Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44861696-20200128180701/@comment-9041013-20200129010017

This reads like an introductory paragraph more than anything. It isn't a story, it's an exposition at best. A lot of things are simply told as a matter-a-fact'y as can be. You're just coming off as trying to establish the basics for the reader. "There was A, A made B and C, B and C were supposed to do D-E-F, something went wrong, blah blah blah"

If this was included in a larger story, for example someone dealing with an impending apocalypse discovering an old stone slab with the text you've posted here, that would've worked. The way it is now it reads like one of those biblical stories that are completely crazy to the modern reader but can be excused with "the author didn't know any better."

It's isn't really that good as that either; I mean, humans didn't create fire. It's a result of natural chemistry and physics. Also fire isn't evil.

Dreaming and all that having to do with a primordial state is kinda cool, but that's about it. Explain why dreaming is related to the primordial state of being, or not being... uhhh... sort of a philosophical perfection blended with nothingness I guess. You can do a lot of this, but it needs more, more than this weird introductory thingy.

If you were trying to go for a lovecraftian thing here, it didn't work; Lovecraft worked with fear of the unknown and fear of the different and he was an anxious creature. He drew from his own irrational fears and put them into horror magnificence. Think horrifyingly abstract, in a way. I know it's vague, but that's the best I can give you at the moment.

Do some explaining too, why are things the way they are. Like why dream and nightmare, why fire is bad etc.

Also, the foundation reference is just... Ugh... Throw it out.