Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36960218-20180920154831/@comment-36393004-20180920173055

1. They usually refer to officers by their last name, not first. 2. The second line appears as if you are trying to set a scene but are telling it instead of writing out a description that shows us where we are. And the neighbors would not know the computer was creating a strobe effect without going inside and I have a hard time believing they would unless they were familiar with the resident. People just don't do that. 3. It would not require the use of three teams to search three simple files on a computer. One tech could do this work and the description of the whole process is clunky. Team one said the audio was corrupted but they were not even examining that file, team two was. 4. Don't capitalize whole word in an attempt to draw out dramatic effect, it's annoying and doesn't work. Example: "MEGA". 5. He opened the file, saw the image, and shot himself. That doesn't sound interesting at all, but that's pretty much what you wrote. Then they just dropped the case? I guess they are pretty superstition in this town you have placed us in, most cops would still be investigating, assuming it was not related to the computer at all. You know after they cleaned up their partner's remains. 6. Don't jump ahead just to give us a news report that doesn't sound realistic at all then jump again(within the same segment) to a first person account of dying. It gives the reader whiplash. 7. Good idea, very poor execution, and needs dressing up a lot. You have to lead the reader in, not shove information down their throat.