User blog comment:NIGHTMARECRIPT/The deletion of my CreepyPastas/@comment-10950063-20140131053857

I'm three paragraphs into Illusions and I can already tell it has a lot of problems.

It starts off really cliche, character might be dead or institutionalized, no one will believe him.

Your sentences are very awkward. There's punctuation issues, there's dialogue formatting issues. Needless details. The way you write makes things a little confusing some times. Grammar issues

Big, big character issues. A sheriff, who is probably, at the very least, around 36, would probably not say "chill" to mean "hang out." Also, a cop at the scene car crash (which you should have described) would never move someone. They might first check to see how badly injured a person is and they would probably end up calling an ambulance. This sounds like a severe wreck. The car flips, the top is smashed in. Moving a person who has been in an accident like that should be injured, which this guy doesn't seem to be. But a cop wouldn't move this guy because he might make the situation worse which could lead to a lawsuit. Also, this whole incident seems to serve absolutely no purpose.

It seems like a really small thing, but it's something that immediately makes me think, "Okay, this guy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about."

I'm not going to read this whole thing, I'm just going to skim the rest.

Again, this sheriff isn't reacting like an actual LEO. He immediately threatens this guy, fires wildly, doesn't pursue him when he runs off, doesn't call for any kind of back-up and seems to just shrug it all off afterward.

The news report is ridiculous. I don't know if you've ever seen a news report, but usually they don't let someone talk for 15 minutes straight. That story is long. Also, it's not news. Also, there's some mysterious person going on a rampage. Why would they dedicate so much time to what they're saying is a legend?

What did the sheriff's wife have to do with anything? This sheriff seems to be the entire police force. Why does nobody call the police about all the destruction that's going on? A sheriff wouldn't carry a Desert Eagle. The fight feels like you're described a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots match.

It's a very poorly told story. There's a slight build-up, but it doesn't really work. The sheriff sees the figure a couple times, the figure threatens him, next thing we know the town has become hell on earth. The sheriff isn't a very active character, so that makes the story unengaging. The legend takes up most of the middle of the story and it's just big blocks of exposition. You never describe the things you should, like all the destruction. "After that, I went completely insane." is almost a laugh line.

So, that's what's wrong with it.