Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25382945-20150926180900/@comment-27028306-20150927025806

Alright, it keeps getting better.

Grammatical - Sometimes it's pretty good and other times it isn't right. The biggest offenders are probably the commas. For example, "humans actually use 100% of their brains, this claim is false" could probably benefits from a hypen instead of a comma (i.e. "their brains - this claim is false).

Structure - The sentence structure is still finnicky, but it's more complex and varied this time around. There are an awful lot of 'I' statements, though, so eliminating 'I's when possible could help to vary the wording.

Plot - It's more fleshed out this time with better explanations. However, I was picking up on a vibe of telling the reader as opposed to showing the reader. So, it might be better to allow the readers to draw their own conclusions more (e.g. "I stopped running and began to walk, panting like a dog as I attempted to catch my breath" versus " I stopped running and began to walk because I began to become tired").

Hope this helps,

Mosh302 (talk) 02:58, September 27, 2015 (UTC)mosh302