Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20181203115538/@comment-35711173-20181203172937

Kolpik,

I have read this several times. Your English use seems generally fine. You are missing two commas that I spot.


 * He knows he's safe when it's feeding time, but that comes seldom, and he ate
 * He didn't struggle anymore, and

You have horror. I don't feel creepiness. This is the normal reaction for someone held as a prisoner by some nut case. Maybe that's a subtle distinction. For all I know, Mack is held doing useful work in a slave labor situation. Is he alone? Is he a sex toy? Is there any sense of rhyme or reason?

The last paragraph doesn't work for me. It breaks the fourth wall in the first and last sentence with "you." Me, the reader, didn't kidnap the guy. So when you say "you" it mentally clashes.