Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32807959-20171007031318/@comment-32461413-20171014153152

To start off, the title of the story isn't capitalized correctly. It should be "She's Here" instead of what it is now.

There are some sporadic grammar issues. Some of them are repeated throughout the whole story whereas some of them are corrected at some point. Just remember that you only need to capitalize the beginning of sentences, proper nouns, I, and titles; you have some random words capitalized in the middle of sentences which don't make sense. You also don't need to capitalize the first letter of the dialogue tag unless there is a reason to. Speaking of dialogue, there are some parts that don't have any punctuation mark before the closed quotation mark. There should at least be a comma.

Since you establish the protagonist's name as Bobby. The plural form would be Bobby's not Bobbies. That just completely changes everything. You also use an apostrophe followed by an "s" for possessiveness when it comes to names. Bobby's and Richie's, not Bobbies and Richies.

Remember that it's = it is and its = possessive.

You also have a lot of sentences and a lot of fragments. Since a lot of your sentences have pretty similar lengths, it comes off as monotonous. I would work on reducing the number of sentences as a lot of these can be bridged together.

Looking at the story itself, I am not a huge fan of the narrator; I think it's a bit tacky. For one, the introduction is jarring; there was no indication that Bobby's message was ending until a narrator just popped up. The narrator hurts the flow as it explains too much that should be gathered from the story itself. Show rather than tell. I also don't know exactly what the purpose of the narrator is either and at some points, I wonder if it knows what its purpose is; some of its explaining mentions that it doesn't know what it's explaining. I also find the last paragraph to be quite jarring and it simply doesn't fit in with the rest of the story. I suggest either removing the narrator entirely or rewriting it to be a character in the story. What if the narrator was the ghostly figure? Or one of the friends? Right now it's just some random entity.

I think using more descriptive words would help out a bit. For one, it will be less staccato as well as can reduce some explaining. You also use some basic words such as "sad" and "tired" which could have more impact if you used stronger words.

I would make the emails feel more like emails. Usually, emails have the sender information, who the email is being sent to, and a subject line. That will be less clunky then having to write "this is Bobby to Damian" which sounds a space exploration mission. You also can eliminate the repetitive "Hi, my name is ____" which is used every time a character is introduced. It's also strange as usually names are signed at the end of an email.

I also found a few story issues. For one, why does Richie not seem to care much about the figure in the beginning? He mentions that he only saw it a few times. Wouldn't seeing it once be enough to be convinced that this thing is real and is a potential threat? Seeing it multiple times and not seeing an issue is a bit ridiculous. Rachel's case makes a little bit more sense as she questions if she really was seeing anything whereas Richie actually admits to seeing it and knows that it exists.

This is small, but you make no prior mention to the figure being hooded which comes off as jarring when you say "the hooded figure."

You also make no prior mention to the ritual that Bobby does. How does he know it? How does he do it too?

I think the scene where Richie explodes and his organs fly all over the place is quite a cliche for stories like this. It also doesn't fit in at all with the rest of the story as there are no other shocking scenes anywhere else. I would cut this part out.

Overall, I think you should really check out the grammar. This wiki has a good style guide for reference, but also Grammarly works well. I would work on being more descriptive and definitely work on your style. With some work, I think you can make this story work.