Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26227439-20151223193531/@comment-26007602-20151226204539

The first thing I've noticed is the numerous capitalization and punctuation issues. To start off, you need a comma after every quote of dialogue that doesn't end in an exclamation mark or question mark. Secondly, you capitalize "She" a lot in the first few paragraphs, when there is no reason to. Additionally, you've got tense changes and sentence fragments scattered throughout the story, which you'll need to go through and pick out. I'd try and help, but I'm on my phone, so I can really only give vague info instead of specific grammar issues.

But let's talk story.

I must say, the beginning of the story isn't particularly gripping. Yes, you have the little paragraph at the start, but it only tellse that the main character survives until the end, which kills all tension. The beginning dialogue isn't interesting as I have no reason to care about these characters, nor do I want to learn more about them. They lack personality or anything unique about them.

The introduction of the Wither isn't handled very well. The description is plain, lacking any real style or flavor, and the fact that he tells his motives directly makes no sense and removes all mystery surrounding the character. I admit I skimmed over the end scenes because they just weren't interesting. Despite the fact that you tell us the Withers intentions, but he has no motivation for his actions. Why does he want the protagonist suffer? It isn't explained and there's no reason for it. This whole story just lacks impact, and the simple writing style doesn't help. I wish I could add more, but that's all I got. You need to work on your descriptions and characters a bit more, while fixing the grammar if this story is to succeed.