Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27998383-20170228223550/@comment-27905100-20170302000818

Um...

I'm sorry, but this is not up to Quality Standards. There are numerous mechanical issues which I'm gonna gloss over because they aren't super important.

So, as for the story issues, this is not exactly the worst, but it is not good. It is one small incident with no payoff, and at the end, you just dismiss all of the story with a note. This is not something people are going to think was a good use of their time.

[http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Derpyspaghetti/Prose! I wrote something on what I'm about to talk about a little while ago, and I think it might help and I'm also lazy and don't want to write much here]

So, your wording and choices is a huge issue. You speak in what seems like an incredibly dry, and bland monotone, without letting the reader in on any details. For example, you say you masturbated in bed. Okay, what was that like? Were the sheets hot and sweaty and clinging to your skin like dew does to the grass in the morning ? Did your phone have sexy pictures of a special male princess? (horrible example, but you get my point).

Anyway, something else I was going to say: your story at this point feels more like a plot plan than anything. The description would help, as well as lengthening out a lot of the scenes, but at its current stage, it's just not ready yet.

Hope this helped, and good luck with your writing! Sorry if I was harsh, but I'm trying to point out all the flaws now so you don't need to worry about them in your writing later.