Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30138319-20161004012624/@comment-24101790-20161004015051

Starting with the basics, formatting is an issue here. When I first read your story, everything was clumped together since there wasn't a full space between words. Now that that's sorted out, I'm noticing a lot of single sentence paragraphs. That's fine every once in a while for effect, but too much can make the story feel like you're padding it out or it's anemic (more on that later). This becomes even more apparent when you cut off sentences mid-way through:

"But when I went home, feeling as if I was ok now, she came back, and yelled at me telling me to

stop being immature and that I needed to respect her presence"

Lines like this: "When 7th grade started, it made matters worse. My papers started to even show it." feel really sparse, especially when you explain what happens on the next line. Why separate that thought when a typical paragraph is five-ten sentences. It makes it seem like you're stretching out the text to reach a mandatory page limit when you separate ideas like that.

Punctuation: "“Coincidence!", some may say.", "She'd say(: as it's on a new line) “If you don't do this, then this will happen.”", "“Just listen to me and it'll stop”.", "“It'll only make everything worse”.", "“Write better”, but that wasn't going to happen.", etc. Periods, commas, exclamation points, question marks, etc. should be inside of quotations.

Wording issues: "“If you don't do this, then this will happen.” Those words, were redundant, yet also scarring." Redundant means: not or no longer needed or useful; superfluous or repetitive. "Junior high, as if, my world was hex… by Jynx." is awkwardly worded. "I was becoming weaker and lethargic to her." It feels awkward to use lethargic without adding "in comparison" before it as the it's an adjective.

Capitalization: "She was first called Bad luck (Luck)", "So (Plan, as you're treating it like a title) plan A failed.", " numbers. 3’s (Threes) were bad luck, really bad. 6’s (Sixes) were unlucky. 9’s (nines) were terrifying", etc. I would suggest proof-reading your next story as these mechanical issues were the reason I marked it for review in the first place.

Story issues: Lines like this feel like they were ripped from an anime opening: "But my eyes which matches the sky's hue, hold my dreams of being someone!" Look at the sentence before ("Which very much excites me, but at the same time it's kinda frightening, just because it's a new thing for me!") and after ("I feel it'll be alright then, for sure!") for further indication that this feels out of place.

Story issues cont.: "They both died on the same day, after I wrote about them. As days started to pass my fear grew. A fear that I was the cause of it…" This feels like a jump to conclusions situation. While tragic, it seems out of place to just instantly assume something sinister is at play (especially when their means of death aren't explained) What makes the protagonist assume that Jinx is the cause of it and not some other random factor in their life?

Story issues cont.: "Then I could try magic vs. magic. So we made a plan to meet each other after school one day. We went under a tunnel near the school, which could hide us. We found some magic spells online, which seemed pretty legit." First off, how do they know they're legit? Second, how does the protagonist know the tunnel shields her from Jinx's power? Thirdly, if the protagonist found this information online, why are they being so vague on the source of the hex. If there is a source for combating this, why aren't they pursuing it more?

Story issues cont.: "And oddly enough, my one eye grew an infection because she would tell me to constantly clean my left eye, to the point that the iris itself turned a pinkish huise (do you mean hue?)" Why exactly is she telling the protagonist to clean their eye in the first place. This feels like a random insert just to match your OC's description to an illustration.

Conclusion: I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here and the general rushed nature/lack of description really weaken the overall story here. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop first as this needs a lot of work. I would suggest completely revising it if you intend to make a deletion appeal.