Talk:The Silent Chalkboard/@comment-26248899-20150509230830

Hi, you asked me for some criticisms on my suggestion thread, so I'll try to be general.

1. Try to avoid repeating words. In paragraph 2, you use the word "desk" 4 times. In paragraph 4, you use the word "chalkboard" 5 times. I know the chalkboard is the focal object of the story, but when it's repeated so much is makes for difficult reading and even more difficult narration. Go through the story again and note what words you use multiple times, try to refer to them with a synonym if you have to mention them again.

2. Try to avoid sentences that detract from the story or kill the flow of the reading. "He was not going on the bus because his mother agreed to take him home." - This is a good example as while it is related to the story, it doens't really mean anything important. Even if Jake was going to the bus, he was still determined to go to the chalkboard, it wouldn't have made a different if his Mom was picking him up."

3. " They were choking him, stinging him, and ripping him apart from his intestines to the outside of his body until he was struggling in his own blood." The added gore feels out of place as the death scene is very short, and gore didn't exist throughout the rest of the story. I think the sentence was fine without the evisceration.

4. On a more subjective note, the ending is good in concept, but it does feel rushed and sort of anti-climactic. Hornets can be terrifying, but why are they in there? Why can only Jake hear them? Are they supernatural in some way? It is difficult for me to suspend my disbelief when schools regularly have to deal with beehives and termite infestations. Like I said, the ending is a good concept, but it needs to be flushed out as to why only Jake can hear them. Consider adding another paragraph that adds explanation but still leaves the story open to interpretation.

Hope this helps!