Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181117043002/@comment-36393004-20181119192102

Banned In CP wrote: "That is what we are truly afraid of: the unknown." Should replace the comma with a colon.

I would also remove the first "The truth is" in the first paragraph, but keep the second one. The two introductory statements feel repetitive placed right next to each other, but don't feel like an intentional rhetorical device.

I'd also suggest actually typing out the dialogue between Heather and the narrator to help bring the story to life and add tension. Show, not tell.

"As she continued with her story, I was drawn in." (3rd Paragraph) Add a comma after "story."

It's a good classic shadowperson concept, but I feel like it's lacking in the flavor department. By that, I mean that it just feels like a play-by-play of events, rather than something that comes to life and builds tension. I would go back and add in the dialogue, add action tags that convey emotions through body langguage rather than stating the emotions, build the scenes, etc.

I also feel like with a piece this short, the falling action is too long and takes away from the effect. I would honestly go for a dramatic one or two sentences after the screen goes black. But again, I think it has potential.

I'm also don't really see the connection between the title of the story, other than the word "dark" describes the shadows Yeah, I had the name first and a basic concept. I have been thinking I need to change the title too.