Talk:The Demon Tobit of Delphia/@comment-1186783-20140821140000

Love this story, but things I noticed:

-Someone should lampshade the irony that this god wants more followers, but demands that large numbers of the ones he already has be sacrificed.

-You seem to imply (if unintentionally) that Wales was an independent country trying to claim Antarctica. I'd just work on the wording.

-He seems to look back twice at Timothy when the crowd is charging (once to see the crowd is being slowed down by the gunshots, another time to see Timothy about to die). I'd cut out the first one, and have him maybe speculate about it. It makes his flight seem less urgent if he just keeps looking back.

-The protagonist seems a bit too quick to accept the existential horror of his friend's “soul” being at danger. I'd make his first moment considering heroism during the ceremony, when they bring the body out, and he has to see his friend being defiled.

-You use the word “science station” too often (at least it seems that way, I might have imagined it). Different people in real life tend to use slightly different terms. I'd say throw in a few “outposts” or just “stations.”