Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28959401-20160716061410/@comment-24101790-20160716063212

Besides the capitalization "turning (Turning, new paragraph means a new sentence. Ellipses signify pauses or complete stops with a pause so if you are continuing a sentence it needs to be left uncapitalized unless it's a proper noun. However, if you start a new sentence, that implies that the preceding sentence has been completed and needs proper capitalization.) out of my cubicle, I begin to speedily look around the office.", ""Floor fifteen(comma missing)" The (the) elevator automated system stated.", "From I.T! what's (What's) gotten into you guys?"", " I(')m... Somewhere(somewhere)... Can't think straight.", etc.

Punctuation: Commas missing where a pause is implied in sentence structure. "Practically running through the halls now I stopped nearly instantly to a screeching halt when I saw a group of people standing motionless in the main hallway near the boss's office.". Colons missing where needed. "I didn't have time to finish my sentence as one of them yelled out,", "Just then I began to back up, slowly raising my hands saying," If you're continuing dialogue on another line, you need to use a colon.

Story issues: The fact that the protagonist is suffering from the amnesia as well really raises problems in the story. The fact that this is all written in past tense implies that this has been written after the fact so randomly forgetting this information when it's in the paragraphs above really complicate the narrative. ("I wanted to go home... But where was home? Where is home? What am I getting away from in a hurry?") Wouldn't he be able to look above and suss out what he's saying or was previously doing?

Story issues: You build up the scenario, but don't really do anything with it. The story really isn't brought to a satisfying conclusion and it's really apparent that you're trying to make a series out of this. We no longer accept unfinished series because they are never finished in a timely manner. There really isn't enough here to make this story standalone (we have no idea what's causing the amnesia, what the protagonist is doing, or really what the conflict/resolution is for this story.) I would suggest fleshing this story out into a complete plot or finishing the series before attempting to upload it.