Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24946232-20140519105202/@comment-9967354-20140519110738

As a diary/journal entry, this wasn't the best. Bit hard to begin to map when it started going downhill, but I'll try my best. Let's take the beginning. Alright, you're in this new place, it's filled with churches, you've described the setting, etc. but after that? Oh yeah there's this really cool guy and this really weird incident took place and stuff. You have to lead into it. It's your diary. Write things down. Things that you know nobody's going to read. It as to be more personal.

As for the story itself, it's boring. I'm sorry, but it's the fact that the writer is just obsessed with Ben that ruins it. You've moved, and it's a whole new setting. You should really try to make your protagonist more 'round'. Not round as in pot bellied or anything. 'Round' as in more human. More susceptible to emotion. Don't bathe into the story unless it is the main reason you're writing. And I know you have abruptly lead into the story because the writer knows nothing of what is actually happening.

Give us an introduction! Give us an insight into your character's life and mind. That's what journal entries are for. They're about you. Not some random guy you met. That's just shallow.

A better approach to this, without changing much, would be to allow your character access to the whole story in the beginning. Gives him a reason to open the story. A diary is not the best option.