Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-39233456-20190423233348/@comment-35711173-20190424090747

Cheetyo Games,

I'm not going to go into specifics because, as everyone above has said, this story would be deleted as a fanfiction taken directly from a video game. I'm going to talk about some of the general issues with this story.

That dialogue only format is very dry and not very clear.

We have no emotional connection to the people involved. We don't know who they are. We don't know anything about them. We barely have an idea what they are seeing.

Your story doesn't fit World War II technology. The Allies didn't have tape recorders. Also, how does Rydell send a message back to England when he is outside of the airplane and deep inside an enemy bunker? It's not like he had a cell phone. Those radios were the size of a dorm refrigerator if not bigger and required a lot of power. Assuming that a fantasy video game is correct about any technical detail is extremely risky.

Dr. Bob