Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25178131-20140818150016/@comment-25170312-20140820001839

Well, there are some technical errors here. Aside from a few grammar and spelling issues that I could point out if you want, the last paragraph needs to be split up, and every time the dialogue changes between you and your girlfriend you need to start a new paragraph.

Other than those technical issues, this is pretty cliche. It might work if it wasn't so quickly paced. I suggest describing how seeing your girlfriend dead made you feel, instead of just glossing over it like it was nothing. The part about seeing 'something red' out of the corner of your eye isn't effective. You either need to describe it a little more than just 'something red', or don't deny that it could be real, since it isn't described as being very unusual, AND you just saw a severed arm. I also suggest that you don't describe the wolf's eyes as bleeding. A lot of people do this, and it really doesn't make sense for all these creatures to have bleeding eyes. Hope some of this helps.