Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20160803202244/@comment-27008899-20160805002225

Chapter 3

These lines are awkward: The Ascender only stopped at the second level of the facility onto a balcony. It gave view overhead the entire bay area. Consider revising: The Ascender only stopped at the second level of the facility onto a balcony, which proviede a view overhead of the entire bay area.

of a long walk-way instead that ran along the edges of the facility. Suggest: remove "instead".

the items were at its purest form Suggest: material was at its purest Or: items were at their purest

shattered glass, even the surrounding floor. Suggest: glass, as well as the surrounding floor.

Aloe was hopingshe was somewhere in the back inventorying the lot. “Hey sis?!” Suggest: Aloe hoped she was somewhere in the back inventorying the lot. “Hey sis?!" (Due to reduntancy of "was")

she sighed. Probably went to the latrine. - is this a thought or statement? Be sure to use '' or "" to clarify.

d the report not me,” she explained. “Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t want to string you up after seeing it. Grammar rule: the report not me,” she explained, “honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t want to string you up after seeing it. - (same subject with a minor pause)

It was disgusting, but no surprise though Suggest: It was disgusting, but it was no surprise

Faa obviously never got around to emptying the chamber out. Why didn’t she get Eri on it at the least? Suggest: got around to emptying out the chamber.

Chapter 3 overall - though you got a little lazy in wording and grammar, it is getting interesting. Chapter 4 soon to come.