Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26020030-20150303102728/@comment-25975226-20150303111242

Okay. There was one line that annoyed me.

"She's gonna regret this" - This line annoyed me because of the 'gonna'. It isn't specifically outlined as a thought, because there is no 'you think' after it, and nothing else you've written suggests an accent. I'm not sure how others would feel about it, but that's just me.

On to your story. Yeah, we kinda know by now that it isn't going to be the sister. Most of us aren't creepypasta virgins, and we know the classic twists. I really thought that you were going to do a different twist, and completely shock me. But no, this was just a same-old same-old twist.

Kudos goes to you though for writing it in second person and not completely butchering it up. I know that second person stories can only work on rare occasions, and this time I think it flowed nicely.

On the whole, I think that your writing is good, there are no spelling mistakes I can see as of now, and your prose is okay. The story flows well, but I think you need to change the ending. I think this story has loads of potential. You have descriptive writing under your belt, and you've managed to get this much of a story going so far.

You may want to either just change the twist ending to something more unique, or elongate it and make it more interesting that way. Either way, this story has potential. Don't let it die! :)