Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170130041347/@comment-26475800-20170130051339

There's not much story here. This, along with the other story you've posted in the WW, need more build-up. Give us something to gnaw on and think about before you dive straight into the punchline. This story could easily be three times as long, and still feel like there's not enough.

You have a creepy girl, show us how creepy she is. Maybe have her mumble, constantly worrying her hands, kicking rocks on the ground. Anything to make her stranger. Furthermore, what does she look like? Does she have long, greasy black hair that hangs down over the shoulders of the blue dress that's far too baggy? She is a young girl, and these other kids found her attractive, is there something creepy about those kids playing ball?

How did they even notice this girl? Did the ball get away from them and she was found holding it, looking down at it in her hands? Was she standing on it with one foot? Show us how good they are at playing basketball. Who is that one idiot that can't even hit the backboard? Who is able to make damn-near every shot. Don't just tell us like you did, but show us. Have the other players groan when someone gets the ball, because they know it's going to be an amazing shot that no one else is going to be able to duplicate, or when the kid who everyone knows is going to miss by so much they'll have to chase the ball down gets his hands on the ball.

What's the house look like? Where are they playing? Is it in the driveway? A park? What's the weather like? Is it fall, summer, spring? Maybe winter, if they live somewhere warm and they can finally get outside without melting.

Who's the funny one, or the one who tries to be funny? What are these kids like? How did they meet? Is it important how they meet? If not, how did they meet at where they're playing? Who was late? Who was early? Did they all arrive at the same time? Maybe they all just got off the bus, or are they hanging around at school, after hours?

There is so much more that you can do with this story to make it longer, and have it be creepier. There's always that one kid who has some weird shit to say. What's he talking about? Make your reader squirm a little before the girl is even seen. At least get them thinking this is a horror story. Then, once the girl comes out of the bushes she was watching them from, or whatever, really dig into the creepy factor. Focus on that girl and how bizarre she is. Or, how demented the ball players are.

You're writing horror, make is scary as soon as you can. If not scary, at least a little unsettling. Get the reader to feel uncomfortable as soon as possible, and keep digging in there. Make there be a sense of dread that comes off the page and into the readers life.