Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38610297-20190223044730/@comment-5101683-20190224200805

Here's your story with some of the grammatical errors fixed. This is most likely not all of them.

 However , I really think you should fix how your story is written. I agree with what NedWolfkin said (except about the part about the monster being unable to be killed).

''Hello...I have recently met with two girls, who wanted me to share their story. Angel of light and Angel of Darkness were very unique twins, they were like no others. Angel of light is the better of the two, whose real name is Serena. She had golden blonde hair and her right eye was blue, her left eye was brown. Her sister Angel of Darkness aka Cara, had milk chocolate colored eyes, while her right eye was brown, and her left eye was blue.''



Serena & Cara

It all started one rainy night as the sisters walked home from school and decided to take a shortcut their mother had warned against taking, but at any rate they weren't going to make it home in time to do their chores and homework. As they walked down the road an old man called to them, "Well, hello, you two," he said as if he knew them.

Serena grabbed her sister’s arm. "Don't talk to strangers," she whispered.

Cara shrugged and walked towards the man. "Hell," she said, and saw he was a fortune teller.

"I have been waiting for you two for quite some time." He grinned and a lady came out with some cups and hot cocoa. He invited them on to his porch. "This is my wife Sarah," he said. Sarah nodded at them.

"I seen you two at the store," she said.

I wanted to tell you two girls being a fortune teller isn't easy." He coughed and smiled. "Anyways, I have seen that dangerous things are about to happen to this town and some of the people in them. And you might be two of those people." He shook his head sadly as the girls looked at each other and laughed. "You'll see," he said.

As they were leaving, he whispered something that sounded like, "I have saved many friends and family, but these two are in for it." The girls giggled and realized they were going to be in big trouble, the sun was almost down and their mother was going to kill them.

Cara looked at Serena. "Why do you keep saying the same thing over and over?" she whispered as they were nearing the house.

"I don't, that's you." Serena ground her teeth.

"Then who is it?" they both said at the same time.

“Listen,” Cara said.

"Run. Forest. Run," something said from the bushes. They ran up the stairs to their house. "Open up," they screamed. Something was coming up the stairs. "Through the doggy door, Cara," Serena said. They crawled through it and saw someone had been trying to nail it shut. There was barking. "Lady" they called for their dog a Cockier Spaniel, the dog growled and realized it was them and began to jump up on them.

Serena grabbed a hammer and nails, pounding them into a piece of wood to block the doggy door while her sister closed and locked every single door and window in the house. After they were finished they grabbed food, water, blankets, a dog, knives, and ran into the living room, which so happened to have no windows. They locked the door to the room and sat on the couch. Cara hit the on button on the remote.

As they watched the news they saw things appearing out of nowhere and grabbing people. The reporter looked terrified, "Today we are witnessing something that has never happened in our small town, Cherry-Wood Creek. People have been going missing since last week, and no one will be allowed to enter or leave this town, but it's not like anyone ever comes here, unless they went to visit a relative and are coming back home."

Cara's teeth chattered as they heard something banging on the door, "Let me in." and "Who the hell boarded up the doggy door?" They laughed and realized it could be their mother. One of them ran and looked at the window and saw it was her.

"Why the bloody hell did you go out there, mom?” Serena said.

"Because I was worried you two got kidnapped," she replied unhappily. "Where were you two," she said.

"Well we took a short cut. We had to, or those blood hound bullies were going to hurt us." Cara said.

"Oh no not them again," her mother said, tired. "I hate those kids," she said with a soft voice, one they hadn't heard in years. "And now we have a kidnapper in our town. I believe this town really needs more police." Then she noticed that the house was shiny and clean. "Wow you did a nice job with your chores."

The girls looked around and noticed this too. It hadn't been like that earlier. Their mother looked at them curiously, "You did do your chores right, oh yes they said. Good well you guys can watch some TV in your room before bed. They went upstairs, looking at each other, "Admit it, Cara, you’re playing a prank on me," Serena declared.

Cara shook her head "No I didn't."

As they lay in their beds, they heard a noise.

They looked at the window nothing was out there. "Maybe this is all a dream, or maybe it is real." Serena said. Just then Lady jumped up on the bed and stepped on Cara's leg. "Nope not a dream that really a dream," Cara whispered.

"Did you hear that?" Serena said.

"Yeah," replied Cara, let's go down and check." As they tiptoed down stairs, to their horror, they heard a shriek and went running to their mom's room. The window was open and their mother lay lifeless on the floor.

Serena ran down stairs with Lady by her side. "You know, now wouldn't be a bad time to buy a bigger dog" she thought. She grabbed the phone and ran back upstairs. When she came back up she saw a monster with a snake head, four arms, and a tail like a dragon or lizard. His ears were pointy and his face was scarred, and he was attacking her sister. She grabbed a vase and threw it at him. He dove at the window.

She ran to her sister, who asked what happened.

"He's a...a...a soul hunter, a human who can shape shift, but he ain't no slender man or whatever, he steals souls, and he can be killed." Cara said shaking. "I stabbed him with this knife and he started to bleed. He called me foolish and said that his blood is venomous to some and to others, it can change them."

Serena dialed 911, "Hello I would like to report a soul hunter monster."

There was laughter and the reply was, "There is no such thing, it's just a legend they tell at the festival, what you saw was a prank."

Well he was of no help what so ever. She looked at Cara and said "Well are you okay." Cara looked up.

"Never been better," she hissed, and Serena screamed, for Cara's right eye was red.

Serena grabbed Lady, and slammed the door and locked Cara in the room, she ran to the living room and locked that door behind her, which was metal, the whole room was built out of steel, and something else to protect them in case of an emergency. Suddenly she noticed a slip of paper, she picked up. It said this:

If you find this tear it up after you finish reading it and burn the remains & burn the bookshelf, but before you do grab the books on the top shelf and pull a brick at of the fire place it will lead you to the basement I always said that there wasn't. You must be careful. Do not let him see who you are. P.S your mother.

It was signed in her signature handwriting. Serena quickly pulled everything off the top shelf and put it in a suitcase, grabbed food, water, and blankets, plus a leash for Lady. She was not taking any chances, so she burned the note and book case. After she put the fire out she pushed and pulled until she found the correct brick. As soon as she pulled it out the floor of the fireplace opened up. She put the brick back, not the whole way though.

As she walked down the stairs the panel closed, she turned on her flashlight and walked on wards into the darkness, as she continued she noticed the basement had many doors with gold plates on them. Each one had a few words or a name one said this way too the grave yard she noticed another note, this one said.

Open each door and look inside if it has anything, grab what you think you will need. "This whole time there must have been an origination going on," she thought and opened up the first door. There was nothing but marmalade and white bread.

"So this is where momma kept everything," she said out loud. A rat scurried across the floor, and the dog barked.

"Shh, girl it’s okay."

She opened up the giant suit case and put two jars of marmalade in there.

"Well, let's check the other rooms," she whispered and shut the door. She noticed some keys. Each one was labeled, so she locked the door and continued on her way. Each door lead to something new and something told her this house had once been a palace or mansion. She found a note book with writing as if someone had been trying to figure out how to defeat or kill a soul hunter. Many more doors down she found a diary, signed Duchess Maria.

Down the hall she found a room with her name on it. She quietly opened the door, she turned on the lights and realized none of the other rooms had lights, so this must have been recent. The bed had a red velvet blanket, and the pillows were pink silk, the sheets were pink velvet fur.

She turned around and locked the door, she sat on the bed and covered up after eating a marmalade sandwich, she looked at the dog "I bet you know why they stock up on so much marmalade, sugar, batteries, and such" She smiled.

She pulled at one of the books from her suitcase, a soul hunter has two choices He can either turn you into an evil demon angel servant or wife, or he can feed off of your soul, the only way you can defeat one is by taking dirt from the very earth Jesus walked on and stir it in with some sugar and marmalade, a little mint and gingersnap, and trick him into drinking it.

"He is very smart and will know if you make a face or sudden movements." She finished reading and fell asleep, when daylight hit she knew right away that she needed to get moving. She packed up all she had and started walking down a tunnel. She led Lady right and left down each lane until they saw daylight ahead. When they popped out of the cave there stood her sister.

"Well. Hello," Cara said.

"Did the monster have a nice bedtime, or did she dream about scary things all night?" Cara said in a crackly voice.

"You know I am not afraid of you, she whispered holding a hand up, which held some of the defeat medicine, but none of it was working, it had said in the book, that they would back up and cry or something.

"Looking for something?" a voice cried out. Serena turned around. “Um...no. I was um... just on my way,” she said. eyeing what was in his hand. It was what she needed back for the instant kill.

"Oh that's too bad, the party was just getting started." he said.

"Right honey" he said putting his arm around Cara's waist. It all made sense now. He was looking for a mate, and they were angel shifters, a type of creature who came in pairs as twins very rarely and when they did one had a right brown eye and left blue with milk chocolate, while the other was the opposite with golden roan eyes.

Now, she must have misread the book, because only an angel shifter could have the qualities both Cara and Serena had, except well Serena was good and Cara was evil and only an angel shifter could marry a soul hunter.

Serena ran at her sister as fast as she could and screamed "For mother", suddenly Cara was in the air and had fiery red wings, "Bye, Bye I will see you when you can actually fight and flight" Cara whispered.

Serena suddenly felt different and saw she too had wings, she jumped into the air and flew after her sister plotting revenge on her.

Sometimes on a blue moon, some say you can hear the voice of both sisters, but maybe again it is just the wind.