Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140801224650/@comment-25148755-20140802051816

Honestly, I didn't really care for this one. You start out saying this is a story everyone tells their kids about this girl, but then at the end the authorities don't know who did the killing. That she would "need the mask for next year" just throws a wrench into the whole thing...why? She killed a kid that was bullying her; how does that turn her into a serial killer? Why were Alice's parents so nonchalant about their daughter being a murderer? I find it unlikely that a young girl would be wearing a metal mask heavy enough to kill someone with; most halloween masks are plastic, I don't think any are actually made from gold.

Your style is less smooth than I'm used to, and some of your phrasing is awkward. The general concept of an urban legend/deformed girl getting revenge is fine but I think this one needs some more polish.