Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24841732-20140425011715/@comment-24841732-20140428132552

CrashingCymbal wrote: Not gonna include the one or two grammar mistakes, because they can be easily fixed. As for the story itself. It's good, very well described, but I felt it was a little overwrought. Example, even if it's just a little one, Instead of saying "My famished form creaked and crackled", you could say "Famished, I creaked and crackled." It says the same thing, plus the sentence is now much easier to read.

The concept itself is quite clever, and obviously you intended it to be very vague, but there are a few things which I felt were too vague. Like the grey slop. We don't know what it is, (although arguably, that can make it creepier), and we don't where it originated from and why he's more than willing to eat (other than the fact that, I'm just gonna guess, that he has to or else he'll die).

As for his character, all we really know about him is that he's afraid of the dark, and that he can't remember his name. Perhaps in future, balance the description of your characters appearance AND his traits more evenly, rather than over-describing his current appearance and leaving little to the imagination of the reader.

As critical as I was, there's no doubt that you can write very well. I definitely recommend that you continue practicing writing and contributing writing to the site, and in time you'll definitely notice self-improvement :)

Thanks! I will work on balancing it, as you said. That, and I will use some grammar resources to try and fix those errors.