Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44605280-20200204202423/@comment-26399604-20200204205929

I'm going to post my reply here that way the comment doesn't get deleted with the blog.

From what I see, it looks like you're trying to make a journal style story. Before we can really talk about the story, the biggest issues I notice at first glance are a great deal of run-on sentences, lack of punctuation, inter-capitalization. These basic issues are turn-off for most readers because it makes it hard follow.

In regards to story, it is very rushed. You mentioned it took 30 minutes to write, and unfortunately, it does show. Ideally, you want to take the time to plan-out your story, write it, and then revise it. The story has the main character breezing over what is conceived as important elements nonchalantly (killing their wife without a second-thought, being trapped while nuclear bombs are going off, eating decaying bodies, etc.)

The overall idea--an organ harvester during the later 60s-- can make for a interesting story, but you need to take your time with it. Let the story and its characters breathe -- flesh it out. We don't have a reason, or a chance really, to connect or care with him through the story. You jump to new events so quickly that I barely remember what the last thing was.

My suggestion is that you take it back to the drawing board and really brainstorm the kind of story you want to tell. Make the character and his actions believable. Right now, he seems like a mad, jerk scientist. It'd be more believable if he was, for example, a man known to be swallowed in his work, but is forced to do horrible things like kill his wife on threat something worse happening to her, and doing what he believes is a mercy kill. It's rough example but at least we can understand.

Writing takes patience and thick skin. Don't get discouraged and always fight to improve!

Hope this helps!