Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35826115-20190629165428/@comment-35711173-20190629204034

Vvmaxplays,

I see progress here. Your story is now up to the point where you can get someone to read and review it. I see many other errors in your use of English, but for now that's secondary to the main problems.

A creepypasta, at least in my opinion, starts off normal, then moves off into somewhat strange, then into downright creepy, and escalates to horror. I don't see that here. I see some background story on a video game and a computer malfunction. The very next item is a completely detached mentioning of a newspaper article talking about one woman being murdered by a Microsoft employee. There's no building of tension in the computer malfunction. We go right from having to successfully re-installing a game to homicide.

Just because a story is true doesn't make a successful creepypasta. I learned that lesson the hard way. My first four pastas posted here are based on real events I saw, and I think they bored readers. You need all the basic elements of a story to make it an entertaining creepypasta, true or not.

You have a video game character on a carnival ride having a single bizarre thought/statement. You need to begin to escalate tension, but in a realistic way. Right now, you go from a thought bubble to a down computer that is repaired to six weeks later a homicide involving two people I never heard of, with nothing in between.