Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-39934715-20190706161054/@comment-39934715-20190706165719

TheLoneleyPasta wrote: I'm a relatively optimistic guy, so I'm gonna get the positive stuff out of the way first.

When I started reading, I automatically assumed it would be another amutuer ghost story filled with cliches and grammaricel errors. And I have to admit...I was surprised. The story dug way deeper than that, and most of the fear came from that creepy-ass grandma, not the paranormal activity itself. So kudos to you.

Usually stories of this nature have predictable endings and what not, but you managed to pull off TWO plot twists, both of which caught me by surprise. Especially the last one. That was pretty morbid. The story telling was also pretty smooth and you rarely repeated yourself. I saw little to no grammarical mistakes beside a few miswordings and one or two run ons.

However, there is room for improvement. You're story, especially near the beggining, spends so much time world-building instead of digging into the actually plot as most Creepypasta's do. For example:

''"The Sack Man" as locals here, refer to it. My family first arrived in Poland, or "Vodka Lane" as my father jokingly calls it, on a plane from Frankfurt, Germany. We arrived in a small town named Ustroń, where we settled in for the next few years of my life. I can still remember my childhood home. It was this wonderful red-brick hut at the end of the street near the woods. ''

''The transfer to a new country was...well, difficult to say the least. But, with my grandmother holding my hand every step of the way, I managed. I can still remember her. Her toothy grin, that one mole on her nose. More than anything, though, she loved her garden. The one thing that could still give her joy, apart from us of course, was the massive garden hidden behind the house's lengthy exterior. ''

''The garden had to be protected. That's why she had it. Sitting in the green shed, behind our bicycles and resting in between six large jars of jam, was a scarecrow. I can't exactly you what it was, but the thing always gave me an uneasy feeling. The aged straw it was made out of or the tattered clothes of children it wore really didn't bother me. It was its eyes. They were strained, human-like. And the color was completely sickening: a rotting, almost fleshy pink. ''

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of world building. But, although I'm not saying these paragraphs are bad or poorly written, a short internet story isn't really the time and place for it. You also take you're time getting to the story itself. While most Pasta begin to tell the story or at least decribe SOMETHING morbid in the first two paragraps, you didn't jump into the plot until the very end of the third one.

Also, although you did and amazing job accurately describing bot the "Bubak" and the thing in the basement, you often spend too much time over analyzing literally every character except for the ones that matter most, in my opinion: Luka and that "Niko" kid.

Now, one major thing that I appluade you for is you're creative scenario, in which the plot constantly flip-flops between realistic and then back supernatural and then to realistic before settling with supernatural. I don't really have a problem with this, but some people may find it irriating. Also work on trying to tone done you're repetative wording.

All in all, it definitely has some potential and appeal. I believe, with some minor edits, you could get this onto the wiki. Overall, 8/10 rating. Thank you for you're time and feedback. Also thank you for pointing out the repetitive dialogue. I usually kind of skim over these rough drafts until I have some feedback to work with, but I'll definitely work on fixing it as soon as I can.

You also mentioned that some parts can basically be filler. Would you mind pointing out exactly WHAT these parts are so I can fix them and learn from my mistake in the future? I'm not completely sure, but I believe it's these paragraphs below -

''How such ridiculous things came over me? I don't know. The logic of my idea wasn't important at the time. All I knew was that I had to stop it. Destroy it, even. ''

''In the middle of the night, around 11:30, I grabbed the hedge sheers from the basement and made my way towards the shed. On my way, I perched the door to Grandma's room open. She was still sound asleep. ''

''Cautiously, I pushed into the shed door. A sudden jolt of energy and it opened. The lunge forward startled me. My elbow came crashing through one of the windows. I collapsed in pain, clenching my teeth and observing my arm. Multiple shards of glass were wedged into my skin. ''

''The pain, for someone my age, was nearly unbearable. But I had to push forward. I had to save her. Me and my brothers' bicycles wear in direct view now. The blood from my hand now made a small trail on the floor. I unhooked the bicycles, one by one, and moved them aside. My eyes widened. The scarecrow was not in its usual spot between the jars of jam. A cold clamped down on my shoulder. ''

''It was Grandma. Even though she was concealed in darkness, I could practically see her expression by the tone of her voice. She was angered, frightened even, and rightfully worried about me. Grandma dragged me inside the house. ''

''"Bastard child," she muttered under her breath. I reached down to comfort her. I was not aware I was the cause of her stress. Both of her hands came crashing down on my shoulders. She had me in a firm grasp. ''

''"You listen to me," she whispered, her voice strained. "You will never go in there. Never." I nodded. My eyes began to swell up with tears. It was that exact moment that her anger wore away. ''

''"Come. I will make you two parówki. Then you will go to bed." ''

''After I ate, Grandpa offered to read me to sleep. She nurtured me with a mother's love. The kind of love I have never received. She was reading me a tale about a vicious spider who ties its victims in an unbreakable string to preserve their flesh and about the brave knight who ventured to slay it. The whole time she looked sick. Ghastly. I could see it in her eyes. So much so that she closed the book halfway through and wished me goodnight. ''

I'm relatively confident you're talking about these because they take up a large chunk of the already lengthy Pasta and, in the opinion of many people I've shown it to, doesn't really play a big role in the story. I personally think it DOES add somekind of background to these characters. I also believe it foreshadows that (SPOILER) the Grandma is a crazed bitch who plans on murdering the children the preserving their bodies so Bubak can continue to feast off their souls (SPOILER).

Anyway, thank you for you're feedback once again.