Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25636022-20141109143657/@comment-25547916-20141110040716

This is a cool idea for a poem and the general structure is quite good. It's pretty short, so I'll go line by line. The first line is good, the comma should be a semicolon. Second line is also good. the third and fourth line say 'darkness' way too much. I think you did it intentionally, but it seems clunky to me. These lines are also kind of unclear what they are referring to. I understand poety is often vague, so this is purely my opinion, of course. The fifth line is good. The sixth line doesn't roll of the tongue very well, but it resolves on the eighth line. I can't understand the seventh line. It sounds nice, but it really doesn't make sense. The ninth line is good. The tenth sounds fine, but the "sometimes lies" rhyme feels a bit forced as it lacks a subject. The eleventh and twelfth have a solid rhyme, but the eleventh line is the weaker of the two. After the twelfth, it seems as though the eleventh should also list three items. The final two lines are what concern me the most. They feel a bit odd in present tense; future seems more appropriate. Otherwise, they complete the story well, but they feel out of place and don't rhyme: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GH. It seems as though there should be another rhyming couplet before the last two lines and that the final lines should rhyme: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GGHH. Or that it should revert back to the old rhyme scheme for the final lines: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GHGH.

I've said quite a lot here, and I can clear anything up if I was unlcear. Sorry if I'm a bit nitpicky, but poetry is fun to close-read. Overall, I think it's a good poem (you kept a solid rhyme, mantained a syllable scheme, and remained focused), but it could certainly be improved.

Sidenote: make sure the Latin is correct. I don't speak it and don't know if it's right or wrong, but it would be pretty embarassing to screw up the title.