Vampire Cake

Before we begin, I just want to say that if you're here for an antidote of any kind, you've come to the wrong place. Assuming you really are aware of being stalked by a vampire of some sort, it's likely you're here to search for an antidote to a vampire bite. You may find several recipes that claim to be antidotes to vampire bites, but none of these work. As far as anyone with knowledge of vampires knows, there is no cure for a vampire bite.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, do me a favour and don't overcomplicate things by reading this. After all, how much sweat does it take to put some garlic in a blender and disguise it as a banana milkshake? Or, if you're a Christian or someone in your house is a Christian, shove a Bible in the vampire's face. Another thing vampires don't like is stale blood, but for your sanity and the sanity of people around you, I don't advice you to dig up anyone's grave.

And let's face it - vampires can't handle light, right? You won't fool them by telling them to go out into the sunlight, but these days you can buy torches, or even better, flamethrowers. I wouldn't hesitate to say an AK47 would do the job, too - as long as the bullets are silver. Hell, any decent weapon with bullets would do. Take my advice and follow the methods listed above before you try anything too extravagant. Those methods require hardly any effort if you're a person with any sense at all.

Still reading? Good. Now, if you're still reading this, the reason might be is that you're curious as to why I posted this in the first place if I didn't want people to read it, or perhaps (heaven forbid) you're getting some sort of entertainment out of all of this. Or maybe you have nothing better to do and figure if you ever did come across a vampire, you could use this method to get rid of them.

Fine. Have it your own way.

Why did I post this in the first place, then? Well, if you were someone truly desperate, someone up against a vampire that you'd exhausted every other method of killing imaginable upon (including the ones I mentioned above), mere words on a screen couldn't stop you from finding what you need. It's more likely that someone with no knowledge of real vampires at all will stop reading than someone desperate to get rid of one - I don't want too many unnecessary readers. I know that won't fool everyone, but it's worth a try.

You see, a vampire's strength varies from vampire to vampire. Despite the fact that there are only a few exceptionally powerful, harder-to-kill ones, they're still out there. Mostly they disguise themselves as normal humans, and it isn't that hard, either. There are the physical advantages, but vampires have their ways. Yes, many people have succumbed to, shall we say, average-strength vampires, but in this day of social media and advanced technology, it's much easier to get rid of an average-strength vampire than it was back before the mid 20th century. These more advanced-strength vampires remain as hard to kill as ever.

But I won't complicate things more than they already are. If you're really that desperate, you'll know all this. For the sake of your trust, I won't guarantee the success of this recipe, but I can honestly say it's worked for me every time. If the vampire that eats this doesn't drop dead on the spot, it's more likely that you haven't read the instructions properly, but there's always a possibility of something different. Who knows? Vampires may already be becoming immune to this recipe - they are fast evolvers, after all. Or maybe they're just becoming stronger with time, and the recipe doesn't work like it should.

But I won't discourage you with my own theories. For this recipe, you will need:

Garlic (duh!) Preferably no more than 3 cloves of this, or the garlic overpowers the recipe and doesn't allow the other ingredients to mix in. If this happens, the recipe becomes ineffective altogether.

2 cups of melted silver It doesn't matter what type of silver you use, as long as you know it's the real stuff and have checked to make sure it isn't actually plastic or glass or something like that. There are several methods for melting silver, but you can use Google to find out which one works best for you. Note that the silver must be still completely melted when it comes into the recipe.

1/4 cup of holy water (or an equivalent to that, if it isn't going to be placed in a cup) Now, for the recipe to be effective, you or somebody assisting you with the recipe must be Christian (or Catholic - somebody who believes in God, anyway). You cannot, for example, take some holy water from a Church and add it into the recipe believing it's ordinary water. You must have a Christian add it in for you, or at least assist you while you're adding it into the recipe.

1 cup of curdled milk Unless you haven't already got a one-month old milk carton lying around with milk in it somewhere, this ingredient might be a challenge. Like for melting silver, there are several methods of curdling milk immediately, most of them involving lemon or orange juice. This won't hurt, so again, use Google to find out what works best.

3 cups of fresh blood Yes, you read correctly. Three cups of fresh blood - an ingredient not for the faint-hearted. I'll leave it up to you to figure out how to get that blood, but let's hope for the sake of humanity that you don't take it upon yourself to murder somebody. The blood has to be fresh, so you can't rob a grave or anything like that. This ingredient is included because, with so many other ingredients harmful to a vampire, it hides the scent of the other ingredients and is what attracts the vampire in the first place. The blood cannot be animal blood, either - vampires, especially the ones we're dealing with here, are very good at detecting different blood types, and animal blood isn't their thing.

1/2 cup of baking soda This will do nothing to alter the other ingredients, but is used just to thicken up the recipe.

2 tablespoons of vinegar For extra spice.

The method itself is probably the simplest part of the whole recipe, but how effective the recipe is on the vampire (or vampires) depends on how well you do it.

Step 1: Preheat oven to 220 degrees Celsius (428 degrees Fahrenheit). Step 2: Place milk and garlic in blender and blend until garlic is completely liquefied. Step 3: Transfer into a bowl. Add in baking soda and stir, making sure it completely dissolves. Step 4: Slowly add the blood and stir gently. This should take you at least 20 minutes. Step 5: Stir in the vinegar, closely followed by the holy water. Step 6: Add in the melted silver and whisk until it forms a dull red paste. Step 7: Place in oven for 20-30 minutes and set in a cool, dry place.

The overall result is a dense, copper-coloured cake that reeks like curdled milk. To vampires, however, the cake is blood paradise.

Now all you need to do is take a reasonable-sized chunk of the cake and hide it somewhere the vampire won't be suspicious about. If I were a vampire and I saw a giant-looking blood cake sitting right in the middle of an ordinary human's living room, I'd take a closer look to find out what's really in the cake. Of course, there are other methods of luring the vampire in, which you're free to use or test out. There'll still be plenty of cake left in the end, which you can store for later use. Just make sure nobody discovers this cake lying around - or smells it.

If you've done everything right, the vampire will soon have a fast-acting poison in its bloodstream and before it can do anything, it will drop dead on the spot. As for disposing of the body? Well, this shouldn't be too difficult. There are many ways of disposing of a body, too many to mention here, so choose what method you will. Nobody will notice the loss of another vampire. Even the vampires themselves won't notice - they're too absorbed in a world of their own.

As for what happens to the vampire's spirit after it dies, well... that's another story.