Both

I’m dead. Both of us are. Me and my girlfriend. Even up until now I can hear her whisper in my head, and it continues to torment me. She’s in hell, and I’m here in the middle of nowhere, with only infinite whiteness surrounding me in all directions.

My God, please save us.

We tried to contact the Devil the night before we died. We followed a ritual our friend told us over lunchbreak. But it went wrong. One of the candles we used for the ritual was defective, and it burned out halfway through the ritual. The Devil was able to manifest himself physically, and he took us both with him to hell. Looking back, I know now that our “friend” was to blame for this. He wanted this to happen to us. He knew that we’d get curious about the ritual and try it out ourselves so that we’d go to hell. So that I’d go to hell. The cashier from the supermarket, too. She was must have conspiring with him, and didn’t tell us that the candles we were using were defective. She must have known we were going to do the ritual, so she placed the pack with the defective candle on top of the shelves so that we’d pick them. They planned this. They should go to Hell. They should go to Hell a million times over.

My God, please save us and curse them for eternity.

The Devil brought both of us to this world of infinite white. He told us that he “loved playing with humans”, and that “he’ll play with us too”. It was then that I knew fear far beyond any nightmare or anything on Earth can possibly give a human. We were at the mercy of the very incarnation of Evil himself, and I swear the fear alone could have killed me, had I been alive at the time.

My God, please save us.

He told us that he’d send one of us to Hell, and the other would have to go through “a lot of pain, but not quite Hell.” One of us was going to remain in this white world, and the other will go to a lake of fire in infinite darkness. Whoever was in the white world can wish to switch places with the one in darkness, and the person in the darkness will have all of his thoughts whispered into the other’s head. This was his “game”, and he told us that this “game” was never going to end, because he hated “ends”.

My God, you know how much suffering we’ve been through, please save us.

He took me first to the lake of fire. There are no words to describe the pain I felt in that black world. I could see nothing, almost as if my eyes have been gouged out of their sockets. I could hear the loud flames burn without light, and the pain ravaged every part of my body. I screamed as loud as I could for as long as I could, until my vocal cords were physically unable to do so. I was still trying to scream, not out of wanting someone to hear me, but out of the pain. I could do nothing but scream as every inch of my flesh was scorched by the flames in infinite darkness.

My God, why have you not saved me from there?

After a day or so of torment, the flames suddenly stopped. I opened my eyes and suddenly realized that I could see again. I was there in the world of infinite white. My girlfriend switched places with me. An indescribable feeling of gratitude and relief came over me, but it was suddenly replaced by guilt and dread. I could hear her screams in my head, and I knew that she was in my place. She was begging to be saved by me, seeking for the redemption I hold in my hands. Listening to her voice in pain reminded me of what I have experienced myself in that inferno, and every memory of that place has been burned into my mind like a hot iron brand on my skin. The pain in her voice made me feel the guilt of having her save me, but the fear of going back there stopped me from calling the Devil to save her.

My God, why have you given humans hearts to hurt themselves with?

Come the fourth day of being in that white world, and I still haven’t been able to get a wink of sleep. Brief periods of giving in to drowsiness came to me time and time again, but her screams would turn my rests into nightmares, and I’d suddenly wake up to remember what torment it is that I’m in. I’d have visions of her locking me up in that lake of fire and returning to her daily life as if nothing has happened, leaving me to suffer there for eternity. I wanted to save her from her pain, but the fear keeps me paralyzed and unable to do so. I have tried begging for the Devil to get us out of here, but he has not yet answered. For I know that he is only interested in seeing us suffer, and will only answer to me once I tell him that I will go back to that inferno.

My God, when will this trial of yours finally end?

By the seventh day, her screams of pain have quieted down a little. Occasionally, I’d hear her cries for redemption, but more often than not, I’d be hearing far worse things from her. She was cursing me, with resentment and anger in her voice. She wanted me to get her out of there very, very badly. She’d express her deep hatred for me, cursing me, shaming me, blaming me for my cowardice in not letting her go free from that place. I’d remember the times when we were happy, the times we were together, the times when we thought we were inseparable. Back when we were alive, back when I believed that we were truly meant to be together, with nothing able to break what it is we had together. But now, all of those times seem like distant dreams from where I am today. Now that I live through endless pain from ripping apart the bonds which used to make the entirety of me, I have truly understood the true meaning of loss. I thought that our love could transcend all barriers, but alas, love does not survive through pain. As I listen to her endlessly curse our relationship, our experiences and the entirety of me, I feel the pain she goes through in that dark world.

Oh God, why is love so fragile?

Today marks the tenth day of the two of us being trapped here. I still cannot find the strength in me to set her free, for fear and sadness are devouring what’s left of my humanity. But she no longer curses me. She no longer screams or weeps or threatens me. She whispers into my head sweet words, but I know that those words are loaded with poison. She tells me that she has found a way out of this place. She tells me that she knows how she can keep me safe. She tells me that she loves me, and that I should show her how much I love her. She tells me that she can give me rest, from everything that has been tormenting me. She tells me that she can give me the peace I long for – the peace I have not found in this place ever since we have been here.

The words are sweet, but the intent is deadly. All she wants me to do is to get her out of there, and I know that all she has said to convince me has been a lie. I know that she just wants to abandon me in that world of pain and darkness, and leave me there forever while she stays in this world of endless white. I know that with my mind, but somehow my heart wants to get her out of there. My heart wants to believe in her. Not because of love or trust or anything of the sort. It’s because I don’t want to be here any longer. I’m too tired to think about anything at all, for I have already experienced all kinds of pain in this white world I am in. There is no longer any hope of getting out, and there’s nothing good left for me here any longer. I may be afraid of the pain in that place of darkness, but beyond that, her words make me feel like she can truly give me the rest I long for. The rest I have desired for so, so long.

Of all of my prayers, you have answered none, But this time I beg you, please listen to your Son For the last he’ll ever ask, is what the Devil did not tell: Of the two worlds he’s been in, which one truly was hell?