Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17724348-20160401172657/@comment-25763427-20160405060757

Empy already addressed the grammar and punctuation, so I'll focus more on the story.

I enjoy the idea of distorted radios/TVs and the like. However, you have no buildup. You need to work up to each startling moment instead of just outright saying it. The demon as well has only one line of dialog, and it's nigh-incomprehensible.

You also need to address the audience less and make some of your sentences simpler. For instance; "and without thinking about the consequences a bit he ran to it as fast as lightning, violently opening the door to a sickening scenario." This should instead be "and without care for the consequences he sprinted to the shack, tearing open the door."

So describe things in a more interesting fashion and don't use as many cliches. The story needs to be more fleshed out, it feels rushed. Everything important happens way to fast. You need to give us a little backstory so that we can care about Jakob. But don't shoehorn it in, let it come naturally. Introduce us to a little of his past as he grows more and more paranoid, tell us what he's afraid of, what he has to live for.

I don't recommend using the "No escape" motto at any point in the story. But you could change the focus of the story. Have first that the radio broadcasts songs distorted horribly. Then it plays the voices of people trapped in some hell dimension. Then, when Jakob is most afraid, then and only then do you introduce the demonic voice.