User blog:Dorkpool/A Holiday Rant

So, I recently thought of Halloween, and decided to write something about it. I then blacked out, with only hazy memories of anger and profanity, and when I came to I saw I wrote something. I looked over it, and thought, “You know, this might be fun to share!”

Enjoy my hatred and anger.

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Ah, October. A month of pumpkins, spoop, and an excuse to walk around dressed as Spider-Man. Yep, the month of Halloween.

I love Halloween, perhaps more than Christmas. On Christmas you have to give gifts and listen to really crappy Christmas music. On Halloween you get to cosplay, get candy, and listen to some dopeass spook tunes. Screw “Santa Baby”! Give me more “Spooky Scary Skeletons”!

One of my favorite parts of Halloween is looking at all the costumes. Almost every store has some around this time, some with better selections than others. Honestly, the best ones to look out for are Halloween specialty shops that only pop up this time of year. Not Spirit, more a place with a big billboard exclaiming how a store to the right is selling costumes, and that store is right next to tourist outlet store. But I digress.

Anyway, on one of my merry little treks through Wal-Mart, looking for costumes and actual useful items, I spot something that assaults my eyes. Something that sickens me to my very core.

Christmas decorations. In October.

No. NOPE. Fuck that shit!

Listen, you store full of weirdoes and screaming children, I wait an entire goddamn year for fucking Halloween to come around. You better put your fucking A game into your Halloween shit, and not be distracted by Christmas.

Of course, it seems a lot of stores follow this trend for some godforsaken reason. I mean, there’s a store open all year called the Christmas Tree Store. Seriously. Hell, Old Time Pottery has Christmas shit in July. This is just off the top of my head. There are more I’m not listing.

No more! Fuck your Christmas shit! You may have overtaken Thanksgiving, but whatever. Thanksgiving is literally a holiday where we celebrate dead Indians by eating turkey and watching parades and football. Nothing all that special. But you do not get to take Halloween! I don’t want your happiness and good cheer! I want screams and some goddamn fear!

You hear all those white, right wing, FOX News asshats talking about keeping the Christ in Christmas. Honestly, I couldn’t give a microbe of a shit where you put keep Christ. Keep him up Father McFeely’s pedophilic ass for all I care. But you keep Christmas out of Halloween, alright (Nightmare Before Christmas is the only exception to this statement)? Jolly Old Saint Nick better keep his capitalist, elf-enslaving, chode of a Saint Dick out of my spooktastic holiday, you hear?

So, in conclusion, fuck you, people who stock early on Christmas stuff. And fuck your Christmas songs.