Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26158797-20150322085128/@comment-26158797-20150322122438

Atonal Anthem wrote: Wow, you're from Finland! The fact that you wrote this with your native tongue being Finnish, is just amazing!!!

But on to the pasta. There are several plotholes (some triggered by awkward phrasing), but the twist at the end came quite unexpected. It isn't very creepy, though. I would recommend to change the opening paragraph. There aren't THAT many stories about weak kids going mad and killing all their bullies, that have occured in real life. Remember: these kids are weak. If there any deaths in these bully cases, it's more likely that it is a suicude of the victim (alas, but true). So you should not refer to real life, as you do in the first sentence, if you actually refer to fictional works of horror.

"Every school has it’s own outcasts, and then there are the ones who either pick on these outcasts just for the fun of it or just ignore them."- Fact

"We all know how the story goes, there’s a kid who is not like the rest and gets picked on, the kid starts developing mental issues, goes crazy and then kills everyone who he or she had been bullied or ignored by." -Fiction

That's until a girl called Shiloh wants to change the ending. Question pops up- is this referring to fact or fiction? That question brutally murders the "horror" in this story. You get the idea that the story is fictional. What is scariest out of fiction and reality? I've recently performed a survey on that topic, so I can tell you that most people fear reality. Hence the conclusion: if you want this story to be more scary, you should try to make it more realistic.

I, personally, think that you could go in more detail here. Who was Shiloh? What was her motivation for helping bullied kids? "Protect him from the future" doesn't cover it up. It's like drinking coffee to drink. Not because you like it, try to wake up, want to increase consentration, but just to drink. Why did she help the guy in that specific way? I can't relate with the main character; she doesn't "come out of the words". You should deepen it out.

Finally, the surprise. What was it? I get that it wasn't a nice one, but it would have been good if you actually told us what it was. Otherwies, it doesn't get scary at all. She could have left them a stolen Mac for all we know.

There are many grammatical issues, such as "its" and "it's", awkward phrasing and paragraphs. You also jump to present tense a few times through your story.

I'm sorry if this review is somewhat messy (I'm multitasking), but I hope it helps! Thanks, I really appreciate that you took your time to point out all of the things, and I know that I sometimes use the wrong words while writing, and I do apologize for that.