Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5321651-20150124232553/@comment-5321651-20150125034040

Banningk1979 wrote: A couple of points of note. Over all, I would say the plot here needs to be futher developed. I love journay style stories, and this certainly delivers in that department. However, if I were to translate this story into the most basic components, this is what it breaks down to:

-Great opening. Boy found in horrible accident and taken to hospital.

-Boy is crazy, gets medication, becomes less crazy. Boy becomes crazy again, more medication. Boy now crazy and violent.

-Boy is killed by hospital staff.

So, as you can see, there needs to be more going on in this.

My second critique is the constant use of his patient ID. Since the hospital staff have identified him, it would probably be far easier on the reader if the boy was simply refered to in the hospital log by his last name.

Finally, the biggest thing that jumped out at me was the fact that this hospital, along with his parents, essentially bypassed the entire legal system and executed the kid for being crazy...in a hospital that exists to house and treat crazy people.

If you want to even hint that his family and medical providers decided the put him to sleep like a rabid dog, I would highly suggest that you adapt the story to at least imply that the staff and parents were corrupt or evil, and simply decided killing him would be cheaper/easier..anything other than trying to play it off as a legally viable option.

Doctors take an oath to "Do No Harm" to any patients, and that includes mental patients.

Anyway, for a first time story, this has potential, but I would certainly revise this before posting it on the main site. Hm... I just got an idea.

Thanks for your critique! This has really helped. I think I'm going to undergo a major plot transition... Hm... Yes...

What would it be like if instead of killing him they transitioned him to a different "mental institution," and it was evil... But the current mental insitution he's in was aware of it... And neither his parents nor the polic were...

That also covers the corrupt/evil doctors and also covers the parents and the police.

Seems a bit cruel though...

Well, I guess why it's in beta testing! :D