Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28255303-20160420022533/@comment-24101790-20160420030431

Beginning with the basics, space out your story so two speakers are never talking on the same line. Doing this: ""...Why are you on the Main Menu?" "What?"" can muddle who's saying what. It is also a pretty widely accepted format to do this to make dialogue more fluent and easier to follow. Additionally the Ending 1 and 2 section titles aren't needed as they aren't necessarily separate endings but a continuation of the story.

Starting with the mechanical issues like punctuation (""...Nevermind." I replied", ""...I'll be right back." he replied" Remember, if you are continuing dialogue, you should use a comma instead of a period. Only use a period if it is the end of the sentence.), formatting (see above), and wording errors (Redundancies: "About twenty minutes of glitching and realising that the level was going on forever and Jerry said he was on level 10, the final level.", "I started the level, nothing seemed wrong until I got half-way through the level.", etc. Avoid repeating words multiple times in the same sentence.)

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were. There's a real lack of description here. First things first, there needs to be an explanation for how the game is played and how the glitches are negatively impacting the protagonist. ("Then the obstacles and enemies started to change, making the sandy desert look really strange. It had trees thrown here and there, and random patches of grass, lava, ice, among other things put randomly across the landscape." Does this disorient the protagonist? Does it make the game unplayable? Etc.) Are the playing the game next to each other? There are times when they're talking to each other normally (" Jerry turned the laptop towards him, and got a confused look on his face. "...Why are you on the Main Menu?" "What?" I pushed him out of the way, wanting to see what he meant.") and other times when they're texting ("I hadn't talked to him, or even messaged him untill today, when HE sent me a text. "Level 5 is my favorite."")

Story issues cont.: Who won the game exactly? (""I win!" Jerry yelled, extremely happily.") You say Jerry won, but then mention e's still playing ("He was on level 9, almost done, but the game was paused."). Then there's the issue of the ending: if they're in the same room, how would he fall for the glitched out 'you win' screen? Additionally, what motivates him to stab the protagonist? It feels really out of place with no build-up to the stabbing. Even if the concept was fleshed out, how does the glitch influence him especially when he already knows he won? It feels tacked onto the story to make the ending try to feel like a creepy pasta, but the lack of any real plot progression or atmosphere makes the story problematic.

I'm sorry, but the story feels very rushed, lacks any real sense of description, has a lot of mechanical errors, and the story has a lot of issues. The premise itself is also pretty weak. If you're planning on making an appeal to try and re-post the story, I would strongly suggest completely re-writing it, fleshing out the story, and getting feedback on how to make the premise more effective.