Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25410869-20140914075109/@comment-25226524-20140915000915

First off, we need to look for things that can be removed. I know this can be painful, but it's necessary in making a story read and flow better. This paragraph and sentence could be removed:

''First off I'll give you some details, I live in a rural area, there's tons of trees around my house, I'm right next to a ranch. 45 minutes from the closest town, and about 2 hours till the nearest city. A cliche for a scary story, I know, but It's true.

If you must know about him, I can describe my observations.

There are other things that could be removed, but that especially just feels unnecessary.

You should try to figure out a way to not describe him in such lengthy detail all at once. Break it up and add pieces of his description as the story progresses.

This story also needs some more tension. It reads too much like a matter-of-fact description of what the narrator saw. Get creative, add some action, explain why we should be so afraid of Metalunker. I know you said you were going to add to it, but even this section needs more creep factor.

I also think it would help if you told us what he said, instead of telling us you can't remember. If you think about it, something like that should definitely be stuck in your memory. Tell us what he wants, what his purpose is.

I think this is an interesting concept, but it does need quite a bit of work. I really like your closing line, but like I said, let us know why we should be scared that he might be coming for us next.

There are a number of punctuation and wording mistakes, but it would take me basically writing the whole thing out to show you where they're all at. Try reading this out-loud a couple of times, this is a good way to help you recognize when something doesn't sound quite right.

To sum up, get more creative, remove anything that doesn't progress the story, add some tension and action, and give us a better understanding of why we should fear him.

Hope this helps, keep writing.