Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5553246-20160103005946/@comment-24101790-20160103011449

Starting with the basics, the man is hiding in the basement from some unseen horror terrorizing him (later revealed to be a thunder storm). Why is he writing this story in such a prose-y and poetic. ("We treat fear as a weakness, a curse. Something we need to escape from. Why? What's to avoid? What if fear is an advantage? What if it is a warning, meant to prepare you for the day of your imminent demise from the moment you were born?") This also brings up the question of why he is writing all of this while he feels so menaced? It's not a natural reaction and since he's using prose and waxing philosophic it really feels off.

Story issues cont.: You go from a journal to a more active tale which feels very awkward. "All of the sudden, I hear a rumble up stairs." It really seems implausible that he is writing events as they happen in his current mental state. Then there's the ending, you really need to draw a connection and explain why the protagonist has such a fear of thunderstorms as the final blog from another character really feels out of nowhere due to its lack of explanation/build-up in the story. It feels like wrapping up a story with an epilogue from a character that wasn't there.

Wording issues: a lot of awkward wording here "I await the presence of a great evil who lurks upon my home.", "Only heard by it's (sic) maniacal scream.", "I can't afford death, at least not today", "After this day you will remember me not an underdog, but as a god.", "But I can't let this be my ultimatum.", etc. There are a lot of fragmented sentences as well that really should be compound sentences. "No.", "Not one.", "It's here.", "So go ahead monster.", etc.

Grammar/spelling: it's=it is, its=possession "it's maniacal scream", "tone in it's voice,", etc. Spelling issues. "I must persevere at all coasts." Punctuation issues: there are a number of times where you forget to put a comma where there are pauses in sentence flow. A trick I learned is to try reading your story aloud and when you come to natural pauses, it's likely that you use punctuation (Comma, semicolons, colons, periods, etc.)