Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25170312-20140817035754/@comment-25156307-20140820160406

The setting for this story is one I haven't seen, and which like. New houses can be just as unsettling as old ones, and this is definitely a good way to do it. One thing I think would have improved the telling is more description. I want to hear more about the house, the area it's in, the holes in the yard, how the narrator is feeling while bored/high/scared, the personalities of the characters... There doesn't have to be big paragraphs, just more statements interspersing the dialogue and action that will flesh out your world a little more. Also, the tone of your description doesn't have to match the mood of your narrator; for instance, even if your narrator is bored at the time, the house should still be described in unsettling terms.

Also, feel free to take it a little slower. I'd say spend a little more time looking at the medical papers, or poking around the room where they found the drawing. Particularly if you slow down while winding up the creepiness of your descriptions, you'll have a lot more suspense to work with.

Lastly, it seemed like your characters didn't respond strongly enough to the car and then Melanie disappearing. It's fine if they play off the creepy drawings, but having the cars disappear from under their nose is kind of a big thing to laugh about. Though, if you wanted to maintain their obliviousness a little longer, you could have a character or few disappear at the same time as the cars, and have everyone assume that they were playing a joke, only to set the stage for a different (and larger) reveal.

Anyway, I like the story, and hope you develop it more! I'd definitely say you should add a paragraph about the Montauk Project - it would help set the scene, and tell a little more about what these friends were like. (Might even warrant a story or two of its own, actually. It sounds awesome).