Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25008969-20140601024817/@comment-4832646-20140601033300

Your sentences are cutting off mid way and going to the next paragraph.

The entries seem cut off. You're leaving us at a point where we're thinking "Is something else supposed to be after that?"

I'm saying "You thought it was teenagers for kicks... and then what? What happened after that?", but instead, it carries into the next entry, the next day.

There's a couple grammar errors. You mistake "your" for "You're". Your is possessive. You're is "You are." There are also a ton of comma splices. No need to stick everything in one sentence.

The behavior in the second entry seems wrong. Most people would take that less like a prank and more like a threat, and know to look into it and/or call the police.

Generally, it's rushed. Really rushed. It needs more detail, better grammar, and more realism for suspension of disbelief. You don't even mention this college buddy at all whatsoever before the last entry. Just a sudden abrupt entrance. I literally said "What the fuck?" He needs an explanation before he gets in, mentioned somewhere.

And why didn't this person call the police after recieving his mother's severed head?

"Oh, I just got Mom's head in a box! I'm gonna let that slide, cause, you know, it's entirely normal to recieve a severed human head after getting a bunch of random notes from some dead guy from college."

Also, this seems far more actionable. There's no helplessness. No victimization. Doesn't seem like the guy's very creepy or scary if you can fight him and kill him.

This needs quite the bit of work before it can be accepted to the wiki.