Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20180515144449/@comment-9041013-20180517193633

EmpyrealInvective wrote: First and foremost, thanks for the advice. Unfortunately I had a full message typed out when my internet bottomed-out and I lost it so I’m just going to re-type some quick clarifications and try to post this tomorrow (the 16th). Sorry about that.

“First of all, we have effective treatment for Bipolar disorder, people live meaningful, peaceful, none destructive lives with the disorder. So how on earth would you live in a world where cyboring is possible without treatment for mental disorders we're clearly familiar with.” The thing is, that our current treatment for bipolar disorder is more treating the symptoms (the manic/depressive mood swings) and doesn’t cure/treat the condition itself. The person taking the medication is going to have to continue taking that medication as long as they want to maintain a chemical equilibrium as the brain isn’t properly releasing those chemicals. The organization was offering a one-and-done treatment for people afflicted with a variety of disorders and conditions (which of course was a lie so they could have candidates for assimilation as very few people are going to see mechanical mutilation on the docket and think, “Sign me up!”).

“I'm not really sure if the automata are cyborgs or androids made of humans wearing human skin, either way however, considering you almost clearly state that the neural system is synthetic now there simply no way for the lead to be having any BD. No chemical imbalances, no disorder.” There was a bit of an error on my part. I meant of the neural processor as more of a chip that acts as a regulator/overseer to the brain. The human brain is still there, but it has an additional implant that regulates/feeds information to them. That being said, the protagonist isn’t suffering from any manic-depressive episodes during the present-day part of the story. The indoctrination/assimilation is mainly what is giving him those odd mannerisms/thinking patterns and it’s up to the audience to wonder how much of him is really left behind after the conversion process.

“I got irked at the point where it is said that the lead's operating system regards pain as unimportant. I call bs, have you ever played Metal Gear Revengence? There's a scene where Raiden (a cyborg) has his operator turn off his pain inhibitors to let loose, said operator isn't happy about it. Y'know why? Too much pain is sensory overload and as Raiden has an enhanced human central neural system it could shut him off, send him into shock or kill him, hypothetically of course. Why am I telling you this? Because if your lead can "feel" pain, it's a defence mechanism. Would the pain of getting half of his torso sawed off be regarded as "meaningless sensory input" as well? probably not.”

I was more meaning to say that the system dampened the noicereceptors during situations that didn’t impact functionality (i.e. it would register if one of the cyborgs stepped onto a landmine, but not if they superficially cut their hand). The human body has this warning system in place to avoid physical damage but if you’ve ever gotten a paper-cut, know that it can overreact sometimes to non-debilitating injuries. I’ve tried to clarify that a bit by briefly mentioning noiceception and threshold levels in the story. I’m thinking of it like phasic receptors which register stimuli and begin firing at progressively slower action potentials as the stimuli continues (like how you can put your elbows up on a table and feel it, but after a while the sensation dies down).

Thanks for the help, I’ll probably spend a few more days looking it over to see areas for improvement. You're welcome.

I did say I was nitpicking, and I did notice that the whole thing (in story) which was meant to be a cure for a bunch of issues was a big lie on part of who ever runs this project. Now that I know that the lead here is a Cyborg, I am pretty much fine with whatever goes on through his mind. I guess that's the one issue that should be clearified, that he still has some human neurons inside that metal skull of his.

Also, again, kind of nitpicky, but making sure he calls the stabbing mentioned "insignificant" would make it far easier for me, and people like me to not get this nitpicky.

All in all, it's a decent story, and works well with the whole idea of losing one's humanity in favor of something "better". Also, I'm not sure if BPD is BPPD or not, but in case it is, you could also add Borderline personality, which could also be another explanation for his erratic behaviour.

And Resdraon, half of the people who are ought to read this, won't even notice these things.