Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26141891-20150224130330/@comment-25148755-20150224173759

I'll give you an "A-" for the overall concept as it's original to me. That being said, pretty much everything else needs work. Sorry but your grammar is really bad; there are too many errors for me to go into it here. That is really the biggest hurdle you need to overcome.

Other than that, the ending makes no sense, specifically because the narrator is telling us in the past tense about the time he killed himself. That doesn't work too well. You can either go back through the story and change everything to present tense, or you can figure out a way to fix the ending. Either way something needs to be done there.

Not a bad first effort. Like I said, the idea is good, you just need to do a solid scrub on some of the more technical aspects of your writing.