Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28467653-20160515214806/@comment-28266772-20160516160540

I don't think an automated translation service is going to work for you, unfortunately. You may be better off finding a similar creepypasta community which is based in your native tongue. As it stands the quality of the translation is severely lacking, to the point where I'm not sure if I could even offer you help on the narrative or plot, because it's not very clear what is happening. I can only recommend you improve your English skills, or consider collaborating with someone who could take this translation and improve it (but they would need more information about the plot etc.)

However, there are thriving non-English creepypasta communites. I've decided to post the Spanish creepypasta link below because I don't know your first language so I can only guess that it might be Spanish. It's a thriving community with over 10,000 edits so if Spanish is your first language I think you'll find a lot of success there. There are also other wikias, and creepypasta communities, in many other languages.

http://es.creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Portada

As it stands I can offer you the following insight into your plot and narrative, bearing in mind it's really hindered by the poor translation. [It may be that some of what you have written is inspired by folklore or mythology from your culture that, with prior knowledge, makes a lot of sense. But I can only review from what I know.]

1) The hole at the centre of the town should be explained more. A hole, by itself, is not particularly scary. Especially when people treat it like it isn't a big deal.

2) Town's that have some weird conspiracy should have... well a weird conspiracy. I don't believe people would choose to live in a town where their children are at risk of being eaten by a monster, or any other threat, unless there was a really, really, really good reason. The parents could be insane, malicious and evil, power hungry, or forced into staying against their own free will. But I don't believe people would just get used to this sort of situation, where every day they have to sit quietly in their house to keep their children safe from some unseen threat, when they could probably just move to another town.

3) The descriptions you give of whatever is outside are too vague. Some metallic scraping doesn't let me, as a reader, picture anything. So I can't really get scared.

4) The ending is completely confusing. Not super sure what happened to the sister. Or anything else for that matter. Try to make the course of events clearer to the reader.

5) Overall I do not understand the relationship between the hole, whatever was outside, the woman waking up and looking in the mirror, and the family having breakfast downstairs.

If you're willing to wait, I will take some time out tomorrow or the day after and make an annotated version of this story, or part of it, to highlight the errors in English and provide general tips for you when writing in English for the future.

Best of luck.