Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31532017-20170215123526/@comment-28060931-20170217185714

“What have I gotten myself into?”

Dwayne mumbled, a small stream of liquid ran down his cherry red cheeks as he sat above his resting place. Another pool drooped onto below from the side of his skull; the smell of body odor had inundated the once sweetness-filled space'''[For some reason, sweetness-filled sounds weird. I think the word sweetness-filled has a nasty ring to it]'''. The palms on his laps,[remove comma] trembled as he postured there;[I would put a comma here but it's entirely up to you.] thinking away. His self-imposed exclusion was short-lived,'''[I again would remove the comma, but again it's up to you. Just read the setnece to yourself, once taking a breath where there is a comma the other without it. Puncuation only serves two purposes: making sentences understandable and rehulating flow. Don't follow the rules and don't go with what you English teacher says if the opposite is better. That's less about this comma and more about in general about writing.] and intruded as the door leading to the bathroom,[What the fuck are these commas about. The sentences sound unnatural with them sprinkled in.]''' creaked forward. Slowly curving his head around, his eyes met those of almond shaped ones.[This sentence sounds weird try something like "Slowly curving his head around, he met eyes with two round almonds" I came up with this on the fly so you might wanna add a little bit onto my example].

A woman stepped forth, her silky hair lifted as [a/the] breeze followed her from the room's glass pane and into the other'''[what? Into the other what room? Pane? Fix this sentence.]'''. Strolling closely and particularly with grace, her finger skimmed'''[this is actually a workable sentence but I would say something like "She fingered the bed" or "she traced the bed with her finger." I think it adds to the flow.] across the king-sized bed as she headed towards the pensive figure.[comma, not full stop.] Before leaping'''[leaping over the bed? That sounds like she just jumped over the fucking thing. Add the line about crawling feline-like here and merge it with the next one.]''' over it and shifting ever closer towards the young lad. Crawling like a feline, with her rolling tongue matching those of an adder. Along with the teasing of her protruding bottom before embracing him into her arms.'''[the latter sentence borders on being a depedant clause, while techincally correct, it holds the potential to create confusion.]

“What's wrong, Hun?”

“We shouldn't be doing this[comma] Thalia,” said Dwayne as he moved his hand, ridding hers'''[riding her hand? Did you proof read this? Riding her/ rubbing hers?]'''. As he rose from his fixated pose, Thalia hauled him back down and into her frame.[awkward wording]

“Why shouldn't we,” Thalia exclaimed as she used her appendage to wipe off his tears. “I thought this was what you always wanted, my big Dwayne.”[My big Dwayne sounds like something a mother would say to her 8'9 son who is crying becayse someone called him a faggot.]

“Yes, but,” Dwayne sighed before continuing, “not like this.”'''[What romance movie did this come from? I mean I don't have any experience but I don't think this is how people talk. It's like a script in some day-time soap.]'''

Upon hearing that, Thalia's eyes widen; her cheerful smile broke off and she paused for a moment before uttering, “What do you mean?” As she looked up and stared out into the apartment's window, thoughts of her life's worst moments had hit like a truck on the street[weird metaphor considering trucks dont make it a point to hit people unless it's a Stephen King novel.]. Her reflection paved away, revealing her heavily disfigured self that truly stood, behind the layers of the one she had wore at the time being.

Her blood-spilled'''[Blood-spilled? What? Blood filled, maybe?]" messy hair covered the right side of face, leaving a tire-strewn trail exposed onto her left. The same side of arm had been twisted and heavily tangled. The toes were hanging off from her feet, with the tibia bone heavily dislodged.

Winding her head down and with him back into her sights once more, she said, “Guess you noticed, huh?” As her frown angled upside down, with crimson red leaking down from her sockets.

Winding her head down and with him back into her sights once more, she said, “Guess you noticed, huh?” As Dwayne remained there with his hands now shielding his already tear-soaked face, murky darkness leaked down from Thalia's hairline.

Breaking off from the distant gaze and winding her head down with him back into her sights once more, she said, “Guess you noticed, huh?” As Dwayne remained there with his hands now shielding his already tear-soaked face[this literly an extract from the last sentence.], murky darkness leaked down from Thalia's hairline.

Your biggest problem is awkward sentence with horrible flow and wording. Edit, dude, edit. I hate to be an asshole, but did you? I mean how much did you edit? This is a short pasta so not that much editing is needed. I have made the same mistakes, it's quite a common one. But, dude, you have read every sentence five times and ask yourself at least ten questions about it? Does it flow well, do the words fit in, is the grammar fine, etc.

"Another pool drooped onto below from the side of his skull." This is a bad sentence: firstly you say another pool, assuming there was one previously. Without showing or telling us there was already a pool of blood on the ground, your confusing the reader a bit. Now, more seriously, "dropped onto below" is bad grammar and is too vague. Dropped onto below what? If it's ground, just say ground. In writing, you have to be specific not vague and shy about what you're saying. Lastly, "dropped onto below from the side of his skull." That's contrasting a vague and unknown "below" and the side of this guys skull. It sounds confusing to me because me "below" and "side of his.." are two sides used beside each other in different context.

The plot is weird. Apparently some guy was having sex with a zombie chick but most people didn't know she was a fucking monster but he saw her in her true form. Then she killed him and he cried himself on his own grave. The plot needs more explanations. It way too vague.

I'm a shitty author and I suck at reviewing stories so either fix some of these things or leave them alone. With me, be prepared to get something wrong because I'm not good at this.

But here go, reviewed just as you asked.