Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24475920-20150307005910/@comment-24976741-20150307013205

Pretty good story if this was your first attempt, there are things you need help on, not too major, but still needed.

I noticed that you seem to be having trouble putting commas down, for example:

"not an exam no. But the test as to whether they are a worthy human." replace period with a comma.

"She was only sixteen and yet so much rested on that date on which the most important exam would take place." Comma needed after sixteen.

"It was almost as if her brain had leaked all of the vital information needed for this exam. Exam day." Replace period after exam with a comma. Also I think you may need to reword the ending of the sentence.

The only problem I have is after this sentence. " He stabbed her right in the stomach and she screamed as he lifted her off her feet, high into the air." I don't know why, but for me I felt like I already knew what was going to happen and felt something die a little inside me, and not in a good way like the story is suppose to do. After that it become a little less for me and I just kinda sighed when she was starting to get stabbed a lot in the arm and the over meantion of blood.

But like I said, that was just me, don't know what others may think.

Personally I can relate to the character all the way until the point were she starts seeing the white corridor with words (which was a very nice spin on things in my opinion). I'm also 16 and I know how math can be, it's the hardest subject for me to comprehend, everything else I kinda just bat an eye at and finish it with no problem.