Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25558572-20140731084242/@comment-25148755-20140801051150

Agree with Syko that your prose is solid. Personally like this one considerably better than no safe haven.

Couple suggestions: having the dog freak out at him might work better and fix the immediacy that you realize he's a ghost. Animals are, traditionally better at sensing supernatural creatures than humans. So the dog freaking on him would be more consistent with the general interpretation and get away from the dog ignoring him which is very odd.

I know it's only discussed in your commentary at the end, but I hate the reasoning for Carlos getting shot. The notion that someone is going to a.) think a child on a school play field is an animal and then b.) shoot the child in a conceivably populated area just doesn't jive. I'd almost just prefer you didn't know who shot him...could have been gang related, serial killer, random stray bullet etc.

I realize both suggestions I gave you could fall under the heading of "cliches" but I guess this is the exception where I tell someone their story should be more cliched lol.