Talk:The Thumping/@comment-32802129-20170817012637

Okay, I'm going to try and be a little bit more constructive than the previous comment. The first thing i noticed reading through this pasta were quite a few spelling/grammar errors and awkward wording. Sentences such as "The murder(er) has yet to be found" is an example of where more proofreading is required. You also use "murdering" instead of murder; the noun is "murder" as in "a murder took place."

In the first paragraph, you write "the remote laid motionlessly" which feels awkward to me; maybe "The remote laid motionless" would be better prose.

There are multiple instances of incorrect grammar and capitalisation around dialogue; consulting the Style Guide for Writing on this wiki while you proofread may assist with this.

Mechanical issues aside, there are a few plot issues that are pretty clear to me. Firstly, the characterisation feels a bit weak. There are quite a few cliche descriptions used and I don't feel that I have any better an idea of who either of the girls are by the end. Maybe try to include some more unique personality traits to develop Katie and Erica a bit more?

The pacing of the story feels off to me as well. At first, the plot progresses slowly by introducing the red-haired date and Devon, and I actually find this is the part of the story that works best. The gruesome murders coinciding with the two girls meeting these guys starts to build a good atmosphere of foreboding. Unfortunately, the very rushed death scene (is the mad-man Devon? Surely she would recognise him as her murderer?) really brings the atmosphere down. I find it very hard to believe that someone would survive their heart being cut out for as long Katie seems to; death from shock would possibly happen even before blood loss to the brain rendered a person unconscious. It would also be very hard to "go down with a fight"; the immense pain and shock would render someone pretty useless.

The ending is also very weak and feels very rushed. "They saw a bloody demonic looking creature" is not a good way to end. Why was it demonic looking? Calling a creature demonic is like calling a face "scary"; you need more description. Does it look like a Biblical interpretation of a demon? Is it humanoid with black eyes like in a popular TV series? The way the ending is presented makes me imagine the News Crew driving past some blood covered demon and just going "Yeh ok, so that's a demon. Whatever," and continuing with their day. There is no element of fear or surprise in this ending which lets down that stronger middle section I mentioned earlier.

Long story short, in my opinion, there's alot of work to do before this story receives favourable reviews. Perhaps pasting to the Writer's Workshop would help out?

I feel you have a good idea here so please don't read my comment and give up! With a bit of work this will be an enjoyable pasta to read.