Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24859608-20140515191030/@comment-24859608-20140515194613

Resident DeVir wrote: There are a number of grammatical mistakes I think you'll spot when proofreading. You use "you're" and "your" interchangeably. Some of the phrasing is awkward, "I told him I will find something to kill and you kill it." Also, some of the ellipses aren't necessary.

As for the story itself, I find it odd that of all people to spare, Gunner chose the narrator. It's also odd that he has such insight as to what's going on in the outside world. I also cannot for the life of me figure out how a kid managed to kill hundreds of people.

As for the narrator, why didn't he ask Gunner to run for some help? Why did he wait for a month, relying on some child's help to survive. Gunner said the radiation was controlled, so people should be able to walk outside, and come to help.

Also, I'm confused about the "Who am I kidding." comment after the supposed hoax. Did the world leaders in fact lie, or was the narrator trying to fool the reader? Either way, it's odd.

About him swallowing the handful of pills in an attempt to commit suicide, the thing about pills is that they don't work instantly. He would have to wait somewhere in the vicinity of an hour for the handful of pills to kill him, giving Gunner plenty of time to do his grim business.

The final thing I'm going to comment on for now is the ending. I don't like "It was all just a dream, right?"-endings, and I really think you should reconsider that.

Anyway, you have your first draft. Now you can work on improving it. Yeah, ok I think I am going to change that ending..