Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37786307-20190118153550/@comment-36393004-20190118155228

Alright, I don't want to completely discourage you but this needs rewriting.

1) If this is the first chapter and you are trying to grab our attention (which is what you want to do to keep us reading on to the next chapter) you failed to do that. Not much happens and it is not that creepy.

2) There is little to no description, you are just telling us what has happened. Like when you go to the alley and it stank, how does it stink? Does it remind your character of something? Is it body odor, moldy cheese, or rotting flesh? Make your reader imagine the smell, invoke our senses.

3) There is a lot of awkward phrasing.  Example: "At night, after supper, Mom told me to sleep early." Should probably be: "That night, my mother asked me to go to bed early."

4) When you capitalize an entire word for shock value it rarely works.

Summary: Not too scary, too short to know what's going on, and needs a lot of dressing up.