Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20160425200614/@comment-25226524-20160426214158

Even though I'm not a fan of the Alien films (don't roll your eyes), I really like the story. The young narrator worked well. When I give examples of alternate phrasing, I realize you'll want to put it in your own words, but I sometimes can't find the words to properly convey what I'm saying without giving an example. Here are some things to ponder:

grownups continued to lie to us with promises that they would keep us safe. They told us help was on its way, but they lied.-I'm just not crazy about having lie and lied so close together like that. Maybe it works since it's a kid, but it caught my attention. Maybe "They told us help was on its way, but it wasn't"?

I didn't have to rely on my memory of the winding and turning tunnels of the ventilation system to find the correct room. The screams echoed loud and clear.- I would use an em dash rather than that period (correct room—the screams), and I would also tack those two sentences onto the paragraph before rather than have them start that new one. I think both paragraphs would benefit. See if you don't agree.

My daddy told me once; it was the very first and oldest building in the colony.-This just doesn't flow right. Maybe "My daddy once told me it was the very first and oldest building in the colony."

nighttime (one word)

there was no vents (were)

duri-glass (not sure, but thought I'd ask if this should be "dura-glass" as in "durable"?)

The attack on our shelter grew even louder even more so.-I think you can see the issue.

battle cries of victory cried out from alien lungs-I'd say "cried" needs to be changed. Maybe "...victory roared from alien lungs."

men flew across the room into equipment and consoles.-Just not quite specific enough. Especially the word "equipment".

Those who had struggled or capable of fending them off were cornered and subdued by groups of monsters.-Besides there being a "were" missing before "capable", I don't like "groups of monsters" for some reason. You know the narrator much better than I do, so maybe I'm wrong.

Hand or foot was torn and severed from their body.-That doesn't work for me. I would go all plural: Hands and feet torn from their bodies. Plug that in to that paragraph and see if you don't like it.

Its lips were curled up in a demonic snarl that exposed fangs and large teeth.-This hit me as a bit too generic. Again, it could be the young narrator throwing me off, but regardless, it stood out.

There were some other small things here and there, but mostly things that you'll catch in proofreading. Again, I really enjoyed it. Hopefully this is the type of feedback you were looking for.