My Wife Does Something Strange When We Sleep

My wife and I share everything. Well we are young millennial in our mid twenties so why shouldn’t we. Hell, we each have social media profiles with aggregates of 900 plus followers and we regularly pour out our every emotion online anyway. There is no need for a secret journal or anything like that when we willingly, no…when we are compelled to share our every whim and thought online. It’s this openness, which so regularly saturates our weekly vibe that what I discovered a few nights ago scares me to death. You see, normally when something bad happens there is a lead up, some kinda warning. But no. Not in this case. My wife is involved in some sadistic recreation, or at least I hope that’s all it is…and I had no idea what it meant at first or what was coming next after the events of that first night. I can’t leave her, I know too much and I can’t hurt her- I love her too much...So I must join her. I mean we were high school sweethearts. Nobody really uses that term anymore so let me be more honest. We here high school lovers. We Netflix’ed we chill’ed we made sweet sweet love. But this is my wife we are talking about so you creeps can’t get all the details. Suffice to say the worst thing that ever happened to us was one of those curable STD’s. I don’t care how many people she slept with before me but since she has been mine I’m all she she has known. But what I saw…what I discovered a couple nights ago and combined with what she just showed me leads me to believe she has experienced perverse encounters (possibly intimate) ...of another kind. I don’t know if I am more mad or more obsessed. I am having a hard time deciding the stronger emotion considering the fact that I was angry that she waited so long to tell me about her encounter but also the fact that I enjoyed it so much once she finally showed me. As I mentioned earlier we are millennial but we are doing well off. I’m a scientist and my wife is a stay at home mom/entrepreneur. She has a side hustle that started as a hobby but blossomed into a full blown “I’m about to use the skills I learned when I got my MBA” small business. She sells cupcakes, but not just any kind. She works on the principle of what she codified the “time sensitive modified dish rotation method”. She laughs when I talk about it because I give it a different name every time I bring it up. Once I even called it the “codified time to name your dish method”. The basic idea is that she offers up seasonal flavors but also constantly coming up with new standard flavors. At one point she even branched out into full-blown cakes. So when I say she has a kind heart and is gentle you should believe me because she is. And of course, she also does catering and has tapped local businesses for short-term events. But like all good things the creative, given the right motivation, can use their talents for more devious means. I on the other hand work at a research hospital. There’s not much to tell about me because I’m not that interesting. Smart, sure. Interesting, not so much. Well, at least I used to be much- this newfound talent my wife has will have my coworkers dying of envy at the next office party…or perhaps just dying. We aren’t killers, it’s nothing like that. Okay, it’s something like that but we aren’t harming what you would call “people” we just hurt “persons” or better put “entities”. My wife is an intelligent woman and surprisingly not one to be quick to believe in the supernatural, UFO’s, or poison in the water conspiracy theories. She didn’t believe in mass-surveillance by the government but who really, genuinely did other than quacks. She, like the other 99.9% of us were wrong on that one so she gets a pass. The government is notoriously good at keeping secrets as the quacks have always claimed. I can’t say I agree with “secrets” plural but sure they have one or two good secrets under-wraps like say the nuclear catch codes! Anyway, as I said earlier my wife knows how to use her head and that’s probably why she waited so long to tell me about her newfound ability. And points on the creep factor for actually showing me on the night of Halloween. A few nights ago like normal I was the last to crawl into bed after running through my evening and PM checklist. Was the dishwasher still running and would I have to worry about some of my knives rusting? Were the refrigerator doors closed all the way to prevent frost buildup? Did my wife make sure to not leave the warming drawer on for the millionth time? All these things can keep me up at night combined with more traditional concerns at this time of year like should I turn the AC to heat or cold tonight. Last thing I did before my head hit the sack was set the alarm to “stay”. I live in an older house and floors squeak to the exact patterns of footsteps, dishwashers make “knocking sounds”, and clothes dryers sound like someone trying to break in. I don’t have the time nor patience to go all Rambo and doing kick spins and somersaults around corners to ambush would be killers and bad guys. I was in gymnastics way back when but only for a year and only long enough it learn how to do a forward and backwards roll. So the alarm system goes on and I sleep peacefully. That’s my expectation and what I though was going to happen until at about 4:32 am the 120 decibel alarm system starts wailing. I immediately reach for the gun under my pillow before realizing I don’t even own a gun but those seconds of confusion were all I needed before the fogginess of the dream world wore off. So what happened over the next couple of minutes I know were not a dream. My nonexistent gun was my fist thought but my wife was a very close second- I’d say a tie with first. Let’s just say in one motion I reached for my gun and glanced toward my wife at the same instance to see if she was okay (that version of the events will keep my wife happy and you know what they saw about a happy wife). But what shocked me was that she wasn’t there. I mean she was just there but she wasn’t any longer. Under my gaze the indention she left in the bed was just starting to rise and I felt the last of her leftover body heat dissipate into the room. What the hell? I asked myself. What could of set off the alarm and why did it feel like my wife was here in the room but not here? I threw on my man slippers and struggled to run out the room while slipping a one-size too small sleeve-less shirt on. Somehow in my confusion, fright, and clumsiness I ran straight into the doorframe and hit my arms on the top of the frame and my head on the door as I couldn’t see because my shirt was half over my head still. Note: I really need to wear size appropriate clothes even while going to bed. I don’t know who came up with the stupid myth that it is okay to go to bed in oversized shirts for women or too tight shirts for men. I digress, as I got up in a fit of rage I tore my shirt in two and walked over to the laundry room trashcan to toss it. At this point I had completely and totally forgotten about the alarm going off and then I realized the reason I had forgotten about the alarm was because when I got up after hitting my head the alarm was no longer going off. Not so much spooked as dumbfounded I wondered if I had managed to knock myself unconscious during the whole shirt verses chest and arms ordeal. Stupid me, I didn’t check the time when I had first gotten up so I ca… I did check the time and I don’t know why that thought escaped me. it was 4:32 am. I rushed into the kitchen downstairs with the nearest clock and noticed two odd things. First and by far the scariest was that the time was now 3:33 am. I mentioned earlier that my wife was intelligent enough not to believe in the supernatural but I never said I was that intelligent. I’m a scientist sure so I suffer from crippling rational thinking sometimes. But, sometimes rational thinking leads to a belief in the supernatural. It’s only rational to believe if the dead go somewhere when they die “something” has to make sure they get where they are going or make sure they don’t stick around here in the world of the living. In case you don’t know what i’m hinting at 3:33 am is supposed to be the “witching hour”. It has something to do with the devil’s perversion of God’s holy number and so on and such. I didn’t say I believed in that nonsense specifically but it it creepy that I tend to wake up from nightmares at that exact time of the supposed "witching hour". But to stop me from getting further distracted telling the story I’ll skip to the part about the other thing I noticed that was off. You know aside from the fact that I seemed to have traveled back in time to the “satanic hour” but that will make since later. I noticed the case of cup cakes my wife was supposed to deliver tomorrow were gone from the kitchen. I didn’t eat them and she certainly didn’t have time to deliver them as she was busy being asleep…I rush upstairs as I had totally let my wife down in my husband duties to protect her because I had completely forgotten I was also looking for her. I get to our bedroom and duck down while crossing the doorframe (just in case) and when I pop my head back up I see my wife is fast asleep, looking peaceful and graceful as ever but most importantly not disturbed by the alarm going off nor me jumping out of bed nor…She wasn’t there before. I know this for sure. The only way she could have gotten back in the room was if she stepped over my unconscious body to get back to bed. One: that would be incredibly rude, and two: that would mean I did indeed knock myself unconscious. That still didn’t explain the whole time-shift thing but then I looked back at my clock and it was 4:35 am. Somehow either three minutes have passed or time went backwards nearly and hour and I then spent nearly the next hour staring at the lack up cupcakes on the counter and walking back up the stairs. If it takes that long for me to get up the stairs I think it is time I talk to my wife about getting me a stair lift. You know I heard those things take a minute and a half just to climb a single story of stairs, pathetic! Anyway, I mentioned I’m a scientist and am completely rational so I subscribe to the philosophical concept of the razor. It’s the idea that when there are two competing theories the one that is the simplest, that is the one with the least assumptions, is the correct answer. So now I’m suddenly and completely convinced that the clock in the kitchen had not been set correctly and I did indeed only waste three minutes of my time. I’ll check in the morning and I’ll ask my wife about those darn cupcakes. Morning comes quickly, as it always seems to do and tonight is halloween. I told my wife it would be nice to bake cupcakes for trick-or-treaters but she mentions something about razor blades being hidden in treats when she was a kid so parents would not go for that nowadays. I casually slip in the fact that the cupcakes she was supposed to deliver today were missing and she assures me she is superwoman and managed to get them delivered already. I never got around to get her to specifying when exactly she delivered them but you know how wives can be sometimes…especially when they have something planned for you to do with your time. She handed me a list of chores to do and heavily insisted that I spend my time doing errands around the house rather than shopping online for last minute halloween discount sales. She knows me too well. It’s too late to order a costume online so she knew I would really be cosplay shopping. I’m not one of those kinda nerds who spend hundreds or even thousands on a costume. I wait ever so patiently even if it is for months or years for the right combination of parts to go on sale and then I pounce on it. That’s how I got one for those skin-tight full body suits for twenty bucks one year. Maybe that’s why patience is a virtue. I proceed to pulling out my list of things to do today while pocketing my wife's list without even looking at it. I already know what it says -or at least have a great deal of certainty on what could be on there. If it was really important she would of told me face-to-face rather than burying it in a list. That and the fact that if I actually take time to finish the list my reward will be yet another list. Sigh… I love my wife, I swear but where do women get this notion that men need lists? I say this, but I also realize somehow I’m online and searching discount halloween costumes. Dang it. So I proceed to spend the majority of my off day running her (or is it “our”) errands. I get back late just in time for a once hot but now cold supper and proceed to start my evening checklist before winding down and heading to bed. Really what that meant was checking some door locks and then squeezing in one or two episodes of something on Netflix while simultaneously depriving myself of one or two hours of much needed sleep. Somehow I managed to not actually do any of my nightly checklists but I did manage to squeeze in watching Ouija: Origins of Evil and the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I actually was pretty tiered after that and kinda feeling edgy after watching two horror movies on halloween night. I told you already, I don’t believe in all the supernatural so the movie about the Ouija board didn’t keep me up at night but the fears of stopping at a crazy town small off the highway to fill up for gas and finding it full of chainsaw wielding murderers is more disconcerting. Especially after running across some super sketchy sales people outside a gas station... in the middle of nowhere while on a road trip by myself. Okay, it seemed almost kinda legit until they smiled and I realized all of their teeth were rotten and there were no witnesses around and I easily could of been robbed or attacked or worse…As soon as I saw their rotten teeth I realized no legitimate company would hire them so I talked myself out of the situation and got in my car and left quite hastily. I only stopped in major cities after that. So obviously I was primed for some night frights (by filling my head with horror scenes right before bedtime) but my wife left me a little shell more shocked than I expected from what happened later that night. I’ll chalk it up to excitement because I don’t actually remember when I went to bed or when I set the alarm or if I brushed my teeth…first world problems I know. But once again at 4:23 am the alarm woke me up blaring its siren. And once again my wife was not in bed. This time her spot was eerily cold and something like a darkness seemed to fill the room. It took much longer to clear the fogginess from my head -well to clear it enough for me to get out of bed and investigate…and I’m not even sure the fogginess even completely cleared. That fogginess seemed to translate somehow to a physical fog that hovered only a few inches above the ground and only came up to my shins. I quickly realized my bladder was full and had to rush to the connected bathroom. While relieving myself I noticed the todo list my wife had given me earlier. It was unfolded and on the bathroom counter not too far a distance from my jeans which were sprawled on the bathroom floor. Something like steam seemed to dance along the surface of the mirror, distinctly different from the fog along the floor. I glanced back to the list and noticed the last item on the list which said “come and see me tonight”. My mind immediately went to something sensual but when I remembered the cold indentation of her left in the bed and the dark presence a sinking feeling came over my body and I shuddered. I thought back to the clock that seemed to be off by an hour the other night and thought maybe I should head to the kitchen. I ducked while walking under the doorway and headed that way. What I saw simultaneously terrified me and relieved me at the same time.

When I say relieved I mean when I saw my wife my bowels left my intestines and into my pajama bottoms. She was in the walk-in kitchen pantry with the largest kitchen knife in her left hand and her right hand pressed to the chest of some creature. This entity had the head of a rat, the body of a roach, and the legs of a dear…and her hand was glowing -alternating between yellow, orange, and red and was sinking deeper and deeper into the creature. Next thing you know some sort of ash was crumpling down from the place my wife’s hand was on the creature and this powder was coming from the creature…When it reached the cold floor it started to sublimate, essentially boiling and that was causing the fog that floated all through the house. I proceeded to soil myself for a second time and them my bladder soiled me immediately after that. My wife was slaying some sort of demon. She yelled something in a foreign language directly in my direction and my world seemed to slow and my ears started to ring and all the sound around me seemed to muffle. The creature had exploded and left thick tar all over the walls in our pantry. Damn. I really wanted some crackers after my intestines emptied so suddenly. Really, I need a shower and maybe that was what my wife was yelling to me. Next thing I know I have a perspective of the ceiling and my back was on the floor. My wife rushed over to me and proceeded to do more yelling in the foreign language, but the sound was still muffled. When I didn’t respond she placed her fingers, both hands now glowing into my ear canals. Immediately I could hear perfectly and she seemed to be speaking normally now. She said ‘join me”. She helped me sit up and after a few moments I was able to stand to my feet. I noticed what I thought was a knife earlier was a machete and she handed it to me. In all the confusion the only thing I managed to say was “the cupcakes”? She nodded and confirmed my suspicions…she wasn’t as good a salesperson as I thought. Or more accurately she was way better than anyone would believe, the deal is that she didn’t have as big a traditional audience as I was lead to believe. She hadn’t been selling all of her cupcakes to humans. That roach deer wasn’t from this plane but it sure loved cupcakes. Apparently, it didn’t have exact change and my wife was less a “salesperson” in this other plane and more of a mob boss. She don’t take no nonsense. Some other creature appeared in the pantry doorway but she quickly gave it the “just a moment” hand signal and I realized they must have been working together. This creature had the face of an ant but the body of a javelina, yet it walked on two legs. And not surprisingly had frosting on its lips. Guess another fan of hers, great. She asked me if I wanted to help her and even though I didn’t respond I followed her.

We walked to pantry and she instructed me to cough up phlegm and spit it on my left shoulder. She then sucked it up and spit it back out on my right shoulder. I sucked that up and spit it on her left shoulder and her friend sucked it up and spit it back on her right shoulder. The pantry seemed to shake and boxes of food fell off the shelf. The pantry darkened but then lightened up only halfway. The room shook again and the room darkened even more but lightened up on a fraction of the original amount. My wife opened up the pantry door which had swung shut at some point and it seemed like we were still in our kitchen. Except, it was darker than usual, like twice as dark as it normally was when there were no lights on. My wife saw my bewilderment and said, “when you travel among the planes the light only moves in one direction. So it is not a bright. We don’t have much time before all the light from this period is gone... and we must find HIM before it realizes we killed its bother. We certainly didn't die -because I'm sitting here writing this story... but oh hell..that was one crazy night.