Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32807959-20170811154654/@comment-32461413-20170813121033

I had to completely rewrite my review as when I hit post, everything I wrote just disappeared. I'm not sure if it will come through or not, but in case you see two messages from me, at the current moment, my review I just wrote is no where to be found.

I have found numerous grammatical, structural and mechanical errors. I would include the links to the writing advice page like I did in my deleted review, but the Wiki is undergoing some technical issues. You can find what I'm talking about by going to the community tab at the top of the page, and looking at all the pages under writing advice. I also suggest looking at Grammarly for help as well. With that out the way, I will go through some story specific notes.

When you establish a character, the need to use their names is lessened. Vincent and Terry are established early on so the repeative use of their names is unneccesary.

You switch from the past tense to the present tense numerous times. Pick one and stick with it. "Once (cliche way to open a story) there was (past tense) two boys named (past tense) Vincent and Terry. They are in (present tense) Elementary (elementary is not a proper noun therefore should not be capitalized) school and love to tell (present tense) each other scary, paranormal stories."

Your paragraphs are a bit strange. You change paragraphs when something changes. If a speaker changes, always start a new paragraph. It makes it less clunky to read. Also, change paragraphs when you go to a new idea. This example: "Of course every day it varied. (Right here you went to a new paragraph where it was not needed) Anywhere from oranges to animal crackers..."

There is way too much detail here. The amount of background information is so excessive that it makes the reading longer than it should be. If it isn't of relevance to the story, it doesn't need to be mentioned. Also, start the story where it starts. You start about 1,000+ words in. The daycare is described with such vivid detail that it not needed. The daycare itself is not that important to the story. You should really slim down the story a lot. Your diction choices can be a huge advantage to this. For instance, using stronger words in place of some weaker and obvious ones will make your story detailed but not bulky. Words such as "said" for example can be changed to "explained" or another word with descriptive qualities. But all in all, you don't need this much detail to the story. When establishing the setting, more detail is good. However, you need to shift more to building the story, theme and plot and focus less on the background. Because of all this information, the story doesn't advance much. You have 300% of a story here.

Your prose is a bit stiff and literal. Utilize rhetorical devices such as similes, personifaction, and metaphors rather than describe things in a literal sense. Your writing will be more interesting and natural than it is currently.

You use an apostrophe incorrectly. You have Vincents instead of Vincent's and repeat the issue similarily in many places. You also write mothers' instead of mother's. Singular = mother's, plural = mothers'.

You only capitalize proper nouns such as names. You also capitalize the beginning of sentences. You have the issue with Elementary school instead of elementary. You also have "boys and Girls" instead of "boys and girls."

Realism: So the daycare kicks out kids once they hit their teens. You mention that the kids are fith grade, but in one year will be too old for the daycare. This is not possible as in fith grade, you start off as ten years old and turn eleven. In sixth grade (which is now middle school) they will turn from eleven to twelve. That means they won't be too old until they are half way through seventh grade in which they turn from twelve to thirteen (side note, I can't say that it is common for a kid to be in daycare while in middle school, they can usually hold down the fort by then).

Is it daycare or day care? I see both in the story. Either one works, just pick one and go with it.

Awkward wording: "He dare not expose it at his school."

More awkward wording: "That was the end of that camera of Vincents (sic)" instead of "that was the end of Vincent's camera"

Confusing writing: "He wasn’t a professional film person (he's in elementary school, no one expects him to be) so he just free filmed for the majority (what does this even mean?)

More confusing writing: "He also filmed some of his teenage baby sitters and couples a lot from the teenage son of his mothers’ boyfriend because Vincents parents are divorced." Read the last sentence aloud and you'll notice it doesn't make sense.

Poor word choice: "Also he would get beat up pretend style which was a strange little hobby of his." pretend style is not what you should use. "He would pretend to get beat up" is better. Also, the fact that is a strange hobby of his should not be mentioned unless it serves a purpose to the story.

In some places you use the incorrect verb: "Another possibility given to Vincent by Logan is that it was Terrys’ fault because Logan saw Terry bulge the tape in when it wasn’t ready to receive it." Bulge? I have never heard that word used to describe that action before.

Some places have too much description. "It’s about a spirit that wanders like a green, lighted, slimed, ghostly, ghastly germ ball." Rule of three means to only have three descriptors.

Redundancy: "His mom is making him go with his daycare with younger kids to the long trail that Vincent and others hated to walk because it was so long (redundant; long trail that is too long).

"Shaperone" is actually spelled chaperone. It is misspelled everytime it's used.

Stiff structure: "It’s a big field trip. He’s going with his school. There’s going to be like eight to ten buses." Multiple sentences at approximately similar length becomes uninteresting after awhile. Using the word "like" in the last sentence makes the story feel like it is narrated by a teenage girl.

Another example of my last point: "So they set up camp at the next sign. Everyone was so thirsty. It was getting dark. They set up a campfire. That night he told the story and said the chant. It worked. The kids were terrified and couldn’t get to sleep. Vincent was so ("so" is weak) happy (happy is vague and obvious)."

What exactly was the scripture and why did he just happen to know it? The fact that he found it comes out of the blue despite it being one of the more important aspects of the story. This is what summons the Duppy. There is no origin to it and the description given is vague.

"ACTUALLY NOTHING BETTER TO DO" writing in all caps to convey shouting is in bad taste.

More incorrect wording: "There was (were) three kids missing."

Also, "They talked a lot and sparkled enjoying conversation and interesting topic" Sparkled is not a verb you would use here.

Realism error: "Soon they gave up and were planning to send the rest of the kids home and call the FBI." They would call the police first. The kids could just be lost for all they know.

There are places where a comma is needed but it isn't there. Read your story aloud (which will solve many of the issues I'm listing including the awkward wording) and put a comma where a pause is needed.

Some more confusing and uneccesary details: "They got Barry a gold football and a chocolate bar (does it matter what they got him?). It was indeed for one night (does this detail matter?). Therefore a sleep over (pretty obvious actually). It was to be on Saturday and it starts at three o clock (this is the only relevant part).

Logic error: "They walked several times across the lake." I know you mean to say that they walked around the lake, but the word across makes it seem like you're describing the children as Jesus.

More confusing  writing: "She said she got in an argument with one of the teen boys and she was so upset she did exactly what he suggested she do." Who suggested her to do what? And what did she do? Why is it of importance?

You use "brots" instead of "brats."

Sometimes your writing gets to be cartoony: ""Could you guys please take little Andrew with you, he’s becoming a grand nuisance to me and is close to ruining my life” she said." Close to ruining her life? That is quite the hyperbole. Grand nuisance? That is really strong wording there. It is something hard to imagine that a typical person would say.

"Please please please!” you need a comma in between each "please."

"di- summon" what does this word mean? It is clearly spelled incorrectly as well. You probably meant "desummon" when you should have "unsummon."

Is it a Duppy or a Dubby? It changes from Duppy to Dubby which is confusing.

Some places lack emotion: "They were all so happy to see their kids. But they were also sad they could not get to them" there is no real impact here. They were just happy to see that their own flesh and blood is alive from this demon thing? They are only sad that they may watch them die in front of their eyes? If my child was in this kind of danger, "sad" would be quite an understatement.

It's = it is. Its = possessive.

Be careful with repetitive wording. For perspective, I took the second to last paragraph and bolded everytime you use the word "blood." Make sure to vary up your word choice.

“Well that didn’t work” said Vincent as he spit some blood out of his mouth. Pure blood covered the whole team of human blood. Nora, Terry, Vincent, the teens and the adults are blood soaked. They all stood still and hesitated. Soon as they began to move they noticed that the blood puddles that were already on them began somehow getting better. Actually the blood on the trees came spilling down creating more blood puddles. Then two hands solid made from pure blood grabbed Vincent began pulling him into the blood puddle. The rest of the group were dragged under the blood puddles by the forms of several kids made out of blood."

All in all, I think you have potential for a story here. You just need to go back and chop a lot of the uneccesary detail out. There doesn't need to be so much description, especially when the description doesn't progress the story. Even the level of detail over the friendship of Vincent and Terry doesn't mean much in context. Also. read the story out loud to see some of the awkwardness in wording and how some areas do not make sense. Run it through Grammarly as well.