Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20180714064900/@comment-36160783-20180714071448

Sentences that I noticed could use change

"They'd be coming on soon enough, but he was a bit uneasy, though." Just take 'though' out of the sentence entirely, you already said 'but'.

" It seemed quite odd to him that he'd already walked so far in just a couple of minutes, but his calculation of just how much time had elapsed changed when the Sun disappeared behind the tall trees in the distance that bordered the neighborhood." -- I'd reccomend cutting the sentence off sooner, it starts to drag. Like just end it with 'Sun dissapeared behind the trees' instead.

You have Carl bounce between speaking aloud and thinking to himself, and personally I think it would be better to just have him thinking these things in his head. Most normal human beings don't say things like "But from where? And who could it be?" aloud, they just think that in their brains.

I thought the line where Carl didn't know that the plural of 'moose' is 'moose' was sort of forced, and did not fit the tone at all. Up until some parts at the end, I felt that the entire thing was meant to be serious and suspense-building.

Frankly, I'm a little confused at the ending. I sort of understand the two dudes watching Carl's ghost, but the whole thing with there being an old woman and everything just detracted from the focus. Why not have something more depressing and realistic have happened to Carl, like he was hit by a car and left mangled? Having him killed by random old ghost woman didn't add much of a scary factor, it felt more comedic.

I think try and maintain a serious tone throughout the story. The casualness in the conversation at the end kind of breaks the somber mood.

The ending was a little bit of a strange cutoff, like you were setting the reader up for a novel instead of finishing a short story. Maybe try and give it a more definitive ending, unless you really are planning on continuing it!