Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29230856-20160722193431/@comment-28266772-20160722225354

Some people are lucky in life. Others are meant to live a terrible fate. But we are all the same. [this feels a bit hollow – you don’t justify how we’re all the same you just say it after also saying that some people X and other people are Y)

Stress. This is how Yuko would describe her life in one word. [wrong tense] Many people thought that she was weird, because of her love for video games instead of girly things. Yuko didn't understand what was wrong with that. Everyone has the chance to choose how to live their life. '[this sentence doesn’t really convey the sentiment correctly. Perhaps instead ‘Yuko thought that everyone should have the chance etc.’ Yuko got [was] 'bullied a lot for this, making her depressed and stressed. She often cried herself to sleep.

Growing up bullied with a few friends, she was very loyal to the people who were there for her. She learned to trust no one, because anybody could cause her pain [again this kind of contradicts how you just describe her having a close knit group of friends]. Her only talent is [was] drawing. She loved to paint masks, and then wear them.

Yuko is [was] actually a good girl, with blonde hair and light blue eyes. She has [had] a good soul, loving nature, liking forests [;she liked], animals, and people who care [cared] about her. She extremely hates people [wrong tense/awkward wording]. For Yuko, people are [were] only cruel monsters, the ones who left her behind and bullied her. She wanted them to suffer the same as she did.

Yuko's only friend is [was] named Natalia. She is the only friend Yuko cared about '[okay so I’m going to stop pointing out when you use present tense in a story that is clearly set in the past. Also this is redundant – if she’s her only friend, then obviously she is the only friend she cares about]'. The two girls were the same [similar], liking the same things, begin in the same school and others. Natalia really cares about Yuko. The two girls promised that will [they would] be always together, no matter what. Sadly, humans are not loyal.

It was summer. Yuko called Natalia's mother to see if she wanted to play with her.

"Well, Natalia is busy now. I will call you back when she's not, okay honey?" but she never called back. Yuko still waited for that call. She wanted to see her friend more than anything else. During the following months, Yuko became depressed. Weren't the bullies and stress enough? Her life was hell. She became completely lonely. But somehow she also liked it better this way, because she could do more things [this is a weird thing to throw in a list of negatives]. With her heart broken, full of stress, she still waited. She waited for her only friend. She could do anything, just to feel happy again. She wanted someone to be [there] here for her.

Then cams Natalia's birthday [Then Natalia’s birthday came]. Of course, she [yuko] was invited. Yuko couldn't wait for it! She bought Natalia's favorite books, using her own money. She would do anything to see Natalia happy. She finally was at the birthday [awkward wording]. Yuko handed the books to Natalia and hugged her tight.

"Wow! Thanks so much for the books! I wanted these so badly!" Natalia said, making a big smile. Yuko never felt this way. Happy... [awkward wording/tense]

But she also felt something wrong. She saw Olivia, a selfish girl, who is friends with people just because they are rich and have money. [awkward wording/tense]

"Yuko, can you come here for a second?" Natalia said to Yuko. "I would want [like] to show you my new friend, Olivia."

Yuko couldn't understand. Olivia?! No, it wasn't true! Right...? Yuko felt something painful, [a third person narrative shouldn’t just switch to an inner monologue like this] that [the] feeling when you could [would] do anything for someone you care for, but they toss you away like nothing. She felt so much anger and sadness, it can't [could not] be explained by words.

The birthday party looked like fun. The kids from the party could swim in a big pool, or they could explore the river, nearby a forest. Yuko didn't want to go in the pool, she wanted to go to the river. Olivia and Natalia were also there. [awkward wording] "You look poor. Where did you get your clothes, from the thrift store?" [new speaker, new line] Olivia said rudely to Yuko. [new speaker new line] "Well, I like the clothes. Also, it's none of your business what I wear!" Yuko replied. [new speaker new line]"Oh yeah? That's because nobody cares about you either! Now I know why Natalia wants me to be her best friend, not you! I'm richer and prettier than you!" Yuko was about to grab Olivia's neck, but everyone heard a scream from the forest.

"SOMEONE, COME QUICK! ONE OF THE KIDS IS HURT! [all caps is…ugly. Use italics]" Natalia's parents and other parents rushed the forest, shocked to see a girl smashed by a big, sharp rock. The girl's head was full of blood, and her hands as well [awkward wording]. Yuko felt something strange when she saw the blood. It was a strong feeling of pleasure. She can't [couldn’t] describe that feeling. Yuko tried to look worried, because in her mind Yuko couldn't help but [awkward wording/repetition]] laugh. The girl was taken to a hospital.

Natalia started to cry. Everyone asked why she was crying, and Natalia said, "I'm just happy that nothing happened to Olivia! I would die if something happened to her!" [

These words made Yuko to feel so angry and mad. The "friend" she cared about [had] abandoned her for a selfish girl. '[also this is starting to get repetitive. You’ve made it clear]'

<p class="MsoNormal">The cake was served, and then kids left the party, going home. [I think the party would just be cancelled after some girl had her skull pulverized] Yuko was thinking [what?] about that [what day?] day. She realized how crude people can [could] be. She wanted revenge. Revenge on everyone who bullied her and kept her stressed. She slowly lost grip on her sanity. [You’re telling, not showing]

<p class="MsoNormal">The school started again after the summer vacation. This made her more stressed [you just keep saying this over and over]. Homework, bullies, tests, things at school that would drive you insane. Yuko's parents wanted her to get good grades, her mother wanted her to be the best in school. Yuko tried her best, but failed. She had no friends at this point. One day after a very stressful [repetition] day of school, she found a razor blade in the bathroom. She had a dark thought. She wanted to cut her wrist, but she couldn't. What will [would] everyone say? She didn't know, she didn't care. She took the razor blade, and started to cut. After the first cut, Yuko started to chuckle. She finally saw blood again. It gives [gave] her a pleasure and a strong feeling [what feeling?].

<p class="MsoNormal">One night, Yuko's life changed completely. It was midnight. Her dad was out of town, so she was alone with her mom. She woke up because of a scream. Someone attacked her mom. Yuko silently went to the kitchen, grabbed a sharp knife, and without a sound, stabbed the stranger in the throat. "W-...What did you just do?!" her mom asked in fear. "I saved your life. Aren't you happy?" Yuko replied, starting to smile and then giggled. [telling not showing]

<p class="MsoNormal">Since that day, Yuko was more bullied than ever before because of the cuts. She didn't feel anything at all. She can't [couldn’t] take the stress anymore. She just wanted to be alone, cutting herself, seeing blood everywhere, doing what she enjoys [enjoyed]. She had completely lost her mind.

<p class="MsoNormal">Then she saw one of her masks. A black and white one. It also was her favorite one. She had an idea: to wear a black hoodie, grey jeans, white shoes, the mask, and run away from home. She knew it wasn't right to do this, but she really wanted to be free.

<p class="MsoNormal">On a Friday night she slept with her grandmother, alone in a room with two windows. She put on the hoodie, the grey pants, white shoes, and the last piece, the mask. She opened one of the windows, and when about to jump over it, she looked in her house for the last time. The house where she lived all these 15 years. She somehow felt bad when she noticed her old fox plush. She often hugged the fox plush when she felt stressed or sad. Yuko shook her head and jumped. She ran to a forest near the house. This was Yuko's last day of her normal life.

<p class="MsoNormal">After a few days, Olivia was found stabbed in the throat, laying in a big pool of blood near the forest. No weapon was found. Other kids were also found stabbed in the throat in the same forest. Nobody found who is [was] the one who killed the people.

<p class="MsoNormal">If you have best friends, don't ever fully replace them. You'll never know how much you meant to them until it's too late...

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So overall:

<p class="MsoNormal">1) Basic mechanical issues are frequent. Misspelt and missing words, basic redundancies, contradictions, stylistic errors, punctuation – the whole nine yards. You need to use a spellcheck, and then you need to proof read your work to find mistakes. If you don’t have MS word that has an in-built spellcheck you can use spellcheck.net for free.

<p class="MsoNormal">2)Story issues – so basically this is a very clichéd plot where a bullied kid starts killing people. You spend too much time focusing on the friendship issue which isn’t particularly compelling, or even interesting. There’s no real reason to be invested in this girl – she feels pretty bland. You just keep saying she’s stressed over and over again. Also who killed the random girl? It’s so weird; it just happens and is never explained or mentioned again. Ultimately the real big problem is that the plot is just very clichéd and would inherently be deleted since all stories that follow the Jeff the Killer formula of ‘pissed off bullied kid kills people’ are counted as Jeff the Killer spinoffs and those are blacklisted.

<p class="MsoNormal">3) Stylistic issues - There’s no attempt to build atmosphere and you just say what happens instead of showing it.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Why was it deleted? All of the above. The quality standards require two basic things. First, that your writing is literate with few/no mistakes. Stories with a few errors will either be marked for review and edited, or just edited by a random user. Too many issues and the story will be deleted. The second core thing is that the story is original, and the plot makes sense. There is a list of blacklisted subjects including all game pastas, spinoffs, etc. Basically this wikia wants original stories that are reasonably good. The reason for these rules is that this wikia has been flooded with low quality stories, and it became impossible for any writers to get their work read. There are plenty of other wikias where spinoffs are accepted, and also with lower standards. Although it is worth emphasising that these standards are not high - they simply require that the story is written in correct English and is original in some form or another.

<p class="MsoNormal">What to do from here?

<p class="MsoNormal">The following guides will offer you a lot of help in terms of every aspect of your writing. I cannot recommend enough that you read them.

<p class="MsoNormal">Here

<p class="MsoNormal">Here

<p class="MsoNormal">Here

<p class="MsoNormal">