Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29709755-20160919031031/@comment-28266772-20160921132046

snapping it's teeth -> its

and looking in the moonlight at the green mounds -> doesn't sound right

jolted him from his thoughs -> thoughts

A sudden spasm of terror that made him jump and clench his fists so he stood tense all over, taking short, agitated breaths while his heart pounded in his chest and his whole body trembled. -> doesn't sound right, I've highlighted the area in particular that catches me when I read it.

it's 35-pound body. -> its

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While this is fun I think it's not quite as well polished as the basement story I just took a look at. You're right that this has a strange in-between length where it's at once too short, and too long. I'd recommend commiting to this and making it a full length story with incremental moments of paranoia followed by fun moments of body horror. I wouldn't relent on the body horror aspect either - here we get a dog being crushed by a door and a man being crushed by unseen masonry, but there's more to be wrung from this premise than those two lonely moments.