Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24987453-20141228203035/@comment-17385488-20141228220322

Grammar and Plot Issues

You burst out the gates with your pasta saying "He is still out there". That is usually hte worst case scenario is starting a pasta: Make the first sentence of your pasta someone or something that we do not know. It would have been a better idea to add some character development to this "he" instead of just stating "He is still out there."

"His body (has) not yet rusted, the battery of a heart is (has) not yet corroded, (and) the tubes that carry his bodily fluids have not yet ruptured."

Usually with a sentence like this, it has a certain level of poor grammar skills that can make it confusing to read when it is read aloud. Not that the last section "(and) the tubes that carry his bodily fluids have not yet ruptured." makes this sentence a run-on. Try to avoid using run-ons and read aloud your sentences a couple of times to see if it flows smoothly.

"For many, his name has become one of myth, a name known to many children, adolescents and adults in the New York Metropolitan Area. His story, changed by generations of adults and children, passed down from father to son, friend to friend. He is (has become) an enigma, a shadow, a distant memory. "

Again, there was absolutely no character development towards this "he". What does "he" look like? Why is his name so well known throughout the New York Metropolitan Area? Also, from "His story" all the way to "friend to friend" is all a fragment. It doesn't have a complete thought. Sure, it has a a subject, but what did his story do or is?

In the next paragraph, you start to give a historical background of how this "he" entity came to be. ("repurposed" is missing a dash. It should be spelled "re-purposed".)  So, in the 1940's (It is typed "1940s" in the story. Don't forget that it is supposed to be "1940's".), Perkins lives with his wife and his two lab assistants in a mansion on Roosevelt Island in New York City. Not many errors are found here. After that, there are quite a number of spelling errors and poor sentence structure.

1. "no one hadever (had ever) seen him leave the house."

Also, the sentence this is from is a comma splice. "He had his groceries dropped off on the front porch, and...(Change ", and" to "since" to make it sound more clearer.)".

2. "From a young age, Perkins had been facinated (fascinated) with the apendix (appendix), a small wormlike (worm-like) extension of the large intenstive with no known function."

3. "Because of this, Perkins hoped to develop a way of destroying the appendix without surgery, as appenectomies (appendectomies) were much more risky in the early 1940s (1940's)."

4. "After a period of extensive research, Perkins developed an injectable cancer (cancer that can be injected) that targeted (which targeted) only the cells found in the appendix."

5. "Dr. Perkins decided to test the cure on himself, as his wife and lab assisstants (assistants) were not willing to be injected with the strange cure."

After that last sentence, it would be a wise idea to separate into another paragraph, starting where it starts to explain what happens to Perkins after the injection.

"First, the appendix was destroyed,[.(Run-on sentence)] but instead (Instead) of the cells having been killed (being killed), the appendix was replaced by a black, gangrenous sludge."

You then explain within a two day timespan, almost all of his body was gangrenous and this his skin has become a black and vile substance ("Rotten" was unnecessary to add here since it and "vile" have the same definition). Perkins then realizes (You misspell it as "relaized" in the story (Correct: "realized")) that he has to act quickly in order to stay alive. He cuts out the gangrenous skin. Wouldn't that kill him?

"He cut out the gangrenous skin,[.(Run-on sentence)] and as (As) he did, green and yellow pus oozed from the knife marks, (Remove the comma) and stained the floor."

At the end of this paragraph, you finally explain who this "he" is: A man who has an electric motor for a heart, rubber tubing for blood vessels, and an iron skeleton. It would have been a wise idea to add this information to the start of the story and explain how it was part of an experiment gone wrong that caused him to have this appearance.

"In the mid-1960s (mid-1960's), there was a rahs of disappearance in Northern New Jersey..." The word "rash" is used incorrectly here. It usually means "done or made quickly and without thought about what will happen as a result (Source: Merriam-Webster)." Another error to note is that you are missing a comma when you list "Parsippany, Mahwah and Morristown." Whenever you are listing certain things, you ALWAYS have a comma after each item listed, including the one that is the second to last one.

"The victims (victims') bodies weree later found with rotten, gangrenous skin, similar to Dr. Perkins' (The rest of the sentence was unnecesary as it was already established beforehand)."

One thing I noticed is that you have people being afraid of going near "Ramapo Mountain", then say that the National Guard posted a patrol, believing Perkins was hiding in the "Ramapo Mountains". Did multiple mountains appear out of thin air to cause "Ramapo Mountain" to become the "Ramapo Mountains"? Doing some research, it is the "Ramapo Mountains", not "Ramapo Mountain".

"The New Jersey State Police that has [has(Remove "that" as it is incorrect grammar)] released this to the public to help find the man responsible for the attack at Ranapo Mountain (Mountains). The following events occured (occurred) on July 6, 2013."

The witness testimony was somewhat painful to read due to its run-on sentences, misspelled words, etc.

"It was about nine or ten in the morning,(.) and I (Remove "and") was walking through Ramapo Mountain (State) Forest. All of a sudden, I heard footsteps, although I saw no one walking near me,(.) and the [The(Remove "and")] park was near deserted (sic) at the time. As I continued walking, the footsteps increased until they sounded like they were right behind me. I spun around, (Remove the comma) and saw a man standing there with a needle.  I screamed and fled, but the needle scraped my arm.  As I ran, the man's sleeve fell, revealing a metal arm that reflected the (in the) sunlight.  I ran towards the interstate,(.) the (The) "man" always right behind {Behind you or behind something else?}.  As soon as I ran to about 100 feet from the interstate, the "man" took off into the forest.  I noticed the spot where the man had injected me had turned black and was about to fall off.  The wound leaked blood and yellow pus. A driver on I-287 stopped and took me to the police station. This is when he told me the legend of Dr. Perkins, a legend I now believe is true."

The ending was also a mediocre way to end the story. A lot of stories end with a warning to people saying to avoid a certain place and if they see anything suspsicious, they should contact the police. How many times have I heard this before? (One last spelling error: "reccomend" should be spelled "recommend".)

Overall Thought on the Story

You certainly had an interesting thought of a science pasta, but the amount of interest was discipated by the number of plot holes, spelling errors, run-on sentences, etc. My suggestion is that you take what I wrote down here into consideration when revising and proofreading the story. As it stands now, it is nowhere near quality standards and needs some serious work and revision.