Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30307610-20171028210302/@comment-26475800-20171030122444

You have two rather big problems with this story. First is the structure. It's like a laundry list of things that you've seen. Give some emotion, changed your sentence structure up so the sentences don't all look the same, and cut out a lot of the telling. You're listing all the things that you see, use the light shining on something to talk about it, not just listing off what was there. Bump into something to tell about it, give a reason to talk about what it is you want to talk about.

The second is that there is way too much before anything creepy even begins to happen. Throw something in there that would creep you out while looking around the place. Have the guy think he saw something, heard something. That kind of stuff.