Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35515534-20190602184445/@comment-9041013-20190602233630

too fast... too little... this has nothing.

~End of review~

Insulting? Yes. But it immitates your story telling style here.

Come up with something more gripping and effective and I'll let you have your "single paragraph" story. Until then, this won't fly far. It needs to be well thoughout. Immediate catch, immediate "reward" in the form of producing unpleasant feelings in the reader.