Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180615171904/@comment-5733573-20180617055801

This story is kind of all over the place, and it doesn't feel like there's anything that ties its disparate parts together clearly enough. It's an "and then" story, because the scenes don't really build on or grow organically from each other.

There's also the subject of grammar. Your verb tense is all over the place. As far as word choice, there's a lot of repetition that doesn't need to be there. The general rule I have is that every sentence in a paragraph should have a completely different point to convey. If two sentences are conveying the same point, one of them needs to go.

I really wanted to like this, but it needs some work.