Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170707062725/@comment-32461413-20170709115621

Skyrim90000 wrote:

AViciousRainbow wrote: This was a unique little story.

I would think about changing the introduction. To me it sounds like a cliche advertisement. Or even a cliche attention getter for a school essay. Either way the questions are a bit distracting.

Since this story is in the second person, it has to be more submersive. From the intro, you really have to grab the reader right off the bat. While most people probably would want an adventure or to see into the future, I can't say the same about living forever. There's a large amount of people who actually wouldn't want to be immortal. ff that's the case, then they would be completely off put by the first sentence which is something that you don't want the reader to feel. I would suggest that you should ask questions based on things that a vast majority of people can agree on. Immortality is not one of those. Additionally, the lady first appears "across the street." Not everyone lives by a street; some people live in the middle of no where or in the middle of the woods in which any street would be either be distant or obscured.

I find the Chinese writing to be distracting. I know you probably put that in there because it's quite a bit different, but for a person who doesn't speak the language, it would be distracting. Chances are that most people on this site don't speak that language and they would either take time to translate it (which would disrupt the flow) or to just skip it (which just makes the writing useless). I also find the fact that it is chinese strange. Why that language specifcally? It would make sense if the garden that the reader enters is supposed to be in China, but by the description, it doesn't feel that way. Also, I translated the first sentence into "give me the gift of the old man or be punished." I was off put by the "or be punished part" what exactly would happen if the lady didn't give "the gift of the old man?" I would either drop the whole Chinese bit entirely, or integrate it more into the story. I just feel that the foreign language is just too distracting especially when someone has to go out of their way to translate it just to find out that it is not a huge part of the story.

I am a bit confused by the very end. Why was the fact that the lady was the guardian of the secret garden witheld? I feel that if you mentioned it right as she first appears that it wouldn't change the course of the story. Also, (although this is nitpicky) you should mention that the "other gold ring" is a wedding one to clear up confusion; I had to pause for a second to think back to where the gold wedding ring was mentioned when the lady appeared. The question that I am asking after that is what is the point of the person wearing the other ring? That doesn't really serve much purpose to the story. I would find ways to bring relevance to the story so that they make sense.

I would work on making the description in some places a bit more clear. For instance, the tree with the small pond in the middle. It kinda sounds like that the tree is floating above the water. Think of ways to get the point across here. Maybe the tree is very wide and hollow with the small pond inside of it would be one option.

While I do like your story, I find that it doesn't have much of a creep factor at all. For a regular story this wouldn't be an issue, but for this Wiki the creepiness is essential. If you were to continue this story for this site, you would really have to beef up that creepiness factor. I almost think it would be easier just to continue as is and publish on another site. Thanks, I will fix the errors and then find another site for it. This was meant to be a normal story so I don't think force adding creepy stuff will work.

Okay that's fine. I was under the impression that you were trying to make a creepypasta. No, forcing in creepy stuff wouldn't work. I wish you luck in the future in your writings.