Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25024572-20160718205611/@comment-25024572-20160720013228

Hello, home owners. Do your walls bleed? Is there a ghostly little girl in your bedroom singing “Ring Around the Rosie” at 12:00 in the morning? Have you heard the pained screaming of the damned coming from your empty closet? Is the toilet seat always up even though you live alone and are female?

If any of these sound familiar to you, it’s because your house might be haunted.

You’re probably thinking, “My house? Haunted? No way!” Well, it’s actually much more common than you think. Here are some people who’ve had this problem:

Ida M., West Viriginia:

“I didn’t think my house was haunted, even after seeing my windows open and close on their own and seeing my cat, Mr. Whiskers, start to float. But then when the portal to Hell opened up and Mr. Whiskers floated too close and got swallowed up, I realized I had a problem.”

George W., Connecticut:

“My wife wouldn’t believe me when I said our house was haunted. Even after the words, ‘GET OUT, MEATBAGS’ were written on our walls, she still wouldn’t believe it. Then that ghost possessed her, and she ate our five-month-old son alive. Boy, was her face red after that!”

Mark W., Massachusetts:

“When I told people what was going on in my house, they said it was haunted. I said, ‘What? No.’ I just thought the dog being hung by its intestines on the chandelier was just the kids pulling a prank. Then when I saw a ghostly figure push my son into the fireplace, I knew my house was haunted.”

Do these stories seem at all familiar to you? If your house is haunted, they should.

So, now that you’ve come to terms with the reality of the situation and/or completely reevaluated your entire belief system, you might be wondering, “What can I do?”

Most people would tell you to sell your house, but, chances are, that’s a problem for you. You probably dished out hundreds of thousands of dollars, and don’t have enough money to move elsewhere. Also, it’s hard to sell a house that has a paranormal guest. People tend to not want to have to deal with hostile ghostly apparitions trapped between the planes of life and death. Really makes it hard to raise children.

Hiring an exorcist has its own problems. They’re quite expensive, and if they lose their souls/life/sanity to the spooky specter, you could be sued!

So, what should you do? Well, we here at Home and After-Life Magazine have some advice for you:

1. Ignore it.

Admittedly, this may seem counterproductive, since the ghost might be insulted and up the ante. However, if you’re someone who’s incredibly lazy and doesn’t want to deal with hauntings for a bit, here’s some advice:

-Cover up the portal to Hell with a bathmat or rug, or, if it’s on the wall, curtains or sheets.

-Treat the blood/words on your wall as new decorations.

-Play loud music to drown out the insanity-fueled whispers or blood curdling screaming.

2. Use it to your advantage.

Having a ghost around, even a hostile and completely depraved one, can have its uses. For example:

-Have your least favorite relative sleep in the guest room with the murderous spirit.

-Does your child have an attitude problem? A possession might just straighten out the little tyke.

-The ghost of that little girl would make a great playmate for your kids!

3. Negotiate with it.

Sure, this ghostly being might be wrecking your life, but maybe you can bargain with it. Use a Ouija board to negotiate living (or stuck between the worlds of the living and dead) terms. Some ghosts respect this. In case you’re wondering, here are some common agreements humans and the undead have worked out:

-No haunting on school nights.

-Only write, “GET OUT” on the walls in blood when the in-laws come over for a visit.

-Open or close doors when people enter or exit a room.

Just because your house is haunted isn’t the end of the world (unless your house is haunted by a demon who intends to bring about the Apocalypse). By following some of these guidelines, you could have a lifelong, or after-lifelong, friend in your home.

(Note: If you follow any of this advice and die/get possessed/lose your soul/open up a portal to Hell that lets loose thousands of malevolent spirits/etc., Home and After-Life Magazine holds no responsibility)