Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26344151-20151123134114/@comment-26399604-20151201043227

Hi Raymond,

I apologize for the delay in response to your updates. I did not have access to my computer at the time with it being the holidays for me.

I read over your edits to the story and I must say it is a vast improvement to where it was initially. I can definitely tell there was definitely more "showing" than telling and added descriptions for moments in the story, and the differences greatly reflect.

With that said, there are still a few discrepancies to be noted. If I have not stated it before, I will now. Writing can be a long drawn-out process and truly is a work of Art. Doing so can require a number of edits beyond count to drive you nuts, and let's not forget it's helping dose of "the bitter pill" to swallow -- critique that is. It all pays out in the end, if you care enough. Reading your changes shows to me that you do indeed. Alright enough rambling...

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First, I wanted to point out small areas where you missed punctuations, capitalizations, etc. Corrections again will be noted in "[]":

+He didn’t care that much about nature[,] technology[, or] anything aside from drawing, really. Drawing was his life.

+He himself didn’t even know what he had drawn. Usually when he was daydreaming he drew something he knew, [but] this thing didn’t seem familiar to him.

+It was a human, he could definitely make that out. It appeared genderless, and from the looks of it, [its] skeleton was backwards, and [its] skin was inside out.

+He put it back upright and then held back a scream as he felt something [wrap] around his leg.

+He looked down and saw the drawing of the inverted creature. He frowned and tried to take it off, failing. He suddenly fell to his knees, holding on to his head as a massive headache quickly built up [.]

“You do remember me” the voice said. It was a high pitched, but still masculine sounding voice. [An] arm was now growing out of the hand, making an almost tree like sound.

+“You do remember me” the voice said. It was a high pitched, but still masculine sounding voice. an arm was now growing out of the hand, making [a sound] almost tree like sound.

+Todd shook his head wildly “No! I don’t remember you! Who are you?” [He] was currently trying to get the hand removed from his leg.

+Todd didn’t turn around[.] “Turn around if you want to live[,]” the voice said now, in a more annoyed tone.

+He heard the floor next to him creak, [then] the floor in front of him.

+He felt the creatures cold breath in his face, before hearing the window open, but not making any move to close it[.]

+ In the dark alley across the street, the creature from his drawing was looking up at Todd’s window[,] "[you remember me. You always remembered [,]” the creature turned around and shambled to the other side of the alleyway[,] “Everyone does[,] ” it said simply, before turning into a drawing again and flying away with the [wind].

In the future, I recommend copying this story or others you write into Microsoft Word or any similar programs to help catch a great deal of these easy-to-catch type of errors.

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Now that you have added these more descriptive elements to your story, I think it is time to move towards enhancing your word choices. They are several places in the story where you use the same type of wording. In writing, changing up the wording can help keep the reader entertained and drawn into your story.

To understand that, you need to get in the mind state of using alternate words instead commonly used ones. A great tool for this method is a Thesaurus (you can use MS Word's built-in version or the online one, thesaurus.com). Once you start thinking this way, it will start to reflect in your writing.

The best method I use when writing (and reading) is to read the story out loud. You can catch so much more versus reading it in your mind since the brain has the tendency to plug-in words that are not there. Also, you can truly feel the flow of your story when you do so.

Below, I provided an example of using alternate words:

ORIGINAL: He wasn’t daydreaming, he just didn’t know what to draw, so he drew something random. He started with a head. It was a bit less round than most human heads. More like, octagonal. He then drew a torso, rectangular in shape. He continued like this for a while until he felt satisfied. The figure he had drawn was completely made out of blocky shapes like rectangles, triangles and octagons. It was quite a strange thing to see. Todd tossed the paper to the side and started drawing something different. While drawing, he began to daydream, and started drawing randomly again. After about 15 minutes, he snapped out of his daydream and looked at his drawing.

+ALTERATION:

He wasn’t daydreaming, although he had no idea what he was going to create, so he simply began to draw something random. He started with a head. It was a bit less round than most human heads, more like, octagonal. Next, He drew a torso, rectangular in shape. He continued like this for a while until he felt satisfied. The figure's design encompassed mainly blocky shapes -- like rectangles, triangles and octagons. It was quite a strange thing to see. Todd slid the drawing away and began constructing something new. While he did so, his mind began to drift, and again his hand began to construct something randomly. After about 15 minutes, he snapped out of his trance and glanced down at his illustration.

This is not to insult you or badger your writing, but simply introduce you to the method of using alternate words. You will notice this reflects in about everyone's writing. I'm not saying to change up your style, but simply expand your word choice.

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Overall, those are the main points I wanted to address -- For easier capture of grammatical errors, use MS Word's Spell Check or other similar programs. Run through the story again and try to find areas where you can enhance or reword, the best method is by reading out loud and using a Thesaurus.

Again, please do not take my pointers as a means to badger or demean you. I want to be sure that receive true constructive criticism since you requested it. Writing can be a long process with 'rinse and repeat' edits making up the main portion of it all.

I will say that the edits you made from your original post greatly reflect upon it. This is a strong step to making this an enjoyable Pasta that meets this Wiki's standards.

Keep at it and let me know if you would like me to clarify anything.

NOTE: For the future, just paste your revisions at the top over the original story instead down in the comments. You can just change the title to something like: "The Inverted (2nd Draft)" or something like that. Happy Writing :)