Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33531395-20200221183522/@comment-5306249-20200221191651

Grammatically I don’t see any issues. I would probably get rid of certain redundancies that have already been established (making repeated references to Derrick’s sweatiness); (pointing out time froze, twice as dad lifts the bed). Etc.

Additionally, the big reveal at the end is kind of obvious midway through: we know its probably the dad since he fits into the missing nuclear family set up and he knows Derrick’s name. I don’t want to say a whole rewrite is in order, but perhaps changing the events to make the dad even more monstrous or creepy will help drive home the horror aspect.

Maybe (creative suggestion here), have Derrick have a flashback in the beginning to every time he was abused, remembering his dad, and utilize the intruder as a red herring to make the reader believe its a random intruder as opposed to his dad finally snapping. personally I think that sort of psychological play is what you need to make this ascend past the average setting and progression.

Hope this helps!