Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28299494-20160628152608/@comment-28420405-20160628154439

Hello!

This story has good potential. Right now, it feels a little "bare bones" to me. I liked the twist at the end, but thought the actual story could use some more attention to detail. If you fleshed out this idea, you might have something. As it stands now, it feels flat. Most of the story is contained in two paragraphs. I want to know more about this little girl. Make me sad when Rachel is murdered, or at least intrigued. I didn't have any connection to the characters, there isn't much building.

Also, you could add some more creepy elements throughout the story that are not just the little girl in the garage. Something scary could happen on the way to the house. Also, how did these parents choose this babysitter who does not know their address?

One more thought (I'm sorry if I'm rambling) -- the parents do not seem overly concerned their child was murdered. If I called the babysitter and was told "oh yeah your kid died, I don't know how, but they are dead" I'm pretty sure I would flip out, like a lot. These parents were like "oh really? that's weird. how did that happen?" That doesn't seem like a response a parent would have.

I think if you put a little more work into this story, really develop it, it could be something. It's a good idea, but not executed in a manner that evokes any real emotion from the reader.

Keep trying! This has potential :)