Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25891880-20150412232626/@comment-25226524-20150418004956

I'm sorry Ryan, but this story just doesn't work. I have to agree with everything Dupin said about the story not being creepy. You're also just telling us everything instead of showing us. You need to avoid writing everything so matter-of-factly. There were quite a few technical/grammar/wording issues, but they weren't the real problem. I really hate saying this, but I don't think this story is salvageable. The writing is just too bland and choppy, and there's almost no point to the story other than a boy getting obsessed with and taken over by a Gameboy. If I thought there was any helping this story I would definitely try, but in this instance I think it's best to just move on. I know you can do better because your last story, although it had its issues, was stronger than this one. Keep reading and studying other writers to get a better feel for what a story should look like. Keep practicing and good luck.