Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24161647-20140819165807

i wrote a story and i want some opinions (based on the opinions the thing might upload or not) The Demon of the Dark =MADE BY CAPTAIN JACK DOGEBLADE = 

 Alan took his medication pills. On the shiny orange bottle it said “clozamine”. He had been taking these pills for so long he doesn’t even know how long has he been taking them. He put the cap on the bottle and stood there for a while skeptic -Why is this happening to me? - . Suddenly the phone rang startling Alan. It was his friend George

 from High School. He wanted to catch up with Alan

 like old times. Alan agreed happily. George was going to visit him in 2 days. Alan’s joy was disrupted by a strange noise coming from the kitchen. Alan thought - Not again – and he passed out. Alan’s schizophrenia consists of him passing out randomly and seeing hallucinations of a demon like creature haunting him all day.

 Alan is struggling with his “state” these days.

 Alan woke up again next to the phone on the exact same spot where he passed out. Alan screamed – GET OUT OF MY HEAD! - . This resulted in Alan passing out again. But this time he was in a giant forest. Not knowing where to go Alan followed the cobbled path to a small house. The house was on fire and Alan heard screams. The door burst open and a little girl run out screaming approaching Alan. Seconds before meeting face to face with the girl Alan woke up. He turned to see the clock on his wall. The time was 2:56 am. Alan was passed out for nearly 7 hours. September the 27th 2014. Alan couldn’t sleep. Instead he went to a 24/7 market to buy some groceries. Then he went to the park to smoke. The doctor said not to smoke but he couldn’t help it. Alan was smoking while he was glaring at the night sky. It brought him back many memories of his childhood his family and all of his friends. His mother died in  a car accident. His father abandoned him  . His brother suicided after being bullied on high school. After that he was all alone. He cut out from his friends and that call from George was an opportunity for him to make a new life. He didn’t even realize it had gone 7:13 am when he stood up. The Sun was rising in a magnificent ray of bright white light. As he was returning home he noticed something on the door. It seemed like a thief had broken into his apartment . Alan rushed into his apartment. It seemed like nothing was touched. Alan was confused. But then the floor collapsed and Alan fell into a hole that seemed to stretch on infinitely.

 He finally landed in a sea of blood and he heard screams of agony and despair ring his ears. Then an image flashed of him with someone that was dead on his feet. Alan woke up from that nightmare  feeling dizzy and heavy.

 He made his way to his couch and dozed off there.

 It was 15:30 pm. Alan for the first time felt somewhat relaxed. He was shocked by that.

 He prepared lunch and then went to the nearby

 bar to sit. He ordered beer and sat on the chair.

 He got a call from his friend George. He wanted to

 Surprise Alan by coming on day earlier but his flight was cancelled as he was living in Australia.

 He is going to come on September 28th 2014 on 16:00 pm. Alan sighed sadly then he said goodbye to his friend and hung up. After finishing his beer Alan went back to his apartment. It was 19:00 pm and Alan was exhausted. He ate lunch quickly and went to bed on 20:00 pm. But another “incident” was awaiting Alan. Alan found himself in an abandoned factory Surrounded by a forest. He ventured into the factory only to find decapitated, hung and rotten corpses and on the walls there were strange markings and sentences which made no sense whatsoever. He saw a dim light coming from a door. There were 3 men shouting meaningless things and a woman in the middle tied. Suddenly the woman burst on fire and started screaming until she died. The 3 men turned to stare Alan as he was watching what happened. The 3 men rushed to Alan extremely fast. Alan woke up violently and was shaken. He noticed a wound in his left arm. He remember that before he woke up he fell down and hit his left arm. But how was that possible? There

 Was no way that dreams would be real. But it felt

<p class="MsoNormal"> Real. Alan was puzzled by that. It was 4:00 am September 28th 2014. Alan again couldn’t sleep. He took his pill. He was supposed to take it once every 2 days. The fact that his friend George was coming that day made him happier. He hasn’t had any communications with other people except with his neighbors. <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">The time was 13:00 pm. Alan had gone shopping and went to buy groceries. Surprisingly enough  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;">  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">he didn’t even see that creature. The time was 16:05 pm. George hadn’t

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">Arrived yet. Alan was anxious. But finally at 16:20 pm George rang. Alan was in huge joy. He opened up and welcomed his friend. They sat down in the <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">Living room and talked about their lives at that point. Then while they were talking the creature appeared behind George and put his giant nails on George’s neck. Alan grabbed a nearby knife he put to cut the cake George brought and shouted –LOOK OUT – and tried to stab the creatures hand in order to leave George alone. But in Georges view there was nothing there. In result Alan stabbed George’s neck and George’s neck started gushing out huge amounts of blood. Alan tried to stop the bleeding but to no avail. Georges lied dead and on top of him there was Alan. Then Alan remembered the dream he saw and started screaming out of agony. He rushed to his neighbors house and banged the door intensely. <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white; mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">His neighbors wife opened the door to see Alan full of blood and with a knife in his hands. <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white; mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">She immediately shut the door and called the police. The police arrested Alan and they sent him to an insane asylum for schizophrenia. They had him tied to a bed and Alan was babbling about the creature and how it is not safe for him to be here when suddenly a noise was heard from the storage room. 3 security guards went there to check it out <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language: EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">. What they saw was a winged creature a demon <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language: EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">Black as night haggled in the corner of the wall. It  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language: EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">Stood up and faced the security guards with its <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language: EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">Flashing red eyes. As Alan was screaming and shouting to get out of the asylum he heard a whisper in his head – <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">missed me? <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 20.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:white;mso-themecolor:background1; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EL">  <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;color:white;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0cm;">– <span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:white;mso-themecolor:background1;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language: EL">

<p class="MsoNormal"> CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:20.0pt;line-height: 115%;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">  <ac_metadata title="Story under development"> </ac_metadata>