Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31308655-20170617020310/@comment-24101790-20170617031624

XZonafer wrote: Alright, first off I do acknowledge certain mistakes, but in the copy of my story that you deleted, there was not this much content. Second, I was actually thinking of making the theme more of an 'experiment-gone-wrong' type, but then remembered that it is noted as one of the general cliches on the Cliches/Tropes list page, so I kinda scrapped the idea. Third, I personally enjoy the idea of combining tenses as it give a sense of detachment to reality, something I was trying to achieve (Not Psychosis-type, though). Fourth, 2nd person is a rarely-used perspective because the type of literature being written usually does not fit with the theme. However, creepypasta stories seem to take this perspective levels higher with their basic context and/or genre. Finally, I do see in certain parts ("Newfound strength and hormones fill your body...") where it becomes a tongue-twister, but in most other cases, it seems to run with the basic story. Anyways, thanks for helping out, I'll be sure to keep these suggestions in mind when I'm re-phrasing my story!

Have a great day!

Just giving you an overview and decided to include the errors I found in the earlier rendition (like the wall of text habit) as they are pretty similar to your story above for the sake of improving your writing.

"Third, I personally enjoy the idea of combining tenses as it give a sense of detachment to reality, something I was trying to achieve (Not Psychosis-type, though)." It still really doesn't fit in with the story and trying to justify the errors doesn't really improve the idea much (you could say the same of Squidward's Suicide, but it doesn't really fix the issues present in that story). It's like claiming all the mechanical issues listed above are done to convey the sense the the author is an unreliable protagonist. It could be true, but there are easier, more effective ways to convey that to an audience than intentionally making mistakes.

"Fourth, 2nd person is a rarely-used perspective because the type of literature being written usually does not fit with the theme. However, creepypasta stories seem to take this perspective levels higher with their basic context and/or genre." Generally when second person perspective is utilized, it is to put the audience into the protagonist's shoes to experience the story first-hand in a sense that engenders them to the point the author is trying to make. Here it feels more like you're putting the audience into this viewpoint and forcing a lot of ideations onto us without much exploration into them or why we would feel this way.

"Finally, I do see in certain parts ("Newfound strength and hormones fill your body...") where it becomes a tongue-twister, but in most other cases, it seems to run with the basic story." I will concede that the narrator is omniscient, meaning that they have their own style of story-telling that doesn't have to relate to the protagonist, I'm just pointing out that it still feels awkwardly written.