Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28477544-20160517015830/@comment-28477544-20160517022757

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

Story issues: There isn't a lot of build-up here. The friends smoke a pack of cigarettes, the protagonist dreams of them dying, and then they do. There isn't a lot of description to really drive home the horror of these events. Take the story Skittles or Junji Ito's Tobacco Club for example. Those share a slightly similar premise and give strong descriptions and build-up what is happening. This makes the story more effective at conveying the terror of ordinary items being dangerous in some way. This line from your story for example: "She coughed more and it ran down her chin. She then fell to the floor." really doesn't express the horror/terror well. You should really be more descriptive and emotive in scenes like this. The protagonist's friend just died in front of her and the way she's writing the story, it feels like her death had no impact on her at all.

If I was to revise the story and go much more into the story like you said, would I be able to reupload it?