Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29899777-20160907134529/@comment-24101790-20160907161339

Wording: "You had them in your childhood. You have them in your adult(hood).", "Debt you never thought you would them (???) in your death.", "Once upon a time there was (were) over 50 of us.", "We really liked her. Like every time the police investagitated and couldn't find the collpurt. No one expects a little girl." There is a pretty large disconnect here, was there any evidence to suggest the girl was the culprit? How does the dolls liking her have any impact on the police investigation? Using like as an opener suggests a connection to the previous sentence.

Spelling: "Debt (doubt) you never thought", "Two of them acutally. (actually)", "The toture (torture) began.", "Rosalie's father was the first to subcum (succumb)," Rosalie's brother was the last to subcum (succumb)", "Rosalie woke him up, completing (sic) of a nightmare.", "Like every time the police investagitated (sic) and couldn't find the collpurt. (sic)", etc. There are multiple typos and misspellings here that make it seem like very little time was devoted to correcting the issues.

Tense shifting: "Recently there is (were) 3. Now there is only me." The first sentence should be in past tense as that event happened while presently there is only one doll. "For the first month we watch (watched) the family.", "She is (was) always young. Between the age 7-9. She is (was) a happy outgoing girl. The best part is (was) that she likes (liked) us." All of those events should be in past tense as the story is in past tense and those descriptions aren't permanent (Is the girl happy and outgoing after her family's death? Is she always young? Etc.)

Story issues: This feels like you spent no time on proofreading. Lines like: "Now there is only me. Don't you wonder what happened to them? Let us (how can there be many if the narrator is the only one left?) tell you.", "Dolls don't sleep. We're ironic and we love it." How are dolls not sleeping in any way ironic? ETC. You need to do quite a bit of revision and re-reading here.

Story issues cont.: The story would also benefit from a lot more description. "The knife embedded into his neck. We dropped, and watched as he died. Next was the mother. She never woke up. The brother was next." Remember that this is the climax of the story, to have it told so perfunctory makes the story seem very uninteresting and un-involving to the audience.

Story issues cont.: The idea of a story where the doll is the protagonist and witnesses the abuse of a child at the hands of an adult has been done a number of times before. I can't find the story currently but it ends with something along the lines of "What can I do, I'm just a doll." Where that story focuses more on the dynamic of an abusive relationship, this one feels lacking in any real point. Why do the dolls give the family nightmares only to kill them two months later? What was the purpose? Why were the dolls buried with the family? "Yes, they had completed their missions. They could now return." What was their mission and where were they returning?

I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here and I don't have a lot of time to get into them all. I strongly suggest a complete re-write of this story if you're looking to appeal it because there is very little here that can be salvaged.