Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27190570-20160113011916

This a complete rewrite of my story "On Immortality" I worded everything a bit differently, though up an explanation as to why immortality happens, got rid of that stupid part with John, came up with a better ending and intro.

Immortality. Humans are fascinated with the concept. The fear of death unique to all creature leads us to belief in ageless deities, who have lived for all time and will continue to do so. We believe in the afterlife to alleviate the pain that comes with death. “Yes, Great Aunt Susan is gone, but she’s gone to a better place where she’ll live forever!” But what if you could live forever here on earth and just not know it? I’ve peaked your interest haven’t I? Well, It’s completely possible that you are immortal, you just don’t know it. In fact, I’m sure there are plenty immortal people who die of old age, never realizing their true nature. There is a God, but he’s not benevolent. He’s not evil either. He entirely indifferent, and created humans purely for amusement. He’s inhabited many planets, but you were the first, and have always held a place in his heart. This being despite your relative dullness. Regardless, of you’re honor of being first, he really doesn’t spend that much time here. Occasionally he stops by to check on things, throw some wrenches into things to keep it interesting. Most recently, he introduced immortality to some humans, just to see how we’d react. What a prick, right? Deity ethics aside, the point is that you may very well be immortal. I’m not sure about the exact ratio, but I’d guess that about 1 in every five-hundred people is immortal. Once again I don’t know how it happens, only that it does. There’s nothing you can do to increase your chances, it’s purely random. Good or bad, white or black, gay or straight, it doesn’t matter. But, to enjoy the benefits of immortality, you must be made aware of your deathless status. Now, just saying “I’m immortal” isn’t going to work. Also, for whatever reason, if you aren’t aware of your immortality, you can still die. It’s a shitty system, but it’s here none-the-less. Have you ever heard the anecdote about the frog in the pot of water? Turn the heat up slowly, and the frog boils to death in the pot. But turn it up fast, and the frog leaps out. This anecdote is quite adept at explaining immortality. I’m not sure why, but slow killers, such as disease or natural causes don’t trigger the immortality. To do that you need trauma. A gunshot wound is a great example, as is getting hit by a truck. Why? I haven’t a clue. I’m not the one in charge, folks. So, you’re faced with an option. You could go try and off yourself to test your immortality, but you should consider the risks. Obviously you could end up not being immortal and end up with your brains on the wall, but choosing to not take the risk could be even worse. How content would you be choking on your own vomit in some low-rent retirement home, knowing you could’ve been immortal the whole time? If you’re thinking something along the lines of “But wouldn’t this create a dystopian world in which the immortal’s rule over everyone?”, you’re right. The discovery of immortality throw the world into disarray and completely turn every known religion on its’ head. Overall, immortality has a negative impact on the world, unless you are one of the deathless. Think about it, oppressive rulers remaining in power for all of time, riots throughout the world, invulnerable mass shooters, the possibilities for chaos are endless. So, by now you must be wondering who I am. The short answer to that is “Death.” The long answer is that I am a nameless, ageless entity that has nearly limitless power. But here’s the thing, I no longer have limitless power. For a very long time, I was the world’s only constant. The Law of Entropy, things move from a state of order to one of disorder, everything that is solid will decay, everything thing that is living will die. That’s no longer true, immortality has broken the one law that governs the entirety of the universe, it’s only a matter of time before it throws your world into disarray. So, personally, I’d take the risk. Worst case scenario, you die, but, at least that way you won’t be a slave to your immortal oppressors and won’t see the death of the universe. If, you’re immortal, then congrats, you are now one of the most powerful beings in the universe, but you are also forced to witness the end of time. Consider this “story” a warning. You might also choose to view it, perhaps more correctly, as a head start.

Thanks for reading, I am aware of most of the grammar issues so I'm looking for mostly flaws in the story. All feedback is appreciated. Thanks :) 