Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25607874-20151221195246/@comment-24101790-20151221200407

Wording issues: "Silence was all that rang in my ears." and "he saw my fanged grimace spreading apart" come off as being awkwardly worded. Repetition issues: "I dashed further back in the bushes, completely out of sight." and "he approached the bushes, and I rapidly dashed further back." just seems like a redundant phrase. "A small pipe tore through it, just wide enough to fit through." You should really avoid repeating words like "through" multiple times in the same sentence and substitute it with another word. Also, the story takes place in the past, but dialogue would likely be in present tense. “Tommy? Was (Is) that you?”

Capitalization issues: "“Tommy? Was that you?” he (He) approached the bushes" That line of dialogue isn't connected to his action and is a new sentence. "“Tommy? Was that you?” he (spoke as he) approached the bushes" would work as it implies a continuation of the dialogue whereas your line seems more like two separate sentences.

Punctuation: commas used incorrectly "Then a loud snap, and a grin crossed my face." While "and" can be used as a conjunction, it typically is used in situations where a complete pause is implied. Try reading the sentence aloud for an example of where a pause is implied and where a comma should be used. Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "his friends blood-drenched hoodie."

Story issues: the story feels very rushed and is lacking in a lot of description that might make the story more effective. The twist feels shoe-horned into the story and could use a bit more build-up to be effective.