Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20170102022905/@comment-4849011-20170107021318

You're certainly welcome; it's my pleasure. :-) There's also something I meant to say, but forgot, and that's that I like both versions.  All I can add is maybe this works better as a stand-alone story and the other works better as part of a series.  Neither story is better than the other, and neither ending is better than the other.

Here are the suggested changes for both this draft and "Short Hoggers".
 * “She looks kind of freaky, like one of those creepy china dolls that come to life and murders you in the middle of the night.”- “She looks kind of freaky, like one of those creepy china dolls that comes to life and murders you in the middle of the night.”
 * “Her voyage to this country was long and arduous, often fraught with trouble and strife, and, more often than not a great deal of frightful peril from the elements...”- “Her voyage to this country was long and arduous, often fraught with trouble and strife, and, more often than not, a great deal of frightful peril from the elements...”
 * A hardcore otaku then, Kes thought with a grimace. Or as Yoda would say, ‘the weeaboo vibe is strong in this one.’- A hardcore otaku then, Kes thought with a grimace. Or as Yoda would say, ‘The weeaboo vibe is strong in this one.’ ("The" should be italicized too; I just didn't know if I could have it be in both italics and boldface for the example)
 * However, Kes kept her personal comments to herself and made a silent vow never to get too close to ‘Lil’ Mis Bo Beep for she didn’t want a repeat of that nonsense back in Simak where she had to deal with a raging otaku mental case.- However, Kes kept her personal comments to herself and made a silent vow never to get too close to ‘Lil’ Miss Bo Peep for she didn’t want a repeat of that nonsense back in Simak where she had to deal with a raging otaku mental case.
 * Kes froze rigid, staring transfixed. For a moment, just as the girl stepped into one of the moonlit patches, the whole shape of her face seems to have changed.- Kes froze rigid, staring transfixed. For a moment, just as the girl stepped into one of the moonlit patches, the whole shape of her face seemed to have changed.
 * For a moment, Kes lay staring up at the ceiling. Her mind teeming with the images from hours earlier--the corrugated iron and scrap wood arrangement that was supposed to resemble an Antarctica research station, the werewolves dyed to resemble sled dogs, the imps and spriggans animating the mechanical monster parts, the actors rushing about heroically in corpse paint and cold weather gear, the whole set going up into flames that would have met with John Carpenter’s approval.- For a moment, Kes lay staring up at the ceiling. Her mind was teeming with the images from hours earlier--the corrugated iron and scrap wood arrangement that was supposed to resemble an Antarctica research station, the werewolves dyed to resemble sled dogs, the imps and spriggans animating the mechanical monster parts, the actors rushing about heroically in corpse paint and cold weather gear, the whole set going up into flames that would have met with John Carpenter’s approval.
 * She always thought that the assimilated humans, unlike the Borg and the Pod People, who had no idea they were imitations... like Norris with his bad heart or Palmer when he was tied up on the couch, waiting to have his blood tested.- She always thought that the assimilated humans, unlike the Borg and the Pod People, had no idea they were imitations... like Norris with his bad heart or Palmer when he was tied up on the couch, waiting to have his blood tested.
 * “Well, I pretty much hated the Merlian weather, if it was not raining, it was windy and icy-cold, and it was hardly even sunny! I also hated the capital--Dimoil-Nu along with the native population. So unfriendly, superficial, and self-absorbed. Just all stiff-upper-lip presentation, no one bothering to listen to one another because they were all much too busy trying to present themselves in a certain narrow minded manner.”- “Well, I pretty much hated the Merlian weather. If it was not raining, it was windy and icy-cold, and it was hardly even sunny! I also hated the capital--Dimoil-Nu along with the native population. So unfriendly, superficial, and self-absorbed. Just all stiff-upper-lip presentation, no one bothering to listen to one another because they were all much too busy trying to present themselves in a certain narrow-minded manner.”
 * “‘Yep, got rid of that sort of punishment in 1965 along with the death penalty,’ Lottie muttered. ‘Too barbaric, they say plus there was a potential of magical backfire, causing the transformation to go horribly wrong.’- “‘Yep, got rid of that sort of punishment in 1965 along with the death penalty,’ Lottie muttered. ‘Too barbaric, they say, plus there was a potential of magical backfire, causing the transformation to go horribly wrong. or “‘Yep, got rid of that sort of punishment in 1965 along with the death penalty,’ Lottie muttered. ‘Too barbaric, they say- plus there was a potential of magical backfire, causing the transformation to go horribly wrong.
 * “‘But that Van Devereux girl looks feeble minded!’ I exclaimed, turning back to regard the vague dull-looking brunette on the magazine cover.- I’d put a comma between vague and dull-looking, but it’s a minor cosmetic change that’s entirely up to you to make or not make. Also, I just found out today that "feebleminded" is one word, which surprised me.
 * Although her oval face was fixed in an expression of charm and delight, the dimpled smile seemed icy while the wide blue eyes seemed cold and calculating as though she could see into my unsettled mind.- I’d put a comma between calculating and as, but once again, it’s a minor thing that’s entirely up to you.
 * “The court ordered us not to talk since Joan happened to come from this ulta-rich family who didn’t want the negative publicity.”- “The court ordered us not to talk since Joan happened to come from this ultra-rich family who didn’t want the negative publicity.”
 * A sharp tapping had sounded against the pane. She sat very still, listening carefully but did not hear the sound again.- A sharp tapping had sounded against the pane. She sat very still, listening carefully, but did not hear the sound again.
 * “Hey doofuses!”- “Hey, doofuses!”
 * Were these living weapons possibly a midsummer present that now the goth was now having second thoughts about?- It’s probably best to remove one of the nows from this sentence.
 * This weapon had been wrought centuries ago not by the Jötar or the Dwarves or even the nearly extinct Yngui, but by Kes’ own people--the most diligent and talented of mechanicians: against such powerful weapons, foes both human and nonhuman stood not a chance.- This weapon had been wrought centuries ago not by the Jötar or the Dwarves or even the nearly extinct Yngui, but by Kes’s own people--the most diligent and talented of mechanicians: against such powerful weapons, foes both human and nonhuman stood not a chance.