Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5101683-20180816184139

Big thanks to Icydice and SoDaftPotato for giving me the idea. I'm probably going to credit them alongside myself and put this story in and.

January 1 – I had to clean my counter today. It was covered in ants. In related news, S is no longer coming to my house. She says the rotting smell "upsets her". Maybe I should clean up the house.

January 10 – There are these sores on my back, but I think they'll go away soon. I'm itchy in weird places. Maybe I should take more baths.

January 17 - Gee, I really haven't been keeping track of this stuff. I haven't cleaned the house, but at least I took a bath never mind I was thinking of last month. Damn. I'm going to take a bath now.

LATER - I got distracted. I'm going to take a bath now.

LATER - Sometimes I wonder how I even have a house. I ended up dusting the entire house instead of taking a bath. I took a dust bath. :) Besides, I don't think Heaven cares how much you take baths so long as you believe in God.

January 25 - So you know how S said that the rot upsets her? It turns out that it's actually my snoring that's the problem. I think I should just not snore. I'm going to look up how not to snore.

January 27 - I finally write two entries in the same week! Hurrah! But I didn't stop snoring.

I culled those ants again. I wonder if I'm doing this too much, because now my hands hurt. My feet hurt too. Maybe I should start exercising a little more.

February 10 - I ended my streak after two entries.

I'm starting to get scared that I'm going to lose my job. None of my friends are coming over anymore, so what does that say about the folks at work with whom I don't have that close a connection?

But God is good. I'm sure He won't let me be homeless just because I'm not good at talking.

February 11 - (This line was scratched out.) Doesn't matter. Besides, I still have my job and my house. Whenever there are ants, there will always be spiders to eat them. That's just God's way.

Speaking of spiders, I bought one to help clean up my house since the bug spray I normally use isn't working anymore.

February 19 - Today my favorite spider died. It had this giant web which I could put bugs in really easily. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do otherwise.

I've been sick for a while. I tried to kill that spider, considering it hasn't been doing anything but mooching off me, and it managed to get in one good bite before I upturned the table and banged it on the spider. I made a bunch more pretty mad, but at least I did something. Stupid Brazilian tarantula or whatever made me sick beyond belief, but it worked.

I know that one of the Commandments is "Thou shalt not kill." but I don't think that applies to people who mooch off your things and won't go away and then start attacking you.

February 21 - My dick hurts. Also, it's starting to rot. This wouldn't be a problem if S hadn't figured out that my hands no longer work. This getting a bit out of hand.

February 22 - I had to contend with a few harsh truths today.

Firstly, it turns out that the spider I got was a Brazilian wandering spider, and the only reason I'm alive is that there's so little blood flow from my foot that the spider's venom basically didn't work. Praise the Lord!

Secondly, even though the spider's venom caused the gangrene on my dick, the doctor has no idea why my extremities are also gangrenous.

Thirdly, S told me that I was trash and that she wasn't going to be my friend anymore. I admit, I did feel like I deserved her friendship. But I still have my job and I'll always have God on my side.

February 24 - So I was carrying a few papers as usual and I gave them to the boss, but it turns out that one of my fingers fell into the papers, so now I'm fired.

I feel really good about myself. I mean, even though I got fired, that job was terrible anyways. I probably only got fired because I don't talk to anyone. I can find a better job. This is probably a sign from God that I should get off my ass and start working.

Besides, now I can write a few stories. That'd be a cool story, you know? "Man Gets Gangrene, Becomes Great Writer of Our Time".

(The next hundred or so pages consist of short and usually plotless stories. Most of the early ones involve a man (who is presumably the writer's self-insert) no longer having gangrene and/or punching his boss/girlfriend. As time goes on, the writing deteriorates to the point where it becomes obvious that the writer is writing with his mouth. Also, the subject matter delves into topics such as purpose and God's will. He begins to repeat the words "God is good and fair." throughout the stories.)

March 03 - It's March 03. I feel good.

See, I got a thing in the mail. It said that the reason I had gangrene is because I was snoring so much. They also gave me some examples of surgery to stop snoring.

But the surgery is too expensive. I couldn't pay this even if I had a job.

You know, for a while, I've been getting the feeling that God would like me to die. And I can see why. I've helped S to find good friends, I've helped my family to not be disappointed in my siblings, and I've even helped these spiders and ants to have a lovely home.

Now all the food's out of the fridge, all the lights are turned off, and I'm in my chair where I belong.

Someone weaker than I might curse God, but I'm simply glad that God would like me to die in my sleep. 