Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20150918100511/@comment-25980905-20150919010835

Ok, I'm going to begin this little review with one phrase: Breathing, it's so hard. You'll understand in a moment. Let's begin shall we?

Overview:

Usually, I categorise my reviews into two section: what you did right, and what you did wrong. However, this story did compromise this method. I'll show you why now.

Your story began nicely, it was a line that can be used to hook an audience. However, immediately afterwards, it is betrayed by your use of '... a piece of pie...' as a plot device. One does not simply kill your blood relative over a piece of pie, it is both a fact in any evolutionary science and supported in Maslow's Heiracrhy of Needs. As soon as your character being thrown into a wall, becoming '...mad...' because of the pain, happened I just wanted to stop reading. I saw where this was going, another Jeff The Killer Formula story. And unfortunately, my hypothesis was supported by the rest of the plot. Enough on the whole 'it is obviously a Jeff the Killer spinoff' thing. There are grammatical mistakes, commas and capitals in wrong places. There are words spelled incorrectly, e.g 'flash' instead of 'flesh'. Your sentences are also most uncommonly long, it makes it hard to read out loud and there is no sense of pause where a reader can take a breath.

What I did partially like about this story is that your character tried to become normal again. Your character tried to hold a steady job and tried to return to the world of man. This went against the whole 'now I live in the woods and kill people with Jeff and it's great' cringeworthy cliche we see in most of these Killer Stories.

While I remember this one plot point, I'll write a quick response to it now. You mentioned in the story that the character '...killed a few cops...'. I don't know about you, but I believe that's incredibly difficult to do. Police, believe it or not, go through a few years of training before they are actually admitted onto the force. They have guns, and they know exactly how to use them. You won't find Hollywood gunfights in the real world, Police don't hesitate to taser or shoot a person they deem to be a threat; and they rarely miss.

Now I'm going to end this on a sour note, and I apologise immensely for that.

Your story is very hard to read, not just because it doesn't flow and the spelling and grammar is bad, but because your story's plot is very close to Jeff the Killer (a story that, on its own, is not a great example of what a Creepypasta is). The essentials of the plot being: character suffers betrayal from family members and/or friends, character went mad, killed some/all family members and friends/acquaintances, didn't get arrested, completely skipped all legal procedures, evaded the police and now lives a life as a killer without a care in the world. The use of a piece of pie in the story was humorous, and I chuckled. However, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you were going for. Overall, like most stories that follow this particular formula (commonly dubbed 'The Jeff Formula'), the story is unrealistic and not really all that scary/creepy.