Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-4998996-20150101094446/@comment-4998996-20150107072752

Shadowswimmer77 wrote: Ok, a few things.

There are definitely some grammatical errors, more at the beginning but a few here and there throughout. I'd go back through and clean up what you can (I find reading it out loud helps me) then ask someone else to edit it for you as well. The grammatical stuff alone may have been enough to get this deleted.

I think Lloyd was my favorite character here. That's kind of a problem. He has this compelling backstory and is well thought out, but it really has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Who cares that he used to be a doctor? You establish more depth in a minor character than you do for your actual protagonist. (One suggestion would be a series of stories set in the same bar with Lloyd as a recurring character.  That would actually be sort of awesome.)

The interaction with the son doesn't make any sense. I can buy that Billy might not be able to recognize him if he's super drunk and he's changed his clothes or whatever. But earlier, before the drinking binge, Billy is saying he thinks the kid might want to move in with him when he turns 18. Now maybe he's in denial, and I know that the big reveal that he's an abuser is supposed to be the twist, but it just feels more confusing than anything. It seems like there should have been some sort of hint that Billy has this dark side if that's what caused his marriage to break up. The fact that he's sort of hinting his kid is going to come live with him in a few months just makes this come off as odd.

The title totally gives away the entire thing. You know exactly what's coming. I don't know if it's something you'd want to change but I probably would. "Father's Day" would be my suggestion.

Lastly, and this is just a personal pet peeve, I hate it when stories where the narrator dies at the end are told in the past tense. Present tense, ok; it's like we as the readers are following along with the character as stuff happens to them and are sort of living vicariously through their experiences (part of the reason first person stuff can be scary is because we can project ourselves into what they are going though.)  Past tense though it's like "who's telling me this story"  because the narrator's dead.

Anyway, definitely has some potential and better than a lot of the stuff I've seen deleted on here. Hope my comments help a bit! I know this cliche but the story is somewhat based on true events, the son is myself, the father is indeed my father, though I do not live with him. He used to beat me and I wrote this on father's day to deal with my anger towards him. I did intend on making more of these with Lloyd as the bartender and different cases but I never got around to making them, sadly.

The title was suppose to be Father's Day but there is already a story on here with that title.