Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31261227-20170208190924/@comment-24101790-20170208193125

Wording issues: "he loved to go hunting with his father Charles when the season peeked (peaked) for deer.", "His dad was on his mother strangling her, he knows (past tense needed) about sex", "When police arrived, they asked Dan questions about what he saw, why didn't he call sooner, and why did he stay in the house, all of which he couldn't answer well, the shook it off as the shock, and had an ambulance take him to the hospitals. (plural is not needed here)", etc. You also consistently misspell Travis throughout the story ("he introduced himself as Travis" =/= "Trais had offered him if he helped bring him, ten souls, with those souls he can bring his mother back to life.").

Awkward wording: "That night his dad was drunk, drunker than usual, and decided to teach his wife a lesson, a lesson because she stopped making love and with this grotesque man that she vowed to love, he figured she was cheating when a close friend called him after seeing Lynnthea with another man at a restaurant", "Trais had offered him if he helped bring him, ten souls, with those souls he can bring his mother back to life.", "Trais chuckled and a smile with fangs peering underneath the rotting muscle", etc. There are a lot of other instances of awkward/clunky wording. I suggest proof-reading your story and reading it aloud to catch these issues.

Run-on/overly complex sentences: "His dad was on his mother strangling her, he knows about sex, but this was different, his mother was yelling in protest, as his father added more of his weight on her, more men was caught in the corner of Dans eye they filming and laughing at this cruel, horrific scene, they eventually joined in on the "fun" his father was doing", "Dan shut his eyes for a few moments, just as he was about to fall asleep, a strange visitor entered the room, he introduced himself as Travis, he had heard what had happened and felt like he and Dan had things in common.", etc.

Redundancy: You repeat names unnecessarily a lot of times throughout the story. Once you establish the character, you should refrain from restating names multiple times in the same sentence. "Trais looked at his young warrior, who did everything he asked, but what Dan saw next, made him cower, Trais slowly melted, his face peeling off slowly, revealing a monster." and "Excitedly Dan agreed, but didn't know how to bring Trais the souls, Trais asked him if he knew how to dance, Dan did learn how to ballroom dance with his mother and knew some swing, but that was it." for example. "Not even your dead mother, she's dead, and she had it coming" also is redundant and is awkwardly worded to boot.

Punctuation issues: "On Dan(')s ninth birthday, he wished everything could return to normal, but a wish can only go so far", "Dans eye they filming and laughing at this cruel, horrific scene", etc. Punctuation missing where needed in dialogue. ""Mom?" he whispered softly(./,) "M-mommy?"", "Dan held his cheek, tears flowing down in confusion, asking with a quiver in his voice "What are you?"", "Trais started to laugh menacingly "Oh how good it is to be so free! I can finally accomplish my deeds", etc.

Story issues: There are other mechanical issues, but I think it would be better to focus on the story next as this is where the majority of the issues are. First things first, this needs a lot of work on its descriptions. Take these two lines for example: "After they finished dancing, Dan would turn demonic" and "Trais slowly melted, his face peeling off slowly, revealing a monster." The descriptors monster and demonic are very generic terms and really don't help paint a picture for the audience. You need to actually add more detail if you're looking to write an effective story.

Story issues cont.: "Possessing your father has been the key to this whole charade." This is a pretty big plot hole. Did the monster make the protagonist's father lose his job and start drinking too? How exactly did he possesses all those other men ("His dad was on his mother strangling her, he knows about sex, but this was different, his mother was yelling in protest, as his father added more of his weight on her, more men was caught in the corner of Dans eye they filming and laughing at this cruel, horrific scene, they eventually joined in on the "fun" his father was doing.") and if he has that kind of power, why does he need Dan's help in the first place?

Story issues final: All in all, this feels more like an CPC vehicle story (with the common tropes included of abusive/alcoholic parents, a rushed story, and a young child with superhuman abilities). I'm sorry, but this story is going to need a lot of work due to the punctuation, wording, run-on sentences, spelling, capitalization, and story issues that are all throughout the plot. I think if you plan on appealing this in the deletion appeal, you are going to need to drastically re-write and revise this.