User blog comment:HumboldtLycanthrope/This is NOT a contest. Part Two: The Mr Dupin Files/@comment-26030957-20150617184608/@comment-25052433-20150620064924

I sit alone, room dim, staring at a mirror. Perhaps if I stare at it long enough, my face will contort, I should write something about that. Or perhaps I should write a story about a secret bar....the sky is wide open for me. No deadlines, just writing, and of course, Humboldt, not the county, but the man.

Many months ago he appeared, seeking my guidance. He asked me,

"How can I do it?"

I didn't bother to ask him what he meant, instead, I just started teaching. It's not what I do, but it is what I did, that night.

I told him,

"First you need a really confusing user name, something that people will only sort of understand if you explain it to them."

He nodded gently, urging me to go on.

Mine is Banningk1979. Most days I regret choosing it, but if I change it now, I lose my badges and my awesome edit count, so I keep it, like a curse.

"What's it even mean?" he asked.

I told him, it's my name, Banning, paired with the first letter of my last name, which is K. Followed by the year I was born, because I am old. Put it all together, and you get Banningk1979.

I told him that you must learn to hate certain things, and mention them often, like vomiting due to fear, writing only in first person and hoodies.

He seemed to be following along, at least, I think he was. He told me that he had problems, real problems, grown man problems. He said some dudes were out to get him, that he needed help.

I told him about the character of Hyraaq Tobit. I told him it was something that I was using for an ongoing series. However, he didn't seem to understand. He thought that it was real. Things got scary from that point on.

Everyday he would come by, asking me how the cult was going. I explained to him time and time again that it was all just a story, but he didn't seem to understand. He thought I was just covering the cult's tracks.

"Very funny Banning," he would say. "If Tobit isn't real, who have I been murdering people for all this time?"

I knew that actions were necessary here. I had to convince him to stop, but I didn't know how to.

Then, INSPIRATION!

To help him win back his sanity, I would have to go into his world. I would have to convince him that this was real, and then, and only then, could I shatter his illusion and help him return to reality.

To do this, I had to become everything that I hate. I had to become.....a WALKING CLICHE.

To best illustrate this, let me tell it to you in Crappypasta Vision.

Banning the Killer Drowned at Disney

Hey guys, this is my first pasta, so be nice, no negative comments, and admins, DO NOT DELETE THIS STORY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

It was a dark night when my ward, Humboldt, lost his mind. I had known him for some time now, and he really liked Creepypastas and Youtube Videos. He was a big fan of Roblox, Nicktoons, VHS tapes, abandoned parks and My Little Pony erotic thrillers.

He was a good guy to know.

But then he went crazy, like, totally crazy. Crazy like, you know how you get when you watch too many videos on the secret Youtube channels. Even crazier then when you download those videos to your computer, convert them to DVD, convert them to VHS and then sell them at a yard sale/garage sale/Ebay...etc etc.

I knew I would have to take actions. I watched a few episodes of Happy Appy, played with my Tails Doll, and had my best hoodie pressed, just to, you know, get ready. After picking up my hoodie from the laundry, I played some MMO's, found some cursed areas of the game that the designers never put in, lost my soul and then won it back. Now I was ready.

I hit the streets. On my way, I picked up a few old NES games at some garage sales. That's when I saw him, Humboldt. He was walking around, confusing us all with his user name until he explained that it was the county where he lived, and started screaming. I looked and his eyes were bleeding. Then I looked again and they were normal. Then I looked again and saw that he was drawing on his face with a red marker and wiping it off.

"What up man?" I asked him.

He nodded at me, I nodded back.

"Banning, in the flesh," he replied.

I asked him if we could change tense to 3rd person to make this easier to type out, he agreed. I did it anyway.

Banning approached Humboldt, a fake necklace of Tobit in his hand.

"Have you come to recruit me into the cult of Tobit?" Humboldt asked.

"Yes I have," Banning replied.

"I am ready!" screamed Humboldt, as he began to remove his clothing.

"No need for all that now, we can do this clothed," Banning reassured him.

"I know we can, but must we do it clothed?"

Banning looked at Humboldt dead in the eyes, his bleeding, red marker colored eyes, gathered all of his courage, and uttered a phrase with such conviction and fervor that it gained the attention of those looking on.

"I would prefer if we did," Banning bellowed in a moderate, conversational tone.

Humboldt agreed.

"Okay, so you're now in the cult of Tobit, congratulations, or, as the cool kids say, gratz."

"Now what do I do?" Humboldt asked.

"We go back to 1st person tense, that's what we do," Banning replied.

So, with Humboldt now convinced he was a member, I decided that I would give him his first order.

"Okay, as a member of Tobit's cult, you must just go back to living your life like nothing ever happened, that's what Tobit wants."

He looked at me a bit confused, clearly this was not what he was hoping for.

"I thought we could go summon some succubus...or succubi, however the fuck you say it, and have crazy human on demon sex."

I had to think fast......

"Yes, succubi sex, of course. Just go...ummm, just go to any mental institution or halfway house in any town and tell the person at the desk that you are here for the kinky harlots of hell. He'll give you a crazy look, but just slap the shit out of the guy. Then he'll take you down a hallway to the front door of the place and point you to the nearest strip club. It won't be a good strip club either, not like a....Gold Club or Rick's Cabaret, no, it'll be some local place. Now, go into the strip club and walk up to the runway thing with the pole, the um...stage, and start throwing money at the stripper. Tell her that you have money. She'll then take you down a long hallway to a back room, where she will transform into a succubus and throw her G-String at you.

The G-String is Item# 76 out of 523. Just be warned, it's a Tuesday night, none of the good strippers are there on Tuesdays."

He believed me, holy crap what luck. Thinking that I had finally helped him find a safe place for him to exercise his insanity, I decided to walk him to his car. However, on our way there, we were suddenly approached by some strange people....

"Going somewhere?" announced one of the people.

I turned to reply, but suddenly I felt a white ghostly hand on my shoulder, sort of like in Lavender Town, and then I fjdkafeiuha;erkafjioejfanfknfkjavk;n;akhtj