Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26855964-20150806131545/@comment-28088262-20150806133515

Okay, let's start off with the positives:
 * The bit about the mannequin is quite creepy, even though it could have been executed better.
 * John eating rats is also unnerving.

Now these are my suggestions. Hope this helps. If you have any questions, please refer to the Creepypasta Wiki: Quality Standards, Creepypasta Wiki:Writing Advice or ask me or an administrator.
 * First of all, put ONE line between each paragraph, not two, and you MUST put a line between speech.
 * John eating rats is because of the war, but it has nothing to do with the overall plot which focuses on the mannequin. It's as if you've thrown in a load of creepy things into your story but not linked them in any way. If you want to put focus on the mannequin being creepy, then put less emphasis on the rats and worms, because you don't need several paragraphs describing what he's eating.
 * Alternatively, since the title of the pasta is 'Mental', I think it would be a good idea to hint that the dirty things he is eating is actually causing his hallucinations.
 * You NEED. MORE. PLOT. DEVELOPMENT. AND. DESCRIPTION. I cannot stress this enough. The pacing of your story is too fast - Day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4... then it's over. Build up to the ending. And vary your sentence lengths.
 * Describe and explain what the hell is going on. For example, ...when he suddenly noticed a hole. He walked to the edge. Where did the hole come out of? If it was his hallucination, you should state that. Holes don't just appear. And also, how did he react to this? Was he shocked, confused? What was he thinking when the voice told him to jump? You see how description builds up like this.
 * Have more instances of the mannequin's presence, because it is the scary thing you want to focus on. Have it appear behind him, perhaps in strange positions, or 'he swore its eyes weren't looking at him before' or something like that.
 * There are some awkward phrases and grammar issues you need to fix to get it up to QS. For instance, he jumped, and as falling - a better way to phrase this, I'm sure you'll know, could be 'he jumped, and as he was falling'. Only proof-reading will correct these errors.
 * All in all, proof-read your story, add more description and detail as well as the character's thoughts, re-format your story and think about how you can develop the plot and link things together.