Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26893881-20150802175449/@comment-25226524-20150803162002

Unless there are lights all around this derelict school, I don't think they'd be able to see it or the people very well at 1 AM.

"...I got out of the car I looked over the fence into the deserted playground." (something needs done with that second "I")

He got out of the car and looked over the fence... and what did he see? He just goes right back to his car without any explanation.

Awkward sentence: "I then walked back to my car and just as I was about to say something to my daughter I then realized she was fast asleep." (also a little bit surprised a kid could fall asleep in a matter of seconds after seeing burned people, the commotion of stopping and the dad getting out of the car, etc.)

No explanation of the significance of these sentences: "I noticed aswell that my car looked like it was about four feet from where I parked it and the handbrake was down. Which was worrying as there was a steep hill going down another four feet ahead." (what caused this? why is it mentioned?)

These sentences don't work: "I woke up the next morning and decided to go out and get breakfast for everyone, so as I walked to my car I identified red childlike handprints all over the rear. I then freaked out and as I was on my way I thought to go and investigate the school deeper, as it got me intrigued." (too rushed and unnatural sounding)

once functional learning establishment (that phrase is too much. it's trying too hard)

I'm gonna' stop there. This story needs suspense and flow added to it, and there are still a lot of sentences that are simply unnatural. I think you need to do some more reading, move onto another story and come back to this one later. I'm sorry and I don't want you to get discouraged, but I can't let this on the site without being almost completely rewritten. Keep reading and practicing; you'll get better. Don't let one story get you stuck in a rut (I have dozens of unfinished stories on my computer).