Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25112635-20140713190248/@comment-25558572-20140713205225

Alright, my two biggest issue with this story are: 1) It doesn't make sense, and 2) the sentence formatting is awkward.

What was the point of Judith's flashing eyes and the figurine he had in his hand? If that didn't mean anything to the story, then what was the point of including those details? It seemed like an ineffective attempt at making something seem creepy to me. You should try to include something more realistic to make Judith scary- like, a visible bodily deformity, or some issue with his voice, anything like that.

But onto the sentences now. First of all, you should italicize written words that your protagonist is reading (like the notes), and you need to include quotation marks in Judith's first line to indicate they are speaking. Also, try to combine some of your shoter sentences into one- such as "On the third floor of the hospital Judith stood there. A paper blew past Judith and landed near my feet." could easily be merged into one longer sentence.

And finally, the ending, in all honesty, is about as cliche as it gets in creepypasta. If the protagonist died, then how did she record the incident? You really should try to use third-person perspective in creepypastas if you want them to be believable. It takes longer to write, but it has better potential for a genuienly creepypasta.

All in all, this isn't terrible, but definitely needs some revision. Only the ending and the perspective are in really dire need of being changed, but if you can work it out well, this could become a good read.