Thread:UnsungBlood/@comment-10950063-20140223053700

All right, let's see. ..

Okay, HUGE thing: wall of text. Gigantic wall of text. You need paragraphs. When it's like this, it's almost impossible to read. Not only that, but it also violates our rules about proper grammar. You need to start a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker.

The other main thing is your story has problems. Mostly in regard to loads of unnecessary detail. When you're writing, keep these questions in mind:

Is this. ..

Interesting?

Moving the plot forward?

Necessary to understand the story.

Stuff like the character playing Gex for a bit is unnecessary. There's a paragraph about the guy and his family watching Fringe, You explain way too much about things that don't matter. Granted, it gets you to a place where the character is thinking about codes, but there has to be a faster way and if there isn't. you need to shave off a lot of the unnecessay bits.

You need to keep your story moving. It needs to be tight. Streamlining it let's the plot and writing grab the reader. In longer works, it's okay to give things a bit more breathing room, but in short stories you need to stay on track. 