Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31532017-20161130072138/@comment-28266772-20161201141741

Of everything I've witnessed entirety [entirely; though even with this change the sentence remains clumsy] across this stunning world, I've never seen such [delete; such] life displaying this unusual behavior before. They called [call] themselves humans I presume, not an accurate [or] fitting name if you ask me.

Why please stop laughing my fellow siblings, ya'll [I’ll just say that ‘ya’ll’ doesn’t work; it’s a colloquialism and it doesn’t suit the language] know I don't tolerant [tolerate] being a running [‘running mockery’ is not a phrase] mockery here right? Sure, these creatures are notorious for its [their] blood shed amongst others and their own. But give a ponder [‘give a ponder’ is not a phrase; delete ‘give a’]    'bout [‘bout is also a colloquialism; for that matter you can delete ‘bout’ as well since ponder means “to think about something”] it for second, what differentiates them from the rest of the crowd?

Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they have adapted numerous writing systems. Not a [an] impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damn and closer look [the ‘good damn and’ part here just doesn’t work – you can say ‘take a good damned look’ or ‘take a damn/damned closer look’] at their writings. You'll notice several of 'em appears [appear] to be written in the form of storytelling; quite similar to what our father does.

The tremendous mount [amount] of effort they're willing to undergo through [delete; through] just to write a story is simply astonishing. Nothing I've seen before have [has] ever exhibit [exhibited] such [a] strange nature and everything they've written is portrayed so accurately. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such amazing content.

I've personally read their works starting from the most well-known to the least of the bunch and I still can't get over it. And little do they know [that] by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions; all uniquely perfected [awkward], I believe you all have seen it for yourselves at one point. '[you all have – this is an odd phrasing. Rather “you have all” is more common]'

Best part is, their willingness to subject their own creations through [to] simple yet painful scenarios simply [repetition] to entertain themselves and others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. Oh man, do humans deserve that title now.

I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves probably [probably is a ‘filler’ word; it can harm the flow unless it’s %100 necessary] had [took] it's [its] toll on them after all.

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Mechanical – you’d benefit from studying the literature on tenses and sentence construction. Also your choice to litter the writing with phrases like ‘y’all’ and ‘’bout’ makes it all feel very weird.

Style – Kinda already covered that; either way the biggest issue is ‘tonal dissonance’ or, basically, having a story that varies wildly in the tone of writing. Is it serious, or silly? When you write things like “Of all the things I have seen across the entirety of the universe, I have never seen life display such unusual behaviour before” in one sentence and then write “y’all better a goddam look” it feels disjointed and odd.

Plot – For what it’s worth I quite liked the overall premise but I’m not sold on a few details (not everyone perfects their stories, nor does everyone work very hard to write. Painful as it is to admit it comes very naturally to some people). Nonetheless – I liked the overall idea and I even liked the little twist near the end.