Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160624221243/@comment-28420405-20160628152013

Wow! That took some turns! I really enjoyed this story - you did an excellent job. I did find a few sentences that were a bit awkward or needed some fixing:

"If it hadn’t been for Andrew sleeping soundly Toni knew she would have started to shout and become threatening, as it was she struggled to maintain any sort of control." -- the last part of that sentence seems like it is missing a word. Maybe "as it was she (who) struggled" would sound better?

"Then, after shopping they had gone for food, and gotten the absolutely best service she had ever received." I think you need to lose the "ly" on absolutely or take out "the" to make it sound better.

"Toni was screaming at the top of her voice, she could feel her throat dry and ache, but no matter what she did couldn’t stop." -- the last part of this sentence is also a bit awkward. perhaps "but no matter what she did (she) couldn't stop".

"Toni didn’t respond, immediately she just remained staring down at the pavement." -- I would move the comma to after the word "immediately"

Regarding the length of the story - I appreciate the detail. I think a few things could be trimmed, like the details about the dog, as the dog didn't seem to add much. We also got a lot of detail regarding Skit and his disguise, but when it came to explaining the ending and how The Knot and Toni are connected, I felt like I was missing something. I mean, I think I know what you were getting at (The Knot has become Toni), I feel like I need a bit more explanation as to what happened to the original Toni.

These are just my opinions - I would suggest waiting to see if anyone feels the same way about the ending before making any alterations. Like I said, I understood where you were going, but a few more details might help. And if you're worried about the length or bogging down the story, I would take out some of the "fluff" descriptors from the beginning (like the dog details, for example) and add a bit more to the "meat" at the end of the story.

I really did like this read. I liked the modern feel of the story. I also like your use of language - it really helped the setting for your story, particularly during the climax when Toni wakes up in the run-down home.

All in all, there are few changes I would make. The story did not feel "long" or drawn out. You paced the scares well, and did a nice job building to the twist.

I always enjoy your writing, and I'm happy I could give you some needed feedback! It's always a pleasure reading your work, reviews included!