Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43481071-20190812180801/@comment-5733573-20190812210717

The execution needs some work, but the plotting and premise are decent. The problem here is that it feels like you're trying way too hard to impress your readers with your wordsmithing. This always backfires because it buries the story and almost always leads to incorrect word use, such as you have here.

To get this piece fully on track, let the story be what shines through. Write yourself a plot summary that's two sentences at most. Then, write a story where the events are the focus. You'll find that you don't need to go on for a lengthy paragraph that describes the same crawling sensation two or three times. Your character will be less likely to overreact to what seems like a common bug bite and will save the hysterics when later when they're really warranted. It will just be better for your story overall.

Second, really make sure you know exactly what a word means before you use it. If there is any doubt whatsoever, you must look it up in a dictionary. Words like "emanating" and "writhed" have very specific meanings and uses. It doesn't matter if a word "sounds good." If you don't know what it means, you will use it incorrectly and your story will suffer.

Those are the major things. When you've completed your second draft of this story, there are some cosmetic things you'll want to look out for. First of all, you have capitalized some words that you didn't need to. Capitalization is only necessary for proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. Secondly, be careful of how many times you repeat Karen's name. Once at the beginning of each paragraph should really be enough since the story is entirely focused on her.

I hope this helps. This has the potential to be a very entertaining story, as long as it's the story that's allowed to shine through. I look forward to seeing your next draft.