Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160618163439/@comment-28266772-20160621134015

Spelling/grammar issues -> a eldritch / Rennies (should be possessive) / a opening / village,( / victims stomach (should be possessive) / well than / O my God /    it has to be the killers (again, should be possessive) /  now days (nowadays) / a inn / cosh /  The residence were dirty /  No beside the /  and vigour this eight / though Jason (this turns up a lot, you clearly mean 'thought', please go through and check for more instances of this mistake using ctrl + F) /    I was going to have for launch /  Then, scraping it's threating claws on the walls, / best thrust /  ignoring the inquires

Missing words ->  the victim was middle-aged, a buzz cut, and a sporty clothes. /  “Jason, how good to see, my friend,” /

Wording issues ->  very little rich people /  <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Then, suddenly, and shadow appeared /  <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">refuse you shall substitute that pretty lady /  <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Hello, that's all I have time for /  <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Mustering all the all his willpower /

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Issues with punctuation -> When denoting speech you should use the following standard.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"Hello," said James.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Or...

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">James walked down the street and saw his friend.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"Hello," he said. "How are you?"

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">In contrast here's how you denote speech:

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Jason lit a cigarette, “At least I am allowed to smoke.” He gasped. -> there's incorrect grammar and punctuation and capitalzation. This more than just an issue of style, and it becomes problematic. Take the following exchange from your story.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Can I sit down?” Jason asked the man in the corner. The man nodded.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Care to join me in a drink?” [Is this a new speaker? Who is talking? This isn't clear because you establish the old man's reply with "The man nodded".]

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“If I wouldn't be imposing on you.” Was the reply. [Who is replying here?]

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Also, again there is an excess of incorrect capitalization and punctuation. Please refer to the wikia style guide to see how to present dialogue when writing.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Issues with wording -> Let's look at another exchange.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> “You surprise me,” Said Donavan. “There is a inn here, “Red Robin Hood”. Get yourself a room, and we'll continue the search here. You go interview some locals.”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> This wording is awkward. The word 'here' is repeated and it upsets the flow. The speaker also gives the protagonist two jobs with no clear order to them. He tells him to interview locals almost as though he forgot that he told him, just seconds ago, to go book himself a room. Which is it?

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Let's look at a descriptive section.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">" Among the sea of suspiciously staring peasants, there was one casual looking character in a corner.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Among the waves (you've just used sea based imagery, this is redundant) of grimy residents, he looked picturesque. Jason walked over to the counter and ordered a Jack Daniels (possessive) from the hunchback barman who smelled of disease (how does one smell of disease?)."

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">It just doesn't read right. Again:

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> "When he placed himself before the other officers, he was grimy and dirty from the crawling." -> You need to be more economical in your writing. We know he just dragged himself around the ground. This has no relevance to the plot, and is repetitive. Not only do we know why he's dirty, but it has absolutely no relevance to the plot whatsoever. It's just words for words sake.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Story issues:

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Specifics -> One there's a chunk about your use of Ireland that I don't buy. For a starters the police in Ireland are called the "Garda" in the republic. And neither the North, nor the South, have a position called "police chief". Nor do the Irish police structures have detectives, they have constables. This whole dissonance pulled me out of the story and left me scratching my head. Furthermore it would help if you established which part of Ireland this is set in, because they're different countries with different currencies and religions.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Two, no poor people are not the exclusive demographic of cigars. Jesus Christ just... no. My father smokes cigars and, asides from having more money than I will earn in my life, he spends anywhere from £10 to £8000 for a cigar. It is a stupidly expensive habit that was pushed out of the working classes by cigarettes for a reason - cigarettes are fundamentally cheaper.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Three - " he has very good posture, his back is not flabby." - how does one have good posture ''in death? ''Rigor mortis sets in almost immediately and stiffens the corpse. Unless the dead body is sitting up like an Etonian school boy I simply do not believe that someone can determine posture from a corpse with a mere look.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> Four - the following passage is... interesting.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> “Oh, and for you, my good man, a mint. Actually never mind one mint, here's three.” Jason said.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">This weird procedure was what Jason called “The Science of Persuasion”. By giving the man a mint, and making it seem personal, while complementing him, established a trust and liking, even if the second party was unaware.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Besides the dialogue feeling stilted and unbelievable, I found the mint thing legitimately laughable. I can't wrap my head around it. I understand the logic (aside from calling it "the science of pursuasion" which is simply too generic to mean anything to anyone), because it's fundamentally true that complementing someone and offering them freebies will open them up to persuasion. But it's just the idea of bribing someone with not one mint, because that would be churlish, but three mints, to really seal the deal.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Story overall -> So as you might have guessed you didn't sell me on two major things. The setting, and the characters. You include an excess of superfluous information that achieves nothing. Your main character is an amalgamation of unlikeable quirks that feel like an awkward photocopy of Sherlock Holmes in all the wrong ways. His skills aren't compelling, or even believable. The story is cliched with nothing unique about it. How does the drug addiction enlighten the themes, setting, or plot in any meaningful way? Why do you go out of your way to portray this Irish village like an appalachian witch brothel? The most critical character trait of the main character is rage, and we never even see him lose his temper. You just tell us he's angry.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">To make things worse this story is littered with grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors which leaves me wondering if you proof read it enough. And, to top it off, you bumped your own bloody thread which is something of a faux pas.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">To end on a positive, because I always try to, - you're clearly a competent writer. If I've been a bit harsh it's because I feel as though the bulk of these errors could have been fixed with a proof read and spellcheck. The story is long so I'll let a few spelling errors etc. go because those are common in longer works, but you should still put work into making something presentable. The writer's workshop is not a substitute for an automated spell check. Overall you have some good imagery - the description of the werewolf, for example, is good - and at times you do a pretty good job of setting the scene. I enjoyed the description of the yew, oak, wood etc when first entering the village. The story has quite a few examples of clever bits of description, including the old man in the house, and the dead body itself.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Best of luck on

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