Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5632489-20150222063851/@comment-25148755-20150222180026

Overall, nice work. I can tell you put a lot of effort into this.

As far as the things you were specifically wondering:

Ending: I thought the ending worked fine. Its rather classic, the cycle starting over again, so that seemed to fit.

Descriptions:  Your descriptions were good. As far as being "too descriptive" I think that's more a matter of taste. On the one hand it certainly tends to slow down the narrative considerably, on the other it gives a very high level of realism (the depiction of the town, the relationship between Milly and Nathan etc. etc) In many ways that level of description is what is going to separate a short story from a novella so I didn't see an issue.

Grammar:  I'm sure there are a few things here and there, the only really consistent issue was that you used the word "shuttered" every time you meant "shuddered". Other than that, a few of your phrases came off as being a bit awkward and there were syntax pieces here and there that I would have personally changed to make the whole thing run a bit smoother...nothing I can remember specifically but they mostly came in some of your descriptions.

Idea: Definitely an original idea for me. I haven't seen anything I could directly compare this to before.

Random thoughts:

-What happened to the eggos and bacon he put on after the apple incident? He talks on the phone and then goes to bed and they sorta just disappear.

-There's about three pages of stuff between when the phone rings the second time and he picks it up. He's reminiscing, contemplating the history of his publications etc. etc and seems like all that goes on just a little too long before he actually answers the phone.

-I'd mention sooner that it was Milly's parents who died in the accident. You have a lot of "they're dead" and similar stuff but you don't actually get down to naming what actually happened until we've reverted to Milly's point of view. If you're trying to drag it out thats fine, but it read to me as something that should have been included rather than something that was purposefully omitted to add to the mystery.

-I really like the dynamic you've given Nathan and Milly's relationship. It felt real to me, and that's important with a story this long

-I also absolutely love that you don't go overboard explaining what the hell is happening with Nate. The possession at the end is very effective and gives the feeling that there is something much deeper and darker going on but that we've only touched the barest surface. Add that to the nice foreshadowing earlier in the story regarding the mysterious tales of things in the woods and I could see Little Loop being your Derry, in the way of Stephen King.

-One last thing, the population seems almost too small. There's a high school, suburbs, the town itself, and only 250 ish people. Estimating an average 3 per household thats only 80 odd houses...doesn't seem enough to really have "suburbs" and likely not enough to sustain a high school of its own. With the larger other town only three miles away, I'd suspect most folks would be sending their kids there for school.