Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20160210235212/@comment-10789912-20160211091403

Some of the descriptions and details in this simply feel off. A good example being the description of "Clanking Plates", something which is a term already known by anyone that lives in a city, seemingly being described when it really didn't have to be. Another case of this would be a lot of the background characters having completely flat one-word dialogue. They come across as flat and emotionless.

The (what I suppose to be a) soldier's conclusion, especially in identifying the growth of the infection, is completely unrealistic, and done in what would be a time of shock for most, and confusion for others. It seems as if he has been through this sort of thing before, which, mind you, is being told from a character that pretty much exists just so that he could make this description.

As for the description of a Biological-Organic Weapon of Mass Destruction, this would be an extremely ineffective method of warfare. It also misses the science behind fungi. Fungi are decomposers, true, and they do grow in hot areas as well, but they grow in hot and damp areas.

A laser strong enough to slice a human open for examination would not meet this requirement at all, and would, in fact, destroy the fungi and stop growth because of burning and intense heat. Fungi grow in warmth, not temperatures enough to combust them. It also never states what sort of fungi. It's apparently parasitic, or some sort of infector like Cordyceps (which I couldn't help but think while reading this story; thanks, The Last of Us), but it acts like a decomposer, which is a completely different variation of fungi.

Overall, I understand this is a short story, so it has to be lacking in terms of detail when compared to longer ones, but the characters all came across as flat and generic, whilst the plot description felt almost absurdly rushed. I was disappointed with this story, as Doom usually writes good stories as a whole.

I feel as if this story should be turned into a much longer one, as it could then provide the details and character development necessary to make this a more compelling story. If you've ever wanted to write a novella, Doom, let this be your start.

As it stands, I am not a fan of this story, but I see the potential it could have if converted into a longer story, or perhaps even a series (story focusing on Bob and Tracey, another on the Soldier's POV).

I hope I helped in some way by reviewing this story.