User blog:EmpyrealInvective/Halloween Movie Marathon

So as I'm sure of you already know, this October I am doing a horror/sci-fi movie marathon. One a day all the way up to Halloween. I was uploading it to Facebook, but I figure I should share it here as well. Finally, if you have any suggestions, post it in the comments below. (11 more days before your opportunity to recommend a movie that literally scares the pants off of me is gone 'til next year.)

1. Let’s start slow with: Ernest Scared Stupid. I used to watch this movie a lot as a kid. I wonder how many lactose intolerant children assumed they were trolls because milk was also the trolls’ weakness. I wonder what Jim Varney's been up to? Let me just google that… Oh… Now I’m sad, bad start to the Halloween festivities.

2. Bela Lugosi plays “Murder” (Yes, that was apparently his name.) Legendre whose major scare factor in the movie White Zombie is apparently his foreign appearance. (Apparently racism/xenophobia in the 1930’s was very hardcore.)

3. Gave Smiley a go, a re-imagining of the Bloody Mary/Candyman story. (Done poorly) Apparently typing “I did it for the lulz” into chatroulette summons the titular killer. (How they manage that without being barraged by a bunch on naked people who frequent chat roulette is a mystery that is never explained.)

4. On Saturdays, let’s switch it up and watch a few random horror tv shows from my youth. First up, Are You Afraid of the Dark, was this show always so bent on punishing kids didactically? “Want to play a pinball game despite being told not to? It’s cursed.” “Stole money meant for your mother’s birthday present to buy a clown doll? (Logical choice???”) It’s cursed.” I’m noticing a pattern here AYAotD.

5. Just watched the movie Leprechaun in which the titular leprechaun speaks only in a rhyming scheme and terrorizes Jennifer Anniston… Sadly he does not rap in this one. They saved that for the sequels. (You had your chance Jennifer Anniston to be part of something glorious, but you passed on it. I bet the regret is just eating her away now. You could have been a part of this.)

6. The Black Cat, an old black and white movie in which Bela Lugosi is terrified of black cats. In the movie, he kills a cat in front of a group of people. He explains that he did this because he doesn’t like cats. Barely anyone bats an eye at this reasoning… Man the 1930’s were rough on animal welfare.

7. While not technically a horror movie, Attack the Block is worth the watch. Aliens invade an apartment block in Britain and hijinx ensue. Some of the best chase sequences and accompanying music I have ever seen. Seriously, if you can/understand British accents, there is no reason not to watch this.

8. Phantasm from Don Coscarelli is a classic. I like how they don’t hold your hand and explain anything to you. You are left to figure out the Tall Man's background and his machinations. The movie requires a few viewings and I’m still picking up on things. On an odd note, two separate men are seduced in graveyards. (A prime location for canoodling?)

9. Let’s get some classics in here: The Shining. Man, the ghost woman in room 237 was traumatizing for me as a child. Nothing like going from sexy naked woman to rotting corpse in an instant. (Good thing there was nothing else that could be misconstrued as emotionally scaring in that movie… Especially nothing involving a man in a bear costume.)

10. The Orphanage. One of my favorite movies, an amazingly dark twist. Oh Guillermo del Toro, you’re forgiven for Hellboy 2. Best of luck on Slaughterhouse-Five (2015, yes that is happening.)

11. This Saturday, let's watch some Goosebumps. Was this show always this cheesy? Also why did they never adapt the book “The Beast from the East” into an episode? (http://goosebumps.wikia.com/wiki/The_Beast_From_the_East) Was it because it looks racist as shit? (My bet’s on that answer.)

12. Troll II The best worst movie ever. You know you’re in trouble when the film’s protagonist does a documentary about how bad the film was. The acting/delivery of lines is perfect! “Nilbog? That’s goblin spelled backwards!”

13. “House of the Dead” The worst worst movie ever. Seriously, check this shit out. Bear witness to its terribleness. Then there’s this. That is how immortality works. Uwe Boll strikes again!

14. Odd Thomas, I was excited for this one as I read the Dean Koontz book while in the Peace Corps, but they really didn’t do a good job of capturing the characters of feel of the book. Ozzy (Patton Oswald!) has one scene that is basically a throw-away one. The spirit of Elvis does not make an appearance either. It had a little comedy, but not enough.

15. Killer Klowns from Outer Space, just be glad they’re not from the Kuipiter Belt… Horrible abbreviations. On another note, never ask a clown rhetorically if he’s ‘going to knock your block off’. Klowns(?) are masters of verbal irony.

16. You know what movie really gets to me? Play Misty for Me Clint Eastwood is a radio DJ and is menaced by an obsessed woman he had a fling with. (It escalates rather quickly.) Nothing quite like a massive role reversal in which the archytypal tough guy is reduced to the victim. Good movie. Not much funny stuff to say about it though...

17. The Ward was directed by John Carpenter and takes place in a mental asylum. As such, you already know the St. Elsewhere style-twist that is coming. It's not bad, but I wouldn't really recommend renting/buying/pirating it. On the plus side, a girl cold-cocks a ghost with a plastic bleach container. Touché John Carpenter, touché.

18. Just watched a few old Tales From the Crypt episodes. I don’t know if I should have watched this as a kid. A woman literally murders a man after intromission perpetuating a cycle of women brutally murdering men after sex. I’m surprised I didn’t have to go into scare-apy for that one. (…What pun?)

19. A two-fer! The Conjuring and Annabelle. The Conjuring is a relatively fresh take on haunted house stories and does atmosphere very well. (Although it felt like they were shoe-horning explanations at times. House smells like rotten meat? There must be a ghost/demon here… Or you need to clean your house.) Annabelle on the other hand proves why you shouldn’t do a sequel/prequel of a successful movie. It brings nothing new to the table and substitutes clichés for creepy moments.

20. Up next, Hellraiser: Revelation. Some movies are so bad they’re good. Others are so bad they make Leonard: Part 6 look good. Hellraiser: Revelation belongs in the later. I can’t think of anything funny to say, the movie was enough of a joke in itself... Seriously, I watched this one online and I wanted my money back. When I remembered that I had pirated it, I only felt shame.

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

26.

27.

28.

29.

30.

31.

Note: I will probably update this weekly so as to not blow up the feed. Suggestions welcome.