Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25481232-20141002212206/@comment-5619531-20141002222942

The first paragraph has punctuation errors; you use commas inappropriately where there should be periods/semicolons. Skimming through the second paragraph, I feel that you're going to make the same mistake over and over again—I suggest that you go through your work with an English teacher on this and see what errors are you making, punctually and grammatically (you use words like just when they're not really needed in the description; just say it, don't drag it on).

I'm going to ask you one question: can you tell from a body if it was a same killer because the body went through severe torture? It's too vague for you to use that, especially if it's one of the starting paragraphs. It could happen in a cult, but saying off the bat "Oh, it's the same killer that committed those murders because the bodies suffered severe torture," is unrealistic and unpredictable unless if the person is the killer. And I bet a lot of money that you don't intend on the news reporter saying that to be the serial killer.

Unlocked cabins, to me, are a cliché in horror movies, and can be bad when you use them.

I don't think police officers would allow you to interfere with a questioning, especially if the person is in tears. They would ask you to wait outside or go back to your cabin, then they'll come and ask you questions about your whereabouts. I don't know if that'll happen, but it'll be better to include that.

The journal entries uses the serial killer tactic that is already a cliché as is. It uses descriptive violence as a scare tactic, and no one wants to read that stuff. Second, you need more paragraph space between August 30th and the side commentary from it. It can be very confusing that people will treat the commentary as part of the journal. Think of it as you are hearing a story reading on YouTube—you'll get confused if the commentary is part of the story or not.

One last thing, it seems unfinished, or leaves you with a question "What's next?" I think you should add more to the ending than a journal reading.

Other than that, the whole story is about a killer. Stories like this are heavily criticised on this wiki, and you have to be a talented writer to pull off a good serial killer story without clichés. I think you need to delve more work and time on this.