Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181220225142/@comment-35711173-20181227015927

L0CKED334, I have had problems with posts disappearing. So, I am going to try posting it in smaller chunks.

Normally I critique English and then the story. I've seen the story before, so I will focus on your use of English.

You have nine run-on sentences that I found. Too many complicated thoughts are in one sentence.

No matter how much they loved one another, he was not sure how he and his wife could get past a bump like this, considering they were already three months behind on the mortgage.

He began with a sales pitch that reminded Tim of a used car salesman and attempted to convince Tim that the box could change his life completely with a simple turn of the handle.

A wonderful aroma erupted from the room and when he asked what was for dinner she simply told him to finish his drink and get comfortable, that she would reveal the surprise soon enough.

She mimicked the woman from the front desk and handed him a folder, reminding him of upcoming appointments as she followed him back to another door which led to his actual office.

Tim had always hated being cornered by panhandlers and initially, he had intended on just making an excuse to get out of the situation but when he took the time to really look, he noticed who stood before him with her hand was held out for help.

Tim winced at the thought of the box shattering on the tile but Black simply watched it land with a loud thud, almost as if it were a cement block instead of wood.

“The Hellbox, it always turns your world to Hell, destroying everything in its path and when you want out it makes you pay for it,” he sniveled, snot dripping from his nose.

“If you have not found someone else to take the Hellbox before it gets back to the time it started on, then your soul will be trapped in Hell,” the janitor’s eyes were intent on Tim’s as he said this.

The man shoved it back, “Oh no, I have seen my Hell,” he said as stepping backward, “I used that damned thing to wish my life back to how it was before my wife died and I have spent the last two months watching her get run over by a city bus every morning on her way to the market and I won’t do it another day!”