Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4843510-20150715203943/@comment-26007602-20150716012547

You've got some nice descriptions here, but there's not enough build up, and the story is really predictable. Your story moves too quickly: the narrator shows up at the cemetery (for an extremely arbitrary and ridiculous reason; I'd change it), sees some blood and then dies. First off, you can't kill the narrator in a first person past tense story. How do they tell the story if they're dead? It makes no sense. Second, you need more than a paragraph of build up. The narrator arrives at this place, walks inside a building, sees some blood, and is then instantly attacked. You need more. There's not enough atmosphere in the setting, nor any foreshadowing as to what is going to happen.

This place is called Limbchop Cemetery; it's not much of surprise when the narrator is attacked and mutilated. The reader instantly knows what's going to happen and the killer's arrival is ineffective as a scare because we knew it was coming. The killer is fairly generic as well. You barely describe him; he just shows up in black clothes and chops up the narrator. You need to give us some description of this guy, and give him some more action. Make him stalk, taunt, or talk to the protagonist; he needs to do something. You can't introduce him at the very end with no build up.