Talk:My First House/@comment-25383866-20151228114737

This has been the best read so far for me. Overall, it was much more cohesive a story than Caffeine and Crescent Forest.

I think Banning and Dupin have good points though. There did seem to be something missing in this story; I think perhaps you put all the detail into the wrong aspects. There was a lot of attention given to the early parts of the story, while in comparison the ending and the encounter with the ghost(?) were quite rushed and unsatisfying. Nothing is explained, no reason is given. There's no context.

The part about the landlord seemed jarring and out of place, almost like an afterthought. And why didn't the protagonist ask that question before he moved in?

Some more questions and then I'm done, I promise. Early on you say "nineties" and "twenty-first-century"- why not just say "the early 2000's?" Just for consistency.

At the end the character says he'll never tell anyone about that night, and yet here he is, telling us.

Again, I have to emphasize not getting mired in words. Write what propels the story forward, not what looks good to a teacher in an English class.