Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25243694-20140815232904/@comment-25226524-20140816192938

It appears you have a good imagination, and the length of the story shows that you truly had a commitment to writing it. That being said, this story is riddled with debilitating issues. I'm afraid that the overall concept has been so heavily used that it's no longer effective unless you can somehow come up with a new and creative twist to it (which is very difficult).

There are numerous wording/grammar/spelling/punctuation issues that make it very difficult to continue reading after the first paragraph. Your descriptions are far too basic which makes the story hard to visualize. Plot holes and other common absurdities pop up continually throughout the story. I usually like to avoid saying this, but due to the length of the story and the number of issues it contains, I think you may need to just toss this and start over (just so you know, I'm cringing at the thought of you having to read that part).

Please don't get discouraged by this. As I said, the length of the story shows your commitment, and I hope that this commitment will lead to your improvement. Commitment is possibly the most important thing a writer can have, because eventually you'll get it right. I know it can be hard to hear that something you've worked very hard on isn't up to quality standards, but it's better you hear it here rather than after you submit it.

I would like to encourage you to keep writing, perhaps try something shorter next time. Before you do, I would recommend that you do some reading under the Community/Writing Advice tab at the top of the page. I would also recommend reading other stories that are known to be well written. Although I wouldn't recommend copying their style, this will just help you get a better idea of what you need to improve on. Keep your head up and keep writing. Thanks for posting it.