Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24686384-20150329082315/@comment-24686384-20150401060958

Whitix wrote: You're going to need to look over this to catch the numerous capitalization errors (Beginning of quotes, the letter "I", etc), and spelling errors. You should also start a new paragraph every time you start a new thing of dialogue (Like in the first paragraph, to distinguish Jessica from her father).

The story, in my opinion, just isn't written very well. I feel the part where Jessica is narrating can make a bit of sense, as she seems fairly loopy, but the report at the bottom definitely needs a more professional demeanor. It just doesn't seem like something a police officer would write in a report.

I feel you're got a few extraneous details in there as well. Jessica's day at school doesn't really seem to matter, nor does the part about the length of the journey to school. These just feel like filler when they could be used to ease tension or unease into the story.

Any creepypasta reader will see the part about Jessica's headache and know something is up with it. Having her brush it off in a clichéd horror-character fashion is annoying as we readers know that it is important. It's also fairly obvious before you tell us that Jessica murdered Mark, as this is an obvious trend in these kinds of stories. I didn't expect her to eat her father, but I have to wonder why she ate her father; what tipped her over the edge? There should be a reason, even if it's flawed (To go along with the character's mental instability).

I know she murders Mark because she's being sexually harassed, but that in itself is fairly cliché. Character is wronged, goes crazy and takes revenge on their tormentors.

I don't hate the idea for the story. In fact, that could be done pretty well, if you expanded on it a bit, and included little "fractures" in her perfect world, letting us readers know something was wrong. That's what you should focus on in this story; give the reader the idea that something is wrong. Don't reveal it all at the end, reveal it throughout with little bits of information. As it stands, the ending is far too abrupt, trying to tie up every loose end and explain everything all at once.

I think if you expanded on the concept, this story could be pretty decent. In it's current state, I just don't think it's passable. Hope this helps! considering it was just something I wrote up when I felt depressed at school for personal reasons, many in this story, it wasnt all that good, but I do intend to make it better! thanks for your help