Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20160209031528/@comment-26112985-20160209040344

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I'm sorry but this really doesn't seem up to quality standards. There are quite a lot of capitalization, rhyming, and meter issues here. Here is a guide that might help. It will really highlight a number of issues and difficulties with making a poem-pasta.

Starting with the basics: Each line should be properly capitalized. Even if it's not a new sentence, lines are typically capitalized as if they're the start of sentences. "Truly, he was a keeper," / "a (A) keeper of death, to keep life at bay.", ""Chaos was a power hungry demon," / "who (Who) wanted sons of his own."", "But the site is void of bliss;" / "it’s (It's) a place with joy amiss,", etc.

Rhyming issues: You tend to shift rhyming patterns all throughout the story. You go from ABBA to ABAB without any real reason. Since you're using stanzas and set patterns, you really should sick with them. Switching back and forth really tends to break the flow of the poem and make it seem off.

On the topic of rhyming, there are a number of slant rhymes which really don't work out in the story's favor. "and began to make a plan." / "With the ire of a madman", "Much further down, infernos still rage on." / "There are days of torture from dusk to dawn,", "The Virgin was killed by Chaos himself," / "by disemboweling means." / "Claws cut her to smithereens," / "since she threatened to tell Satan herself.", etc.

Finally a lot of the rhymes feels forced into the story to keep a pattern but it tends to break the flow. "Most called him the Grim Reaper." / "Truly, he was a keeper,", "Chaos murdered God with his strong bare hands," / "Heaven turned into a total wasteland,", etc. There is quite a bit of work and revision here that needs to be done..

On a final note: You can use this template Poem here to make it so the stanzas are joined when there's only a line break (one line, not two like the normal formatting) Like this:

There is no God, only the Trinity:

Chaos, Castor, and Cinder.

It’s the world they hinder,

reigning with Unholy Divinity.

Damn, it was that bad, huh? Yeah, I actually read that guide on poetry before I started writing in what was apparently a vain attempt to better myself. Well, rest assured, I read it again, a little more closely.

I guess with the meter I saw some other more famous poets do something like this and (like the complete fucking idiot I am,) I thought it would be smart to try this out for myself. How do you suggest I fix the slant rhyming here? I mean, it took me a while to sort of get the hang of what I was doing, and now since I know I'm doing it wrong, and I'm back at sqaure one, how can I make it better?

Well, thanks for being honest and pointing out some issues.