Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24982950-20160320171614/@comment-24859608-20160320195846

I apologize, but this seems well below the Quality Standards. I am not going to dive into grammar, because it isn't really my thing. It was the story issues themselves that I believe is the problem.

You rely way too much on the exposition of your ritual. You don't need to right a dissertation about the spiritual element of chess, it adds nothing to the story. We all know their is a spiritual element to mirrors, and we all know what chess is. You don't need to explain everything.

One-Man Hide and Seek is ritual pasta that will help you with this. Everybody knows the game of Hide and Seek, so it goes straight into the ritual without even explining the game at all. It's much more effective.

Also, there isn't really a creepy element to chess, but there is one to Hide and Seek. Try to create an element in Chess that would be creepy.

For one, you are over-explaining everything. In a ritual pasta, you want to be very open ended on your instructions. That way the reader can follow the story better, and have to interpret the consequenes of their actions by themselves.

When you said:

Using the same word's over and over becomes a little redundant and choppy.

Example: "For sanity's sake....For safety's sake....For (Insert here) sake..." Try to avoid doing that, over and over again. I make that mistake all the time, so don't feel bad.

When you said:

'' "If nothing has happened within 3 days of you issuing your challenge, completely scrap the ritual. It is vitally important that you close down the ritual completely, as some spirits consider themselves the crafty type, and simply wait for the defences and precautions to disappear, then pick that moment to wreak havoc." ''

When you could have said:

If it has been 3 days and nothing has happened, it is crucial that you scrap the ritual entirely, as keeping it unattended leaves you....vunreable.

It's easier to read that way, and it has a better flow. I think you really need to re-work how you present your story, before you post it. Note, that's not all the errors I've noticed. It seems rushed and overlly detailed as well, so keep an eye out for that.