Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-37644303-20190904035337/@comment-35911608-20190927125315

This story reminds me more of the manga Ibitsu than The Ring, as Bloody had stated. Young girl out on the street at night taken in by a stranger, then eventually is killed by the spooky girl (sorry if you had plans on reading it somehow; it wasn't fantastic anyways though).

But in agreement with Bloody, I never felt threatened by the ghost. Compared to smiledog, this feels really tacked on at the last minute. And while smiledog isn't the scariest thing out there, its ending twist works really well because the idea of sharing the picture is the premise of the story and is well integrated into the plot - so when it breaks the fourth wall in a logical and simple way, it's only more terrifying.

This story desperately needs a proofread and grammar check. Usually I don't mention it much because grammar and punctuation can be fixed by just looking it over, whereas the plot and such should be addressed first so that there IS a story to fix first. But this time, the number of errors was incredibly distracting and made this difficult to read. The repeated issue of addressing the ghost girl as he/him/his was of particular note; from the moment the entity was introduced to the end of the story, you flip back and forth between pronouns, making it hard to figure out whether the ghost is male or female, other than the name drop at the end of the story. Remember: for males, it is he/him/his; for females, she/her/hers.

If English is not your first language, I would definitely take the time and run this through multiple online grammar checkers so that it reads more smoothly than it does now.