User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: I Am Real

"HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?"

The being I was asking this to was...interesting looking. He was 6 feet tall, wore a mask with a sharp-toothed smile and angry, bleeding eyes (thought it was all black, oddly enough), and long, black robes. The interesting thing about the robes: the red Operator symbol on it.

"I hAvE bEeN hErE fOr A wHiLe." the figure intoned.

Of course. He's affiliated with Slender Man. That explains the typeface and symbol.

"That's the Doomsayer, Dorkuss." my loving girlfriend, Indo, said.

"Oh. I pictured him taller. Anyway, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"tHe OpErAtOr SeNt Me."

"Slender Man?"

"No. ThE oPeRaToR."

"Aren't they the same person?"

"nO. sLeNdEr MaN iS aN eLeVaTeD pRoXy Of ThE OpErAtOr."

"Well, this is going to piss off many people. Can we save any more butt fucking of Slender Man's canon until after the Riff?"

Well, now that we've got that bit of the story arc out of the way, let's get to the Riff. This one is called "I Am Real." Yep, rather than relying on facts or willing suspension of disbelief or just convincing writing to convince us that the story is real, this writer decides the best way to do that is to just flat out say that this story is real. Lovely. Anyway, let's get started and finish this quickly, since I'm sure you all want to know how the Slender Man canon will be desecrated.

This story was deleted for some unknown reason on the actual creepypasta wiki, even though it`s FUCKING GENIUS. Keep telling yourself that, buddy.

I have written this so you don`t end up like me. Completely delusional? I was what most people would call a "smartass" ''You, sir, bring dishonor upon the name ‘smartass’. I’m a smartass. You’re a dumbass.'' or a "troubled kid" with nothing to do with my life. I didn`t listen to anyone and didn`t have any friends because of this. Well, people were asking to be your friend, but you didn’t listen to them. I got into trouble again and had to serve a few detentions and catch up on some homework, which I just scribbled "answers" on. ''Why did you put quotation marks around “answers”? If they were wrong answers, they’re still answers. Did you write, “Fuck you” or something?'' After I was "finished" I got up and walked home.

As I walked home, I had a very uneasy feeling, as if someone was coming after me. Where will you be when Slender Man strikes? I shrugged it off and continued home, still wondering if someone was coming for me. I’m coming for you, so I can kill you for bringing dishonor to the cult of smartasses. I started walking faster because I saw someone when I turned around, but when I turned around again he was walking away. I didn`t notice it, but I was sprinting towards my house as quickly as I could. You didn’t notice you were sprinting?

My house was a small apartment where my parents lived and didn`t know I existed. “Honey, who’s that eating our food and taking up residence in a bedroom?” “Just the rats, dear.” I got myself some dinner and went up to my room, where I felt safe. Again I saw someone stand near the aparment, looking directly at me. ''Please, they weren’t looking at you. They were looking at that one girl who’s changing her clothes one floor above you.'' I looked back and he turned and walked away. I got scared now, and wondered if I should tell my parents, but didn`t because they didn`t give a shit anyway. When bad Creepypastas have young protagonists, their parents suck. I went back to school the following day and was more antisocial than normal, if that was even possible. “Whenever people walked by, I hid in the trash can.” I was getting increasingly more paranoid as the day went on. “I started wearing a tinfoil hat.” I saw him a third time when I walked home from school, and I asked him what he wanted. That was the worst mistake I made in my former life, as he has turned me into something else. An actual smartass? he led me into a dark alley, and I was hesitant. ''“Hm, a stranger is stalking me and leading me down a dark alley? I should totally follow him!”'' he then led me inside a room with faint screaming coming from beneath. He led me down and I gasped in terror. ''“He was forcing people to watch Batman and Robin! That monster!”''

I was with him in a room with people in cages that were undergoing some transformation of sorts. It’s called puberty. I gagged at the sight of them, because they were so grotesque in form. Actually, that's just how Steven Tyler normally looks. The first words I heard him say were, "Now you will find your true form, as you were intended to be..." ''Yeah, this dude ends up as a sack of shit. Literally.'' The tone of his voice was so unreal that I wondered if I was hallucinating. You’re tripping balls, dude. I yelled in horror and tried to find a way out of this place, and I ran as far away as possible from those things.

I couldn`t see the end of them in that endless corridor as I ran as fast as I could, looking for an opening. ''Oh no, the main character is in mortal peril. Oh the horror.'' he somehow found me, and said,"Never try and get out, for there is no way out." ''Shame it wasn’t Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid guarding the exit. Then the protagonist might have escaped and this story might end.'' He then got out a mysterious weapon I have never seen before and sliced my arm open, spilling blood on the floor. ''And then you died. The end.'' The things in the cages seemed to be inhaling it, like some sort of necessary element for something. Um, no, it’s just a drug for them. I was terrified and crumpled on the floor from pain and blood loss, then I went unconscious.

When I woke up, I was in a cage next to one of the things I saw earlier. “Get William Shatner away from me!” He came to me and said, "The Transformation is at hand!" ''TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!'' I then saw my rib cage open before my eyes, and I could feel a surge of energy flow through me. The last words He said to me were, "You will do my deeds after I am gone, and you will lead this empire of mine... Give them blood, and they will serve you... I give you my leadership....... I never wanted this for you or them..." Wait, is this guy who Zorax was before he died? nO. Hey, wait until the Riff is over to talk, buddy.He then collapsed and faded away into mist. Yeah, you’re tripping, dude.

Now I will advise you to never think about the people you take for granted, for I am them. ''I don’t take you for granted. I just hope you die.'' Never follow the man that wants you to come with him, or you will end up like me. Well, I’m pretty sure, “Don’t follow people stalking you” is something everyone knows. I will now warn you; I am real. I am as real as the clothes on your back, and the blood in your body. So what you’re trying to say is that I’m naked and bloodless? I am as real as you, and I am you. ''No you aren’t. You aren’t sexy, funny, likable, or literate enough to be me.'' I am as real as every star in the sky, and every cell in your body. I am as real as the day and night, and was born out of both. I will say to you again, I am Real, I Am Real, I AM REAL!!!! ''Sure you are. You’re as real as this story arc.''

Well, this story sucks. It's not scary, well written, and the character isn't likable in the least. It's just one quick piece of crap. Anyway...

"Alrighty, you two, Riff's over. Now, what's this about Slender Man and the Operator being different people altogether?" I asked Indo and Doomsayer.

"sLenDeR mAn WaS, aT oNe PoInT, jUsT a MaN. tHeN hE bEcAmE tHe FiRsT pRoXy. EvEnTuAlLy, He PhYsIcAlLy ChAnGeD tO rEsEmBlE tHe OpErAtOr. NoW hE iS tHe MaIn RePrEsEnTaTiVe FoR tHe OpErAtOr On ThIs PlAnE." the Doomsayer explained.

"Huh. Well, this is news to me. So why are you here?"

"Because both the Operator and Slender Man are afraid of Zorax," Indo answered. "Because of that, they're gathering escapees from 'the Project' into a team to stop him."

"I'm sorry, the Project?"

"Yeah. It's where you got your healing factor, and I became part cat."

"Wait, I have a healing factor?" I twisted my head all the way around to see. And since I'm typing all this, well, I'm assuming you all can guess how that went.

"Alright. So I have a healing factor, and you're a cat girl because of the Project, which is connected to Zorax how?"

"He wanted to make an immortal and obedient army. He found people, and took them to the Project to get that done."

"Alrighty. And why are Slender Man and the Operator scared of Zorax, and what does it have to do with us?"

"zOrAx KnOwS tHe ToNgUe Of DaRkNeSs, WhIcH cAn HuRt ThE oPeRaToR, sLeNdER mAn, AnD tHe CoLlEcTiVe In GeNeRal. ThE oPeRaToR kNoWs YoU aNd ThOsE wHo EsCaPeD tHe PrOjEcT mIgHt HaVe A cHaNcE aT sToPpInG hIm." Doomsayer explained.

"So Zorax has been able to hurt these powerful beings -"

"AnD cLoNe ThEm."

"Clone them? Zorax is the Jackal?"

"No. BuT hE dId CrEaTe A cLoNe Of SlEnDeR mAn CaLlEd El CaTrIn."

"Ugh. That being from that Crappypasta I Riffed exists."

"YeS. aNd He'S daNgErOuS."

"He's just Slendy with a top hat."

"eXaCtLy. WhIcH iS wHy We MuSt StOp HiM."

"Fine then. I guess we're going to Mexico to stop a clone of Slender Man, then find other freaks of nature like me and Indo. Life is fun sometimes."

"Yay! I've always wanted to go to Mexico!" Indo yelled.

So, what do you folks think? Is the Doomsayer full of crap? Did you miss my "what do you folks think" last post? Should I end this story arc? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.