Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27755241-20160327023501/@comment-28055451-20160327033141

Hey. Here is what I thought:

"Karen, of course, was worried sick, about him," You don't need a comma between 'sick' and 'about'.

"if she would enter his room without permission. So she doesn’t try to bring him to eat dinner yesterday."You switched teces here. From past (would) to present (doesn't).

"“ I wish his father would be bothered to check on him…”" This is worded a bit awkwardly Maybe "I wish his father would bother to check on him...", rather than 'be bothered'.

" but, as door opened, she saw, that Bobby was awake." You don't need a comma between 'but' and 'as', and 'saw' and 'that'.

"He was just sitting on the edge of the bed and watched little TV." Again, you switched tenses, and you should say 'watched a little TV'.

"watched it, after he got on the Internet." No comma here.

"quietly said Karen." You meant: 'Karen said quietly.'

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"from a screen."--- You meant: 'from the screen.'

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"“Bobby, your father… He isn’t always means...“' You meant: 'He doesn't always mean'

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"“ They better.”"You meant: 'They are better."

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I stopped grammar checking at this point. The following are my thoughts on the story itself:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m gonna be honest dude. This story is bad. Not only is it filled with multiple grammatical errors, but the plot isn't exciting and is poorly executed. Your idea isn't bad, but It was so poorly executed, the good idea you had never came through. I stopped proofreading halfway because I knew I would be up all night. I am assuming that English isn't your primary language? Again, I don't mean to be hurtful, but this very well written, and I would definitely find someone who has the time to thoroughly proofread this for you before you consider posting it.