Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26466555-20150607220808/@comment-26475800-20150611013943

I agree with MrDupin. This story could have potential if it were longer. The plot is missing something. It needs to have something stronger happening in it or at least make me care about the people its happening to. In my opinion you had spent more time telling us unneeded data that could have been used building the characters and story. Such as the part where he is eating his sandwich. Most everything could be cut out of that paragraph. The only important piece was that he made a call to his wife and put the phone away, which may have been better if away was made known as in his pocket. I was a little confused at the end because the phone was on the desk and maybe away meant in the desk draw. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to. I hope to see more from you and will enjoy reading your next story.