Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28718262-20160806123657/@comment-26444017-20160818152545

Off the bat, you need to remember to take out the excess empty lines betwen paragraphs. I could be wrong, but I had to take out a line between each paragraph before I started checking. Look into that.



''It was just a game. A silly game. A meaningless prank...''

Or that’s what Ellery mumbled in the flashing blue and red lights. As rain pattered down onto the dim London Street. '''[Incomplete sentence. Either combine this with the sentence before it, or add on to it to make a full sentence.]'''

7th May 2015.

They told me its[it's] best if I write it down. Get it off my chest[,] for what it was worth. It can't hurt me anymore. Besides I don’t have anything left to loose[lose].

It was an April evening around 8pm[8 PM when we rushed through the dim street of London[,] rain lashing down onto our umbrellas. Jake Mathews, Isabel Green, Jade Jamison, Ethan Tomlinson and I were on our way to Ethan’s house.''' [Consider taking out the last names. It isn't super necessary, but it might make the sentence flow better]''' His parents were out for the weekend. Blobs of rain found their way on jakes[Jake's] glasses or in our eyes. When we reached Ethan’s house[,] his boney fingers fumbled in the rain to unlock it.

 "I'm cold.” whimpered Izzy.

Jade sighed. Upon entering the large house the lights came on and we put our umbrellas and coats in the coatroom. Jake[,] being the first to enter after Ethan[,] was already raiding the fridge.

"Quite a storm, eh? The blasted weather." Ethan grumbled.

He never seemed to quite fit in London with his thick Scottish accent. His family had moved here a few years ago[,] to his disappointment. I can never tell if he still hates it here.

"So what are we going to do? We've got a whole weekend." asked Jade.

"Sleep." I replied.

"Like marry a tree or sommet." Izzy replied sarcastically. [I assume that Izzy has an accent, or particular way of speaking, so I'm just gonna leave this as is.]

“I was thinking if you girls aren’t too scared we could tell some scary stories and try to find some rituals to try online." said Jake[,] stuffing a cupcake in his mouth.

"Debunking online rituals made to scare little kids." Ethan nodded.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"Like you're the chicken!" Izzy said.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">"Those things never work, Jake." sighed Jade.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">She didn’t believe in the supernatural, they'''[supernatural. They]''' were idle tales for children in her opinions.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Well I’ve got a good one!” Jake said as Ethan sat down.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Izzy swung her legs back and forth like an impatient child as I turned off the lights and sat down on the sofa next to Jake.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“It was a normal overcast day for the orphanage. The children were out in the park for the afternoon. One in particular was rocking back and forth on the swings, swinging higher and higher until his light weighted[light-weighted] body began rising off the swing, abruptly'''[swing. Abruptly,] he slip[slipped] and fell forwards, his hands slipped off the chains and he fell head first to the ground, landing ibn[in]''' a warm puddle of his own sticky crimson blood. The swing continued to swing back and forth[,] steadying to a halt, warding off the children form[from] coming to[too] close as the caretakers came to inspect the body and phone the ambulance. The Boy[boy] did not survive…but[survive... but] as the children left the park they saw the swing begin to move again, rocking forward and backwards. So they say that even to this day[,] on the night of an overcast day[,] the boy comes back to play on the swing. Passerby[Passersby] see it moving on its own then'''[own. Then,]''' when it reaches the point the boy fell, they see it shake and hear a whimpering voice cry out before the swing stops dead. ” Jake explained.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Izzy shuddered then laughed. ”Like, good one! Like tomorrow we could go up to the park and see if it’s real.”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“That’s a good idea Izzy.” Jade replied with folded arms.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Wut? I mean like I was Joking.” Izzy said.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Well if Jade really wants to try, why not.” Jake said.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“I just can’t wait to see the look on your face when nothing happens!” Jade smirked.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Well, are we going to have another story or what?” Ethan asked.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“I think we should play a game.” I replied.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“like[Like] what?” Izzy asked.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“I don’t know, Hide and seek[Seek] alone?” I sugested.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“And possible[possibly] get possessed, haha no. “ Ethan chuckled. “ how[How] about Cat stratch[Scratch]?”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Ew no way! That leaves a mark!” Izzy exclaimed. “How about bloody[Bloody] Mary?”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“So fake!” Jade said. “I’m sure Even[even] Jake can agree that one’s totally a phony!”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Jake nodded. “For once I agree with you JJ.”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I thought for a moment. “Then why don’t we play that game with pencils!”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“You mean Charlie Charlie?” Jake replied.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I nodded. The other exchanged a look.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“It can’t hurt us.” Ethan shrugged.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Then it’s probably fake.” Muttered Jade.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“But it still works.” Jake retorted.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“So people say.” Jade snapped. “It’s such a big hit.”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Then it’s settled.” I replied. ”That’s what we’ll play.”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Jade snorted. Izzy shrugged.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Turning on the light, I went to get some pencil’s[pencils] while Ethan got the paper and wrote the format on it. When I came back with the pencil’s[pencils], Izzy was painting her nails.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Like that took so long.” Izzy said.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I rolled my eyes and set the pencil’s[pencils] down, dimming the lights. We all exchanged a look.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I sighed. “Charlie…”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“Charlie” Jane rolled her eyes.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Jake scowled “Are”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">“you.. “ Ethan shrugged.

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Izzy yawned.“There?”

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">

<p style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Most of the corrections are outlined here. One minor suggestion beyond those. I suggest changing the phrase "on the night of an overcast day" to simply "on an ovecast night".