Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35515534-20190605053523/@comment-26444017-20190607203221

This second draft is still rough, but the biggest concern story-wise is that the narrator dies at the end, making it impossible for him to write this. There are a few ways around this, but the easiest is to write in third person instead of first.

The time jump is awkward, mainly because the whole thing is still so short. There's really not enough information to include a time skip like that, and even when there is, there are more elegant ways to show past events. As an example, "Tinkerbell brushed against my leg, letting out a quiet purr. I gave her a small scratch behind her ear. She was just as soft and cute as the day my parents got her. They snuck her into my room while I was sleeping, a surprise for my birthday a couple years back. They really caught me off guard; I loved her immediately."

Details of the event aren't enough on their own. You also need build-up. Some normal stuff and seeds of something wrong will go a long way toward making the climactic reveal hit that much harder.

A grammar once-over would help as well. If you're using a computer, Grammarly is free, and will catch most of the issues. If you're typing on your phone, you'll probably have to do it manually. I'd suggest using the 'preview' function before posting permanent changes so you can just read through, making sure everything looks and sounds right.