Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20150303214112/@comment-25941663-20150309191414

I noticed a small issue. In the part about the 'bathroom lampreys', the narrator says he hasn't seen the 'Parasites Lost' episode. How does he know the name of the episode?

A bit further down you write "turning into as owl" -> "turning into an owl".

"into fun house props and now they were coming after us!" I am not sure about this, but if this sentence is the narrator's thoughts, shouldn't it be 'are' instead of 'were'?

"Geez Louise, Kevin, I thought as..." shouldn't 'Kevin' be in italics?

"Whatever animated her now was longer human life" Shouldn't this be "Whatever animated her now was no longer human life"

This was an interesting read, I don't think I have read anything like it before.

Having said that, at times it was a bit confusing. You throw too many names around and at points I got lost. Generally, I got the feeling I was missing something, like something that is very obvious but I just can't grasp it. Maybe it is because the story is a sequel (?) that I haven't read.

Also, the story started off slowly. Pretty much nothing happens until the halfway point, something that would have bored most casual readers. If you weren't such a good writer and the story wasn't flowing as it is, I don't think I would have finished it. You need more happening, most of the time it feels like pointless rambling.

Finally, the story for me was more atmospheric than creepy. This isn't a bad thing, but I would have like more 'scares'. Honestly, this feels more like part of a novel than a creepypasta.

Overally, this was very well written and it flowed nicely. It could have done with more creepiness and less names, in my opinion.