Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20161231190406/@comment-30891328-20161231193937

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I'm sorry but a lot of issues that were present in your previous story have carried over here.

Sentences that need to be broken up. "Hi, I'm John, but people like to call me Mike, that's probably because my last name is Michaels I'm a cop for a town, I can't tell you our name or location, It's for your own safety.", "But a few nights ago, I was walking down the street to be alone, and as soon as I looked at my phone and saw that it was exactly 3AM, I looked up to see that it was standing right in the middle of the street, only this time it was smiling at me, and had sharp teeth!", etc.

Awkward wording: "It started when I got a call from an old lady saying that there was a strange looking man stalking her from the forest behind her.", "I don't know what I keep seeing, but I bet it's evil. (lines like this need explanation or reasoning to make them effective. Why does he assume it's evil? Add some description/personality to the entity to make it more involving)", "I'm got to go, I need to get to work.", etc.

Wording issues: "we came back and told her that there was nobody in those woods, but she continue (continued) to swear to us that she wasn't seeing things.", "I told Peter that I was gonna watch the house for the rest of the night, I asked him if he could to (too) but he said", "I knew something was up, but I now know, that I was right more than I thought.", "I (go/went) back to the porch and pulled out my gun, but as soon as I turned around", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself as these issues are prevalent throughout the work.

Capitalization: "I can't tell you our name or location, It's for your own safety.", " he (He) went home while I was sitting on the back porch of the house staring at those woods.", " I turned around…. That (that) thing was gone. (ellipses signify omission of words or a pause. As you're continuing a sentence, the word proceeding ellipses shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a proper noun or a completely new sentence)"

Story issues: "John, I'd like to, but I got a wife and kids to feed." How does that have any bearing on his inability to participate in the stakeout? Do you mean he has to go get them food/dinner. When someone says I have a wife and/or kids to feed, they're generally implying that they have to work or need money ('Why'd you steal my watch?' 'Because I have a family to feed!'). So why is he using that as his excuse for not joining in on the stake-out? Additionally what reason does Michaels have for staking out the house instead of following up on other reports/calls? The perp has likely left the scene so why would he waste a night watching over the house?

Story issues continued: Then there's the ending. "You might think I'm paranoid, but I think that text and that creature that looks like me, are connected. I'm got to go, I need to get to work." It's extremely anti-climactic. He draws these connections and you don't really do anything with it. Like your previous story, it feels like you have an idea about what is happening, but aren't conveying it to the audience which makes the story seem uninteresting and unfocused.

It feels like this is an unfinished story. There isn't much that happens and there's no climax to the story that brings a sense of resolution. Even the title "The truth behind reality" seems out of place since there's no reference to it in the story and contextually there's very little to actually go on. There are a lot of issues here and if I'm being honest, this story doesn't really meet quality standards for the issues outlined above. Thanks, I guess.