Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160712171950/@comment-25569708-20160715014707

Alright, so there are a few things I think are errors (Please correct me if I'm wrong anywhere):

"As the time ticked over to AM". Did you mean "1AM"? As it stands this part doesn't really make sense because it's already in the AM (12:59AM) when the story starts.

"dark video feed flickered to live.". Did you mean "flickered to life"? If you meant "live" as in the video feed said "LIVE", then you should put quotations around "live".

"firewalls warnings" should be "firewall warnings".

"several hundred of dollars" should be "several hundreds of dollars".

"“and now she finds herself" should be "“And now she finds herself".

"hovered over the chair and it's occupant" should be "hovered over the chair and its occupant"

"Other chatters chimed in similarly, taunting and in several cases threatening the anonymous viewer. J3ffYtK: This is the big boy net kid. Go to sleep before your mommy finds you!" needs a paragraph break after the word "viewer.".

"Daniel's eyes narrowed as he started" should be "Daniel's eyes narrowed as he stared".

"crouching down to meet Alex' eyes" should be "crouching down to meet Alex's eyes."

"“ Already?" should be "“Already?".

And before I get started on the story I would just like to point out that you are a little inconsistent with spelling out numbers vs. just using numbers. You spell out the words "twelve", "three", "one", and "twenty-four" but elsewhere use "3", "5", and "11". It's a minor nitpick, but it is important to keep your story consistent throughout in all respects.

Anyways, I actually thought you did a great job with this story. In the hands of some other person this thing could have turned out to be edgy crap, but you actually managed to pull it off. The writing throughout is great, and you capture the scenes well and describe them wonderfully. As mentioned by others, you did not go overboard with the description of violence and that really gives your plot credibility. I could tell you were focusing on the horror of this terrible online culture and not mindless torture porn. I liked how you focused on the tone of this trashy deep-web (I'm assuming) underworld and gave the reader a sort of inside peek at the perverted online/offline horrors this shitty world can hold. The chat was done very realistically and I could get a good sense that there were these deranged perverts behind the keyboards. I also fucking loved how the spambot part was handled, I mean that shit was cool and realistic. I also have to say that I enjoyed the GraciousHost character, I think you were able to make him everything you intended him to be. He was of course this creepy-ass murderous menace, but he also had this softer, more perverse, sensual-seeming side which unsettled me. And when he was revealed as a vampire that was just... well I wasn't expecting that. I assumed he was joking earlier when he called himself a vampire so it seems your twist worked on me. All in all this was a very enjoyable story for me.

The thing I didn't really care for, however, was the part where it revealed that Alex was just one town away from Daniel. I mean that just kind of feels too convenient. I don't know if this whole torture-stream operation is local to that specific area or not, but Daniel and Alex's very close proximity feels like an incredibly odd coincidence if it isn't. And it seems that Daniel got Alex pretty damn quick, because I assume that when GraciousHost says "Despite that little bout of interference we had, I do hope that you all enjoyed yourselves", it is the same stream as before where Wendy got burned to death. I guess what I'm asking is: Did Daniel really manage to kidnap Alex in the seemingly short span of one stream? It just seems so weird to me. Maybe this confusion can be cleared up by mentioning that the whole torture-stream operation is a smaller, local one and the streams go on for quite a long period of time (Realistically giving Daniel enough time to kidnap Alex). Anyways, that's just what caught my attention. Perhaps I'm missing something here.

But yeah despite all that, I thought this was an awesome story. If this really is your first creepypasta, then I think you did a damn fine job here.