequence of events rather than a narrative. I'm sorry, but this has quite a lot of issues that result in the story being below our quality standards. I would strongly suggest completely revising this if you plan on making a deletion appeal as the errors are not only mechanical, but plot-based as well.