Talk:Tobit: The Bleeding Sky/@comment-25941663-20150208165735

Just to get it out of the way: I don't think the story should be categorized under 'Diary/Journal'.

Also, I have taken the liberty to edit some minor mistakes I found + I edited 'Whitehall Place' to 'Whitehall Palace', as I think this is what you wanted to write but I am not sure.

I want to point out that dinosaurs roamed the earth from 230-65 million years ago. Allens's remark in 'The Think Tank' section, 'the carbon dating was thousands years off' is a bit pointless, as a few thousand years are nothing compared to the time of the dinosaurs. In 'Epor and the Primes', Hart mentions this again (although he is a bit more reasonable). This makes the scientists sound a bit off. It is a tiny nitpick, I know, but I thought I should let you know.

Let's start the review:

First of, I have to say that the length of this was perfect for the story.

I really liked the sense of scientific mystery in the pasta. I was hooked instantly and you kept giving the right amount of information to keep the reader intrigued throughout the pasta without overwhelming him/her with detail.

The little speeches that you wrote are also very fascinating and really fleshed Clair out as a determined and strong individual.

The high point of the story is certainly the dialogue and the little exchanges between the characters. They were very natural and flowed nicely.

Personally, I would have liked to see the transition from 'her colleagues hating her' to 'her colleagues respecting and caring for her' to be a bit smoother. It seems that it happens overnight. I understand that writing the transition in more detail would result in a much bigger pasta, but I think it would have added a lot to character development.

Overally, this was a very enjoyable read. I think this will serve as a very strong basis for future installments in your trilogy. I am looking forward to reading more of your stories.