Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28199808-20160413142412/@comment-28266772-20160425140526

Hi,

It's really hard to review something that isn't a complete story but I'lld try to offer my thoughts anyway.

There are a couple of errors in syntax, and a lot of run on sentences that make me think this could use a proof read. I'd recommend getting someone else to read over it, or taking a break from this particular story and coming back to it. I've decided to take one sentence and show you what I mean.

"From what I know (from the news and my friends mum who knows Marie's mum Elaine)* she went to the very** same park almost every day after school has it is*** on the way home, they live in Central Avenue close to Avon River that runs through close**** to the park."

*I don't think the bit in the brackets is necessary. All that matters to the story is that this news is coming from the community, or whoever. We don't need to know from who exactly.


 * I think this might just be colloquial, or a stylish flourish, but for a long sentence extra words like 'very' can have quite a negative impact on flow. If you'd like to keep this style, then I think it's necessary to limit the length of your sentences.


 * I think this is just a little error left over from a rewrite of a sentence.


 * Once again I think there's too much information here that isn't compelling or necessary. It also raises some questions regarding the narrative, like "why is she explaining the geography of her hometown to her brother/friend?". Also in this section on geography, we have repetitions of the term "park" which is somewhat disruptive. Either way, unless the geography is immediately informative I wouldn't keep it in, because the audience is going to immediately forget when the sentence ends.

So I think these ideas can be applied to the rest of the piece. It's clear that this first section is going out of its way to establish key facts, ideas and themes, which I appreciate is necessary to the story, but they can still be spread out a bit and delivered in a more natural way. I'd mainly recommend shortening sentences where possible and culling extraneous information that isn't immediately relevant.

Other than that I enjoyed reading this, and would like to know more about the characters and story. There were very few spelling and grammatical errors which made it easier to read (I know I picked out some stuff earlier, but there was still surprisingly little and I'm just trying to be helpful), and I felt like there was a distinct sense of place & atmosphere. Overall this story has a lot of strengths, and I hope you develop it further with new installments.

Regards,

Christian Wallis