User blog comment:XxMarshmelloexX/Im so lost... Admins? Help?/@comment-10950063-20131210164011

I started to edit this, but I think you should do another pass on it before someone goes through it all. It's very long and has a lot of issues and I only got a few paragraphs into it. Here's what I've done so far:

http://pastebin.com/mJLitdCg

Issues:

-Always put a space after ending a sentence.

-There's a lot of clarity issues for such a short amount of space. I marked them where I saw them.

-You need to change up the way your sentences start. Almost all of your sentences start with "I" and it makes it very boring to read.

-As it is, the story isn't a very interesting read anyway. It reads like a very bare-bones summary. Fleshing things out will make it more interesting and help with clarity.

-A lot of words were misused. Make sure you know what the words you're using mean.

If you want to work on it some more, I would gladly look at it again.