Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25623211-20141104184838/@comment-24056975-20141105233312

 I liked this story, it was very dreamlike. The supershort form is also a style I enjoy.



 You have a good way of suggesting things without saying too much, like the wife's previous issues.



 I don't have any major changes or feedback to suggest, just a lot of minor notes and suggestions.



 Notes by paragraph:



 1. The first line reads a bit wierd. Maybe break strange off and put it on its own. "I woke up. Strange. I'm..."



 "Why did she make me get that." is a question and should end with "?"



 I'd swap the comma for a period in "Ticking so loud, Ticking." You already have the capitalization.



 Did you consider writing out the ticking, tick-Tick or some other onomotopea? Use it between paragraphs or wherever dramatically useful.



<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-204" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-204" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 2. Your second paragraph needs to be reworked. Aside from some strange wording, it sounds like the narrator's hoping she hurt herself. Also, I dislike semi-colons and generally advise against them. You used it right, so I can't really complain too loudly.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-206" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-206" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-207" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-207" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 3. You misused ironic. You didn't even misuse it the same way everyone else misused it. If you must have two adjectives, I'd suggest hollow for one of them. On that note, I can't say I like loud so much either, but I appreciate the repitition.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-209" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-209" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-210" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-210" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> There should be a comma after "no" in "No not important."

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-212" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-212" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-213" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-213" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> "I rushed our our room.?" Should this be "out of our room?"

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-215" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-215" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-216" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-216" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> You could cut "but stopped barely outside the door." It doesn't really add anything, and cutting it stops an overly long sentence.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-218" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-218" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-219" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-219" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 4. In keeping with this piece's hectic, almost stream of conciousness style, break "A heartbeat" off from the rest of the sentence by replacing the comma with a period.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-221" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-221" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-222" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-222" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> The "Why couldn't she wake me..." sentence should end in a "?" I'd also suggest splitting it at the comma again.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-224" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-224" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-225" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-225" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> Change the question about the ticking getting louder to a statement. Or a statement preceded by the question.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-227" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-227" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-228" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-228" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 5. Consider replacing that first comma with a period. Read it out loud an pick what one sounds better to you.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-230" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-230" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-231" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-231" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I actually like the run on "and did I have a wife?" sentence.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-233" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-233" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-234" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-234" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I'd cut the word "just" from "She just captivated me with..."

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-236" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-236" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-237" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-237" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> Don't overdo the semi-colon. A period would do just fine here and make the last sentence of the paragraph a stronger statement.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-239" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-239" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-240" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-240" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 6. Wait, she had green eyes in the last paragraph, but now one's a copper clock? Use verdigris to your advantage here. She pulled her bangs back to reveal what I took a green eye to be a tarnished copper clock-face. <p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-242" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-242" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-243" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-243" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> "Bad" is such a weak adjective to use here. Surly you can do better.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-245" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-245" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-246" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-246" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> "Sadly she ,add me look away..." Is this supposed to say "Sadly she had me look away." Also, "she bade me look away" may be a stronger word choice if you don't mind words that are no longer in common use.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-248" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-248" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-249" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-249" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I'd change "children" to "daughter" because you already mentioned the narrator's daughter and thus gave her slightly more relevence in my mind than any other children. One person's a tragedy, a million's a statistic and all that.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-251" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-251" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-252" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-252" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 7. There's a black scrollbar with the text in it here. Normally, I love playing with the medium but this seems unintentional. It is more tedious to read than the rest.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-254" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-254" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-255" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-255" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I do like that it hides the narrator's death from spead readers, so it is somewhat surprising. However it doesn't fit with the rest of the story. If you did this on purpose, please tell me how because it would be fun to experiment with somehow.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-257" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-257" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-258" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-258" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I'd replace "gonging" with chimes or some other word. Gonging just doesn't sound right to me. I'd also replace ", now I knew it came for her." with "and I knew it called for her."

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-260" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-260" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-261" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-261" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> The word is thrust, not thrusted.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-263" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-263" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-264" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-264" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> I'd drop the word "somehow," and the words "for something." Less is more, leaving it open for the reader is more effective than admitting you don't know why.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-266" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-266" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-267" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-267" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> 8. I liked the ending. I might suggest playing up the fact that the narrator was more pained by her disappearance than his own death, but don't go too over the top with it.

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-269" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-269" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;">

<p class="qowt-stl0" id="E-270" qowt-divtype="para" qowt-eid="E-270" style="list-style-type:none;margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman',Tinos,'BaskervilleOldFace','BellMT',serif;font-size:10pt;"> Hope this helps.