Talk:Daddy's Little Princess/@comment-11345660-20160111033818

As promised, I checked this one out, and I was pleasantly surprised! Blood for the sake of doing things with blood is not something you see very often and I appreciate your eloquent phrasing. Your psychological approach to the girl's condition is on-point, for the most part. As a practicing psychologist myself, I like seeing problems of the head in horror stories more than any other. The process of her breakdown is executed well, but I think it was a bit quick to begin (though I can forgive you of that because this is a short story!) However, that also is a bit funky with the dad and his ultimate turn to the bloody state of mind--mostly because I don't think it's made clear if this girl really possesses the Jedi Mind Trick or not.

If she does, than I think an earlier demonstration would make it seem more in place--like offering the same dialating-contracting pupil description with Lars--and if she doesn't, it's rather dissapointing because I don't think the father really had the mental development necessary to make the turnaround, weird eyeballs or not. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think the idea was for the daughter to turn the father over to her side just like Lars did to her, but I feel her method of doing, while I guess sensible, shouldn't have been as effective--I know it's a horror story but hear me out--in the literary sense. I think it what made me forgive the first time for being rushed--aside from you having not a whole lot of space to work with--was because it was implied Laura's change was gradual. Lars took her out for dinner, bought her expensive clothes, made her feel pretty, then hey, how about some drugs, AND THEN the weird stuff really started happening. Lars had broken her down and built her back up his own way.

The dad was turned in two second. Wanting to protect is daughter is fine and dandy, but t here was one line of dialogue to describe his indicision of murdering someone the police hired to help him. I feel like there could've more, fondling accusations from an already untrustworthy girl or not. If he was already kind of crazy before, then you need to show that. I would suggest more than the disgruntled thought of Lionel comparing deprogramming to a rodeo. Give him a real reason to not trust the fat guy. When you're giving examples of his work, the Detective could've mentioned some "incidents" during the deprogramming process that resulted in backlash for the fat guy and that would make Laura's accusations all the more believable.

There are other things I felt weird about while reading, but this is primarily the most I had a problem with. I like you're inclusion of those italicized (what I assume to be) lyrics from the Cure: Pornography song (I can't tell because I looked up the song and couldn't hear what they were saying half the time), but I feel it could be easy to miss. The jumping back and forth fro Laura to Frank  between lyrics was clever, so kudos on that.

Overall, I think was a very entertaining five minute read. Personally, I feel the execution is a little sloppy given the reasons I have stated above, but for those who want to hear a good tale about some nut shooting up blood, I'll definitely refer them to here. Now, you probably feel like I put your story through the meat grinder, so I invite you to take a shot at a rough draft of my own. Don't hold back, but keep writing. I look forward to seeing what you have next.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:518100#2