Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36095001-20180822021904/@comment-26444017-20180822044123

Firstly, go through what you have, checking and correcting punctuation, spelling, and grammar.

Once that is done, I would like to see the intruder elaborated on a bit more. He/she/it is not described, and beyond its intimidating presence, I don't see a reason for the main character to follow its instructions. Even after that, it stabs him anyway for a reason that isn't given, and in the very next scene, the thing is gone and our main character is fine.

So, I have to assume that this story is about a crazed home invader who started off spying on the main character, but instead moved to attack. If this is the story you are looking to tell, then maybe stretching it out into a stalker story over the course of a few days or weeks would work better, or maybe get rid of the short mention of being watched and keep it as a home invasion incident.

If this isn't the story you were looking to tell, then I think there's even more about the invader that needs to be made apparent to the reader. Maybe it's inhuman, or a crazy person, or a monster in disguise. There's simply not enough information present to know.

No matter which way you go, if your main character gets attacked, make a big deal about the aftermath, both physically and mentally. Gut wounds hurt like crazy, and having to gouge out your own eye is damn near impossible due to the pain and the mental barrier one has to get past to pull it off. What's the main character thinking about in the hospital as he/she recovers? Does the intruder ever return? If not, what does the main think happened? What rationale does he/she come to to explain the incident?

Beyond all this story stuff, make sure you include details to help set the stage. Tell us about the main character's bedroom, the sudden bright flash that momentarily blinds him/her when he/she moves to investigate. Describe the noise the character hears, and the feel of the metal door knob as the door is being opened. Or maybe it's not a knob, but a handle made from the same oak as the door. Little things like that really help bring a story to life. Just don't go too crazy. If it isn't relevant to the main character or the narrative, don't bother with it.

Hopefully this is helpful. Good luck. :)