Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37336038-20181101050107/@comment-36627132-20181101054510

First off,  you should finish a story before posting it even if it is just on the Writer's Workshop. Because there is not much of the story yet I am going to step out of my usual review format.

The story should be broken into paragraphs instead of small walls of text. Like your previous posts, this story is missing commas and periods in a few places.

The narrator doesn't sound anything like a real detective. He sounds more like a kid trying to tell his friends a story. Why not have the detective narrate events as they are happening?

The character was already a Jeff knock-off to begin with, you just made it worse by calling him Tom the Killer. The detective says that the name is the only similarity that he has with Jeff, which is obviously not true.

Why would they be called the modern Romeo and Juliet if their love isn't forbidden? I'm assuming it is just there for foreshadowing but even that is a huge stretch.

You still included references to Jeff the Killer (and therefore Creepypasta) and Wes Craven. In my opinion pop-culture references ruin Creepypastas unless they are absolutely necessary.

It would be more fitting if the narrator was the one who recieved the call rather than his partner. A police officer would have been the one to shoot the suspect, not the detective who realistically would not have been called until after the arrest.

If I were you I would just give up the Thomas story and work on something else. This site keeps its standards high when it comes to murderers, and ones that feel like Jeff such as this one, usually get deleted.