Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25606338-20141101101957

Hello, It's my first story and I need opinions and inputs on what aspects I should focus on. Thanks.

20th may, Evening
He ran. He ran for his life. He could see death engulfing him every ending second. Yet he ran. He ran from the terror chasing him. His five senses told him he was safe, but he knew in his heart that his clock had started ticking. As he darted towards the turn of the dark alley, his mind reeled back to the dreadful images from morning. He saw his friends’ bodies float in a pool of blood. Each body was violated horrifyingly. His best friend Mike’s limbs lay five feet from his torso. Mixed emotions of disgust, horror and rage overcame him when he saw them. He could not help himself but puke near the crime scene. His fear brought him back from his memory and he was panting. He stopped to catch his breath and hid himself. His tired body could not take it anymore, so he slumped in the dark corner beside the bin.

The lights around the corner he’d just crossed flickered and went out; panicked, he got up to run again but this time he felt a sharp pain above his ankles and fell down. He realized he could not feel his feet. Unable to get up, he crawled forward pulling out his father’s gun, fired a few shots in the dark but to no avail. He recalled the sight of bloodshed, the torture his friends had suffered, he could not imagine himself going through that. He swallowed the lump in his throat, closed his eyes placing the muzzle at the side of his head and pulled the trigger. Only it did not fire. Instead a spray of blood painted his side of the face. His hand was cut clean, before he could process it; his shoulders were slit and his arms were rendered useless. He could not move anymore, all he could do was wriggle and tears crawled down his face. He was terrified of what was going to happen. He screamed for help, pushed himself but in vain. Suddenly, he felt a cold touch on his forehead and his mind began to burn followed by his shrieks that echoed through the alley.

19th may, Evening
Mike and his friends came back to their rented garage after partying and were far from sober.

“Do you have the keys, I might have forgotten them at my home”, said Luke.

“You bonehead, all you care about is chicks and drinks. Use your head sometimes. Now how are we gonna dope up? All the pot is inside”, rebuked Mike.

“Chill dude. Me and Luke here will go and try something out from the backdoor. You stay here”, saying this, Jed took Luke and went to the backside of the store.

After a few minutes there was a thud from the garage and a squeal for help from Luke. Mike hurried to the backdoor holding a baseball bat from the truck. He slowly went in and looked around to find nothing but squirming body of Luke and Jed splayed over the table. Before he could react, Mike found himself on the ground and he tasted blood. He felt a liquid flowing down his neck. He thought he was gonna die. He tried crying for help but nothing came out. He caught his neck to find a very small cut on it. His legs were paralyzed down his knees followed by arms. He was struck on his shoulder by something sharp and wide and was dragged near Luke. Luke cried for help again but the isolated shack they so desired became their curse at the moment. Their only company was petrifying horror of the night.

19th may, Morning
She woke up with a painful headache. Something felt strange. She could not quite point on it but she could have sworn something was off. She blamed the drinks she had last night. She concluded that it was a hangover. She never drank before. She was a dignified daughter of Adams family till yesterday. She felt a dizzy feeling and her vision was foggy. This was new to her. She used the walls to guide herself to the ground floor. Her parents left her alone at home after a long time and she was going to graduate in medicine this week, so she found a nice excuse to throw a party yesterday night. Her home was a disaster. She had vague memories of her last night. It felt like her memory was broken into fragments. Almost everyone left after twelve. She could gather a few glimpses from last night. She remembered she sat with Zach and his friends for a round of vodka which did not stop with a single round, but it begin to hurt to recollect last night. She left it alone. She would ask them when they meet. When she got to the ground floor, she found the main door wide open. She cursed the last one to exit and looked around if any robbery had taken place. It did not seem so. Her yard was even more wasted, with the mess from last night’s party. As she stepped out on the road she felt her headache turning into a migraine. Her dog approached her tentatively and whimpered as he closed the distance. She made a note to clean the mess before it could make her dog sick.

She went to canteen and found it active as always. She called out to her girlfriends sitting on the front table. They were whispering to themselves ignoring her. She tried again and they did not care. She realized that she must have done something yesterday, so shameful that even her friends were cold towards her. She needed to ask Zach about yesterday’s events as she could not remember herself. She found Zach and his pack at the last table. He sat far from her side with his wicked smile that made her fall from him. She was afraid of a cold reaction from them too so she was reluctant to confront them given the circumstances and decided to eavesdrop on what they were discussing hoping it would help her sort out the mystery. They seemed exuberant about something. She carefully sat behind Luke without them noticing and could partially listen to their conversation.

“…. It was awesome man…… I knew it was worth it………….” Luke giggled.

“And guess what? The bitch even had a stash ………….” snickered Mike.

“Now wait, Kathy would not have let us in, if it were not for Zach. So kudos to Zach.” And Jed raised his glass.

Kathy got up from her seat and tried snatching Jed by his neck to ask what happened. But her hand passed through him as if he was a hologram. She was shocked.

“Thanks, man. Sluts like her will get what they deserve.” Zach clanked his glass to Jed’s followed by the other two.

Kathy went to Zach and threw her fist at him, but it only passed her hand through him. Slowly realization dawned on her. She quickly ran to her home and climbed to her room to find her pallid body splayed oddly over her blood soaked bed. A butcher knife from her kitchen was stuck to her neck. Bruises were visible where blood failed to cover her body. Her legs were bent at an unnatural angle. At this scene, her mind suddenly snapped and her memory started to crystallize from the previously broken fragments. She was lurched back to yesterday night. She welcomed her boyfriend and his friends after everyone left. They had drinks and Zach nodded to everyone else. Mike pounced on her and others followed him. They took her to her bedroom and stuffed her torn shirt into her mouth. She was moaning then she started kicking helplessly and tossing on her bed. Zach was watching her quietly and brought her ear near him and whispered

“Kathy darling, calm down. This was inevitable when you started fooling around with Randall. You think I did not know. If you felt unsatisfied with me, you should have told me. Now see, I’ve brought my friends to satisfy you…” as he went on, tears rolled down Kathy’s face. She hiccupped and moaned again. She tried to kick away Mike who was holding her legs and he shouted slapping her

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Bitch, we want a squealer not a fighter. Just lay there moaning while we get down to our business.”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Cool down Mike, last year she went on and on about how knee caps are important for movement. Let’s test it now.” Zach calmly suggested.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Mike went out the room and came back with a hammer and a knife from her kitchen. And Kathy was left to their devices all night. She wanted to scream for help but as they switched and took turns to violate her, she wanted to beg them to kill her. But she could not utter a word. She just suffered with groans and squeals. After they had their fun, Mike went on to experiment on her till the excruciating pain dried her eyes out of tears and then delivered the final blow with a wide grin stuck to his face.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Kathy snapped back to present and the gruesome display in front of her. She was boiling with rage. She was disgusted with the brutality. Images of Mike and Zach clawed her mind and raked it. A violent storm had engulfed her, she was craving with blood-lust. She wanted their blood. But it struck her that she could not even touch them. She was infuriated with her helpless condition. She strolled up and down and finally out of frustration took the lamp by her bedside and threw it against the wall. The shattered pieces covered the floor. As she calmed down she saw the shattered pieces of lamp she threw. She realized something and went to grab the knife from her throat. She could feel it and she drew it back to herself. She was elated to see the knife in her hand and she stormed out of her home with a grin that could scare the bravest of all.

20th may, evening
<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Zach suddenly snapped back from Kathy’s apartment to the alley and found a beautiful girl in front of him. She was glaring at him mischievously.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“It’s not possible! You are not real. Mike killed you”, trembled Zach.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Yeah he did a pretty good job, you know. I always wondered why you hanged out with him. Now I know why” she snickered.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Zach tried to crawl away but could not; his arms and feet were numb.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Oh darling, don’t try running away. It’s of no use. I slit your tendons. No matter what you do you can’t escape. You see I never could have imagined my medicine training could be used this way. But you gave me that idea on that dreadful night. You must be wondering how I am visible to you. I dragged a part of your soul to my world when I touched your forehead to let me have fun with you. Yeah, I know weird, right? I am a simpleton you see. It took me quite some time to realize I am a ghost and realizing what I could do. You should thank your best friend for training me. He helped me practice a lot of stuff yesterday. I thought of finishing him off instantly but after watching Jed lay there motionlessly, it felt like a life wasted for nothing. So Luke and Mike became very good subjects for learning my new abilities. Do you see this knife, dear? Yes it’s the same knife that carved me elegantly and it has tasted your friends too. Though it is not as effective as a scalpel it does have its ………..”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Zach screamed for help while she went on explaining.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Now don’t you scream like that. I did not slit your vocal cords like I did to Luke and Mike because I loved you then and I love you now. I wanna listen to your sweet voice till your last breath. We are gonna have a party dear”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">Zach groaned as she approached him raising the butcher knife.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“No… No… please..”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Oh, look how sweet your voice is. Now I’m gonna slice the femur slowly. They have nerve endings which makes it the most sensitive part. I hope you enjoy it.”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“I’ll……. kill you bitch”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">“Oh, don’t bother darling. Thanks to you, I’m already dead.”

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">She lunged for his legs and his screams could be heard for half an hour till the silence overcame it.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">-The End--- <ac_metadata title="{Unreviewed} Feedback needed. It&#039;s my first story."> </ac_metadata>