Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28871469-20161002153105/@comment-28266772-20161003142944

Annotated story below:

Author's POV 20 years ago: '[This isn’t the right way to present a first person narrative. Just write the story and find another simple way to convey the passage of time]'

Darkness met my eyes as I awoke. A noise had gotten my attention. As I carefully listened for the sound, i [I] heard a Laugh [laugh]. The laugh didn't sound human though, it sounded more threatening than a simple person giggling. I got up and looked out the window, at first I didn't see anything in particular but when I looked down I saw a cub laying submissively on the ground as I stared at it.

As I scanned the cub's appearance I realized it was a hyena cub, I wanted to ignore it and go back to bed but I couldn't let the poor thing die. So I picked up the cub carefully lifting it up as I brought it into my house, the poor thing looked tired and hungry. So I went over to my fridge. Searching around I found some chicken left over from yesterday's meal. I brought it over and soon enough the little predator gobbled it all up.

I started walking into my living room. As [As] I walked the little cub jumped from the counter and followed me jumping [repetition] onto my lap as I collapsed onto the sofa. It curled up on my lap [repetition] as I smiled [.] "good [Good] boy [comma/fullstop] I think I'll call you...." I thought to myself as I tried to think of a name [fullstop] finally [Finally] it hit me [comma] "Edward or Ed for short [.]" as [As] a kid the character Ed from the lion king was my favourite. Always making me laugh from his silly antics, besides the cub looked a lot like him. His ears were slightly cut and his tongue stuck out his mouth whenever he noticed me approaching him.

Ed yawned as he shut his eyes. I decided to hit the hay as well.

Author's POV - 10 years ago: [Yeah like, honestly, just ‘ten years later’ would do]

Those were the days but sadly he had to grow up. I received a call from a zoo who told me a hyena cub had escaped from his cage. '[why has the zoo called him specifically? Why have they called ten years later? I assumed this story was set in Africa but if not then why did this guy take and raise a dangerous animal without once thinking about the implications? Why has no one raised the issue of a massive predator living like a pet like say… a neighbour?] I looked down at Ed now a fully grown hyena as [and not ‘as’] he looked at me confused as to why I was looking [repetition of ‘look’] 'at him like that. I got to my knees and spoke to him[comma/ ne speaker new line] "Ed, I don't know how to say this but you have to go now" Ed whimpered in sadness as he understood what that meant. I felt tears roll down my face as I opened the door motioning Ed to follow me to the car.

As I drove he scratched at the doors. I knew what he was trying to tell me, he wanted to go back home to where he was brought up. But I knew he couldn't stay with me forever, as I parked my car near the zoo. I sighed "I know you're upset about this and so am I but it's for the best [.]" we [We] got out of the car walking to the zoo gates. As they prepared to take him to the cage, I gave him a hug [.] "don't [Don’t] worry I'll visit I promise"

Author's son POV - present:

My dad was right about that he did see Ed again. [awkward wording] Well sort of, the stress of Ed being caged up forever [well it wasn’t forever considering he spent 10 years with the dad] took a turn on him for the worst [awkward wording; also clarify who the ‘he’ is, I thought the damned hyena had a drinking problem at first]. He started drinking, trying to get over the stress of Ed but what happened next took a real turn on him.

News report:

"A hyena has been tragically killed, cause of death? He had to be put to sleep, the reason? He had a severe pain in his leg. [no news report is written like this] Caused from a [an] attack from [by] another hyena which had to be shot to prevent further damage to the [which?] animal. Ed as he was called by his original owner had been found near his house, he was looked after and cared for as a cub [.] I'm pretty sure the owner is very sad [said no news report ever]".

[Find a better way to work the news report into this story]

Dad ran off into the kitchen and without a second thought grabbed a knife, and slit his throat with it as he fell to the floor. [most men commit suicide by overdose or self-inflicted gunshot wound – this is a deeply inauthentic approach to suicide] I heard my mother scream with terror as blood gushed from dad's body staining the whole kitchen floor in his dying [not sure you need dying, also the second use of blood is repetitive] blood.

And with his final words [he] said [,]

"Ed, I'm coming"

Burial: '[you don’t need to preface the last sentence with ‘burial’ like this. Take it out and it still makes sense.]'

<p class="MsoNormal">The next day my dad was buried with Ed and although I was sad I knew he'd be happy to see his favourite hyena.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – plenty. Use a spellchecker. Either MS word or spellcheck.net.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – so the first section is actually pretty good but it’s clear that you rushed everything that came afterwards. Yeah sure some of the wording is awkward but the imagery is natural enough to be believable as the hyena hops from counter to counter before landing on the owner’s lap. Other than that you need to work on your wording; it’s unnatural and stunted and not really… there. Reading is the best remedy for that problem.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – already covered.

<p class="MsoNormal">Oh and one more thing... users can click the word 'Kudos' and see who liked a specific post. So if someone gave a kudos to their own post it would painfully obvious...