Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32310520-20170617063741/@comment-24101790-20170617140648

There are quite a lot of errors here so I'm going to focus on what I can find so this will not be a comprehensive list. Starting with the basics, a lot of your paragraphs need to be broken up to space out dialogue and to be less blocky. A typical paragraph is 5-10 sentences long. Any longer and it becomes blocky, any less and it feels like you're padding out the story.

Capitalization issues: "I" left uncapitalized. "I blink a few times and as reality came into focus I realized why i couldn't move my arms.", "Ever since i was a little kid I wanted to be a pro wrestler.", "Instead of an answer i feel the pinch of another syringe piercing my flesh and once again I black out.", etc. Improper capitalization in dialogue. ""Ahh you're awake," a familiar raspy voice said, "Now (now) we can begin your treatment."", "a frontal lobotomy." The (the) figure said sounding disappointed", ""Fine then" it growls, "You (you) want to do this the hard way?"

Punctuation issues: Commas missing from sentences. "Disoriented(comma missing_ I try to reach up and rub my eyes only to find I can't move my arms.", "I think to myself resting my head against the wall behind me", "I stand up and start walking down the trail towards the city bloody footprints following behind me.", etc. The best piece of advice I can give is to read the story aloud. The areas where you naturally pause in a sentence generally require punctuation of some sort.

Punctuation issues cont.: Punctuation missing from dialogue or incorrectly left outside of quotations. ""Well shit", I think to myself", "me, "I guess I really fucked up this time(.)"", ""Why are you doing this? Why me?".", etc.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "Its (It's) not much but it's worth a shot", "Its (It's) time for your therapy.", "sitting at the bench now as the souce of the singing now minus it's (its) mask and lab coat.", etc.

Wording: "All the things I left unsaid cuz I feared rejection or loosing (losing) one of my best friends", "The school of smothers building (I'm assuming that is a proper noun and should be capitalized), another dream I never followed for reasons I can't wrap my head around.", "I came too (to) a couple minutes later a warm breeze on my face", etc.

Story issues: "The patient's vital signs have remained stable since being placed in a medically induced coma. He seems to be aware of his surroundings, reaching out to visitors." A coma is a deep state of unconsciousness, they wouldn't be able to move around or speak. I think the state you're looking for is catatonic. Saying they're in a chemically-induced coma and then saying that they're moving around and speaking is contradictory.

Story issues cont.: You really should have dividers in place of perspective changes to improve story flow and prevent confusion. ""if he knows a woman named Amber and what his relationship is to her."

"I woke up in a white room with padding on the walls and no windows.""

Story issues cont.: Dialogue should be spaced out so two speakers are never on the came line. Lines like this: ""Come now Zane struggling won't help." "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!"" tend to impede story flow and can result in issues of misattribution.

Story issues end: Plot issues. "This is the third time I've gotten out this week but when the sun goes down tonight and the clock strikes midnight I'll fall asleep and wake up right back in that asylum with no memory of the days prior. I'm trapped in a loop." If he forgets the events prior, how does he know that he's stuck in a loop. Additionally, how does he know that this is the third time if his memory is blanked each time. There are other plot issues here, but I think this is a good starting place if you're looking to re-write your story and submit a deletion appeal.