Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26169026-20150304202536/@comment-24976741-20150304225720

Ohhhhhhh boy, where do I began?

Grammical Errors

"Jenny decided an old folks home would have potential, but she didn't much like it as much as she thought she would." I think ya only need one much in there, don't ya think?

 " That's not to say that she didn't have friends or anything, but they just didn't seem to hold her interest for very long. " You don't need the but to put a comma in the sentence, in fact I recommend you don't put one in this specific sentence. At the very least as long as you have a complete sentence and an uncomplete sentence you can put a comma inbetween them.

"  Her friends weren't helping." Just a heads up you put 2 spaces after the period before this sentence, secondly why would see expect her friends to help her if, 1. she didn't hold much interest in them and 2. She was different than them and she didn't really like the job after she started it so why would they? Also it's her job, I would understand if it's to just cover for her or something like later in the story, but you don't get a job and expect your friends to constantly help with with your job.

"Not until the day that Martha moved in." I believe the wording is off in this sentence, in fact I think it gave the opposite effect of what you meant to say. I recommend saying it like "This was until the day that Martha moved in".

"This is what drew Jenny to caring for Martha". I just want to say I don't know why, but this sentence feels off when I try to read it.

 " All of the other workers were afraid of her, too, so they didn't mind letting Jenny become her fulltime caretaker.  This only bothered Jenny slightly, because she did care for the crazy old woman". First off you don't need the comma after too, second off you used the wrong form of to.

She made an arrangement with one of the other girls to take on Martha's care on Sundays so that she could have some time to herself.

"She made an arrangement with one of the other girls to take on Martha's care on Sundays so that she could have some time to herself." I can already see the disaster coming from a mile away...

"Angela, what do you mean a demon? asked Jenny.  Jenny could hear banging coming from the background. Scratching. Angela, what's all that noise? JENNY, GET HERE NOW- Angela was cut off. Ang, Ang, are you there?! Jenny stared at the phone in confusion until her brain kicked in telling her to move. She called the home but only got a busy signal. The walk back should have been peaceful." I don't know about you, but my first instinct would be to call the police and assume that everyone by the amount of time it would take me to get back to the place, would be dead.

Overall thought on this story. Too predictable, too unoriginal (not actual the plot, but for the ending), and too cringe worthy. I don't know about anyone else, but the story was starting to make me cringe around the end, especially this part, "Out stepped Martha, her nightgown covered in blood.  Blood dripped from her mouth and hands."

You had an interesting start and concept idea, but around the part where ang called, everything was getting to predictable, cliche, and cringy. Seriously, possesion, that was like too obvious. At least I was hoping for it do be done in a good way, buuuuuuuuut unoriginal. Needs work.

I just want to say, if I sound rude for picking apart every bit off your story, I'm sorry. But you got to admit I couldn't help but do it for this particular story, it was like it was begging me to.