Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160605121157/@comment-24101790-20160607020101

Here's the main problem I can see with the story. It's been covered quite a bit. There are a lot of stories addressing the topic of home invasion. From I Told You to Smile, to Rising Fusion's idea as well as a few others that involve the twist of the killer/psychopath being in the house all along (one involved setting up a camera and catching him sneaking back to his hiding place under the bed). While yours is told very competently and without a lot of flaws, it does get weighed down by the predictability of the story.

"Police came to assess the situation and all they done (did) was make me feel like an idiot, patronizing me for not locking the door." I'm also not sure if patronizing is the word you're looking for ("to treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority.") It seems more like they're chastising him than patronizing him based on context clues.

There are also a few scenes which raises some questions. So the protagonist is searching their house for items after the break-in ("I was freaked out, and nearly trashed my house trying to find out if anything was missing, to find if this mysterious intruder had stolen any of my belongings.") and he has the police/forensics come over to file a report. It seems odd that both wouldn't really turn up any signs that the guy hasn't left the house (He left muddy footprints from the entrance to the bed, it seems odd that no one would note that the footprints don't show him exiting. (It seems like that'd be something that needs to be explained, like they dried out or that the mud crumbled off and the trail went cold.)

The ending also poses some questions: "If only my door had a switch to unlock the deadbolt, like most of the modern locks, and I would have been free. But… I have an old lock on my door." All of this is being told in past tense. The protagonist is being chased by a guy with a driver when we last see them, so it feels premature that you'd end it on that note given that the story is told in past tense and it seems like the protagonist is stuck in the house with a person who intends him harm.

To be honest, this feels like a pretty safe premise that really doesn't go beyond its tried-and-true premise. If it were posted, I'd likely be on the fence about the story and need feedback from another admin. It's not poorly written in any way, but it really doesn't take any risks or try anything that goes beyond its trope.