Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190725084302/@comment-5733573-20190804061215

Bob,

I'm afraid this story simply will not work the way you want to tell it. Telling it from the prisoner's point of view without anything to ground it in normal consciousness puts it too far off the beaten path to be accessible. One of the only ways I could see this working is as an interview or conversation with an eventual rescuer. I know that alters the ending you're going for, but you simply can't get your points across without a normal mind thrown into the mix.

The "old man" has always confused me. Is there a reason why he's an old man? Wouldn't it make more sense if the other captive is also a woman? Maybe she's older, having been there for longer. Maybe she's younger and newer. Making it an old man just adds and extra layer of confusion that this story really can't afford.

The emotional moments are still coming on too abruptly. For example, after the incident with the bowl of food, we have no indication of what emotion she's feeling. All of a sudden she's rocking and sobbing. It's jarring and confusing and the reader feels like they've missed something. If you want us to pick up on certain emotions, you have to give us the chance by making them clear enough.

Finally, many of your paragraphs contain too many topics. For instance, your second paragraph makes three different barely connected points: she didn't know what was wrong with her, she sought comfort in the Holy Spirit, and her mansion looks and feels a certain way. Ideally, at least the last of these points should have its own separate paragraph. There are more examples of this in the story.

Bottom line: the situation you've created is sick, twisted, and horrifying, but in order to show it off most effectively, the framing of the story really needs to change.

J. Deschene