Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32351859-20170627133335/@comment-28266772-20170628154849

'[So first thing is the formatting. I don’t know why but the wikia can be fiddly when posting so make sure that if you submit a story that it’s been formatted correctly. Everyone makes mistakes, especially early on, but just know that when you submit a story you need to go back and make sure it’ll look okay for the people who come after you and view it. In this case, your story has clearly been put into all italics which probably wasn’t your intent. I’ve removed this for the annotated copy below, but you should still bear it in mind later.]'

 October 1st

[Not many people write a date without the year]

 Dear diary [comma]

 I set off this morning in my automobile for the town north of my home as i [I] am looking to move away [<- period]  so i am looking to view some houses there [that last bit reads awkwardly]. As I left my home in my new automobile [repetition] the sun was rising and illuminating the sky with an orange tint. I drove for hours and within that time the weather had turned and became [become] a dreadful storm. The shadow of the storm [repetition; read over your work and you’ll see that repeating the same word within a few words creates an unpleasant effect] clouds and the heavy rainfall worked together to cause me to become lost and so I ended up in an old pub that sat by the roadside, when I say ended up I mean my automobile skidded of the road and hit a solitary lamp post outside said pub.

 Upon finding myself outside this pub [comma] a tall, [<- delete that comma] emaciated man with a gaunt face came out with an old hunting rifle with [and] an angered expression on his face (that looked like it hadn’t been used for centuries) [period]  and then when [When] he saw me he apologised for frightening me in an unnerved tone [and]  he then invited me in. However this change in emotion unnerved me more than the rifle did.

 -

 So I can’t continue reviewing in this annotated style because I’ll be here forever given the sheer volume of mistakes and, honestly, I’m not a spellcheck program. That’s why they exist. You really shouldn’t be posting drafts without running them past a simple spellcheck first. Spellcheck.net will do it if you don’t have access to MS word.

 So let’s dig in.

 First off, you’re trying too hard with the style. The sentences are too long and their structure is off. You’re repeatedly splicing independent clauses together, and you have numerous run on sentences. If you want to write in this style you’re going to want to spend time studying sentence structure, punctuation, independent vs dependent clauses, objects, subjects, passive vs active clauses, and tense. The verbose classical style is difficult. The likes of Poe, Lovecraft and Stoker were experts at grammar and, while their styles were busy and cluttered they were also impeccably constructed without error which allowed it flow past the reader without problem. So my first piece of advice is to read, study, and quit the ambitious style for now. Simplicity works and there’s nothing wrong with it.

 Second, the sheer number of errors betrays a lack of effort. Proof your own work. I’ve already mentioned it but it’s worth mentioning again.

 Third, be more economical. Cut the waste and try to convey as much information with as few words as possible. Instead of saying,

The shadow of the storm clouds and the heavy rainfall worked together to cause me to become lost…

 You can just say,

''The storm blew me off the road and into a lamppost. ''

 It’s the same information, in a fewer words. This frees up room to bring in descriptive language. You can mention the rain lashing across his face, the hammering sound of the storm against the glass, or the trees violently swaying in the wind. Keep it concise and make each word count. A good thing to remember is this:

 Does every word either advance the plot, show the audience somebody’s character, build up mood or atmosphere, tell us about the setting, or contribute to the story’s themes? Remember, plot, character, mood, setting, themes. If it isn’t working towards that, get rid of it. You don’t need to say “the wind and rain worked together to do X” when you can just say “the storm did X” because storms, as a matter of convention, usually have rain and wind by default. Keep it concise and make each word count for something.

<p class="MsoNormal"> You do make repeated efforts to use creative language. That’s good. That’s a great start. It’s shocking how many people start off with basic phrasing that just states things without any imaginative language, or clever description. You’ve got that covered. That’s how you establish mood and it’s a vital step. Remember though, when being descriptive avoid redundancies (like saying someone is both gaunt and emaciated, when they both mean something very similar) and clichés (like discussing how a sunrise tints the sky orange – surely there’s some other observation you can make alongside that? Does it look like something? Does it remind you of something? If you can’t come up with an original observation, which is perfectly fair for some topics, you can also refer to how something makes you feel).

<p class="MsoNormal"> So, overall:

<p class="MsoNormal"> Write more concisely.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Make each word count.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Proof your own work and put it through an automated spellchecker.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Study sentence structure (I think I have a blog here).

<p class="MsoNormal"> Avoid comma splices.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Avoid run-on sentences.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Keep up the description but be wary of redundancies and clichés.