Talk:Blobster/@comment-4715955-20160704043925

Wanted to get this out of the way before I forgot about it.

The narrative is already a much smoother read than before, getting right into the nitty gritty without rambling. I think the next step would be to experiment with the old adage, "Show, don't tell."

Obviously you don't want to "show" absolutely everything. Inconsequential details, or things that would otherwise take an entire book to explain, probably ought to be briefly mentioned to get it out of the way and get on with the story. But it depends how you want to tell the story, too. Take this passage:

"This could be a perfect find, a find that could propel her career. With only being on the work force for three months, she would really be making a name for herself."

This works fine as something to simply tell us, because it's an important detail, but you don't want to dwell on it too much or you'll derail the story. But that depends how the info is presented. You could present this info in the dialogue instead of narrative to make it more engaging, and you can be as subtle or expositional about it as you want. All depends whether you're going for a quick B-movie sci-fi vibe or a fleshed out Stephen King vibe, I guess.

But there's a way to "show" that detail without going too far off the track, too. You could have a brief scene showing a little bit of Amber's work day, and imply her desire for her own awesome scientific discovery. Maybe she has a peer who keeps bragging about her own, and it's been bringing Amber down and making her feel insignificant. That, too, could be revealed in dialogue, and through her actions, in just a couple paragraphs if it's done right. It could be revealed in flashback, or it could be the introductory scene -- her depression could be what led to the walk down the beach. See what I mean?

An example of something that's better shown than told is her attraction to Raoul. A brief passage explaining that she likes him is kind of a dull way to put it. SHOW her attraction. Maybe she brushes off his first flirty line, but can't help blushing. Or maybe she responds with an equally coy line. That would show us the attraction and give them both a bit more character at the same time. And save you the trouble of explaining it.

I'll probably comment again when I read through the rest, but bear in mind I can't re-read every edit. A lot of this stuff you'll have to just experiment with.

It'll be funny if EVERYONE submits a B monster movie scenario like we did, and gives the contest an accidental theme.