Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-1301313-20190117002421/@comment-9041013-20190118192640

Well the concept is really neat, the execution needs work.

The formating is kind of off, and you've a bunch of words and phrases that are somewhat pointless and distracting from the plot.

Everything Bob and Christian both mentioned stands, and it should be corrected to make this story work. I suggest you take the concept of a character study of this demon/siren hybrid and turn it into a longer version of this including a development in their relationship (How they develop trust, become somewhat friends and have a "romantic moment" leading to the climax of the plot).

Also, there's a kind of demon called Lilim, they are the children of Lilith... you can turn them into these siren like demons who seduce people as one parent of Remy and another kind of demon (you could make up one, or just use the term Kakodaimon (malevolent godlike spirit in Greek) for the other parent so it could be a more "common" demon. I just found that Siren and Demon union kind of weird.

I do think that the relationship between the two characters is important and that there should be a fallapart moment when one of the characters turns on the other leading to the climax of the story. Perhaps Jordan realizing he's gay and going all "It's sinful" to a mental degree which leads Remy to get hurt and do something bad.

Maybe have Remy keep a diary, make it a little from his point of view...

Oh and try to give him either a completely unique accent, "he sounds a little Cajun with touches of something reminiscent of Hawaiian" or something, or give him an accent from a linquistic minority that you find attractive. Cause multicultured accents don't work... I think.