Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25296447-20140813212152/@comment-25291276-20140814150937

I am writing this little by little as I'm reading and noticing things, so bare with me ^_^.

I hope I don't sound like I'm hating too, I tend to sound like that. I don't have that intention at all.

These are purely ideas. I try to give you a starting point to maybe make your story better.

First of all, don't "frown and panic a little" when the GPS doesn't work correctly. Maybe he does panic becau'se he'll be late to meet his daughter, but if that's the case, explain it.

Maybe you can introduce the name of Daniel's daughter a bit earlier in the story.

It's not strange for a toy shop to have little to no one inside, depending of what time it is. It can however be strange if there is little to no "children" in the shop.

While a salesman can have a boring job, he won't just mock a customer, specially if this customer is polite. If the behaviour of the salesman^is supposed to be strange, then give a hint.

The creepy dolls are just a bit overused. Maybe you can try something like menacing teddy bears.

I hope the description of the man at the desk is not supposed to be creepy. I find it more amusing really, maybe you can compare him to a circus presentator, and add some weird details.

The monkey is a good idea, but drop the "realistic smile", say it's an "unsetling grin" for example.

The teddy seems like an important part of the story, so don't hesitate to describe him in more detais.

When he first meets what appears to be his daughter, it would be a good idea to not say that right as she apears. Tell us it's just a random little girl, then have the father slowly recognize her.

The bloody text on the wall is a reocurring cliché. A different idea would be to have the stitched mouth talk, while blood comes out maybe.

Usually one sees their memories flash before their eyes when they arer closed, not when they are open.

"Why can't you take cae of your family? Why do you only care about yourself?" would be a better thing the wife would say when David hears her.

When confronted with his wife and daughter like this, David can't just moan his lines, he should shout or cry.

The laughter of the toys, the demon thing is too much.

"A while passed" and what about the toys? weren't they closing in on him?

The way Daniel's sanity snaps at the end is too sudden, maybe you could hint at how his mind changes while all of this is happening.

The idea of the dead tea party is not bad, but try and give more details. Gruesom, disturbing and creepy details.

Okay so finally : You seem to have rather good ideas, aside form a few clichés. But in the writing it falls apart slightly. You seem to have some problems conveying what you want to say. Worry not, the skills will come if you keep writing. I hope you have fun in writing and I look forward to reading an updated version of this.