Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28420405-20160518174633/@comment-28266772-20160519140124

Okay, so there was only one minor spelling error I noticed. There is a line that reads "collected me" when it should read "collected my". Other than that few grammatical/spelling errors, so that's very good.

Overall though while this is written with a good level of competence there are some problems with how the story is delivered. I'll outline my opinions in a list below.

1) There's too much descriptive information about things that don't necessarily matter. For example, you describe the church in great detail, but I don't believe the structure of the church helps inform the reader of anything that is central to the narrative. Maybe trim the superfluous descriptive material. If it doesn't contribute directly to the mood, plot, or characters, I'd cut it.

2) You over explain quite a few things that you don't need to. For example, you go to some length to justify the use of snail (traditional) mail. But most people, even in today's age of hyperconnectivity, would accept the idea of a small town with the classic little mail boxes that receive traditional mail. Similarly you over explain the idea that Jane and the pastor have no access to writing materials in prison. A simple line would have cleared that up. There are a couple of places where you over explain plot points that don't need so much attention.

3) The story structure serves to undermine the plot twist. You lead up to the big twist (the pastor did it), and then show everything get wrapped up neatly with a bow. Horror is one of the rare instances where this is something you probably shouldn't do. You should always stick a twist ending as close to the absolute end as possible. No trials, jury, etc. It's just not interesting, or shocking.

4) The second twist is not very interesting. It's the equivalent of an old cartoon that would come up with a title card reading, "The end.....or is it?" It's not a serial, so it shouldn't present us with a plot hook for a sequel. And, after the considerable amount of time and effort you put into explaining the order of events in great detail, it doesn't feel very believable, or earned. You sold me on the sequence of events we see, where a pastor blackmails people and commits muder, and his sister helps to cover it up. By revealing another letter, you undermine those events and don't provide a believable alternative.

5) This story fundamentally lacks atmosphere. It's really hard to balance ambiguity in horror, but fear fundamentally comes from the unknown and too much is known in this story. For me, I always believe that horror (in written words) comes from a startling revelation, and a good creepypasta can deliver this with more speed and efficiency than a lot of long-form novels. In fact, horror has generally thrived in the short-form format. Whether it's pulpy comics, radio serials, or just short story collections. This is because, with horror, less is more. So, for this story, maybe present a little less than what you do here, and try to revamp the descriptive passages you have to focus on a creepy and unsettling atmosphere.

6) The final point I'm going to make is about your twist, which you sign post way too heavily. You establish, with great clarity, that the pastor is lying, and hiding what is very clearly a criminal act. You also establish that this particular narrative contains one criminal act. It's not too hard to guess that the two are connected.

So, overall, you're a good writer. You write with a lot of clarity, and a lot of competence. That's a good thing! But in this particular instance, I think you've shone a little too much light on the order of events and have removed any suspense or mystery. With a little retooling though, I think this could be a good story. Hope you find my advice helpful!