Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24651624-20150504004551/@comment-26007602-20150506235630

Alright, I'm going to give my feedback as I read through the story, as this one's a bit lengthy. I prefer to focus on plot and story aspects over grammar, so perhaps someone else can point those out for you, or you could reread the piece.

The first two paragraphs are full of superfluous information. I don't need to know the specifics of why you named your cat Kitt, nor do I really need to know her physical appearance. I think you could add that in later without just straight up telling the reader outright. Starting off a story by describing your cat will put off a lot of readers. Your house as well, does not need to be described. It doesn't really add anything to the story; most readers can imagine a house on their own. I'm not saying you can't describe these things, but starting a story off with non-horror description is a poor choice. You state after these paragraphs that you know they are boring, so why include them at all? More does not always equal better.

Additionally, don't mention horror stories in an actual horror story. It breaks immersion. I see you trying to add tension in these paragraphs, "After what happened I don't believe her anymore", but since there's no story yet, the effect is nullified.

After reading the next two paragraphs, I once again must advise you to the first two paragraphs completely. Their tone is different than the rest of the story, and make some things mentioned in the preceding paragraphs redundant: Kitt's name and fur color are given nicely in a single sentence, so why spend a whole paragraph on them?

I'd change "playing Pyramids on the Neopets website" to "playing games on the computer", as most readers (Including me) do not know that is and will probably view it as childish. Perhaps this is foreshadowing to Kitt's cat-goddessness, but I don't think it's necessary at all.

The fact that the protagonist ignores the loud noises is fairly cliché, even if you explain why. We as readers know that those noises shouldn't be ignored and we loathe a character that does so, because they're fairly obviously important.

Fix the formatting in the fourth paragraph. Also, there only needs to be a single space in between each paragraph.

"Just as I debated whether to go on or let her take care of whatever it was herself I heard Kitt let out a pained yowl and then... Silence." Nix the ellipses. They don't create tension or work as a dramatic pause.

"What in the world...?" This doesn't really work in past tense. Make it the character's thought or something. We know he's already experienced this event so it doesn't make sense for him to narrate it this way.

"It's body was covered from head to two in scales and it's face looked like a mixture between a lizard, a lion, and a nightmare." First off, head to toe. Second, for the monster reveal, this description is lacking. A human, lizard, lion, "nightmare" (The least descriptive term), just doesn't paint an image in my mind. You should spend more time describing this thing than your cat.

Why'd this thing feel the need to hide in the first place? It has hostile intentions and can easily overpower our character (But apparently not a cat), so why go invisible? The character mentions the creature can see better than him; how does he know this? Also, why does the character run into the garage, instead of down the street? He runs out of the house across the yard and back into his house? I think you should rework that a bit so our character doesn't come off as an idiot.

"I was so focused on my own grief I'd completely forgotten about the beast pursuing me until I heard a loud roar above me and turned my head up." I don't care how much you love your cat; if the spawn of Satan is chasing you, you would not forget about it long for it to appear over you. Ridiculous.

Alright, this second to last paragraph. This one tries to explain everything away. I'm not crazy about the whole "Egyptian guardian cat" idea, but I suppose it could work. The problem is that you dump this in one paragraph, trying to explain the climax. This explanation comes out of nowhere. You need to imply that the cat is somehow related to this random cat goddess before the climax. You don't have to say outright she is, but you must imply somehow that this cat is special.

Imagine a man fighting a serial killer in a climatic battle. Then the serial killer explodes into flames with no rhyme or reason. Now imagine there's a little note afterwards that says God sometimes intervenes and sends down his righteous fury upon certain individuals maybe sometimes. That sounds like a completely ridiculous, cop-out ending, right? You really need to rework that part so it isn't a brick wall hitting the reader with explanation.

The final "whether you believe all of this or not is up to you", bit should be cut as well. The reader will decide if they believe you without you referencing it. Again, this breaks the plausibility of the story (Which, quite honestly, is fairly low).

Honestly, I don't find this creepy one bit. You really need to rework the monster and give some explanation to its appearance in the dude's home and describe it. That's the only source of horror in this story, and it's the most lacking part.

Whew. That was longer than I thought. Just my complete thoughts. Hope they help!