Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26487201-20150615190627/@comment-4750363-20150616183116

...I find this story severely lacking in quality.

It's way too short to introduce the concept properly, although it's interesting. All characters don't play anything in the story, this just jumps from plot point to plot point. You need to expand a little, build an atmosphere, create a story out of what you have right now. Here you only have a summary.

In this state this story wouldn't be accepted in the quality standards of the site, I'm afraid.