Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170331123400/@comment-28060931-20170401152621

Flick

“What do you see here?”

“A… crowd of people.”

“Does this make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes. It does.”

“Ok, interesting.”

Flick

“What about here?”

“An Arcade. With tons of kids.”

“Does this also make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes.”

“Ok…”

Flick

“And here?”

“Doctor please… I really just want to leave.”

“Not yet. Don’t you want to know why you're afraid? Or what you're afraid of?”

“No… I just want to go home.”

“For now this is your home. What do you see on the slide?”

“I… I…”

“Yes?”

“I see Rat Claw.”

“Rat Claw?”

“Y… yes. Rat Claw.”

“Who is this… Rat Claw?”

“The ball pit…”

“The ball pit? You’re not making any sense[comma] Louis.”

“Yes! The ball pit! There was this place near my house. It just came unannounced,[I'm not an expert on puncuation but I think a comma or semi-colon would add to the flow more.] one day there was nothing and the next it was there. I was 10 [commas around 'I think']I think when they built it, and it looked pretty cool I have to say. It looked like a chucky cheese crossed with mcdonald's[capital letters for both brand names],''[I would put a colon or something else here. You named two places besides each other, so when people see something responsible, in part, for dividing long lists of things(like a comma), they're prepared to see another name of a place, not desription of the interior. It may be just me, though, I'm only getting back in the game, and not the best critic.]'' shining games and fast food. I was walking home to my house''[I kind of gathered he lived in a house. If he lived in brothel, that would warrant further elaboration.]'' when I saw it. ‘Rat Claw and Friends Family Friendly Fun House!!!’ was jutting out at the front. I remember it had 3 bulging red exclamation points at the end. The rest of the sign was in a cheese sorta color with holes in it. The sign always looked unnerving up close. At first sight I knew I just knew I had to go there. You see, I sorta was going through a tough time. My brother, along with some other neighborhood kids, disappeared. The investigation had been going on for weeks, and nothing was found. This place seemed as a safe haven from reality and the outside world.”

“I’m sorry about your brother.”

“It’s OK. We were close but still, we were only ten. He was younger, about 8 or something[comma] I think. I really don’t remember. When he… disappeared… I really didn’t know too much about death and thought he would be coming home soon.”

“Continue…”

“So after a while I got my mom to take me and my friend[commas around Dex, unless Dex was his only friend]' Dex to the place, we were calling it the RCAF back then, and we were damn excited to go. We rushed in and[for purposes of flow, I would replace the 'and' with a comma.] it looked like a paradise. There were kids all around, eyes glazed onto consoles. We immediately went to the most important part, the food. They sold these pizzas with heaping amounts of cheese on it, the fake cheese - like the one you would find in a can. It was disgustingly delicious, if you understand that I guess. After playing a while the ‘Rat Song’ started. These cheap animatronics came onto this stage, and started singing and singing. ‘Rat Claw! Rat Claw! He’s your best friend!’ that’s really all I remember, but it still felt slow and deep. I ignored it, and that was that. But it wasn’t. The figure of Rat Claw himself just let itself be burned into my mind. His long yellow nails and beady eyes. His extended legs, it was horrid. But I ignored it, and I thought that would be the end of my fear of Rat Claw. But as I was rushing from one game to another I caught a glimpse of… it.”

“It?”

“The ball pit! The damned ball pit! I walked over to it in a trance, past the caution tape and unlit sign. And knew I had to go in. That’s when Dex pushed me. I freefalled down into it, grasping[gasping?] for air. When I hit it I sunk down, very far down. It was deep, deeper than anything I knew before. I sunk slowly, more and more down to bottom. I shifted so my feet were facing the bottom instead of my head, which I still don’t know if it was blessing or a curse. A cold hand started to curl around my ankle. I couldn’t scream or cry out as its long nails scratched my skin. And then I hit the end. Under was a small room, filled with bodies. They were ripped to shreds, blood splattering the walls and floor in grotesque patterns. Entrails and limbs were sprawled along the floor, and the dead eyes of children stared up at me. I noticed they were the one’s that had disappeared. And after looking around I found him, my brother. And I looked at him scared, below his waist was ripped and bloodied.[this fucking ten year old who just found a fucking murder house of dead bodies of mangled kids decided to take a look around?] And he started moving, he jolted in different directions, his eyes jiggling, and he started slowly singing in an electronic voice. ‘Rat Claw! Rat Claw! He’s your best friend!’. That’s when I felt cold fingers curl again around my shoulder, and I turned. It was a stretched figure, hunched over and limping. Its extended fingers were sharp and jutting, covered in blood. The whole being was black. It was a demented Rat Claw, I knew.[how did he know?] Suddenly, Its[it's] head snapped back and a gurgling sound was heard through it as a red liquid shot out in streams. At this point I couldn’t control myself anymore, I screamed and heaved myself up the balls above. I swam to the top, and when I surfaced Dex was there. He said something, but it was just a blur. I screamed again and started running out. I heard ‘Louis!’ screamed but I just kept running until I got to my house.”

“Wow, what happened after that?”

“I told them about the bodies, and the police came down. They found them - but not the ‘Rat Claw’ like creature I had seen. The RCAF was closed after, and disappeared as it had appeared. But that ‘Rat Claw’ creature thing I saw didn’t stop fallowing[following] me, he kept asking me to help him find food, find more…”

“Louis? Hello?”

“Doctor, can we please stop?”

“What! This is a remarkable breakthrough! Why stop now?”

“Listen closely doctor.”[I will get onto the ellipsis problem in my summary but this is a perfect place to use them.]

“Ok…”

“Can you hear it?”

“Hear what?”

“The scratching at the door. We should let Rat Claw in. He’s probably hungry anyway.”

Firstly, if I had a dollar for every time I said this I'd be hosting weekend parties in the Taj Mahal, you should proofread more. This is full of awkward wording, too much grammar and spelling errors and cliche's and plot-holes.

Firstly, what happened after the kid discovered the dead bodies and called the police? I assume the fast food chain didn't just "shut down"; kiddie chip diner containing pit of murdered kids would make international headlines. And, besides, why were the kids murdered? What the hell is this Rat Claw creature and why is he stalking the narrator. This needs more explanation, more elaboration. Rat Claw needs fleshing out. What? Is this beast running fast food chains and slaughtering kids on the side? Are the fast food chains run by cultists who kill the kids in the name of Rat Claw. It seems like a rushed fan-fic of FNAF. To be honest, it isn't as bad as FNAF fanfics; honeslty, it's Lovecraft compared to those.

Secondly/thirdly: how did no one discover those bodies before. I assume lots of kids were there and places like this need to under-go inspection before opening.

Lastly, you use too much ellipsis. People don't talk like that. It makes the story meladramatic. Anyhow, I wish you luck with this and any future stories. See ya around.