Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25114240-20140703214715/@comment-25558572-20140703225342

Okay, first of all, you have very sloppy grammar. You have numerous issues with capitalization (like 'kyla' needs a capital K), punctuation errors ('isnt' should be 'isn't') and sentence structure. The errors make it difficult to read and show me that you probably didn't take much time in writing this. Make sure you're using Microsoft Word so you can catch most of your errors.

And on to the story itself. The first paragraph is tediously boring and reads like a children's summary; there is nothing to engage the reader or build suspense. You can dispense with a lot of the story as a whole, actually, because the only thing that matters is the last paragraph. The scary element is ALWAYS the most important part of a creepypasta. You have to start the story from the end, not from the beginning, as you plan it.

I must tell you now that violence alone is not scary. You have to have a good reason for it to make it unnerving; so-called 'psychotic killers' are not scary in the slightest. Death, also, isn't scary anymore because people have become immune to it in a sense, no matter how brutally the character dies.

Also, please remember to never use all caps to represent excitement or fear.

Ultimately, I think you have a lot of practice to do. Dispense with this idea completely, it isn't impressive and unfortunately not scary. As a start, I reccomend reading tis site's Quality Standards, How to Write A Creepypasta and all the Writing Advice Blogs to help you out. If you want a further critique of any later works, let me know and I will get back to you.