Talk:The Boy Who Became/@comment-24115974-20131124184944

Hmm.. I don't really know what to say about this pasta. It's pretty straightforward, and it's not exactly well-written either. Let me give you a few examples:

"These are super creepy." I'm sorry, did you really just write that? It sounds like some kind of sarcastic remark a 10 year-old would make. Try using something different instead. Tip: Don't make people in stories say anything you wouldn't say in real life. I'll leave the way your narrator talks up to you though.

"I sat by my computer, hugging the still warm box to myself" Pardon? Maybe this is some kind of translation mistake, I have no idea, but hugging a computer is not something most people do. Just saying.

"I didn't notice the shadows on the wall at first. I didn't hear the strange noises at first." Now this is a powerful sentence. Repetition works for turning up the suspense, and this sentence really nailed it for me. This is the part where stuff became exciting, cool!

"I jerked up" Don't say that, I don't think you can really use it that way. "jerked forwards" idem.

"I couldn't... breathe..." This is a decent ending for a generally speaking pretty mediocre pasta. There's definetly room for improvement, but you get a 6/10. This is not bad, but calling it good is a step too far. So-so, is how I'd put it. I wish you luck in your future works, and checking my pasta out wouldn't hurt either!