Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27008899-20160427173319/@comment-25569708-20160502005828

Greetings, Demuerto!

Wow, what a story! I really liked the ending, but I'll get to that later. First, the errors in the story. Use Ctrl + F to find what I'm talking about:

"it's laws" should be "its laws"

"and ,therefore" should be "and, therefore"

"shows it has no concept of fair." should be "shows it has no concept of fairness."

"applause proceed the announcement" should be "applause followed the announcement"

"world wide." should be "world-wide."

"Within weeks my mother cured of her affliction." should be "Within weeks my mother was cured of her affliction."

"Plants and other animals were not effected by the nanobots" should be "Plants and other animals were not affected by the nanobots"

"...and remain dormant until they entered one." should be "and remain dormant until they enter one."

"All humanity united under one goal, to further understand the universe which we live in." should be "All humanity united under one goal, to further understand the universe which we lived in."

"Slowly at first, then all at once her had shake" should be "Slowly at first, then all at once she had started to shake"

"'Whoopsie.' she said as though the vegetable and slipped from her fingers" should be "'Whoopsie,' she said as though the vegetable had slipped from her fingers"

"she began just where she was." should be "she began just where she had left off."

"We all stood and watch as his limbs slowly crawled back to his body" should be "We all stood and watched as his limbs slowly crawled back to his body"

"The mans eyes" should be "The man's eyes"

"Dusting off his, he simply turned around and walked off" should be "Dusting himself off, he simply turned around and walked off"

"As I was having dinner with my girlfriend at a local restaurant." should not be a sentence on its own.

"trade off" should be "trade-off"

"every day society" should be "everyday society"

"I got to the point were" should be "I got to the point where"

"On his 81st birthday, scientist became intrigued" should be "On his 81st birthday, scientists became intrigued"

"peoples entire bodies would quiver" should be "people's entire bodies would quiver"

"people could be seen wondering the streets" should be "people could be seen wandering the streets"

"Every so often their eyes would move, they would move a limb, or a cry for help" should be "Every so often their eyes would move, they would move a limb, or they would cry for help"

"Please! help us!" should be "Please! Help us!"

And finally, "the jitters" and "jitter zombies" should be in quotations.

Okay, now for my thoughts on the pasta. I thought it was a very interesting story, and I was hooked until the end (which I thought was quite disturbing and surprising). However, the story jumps right into the "jitters" part very quickly. And once everyone realizes they will never die and the "jitter syndrome" begins, everyone all over the world seems to get severe jitters for no reason. I thought that the inventor and the governments were trying to fix this with new nanobots? Why don't they work? I'd also like to know what the global response to the nanobots/jitter syndrome was.

Well, those are my thoughts. Make sure to iron out those issues, you have a really good story!

Good job and good luck, fellow Creeper!