Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180503165213/@comment-9041013-20180505152455

EmperorinYellow wrote: Oh, I don't mean the text being convoluted, it was actually quite clear in its complexity, that's why I liked it. I really felt what the character felt. Its when the phrasing got somewhat convoluted (happened here and there only) that it pulled me away from really feeling as he was feeling. Paragraph 19, again, "Oh boy, that, this moment". That, this what then? It is weird, and makes the reader pause, look back at the text, then continue. Interrupts the flow of things. Its stuff that would pop up at a thorough revision. There is nothing wrong with your text structurally. It is pretty amazing actually. Phenomenal, even. It really got under my skin and then tore it apart! I can't seem to grasp at why you're stopping there, it just goes "that, this moment is when I came to..." there's no comma, no period, nothing to stop over and a few words later it is explained that he realizes what is true fear :)))