Talk:The Soldier/@comment-26030957-20150226215835

Finished! First off, let me say that you are incredibly talented. Your writing is vivid and detailed and realistic without a single grammatical error and filled with amazing metaphors and similes.

So much is working so well in this story.

Your obvious knowledge of the military is excellent and really fun to read- loved that. The noir like grittiness-killer. I like that he is marked. The scene with the homeless man in the beginning was particularly good. The entire cave sequence is great and I loved the giant centipede monster.

It's actually great, but, I think you might need an editor.

You are such a good, descriptive writer that I think you get too caught up in your vivid descriptions and end up telling the reader much more than they need to know. There is a great Stephen King book called  On Writing  (at least that's what I think it's called) and in it King is constantly saying that you have to be ready to kill your babies. A sentence or description will come out of you that is so good sounding, but, if it doesn't move the story forward it has to go. I go through it all the time and have hardened myself that some things just have to go, no matter how fun they were to write or how good they stand on their own. In the end sometimes less is more and just a quick description will suffice to set just enough tone and atmosphere. Remember your audience is reading for the story not your great, descriptive prose.

You have to kill your babies. Particularly with this crowd.

 I think if you could edit out a quarter of this, maybe even half, it would flow better, keep a better pace, and keep the reader more enthralled.

This is a fine piece of work and when you get done with all of it you may even want to try and find an agent and get it published as a novel. I'd be happy to go over it with you closer someday.