Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181117043002/@comment-35711173-20181117183601

L0CKED334, This sounds like you posted it here without doing a careful proof reading of it, like you were in a hurry. The language quality is below your standard. That makes it harder to read and far more confusing.

Here's my detailed issues list with the last paragraph. Below is your text:

-- I stopped going to work and from the last voice mail I received, I am unemployed. I cannot pay my rent without a job but I have a feeling that it will not matter much longer. I have started seeing the movement in my peripheral. They are watching me now and I have no idea how to protect myself. I started writing this in hopes that I can save someone else. There is something in the shadows watching us, something waiting for the darkness to allow us in. That fear you feel when the lights go out, it is not just your mind. The “Watchers” are waiting and eventually they will get you.

Here is my first quick revision. I corrected about half a dozen punctuation errors and a spelling error. Almost no words were changed.

I stopped going to work. From the last voicemail I received, I am unemployed. I cannot pay my rent without a job, but I have a feeling that it will not matter much longer. I have started seeing the movement in my peripheral vision. They are watching me now, and I have no idea how to protect myself. I started writing this in hopes that I can save someone else. There is something in the shadows watching us, something waiting for the darkness to allow us in. That fear you feel when the lights go out, it is not just your mind. The “Watchers” are waiting, and eventually, they will get you. ---

Reading the paragraph, I see several issues.

Half the sentences start with the same word. You have a passive voice in "I am unemployed." You can trim this. Below is a quick edit. The same thoughts are expressed, only in fewer words and with greater variety in the language.

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When I stopped going to work, they sacked me. It doesn’t matter. I have started seeing the movement in my peripheral vision. They are watching me now, and I don’t know how to protect myself. Perhaps my story I can help someone else. Something in the shadows is patiently stalking us, silently lurking for the darkness to allow us in. That fear you feel when the lights go out isn’t just your mind. The “Watchers” are waiting, and they will get you too.

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