Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28420405-20161019161951/@comment-28266772-20161020144042

 The surrounding stimuli overwhelmed Jared. He was already nervous, and the compounding experiences were only making him feel worse about the impending flight. Stephanie noticed the shift in the air [this is a very minor gripe but the phrasing of ‘the shift in the air’ made me think they were in the plane and the cabin was pressurising; this may be something you want to consider even if it was only a minor hiccup on my part], and Jared’s grip on her hand had tightened. She gathered her thoughts and pulled Jared up to the kiosk to print their boarding passes.

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 The screens slowly lifted and the lights extinguished in the cabin. The plan [plane] began to pick up speed as it raced down the runway and tilted up into the air. As they arrived at flying altitude, the plan '[plane; Ha! I caught another one!]' evened out and the seatbelt lights flicked off. '[I think you missed an opportunity by here; every plane accelerates upwards and levels out and for a moment, especially to someone who’s a novice flyer, it actually feels like the damn plane has conked out and is about to enter free-fall. In a small enough plane it can be accompanied by a near momentary sensation of weightlessness, and is comparable to the way a rollercoaster hovers over the edge of a drop near the start]' Immediately a hoard of people unclipped their belts. A few stood and stretched, and one or two made their way to the bathroom in the back of the plan. The child from earlier had wriggled out of the row and was playfully laughing '[at? With?] 'their family. The mother from earlier was standing at the front of the plan, bouncing her baby. The stress of traveling with the infant was nearly engraved on her face. She nervously hushed it as it squirmed in the blanket and whimpered.

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 Commotion began to blossom; the oxygen masks dropped down from the ceiling and for the first time the group realized that they were in trouble. People clamored for their masks and quickly put them over their noses and mouths. The mother on the front of the plane gingerly put the mask over her infant. Tears streamed from her tired eyes. The bright yellow mask contrasted against the innocent face of the infant sent a chill through Stephanie. [this sentence feels odd]

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 The plane sputtered and from the back left window smoke began to billow. The plane [repetition] tilted heavily, and the overhead compartments unlatched. Heavy bags and luggage crashed down into the aisles. Stephanie was pelted by a backpack and slumped down into her seat. Jared anxiously shook his wife, holding her shoulders tightly and trying to wake her.

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 Jared watched as people climbed over each other, forcing their way to the emergency exits. He looked down to his wife, blood running down the side of her face and her eyes rolled back. He glanced back to the door. People were crowding, shoving and violently kicking at the metal doors. The exit handles were locked tightly into place. No amount of force was budging the doors. Screams took over the aircraft and water began to pool up from the floor. Despair washed over Jared. As he witnessed the multitude of frantic people maul the door, he realized they were not getting out. He held onto Stephanie’s hand, running his thumb over the back of her hand. He laid his head back on the headrest and felt as water rushed passed his calves. The cries of the others had plateaued in volume. The more the water level rose within the plane, the less people continued to scream. '[I’m sure planes have all sorts of crazy ways to guarantee an opening if they hit the water; also I don’t think they sink this quickly. That’s just me being pedantic though. Might be worth giving it a read to find out more.]'

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 Mechanical issues – I only found two ‘plan’ substitutions. I may have missed some but as far as a word-search game goes it was kinda fun. But yeah, obviously this was written to an exceptionally high standard and I noticed almost no real errors.

 Style issues – I noticed a few missed opportunities in this writing. I felt a general tendency for the story to slide from place to place effortlessly and I liked that it leant a sense of momentum to proceedings which I thought was very effective at capturing the overall sensation of travel (you feel out of control, like you’re on some sort of conveyor belt that just reels you from one discomfort to the next). However as a result of these very fast movement between settings and scenes I noticed a tendency to move past very critical moments such as the takeoff which I thought was condensed into only a few lines (which I’ve already mentioned), and the crash itself! You mention the nose crumpling, but that was all. I think there are a few clips online that show what happens when you crash and the sheer energy is enormously violent. I just think it was a missed opportunity is all.

Plot issues – none, besides what I covered under style the plot itself was near perfect. On a similar note I’d like to mention I fucking hate flying and sympathised with poor Jared a great deal. I made a point of identifying the takeoff as a missed opportunity largely because I find that brief moment where the plane levels out positively horrifying. It really does feel like the beginning of what will quickly become a rapid descent. But outside of that you really nailed the overall tension and unpleasantness of the experience. Nearly every little detail (excluding the terrible food) was well captured and the way that poor Jared was left alone when Stephanie was knocked unconscious was a particularly tragic twist of fate that made the whole thing seem particularly sad. I really enjoyed (I say enjoyed but it felt like a panic attack!) this one; great job!