Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29270351-20160610104449/@comment-28266772-20160611224641

"She saw a  "naked, anorexic, woman with black corneas and white hair, and skin so stretched you could see the bones.", Lauren described" -> You should drop the 'she saw' part.

" A nurse tried to sedate her, and Cadell ended a life by biting the said nurse's head, losing parts of the brain" -> there's still some issues with sentence structure here. You rely on the idefinite article 'a' too much, when you should instead use more definitive words like 'her life' and 'her brain' so we know exactly who's dying.

" Lauren figured that if she would kill the patient" -> this still doesn't sound quite right. You could say " Lauren figured that if she killed the patient" or " Lauren figured that if she could kill the patient"

" that forced the other" should be 'and' instead of 'that'.

"   with blood with red-orange vomit." -> should be 'and' in place of the second 'with'.

So you made a lot of improvements. I think I'd appreciate the input of someone else on the site now, as I still can't say if it'd be up to quality standards if you implemented my recommendations, because I'm not an admin and ultimately it's up to them. My main concern is that the story is still quite cliched, and the addition of the glasgow grin at the end doesn't necessarily help. And while I can offer detailed assistance with the more mechanical problems i.e. grammar, sentence structure, I can't really recommend any story changes because it's your story, and I'd just be backseat writing. Still you made a lot of improvements with the sentence structure and grammar.

I think this is where I'd really appreciate some input from someone else on the forum, preferably an admin. You could maybe ask one to offer their thoughts? Still, no matter what happens with this story you've made a lot of improvements, and you can always take what you've learnt forward when writing a new story.