Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-11203801-20160131190653/@comment-26399604-20160210002122

Hi Jonathan DeLacuso,

Below I separated pointers about specific areas in the story for clarity.

1: Summarize the parents.

The introduction about the mother and the father could have been summarized in fewer sentences. Originally upon reading, I thought they would play a bigger role in the story but they didn’t. I felt like you spent too much time on them.

The father’s part could have easily been summarized with something like: “He was a dead-beat father and husband, who sat around all day.”

The mother’s part could have been: “Finally fed up, she left him, taking her son with her. Even in the father’s absence, she was a kind, loving mother. She was able to properly take care of him later died after being diagnosed with cancer.”

It doesn’t have to be these words exactly, but the concept of a shorter introduction is all that is needed. Since the parents don’t play bigger role or reappear, you don’t need to spend this much time on them. Doing so slows downs the story a bit. '''

2. Add more detail/emphasis with the voices/figures.

The alcoholic depression scene, I thought, was a decent way to introduce them. In the scene, James is rattled by the faint echoes of whispers that soon escalate to screams of allegations. I felt that this scene lacked the necessary impact. This is a part of the story that you should be emphasized with greater detail.

This is the first appearance or rather encounter with them. For the sake of clarity, let’s refer to them as the beings. You should describe how the whispers sound; you could even go as far as to say their words were indecipherable at first – maybe even throw in a metaphor, “I heard whispers, faint, almost tickling my ears like a feather.” The more you describe how they sound, the better a depiction for us as the reader. Tell us how the voices sound – ''child-like? Coarse and dry? Layered, over the other making their words impossible to comprehend? Masculine? Etc..''

When he first catches a quick glimpse of the figure, describe more of what he saw. I know this is a brief moment, but simply stating he saw a figure tells us nothing. In those quick seconds, what kind of figure did he see? – ''tall, lanky figure? Short or fat? Was the figure all black? All white? Did it resemble an old woman? Child? Animal? Were any of its features visible? Etc..''

3. More detail/emphasis on dead body scene/apparition scene

In the scene where he finds the dead body, again, I did not feel the impact of the moment. I think a bit more emphasis on his fear at finding the body needs to be applied. Try to imagine your reaction if this was you in the situation.

The next thing I found rather off was the sudden appearances of the beings and the figure. I can see maybe the figure returning and maybe affecting the character to where he can now see the other beings around. If that was the case, it needs to be emphasized more, if not then it still doesn’t explain their sudden appearance with little to no foreshadowing.

4. Family kitchen scene

When James awakes from his nightmare, he descends into his kitchen to greet his family. However, he is surprised to find that the beings now look like his family and in fear grabs a knife to ward them off.

What I think the scene lacks is more distraught. James does try to tell his wife to back off, but you should include more lines where he’s demanding the whereabouts of his family. Remember this a man who adores his family and he is put in hard position. This should be a scene mixed with fear, anger and sorrow: tears could be flooding his eyes, his hands could be trembling, and keep what you have now which is his anger. For added measure, you could even have his perspective of the wife to not only be a frightening appearance but she could have a creepy, distorted voice that isn’t hers. It adds to the realism as to why he doesn’t calm down.

5.Overall

Overall, the story is decent, but it lacks in certain areas.

One, since this is mainly a narrative type of story, there needs to be more engaging sentences. I’m sorry to say but some parts were either too drawn-out or dull which made it hard to read through. I recommend adding more metaphors and personality to grant a smoother read. Also, try reading the story out loud (which is what I did), you tend to catch the flow the story better when you do, and any errors.

Two, there were areas where you had either awkward phrases or redundancy.

Example:

+Original: A company named Grahams Co., a real estate selling company, hired him as a ‘house inspector’

You used the word company three times in the same sentence. This can easily be rewritten, see below:

+Revised: A [business] named Graham Co. [for real estate] hired him as a ‘House Inspector’.

--

+Original: ''As he calmed down, James looked at his clock. It was 10 a.m. James smiled as he remembered that it was finally Christmas. The soothing smell of cooked eggs and bacon, spread through the entire house, easing James’ nerves. ''

+Revised: ''As he calmed down, James looked at his clock. It was 10 a.m. [He] smiled as he remembered that it was finally Christmas. The soothing smell of cooked eggs and bacon, spread through the entire house, easing [his] nerves. ''

Thirdly, check over the story because I noted several areas where it lacked punctuation at that end. I recommend pasting this story in Microsoft Word or any other spell-check related programs to catch this easy fix.

These are some of the areas I noticed:

+With her gone, James’ mind collapsed[.]

+ The house seemed to be completely ruined[.]

+ Instead of appearing behind them, those monsters had become them, replacing his adored family with their twisted image[.]

+ ''Instead of appearing behind them, those monsters had become them, replacing his adored family with their twisted image[.] ''

Next, although I wasn’t a fan of the poem, that part was the moment I understood the story more. Most stories in general tend to hint the underlying plot. I wasn’t sure where the story was going until I read that poem. Initially, there was the scene when he was drinking and the occurrences started, but due to the lack of emphasis in the moment, it still provided no direction for me. With a long story, you should at some point know/signify where the story is going. I would recommend more emphasis on foreshadowing on a particular element of the story (in your case, the beings).

The last note will be to use a thesaurus. This will help to utilize alternate word choices. In the story, I saw many areas where you used: looked, screamed, etc, redundantly. Some words are better at emphasizing the moment or emotion you’re trying to relay. For the word "looked": glanced, peered, squinted. For the word "screamed": demanded, squealed, shrieked.

Better word choices will help you grow too in your writing and thought process.

I know I listed a lot points, but these are the areas that stand out the most for me and take away from the story. Don’t take these pointers too hard; I’m bringing them forward to help you. Please let me know if you wish for me to clarify anything. I hope this helps. Happy Writing!! :)