Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31966463-20170614025802/@comment-24101790-20170619034553

Wording: "After lighting and smoking yet another cigar, he studied the culprit." This makes it seem like he smoked an entire cigar while watching the subject which would take a good 10-15 minutes depending on how focused he is. I would change smoking to something along the lines of 'taking a drag', inhaling smoke', etc. "the thrill is to (too) much for me to stop." There are a number of times where you have fragmented sentences: "The door swings open before he can even comprehend what just happened.", "Armed officers barge into the room ordering him to lower his weapon.", etc.

"'Kept (apostrophe not needed) saying the voice is making him do it, but that just makes the detective more bloodthirsty"

Tense issues: You tend to shift from past tense ("After lighting and smoking yet another cigar, he studied the culprit.") to present tense ("Twitchy, his eyes keep darting back and forth, and he keeps grabbing his head as if he's having the world's worst migraine.", "He grabs his gun and points it at Jack.", etc.) throughout the story.

Story issues: The dialogue feels a bit too forced and like a summary. "Wallis, what the hell!? That boy kept begging you to put your gun down and you just splatter his brains all over the wall! Cuff him, he's got a major screw loose." It really feels off for a officer to directly explain what just happened directly after the event just moments earlier.

Story issues cont.: "He grabs his gun and points it at Jack. The cops outside don't even bat an eye." and "That boy kept begging you to put your gun down and you just splatter his brains all over the wall!" feel directly at odds with each other if there's no explanation as to why this is treated as common occurrence. You should really give a reason why the other officers don't decide to intervene as they're watching the scene as right now, it feels a bit contradictory.

Story issues: I think this could use a bit of fleshing out as the interrogation feels rushed. I think to make the scene work a bit better, you're going to need more scenes where Jack (or the entity influencing Jack) needles the detective more. Right now, it feels more like the thing gets under his skin and Wallis just shoots him. Feel free to read Wolves in a Time of Madness which has a similar premise, but focuses more on building up the interaction between the interrogator and suspect.