Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25960284-20150103020037/@comment-25959111-20150103141731

I liked the concept, a wee bit cliché, but I get that this is your first one.

Btw, grammar is, well, not so good.

"...appropriate assigned duty..." This should have a comma

"something caught the corner of my eye," This makes it sound like someting literally caught your eye.

" A quick look couldn’t do no harm," Double negative

" I banked as hard as I could," It should be 'banged'

"... someones attention..." Don't forget possesion

" Possibly there was an exit through there," Either add a comma, or rearrange it; It sounds funny.

" them was a bunch of dresses," It should be 'there'.

" I thought I should leave since I was breaking the rules and entering a room with a keep out sign but my love for Disney and history took over." Run on sentence.

" The dress I was touching was Snow whites." Possesion

<span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;">" <span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;font-size:12pt;">I didn’t hear it close?" Shouldn't be a question mark.

<span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;font-size:12pt;">" <span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;">Unless they came in after." Fragment

<span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;">"v <span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;">ersion of I got no strings from pinocchio." Italicize the song

...

<span style="color:rgb(202,202,203);font-family:Helvetica;">Sorry for sounding like a grammar nazi, but with these many errors, it could very well be deleted. Overall, it is a decent first pasta! Good luck with posting this! :)

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