Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25945479-20141231060115/@comment-25665684-20141231222303

MonochromeSaya96 wrote: There are a lot of choppy grammar and word use throughout, making it a bit of a difficult read from the beginning.

Story-wise, I felt that it kind of lacked the proper build-up due to everything being "ambiguous" according to his memory.

I also found the conclusion to be weak. Basically, nothing noteworthy happened in the end, and there was no particular incident that was scary, let alone memorable prior to blacking out again. I agree. If you tweak the plot, you could make it work. Like Mono said, the most conspicuous problems with this story concern grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

One thing I noticed early on  is that you wrote "must of" instead of "must have", which is a common mistake.

There were a few sentence fragments that lacked either a subject or a verb. You used semicolons where you should've used colons and even in spots where only a comma was necessary. Semicolons should only be used to separate two related clauses that could stand as independent sentences. Like, "My girlfriend didn't want to talk to me all weekend; she was pissed. For example, this is how most of paragraph two should be punctuated:

''One in particular stood out the most in my head: Monark. Haven to sex, drugs, and EDM. Here you could find every Kandi Kid within fifty miles; the place was very popular. It had flashing lights, plenty of MDMA, and to top it off, beautiful women. ''

With another proofreading, you should be able to easily fix these issues. The conclusion is a bit lacking, though. It should be expanded a little, I think.