Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-1186783-20140817151538/@comment-25052433-20141106072349

I enjoyed the revision. Glad to see that you are still committed to this story.

Honestly, the biggest flaw that I found here is how the story wraps at the end. The idea that this guy spent an entire year or so, bonding with Michael, befriending him, so forth and so on.

Then, at the end, he flees so suddenly.

For one thing, I can't quite believe that just seeing the old man's cane tip would cause the protagonist to flee for his life. It didn't feel organic. It would flow better if he spoke with Michael about the cane, then Michael begins to behave strangely, slowly building up his sinister side.

Once the fear does break and Michael shows his real colors, the protagonist attempts to speak with one police officer, and then completely reverts into flight mode. During all this time that he has drawn out all his money and been on the run, wouldn't he have sought out help from the authorities?

The entire story is awesome, but I just feel that ending is rushed and leaves way too many holes. Fill that in, make the character's reactions more natural and you'll have a great installment to your saga.