Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25606338-20150803015731/@comment-26475800-20150805014138

Okay Ashvyki, there are a lot of things this story needs. You have a lot of run on sentences in this story, commas and periods are your friends. Think of how you would speak to someone. Any time there is a brief pause that would be a comma, full stops would be a period. I'm not trying to belittle you, just pointing something out.

The wording was strange throughout as well. In the start you were writing in a classical fashion, but in the middle you lose that, then at the end it is more like a Stephen King novel where vulgarity becomes the norm. All of those ways are find to write with, but pick one and not changing them through out, unless you are having someone talk like that. But when you make someone talk, make sure it is how a person would really talk. There are very few people who talk so poetic as you had the first bit of dialog. That isn't to say that no one does, but later he talks nothing like that.

There are a lot of grammar issues, missing words, quotation marks where there are none needed, the lack of commas and periods as I mentioned before. Also, with the quotation marks, anytime you have any punctuation it goes inside of the quotation marks, not after.

Now, the most important parts, the story itself. I had already touched on some of the issues with how this story is written, dialog, run-on sentences, etc. But this part is just about the plot. There were a few places where I had gotten a little confused on what was being said. One example of this is when someone is talking but it was never identified. It is fine to use quotes without having "he said" after, but you still need to identify who is talking. You can do this many ways, the easiest is after the person had spoken, but you can also do it before. Lead up to what the person is saying before it is said. Express the emotion that is being felt.

The plot is fairly decent, but the ending is weak. You didn't put enough emotion in the stories. There is little emotion in this story. Show us how this woman is feeling about seeing her husband die over and over again. Show us her going crazy, don't just tell us. What would a person who is going crazy do, feel, act? Show us all of those things.

Show us more of a relationship between her and her husband. There is little that happens between them. We don't really know these people at all. There is some dialog in the story, but not enough to get a person to know what they characters are really like.

There are a few more things but those are some of the ones that stick out the most. Sorry if that sounded harsh, it wasn't meant to. I hope that you take some of this advice and make this story better. If you don't that's fine, but I hope you don't stop writing. You can write some amazing things with more practice reading and writing.