Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150202040754/@comment-26007602-20150204223354

Alright, I got to the part where there at the Viser Manor and stopped. Like SourceCode, I couldn't get through the entire thing. The trick with long pastas is that they have to be exceptionally well written or interesting. I have to say, from what I read, this story is neither. I'm going to go over a few issues I had and then recommend what you can cut.

First, the characters bothered me. You have Alexander, Arnold, Xavier, and Olemilia. Can you spot the odd one out from the group? I don't mean to insult the name; it just seems so out of place in the story. Alexander's brother, Eathan (Who's apparently dead? Did not understand the first few lines), should probably be spelled as Ethan. I'm skimming through the rest of the story and see so many characters. I worry that this contains far too many for a horror story and that they're introduced too late.

I noticed that Xavier seems a bit redundant and pointless in the story. Maybe he comes in again later; I don't know. You also refer Alexander's to mother as "His mother" several times in the story and then suddenly call her "Rachel," as if the reader is supposed to have known that. If you're going to name her, don't do it in the middle of the story.

You have far too many redundant sentences throughout. You'll mention something like, "Alexander liked the rain," and then Alexander will say, "I like the rain." You only need one of these (and the latter is better; show, don't tell us about the character). You also give Arnold the exact same introductory description twice; there's absolutely no reason for that.

Here's what I'm talking about: "Alexander, my word you're soaked," said Igia noticing how wet he looked. You don't need Igia (Whoever the hell she is? You have an omniscient third person narrator; use it.  Introduce her as Mrs. Igia Viser.  She sounds old so I'll let her strange name slide.) to comment on Alexander's condition and then state that she commented on Alexander's condition.

Show, don't tell. That's a key concept you missed with these characters. You directly state that Olemilia is a bookworm, however this never plays into the story (From what I've read anyways). None of the characters I've seen have any discernible personality traits. That's not always a necessity, but in long pastas, we readers need to be able to relate to the characters to care for their plight. And to relate to them, they must have a certain charm or likableness.

The dialogue was a bit clunky as well. A lot of it seems less like character interactions and more like forced exposition.

The main reason I couldn't get into this is because it was simply uninteresting. Source is correct; this seems to be a random series of events revolving around this character. While you may tie them up later, you need to give some reason for them being there. You can't write a completely normal story and then throw in some random "scary" events to build intrigue. You need (and this is incredibly important in long pastas) to establish an atmosphere. Give us a reason to be unnerved; don't take us through Alexander's daily life.

As for what to cut, I can't give a full opinion as I haven't read the entire thing, so I don't know what is important to keep. What I can say however, is that you can nix many of these meaningless descriptions. You do not need to go into detail about every single character; doing so breaks up the flow of the story. In horror, the reader will form their own, personally relatable, version of the character, based off the character's personality. And you can't state a personality; you must build one through dialogue and interactions.

You can probably completely cut the part with Xavier and the rain walking; just have Alexander walk to school normally. Nix the early part of Alexander's routine, especially the part with the shadow. It's introduced far too early and Alexander waves it off (?) anyways, so it has no reason for being there.

I realize my opinion is flawed. You know the story better than I do; I apologize, but I just really could not get through the story. I hope what little I could offer helped.