Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-26112985-20160107003602

Mikemacdee wrote: Here's another writing exercise in the meantime. Take the following paragraph:

''There was the terrible shatter of glass and protest of metal as my Green little Honda bore the collision. I screamed in pain as many pieces of flying shrapnel imbedded themselves in my upper body. There was a wretched tearing of flesh as my arm was jerked backwards and sliced by the broken glass of my shattered window. The warm rush of blood enveloped my forearm before I had the sense to slam on the breaks in order to make an attempt to stop the car from skidding. What I did not foresee of this solution was how my head would be brought back hard to slam up against the thin sheeting of plastic in between the desecrated windows, and how I would ultimately black out before my car slid into a ditch and caught aflame.''

It's a perfect example of where to apply those two Twain quotes. Rewrite every sentence in this paragraph using as few words as you possibly can. Don't worry about style or anything, just pare it all down to the absolute minimum, and read over it a couple of times. You'll get a better idea of what I'm driving at then. Okay, tell me, does this sound better?

"''There was the immediate protest of metal as the car was impacted. I screamed as pieces of flying shrapnel imbedded themselves all over my body. My arm was jerked backwards and sliced cleanly by my shattered window. Through my agony, I had the sense to slam on the breaks. However, I could not predict how my head would be hurled back hard to slam against the plastic sheeting between the windows. I blacked out before my car slid into a ditch and caught aflame." ''

I'm sorry I've not been getting back to you in the way I would've liked. Exams are next week at my school, and things are getting pretty brutal.

'' ''