Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25230922-20150703071130/@comment-25230922-20150703211032

Banningk1979 wrote: Alright, just got done reading this one, and now let's dig a bit deeper and see what lies under the surface.

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way. As far as grammar goes, I spotted a few, but really I am more interested in talking plot. So, if you comb through it again, you'll find that at one point you referred to Redd as Red, and there was a couple of spots where seems you left out a word or two. The errors should be easy to find.

Now, on to the juicy part, the plot. You certainly laid some great foundation here for what I have no doubt will be a great mystery/suspense story. You have all the right elements already set in place, a wealthy family (lots of room to add dimensions there, like the source of their wealth...etc etc) you've got the old manor (never have I met a big old house that didn't have some dark secrets hiding within) and of course, the loyal servant with a moral/ethical dilema to work through himself.

So, you've certainly set a beautiful table to bring out one hell of a meal. The sky is the limit for you as far as how you wish to develop out the plot. You've got a lot of great elements to build on, so you shouldn't have too many issues getting this one off the ground.

As far as critiques go, there really isn't much to say against what you've got here. The main thing that grabbed me, and maybe you'll want to address it, maybe you won't, is the name of the butler, Redd.

The scene where James is collecting rocks to shape with his pal Redd reminded me of another scene I've encountered where a troubled man, also accused of killing his wife, walked around picking up rocks with a wise, older man, also named Redd.

Need a hint, let's just say that Redd started to sound a lot like Morgan Freeman in my mind as I read this. Yeah, Shawshank Redemption. You come very close to recreating a scene exactly like the one found in that book/movie. Perhaps you've never read the book or watched the movie, so in case you haven't, the rock collecting scene was almost identical. I personally have no qualms with that, but I could see some literature snobs reading this later and making the connection. Perhaps you could consider changing the butler's name, or perhaps removing the rock collecting portion of the story altogether, unless of course, that is a major plot point, in which case, you might just want to rename the butler.

Other than that though, I think you have a great piece of writing on your hands here. Keep going with it, and please keep me in the loop as you write. This has caught my interest, and I am very curious to see where it goes next.

Excellent job! The rock collecting scene was actually a homage to Shawshank Redemption - though I didn't think it was completely identical. Redd's name is also a homage to that same story, as when I created the butler's character, I imagined someone that was Morgan Freeman-esque. Seriously. I can't help but to read this in the sound of his voice. xD

But anyhow, this is largely due to the fact that I had just gotten finished reading the Shawshank Redemption when I came up with the idea for this story.