Talk:What We Think We Want/@comment-5733573-20180801055103

The actual story here isn't bad, but it needs some care and effort if it's going to be successful. First, anything before the cemetery incident needs to go. It just doesn't add anything to the story. Second, this story is being "told" right now, but not "shown." It feels like you're just sitting across a table from me telling me about stuff without any real passion. You need to take the time to build the setting and flesh out everything using the characters' senses. Take time with your next draft. Really craft the scene for us.