Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180621195836/@comment-35911608-20180623003131

Mmm. I don't know how I feel about this one. Nothing felt particularly frightening, whereas with the first version it was creepy that our MC was hallucinating about his dreams in the real world. I know this one is essentially a first draft on its own, since it's pretty much a different focus than the original, but this one needs more work imo.

There was a lot of weird wording and grammar errors, which usually I can overlook and just make note of, but this time it actually distracted and confused me here and there.

I feel as though I'm being TOLD about the pain and the horrifying amount of gore, but I don't FEEL it. For example, the line "I could feel myself breathing hastily in my dream as each breath became more labored and painful than the previous. Looking down I saw a huge hole gushing with blood and gore in my chest. "

I feel it could be rewritten as this, and you can really feel the pain: My breath had suddenly become a burden, with each intake spreading a strong pain across my chest. Slowly, I craned my neck with what strength I had to see it - the hole. Thick blood and organs oozed down my dream-self's body, and I could feel the wind tickling the edges of the hole. My nerves, exposed to the elements, burned intensely and left me in a constant state of agony. My eyes widened at the sight, and I thought my heart was going to start beating uncontrollably - but I couldn't feel it. I reached for the mortal wound, gargling on bodily fluids, before the world finally went dark.

Again, I know it's a first/second draft, but description like that can really help you feel that pain.

It also ends rather abruptly, which I get it, it's like you just woke up in a cold sweat kind of thing, but the last words feel like something should be coming after them to conclude the story.

I think I'm starting to get the idea you wanna do, but it needs some more work to get it functioning and make it scarier. I hope this didn't sound cruel, just trying to offer my voice on it.