Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30741304-20170513163321/@comment-28266772-20170523150146

''It is silly thinking that we are playing a game such as hide-and-seek as  [the second ‘as’ reads awkwardly]  high schoolers fixing to graduate. We flee in different directions scouring the house for hiding places. Jason is the seeker first and counts out loud to twenty-five before leaving the master bathroom and beginning his search for us.''

''“Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…” He shouts.  [he]  ''

''I dash upstairs and dive into the first bedroom on the right, the only room with an open door, leaving the light off and door ajar for a small amount of light to trickle in from the hall. I scurry into the closet silencing my footsteps the best I can  [consider inserting ‘while’, I think it’ll help the rhythm]  knowing Jason must be almost done counting by now. I pull out my phone to use for light after bumping into a picture leaning against a shelf to my left and then decide hiding behind it would make for a creative spot. ' [this is all a bit wordy. Maybe start with the bumping and then move onto the light (you should generally write in a simple temporal order and not mix things up like you have done here) and other phrasing like ‘decide hiding behind it would make for a creative spot’ is also cumbersome. ‘and then decide to hide behind it’ is snappier and it works because we don’t really benefit from having the logic for hiding behind the spot said out loud] I squirm into the space between the painting and wall as I hear Jason shout out  [comma; then new line for the following speech] '“Ready or not”. ''

''' [Is there a reason to start out in italics and then switch? It’s a bit confusing] '''

The silence is a deafening ringing [the whole ‘deafening ringing’ is not only clumsy to read, it’s also a bit trite] in my ears at first. After a few minutes, however, I hear the first sounds of Jason rummaging through the room below me. Then I hear him climbing the stairs, and I begin to get nervous as I hear him searching through the rooms adjacent to me.

I remember playing hide-and-seek as a kid. The thrill of the hunt as I search, a lone warrior, seeking out my prey. The only part I didn’t like is that when I hid I always remembered my need to pee while I am hiding. There for a moment in that dark closet, I smiled [smile; keep your tense consistent] re-experiencing my refusal to reveal myself just to use the restroom [this is also clumsy and not very informative].

Footsteps pitter-patter into the room I am in.

No. Wait, is that –? [em dashes shouldn’t follow a space like this] “Crawling?” [single quotes] I think to myself. '[There’s a lot of variety in how writers convey thought but a good way to do it is to italicise i.e. “No. Wait, is that-? ‘Crawling?’ I think to myself”] [Oh yeah that reminds me, ‘think to myself’ is redundant, you rarely think to anyone else]'

I feel every hair on my body stand at attention as the air in the dark closet becomes cold. It chills my blood, and my muscles stiffen. My senses sharpen as I hear what sounds like crunching and sloshing accompanying the footsteps as it enters the room [I thought it’s already in the room?]. The sounds are nauseating, and I place my left hand over my mouth, using my sleeve to muffle my breathing as I struggle to stay quiet.

Then as the sounds are [at] the [their] clearest, and I am sure it is in the doorway of the closet, it stops. Silence stabs at my ears, and my heart is racing [races] as I imagine what could be there. It sounds bizarre and hideous. [so far you’ve been pretty good with descriptions but this one just goes over ground already covered and doesn’t exactly help]

My breaths [did you mean breathing?] become heavier when it begins moving closer. With every rhythmic motion, I hear a popping and crackling of what I can only describe as the sound of joints grinding together [this is a better example of what description should do]. As I feel the weight of a heavy presence closing in on me I realize it knows I am here. The stench of rot fills the closet space, and I grip my face harder attempting to filter out the putrid smell. ‘Please go.’ I think to myself ‘please stop and go away’.

“One, Two. I’m coming for, –” It speaks to me in a muddled throaty voice.

My instinct is screaming to me telling me to get away as fast as I possibly can.

“—you.”

'[you seem a bit muddled on speech and punctuation so Ima stick a quick lesson in here. First, when splitting dialogue to signify an interruption you should use an em dash if they are not going to finish speaking after the interruption and an ellipsis if they will finish. i.e. '

'“Holy shit is that a cam—” cried the man as he was savagely kicked through the toilet stall by a camel. (em dash because he doesn't finish speaking)'

Vs. 

<p class="MsoNormal">'“Jenkins! Jenkins where have you…” mumbled the boss as he turned the corner and came eye to eye with a furious and spatially displaced camel. “…been.” (ellipsis because he finishes)'

<p class="MsoNormal">Also you start a new line but you don’t need to because it’s the same speaker.

<p class="MsoNormal">'Also also, on the point of dashes. An em dash is usually written as two dashes (--) which MS word will typically shorten to a proper em-dash like so – Em dashes are normally written after a word without a space and they never follow other punctuation. They’re different to normal dashes and serve a different purpose and can be used to insert a clause into another sentence like the following.'

<p class="MsoNormal">As the boss scrambled over Jenkins’ hoof-flattened corpse—which still bore a remarkable expression of surprise—he wondered if this had to do with that damned clown.]

<p class="MsoNormal">With all my courage, I push the artwork over and jump up darting out of the closet. I throw open the bedroom door and turn my head to glance into the room as I make my escape out into the hall.

<p class="MsoNormal">‘I didn’t see anything abnormal, but there is no way that it had been my imagination.’ I determine as I continue backing up, distancing myself from the room. '[single quotes, like used here, are also an acceptable way to demonstrate thoughts, but if you do it like this it’s a good idea to format it like speech i.e. end it with a comma and add a tag like (I thought) at the end. Also, this person is in a panic. Do you think that’s reflected in the tone of their thought/speech?]'

<p class="MsoNormal">I jump down the stairs in huge leaps meeting Jason who just happens to be walking into the main entry [atrium is a neat architectural term for this sort of space] followed by Cynthia, and Liam.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Where were you?! We called out that you won like a billion times” [comma] Jason congratulates me with a smile.

<p class="MsoNormal">“D-Did [D-did] you all hear the noise? The thing that was crawling upstairs?” I question shakily, trying desperately to catch my breath. '[‘question shakily’ feels a bit… contrived. If you replace it with ‘ask’ the flow keeps moving and the tag works just as well i.e. “I ask trying desperately to catch my breath.”]'

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">''My girlfriend, Cynthia, and her brother, Mark, are into spooky stuff, and so it is no surprise that they would spook themselves while playing hide-and-go-seek in my new home. We just moved in and my parents are not home for the weekend so I had invited a lot of friends over. Only Cynthia, Mark, and Mark’s friend Liam showed up though.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Mark just won our second game of hide-and-seek, but he didn’t hear me when I was calling “Olly Olly Oxen-free”. He almost seems convincing the way he is huffing and puffing acting frightened after having scurried down the stairs trembling like a little kid.''

<p class="MsoNormal">'[All of the above has left me a little baffled. Is there a reason it’s italicised? Have you switched POV? If so, make it clear. Very clear. Like at least… three times clearer than it is here. There’s nothing wrong with actually putting in headlines that clarify which section belongs to who]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“What?” I reply obviously unaware.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I heard it too” Liam exclaimed '[there should be an exclamation mark if people are exclaiming. That’s what it’s there for after all; Also, TENSE. Keep it consistent]'. “It said Mark’s a big baby.” Liam eventually added in a playful tone. '[This whole added dialogue tag shoots the flow down and doesn’t reveal anything that isn’t already evident in the dialogue itself. You could easily just cut it out. Also stop switching damn tenses! It’s a terrible habit and a real basic mistake that ought to be caught while proofing a first draft]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh-my-gosh. Quit trying to spook up my house[comma]” I smile profusely. “I have a hard enough time being here in a new house by my lonesome as it is! I don’t even like this place [comma] it creeps me out. That’s why I invited you all over!” '[Hmmm, I feel fair in saying that this is a bit exposition-y. Move the story along. Keep things going. Breaks like this aren’t helping]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“There was someone in the room I was hiding in. Wasn’t it one of you all?” Mark questioned '[questioned just reads so… wrong. Might be just me but ‘asks’ is a much more natural choice]' still stuck on the subject of the thing he had heard. Everybody looks at one another as if expecting someone to speak up, but when nobody did [does] Liam broke [breaks] the silence.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well, we should probably stay together now. Two vs Two will still be fun in this huge house[comma]” he remarked [remarks]. “Plus, we can’t let ourselves be as dumb as people in horror films”. [full stop goes before the quotation mark]

<p class="MsoNormal">“We need to be careful. Everyone use your phone as a flashlight and get a weapon!” Mark interrupts hysterically. '[Would he really be doing this if he feared for his life? Wouldn’t he just flee the house? Also dialogue tags, while normally following a formula of verb + adverb, should still be a bit more varied than what you use. You follow the verb + adverb rule to the point where it becomes distracting.]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“Woah, no weapons! We’re fine. [comma]” I urge the group. “Liam, I found you first. Mark and you are the seekers this round.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Now Cynthia and I can go hide. I know the perfect secluded spot. Maybe Cynthia and I will make out, or get frisky while we hide. My mind wanders as we watch Liam and Mark make their way to the master bathroom to count. We wait for them to be at a far enough distance before plotting.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Where would you like to hide?” Cynthia begins, a menacing '[Is it menacing? Word choice matters. Only use ‘menacing’ if she is actually menacing to the person she is speaking to]' smile curls from the corners of her lips. “We can scare them if we hide in two separate spots, and if they find one of us the other can sneak up from behind to scare them.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Or we can go make out beside the hot tub. You can’t see it from the glass door, and I can almost guarantee we will never be found.” I offer with a suggestive smirk.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Twenty-five” Liam and Mark chant in the distant bathroom, “twenty-four, twenty-three”.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Let’s go” Cynthia agrees, a small coy smile adorning her lips.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">''Mark and I stand in the master bathroom counting down from twenty-five. I can tell that he is still petrified from whatever had startled him. I slowed  [slow] my counting before stopping to interrogate him. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">“What is it that you think you heard up there?” I ask.

<p class="MsoNormal">“It was real,” Mark pauses almost avoiding my question entirely. “As real as anything I have ever heard”. His skin began to drain of color as he becomes engrossed in the memory. “It was the most disgusting sound of bones shifting and grinding inside of a corpse. I am sure of that now thinking back on it. It smelled of decay, but I am glad that I didn’t see it. I was hiding behind a piece of artwork upstairs in a closet when I -- ”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Slow down," I begin "we should search the first floor, and work our way upstairs.”

<p class="MsoNormal">'[I’ve already covered dialogue and tense problems. I can’t keep marking the same mistakes over and over so I’m gonna move into general notes now].'

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues: Plenty. You need to put MS word’s spellcheck to use. Those blue and red wriggly lines aren’t just for decoration. You have major trouble with dialogue punctuation and your overuse of certain dialogue tags consistently draws the reader out. You also need to make perspective shifts clear right from the start. Simple italics won’t do it. My notes show quite clearly that it takes me a good two/three shifts to work the pattern out. By that point you’ll have easily lost a good chunk of your readers to frustration. There's nothing wrong with subheading each section with the name of the protagonist.

<p class="MsoNormal">And, this next one is a biggun, you need to keep your tense consistent. You write in present tense so stick to present tense. Not to mention, present tense is by far the hardest tense of all to write in. The reason so many writers start in present tense and then constantly switch back and forth is because present tense is ''very very difficult to write in. ''If you write in present tense then be vigilant for tense swaps.

<p class="MsoNormal">Stylistic issues: Your writing crashes when you slow things down.

<p class="MsoNormal">''With all my courage, I push the artwork over and jump up darting out of the closet. I throw open the bedroom door and turn my head to glance into the room as I make my escape out into the hall. ''<- This? This is good. This works. It’s short, economical, it’s paced well. It’s a good snappy bit of description and I like it and there are lots and lots of examples of similar parts in your story that are well written. At a glance the overall trend is that when things are actually happening and the plot is barrelling forward at a confident pace your writing works and is enjoyable to read.

<p class="MsoNormal">But the dialogue and slower descriptions? That’s where you don’t appear as comfortable. The dialogue is stunted, weird, and not at all believable. There’s nothing wrong with writing to your strengths. Feel free to cut out dialogue if you don’t feel comfortable with it and don’t give exposition if you don’t need to. Long conversations where characters establish each other’s motivations aren’t always necessary for a horror story where half of them will be inside-out in a matter of moments. Lots of writers cover this sort of territory in broad sweeping generalisations. It’s clear you want to cover POV but, honestly, I don’t even see why. As a writing exercise? If so, consider lowering your ambitions because POV changes are the sort of thing you reserve for 100,000 word tomes. Anything less than 5000 words should have one perspective and should focus its resources (which are extremely limited) on building the protagonist and maybe one or two extra characters. The sort of clichéd teenagers you have here (nothing wrong with clichéd teenagers by the way) don’t need a first-person account to be communicated effectively.

<p class="MsoNormal">Still, as it is, yeah sure you change perspectives and it works but it plays to the weakest parts of your story (and short stories in general). The story benefits in no way from perspective swaps in the current format. I would focus this story onto one guy trapped in a house with his friends while he plays hide and seek.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – None, really. Most of this story’s problems are in the style/mechanical category. I like the monster (really liked it), it’s cool. The only thing I can think is that maybe find a reason for this guy to stay in a house and play hide and seek after experiencing something so terrifying because if that happened to me there’d just be a Christian-shaped blur in the direction of an exit.