Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24359178-20141010183018

This is a revised edition of my pasta The Silence Is Deafening. What do you guys think?

 Why? Why me? Why did she have to pick me? That damn voice… It started two months ago. The first words she ever said to me, I’ll never forget them. I was just waking up, brushing my teeth, doing my daily business in my rented apartment, when suddenly in the back of my mind I hear it.

 “Hello, I’m Mary.”

 I turned around startled, wondering who had gotten into my apartment. No one was there, the bathroom empty other than me. I turned back around and played it off as me hearing things. Which, well, that’s exactly what it was.

 I didn’t hear Mary for another week. I was leaving my work as a secretary at some lawyer firm when I hear her again.

 “Would you like to know some secrets?” This time I was sure I heard something. I spun around quickly, expecting it to be someone from work pranking me, but the courtyard I was in was completely empty.

 “Hello… Is someone there?” I asked uncertainly. Nothing answered me but the wind. Deciding to see my therapist next time I got the chance I turned sharply and walked quickly home, shooting glances over my shoulder every couple minutes.

 Three weeks later I had completely forgotten about the mysterious voice. I was lying in bed alone with my thoughts when Mary spoke yet again.

 “Hello again Rina.” A gleeful childish voice spoke up in my mind. I sat up straight in bed, looking around my apartment. “Hello? Who’s there? How do you know my name?” “I know quite a lot Rina. Just like I said last time little girl, I have many secrets I know.” I noticed now that the voice wasn’t coming from anywhere around me, but deep inside my mind. “Anyways, You’ll be hearing from me. Night night Rina.” As soon as these words were spoken I drifted off into a deep sleep.

 I woke up the next morning, and my mind instantly went to the strange conversation I had last night.

 “It’s gotta be a dream.” I muttered to myself, and started getting ready for yet another day of work. Today was a Friday, meaning I could get out to the bar tonight. Not like I was going solely to pick someone up, but my thoughts drifted towards the idea of having another girl’s warm body in my bed for the first time in a while. With any luck that could happen tonight. I finished getting ready on autopilot, thinking only of this and almost forgetting about Mary.

 Another long and boring day of work went by in a blur, and I was soon set to go to the bar. I walked slowly up to the counter, sat on a stool, and ordered a gin and tonic. I eyed the girls around the bar, seeing which ones might be nice to have with me tonight. My drink arrived quickly, and I sipped from it as I looked around. Suddenly, Mary spoke up again. “Having fun, sweetheart?” I nearly spit my drink out at hearing this now familiar voice. “What do you want? I hissed under my breath.

 “Just to help you out. Like I said, I know secrets. For instance, that black haired girl you’ve been eyeing up would definitely say yes to a… night out.” I thought about it suspiciously, then decided, hell, why not? If this voice in my head was right I would have a fun night. If not, well I don’t lose anything but a bit of dignity. I walked up to the girl a bit nervously. It had been a while since I last did something like this, and I didn’t know how she’d react.

 “Hey cutie," I said, twirling a bit of hair around my finger. "I noticed your black hair across the bar, and was wondering how it'd look when you're in my bed."

 She laughed a bit, looked around, then grabbed my hand. "Come on brown eyes, your place it is then."

 I smiled secretly at these words, silently thanking Mary.

 "Don't mention it Rina."

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> This wasn't the last time Mary talked to me, and it wasn't the last time she helped me out. For the next month Mary whispered at the back of my mind, telling me what to say or do, occasionally interspersed with secrets from the people around me. Eventually though, Mary stopped telling me useful things, and just kept whispering the secrets of others around me.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> "He's anorexic." She said as one slightly heavy guy walked past.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> "He's worrying if anyone will notice that bag of drugs he just bought there." She hissed as another guy went along his business, a slight bulge in one jacket pocket.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> It became more and more frustrating, having someone else's thoughts and someone else's life filling my head at all moments. Eventually, I tried to end it.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> Purchasing the necessary item was easy. The only thing I didn’t have at home was rope.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “Is that all?” The girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “Yeah, that’s it.” I stared into the worker’s face as she bagged my items, Mary telling me about her guilt over not talking to her mother in years.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “Have a nice day.” She said, handing me the bagged up rope.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “You too.” I answered, and walked away quickly, hiding the tears that were welling in my eyes from what I was about to do.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> I reached my house quickly and entered. The bottle of assorted pills from around the house was sitting on the table in the dining room, along with an antiemetic to stop me from vomiting them back up. I saw no reason to wait, and took them and the rope to my room, already darkened from the sun dropping slowly through the sky. I placed the pills on the nightstand next to a glass of water, and looked around for a place to tie the rope. My bed stood on two legs, the back of it bolted to the wall to prevent it from moving. This was where I decided to tie the rope. As I bent down to tie it around the leg nearest the window, Mary spoke again.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “The woman who first placed this bed here bolted it to the wall so it wouldn’t move and wake her kids. She had quite a few nighttime visitors, not all of which were her boyfriend at the time.”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> I ignored Mary’s voice and finished tying the rope, pulling hard on it to make sure it would hold. The rope stretched slightly, but held firmly no matter how hard I pulled. I fastened the end of it into a makeshift noose I learned how to make, and placed it around my neck, pulling it tight, but still loose enough to swallow and breathe. Taking the bottle of pills in my hand I swallowed them in three quick gulps, each one washed down by a bit of water from the glass on my nightstand. I took the antiemetic in my hand and swallowed it as well, finishing off the glass of water. I walked over to the window and pulled it open quickly, swinging my legs over and sitting on the ledge, three stories above the area. Mary spoke up one last time.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “The woman who lived here was thrown from this window after her boyfriend discovered her cheating on him one night. Her body laid on the ground, staining it red.”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> I almost laughed at these words. Though I was the second person through this window, my body would never hit the ground. As my vision darkened and my muscles grew weak from the effects of the pills I pushed myself off the ledge, my body dropping several feet before the strong rope went taut, snapping my neck almost immediately. The last thing I heard was a voice in the back of my mind, similar to Mary’s, but instead of a sweet little girl it had the voice of a demon.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “You’re mine now.” It said to me.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> I walked along slowly through the busy street, watching people not even react as I passed through them. I no longer heard Mary in the back of my mind, but I no longer needed to. Even as I looked at someone, their entire past filled my mind, streaks of memories and guilt and broken promises. Grief, anger, hatred, blood. I was lonely now, even starting to miss the childish voice that spoke in the back of my mind. I was so lonely, I walked up to a man, a tall man in a jogger’s outfit. His name was Sam and he used to hit his sister. I placed my lips near his ear, and spoke.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “Hello, I’m Rina.” He flinched and looked around, seeing nobody close enough to say anything to him. As thoughts and secrets from people around me flew through my mind, I knew the only to get rid of them.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> “Sam, would you like to hear my secrets?” <ac_metadata title="Secrets (Unreviewed)"> </ac_metadata>