Talk:Her Picture

A pretty ambitious work. Here are a few things I noted as I went through. The plot is interesting (if a little uninspired in terms of the premise), but fine details of the story are littered with odd justifications and handwaves. The bit "I was extremely strong for my age", for instance, is itself so strong that we expect it to be important. It isn't; it's just a throwaway line to explain going from point A to point B. For the same reason, the old woman's sudden coincidental appearance near the end seems unnatural and contrived. (For that matter, why would she scream at him and then sigh like an exasperated teacher ten seconds later?)

You lapse into purple prose at a few points, like the "potential reality" of "structural integrity", when things could be stated much more simply. The entombed woman's hurts are almost all related to her face, as if you wrote it with, like, MAXIMUM PUNISHMENT FOREVER in mind. That is, they're a little excessive. :x Also, of course she'd be smiling. You told us she has a Glasgow grin cut in already.

OK, that's the complaining over with. (Wait - actually, the asylum life could use a little more elaboration than just one sentence. Now it's over with.) Good part is, you laid down some awesome imagery at points, and none of the above errors were particularly widespread or repeated. "A fist made of ice and crushed metal" is a hell of a metaphor. So, in short, glad I got to read it. Those are pretty much all easy fixes, so I hope all my bitching inspires you to take a second, revisionary run through the piece. GG, and welcome to the wiki. Javer80 02:21, January 17, 2012 (UTC)