Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24169760-20190103201500/@comment-9041013-20190103225617

Your tenses are a mess. Your narration starts with a present voice and three words later, in the same sentence it turns into a past voice. How? The whole aspect of English needs a ton of work. Supper is English English, Dinner is American. Pease stick to one.

Your use of the phrase "everything was amaaazinnnng" is a bad attempt at distracting the readers from noticing how everything is about to go sideways, which happens shortly after. Don't do that.

Your consistency is none existant; one moment your lead has a hand gun, the next, he has a shotgun. What?

Monster gets shot, bullets don't work - Police show up, monster gets scared of their guns(?)

If phones do not work, it does not mean their owners have died... especially if the owners live together. They could've been in the earthquake in Alaska and had their house fall apart hence their innability to use their phones (maybe they were destroyed, maybe they had a stationary one and it was broken etc).

The monster seems like an amalgamation of the Smiling Man and Shadow people and Skinwalker type of monsters - It's not really original or scary.

Screaming "Fite me madderfakker" is stupid, especially if you come across this thing that is meant to be a mysterious and terrifying monstrosity. Ditch that too.

The action is too dry.

There are no details.

It's just lacking in the scary stuff that makes a good story tick.