Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25681121-20141224205254/@comment-4750363-20141226214727

The story itself is not bad, I'd say. However it's kinda strange, in my opinion, that he decided to take the laptop with him. It just doesn't make much sense to be homeless and have a laptop.

Unless this was written very soon after he ran away, which at least would fix that little detail.

It isn't something terribly important, but it did bother me. Other than that, there are not really that many problems with the story.

Now, onto a different matter. You seem to write strange. You write a sentence. Then another. And another. In short succession. Just like I did. It's not adequate. Except in some cases.

I suggest you rewrite the story to either have longer sentences or have more commas, period after period makes the story flow unnaturally, which can break the immersion.