Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24784485-20140530024857/@comment-24821182-20140530054842

I think this is an improvement over the last version of the story, and I thought the bit of exposition at the end made the story as a whole more sensible.

My main gripe is with the grammar, as there are a number of (unintentional?) errors here and there. In journal entry #8 the narrator mentions something about being sorry for the grammar in his previous entry, but I was unable to tell how the grammar in entry #7 was that much worse than in the previous or later entries.

When you refer to the degree of something, you're supposed to use "too" as in "too bright", and not simply "to". The narrator says "a armchair" instead of "an armchair". The word "Bible" must always be capitalized when it refers to that specific book of scriptures.

As for the story itself, doesn't the narrator find it a little odd that an opportunity to reduce a 9 year sentence to 60 days arises? Why can't he mention who he is and what he's done when he's already in jail, and already enrolled in the experiment? Why are they flickering the lights on and off, and sending food at random intervals, when that might compromise the experiment and leave people to question whether it was the drugs or the scientists who drew him insane? Giving him a Bible is also something that contradicts the whole "complete isolation" thing.

Anyway, if you proofread in the sections where grammatical errors aren't intentional, and maybe make a few revisions here and there, I think the story could be good.