Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20150217025844/@comment-26007602-20150221210650

I haven't read your other story, so that might explain some of my confusion. Also, this review will probably jump all over the place, as I'm collecting my thoughts.

This story is well written enough a and definitely has a nice flow, but it just makes no sense to me. I like to believe that sequels should be able to tell a legible story on their own, and maybe this does, but I am just not getting it.

From what I understand, this is some inter dimensional summer camp? I think...? I honestly would not have known if you didn't flat out say it.

You introduce so many characters at once, but none of them play into the story enough to warrant a name or a description. What the hell is a Korrigan boy? Is it a last name? A family title? And what the shit is a Tullagaq? This is explained in the prior story, right?

The beginning scene is strange. You introduce Russell, and then immediately flash back to how he got there. That'd be fine, but it's just not interesting. Maybe he's a character from the previous story, but I honestly could not care about his familia affairs if they don't play into the story. Also he seems really, really bitchy. That put me off a bit, because I didn't really like him as a character. That's not something you have to change though; just giving you all my thoughts.

The flashback actually explains very little. I don't know where our character is and I really don't know who else is with him.

Also, why is Nates only character trait being a brony? It just doesn't seem important enough to say over and over again.

What the hell is this Doctor Doodle thing? I don't get that part.

Everything except the last quarter of the story is completely devoid of tension or creepiness. I think you need to introduce the creature/lurker earlier. There's nothing for us to be unnerved by, and of the reader isn't interested in the setting, then they'll stop reading very quickly.

Is one of those people a centaur? How the hell did they get into a tree house? They're in a tree house, right?

The lurker just isn't that scary either. It has a nice description, but they're at some weird summer camp where everyone is like that right? Why is this thing the threatening one?

It's a nice concept, one that may actually make a better short story than a creepypasta, but I just didn't understand this story.