User blog comment:Princess Monogatari/WiP Pasta/@comment-10950063-20140222033543

First off, god bless you. You have a WIP and you didn't post it and you're saving it yourself.

I would get rid of that first chunk where your mention Jeff, etc and kind of preface your story. It doesn't add anything. Also, if you're writing with the intent to put it up on here, it's usually smart to write it in the wiki format. That is no indentation. It will screw up your story when you publish it.

Streamline your writing. It just helps with flow. "The figure, also known as the man’s colleague and roommate, Ivan, looked at him, concerned." flows better as "The figure, his colleague and roomate, etc" It seems like a small thing, but it's a cumulative process. Everything gets kicked up a little when you get rid of unnecessary bits. You don't have to slash and burn every word or phrase that doesn't add anything, but it's good to get into a habit of asking yourself, "If I remove this, does the sentence still make sense?"

Also, watch out for repetition. It's another flow issue, but also falls into awkward phrasing. "He worked alongside Rick. Ivan looked very young compared to Rick; he appeared to be 15 or 16; however, he was about the same age as Rick was. Ivan was of Russian descent, but mind you, he has a quite stereotypical name"

Rick is mentioned three times in two sentences that aren't even about Rick. We already know Ivan works with Rick. You told us they're colleagues. "Ivan looked very young. He appeared to be about 15 or 16, but he was the same age as Rick." The sentence flows better and you're down to just one "Rick." The last sentence is awkward. Partly because the first part using the exact phrasing of a recent sentence. The second part is completely unneeded and tripped me up when I read it. Instead of focusing on the story I was trying to figure out the sentence (Ivan is Russian, why is it strange he has a very Russian name?).

Nitpick- I'm 99.99% sure faces can't get callused.

You don't have to tell us everything about characters right away. You can describe them in pieces through out the story. You especially shouldn't do this with personalities. SHOW us the personalities, don't just tell us.

All right, your story is set 22 years in the future, but so far it doesn't seem like it is or needs to be. Think about 22 years ago. Internet was slow as hell, floppy disks were the main way people store digital information and stuff like an iPad was hard to imagine. The technology stuff doesn't bother me as much as the paragraph where one character is playing Fruit Ninja and another is listening to a song that, just from some quick googling, seems to be from a free browser game. Now, it's not unheard of for people to listen to old music or play old games, but those two things seems like they would get lost to the years. It's also weird that these people are ONLY partaking in things from our time.

Again, streamline, streamline, streamline. That whole paragraph about how they're passing the time can go. In the next paragraph every one is sleeping. Cut down on repetition.

Okay, a big issue is that so far this isn't a creepypasta. Maybe that will change, but right now I don't see it.

Your writing isn't bad. You've got grammar down. You just need to tighten up your writing, a lot. If it is going to be a creepypasta, you're going to want to establish that atmosphere a lot earlier. Don't tell so much, show instead. Consider why you're setting the story in the future. Think about whether all the characters are really necessary. Also, consider how competent you're making them. Like I said, so far this doesn't feel like a creepypasta at all, but if you're going to up that vibe think about this:

The original Alien is a sci-fi horror movie, because it's about a bunch of regular-ish people being stalked by a monster.

Aliens is a sci-fi action movie, because it's about space marines fighting monsters.

It's harder to create tension if your main characters are bad asses.