Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25418458-20140914200850/@comment-25226524-20140915004719

I'm assuming this is just a paragraph from a larger story since you said "unrevised climax." Just judging this paragraph alone, it's not bad at all. You used the right amount of tension and description, and your wording was pretty well done. There's a few technical issues that you would probably catch if you read it over, but I'll point them out:

"... reached for my back wanting more of my red fluid." (you may want to change that to something other than "red fluid" just for creativity's sake, but it's not bad)

"It's neck twitched to the right side (as) it's tongue..." (this is more just a personal opinion than an actual issue)

"(A)s we got further..."

I would remove the comma after "gargled scream" but that's just me, not sure if it's actually incorrect.

Lifeless is one word.

If the rest of the story matches this, I think you may have a decent story. Be sure to post it here in the workshop when you're done. Keep up the good work.