Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24881886-20140501211340/@comment-24077689-20140505180557

While this isn’t the worst pasta I’ve ever read, it’s certainly not the best.

It’s genuinely hard to read. Not because it’s creepy or disturbing, but because your poor grammar, your constant shifts in tense, confusing syntax. It’s really hard to get past it, I found myself having to reread sentences and paragraphs just to understand what the ever loving fuck you meant. This is a bad sign.

For example:

“…about here other than her mental illness. She had some kind of mental disorder or something like this, but i never saw her going insane (at least in front of people).”

I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say you’ve never actually met anyone with a mental illness. First of all, don’t fucking trivialize mental illness like you just did. It’s offensive. Second of all, not everyone with a mental illness “goes insane”. You do realize that depression, OCD, anxiety, insomnia, etc. etc. etc. are ALL FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESSES.

You talk about how she “swallowed words much”. Did you even proofread this fucking thing? Like, this isn’t even halfway in and I have a headache from all the glaring inconsistencies and the fucking ridiculous mistakes you’ve made. You don’t, for example, “discharge your mobile phone”. We live in 2014, you don’t have to specify that it’s a mobile phone.

While I’m on that line of thinking, you do that a lot. If you say she has a mental illness you don’t have to clarify with that asinine sentence that she has some kind of mental disorder. I’m not sure if you know what the word “redundant” means, but there are a fucking lot of redundancies in this story. Seriously, read this out loud, the wording of this story sounds ridiculous.

The tendency to pat the air? Uuuuggghhhh. And hey, look at you, reading big fucking Russian literature. I’m probably one of the only people here who’ve read The Master and Margarita. It’s so fucking trite that in this narrative you decide to throw out a reference to an obscure piece of Russian literature about a writer who’s writing a fictitious account of an obscure happening before Christ is crucified.

Dude, you’re probs getting fed up with this but READ YOUR GODDAMN WORK. PROOFREAD THEN PROOFREAD AGAIN. Did you just type this thing out and decide to tell other people to fucking fix it for you? That’s not what this forum is for. This forum is for writing help, we aren’t your fucking proofreaders, we can tell you your mistakes, but don’t expect us to fix them for you.

No, it’s not necessary to mention that the window was closed. I find it offensive that at every fucking turn of this story you seem to be questioning my intelligence. I’m a fucking grown man, I’ve had a college reading level since I was in the fourth grade, I can pick up on implications when you make them.

Wait. So are you guessing it’s a cat or is it an actual cat? Because so far you haven’t even implied that you’ve seen it. All the sudden it’s a cat right after you were questioning if it could possibly be a cat.

Oh wow! You’re using so many exclamation points, I might have a heart attack with how goddamn exciting this paragraph is!

From what I can tell, this narrator is a fucking asshole. There’s nothing that happened that would make him sleep badly. It seems like he’s just an intolerant fucking douchebag. Crazy old lady next door? Oh man, I know she has a mental illness, but I’m gonna call her a witch because she’s standing outside of my house. Once again, I don’t think you’ve known anyone with a mental illness. Have some fucking compassion.

“It was the last nerve straw to pull!” OH MY FUCKING GOD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Wait, wait, wait. So you’re saying a huge headline like that from a very small town that you found on the MOST ADVANCED search engine in the entire world just didn’t show up because it was “outdated” give me a fucking break.

So did she pass out or did she fucking die?

<p class="MsoNormal">I’m going with she died and you put not effort into this story.

<p class="MsoNormal">WAIT SO YOU’RE TELLING ME SHE FUCKING MURDERED SOMEONE AND YOU STILL COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ABOUT HER ON GOOGLE?

<p class="MsoNormal">She killed one person. That doesn’t make an MO.

<p class="MsoNormal">OH HO HO SHOCK ENDING THERE.

<p class="MsoNormal">I was right, this isn’t the worst pasta I’ve ever read, but it’s not the best. Nor is it good. Or passable. I was intrigued by the title, but you absolutely massacre this story with poor diction, syntax, grammar, confusing turn of phrase. It’s pretty clear that you didn’t put any effort into proofreading this. And I’m gonna say it again: We aren’t your fucking proofreaders, the writer’s workshop is here for us to help you become a better writer, not do the writing for you. So I’ll put it (more) bluntly: if you attempted to publish this on the main site it would be deleted almost instantly.