Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20161117152206/@comment-24101790-20161118030154

Starting with the basics, make sure you use source mode when you post this as there are coding issues here that would likely lead to the story being marked for review so users can remove the coding. Let's move on to the mechanical issues:

"Not far from the seclusion of this fire was a Summer Camp and a Lake, both of which went by the name of Floodwater" - These should only be capitalized if given a more direct title (Floodwater Summer Camp). See the Library of Alexandria for example.

"‘This must be what writers block feels like(comma missing)’ he thought to himself."

Punctuation: Remember that if you have dialogue going over multiple paragraphs that you don't need to use quotations at the end of each paragraph, but you should use end quotations at the end of dialogue or intervening action. You can look at my story The Chaplain for reference.

"The miserable man got so angry, that he used his swiss (Swiss) army (Army) knife to kill all the children." Swiss Army should be capitalized as it's a mark/brand.

"She was terrified: a typical young girl she was." is a bit awkward. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see how it flows. As a teenager is telling the story, it feels a bit clunky that they would say it that way.

"“You are supposed to tell us a scary story, not a little girls story!” I believe girls should be treated as a possessive word there and needs an apostrophe. "He had slit the poor boy(')s throat with his knife", " Now it was too late, the young boy(')s temper", etc.

"Maggie laughed at her brother. “Fine, Gayry (Gary) . You finish the story.”"

"“I’m sorry guys, but it’s about time you went to sleep.” The (the) supervisor said."

There are other issues there, but that's what I noticed while reading through it. I'd instead like to focus on the story itself as there are a few suggestions I'd like to make.

Story: Lines like "She just stuck around the boys because of Gary, even though she hated some of the things that they said and did." could use a bit more elaboration. The narrator of the story goes into the other character's some so it feels a bit out of place to leave it as it is without much focus.

I understand the story is being told from (likely) a teenager's perspective, but the errors really don't fit in as it's dialogue and not written word. Also lines like: "A massive green figure stood behind The Man, with massive jagged osteoderms all over its body, just like an Alligator (alligator) or a Crocodile (crocodile)." seem a bit out of place given the scientific name for scales (especially since it really doesn't get implied much throughout the rest of the story). I tinkered with the idea of misspelling things for effect in We R Leejun, but the issue mainly lies within the narrative. It really doesn't work with a third-person narrative where the narrator is more of an omnipotent or separated from story. Additionally you do have to consider the effect of the errors. What are you trying to tell the audience through their use?

Story: While I do like the idea of a cyclical story within a story, I am worried that using it twice in the same way can dull the impact. (Like the protagonist waking up from a nightmare that covered the events of the story and then repeating it.) This feels especially pertinent given that the audience is only introduced to these characters at the end and their fate seems more like a re-treading of the same grounds.

I'm a bit on the fence about this one. I like the concept of campfire stories bleeding into existence, but it does feel like it is borrowing a bit from your other story Please Be Careful without really changing up the style much, both open with a story being told (poorly) and both framing devices foreshadow the ending of the main story. I might take some time to review this one and decide on what could be done to make it a bit more effective.