Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29074921-20160715175752/@comment-29015383-20160715185714

I was working on a way to properly point out the problems with the story as well as the punctuation and awkward sentences, but upon a refresh I noticed that Empy wrote an overview much clearer than what I could hope to give you.

I have to admit that you lost me around the ghost town. You have a very strong habit of telling what happens without showing it. For instance, instead of telling us something strange is happening but that the characters brush it off as unimportant, describe to us what is happening. Show us the strange thing, make us raise our own eyebrows at this peculiar oddity while simultaneously encouraging us through writing that while odd, it’s not that much of a big deal.

Another example, arriving at a ghost town should be described as more than ‘we arrived at a ghost time. There was no one there’. There’s so many types of ghost towns out there, how am I supposed to imagine this? What style of buildings are there? How old are they? Is there still glass in the windows (hinting that it hasn’t been abandoned that long) or is everything including the road covered in a thick layer of dust? A well build atmosphere can hook a reader to a story, but no one will bite if there’s no bait on it.

I suggest following up on Empy’s advice and re-writing it. Feel free to share the re-uploaded version on the workshop and I’ll take another look!