Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25382490-20150207205151/@comment-26007602-20150207223424

Don't give yourself kudos please; it just looks sad.

Anyways, let's talk story.

This was actually fairly well written grammatically-wise. I didn't see many errors except for the quotation marks at the beginning of each paragraph. I'd say these aren't necessary because even if the whole story is one man speaking, they don't need to be used. You can take 'em or leave 'em. However, if you leave them, you must use them correctly. You don't need to end the paragraph with quotes if the two paragraphs are from the same speaker; you do however still start each paragraph with quotes.

Also, don't use all caps to demonstrate screaming. Unprofessional and unneeded. Use this handy tool instead ==> ! (and just use one, no need for: !!!)

There are two issues with this story. First off, our speaker is physically telling a story to someone. That is not well reflected in this story. There is no way he'd repeat these dialogues or go into as much detail as he does. This story reads like an author telling a story; that's fine if you want to tell a story. But if you're having your character tell a story, then it should not be done in the same way. I can see a crazy person wanting to reiterate what made him insane, but I can't see him explaining his entire family and lifestyle prior to it.

Imagine I was telling you about my friend and I's trip to McDonald's. I would not stop and explain my friend's prior life and relationship to myself. Likewise, Andrew here is not going to stop and explain how cool Daniel used to be before he betrayed him. He's also not going to say, "Wham! I got hit!" While I like the dialogues, they really have no place in the story. Andrew is not going to say, "It was Daniel! What?  Lois said curiously.  He's the one who killed her!  I said.  Okay let's hang Andrew, Lois said." See how messy that is? That's how Andrew would be explaining this to his victim. It just does not work.

I'm not sure the time period here. Is it the wild west? Because that makes the town's actions towards Andrew more understandable. But still, I find it highly unbelievable that they'd hang him with no evidence or due process. Nor would they watch him die for forty five minutes. Even if you make note of how unbelievable it is, it's still unbelievable.

I also find Daniel's motivation for betrayal rather weak. It works, but you could do more.

Finally, the main issue, once again, is that this story follows the "Jeff Formula." Man is wronged/bullied unfairly, man dies/is tortured in some way, man comes back to take revenge on those who wronged him, and then continues to hunt people for little reason. I was enjoying the story but near the middle started to worry if we were heading into Jeff territory. We were. It is a highly used format and will get your story deleted immediately, even if it was written well. Your going to need to change the story a bit to avoid this cliché. Also, nix the catchphrase at the end, "What neck size are ya?" It isn't needed and is on the list of clichés, further detrimental to your story.

Another problem is that there is really nothing creepy in this story. That's a shame, because I actually kind of liked Andrew (Mostly because I liked the southern cowboy theme), but I rolled my eyes when he became "The Hangman." You'd need to take the story in a completely different direction to subvert the Jeff theme it currently has.

Over all, I feel this story was pretty good in the beginning, but its potential was sadly wasted in the end.