Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26411912-20150925150938/@comment-25980905-20150926095958

Just looking at it, my mind is singing 'structural edits'. Let's begin shall we?

Overview:

''Ok, so you want to get your story on the Wiki? That's a fair call, that is why we have the Writer's Workshop. First of all, I'd recommend reading the Wiki's Quality Standards. Now, as you've requested that I don't say your story is awful there is very little I can do here. I could review your story, but I'm not just going to spend an hour (yes, that's how long this takes out of my day, and I only have 24 of them) telling you why your story is good, that is not how a review works. As a disclaimer (as, regardless of your feelings, I am going into the story in the way I do for everyone. This disclaimer can be found in my user page) my reviews are to get your story into shape and get it to meet the Wiki's Quality Standards, not expand any single person's ego. With that little rant out of the way, let's actually begin.''

First and foremost, structural edits. The time being next to the paragraph it's linked to is not working for me and looks off. What I would recommend is that you divide each time frame into mini-chapters, as I've done with my 'overview' section header. This will make the story easier to read, and a lot easier for people to look back and find the timeframe they are currently reading in.

The plot, overall, was good and the story itself didn't bore me. I think there should have been more stress on the characterisation of the girl (the antagonist to some degree?), as that is where most of your fear factor comes from. You need to build up more of a sense of unease around this particular character. More characterisation on your protagonist may go a long way as well (and a bit of extra story may help a bit). The end also needs to be formatted better and I'd seriously recommend presenting all of that hospital information in different lines (i.e. Line 1: Patient Name, Line 2: Legal Guardian Names, etc.). Even if there's a gap between the lines (which there will be, as the wiki supports nothing else), it's still a lot easier to read and understand than what it is now.

The moment in the car with the rear view mirror was predictable, and has really become quite a large clichè in the horror genre. It's predictability, however, was refreshing in its own weird way.

There are moments in your story like this: '...She slowly rose stood up...', which could use a degree of revision. Overall (in regards to spelling and grammar), the story is sound. There are some areas where commas aren't needed; but I assume you're trying to create a pause without using a full stop (i.e. '...She slowly rose stood up, and walked towards the clipboard sitting on the desk opposite of the beds...').

Overall, I would recommend more expansion on the story so that you have just a bit more time to fully develop the girl and make her a bit more creepy (remembering to illicit a sense of unease and maybe play on the fact that she is the only character that knows this reality is a coma dream), as well as develop the protagonist more. In regards to the story being awful, you should give yourself more credit. This story really isn't all that bad. I look forward to viewing the revised copy and/or your response to this review.

Good luck in your writing adventure!