Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24608253-20140410010736/@comment-6761334-20140425071302

I think you went wrong with your first sentence. Saying "I am a mortician" is basically removing a lot of the mystery. When you are speaking as a narrator you are, to a certain extent, breaking one of the fundamental rules of storytelling - show don't tell. To make it work you need to show someone who is telling the reading something. If you work it right, you can subervert what is by told by what is being shown.

As an exercise, let's say I wanted to try to structure a story like the one you did. I want the narrator to be unreliable - but not transparent at the start. I want the story to be centered on an action - preparing a body. I want it to sound normal, but I want a bit of a sting at the end.

hastily written example story:

"She refused to meet my gaze as I worked, but I would be lying if I didn't admit to myself that it made me adore her all the more. The uncaring lipstick smudge, the imprecise eyelash, and the slightly crooked tooth marring he smile all held an allure. Yet, in my profession flaws are not allowed to be beautiful.

Perhaps, that is why she is my favorite client. Nobody else has so effortlessly risen above our pedantic obsession with the precision of beauty. For the first time, my work mars the canvas. The clay is to perfect for such crude tools.

And yet, I have an obligation to fulfill. She must meet their definition of perfect for the evening. Forgive me my job, my dearest. I promise will be together once the funeral is over."

So, the narrator is unbalanced - but he has a personality. The event is hopefully slowly revealed to the reader, in a way that lets them put the puzzle together once they get to the end and can reread it to understand what the scene is about. Was this helpful?