Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20160414042049/@comment-29791712-20160429043859

EmpyrealInvective wrote: There are quite a lot of issues here in your story so I'll focus on the mechanical ones first and get to the larger plot issues later.

Spelling/wording issues: "The enemy tried gauging (gouging) at my eyeballs with his ravenous claws", "I gave the man my medal of approval for being able to cease (seize) control of such a valuable part of the battlefield", "The heel of the boot was forced down on my windpipes (should be singular)", "You’re (sic) job, at this point", etc. I would suggest reading this story aloud to catch more of these issues.

This feels really overwritten in spots. "He gave one last endeavor before his body grew stiff, and the full weight of his mass fell upon my arms.", "they lacked the total incentive (initiative? Their incentives is more of a prize which would likely be the same for all) in which I believed I only contained.", "Huge amounts of dust and ash hailed down upon my body, causing my lungs to congest.", "Blood tracks and pieces of flesh embellished the ground below.", "heel of my knife. I pulled the weapon free, and plunged the rapier object (a rapier is more like a sword, a knife is smaller)", "And I’m the one that rendered him the most chills down his spine", "But at the end, he compromised. (complied, compromised suggested he haggled Hitler down to a different condition)", etc. These really don't work too well and tend to break flow when reading them. I would suggest scaling back and re-writing a large portion of this as it feels like this was written with a thesaurus as some of the words don't work contextually and seem clunky/shoe-horned in.

Story issues: lines like this: "I was a mass-murderer, feared by thousands, no, millions, of pathetic souls who failed to see in my vision. I ruled an empire, made a nation my personal bitch, and caused pandemonium all across the globe.", and his gas chamber/oven really give away the twist, that being said, the twist that it's Adolph Hitler really doesn't work. Besides the audience already realizing who the protagonist is from some pretty telegraphed cues, making it Hitler just seems like an attempt to make it more terrifying when focusing on his intentions would make it more effective.

Story issues cont.: I would focus on his plot/machinations at the end rather than using his name to punctuate the conclusion. What is his goal, how horrible is it, how many will suffer, how will he achieve it, what is the scale, etc.? These are the questions you should be answering rather than making the protagonist interchangeable with Joseph Mengele, Amon Goethe, or any of the other dozen war criminals from that era. Focusing on the twist being a certain person gives the story the feel of those pastas that do not get well-received due to relying too heavily on the twist and telegraphing the identity way too early/easily.

I'm sorry, but if this story was posted in its current form, I would likely mark it for review to get another admin's opinion or delete it. There's quite a lot of issues here ranging from typos/grammatical issues, to being overwritten/improperly using words, and plot problems. Thank you for this splendid review. It helped me a lot. Making the risk of having Adolf Hitler be the main character in this story seemed to have not work out for the best. I still love the concept of my story, however, and wish to do something with it, but with a completely different plot and protagonist. Once I come up with something I can work with, and eventually complete the creepypasta, would you please read my story in order to get your opinion? I hope that's not too much to ask for. If you can't, then I completely understand. Thank you again. Much appreciated.