Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25891880-20150213234540/@comment-26245764-20150326034319

The "punch line" of this story is the part at the end that implies the reader is infected but doesn't know it. The rest of the story is just a framing device to detail the parasites, so that the reader will be properly scared when they learn that. The minutia of how the narrator found out about the parasite is extraneous and serves only to slow the writing down. You should restructure the pasta to focus on the centerpiece, the parasites.

Another problem: notice how many times I had to say "the parasites" in the previous paragraph? These things are supposedly known by the scientific community, but they're never given a real name, just descriptions ("parasites" "brain-eaters"). I suggest the scientific name Comedenti Aquosa. (That's two seconds in google translate for "eater watery". You can put more thought into it if you want, as a bonus for readers who know Latin.) I would also suggest the same name for the story's title.

Finally, the last paragraph is too long and the example symptom ruins any horror the reader may have felt. Don't bother with the first question about whether the reader is infected. Assume that the reader is smart enough to realize implications of the second question. The second (now only) question should be something the reader can relate to, but doesn't blunt how scary the parasite is supposed to be. (They make you forget your last year's coursework? These brain eating monsters aren't that bad. Mostly kind of annoying, really.)

I would rewrite the story in three/four paragraphs, focusing attention on the parasites, maintaining brevity, and leaving out details about the narrator.

(optional)Two sentence introduction from the narrator. (I've recently been having headaches/blackouts. I went to the doctor and they told me I was infected with Comendenti Aquosa.)

Comendenti Aquosa is a parasitic species that infects humans. (At this point, start listing symptoms. The symptoms section should include descriptions of how thousands of the tiny animals are born in the patient's skull, eating brain matter and causing pain/memory loss/madness/death. Mention that there is no known treatment.)

(A paragraph on the infection process. It should include the preferred habitat (salt water with high chlorine levels, heat), the species's breeding season (summer), and symptoms of the infection process (something common that the reader may have experienced themselves, like painful, reddened skin that is often mistaken for sunburn). Maybe add something about the species being native to somewhere else, making inroads into the US/Europe via cheap chlorine bottles imported from third world countries.)

End with asking the reader if they've ever been to a pool and gotten sunburn.