Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25174721-20150724195100/@comment-24463401-20150724210607

To start off, you should really form your sentences into paragraphs instead of separating them like that. It keeps the story from taking up unnecessary space on the page and people's time by having them scroll down for each sentence.

To be honest, this story isn't really that interesting, to me at least. It's your run of a mill deep web story, which I've heard hundreds of. This doesn't really have to do with your writing ability, it's just that the internet is flooded with similar stories.

My advice would be similar to Whitix's. Try to make your story a bit more original. That means writing a story that doesn't revolve around selling of guns, drugs, organs, snuff films, etc. Sure, your story can still have these elements, but try to think of something outside of the box.

The sex slaves/organ harvester idea was kind of original, and that originality is where I see potential. Maybe try writing a story from there perspective. It'd be easier to instill horror in your readers that way. The right perspective can potentially make or break a story.

There are a few issues with the plot of this pasta. Try thinking of reasoning and motivations of your characters when you're planning out your story. Why would these people kidnap people who visit the site? There's lots of easier options out there. What's the point of driving around the country kidnapping random people and making them slaves/selling their organs?

This looks like it's your first story, and there's no shame in having your first story deleted. The important thing is that you keep trying. I wasn't even able to write a decent story until my 3rd or 4th try. Start looking up writing advice on the site. There's a lot of good advice blogs on here that I still read to this day.