Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26169026-20160129192530/@comment-26007602-20160129210228

I don't think this'll work as a standalone unless you really expand on it. It's a decent introduction, but there's no real creepy tension, and we don't know anything about the character other than she's being forced to marry, she wants to free, she wants to be an actress and apparently has fairly weak willpower. We don't know much about her personality, so it's hard to become empathetic for the character.

There's nothing too unique about it in this small form either; there are plenty of other vampire stories that start similarly (Person meets strangely alluring person that turns them into a vampire), but those stories expand upon the introduction. Unfortunately, due to the oversaturation of vampire stories in the market, a person being turned into a vampire on its own just isn't scary. There needs to be more leading up to it or coming after it to really deliver.

I can see this being a good story if you expand upon it, but in its current form, I don't see it working as a creepypasta. It just lacks sustenance, depth, and any real horror, for the short story it currently is.