Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-28266772-20160527194341/@comment-27838637-20160608123228

I'm pretty happy with how the story is, so I'm afraid I can't provide a response as detailed as the one you have given me.

For starters, it is well written, and there is a clear distinction between the Sheriff and Phil's letters. The conclusion is wholly satisfying, and allows the story to come full circle.

There are some issues I would adress if I were you. Firstly, I think the timeline of events is a little confusing. It was a little hard to track at what stage in the events each letter was written at. Also, I found it a little confusing at first differentiating between the characters. To fix this, I think having a small summary consisting of; who wrote the letter; who it is adressed to; and the date it was written (similarly to Give It Everything, but in a more appropriate form as these are letters).

It could be just because I've had a long day, but I think each characters relation to the victim needs to be a little more clear. At first I had no idea who Andrew was, and I just speculated he was a friend. I still have no idea who David Marshall is. It just needs a little more refining in order to be clear.

I also think that the opening paragraph needs a rewrite. Upon reading the story for the first time, the opening seemed to ramble on and was a little boring and confusing. It makes more sense on a second readthrough - but unfortunately many readers will judge a story based on how it opens; and right now the opening isn't as strong as it needs to be. Keep the same form, but make sure it is more C.A.R.E.F.U.L. ;) Haha. But in all seriousness just give it a do-over to make it a little more concise and captivating.

That's really all I have to say. It's a good story, but it just needs a little clarification in some spots!