Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24738994-20140328231024/@comment-10950063-20140402183105

This really feels like something I've seen before. I'm sure we have something just like this already on the site. Maybe you could turn it into an actual story. If you're married to this though:

First, don't start with a definition. It's pointless, hacknyed, distracting, it adds nothing. More than that, fear doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story. You can lose that whole first graf.

This could do with a lot of slicing. Where you can take out words, do it. Get rid of "Either way." Lose or replace "distinguished" in "distinguished rush." Singular, unique, whatever. Distinguished is an awkward word choice. Change "whatever" to just "what." Stuff like that, all through out the piece.

Omnipotent isn't the right word. You don't descend into Heaven, you ascend. Lose the "fucking" in "no fucking way." Lose the last line.

Again, this idea feels like it's been done before in this theory kind of way. It could still get deleted, but at least this way it will be tighter.