Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27422558-20151218224414/@comment-26512885-20151219010701

I quite liked your story and can see the potential in it. However currently it comes across as quite brief, almost blunt in its introduction especially. But with expansion I think you could have a decent story here.

I believe the reason it was taken down was due to long run on sentences. This is especially evident in the first paragraph, which is just one long sentence with a ton of commas. Hope this helps :)