Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5733573-20180731040414/@comment-26444017-20180731053827

I think one of the things that is holding this one back is purple prose. Y'know, overly descriptive descriptions, especially with regard to emotion. It's also a bit too vague. That's a particularly difficult one to get around, because you have to balance it with giving away too much, and with this story in particular that balance is very fine.

Perhaps a restructuring would help to alleviate this problem. I would almost say change the perspective to someone else who, instead of being overjoyed at the 'union', is instead revolted and unsettled by it. The story could lean toward the idea of an abusive relationship, which this can certainly be compared to, but ultimately reveal the twist. However, this would obviously require a huge overhaul, and even then, I think you're trying to go for a different asthetic altogether, so I guess this is more a thought than a reccommendation.

Beyond that, perhaps a more clever disguising of the phrasing would help. It's not bad as is, but it definitely gives off the impression that this has nothing to do with a traditional relationship. This is primarily what I meant in saying that things were vague.

It may also help to lengthen the story, treating time in a manner more befitting an object, which has no concept of it. The story can seem to last for years, but really only lasts a few moments, hours, or days, because time is not a fixed construct for a bullet.

As far as a title goes, my mind wandered into 'For My Valentine', a reference to the band Bullet For My Valentine. I know how you like the titles to tie in with the story in unexpected yet poetic ways, and this was the first thing that came to mind. Take or leave, but I hope the above advice helps. :)