Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32802129-20190802094520/@comment-35711173-20190802200903

SigmetAlpha,

I normally review the use of English first and then the story. Your English is definitely above average for a first draft here in the Workshop but there is room for improvement. Have you run the program through a spelling/grammar check? Some of the errors are not much more than typos. They would come up in moments. Have you read the story out loud to yourself? If you can't read the story smoothly, neither can the narrators.

Here are some specifics:

The first sentence of the first complete paragraph is

It’s an unremarkable statement, one that would hardly illicit a raised eyebrow from a loved one.

il·lic·it /i(l)ˈlisit/ Learn to pronounce adjective adjective: illicit

forbidden by law, rules, or custom. "illicit drugs"

e·lic·it /ēˈlisət/ Learn to pronounce verb verb: elicit; 3rd person present: elicits; past tense: elicited; past participle: elicited; gerund or present participle: eliciting

evoke or draw out (a response, answer, or fact) from someone in reaction to one's own actions or questions. "they invariably elicit exclamations of approval from guests"

You have the wrong word. They sound alike, but the meaning is totally different.

Elicit is also a word that isn't commonly used. I guess you can use it if you want to, but couldn't you rewrite the sentence to be clearer without it?

It’s an unremarkable statement, one that would hardly raise an eyebrow.

Look at the next to last paragraph.

I cannot dictate what happened when the Architect arrived, nor whether It ever did, and I don’t know if I was around for the terrible culmination of It’s crusade against the human consciousness. I can’t explain how at some point, it dissected and re assembled the fabric of time as we know it, and I certainly can’t explain how at some point, I ended up waking up here.


 * It's crusade - Its is the posessive. "It's" is a contraction for "It is."  This is an irregularity in English.


 * re assembled the fabric - that space isn't correct.


 * Both of the sentences are long and have like a 17th-grade reading level. (College graduate student)

Overall, your story has a 10th grade reading level. A quarter of the sentences are downright difficult to read. Another quarter of the sentences are on the difficult side. You are also very heavy on adverbs to my tastes. Focus on using stronger verbs rather than an adverb paired with a verb.

I could go on about your use of English, but that's plenty for a first draft.

On to the story itself. I kind of get it. The whole thing sounds like an allegory for mental illness and depression. Maybe I am missing something.

Dr. Bob