Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25254573-20150117215151/@comment-25170312-20150117231119

The bullying thing has been done to death. You have to put some kind of new spin on it or it's just not engaging. The fact that the bullied main character isn't the one who murders the bullies is different, but because it isn't explained it isn't very effective. I'm also left wondering why the bullies suddenly wanted to kill the main character. I get that they're bullies, but to go that far with it they need more motivation, even with the rumor of the one kid having killed before. And don't tell us that there's a "brownish-reddish substance" when we know very well that it's blood, and so does the main character (unless he's a complete idiot). There's also numerous spelling and grammatical errors that are easily noticeable like "pasny" instead of "pansy".

There needs to be more to this story. Try to add something to the plot other than just bullying and then a mysterious unexplained girl saving the day. It would help if she was foreshadowed more. The last line "Just a friend" would be far more effective if the main character expressed a deep longing for a friend. I know he's looked at as a freak, so we can assume he has no friends, but he doesn't express that he really wants one. I just don't care about him, even though I sympathize with victims of bullying (I was bullied myself as a kid, and sometimes as an adult).

My final thought is that if you don't want to explain the girl, then this might work as the beginning of their friendship, and you could write more about them. If you do, try to shy away from anything you've read in other pastas, or it just won't be worth it. And try to fix the spelling and grammar or there's no way it will pass the wiki's quality standards.