Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28574767-20160712103615/@comment-28266772-20160712152501

Anyone remember that awesome video game that was released back in 2008? [yes – it was stupendously popular and it’s only eight years ago] The zombie FPS shooter? I saw numerous compliments on that game and watched those walkthroughs on Youtube [not sure this is necessary to tell us]. Only in 2013 I managed get a copy of it on Ebay. [This sentence is structured all wrong, it needs a rewrite] There was only one [only one what? Are you describing the auction process to us? Do you think that’s the sort of thing we need to know?] so I was overjoyed when I got my hands on it. It was cheap too;$4.68. [space after every single piece of punctuation other than an apostrophe, and do we really need to know the price, is that useful?] I waited for 2 days before it finally arrived. I tore open the package and kissed the disk inside it [as is perfectly normal]. I boosted [do you mean booted?] up my computer and waited for the game to be installed for 3 hours [I installed l4d on release and it didn’t take this long] (I was using a Windows 7 back then) [holy shit this makes me feel old].

Finally [comma] it was done. I clicked open the game and it finished loading in no time flat [despite using the ancient technology of your forefathers – windows 7]. I went for the 'single-player' mode first and started to load the campaign;No Mercy [again: punctuation]. It loaded up as it should be, however, the helicopter that was supposed to be flying by was missing. I dismissed it as a regular bug and grabbed for the first aid and the uzi. Weird though, as everything I had is labelled as. I did not care much. As long as they are useable, I am [was] fine with it.

Normally, zombies should spawn and we will be killing through them [super duper awkward wording – should be “we would kill them”]. However, there is [was] not a single one [one what? Be specific] in sight, not even special infected. The deeper we are [were] into the game, the more often my teammates will [would] make [a] comment that a [ <- no ‘a’ here]shouldn't even be in the game.

[don’t switch from narrative to transcript without some sort of explanation. In this case traditional speech marks would suffice]

Zoey:I think we should go back.

Bill:I don't really like this place.

Francis:Where are they?

[also how would this guy know what they should have been saying – he hasn’t played it before]

Finishing the levels were a breeze, that is, until the Rooftop stage. The second I called in the radio, the game froze for a bit [surely it just ‘froze’ full stop] and the screen turned black. I panicked as I thought the game had crashed. For 5 seconds, it stayed like that until the colours came back again.[space]The screen had been smeared with blood and all my teammates are [were] dead. Dead zombies were littered across the map. I walked around the map for 15 minutes back and forth until a chat message from a player called 'Jacked' appeared at the left of the screen.

"Get out of MY game... NOW!"

I had no idea what is [was] happening as I am [was] certain I am [was: Jesus – pick a tense and stick to it] playing in single-player. I replied back [no need to say back] with: [no colon, new speaker new line] "Who are you?" There was no reply after that. Slowly, but surely, the music when there is a witch nearby started playing. In fact, it was so loud that I had to turn off the stereo but it continued playing. At that point, I was ready to break. The music is [was] only getting louder by [with] every minute. I even tried the main power button. It did turn [turned not did turn] dark, but the screen is [was] still on. Finally, the caption 'Rescue is here!' appeared.

It points [pointed] to the edge of the building.

And I jumped off...

The mysterious suicide of the man named Daniel Brock still remains unsolved after several residents caught him jumping off his balcony on the 10th floor of his apartment in Florida.[space]The police did find his computer running a video game called Left 4 Dead in his apartment.

With the words, GAME OVER...

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<p class="MsoNormal">So you need to pick a tense and stick to it. You need to proof read your work and use spellcheck to identify obvious spelling and grammar mistakes. You need to read this style guide to know how to properly format your stories and use punctuation. You need to read this guide to get a sense of how to put a story together. And you need to read this guide to get a sense of what cliches to avoid. And finally you need to read this list to see that haunted file/game pastas are almost always deleted due to the blacklist. You can either post them at the spinoff wikia, or on another wikia that allows them (there are many) but this wikia stopped them because the site was flooded with them and no one could find decent stories due to the thousands of terrible spinoffs.

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