Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29165876-20160725164132/@comment-26525489-20160725204246

I would advise you to do a little more research into grammar, because there are a LOT of mistakes through here that really get in the way of the story.

Before I cover any of those, let me say that this has potential to be a good story. I wouldn't be taking the time to help you if it didn't have at least some merit. I like the idea and I like the build you have so far. Even though it's really not creepy as is, you could pretty easily rectify that by making the intro read a little more smoothly and beefing up the last scene a little more.

I'll start with some grammatical errors before I delve into concept problems.

1) As stated previously, tense errors are huge for you. There are tense issues almost every paragraph. If you want to tell the story as though it is currently happening, that is fine, just make sure to be consistent with present tense. I think what might help you with this (and a few other errors) is to decide who is telling this story and to whom. Are you talking to one friend? Telling this story to a group of friends? Writing in a journal? Answering questions in an interview? You don't have to necessarily tell the reader, but I think it will help you to clear up some tense issues as well as several times when you address the reader inconsistently. I think you have a good start here, but once you figure out some of the tense issues, your voice as a writer will come through much more clearly.

2) A lot of your sentence structure is based on the way one speaks, which is great for developing voice. However, you rely heavily on splitting things up between several sentences:

''“Yeah?” I reply, looking up to her. “If Ka-san does approve, will you become and adventure with me?”she asks. I think for a moment. Me, an adventurer? It's sounds cool, and there is an awful lot to see in the world. Could be fun, and I don't have anything planned ''

Or:

''“Then what do you want to be?” she asks me, looking at me with her bright blue eyes, cocking her head to the side. I stared for at her for a moment. It was kind of hard not to. Especially when she looks at you like that. Considering she always has that small strand of her long and smooth black hair falling in her face. It's really one of the reasons I find it hard to take her seriously. ''

You also have a tendency to tack dependent clauses onto the ends of other sentences using only a comma. This is not an incorrect thing to do, but it almost seems like you're afraid of using conjuctions. Proper use of these can help to smooth out some more awkard sections of text in your story. For example, the last bit of your story might read better like:

''"Then what do you want to be?" she asks, looking at me with her bright blue eyes and cocking her head to the side.''

''I stared at her for a moment. It was kind of hard not to, especially when she looked at you like that. She always had one small strand of her long, black hair falling in her face, which is one of the reasons I found it so hard to take her seriously. ''

I don't know if that's the style you're going for, but it makes it a little easier to read for me.

3) Additionally, You misuse some contractions ("You're" means "you are." "Your" is the possesive.) and you used "effect" instead of "affect." Look for other instances of things like this throughout your story and it will seem a lot more professional.

4) Only use one speaker per paragraph, but that was also already mentioned.

5) Characters and motivation could definitely use some work in this story, it will help to justify the characters' actions and therefore the plot. Why does she want to be an adventurer? Why does she travel through the cave alone? (Maybe he hurts his ankle when he jumps in?) How old are these kids? You don't have to answer all of these, but if you gives us a few more hints through dialogue and other mediums, we'll try to find some answers on our own as readers. Just make sure you have an idea as a writer.

6) Finally, I advise that you invest a few more words into your cave section. It's the climax of the first part and it's what we've been waiting for ever since the introduction. Make it worth our time. You might also want to foreshadow the next part a bit in the end to keep us wanting more.

I apologize for the brevity of this review, I ended up having less time to write than I thought I would. I encourage you to keep working on this. I like the research done into actual Japanese names, places, words for mother and brother, I think it could be really good. It's a good idea, just make sure that you're pushing yourself to write well enough to do it justice!

Thanks for writing!