Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30781993-20161218154118/@comment-24101790-20161231183236

The biggest issue I see here is the format. It seems like you really want this to be read like a poem, but there really isn't any sense of cadence or flow. These ones in particular really showcase the issues present:

"In order for fire to burn, it needs air, a slight breeze keeps the

fire well fed, and it can continue to burn, as long as there is something"

"But if they do, even on someone else, it would proceed into chaos

and destruction, the end of human experience, leaving the Master,"

"The petite woman looks so gentle and scared, I feel that she shouldn't

be in this ugly space and time that we've all ended up in, for a reason unbeknownst to us."

I feel like this would be better told as an actual story rather than trying for this poem-esque format that cuts lines off midway through and really makes it seem like someone went through the story and hit the enter key at random intervals. It doesn't really enhance the story in any way and breaks the flow. Add onto that the mental asylum twist which feels tacked on to the end of the story with exposition explaining the events ("You are here and not in prison because you're mental, do you think they would let someone who killed 4 people into jail?") and you have a story that needs quite a bit of re-working/re-writing.

As you can tell by the deletion message on your talk page, I'm the admin who deleted the story. While there is an interesting premise here, the execution really has a lot of issues that weigh it down. I don't think this story works in stanzas and would be a lot better if fleshed out into a narrative that builds on the descriptions here. If you intend to keep this in poetry format and you decide you want to try and appeal it once you've revised it, here is a guide on poetry and a link to the poems hosted on this site. Best of luck.