Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25801625-20150713141640/@comment-26475800-20161110043457

Okay, so there are a few problems with this. The wall of text is one, which can be broken up by doing what Underscore said. Once that is done it will be easier to look for grammatical errors.

Story errors:

The twist is very cliche. It's basically the look behind you bit spelt out in the first letter of each paragraph. This can be done well sometimes, but the build-up wasn't there for this story.

Another thing that missed its mark was the second person narrative. It's really hard to write second person. Really hard. So don't feel bad for me pointing this one out, I don't think I could write a story in second person either and have it work either. In fact, I think I've only ever read one story where it worked in second person, and that was a long time ago in one of Ellen Datlow's books.

So here's the problem with second person: if you aren't able to get a person to experience what you're talking about, it's going to fail. Even the slightest part in the beginning will ruin the entire story. Now, you are telling the reader what to do, and it is something that is almost impossible. If you live in a rural area, you will most likely be hearing animals and insects. If you live in an urban area you'll be hearing cars go by and other ambient noise. So it's really hard to get the silence you will need to for this story to even get a tight grip on the reader. Furthermore, when I do get into an area where I can't hear anything, I hear a slight ringing, I don't know how many others get that same sound, but I know of at least three other people. Those three other people are about the only people I've really spoken about it with. So you should try and start with something like that.

The last thing I would like to point out is that the ending dragged on. You tell the person that you're in the house and there is another paragraph after that. most of that last paragraph is just repetitive. A lot of this story is repetitive come to think of it.

Hope this helps.