Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28897611-20160706145501/@comment-28420405-20160706151852

Hello! This was a very nice attempt for your first pasta! I enjoyed it - I always enjoy a twist on a children's story! And creepy kids can always be freaky.

That being said, I did find a few things worth mentioning:

Capitalization: "While he didn’t share john’s nasty sense of humor, he’d often contribute ideas and even help. " - John should be capitalized

"I knew where he lived, i just rarely ever went there." - the second "I" should be capitalized

"looked around the house, and after a few tries, I found it draped over a chair. I picked it up and draped it over my shoulder, I yelled up the stairs that I was bringing it back to sammy’s house." - Sammy needs to be capitalized

Repetition: "Neverland in particular, he’d sometimes go on about how he was planning on taking a trip to Neverland," - I don't think you need to say Neverland twice in this sentence.

"looked around the house, and after a few tries, I found it draped over a chair. I picked it up and draped it over my shoulder, I yelled up the stairs that I was bringing it back to sammy’s house." - I would find a different word for "draped" after the protag picks up the blanket.

"I darted from my bed and dashed down the hall towards my parents’ room. I could hear my father yelling, and just as the tip of my finger touched the knob…/I darted towards John’s room and swung the door open. The window was open, and Johnny was still sleeping." - I would find a different word for "darted" in the second sequence of events here.

There were a few awkward phrases as well:

"he was an odd kid, but odd in a way only little kids are." - I would add the word "that" after "way" to make it a little cleaner

"You know, playing with dirt and eating some, mixing mustard into milk." - I would add the word "or" after the comma and before "mixing"

"On the ride back, father ranted about how disrespectful it was for them to not give him a headstone." - I would add the word "my" before "father"

I think with some cleaning up and reformatting in some areas, this would be a great addition to the site. I'm not an admin by any means, so please just take my feedback as opinion/suggestions.

Good luck! feel free to reach out to me directly if you'd like me to read another draft.