Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26966435-20150907155228/@comment-26967454-20150907192258

Ok, so, this is ok. It has some potential, but there are a few major flaws. This is supposed to be first person, right? The way you make it sound in the beginning, it sounds like she already experienced this. So, if she was telling this story, why would she end of at "Found You." I suggest you switch the point of view to third person, as there are some things that the narrarator wouldn't know. Also, it would make the ending more understandable. Also, the whole concept with the little girl with blood is hurtfully cliche. I suggest maybe going for a simple gender switch. Creepy boys have the potential to scare like Creepy Girls. Also, the general use of blood is a little cliche. Her whole dress being covered in blood is a tad bit overboard.

The narrarator, they're a little too care free. I would be a tad bit concerned if some girl called me. As a normal person, they shouldn't assume it was a friend. Perhaps they're worried or concerned for the girl. They try to find her to help her only to discover she's much more worse than they thought. Then, they try to go to her but the girl runs off. The house starts echoing with her counting down from 10, the narrarator panicking. I don't know, it's just a suggestion.

Some of the grammar in this story needs work. You need to make sure you capitalize all the personal i's. Someone of the sentences are runons and don't make sense. You should proofread everything and make sure it makes sense. I understand how you can write something amazing in your head. But, sometimes that always doesn't translate into paper.

Don't take this the wrong way. This isn't a roast, or me just being mean. I'm giving you some constructive critisicm so you can improve on your writing and make even better future works!

~Murder by Malice