Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170204171646/@comment-24101790-20170204173802

First and foremost, I'd advise you to skim through Russel Braddon's "Year of the Angry Rabbit" as he handles a similar topic and since it is a difficult animal to make intimidating, you're going to need a lot of help as it currently feels like that joke skit from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. Right now it feels like it's trying more for a joke than a horror story like "Black Sheep" or "Night of the Lepus".

The descriptions are also problematic. Lines like: "The rabbit was a newborn, and the day before a fox had come a bit clean through its soft belly.", ". He sat on his bed sobbed.", "Oh, and before you ask the rabbits are still there, advancing on to gain more food.", etc. feel awkwardly worded. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself to try and catch these errors.

Story issues: The description also needs quite a lot of re-tooling. "The rabbits piled onto him, ripping off chunks of flesh and fur. Max howled, and tried to turn back, but was being pinned down by the rabbits."

Story issues cont.: The narrative voice really doesn't add much to the story. The frequent asides really detract from the story and don't provide new information which breaks up the story flow. "But anyway, I’m getting sidetracked, and you didn’t come here to learn about Jackson’s life story.", "Who’s Max? Oh yeah, I forgot, Jack had took his husky, Max, with him.", "And that was the end of Jacky boy. What? What happened to him?", etc.

Story issues cont.: Continuing with the narrative voice, telling the story passively towards the end really weakens the conclusion. "Well, eventually the rabbits broke in, and he picked off a few before running out. Time was up for him, and he went to a clearing and blew his brains out.", It sure did save him a lot of pain, and the rabbits shoveled down his brains during the whole night. Oh, and before you ask the rabbits are still there, advancing on to gain more food.", etc.

All in all, this story has quite a lot of problems and a majority of them stem from the wording, premise, and the method of narrative itself. Trying to salvage this story is going to require quite a lot of re-working and revision.