Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24946232-20140515225214/@comment-24927388-20140515234500

I think it was pretty good. I would change the part about her not being able to speak, because after you say she is unable to speak Pinky-Pinky responds to something she was never able to say. The way it is now, it seems more like the tail end, or the middle of a story. Not a story from beginning to end, this could be one reason it was deleted. There is no explanation of who he is, or why he is bothering mary. Which im sure you structured that way on purpose. It definitely seems this was just the beginning of maybe a series of pastas, or at least a sequel was to be expected. Its good writing, things are worded well, and they keep you engaged. I do feel, however, there isnt a story, or plot. this is more or less one event that can be neatly sandwiched in between the build up, and the climax. Add a couple introductory paragraphs to give insight as to who the protagonist is, or add more to the end and explain things here and there about who he is, and why he is targeting Mary, as well as finish the story off with what ever he wants her to do. Does she go through with it? Does what she have to do affect her negatively/positively? Are others affected by what she has to do? I think its a story with a lot of potential. I think it was a great concept, just maybe not a complete concept.