Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34296765-20160418031341/@comment-27838637-20160418114138

I really like the idea that your story attempts to convey; what is 'Hell' really like?

Unfortunately with stories based around such an idea, they are expected to be of an extremely high quality. I'll be honest, a large majority of people will not be interested in reading a religious based story due to their personal beliefs, meaning those who invest the time into reading are probably well educated on such a topic - hence why it should be of high quality.

I hate to say that your story comes of as cheesy and it feels as if you haven't put enough effort into it. There is a massive amount of source material you should have used to help construct the story, and it is absent.The inclusion of quotes or phrases from the Old Testament, the book of Revelation or even the Qu'ran could be used to make the story feel more authentic. If this idea is to work, you NEED to flesh out the source material and use it in the story.

It's hard to take the story seriously with the cliche opening, which actually made me laugh. Not because it is bad, but because it was really cheesy. One such quote is when you say 'your mind could not process it and your nervous systems would simply explode'. Unless your story is supposed to come across as comedic, I suggest restructuring your sentences and coming up with more original ideas.

Finally, my main issue with the story is that it describes Hell, and it comes across as a letdown. The description you gave of Hell seemed cliche and comical, rather than scary. Not to mention the fact that the worst thing that happens if you get lashed by a magma-infused whip. I feel with all the evil and crime that happens in real life, Hell doesn't seem as bad in comparison.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea, but the execution is poor. I suggest you go over source material to get inspiration, check out the creepy cliches page (which is somewhere on this site) and rewrite the story. Try to be more original and graphic, then this idea could work quite nicely.

A_O.