Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31424920-20190902155407/@comment-35711173-20190902191130

Hi,

English: You made a number of mistakes. I can point out the ones I spotted, but your use of English is definitely better than most first drafts here on the Workshop.

Story: Good writing is emotional. You had emotion that you made the reader feel. I think that you can improve the story by editing it. Some of the dialogue sounds ponderous to me. Nobody would really talk like that. If you haven't, read it out loud. I know that's standard advice, and you may well have, but go through it critically. Ask yourself whether each sentence is needed. If it doesn't drive the story forward, it drags on it and holds it back.