User talk:Dorkpool

Archive 1

Archive 2

Archive 3

Archived
Hey, I've archived your talk page, as it was getting pretty long.

11:04, April 29, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Coincidence" message
Your phone is having the same issue? How weird! I'm reworking a detail in chapter 3 where instead of using Erika's DVD player, the protagonist will go looking for a fan and have faint tapping noises follow her as she does so. When she finds the fan, the tapping noises turn into a loud thump and she ends up falling over the clutter surrounding the fan. I felt like the protagonist testing the DVD player only to find that it doesn't work and returning to her room was kind of pointless.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:52, April 29, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:52, April 29, 2015 (UTC)

Hello, good buddy
Would you give this warm-hearted and tender coming of age story a read and tell me what you think? The Gym Teacher. Thanks so much. P.S. have you ever thought of starting a creepypasta riffs wiki? Worth a thought. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 23:10, April 29, 2015 (UTC)

Rifftique Message
Sorry about the wait. I have been doing some other things with school and the wiki that I completely forgot. I'll send the introduction soon. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 00:23, April 30, 2015 (UTC)

Hey there!
How are you doing today?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 16:15, April 30, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 16:15, April 30, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Spider-Man" message
I'm trying to work on my story. I'm rewriting a detail in chapter 3. Here's what I have so far: "Before I viewed the DVD, I decided to look for a fan because the air conditioner in my room wasn't working right and I didn't want to mess with it. I had looked in my closet but much to my dismay, I only found a few empty coat hangers sitting on the thick, wooden rod.

Thinking that there was a fan in another part of the house, I left my room and proceeded down the stairway. As I was walking down the stairs, my heart started to beat rather quickly and I had felt rather faint. Since I thought these feelings were occurring from overheating, I took a few deep breaths and continued on my way."

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 13:59, May 1, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 13:59, May 1, 2015 (UTC)

Intro/Outro Email Finally Sent
I finally sent the intro and the outro for the rifftique. Sorry about the wait. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 20:54, May 2, 2015 (UTC)

*Insert Joke About Re Here* Re: Intro/Outro
Went ahead and responded, as well as sent Draft 3 of the intro/outro. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 02:38, May 3, 2015 (UTC)

Re Because Why Not: Intro/Outro
You didn't send the file or it didn't send for some reason. --AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 21:16, May 3, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Segment" message
I think after that I may have her just get the fan and run back upstairs while creating an uncomfortable feeling.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 21:17, May 3, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 21:17, May 3, 2015 (UTC)

One More Re For Good Measure: Intro/Outro
Alright, I think we have it finished. I can't think of any more revisions. --AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 22:08, May 3, 2015 (UTC)

I did it!
I finally managed to learn how to archive my talk pages! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! It was so easy I didn't figure it out until Underscorre explained the process. Anyway... I'm kind of bored so I've been editing pastas for grammar and whatnot. The "Random Pasta" button makes it easier to find pastas in need of editing. Also this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrimMyOoEDA

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 02:51, May 4, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 02:51, May 4, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Qapla" message
Thanks for your encouragment! By the way, what does "Qapla" mean? Is it some obscure spanish word? If so, thanks for sharing your linguistic skills with me!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 16:23, May 4, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 16:23, May 4, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Klingon" message
Oh ok! Now I know! (insert obligatory G.I Joe joke here). I haven't heard of many pokepastas based on the anime. The only one I could think of was Said it With a Bullet. It's funny that I say this because I had a dream last night where Team Rocket (the guys in back suits not Jessie and James) finally captured Pikachu and Pikachu tries to escape team rocket's fortess for decades but their security has been uped to the nth degree. Brock and some kids try to burn down the walls but that doesn't work. Then it showed a screen where it had Ash, Brock, Misty, and pikachu in 4 seperate boxes like that game in Mario Party called Face Lift. The faces gradually melted and it had slowly faded to black. It then cut to a black screen saying "70 years later". We then see Pikachu still trying to escape from Team Rocket's place. The escape attempts have a very somber mood to them. I know there's lots of Pokepastas based on the games but not pokepastas based on the anime. I wonder why.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 17:03, May 4, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 17:03, May 4, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Pokemon" message
I was reading a Pokepasta called Pokemon Dead Channel and I wondered why most Pokepastas are based on the games. There seems to be only one based on the anime. I found it to be weird and seeing as how I had a pokeom related dream that had pasta potential, I decided to share it with you. I have a whole dream journal though I haven't added a new entry in awhile.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 17:23, May 5, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 17:23, May 5, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Dreams" message
Yeah I'll have to write the idea down somewhere where it won't get lost. I have a whole dream journal filled with dreams. Some of which may be considered pasta material. I'll send you a few of them to see what you think.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:29, May 6, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:29, May 6, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Pun" message
That is a beautiful pun that must be protected at all costs. Anyway, here's some journal entries that may be pasta material:

Entry #38: http://pastebin.com/tqCg1adA

Entry #23: http://pastebin.com/Qkb7YrNX

Entry #28: http://pastebin.com/1RMquLXS

Entry #7: http://pastebin.com/1Z34d9st

Entry #13: http://pastebin.com/mmUZezpB

Entry #36: http://pastebin.com/dCAGHWzN

Entry #26: http://pastebin.com/hyeYR0sA

Entry #2: http://pastebin.com/BPULaHTy

I have over 40 entries in my journal so far and I might write another entry when I get to it.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 18:04, May 6, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 18:04, May 6, 2015 (UTC)

RE Reviews
Review away, my friend. My only request would be to not have too many spoilers and thereby ruin the story for readers--if you could call me a genius once in a while that would be nice too :)    HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 19:21, May 6, 2015 (UTC)

Re Genius
Don't forget that I told MikeMacDee that your riff of The Long List was "pure genius". :)  HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 21:31, May 6, 2015 (UTC)

I got a new journal entry!
So I finally managed to take the time to write a new journal entry after 3 months.

Here's the link to it: http://pastebin.com/0yeN3LyZ

By the way, did you get a chance to read my other entries?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 18:58, May 7, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 18:58, May 7, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Dream Journal" message
Dead labotomized kid? Which entry was that? I'm confused... Yeah I guess the reason why Japan is prevelant in my dreams is because I happen to like anime or something I'm not sure. I was going to hold a pasta writing contest about actual abandoned places but I may hold off 'til friday to actually begin the contest. It's already on my blog page but it might've gotten deleted by an admin due to the recent influx of contests and poorly written pastas.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 21:51, May 7, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 21:51, May 7, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Abundant Contests = The New Riffs" message
Ah ok! That's the one where Bumby's mom is... (imitates Skippy Squirrel from Animaniacs) Wahhhhhhhhh! The deers with no heads one. I haven't been as up to date on that but I've been told by Empy that the influx of contests have been more frequent than usual. I think waiting for the influx to slow down is a good option.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 23:39, May 7, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 23:39, May 7, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Seen it!" Message
The only difference in this senario is that you can host contests with permission on this site but with riffs I'm not sure.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 19:43, May 8, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 19:43, May 8, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Co-Op" message
Hmm... I might be interested. I hope to finish my story sometime before next year because I've been working on it since January or Febuary. It may be finished by 2016 but I'm not sure.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 02:42, May 9, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 02:42, May 9, 2015 (UTC)

I watched (part of) Cry Baby Lane
I was watching Cry Baby Lane and the funeral home owner Mr. Bennett looks like Sean Connery!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 02:03, May 10, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 02:03, May 10, 2015 (UTC)

Re email
I gave you my email over skype when you riffed Rumpelstiltskin  HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 20:39, May 10, 2015 (UTC)

RE email
Done. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 01:03, May 11, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "I feel bad 4 Connery" message
Actually, Mr. Bennett is played by Frank Lagella. Who maybe Sean Connery's twin. Hmm...

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 13:39, May 11, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 13:39, May 11, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Jackel" message
Yeah! Those Jackels from... Ancient... E...gypt? I didn't know they could do that!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 16:42, May 11, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 16:42, May 11, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Spider-Man Villan" message
I don't read too many Spider-Man comics so the only villans I'm familiar with are The Green Goblin, The Sandman, and The Lizard.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:35, May 12, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:35, May 12, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Spidey" message
I'm hosting a contest on abandoned places: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:TheAzumangaDaiohFan/Azu%27s_Abandoned_Places_Story_Contest_5/6/15

Are you in?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 19:00, May 12, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 19:00, May 12, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Contest" message
Awesome! I'm being a little broad sincebthis is my first contest. I may provide another list of other abandoned places like hospitals.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 18:32, May 13, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 18:32, May 13, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Contest" message
Yeag that seems ok. As long as it's based on a real abandoned place, I don't have a problem with it.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 00:54, May 17, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 00:54, May 17, 2015 (UTC)

New Tobit story in need of The Dork!
Dorkpool,

I have a new Tobit story, Tobit: Theory of Two that is in need of review. Please check it out when you can!

Banningk1979 (talk) 23:03, May 17, 2015 (UTC)

Six Hundred Sixtey Six Edits
I got 666 edits on my profile. Oh My God! My profile is a cliche!!!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 03:42, May 19, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 03:42, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 03:40, May 19, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 03:40, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Hyper Realistic" message
True. At least my profile name isn't SayTen. Get it? It says Satan! OMG SO ORIGINAL! LOL XD By the way, some of the font on this wiki is different. It mostly appears in the visual editor, the badge section, and other talk page sections. YouTube's font is different too... Do you see the same thing? If not, I must be hallucinating.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 12:12, May 19, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 12:12, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Jay" message
So my computer is at the shop to get a new mic port and a super cleaning on the inside so I'm on my tablet right now. I couldn't access the "Create new section" button on mobile because it won't scroll to the other side of the page. My tablet only shows half of the page because potatoes.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 18:10, May 19, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 18:10, May 19, 2015 (UTC)

Hey!
So I took part in the 2 Sentence Pasta Contest. I don't know if the host saw my entry. I hope they did.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 04:39, May 21, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 04:39, May 21, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Geese" message
I would like to expand on the 2 sentence pasta in the future. I'm now working on chapter 3. I'm almost done with the modifications.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 00:27, May 22, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 00:27, May 22, 2015 (UTC)

Riff Material
Went and emailed you a possible story you could riff. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:59, May 22, 2015 (UTC)

I finished revising chapter 3!
So I finally finished revising chapter 3! I can send you that chapter via pastebin if you like! Here's the link: http://pastebin.com/TSBBWvre By the way, how's that abandoned place pasta coming along?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 04:17, May 23, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 04:17, May 23, 2015 (UTC)

Hey!
Did you get to read my revision of chapter 3? If so, what are your thoughts on it?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:01, May 24, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:01, May 24, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Line" message
Yeah I figured getting a fan would be SO much better than *Stares at other chapter 3 plotline* the one using the dvd player. What riffs

were people upset over?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 14:12, May 26, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 14:12, May 26, 2015 (UTC)

I submitted a pasta to the Song Contest
Under a Rotting Sky. A sweet and tender tale of teenage romance. I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 17:41, May 26, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Riffs" message
I'm sure your audience will understand the reason for the lack of riffs.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 20:01, May 26, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 20:01, May 26, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for the review
Just read your review, thank you for reading! New Tobit story should show up in June.

Best,

Banningk1979 (talk) 17:02, May 28, 2015 (UTC)

A Quick Little Pun
Oh no! The pool is dead! Ahhhhhh!!!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 22:33, May 29, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 22:33, May 29, 2015 (UTC)

Hey!
It's been awhile since we last spoke. I'm kind of bored right now. Did you get my message about the pool being dead?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 13:46, June 8, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 13:46, June 8, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Pink Floyd" message
Well yesterday both my tablet and charger crapped out. My dad brought me my other charager today and my tablet is still working. I also found a way to start chapter 6! Yeeeeeaaah! So I played Pokemon Blue yesterday on my Gameboy SP and the battery backup works perfectly. I don't understand why some people say the battery backups in old Pokemon games don't work anymore. The actual game had a few glitches. For example, it took me three tries to get Daisy's town map because the game kept freezing and showing blue and pink lines. One of those tries ended up making the game play every sound effect it had while looping the "received item" sound effect for every 5th sound played. It also glitched up a few times every time I tried to catch a female Nidoran. This leads me to one conclusion. The game has become sexist!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:02, June 9, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:02, June 9, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Sexist Game" message
Huh... Who knew Ben and/or Bob were sexist? I'll try to work on chapter 6 sometime today. Writing this pasta has lead to some moments where you just get stuck and can't go any further. Here's what I have for chapter 6 so far:

"By the time the cold opening had ended, I found myself sitting on the edge of the daybed in a daze as my eyes were bulging out of my head and my mouth was gaping open as wide as it could."

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 14:29, June 11, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 14:29, June 11, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Votes for Men step in time!" Message
Thank you! I want this chapter to focus on the main episode which takes place in modern day Japan. I want the shadow figure to appear but I want it to gradually become a samurai shaped figure the more the girl watches the episode. After the sentence I shared with you, I got stuck.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 19:43, June 12, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 19:43, June 12, 2015 (UTC)

About your abandoned place pasta
How's the pasta for the abandoned place contest coming along?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 00:41, June 14, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 00:41, June 14, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Development" pasta
Neat! I'll be glad to see it when it's done. I forgot to mention that I found a spider's nest in one of my shirts yesterday. It freaked me, my mom, and my dad out as I told him about it on the phone. My mom says it was just a fluke but there are spider webs in my closet and I may have been bit by a spider last night. Now I'm afraid to wear any sleeved shirts until I check them.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 13:58, June 14, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 13:58, June 14, 2015 (UTC)

New tablet
So I archived the latest edition of my pasta in my email inbox. I did this because my dad said he might buy me a new tablet soon since my current one is nearly a year old and he told me that it may not last much longer. When I'm at my mom's house and I put it in sleep mode for a long time when it's off the charger, it doesn't want to turn back on and when I plug it into the charger I used to charge it, that doesn't turn it back on. Everytime this issue happens, I have to use an alternate charger. It used to be a rare thing, but it happended twice last week.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 15:18, June 16, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 15:18, June 16, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Tablet" message
Damn it E.T! Stop messing with my tablet! Anyway, I've made some new changes to chapter 6. Here's the link to the pastebin page: http://pastebin.com/GxKa8TRv Let me know what you think of the latest editions!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 22:21, June 17, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 22:21, June 17, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Character" message
I think I wanted to have it be a little over the top to give the character a bit of personality without coming off as cringe worthy. I also wanted to subvert the cliché of the character being a big fan of a show. --Hailey Sawyer (talk) 20:43, June 22, 2015 (UTC)Hailey Sawyer--Hailey Sawyer (talk) 20:43, June 22, 2015 (UTC)

You were talking about Chapter 6... Oops!
I thought you were referring to the beginning of the story. My bad! But I'll still try to work on chapter 6. --Hailey Sawyer (talk) 21:35, June 22, 2015 (UTC)Hailey Sawyer--Hailey Sawyer (talk) 21:35, June 22, 2015 (UTC)

New Tobit Chapter
Yo Dork,

Well, it's that time again, I just finished my newest Tobit chapter, Tobit: Hiya Toby and the Unwashed. I am very happy with how it came out, and as always, await your feedback!

Thanks,

--Banningk1979 (talk) 04:24, June 24, 2015 (UTC)

As always, thank you
I always look very forward to your reviews. Thank you for taking the time to write me one. I mentioned this on the thread itself, but yeah, I am planning to try and publish the series once it's finished. I want to make sure though that all of you that have been awesome enough to follow the characters and stories this far get to see the ending here on CP Wiki before I try and sell the manuscript.

Anyway, stay tuned for the next installment.

Best,

Banningk1979 (talk) 23:09, June 27, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Azumanga" message
Hmm... Pfffff! HAHAHAHA!!! I'm already laughing based on the title alone. It's been awhile since we last spoke. I've been having a severe case of writer's block because I've tried a lot of methods to come up with what's going to happen next. It's making me really upset. I think I might try making a list of events in the story and I'll see if that does the trick. What do you do when you get writer's block? Can I also see what you have so far on your abandoned places pasta?

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 04:42, June 29, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 04:42, June 29, 2015 (UTC)

Finally got that email out.
Draft 3 of the Intro/Conclusion to the LOL riff is finally done. I apologize for the wait, as I got quite sidetracked at the time. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 13:29, June 29, 2015 (UTC)

Reply to "Here's my tips" message
Hmm... Those are some good tips to try. I'll take those into consideration. As for riffing, I've been trying to get back into that but I've been quite a busy person lately so I haven't been able to do that. I'll take a look at the story you linked me to as soon as I can. I've been preoccupied with the 360 version of Minecraft which is quite a fun game to play.

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 21:09, June 29, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 21:09, June 29, 2015 (UTC)

The Decision
About time I got around to this. I'm skipping Amara because I'm not really one who can do well with criticizing poetry. As I usually do, I'm going to critique as I go along.

"You sit in a room, your only company a gun on the floor next to you. The door’s blocked off, but you know it won’t last for long."

The first thing I'd like to point out is that there seems to be something wrong with the first sentence; the way it reads. I can't quite place my finger on it, but it seems incredibly awkward in phrasing.

" You hear them, on the other side of the door, moaning and scraping. You look at the gun, and remember what you had to do, who you had to kill  to survive for this long. (No, not who. What. Those…things…weren’t your friends, weren’t your family, wasn’t the one you loved. They might have had their faces, but they didn’t have their souls. Right?) Was it worth it, you wonder. You’re probably going to die soon, anyway. There’s probably an army at that door, and it won’t hold forever. And even if it did, those things won’t go away. You’re stuck here until you starve to death. What a terrible and undignified way to die. And having those things come in and eat you is no better. Hell, it’s probably worse."

There's not that much wrong here, but it literally seems pointless to repeat that the door won't last long. You literally just said that about four sentences ago.

In all honesty, the story is written well so far. I'm not going to quote the next few paragraphs because I don't really see much of a problem there. I was going to make a comment on how much you were constantly repeating the same question over and over again (Is it worth it?), but then I read a little farther in and realized what you were going for. I'll be honest, I do like how the character seems to be going a little nuts in there over the decision.

Another thing I liked is that the answer of who was being fired at was never revealed. It's left largely up to the imagination, and that's a fine thing.

But the one criticism I have is that it seems too quick. I felt like I got drawn in just for it to end right there. Just as things seemed  to be picking up speed, it ended. I kind of feel that a bit of extension would probably make a nice addition to the story. Maybe have the character look desperately for another way out, but not find one. A little more feeling or desperation might give the story a better feel and not climax it too quickly. More emotion and desperate questions than just "Is it worth it?"

All in all, though, it's not bad. I'll look into your third story shortly. Senjumaru Shutara 07:26, July 1, 2015 (UTC)


 * http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Senjumaru_Shutara/Critique_Requests You left a comment on that. Senjumaru Shutara 20:49, July 1, 2015 (UTC)

A Request for a Riff
http://trollpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_1 This is a terrible story I wrote when I was an amateur. I'd really dig if you could riff the heck out of it on your site if you want. I'd like to see other people mocking 13 year old me besides...well, me :P --Mr. Mojo Risin&#39; (talk) 15:43, July 1, 2015 (UTC)

About the Koromo thing, sure, go ahead. --Mr. Mojo Risin&#39; (talk) 16:03, July 1, 2015 (UTC)

Nah, it's fine. Post it. --Mr. Mojo Risin&#39; (talk) 16:51, July 1, 2015 (UTC)

Powerless
This story was actually somewhat harder to review, namely because it was well-written. Usually, when I review a story, just by skimming through I can find something wrong. Not so with this particular story - I had to read through it once or twice to find things that could probably be improved on.

"He was a hero at one point. Citizens loved him, villains hated him, and the world almost worshipped him. He was nearly as powerful as God himself, and definitely more benevolent."

This almost seems like an unnecessary potshot. The whole "definitely more benevolent" thing seems out of place. Don't get me wrong; I'm not offended. I'm an atheist.

" But that was a long time ago.

Now he’s a normal man, a bitter man. His powers fled him some time ago, the result of some egomaniacal super villain. At the time, he still had hope for humanity. “So what if my powers are gone?” he had thought. “At least people would try to live up to my example. They would try to live by what I taught them.”"

In a way, this is almost cliche in nature. Why? Mainly because the "Hero loses his powers, says people will live by his example, and then blatantly forgets about human nature" kind of thing has been used multiple times before. To be quite honest, it's not an original idea. I do like the idea that he lost his power because the villain supposedly won, but that probably explains a lot of what's going on in your story. People live by the examples of their rulers, and since you didn't go too much into this villain (which isn't a bad thing), I'm assuming he's the classic "Take over Metropolis" type. Think about Hitler. Regardless of whether he was right or wrong, people followed him and his examples for various reasons.

"He was wrong about that. Things seem worse than ever. People seem to have forgotten him, and the example he set. Rather than help each other, people hurt each other, rob each other, and kill each other.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">For a while, he still hoped that maybe things would get better, that someone, anyone, would remember what heroism was. But after seeing so much hate, so much death and crime and destruction, his hope died a painful death.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Now he’s an old and bitter man. A man whose thoughts revolve around how hopeless things have become. A man with no one and nothing left to live for, but refuses to die."

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I think I got this part in the above paragraph I wrote. So this is where I go into the next one.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"When the three men approached him on a crowded sidewalk full of people in broad daylight, the man didn’t notice. He was too busy thinking about how terrible the world had become. Most of his thoughts revolved around that these days.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">He only noticed when two men went behind him, and one went in front. The one in the front, a tall man with a scar directly under his eye, said, “Gimme your money.”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“I don’t have any on me,” The old and bitter man said, while wondering what drove these men to crime. Would they have become criminals if he were still a hero? Does it even matter?"

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I like the fact that you've got an example, but you're also getting repetitive. We get it. The world is a terrible and horrible place. The man lost his powers. It's not progressing the story anymore; it's basically just inserting itself wherever. It's making me think the man is obsessed with being a hero.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">This is how bad it is:

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"He was too busy thinking about how terrible the world had become."

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">And then, just two paragraphs in this incredibly short story later:

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"Would they have become criminals if he were still a hero?"

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">You're literally saying the same thing, just phrasing it differently.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"The man with the scar frowned, and said, “That’s a damn shame. That was the only thing that might’ve kept you alive.” The two men behind the old man grabbed him, and all four of them went into an alley. As this was happening, the old and bitter man was yelling for help. There were many people around, after all, walking around in a rather large crowd. One would hear him, one would help. Right?

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">No one did. Some turned at the sound of his screaming, but none of them did anything.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">A punch in the face quickly silenced him, and the goons proceeded to beat him.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">As he was knocked to the ground, and being beaten to death, he realized something:

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Any hope for this world died the day he stopped being a hero."

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I get that it would be difficult to do so, but a person would usually fight back, not just yell for help and stand there and take it. Particularly when it comes to ex-superheroes who didn't just want to live a normal life when their powers were lost. I found myself wondering why he didn't fight back.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">In the end, though, one of the things I didn't like was the fact that it seemed more pseudo-philosophical. It reads and feels more like an argumentative metaphor than it does a story, and that's not good.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Other than that, the writing and plot devices are pretty sound. It's not a bad work. Senjumaru Shutara 21:34, July 2, 2015 (UTC)

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">


 * No big deal. I actually enjoy reviewing stories, so, yeah. I need to remember to use source mod on talk pages. Damn you, formatting. Senjumaru Shutara 22:06, July 2, 2015 (UTC)

Hey! I got it!
Here's what I got: "Much to my surprise, not only had Erika emerged from the basement, but my brother had come upstairs as well. They started to ask me why I was screaming and I told them about what I saw." It may not be much now, but it seems like a breakthrough! I read through my whole story again and along the way, I corrected a few spelling errors. I think I should read through my whole story more often!

Hailey Sawyer (talk) 16:54, July 4, 2015 (UTC)Hailey SawyerHailey Sawyer (talk) 16:54, July 4, 2015 (UTC)