Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-1729355-20140430024453/@comment-24077689-20140502165129

The strength of this pasta is that it’s not really a gaming pasta. Rather, the video game is just a device used to break Devon down. You could omit Smash Bros. completely from this pasta and replace it with, say The Spongebob Squarepants movie and it would be, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same. The reason I say that the fact that it’s not exactly a gaming pasta is a strength is because it allows you to largely ignore the formula of  the gaming pasta. That’s what makes them so bad, it’s banal, it’s trite, it’s cliché. This is none of those.

In a lot of ways this makes me think of pastas like Lost Episodes or Psychosis. There’s a definite formula you’re using with this pasta, it’s just not the game formula. Rather, you’re applying the formula that makes so many psychology pastas successful to the façade of the game pasta. It’s not a game pasta at all.

The only real problem I have with this story is the beginning. Self-referential bullshit; I don’t like the meta trend that seems to be pervading new pastas. “Hey, I was on the Creepypasta wiki doing this or that… blah, blah blah.” Or in this case, “I guess I’m supposed to start it this way or that way…” Who told you that? Why would you be so self-aware when writing about this real life event to say something like that? Or even worse, why say something like “oh there’s no ghosts in this game, because this happened”. Nope. Fuck that. Do you realize how juvenile that is? And why the fuck do you start it like “yeah, I’ll mention my brother later, OH WAIT NEVERMIND THE ENTIRE FUCKING STORY IS ABOUT HIM”. Like there isn’t even another subject in the story at all. Why wouldn’t you start off with telling us everything there is to know about your brother? He’s the fucking title character. He’s the man. He’s the fucker that we pay attention to. He’s more developed than the narrator.

Which, come on, try to flesh out the narrator a bit more than just “I am a conduit for messed up dreams and my brother’s crazy”. You could add a lot more characterization. At the end when he’s being strangled I don’t give a fuck. Why? Because I don’t root for him, I don’t identify with him; he’s sort of just there. Real people have real emotions, try to express that. If this were happening to a real person it would cause a lot of anxiety, depression, stress-acne, etc. It wouldn’t just be like “yeah, my brother who I was literally born with was acting very strange and in retrospect I probs should have done something”.

And where are the parents? You know what would be great? If you had a moment dedicated to “Hey, mom? Devon’s acting really strange and I don’t think he’s sleeping, and it’s worrying me”; “Oh, yeah, son. I’ll go talk to him.”

The only thought I have of the parents is Peanuts. They’re there but they don’t matter. Until like the two most important events in the story where all the sudden they show up. I mean, seriously? They come home to shit rotting and it’s all dark and they start cleaning? Are you shitting me?

I liked how you set up the dreams, it was nice, but it comes too often. Graphic descriptions of Pikachu being beaten to death aren’t scary after the first time. There’re far better ways for you to set all this up.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by this pasta. I wouldn’t really call it delicious, but it is filling. Work out some of the kinks and I think you’ll have a winner.