Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5952769-20170125115538/@comment-28428152-20170331185114

Paragraph 34: The detailed listing of the sculpture's parts is a bit unnecessary as well. The specific pieces of metal don't hold any significance in the story, and it also bores the reader into skimming over that part. It also is a bit of a jarring break in character on the narrator's behalf, because while yes, tge narrator definitely has an eye for detail, so far it's been self-less in the attention's focus. So far, the narrator has made very little reference to themselves, and only casually mentions the sculpture in the introduction, showing that this person/thing is, while yes, creepy, selfless in what they pay attention to. And to suddenly become so self-centered as to provide an inventory list of the sculpture shows an inconsistency in character. I'd suggest instead using adjectives to describe the sculpture and to only mention one or two of the specific pieces, such as: "...was a hodgepodge of bits and pieces of metal, including a pair of handlebars and the hood of a riding mower...." See how much smoother that would feel?

Overall I think that this is a strong improvement to the orevious story, and I think how you provide different possible ways the sculpture is moving around is also pretty cool. But I think it could also use a but of polishing up before being published as complete. Keep up the good work :)