Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-26112985-20160111222651

Mikemacdee wrote:

It is better, but still needs a lot of work. I've been meaning to ask, is English your second language? A lot of passages come off that way with the odd way improper words are used.

There was the immediate protest of metal as the car was impacted.

People protest, not metal. Metal does groan when bent out of shape, though. "Impacted" is too vague to specifically convey a high-speed collision. You're not likely to hear the metal twisting in a car crash anyway: what you'll hear is the boom of the impact, the smashing of glass, the airbag deploying, screeching tires. You're totally disoriented for several seconds as the world gets flipped upside-down, and your lungs probably collapse, so for a few moments after the crash you have difficulty breathing (assuming you're still conscious). Then you slowly realize what happened and shock washes over you: everything seems kind of dream-like as you get out of the car to assess the damage, assuming you weren't critically injured and are unable to move. Any painful injuries probably won't register right away due to a combination of shock and endorphin glands; after a while the pain will start to set in, and then you'll be hurting like hell.

You might try describing the disorientation, rather than the minute details as they occur, since the driver would be too disoriented to take note of those details. He likely wouldn't notice the glass fragments in his skin until after the crash, where it would then slowly dawn on him, "Holy shit, I'm hurt".

And remember to be as concise as possible. Simplify your sentences for five-year-olds if you have to. From there you can sparingly add embellishments to touch it up a bit, until you find the right balance between detail and brevity that makes reading smooth and easy.

Through my agony, I had the sense to slam on the [brakes]. => I slammed on the brakes.

I blacked out before my car slid into a ditch and caught aflame. => I blacked out. => The car tumbled into a ditch and I blacked out. No, English is not my second langauge.

Okay, I rewrote the scene again, doing my best to adhere to your suggestions. How does it look now?

"Everything happened incredibly fast. There was an immediate “Boom!” as my car was impacted. I was vaguely aware of the sounds of glass shattering and tires screeching. I tried to move my arms, but realized in a daze that the airbag had deployed, restricting my movement. The next thing I knew, I was spinning. My entire world became a twisted carnival ride that was careening out of control. Then I went for a steep dive into a ditch, hit my head, and blacked out."

