Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33488654-20180828005908/@comment-33488654-20180829101658

DrBobSmith wrote: Steven,

In answer to your question, I do not think this is ready for prime time. I think you should improve it. Right now, it is too stiff. You have set it in a place where a "just the facts" report is kind of reasonable, but it is stiff even for that. The most dry as dust written just the facts reports were on the 1950's Dragnet TV show. Watch Dragnet on YouTube. It's not that stiff.

Why are so many things in square brackets? It really is jarring.

You need to make it sound human. It doesn't now. It's beyond the stiffness of a police interrogation.

Someone that crazy wouldn't coherently report their delusions. There would be outbursts and weirdness and pleas for help. They are in horrible pain in their heads. YouTube some schizophrenic episodes.

I suggest getting rid of the calendar dates. Phrase times in terms of human events. If you want to give a year, show it by the things that happened. What movie was out, who is President, what war is going on, etc.

So, she got pregnant in May. What happened to the baby? Was she ever really pregnant? Was there ever really a dog? Did she kill her baby, thinking it was a dog? Did she have twins and kill both babies? What was her relationship with the people she killed?

"Just before Labor Day" I took a pregnancy test.

I got the dog in "the middle of summer. July, I think. The World Cup/Summer Olympics were on TV."

"Around Memorial Day" I started to feel off around the dog. I remember, the Fall TV shows were coming on the air and ..."

"A couple of weeks later. It was the night that episode of (you pick it) was on, I was watching and then "

"Right after Thanksgiving" "The Thanksgiving specials on TV"  "November re-runs"  ... you get the idea.

Try that on for size. Alright. It was Vngel's suggestion.