Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24999958-20150508171122/@comment-25428589-20150508173110

This is nowhere near being finished enough to review, but I'll attempt to comment on what you have so far anyway.

When new people speak, you need to start a new paragraph. So, when the narrator says, "I know, right?", you need to begin a new paragraph.

I'm sorry to say this, and I mean no offence when I do so, but so far this seems pretty boring. I think it's probably due to a lack of any variation in the way each sentence is written. Every single sentence, except those that begin with dialogue, starts with "I". Consider changing that up a little. Additionally, the sentences are all very alike structure wise, with the majority of them being compound sentences. Varying your sentence structure can make your story more engaging and draw attention to certain details or convey the emotions of the narrator, if done correctly.

There are a couple of occasions where you miss out commas, but not so many that they detract from the story so far.

Really, there's no way to come up with a title for this based on what you've got so far. The story has an interesting(ish) premise, but it still (obviously) needs a lot of work. I might advise that you work on developing the characters somewhat, as they seem pretty generic so far.