Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25051266-20141103234213/@comment-25547916-20141104042645

Let me preface by the saying that the beginning is quite good. It does a fairly good job of drawing the reader in. The narrator shooting his brother was tastefully done and helped cement him as a likeable character.

Having said that, I am concerned with the general direction of the story. It seems as though it may be following the hero's journey, which though it can make for a good read, isn't generally an effective method of conveying horror. I could be reading into this completely wrong, but I would consider altering the story if you are planning to follow that archetype. Use your discretion.

In regards to the finer details of the story, it's still pretty rough around the edges. It is a first draft however and I'm sure you'll iron out the wrinkles. In particular, the character General Kenneth confused me quite a lot. I'm not sure how the reader is supposed to feel about him. His relationship to the narrator seemed to be nearly homo-erotic, which I think you might be trying to show the narrator's discomfort. If this is the case, I would suggest showing more of a direct reaction to his behavior. If he's supposed to be a sympathetic character, then maybe make him more aloof. Again, this all depends on the direction of the story.

The story loses a lot of the creepiness once he joins the soldiers. If this is purely expositional, then that doesn't matter so much. However, if this part is intended to be unsettling, then the organization needs to be much more menancing. If this is expositional, then you may face a problem by informing the reader too much. Things are only frightening if they are mysterious, so be careful filling in the details about the infected. It's also easier to scare audiences when the protagonist is vulnerable, so building him up might write you into a corner.

Another area of concern: be careful using the father as a mysterious figure. That trope has been done to death and audiences expect something big when it is still used. If you have a pay-off, then more power to you, but it will let the reader down otherwise.

Ultimately, it's hard to say how much potential this story has. Even though it's quite long, the story has progressed very gradually. The story asks the reader to make a large investment, and I'm not sure if it will pay off. It is completely possible that the story manages to tie everything together, but for now, I'm skeptical.

Hope this was helpful.

You can also get rid of the scrolling boxes by deleting indentations. Please do so on future drafts.