Talk:Experiment 84-B/@comment-37138398-20181108125717

Positive first: Loved the concept! Slenderman being a teen that was warped irreversably by a mad scientist is in my mind a great theme of a story. I also like the action after his transformation. It makes it seem as though your really there.

Now for the negative: The build-up to the experiment was terrible. You could have said he was suffering from Depression, or he was homeless and the scientist stumbled upon him. Saying the kid was bullied, and that pushed him over the edge and made him want to commit suicide sounds sloppy. Also, when Slendy killed the police officer, the story said :"He cursed and fell." This seems sloppy as well in my mind, since last I checked people don't curse in my mind. Maybe try and fix it with: "His body slumped to the floor, all life gone from the swift stroke." It adds more of an image instead him simply saying "shit" and dying. Finally, Where the fuck are the other officers? If an explosion happens at a building (as was implied with the rubble covering Slendy), police surround the fucking place, and maybe the military if the explosion was big enough. One police officer wouldn't investigate a building that was recently blown up. Also, if there was one officer that would investigate a ruined building, then more would definently come if said officer would to be impaled.

Final grade: 6/10. Great concept, but needs work on the parts that aren't the climax.