Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26496972-20150306111929/@comment-25941663-20150306120143

You should be a bit more careful with the tense, I noticed once or twice you got it mixed up. Nothing huge, I am just reminding you. I noticed some small mistakes too, which would have been dealt with if you edited your story properly.

Apart from those technical issues, I am afraid this isn't good. There is no build-up, there is no character development and the subject in general is overdone. Virtual reality and pokemon isn't scary any more. You should have taken the time to flesh out your characters more. In one paragraph, we just can't get a feel of the characters. Also, nothing happens. Add some interaction between the friends, tell us a bit about the VR show (you end that part abruptly), explain in more detail what the narrator show in the VR world.

Finally, you should be more careful about plotholes. If the narrator is dead, then who is writing this? And why did his friend poison him? Actually, why did he show him the VR machine if he didn't want anyone else to know?

I am sorry, but this story has some serious issues. I can only suggest one thing: try and practise as much as you can. That's the only way to improve. Try reading some pastas posted on the main site and try writing whenever you get the chance. Nobody was born a great writer.

Happy writing.