User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Suicidemouse.avi

I don't trust file extensions anymore. I blame Creepypasta in general, and one story in particular for this: "Suicidemouse.avi." There's also another thing I can blame this story for: most crappy lost episode stories. Yeah, since that story is part of the historical archives of this site, and pretty well known, there's a little background blurb at the beginning that calls this story "the forefather of the entire lost episode genre." In other words, "Dead Bart", "Squidward's Suicide", and all other stories like them are because of this story. Yipee.

Because of those two things I've mentioned, it's easy to hate the story before you've read it. However, I'm going to judge this story on its own merits. I'm still going to make fun of it, mind you. But I'll try not to hold what the story has spawned against it when I do my little review at the end. So, let's walk down the street in black and white, and Riff this bitch.

So do any of you remember those Mickey Mouse cartoons from the 1930s? Well, considering that I wasn’t alive in the 1930s, no. The ones that were just put out on DVD a few years ago? Well, I hear there is one that was unreleased to even the most avid classic Disney fans. “Mickey and Minnie’s sex tape.”

According to sources, it's nothing special. It's just a continuous loop (like Flintstones) of Mickey walking past six buildings that goes on for two or three minutes before fading out. ''That’s all? Well, this has been a very uneventful story.'' Unlike the cutesy tunes put in though, the song on this cartoon was not a song at all, just a constant banging on a piano for a minute and a half before going to white noise for the remainder of the film.

It wasn't the jolly old Mickey we've come to love either, Mickey wasn't dancing, not even smiling, just kind of walking as if you or I were walking, with a normal facial expression, but for some reason his head tilted side to side as he kept this dismal look. Guess he read "Sonic.exe."

Up until a year or two ago, everyone believed that after it cut to black and that was it. When Leonard Maltin was reviewing the cartoon to be put in the complete series, he decided it was too junk to be on the DVD, ''“too junk”? What does that mean?'' but wanted to have a digital copy due to the fact that it was a creation of Walt. When he had a digitized version up on his computer to look at the file, he noticed something. ''“Multiple videos of Hitler. As it turns out, Walt Disney was actually very anti-Semitic.”''

The cartoon was actually 9 minutes and 4 seconds long. This is what my source emailed to me, in full (he is a personal assistant of one of the higher executives at Disney, and acquaintance of Mr. Maltin himself Why is he sharing this with you?):

"After it cut to black, it stayed like that until the 6th minute, before going back into Mickey walking. The sound was different this time. “It was an electric guitar.” It was a murmur. It wasn't a language, but more like a gurgled cry. As the noise got more indistinguishable and loud over the next minute, the picture began to get weird. “Everything became more hyper-realistic.” The sidewalk started to go in directions that seemed impossible based on the physics of Mickeys walking. And the dismal face of the mouse was slowly curling into a smirk. Well, at least he’s happy.

On the 7th minute, the murmur turned into a bloodcurdling scream (the kind of scream painful to hear Thank you for that clarification.) and the picture was getting more obscure. Colors were happening that shouldn't have been possible at the time. It should be noted that people from Crayola saw this, and thought, “ We need these colors in our products!” Mickey's face began to fall apart. his eyes rolled on the bottom of his chin like two marbles in a fishbowl, and his curled smile was pointing upward on the left side of his face. Because it isn't Creepypasta without some kind of smile.

The buildings became rubble floating in midair and the sidewalk was still impossibly navigating in warped directions, a few seeming inconceivable with what we, as humans, know about direction. Please tell me it's not One Direction. Mr. Maltin got disturbed and left the room, Pussy. sending an employee to finish the video and take notes of everything happening up until the last second, and afterward immediately store the disc of the cartoon into the vault. This distorted screaming lasted until 8 minutes and a few seconds in, and then it abruptly cuts to the Mickey Mouse face at the credits of the end of every video with what sounded like a broken music box playing in the background.

This happened for about 30 seconds, and whatever was in that remaining 30 seconds I haven't been able to get a sliver of information about. ''From what I've heard about it, you don't want to know. All I'll say is that there are certain places a cucumber should never go.'' From a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room, I was told that after the last frame, the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying "Real suffering is not known" seven times before speedily taking the guard's pistol and offing himself on the spot. He clearly has never read "Slender Man Vs. Eyeless Jack."

The thing I could get out of Leonard Maltin was that the last frame was a piece of Russian text that roughly said "the sights of hell bring its viewers back in". ''Why Russian? Why not German? Or Klingon?'' As far as I know, no one else has seen it, but there have been dozens of attempts at getting the file on rapidshare by employees inside the studios, all of whom have been promptly terminated of their jobs. In case you’re wondering, Arnold Schwarzenegger was hired to terminate their jobs.

Whether it got online or not is up for debate, but if rumors serve me right, it's online somewhere under "suicidemouse.avi". Roll credits! If you ever find a copy of the film, I want you to never view it, and to contact me by phone immediately, regardless of the time. ''I have this mental image in my head of this guy being called at 3 am, and saying, “I don’t care what it is, fuck off. Wait, it’s suicidemouse.avi? I must go!” When a Disney Death Wait, Disney Death? This is a thing?'' is covered up as well as this, it means this has to be something huge. So Bambi's mom's death means nothing, apparently.

Get back at me,

TR"

I've yet to find a copy of this, but it is out there. I know it. Well, after this story became popular, I’m sure someone decided to make the video.

END RIFF

On its own merits, this story isn't that bad. It creates a bit of a creepy atmosphere, along with some mystery. However, it does have quite a few flaws. First, the parts from the letter of that TR guy need to have quotation marks at the beginning of each paragraph until it ends. However, that's not there, and it's kind of annoying. Second, it's not very scary. Granted, that's subjective, but to me, it wasn't scary. So there were colors and directions that weren't possible for the time, and then some guy came in, saw the end, and killed himself? Ok. I won't watch it. I'm good. As something that should create psychological horror and discomfort, it fails for the most part. As something going for a "fourth wall can't protect you" kind of scare, it fails miserably. But on its own merits, this story is better than quite a few of the lost episode pastas I've Riffed. It's not great, but it's not scrotum stabbingly terrible. However, if one takes into consideration everything spawned from this story, then it should be hated and reviled.

So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I would know real suffering? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.