Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25940466-20141230030653/@comment-25665684-20141230050213

Wow, okay. I can tell you straight off the bat, without even reading the story, that you're going to need to split this up into way more than two paragraphs. These two massive towers of text coupled with that font make this pasta killer on the eyes.

Another thing: You're having multiple characters speak in the same paragraph, which just ain't gonna fly. (Even though I just finished 'Salem's Lot and for some reason Stephen King got away with doing it once or twice. I think spitting in the face of the rules is only okay when you've actually published something.) Your characters exchange dialogue too often to not start a new paragraph whenever one of them speaks up, and anyhow that's what you're supposed to do. When I was reading, I had trouble understanding who was saying what. It's Amber, and then it's Kailee. Oh, wait, that was Amber, too. And then Kailee. Or was that Austin? No, definitely Kailee. Starting a new paragraph would definitely fix that issue.

Being a stickler for punctuation and grammar (or at least fancying myself one), I also must point out something that annoyed me to no end. Towards the end of the story, you repeatedly use the word "it's" when you're talking about something that belongs to the clown. That's incorrect. It's, with an apostrophe, is a contraction. Only use it when you're too lazy to type "it has" or "it is". Its is the correct way to show possession. The two are not interchangeable. For example: "We just sent you the package. It's on its way to your home."

Anyway, on to the meat of the narrative. I think I got what's going on at the beginning, but you didn't explain it at all. It's a sleepover, right? Or what? The reader can't really tell. Also, I was sort of confused about the age of the girls. The beginning gave me the impression that they were pretty young, middle school-aged at the most. Then they start cussing and I assume they must be teenagers. It is indeed better to show than to tell when you're writing a story's exposition, but you need to give a little explanation somehow.

Who is this Austin guy? He kind of shows up for no reason and doesn't do much to advance the story. I'd say gut him, but I guess he's not doing any harm.

When Kailee is being dragged into the closet, she screams. Why doesn't Amber hear her? They're in the same room, and Amber's apparently close enough to whisper to. If Kailee's freaking out like she is, then it should wake Amber up.

Once the clown nabs her, I guess it takes her to another dimension or something like that. That has potential, I think. But moths aren't all that scary. Moths, like their cousins the butterflies, don't bite people and are harmless. A horde of moths descending upon you like an Egyptian plague would be uncomfortable and weird, for sure, but I'm not sure it would qualify as torture. I mean, Kailee's alone in a dark closet with a demonic clown with razor sharp teeth and a penchant for giggling like a weirdo. Most people wouldn't be to bothered by the moths at this point. That's what I think, at least. You don't need a comma in that last sentence.

There's a decent idea for a story here, but everything I mentioned above is distracting to the reader and detracts from the pasta's value.

Sorry if it seems like I'm knitpicking. That's just my two cents. Someone else will probably come along soon and review it, too. Good luck!