Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25558572-20140923024132/@comment-25052433-20140923065827

Ok, so let's all gather our imaginary friends and write some imaginary reviews. This one, however, is real, I promise.

What went right:

-A lot. This was really excellent. The level of emotion that you were able to convey in this story was masterfully translated. This was a grim affair, and you made sure that I felt every second of it. Well done.

-The character development wasn't extremely heavy in this one, but the good news is that it didn't need to be. This was a plot driven story more than a character driven story, although the margin between the two is very slim. What you did provide in the area of character development was just about the perfect amount. Anymore and the story may began to pander, any less and it would just be a narrative about a suicide. You found and struck a great balance.

-Not all horror stories need to be terror stories. You seemed to latch onto that well in the writing here. The horror aspect is very well defined in the telling of this person's life. Since you kept it real, referencing real issues instead of reaching out into the realm of hyper-fiction to fetch the crisis, you made the story relatable to just about anyone. This is one of those great examples of a horror story that a non-horror fan could enjoy. While it is a horror story, more importantly, it's a person story, which makes it work on anyone's level.

-The ending was emotional and didn't spare the heart strings. This is a quality that is not always apparent in horror stories. Excellent job on tapping into that seldom seen dimension of horror writing.

What I would have changed:

-Honestly I can't critique too much here. I really did find this to be a well written story all around. Perhaps I would consider changing the ending a bit.

-With that, I don't mean you have to reverse your concept, however, I would have enjoyed a more 'salvation/justice' styled ending. Allow me to explain:

Salvation/justice is a formula that I use in most of my pastas, at least my longer ones. A good example would be in my story 'Joe Montana Saves the Princess.' That is a prime example of salvation/justice formula at work. The good guy wins, the bad guy dies. The hero finds his salvation, while the villain is delivered his justice.

Now, both of these concepts are not necessary in any story, and really, neither are always called for. However, in a situation where you build a lot of character development, where the reader really bonds with your character, you want to consider using either one or the other.

Salvation would be something along the lines of the main character realizing that she has something to live for and stepping off of that ledge.

Justice might be that the alcoholic mother is cursed by some fate after the death of the daughter. Perhaps the imaginary friend could somehow manifest in some form to the mother, forcing her to be held accountable for her failings as a parent.

While the first option will render a more positive, emotionally rewarding ending, the second option delivers a more dark, disturbing concept of retribution.

Barring either of those options appealing to you, you could always consider the true cliffhanger ending. Cut the story off before the girl either jumps or steps back. Let the reader ponder her fate.

In the end though, those are just my personal suggestions. I think this is actually a fine pasta as it stands, and would be a great addition to the site. Well done all around.