Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20170322170153/@comment-24101790-20170322172904

Just a few mechanical issues before we begin:

"“Keith! Keith!,(comma not needed)” The (the) manager screamed at the top of his voice, oblivious to the woman less than a foot behind him. "

" “Of course!” The (the) manager cried."

"He felt, although he couldn’t see, a few feint (faint) hairs running up to his naval."

"“It wreaks of shit in here,” he muttered to himself." Wreaks should be reeks.

"“Craig(,/.) I do a lot for that man, he may look like some precious saint from the outside-in but he is no such thing.”"

You left a space on this line which'll likely cause formatting issues. " Thinking about this Keith ran his tongue between his upper lip and teeth and caught the remnants of an old toenail which he removed quietly"

"“beth (Beth),” Keith said."

"“Wasn’t it opened in the forties!?” A (a) young woman asked."

"Aaron’s form collapsed with (space missing) a sudden sucking noise."

I might suggest giving it a few more read-throughs as I probably overlooked a comma placement here or there.

Story: I liked the Pink Flamingos reference, it meshed nicely with the grungy feel of the story. My only concern would be that the gritty descriptions might outweigh the horror. That being said, each person responds differently to those types of descriptions so in the end it's up to you. I think this is a well-told story to rival the description in The Gym Teacher or Verner the Vigilante: A Disturbingly Delicious Diatribe. Kudos. I can definitely see this finding a place amongst the NSFW stories.