Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4976667-20150724140048/@comment-26114676-20150724184342

Okay, let's see...I'll start with questions I have about this.

1. Is the guy possessed? (I’ll be damned if she isn’t gonna squeal. Please, please, I beg you, don’t hurt anymore!) Split personality?

2. What blood is he smelling? Is he just imagining the smell or does the girl have one of those forever bleeding papercuts?

3. Where was the girl going that was easily blown off to go have coffee with some strange guy she just met? A friends? Just out and about? Home?

Okay, now here are the things that should be redone- The paragraphs. Both accounts are big blocks of text that make it confusing to read when speakers change. So instead of-

“Yeah, well that’s the North for you, comes and goes.” It wasn’t really a joke, but we shared a nice laugh. “How about we grab a coffee? Help warm you up.” Without hesitation, I said, “Sure, I’d love to.”

It should be spaced to-

“Yeah, well that’s the North for you, comes and goes.” It wasn’t really a joke, but we shared a nice laugh.

“How about we grab a coffee? Help warm you up.”

Without hesitation, I said, “Sure, I’d love to.”

It gets difficult to read and know who is speaking when it's all together. Also, part of the reason for my questions is because of details. Little details make a big difference. The characters lack depth. A lot of it.

The guy is presented as little more than a schitzed out weirdo that's possibly done some bath salts. Every second sentence in his p.o.v. is like a neon sign that screams 'Behold! Does this validate me as a psycho, yet?'. Some regular details added in will really help break that up so gore isn't just consistently shoved into your face.

The girls entire purpose in this story is to be murdered and that's okay. All throughout literature, these secondary characters serve their purpose by existing solely to be killed. However, this girl is just really flat. There are no traits besides that she's polite and trusts random guys at bus stops way too much.

Flesh out the details to build your characters up instead of down, space your paragraphs and you'll have a nice story in no time!