Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24675373-20140925213006/@comment-25156307-20140927011214

Good progress! This is a setting with a lot of potential.

A few things:

1. Whenever someone new speaks, you should indent a line. Actually, just indent more in general. Your paragraphs are a bit long.

2. More description would flesh out the place and the characters. The initial description of the manor is good, but particularly once Madison gets into photographing items, it would be good to spend a paragraph or two at the start talking about what precisely is in this house (as well as the rooms she goes through). You know you're not describing enough when the main thing you've told your readers about the contents of the house is that they are "various".

For instance, a few things I'd like to know: In what room and part of the house is Madison sleeping? What kind of alcohol is in the wine cellar (e.g., 2002 Avia Merlot)? What kind of documents is Madison reading? What, in fact, is she photographing? These aren't necessarily questions you should answer explicitly, because they themselves are not important. What's important is that you need more to fill your world, and not just quantity. The goal is to give your world depth and color without being description-heavy. Whenever you can replace the generic with the specific, do it. You'll use the exact same number of words, but (at the risk of sounding zen) you'll be saying much more.

3. The "scare" feels a little too visual, too obvious. Though the image of a gaunt, inhuman face just above yours as you open your eyes would be utterly terrifying in real life, it's not enough to merely place it in a story with little build-up. You're on the right track by describing its proximity and posture, but its actions fall flat. Ideally, I think you shouldn't even see the creature until the third act of your story or so. Instead of having its main scare factor be lurking around in Madison's peripheral vision, have it start out more mysteriously. Madison notices that random items are moving around. There are weird, subtle noises at night. She finds a side room in the wine cellar with a ratty pallet on the floor. Her food goes bad hours after she buys it, or disappears.

Related: by mentioning that the old lady who lived in the house believed in demons and the supernatural braces the reader too much. While it's good to give some indication that all is not right in the world, you must do that in a way that is much more subtle than you have it. A viable alternative would be to have Mr. Fergison be an unsettling character in someway (and have Madison be oblivious to it, naturally). You should open with details that set the tone of the story, but you need to imply that there is evil in this place, rather than announce it.

I hope this helps. Good luck with finishing and revisions!