Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26008088-20170328033459/@comment-26399604-20170328155011

Hi Ace,

In this review, I am going to focus exclusively on the plot, seeing how the story suffers from proper setting and build-up. There's nothing wrong with short tales, but this one doesn't really give enough information to justify the ending.

--Intro--

In the introduction, you establish the protagonist as a 'rebellious-type' of a person. However, it comes off as irrelevant information because it doesn't really do anything for the plot. The only other time it is brought up again, is through the dialogue to the manager, but even there it has no place.

If this is pertinent information, I recommend finding a way to truly incorporate it into your story. Show us that this character is rebellious. Give us past examples or even present ones. What makes this character defiant, and why is important to the story? Or rather why does it need to be included in it? If being defiant has helped this character progress we need to see examples of it so we can see its place in the current plot.

The portion about college can be summed up in sentence or two. Unless, that information is really needed for the plot, it's useless really. It could have easily been summed up as: Thankfully, I managed to graduate college with a degree (NOTE: a diploma is for high school) in Computer Science, and was ready to take on the working world!

--Job Scene--

This is obviously what the story is clearly about. However, you coast through this portion without any details, setting or tone. This is first area you want to really begin building up major plot points, so you should at least spend some time on it.

One of the first things you can touch-on is the type of job/company the protagonist is hoping to be a part of. The character earned a degree in Computer Science but there is no mention if that's the job field he is particularly applying to (not everyone is able to obtain a career in the field they studied in).

Recommendation: Describe the building, maybe even the area it's in. Is it a big city where a ton skyscrapers or businesses co-exist? Is this the only big company in the area? Try to paint a picture so we can get an idea of the location/building - remember this is essentially where the entire story takes place. What does the lobby look like? Is the atmosphere clean and white, or spacious?

For an extra touch, you can even have the protagonist meet an old college friend in the lobby. Maybe they can catch up a bit and through the dialogue we can learn a bit more about the main character. If this story is about a company that has a hidden, cruel work-environment, this would be a good way to see it by having the friend hint towards it while trying to maintain a positive outlook. This is an example but small bits of foreshadowing can really set up the tone of the story you're trying to convey.

When the main character speaks to the secretary, paint a picture of her and how she presents herself - this is another way to gives us insight on the company. A small adjustment I would recommend is to give the boss a name. If you're meeting up for an interview, even with a secretary, you ask for the manager by name: "Hi, good morning. I have a 8:00 appointment with John/Jane Doe."

Not only is this realistic, but you can provide more life in the dialogue. Right now, it's flat and bland. There's also no insight as to how the character perceives the everything around them or the people they could possibly interact with (again another chance at foreshadowing).

--The Interview--

The actual interview was very flat and very unrealistic. First, I recommend including a proper greeting. Unless this a specific culture or the manager has a germ phobia, he should greet with a hand-shake and even confirm the character's name. I'm not trying to insult your intelligence or anything, but small bits like this can completely break immersion of the story.

Moving on, there's no introduction to what the company is about or its objectives. Hell, I don't even think the protagonist knows what they are applying for. There's no way someone would higher a person who simply says there "rebellious". If anything that would incite a red flag and they would be asked to elaborate on it and most likely would not get the job.

However, if this company runs off a "rebellious" nature, again, there needs to be signs to show us that. Without it, it comes off as unrealistic and silly.

As it stands, the last bit from the man in the elevator doesn't sound like a warning but more like a guy who hates his job. If there were proper signs and build-up, his words would hold more weight. Honestly, even if they did, what would stop the protagonist from accepting the job? There would need to be something that would prevent them from leaving (income issues, medical bills, etc).

-- Summarize --

The story feels rushed with too many loopholes and unanswered questions. Stories can have these (although it's best that they don't), but too many can ruin it. This needs a lot of fleshing out and suffers from no real direction in its plot.

Do not let this discourage you. If anything, this is a greenlight too allow almost an endless amount of routes you can go to create the story you want, but you need to know what you want to relay to the reader first. Once you have that, I suggest creating an outline of all the points you want to establish and how you want to connect from one to the other.

Good luck!