Talk:Cold Dead Eyes/@comment-29507836-20161022155956

Bad buildup, bad ending, bad wording, unrealistic, but original and creative. I'll go deeper into what I mean.

The buildup was horrible! Just plain horrible. Once I read the bar scene, I knew what was going to happen. It also felt like the events were just written in the air; it didn't seem to traumatize the girl and she only recalled it but she didn't show any sign of fear. All you did was tell the events, but you never told what her train of thought was during the peak.

I also think that the ending is bad. Ooh, the scary events will continue and no one will believe her because it isn't true. So scary. It's just the plain ending where it keeps haunting the narrator.

Your wording was also horrid, having bad grammar and sometimes even making conversation as the sentences itself. You clearly avoided the conversations and instead tried to summarize what they were talking about instead, which is very... strange. I have seen that before, but when you just try to force it like you did with this, it is just plain bad. It was executed poorly, and if I could change anything about this story, it would be this. I also noticed that you usually started sentences wrongly by using the words but, so, and, etc. It is poor writing in general.

The actions of the woman was unrealistic; she knew that they would just stand there, why would she just stab them like that? She could just push them away and run towards a group of people to attempt having them to protect her. Instead, she goes to town on the poor bums. It is unclear why she did that and I don't know whether it was because of her illness or if it was just a poor mistake of the author.

I like the originality and the creativity of this story, although it isn't my first read of a story with people that stare at someone creepily and the person ends up crazy. The ending is slightly original, though. Most stories that involve eyes don't usually end with the main narrator being crazy, so there's that.

Overall, this is poor and I rate it a 3/10.

Example given: [''Just come in tomorrow. '']

That is supposed to be a chat bubble, but since you seemingly tried avoiding them at first, you just made it into a full sentence, which is bad since it causes confusion. I also notice that you were inconsistent with your main direction of avoiding chat bubbles. Near the end, it is seen that you can use conversations normally, so why did you even try to implement the lack of conversation/chat bubbles earlier on?