Sempiternal

The more i try to remember, the more i get lost in my mind...

My name does not matter, i just need a place to empty my thoughts and memories.

Since long as i can remember i've had this incredibly vivid dreams, about anything, nothing in particular, no order needed, no theme related, just dreams. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, some times disappointed realizing that i wasn't in that adventure being the hero exploring those incredible worlds engulfed in colour and beauty, habitats so alive that illuminates with wild and unimaginable colours filling the air and bringing nature to life, and some other night, terrified to point of tears, with those first person nightmares where you feel trapped longing to escape, and realizing that there is no such thing as a safe place, everything is dangerous and you end up waking up in despair.

I have allways liked the idea of going to sleep as tired as i could because that's when i got the best dreams, the more deep ones. I really didn't cared too much if i was going to have a nice dream or a terrifying nightmare, as long as it was a new one i was glad with the experience. Sometimes i even had multiple dreams in one night.

My mother always told me that i had a vivid imagination which i used the most at drawing, many of these drawing as you might expect, were about my dreams.

Since i have always let my imagination dominate me, it was not weird for me to even see myself surrounded in a vast landscape, going throught space and time, or just thinking those "what if" kind of thought on the buss often making me pass by the stop i needed to get down.

One day though, after having one of those "i want to wake up" nightmares, i woke up to do my regular routine, clean my room, take a shower, hit the bong and draw. It was about 17:00 in the afternoon when a friend asked me to go out with some friends. I was walking down the street going to our usual place to get a beer with them, and i decided to go to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes, when i was on the line to pay, looking at all the people there, looking the way they dressed, their faces, gestures, etc, in between the crowd i saw a familiar face, a face that i know i've seen before but not sure where, "maybe i saw him in the street some other day" i thought so i didn't payed too much atention. Later that day, after saying goodbye to my friends, i realized it was pretty late and i was a bit drunk, "fuck, my mom will definitely catch me", she hates when i come back like this, even the slightest scent of beer puts her in a bad mood and i was already, like i said, not in all my 5 senses. So i got to the buss stop and wait, it was about 23:15 in the night when it finally arrived so i had about 40 minutes or so to sober up in the way back home. Looking through the window watching the buildings pass by, the people walking, the cars, letting my imagination fill me up, suddenly i was looking funny faces and weird landscapes, but of course it could be the fact that i was kinda drunk, then i saw the same face again, the one at the store, and i was pretty sure it was the same one, he was standing in a corner under the traffic lights as the buss had stopped waiting the green light to continue, "who the fuck is that guy?", and as the buss start moving again we made eye contact and i felt pretty weird because i knew i have seen that face before...

When i got home my mom was sleeping and i managed to get in my room without making any noise, and since i was pretty tired because of the beer i went to sleep. That night i had a weird dream, i was standing in between the crowd, the noise of the people talking, the cars passing by, the constructions nearby, i saw a face, i saw HIS face, that fucking face, just a regular face like yours and mine, 2 eyes, 2 ears, nose, eyebrows and mouth,  doing the same as me, just there, standing, looking arownd for something, i started looking too, to see if there was something to look for, then i realized that he was looking at me, i was what he was looking for, i stared at him and i realized how his face was changing, from a regular guy's face to something... his face was starting to spin slowly as if in the center of his face was a black hole swallowing it, moving clockwhise and the final result is a face you think it was messed up with a whisk, at that point i was freaking out and wanted to run but i couldn't, i felt his gaze upon me and i now remember him, in most of my dreams, the most vivid ones, i've seen him, not directly, but i know he has been there, somewhere in my dreams, maybe a random citizen in one of my adventures as hero or hiding between the jungle of some lost world i was exploring, now i know why i he was so familiar to me, he has been there all the time only i just didn't paid attention to him, as i felt like he was swallowing me with his eyes i was panicking and wanted to wake up so bad, wanted to scream but i had no voice, wanted to move but i was paralized, i felt how the darkness of his eyes was taking over, i was scared, i was defenceless, i was being consumed and there was no escape and suddenly, i felt nothing, i saw nothing, i didn't hear a thing, it was a void, a dark void, no lights, no sounds or anything, nothingness, and a massive panic feeling took upon me and i was ready to crumble... and i woke up, i was so scared, i was shaking, i was free...

The next day after having that can be only described as an "i want to wake up" dream i did my regular routine, clean my room, take a shower, hit the bong and draw. It was about 17:00 in the afternoon when a friend asked me to go out with some friends. I was walking down the street going to our usual place to get a beer with them, and i decided to go to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes...

this feels familiar...