Talk:Black Coat and Red Eyes/@comment-10950063-20131124162809

There is a lot of really awkward sentences and clunky writing in here. This can be really distracting. I would suggest reading your writing out loud. If it sounds weird you'll know you should re-word it. In general, it's better to use fewer words. For instance: " I turned off the device and went to hit the sack and have a good night’s sleep, forgetting what Ana had told me." can be phrased more fluidly with something simpler like: "I turned off the device and went to bed, trying to forget what Ana had told me."

There's a lot of unnecessary detail that doesn't contribute anything to the story. Things like what the character packed, a description of the living room and what movie he's watching. An argument could be made that the living room description adds to the image of the house, but in my opinion the same thing could be achieved by summing up that the house was large and neat.

Also, you need to start a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker.