Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29076144-20160715191116/@comment-25024572-20160728143104

Alright, I'll admit, I didn't read the previous draft. This recent draft is the first one I've read. And my thoughts on it, in a nutshell, are, "eeeehhhhhhhhh..."

Ok, let me elaborate. First, the formatting. On the Creepypasta Wiki, you don't indent paragraphs. Instead, you space them out. So this:

"  I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight.

      I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. "



Becomes this:



"I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight.



 I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. "



 Also, the text was really tiny for some weird reason, which made it hard to read.



 Now, let's talk a bit about spelling and grammar. I noticed the beginning and end had some issues there. For example:



 " I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing; but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting thought, especially deer hunting."

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> It should be:

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> " I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting though, especially deer hunting."

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> The semicolon becomes a comma, and the "thought" becomes "though."

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> There's also a part where you mention that people hunted on Sam and Will's property. Or, rather, that people hunt the property itself. You forgot a word, which gives me the amusing mental image of some Elmer Fudd looking schmuck in camo hunting a house.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> Also, you kept confusing to and too in the beginning and end. I can't quite define all meanings of "to," but "too" means also. For example:

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> "I like to devour the souls of the innocent too."

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;"> Now that we've got formatting, spelling, and grammar out of the way, let's talk about the story.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">Minor disclaimer: I don't hunt. Well, I don't hunt animals. I hunt pussy, but not the animal kind. (Rimshot) So anything regarding hunting here I'll accept as fact because I don't know shit.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">Personally, I found this story to be boring. Maybe it's just a me thing. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it felt like not much happened. Main character and his buddies go to some cabin in the woods, main character locks his keys in his car like a dumbass, main character and friend find dead wolf, the two go back to cabin, one friend is kidnapped, main character goes to moonshine makers house, finds dead bodies and monster, tries burning monster alive, finds friends' corpses, goes to car, finds monster, and then cuts to fishing.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">Yeah, that ending was kind of weird. I remember reading somewhere that the ending had some deeper meaning or something, but I didn't see it. It was just this extremely traumatic event for the main character, then fishing. Weird.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">Anyway, back to my early point about being a bit boring. Personally, I wasn't really all that sucked in. I wasn't really attached to any of the characters, mainly because there wasn't much to them. Yes, Sam and Will were given traits, but those weren't really displayed that much (except for maybe when Will was kind of an asshole). And I can't begin to tell you much about the main character. Well, except that he likes fishing.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">I wasn't really invested in these characters, so I wasn't all that invested in the story. And most of the beginning/middle was just fishing and hunting. Like I said, I don't hunt, and I don't fish either (I have fished before, but I find it boring), so what they do isn't a big deal to me.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">I'd also like to address the monster. You actually describe it pretty well, and it works for a monster. And...yeah. Nice monster.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">There's not much else I can say. The story isn't awful; there's a beginning, middle, and end, the story is resolved, the characters aren't irritating, the typos don't really impede understanding, the story is, for the most part, competently written, and the monster's pretty cool.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">Really, you just need to work on spelling, grammar, formatting, characters, and making the ending make sense. And...yeah.

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;color:rgb(212,212,213);-webkit-text-stroke:rgb(0,0,0);font-size:12px;line-height:normal;font-family:Helvetica;">