Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20170318124910/@comment-24101790-20170318134818

I'm sorry, but this really has quite a lot of issues ranging from line breaks, to grammar, awkward wording, to plot issues that really weigh down the story.

You have a tendency to cut off lines mid-sentence which really doesn't help flow (in free verse this is pretty important) and feels out-of-place. "I'm being chased somewhere--somewhere very dark. / I can't tell where I'm going but the walls are lined with / sparks", "And as I hear it banging on the door I find that I / Am in a single office with no other doors to try", "Onto the floor and back onto / The walls", etc. This ends up feeling more like a story that you randomly hit the spacebar throughout.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "It's feet upon the walls." , "I've seen it's shadow, phased and stark", "As it hurls it's body at me", "It's pace is slick and smooth and dry", etc.

Wording issues: "I fear that here inside this "here inside" is where I'll meet my end." (I'm not sure I understand why there's repetition of 'here inside' or to what effect you're going for), "And I can't find another window or a weapon to defend (myself)" (if you just say weapon to defend, it seems like the protagonist is defending a weapon i.e. 'it's my land to defend'.), "Is beating, pounding hard, / And hard," (the repetition really doesn't help the story much), "Running quickly, turning corners now / If I'm turning now at all" (I think you need to explain this a bit more if you're looking to portray that confusion as the line states they just started turning corners so it seems odd they would remark on their direction right after.)

Wording issues cont.: A lot of awkward wording. "While I run through double-doors and slam them / Hard behind me shut, / Not that I think it'd help / But if not, than (then) I don't know what.", "As the sounds--oh God the sounds / How they scratch into my lungs / And cough my blood onto the grounds.", "I can't tell where I'm going but the walls are lined with sparks", etc..

Plot issues: There are a lot of things in the story that feel out-of-place. "I can't tell what is chasing me, but still I know it's / ...rude" (How do they know it's rude? Why go from describing it with monstrous descriptors to more benign terms? "I'm in this place that's lined with walls / And all the walls are lined with sparks" Given that you repeat this line twice, it feels like you should build on it more than just repeating the same line like you did here: "I'm being chased--chased somewhere, I am being pursued".

Plot issues cont.: In the end this feels more like a story that you decided to change into a free verse poem by breaking the lines up. Unfortunately this really doesn't work as the line breaks feel random and the plot needs more to it. A protagonist is being chased, the protagonist stops running in an office. There really isn't much between the opening and the ending to help the audience get invested (who are they, why are they're there, what is the monster, what building has sparking wall, labyrinthian corridors, and an office, etc.) I'm sorry, but as it currently stands this has quite a few issues that weigh it down.