Talk:Bloodied Trees and Bright Lights/@comment-5733573-20180622205017

The story's not bad. I like the idea of a cautionary tale for the modern era. The execution, on the other hand, is extremely sloppy. Here's an example:

- I did not understand at the time what he meant, but now, looking back on it, I now know what he meant.

This sentence could be condensed by a lot. And it's not the only place there's an error or an awkward choice of words here.

It also just kind of goes on forever. The gimmick gets old halfway through and, from then on, I was just waiting for the end. Also, the way you create suspense is kind of lazy and irritating:

- I twisted it and it failed.

I twisted it, and it failed.

I twisted it…

…and the slow humming of my car’s engine spurted up.

There's a far more effective way to do this.

Overall, not a bad story, but there are several things that keep it from being great.