Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34795789-20140318153023/@comment-4832646-20140319145955

Guy has it right. But, to add, I actually feel the entire story itself is rushed - things happened a little too fast. Make it sound more natural, slow it down so not everything happens in five seconds.

Try to make it flow a little more naturally. Also, work on your sentence structure. Commas and etc, and there isn't a need to cram everything into one 1-2 line sentence.

"Yes, of course it was. Why else would she call me such a name and then try to control me?" Split that up just like that.