Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26007602-20150201230613/@comment-25907694-20150202172015

So I’m just including my thoughts as I’m reading.

In the first paragraph, you could do without including ‘this’, right before the quotes.

I don’t find the sentence, “the sun went out yesterday” particularly wrong, however, you could always change it into something different. I can’t explain it really, but, there are probably better transitional phrases for that part in the story. For example, something like, “ I woke up yesterday without the familiar light blinding my face. I then noticed that it wasn’t there.” That was somewhat poor actually, but better phrases could be used. It’s kind of sudden, I don’t know.

Also, the next paragraph, the transition from the first two sentences is kind of weak. I was reading and when I read these specific two lines it broke my concentration to the story.

I really like the idea of the ground being flesh, pretty creepy crap. You should describe the sound your feet make on the flesh. That would add extra creepiness, I think.

The sentence, “Who they were formerly, I have no idea” seems out of place.

“their stares were profound and even if I looked away, I felt some sort of disturbed sadness..”   - im thinking of sentences to add

You could think of something to add to “God, I hated that.”

“But purgatory would have a reason for being right?”  -  could be changed to “at least purgatory had a reason for being right. ( Not that I believe in that sort of stuff”. I added the sentence in the parentheses as an extra thing you could choose to add. So far I like this story. Unless that question mark was a typo or you didn’t mean to add it there.

“Yes I still go to school...”  -  you could have added this earlier? Upon the first mention of the school routine, I think.

“waving its noose” could be misinterpreted. Unless it’s supposed to be its thing.

Also, is the ground that’s flesh red or what color is it? Gray right?

How does he get lunch, if everyone are drones (unless it’s revealed later)?

“Look, I knew this thing was hostile”. -  this could do away with ‘look’

So far, it’s pretty darn good. I like the, the morbid, depressing, dark tone this story has. It’s not all those qualities, maybe specifically I mean, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. The dialogue the character has to  himself really adds reality to the mix, and yeah.

“The Burned made a great antithesis to The Hanger…”  -  the word, antithesis, might not be the most appropriate word for this. I think.

<p class="MsoNormal">So far it reminds of The Binding of Isaac. The descriptions are pretty good in the story.

<p class="MsoNormal">“…save for a small puddle that formed beneath it. I don’t want to think about why that was there.”   -  This sentence, it’s sort of different. Before he wouldn’t hesitate to describe the gore and disturbing stuff he saw. Or maybe this is something leading to something.

<p class="MsoNormal">“My knife on the other hand”   -   comma after ‘knife’ and then after ‘hand’

<p class="MsoNormal">Maybe you could include if the thing’s hands felt cold or warm.

<p class="MsoNormal">“But holy shit, is it lonely” -  This might not need the comma.

<p class="MsoNormal">“(Or to your face if they’re feeling particularly brave)”  -   You could replace brave with ‘asshole-y’ or a word that is a synonym for mean. I feel like that would be fitting of this person’s character. Prior to this paragraph, I thought the main character was a guy.

<p class="MsoNormal">“She talks slowly, as if she’s constantly computing…” -  talks should be talked

<p class="MsoNormal">“I made an attempt to befriend her”  -  isn’t this supposed to be, “be friends with her”. ? Just some typo you had perhaps.

<p class="MsoNormal">“The sun still burns bright, bleach white”  -  Thought the sun was a ball of gray, unless I missed something. Could’ve changed.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dialogue between Carmen and the main girl was good, but you could describe what is happening in between a bit more?

<p class="MsoNormal">The only fallacy I’m finding, is how the girl ever figured out that she had to continue her daily routine in order for the drones to stare at her.

<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t really understand this ending, would you care to elaborate a bit? I’m not understanding the mention of the word, Sloth.

<p class="MsoNormal">Also:

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh, they’re not punishments. Oh? What would you call them?”  -  I’m sure that these sentences are supposed to be split.

<p class="MsoNormal">There are no quotation marks to signify dialogue also.

<p class="MsoNormal">Right at the end, it’s also somewhat confusing, the meaning of the word, Justification. Unless, it means that he thinks of them as beings of justice, brought into the world for the intention of clearing evil, or humans.

<p class="MsoNormal">Overall, I liked the story, the plot was pretty cool. The girl was a nice character. Anyway, those are my thoughts. A long review (sort of) to a long story.