Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26444017-20190620065958/@comment-35711173-20190622191005

Wizard,

I like the story but you need a clean-up pass. The good thing is that you have a solid, imaginative tale. A detailed grammar and punctuation pass should be pretty quick and relatively painless.

Your dates aren't in Japanese format. I don't know if you care to that level of detail. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_and_time_notation_in_Japan

I plugged your story into https://www.grammarly.com and I came up with 53 errors. Most are spelling because of the Japanese names, etc. However, you have a lot of punctuation errors.


 * I’m hoping its just a case of cabin fever, (should be it is or it's)
 * Hopefully that’ll clear his head, (needs a comma after Hopefully)
 * I didn’t need much convincing, (doesn't need that comma)

and so on. This shouldn't take too long to fix.

In standard style, numbers less than ten are written out. Thus, "After 7 years of working there," should be "After seven years of working there,"

Personally, I would read the story out loud a few times. I know that it takes time, but it will be worth it so it glides off the narrator's tongue. I can see SpiritVoices doing this one big time.