Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25648339-20141109165529/@comment-25639265-20141109211523

Things I liked:

Great opening. Having him speak his name and Sam recognizing it makes you want to know more. (How does he know him? Why does he know this creature? Was he always a creature? etc) Lots of detail as the way he looks but not in any kind of cliched fashion. Very nice.

I liked the general concept but the ending with him thinking about it just came upon abruptly. Perhaps more lead up to it with him contemplating about it more. He started to when he was tied up but that was it really. Also perhaps if there was some other kind of logic here about WHY. I understand he wants to revel in the beauty of death but how does this turn him into the horrid creature at the beginning of the story. If he was cutting himself and painting with his blood, how does he have filed teeth with torn off lips? Why is he eating human flesh? You need to think about the character and why he does what he does. He wouldn't eat flesh if he just wanted to be surrounded by the beauty of death. He would have corpses everywhere, yes. But eat them? I don't know. That seems to be coming together as a cliched typical creepypasta. If you don't want that, then I suggest rethinking this point. Otherwise I love your writing, very detailed.

Things to work on:

As was stated by the person above, you need to change paragraphs when someone new talks, but also you need to put a comma after what someone says if there is a speech tag after. ex. "Hello," I said, smiling.

Line should be: I, being a Kindergartener of course, asked... Me is used in the object of the sentence, I is used as the subject. If you say they WOULD occassionally kicked, punched and hit him, then it has to be kick, punch and hit. It's just a tense issue. I usually have a terrible time with consistent tenses so when i finish writing, I deliberately go back through and read just to check my tenses. Try that next time if you also have trouble with tenses, it helps. The paragraph when he finds out that Sam is being abused, there are instances when you forgot to capitalize sentences. "lay neatly in its hands" however, is correct.

"He was LYING on the floor" objects lay, people lie. Sorry I dont mean any of this personally, I just want your piece to be awesome so I'm throwing these little grammar points at you so people don't bash you later. No hyphen in "almost ran." There are a few instances where you have a comma before "and" in a sentence and it isn't needed. Ex. "and a finger is" "and I wish they wouldn't." Need commas and a hypen here: "to the bodies, to the throw-up, to me." Perhaps instead of telling us he is disgusted, you could show us. "I said, disgusted." vs "I spat at him." The image of practically spitting words at him shows that disgust better. Just a suggestion.

"Two year old; briefly, without compassion" should just be a comma instead of a semicolon. Use semicolon to connect two seperate independent clauses. Use colon here to set off your list "more and more sane: the blah blah." Is there a reason for the giant gap between "a" and "monster?" Paragraph break after Sam explains and before he releases his friend to run. "teenage girl. She" two seperate sentences, or combine with semicolon, "teenage girl; she."

I would put another paragraph space before the three months later to seperate the text more. Should be with semicolon "getting ready for bed; its a Friday" No comma "just seemed off." I know it should be said with a breath between the two but you don't actually write it that way. You could, however, do this and it would be grammatically correct: "just seemed...off." Should be Semicolon "easily killed me; it was like he let me go."