Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3563804-20190526125216/@comment-9041013-20190527193949

Aside from the language issue.

The plot is really not great; you have a typical cartoonish socially awkward character who gets coexed by the "mean girl playing good" to go somewhere, get pranked badly, in your case to death with fireworks only to come back as a evil thing that kills them because reasons.

I mean, maybe give it more time and build; establish a genuine relationship between the narrator and Natasha, maybe with her friends before he gets killed. Then add some Hell sequence or something that explains how he came back and then have him kill the bad kids, preferably creatively.

You could also do it from the end to the beginning chronologically speaking; have the narrator in his post mortem form monologue about what happened. To us or to a character he is about to hurt.