Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25007690-20140531201101/@comment-24918243-20140531224848

It has potential, but if you really want to do a great pasta I would suggest you work on it a little more.

My main gripe is the opening sentence. I know you are trying to get some empathy going here. But suppose the person answers "No, I have no idea what you are talking about."-  Instant loss of interest.

Take the question out of the opening to guarantee to keep the interest of the people who are not familiar with the situation you are describing.

Good first attempt, keep working at it.