Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25382945-20150926043827/@comment-26475800-20150926145653

Okay, so there is a lot of grammar issues with this. The story itself was more interesting and cool than it was scary or creepy. The execution however, was very poor.

So here is what I would suggest you do: don't make it so vague. If one thing happens make it happen across the board, not something different for everyone. Go into depth with the other dimension show something a little creepier than just other Yous living a different life. That isn't scary, but if there was some monsters which are lurking just on the other side of the vale between realities, that would make it a little scarier.

Now for some grammar. Most every time you said "too" it was wrong. More often than not it could have been "to." when you use "too" it is including something. Think of it this way, if you can use "as well" or "also" than you can use "too." The only exception to this rule is if you are referring to an amount. such as "far too little" or "far too many." Everything else that I can think of right now would use "to."

I also noticed your use of "then." This was something I had a problem with for a little while, too. "Then" is used with it concerns time, as if a certain amount of time had passed. "Than" referrers to comparing things or happening because of something else, that isn't time related. I hope that makes since.

One more grammar piece of advice, because now I am forgetting the rest of the issues I've seen; punctuation inside of quotation marks.

The story could be easily fixed up to make it more hard hitting, than it should be accepted. However, if I were you, I would still post it in WW after the revisions.