Talk:Alarm/@comment-9801519-20130911164801

I wrote a review of your story some time in May, but it was erased with the removal of talk pages. I'll repost it:

"The first thing I noticed in your story is "Barely anything unusual happens here. We have an unusually low crime rate and people are freakishly very friendly but I’ve never seen this as a bad thing." You say barey anything unusual happens in your town, but then you say you have an unusually low crime rate. Of course, the word "barely" indicates there is some, but you also go on to state your town has an unusually low number of clothing shops. This doesn't really take the atmosphere of the story away, but it's worth noting.

The first grammatical mistakes that caught my attention were in the sixth paragraph when you said "The cold, fresh air of Spring is suddenly replaced by this horrible heavy humid atmosphere." There should have been two commas placed between those three adjectives towards the end of the sentence. Additionally, "Thunder is frequent at night time but the weird part is, is that there is no lightening or precipitation." lacks much-needed commas between "time" and "but." Also, "is that" was unnecessary in the sentence. Such grammatical mistakes occur consistently throughout your story, but I suppose you could argue these were intentional because it was from the perspective of a teenage boy.

Leaving the assessment of grammar behind, we will move onto the literary devices you used in your pasta. "My other dog now is a different story. For this period of time she sits in her basket solemnly sulking, breathing heavily." is a fine example of alliteration that doesn't draw the reader away from the story, as is "My blood boiling and rising as this bat took a step closer towards me." These strengthened the overall effect of the story by adding diversity to the story.

Now, I notice the theme of your story seems to be Satanic in nature. Although this is grossly overused, I think you have crafted a relatively good story out of it. However, there are some instances that you simply tried too hard to make the story seem more frightening than it truly is. Having Emma's arms used as strings as if she were a marionette was not scary in the slightest, and the distortion of the couple's voices was more humorous than unsettling. In essence, your intended effect on the reader has not been achieved.

However, your pasta was very good in comparison to the usual stories I find on this site. You have crafted something that is well-worth the read, and I applaud your writing skills. I advise proofreading your story in the future to avoid damaging the story's atmosphere. 8/10"