Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20190815170123/@comment-5733573-20190815174623

It's okay. It's definitely rough and needs a second pass, but that should be easy given the solid foundation.

The biggest issue is that more time needs to be taken with the scary moments and revelations. I'm sure this comes as no surprise since you said yourself that you tossed this off in fifteen minutes. Give all of the scary stuff more space of its own in which to bloom and really make an impact.

It's also not really clear to me why this fellow should have died. Maybe you could tease some kind of health problem throughout the beginning of the story.

The second biggest issue is that some of your sentences are just a bit awkward. I found myself having to go back and reread a few of them just to make sure I parsed the information correctly. Smoothing those out will really help a lot.

Finally, the bit about the stain at the end really needs to go. It destroys whatever tension and fear was built up in the rest of the story.

Overall, it's not bad. I like how it manages to take the "running from death" trope and end it in an unexpected but still very satisfying way.