Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32552529-20170712051218/@comment-32461413-20170712114257

I'll get into my thoughts on the story, but my biggest concern is that this story is a blacklisted subject; meaning that haunted files/games are so overdone that they aren't allowed. My best advice would be, upon fixing up some errors that I found, to post this story to the Spinpasta Wiki.It's a wiki that is made specifically for these blacklisted subjects. It also has its own Writers Workshop in case you need it as well.

I think you should use the ellipse (...) more sparingly. I find that with characters in conversation, chances are they probably wouldn't use those as much. It also becomes a bit repetitive over time, so really be selective when you decide to use them.

Why would the moderator immediately assume that the "creepy music" is the fan inside the console? Granted this part isn't that important, I just feel that he should be more sublte about it. Perhaps he suggests that it could the fan. It just feels like a hasty conclusion to make given that he doesn't know what it sounds like.

I feel that the conclusion is rather abrupt; there is really no resolution of any sort to what happens. I'm not saying that they have to find a solution to the problem or that the console kills everyone or whatever. However, I feel even utilizing the abrupt ending, there needs to be some feeling of resolvement at the end. Essentially, I don't feel the ending is satisfying. I would suggest rather than cutting off the story, to keep going a bit longer while thinking about bringing it to an end.

I think that the bold word "DEAD" is pretty cliche. Same with the volume of the music and the "crude drawing of a man." These things have been done so much in these kind of stories that it pretty much becomes expected. I think you should think about some ideas that are more out there for what happens to the console.

Besides the story being a blacklisted subject, my biggest concern is the last point I made; this feels like a haunted/possessed game/file type story. Same cliches, same overall plot, etc. I think it would be really neat to see a story like that is really different from the rest. Unfortunately, there is not much more I can suggest or do than saying that.