Talk:Visceroys and Artisans/@comment-26825939-20150807183737

I went through and edited a little for grammar and punctuation-- you really love commas! :) I'd also suggest thinking about your title; it didn't seem to have anything to do with the story.

Your narrator often says something along the lines of, "I can't describe how it felt..." but then goes on to do just that. You may want to polish it up a little, and try to avoid being redundant in your descriptions. A few parts (for example, the dad being in an accident and staying in the hospital, then coming immediately home) seemed to lack any function to the plot (the accident was never mentioned again, nor was it tied in with anything else). Other parts went on quite a long time and started to drag a little.

Overall I think it was a solid effort and you should keep it up!