Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26171495-20150607164541/@comment-25980905-20150608083046

Hello, this is a detailed review for you story. It is constructive criticism, so please don't rage. I'm only trying to help.

What You Did Wrong:


 * The police can't legally declare people as dead until a body/evidence is found. May Pagtawan can be declared dead as the journal acts as an eye-witness testimony. The other two would be declared missing, depending on how long the police investigation has been going.
 * The addition of the local language contributes absolutely nothing to the overall story. Although it is clever and I find it interesting, it has absolutely no reason to be there.
 * In the story, you have a tendency to just bring things up for convenience and then dismiss the reasoning for it in the shortest way possible. "... I forgot to get my watch repaired...". Wait, since when was it broken? Why was it broken? Why did you bring it if it was broken? Then there's the blanket that May's body is carried in; "... I don't know why he brought it, but, it ended up being useful...". Again, this just came out of nowhere.
 * I also want to know why you just had to add that May dreams she is being raped. Why would you just add that in there? Rape is not something you can take that lightly and expect to get away with it. I get you wanted to use the connotations associated with rape, but it did not need to be there.
 * Your characters also lack depth. There is minimalistic characterisation, even for a short story. You said it yourself in the story when describing May. She was just there because she was the only one available and she had nothing better to do. You've literally said "Yes, she's there because plot and I need someone to kill off."
 * While we're near the beginning, "...I found this empty notebook near the cave, I don't know where it came from, it seems normal...". So is it not normal? Did it not come from near the cave, where you picked it up? Why was a notebook lying near a cave? You could have introduced this easier by saying your character brought the notebook on the trip in order to draw pictures, maybe map their route, and/or record what they found (plants, places, animals, weird occurrences, etc.).
 * Basically what I'm saying here is you need to describe everything better and not rely on things like rape to spook your audience. Short stories are not novels. You don't get sequels and prequels to explain. In short stories, everything is there for a reason and does not just come out of thin air. Everything has a purpose and everything is explained (even if the explanation is implied).

What You Did Right:


 * The story, as a whole, was not bad; but it also wasn't all that good. For a first attempt, it was good. But people aren't going to go easy on you on the main site just because it's your first time. The journal cliche is quite overused but you do it in a way that is at least readable. I liked how you didn't rely on an over-use of blood and the addition of the local language intrigued me. The fact that the woman switched halfway through did not elicit fear (what I believe you were going for), instead, it made it look like you just couldn't be bothered continuing.

Suggestions


 * Edit this story for grammar and spelling errors.
 * Don't rely on rape of all things to scare people, it is just unnecessary in this story. Above all of that, you don't go insane because you were raped in a dream. Think outside the box. Maybe the creature secretes a neurotoxic venom that causes people to go insane when ingested. Maybe that's what happened to her? Maybe change the nightmare to something less distasteful and into something a bit more imaginative.
 * Overall, your use of stereotypes and cliches do not do you any credit. Why would they go for a walk in a forest at night? Why is a forest surrounded by a fence? Why are they breaking through said fence? In fact, why is the old woman in the forest if it has a padlocked fence around it? I don't think you find many 50+ year old women walking through forests at points where it took sixteen year olds 30 minutes to trek to. You especially do not find them alone. Again, explain things.