Talk:Bon Bon/@comment-25083225-20150416040148

So, I promised to take a look and review this pasta, so I'm holding to my word ^^

While I like the idea behind the story itself, 6 lines is not enough to convey the character development and the weight of the situation. If I were you, I would have included more detail about the father. He's the one who would be struggling the most in this situation: not only does he have to face the death of his wife along with the child, he has to make sense of why the outside world (represented by the lawyer) isn't cooperating with him. On top of that, he had to convey to his child the situation and how to handle it, when it's clear (due to his frustration) that he doesn't know how to handle it himself. As of now, he seemed really unstable. Even if it was a horrible death, there was no reason given for him to have such a shift in mental condition, since it was implied that he was a good father beforehand. This is obviously not the case though, he must have already been mentally unstable, otherwise he would have though before he took action. That's where you need detail, and why I think the story needs to be longer, either at the beggining or the end, to make sense.

As a personal suggestion, I would also include detail how the child was handling the situation. They seemed like a normal, innocent child in suburban America, so since it's from their point of view, I would suggest making the story into a personal account of the kid trying to rationalize what happened. Perhaps it could be written from the child in the future, when they had enough experience and insight to deduce what was going on and put together all the pieces. That's how you could incoorporate (the child's idea of) the father's thoughts into the story, even though it isn't from Bon Bon's point of view.

so yeah, 6/10

the idea is great, but there isn't enough substance to feel complete. It feels a bit too much like a summary, or a report of what was going on instead of the intended format (a narrative of what happened). If I would add anything, I would include more details about the introspection and thoughts of the the characters, either Bon Bon or his kid.