User:Mr Thundergodz

Hello, my name is James and im from a town not too far off from Nashville Tennessee. Im writting this not to seem a cliché ritualpasta, or to actually hurt people, but to help instead for anyone who is depressed, or knows someone that is depressed. For a long time now i have felt depression and even suicidal at times. I live a decent life although i am poor, but I still use to feel terrible about my life. Although i am still a teenager and actually turning 16 in a few weeks, but I still dealt with abandonment issues, as well as just being awkward in general and anti-social. It doesn't help that i am an atheist while my father is a fundemental christian. You know, the type that shoves religion down your throat in the hopes of "saving you". Either way without going into detail about my petty problems but I still wanted to die and was close to death multiple times.

In my school they offer an IT class that also touches on business, since the school system of Tennessee has about the same worth as my actual problems. Anyways we have started a lession on HTML coding and i was trying to learn, but all at the same time my mind zoned out on my problems. The name Breanna came into mind and I couldn't focus. I loved her so much and she abandoned me just like everyone else. I remember nearly crying as i layed my head down so no one could see the greif i was going through and began to think. Later on in the class the teacher tapped my shoulder and told me to get to work. I noticed at that point the whiteboard said to create a basic website with a description of some bullshit NASA paragraph just to get us typing practice on top of all the other shit we had to do. I had no idea what I was doing and yet again I let my depression overtake my mind. Since I have been failing my classes anyways, I needed to get at least one to stay strong if I gave any of a fuck over my GEP, but at this point i didn't think I would live long anyways. So somewhat teary eyed I typed HTLM codes into Google, and accidently clicked the "I'm feeling lucky!". I know what you are probably thinking already and thinking all of this is fake, and you are only going to think that more and more as you keep reading this but i'm not bullshitting you with this. Either way I whipped my eyes to help my better see as the screen tried to load with the mixture of the shitty school internet and the computers that are still running Windows XP because we cant afford anything else. I saw a huge thing of HTML coding with a title exclaiming "How To Escape". At this point I was curious on what it said. I oped a notepad file and saved it as a .htm file as i copied and pasted the code onto it and saved. I saw my website pop up with a title called "How To Escape". It talked about how depression isn't something that is produced by a snobby society feeling sorry for themselves, but instead was evolutionary trait to help us want to keep a mate, as well as to stay alive but as society advances, as well as our minds, depression manifested itself as something deadly and something we can not handle anymore. then it gave a Tor link saying "how to save a life". For those who don't know what Tor is, its a web browser that allows you to explore the deep web, as well as hide your IP address. My mind was curious and so I saved the link onto my phone for later when I get home. My mind setting was "if a virus downloads itself I can always wipe my computer".

I downloaded Tor onto my computer when I got home from school and typed the link into the Tor browser. it showed nothing but a video which I watched. It showed a teddy bear with fluff comming out of its arms and legs, almost like it cut itself...like i have. It showed someone crying expressing everything wrong in their life, pulled a gun from his coat pocket and shot the doll, and then passed out. Then a caption came up covering the video of the passed out man saying "he is fighting his depression. If you are not sincere, or strong you will perish". Then the man woke up and grabbed the pistol again and shot himself. I was appalled by the grusome scene of blood comming out of his nose from where he shot the inside of his mouth and blood splatter from the teddy bear. I closed the browser imediately scared of what I just saw. I was thinking I had enough of a rough day, and I would go walk my dog to calm myself, but that was when the worst happened. the leash was weak and we couldn't get a new one yet because of money issues. Seriously we have a hard time affording food at times but were just barely unable to apply for foodstamps. Anyways the dog saw a rabbit running through a neighbor's yard and tried to run for it. At that point that redneck bastard came driving on a four wheeler and ran over the dog. The dog was injured but still alive. Its front left leg was broken and there was blood comming from cuts on the dog. I ran home crying my eyes out and the dog in my arms. My father tried to help the dog but said we couldnt help it until monday since it was friday night at this point and the vet's office isnt open on weekends as well as there was no way we could afford to go to the emergency vet. At this point I took the dog into my room and layed it down. It was in pain and could barely move. At this point Breanna came back into mind. I thought of my dog being in so much pain, Breanna hating me, and my father's anger for me, and then I cried. I cried for hours and cutted my wrist again opening up wounds just to feel something other than sorrow. At that point the video poped into my mind again. I was so close to death already I thought I might as well try to do it even though I am sceptical, and if all else fails, I would already have a gun in my hand to end my agony. So I grabbed a revolver out of my father's closet and my teddy bear from my childhood, as well as the pocket knife I had from cutting myself. I walked to the backyard and went down to an old firepit we had from the owners of the house before us, and sat down. I had tears running down my face still as I cut the slits into my teddy bear and whipped my tears over the arms and legs of the stuffed animal. One more tear fell down my face as I grabbed the pistol and shot the teddy bear. At that point I felt myself slowly going black, like you do when you're about to go into surgery and they put you under anesthesia. At this point I only saw blackness. Then I saw a almost fadded form of Breanna in front of me with the same gun I used to shoot the teddy bear between us, and I heard a voice. It said "You must sacrafice the one you love the most to save yourself". "You must shoot her, or yourself to escape this limbo". At this point i grabbed the gun, feeling hesitant if firing. I felt almost sick to my stomach and cottonmouthed. I fired the gun at her, hitting her in the gut, and she fell. The voice said " You...Haved...Escaped". I woke back up and with throw up surrounding my mouth, and the teddy bear, but I felt better though. I still had the though of Breanna in my mind but I didn't cry imidiately to the thought of her hating me. I felt almost like I didn't care anymore and that life was finally better. Im writting this a few days later because I wanted to say that it actually worked! I haven't felt depressed since and I honestly think my life is getting better. My dog has finally gone to the vet and is recovering, my father is starting to talk to me again, and even most of my friends who hated me because of Breanna started to talk to me again today. There is only one flip side to all of this though that is still making me feel guilty. I saw Breanna earlier today in the guidance office with the resource officer holding her wrist open with a phone in his hand. As I walked by the office I saw red on her arm like its been cut into....I realized that it said "Im Depressed..."