Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-14341590-20160103195647/@comment-14341590-20160108203448

Whitix wrote: Alright, I'm going to jot down some notes here as I read through the whole thing.

First off, after reading the first few paragraphs of the story, you give no indication what kind of ritual this is, nor a reason to perform it. You give it a name, warn me not to do it (fairly cliché; it seems every ritual has a warning against performing it), and then start listing stuff off. What kind of ritual am I performing? Why should I? You need to draw the reader in. I would have clicked away already because there's just no opening into what this ritual is.

During the list phase, there are also some spacing issues, particularly after "What you will need" and the "Silk" item. Additionally, "Wooden Chair" isn't in bold like the previous items, nor is it spaced.

You seem to jump between the pronouns "I" and "We". Please pick one. I don't know who "we" is, but that part is actually kind of intriguing. I like the idea that multiple people have created a ritual. You should however, give some indication to who they are, no matter how minor.

" I recommend you use one of your rooms as using somebody else’s could bring them Hell. " This line could use some explanation. Why would it bring them to Hell? What kind of ritual am I performing? I still don't know.

"Light your candle (if you can’t see the candle, then, maybe you should try again outside) " First off, this sentence is missing a period. Second, it doesn't make much sense. I can do this ritual outside? Wouldn't that disregard the previous steps? I don't understand.

"If you are already in fear, and your mind is playing tricks on you. " This sentence makes no sense. Did you mean "or your mind is..."? By the way, I'm eight steps into the ritual and still don't know what I'm doing the ritual for.

"Okay, I assume you already have a Phone on you, Smartphone, IPhone, any kind of phone that can contact others." Why wasn't this item mentioned in the required items list?

" If you have not heard anything for up to five minutes. We recommend you stop this ritual, why?" You need to reconfigure these sentences. At this point in the ritual, I almost have an idea of what is going on. Almost. You really need to be clear on what this ritual is for.

" If you have heard any sounds for those five minutes that are now gone." This sentence makes no sense.

" I forgot to warn you that your body could shutdown, fall into a deep sleep (it all depends on the amount of energy in the room) " First off, this story is missing a period. Second, this seems like a huuuuuge thing to forget to mention. It's also not very well explained why my body could shut down, or what that even means.

"True, you could just open the door, but not even we know what this ritual is capable of doing to you. " And therein lies the problem with this story. Nobody knows what the ritual is. There need to be reasons for this ritual, I can't stress that enough.

Hey man, I'm sorry, but I just can't get through the rest of this. There's nothing in here to keep me particularly entertained long enough to finish it. Admittedly, I dislike this type of story, but yours really needs some purpose in it throughout, so the reader actually knows what's going on. I hope what I have here is useful enough to get you on the right track.

Thanks, I’m not going to keep my reply short. I actually have a few questions for you, pal. Not only that, I’m more interested in your review, it’s helped me see what was wrong with it. I read it before, several times a matter of fact, and I still couldn’t see the problem right in front of me. You have inspired me to rewrite this story, change it up, fix up problems. Now I can thanks to your review. I really appreciate all the time & effort you put into both (reading my story, and reviewing it too) I can tell that you didn’t find it as enjoyable as others have done. Interesting, it’s rather your taste, or it’s your own opinion. Either way, it does sound like it’s going to be a common opinion, and might even differ throughout drafts. I’ll begin rewriting this story tomorrow morning, fixing up a few errors, changing a few things round. I might even change some parts of the story that don’t make sense. I’m willing to expand on some of the questions you have asked, willing to answer those questions here & in the story itself. I like that you have been interested by certain elements in my story. Especially “We” – I thank you again for pointing that out. This is a key part in the Ritual, and it’s what sets it apart from other rituals. To be honest, (not trying to brag here) but there is so many parts, elements, and just overall styles that make it stand out from other rituals. I’m not a fan of how you called my beginning ‘cliché’ – each to their own, I guess. Looking back on it, I am starting to see why you criticized it. ( : Thanks again, You have given me enough reason to convince me to work on a second draft.