Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20160321044649/@comment-25941663-20160401113927

"I learned in in school" - Your first 'in' should be 'it'.

"and burgers start to drip off their noses" - This might be intentional, but I'm bringing it to your attention either way. It should be 'buggers' not 'burgers'.

"ending up in more trouble than I bargain for" - It's 'bargained'.

"take good care of em" - Add an apostrophe before 'em'. Like this -> 'em.

"some peace one she got rid of me" - It's 'once'.

"the little things that makes a huge" - It's 'make'.

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This was written nicely and the voice of the narrator as a child in the first half was perfect. Also, there were moments of genuine sadness, which you wrote superbly.

Apart from that though, this unfortunately didn't work. It certainly isn't a creepypasta, so first of all I don't think this should be put on the main site. I'll critque this as a normal story.

I'm afraid for the most time I was lost, especially on the second half. At times you were babbling on, constantly jumping from scene to scene and from topic to topic. It feels like there's no point or focus to most of the stuff you wrote.

That's the main issue with the story (apart from the non-scariness). Honestly, if this was a short story (less than 1.500 words, even less if possible) it would have been great. But now it's just a very long read without focus with some glimpses of what could have been.