Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26268104-20160309211225/@comment-2240864-20160310002319

Your writing here is stiff and obtuse, like you're trying to overstate everything. It's just a style nitpick, and probably largely subjective on my end. You need to capitalize proper nouns, like Surface Pro 4.

In the other room, there is a small table for 2, along with a desk in the corner, which is where the router and the surface pro lie, along with a few other things.

Stuff like this is way too wordy. You've already told us the room was designed for two people, so there's no need to drill the fact that two people would have used the table.

 An empty bowl, a miniature trash can, and a water pump, which as of now, doesn’t work.

This should have been attached to the previous sentence with a colon. This, by itself is more of a sentence fragment than anything else.

Upon logging on, you’ll be greeted with the desktop.

As opposed to all those haunted laptops with livestreams of hell?

 Looking through the account history reveals that before then, the desktop background was a screenshot from a video game called “Minecraft.”

That's not how that works.

Within this file, there are numerous notable programs, including one called “GIMP.”

However only one is of note.

Also, computer programs don't need to be put in quotation marks.

'' This file is a text file. A PDF, to be exact.

Again, nitpicking, but PDFs are usually geared toward more multimedia applications of text formatting and are generally not assumed to be just a "text document" as, say, a .TXT or .DOC file would be.

Also, Skype logs would not be in PDF format.

The video begins with an unidentified man shoving a boy with spiked hair and thick-rimmed glasses being shoved into the wall.

This sentence has too many uses of the same person being shoved and is utterly confusing to read.

Also, who are these people? There's no context for this last part. It makes absolutely no sense.

Overall, a rather confusing and generic "found whatever" story. You never give any context as to where on Earth this is located, any backstory or anything about the main characters that would make the reader care if anything happened to them. The plot goes from computer found > chat log > videos > ??? end. There's no build-up to the "climax" and it's over before it ever gets off the ground.

All in all I would say flesh out this concept if anything. As it stands, I would definitely not recommend this story to anyone, nor would I read it again due to its impossible pacing, lack of context, and general go-nowhere plot.