Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5239282-20140318010314/@comment-5239282-20140318213543

Noothgrush wrote: I like this very much. You have a couple of errors, as has already been pointed out. Easy fix.

My problem is with the end. It's not about the repetition. I kind of dig that stylistically, but it's more about clarity. It's all so rushed. He sleeps, tears out throat (presumably) and is reborn somewhere. There's stew. Where the rest of the story you're painfully clear on exactly what is happening the end is maddeningly vague. That was intentional on my part. I wanted to depict how quick (impulsive?) and decisive His suicide was. And obviously I have no idea how a fetus comprehends its surroundings while in the womb, so I just went with what I know (barely forming/deformed vitals; no orifice to siphon fecal matter/piss; it's cramped).

I could beef it up, though.

And to address Callie's point... yeah. Though I kinda prefer it that way to emphasise the fate we would (theoretically) all meet.