Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25725945-20150103030354/@comment-10950063-20150106003609

The story starts with a quotation mark and ends with quotation marks. You don't need that. I think I get why you did that, you're trying to give the impression that this is all being spoken. However, you're formatting incorrectly. For continuing dialog, you put open quotes at the beginning of each paragraph. More than that, it doesn't work. There's no context for this person who is speaking.

Don't mention Slenderman.

This whole first paragraph doesn't work. The first sentence is kind of confusing and nonsensical, the end is too flowery and the middle is one big run on sentence. It's also just unnecessary. It adds nothing.

'''What happens next, is, gross, to say the least. '''

Don't ever do this. First, don't preface things, just get to them. Also, don't try to tell the readers how to feel about something. It doesn't work. If something is gross, describe it and if the reader feels that it's gross, they'll think that themselves. When you preface it like this, like, "Oh, man, hold on to your hats, something icky is coming up," it's almost like a challenge. They will most likely end up thinking, "Well, that wasn't gross."

Those are relatively minor things.

Here's the major problem with this story. This isn't a story. It's kind of like a bland essay about this monster. There's nothing to draw us, nothing to engage with, you're trying to build imagery, but it just lies there. Read something like Smile Dog. Smile Dog is a story, there's a couple narratives going on there and the details of Smile Dog come out more naturally do here. Same with The Rake. There's not much of a narrative, but there's more of a framework.

There's other big problems. This reads like a guide on how to avoid the Night's Maiden. Like ehow.com's "10 Steps to Getting Rid of Your Night's Maiden Problem". It immediately removes any chance of creepiness. The bulk of the story is about how to avoid being attacked by the monster. It's so bad, that I didn't even realize the Night's Maiden attacked in anyway. It's not even referenced until the last two sentences.

Those are the two big things.