Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20170203191929/@comment-9041013-20170203215439

Jake888 wrote: They were here before, forty-seven years ago. The Obscure people came here at the dusk of the eighteenth of July on the six thousand three hundred sixty nine years since the creation of this world. That evening was a typical one for our residents[comma]' nobody suspected a thing. Then, however, a thick fog had covered the shores of the Bosporus and yet no one had expected anything out of the ordinary that evening. Obviously'''[I think there should be a comma here. I might be wrong but I think a sentence like "Obviously stupid questions are not accepted" requires no commas, but "Obviously, people like that are stupid" does.]' every last person went back home because the visibility was so bad one could not perform any of even the simplest tasks without a torch at hand.[This sentence is correct, but I think you should remove '"any of" I just feel it slows down the sentence and reads weird.]''' I cannot fathom how these creatures managed to navigate through the thick fog that befell the shores of our capital that night, perhaps they were its cause, I cannot tell for sure. May be[maybe] it was even a punishment from the Lord himself, and those creatures whom I am not sure are entirely human were just a scourge of God sent upon our people. Perhaps our luxurious lives here at the capital brought these devils upon us.

Without anyone’s notice, they anchored their ships at the peripheral shores. Within mere moments from their stoppage, loud screams and roars of inhuman origin were heard near the residential buildings in our capital’s suburbs, those closest to the sea'[this sentence feels weird, after the comma it sounds like you're talking about a group of people, not buildings]. The residents of said buildings went outside to see what the source of these noises was, unfortunately for them; it was a lethal mistake on their behalf. These obscure people went about slaughtering and burning everyone and everything that crossed their paths. Tell me, what would you do if you saw hundreds, no thousands of pale skinned, bright haired giants covered in blood of your neighbors, drunken from their slaughter marching towards you? These poor people, good people, they had no choice but to try to run for their lives.

One survivor had told us what these obscure people did in great details. He said that the one who was marching before all the other obscure people was a specimen of great height and broad shoulders, he also said that this specimen had drawings[war paints, heiroglyphs or symbols would sound better, I think]' on the left side of his face and that his hair was long and blonde. This giant was referred to by his kin as “Dir” apparently. When the survivor had gotten to lay eyes upon the giant Dir, the giant threw his great axe at a farmer’s head and the blow was so powerful that the head was severed from its body and flew straight at the chest of the poor farmer’s wife who fell down to the ground in utter terror. The farmer’s headless corpse fell to its knees as a fountain of blood splashes from the newly formed gash atop of its neck[Again, you can cut this sentence down, remove "newly formed]'. The survivor told us that he saw the giant Dir approach the weeping woman, after which he saw the giant grabs[grab]' the axe handle release the head of her now dead husband from her embrace[what?]. According to the survivor, Dir yanked the head out of the axe blade and raised it proudly into the sky as he screamed as[like] a rabid wolf filled with murderous[Pro Tip: go through every single adjective and adverb and ask yourself what they do to improve the sentence. If you can't find a reason, strike it out. I think you knew this already, but I just wanted to bring attention to your editting] joy. Dir then proceed to slice a third of the poor woman’s head with a single strike of his great axe as the giants from behind him began running towards the buildings of the suburbs screaming like wild animals ready to tear their pray to bits.

Our survivor is one brave man as he witnessed all of the above happening from his window and realized that he had to protect his family[comma or full stop] thus he grabbed a knife and stood behind the entrance door to his house after telling his wife and children to hide. Soon enough, as if by magic, the survivor started hearing loud banging noises on his wooden door and quicker than a lightning strike – an axe blade pierced through the wooden planks. He stood behind the door, waiting until the assailant would break enough of the blanks in order to shove his head and take a look around the house. Once the survivor saw a head make its way through a hole in the door he stuck the knife in its[his] hand into the throat that held said[Um, I would remove or rephrase the last part] head in its place. In spite of being wounded and looking blood the assailant managed to slash at the survivors face before finally collapsing as a puddle of blood began forming beneath his body.

Using the blood of the assailant the survivor and his family managed to stay relatively unscattered[unscratched?], the survivor ordered his family to rub the blood on vital areas of their bodies and play dead when they hear anyone coming near their house[are these giants zombies, or what?]. Soon enough when more of these obscure people showed up they thought everyone inside was really dead and just threw in a torch to destroy the building. They did not even take the corpse of their fallen comrade with them! Can you grasp how barbarous those monsters are?!'''[they savagly murdered people and destroyed a village, but the most shocking part is... oh, god! They didn't pick up their dead friends.]''' They do not even bury their dead! The survivor claimed he grabbed his wife and two children as quickly as the obscure people had left his house and ran off with them to the hills that are present just behind the suburb he had used to live in. The poor man might have survived himself but he claimed he was forced to watch as relatives, friends and neighbors are being slaughter aimlessly while he runs for his life.

The attacks on the suburbs continued for almost a month and a half, after each attack we were sure these beasts are trying to sacrifice the victims of their maddened wrath to the devil himself[how the fuck did the townies survive that long????]. The mutilation that was brought upon the poor souls residing in the suburbs seemed almost ceremonial. The obscure people would pull out the guts of victims from within their bodies; they would pull out organs like hearts and lungs to parade them amongst themselves only to end up throwing all of these pieces of human flash into the sea. A certain body was found with a bite mark on its shoulder, what kind of a sane man would bite an unarmed person especially while the biting man himself has weaponry at his disposal.

We had no way of driving these obscure people away, the Emperor Michael was away fighting the Arabs in Anatolia and most of the army was gone with him. The attacks on the suburbs were not the worst thing for us – that was the fear of Constantinople being besieged by the obscure people. That was indeed the worst part of these forty-two long and agonizing days. The whole city was struck with panic, nobody refused to leave or enter. It seems like we besieged ourselves inside our own capital city using only our own fear of the obscure people. They had us surrounded without using any machinery or manpower – simply by intimidating us into submission.

At a certain point guards were stationed at each of the cities numerous entrances and were forced to make sure no one gets in the city; we had a large influx of refugees from the suburbs. Surely soon enough soldiers were told to keep everyone inside and to keep the refugees outside out of fear they won’t be refugees but obscure people in disguises trying to breach in the city and burn it to the ground. There were instances where soldiers killed refugees out of the same fear that they might have been just imposters.'[are these guys actually giants, as in, are they basically big?]

Even this was not the worst of all, God had more for us in store. After going[growing] weary of raiding the same place for over a month the obscure people had gone tired of their pointless massacre and decided to head north, but not along with the flow until it takes them to the hell’s gate they were spawned from, instead they were on their way to Prince Islands, where our clergy resided.

They took any possible thing from the churches on the islands. Along with any object light enough for a giant dirty man beast from the north to carry; this party also took twenty-two monks. Only one survived… Simply to tell us the stories of what had transpired on the Prince Islands. According to the surviving monk the other monks were cut into tiny pieces after which those pieces were thrown into the Bosporus.[I'm guessing these guys are vikings, I have thought that since like the fifth paragraph, but giants just seems wierd, vikings were normal sized, avrage?']

One of the monks was tied up between two pillars on a ship and his back was sliced open with a burning knife. After the opening was big enough to actually spread open, his skin and muscle tissue were pulled backward like a book by an obscure man[what does it matter who opens the book?], then his ribs were broken off of their base and opened up like wings and lastly, mommy, his lungs were draped over his shoulders.'''[yeah, these guys are fucking vikings, man, I was right -- I'm a historical genius. Still, why gaints?]''' The surviving monk told us that the whole ordeal appeared as if there were hyenas or lions feasting and mocking God’s greatest creation – the holy angels themselves. The surviving monk added that once they were done mutilating and abusing the poor monk he appeared similar to the angel of death himself. He claimed to notice how the obscure men jeered and cheered at the tortured monk’s pain and suffering, he even said some were spitting in his face while others urinated on this poor martyr. The surviving monk claimed the whole process took around an hour from start to the martyrs eventually death. Apparently, all of this was done to make sure the monk does not lose consciousness from his pain.

The surviving monk complained'''[complained? I complain about my coffee being cold, mate. You ought to use a stronger word here.]''' that one of the other monks was tied upside down as two obscure men began cutting him down with a saw. The surviving monk continued on saying that another monk was dismembers in bits, seems like after cutting off the monks legs one of the obscure men got tired of his friends screaming so they shoved one of his legs into his mouth. The survivor claimed he tried to look away but there was always someone to force his head and eyes to stay on the diabolical spectacle before them.

According to the surviving monk, the worst thing these obscure men had done was tying up one of his friends, cutting both of his cheeks from side to side almost reaching his ears. In edition he had said that they made two small cuts below his eyes to make his blood, cover his face and then they pulled out his eyes and tore of his eyelids. If that was not enough, the monk who had survived claims the obscure men decided to simply beat the tortured monk to death with their sword and axe handles.

With each passing blow, the tortured monk squealed like a pig while his empty eye sockets widen and his mouth becomes so wide agape the entirety of his jaw was visible. The tortured monk thrashed his head from side to side in an unnatural manner as blood fills every last patch of skin upon his face and neck. The surviving monk said he was so disgusted by the sight of his friend that he had vomited and that the obscure men tried to make him swallow his own vomit, to no avail however. Once the obscure men realized they were unable to force him to swallow his own vomit they hit him on the back of his head to knock him unconscious. The surviving monk said the last sight he remembers before waking up on the shore of one of the Princes Islands is the sight of the mutilated face of his friend, the crimson filled skin, the monstrous forced grin and those penetrative hollow sockets. A face he said would probably suit the devil… a face that I think would disgust the lord himself.

Fortunately, for us, just as the obscure people came, so they left. On the forth of august that same year they left us to our own devices. Today, however, they are back once more, this time with a new leading giant at their forefront. His hair may be adorned by the color white but his physique is still impressive. This is another divine punishment to us for our sins, that punishment is known amongst its diabolical subjects as “Oleg”.

Okay, so I if I have to say one thing above all it's this: edit, edit, edit, edit, and when you've done that wait a week or two and then edit, edit, edit, edit, edit and guess what? Fucking edit that bitch some more. I stopped correcting every single mistake half-way through because I got bored.

Though I must say: the plot-line was good. I liked how you used viking history, well I presume at least. I'm no historian but I know my fair share. The only thing I want you to tell me is: why are they gaints, they were are big as Celts(I presume, you based this in Ireland where they riaded monasteries. If I'm right about them being fucking vikings.) I was falling asleep while translating this into english LOL

Anyhow, its a novelization of a Rus' raid on Constantinople from 860AD. according to greek sources a shit ton of russians raided their capital and we only have the names of legendary rulers of slavic folk from that region from this point in time. Think of middle eastern people, they're pretty much short while Russians and Norsemen are constantly 6" 3+ thats huge.