Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25371551-20140831211142/@comment-24101790-20140831225555

There are a number of capitalization ("I" must be capitalized, the first word in a sentence should be capitalized, and random words in the middle of sentences shouldn't be.), grammatical errors (Conjunctions need an apostrophe, like "name's", "that's"), spacing errors (You need to put a space after ellipses, commas, and periods.), and punctuation errors. (Commas missing where needed.)

Additionally the story seems unfinished.

This is not up to quality standards and violates the spinoff rule (Rule 14.) You can make a spinoff appeal, but to be perfectly honest, this needs a lot of revision and fleshing out.