Talk:Nightlights/@comment-27007772-20140227184020

I'm doing a Disection of this. Every time there is a part in lines, I will count is as a paragraph, unless they are a single sentance. I see you want to make a series out of this.

Intro-Don't refer to the happenings in a story as "the incident". It is over used.

Paragraph 1-Building up a story is good, I have no problem here.

Paragraph 2-What would th epoint of a black lightbulb be? Can't you turn off a light and get the same affect? I guess the story says the supply a little light, so I kinda get it.

Paragraph 3-If it is well known no one wants an item from a certain store, they usually cut it off of store shelves. If they are known to do anything "supernatural" skeptics would buy them all. I don't see why they wouldn't sell.

Paragraph 4-Short, but no complaints.

Paragraph 5-So it is a creature that wants to sleep with the owner of the bulb? That does not seem like the most threatening thing. It just wants to sleep, man. Snuggle it.

Paragraph 6-I like the idea of it being like it jsut came from an egg. I find that cool, but it goes to sleep with the owner of the bulb. That seems like the perfect gift for a single friend.

Paragraph 7-"and having all As all the way through middle school". This error bothers me far too much. And also, bloating does not have a specific noice. It can sound far different, so I completely disliek the fact he could simply guess bloating.

Paragraph 8- Why would he plug another in? Being a small child, he woul dhave thrown them away. Cried to his mother. ANYTHIGN but plug another in.

Paragraph 9- How big is this kids bed? Seriously, 2 full-size creature and him fitting comfortably.

Paragraoh 10-I extremely hate the fact he says "Him....IT". It should be "He.....it". The use of "Him" wouldn't even work in this context.

Paragraph 11-I guess this is the climax? The dad seems like a badass action hero. What kind of person can just do that so a misterious creature without thinking first? He is straight from an action movie.

Paragraph 12-1 down, 1 more to go. Not much to say here.

Paragrph 13- Finaly, he is tellign his parents. That......is actually a decent idea. I like the whole "killing machine failed". You used far to much elipsise, but still, great idea.

Ending-What? No. You can't end it like that. Want some advice? Delete the ending. Leave paragraph 13 as the ending, it suits it FAR better and wraps up more. I mean, finding a top secret facillity through simple research? If his research told him they still are making these things, why isn't it farspead news? To research it is either in a book or online. It would be EVERYWERE. Plus, how old is he? he was a smal child, then many years later would be mid-teen. I doubt he would get there. Please, jsut cut this ending out and leave paragraph 13 as the true ending.

Rating

Idea 2.5/3

Exicution 1.5/3

Grammar 1.5/2

Shock/creepyness 0.5/2

6/10

I want to see this be a series, like you do. But just make paragraph 13 the end of it.