Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20151203055419/@comment-4715955-20151230035039

It still needs a lot of proofreading to clean up clumsy and nonsensical passages which make it really difficult to read. I have a fun solution at the end of this comment though.

he already felt a sensation of detest towards the land

I see what you're trying to say, but "sensation of detest" is nonsense. "He detested the land" would be better, but still has a lot of room for improvement, which will be easier when you get a grasp of the narrative voice.

the Kenyan land was showcasing an alternating pattern of the rich and yet monotonous green jungles between the bland fields.

Kind of awkward in general. Should be able to fix this and other passages like it by saying what you want to say in as few words as possible, and using metaphor to flavor it. Here's an example revision of the above passage:

Kenya's flesh was a patchwork of wild green jungle and barren fields.

Another passage that has issues:

''If need be, Till could easily navigate through the thick vegetation, which was not an issue. His main concern was on other matters. Who would want to deal with thick African brush teasing their faces, or the endless harassing insects among the other poisonous unseen vermin, all combined with humidity like that of hot ass in a poorly ventilated gym after New Years?''

It's not only awkward and overly wordy, but it also lacks any real voice. It seems like it's trying to have a voice, but is too hindered or afraid to fully embrace it like this:

''Navigating the jungle wasn't a problem. The problem was the hungry insects, face-clawing African brush, and swamp ass from the third circle of hell. Then you could top it off with an observation: That the human race could live here, let alone flourish, was a miracle, if not proof that humanity was too stupid to give up and die.''

I would suggest rewriting a small passage from scratch as an exercise, trying to make it as concise and colorful as possible, while keeping in mind the themes of "walking through an insufferable jungle" and "disillusioned military man". Try writing several passages as practice, to get a feel for voice and conciseness. You might even grab some men's adventure fiction off of amazon or ebay and read that as a reference. I recommend the first volume of the S.O.B.s series, because it's exactly along the lines of what you're doing as far as setting and character go.

Oh, there's also the matter of "show, don't tell". For example:

''"I have cancer?" Till repeated, unable to swallow the distasteful news. ''

Forgiving the fact that "distasteful" is the wrong word to use here, you're not giving us much opportunity to be invested in the tragedy because this passage basically boils down to "he got bad news and it was sad." SHOW us his reaction to the news before he says anything. Maybe he gapes stupidly, then looks at his feet. Maybe he asks in a tiny, cracking voice for the doctor to repeat himself. Maybe he s-l-o-w-l-y sits down as the weight of the news perches on his shoulders like a lead vulture. There are exercises you can find online for practicing showing-not-telling as well.