Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24694643-20140702225405/@comment-24381191-20140704193118

Xindo88 wrote: Sykokillah wrote: Xindo88 wrote: Sykokillah wrote: Xindo88 wrote: Sykokillah wrote: A dystopian future after World War 3. Teenagers surviving day to day and one guy struggles to forgive another for killing his dad. Seems like an awesome story. Heck, even Suggested Reading worthy.

Why doesn't it work? Because there's hardly any detail. The initial thing that pulled me into the story was to know what Anarchia looked like. You didn't give any indication to that except for the sinkhole. It kinda took me out of the story. Also, there's two plotholes, one scene the old guy can hear perfectly, the next, he's all, "i'm a little deaf."

Why are the Groupers (or is it Gropers?) turning people into mutant freaks, and how do you not know what a mutant is. The mutants should also have like sores, and rashes and stuff on their skin. Maybe they should still have some humanity.

I'mm not gonna comment on what others pointed out in the last thread.

This story has alot of potential, but right now, I just don't see it. Ok, thanks for the help! I keep forgetting to add detail and fill in plotholes. Hopefully the final copy will be better. Your welcome, and I'm hoping to see a better, revised version of this, the concept is pretty good and if you're able to describe everything right, and give that atmospheric paranoia, I'm pretty sure you'll nail it. Yeah, I need to get used to the creepypasta writing habit, that it has to be detailed, has to be scary etc. Gosh, trollpastas are  much easier to write! Yeah, they're so easy. Can I ask one thing? What did you mean by who were the groupers? Did you mean the grinders? Well anyway, they didn't turn the Shulks into radiated creatures. It was just money loss from the riots, so the nuclear power plants leaked everywhere. I'll try and make that more clear.

Wait, that's actually quite a good idea! I'll probably put that in the 3rd (hopefully final) copy, that the grinders caused the leaks. Thanks for the "accidental" idea! By the Groupers I did mean Grinders, I'm just bad at remembering names and stuff. Also, maybe this is just me, but Anarchia should have a variety of names, like every one calls it by a different name, cause, what are the chances of one kid knowing everything going on in the world? Maybe Anarchia is the name he grew up with.