Talk:The Final Fate of Mary Ford/@comment-30892069-20170110221228

This story had a few good ideas, but I need to address this.

Although I question the fact that a 1950's teacher would have a phone to call the parents. And Mary was such an arse, she hated on her parents and Jacob out of nowhere. If anything, she got mad after being caught. So why at the VERY end of the story, does Mary suddenley become passive and loving? Most of this story potrayed her as a hateful person, so it makes no sense why she suddenley becomes caring. I know so of you will say "I didn't understand the story", but the ending felt really cheap, as the cause for hate was jealously. The story never built it up as Mary being jealous. If anything, It showed that she loved to get Jacob in trouble, not being jealous to get him in trouble. That's NOT how you write jealousy, that's how you write an unlikeable character. If you want Mary to show traits of jealousy, give us more insight of her birth, and growing up, showing jealousy building up.

Hmm, building up? That reminds me of something... Oh yeah! BUILDING UP CHARACTERS! You did not build up Mary, or even Jacob. Mary seemingly out of nowhere hates her family, and Mary has such a foul mouth at such an age back then. Mary likes to mess with Jacob when he is vunerable, and make him get in trouble. THAT'S THE ONLY BUILD UP WE GOT! She's such an arse, and REALLY unlikeable. The ending QUICKLY changed her from being hateful, to be loving. The ending itself was really cheap, having a happy ending. Peter was convienatally at the train tracks when this happened. JACOB WAS EVEN AWAKE! WHY DOESN'T HE JUMP OR RUN OFF THE TRACKS? Jacob standing there was conviniant for the plot to have the reader get "Scared" at the train coming near. But even that failed. The ending was really predictable, of course Peter would be there to make the story end happy.

I feel something is missing though. oh yeah. WHERE IS THE CREEPY PART? This story barely had any build up to any creepyness, except for the cliche of "Person comitting suicide by train", in which the train was built up more than the character. I FEEL MORE SYMPATHY FOR THE TRAIN THAN I DO FOR MARY! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

This story had a good idea, a good intention, and started promising. But barely even a few paraghraphs in, it became cringy and awfully mean spirited. You ruined the story a few paragraphs in. I really didn't want to read the rest of this after being hateful out of nowhere, but I continued, hoping to give you the criticism you need.

My final rating is 3/10, and even that's stretching it. You got 3 points because of the idea. You had a good idea. You really did. But you ruined it a few paragraphs in. You built up the train more than Mary. Mary was hateful without a proper introduction, and the ending was cliche.You could've been a bit more creative with the attempted suicide. This story seems as if it was made up as you went, as this story has many plot holes like Mary's sudden characteristic of jealousy. Also, THIS STORY WAS NOT CREEPY. Did you post in the wrong wiki? It feels like a Feelpasta, but this is a really bad Creepypasta. Please get someone else to read your story before you post it online.

I hope you take this critisism and improve yourself.

Thank you.