Board Thread:General Wiki Discussion/@comment-24841494-20140219135325/@comment-24463401-20140221175634

GraydonL wrote: Revised the outline a bit, should make more sense and be a better story overall, I will link it at the end of this post.

Also, I am about 3/4 of the rough draft complete, but I still have a lot of work to do. If any are intested in proofreading it, contact me here.

 NAME: “Basic”

 SETTING: A military base in southwestern South Dakota. Present day, (July 14, 2015)

 CREATURE: tall thin solid oil black humanoid, so dark it looks more like empty space. Burning lavender eyes, and no other facial features. slightly taller than human, 7 feet tall. thin lithe figure almost like a jungle cat. Impossibly fast, but not teleporting. more innocent, and kills the same reason a toddler might break his toys, out of sick curiosity. Known as the “Beast” or “the shadow” in text. “Ignotus Metus Bestia” Scientifically (Unknown Fear Beast)

 POV: written as the last survivor, to his girlfriend explaining the events, discovered near an unrecognizable corpse and a tall bipedal human like beast, also dead from several dozen bullet and even stab wounds. Spaced between the story as breaks are military reports of similar events in various locations all over the world as well as scientific reports on the beasts anatomy. A single paragraph epilogue told through the beasts POV.

 CREATURE: tall thin solid oil black humanoid, so dark  it looks more like empty space. Burning lavender eyes, and no other facial features. slightly taller than human, 7 feet tall. thin lithe figure almost like a jungle cat. Impossibly fast, but not teleporting. more innocent, and kills the same reason a toddler might break his toys, out of sick curiosity. Known as the “Beast” or “the shadow” in text. “Ignotus Metus Bestia” Scientifically (Unknown Fear Beast)

 CHARACTERS:

 MAIN CHARACTER:

 NAME: Ryan Barnes (White, Europeon, Brown hair green eyes)

 AGE: Around 18 or 19

 PERSONALITY: Sharp mind, naive, “Know it all”, Leader, Not well built physically, but fit.

 HISTORY:

 RELATIONS:

 SECONDARY CHARACTERS:

 1) NAME: Drill Sergeant Beckett Gram (White, Europeon, Blond hair hazel eyes)

 AGE: Around 40 - mid 40’s

 PERSONALITY: Harsh, Intelligent, “Stereotypical Drill Sergeant”, Supporting

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> HISTORY: Enlisted in the early 90’s, long career in the military, never saw combat

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> RELATIONS:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> 2) NAME: Raymond “Ray” Ankundinov (White, Russian, Dark hair blue eyes)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> AGE: 18

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> PERSONALITY: Introverted, a “follower”, Not well liked, mid-low Intelligence

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;margin-left:36pt;"> HISTORY: Parents emigrated from russia around the 80’s raised in America, Hint of a russian accent. Super patriotic to cover his family’s past in soviet russia.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> RELATIONS: Ryan’s, best friend, enlisted at the same time.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> 3) NAME: Samuel “Sammy / Sam” Moore (African American, Dark hair dark eyes)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> AGE: 19

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> PERSONALITY: Egocentric, Friendly (not to Ryan), Leader, Average intelligence, A “competitor” of Ryan

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> HISTORY: Longtime enemy of Ryan, Friend of Ray, Was held back a year in middle school

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;margin-left:36pt;"> RELATIONS: Friends with Ray since he moved to America, was somewhat popular in high school before enlisting, well built

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> MINOR CHARACTERS:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 1) NAME: George Shafer (White, blond hair blue eyes)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 18

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 2) NAME: Sami Malik (Arabic, Dark hair Dark eyes)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 19

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> RESCUE TEAM:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 1) NAME: 1st Lieutenant Colin Smith

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 34

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 2) NAME: Private Joshua Pope

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 22

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 3) NAME: Corporal James Elliott

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 30

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 4) NAME: Private First Class William Flemming

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 26

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 5) NAME: Private Lucas Snow

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> AGE: 29

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> PLOT POINTS: ( In chronological order)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 1) A rescue team of five men discover the events of the past three days in Fort Meade. After combing through the remains they find the barracks, and in his belongs they find a letter, addressed to his Girlfriend back in Rapid City. dated July 11, 2015

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 2) Detailed in the letter are the events of the 1st day of the event. The letter is reformatted for spelling and grammar and sensitive information is redacted. (EX: The [REDACTED] pulled up.) The letter explains the protagonists first week in basic training. (need some research). some conflict with Sam. conflict with Sergeant Gram. He mentions spotting a dark figure in the showers, but places it as imagination or exhaustion   End letter

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> BREAK) A small report from a government funded research facility, small experiments with FTL travel. no success.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 3)  The rescue team continues its search, yet no survivors are found. they work their way towards the vehicle garage, were another letter is found with in his belongings Dated July 12, 2015

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 4) Detailed in the letter are the events of the second day of the event. The letter explains the current conflict with Samuel further. also there is another sighting of the beast, this time, by Ray, during a training exercise.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 5) This time during Ryan’s point of view, sometime between and during the events of Letter 2 and 3. (More Info…) Multiple sightings of the beast, and first disappearance.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> BREAK) A short summary of a scientific report, describing a breakthrough in FTL travel, they managed to move a subatomic particle faster than light in a vacuum for a fraction of a second, refuting the long held belief that light is the universal speed limit. Further tests with larger particles will be held soon, as well as tests to make the travel more efficient. Many details are redacted for security reasons.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 6) Back to present time, the team proceeds to search through the ruins. after a short time they find a third “letter” hastily written on a large napkin on Ray’s body. Not dated

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 7) The writing on the napkin is retyped fixing hundreds of spelling and grammar errors. This time from Ray’s point of view, the beasts attacks have escalated heavily, with several bodies found, mutilated, as well as several more missing persons. Ray and Sam lock themselves in the mess to get away from the creature. Ray mentions he’s writing this down, so in case they don’t make it everyone will know what happened.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 8) Once again from Ryan’s point of view, during the same time as “7)”. Ryan and Gram escape to a large garage. after around a day they are forced to leave, and scavenge for food. They sight the creature multiple times, once while it is butchering a person, who is dead. Ryan recognizes it as one of the recruits, George. at this point they are some of the last survivors. They head to the first logical place to find food, the mess hall.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 9) Again in Ryan’s POV, him and Gram find the mess hall, but every door is barred shut. they desperately bang on the doors, trying to find a way in, when suddenly one of the doors open. Inside are both Ray and Sam. Sam yells for Them to get inside as soon as possible.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> BREAK) A short excerpt from a military document. Include a description of a similar event in a research facility in Alaska.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> A second document, from the same facility in alaska, details about FTL travel experiments involving live subjects, starting with small rodents, then cats and dogs. Half of the subjects were never seen again, and the other half appeared at the South Dakota facility either inside out, deformed, and straight out missing limbs and organs.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 10) Small character building segment. Ryan and Sam’s Conflict escalate leading to violence, Sam is killed, and Ryan is overcome by intense guilt, And Gram and Ray decide to remove him from the mess, leaving him alone, with a small amount of food and water.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 11) Back to the rescue team’s POV, further searching of the remaining parts of the decimated base. after a few hours they search the armory, which is completely looted, presumably by various survivors. farther into the armory they find the young recruit, Ryan, dead. nearby the creature is also dead, riddled with bullets and a couple stab wounds. On Ryan’s corpse is the 4th and final letter, Also addressed to his Girlfriend. This one is dated July 14th, 2015.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 12) The letter is several paragraphs long, the longest yet. He apologize for all the crimes he did in the short time, even killing another survivor over one of the last weapons in the armory. He recounts the last day of the event, finishing with the statement that he will kill the sonuvabitch if it means dying himself.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> BREAK) A waiver signed to allow volunteer human testing of FTL travel. The subject? A Young alaskan male scientist, only 24.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> 13) From the beast’s POV, just after Ryan leaves the mess. the beast is expressing curiosity. it shows that it is not malevolent and is “Innocent”. Its only senses are sight and touch, it can not hear not smell. It has surprisingly human thoughts.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> END

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

If you think you can put that much info into the story, go ahead. I like your draft. And again I don't get why you need the scientific name in the story but the correct scientific name would be Ignotus Metus Bestius.