Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20141116115122/@comment-25458443-20141117044540

Devincooper64 wrote: The narrative I will admit are sotra compelling, hearing the same "goodbye, ill be back" every few lines along with the character's narrative is interesting enough to make me want to find out just what is going on.

Now I do have a few issues. The first there are some gramatical errors and sloppy flow in sentences (Mainly ones like the sentence about the bombs not being close enough to kill the narrator) and the other being that the narrator claims that bodies are hitting the ceiling. How could he see them if he was in a room locked away from the outside world? Also the rat with two eyes seemed kinda off focus as if  it had no purpose to the story.

Also, after he drops his fruit and considers suicide. Was he draming of getting out of the room or was he actually out of the room? And where did he get the soup can lid? It would possibly help if you squeezed in subtle details about the room through out the narrative.

Also doesn't this story have a conclusion or go on? It seems like it just abtruptly ends which leaves so many unaswered questiosn that the narrative suddenly stops being interesitng. Thanks.

It was meant to be taken as large bodies of water... But human bodies is actually alot creepier. I could change the line to "And the massive shapes collapsing onto the roof haven't stopped" Or something of those lines. The rat was my mental reminder to thread something into the stroy in future updates.

"Provisions are at half, And I'm running out of space for the empty cans. "

I'm not done with this story, but the point I'm trying to make is that he killed himself. Or maybe he didn't. Or maybe he didn't yet. I tried to leave the reader with very little information. Because that's the positiion the narrator is in.