Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20150913212525/@comment-25170312-20150913224722

This was really good. The sentence structure was a little iffy at times, but mostly the writing was excellent. You tricked me into thinking the doctor is a buffoon, but then you transition perfectly to revealing he is actually a twisted individual. I like how the narrative works, with the doctor reacting to the answering machine messages. A reading with different people playing the people on the answering machine would be really cool.

There are a lot of errors, though. Here's most of them by paragraph (even if the paragraph is one line I'm still gonna count it so it's easier to list all the errors):

1st paragraph: You missed the word "could" when you said "he (could) be reached". You also added "them" when you said "already gotten them one". Based on the context I assume that doesn't belong. I would also put a period before "Jacob" instead of a comma.

2nd p: "but there was also two others who have called" should be "but there were also two others who had called". When you say "took his shoes" you probably wanted to say "took his shoes off". Finally, "draw" should be "drawer".

3rd p: Again, "draw" should be "drawer". I would also put a period before "he said" instead of a comma.

4th p: "help" should be "helped".

7th p: Inner dialogue is usually in italics, so I would put this all in italics except for "Fifer thought".

10th p: "inhale" should be "inhaled". And I think by the context you mean "sort of" instead of "short of".

12th p: I would take out the comma in the first sentence. Also, "his at home office" sounds a little weird. I know what you mean but I think just saying "his home office" would be better. I had to read it a couple times to realize the "at" wasn't actually a mistake.

14th p: I would change "come" to "moved". It makes more sense. Or something else, but not "come".

17th p: "insolent" should be "insulin".

19th p: When you say "take as many with me" it should probably say "take as many as I can with me."

21st p: In the 4th sentence, "laugh" should be "laughed".

29th p: I would change "had never" to "hadn't".

Again, I really liked this. I'm sure it will be well received.