Talk:Hell Hole/@comment-25052433-20140917032103

This was certainly a different take on a Creepypasta, but in a good way. So, let's all stand a parade rest and prepare to receive our weekend safety review!

What wasn't a total soup sandwich:

-Yes, I was in the Army myself for 7 years, and I was stationed at Fort Hood, home of the famous 1st Cavalry Division. So, even though I was a 25U and worked out of the S6 shop, I was also assigned to a Cav Squadron, and it was fun reading a story full of familiar military jargon.

-Two things are fairly obvious here, one is that you're a Cav Scout (or really did your homework on them) and two is that you've had some experience with the nightmare that is the Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Trust me, I had to install coms in many of those horrible, cramped tracks, and that alone was enough to inspire a good horror story.

-You used this experience well to create a sensation of isolation and tension. Driving down a road on patrol in Iraq is never a day at the beach, and doing so in a tiny compartment that very few people can really relate to, is another all together.

So, what was all jacked up:

-Your use of military jargon was a treat to me, but I can see how someone unfamiliar with the Army could be lost in all the Army lingo in a second. You need to remember that you aren't writing this for your buddies in formation, and that the majority of people that read this will have no clue what you're talking about half the time. I would suggest that you go back and remove a lot of the Army jargon and specific nomenclatures, and relate this for a reader who has never spent a Monday morning doing PMCS in the motor pool.

-This story is actually a unique chance for you to relate a lot of Cav lingo over to a civilian crowd. If I were you, I would go deeper into the lore of the Fiddler's Green and incorporate more of that into this story. I would avoid using terms like MSR and Squadron Coms, and try to use simpler terms, like road, radio.

Overall, I think this is a cool concept and something that you should continue to expand upon. Best of luck.