Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-6822927-20190324172709/@comment-36627132-20190324183857

Spelling and Grammar Issues: "torture machines" "torture devices" would have worked better. "If we came back, we said they’d escaped somehow." don't you mean "if they came back", and if he was doing something to them wouldn't they have some kind of marks? "victim’s ghosts" should be "victims' ghosts". The text messages should be in quotation marks. Remember, when you are quoting anything, use quotation marks.

Spelling and Grammar Issues: "“When will you pick me up?" you forgot the second quotation mark. "that’s real’ good." what's with the apostrophe at the end of real?

Plot Issues: The main character seems unlikable due to his disrespect towards the elderly, he disrespectfully calls the old man by his first name, his disrespect towards his mother, and because the entire narration is sprinkled with pointless swear words. "'And end up rotting your teeth,' my mother answered." so this is the first Halloween she's ever resented? "We got Susie to come with us! Susie Erma Addison! The prettiest girl in school! Now’s your chance, man!" This feels like exposit dialogue.

Plot Issues Continued: "all I saw were two black specks where his pupils and irises should be." kind of cliche there. Ok, so there is stuff he doesn't want the main character to see, yet sends him to their location. Then he becomes some psychotic cartoon character. This story is actually starting to sound like another story I saw here on Writer's Workshop, with a child protagonist, taking place on a special day (in the other's case it was the main character's birthday) and dead people dining.

Plot Issues: Then we come to a confrontation with bullies which is reminiscent of Jeff the Killer, with a character named Randy to boot. Just like Jeff, the main character gets revenge on his bullies. This whole section feels phoned in, like at the last minute you decided you wanted to do another Jeff story.

Plot Issues: This story goes a bit too slow. It is crucial that the beginning of a story draws its readers in, and at the slow pace it goes it will probably bore most people. The whole thing goes at a gratingly slow pace that would might make your readers stop reading. Even after what is supposed to be the scary part the story still drags on.