Talk:Colonia-10/@comment-35711173-20181224202646

I grade on two points: English and Story

English:

You have some questionable punctuation, but that's not critical. www.grammarly.com will try to find the errors but it's going to find a lot of false ones.

You have six run-on sentences. Use https://www.scribens.com/ to find those.

In English, you don't start sentences with digits. You do that many time.

You have several conjugation errors. For example: The crew were never aware of the fact that the ship never got the chance to reset its shield. The Crew is one thing - the entire crew. You use were, which is the conjugation for plural. You should have conjugated it as "The crew was" or "The crew members were."

You are adverb heavy. From "an unknown destination" to a "red horrifying terminal," you have tons of them. I've never said anyone has too many before, but you do. Cut them back. Don't eliminate them but consider whether any are necessary. Why should this be an unknown destination? Why couldn't it be Altos IV? Why couldn't it simply be a critical stop? They lead to confusion, especially the last one. Was the monitor the error was displayed on spray painted red? My brain has to pause and think and decide when it really doesn't drive the story forward whether it was painted purple or the diagnostic text was white.

I looked at the first three paragraphs carefully. You have too much repetition of the same words. It gets boring. That first paragraph is tough to read.

I found too many uses of vague and abstract words.


 * all (4)
 * some (2)
 * already (1)
 * amount (1)
 * approximately (1)
 * would (1)
 * about (1)
 * probably (1)

Watch these. I'm not saying cut them all out. Just carefully check to see which ones are needed and which ones aren't. If you don't need it, edit it out.

You really need to read this story out loud to yourself. If you can't smoothly read it out loud we won't be able to understand it. You need to edit mercilessly. Anything that doesn't drive the story forward should be cut out.

Several paragraphs qualify as "Walls of text." You need to break them. Read How to Not Make a Wall of Text

Story: The story isn't a bad idea at all. Software glitch causes mass death in space ships. Millions of people dead because some coder didn't do his job. It is a hard science story. That will stop some people.

Over all, I don't feel any emotions. Good fiction conveys feelings. I just don't feel anything. There is little to distinguish the guy in the escape capsule from an android. You have to fix that or the story will bore many readers.