Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20170526035552/@comment-30891328-20170616150021

ChristianWallis wrote: I'm not sure if I should tell this story. I mean, I think people won't believe me, since it's been a long time and I no longer have any proof. But I feel that for the safety of others I should talk about my little experience.

' [This is a clichéd opener. A vital rule to remember is this; “make every word count”. Everything you write should advance the plot, develop character, add to the mood and atmosphere, or establish themes and a setting. The whole “you won’t believe me” is an overplayed technique that’s not very popular at the moment precisely because it’s so over used. That doesn’t mean no one can use it, it’s just that unless it’s absolutely essential, it’s not a good place to start a story because it’s no longer attention grabbing or interesting. Also, look at word choice. “Little experience”? That doesn’t exactly get the blood pumping for any prospective readers.” '

 It was October 8th 2007 '[detail sometimes helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. You should ask, “is this how someone would speak?” or would they instead say something like “it was autumn/fall” or “it was early October 2007, or “it was just before Halloween 2007”. People don’t usually give dates unless there’s a good reason to.]', the time of year stores were selling candy, costumes, and materials for those who wanted to make people pee their pants with horror. I had bought a kid's costume for the creature [killer] from the movie Scream, [full stop] I was a small kid back then. Now, back then '[then. Now, back then… see how that string of words might be a bit confusing?]' I lived in a farmhouse just a few miles outside of town with my parents, and we had a forest behind our home. I was in the living room playing with my Nintendo DS when I heard a sound coming from outside. I looked out the kitchen window and saw a tall figure in a raggedy robe like the one that was for my Scream costume, except it was white. Then being the nine year old I was I did something stupid. I knocked on the window and the thing slowly turned to me, and I saw its face. It had a pale white face, like the way anyone's would look if you were really, really sick. Not just that, it had bruises and scars literally all over that face that will forever haunt me [you frequently repeat the word ‘face’ only a few words apart]. I screamed like the little kid I was and ran to my parent's room. I quickly turned on the light and, annoyed '[ah, this is a bit complex but the subject of this sentence is the narrator because it starts with ‘I’ so when you insert the word ‘annoyed’ like you do here it technically applies to the narrator. You need to reword this sentence]', they reminded me that Dad had to get up early the next day. I told them about the figure and dragged them like heavy sacks to the window where I saw it. You'd maybe expect it to be gone, but it was still there. However, when I pointed to where it was standing, they said, [new speaker new line, then again you can probably get away with something like “they said they didn’t see anything” and skip direct dialogue altogether] "I don't see anything," with confused looks. They probably thought I was either paranoid or going crazy so they let me sleep in their room for the night. They're the type of parents who think they can do anything to help people they're worried about. I didn't get a second of sleep after that.

 The next time I saw that thing was July 12th 2012 [remember what I said about dates]. We moved out of state a year ago '[a year ago when? When you’re writing? A year ago today?] 'and came back for the summer. I had forgotten about the figure I saw in 2007 [really?] until the night we stayed with our friends that moved into our old place. My parents, our friends, and I were hanging out in the living room when I decided to get some fresh air. I walked into the backyard, and that's when I saw it! The... thing. [this is a little too ambiguous] It was standing at the edge of the forest, staring at me. It had hate all over its face, like I had just stole [stolen] something special from it, and it growled at me. I immediately flashed back on [to] the 2007 incident and ran back inside as fast as lightning. Everyone in the room suddenly looked up at me. My mom asked me what happened and I didn't know what to tell her. Since I'm allergic to cats I told her that a stray one walked up to me.

 The thing is now haunting me in my dreams. The only one I can remember shows me standing in a dark, narrow hallway, with the only source of light being a bulb shining and flickering over me. Then I can hear running footsteps coming down the hallway. Suddenly, the thing pops out of nowhere and I can always see his [you’ve called it ‘it’ the entire time but now you switch to ‘his’] sharp claws, reaching for me. But the only thing I can remember before waking up is that face filled with hate.

 I... I... I didn't know what to do so I'm typing this and am about to post this story. I have two theories about what he wants: Either he, or it, marked the house for some kind of haunting, because I only saw it at that farmhouse; or it marked me, because only I could see it. My parents probably think I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy! Am I?

-

Right so typically when I review a story I break it down into three main sections. Mechanical issues, stylistic issues, and plot issues. Mechanical issues refer to the bare-bones content of a story – specifically grammar, punctuation, formatting, presentation etc. Stylistic issues refer to things like word choice, atmosphere, creativity, voice, perspective and so on. And plot issues refer to the problems that occur in the narrative and sequence of events.

But before I get into that let’s get into another aspect of storytelling – especially writing. Cohesion & economics. The gist of these two factors is this; don’t waste your audience’s time, and don’t waste your own. Economics means that you use every last damn word to do something. It means that every word has to move the plot forward, contribute to characters, establish setting or themes, or build mood and atmosphere. Every. Last. Word. Cohesion is what happens when all the parts of your story come together to complement each other. Everyone knows, say, The Dark Knight, right? If you look at that film you’ll typically see that the camera skews and rotates and moves when it focuses on the joker. The tilting camera that never stays still reflects the joker’s own warped mind that never stays still. That’s an example of cohesion. The camera movements tell you about the Joker’s character.

Writers do something similar when they do their job well. Sentence structure (long flowing sentences, or short sharp ones), perspective (first vs third), word choice (long complex words or short every day ones), and much more all come together to tell the audience important things. You can look at my blogs where I go in-depth with examples on all these things and more.

But no one expects you to be Stephen King on your first go. All you need to bear in mind is this; when I tell a story, am I using every word to its maximum effect? How can I use the tools available to tell my story as effectively as possible? Am I being clear? Am I being efficient? Am I avoiding redundancies?

''Am I wasting the reader’s time? Am I wasting my own time?''

Now let’s move on to more specific criticism.

Mechanical issues – for the most part your story doesn’t falter. You write to a high grammatical standard. I don’t think I picked up on many spelling errors but either way the point remains - no major mistakes. You would be surprised how hard a sticking point this is for most people so it’s nice to read something where every other word isn’t spelt incorrectly.

Style issues – so this and plot is where your story fumbles. You need to build mood and atmosphere. You need to look at how other writers use language to create a feeling. This is where you need to read other people’s writing. You need to read everything you can get your hand on and you need to read critically. This isn’t just the same as sitting down and blasting through the nearest copy of Harry Potter. It means sitting down and carefully paying attention to what you do and don’t like, and making a note of why. It means that when a book puts a powerful image into your head that you stop and think carefully about how the author did that. What words did they use? What vocabulary? Like I said I go into this issue in more detail elsewhere (check my blogs on my user page), but the important thing is that you need to build your vocabulary and take time out to establish mood and atmosphere. How do you use language to create atmosphere?

Let’s look in-depth at your introduction of the monster.

 I looked out the kitchen window and saw a tall figure in a raggedy robe like the one that was for my Scream costume, except it was white . -> First of all, don’t create an image by borrowing someone else’s. Don’t say “he looked like someone from this movie, or a book, or anything else”. It’s your job to make an image and put it into the audience’s head and relying on something else, like Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger, is going to announce to the reader that you aren’t up to the job on your own. Second, consider word choice carefully. Raggedy? Words have innate qualities. They’re not random. Any word that ends in ‘y’, soft words that are informal and sound like they’ve come from the mouth of a Scooby-doo character, will rob the atmosphere of seriousness and make it all feel like a joke. There’s a reason why Lord Voldemort isn’t described as “crotchety” and Darth Vader isn’t summed up as “cyborgy”.

<p class="MsoNormal">'' Then being the nine year old I was I did something stupid. '' -> This is conversational. It sounds chill and easy going. Like the way I’d describe an experience to close friends (“and then being the dumbass that I am, I mistook the superglue for toothpaste! Haha!”). Is that the image you wanna conjure here? A laid back easy going anecdote? This is a horror story, right? Because this isn’t fearful language.

<p class="MsoNormal">'' I knocked on the window and the thing slowly turned to me, and I saw its face. '' -> So you could do more with this sentence but other than that, it’s fine, just a bit of a missed opportunity.

<p class="MsoNormal">'' It had a pale white face, like the way anyone's would look if you were really, really sick. '' -> So this is where you need to get detailed. This is The Reveal. This is the moment the audience is waiting for. A   monster! A ghost! Whatever it is, they’ve waited, and they want it. What do you do? Well you tell us it’s pale. For one thing, “pale white” is redundant. Pale and white tell us the same thing. You have so little time to do what you need to do, don’t waste words saying the same thing. Pale, or white, will do without the need for another word saying the exact same thing. And then, just to top it off, you add another long-winded point about being ill. Not only does that reinforce the idea that they’re pale (which you’ve already just done) but you use informal language (“really, really”) which undermines the impact, and you leave out half the other stuff. An ill face can be gaunt, hollow, bleary, blank, and so on. Point is, you tell us it looks like an ill face but so what? You need to go further and use creative word choices to show us an image.

<p class="MsoNormal"> These sorts of issues plague the rest of the story. You just don’t use the opportunity to create a descriptive scene.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Plot issues – this is a little more straight forward. The biggest problem here is that nothing happens. Some people when they’re just starting are too ambitious but you’re the opposite. You need to get stuck in a little more and give your stories a bit more action. Don’t end on some dodgy ambiguous note. Write a story with a beginning, middle and end and try to keep it under 5000 words but include at least one character who learns something and changes (that’s called a character arc). All horror stories should have threat; there’s no threat here. Create threat. Create danger. Create fear.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Overall – I figure you’re learning. Mind you, we all are. But the point is, you’ve got a good start going. You write to a decent standard and you’ve shown a fair bit of restraint but there’s a long road ahead to get better. For now, I’d say you’re two most important jobs are to read and write and practice and take careful consideration of online writing resources. I’ve mentioned them before, but I have some blogs, but there are plenty of other useful resources online too that break down plot structure and can provide great inspiration. Hope this helps.

Thanks, I'm glad you took the time to look.