Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26459137-20150604195425/@comment-26007602-20150605065358

Alright, I realize that English isn't your first language, but the grammar is still a huge issue that needs to be dealt with. I can't go through the entire thing and point out every single error, so I'd advise you to post this in Word or some other word processor that can highlight those errors for you. Here are a few general things I can think of off the top of my head:

There is no space after punctuation. You do a lot of this, when it should be this. Dialogue needs to be in "quotation marks" instead of -lines. You overuse ellipses waaaaay too much. They are used only really used in stories like these to indicate pauses during a conversation. They don't create tension, nor do they work outside of dialogue (Plus this is supposed to be a journal, so they are very out of place, but more on that later). You shouldn't ever use all caps to denote rage or to emphasize a word. Use italics instead.

I'd read your dialogue out loud, as it seems very unnatural for people to talk like that. I don't know if it's the language barrier or not, but no person would say "My god is it scary."

Again, there are many grammatical errors here that would warrant the story's deletion, and I just can't name all of them. It may be easier to write the story in your first language and try to find a site in that language to post to.

But let's talk about the story itself.

This does not read like a journal. Nobody would... use... ellipses... to... build tension... in their own journal because it makes no sense. I'd ditch the whole journalistic approach and just tell a story.

The beginning paragraph introducing our narrator is useless because none of the information means anything to the story. I don't care about our character's favorite hobbies, nor do I want to listen to him describe himself because it doesn't play into the story. This isn't a good way to get your reader invested in the story; admitting it's a "lame beginning" does not make it any less lame. You need a hook to draw the readers in. I'd also heavily advise you against directly stating information about our protagonist, as his actions should show his personality; you shouldn't tell us about it.

"I narrate my story in English so most people around the world can understand." Come on man, don't handicap your writing ability because you want your story to have a broader appeal. I really think writing it in your preferred language would be easier than trying to write in English.

"I decide to tell my history teacher of it to see if he knows which language it is. I was lucky because I knew" The second sentence contradicts the first. He wants to ask his teacher what the language is but already knows what it is? That makes no sense.

"But this was only a legend and the people of this culture were all schizophrenic, misanthrope drug addicts." I'm sorry, but why does having a mental illness such as schizophrenia make you a worse person; why is it used in a derogatory way here? There's nothing wrong with being schizophrenic; it's a shit disorder to get stuck with, no need to demonize those who have it.

I think you need to elaborate a bit more on the demon guy's followers. What's their culture like? Why do they follow a demon that they know wants to enslave them? It could make the story more interesting and give it more logic.

At this point, I am actively rooting for our protagonist's death. He's reading a book about some demon and then finds a box with his name on it? And he doesn't see any problem with that? You need to give him a reason to not be a complete idiot. The next part where he becomes obsessed with Gorkttor is also sort of face-palm worthy as well. He reads about this cult becoming obsessed with this guy and dying off and immediately becomes obsessed with the guy. Really?

With all the pictures of Gorkttor, you should really, really, really describe him to the reader. Our narrator is fascinated by him but doesn't actually describe him in any way. We as readers have no idea what he's supposed to look like (I just kind of picture Mortal Kombat's Goro instead).

The ending is kind of... meh. Nothing really happens besides our protagonist (Which I haven't cared about or related to; you may want to make him more relatable) goes crazy and maybe dies. There should be something else. Why did he have those dreams of killing Emily if they don't matter to the story or foreshadow her death? You'd think he'd at least attack her or something.

Finally, I'll leave you with this in case you plan on doing a rewrite. That link talks about the pitfalls of the OC trope, and while your story isn't (thankfully) about some teenage serial killer, it stull suffers from many of the same problems. This seems to be a simple vessel for introducing your OC Gorkttor and making him famous (Hence the "So more people around the world can see it). You should never design a story around a character; you should let a story consume the character.  You wanted to make a creepypasta monster, but you should focus on telling an interesting story instead.

I hope this helps a bit. I'd recommend on reworking the plot first before tackling the grammar. If the grammar is impeccable, but the plot is subpar, then the story won't hold up. Bad grammar can and should be fixed if the plot is well enough.