Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25547916-20150208202754/@comment-26007602-20150209205137

The first version seems lacking when compared to the second one. I'm not sure why you included it when the second one has so much more content.

Anyways, these stories seem fine grammatically. I like the idea of the two, but I feel like the delivery needs work. The idea of a quaint little town secretly hat boring a bunch of crazy people is pretty decent, but the way you introduce them into the story is a bit messy. The problem is that your third person narrator only follows Charlotte for most of the story, and then suddenly goes into great detail about these specific people. It looks very out of place, but is the only spot where any horror is present.

I'd suggest one of two things. You can describe everything in detail so that the character descriptions don't seem so out of place. This would require a bit more work, and I'd include backstory about each area/object too so that the character descriptions just feel like part of the story. The other option I can think of would be to follow the other characters around a but more. Get inside their heads a bit and then switch back to Charlotte after the truth has been revealed.

I'm not sure the whole God theme is really necessary. I don't see what it adds to the story other than a small touch of irony. It's not worth deleting as it's already in there, I just didn't see how it played into the story.

Still, the ideas decent and with a better flow, it could be a pretty good story. Best of luck!