Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25710298-20141118030622/@comment-24881871-20141118040930

The issue here is that you have a lot of dialogue but little substance. It's easy to write a conversation between two people, especially from the perspective of a chat room user using a casual tone. What isn't easy is presenting these exchanges in a logical, coherent fashion while maintaining the reader's interest.

A format of this kind expects some degree of analysis from the reader, but this particular story expects too much while giving too little information. As a result, the narrative's conclusion feels disconnected from the rest of the pasta and leaves the reader in a state of confusion as the events from the beginning do not match up to those of the ending.

I think what happened here is you had the pasta planned out in your head, but it became disordered as you put it to paper. You may even have intended to bedazzle your reader, but there is a fine line between leaving things a mystery and not doing a thorough job of linking each part of the story together.

On a more subjective note, the plot is a very banal one that has been used time and time again, notably in Tulpa. This isn't to say you can't make a quality story out of it; you just have to write an exceptionally good one. This pasta is set up in such a way that it feels more like a common case of identity theft than the horror of someone literally becoming you.