Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24991749-20140625165153/@comment-24991749-20140626181054

Booboofinger wrote: First observation is that it seems like you have something against periods. You either use ellipses or commas when you should use periods. That...makes your story...hard...to...read...

You also need to break paragraphs when you have a different person talking in a dialog.

Whenever you have a list of people that includes yourself, the "me" or "I" should be the last person on the list.

There were also some weird expressions: "...you did a big bullshit there boy, so don't mess up again with them, ok?" the word "bullshit" usually means a lie or exaggeration. I think what you were trying to say is that he fucked up? Also, ok should be spelled okay when it's part of a conversation.

"... and i felt guilty for her, ..." why would you feel guilty for her? She didn't do anything wrong.

"Ma'am Nicklebotten,that kind, warmhearted women, didn't told my mom the truth?" women is plural. also "didn't tell my mom."

" deceased many years before" use "many years ago" instead.

Another inconsistency. If her husband died in WW II, how did the narrator know him? WW II ended in 1945, that was almost 70 years ago. Your narrator does not seem to be anywhere near 80 years old, so how could he have known her husband?

I could go on. But there are many such errors throughout the story and my comments would end up being longer than the story itself.

What I recommend is that you proofread this a little better and also look for plot holes like the one I mentioned as well. Look, I'm narrating the story, because it happend in the past. The narrator is actually me 10 years after the incident. And you're right, there are still few grammatical errors, so I should correct them, I don't think I've made so much mistakes that you could comment something bigger than my own story. I should reconsider that.