Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-26112985-20151231222031

Vngel W wrote: Hi SnakeTongue,

I must say I almost forgot about this story when you provided a "teaser" for it awhile back. When I saw that you finished it, I immediately had to jump on it. If there is one thing I love, is a nice long story!

First, I will have to applaud you on a wonderful piece of work very well written. Your descriptions were colorful (not just in the violent moments hehe) and certainly painted the atmosphere and the emotions enveloping the character. I think my favorite parts of the story include his first encounter with Castor in his true form and the one in his "human" form. Those two moments I believe embody the very nature of demons - horrid and their deceptively cunning nature.

Second, John's slow decent into his grievance I believe was well depicted, even his suicide was justified properly. You a saw a family man seemingly watch himself from the outside literally mutate into something even his wife began to feel distant to. First person perspective was definitely the best decision for this story to understand that.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the last two murders, it was almost as if Castor stepped away from his usual possession. It gave the impression that moving forward he would no longer need to control John's actions for future murders - having John realize that what he was doing was for his family. Had he not decided to commit suicide (and the outburst against his wife), I believe John would have continued the murders all the same to prolong his life to extend his time with his family without Castor's influence. If that would be the case, then Castor seemingly was molding him to do his bidding regardless, having slowly filled John with emotions of joy during the killings - which might have had long term effects. Just a cool thought I had. I don't believe that was the true case obviously, but kind of cool if it were.

Overall, this was a nice realistic take on a deal with a demon, and more so a different take on the possible motive behind serial killers. What if this was reason for such actions throughout the course of history? I will admit that I have a small infatuation to stories that deal with: angels, demons, God, etc. In the end, I enjoyed the story just as much as when you originally presented the tidbit of it. It had a lot of emotions enveloping the main character and a nice internal conflict of morality. Awesome job!

The last note I will bring up involves some errors I saw throughout the story which is understandable given its length. I noted the corrections within "[]".

--

+I was forced to look [upon]terrible images…

+Diane showered me with her love, kissing me all over and asking again and again[,] “Are you all right?”

+I smiled at him, stroking his hair and responding [,]“Yes, of course I will Chris. I can still do that.”

+When I shook the jacket out it the spider hit the ground and began to scuttle towards a crack in the floorboards.

+I was cast from [God's] sight for a sin that I had never even committed

+And trust me when I [say] that this is something you need

+I wanted to spend every last living [moment that] I possibly could with my family, but if my curse got the best of me, that would not be possible.

+I had made a deal [with] a demon.

+My legs gave out from underneath me, and I sat there, thinking for what [seemed] like hours.

+I eventually parked on the side of the [sidewalk] by the all but deserted warehouse districts that lay on the outskirts of Raleigh.

+Because of this, I found myself not really wanting [to] take action.

+It looked like there was hope for me yet. Through the terrible deed that I had sewn and the trauma [that it] had inflicted in my brain, I could still live a happy life. +“Sure son,” I replied, letting him drag me into the living room, safe from the ears [of] his mother.

+The thing is, since you already knew it was going to be [hard], you’re brain prepared you for it.

+I was about to [cut] all of that short, and for what? My own welfare?

+This girl was no older then eighteen [at] best.

+The brunette, Sally Everheart, and the Blonde, Amber Christie, [were] the two final victims required to cement myself as the unknown killer who was striking terror in the heart of urban North Carolina.

+You’re lying and you know it[,] John. Please. I’m begging you. See a doctor.” “I’m not going to do it [,]Diane.”

+She had made me sit down, looked me in the [eyes], and beseeched me to please stop. I'm glad you enjoyed this peice! It was very fun to write the whole way through (Though, I'm still not completely finished.) Castor was my favorite part of writing this, and I'm happy that carried over into your reading.

I never really thought of the theory that Castor was mentally preparing John to kill on his own. Still, that is pretty interesting, and it's cool you thought of that.

I've fixed up all the errors you mentioned, thank you!