Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28477544-20160517015830/@comment-24101790-20160517020945

Focusing on the mechanical errors first, there were punctuation (An apostrophe is typically used for dropped letters and is used in the place where the letter was removed in the accent. "It's 'prob (apostrophe not really needed there) one of them warnin' labels". Punctuation missing from dialogue "Never start". Commas missing before dialogue and from sentences where a pause is implied "Sweating I glanced around.", "Paris replied(comma missing) "Don't worry", etc.), capitalization ("On a Winter break from school" As winter is a generic noun, it really shouldn't be capitalized.), wording issues ("We played truth or dare, we tagged buildings, (and) we stole from the mall.", "I could see the blackness dripping of (off) her lips"), and quite a lot of story issues.

Story issues: There isn't a lot of build-up here. The friends smoke a pack of cigarettes, the protagonist dreams of them dying, and then they do. There isn't a lot of description to really drive home the horror of these events. Take the story Skittles or the Junji Ito's Tobacco Club for example. Those share a slightly similar premise and give strong descriptions and build-up what is happening. This line for example: "She coughed more and it ran down her chin. She then fell to the floor." really doesn't express the horror/terror well. You should really be more descriptive and emotive in scenes like this. The protagonist's friend just died in front of her and the way she's writing the story, it feels like her death had no impact on her at all.

Story issues cont.: There isn't much explanation/background to the story either. How did they get their hands on this pack of (apparently) tainted cigarettes? The protagonist mentions a graphic of lungs on the carton, which seems to imply that there is more to this pack, but the story doesn't address it. Why exactly did the cigarettes kill Alyssa the next day, but take much longer to kill Paris? "Paris was scared - but then the cigarettes must have got to him too, because I haven't heard from him since last week, when Alyssa died." This real lack of focus really makes the story less involving, especially considering their are other stories addressing a similar topic with food items, that really drive the plot and make the story more immersive.

Story issues end: Then there's the conclusion. "In fact, all my friends must be on winter vacation or something, because I haven't heard from most of them in quite a while." The protagonist stated earlier that they were on break ("On a Winter break from school, me and some of the kids from my neighborhood were hanging out"), why are they unsure now. Considering the fact that they seemingly had a prophetic dream about the dangers of the cigarettes they were smoking, why are they handling this in such a relaxed manner? One friend died in front of her coughing up black tar, why exactly isn't she reaching out to her other friends? This ending really makes the story feel anti-climactic. When I originally read it, I assumed there would be a lot more focus on the consequences of smoking these tainted cigarettes or at least more of a conclusion. I'm sorry but this story needs quite a bit of work and is not ready for the site.