Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20180206062846/@comment-4715955-20180207064300

Right now the main issue is lack of reader investment. It feels like you were forced to crank out a story you didn't want to write, so it's a lot of straightforward telling with no real showing. For as long as the story is, that really isn't gonna work. It'd work okay if the story was a couple pages long at most, like something out of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. So it doesn't take me long to realize I don't care about the protagonist or what's happening to him.

I can't really help too much until you make more revisions, 'cos right now even if it were the coolest story idea ever, the narrative fails to make me care about any of it. Maybe try a new draft with a different approach?