Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160712171950/@comment-28420405-20160714161141

OK! Break in training! Here I am to help! Forgive me, as I didn't page through other people's responses, so I'm guessing the errors I point out have already been addressed, but here goes:

Repetition:

"A young woman dressed only in flimsy undergarments lay firmly strapped to the dentist chair, a humongous machine towering over it like an oversized praying mantis with too many spindly legs/Twelve spindly robotic arms hovered over the chair and it's occupant, giving the appearance of a gargantuan spider ready to ensnare its prey." - within a few paragraphs, you use the word "spindly" do describe the chair arms. I would maybe find a different word for at least one of these sentences.

"Who knew, perhaps the Host would allow Daniel to assist as a reward for his assistance." - assist and assistance too close together

Word Choice:

"Their host had set the lighting up perfectly to display the beauty and lethality of his priced tools" - I believe you meant "his (prized) tools"

"“I do require a new star next week. Having one delivered would be just....perfect hehehe.”' - here I would not add in the "hehehe" as you describe his laughter later. This kind of breaks the narrative feeling of the passage.

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Aside from what I pointed out above and a few of the errors I noticed while scrolling through the comments, I don't see much to correct.

I'm not sure how much the ending has been changed since your first draft, but I still feel like I want a little more. Not sure how the vampire motif fits with the torturing, but maybe that's just me. Neither vampires nor torture are really "up my alley", so maybe I'm missing something. I just feel like I need a little more connection between the Host's motives and him being a vampire.

To echo what Christian stated, I did enjoy the way you wrote the more gory parts. They were done well enough to give me a chill, but not over the top to seem cliché or make me stop reading.

I really like the voice you've given this story. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep up the good work, fellow female writer! :D