Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26705150-20150814222552/@comment-26705150-20150821033524

Vngel W wrote: Gabemcceldry,

I noticed some grammatical errors and word adjustments that I wanted to point out first before I address your story. Any errors I noticed were placed in "[]" to easily capture their location.


 * With the first sentence, may I suggest cutting back a few words to make for a smoother to read.

Original: Recently I was walking through my neighborhood [and I was just] minding my own business when I came across a folded piece of paper on the ground.

Revised: Recently, I was walking through my neighborhood, minding my own business when I came across a folded piece of paper on the ground.


 * Remove letter "it" ,"I", "just" for a smoother read:

Original: I had seen it being blown around [it] a bit from the wind and [I] decided to pick it up, [just] to see what it was and it turned out to be a note.

Revised: I had seen it being blown around a bit from the wind and decided to pick it up to see what it was, and it turned out to be a note.


 * Some areas like noted here can have less words, again for a smooth flow.

Original: I was a student at a local university taking a philosophy major and these nightly walks were some of the best times to think about the various topics [that were] often talked about in class.

Revised: I was a student at a local university taking a philosophy major and these nightly walks were some of the best times to think about the various topics often talked about in class.


 * This next sentence sounded strange to me, maybe adjusting the words might help.

Original: This was one of those nights [as I walked] down an empty street to get to the intersection.

Revised: This was one of those nights, making my way down an empty street to get to the intersection.


 * Here you do not need to restate who is doing the action since it was just stated.

Original: I tried to just shrug it off and [I] kept walking the other way.

Revised: I tried to just shrug it off and kept walking the other way.


 * You mentioned the lights do a "pass" in the prior sentence. I changed it in this next sentence to break-up the monotonous use of the same word.

Original: They were just as bright as ever and [it just passed by] without turning on my street.

Revised: They were just as bright as ever and continued on without turning on my street.


 * You're missing the letter "a." Also I modified it so that flows a little smoother. It's just a suggestion though.

Original: By the time I got halfway down the street I heard the sound [of car]approaching behind me [and I could see the lights shining] onto the street [as it approached].

Revised: By the time I got halfway down the street, I heard the sound of a car approaching behind me, seeing the lights shine onto the street as it came.


 * Changed tense of "walking" and/removed punctuation accordingly. Also I adjust a the sentence for smoother flow.

Original: My uneasiness was getting to me and I quickened the pace of my [walking]. "Was this the same [car]" I thought. The car was moving really [slowly] behind[and it never actually passed me]. "Is someone following me?"[,] I thought.

Revised: My uneasiness was getting to me and I quickened the pace of my walk. "Was this the same car?" I thought. The car was moving really slow behind me, never actually passing. "Is someone following me?" I thought.


 * Removed "a."

Original: I went from a full jog to [a] just running like crazy.

Revised: I went from a full jog to just running like crazy.


 * Change "truck" to "trunk"

Original: When I woke up, it was dark and it took me a few moments to realize that I was in the [truck] of a car.

Revised: When I woke up, it was dark and it took me a few moments to realize that I was in the [truck] of a car.


 * Added "to."

Original: They were looking directly at me while wearing a mask. I tried as quickly as I [could plead] with him or her or whoever it was.

Revised: They were looking directly at me while wearing a mask. I tried as quickly as I could to plead with him or her or whoever it was.


 * Keep all punctuation within quotations.

Original: "Please, just don't hurt Me.[", "]Don't fucking kill me, please".

Revised: "Please, just don't hurt Me. Don't fucking kill me, please".


 * Changed to "wherever."

Original: It was completely silent outside, [where-ever] that was.

Revised: It was completely silent outside, wherever that was.

---

Now with grammatical and word adjustments aside, I will now turn to you story. First, it was a fairly decent read, but it did become a little slow around the car stalking.

The first thing that threw me off at this part was the lack of orientation and limited landmarks. Around the 2-4 paragraph, the character made a variety of turns and dips. I think including minor landmarks to help understand the orientation of the character will help establish where they are. I understand they're freaking out and moving as a means to escape but with the multiple turns and loops, I lost track and in turn shut down in interest unable to keep track of them. Throwing a landmark such as a sign or a house would help alleviate that issue.

Next, it was mentioned that the main character reading the story found this entire story on a single piece of paper. However, you did note in the end that were multiple pieces of paper so that was good. I suggest noting that there is more than one paper in the beginning. Also, and this is a suggestion, if there are multiple pieces of paper, the character reading might not have them all. You could find a way to squeeze in the fact the captive wrote a description of the area he/she could see from the hole, but that page was never found, just a thought.

Lastly, I understand the idea of this being a journal entry, but if a person taken captive was writing this, maybe a little more fear and urgency should be noted in their writing, especially towards the end. Remember, they want to be found, so their words should reflect that. Additionally, maybe their environment should reveal that they weren't the first abductee or simply describe it more to emphasize to set the mood of the area.

Please do not take these noted critiques as a means to bash your writing. I wanted to be sure you received proper feedback to help strengthen your writing skills. In the end, the story was decent. I think with some polishing it could be a much better read. I look forward to reading more your work in the future!

I've actually fixed this story since then. You can read it here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Blue_Headlights