Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24983266-20140525190232/@comment-9967354-20140526114643

Another vigilante ghost, killing her killers. Maybe you'd meant for Carl to not be in the car but in the woods, waiting for her, but if the others were to follow, why did they kick her out, and not go after her while one parked the car? She could have surely escaped. Don't assume your readers know exactly what you're talking about, even if you're building to a mystery. Here, there isn't much of a build up. I think you write well, of course, because I don't see too many errors here, but maybe you could rephrase your story a bit.

Maybe you could begin with Oscar, I think his name is, yelling 'Get out!' and then go on about how she felt and what she thought about yadah yadah. Then drop in some hints about her, if not everyone's, personalities, and try to justify why her friends did what they did. It would help the story be more intriguing from the very beginning. You've not got much to say anyway, from what I've read, so hop right in! Also, the dates occur to me as a bit too sudden. Like, why are you telling us dates, again? Oh right, a guy died here. But if you're going to give us a formal introduction to what happened next to all the people, it stands out from the rest of the story in an abrupt way. I'd say the ghost wasn't a very good idea, but it was yours, and I can respect that. But you should try to work on your expression, so the story as a whole is a great read.