Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10789912-20151008060113/@comment-10789912-20151010021802

JohnathanNash wrote: Okay, so I didn't read any of the responses before posting, so if anything is repeated, sorry.

We should start with the easiest part first, grammar. It really clean and easy to read. There was one thing that had jumped out at me in the first chapter. I said I was going to remember it so when I got down here I wouldn't have to look it up, but I forgot. So let me find it again really quick and I'll tell you more about it. You said "on brain cancer" which should be "of brain cancer." Besides that there was nothing that had jumped out at me.

Now onto something that will take a little longer, the story. It seemed to be a good start, but there are a few things that I would suggest get changed, namely in the first paragraph. You spend so much time describing each and everyone that it bogs the story down. You could do this in a different way, which would make the first chapter longer and a little more entertaining.

Perhaps, instead of listing what these people look like, you can have them interact and point out their appearances while they are near each other. Like you had given exact high for each of them. You could lose the exact height and add it to tallest, medium and smallest. Like, sorry I won't use the correct names (I don't remember my own names I come up), "The girl who was the shortest of them all, at least a foot shorter than Micheal, was sipping her drink as Andy made a fool of himself."

That would handled the only thing that I found bogged the story. The boat was good with description, as well as character development. But there seemed to be something missing, maybe a little more dialogue would do it better.

And the last thing that I would suggest, although it is most likely answered later in the story, is the relationship between Micheal and this demon. When the demon appeared it seemed like we should have known who he was from the start of the story. I would give a little more data about him when he shows up to throw off any confusion.

Now besides those three things everything else seemed great. This caught my attention and I will love to read the rest of it when you are done. Keep on this story, because I want to read it all the way through, and if you only post the teaser that is not fair.

Once it is finished or you have the rest in the WW let me know and I will try to be one of the firsts to read it.

When you say "the demon", you're either referring to The Masked Man, and Mendes.

Mendes and Michael's relationship was shown in In Torment III, and the much shorter In Torment: Excubia. This is attempting to show why there was much collected hostility. The Masked Man was a character in The Night Man, and this story is Michael's first, and so far only, time meeting him.

I'm going to re-word the intro a bit, but the main reason I stopped interaction between Michael and the others (except Vincent), was to show that he is more of an introvert, and that Joshua was his polar opposite, along with admiring Melody from afar. I will be taking all of this to heart, though, and run through the prologue and alter it a bit.

Thank you. I am very happy you enjoyed the teaser for this story. Your criticism means a lot to me.