Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25073641-20160610180030/@comment-25569708-20160616010159

Hey RuckusQuantum, sorry it's taken a while to get feedback here. I've been meaning to take a look at this story for a bit, but boring real-life crap kept taking up my time, fortunately I was just now able to read through your story, and all I have to say is damn. I hope you're able to finish this thing eventually. But before we talk about the story, I just want to make note of some errors currently in your story, forgive me if I make any mistake:

"The President would be under' the dot." I don't think you intended to have that apostrophe after "under".

"Nothing didn’t seem wrong". This double-negative is saying the opposite of what I believable you want to.

"The bullet missed—at least that’s what he hoped for—its target and thought it landed on an inanimate object instead". This sentence could use a "he" in front of "thought".

"John had never seen her buy any clothes that seemed too red for her". You had been previously referring to JFK up to this point as "Jack", but here you say "John" and then revert to "Jack" after this sentence. I assume The Governor didn't think this, so I believe the use of "John" here is an error.

"Jackie leaned to her right and would have fallen to the carpeted floor hadn’t Jack caught him." Think you meant to put "her" at the end instead of "him".

"His nightmares, those he held back firmly at the back of his head for so long, we’re now uprising, making their violent return…" Think you meant to put "were" instead of "we're" here.

"He can take every madness that world throws at him". Think you meant to put "the world".

"No. Jackie, no.” he slapped her bloodied cheek again". "he" needs some capitalization.

"there was nothing he could do but stare frantic". I believe "frantically" is correct here instead of "frantic".

"when a housewife reported a burglar roaming the streets of After several seconds of silence and astonishment". Looks like two sentences got mixed up here.

"he asked what was happening and why he was receiving this strange, sudden orders". I think "these" is correct here, not "this".

"“'First' lady shot down.". Don't think you mean to include that apostrophe after "First".

Okay, now let's talk about a few things which I don't think are errors, but I just wanted to make sure they were intentional. Again, sorry if I fuck up somehow:

"What the hell’s happening? Lee wondered" Is "What the hell’s happening?" supposed to be unitalicized? I ask this because I am unsure if Lee is thinking this or if it is just the narrator/storyteller.

"I will kill you, Kennedy. Lee breathed in". Same case as above, but with the "I will kill you, Kennedy" part.

"This felt like a scene in a fairytale, only this had a touch of realism and modern". I'm not sure if "modern" is used correctly here, perhaps "modernness" is instead correct.

"he could wave and smile at this eager people all day and all night". When you say "this people" here, it's not necessarily incorrect (because of "people" as a singular noun), but I just wanted to make sure you didn't mean to put "these people" instead.

"Everyone was panicking, frantically running around for cover or two like rats scurrying out of a sinking ship". I'm not really sure what you mean here by "frantically running around for cover or two", since it feels awkward to refer to "cover" as a singular object.

Alright, now, let's talk about this awesome story. I suppose I should start out by saying that this pasta is written very well, I had to work to find errors here. The description of each scene and what the characters are thinking is handled well (You went by the Zapruder part a little quick though, as well as the part where the presidential procession is going normally, I think a few extra, descriptive sentences in either part would benefit the story). You managed to turn Lee Harvey into a somewhat-sympathetic character here, with his memories of his family and the drowned marines (which I did not know about) making an emotional impact here, at least with me. You still made it apparent that he was obviously basically insane and homicidal, though, so it's an interesting juxtaposition you've made here with Lee. You describe things well, and you seem to "cover all sides" of the scenes well. I can't really find any part of your writing here that I have issue with, except maybe that you jump around a biiiit too much. I know the JFK assassination was a massive event with a ton of different things happening all at once, but If you would just put some extra description/sentences in some of the smaller parts, I think you'd be better off. Not much else to say in the writing department, so I'll just say "good job" and move on now.

Okay, now for the story itself. Being in Lee's head was intriguing, and I enjoyed hearing his justification for JFK's murder. Reading JFK's thoughts was also interesting, but I think Lee had a bit more depth to his thoughts. Now, about the big twist with Jackie being shot. You somewhat threw me for a curveball here. I assumed that this story was just going to be the JFK assassination through Lee's head, and for the most part it was. You had me thinking that I knew what was going to happen. Then the story cut around through different scenes and my viewpoint on the pasta began to change. I knew there was something more to this story, I knew there was going to be a twist. I knew this twist was going to be big, but I never thought that it was going to be Jackie Kennedy being killed instead of JFK. I actually gasped out loud when I read that part, as I had so many other possibilities of the twist in my head. I thought that this twist you chose was very cool, and I am very anxious to find out what all really happened when you finish the story. I assume the umbrella man has something to do with her death, however, I am very curious to hear Lee's part in this. Either way, you have me very excited to read the rest of this pasta. And of course, I'm sure Tippit's part will be very important as well. I'm sure you'll do something interesting with him. All in all, great job with this story.

Alright, that's about all I had to say about this story. I hope it helps you a little, and I just have to say that I think the amount of time and research you have put into this story is stunning. The level of detail here is... extraordinary. I mean, going through the fucking Warren Report? I'm sorry, but I just think that's cool as shit. I can tell you really cared about the level of detail here, and I think the reader will really appreciate it. Please let me know if/when you finish this up. Great, great job.