Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27132971-20181113165025/@comment-36627132-20181114034739

Timbolimbo.com wrote: NedWolfkin wrote: I think you may have rushed writing this story to get it posted in time for Veteran's Day. I didn't even add his review because it's so FRICKING LONG. I, honestly, did not see all those things coming, what he pointed out. Like I said, grandfathers are known for their "fish stories", drunken or not, and those who are drunk (my dad, specifically) are known to cry for no valid reason...wait a minute...

Am I debunking my own story? Well, my grandfather's which I posted on here?

Sincerely, Mr. Lumber Alrighty then, let me break it down into 10 points.

1) Break it down into more paragraphs. Dialogue should be broken into paragraphs for each new sepaker.

2) At least check out the spelling and grammar issues I've listed.

3) The whole framing device is pointless filler.

4) Your grandfather would have been around 20 years old during the war, therefore it would have been impossible for your father and uncles to serve in it too.

5) Nazis would not have had such a facility so grossly unguarded.

6) Having holocaust survivors become zombies is tasteless.  "I looked up towards that mutant Jew. Then I realized. It wasn't a Jew anymore. It wasn't even human." sounds anti-semitic.

7) "Dennis came to my aid, quickly wrapping up the cut with a piece of cloth" if the wound is deep enough that probably won't help very much.

8) "He soon explained he'd been trying to forget the whole incident, and that he had wanted to forget the war altogether." then why did he sit there and listen to it?

9) Nazis never disappeared. Some fled to South America after the war. Nazi revival has almost always been around.

10) As Dr. Bob said, do some research.

Also you posted this suspiciously shortly after The Game: Horrors of the Battlefield was posted, which makes me think you got the concept of a war story that was told to you from it. And as I've said, I feel like you rushed writing this story for Veteran's day.