Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26286557-20160427094802/@comment-24101790-20160427153801

The story has quite a bit of issues that resulted in my original deletion of the story. You've corrected some of the mechanical issues, although there are still some tense swapping issues ("Once I finished the flaps of the box busts open. (present tense) I stared into the dark abyss. (past tense)", "The only things I can (could) only grab (sic)") as you're telling the story in past tense, your actions should reflect this, wording issues ("I micro waved (microwaved) it for a few seconds", "I have to say, it was one (some, as it is plural) of the worst sushi I’ve ever tasted.", "The only things I can only grab onto were my chest and the couch. {awkward wording}", "My hands were getting tighter as I became more air tight. (awkward wording)", etc.), there are quite a lot of story issues here as well.

Story issues: First and foremost, you really should build up the protagonist's history of eating fan-mailed food as it comes off as really odd that they would just eat mysterious packages of food sent to them without any real history (maybe include a fan letter, have the protagonist recognize the name as a fan they met, etc.) Additionally, how are they preserving this sushi/keeping it cold? If the sushi has been sitting out for (likely) hours, how has it not gone bad? You have to factor in the food being packaged, driven, delivered, and waiting for the protagonist to find it. With that much time passing, it really raises questions about the food's condition.

Story issues cont.: "And the daikon? Is (Was) there really anything to say about it?" As the twist is about the daikon, it really should be more focused on. You don't have to give away the twist at the beginning, but you should focus on it to build up a sense of foreboding. Just dismissing it and then coming back to it later really isn't effective, especially since you spend a lot of time focusing on how the sushi is like sandpaper and the seaweed is sour.

Story issues final: "I rushed to the bathroom; I coughed out tiny fragments of blood and phlegm. This was when my curiosity got the better of me." So the protagonist is coughing up blood and feels like they're suffering from food poisoning and their first reaction is to go to the sender's house instead of a hospital? It feels odd since you go in-depth with how it feels they are being "crushed by eighteen kilograms of bricks" and stuck on the couch and then have them disregard such discomfort? "I could feel hands stumping onto the ground." Do you mean hear? That phrase could use quite a bit of revision. The confrontation with the man in the woods also feels pretty anticlimactic. There really should be more to that part as that is the climax of the story.

To sum it up, there are still quite a lot of mechanical issues here and the story has quite a few plot holes that need to be plugged up. I would strongly suggest fleshing this story out and making some revisions if you're planning on making an appeal. As it stands, this really isn't up to quality standards and needs a lot more revision and feedback from other users afterwards.