Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180503165213/@comment-9041013-20180505150403

EmperorinYellow wrote: You should revise the last paragraph. The sentence "I am writing this because my kid had gotten down with something last night, and my wife should be back with her from the doctor's any moment" is quite confusing, to me at least. "had gotten down" is not going down very well (sorry about the wordplay).

This paragraph is also confusing "I did not feel anything about it though, nothing but the already existing fear came to fill my mind at the sight of my own severed head spine floating by me. Completely nothing." He says he's afraid, but also nothing... I understand where you were going with that, from feeling weird to feeling naught, but the way it was phrased it didn't convey the idea to me until the next paragraphs.

This is a very intense, very sensory piece, and it's amazing, but because of this, you need to be extra careful with the phrasing. Anything too convoluted will break the immersion feeling that you were going for, and you nailed it overall. Also be careful about typos, they can also have the same effect.

At paragraph 19 was a "vogue" instead of "vague", at paragraph 2 "I undressed myself, shoved a plastic chair into the shower booth and dropped onto it myself." you should cut the second "myself", it's unnecessary. At paragraph 5 he says a bright light flew over, then at 6 he says there was enough of it. I think one of these have to go. If it was bright then there was probably enough. These were the more glaring things I caught. Aside from the "draft" issues the story was excellent. It had good pacing, the way he slowly descends into nothingness was well done, and then the sudden excruciating pain made me think that there are fates worse than death. Or maybe he was in hell? That's pretty close to an idea of hell to me. Keep up the good work! Thanks! Yeah, I did pull myself into a very convoluted situation, I did add some words and removed some others to try and make it seem more sensible. I don't though, it's a pretty complex topic and situation. Kind of like explaining the Tao to a none Taoist.