Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26018970-20150131082154/@comment-26007602-20150131093014

Agree with everything Ruckus said. I would however, like to add on a bit about the ninth paragraph.

You need to "show, not tell". Do you see the problem? In one entire paragraph, you explain the entire twist (Which could have actually been decent) away. You just can't do that and expect us readers to be surprised. You need to imply it in prior paragraphs, otherwise it comes off as a deus ex machina, a little trick to explain the rest of the story. Hinting at the unusualness will also create tension and foreshadowing, heightening the creepy factor (which this story sorely lacks). There also needs to be a reason why she astral projects, not just "because."

Also, the explanation, "I didn't tell anyone because it would make them upset," is really, really weak.