Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26423665-20150604190112/@comment-26475800-20150622213749

Okay, so like Jygilzo had said, that wall of text is intimidating, I almost passed this up because of it. Break it up a lot, your intro can be one paragraph, your description of the monster can be another (also agree with Jygilzo on this point, make it vaguer.) That is just too examples, but I am too lazy to go through it and point out more. Your sentences run on and on as well, which kind of bogs down the story. Sometimes this works, it is like reading the first paragraph in A Tale of Two Cities. Break it up in some places, leave some of them long.

E.g. "However, this is no solution and now you become convinced that the creature that is absolutely, definitely there is now just perched on the edge of the bed and is hunched over you waiting for you to pull your protective covering back down so it can snatch you away or it’s sliding one of those crooked hands with its filthy claw-like nails under your 'impenetrable cloth barrier' at the foot of your bed, a weakness in any night-time bastion, to slowly wrap around your ankle and secure its prey that way. You heart skips a beat, a wave of cold terror and nausea sweeping over you: did you just feel something compress the mattress at the edge?"

There are two things I would change with that small piece: first, break up that first sentience, you don't need it that long. There is plenty of places where you can break it up. break it up after edge of bed, then the next section can be its own sentience, or even after saying it was hunched over you. The run on is a little too long. The second thing would be a few grammar mistakes, you=your, absolutely and diffidently shouldn't be used one after the next, you used a colon when it should be a semi-colon, little things like that to look for.

Over all this story wasn't bad, but it just needs some work on breaking it up, fixing small grammar things, which could be handled easily and you should be good.

Hope this helps.