Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26248322-20150327010136/@comment-25612295-20150327040734

I read through your story and I liked it. There are a few things that I found that could use some work, however.

Here is what I would edit. All edits are italicized.

I sat on the couch flipping through channels mindlessly. The leather sofa was well worn and the midday sun streaming in through the sliding french doors across the room warmed me. The dog barked from somewhere in the basement, and I turned to see if something was outside. A big yellow school bus passed by the kitchen window and stopped in front of the house. I smiled. I hadn't known she had children. i stood next to the window, slightly out of sight, waiting.

A young boy entered the house carrying a black and a navy blue backpack. I stood next to the windows. I could see him perfectly. He set both bags on the floor, took off his shoes, and entered the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water, but before the glass touched his lips, a gunshot rang out. His glass shattered on the floor.

As blood began to exit the bullet hole in his head, the water spread it across the floor. It touched the toes of my shoes as I put the hand gun back in the carrier at my waistband. The dog was barking at me. He hadn't even growled at me as I entered the house, he simply let me pet him and lock him downstairs. I began to wonder who the second bag belonged to. I sat down again in the living room to wait for them.

I heard the door creak open. Again standing next to the large windows out of their sight, I watched. It was a girl now, possibly a teenager, possibly a young woman. She held a few envelopes in her hand. She too removed her boots in the entryway, tossing the letters on top of a small table by the door.

"Lucas, did you pull out the meat this morning like mom told you to? I need to get dinner started," she called out, removing her jacket. She had short black hair and a lovely body. I couldn't see her all too well but I could tell. She stepped around the corner and saw the mess.

Her eyes grew wide with confusion. She tiptoed her way through the glass and blood and rolled the boy's body over. "Lucas?" She asked in a whisper. I suppressed a laugh. How could he possibly be alive? Was she blind? She placed her head on his chest, and two fingers at his throat. She listened, then sat up very slowly. She closed his eyes. I laughed slightly now. She knew what had happened. She stood up and slowly looked over at me.

"He isn't sleeping," I let her know, in a teasing tone. She raised her eyes off the floor to look at me. Her black hair fell in her eyes. Innocent, child like, beautiful blue eyes. She had the kind of eyes that almost made me not pull the trigger. Dead eyes.

(Maybe merge these two paragraphs.)

She simply looked at me. Her eyes had no tears, no anger, no pain - she was dead and I hadn't even pulled the trigger. She took a shaky step towards me. Then another, and again, more confident. I pulled the gun out of my waistband. She walked straight up to me and looked me in the eyes. She raised the gun to her own head, in between her beautiful eyes. She smiled up at me.

"Shoot me," she said.

"Now what makes you think I will?" I asked her. She looked amused for a moment.

"Because wouldn't you perfer that compared to me doing it myself?" She said, cocking the gun. I was suprised. She made me rethink myself. How could she want to die? So young, so beautiful, so much potential. It made me shake with desire.

"It's no fun...not unless you suffer," I said. She still smiled at me. Slowly reaching into her pocket, she retrieved a handful of blades. Pulling up her sleeves to revel ragged cuts and white scars, she offered them to me.

"Do your worst."

I felt a smile form on my lips as I took the cold bloodstained metal form her hands.



<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);margin-bottom:0px!important;">I'm assuming that this story is unfinished, because there are a lot of unanswered plot twists right now. So far, it's pretty good. Keep writing!