Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5462912-20170821101838/@comment-7673575-20170823163124

Hmm. It has good potential, but I advise you to add more details.

First and foremost, we need explanation, straight-forward or subtle, why did the game behave as it did when Kane played it. Ambiguity is good when dealing with critters, but in this case, it isn't really scary.

Second, the scare factor of the story lacks itself: It simply isn't scary enough. The descriptions aren't graphical enough, and the overall atmosphere is as bland as a pasta without sauce. Add a bit more blood and gore and/or psychological terror. Make the reader scared. But before you do, ask yourself: "What would scare me?" And when you come to conclusion, incorporate it into story.

And this here could help you with the grammar: Your grammar is rather good now, but it may come in handy in future.

And most of all, you need to work on the punchline (in a lack of better term).

Good luck!