Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26460235-20150623013526

Insects freak me out. Even though I'm almost 300 pounds, those tiny little things scare me. Strangely enough, when I was a kid my sister and I used to catch grasshoppers. We would go out into the grass armed with film canisters and try to catch as many as possible. I don't know if it was the adrenaline rush or something else, but it was so much fun. Of course we were dumb kids and we tried to keep them in a plastic bag once. We left them on the porch in that sandwich bag overnight, not even considering that they might suffocate. The next morning we found ants all over and inside the bag, tearing those poor things apart. Which leads me to the number one insect I hate: ants.

I tried to play some of that good ol' American little league football as a kid. I was heavy even then, so it didn't go well. One day at practice I tripped, fell, and when I stood I was covered in ants. Needless to say I never attempted football again.

I grew up very awkward. Still, even as an adult, I don't talk to people unless I have to. I think it was ingrained in me as a kid. "Don't speak unless spoken to." That or my programming just took "don't talk to strangers" very seriously. That being said I don't have many friends. I'm not trying to throw a pity party - I don't even have money for the balloons - it's just a fact. I met my best friend in fourth grade. We only talked because we sat at the same table and I didn't see a way out. But nonetheless, we're still friends.

Later than I should have, I found one of the many uses of the internet: connecting to other people. So I looked around, trying to find a community I could belong to. Unfortunately I don't have much in the way of personality. I like things, sure, but not enough to be an enthusiast. I did find a zombie forum, though. I tried to think my way into talking to someone. ''I like The Walking Dead. I like the Resident Evil movies. Maybe this could work?''

I hung out on there for a while, making an account but never posting. As interesting as zombies are, you'll eventually run out of things to discuss. As was the case with the forum. There were a few threads about survival plans. Another thread was about The Walking Dead, the show versus the comics. The same thing was going on with Resident Evil on the forum as well.

Out of zombie ground to cover, someone had started an off topic thread about conspiracy theories. There was some debate about JFK - people blaming everyone from the CIA to the Catholic church. There were also a lot of things about the Illuminati and Area 51. It was a thread about conspiracy theories, what else could one expect? As ridiculous as a lot of it was, it was definitely fun to read. I wasted a lot of time on there. I would lose track of time and look over at the clock finding it to be almost three in the morning. That was something I did a lot, actually.

I logged on one night and saw some people ragging on someone who believed zombies were real. They were being pretty ruthless too. That's something that seemed to have been born on the internet: brutal, anonymous assaults. However, the guy they were going after didn't seem fazed. He just kept insisting on the reality of zombies. Just before leaving he left a lengthy message.

''I'm telling you, they exist. Whatever the bacteria/parasite is, it's everywhere. It's something ancient or extraterrestrial. All I know is that it's spreading through the soil. I've hacked into secure files and I know it's emerged in at least four small/rural towns so far. You'll know when it's coming, look for the signs. I don't know how, but they can track it! Look for military vehicles, men in hazmat suits. Get out while you can and prepare!''

After that he didn't post anything else. Everyone on the thread started making fun of him and laughing. Well they laughed digitally. I found that really odd considering the nature of the thread. Then again, I had seen people make fun of each other's theories all the time. I guess maybe that was an unwritten purpose of the thread.

A few days later, on my way home from work, I saw a man in a containment suit coming out of a manhole. He walked over to a white van and climbed inside. My first thought was of the zombie guy. The second was rational.

They must be checking to make sure it's all good down there, I thought. Or maybe it's something to do with the water supply.

The next day my co-workers were talking about it. Apparently the man in the suit had shown up a few places the day before, popping out of the sewers. The news got around pretty fast, given the size of the town. We weren't the smallest town, but we weren't a metropolis either. Our "downtown" consisted of a mall. Other than that the only places to go for fun were a small dollar theatre and a lake a half hour out of town.

A few days went by with a few more appearances by the hazmat man. Except rather than lurking around in the sewers, he seemed to be testing the air. Well, he had been seen waving some sort of stick around. I jumped to the conclusion that he was testing the air on my own.

''What if the virus is airborne? But that guy said it came from the soil, right? Maybe it starts in the soil and is released like spores or something?''

I was getting myself all riled and panicked for no reason. At least that's what I told myself. But sure enough, later in the week hazmat man was seen taking dirt samples. That's when I lost it.

''The soil! Oh god, what if an outbreak happens here? I... I couldn’t shoot someone. Even if they were a zombie, i don't think i could do it. Hell, I don’t even own a gun. And even if they’re the slow ones and not the World War Z ones, I can't run a block without wheezing. I've got to get out of here.''

Fortunately I still had work to keep me grounded. As much as I wanted to just run away and save myself, I didn't have a day off for almost another week. I may not like working but if I'm scheduled, I'm going to show up. That's just the way it is. But at work that Friday my fragile peace was broken one more time.

"Hey! Did you hear?" My coworker Jess was all flustered by Tim's desk.

"Yeah my sister was there. My ma just got to the hospital now."

"I hope she's alright... I hear there were at least ten kids out at the lake and they all came back sick."

"Yeah, I'm heading there after work to check in on her. My ma is really worried. I keep telling her it's probably nothing serious but she's stubborn as ever."

"Maybe the lake's just dirty?"

"Ha, ha. Yeah. Maybe that's why that weird som'bitch is out here poking around."

The two of them laughed and tried to lift what had been a slightly somber mood. I tried to laugh it off too, to myself. But the talk about the lake... Maybe it is contaminated? I thought. And on my way home, while the sun was all but set, a military jeep rolled into town. Not many of the people were still out so I was probably one of the few that saw it. That jeep was the last straw.

When I got home I started trying to think through how to protect myself. With the military in town the outbreak had to be imminent. There was no way I was going to work the next day. Why would I go out just to risk infection? I gathered what I could in the living room to protect myself, just in case they broke into the house. In the end I had a knife, an old hammer, and a dull samurai sword I had bought off of the internet.

I'd never been inclined to attack someone, or something. So I picked up each weapon in turn and practiced swinging it. The knife was easy enough. It was light and easy to move. Next I tried the sword. I had seen Kill Bill a good number of times so I tried to be like Uma Thurman. I held it over my head and swung it down. My grip was shit though and it went flying into a wall. It sunk itself in pretty deep and prying it out was a hassle. God, I'm an idiot. I didn't even bother to put my toys away, I just went to bed regretting everything I had done in the past ten minutes.

I woke up the next day to a loud bang. It sounded like I imagine a canon would. I jumped and fell off of my bed and onto the floor. My nose hit the carpet first and my eyes watered from the pain. When I pulled my hand away from my face there was blood all over my finger tips. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up when I heard knocking at my door. I plugged my nose with a wad of toilet paper and went to see who it was. But when I looked out of the peephole I didn’t see anyone. So I headed back to go take a shower.

As soon as my back was turned the knocking returned. Only it wasn’t knocking anymore, it was a furious pounding. ''It’s them! The outbreak happened while I was sleeping!'' I couldn’t control my fear anymore. I had to barricade the door. I moved the couch up against it as the pounding increased. I grabbed my sword and huddled in the kitchen, trying to keep my distance. Suddenly the pounding stopped. Maybe they left… They’re attracted to noise, so if I just stay silent…

But they didn’t leave. They shattered the window in the living room. I ran. I ran straight to my bedroom. I struggled to move my dresser in front of the door. I’m so weak, I thought as I pushed with everything I had. If they get in here, if they find me… I’m dead. I backed away from the newly blocked door. With my back against the wall I tried to calm down. I remembered a line from the novel Dune about keeping all entrances to a room in front of you. No one can surprise you, assassinate you, if you can see them coming. I at least couldn’t be flanked by one of those things. That was a relief.

But the relief was short lived. I had unknowingly backed against the window. An arm burst through and wrapped around my throat, trying to pull me out. I started crying, blood running down my face from the saturated toilet paper.

“No!” I screamed. I started swatting at the arm with my sword. If it was sharp it might have done something. The thing wouldn’t let me go. My head started to get light, my vision blurry. I’m going to die with a nose bleed, in my underwear, with a blunt samurai sword. I cried but I couldn’t fight anymore. It was over. I didn’t get out in time…

I woke up a few days later in the hospital. Once I fully came around I swatted at my neck. There was no bite there. I threw my blanket off and checked every inch of my body for bites and scratches. I had somehow made it out alive. The virus could only get to me through a scratch or bite. I must have ripped off my heart monitor because doctors and nurses came rushing in. After calming me down they explained what happened.

There was no zombie outbreak. Apparently there was a fault under the lake that had been slowly feeding CO2 into the water for a long time. They said that it hadn’t been a problem but that some seismic readings from the area made them a little worried so they sent a man in to investigate. When the kids at the lake came back sick they knew there was an immediate threat and they called in a group to evacuate the town the next day. The bang that had woken me up was a limnic eruption: basically the lake exploded releasing a wave of CO2 out and into the town. Men had been trying to get me out but I had proven… troublesome. Three people died and a good deal more ended up in the hospital like myself. Only they had been released a long time ago. The doctor said I was most likely out so long because of the mental stress I put myself through. After his speech all I could do was laugh.

“Um… Sir, you do understand the seriousness of what happened?”

“I must have looked so ridiculous.” 