Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190515084101/@comment-26475800-20190525191554

This is better than the first draft, and maybe a little scarier, but it's still just a dystopian. That being said, I do like it.

I think you need to reread what Alexa says, because it seems like there are some missing words or typos there. But that was the only real grammar issues I found.

I don't like the idea of big brother watching us, but that is pretty realistic, and is kind of scary. When I say I don't like it, I'm talking about real life, not in the story, it fits perfect in the story.

I would, however, have those devices reach deep into other countries. And to make it scarier, I'd have the state catch him again and bring him back for his brainwashing, only to have the nukes go off then. An all powerful government is horrifying, and we have been moving in that direction for some time now. Both sides are guilty of adding more bullshit like that, and it will be hard to stop it.

Another thing that I really liked was that people were going to Mexico for safety. It's great.

If you're going to keep him in Chilli, have the shadows of the people by the blasts sites imprinted of the concrete. That is something that really happens, and it lasts for years. It's a creepy reminder of the horrors of nuclear blasts.

You're getting closer, and with the topic you're trying to make work with the word count, you're a little disadvantage. It will be hard to get all the emotions into such a story, but there can be things that are cut to do so, I just wouldn't try it. This seems like it may be better to make it longer by adding the emotions and thoughts, but that's just my opinion.