Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20150624030749/@comment-26525489-20150624050600

This is a really cool story. The plot is not something I've seen before and it's very creepy. The idea behind this is simply inspired and I love it. Well done!

HOWEVER, the grammar and spelling in this story are atrocious. It's to the point that it takes away from the story and, unless someone is determined to power through, a lot of people will just toss this to the side. I would go through and mark them for you, but I just don't have that kind of time. There are so many, that I'll need you to do many, many revisions before I can do a thorough grammar and spelling check for you.

Also, the descriptions of settings, characters, and their motivations are weak. We need to know more of WHY characters are doing certain things. Not to mention that everything just needs a bit more description. When the protagonist finally does the trick, you just blow through it both times. It could use more build and tension throughout the whole ordeal. Also, the "other world" sounds like it's a big deal. Leave less to our imagination. Paint us a picture and be sure your descriptions make sense.

I advise that you go over this and overhaul it section by section. Divide it into little scenes that you can work with, like a movie. Revise the scenes for grammar and spelling, then make sure you've sufficiently described the setting at some point during the scene. Then make sure you've explained the plot of the scene well. Make sure the motivations of your characters are evident so the reader understands why they take the actions they do. Then, read each scene straight through, again editing for grammar and spelling. Once each scene makes sense by itself and has good flow, edit them all back together into one story.

I would love to give you some critiques on content as well, but the story isn't quite to the point where that would be beneficial. You still have quite a bit of work to do on this, but it's going in the right direction, I think. I'd love to see it again once you've made these revisions.