Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24713615-20140627010626/@comment-24713615-20140628164708

Ecuinach wrote: This was a great story, but I have two major gripes.

First of all, your dialouge is very unrealistic. The people are unbelievibly mean and one demsional as well. Listen in to some actualy conversations in public places, or just straight up practice it more.

Secondly, the last quarter or so feels much different than the rest of the slower, descriptive story. In my opinion, the ending should go like this:

"...The boy brought up a hand and rapped on the door. For the first time, the woman moved, reaching a hand into a pocket of her old and ugly purse, grabbing a worn key. Her wrist swerved up towards the lock on the door. She turned the inserted key slowly, until the three of them heard a click.

“Er...Is this your place?” The young girl spoke, obviously confused, looking warily now towards her partner. The woman still did not speak.

The three entered slowly, the women from tiredness and age, the couple influenced by fear and disgust. The place was decrepit and reeked with a sickly sweet oder akin to rotting garabage. The elder moved with a purpose towards the back of house. Soon they reached the kitchen, and the source of the horrid stench.

Lying on the ground, was her husband rotting, kitchen knife still plunged into his chest. The rats and flies did their work throughly through out the years.

All that remained was little more than bones."

Feel free to steal this ending, I don't require credit. It was fun to write. Anyway, I hope this helps.

Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and leave such helpful, constructive criticism! It's very nice to see, and this input will surely help me a lot as I change up this story. I have decided to redo the ending, as I should. It really doesn't fit, and I realize that now.

I really enjoyed reading the ending that you wrote, and I'm glad you cared so much as to give me a little insight into how I can make it different. Although some of the details don't match exactly how I was thinking of finishing off this story, it really helped me. I know that it can be a much shorter ending, without so much unecessary and unrealisitic imagery that didn't match the woman's characeter. Thank you for letting me use it if I wish, I'll certainly reference it for that 'mysterious' feel that you provided.

As for the dialogue, it's not my strongest suit. I will look it over and try to imagine how an actual teenager would say it ( Although I should know, as I am one myself, haha.) I always struggle with making it realistic, so thanks for pointing that out so I can fix it. I really appreciate how much thought you put into your review. My biggest thanks!