Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31308655-20170617020310/@comment-24101790-20170617022902

Starting with the basics, the story you originally posted was all in one paragraph and has a number of mechanical and story issues (which will be outlined below).

Tense shifting: You have a tendency to shift from past tense ("The sound has followed you there.") to present tense ("It leaps on you, and another piercing shriek fills the air.") throughout the story. I suggest keeping to one tense as it helps maintain consistency in the story and improve flow.

Punctuation: ""Mom, Dad, can you check under my bed? I heard something." for comfort." Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "This time its (it's) you.", "You grow dizzy, and want to let go. The laugh now feels like its (it's) taunting you", "A slow, deep laugh erupts from the back of your head, expanding until its (it's) all you can hear.", "Let the rope slip through your fingers, but its (it's) his job to make you do that", etc.

Story issues: A lot of your wording feels at odds with the story. Reading it aloud, it feels a bit out of place and clunky for the story. "You hear a screeching sound. You back down from the steps, adrenaline and and cortisol coursing your body, aiding your preparations for escape.", "Newfound strength and hormones fill inside of you; your body's almost certain reaction to the stress you are facing.", "You begin to bang on the wall with all your strength, bashing and crashing against it with inhumane strength.", etc.

Story issues cont.: The second person perspective doesn't really work here. Your story infers a lot about the protagonist, but the 2nd person perspective does require the audience to place themselves in the role so lines like: "The fluid mass is now slithering around inside of you, trying to escape to your core; where it will make you into a bloodthirsty killer." and " The monster within was the darkness you felt washing over you, the empty chasm that once had consumed you, the mass you saw, tangible darkness waiting to fill your heart, until you were purified of it." feel contradictory to the method of storytelling and like you're spoon-feeding the goal to the audience.

Story issues end: A lot of the story feels like it would be better as a character study rather than a second person perspective as it infers a lot about the audience and tends to break immersion. Lines like: "Indeed, you are a figment of imagination too." also tend to come across as trying to shoe-horn your concept into the story and ends up being more of telling the audience rather than showing them and letting them come to their own conclusions.