Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28836191-20160624170132/@comment-24101790-20160624173922

The story was deleted because it was not up to quality standards. There are a lot of issues here, so forgive me if I overlook anything. There are a large amount of punctuation, capitalization, wording, spelling, grammatical, and story issues here. Starting with the basics, this is how your story is formatted:

"A man around 20-25 years, blond, height ca 1,87cm Brutally slaughtered and impaled on what looks like a spear. This man has been dead for 1 week or less. We don’t know what has caused this, since we can’t find any DNA or other clues to this case. We will come back again and research more on this"

This causes the text to bunch together and form a wall of text. To avoid this, you need to put a space in-between those lines.

Punctuation: Question marks missing from questions (even rhetorical questions need question marks) "I wonder what he want's this time.(?)", ""How did this even happen" She thought to herself and continued to stare", etc. Apostrophes improperly used/missing from possessive words. "On my way down to my boss(') office I got a funny feeling about this.", "The next day as the alarm wen't (went) on", "She smiles and puts the hoodie on before walking over to the bed to put her pant's (pants) on", " inside the girls restroom", "She strares right into the monsters eyes", etc.

Punctuation issues cont.: You need quotations/dashes or some form of division between dialogue and the story itself. "Good that you came. We have an extraordinarily case for you, Brian and Lucas. (they're not saying that aloud, hopefully) Her boss said and gave her a weird looking smile.", "What is it this time then? Jessica tilts her head slightly and looks at him.", "Do you have any files from this disappearances I can read about? Jessica narrowed her eyes at him.", etc.

Punctuation cont.: A number of sentences are missing proper punctuation. "Alawa stood there shocked before letting out a small laugh", "Jessica looks at him", "Jessica grins", "What’s wrong? Brian asked and looked at Alawa", etc. Commas missing where a pause is implied. "Ugh(comma missing) I hope it will be warmer soon.", "Hey where is Lucas?", etc.

Capitalization issues: "Since i (I) can barely pay my rent for my appartment, but is it worth it?" She (she) thought to herself.", "Morning Jessica! have (Have) you slept well?", "Shit we need to go now, The (the) plane is going in 3 hours!", " a bit darker than the others, He had a red hand print over his chest", "And i knew she would get mad for it", "I hope that John has fixed the dinner, i'm were starving!", etc.

Misspellings: "only to feel the urg to vomit.", "The warmth of the car stroke (stroked) her face, it was such a nice feeling after we been out in the cold and Jessica shivered a bit.", "But Brian didn't seem to be bothered by it and just noded as an answer", "He paniced, and dragged them over with force to one of the jeeps.", "he shoved his claws like finger into her mouth and grips her tongue. ", etc.

Awkward wording. "She walks inside the girls restroom and were amazed how big it actually was in here", "Havn't someone told you?", "As the axe we're about to swung down it got smacked away by a staff.", "Jessica looked at Winona and hugged her as a tears streamed down her cheek.", etc.

Grammar: You're=you are, your=possession. "well good thing your (You're) awake now sleepy head." It's=it is, its=possession. " it’s blue greenish colors climbed", "from the tail up to it's head", "It also carried a golden face inside of it's jaw.", etc.

Story issues: You tend to switch between telling the story in third person (outside perspective) and first person (a person inside the story) "On my way down to my boss office I got a funny feeling about this." (first person perspective) "Jessica's boss grabs a bunt of paper and gives it to her. As she started to riffle through the pages there was one case that caught her attention." (Third person perspective) You need to be consistent as the frequent shifting really weakens the story.

Story issues cont.: You also have an issue with shifting between past tense and present tense. "She shifts into a better position and closes her eyes again and it didn't take long before she drifted away into sleep." (Present tense) and "The woman giggled and looked at Alawa who was smiling." (Past tense) You need to be uniform here.

Story issues cont.: You really need to build-up scenes with more descriptive elements. "As he tried to attack the leader of those strangers he got shot in the chest. He had tried to escape them but he failed. He had thrown an axe towards one of them as he laid there on the ground waiting for his death. And he got shot again." This tells what happened, but really doesn't paint an involving picture.

There are quite a lot more issues here, but I think this is a good enough starting point. The story was deleted because it was not up to quality standards due to numerous punctuation, capitalization, wording, spelling, grammatical, and story issues. I would strongly suggest heavily re-writing this if you intend to make an appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:39, June 24, 2016 (UTC)