Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27726836-20160315161839/@comment-27726836-20160315173147

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

IdeclareaTIMEWAR1 wrote:

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I'm sorry, but this is well below quality standards as well as unfinished. Looking at the basic grammar: it's=it is, its=possession, you forget to put apostrophes in contractions (We're), you need to use commas when there are natural pauses/breaks in sentences ("Were about to land its about time you got up!"), you have spelling errors ("we ammediately rushed", "you cook tommarow.", etc), You also need to capitalize properly ("As i was running i knocked down a boy", "you cook tomorrow." She (she) replied.")

As for the story, it feels pretty rushed and the idea that they would build a mall over a lab that was destroyed in an attack seems unlikely. Additionally, you really need to break up to the story as having everything condensed into one paragraph is not a good approach. As the story isn't complete, I can't really focus on the story, but I will say, if it were uploaded in its current form, it would likely be deleted. In it says it was a rumor and as i said its a work in progress and its far from done. If you listened to the words before the current pasta you would knowtice this is something i just started today and wanted to see if it was good enough to continue with it. My main goal was to make a good start on the story and make sure it was good so i wouldn't have to redo the whole thing. Most of your problems seem to be on the grammar. And spoiler alert i plan to make the rumor of it being built ontop of the lab false and i cast aside the idea i didn't edit it because it was just a rumor. The boy was not the creep as you should know by now but they will be important in the story. As for the lab rumor it has some truth to it in the story. Keep in mind i'm not very experienced with writing and i took a lot of caution to try and make sure i avoided grammar problems and had thought it out. This is only the beggining of the story and i am gonna be doing a lot of editing later for now i'm jsut seeing what people think so far. For now I'm saying that you have a lot of work to do before many people are going to consider dedicating time to helping your story. As for most of my problems being grammar, that's due to the fact that there's little to no story here to really critique (you have two scenes: airplane and vacation home). There isn't enough to really build a solid review of the story.

As someone who's had their story deleted in the past, I thought you might like a helping hand, but judging from your response, I think I'm better helping other people. I just fixed the grammar issue. But from what i said before the start of the creepypasta you can't really expect much since you know i just started it today and am looking for a review on should i continue working on it or should i throw out the idea.