Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5321651-20150205055815/@comment-5321651-20150205073101

Natalo wrote: Let's start with my grammar nitpicking :)

"no one really knows what happens when you disobey The Leader, although, no one is that keen to find out…" - I think this would flow better if you made this into two sentences because the sentence is so long already. Again, I'm nitpicking but...

" As The Leader walked toward the suspended cage, 400 metres below ground, the power swimming out of the cage was immense." - The word 'cage' is a bit redundant. Try replacing the second one with 'it'.

" Clearly visible, the translucent purple mist was fluorescent, providing the room completely basked in red light some sort of diversity; at least in the central area." - Sorry for being a bit harsh, but I honestly have no idea what happened in this sentence at all.

" Red lights lined the wall on all four sides of the wall," - Redundancy of the word 'wall'.

" undoubtably" - I believe you meant 'undoubtedly'?

Okay, with that out of the way, we can get onto the plot. Seeing as this is a 3 part story, I can't really say that you've left things unanswered. This story could be longer and you could try to make it more detailed and elaborate, leaving the ending up to the reader's interpretations. It's well written, and it is creepy. Who is the Leader? What is he? What is he doing? That kind of thing is good. I just hope there is some more clarity in part 3!

Overall, you've done a good job. This took a turn that I never saw coming. Kudos to you for that. I enjoyed it. Can't wait to find out the truth in part 3! Thanks Natalo! I removed that purple mist stuff and replaced it with something else, and fixed everything else that needed fixing.

I really hope you enjoy the third one. It might be longer than the first two and I've added a really big twist.