Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5321651-20150125235547

Still can't think of a name for this damn thing xD.

Okay, so this is a pasta a wrote a couple of days ago. I put it up for "beta testing" on the workshop and I have altered its plot largely. I am still up for minor fixes and maybe a tweak to the plot, but I'm going to be keeping the plot as similar to what it is now as I can. Basically I just want some grammar, punctuation, spelling, all types of mistakes, including plot mistakes. So, without further ado:

Awake. It's dark. Why is it so dark? I look at my digital alarm clock. I can't see it, it's so dark. Why wasn't the time displaying? Maybe the power went out. For the whole street. Maybe that's why I can't see any of the street lights outside of my window. I can't even see my window. Wait, is that a car? Why would there be a car in this street? This tiny little avenue barely gets two cars driving through in the daytime, let alone the nighttime. It sounds like it's echoing... It's sure getting pretty loud. Wait, is that... What?! HOW?!... WHAT!?! I scream, but nothing comes out. I know I'm about to die. Why won't the car stop? "Stop!" I try to yell, but it's no use. Even if it didn't come out so raspy, the driver wouldn't have heard me. This is my death.

Official police report

At 8:00 am Australian Eastern Daylight Time, Sunday, 11 January, 2015, a bed, absolutely destroyed, was found in a road tunnel five kilometres north west of Melbourne. A 14 year old boy was found, bloody and unconscious, at the scene, over 25 kilometres from his house. Forensics estimate a car hit the bed travelling at 95 km/h at around 4:00 am. Boy has been taken to Alfred's hospital. He was identified as Bradley Smith, son of Mary and Jacob. Jacob claimed that when he went to bed at 2:00 am, Bradley was sound asleep. Police and local transport safety association viewed surveillance camera footage, but all that could be seen was red. A deep, dark red. No image, just an opaque dark red. Checking back 48 hours ago, all that could be seen was still red, even though workers claim that they checked the cameras on Friday and everything was as it normally should be. A check of the local power grid has inserted new information, as multiple wires have been cut, wires feeding electricity into the tunnel. Checking surveillance cameras, Police were unsurprised to find the very same dark shade of red instead of footage. With the only hard evidence being Bradley himself, Police attempted to interview him, but workers at the hospital claim Bradley is acting hysterically. After minor surgery on his ribs, Bradley was taken to the local mental institution. Once he is confirmed sane, Police will talk to him. Until then, case is officially closed.

12/1/15, 4:56 pm

New patient has been brought in. Bradley Smith. He is being placed on floor 5, section 3, room 18. He has come from Alfred's Hospital with multiple bruises and cuts to his head and abdomen, reportedly hit by a car. Doctors have tried communicating with him, but he is hysterically rocking back and forth, curled in a ball. Surveillance of his room has been set up due to his young age and he is now constantly monitored but staff.

13/1/15, 2:17 pm

At 4:00 am, Smith started screaming. A continuous, ear-shattering scream. A moderate dose of Diazepam calmed him down. He is now sitting on his bed staring toward the western wall, and has been doing so since 4:06 am when his dosage of Diazepam was given to him.

14/1/15, 10:34 am

Smith once again fell into fits of screaming at 4:00 am. A small dose of Promethazine was given with his Diazepam. He fell asleep and is still asleep now, at 10:34 am.

15/1/15, 4:19 pm

Smith is now in solitary confinement in padded cell #16. At 3:48 pm he picked up his 80 kg wooden bed and threw it through the western drywall of room 18, crashing it into the hallway. He is now on two small Hydroxyzine doses at 9:00 am and 10:00 pm.

16/1/15, 12:06 pm

It worked. Smith slept right through the night. He is now calmly sitting down and looks to be suffering from no aggravation.

17/1/15, 10:16 am

Things are getting worse. Smith was screaming even louder last night, at 4:00 am. He was also repeating the phrase “It won’t stop, it won’t stop!” Doctors have raised his dosage of Hydroxyzine and got him back on high dosages of Diazepam.

18/1/15, 3:18 pm It seems to have worked. Smith has calmed down considerably. At 4:00 am he woke up and loudly moaned, but only for a few seconds before he went back to sleep.

19/1/15, 9:07 pm When doctors came in to give Smith his medication, he attacked both of them, tackling them to the ground. Extra doctors were sent and they managed to inject him with Hydroxyzine. He fell asleep immediately. Dosage of Hydroxyzine was raised considerably at 10:00 pm injection and doctors are now required to wear protective gear near him.

20/1/15, 4:18 am

Things have gone horribly wrong. At 4:00 am, despite his high doses of medication, Smith started suffering from fits of screaming, much louder than before. Two doctors came in to inject him with more Hydroxyzine wearing their protective gear, when he still managed to tackle them to the ground. Security outside the cell to ensure protection of the doctors entered, when Smith jumped up, tackled both security staff and snapped their necks. With the doctors now helpless, Smith went over to the doctors and did the same. He then proceeded to eat the limbs of both security and doctors. Immediately extra security shot him with a mild tranquilliser gun, immobilising him for a few minutes. While he was asleep, he was laid on a bed and hooked up to a machine medically pumping strong sedatives into is system. For safety, he is being restrained in a straitjacket. Doctors are constantly monitoring his blood pressure, heartbeat and brain functions.

21/1/15, 3:02 pm Finally he is settling down. Last night at 4:00 am he didn’t even wake up. If everything goes well tonight, police will come to investigate him tomorrow.

22/1/15, 1:19 pm Police are arriving shortly. Smith is still under control. Everything will go as previously planned.

22/1/15, 1:23 pm

The power is out. Luckily the surveillance cameras are powered by a backup generator that kicks in whenever there’s a blackout. Unfortunately, the television screens the footage streams to aren’t.

22/1/15, 1:38 pm

Four doctors inside the hospital room Smith was being monitored in have been found dead, decapitated. But Smith is nowhere to be seen. With no windows and a locked door, he has disappeared. A review of the surveillance camera confirms multiple suspicions. Instead of footage, all that can be seen is a deep, dark, red.

Official police report

The case of Bradley Smith has been closed. Unknown deaths of four doctors and Bradley’s disappearance cannot be solved as the only security footage of the deaths is just the a dark coloured red, exactly like the tunnel surveillance cameras. It is unknown how Bradley Smith died. It is unknown how he and his bed appeared in a tunnel 25 kilometres from his house. It is unknown why he went insane. It is unknown how the power to the tunnel and mental institution was cut.

What happened to Bradley Smith over the duration of these past 13 days will forever remain a mystery.

So there it is. Open to minor suggestions and grammar/puntuation/spelling fixes. I don't mind if the feedback is quite strong/strict, as long as this pasta will eventually make it to the site. :D. Hope you enjoyed it, even if it might be full of mistakes. 