Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30600352-20161125233635/@comment-26475800-20161126001328

Here are more things that you can fix.

Because it was an obby (obstacle course) the person started saying that the game we are playing now, is real is real life. i have the exact words.

"is real is real life." This should only have one is real, not to mention this doesn't make any sense, because what you had the guy say doesn't really say that at all.

"When me and my friend was playing on a gaming website," this is a reoccurring theme going on here. It should be my friend and me.

"'Anybody else wants to complain?'" What? Who is saying this? What does this mean? All of the quotes don't explain who is saying it, so it's really hard to keep up with who's talking.

"we didn't know what to do, i alt tabbed out of the server and i called the police on my phone," why would you do this if you thought it was a troll?

"until there was 5 of us." Spell out numbers.

"i slightly scared because i didn't know what would happen if i didn't play the obby, and it was probably someone trying to scare us."

You're missing words, or I'm assuming you are. Proper nouns need to be capitalized, and this is so confusing.

I'm going to stop there, this entire thing needs to be edited, and I don't have the time or willingness to do that. But it gives you an idea of what you need to look for. First, fix your proper nouns. Give some names too, that would make it a lot easier to read. Identify who is talking. Fix all the numbers and have them be spelt out. Read this story and find anything that someone may not know about, like the game itself, and flesh it out more. Give us something to care about, because right now, no one knows or cares about anything that is going on.

There is a ton of things wrong with this, I only highlighted a small number of them, but each of those things I mentioned above are done more than once. If you want your story posted, you will need to fix all of those things, and see if you could post it. You have cliches throughout this story, and the subject is blacklisted anyway, so I don't think you'll be able to get it posted. But I would like to see this story be edited and see how well you do with it.

Good luck.