Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26152295-20140503115234/@comment-24550863-20140504072623

I might be harsh but, here goes.

To start with, the grammer is bad. Not bad enough to be able to get the story right but it gets a bit hard to read.

There's that cliched buying-from-some-old-guy-at-some-alley. The conversation does'nt feel real at all. Its very typical and unoriginal.

And your story is very rushed. There are not enough details. The characters are all very flat.

The cartoon you describe yet again lacks a whole lot of details. You need to learn how to 'show' and not 'tell'. And the Donald Duck part did not make any sense. Its supposed to be only Tom and Jerry, is'nt it?

And after that you just sum up the story that you fainted and woke up in the hospital. I feel like you used BenDrowned's line at the end and just twigged it a bit. The ending is really bland.

All in all, the problem with your story is that your vocabulary is very limited, the grammer is'nt that good and the story is too cliched. I'm apologise if I hurt your feelings but this is really how I feel. I suggest you read more horror stories before writing a creepypasta. You need to widen and expan your imagination. Really, your story does not give me any chills at all.

-End Of Review-

I hope you can do better on your next one. And I really apologise if I'm too harsh.