Talk:The Dark People/@comment-5733573-20180705153755

This needs work, unfortunately. For one thing, it's a bit flat. The description you've included is good, but you've missed lots of opportunities for more. Description and dialogue would make this come to life and feel a lot less rushed. For instance, you have the following passage:

- I asked him what was wrong, and Daniel said the Dark People killed his mother. We rushed to the scene, and I had to leave to be sick.

This would be so much stronger and seem a lot less laughably ridiculous if you used dialogue and sensory description to paint out this moment. Yes, it takes a lot more time and effort, but your story would be much stronger for it.

In addition, the ending is not only anticlimatic, but silly. It would be much stronger if the narrator actually witnessed an attack by the Dark People. And, honestly, the final sentence is childish and undercuts the effectiveness of the entire story.

I would take this one back to the drawing board because the idea isn't bad and, honestly, there's a lot of scare potential here. It's just not being fully exercised at the moment.