Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-4715955-20151230101603

I like the intro suggesting that the narrator has done this heinous thing, as it leaves us wondering why he did it and how we could possibly sympathize with him, which is intriguing. He obviously had a reason, or thinks he did anyway, so I'm curious to see that reaons and judge for myself.

The biggest issue with the story is that a lot of these passages need to be more concise, to make the reading experience smoother. This passage is one of the wors offenders:

''However, what is even more unbearable to me is that if I continue to live, I will soon exist to be the murderer in the midst of the night who kills the slime of Raleigh’s urban underbelly. ''

It's a Godzilla of a sentence: huge, unwieldy, and wrecking everything around it. You could easily cure it with, I'd rather be a suicide than a murderer.

My mind was virtually exhausted from a tough day of work, and weariness was ebbing way at my strength.

Another example, with weird word choices to boot. "Virtually" serves no purpose, and "weariness was ebbing way at my strength" feel like you're suddenly trying to write like Poe or something. The narrative would benefit from being more bare-bones overall, partly because the attempts at eloquence fall flat, and partly because nobody would write a suicide note like this anyway. They'd get to the point.

There was a wretched tearing of flesh as my arm was jerked backwards and sliced by the broken glass of my shattered window.

Why would he describe it this way? He's trying to absolve himself, not tell a horror story. It's an awkward execution overall and reads very unnaturally.

Then, I fell into the very depths of the indefinite.

He went from "unconscious" to "more unconscious"? What does this even mean?

''eternally scalding every inch of me while I cried out in endless and unforgiving pain. ''

Excessive and needless use of synonyms for "endless". Not sure if "unforgiving" belongs here either.

This should illustrate the immediate issues with the story, since the same ones keep cropping up. You can fix them and the rest of the story by exercising my two favorite Mark Twain quotes: say what you want to say in as few words as possible, and always use the right word, not its second cousin. It'll be easier to focus on the content when the narrative has all the bumps smoothed out.

Oh, and that last line really ought to go. Larger text or not, it's not scary, merely humorous like a trollpasta.