Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27569420-20170404180556/@comment-5952769-20170417102703

This is a clever concept. I can see some things for you to work on.

I think a story like this works best when it's short and punchy. There are a lot of details that don't add anything. In particular, I think the information about how the band came together is much longer than it needs to be. There are eight paragraphs before Sam notices he's missing from the band picture. That's a long time to wait for a hook.

While I like the main twist that Sam is a ghost and already was one when the pictures were taken, I think you should take out the part about him killing Pringle and Taylor. It seems excessive, and lots of creepypasta already use the twist where the narrator forgot about committing murder. Sam being a ghost is already enough to explain why Max is scared when he calls. He doesn't have to be a murderous ghost. The part where he speaks to the reader makes a nice ending, and it's sort of funny, but, again, I think it goes a a little over the top.

You should keep working on this pasta. The main idea is great.