Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-11335105-20140515010838/@comment-11335105-20140515213900

Resident DeVir wrote: There is some awkward phrasing you need to deal with: "...tonight on our date to Red Robins tonight."

Instead of giving the entries numbers, give them dates. It would help give us an understanding of how serious the relationship was if we knew how long it had lasted. Also, there is no need for Ashley to sign all of the entries, as it's her diary. Who else would write in it, exactly?

If you're going to have her drink blood, give an explanation for why she enjoys it. Is it the taste, what she associates with blood, or what? Since a diary is where you write your deepest feelings, it would make sense to have her rant for a while about the wonders of drinking blood.

The ending was just a giant cop out, putting the diary somewhere for people to find, and you even mention the Creepypasta site. If you spend any amount of time on the forums, you'll learn that people don't like it when creepypastas are mentioned in creepypastas. It ruins suspension of disbelief completely. Is this good?

This entries were taken from a journal of a serial killer, please be aware this is very real.

4/03/09:

I finally got a boyfriend who I will not name him incase a stalker grabs my journal and I'd like to say he is really cute. I can't believe he even asked me out but ever since he did I've been so happy. We plan on keeping our relationship a secret for a bit because we don't want our friends teasing us about it. I hope we're together forever.

4/10/09: 

After spending so much time with my boyfriend I barely get to write in this journal now. My boyfriend is a sweetheart and for the past 2 weeks I have been really happy, also he gave me a necklace that has my name on it. I am so excited to see him tomorrow.

4/13/09:

Today my boyfriend was acting strange and I don't know why. He said he needs to tell me something tonight on our date to Red Robins tonight, when I think about it he's been acting like this for the last few days. I'm confused and I don't know what's going on.

4/14/09:

Last night my boyfriend broke up with me and since then I have been crying. He apparently like another girl who everyone says is way prettier than me and way cooler. Finally when I get a good boyfriend this happens. I am really depressed and suddenly, a strange feeling has come upon me. I feel like I need some help.

4/16/09:

I saw my ex with that other girl today and I got so furious that I attacked them and hospitalized both of them. I smelled a sweet smell on my hand and realized it was  blood and without thinking I licked it. I ended up getting a ISS for about 3 weeks. I want the delicious taste of blood in my mouth again.

4/16/14:

I found this old journal in one of my old hideouts and I can't believe it has been 5 years since I broke into that hospital and stabbed my ex and that girl. I still remember the taste and believe me I have drank even more blood over the past few years. I will leave this in a random place for someone to pick up and read. I have to go now since my next victim awaits me.