Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29970504-20161102154748/@comment-29970504-20161102210156

Jake888 wrote: I work as an overnight concierge of an apartment complex in Denver, right across the street from the park. According to several historical articles and the word of mouth from other concierge, the area used to be a Mercy Hospital, meant for treating mental patients and also a delivery center for children. There have been no cases of violent events, at least according to the articles. But I can’t help think there has been at least one(comma) and I have no idea how it occurred.

My duties are simple; I patrol through the two towers, making sure everything is as it should be. Checking doors to see if they’re locked, checking lights for any dead lightbulbs, and going around the grounds for transients and taggers, which have been an issue in recent months. Occasionally, I’ve had to shoo a few transients hanging near the garage door, and most of the time they’ve moved on. I’ve only had to call the police once, which they handled without incident.(this sentence does not make much sense, try something like "I've only had to call the police once, they handled the problem without incident.)

I mention calling the police because “Security” isn’t my job description. I don’t go outside with a Maglite and Mace to ward off undesired guests. I call the cops, and they solve the issue. Which is why I found it odd that one night, around 3:00 am, I received a call on the concierge phone. Answering it, a resident in the higher rooms, I think on the 20th or 21st floor told me that the police will be by shortly, and they will need access to the elevator. I answered in the affirmative. About 10 minutes later, 2 officers came to the door, and I let them up the elevator, returning to my desk. Another 30 minutes later, they came back down, visibly shaken.

I asked them if anything was wrong, and one said that there was a figure that seemed to levitate about 10 feet away from the balcony of the resident. Attempts to talk to the figure were futile, and it simply vanished when one officer pulled his weapon. Seeing that the perpetrator was gone, they left, but they were clearly disturbed.

On one patrol through the parking garage, I opened the door to the corridor that leads to the lobby, only to open into the garage again. Confused, I opened it again, and I was in the corridor rather than the lobby. This cycle continued until I was sick of the games and opened the door that led outside to the driveway that the garbage trucks come through. Even that opened to the garage. Angered and slightly scared(slightly scared? Any normal person would have pinched themselves, then shit their pants if doors opened to different locations each time.), I took the elevator up the other lobby, went up, and the doors opened to the garage once again. Letting out a yell of rage, I was disturbed by a tap on the shoulder. It was a resident. She expressed her concern, as she said she saw me go back and forth through the same door, over and over. I said I was trying to get to the lobby, and her confused face wasn’t helping much. Upon my next attempt to reach the lobby, there it was, as pristine as I left it. I settled in for the night.

Another time, I was going around the grounds, with the cheap flashlight that the complex provides. Upon coming to one area, which is a stair case that goes down into the parking garage, I noticed a figure huddled down near the door. Upon an attempt to address him(Two first clauses in a row start with the word "Upon": "Upon coming to one area... Upon an attemp to adress him..." this is redundent.), he didn’t respond. As soon as I approached him, he turned, standing to his height. I’m short, statistically speaking, standing a good 3 or 4 inches beneath the national average for males, but he towered above me, his head brushing the top of the 7 foot ceiling.

His clothes were impossibly black. I say that because I’ve never seen anything this dark, not even the night sky. Terrified, I froze in place, watching in macabre fascination as liquid, I want to say blood, ran down it, pooling on the floor. I backed away, falling upon reaching the stairs. The figure leaned forward to me, a horrible stench emanating from the figure. Terror finally overcoming me(comma) I screamed in panic.

And in the next second, it was gone. Looking around fervently, I didn’t see it anywhere. Obviously spooked, I hurriedly returned to my desk, trying to console myself. And for another few weeks, I didn’t have another incident again. However, last night was the worst of the events so far. As part of my job, I have to go to the penthouse of a tower, and then go down the stairs, reporting anything out of place for maintenance to fix later. Some of the staircase walls are concrete and obviously stained with various chemicals throughout the years. However, one wall had a red hand print I’ve never seen before, and upon touching it, some of it came on to my hand.("Some of the red came onto my hand", would sound better. Or just specify what came onto your hand.)

It smelled like blood, and I heard a faint cry down the stairs. Following the sound, I came to one landing which was covered in the hand prints, smelling like fresh blood. Immediately, the lights went out in the stairs, and I was cast into darkness. Fumbling in my pockets for my phone, I turned on the flashlight function, and turned to see a bloody form in front of me. Yelping in surprise, I dropped the phone, the vertical beam barely illuminating the landing.

The figure, which looked like a woman, crawled to me, pursuing me as I backed up to the wall. Her hands came to my face, leaving behind a substance I can only assume was blood as she traced my face. Retrieving my phone, I saw several more forms, just as bloody as she was. Several hands were placed on me, their hands covered in blood, marking my clothes, skin, and walls(this devation from body parts sound... Wierd). I tried screaming, but small, almost infant-like fingers were jammed down my throat, my mouth and nose (was) overwhelmed with the iron-like smell of blood. I could hardly breathe, and the taste of bile rising through my system didn’t help at all. Choking, vomit poured through my nose and trickled out of my mouth. I became lightheaded, and everything went dark.

Upon awaking, the walls were as bare as they were before. No blood was on me or the surrounding area. Even my vomit was gone. There was no evidence that anything had occurred, save for the faint smell of blood. According to the clock on the phone, no more than 5 minutes had passed since the beginning of the episode to awakening. I resumed my rounds, and returned to my desk.

I know the story doesn’t have a satisfying resolution, and believe me I want it as badly as you do. But as I understand it, these…hallucinations will continue and I have no idea how to stop it(comma.) short of leaving the position. But I can’t; it pays well and it’s a very comfy job, save for the episodes that sporadically come up. I’ll have to weather it and maintain the illusion of peace that these events don’t give me. And besides, at least I know I’m not alone in the dark.

The story is not bad, save a couple of clichés. One thing that bugged me is if you expierincing horrible hallucination, then why the fuck don't you go to a doctor.

The concept is good, but could be explained further: give us a bit more on the places history.

Or make the hallucinations less random. For example, you could give the charecter a troubled past, for example his father could be an abusive alcholic. Thats a bit cliché, but you can figure something else out and base the hallucinations of that element in the charecters life, this would allow you to help us sympethize for the charecter.

Don't take this critism to heart because I'm not a person you ask for feedback if you have a choice. I hope this review will suffice until someone gives a more in-depth one. Funny thing is, a few of those cliches are real. It was indeed built on the former location of a mercy hospital, and in some stairwell landing there are red handprints. But, the are from spilt wood varnish. I actually do work there, but nothin odd happens, save for the occassional unexplained noises.