Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25269013-20140805223756/@comment-25148755-20140806033206

Minor spelling errors. "Separate" has two a's. Some of the descriptions come off as a little over the top...I'm all for descriptive writing, as long as it's consistent but you have stuff that's pretty normal and then ramp it up. The paragraph depicting Klaus beating Ralph to death is where I noticed this the most. ("wrath-infused fist")  Some of your phrasing and vocabulary is a little awkward..."each pound" in that same paragraph.

Agree with Jay that there needs to be at least one more line at the end there. Anything that requires a paragraphs worth of explanation after the fact to get the point across probably needs to be just a little clearer. It might help if there were an actual reason for needing two people alive other than what appears to be an arbitrary stipulation of the experiment.

I also got a Saw vibe, sort of crossed with the Russian Sleep Experiment.

Two big changes I'd personally make. One,  I don't think you need the first paragraph. It really doesn't do anything for the story and doesn't fit with the rest of it. I would just start with him waking up. Two, I'd go back through and change this whole story so it's told in present tense. With first person stories the reader can directly project themself into the narrator's mind. I find present tense serves to make this illusion more effective since you are going along finding out what twists and turns happen along with the narrator, rather than past tense which is just a recollection of something that has happened....basically the difference between living an event and reading about it in someone's diary.