Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34657601-20180212024846/@comment-28266772-20180213172146

It was just a normal day at work. This [this scans poorly because you switch from ‘it’ to ‘this’ between sentences] was one of the busiest days I've seen in my career. I was assigned to work on some document '[is this how an office worker would discuss his job? Why specify him working on a document if he isn’t actually going to be specific?]' in my cubicle, and I was trying to ignore everyone talking around me. I looked around at the clock. It was two o clock- lunch time. I sighed '[“I sighed” belongs with words like seemingly, actually, typically, ultimately, apparently and so on that mean nothing and are almost always used figuratively when they contribute nothing to the story or the prose. Sighing is a cliché – don’t use it unless it’s absolutely vital that the character sigh]' and walked to the break room.

As I walked in, I noticed the bland silver-gray walls and flooring. '[when you need to establish a setting then you need to do so naturally. Having someone strut in and “notice” mundane and everyday features feels artificial. We all know why you wrote this sentence. Try to avoid cheap exposition. You can let us know the room is silver, grey and bland using other techniques. Look at how other writers tell people about the environment and always feel free to shamelessly pilfer others’ technqiues) It was so silent, almost [hey! ‘Almost’- that’s another filler word to the list] like torture. This was odd, considering that my co-workers were almost [repetition] always in here on break. But there was only the strange high pitched ringing in my ears to keep me company [tinnitus; when possible always use the fewest words possible to convey an idea]. I sat in the room alone, eating two bland [repetition] sandwiches and wondering where my best friend David was. He was almost always [repetition] here at this time. Minutes went by, [no need for that comma] and I decided the silence was enough so I tried calling David. The phone rang once, then two times. [The phone rang twice and…]' Then it just dropped. I figured it was my phone being a bitch, so I tried again. However the same thing happened. [Again, there’s a lot of room for you to condense these sentences down] Oh well, [this is the sort of thing someone says or thinks in the moment, but you’re presenting it as part of a retroactive narration so it makes no sense] the bastard was probably declining my calls and playing some sort of joke on me. After all, this isn't [wasn’t; you’ve swapped tense] the first time he's done this. But I couldn't help to [but] feel that something was off. I gave up and started to walk out of the room, [delete that comma] only to hear a strange noise behind me.

It was almost like knocking coming from across the room. I paused for a split second, wanting to blame it on my tired mind. I spun around, curious as to what it was, and for a split second I saw what looked like a figure standing there in the middle of the room. I can't really tell who, or what it was, as it just appeared and disappeared. All I saw was a figure with long, dark hair. For some bullshit reason though, '[If you can’t think of a good reason for someone to do something then don’t have them do it. Either play it serious or don’t. But don’t point out bad character motivation as though it somehow fixes it without actually doing anything to fix the problem]' I still dismissed it and walked out of the room. That should have been a red flag. I sat and continued doing my work at my cubicle, pretending like nothing happened.

The whole walk home after work was unnerving. The constant mixture of dread haunted me. I kept asking myself why I felt like this. I was eager to get home, ready to climb in bed and sleep. Maybe I would spent [spend] some time with my daughter Sarah for a couple hours. I could barely stand the feeling of being watched, so I turned my head for a split second. There was no one there. I turned my head and noticed that there was a little girl just a few feet ahead of me. She had her head down and was walking very slowly. Something about her was off. Hell, something about this whole day was off. She was about ten to twelve years old with long, curly, blonde hair. She was wearing a blue shirt with a black skirt and black tights [black skirt and tights]. I tried ignoring her until she spoke.

"Excuse me, sir." She said in a raspy whisper. I was a bit creeped out because I didn't recognize her as one of the kids who lived around here. She should have no reason to be wandering around at night here, especially at this time of night.

"Hi. Where are your parents?" I said, hoping to get some information out of her. She seemed [filler word] uneasy when I asked that question. '[this is redundant. You don’t need to tell use that he’s asking a question to get information]'

-

Okay so I don’t think going further helps much. But let’s establish the main rules of writing you break.

Mechanical issues – you use filler words, you switch tenses, you repeat phrases close together, you have a lot of redundancy in your writing, and you often overuse commas. You should check out our advice blog area but it includes at least one sentence structure and tenses that I think you might find helpful.

Stylistic issues - First, you tell the audience things instead of showing them. Seems daft when all words tell us information, right? But it’s true. You can just say “Bob was very tall” or you can say “Bob banged his head on the doorway as he ducked to enter the flat. He had to crane his neck just to stop himself hitting the light bulb.” The first thing tells us a bit of information, the second shows it to us.

Second, you need to work on building mood and atmosphere by using descriptive and creative language. Adjectives and descriptive passages contribute to the “feel” of a horror story. Creaking floorboards, haggard skin, writhing maggots and so on. You have bits of this but you do it ineffectively by just stating information like “the room was silver-gray and bland” or “no one was around”. A good way to get a descriptive passage going is to ask the following;

What are its effects on the protagonist’s senses? What do they hear, see, smell, or touch and taste (that last one is unusual but hey, some people work it in).

How does it affect the protagonist’s state of mind?

How does it affect their emotions?

So looking at an office break room you describe it as bland and talk about its colours but that doesn’t go far enough. Do you have a place in your life that makes you feel bored? Consider what stands out to it for you. Does it bum you out? Does it make you feel at peace? Does it smell of old food? Is there a sense of unease in being in an empty break room when it is usually full of people? What do you think will quickly make the reader think of all the empty break rooms they’ve been in and pull the important bits to the front of their mind? Don’t go overboard – a sentence or two is often all you have in a short story, so you have to use your judgement and put those words to good use.

At the heart of mood and atmosphere is feeling, so you need to make sure the audience are put in mind of specific emotions, and not just a list of qualities that a place possesses.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – So I didn’t finish this. Not a pretty truth but it’s the truth. I’ve had people say it to me before and it sucked but hey, that’s life. What you need to know is this.

<p class="MsoNormal">You’ve got a long way to go. Writing is seriously fucking hard. You need to practice, you need to focus on reading up on sentence structure and you need to start reading critically. That means you need to read, a shit load, and you need to actively look for phrases and sentences that stick out to you. Do you like a book?

<p class="MsoNormal">Why?

<p class="MsoNormal">What does the author do that makes you like it?

<p class="MsoNormal">How can you shamelessly steal take inspiration from that technique?

<p class="MsoNormal">You need to make an effortful choice to identify techniques and phrases you like in other people’s work and practice putting them to use in your own. You need to read, read, read, read, read, read, read and write and take the time to read up on sentence structure. This isn't a salvageable story. It's up to you if you'd like to work on your writing enough to keep coming back with new stories.