Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25985626-20150108132611/@comment-25148755-20150108175025

First of all, not a bad effort grammatically, especially considering English isn't your first language. There are a few minor errors throughout but nothing too major, considerably fewer than many of the native English speakers that post here. I wasn't too concerned about those because if the narrator is telling the story as a non-English person speaking English there are going to be a few minor errors in translation and wording so that, to me, actually helped add to the realism of the story.

I actually liked the story quite a bit. It was a haunting tale of childhood and there was enough detail that I felt myself connecting to the narrator. Unfortunately there were two fairly major plot points that seemed off near the end of the story.

First was Cindy's reaction to the bike being stolen. I understand that she'd be angry about it, but it seems a little harsh for her to expect the narrator to stand up to three older boys trying to take it. He'd get his ass kicked for sure. This one wasn't too bad. It's possible she would react that way, it just didn't feel right to me.

The second though is a fairly big one. If there's a fire like the one that destroys the house, especially a nice house in a (seemingly) good part of town like the one described, there is going to be an investigation to see what caused the fire. Now, the investigation might be cursory or rushed or whatever, but I really don't see the firefighters not wandering into the coop and finding the pile of dead bodies. So you could change it, maybe the kid reads about it in the newspaper, or maybe he's there when they remove the bodies and sees the orange hoodie. But as it is it just doesn't work.