Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20161219211715/@comment-31532017-20161222133000

I thought about the writing down as a brief overview while I go down but after an intense reading; I found a lot of issues which I think you need to address, but first let's take at the basic errors. From then on, we'll go down the creativity >>> flow/structure >>> use of prompt >>> overall opinion.

Grammar -(17)
- It basically makes people punish (and) hurt others for their sins, (that's) all. (Spelling Errors)

- (You're) shocked, I'm sure, but there's a limit, so put that down or I'll chastise your fucking ass. (Spelling Error)

- I (laid) there for what seemed like hours upon hours upon even more hours until my senses surfaced. (Tense Swap)

- There's also the " in front of the sentences whenever Evan's mom speaks; I'm not sure what purpose they serve, I would be delighted to find out. Regardless, this was the only part where you scored higher than the average score which is 15 in my book. But others didn't favored so well.

Creativity -(11.75)
- The atmosphere near the beginning felt somewhat emotionless, I liked how you described the setting. But you implied there were more people present in the room (excluding Evan and "I"), "they listened to the snow storm outside"; that's it? I felt like you should've have expanded more on the minor characters, creating an even more cheerful mood in contrast to Evan's emotional state; it will probably impact the readers more. (Missed opportunity)

- You lost me when Evan detailed his past, I'm not sure if a child that young could physically tie himself to a radiator, let alone memorized how many times he was whipped. Though, it's relatively easy to fix by having his mom the one who tied him up and him saying an obscure number. (Plot Issue)

-/+ (Optional) This one is kinda based on my opinion, if he's been whipped that many times. It's kinda natural for him to have scars, I think having him showing "I" about it and some background characters took notice of it too. Would've allowed us to sympathize with Evan a lot more and the realization that he was gonna be the antagonist would've heavily impacted us a lot more.

- Technically, it was the 8th Christmas when Evan sneaked out into the living room, and by then he should be 15 years old, not 14. (Plot Issue)

- Evan thought he became a better person because of his mother's beatings, when in reality he was traumatized by it and he either refuses to recognize (His mother was a bitch because of their bond) or was completely oblivious as to it. (Definitely creative)

- Since Evan was depressed, I really doubt he would've broken out from his shell to break the silence during their encounter next Christmas. Unless of course, his original intention was to lure them there. (On the fence)

- Throughout the story, what the hell happened to Michael? You stated that he was with John and the others at that time when they went to Evan's house. I think you've forgotten about him half way through the story. (Plot hole) Though it can be easily fixed if you removed him from the story, but there's a second option which I listed in the Overall Opinion section.

- How did the protagonist knew what to search in the house to destroy it? Why the basement first? I think having him to search the entire house and then dwelling into the basement & finding the coals would've fixed the issue. (Plot issue)

- What about the monster? You implied that he comes down the chimney in the house every Christmas during night time, why not this time? It was foreshadowed in the end it survived and was gonna haunt the main protagonist & his family for the rest of their lives but why not confront him during his time inside the house? (Plot Issue)

Flow/Structure -(15)
- The dialogue can get pretty awkward at times, I get they were set in 1940's but there this weird sensation I keep feeling whenever I see them talking, especially the early parts; this could be me though. If it isn't, then a small polish here and there should be able to fix it.

+++ There isn't much problem with the structural part of the story, there were pretty spot-on; although it wasn't on par to some users. It was definitely wonderful for me to picture the entire thing out, especially during the part where the protagonist confronted Evan and later on seeing him standing over John's corpse. And the ending, oh man the ending scenes, I think that hit the good spot.

Use of The Prompt -(13)
-/+ "A lump of coal" has less flexibility than my prompt, you were definitely forced to pull off Santa's naughty list. Question was, how did you pulled it off allowing it to stand out from the rest of the herd. Or you had to be really creative and insane when it came to pulling the story off, which you didn't.

I liked the fact that, the coal was the reason for all of Evan's torture throughout his life living in the manor with his mother. And the destruction of the manor was caused by the freaking coals plus some stuff being ignited.

Overall Opinion -(?)
+ I enjoyed the scene when Lou Costello shouted into the screen, "I'm a bad boy." A coincidence? Or did it foreshadowed what was about to happen?

+ The reason why John was silent, him cheating back in the old days was somewhat common in real life; at least where I'm from. I could see why he was somewhat sad and quiet during the occasional holiday when he divorced his wife.

- Now, there's nothing with rushed scenes. Yet I felt like you could've detail the eeriness about the house a lot more. Perhaps slowing down certain scenes would've worked out way better.

+ I was expecting Santa Claus to be, you know a phony and the mother was revealed to be mentally disabled. But having a monster posing as Santa Claus, and revealing to us that he was the one actually giving the coals to Evan, definitely caught me off guard which is something I personally enjoy.

+3 After viewing the story, I could see why the mother acted like that. The monster has been influencing her and her entire family for generations, it's natural that the traumas she received during childhood could've carried onto her when she became an adult. Unlike the common tropes like crazy/psychopathic mother, you provided an answer in the best way possible.

-2 I'll be honest here, when it comes to liking stories; I'm somewhat nick-picky when it comes to that, especially details listed throughout the story. Considering how many failed opportunities and plot issue present in your story, I was somewhat disappointed that it didn't reach its true maximum potential.

-2 It was never addressed what happened to his dad which I think he should've been mentioned, you could've implied that it was a one night stand or that he left the house sometime after Evan came into the world, implying he found the the Writh family's secret and it would honestly helped in the reason why Evan's mom behavior deteriorating.

+2 Regardless, I like how you handle the group splitting up part. There were up there supposed to be having a good time, you pulled it off correctly and at the right timing. Where after doing so, Evan took the chance to kill John. And by correctly, I mean you didn't did it the cliche style which means having them foolishly split up but rather because they wanted to set up their night out at Evan's place.

-/+ About Michael, I think that if you given a sad tragic backstory as well as giving that same dose to our lovely protagonist would've made the meeting a lot more emotional, allowing us to sympathize with them.

The score roughly averages out around 60-62, pretty bad in my book; like I said I judge stories pretty brutal. But I think if you could fix all of the issues (Not the trivial ones); I'm seeing this an easy 75 - 78, even 80 - 85, which is pretty damn impressive.