Talk:Night Marchers/@comment-5733573-20180704224225

One of my favorite jokes to make to out-of-staters: "You want to know why we Bostonians are so miserable?  Because it's cold and people die up here!"

I really like this story. The Night Marchers legend is one of the spookiest, and you've used it well here.

This story isn't without its issues, though. The biggest is that the story itself doesn't really begin until the 10th paragraph. Literally nothing before that is necessary for the story you're telling. Starting right in on the picnic and finding creative ways to give us necessary exposition would be much stronger and improve your windup to pitch ratio, if you get what I mean. To clarify, anything having to do with a car in this story is completely unnecessary.

Second, there are some places where the writing itself could use some polish. A few sentences seem ineffecient and awkward, such as: "I began to hear something in the distance." "Began to hear" is a weaker choice than "heard," for example. There are several other places where you could simplify and strengthen your sentences.

These things aside, I greatly enjoyed this story. The characters were likable, and I was very pleased to see an Irish girl from Boston. Nice work!