Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33001998-20170925032602/@comment-33001998-20170925154423

Thanks for taking your time to give me feedback on this. I'll fix the grammar and sentence structure stuff and put another draft here. Since you didn't understand my intentions for the twist at the end, it must mean that I didn't lay it out well enough. The twist is supposed to be that Wynonna is taken in for murders she didn't commit. What actually happened is that the person doing the break-ins (mentioned at the beginning) had been scouting the neighborhood and found the Masons didn't lock their windows. He comes into the house to take some things. He finds Wynonna's pocket knife in the house as he looks around the living room area and afterward moves on to the bedrooms. He finds Wynonna's bedroom locked  ("She told me that she had heard a weird noise outside her door the night before and thought she heard someone trying to open her door.") and moves on to the parents' bedroom. He accidentally wakes up the little brother and cannot do anything about it, so he kills the boy then he kills the father and the mother and hopes the person in the other room didn't hear any of that. The guy then grabs some valuables and runs off and leaves a note for Wynonna. Wynonna calls the police the next morning after finding her parents and little brother still gone.

Wynonna couldn't have done it because she had thrown and lost her pocket knife the night before. I don't think I specifically stated she lost it so that might be one of the problems.

Another problem might be that the character says the Wynonna is arrested when actually she is just taken in by the police since she can't stay by herself in that house. The police don't even have evidence to suspect Wynonna until the do fingerprints on the pocket knife. The narrator assumes they arrested her because she is taken away by the police and he finds out not long after that she is the prime suspect in the murder. Another problem is that I didn't add the narrator being questioned by the police about it.

They are in middle school because this story kind of plays on the idea of people that you knew in school and then they moved away and you never saw them again and I think that the narrator would see her again if they were closer to adulthood. It's possible Wynonna would even have to move away if they were closer to the end of high school. At the age they are, she would have to be put into some sort of foster care or go under the care of other family.

They are also in middle school because the idea of love is a new thing at that age and by the time your at the end of high school there's less of an innocence to it all.

And I had assigned seats on my school bus at different points throughtout elementary, middle, and high school. So I mean it's at the very least a thing from my school district.

I think I hit all of my points and once I revise some of the errors I'll get another version up here.