Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4955311-20151120024057/@comment-24101790-20151120030622

Actually deleted four minutes after posting, but I guess that wasn't enough of a hyperbole. Anyways, it was deleted for being well-below our quality standards.

Punctuation issues: "As they passed each other Neil blurted out “KEK(punctuation missing)”" Overuse of ellipses, do you really need to use ellipses 60+ times? "How many days of his life wasted doing the same tasks and rituals over and over again.(?)" Even rhetorical questions need a question mark. Punctuation missing from sound effects: "ZAP", "ZAP", "ZAP", "CLEAR", "ZAP"

Punctuation issues cont.: Commas missing where a pause is implied. "“Wait what the fuck?!”", "“Oh my God my mouth is bleeding!”", " screamed “I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS GODDAMN WOMAN!”"etc. A majority of your dialogue is missing punctuation: “Guess that explains the smell”, "“M...mid forties--OH GOD HIS MOUTH IS BLEEDING(./!)”", "“Alright, I turned him over, it’s coming out”", "“Nineteen”", etc.

Wording: a lot of awkward wording issues. Try reading a few of these aloud. "Neil’s brain was an enigma to all, not even the...third or fourth doctor he saw?", "Maybe this just was his life and the horrifying part was that he did other things."

Wording issues cont.: "Neil feels so used he’s ready to bash her face into the paraplegic war vet beside him until he hears crunches." Remember you're telling the story in past tense perspective and need to be uniform.

Capitalization issues: "I’m--i (I) mean--HE’S BALD", "“...no (No), he’s not, his eyes are just blank too!”", etc. I would also avoid all-capitalizing multiple phrases as it just comes off as blocky. An exclamation point or italicized portion serves the same purpose without coming off as gimmicky.

Story issues: you seem torn between telling the story from his perspective of from a third person perspective. Lines like this: "When he awoke he felt so tired despite him sleeping for...13 hours. That’s neat." don't really fit in the story. Lines like this: "That was the year when Neil’s mom forced him to wear a huge woolen coat in fear of him catching the AIDS." would work from a first person perspective, but in third person it just comes off as childish.

Story issues cont.: "Sometimes the IV left a really horrible taste in his mouth." makes it seem like you need to do a bit of research on IV (hint: intra-venous) I'm sorry, but this story is all over the place and the fact that it's being told as an outside perspective just makes it come off as not well-throught out (considering the perspective shifts later in the story.) These were only a few issues I found at a glance (meaning there are quite a bit more, but this story needs such a drastic work-over that I don't want to overload you all at once.)