Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37412299-20181105034538

If I’m being completely honest, the Devil is one hell of a guy. I mean that in the figurative sense, and in the literal. The most incredible times of my life I can attribute to his handiwork, as well as the most painful times, the most self-destructive times, and the most deprived, sinking, shrinking times where I felt like the most alone thing alive in this empty hole of a universe. He’s like an experienced trapper, in a way. He lures you into following his plans with a bait you simply can’t refuse. It could be the job you’ve been working hard for, or the man or woman you’ve lusted after, or the opportunity to try an experience you’ve only dreamed about. Suddenly, you’re following his lead with every move you take, like some sort of stupid dog so thoughtlessly pleased to be on his leash. It all goes incredibly well, until that leash leads you right off of a cliff, causing you to fall to your demise. Your spouse will divorce you, leaving you totally brokenhearted. The drug habits, as well as the local police, will catch up with you. They’ll send you to rehab, and label you a menace to good society. All of a sudden, the life of your dreams has burnt and shriveled into black, crusty ashes on the wet pavement you call your bed, and the Devil will be standing there, laughing with genuine amusement at how incredibly well you’ve succeeded at letting him rot out every good and worthy thing in your life. Turns out, there is a place lower than rock bottom, and a life lived under the Devil’s rules will take you there.

Most people never give a thought to the Devil, though in their hearts, they know somebody has deceived them. Some call it “bad luck,” while others of the more cynical sort might chalk failure in life up to a make-believe internal flaw in the person who experiences it. However, they couldn’t be further from the truth. Turns out, there’s a simple way to avoid this failure, pain, and heartbreak. All it takes is a little insider info, some careful planning, and the gonads to go through with it.

You see, everyone is born into this life with a contract. The Devil writes it up for you the moment you emerge from the womb, and, due to the known fact that babies aren’t the best with legal wording and business sense, he’s free to write in whatever insane crap he can imagine. Of course, no good and legal contract can be followed unless it is signed by both parties, so he (quite reluctantly, I might add) gets your consent by giving you just a taste of something you truly, really need or want. That marriage certificate you signed? That job offer? You catch my drift. What people don’t realize is that you’re not required to be so asinine as to accept every self-damning clause that he writes into your contract. In fact, this contract can be changed, and if you play your cards just right, you can get nearly anything you want.

Now, I suppose I should put a warning in this to ward off any of you lazy, average joes who don’t have the money to afford a new Keurig for their 4 cups of strong coffee a day. This isn’t some idiotic ticket to get what you want, nor is it a get-out-of-jail-free card. Remember, we’re talking about the contract of your LIFE here. This document will entail every good thing and every bad thing you receive in life, and if the Devil is left to do as he pleases, it’s mostly going to be bad things. This method should ONLY be used if you need a REAL CHANGE. I’m talking about people whose WHOLE LIFE has been spent in severe misery and depression. We’re talking about arranging a business meeting with arguably the most dangerous being in the universe. If you’re not really convinced you need supernatural help, then close your browser right now and read about something else.

If you really want to change your contract, you’re going to need only a few basic things.

1.       Any kind of telephone. Smartphones, flip phones, old handset phones, payphones at the airport, you name it. Ideally, pick a phone that has clear speakers and good battery life. If you’re set on using a cell phone or any battery-powered handset, make sure you bring a charger or can ensure good battery life. If the speakers worry you, try using headphones to get clearer audio. Simply put, you don’t want to keep asking the Devil to repeat himself, It’s rude.

2.       A notepad and pencil. If you’re not used to taking concise, good notes, try looking up a lecture on Youtube and practice. This conversation will involve you agreeing or not agreeing with the clauses of your contract, and if you forget what you’re agreeing (or not agreeing) to, then you could wind up making things much, much worse than they were before.

3.       Any well-lit, empty room. Well-lit so you can take notes, and empty so nobody can listen in on your conversation. Think of the Devil as a kind of scammer. He’s not going to take the risk of anyone else learning that their contract is completely one-sided. You might have that knowledge, but this is between you and him, not anyone else.

Once you’ve gotten these three things, preparation for your meeting can begin. This is arguably the most difficult part to get right, because the Devil doesn’t just meet with anyone, only those who seriously mean business. Get up early the day you plan to have your meeting. Dress in your nicest clothes. Walk with an upright stature. Act like you’re the king of the hill. Think success, wealth, and power. Most importantly, DO NOT mention God whatsoever, and DO NOT schedule your meeting for a Sunday. If you’re trying to meet with the Devil and you mention or praise the one Being who can destroy him, you’re going to have a rough time.

Once you’ve cultivated the right attitude and prepared your mind, go to the room you’ve selected for your meeting, still dressed for success. If all goes well, you should enter the room feeling a certain abstract presence. Don’t gasp, don’t run, don’t call out to see if anyone is there. After all, you should be expecting him. He’s never late. Take a moment to prepare your phone and notes, if you leave the room to collect anything, it wouldn’t be a bad idea just to say why you’re exiting. After all, you don’t want him to think you’re running away.

Return to the room as quick as you can, open your phone, and dial the first number that comes to your head. Seriously. It could be a number you just thought up, or a family member’s, or your girlfriend’s. You won’t even hear the dial tone, just his voice. I can’t really describe the Devil’s voice, it’s a lot like a woman’s voice, and yet it has a certain growling quality, like that of a lion’s roar. I also don’t know whether it’s the same voice for every person. Either way, you’ll know it’s him.

This is the part of the tutorial where I can’t really give you much information on how to proceed. It’s like preparing for the ACT, I can give you questions like what he might ask, or tell you the basics of what he might do, but to a certain frightening degree, you’ll have to go with your gut. There are many pieces of advice I could give you, but if I could condense it into one simple phrase, it’d be this. Be authoritative. Don’t let your teeth chatter, don’t stutter when you speak, and keep calm and cool. If he doesn’t make something clear, kindly but forcefully ask him to repeat what he said. When you say yes, mean yes, and when you say no, mean no. Don’t be vague and confusing, or it’ll anger him. If you do find yourself with an angry Devil on the other end, take the high ground and be very polite, overly polite if you have to. He might take his anger out on you, but no matter what he chooses to do, whether physically or mentally, just suck it up, be the bigger person, and force yourself to stay kind. Trust me, it’s well worth it.

As for the business side of things, make sure you listen carefully to every single sentence from the contract that he reads you. If you like it, say you agree, and don’t push your luck. If it’s a clause which is obviously bad news for you, he might not be totally clear about what it means, or he might try to paraphrase the wording to get you to agree before you actually hear what it says. Kindly ask him to read the actual document, and do not back down. Be brave. Remember to keep accurate notes, writing down each section he reads you. Just be clear and concise, and show some common courtesy. Do what you did for your first job interview. It won’t be easy, because the Devil plays on anxiety, fear of failure, regret, and worry. Block all of your negative emotions and just channel your inner Godfather.

After an hour or two of negotiation, you’ll finally reach the end of your meeting. The Devil will ask you to sign the contract. All you need to do is write or print your name in your notebook. After this, thank him for taking the time to do business with you, then hang up the call. Take a deep breath. Laugh a little. Let your anxiety out. You did it.

Most likely, you’ll recognize the results of your meeting within a week. You might just get a call from your boss saying you got that raise you’ve been hoping for. Maybe you’ll meet that special someone you’ve been eyeing for a while but never had the guts to go up and talk to. You might start to feel truly joyful when you thought a smile would never crack across your face again. You might just feel gleeful, like you could do anything, become anything, and accomplish whatever you wanted. You might even feel a bit like a daredevil. Perhaps you’ll hear that your least favorite co-worker at the office is working a late shift that night, and a little tingly voice will start to craft a plan for you. You’ll grab your old baseball bat you used to play with as a kid, and you’ll feel happy and so confident as you sneak into the building through the window they always forget to lock. Maybe you’ve been having a little relationship trouble with that partner of yours, and finally, you just have to get him or her to be quiet – and stay that way.

The Devil really is a hell of a guy. He’s crafty, twisty, and smarter than anybody thinks. You’re crazy if you thought you could really make a deal with him. After all, he’s after your soul, and he wants it more than your puny, small, human mind could ever want anything. What you thought would bring you temporary pleasure has earned you eternal suffering, all over a little chat in a quiet room that you could have easily avoided. But hey, you were desperate. You were beyond rock bottom. You had lost everything you thought you wanted in life. You really didn’t have much to lose, right?

You couldn’t be more wrong. 