Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25296447-20140813212152

(This story had gotten deleted before and I wanted to know if anyone could provide me feedback to make the story better as it is pending deletion now for small cliche points.)

Daniel drove with his heart pumping almost right out of his chest. He was getting ready to meet his daughter for the first time in years. He wanted to get her something special to set a small bond first like a toy or a teddy bear. He relied on his GPS to get him to the nearest store but it seemed to not work because he felt like he was in the middle of nowhere. He frowned and began to panic a little bit. He didn't want to be late to the first meeting with his daughter. His daughter would be about five or six now. His wife had left him when she was only about a year old. They had constant fights about money and she would often threaten to run away with Rachel, which is the name of his daughter.

He never thought that she would actually do it.

But now, finally, she had let him back in, giving him one more final chance to prove himself worthy to be a father again.

Daniel focused on the road and decided to ditch the GPS for now, as it was taking him nowhere. He ended up at a small place that looked like a shopping center. It had a grocery store, a restaurant, and best of all...a toy shop! He parked his car and went into the store. It looked like an average toy store with toys scattered on the shelves but there were little to no people inside of it. How strange...

He looked through the store but nothing seemed to be good enough. It might have been his nerves but no toy felt right to him. He attempted to go up to an employee.

"Hello, I can't really find anything in the store; could you maybe look in stock?" He asked, as politely as he could.

The employee looked at him with an annoyed expression on his face.

"Well, sir, if you want to find a toy more suitable to your interests you can check the stock if you want. You won't find anything that we don't have out here." He said, saying the word 'sir' mockingly.

Daniel gave him a confused face but proceeded to the back of the store.

The room was so dark that he couldn't see a thing. Finally, a small dim light appeared and he saw that he was in a hallway. He followed the hallway and the further he went, the creepier the place got.

Bears were hanging off of the walls with small nooses around their necks and with unnatural stitched smiles on their faces. The walls had streaks of red on them as if something was dragged across the wall or painted. There were dolls with painted smiles but their eyes looked pained like a corpse right after being brutally murdered.

When he got to the end of the hallway he saw a desk. Behind the desk was a man in the chair, looking at him with a bored expression. The man had a suit on, the back of it slit down the ends but curling to the front like a cape or a cloak. He had on a top hat that curled at the ends and covered what looked like an incredibly boyish haircut. His eyes burned the dark shade of maroon and he had canines that pointed more than a normal human's. He looked between the age of a teenager and young adult. His legs were kicked up on the desk.

"You're so boring. No screams or any response to my decorations." The man drawled.

His voice was unnatural along with his look. He had a voice that sounded rough but at the same time like a kid.

"I-uh-who are you?" Daniel stuttered.

The man chuckled but didn't say anything. He reached over and turned the key on the back of a monkey with cymbals. When he set it down it wasn't the sound of cymbals, it was the sound of pained moans. Then he realized that the head was turned backwards and an incredibly realistic smile almost carved on its face.

Daniel's heart was beating frantically and he struggled to keep his breathing straight in the presence of this man. He was most likely psychotic.

"Here, this is what you came for isn't it?" The man said, handing him a teddy bear, a mischievous smile etched on his face.

Daniel looked at it, cautiously. It looked like a normal bear.

But then it started moving.

Its eyes moved back and forth as if staring at its surroundings and then its fabric around its mouth began ripping and instead of cotton it was a sticky red substance.

Daniel dropped the bear in horror and began to run, the sick laughter surrounding him.

"Now you see why I have to stitch them." He heard, faintly, from behind him.

He saw a door open and he ran right in it but regretted it as soon as he entered. His daughter stood in front of him. He could tell it was her because she had so many similarities with her mother. A sickening laughter came out from her throat and when he blinked she was hanging from the ceiling, her mouth stitched in a frown and there was huge letters scattered across the wall.

"Why did you leave me?" It read.

He fell to his knees and cried. "I didn't!" He denied, shaking his head.

He opened his eyes and saw blood dripping from her wrists and her legs as if she was whipped. Her legs were at an awkward angle as if they were broken and her neck twisted in an unnatural angle. Her eyes were wide open, looking at him with sadness and horror. He felt the bile rise in his throat and threw everything that was in his stomach up.

When he opened his eyes he could see his memories flash before him.

"Why can't you just pay attention to this family and not just on yourself for once?" The voice of his wife screamed in his head.

He covered his ears and moaned in pain as the bulging headache pounded as if he was getting hit with a hammer over and over again.

"You know why we have so little money? Because you use it on drinking and smoking! Maybe this house would be better without you!" The screaming continued.

"I am trying!" He said out loud and his voice cracked.

He opened his eyes and his wife was hanging right next to his daughter, her eyes wide with anger and a frown stitched on her face, almost identical to his daughter's.

"No!" He moaned, turning around and crawling away from the horror.

He tried the door and he sighed in relief when it opened.

"What does this remind you of? You ran away from your problems as you are doing now." He said, talking to himself.

"No! I am not! Did you see what was in there?"

"Your nightmares, the things you run from, and everything you've caused.”

"No!" He protested, moaning in pain as the headache got worse.

He ran again. Running was the only thing he could think of doing. He wanted to get away from this place but it seemed like there was no way out.

When he got to another door, he opened it and slammed it behind him and gasped for breath. When he turned around he regretted closing the door. He cursed himself for making the same mistake. All around him were children toys. Dolls scattered across the room, that sick smile spread across their faces but some had frowns painted on them. That's when the toys began laughing. The sick children's laughter sounded like something only a demon could create or something unnatural.

He turned around and tried to tear open the door but it wouldn't budge. When he turned to face the toys they had come closer to him, their laughter louder, making his headache worse.

A while passed, not getting the door to finally open and Daniel was sitting on the floor, starting to laugh. They were cute, he thought. He laughed and laughed, manically. His whole body was shaking and he had his arms hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes were forced open and bloodshot and he felt horrible. But he couldn't stop laughing.

His daughter would like some toys like this, maybe he could keep one?

The door opened from behind him.

Absentmindedly, he got up and went out of the door, and grabbed one of the stitched up teddy bears, going wherever his feet could take him. Whenever he saw something he would usually find creepy, he just laughed at it.

Eventually, he came to a room and he opened it. It was like the sight snapped him out of his daze and his temporal insanity.

He dropped the bear in horror.

There was a huge oval table with dead people sitting on the chairs. Their eyes were forced open by these pins and they had their own stitched smiles not unlike the bears. It was like a dead tea party. Food was scattered around the table and everyone was dressed in the most formal outfits. He felt a presence behind him but he couldn't force himself to look.

"Let the fun begin." He heard a whisper right by his ear and that's when he lost consciousness.

(I'm not a big horror story writer and this is the first one I wanted to actually try and have it be more than just a small document written on my computer.) 