Talk:The Abomination Man/@comment-28088262-20150724154650

I'm giving this one 4/10.

Reason being that it lacks in a few areas. I made a few edits where I could.


 * The pacing is oddly fast, and there is hardly any description or explanation. For example, why is she cleaning out a dead man's house? It certainly seems a little random at the beginning. You could've made it a little more conspicuous that they were going to rent it out. The end also seemed rushed - show, not tell. Describe the corpse more, how it made her feel, or at least, throw in a few similies and metaphors to spice up your writing; i.e. it crawled like a lizard, my heart was in my mouth, etc.
 * 'Creaking noises' don't usually 'emerge'. There are some other wording choices you should look over here, other than that one. You could say 'the creaking noises gradually became louder' or something like that. But 'emerge' is normally used with objects or concepts. Same with 'utterly in shock' and 'ran forwards'. You should try to fix these awkward wording mistakes so it appears better written.
 * Caps are okay if used VERY sparingly (like I'm doing), but there are just too many of them in this story. It makes it look childish and is uneccessary. The overuse of exclamation marks i.e. 'HELP!!!!!!!!!!!' combined with overuse of caps is dreadful. I would suggest taking most of them out.
 * The notes on the walls are a little cliche, don't you think? 'GET OUT NOW' 'HAHA YOU'RE DEAD NOW'. Seriously? Why not try leaving some more inventive clues, perhaps like a few spots of dried blood or a piece of ripped clothing. Even an arm or leg would do better than those cringeworthy notes.
 * The last sentence is way too rushed, and definitely seems like you were having a late night and just wanted to finish the goddamned thing. As I said, pacing, and more description.
 * Telling us a bit more about Haley wouldn't hurt. She seems kinda like a robot with no emotions other than bored, curious and outright screaming terrified. Perhaps tell us more about John Diskuff's background, why he wanted to kill all those people, etc.
 * The phone running out of battery is cliche and uneccessary, because she doesn't know she's in danger yet, so she doesn't need to phone anyone, if you catch my drift? If you were hinting that the light was too dim for her to see clearly, you could've still said that without the 'running out of battery' - it's just a thing we don't really like, and used too often.
 * 'IT WAS BLOOD. Real blood.' Just...no. We don't need that.

But there are some good ideas present in the story which I give you credit for:


 * The description of Diskuff was quite frightening, even though it could have been executed better. Imagining a bald old git walking on his arms is very unnerving.
 * The newspaper headings were a good idea and an inventive way to inform us about the situation. Perhaps if she'd read a bit more, you could've described some more stuff about Diskuff.
 * You set it in a scary place, which allows lots of potential for scary things to happen.

All in all, a good screamer, but could be better written as it needs work. If you need help, feel free to leave a message on my talk page.