Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30600352-20161125233635/@comment-27905100-20161126084601

OH BUD IT'S TIME!

When me and my friend (My friend and I) was (Were) playing on a gaming website, called roblox, we came across something unusual. there(First letter of every sentence is capitalized) was this anonymous person. So me and my friend (My friend and I) searched through the whole map, but we couldn't find the player. (This period messes up the flow of the story. A comma would work better here) even (First letter of every sentence capitalized)though there were other players on there talking, we found this weird. (Take out 'we found this weird'. It messes up the flow of the story.) so (Capitalize the first letter of every sentence) we thought it was a glitch. (A comma would work better here.) Until the glitch started talking to us.

Because it was an obby (obstacle course) (I guess this works, but please just call it an obstacle course.) the person started saying that the game we are playing now, is real is real (Too many 'is real's) life. i (Capitalize your I's and the first letter of every sentence.) have the exact words.

(Due to the fact that you say what he says just below this paragraph, omit the entire paragraph, unless you absolutely need it)

"Who wants to play a game?"

i (Capitalize your I's and the first letter of every sentence) said that we were already playing a game. I really didn't know anything about this person. nobody (Capitalize the first letter of every sentence) really did. (A comma would work better here) so i(Capitalize your I's.) asked him what the game was, slightly curious about what he had to say.

"Anybody who dies in this obby in the game ('in the game' is redundant), dies in real life"

we (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) thought it was some internet troll, (A comma shouldn't be there.) trying to scare the shit out of us. (A comma should be here instead of a period.) So one of the players told him to leave the server or he would report him. i (I & first letter of each sentence are both capitalized) really didn't know what happened but right after that, he disconnected. (A comma should go here, not a period) which in a way was weird because, (There should be no comma there) he didn't want to leave. The player asked him to go away, but for some weird reason, he disconnects. (This last sentence feels useless and makes no sense. Take it out.)

"Anybody else wants (want, not wants) to complain?"

we (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) didn't know what to do, (This should be a period) i (I is capitalized) alt tabbed out of the server and i (I is capitalized) called the police on my phone, but my phone wasn't working properly. it (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) was in a static kind of thing. i (I is capitalized) didn't even know phones did that. (If you were born in the early to mid 2000's, you should know phones do that)  i(I is capitalized) went back into the game and i(I is capitalized) told everyone that we should leave the server, so one by one we left, until there was 5 (For some reason, it's better to type numbers as words, so this would be 'five', not '5') of us. i (I & first letter of sentence are both capitalized) ('was' should go here) slightly scared because i (I is capitalized) didn't know what would happen if i (I is capitalized) didn't play the obby, and it ('and it' implies that he believes it's someone trying to scare them. Use something else there.) was probably someone trying to scare us. so (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) me and the rest of the 4 ('four')players (This should be 'the other four players and I') decided that we should play the obby and see for ourselves what would happen if we did that. I went first. Then my friend, then the other 3 (three) people. usually (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) when players die in an obby we would make that ugh sound. (This should be a comma) but (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) when one of the players died, i(I is capitalized) heard a scream in my headphones. AN ACTUAL SCREAM. (Oh noes, someone has mild to moderate hacking skills and an mp3 file...) i(I & first letter) didn't know what to do. i (First letter & I)thought what if all this that was happening was real (Two things: First: thoughts should be put inside single quotes ('these') or italicized. Second: 'that was' in that sentence is unnecessary). i(I is always capitalized) kept going and hoping that game didn't glitch. whoever (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) was doing this, (No comma) was some kind of murderer on the internet. as (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) i (I is capitalized) kept going(There should be a period here) the rest of us were scared. i (I is capitalized) could tell. until (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) my friend died. i (I & first letter are capitalized) heard his scream. (Take out the period here) in (First letter is always capitalized) my headphones. it (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) sounded just like him. i (I & first letter are capitalized) was crying,(A period should go here) i (I is capitalized) didn't want this to be real but there was nothing i(I is capitalized) can (The tense shouldn't change here. Use 'could' instead) do. i (I is capitalized) kept going (I would change this to 'but keep going' instead of '. I kept going.). i(I is capitalized) couldn't move properly because my hands were shaking. there (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) were only the two of us left. The rest of the players in the game are dead. when they disconnect, they are dead(Take out this sentence. Your collective audience doesn't have the brains of a chicken.). i (I & first letter) didn't want this. there (First letter of every sentence should be capitalized) were only 10 more levels still (Take out either 'still' or 'only' here, as they contradict each other) and i (I is capitalized) haven't (This should be hadn't, as haven't is a tense change) died yet. the (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) other player was still with me. i (I & first letter are capitalized) told him that if he died'''This sentence makes no sense. Take it out, or swap out the period for a comma). don't die screaming. when (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) there was (this should be 'were', as 'was' is singular, and 'were' is plural) 5 ('five') more levels left, i (I is capitalized) told him we were nearly there, until he landed on something. it (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) was one of those landmine things. (This should be a comma) if you stand on one, you cannot get off. There was nothing we could do about this. he (First letter of every sentence is capitalized) told me goodbye, and jumped off. i (I & first letter are always capitalized) heard his piercing scream. Then there was one (What?). i (I is capitalized) asked him why he was doing this. he (The first letter of every sentence is capitalized.) didn't answer. so(The first letter of every single sentence is always, no matter what, capitalized) this is what i (I is always, no matter what, capitalized)''' said.

"what (First letter) would happen if i (I) leave?"

"you (First letter) will die Harrison(.)"

(I'm assuming the protagonist is harrison? Name people. Call the anonymous user 'anonymous' or something.)

"what (First letter) would happen if i (I) win?"

"you'll (First letter) die anyway"

so(First letter) i(I) did something i(I) regretted. i(I and first letter) left the server. everything (First letter) was dark. my (First letter) computer shut down everything. i (I & First letter) heard whispering behind me. i (I & First letter) turned around and there was nothing there. i (I & first letter) go to sleep with nightmares of this dark shadowy figure. I don't know how i(I) am still alive, but there's one thing i(I) know. He's coming for me.