Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29076144-20160715191116/@comment-24101790-20160716175013

There are a lot of issues here, in fact, I was getting ready to delete the story when Jay beat me to the punch. I would suggest reading this carefully as there are numerous capitalization, punctuation, wording, grammar, and story issues here. I'm only including a few examples, but everything I'm about to cite aren't the only issues present.

Capitalization: Improperly capitalized words. "There was a small john deer (proper nouns need proper capitalization) fishing boat parked in this dock.", "Will Ended up coming up later to fish too.", "we decided to drive to a subway (Subway) about 25 minutes away.", "Oh Shit... I thought.", "The Stars were amazing out here", etc. You also improperly capitalize words after dialogue. "it scared the shit out of me." He (he) told me.", ""that's why we keep these shotguns." He (he) said", "That and for shooting raccoons and turkeys." He (he) laughed.", etc.

Punctuation: You tend to use periods improperly in dialogue. ""Some old man used to live there, he died in that house." Sam said.", ""That's a little creepy." I responded"", "it scared the shit out of me." He told me.", etc.. "For me, driving down a dirt road can be an uneasy and sometimes scary experience ."

Punctuation issues cont.: You also forget to punctuate sentences and dialogue properly. ""That's a little creepy." I responded(.)" ""Well they would probably use traps.(,") Will responded with a smartass tone.", ""Sure." I replied(.)", "we can get back to the cabin before dark." Sam told me(period missing)", ""Genius over there locked his keys in the car, and we had to walk back.(") Sam was now packing his things in his bag.", ""So what? Maybe he went to go fishing early." He said, still hall asleep."(quotation not needed)", etc.

Wording: "It was a perfume experience for me as a little kid" Did you mean perfect? "Will and Sam where (were) my two best friends since preschool." "The front side of the house had a porch that extended across the small house (Redundant)" "Sam ended up keeping the fish, much to Will's demise." How exactly did keeping the fish lead Will to dying? "They appeared to be of Deere, cats or coyotes." I think you mean deer and not the company here.

Wording cont.: ""If we can't find them, they gotta be in my car." I sighted. (cited?)", "Now I started to feel the affects (effects) ands (and) streets (start) to cramp", "A whole was ripped down the middle", "Ideas ran through my head why I frantically looked around.", "I reached in an manually pulled up the lock", etc. I'm sorry, but there are over a dozen other instances of typos, improperly used words, and homophone issues.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "Blood had poured out of it's mouth. And it's eyes had seemed dark", "It's face was to (sic)mangled to see", "it's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing off it's fangs", etc. There are at least half-a-dozen other instances of you using the contraction when you should be using the possessive form. Their=possession, there=indicatory, they're=they are. "There argument was interrupted by a large noise outside." There are a lot of other mechanical issues here, but I'd like to move on to the story issues rather than make multiple other paragraphs highlighting the other errors that are present throughout.

Story issues: "I had to shoot it three times. My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to flip out." As a hunter, this line feels off. Generally being shot in the spine paralyzes an animal (it's the nervous system after all) so it feels off to describe the animal as being shot in the spine and then freaking out.

Story issues cont.: There is a lot of un-necessary padding here. While I enjoy a little build-up before the horror starts, this is excessive. There are over two dozen paragraphs before you really get into any of the horror or conflict in the story. The ghost story about the old man just seems tacked on and doesn't really enhance the story at all since it really is only mentioned once or twice and never brought up again.

Story issues cont.: Speaking of padding, there seems to be a lot of superfluous and awkwardly worded sentences. "The moon had raised to it's high point, and begun to drop back down.", "Then I noticed the other corpses too. Thankfully it was to dark too see the details of most of them, but the room was full of them." This line comes off as odd as you graphically describe the corpse of your friend in the same room. It feels odd that the moonlight would light up the room to see one thing but not another. That doesn't mean you need to describe the bodies twice, but using the excuse that it's too dark doesn't really work as the protagonist previously shows that it isn't dark in the cabin.

Story issues cont.: You could also work a bit on your descriptions as some are pretty generic. "The main room's entire floor was the color of the blood. At first I had thought that was just the paint. I noticed another door open. I got closer and and saw stairs leading down to a dark room. More blood followed down it", "I aimed and fired. The glass shattered and the creature stepped back, letting out a growl of pain. I pumped and fired again. Blood splattered me and then car. The creature fell on its back.", etc.

Story issues end: The ending needs a lot of work. "I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin." The protagonist just escaped after being attack by the monster and coming across the corpses of his friends. Why exactly is he sitting by his car and admiring nature? It really comes out of left field and seems kind of ridiculous. ("Man, nature is beautiful. The death of my friends and the traumatic experience surely won't haunt me.")

There are other issues, but I think this is enough for now to illustrate that there is a lot of work needing to be done here. I think this is going to need a massive amount of revision, cutting superfluous content, proof-reading, and getting feedback before this story is up to quality standards and ready for the deletion appeal.