Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26924905-20141207023557/@comment-24381191-20141212170513

First off, the writing in the story is very weird. 'I awaken to a shining flourecent light swaying, hanging from a ceiling, shining in my eyes.' This sentence reads awkwardly, try rereading your stories for awkward phrases.

  "Scared, I see. Don't be afraid, young one." 

Nobody talks like that, no matter how much of a psychopath they are. Also, you wrote a conversation between the protagonist and the villain in one paragraph. Every time a different person says something, a new paragraph is supposed to start.

What follows next is just repeatedly 'I woke up, saw this, fell asleep.' There's no reason why the protagonist keeps waking up in different places, are they his (or her) dreams?

Everything in this is just supposedly scary without any buildup or suspense, or any actual sense of fear.There are also a few typos.

'  "Hush, darling. It's necessary for you to make it to Heaven." I fell asleep again.'

You suddenly change tenses for no reason here.

'  I turn around to see a young girl around my age hovered in the corner. She looks like a stick of cheese. She is very white from the cold. She is without a jacket.'

This entire passage reads very awkwardly. 'hovered in the corner.' It should be hovering, also, I don't think you know what hover means, it's staying in the air.

'a stick of cheese.' What? I don't even know how to criticize that.

' The last thing I see is a sharp stick of metal between my eyes.' Then how are you telling us this? Also, 'stick of metal?' 'A sharp blade' would sound better.

TL;DR: This entire story is very rushed wtih events passing too quickly to seem realistic or scary, no suspense or scares, imagery that isn't even descriptive thrown at us because it's 'scary,' awkward phrasing and no description.

Sorry to be rude, but this story needs a lot of work.