Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20170703000922/@comment-30891328-20170708180113

AViciousRainbow wrote: The concept is certainly eerie. However, I feel that there are a few things that need to be worked on.

Looking at the general plot, I'm a bit confused with the character John. There isn't really an explanation as to why John never came out. Assuming the resturaunt has served many customers, what is it about this particular person that would lead to him being captured? I think even just a little explanation (or even the protagonist making a theory) as to why John was captured would be beneficial. I'm also confused by the fact that the police didn't do anything to help John. Assuming that they actually saw something, why wouldn't they attempt to help him? He appeared to have gotten up quickly when the protagonist saw him without any retention. Something else that I find strange is how the protagonist didn't help him either. Obviously in that situation and in the heat of the moment it would be pretty easy to run away and kick John away, but wouldn't the protagonist feel the need to call for help once they got into safety? I feel like you could add some more information as to why things happened the way they did. Perhaps the police didn't see anything after all and that's why he was never helped. Maybe the protagonist didn't want to help him because it was obvious that it wasn't John anymore but some kind of freak. At least something to tie up some of these confusions would go a long ways.

There are also a few other things I find strange such as a person who is a young adult getting grounded (maybe I'm just being nitpicky here) as well as the ladder. I assume the hand that grabbed at the protagonist on the way out was the person that they couldn't remember (which I like that bit). I'm a bit curious to know why the ladder was there when it was stated to not have been there before. Honestly, I feel the part about the ladder seems rushed. It seems really convenient that a ladder was handily nearby and that the protagonist found it right away and escaped easily. There really was nothing mentioned anywhere that would make the ladder's existence to make sense. Perhaps a different way the protagonist escapes or even some sort of justification for the ladder.

I feel that there needs to be more buildup leading into the break in; it kind of just happens. Several years go by for an adventure that took only a minimal amount of prepartion and thought. I'd like to see how the protagonist really felt about the place throughout all that time. Obviously going on a potentially dangerous adventure like that would be result of more than just a little curiosity. I think playing around with some of the thought processes and the planning process would make the break in more exciting. Same goes for breaking out of the place; it just happens. No real struggle took place getting out. I know if I were to be in that situation, sure I may get out fairly easily, but in the process of being that freaked out chances are I would trip over things, knock things down, scramble for the ladder, etc. It wouldn't be such a clean getaway. Plus, I would be more tramutized after all of that. Parents most likely wouldn't be so dismissive unless there was a reason for them to be.

I won't get too much into grammar issues, but just make sure that everything is in the correct tense. Watch out for minor spelling issues (I see the word "barley" is in there instead of "barely" in one spot). Some sentences seem a bit lengthy, so double check for run ons, fragments, etc.

Just a minor nitpick, but I think the word "well" in the second sentence when describing the town seems to ruin the flow a bit. I almost wonder if the fact about the town eventually growing into a city is even worthy to mention at all.

I really enjoyed how you compared the way the protagonist was holding the flashlight to a gun. Try to find other ways throughout the whole story to do similar descriptions. As a whole, work more for less conventional words to have more impact. For example, words such as "walk" and "run" are obvious choices. Try similar words such as "crept" or "scrambled" or even "sprinted," words that carry more beef with them. Do that for a lot of the verbs. Small descriptions and variation in diction choices make for a more complex piece.

Overall, I like the concept. I think it needs to be exanded upon more; there is so much more than could be explained and so much more description that can be had. A situation like this may happen quickly, but when it's happening it may feel like an eternity. It seems like the protagonist is describing the whole event like a trip to an amusement park where there isn't a whole lot useful information to recount. When people describe terrifying events, they do so extensively. Almost every single detail is remembered almost photographically. Be sure to play around with that and really think about what it would be like to go through this situation. I am really curious to see what you do with this story and I would love to read it once it's fully completed. Thanks for the critism. However, not all creepypastas have explanations, I'm trying to make a good story that readers can make their own theories on. I do my own theories on other people's stories.