Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32009126-20170915002238/@comment-32009126-20170915023513

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Starting with the basics, please use source mode when posting a story as using visual editor tends to create formatting/coding errors like this: "“Eloise? Darling? It’s time for bed.” " There are quite a lot of mechanical issues so I'll just be glossing over them before addressing the story issues. This will not be a comprehensive list of all the issues present in the story.

Capitalization: While you have cleaned up some of the rampant capitalization errors that were present in the posted version, there are still quite a few present here. "I don’t know how many times i’ve played that over in my mind", “Why would i use something so sharp on myself?", "i tried once more, nearly begging the little girl at this point.", "Eloise screaming as i called out and cried.", "i spoke, tears welling in my eyes once more.", etc. Your original post also forgot to capitalize names a number of times throughout. I suggest proof-reading your story before posting.

Format: Just a heads-up, you need to include full spaces between your paragraphs. If you don't, wiki will format them all into one large paragraph that is a wall of text.

Punctuation: You tend to improperly use punctuation in dialogue. "I think it would really help.(should be a comma)” she murmured", "They came to kill her.” my voice hitched in my throat as i spoke, tears welling in my eyes once more.", "“Oh?’(") Dr. Nokkenbach leaned back in his chair and noted something down"

Punctuation issues cont.: "All I could see in Veronique(apostrophe missing)s eyes was pity.", "an officer taking Veronique(apostrophe missing)s statement just far away enough I couldn’t hear.", "Which based on the police report an Veroniques’ (misplaced apostrophe) statement,", etc. "saying things like(colon missing) “I can’t hurt mommy Veronique. She wouldn't like that too much.” and “yes I know where the scissors are. I use them for crafts.. Why?”"

Repetition: "I’ve prayed every night since then, too high-strung to even sleep a full night anymore." Try to avoid re-stating words in rapid succession unless you're going for an anaphora (if that's the case, it needs re-writing to make it more effective). Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "Something shiny and dark dripped down their back, running small rivers through it’s nearly visible spine."

Spelling/Wording: "I stook (sic) her hand and led her to her small bedroom, tucking her in tightly in the silky feeling sheets." Run-on sentences. "Snippets of Eloise talking back, saying things like “I can’t hurt mommy Veronique. She wouldn't like that too much.” and “yes I know where the scissors are. I use them for crafts.. Why?” yet the one that scared me the most was one i heard after waking up in the ungodly hours of the night, unaware what had woken me up at the time." Awkward wording: "I was restrained ‘properly’ soon after that, the police looking around and going into Eloise’s room while I was kept and watched on the sofa, an officer taking Veroniques statement just far away enough I couldn’t hear."

Story issues: Onto the story issues, the largest is in the premise itself. I feel like a lot more work needs to be put in to clear up the possible plot hole of Veronique not being cognizant of the situation. Lines like: "My girlfriend, Veronique, insists I was dreaming and nobody spoke, but what else could she have been saying? She disbelieves the next part even more." and "she continued the sentence, “ever considered going back into therapy? I know this whole Eloise situation has been hard on you-”" feel at odds in the story (Especially since the protagonist has been going to see therapists with the imaginary Eloise which brings up the next issue.)

Story issues cont.: How exactly is she not receiving help for this sudden onset schizophrenia? You imply she's visited multiple therapists, who seem to be clued in on the root issue ("I keep listening for anything else, and i’ve even gone as far as taking Eloise to a therapist, and earning shrugs and pitied looks in return."), so this begs the question, why is no one re-directing her to a therapist who can help? Also, wouldn't her patient history be updated to the point where it would include that information?

In the end, the twist feels like it's going to use a lot more finesse to fit into the story without having numerous issues where it hitches in the plot. Those were most of the reasons that caught my eye when reading the story which resulted in me deleting the story. I definitley see those errors, yes. thank you very much for pointing all those out. I'm planning on either re-writing this comppletely or using a fairly similar 'imaginary friend' premise. I appreciate this feedback a lot. Thanks again!