Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27806333-20160614032448/@comment-24101790-20160614034433

There are a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, you need to break up the story into paragraphs and separate the dialogue.

"This is some Teen gone rouge" I think you mean rogue here, unless you're implying that this entire event led to them putting on rouge.

Punctuation issues: " I may say that your (you're) right" your=possession, you're=you are. ""Oh No(comma missing) not a spooky house(punctuation missing)"", etc. Punctuation missing before dialogue. "Adam sarcastically said(comma missing) "Oh No"", "Adam said(comma missing) “I'll go check out what that noise was."", "Sadie sarcastically cried "Don't leave me to die"", etc.

Capitalization issues: "a (A) tear came down her face", "'What else could go wrong?' She (she) said to herself.", "Look at this Idiot! (idiot)", ""Oh No not a spooky house", ""You Monster! I liked you too", etc.

Awkward wording: " A girl in the 9th grade named Sarah Bailey, she had a handsome crush named Adam Smith, but someone named Sadie wants to take him.", "but it didn't. It got worst (sic)", "She brushed all the spitballs in (out of) her hair and", etc. There are a lot of other issues here with the wording, I suggest you read your next story aloud to yourself.

Story issues: Dialogue is incredibly awkward/out-of-place. "‘It smells nicer than spitballs'", " "You Monster! I liked you too but now what I saw today makes me hate you"", "You went out with a slut instead of the girl in the back being bullied", etc. I'm sorry but this dialogue feels incredibly unnatural. Can you really imagine people talking like this?

Story issues cont.: How exactly does Sadie convince an entire school to maliciously bully a single teen. Look at the bullying here: pasting pornography onto the girl's image, verbally abusing her, Stuffing gym socks in her face, stalking her home and spray-painting a tree outside her house, etc. I'm sorry, but it feels incredibly contrived that the entire school (sans Tammy) would decide to bully her all on one girl's whim.

Story issues end: Here's the biggest problem though. The story is extremely generic. We get a lot of kid is bullied, snaps, murders people, and adopts a catchphrase. Even the written messages seem lifted from other stories with the same premise. "("Kill Yourself!" "Die!" "Damn Hoe!”") How exactly is the protagonist capable of overpowering two people without drawing attention. Additionally how is a shard of glass capable of cutting through a sternum? I'm sorry, but this story really hits all the teen killer tropes. I really don't think this can be salvaged due to the widespread capitalization, punctuation, wording, but most of all, the pervasive story issues throughout the plot.