Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5321651-20150125235547/@comment-26007602-20150126035114

You could just call this the "Bradley Smith Case." It's nothing special, but the best I can think of.

I don't see any glaring issues with the grammar (except maybe the extra spacing between paragraphs) or the plot, so most of this review is going to be opinionated. As it currently stands, it's passable, but this is just what I would change.

I do enjoy the good deal of mystery surrounding the story, but I think you could flesh it out a bit more or give some subtly towards Bradley's condition and the red in the screens (or maybe I'm just not picking up on it, in which case, good job).

The first paragraph is a bit off putting. I just don't really think it's necessary for the story. If you're going to write the characters thoughts in present tense, you should probably nix the "I look out the window, I do this..." Etc. Using someone's thoughts in the same paragraph as having them narrate their actions just feels a bit wrong. I'd also refrain from the all caps to show he's screaming.

The rest of the story, while not bad, just seems rather average. There's nothing really to hold the readers interest if they're not already invested. I'd spice the events up a bit, ins reading of just having Bradley freak out and have him sedated over and over. Throw in some more intrigue, hint at the bigger picture, that sort of thing. The four doctors were found decapitated (thanks for not overdoing the gore by the way), give us some possible reason why. I'm not saying these are necessary changes, but I think it would help the story a bit.

I'm going to be a bit blunt here: nobody cares that it's your first pasta. You shouldn't use that as a crutch to explain your errors (especially when the story contains few). From a readers perspective, your work should (and it does) stand on it's own. We're all here to get feedback, new and old alike, your experience as a writer (while it may show in the piece itself) shouldn't affect anyone's review.

Okay, done ranting. Hope that wasn't too harsh. All in all, the story seems currently passable, but could use a bit more to make it stand out.