Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25073641-20160228125651/@comment-26572345-20160302211702

I found myself getting really engrossed with this story, I particularly liked how vague the circumstances of the Tidelock are at the moment and how all the perspectives are partially interconnected. I'd be really eager to read a finalised version of this, best of luck if you do get around to doing so.

All in all, the writing is pretty solid but I do feel there are a couple of sentences that look a little bit dodgy to me.

"Since that day, [Esmerelda Gonzales] was never found again".

This statement is quickly proven false, even given the nonsequiteur nature of the story. Something along the lines of "She would never see her wife again", provides an element of truth and trajedy at the same time.

"At best he knew that no voyeuristic eyes were peeping at him secretly (?). He could touch himself with absolute intimacy and get away with it without a pair of manic eyeballs finding him".

I think voyeuristic should apply to something personified rather than just eyes; that and referring to the onlookers as "voyeuristic creeps" would allow you to have something "one or more pairs of unwelcome eager eyes", in place rather than the clumsy "manic eyeballs".

This may just be another small gripe of mine, but I don't particularly like the use of ellipses (...). It looks like an attempt to form tension and mystery and I personally think that the story would work better without them.

With all that said, still really eager to see where this story develops. Hope you get the critique and insight you're after. Hear from you soon, mate.