Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27024986-20150929202310/@comment-26007602-20150929214558

Alright, first things first, you need to nix all of the ellipses here. They have no place outside of dialogue, and are generally used to indicate pauses in conversation. Your use of them here is excessive and adds nothing to the story. They don't create suspense and are unneeded.

This story is riddled with grammatical errors, sentence structure, and word issues. This is apparent from the first few paragraphs which isn't a good sign. I'd list a few for you, but I'm on my phone and it's a hassle to do. Read this out loud or go over it again and try to find what sentences read awkwardly or where a tense is misused.

The beginning isn't very engaging. The character talks about rain which doesn't matter to the story and does little to draw the reader in with any intrigue or mystery. He then talks about his dead parents (which I guess is okay, but does it really matter to the story?). The part where he talks about how he's probably date his grandmother if she were younger was uncomfortable to read through. Surely you can express that she's a good person without relating it to incestual relations.

The character spend so much time describing his you get life, and while it may serve to show the relationship between himself and his grandmother, it just isn't very interesting or engaging. I just don't care about this guys life and you've given me no real reason to. This guy has no personality or any real unique aspects about him. If I were casually reading this, I'd turn away because it just isn't interesting.

How does our narrator know the intricate details of this girls encounter? There's no way he should be able to describe it in this detail if he wasn't there. And the police somehow finger the girl as the killer (despite there being no evidence) and send her to an asylum? Why? Why does our narrator think she's innocent?

Okay, so there's this magic storm that just appears and takes away all the dudes in the town? First off, you need to introduce this and explain it better. There's no build up to it and it comes out of nowhere. Same with the house being vandalized; it was done by bullies? Why? They need motivation and reason, instead of just being plot devices.

The fact that no one really seems that bothered by the sexist storm is ridiculous. None of the people left wondered what happened to the males? No one left the city? This wasn't investigated? Really? Come on, where's the logic here?

This dialogue is just awkward and unnatural. It doesn't sound like two people talking at all; I'd rewrite it.

Alright, I kind of skimmed over the ending because I'm tired of reading this. So some siren lady comes out of nowhere and enslaves out narrator. There's no build up to her, and since she's never implied earlier to be behind the events that took place in the story, she just doesn't have much place here. Her appearance is so random and just doesn't seem to fit in with the story. And if she seduces our narrator, how does he retell all of this? It seems like he wouldn't be in the right mind set.

This story needs more focus. You need to link these events together, and fix the grammatical errors so it's actually readable.