Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27905100-20160404181825/@comment-25763427-20160405051859

First of all, the name of the victim should not be George Harrison. Change the last name to whatever, but don't stick with that one.

Second; You may as well tell the story in third-person narrative (have someone describe George's actions) if you are going to give George a backstory. Otherwise, it's very distracting to the reader.

Third; You a moment alone with George. Have him finish watching the latest episode of something, or finish dinner. Just give us a touch more of his personality so that we care somewhat for him.

Fourth; We need more on the killer. We need more on how she descended into madness. Psychopath born of abuse is a decent origin, but maybe give a paragraph about her living on the streets, about descending further into madness as the world grows crueler. Maybe have her forced to fight off some homeless man or mugger, and have her accidentally kill them. Then she can discover that murder sexually arouses her before actually committing to it. THEN she can do it intentionally.

Fifth; Consider having the killer go back to kill her parents as revenge and then getting pissed off when she finds that they are gone. Have her plan on committing suicide after killing her parents, as she doesn't plan to escape the police until later. Maybe she sees George's family next door or across the street and decides to get her kicks off by targeting them.

Sixth; I really can't think up a name on the spot. If you don't have any inspiration, I would suggest you maybe drop the subject. Your killer doesn't have to have her own special name. If anything, I think your story would work better if she went anonymous. Alternatively, if you really want to make a really unique character, then maybe reverse the positions. Have the story from the killer's perspective, as George doesn't have any dialog and makes hardly any decisions. Without some kind of twist to the formula or some inventiveness, I feel like you have a story which is decent, but kind of mediocre.

Good luck, I hope you take this the right way. I mean no insult and I'm just trying to help.