Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4127849-20140318012020/@comment-10950063-20140318175413

I think the style hurts the piece. I'm not offended by stuff like "ponyfag" or anything, but after a few times it gets really old. So, does the swearing. I don't go on 4chan at all, so I don't know how accurate the style is. It definitely does feel like someone telling a story on a message board, so you did achieve that. But that doesn't make for a good story.

You've got about two and a quarter pages here. Only about three grafs actually contribute to the story. You spend a lot of time giving us a lot of set-up that doesn't really matter or contribute. The actual action of the story takes about one graf. And then it's over. It either needs more meat or you need to go deeper with what you have. Really get inside of it. Tell the story in detail instead of just summarizing.