Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31354072-20181218013743/@comment-35711173-20181218051916

Hi,

I am going to go into a lot of detail because I like the story and I like Japanese ghost stories. I grew up on stories like Yuki-Onna and tales of monsters like Kappas.

You don't sound like a native speaker of English. In the first paragraph, you wrote "Masuku-san tells the story of a japanese middle school girl named Inaba Hatomi." In English, a nationality is capitalizedas "a Japanese middle school."

Next paragraph. "Due to her obsession, it lead to her not having any friends and also lead to a few bullies at school." This is a wrong word error. Lead with a short vowel is a metal used to manufacture bullets. Lead with a long vowel is present or future tense of like directing. "I will lead the dog on a leash." However, the past tense of the "lead" for directing is "led" and is pronounced like the metal. The reasons are hundreds of years old and quite frustrating.

Third paragraph. "The game goes like this: Hatomi has hid 10 of her masks around Kuroshina." It would be "has hidden" or "hid" without the has. The two actually mean something different in English. I think you want the latter one. It doesn't imply any any further action by Hatomi on any masks.

This coma isn't necessary. It doesn't break up two ideas or actions. "Afterwards, you will be able to go home without any problems."

The last paragraph has the capitalization error repeated. It also has a grammatical error. In English, the conjugation word "a" becomes "an" before a vowel." Thus, you would write "This motorcycle is an Indian and that motorcycle is a Harley Davidson." Just another oddity.  Therefore, "There in fact used to be a Inaba Hatomi that lived in Kuroshina." should be "There in fact used to be an Inaba Hatomi that lived in Kuroshina."  Also, you made a mistake in "They had 1 or 2 classes with her, but that was it."  In English, when the number is ten or less you write it out.  (When I was growing up, it was twenty or less.  See, I still do it out of habit.)  "They had one or two classes with her, but that was it."

Those are the basic errors that stand out. You made others, but at this point I figure you are still revising your story. It gets weak in the last paragraph. In good Creepypasta form, you never indicate that it isn't true.

I would use that background material at the beginning to reinforce the reality of the story.

"When I went to school in Kuroshina, I used to know a girl named Inaba Hatomi. We used to go to the same school, but I didn’t talk to her much.  She was weird.  We had one or two classes together, but I avoided talking to her. This was her year book.  She was a petite girl, with short black hair.  Everyone said she was crazy because she always wore masks. This is her yearbook picture in a white rabbit mask.



Hatomi had a strange obsession with masks. No one knows why. Maybe they hid what was really inside her.

Due to her obsession, she didn't have any friends. Some students at school used to bully her and pick on her. It didn't stop her. She disappeared in May of 2005. We wondered where she was. Then a week later they gathered us for an assembly and made an announcement. Hatomi's body had been found in an alley. She had been raped and beaten to death. The only clothes found on her was her white rabbit mask, now soaked crimson in her blood."

I hope you can feel the difference.