Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31700097-20170409010947/@comment-24101790-20170409052821

You can use other lines than "the demon said" like "it snarled", "the demon hissed", "the abomination grumbled", etc. Repeatedly using the same phrase can begin to grate on the audience, especially when it's used quite a lot.

"Also what I had in mind is these were people who were in Hell, and in Hell you can't really play the moral police and say "You're a pedo get away from me."" I would disagree and bring up prison as a counterpoint. Those people are all stuck in the same place and their crimes still influence how people interact with them. They don't necessarily have to shun them outright, but it feels unrealistic for them to all know the characters' history and have almost no reaction to it.

"This dagger was different from the other knives, "as old as time itself". It transcends time and space. Which is why only the protagonist was able to bring it." If the knife's able to transcend time and space, wouldn't it exist across realities and be on him all while they're using it? It doesn't really work as a set piece for making the protagonist realize that the events that happened were real.

I suggest using the writer's workshop and editing this post (revisions of this story posted to new threads will be closed for the sake and condensing content and ensuring multiple authors get feedback) for more assistance.