Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27361742-20160407164013

I really need someone to give feedback and some constructive criticism to this story I wrote. I've asked some friends and they enjoyed it but I still would like some more feedback.

The first feeling I felt when entering the train was a sense of apprehension. Although I was going on vacation to the country, I was nervous. I felt very uncomfortable. It was my first time on a train, and I get easily nervous. I shook it off and took my seat. The train was very old-fashioned, and it looked at home in a museum. The seats were comfortable and soft, and they relieved me. You see, I get more stressed and nervous than your average person. My first time on a train was certainly going to go better than my first time on a plane. I’d rather not talk about my first time on a plane. The doors came shut, and the train started to move.

The train was packed with people. It was likely full. The person sitting next to me was a thin man with very little hair, which was black. He was on his phone. After the first hour on the train, the apprehension returned, as if it was some sort of entity. Then the train entered a tunnel.

Except for the dimly-lit lights in the train, it was pitch black. The train screeched to a halt. The conductor came into our cabin saying, “We’re stuck! We have not figured out the cause of this… incident, but we will find out soon. Don’t worry, there has to be  an explanation for this.” Then the lights flickered off, then on. The man sitting next to me put his phone down, with a look of frustration. He said to me, “My phone just went dead! It wasn’t like it was less than 10 percent battery, it was at 60 percent! And it was charging on my portable charger. The charger is dead too.” Then, through the windows, I swear I saw shadows crawling through the windows. The windows broke, and the shadows crawled through, causing screams from the train passengers.

A moment later, the light bulbs exploded, causing more screams from the passengers, which were cut off. I grabbed my flashlight from my bag and turned it on. Since it was a crank-powered flashlight, and it wasn’t operating on its own, when I cranked it, it turned on. I wish I hadn’t turned it on. The shadows had consumed almost the entire train. It was still pitch black. I felt the walls, they were there. Also, a light breeze was coming in from the broken windows, chilling the entire cabin. Even though I could feel the walls of the train, I could not see them. I felt trapped. I tried climbing out the window, but a force repelled me. The door was also turned into a wall, as I felt nothing where it once was. The man next to me was visible. His eyes were missing, filled in with a shadowy substance. He was dead. Then I saw the tiny shadow creatures crawl out of his eyes, like fire ants. I tried to swat them away, but they were intangible. They seemingly-endlessly crawled out of his eyes. They crawled up my arm. I started to scream. That was a mistake. They crawled into my open mouth, filling my body quickly.

I woke up in the train, with the flashlight next to me. I felt sore, tired, and achy. I got up, groaning. I looked at myself with the flashlight. No shadows. I didn’t see any movement, so got up to walk towards a seat. I sat down, and began to cry. There was no way that I could find a way out of this train. I heard a wretched groan, dry and wispy. A dead body stood up. It was a woman, with a pale-white face, eyes and mouth oozing some sort of black liquid. I hid under a table, and watched this thing walk around. Its movements were jerky, like it was being controlled by a drunk puppeteer. Tears still covered a part of my face. I was breathing heavily. Because my breathing stood out from the quietness the thing heard me, and jerkily walked towards me. I ran away, just as it swiped its hand at me. I felt reinvigorated. I had a will to survive. I punched the creature, and the liquid splashed out. It fell down. Even when down, it was still moving, like it was shaking. I slammed on the windpipe with all my strength. It let out one gasp, and stopped moving after a few seconds.

As I looked at the dead body, I noticed the liquid had crawled away. Shadows. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my arm. I flashed the flashlight on it and I saw that the vein was black. I then felt even more pain. The vein’s blackness had spread. I did not know what to do. I slammed my fists into the walls. The shadows dispersed, and I saw the door to the front of the train and engine room. I entered the room. I could feel the engine, dead, covered in darkness. I used my flashlight to examine the engine. Nothing. Completely covered. I tried to somehow start up the engine. It was not working. I felt around for something. I felt a switch. I bumped into it. The train started to rev up and it was moving. The shadows congealed into a single humanoid figure. It said, in a raspy voice, “I WILL NEVER LET YOU…” and the rest of what it said was covered up by the sound of the engine coughing to life. The train sped up and the light of the tunnel grew larger. I had exited the tunnel. The shadows screeched and were gone for good. I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked at my arm. It was gone. I was so tired I fell asleep.

 When I fell asleep, I was in a dream. I was in a pool of darkness. There was nothing but darkness. I heard whispers. I turned around. Shadows rushed into my nose and mouth. I couldn’t breath. I tried to wake up, but I couldn’t. This was no dream. <ac_metadata title="What The Shadows Do (plz review)"> </ac_metadata>