Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27932605-20161016133328/@comment-28266772-20161020140105

 I have a very curious daughter named Elizabeth. My five year old loves to read stories, especially scary stories. I don't really know why but she just loves suspense and monsters, unlike most of [delete; of] children. I guess she might've got it from me, a true horror-lover.

 I have to tell her a scary story before bed time. It's my schedule. Whether they be [are] of [about] a clown ghost or just a giant spider, she just needs them before drifting off to sleep. I was running out of tales to tell so I bought some scary children's books one day to get some inspiration.

 The bookstore was near my office, so I decided to make the most of it and just buy some good reads. I bought a book called "The Analie". I was allured from [by] its wonderfully-drawn cover of a rocking chair. It might've been for its cute design. Yes, by its cover. [those last two sentences are confusing]

 When I went back home, I brought the book to Eliza. She was so delighted that I think that that [just one ‘that’ will do] night was her happiest. She quickly grabbed the book by hand and ran upstairs to her room. She kept shouting, "Story! Story!".

 I ran upstairs, smiling. I went to her bedroom spontaneously [spontaneously is not the right word here]. She was under her pink covers with a face of pure excitement. I put a stool beside her bed, so that when storytime comes [came], I'll [I would] sit there and read to her. I sat there, looking at her innocent face. I grinned and remembered myself when I was her age.

 I opened "The Analie". Below is the first fifteen pages. It was noticably a children's book. Having only about 6 words per fully illustrated page.

 "There was a woman named Analie." - Page 1.

 "Analie is a very tall girl."

 "She has no hair."

 "Her face didn't move."

 "Yuck! The children said to her"

 "The children threw rocks at her."

 "She cried with her wounded face."

 "Her eyes were all black."

 "Her mouth was so red."

 "She had no expression." I started then to read this with a confused glare. I grabbed the bookf [book] and read it all by myself. She asked why, I replied, "Sorry, this was not supposed to be the scary book."

<p class="MsoNormal">' [You should make it clear what happens from here; is she still reading the book to the girl? Or is this just something that only we, the audience, are able to hear?] '

<p class="MsoNormal"> "From that day on," The illustrations, from here, [I don’t think ‘from here’ is necessary] now looked real. [this should be on one line… I think] "she comes to houses every night." The illustration in this place was a hanged brunette child, a boy probably in his [probably around eight to ten] 8-10s.

<p class="MsoNormal"> "To try to get children's faces." It showed a disattached [detached] face of a young blonde-haired girl.

<p class="MsoNormal"> "To put it on hers." It showed probably [no ‘probably’] the woman depicted before, Analie, smiling with blood gushing from her mouth.

<p class="MsoNormal"> "She die" - Page 15. No illustrations.

<p class="MsoNormal"> There were no more pages continuing [after] that. Just dark colored [what colour?] papers. But at the very end of the book, there were some words written, probably vandalized. The words were unsettling. "Kael Zuek Zuek ZUEK".

<p class="MsoNormal"> I was so horrified. So horrified. [unnecessary repetition] I carried the book [where?}. I apologized to my daughter. I told and [‘told and’ is unnecessary] kissed her good night. I went into my room, shaken. I decided to bring the book back to that wretched book store. I couldn't believe they would sell this. Maybe it was a mistake. For a book to be showing REAL images of CORPSES [use italics to emphasise a word, not all caps], this is [was not ‘this is’] just traumatizing. Think about the effect on my daughter [that last sentence is a fragment].

<p class="MsoNormal"> I decided to take a shower to relieve myself. I felt like a huge part of me was taken away. I am a big fan of horror and gore, but not real corpses. I reassured myself that every illustration/image was fake. All staged. But it's [it was] too gorey to be in a children's book. Probably it's [It was probably] not intended for children.

<p class="MsoNormal"> The next morning, I brought "The Analie" to the bookstore. I drove to the bookstore right after I readied for work. I parked near. When I was walking close to the shop, I noticed a hanging sign. It, surprisingly, [why is it surprising?] was closed.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I took the book with me and drove to the office, disappointed. I was driving alone in my car, when I noticed a woman in the back seat. It was only for a glimpse. And then I saw a decapitated body, a woman, beside me. She disappeared again. Then suddenly, a [the] corpse of a very young girl, which strangely looks [looked] very much like Eliza, sat beside me. She looked at me eerily and smiled. She continued to open her mouth until her facial muscles cracked. She continued that [with] her face slightly deformed, her checks [cheeks] starting to wound [to wound is to hurt to something, not to be hurt; the word is incorrectly used here]. Some blood was gushing from her face, splattering [splattering what?]. The skin was so stretched, [no comma] it broke and tore. The muscles were starting to get [become] visible. She didn't scream. But when her face gave a loud crack [gave a loud crack is an awkward piece of wording], she started to cry.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I couldn't help myself. I needed to help the girl. I quickly grabbed her, by the shoulders, so that she would stop grinning extremely. When we both made contact, she suddenly turned to Analie. That disfigured bald woman. She screamed at me.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I was horrified and shocked and I suddenly lost control of the car. I was splattered with blood. Not the usual reddish blood, but now [no need for ‘now’] with black blood. It was mostly black [is this sentence really useful?]. It smelled so horrible. She put her mouth closer to my ear, "Don't take it against me." Everything stopped.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I eventually got control of my car. Surprisingly, nothing happened. Nothing changed. I was neat and clean. It's [It was] like I turned back time. I turned on the radio to calm myself. Distraught, I resorted to the news. I hyperventilated and calmed myself. I breathed too [so] fast even my prayers were inaudible.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I figured not to go to work that time. I needed rest. My daughter's [was] in school that time [‘that time’ is awkward]. I felt that I needed to either go to the nearest hospital, or to just rest in my house. But I decided to go to the hospital. No, I can't be alone with myself at my house. I'd rather stay in a hospital and wait. [you changed tense during those last two sentences]

<p class="MsoNormal"> I just decided to go to work [didn’t she just decide to go to work?]. I rushed to the cubicles. I sat on my office chair in front of my metal desk. I opened my laptop when the lights went off. I realized that it was not on purpose. I saw my cubicle in the middle of a dark room with a ceiling light directly above me. Everything was dark, so dark.

<p class="MsoNormal"> A person appeared beside me, it was some sort of a bird. A bird with human skin and feet. It grew to a naked man with a bird beak. He lashed towards me and wounded my chest with his sharp fingers. I just cried and hoped everything would stop. [this section feels rushed] I just want [wanted] to go home that time.

<p class="MsoNormal"> The bird figure was so tall. He was disfigured. His stomach opened and from that the [no ‘the’] my daughter's head fell. I couldn't scream. I couldn't move. The head of Elize [Eliza] rolled past me, to [no comma; into] the darkness.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Then the "Analie" suddenly appeared. She was beside me, gripping my neck with her nail-less hands. She whispered close to my ear with her mannequin-like, expressionless face. "Kael Zuek, Zuek, Zuek." She kissed my ear and bit it. She hysterically laughed and position herself in front of me. She knelt, glaring at me with her emotionless eyes. Her mouth was moving, but not to the words that she was speaking.

<p class="MsoNormal"> "You're daughter's face is so beautiful."

<p class="MsoNormal"> She spoke that words with no hesitation. Her voice sounded so ghastly, much like a man's voice, shrieking. She smiled but her eyes were just still. She looked like a robot but very human-like [that feels like a strange contradiction which isn’t justified].

<p class="MsoNormal"> I woke up in my bed, only to be dreaming. This is so cliche, [cliché] but yes. I was only dreaming. But everything was so real, so defined. I quickly ran to my daughter's room. I saw my daughter sitting down on her bed facing the opposite from the door.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I ran to hug her. I embraced her dearly. I felt blood in my hands. Dripping red blood. I looked at my daughter's face and saw cuts near her ear and her forehead. Deep cuts. She was alive but she can't [couldn’t] say anything. I also saw stitches attached near the wounds. I couldn't help myself but scream.

<p class="MsoNormal"> From that day on, we moved houses. I moved far, absolutely very far. From North Carolina to New York. In the suburbs. I was brought to the life of piety and prayer, I became a charity worker. I raised my daughter into sisterhood.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -

<p class="MsoNormal"> Mechanical issues – wording is the major problem. I think you need to gain a more in-depth understanding of English in order to move forward with fiction writing.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Style issues – your style is mainly hampered by the poor choice of words in a lot of the sentences.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Plot issues – this was an interesting idea that, for the most part, I thought was worth reading. However, I didn’t really appreciate the ending. Not only did it feel rushed but it wasn’t even clear what happened – did Eliza no longer have her face? If so how did she possibly survive?