Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33756381-20181118014419/@comment-34823985-20181119001943

You've got a cool idea, but it needs some more detail. I'd also recommend stream-lining it a bit. I'll break down a paragraph to give some examples of what I'm talking about. I'm not a professional writer, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Then I was about to read hers when I noticed the weird message. (The character was either about to read it or they read it.)

It was almost disturbing. It read, “You should not confuse recklessness with confidence, Lauren.” (Maybe don't say it's disturbing. Let the reader decide for themselves. If you sell it right then it will be disturbing. Show, don't tell.)

Now this is a regular common fortune that I’ve seen before but when the fortune said “Lauren,” I almost flipped my shit. Lauren was my wifes name. (You already showed us what the fortune said, so there's no need to tell us again or repeat her name. You can cut out 'Lauren was my wife's name.' altogether if you want and just tell us in another way. EX: What's my wife's name doing in a fortune cookie?)

I made a cringe worthy smile and said, “You should not confuse recklessness with confidence, La--” I cut myself off. I wasn't about to freak my wife out about this. (Reading that entire fortune to his wife or letting her read it would freak her out, but he holds back. Your audience will get that. You don't really need 'I wasn't about to freak my wife out about this.' You already showed it, so there's no need to tell it as well.)

I was thinking that I could throw the fortune away and forget about it. (Show, don't tell. You could express this by Mike just shoving the fortune deep into his pocket or something like that.)

Like I said, you've got a great idea. Spend some time and work on crafting the story you want to tell. Read it out loud to see how it flows and don't be in a hurry. The longer you spend on it, the better it will be. :)