Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26562371-20160613011630/@comment-24101790-20160613020050

There's quite a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, indenting paragraphs, while correct in other forms of literature causes formatting issues on wiki format. Additionally, please use source mode when posting a story as visual editor causes this coding issue: " " to appear on every line. On a final note on the basics, please do not reupload stories after they've been deleted. It's better to ask an admin or make a writer's workshop post as reuploading them is in violation of our site rules. Here are a few of the mechanical errors I came across at a glance.

"After signing her official divorce papers, she became recluse" should be "After signing her official divorce papers, she became (a) recluse"

"he was handsome, polite, and even named after a bible character" should be "he was handsome, polite, and even named after a bible (Bible) character"

"Ever since you gave birth, all i (I) could think about was how stupid I was."

"I have control over myself; onlyme!” (only me!)"

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues are. I feel like a lot more characterization/explanation of the character's decisions would make for a stronger story. "It was only a year after the miscarriage when he left her." It would really build up the characters and story more if you delved into their reasons, especially when they seem counter-intuitive or the plot hinges on them (like for Mark's machinations). For example: "He glanced at the painful area and noticed a small amount of blood rising up through the fabric of his undershirt. It was obviously Mark. Obviously." Why would Daniel go to the church to confront this thing alone when it's able to mysteriously inflict such pain on him instead of getting outside help? I am also wondering how Esther has the knowledge to make a doll that is able to speak (indicating quite a lot of mechanization) when her previous dolls have been relatively rudimentary. It also feels kind of odd that she would be able to build this doll empire, yet have no interaction with her town or means of support.

Story issues cont.: A lot of the dialogue feels very awkward. “How could I live in a house? I’m dead!”, “Well, I want many things. I want your freedom, your family, your soul…”, “No, unfortunately I can’t. Mark the doll was meant for me. I am Mark, and you made this doll after me; I was meant to possess it. I need your permission to possess any other dolls of yours that I want to.", “What in all Heaven or Earth was that?”, etc. Reading a majority of these lines aloud really feels awkward.

Story issues cont.: A lot of your paragraphs could use some re-organizing as you tend to really use one sentences paragraphs a number of times throughout the story:

"However, he wasn’t frowning. He was grinning.

"Wickedly.

"Panic flared up in Daniel’s soul as he back up towards the door."

and:

"There was no point.

"She knew it, and made a decision the day she discovered it.

"She decided to stop it all. Forever."

And:

"She just was.

"And yet she wasn’t.

"She went crazy."

This can be effective every once in a while, but overused, it comes off as padding. It would be more effective to join these lines and build off of them rather than separate them by paragraph.

Story issues cont.: Why does Esther decide to lock Mary up in the attic again? You mention it's to protect her, but it feels really unjustified and unexplained why the attack is safe, but no where else is. ("No one would get to her there. Ever. No demon would kill her, or even make contact with her at all.") This feels off when the doll has been shown to move around, inflict injuries without even touching the target and generally be supernatural. Why is the attic a safe haven?

Story issues final: How did Mark get in the doll in the first place? He left Esther years earlier, assuming he died, why exactly would he return there and know he was able to possess that doll because it shared his name. Additionally, why does he want to move into the Snack Time Mary's body? It's never really explain, it just seems shoehorned in to the story to allow for it to tie in with your previous story. It'd be like if someone created a Slenderman prequel and focused on him torturing someone just so they could give him a suit and tie to wear. It really feels like there's no point to that, especially when Mark possesses Mary at the end and not the doll. (“You mean Mary’s doll, Snack Time Mary?") I assume it's to travel between the dolls, but for what purpose when his main goal seemed to be getting revenge on Esther and Daniel.

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here and while I think this story has some good parts, there are still a lot of issues that need correction before an appeal can be made.