Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-23872426-20150430033730/@comment-23872426-20150430231848

SoPretentious wrote: Here's my advice:


 * 1) The title appears at the top of the page, it's a little redundant to add it to the story.
 * 2) Numbers can be written out to improve appearance. 20’s (twenties)
 * 3) Casually Jack fixated his attention
 * 4) circumstances too…I hope they Spacing issue, add a space after the ellipsis.
 * 5) his spoon over to Jack “I’m just saying the
 * 6) Jack interrupted. “Just bare (bear) with me here
 * 7) which is (to) search the places that you think a body would hide
 * 8) His eyes skewered (scoured) the room
 * 9) signs of a viscous (vicious) struggle
 * 10) The others remained quite (quiet)
 * 11) were eagerly tying (trying) to get apart but alas Apart doesn't really fit in that sentence, maybe "isolate" or something else.
 * 12) thoughts they became more satisfying. Satisfying isn't really the right word there, "tempting" maybe.
 * 13) Jack spoke into his radio “I’m heading to
 * 14) somethin’ out(.)” No response Punctuation, shift the period to inside the quotations.
 * 15) Jack venturing took him deep into the protected Wording issue. I think you can remove "Jack", and capitalize "venturing."
 * 16) the end of the road be (being not) much further
 * 17) was this extremely fowl (foul) smell that
 * 18) No matter how hard he tried Jack couldn’t shake off this feeling that he was being watched by a pair of eyes hidden by the darkness This sentence is lacking. Better word choice would serve it some good.
 * 19) With caution Jack took a frantic
 * 20) Jack’s breathe (breath) faded out of his
 * 21) Chills crept down his spines (spine) yet his
 * 22) Jack whispered softly (as he) recognizing the girl
 * 23) where she was viscously (viciously) assaulted and kidnapped
 * 24) It didn’t end there though he fished out two
 * 25) into the maintenance cart, tossing the Spacing issue.

As for the storyline, I think it's pretty good. The beginning is a little weak in terms of action. If something exciting was added, or the beginning was reduced, I think that would improve the story. The discovery of the murder-scene and the campsite was a ridden with cliché sounding phrases, go through and remove the common terms.

Thanks. That helps alot. I have a quick question though, do you think that i could just cut out all of the introduction and begin when he enters the park and ends when he leaves the creek?