Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181024015838/@comment-35711173-20181024053211

L0CKED334,

Errors spotted:

"Being almost two, he had learned to form primitive sentences and almost all of them inquired about helping with the baby." This is awkward. A child forms simple sentences. It's not like they were antique ones. They also get better at them.

"She opted to ridge home with her mother and I was left to escort Jacob back."

Jacob was creepy and his homicide was legitimate horror. I think you can draw us in better and get far creepier.

Two years old is quite young to be able to get his sister into the tub. I remember what my kids could do when they were that age. Maybe yours could, I can't prove it. But it feels WAY young. At that age, we expect stupid and brainless actions from children. You would think the mother would still be watching him.

Suggestion: Jacob is trying to get rid of his sister but isn't physically up to the task. He may get himself hurt trying to kill her. Something really horrible would be like Jacob being hurt from a fall. It's only after when the parents discover that he is trying to put the Drano back into the high cabinet he got it from after mixing it in with Mary's formula. Mom had told him that stuff would kill you if you ate it while cleaning a clog, so he tries to get it fed to his sister. This shows complex logical thought.

Suggestion: There are no other signs of being a sociopath shown. It's very common for kids like that to abuse animals. A trail of mangled and dead small pets would be logical. Birds that chirp all the time, those annoying rodents that do nothing but poop and run around in their cage at night, etc.

Suggestion: Usually wives have a name. It may make the story more natural.

Suggestion: Find a copy of "The Bad Seed," preferably the 1956 version with Patty McCormack. It's 60+ year old black and white but it's got the creeps in spades.

Suggestion: The story feels detached from a place where it is happening, too detached. There are no winters or hot summers, no humidity, no fall leaves or spring flowers, nothing. Those little things would come into the story. What hospital, what police department, the feeling of the weather around the grave of Tyler, etc.

Suggestion: Carefully proofread it. You've got errors even Grammarly picks up.

Work through that. I'll be around for the next draft. If I could only get time to start writing my next story.

Dr. Bob