Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36554399-20190112062252/@comment-9041013-20190112232331

So aside from the bad English, the story is bad as well. The whole thing just reads like an instruction manual for a monster. It's like an SCP without creativity.

I'd add less weirdness to the kids life, making him a typical teenager in a story who gets bullied, has somewhat distant parents etc.

Create more dialogue and discussion between the monster and the kid; have him play a video game or something and meet this "person" who's the monster. Have them become friends over a period of time. Then make the kid confess is misery to the monster only for to tell the kid it can help him.

From there on, go for something like the monster telling the kid to listen to a recording of it's voice really closely. (by putting the phone to his ear) or to look closely at the screen, maybe put it under his pillow when he goes to sleep... something with a very close physical contanct.

That's when you have the monster take over the kids body in a painful process before it tells the kid's prone new/broken form that it had taken over his life.