Talk:The Mouse Child/@comment-26054278-20150720010949

This was one of the more unusual stories in the contest, and I applaud the author for that. It isn’t flawless, but I immediately give credit that the author did go through with the idea and post this story.

As you can probably tell from my intro, this story is immensely original. I have seen anthropomorphic mice before and them having a sort of town before, but this pasta had so many other creative ideas (such as the home of the wizard) that the small part that isn’t too original is easily made up for.

The writing is pretty dang good. Yes, there were a few typos (such as a lack of a question mark on a question), but they weren’t too major. The description here both adds to the atmosphere and interests the reader due to how extraordinary well-written it all is. It really does give off the feeling of a fairy tale or fable. In addition, the pacing is great, particularly after Gerry gets the whistle stuck in his throat.

All of the side characters have personalities and add to the environment. I could briefly mention all of them, but I think the noteworthy ones were Dr. Rossi and Benjamin.

Dr. Rossi seemed like a pretty normal mouse (did I just say that) at first, but when you apply the twist that he is, in fact, the person who owned the flute, the times that Dr. Rossi answers questions about how the flute is magical and whatnot really make even more sense. Of course, that means that the foreshadowing for the twist was pretty much perfect.

Benjamin was a bit confusing at first, but I assumed that he was the demon in this story due to the way he talked about possibly punishing Gerry further. He wasn’t in the story very much, but since he seemed to be the demon, I thought that was important to note. The story sort of just ends with Dr. Rossi and Benjamin, but it still made the story feel complete. The story had got across the “lesson” pretty decently (which happened to be rather obvious), and not much more was needed after that.

The faults are with Gerry and the completely lack of creepiness in the story.

I genuinely think Gerry was supposed to be unlikable, because he wasn’t a character I wanted to follow at all. Even if was meant to be unlikable (as they don’t even show any of his interests or good qualities he has), it doesn’t make the story better because it takes away some of my investment in the plot. If I don’t care about the character, I won’t care as much about the things that happen to him or the things that he encounters.

With that aside, I haven’t referred to this story as a creepypasta because I don’t think it really is one. I read the note at the beginning by the author about how it wasn’t originally intended to be a creepypasta, and I must say that it does show. I can’t list a single somewhat creepy moment here.

There was an odd part about monkeys attacking Gerry, but that was so weird that it wasn’t creepy at all. Honestly, I’m struggling to think of something that even tried to be creepy in the slightest.

It might not be a creepypasta, but that doesn’t stop it from being a lovely story. 73/100.