Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25362675-20150124170646/@comment-24281984-20150124181614

I can't give much feedback if this is only the first paragraph of a story. I'd reccomend editing this and putting in a lot more material for reviewers to work with, but I'll say what I can about what you have here.

I know it might be tempting to do so, but you should never use an ellipsis (...) at the end of a sentence unless it's a line of dialogue. It doesn't scare the reader when the narrator is stumbling over words, especially not since this pasta is told in second person point of view.

Okay, blood is a bit of a cliche and not really a scary element. Even if some character is wounded or dead this early on in a story, your readers won't care enough about them to feel fear yet. Scary things need some sort of build-up in almost all cases.

I really think this would be better in third person point of view. It would be difficult to make a longer story in second person because it really limits what you can do with your words. In third person you have the freedom to describe more of the enviornment and your characters as you move the plot along, making for a generally more immersive story.

This is all more general advice than anything else, I know, but I really can't help much with your story other than advise you to post more when more is done.

Hope this was helpful!