Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20170322170153/@comment-26399604-20170325172804

Hi Christian,

The was quite an interesting story. I liked the back-and-forth in it and interactions between the characters; it always good to see good, believable dialogue. It was cool display of the disturbing "power" from Sublime. It does leave a few open-ended questions, but they don't take from the plot.

All-in-all, I enjoyed the story.

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Below are some areas where correction are needed. Please see the brackets:

+His underwear was yellowed to a point where he wondered if they’d ever been white, and he wore thick woollen socks [that] had stiffened from weeks spent sweating in a hot place in a hot part of a hot desert. Daytona was most certainly used to loud and high pitched noises in (Putin It Away) but even she felt a little put off by the noises coming from her friends. ' --Is "Putin It Away" the name of the place? If I think Italicizing it will help distinguish as so. '

Her voice was so low it ceased to be a single continuous sound, but {*was} instead sounded like the clicks of an echolocator. --  Remove the 'was'  

“Is Sally here?” Sublime groaned, turning her eyes to the corner where the three friends {*were} sat. --  Remove the 'were'  

“Keith,” Gav muttered {*having} clearly having just entering the room. --   Remove extra 'having'  

+There, below one of the cheap plastic tables with cake crumbs still strewn across the colourful top he saw the {shadowed} and terrifying form dwelling in a shadow. '  --Redundant. Suggest: veiled or obscured, or darkened) '

+Aaron could not understand what he was seeing but he was horrified to [think] that somehow, throughout it all, the manager was still alive.

+More arms had torn their way from various holes in the [manager]—whose eyes now darted with a sad weary fatigue as though he’d accepted his suffering—and raised the central mass up high...

+ There was no denying it to himself. He needed to go but when he saw it he could not {deny it}. '  -- Redundant. Suggest: Refute or dispute  '