Talk:An Ode to Carnage/@comment-35711173-20190624204451

Mr. Dupin,


 * Next to this horror, a barbaric legionaire made of an assortment of flesh swings his morning star around, crushing bones and splitting skulls.

Isn't that spelled legionnaire?


 * With mighty force he pushes through the pack of rabid beasts.

Wouldn't you need a comma between force and he? "He pushes through the pack of rabid beasts" could stand on its own.


 * He ducks under the blow of a warhog and sprints forth, barely escaping the rush of the pack.

What is a warhog? I know what a warthog is, but that doesn't fit. It doesn't sound like the muzzle brake or the rifle. I know a slang term "warhog" but that's like a borderline ugly girl, which doesn't fit either.


 * Then with a single strike he cuts a soldier apart from head to toes.

I would put a comma between strike and he as "He cuts a soldier apart from head to toes" can stand alone as a sentence.


 * The last remaining torches are snuffed out, and with them the courage in the hearts of men gives way to holistic dread.

I would put a comma between them and the. Same reason as above.


 * It has tasted suffering, and now wants more. With greedy eyes it looks around.

By the same logic, I would eliminate the comma after suffering and add one after eyes.


 * Their faces so soft and tender.

I know the style is different in this, but in common USA English you'd need a verb after faces. Something like are, were, became ...


 * Heavy, ragged breathing from the other side, and then the door blown off its hinges.

Should that be blew or blows? Probably blows. Blown isn't in agreement in tense.


 * The warrior though is nimble, and manages to lunge at the beast's hand, cutting it off and seeing the smothering war-axe drop on the floor with a thud.

I would eliminate the comma after nimble.

Story:

Sorry, it's not a genre I know well enough to make good comments.