Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26054278-20160501084031/@comment-26054278-20160501230719

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Just a few errors (I already corrected them, but still think they're important to point out for future stories), with stuttering/stammering, the second repeated letter shouldn’t be capitalized unless it’s a proper noun. There were also a few lines that had a single space between them that were joined into a single paragraph since they were both connected. I spaced them out, although I am wondering if some lines shouldn't be joined. "It occurred to him then. (New paragraph) If I didn’t run too far ahead, would Emma be alive? (New paragraph) This question hit him like a bullet directly to his heart." and "He remembered… (new paragraph) Next to nothing." really might be more effective joined rather than spaced out to new lines.

Wording: "The tears flowing down her cheeks were in an unceasing stream." could use some revision as well as the line: "a gunshot noise went off so loudly that it felt as though the shot itself had shot right through Emma’s ears.". "He didn’t feel anything at all. He felt his eyelids drooping down." could also use some re-writting as the sentences seem at odds with each other. (He felt nothing. He felt this.) "As you choked and your heart stops, your brain continues to work, if only for a little while." "choked" should be choke as it is ongoing I believe.

Onto the story itself. First thing I really noticed was the dialogue: “If you say one more damn word, you are fucking dead.”, "“GET THE FUCK OUT!”", etc. Emma is recounting the story, why exactly is the officer needling her and why is she so incendiary towards him? It comes off as odd since the story jumps into the questioning and really doesn't set up Emma's mindset. Speaking of interrogations, why is she being interviewed in the first place? Where is she? Her story explains hanging out with friends when they get hit by a car, and then she suddenly comes to and begins the story at the introduction. It feels a bit off/needing explanation. Is she in the hospital and officers are taking her statement? The audience knows it's a ruse set up by Dabur, but it really leaves a plot issue if it just jumps into the story without having the environment set up.

While on the topic of the opening: "I don’t want to give away their names because I know you dicks will just try and fucking question them s-“ Aren't these the friends she was just hanging out with, who when she last saw were about to be hit by a car? This seems out-of-place. If they were hit, they officers already have their information likely.

I enjoyed Daburu's actions/lines, but the opening really raised more questions than it properly opened the story. The descriptions could also use a bit of tuning as "Blood spilling everywhere as the beast sunk its teeth into her." suffers the same issues as the previous comment I made on blood. Especially since the lead-up line is: "He could just see the monster as it teared into Emma’s flesh, ripping her apart limb by limb." These lines really already set the tone so adding in blood after it's already been implied really comes off as redundant.

All in all, I enjoyed the story, but there are a few things that could really use revision and explanation. Hope this helps. Thank you for getting to this so swiftly. I'm also glad you enjoyed it.

I tried to fix the beginning to make it make more sense, as well as fix the other things you pointed out.

In addition, are there any concerns you had with the ending?