Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20161008211233/@comment-26399604-20161012021258

Well I must say, I enjoyed this quite a bit. I tend to be half-and-half with journal-entry style stories; mainly, it's how I feel at the moment. I haven't read one in awhile so I thought I mix it up.

I like the development of the story and how it was built around a simple idea of a home-intruder and if they ever left the residence or not. Sometimes, I feel I get wrapped around "supernatural" elements of horror that I forget the truly unnerving ones - stories grounded in realism, and I think that worked well here.

I love the slow unraveling of the protagonist (a normal family guy) as he begins to recognize the clues or "coincidences" that portray a supposed, squatting intruder. Half-way through the story, I found myself thinking of my own theories on how the intruder was subtly moving about, which I enjoyed.

I also like the ambiguity at the end: was there someone actually there or did his mind fabricate that image of a person, contributing as another crack in his insanity? I love stories that give the power for the reader to decide.

As it stands, I think it is a solid story. Diexilius mentioned they didn't like the ending. I thought the ending was fine, but do think it could ended on a stronger note although I am uncertain how.

A minor suggestion would be to maybe reiterate at the end (maybe in the second-to-last paragraph where the protagonist is attempting to debunk the clues) some reference to those footsteps in the flour or just in general the fact that someone did indeed break-in without taking anything, then maybe build-up to that face in the window. Not really sure if it will help, but maybe it might spark an idea.

All-in-all, I enjoyed the story.

I did note some areas that should be addressed. Corrections/suggestions are contained "[]":

+My fingers were so tightly wrapped [around] the bat now that my knuckles were white.

+He must have some means of [*escaping the leaves] an undetectable mark in the wall.

-- Wasn't sure what you meant, did you mean 'without leaving' an undetectable mark?

+He’s going to slip up soon enough and I’m going [to] cave the bastard’s head in for all the trauma he’s put my family through.