Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33696343-20181115144801/@comment-33696343-20181118011919

NedWolfkin wrote: Spelling and Grammar Issues: The paragraphs could be broken up more, especially paragraph four which is an ugly wall of text. "suffer......" ellipsis is three periods and a space. "since its seen" should be "since it's seen", as "its" implies possessive and "it's" is short for "it is". " It wouldn't start up at al" you forgot the other L at the end of "all".

Plot Issues: The roads themselves sound like some kind of spooky roller coaster ride at a fair, the "Thanks for coming. Your lucky you made it out alive" pushes this even further (also it should be "You're lucky you made it out alive" your = possessive, you're = you are). If the main character knows these are hallucinations then why are they so scary to him? And who created these roads, what is their purpose? "If you have any sort of beverage with you, it turns into piss" that happens literally no matter where you're at (sorry, couldn't resist). Joking aside, you should probably tell us how the main character found out about Daeth Valley Drive. "Now there, shit went from 0 to 100 real quick" stuff like that makes your story feel like a Trollpasta. "there were dark figures surrounding my car." are dark figures considered a cliche yet? "I flickered my headlights on and off and they were startled by it." they didn't seem threatening at all, but this right here made them somehow sound even less threatening.

Plot Issues continued: "It was also very quiet so that made me think that something or someone was watching me." abandoned roads tend to be silent, also it would feel smoother mechanically if it were "someone or something". "I couldn't move for a straight 15 seconds" did you borrow Tom's (from Sonic.exe) watch that tells you the percise amount of seconds something lasts? "I had to sit and watch a hallucination of my parents being whipped and even worse, being raped." it's generally agreed that using rape for shock value never works. Ok, so the main character goes through this, gets a lot of money and goes to sleep. Kind of anti-climactic. "it was one of the best nights of sleep i've ever had. " as if what preceeded this didn't do it enough, this right here kills any potential scare factor.

Plot Issues Continued: The epilogue is pointless. The main character says it has been "8 years" which you say is 1998, but later he says it is 2007. That would make it 9 years. I understand the whole later-month problem, but I doubt anyone would give you that benefit of the doubt. "I have found out that it is now a tourist attraction." so they built a tourist attraction about it, on top of it? What? And after people have been known to die on it?

Honestly, it does feel like a Trollpasta. "0 to 100", "I was soon teleported into another dimension", "I had to sit and watch a hallucination of my parents being whipped and even worse, being raped.", "And also remember, stuff goes from 0 to 100 real quick". Yeah about the grammar errors, that was me since I was actually typing too fast.