Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160729155428/@comment-25569708-20160811035307

Just read the new Fatso, here are some errors I found:

"“I know,” Andrew paused." This character error is still present; "Andrew" should be "Ian" here.

"It’s not a real person it’s just a machine that imitates a person."

"dinner once or twice” Ian asked."

Now here are some things I am unsure of for various reasons:

When Ian asks the woman if she brought him along to protect her, she answers "“Yes… Well… Something like that." I don't really like this line as it basically predicts that the woman is going to betray Ian somehow, due to her apprehension. I think she could give a different answer here that doesn't partially reveal her shady intentions to the reader.

"“Beware the Fatso.”" Does this graffitied writing actually contain the period at the end in the message itself? If you don't intend it to, then it should instead read: “Beware the Fatso”.

"some worm, or slug-monster a few years back". I don't know how I feel about you partially revealing the description of Annabelle; her appearance is described so well and is so interesting and shocking that I feel you should save it until the end to reveal any information. Perhaps you could go a little more vague in this line (some huge monster/some huge thing). Just my view.

So all in all I thought this new version was pretty great. Not only did you explain why Andrew was with the woman, but you effectively streamlined their search a little bit and improved the well scene. And my god, I can't get over the description of Annabelle ("the warped, and plump rotting face of a woman embedded in a plum shaped wall of veiny flesh that expanded to fill the void. The skin that surrounded the little face was distended and coated in crusted puss and layered with unending boils and filth"). I mean... fuck man. The entire thing seems to be cleaned up a little more and better described in places. It was also cool to hear about Andrew's curse troubles. And the "sexual attraction to cats and dogs"? I just... jeez. Needless to say, that was a good touch. Also, the witch company was explained better and I could get a sense of how/why they operated and why Ian was recruited to "help" the woman. Their wanting to help Annabelle was implied with the "sending their recruits (specifically Andrew) to inquire about other witches as payment" thing, but I feel that maybe one more reference to Annabelle being "one" of the witch company (specifically) would be good. So in short, my confusion has basically been cleared up. Hope this helped, nice job here as usual.