Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-2007196-20180809055416

Okey doke. So this is my first time using this forum system, so I apologize if I just messed up right now. correct me if I'm doing it wrong and ban me or whatever.

So right now I'm looking for someone to completely destroy my ego by reviewing this poem I made. Don't worry, it's a creepypasta poem, not some random sadness bongo. If it doesn't look like a creepypoem, it's just because I suck. Please thrash it. I personally have noticed some problems with it; even though sometimes I break meter to try and make a passage fit, I still feel like the structure is too heavy handed and doesn't flow well at all. Also, I'm wondering if my word choice is ultimately poor.

Thank you all in advance. Here is the actual poem:

Old mathematics, once ‘gain

Found like love, trip’d

into planets’ orbit, fly;

Dodecahedron abode the vault

of sky and wind

Manifold of endless fire

Broken hearts, eyes of old, ancient drops

of tears and lost

mathematics. Dusted tomes of

Prehistory. Wants to be at last

Set free ‘cross the

physical. From a realm alien.

The pentagram’s fractions feign

the prime golden

elder thing, which ne’er die

Time’s older geometry, though long

dead; a threat still

Lost your love, but kept your life from

Those at the Base of Polytopal

Non-Euclid eldritch

place. Undefined withered space. With one

quick bated breath

Remember what the old Klein forgot

She told the truth about new math worlds

But she didn’t

detect how much it was true; not

a simile or turned phrase, but a

mem’ry. Old math.

Blackened now the vault of blue

Once I cherished

Now obstructed, by elder’s spire

Kiss your lips; numeric kissing

You’ll forget me; better like that, love.

Lest you earn the elder’s ire.

At least you’ll be safe this way.

the concept for this is basically "boy meets girl. boy meets eldritch math. boy has to break things off with girl so eldritch math doesn't get her", and if that can't be inferred from reading it then I suck even more than I know.

Also not sure if I'm supposed to sign forum posts but just in case AlixeTiir (talk) 05:54, August 9, 2018 (UTC) 