Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25329900-20141119082320/@comment-25329900-20141119201946

Engrave wrote: "Good writing, and though the concept is a little rough around the edges, there's a solid idea here."

'''Thank you Engrave that lets me know I'm on the right track so far. I'm happy that at least my writing skills are up to par. when it comes to conveying things in a way readers can understand and the writing isn't sloppy. It is the framework of the story I suppose that needs some work and revising so that it has more of a buildup and edge to it before a twist is dropped.'''

"However I feel that, while the writing is good, it shifts its tone too much at times. For the  most part the woman is rather formal, but occasionally she slips into "Yeah, ___" and similar kinds of phrasing, which comes across as the language of someone younger than she is meant to be."

'''Good point! I need to make her character more consistent. Formal to formal. The only time she should slip slide I feel is if she is going insane or is acting unpredictable and it is very clear that she is not that kind of woman. She is more level headed and intelligent.'''

"Additionally Peter, while occasioanlly reacting, doesn't seem to do much apart from accept tea and listen quietly as the story is told. Door to door salesmen, in my experience, wouldn't behave like that. Some more reactions to his actions would definitely give him more of a personality, perhaps stopping him from interrupting to bring up his product or, by the end, getting up. The absence of his actions is especially noticeable due to the title putting emphasis on the fact he is a salesman."

'''Indeed the conversation is rather one sided and we are missing the arrogant, fast talking, pushy, and shark like personality of how most salesman can behave because he is the silent listener. I can see how that would make you feel we are missing out on knowing his personality. That is an issue... but although I would like to write in things for him to say... I feel that would detract from the woman's narrative. '''

'''Obviously she is high strung, a little sad, and in need of someone to talk to as well as to listen to her, even though she is polite harmless and friendly. She is desperate and it seems she needs help from any random Joe Smoe off of the street who is willing to give her the time of day. In so much that even a random door to door salesman is good enough for her. '''

With her kids all grown with lives of their own it's obvious she is very much alone, or at least it seems that way only after she reveals that Henry is dead and long gone but yet still with her in spirit.

'''This is what I was trying to convey. So maybe I need to do a better job to make that a repetative point so that people are not looking to Peter but are solely looking to Henry's wife. Maybe I need to flesh out her personality more?'''

"Finally, I think the story is a bit too long for its own good. When the twist is a single line, you want a buildup that reaches its most interesting right when the line is thrown in. When the buildup for a horror story is an eternity of a woman talking about her husband, your reader will catch on to the fact that he's probably dead (or worse), and may lose interest. "

'''I indeed wanted this to be a SHORT story intriguing but to the point and the kind that bites the reader in the bottom when they least expected it. But it seems that because I am a very wordy descriptive writer I tend to write too long to make a short creepy story, lol. I do need to shorten this and make it less obvious. That would work better I agree.'''

"On the flipside, about halfway through the the length of conversation made me think the tea was poisoned and that she had killed her husband, so if that was what you were going for I'd say you succeeded, though I'd still say shorten it a bit."

'''Well I am glad I at least kept you on your toes a little bit with not entirely being sure what to expect. :P'''

"Overall, good concept, good writing, execution just needs a little bit of work and it'll be good to go in my opinion."

'''Thank you kindly. All your key points will be taken into consideration as I revise this. So stay tuned to this story for updates and keep reading and commenting please when you have the time. ;)'''