Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29639800-20160816185757/@comment-28266772-20160817142527

Apparently, a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder is imagining horrible scenarios of things that could happen in the future or could have happened in the past. In my experience, the scenarios in my mind don’t make me feel any fear. They don’t make me feel any emotion at all. They’re just there. In my mind.

For me, they’re usually about my ex­boyfriend, Alex. He abused me when we were together and bullied me after we broke up. The scenarios are sometimes about him stalking me, other times about him kidnapping and torturing me, other times about him cornering me in the school bathroom and sexually assaulting me......you [While it’s not set in stone a good conventional standard for ellipses is three dots and a space i.e. ‘assaulting me… You get the point.’] get the point.

Of course, none of these would ever actually happen. Alex hates me. He wants nothing to do with me. I guess some of the scenarios in my head are sort of fantasies of me getting his attention.

That’s another symptom of BPD: obsessive emotional attachment [extra space]. And, as is made obvious by what I just said, I am somewhat of a masochist. It worked pretty well with him, considering his aggressive behavior. It got to a point, though, where other people said it was emotionally unhealthy and told me I was being abused. To be honest, I don’t care if he was abusing me. I still am [this is a suggestion but this sentence reads awkwardly – I’d recommend writing “I am still” as opposed to “I still am”] completely in love with him. I just want his attention. Sometimes the fantasies turn into things I could do to him. Sometimes it’s about revenge, but most of the time it involves me taking him all to myself. After all, I never liked losing what was mine. I was a child who didn’t like losing my toys, and once I lost one, nothing could replace it. I think you get my point here. [this last sentence feels weak]

I still think about things I never got from him. He wanted to have sex with me at one point, you know. Of course, at the last minute he decided against it. I’ve read a million times that it’s “rapist behavior” to feel entitled to someone else’s body, but I just can’t help it. When someone promises me something, I don’t let them go back on their word. I think about sex with him. I admit it. I think about it obsessively sometimes. I spent so long waiting for something I never got, despite the fact that it was promised to me. Even now, as I watch him through the window, I know I still want him. Sometimes, you just have to make people do what you want.

As for the title? My BPD has nothing to do with my obsession with Alex. I just really, really love him [full-stop]

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1) Mechanical issues – few if none at all. Your writing is functional with no major, or recurring errors. This is a refreshing change for me.

2) Style issues – So I feel as though this character has a reasonably well defined voice. They use repetition, qualifiers, and ‘distancing language’ to create a cohesive sense of character and I like that. The style and voice is executed well. But…

3) Plot issues – So as Jay mentioned in the deletion appeal (was it Jay? Might have been Empy I can’t remember) this story suffered because of an underdeveloped plot. All there really is to it is the narrator and their thoughts on a relatively static picture. There’s no movement, or even narrative. The narrator starts and ends the story in the window watching the ex. And whereas I feel like you had a lot of potential to give this story substance via the unreliable narrator you don’t actually do much beyond stating their dysfunctional thought process.

I think that’s a wasted opportunity. You could do more than just have the narrator tell us their account of events, but could actually have them show us their dysfunctional thoughts in action. Have you ever heard someone say something and immediately thought, “that’s not what actually happened. They’re clearly lying.” That’s the sort of feeling that I mean, where the narrator relays to us certain events in a manner that it becomes immediately clear that something is wrong with the account. This might include discrepancies, or even just unrealistic behavior or idealized versions of events. As it is you just have them state that they were abused and have us trail, slowly, from “my ex was a bastard” to “Ima rape him so hard”. I might be inclined to ask, “was the ex ever really abusive?” but I don’t feel like the story is pushing me towards that conclusion. Or if it is it’s not doing it with any vigour.

 So in conclusion – you do a good job of using stylistic choices to develop a believable character, but the scene and sequence of events you put them through aren’t particularly original. Furthermore the story never elevates itself beyond the basic components of ‘character’ + ‘plot’, and considering that the plot is paper thin it means there’s very little to actually… hold onto.

 So where to now?

 Well you’re clearly competent and it’d be nice to see more of your work on the wikia (is what I’d usually say). But in this instance you’ve uploaded a shit load of stories in a very short space of time. This won’t help you progress effectively. I cannot recommend enough that you bring your next story here to get in-depth feedback and avoid the process of throwing your hard drive’s contents against the wall to see what sticks. This wikia is an active community filled with very talented writers – it’d be a shame to waste that. Take the time out and work on a few stories for a lot longer, and get as much feedback as you can. You’ll find your stories improve significantly. As it is many of the issues here are present in your other stories as well.

 Take “I miss being twelve” as an example – it too suffers from a similar lack of balance between plot and characters. The characters are very well developed but the plot is so vague that I noticed Cleric actually removed some of your categories! While I personally read the villains to be some sort of supernatural demons who sucked poor Luccas’ soul out as a source of energy, it’s still interesting to point out that Cleric didn’t. I feel like this is simply because there isn’t enough information, or plot development, for anyone to develop a reliable interpretation of the events.

 In contrast consider “The Truth of Human Nature” – the plot in that is much more concrete. It makes sense and follows a logical order of events. That’s a good standard to consider when writing in the future.

<p class="MsoNormal"> So I hope to see more of your work in the future (I imagine I will if you continue to post at your current rate), but to get the most out of this wikia I recommend you engage a bit more with the workshop.