Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26506868-20160619185037/@comment-24101790-20160619194315

There are quite a lot of issues here so I'm going to focus on the glaring ones involving punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues. Starting with the basics, these paragraphs needs to be broken up. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences long, any longer and the text appears blocky. Additionally you need to space it out so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. This is done to prevent misattribution and to improve story flow. ("She said. "What? Are you kidding me?  You can't stay here with that thing!" I yelled as tears welled up in my eyes.  "Ladies Ladies, don't talk like I'm not here.  Come on.  Take a seat and relax." He said")

Punctuation: Apostrophes missing from contractions and possessive words. "I was on the pitchers mound,". Punctuation improperly used in dialogue. ""Hellllllooooooooo." He said", "we can go." I replied", "Come home with us and we'll help you." I said", "Amy we need to leave now." I said.", "two straight weeks with no sign of him." I replied", etc. You also forget to use commas a number of times. "Amy we need to leave now."", " Dear god(comma missing) his face was just... Wrong(wrong).", etc.

Capitalization: There are a lot of miss-capitalizations here. "while the teachers "Watched" us,", "you owe me a 2 Liter of Coke.", "your hand, He grinned this wide smile", "Ladies Ladies(ladies), don't talk like I'm not here.", ""Kill them." Over and Over.", ""Oh No No No No No No.", etc. You also tend to improperly capitalize words after dialogue. ""Because that's where he is." She (she) replied.", ""Hellllllooooooooo." He (he) said", " Don't you know how to SMILE?" He (he) said as he burst into laughter again", etc. Unless the dialogue is the end of the sentence or the next word is a proper noun, continuation of the sentences should not be capitalized.

Wording issues: "He liked books to (too),". There=indicatory, they're=they are, their=possessive. "Their (they're) at Blackish.". "I'd be lying (lying) if I said my underwear was entirely dry at that moment.", " Out of his whole body, the only thing still un-burnt was (were, as teeth is plural.) his teeth". "Amy had recollected herself and started moving forward twords (sic) Blackdash.", "I was starting to hope she didn't say anything about what she say (sic), if this is what it would do to me.", " I could see anything but their teeth, showing in an almost comical grin.", etc.

Story issues: here's where a majority of the issues were. Starting with the basics, this story feels very rushed. It glosses over the events from the boy's disappearance, the subsequent search party, to the events in the mill, and their encounter with the Smile Man. You need quite a lot more detail here to make the story involving. It just feels like you're jumping from event to event without really building up the important of what is happening.

Story issues cont.: There's a real lack of description here that weakens the story. Lines like: "His face... Dear god(comma missing) his face was just... Wrong(wrong).  A smile had been burned into his cheeks." (especially when you say this earlier (" But as I turned back to look ahead, I got a glimpse into what can only be described as the face of hell itself.") and "As we got closer and closer, the laugh got louder and louder, until it was almost unbearable." This lack of detail and description really weakens the overall story.

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here ranging from punctuation, capitalization, wording, grammar, spacing, and spelling issues. On top of that, the story is fairly rushed and there isn't any real build-up or tension to the story due to the lack of detail/description. If you're planning on appealing this deletion, I would strongly suggest re-writting this from the ground up as there are a lot of issues present in the story.