Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-13937974-20150819113322

Hey, so for the last few days I've been toying around with ideas for a pretty long story however I'm having trouble drawing things out if you catch my drift. I'm more used to short and snappy paragraphs so my flow always feels a little awkward and clunky at times. I've done out a basic story map (characters, locations, basic plot etc) and yesterday was my first time actually putting some words on paper. I'd like a bit of feedback into how I could make the story more engaging, especially in the very last line. Of course this isn't even a first draft, again just some words on paper, so I'm not really interested in plot or character feedback but if you feel like something that could really improve it is missing then by all means let me know. Thanks.

Sarah looked down at her watch for the millionth time that hour and scowled. She had only been here for forty five minutes and already she was bored. The last Friday night of the summer and she was stuck here babysitting for her step dads friend. She flicked open her phone and hit the yellow Snapchat symbol, tapping through the stories of her friends posing with pretty coloured drinks and badly hand rolled cigarettes. She stood up, tossing her phone to the side and made her way to the kitchen where a generous pile of crisps and chocolate lay waiting along with a purple sticky note reading 'help yourself :)'. “Don't mind if I do” she thought to herself as she grabbed a handful of the salty snacks. She huffed around the kitchen as she chewed, clenching her fists out of boredom and frustration.



“Its unfair” she growled under her breath, “It was only once and it isn't even that big of a deal, I know tonnes of other girls who..” A sudden sound in the hallway broke her train of thought, she paused and turned to the door connecting the kitchen to the source of the noise. She paused for a second and listened but heard only the TV in the other room. She took a step towards the door when she heard it again, it was a soft knocking sound. With a dry mouth and shaking legs she made her way to the front room, the knocking having stopped. She tiptoed her way towards the couch and grabbed her phone, the carpet masking the sound of her footsteps. She stood for a minute, desperately trying to rationalize the sound “It must just be the wind or maybe its the owners cat trying to get in” she told herself. However it was a calm summers night and the house showed no signs of a possible feline companion. She looked down at her phone, it was already half twelve, only another hour and her mother would be there to pick her up. She sat carefully down on the carpeted floor, not wanting to sit on the leather couch out of fear of making the slightest noise.



She put her headphones in, taking comfort in the beat of her favourite popstars when suddenly a bright light caught her eye. She looked to her right at the large bay window, dreading what she might see. She slowly sat up when she saw it again, a bright light shining through the curtains. She took a step towards the window when she realised with horror that it was the light from the motion sensors.  