Talk:The Expressionless/@comment-126583-20151007001907

Okay, here's a story that COULD have been scary but isn't because of some basic mistakes.

"there were two things that caused people who saw her to vomit and flee in terror."

(sigh) Why? Why bother? If people are fleeing in terror at the beginning of the story, why would it be scary at the end? Cut that. Just have people seeing her and looking away in disgust or fear. But "fleeing in terror"? Picture it in your head. It looks stupid, doesn't it? It's more like a cartoon. AAAAAHHHH!!!!!

"The first being that she wasn't exactly human."

No. Don't tell us this. Your later descriptions should be enough. And saying she didn't look exactly human robs any power that the story may have. Don't tell us what we SHOULD think. That's our job.

"There was a kitten clamped in her jaws so unnaturally tight that no teeth could be seen,"

This is the dumbest part of the entire story. She's so evil she's eating a kitten! Which should be impossible given what we're told later. You're trying to establish normalcy - having crowds of people running away from some lady chowing down on a baby cat is just hilarious, not scary. This is not normalcy skewed to the unreal. This is unreal skewed to the completely bonkers.

My advice? Carrying in an expressionless woman who has a pool of blood on her mouth and clothes is enough, who may or may not be deformed. Perfect! Stop there! You don't need her CHOWING DOWN ON A KITTEN WHILE PEOPLE PANIC AROUND HER! Yeesh.

"

From the moment she stepped through the entrance to when she was taken to a hospital room and cleaned up before being prepped for sedation, she was completely calm, expressionless and motionless. The doctors thought it best to restrain her until the authorities could arrive and she did not protest. They were unable to get any kind of response from her and most staff members felt too uncomfortable to look directly at her for more than a few seconds.

But the second the staff tried to sedate her, she fought back with extreme force. Two members of staff had to hold her down as her body rose up on the bed with that same, blank expression."

This is good. It's normal. It would be fine if she were just traumatized and wearing no expression like a mannequin, blood covering her.

"She turned her emotionless eyes towards the male doctor and did something unusual. She smiled."

Very good. You're heightening expectations.

"As she did, the female doctor screamed and let go out of shock. In the woman's mouth were not human teeth, but long, sharp spikes"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back to dumb. In a variation of the story, they say that her teeth were too long for her mouth, too. But this is just grade-B horror bullshit.

"As he heard them approach, she darted forward, sinking her teeth into the front of his throat, ripping out his jugular and letting him fall to the floor, gasping for air as he choked on his own blood."

Yawn. Slasher movie stuff. It's not scary because we've already seen her chowing down on a kitten while people panic all around her.

"She leaned closer and whispered in his ear.  'I... am... God...'"

And we've finished our student film.

You see, the story is trying to hard to scare us by TELLING us what to think and feel. It's manipulative.

But the premise is good enough to be salvaged. Again, expressionless woman, being brought in to treated for trauma or something. Blood on her.

But here's a better idea. Keep her mouth closed. When she smiles, just have the doctor react in terror to something we can't see because she's not facing us. There he can react as hysterically as you want because he sees something so horrible that it defies explanation. Then she turns back and perhaps starts sobbing uncontrollably. If you want her to say something, you can have her say "There.... is.... no.... God" or something.

Also, instead of writing in prose, write it in an official hospital format, with the descriptions being as dry as possible while detailing all of the unnerving details. Perhaps noting that the doctor who saw this woman do whatever when looking at him, couldn't do his work, constantly talking about "that smile... that smile..." or something like that, and starting to do self-mutilation on himself. Just fucked up shit but in a dry report.

But the scenario as it is... doesn't scare me. Spiky toothed women who think they're God while munching down on a kitty? That's just funny.