Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29076144-20160715191116/@comment-29598598-20160815072919

Hello, Tide16. I have read all versions of this story and see all the improvements you made throughout each of your revisions. However, I noticed that there were still many issues present with your story.

First off, there were several punctuation errors present in your story. I'm not going to list them, but you I recommend you ensure all your future stories are properly punctuated.

Second, even though you clearly tried to correct several of your typos/misspellings, grammatical errors and awkwardly worded phrases, I still noticed that you had many errors that remained uncorrected. Here is a list of such errors I found while reading your newly revised story:

It just felt wrong to have to put another living animal... (The use of "another" in this case would imply that the narrator and the deer are both animals, which is clearly not the case as the narrator is a human.)

Will and Sam where (were) my two best friends...

...for being too (omit "too") redneck(s).

i (I) was their only real friend.

...at 12 at night ("in the morning" as 12:00am is considered morning)...

...drive to a subway (Subway. This should be capitalized as it is the name of a company)...

...I listened to the closely to sounds (closely to the sounds) of the summer night.

...it's (its) lips...showing of it's (its) fangs... (keep in mind it's = it is, its = possessive)

We only (know/do) because of how...

Sure some of them did call someone (What does this mean? Who called who? Were locals calling the police? Please specify).

Once we got back, me and Sam (Sam and I) packed...

...since I lived in a city were (where) cars were...

They (The) key's buttons were broken...

"Please look for it (them) then!" Sam said...

...Sam walked back to the shack (What shack? The narrator made no previous mention of a shack).

I ran thought (through) the door and collapsed...

...one of their long arguments; and I was just was just (omit second "was just") sitting on the couch...

Their argument was interrupted by a large (loud) noise outside.

There was a small gap that I could barely fit into too (omit "too").

I creeped (crept) down the hallway...

We will come back (Why is "We" italicized? Italics are used for emphasis. Why is "we" being emphasized?).

We could find someone at there (the) house up here...

Being stranded in the middle of a lake with lighting (lightning) and wind...

We saw lighting (lightning) constantly streak...

This was to (too) much for us and it toppled...

I felt myself go underwater and was spun around for (omit "for") a few times.

...away from whatever had made that God-awful (God awful) noise.

It sounded eerily similar to the one me and Sam (Sam and I) heard earlier (The narrator states that the night before that he heard a "whimper", but now he states that he is hearing a "blood-curdling scream". A whimper sounds vastly different from a scream).

This whole place was dirty and dusty, like no one had been here for while (a while).

...most of the (omit "the") their intestines...

The skin on there (their) faces and arms was rotting.

The narrator sees corpses are obviously extremely mangled. How could he have mistaken them for someone sleeping? Was the lighting initially poor?

There (their) skin wasn't cut precisely...

There was a large (loud) crash followed by alcohol sweeping (spilling) over the floor.

...so I wasn't at least (at least I wasn't) blindly running around the forest.

It obviously had a great sense of smell (How exactly was it made obvious that the creature had a great sense of smell?)

I hadn't made it this far just (to) die a door away from freedom.

I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds before i (I) started the car. (Perhaps you should switch these sentences around, i.e., "The alarm had gone off for a solid 10 seconds before I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm.")

I hopped onto (into) the driver's seat...

...shining through the cabin so I I (omit second "I") could see all around it.

I made my (way) to what I assumed was the kitchen.

If I had eaten anything recently, I most definitely would have threw (thrown) it all back up.

Thankfully it was to (too) dark too (to) see the details...

I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet (How could he have felt this? This would either mean that he was barefoot or he had holes in his shoes.).

After (a) few jabs, the creature...

Finally, I understand how you were trying to create a symbolic ending that tied into an element first mentioned in the beginning (the mention of "I used to hate fishing"), however, this ending does not seem appropriate or realistic. He escaped being killed by this creature and one of his friends was killed and mutilated. If this were to happen to a person in real life, they would attempt to call the police or, if they had no access to a phone, they would try to find some sort of help. In your story, however, we have the narrator who has clearly gone through a traumatic event, yet he still decides to go fishing. I'm sorry but this feels way too unrealistic. I think you should try to write an ending that is both appropriate given the circumstances yet still has the symbolism you were trying to go for. Perhaps he could call for the police and/or ambulance and after they arrive and start tending to the scene, then the narrator decides to go fishing out on the lake.

I highly recommend that you take time to sit and read any stories you write aloud to yourself. This will allow you to catch grammatical/wording errors that auto-correct may not recognize. You may be surprised by what you find.

As Jay Ten mentioned, this pasta will most likely not be accepted to the wiki due to these present errors, however, I think that this story was still very much a decent attempt to write a good Creepypasta. Yes, few people will be able to write a decent story on their first few tries, but don't let that discourage you from trying again in the future. I would recommend at the very least saving this story so you can keep it for yourself. I can tell you invested a lot of time in this story and it would be a shame to see all that effort undone. Use all the constructive criticism you receive on your stories to learn how to improve your skills and make your a better overall writer. I hope my review here has been at least somewhat helpful to you. Best of luck with all your future stories.