Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26060404-20150131043216/@comment-26007602-20150131092125

Alright, so there are a few obvious things you need to fix.

First off, I have no idea what is up with your formatting. You only need one space between each paragraph. Also, I'm not sure what font you're using, but it needs to be changed to the default wiki font (I'm not sure what that font actually is, as it always appears normal when I post something; your title is the correct font though). These two issues will do wonders in approving the "readability" of the story.

Your grammar seems mostly intact, although for some reason the story changes to present tense here:

"I walk into the store to see a peculiar sight. It torn to shreds. Cheetos, beer and the like thrown everywhere, in the back, the refrigeration area had the glass on the doors broken, it looked as if someone had robbed the place. The strangest part was that the clerk was just standing there, in the dark.

Thinking little of anything else but getting home, I start to walk over to him, to ask if he could turn on pump number three, but as I go to reach for my wallet, it wasn’t there. I desperately search my pockets, but to no avail. "

This part needs to be in past tense to be consistent with the rest of the story.

But, even after all that, my main issue with the story is the protagonist. He is an asshole. Now, I'm not saying you can't make your main character an ass, but the main character must be likable or relatable in some way, especially in horror. This allows readers to emphasize with the character and be more affected by the events that befall the character. Your intention may be to create a dislikable character, but you don't want one so unlikable that the reader stops reading the story because of it.

Your character is just obnoxious. I like to think of myself as an advocate for the use of swearing, but only when it is necessary. Your character swears so unnecessarily that I almost stopped reading (and I would have if I wasn't planning on leaving a review). His swearing is not relatable and informal; he just comes off as a jackass. When a character rants about ending his life repeatedly, he'd better be relatable and have a damn good reason for wanting to do so (even if that reason is flawed), or he just ends up a clichéd "edgy teenager." Nobody wants to read about a clichéd "edgy teenager."

I'd also advise against submitting this in parts. Why not just write the whole story and submit that? As it stands, the ending falls rather flat (partially because I hate the character so much I don't care about his plight). As it currently is, it is very abrupt and unfulfilling.

There's nothing particularly creepy about the story either, mostly because you give us the character's backstory instead of any build up. Let's talk about the backstory. It does not need to be there if it does not factor into the story; you can nix it entirely. In fact, it almost contradicts the story. You describe the character as a fat bastard, but he later becomes a skilled hunter, able to chase down a young woman and consume her. Either he needs a "weight loss transition" or he needs to not be so large in the first place.

Your story moves far too quickly in the events. Slow down, let the reader take in the scenery, give us some tension and build up. This is crucial. There is nothing enjoyable about reading: "I did this and then I did this and then I go do this and then..."

I don't personally enjoy the story concept, as zombies have been done to death by everyone, but I can see that it has potential. It just feels rather incomplete at the moment, I hope you will flesh it out a bit more when you write the subsequent parts (and please, combine them into one story; it will be much better that way).

I'll admit that I'm tired and perhaps a bit grumpy, so this review might come off a bit harsh. My points however, still stand. I hope you find this useful.