Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20181001004513/@comment-5733573-20181007141233

Always happy to review your stuff, Bob!

I really liked this from beginning to end. I'm noticing more and more that your work is tending toward a more subtle kind of horror and I think that's great. You're really good at that "atmosphere of unease" thing.

There are a couple of things I could criticize, but they're relatively minor. First, the commercial for the Vaults of Eternal Bliss seems just a little too long. Not a big deal, but it could probably be tightened a little. Secondly, correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like the real horror of this story comes from the idea that a trusting person could so easily be Shanghai'd in this way, right? If that's so, it might be a good idea to spend a little more time on Two's explanation of exactly how that was done. (Completely nit-picky note here, but would he say "Shanghai'd" or "press-ganged" given how current language trends are tending?  I don't know the answer, so it might be worth considering.)  The last thing I wanted to point out is that some sentences are structured in a way that makes them a little unclear at first. It would probably be worth it to take a look and see how you can condense or clarify. Specifically, these two:

"Joe had seen far too many co-workers go through chemo for space radiation-induced cancer." - Just seems like a lot of information for one sentence.

"You have been Shanghaied from that little love nest you thought you were getting all the way to Mother's factory on Titan." - The structure here was a little unclear. I had to read it a couple of times before I got it.

Honestly, Bob, this is yet another really strong story. It's definitely not an "in-yer-face" kind of horror tale, but that's definitely not a problem. I greatly enjoyed it and I hope to see it posted soon!