Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3563804-20150223054547/@comment-25975226-20150227073012

The first two thirds of your first paragraph are fine for internet standards, but then you start to lose the structure again.

- A new line needs to be started for dialogue every time a new character speaks

- Your English, I'm sorry to say, isn't very good. Don't get me wrong, I can barely speak another language and it would take me ages to learn, but it still isn't really up to standard.

- The plot is generic, and there is no twist or creepy additions to the generic formula to make this story interesting. I know you've done so much work on this, so don't scrap it, but maybe try writing it in your language like Underscorre suggested.