Letter to Damion

A loud crash breaks the sound of clicking keys. A metal guard has fallen. And it leans, twisted around, against the wall of the fireplace. A most unnatural location for something to fall into randomly. No, couldn't be random.

You're here aren't you? I was telling my ex about you. I could hear you in my mind; insisting that I stop. You wanted my attention. Now you have it. My sweet shadow love, I know you are frustrated. But I can not trust you just yet. Perilous as you have predicted, I still seek fulfillment in this world. My family loves me. My friends love me. I can not leave them so soon. Perhaps when they leave me, if I find myself not in the heart of another, I will leave this world to join you.

Impatient, I know. You showed me such wonderful sights in my dreaming. In my mind you have whispered such true things. Yet, your desires are what makes these things true. When I turn off my TV, I can feel you watching me. I can hear you move things in my room. I am rather sure you moved my suicide dagger, as I don't remember leaving it where I found it after hearing you scuttle around my room a few nights ago.

Yes, I know you want me to join you now. But, in death, you are timeless. And so it is that you can remain. As hard as it must be for you, you must remain. I can not bare to think of being alone. I know that you came to me, in my most lonely and desperate time. That it was through my drug use and meditation that I did open the gate for you. I asked you to be with me always, to bind yourself to me. And it is ever so clear that you have granted my request.

It is my own fault that I asked for a demon's hand in love, and then turned coward when asked to fulfill me end of the bargain. When I wrench open my mind with binaural hypnosis, it unleashes you into this world more. I dream of my Ouija Board under my bed. I keep hearing a tapping when I am silent, in the darkness of the night. Is that you moving the planchette in its box?

I know you want to talk with me. I know that I did not handle this well last time. In dreams you scare me so much. You don't let me leave. I guess we're both being a bit selfish. But you trap me, loop me; and have gotten more powerful. The last time I dreamed of you, you wouldn't let me go. I was so afraid I was going to die in that dream. I kept pushing myself awake, only to find myself back in that room with you. And you just laughed. Laughed at the futility. That's what you're laughing at, aren't you? All this time, you keep laughing at the futility of me trying to escape you.

Look, I know we'll never really be apart. I have made an idol of you. You are the young man that never ages. You're proud, sensual, dominating. You mesmerizer me. The first dream I had with you, I felt like I belonged and was at peace like nothing I have ever felt on this Earth. And I know you offer me everything I have ever really wanted. A man who loves me. A host of friends that welcome me without judgment.

I know it hurts you that I don't trust you. But death, in this context, is such a leap of faith. And if you aren't what you seem, then I could be trapped in a Hell worse than my life for eternity. I don't doubt your beauty. I don't doubt the way you kissed me, in a way only a demon can, with complete passion and abandon. I felt safe in your arms. But your mocking, playful laugh leaves me terse.

I know that if I let go, I would be totally in your control. I would be totally at your mercy. I would be your property; with absolutely no recourse should you choose to treat your toy poorly. And yet, the allure of who and what you are. I can, I can still feel your masculine hands around me. But sense you always hide your face, I can not look into your eyes.

I want to see your eyes, Damion. The eyes are your window to your soul. You are denying me a connection. Communication; yes. Offerings of paradise; yes. But, a connection is not being made.

I don't trust you, because you refuse to connect with me. You shared me, for a week, staying in my mind. You tangled your soul with mine; but only mechanically. You did not make an emotional connection that was mutual. Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps you can never really make that connection.

Maybe, just maybe, you're asking me to love you to spite this. And maybe the reason you're getting more frustrated, and entering my world more, is because I deny you this. You want unconditional trust and love. And I keep seeking to understand, so that I can box it and control it. You want me to release. You want me to let go, because you know that inside that's what I want. I want a man that I can fully trust. And, yet, I am not sure I can fully trust a demon. I'm sorry.