No Reflection

I have a moderate case of paranoia which makes it very hard to sleep at night.

Every sound I hear feels like a demon who came here from Hell to dismember me or something like that.

Last night I got really scared when I heard my cat scratching my bed. I thought it was a monster, but as soon as I pointed my flashlight on his adorable little face I saw his eyes reflecting the light and I calmed down.

I love my cat. He makes me feel okay even during my worst nights by being calm, and I know that cats have a sixth sense so if he feels safe I feel safe. I almost love him more than my boyfriend and along with him he's the only living creature I completely trust.

Some frequent experiences for me are things like staring at the door while holding a baseball bat or staying completely still and holding my breath because I know someone is in the corner of my room, trying to see if I'm there or not.

Normally my fight-or-flight reaction would win in these cases but my brain is telling me that the creatures in my room are too strong and too fast for me. My only option is hoping they won't notice me.

I know they are not real (that would be stupid, right?) but it's like trying to convince myself that the Earth is flat: even if I kept telling myself that it is, that wouldn't change the fact that it isn't.

Tonight I'm all alone writing this post. My boyfriend is not here, I can't call my mom to tell her that her stupid son is very close to being attacked by monsters because she would laugh at me, my cat is in the other room.

I stayed awake too long reading about rabies because I was afraid me or my cat or my boyfriend's dog could catch it but, as it turns out, there hasn't been a case in this country since 2014.

I'm gonna try to get a rabies vaccine tomorrow anyway. It's not that expensive here so I think I can afford it.

G-ddamn, my cat came in trough the door, I thought they had come for me. Now he's just staring at me. Weird.

Back to the rabies, the shot here would cost 115 Euros, which is incredibly cheap compared to the United States. I'm just glad I can get it. I'll eat out less but it will be worth it.

My cat is really freaking me out and I'm only writing this so I can get it out of my system. What the hell is wrong with you, little dude? Is there something behind me??

I think I'll get a shot for my boyfriend's dog too, you never know. What if they go out in the woods and they meet a rabid fox? You gotta be ready.

I just noticed that my cat's eyes are not reflecting light but he let me pet him so it's probably just my eyes playing tricks on me. If he lets me pet him he's okay. It's okay. I'm gonna go to sleep. Goodnight everyone.