Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38492903-20190522125748/@comment-26475800-20190525181743

Okay, so now that most of the points that I pointed out the first time seem to be taken care of, or at least you said they were taken care of, I'm going to start ripping this story apart. For each thing that I post down here, I will give a reason why I'm pasting that part of the story. This is most likely going to take some time, so please look at what I'm saying and why it is something that should be corrected. Hopefully this till help you with the next story that you decide to write.

"I’ll be honest right now; i have no idea what to even say about this."

The second I isn't capitalized. Also, the first part of this sentence, the part before the semicolon isn't really needed. When people say "honestly" or "I'll be honest" normally says that they lie often. So you most likely don't need that first half.

"This has been on my chest for a long time and i need to get it off."

Another I that isn't capitalized. I is a proper noun and needs to always be capitalized. This would also be a better place to start the story. You don't need to tell us about being honest and not knowing what to say. It cuts out the filler and makes the story seem more fluid.

" I never told anyone on the web about this, so, well, here goes."

Kind of a strange thing to say like that. Tell us why you never told anyone about this. Also, maybe don't just exclude this to the web, have it be anyone. That way you can use anonymity to the story about who's writing it and it makes it easier to talk about it. Now, why wouldn't you tell anyone? Would they think you're crazy? Put those reasons why you didn't tell anyone, and say that you're using the mask of the internet to finally be able to talk about it.

"I used to run a youtube series on my channel which consisted of me, a black teen, pranking other people on this site called Chatroulette, a website similar to Omegle in which you talked with strangers online through webcams."

This is a bit of a longer sentence. It's okay, but try splitting it up into two different sentences. It will flow better. Have the YouTube (that's the proper way to spell it because it's a proper noun.) series aspect as it own sentence and what Chatroulette is as another. Also, you don't need to say that you ran a series on your channel, that's kind of redundant.

"The pranks that I did were similar to that of Makemebad35’s videos, in which I pretended I had my throat slit, laid there, and then jumped, startling the poor soul I managed to prank."

I don't know who Makemebad35 is, and it isn't that important. Just tell us the kind of pranks you do.

"My series only got like 100 views per video, so my series was low in quality."

Spell one-hundred. But since you're saying that you only got about a hundred views, I'd spell it like it did in this sentence. Also, remove the "like" and say around or about, it sounds better.

" It was pretty hard, just so you know. "

What was pretty hard? Do you mean bad? Not sure, but you don't really need to put that, because you just said that the prank wasn't good in the line before.

"Then, this shit happened."

Get rid of the "shit" and the comma and this will be a fine sentence. This is just because I'm of the mind set that it takes away from the story when you, as the author, uses curses when telling us something. Writing isn't exactly like how we talk. I curse often when I talk, but don't when I write. I feel like it takes away from the story, unless it's needed. So, when you say "this shit happened," it makes it sound like a child is trying to sound edgy.

"It was a sunny day when I was recording an episode of my series (I used Bandicam)."

Is it important that you use Bandicam? Does it do anything for the story? If not, cut it. Get rid of anything that doesn't add to the story in some way or the other.

" Like i said, it was rather hard to find a good scare because I was too broke to afford convincing blood, so they just faked being scared, and then it would just become a wholesome conversation about what i’m doing and such."

End the sentence after blood and start an new sentence for them faking being scared. Also, a lot of people would also make fun of the person who was trying to scare them with such a cheap trick. Put some of those in there as well, unless the main character is just a child. Children normally are able to get away with things like that, because they are children and people want to support them in what they're doing.

"Then, i got to the fifth person, got in my “laying dead” position, but then jumped and pissed myself when I heard screaming from my computer."

Another lowercase I. Say the last person, because it will be the last for the day, at least as far as the story is concerned. You're telling us about you jumping and pissing yourself when you heard a scream from the computer. First, that was the kind of reaction that the person was going for, so why would it scare them? Second, what did it feel like to be scared like that? I don't care that you jumped or pissed, both of those things are telling us, not showing us. If you jumped, try saying something like "I shot up when I heard the screams coming from my speakers, knocking my water to the ground." Or something like that. It shows what happened, more than just telling what happened. Also, that isn't the best line, just an example of what you could say.

One last thing about this, you also cursed with "pissed" again, and it has the same effect as when saying this shit happened.

"I wiped the red paint off my neck, and looked into the Partner’s Camera."

Why would you wipe the paint from your neck? I don't know, because I can't tell how this person is feeling. Or even why they became some concerned. build that up a little more and this story will be so much stronger.

"What I saw was some caucasian guy, with a red t-shirt and glasses."

Cut the what, it isn't important. Also, does it matter what clothes this white guy is wearing? No, it doesn't. Tell us what his face looks like. He is panicking, so what is he doing? Is he speaking fast? Are his eyes darting from the screen to something else? Is he trying to call the cops? All of those things are so much more important than him being a white dude with a red shirt and glasses.

"The guy looked like he was in his mid-20’s. He was screaming and crying into the microphone, in what I presume fear."

So his age isn't important. He's screaming and crying, good, but you presume it's in fear, not good. That second part is a perfect example of telling and not showing. What does his face look like? Is snot and tears streaming down his face? Is his mouth distorted as if he's in pain. What about his eyes? Are they wide and moving rapidly? All of those things would convey fear better than just telling us that you thought he was scared.

"Literally two seconds after I was staring in this guy’s eyes, I heard him scream this through his stuttered speech and sobs:"

Get rid of literally. Were you timing how long you were staring in his eyes? If so, you can say literally, but it would still be weird. When writing about things like time, always try to use vague times. About or around are great words to say for this, like the views your videos had gotten. You also mentioned him screaming in the paragraph already, so you saying it again is repetitive. Cut as much repetitiveness from your story as you can.

“Don’t fucking leave, please don’t fucking leave please!”

End the sentence after the first time he asked you not the leave. Have there be two sentences. Also, cut out one of the fuckings. I'd suggest to cut them both, because he is begging, and people normally don't curse at others if they're begging. That's just a personal idea though.

"Weirded out, I asked him calmly what the hell was going on back there."

Again, how are you feeling? Why did you ask him calmly? Was it because of a feeling or thought you had? Tell us about it. Cut the "back there" part, it's not needed. also, the next part of the sentence, about him responding quickly, can be cut and put after what he said. It is better to put "he said" after it has been said. But that's not always the case, but it will help this story and your writing until you're more comfortable with writing to put it at the end of the speech.

“There’s something in the fucking sky! It’s in the fucking sky and it’s gonna kill me!”

This is one of the few times where things can be repetitive, although it still doesn't work here. Cut the first sentence and just leave the second. It is creepy and sounds better by itself.

Okay, so I'm about halfway done with this story again, but I'm going to stop there. I hope that will be enough for you to start thinking about what needs to be fixed and why it needs to be fixed. Go through the rest of the story and see if you can find things on your own now. It will help you to edit your stories a lot if you can do that. Anything that you think should be fixed, fix it and see if that makes the story any better.

I hope this helps.