Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25254573-20150117215151/@comment-25913561-20150118115616

Hello Kitten Sarah,

I just wanted to pop a little comment here and suggest a couple of things...

Firstly, I agree with Umbrello on the changes and issues so far, as this is a first draft it is a good time to get feedback :)

I wanted to say that as the bullying thing has been done a lot, and while people often experience bullying and will sympathise with it, it also means it needs to be that much more unique. I understand that this boy is a bit of a social outcast, but perhaps there could be something to him that not only gives more strength to why this is, but also gives the reason for the bullies suddenly wanting to kill him.

For a rough example; let's pretend this boy has some kind of birthmark on his face, so he gets bullied for it and doesn't have any friends, he yearns for a friend and tries hard to make friends, but people just find him so repulsive they bully him instead.

Now, maybe one day the boy expresses some kind of talent, it could be anything, but this talent makes the bullies want to kill the boy. Maybe he is great in a certain sport, maybe he's a talented musician, an artist, maybe he does something that makes him famous among his school members (this could be anything from saving someone from something or finding something someone has lost or perhaps discovering something).

Jealousy is often a driving force that makes bullies seek to really do some damage, maybe the bullies don't originally intend to kill the boy, they just get carried away. Of course, you could always have the boy help the bullies in some way.

Maybe he pushes them out of the way of an oncoming car, or points out a fatal error in their homework, or witnesses someone stealing their bike and gets it back for them. Bullies generally don't enjoy favours from someone they're picking on, so this would also work in many ways.

So the bullies attempt to kill the boy and mysterious girl saves the day. But, why?

perhaps she is also someone lonely who yearns for a friend, perhaps the boy did her a favour and she wanted to repay him, perhaps the reason he is now famous somehow involves the girl, or perhaps this is just the start to the first friendship for this boy.

Basically, all my ramblings and suggestions aside, this story just needs more direction. Also grammar and spelling go a long way so be sure to worm out the present errors in those areas :)

All in all this could certainly be another great story, try giving it some more flavour and hit us with a reviewed version :D

Looking forward to it! Best of luck :)