Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25019793-20150714232127/@comment-24101790-20150714234333

Formatting issues: dialogue should be spaced out so two speakers are never talking on the same paragraph (as it can complicate who is saying what.)

Wording issues: redundancies: "There once was a girl. She was a beautiful girl,", "Though he was a monster, he seemed very nice, a good monster if you will.", "she would never be able to find another monster who would love her and care for her like this monster had,", "Eventually, she became accustomed to it, accustomed to her friend’s abuse.". Avoid repetition of words and change it up some. (You use 'girl' and 'monster' 10 + times. Considering your story is just under 30 sentences, this is quite noticeable.

Punctuation issues: commas missing before dialogue and punctuation missing from quotations: "shouted(comma missing) “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me!(?)” “I do love you(comma missing)” was his reply," “But you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me(comma missing)” she said. “I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t mean it. I promise it won’t happen again.” And sadly, she believed him." Also words that directly impact on one another should be hyphenated. "self (-) worth"

Story issues: this feel like the cliff notes or a premise as opposed to a story. This really needs to be fleshed out more and told actively as opposed to passively.

You also mention a number of lines which need some fleshing out. "she could smell a foul stench emanating from his mouth." Without any bearing, this line comes off as odd. Why is his bad breath pertinent to the story? This really needs a lot more fleshing out and the fairy tale style ("There once was a...") really doesn't play to the story's strengths considering there's little background to either the girl or the monster.