Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25547916-20150208202754

''Ok, so I wrote two slightly different versions. I'm not sure what I think of them, so any and all feedback is appreciated.''

Version One:



People rejoice! For today is the Sabbath, the day of rest, and this day has been given forth to us as a gift from our lord God on the highest, hallowed by thy name!

His blessed early morning light shines onto Charlotte’s face and she smiles to welcome in the new dawn. Never would there be a moment more beautiful than this. Never would a day so lovely as today come to pass over this child of god. Hallelujah!

Her morning drifts by in peaceful order, as Charlotte makes herself a modest breakfast and reads over her daily scripture. She spends her time until noon sewing and knitting, while the television plays vacant noise in the background. All in all, the weather could not be more agreeable, Charlotte observes, looking out her front living room window.

Perhaps a stroll is in order.

She meanders out through the warm streets, eventually visiting her sister. They enjoy a home-made lunch and spend the afternoon shopping around town. Eventually, Charlotte is dismissed by her sister, as her sister has an important date to prepare for.

A date on a Sunday, how scandalous. Charlotte shakes her head at her sister’s loose moral values and sits down at a diner for dinner. She finishes drinking her soda as the evening news comes on the air.

Feeling content, Charlotte departs from the diner. On the way out, she sends a wave to Lou.

Lou had owned the diner for as long as anybody around town could remember. He works hard, attends mass without fail every Sunday, and repeatedly raped his daughter in his cellar at night when nobody else was around. He chained her to the far brick wall and would shock her with a car battery until she submitted to him. Once she became impregnated, Lou drowned her in the river.

Charlotte passes over the river with a mournful expression, remembering how tragically Lou’s youngest daughter had perished in the stream.

It had been a lovely ceremony, though; the town had rallied behind her family to provide the support they needed in their time of need. Charlotte herself had been present at the funeral and had since always included the departed girl in her prayers.

After passing over the river, she approaches her own row of houses. Charlotte smiles sincerely to her next-door neighbor.

With a content sigh, Charlotte opens her front-door. It’s nice to live in a town where you can leave the front door unlocked without worry. It’s one of the many reasons Charlotte could never stand life in the city. A sleepy little town like this was the perfect place to be.

After a long bath, Charlotte sits up in bed reading. She closes the book and yawns quietly before turning off the lamp. She closes her eyes with the brief recognition of what a lovely day it’s been.

Hallelujah.



<p class="MsoNormal">Version 2:

<p class="MsoNormal">People rejoice! For today is the Sabbath, the day of rest, and this day has been given forth to us as a gift from our lord God on the highest, hallowed by thy name!

<p class="MsoNormal">His blessed early morning light shines onto Charlotte’s face and she smiles to welcome in the new dawn. Never would there be a moment more beautiful than this. Never would a day so lovely as today come to pass over this child of god. Hallelujah!

<p class="MsoNormal">Her morning drifts by in peaceful order, as Charlotte makes herself a modest breakfast and reads over her daily scripture. She spends her time until noon sewing and knitting, while the television plays vacant noise in the background. All in all, the weather could not be more agreeable, Charlotte observes, looking out her front living room window.

<p class="MsoNormal">Perhaps a stroll is in order.

<p class="MsoNormal">She meanders out through the warm streets, eventually visiting her sister. They enjoy a home-made lunch and spend the afternoon shopping around town. Eventually, Charlotte is dismissed by her sister, as her sister has an important date to prepare for.

<p class="MsoNormal">A date on a Sunday, how scandalous. Charlotte shakes her head at her sister’s loose moral values and sits down at a diner for dinner. She finishes drinking her soda as the evening news comes on the air.

<p class="MsoNormal">Feeling content, Charlotte departs from the diner. On the way out, she sends a wave to Lou.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou had owned the diner for as long as anybody around town could remember. He works hard, attends mass without fail every Sunday, and repeatedly raped his daughter in his cellar at night when nobody else was around. He chained her to the far brick wall and would shock her with a car battery until she submitted to him. Once she became impregnated, Lou drowned her in the river.

<p class="MsoNormal">Charlotte passes over the river with a mournful expression, remembering how tragically Lou’s youngest daughter had perished in the stream.

<p class="MsoNormal">It had been a lovely ceremony, though; the town had rallied behind her family to provide the support they needed in their time of need. Charlotte herself had been present at the funeral and had since always included the departed girl in her prayers.

<p class="MsoNormal">After passing over the river, she approaches her own row of houses. Charlotte smiles sincerely to her next-door neighbor, Maria. Maria had lived for several years next door and had just recently slashed her husband’s throat open with a shard of glass at the dinner table. She buried the body, tossed the tablecloth, and told everyone she knew that her husband was out of town on a business trip.

<p class="MsoNormal">Charlotte hopes that Maria’s husband is out of town for a while; Maria seems so much happier when he’s away.

<p class="MsoNormal">With a content sigh, Charlotte opens her front-door. It’s so nice to live in a town where you can leave the front door unlocked without worry. It’s one of the many reasons Charlotte could never stand life in the city. A sleepy little town like this was the perfect place to be.

<p class="MsoNormal">After a long bath, Charlotte sits up in bed reading. She closes the book and yawns quietly before turning off the lamp. With brief recognition of how wonderful of a day it’s been, Charlotte closes her eyes with just as the man steps out of her closet. <ac_metadata title="No Eye Hath Seen (unreviewed little pasta)"> </ac_metadata>