Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25093409-20161229012215/@comment-24101790-20161229013748

There are a lot of issues here:

Punctuation: You leave a lot of punctuation outside of quotations. ""who are you... and why are you in my house",", " I heard my dad say "hey, are you gonna bring the wife and kids to my barbecue this Saturday",", "the kid responded with "of course daddy".", etc.

Punctuation continued: You forget to properly punctuation before dialogue. "a kid came down my stairs yelling "daddy, daddy, can I have Froot Loops for breakfast?"", "I responded with "me?"", " I heard my dad say "hey, are you gonna bring the wife and kids to my barbecue this Saturday"", etc. "I know the date of everyone of my kids(') birthdays"

Capitalization: You leave a lot of sentences uncapitalized. ""who are you... and why are you in my house",", "the kid responded with "of course daddy".", "now he was hosting a barbecue!? and the wife and kids?...", etc. You really need to proof-read your story because this is barely a page and it's rife with errors.

Story issues: The introduction leaves a lot to be desired. "One day I woke up in another universe, not just because the name of my cereal was different. It was because I woke up in an entirely different house, I rented a small apartment, but I woke up in a decent sized house." I'm not sure what you're going for here. It feels like you're trying to get into the story as quickly as possible and not adequately building up the plot/premise.

The revelation feels really forced. "Then I quickly realized, I researched about Alternate Universes a few months ago, so this was either a sick prank, or I entered an alternate universe in my sleep..." Why are they just coming to this realization now (after they've been with their kids and in a new house for a day)? Remember this is the type of person who wakes up in a strange place with people he views as intruders that still answers a ringing phone before trying to get any clue as to what's happening.

Story issues continued: Dialogue needs to be properly spaced out. ""what's wrong dear?", the intruder said, I quickly responded "who are you... and why are you in my house", before the woman could answer, a kid came down my stairs yelling "daddy, daddy, can I have Froot Loops for breakfast?" the kid was looking straight at me, I quickly turned around to see if there was another man behind me, but there wasn't... I responded with "me?"" Breaking up the dialogue is essential for literature as it improves story flow, what intonation is being used, and helps prevent misattribution.

Story issues continued: The story needs a lot of work to be an effective horror story. Starting with the basics, it doesn't feel like a horror story. There's no real sense of danger or threat here. This would likely be much more effective if it was the family man going shifting to an alternate reality and losing his life rather than the other way around.

I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here. The plot feels rushed, there's not adequate build-up to the premise/events of the story, there're numerous mechanical issues, and it needs a lot of work to be effective. I'm sorry, but I don't think you can salvage this unless you completely re-write it from the ground up. There are other issues but I think this is enough for a start.