Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140927012134/@comment-24996913-20140927222254

Jay ten wrote: I liked this one. It's a little different than most of your other work, but I think it works well. The descriptive work was all on point, as usual, and I liked the vague ending. I think you could possibly add one more sentence on the end, to soften the abruptness, but it works fine as it is.

I think you did a good job of expressing the chill felt when you're in a slightly unnerving situation, and it's made worse by remembering a film or story with a similar setting.

I don't really see any technical issues. You may want to add a little bit of emotion in the beginning, but it's not completely necessary. Just one sentence is all it would take, just to make her a little more real.

This is another good piece and doesn't really need much, if any, improvement. I just wanted to throw those couple ideas out there so you could decide. Keep up the good work.

P.S. Congrats on becoming a Rollback, I'm sure you'll do great.

I agree with you on the abrupt ending for sure. I wanted to see if anyone else would agree that it was a bit rushed in a sense. Thank you for confirming that, as I have pre-wrote a more smoothed over ending. I also agree on the emotional stance you gave. I will have to do a little shifting in a few areas, but I think it would give the character more depth in the long haul. Thanks again for the feedback :)