Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170213055706/@comment-7064562-20170213084123

Horrible.

First off, your major problem in every story I've seen you write is your characters don't act like people. This is an issue, because not only does it make the reader lose any if not all connection to the character it makes the whole thing seem unrealtistic and just plain stupid. This is one of the main reasons why things like "Jeff the killer" got thrown to the trollpasta wiki, unrealistic edgy characters are a no and only work in things like anime or manga.

Examples of this are:

- The fact the parents let them just go over to Mr.Pat's house. Stranger Danger is a huge thing, no parent would let there kid go alone to some old mans house for no good reason. There age isn't established either, but based on there actions the reader can only assume there kids. Why on earth would there parents let the go over there? No reason is given and if they think so poorly of him to the fact there scared he will rape and kill them, why would there parents let them go and why would they break into his house?

- they saw there neighbord look around...How does this indicate at all that something is going on? It's heavily implied as well when they BREAK into his house for no reason that hes a bad dude. NOTHING is stated for the reader to understand why there thinking this.

- Little to no reaction to there friends death and willingness to just give in thinking they will be given an easier punishment after seeing there friends die is stupid. If the character doesn't care, why should the reader?

Other issues are word choices, the form of sentances, and overall poor story telling.

Examples of this are:

-  " We were the only people who saw - my brothers serving detention, all of our parents were playing Trivial Pursuit at Hannah's." (Poor structure. Also kind of unimporant stating there the only ones who saw in this way, as it can be implied much better and add to the story in other ways. Such as stating at the start the reasons why they were alone and why they are bored.)

-   "Your friends didn't suffice for my standards," he said in a gravelly voice that was an obvious fail at a soothing one. I blinked back tears. "But you, Robyn... You get something they didn't." (Poor structure and word choices. Didn't suffice for my standards doesn't work.)

Story telling wise:

- You "build up? to rape and use it as a failed attempt as shock value. That's never ok. Things like Suicide, Rape, psychological issues, have to be used with care and good build up or it's just wrong on many levels and honestly disrespectful.

- Seems to have quite a bit of random objects in his maze like basement...Kind of random.

- No idea why him looking around the house is suspects enough for them to be so intrested they would break in. If they heard a scream or something THEN saw him running around freaking out, it would be more understandable. Just being bored doesn't cut it.

- If they get lost, and start seeing things, why are they still going forward? If you get lost and see messed up thinks in a basement, you run back the way you came. It's a basement with houses close enough to see into others windows, it can't be some huge maze under there.

- No idea why they heard sounds and its not implied either. Most I can guess is that its the ghost and the  mannequin represent them or something, but its thrown in there so abovitly along with the blacking out part that it leaves no impact.

Honestly you seem to not really listen to the advice others keep giving you. This is why there should be a limit to the amount of stories(Other works) you can post to the workshop, as you've posted around 5+ and havn't went back and worked on any of them and its clear you're not importing much of the advice other users have given you.

For example

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:570553

This story you posted 14 days ago, has many of the same mistakes or issues that several others have pointed out.