Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20160117011635/@comment-26112985-20160119213553

Doom Vroom wrote: This was a good read. I found it to be both tragic and horrific. I figured you were going for the worms eating the brother when the drop of blood came from the sky, but you caught me completely from left field which is something that doesn't happen to me much these days. The domino effect after the pillow fight is what made it horrifying and tragic to me.

There were a few errors. I'm going to copy what Raidra did to highlight my errors, which is posting what you have that is wrong and then reposting it with the corrections italicized. One re-occuring mistake that I noticed is that whenever you have a name at the end of a sentence which is a part of speech, a comma should separate it. For example: "What are you doing, Doom Vroom?"

___________________________________________________________________ Use CTRL + F to find the errors:

“What? No!” Avery yelled, already shielding his body with his hands. He could tell just as well as I could that no bass has been caught. While he continued to protest, I took my time, I reeling the line in the rest of the way.

“What? No!” Avery yelled, already shielding his body with his hands. He could tell just as well as I could that no bass had been caught. While he continued to protest, I took my time, in reeling the line in the rest of the way.

“You suck Log!” Avery trumpeted, his classic devilish smirk right back on his face.

“You suck, Log!” Avery trumpeted, his classic devilish smirk right back on his face.

“Don’t need that Log. It’s all good bro.”

“Don’t need that, Log. It’s all good bro.”

“You ever heard of Naegleria fowleri Avery?”

“You ever heard of Naegleria fowleri, Avery?”

“My God Logan, what have you done?” Were the shocked, hurtful words she spoke as she observed Avery’s dead body.

“My God, Logan, what have you done?” Were the shocked, hurtful words she spoke as she observed Avery’s dead body.

“Why did you do this to me son?”

“Why did you do this to me, son?”

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I believe that your story meets the quality standards and is in top shape. However, I'm not the best at grammar or detecting errors, so you might want to wait for a second opinion. Thanks for the good read! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and even more glad that the twist was apparently hidden well enough. Since this pasta's release here on the Writer's Workshop, I've went and cleaned it up a little. I decided that it was probably better to tell of the abuse rather than show it, as I was afraid it would come off as cartoonish. Do you agree with this?

Thanks for your help with grammar errors. I'll have some outside sources look over the story once more to make sure it's free of any more technical mistakes.

I suppose I owe you now, so do let me know the next time you have a story in the Writer's Workshop. Just leave a message on my talk page ;)