Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26444401-20151126034745/@comment-26425680-20151126043152

Very underdeveloped. You tell us nothing of the murderer, or what his motivation is for trying to get the girls. Lily's death barely registers and I can't really see any point for any of this happening. Essentially, this story can be retold in one sentence, "We were home alone and some crazy guy in a bus killed my friend. The end." Pretty much everything is going to need to be fleshed out. Your descriptions of the grandfather's house are confusing as well (e.g. windows and plastic etc.)