Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160825190002/@comment-28266772-20160830140232

Hey, this is a huge improvement but you might want to ask someone else for some feedback. Below i've posted an annotated version with as many errors as I could see highlighted and corrected. It won't hurt to ask one of the admins for feedback (it's not long either), I just think it might help to get some more opinions on this than just mine. Hope this helps.

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The BMW's headlights cut through the thick mist as the car drove past an alley of dark spruce trees. John, Kyle, Lambert and Nicky were paranoid. Fresh blood stained their cheap jumpers and jeans. They could make out vague shapes of animels [animals] fleeing before the vehicle and hear them crash into foliage when they faded from sight. [this sentence feels vague at times]

"The Fuck! What's that?" John hit the brakes, avoiding the centre of the road. The car spun out of control, tires screeched, the world was a rotating blur; they suddenly stopped, and their momentum threw them forward.

"What the fuck, J?" Nicky said.

"I saw a chick in rags, standing and gaping like a fucking drug addict in the middle of the road."

“John, get a grip. It was an illusion. That's all." Lambert barked.

"Let's bury him here. It's empty, and the soil's good." [how would he know the soil’s good?] John said.

They looked around keenly as they shambled out of the car. A rumbling was heard in the distance, and it steadily approached the men. The fog was becoming brighter.

"A car is coming," whispered John, "Kyle, turn around. Pretend you're taking a piss."

Unfortunately Kyle's bladder let go before he managed to unzip his jeans. A dark car drove past. Lambert choked, and his countenance became ghastly. When they saw the tail lights disappear, Nicky said. [said,]

"What happened to you? You look like you saw a ghost."

"Did you see the driver?" [absolutely essential that in groups with more than one person that you state clearly, everytime, who is speaking.]

"No?"

"The driver... it wasn't fucking human. It had a pale, hollow face, dirty clothes, she -- it -- looked like a lady. Sparse strands of hair. Greying. The eyes! Red like hell's fire."

"Look, L, it's okay. We're all on egde, [edge] and that's normal for our first time-"

"First time! I'm not standing watch as you shove a guy's balls down his throath ever again, Nicky. I'm done." Kyle yelled.

"I'm not bullshitting!" Lambert began shouting suddenly. "I fucking saw what I saw."

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky told him to shut up, but he did not: "Just go and bury the fucking body!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh, you're the one giving orders now? After all I did for you, you motherfucker? I killed for you!" Nicky said.

<p class="MsoNormal">"He's still breathing, so finish you're [your] job, you cunt, and don't go telling me I'm fucking insane when I'm not. I know what I saw."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh, yeah?" Nicky said. Nicky launched himself at Lambert with his fist drawn back, poised for a devastating [devastating] blow. So devestating [devastating] that it knocked Lambert out.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Ungrateful fucker." Nicky spat.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Nicky, what the fuck! Why did you knock him out? He'll kill us when he wakes up; we'll be buried with that body." John said while Kyle started hyperventilating.

<p class="MsoNormal">After more arguments the three entered the forest; they searched through the trees and briars, listing to a whippoorwill cry, until they found an enclosed, circluar [circular] opening with soft soil. A bush rustled audibly. The three turned around to inspect it, but they could not see in the mist. Sweat squeezed through their pores, and a sense of paranoia overtook them.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Was it worth killing this guy?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"If we continued to let him fuck around with L's girl, we'd all be six feet deep." John replied.

<p class="MsoNormal">They started to trek through the briars and heather back to the car when they dug a hole six feet deep. They opened the trunk. A fat man, with missing testicles, and covered in blood was flailing around and spitting out blood.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky gave a battle cry, and charged at the guy, beating him until he broke a few bones. The man was choking on the testicles in his oesophagus, and Nicky assisted him with a garrotte.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Don't bother killing him, lets [let’s] just burry [bury] him alive.” John said.

<p class="MsoNormal">They made the anoying [annoying] journey to the grave again. Kyle could not hold off when they reached the pit. He threw up. Kyle was too sick to help John and Nicky, so he just lay back as the two shoveled dirt unto the body. The trees around them looked like phantoms in the mist, but all else was silent.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Do you smell that? It's smells like shit.” Nicky commented. The smell reminded him of rotting eggs and tomato's thrown in vinegar. His father made that concoction and spilt it in Nicky's room, and then beat him with a bar of soap in a sock whenever he misbehaved.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, I smell it – can you smell it, Kyle?” Kyle mumbled an affirmation. It was so bad they could almost taste it

<p class="MsoNormal">They recoiled when they heard Lambert’s bloodcurdling scream. The air became thick. The hair on their back stood up like marching soldiers.

<p class="MsoNormal">The mist all around them started glowing in a pulsating red, a snake-like whisper surrounded them, they could make out distorted faces in the mist. A humanoid silhouette stepped out of the mist. It was bloated, two blood-shot eyes dangled out of their sockets, and a yellow liquid dripped out of its mouth.

<p class="MsoNormal">Moss hung off its hands and face. A lacerated face. Though the worst thing was the bloody aperture in its stomach out of which four cords of intestine dropped out; one was wrapped around Lambert’s neck, dragging him along.

<p class="MsoNormal">Kyle screamed frantically. One of the intestine sprang from the ground and flew into Kyle's throat and found it's [its] way to his hearth [heart] as he chocked [choked], then the intestine wrapped around the hearth and dislocated it from the arteries.

<p class="MsoNormal">There has to be an explanation, John thought; there has to be a hallucinogen in the mist. Yes. That's it!

<p class="MsoNormal">“Stay the fuck away, you hear me, you motherfucker.” Nicky said, pointing a gun at it. Another cord launched itself from the ground and wrapped around Nicky’s hand, pulling it towards John.

<p class="MsoNormal">John tried to run away, but another cord of intestine slashed at him, crashing into his ankle. He collapsed. Nicky's finger massaged the trigger.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Please. Don't shoot, just turn the gun away, come on. Fight it!" said John.

<p class="MsoNormal">His finger wavered; the intestine slithered up that finger, depressing it with increasing force.

<p class="MsoNormal">Bang.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky saw nothing but a kaleidoscope of colors as he was crushed by the cords of intestine.