Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24376783-20141228170610/@comment-25170312-20141230012251

The writing isn't bad, but there's some lazy stuff you could fix, like the end where the last two sentences both begin with "She then".

Overall, it needs more. The only suspicious thing the girl does is get to class before him when she shouldn't have been able to. Being super smart isn't that unusual. She needs to be a little more suspicious and seductive, and it should increase gradually until the end. The main character should fight his urges despite how strange she seems. Otherwise, it's just "there was this weird girl" and then the main character is killed by the weird girl who turns out to be a succubus or something. There has to be a build-up or it just doesn't work.