Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25157377-20141211034927/@comment-24552765-20141219021438

While I understand your logic behind the separate sentences, I agree with the above suggestion that you try to rework some of your ideas into paragraphs because it does look really choppy, disconnected, and distracting otherwise.

As for my own suggestions, I would completely omit little blub about not listening to your parents and just let the story stand on its own merits rather than making it a cautionary tale. Also, some of the sentences come of as rather bland and/or stilted such as:

"What she saw surpirsed her"

"another starred the man with half a body"

"she got a response back"

When trying to describe mundane actions and observations, try to give the descriptions a little more pizzazz otherwise they really just stick out as dull. Try to use more impactful wording.

"The maze was a monster"

I would completely omit this as it is a bit hokey and already quite apparent. I would also delete the time-stamp at the beginning because it seems to have no relevance to the plot. Other than that, I thought its was pretty enjoyable and definitely has potential.