Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37408328-20181105181059

1982
At the beginning of 1982, I was 6, My Sister was 9 only two months until she turned 10 years old, I remember how excited she was about the idea of being a decade old. She always expressed to me how excited she was to be bigger and stronger, because the bigger and stronger she was the more she could stand up to our mother and the more likely she wouldn't be totally beat but as intelligent as my sister is and was, sometimes her way of thinking was very flawed, but that should now be very apparent. I always used to get mad at Erin back then for saying our mother was a bad person, that she was abusive and a junkie. I of course at six years old had no idea what either of those meant, Erin shouldn't have known what either of those meant either, Erin shouldn't have known and done a lot of things.

I was born two months before my father was sent to prison for Tax Evasion and then later was discovered as a Drug Dealer and got about Ten years in Maximum Security Prison, On the outside looking in we should have been the perfect nuclear family an amazingly gorgeous mother and a devilishly handsome father and two beautiful children, but that couldn't have strayed farther from the truth, Erin was born when my father was 17 and my mother was a mere 15 years old combine the complications of that birth at such a young age and my mother already using hard drugs It would have been a miracle their first child came out with nothing physically wrong with them but that's exactly what happened.

Erin Yvonne Donovon Born on March 13th, 1972, 4 pounds and 5 ounces just because she was born 2 months premature but other than that nothing seemed to be wrong with her, well nothing was wrong with her that the doctors could see at the moment. Both of my parents dropped out of High School and got married my mother 17, my father 18 going on 19. From what Erin has told me even though I have no idea how she would know my father never wanted to get into the drug business and didn't even use drugs but they needed money so mother introduced him to some of her "Friends" and he started finally making money

He must have been successful because they decided to have another baby little ole me, I guess I should be thankful my father begged and pleaded to try not to use her drugs while pregnant with me, She did it anyway but never when my father was around so I guess she did it less a look on the optimistic side never hurt anyone I suppose. I was born November 24th, 1976 7 pounds 4 ounces born given the Name Joyce Annabelle Donovan,

Two months later dad was off to prison and our mother was at a complete and utter loss on what the hell to do, I guess since I'm still alive she tried the first couple years but eventually, she just gave in to her vices becoming a junkie who didn't give a crap about her kids, She rarely left her apartment only to get drugs, groceries were sent by friends of my father and the house payments were payed by them also but she did nothing to earn it, I guess my father really was a good man because he made sure his friends took care of us, My earliest memories are when I was about three, Erin a seven-year-old little girl dressing me, doing my hair, cooking me breakfast, potty training me, I'm pretty sure she taught me how to walk and talk as well, My mother was always either on the couch sleeping or slugging around to the fridge eating what we had.

At the Beginning of 1982, My father's friends eventually stopped coming less and less, so we would get new things only once every three months, and from what I can remember Erin always used to lock us in our rooms and rant how our mother ate almost all the food we had in less than three days but she always had enough food for me, Now that I think about it I don't remember Erin eating much of anything at all that entire year.

Erin always tried to talk as quiet as she could every time she would rant about our mother, but in the very rare chance our mother would hear Erin complaining about her she would shout

" I Hear You, You Little Bitch! "

When that would happen, Erin would stop dead in her tracks and you could just see the fear on her face come as soon as our mother spoke, And it became increasingly evident by every word Once she finished talking, Erin's skin would go pale and it looked as if she could barely stand, her legs would shake and her voice would tremble with fear but she would always say it in a way that wouldn't make me worry

" It'll be okay Joy, Just stay here for a minute mommy is just a little mad I'll try to calm her down "

Of course, I should have never believed her not even for a second, Because Erin never calmed her down, not even for a second, Erin tried to keep her composure as Mom yelled and screamed at her, I don't know how Erin handled it for so long if someone screamed at me as our mother screamed at her I would instantly burst into tears even as a grown women and I have been through a lot, Erin overtime developed a very snarky and sarcastic attitude and our mother absolutely despised attitudes like that, I think that's why Erin developed it, she loved to spite her, she would use a snarky remark and what I'd hear after that was not pleasant...not pleasant at all. A lot of cursing, A lot of pained crying, A lot of loud crashing noises

It would always end the same, Six year old me couldn't take it anymore and would go cry in the corner until it was over. Looking back maybe if I had done something maybe...

Our Mom would swing the door open and throw her In she would always have some sort of cut on her face, arms, multiple bruises all over her body, tears streaming down her face, she would lay there exhausted, In most cases she would immediately get up after a while and wipe away the tears as I'd go over to her balling, insisting she was okay and then she would tuck me into bed and tell me a story but one day in February she lay there for about Seven minutes as I sat next to her crying me shaking her to make sure she was okay but she continued to lay there crying

" Erin, Erin, Please be okay, Please Be okay ", I kept repeating this

" I need you, Please Erin, I need you ", I was balling at this point and I couldn't stop I thought she was going to die, I thought mommy hurt her so badly she killed her I was deathly afraid of having to deal with my mom without my big sister protecting me

She eventually got up and shook me off of her she slowly walking to our bed she jumped up on it and huddled into a ball and tears streamed down her face, I walked up to her and tried to comfort her like she had done so many times before

" Are you okay Erin "

" No! Joyce, I'm not okay " She snapped at me very viciously, it scared me, even more than mother did, Erin never talked in such a way, not to me

" I'm sorry, " I said tears welling up in my eyes despite what just happened I was still worried for my sister

Erin looked at my pained face and her face softened she wiped away her tears with her fist, This was the first time I truly realized how terrible Erin looked her hair was uncombed and clumped together, she obviously hadn't washed it in months, there was visible dirt in her hair and on her face the purple sweatshirt she had on which now that I look back on it was the only thing she wore literally all past year had multiple holes it one sleeve was half torn, her jeans had holes in both knees and both pieces of clothing were riddled with dirt, When I look back I now know why, Mother would yell if we took too long in the bath, she would always make sure I got the bath every day and if we took to long Mom would burst in and drag Erin by the hair and into her room, Erin didn't even get the chance, When Dad's friends came by to check to see what we needed she would always yell at Erin to stay in her room, Those pieces of clothing were the only ones she had

I climbed up our bed and gave her a hug, she looked at me and wiped away the tears that were in my eyes, she gave me a faint smile trying to act like everything was alright she saw that I wasn't convinced and her smile faded as more tears streamed down her face she shook her head and buried it into her arms she then looked up at me tears still in her eyes

" I'm going to kill her Joy, I'm going to fucking kill her " She was very serious I could tell by the tone of her voice she kind of growled with anger mid-sentence tears still rushed down her face but there was this look in her eyes a malicious twisted look, This first time I saw it, it sent a shiver down my spine and no exaggeration turned my skin cold. This was a look I would soon get very used too

" Erin, please don't hurt anyone " I pleaded with her, after repeatedly doing this to my sister I was convinced my mother was a monster but I didn't want Erin to hurt anyone, because Erin always kept me safe and was my protector I just didn't want her to get in trouble

Erin looked at me, even though the stains remained on her cheeks the tears had stopped now the only thing she had left was the malicious look in her eyes her fists were clenched as they start to bleed It was then when I noticed the glass shard stuck in her ring finger, I could tell the wheels were spinning in her head tears were welling up again she shook her head

" I have to do it, Joyce, I have to hurt her, I have to get back at her, I'm almost ten then maybe I could finally do it. Get us out of here " Erin's look was getting increasingly twisted she clenched her fists tighter causing them to bleed more

" Please don't " I was pleading with her

" I have to, just her then me and you won't have to get hurt "

" You'll get in trouble just like daddy "

" I have to kill her, I have to soon so we can get out " She looked at me with a look that told me to shut up and go to sleep and that's exactly what I did laying down next to her, But I remember staying awake all night, I wasn't afraid of my sister but I was afraid of what she might do

Two months passed and thank god Erin didn't try anything, But it was her birthday that month and before I knew it March 13th came, though I was the only one that remembered I had to remind Erin she was distant ever since that night and she didn't try as hard to take care of me anymore, she stopped giving me baths, she stopped saving food for me but she didn't take of herself either, I was confused about why she was doing this but she obviously changed from that night she wasn't talking much at all, Her birthday didn't change many things either she had no friends to invite for a party and mom certainly wasn't going to celebrate it, Erin decided to do something very rebellious today, she broke the window of mom's window while she was asleep and climbed the fire escape and ran away

I quickly followed her even though at first I was afraid of going down the fire escape but I needed to see what she was doing so I did it anyway and ran after her, imagine seeing two disheveled kids running after each other, one with cuts and bruises all over them, you would stop them and ask what happened right well no one ever did and both of us were too stupid to go to anyone to try to get out of it, Erin knew she had to I will never understand why she didn't go to anyone, maybe she really did want to kill our mother that badly

I caught up to her eventually she was knee deep in a backwater pond skipping little stones very aggressively, I could tell she knew I was following her she didn't even look back at me

" You will get in trouble you know " She this in a very cold way like her goal was she wanted me to follow her

" We both will get in trouble Erin, please let's go home before mommy wakes up ", I was  terrified but I didn't want Erin to be alone

" I know I'll get in trouble, I'm used to that Joyce, are you "

No, I wasn't that's what I was afraid of every time I did something our mother would be upset about Erin always took the fall for it always made sure I didn't get any punishment, But how she was acting I didn't think that was going to happen I spoke very meekly

" Well no "

" She deserves to die " Erin picked up a stone and skipped it across the pond

" Maybe not ", I said very meekly

" Why not " She looked at her shoes which were worn out and filled with holes

" Because she's our mommy, and you shouldn't hurt people, that's what you said, " I said, I was scared about this whole situation how she was acting

" That's what dad and mom said, but they hurt people all the time maybe they are wrong, " Erin said looking at the sand in her hand as it fell through her hands

Keep in mind I was six I was exposed to things I shouldn't have been exposed to but I wasn't put through what Erin was put through, I had no idea how to process any of this at the time, I didn't even understand what she was saying I just didn't want her to hurt anyone

" Joyce " Erin talked as she normally would this caused me to not be so on edge but I was still uneasy

" Yeah Erin "

" Is Mom a Bad Person "

I stood there confused, I kind of laugh at this memory when I only think about this, that's the kind of thing I should say to her, Even then I thought it was strange she was asking me this but Erin always had her reasons and I should always trust what she says

" Um... I don't know "

Erin looked at me I could see the look in her eyes again, my lip quivered a bit but her face once again softened

" Just, what do you think, Joyce "

I thought for a minute to not make her angrier I wanted to say what she wanted me to say but A 6 year old little kid still somewhat has a bond with her mother and I know how that ridiculous that sounds and now no I don't still think that way I hate my mother with every fiber of my being I just wish I thought that way before Erin decided to teach me something

" No I don't, I just think...She just gets really mad sometimes ", I answered this as quiet and meekly as I could there was a part of me that didn't really think this way but it was like my mother's influence was still over me, my voice faded as I said it

Erin looked and stared at me for a good ten seconds I could physically see her thoughts on her face go from confusion to disbelief to sadness to anger, she pulled up the sleeve of her purple sweatshirt to reveal the numerous cuts, bruises and burns I could somewhat see due to the holes in her sweater I cringed as I saw them and tears welled up in my eyes her mouth was gaping open as she shook her head even though it isn't what she was showing me I could see her bleeding gums and the large cut in the large gap between her two front teeth, she raised her other sleeve and her two pant legs, there were so many bruises and cuts and burns, I looked at her face again but it wasn't anger in her eyes it was a more sympathetic look a pleading look like she was begging me to agree with her, But I could also see her reliving the memories as she looked at each and every cut and bruise, every burn. I never even knew she burned her. She seemed scared, afraid and lost. Something Erin Donovan would never feel again she looked at me tears in her eyes and began to speak

" Joy, Please listen to me I may be little still but I do know that Mommy is not a good person, she's not, please, maybe it would be bad to kill her but she's not good I know that "

I don't know why I really can't remember my reasoning after seeing all the things my "mother" did to the sister that taught me everything for some reason and I still lay awake at night and kick myself for saying this because I think it led Erin down her path

" No, Maybe, M...Maybe we can help her, Mommy isn't bad "

I could see Erin's disappointment right on her face and I immediatly regretted everything I just said, I know I didn't believe that I mean I was a little girl but no person with common sense no matter what age could not believe someone is a good person if they do stuff like that to a ten-year-old girl. I couldn't have believed it right, I wasn't that naive. I could see the hopeless look develop across Erin's face she looked at me and slowly rolled her sleeves and pant legs up

" Ok " Erin sounded broken and lost on all hope, I didn't know why but I felt awful

Erin slowly bent down and picked up a pebble she gave me a pained look and then turned to the pond. She stood there for about three minutes thinking about god knows what the pebble in her hand her fiddling with it passing it to one finger to another. Her clumped up and unwashed hair flowed in the breeze as did her baggy hole filled purple sweatshirt. I could her take a deep breath in and she held it in and didn't breath out it was almost as if she was trying to hold her breath long enough so she could die but I guess she changed her mind she let it out and then began sucking the air. She looked at that pebble for a good 30 seconds and then gave it a toss causing the pebble to do a perfect skid across the pond and gave a sweet smile

" Let's go home "

Erin walked past me almost running but at a pace that allowed me to keep up, She seemed really anxious to get home looking back and getting irritated if I fell behind rolling her eyes and rushing me to catch up eventually we got to our apartment building, I went to go up the fire escape but Erin wanted to go through the entire building through the front door and up to our room, Our Mother's couch was right next to the front door, this made me anxious but I followed Erin anyway, Erin ran through the building the staff glancing at us but Erin went so fast no one could get a good look, It was very clear Erin didn't want anyone to notice her unkempt and bruised appearance, we got to our door and I basically prayed Our Mother was still asleep but as Erin opened the door, of course, she was behind the door towering over us her furious expression very evident, I was near tears I knew what was coming but not in the way I expected

" Where The Hell! Have you two been, " She said slurred and incoherent she was obviously high I, of course, didn't understand that

" Mom! Joyce ran out and I don't know why, but I couldn't just let her go out there I had to get her back ", Erin said this lie very convincingly, I guess lying to her came like a sixth sense she lied often and was very, very good at it but this was one of her first big lies

I stood there dumbfounded and at a loss of what to say wait, no that's not what happened why did Erin just say that

" Is this true Joyce! " Her voice boomed throughout the house and down the hall, Erin closed the door and looked at me, a very comforting look like she was assuring me that it would be fine, to trust her

" Um...I ",  I didn't want Erin to get in trouble but I sure as hell didn't want to get in trouble not with her knowing what she does, but my six-year-old brain assumed I would be just fine since I was little she wouldn't hurt me, sorely mistaken

" Yes " I answered meekly, Our mother looked at Erin, my lie for her didn't seem to phase her

" Erin go into your room I need to have a talk with Joyce "

Erin without another look or glance rushed into our room and softly shut the door, leaving me alone with her, I was so scared I still question why I didn't pee myself it was that bad I was struggling to hold in the tears but I still held the thought in my head it wouldn't be so bad

" I have rules Joyce!, You know them to don't you or are you that retarded! ", I didn't know the extent of how that word should hurt a person but by her tone I was still very hurt

" Are You! "

" No " The fear and hurt in my voice was very clear this seemed to upset her more

" No! Really cause you seem to be! " She screamed at the top of her lungs there was no way no one heard her, no way, I know how people just let this happen and never said a word, people never did anything

" You do not ever leave this house!, Ever! Do you understand you stupid little Bitch! ", Her voice echoed throughout the house I looked to our room door and I saw Erin looking, but she wasn't worried I could tell, she had this cold look in her eyes watching she was planning this

I looked back at our mother my mouth opened but no words formed and no sound came out just tears rolling down my face

Without any form of warning a huge force on my cheek knocked me to the ground and stung greatly I held my cheek crying I took my hand off my cheek and looked at the front of it there was blood and I could feel the blood rolling down along with the tears

" Stop crying! You deserve this I am the elder! The adult! you listen to whatever I say do you understand me! "

I went to nod but I guess I took to long

She went over to one of our cupboards and took out one of our wine glasses and threw it full force

At my head

It crashed into it the glass breaking as glass stuck into my hair I cried out in immense pain as she grabbed my shirt almost choking me, glass, blood and tears on my face she threw me into our room on the ground leaving me crying, I knew how Erin felt and that's exactly what she wanted

Erin was just standing there waiting she picked me up and sat me on the bed and pulled the glass out and no matter how much I screamed she didn't stop hushing me

" I'm sorry but you didn't know what I know " She looked at me like what she did was right

" But now you do, I'm sorry you had to get hurt "

She finished picking out the glass and hushed me she climbed on the bed and lay down, I cried all night, not from the pain but from the fact my sister intentionally did this, this was  to be the first of many torments my sister would put me through my sister who protected me for 6 years was for some reason a changed person

In August, Erin found two stray cats while sneaking out something she was now doing regularly and since I didn't go with her she never got caught she brought them back and gave me one I can't remember what I named it but I remember Erin never gave hers a name just called it "Cat" we had to hide them from our mother, She hated animals so our room reeked with animal waste over the next few weeks and this didn't make Erin very happy, In fact, she started treating these animals very harshly, kicking, throwing full force to the ground, making them fight It wasn't a good sign, It was next month were our mother announced she enrolled Erin in school she wanted to get rid of Erin for a few hours and all evidence of abuse were started to clear up on Erin so mother didn't have to worry about any charges, meaning I had to face our mother alone for most of the day but I had the cats and they kept me company so I was fine when she was gone and our mother was asleep most of the day like always

From what I understand and remember, Erin's Fifth Grade year was hell, adding on to the hell she already had at home she was made fun of constantly, but she was easy prey, Holes in all her clothes, she smelled and was dirty and the giant gap in her two front teeth was just a big flashing target, It was like our mother knew that she would be made fun of constantly and that's why she did it to make her life worse, I would watch for her to come home and I would see kids constantly pick on her, hitting the back of her head showing off their fancy clothes  and holding their nostrils closed  while making fun of the gap in her teeth and her bleeding gums, I always wondered why it took so long for Erin to do something about it, She broke one of the "popular" boy's arm, he was picking on her about her gap and she grabbed his arm and pushed on his elbow until it broke, I saw the whole thing he screamed in pain crying and begging while Erin continuely kicked him in the ribs smiling and laughing, eventually a good samaritan stepped in and walked the boy home and took Erin home, That good samaratian wanted a word with our mother and that's when he saw the state of our house, I came out and he saw the cuts on my head that's when he immidietly knew he without thinking grabbed Erin and me, me with the cats in my arms and ran with us, Erin ran even faster than he did, Our mother screaming behind him

Mother reported us kidnapped, The man reported child abuse and neglect, of course, our mother was arrested and tried and put in jail for Twenty years just in time for our father to be let out of prison, Erin pleaded with the court and the man who found us to go back with our father, Our father was clean and a model inmate so they agreed

It took a while but we did get back with our father, It turns out he already met a rich psychiatrist and we finally had a home, not a crappy apartment a home, every time our father looked at us you could see the guilt, Our father never even got so much as a speeding ticket ever again

Life was good, Erin always looked up to our father so she was thrilled, they let us take the cats with us, We seemed to happy and Erin was acting like my sister again

Father gave Erin an expensive necklace the first day we were back, and a pretty green dress she now wore every time it was clean, they also worked on her teeth and soon enough the gap in her front two teeth were gone, In the summer of 1983 Erin was going to move on to middle school and me second grade, It was then when I realized how pretty Erin was with her expensive green dress and her necklace, her hair perfectly done and her face cleaned up and clear of dirt and bruises, My sister was absolutely beautiful, Our mother never let her look like that, My sister was normal and beautiful, But one day our cats went missing and I couldn't find them anywhere, I asked My Mom, She said she saw Erin with both of them but she didn't know where

I eventually tracked her down to the roof, you see this house had rood access and Erin would go up there all the time, Erin was looking down at the ground, it was a big house it would be a long fall I approached her

" Erin, Have you seen the kitties, " I asked

" Yup " Erin responded in an upbeat tone

" Where are they " With how she responded I assumed everything was alright

She moved her mouth side to side and smirked a bit and signaled with her head to the ground

I rushed over there, I saw both of the cats dead on the ground one on it's back and one on its legs as if it were trying to land on them, tears welling up in my eyes I looked to Erin

" Funny, " She said with a sarcastic tone

" Don't people say they are always supposed to land on their feet? " she said nonchalantly and looked at me like I was supposed to answer

" Hm " She scratched her head

" I guess one did, but they say all, I guess people never really tested it " The sarcastic and nonchalant way she said this was terrifying

" Well I guess I better bury them "

She looked back up at me and I at her with a horrified look in my eye, her smile faded and she looked confused

“What?” 