Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180613055407/@comment-9041013-20180613104201

Way too fast.

What the hell is even happening, you throw a bunch of shitty situations at the reader more than the lead. I have no time to soak anything up, I was reading through these things without feeling for the poor people in the story. They are Stalin's cruel quote in the story.

"One death is a tragedy, a million deaths are a statistic"

Also, whats up with the characters being all civil until shit goes sideways in front of patients, "There's a Code Silver by the bathroom near radiology, looks like a bum, male negro, blood dripping from a hammer"" Considering this facility is lively as heck, ER should have some patients, some actually conscious enough to hear your lead.

Your story kind of falls apart from the start really, Hypertension Crisis is anything 180/120 and above, I've seen what it does to a person, the guy that came in with a blood pressure that should by that point rupture all of his arteries and blow up his heart shouldn't act like his head isn't pounding, he isn't nauseous or his body isn't overtaxed by internal stress is just not the case. Also, if the guy is about to stroke out, or have a cardiac arrest he should be visible complaining about symptoms like impaired vision, hearing, various pains.

The mother with the fevering child seems to be not very concerned about her child's condition, if it's a baby, any sort of fever should make a mother kind of panic, if it's a young kid who needs to be carried around due to fever, you should definitely see panic.

You have your lead tell people there's a suspect assault, they call the cops, but he somehow escapes? in a crowded place... you know what I'll take it, why isn't the place all tense and stuff once the cops arrive, as there's a murder victim in the building. I mean, they called murder cops... so....

the story is all over the place, I think it gave me hypertension ;) and then you just insert a random murder.

I dunno.