Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190515084101/@comment-35911608-20190522143435

You are definitely getting closer.

I can say this time that I do feel the overwhelming eye of the State in this draft, but it could be a little more natural. It feels to me like you are trying to cram every detail of 1984's world into a short story with a 6000 word limit. It's nice to draw from it, certainly, and with the use of current names like Alexa and CNN, it feels more real to me. But turn down the knob a little now, it feels just a bit exposition-y is all. Good addition with the Social Credit Score though - scary that China is using it as I write this.

The grammar checker is still needed. There's a couple of weird spots with capitalization and some other issues. One that really caught my eye was:

'' I was afraid I recognized the book from Anti-subversion class in school, but I smiled and swallowed nervously, hoping I was wrong. Swallowing nervously, I said, "You lied to Alexa."''

Keep at it, Dr. Bob. I can see it coming together.