Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26373030-20150515201108/@comment-26007602-20150515222812

If I may offer some more advice...

When you submit the story, don't center space the contents; left spacing is the norm. You don't need to include the title of the story in contents as well. Also, while it's your choice as the author, the story really doesn't require a trigger warning, as these topics are written about a great deal on this site. Some readers may be put off by the warning as well. But, as it doesn't really impact the story, whether you leave it or not is up to you.

Grammar wise, your main issue would be separating these paragraphs. You need to start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. I'd also advise against using all caps. If you're using it to emphasize a word, using italics instead. If you're using it to denote screaming, an exclamation point will suffice. Makes your writing more professional.

As for the general plot of the story, I must say I like it. Seeing and knowing the narrator is the monster is quite nice. You definitely need to go into more detail about how he messes with his victim, as a short paragraph saying how he murdered the dude's girlfriend and further messed with him just doesn't suffice. Give us some details on how he stalked and planned these attacks.

"It was a rainbow of reds and greens and blues and purples thanks to the scientific qualities of the mask I was wearing which changed the colour particles of the blood." This line is pretty ridiculous. Why does he need to be wearing some high-tech mask? It'd be better for our narrator to hallucinate the colors. Or you could remove it entirely, as it really adds nothing to the story.

The whole torture scene is a bit much. The problem is that there's no build up to it, which means the story kind of relies on it for the horror. And shock value doesn't work as horror. Expanding on how our narrator ruins this guy's life would really help this finale of sorts.