Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24696562-20140606220206/@comment-24696562-20140607195842

Blackgal wrote: Resident DeVir wrote: There's a lot of grammatical errors. It seems you forget to capitalize the one-letter word I, which must always be capitalized. Your paragraphs aren't sufficiently split up, as you're supposed to start a new one when person B says something after person A. There shouldn't be more than one exclamation mark after a sentence, and it looks weird when you put a question mark after an ellipsis.

As for the story itself, I didn't think it was very good. You don't mention why her peers target her, and judging by the bit of information you give us on Daisy being killed, I'm going to assume she comes back from the dead as some kind of zombie-Jane the Killer hybrid and starts murdering her bullies, which would be so cliché that the story might not meet quality standards simply because of that.

I would like to see what exactly you have planned for this, though; I might be wrong in my assumptions. I will explain to you. She does not come back from the dead as a zombie. When she dies, She gets out of her body into a spiritual state. From all the hurt and pain that was brung to her, she begins to look for the bullies to begin killing them. After she kills all of them, she wants to kill more and more until she grows on to be half demon and half ghost. Thanks for looking out for those grammatical errors and I know there is plenty wrong with the demo. And to mention WHY her peers target her is because she's not you know the usual stupid things teens do and crap. Because she's not popular and better than everyone else. But then they get to the point where they bully her so bad that they end up killing her. And yes, the story is not fully developed. It has  a lot of errors going on and plenty of questionable things because the story is not finished. That also is a draft. I'm still planning onto how I will create her story to come into a better experience. But she is NOT like Jane The Kller. I planned to make her Original instead of being copycat. I didn't want to do that and I wanted to come on with a better Experiment that would really be cool. But so far, I'm still trying to come up with a better story line.

I planned to have made her into a good character--And i tried not to make her into being so horrible and cheesy, but i guess that came out bad. But so on, I'm NOT trying to make her into Jeff the killer or Jane the killer and i am not trying to make her into such copycat states. I was planning to go on and fill in more information about this character's background into why she kills and how she kills. I wanted to not make her kill EVERYONE for no reason but to be selective. I found out that there are many people who just make cp's that kill everyone. I wanted her to be specific and smooth-- very professional. But I won't dissapoint any of you guys--She's not going to be that bullshitty. So yeah, i just needed to test the waters with that draft and it is not as good as i thought it would be. But please bear with me. This is not my best.

Also to be honest i should have read over it before posting. I think i might just try again some other time and keep working on her. Thanks.