Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26809749-20161012190945/@comment-24101790-20161012194255

Colinds wrote: Any advice on how to improve this?

When I originally marked it, I pointed out the numerous punctuation, capitalization, wording, and plot issues. My first move in your shoes would be to carefully review your story before posting it.

Punctuation: A majority of your dialogue is missing proper punctuation. ""What's that smell(?)" I say to myself", "It responds "Because it's fun(period missing)"", "This feels like my zippo that I had back in my apartment(punctuation missing)", etc.

Punctuation cont.: You also tend to forget to properly use commas/colons before dialogue. "I panicked and said out loud "Hello, is someone there"", "sounding voice echo's(comma missing) "Does that belong to you!?"", "I jump from how sudden that was, and scream back "Why are you doing this to me!?"", etc. If you need further examples for how to do this, I would advise reading some stories/novels and seeing how dialogue is handled for reference.

Capitalization: Starting with the basics, your original post was improperly titled. "The unknown darkness" should be properly capitalized to: "The Unknown Darkness". Moving on to present issues. "rattle (Rattle), rattle, rattle", "I feel around for something to help get myself up,(.) It (or "it") feels almost like a box or a crate", as Zippo is a brand and falls into proper noun territory, it should be properly capitalized ("This feels like my zippo that I had back in my apartment"), "I look in the mirror to see if that dream really happened, No marks, cuts, or bruises anywhere.", etc..

Wording: "A booming and old sounding voice echo's (echoes)". You also have some tensing issues where you switch from present tense ("I wake up on a cold dark floor, or at least that's what I'm assuming it is.") to past tense (""How did I get here?" I thought to myself.") and back again (""What's that smell" I say to myself, as it smells pungent, disgusting, and especially nauseating.") and then back to past tense ("The next thing I knew I heard a noise"). You should be consistent with telling a story.

Plot: While a story leaving the conclusion up to the reader, some breadcrumbs of plot need to be left to tell that story effectively. This story really doesn't do that. The protagonist is abducted and is taunted with a rattle before being transported back home with the rattle being left behind. While you don't have to explicitly give the kidnapper's intentions, you do have to go through a little more than just reasoning "because it's fun" as it seems like a convoluted way to have fun and seems to be a line straight from "The Strangers". I'm trying to imagine someone setting up this elaborate thing, but it's falling apart without any development/explanation.

Plot issues cont.: Some of the descriptions also tend to be a bit generic. "The next noise I hear still rings in my head till today, a (an) evil and maniacal laugh, it seems to echo from everywhere around me." Describing a laugh as evil/maniacal is a bit vague as what exactly does something evil sound like. Is it low pitched and rumbling like thunder or is it high-pitched and grating like nails on a chalk board? It could be either of those things so it's necessary to be more descriptive to paint a better picture.

Plot issues cont.: The ending feels a bit weak. "I look down at my dresser and there on top of it was the rattle." I know you're implying that the dream really did happen but it still feels anti-climactic due to the fact that the trope of a protagonist having a dream that turns out to likely be real has been covered a few times before so re-hashing it in another story where the main character wakes up in a strange place where creepy things happen really doesn't seem effective. It seems like you could take it further than this, but are instead leaving it at the overused 'it wasn't a dream after all' ending.

It almost feels unfinished as the title doesn't really feel indicative of the story. The protagonist wakes up and fades into darkness at the end, but more emphasis seems to be placed on the environment and the rattle. I'm sorry, but this story needs quite a bit of work here and the fact that stories like this have been covered a few times before really doesn't help out the plot much.