Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26990009-20190501035514/@comment-28266772-20190501085827

Hey, while spinoffs are blacklisted it's still fine to work on blacklisted topics on the spinpasta. Also, since the appeal exists it's quite reasonable that someone would want to try a WIP spinoff story here before trying the appeal. If anything, I'd encourage people workshop their ideas before trying to get them past the appeal. That way everyone has the best chance at a high quality story being submitted.

LionPrince, I've done a quick annotation. My overall advice is stop using redundant wording (very large nintendo fanatic), stop using filler words (then, actually, about), use leaner, simpler language (examples below), and show us what's happening, (Michaels stutters <- that's good), don't tell us (trying to hold back a breakdown <- that's bad).

The following is full of previously classified information about an individual by the name of Peter Michaels. '[don’t tell us what’s in the story. That’s what the story is for. Just start the story “Peter Michaels was in his…”] The subject was in his mid-twenties and was a very large Nintendo fanatic [redundant: do you get medium Nintendo fanatics? Just say “Nintendo fanatic”] before the events he described [what events? Offer a summary] 'took place. What our search team found before writing this document was   [Our search team found a…] a voice recorder with the title Sonic2.mp3 on the label. After reviewing the contents, it was found out that it, in fact, was [contained] the last recorded words between Michaels and his therapist  after the disappearance of the professional and suicide of Peter Michaels a week after the recording was made. '[This makes no sense. Are the words recorded after Peter kills himself? Or do you mean to say the recording was found after he killed himself?]'

The subject talks about '[if you’re going for official document then “talks about” doesn’t fit. “discusses” works better] buying a game cartridge at the most [a] 'popular flea market in his hometown. This cartridge was confirmed to have the same hardware as legitimate Sonic video game copies ; however when researching the topic of what was different from the real games, our team came up empty [<- incomprehensible]. Michaels goes on to discuss about the sticker being torn and dulled in color, as if it was used way too often to work correctly [from overuse]. He then begins talking  [talks] about the title screen of the game having [game, describing…] a very depressing color scheme with dark, unsaturated colors and [this needs breaking up] a rainy sky with a rusted Sonic the Hedgehog title icon in the midst of it all. He then [as a rule of thumb, don’t use ‘then’ more than once a paragraph] proceeds to stumble over his words. It is speculated that Michaels was trying to hold back a breakdown from reliving the hardships he faced with this cartridge. He [is] eventually is able to pull himself together and discuss with his therapist about what happened with the cartridge.