Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190515084101/@comment-35911608-20190515123456

I liked where it was going, but it feels incomplete.

I wasn't particularly creeped out if you were aiming for the fear exhibited in something like 1984, mostly because the world didn't feel like it had the same kind of lockdown that 1984 did, with kids reporting adults and TV screens watching you instead of the vice versa. I'd recommend building on that some more if you want Jason reading the Bible to be a more risky feeling venture.

I'd still include some of the world ending stuff at the end, but that last paragraph feels like a bit of throw away exposition, where there's just a sudden listing of stuff that happens. Maybe describe how this makes Jason feel, how other people in his life feel about it.

The little touches that poke fun at the contest are good though. I'm sure Mr. Shahaar will enjoy reading his cameo. I hope this helped, and best of luck in the contest.