Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26447851-20160705140237/@comment-28266772-20160705145759

Okay...

I'm just gonna throw a dart at the two biggest problems before moving forward. Wall of text/proofreading. You can't expect someone to read through a brick of text that's ugly. You need to break your work up into paragraphs. Then you need to go through and do a proofread using MS word or spellcheck.net. This is the very minimum of quality standards.

Next - you reference Zalgo. This is a blacklisted subject. It will auto get deleted. It's also cliched.

Next - this isn't really a story. It's a fantasy. You see, self-insert characters are, barring a few exceptions,  terrible. I mean yeah sure if you're Kurt Vonnegut or HP Lovecraft, roll on, but the purpose of a self-insert character is not to push your fantasies onto those around you. It's there so you can actually pose a serious set of critical questions about yourself, and not just reimagine yourself as a superhero.

Next I'll go through some plot points and try to quickly identify what's wrong.

Magical fighting skills (in 5th grade? Seriously? 5th graders fighting like MMA pros?)

Hurling concrete 20ft (Again... by a 5th grader?)

Epic knife fights (Yeah... again... in 5th grade?)

A fucking katana. (I just... where did he get the Katana from? Why a katana?)

Someone with magical fighting powers, being bullied a lot. (So you establish this kid can fight like a motherfucker but he still spends his time being bullied? *Mary Stu-alert*)

Pregnant girlfriend killed by a cult. (Cliched - why even have her be pregnant? Just to make it extra tragic?)

Still beating heart ripped out of a chest. (Cliched)

Making a deal with the devil. (Cliched)

Getting evil superpowers. (Mary Stu/Cliched)

Lifting another human by their trachea. (Again...this is by a 5th grader).

Here's my genuine advice - everything in a story must be earned. You can't just spill words out like a synopsis/fantasy. This needs an actual plot, and actual events instead of a brief summary of events that we only ever get slight glimpses of. It would also help if the events themselves had some grounding in reality/credibility.