Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5239282-20140601191419/@comment-5239282-20140602184507

WaveDivisionMultiplexer wrote: I like the idea of the poem, really, but the fact that it followed a very simple aaa-bbb scheme made it sound rather flawed. And it isn't like the scheme is definite; it just changes without a warning. Suddenly, instead of three lines that rhyme, you have two, or even seven! And that bothered me, because I sort of sing-along poems. Then suddenly, I find that there's too many rhymes here in this paragraph and too little here and oh my god what is happening.

Secondly, maaaybe you'd want to keep a somewhat definite amount of syllables in selected lines (after you arrange them in equal groups), just so the sing-along bit becomes easier. For example:

What about you?

To glide on in ignorance or embrace the mourning air on your descent:

The choice is yours.

How I read that:

What

about

you?

toglideonignoranceorembracethemorningaironyourdescent

The

choice

is

yours.

And from what I read, I feel you are trying to express how flawed our belief system is, and how things, strong things, that we build our lives on, eventually crumble. Like the government, god, yada yada. What I didn't understand what the middle bit with the war and the lone child. Maybe you could clear that out a bit. So make it more uniform and separate a few stanzas to make it more clear. I suppose I can leave the ending alone as it's basically a moral proposition.

It's a little more than just "everything we care for will be erased." The last few lines about death "killing" itself implies that it will not stop until all memory of us -- and the possibility of new life in the future -- is gone.

I included the war and the child anecdote as a way to illustrate how humanity would end: through conflict between corrupted governments. The child survives, but lives in the company of bad influences (the whore). It effects him mentally, conditioning to a violent and hateful lifestyle. The child has been given a taste of hate as an emotion, and will now learn to exercise that.

It's a destructive cycle that will corrupt all children, fueling life's end.