Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28629333-20141221013957/@comment-28629333-20141221184718

EmpyrealInvective wrote: It is still basically one large paragraph. (Space it out so it is easier to read. 4-5 sentences per paragraph)

There are punctuation errors. You us accent marks instead of apostrophes. ("grandpa`s", "I`m", etc.) You forget to use commas where needed. ("After 3 (three) hours (of) driving to the country side (countryside,) i (not capitalized) got to my grandpa`s (sic)house(comma missing) i got out of the car(period missing) i (I) stretched until i (I) heard that relieving crack sound.", "At 11:30 Grandpa told me that he has a bad heart so he gave me some pills so i (I)could save him.") You forget to use apostrophes in contractions ("im" = I'm, cant= can't) You additionally don't use quotations in instances of dialogue. ("So i replied (")Okay,(") But (but) then shortly after i (I)asked him how he was going to alert me.", "I called my parents and I said, That grandpa is dead."

Wording errors: " I fell to sleep ("to sleep" should be asleep), My (shouldn't be capitalized) alarm i (should be capitalized.) brought with me rang."), "I fell to my knees filling in dread (???) as I sobbed quietly then a shadow figure that looks (looked) like my grandpa said, (")You`ve tried.(")") Capitalization issues: I should be capitalized. You randomly capitalize grandpa at certain intervals in the story and leave it uncapitalized on others. Please be consistent. Spelling issues: "DISCRASE" should be disgrace. I would also refrain from capitalizing entire phrases as it comes off as being gimmicky.

Plot issues. I still don't really know what you're going for here. Grandpa's ghost seems very mercurial. One instant he's breathing the boy "You're a desrase(sic)." the next he's telling him that he tried. Then there's the final line. "Ninety years without slumbering, Tick (tick), tock, tick, tock,(.) His life seconds numbering, Tick (tick), tock, tick, tock,(.) It stopped short Never to go again,(.) When the old man die(dies.)" Was this meant to be a poem? If so, it was not properly formatted and if it was, the poem needs some work as it doesn't really flow well and the rhyming scheme is used randomly. Alright I will fix that once I got it all ready