Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26487192-20160812084129/@comment-29598598-20160813044642

I understand that what you were going for with this story was that it was told from the perspective of Lucifer the night before he rebelled and turned into Satan, however, the biggest problem (in my opinion, at least) is that you made it a little too obvious. I appreciate how you were trying to be subtle with the story in an attempt to lead up to some sort of climax/twist, but it was not executed very well. There is virtually no plot progression with the story and it is quite short. Stories as short as this usually need to have some kind of twist to compensate for their lack of length (i.e. "Mother's Call"). However, the "twist" I see you were going for here was too easy to infer as a reader, mostly because of the "It is good" (as it is written in the Bible "and God saw that it was good" after he created a part of the world), the fact that there is a "them" (multiple beings) being created, and how the narrator says he is dissatisfied with his father and he wants to "show him the error of His ways". Additionally, the quote you inserted at the end came across as being there to serve as a "this is what it means in case you don't get it" tactic. You may want to improve the subtlety of the story and make it more vague as to make it not as obvious as that this is about Lucifer (this would include, at the very least, removing the quote at the end of this story). I hope my review has helped you at least somewhat. Best of luck for you with your future stories.