Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25769703-20141204165649/@comment-21418328-20141211100112

You're missing something really important in the story: A point.

Let me put this to you bluntly, it really seemed like there was utterly no reason for the torture. "We're going to conduct an experiment on some screwed up people but we don't really know what we hope to accomplish!" that's the issue here. You need to put a little bit more foundation to your story, you skipped over that and began building bricks on top of something that was structurally weak.

What separates them from the rest of the criminals in this world? Why are they being subjected to cruel tortures. Also, develop it a bit more. Throw in some transitions of them being sane and gradually lapse them into a world of darkness and misunderstanding. You have a cool concept that you managed to convey in a horrible way.

Basically I'm going to say Watcher's review seemed pretty accurate, and I told you if you didn't meet my high standards I was going to remove little Susan from the equation. I hope you're happy with yourself, Derek.