Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20170128143905/@comment-24101790-20170129034725

I can't go too much into this as it's not really finished and I don't like to weigh in on something until I know the full story, but here's what I thought while reading this. Starting with the issues first:

"Nicolas grew up in an abusive household, his mother and father addicted (sic) to methamphetamines, alcohol and everything else illicit and taboo." Additionally you might want to sub out alcohol with another drug as you rarely see alcohol being listed as something 'illicit or taboo'.

"There was always something wrong; they didn’t finish their homework, their clothes were too dirty, they smelt (smelled)" I try to avoid using smelt as opposed to smelled as it's often confused for the verb smelt in blacksmithing.

"Really, it was a wonder why the teachers were too stupid to realise that this was a matter for the parents to solve, not the children" is a bit awkwardly worded and I'm not quite sure what you're trying to convey.

“Do you like a younger girl Nicolas?” Is a bit awkwardly worded and could use some re-writing as it doesn't feel like natural dialogue.

Story issues: I know this is a work in progress, but what you've posted so far is mainly just backstory and there isn't much in way of plot to keep the reader interested. You also have a tendency to do a lot of telling the audience and not much showing. Lines like: "As his number of victims rose, Nicolas became more addicted, more aggressive and ruthless" and "He wasn’t afraid of dying, as a matter of fact, he even embraced the idea. But before he did, he wanted to leave behind a legacy." really feel more like you're dumping information on the audience rather than allowing them to infer these things.

Story issues: Here's one of the main problems I see here, I wrote about it when I created a guide on NSFW stories, and that problem is that this feels more edgy rather than effective. All in all, you're main goal is to write a horror story and right now it feels more like you're penning an exploitation film that's going from one shock scene to another without really doing much beyond it. As I've previously deleted a story that was basically just a play-by-play of child abduction and rape, I can tell you that it really doesn't work at building an effective horror story.

Here's my final bit of advice. I'm not sure what direction the story is going in, but if it's just going to focus on the rape/murder of a child, then it's going to end up seeming more like an attempt to shock the audience rather than actually scaring them which will likely not be well-received and seem like unnecessary edge.