Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-12339030-20141116170329/@comment-4519961-20141116172650

-The first sentence which is you finding a journal needs some expansion to at least a paragraph. Maybe where it was found, what it looked like, if anything was on it, and any descriptions like if a man was named or not. Also, because you have two different narrators in the story (You) and (The guy who wrote the journal) you need to seperate the Journal writer's perspective by having his entrees italicized ''like so. ''

-The journals entrees need a date, or the narrator needs to present a range of which the entrees were written. So rather something like "October 4th, 1987" or "The journals were dated accordingly through October 4th before abruptly ending on October 17th" or likewise.

-It seems kinda off that someone so interested in mining wouldn't realize how much work is required. If this takes place in older times then he couldve worked at a mine for a while to get a taste of it. If it was more modern times he could easily research what amount of work went into the field. Now if you were trying to play off the character as a fool who didnt let reality mix with his dreams, which would lead to hid downfall then that could work.

-Clay isnt ancient, now if it was lets say a piece of what looks like pottery with drawings or something like that then it would be more realistic.

-Also, it would help if you had longer entrees, it seems weird to just have a guy write one sentence entrees.

-On the few days he writes "help" is pretty stupid. Who is he saying help to? Its not like hes sending a text and he is clearly holding onto the journal for himself. So no one but him is going to see he needs help.

-The flowing of words in day 7 along with some other days are pretty choppy. Also some stronger linking works for structure would work better. Try fleshing them out with different words until you can make a good flow.

-On day 11, crap would be a weird word to include. If it was in older times, no one really said that word. And if it was in modern times the word "Shit" or "damn it" would probably fit the character better. Though I am going to assume this was older times since your character referred to some people as "hooligans" which would mean you need to go with the latter and find a different word.

-The last few days are all realyl stupid like I said before. One sentence things are really bad especially since this is a character and not a robot's command prompt. Maybe he just writes about what is going on and how he feels like he is going crazy.

-Do not have a "look behind you ending. Your story would be deleted ASAP if it was to be posted on the wiki. You need to rework the entire ending to avoid one of the most annoying and lest terrifying endigns in a story. Im sitting by a wall. Nothing is behind me, you see how flawed that is? It also doesn't help that your story wasn't scary enough to fool anyone into looking behind them.