Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27862802-20160618202052/@comment-27862802-20160627011854

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Capitalization issues: You forget to capitalize "I" numerous times. "i was watching my favorite show at the time something different happened.", " When i got there, my mom was sitting in the living room it was very nostalgic going back there.", etc. You also randomly capitalize words that shouldn't be capitalized. "I Looked at my mom and she didn't notice me at first", "Oh, Hi John.", "Your dad is in the bathroom as always, How are you?", "He Seems different but I'll keep an eye on him.", etc.

Punctuation issues: You don't seem to use apostrophes in contractions or to denote possessive words. You also don't use commas where there use is needed. "I went to my parents(') house.", "i(')m going to continue his research.", "It's ok though I mean they weren’t there with me.", " Take the book and throw it away burn it if you must but just stay away from the little town in Oregon.", " We will be going to an abandoned building near the woods, but I'm not excited(,/.) I'm pretty sure it's a trap.', etc.

Wording issues: " I could tell she knew what I was talking about but was hopping (hoping) I wasn't going to mention the incident.", "Basically while a show was running it would be interrupted this happened twice while I was a kid and once for my mom and brother.", "Jacob is the one who set it up and I'm not prepared for it to be one.", etc.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were: "I found my brother...well his body. He was in an old burnt down building dead with these drawings in his hand. I meet some of his friends too they seem nice" This line seems ridiculous in comparison. He just found his brother's corpse, and then he immediately jumps to pleasantries about his friends.

Story issues cont.: The latter entries feel extremely rushed. He jumps from his brother being dead to returning without really devoting any time to the shock that an event like that would entail. You tend to rush through events and not really spend time building them up or creating a picture for the audience to envision. "We will be going to an abandoned building near the woods, but I'm not excited I'm pretty sure it's a trap."

Story issues final: "No matter what he has been an amazing help on this "Mr. Smiley" thing." I'm assuming that Mr. Smiley is the entity that was haunting the protagonist, his brother and mother, but I am confused about why he's only mentioned by name towards the very end and there's no descriptions given for it. ("there were weird images. Like a creature standing in the corner or sitting on someone's bed")

I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work. This is not a comprehensive list of all the issues as there were quite a lot of other plot issues present in the story. If you plan to make a deletion appeal for this, I would strongly suggest completely re-writting this from the ground up and devoting a lot more time to the story/description/characterization/etc. itself. Thanks for the feedback. The reaseon i didnt describe Mr Smiley is becuase im going to add more to the story but i thought thus much made a good story for now i will be fixing the errors you told me about. once again thanks so much for the feedback!