Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29997549-20170314010859/@comment-28266772-20170315170802

Hey, sorry this has taken me more than a day. I meant to post it yesterday but some fuss at work stopped me. I think it’s worth me mentioning that a lot of the issues have already been raised by Empy, and I’ve already seen you update the current article with a few edits so I may point some things out that are already fixed. Another thing I’d like to point out is that the story, as a whole, is good. But there are some subjective misuses of phrasing that don’t sound quite right to native English speakers. Not all of my suggestions are mandatory, some of them will just be suggestions. I will try to make it clear which corrections are ones that absolutely have to be corrected, which ones really should be corrected, and which ones are just me offering my own opinion (anything grammatical absolutely should be corrected).

-

From a small and secluded terrace she looked, gazing [looked, gazing mean the same thing and the redundancy reads awkwardly as a result – if you delete ‘, gazing’ the sentence loses no meaning] into the shining moonlight above her village. The golden light of the yellow moon [the repetition of moonlight/golden light of the yellow moon means this sentence feels clumsy] illuminating the desert and the pueblo like the shining beacon of a lighthouse [the simplest way to fix this sentence is to change the tense from ‘illuminating’ to ‘illuminated’ but you could also just restructure it]; from there [where?], she could see all the great stars and constellations that [had/have] shone in the sky ever since the beginning of time. They were the same stars that the elders of the past had seen and counted, and that the elders of today now used to mark the passage of time and the dates of important festivals and rites.

The great and endless sky above was as clear as it could be, for this was long before there were any machines and factories smoking up the bright blanket of stars '[this is a bit clunky. You’ve spent enough time describing the sky, you don’t need to preface every mention of the sky with some poetic qualifier (in this instance I’m referring to ‘bright blanket of stars’)] that adorned the nights of that which we now know as New Mexico [the nights of that which we now know as… : there are so many simpler ways to write this and the sentence would benefit massively. It’s easier to just say ‘adorned the nights over New Mexico’ or ‘adorned the nights of what we now call New Mexico’ or something to that effect]'. The stars told her many tales, for her job as the shaman’s apprentice was to interpret their meaning and the messages the gods had put on them for her people. Legend tells [told] that Grandmother Spider [comma] sent by Tawa, [no comma] the creator of all of the [all worlds] worlds, [no comma] as a messenger of [from not ‘of’] the gods to mankind, wove her cosmic web against the backdrop of endless space, with the stars being shiny dewdrops whom she [delete ‘whom she’] used to communicate messages to the shamans and elders [redundancy; do you really need to say ‘shamans and elders’ when just one of those phrases communicates very similar things?] of man. Each different star, its shininess '[shininess – this word doesn’t fit your style. Shininess is the sort of word you’d expect a child to say. There are better choices (e.g. ‘radiance’)], position and visibility told a particular story to the people below, and announced to them, [no comma] which would be the best season to plant and harvest crops such as blue maize, [Your sentences are far too long; delete the comma and insert ‘This would’] ensuring [ensure] the survival of the people for another generation in the harsh environment that is [delete ‘that is’ replace with ‘of’] 'the desert mesas.

As she raced her eyes through the night, she noticed many signs of generous rainfall and bountiful harvest. Those filled her with joy, knowing that her people would not go through hardships like [they had] last year, [delete comma] when the drought killed all the crops and the entire pueblo nearly starved to death, '[again this sentence is too long. You should structure the next clause as an independent sentence i.e. “they had to survive…”] having to survive on scarce [this doesn’t make too much sense. Basically scarce means ‘hard to find’ but if the provisions are stocked then surely the people know where they are? You might mean ‘limited’ or find some other way of saying that the stocked provisions aren’t enough] stocked provisions and wild game (Again [no capital; also might want to delete ‘again’ since it adds nothing to the story]' made rare because of the drought). Good times were coming '[I suggest you make it clear that the good times are in the future relative to the moment described right now. As it is you start on the terrace, jump back to last year, and are now jumping forward into the future. It may be better to say ‘But now good times…’ or something like that]', and she could not wait to tell her grandma, who was the village’s elder shaman, about the good news.

However, something was odd on Grandmother Spider’s web tonight, [no comma] for amongst the many auspicious stars, [no comma] there was also one she had never seen before. She had looked at these same skies for over 3 years on [during not ‘on’] her training, yet not once had she seen this strange new celestial body before, shining where yesterday there was [had been] no light.

It was a strange star indeed, shining with a different glow than any of the others she had ever seen before '[ever seen before – the whole thing is redundant. Either say ‘before’ or ‘ever seen’ but not both]', scintillating with shades of pink, yellow, turquoise and burgundy. The young apprentice rushed down the terrace and into her grandmother’s house for advice on this mysterious message from the gods or its meaning. Her grandmother, an old and wise woman who had stargazed her entire life looking for word from the gods, told her that she had never seen such [a] strange celestial apparition, but remembered well what her mother told her about mysterious flashing lights popping up on [in not on] the starry sky.

She told her apprentice that those lights were signs that the Kachina, servant spirits of the gods who rule over the forces of nature, would wish to speak personally to the shamans of man, [no comma] to tell them about their future and what it may hold in the grand scheme of things. The old Shaman told her granddaughter that it was her job [as] elder shaman to go and receive the message of the Kachina and figure out what fate had reserved for their people, [I would suggest splitting into two sentences here] and that many shamans wait their entire lives for the great honour of meeting these noble spirits in the flesh. She told the apprentice that she was supposed to go to the far off lands to the west, where the veil between the spirit world and that of humans was weaker, and [I’d suggest replacing ‘and’ with ‘where’] the Kachina would be waiting to deliver their message.

Her granddaughter, however, pleaded her not to go, [no comma] for the old woman was just as frail as she was wise, [no comma] and the apprentice feared that her dear grandmother might not survive such a long and arduous journey. She offered to go in her grandmother’s stead and deliver to her and the village people [village or people, both feels redundant] this message so urgent that the guardian spirits had to come in the physical world to deliver to them '[everything after ‘message’ reads awkwardly. I’m not entirely sure it’s even necessary to state explicitly and I can no offer no fixed alternative. All I can say is that left ‘as is’ the sentence reads terribly]'. The grandmother advised against it, saying the young apprentice was not prepared to talk with the spirits, [no comma] for their knowledge was vast and overpowering and untrained ears could easily go mad from the unfathomable truth they might hear.

The apprentice on the other hand, [no comma] was unmoved, [no comma]    and assured the old woman that she was ready for whatever unfathomable truth [repetition] about the universe these ancient spirits might deliver. She said she would rather become a babbling madwoman than have her beloved grandmother and mentor die a miserable death in the ruthless wilderness of the desert. Her grandmother on the other hand, feared for the apprentice’s life herself [delete; herself] , but she agreed that her old and shaking legs probably would not let her go much [very, not ‘much’] far into the wilds beyond the safety of the great mesa. She packed her granddaughter a bag full of supplies such as food, water and medicinal herbs and pleaded the young lady to be careful on the new and dangerous path she chose to tread.

And so, with her pack on her back and the fate of her people on her shoulders, [no comma] the young apprentice set off into the starry night, passing through the towering sandstone formations that rose from the ground as if they were the pillars [to/for – either word will work] the sky itself. The beauty of the scenery [was] made even more striking by its harshness and simplicity, as the roving tumbleweeds raced across the sandy floor and the melancholic howls of the coyotes filled the air with an eerily beautiful symphony. No matter the circumstances, no one could deny that it was a beautiful night, one that felt like it was special and meaningful somehow. Moreover, the apprentice wondered, what was the sort of message the spirits had to deliver to her people? Was it a good one? Who could know for sure, but the sheer pleasantness of that lonely summer night on the desert made her hopeful that it was something good for her people.

After many weeks of tiresome marching and path finding, there [delete ‘, there’] she spotted it; rising from the horizon was a mighty rock, the one all of the peoples of the pueblos and beyond referred to as the Spider’s Rock. Legend tells that this was the place where Grandmother Spider herself, the messenger of the gods, came to the physical world to give mankind the gift of fire. For many peoples of the desert this was believed to be the earthly abode of the spider goddess herself, and the place where the world of the spirits blend with the physical world. The apprentice took her perilous steps up the mighty sandstone cliff, a climb that had killed many shamans before her, but that she would do again gladly if it meant a better future for her village and her people.

After reaching the top of the formation, there [delete ‘, there’] she waited for the thick blanket of the night to envelop the land again, and the mysterious sparkling star that [had] puzzled her in the previous nights to make an appearance once again. Yet when night came, [no comma] something had changed '[do you need anything after ‘changed’? I’d suggest being as concise as possible when writing] 'from the previous days. The lone mysterious star had grown brighter, [no comma] and was apparently moving with astonishing speed towards the direction of the young woman. The apprentice stood in awe as what was once a tiny shining dot amidst the dark of open space now appeared as a massive ball of lights overshadowing the moon itself and continuously growing in size with each second. That was when the realization hit her, the star was not growing in size, it was drawing closer in proximity '[closer in proximity – quite redundant. I’d suggest deleting ‘in proximity’], and as it came nearer and nearer [I’d suggest splitting into a new sentence and instead of saying ‘as it came nearer and nearer’ just saying ‘As it approached’], [<- also, no comma] 'she could finally see that this was no star at all.

The object that came into her vision was large, larger than the entire mesa where her pueblo stood, [no comma, replace with fulls top.] its [Its] shape resembling [resembled] that of [delete; that of] a disk or a bowl, and throughout its extension, a hundred thousand scintillating [you’ve used this word enough for it to become noticeable] lights shone brightly as [like, not ‘as’]    little suns,as [<- missing a space] the object whirled profusely around the starry night. Its texture was smooth and shiny, made of a metallic material that glinted bright shades of green like a precious jade [this is an awkward description (smooth and shiny/metallic – these mean the same thing, why say both?; I would recommend you write ‘It was made of a…’] and each one of its lights twinkled independently from each other with a dizzying variety of different [delete; different (variety means the same thing)] colours. If such a sight would make any of us, in the modern age of smartphones and televisions drop our jaws in awe, imagine what would be [delete, what would be] the reaction of a young girl from a small tribal village over 900 years ago? [delete ? and replace with .]    Well, she was absolutely flabbergasted by the apparition, for there, standing right in front of her, [no comma] was something no child of man has [had] ever [delete, ever] graced their eyes upon since [delete since, replace with ‘for’] millennia.

As the object drew closer and closer, [no comma] a larger light started to appear on its lower section, differently [different] from the rest of the lights, this one did not sparkle but shone as a bright blue beacon, [no comma] lighting up the entire vicinity with an eerie blue glare. Suddenly, as the blue light got [recommend ‘grew’ not ‘got’] stronger, [no comma] a single large beam of light emerged from it, and struck the middle of the cliff, resulting on [in not on] a powerful blinding flash that turned the entire world into [delete ‘into’] white for a few minutes. The apprentice was temporarily blinded; the brightness of the flash clouding her vision for 10 long minutes, '[delete everything after the semicolon; it’s far too redundant. Also split into a new sentence – ‘Yet’] yet when she opened her eyes, what stood in front of her only puzzled her even more [<- awkward phrasing (in front of her only puzzled her even more). I have no recommendations but this sentence still needs fixing]'.

In front of her, [no comma] stood a collection of at least 12 creatures, most of them lacking any face or defined form, yet something about them that was oddly familiar, [consider splitting into new sentence] and when she finally got close enough to take a better look, [no comma] she realized that she had seen them before, at least in some way.

The creatures, though at the very best described as “fungoid” or “plant-like” in nature, bore a striking similarity to the ceremonial costumes, dolls and figurines who represented the spirits called Kachina by her people. For many millennia, her people held celebrations honouring these spirits and asking them for rain and good harvest with festivals and dances, [no comma] where people would dress themselves as these beings for the duration of the ceremony. The traditional vests and figurines depicted bizarre and outlandish, [no comma] yet ultimately humanoid figures. Now what stood in front of her were creatures that looked like nothing that had ever lived on earth, be it man or beast. The old depictions of her people, she realized, were the only way humanity interpreted the formless and ultimately indescribable entities whose very existence seemed incomprehensible even for the most trained of eyes.

<p class="MsoNormal">Realizing their identity, she bowed herself in reverence to the creatures, whom her people believe [believed] controlled the weather and rain, and ruled over the forces of mighty nature itself. As outlandish as they were, these were sacred spiritual guides of her people, [no comma] and she knew as a good apprentice that she owed them her utmost respect. It was difficult to understand the Kachina’s reactions, as they had no face or expressions whatsoever, [no comma] and from what was visible, [no comma] no means to communicate words, [I’d recommend splitting] yet inside her by means she could not fully explain; [replace ; with comma] from her very gut, she knew that they had been pleased with her demonstration of reverence.

<p class="MsoNormal">The spirits turned to each other and suddenly many luminescent flashes ran through their body in alternating patterns, something she somehow inexplicably understood, [no comma] was their form of communication. Then, the tallest one of the bunch [I’d recommend deleting ‘one of the bunch’ – it’s far too informal] , who stood in the middle of them [comma] moved towards her on its slow but steady gait. Just [I’d recommend you delete ‘just’] everything about the Kachina felt wrong, as if they were not made for this planet at all and struggled to cope with merely existing on it, which made sense, considering their supposed spiritual and otherworldly nature. The slow and somewhat clumsy creature finally stood in front of her, and though it said absolutely nothing, for some unexplainable reason, she realized that the creature was asking her to stand up and face it.

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature then produced a tendril from its formless body and slowly touched her forehead with it, and then, out of absolutely nowhere, '[<- there are much better ways to describe suddenness given your style. I’d recommend starting a new sentence and saying (Suddenly, this tendril…)] this tendril fused with the very flesh of her head and felt around inside until it found her brain [the phrasing here is also too informal. I’d recommend trying to think of better ways to describe what is happening]'. What happened next, [no comma] felt like an entire lifetime, [no comma] yet it only lasted a fraction of a millisecond.

<p class="MsoNormal">The apprentice was sent to a state of trance, [no comma] where she had visions of the world and the future of all of mankind. She saw hundreds of thousands of years into the future: Images [future; images] of places and events that were yet to take place. Images of war and strife, with weapons that quaked the world like thunder and death and could obliterate entire cities far larger than any desert pueblo. She also saw the future of the people, [no comma] as a nation of strangers with pale skin and spears that breathe [breathed] fire drove them from their lands on [in] a far off future. She witnessed war crimes and the collective extermination of millions of people inside weird and deadly smokehouses. She marvelled at people flying through the sky in metal birds and then gasped in horror as they were also used to [I’d recommend deleting ‘were also used to’] set people and buildings ablaze. She saw torture and religious persecution, innocent women accused of being witches burned at the stake as well as just about every atrocity that would happen many centuries to come.

<p class="MsoNormal">She experienced all of that in gruesome and excruciating detail, and while she also did experience many good things about the future, the sheer horror of those experiences would haunt her like a ghost for as long as she lived. Nevertheless, perhaps the most shocking part of her revelation was the far distant future, which would also explain the reason why the Kachina were there in the first place, and why they were sharing this message with her.

<p class="MsoNormal">On a time so far in the future that would seem distant even to us in the age computers and machines, humanity, now finally experiencing prolonged global peace and unparalleled technological development, had [delete ‘had’] finally made [makes] contact with another intelligent race from beyond the stars. This contact however, unlike what we would have hoped, was not peaceful, and these beings, even more outlandish and alien than the bizarre Kachina, [no comma] would effortlessly conquer the earth and bend all of mankind to their will. Yet, they would not destroy us, no, that would be far too merciful. These creatures, who consider themselves gods in their own right, want to shape all the life in the universe to their will. Those beings, she saw, would mutate humans into livestock, pets, brainless slaves and even commodities and utensils, turning the progeny of man into a grotesque menagerie of degenerated abominations that would make any sane person’s stomach turn, for [I would recommend writing ‘turn; this was a fate…’] this was a fate a billion times worse than death.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Kachina, as it was revealed on [in not on] another vision, [no comma] were [had been not ‘were’] fighting those evil conquerors for millennia. They were doing a remarkable job on keeping them at bay in the far away space, [no comma] a long, long way from the milky way, [I’d recommend starting a new sentence] yet they were slowly losing ground and one day, they’d succumb to the ferocity of these cruel and despotic fiends just as man would.

<p class="MsoNormal">The real reason that the Kachina contacted humans for so long and shared messages with them was that, [no comma] they need [needed] our help. They were trying to show mankind future happenings and technology so that the societal development of our species is [was] sped up in a way that humans may [might, not may] one day finally catch up with them in terms of technology and help them defend the galaxy before it is too late. The Kachina are not spirits of the elements or earth, she would find out, no, in fact, they weren’t from earth at all, they came from beyond the stars and they brought with them a plea for help.

<p class="MsoNormal">How desperate must they be that a species as primitive as humans is [were not is] their only hope to defeat such a foe? How strong and incomprehensible is [was] the might of their enemies? How many other intelligent species remain unconquered and untainted by the evil of those who lurk beyond?

<p class="MsoNormal">If those questions terrify you, imagine it for a North American tribeswoman over 900 of [delete of] years ago, try to think what her reaction was after she was exposed to all of this with terrifying clarity and gruesome detail, and try to fathom what could have possibly run through her mind on the very moment the visions ended.

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature who shared the visions with her withdrew its tentacle from her head [I’d recommend deleting ‘from her head] and for 10 [ten not 10] minutes, [no comma] she stared a thousand yard stare into the alien being, her body in near absolute shock from all that information. Even though one cannot tell what goes [on] in the mind of an alien creature, or [delete ‘or’] if it has feelings and emotions similar to those of humans, she could somehow understand that the luminescent sign the Kachina creature flashed at her as she stared at its misshapen form was filled with the closest its species could feel to sorrow and regret. It was probably the closest thing in their method of communication to “I’m sorry…”

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature moved back near to the others of its kind, [no comma] and in a blinding flash as bright as the last, [no comma] they disappeared from her sight as if they had never been there. Again, she was blinded for several minutes, [no comma] but regained her sight soon enough to see their flying, shiny spacecraft disappear in [into] the horizon back into the farthest reaches of outer space. For minutes she stood there, [no comma] just glaring at nothingness for the revelation that was shared with her in [on not in] that fatidic day was enough psychologically [to] wreck the poor girl to the point of no return. 'That sentence is clumsy. I don’t think you need to state that she was shocked or traumatised. It’s very much understood by the reader at that point]'

<p class="MsoNormal">She made the voyage back the next day, and when she finally reached back to her [delete ‘back to her’ and replace with ‘the’] village, [no comma] the people all noticed her stare. The same stare often showed up on the faces of the warriors after a particularly nasty battle or on the faces of mothers who lost their children or children who lost their parents. It was undeniable that she saw something beyond horrifying, [no comma] and went [had been, not ‘went’] through enough pain that her entire complexion had turned pale. She refused to eat, locked herself in her quarters mumbling incoherent words and talking about the lights in the sky and the demons that lurk beyond. Moreover, she kept repeating one single phrase (“We must be ready…”), [no comma] in unison and the entire village worried about her mental state, without being able to as much as grasp the meaning of those words or why that formerly sane young woman was acting like that [delete ‘like that’; I’d recommend replacing it with ‘the way she was’ but you could also say ‘madly’ or ‘strangely’ etc.].

<p class="MsoNormal">Her grandmother blamed herself, for she knew that the girl was too inexperienced to handle such a message, yet the apprentice herself knew that not even her wise and old grandmother could [have] handle [handled] such a terrifying and oppressive truth as the one that was [had been] delivered to her that night on Spider Rock. The apprentice’s young husband cared for her during these hard times. Every day he worried more and more about his wife, yet he never left her side, for the young lad loved her deeply [again; everything after this point is redundant and over-explaining what the audience already knows] and the fact that the poor woman was suffering so much caused himself an excruciating amount of pain, so he vowed to help her recover.

<p class="MsoNormal">Things did not go very well in the next weeks though, and following [after, not ‘following’] night after night of remembering those visions as bad dreams, [no comma] the apprentice woke up in the middle of the night [I’d recommend deleting ‘in the middle of the night’] and gouged her eyes out to stop the pain. She thought that the visions would go away if she did that unthinkable act of self-mutilation, and as a result, she nearly bled to death. '[clumsy; better to write “She thought this would make the visions would go away. She nearly bled to death and were it not…] Were it not by [for not ‘by’] the efforts [of] her beloved husband and grandmother [no comma], she would not have lived the other [another not ‘the other’]' day.

<p class="MsoNormal">Her nearly suicidal attempts however were not enough to stop the visions, so she decided she would give [bring not give] an end to all the pain for real this time [delete this time]; on a dark desert night, [no comma] she set off alone, without warning her loved ones of her departure, and headed several miles north of the village even though she was completely blind. [It was a miracle…]A miracle she did not fall on [down not on] a ravine and die, but finally, she reached a secluded place alongside the rocky ridges of the mesa. It was a small cave, barely tall enough for her to stand upright, [no comma] but it was there that she decided to leave her message. Taking with her a few natural paints her people used to dye clothes, [no comma] she started to draw nearly everything she saw. From the European colonists who’d come many centuries later to the invasion by the monstrous creatures from beyond our galaxy, she covered up all of the walls of the cave with paintings, and even though she was blind, her memory alone let her reproduce the things that haunted her mind on [in not on] astonishing detail. She left her people her message and her testament, for she knew that she could not live much longer bearing this painful knowledge anymore.

<p class="MsoNormal">The next day her body was found on the bottom of a cliff near the pueblo, her face, [no comma] smashed against the rocks, [no comma] was nearly unrecognizable after the fall. She felt so badly tormented by the visions of that day that she preferred death to the continuation of such living hell. Her poor husband, desolated and heartbroken, slit his own throat a few days later.

<p class="MsoNormal">It was the grandmother, however, who ended up finding the cave, and everything the apprentice painted within it. She showed up [delete ‘up’] the drawings to her people and while none of them was [were not was] able to understand them, they made a vow to protect the apprentice’s memory no matter the cost, and even today, the location of the cave is kept secret.

<p class="MsoNormal">On [In not on] modern days, most people consider this story all but a legend that is told among the Hopi and the Zuni peoples of New Mexico and Arizona; however, two things are certain. First, this old legend predicted many events that were to happen with staggering accuracy. From the Salem witch-hunts, the Holocaust and many other events that pre-Columbian Anasazi peoples could have [had] no idea were going to happen someday. Second, there are leaked FBI and CIA reports of a hidden cave in New Mexico, full of cave paintings that they say the natives refer to as “The Blind Woman’s Cave”. The leaked FBI reports mention that the cave “must remain secret from the public”, [no comma] for its contents would cause “Mass [mass] popular hysteria on a worldwide scale”. Make of this information what you want.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">General Notes

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical errors – the biggest issues are word choices and sentence structure. This is difficult to give general advice for, but I’d recommend being aware that subtle word choices make a big difference and that you should stick to the simplest choice of words in any given moment. Also, you abuse commas to an incredible extent (we can all be guilty of this but you really go over board).

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues:

<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s look at the following.

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature then produced a tendril from its formless body and slowly touched her forehead with it, and then, out of absolutely nowhere this tendril fused with the very flesh of her head and felt around inside until it found her brain.

<p class="MsoNormal">It can be written as:

<p class="MsoNormal">''The creature produced a tendril from its formless body and slowly touched her forehead. Suddenly it fused with her flesh and found her brain.''

<p class="MsoNormal">40 vs 20 words. Half the words, same amount of meaning. Reads smoother but loses no value. Always go back and chop your work down to the shortest and most effective word choice possible. Every word you write must contribute to either the characters, the setting, the plot, the themes, or the mood. Words like ‘ever, seemingly, almost, just, nearly, absolutely, out of nowhere, mostly’ are words thrown about far too often in your writing when there’s no need for them.

<p class="MsoNormal">Another issue is inconsistency. You go from writing in a very dry overly descriptive manner to suddenly dropping in informal descriptions. You go from ‘faticid’ and ‘scintillating’ to ‘shiny’ and ‘tallest of the bunch’ and the differences don’t flow well at all.

<p class="MsoNormal">The good news is that once these stylistic issues are corrected you, have at the core, a very dependable and immersive style of writing. I was particularly captured by the description of the young girl’s journey.

<p class="MsoNormal">''And so, with her pack on her back and the fate of her people on her shoulders, the young apprentice set off into the starry night, passing through the towering sandstone formations that rose from the ground as if they were the pillars the sky itself. The beauty of the scenery made even more striking by its harshness and simplicity, as the roving tumbleweeds raced across the sandy floor and the melancholic howls of the coyotes filled the air with an eerily beautiful symphony. No matter the circumstances, no one could deny that it was a beautiful night, one that felt like it was special and meaningful somehow. Moreover, the apprentice wondered, what was the sort of message the spirits had to deliver to her people? Was it a good one? Who could know for sure, but the sheer pleasantness of that lonely summer night on the desert made her hopeful that it was something good for her people.''

<p class="MsoNormal">That entire passage above is awesome. Ultimately I want more of that and less endless redundant descriptions. I want more towering pillars and melancholic coyotes, and less clumsily described UFOs. You can chop a good 2000 words out of this story if you slice out every redundancy and really only say what needs to be said. I guess what I’m saying is, your strength is in the sort of atmospheric description given above. Keep it fresh, keep it moving, don’t spend 200 words describing a UFO when most people already know exactly what one looks like (shaped like a saucer, beeps boops, flashy lights; done no need for another word).

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – so the plot works. Personally I don’t like these sorts of stories. I was more interested in the Pre-Columbian culture than in the whole sci-fi business. I’d have loved to see more of the relationship between the village’s culture and the fungal monsters, and I would have liked to see some actual sense of threat. As it is the whole ‘doomsday prophecy’ just doesn’t interest me. But, for what it’s worth, it’s still a good example of that kind of story. And I’m sure someone more interested in it would find it a thrilling read. I know I’ve made like a million annotations but unfortunately the story was marked for review for a reason, and that reason was that the mechanical errors (I must have written ‘no comma’ a hundred times) hurt the story badly enough to make question deleting it. I know there’s a lot of black but they’re relatively simple annotations and instructions to follow and shouldn’t take that long to fix.