Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-6822927-20190406132621/@comment-35711173-20190406225540

KingSparta300,

You passed my lower end English. (Beneath this and I really can't review a story.) You do have room for improvement, particularly in the dozens of run-on sentences. I suggest most strongly that you find them using www.scribens.com and break them up into thought sized chunks. They affect my ability to comfortably read the story and would make it more difficult to narrate.

The story is fairly large sized, at about 5,400 words. You've crossed that magic 5,000 word barrier to turn it in as a short story in college, but there is no such word minimum for a good creepypasta. I suggest that you go through the story and read it out loud to yourself several times. As you do, please ponder whether each paragraph and each sentence of the paragraph really moves the story forward. If it doesn't, chop it out. Show no mercy. You will have a far tighter story in the end.

On to the story itself. I like stories that talk about the human condition. You explore a feeling that I think everyone here has felt. Kudos to you for that. I get really bored by stories that have a Mary Sue or Gary Stu go in, find a bunch of monsters, and slash them up in the most gory way. You are exploring us.

That's my feedback on your first draft. Give these suggestions a try and come back with your second draft.