Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150506214530/@comment-26380605-20150508162457

Okay, the premise that you explain is good. There are lines in this that when viewed alone aren't bad (you have potential), but this particular poem lacks context. It's vague and ungrounded with no hook to pull the reader in. The reason why The Blue-Faced Baby linked above is powerful is because every word is grounded in the context of infanticide, and that context hooks the reader. When the narrator starts talking about hating the baby's cries it builds a sense of dread. The grounded and specific images evoke feelings of disgust and dread. Because the reader has these 'hooks' to latch onto they can become emotionally invested as they follow the poem to its conclusion.

There's nothing to get hooked to or invested in with the way your poem is presented. Try using more specificity. Don't just say 'people.' Don't just throw us in a vague place. Build a scene, place and mood, which is what The Raven is good at. Specify to me exactly what the narrator is looking at. Who are these people? Is the narrator looking at these people in a crowd? You seem to be talking about all people ever that the narrator encounters, but this is too large of a sample to evoke a response. Perhaps narrow "people" down to a specific set of people like, say, a crowd aimlessly walking down the street, seemingly oblivious to their own mortality.

The narrator can tell me that their sight "weaves endless spite," but as a writer you should ground those words in some specific context the reader's can feel instead of just know.