Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25073641-20151113031842/@comment-24101790-20151201073008

While I'm not a big fan of chat log pastas, I'll try my best to review the story. Here are some of the issues I found:

Story-wise, the bot kicking users seems to be a bit too fickle. (Especially since multiple people seem to curse without setting off the bot through-out the story.) It really doesn't enhance the story much and creates some plot holes when people are kicked and fail to return, but sign out later. (DudeImperfect)

Also there might be a bit too many characters as I ended up losing track of who was Hudson and when it comes to declaring some characters' sins, they aren't mentioned. This really feels like you're casting a bit too wide of a net here with too many characters or not drawing clear enough connections to them.

I also think the sins might be a bit overblown. I might buy a bunch of teens having some mortal sins, but a few just feel way too extreme: "You confessed your sinful action against your best friend Lloyd Dillon by pushing him out of a bridge, consequently killing him, and claiming innocence." and "You confessed your earthly desires for blood." really seems out of place and unlikely.

Dialogue: God's dialogue comes off as a bit hokey at times that really detract from the character. "your lives are doomed to destruction." Additionally most stories when referencing God (a specific one) capitalize the pronouns that reference Them. (He, She It, Me, My, etc.) Also, He has relatively good diction up until the end where He stops punctuating properly.

I would also question why these users are describing their scenarios rather than say, getting help or trying to escape. ("the water is rapidly rising. it's filled the half of my house. the ground is shaking wildly.") I really don't see why someone would stay at their computer if their house is flooding especially if family and friends are present during this.

I'm also wondering if you're going to include screenshots as multiple characters link them "Here's a pic: [IMG_1735289_1445504289177.jpg]", "DudeImperfect: [screenshot1.png]", "DudeImperfect: [screenshot2.png]", "DudeImperfect: [screenshot3.png]" It really feels like if you're going to be be talking about them without as much description, that they need to be fabricated/made.

A number of lines also need some clarification: " I'm now in verge of tears honestly.", "EVERYONE had seen that. Literally people in this planet.", "i cant swallow any of this. i'm too full.", etc. I'm really not sure what they're trying to say here and they're a bit too frequent to ignore.

All in all, I'm a bit on the fence with the story. If it were posted in its current form, I would likely mark it for review and try to get a second opinion. This may be due to my general disinterest in these types of stories due to the number that are already present on the site, so additional feedback may be necessary. It's obvious you put time into this, but there are a number of issues that really detract from the story.