Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26416562-20150605200508/@comment-26487831-20150613090658

OK, so you asked me to help you with some grammar correction. I notice some other people have already had a crack at the story, but I'm going to post the problems I noticed neverthless, some of which I don't believe were mentioned before.

1 Seeing people die in front of your eyes, I would have never dreamed of it, but I saw it though. (Get rid of “though”. It serves the same function as "but")

2 I spoke to my doctor for more information on my case, and he had said the next head injury I might receive might cause paranoia, hallucination, and amnesia. (Maybe just make it “My doctor told me” ; get rid of the second “might”)

3 My doctor called me the next morning.He (Needs a space)

4 had said, another head injury would result in amnesia. (Comma doesn't belong here)

5 I took on a new job in the field of geography. I actually found it interesting to look at different parts of the Earth. All thanks to the University Of Wisconsin for letting me perfect the art. (This is an awkward sequence. Consider revising.)

6 This was a great new opportunity in my life, all thanks to The University Of Wisconson. (Are you advertising the University of Wisconsin here or something? XD Also, Wisconsin is spelt wrong.)

7 After a while, I had found out this trip would be awesome and adventurous. (Awkward phrase, consider revising)

8 The van hit the water. Not before I heard the terrified screams of everyone around me. (These phrases confuse me. Do you mean to say, “not long before?”)

9 I realized how lucky I was to endure such a hardship. (Awkward phrase in this context. Maybe just a “I realized how lucky I was to survive” would work better?)

10 When I surfaced, I had taken a look around. (Should be “I took a look around”. Awkward passive voice use.)

11 While I ate, I had taken note of the building I was in. (should be ”I took note”. Avoid “I had (verb)” phrases as often as possible. They can be kind of cumbersome.)

12 I had forgotten everything up to that point. (This however is an example where it DOES work, because it describes an action that – at that moment in the story – happened before. But if something happens as the story is happening, you should you the active verb (“I took not instead of I had taken note”, for example) I hope this makes sense.)

13 and he said he would try.He had (Needs a space)

14 Apparently, his name is Jeffrey. I’m lucky that he speaks English. (Is this a result of the character's head trauma? It's kind of jarring that you refer to him by name before he introduces himself. I know the narrator is telling it after the fact, but to keep us involved in the story, maybe just refer to Jeffery as “that man” before he introduces himself to us.)



As for comentary on the content of the story itself: I thought it was pretty interesting. Though the grammatical and syntactical errors were distracting, your story about the ambiguities involved in living with a mental disorder like amnesia did shine through. The thought of being alone somewhere, while suffering from some mental problem, is terrifying, because in these scenerios it's your own mind that becomes your greatest antagonist, and I think everyone can appreciate the horror of losing your grip on reality, mental illness or no.

<p class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm">These kinds of stories are effective because they remind us that what we see isn't necessarily what is; the world we percieve is a product of our mammilian brains organizing the matter of the universe in a way that is comprehensible and useful to us. Hallucination just push this to an extreme because, really, they do exist - to our minds. Just not to other minds. But if you're genuinely convinced that something is the case, whether by delusion or arrogance, you're not likely going to distrust yourself, what you've seen with your own eyes. And if you do, you start to doubt not only the illusion, but everything. Your whole life falls apart. Ooh, now that's spooky. :0

<p class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm">So yeah, I'm quite fond of the theme you chose. Keep up the good work. ;D Keep writing! Maybe take the best parts of this story and use it to construct others. There's still a lot of unmined potential in these ideas, so don't miss out on the chance to use them!