Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26846606-20170123215253/@comment-26846606-20170124042628

I do agree with mostly all of your points, but I feel like keeping the part where the narrator shouts down to what he presumes is Ben, causing whoever was downstairs to come upstairs. I feel like it makes more sense for that to occur rather than have the narrator call him. I agree with every other point about the ending; going further with the ending to be more effective rather than ending it with the text. Thanks for the response!

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

While I do appreciate you revising your story some (see deletion appeal for revision), I do feel like there're still some problems that need to be addressed before the story is ready for the site. Starting with the basics, you should really be uniform with how you use punctuation in text messages. ("“No I’m being serious this time, I am by the back door.”." or “Nice try, I know you’re not there.”" or the times when you use two closing forms of punctuation “Are you joking with me man?.”) Since you have a tendency to use periods outside of the quotation for some lines and not in the other ones. I would advise sticking to one or the other. Another small issue, "I proceeded to shout downstairs." The period should be a colon as the dialogue is continued on another paragraph and that line contextually implies continuation of the sentence.

There are also a few plot things that might need some smoothing over for this to work effectively. The first being the nature of the pranks. I understand that you're setting up the scenario, but it feels off that Ben would text him and get him to come downstairs and then drive off. ("The following weekend, he told me he was coming over to hang out. When I came outside to greet him in his car, he floored it out of my neighborhood.") If his whole shtick is getting him to come down to let him in, it feels a bit hard to justify him driving out to his house, texting him and then driving off as that seems like a lot more work on his part.

I might also try to find a way to work around Ben's dialogue and the intruder's entry ("Was my mind tricking with me or was Ben actually in my house? “No, I told you I was downstairs, but you didn’t believe me.”") as it feels kind of coincidental that he would say that he's downstairs at the exact time someone broke into their house. Maybe have the protagonist make the incorrect assumption and not have Ben explicitly state he's downstairs as it feels a bit shoe-horned into the story.

While talking about the ending, I have another recommendation for you. The change to the ending is good ("I looked at his message and my heart dropped. “You know I was fucking with you, right?”) but it could be a bit more effective. Maybe have him call Ben towards the end out of frustration or go a little further beyond your endpoint to drive home the ending like ending on the door swinging open or maybe calling and having Ben answer after that message, but the protagonist realizes he hasn't heard Ben's obnoxious ring tone (Why would Ben have it set to "Anaconda" anyways?) before he answers. This isn't an outright denial, but I do feel like there are a few things that would make this story a bit more effective. I'd suggest making some changes or trying to add a little explanation to Ben's character to justify his reason for pranks and messaging me or another admin tomorrow where it's more likely that this will be approved