Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-23902796-20150419181528/@comment-26007602-20150420135133

Read this yourself. Your grammar here is frankly, terrible. You need spacing between sentences, commas, and dialogue. Your capitalization is atrocious; each name, beginning of a sentence, and beginning of dialogue must be capitalized. I have no idea if this is in present or past tense, as you sporadically change between the two. Pick one and stick with it. If I wasn't on my phone right now, I'd list the spelling errors; just know that there are quite a few. Run this thing through Word or some other word processor first.

You only need one space in between each paragraph, and must start a new paragraph each time dialogue changes person.

I've never seen this narrative "style" before, and I must advise against it. It literally adds nothing to the story and serves only to make it more confusing to read. Pick a first person or third person point of view because this does not work well.

The side note, "raining", should not be in the story, nor should the "few hours later" one. I don't know if it's part if this broken style you're using, but a simple descriptive sentence, "The rain poured on to the streets below" would suffice much better.

The bit where out narrator (i Think?) describes the victims head is a huge run-on sentence. You need to break it up into smaller sentences.

The killers note doesn't make sense at the end: "... Let the beast in you out let the wall break." Surely you see the issue here.

I can't say what little you have here is particularly interesting to read. I have no idea who our character is or if there are any defining characteristics about him. This guy is a terrible detective, tampering with evidence in the spot and then giving up two hours later. There should be more time in between. He also straight up tells the random taxi driver who he is and what he's doing? Why? What reason?

The dialogue between characters is also poor. Say these things out loud and determine if you'd ever say them in a conversation.

I'm sorry, but this just is not very well written at all. I think you should heavily revise the beginning (particularly grammar wise) and rethink your style before continuing much farther.