Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26330478-20150422181407/@comment-26007602-20150423145538

First off, the first sentence of the story is a huge run-on; you'll need to break it up into smaller sentences. Your formatting looks off to me (that may be due to my phone); there should only be one space inbetween each paragraph. Font size should be uniform throughout, so you'll need to change that last line. You need to capitalize the beginning Of dialogue as well. Also, you need a period or question mark at the end of each dialogue; punctuate it.

Other run on sentences I noticed: "One day after about 2 months since he appeared..." And "Then the strangest thing happened..."

Let's talk about story.

Alright, I must say that anxiety does not work that way. It does not cause hallucinations of that magnitude. I understand that that isn't really happening here, but it's hard to pass off someone hallucinating like this because of solely anxiety. I'd change it to schizophrenia or something, because it doesn't really make sense here.

The first paragraph is completely pointless and seems like a lame way to start of the story. We all know what anxiety is; we don't need a refresher. It doesn't even make sense in the context of the story; if this girl is trying to get her last message out from some random computer, then why would she go to the trouble of typing that part out? She wouldn't, so I'd delete that part entirely.

I'm wondering how much a three year old would be traumatized by such an event; would they even comprehend or remember what happened? And if they did, would it just cause them to have anxiety? I think the answer is no in both cases.

The narrator isn't very well done. Her (and I'm assuming it's a she because her name is "KyKy", which is strange to say the least) only defining character trait is that she has anxiety. There's no other depth or characteristics that make us care about her in any way. As such, we aren't frightened when she's taken into "the mind". You need to flesh her out more, give her a personality, and give readers a reason to care about her plight. Currently, I was rooting for her demise when she nonsensically ignores her deceased sisters advice and goes with the bad man. Why does she do this? There's no reason other than to move the plot into "the mind". Get her there another way, one that doesn't involve blatant stupidity on our protagonists part.

The ending makes absolutely no sense. This man just shows up with little prior build up and goes to "the special place". Why? How does this relate to our characters anxiety that you spent so much time building up? It doesn't seem to be symbolic; she isn't trapped in her mind in a metaphorical sense; she literally goes to this special place. Maybe you can explain your intentions, but I don't see what this ending has to do with the beginning of the story. The man himself is rather lacking in description: we know he's blue and missing half his skin and eye. Is that supposed to be creepy? Because I think you could do better than that.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but this story needs some serious work to be published on the site.