Talk:The Other Network/@comment-26525922-20150624162551

First, let me preface this as much of the story was good. Great set up. Great atmosphere. Great idea... Technology used? F-. Sorry OP, but when the technology used is a deal breaker it pisses me off.

I was prompted to read this story as it was "One of the best" the person referring me to this story had read. I guess my standards and theirs vary. It was a very good story until the lack of knowledge of tech ruined it for me...

Let us review some of the tech parts that broke the atmosphere and story for me:

"Once booted-up, I produced the network cable. It was an old grey one: the kind you attribute with screechy dial-up tones, and parents complaining about your hogging the phone-lines."

You simultaneously claim it to be a network cable and a phone line. MAJOR difference and network cables compatible with the ones we use today were becoming common in 1995. See Cat 5 standards. So, you don't need an old cable, and if you actualy were connecting using a phone like in a wall jack you would get no connection without dialing a number. If you opened up a terminal emulator and tried to connect that way you would still need a dial or set bit and baud... Sorry, minor error and I am explaining too much... Eliminating the bolded and italicized text would solve the entire issue...

" Nothing happened. No icons popped up, announcing that I had successfully connected to the Network, and the little signal-strength symbol in the bottom right of the screen insisted that I was not online. Puzzled, I checked the printout of the email. No mention of this. Perhaps the power being off was an issue, contrary to the given directions."

Well, usually when you connect to a network nothing happens. A direct cable connection depending on OS and cable vs WIFI dep[ends on if you get the computer icon(s) or the bars. WIFI will give you the bars/signal strength you are listing... Let us just say you loaded XP on this laptop with teh icons turned on. A network cable connection could create the two computer icons in the system tray that blink when a data packet is sent or received. Or you end up with the computer monitor looking icon with a possible cord (depending on OS).

"I called up the CMD window and tried sending a ping. A ping, by the way, is a kind of ‘echoed’ message that the computer can send out, to test a connection. It bounces back, or receives a response, from other machines and servers on the same network as you. To my surprise, I received two or three automated responses. I was online, all-right."

Shows grasp of knowledge of ping command. But this minor grasp of knowledge will haunt the author later... A ping sends a package to a computer that can be on any interconected network. Example, you are on your home network. It is connected to the internet. Google is also connected to the internet. You can ping google because the networks are interconnected. And yes, you get automated responses. They look like:

ping 127.0.0.1

Pinging 127.0.0.1 with 32 bytes of data:

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Ping statistics for 127.0.0.1:

Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 4, Lost = 0 (0% loss),

Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Minimum = 0ms, Maximum = 0ms, Average = 0ms

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">That is what happens when you ping yourself...

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">" I tried YouTube, but the page briefly 404′d before redirecting me to the patriotsearch website once more."

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">If you get the 404 page you rarely get rerouted. Minor, but not bad.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"A shrill ‘bleep’ startled me. I’d left the CMD drive open, after testing my connection. It was notifying me of an echoed ‘ping’. I re-opened the window and, sure enough, I had been pinged. Moments later, a second ping popped-up on the feed. A different source, though: the I.P address was listed beside the notification. As far as we know, that building is the only one with a connection to ‘the Network’, meaning that they hadn’t come from this side. As I tried to grasp what was happening, a third ping appeared. Something clicked inside my head, and I felt my stomach turn. I had grasped, blindly, into the unknown, and now the unknown was grasping back. People from this ‘other world’ had felt my clumsy investigations, and were, in-turn, investigating us."

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">And here that Ping thing shows you lost all grasp on the command... Sorry, but almost nothing in this paragraph happened.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"><span style="font-size:10pt;font-family:Consolas;color:rgb(212,212,213);border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">A shrill ‘bleep’ startled me. <span style="line-height:15.75pt;font-size:10pt;font-family:Consolas;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;"> (Ok, what caused this? It wasn't a ping or the CMD prompt.) I’d left the CMD drive Prompt open, after testing my connection. It was notifying me of an echoed ‘ping’. (Sorry, incapable of doing that) I re-opened the window and, sure enough, I had been pinged nothing changed. Moments later, a second ping popped-up on the feed nothing still changed.. A different source, though: the I.P address was listed beside the notification. As far as we know, that building is the only one with a connection to ‘the Network’, meaning that they hadn’t come from this side. As I tried to grasp what was happening, a third ping appeared still nothing changed. Something clicked inside my head, and I felt my stomach turn. I had grasped, blindly, into the unknown, and now the unknown was grasping back. People from this ‘other world’ had felt my clumsy investigations, and were, in-turn, investigating us.

Ok, so revised the guy is delusional and insane and suffering from a mental break or psychosis. He is hallucinating or just crazy.

Your hook ruined as you had the technology do what it is incapable of.

Try something like this instead:

As I was reading one of the news articles, I saw the mouse cursor jump. Startled I jumped back from the laptop. The browser quickly launched a new window and the cursor clicked on the address bar. It started typing a website into the bar. Stunned I sat back in horror as the computer took on a life of its own. The building and the atmosphere mixed with some unknown party taking control of my computer. How had this happened? Who was doing it? I remember hearing about infected image files that could install malware on your computer, but I thought the anti-virus would take care of it.

I slowly regained my senses and quickly thrust my hands back onto the computer. I looked up at the screen and saw the new web page loading. It wasn't a news site. It wasn't patriotsearch. It was something new. It was a logo like you would expect from the cold war days, but darker and it seemed twisted. Below it were just three letters. PIA. The text below it quickly told me that the Patriot Intelligence Agency was monitoring my activity and I should stay where I was. My searches had been logged and my IP address was reported. Authorites would be arriving shortly. The full text of the message looked like one of those RIAA or MPAA cease and desist orders, but threatening not just me with fines and jail, but death and imprisonment of my family.

I tried to click off the page and realized that it had taken over my entire desktop. The PIA logo and teh warning. And below that was a progress bar. Why hadn't I seen this bar? It has already ticked away to 50%. I can't cancel it. The mouse and keyboard are not responding. 54%. It is counting up. To what? What happens when the bar is full and it is done? This computer is clean. There is nothing on it. Nothing except... My name... When I installed the OS, I entered my NAME. They could have my name. 59%.

I grabbed the network cable in the back of the computer and frantically tried to pull it out. The clip was stuck. It would not come out. I pulled and pushed. And that plastic tab would not let go. 62%. I tried at the wall. Is this why the last cable was torn? They couldn't get it out? My heart is racing and my fingers trembling. I can't pull out that end either. I.. I am sweating. My fingers are wet. 66%. I can't unplug the cable. Torn... Torn! Yes, the last cable was torn. 68%.

I grabbed the laptop firmly with both hands and pulled. I pulled for my life. I pulled harder than I have pulled before. I heard a cracking popping noise. The laptop flew up and hit me in the face. But it was free. It was unplugged. I had won. 74%. The laptop was out and now I could relax. 75%. No, I disconnected it... It must be residual from the buffer. 76%. It is the buffer. I am not connected. I am safe. 77%. It is already downloaded and it is installing. It wasn't a download notification! It was installation. 78%.

I grabbed the battery and tried to pull it out. My slippery hands feebly fumbling over it. I couldn't pull back the catches. It will not release. 80%. I held down the power button. 10 seconds and it will shut off. 1. 2. 3. 4. 81% 5. 6. 7. 8. 82%. 9. 10. 11. 12. 83%. It isn't shutting off! 13. 14. 15. 16. 84%. It isn't working!

Change of tactics. I grab the laptop firmly by one side and start slamming it repeatedly into the side of teh desk. The LCD breaks causing a rainbow of colors on the screen. But it is still lit. It must be still counting. I strike it again and again. The light must go out... the screen flies off in pieces. Keys have popped off of the keyboard. The grey case is now warping from the blows. But the power button is still lit.

I raise it high above my head and swing with all of my might. It connects with the corner of the desk. Formica and particle board splinters from the corner of the desk join the plastic explosion from the laptop. It was dead. The lights were out. The motherboard was visible with a hole in it from the desk. I stomped on it. I wanted it destroyed so whatever they installed would not come into our world. I kept attacking it until parts were strewn all over the room. It was over.

---===end===---

Something like this to me seems much better than that section. It fits with the theme, encourages a sense of urgency and fear. And is all factually accurate.

If these small changes are made, I would opt for 9/10 or higher. it is just the tech section you originally failed and dropped a great story into a mediocre story.

And to others who read this review. What is better? my edits or the original? I will gladly take criticism.