Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4993676-20141107145817/@comment-24056975-20141108224106

Glad to be of some help. Don't worry about disagreeing with my comments and suggestions, it's a workshop. If you can justify a decision, it's probably okay. Some things are bound to go over my head once in a while, like where the intro tied into the main narrative. Just keep in mind that when it's published your readers won't have your justifications.

The heart of my cliche comment was the question: is this an unreliable narrator in denial or an attempt at forshadowing a twist that gives too much away? I'm glad you're going for the first, it's not such a cliche as the twist ending where John was the bad guy all along. I might like it if he were given a moment to doubt his own innocence earlier in the story.

About the pit, I don't speculate that John's father was a painter as well. I don't recall his parents ever being mentioned. Maybe the newscast at the end mentioning the painter from 30 years ago, but I thought that was John and he'd just been locked up that long. I also tend to recommend lower body counts for impact. Using a nameless corpse or two for set dressing is alright, but a pit full of them strains my suspension of disbelief in a story that tries to be realistic.

Without rereading, the first detail that comes into my mind where I wonder where it came in again is John's dog, Titan. The dog's mentioned when they're in the woods, then later it give's John a reason to go out before a rainstorm for some incoming storm-type forshadowing. The whole walking the dog bit doesn't add a lot, the animal is ignored for most of it. It had better interaction before that scene when he fed it, showing he is indeed capable of taking care of a pet, which ties into his later treatment of Heather.

People also tend to remember pets, connect with them as much or more than with human characters, and assume that they are left in the context last mentioned. I therefore assume that he left the dog to starve to death in the apartment.

Your right in that he may not have been lucid enough for deeper thoughts on seeing Heather's corpse, but there's nothing after his capture when he's more lucid except hoping the shadowy figure comes back to save him. There's an element of sociopathy there, but that doesn't mesh with his repeated declerations of love for Heather earlier in the story.

One last comment, I'm sure you know blood changes color when it dries per the "paint looked fresher" line when John and Heather are going into the cabin. But blood stinks. It's tissue and it rots and the amount it takes to paint a wall would draw a carpet of flies. After walking away from the story last night, I just started to wonder why they couldn't smell it.

Really, storywise I think you pretty much have it done. You just need to do another draft to clean things up a bit.