Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33531395-20180527223025/@comment-35711173-20180528060325

Last word, first paragraph. "stripped their breathe." ????

First line, second paragraph. "nearing the egde of their sanity" - note spelling of edge.

Last sentence, second paragraph ", or at least what was left in a mangled pile." Is this needed?

Fourth sentence, third paragraph. "passed stories about by word." Not sure what it means.

Fifth sentence, third paragraph. "the realm of make-belief." Should that be "the realm of make-believe?"

Last sentence, third paragraph. " they divised a plan to disprove everything that they believed." Two problems. "Divised?" Should it be "devised?" You also use they twice so I don't know what which they is referring to. Which they is it the first and which is it the second time?

Second sentence, fourth paragraph. "in there all lonesome." I do not understand what you mean here.

Third sentence, fourth paragraph. It sounds like all teens were believers and all adults weren't. Is that what you mean to say?

"Since the attack" - wow wasted opportunity here. You need to write the scene before the attack and after. You can't just leave it with nothing happening.

That's just what is most important for the first five paragraphs. I read it to the end and I have no idea what is going on.

I have no feel for where this is. A cave, a church, a beach, a field. I don't know the continent or country. I have no feel for the time of day.