Talk:I Used to Run a Dead Internet Message Board/@comment-28348041-20170219182930

The framework for a good story is here, but I think some of the details are too vague, and the characters aren't fleshed out enough for me to understand the father's emotions. As this story is told from the first-person perspective, understanding their emotions is key to the story.

The threat of the peice, the unnamed agency or whatever it is, doesn't have a threatening feel, depsite some clear effort to impose fear on the audience. The trope of "webcam photo with address" can sometimes work, but it needs to be a climax after a scene of uncomfortablity and stress on the part of the reader; if you play it straight away, it leaves very little room in terms of esclaating of tension, making the scene go from 0-10 too quickly, insteading of an ominous and steady increase.

I don't believe in giving scores, because people focus too much on that, however, I believe that there are some good ideas at the heart of this story, and the mentioning of things such as bitcoin mining makes me believe the character's techincal prowess. Hone your craft, because I think you have some interesting though processes.

Shameless plug, check out my pasta's and give them a review if you want. Best of luck :)