Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27837645-20160325180322/@comment-28055451-20160325185127

Hi Edward.

I've read your story and here are a few things you could do to make your pasta better:

" Everything about that time screamed with magic." You should consider a different word for 'screamed'. To scream implies chaos, danger, pain, etc. And from the context, you are obviously trying to paint a picture of a beautiful spring evening. 'Screamed' doesn't really fit well.

"the sun dipped beneath the sea of rooftops and the sky turned a brilliant shade of orange and red." Good description. Great imagery.

"It was a quarter past eleven when I heard a low Snap resonate from the basement." 'Snap' should not be capitalized.

"A tiny creature was charging through my backyard."..."I charged into our small house."..."I charged down the stairs and into the basement." I am just now noticing that you use 'charging' quite a bit. It is getting slightly annoying. An online thesaurus should help with that. Not major problem though.

"Val spent the next four days in our bedroom, crying. I don’t know what she saw, or what she thought she saw in the basement, but whatever it was, it scared the hell out of her."-This is good here. Your set up of the mystery here is very good. More often than not, the author would tell the reader what Val saw, and therefore ruin a part of the story. But your action of not telling us what Val saw keeps us in suspense, a necessary element to any pasta.

<span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"I refused and said I would catch it myself, how much of a fool I was." Don't beat yourself up over this too much, because even the best authors make this mistake. Many authors speak of an action or event and then say "I wish I didn't." or, "I would later regret this." It just doesn't help the story and is done a lot. Besides, It is a subtle spoiler. Just get rid of "How much of a fool I was." And you can avoid this issue.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.8857142857142857;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"he was a baby." "he were a baby"

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.8857142857142857;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The ending was very cold. I am not sure what happened really. Did your protagonist actually write the note? What about the monster in the house? And how is the monster related to the mice in any way? It seems like a random occurrence, that the monster and the mice just happen to be in the same house. You didn't really specify a connection between the two. And did the monster write the note to Val to bait her into coming back to the house? Your ending is a bit odd. I would definitely change it. Or... Take a chainsaw to it.... It doesn't do your story justice.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.8857142857142857;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">And your title is a bit cheesy. “Mouse Busters”? I assume that is a reference to Ghostbusters. I would make it more original.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.8857142857142857;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">But overall, Your story is well written and has barely any cliches. With work, you have a good pasta. Keep up the good work!