Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20141027053552/@comment-24996913-20141027212534

Banningk1979 wrote: Wow, and I thought I'd been on some difficult job interviews. Well, let's all sit down and update our LinkedIn profiles, and attach this review to our resumes.

What went right:

-As usual, this was masterfully written. No reason to really touch on the grammar, as it all seemed to be impeccable.

-The plot. Excellent plot from start to finish. You touched on real, tangible environments here that just about any reader can relate to. We've all needed jobs at some point, and we've all felt the crunch of being interviewed, hoping upon hope that we impressed the human resources manager and locked down the job. Add in the element that the interview is being conducted on the spot within a group dynamic, and this story practically dripped with realism. Fine job indeed.

-The characters. You are a fantastic character writer. I especially enjoy how well you write believable characters. They are generally just everyday people placed in very unusual circumstances. Like a young woman needing a job. Her actions all felt real, from her immediate excitement at being offered the job, to choosing the 'little black dress' to help hedge her bets, to her instant rivalry with the other female applicants. This is pretty much how it's done. I can recall my own interviews, sitting there waiting to go in, sizing up the other individuals waiting for the opportunity. Looking at the guy who wore no tie, or the guy who wore white socks with dress shoes, and thinking, "Yeah, I am certainly the winner here." It all felt very real and very natural, and made the character development flow with ease.

-The twist. What a twist it was. Lights go out and so does the competition. I particularly enjoyed placement of the folders, as indicating success of failure during the interview. It reminded me of the 'end times' prophecy of how the worthy will be placed on the right and the unworthy on the left. Well done on sneaking that in.

-The ending. There was a line in there that gave me some well earned chills. The part where Ms. Patel mentions something large bumping her in the dark. Very scary, the idea that this demonic entity is moving about in the darkness, picking off the unworthy. Especially while she is tied down to a chair. Excellent work all around.

What could be expanded upon.

-Personally, I think this one is awesome, well written and executed, and ready to be posted. However, if I were to add a bit more, here is what I would suggest.

-Extend the interview process. Really go into each candidate and allow them to make their little mistakes and get the boss's subtle disapproval. I would have also enjoyed seeing a more vivid showdown between Patel and the woman in the red dress. There seemed to be a natural rivalry there that I would have enjoyed seeing develop a bit more.

-The Lancaster character could have had a bit more development as well. He came across very neutral, which is natural or course, but I think a sinister element would fit well. Have him slip in a few darker comments, nothing that gives away his true purpose, but something just to set the tone in a little more.

-The struggle at the end seemed a bit rushed. The men immediately tying her down didn't seem quite believable. Most people tend to panic and go into the blame game rather quickly, but it didn't feel totally organic to human nature that they would opt to tie her up so quickly.

Those are just my thoughts on it. As I said above, I think this one is amazing and site worthy as is. An excellent pasta and a very good read.

I added a lot to the end scene, and a bit more insight on Mr. Lancaster as well (not sure if it'll ruin the feel or be even creepier). Thanks a lot for the in depth feedback and the great suggestions. I definitely feel your suggestions have made the read that much more creepy.