Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27724716-20160914031930/@comment-27724716-20160914040645

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Capitalization: "So, I was exploring on E-Bay (ebay) not too long ago" Punctuation: "“What did this mean?”, “Did Rare actually make this?" As these are two joining thoughts, the separate quotations and comma are not needed.

Wording: "Than (then) I found it.", "I took my seat on the sofa, and grabbed my controller, and took my first good look at the game." (adding and multiple times in a single sentence should be avoided at all costs. "When this screen was displayed, it lepton (sic) out a loud white noise, this startled me at first.", ETC.

Story issues: "my little brother ruined my old one, by spitting in it constantly, even though I told him he shouldn’t be playing it." How exactly does the end of that sentence relate to the second part? It seems like the cartridge being spit on is key here. There are a lot of plot points here that feel like they'd benefit from more explanation here.

Story issues cont.: "I heard about copies of “12 Tales: Conker’s Quest” being larger than normal ones, so this caught my eye, and for only $20, this was a deal of a life-time. Around a week and a half later" This seems to follow the relatively formulaic story of cursed games being purchased online for a song.

Cliches: "This seemed odd at first, but considering this was supposed to be a beta, this wasn’t surprising." The concept of the first issue being dismissed as a glitch has been overused in a lot of stories and seems really generic now.

"His guts flew everywhere, and let out cries for mercy." His guts or Conker? Regardless, it still feels like that formulaic escalation of unnecessary violence. (which is ironic considering the game originally intended to end with Conker's suicide over the events of the game. Feel free to look it up.

Cliches cont.: "I tried to hit the reset button, but that didn’t work." Really feels like an overused trope by now. Look up any gaming story and a majority of them involve the protagonist trying to shut off the game but being unable to do so.

Conclusion: I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here (some of which I was unable to mention due to space/schedule constraints.). I think the only way you'll really have a chance at appealing this story's deletion is to re-write it from the ground up. There are a massive amount of mechanical and story issues here and reuploading them with minimal changes really hasn't helped much. Mmm... I see. I'll take your advice, and try to correct my mistakes, and re-writing it won't be that big of a deal, especially since I didn't take very long to make this (I rushed), and I left out a lot of details I originally intended to include. I do see your point on how it is cliche like, so I will definately try to change up/remove those points. Thanks for your review.

And by the way, while Conker commiting suicide seems likely, this is easily proven wrong by the fact that Rare actually planned on making a sequel, originally named "Conker's Other Bad Fur Day", but when Microsoft bought the company, they completely cancelled it. As seen here.