Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26535938-20150626230942/@comment-26007602-20150626235615

First off, this could use a proof read. There are multiple grammar issues including spacing after punctuation, improper use of punctuation, capitalization, and sentence fragments. You'd need to seriously look over this to find those issues.

But I'm interested in story.

The first paragraph is... uncomfortable, but not in a good way. I don't really want to read about a young boy discovering porn, and while you do a good of describing his reaction to it, that doesn't make it enjoyable to read. This isn't a porn site; we don't want to read about how horny a character is getting from looking at porn. In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that this is the first time a fifteen year boy "had a tingling sensation". There's no way this kid didn't hit puberty before fifteen.

The character development here is pretty poor. So this kid looks at porn for the first time and suddenly views all women as pieces of meat? I get he was possessed by the porn demon or something, but this change is pretty abrupt with little rhyme or reason. The fact that he watches a "CP" video (I don't even know what that means; child porn? Don't use child porn in your stories. That itself will get the story deleted) and suddenly feels like he's going to rape a child is also ridiculous. Why does he watch this video in the first place? To prove he won't like it? Ridiculous.

There's no build up to the porn demon (The porn demon just isn't scary either; it's difficult to combine porn and demons and have the result actually be creepy) and the story relies on "child porn shock value." The ending also invalidates the story: how can he tell a story in past tense if he's dead? The fact that this guy feels like he's becoming a pedophile and immediately decides to kill himself is also ridiculous.

I'm sorry, but this story is just... awkward to read through. It doesn't make me uncomfortable because of the content, but because it makes me think, "Dude, what were you thinking when you wrote this?" You didn't describe anything explicit, so that's a plus, but the implications of this story, lack of character development and sensibility, and grammatical errors are why this story was deleted.