Imprisoned

Depression is like a black fog clouding your mind. It places itself in your head and dwells there for as long as it pleases. It grows until your own thoughts can’t move through the thick mass so you become empty and you are rendered helpless at its mercy. It constantly whispers discouraging words into your ear until you start to believe them. Eventually, you stop fighting and you submit to it.

I isolated myself from my friends and family. I was deeply troubled but I kept to myself for fear of being a bother. My parents were constantly worried about me because I wouldn’t ever leave the house, even to visit or answer their calls. My girlfriend left me because I didn’t spend any time with her. I would stay in my room all day and wouldn’t leave my bed.

My parents urged me to seek help and  I started to see a psychiatrist. Dr. Miller prescribed me an antidepressant. I wasn’t overwhelmingly hopeful, but I was willing to try anything. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I hadn’t been happy for so long I’d forgotten what it felt like.

After several weeks on the medication without any change, I stopped taking it. Dr. Miller said it would take a while to start showing effect, but I didn’t want to wait. I wondered  if anything would help me. Maybe I would feel this way forever.

I needed to rest. I had to go away to clear my head, just for a short while. My father had a cabin the woods he had given me a pair of keys to last Christmas. I’d heard nature could be used to treat depression. It was deep in the forest, far away from everyone else. I packed my bag and left my cell phone behind. I planned to return in a few days so I didn’t think anyone would miss me terribly.

The cabin was nestled deep in the woods. Wooden panels made up its exterior and its windows were covered in dust. Trees towered over the roof and the garden overflowed with greenery.

The inside of the house was quaint; decorated with shabby furniture and various knick-knacks. It smelt of soup and the floorboards creaked as I walked on them. The backyard had a small shed I used to keep my bicycle in and I placed all of my other belongings inside the bedroom.

For the first week, I shut myself in the bedroom as I was accustomed to. I immersed myself in solitude. I slept all the time and went for days without eating. Eventually, I stopped keeping track of time. I hadn’t spoken with anyone in a long time. The electricity stopped working and I turned on the television only to see static.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">My condition worsened. I fell deeper and deeper into depression. Each day brought on more pain. And this time, I was all alone.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">All of a sudden, I was unable to sleep. I was constantly in a period of restlessness, and every time I looked out the window, the sky was dark. It seemed as though it was always nighttime. I thought I must have been going insane from not leaving the house. I stepped outside, and to my surprise, something even more mysterious waited for me out there.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">The house was surrounded by prison bars. I didn’t believe my eyes at first. I blinked, expecting for them to disappear, but the bars remained, standing taller than the roof. I tentatively approached the bars and reached out my hand to touch them.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">I mustered all of my strength and tried pulling them apart, but to no avail. Gripping the bars tightly, I grunted in frustration. I couldn’t find a way of escape even after encircling the entire area.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“Is anyone out there?!” I yelled out. “Someone? Anyone?”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">The sky remained dark and the prison bars still stood. I didn’t know how long it had been but I realized I had stayed here for much longer than I had intended. I wondered if anyone would ever come find me, if they were even searching for me.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">I began to hear a voice in my head. It was deep and garbled, but I could conclude it belonged to a male. I tried to ignore it, but it only became more persistent. It only ever said one thing: “End it.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">The boredom became so overwhelming I resorted to banging my head against the walls. My nails had grown long and I used them to scratch at the walls until the paint was peeling off. Bugs began to crawl out from beneath the floorboards and feed on the moldy food I hadn’t touched. The house was filled with a repulsive smell, like that of a rotting carcass and dark red blood would ooze from the ceiling.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">It felt like I had been there forever, and I didn’t know how long I would remain there. The thought of this continuing on for an eternity was too much for me to bear. I burst into a <span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman","serif"">paroxysm of sobbing and I collapsed onto the floor. Tears streamed down my face and I cried out in despair.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“Please, someone help me,” I begged between sobs, an agonized desperation in my voice. “Please, someone, anyone. I can’t take this anymore.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">My vision became clouded by my tears. A group of shapes suddenly appeared in front of me and I blinked away the tears to identify them. Standing before was my mother, my father,  my brother and sister, my former girlfriend, and Dr. Miller.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">I had never felt such a rapturous relief. I reached out to my mother like a small child. I wanted to feel her warm embrace. She didn’t reach back. She just stood there.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“How did you find me?” I asked, an expression of bewilderment formed on tear-stained face.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“Why did you leave me?” she asked expectantly, ignoring my question.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go home. Please take me home,” I cried.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“You can’t go home,” she said flatly. My heart sank into my stomach at the sound of those unexpected words. She stared at me with cold, unsympathetic eyes.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">“Why?!” I cried.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif""> “It’s too late,” she said, looking down at me with judgmental eyes. She shifted her gaze. Her arm slowly raised and her finger extended forward.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">I followed the direction of her pointing with my eyes. Hesitantly, I approached the beginning of the staircase and slowly began to make my way up, gripping the railing tightly to keep from falling. My heart raced and my body shook from fear. My knees felt weak and I thought I might faint. With each step, the smell of the rotting carcass intensified, inducing an overpowering sense of nausea.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">The smell was so strong at the top of the staircase, it took all of my strength to keep myself from retching. Tentatively, I walked through the hallway, afraid of was waiting for me. I reached the bedroom at the end of the hall and opened the door.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "TimesNewRoman","serif"">I cried out in horror at the sight before me. Hanging from a ceiling fan was my limp, lifeless body.