Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33957951-20171215212855/@comment-24101790-20171215221006

While it's good you cleaned up a few of the errors I noted when I originally deleted the story, there are still quite a lot of other issues here.

Punctuation: You tend to forget to punctuate contractions and possessive words. "I was originally traveling to a family member(')s house", "the hotel was my best bet for a good night(')s sleep.", "I dashed to my car and took a few pictures of the other cars(') license plates before speeding off down the dirt road again.", etc.

Wording issues: "I found my self (myself) driving along a dirt road at about 7:00 at night.", "After just several moments of driving, I rounded the peak of a hill and saw my self (myself) staring at a small hotel", "I causally (do you mean cautiously/casually? Causally doesn't really fit here.) walked down the hall towards the lobby, but stopped moving right before turning the corner.", "The front attendant was not (no) longer absent from her post. (Additionally, this could use revision as the protagonist noted them at their post last night, just non-responsive", etc.

Awkward wording: "I don't know why I did this, but the whole experience last night had me feeling like something wasn't quite as it usually is.", "Her head spun around in a circle on her neck time after time, as if she was a toy and someone had winded up a crank implanted in her back.", "I could hear several pairs of feet rummaging (rummaging is the act of searching, it really doesn't work in conjunction with feet unless they're specifically searching the room using their feet) through what was once my room", etc. I would suggest reading the story aloud. Tensing issues: "I guess whoever is desperately trying to find me still thinks I'm in my room."

Story issues: "A little weirded out on (by) their lack of response, I just decided to take one of the room keys and pay for it tomorrow." This decision feels really unlikely to just take a key instead of trying to get their attention. I feel like you need to really justify this decision in the story to not have it be a sticking point.

Story issues cont.: I am left wondering why they're staying so long at the hotel. Their original drive is to sleep (which they do) and orient themselves, but after the first night it doesn't make much sense that they'd stick around especially with lines like: "My experience had actually traumatized me so bad that all I could do was lay in bed in the hours following the incident. At around 9 that night, I heard footsteps, muffled by the carpet approach my door." (If the event was that traumatizing, wouldn't they just leave instead of laying in bed with the unnerving element still in the same area as them?)

In fact, the protagonist does this multiple times instead of fleeing to the point where it really doesn't much sense (other than advancing the plot.) "It was already late, so I looked around until I found a workroom. I let myself inside, locked the door, and fell asleep." At that time, they feel like they're in direct danger so it comes off as odd that they'd fall asleep in a workroom instead of bolting.

Story issues end.: I can see maybe the PD having access to the records of people who passed away (although even that is a bit of a stretch as not all deaths are reported and linked to the owner. For example, when a friend's mother passed away recently, her cards, utilities, and licenses needed to be reported, which doesn't always happen.) "All of the cars belonged to terminally ill or deceased people." I also don't quite understand why the local police force would have people's illnesses on their records (Once again, unless it's reported, it seems unlikely).

You have an interesting premise, but this really could use a bit more work to clean up plot issues and fix up (more of) the mechanical issues.