Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26097843-20150217200242/@comment-25682745-20150218135852

First of all, I can't have helped but notice you wrote your pasta in 2nd person, a very unique and rare quality. I really like that someone is trying something new on here.

I personally feel like it's full of cliches. The cliches include: shadowy figure (who hasn't heard that before?) red eyes, (maybe something like "bright" or "glaring" red eyes would spice it up a bit.) Also, I couldn't help but notice the fancying of bodily functions (bleeding, hormones being released, heart racing) Bleeding is okay, even normal. You overused "heart racing" a bit though. While I was reading your pasta, I felt like I had to rush through it so I could finish it. You don't want that from your reader. You want your reader to read it nice and slowly, enjoying the pasta.

I didn't find the pasta very scary. There is blood and a dementor with eyes. That's about it. Ask yourself this when you revise: "What makes my pasta unique from the others?". No matter how big or small the unique feature is, it usually helps.

There are a few grammar errors dotted throughout the pasta (I changed  the sentences a bit to match the grammar):

1. "You take a look but you already know what it is blood all over your arm. Your heart started to race when you noticed your other hand scratching the itch."

2." "(captial J)ust a dream" you assure yourself. "Just a dream(.)"

3." (captial Y)ou then feel warm liquid on your bed. Confused you look (note: look where?) Blood, (omitted second "blood" and "everywhere")  (lowercase a)ll over your bed.