Talk:Normal Porn for Normal People/@comment-24106525-20131029065314

Good read, full of weird things that make it a "creepy" pasta.

One thing I'd change is there is a bit too much profanity. It detracts from the mood. It results in a bit of a jarring tone, because the story starts as an "everyday male" and changes to a direct, descriptive tone. Profanity rarely adds to a story, unless of course it is in dialogue or used to establish your tone. Overuse of profanity in either case can turn a lot of people off of your writing. I am by no means offended by profanity, I curse probably more than most, but it is noticable and out of place in this story. Tone is very important, I'd suggest trying to avoid switchin tone in the middle, unless the content of the story warrants it (a second narrator, etc.). It feels like a different person is narrating by the end, and it doesn't work here because the story is told in the past tense. All of these events already happened to the narrator, so he already has established feelings on the subject.

It is still a very good pasta.