Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26893881-20150806021654/@comment-25547916-20150812024818

Okay, so I took some time to get around to reviewing this, and I apologize for that.

If I'm to be honest with this story, I didn't enjoy it as much as the other. The problem with this story isn't so much the execution as it is the premise. The main idea has just been done a lot: family moves to new home, child can see ghosts but parents ignore it, and it turns out the ghost is real. This structure has been done effectively ("The Shining" comes to mind) but when this formula is applied there has to be more going on, something that makes the story stand out against the others.

Another problem comes with the conclusion, it seems as though the narrator's response to seeing the ghost is incredibly understated. Sure he faints, but the next day it doesn't mention him moving or taking any steps to stop the ghost. He does research the history of the house, but that really seems like something that should come earlier in the story rather than in the last paragraph.

I'll end on a positive note because there is good stuff here. The girl was unnerving with her missing jaw and eerily delayed response; I feel like this could make an excellent ending to a story. I also like how the ghost wasn't malevolent. She acted like how a little girl would act, and that's pretty different than what a lot of the ghost stories do.

To summarize, this story has some solid elements, but I don't feel like the main idea of the story can adequately support them. Though to be fair, this is also very opinionated, so it would be nice to get feedback other people as well.