Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27383608-20151213005701/@comment-27383608-20151218222710

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

Re: Story
It was deleted for not being up to quality standards. Starting with the basics, there are some minor coding issues. You should really use source mode when publishing to prevent this. T. You should also space out dialogue so two messages from two different people aren't on the same lines (One space between them is standard)

Capitalization issues: ""Once you watch it, it's all over. That's what happened to me. I'm dead." They (they) replied", "Either way, something wrong will take place..." They (they) replied.", ""Yo, what did you wanna discuss?" He (he) ask", ""For real?" He asks", etc. etc. Unless you are starting a new sentence or using a proper noun, words do not need capitalization after dialogue. "Civil war (War)" You should also specify which war.

Punctuation issues: Apostrophes missing from accents "You're defensive (')cause" If you're going to drop a letter, you have to use an apostrophe to denote the missing letters. I would also limit your use of ellipses, overusing them (25+ times) can make a story feel melodramatic.

Wording issues: There are a number of broken/incomplete sentences here. "Trails of blood on the floor.", "Guts and brains everywhere.", "Eyeballs hung on forks.", etc. Awkward wording: "That's why I killed 38 people! Even mother!"", "I involuntarily take out the knife in my pocket, direct my arms forward and face the knife towards his face", "Before he can react, my hand holding the knife faces me", etc. Redundancy issues: "face the knife towards his face" really avoid using the same word multiple times in a sentence.

Story issues: You shift from telling the story in past tense to present tense: "I was from Threttenswine, a very under-represented area in London, where all classes of people lived" to ""What are you doing? This ain't no joke, fam." He shockingly says, stepping backwards." The plot feels very rushed in the latter parts and really needs to be paced some. The protagonist's descent into insanity is also really rushed and as the major focus in the later sections, this weakens the plot. Finally a lot of the gore just comes off as being more for shock value than focused on building the atmosphere of the story. There are quite a number of issues here.

In reply to the Deletion Appeal review, here's my edited version. Thanks man.

The truth is, what you think the web is - Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Wikipedia, Tumblr, Reddit, Runescape - is just the tip of the iceberg. They're all only about 2% of the entire World Wide Web. The rest of the web you ask? Rumours say that it's just a bunch of unindexed pages that search engines are unable to get a grip on in the regular web. But in reality, it goes even deeper and darker than that. I was from Threttenswine, a very under-represented area in London, where all classes of people lived - the poor, the rich, everyone. Multiculturalism thrived, and at every corner there were people of all types of colours, cultures, nationalities and religious backgrounds. People showed great unity despite the chilling threats of terrorism around the corner, helping each other out - just having each other's back basically. I attended one of the few schools around the area - Mead Earls was its name. I was a lone wolf, refusing to be a follower, and generally did things my own way. Some people thought of me as a loner, but when they saw how I acted in class, the top-notch grades I constantly received and my fearlessness of a threat, they realised that I'd changed from my earlier persona of being a happy-go-lucky kid laughing at every joke to a serious student who never once smiled or cried - once the joke of the year, then the kid who no one dared mess with ever again. But it didn’t matter what they thought of me. I abandoned my mates a few times to go sit alone and read ‘Berserk’ or ‘Another’, or entered the art department to continue the project I was far-behind in. The truth was, I stopped considering school a part of my real life. I had assumed the happy-go-lucky persona to escape from it all, to chill out and forget everything else. But then I changed, realising that school wasn't my private life, realising that to harden myself - to strengthen my feelings - I had to face the facts. I had to speak back and not let my anger speak out for me anymore, but incorporate it into my natural being.

Enough of that for now, back to the story at hand: it was a very rainy Friday after school, the pavements were a slight reflection of the sky, layered with puddles but tainted with fallen leaves and moderate filth. Teenagers were hurrying home with umbrellas in hand while the adults at the bus stops looked on with frustration, wary of the trouble that the teenagers would bring with them once they entered the approaching buses. That, added with the troubled traffic, must've really ticked them off. The petrichor was deeply seducing, I thought to myself as I started to ignore everything around me, rushing to the place I'd wanted to go to for a week. Despite having to return home by 7, I insisted on walking. The day before was when I heard of it for the first time, the Dark Web, from one of my 'abandoned' mates - he told me he'd heard of it from an anonymous message, and told me what it was. It piqued my interest - the fact that the real web is hundreds of times bigger than our current web is, I don't know, weird. But think about it - 500 times bigger than a ton of Facebooks, Reddits and Tumblrs. It’s interesting, really. He also spent a while talking about something gibberish to do with the epitome or embodiment of evil. He was a crazy guy. As I passed the huge Tesco, I looked back and reminisced the memories of my childhood associated with the place. It sucked how they replaced the old bus stops with new, modern ones, how they replaced the concrete ground surrounding the bus stops with sand and aggregate, and lastly how the Tesco placed a ban on free plastic bags and requires the customers to now buy them instead! In front of me, on the troubled road, was a crushed, grey car - an accident; the cause of the busy traffic, I thought. I done good by choosing to walk. As usual, I didn't feel any emotions in reaction to this and minded my own business, getting lost into my thoughts again. There. This was it - the giant Threttenswine Blue Community Centre, which housed the Michael Gramous Library. The 'nostalgia' all struck me at once. But then I remembered that I was dead on the inside - I'd lost the feelings of nostalgia, which were replaced by mere goosebumps lasting only for a few seconds. I was last standing outside of this library 3 years ago, I thought to myself in a daze. That long, huh? It still looked mostly the same as it did all of those years back though, a clear contrast to its modern surroundings. Once inside, the warmth made me instantly regain my senses to which then I went straight to the counter, leaving the ‘Lord Loss’ book inside the 'return box'. The inside of the library had changed a lot – that’s why they say to never judge a book by its cover. As I walked towards the ‘teenage room’, I expressionlessly stared at the woman sitting down behind the counter. She stared back at me, left eyebrow raised. Then I remembered – she always used to help me with using the computers back when I was a child. My favourite staff here. She probably forgot about me.

Computers still lined the blue tables by the mini-wall, which shielded them from the rest of the room, and surprisingly no one was using any of them. The only people there were two teens examining books and comics at the back of the room. The back of the room was mostly the same, but disappointingly they removed the rotating black metal ‘bookcases’ which carried tapes. Checking the time, it was 4:30pm - I had until 7pm to return home; it only took me 15 minutes to get home from here. So I decided to use one of the computers, by the corner where it would be harder to see what I was doing. Logging in, I waited for the ‘agreements’ page to come up (which were a set of rules for using these computers), my heart beating slowly, as if awaiting a drama performance. Once it showed up, I clicked "Confirm" to which the page disappeared followed by another long wait. My index finger began tapping on the metal table, the nail making impatient noises upon collision. FLASH. Had a purple screen just shown up? All of a sudden, the screen went pitch black and the lights on the computer disappeared - shut down? "What the fu-" Before I could contemplate why the other computers didn’t do the same if it was an electricity issue, the screen turned back on and the lights reappeared, the former somehow having landed on a ‘Tor Project’ website - Tor Browser? I quickly glanced backwards, around the room and then back. No one noticed. I felt like leaving the room, before something hit me. Wasn't the Tor Browser something to do with the Deep Web? Despite knowing that these computers never allow the downloading of external applications, I carried on. "Download Tor Browser". I clicked it. "Installing..." Waiting impatiently, I stared at the ceiling, contemplating about what just happened and how I managed to bypass the administrative controls to install the browser. My heart was still beating slowly, and a few minutes later the download was complete, which I opened. FLASH. Once again: purple screen, pitch black, no lights, then back on. As I expected, I was somewhere else now: in a strange website within the Tor Browser. It'd completely skipped over the installing and opening processes. My mouth opened for a few seconds, but then closed; I halted myself from looking back, fearing the unknown. The website had a black background with a welcome message, written in big, bold and white letters; the font was Chiller. A cold chill charged down my back. "Welcome to the Deep Blue, Lupin." That was my nickname. “Oh shi-“ An eerie music started playing quietly, but loud enough for the room to hear. Earphones on, I now started noticing crackling noises in the background of the music. For the first time after a very, very long time I felt an emotion: fear.

Suddenly, the message 'reorganised' to form: "Ever heard of the Deep Tape, Lupin?" Deep tape? It kept on reorganising: "N0?" - distorted screaming and shrieking noises started playing simultaneously. I felt like taking my earphones off - but then I remembered that I'm not a coward; in fact, I was interested. "Do you want to kn0w?" Yes, I thought to myself. "You will kn0w soon." Was this a hacker? "N0." - then the music and all of the noises halted; the screen turned off and the lights vanished. Then they returned back to normal - had the site just replied to my thoughts? Google - why was I on Google now? Then I realised why. Quickly, I typed up and searched what the ‘Deep Tape’ was. Instead of seeing a list of results, another black-background page appeared, seemingly a drug-selling site, with images of drugs and their prices lined up vertically by the right side of the page. So, these are the types of things which inhabit the deep, dark web, I thought. Then, out of nowhere, a white chat box appeared on the bottom left of the page. I still struggled to look back - fear was controlling me. "Is this Lupin?" I hesitated to reply - how did these people know my nickname? "Don't worry about that! We've got more important matters to deal with." Even my thoughts weren't safe. "Did you visit the ‘Deep Tape’ website?” “Oh dear, yes you did..." Composing myself, I replied. "Who is this? What's going on? What is the Deep Tape?" The anonymous messenger replied, "You've signed your own death wish. You should've left the Dark Web when you had the chance. Now you'll become like me, hahaha… unless..." "What is this Deep Tape?! Unless what?" I quickly replied. "Once you watch it, it's all over. That's what happened to me. I'm dead." they replied. "You watched it?" I enquired, ignoring his supposed joke. "What is it?" "Humanity's evil. All collected in a tape. There was originally only one. Now there's three. Once you watch it, it blanks its memory, as if it lives. Who created the original? Who knows?” "What does it have to do with me?" I enquired. "I watched the first one, it blanked its memory afterwards. That left one more tape out there, which spawned from somewhere no one knows exists. But now there's three all together, including the blank ones. Somehow. Hahaha... The same thing exists in each tape. I was ignorant of what to do after watching the tape. That's why I'm here now. Either way, something wrong will take place." they replied. "What does this have to do with me!" I impatiently repeated. "Soon, you'll come across a black tape. It's human nature to venture into the unknown. Also, 'divine intervention’. Hahaha... But remember - once watched, another spawns. It's up to you to decide what you do with the spawned tape. Or rather. The idea of the tape. Hahaha..." Freaked out, I continuously pressed 'back', leaving the drug-selling page, but no matter how many times I pressed it, I still stayed in the Google page. It wouldn’t go back. Just as I lost my patience and pressed the computer's 'Off' button, I glimpsed the URL of the page. A really weird combination of letters and - "Onion?" What’s ‘.onion’ doing in the URL in place of the usual ‘.com’ or ‘.co.uk’, I asked myself silently. The Google logo then distorted and transformed to ‘Grams’. Underneath the logo there were a few words. OFF. Checking the time on my phone, it was exactly 6:50pm - ten minutes until the library closed and until I had to get home. Damn it, man! I completely lost track of the time. But I still didn't have the guts to look back - was something behind me? I slowly started turning my head backwards, then quickly stood up and started scurrying out the room. Wait a minute. Through my peripheral vision I spotted something on one of the empty book shelves. Something black. Turning again, I approached it.

It was a tape - a pitch-black one. How did it get there? I was sure that the shelves in this part of the room were empty when I first arrived. That’s really weird. For some reason I couldn't resist the urge - picking it up, I flipped it over. It was titled "Deep Tape III" via a white sticker. I was right; it's the third tape. Should I, or should I not? My mind started to hurt as if I had a migraine, followed by me leaving with the tape. That’s when I realised: something had come while I was refusing to look back.

Once I got home, I ignored the truck-load of complaints I received for being late, heading straight to my room, locking it and sitting down on my bed. Punching the wall behind me, I realised that my migraine had gone. After a few minutes of reviewing what just all happened, I slowly took the tape out of my bag, holding it with both fear and interest. What sort of footage lurked inside the tape? "Humanity's evil? What does that mean?" Thank God I still had that old VHS-compatible television. Once it was ready, I took a VHS tape out of it which was surprisingly inside. 'Enter The Dragon'. Memories. The Deep Tape was in. This was it. I sat back against the wall and steeled myself for what was coming, tightening my fists. My heart began pounding slower and slower, but louder and louder - so much that it quaked my ears. "The Deep-Dark Tape III" - realistic sounds of: women screaming in fear, flesh being violently torn apart, children shrieking and wailing, men mockingly laughing, and prayers being chanted in Latin. ...

I wake up and check the time - it's 2pm! A day had passed - I think I missed school! I repeat, "Oh crap! Oh crap!" several times, but then I realise it's the weekend. I sit upwards, hands scratching my scalp, then stand up to stretch. "My bad. Thank Go-“ All of a sudden, my heart starts trembling and my mind instantly starts to fill up with gruesome images - no way! I involuntarily collapse back onto the bed, grasping my pounding head with my quivering hands. and convulse aggressively, chills erupting throughout my entire body while air struggles to enter my body as I violently gasp for breath - it wasn't a dream; it wasn't a nightmare. What happened the day before was real; what I saw humanity do over countless centuries - it was all real. "Humanity doesn't deserve to exist!" I violently gasp, acknowledging that I let something out when I watched that tape - something that shouldn’t be in this world. I then fall into a deep sleep.

I wake up with a huge gasp, now recovered. I then begin to slowly recollect what happened before I fell unconscious – what I watched; what I saw. "It was real, it was real, it was real." I constantly repeat like a mad man. "Mother!" I quickly lift the covers, speedily push myself out of the messy bed and rapidly run to open the door, briefly realising it wasn't locked any more, leave the room and rush down the stairs to the entrance of the kitchen. No lights. Closed - it’s never closed, and it's too quiet to be normal. What could've happened? Was it to do with yesterday after I 'blacked out'? I don't remember what happened after that. I slowly approach the door; the door’s literally right in front of me - why won't I open it? What lies behind it? I know something's not right! I cautiously feel the door, careful not to open it, then go back. As I gaze up and down the door, unsure of opening it, my peripheral vision spots something - I look at the floor. Blood. "Oh, God." I quietly gasp. I... I should've never watched the tape. It... it let something out. Was this what the anonymous messenger warned me about? I carefully put my left ear onto the door. I hear something - running water. That’s very creepy; fear flows throughout my entire body, forcing me to not open the door. But then I glare at the blood and think of my mother’s smile - I can’t be a coward. I quickly open the door and I instantly go silent. Trails of blood all over the floor. Guts and brains everywhere. Eyeballs hung on forks. Bloody teeth all swirling in the water of the sink's running tap - the source of the noise. As dumbstruck as I am, I secretly feel a bit of pleasure as I leer around the kitchen. I suddenly puke. After I recover, I realise something - I see no trace of my mother’s body or his. "So these are… Mother..." My brain starts to heat up with boiling anger and excruciating pain. The door behind me suddenly shakes and then closes, and I don't remember anything else. When I regain my consciousness, it’s another rainy day. The pavements are a slight reflection of the sky, layered with puddles but tainted with fallen leaves and moderate filth. Wait, what? I start to notice that I'm walking through the route which I take to go to school - except, there's no school today. It's Sunday. I never traverse through these streets in my spare time unless I’m going to school. Why am I here, taking this specific course?

While I amble, my eyes constantly shift from one place to another, as if they’re looking for something, until they fixate on a nearby Sony store, with a TV inside showing the news. As I subconsciously approach the store, I stare at the subtitles from the outside and learn that something horrible happened. Thirty-seven bodies were found piled up in Blue Wood, a town 10 minutes from here! That’s so close! What could’ve caused this? Why am I focused on this store particularly? Was it to do with what I let out?

As I involuntarily turn the corner to go through the lonely road leading to school, I begin to recollect some details, for some reason ignoring the sudden turn. It turns out that I’d called up a mate and asked him to meet me up outside of school. For what reason must I have done this? I stare at the sky, wondering what the hell is going on? I then look straight forward to focus on the distant school when I remember what the anonymous messenger told me - that I could save myself if I did something. Do what? They mentioned something about the tape or idea of the tape, and that if I didn't do this thing, I would become like the anonymous messenger - dead? I don't want to die yet. I've got so much to do with my life. Fear and paranoia start to possess me - is something going to kill me? A few minutes away from the school building, I notice that my pocket feels incredibly heavy today. I place my hand inside my trousers’ left pocket only to feel something cold and sharp - a knife? I never carry a knife! Why would I be carrying a knife? Suddenly I remember something. Yesterday I'd found out a way to save myself by solving the anonymous messenger's riddle – it was so simple. I had to pass it, like a chain letter. Not the Deep Tape - but the idea of the newly-spawned Deep Tape IIII. I don't know for sure if it will work, but it’s my only chance - if I don't, the thing that I let out will kill me. If I do, it may prey on the new victim instead. As I arrive towards the school building, I see no one there – it’s completely empty. Where is he? I look around – there’s still no one anywhere. “Yo, you here?” I shout, rotating around the place. No answer. But then my peripheral vision aids me once again – I notice a strange figure, a guy, staring at me from the shadows of a nearby tree. Before I get closer, he unveils himself from the shade and approaches me. It’s my mate – that was a crazy way of making an appearance. I halt to face him when my brain suddenly starts to heat up again - this time out of pure anger. I remember now - my fists clench tightly as he approaches me, and I feel like destroying him off the face of the Earth. He was the 'abandoned' mate who started this all - he told me about the Deep Web. Now that I think of it, he did talk about a tape which showed humans as the embodiment of evil - but he never told me the name of it. If he hadn't told me anything, my mother wouldn't have died and those 37 people would still be living and breathing right now! Wait - no, no, no! I completely forgot all about what happened to mother in the kitchen! My brain starts heating up even more, and this time even my heart starts to pain. Damn you, I’m going to obliterate you for doing this to me and my mother! We didn’t even do anything to you! What did she do to deserve this? I’m about to cry, for the first time after several years, out of frustration and sadness, when the pain abruptly ceases. Anger replaces all of the pain, and I start to feel emotionally numb - adapted - towards the deaths of the 38 people. My mindset changes. I place my burning hands inside my pockets, my left hand stroking the knife’s blade, ready to use it. It doesn't matter, what happened to those 38 people - they deserved it. Hahaha… humans need to be wiped out – those 38 people were my first step to this happening. Either way, the fact still stands that he led to this all; I need to save myself before I aspire for such greatness - he'll be the next victim. "Yo, you look kinda weird. You okay? Anyway, what did you wanna discuss?" he asks - my nostrils flare up. "Remember the Dark Web?" "Yeah, man. The one I told you about." he replies - my breathing quickens. "Remember that 'embodiment of evil' tape you were talking about? I watched it." "For real?" he asks - my fists clench tighter. "Don't ever watch it man, what I saw in there, it changed me." I say dramatically, using reverse psychology. "What? Can't be that bad. Calm down, man." he laughs - my toes constrict. "You don't understand. You haven't seen the tape. We should all die." "All? Who? You and me? What’s happened to you? You’re acting autistic." he mocks - my teeth ram together. "No, I mean all of us. Humans. You'd think so too if you saw the tape!" "The tape is a hoax. You probably saw something else." he says - my left eyebrow raises. "It's the video they label "Deep Tape", or the "Deep-Dark Tape". I saw every single minute of it." "The Deep Tape. It's real? That good of a flick, huh?" he jokes - my expression turns dead serious. "No! The human race has committed very heinous crimes against their own. The tape is a compilation, documenting the most unspeakable acts of all." "Is it?” he pauses, “I knew it. So you actually watched it." He peculiarly smiles. "So many horrifying things marching across that giant screen. You don't know how we really are, what we're capable of. I saw it all. If you saw it, you'd think differently, too. You'd understand we're doomed. We need to die. And so we have to-" "Have to what? Have to get us all killed?" he shouts. "That's right. You're defensive ‘cause you don't know the truth. Humanity only seems good to you because you were born in a peaceful time, but war's our nature. It'll always come back. Have you ever seen hundreds of frightened people, standing in line, waiting to be killed? Have you seen horsemen raid and lay waste to a village, dance on the bodies of their victim, crushing them as they celebrate victory, chanting religious prayers? Then create countless pyramids out of their skulls? Then feeding their bodies to the crows? Have you ever seen thousands of people being pillaged to the point of starvation? Then families having to resort to cannibalism, killing and cooking their weakest child to feed the rest of the family? Have you ever seen a gigantic bomb wipe away millions who had never even picked up a weapon? A civil war, where a mother is hacked down in front of her child, or a child in front of his mother, whose guts are placed over their mother's neck. And a soldier, breaking up a family by slaughtering the father and taking the mother and daughter as booty, leaving the child as an orphan. And his eyes, enjoying the torture, enjoying the screams of the helpless child as he carelessly leaves. That same mother gives birth to the soldier's child a year later, who grows up with hatred for his mother's people, then joins the army to do the exact same thing his father did to his mother's people. And the daughter, sh-" "You think you're better than those people by judging us to be killed?" "I know I'm not! Neither are you. No human can be! What I just said is nothing compared to what I saw. That's why I killed 38 people! I even killed my own mother!" I reveal, tears streaming down my face. "Then kill yourself! All of you need to die!" Suddenly, I experience a very painful headache again, and ignore his final statement. I involuntarily take out the knife in my pocket, which twinkles under the sunlight, and direct my arms forward to face the knife towards his neck. "What are you doing? This ain't no joke, fam!" he shouts with a stern expression, stepping backwards. "You now know about the tape, hahaha..." No matter what I do, I can't voluntarily do anything significant! Before he can react, my hand holding the knife starts to change directions, slowly twisting towards me as I try my hardest to resist it - but to no avail. As it launches at me, I close my eyes. What did I do to deserve this? I prayed every day before this all happened, I even attended church every Sunday. I picture my mother’s delicate smile, before it all crumbles away and my brain goes overdrive. My eyes open. Sweating like a starved rabid dog, I grind my teeth and push my muscles to the limit, holding the knife back with all of my power, desperate to prevent what I anticipate will happen. Not today! With luck, it works, and I manage to slowly send my arm towards him again. But then, I feel a ‘force’ controlling me, dominating my diminishing power, taking advantage of my full-powered brain to launch the knife towards me, faster than before. I close my eyes once again. I accept death… I hear a maniacal laugh as I collapse to the ground, having stabbed my own neck, which is followed by sounds of leaving footsteps. I feel the ‘force’ which possessed me slowly rising out of me. I now feel very light. As light as I was before all of this mess started. I don’t want to die here. All alone. “Mothe-“ Before I finish the sentence, I force my pupils all the way upwards, paining my eyes, and thankfully glare at his back, then voluntarily smile, “One less human.” "You can't do to those that which has already experienced it, hahaha... something you overlooked, Lupin."