Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24946232-20140516121248/@comment-24077689-20140516220149

The first thing that I notice: is Pinky-Pinky saying “Pinky-Pinky” or is the girl/guy/narrator/protagonist saying “Pinky-Pinky”, if it’s the former, why the frick is Pinky-Pinky just saying his name. Is this like Pokemon? Where the little bastards erupt out of the red and white balls screaming their names.

So, why does she seem so confused on who/what it is, clearly it’s come to her before. Why does it make her gag? I mean, it says that it’ll “never leave her”, this implies that it’s been with her for some time. It makes her confusion, revulsion, etc. etc. all seem a bit misplaced.

One of the most laughable and juvenile things I can think of is when writers have their big baddy, their fucking other worldly entity say something like “listen here, you little bitch”. You’d think a being that is terrifying and manifests out of the nothingness that is her bathroom would have something better to say than “listen to me, you little bitch”.

The way you set up the dialogue is quite nice, it flows very well, and the subsequent descriptions of her parent’s voices is also quite lovely. I’m assuming you’ve fixed the overt vagueness that was this story when it was posted last night.

You do a wonderful job with the set up of how the eighth graders are acting, really spot on. The reactions are very human.

I think the ending is a bit rushed. The last line is perfect the way it is, it’s quite nice. However, from the point when they see the mannequin it pretty quickly moves into Pinky-Pinky manifesting. As well when Pinky-Pinky says “hmm” you should be using an ellipsis. Which, I never thought I’d be telling someone to use more ellipses. The sentence continues so it should read “it seems that Mary has more than one little lamb, hmm…” Mary felt nauseous “it seems Mary had a whole flock”.

Very well done, you went from not having a story to having a pretty good one. I quite enjoyed it.