Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29969337-20161104130817/@comment-30402176-20161106165051

I see. I do feel rather stupid now, for not having put the pieces together.

In that case, I'd advise you to moderate the narrative to make it possible for this other interpretation of the story; because what threw me off the right track as I read the story was the inconsistency between the protagonist, and the way she reacts at her own self-torture in the mirror. Here's an example:

"She shakes her drooping head back and forth, as if trying to clear her vision… or to deny what’s happening. Is there a faint coming? 

''‘No, no, no…’ I whisper as I reach up and grip the slick chin with my left hand. ‘Keep your eyes open, you’re not going anywhere.’ ''

Now, if what you've said is true - then we should bear in mind that it is supposed to be the protagonist herself who is "drooping her head back and forth, as if trying to clear her vision" - except how can our narrator continue to describe her reflection, while her own vision appears to be failing her? The big reveal indicates that she is looking into the mirror at her own reflection; but this level of depersonalisation would give the wrong impression that she is actually looking at another person. You see what I mean - she couldn't be aware that her alter-ego was slipping out of consciousness, without first realising that it is happening to her. It's too wide a strech of the imagination.

More examples:

Our character slaps herself around the face, and "jams" a leather belt into her own mouth - now everything has changed in light of your new perspective; you cannot physically harm yourself without expecting it and being aware of it; it doesn't quite have the same effect as being slapped by another person's hand. Similarly, "jam"ming a belt into your own mouth misleads the viewer into thinking that it's done forcefully and with a struggle - which is contradictory when you consider that the main character is performing the action to her own self. Finally, she grits her own teeth; an action which is also not possible if she already has the leather belt in her mouth.

I'll admit - my eyes did open when you told me what you just did. I think maybe if you rearranged the story based on what I said, then the end reveal could result the shock that it deserves.