Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31162258-20170224153146/@comment-24101790-20170224153749

Besides the grammatical issues (it's=it is, its=possession), the wording issues ("that which accompany is a desperate need to breath", "The sharp sting of a hunger and I thirst that will never me satisfied", "This whole time I've remained in tack", etc.), the capitalization issues ("the huge pain of Isolating loneliness"), etc. There are also story issues.

The plot really goes nowhere here and the lack of any background or characterization really weakens the story. The main question I think needs to be asked here is, "how is this story going to be scary to the audience?" If there's no real characterization, plot progression, or reason for the protagonist describing/experiencing this, it really results in a lot of issues for the overall story.