Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25039222-20140609014834/@comment-24821182-20140609150812

Before I get to the overall story, I think you should add dates to the entries, so we can easily differentiate between them, and labelling entries as "Final update" or "Final Final update" is something I think you should not do, as it makes your narrator seem like he knows more than he should.

Also, the spacing you put between paragraphs is very inconsistent; it makes your story seem longer than it is, and in addition confuses the readers even further as to what paragraphs belong to which entry. There's also some punctuation errors, and you capitalize the first letters of certain words that don't need it.

Now on to the story: I didn't think it was very good at all.

You don't tell us why the narrator started writing his diary/blog/whatever in the first place, and I'm pretty sure it's illegal for him to share random information about an ongoing investigation; he should be afraid of his ass landing in jail, and not of some local legend.

There's also no explanation for why Mrs. Morales chose now of all times to start killing a bunch of people, unless she considers it a grave offense to be asked questions by a political adviser. Her targeting the narrator is also something I don't understand; he literally did nothing to upset her. Also, if she can speak English, then why did she answer his questions in a foreign language?

Finally, I'll comment on the ending: it makes no sense that he would spend his precious last minutes writing about how he was going to die. Imagine if he had spent less time being fatalistic and more time trying to conjure up ways to survive or possibly call for help. I'm not saying he would have survived, but it would have been more sensical than, "At least I know I will go out with a smile on my face."

It's also extremely cliché to have it end like that; I see a lot of people ending diaries with "This will be my last entry; the monster is going to kill me any second now. Goodbye, cruel world!" and never have I seen a story with this ending meet our quality standards.

I think you have the potential to write great stories, but I don't think this is one of them.