Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25365080-20150415161651/@comment-26007602-20150415212307

I can't say for sure why this was deleted, but here's my take.

The grammar and writing are fine enough, although there are some instances where you need to start a new paragraph with each new speaker. Specifically, the paragraphs that starts with, "Father Edward smiled wryly..." And the one right beneath it. That should clear up the confusion of who's speaking.

I get that this pasta isn't driven by plot or characters, more of an idea, but all are lacking in some way. Father Edward and brown have no real defining qualities, and I couldn't really tell them apart at all throughout the story. If expand in them both a bit, give them some physical features or something. Just differentiate them in some way. The ending, while jarring, works well enough, but far too abrupt. I think you need to build up or imply that something is wrong or that a terrible event is about to happen. Currently, while it fits the idea, it just isn't that well done from a literary standpoint. You can't just suddenly kill your two characters without some kind of build up.

I'm split on the idea of the story. While it's not bad, it's just not that scary. Well, it sort of is, but it doesn't make sense that heaven would be like this. Heaven is supposed to be a sort of paradise; this seems more like hell to me. It just doesn't seem logical that this is what heaven would be like. I don't know; I'm split on the idea. Hope this is useful regardless.