Talk:Umbra/@comment-24040907-20141126003200

You had mentioned to me that you are considering trimming the descriptions of your characters in this story. I disagree. Part of what makes your stories so lively and entertaining is the stoic, in depth description of characters. There seems to be a lot of inspiration behind them, almost as if they are based around people you know or knew.



I can understand wanting to trim off bits and pieces, especially if you start shoving entire biographies into tense moments of story. To me, however, the amount of character background in this story is balanced. When Hailey recognizes the house and Chelsea, it makes sense that her thoughts would travel to her experiences with the girl. You’ve given the audience just enough information so that we get the general idea of who Chelsea is, before you utterly murder her.



The exposition you slipped in, detailing the protagonist, was skillful, although it stuck out to me. Describing protagonists can be difficult, because on one hand, we think “Oh, let’s just devote a paragraph to what this girl looks like,” while others decide to sprinkle details throughout the story at choice moments, “She’s looking at the TV, quickly describe her eyes!” without slowing the pace too much.



If it were me writing the story, I would exclude the detail on ‘’just’’ the protagonist. From what you’ve given us we can determine that she’s a young horror writer, and that makes her relatable enough for me.



That reference to Curtisville? Very nice. That was just subtle enough that I got a kick out of it, without putting a drag on the uninitiated audience.



In the end, I thought it was pretty creepy, and also appropriate for the Holiday season. I read it while listening to Treyarch’s “Damned”, so that was pretty fun.



I’d rate it at a 7.8/10.



P.S. The image you used in this pasta is from another reputatous pasta entitled Channel Infinity. You may wish to consider using another image instead.

Concerning Grammar, I found nothing notable except the use of the word "puzzlement" which, while not incorrect, is kind of an eyesore. I really liked the use of "Majorly-Bizarro"