Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26336831-20150503222252/@comment-26336831-20150504015139

Nathanation wrote: Whitix wrote: Okay. Where to begin.

First, you need to separate this into different paragraphs as it is currently a chore to read through. Second, the title will need to be changed; you can't use hash tags or any other punctuations when posting a story.

Your grammar here is very poor. You need to read over this. Every other sentence is a run-on.

"j (What is this "j" for?) So yeah, I don't know how to start this, so I just had probably the most fucked up week in my entire life." Could be rewritten as: "So yeah, I don't know how to start this; I just had probably the most fucked up week in my entire life."

"So my entire life I have stayed away from the social media you can just say I'm the "Anti" in the word "Anti social." Could be rewritten as: "So my entire life I have stayed away from the social media. You could just say I'm the "Anti" in the word "Anti social." (Additionally, "Anti social" is not two words, and should be "antisocial").

"I just don't want to be a part of any drama that would jeopardize any friendships I have especially since I'm in high school, everybody knows high school is dramas boyfriend, or girlfriend depends on how you think." Could be rewritten as: "I just don't want to be a part of any drama that would jeopardize any friendships I have. Especially since I'm in high school; everybody knows high school is drama's boyfriend, or girlfriend depends on how you think."

I'm not going to rewrite every sentence; you need to read through this and break up the run-ons. There are many other grammatical errors as well: missing punctuation ("dramas boyfriend", "I received a notification", <== Needs colon after notification, etc.), spelling errors ("one day wnd"), stuff like that. I don't want to go over every grammatical mistake, but you seriously need to read this over and put it through a word processor to fix them, as it makes it very unreadable.

As for your writing style, I must advise against using, "So yeah...", or "So" to start off your sentences numerous times during the story. When every sentence has a break with "yeah", it begins to feel repetitive and annoying. I get that you want to write informally, but you need differentiation in your sentence structure.

There's no tension in this story. The first bit where our character tells us (Breaking the rule of "show, don't tell") is meaningless to the plot. I don't care if he's antisocial and likes girls with blue hair who also like videogames and anime. It's not interesting to read. If you're telling a recount from a first person POV, then their personality should become apparent in the style of the story, not the protagonist directly telling us.

The problem with this story is that the conflict comes out of nowhere. Suddenly he's looking at girls who followed him, and then their boyfriends are dead. We know Miranda_Whoever is the killer. There's no foreshadowing, no tension, nothing to unnerve the reader. You need to build up to this event; make Miranda seem like an actual threat. Removing some of the earlier bits and replacing them with unnerving messages or photos from Miranda would probably held the story out a bit.

I've never used social media. Is it normal for one hundred people to follow you in one day? Seems a bit high. Also, why is our protagonist so freaked out that someone named Miranda is following him? Random people following you isn't that uncommon, especially out of one hundred.

"Cupid decided to shove her broken arrow up my ass" I'm sorry, but what?! This line does not belong in a serious horror story.

I think our protagonist needs a bit of characterization. The only thing I got from him is that he doesn't like people. Our character constantly reminds us that looking at these girl's profiles isn't creepy on his part. Again, this just doesn't matter to the story whether or not he's stalking them, unless he is a stalker.

Finally, I don't think anything with a hash tag can be truly scary. Imagine receiving a message that said: "I've killed your mother, and you're next. #cutupyourmother". It's just absurd and not creepy.

Admittedly, I'm in a piss-poor mood, so that's why I'm being a bit harsh on your story. That said, this needs aour great deal of work in the grammatical and story aspects.

Its fine i don't mind constructive criticism im sorry to hear your in a bad mood as i said it is a work in progress  so grammer and story won't be great but anyway thanks for your honest opinion!! Also the cupid thing was ment to be deleted also the j