Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20170922031605/@comment-26475800-20170924163821

"When night befell the quaint little town crowded with quaint little neighborhoods, a quaint little house stood amongst the rest." I know what you're going for her but it seems childish. It's like the crooked man poem, which is the first thing that came to mind when reading this.

"lye" wrong use of lye, this kind of lye is a mineral that was used to clean close and decompose bodies.

"The room was still, the quiet was enough to deafen an ear more than any thunder or explosion ever could." try "the quiet was deafening, more so that any thunder or explosion."

"And young Max was enjoying the peace as best he could, for his previous day had been as stressful as could be." Get rid of the And.

"However, just before he drifted off, he heard a noise that came to his attention." End this sentence as noise. If he heard it, you don't need to say it came to his attention.

"Although startled, Max soon comforted himself." Show don't tell. How did he comfort himself?

"He knew something was in the house. He knew he wasn't alone." That was quick seeing he knew there was no way anyone could get into the house. Maybe have him search the house before or something, build the tension of this a little more.

"And despite him being young and impressionable, even he was knowledgeable enough to know that he was a child, and children often imagined things that never really occurred." You could cut this down by just saying that it was him imagination. Sure you can make it more wordy, but this is a bit of overkill.

"When Max woke up he noticed three things." Why did he wake up?

"and what had woke him up was the house alarm" that's what woke him, but have that be known when he woke up.

" Next to the door marks cut into the wooden wall created a thin crevice which created a path" If it's dark, how can he see this? Did he turn on a light, or does he sleep with the light on?

Can't tell hair color from a silhouette. In fact, he wouldn't be able to see so many details as you mentioned from just a silhouette.

Okay, so I decided to stop going through line by line and will give you a review of the over all story. There is some weird wording here, which could be cleaned up if you read it aloud, you should find it.

The story itself had a few plot holes that ruin the story. How did the man get in if all the windows and doors were locked and the alarm was set? How was he knocked out for, what I can only assume, is hours? Why did the cops take until morning to get to the house? Trace amounts should be changed to something more then just trace amounts.

The story could be something more then a slasher breaking into someone's house. Build the tension and the characters. At least give us some more details about Max, make him more human. Although slashers are not something that I really care for, but you can have something that will work here if you give more details and edit it a bit. Not all stories have to be so short, and with this being so short, it makes the reader wanting more. Expand it to give more details, more tension.

The action of this story was over shortly after it started, so that kills the fear that could be built up, drag it out longer. Get the story to be dripping with tension and fear. Really get into Max's head so that we can see how scared he is, and that should be able to transfer to the reader.

Hope this little review helps.