Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26407997-20150605051914/@comment-25947144-20150606124626

Ok, I'll try to go directly to the point. You can ask me if you want me to tell you grammar errors.

At a first sight, some parts are confusing. First of all, the location: you were talking about being in the master room of a house and I got this. But then you started talking about a helicopter appearing which makes us wonder: How big was the house? Did the protagonist went somewhere on the roof or did he just went to the balcony? This details can be very important.

Secondly of all, the police. "I could not believe the police had found us. How did they know we would be here tonight?", againts some beliefs, the police isn't full of clueless idiots. Well, not usually.

You said that you and your friend had an entire life of crimes, probably buying things with inexplicable money. Also, you said at the begining that your friend crossed at every red light ant that he went much over the speed limit. And since you weren't exactly serial killers or terrorist and you didn't tried to run or pointed a gun at them, they didn't have right to shoot you.

The family. Your dad died when you were 7 but you said your parents banned you from their home when you were 16 (they can't do that, by the way). So your mom married again with someone else? You didn't say much about your protagonist other than being a thief and liking it.

And that brings us to another problem: I hate your protagonist. I know he's supposed to be a horrible person who deserverves to go to hell, but you should never want to makes us hate the main charachter. Every succesfull story has protagonist that we can relate to. He speaks like an asshole. Also, he knows he's an asshole but he's fine with it.

The story itself very scary and the cocept has been used before. Also the story brings togheter the concept of ghost and afterlife which is surprisingly nonimportant. And the spirits seems to only care about his parents who "did so much for him" (but abandoned him when he was 16) and not a bit about the people who may have remained homeless because of him.

Sorry for the long comment and I hoped it helped.