Talk:My Sister Talks to Demons/@comment-5733573-20180817174820

I like this. It's quite good, but a few things could make it even better.

First, double check the meanings of some of the words you've used, and how to use them properly. There are a couple of places where you clearly went for a word that "sounded good," but you may not have used it exactly correctly. Some words are not direct synonyms of each other, so be careful there.

Second, you have a lot of run-ons. These really need to be broken up.

Finally, you have a couple of sentences like the following: "Sliding out of bed and tiptoeing along the corridor, I press my ear up to her door and jump back suddenly." The way this is written, the narrator is getting out of bed, tiptoeing down the corridor, pressing his ear to the door, and jumping back all at the same time. Obviously, this is impossible and not what you meant, so think of how you can clarify the order of events here.

Fixing these tiny execution errors will take this story from good to absolutely amazing. Like I said, it's in a great place already, but going the extra mile can make it damn near perfect.