Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20180430095534/@comment-5733573-20180502025451

Hey! Thanks for reaching out and telling me about this story. I have some thoughts about it.

There's a lot that I like here. Personally, I love a good tragedy and this provides that strong, tragic kick in the gut, so nice work on that.

Where I feel this needs development is in the progression of the plot. There doesn't really seem to be any reason, at least for me, my Benjamin would see what he saw and jump immediately to the most outlandish conclusion without any steps in between. If you want it to be believable that Benjamin could be right and his fear could be warranted (which I hope you do, because the story wouldn't be worth the time otherwise), then there needs to be something far more to what he witnesses, along with some ambiguous, but plausible interactions with the people he's spied on following that initial discovery. Maybe it's a spooky interaction with the crossing guard where she says something innocent but terrifying to Benjamin, or something like that. Try experimenting with a couple of those. Benjamin needs to be plausibly and gradually worked up into a frenzy. It will be much more believable and enjoyable that going from zero to sixty over comparatively nothing.

Another issue, which is an easier fix once the plot is developed more, is that the voice is inconsistent. Benjamin is a child, and yet much of this sounds like an adult wrote it. Similarly, there are places where it almost wants to be humorous, which takes away from the dire and desperate tone of the rest of the story.

Finally, there are some descriptors you use that make your sentences a little bit awkward. Here's an example: "The roulette wheel like clatter." At the very least, this and other invented adjectives like it need to be hyphenated, but honestly, you might be better off finding a clearer and simpler way to say things.

Apart from those issues, which I've addressed in order from most to least important, I think this is a really cool story that draws its horror from the deeply crushing irony of the situation you've created. It's definitely not bad and has the potential to be even better! Thanks for drawing my attention to it!