Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25547916-20141112050012/@comment-25439157-20141114124105

I have two suggestions based on the rhythm

I sink on further down in muck. could be, I sink further down in the muck. To make it sound better.

and

I wish that somehow I could beat -you could add a word between somehow and I. For example: I wish somehow that I could beat. Also I think it should be can beat. That won't change the rhythm, so you can use it.

You've built up a nice catchy rhythm here, which is what makes this poem a good read. I found only two wavers in the rhythm, that have been mentioned above. Don't call it the lord of flies, though. It sounds like a spoiler.