Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32807959-20191208211820/@comment-33904527-20191210232544

Ok, let's start with the obvious.

There's way too much description of the gore. It makes up about 2/3 of the entire pasta, and it's not exactly a pleasant reading experience. If anything, the visceral descriptions are just going to turn people away from wanting to continue reading. (I mean, vomiting out her left ear? Seriously? Isn't that a bit of an unnecessary detail?) It would be more effective if you left some of the more gory details to the mind of the reader. There's nothing wrong with incorporating a little bit of blood and guts into a story, but I feel as if you could really take it back a notch.

The spelling and grammar deteriorates a lot towards the end of the pasta. Don't forget to always check over your writing for basic errors like misused words or capital letters in the wrong places. Doing this will make your pasta flow more smoothly and be more easy to read.

Also, consider forming the general plot of the pasta into an actual narrative and not just a 3rd-person description the entire way through. I would focus more on developing Jaki's backstory, why she became a junkie, what effect this had on her child and husband, etc.