Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5462912-20170821101838/@comment-5462912-20170823164200

Helel ben Shahaar wrote: Hmm. It has good potential, but I advise you to add more details. Thank you! Glad to hear that.

First and foremost, we need explanation, straight-forward or subtle, why did the game behave as it did when Kane played it. Ambiguity is good when dealing with critters, but in this case, it isn't really scary. This is actually the point I mentioned to ChristianWallis about the point I want to enforce. The explanation that I want to come across is that the game is not haunted. My goal point is that the game itself is innocent and doesn't have any of the details Kane mentioned in reality (as in, Kane is not sane), but at the same make it so that the reader is either led to believe that Daniel was malicious or Kane is insane.

To try to get that point across, first off the game terminated easily through Alt+F4 and did no damage to the computer at all. Secondly, Daniel's playthrough actually showed none of what Kane saw. However, I did fear I didn't get the point across and that's why I passed by here first.

Add a bit more blood and gore and/or psychological terror. Make the reader scared. But before you do, ask yourself: "What would scare me?" And when you come to conclusion, incorporate it into story. Funny enough, before I came here, I was told to tone down the blood and subtly hint at the black girl eating the red-white girl. It is lacking in terms of blood and gore because it is mostly subtle. However, I can put them back in if need be (without overdoing it). As for the pyschological terror, that's a good idea to emphasize how much Kane is afraid of the game. Or rather, how his insanity is driving him this way.

And this here could help you with the grammar: Your grammar is rather good now, but it may come in handy in future. Thank you. I should check it later.

Good luck! Again, thank you for the feedback! I hope to see what suggestions you have in response to the ideas I put forth in this message.