Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-6313897-20170527193815/@comment-24101790-20170530152946

First and foremost, please use source mode (you can change it in the preferences) and not visual editor when posting content otherwise you get the issue you have above which makes the text unreadable as this line of coding appears throughout the story: "“Can you hear me? I can hear you” "

Formatting: A typically paragraph is 5-10 sentences long. Any less and it comes off as anemic and any more make it look blocky and like a wall of text. Your first paragraph is 30+ sentences long and needs to be broken up.

Awkward wording: "I don’t know when he came into existence, in fact I don’t even know who gave him it. By him I mean my brother" (Are you implying you don't know how your brother came into existence because you give Mr Honeybunny a gender neutral pronoun), "I asked and I was told that he had spent the night at a friends how after school yesterday."", "Afterwards I had went to the basement where I burned Mr. Honeybunny.", "We are you’re (your) invention but when we seek revenge it's for redemption…", etc. There are a lot of other instances of awkward wording. I suggest reading the story aloud to yourself to fix up the other instances.

Capitalization issues: Proper nouns are not properly capitalized. "Very funny Jacob i'm (I'm) not that easily fooled.”, "In the event that I were to tell a counselor about this entity they would think i'm (I'm) nuts!", etc. You also improperly capitalize words after ellipses. "I had with this...Monster.I", "Open it and you will find...Him.", etc.

Dialogue: Dialogue needs to be properly spaced out so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. "“Austin you’re looking so much better what happened?” My IEP asked “I just got some rest that I needed”" This is done to prevent misattribution and improve story flow. Feel free to look over some novels to see how their dialogue is formatted if you have any questions.

Punctuation issues: Apostrophes missing from contractions. "“Where(')s Jacob?” Commas missing from sentence breaks. “Very funny Jacob i'm not that easily fooled.”, “Austin(comma missing) you’re looking so much better(./,) what happened?", "I denied it jokingly(comma missing) finished eating, did my chores and went to bed.", etc.

Punctuation issues cont.: There's punctuation missing from sentences and dialogue. "I awoke and went to all my classes and caught up on late assignments(period missing)" “Austin you’re looking so much better what happened?” My IEP asked(period missing)", "“I just got some rest that I needed(comma missing)” I told her"", “It wasn't you who did us wrong. It was your brother(period missing)", etc.

Story issues: The story feels pretty formulaic with the opening of a creepy doll that the protagonist tries to get rid of which keeps returning to them until they finally burn it only to find it didn't work. It's basically the synopsis for the Twilight Zone episode [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_Doll_(The_Twilight_Zone) "Living Doll".

Story issues cont.: The ending needs quite a lot of work. "My mother was found brutally stabbed to death. But my brother was found torn apart. I got over it. It took awhile though. My ptsd is still out of whack." Starting with "My mother was found brutally stabbed to death. But my brother was found torn apart." I think you meant to use "and" as but implies a contradiction. "I got over it. It took awhile though." really doesn't put the audience in the protagonist's shoes or inject any pathos into the story. Death, grieving, and acceptance really shouldn't be condensed into something that's resolved in two sentences. "My ptsd is still out of whack." PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) isn't a natural condition. I think you mean that the protagonist is still and of whack and suffering from PTSD.

There are other plot issues here, but this review is getting pretty lengthy so I'm going to wrap it up here. Not only has this story triggered the abuse filter on multiple occasions (for featuring blacklisted content), but it also has an inordinate amount of mechanical and plot issues. I'm sorry, but this really isn't up to our quality standards for the site.