Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28228332-20160416223938/@comment-34296765-20160419034031

Hmm.

Well firstly I'd like to point out grammatical issues, such as comma overuse, lack of apostrophes, lack of periods, etc. as well as that this entire story is one large paragraph. Besides making it easier to read, splitting stories into verses and paragraphs sometimes give a more suspenseful, ominous feeling, like something is going to happen in the next paragraph but you can't see it unless you read down.

I hate to be so critical but felt this story was very cliched: It's a simple "Triggering event causes random gory murder incident(s) without any backstory whatsoever" thing. I think you should develop more on backstories, such as Empy pointed out Phil's fixation on the color orange, why he has orange blood, why he suddenly went mad, etc. Also, you need to fix the ending. It seemed rushed in that it just wins some cheap shock points by a very predictable "eccentric guy dies gory death for no reason" plot twist.

Once again, I hate to say this but you might just want to completely change the plot - this one seems to overused and predictable.