Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28467653-20160515214806

''NOTES: Hi guys, I'm both a newbie on this site and a foreigner who translates his pastas from a foreign language into English (it's only a second language for me), so I'd appreciate some help with this story. It has been deleted for not meeting quality standards, but since I couldn't find a reason why (I've read both the Quality Standards site and a couple of other pages, it was there that I saw I should post the pasta here, really hope I haven't misunderstood it...), I'd like to ask you guys to help me with this. Thanks in advance! :)''



Catherine arrived a few hours ago, her bags still in the trunk of her car, unopened. Will and Ruby gave her a quick tour around the town, showed her the few things that have changed in the last 20 years. Not like a lot of things have changed. The only important difference was on the corner of Fourth Street and Goodway, a huge, 40 feet wide hole, pitch black void in the middle of the town, without a visible bottom.

”What’s this?”

”No one knows. Some kind of a pit, maybe an entrance to a tunnel. It’s been here for a few years, but don’t try to go in there. Lot of people tried, nobody came back from there.”

”So what do you plan to do with it?”

”We dodge it.” says Ruby with a smile on her face, then she pulls her sister towards Silent park.

After the tour, they returned to the family house, which nowadays was led by Ruby instead of their mother, the voices of kindergarten children echoed in the unaltered rooms instead of their own. They looked pretty much like their parents, with the possible exception of Will’s perfectly white smile, which was absent from both of them.

The approaching evening found them in peace. They were in the dinner room, in the company of empty dishes and a beautiful pig on a silver plate. The children annoyed each other, while the adults were quietly laughing over the remnants of their dinner.

”And where is Greg? I haven’t seen him in ages.”

”Unfortunately, Greg doesn’t live here. In fact…” started Ruby, her voice unsteady, so Will had to end her sentence. ”…he was among those who’ve ventured down into the hole. We didn’t see him since.”

The kids continued scoffing at each other, without noticing the sudden silence in the room. After a while the adults followed their example, trying to look happy and forcing themselves to ignore the absence of a little, funny guy named Greg. Even humor found its way back into the conversation; it didn’t have to stay outside long enough to be frozen on the porch, in the middle of the foggy town.

Then the clock struck midnight.

The loud crescendo of an alarm crashed into the silence of the diner room. Will jumped up, ran outside the room, the kids gathered around their mother. A confused smile sneaked up on Catherine’s face.

All lights have gone out: Will drew the curtains, locked the doors and windows, then he turned off the alarm on his mobile. Suddenly, cemetery like darkness fell upon the house. Darkness and silence; silence, like in a midnight school.

After that, Will came back to the dinner room, and sat down besides Ruby. Catherine cleared her throat.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”What’s happening?”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”You’ll hear, soon.” said Ruby.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">They didn’t have to wait long. Catherine, though she couldn’t see the clock in the other side of the room, suspected that no more than 10 minutes have gone by. Then they heard a faint, indistinct noise in the distance. It approached slowly, from a single source, then it split, first into two different noises, then into more, like it was blown to bits.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">It approached on the streets, Catherine was sure of it. The same nervousness got hold of her that got hold of the whole family, with the kids trembling near Ruby. The closer this thing got, the more clear the noise became, slowly transforming into some kind of metallic clank, as if chains were banged against the concrete. Then the noise became louder. Catherine heard the clanking passing by the windows of the dinner room, crossing the garden, then continuing towards its unknown goal. It was like a horde: shapeless creatures shrouded in mystery, who banged their chains on the concrete, or maybe trailed these chains along the ground, like they were slaves, marching towards emptiness.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”What’s this?” whispered Catherine. Ruby didn’t answer, instead, she put her cold hand on her little sister’s mouth.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">The darkened windows let through a tiny ray of the moonlight. The streetlights weren’t shining, and the whole neighborhood was dressed in dark, no artificial light was seen. The silver beam of the moon lay down on the floor of the dinner room, just inches away from Catherine’s feet. Sometimes it disappeared, then it came back; must have been a heavy figure passing through the garden.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">An unintelligible roar and clanking filled the night outside, and the noise started to become dreadfully loud. The walls of the house started trembling mildly, as if they were shivering in the cold; the forks and knives and plates and glasses were bouncing on the table, a wineglass even fell down from it. Little splinters of glass hit Catherine’s feet.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”What’s happening outside?” she asked the others. Ruby shake her head furiously, but Catherine was persistent. ”It’s connected to that hole, right? What’s happened in this town?”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”Shut up!” whispered Ruby. The kids buried their faces in her lap.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”I demand an explanation!”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">Catherine didn’t pay attention, her words became louder than the noise outside. Maybe that was the problem: a few voices split from the main crowd, and, with their metallic clanking, these voices started to drew closer to the house. Suddenly, a distinct sound of tapping on the door reached Catherine. First, it was a feeble, scratching sound, then it became a powerful banging.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”You idiot!” hissed Ruby. Will picked up a plate from the table, and then he turned towards Catherine. Fear and anger swirled in his eyes.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”I won’t let you to ruin this.”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”What have you done?” asked Catherine, then Will swung into action, and she fell down to the floor, with blood leaking from her skull, into the blackness of the otherside.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center">* * *

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">The next day, Catherine woke up to a grey morning. She didn’t really remember the craziness of last night, it remained merely as the faint remnants of a nightmare. When she was in the bathroom, she caught a glimpse of a strange face in the mirror, a face that wasn’t her; but it’s just an illusion, she thought, that’s what you get for eating before going to bed.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">The smell of a just cooked breakfast lured her downstairs, where they were waiting for her. The wide back of her little brother welcomed her in a muffled voice.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">”Hunger woke you up, right?"

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">Greg quickly finished the scrambled eggs, then he served it to his sister, his wife, then to himself. And life continued outside, everything looked like it was supposed to look, with the possible exception of old Billy, who swore that he heard something strange on the corner of Fourth Street and Goodway last night, something that resembled a woman screaming in fear. But Billy drinks a lot, Greg told Catherine (with a hollow smile on his face), don’t pay attention to him. No one in this town does. <ac_metadata title="This Hole in the Ground (newbie here, unreviewed)"> </ac_metadata>