Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5614678-20150827205659/@comment-25547916-20150828143616

I liked how you wrote it like a children's story with simple sentences with repetetive structure; this style reaally suited the story. some minor things that stood out to me:

"But the other clowns were having none of it. Like I said, clowns have to stick together. If you get rid of one clown, you have to get rid of all of them. Mr. Galochio knew he couldn't run a circus without clowns. So he had to let Jacko stay. There was just no question."

In this paragraph the first person felt out of place, as it had never been used in the rest of the story.

"It was at the moment that the man reached into his jacket and pulled out a butcher's knife. Jacko didn't know what he was going to do, but he didn't want to find out. So at that moment, Jacko did what he always wished he could have done as a child: he stepped in and stopped the man."

The butcher's knife feels like overkill. Why would somebody have that in his pocket? Maybe change it to a switchblade or something? I dunno. Also, the second sentance in unclear whether the second independant clause refers to Jacko or the bearded-man. "he" seems like it should refer to the bearded-man in context, but I assume it describes Jacko.

"Jacko stood up, his suit and jacket covered from head-to-toe in gooey red blood. He looked over to the woman, who was trembling in fear. He didn't know what to say to her. But he soon found he didn't have to say anything. The woman ran over and hugged him. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed tight. She was so happy, Jacko saved her life! He was a hero! She wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for Jacko."

I don't think "gooey" is a good word to describe blood. I assume it's meant to be vaguely cartoon-ish like the rest of the story, but it just felt goofy when I read it.

"Jacko wanted the circus to be a happy place, and since last night he realized that if he wanted things to change, he'd have to change them himself. He hated all the bad guests who'd visit the circus. The rude people, the nasty and mean people, the people who'd shout and get in fights and throw things, all the people who'd boo at his friends and throw things, all the people who cussed and got drunk, all the mean teenagers and the grumpy old people, but most of all: the naughty children who didn't listen to their parents.

He'd "fix" all of them, one by one. And it would start tonight, when he followed that little boy home."

I'd consider ommitting these two paragraphs. IMO, they make the story feel more generic. Again, it sort of mimics the end of a childrens story, so it kind of works and I can understand keeping these paragraphs, but personally I'd like the story more without them.

Alright, so all in all, I really like the style and tone of the story, and I think it does a pretty good job drawing the reader in. I think the ending feels a little uninspired as it is, but that is just my opinion, feel free to ignore it. Overall, nice job.

