Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25059656-20161221100832/@comment-25059656-20161221134613

Jake888 wrote: The first issue I saw was the title. "Man" should get a capital.

Second, ' The back of the card was a list of “unregistered required requisitions”.' I think "On the back was a list of..." flows a bit better.

One thing that bothered me was that the story is too vague. Why does the protagonist not question a thing? Is he a robot? Is this in the future or the past? Who the fuck is the old guy and why did he not alert the camp of the proragonist's presence if he was on their side?

I think the unknown is the strongest type of fear, but this is too vague. I may be stupid and missing something, but I said this just in case.

"And before rations could be dispensed, the first order for assault." I would re-word this sentence.

"it[It] was as if gold was streaming down from the sky, splashing off the branches.[Splashing the branches? I never fancied a sun that reflects of branches.]"

"The day hardy[hardly] looked like one anymore."

Sorry this is a jumbled mess, I take notes and scroll back up to look over the story again. Anyway, if you proofread your story more and expand on it a little more. The setting, the charecters, you'll get this on the wiki. thank you for the critique. i will redraft. i actualy did this for an english mock, witch is why it is vauge and timeless.