Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24821182-20141102164221/@comment-24821182-20141103164416

The Koromo wrote:

It's an interesting idea, but it needs quite a bit of work. Work on Victor's characterization a bit. Make the story a little longer so we can be given more time to identify with his character and build up his fans' anger - length usually isn't the end all of pastas, but it is in a character study like this one. The story itself doesn't seem "creepy", either. And finally, less swearing, please! I guess it would be acceptable in mobster crime dramas, but even horror movies don't have that much cursing. Thank you so much for reading through the story. I've made some additional modifications based on your review, making Victor more provocative and violent and giving the crowd no choice but to subdue him. I've elaborated a wee bit on the charitable work he does to make him have some redeeming qualities - he's still an objectively awful person, though.

I want to give him more of a backstory, and I could use that opportunity to make up for the lack of creepiness. Maybe have his manipulation destroy other people's lives?

I've capitalized the title fully and removed some of the swearing (for some odd reason, the fact that people might take offense to that kind of thing never occurs to me; I just see them as words on a monitor).

Anyways, I'm grateful.