Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180615171904/@comment-35973449-20180626234818

Bloody,

Why did you mention that the character was a soldier? It doesn't relate to the story. It's sort of just out there. Civilians don't understand unless it's explained to them. What did the character do that caused him to develop certain habits?

There are some grammar mistakes I've noticed, mostly in lack of spaces between words. There are some extra added words that don't need to be there.

For example:

“Turning off the lights in the lights in the living room rest” consider rephrasing this please. Perhaps, “I turned off the lights in the living room.”

And,

“I've closed my eyes and got a few moments of peace” It sounds clunky because the continued statement is in past tense, “only for that feeling of something, just something being near me to hit me once again, I shot my eyes open and nothing was there still.”

And

“I've spent the rest of the night huddled with the bat close to me” Again, mixed present tense with past tense.

Consider using synonyms please. You mention “shot,” twice in the same paragraph.

You have pretty good word usage and description.

The story isn't bad it's intriguing. I find myself wanting to know more. Why is he suddenly having these visions and dreams? Why is he startled so easily? Did something happen to him to cause all of this?

I think it's a good start. You might want to slow it down a bit. The Victorian figure is there and suddenly gone without much time for a reader to reflect on. Draw out his fear and paranoia. Make the figure to be a final nail in the coffin. Yeah, I had to toss in a cringe worthy cliché! Hah, sorry.

Personally, I don't think that you should give up on this one. Take some time to pick through it.