Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26181085-20150407180904/@comment-26007602-20150407202703

I'd givethis a good read through. It outlines much of the problems your story contains.

Your story is already falling into the standard OC clichés mentioned in the above link; namely, abusive, drunk parents that are abusive for the sake of being abusive. This is a major cliché (Especially in OC pastas), and would immediately warrant your story for deletion.

Your grammar is fairly shoddy in most places as well. You need to capitalize the beginning of all dialogue and start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. I'd give this a run through Word or another word processor to find all the grammar mistakes (As they are numerous enough to impede progress throughout the story).

Your tense seems to switch from present to past very sporadically; you'll need to decide on one for the final draft.

There is a huge gap between the last paragraph and second to last paragraph. this story is told in first person; it seems strange that your character would skip over the part where he murders his mother and... that other guy. It's there to be vague and "suspenseful" for the reader, but it just doesn't make sense in the context and is more jarring than scary.

I must also say that your character is not relatable, admirable, or pitiful; he is just obnoxious. The amount of nonsensical swearing he does is really grating and makes me dislike him; something I don't think you intended to do.

There's not much I can really say; this is a very typical, poorly written, OC story. I'd read through that link above for tips on how to better improve the story, as it should be able to provide some guidance.