Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20150422165839/@comment-24450775-20150426201704

A few edit suggestions:

First paragraph, last line. He straightened his tie and adjusted his glasses, assured that his appearance was imaculate.

Second paragraph, first line: As he opened his door rain begane to pour from the sky. I would re-write the fisrt part of line three. He can't be reaching for his umbrella and turing his back on his car door at the same time. Also I would remove the line about prisoners escaping. I get you were going for foreshadowing, but its a tad awkward. Perhaps he would think about a possible prison break attempt that had occured during the riot? Maybe something about how long it had been sinse the last escape attempt? You get what I'm saying.

Paragraph 2, line four: He can't step out of his car as he's not standing in it. He can exit his car. Maybe "he shut and locked his door."

Paragraph 11: I would remove the strange incidents altogether. Its a nice red herring, but I think this could be creepier if you played it straight.

Paragraph 18, line 2: Remove the ":" after Cell block D. As it is the D liiks like an emoticon. No need for punctuation after the D.

Final analysis, most of the issues here are gramatical, rather then with the story telling itself. The feel is bleak and dark, and I did not see the end coming at all, which is always a good thing. Lastly, about paragraph 11, you can still have the legend of the prison being haunted. I would just remove the incidents themselves, if that makes sense.