Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34532494-20180218220153/@comment-34532494-20180218221955

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Note: I would suggest only using the writer's workshop if you are interested in actually improving your story. This repeats a large amount of the issues I pointed out in an earlier draft (some I even gave examples for like the capitalization and plot issues) and only really changes the ending. As such, I'm just copy/pasting my original feedback and adding only the bare minimum to point out new issues. I'm advising you to spend time on your story and only post a new revision when you have a heavily revised story as there was little here that couldn't have been changed in your other two posts.

I'm sorry but there are quite a lot of issues here. Beyond the mechanical errors, I'm noticing quite a lot of issues with the plot itself.

Capitalization: You tend to randomly (incorrectly) capitalize a lot of words: "For a long time, Nobody (nobody) knew what happened.", "People just assumed That (that) he died.", "In October of 1988, in Domburton, California; The (the) Mayor went Missing (missing).", etc. There are over a dozen other instances of this throughout the story.

Story issues: "Like anyone going missing, everyone forgot him. A new mayor was hired, and people moved on." Besides being awkwardly worded ("Like anyone going missing, everyone forgot him"), it really doesn't make much sense that such a high profile case would be forgotten so quickly. If you're looking to use that line, you should add a lot more to it to show the passage of time and explain what investigators were doing at that time which led to the case going cold.

Story issues cont.: The biggest issue here is that the journal entries are extremely rushed and don't really convey any tension or build up the story. This needs description if you're looking to create an image. What type of food is he giving? What threats are he making? (you add a little here, but it still feels bare bones and pretty bland.) What does the man look like? Also, there's almost a two week lapse between entries. What was he doie young in that time? The earlier entry made it seem like he has nothing in that room other than the journal and pencil. This lack of detail results in the story feeling bland and un-engaging.

Story issues cont.: The ending to the journal also creates its own plot holes. If the mayor escaped, why are they only hearing about this over a decade later? Why hasn't he contacted any authority (police, FBI, etc.).

I'm sorry but as it currently stands, I don't think this story is up to quality standards and needs quite a lot of revision and fleshing out. You had no need to straight up copy and paste that statment. Yes, I understand that there are errors, and thats why this is a draft. I gave description in the entries. I didnt say he killed himself, and infact made it so theres a reason they couldn't find him. I changed a lot of the capitalization. I feel that you didn't even read the story and you just skipped through it.