Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30771515-20170214100658/@comment-30771515-20170219071045

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Sorry for the late response, I didn't see your message until about an hour ago as you put it in the middle of my talk page with older messages and someone messaged me between then and now. Here's my review:

"This conversation between a Trenton County emergency dispatcher and six year-old girl named Phoebe Baxter was recorded moments before her abduction and moments after the murder of Katelynn Baxter on September 27(th), 1988"

"Dispatcher: 911 what is your emergency?"

"Oh it's [address expunged],(or .) miss is help coming?"

"Dispatcher: 911 what's you're (your) emergency?"

"Phoebe(,/!) don't make me come in there!"

"*Large pound with metallic clinking and wood splitting*" Is a bit awkward. Do you mean to say a 'loud pounding' as the sound is repetitive (as the wood is splintering and not splintered) and the noise described as a sound and not a size.

"Sh-She('s) your daughter(.) I know you're in there somewhere please fight this,"

"Bobby Ray:" I'm assuming you mean to put an ellipses here to signify he's not saying anything and is listening in. (although I might add something like heavy breathing or something to indicate a person is present.

"Dispatcher: I'm guessing your (you're) Bobby, please if you've had (have) any human decency you'd let Phoebe go. She's only six!"

Also all instances of God/Lord/Father should be capitalized if you're referring to a specific god (I counted 5-10 instances throughout the story that can be dug up with control+F). Also the Cultist would likely refer to their deity as a proper noun.

While you have improved the story a lot, I'm still seeing a number of things that could be fixed. The errors I pointed out above. Additionally I would suggest reading it aloud to yourself and cleaning up any awkward sounding phrases you come across. Finally, I feel like the descriptions could still be a bit more effective but the square parentheses explanations do add to it more. I would say if you correct these things, you are probably good to post it (i.e. you don't need to message another admin for an appeal once you've fixed the mechanical issues and decided on whether or not you want to re-work the descriptions some), although I do think that some revision and improving of the descriptions would make the story a lot more effective.

Will get right on it. Thank you.