Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26891175-20150904172835/@comment-25980905-20150905000705

This is going to be reasonably short because this story leaves very little to work with, let's begin shall we?

Overview

As an unfinished Creepypasta, I will be offering slight leniency on the fact that your grammar isn't doing all that well here (i.e. Letters that should be capitalised aren't, letters that shouldn't be are capitalised are capitalised and there is a lack of apostrophes where apostrophes are needed). Your story doesn't exactly give reviewers much to work off of; I would have preferred a summary of what will happen after what you have presented or even just a full draft. However, from what I can see, this story needs to be built on. You need to describe your characters outside of just their names, the fact that they're friends and go to the same school and that they like playing games. So far, it seems pretty basic and the description you use is purely plot based (having things there because the plot demands it, it makes the story predictable). I would suggest building on your characters more, that way people will care a lot more if weird stuff starts happening to them.

The dialogue in this story is also of conscern, as at times it makes no sense in the way it is presented.

''Hey have you found any new teamspeak servers

I asked Nick

He answered no, Then asked why?''

I believe it would be better phrased as:

''"Hey, have you found any new Teamspeak servers?" I asked Nick.

"No," he answered before asking, "Why?"''

Overall

This story is incredibly hard to judge as it is, as you have expressed, unfinished. However, as it stands now and if this quality continues, I fear it may not reach the quality standards of the Wiki. Therefore, you should strive more on developing Characters and Settings and focus less on the whole 'I'll only describe what is necessary for the plot' thing you're starting to do. Whilst stories that progress fast are great and all, the lack of meat on a skeleton is just that: a skeleton that can't move or do anything.

Anyway, I hope this helped you and I'm looking forward to seeing your improved story some time.