Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181220225142/@comment-9041013-20181221011702

Okay, so it's kind of obvious from the beginning that this "magic solution" is like tackling a malevolent Jinn (from Islamic mythology). You get to have a wish, but it comes off twisted. That does not help your story.

The biggest issue is that there is nothing horror related here, I mean, we use the word "Hell" to curse all the time, I wouldn't call cuss phrases horror related. So "Tim might go to hell" isn't really doing it for me, personally.

Another issue is that this is really long and has not enough of a point or a punch. I can't really relate to the guy, he does not genuinely come off as a guy who wouldn't enjoy a playboy lifestyle. He does not seem like a guy to be lonely in superficial relationships. Tim's decision to frequent a bar tells me that Tim doesn't care about anyone but Tim. Reason for that is, that at a bar they probably charge you for a shot as much as you'd get for a whole can in a store. So, Tim's financial problems don't bother him as much as you want us to believe.

Tim is a dick.

Maybe actually going to hell could help the narrative, because, "I got screwed and now I need to screw someone else over" is not really impactful... unless it's someone close to the character.