Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43643311-20190827213557/@comment-9041013-20190828113709

First why is it in bold? Somewhat pointless.

Your tenses are jumping, probably also punctuation and grammar overall need some work.

If your narrator dies before the story ended, who wrote it? It's unrealistic to the point where it cannot be really taken seriously.

I think you should use a third person all knowing narrator here, or turn this into a dream based story. You can obviously keep the dream at the beginning, as a "dream within a dream".

The story itself doesn't have much going on for it, someone wakes up in a locker room; doesn't feel too weird about this. Doesn't try to do anything about the situation that requires a "search an escape" course of action. Why? The corpses don't cause any real reaction. How? Suddenly the narrator is killed. Why? Again, there isn't much that actually happens here. I don't care for this, I have no reason to. Give me a reason to care, make me care about the narrator/protagonist.

Everything is all about the emotion you induce in the reader.