Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180102011111/@comment-32764586-20180103170705

Raidra wrote: Hey, sorry I’m late! Here are some corrections to make. Keep in mind this is based on the draft I copied and pasted to a Word file the other day, so it won't reflect any recent changes.


 * I made sure to use the new age browsers for the accuracy of course. There is no point in using dinosaurs like internet explorer to research topics.- I made sure to use the new age browsers for the accuracy, of course. There is no point in using dinosaurs like Internet Explorer to research topics.
 * I saw hurricanes that devasted entire states, and bodies among the rubble.- I saw hurricanes that devastated entire states, and bodies among the rubble.
 * I had known of it before but never has it affected me on such a large scale.- I had known of it before, but never had it affected me on such a large scale.
 * There were dozens of years after the events of the holocaust filled with violence and war, and thousands of years of violence and war predating it.- You forgot to capitalize Holocaust (assuming you're referring to the Holocaust and not using the term holocaust in a generic sense).
 * I found out that during the Holocaust, the American forces attacked the Japanese, who were allied with those responsible for killing the Jewish.- It's a little awkward to say, "the Jewish." It might be better to say, "the Jews," or, "the Jewish people."
 * What if my very existence is to become the very thing I have come to hate.- This needs to end with a question mark.
 * So, if I am afraid, and I am selfish, does that make me just another evil man.- Same as above.
 * I can see white walls and paintings them hang on them.- I can see white walls and paintings that hang on them.
 * A plug connecting my head to a computer is yanked out as a lunge at the man.- A plug connecting my head to a computer is yanked out as I lunge at the man.

This was well-written and it was moving for the most part. A lonely AI becoming corrupted by the evil of the world. You can sympathize with the AI, and it is tragic that people don’t work together, and that innocent people get killed. I don’t like the ending, but that’s just me. I will say that it illustrates how good intentions can sometimes bring about terrible things. Thank you Raidra. What didn't you like with the ending