Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20181204115317/@comment-35711173-20181204210113

Bloody Spaghetti,

English: If this were close to the final draft I would report several issues. Nothing horrid. Extra commas, missing commas, etc. You have a LOT of what I would consider run-on sentences that I would split. We've been through that debate with that story about the guy driving the Mini van to the Dead Sea. No point in going through it again.

I advise reading it out loud to yourself several times.

Prose: I'll repeat my generic call for merciless editing.

Your prose is repetitive.

I woke up the next morning in my room, with no broken nose. I dismissed the whole ordeal as a nightmare, that is until I got out of my bed and found the birch branch leaning against it. Just thinking about what I’ve seen that made my stomach knot, so I kept the whole thing to myself. Until now, that is. My old man has Leukemia, apparently, he went into remission and it’s Christmas season again, so maybe I should pray to the beast or maybe it’s too late now the creature is just coming to collect my father’s skin.

I would rewrite the first two sentences as something like

"When I woke the next morning, my nose wasn't broken. The whole thing must have been a nightmare, until I looked around my room and saw that a birch branch covered my blanket.  My stomach knotted up when I remembered what Krampus had said.  Dad has Leukemia.  It went into remission, but now it's Christmas.  Should I be praying to the beast so he doesn't take Dad's skin?"

Shorter, stronger.

I think you could take a third off the story in tightening the language - but wait. I remember saying something like that over the above mentioned minivan story. Never mind. It's your story.

Plot: It's pretty reasonable. The real Christmas spirit isn't at all what we believe it to be. It's a pre-Christian spirit. The old ones don't die, they just change names and wear a cross.

The ending seems wimpy to me. If I thought that if I sacrifice a chicken to Krampus it may well save my Dad, you bet I would be sacrificing that chicken! Not like someday - like immediately I would be gathering birch branches and dancing naked for Freya. He has seen the deity and he has seen evidence of its power. Not to do so would be illogical.