Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5005634-20140731013908/@comment-25148755-20140731043635

Holy wall of text, batman. Use paragraphs please.

Your writing style is incredibly choppy. With very few exceptions, your sentences follow a very basic structure of subject-action verb-direct object. I would estimate your average sentence length to be no more than 5-6 words. This makes the story very disjointed.

As far as the actual content, it is ok, if nothing particularly original. I would suggest revising to try to improve the flow of the narrative. Overall, 4/10.