Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180528054340/@comment-9041013-20180528104817

Oi Oi, chico, tranquilo!

Alright, so it's not bad. Actually, it's probably more thoughtout than most stories on this site, endless bloody religious symbolism and a bunch of Philosophy. Which is good, kind of reminds me of how the celestial physics in the Lucifer series universe work. You decide your own fate, but here it's clear that God decides it, and even though he is merciful and goodie two shoes Pedro is still subjected to a hell of his own design.

Actually this "your stuck with nothing" kind of torture is a very painful and very effective kind of real life torture used by various islamic terrorist organization and dictatorial countries.

As for the story, you're mentioning the MS13 which is all good, but why on the blue earth Pedro is depicted as a racist midwest American would describe a "Beaner"? Why can't Pedro be a Salvadorian/Latino dude in a hoodie or a coat, that's not Zorro we're talking about. Just because he is known by a nickname that might one day turn him into a "Street legend" doesn't mean he has to look ridiculous.

Also, the way Pedro dies should be more detailed, you dont just "go down quickly" to overdozing on something that could be used as a nerve gas, yes, that is an actual concern regarding Carfentanil. Oh no, you're having a nice long trip down "Oh fuck this is painful, Tijuana, Baja California" when overdosing. So make it more detailed, display his dying suffering a little bit.

Also, the first part is worded awkwardly like you were trying to just shove words to make the story longer, "It was cold enough and This enough and that enough" shorten it to "It was this and that and that enough..." Proof read your story once more just case, and add details, more more more more more details.