Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37554505-20181121225755/@comment-35711173-20181122172407

SpiderGeneral,

I suggest that you improve the second person POV. It works here.

You need to explain who the speaker is and who they are speaking to. Once you set the frame for that, things improve. You may want to have them speak as if they are answering questions in places. Look at around the third paragraph. That's where you would need to establish things.

Why is that outside voice talking to this meatsack in particular? Consider explaining that better.

You do need to explain and improve the end but you need to also improve the experience the meatsack has right in the middle when they do comply.

I suggest deleting the circle from your higher dimension talk. How many lines is a circle? Is it one or is it an infinite number? Stick with right angle geometry. Point, line, square, then to a tesseract and then a penteract or decateron.

Dr. Bob