Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180705051303/@comment-5733573-20180706183619

It's better. The feeding frenzy sequence is delightfully graphic and the ending is chilling to the bone. It still needs a proofread, though, because of some small errors.

For the story: you tell us about five times that they're turning into hyenas. We get it the first time, so you don't need to keep punching this point. Also, the conversation at the beginning goes nowhere. I get that you're establishing character, but every sentence has to count in a story this short.

Word choice: it becomes a comedy as soon as you start talking about "butt gravy," and "sausages" and "meatballs." These words are calculated to make the audience laugh and they absolutely kill the scare factor. And they're not the only ones.

Yes, I think this would qualify for dismemberment, which seems to be important to you. Otherwise, I wouldn't say cryptids for this, but monsters certainly.

Finally, I have to address this. I'm seeing a trend in your writing where people of races other than white are portrayed very negatively. This is very concerning, especially in a story like this where it's very clear that you're judging both sets of characters.