Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34296765-20160531180217/@comment-26007602-20160531193856

Alright, let's go over this. Just a heads up, this a very subjective review. I was trying to pinpoint what was off about this and this is my best shot at it.

Your grammar and spelling are fine (which is a nice plus on this website), but there's one major issue I see that this story suffers from: it's not really creepy or scary. Sure, the message it's trying to convey could be considered creepy, but that's highly subjective depending on your belief system. The idea that one simply ceases to exist can be terrifying, but many people have either accepted that fact or do not believe in it. Most who believe in a positive afterlife are perfectly fine with "going" there, as it is generally viewed as better than our current life. I don't want to delve into specific belief systems, but the point I'm trying to make is that the afterlife isn't inherently scary; it's only scary if you choose to make it scary.

That's what you've done here. You've chosen (and whether you believe this or not is unimportant to the story itself, at least from a readers perspective) to view the afterlife as a scary unknown. You're taking a largely innocent (I say innocent because we're not talking about a negative afterlife, such as Hell) concept and twisted it in your own mind to become creepy. That's fine, but other readers may not view the afterlife the same way you do, and this won't find any horror or interest in this story. This story hinges on the readers having a similar view as you, and I dare say your view isn't too common, so it doesn't have much of an effect.

I hope my point is clear.

The rat of the story isn't too interesting; it's just an exaggerated view of the human life cycle. It tries to be philosophical, but doesn't evoke too much thought.

I think it'd be better if you applied this concept to an actual story with plot and characters. If we can relate to the characters fear of fading away into nothing, them that's loads better than you simply telling the reader about the possibility. We need characters to relate to in order to feel horror. Just my thoughts. Hope they help.