Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24713615-20140627010626/@comment-24841732-20140628064448

This was a great story, but I have two major gripes.

First of all, your dialouge is very unrealistic. The people are unbelievibly mean and one demsional as well. Listen in to some actualy conversations in public places, or just straight up practice it more.

Secondly, the last quarter or so feels much different than the rest of the slower, descriptive story. In my opinion, the ending should go like this:

"...The boy brought up a hand and rapped on the door. For the first time, the woman moved, reaching a hand into a pocket of her old and ugly purse, grabbing a worn key. Her wrist swerved up towards the lock on the door. She turned the inserted key slowly, until the three of them heard a click.

“Er...Is this your place?” The young girl spoke, obviously confused, looking warily now towards her partner. The woman still did not speak.

The three entered slowly, the women from tiredness and age, the couple influenced by fear and disgust. The place was decrepit and reeked with a sickly sweet oder akin to rotting garabage. The elder moved with a purpose towards the back of house. Soon they reached the kitchen, and the source of the horrid stench.

Lying on the ground, was her husband rotting, kitchen knife still plunged into her chest. The rats and flies did their work throughly through out the years.

All that remained was little more than bones."



Feel free to steal this ending, I don't require credit. It was fun to write. Anyway, I hope this helps.