Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27859657-20160713044525/@comment-24101790-20160713050301

Seems like you're repeating all the same issues I pointed out earlier. Really, you're not going to improve and your stories are going to keep getting deleted if you refuse to put even a few minutes into proof-reading and looking at suggestions/advice.

You fail at capitalizing a number of sentences and proper nouns ("while (while) alive shiro (Shiro)was born with disabled legs, having to spend her life in a wheel chair.", "This is how she got the name miss (Miss) candy (Candy) cane (Cane).", "From then on shiro had been consuming large amounts of sugar", etc. Wording issues: Awkward/incorrect wording. "while alive shiro was born with disabled legs, having to spend her life in a wheel chair.", "This was the cause of her bulling. (bullying?)", "Her most favorite candy, a sweetness she would refused to make for anyone." It feels like you're missing some words here.) "One day certain people went back to bulling her, offering candy again, they just took it but that did not keep the insults from coming.", "Shiro still continues this even beyond her grave identified as a demon like creature and sometimes even mistaken as the slender man… ",  etc.

Wording issues cont.: "the sugar gave her a (an) oversize smile and had whiten her skin because there was to (too) much sugar in her blood.", "She began luring people into a dark ally poising (posing?) them with candy  and then would take there (their) body parts  and organs and bake them into her candy and sweets.", etc.

Story issues: I'm sorry, but it seems like you're going to have to do quite a bit to make the bullies less cartoonish. Who exactly bullies a crippled girl in a wheelchair for no reason? Additionally, if Shire is paralyzed below the waist, how exactly is she overpowering people. Moreno, if she's paralyzed, how is she standing up in the OC drawing? It feels like you didn't put a whole lot of thought into this story.

Story issues cont.: "the sugar gave her a oversize smile and had whiten her skin because there was to much sugar in her blood." How exactly does sugar do this to the body? It feels like you're trying to force your character's appearance and not bothering to give it a believable explanation. On top of all this, why make the comparison to Slenderman? Looking at the image, there's little to no similarities.

Story issues cont.: The story feels incredibly rushed and lacks any real sense of description to build up a story or make the characters believable. "One day certain people went back to bulling her, offering candy again, they just took it but that did not keep the insults from coming." So getting knocked out of her chair causes her to randomly start murdering and cannibalizing people? While getting thrown out of a wheelchair is cruel, it comes off as a ridiculous over-exaggeration to start killing and eating people due to this. These aren't all the issues, but since this isn't a complete story, I rather not spend too much time on an unfinished product.