Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27228881-20151116134624/@comment-24101790-20151116173132

I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here. The largest being the story itself. Your story really falls into a lot of the pitfalls of your typical CPC/OC story. Beyond that, there are wording, punctuation, capitalization, grammatical (it's=it is, its=possession), and story issues that drastically reduce the quality of your writing.

Wording: "She turned around and saw the lady in white shirt with beige skirt beckoned (beckon/beckoning) her to come closer to the teacher's car.", "Caramel's father said something while she was on the way to the dining table and she heard both of her parents laughed (laugh/laughing) romantically.". Awkward wording: "Also, I'm very busy tonight to finish other things that need to be sent tomorrow morning so I can't do the papers tonight,", "Although her father might come in between anytime.", "The creator, Beck, picked the name for fun to tease her name and her personality which combined greatly.", ""Okay, make sure you're back hurry,"", etc.

Wording continued: "She swallowed a saliva.", "She turned around and saw no cars at (in) sight.", "Since then, same disturbing murders had happened throughout the city but the polices (sic) always fail to catch the murderer due to the occurrences happened (sic) at night and on random times at random houses.", "It said hear that whoever the killer is heading near towards our neighbourhood.", "All she had to do was to find a familiar taste in each human blood.", etc. If English isn't your first language, I would strongly recommend getting someone who is a bit more versed in the language to help you as these issues are present through-out the story. Punctuation: punctuation missing from dialogue "Sweet Cammy" Commas missing where a pause is implied: "I'm very sorry Caramel but are you free tomorrow?", "The rapist is no where to be found but the polices (sic) are working hard to find him.", etc. Commas used incorrectly in dialogue: "That's great news dad, thanks. I think I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go to bed,(.)", ""Okay, don't stay up too late,".",

Capitalization: ""I have to stay a bit late at school tomorrow. Mrs. Margaret needs help," She (she) stated blandly.", ""Oh, okay take all the rest you need baby," Her (her) mother said.", ""What? Put that scythe down," The (the) mother ordered"", etc. There are a lot of other issues present here, but those were the ones I saw at a glance when I first read your story and determined it wasn't up to quality standards.

Story issues: the protagonist snaps and murders her family for little to no reason. There really seems to be no animosity implied between them so when she decides to kill them, it just comes off like it was shoehorned into the story because OC/CPC characters always kill their family. You additionally have a tendency to use words incorrectly: "The inception made her laugh.", "Small black pupils suddenly became a contra to her dark brown irises.", etc. I'm sorry, but this story falls into a lot of issues the guide I linked above described. I'm sorry, but I really don't think this story can be salvaged.