Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20171105223905/@comment-25941663-20171106221651

"He effectively ended their lives" - I would like to see something other than 'effectively'. It is a very boring word, try something different (something like 'ruthlessly').

"one mans selfish" - You missed an apostrophe in 'mans'.

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This is a great improvement on your last attempt, well done!

I am afraid though it still needs work. This is a very, very tricky concept to pull off and requires a lot of experience. If you want you can try and improve on it, but I can't guarantee it will get accepted on the wiki.

A story like this needs to end on a high in order to work. This high usually comes with a twist or revelation. Your revelation occurs in the middle of the story, and it fizzles by the time you reach the end. That is not good. You should have the revelation at the very end. Here's my suggestion:

Move the "When chaos erupts ... which houses the wicked" part further down. Before that you should have the part of the third paragraph where you talk about the evil of man. Then, in the final paragraph you will reveal the truth.

I'm not sure if this would work, but you can give it a shot if you want. All in all, you have improved a lot and this was great practice. Such short stories are very hard to pull off, especially the ones that reveal some part of reality. You took on a hell of a challenge and you did well. If you keep this up you will become really good.

Happy writing!