Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20161128051437/@comment-25226524-20161129181126

Overall I enjoyed the story. I feel like you chose a good middle ground with the prose. You could have went too antiquated or easily too modern, but I think you found a nice balance. It did feel a tad bit compressed, but it wasn't so much so that it felt rushed. It simply felt like the story was meant for about double the word count. That being said, I think when considering what you're modeling this from, it's actually pretty spot on. And I by no means expect you to double its length, but I do think it would benefit from some extra insight.

I'm a bit torn.

I suppose it feels like everything you created for this story deserves more adventure. The magical items along with all of the characters you developed leave me wanting more, which I suppose is a good thing, but in a way all of those great creations feel a bit under-utilized. I felt like his excursion wasn't harrowing enough. It also wraps up too quickly. The conclusion doesn't do justice to the previously painted scene. I would like to see the boy reflecting on what he went through and the importance of his success, as well as a bit more of him considering what would be next. Perhaps a bit more dialogue between the squire and sorceress wouldn't hurt.

To sum up, I think you did a great job with this, but how well you did is actually part of the problem. Does that make sense? If you had half-assed some of the aspects I mentioned above, I likely wouldn't have seen anything wrong with it. Even if you don't make many changes, I still think it's a solid story. Hope my thoughts help.

Below are some sentences that I think need some attention. I will attempt to explain what I feel is the problem with each. There were a few small mistakes here and there that I won't bother mentioning because I think they'll easily be caught by you with another reading.

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The boy turned and clenched his jaw at the insult but held his tongue when he saw the robes of a nobleman adorned by the man. (I feel like "adorned by the man" is unnecessary and feels off. If you removed it the sentence would read smoother.  Mentioning that the boy saw the robes of a nobleman is clearly implying the man is wearing them.)

Although, in the light of things, it might be wise to avoid such things until a more appropriate time, wouldn't you say? (I think the double use of "things" needs adjusted.)

It belonged to our goddess and was in her hands when she succumbed to the Enemy and taken from us. (I'm not positive on this one. What was taken?  The goddess or the object?  If it's the goddess, then it needs to be "was taken".  If the object was what was taken, then the whole sentence needs restructured.  I think you're referencing the goddess, but I couldn't be certain.)

Like I said, the Fates do have a strange sense of humor. (for some reason "Like" seems out of place. Perhaps "As I said"?)

The boy was ever so careful to be mindful of the position of the sun to give himself sufficient time needed to make camp before nightfall came. (this sentence feels overly complex)

In two days time, he stood before the forbidden forest's edge of the Devil's Mouth. (some confusion for me. "forbidden forest's edge" or "edge of the Devil's Mouth"? I think something needs reworded.)

The Squire pushed himself off the ground with only moments to spare as the black root stabbed the ground he previously occupied. (for some reason "previously occupied" feels awkward. A bit dry I think.)

It bellowed a loud howl and backed up to give itself space to build up speed to make the leap across the opening. (overly complex. When I say this, I mean it doesn't flow right. It breaks immersion.  When this happens, sometimes the sentence needs simplified, but other times it needs broken into two sentences somehow.)

The white creature easily batted away each strike with its two short and twisted blades it held in each hand. (either "its" or "it" needs to go. You could easily replace "its" with "the" I think.)

Paralyzed, it wailed in agony from the silver salt the boy had put into his mouth unnoticed before his head was plunged underneath the cold water. (too complex.)

Sorceress who had foreseen his arrival. She anxiously waited for his arrival (double use of arrival so close together caught my attention.)

"in the soft hand of Aliadria.

Alidadria fell to her knees" (one of the names is misspelled.)