Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25477067-20141117201841/@comment-25701413-20141118012823

Ah, the problem with this one is that crime against humanity you've got going on page 2.

But seriously, I can see why it got responses the first time you posted it. 'Haunted files' kinds of pastas are cliche, but I liked this one. It's refreshing to see someone actually seeking IT support before paranormal happenings begin, then trying to get away immediately after they do. Also good to see that you've got the spelling and grammar down, as that's something that kills a lot of stories.

There are, however, some minor points that I feel take the reader out of the pasta slightly:

When the morse code (Quite liked that play on it with the title) pops up on screen, you don't really describe it as such until you actually put it in the next paragraph. Instead of referring to symbols, perhaps you could say it was morse code, as someone with a book on codes would likely recognise it. It might also be worth making that binary "no" into "-. ---" for the sake of consistency. Additionally, it might be worth changing how the character comes across the final morse code message, as nobody would remember that long a string of characters, but then I'll freely admit that point is just nitpicking.

When the character's car is rolling towards the "slow moving bus," it does seem a little comical, as the image of a bus moving slowly enough across a single junction for a guy to see it, have an internal debate, make a phone call, and still hit it is a bit ridiculous. Perhaps change the bus to a busy road? It would keep the element of danger and the risk posed to others, without seeming too outlandish.

Finally, a slightly larger suggestion with the ending. If it doesn't fit with your vision of the story then feel free to ignore, as it's just my opinion. Instead of the usual 'I know guns can't hurt it, you're next', perhaps have the character cradling a gun, prepared to at least try to survive, with the ending a promise to update soon along with a relatively old timestamp. For a character who had seemed to be actively resisting the monster's will, just giving up and pleading to thier blog post seems a little out of character, and of course the "monster saying you're next" ending slips into cliches the story had been fairly good about avoiding. Even keeping the ending and letting the story end just before the character's death would leave more of an impact.

As far as description goes, I feel for the first three quarters it has enough to pull the reader in, but the ending comes across a bit weaker. I think that devoting some more description to the dreams and distortions the monster is causing in the character's world/mind would convey why it's brought our main character to desperate terror by the last paragraph.

While that seems like a long list of things, I did rather enjoy the pasta, best summed up by the fact that during the multiple re-reading for some of the comments I wasn't bored by it. Some minor changes and it'll be in good shape.