Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31294034-20170215180000/@comment-26399604-20170215192123

Who doesn't like settling into a good book after a hot shower with a nice cup of tea? ^ ^

Anyways, let's get into this...so I noticed you did setup a basic scene with a girl enjoying book after what is assumed to be the evening. Right of that back, although it is implied (with the shower and the action of "settling down") that is the evening, I think the story should directly inform the reader that it is. I've taken showers in the middle of the day after doing house cleaning - so who's to say this isn't the afternoon. I just think it will eliminate any possible confusion, especially since the title can be a bit misleading: The Sun in my Eyes. This is just something to consider.

I will note that as the story progressed, we didn't get any insight on how the character felt. Now you did show her attention being drawn to wherever she believed the sound was derived from, but that's it. I think an emphasis on her growing concern for it would help sell this encounter. If we were to take the last sentence out of the story, and say post this on a random site, this wouldn't seem like a horror story. Instead, we have a girl who hears a noise, thinks its her cat, realizes it's not, looks out her window, anndd... that's it.

Now if had added a sense of concern after noticing the the noise wasn't the cat and have the concern grow into fear and then paranoia, then we can see the creepiness of this situation. To add on, when she actually sees the 'shadow', we don't get any reaction from her there as well. That moment is what the entire story is building up to and it was...anti-climatic. The girl doesn't even react it it. There are a number of things that she could (and should) do during a moment like that.

That best advice I can tell you is to picture yourself in this story's situation. At that moment, how would you react? Relay your feelings and translate those into words. Then you can create a proper scene enhanced with those emotions because you know how to feel during that time.

The last thing I wanted to note were the various tense changes throughout the story. You even had a moment where the story shortly shifted to a second-person point-of-view. I will address that piece later, but I will say that particular area was one where you could have focused on the character's feelings.

The story is very short and straightforward and that is NOT a bad thing. You have a one setting premise, so forming a plot around it won't be hard. However, because it takes place in one location, you need to be sure that it's not too dry. As it stands, I think it needs more emotion to set the tone and enhance the events that occur within it.

Hope this helps...

Note: These are the areas should be addressed. Please not the [] for the corrections:

+She clos[ed] her door and return[ed] to her chair.

+Now alert [,] she [turned] her head to scan the room, absolutely sure she had heard something [scratch] at the base of her window.

+No, instead she [sat] up in her chair and listen[ed], trying her best to stay completely still, waiting to hear it again.

+Slowly yet surely she [leaned] back in her chair.

+This time when she mov[ed] to grab her book the soft scratching noise resurfac[ed].

+[second-person awkward] In her eyes you can just see her trying to write the noises off as the shrubbery beneath her window being manipulated by the fall breeze. But even so, you can tell from the way she holds herself so completely still that she doesn't totally believe what her mind is telling her.

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+Suggestion to change from the 2nd-person:

'''Sarah tried to disregard the strange noise. '''

'''It was nothing, probably just the house settling or a shrub rubbing against the house. There was even the possibility of it belonging to a rat. She shivered slightly. Just the thought of a disease-covered vermin that scampered around her floor was unsettling. '''

'''No, it was nothing. It was all in head; it had to be. Yet, she couldn't fully convince herself of this.'''

---

The above was just an example, but your story does present opportunity to play on the use of paranoia and even doubt.

+[awkward wording] They provided a one way window into her room, her life whilst keeping her from noticing what was happening on the other side.

+[Fragment] Except in one spot in particular.

+And then it dawn[ed] on her.

+The curtains hanging over the window [weren't] really curtains at all.

+She stared at it for a minute, then three. [suggest several]

+After [she snapped] back to reality from her mental map of her property [,] she [*saw] that the shadow which had been there just a few seconds ago had vanished. [*suggest: noticed]