Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24810508-20150201060506/@comment-26007602-20150202052312

Hmmm. I'm torn.

On one hand, I hate the forced cutting in the first version. On the other, the second version is much, much more disturbing. But not in a way that makes me unnerved; more like it leaves me saying, "What the fuck man..."

I think the problem is that you went all in on this version. You come out and say that there is a man in the suit; I think you should find a way to hint at this, nobody really wants to read about a child getting raped. Also, "caterpillar in the garden" leaves nothing open to interpretation. The whole thing is just rather tasteless and relies on shock value.

If you're set on this idea (I personally think you should drop it, but I'm biased), then I'll try and offer some ways to make it less cringe-worthy.

I don't think Funny Bunny should necessarily be real. He could be a manifestation resulting from trauma the kid experienced in his past, either as a way as coping with it, or from the trauma trying to pull itself out. Maybe the kid actually was molested by a man in a rabbit suit in the past and this apparition comes to haunt him. I can't think of a way to make this particularly creepy, and you really need to imply this rather than just outright saying it, but I think it would be better than having a kid raped by a man in a suit.

Maybe this is just a ghost? There aren't many stories about "rapey" ghosts, so that could be done I suppose...

Shit, typing this is making me uncomfortable. You really need to nix the "love sack" and "caterpillar" lines; the euphemisms are far too obvious, especially when applied to a child.

My final advice is to ditch the whole story, but I understand that you might want to continue with it, as it does have some potential. I'd get the opinion of another user, as I really don't like either version.