Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25036236-20150121011020/@comment-24281984-20150121184511

" It was about 6:00 PM, so it was night, and I was driving around town, listening and dancing to "Working for the weekend" (I've always been that type of guy)"

First off, the "so it was night" isn't needed and should be removed. If the "Working for the weekend" bit is a song title, it should be capitalized as "Working For the Weekend".

"The workers told me he founded the store, and died of being mutilated then blown up."

Who, whoa, red flag right here. We're gonna need more detail than that to get interested or it comes off as a lazy way to build atmosphere. Give us some background on this- like what kind of a perosn the worker was, the day and time he died, what any investigators (like the police or paramedics) thought of it. Unless it's not important to the story- and if that's the case, it should be removed- random bits of violence or shocking content don't really mean much.

Are the pictures really necessary? Others might disagree, but I personally don't see much point in including pictures to a creepypasta unless they are needed to help understand something, like a map or diagram. You should be able to give us a good image of Vincent and Jester with words instead of relying on images.

So far, the writing is still pretty passive and uninteresting- there's not much to keep my interest. I really feel like you should try writing in third person perspective instead of first as it generally allows more freedom to describe the enviornment and the actions of each character, especially if the protagonist is going to be hurt or killed in this story.

"It's" doesn't need an apostrophe if it indicates ownership.

"But..." should be just "but". It's not a line of dialogue.

No service on a cellphone? Why is that? Is the MC in an isolated area? Is his town or city having to go without service for a bit for repairs or something? Again, an explanation of some sort is needed here.

"Winded" should be "wound".

The last few paragraphs feel even more rushed than the rest of the story. We're not given any time to feel anything for the MC or any other character because it's written so blandly- just "this happened-then this happened-then that happened" etc. You really need to work on slowing down and building atmosphere if you want anyone to enjoy this story because I'm going to forget all about it as soon as I leave this page.

And as before, an "If you ever, never..." ending is really cliched and rarely a good way to end a scary story. Try something else. I know endings can be hard, I get that, but it feels like you didn't even try to follow my advice the second time around.

It's not an improvement or a downgrade, it's the same thing. It's not well-written and the story feels too rushed for it to leave any sort of impact on the reader. I suggest before trying to improve it, you read a few short stories or books by published authors to get a sense of how to build atmosphere and set up a good pacing because that's what I feel needs the most improvement. It's not completely hopeless but you really need to try harder.