Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160223234242/@comment-4849011-20160330002533

He came up with some good names! I'm allergic to fish, shellfish, and the like, but I know things like crayfish and shrimp have to be cleaned properly (Then again, doesn't every foodstuff?). When I'm done with all the reviewing I'll share a shrimp horror story from the set of the movie Juwanna Man (The stars were on a show promoting the film and recounted this incident).

Chapter 7
 * They all crowded cozily around the warm stove, some sipping their hot cocoa or coffee in quiet contentment, others chatting how this strange weather was affecting their lives and how there was going to be trouble when the snows start to melt. Even the Frizzle Fracks came in , shredding their wintry personas as polar bears and white wolves for the prospect of warm chocolate and a spot beside a roaring fire. Few if any wondered where Pierard was at the moment, the warm, pleasant atmosphere made everyone too lazy to speculate or care.- They all crowded cozily around the warm stove, some sipping their hot cocoa or coffee in quiet contentment, others chatting how this strange weather was affecting their lives and how there was going to be trouble when the snows started to melt. Even the Frizzle Fracks came in, shredding their wintry personas as polar bears and white wolves for the prospect of warm chocolate and a spot beside a roaring fire. Few if any wondered where Pierard was at the moment; the warm, pleasant atmosphere made everyone too lazy to speculate or care. (My computer indicates there’s an extra space between “in” and the comma, but I could be mistaken)
 * “He snoozing,” said a ugly cat-like Gibblian named Garth.- “He’s snoozing,” said an ugly cat-like Gibblian named Garth.
 * Encouraged by Cecil; everyone then began pestering Twicky for a suitable scary story.- Encouraged by Cecil, everyone then began pestering Twicky for a suitable scary story.
 * Meaning she snuck in,” Garth snickered.- “Meaning she snuck in,” Garth snickered.
 * “Now Garth,” said Greta sternly, “don’t you start pointing fingers.”- “Now, Garth,” said Greta sternly, “don’t you start pointing fingers.”
 * “Now that I have all your attention,” said Mirian, as soon as every had quieted down, “I will now tell you a tale that will not only arose your fickle interest, but will also give you plenty of shivers.“- “Now that I have all your attention,” said Mirian, as soon as everyone had quieted down, “I will now tell you a tale that will not only arouse your fickle interest, but will also give you plenty of shivers.” (Some of the quotation marks in chapters seven and eight are pointing the wrong way)
 * Greta carefully recited to him what had just been told.

A gleam of interest crept into his eyes.

“Oh-ho, a hair-raising tale,” drawled Smoky, sitting up.- Greta carefully recited to him what had just been '''told. A gleam of interest crept into his eyes. “Oh-ho,''' a hair-raising tale,” drawled Smoky, sitting up.
 * “’I can’t believe this, thought Arianne. I’m actually talking to a weasel.- “'I can’t believe this,’ thought Arianne. ‘I’m actually talking to a weasel.’
 * “‘You loose something? Your brain, perhaps?’- “‘You lose something? Your brain, perhaps?’
 * “’What a rude little beast, she thought.- “’What a rude little beast,’ she thought.
 * “’Writer’s block, ehh?’ the weasel said thoughtfully. ‘You should try the Wadsworth Inn, it’s full of interesting things to write about?’- “’Writer’s block, ehh?’ the weasel said thoughtfully. ‘You should try the Wadsworth Inn. It’s full of interesting things to write about.’
 * “Arianne shook her head in bewilderment and walked out of the forest. “’It looks more like a mansion than a simple inn,’ she said.- “Arianne shook her head in bewilderment and walked out of the forest. ‘It looks more like a mansion than a simple inn,’ she said.
 * “’No,” it said with a mirthless laugh. “You won’t be seeing me at all.”- “‘No,’ it said with a mirthless laugh. ‘You won’t be seeing me at all.’
 * Its limbs lengthened and so did its stride, its body straightened and changed.- Its limbs lengthened and so did its stride; its body straightened and changed.
 * “While the weasel was shifting its shape, Arianne had just climb the porch steps and was now knocking on the front door.- “While the weasel was shifting its shape, Arianne had just climbed the porch steps and was now knocking on the front door.
 * “She hesitated for a moment. “Ehh…I’m here because this weasel told me you could help with my writer’s block.’- “She hesitated for a moment. ‘Ehh…I’m here because this weasel told me you could help with my writer’s block.’
 * “’Oh, yes, Natasha mentioned you to me,” said Nell. “I hope she wasn’t too rude when she brought you over here.’- “’Oh, yes, Natasha mentioned you to me,’ said Nell. ‘I hope she wasn’t too rude when she brought you over here.’
 * “’This desk was used by many famous writers and poets during their stays here," Nell explained.- “'This desk was used by many famous writers and poets during their stays here,’ Nell explained.
 * “She wrote fast, flicking tiny droplets of ink over herself as well as the paper. “’This is incredible,’ she muttered to herself. “I’m actually getting something done.”- “She wrote fast, flicking tiny droplets of ink over herself as well as the paper. ‘This is incredible,’ she muttered to herself. ‘I’m actually getting something done.’
 * Having become too absorbed inher work, she had forgotten about the time.- Having become too absorbed in her work, she had forgotten about the time.
 * “Arianne staggered and lurched to the door, she was so stiff from sitting for so long that it took awhile to regain her coordination.- “Arianne staggered and lurched to the door. She was so stiff from sitting for so long that it took awhile to regain her coordination.
 * “Then she heard chittering sound directly above her head.- “Then she heard a chittering sound directly above her head. Or “Then she heard chittering sounds directly above her head.
 * “’Nell dropped to her knees and gave her a comforting hug. “What’s going on? What happened? I thought you left hours ago!’- “Nell dropped to her knees and gave her a comforting hug. ‘What’s going on? What happened? I thought you left hours ago!’
 * “’Ah,’ said Arianne, trembling all over. ‘I saw weird beaky-nosed people with eyes like cats’.’- “’Ah,’ said Arianne, trembling all over. ‘I saw weird beaky-nosed people with eyes like cats.’
 * “Nell gave her a reassuring smile. “Those are just some of my servants. Nothing to worry about.’- “Nell gave her a reassuring smile. ‘Those are just some of my servants. Nothing to worry about.’
 * She stared as the greenish patches appearing all over Nell’s face and hands.- She stared as the greenish patches appeared all over Nell’s face and hands.
 * “The End.’- “‘The End.’”
 * Garth grinned at him. “Whatsis matter?” he chortled. “You a Fraidycat?”- Garth grinned at him. “Whatsa matter?” he chortled. “You a Fraidycat?”
 * “…But my real name’s Allien Mierin, if you hadn’t already guessed.- “…But my real name’s Allien Mierin, if you hadn’t already guessed.”

Chapter 8
 * Gregory was scolding and fussing at the other two, when they all heard the shrieks from the living room.- Gregory was scolding and fussing at the other two when they all heard the shrieks from the living room.
 * Pascal jerked his head up from his book; he looked at Gregory in bewilderment.

“Do you hear that?” he asked.- Pascal jerked his head up from his book; he looked at Gregory in '''bewilderment. “Do''' you hear that?” he asked.
 * “Sounds like Pierard’s throwing another party,” she said, shaking her head sadly.

“It’s a shame I’m too busy drudging to join in with the fun.”- “Sounds like Pierard’s throwing another party,” she said, shaking her head '''sadly. “It’s''' a shame I’m too busy drudging to join in with the fun.”
 * Cheryl shook her head in dismay. “I don’t know which is more scary,” she muttered. “The monster or Tris with Ninja stars.”- Cheryl shook her head in dismay. “I don’t know which is scarier,” she muttered. “The monster or Tris with Ninja stars.” Or Cheryl shook her head in dismay. “I don’t know which is more frightening,” she muttered. “The monster or Tris with Ninja stars.”
 * Ahh, now this is the life, Pierard thought as he floated idly about on a giant lily pad, nothing like taking a siesta in the hothouse pool after a good meal.- Ahh, now this is the life, Pierard thought as he floated idly about on a giant lily pad. Nothing like taking a siesta in the hothouse pool after a good meal.
 * Pierard sighed heavily and opened his eyes. “Claire,” he muttered, “could you please stop with the doom saying prophetess routine?.”- Pierard sighed heavily and opened his eyes. “Claire,” he muttered, “could you please stop with the doom-saying prophetess routine?”
 * Pierard thought that her warnings had merely arose from prejudice, since he was neither wealthy nor very well bred.- Pierard thought that her warnings had merely arisen from prejudice, since he was neither wealthy nor very well bred.
 * “Claire,” he said wearily, “is this really necessary right after tea time.”- “Claire,” he said wearily, “is this really necessary right after tea time?”
 * “Her ‘helpful staff’ is nothing more than Lontaqas and Timmertams, creatures of darkness,” Claire countered.

“You want to know Mirian really is, Pierard?”- “Her ‘helpful staff’ is nothing more than Lontaqas and Timmertams, creatures of darkness,” Claire '''countered. “You''' want to know Mirian really is, Pierard?”
 * “Not ever close,” Claire replied grimly.- “Not even close,” Claire replied grimly.
 * “Well, how do I know you’re not a Garkain yourself,” Pierard inquired suspiciously.- “Well, how do I know you’re not a Garkain yourself?” Pierard inquired suspiciously.
 * Sure I’m afraid of him,” answered Claire, “but seeing as I’m a paying customer, he doesn’t bother me. An innkeeper’s got to make a living, it’s only the guests who arrive by the Secret Way who end up as Garkain chow.”- “Sure I’m afraid of him,” answered Claire, “but seeing as I’m a paying customer, he doesn’t bother me. An innkeeper’s got to make a living; it’s only the guests who arrive by the Secret Way who end up as Garkain chow.”
 * “If you knew all of this was going on, why didn’t try warning these other ‘guests?”- “If you knew all of this was going on, why didn’t try warning these other ‘guests’?”
 * Outraged, Pierard stood up on his dangerously wobbly craft.

“Parrot of course1” he yelled, hysterically.- Outraged, Pierard stood up on his dangerously wobbly '''craft. “Parrot of course!'''” he yelled, hysterically.

Suggestions

Chapter 7
 * Cecil regarded the newcomer speculatively.

“You said you have a story?” he said finally.- Cecil regarded the newcomer '''speculatively. “You''' said you have a story?” he said finally.
 * There was silence in the dining room. All eyes were on Mirian.

Twicky sipped her coffee. It was cold, but she sipped it anyway to make sure her hand was still functioning properly.- There was silence in the dining room. All eyes were on '''Mirian. Twicky''' sipped her coffee. It was cold, but she sipped it anyway to make sure her hand was still functioning properly.
 * Cecil instantly ceased his swatting and slapping.

“Trick?” he said, “Oh…Ah…Sure. Go ahead!”- Cecil instantly ceased his swatting and '''slapping. “Trick?”''' he said, “Oh…Ah…Sure. Go ahead!”
 * It was just like in the story, the long octopi hair, the green skin oozing with slime, and that hideous toothy grin.- It was just like in the story- the long octopi hair, the green skin oozing with slime, and that hideous toothy grin.

Chapter 8
 * Gregory nodded, furrowing his brow. Boy, he thought, and I was just thinking of how nice it would be to go downstairs for some peace and quiet.- Did you want to italicize his thought like you have in other places?
 * In the hall, they ran into Cheryl, who was wielding an umbrella. She looked at them curiously.

“Let me guess,” she said finally, “you’re all going downstairs to battle the Medusa-haired monster also?- In the hall, they ran into Cheryl, who was wielding an umbrella. She looked at them '''curiously. “Let''' me guess,” she said finally, “you’re all going downstairs to battle the Medusa-haired monster also?
 * “Yes,” said Cheryl briskly, “but the question can wait. Now, come on, we’ve got to move fast.”- “Yes,” said Cheryl briskly, “but the questions can wait. Now, come on, we’ve got to move fast.”
 * They ran into the living room and found a scene. Chairs and tables overturned, people wrestling with long purple tentacles that coiled across the floor. However, Allien Mierin was too preoccupied to reel in his catch; part of his catch was fighting back.

While Zeph Nesbit was smacking away with a rolling pin, the Frizzle Fracks were biting and clawing away in the forms of lions and other fierce beast.- They ran into the living room and found a scene. Chairs and tables overturned, people wrestling with long purple tentacles that coiled across the floor. However, Allien Mierin was too preoccupied to reel in his catch; part of his catch was fighting '''back. While Zeph Nesbit was smacking away with a rolling pin, the Frizzle Fracks were biting and clawing away in the forms of lions and other fierce beasts'''.

“That story’s so old that it’s one the trilobites told to each other.” ~laughs~ If there's ever an occasion for me to use that line in real life, I will. The story within the story reminded me of the Grimm’s tale "Mother Trudy", and the white weasel was a great choice for the monster's helper because of the symbolism. Mirian told the story and I knew Pierard was in big trouble. Then she/he started the anagram trick and I realized they were all in trouble.

I liked the part when they thought the party was picking up again, until the terrified screams. I also liked the use of reflections to reveal the true forms. You think you're getting a free lunch, and then you end up being free lunch. Quentin Tarantino presents The Secret Way of Deceptive Death!