Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150606141940/@comment-24101790-20161027035109

Sorry for being so wishy-washy, I managed to find a bit of time tonight so I thought I'd give it a read-over. As this has been reviewed a few times before, I didn't find too many issues. Although I did find a few things that should probably be corrected:

"The therapist called and said, (not sure if a comma is needed there) you were absent from two sessions.”"

"With the sense of urgency from hearing the rain fall outside, he left out for high school." I'm not quite sure why rain brings on that sense of urgency or reminds him that he's running late. This might need some re-working or adding on to clarify.

"Passed (Past) midnight he dropped asleep"

"In the flashes, he saw his shadow on the wall as the glare threw another shadow vividly on the wall, which his gaze never left" Avoid using "shadow" twice to prevent repetition.

"Emilia then addressed the red mark on the front of his neck, stating it’s (its) resemblance to Arnold’s bruise."

"“How the hell can you say that?” She ("she" as it's a continuation of the sentence I believe) confronted him face-to-face"

Story:

"Early the following day, Alexander was casually attired in clothes akin to his age group." If his clothing is mentioned, it might help to specify what he's wearing. Just saying that it's similar to clothes other kids wear needs a little more focus (jeans, t-shirt etc). It doesn't need a lot of focus, but leaving it at its current wording feels a bit nondescript.

"“Alex, calm down. If you give it another chance with some effort, it could help,” she said. “I don’t want you to attempt suicide again like when you were twelve.”" As the incident is brought up a line later (and fleshed out later), I would remove its inclusion here to make it seem less like exposition and more organic as it feels a bit brash for her to bring up the suicide attempt so bluntly.

It has a nice Lovecraftian feel to it and while I couldn't get behind the narrative voice most of the time as it felt a bit too formal, it does lend itself nicely to the type of story you're writing. I really didn't see any glaring issues or anything that's problematic outright. That being said, given the story's size, it may be marked for review when it gets posted to give admins time to review it so it doesn't slip through the cracks. I enjoyed it although sometimes I felt like the narrator was a bit too formal at times which made the story seem a bit more wooden at parts.