Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-27154832-20160801002039/@comment-28266772-20160802142258

It was around 9pm. I had ran [run] away from my troubles, For [capital] now. I felt weak, my bones aching [changed tense] as I took each step deep into the nearby forest. It was so gloomy and dark, yet quite comforting after what I [had] just witnessed. As the leaves brushed against my feet, I came to an old mouldy log where I decided to sit and rest. My head was heavy of [with] thoughts. My nose was soggy and the skin on my face was ice like [ice-like/like ice] as the wind brushed it, covered [covering] it [in] a rain of tears. I was traumatised at what I had just seen. What just happened not to [too] long ago. With tears still dripping down my eyes and into [onto] my pyjama shirt, I looked up at the sky. There wasn't one. I couldn't see stars, no moon, just darkness, covered by the thick leaves from the tall trees [full-stop/period] I didn't know where to go or what to do. I couldn't find help, [full-stop/period/semicolon] I didn't know where it was. If I went back the way I came I would be dead. So I sat there and did nothing, but cried.

I was failing school and my parents weren't supportive of me. They had there [their] own problems and didn't give the time to love me. My Dad was a serious gambler, and an alcoholic. It made life hard for my Mum, and she began to drink too. I had a hard time coping and my school didn't help me either. Then tonight came. Mum was arguing with dad as usual, and I was pretty used to it by now. Mum was at least somewhat nice to me, but I didn't see her much since she was mostly at work. Dad came home drunk again, and Mum was sick of it. She slapped Dad and threatened to have a divorce. Dad went psycho. He lashed out at her, took a knife from the kitchen table, and….

Killed her. [so I like the description of the last paragraph even if sometimes the words you use are a bit…clunky.]

I watched the whole thing in shock and petrified horror. I screamed and began to cry as I saw my mother like that, with her lifeless body being overshadowed by the leaking blood [awkward imagery]. My Dad was a murder [murderer], a monster, and he had killed my mother. He turned his head slowly and looked at me at [with] his dark ringed eyes, [with] blood drops on his shirt and face [awkward imagery]. I don't remember how I escaped, but I did. But he's [changed tense] still after me. Crying, I picked myself up from the log. I could of [have] helped her, It [capital] was my fault she's dead, [full-stop/period] I began to walk deeper in the forest once more. My eyes were stinging. I wanted to sleep so bad but my eyes remained open [awkward wording]. That's when I heard it.

It was a whisper. Coming from the log that I sat down upon. Frozen still, almost beginning to burst into sweat, I slowly walked over to that strange noise. Could it be an animal? Or something worse… ….like my Dad [don’t stretch ellipses across a line like this]. As soon as that thought came to my head I was already placing my hand on the log, as the whispers grew louder. I couldn't make it out. As [second use of ‘as’ in two sentences] I began to turn my head over to the logs [log’s] end, the whispers suddenly became normal voices. Was I mad? With every step I took I made a five second break to think.

One step. Should I do this?

Two steps. What is going on?

Three steps. Should I run?

Fours [four] steps. I'm behind the log.

'[this is a really contrived style – over the top and unnecessary. You’re writing a story not a poem]'

The normal voices began to shout. It was coming from the log. Inside the log [Not a sentence]. My legs and face began to shake and tremble. As I peeked down into the darkness of the hole [dependent clause – cannot be written on its own like this]. The screams suddenly began to scream in agony [read this out loud and see if you can pick up on the error]! I was shocked and petrified and frozen and scared and traumatised and broken [and shocked and scared and shocked and frightened and shocked and scared and frozen and shocked and broken and scared and frightened and petrified and traumatised and upset and unsettled and off-put and perturbed and disturbed and aroused and confused and… trying a little too hard?], Because [capital] what I saw under that log, was my DEAD MOTHER. LOOKING AT ME WITH BLACK EYES, [fractured sentence] AND BLOOD COMING FROM HER EYES AND MOUTH. '[use italics to emphasise something. Caps lock is never to be used. Ever. Every time you press caps lock you guarantee at least one incident of rectal prolapse during your life time]' I leaped back from the log in absolute horror. That when I saw, [no comma] that the log began to bleed all over. The voice [voices] were rage inducing. That [that’s] when it all came [went] quiet. No noise. No bleeding log. Nothing. I began to processes what is [I had] just witnessed. Was that real? Was It? Why did I just see that? I looked inside the log again. Nothing. That's when I had heard a shout I truly remember. As my head slowly turned over, My Dad, [capitalization] carrying an axe, Having [with] blood in his mouth began [beginning] to charge at me. I leaped from where I sat and ran.

I don't know how long I ran away from him. His eyes were almost as black as Mums [mum’s]. He wasn't my Dad, he was a monster. I ran and ran. Outside the forest I went. Approaching a cliff, I had all my aching muscles take all of the energy and all of its stride to leap out and jump [this sentence makes no sense]. I was prepared. I leaned down, squatted my legs and jumped. I flew high as I made a safe landing [same here]. My dad followed me. I heard him shout “You little crap! Come here or else you're Dead! [capitalization]” As he took a jump, but failed to make it, and he fell. '[your writing has tanked as this story continued. Did you write it in a rush? It’s just gotten progressively worse with each paragraph.]'

I sat there, next to the cliff, as I cried to know that both my parents were dead. At least, that's what I thought. I took off into the nearby forest, as the whispers still following me.

I collapsed on the ground. The last thing I remember was the whispers howling with the wind.

-

So overall

<p class="MsoNormal">1) Mechanical issues – these are overwhelming. You just need to use some sort of spellcheck, and then you need to proof read, and then you need to give it to someone else to proofread. Then you need to read it out loud. Then you need to proof read it again. Then…just to make sure, you need to spell check it again. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, wording, sentence structure – pretty much every error that can be made turns up in here somewhere. Everyone makes mistakes while writing but it’s the failure to correct them that signifies a major problem to your reader. Remember – every mistake that slips through the net is something that tells your audience,

<p class="MsoNormal">“Why should you read this? I didn’t, and I wrote it!”

<p class="MsoNormal">So just bear that in mind. I’m not ripping into you – all my first drafts look like someone threw a scrabble board at a wall covered in glue. But it’s important you remember to use spellcheck because it’ll save you a shit load of time when it comes to editing.

<p class="MsoNormal">2) Stylistic problems – Your style is mostly good, although sometimes it goes overboard. All caps and that weird little one step/two step thing is what springs to mind. Just write naturally and trust that your audience will build an image of what is occurring. You don’t need to try and force tension with unnecessary repetition and over the top stylistic choices. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a jump scare when writing, so you need to rely on other things to build tension such as mood, atmosphere, characters, and descriptions.

<p class="MsoNormal">3) Plot issues – I mostly liked this story but I think the bit with the log was too drawn out. It’s also not connected to anything in a real way. It just happens with no real explanation. You should integrate it into the plot more.

<p class="MsoNormal">Overall this is a solid story but I think you need to take more time out when writing and read your work back to yourself, like… ten times. You would also benefit from toning down your reliance on repetition and instead expanding your vocabulary.

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