Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20180819032430/@comment-9041013-20180820115035

RedNovaTyrant wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote: I think the idea is lovely but you just tell way too much for the topic to work on this site, for me. Mass Shootings are awfully common so we're kind of desentized to the issue. It's not making us feel as bad as it should.

So here's my proposal, Instead of telling us how he goes from house to house shooting people use some metaphor. For example him calling his pistol his Conductor's baton. You cut off there, and then go on to show how he's going around the avenue playing his magnificent symphony, you could throw in a hint of him killing people by describing him describing his music in colors, shades of red specifically.

Just go about and display him having fun pretending to be a Maestro, that would make sense, because he was slowly breaking down anyway.

Either that or paint him as painter who paints his art work with people... just describe it in a more subtle manner.

There's a scene in American Horror Story where a school shooting occurs and all we see is the feet of the shooter and hear the sounds of whatever is happening, this is very much less is more. Same should applied here.

Obviously though, the ending should be him revealing he had a gun and back to the silence trope.

That's just my take on the whole thing. Thanks man. Idk, as I said to Bob, I might finish this, I might not. I'm guessing you figured out that the idea was a mass killing that went undetected - WHICH I completely forgot to include a scene of someone discovering what happened, may or may not be necessary - but I just kinda did it plainly.

If I do rewrite it, I'm not sure if I'd do it in a music sense, maybe? I like the sounds of how you described it, maybe if I rewrite Darcy a bit it could work. I'll let this one sit for a bit, and then pick it back up once I know what I want to do with it for certain. Sure, that's your story. I was just aiming for a suggestion of him being locked in his mind doing something peaceful and artistic for us to see... Him  getting detected, and perhaps even arrested at the end shouldn't interrupt with the subtlty thing, or even the current ending... maybe just have like cops show up with their sirens when he muses about the quiet in the end.

As for being undetected, he'll be detected by residents of each house once he kills one of them, out of the building, he will most likely not be heard and on top of that... it's not gonna end up in a mass panic, so, it doesn't matter much. As for dogs and other animals that might alert anyone... remember it's a upper middle class neighborhood, give them "useless" fancy poodles and stuff that would only add to the pile of dead meat.

Up to you.