User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Avengers: Truth

Anyone ever read the comic Ruins? It was a two part comic that came out in 1995 that explored a very dark version of the Marvel universe, in which most of the famous Marvel characters we all know die, be it from their own powers, the accidents that gave them powers in the mainstream continuity, or getting killed. Why am I bringing this story up? Because the story I'm Riffing, "Avengers: Truth", seems to take more than a few pages from this story. What do I mean? Well, let's suit up, and Riff this bitch to find out.

Doubtless, you've heard of the comic book superhero team, The Avengers, "Earth's Mightiest Heroes." ''I’m a hardcore comic nerd who happens to really like Marvel. What do you think?'' Sadly, in reality, none of these individuals have ever truly met, and their actual stories have yet to be revealed. In reality, none of these individuals existed. For now, I will only tell those of the most well known. “Later, I’ll tell you about lesser known ones.”

Captain America was indeed created through an experimental super-solider serum, “except in reality he ended up speaking fluent German.” although this was composed of a unique mixture of steroids and a regenerating agent that constantly recreated the serum within his bloodstream. The serum enhanced his body, but left his mind damaged, That’s why he says purple is his favorite letter. leaving him little more than a killing machine.

He was the ideal weapon of the US Military, secretly responsible for a mass murder in Germany that lead to the Nazis surrendering and Adolf Hitler's suicide. ''‘MURICA! FUCK YEAH! However, the Captain himself was killed, ‘MURICA! FUCK- oh.'' shot like a rabid dog by the US government, out of fear that one day he would be too powerful to control. The comic books are mere propaganda that exists well into the modern day, as a preservation of the Captain's image as the ultimate patriot. “The ultimate patriot, second only to the American Sniper.”

Iron Man, AKA Tony Stark, a brilliant inventor, was portrayed as a playboy who flaunted himself. “In truth, he was kind of boring.” In truth, he was an extremely introverted individual whose sole company was his assistant Pepper Potts. “Pepper Potts later left Tony for someone less introverted.” He built weapons and sold them to the U.S. military due to feeling that he himself could do nothing for his country. He could always become an insane killing machine. His alcoholism, a fact that was left in his comic book portrayal, and in many of my jokes, brought about the end of his life, via liver poisoning. His last invention, a suit of powered armor, was left unfinished as he collapsed while working on it. ''“Almost done, and…AH! MY LIVER!”'' This is why, in the comics, there are so many versions of Iron Man's armor, as a final design was never produced. I thought it was because writers and artists liked making new suits.

Thor was cast from his home in Asgard, but his powers were never returned, for his deeds went beyond those of merely arrogant behavior. “Those deeds were jay-walking and littering.” The entire realm of Jotunhiem was destroyed by the Asgardian prince, it's people left as broken bodies, due to Thor's insane bloodlust and paranoia. Oops. His father Odin was so horrified by the carnage that his son left in his wake that banishment was the only punishment that he could deal without lowering himself to Thor's level. ''Really? You’re Asgardians. I’m sure you can think of a better punishment outside of banishment that could work.'' The deprivation of his powers eventually lead to a more clear mind, and Thor felt nothing but shame and remorse for his actions. “I should never have allowed Kat Dennings in my movies.” During a thunderstorm, Thor lept to his death, and his soul was sent to sleep in Hell for all eternity. Hopefully it was a comfortable sleep. His hammer, Mjolnir, still remains within the Asgardian palace as a symbol of shame. Interior Decorating 101: Symbols of shame look great in your palace.

While he did indeed suffer the wrath of an abusive father, Gamma radiation had nothing to do with the Hulk's creation. The Incredible Hulk 2: The Wrath of Bad Parenting. Instead, Bruce Banner was born a malformed child, growing to a large size, but retaining a brilliant mind that sadly was never put to good use. Then how do you know he had a brilliant mind? He accidentally killed a woman after pushing her out of the way of a speeding vehicle, Oops accidentally snapping her neck. No, it’s Spider-Man who accidentally snaps women’s necks. The authorities hunted and hounded him, until Bruce finally decided to retaliate, By “retaliate”, they mean “dance.” fighting and fighting until his body gave out. He was killed by an overzealous soldier named Emil Blonsky, who shot him in the heart. ''SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVE MARVEL A BAD NAME!'' Later, proof was revealed that Banner was only trying to save the woman he killed. However, Blonsky did not regret killing him, stating that it was nothing more than a job, albeit one he enjoyed. ''Why did he enjoy it? Did he like the fact that he got a heart shot? This statement lead to many dubbing Blonsky “American Sniper”'' "The Abomination," who was portrayed in the comics as a far more monstrous creature than the Hulk himself.

Natalia Romanoff, known to her enemies as the Black Widow, “and known to her friends as Mommy Long Legs” was raised during the Cold War, fighting and running almost all her life, so it only made sense that she became an assassin. Yep, that’s totally logical. However, the torment of constantly fighting left her damaged, and she became a merciless killing machine. ''Shame she never met Captain America. They would’ve gotten along pretty well.'' She continued until she was given a contract to murder an innocent child. Somehow, a change of heart overtook the cold-blooded assassin, I guess her heart grew three sizes and instead she took a knife and butchered her employer, and in her despair, turned the knife on herself, tired of spilling blood. Except her own blood. In the comic books, her psychopathic tendencies are never shown, ''On the one hand, I’m sure that’s bullshit. On the other, I’m too lazy to prove it.'' as this was hidden from all records after her death.

These individuals are linked by death, dying either by suicide, or the authorities. Or booze. That is why, in their idealized, brightened ''Brightened? Have you not seen the 90s? Or the Ultimate universe?'' comic book alter egos they unite as a team. ''Um, no. The Avengers became a team to compete with the Justice League. Same reason the Fantastic Four were created.'' The comics themselves are a way of giving these sad individuals a second chance in a reality that may or may not exist. Also, to make lots of money.

This story isn't that bad, honestly. It has some interesting ideas, and it's great spelling and grammar wise. Honestly, I think the weak point of this is the way it was told. I think it would've been quite a bit better if it were told like a story, not an article or something. Make narratives around the depressing versions of these characters, get to know them as characters, and feel bad for them or afraid of them. As is, the story is alright and has some good ideas. But it could be much better.

So, what do you think? Is the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I would be killed though suicide, the authorities, or alcoholism? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.