Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9967354-20140702062156/@comment-24918243-20140702182025

Booboofinger wrote: I like the poem and the concept. My main observation is that at times it's a bit sing-songy. Maybe a bit more variation in rhythm would fix that. I realize rhythm is the hardest part in poetry, and when I was writing poems myself, the rhyming dictionary was my best friend. Also, since poems are somewhat like a house of cards, I'm reluctant to offer any suggestions to the wording, since they could cause the whole poem to fall apart.

The point about the tree needing a life is abundantly clear, the rage the narrator feels is a little less obvious.

The one stanza I found a bit confusing was this:

"To let one go so we might stay;

To sacrifice brothers this way.

Impregnate sisters, kill babies.

Tree lives, we live. With more dismay."

The first two lines are pretty clear, but there is some confusion on the next part leaves me wondering if the pregnancies are planned around sacrificing the baby to the tree or not. Also an observation the -ay ending really makes it sing-songy as it's a sound that is easy to rhyme and therefore overused in poetry. Again, the rhyming dictionary might save you there.

Overall, I do like the poem though. If I were to change the title, since you expressed you thought it was weak, I would probably call it either The Heart Tree or Tree of the Beating Heart. "Tree of Life", which SoPretentious suggested just has too many Kabalistic undertones and this poem is clearly more on a pagan, nature/fertility worship vain.

I hope this helps.