Talk:He Without a Face/@comment-25558572-20141002214909

Let’s get to it.

So very, very early on- literally the first sentence- I’m already feeling that this is written like a monologue instead of a story. Even if it’s in first person, it shouldn’t read like something spoken unless it’s dialogue, which it isn’t yet.

The way this is written is confusing and off-putting to read. I get that it’s narrated in first person, but you’re really overdoing it with the numerous ellipsis and choppy sentences like “Okay… Tuesday. Yes, it was Tuesday.” and “You’ll find out! You’ll find out!”

“The search process was boring, I’m not one of those people who’s just enthusiastic about getting a new job, but that’s not the point.”

If this wasn’t the point, then don’t include it in the story. Don’t include any details that don’t either advance the plot or build an image, and this sentence does neither.

You forgot “had” between “site” and “this”.

After the first sign of a scary element (the missing faces), it’s immediately forgotten in the very next sentence. Unless the MC is the dimmest or most insouciant person imaginable, he would probably give the screen and images a thorough check if he saw something that unusual. Does he have a reason for not paying any attention to it?

A gory video is an extremely clichéd element in creepypasta, especially if it doesn’t have a very good explanation behind it. This one came out of nowhere, and didn’t scare me at all. The amount of description you use to describe it don’t make it any more effective.

<span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">So the MC just blames something that unusual on a lack of sleep? People don’t exactly think the best when they’re very tired, but it takes at least days of sleep deprivation to start seeing hallucinations. It’s not a very believable reason for glossing over why the MC didn’t bother to describe it.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">You don’t need to spend an entire paragraph describing how the room was silent; you need only one or two sentences. Redundant details inflate the length of a story and may bore the reader into stopping.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Another video? I hope these get an explanation later, because so far they both seem to have come out of nowhere.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“…my inexperienced self said” is an odd and seemingly pointless phrase. What does he mean by “inexperienced”?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“Unphased” should be “unfazed”.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">There should be a question mark at the end of Dr. Anther’s question, not a comma.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Did the MC properly describe the videos to the doctor? I’m pretty sure there aren’t many doctors out there who would blame something so weird and unsettling on just a mild lack of sleep. Unless the doctor turns out to be an antagonist, he doesn’t seem to be a very believable character.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“I arrived back at my apartment. I was tired again. I walked in my room and got ready to go to sleep. It wasn’t that late, but I just wanted to believe that lack of sleep was the cause of all these problems. I got into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I flicked off the light switch and tried to sleep.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">These are bland sentences to read. They could either be chopped into something much smaller, or turned into more interesting images like, “I could barely turn the knob when I walked inside my house, and I’m surprised I wasn’t pulled over for driving so clumsily.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Ellipses are to be used in dialogue only, not for dramatic effect in sentences.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">The MC seems to be insane, but I use that only in the loosest sense of the word. “Insanity” isn’t a simple concept and before the ending, the MC seemed like a pretty average Joe to me. Living alone, looking for a job, and low on sleep- certainly not odd or unstable mentally.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">So without any explanation, at all, one of the children from the videos comes to try to kill the MC? I thought you might be trying to have a sort of twist with the doctor as some kind of antagonist who forgot to remove those videos from his website, or something along those lines. Instead, you choose an extremely clichéd and ineffective way to end a story that had potential.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Overall, I think that was a pretty dull pasta to read. I wasn’t really engaged throughout the story, although if it was written more effectively, that would probably change. The concept was a bit confusing and the events didn’t connect very well. This isn’t deletion-worthy, but it’s not really something I’ll remember after posting this review. Good luck with your future work!