Talk:The White Men Came/@comment-27838637-20180228093458/@comment-33606996-20180228214354

Thank you for your firm yet fair review; this is the main reason I joined this contest in the first place, to learn.

I will be on the lookout for the issues you have pointed out since I do agree with you on my flaws.

However, if there's one thing I'd like to point out is that there might be a slight misunderstanding regarding the threat the protagonist was facing, which, due to my overly flowery prose (that as you said quite well ended up being an impediment to the reader's enjoyment at times) might not have come across as I intended.

You see, the first wave of white men who come are actually people, Europeans who came looking for refuge from something. The White Men that emerged from the sea a while after were exactly what these people had been running from; some kind of eldritch horror which was as far away from human as it could get; the only features the natives as well as the European refugees could make out of them was their "translucent yet luminous". The implication was that these monstrosities had ravaged all of the Eastern and Central side of the world, leaving the remaining survivors with no choice other than to flee to America, despite the fact that they'd get there eventually.

The fact that I had to explain it here makes clear how poorly implemented into the story it was. This is entirely on me and I should have given it more thought and time in order to convey what I intended. I just wanted to make clear that I was hoping to go for an outwordly horror and fear of extintion rather than the very dry and overused political commentary on how badly the Native Americans were treated.

Sorry about that. Either way, this whole story required more time than what I granted it and I should have known better. I really need to shake off that pretentiousness already; the way it always manages to make its way into my writing is annoying.

Still, I'm glad I made something people could enjoy. Thank you very much for your thorough review and I hope that my next relate will experience some improvements over this one.