Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181228225151/@comment-35911608-20181229002709

I can see this working to some respect, but it needs more.

I feel a lot of the story is very vague and generic in its telling. We all know the tale; average non-party-going kid ends up at party, everyone doing their thing, heads inside, gets a drink handed to them, yada yadda yada. Nothing was really jumping out as an interesting take on a school party gone dark, it read very plainly. (also there was an insane lack of vaping but that’s probably for the best)

I don’t have a problem with the second person perspective, especially because it can really draw the reader into the story, breaking that boundary that usually keeps us safe and leaves the main character in peril - if it is done correctly. I need more belief that I am in danger at the end. I did not feel that “I” was drunk enough, nor did “I” feel the apparent effects of the drugs, to believe that I had lost control of my body at that point in time. Lead into that part some more, and I can buy it.

The twist is immediately revealed at the end of the second last paragraph, and I’m just kinda waiting for them to get “me” at that point. One suggestion I have is to use the game as a way of discerning information from the players, and then if they get an answer they want - for example, revealing that “I” am a virgin by asking “Never have I ever had sex” - THEN they go and kill “me”. That way, the weird question can build suspense, making the reader wonder why they would ask something like that, and then just move on with it like nothing happened - only to call on it again at the end of the story.

For some realism issues I had, the big one is… where in the hell is everyone else? Is no one going to come down and realize there’s a group of kids killing someone? Perhaps show another game taking place while passing through the house, like 7 minutes in heaven, and you see a girl drag another kid into a closet, but the kid doesn’t look too pleased about it.

I hope this helps.