Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26179512-20150309170653/@comment-25477067-20150310185705

I will give an honest shot at reviewing this. Are you from another country or living in another country? Not to mean, but writing like this when you are a native English-speaking person is unfathomable to me. If you are, you can probably contact one of the admins and they will help you translate.

The plot is a mess. I cannot discern what in the world is going on. This seems wayyyy to much like the other 500 pastas out there about this. One would be "Fuzzy" another, the Slenderman spin-offs. Smiley is a really unimaginative name. Go search up "RPG name generator" and use one of those names, only slightly tweaked. Another approach would be to come up with a random name and instead of the name trying to make the story creepy, make the story make the name creepy. An example is "The Rake." If you just think about the name, there is nothing scary about it. It is the connections between the well-written story and the name that conjures those terrifying images.

The narrator is either omnipotent or a ghost because no one would able to be right there explaining everything that happened and having no one react to him. Wouldn't Sam notice the whole "guy standing right next to her and not saying a word or responding" thing and think that he was the killer?

One of the most detrimental factors affecting this is the grammar and punctuation. About that..

Grammar:

1. These "" are called quotations. They go around something someone says. 90% of the statements in here don't have that.

2. Capitalize the beginning of every word that starts a sentence or begins a quotation. The only other time you use CAPS is for Proper Nouns.

3. Proper nouns are the actual names for something. A noun would be "He," and a proper noun would be "George."

4. Whenever someone new begins talking, it starts a new paragraph every time.

5. When you want to explain how som?eone says something, you would use a word that ends in -ly usually.

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For example, following these rules:

"I Said worried to Sam Where are the kids Sam Said sarcasm back I do not know how would I know?"

would become:

I said worriedly to Sam, "Where are the kids?"

Sam replied sarcastically back, "I don't know, how would I?"

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BTW I was 14 when I wrote my first one and even I knew to use better grammar. Don't use that as a smokescreen. Just buy a grammar checking software, do some proofreads and run it by friends and family before posting. You will be fine.