Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31424920-20180912211450/@comment-35711173-20180913081439

Hi,

Your use of English is generally good. I think the section of October 20th – 7:34 AM was a little rough. I saw four run-on sentences for example. But overall this is pretty good.

You make me believe that you know that area of Louisiana. You've set an atmosphere. I've never been near there in my life so you could have made it all up but ... yeah it feels right.

Your story is about 3,300 words long. I read it and for something this size I feel a lot is missing. For one thing, there isn't a real sense of something creepy. Heck, from what I see this could be leading into a romance story about some police officer in Baton Rouge who meets a waitress named Sookie Stackhouse working in Merlotte's Bar and Grill in Bon Temps.

There is no hook at the end.

You need to do a lot of merciless editing. There's too much to read for no payback in horror.

You need to have a hook. SOMETHING needs to happen to make it worth going to the next section. There's no hint of anything that is supernatural. We have a girl pulled from a lake but there are so many ordinary explanations (alligators, psychopaths, boating accidents, etc.)

That LONG part about FEMA buying the land doesn't seem to build to anything. My guess is that you know what it leads up to but at this point it doesn't go anyplace.