Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-6822927-20190104215501/@comment-9041013-20190105090605

This needs some work. It's really confusing at parts, was the narrator speaking about his childhood or his present life? Because one sentence its an irish summer and the next he's in Texas. One sentence he's playing make-believe and the next he has too much work and has to pay bills.

Some sentences come off really weird like, "Today, I would be taking my dog for a walk. It had been months since I last saw Cleo" how is it his dog if he doesn't own it? Unless you just butchered the intended meaning of this sentence. This keeps on happening here and there.

If it sounds weird for you to say, it's probably not the best English.

Something just did not make this work for me, perhaps the way your sentencing is like of disjointed. Like something was making me stop, at almost every second and I had to rewind back into the story. Something about the technicalities is just not working. It kept throwing me off. I am certain it would work better once you fix the problems with the language itself.