Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160825190002/@comment-25226524-20160831160102

I'm going to use Christian's version since he's already pointed out several issues. My input will be in parentheses.

The BMW's headlights cut through the thick mist as the car drove past an alley of dark spruce trees. John, Kyle, Lambert and Nicky were paranoid. Fresh blood stained their cheap jumpers and jeans. They could make out vague shapes of animels [animals] fleeing before the vehicle and hear them crash into foliage when they faded from sight. [this sentence feels vague at times] (I really don't like that sentence. Feels unnecessary and awkward.  Make it into something more relevant and specific.)

"The Fuck! What's that?" John hit the brakes, avoiding the centre of the road. (that sentence doesn't suit the situation. There's no urgency, especially considering the following sentence tells us their situation is intense.)  The car spun out of control, tires screeched, the world was a rotating blur; they suddenly stopped, and their momentum threw them forward. (this sentence needs to be more specific. There's no separation between them and the car.  Something like: "it stopped suddenly, throwing their bodies forward.")

"What the fuck, J?" Nicky said.

"I saw a chick in rags, standing and gaping like a fucking drug addict in the middle of the road."

“John, get a grip. It was an illusion. That's all." Lambert barked. (why does this guy immediately assume it was an illusion? Seems like something from a bad tv show.  Also, never close a quotation with a period if you identify the speaker after.  Replace periods with a comma: "That's all," Lambert barked. It could also be an exclamation point since you said "barked".)

"Let's bury him here. It's empty, and the soil's good." [how would he know the soil’s good?] John said. (and what relevance does good soil have? Do you mean the ground looks soft for digging?)

They looked around keenly as they shambled out of the car. A rumbling was heard in the distance, and it steadily approached the men. The fog was becoming brighter.

"A car is coming," whispered John, "Kyle, turn around. Pretend you're taking a piss." (that should be a period after "John" because the following sentence isn't a continuation of the first, but rather a new and complete sentence.)

Unfortunately Kyle's bladder let go before he managed to unzip his jeans. A dark car drove past. Lambert choked, and his countenance became ghastly. When they saw the tail lights disappear, Nicky said. [said,]

"What happened to you? You look like you saw a ghost." (I hear/read this line a lot, but in my thirty-two years on this earth, I've never actually heard someone say "You look like you saw a ghost" in real life. It sounds very artificial to me.)

"Did you see the driver?" [absolutely essential that in groups with more than one person that you state clearly, everytime, who is speaking.]

"No?"

"The driver... it wasn't fucking human. It had a pale, hollow face, dirty clothes, she -- it -- looked like a lady. Sparse strands of hair. Greying. The eyes! Red like hell's fire." (again, this sounds incredibly artificial. I realize it's simply my opinion, but I don't think anyone would talk like that, especially in this situation.  I think you're suffering from what I've witnessed time and time again: subconsciously letting bad tv/stories dictate your dialogue.  It's not your fault, but you have to learn to avoid it.)

"Look, L, it's okay. We're all on egde, [edge] and that's normal for our first time-"

"First time! I'm not standing watch as you shove a guy's balls down his throath (throat) ever again, Nicky. I'm done." Kyle yelled. (should end with an exclamation point.)

"I'm not bullshitting!" Lambert began shouting suddenly. "I fucking saw what I saw." (this dialogue is better.)

Nicky told him to shut up, but he did not: "Just go and bury the fucking body!"

"Oh, you're the one giving orders now? After all I did for you, you motherfucker? I killed for you!" Nicky said. (back to bad dialogue.)

"He's still breathing, so finish you're [your] job, you cunt, and don't go telling me I'm fucking insane when I'm not. I know what I saw." (better again.)

"Oh, yeah?" Nicky said. Nicky launched himself at Lambert with his fist drawn back, poised for a devastating [devastating] blow. So devestating [devastating] that it knocked Lambert out. (I don't like anything about that line. The dialogue and the action both feel awkward.)

"Ungrateful fucker(.)" Nicky spat. (switch period to comma. I'll stop pointing this out, but keep an eye open for it.)

"Nicky, what the fuck! Why did you knock him out? He'll kill us when he wakes up; we'll be buried with that body." John said while Kyle started hyperventilating. (that second sentence really needs to go.)

After more arguments the three entered the forest; they searched through the trees and briars, listing (listening) to a whippoorwill (whip-poor-will) cry, until they found an enclosed, circluar [circular] opening with soft soil. A bush rustled audibly. The three turned around to inspect it, but they could not see in the mist. Sweat squeezed through their pores, and a sense of paranoia overtook them.

"Was it worth killing this guy?"

"If we continued to let him fuck around with L's girl, we'd all be six feet deep." John replied.

They started to trek through the briars and heather back to the car when they dug a hole six feet deep (I don't understand this sentence enough to explain what's wrong with it. Be sure to take a look at it). They opened the trunk. A fat man, with missing testicles, and covered in blood was flailing around and spitting out blood. (none of the commas in that last sentence are necessary. You also need to do something about the double use of "blood".)

Nicky gave a battle cry, and charged at the guy, beating him until he broke a few bones. (this severely lacks description.) The man was choking on the testicles in his oesophagus, and Nicky assisted him with a garrotte. (and this one has too much information. "in his oesophagus" is redundant since he's choking. Something like: "The man continued choking on his balls while Nicky assisted him with a garrotte.")

“Don't bother killing him, lets [let’s] just burry [bury] him alive.” John said.

They made the anoying [annoying] journey to the grave again. Kyle could not hold off when they reached the pit. He threw up. Kyle was too sick to help John and Nicky, so he just lay back as the two shoveled dirt unto the body. The trees around them looked like phantoms in the mist, but all else was silent.

“Do you smell that? It's smells like shit.” Nicky commented. The smell reminded him of rotting eggs and tomato's thrown in vinegar. His father made that concoction and spilt it in Nicky's room, and then beat him with a bar of soap in a sock whenever he misbehaved.

“Yeah, I smell it – can you smell it, Kyle?” Kyle mumbled an affirmation. It was so bad they could almost taste it

They recoiled when they heard Lambert’s bloodcurdling scream. The air became thick. The hair on their back stood up like marching soldiers.

The mist all around them started glowing in a pulsating red, a snake-like whisper surrounded them, they could make out distorted faces in the mist. A humanoid silhouette stepped out of the mist. It was bloated, two blood-shot eyes dangled out of their sockets, and a yellow liquid dripped out of its mouth.

Moss hung off its hands and face. A lacerated face. Though the worst thing was the bloody aperture in its stomach out of which four cords of intestine dropped out; one was wrapped around Lambert’s neck, dragging him along.

Kyle screamed frantically. One of the intestine sprang from the ground and flew into Kyle's throat and found it's [its] way to his hearth [heart] as he chocked [choked], then the intestine wrapped around the hearth and dislocated it from the arteries.

There has to be an explanation, John thought; there has to be a hallucinogen in the mist. Yes. That's it!

“Stay the fuck away, you hear me, you motherfucker.” Nicky said, pointing a gun at it. Another cord launched itself from the ground and wrapped around Nicky’s hand, pulling it towards John.

John tried to run away, but another cord of intestine slashed at him, crashing into his ankle. He collapsed. Nicky's finger massaged the trigger.

"Please. Don't shoot, just turn the gun away, come on. Fight it!" said John.

His finger wavered; the intestine slithered up that finger, depressing it with increasing force.

Bang.

Nicky saw nothing but a kaleidoscope of colors as he was crushed by the cords of intestine.

I stopped where I did because I kept seeing the same issues and didn't want to bother hammering them (I also need to run for a bit). It appears you're getting the technical aspects down, but your style needs a major overhaul. The dialogue is awkward/unnatural and your descriptive work needs some major adjustment. Since Christian's been helping you, I'm going to advise reading some of his work. And by read I mean study it. Of course read anything you can get your hands on, but right now his is easily accessible to you and you can actually discuss it with the source if you need to. This doesn't meet QS at the moment, but I think you could get it there with a couple more drafts if you do some serious reading/studying before moving forward. Good luck friend!