Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31532017-20170215123526/@comment-24101790-20170215131417

“What have I gotten myself into.(?)” Rhetorical questions still need question marks.

"Moving like a feline, with her tongue rolling like a viper, and her bottom protruded like a whore before embracing him in her arms." A lot of these descriptions need to be more robust or removed completely as it's not a great idea to draw too many comparisons (movement of a cat, tongue 'rolling' like a snake, bottom of a whore) in a single sentence, and instead to spread it out and be more detailed/descriptive.

"“Yes, but,” Dwayne sighed before continuing, “It's (it's) complicated.”" It's a continuation of a sentence so the proceeding word (unless there's a period between the first comma in the dialogue) should be left uncapitalized.

Story issues: "A woman stepped forth, her silky hair lifted as breeze followed her from the glass pane and into the room." It seems kind of weird that a breeze is blowing inside a building. Do you mean like a air current or a fan was blowing at her back?

Story issues cont.: There's quite a lot of awkward wording here. "Dwayne mumbled, a small stream of water ran down his cherry red cheeks as he sat above his resting place." I assume you meant he's crying here, but people don't cry water and I'm not quite sure what you mean with 'sat above his resting place'. "His solitary exclusion was intruded as the door leading to the bathroom, creaked forward." This really feels over-written and out-of-place. Solitary exclusion doesn't really make a lot of sense as exclusion: "deny (someone) access to or bar (someone) from a place, group, or privilege." Did you mean self-imposed exclusion? "Winding her head down and back into his sights once more, she said, “Guess you noticed, huh?”" You're giving her perspective at that moment and really make no mention of Dwayne seeing what she's seen. ETC.

Story issues: Here's the largest issue, there isn't much story here. A man is apparently conflicted about a liaison he's about to have with a woman, he shows doubt, sees a disfigured face, story ends. This feels more like the set-up to the scene than the complete story. It feels kind of premature to end it there with bloody eye sockets as it's a pretty generic line that gets used in stories quite a bit that the audience is desensitized to. There isn't much story or character development here.