Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27917923-20160716153648/@comment-25569708-20160718212710

Hey there KnifeQueen666. So the first thing I should say is that this coding has got to go. This kind of huge, bold text is not allowed on pastas published here. Also you need to break up this story into paragraphs, otherwise it is an eyesore to look at. Anyways, here are a few errors I found:

"people said they seen her in the town square" should be "people said they saw her in the town square"

"The closer people swear they heard the woman say ‘no more pain’ as the woman walked away" should be "The closer people swear they heard the woman say ‘no more pain’ as she walked away"

"It said ‘it's rude to walk into someone's house uninvited and then go as far as disturbing their place of death’" should be "It said, ‘It's rude to walk into someone's house uninvited and then go as far as disturbing their place of death’"

"I would of been able to post the photo too" should be "I would have been able to post the photo too"

Now as far as the story goes there's not much here, and I'm sorry to say that what is here is not very interesting or logical. You're really not giving us much, despite the story's short length. Nachtrae actually hit a lot of good points in her review. Let me go into specifics with the story problems here.

After the (pretty clunky) first paragraph, you give the reader this thin woman, and then just have her immediately murder this onlooker (And I'm sorry, but the 'no more pain' line feels pretty cheesy). This kill, which should be shocking and creepy to the reader, feels abrupt, pointless, and generic due to the lack of time you spend on the buildup, description, and explanation. And then after this brutal and public murder, no one tries to contact authorities or launch an investigation? That almost breaks the story for me right there. And then people start giving her gifts? That's pretty weird because she didn't sound like she needed "gifts" in the first place. This "gift" thing just feels like a random plot point with almost no explanation (And I didn't like seeing the 'no more pain' return). It wouldn't be so bad if you explained what the gifts' significance were at the end, but you never did. Moving on, then these friends all decide to go find this murderous, probably otherworldly woman for basically no reason. They all wander into the forest and somehow manage to find her shack (Which is barely described), and finally we see vague "torture equipment" in the cellar and then the thin woman delivers the (Again cheesy) line, ‘it's rude to walk into someone's house uninvited and then go as far as disturbing their place of death’. And then they realize they don't have a gift (They really should have brought some gifts with them, everyone else in the town was doing so) so they... hug her? That just sucked out all creepiness that was left in the story for me. Then she smiles, they "flash" a picture, everyone is shocked(?), the friends run home, her picture conveniently winds up deleted, and then you start to describe the thin woman (Whose appearance is not terribly original). And then there's basically no ending.

I'm very sorry for saying this, but this story currently feels generic, underdeveloped, pretty rushed, nonsensical, and not very intriguing. If a story is going to have a very short length like this, it's got to POP in order to be accepted here. Your story unfortunately reads like a fairly by-the-books "scary ghost" story which is lacking in consideration. The writing is also rather awkward and has no real kick to it. I'm not sure if this story can be successfully rewritten. I wish you the best of luck in your future stories and endeavors, fellow Creeper.