Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25891880-20150121210034/@comment-25226524-20150123023243

Well the concept isn't bad, but the delivery needs a lot of work. This would likely be deleted if you submitted it as it is. Below are a few things that you need to work on. They are listed in the order that they appear in the story.

...made a fire and cooked marshmallows on them. "them" should be "it" or "fire" should be "fires"

I don't think I've ever had so much fun as a kid back then. It should probably read: as I did back then.

This sentence doesn't make any sense to me: After that camping trip, we went to a lot more of them every year, but not until two years ago. (You say you went on a lot more trips every year, but not until two years ago? It's a bit of an oxymoron.)

It was out of our state of Maine, and in Pennsylvania. No need to tell us it's out of Maine when you're already telling us it's in another state.

You repeat that the campground looked old in back to back sentences, which isn't something you want to do.

Also, saying that we knew we were there when we saw the sign is a little obvious. I would do something about that.

and only one lake. ? As opposed to multiple lakes? Just say, "and a lake."

"Music," I thought to myself. No need to use quotes for inner thoughts, especially in first person (if it were third person I would recommend using italics). And you put the comma outside the quotes after "music" when it should be inside.

You need to tell us what the song is or at least describe what it sounds like.

Why couldn't your dad go out in the cold to find out who was playing the music? Maybe it should be "wouldn't" instead.

Don't capitalize letters after an ellipsis unless it's a word that is always capitalized (unless your starting a new sentence, in which case there should be a space after the ellipsis, then a period.) Example: I tried to ignore it, but I... just couldn't. (use ellipses sparingly, if at all.)

...the dark and creepy woods. I would take that out.

You should combine the two sentences about branches and mud puddles: There were branches and mud puddles everywhere...

I was filled with great terror... . You should do something with that. Something like, "I nearly pissed myself" or "My blood froze in my veins" would be a little more natural.

He scared me so much that I couldn't move. Again, this is too generic and unnatural. You need to mix things up a bit.

But that's what I thought. This should read, "or so I had thought."

There are a lot of other issues with your story, but I can't point out everything. You really need to work on making things sound more natural and less dry. This story needs description and emotion. The ending also really needs to be worked on. I'm not really sure how you should end it, but the current ending just doesn't work in my opinion.

I think there's a decent story in there if you're willing to work on it. Put some effort into making this one better and the next one will be easier. Keep writing. Be sure to post a new comment if/when you've made changes so we can take a look at it.