Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150606141940/@comment-26399604-20161002010820

Hi Loki,

First, I apologize for taking so long to give you my review. There was a lot going on outside of the site for me. When I did have time, I pulled up your story to read what I could and took notes along the side as I went.

To start off, I want to say this was a nice story to read. I like the concept of the entity killing in a pattern (red marks and the asphyxiation) and the mystery behind why and how it chose its victims.

I really enjoyed the fact that the horror went beyond its intended purpose (with the entity going after people even if they had nothing to do with Ethan's death). It's a nice point to show that things don't always go as planned (or can be fully controlled), especially when dealing with dark forces.

I do wish there was more dialogue within the story between characters - meaning we actually see what their talking about versus a summarization of their conversations. However, I understand that this was done on purpose due to the story being told from notes taken through Alexander's therapy. So I cannot really fault you on that.

Overall, I think this was a solid read with a nice "other-worldly" entity which I love to see in horror stories.

I did note some areas that should be addressed. Please see the "[]" for corrections/suggestions:

+As her voice became stern, “What has gotten into you? [You've shouted at me like this.”] -  Should this be 'why are you shouting at me like?'  

+Passed midnight he dropped asleep, [but it was from an imagined bondage that his mind leaped to the hideous sounds] of slow but sure low and throaty growls like canine making guttural sounds in water. --' Is this referring to if he felt some constraint over his body? I couldn't understand the context of this area '

+Alexander awoke to a clatter [of] noises from upstairs. --  Correction - missing the word 'of'  

+He had read [a] few – the planetary manual Heptameron of Peter de Abano and the scholarly Three Books of Occult Philosophy. --  Correction - missing the word 'a'  

+In the midst of his turmoil, a [terrific] lightning bolt went by the window, which curiously made the whole terror collapse as water. -- ' Should this be 'terrifying'. If not, disregard '

+[Ilse Viser begins an affair with Jack Langley, March 2009 – her knowledge and studies in the occult well known....

...April 1st, request a copy of Ken’s findings. ] 

--  I suggest Italicizing this whole passage from the book to differentiate from the normal text 

+After Alecia’s hanging [in 1692], Lucius swore retribution --  Add a space between words 

+Everything seemed so surreal now that he wished his flesh could melt away into a vapor, as he recalled what led him to promise [to] not end his life. --  Correction - missing the word 'to'    

+[Oh Lazarus...

...Uw zonen en dochters stijgen in huis Bylands.] 

--  I suggest Italicizing this whole phrase to differentiate from the normal text 

+It all felt like he was on a sinking ship, [were] none knew his feeling or experiences. --  Should this be 'where' ? 

+ Shrugging and disclosing [his] suspension from school, he then spoke of his inference about the news and inquired if she felt or seen anything odd. --  Correction - changed word to his 

+She [stared] into space, seemingly remote. --  Tense change 

+The dream, he could not stomach, for not only was this vision different and appeared disturbingly real [but] the words Ken spoke gravely troubled him. -- Missing the word 'but'  

+On the city bus, he saw a person who looked a few years younger than [him] approach him. --  Missing the word 'him'  

+Clawing to the surface, lurching like a lizard covered in black oil, it crawled low toward them until the head, hands, and feet of the entity [were] seen. -- word change 

+Having prior knowledge of these things it was only [after] Jack’s request to follow him into the basement that Alexander felt his skin tighten. -- missing a word 

+Alexander started to realize the [vault's] content at seeing a sealed coffin --  corrected word 

+It was for six days he felt nausea, and during it, [terrific] dreams came. -- Should this be 'terrifying'? 

+He [displayed] strange fancies and confesses to hearing an inner morbid longing to stay with Emilia. --  Tense changes