Talk:The Rapture/@comment-26030957-20160111004815

This was a very interesting story. I love tales with religious overtones, there is just something so creepy about them. Like the mom in Carrie, what would that book or movie be without the crazy religious zealot mom?

I would have liked more details into their life to really take us there. For instance, when you mention crops, if you would go into greater detail, explaining what they were and how they have failed in the past, it would lend a bit of reality to the story. You don't have to bore the reader with minute details or anything, just a quick aside, like, "There are whispers amongst us that the dreaded seed-corn maggot will decimate our maize and the beetles will ravage our squash."

You are also doing a lot of telling and not much showing. For example, you say, "The town hall was struck by lightning today and six men died. Later I found that all of these men were beating their daughters." What if you described the lightning, like, "Today the heavens were black with storm clouds and suddenly there was a great flash of light. A bolt of lightning thundered from the skies, striking the town hall which burst into a ball of fire. Six men were trapped inside the building and died, their anguished cries filling the air as we struggled to put out the fire. As we cleared the rubble whispers abounded about how these men had abused their daughters. People spoke of bruises and broken limbs they had witnessed."

Also, if you are writing a historical piece, maybe do some research into the vernacular of the time. If you can pick up some old-timey lingo it will add a feeling of realism. You say that Claire and her brother were, "making out." I'm pretty sure that is not the verb that would have been used in 1874. How about, "engaged in carnal acts."

This was a cool little story, I like it a lot, but I think if you had spent more time on it and really fleshed it out, it would be that much better.