Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25940466-20141230030653/@comment-17385488-20141230053910

Before I start, I would like to mention that the paragraphs that make up this story are just walls of text. I highly suggest that you break apart these walls of text into separate paragraphs so that it can be easier to follow. Walls of text can be a strain on a reader's eyes and could cause them to reread words, or even entire sentences, that they have already read, leaving them confused.

Grammar and Plot Issues

"I snuggle deeper into the blankets, listening to Amber's light breathing as she sleeps." Who is Amber in relation to the narrator? Is Amber the narrator's sister? Her best friend? Her roommate? This is what I consider a plot hole and could use some character development to provide some insight into who she is.

"I hear her mumble a no (Remove "a no" as it is unnecessary to the rest of this sentence) as she pulls the blanket closer to her."

"'You're exhausted. You're hearing things (because) you're so tired.'"

"Before my eyes close all the way, I hear the giggle (again), (and it was even) louder."

So far, I have got to give you credit for making a decent, at least, story when compared to previous stories that I have reviewed here in the Workshop.

"I hear it again, (once again, even) louder."

"Illuminates the shadow in the closet." This entire sentence is a fragment. Sure, it has an action, but who or what is performing the action? Is it the bolt of lightning that you previously mentioned or is it the dark, human-like figure in the closet? You could do two things to solve this grammar issue: A. Add a subject that is performing the task ("The lightning also illuminated the shadow in the closet".) or B. Remove the period at the end of the previous sentence and combine the two together ("A bolt of lightning strikes outside and illuminated the room and the shadow in the closet.").

"'What the fuck? What's going (on)?' He yells."

You didn't really have much problem in writing the narrator's paranoia leading up to the point where she describes the figure.

'It... it was a scary clown. His face (was unlike anything I've ever seen). He had sharp teeth. His (his) eyes were blood red...[,(Remove the ellipsis and replace it with a comma)] His (and his) face looked demonic. His suit was (also) black and white but there was blood splattered all over the white," I cry out."

You start entering run-on sentence and fragment territory with this following section:

'"Sounds like a semi(-)conscious dream. Where (which is where) you dream while you're half awake. Just sleep with your back to the closet,[Remove the comma] (and with your) head under the blanket,'"

"A second later something grabs my ankle again, and tightens it's[its(Incorrect use of its; Careless grammar mistake)] grasp."

"I scream and try to kick with my other foot.[,(Run-on sentence)] But (but I) am soon grabbed by that ankle as well."

"I scream louder before I hear a giggle and see nothing, [Remova the comma] but darkness."

After reading the first paragraph, you didn't really have much of a problem with your story so far. You did have one plot hole at the beginning, but nothing too major. There were also several run-on sentences and grammar errors which can easily be fixed.

"I spit it out and drop to the floor.[,(The period makes the second sentence a fragment. Removing it and placing it with a comma is the best thing to do here)] Coughing (coughing) as I taste the powder from it's wings that has coated my tongue."

"I flip it off and watch as it cocks it's [its(Incorrect use of its)] head."

You seem to have a tendency to use the incorrect use of "its" (its = possessive; it's = it is, such as "it is alarming".), which is evidenced again in these  sections:

1. "I step to the side, trying to leave it's (its) eyesight and it growls even deeper as it turns it's (its) head to look at me."

2. "It's (Its) eyes glowing a blood red. It laughs and snaps it's (its) teeth as it walks to me. "

3. "'You're mine now,' He growls out before cackling it's (its) cruel laugh."

4. "I feel it's (its) hands grab my shoulders and it violently shakes me, banging my head against the wall."

You also end the story with one more grammar error ("The last thing I feel,[Remove the comma] is the teeth digging into all sides of my face and a tugging.")

Overall Thought on the Story

I really liked this story. It has a great amount of potential due to it having little to no cliches in its storyline. I don't want to try and be lenient and say it's a good story without mentioning the flaws. It has quite a number of grammar errors, such as the incorrect use of its/it's, run-on sentences, sentence fragments, etc. I do feel like you've created a great piece of literature with this. Once you fix the grammar errors that I have pointed out, I feel like it will meet the quality standards and you can post it to the main site. Other than that, good job.