Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160712171950

So, this is my first time attempting to write a Creepypasta. It will not be perfect, but with your help I hope to get it closer to good than not good. As all stories posted here (probably) I am looking for constructive criticism on the story itself (even if it means restructuring it completely), as well as grammar (English is not my first language).

I hope you have fun reading at the very least!

-- [12:59:55] [12:59:56] [12:59:57] [12:59:58] [12:59:59] [01:00:00]

As the time rolled over to 1am in the morning on the digital clock, the offline indicator on the monitor jumped over to 'online' and the dark video feed flickered to live. The chat box popped-up and was instantly swamped with messages. Cheers of joy and outbursts of glee and anticipation scrolled by at blinding speed in all-caps. Daniel eagerly joined in on the chatspam, his face split in an ear to ear grin.

L33tZ0rs: FINALLY! bL00dyM@ry: AWYEAAAH HERE WE GO! J3ffYtK: GO GO GO GO GO! W@tchingU: THE SUSPENSE IS FUCKING KILLING ME HERE! TheB!G0ne: !!!!Looking to get all the ladies but have nothing to show? Real, working p3n!s enlargements and performance enhancements can be found here [link filtered] Trust me it works! I tried it and have a new girlfriend every day and night!!!!! --System notice--: [system namechange user: TheB!G0ne to TinyMolerat] --System notice--: [advertisement detected. Keep your mini-rat in your own pants TinyMolerat. Warning 1 out of 2. Next strike will result in ban.] ShadowLurker: RIGHT ON THE FUCKING DOT AGAIN MAN! YOU'RE THE BEST! TinyMolerat: !!!!Looking to get all the ladies but have nothing to show? Real, working p3n!s enlargements and performance enhancements can be found here [link filtered] Trust me it works! I tried it and have a new girlfriend every day and night!!!!! --System notice--: [advertisement detected. TinyMolerat has been banned for waving his little D around.]

The chat erupted in laughter and bot related taunts and jokes until a soft chuckle sounded through the video feed. Daniel inched himself to the edge of his chair when the man began to speak.

"It would seem I need to update my little filters again. Somehow, at least one of the crawling little roaches managed to squeeze its way through my system." Amusement tinted the man's charismatic voice. He had the practiced voiced of a public speaker. More than once Daniel had wondered about the identity of The GraciousHost. The man never showed any part of himself on camera.

"For now though, server IP has been tracked down. Any one of you feeling like having a little fun causing hell with that bot, go at it." The IP-address popped up in the chat. That server would soon receive all manner of worms and firewalls warnings, Daniel knew. The vast majority in the chat were rather experienced hackers and many would find quite a bit of enjoyment in terrorizing advertisement bots. An idea sparked in his mind and his thin fingers danced over the keyboard.

ShadowLurker: You sure you're not just letting one slip in every now and then oh GraciousHost, just to watch us tear it apart?

To his delight, the streamer picked up on the message. "Oh you wound me, Shadow. Do you think me some kind of monster?! Exposing my poor innocent viewers, especially those that return every single stream, to something as horrendous as advertisements? Never." Daniel's heart felt like it would leap straight out of his chest. His fingers instantly danced excitedly over the keys again.

ShadowLurker: Welp, that's it for me guys. Senpai noticed me.

The corny, and frankly overused, joke earned him some groans in the chat. The streamer ignored it as he continued speaking.

"What I do expose you to however, is your weekly entertainment in glorious, unobstructed HD video and sound quality! I am your host, GraciousHost, here again this week to bring you the best of the best. I would like to welcome all newcomers and give a hearty welcome back to all returning viewers. Please remember to pitch in with donations if you want to have a say in the poll and to ensure no molerats go without their own nighttime entertainment." Daniel noted that the bitcoin donation counter went up by several hundreds of dollars worth of coins. Feeling generous, he pitched in with some of his own.

"And now, without further ado, let’s see what we have here tonight!" A switch was flicked off-screen and the scene in front of the camera lit up under the light of several white spotlights. A chair reminiscent of a dentist's chair stood at the very center, a humongous machine towering over and behind it. A young woman dressed only in flimsy undergarments lay firmly strapped to the chair. With wide eyes of terror she stared at the camera and the Host. Twelve robotic arms hovered over the chair and it's occupant, each arm ending in a different tool. As though on cue, every tool swiveled and activated for a brief moment. The circular saw whirled, the industrial sized scissors snipped at the air, the blowtorch spat out its bright blue flames, and on and on it went. The camera slowly panned over every tool, giving them their own moment to shine before the show itself. Once again the chat erupted with joy, shouting out their little nicknames for each individual tool as it came by and begging GraciousHost to use their favorite this time. Eventually the camera settled on the woman's face. Though pale and sleep deprived Daniel noted that she was rather pretty. Especially with that wide-eyed, terror stricken face. Her beautiful brown eyes gleamed with unshed tears. Her brown curly hair lay in a tangled mess about her, matted with the cold sweat that freely trickled from her forehead. Her lovely full lips were covered with clear tape, keeping her from spitting out the gag. His pants were becoming uncomfortably tight.

Slowly, the camera zoomed out to show the machine and chair in one shot again. "Meet the lovely Wendy, our shining star for tonight. 24 years old and in the prime of her life! She studied something or another at a local university, and had a little too much fun on the internets on one of her days off. She poked around where a delicate little flower like her should never wander, and now she finds herself right here." Wendy struggled in her bonds, trying desperately to pull her limbs free. "Curiosity killed the cat, and I am here fulfill the very important task of ensuring that that saying remains true. NOW!" GraciousHost snapped his fingers and the videofeed switched from the camera to a spreadsheet with twelve options. "It is time to select the tools of the craft! As usual, last week's tool is not available this time to keep things fresh. That means no votes for the knife, people. If all my lovely donators would please select the instrument for tonight's show."

The poll popped up on Daniel's screen. Every tool had a small description on how it was used along with an estimated show time. GraciousHost was brilliantly skilled with the remotely controlled machine but the human body could only withstand so much. After some consideration, he selected the blowtorch. He could already imagine the sweet, sweet sound of her cries and he wanted it to last. To his glee, others had a similar idea. The torch was by far the most popular. GraciousHost let out a dark chuckle as voting came to an end.

"I see you guys are ready to kick back for a long show tonight. The torch it is!" The machine whirred softly, and 11 arms retracted to only leave the softly burning torch hovering over the woman. The feed switched again, this time to the small camera mounted on the machine's arm that operated the torch. Daniel almost held his breath in anticipation. This was what he loved most about this stream. No human interference once the show started. Everything was remote controlled and the camera was mounted straight on top of the tool to allow close-up views of everything. The first thing to go was the tape on the woman's mouth. The hot flame of the blowtorch melted it away. Her sweet screams were everything that he'd hoped them to be. Daniel let himself get wrapped up in the thrill of watching the woman writhe and squirm as her skin was assaulted time and again by the machine.

<p class="MsoNormal">He was almost ready to lose himself at the sight of her red scorched skin beginning to blister away when he spotted something in the chat.

<p class="MsoNormal">Anony916: This is fucking disgusting! How can anyone watch this? Anony916: You're all monsters! You're all just watching that girl die and you're ENJOYING it?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Daniel froze in his seat and glared at the chat box. Just what he needed, a white knight coming in to crash on his party. Talk about a turn-off. Fury washed over him and he grabbed his keyboard.

<p class="MsoNormal">ShadowLurker: Take your preaching somewhere else asshat.

<p class="MsoNormal">Other chatters chimed in similarly, taunting and in several cases threatening the anonymous viewer.

<p class="MsoNormal">J3ffYtK: This is the big boy net kid. Go to sleep before your mommy finds you! W@tchingU: You better keep your trap shut and leave quietly or we're going to have a few words for you. bL00dyM@ry: Words? Hah, I'd give him a one way ticket to our GraciousHost! Watch him preach then!

<p class="MsoNormal">The taunts put the user on the defensive, and he reacted accordingly. Daniel's eyes narrowed as he started at the text.

<p class="MsoNormal">Anony916: Fuck you assholes, I'm calling the cops. --System notice--: [System protections lifted from user: Anony916 for misconduct.] --System notice--: [Attempt to disconnect by Anony916 detected and denied.] --System notice--: [Security protocols initiated. Securing data and rerouting new connections.]

<p class="MsoNormal">All hell immediately broke loose. Daniel was sure he could hear the Host chuckle in an amused manner as the torrent of hate continued. The users laughed at Anony916, and the threats poured in with much more malice now. Daniel's own words joined in the tirade. Within minutes, there was a eureka in the chat. An image file popped up with a name. The image was a little grainy due to poor lighting and webcam quality, but Alex Smith's face was still very visible with its dirty blond spiked hair and gray eyes as it stared in horror at the device. One more image followed, this time showing only a desk chair. Shortly after Anony916 vanished from the user list.

<p class="MsoNormal">L33tZ0rs: Aw man, I think he unplugged his computer. Crawler: Doesn't matter. Got his name and IP. Idiot only had one bounce in it. Childsplay. Digging up his address now.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Feel free to share it with us when you have it," GraciousHost's voice came purring through the videofeed. "I do require a new star next week. Having one delivered would be just....perfect hehehe." His voice trailed off in soft, cruel laughter. The sound made a chill travel down Daniel's spine. "The system left a mark on the little crasher's computer. Just turn it on and it will notify me."

<p class="MsoNormal">The hacker was more than happy to oblige. It took him mere minutes to narrow down the possibilities, first to 5, then 3 and finally only one full name and adress remained. Daniel stared at the adress and felt an elated grin creep back on his face. That was in the next town over. His gaze returned to the video still displaying the slow mutilation of the young woman. In his mind's eye he could already see that little brat there on the chair. Who knew, perhaps the Host would allow Daniel to assist as a reward for his assistance. Yes...Yes, he was going to do this! As the woman breathed out her last breath and lay still, he got up and grabbed all he thought he would need. Gloves, his trusty crowbar, rope, ductape, and his car keys. Stuffing everything in a bag, he left his apartment behind. The grin hadn't left his face the entire time. --

<p class="MsoNormal">It was strange, Alex mused, how one's brain responded to fear. In small amounts it gave a burst of adrenaline. In large, continuous amounts it simply numbed the brain. Even if he hadn't been bound and gagged, he was sure that he couldn't bring himself to move or even utter a sound. Not anymore. The situation was hopeless. He was going to die a slow and painful death for the entertainment of others, just like that young woman. The stench of her burned hair and skin filled his nostrils and the basement around him. Alex listlessly lifted his head as his tormentor spoke in the small microphone clipped to his shirt.

<p class="MsoNormal">"And with that dear viewers, I bid you all farewell. Despite that little bout of interference we had, I do hope that you all enjoyed yourselves." He dropped his voice to a conspiratory whisper. "I know I sure did." The man let out that vicious, bone chilling chuckle again. Alex could practically feel the blood freeze in his veins. Involuntarily he started to quiver in his seat again. "I sincerely hope to see each one of you again next week. You don't want to miss it. This was GraciousHost, signing off!" The Host calmly moved about between the three different computers he had set up, killing the router first before taking meticulous care of ending the various programs running on the computers. Once his machines were secured, he turned around and casually sauntered over toward Alex. He passed carelessly in front of the still recording camera as he walked, though the desktop hooked up to the device only continued to show the chair, corpse, and machine.

<p class="MsoNormal">"And how did my special guest enjoy tonight's show?" GraciousHost mocked, crouching down to meet Alex' eyes. His fingers played with the picture he’d taken days earlier and had hung in front of the webcam. "Certainly a lot better in person, no?" Alex instinctively tried to shrink away in the chair. "By the way, I believe I haven't thanked you yet have I?" Cold fingers gently brushed over the young man's cheek. "I am ever so grateful you delivered yourself straight to me after the last showing and then even granted me use of your wonderful basement. I know I have been a very poor guest but you needn't worry. It won't be long now." GraciousHost's smirk grew wide, a pair of vicious fangs glinting in the white light. "Our next host is on the way, and next week I will make you a star." Sharp fangs dug their way into Alex' neck. Seconds slowly ticked by as the young man felt himself weaken even further. The sound of a door being forced above them made GraciousHost pull back, a cruel grin on his face. "And here he is." Silent as a shadow the creature left the basement. Before the door closed behind him, the barely conscious Alex heard him utter one last sentence; "I fucking love the internet." <ac_metadata title="Gracious Host (unreviewed and first timer)"> </ac_metadata>