Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35515534-20190605053523/@comment-35515534-20190605201621

TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: First, a quick touch up of what you have here currently. If you like it, feel free to use it, but mostly I leave it as an example of a way to improve.

Michael held the knife close to him, knowing something was coming. Something inhuman. He didn't know what to do; there was nowhere to hide. Why had it chosen him?

The sound of giggling returned from down the hall. He had'nt yet seen it, only heard its laughter, loud snapping, and a shrill yelp. Michael looked around for a weapon of any kind. What he found would do, but he was uncertain if it would kill. At the very least, it might be able to stall for time.

Taking hold of the bat, knuckles white around the wrapped leather, he peaked out his bedroom door and down the hall. Silently, he approached the grey, spine-backed creature. The rush of blood stunted his hearing. But as the creature reared it horrid, bat-like face, Michael saw the source of the scream.

"Tinkerbell." He let out in a whimper, tears rolling down his cheeks. She had been brutally slain, chunks of her flesh hanging from the monster's teeth. A silent prayer ran through his head as the creature turned fully and lunged at him, only to be met with the wood grain of the bat. Swinging again and again, the figure eventually succumbed. Michael fell to his knees, drenched in sweat and exhausted. His knees shook to much to stand, and sleep overwhelmed him then and there.

In the morning, only the crimson stain remained. No creature, and no Tinkerbell.

Now for more general stuff. More details, please. Be really creative, let your imagination run wild. Really put us in the scene. As an example, even though the main character sees the creature, all we really know about it is that it's grey, has spines on its back, and has a face like a bat. Is its skin leathery, or smooth, or hairy? Does it have claws, or even hands for that matter? It's bat-like, so maybe wings? We just don't know, and in my opinion, you either tell a lot about the monster, or almost nothing.

The other big issue I have is that we have no idea who Tinkerbell is. I assume it's the family dog, but it could easily be a doll or even a family member, like his sister or something. Expand a bit on this. It's important enough to the story that it needs addressed.

That's it for me. I see potential here. Take any suggestions here as you see fit. :)

Edit: I also just noticed that Michael starts the story with a knife, but uses a baseball bat instead. I'd say either remove the knife or have him use the knife. It doesn't make much sense otherwise. Yes, haha. I forgot about the knife. I'm currently working on a second draft of this story.