Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30449381-20161228165648/@comment-30449381-20161228171733

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

BatWolfStories wrote:

EmpyrealInvective wrote: This was deleted because it was well below quality standards. Even if we were to ignore the frequent grammatical (like your=possession, you're=you are. "If your confused,want to compliment"), punctuation (Apostrophes missing from contractions. "thats in quotes because they didn't look like hands", "Im running so fast but I can hear their blood freezing roars", etc. Punctuation missing from dialogue. ""Sleep tight" he croaks", "'Now....do as I say' (also why switch from regular quotations to single quotes?) Says the", etc.), capitalization (You don't capitalize proper nouns. "they didn't look like hands i'd ever seen", "im completely lost, i've gone way too far into the jungle.", etc. You also improperly capitalize words after dialogue. "'Now....do as I say' Says the", etc.), and the lack of effective description (the death scenes feel really rushed and could use more focus.), there are a lot of story issues here. There are other mechanical issues too, but the plot problems were what tipped the scales in the end.

The story feels rushed. You try to jump right into events but without any real backstory or development, the story feels lacking. There's also really nothing to grab the audience's attention and it comes off more as a tie-in to a yet-to-be animated story without anything to really keep the audience's focus ("I oblige and make my way through the jungle to hunt down everyone, including the 'explorer'.") and the fact that both the friends and parents die in a extremely nondescript manner really dull any impact you were going for. Couple that with the issue that the protagonist recounting this event, but is transformed at the end and you have a serious tonal shift. If all this is being told after the fact and the protagonist is now a blood-thirsty monster, why is he explaining the events in such a way. I'm sorry, but for being only about a page long, there are a lot of errors here. well i was trying to do it where he was running off after it happened but could i rewrite it with more storyline and errors fixed? I'm sorry, but that makes little sense. If he feels so harried, why is he even writing it in the first place? Additionally if he was issued a command like "Massacre them all," why isn't he following orders? What level of autonomy do they have? Why does he feel so broken up about their death if he's already been converted to this monster? There are quite a lot of story issues here.

P.S. I deleted your latest story for a lot of the same reasons as I outlined above. well could I rewrite it because I think I've got an actual big story this time, i can lenghten it all out and make the transformation into a killer make more sense