Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25073641-20160610180030/@comment-25569708-20160719234508

Real sorry for taking so long to get to this. Some errors:

"He knew the Secret Service won’t take long to know" should be "He knew the Secret Service wouldn't take long to know"

"going down the first floor which was mostly empty that the time" should be "going down the first floor which was mostly empty at the time"

"getting some air.” and forced a smile" should be "getting some air,” and forced a smile"

"above the bouquet of dazzling multitude flower". Did you mean "above the bouquet of a dazzling multitude of flowers" or something similar?

"The books didn’t fall, nor was the bag" should be "The books didn’t fall, nor did the bag"

"Not only they were suspended mid-air" should be "Not only were they suspended mid-air"

"“’ello, Lee.” the mariner spoke" should be "“’ello, Lee,” the mariner spoke"

"but his lips won’t unfreeze" should be "but his lips wouldn't unfreeze"

"The Captain, who was just next to him, just vanished into thin air". The two uses of "just" here feel redundant.

"He only gaped in horror". Just making sure you didn't mean to put "gasped in horror".

"But there’s something there that didn’t seem right" should be "But there was something there that didn’t seem right"

"Everyone will burn. Everyone will die." needs a quotation mark at the end of it.

"Lee backed away from the Bonnie". Did you really mean "the Bonnie"?

So anyways I thought this newest part was pretty solid. I'm glad to see the drowned sailor(s) come into play finally, and I thought the character of The Captain was cool. I also loved the way he spoke. Interesting to see how Lee's failure to assassinate JFK is affecting his psyche (or maybe it's all real, we'll see). The encounter with The Captain felt pretty Stephen King-y to me, probably because of the scenes in It where Pennywise is guilt-tripping the bullies about something or other. This part got right to the point and showed the readers Lee/the civilians/The Captain's reactions to Jacky's death and I didn't feel like you were wasting time or adding fluff here. Nice touch that you said that The Captain had eyes as white as Russian snow. I also thought you described the "frozen" street scene very well. The part with the binoculars being a view/portal to another dimension was cool (albeit a bit confusing), and I assume more will be done with it in future parts/part. And finally when you started describing the blonde-haired blue-eyed guy I got the suspicion that Nazis had taken over in this alternate dimension where Jacky died. Just an observation. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

Not much else to say, I thought this newest part was a nice addition to the overall story.