Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37265073-20181022010923/@comment-33470154-20181022232303

It feels like half a story crammed into a single paragraph, really. There’s no background, and you’ve led into everything way to quickly. It seems to be a “haunted video” story, which is honestly so overdone that, frankly, I don’t even know if it’s worth spending the time to finish this. However, I’ll address a few of the issues here.

“A long time ago lived the queen and king of univa, a place where evil was banned.” Grammatically speaking, Univa is a proper noun and should be capitalized, and, even though I don’t think it’s a rule of grammar, seeing “queen and king” is just kind of weird, it’s normally “king and queen.” That may be a personal preference, though; you don’t have to change that. Also, how is evil “banned?” Theft and murder are illegal in most of the civilized world, but people still steal and kill. This sounds like a utopia, but realistically there are always a few rotten eggs in the bunch, so to speak.

“I was..WAS a guard there..here is my story.” If you’re going to use ellipses, you have to have three periods and a space between the words: “I was... was a guard there. Here is my story.” would be a lot better, grammatically speaking. Also, I changed the capitalized word to italicized, since it fits a little better.

“I was around 7 when i started training for the guardsmen ship.” First off, proper nouns such as “I” should always be capitalized. Also, what is a “guardsmen ship?” I’m assuming you meant the narrator was training to be a guard, but there are better ways to word that.

“I loved the thought of how it would be to be a guard, fighting bad guys.” This sentence has really poor flow: “how it would be to be” should probably be changed to something a little more fluid, and you might consider using some more advanced diction than just “bad guys.” Maybe “invaders” or something.

“Sooner or later i was called and was gifted a present, a disk.” What? Why do they get given a disk? Were they the best guard-in-training or something? There should be a reason that they get the disk, not anyone else. Also, “I” is still not capitalized.

“I forgot about it until 4 years later. I found the disk in my closet.” This should really be one sentence: “I forgot about it until four (ten and below should be written out) years later, when I found the disk in my closet.”

“I wish i didnt watch but as normal, i did.” Classic way to build suspense for the big reveal, but so overdone it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. Also, “I” is not capitalized here also. You’re also missing some apostrophes, like in “didn’t.”

“The disk was about the truth of the kingdom. it started when the kings great grandfather got sucked into a tv.” Umm, what? This part makes almost no sense. Is the entire kingdom contained in a TV? Is that why the kingdom is so perfect, it’s literally in a fairy tale? That would be an interesting premise, and if it is a lot of my concerns about the plot would be invalid. There are still a few grammatical issues here, though. You didn’t capitalize “It,” even though it’s the first word in the sentence. Also, it should be “the king’s great-grandfather,” with an apostrophe. Finally, TV should be capitalized.

“I investigated the tape with the king.” It might be personal preference again, but this would be much better if it said “I asked the king about the tape,” since in the next sentence it appears the king already knows about the tape and provides the narrator with answers. Also, you said earlier it was a disk, but now it’s a tape? It would be better to stick with one or the other.

“He said ‘that disk?! oh no..its to late..’” Here come the cliches! Once you view the spooky haunted disk of doom, you’ll never see tomorrow! Also, there are a ton of small errors here. A fixed version of the sentence would look something like: “He said, ‘That disk?! Oh no... it’s too late...’”

“‘ umm boss what?’ i said.” Again, there are a few errors in this sentence. First off, the unnecessary space at the beginning should be removed. Second, you should capitalize “Umm” and “I.” Also, this is kind of a nitpick, but I don’t really imagine a guardsman would refer to the king as “boss,” I think “your majesty” would be much more appropriate.

“he told me to hide, i asked why but he cut me off and hid me in his bed room.” “He” needs to be capitalized at the beginning of the sentence, as does “I” because it is a proper noun. Also, “bedroom” is one word, while you separated them. Finally, this hiding spot makes no goddamn sense. Of all the places, why his bedroom? Why would he not station guards around you if you’re in so much danger? Obviously, the narrator is a high-ranking guardsman, to be able to question the king about the disk so readily, so why would the king just stuff them in his bedroom?

To be honest, this is kind of a hot mess. It needs tons of work on your part, and barely constitutes as a paragraph, much less a whole chapter. There are cliches, tons of grammar issues, etc. I hope the subsequent chapters show significant improvement.