Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150420031710/@comment-24101790-20150420041451

There are some pretty large plot issues in this one. While using Bloody Mary (side note: you may want to revise the title "Chat Logs: BM" has quite another connotation.) does not violate the spinoff rule, it does present some issues. The mythology is that Bloody Mary appears and kills whoever summons her in a darkened bathroom with a mirror. (Are they all in their respective bathrooms on their computers as that's typically where these stories occur?) Using an already existing entity also creates issues in itself. It limits development and permits reduction of description. (As everyone already knows what the entity looks like, the author typically doesn't describe them or build on their appearance.)

Grammatical issues: while I do understand that as it is a log of people in chat, their grammar isn't going to be perfect, but there are some really glaring/extremely wide-spread issues that really detract from the story. "[MrCool] when i get back on i summoned her", "[djac] i didnt even make it through collage", "[djac] he didnt acted wierd". No one has perfect grammar, but I also don't think anyone has that poor grammar. You reference some of these people are currently in college as well, they should be more than capable of being coherent. (or at least correcting their errors, as is a fairly common occurrence in a chat) After a point, the grammar issues become more of a distraction than building realism.

The premise re-hashes a lot of its points from other stories like: Funnymouth, Are You Still There? (Chatroom). Annie96 Is Typing, Marcoc209, etc and really doesn't build off the premise any. This is especially problematic as you planned a series out of it, which is going to result in a lot of repeating and re-creating plot points. If you're going to draw inspiration from stories like Funnymouth, you may also want to also use the shift from chat logs and emails to a first person perspective when the time for a confrontation comes. Annie96 Is Typing utilized uncertainty and desperation effectively by having the protagonist helpless as they are talking to the eponymous Annie. Story issues: I know as the story is told through a log, the people on chat have to be more descriptive, but the fact that someone is sitting at their computer cataloguing each event comes off as pretty absurd. Especially this: "[djac] i see her in the reflection off my computer" Who would type that out when an urban legend literally materialized behind them instead of fighting, fleeing, etc.? Additionally is she logging them off each time she dispatches them? It seems a bit convenient that their computers would be destroyed in the attack each and every time.

Finally if I can echo the words of Senjumaru (a former admin here) "These ... stories are fairly under-developed, with very little character development or insight. If they have a plot, it's unstable, and what you've done is basically write down bare bones with no meat..."