Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27070566-20160825152626/@comment-28266772-20160826155006

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution.

There, ask the receptionist to see someone called “The Holder of The Book”.

She or he will look at you in awe, with a big smile on its [his/her – a gender neutral article can be ‘they’ for simplicity’s sake FYI] face … almost too big. It '[a repetition like this suggests it’s not a one off error. But to be clear, ‘it’ should only ever be used for non-human entities and a receptionist doesn’t really qualify] then [will then] opens [open] a backdoor, just behind the counter leading to a hallway, fairly lit, with a long neon [neon what?] 'running across the middle that looks like it will never end. On the sides of this hallway rooms, white rooms [hallway are white rooms] with a thick door [thick doors] and a small window with holes in it. [small windows; also the ‘holes in it’ thing isn’t very clear]

You must follow, close, [get rid of the commas and just have “follow closely”] almost breathing in its neck. [on its neck – your use of ‘it’ here has ruined any potential surprises you had with regards to the receptionist at this stage.]

   Do not look away from the back of its head.

You will hear pleads for mercy, screams of agony from: small children, women, men, old and young. [no need for a comma here just list with commas]

You must not look away from your companion, if you do so it will disappear, even if you only gazed [glanced not ‘gazed’ – by definition a ‘gaze’ is a ‘steady intent look’] away for a second and then you will be alone, walking for what will appear like years until you finally reach a point where …   [this ellipsis doesn’t work] a room awaits you on the right side, much like the ones you just past [passed] by and in it you will spend the rest of eternity, alone, screaming and pleading for mercy as [like] the others [comma] for voices will begin to fill your head as [after] you enter [entered] the room, and the door closes [closed] behind you.

But if you follow the receptionist close, with your sight on it and it only you will now have arrived at the end of the hallway when it will stop and turn…

Only to reveal a corpse: rotten, the big smile still on its face even though it had no lips; eye sockets empty, like a blank portal into the void; '[full stop not a semicolon. Also this twist is ruined by your use of ‘it’]'

You must not look away from those hollow eye sockets: you will have flashes of every wrong doing since the begging of time. From murders, tortures, rapes and other heinous acts to a simple lie told by a child to its [their – dammit you can’t keep using it to refer to humans] mother.

If you’re not driven insane by those scenes you will hear a cough from your right side, in one of the rooms.

Only then you must ask calmly: “Is there a God?”

The rotten corpse [will] then crumbles [crumble]; search the remains, somewhere there must [will] be a key.

With the key you will open the door to your right, [get rid of comma] to find a young beautiful lady standing in the middle of the room, facing you with crystal blue eyes and a [get rid of ‘a’] blond hair, [replace comma with ‘and’] skin white as milk.

She is [will be] holding a book; Made [no semi colon and no capital] of leather with a red fabric line for a bookmark.

She will open this book and ask you: “What do you think I am?”

<p class="MsoNormal">You must not answer, don’t speak a single word or you will faint only to wake up in what you would imagine is hell; being tortured until the end of time.

<p class="MsoNormal">But wait and she will speak again; with a grin on her face, she will ask you:

<p class="MsoNormal">“What is your worst sin human?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Only now look into her eyes and give your honest answer, the one thing that you are most ashamed for, think hard as it could be something that you will not consciously consider your worst sin.

<p class="MsoNormal">If your answer isn’t the one she wants, you will be drawn to her only to see her change her appearance into a monstrous being and [that will] torture your worst sin out of you.

<p class="MsoNormal">If the answer delights her, she will start laughing hysterically only to stop dead serious again [full stop]

<p class="MsoNormal">“You were honest seeker, for this you can have my book but thread [tread] carefully: [comma not colon] for no one is without sin, not even your God if he’s still around here [full stop]”