Talk:The Vegas Illusion/@comment-24077689-20140313165309

Not really a shock ending.

This is a decent story, I'm not terribly partial to this sort of ritual pasta. They're just so formulaic, they all basically are the same. This story isn't much different, it's not terribly special. The only thing that could have made this story more cliche is if it wasn't a ritual pasta and somebody was researching the hotel and disappearances for some term paper or such.

It's written decently, not very many errors, you keep the pace well enough. The plot is clear. The scene in which you're flying over the Vegas Strip reminds me of a scene in The Master and Margarita, when the devil turns her into a witch and in her naked freedom she flies over the Russian countryside. It's also clearly indicative of Hotel California and stories such as The Shining. And I dig all that. But outside of a few high points, this story is just so blah.

When I say blah, I mean, it's boring to read. I almost stopped reading in the first paragraph because you don't have a hook of any kind. It starts out almost exactly like every other ritual pasta. Let me lay out that formula for you:

You're doing x. While doing x you hear about something fantastical in the form of y. So you have to follow really specific instructions to participate in y. Then when you're doing y, you have another set of things that will happen that will cause some other turn of events. But don't worry because in the end HOLY SHIT SOMETHING ELSE IS HAPPENING, THERES SOME KIND OF CONSEQUENCE FOR DOING Y MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED DOING X. Oh yeah, and don't forget the hasty explanation for the fantastical bullshit that happened at the very end of the story.

I also find it trite that you use the name Mephisto. It's like you're trying to add legitimacy to your story because you're making a reference to Faust. Or possibly, to Marvel comics. It doesn't work. Just because you borrow the name Mephisto doesn't make this story any more deep, it doesn't make this story a morality tale, and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with reckless abandon of conscience in favor of great power. At this point your Mephisto isn't a character as much as he is an archetype, we know nothing about him other than that he was a magician and he was power mad.