Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5462912-20170821101838/@comment-28266772-20170823162032

I remember the day I made a visit to [visited] one of my friends. It has [had] been a while since I've [I’d] last seen, talked or hung out with him, and I had no doubt that he was beginning to wonder where the hell I've [I’d] been. [You need to sort your tenses out.] Like usual, we played games together. Later that night, just when I was about to leave, he was eager to get me to play a new game.

"Kane, can I have your flash drive? I want you to check this cool game out, but unfortunately I forgot to show it to you sooner."

"Huh. Hopefully it's not another one of your horror games, Daniel." '[Dialogue is stilted, unrealistic. Just feels weird]' I responded, not sure what to make of his sudden request. Knowing him, he loved watching me jump out of my seat from jump scares in [when playing] cheap horror games. And to be honest, I hate horror to death. [This is well established, no need to repeat]

"Not at all. It's a cool and difficult game that relies on your skills, wits, reactions and quick thinking." [he sounds like a bad advert]

"You know how that went last time Lazlo tricked me into playing a horror game."

"Yeah, I know, you told me all about it. You got into that fight, and Lazlo hasn't talked to you ever since. I assure you this is not a horror game. Trust me." '[again this just feels forced. Wouldn’t they both know this? Why are they saying things out loud that both of them know?]'

"Well, fine. There ya go." I pulled out a flash drive that I always keep in my pocket, a habit of mine. Within seconds, he had the thing plugged, and copied the game to it before unplugging it and giving it back. '[think about this sentence; you don’t need to tell the audience that this guy plugged the drive in to copy the game across. We know he didn’t do it telepathically. It’s up to you to bring important details to our attention, not assault us with mindless details]'

"It is better off if you discover the game yourself, Kane. All I'm gonna say is, good luck!" He talked with enthusiasm about the game. Though his explanation was kind of... well, why didn't he even bother to give me an idea about what the game had or what it was about? I was going to answer that question myself back at home. I put the flash drive into my computer and immediately loaded the game, expecting to get thrown into a difficult game [repetition; ‘game’], as I like challenges.

[that whole paragraph can be thrown out barring the last sentence]

---

Okay, so I can offer a full review another time but I’ll cut in with the basics.

First, go read all the advice pages and blogs on this site. They exist for a very specific reason and that’s to stop people saying the same things over and over. In this case, you need to write in a consistent tense, avoid repetition, redundancy (saying the same thing twice), don’t have forced dialogue where you have characters say stuff the other already knows, and try to write with a more natural flow. To address flow, read the work out loud.

Consider: Later that night, just when I was about to leave, he was eager to get me to play a new game.

Compared to: Later that night, before leaving, he was eager for me to try a new game.

But really, it all comes down to this; conciseness. You absolutely have to cut to the shit. All writers have to convince a reader to keep on going and that means not wasting their time. Mindless explanation and description of two kids chatting and exchanging a thumb drive is not going to cut it. Get to the point and get to it quickly. Do not waste your reader’s time. Write economically; make each word count. When I write I ask if every word contributes to either:

Developing character.

Establishing setting.

<p class="MsoNormal">Building a theme.

<p class="MsoNormal">Moving the plot forward.

<p class="MsoNormal">Building mood or atmosphere.

<p class="MsoNormal">Put simply, at this stage it doesn’t feel like you know what to include and what to cut. You need to keep practicing and reading vigorously to build those skills. It’s a fundamental requirement but by dedicating three hundred words to such a mindless nothing, while also having characters spell their thoughts out again and again, you betray the fact you don’t know how to trust your audience enough to let them fill the gaps it. That’s not a bad thing, it just means you need to keep practicing.

<p class="MsoNormal">Is this feedback unpleasant? Yes. But, we’ve all had shitty feedback here. No one is here to shit on you, we’re all here to help. It’s up to you to practice and work hard to move forward. In this example, I suggest you keep practicing, read the advice blogs, read every damned book you get, and keep trying.

<p class="MsoNormal">As it stands, this story has a long way to go.