Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31608989-20170327015246/@comment-9041013-20180419121742

Alright, I'll tell you what is wrong with this story.

The plot.

Simply put you're just repeating a bad trope of a game going wild and killing the player, or something (I did not even get what happens to the player fully.) That is simply impossible to believe, it's well, crap. Especially because Japanese electronic simulator games are a bad kind of POV in terms of resolutions and belivability. It's not VR, I'm not going to get scared by the pixels.

Also, to people who aren't into that stuff, they have no idea what most of the terms mean which kills the whole plot for them.

Here's a nice example of how to make an inanimate object actually scary, or at least horror themed. The Devil's Vinyl from the Constantine series, it contains an accidental recording of the Devil's voice. Itself, it doesn't do much other than drop the serrounding temperatures, but the effects of the devil's voice would cause people to go violent and eventually drive them into suicides to avoid the painful sound (which doesn't really translate to the viewer). So what's the idea? a "haunted" object that causes trouble in the physical world of the plot. This is way better than "some sicko made a game that kills people with magic" kind of thing.

Try to come up with something less cliched.