Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25036236-20140616230141/@comment-24381191-20140618184138

Hsshall wrote: Sykokillah wrote: Woah, this story is too rushed and doesn't make much sense either. For instance, the first paragraph:

enny was a 17 year old girl who actually had a pretty good life. Her mother had really bad anemia, and she (her mother) was pregnant. She was hunting with her father one day, and they found no deer. They went back to their hunting cabin, and when they got there, her mother's friend was on the couch. Her father asked why she was there, and she said she had to tell them some terrible news from their mother. Jenny's dad told Jenny to wait outside. When the conversation ended, Jenny's father left the cabin and rushed to the car. He didn't tell her the news. They just went home and unpacked their things, and Jenny put her gutting knife on her bookcase, and never touched it since. They got back in the car, and drove to the hospital. She saw that her baby sister died of premature birth, because his mother's anemia couldn't fight off germs, so she became really sick, and the placenta, the umbilical cord,  everything, became detached.

You didn't explain anything, all you wrote was Jenny didn't find any deer, she came home and her mother had a miscarriage, they went to the hospital. All this happened in the first paragraph.

Then you say her mother became a bitch after  the miscarriage, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't do that.

Also, 'Jenny finally lost her sanity.' I did not see this coming, there's no indication whatsoever that this would happen, being mistreated will not do that to you. Trust me, I know how it feels.

Her parents would not, however evil they are, laugh at her texts. They would rather ask why she thinks this and tell her that they would try to be a better family. Also, Jenny would not snap after this ordeal. She would be pretty mad and feel unloved, but she wouldn't go crazy.

You killed off the entire family in one paragraph! They would at least put up a fight, like her dad could easily beat her, and he would have the advantage as she only has one hand and is bleeding out!

You didn't even give any details when she killed hem, she just stabbed them. Good riddance! Also, she would bleed out and not stay alive for very long as she would bleed out, also, she feels no frickin' pain! There's also alot of grammatical errors but those can be excused if your first language isn't English.

This story is incredibly weak, rushed, and there's no character development whatsoever. Dude, I wrote a new version of the pasta.

It still needs work thougn. Thanks for your advice. You're welcome, and make the next one more drawn out