Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26872762-20150928173453/@comment-25941663-20151018164525

"because no one had ever came up to me" - It should be: "had ever come"

"then he put his hands in pocket and" - It should be "his pockets" instead of "pocket"

"... Just do what I say." The man told...

Change the period above with a comma.

"as went up to a little station just right" - You forgot a 'he' in there.

"After I was all situated" - Did you mean: "After I was all set" or something? I don't think situated is the right word (and neither is set, probably).

"in all shapes in sizes" -> " in all shapes and sizes"

"with large cemetery" -> "with a large cemetery"

There are a ton of similar issues, and I'm afraid I can't point them all out. You need to be more careful with these little details in the future.

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I'm afraid the story had a great amount of issues apart from technical ones.

First of all, there were a ton of awkward wording issues. You need to read and re-read every sentence to make sure the story flows smoothly. Read your text out loud if that's needed.

You constantly tried to "break the fourth wall", directly "speaking" to the reader ("How lovely that was", "You heard me" etc.) but it just didn't work. This technique is very tricky and in most stories it doesn't fit. Keep that in mind in future stories.

The plot was well below average, it didn't make sense and was uninteresting. I don't have much more to add to this, it just didn't work. I suggest you read some more stories on the wiki to see what is good. You can take a look at Suggested Reading.

It depended too much on action and that is never good for a horror story. You had a gun wielding protagonist who easily dispatched anything you threw at him. This reads more like a ridiculous b-rated action/apocalypse movie than a proper creepy story. I'm sorry.

All in all, I can see that you've put a lot of effort into this, but it just isn't good enough. It is very good for a first story though, so you just have to keep it up and keep practising. Also, it would help a lot if you read some of the Writing Advice blogs on the wiki. They can offer a lot.