Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150428125106/@comment-26027963-20150428134525

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Starting with the introduction, you need to build more on this excerpt. "there is one quarter virtue and three quarter sin." Also "If you haven't heard that, then you were already dead." needs elaboration and explanation.

Punctuation: ""Shut up!" I roared. The room died down(,/.) "Let's think.", ""Men!"." Remember not to put punctuation outside of dialogue. This was present in "Under the Floorboards" as well

Grammar: their/there/they're "that was there problem.", you have issues with it's (it is) and its (possession) "it's next victim." and in the earlier version, " It raised it's sword..."

Spacing issues: "Clatter,clack, bang."

Wording issues: "climbing up a latter.", "coming down a latter.", " I peaked (peeked) my head", "It raised it sword..."

Story issues: "A green skinned, heavily muscled demon. Only wearing red shorts, but having a sword fit for the giant it was." You should be a little more descriptive than this. You are building the entire story around this Kali and Kali Yuga, you need to devote more than just one or two (relatively generic) sentences to describing it. This is a major tenant in Hinduism and as such, it has a lot of background and mythology surrounding it.

More story issues: "It raised it sword... And cut me in half." You are telling this story in past tense from a first person perspective. Killing the protagonist at the end is a fairly large plot hole. Finally, the story feels rushed (possibly because this is for Koromo's contest and you were in a hurry to write it) and there are a lot of issues that are present at first glance. There really needs to be more build-up and background. (What are they doing in the bunker? What are their sentiments? It would seem the protagonist had a previous encounter with a demon, why not elaborate more on that and maybe go into the hopelessness of their situation or their fear of Kali?) Thanks Emp, this is gonna be my longest story yet! I hope to post around... 5 revisions. I'll tell both of you when the next one comes out.