Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150723152004/@comment-25825682-20150724024620

SoPretentious wrote: The meter is flawed, the second line in the third stanza has too many syllables. The third line in the fifth stanza has one too many syllables. The fifth stanza reads a bit choppy. There's two questions missing question marks. Consider adding something to the end, so that something happens to add intensity, that ending seems melodramatic, it brings it down IMO.

Well, in truth I did notice the over use of syllables in those lines mentioned, and now I'm more assured to fix them. As for the ending, I did originally have it with a subtle hint of a threat to future partners, but thought it would be clinched. I'll think of something more ominous.