Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399851-20160816055317/@comment-26444017-20160816062232

Off the bat, the first issue is the wall of text. You need to separate the story into paragraphs, or it won't last long on the site.

It was a typical Wednesday at school, I got my breakfast, went to earlybird, and first period. '''[Separate this into two sentences. "It was a typical Wednesday at school. I got my breakfast, went to earlybird, and first period." Also, I would reccomend changing the second half to "I got my breakfast and went to earlybird, followed by first period Spainish."] After spanish, [If you take my previous advice, change "After Spainish," to "Then", for consistency] I went to my second period [Consider changing "period" to "class" or "class of the day"] [,]'''which was computer literacy. I was in sixth grade so I had to take computer literacy before computer graphics. My teacher was pretty cool, [change the comma to a period, and capitalize "she"] she let us do some fun stuff and gave us easy tests and quizzes. While I was animating a stick figure scene like everyone else, the power cut out. Even the emergency lights went out. [Consider changing this to "The emergency lights failed to trigger, leaving the hallways dark."] Luckily we had many windows but they were all at the back of the class. The intercom turned on and stated that we are on hard lockdown. Our teacher told us to stay calm, but it didn't help much as everyone kept on panicing. [This sounds awkward] We all got behind our teacher's desk. It was quiet for a minute, but that silence was broken when a loud shatter was heard. [I reccomend changing this to "but that silence was broken by an earsplitting shattering of glass."] Someone in our class screamed but was silenced when someone covered her mouth with their hand. A lot of students screamed from the classroom next to us as that was where the shattering sound came from. [Consider changing to "Many screams could be heard echoing through the halls, originating in the classroom next door.] An inhuman shriek silenced the screaming along with a loud snap. The silence returned but again was interrupted by the loud ringing of a cell phone[.] The cellphone kept on ringing until the person who had it hing [hung] it up. [Consider changing "hung it up" to "silenced it"] We heard the shriek again but futher away. The glass that was on out [our] door shattered and I looked away looked away [looked away is repeated] from it. It grabbed someone who started screaming. Whatever it was snapped her neck and I heard the sound of flesh ripping. I finally had the guts to look at it. somehow [Capitalize], my mind recognized it. It looked like a tall slender figure with a face that I can't even begin to describe. '''[AVOID THIS PHRASE! The moderators don't like it] '''It looked like photoshop gone wrong. It stood there and started shrieking once more. To my horror, some of my classmate's heads combusted like balloons popping. [Awkward] All of a sudden[,] a gunshot was heard. A bullet went right through the creature's head. It fell over asphixiating '''[Asphixiating is the same as being choked. I reccomend changing this word to something more appropriate for the situationor removing this sentence and replacing it with something else]'''. It finally died. [Remove this line] A group of men came in and aimed their guns toward us and pulled the trigger. I woke up in a hospital bed in the same room as other classmates. The rest of the day was a blur. Since that day I was never the same. Every creak in the floorboard, Every knock on the door, even things I see out of the corner of my eye get me on edge. My mind keeps on telling me that I have seen it before but I don't recall seeing it ever. Maybe I have or maybe I will. All I know is that it won't come back.

Overall, I found the story rather plain. The plot is minimal, and the entity roaming the halls is generic. The saving grace is the ending, but I didn't think it meshed at all with the story leading up to it. Fortunately, I feel like it can be saved, but it will require adding a lot more story, and fleshing out the creature more. Your best bet is to mold the story around the ending, so that it makes sense with the plot.

On the plus side, there were hardly any misspelled words or grammar issues. Mosly, the problem was awkward wording, but this is easy to get around.