Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24181913-20150211004011/@comment-25226524-20150211005902

Well I have to say that you have a pretty nice concept, but that's where the positive points stop. Your writing is too bland and way too fast. This escalates at such a speed that I felt like I was in a race to the end. You need to slow it down and expand it. There is no description whatsoever in this story and that is a big no no. Show us what's happening instead of telling us. Also, the police log at the end is way off the mark of what a real police log would look like; it reads more like an officer's journal or something.

I think you have a concept that could turn into a real nice story if you're willing to put in the effort to developing the story properly. The dryness is the main reason it was deleted I'm sure. Read the writing advice under the Community tab at the top of the page, and I would also recommend reading some other stories from the Suggested Reading category to get a better idea of what a well developed story should look like. Keep writing. Good luck.