Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26423665-20150604190112/@comment-26423665-20150604190419

The demons and I would appreciate outside views on this, at least to get it up to CPW quality standards. Points I'd particularly like help with are any run-on sentences I've missed (a blinds-spot I'll readily confess to) and I'm not too sure about the ending; keep the last sentence in or leave it at "why did you think my eyes would glow"? I went with present-tense writing in an attempt to make it feel real to the reader, like it is, or could be, happening to them "right now". Did I come close or have I completely missed the target on that one? All along with standard pointers on sentence structure, grammar, etc.