Talk:Just a Blackout/@comment-31077845-20170122064012

Hey, I felt useful for once, I made some changes to what were awkward/incorrect but still understandable mistakes (e.g. [fun fact for everyone, i.e. stands for "id est" or basically "in essensce" and e.g. stands for "examplari grati" or roughly "for the sake of example"] you called the lightning "viscous" twice. Imagining particularly thick, gooey lightning made me laugh), or saying, what was it, that she "saw with her eyes"? Yes, what else would she see with, her teeth? I still can't say it's that strong a story, and I don't know how Darrel murdering a dog and breaking into houses would do anything more than make him tell his sister "Yo, you better not tell anyone about this, or else" especially since if he used a specific knife and it wasn't with him I'm not sure what he was going to do.

Again, not a terribly strong story, and I'm...wondering if maybe English isn't your first language? But hey, it's an attempt, and you can't get better unless you try. Oh, and Darrel would also have to be a really bad criminal. Leaving evidence of your crimes all over the place and telling everyone "Now you have to promise, like, SUPER DUPER promise not to go into my room!" isn't the strongest method of concealing one's crimes.