Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27905100-20160326210524/@comment-28055451-20160326230423

Hey dude. Here are some tips:

"What the fuck? Oh. Shoot... Dad told me never to use that word. When he finds this I’ll be in trouble. I’ll probably get a time-out when he sees this. Dang." I get that you are trying to show that the kid is young and give us a little glimpse into the kid's life. But if the kid is going to get into trouble, why write the word and then say he will get into trouble? It isn't like he accidentally said it, because he wrote it, and could therefore delete it and avoid trouble. I get what you are doing, but all in all, it just doesn't add up in the story.

"Turn on the news to channel nine, and you will have a good time!” Dude. That is a terrible jingle. That news channel should be sacrificed to Donald Trump. Seriously though, that is a really cheesy jingle, and it makes your story seem a bit unrealistic.

"On the couch there was a strange stain. It was white, and looked fresh. I don’t know what it was, and I don’t know what my parents were doing, but it was there. It looked fresh, too. I touched the stain. Normal human instinct is to touch it. You know, that might not have been the best idea to have Touch It! As default human instinct. But anyhow, I touched it. It felt really weird and sticky. Gross. I moved to the other side of the couch, not wanting to get too close to it. It was incredibly disgusting."-- Dude.... What in the name of sweet Moses.... That is totally wrong dude. Like the parents would actually be having sex on the couch and not even clean it up? You don't even need this paragraph to help with the story! It is just nasty and unnecessary! Dude... really...

"As I’m running I trip over something. It felt like a soccer ball, but harder. More bony… I turned on the lights to see what it was. With a flick, all of the horrors of the room invade my consciousness. Like some mad dissection, I see my family’s heads on the floor, rolling around like balls. Their lungs blown up and tied off like balloons, and on the wall, using their intestines as ink, “MERRY CHRISTMAS” was written. I recoiled in horror and found myself collide with something. I turn around to see a silhouette in a grotesque, somewhat human shape. I bring to myself the courage to say one thing." How did the murderer get into the house? And he really murdered the parents without you hearing anything? This isn't that fantastic. Your ending deflated all the suspense you built up to.(And built up to quite well, I might add)

But all the things you used to build up the suspense (flashlight & batteries, floor creaks, scratching, etc.) Never played a part in the ending of the story. You had suspense with these things, but then you randomly introduce the spook who somehow inflates the parents lungs with pure oxygen and gets them to float? That is quite unrealistic.

And what is the motivation for the serial killer? And how did he even get into the house? The biggest problem with this story is its lack of realism.

Yet despite all this, you have a good style and you built the suspense up well. Your ending needs help, and your spook is a bit weird, and the gore kinda hurt the story overall. You have a good concept (bar last paragraph) and have the makings of a good pasta. But overall, the story needs some work.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:13.333333333333332px;font-family:Arial;color:#d5d4d4;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Good luck!