Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26100502-20150711175311/@comment-26778475-20150720184804

Like others have said, this story isn't actually creepy. All that this is is a wall of text about a guy, playing a zombie game with a troll. Anyone can go onto any online game, and troll people by being unhelpful and annoying.

Just because the player 'dies' doesn't make this creepy. Using the words 'die', 'died' or 'Game Over' does not make this creepy. Those single words do not create atmosphere to the visual the reader has, you need to use them correctly and not cheaply. Since the way the words have been used, they are there as a sort of 'climax' without any sort decent build-up to it. As the story literally ends with 'oh the other guy dies, let's just stop playing' which is not at all satisfying nor puts an imapct to the reader.

You expect the reader to know what you are talking about through gaming experience of this particular game, especially at parts where there is little description added as to what the visual is. For example 'as usual the game over screen appeared'. What is the screen like? Does the text slowly fade onto the screen? What colour is the text, red, blue, black, every colour of the rainbow? You need to go into detail about it. It doesn't need to be a lot of detail, just a little bit about how it appeared on the screen and what colour the text is. That alone improves that sentence a great deal.

I'd love to go into further detail, but I thought i'd just leave a taster of how much there needs to be done to make this story at least 'decent' in my eyes.