Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33904527-20190126163425/@comment-33904527-20190126215320

DrBobSmith wrote: Hi!

English - generally far above average. It was refreshing to see a first draft post here that only had a handful of issues.

You seem to be using UK spelling rules. Is that deliberate? Yet you say "This isn’t just the US, Daniel."

Errors:

“I’m going to do it.” Daniel said slowly. (Needs comma where first period is)

Moon landing was a hoax? (The moon landing ... missing determiner.)

Mostly, we just looked. Long list of government websites you were trying to hack. (Needs a determiner. I'd phrase it as "Mostly, we just looked at the long ...)

Story:

I don't get it. The nobody would be hacker guy from Wyoming is mysteriously given the opportunity to learn all that truth that's out there, Fox Mulder's wet dream. The woman who offers it commits suicide. All the workers at the site do. So he broadcasts from this miracle computer to all screens. Why do they give him the choice to destroy the world? If you believe it will destroy the world, you're playing Russian Roulette with half the chambers loaded. Of course, a hacker will disclose. What is the profit to them? To find an excuse to commit suicide? Why do they commit suicide? They already know that the Queen of England really is a giant lizard. So why die over it?

Maybe I am missing something, but if I am then I think others will miss it too. Firstly, the story is meant to be in American English. I am from the UK, so any UK spellings are just out of habit. I'll try and rectify them accordingly.

Secondly, the idea is that the option to leak the confidential stuff is part of the initiation process of joining Erin and the rest of the workers. They have to take the risk that someone will eventually end up leaking the info so that they can have more people. If Daniel was forced to work for them, he might one day grow tired of perpetually guarding the secrets and end up wanting to leak them anyway.

Basically, it's just their allegedly fool-proof way of making sure people who decide to work for the government never disobey. If someone truly wanted to leak the info, why wouldn't they have leaked it when they had the chance?

Erin and the workers commit suicide so they don't have to be held accountable by the public for what they've done, the same reason why Daniel ultimately commits suicide too.

Daniel is blinded by his idea that leaking the info will make him a hero, which is why he actually ends up doing it. But, of course, he realises that the secrets can only do more harm than good when he sees the corpses.

So, really, the whole message of the story is that sometimes we are better off not knowing certain things.

I understand that the points I've made above aren't exactly very clear in the story, so I'll let you know when I finish editing them in.