Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20171229192845/@comment-26399604-20171230204017

Hi Loki,

Nice to see another story from you. I read through it and this was quite enjoyable.

However, I will note the story felt a bit rushed. I was half-expecting the story to continue: with more resolution on what the thing was (doesn't have to be a full disclosure but maybe hints), a bit more to the friend's death (I thought we'd get just a little more interaction and investigation -- think this could strengthen the final revelation), and even more build-up/elevation to the protagonist's similar symptoms (maybe small hints of the symptoms until the reveal it was same as his friend's).

I said "half-expecting" because I'm used to your longer stories style but this one doesn't have to be to those lengths. I do feel it needs to be drawn-out a bit more; it feels like we're missing some scenes.

You can get another's to see if they feel the same or not. Hope this helps.

I did note two areas that can/should be addressed. Please see the brackets and comments below:

+On that night of the 30th, when I was buried under my blankets, my head faced the nightstand [where] my phone rests to charge.

My eyes shut tight, not wanting to see [who or what it was], I was not moving an inch. ''--With unknown presences, the impact often comes off better in this manner. Of course, this is a personal opinion and doesn't really need to be changed unless you want to.''