Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33488654-20180822020522/@comment-36393004-20180823213931

Ok, like most have said you have an OK premise for a story. The facts are there but it's being force fed and makes for a less than enjoyable read. The way each line breaks it's just like what  some others have said it sounds like I am being read instructions, "The road is here. *PAUSE* You will take a left. *PAUSE* Continue on for three miles. *PAUSE*" Each time you make a reader pause with this story it pulls them out of the experience. Within the first few lines they are disconnected. Wizard gave you a great example of how a well structured story should look, read, and feel when reading. You want each sentence to flow together and when you must transition to a new idea try to do is gracefully. Unless your intention is a sudden shock (for effect) then we don't want to get whiplash while reading. You want to gradually pull them in while giving the reader the information they need to "see" the world you are placing them in. To me it still seems like the skeleton of what it could be.