Talk:Electric Funeral/@comment-9041013-20190530123429

Well this came out nice enough. I spose.

I can see this evolving into The Shannara Chronicles based on this ending (the series of books takes place in a world where humanity is at the brink of extinction due to apocalyptic scales of modern warfare). So there's that.

It does appeal nicely to all of these great books. You've managed to take elements from their plots, reference the books and incorporate everything neatly enough so it doesn't come off like random bits and pieces. Kudos to you.

"Ivan wasn't the only angry one. Many people cursed the Americans, the Russians, the Chinese, the Koreans, and especially the Israelis for making the world into a burning globe of obscene fire." - That's a cute edition, it does make a lot of sense that people would follow random hate. If you would've thrown "Indians and Pakistanis" in the mix, i'd laugh at the cruel posibility of that actually being a foreshadowing of a potential future route we might take. Nice take on the nuclear scare we're all experiencing right now.

""" ''Near the gates, a big sign hung in English and Spanish. "Do not dishonor the State. Your citizenship can be revoked."''

''After I put my State ID in the card reader and verified my identity at the retina scanner, two ICE agents scrutinized my record as they looked me up and down. "Are you sure you want to do this?"''

They knew what I was going to do, but I said "It's my birthday. I'm going to celebrate in style."

''He paused, looking at my file. "This can become a one-way gate. The State lets someone like you out easy because so many want to replace you, but they know everything you do and say in Mexico."''

''Somehow, that revelation only made me surer I had to get out before being denounced. "I just want to party."''

''They shook their heads and opened the gates. I paid my $10 crossing fee, walked across the bridge, and joined the other refugees seeking freedom of thought.''

''I could have stopped in the refugee camps in Honduras or Ecuador, but I wanted to get as far as I could from the State. When I reached Punta Arenas in Chile, there wasn't any further South I could go. I got a job as a tour guide and freelanced as an English tutor whenever I could.'' """

I think this whole part could've been done better; you could make it a little more stressful for your narrator, he had been nearing a mental breakdown over an event from a few years back (at the time of the crossing) but he seemed rather, eerily, calm when he was about to make a crossing that equals the landing on Normandie. I've told you this in the WW, should've given that a more of a "Berlin Wall Escape" feeling. Also, I know its not your style, but you could use the "electric funeral" here. Maybe one of the cops at the crossing would've warned the narrator, half jokingly, that'd he be roasted by some futuristic electric gun hence the "electric funeral". Ah well.

I also think that the last paragraph should've been two paragraphs, the first sentence is a really good stand alone sentence-paragraph that talks about the narrators emotional state in regards to his home country while the rest of that paragraph details facts about the beginning of his journey beyond said country.

I think that the ending feels kind of forced, you know, the narrator seems to be having quite the nice life. Yeah, he is living in a society that's about to become pre-industrial largely, but he's alive, and it's a story, so he's most likely to survive along with the rest of his community if you would have decided so. Dystopians aren't only about terrifying the reader of what could be, they are also about giving hope for a better life or trying to leave a lesson with the reader.

I like this one, it could be better, but alas, I still like it.

Hope the judges in the contest like it too!