Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25593001-20160909233646/@comment-28266772-20160912134011

Just to say my post here will mainly highlight grammatical errors; I will briefly touch on plot issues but, to be honest, Jake888 has all that covered (pretty well) already.

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It was my twelth [twelfth] birthday and I was alone, my dad told me he was doing some work for a TV Show [show], and he was going to bring back a cool gift.

My dad was a Ventriloquist [ventriloquist]. But I always hated Dummies [dummies], I wasn't afraid of them back than [then], I just didn't like them. They weren't funny at all.

Early in the Afternoon [afternoon] my dad came home. He was a happy man, and was always very welcoming. He was holding a rather large present.

"I got you something pretty cool this year Scott!"

"Really? When can I open it?"

"Not now son, you'll have to wait until after we eat the cake!"

He put the present away in the closet, and walked into the kitchen. Than my dad brought out a cheap, storebought [store-bought] cake. He put twelve candles into it.

"I can't beleive [believe] you're Twelve [twelve] years old... come on, blow out those candles!"

I blew out the candles and my dad smiled, and I smiled back.

"Can I open it now?"

"Of course!"

He went back the closet and took out the orange and blue present, and handed it to me. I ripped it up, an [and] there [was] a rather large, almost coffin shaped, wooden box, with some words carved onto the top.

"Mister Amazo's Ventriloquism Emporuim [Emporium]!™"

I wasn't very excited when I read that, but I put on a fake smile and opened the box.

In it wad [was] a dummy, a dusty one with graying brown hair, and a white suit. I wasn't very happy, and the dummy didn't look so cheerful either, it was frowning. I still wonder why my dad bought me such an unhappy dummy, maybe for some corny sad jokes or something.

"Do you like it?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Yeah dad! It's awesome!" I said, trying to sound happy.

<p class="MsoNormal">He patted me on the back and went to his room, smiling.

<p class="MsoNormal">I stopped smiling, I didn't care much for these things, unlike my father. They had always bored me.

<p class="MsoNormal">I went to my room and stuffed the dummy in my closet, it was a little passed [past] my bedtime, and I fell asleep. But my slumber was cut short. I heard a loud clanking noise in the kitchen. I went to my dad's bedroom, only to find him missing.

<p class="MsoNormal">I began to feel uneasy, [no comma] as I reluctently [reluctantly; think about this – it’s redundant, he’s both uneasy and reluctant – is there a need to mention both in the same sentence?] entered the kitchen.

<p class="MsoNormal">Possibly the worst mistake I [have] ever made.

<p class="MsoNormal">I saw the dummy sitting on the kitchen table, it was staring at the hallway, at me, with that now terrifying sneer. My heart began pumping. '[I understand what you mean by ‘my heart began pumping’ but your heart is kinda always pumping. There are…clearer ways to say the same thing]'

<p class="MsoNormal">"Haha... Dad this isn't funny.. [ellipses should have three or more periods]" [also try to note who says what, it keeps things easy for the audience to understand]

<p class="MsoNormal">"Dad?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Dad come on where are you?" [because these three lines are all said by the same person I’d consider sticking them together; check the wikia’s style guide]

<p class="MsoNormal">I wouldn't move, I kept staring at the thing, I didn't want to blink.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Dad please."

<p class="MsoNormal">I felt like it was staring into my soul. I was so scared. I felt like it hated me.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Son?"

<p class="MsoNormal">My dad exitied [exited] my bedroom.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Where've you been? I've been looking all over for you!"

<p class="MsoNormal">I turned around, we were both facing eachother. [each other.]

<p class="MsoNormal">"What? I've been looking for you! I couldn't find you. Did you place my dummy on table?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"No, I didn't. Stop joking with me, and put your dummy back!"

<p class="MsoNormal">I turned around, only to see the dummy was gone. No trace of it ever even being there.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Dad, where'd it go?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Please help me son." My dad said unhappily.

<p class="MsoNormal">I turned around, he was gone.

<p class="MsoNormal">I ran into his room, and he was sound asleep.

<p class="MsoNormal">I stood up all night in the living room, staring at the hallway from the couch. I didn't want to go in my room.

<p class="MsoNormal">My dad had no recollection of the previous night, he still says he was asleep. He Probabaly [probably] thinks I'm crazy, and he might be right.

<p class="MsoNormal">I re-entered my bedroom, feeling braver during the day, with my dad awake. I searched the closet and the dummy was gone. Sometimes I see it sitting in random places in the most unrelated of dreams, and no one ever notices.

<p class="MsoNormal">Ever since that night I've been afraid of dummies, I hate them, and they probabaly [probably] hate me too. They're the worst.

<p class="MsoNormal">Well, that's what the kid said last night to his psychiatrist, seems I worked my magic a little too well. [lost me by here]

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – plenty but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a proofread and a spellcheck. Take the time out to make sure your writing is correct and it’ll encourage people to take the time out to read it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – You have a stunted style but it’s plain and to the point – look at other horror stories to see how they use language to construct mood and atmosphere. Your writing is functional but it’s also pretty bare bones.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – Nothing really happens. You come close to something interesting but stop short of what’s needed to make an interesting story. Also the ending is nonsensical and not clear.