Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-23902796-20150419181528

This threads perpose is to get some feedback on how I'm doing on my first creepypasta I wrote this in about an hour or two and would like some tips or reviews,I thank everyone here for there time reading this thread. P.S. I still have time to fix grammer errors so I know there are some.I havn't even read it myself XP.

Hello this is my documentation of the thing that I call the atago-9 and it will be written in narritive and story form.

I had been assigned to this case to investigate the murder of brianna smith a 14 year old girl hope all goes well and we can catch this brute.


 * raining*

"So...were you heading stranger?,"The Taxi driver said."Names leon I'm in town to investigate the murder of brianna smith,"said leon."I see...That was a very sad time she was such a sweet girl everyone was sad the day she died,"said the taxi driver


 * officer leon steps out of the car and walks toward the house*

"Officer Leon let me through,"said leon,*flashes badge*."Yes sir,"said the police officer.

Narritive:If only I had realized then what kind of case I got into.The room looked fine and so the house too no evidence on a silver platter today,the victim's head had cut in the mouth area to make a huge smile and then was sown up the eye's were sown too but looked more fresh,recent than the smile the throat was slit too,wait hold on...there was something in the victims mouth

"GUYS!," yelled leon, everyone rushed in to check out why leon yelled.

"What is it leon?,"said the officer."There's something in the victims mouth I need a knife and some gloves,"."On it!," exlcaimed the officer."thanks," leon said.

Narritive:As I cut the thread on her sown on smile I found a note in her throat,

Note:Humans have so much potential,and yet no one ever releases it,holding back because you believe in things such as rules,put on a smile and let the beast in you out let the wall break...


 * a few hours later at leons temporary apartment*

"No prints,no leads,GOD DAMMIT! This girl lost her life and we can't even find one clue!,"yelled leon.*door opens*"Looks like you need a hand,".Who are you?

"The name is mike   