Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-673245-20150612004034/@comment-673245-20150612094221

Whitix wrote: So this was pretty well written, but it suffers from being the same as most other video game pastas: Users find creepy (These weren't actually that creepy, I think you could up the ante a bit more) messages or files hidden within a game that explain some aspect of the game but were deleted for one reason or another and are only available on a "special" game version. It's just been done quite a lot and this story doesn't particularly stand out. It's not bad, it just isn't especially interesting; the first few paragraphs explaining the game's mechanics aren't that interesting to read through and I feel I need to actually play the game to understand the rest of the story.

I can't think of anything for you to really improve on, as this is well written, but I worry it's just too much of a standard and clichéd video game pasta. I will say that there's nothing too creepy here. The only horrorish elements are present in the hidden messages, but these don't seem that creepy. You should imply more heavily that it's the voice actor instead of the character saying these because I could care less why Lumi dies, but I care marginally more about the actual human forced to say these words.

There's not much more I can think of, still hope this helps!

Yeah, you're right: the story is pretty cliché. XD

Wanna now my main inspiration? "Fallout 3: Number Stations". I found it very interesting... but for me it suffered a little problem: it's very easy to decrypt files and find out that it's fake. I substantially wanted to make something slightly more plausible: only some copies contain something weird, making people wonder if they are owning one of them and they don't know. I wanted to press more on the mystery itself than on creepyness and make the whispers double meaningful: other than the life-threatened voice actor, consider that the game story does not contain much violence whatsover, that's why I thought that adding a creepy hidden backstory about the only character could have been some kind of "wham" for the reader.

Buuuuuut... yeah, you're right: it doesn't make it less cliché. And probably a lot of people will not understand it because they probably never played the game.

Maybe I'll try to submit it anyway. If it gets deleted... I'll shrug and say "Well, I tried".

Thanks for your help, anyway! Your opinions were pretty useful! ^u^

Maybe I'm not going to apply them on this one, but I'll probably use them on other works. Iiiiiffff... I'm going to ever write them. 'cuz time issues.