Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180621195836/@comment-9041013-20180629101445

TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: I agree. Don't just straight up say that it's Mongolian music. It will certainly be a road bump. I should have looked them up, but it was a detail that got lost in the story for me. Also, thank you for clarifying the title. It makes much more sense now.

Just to name some early examples of odd story elements, in the first paragraph, three of the four sentences ended with 'my life' or something similar. It felt a bit repetitive, and can be easily corrected by changing up the language.

'Courtesy' is spelled incorrectly in the second paragraph, but that's super minor. The phrase 'Dare I call them nightmares?' Was especially striking, and it raises an issue that comes up a few times. It feels like the narrator is breaking the fourth wall (which is normal, since he's narrating to the reader), but in a cheeky way that doesn't feel like a person talking. A similar occurence comes up shortly after with the phrase 'Boy was it unpleasant!' When I read that line, I can't help but to thing of a middle age white dad from the 50's with a smile on his face and a pep in his step. It just strikes the ear wrong for the tone of the story.

Like I said, the majority of the issues can be easily fixed with a grammar and spelling sweep, and some varying language during certain portions that really emphasize a point. Nothing major, all just sort of technical stuff. Well I've revised that mongol thing to make it flow better into the story, and got rid of the flailing opener which was kind of bleh. I did some technical stuff too... what says you now?