Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5321651-20150124232553

Hi,

I've been agonisingly racking my brains together to think of some sort of pasta I could possibly create. I've legitimately been aspiring to create a pasta for over a year, but I suck at writing creepy stories.

Anyhow, this is a story that I have created. It's probably going to be full of clichés, unoriginal ideas, and pointless uninteresting junk. I would like to hear feedback, any type of feedback, you can even attack the story if you want. Any type of feedback that I can take and use for the further development of this story/pasta. So, without further ado:

Awake. It's dark. Why is it so dark? I look at my digital alarm clock. I can't see it, it's so dark. Why wasn't the time displaying? Maybe the power went out. For the whole street. Maybe that's why I can't see any of the street lights outside of my window. I can't even see my window. Wait, is that a car? Why would there be a car in this street? This tiny little avenue barely gets two cars driving through in the daytime, let alone the nighttime. It sounds like it's echoing... It's sure getting pretty loud. Wait, is that... What?! HOW?!... WHAT!?! I scream, but nothing comes out. I know I'm about to die. Why won't the car stop? "Stop!" I try to yell, but it's no use. Even if it didn't come out so raspy, the driver wouldn't have heard me. This is my death.

Official police report

At 8:00 am Australian Eastern Daylight Time, Friday, 16 January, 2015, a bed, absolutely destroyed, is found in a road tunnel five kilometres north west of Melbourne. A 14 year old boy was found, bloody and unconscious, at the scene, over 25 kilometres from his house. Forensics estimate a car hit the bed travelling at 95 km/h at around 4:00 am. Boy has been taken to Alfred's hospital. He was identified as Bradley Smith, son of Mary and Jacob. Jacob claimed that when he went to bed at 2:00 am, Bradley was sound asleep. Police and local transport safety association viewed surveillance camera footage, but all that could be seen was red. A deep, dark red. No image, just an opaque dark red. Checking back 48 hours ago, all that could be seen was still red, even though workers claim that they checked the cameras on Friday and everything was as it normally should be. A check of the local power grid has inserted new information, as multiple wires have been cut, wires feeding electricity into the tunnel. Checking surveillance cameras, Police were unsurprised to find the very same dark shade of red instead of footage. With the only hard evidence being Bradley himself, Police attempted to interview him, but workers at the hospital claim Bradley is acting hysterically. After minor surgery on his ribs, Bradley was taken to the local mental institution. Once he is confirmed sane, Police will talk to him. Until then, case is officially closed.

17/1/15, 4:56 pm

New patient has been brought in. Patient #55091. He is being placed on floor 5, section 3, room 18. He has come from Alfred's Hospital with multiple bruises and cuts to his head and abdomen, reportedly hit by a car. Doctors have tried communicating with him, but he is hysterically rocking back and forth, curled in a ball. Surveillance of his room has been set up due to his young age and he is now constantly monitored but staff.

18/1/15, 2:17 pm

At 4:00 am, Patient #55091 started screaming. A continuous, ear-shattering scream. A moderate dose of Diazepam calmed him down. He is now sitting on his bed staring toward the western wall, and has been doing so since 4:06 am when his dosage of Diazepam was given to him.

19/1/15, 10:34 am

Patient #55091 once again fell into fits of screaming at 4:00 am. A small dose of Promethazine was given with his Diazepam. He fell asleep and is still asleep now, at 10:34 am.

19/1/15, 4:19 pm

Patient #55091 is now in solitary confinement in padded cell #16. At 3:48 pm patient picked up his 80 kg wooden bed and threw it through the western drywall of room 18, crashing it into the hallway. Patient is now on two small Hydroxyzine doses at 9:00 am and 10:00 pm.

20/1/15, 12:06 pm

It worked. Patient #55091 slept right through the night. He is now calmly sitting down and looks to be suffering from no aggravation.

21/1/15, 10:16 am

Things are getting worse. Patient #55091 was screaming even louder last night, at 4:00 am. He was also repeating the phrase “It won’t stop, it won’t stop!” Doctors have raised his dosage of Hydroxyzine and got him back on high dosages of Diazepam.

22/1/15, 3:18 pm

It seems to have worked. Patient #55091 has calmed down considerably. At 4:00 am he woke up and loudly moaned, but only for a few seconds before he went back to sleep.

23/1/15, 9:07 pm

When doctors came in to give Patient #55091 his medication, he attacked both of them, tackling them to the ground. Extra doctors were sent and they managed to inject him with Hydroxyzine. Patient fell asleep immediately. Dosage of Hydroxyzine was raised considerably at 10:00 pm injection and doctors are now required to wear protective gear near patient.

22/1/15, 4:18 am

Things have gone horribly wrong. At 4:00 am, despite his high doses of medication, Patient #55091 started fits of screaming, much louder than before. Two doctors came in to inject him with more Hydroxyzine wearing their protective gear, when he still managed to tackle them to the ground. Security outside the cell to ensure protection of the doctors entered, when Patient #55091 jumped up, tackled both security staff and snapped their necks. With the doctors now helpless, Patient #55091 went over to the doctors and did the same. He then proceeded to eat the limbs of both security and doctors. With approval from his parents and Police, we've had to forever put him out of his misery. An official study of his brain showed he had nothing physically wrong, he was just simply insane.

Official police report

The case of Bradley Smith has been closed. After murdering and trying to eat two doctors and two security staff, he was shot with a high powered tranquilliser gun and injected with a drug that killed him instantly. We will never know what caused Bradley to go insane, how his bed managed to end up 20 kilometres from his house in the middle of the night, who drove the car that crashed into his bed, or who cut the power wires.

One thing's for sure, the case of Bradley Smith will forever remain a mystery.

Now that I've written it out, I'm actually extremely proud of this story/pasta. When I was developing it in my mind, I never expected it to come out like this. I am certainly very proud of my first pasta. 