Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27565343-20160108074931/@comment-26007602-20160108185923

Alright, the first thing I noticed, was that you need to split these paragraphs up a bit more, as these paragraphs are too bulky and hard on the eyes. Additionally, the opening sentence is very cliche, where a narrator says something along the lines of, "I need to tell my story, but it isn't believable." This has been done far too many times and is now a common cliche.

The first sentence of the second paragraph is a run on and needs to to be cut down. Actually, upon reading the first paragraph, I see that it is absolutely riddled with grammatical errors. I'm on my phone so I'm not going to make the effort to point them all out, but you should really put this through Word or something and try to catch all the errors. You're going to need to proofread this if you ever want it on the site.

Also, the first paragraph is incredibly long and uninteresting. I don't care at all about the specifics of this guys vacation, especially when it is written so poorly. There's a complete lack of tension or build up, nor is there any investment or interest in the characters.

The rest of the story needs a proofread before you can even address the story related problems. Additionally, you seem to have copied and pasted the first half of the story twice for some reason, which is confusing, odd, and shows that you didn't proofread it.