Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25024572-20170607141552/@comment-25024572-20170616141053

I have similar issues with the story, plus the fact that, when you get down to it, it's very repetitive. The writer could've trimmed some parts. We didn't need multiple chapters in which nothing new happens. Zach fights small monsters, then some big monster, then runs from Red. We get it. Move on. Develop Zach's character or Red's character or something. Ugh.

Also, I took your suggestion to heart, and made this edit:

“Don’t give up,” Melissa said, her words shown as blue text on the screen. “I love you.”

“Erm…” I said, awkwardly.

“What is it?” Melissa asked.

“Well, you see, I sort of…well…moved on after you died,” I told her sheepishly, scratching the back of my neck.

“You WHAT?” she asked.

“I mean, we dated, what, back in middle school? That was years ago.”

“But I died! Doesn’t that make you feel at all guilty?”

“It did…”

“Did?”

“The person I moved on to put out.”

Melissa’s pixelated form just glared at me, like she was angry or trying to take it all in. Probably both.

“So you moved on from your dead girlfriend because another girl would have sex with you?”

“I’m in my late teens playing a fucking Godzilla game. Does that seem like an opportunity I get very often?”

Melissa’s sprite threw up her stubby arms is anger and exasperation. “You know what, Zach? Fuck you, ok. I try to help you because I thought you loved me, but noooo, you moved on. Screw you.” Melissa said.

“Melissa, wait, don’t go…” I started, but it was too late. Her sprite disappeared from the screen.

“Can we talk about this?” I asked the black screen.

A blue hand flipping me off appeared.

I could guess what she meant.

After about five minutes or so, the blue hand disappeared from the screen, and Red decided to make an appearance.

“So, are you gonna kill me now?” I asked.

Red shook his head.

“Nah, bro. I saw what happened. That was harsh.”

I couldn’t believe it. “You’re not going to kill me?”

“Nope. Bros before hoes, dude.”

“Wait, we’re bros now?”

“I’m not killing you. Are you going to keep questioning it?”

There was a very brief pause, and then:

“Red, my bro, how are ya?”

And that’s the story about how a demon in a game cartridge became my bro.