Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-6278629-20140408154501/@comment-4832646-20140415144436

For one thing, this is cliche. It's already been explained how.

For another, there's awkward phrasing, run-on sentences, unnecessary wording, and the like.

It could definitely use more detail. It revolves around cliches, there's no hook, no build-up, no set-up, no general progression in the story at all whatsoever.

Not to mention everything happens way too fast. It's ridiculous how events just tread right by.

All in all, this story is honestly pretty terrible and beyond salvage. Better luck next time.