Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25609857-20150305220706/@comment-24976741-20150305233646

I'm sorry, but are you screwing with me with the gramical issues? Seriously, it looks like you just wrote it down as it came to mind and payed no attention to your wording or your spelling.

Gramical Issues

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Jesus man! Remember to capitalize your I's for pete sake!

Just in general, remember to actually put commas down when coming to the word but and other conjugations, or when the sentence feels like it broke off onto another sentence.

Here's what I hear after every sentence. something something but. something something but. something something but.

Also I'm noticing a lot of this. Blank then blank blank blank. Blank then blank blank blank. Blank then blank blank blank.

Please, please! Learn how to word things properly, I'm begging you dear sir!

I cringe at these sentences, "I then violently murdered her.", " but until the day i killed her because of my own insanity.", "   I sat and waited for 5 minutes waiting and she was the last person to arrive.", " It made my day so happy i just couldn't wait to meet her.", " After a while we began to do some work on a work sheet and wile it was being handed out i began to draw.", " Then that year was the best year have had.", " It then was the first football game of the season.", " I after a couple hours i told my friends i was going home.", " You didn't love me... After all I tried to get you to love me, so I'm giving you one last chance!".

I can't even point out the amount off grammical mistakes you've made. All I can do is point out the things in general and give you this to work with. http://www.spellcheck.net/

General thoughts

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We might as well slap a condemned sign on this one and throw it over to troll pasta, because this abomination is not worth saving! Seriously though, I could not read a single paragragh of this without laughing or connecting my hand with my face.

Now! If you want to try to save this "thing", then here's what you'll need to do. First off, too obvious of a outcome! Too cliche and waaaaaaaay to blan of a story. If I was to read this on a random whim I would of clicked off half way through. The outcome was rush, stupid, once again way to predictable, and unoriginal.

You need to build tension somehow, maybe by showing the character slowly developing feelings then going through major depression after getting rejected. Not! by going 0-100 in 5 seconds. Even the ending was horrible. "  Just as the police arrive i fled from the school never to be seen again." Bad ending, just plain rubish. Instead you should have shown him getting caught and slowly going insane as he plans his nearly perfect escape into the world to once again become a danger to humanity.

Btw the way, all the screaming was the reason they came running? Not the fact that they were both yelling pretty loudly, that would have at least left a minute for someone to come.