Talk:Allyssa/@comment-25155143-20140711012325

Well, this actually wasn't bad at all. I enjoyed the reading. Though, there are some things I'll point out;

- The opening line was a bit too "cliché". It's my opinion, but I think the story could do better without the first paragraph. You're only repeating what's being told on the last one. You might want to keep some lines, though, like "this is the first time in..." Maybe mix it with the second paragraph? It's up to you, really.

-  The story itself was good, but not scary. I think it would be a lot scarier if you emphasized over Alyssa's decaying health (instead of stating "she was thinner", you should describe how there was so little flesh her ribs started to show up...Now that's exagerating, but you get the point), her weird behaviour (its creepy side, not its sad side: show other stuff than she crying every night...Maybe do some research on suicidal behaviour?). Description is very important to give a creepy atmosphere.

- Can a corpse last two years without decomposing even if it's underwater? and how come no one (the police!!) did search the lake, the last place she had been seen??

- Val's actions and reactions are a bit too weird as well. Would you bath in a lake your sister may or may not have drowned in? You don't emphasize her reaction when discovering the body, neither. I don't know you, but that would freak the hell out of me. You have there a potential scary/creepy/horrid scene to portray. And, men, how come she pulls up the corpse?? I wouldn't be able to touch it, for a start! It's...It's...! Disgusting, to say the least, and MC doesn't seem to care a lot she's holding her sister's rotting corpse -> I would say describe sensations (smell / touch / sight would be the most importants here) that leads to a reaction --> pure horror.

In conclusion, you wrote a nice, neat story that needs yet to be polished. There's a lot of creepy if not horror potential here.