Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20150514195137/@comment-26364137-20150515121334

First, some spelling and syntax corrections:

1. “Normally on a weekend, I would spend the time sleeping it away or watching, which of...” - watching what?

2. “... my mother promised to cook a bring breakfast tomorrow for me.” - rewrite this sentence

3. “...there were several faint gray Inverted crosses on the side of his hood and...” - wrong capitalization of Inverted.

4. “Was this guy apart of some twisted religion?” - a part, not apart.

5. “My mother let out another lout shriek when the man had the gun in the direction of my 1year old self.” - loud instead of lout, space between 1year.

6. "Why did he break- in to begin with? - break in instead of break- in

7. “He clearly did not want anything from his parents.” - since it is written in 1st person, it should be my parents.

8. “Thought comforted me a little for I didn’t want to be alone.” - the/this thought, since/as/because instead of for.

9. “After eating, I thanked them for the meal promised I visit more often.” - and promised I would visit more often

10. “I was about to turn my car ignition on until I heard my phone ran; it was my boss.” rang instead of ran.

As for the story/writing:

I find your language and way to write above average compared to other creepypastas on this site. I don't feel that the story is being dragged out because of this, since I enjoy your descriptions and the narration of the protagonist. Well done!

The plot is kind of creepy and disturbing, however, I feel maybe the ending is a bit too vague. Don't get me wrong, I really like open endings, but maybe give the readers a tad more explanation of this independent church or something. It leaves alot of heavy questions, for instance; Is he going to travel back in time? How?

Maybe I quite didn't understand the ending, so feel free to explain if I've misinterpreted something.

All in all, I really like your writing and your story is quite solid. However, the ending seems a bit vague for my taste, but other than that - great job! A bit more work on this, and I think it will become a quite formidable tale. I hope this helps, good luck!