Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24970526-20141111215232/@comment-24056975-20141116025333

I apologise if some of this comes off harsh. You have a lot of work to do if you want to go anywhere with this.

notes:

Seperate this into paragraphs, it's almost impossible to read. I nearly gave up several times.

I don't see the point of the Monday night, Tuesday night format. Is this supposed to be a journal? It doesn't work for me, I'd prefer a bit of backstory and then the inciting incident that kicks off the plot.

Your English needs some work. I'm guessing you're still in school, maybe one of your teachers can help you with that part of revision. "We have off to school for the rest of the week" looks like it was passed through Google translate, and it's not the worst part in this.

You could really do to cut out the over-done descriptions and the weak metaphors.

The bit where everything comes into focus is a cliche and weakly handled. You're best bet is to cut it all and leave the creature's description vague. If it were a movie, the audience would hate you, but you have some leeway in prose. If you must keep it, I can point you to a place where it's handled well to use as a reference. Look for a Clive Barker novella called "The Hellbound Heart," in the prologue, I believe. You want the part where Frank opens the box.

Everybody hates the "all just a dream" cop-out. At least there's the hint that it's a looping cycle.

Things just kind of happen to the narrator after he gets out of bed. I feel no attachment to him or his dog. His dog is sick, but the story doesn't focus on his coping or trying to heal it. There's really no forshadowing of the dog's mutation, which would be a great help.

If I were to propose a way to save this, aside from paragraphs and grammar, I would suggest giving us a bit of backstory and some reason for the dog to change, then follow the kid as his dog grows sicker and ill tempered. Make it hearbreaking. Lose the all-just-a-dream and give us a real ending.

Or follow through with the idea that he's in a loop, and follow through the iterations as things change.