Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17834624-20140325164039/@comment-24077689-20140325172803

I’m going to review this paragraph by paragraph:

First of all, don’t write shit on your pasta like “hey, this is my first pasta, blah, blah, blah”. That immediately kills any immersion anybody could have had with your story.

P1 – You start off with your first piece of dialogue in italics. I don’t get that. It’s not all that stylistically appealing. It’s awkward to read that first sentence, the dialogue and descriptor right after it doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.

I’d suggest you change around how you’re writing this. Again, it’s awkward to say “We turned around, and then ran towards the source of the shouting, and around the bend of the street.”, rather it ought to read something more like “We turned around and ran towards the shouting around the bend of the street.” You could probably edit that a bit more, but this reads so much more smoothly. You’re over using commas and “and”. It’s a pain to read. Read it out loud, then edit.

It’s also irrelevant that he’s the perfect Aryan. We don’t need to know his age. We don’t need to know what he looks like. It doesn’t progress the story, especially since he’s basically used as cannon fodder in the next paragraph. We actually don’t even need to know his name at this point. Because you use him as cannon fodder in the next paragraph; go easy on that, don’t get in the habit of introducing characters specifically so they can be mangled in the next two sentences.

P2 – Again, watch how you’re writing, it’s awkward how you say “He exclaimed, before we rolled our eyes”. It reads much more naturally if you try to write organically “he exclaimed, we rolled our eyes and turned away”. You’re adding too much fat to your sentences, it reads too formally. Work on that.

So… He was joking, but then a creature actually kills him? This is mad confusing, you’re talking about him dying in this graphic manner, but there isn’t any build up to this point. It’s just “Haha, joker me haha” then all the sudden he’s being fucking devoured by something. Then there’s a metal gate. It’s really unclear; you haven’t built anything up at all. You haven’t even established a setting, you’re just expecting the reader to be OK with the fact that you really haven’t given us any content or information.

You’re grossly misusing the ellipsis; it’s not an automatic suspense builder. Don’t use it to replace commas or semicolons or spaces. It’s completely unnecessary in this sentence. Also, “…tongue, hands, jaw… etc.” Don’t use “etc.” in your story, it’s sloppy, it’s not pretty, it’s wholly unpleasant to see. It communicates that you simply don’t know where else to take this. And I mean, come on, you spent an entire paragraph describing how graphically this guy is being eaten. Don’t shy away from the gore now, it’s trite.

You misused a semicolon here at the end. A comma would have been sufficient.

P3 – Amend to “my friends and I”. It upsets me that they just stand and watch, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities that if these things attacked their friend they would also be attacked.

Thirteen seconds is oddly specific. You also have more awkward sentences here “…hints of the snowflakes held inside.”

This entire paragraph is really ugly. Again, shit’s happening really fast, you need to slow it down. Pacing is one thing, but rushing through every little description to get to the next point is a little horrid. So they heard pounding behind them? I can infer that it’s the creatures, but you need to give me some meat. What kind of pounding? How did it make them feel? What did it really sound like? What do the creatures resemble? How fast are they?

What’s with this deus ex machina? So the creatures are chasing after then, about to attack, and a truck driver just happens by and crashes conveniently there? Really? Work on believability, homeslice.

P4 – Again, ugly wording, “that would be go time?” So the narrator is the only one troubled by the fact that a truck driver just fucking crashed near them? Like they all could have died and he’s the only one concerned about that.

I’m combining here, so the twenty year old is mildly troubled by this. So far this is the only time you’ve given a head count. Again, it’s irrelevant to the progression of the story what color hair he has.

P5 – This is so unclear. Like he kills somebody, they all leave, he can hear movement. You’ve got elements here with which to build suspense but you’re not using them effectively. Instead you get this mess; I’m not really sure what’s happening. And it’s like – 32 degrees f. outside? What the shit, man? The whole ears/earless thing doesn’t add anything to the story. This could have been an interesting observation, but it’s pointless without any suspense.

<p class="MsoNormal">P6 – “they haven’t brushed their teeth in a while…” Yeah, cute.

<p class="MsoNormal">What’s this about brains rotting? It’s safe to assume that if they’re living corpses their brains don’t matter. You need blood to have a functioning nervous system/brain. Their brain rotting theoretically wouldn’t really matter. They’re dead flesh.

<p class="MsoNormal">It’s interesting, juxtaposing the sound of the heart beat with the thud sounds he’s hearing outside.

<p class="MsoNormal">P7 – Again, you misused the semicolon, in this particular sentence you’d actually want a colon as opposed to the semicolon.

<p class="MsoNormal">You never really explained what the “other sounds” were, so this sentence reads funky.

<p class="MsoNormal">P8 – Man, this was a long journey to the end. The thing—I mean… like, this doesn’t make sense. Is it a military man or is it a creature? If it’s a creature, you never imply anywhere that they’re even remotely sentient. You kind of touch on “well they are kinda smart unlike usual” WAY earlier, but you never mention it nor do you imply ever that they’re even remotely intelligent enough to use speech.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">You have an awful lot of work ahead of you. This could be an interesting concept, but your execution leaves a lot to be desired. You need to build suspense; this story resonates at a thick monotone for the entire 8 paragraphs. Your grammar needs work. You need to work on the dialogue setup. Some of your phrasing is really awkward. It doesn’t read as well as it could.

<p class="MsoNormal">With a bit of work, I think you could really improve this.