Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160223234242/@comment-4849011-20160331003724

Oh, rotten chicken is bad! That and rotten cabbage. ~shudders~

Chapter 9
 * Tris landed squarely between Allien’s shoulder blades.

“Kowabunga!” she cried.- Tris landed squarely between Allien’s shoulder '''blades. “Kowabunga!”''' she cried.
 * “Well, you should of thought of that before you grabbed us!” Tris said in a low growl. “We don’t take any guff from treacherous, people-grabber like you.”- “Well, you should’ve thought of that before you grabbed us!” Tris said in a low growl. “We don’t take any guff from treacherous people-grabbers like you.” Or “We don’t take any guff from a treacherous people-grabber like you.”
 * She held them up dramatically and clacks them several times.- She held them up dramatically and clacked them several times.
 * “Noooooo!” he shouted, struggling to free his tentacles from the dozen or so Ninja stars and angry houseguests.

“Don’t snip my precious tendrils.”- “Noooooo!” he shouted, struggling to free his tentacles from the dozen or so Ninja stars and angry '''houseguests. “Don’t''' snip my precious tendrils.”
 * “A pariah.” Allien explained.- “A pariah,” Allien explained.
 * Tris snorted as she loosen her hold.

“Well, he started it,” she ranted.- Tris snorted as she loosened her '''hold. “Well,''' he started it,” she ranted.
 * Allien heard a deep sigh of relief and fell to his knees.

“Thank you,” he said to Cheryl, “thank you for saving me from that fury.”- Allien heard a deep sigh of relief and fell to his '''knees. “Thank''' you,” he said to Cheryl. “Thank you for saving me from that fury.” (Also, did you mean he heard a sigh of relief or he let out a sigh of relief?)
 * “We want some information?” Twicky interjected.- “We want some information.” Twicky interjected.
 * “He better be,” Cheryl muttered softly, for your sake as well as his, cause if any harm has come to him I’ll sic something much worse on you than Tris.”- “He better be,” Cheryl muttered softly, “for your sake as well as his, cause if any harm has come to him I’ll sic something much worse on you than Tris.”
 * Allien got to his feet with a groan. He looked down at his suit which now hung in tattered shreds from his tall, rail-thin frame.

“Sheesh, my best suit,” he said indignantly. “Did you have to be so rough?”- Allien got to his feet with a groan. He looked down at his suit which now hung in tattered shreds from his tall, rail-thin '''frame. “Sheesh,''' my best suit,” he said indignantly. “Did you have to be so rough?”
 * Cheryl thought about this for a moment.

“The pool’s probably out back,” she said finally.- Cheryl thought about this for a '''moment. “The''' pool’s probably out back,” she said finally.
 * “Relax, birdie,” said Grixlirr, who was listening in on the entire conversation. “Pierard’s fine. I happened to know a lot about parrots; how they’re really brainy and are good problem-solvers.”- “Relax, birdie,” said Grixlirr, who was listening in on the entire conversation. “Pierard’s fine. I happen to know a lot about parrots- how they’re really brainy and are good problem-solvers.”
 * “Really?” said Grixlirr, arching a scaly eyebrow. “You mean like felonious stuff—like cat burglary and forgery.”- “Really?” said Grixlirr, arching a scaly eyebrow. “You mean like felonious stuff—like cat burglary and forgery?”
 * Cheryl studied the doors, her long whiskers twitching nervously.

“Open it,” she said curtly.- Cheryl studied the doors, her long whiskers twitching '''nervously. “Open''' it,” she said curtly.
 * Allien pushed open the double-doors. A shimmering green haze came from the within. There was a rush of warm humid air heavy with the delicate scent of blossoms and damp greenery. Allien turned to Cheryl and gestured toward the open doors.

“Ladies first,” he said with a thin smile.- Allien pushed open the double-doors. A shimmering green haze came from within. There was a rush of warm, humid air heavy with the delicate scent of blossoms and damp greenery. Allien turned to Cheryl and gestured toward the open '''doors. “Ladies''' first,” he said with a thin smile.
 * Cheryl didn’t move.

“No, I think you should go first.”- Cheryl didn’t '''move. “No,''' I think you should go first.”
 * But it was settled. Allien had to walk in first while wearing Grixlirr like a kooky hat, the rest sidled cautiously after him.- But it was settled. Allien had to walk in first while wearing Grixlirr like a kooky hat; the rest sidled cautiously after him.
 * Twicky shook her head and muttered, “No, its got glass walls. It’s a conservatory.”- Twicky shook her head and muttered, “No, it’s got glass walls. It’s a conservatory.”
 * “Oh, great,” said Cecil disgustedly, “how are we going to find Pierard in a humongous place like this?”- “Oh, great,” said Cecil disgustedly. “How are we going to find Pierard in a humongous place like this?”
 * Pascal looked at her in dismay.

“But is that plan really wise?” he said nervously. “There might be wild things lurking in there…and what about you-know-who?” He cast a quick anxious glance at Allien who gave him a impish wink. “Maybe we should all stick together.”- Pascal looked at her in '''dismay. “But''' is that plan really wise?” he said nervously. “There might be wild things lurking in there…and what about you-know-who?” He cast a quick anxious glance at Allien who gave him an impish wink. “Maybe we should all stick together.”

Chapter 10
 * Pierard clamped his wings to his beak.

“You think our ‘host’ and some his minions are spying on us this very minute?” Pierard whispered, eyes darting around in all directions.- Pierard clamped his wings to his '''beak. “You think our ‘host’ and some of his''' minions are spying on us this very minute?” Pierard whispered, eyes darting around in all directions. *“I’ve been here once when I was a fledgling.”- “I was here once when I was a fledgling.”
 * “No,” she replied, “we’re not?”- “No,” she replied, “we’re not.”
 * “Well, where are we then ?” grumbled Pierard, impatient to get on his way.- My computer indicates a space between “then” and “?”, but I could be mistaken.
 * Cheryl wished he would stop doing that, it was driving her up the wall.- Cheryl wished he would stop doing that; it was driving her up the wall.
 * Allien stopped humming and let out a hiss of disgust.

“Eels,” he said, rolling his emerald-green eyes. “You should be ashamed of yourself—poking fun at a man’s tendrils.”- Allien stopped humming and let out a hiss of '''disgust. “Eels,”''' he said, rolling his emerald-green eyes. “You should be ashamed of yourself—poking fun at a man’s tendrils.”
 * “Simple, sonny,” Allien replied with a smirk, “I can read your mind.”- “Simple, sonny,” Allien replied with a smirk. “I can read your mind.”
 * “Well, we didn’t have much of choice,” Grixlirr told her. “Even if you did try to reason with him, he will never let any of you go. As the old human saying goes; a leopard can’t change his spots”- “Well, we didn’t have much of choice,” Grixlirr told her. “Even if you did try to reason with him, he would never let any of you go. As the old human saying goes, a leopard can’t change his spots.”
 * “Well, let’s make a break for it!” shouted Cecil, hoping around in sheer desperation. “I don’t want to get splattered by globs of Garkain guts!”- “Well, let’s make a break for it!” shouted Cecil, hopping around in sheer desperation. “I don’t want to get splattered by globs of Garkain guts!”
 * Gregory shook his head.

“We didn’t have time to search the entire greenhouse,” he said mournfully.- Gregory shook his '''head. “We''' didn’t have time to search the entire greenhouse,” he said mournfully.
 * A hideous grating sound from behind made his fist froze in mid-air.- A hideous grating sound from behind made his fist freeze in mid-air.
 * Slowly she turned around, so did everyone else.- Slowly she turned around; so did everyone else.
 * Allien was standing up; very much alive, and he was laughing at them.- Allien was standing up; he was very much alive, and he was laughing at them.
 * “The only things available for me are livestock and swarm of juicy naive tourists.”- “The only things available for me are livestock and swarms of juicy naive tourists.”
 * Clinging to the wood-and-glass ceiling and from the tangled branches were Allien’s servants—weasel-like Timmertams and beaky-nosed Lontaqas.

They all were staring down hungrily at the terrified onlookers.- Clinging to the wood-and-glass ceiling and from the tangled branches were Allien’s servants—weasel-like Timmertams and beaky-nosed '''Lontaqas. They''' all were staring down hungrily at the terrified onlookers.
 * Allien folded his arms, quite pleased with '''himself.

“Still interested in taking me on?” he said, tilting his head to one side.- Allien folded his arms, quite pleased with himself. “Still''' interested in taking me on?” he said, tilting his head to one side.
 * “Right, kid,” Grixlirr replied, “But just be careful Okay?”- “Right, kid,” Grixlirr replied, “But just be careful, okay?”
 * They simple stayed where they were, watching and whispering to one another.- They simply stayed where they were, watching and whispering to one another.
 * Allien watched their progress with growing '''admiration.

“You people don’t give up easily, do you?” he said.- Allien watched their progress with growing admiration. “You''' people don’t give up easily, do you?” he said.
 * They took a sharp right-angle turn and came to a halt in front of a mildew-spotted door.

Cecil barged forward and grabbed the porcelain knob. The door rattled but didn’t open.

“Oh well,” said Cecil, shrugging resignedly. “It’s locked. We’re doomed.”- They took a sharp right-angle turn and came to a halt in front of a mildew-spotted '''door. Cecil''' barged forward and grabbed the porcelain knob. The door rattled but didn’t '''open. “Oh,''' well,” said Cecil, shrugging resignedly. “It’s locked. We’re doomed.”

Suggestions

Chapter 10
 * No wonder, Cheryl thought sourly, you’re not wearing a fur coat.- Did you want to italicize her thought?
 * Cheryl felt a chill coming on despite the sweltering heat.

“You can read minds?” she stammered, staring wide-eyed at him.- Cheryl felt a chill coming on despite the sweltering '''heat. “You''' can read minds?” she stammered, staring wide-eyed at him.
 * We’re Torians, she thought, crabbily. What do you expect?- Did you want to italicize her thought?
 * I hope I make a big enough hole, she thought. Don’t want anyone getting stuck.- Same question as above

When he was immune to the venom I thought, "Oh, dang! I sure hope he doesn't win!" It's interesting that even horrible monsters care about status. After what he pulled, they definitely won't have qualms about slicing/yanking off his tendrils next time! I mean, if they were on the fence about robbing him of menacing body parts before...

The use of "Oh, Susanna" reminded me of a story from Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Do you know the story I'm referring to, or did you just decide that using an ordinary song in a creepy scenario would be out-of-place and thus foreboding? In any case, as you might guess, I enjoyed this story. I'll have to read the first part when I can. Good job! :-)