Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20180206062846/@comment-25941663-20180208182923

First of all, I will point out this had some grammatical/technical issues, which is understandable given this is a draft. Here are some of the mistakes I found:

"he found a place that seem worthy of his money" - I think it is 'seemed'.

"Dead chickens hung upside on a rope that went from wall to wall." - Did you mean 'upside-down'?

"This cause Jones to laugh again." - You missed a 'd' on 'cause**d**'.

"She smiled grew slighty" - I think you meant to say "Her smiled grew slightly".

"so be cautious.” Jones said as" - That period should be a comma.

"and thanks Papa Legba" - It should be 'thanked'.

"Mike like the sound of that" - A 'd' is missing on 'like**d**'.

"but I looked into myself" - I think there is an 'it' missing between 'into' and 'myself'.

---

Now, onward to reviewing the story. To be honest, I didn't like it as a creepypasta. That is because you went in a quite different, meta direction. The main character is the guy who plagiarized creepypastas, Mike Nemmeth, I think? The fedora was a bit too much and gave it away, haha.

It was more of a fun read and was not creepy, which is understandable given the topic. But it just doesn't have enough to make it a good horror story. There was no suspense, no horror and nothing creepy. Also, since the character is based on a very much disliked real-life person, there is no way to relate to him either. So, as a horror story I'm afraid this does not work without a pretty much complete rewrite.

Also, since you deal with a quite esoteric, "inside-joke" topic, you alienate pretty much all your readers, since they are not in on the joke, while the length of the story makes it a bit of a chore to read through for the readers who did realize who the main character is.

If you are going for the meta/fun read, I suggest you shorten it. If you go for the horror route, I am afraid you will have to do a re-write.