Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25428589-20141108105333/@comment-25428589-20141108200115

Jay ten wrote: This isn't bad. It was well written, and your descriptive work is on point. The flow is also pretty much perfect for the length of the story. The twist was pretty good, although I think you probably could have done more with the ending. I'm not sure about that last line. I can't come up with any reason why the hospital wouldn't want the public to know that they had a crazy person in their care. Also saying he needs to be exterminated seems a bit strange. Unless you're implying that there really is some sort of cover-up, I'm not sure if that last sentence really fits. There were very few technical mistakes, just a few commas missing and one period in dialogue that should have been a comma, so good job there.

You may want to give the narrator a name, and then when you get to the bottom, you could put a subtitle "Case File-Subject Name" (something like that). You did give him the first name "Scott" which may be enough to make the connection if you list the file as being for "Scott Such and Such" at the end. It's obvious to me, but it might help avoid any possible confusion.

All in all, this is a pretty nice story, and I don't see any reason why it wouldn't meet the QS. Consider maybe doing a little more with the ending, and consider doing something with that last sentence. If there is a cover-up, I think you need to indicate that a little more, but if there isn't, I think that sentence may need to go or at least be reworked. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for your feedback! I've corrected the error with the period at the end of dialogue and added a title to the case file. The point of the ending line was to imply that what the narrator describes may or may not have happened, it's meant to be ambiguous :)