Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33531395-20171105012500/@comment-24101790-20171115150200

I'll start with the mechanical issues (mainly capitalization, redundancy, punctuation, and awkward wording) before moving on to the plot issues present in the story.

Capitalization: "home. 5 (Five) hours if I had to catch the bus.". Redundancies: "The bus stopped momentarily and from the corner of my eye, I saw someone get on the bus (redundant).", You always had me check for monsters in your room every night. But you always had me check for what you called the 'lady with a scary face'.(also quotation mark is missing)"

Punctuation: "it was at least 3 hours away from my parent's (parents') home.", "Eventually I arrived at my parent's (parents') house and was warmly greeted with a cup of coffee by my family", "Its (It's. It's=it is, its=possession.) been a few years since that happened, approximately 10 to be exact.", etc.

Awkward wording: "Now I had already moved into an apartment comfortably sat just a few minutes away from the college I was going to but the catch was that it was at least 3 hours away from my parent's home.", "She practically sped-walked off the bus so she was in front of me.", "What drove to do so is the fact that I saw that lady again a few days ago.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to catch more instances of awkward wording.

Story issues: The opening is fairly generic: "I'm a person who typically believes in supernatural forces. Almost every person I admitted this to tell me that I'm a delusional mess who needs to get a better grip on what is real and what isn't. Those types of people don't have an understanding of what could be out there. At least that's my honest and brutal opinion. I must admit, in my early teen years, I wasn't one to believe in these things." There are a lot of paranormal stories that open with a very similar line ("I used to not believe these things but...")

Story issues cont.: I think a lot of that lends to the fact that the protagonist doesn't do to good of a job at conveying how intimidating the blank expression lady is to them. While not the best story, The Story of Her Holding an Orange does do a fairly good job at conveying what unsettles the protagonist so much about a seemingly benign character (much like your brown-eyed antagonist).

Story issues end: The ending feels a bit anticlimactic. "I saw that lady again a few days ago. In the same place, in the same bus, on the way to visit my mother with the same, blank expression on her face..." Without really giving the audience much reason why they should be intimidated by this figure or how this impacts them, it makes the story feel like it has a non-ending due to the real lack of effective conclusion. Currently this story needs quite a bit of re-working to make it more effective.