Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26540829-20150630154017/@comment-26475800-20150630233253

There are some grammatical errors in this. At one point in the story you shifted from past tense to present, you used commas in places that didn't need them and so on.

Is twist that the protagonist is going to bring about the end of the world? Maybe have a little more build up to that, this seemed like it was going to be about aliens not the devil and demons. The only section which alluded to that was the intro with the imagery of what the end of the world would look like via the bible and Hollywood. So because of that it kind of comes from left field.

The build up isn't really the full of tension, a thing falls from the sky and the protagonist faints, looses his memory of how he was move (if he indeed loose his memory and wasn't moved by someone or something,) then is told he is the one that will bring about the end of the world in an obscure way. It is really slow, sorry.

What I would suggest you do is build the tension more. Have more than just what I had written above. Maybe when he blacks out have him see something. Have voices talking to him while he is in the hospital or something. build up the tension, in a way that would fit with the story.

The devil coming from the sky thing was good, only saw that in one book before (The Taking by Dean Koontz) so you should keep that in, but add more to what is happening. The person becoming the Antichrist is also a good twist, just don't let it come from nowhere. build up to that without giving it away.

I think that is what this story needs most of all, it needs some tension, some build up and some focus on what is really happening.

You can make this a good story but it will take a lot of work to do so.