Talk:Caffeine/@comment-25383866-20151228110527

Welly. I'll start by saying that I loved the just straight-up bad information in this story. The bit about oxygen rich foods was hilarious.

However, this story has problems. There was a lot that prevented me from fully immersing myself in it and enjoying the read. The beginning was confusing and clunkily written; I had to go over it a couple times to understand what exactly you were trying to say. I think the biggest problem you have is word choice. The way some of your sentences are written is just nonsensical: "That was yesterday, though, nothing in this world is certain for very long." A better way to write this would have been "That was yesterday, though, and nothing in this world is certain." Minor difference but major effect.

As well: "So, while peddling as little gratification on your bedmate's behalf as possible..." I literally have no idea what you're trying to convey here. It really seems like you have a thought, and in trying to get that thought out, it trips over a bunch of other ideas on the way out and ends up pinwheeling like a snowball with all these other disjointed things hanging off of it that just aren't necessary.

You need to to work on your flow and your word choice. Often, simple is best; look at Steinbeck or Kesey or Hemingway and you'll see exactly what I mean. I tend to indulge in big words myself but I try not to use them superfluously (there! what a dick, right? haha).

Anyway. Good effort here, I liked the twisted metric this character follows to reach his conclusions.