Board Thread:General Wiki Discussion/@comment-25391992-20141231233812

This is what i was trying to post:

(AUTHOR’S NOTE- Any and all names -fuck it, EVERYTHING- do not exist to my knowledge, and if they do, it is pure coincidence. Constructive criticism is wanted but don’t cross the line or make it hard to see- aggressiveness will be met with aggressiveness. Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful day. One last thing- I know the title is “Demise”, but I honestly had no fucking clue what to name it. Leave ideas in the comment section, and I’ll be sure to consider each and every one.)

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What you are about to read are the journals of Nokoro Takasake, sent to a tutor he had made a story for. The grade of the project was a 100%, but the project was confiscated by several people in large black suits -presumably the FBI- after the story happened in real life to Nokoro. But I don’t have much longer to type. The ones in black are probably coming for me. Anyways, here. I’ll see you at the Warehouse. 6:00, a week from Friday.

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It was a normal day, like every other. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword had just come out, and I was inclined to buy it. But I didn’t have a car, and none of my friends were able to give me a ride, so I had to walk. About halfway to the store, I noticed that there was a game case laying in a ditch off the sidewalk a little ways. I walked down and picked it up, and to my astonishment, it was a Skyward Sword case! I looked inside, and, sure enough, there was the disk for it! Now, being a Zelda fanatic, I didn’t question the circumstances. The only thing on my mind was playing it. Upon reaching home, I went into a mad dash to get the disk in my Wii and start a new game. Oh shit! Where are my manners? My name is Nokoro Takasake, I’m 29 years old, and I live in southern Tokyo, Japan. Anyways, back to my experience. I went through the Introduction sequence, but noticed something- the NPC sprites were a bit glitch, but I could care less. The disk might have been a bit dirty from the ground. I saved and quit, cleaned the disk, and continued. Besides, it’s just a minor glitch, so if it’s permanent, it won’t make a difference, right?



Right?



(I’ve ended the creepypasta here, but not entirely. I want feedback, telling me if there is something I can make from this to make it better, if it’s already really good on its own, or if it’s a dead cause and I should start over. HOWEVER- As said at the top, if you just give me a one-liner that says, “This pasta sucks”, that doesn’t tell me anything, it just demotivates me. But yes, I know my third try at a creepypasta is probably going to be mediocre, but how would you like it if I just said “Fuck you and your pasta. Mine are so much better” to you? Exactly. Actually help me.  Please, give me your feedback below, I aim for a very good creepypasta, but instead of teaching me through words, I want you to tell me what to do next, so I have a feeling that I also contributed to this instead of being biased by one person and one person only. Hopefully you understand.)

-HobbitTerrariaFTW"



Now, if there is anything wrong with it, please let me know so i can change it.  