Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26294387-20150412180107/@comment-26007602-20150412223222

Well the grammar is smooth enough; there were some wonky sentences, but nothing too bad. The formatting on those two paragraphs (I'm sure you can tell which ones) should be fixed however. I'm curious to see what the pre-edited version looked like, to try and get a better sense of why this was deleted.

For starters, I notice throughout the story that not once, does our main character (Who should probably have a name; some stories are better with nameless characters. This one however, really doesn't gain anything from it) have any character development at all. You've broken the rule of "show, don't tell", by telling us everything about how this character is feeling and reacting, instead of us seeing how she reacts to these events instead. It would be much better for the character to write about her having a panic attack instead of saying "she was upset". I can't stress enough how important this is, we as readers have no reason to care about your character because you just list off her feelings and emotions.

You can't just straight up say, " the biggest problem is that she has depression, paranoia, and a little bit of schizophrenia". First off, the way you nonchalantly introduce these major issues is a bit... strange. The simplistic way you list them just bothers me, maybe since I've dealt with all three and the way you use them to define a character is insulting. I don't know that may be just me, but the crucial part is how these play into the story. Because of how you flat out say she is schizophrenic and paranoid, you kill all tension in the story. You see, we're reading a horror story, and we know that if the character is described as schizophrenic, then there are probably some hallucinations that will come with it. Thus, we pass off the scratching at the window as deriving from the schizophrenia. We know it's not real (And honestly, if the character lived that long with schizophrenia and "voices", then she should too), and just in our character's head. It would have been much better to not state that she's schizophrenic, and instead subtly show that through the character. Let us question whether she is completely sane or not (Saying she's schizophrenic immediately let's us say that, no, she is not).

Your character herself is rather bland, only definable as being mute, paranoid, and schizophrenic. I've already touched on why it's a poor idea to state her mental illnesses, but the idea of a mute character could be interesting if it plays into the story. Unfortunately, here, it does not, which is a shame of a missed opportunity. Instead, you use it to simply create a more pitiable character instead of using this character flaw to the fullest. The issue is that there is no one to interact with, so her muteness does not matter in the least. I'd remove that bit about her entirely (Or have it actually play into the story) and instead focus on other character traits and the fear she is feeling.

I'm curious as to what actually happens in the story. Is this all a hallucination (schizophrenics are more likely to harm themselves than others, so you got that part right), or a real beast? As I mentioned earlier, even if it is real, the tension is still broken by the scratching being instantly attributed to her schizophrenia. The glowing red eyes is a known cliché, so I'd nix that bit. It's also strange that her parents would, as mentioned in the story, leave with telling their mentally unstable daughter where they were. I thought there'd be a reason for their absence, but there wasn't other than plot convenience. I'd give them a valid reason to be gone, otherwise there is no reason for them not to tell her anything.