Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43909626-20190923085047/@comment-9041013-20190924233856

Pssysmasher69 wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote... So, I got you and sincerely appreciate the feedback.

I guess some context would be nice: I wrote this more as an exploration of the manipulation of Louie. There are multiple sites exploring the behavior in toxic relationships (I'm just linking one of many) I hope it is clear that I'm trying to incorporate these into the story but if there is a lack of build up then I do appreciate you letting me know-- I personally feel like I have a problem with pacing.

I wrote this strictly from a paranormal standpoint where Louie is manipulated so much so by Anna that he forgets his own death and his ghost, instead of moving on, stays manipulated by her-- that is, until the final scene. That's why I mention the out of body experience part. This is not a zombie story and I don't necessarily know why I would have to explain that Anna thought Louie was alive throughout this whole thing. That's especially the reason why she leaves running out the door at the end of the story

My biggest issue with giving Louie something else to do is that if he were to see himself he'd know he was dead. That's why I made him stay in bed all day-- also a metaphor for the crippling toxicity of the relationship. That's why the room is kept dark for the whole story.

It may feel like Anna and he may not do much outside of the cycle described but I'm coming from the school of thought of cutting out the "fat" or unnecessary details in the story. I just feel like explaining the intricate and exciting details of a worker at a grocery store is unnecessary for the story but I'm open to writing some more details for Anna if that will flesh her out.

Lastly, in regards to predictability, my question is: would more unpredictabilitiy be better? I did input quite a bit of foreshadowing in the story (dying orange sunlight, using skeleton instead of skinny, cold skin, etc.) and intrinsically by being in a horror story website you're expecting some sort of distortion or horror twist. I feel like it is kind of like Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet-- He literally spoils the plot in the first stanza. He's not trying to write an original plot-- he's trying to make you fall in love with the characters and feel that much more for them when shit does go down. If the characters are flat that's what worries me, not so much the plot direction. Let me know though. If I can make my story better, I'm more than happy to work on it. Yeah I saw the theme of a toxic relationship in this, but your emphasis on "well he's dead, so very much dead..." just kind of drowns it out.

Also, yes, the characters are flat, but you can't really expand their personalities without expanding the plot in this one. It's just a repeating cycle of events.

Maybe that's just not me... I don't know, if you can make the duo seem less static somehow, I guess it'll work better.