Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32009126-20170915064620/@comment-32009126-20170915224816

ARedgrave wrote: Whoah-ho. This is fantastic. I lived in Winthrop, WA for three months right in the midst of the Cascade mountain range. I have a feeling the setting is based on Falls Creek? That was the visual setting that came into my head when I read this. Also, I detected a bit of the Blair Witch Project as well. Underrated film, if I'm honest. Or Sleepy Hollow?

I like that you took the time to give the history of the town and its earliest settlements. That shows dedication.

Here are some things I noticed:

"Could not take what? the (Needs capital letter) report left me with more questions than answers."

"even though there was no danger anybody knew about in there except for wild animals, but those were commonplace enough [there ought to be a semicolon here] people knew how to protect themselves."

"the girl's parents" - if this is referring to all three of the girls, Alyssa, Callie and Beatrice, then the apostrophe should be after the s - "the girls' parents".

"seeming to take delight in my struggle as it pulled me down deeper." - There ought to be a verb in this case rather than present active participle. - "seemed to take delight my struggle".

There's also a spelling mistake in this part here: "he said he was out on one of hi morning walks when he found you floating face down in Weeping Falls Pond,"

Also, could you explain what this part here means: "in an overly-casual way in an environment such as this," - I feel like it doesn't make sense. Are you saying that the nurse was being too informal and friendly? What's the significance of the environment part?

- I think there's also a minor inconsistency with the spacing of each paragraph; like you should break each one equally and evenly. But now I'm just hair splitting. Also, just my opinion, but I like putting speech in italics when I write - so as to make it different to the rest of the text. But that's optional - you don't have to do that if you don't want to. This is a good story, and I have a strong taste for history-based literature. Especially seeing as how I've actually lived there. Thank you for pointing all those errors out, I'll be sure to edit the story to fix all those. As for the environment part, I meant the nurse was being too informal in a place like a hospital, where most things are neat and fairly formal. I'm very glad you enjoyed the story!