Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28938497-20150922195005/@comment-24976741-20150922221905

Let me just start with grammer mistakes first.

"The next day, he bought them into the living room and I watched him play with them." I think you missed the r in brought, eliminate the comma, and change him play to as he played.

"The next day, I listened outside his door, and it was the same thing, but outside his room, there was no change about him, so I decided to let him be." First and fourth comma I don't think you need.

"He took them into the garden, and lines them up. He then gave a very moving speech about valor, and victory, and then led them into battle against an unseen foe. I let him too it. Running around in the garden is good for a kid." Turn lines to lined and take out the comma after into the garden and after valor.

"Half an hour later, he came in, holding a mud-covered doll, with an upset look in his eye." Get rid of all the commas in this sentence.

"The next morning, he didn’t come down." No comma, take out the comma.

" When I opened the door, I discovered him sitting up in his bead, staring teary eyed at the doll, which was laid in the middle of the floor." You accidentally put an a in bed and first + third comma gotta go.

“Why didn’t you let me bury him?” he asked me quietly. You forgot a comma after end quotations.

“He stinks. He reeks of the dead. Look at him! He’s crawling with maggots, and he STINKS! He stinks of death! How could you make me sleep in the same room as him, mom? How?!” You don't need the quotations here.

"For the next week he didn’t leave his room other than to eat and go to the toilet, and he definitely didn’t say a word to me. He was definitely taking these toys far too seriously, and with his school starting back in a week, I had to do something now." First two commas out.

"I gathered the four toys from the garden, and the one in his room, and I shut them in the cellar, locking the door, and then I told him what I’d done." Try rewording the sentence like this instead of the over abundance of commas: I gathered the four toys from the garden and the one in his room, then shuttting them in the cellar and locking the door I'd told him what I'd done.

" That night, when I got back from work, the lights were all off in the house, even though I’d left them off." I'm sorry what? I-I think you meant uh, the first off to be on or is it the other way around? Also commas, gone.

 "I searched the hall, then the living room. As soon as I entered the kitchen, he appeared from the back door, and he hurled all four of his ‘living’ toys at me before rushing at me himself and punching and kicking me." All commas except for the last one go-actually no, replace the last comma with a semicolon.

"It hurt, but as a grown woman, I could handle one angry little boy." Second comma goes, away.

"I did something that I never do then. I laid him across my knew and smacked him several times, until he cried, and then locked him in his room. Foolishly, his toys were in there as well." I'd never done before instead of "I never do then". Mispelled knee; first and second comma go; and also reword the last sentence, it just doesn't feel right saying it like that.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"This is war, people! And this war ends tonight! Will one swift stroke, we will kill our enemy!”" First comma goes, change will to with, and possible change stroke to strike.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"I checked my alarm clock. It was three in the morning. This was the last straw. Tonight I would put a stop to this once and for all." Change first and third period into commas.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"It was one of the toys, laid on its back at the bottom of the stairs, a rather sharp gun accessory sticking upright in its hand." Either take out the first comma or change the second one to a period + It had a or change it to with.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"The moment I set foot in the kitchen, the lights suddenly flashed on, dazzling me in the process, I narrowed them so I could still see, and what I saw haunts me to this day." Take out the first, change the second one to a period, and take out the third one. Also narrowed what? You mean your eyes because you never mentioned them before.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"My own son was running at me with a kitchen knife, screaming at the top of his lungs, the intent to kill his mother clear in his face." Change the second comma to with.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"I managed to wrench the knife from his grip, and then restrain him as I grabbed the phone from the hall and rang the police, my son still writhing and screaming in my arms." First comma leaves the building.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">"He was more withdrawn, and cringed whenever the toys were brought up, so I stopped mentioning them." Remove first comma.

Well, that was a lot more than I thought there would be. I just think you need to do some reasearch on when to and when not to use commas, if you need to go ask your english teacher if your still in school. Other than that and the few keyboard common error mistakes, good job. I'd still consider going back and rewording some things though, it just feels like you could do a better job of making the story flow smoother. Consider trying to connect 2 or 3 sentences into one by using key words such as: While, As, When, and such in the begining and middle of sentences although you did show somewhat an understanding of this already.

Ignoring grammer mistakes I'd give the story for its plot about a 6.5/10. Interesting story and all, I liked the idea of the toy soilders not controlling but influencing the behaviour of someone until they actually believe they're living in that situation and its real.