Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5306249-20191106050501/@comment-9041013-20191107183813

Jake, the story is good. It's pretty good, plotwise doesn't have too much problems other than a weird ass pacing that I couldn't understand. Other than that it's pretty good. Maybe the pacing was fine but the thing that is horribly wrong here is your insistence on using the wrong person to narrate with. Second person here doesn't work at all. I don't believe I am "you" (or you, given the chicago and the sort of speech the character uses) I get it, some authors used it. Here it's awkward and feels like you're trying to tell me to remember "tis fiction bruh" every second sentence.

A second person speech works well in horror when the situation is either really well descriped to the point where the reader has no choice but to be convinced they are indeed part of the story or when the plot is an easily relatable one, something like the every day routine going wrong sort of story.

Get rid of the second person adressing and kill some of the jargon. You speak weird (at least online) and it'll be muy bueno.