Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24883632-20140509220318/@comment-24841732-20140509223359

As always, I will start with the biggest flaw. You need to expand this story. Some more build up could really make this story. Maybe have it be over the course of a few days, with him seeing this guy trying to force him to subscribe, mainly over the internet until the kidnapping.

The paragraph structure is really small, and could use a lot more detail. Also, make sure you proofread your work. I found a large amount of errors.

The last half or so sucks. It honestly does. It is rushed, boring, and predictable. You start out decent but slowly get worse and worse. The ending was so cliched it almost made me cry.

The concept is fucking amazing. It is honestly terrifying and believable. I could see some freak willing to kill just for subscribers. However, it is poorly executed. The lack of build up kills it. I would either completely rewrite this story, or heavily overhaul it.

I cannot express how much I want this to be good. The idea of it is just so good. Re-write this please. Make this as amazing as it has the potential to be.

Another thing, the pace is much too fast. The events are happening in small paragraphs, and I have no idea what is going on most of the time. Also, your character is extremely flat and static. I don’t really care about the character and he is more or less just a prop.

“I switched to a different video. I didn't really want to subscribe to him. That one video made me chuckle, but his other videos are complete shit. The other one finished buffering and played. ‘Subscribe for more!’ ‘What the fuck?’ I thought.”

Why is your character freaking out so much here? Nothing strange is happening, and it is extremely common for youtubers to ask for subscriptions. Maybe have there be like hundreds of notifications or something saying subscribe for more, thus causing his reaction. In a story like this, realism is key. However, for the most part your character is extremely unrealistic and does unnatural things.

The last five or so lines. What the fuck were you thinking? It absolutely ruins the rest of the decent story above. “And the walls were covered with the subscribe button from youtube.” Why? This is just stupid. It isn’t scary, and it doesn’t serve a point. “The next time you see one of his videos, you now know what happens if you don't subscribe.” Nope. Nopenopenope. This literally makes me want to punch my computer. Are you fucking kidding me? This is story is bad, if not solely for that. It is so cliche, overused, and stupid. What made you think that was a good idea?

Overall, 4/10 is all I can give you. This would be deleted on the main site. Go over this, improve it, and make this good please? I can not stress enough how much I love this concept.