User:Alstinson/My Critiques

Introduction
I decided to make a place for my Critiques on this site. Not sure if you can comment, but enjoy!

In the process of uploading old ones, and making new ones.

Mark Nowell's Account
The title has the words, "No Well" in it, I swear the story is mocking me! Or at least doing my work for me. But let's not judge a story by it's title, let's review Mark No-Well's Account.

Let me make something clear, I am not impressed with Journal Entry Pastas. I think that if done right they can be good, but the majority I've read as an avid reader, has me underwhelmed. It seems like an excuse to heighten immersion among lazy writers.

This had to have happen! This was written as a personal journal! I'm so frightening and realistic!

With subtlety and proper build up, a good story can come of this, but with this kind of writing it just proves it's being used as an EXCUSE! Found Footage is only entertaining when the Writing and Filmogrophy is actually subtle and creative. If your product is poor and over dramatic, with clumsy timing and execution, then it doesn't matter what the genre is. A supposed real footage discovery won't save you, and neither will calling it a recovered journal!

Admittedly the story is told pretty well in the beginning. Believable circumstances, fluid storytelling and actually seemed like a journal because it documented realistic, mundane events. So early on, I did have a little hope for the story and felt it a little promising.

But as it progressed I saw what was in store. All that beginning creativity meant nothing, it was just a ploy to tell a cheap story.

I found the deer thing questionable, but thought if built up properly it could be okay, which it was not. All the bizarre story telling is CLUMSY and STUPID.

The build up doesn't make sense from here. At one point they hear something crash through the ice and drown. Huh? Guess that was Ben. I shouldn't have made that joke. The wife goes missing as does the plot, and the climax is just thrown together.

Really, I could say I don't want to spoil it, but you can just IMAGINE what the monster could be like, and your ending would be just as good! But whatever you come up with would be better than this. Because the monster is...

A DEMONIC DEER WITH FOUR EYES. That's right. A demonic deer. With four eyes. So Trigon has pet deer? It seems like the twist in the story is finding out that the deer from earlier wasn't a normal deer at all. But the story has the nerve to linger on and end on a stupid guess. To quote Blogger Beware,

The Twist Is, He turned into a deer or something.

I don't think just because a story uses the Journal method it's automatically bad, honestly it's an interesting way to use the found footage style. But don't use these STUPID CLICHES that we've seen time and again. The story was rushed, stupid and underwhelming. The writing was dull and the reveal was boring and drawn out. 4/10

Why He Weeps
I was too nice. Let me, re-review it. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring! FUCKIING BORING!

I'm sorry! What did I see, before? Yeah, neat twist with the Jesus statue, but c'mon!

The story had little to nothing in it, very bland and very confusing. It has potential of being a story, but the writer was scared to use it.

Maybe the fear is that a story COULD happen?

Shivers!

In the end, it's not only not worthy of pasta of the month, it's not worthy of much attention, at all! I was too nice. It wants to tell a story, but merely skips around concepts, and I HATE stories that do that. If you want to tell a story...

Tell. A. Story.

I give it 2/10 for having SOME potenital, but not using it is STILL a MAXIMUM FAIL!

And THAT... is the real reason Why He Weeps...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR3jnW2kcUs

What They're Not Telling You about YouTube
The REAL ALSTINSON, here. I didn't like this story. Too much propoganda against Google. Now, that isn't to say I, the REAL ALSTINSON praise Google, but it is just a cheap hit at a decent company.

I like many users I've studied, er, seen, disrespect the Google company's choices and updates. I had lots of stories archived over the years in the email services and similair story concept files. A lot of work... gone. But, I'm feeling sorry for myself. No more of tha, sob sob sob! C'mon, AJ! You're a man! :)



>:'(

A MAN WHO LOST YEARS OF WORK!

But beyond my cries, I mean, my disagreements with Google, this story does seem to depend on bashing the company for popularity. Now, don't get me wrong, it was REALLY creative the

way you did this. I honestly found this up there with the kind of creative celebrity gosip that is featured on THE South Park. While it isn't the most fun I had with Creepypastas, I applaud the

creativity and had fun reading it all the same.

BUT The REAL ALSTINSON finds it too disrespectful as a whole, and features too much hate for a specific target. 6/10

Woman in the Window
Yeah you know this isn't going to end well-but hey this stories outcome prepared you for that!

Onto the review.

I like the concept of being haunted by strange forces, and some of the build up was okay in this one, but overall this was a very silly story. It's not only senselessly brutal, but it's just... itself.

The ghost just does what it does without any rhyme or reason.

Also in the end was that really the villains plan, to have him take his own life? Really?

I remember when I used to be disturbed by that ending. Notice "used". It's a damned cliche!

And I take it back, the writing is "good" in the sense that it's descriptive, it really just veers in unpredictable turns as if it's unsure of it's destination.

All in all, a dumb suicide note, a dumber story. 4/10

The Walls Have Ears
Very creepy, and ingenious! You were clearly inspired by the saying, and this is a GREAT representation of it!

You've blended realism with surrealism perfectly, and the perspective is almost believable, especially in the childhood setting.

While not all is understood, this is one of the stories that doesn't have to, it's playing with the unknown.

An incredible micropasta. 10/10

Starvation
Discount Necrosleep.

I know you only had a DAY to write this, but I'll be frank, it IS half bad. Actually, it's over half bad.

The story's patterns are too similar to Necrosleep, but with different circumstances. There are statements out of place.

Do you have the time? Yeah, let me check my watch... it's BULLSHIT 0' Clock! A CLOCK can't tell you how many times in DAYS has passed. What? Was it tuned to Calendar Radio?

"Welcome to Calendar RADIO, your spot for how many days it's been, since you checked! Here's Jimmy Duffet's It's Always Bullshit 0' Clock Somewhere!"

While some of the story is engaging and enjoyable, along with before mentioned flaws, it is bland and forgettable. What?! Was this written in a day?!

(shifts eyes) Well, I say you lose this contest! Ha! (shifts eyes) Oh yeah, I-I'm not a judge, I'm a critic...

Arg! 4/10 No one asks me  to be a judge, anymore! (stomps out of room and cries)

The Bagpipe Tune
Who's been taking drugs?

It's trying to be a complex story, and it is, BUT its too complex. Its out there, it really is! Even when you comprehend it, it's still a mindfuck story. Refer to my previous comment. I will give it artistic merit, but a lot of my enjoyment comes from laughing at the story and calling it a weirdo. Even with all that said, it's not all THAT special! 5/10

The Cell Phone Game
Note: This critique was made before the sequel.

Now, when I first read this pasta, I honestly thought it was not only well written and original, but revolutionizing the Ritual Pasta genre. A different kind of Game Pasta. Reading it again, I have to go back on my former opinions. Now, I believe the writer could produce something really good, original too, but this isn't it. It's tedious, the characters are either bland or cold, and the story is kind of drawn out. There seem to be a lot of plot left out, like how to play the game, what the tasks mentioned, were. I don't feel like it let you in on everything, and it doesn't seem like it's entirely sure either. It focuses too much on the characters's consequences, and too little on important details. It seems like it was written in one setting, with some effort and creative ideas, but too rushed all the same. I give The Cellphone Game a 5/10 for having bad writing, but creative ideas.

Soulless
What a stress inducing read. Still, I found some of it creative, and some incredibly stupid. I think the clown is a mixture of Pennywise and the Library Policeman. Regardless it only adds to the concept, and is ridiculous and fracturing to the story, overall. Any kind of demon would have been a better antagonist. The beginning alone was better, and THAT was stress inducing. 4/10

Zing
Science pasta my left le...! sorry.

It wants to be a mindfuck story (pardo may wah my French), but it is rushed and left too much out, I think. It seems to have some creative ideas, and the writing is decent, but it becomes more confusing than anything. It is hard to process an identity, and in my eyes that means there IS NO STORY. I give you a 2/10 for before mentioned pros, and OBVIOUS cons.

So, your a Con Artist, get it?

The Grifter
This is... nothing. I can't even react to this. You have to have literally ZERO effort to do that. Not disturbed, not intrigued, not entertained, not-anything. It's a little confusing, but not in a way where I'd like to learn more. It just makes a forgettable experience head scratching. I don't see the appeal, it's not only overrated, it's seriously nothing. Like a movie Dr. Forrester would make Joel and the Bots watch. The video was just a cheap way to cash in on the efforts of Marble Hornets, and added a few stupid screamers. It was a very MEH story, I can't even call it an experience, as mean as I am to other stories, I considered MOST of them experiences. Very poor writing here, and it's a story that I don't think has a purpose other than TRY to be deep, but doesn't even understand itself. Any fan explanation is just a STRETCH of an explanation. And you CAN'T say the attachment offers anything, unlike The Wanderer and Smile.jpg, this doesn't. I don't like screamers because their appalling, but DANEBOE can make screamers. In the end I offer this nothing, because it offered me nothing. 0/10

Maybe you were trying to be artsy like Tarsem... Ask me what it means Ask me what it means OOOH HOOO

Dark Reflection Ritual
It's an interesting take on rituals and mirror mythology. I wonder if you can tie it's logic to Bloody Mary, e.g. all of Mary's evil coming out on three. Everyone's laughing at me at this point, no one cares about my input. :(

Onto the review.

I like how it's written, and I do like some of it's ideas, but the thing, for me, is that I'm so used to mirror mythology. Not to say that this wasn't well written, hell it was thought provoking, but I think that these tales have been told for so long. Tales of mirrors are the Cinderella of ritual stories I'm sorry to say. It's not that the story wasn't told well, it's that it's a tired story. I give you above failure because there was well writing and creativity. 6/10

They're Coming For Me
I wanted to hate this troll bait story, but the twist caught me off guard. It is nothing special in and of itself, but it is hinted uniquely so I give it points for that.

I read it fast and found myself laughing through it. It seems to be aware of this, and kinda plays with that. It wants to be every, "They're coming to get you Barbara" story, but it's so blatantly calmly and effortlessly told.

I like this one, but as a trollpasta. It's a horrible Creepypasta!

5/10

Alternate 21328
An amazing perspective of the story! It's as if all the plotholes of The Cell Phone Game were leading up to this. I won't write this off as the best CP ever, or anything, but it was such a great read, and much better than the original, and it knows it is.

Now, obviously, with the flaws and inconsistencies of the first one, the way Rottenbacher details it as "Jacks no-nothing perspective", is interesting, and true to the contrast of this one to the previous.

I like how their finally going in depth of the game, and while we understand more, we don't understand everything. This will make readers want to stick around for future swquels, if they can keep this quality.

I hope this gets more attention, because now the grand storytelling of The Cell Phone Game deserves to be told, and I look forward to the continuation. It's RARE, that a sequel to an unimpressive product will not only shock you with it's quality, but get you into the franchise!

While personally not my favorite pasta, it deserves recognition. 7/10

The Wanderer
It's Mrs. Slenderman. Ha Ha Ha! Anyway... It's one of those threatening urban legends, and it will kill you if you check out the attachment. The interactive stories are always a touch more interesting, and the legend is told pretty well. I think it might be related to Smile.jpg Maybe the jerky sister? 7/10 The classic days, fun, if not a bit too mean/much for impressionable readers.

Barbie.avi
Note: I made this Critique before better understanding the story.

A confusing story that, might understand itself but won't fill us in. It's well written, and I like it's ideas but I give it a 6/10 because it leaves a touch too much out. Also the jumping out the window thing gave it a cartoon vibe. Did he turn into Daffy Duck there?

Standing in the Rain
Wow. The grammatical errors are really annoying and need to be handled before publication. I mean, it makes it hard to read.
 * Facepalm.

Language Arts 101:  Periods are used to take proper pauses. Without proper pauses, BUILDUP can't take effect, and the rush of reading ruins the effect!

The story has some neat aspects, but it feels too rushed to. While you had a neat Ghost Story envisioned, the execution (no pun inten- no wait, that was funny! I intend it!) is terrible and makes the read tedious.

If not for being finished, it would have less points. 4/10

WHO WAS PHONE?
Ahem. This is the best Creepypasta I read on here. The amount of story and effort + extra grammar efffort makes it AWE inspiring, and something that holds SO MUCH subtlety, I'm at a loss for words...

The teenagers are relatable because they love each other, one WOULD find themselves IN THIS SCENARIO! The build up of the antagonizing father character creates tension, and REALLY has you wondering how YOU'D feel.

The drop off though REALLY makes the story. It amplififies the dread of this situation, by adding pure TERROR. Honestly guys, this has me seriously frightened!

I think this story's twist is redefining horror, pushing what we were limited with before. It will terrify AND surprise you. So if you don't go catatonic, your in for a treat! 1000/10

The Russian Sleep Experiment
vЯ считаю, это один неприятно, потому что я не поклонник кровью и валовые вне. Однако он имеет хорошее письмо и интересные концепции. Хотя я не его лично, я даю кредит, где кредит должен. Тем не менее, хотя я не могу наслаждаться брутальности я признаю, что установка и сюжет создан подразумевает валовое содержание. Хотя я не люблю его, я только дать ему неудачу из-за моего личного отвращения. 5/10