Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20160807030815/@comment-29579113-20160811000642

Since this is a ritual pasta and you're essentially writing instructions, I think you can format it like an instruction manual. For example, you say "go to any building that has at least 9th floor between 2 AM-4 AM by yourself." The first time I read that, it was confusing (find a building that only has a 9th floor during that time?)  But you could format it like a list.

Find a building with the following characteristics:

a) has at least nine floors

b) has a working elevator

c) is open/accessible between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM central time (may be difficult and require some bribery or forced entry)

That way it's clearly separated, more formal, and not just a block of text. It looks nicer on the page as well.

I like the lines instructing you to go from this floor to this. Not sure why. Maybe because it's so specific, and there's so many instructions, and you know there are consequences for messing up.

In regards to the woman getting on the elevator, I think it's good enough just saying not to look at her or talk to her. Adding that you know she's not of this world isn't needed, and kind of spoils the mystery. Let the subtext do the work, and it'll be scarier!

You could also make use of the list format for the things you'll detect with your enhanced senses. Again, you can probably cut the 'met their demise' line. It's creepier if we have all these stimuli coming at us and we have NO IDEA what the hell it all means.

Hope that helps, looking forward to a future draft!