Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20150923200641/@comment-25980905-20150926002304

Why hello again! Let's begin shall we?

Overview:

Again, I'm not going to go too in depth with this review. This review will certainly be a lot longer than the one I did a mere hour or so ago. Without further ado, let's start for reals.

The story was easy to read, and it did not require me to begin blasting my motivational music to get through it. Though there were moments that really did drag on for longer than they should have, it was overall a nice enough read. I would recommend maybe looking at the length of sentences and how they can impact the tone and atmosphere of a text.

In the terms of the story's overall atmosphere, it was more sad than creepy. This person's life had been ruined and all of the people they knew resented them. The Antagonist (Mr Wink) also appeared to be so 'this has to be creepy' that it/he just wasn't creepy. Allow me to explain, you threw in so much description of things that could be scary to subjective audiences (i.e. spider teeth, the multiple eyes, the vomit, the tendrils, etc.) in order to derive fear that it had the complete opposite effect. Another point to add in this specific section is the use of molestation and rape in order to illicit a reaction (most likely fear) in the reader. I found this distasteful, but that is my own subjective opinion which may vary for other readers (I won't elaborate any further, we would be here for days).

Your characters, aside from the protagonist and antagonist, were also very two dimensional. The parents were stereotypical horror story parents and served only the purpose of creating plot development and accent the abandonment of the protagonist. The sister also felt as though she had been thrown in just for the sake of the protagonist's development, she herself had no development of her own and she really had no reason to be in the story. I'm not even going to touch on the cat in this story, the pieces are there. In regards to realism your protagonist, no matter how tough or mentally stable, was a child when the majority of this all happened. I didn't read anywhere in this story that the protagonist screamed for their parents, and their was no justification of why this would be. Children naturally scream for their parents when something is wrong, if there was a real life monster in their bedroom they would scream at the top of their lungs.

The story was nice to read, being completely honest. But it does also have a few grammar, spelling and sentence errors that I'd like to point out. First of all, using capitalised words (EVER and FIGHT) is not acceptable by the Wiki's Quality Standards, especially in the context in which you used them. I would recommend using italics which can be created by putting two apostrophes on both sides of the word or sentence being italicised. In regards to grammar and overall spelling: '...His face was the worse...' => 'His face was the worst.' (and even still, this is a sentence fragment and not an actual sentence). You have also missed various words such as 'a' throughout some sentences, making them appear to be more in notation form than narrative structure. There were also times when it appeared as though you couldn't decide whether Mr Wink was a 'he' or an 'it'. I also picked up on this in the story: "hand………". This is an excessive use of elipses/periods and is not allowed by the Wiki's Quality Standards. On a final note of sentence formation, it appears you have done the exact same thing in this story as you did with the previous story I reviewed (in regards to rewording sentences).

There are also many different issues time wise in the story, especially in that part before '10 Months Later'. It just feels wrong that in this particular section you put 'today' when their is a section for an event that happens 10 months later.

The story's ending was a pick me up from the sadness of the rest of it. However, it is more of a hero story than a Creepypasta. It ends with the protagonist receiving powers (?) and deciding to save children from '...The Harvester[s] of Children...'. A textbook superhero.

To conclude, the story wasn't exactly my flavour so I'd definitely recommend getting a second opinion for the best possible results. The story wasn't creepy, but it was dark and sad. The flow of the story was relatively good, but it was damaged by various errors in sentencing and such. I look forward to reading the edited version of this story and/or your response to this review.

Good luck in your writing adventure!