Talk:Insula/@comment-26425680-20180109050806

Very nice read, indeed. You did a terrific job pacing the story and developing all of your characters. I dare say that as far as those two aspects go, you hit all the right marks at all the right points. The insect creatures, who come together as a single unit, are a refreshing take on the typical movie-monster cliché. There’s a lot more that can be explored in regards to their origin and intentions, and in this entire universe as well.

As far as the plot goes, it’s somewhat formulaic, and seems to be inspired by countless horror films from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, with Alien being the most obvious example. Now, there’s nothing wrong with following a formula – after all, the reason these formulas exist in the first place is because they work! Still, it’s always nice to see some molds get broken here and there, and with the exception of your monster, this story doesn’t really do that.

As far as the writing itself is concerned, I was actually going to get on your case about being unnecessarily descriptive, but the passages I was going to cite as exhibits A and B were fixed (by you) before I had a chance to complete this review. So score one for Vngel! For the record, the two passages I’m referring to are the one in which you described the three levels of the SAF and the one in which you described what the “RE” code means. Case in point, even though you eventually fixed them on your own, you show a tendency to overly-describe things that don’t really impact on the action... but you seem to be already aware of this so I’ll just shut up and move on.

Now on to the nitpicks – in chapter five, when Aloe is talking to Eri, she wonders to herself, ''“The Cargo Bay? What was she doing down there?”'' I’ll admit that I upon my first read-through misread this as a spoken statement and not a thought, which confused me when she actually spoke in the next paragraph. Technically it’s correct how you have it, since it’s not in quotes, but the tit-for-tat nature of spoken dialogue threw me off because I was expecting her to speak. Might I suggest you either A) rework this conversation, or B) italicize that phrase so it’s clear that she’s not speaking it aloud (and I understand the irony of me telling you to italicize something when someone else already told you you did it too much).

And I have to ask, what’s with the constant capitalization of common nouns? This is one of those things that didn’t really detract from the story, but had me curious by the end. Ascender, cargo bay, caller – those are just some of the examples. You seem to be pretty consistent with this when referring to parts of the ship or technology, not sure why though.

All-in-all, you’ve written a highly enjoyable novella that, even with some flaws, lays the groundwork for even more fascinating stories that can take place in this universe.