Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33937557-20180603171940/@comment-9041013-20180605181830

I think the whole setting just doesn't work well for the revalation, I mean, sure, a kid overdosing on that drug make sense in a 24 hour time period. I don't think addiction kicks in THAT quickly, even in kids, more over, from what I know, this thing eats away at your body even if you don't overdose, making the child unlikely to consume too much of that stuff if anything other than high would kick in, what should occur, logically speaking.

You could've gone for a much more simple case, coke overdose.

I served in the Israeli military and people who want to have beef with you will find very creative ways to harm you, this is where you're going to hear about Hash cookies, apparently someone gifted some soldiers on some checkpost here a plate of cookies, the hungry soldiers took the damn thing and ended up hospilitzed the next day with Cannabonid overdosing. No one died, but yeah, imagine feeding this to a kid... He would get a good kick out of the high and end up dead from the overdose, generally just detailing to his parents what can be summed up as a fever in a kids vocabular ability. You could go for a coke laced candy or something like that, doesn't have to be any particular drug. All you have to do is avoid the Krokodil, because it feels rather out of place and kills the truly horrofying part about the drug. [http://That's an example. That's an example. ]

Also, as Jdeschene noted, the tone goes completely off when the revelation comes about, either keep it at child terms or add a retrospect part to the story which makes the clearly adult tone at the end sensible and in-flow. On top of that the pre-ending sequence seems kind of weird as well, kids are usually more impatient and I do feel like the pratagonist should've tried getting his parents to call over Jimmy's house after say an hour of waiting or so. I even as an adult wouldn't wait for hours if somewhat was appearing to stand me up, I'd check on what's up with them or just carrying on with the plans on my own. Sooo yeah...

over all, not bad.

I was honestly sure this is going to be something about some mutated crocodiles eating their way out of the kid at first...