Fifteen with Fiona

Are you lacking in the looks department? Do you have burning questions about the great unknown? Maybe you're simply a thrill seeker or are just feeling bored? Well then, if you answered yes to any of these, then perhaps this will interest you. There exists someone who can help you to become more attractive, answer any inquiries you may have, or simply relieve your boredom.

The thing is, the person of whom I speak, isn't really a person at all. In fact, she's not even from Earth. No, she's not an alien, or anything like that. She’s a succubus, and if she is so inclined, she can help you out with your situation, provided you're willing to pay the price.

You can contact her with a simple ritual. Ever hear of a game called “Seven Minutes in Heaven?” Well, the ritual is kind of like that, except you'll be spending more than double that time in the dark with a demon instead if your significant other. For the ritual, you will need three things…

One candle, it doesn't matter what kind.

A closet, big enough for you to sit comfortably in.

Any kind of paint or ink, preferably red or black. Hell, a Sharpie should do the trick just fine.

First, clean out the closet of all flammable objects such as clothes or any other such things. In fact, you might want to clear it out completely, just to be safe. Make sure you don't have anything like a crucifix or other religious items with you. Next, draw a pentagram on the inside of the closet door. Now light your candle, step into the closet, shut the door and sit down facing the pentagram. If there is light coming in from the crack at the bottom of the door, block it with something, a towel or blanket should do. From this point on, I will refer to your soon to be guest as Fiona. This is not her true name, which is impossible for mortals to pronounce, but it is the name she goes by when summoned.

Look up at the pentagram on the door, and whisper the words “Come to me Fiona, I beg of you.” Repeat these words until your candle goes out. If Fiona feels like it, the candle will blow out on its own, and the ritual can proceed. If she's not in the mood, nothing will happen, and when your candle burns down to nothing, this means you'll have to try again some other time.

Keep in mind, you won't be able to see Fiona, and you have exactly fifteen minutes from the time the candle is extinguished until the ritual is complete. After your candle goes out, you will hear an alluring female voice whisper in your ear, “What do you desire?” It is at this point you should reply with one of two responses.

Before I tell you how to answer, just know that Fiona will take her payment immediately after you do so. No, it's not your soul, or anything like that. Although, when you pass on, this whole thing probably won't look too good at your final judgement, if you believe in that sort of thing. No, as payment, She'll typically take a quick make out session, or a quick round of sex. It won't matter to her what gender or sexuality you identify as either, she's not picky.

Please note, however, that this will be the most unpleasant part of the ritual. If she feels like making out, she'll force her mouth against yours, and wrestle your tongues for a while, maybe even groping you in sensitive areas a few times. This might not sound too bad, but the sensation in your mouth left by her tongue will feel like you just ate an entire bowl of ghost chili peppers, your tongue may even start to blister after a couple minutes.

If she decides to go for the second option, well, let's just say you're in for one hell of a ride (no pun intended) because she likes in rough. Like, rough beyond human comprehension. Needless to say, this will not be an enjoyable experience, at least not for you. If you manage to endure her payment process, she will proceed to grant your desire from the beginning of the ritual.

When she asks you what you desire most, if you answer “Beauty” (This is the correct response whether you're male or female) When the ritual is complete, you will exit the closet looking like a model. Any blemishes on your skin will have disappeared, and your face and body will be as flawless as a statue carved by angles. (Kind of ironic, isn't it?)

If you answer “Knowledge”, after she takes her payment, she will spend the remainder of your fifteen minutes answering whatever questions you may ask about the afterlife, such as “What kind of punishments are dished out in hell?” or “Is my uncle Charlie in heaven?” But be warned, you may not like the answers you receive.

After the ritual is complete, you will sense that Fiona is no longer in the closet with you, and may exit and go about you're life. One word of warning, if the closet the ritual in has a light inside, such as a lightbulb with a pull chain, do not turn it on while performing the ritual. Fiona really doesn't like it when mortals are able to see her, and will immediately go back to where she came from, taking you with her to endure unimaginable pain and misery forever.

With that said, good luck!