Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37197096-20181116050426/@comment-36627132-20181116053436

"I'm 14 years old, so don't expect me to be perfect please!" your age isn't an excuse for any poor writing your stories may have. A 14 year old is just as capable of writing a good story, with good spelling, as anyone else of any other age.

Spelling and Grammar Issues: There should be a new paragraph each time someone different speaks. "presance" is a typo, it should be "presence"  "Amy couldn't put her finger on why, but he's never acted like he is now" should be reworded. "After dinner, the couple sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. " the comma is unnecessary. "almost such a possession." should be "almost like a possession." "she saw Matthew grab her shoulder. " should be "Matthew grabbed her shoulder". "Who are you, Narrator?" narrator does not need to be capitalized.

Plot Issues: "Come now, everyone. Let me tell you the story of Amy Scarlett." that seemed kind of pointless. "We're looking into this currently, but the suspects are-" how can a possession have suspects? "The next day, she wakes up" please do not tense swap. "Amy worked at a small company called SEGA" just because Sega is insignificant doesn't mean it's small. "Amy worked at a small company called SEGA," you just told us that. "It was just a "normal" day at work, I say "normal" because things went wrong. Coffee spilled everywhere, code for their games was lost, and several employees quit. Due to all this, everyone was sent home early, to recover the lost damage." that is not a normal day. If it were normal Sega would have fallen faster than it did. Also they would not let their employees go home, they would make them reconstruct everything that was lost.

Plot Issues Continued: "Matthew, splattered in blood, with red eyes." blood and red eyes are a cliche. "He asks, basically reading Amy's mind." another tense swap, also I feel "basically" should be replaced with "as if he were", it feels more professional. "It was him. Seth, your childhood friend" POV change. ""Now then, I have you all to myself..." so instead of at least trying to forge the relationship he wants with her he just kills her? "There was a rumor; if you die, you have a 2% chance of rebirthing, but less than 1% to rebirth on earth." that's not even a real theory. And as of now there are no inhabitable places besides earth to be reborn on. "I am Amy reborn." how do you remember this so clearly if it was your previous life?

The biggest problem with this story is that it lacks explanation. When Matthew was acting weird at the beginning of the story was he already possessed? If so why didn't he just kill her right then and there? How was Seth able to possess people? And why did he possess all those people and not just Matthew alone/

"This part is definitely gonna be edited, but im tired, so i'll give you a general ending idea and polish this up in the next edit/installment. Maybe like, the last sentence or two. It's easier to you, the reader, to give me ideas or polishing tips, and easier for me to think about what to do next." as a rule of thumb you should post near-finished versions of your work on the Writer's Workshop so we can give you accurate feedback.