Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26496972-20150307154733/@comment-26496972-20150307164541

SilverDarkCureXZ wrote: "CELL 28 I am prisoner here." Comma after 28 change I am to I'm. "I like sports. But there has always been something unusual about me." Change period whith comma after sports.

"I hit the ground but there was no pain." Recommend comma after but.

"Then a voice said "Hello there. Welcome."   then I woke up. I couldn't move. Then I suddenly could. " Comma after said and change the period after there with another comma. Also change period after move and before then with a comma.

"Weird dream, I thought." Ya need these " " surrounding weird dream.

"just a creepy show where there was this family who had a stick for a child and some dude always wated to steal it" Misspelled wanted.

"I put the helmet on, and got on the motorcyce." Don't need a comma, also spelled motorcylce wrong.

"I started riding." Reword sentence.

"Cell One Cell Two" Need comma, also I think your missing a period since when in the next sentence was capitalized.

Thoughts on story

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I cringe. First off, isn't he in a dream, so how would the laptop work like that. Also if he was in a dream, he would of crashed and most likey would of died since he was riding his motorcycle, unless the whole battery life thing was just a metaphor for him being in a coma and about to pass away.

Idk, all I can tell you is that you need a lot of work. Consider rewording half the story. From what I can see the story plays out like a grocery list, except instead of commas they're there own sentences.

Also you have very little build up of anything that could be considered in the readers' point of view, scary. I also consider spliting paragragh 2 into two different paragraphs, it was starting to look like a wall of text. Super short, unless you were going for a micro pasta consider making it longer.

Really though, you put us almost immediantly through a 20 year skip with very little detail inbetween to show as the dreams progress. This just seems like an even worse story version of LSD simulator to me, and why would we "beware" of cell 28 if there was no detail or reasoning to show us about it and it's horrors. Oh my god. I forgot i was going to mention what happened to him because it was a dream. Everything you said in this i was going to fix but i fell asleep. But, anyway thanks, im not very good with I's and stuff but thank you very much. Thank you VERY much.