Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28299494-20160612222805/@comment-24101790-20160613032440

I'm sorry, but there are a lot of problems here ranging from punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues. Starting with the basics, please use source mode when posting was visual editor gives you these coding issues: " " on every line.

"Some even worked on The Brooklyn Bridge." The doesn't need capitalization. "Now It’s (it's) on to the final room,"

"and(although still very dim) there is light." should be "and (although still very dim) there is light."

"I was getting more and more sceptical the more I looked through this room." I'm not sure you mean to use skeptical here as it means not easily convinced; having doubts. What is he getting skeptical of, do you mean paranoid/worried/unsettled/perturbed/etc.

You also need to space between dialogue. "locked,”Sure(space needed) am thankful that I brought some extra tools,” I thought." Additionally the comma between locked and sure should probably be a period as it isn't setting up the dialogue/thought. "there.”Well maybe they’re on the other side, after all this roof is huge and very steep,”", "nothing.”What happened to them, they wouldn’t have just bailed as I drove them here. Their houses are also miles away from here it’s very unlikely they just walked home. At this point I was very confused and a little creeped out.(quotation also missing)

"Relived, I noticed something in the bed." should be "Relived (Relieved), I noticed something in the bed." Additionally, why is he relieved by this. He's basically trapped in the house and so worried he's called emergency services, why would he feel at ease with seeing something under the covers of a bed?

"the person in the house had fled and that they saw two bodies hanged by a rope form (sic) the roof."

"This is why you are reading this now and I have never been to that house again(period missing)"

Onto the story issues:

"However, just yesterday she died supposedly of a heart attack at age 83." If you're going to imply doubt this early in the story, you need to give evidence to back it up. What causes the protagonist to have doubts that it wasn't a heart attack that killed her? You really shouldn't be showing your hand this early in the story and implying foul play just yet as it seems to be a major part of the climax. ("”I killed her.” It all made sense to me now, she didn’t die of a heart attack, she was murdered."")

You need to explain a lot of things. "So, my team and I are now having to empty her house of its furniture and replace parts of the house tomorrow." So I go to the house at 3 a.m. with my buddies to check it out, they told me they would check the outside and the roof while I would check inside." Why are they starting so late at night? "So now it was time to check upstairs, and as I climbed up, I don’t know why but, I was feeling a sense of dread and fear." Why is he so apprehensive? "I checked the guest bedroom. I don’t know why but it seemed depressing to look at and apparently someone had written on the wall. It was like graffiti rather than a message but it was still strange. I’m pretty sure it said something like welcome or hello. I couldn’t tell because first there was no power and the word was overlapped by the art on the wall." First off, why would the power be cut so quickly. She died the day before and most power companies take time to cut power (but still leave water running). Why would your buddies remove the power cables anyway (additionally, that really isn't how they cut power for a place)? There are a lot of these instances throughout the story. Remember, it's always best to be descriptive on points that could be problematic or create plot holes.

More plot holes: if the protagonist is locked in the bathroom, that has no lights, how are they able to unscrew the hinges in complete darkness? Why/how would the person who killed the protagonist's mom dig her up, put her back in bed, and write all these messages. Additionally, why would they do all of this? Why after, seemingly, getting away with the crime would they stage this elaborate show for the protagonist.

"”I killed her.” It all made sense to me now, she didn’t die of a heart attack, she was murdered." How exactly does any of this make sense to the protagonist? There really seems to be no motive here and their actions seem pretty off the wall. Not only is the culprit capable of simultaneous killing/hanging two men without detection, but they are also able to write messages, move bodies, barricade doors, etc. all in the space of a single night. I'm left wondering why they're doing any of this.

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here and there really doesn't seem to be any reason for the antagonist to do any of these things. Even if they did (somehow) plan all of this as some elaborate form of revenge, how exactly are they carrying this out and for what purpose? As was the case with "What Lies Beyond the Flagpole", there really isn't any explanation given for anyone's actions here. While a bit of mysteriousness can enhance a story, you should still leave breadcrumbs for the audience to follow to reach their own conclusion. This just feels like scary events for the sake of scary events which really detracts from the overall story.