Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32627640-20160622173026/@comment-28266772-20160623140309

Hi

Let's get some things out of the way.

First - asking for critics on the internet to be soft is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Sometimes you're just better off accepting what's coming, and on this wikia, especially on the workshop, I don't think I've ever seen critical feedback that was unnecessarily harsh, and I've definitely never seen feedback that wasn't fair/true. You should be more confident. There's a range of quality being posted here, ranging from "I've typed this with my toes while high on peyote" to "I'm a published author looking for advice". If you're willing to put the work in to get better you shouldn't feel ashamed, or scared, to seek feedback. What matters the most to anyone who puts the time in to reading first drafts/offering feedback is knowing that you'll put the work in, and take that advice forward.

Second - formatting. You need to format your stories correctly. The method you use at the moment is awkward, and hard on the eyes. It's clear that you've posted in from some type of word processor, but I don't know which one. I can't tell you exactly what's gone wrong, aside from the fact the character spacing, font, and line breaks, are all wrong. But I can tell you that a good idea is to write in MS word and paste the story into the wikia. A gold standard that I've often been told to stick to when writing at University is size 11 Calibri font. It works for me, and it should work for you. Arial is also an option. Regardless, you definitely need to go through a story and make sure that your copy/pasting hasn't gone wrong i.e. make sure that the line breaks are correct.

Third - capitalization, grammar, spelling etc. I couldn't pick out too many spelling mistakes on my run through, but I'm not great at detecting them anyway. Below are some examples of other mistakes.

I whispered underneath by breath -> my breath, not by breath

gazing at the young girls corpse -> it should be "girl's corpse". When something is possessive it should be denoted with an apostraphe. Cat's tail. Man's eyes, etc. When denoting possession for something ending in an 's', you just put one apostraphe after the 's'. Jesus' sandals. Phyllis' cats, etc. The glaring exception to this rule is 'its' where you don't need the apostraphe for possession.

I sighed, slumping down on a nearby chair and rubbed my temples. “How are we going to tell her parents, sir?” Aki, my assistant asked me. -> New speaker, new line. This is a rule you'll need to learn. Everytime someone starts speaking, unless it is a continuation of something they have previously said, you should start with a new line. For greater information on how to denote speech you should read the wikia's guides. Similarly, in another example below.

“Apparently her parents had left her alone inside this flat due to a meeting somewhere.” I inquired... -> here the speech is in its own sentence, and the sign post is in the next sentence. This doesn't work grammatically.

This should read.

“Apparently her parents had left her alone inside this flat due to a meeting somewhere, [comma]” I inquired. [full stop].

This is now a complete sentence. There is dialogue, and afterwards a short sign post to inform the reader of who said what, and it's separated by a comma. Speech should never be put in quote marks without something to let us know who, or what is speaking. The sole exception is in repeated dialogue between two characters who are having a back-and-forth exchange.

I held my breath as I pulled her hand out of her stomach; shaking it gently, trying not to get any internal organs or guts onto me. -> I wouldn't bother with semicolons for now. As a rule of thumb, they're used to conenct two dependent clauses that you don't want to connect using a conjunction, or a comma. In this case your use is incorrect because the part after the semicolon is not a dependent clause. Semicolons are tough to use. Leave them for now.

“A robber would've just sliced a few wounds...and left.” -> ellispes (...) should always be followed by a space. e.g. few wounds... and left

Tense issues:

She was quite sensitive to germs, but I don't blame her -> was is past tense, don't is present tense.

<p class="MsoNormal">I turned back to the corpse slumping underneath -> turned is past tense, slumping is present tense. In this particular example, slumping would be correct only if the body was actively in the process of slumping as the narrator turned around. When I first read this, I thought you meant "the body has started moving on its own".

<p class="MsoNormal">they were desperate to keep this small book hidden, but it looks like they hadn't done a very good job -> same thing here. They were desperate - past tense. But it looks like - present tense.

<p class="MsoNormal">There are way more examples of this. As a rule, write in the past tense. It's easier to get right, and make less mistakes. It is not an acceptable practice to change tense in the middle of a story. And for reasons I don't understand a lot of new writer's love trying to write in the present tense. Don't. It's harder than the past tense. Way, way harder.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wording issues:

<p class="MsoNormal">They're not coming back, aren't they? -> Should be 'are they?'

<p class="MsoNormal">Inspecting her hand at a good angle made me see what I wanted to -> this line is just awkward. It's hard for me to say exactly what's wrong, other than you probably meant to say something like, "inspecting her hand at a good angle let me see what I needed to".

<p class="MsoNormal">Not only she had a big brain -> Not only did she have a big brain/she not only had a big brain - either is correct.

<p class="MsoNormal">with waist length black hair. Dark hair; and pale, olive skin. -> repetition. You should avoid repetition like the damned plague. Do not repeat words and phrases within the same sentence, and if possible not even within the same paragrah. Your writing is prone to repetition.

<p class="MsoNormal">This brings me to a useful point before I move onto story issues. Reptition and economic writing. You need to proofread your own work, vigorously, before posting here. There are an excess of mistakes, and I can't list them all here. But, I can at least let you know that you should be very, very, deliberate, with every word you put on the page. Black hair is dark by definition. You don't need to tell us, again, that her hair is dark. You tell us that the body smells, a lot. You describe Aki in unnecessary detail - in a way that is, frankly, a little strange. Every last word you write must contribute to one of the following things:

<p class="MsoNormal">The sequence of events.

<p class="MsoNormal">The plot.

<p class="MsoNormal">The characters.

<p class="MsoNormal">The setting.

<p class="MsoNormal">The themes.

<p class="MsoNormal">This means that if you mention white stilletos, they should contribute to something. And similarly, if you do write something that informs character then it should also be relevant to one of the other points. Don't just characterize for the sake of it - definitely not in a short story. For example, Aki's entire appearance is unnecessary.

<p class="MsoNormal">Story issues in general:

<p class="MsoNormal">I'm just going to reel these off in no particular order.

<p class="MsoNormal">Who the hell are these people? Are they detectives? Is Aki a detective? If not she shouldn't be at a crime scene in case she contaminates it. And also there should be a shit load of cops around too.

<p class="MsoNormal">Why is a detective dragging his secretary around to crime scenes? Shouldn't she be taking calls in an office?

<p class="MsoNormal">Why does a detective see something counting down and not immediately think, "holy shit it's a bomb?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Why does no one try to inform the girl's parents?

<p class="MsoNormal">Why does Aki need the murder spelled out in detail? The girl had nails in her fucking head, it was clearly not a robbery gone wrong.

<p class="MsoNormal">Why is the detective so deeply unlikeable?

<p class="MsoNormal">Why is Aki such a crippling stereotype? (I did not like Aki, or her characterization. It felt like wish fulfillment.)

<p class="MsoNormal">And many, many more.

<p class="MsoNormal">So... where to go from here? I've pretty much savaged this story. And I wouldn't recommend you try too hard to save it either. I guess the advice I can offer you is this.

<p class="MsoNormal">You need to proof read the shit out of anything you write. There is no forum or wikia on heaven or Earth that will volunteer to be your spell check.

<p class="MsoNormal">You need to not waste your readers time with petty details that don't contribute to something meaningful. You need to look at every word you write, and think about what it is telling the reader, and then wonder whether the reader needs to know it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Your next story should be around 500 - 1500 words, and be much simpler in plot, style, and structure. It will be much easier to get feedback if your story is shorter, and your plots will be less likely to have holes/problems if they're simpler and shorter. Don't do diaries, journals etc. Don't do mixed narratives that switch between styles. Stick to a simple narrative prose format that is set in the past. Pick a simple idea for a story, and work with it. This will act as a jumping off point for when you do want to start writing more complex stories.

<p class="MsoNormal">Finally, you need to go through every last blog and advice guide on this wikia, and read it in full. Not skim read it. Not flick through it.

<p class="MsoNormal">It will be boring. It will be arduous. But if you genuinely want to write, then you'll do it anyway. You can start here.