Talk:Mutti Dearest/@comment-5733573-20180803065945

This was the only one of your stories I hadn't read yet. Naturally, I wanted to collect the whole set. This story is very well written and immersive. The build-up may be long, but it's worth it as the tension builds and builds. I never quite knew what was going to happen, but I knew something was coming.

A couple of things: there are sentences with repeated words that are clearly unintentional, so a proofread would be a good idea. Also, there's a sentence you use that completely tanks the tension. It's, "Little balls of shit like rabbit pellets filled my britches." The word choice here seems more comical than what I think you're going for, so I suggest finding a different way to convey the fear. Finally, there's one spot where I felt like you missed an opportunity for showing instead of telling. It's where you write: "I looked at Marlene. She felt the same way." This would be a bit more effective if we, the readers, could see Marlene's expression for ourselves.

Apart from these small things, your story is very well done. I won't say I enjoyed it, because that seems wrong, but I was definitely affected by it.