Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20180617234538/@comment-9041013-20180618190608

Wooo its an Evil Swamp Thing on steroids I like it, but it needs a bunch of work.

First, I know it makes the most sense that the Garden of Eden would be in Africa, because thats where Humans came from, but, The Amazon has so much more to offer in terms of discoveries. We literally still find uncharted communities in the Amazonian rain forest.

Second, the story seems kind of rushed, I guess you were a bit concerned with the length and thus made sure to make it as short as possible - I think that's a bad move as it forced me to constantly force myself to suspend my disbelief mid plot. You shouldn't worry about the length if you want an organic piece. What do I mean by this being unorganic and rushed? Well the things just happen to quickly as if you're summerizing a text through an essay and not telling a story. We need to know a bit about the interactions of people. You could mention every now and again, mostly at the meetings, how people talk about yada yada yada and follow that up with the main point of the meeting.

Also, give people last and first names, makes them more human.

Make Adam some bigshot botanist or gardner that was picked for his extraordinary skill, or mention crazy trials that he passed to get the job.

Are you Sweedens? cause Parsons feels like a very Swedish name to me, idk.

Good job on delivering Adam's innitaial struggle when he got locked in the garden. Very organic, very good work on that part it was a nicely detailed descent into godhood(?) I like the whole theme of the corrupted Garden of Eden and the connections you've made between Hades and Yahweh. It's kind of true that the one true god is death. Also, Canaanite polytheims depicts the God of death as an unstoppable hungry being that devours even the supreme god Baal and is only capable of being stopped truly by the creator himself, El.

Alright, so some issues plot wise. You're not making them seem like real people, they don't even have last names. "The military got involved"? Give us some detail about what the world knows and about the public "panic" in regards to the situation of the researchers that leads to the involvement of the military. this is just kinda weird skippy stuff.

Mechanical issues. You need to make sure that you start a new paragraph whenever a new person is talking. Researcher A, "blah blah blah" Researcher B, "bah bah bah" can't go Researcher A, "blah blah blah" Researcher B, "bah bah bah"

Machina isn't a word in english, it's Machine.

the tenses are kinda off, just check out the grammar.

So yeah, it's great, but needs some work. :P