Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25616392-20141104113051/@comment-24040907-20141104220218

Now that's more like it!

This version was better in every way. I'm happy that you took my advice into account, and took the time to pace the story out. I'm pretty sure it could've gone even longer, and still hold a reader's interest. The ending is much better, now that you elaborate on what is going on with Cat. We have a clear antagonist with a clear motive now. You also built up the characters a little bit more, without dragging us down by long backstory; nicely done.

One thing I noticed was that after Cat rescues Aiden and returns him home, the story immediately jumps to his next encounter with Ghelgath. Perhaps you could put a space between those events for the protagonist to reflect a bit. You've already given us several shocks, maybe now is a good time for the protagonist to think about his parents, his anguish and desperation, and his devotion to his sister. And then that all culminates to the next attack and him losing consciousness in his sister's arms.

Concerning grammar:

In paragraph 1, there should be an "I" after the word Australia.

In paragraph 1 you wrote "Although we came from the Northern lands of Scandinavia. The nights here began to grow colder and colder. " There should be a comma in place of that full-stop.

In paragraph 7 you wrote "The candles light by themselves with an icy blue flame." In order to stay in past-tense you must change "light" to "lit".

In paragraph 9 you spelled "squeaked" as "sqeacked"

In paragraph 10 you wrote "Shivers would shoot down my spine in an unending nightmare. " "would shoot" should be "shot"

In paragraph 13 you wrote "One night I tried to come home drinking at the bar two blocks from my house. " There should be a "from" between "home" and "drinking".

Capitalization at the beginning of paragraph 24.

At paragraph 45 you wrote "I kicked Cat on her knees." Please change "on" to "onto"



This new version earns a 6.75/10