Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26221217-20150422174855/@comment-26221217-20150423000405

Whitix wrote: Take a looky at this. Your story hits all the tropes and pitfalls described there. You're going to need a serious rewrite to make this work.

Additionally, you need a space in between each paragraph, but that's just a formatting issue. The grammar seems well enough at a glance.

There's no horror or creepy aspect used at all in this piece; you simply rely on gore and shock value to get through. That's just not scary or original. Gore is used to supplement horror, not supply it. Miya has no characteristics or traits; she simply is abused and violently murders her parents. I'm sure you can do better than that.

I must also say that the beginning quote does not add anything to the story. Generally, a quote is used from a relatively well-known person to describe themes or other elements present in the story. You should never quote Wikipedia in your writings, as it is so out of place.

I'd scrap this story, as it is far too clichéd to work, and there's nothing creepy or unique in it. I'd seriously read that OC page so that in future projects, you can avoid that kind of story. Thanks for the advice, I'll rework it.