Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160413174929/@comment-4849011-20160425000620

Mmpratt99 deviantart wrote: The only thing that even counts as a lawn at my place is the grassy strip on both sides of the driveway. Inside the yard, every available space is either covered with greenhouses or sheds or overgrown jungle.

Interesting. You should use a place like that as a setting for a story. Heads up- I haven't read most of the posts on this thread yet, so I don't know how much of this is already covered. However, I did see Dupin's list and responded accordingly.

Typos
 * A lot about this stately light gray Dutch-colonial was strange from its old-fashioned speaking tubes and servants’ bells to the frosted leaves and lilies etched into the accent glass on all the twelve-pane windows, the way it stood apart from its newer-built neighbors, tucked back in the redwoods at the edge of town.- A lot about this stately light gray Dutch-colonial was strange, from its old-fashioned speaking tubes and servants’ bells to the frosted leaves and lilies etched into the accent glass on all the twelve-pane windows, and the way it stood apart from its newer-built neighbors, tucked back in the redwoods at the edge of town.
 * The same, however, could not be said for the overgrown garden crammed full of stuff and the stray cats or even for Mrs. Cartwright who was now convalescing at the Sempervirens Psychiatric Health Facility down in Union Town.- The same, however, could not be said for the overgrown garden crammed full of stuff and the stray cats or even for Mrs. Cartwright, who was now convalescing at the Sempervirens Psychiatric Health Facility down in Union Town.
 * “There’s no such things as vampires,” Ralphie murmured. “Just made-up ones like the Count on Sesame Street or those demon guys on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”- “There’s no such thing as vampires,” Ralphie murmured. “Just made-up ones like the Count on Sesame Street or those demon guys on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” (Also, the names of shows should be italiiczed)
 * “Yeah, well Mrs. Cartwright was probably just some crazy ole cat lady with a big hoarding problem,” Ralphie insisted.- “Yeah, well, Mrs. Cartwright was probably just some crazy ole cat lady with a big hoarding problem,” Ralphie insisted.
 * Everyone thought this was strange except for Ralphie who thought it was all pretty awesome. It was like Christmas and Easter combined, some strange new trinket was always turning up in unexpected places. His sisters thought it was all due to ghostly pranksters or house sprites, his parents, being realists, thought it was just more of Mrs. Cartwright’s collection turning up.- Everyone thought this was strange except for Ralphie who thought it was all pretty awesome. It was like Christmas and Easter combined; some strange new trinket was always turning up in unexpected places. His sisters thought it was all due to ghostly pranksters or house sprites. His parents, being realists, thought it was just more of Mrs. Cartwright’s collection turning up.
 * Geez, Ralphie! he shook his head in disgust.- Geez, Ralphie! He shook his head in disgust.
 * “I’m not leaving this tub!” His irate sibling called out.- “I’m not leaving this tub!” his irate sibling called out.
 * “And she stinkin’ up the place with her sauna scented candles that smell like roadkill!”- “And she’s stinkin’ up the place with her sauna scented candles that smell like roadkill!”
 * “What are you talking about?” Lisa asked. a deep frown marring her pretty, freckled features. “I was here all along, trying to improve the Feng Shui of my bedroom by re-organizing my entire wardrobe. ”- “What are you talking about?” Lisa asked, a deep frown marring her pretty, freckled features. “I was here all along, trying to improve the Feng Shui of my bedroom by re-organizing my entire wardrobe.”
 * After disarming the alarm, she walked into the living room to drop off her duffle bag and grimy soccer uniform, then to the kitchen for some gatorade before clumping up the stairs, heading straight for the bathroom. As she near the door she froze to a sudden halt with one hand raised to grasp the knob.- After disarming the alarm, she walked into the living room to drop off her duffle bag and grimy soccer uniform, then to the kitchen for some Gatorade before clumping up the stairs, heading straight for the bathroom. As she neared the door she froze to a sudden halt with one hand raised to grasp the knob. (Another option is "As she came near the door...")
 * She never expected to see the tall mound resembling a lumpish pile of large large intestines but sickly bluish-gray instead, and rapidly undulating like a mass of worms, or a pale triangular face peering out between the grisly locks with steel-pale eyes fixed piercingly on Marlee’s incredulous gaze, and then a widening crescent of needle-like teeth glinting in the dim light.- She never expected to see the tall mound resembling a lumpish pile of large intestines but sickly bluish-gray instead, and rapidly undulating like a mass of worms, or a pale triangular face peering out between the grisly locks with steel-pale eyes fixed piercingly on Marlee’s incredulous gaze, and then a widening crescent of needle-like teeth glinting in the dim light.
 * The thing was gone as well as the darkness, the muslin curtain was back in place, illuminated by a warm yellow light.- The thing was gone as well as the darkness. The muslin curtain was back in place, illuminated by a warm yellow light.
 * That’s quite a coincidence, she just mentioned it shortly after I saw something very Medusa-like.- That’s quite a coincidence; she just mentioned it shortly after I saw something very Medusa-like.
 * Maybe I just imagined it all--I know I got really stressed out during practice, and it was also very hot and I knew I should have drunk enough water, plus I just had a microwave burito for lunch that was rather gross and sickening.- Maybe I just imagined it all--I know I got really stressed out during practice, and it was also very hot and I knew I should have drunk enough water, plus I just had a microwave burrito for lunch that was rather gross and sickening.
 * Marlee couldn’t move, couldn't scream or get away from the monstrous aberration looming before her, she could only stare up and gape as it uncoiled a dark red tongue the length and width of a small fire hose, snatched her in its sticky, squeezing grasp and swallowed her down like a crumb of bread.- Marlee couldn’t move, scream or get away from the monstrous aberration looming before her. She could only stare up and gape as it uncoiled a dark red tongue the length and width of a small fire hose, snatched her in its sticky, squeezing grasp and swallowed her down like a crumb of bread.

I also noticed that sometimes you called the character "Marlee" and sometimes you called her "Marless" (unless I'm still tired).

Suggested
 * At least she didn’t do it every day of the week (which was a relief)...or that his middle sibling, fourteen-year-old Marlee wasn’t a fashion-freak and bathroom hog (even better).

He still couldn’t figure out how Lisa always managed to pick the exact time when he was heading to the upstairs bathroom, but she had already barricaded herself inside, humming tunelessly as she devoted herself to yet another marathon make-over session of primping and preening in front of the mirror while posing for imaginary photo shots.- At least she didn’t do it every day of the week (which was a relief)...or that his middle sibling, fourteen-year-old Marlee wasn’t a fashion-freak and bathroom hog (even '''better). He''' still couldn’t figure out how Lisa always managed to pick the exact time when he was heading to the upstairs bathroom, but she had already barricaded herself inside, humming tunelessly as she devoted herself to yet another marathon make-over session of primping and preening in front of the mirror while posing for imaginary photo shots.
 * When they eventually found her the next day, she was in the upstairs bathroom with an exacto knife beside her.- I could be wrong, but I think Exacto is a brand name and should capitalized.
 * Severed, dried human hands with long burning candles screwed into the nails were arrayed around the dismal drab room, casting odd flickering shadows across the lime-coated walls.- Severed, dried human hands with long, burning candles screwed into the nails were arrayed around the dismal drab room, casting odd flickering shadows across the lime-coated walls.

I imagine it's hard enough moving into a new house without monsters smoking stinkweed in the bathroom. I liked how obsessive the house's previous owner was with her method of protecting against vampires. I also loved the foreshadowing by comparing the weapon the woman was found with versus the wounds she had (I've used an Exacto knife in my art and classwork, so I know what kind of marks it makes). Overall it's a good, unsettling story. I think the ending should depend on whether you want this to be a more humorous piece or a more horrifying piece. The endings seem a little short, but then again, I haven't read the other version on here, so I'll read that before I say anything else about that subject.

On a semi-related note, I also go into a dark bathroom to test glow-in-the-dark products (vampire fangs, nail polish, etc.). When I used to catch fireflies I'd take the jar inside under my shirt, set it in the dark bathroom, and watch them glow before releasing them outside.