Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17758905-20150116185923/@comment-17758905-20150118035108

Umbrello wrote: The way the pasta starts, and the title, don't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the story. It doesn't deal with people knowing your location, just a murderer/rapist standing outside of someone's house and then chasing him. It doesn't mention him getting the main character's address from somewhere, or tracking him down, or stealing his personal information or anything. You even mention that if the killer gets out of jail he will know where the main character is. But why?

One specific thing that threw me was the banana. ''I wondered that if I didn't eat that banana would he be right at my house? ''So if he left his house sooner, the guy would be right at his house? That doesn't make sense to me.

You should also avoid arbitrary rhymes like "perturbed and disturbed". It made me chuckle. "Runaway Rapist" kind of made me chuckle, too.

Overall, I didn't find it scary, creepy, or very disturbing. The only thing that was kind of disturbing was that he slit the victims' throats before raping them. I think it needs more suspense in order to make that more effective, and less pandering by the narrator. A little more description of the guy would help, too. His presence needs to be more menacing, or perhaps disgusting. There's really a lot more you could do to make it scarier. Give it some thought. I have to admit I was thinking about dropping the banana part and the whole "who knows your location". I was waiting for someone else to agree with me to see if it was a good idea to drop it or not because you never know.

I didn't actually notice the perturbed and disturbed rhyme. Good eye. I had Runaway Rapist as alliterative appeal, but I guess it's probably not the best thing.

I was afraid this would look bland. Admittedly, it's not one of my best works, and I thought it was just an average idea.