Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20171229192845/@comment-26399604-20180125020819

Whew! Sorry for putting this off for so long. I never forgot; in fact, I actually read it the moment you posted the second draft, but I wanted to re-read it again at a later time after processing the story. So, let's begin!

First-off, you certainly beefed-up the story from its previous draft: adding escalation in the symptoms, more interactions with Jordan, and a few more details of the wiedergänger (nice little touch with the name too). It doesn't feel like a sequel which I believe is what you were going for and feels like its an extension in its own right.

I will note that I was a little confused on the first interaction of Jordan calling the protagonist, which happened to be after his encounter with the wiedergänger. Was it simply coincidental or did Jordan have one of those "linked friend" moments and felt the need to call him? I only ask that because Jordan initiates the conversation, asking if he's okay. It was kind of fuzzy if that wasn't the case. Of course, it is possible, the protagonist answered the phone in a panic state, prompting the question...

This brings me to my next point. I feel that first conversation would work better if you actually show us the interaction. A conversation sprinkled in a story always spices things up and this is an important one I feel would work better shown rather than told. Furthermore, this would clarify my question above.

Not much to pick at in corrections except two areas:

+“What did you see[?]” I quickly text back, gripping my phone.

--''This next one is more on a sentence that came off a bit clunky to me and excessively wordy. I think it could be revised and trimmed down to get the same point across. Below, I wrote a more fluent example to help it roll off the tongue more. (Not telling you to use my example, but I think the sentence should at least be reworded to feel less clunky)''

Current version:

+Tightly holding my blanket, I shivered and was trying to keep my heart from leaping out of my chest by staying as calm as I could.

Revised example:

+Gripping my blanket, I shivered, trying to keep my heart from leaping out of my chest, attempting to remain calm.