Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29427110-20160805110521/@comment-28266772-20160805141402

As I gazed at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but shed a tear; I used to be quite the looker [so you need to drop the ‘as’ at the start, or replace the ‘and’ with an ‘I’]. I squeezed out a little of the pale liquid '[awkward phrasing. What pale liquid?] 'onto a finger and spread it around my eye. I pushed it into the corners to cover the dark oceanic blemishes left by the tyrant. I applied some blusher to my cheeks. And, then lipstick to cover the cracked lips. If you looked closely, you could even see the red outline of his fingers left around my neck.

I looked at the clock and my stomach fell; it was almost 5.35pm and time for his return.

The driveway was slippery as rain pelted the tarmac. I wore my favorite red dress, the one from our first date. The warmth of the radiator dried my lipstick and made me thirsty. '[So this is just three statements with no significant chronological order. There’s no sense of connective tissue. If you think about it, it makes more sense to pair the statements regarding the dress and lipstick in the first paragraph, and then pair the clock, time, and driveway statements together in one paragraph. That would at least organize the statements thematically.]'

I could see his car, on time as usual. '[see? It’s like what relation does this have with a fucking radiator and lipstick? It feels like it should flow on from the driveway comment] My heart sank, [you need something to connect these two clauses e.g. ‘and my’] 'fists clenched and tears entered my eyes. I had to clear them; he doesn’t like tears. “What have you got to be afraid of?” he would ask, just before he would hit me! I shook my hands and wiped my eyes.

The silver four-by-four entered the driveway. I removed the book from view. He left the vehicle, locked the door and turned to face the house. Suddenly a look of shock took over his face; his eyes screwed up and lips pulled down in both corners '[just state the expression – anything else is just too awkward. I read this and I think of Karl Urban’s Dredd face and I’m not sure that’s what you want me to think]'. He attempted to lift his right arm towards me. Before a word could leave his mouth he fell to the floor. [Your style is a bit stunted at times – these two clauses could be tucked together and connected with a ‘but’ and it would provide some flow and emphasise that the two are directly connected and follow on in chronological order]

I ran outside and knelt down beside him. His breath was warm on my thigh. Rain dripped over my forehead. I looked into his eyes. He tried to take my hand but flinched and I realized the pin had pricked his fingers. I moved the doll to the floor, took his hand and kissed it goodbye. [this is a cute twist but could use just a bit more clarity]



Him

-

The day started very much the same as any other day [repetition – get rid of ‘day’]; I woke, had a shower, got dressed in my favourite pin striped suit and drove to work. She was still asleep when I left. She was so beautiful; her red hair was as bright as the morning sun and her skin as soft as velvet.

On the drive home rain bounced off the windscreen as the wipers attempted to catch each individual droplet.

Something, deep down inside [you should clarify that he’s talking about himself i.e. deep down inside of me], knew that there was something different about today. I started to feel anxious and I panicked. My eyes left the road, for only a second. I returned my attention to the road just as my mind jerked me back. [this whole section feels awkward]

I hoped my wife was ok. [okay]

It was 5.33pm as I joined our road. [awkward phrasing – there must be an easier way to say he’s getting nearer his destination] My heart started racing and I began to panic again - my thoughts returned to the other night. [so this just feels like a repetition of the ‘panic section’ from above] We had argued. I found her in the garden, screaming and trying to gouge her own eyes out with a trowel. She had made quite a mess. Apparently “they” had told her to do it.

I turned onto the drive.

She was stood at the front window wearing the same red dress she had worn that night. I hated it! She bought it just before all this started. It was ‘devil’ red, her favourite shade of red [repetition – get rid of ‘of red’]– so she kept telling me. [not sure the last bit is even necessary]

<p class="MsoNormal">I exited the car and a sense of dread billowed over me. I lost all breath from my lungs. She smiled. I tried to reach out, but could not, and fell.

<p class="MsoNormal">I heard the front door open and foot steps [footsteps] softly moved towards me.

<p class="MsoNormal">The rain felt refreshing on my face. I managed to lift my right hand. I recoiled in pain as something sharp pierced the skin. [not sure, as this guy is dying, that anything would be ‘refreshing’ – cold perhaps?]

<p class="MsoNormal">I opened my eyes. The creature staring back at me was not in fact alive; a doll with black eyes dropped to the ground as she grabbed my hand. A pin protruded from its chest, crimson flowed from the wound. '[I appreciate the attempt at poetic imagery but man… just say ‘blood’ not ‘crimson’, and is it really a ‘creature’? Or would he not just say “there was a doll with black eyes”]'

<p class="MsoNormal">Everything went dark and there was no longer any pain.

<p class="MsoNormal">I smiled. Tear [tears] fell from my eyes. Her lips, soft and plush, brushed the back of my hand.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Tears

<p class="MsoNormal">---

<p class="MsoNormal">She was beautiful; [again the semicolon could just be replaced with a ‘with’] wavy red hair, blood red lipstick and silky smooth pale skin.

<p class="MsoNormal">I had been sat there for a while before she walked into the shop. I could not stop staring at her as she wondered around. She didn’t see me at first; I was kinda hidden at one side. I ached to meet her.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hi there”, she said, her voice golden. She looked at me with [a] curious gaze.

<p class="MsoNormal">I could only stare into her eyes. Instantly I knew I wanted her. She was shy and I knew straight away she liked me too.

<p class="MsoNormal">She paid at the till and we left the store. New Moons, the occult shop, disappeared as we rounded the corner. We drove back to her home, it didn’t take long and she spoke during the whole journey. I could hear a little glee in her voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">I wanted to speak but I was mesmerized by her stories. She explained where her husband worked and how happy they were. Told me about their wedding day and how excited she was that day. '[repetition of ‘day’ – try to be careful of this. You should avoid repeating words within a paragraph, let alone within one sentence]'

<p class="MsoNormal">I hated him immediately!

<p class="MsoNormal">We stepped into her foyer and walked passed [I’m not sure but I think that should be ‘past’ but again… I am not sure] the living room and into the kitchen. As she placed her shopping onto the side, she explained, “He won’t be long now, he will love you!”.

<p class="MsoNormal">He left for work the following morning. She finished her tea, got dressed and then left to find me. It didn’t take long; I was in the garden waiting already.

<p class="MsoNormal">In the following weeks we would perform the same ritual – talk all day, reminisce and dream of the future. One day we even did a spot of gardening together.

<p class="MsoNormal">Her husband would return from work each day and I would be gone.

<p class="MsoNormal">This day, however, did not follow the same path. She put her makeup on, as usual, [and] met me in the garden and we walked into her living room and just stood at the window. We did not speak.

<p class="MsoNormal">She held tight the book she had bought the day we first met. His car turned onto the driveway – same time as every other day. His door opened and he stepped out.

<p class="MsoNormal">It was then that I knew she was mine; I felt a coldness travelling through me as he fell to the ground outside.

<p class="MsoNormal">We went outside and knelt beside him. He tried to reach for me and flinched as his hand brushed the cold steel protruding from my chest. I fell to the floor, staring at him as she took his hand and kissed it goodbye.

<p class="MsoNormal">I rolled over. Crimson flowed from the wound. It had stained my label – “Tears -  servant of the spirits”.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Okay so overall –

<p class="MsoNormal">1) Mechanical issues -  I didn’t notice many misspelt words but you occasionally fail to connect clauses properly via missing conjunctions. This is obviously a consequence of your style—that I’ll go into in a bit—but you should still make sure that each sentence makes sense on their own. Many of your sentences are just lists of events separated only by commas.

<p class="MsoNormal">2) Stylistic issues – so your work over relies on clichéd imagery. Golden voices, moon coloured skin, rain spattered tarmac, crimson blood, bright red wavy hair, cracked lips, etc. etc. It reaches a point where it’d be nice to see some more original/novel imagery being injected into the events. For example your use of ‘oceanic bruises’ is clever, original and interesting. I’d like to see more descriptions like that, and less ‘flowing crimson’ and ‘silky smooth skin’. Worse still, you occasionally repeat your clichéd phrases which is kind of like rubbing salt in the wound.

<p class="MsoNormal">Next – your style relies on stunted short phrases. And this is mirrored in your short paragraphs. These feel unnecessary and limits the impact of even having short paragraphs. Short paragraphs only work when contrasted with long ones. No long ones, no contrast, no impact. The exact same lesson applies to your frequent use of short and stunted sentences. Short and stunted clauses suit a very matter-of-fact basic style of narration, comparable to someone recounting a traumatic experience while in shock. It’s not good for a story where the plot is romantic and chock full of emotions and emotional imagery. Your story’s content is romantic, your style is pragmatic. That dissonance doesn’t work. You just need to lengthen your sentences, bring your paragraphs together so they’re longer than just one or two lines, and put more effort into connecting your clauses with qualifying language such as ‘even, just, only, nearly, but, almost + adverbs, adjectives etc.’. Try to give your writing more texture. The only way to do this is to improve your vocabulary and the only way to do that is to read good writing.

<p class="MsoNormal">3) Story issues – so your idea is original and interesting. But it lacks clarity. There are three actors in your story and one setting. You need to put those four things up front and centre instead of trying to just hide the doll in the hopes of throwing the audience. Establish the setting and use the opportunity to create mood and tension, and establish the actors. I can think of a couple of ways you can have the doll present from the start without drawing attention to it – but you can not introduce an actor at the moment they become integral to the plot. It feels conceited. What I’m saying is – don’t introduce a gun the same scene where it’s first fired, don’t introduce a villain in the same scene they die, and don’t introduce a doll in the same scene where you reveal it’s a killer/sentient doll. Introduce the doll at the start, pull people into the ‘domestic abuse’ false plotline and then when you reveal that there’s more to the doll--which they will have forgotten about--they’ll feel like they’ve experienced a real twist and not just experienced something that makes no sense.

<p class="MsoNormal">Oh and yeah that 'tears - servant of the spirits' thing just feels cheesy. Reads like the sort of name you'd see at a small town 'battle of the bands'.

<p class="MsoNormal">So yeah... overall I liked this story, it’s very original and warrants another draft. I think you’ve gone for an ambitious story with an ambitious structure, it just needs a bit more work.

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