Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38803136-20190810041939/@comment-35711173-20190810090115

I'm guessing that you meant to imply an American Indian legend, like a Wendigo or Deer Lady. It's not clear what it is. Actually, I am having to guess a lot. Reading it, I am not even sure this is happening on the North American continent. An American would have said 30 yards and ten feet and not 30 meters in diameter and three meter high window, so this very much implies not USA. It could be Canada, or they could be in the UK or New Zealand. Saying something like "17th story apartment in Vancouver" or "Algonquin Provincial Park" or something to roughly set the location.

The creepiness escalates OK, up to around the deer head in the bathroom part. I keep thinking that they are seeing elk. Since we have no idea where they are, it's not unreasonable that what they are hearing are rutting elk, the signs in the trees are from elk, and that it's an elk in the bathroom. It gets better when Conroy gets slapped and smashed. So, how much that's in between do you really need? Could you eliminate everything between "Maybe they went to the bathroom" and "Her words were cut off by a loud cry?" That would help drive the story better.

Towards the end when the whatever is thrashing the camp site, we de-escalate WAY too much. We don't need that many details on how well the camp site was thrashed. Then we go down several notches in creepy as the people are driving away. Maybe the deer that they see are not just deer, but it's a vague worry and you don't mention anything like a chase.

That which doesn't help move the story forward holds it back. With every part, think of this


 * Is it required to establish background (people, location, time?)
 * Do we need it to transmit the emotions of the characters to us?
 * Is it building creepiness?
 * Is it part of that final payoff of horror?

If a sentence or a paragraph doesn't serve those purposes then ask yourself whether it can be chopped way back or even deleted?

Good luck.

Dr. Bob