Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27905100-20160505171337/@comment-27838637-20160510125641

Got some time to review so I'll be 100% honest with you.

(I am only bringing up things that other people have not)

This story has alot of potential, but I think what you have written is a bit lackluster.

Don't get me wrong, the story you have written here is pretty good! I just think it could be much more than it is right now, and judging by this story and your past stories, you have the potential to make it so much better.

I know that the point of this story is to be a 'micropasta', but I think that if you were to lengthen the story by a few paragraphs, it would greatly enhance the quality. The idea you have would be better suited to around 1000 words. The 420 you have doesn't do it justice.

I think you should further explain the history of the protagonists sightnings of, and experiences with, these 'shadow-men'. It seems a little silly that the main character would be suffering from these sightings and not seek help, especially when it is leading to his suicide. It would be much better if you were to make the visions be a part of a unique condition (much like your own with the illusions). It would then make sense for him to question whether or not the shadow men are real or a figment of his imagination (perhaps they can be both?).

I have to say I don't like the ending. Extending the story would allow for more buildup and tension to occur which will in turn allow for a stronger conclusion. Personally, I think it would be a great idea to have the protagonist commit suicide by a drug overdose, and as his life fades away the faces of the shadow men become clearer, and the last lines he could be wishing he didn't OD (just a wild idea I made up on the spot but maybe it is a good idea or source of inspiration). I will agree with what Jake888 said and encourage you to remove the possibility of the reader becoming a target of the shadow men. This takes away from the immersion of the story as it comes off as implausible.

The description of the shadow men could also be alot darker and more, well, descriptive. Elements such as the mouth seem tacked on and I think they come across as more cliche than scary (the Shadow Men's eyes are good, but the rest of their description could be vastly improved). On the contrary, leaving it more vague could also be an option, as it leaves the reader to speculate on what they may think the shadow men look like (which will be more frightening than a given description, if done correctly).

You have a solid basis for a good story, and to be honest a little refining and rewording may make it 'good enough', but I think it has much more potential.

Either way I hope to see a finished product!

A_O.