Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20151203195012/@comment-9041013-20151209165218

Whitix wrote: So the grammar here is all over the place. You have multiple missing punctuation, misuse of homophones, the paragraphs stents spaced properly, missing capitalization and the story flows poorly. You need to proofread this so that it is presentable to the site. I'm on my phone so I can't point out specific instances, but there are many that would cause the story to be deleted without taking the story into account.

The story is rather factually inaccurate and lacking in meaning. I'm pretty sure people are hanged in the US anymore, nor do I think you can apply to be an executioner for a job, and there certainly aren't 20-30 executions per day. All of these really make the reader wonder whether any research was put into this, and it takes them out of the story. But the story isn't really anything special. There's no build up to the voices, nor are they creepy. Since we don't care about the character, we don't care about his mental state. The descriptions of Hell are the story's main scare factor, but they seem so out of place and don't fit in well with the first half at all, so they aren't effective in the least.

As for suggestions for improvement, extend the piece. Change the time period, draw out the executions (a mere two sentence description does nothing), and slowly introduce the voices. The character killing everyone in the end and being executed could work if we knew anything about his mental state. He seems fine the paragraph above and then he decides to commit murder with no transition in between. I know ya implied that he is going crazy, but show it in the story. He didnt commit murder though... it was suicide