Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160926093727/@comment-28266772-20160927155647

Hey Nach! I’m gonna have to a bit redundant here and address problems that Empy will have picked out. Reading this story and his suggestions I’d say I mainly agree with his points, but I’d still like to offer a review anyway because I might pick out things he didn’t.

-

There was once a boring man named Johnny. He lived a quiet, boring life working a boring 9 to 5 job. Each one of his neighbors in his boring appartment [apartment] complex was numerous [this feels awkward – maybe try ‘many’] times more interesting than Johnny himself. Nothing about him stood out, from his thinning brown hair, bespectacled brown eyes, and always clean shaven cheeks, to his soft spoken, dull voice and his quiet but polite demeanor. '[because you’re describing something boring it might be worth using similes to spice up the descriptions. I’m reminded of a politician who once described conversing with a rival as “being savaged by a dead sheep” – sometimes a good metaphor can help you introduce humour without sacrificing the message that something is boring and unremarkable] Though not quite forgotten by society, at least as far as his bills were concerned, Johnny had no real friends and the opposite gender all but ignored his existence [existence]'. He would without a doubt live out his life alone until he grew old and died in a boring way, and that was just fine with Johnny.

One night found Johnny waking up around 2am. While this may not seem that strange to some, for Johnny this was highly unusual. Upset about the disturbance of his boring daily routine, it took Johnny a few moments to notice what it was that had woken him. An incessant itching in his right ear. He scratched and scratched until a sudden stab of pain made him yelp. A little bit of blood showed between his fingernails and a look in the mirror confirmed. Sure enough, he'd scratched too hard and broken the skin. It was nothing a small bandaid couldn't fix however and the itch was gone at least. The pain too was already fading. Johnny didn't think [any] more of it and returned to sleep.

The next day was as uneventful as it had ever been. Johnny woke up, ate his breakfast, read the morning newspaper, and went to work. None of his colleagues seemed to notice the bandaid on Johnny's ear as no one made a comment. In truth, if the bandaid didn't serve as a reminder, Johnny himself would have found it difficult to say something had happened. His ear didn't hurt at all anymore, although the scratches still bled a little. Johnny decided to forget the small, nighttime anomaly and returned to work.

The night that followed was spend [spent] in a dreamless but restfull slumber. As always, Johnny woke up exactly 2 [two] minutes before his alarm went off. Truly, he didn't need the device but keeping it on was a force of habit. Johnny began to move in order to get up and begin his boring daily routine but his limbs refused to cooperate. Try as he might, his body would not move. The fury that washed over him at this unwanted change in his normally predictable life could not fuel his seemingly paralyzed figure. He could not rise to go to work, or get breakfast. He could not raise a hand to read his daily morning newspaper. He could not even lift a finger to turn of the alarm that sounded loud and proud for the first time in years. At least the alarm quieted down after the pre-programmed amount of time had passed, leaving Johnny in the silence of his bedroom with nothing more than the sound of an odd, quiet rustling that seemed to originate from within his own skull. '[from a neural point of view paralysis can be difficult to achieve but not unfeasible. If you’re interested, it may be more feasible to use a neurotoxin. If you’d rather keep the image of the brain being ‘eaten’ then from a neural perspective you’d probably see something occur near the base of the skull/top of the spine. Look here at the pons and that’s the area most commonly associated with the absolute near-coma like paralysis you describe.] '

It was two weeks before someone decided to mention of [delete; of] Johnny's disappearance. His landlord, annoyed that the door was closed from the inside and that bills were unpaid, informed the cops and they broke in. They found Johnny in the bedroom laying in his own filth on top of the bed. An expression quite unlike the even-mannered Johnny was etched upon his face: one of pure unadulterated horror. Nothing within the boring apartment [apartment] was out of place however, and there were no signs of anyone else breaking in. The coroner estimated the time of death to be only a few days prior to discovery. The cause of death left even the most gifted in the medical profession mystified: Johnny's entire brain was missing. Each one overlooked the small detail of a pinprick hole in the flexible eardrum of Johnny's right eardrum. Afterall, a brain could not just escape in that manner. Completely mystified, they gave the body of that [delete; that] boring Johnny a spot in their extraordinary laboratories to study extensively.

Few remember Johnny during life but many can recall him after his death. But really, don't strive to be like Johnny. Try to always have a friend nearby. It won't save you when it scuttles in your room and pushes through the soft membrane of your ear, but their voices of concern will at least distract you from the quiet gnashing jaws deep within your skull.

-

Mechanical issues – few here and there, nothing to get worried over.

Style issues – over use of ‘boring’ is a bit grating. Like Empy points out this feels like you’re telling us, not showing us. A similar story that deals with a similar plot is a story called Volatile Routine by Demuerto. That achieves a similar effect to your own story but without relying on overused statements. It’s definitely a story you should check out since it’s similar enough to your own that you can study what it gets right, and what it gets wrong.

Plot issues – Empy’s experience trumps my own with regards to brain eating parasites (good God man that must have been a bad week). But I think you might find my suggestion about the midbrain offers you a way to get around these issues. You might very well be attached to the ear thing – but I think an ominous lump on the back of the neck achieves a similar effect.

Overall though this is an interesting story with lots of potential. And Jay is right - the premise is suitably disgusting. The idea of this sort of paralysis is horrific and disgusting and I certainly feel badly for poor Johnny.

-

Now for the pitch - set this story in Hallowroots and it's good to go for the collab! ;D

Seriously though, read the intro Vernian Marble to get a sense of the town. It wouldn't be hard to place this story in that setting and put it in the collab if you're at all interested. Better yet you can have the main character work at Intra Inc (where my other collab story is set) and it's even got some references right there. It doesn't have to be a lot of work - just minor tweaking (Boring Johnny has a boring job at the not so boring company Intra Inc./ Boring Johnny drives home the same route every day through the not-so-boring town of Hallowroots).

Just... consider it.