Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32734223-20170731141801/@comment-32461413-20170803131827

I would be on the lookout for tense issues. Your story is in the past tense, but some areas switch to the present.

You use the verb and the variants of "falling" throughout the whole story. Try using other words to avoid the repitition. Examples include, "tumbling" or "collapsing."

I feel that your mention of the four digit code was abrupt and awkward. Suddenly the MC remembers a piece of paper that wasn't mentioned before. You should make a brief mention before of the paper and the code as bit of foreshadowing as to what it would be used for.

I would make the object that caused the explosion more clear. You wrote that the MC lit "it" what is it? Later it is revealed to be a gas explosion, therefore it is up to speculation that it was a gas cannister. However, that is just distracting. Of everything happening in the story, the last thing that people need to be worrying about is the gas. So, I would get rid of the word "it" and put in what it actually was.

Why does the protagonist feel the need to pay tribute to the spirit? There really isn't a reason to do so. It is suggested it may because of the spirit haunting the protagonist, but there isn't a reason explicitly given. Even small details go a long ways.

If you cause a gas cannister to explode, you'd probably die. Depending on the size of the explosion could be life or death. Either way, even if it was a small enough explosion to survive, the fire most certainly would have killed the protagonist. A small room with such intense heat would cremate everything inside essentailly.

For a story this long, there isn't a whole lot happening. Person explores the outdoors, falls in a bunker, looks around, finds bear, blows up bunker. I feel you could slim it down quite a bit. Removing details and descriptions that don't really help the story is one way. Focusing details more onto building the mood, setting, and atmosphere, while not shortening the story, provides for a more interesting read. An interesting read should be able to pull people through no matter how long.

I would look out for punctuation problems. There are some long sentences towards the beginning that can be chopped up.

Despite everything however, your story is unique. I think with some revisions, you will have a pretty solid piece here.