Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20150528023322/@comment-29791712-20150601024502

Whitix wrote: Here are some things I noticed:

"I just preyed and hoped that they weren’t something foul and ridicule like some psychotic couple’s porno experimentation." Preyed should be prayed, ridicule should be ridiculous, and couple's should be couples'.

"The black screen cut itself off, and showed nothing for another thirty seconds." I wouldn't have an exact time frame, as that would imply he has a stop watch or is counting how many seconds that are passing by, both of which are unrealistic.

"I knew nothing would happen. I knew-

But then I felt skin." You can't really get cut off in a past tense story. I think the second "I knew" is unnecessary.

"There were some layers of the throw up that had little bits of foods in it." "Throw up" isn't really the term you want to use here (As it's fairly childish); use vomit instead.

"The teeth sank deeper and deeper into my skin, until eventually-

It all ended." Same thing as above, just wanted to point this out as well.

"The giant spiders just kept on glaring at me, and I think that was wore." Wore should be worse.

"They were these Indian-like men and women who were painted with something red all over their bodies." This line just seems... off. I think the "Indian-like" part is bothering me. Do you mean Native American or Indian? Either way, I think "dark-skinned" would work better.

"Hands gripped and snatched my throat. I was only allowed a tiny croaking sound before I couldn’t breathe no more." There's a double negative here; before I could breathe no more.

“This is my job in this world, and this is why I created these tapes. It’s to show the world that there is true fear in this earth. No amount of horror novels, screamer films, internet forums that claim to have the best scary stories, and insects can amount to the level of fear I bring to the game. I want to demonstrate to the world that there is still true monsters lurking in our world. If you may ask, yes I am a paranormal figure. But do not be so frightened, I won’t kill you. I may have permanently damaged and scarred your mentality, but it’s up to you to decide how to fix that. I heard drugs help, but that’s up to you."

You explain too much at once in this paragraph. This man doesn't need to tell us that he's a paranormal figure, nor does he need to talk about horror in the media (As your story is part of that media, it comes across as ironic and pretentious). I'd cut it down like this:

“This is my job in this world, and this is why I created these tapes. I want to demonstrate to the world that there (are) still true monsters lurking in our world. But do not be so frightened, I won’t kill you. I may have permanently damaged and scarred your mentality, but it’s up to you to decide how to fix that. I heard drugs help, but that’s up to you."

I must say I enjoy the drugs line.

"You might end up writing a suicide letter to the world. Well, good-bye then. *Gunshot blows.*" Alright, this is where the story falls flat. You had a very good build up to this point, but this seems very anticlimactic. It's too abrupt; you can't go from the old dude's threats to our character's suicide so quickly. You also can't use "gunshot blows" to end a story in past tense, nor can you use it in a suicide note, as that doesn't fit with the rest of the note. The fact that this is a suicide note really causes some problems in the story, as now the narrator comes off as melodramatic. Ending with a warning to the reader is fairly cliché as well, and doesn't add much to the scare factor.

I'd simply end it with the narrator, dropping the tapes off somewhere, mailing them out, selling them on Ebay, or duplicating them and sending out more copies. He could end with expressing guilt and fear, but definitely not suicide, as you'd have to rework this a bit more for it to be a suicide note.

Other than that, I think the story is pretty solid. It's certainly well written and should pass easily on the site if you fix the ending. Hello there. Thank you for your review and comment. I greatly appreciate it. I've corrected every spelling and grammar mistaken you have stated, and change the ending completely. You did have a point in how the story ends, and I thank you for your time to write your idea of my story.