Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29458657-20160908131851/@comment-28266772-20160927151148

Somewhere, near the ocean, there is a peculiar land which throws the people who come by into a new world, one where the sane mind wouldn’t like to dwell in. This place is where the wind throws chunks of rocks from the gloomy hill, where the water is colored like poison and where a small broken boat lies by the shore, a boat which no one touches, for they say it will bring the boatman’s spirit with the new owner. This is the painful place that the locals refer to as The Land Where Fire Never Burns.

Most people who feel the need to see if something changed on the land climb up the gloomy hill and look down. However, this place is not good to linger on, since you can feel a hand, at first lightly touching you, but later pushing you off the hill. You will fall on [onto] the perilous land, where the sand will devour you and take you into the abyss.

There are all sorts of stories about this small piece of land that nobody dares to walk on, except when necessary and always running [I wonder whether the last part of this sentence is actually necessary]. Some talk about an old haunted ship which sank not far from here. Others talk about the so-called Dark Traveler who stopped in his path on the Land Where Fire Never Burns and there, judging on [no need for ‘on’]    his actions, decided to commit suicide. No one talks about who he is and how he haunts, but what all locals know is that this place is bad and no one should stop there at any cost, for those who do, never come back.

[Right so far all is good – you’ve established a setting and you’ve got a unique, interesting, style]

I will tell you in detail only one tragic event that took place there for certain. It was evening and a group of five teenagers who were in the mood for camping, set up their tents on the land. They knew, of course, about the darkness that rests there, but they thought they were strong since they had each other.

There were three boys and two girls, all of them from the local high school. They were in love with adventure and all that's weird, and they felt the need to try this [this = what?]. The one who came up with the idea, Cody, was alsothe [also the] first one who stated that it was wrong. He said it before all hell broke loose, but his buddies no longer cared and he went with them, as he thought they would make a laughingstock out of him if nothing went wrong. '[this is still a bit weirdly worded. Try to be clearer] 'The others were, Justin, Laura, Sean and Brenda.

The sun was still shining while they were setting up their tents. Sean was helping Laura, hoping to make her his girl, Justin was always eating and the others were just setting up their tents while turning constantly, as you never feel safe on this land. It’s as if [It’s as if -> For] even though there is an evil force that rests on this land, it still has something good in it, trying to warn those who linger too much [long]. After putting up their tents, they started playing around, trying to invoke the beings, but with no success.

“Dingy spirit of madness, rise up to meet us, please!” Cody said.

“And don’t forget to show us your boobs!” added Justin.

They were all having a good time in some way, except for Laura, who was staring at the hill as if in trance. Her worried boyfriend, Sean, went to Cody: [Cody,]

“Hey, Cody, you were with Laura last time, what’s wrong with her?”



“Mmm, I don’t know.[know,]” said Cody.

Cody then turned to Laura and started shouting. Sean rapidly stopped him and ran up to his girlfriend. Stopping by her side, he asked: '[he asked, / also this is a weird interaction. It feels odd.]'

“What are you doing?” She didn't turn. Sean looked at her and saw that she was trembling slowly in fear. In a moment of bewilderment, he grabbed her shoulders and turned her to him. She seemed like she woke up from a nightmare. Sean asked: [okay to save time – in the future precede dialogue with a comma, not a colon]

“Are you all right?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, well, I was a little scared.” responded her. [she responded.]

<p class="MsoNormal">“A little scared? You were trembling! And why?” asked Sean with bewilderment.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I think I saw a burnt body on the hill.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean looked to the hill, but he didn't notice anyone. It was the same gloomy and awkwardly-shaped hill, nothing was new about it. Cody came by and asked them what happened. Laura went away and the boys shrugged their shoulders. Then Sean ran up to Clara, grabbing her hand, and addressing her:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Baby, if you saw [see] a person there, then warn us. He might be dangerous!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I’m not sure I actually saw him.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“And well, did you?” Sean asked.

<p class="MsoNormal">“No. You know, let’s mind our own business.”

<p class="MsoNormal">They hugged and went to Sean’s tent. [I’ve just realized that you replaced Laura with Clara – you need to fix this]

<p class="MsoNormal">Night came suddenly. The crickets were singing. The teenagers were now trying to prove the theory: seeing if they can [could] set up [no ‘up’] a fire in this place. The five sat on the sand, forming a circle and using Clara’s [Laura’s] flashlight to see each other. Justin took out his box of matches. Jokingly, he said:

<p class="MsoNormal">“If this doesn’t work, we’re officially screwed!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh, shut up! We have flashlights!” said Brenda.

<p class="MsoNormal">They tried once, twice, and it didn't work as tales are almost never just words in vain. They laughed at this, either because of the unnatural phenomena [phenomenon] or to hide their fear.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hey, guys, maybe that box of matches doesn’t work.” said Laura.

<p class="MsoNormal">“It works just fine, thank you.” responded Justin

<p class="MsoNormal">“Sean, please bring your flashlight." said Cody.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean went to his tent to bring up his flashlight. He entered the tent and opened his backpack. He rummaged through the mass of unnecessary things and found his flashlight. He turned it on and the light was blue. Sean laughed and got out of the tent. But as he looked towards his friends, the smile on his face disappeared. There were five people sitting down in a circle talking. He couldn't point out to who was missing as Laura’s flashlight was off. His heart was pumping as he was afraid to approach his friends, as if they were strangers.

<p class="MsoNormal">He waited a little and then he took up the courage to raise his flashlight towards them. Only then they turned to him. The fifth one was another teenager, a girl, but with her eyes missing. She seemed to have had eyes, but they were sewn shut. Like his friends, she stared at him. Trying to take his eyes off her, [no comma] Sean asked his buddies:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Who is she?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Cody answered:

<p class="MsoNormal">“She’s Lucy. She’s our new buddy. Come over here and get yourself known to her.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“When did she show up. I mean, I sat there, in my tent, just about a minute.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Justin laughed, Lucy smiled and the others looked worried. Then Justin looked back at Sean and said:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Bro, you actually sat there about thirty minutes. She just showed up in the meantime. A stranger thing is why your flashlight is made [no ‘made’] blue.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I didn’t make it blue!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“You should’ve made it red! At least it would’ve been scary.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I did not make it like this. This is how it is!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Okay. Come over.” [said?]

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean gulped and made slow steps towards the group. As he was pointing his flashlight at them, he saw how they just kept staring at him, unmoving. He then stopped.

<p class="MsoNormal">Again, he felt like he was about to join some strangers who might want to harm him. He asked:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Why did Laura switch off her flashlight?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Lucy looked scary. Justin pointed out that we should stop our flashlight.” [flashlight,] said Cory.

<p class="MsoNormal">”Now, would you come over?” Laura said.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Okay. I’ll come.” [come,] said Sean.

<p class="MsoNormal">He continued to walk towards them, making slow movements.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Why do you keep staring at me?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Cory said:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Because you’re behaving weird.” [put ‘Cory said’ after what he says]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Am I behaving weird? How the hell?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Dude, you stayed thirty minutes in there. We thought these ghosts killed you and decided to go there and see what happened, but then you appeared with your weird flashlight and you’re wondering why are we [we are] staring at you?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“To make sure you won’t kill us, that’s why!” Cory and Brenda said.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean then talked, this time feeling embarrassed:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well, you came up with a fuckin’ eyeless girl, not me!”

<p class="MsoNormal">Suddenly, the new girl stood up and walked up to him. Sean stepped back.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Stay away from me, freak!”

<p class="MsoNormal">Then his girlfriend also stood up and told him to calm down. As Laura told him this, he felt safer. He stopped walking back and allowed Lucy to touch him. She put her hands over him and then she moved her head close to his ear and she moaned:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Sean, you should remember me. I was always with you, helping you, and now you run away. It’s Laura, she hurts you always and yet you love her. Why don’t you love me?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean was too scared to tell her anything. Lucy looked at him as if trying to see into his soul and then put her hands on his shoulders and mildly dragged him to his friends. She made him sit on the floor near them.

<p class="MsoNormal">“See, she’s friendly!” Laura said.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, she is. But still creepy.” responded Sean.

<p class="MsoNormal">They stood there a long time, talking to each other as if nothing was ever wrong, actually trying to hide their fear for the girl and the random appearances of shadows near the sea. [This occurs out of nowhere – you need to slow things down before speeding them up like this.] But suddenly, Cody was picked and dragged away by an unseen force. The others rapidly turned their eyes and flashlights to the place where his screams were coming from, but they couldn’t see him. As Sean turned back, he found Lucy in front of him, ready for a kiss. Laura turns [turned] her flashlight to Lucy and shouts: [shouted]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Lucy, that’s not funny! Cody is gone!”

<p class="MsoNormal">Lucy turned to her, studying her with her missing eyes as Laura started to feel a little less fine in Lucy’s presence and then went back. Justin left in a hurry, shouting for Cody while in his search. Brenda rose up and followed him. Now, there are [were] just three people in the circle. Laura is now [you’ve changed tense and this isn’t the first time I’ve pointed this out] fully frightened and slowly slides [sliding] away from Lucy, but then she turns [turned] to her. Even eyeless, Lucy’s gaze seemed to enter deep into Laura’s soul, trying to search something that will [would] be used to destroy her. Then Laura screamed, got up and ran away, but Lucy got up too and jumped over her like a wild animal, biting her.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean ran for his life, illuminating his path with his blue flashlight. He saw the shadows blocking his way, but he evaded them. He then saw the river of blood, lining the sand. He stepped in the blood, running away but the blood seemed to never end. After a few minutes, he discovered his friends, with only their heads and hands out of the sand, begging to be saved. Sean leaned over Cody, grabbing his hand. He tried to drag him out, but instead Cody took Sean down. Then the sand erupted and two thin tentacles in putrefaction grabbed Sean. He tried to break free with all his might, but the tentacles pulled him into the ground.

<p class="MsoNormal">There, he could no longer seeing anything. Sean felt the sand digging into his ears and his nose. He felt like suffocating. Then suddenly he heard a mumbling voice, unclear, but speaking as if someone was behind him. The voice was giving him an order. Before the end of the sentence, Sean blacked out. He woke up. Sean looked around, trying to discover his location. He seemed to be in a small cave. Upon rising, he noticed that his body felt different, but he didn't know what really happened to him. He got out of the cave, still feeling dizzy.

<p class="MsoNormal">It was night. Sean stepped on the calming sand and approached the water as blue waves were spreading over the sand. Suddenly, a voice attracted him. Someone was calling to him. A strong light emerged from Sean’s left. He turned, discovering an older man looking at him. This man became afraid. He trembled. Sean stepped [walked] towards him, but he ran away. There was something different about Sean now besides his new appearance. He felt the need to run too, but after the man. He put his fingers on the ground and, looking at the man who had his foot stuck in the sand. Then Sean rushed to the creeped '[creeped? Doesn’t make sense] 'man, ready to bite him.

<p class="MsoNormal">And so the hunted became the hunter and he has this peculiar land to thank for this. There are thousands of stories about this place. However, some are true and some are not. She met me at midnight not far from there and told me this true event. I’m now waiting for you to come in here, at the shore near the ocean, beyond the gloomy hill, in the Land Where Fire Never Burns.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – wording/tense issues remain the biggest problem. I’ll continue to correct these in future drafts but let me make some general recommendations. 1 – don’t use ‘then’ more than once per five hundred words. It’s a shit word and it tricks people into writing badly. Avoid it. 2 – keep a sentence simple. If you can remove words and it still makes sense then remove those words – the only exception are adjectives. Don’t remove adjectives. Example?

<p class="MsoNormal">He felt the need to run too, but after the man. -> He felt the need to run too, but after the man. -> He felt the need to run after the man. / Still makes sense, fewer words. Remember this rule and remember the exception – keep adjectives, but trim other words.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – covered by the ‘then’ rule. But again more generally you tend to tell and not show. Cody is plucked away. Brenda runs after him. Cody runs in another direction. Laura does this. Bill does this. Then jimmy does this. Then Phil does this. Then this happens. Then this happens. Then this happens. – It’s boring and basic and needs to be improved. Read other stories to see how they deal with action and adopt their approaches.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – So we’re finally at a point where we can deal with the plot. Three parts. Intro, campfire, deaths. The intro is cool, the campfire is stilted and weird, and the deaths are rushed and clichéd. Where does the tentacle come from? Why does Sean get turned into a monster? Where does the old man come from? Etc. etc. What happens doesn’t make a lot of sense.

<p class="MsoNormal">There’s a lot of moving parts. Tentacles, rivers of blood, bodies buried in sand, burned bodies, girls without eyes, blue lights, time warping tents; any one of these needs an entire story on its own. Think about focusing on one, and only one. Also, on an unrelated note, why does no one freak the fuck out at the girl with no eyes? I didn’t really believe the kids’ reaction to that.