Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25502990-20141005163828/@comment-24101790-20141005181030

There's a number of cliches at play here. (All caps on sentences, "You're being watched ending,etc.) Additionally there are a number of punctuation (ellipses are typical three or four periods to denote a pause of omission, more periods do not equal longer pauses and clutter the story. Also you should cut back on them, fourteen times in a story is a bit excessive, especially if you take into account that if the reader actually pauses at every ellipses for dramatic effect then the purpose is lost due to its overuse.

There's also spelling errors, ("fortunatly"/fortunately) capitalization errors, and wording errors. (Hint: Try reading the story aloud and you'll catch a number of the issues. The entries could also be re-worked to increase tension as opposed to opening right into the craziness. ("My brothers won't stop bullying me. But, soon they will stop. I have plans.") There's no introduction or statement of intention. I can't think of many/any people who would open up a personal journal without some sort of preamble and just jump right into things. This really reduces any tension you were trying to build.