User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Superman: No More Heroes

I'm really not a big fan of Superman. I don't know why, he just never really appealed to me. Too much of a goody two shoes, I guess. Anyway, that being said, I don't hate Superman (unlike, say, Frank Miller), and I'm aware he's got a lot of fans. Like the writer of the Creepypasta I'm going to be Riffing: "Superman: No More Heroes."

This story surprises me, to be honest. The Creepypasta Wiki has tried weeding out the less than adequate stories, yet this one is still on here, surprisingly. Now, it's not as bad as, say, "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?", but it's still not very good. Anyway, now that that's all out of the way, let's get out our neck braces, and Riff this bitch.

We've all heard stories about haunted video-games, "lost episodes" of beloved cartoons or TV shows. We’re all looking at you here, “Squidward’s Sucide.” But there has always been a medium that until recently seems to have been immune to such tales, the humble comic book. “Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?” feels very insulted.

Now before you ask, I don't for one second believe that there is a massive conspiracy or some hidden reason for the event I am about the share with you ''Aw, come on. I got my tin foil hat ready and everything.'' - I think what happened was an example of something that has no reason, no grand scheme.. it simply happened.. So, in other words, you’re too lazy to think up an explanation. I hope it never happens again..

So, what happened? “Well, I became an alcoholic.” I'll tell you - I am a collector of DC comics and as such I have always had a soft spot for Superman, Superman: Man of Neck-Snapping anyone who is into comics knows that some titles go into dark and disturbing imagery so when strange or gruesome things occur most rightfully dismiss it as part of the story. I dismiss it as the 90s.

This was how I first reacted when I got my hands on what I believed to be a new Superman title named "No Heroes" - the cover was completely black and the Superman logo was broken and decayed looking, again I thought this was all part of the story. ''Unless the comic is Watchmen, very few covers actually tie into the story of the comics. And also, this is totally not based off of “The Death of Superman” cover in the least.''

I had already flipped through a few pages before purchasing and to my surprise it was a fairly standard Superman book so I bought it without much thought.

Taking it home with me I sat down and began to read the comic in more detail, as soon as I opened it I was greeted with artwork that was drastically different from what I had seen at a glance in the store - everything had a red tint to it and the characters were all angry and battered looking. This is why we don’t let Rob Liefeld draw Superman.

Superman especially looked extremely menacing and as I read the text appearing on the speech bubbles I admit I was pretty shocked - this was not marked as a mature title and DC had until fairly recently been pretty uptight about how Superman was and was not to be portrayed, Being portrayed as a guy who snaps necks is A-Okay for Superman making what I read pretty confusing to say the least:

"Heroes aren't real. It's all fake. Everything's a fucking lie." Not just any lie, but a fucking lie!

"People aren't going to save you, they'll watch you bleed. You deserve to die." Are my Riffs bad enough that I deserve death?

"Life is a fatal disease which slowly eats us away. You're not perfect. You're no hero..". Is that a challenge?

''Oh, it’s Superboy Prime. Lovely.''

Again and again I read these dark, mysterious lines - it wasn't unusual for dramatic works such as comics to add moments like this but as I continued to read I couldn't help but feel this was very off for a Superman book. ''Yes, it’s not unusual in the least that a dramatic work is being emo. Totally normal.'' Not a single word of encouragement or hope was to be found. Our titular "hero" just kept silent as everyone around him spewed forth messages of hate and despair. ''Some of these messages include: “By God, I just saw Superman 4! I want to die!” and “Things were better on my Earth!”''

The artwork grew increasingly disturbing which each new page until eventually I began to question if this was some kind of joke ''Why do characters in Creepypasta stories involving lost…whatever always think that it’s some kind of joke. Do they know how jokes work?'' - Superman walked down the streets of Metropolis and observed the rotting bodies of many heroes and villains from comic books, to my surprise some of the characters were not even DC owned. Well, Marvel is going to be pissed.

After a while the story grew violent as Superman began to destroy what was left of Metropolis, the destruction more graphic that normal - even in the more "extreme" editions of the comic. Man of Steel: The comic.

Soon Metropolis was destroyed and a two-page panel depicted the carnage, bodies laying on the street - what looked like children impaled on spikes formed by debris and figures hanging lifelessly from nooses tied to street lamps and sign posts. Oh, look, Countdown. Finally the comic ended with a full panel page of Superman, staring directly ahead as if looking to the reader, a speech bubble prominently stating: "For years you watched us suffer. Now it's your turn, hero.". ''Um, you’re Superman, not Spider-Man. You don’t suffer very much. Also, Superman, breaking the fourth wall is Deadpool’s thing.''

I didn't quite understand what that meant and at the time I was still a bit disturbed by the whole comic so promptly put the thing away and never gave it a second glance. After such a horrid comic I decided I needed a change of pace so got out one of my old Batman comics, the old and goofy version of the Dark Knight most people hate but I (somewhat ashamedly) have always rather enjoyed. ''Why do a lot of people hate the Silver Age? Sure, it was weird, but you can’t hate it. There was a Batman comic during that time in which the characters said the word "boner" a lot without any shame. How can you hate that?''

I read the comic, it's old humor and camp-style a refreshing difference from the horrors and misery of "No Heroes" - this was how I always remembered classic DC, fun and enjoyable. “Then the New 52 came around and stripped every bit of fun from the comics.”

I got halfway through the comic and had just opened a new page when my eyes grew wide with shock - I almost dropped the comic as I saw to my utter disbelief a full-page panel of Superman, in that disturbing art-style and staring once more from the comic page, the prominent speech bubble stating: "You don't get to be happy, hero." “You’ll always have to read this crappy comic.”

After reading this pasta, I wish I knew Linkara, because if there was ever a Riff to do with him, it'd be on this. That being said, I'm going to quote him when I say, "This comic sucks!" Well, ok, in all defense, this pasta isn't terrible. It's just kind of stupid. It's unnecessarily dark and gloomy, but in the end you really don't feel depressed or scared. But is this as bad as "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?" No, not really. That all being said, I do have one question about these comic pastas: why do the pictures they have on them never feature the cover? Seriously, there was a picture with this pasta, but it's just some red tinted one. I personally would like to see the cover, but whatever.

So, what do you think? Was this pasta good? Bad? Do you wish my neck would be snapped by Superman? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.