Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25365080-20150607034414/@comment-25365080-20150607084644

SoPretentious wrote: That's a wall-o-text there. Separate it into paragraphs, try to aim for ten sentences or less.

Also: Hi, the paragraphs were separated. It's pretty odd that once I paste the article into the editor, all the original paragraphs disappeared...
 * ["Hello, misters." He (he) said timidly] Remove that period, check this page for the proper way to punctuate quotations.

Could you kindly giving me some advice on the story itself?