Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26011836-20161210184326/@comment-25941663-20161218232628

"I said to myself frantically" - I don't think Pokemon can talk.

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Remember to space out the dialogue. One line between speakers. There were also some dialogue punctuation errors. To read more on how to properly work with dialogue, read this.

Also, cut down on ellipses as much as you can, as it can get distracting, even in dialogue. Oftentimes a comma is enough.

it would be nice to separate the transitions. At times you shifted from the third person perspective to the first person of the Pokemon without any "warning". Those transitions are too sudden and can confuse the reader. Maybe add a "---" between said transitions.

There were some plot points with issues. For example, why the father be so involved in the procedure? Surely he would be kept out of the room, let alone be let free to tug at chords and stuff.

I liked your descriptive work and wording. As a story though it isn't much to my liking. It's not bad, but I think the material dragged this down. It would have been better as a completely original story.

Overall, great effort in this and you certainly have a lot of talent. You just need practise. Read and write creepypastas (and stories in general) and you'll be producing very good stories in no time.

Happy future writing!