Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28756492-20160714152200/@comment-29015383-20160714192952

Since Christian took the huge load of the grammar on his shoulders, I'm going to leave all that to him and focus on the story and your narative.

You definitely have a habit of telling us what happens. You tell us he's scared. You tell us his mom tries to calm him. You tell us that he has trouble sleeping. This way of storytelling is just a list of activities that come by one by one and really isn't interesting to read. You can lose your audience just a few sentences in.

I would recommend trying to describe what happens and thus show us the scene before us. This isn't always easy, especially since you will then have to find a balance with story progression and descriptive detail.

An example:

Instead of telling us that the main character is scared, write that he feels the blood drain from his face. Describe that the cold sweat soaks his sleeping clothes. The fear must be making him shiver uncontrollably no matter how hot or humid it might be. Envision the scene you're going to write about before you put it down on paper (digital or not). If you can see the scene before you, then you can describe it to us.

Also, try to avoid the whole 'black and red is scary woooooo' trope. It's so overused as eyecolor that seeing it here just made me roll my eyes. There's so many other things you can do with eyes. His eyes could just be innocently blue, but due to the manner of his suicide the whites of one eye could be a sickly red and yellow due to ruptured veins. Or maybe one is blinded and white. Going for the standard black and red is an easy cop-out.

Try to develop your characters more as well. To be interesting, they have to be three dimensional characters. They've had defining moments in their lives that shaped them. There's situation they can and cannot do that they need to be able to face one way or another. This goes for the main character but also for the supporting cast and especially the villain! An interesting villain is a developed one with reasons for what he does. Your current ghost....is just a vengeful spirit that went after someone he didn't know during life and has no connection to whatsoever. He has no reason to go after the main character whatsoever, and this will just make readers roll their eyes and hit 'random pasta'.

The personality of the ghost isn't consistent either. At one moment he's described as soft, weak, and empathetic. However, the next he goes to murder other children through their dreams. Be consistent. Instead of going after a random kid, why didn't he kill his abusive brother? And why stop there. Why not kill all the bullies?! Granted this is a cliché so be more creative but it would give the ghost a reason for being voilent.

You should really work out the basic premise of the story. While working on it, always keep asking yourself: Why is this person this way. How will he react to this and why? How would this look? How does he feel about this? What connects these events? You must be able to answer all these questions and more. Know your setting and characters!