Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170213055706/@comment-5101683-20170214062717

Have you experienced death, ma'am?

First, good things. I think this is better than your previous work. It feels like a whole story, and it flows well.

However, I thought that there could have been more description. Like, have the people in the story go "Ew." That way, it'll feel more human. What would you do if you saw "a pirahna pool, a set of three mannequins dressed as a woman and two children, and a chest of human hearts"? If you make each of these things a separate paragraph, it'll feel better in my opinion.

Also, I think that they should sneak out without their parents' express permission. Maybe one of them could have parents who work? That equals free time.

That said, I have a proposition. You know your previous story with the protagonists and the red? Make Mr. Pat have knives. Make him do what the protagonists in that story did. Please make something like that. I beg you. It just feels like something you could pull off to me.

(Also, this is just my opinion, but I think the story about the girl with the black eyes was really good. Just don't go back to making it about scary one-liners. Have the girl with black eyes just stand around and do creepy things if you're going to have that. Please please please?)