Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-33288486-20171008005237/@comment-32461413-20171008032129

To start off, I strongly recommend checking out Grammarly;it will help out with some of the numerous grammar issues.

It's = it is. Its = possessive. You tend to put an apostrophe in places that don't need it. For example, "Now my patient's (patients) we will find our next victim at 235014..." In this case, patients is correct as patient's would be singular and possessive. This happens in numerous areas.

There are a lot of places that need commas. For instance: "You see Just (sic) like all the workers here I was kidnapped against my will and hypnotized." Commas allow the reader to breathe while reading. There are many places in need of commas.

In addition to grammarly, I would also check out the Style Guide, How to Write Creepypasta, and some writing advice blogs. The Style Guide serves as a great reference for grammar; if you're ever confused on when you should use a certain punctuation mark or not, the Style Guide is a good resource. The other two links will help with the story elements that I will get into.

I would take out all the notes you have before the story starts. The one about the story causing PTSD doesn't really serve a purpose as the story itself doesn't have anything to do with that. The note about the factory kidnapping people and turning them into the virus completely gives the whole story away; what's the point of reading if we already know what happens? Additionally, I don't think the mention about the story taking place before phones were invented helps; there's more than one way to track people, plus, people avoid tracking even with phones.

The story is hard to follow. I see that multiple people are telling the story, but why not use a script format instead of tagging names at the end? Especially how the first speaker doesn't have that.

How does the first speaker know the whole process of killing people and turning them into DNA? They seem to know much detail but there really isn't a reason why. Also, how the person know the software that is used? Why would a prisoner need to know that?

The name of the software and the name of the prisoners look like you just smashed the keyboard. There's even punctuation marks which makes it feel more clunky. Would you pronounce these names by reading off a bunch of letters and randomly saying "comma" in the middle? What about the spaces?

Who is "me?" Is that the first speaker or someone else? There isn't resolution.

Characters need some kind of introduction. Dr. T is pretty self explanatory, but Micheal? Who's that?

The paragraph about death seems unneccesary and obvious. Of course death is either natural or forced. But there's more ways of dying than just natural deaths and being killed by someone.

Murder and manslaughter are arguably the same thing. The context doesn't help separate the two either.

Why must the deaths be so inhumane? They could just as easily use a lethal injection as it would be cleaner and more efficient. Slaughterhouses for example don't send live cows to people with knives to be stabbed to death.

What does it matter how long the virus took to make? Why is the length of time so specific?

Why is the email censored? It comes off as distracting.

There really isn't a context for the story. Why is this dialouge published? How did it get released? Etc.

Lastly, I would really check out the list of blacklisted subjects. This story can be argued to be a haunted file story which is not allowed on this wiki. If after making revisions you still want to publish the story, you can either make a case at the Spinoff Appeal to see if your story is an exception to the rules. However, your best bet would instead to take the story to the Spinpasta Wikiwhich specializes in subjects that are blacklisted here. It's run by pretty much the same people as this wiki and is also quite similar to this one.

Overall, I strongly suggest checking out some of the links that I provided; they will help tremendously improve your writing. I nonetheless enjoyed the concept of your story and I would like to see it go further. I especially would like to see you explore more with computers in a pre-celluar phone age. I especially recommend reading your story out loud as well to catch some of these mistakes as you will be able to spot them easier than just reading in your mind.