Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24169760-20181124220608/@comment-36627132-20181125024014

Spelling and Grammar Issues: Paragraphs need broken down more. "father was found dead underwater at their own pool" there should be a comma at the end of "dead" and instead of "at their own pool" it should be "in their pool". "and the mother also seemed to have moved out." the word "also" is unnecessary, implying that someone else had moved out. "He died from his worst nightmare!" that's just wrong there. "One night, when we were having a stakeout" would work better if it were "One night during a steakout".

Plot Issues: This story is too long and too drawn out, I actually started just skimming through it and did not go over it a second time. The killer himself goes around doing all this stuff, often in populated areas, and somehow does not get caught. The story itself starts with three cliches: a report, the killer mudering a family member, and the murder victim being an abusive family member. We just started and already I'm thinking of Jeff the Killer, as if naming your character Jack the Stalker didn't already do that. Ok, then two of the cult members ask to be incarcerated to be safe from Jeff... I mean Jack... instead of wanting safety from the cult. "We go to investigate and find" do not swap tenses.

Plot Issues Continued: The part where the house is set on fire with the officers inside doesn't feel like they are in any danger, especially if they have enough time to collect a note. "he motioned goodbye with his arm" that makes him less threatening. "followed by a threat which we assume is the killer’s motto- 'I’m your worst nightmare.'" Oh great, a catchphrase, more Jeff the Killer cliches.

Plot Issues Conintued: "He looked at the camera, revealing that same psychotic smile and blue, bloodshot eyes." This sounds like one of two things, 1) hilarious and 2) that scene from The Strangest Security Tape I've Ever Seen. "As Jack predicted, when Kendride tried to run, he ended up slipping in the oil and right onto the snakes" that sounds comical, not scary.

So, it is pretty much just another Jeff the Killer rip-off. There are police reports, abuse victim turns killer and kills a family member, the killer is unrealistically uncatchable, killer has a catchphrase (“I’m your worst nightmare.”), killer has long black hair, and the story is long and boring.

This is a long, over drawn out story about a Jeff OC who goes around killing people. That's really all that happens, just him going around killing people in different ways.

I would suggest working on another story. I really don't see how this one can be saved, especially since it is a Jeff OC story.