Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5726907-20170317115252/@comment-24101790-20170417211118

As I'm not too familiar with the overarching story, I'm afraid I can't give much plot advice. I'll cover the mechanical issues I noticed (note: these are the ones I copy/pasted, if I mention the issues, it's likely there are other issues and not just the ones I cite.)

"A doorway at the end of the hall led us to a small room, what I assume was once the foreman's office, and inside we found my first encounter."

Remember that dialogue tags should only be capitalized if it starts a new sentence or is a proper noun: ""Happy birthday!" They (they) all sang out in unison as we entered the room, some opting to blow into noise makers to punctuate just how very happy they wished us our birthday to be." ('punctuate just how very happy they wished us our birthday to be.' feels a bit awkward when read aloud.), ""Take a seat boys! It's wonderful you are here, we are so happy to celebrate your birthdays with you!" A (a) cheery, robust, rosy-cheeked gentleman", "it's so good to meet you and help make your birthdays special!" A jaunt, pudgy woman exclaimed,", etc.

Also punctuation doesn't need to be put outside of quotations: "First, an elderly, warm woman. "That is Grannie May!".", "Then, a young, well-groomed man.", ""That there is Cousin Ben!".", "Next, a motherly and clement young lady. "Sister Abigail".", etc.

Additionally only use a period in dialogue if it is the complete end of a sentence: ""Don't you fucking dare eat one bite, you little shit." the raspy, gravelly voice of Uncle Johnny suddenly barked out", ""Maybe we should go(comma missing)" I squeaked out, taking a step back.", ""Billy(comma/conclusive punctuation needed) we should really go." I found myself shouting, eager to leave.", etc.

Redundancy: "I have to tell you Saturn, if we ever do see these guys again. Man, if we ever see them I want to try to kill them." feels a bit redundant as it repeats the same phrase twice without a lot of purpose.

Story: Starting with the basics, I'm not sure if this is intentional, but Sister Abigail may end up drawing a lot of comparisons to the WWE character given their shared name. It can either enhance the story (but giving the audience an unconscious attribution to the character or it could distract.

Story cont.: I do like the reality changing for the cake and transforming into something unpleasant, but I might do a little more with Billy (who's still eating the cake) to really drive home the uncomfortableness of the situation and the protagonist's horror (as it really is the crescendo point for the story).

Finally, as I'm not too familiar with the earlier entries, I am a bit hesitant to weigh in, but I still think it should be mentioned that a series like this should advance the plot while telling standalone episodes. Lines like this: "I found it a bit curious and decided to figure out just how these things came under my possession. Hopefully I'll have another story transcribed soon." make it seem more like this could go on indefinitely rather than building to the ultimate conclusion. You don't have to give everything up front, but dropping hints and advancing the framing device along would likely make it more involving.