Talk:Redacted/@comment-27838637-20180227132237

Been wanting to read this since you asked me to review it in the writers workshop. Though, as fate had it, I was not able to as I was a judge. However, that same fate brought me here to review this interesting little story.

I’m not going to lie, I peeked the comments in the WW when you posted your first draft and I seen a lot of negative comments. I didn’t go too in depth with my reading of the reviews, but I found this to be really good. So it seems you made some drastic changes between then and now.

Or I’ve just got a taste for terrible stories.

Lyrical Interpretation – 14/25

The weakest point of the story for me would have to be the lyrical interpretation. King Nothing is a great song with a lot of meaning, but you didn’t seem to venture past the concept of wishes. I have to award point for this though, as you took a key theme of the song and turned it into a great story, but there was so much more you could have worked with. I did see some parallels to the protagonist being ‘king nothing’ in regards to his memory being lost and being escorted around an empty asylum at the ending, but you could have delved deeper into the songs meaning by introducing a theme of greed in your story. Of course, I can make assumptions that greed is what led the protagonist to where he is now, but to achieve the higher marks for this that needed to be made more evident.

Horror Factor – 17/25

This story definitely has its creepy elements and they are all utilized well. The supernatural-esque powers of the strange man and his clear psychotic motivations are well executed, if a bit cheesy. The memory-loss procedure was unique and creepy, and the psychotic breakdown of the protagonist is done well. I did find that there was an underlying sense of dread throughout the story, and you did well to execute that.

However, the horror seems to stop short here and we don’t get much more than a few glimpses of what might be a supernatural entity, and a toned down self-cannibalism scene. I feel you could have done more to establish this guy as a threat and maybe dragged out the apartment scene a little longer and made him quite a bit more threatening. I also feel that there could have been more mystery and horror added after the procedure was complete, but the story seems to rush to it’s conclusion prematurely when there was more here to work with.

Entertainment Value – 24/25

I don’t know what it was about this story, but I was drawn in very quickly and the plot held my attention for its duration. It was very straightforward and paced very well. You did well to make engaging characters in a story such as this, and it feels like everyone has a story of their own to tell. I do however feel like the ending was rushed and there was opportunity for a little more story here, and this fast paced finale did distract me a little and left me slightly disappointed. However, props to you for nailing everything else here. I’m a huge fan of your writing.

General Quality – 22/25

Everything here was written well, and I didn’t pick up on any errors whilst reading through. There was however, the slight issue I had with the rushed ending. I felt you had more to work with but cut it a little too short in places, but I’ve mentioned this above.

The dialogue at times did feel a little odd and unrealistic, especially in the interview with the psychiatrist. I feel like the protagonist did not just lose his mind so quickly that he spilled all that crazy-talk in front of the psychiatrist so quickly. I also felt that the psychiatrists speech was a little uncanny and unprofessional. There were a few sentences that seemed awkwardly worded but overall everything was executed quite well.

Final Score – 77/100