Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26502770-20150619224846/@comment-26007602-20150620002437

Alright, there are many, many grammatical issues here (even in the title, should be: A Reward for an Unintended Favor). I'm on my phone, so I can't really copy and paste every single one (as that would take forever), but I think you should know that they do heavily impede the reading of the story. Post this in Word or another word processor or maybe wait for another user to point some of the issues out before you rewrite this, as the grammar does need to be addressed.

What I can help you with however, is the story. I'll go by this piece by piece.

Why does the protagonist wake up naked and proceed to immediately put on clothes? You introduce a possible conflict and immediately solve it in the next sentence. Nakedness can be useful in horror as it gives a sense of vulnerability and helplessness. Don't start to use it and immediately solve the issue. You also need some more description in this story. Saying, "the room looked like a hospital one" doesn't really cut it. Gives us some atmosphere; what features make it look like a hospital room? Satan as well should get some description.

You should definitely elaborate (maybe with some flashbacks to lengthen the story) on what caused Jack to hate these women. He killed his girlfriend in the name of satan because she broke up with him? That's sort of... Weak. And why does he hate his sister? What did she do to hurt him?

The story itself isn't much; just a conversation between Jack and Satan. There's nothing creepy here at all, no real build up to the meeting with Satan and no real horrifying ending. Sure, the police come to arrest Jack, but we don't care about jack as a character because we can't relate to his plight nor any of his character aspects. If you want to end this story this way, you need to give readers a chance to relate with Jack in some way, so we care about what happens to him. He has no character or any likability so far, so I'm glad that he is arrested and the story has failed to creep me out.

To increase tension in the beginning where it is sorely lacking, you should probably draw out the hospital scene. Hospitals can be creepy, let Jack explore one more thoroughly before meeting with satan.

That's all I've got for now; I don't believe in numerical rating systems, so I'm not going to give you a score. Know that the grammar must be fixed along with the story issues.