Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25346013-20140825053013/@comment-25558572-20140825064620

This was a wall of text, so I spaced it to make it readable. Please remember to correctly format your work before posting it here so we don't have to edit it to understand it.

First off, I thought the opening and some of the phrasing was really weak. You should never open up a pasta that sounds like you're delivering a minologue to the reader (with phrases like "Hello, my name is..." or "Good evening...") because it's lazy and gives the impression that the first part of the story doesn't even matter.

I felt like there was a basic plot here, which was good, but the story itself was rather poorly written. There were a lot of errors. The spacing is still incorrect and there is a lot of very bland phrasing, particularly near the end of the story. It feels rushed and more like the skeleton of a story than one that goes into detail and includes aspects like character development and setting. You need to slow this down and take more time to describe what's going on in the scenes.

The ending was also extremely cliched. I've read a lot of pastas with endings that are either "I'll never watch/play/read ____ again" or "Tell everyone now, because ____ is after me". This isn't scary becase it's overdone and usually isn't justified by the story. I didn't even understand why the "artist" was a thing to be feared, so the ending would have worked better if I did. But even then, I wouldn't reccomend ending any pasta on a cliched note. Endings are hard, but it just looks awful when a decent story ends abruptly or ineffectively because it disappoints the reader.

Overall, this would probably be deleted for the rushed feel and errors, but the concept seemed original enough to work. You should rewrite this (and take your time, there's no rush) and change the ending, and if it's proofread it will probably be allowed to stay. So this pasta wasn't bad overall, it just didn't use the potential it had.