Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4138999-20150706114818/@comment-26551197-20150707025404

THE GOOD:

-Good concept. The merging of philosophy and the paranormal is quite interesting and could make a fantasticaly terrifying tale if executed correctly.

-Good imagination. You could tell as a reader that your mind was filled with interesting and creepy events, but perhaps those ideas didn't manifest themselves in your writing as vividly as they did in your head.

THE BAD:

-Wall of text. Good formatting can make an average story above average.

-"Hyper realistic" cliché. We've all heard it, and, at this point, reading it in a story massively discredits a story's originality.

-Inconsistencies in pacing. When Peter fell to his knees and began to pull his hair out; what made him do that? Besides the minor obsession with phenomenalism, Peter showed no signs of impending insanity. Focus on building the prospect of insanity in Peter's character slowly instead of just jumping to it.

-Too much subjectiveness. As a third-person narrative, it just seems weird to have an omniscient narrator use words like "insane" and "mind-blowing" to describe ideas.

-Try describing sounds instead of replicating them. Saying that "the air suddenly filled with the twisted, high pitched sounds of crunching metal and shattering glass" is a lot more descriptive than saying "BASSSH!!" Say that "Peter erupted in a violent fit of blood-spewing coughs" instead of "EURGHHA!"

-Overuse of the phrase "conceptually impossible." It became monotonous and the sophisticated sound of the term quickly deteriorated into an overused and unremarkable phrase.

-Certain sentences and ideas just seemed to be entirely unnecessary. The basic theory of phenomenalism is a relatively widely known idea, and does not need to be described in such depth.

-Multiple grammatical errors. For example:

 “Hey Pete hows the-get outta m’way!” - You can not include two sentences from two parties in the same quotation.

-Some events are just too fantastical. Why would a cleaner give a lunatic keys to a room in a hotel? Perhaps Peter could have stolen the keys, or his sudden insanity could drive him to attack the cleaner for the keys.

-Actions need sufficient motivation in order to be perceived as realistic. Why would this figure go to such great lengths to tell Peter that he's thinking too much? Everyody thinks too much, but we don't all get haunted by spectral beings because of it. Not only that, but time travel is so minimally focused on in the story that it seems to be a cheap reason for an ancient being to target Peter.

-Lack of real creepiness. Maybe this is just me, but floating hearts and talkative grey figures didn't seem to scare me; this story did not have me looking over my shoulder in fear.

OVERVIEW:

This story was certainly very unique, and it is apparent that you enjoyed writing it. It is a concept with great potential, but, in the story's current state, I do not believe that it is fit to post on this website. I do not doubt that you have the ability to vastly improve this pasta, and, after some reading and revising, I do not doubt that this concept can make a great pasta.