User talk:Grizzly Bear

Re: Thread:308763
Alright, first of all, this isn't the right place to post this. The purpose of the Writer's Workshop forum is to get feedback on your work. (Read the forum rules for more info.)

Second, I supplied a brief reason for deleting your story in the deletion summary ([ here]). If you'd like more feedback than that, you can try posting the story in the Writer's Workshop forum.

P.S. Admins are not obligated to notify authors of their story's deletion, nor are they obligated to explain to them why it was deleted; we get far too many submissions a day to deal with every user individually like that, sorry to say.

LOLSKELETONS (talk) 23:38, May 9, 2014 (UTC)

Re-uploaded story Please don't re-upload your deleted story; it's against the rules. If you really want your story back so badly, make a case on deletion appeal instead. If you re-upload a deleted pasta again, you will receive a 1-day suspension from editing.

Mystreve (talk) 15:53, May 21, 2014 (UTC)
 * You're right. The message was meant for the author of the deleted work. You commented on it, and I accidentally put the message on your talk page. Disregard.
 * Mystreve (talk) 16:39, May 21, 2014 (UTC)


 * CassistRabbit (talk) 16:40, May 21, 2014 (UTC)CassistRabbit Thanks, no problem.

Alright I noticed that, thanks for making some of the small edits. I am quite new to this thing.

You're welcome.

RE:
Sure.

There's a little awkward phrasing hanging about ("concerned of finding these things" would sound slightly better as "concerned about finding these things"). A good way to avoid this is to read the story aloud to yourself. It helps you to figure out what rolls off the tongue right. On that note, it seems a bit out of whack, so to speak. It's fine to be wordy, but use simple words every once in awhile.

Now, the third paragraph. You say the rooms that weren't locked were all empty. But then you go on to mention there are beds in those rooms. Why would there be something in a room that supposedly has nothing?

Now we move on to your main character. First she's calm, cool, and proffessional. Then, BOOM. Heroic BSOD the moment she goes a few steps down a dark hallway. You mention how someone wouldn't last a minute in there if they weren't her, which means that the hallway is so extraordinarily creepy it'd make a brain burst, or really everyone in that universe is a complete coward. This is something that you offer a path to play into, considering how she lasted only a paragraph, trips, and then suddenly has an increasing level of paranoia every minute she spends there from the very first one.

But then it suddenly calms itself after she finds a dead girl, runs, then realizes she's dead. I don't know about you, but finding a dead body in a bathroom, with it being there very possibly less than a month would be Paranoia fuel at its finest. Because what if whatever killed the girl is still in there? Particularly, considering that you never mentioned the cause of death or whether there was even a known cause of death. Doubling the fuel. And to Triple it, Rain checked her pulse to make sure she was dead, indicating that it wasn't far enough into the process to have been there long at all. She could've been killed moments beforehand, almost guaranteeing that the thing was still there. Oh, and let's quadruple it by remembering this house was supposed to be abandoned.

Now, onto the literature techniques themselves, we've got the phrasing that I mentioned. But there's also a small hole. She promised herself she'd never take a job like that again. Yet, at first, it seems like a simple investigation of a paranormal thing conducted between a few friends. I think I see what you are getting at, but to be fair, someone not thinking about it may be saying "What job? This was a job?" Also, a little character development, please. You only get into Rain's bravery - you don't go into her characteristics. Ones that may contribute to the story. Example: Who's Sean? Her brother? Her boyfriend? Her uncle whose probably scarier than the mansion itself?

All this being said, you've got a good concept here and I like the story - a lot better than I like many others. The description is almost perfect: it doesn't halt the story to describe a shoe, but gives an excellent image. The plot-holes are minor, and don't jab the story as a hole. The ending felt anticlimactic (and as explained above, the behavior doesn't really seem to make sense to me) but it let the reader think that something could be there. So it's somewhat well-done, but could use a little improvement. Dashie  ~20% Cooler~  23:44, May 21, 2014 (UTC)

Drawing request.
I indeed do :D!! Um, where did you hear about it though? DeviantArt? ~Kage

RE: Request
Done.

ImGonnaBeThatGuy (talk) 21:17, May 29, 2014 (UTC)

Thoughts
From what I've seen, you've got a knack for writing and quality. I think if you can get your article edit count up, you should apply for rollback. We could honestly use the help. Dashie  ~20% Cooler~  22:40, June 8, 2014 (UTC)

RE: Blog
Yeah, you can delete your own blogs. I see you, or someone else already did it, so you're set.

ImGonnaBeThatGuy (talk) 23:23, June 8, 2014 (UTC)

RE:
Eh, don't demote yourself like that. I'm fairly certain that you could write an article that would make Suggested Reading, if you wanted to.

A rollback is someone who undoes vandalism and has the ability to rename pages. It's basically a few extra buttons. You get the rollback button, which allows for undoing all of the contributions on a page by one person in a single click. Basically, someone vandalizes a page five times in a row, a rollback can undo all of it in one click.

Either way, though, it's your call. Dashie  ~20% Cooler~  00:58, June 10, 2014 (UTC)

Opinion request
I was wondering if you could give my latest pasta a look and let me know what you think.

Thanks :)

Booboofinger - The devil is in the details 04:07, June 11, 2014 (UTC)

RE
I'll take a look at it. Dashie  ~20% Cooler~  00:44, June 13, 2014 (UTC)

It's accepted. Feel free to post. Dashie  ~20% Cooler~  01:17, June 13, 2014 (UTC)

Lucina
The Shining One praises Lucina for her martyrdom under your custody. Together with her torment and her painful sufferings - she will be rewarded in the afterlife. In spite of all those sufferings - her soul will be in paradise, along with the other souls of who shared the same life with Lucina.

If in case that happens, her honorable soul will be in the Fourth Plane of Paradise: The Martyrs.

This plane of Paradise includes the warriors who have fought evil and served the Shining One in all their lives, those who were abused, by all means possible, and seeked the Shining One for their source of strength when the cruel doers decided to stop toying them for little time.

****

As for your judgment, the Shining One didn't like your deprecative actions. If in case you didn't redeem yourself, your judgment is below this line.

Your pitiful soul will forever be banished in the Seventh Plane of Hell: The Violent.

This plane of the dreaded Underworld houses the souls of the violent, including the murderers, ones who commited genocide, torturers, those who lived with extreme hated againts others and against one's self. In this plane, the souls will be forever tortured by the demons ruling the plane through the means of flaying, painful dismemberments, and the souls in this plane will be also submerged in boiling blood.

****

The judgment of the Shining One is not always final. You can always repent and redeem yourself to lessen the chance of your soul's banishment from the Shining One's Planes of Paradise. That being said, The Shining One always welcomes the repentants and will always accept the ones who are willing to be saved.

Kaitlin, the Judge

Ahri-chan Let's talk! ♥

Critique Request
Hey! :D

I don't mean to bother you like this, but I was told by some that you give out pretty good critiques. Do you mind reading my first pasta and giving me some suggestions. Feel free to be as brutal as you like. Thank you!

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Board:Writer%27s_Workshop#comm-331898

CrimsonCherubim (talk) 20:17, June 22, 2014 (UTC)

Sorry, and Hi I guess?
I would just like to apologize. I know in the past I have acted like a little brat and have been rude to some admins on here. For that I am sorry. But, I have gotton over that. I have tired to forget my past fights with admins and try my best to just let them to their job. I have learned to accpet the fact that I'm not the most talented writer yet. (Though I do plan on working on that) And I have taken peoples criticism into effect.

I've gotton help from many and they all think the story 'liar' was on its way. It just needed some improvment. I decided to get even more help with improving the story before I tired to publish it again, after asking admin if it was alright before I published it of course. But all I got was that my story was unsavable. It really hurt me. It hurt me the most because many told me it was getting better. Another admin had told me that as well, but still said it needed improvment and I understood that.

I was just upset that a admin felt the need to not even try to help me but instead just told me there was no hope for my story.

I'm very sorry if I have offened you or another admin in anyway. I'm trying to understand what you guys do here properly. Though I don't aprove of it sometimes. I have tired my best to accept it.

1Stephq (talk) 00:07, June 27, 2014 (UTC)

Hiya
Would you mind reading my series and commenting on the use of language? I'm not familiar with the second use of first person technique, haha. This pasta should direct you to my first one as well (since it's a sequel).

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Return_to_Pennsylvania

Thanks, Rinskuro13 20:48, June 27, 2014 (UTC)Rinskuro13

Return to Pennsylvania
Hi, thanks for reading and commenting on Spider Cannibals. Really appreciate your help!

Have you read 'Return to Pennsylvania' yet? That was the one I was asking for narrative advice on.

Rinskuro13 11:49, June 29, 2014 (UTC)Rinskuro13

A little tip
You can make your stories more easily accessible by using two square brackets [ [Like this without the spaces in between] ]. I use this all the time to shill my terri-bad stories. Like Wasted

EmpyrealInvective (talk) 08:48, June 30, 2014 (UTC)

Feedback request
I heard you were taking requests for creepypasta critique. I was wondering if you could critique my pasta. It's been in Workshop for days and nobody has given any feedback, probably because of the length or the fact that it's a Journal pasta. Here's the link:  http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:334706

Sykokillah (talk) 12:15, June 30, 2014 (UTC)

Message of Thanks
Hi there, just wanted to thank you for reading my pastas, and the kind feedback I've been given. I hope you've enjoyed reading them. I'm planning to make some edits to my articles based on your suggestions, and I am very grateful for your help! I'm also planning to read some of your pastas soon, so I can return the favour. Thanks again!

Rinskuro13 17:35, June 30, 2014 (UTC)Rinskuro13

P.S Do you know how I could get my pastas into suggested reading without getting bashed by admins? Do I simply contact someone or...?

Apologies that I couldn't get to your message sooner. I was just refreshing when all of a sudden, I could no longer log back in. And yes, I remember your DA and your Tumblr. I may make one, seeing as you're pretty awesome to converse with too. c: You're really one of the few people here who I've met who takes writing seriously and tries to make it their best, so I commend you for that. Most tales here, as you've clearly noticed, are shit-tier quality, and no one seems to care. But your goal to improve stories and be an excellent critic hopefully will change things. Admittedly, I am not interested in Creepypastas anymore (ironic, I know), but I may be reading some of yours and leaving you feedback. You're an amazing author and an amazing friend, too. History shows again and again how nature points up the folly of men. (talk) 12:13, July 2, 2014 (UTC)

Should you use that plot?  Yes you should.
Whoa, that was graphic. It deserves that NSFW. (Argh, even though I'm a guy, I'm clutching my genitals here...OMG)

I would like to see you write this. It's a believable storyline and I'm sure it will make a terrifying pasta...look at the people in the comments trying to be all tough and manly like 'awh yeah, this isn't unique at all' (like they read this stuff all the time or something)! Well I don't know what kinda stuff they read about but I've certainly never read or seen something with a plotline similar to this before.

Advice: since you're going to write about surgery, be careful your medical terms and procedures are correct (I would look them up) before you write a description otherwise you'll fall into the same trap I fell into years ago, where I made random incorrect stuff up about how dentists do operations and got bashed by a load of medics and admins...and that's all the advice I've got to give.

Is 'the Rainbow' the name of the group of teenagers or what? That was probably the only thing I found a bit weird.

Rinskuro13 07:08, July 3, 2014 (UTC)Rinskuro13

Another Pasta Read Request
Hi Cassie,

It seems you enjoyed reading my other two pastas, so I've started creating again after a while of making simple edits.

This one is slightly weird, but let's see what you think of it: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:338477

Thanks, I owe you one for the effort mate.

Rinskuro13 19:57, July 3, 2014 (UTC)Rinskuro13

Stay out of my business.
Keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, "doe". Exile Badguy (talk) 00:15, July 4, 2014 (UTC)

Spare me your phony apologies. You know exactly what I'm talking about. []. I don't want an apology, I'd like you to just never repeat what you did on that thread if it's okay with you. If there's anything I hate on the internet, it's white-knighting. Exile Badguy (talk) 00:28, July 4, 2014 (UTC)

I'd like to know if we're clear, Cass. Exile Badguy (talk) 00:37, July 4, 2014 (UTC)

You're absolutely right, you should not have replied to my comment the way you did. Deeming it as "insulting" ? What makes you think that such allegations are acceptable? If you thought my comment was "insulting" then you should not have responded to it. Unless, of course, you're looking for a fight. Are you looking for a fight, Cass? Exile Badguy (talk) 00:41, July 4, 2014 (UTC)

I was just teasing you, Cass. I know you're not trying to pick a fight with me. And I agree, this issue is resolved. Nice talking to you. Exile Badguy (talk) 00:50, July 4, 2014 (UTC)

Two things
Hey. Since you commented on my blog post, your avatar has really been bugging me. I've seen it before but I forget from where. Could you please tell me where it's from? I'm also in the middle of wighting a pasta in a similar format to my first one. Could you take a look at it at tell me if I should change anything about my first pasta? That would be must appreciated.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Bright_Ideas

--Average Joe (talk) 13:05, July 6, 2014 (UTC)VeryIrishConor

P.S-My parents and I had a talk with my older brother, the one I wrote the blog post on. He is banned from my computer and account for 2 years, no mor trolling from him.

So what you're saying is
I don't have to post my story in the article listing once it's finalized anymore???

hello cassist
I see you around here all the time so I was wondering what is the best pasta that you have read?

SoPretentious | (talk)  07:00, July 7, 2014 (UTC)

RE: normal porn for normal people
hmm couldn't seem to find anything called "superficially". already read the other ones and liked them

here read this if you want ( I wrote it ) Para-Phenomenal

EDIT: SoPretentious | (talk)  07:38, July 7, 2014 (UTC)

One minute Por favor
Doing deletion appeal atm and then I'll get to your stories. You want all of them deleted? Are you planning on re-working them? If so, I'd be up for lending a hand.

EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:50, July 8, 2014 (UTC)