Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-39126362-20190414202138/@comment-35711173-20190415053035

The King's Wit,

Welcome to the Writer's Workshop. People here will do their best to help you. Sometimes you won't agree with the remarks, but remember that the people reviewing your work are taking time out of their writing to help you.

I will first discuss the English. My standard is that you pretty well pass cleanly in the basic error detection in www.grammarly.com - unfortunately, yours has about a dozen basic errors. It also has about twenty of the "Premium" errors. You can find three run-on sentences using http://www.scribens.com

On to the story. Your mixture of technology and schizophrenia is interesting, and the helicopter parenting threw in an interesting angle. It doesn't feel like the agony of the damned that schizophrenics feel though. Actually, part of the problem is that it doesn't feel. Good writing makes the reader feel an emotion, and that emotion is lacking here.

Finally, I will discuss the composition, flow, and structure. The use of text messages doesn't send me. I think using that device is a lot of your problem with making us feel anything. I'd try rewriting it in a more conventional novel style.

Try a second draft in novel style here on the Writer's Workshop. Please use the many free tools available online to help you craft your story. I further suggest reading it out loud to yourself several times. If you stick on a word or a line, so will the reader.

Dr. Bob