Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170201142604/@comment-31073921-20170201152035

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Capitalization: "...features; The only thing important..." You shouldn't capitalize after semicolons. Did you mean to use a colon? "The sound increased to an octave I never wish to know, and I knew It (it) was only a matter of time"

"He screamed something like, “Where am I?”. (period not needed)"

Awkward wording: "My sanity is the only thing I can keep in this room, so I must grasp upon it.", "I know that I must keep my silence, my humble way, not doing so would end in extermination.", "My name is not important, or any features" Who exactly would say that? It seems to be said for the sole purpose of not describing them and by saying that you end up drawing more focus to that issue. Why are they writing so formally/eloquently in this situation? How was they writing this in past tense if the ending suggests that they are killed by them sighing?

Wording issues cont.: "The walls were made out of speakers, and immediately picked up his sound" Speakers project sound and don't actually record it, you may want to change that to sensors or another similar word. "I realised my mistake the instant I did it, and my eyes (sic) bulged."

Story issues: "I will be let go soon, I can feel it." How do they know that? It gets even more problematic with this line: "I’ve been here for 6 days, and it’s only nineteen minutes and thirteen seconds more before I’m let go, twenty minutes before my 7th day." Why do they make that assumption? Has someone else done it? Is there evidence to support this?

Story issues: Plot holes. "I heard a bump" If they heard a bump, why didn't the equipment register it and magnify it? It's effective enough to pick up a sigh, but is unable to record someone falling into another room audibly? Wouldn't this have ended the story on this logic: "Every sensor heard that and continue to spit it out, starting a chain reaction." How are the receptors that selective and wouldn't any audible noise instantly produce an amplifying cascading effect that kills the person?

Story issues cont.: "I saw his eardrums burst, and red, sticky blood spray out." First things first, using saw feels out of place since the eardrum is inside the head. Second thing is that the eardrums is filled with cochlear fluid so they wouldn't rupture explosively like that.

It's an interesting premise, but there are issues in its execution. The change in tense ("I wonder that, as the sound grows louder and I shrink farther into the corner."), the awkward wording, and plot holes are a few of them. If this was more fleshed out, the plot holes were addressed, and the wording changed up to be more effective, this would stand a stronger chance of passing our standards. Thanks Empy, as always happy to see rsponces. This really shows how much I can acomplish when I put my "Mind" to it. You see, My Brother was a first draft, but I edited this 3 to 4 times. I'll keep going at it, and revise the new version. Thanks for putting up with my relelntless stories.