Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3563804-20181121135933/@comment-3563804-20181121204131

NedWolfkin wrote: This story is riddled with spelling and grammar issues, so much so that I am only going to list a few to give you an idea what you did wrong. Honestly, this story has so many issues that I am going to go out of my usual way of reviewing for it, as it would be an endless string of continuations.

The first sentance has a lot wrong with it "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920" You forgot the word "born" and the words "the month of" are pretty pointless. "A baby girl was in the month of June 1920, They named her Sarah" that comma would work better as a period. "they a loved her the same when she was a little girl, they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl." What's with the first part, and why did you change tenses ("they always take care of her") at the end? Not only is that very last half ("they always take care of her since she is their precious little girl.") excessive and pointless, it also makes this a run-on sentence.

Throughout the story you change tenses. Since it takes place in the past it should be in past tense only.

There is a huge collection of misspelled, missing, and misused words throughout the story.

You often spell "say" when you mean "says" (i.e. "say Sarah to her mother") which in itself is wrong since this story should be in past tense.

Dialogue should be broken into seperate paragraphs when you change speakers.

There are a lot of points you should have used a period instead of a comma.

You add more exclamation points and question marks than necessary. Seriously, just one helps get the point across.

Now for the plot issues.

The title is misleading as this story has nothing to do with voodoo dolls.

Honestly, the spelling was so bad it mostly blinded me from the plot, which is incomprehensible to begin with. Usually when I review stories it takes only two or three reads, this one took five.

There is just something about the whole concept of someone turning a little girl into a doll that feels as if it has been done before already.

Sarah seeing a little girl doesn't go anywhere.

Nothing really creepy happens throughout the story, and even the (supposed to be) shocking ending isn't even scary. Actually when she discover the bodies of children that's already scary discver something like a body in a basement and some story are suppose to be shocking too.