Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26705150-20160717054303/@comment-5614678-20160718095629

Alright, so while I was reading this story I chalked down some notes. I'm just gonna dump them all here and see if you get any use out of them. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this so bear with me please.

[NARRATIVE STUFF - THE FUN PART]

I really like the in media res opening where everything has already gone to crap. It feels the story with a nice sense of dread and forboding. Of course, some people don't like that. It may be worth experimenting with how the story looks without the cold open, and how it progresses from there. Y'know, see which version you end up liking better. Obviously, you don't have to do this but it's just a neat idea.

The fact that the main character is a paranormal investigator instead of a clueless civilian is an interesting element and was a really entertaining addition. The fact that he goes in expecting to see weird and surreal things but still has a rational, skeptical outlook makes him a very unique protagonist Creepypasta-wise. I'm okay with clueless and mentally disturbed main characters in my CPs, but this was a nice change of pace.

The descriptions of the hotel are pretty vivid and unnerving. I found this a really engaging part of the story, just hearing about the hotel and how it worked and it's surroundings. Explaining how it was near a harbor and surrounded by a thick forest and getting into the history of it made it feel like a real place you could actually go and visit. That kind of thing always helps get me into a story.

Of course, we all know the most important part of any monster story is the monster - and the hooded figure is a very interesting character, with his face completely covered and his robe covered in horrified human faces.

The story gives me "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" vibes, with the isolated town and the hapless, skeptical protagonist getting wrapped up in an existential horror show. I wouldn't be surprised if HP Lovecraft was one of your inspirations for writing this story. That is not a criticism, however. Lovecraft is awesome and I love seeing his work influence other people.

The climax with the spirits of the hotel rising up and causing chaos was exciting, but the ending felt abrupt. I feel like the story should have gone on longer, or went somewhere further. Maybe if you made the cold open the ending it would feel more complete? Or perhaps you should detail the detective's actual death? I dunno, these are just ideas and in no way should you take them as objective advice.

[GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX - THE BORING PART]

"I worked as a paranormal investigator and every case always led me to a different location."

In my opinion (this is purely subjective) This line should be:

"I worked as a paranormal investigator, and every case always led me to a different location."

It may sound odd, but this is called a "serial common" and it really helps the pacing of certain setences.

"had existed ever since the beginning of the entire building." is a bit of an awkward sentence. Maybe "since the building was constructed" or something along those lines would be better. "when the place was first created" should also be "when the place was first built." Y'know, buildings and structures aren't "created." They are "built" and "constructed." Creation short of implies some kind of organic origin. But this is kinda nitpicky.

"I thought if the stories about the voices being heard from the room, were true," that first comma wasn't necessary. I get the importance of pacing and tone but a comma between "room" and "were" in this instance just isn't grammatically correct.

[FINAL VERDICT]

<p style="font-weight:normal;">This story reminded me a lot of a classic Lovecraft tale - in the best way possible. It actually felt like a modern Lovecraft story. It was a very fun read and although I wasn't fully engaged at the start, by the end I wanted more. The most damning critique I can give this story is that it isn't long enough - but that's a damn good problem to have. In fact, It might even be a good idea to keep the ending the way it is, because it's better to leave your audience wanting more than to outstay your welcome. But I don't know, if you managed to make the ending longer in a satisfying way I'd enjoy that too.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">The bottom line is, this is a great story and definetely deserves a place on this site. You have a real talent and I can't to see what else you make. In fact, I'll have to give the other stories you've written a look now, because of how much I liked this one.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Keep up the good work.