Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33488654-20180822020522/@comment-35911608-20180824130105

I have to agree with Jdeschene. This is far from ready for prime time, as you asked me.

Two weeks later, the woman who hit Cooper confessed that she did it and took off because she couldn't find him, so he was issued a 1000$ citation, 600$ for speeding, and 400$ for fleeing the scene of the accident.

This is what I mean when I say it feels too much like a news report. In what way does this add to the plot? How does this make the story progress or make Cooper any more frightening? It doesn't.

As soon as he got out of the heated car, the air felt as though it were 40° Fahrenheit even though it was a summer day, but yet Oliver felt as though his blood were slowly boiling, his blood was also rushing through his veins, yet it also felt like it was slowly thickening!

Welcome to the Clan of Redundancy Clan. I know many of us said more description, but this is just dragging our feet now. It's a whole paragraph to tell us "it was hot out." Yeah, you can word it more interestingly to tell us it's hot out, but this is just telling us, one, two, three, four times that's hot.

And then I get to the same point as J did above: what's the point? Why does it matter that Cooper is roaming the highway? We're being told a lot more about Cooper than the people that encounter him, so we don't feel the fear he presents because we're not worried about the characters.

It needs work. That's all I got.