Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29076144-20161016043829/@comment-29507836-20161020114458

Growing up as a kid, everyone hears those crazy stories and legends about the unnatura[, a]nd most kids are quick [to] believe those stories. I was 12 years old, and I lived in [a] decent sized suburban neighborhood. It was covered with trees, especially huge maple and pine trees that towered over the houses. The neighborhood seemed big for a kid, but wasn’t actually all that big. I had about four other friends that lived in there too. We would hang out sometimes and ride our bikes around the neighborhood. About a block from [my(?)] house was an old, decaying, red, wooden house with a brownish-blueish roof. The yard was overgrown and the amount of trees in it covered it like a blanket. We called it the Scary House. I was legitimately scared of that place. There were all sorts of stories about it. Apparently there was biker in the neighborhood who went missing one night, and they found his bicycle on top of the roof of the house. A team of construction workers tried to destroy the house, but were chased out by some sort of monster. My favorite one was about 13 different ghosts that haunted it. Each one had a different ability. One could always hear you and another could always see you. I only really ever half-believed this stuff, and I only got more doubtful as I got older. Two of my friends that lived in my neighborhood were older than the rest of us. One of them was sort of a jerk. His name was Allen, and he was always doing stupid things[, but] he wasn’t annoying enough to [the point] w[h]ere we hated him.

We were nearing the end of October, and Halloween decorations had filled the streets. I had just gotten out of school and was riding my bike home with David, my other friend, and Allen[.]

“Hey dude, you know what would be sick?” Allen shouted out to us.

“What,” I replied, only paying half-attention.

“This Halloween, we should actually go inside of the Scary House.”

“Do you know how stupid that would be'''[? I]'''f we got caught we would get in so much trouble. They could get [the] police involved, that shit’s illegal, even if it is abandoned,” David said to him with a stern voice.

“Don’t be scared guys, I can get us all in without anybody finding out,” Allen called out back.

This idea did sound a little stupid to me, but I did think it could be fun. I had always wondered what the inside looked like. We never got to see it, as most of the windows were boarded up.

“I’ll ask Jim if he wants to go,” I said to Allen.

“John! Don’t be such an idiot dude!” David yelled at me.

“It’ll be fine bro, nothing bad ‘ill happen. Dude, it will be fun,” I responded.

David looked down.

“Fine, i’ll think about it,” he finally said.

---

Days went by and decorations filled up the streets. Everything from jack-o-lanterns to pop up ghosts, skeletons, and monsters. Jim agreed to go to the house, and so did Allen’s friend Elliot[, b]ut David was slow to decide. We would bother him everyday at school to go with us. The day before Halloween, a Friday, he finally agreed to go with us. I think he just caved in to peer pressure. His only condition was that we stayed in there for an hour, and no more.

---

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">Halloween had finally come. [T.V.] channels were playing horror-movie marathons, and I had been sitting on the couch all day, eating candy.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“So[,] what are you gonna do tonight[,] John?” My mom asked me when she got home from work.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“I’m going out with Jim and David,” I didn’t tell her about Allen and Elliot, as my parents didn’t like them and thought they were a bad influence.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Aren’t you too old to trick-or-treat?” My mom chuckled a little.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Nah, I bought a dinosaur costume that looks like it will scare the crap outta people! Plus, free candy!” I proudly told her.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Alright, just whatever you do, stay out of trouble. And don’t get hurt!”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“I won’t Mom…”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">---

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">The sun began set[ting]  around six o’ clock. By then, we were already getting anxious[,] kids ringing our doorbells, begging for candy. They were all wearing different sorts of costumes. Everything from ghosts and clowns to robots. It was my job to hand out the candy to the kids. Around 8:30 I got [a] hard knock on my door. I came to the door expecting more kids, but instead I was greeted with David and Jim, who weren’t wearing costumes and asking for candy.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Dude, you ready to go,” David asked me.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Yeah bro. Hey Mom, [I]’ll be back in an hour!” I screamed out before leaving my house. David and Jim had their bikes sitting on the sidewalk. I went around to my backyard to get mine and came back with the grey bike.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“You sure you want to do this man?” David asked me one more time.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Just chill dude, it’’ll be fine,” I said back to him with an annoyed tone. We rode in sile[nce] to the house. It was a full moon tonight, and pretty cloudy too. Even thought it was getting pretty late, there were still a good amount of tricker-treaters out. The Scary House was only a block away from my house, so it didn’t take long to get there. When we arrived, Allen and Elliot were sitting by the gate to the backyard.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Yo what’s up guys, y’all ready?” Elliot smiled when we came up. They both had flashlights and Allen had [a] backpack on. We waited a while for it to be completely clear from other people. Luckily[,] [the police didn't drive by] because a group of teenagers sitting outside an abandoned house on Halloween looked pretty suspicious. We climbed over the gate and jumped into the overgrown backyard. There was a turned over stone bench, and what looked like a car from the 70s parked in the garage. Allen immediately went up to the backdoor and turned the rusted bronze handle, which caught on the lock.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“No shit it’s going to be locked[,] bro!” Elliot made fun of him. Allen ignored him and pulled a crowbar out of his backpack. I suddenly felt uneasy about this whole thing. David and Jim’s eyes widened. He brought the crowbar down on the handle again and again till it broke off; and then preceded to kick the door in. Elliot and Allen turned on their flashlights and stepped in. We followed. There were white sheets covering all the furniture, and everything was covered in dust.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">I felt chills run down my spine. We came to the kitchen and Allen took off his back[pack] and pulled a black box out of it. He set the box on the table and pulled out a board and another object. Elliot shined his flashlight on the board, revealing [an] Ouji board. I felt my heart drop.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Oh no, no!” Jim yelled out. It was the first time he had spoken all night. Jim was a shy kid, but he loved horror movies. He had always thought stuff like this was too far [though,] and he, like me, was legitimately scared of it.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“What the hell is this?” David scorned Allen with a disappointed look on his face.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Geez guys[,] just calm down, you gotta do more than just look around inside this house. There is only one real way to find out if this is haunted,” he replied with a sly smile. Allen and Elliot sat down. I hesitated for a few seconds then followed them. My parents had always told me to stay away from this game, but now I was curious…

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">David looked at me with disapproval. Jim’s eyes darted between the three of us and David. He finally decided to sit down at the table.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Well? Are you with us or not?” Allen smiled at David. David [sighed] loudly and sat down.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Good,” Allen reacted with satisfaction. He put [a] glass cup upside down on the board and we all put our hands on it. Elliot had a slight smile on his face, as if he wasn’t taking it seriously and trying to stifle back laughter.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Is there anyone here that would like to talk to us?” Allen asked aloud. Elliot giggled. We waited and waited, but nothing happened.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“If there is anyone here, please tell us now!” Allen shouted, a little angrier and more authoritative. The glass began to move, starting at Y then to E  and  S.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“Stop messing with us, you’re doing that!” David looked at Allen with a steely expression.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">“I swear [I]’m not doing anything!” Allen sounded like a little kid on Christmas.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">---

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">I'll stop the editing from here on out, I think you should proofread the rest. To be honest, I didn't appreciate the pasta; it was just the usual cliche of "teens doing something scary for fun". You didn't really add any good twists to it, your wording was off, and your description on the events and sequence of events were horrid.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">It also seems like there is no feeling. Sure, they laugh and they get scared, but that's it. You never really showed a true sign of emotion, in my opinion. The story and its pace also seemed rushed.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;">Overall, I think this is not good enough. Sorry, but I have to be honest. Message me if you want any more reviews on any of your stories, I'll still be interested. Keep in touch!