Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26416562-20150605200508/@comment-26455567-20150606000357

Ok. so here:

1.[Have you ever been in a situation of survival. Was it so dire, you would resort to anything to live.] Both of the periods need to be changed to question marks.

2.[seeing people die in front of your eyes, I would never dream of it.] "S" in "seeing" needs to be capitalized.

3.[I used to play football in the University Of Wisconsin.] Change "in" to "at".

4.[I stopped playing football after that, as I did not want to have no memory.] You should say instead, "I stopped playing football after that, fearing the loss of my memories." Be more descriptive in your writing.

5.[All thanks to the University Of Wisconsin for letting my perfect the art.] Change "my" to "me".

6.[I pulled out the life saving device, floater, whatever you call it, and inflated it around me.] Say instead, "I pulled out the life vest and inflated it around me."

7.[ Good thing I have this waterproof bag. I can write this all in my journal.] This part is completely unnessicary to the story, remove it.

8.[I begin to paddle, using my floating bag or whatever it’s called to stay up.] See number 6 on what to do here.

9.[I wake on the shore of the island.] Change "wake" to "awoke."

10.On the transtion from paragraph 7 to 8, you change your verb tense to present, where originally it was past. Please make sure all verbs in paragraph 8 on are in past tense.

11.[On a sign it says, workshop for building surgical tools.] Say instead (and make sure you fixed all your tense errors) "I looked around and saw a sign. It read "Workshop For Building Surgical Tools." Also, in the case of the workshop, you could come up with a name for the workshop.

12.[ Good thing I have this journal to remind me what happened.] See Number 7 for what to do here.

13.[I asked him if he would he me get out of here, and he said he would try.] Ok, change the second he to help, and also, why is the man there?

14.[The arguments, had turned to something worse.] REMOVE THE COMMA.