Channel ∞

There is a legend circulating around the television industry. It is about Channel ∞. Channel ∞ is hard to get to, and reports vary as to what it actually is. I will tell you what to do to get there and then what to do.

1) Acquire a television, preferably analog, and the older the better.

2) Acquire a remote control. It does not have to go with the television you are using.

3) Turn on the TV, and set it to a channel that is static, or just a plain black screen if you are using a digital TV. Basically any channel you do not receive.

4)Leave the room for about three hours. If you have a significant other in the house, have them with you. It is also best to call over a few friends.

5) During those three hours, you should acquire a few items. I will list them in order from the most important to the least. Note: None of these are mandatory, but they help.

6) You will want: 7) After roughly three hours have passed, re-enter the room. Have everyone else wait outside the door.
 * A item that you hold dear
 * two handheld mirrors
 * a firearm or other weapon
 * a favorite book
 * a mobile communications device
 * a key
 * a sledgehammer or pickax

8) Close the door.

9) Stare at the static or blank screen or whatever you set the TV to until you feel disoriented or freaked out.

10) Call the others into the room.

11) Give the item that you hold dear to the person that you care about the most in the room, then send them back out. If you did not grab an item that you hold dear, hug that person and whisper a secret in their ear.

12) Send them back out, and command them to not come back in no matter what until you open the door again. Note: This will be harder for them if there are more of them, but it will be safer for you if there are ore people. Trust me.

13) Hold the mirrors so that one is reflecting the television screen into the other, and the second is reflecting you, so it looks as if the television is behind you. Stay like this until a question appears on the screen. If you did not grab the mirrors, then sit in a chair facing away from the TV until you hear a noise.

14) Grab the remote. There will be a question on the screen. press channel up to answer yes, channel down to answer no. There will be anywhere from three to 26 questions, if reports are to be trusted. The questions will be anywhere from trivial to deep philosophic personal questions. Answer truthfully, or you will not succeed in reaching Channel ∞.

15) After the questions, one of three things will happen.

1. Your favorite show of all time will come on, but in the episode, all of the characters will be heart-wrenchingly killed.

2. A strange shimmery vortex will surround you, and you will be pulled into an alternate dimension. If you find yourself here, well, that's for a different story. But I can say that here is where you will need the mobile communications device, key, and sledgehammer or pickax. I will tell you what to do, but not here. I'll link it here once I write it.

3. You will see a picture of your least favorite person or thing ever. This is where you use the firearm or other weapon. Break the TV screen with the weapon. It will then fix itself.

After this, you will have reached Channel ∞. What you do now is up to you. If you go to the guide function, you will see shows listed such as "The Meaning of Life" or "How to Acquire True Love". Choose one. Note: The more people you have outside the door with determine the revelations that are the shows. The more people, the better chance you have of seeing shows with more life-changing results. Or, if you keep watching the static without going to guide or breaking eye contact with the television, you will see a series of images that will, if deciphered, will reveal the answer to your greatest question. There are, at this point, many options, too many to write here. Just do what you feel like you must, and something will happen. The overwhelming majority of things will be good, but some will be bad. You may leave the room at any point. However, there are two catches. You may never speak of what you learned after accessing Channel ∞, and you may only reach Channel ∞ four times in your life.

I hope you find the experience enlightening.