Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-26373030-20150621123122/@comment-26007602-20150621175508

Alright, here's what I noticed.

The second paragraph that describes the layout of the house isn't important to the story. The houses layout doesn't play into the events that unfold and isn't interesting to read through. I'd get rid of it as to not bore the reader.

The monster itself is very similar to Slenderman; the way he states, the tendrils coming out of his back, the narrators vision going blurry, etc. You'll need to work to differentiate your monster from Slenderman so the story won't violate the "no spinoff" rule.

You also use ellipses too much. They shouldn't be used outside of dialogue, as they just appear melodramatic and don't contribute to the story. I didn't notice any other big grammatical mistakes, so that's a huge plus. I would break up some of the larger paragraphs though, so it's easier for the reader to actually read the story.

I think the ending leaves a lot to be desired. The dude seems sane, why does he run away from his family? Because he can't face the monster? Can't he like, call his family or something? I don't know, I think the ending is a bit abrupt as there really isn't any build up to it.

Hope this helps!