Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33488654-20180828005908/@comment-33488654-20180828195915

Vngel W wrote: Hi Steven,

There were some aspects I wanted to address in the story. The first thing: it needs more emotion from the characters. They come off as robots and the conversation is a very dry back and forth. My recommendation is to spice it up with some descriptions and emotional breaks between dialogue.

ORIGINAL:

"Tell us again. Why'd ya do it?" The detective said in a cold, harsh voice.

"I told you everything there is to know about why I killed that revolting thing." I snapped at him.

"Just tell us gain so we can be sure we got it straight." He replied in the same voice.

"Fine." I said angrily. I then started to tell him about the chain of events that got me to this point just to get this over with.

REVISED:

"Tell us again. Why'd ya do it?" the detective said in a cold, harsh voice. He was casually fiddling with the pen in his right hand.

"Goddammit, I told you everything there is to know about why I killed that revolting thing!" I snapped at him, slamming my hands on the table.

The pen halted and he sat in silence, his eyes hidden behind the glare of his glasses. I stared back, yet felt a chill slide down my back from the eerie quietness. Finally, after what felt like ages, he leaned forward, revealing an intense stare.

"Just tell us again, so we can be sure we got it straight, okay?" he replied in the same voice.

Unable to challenge the glare anymore, I turned away in defeat. "Fine," I said angrily, biting my lip. I then started to tell him about the chain of events that got me to this point just to get this over with.

It's just an example but see how we get a play of the character's actions and reactions. This is an interrogation and should have some of the intense elements an environment like such would have. It not only adds more to the setting but it breaks up the monotony of the conversation. There should pauses for tough moments, maybe even tears for areas of regret, etc...

The next thing I wanted to address was the dates. Aside from the first few, they comes off as too precise. When people discuss things, they don't just typically recite dates. It's more organic to say "a month later" or "a few weeks later" and such, even better if they can't remember the exact date but only the timeframe.

I'm big on making characters as real as possible. Let your story show their flaws, habits, accents, etc. Have her even challenge the detective a little. If he asks an obvious question (especially if she's irritated on repeating the answer), have her throw it back in his face with sarcasm.

The story seems to heavily rely on dialogue, so why not spice it up and make it real involving conversation? That's my two cents. Also, there were areas through the story that need to be addressed. Please see the brackets below:

December 23[rd,] 2004 I sat at a table in a poorly lit room. I was brought into this room by some guards for interrogation. A detective sat in front of me; he had a notebook and a pen out to write down notes he thought was important. I had been in prison for a year since I was arrested.

"Tell us again. Why'd ya do it?" [the] detective said in a cold, harsh voice.

"I told you everything there is to know about why I killed [that] revolting [thing][,]" I snapped at him.

"Just tell us [again] so we can be sure we got it straight[,]" [he] replied in the same voice.

"Fine[,]" I said angrily. I then started to tell him about the chain of events that got me to this point just to get this over with.

"How did this all start?" [the] detective asked.

"May [17th, ] 2003, I had taken a pregnancy test. I was pregnant from the [one-night] stand I had with the man two weeks before. I had forgotten to use protection. I tried to find the man a couple hours after I took the test, but he was nowhere to be found as he had already left the state the week prior. I guessed I'd just have to go it alone since I didn't really feel like finding a guy[,]" I answered.

"Why not?" [the] detective asked.

"I just didn't feel like going through the whole spiel of dating again after my boyfriend had dumped me months prior[,]" I answered.

"What happened after the pregnancy test?"

"It was July [19th, ] 2003, I had just gotten a dog a week before[;] it was a Siberian Husky. He was about 10 months old. And he was such a good boy. One of the best pups I could ever ask for[,]" I answered.

"Alright, what happened after you got the [Husky]?" [the] detective asked.

"It was August [24th,] 2003, something had started to feel a bit off about the dog. He is just doing his usual stuff and being his usual self. But I still can't help but feel that he might be wanting to do something to my baby. I guessed I'd have to keep a watchful eye on him to make sure he didn't try to do anything to the baby[,]" I answered.

"What happened after you first started to feel something off about the dog?" [the] detective asked.

"It was September [5th, ] 2003, I was still feeling a bit off about my [Husky][;] it got worse and I was starting not to trust him anymore. He was still acting like his usual self. However, I still hadn't been able to shake this feeling for a week that he was going to do something when my back was turned to him. And I could've sworn his eyes looked a little more aggressive than usual, and that his teeth looked a little sharper than usual. I just hoped he didn't hurt me or the baby or make a bad mess. I also hoped that the changes I had seen on him were just a bad dream[,]" I answered.

"What happened after the supposed changes? When did you start to hear the voices in your head you said about?" [the] detective asked.

"It was September [13th ] 2003, I couldn't take it anymore. My fear that my [Husky] who I once thought was so sweet was actually a savage, predatory beast in disguise was just starting to cripple me. I had even installed cameras inside the house to watch and make sure it didn't cause any trouble. I had started hearing the voice of a small girl in my head saying over and over again [']The disgusting mutt is evil mama. Slay that thing.['] I feared I was starting to go insane. I despised that disgusting thing. I just wanted it out of my life. But there weren't any shelters close by, so I was pretty much on my own with that demon. I said to myself[,] [']If this gets any worse though, I'm taking matters into my own hands[,][']" I answered. I understand, thank you for your suggestion.