Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26581765-20150707055637

(This is my first ever Creepypasta, and it's a new character made up. This is my third draft of the Pasta I have been writing. I am looking for some critiquing on parts I need to improve upon. A rating also wouldn't hurt with a ranking of 1-10 on Scariness, shock, paranoia, dread, and creepiness. I do apologize if I am seeming picky, but I just want this to be a good pasta.)

'Greyscale '

  

''Where do I begin? Well, hello there, I am Tobias, the average teen. At least, that’s what everyone assumes. Aged at fifteen, I am a basketball player for my school. We’re The Windsor Foxes, our school color being a bright blue. This was my life, and everything seemed okay from the outside. ''

''Today was it. Today was our final game of the season. We were up against the Vernon Pythons, a team known for its clever maneuvers through the court. There my team was from our locker rooms, examining from the windows as the other team walked down our halls. I wasn’t there though. I was the one preparing. I first slid on my white t-shirt, then my blue jersey. But as I did, I hear a loud and sudden buzzer, frightening the hell out of me. I screamed and fell backwards. Everyone laughed their asses off. ''

''“What’re you scared of, a little buzzer testing?” As my vision came back to me, I looked down at the number on his jersey; number one. That could only be Jensen Jones; practically the Lone Wolf Leader of everything. This was the daily. His remarks and comments about me came every single day. ''

''“I want a nice, clean play today, team,” our coach told us in the huddle. It was just the same ole thing every day; every game. Someone always gets hurt though, no matter what. As the buzzer rang again, all of the players slowly came to the court and set into position. I was benched though. It seemed odd, but I didn’t care, honestly. The game went on and on, until finally, my name was called. ''

''            Out I went. Eyes turned and stared at me, my footsteps echoing through the gym. A referee handed me the ball and signaled me to my position. One minute was on the clock of the last quarter of the game, and it was tied up. Everything slowed as the timer began counting down; fifty nine, fifty eight, fifty seven. I narrowed my eyes as I passed the ball to Jensen; practically the only person open, and he caught it with ease. As he dribbled it, the other team got closer and closer to him, closing in on him and making him unable to move. The others tried to help, but were being blocked as well. I stood there, open, but nothing came at me. Thirty seconds left, and we were getting nowhere as Jensen was trying to be the showoff he always was. He tried to make an escape, but the other team stole the ball from him, and he tripped as they did. The whistle rang through my ears as Jensen fell, and straight onto me. ''

''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            I fell with an “Oof!” as he impacted me and we fell to the hard floors. As the other team got ready for the next part, Jensen quickly stood up and shouted to everyone, “Time out!” then picked me up by my ear and dragged me to the locker rooms. I groaned as he did, feeling my ear beginning to bleed even. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “The hell were you thinking?! You were right in my way! I could’ve escaped, but nooo! You had to just… be there!” He screamed to my face, then a fist came at my face slowly; blurry. It hit me right in the eye, making me grunt. He punched me again and again and again. It was numb after the first two. But, there was nothing I could do. I knew that if I fought back, he’d only fight harder. So, I let him punch me; punch me until I was out cold. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">My eyes felt heavy, like a weight was tied to each of them. As I slowly managed to get them open, I heard whispers. The room was dark, except for a small candle in the middle. That small light revealed the room to be my bedroom. The whispers came again; they were raspy. Almost like someone was dying. “Do you know me? Am I anything?” they said. I slowly sat up, but got dizzy fast, and laid back down. It was like something was restraining me. I was scared. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “Who are you?” I said into the darkness. No reply. I repeated again, “Who are you?” this time, with more emphasis. Then, a large deep breath, just as raspy as when it spoke. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “I’m a nightmare.” The voice then giggled with insanity as a strong wind blew the candle light out. I gasped and held my blanket. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “Go away, just leave me alone!” I screamed as my eyes began to feel hot. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “Oh… but I wanted to have some fun,” the voice replied, “But, I cannot simply leave myself alone.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “Why-what?” I was confused at his statement. I couldn’t be him. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“I’m all inside your head. I’m you…” The voice faded away as it felt like everything was closing around me. I screamed, but nothing came out. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">I snapped my eyes open and breathed fast, realizing it had been a figment of my imagination. But, I saw that I was in a hospital bed. I went to touch my face, only to be interrupted by my bandages. I let out a gasp and plopped my hand back down onto my stomach. That’s when a doctor came in ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“Good morning, Tobias,” he said with a comforting smile as he sat in his rolling chair, “How are you feeling?” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">I only blinked a little and looked around before replying to him, “I feel a bit sore… I guess?” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“Ah, still sore from the beating… I heard what happened, and he was quite unsportsmanlike…” The doctor stated and wrote something down on the clipboard, “Now, you’ll be let out, but don’t get on the playing field, kid. Alright?” I just nodded and he smiled. “Good,” He stood slowly, “And also, be yourself.” The doctor gave a wink as he walked back into the hall. I didn’t quite understand why he said that, but I paid not much to it. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">I was now home, upstairs though in my room, playing some videogames, like classic Mario and Legend of Zelda. I was having a blast; it certainly cleared my mind of my possibly ugly face. I also had my purple headphones on; a prized possession of mine since I was ten years old. I listened to one of my favorite bands; Fall Out Boy with songs like “Centuries” and “Uma Thurman”. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">Everything was okay, for once during this year, I felt happy. But, I heard a crash in my window. “I’ve got a knife!” I heard as someone had come through it. It was Jensen, once again, wearing an orange outfit; probably from juvie. I immediately threw my hands up as he aimed his knife at me. It was only a standard kitchen knife, but still sharp as ever. I dropped my controller and put my headphones around my neck. “Now, stand still. I need to end this before you cause any other trouble on the team.” He said with a dark voice. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“Y-You’re mad!” I shouted at him, but stuttered at first. Jensen kept approaching me though, plastering a grin on his face. I bit my lip and held back tears of fear. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“What?! Little Tobias is gonna cry?!” That’s when I stopped. I stood and had my head down as my face turned into anger. Something snapped inside me; broke me. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“You’re gonna cry when I’m done with you, and you wanna know why? I’m gonna get inside your head, I’ll be in your head! “As I screamed, my voice became weaker; hoarser. I charged at him and tackled him, surprising him. I grabbed his head and twisted it until I heard a crack. That crack made me smile and laugh uncontrollably. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            After all of this, you know what I did? I ran. Heck, it was cowardly, but I still ran. That was the only smart thing to do in my head. I made it to a small shack in a forest. It was perfect since it was empty. I slowly creeped inside and found a small bed and a table with various items on it; a water bottle, a candle and a lighter on it. Since today had been a long day, I found it time to rest. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “I’m all inside your head. I’m you.” The voice came back to me, this time louder, waking me up with a yelp. I stayed quiet after he said that, hoping it was over now. As I began to sit up once again, a strange wind passed by me. I quickly stopped and looked around. The room went silent for about five seconds, until suddenly, footsteps upon wooden boards slowly creaked, its echoes filling the room. Then a bang came upon the door. Then silence. I stood there, waiting for this man to get me now, to kill me. At least, that’s what I assumed. When I thought the close was clear, things only went downhill from there. A flash of light along with a screech was played as a figure pushed me down. It was too dark though for me to see the figure again. It kept me down upon the bed. Another flash of light, and I could faintly see the figure holding a knife. In the darkness, I slowly felt metal being placed upon my forehead. As it slowly came down, I made it out to be a blade. I would’ve struggled, but I couldn’t move. I screamed a scream that was blood-piercing, but it seemed like no one heard my cries. The blade slowly moved down through the middle of my eyebrows and ending at the side of my cheek. Hot tears finally emerged from my eyes, burning my face as they rolled across the fresh wound. Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands yank open my mouth, cracking the bones slightly, giving me immense pain. I screamed and cried even more as the blade cut into my gums and my teeth being carved out. I suffered for a long ten minutes through this until each and every single tooth had been shaped into carnivorous fangs. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“Just let me go…” I begged. I was alone. In the dark. I sat up and hopped out of the bed. In the darkness, I tiptoed slowly, being cautious so I won’t bump into anything. As I approached my door, the knob turned and it creaked open. It was loud, scaring me. No one was there though. I continued on my way, walking out into the dawn, where the sky was only a little lit up as the sun rose over. As I continued on my way, I began approaching near a small pond. Suddenly, it was if I had teleported onto my knees over the pond. I widened my eyes as I stared at my reflection. All the color in my skin was gone. Around my mouth was blood and cuts at each side of it as well. As I opened my mouth in awe at this, blood came pouring out of my gums. I yelped at the sight before me. I couldn’t believe the sight before me. This couldn’t be me. I blinked my brown eyes fast as I examined myself. My reflection suddenly moved on its own and came out at me, grabbing my face. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">“You. Are. Me.” It was the same raspy voice as before. He kept repeating that; “You. Are. Me. You. Are. Me.” It just wouldn’t stop. It hurt my ears to hear it over and over and over again. As I looked at him though, I felt like I was looking at myself. I tilted my head to the side, and the words that came out of my mouth surprised me. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            “I am you.” I said. He then smirked, but that’s when I realized, it was me who was smirking. As I did, where my eyes were once brown completely faded to black. Just as that did, the white in it faded to the black as well. ''

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            <span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">            Fingers typed on a keyboard as the policeman spoke; “March 2nd, 2015. A couple was murdered in sleep at 890 Hardtz Ave. by a young man. His face was unidentifiable by neighbors, but all that was known was grey skin, grey hair and a bright, purple set of headphones. He was also heard singing “American Pie”. More information is to come in this investigation.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">I felt bad for my parents, but I knew I had to. They’d never survive anyway with me around. Anyway, I sat on the mountainside with a grin on my face and headphones on my head. I sang my new favorite song; “American Pie” ''

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center;line-height:normal;background:white;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;color:rgb(34,34,34);">A long, long time ago I can still remember how That music used to make me smile And I knew if I had my chance That I could make those people dance And maybe they'd be happy for a while ''

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center;line-height:normal;background:white;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;color:rgb(34,34,34);">But February made me shiver with every paper I'd deliver Bad news on the doorstep I couldn't take one more step ''

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center;line-height:normal;background:white;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;color:rgb(34,34,34);">I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride something touched me deep inside the day the music died so ''

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center;line-height:normal;background:white;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;color:rgb(34,34,34);">Bye, bye Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye Singin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;">''<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">No one really knew what was going on in my mind. After all, no one can know what anyone’s mind is like. My mind was filled with insanity. I didn’t even know it, until he showed me. He showed me what was all bottled up inside. Now, it’s time to face the consequences. He showed me that not only am I him, but I am a new me. Who am I? I am Greyscale. ''

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:17.1200008392334px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">(If needed, below are some visuals I have provided of him) 

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:0.5in;"><span style="font-size:20pt;line-height:28.533332824707px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',serif;">   <ac_metadata title="(Unreviewed) Greyscale {New Pasta}"> </ac_metadata>