Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33904527-20190113014104/@comment-33904527-20190113212315

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I noticed a number of punctuation, capitalization, and wording issues here that could use some revision. I'm citing the first examples I came across but in all instances, there are other examples throughout the story that need to be corrected.

Punctuation: Remember to only use a period in dialogue if it's the conclusion of the sentence. Lines like: "“It’s fine.” Gill mumbled.", "“Ok, honey.” The (the) woman replied, as Joe set out across the mud.", "That’s it.” Gill reluctantly shared once more.", "... like a frightened schoolboy.” Daniel continued.", etc. should use a comma instead of a period as the sentence continues with the dialogue tag. Here's a helpful guide that might be a bit more illuminating than what I wrote.

Capitalization: Dialogue tags shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a proper noun. "“The fuck…” He mumbled quietly.", "“Step aside, sir.” The (the) officer repeated", "“What’s wrong, honey?” A (a) silky-smooth voice suddenly spoke up from beside Gill.", etc. Feel free to consult the guide I posted above.

Wording: "Joe’s mouth dropped open, and in an inexplicable moment of insanity-inducing panic, he screamed, trying not to collapse in shock." (The use of the word inexplicable doesn't really work here as it's pretty easy to explain his reaction after stumbling upon his grandmother's corpse.), "Gill had his eyes focused sharply on Joe as he ran, hot on his tracks, but quickly losing (lost) him through the dense foliage.", "Out of stamina, Joe ducked behind a thick-trunked tree and tried to slow his breaths (breathing)", etc. I always suggest reading your story aloud and working on areas where you stumble in the reading as they're likely spots of awkward wording or areas that hinder story flow.

As for the length, I don't really see much of an issue as by the sixth paragraph, you've introduced the setting, protagonist, horror elements (suggesting at the protagonist's nature), etc. That being said, I might try to make the reveal of the body in the water a bit more impactful to the audience as it does come off as a bit glossed over.

Dialogue: Some of the dialogue felt a bit overly expository. Mainly the grandmother's and Winters'. A lot of the conversation with Winters at the end could be told through the narrative voice rather than dealing with the disconnect of a character stating these things outright who would more likely be panicked/under duress. "You had to, didn’t you? You just had to wait for me to wake up. You couldn’t just do it then and there when I was unconscious, oh no, where would the fun be in that?"

Story: This is also more of a suggestion, but I would spend a little more time fleshing out Gill's reasoning as the inclusion of some of the story's more supernatural elements does come off as sudden. I'd drop small hints throughout the story using descriptors as a means of hooking (yes, it's a play on words given the theme) the audience.

Best of luck with your revisions. I've finished editing. Here are the revisions I've made:

1-Capitalisation and punctuation errors have been ironed out (feel free to fix anything I might've missed).

2-Sloppy wording has been re-written, along with some other parts of the story.

3-The scene in which Gill's son's body washes up on the shore has been fleshed out, in order to make it seem less "glossed over".

4-Margaret's and Winters' dialogue has been cut back, as to avoid over-usage of exposition.

5-Several "hints" have been added throughout the story to help reinforce the supernatural element.

Please read the story again and let me know if the changes made any difference. If the work is now good enough to be officially posted to the site, could you please let me know. Thank you.