Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-12695236-20140621101152/@comment-25089042-20140622044853

Hey Elliot!



The Clown, the Paint, and the Turbines (Part 1):

I like the setting and the characterization of the main character as a somewhat neglected child. The clown was creepy too. At some point, it reminded me of The Joker from the Dark Knight: mad, toying, merciless, and surreal. Overall, a pretty good pasta, though like 99% of writing, there is room for revision and improvement:

- The Clown, the Paint, and the Turbines---> the title itself is a bit too long imo. Maybe try something shorter like Disturbed", Paint, or The Red Turbine''?

- “What are you doing here,” I asked. ---> questions mean question marks

- “What's your name,” I kept questioning him. ---> questions mean question marks

- “Does it matter what my name is? I am here because I want to be here. I live here, child.” the clown responded.--->the clown responded is superfluous.

-“I live here. You disturbed me. And those who disturb me help me paint,” he said violently.> imo violently doesn't exactly fit. Maybe you could also sandwich/shorten the quote for dramatic effect, like: "You disturbed me," the clown hissed. "And those who disturb me...shall paint.''

-This seems like a stupid plot twist, doesn't it? It's not. Please, keep reading. You have to find out the truth.> breaks the 4th wall and the story's momentum. It's a unnecessary imo.

-Thank you for helping me paint!---> good, but would have been better if you simply repeated what the clown said (like: YOU WHO DISTURB ME SHALL PAINT)



 The Clown, the Paint, and the Circus (Part 2):

 I actually liked this better than the first part. It had a more nightmarish feel to it, with a hint of realism. There were some awkward lines, and I was kind of disappointed Big Top died so easily, but I did like the build up towards his death. Some things you could revise:

 - “You can't do this..please..you can't..”--->an ellipsis has three periods, not two

- “I want you to paint!!”--one exclamation point, not two

<p class="MsoNormal">- “Smells so goooood.”--->broke the momentum for me. Reminded me of a KFC commercial.

<p class="MsoNormal">-Melody's motivation for helping the kids isn't too clear, maybe you could elaborate on that.

<p class="MsoNormal">-I like the police statement as an epilogue. At the same time, there was something about the way it was written that didn't sound legit. Perhaps you can find an actual police statement in real life and mimic its writing style?

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<p class="MsoNormal">You're a decent writer and I'd love it if you'd be able to give comments on my own creepypasta. (I scratch your back, you scratch mine?)

<p class="MsoNormal">Here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:331580

<p class="MsoNormal">And here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:331889

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<p class="MsoNormal">Thanks!