Board Thread:General Wiki Discussion/@comment-5597060-20160220190257/@comment-7064562-20170129005121

-Comments and text are in blue. Your story examples are in red. -

 I have no idea what’s with all of you kids thinking you’re the next J.K rowling or S.King, but you’re far from it, and it sticks out in your lack of self editing, lackluster storytelling, and the fact you always have to have some edgy MC, but it would be great if you all didn’t cry when your story got taken down. Should have used the workshop before to find the issues, not after.   “W hen I was a small child, I was a Half-Life and Portal Enthusiast. I usually did ridiculous stuff on the internet that was way ahead of my age. This was before COPPA, though, so children were free to do whatever they wanted on the internet, basically. This is not my point, though. I used to play Garry’s Mod 24/7, when school was done, I would go home and play on my favorite servers. I, like most other kids at the time, would use a MIC. I, however, used it very rarely. Everyone has their creepy moments in multi-player servers, right? Trolls going overboard, supposedly random strangers asking for your number and name. I, and anyone else who has seen the horrors in a chat room, just use the block button. I am not talking about the game, however, but a player, a very strange player.”



Not only is the grammar in this bad, and of course the sentence structure, but you’ve established yet another young kid who thinks he’s an internet ninja. People are just sick of those.  Also, stop using so many fucking commas. Like, holy shit, you don’t need one after every word. People don’t talk like that, there isn’t a pause between every word for dramatic effect when you’re having inner dialog or explaining something.



<span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#f1c232;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Here’s 3 that didn’t need them: <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#980000;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> 1) I, like most kids at the time would use a MIC. <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">(No idea why Mic is in all caps.)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#980000;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> 2) This was before COPPA though, so basically <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">(Guess you could throw one right here but it might be overkill) <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#980000;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> children were free to do whatever they wanted on the internet. <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">(This sentence is horrid btw)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#073763;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">3) <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#980000;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> I used to play Garry’s Mod 24/7 when school was done. <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">(Yet again, another horrible sentence that does nothing but kill off readers who don’t know what Garry’s Mod is. The second part of this sentence is a run on and it needs reworking. I suggest rewording it, changing it, and explaining what a Garry's Mod is. We get he’s tech savvy, but you can’t assume the reader is.)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">This is only the first paragraph and I’m already cringing and having issues with the pacing, sentence structure, and overall story. <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Little things besides all of this I found throughout the story: <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Anyways. No need for the “s” and shouldn’t honestly even need Anyway at this  point.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">You keep saying that’s not the point you’re trying to make. How about you get to the fucking point then and stop saying things needed to understand the story arn’t important?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">So many “...’s” Really unneeded
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">You don’t explain why he’s creepy or how his actions are weird.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The ending makes no sense at all.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">It’s not creepy or scary
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Did you go off on your 4 year break when you were 7? That would explain why you have the writing capability of a 11 year old.