Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26158797-20150322085128/@comment-25980905-20150327081607

Hello there!

I quite enjoyed reading this story here. It has quite an interesting concept. The idea that there is someone out there standing up for those who can't do it themselves is a very different turn on your typical creepypasta protagonist. I liked how you created a hero, who protects the weak by means that are immoral. It acts almost like a precautionary tale against bullying, complete with a dark little twist. In my opinion you need to expand more on Shiloh, her history and who she is. We discover she only just moved into the town, and shortly afterwards she leaves a horrible surprise and is now on the run. Could it be that she's done this before? Does she travel from town to town, sticking up for the innocent? She's already proven she can do things normal people can't. She knew someone was going to die, but how? She also takes an interest in someone she hadn't known prior, deciding to protect him. Not many people will do that to someone they only just met. The events that take place appear routine. She knows at the end that she has to leave town. Has she done this before, maybe in the last town she was from? The motivation of a character is also vital to stories such as these. So what is Shiloh's motivation? Why is she doing this? Overall, I feel like the story could be expanded just a little bit more. I think Shiloh's character can be elaborated on much more. As a side note, I was very happy with the way you avoided stereotypes and clichès as well as how you left the 'surprise' she left at school mysterious; as opposed to describing something that doesn't really contribute to the story such as a severed arm, ransom note or gift box. It adds to the element of intrigue.