Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29454058-20160805085241/@comment-24101790-20160806000433

Nico-Wonderdust wrote: Bandit King Jack wrote: That's actually a pretty big problem. The site doesn't allow spinoffs, which your story technically could be.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Spinoffs Ah crap, really?! I'll get in ouch with an admin in about 5 or so mins, ask someone to review it and if, in this falls under that catagory ask them to delete it, just need to copy and paste it onto my computer with the feedback so I can make changes and post it somewhere it's allowed (-:

As it features Mr. Bear, which does come off like you're using 1999 as a source, it does technically contradict our spinoff rules and would require a Spinoff Appeal. As for the story itself, as Bandit King Jack already discussed a lot of the story issues, I'll point out the mechanical issues and advise you to read their analysis. Unfortunately there are quite a lot of issues here.

Punctuation: You forget to punctuate a lot of sentences properly. "Anyway, that night it was around 8:00pm and we were just finishing up eating around the dining room table when Anthony asked his father if he could go watch TV,(should be a period)", ""But dad.." Anthony started saying when his father interrupted", "The door began to unlock, the sound of bolt after bolt clicking as the the man in the bear costume unlocked them one by one, the door swung open and he flew at me, picking me up by my throat and slamming me into the wall(period missing)", etc. There are a lot of other examples here of this.

Punctuation cont.: Punctuation missing from dialogue. ""Bad kids don't eat all their greens(comma missing)" he (sic) father replied,", ""Ahem" his father cleared his throat "Bad kids don't have manners" he said sternly,", "Bad kids don't eat their food", "I.. I'm not a bad kid.. But I'm not eating that" I said., etc. Dialogue needs proper punctuation.

Capitalization: "we (we) both left the table just in time to catch the end of some TV show Anthony was obsessed with", ""5.. (Five) 4.. (four) 3.. (three) 2.. (two) 1.. (one) 9pm, time for sleep"", "I didn't know where it led but I didn't care, All (all) I knew is I had to get out,", etc. I would suggest looking over the story to make sure you're capitalizing sentences properly, capitalizing dialogue correctly, and not randomly capitalizing words in the middle of sentences that shouldn't be capitalized.

Wording issues: "I was understandably confused by this and he peaked (piqued) my curiosity", "The screaming continued for 4 solid minute (minutes) before another kid started to scream too", "I didn't know where it led but I didn't care, All I knew is I had to get out, I began pulling and scratching at the vent but nothing worked, I decided to crawl out from under the bed grabbing the largest of all the small bones scattered about the room to try and jam them behind the vent to break it off, after 4 or 5 attempts and 3 of the bones breaking into small fragments, the vent came loose and I wasted no time climbing in"

Run on sentences: "The screaming continued for 4 solid minute before another kid started to scream too, and now the smell of smoke was pouring into my room, I jumped up and looked through the keyhole, there were piles of burning wooden furniture stacked up against the back wall of the building and into the open doors where I assume the other children were, I never wanted to get out of this room as much as I did right now, but maybe I was safer in here?", "I must have been stuck in that God forsaken place for days, no food, no water, nothing, just the sound of silence and the rotten stench of excrement and smoke still lingering in the air, the loneliness was driving me insane, and then, there it was, that unmistakable sound of shuffling outside my door, I dived into the vent holding it closed behind me, on the other side of the vent was the sound of somebody forcefully breaking the locks, was it him?", etc. I would suggest reading the story aloud and breaking overly wordy/complex sentences down.

Spelling: "Connor shouted in exitement, (excitement)" " he disappeared (disappeared) out of sight for a split second and then,", etc. I would suggest using a word document to look for other instances of typos and misspellings. I'm sorry, but even with the mechanical issues fixed, I see this story having a lot of issues in the appeal process as the story feels more like it's relying on name-dropping Mr. Bear than telling an actually involving story. Looking at his mannerisms and characterization in 1999 and comparing it here, it feels like two different characters all together which results in quite a bit of dissonance. If you intend to go through with the appeal process, I would strongly advise re-writing this from the ground up as there are a lot of issues here.