Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26286557-20160722030043/@comment-28266772-20160801140944

'[okay so straight off this is an improvement, so that means I’m going to be more in-depth in the suggestions I offer. If any of them are not clear, just ask]'

In the midst of the darkness, I concentrated on the figure, who was staring at me from the other side of the room. '[So straight off this is a passive sentence. See below for a more in-depth explanation of these, but the gist of it is the wording is awkward. Furthermore, the third clause (who was staring etc.) is tacked on in a weird way so it doesn’t feel right. I’ll go into more detail below on sentence structure.] It's [its] 'haunting, nightmarish gazes gave me the impression that it knew exactly what I was thinking.

Even though it looked human [these are two separate clauses; you either need a semicolon (not recommended) or a conjunction like ‘but’] something about it, something I couldn't figure out, doesn't [didn’t] seem to be '[it’s very important to keep a consistent tense. It’s a common tactic amongst creepypastas to be written in the present (I am scared) tense, or the conditional tense (I could/would/should be scared) but they are best saved for dialogue and oral stories that reflect normal relaxed speech. Unless your story absolutely needs to be read in that tone it is almost always 100% best to just stick to the past tense (I was scared)]'. Its face seems [seemed] so expressionless. It was observing me like I did something wrong, something unforgivable, [separate clauses need something to join them] staring at me with a bitter grudge.

I slowly reached my hand up toward the switch, as [while] I continued to stare back at it. But once I reached it, the lights refused to turn on. I kept on trying but it just refused to switch on [repetitive – maybe say ‘but nothing happened’ or something like that]. As I panicked, the figure just continued to stare at me. I reached for the door, which was still wide open. But once I touched the door knob, the door slammed shut in furious rage, creating some '[some/seem/almost/nearly/mostly etc. – in psychology we call this distancing language. In writing we call it filler. Most of the time a sentence will benefit from words like these being stripped out]' small cracks around the door frame.

Without hesitation, I grabbed onto a flashlight, [and attempted] attempting to shine it at the figure. But once I turned around, it wasn't there. The chair didn't have a single mark on it to indicate that something [had] sat on it. It was like it never existed. Then, as I turned to my left, something caught my eye. There was something dangling above my bed, something that looked like leather.

I shined [shone] my light on what was dangling, which turned out to be a bit '[bit? I think I’m missing something here]'. As I slowly navigate [navigated is a bit over-the-top – I think there’s an easier way to say this] down the belt, I started to see a figure, hanging with [from] the belt. When I shined [shone] the light on the figure's face, I was breathless. I couldn't believe it. It was me, hanging from the ceiling. Well, at least something that looked like me. '[<- Okay so once again this language is unsure, informal and distancing. I’d get rid of the last sentence altogether]. '

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So overall:

1) Grammatical errors etc. need to be addressed with a proof read. A few here and there are perfectly fine—we’re all human—but for such a short story there should be barely any. The biggest problem is your changing tense. You need to stay in the present, or past, but not both.

2) Stylistic issues – so you put more effort into creating some tension, but now you could use some atmosphere and mood. Use descriptive and imaginative language to create a sense of place and offer your reader more than just an outline of the character’s actions. Also try to avoid filler words. They slow down the flow.

3) Sentence structure – So this is the biggie. I’ll review your first sentence as it contains both clause errors and passivity. But first some definitions – a sentence is composed of a noun and a verb, but usually contains two nouns. One noun is the subject, the other is the object.

Example

Sentence – Billy (Subject) pushed (Action) Annie (Object).

An active sentence puts the subject front and centre, while a passive sentence puts the object front and centre.

e.g.

Annie was pushed by Billy. - passive

<p class="MsoNormal">Billy pushed Annie. – active

<p class="MsoNormal">In writing it’s considered a bad convention to write passively. Again, there are measured exceptions where this is not so, but most of the time a sentence—in order to remain clear and concise—should put the subject first when describing action.

<p class="MsoNormal">“In the midst of the darkness, I concentrated on the figure, who was staring at me from the other side of the room.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s try rewriting that to be active…

<p class="MsoNormal">I concentrated on the figure [first clause] who was staring at me from the other side of the room [second clause] in the midst of the darkness [final, dependent, clause] -> The order is simpler and easier to read. It’s a hard thing to keep in mind but try to bear in mind the passivity of your writing and keep an eye out for when it’s used in real life. It has a surprisingly large effect on how people interpret and read a sentence.

<p class="MsoNormal">Next and final point relates to plot. Basically I still think you come up a bit short on the shock factor. The shorter the stories the fewer moving parts it should have. I don’t think you should split the attention between the ‘observer’ and the dangling noose/belt. The observer is the focus and is used to build up tension, but is unrelated to the climax in any real way.

<p class="MsoNormal">On a final note your pacing is strong, and you build a much clearer sequence of events in this story. Don't take my excessive notes as a sign you haven't made progress because you have. It's always great to see someone come back with a second draft, it shows a lot of commitment and that's pretty much the main ingredient in writing.