Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31111342-20170128030448

Just wrote this pasta, tell me what you think. Is it good, is it bad? Does it work as a pasta or just as a short story? Anything I can fix or change? Lemme know! I'd especially like some opinions on the ending.

Deep in the mountains of Colombia, shrouded by mist and surrounded by rainforest, a new discovery had been made by researchers looking for new species of flora and fauna.

It was an old stone tablet, engraved in an unknown language. A short search revealed more of them. All of them were the same size, and while many had more writing on them, others had pictures. The images were of strange beings, taking on forms that resembled no beings known to man.

This news quickly caught the attention of archaeologists, but one man in particular was captivated by the tablets. His name was Gregory Barber. After being invited to check them out, he was determined to learn more about the civilization that had created them. He wanted to know who they were, what they did, where they went and what the tablets were about. He copied the ancient writing down in his notebook, spending several minutes on each symbol to make sure it was perfect. With permission, he was able to take one of the picture tablets back to his lab in Augusta, Maine. He chose the one of the creature he was most fascinated by.

It looked like serpent, but with small legs like ones on a millipede, and a large, round, staring eye that took over its entire head. It must have been some sort of deity, but of what?

The three years that followed was full of painstaking work and research. Translating the tablets was impossible, but he was at least able to figure out that this civilization used a script similar to hieroglyphics, using symbols in place of letters. He made several trips into Colombia to look for more artifacts and to speak with some of the native tribespeople that lived nearby. During those trips, he found more tablets, including a larger one that appeared to be a star map.

He had also met a native who spoke a little bit of Spanish. She did not seem to recognize any of the writing, but was able to give information about the strange, legged serpent. Gregory himself could not speak Spanish, but his translator, Mateo Dias, told him she was talking about a local myth.

The serpent was supposedly a goddess responsible for both creation and destruction, named Atoa. She carved the Amazon River with her enormous tail, and resided in cavern deep in the Cordillera Oriental mountains, yet still was said to have had a temple built for her. She was unable to tell them where this temple was, to Gregory’s disappointment, but she did have more information on Atoa’s personality.

“She is a jealous and vengeful goddess,” Mateo translated. “When she feels slighted, she punishes the culprit very severely.”

Gregory was an Atheist, and so this story was nothing more than an interesting bit of myth to him. What he really cared about was the temple. He believed it must have been stocked with treasures and ancient art, and if it wasn’t, he was still eager for the fame that would surely come with being the first person to uncover a long-lost creation from an unknown civilization.

Based on the story he was told, he assumed the temple would be in the rainforest, but didn’t rule out the possibility of the site being in the mountains instead. Surely the tablets would give him a clue, but without being able to decipher the language, he was stuck. It was only when he took a second look at the star map that he began to find a clue. The circular image was split into twelve equal parts, which he guessed had to do with the twelve months of the year. With that in mind, it was now looking more like an astrology chart than a star map. There was different constellation in each section, and one of them resembled a serpent.

After making a sketch of the chart, he returned to Colombia one last time. Specifically, he went back to the place he had found the original astrology tablet. Gregory studied the chart. The constellation of Atoa was on the sixth section, counting clockwise. That would stand for June. After calculating where the sun would peak that month, he journeyed to where he would be directly beneath it. It was a long trek through untamed wilderness, but eventually, he found what he was looking for.

It was standing on a high hill, encircled by large, carved stones. He couldn’t make out what was on the stones, due to the overgrown plants surrounding them. The temple itself was made of the same stone as the tablets and the stones outside. It also appeared to be rather small from the outside, which disappointed him. Still, he thought, ''I found it. ''

Gregory stepped inside. It was dark, and smelled of mold. He looked around with his flashlight, which revealed more of the symbols. They covered every inch of wall. As he curiously traced their shapes with his finger, he suddenly felt a strange shiver down his spine and stopped. He assumed it was just because of the silence and the darkness, but as he looked around, he felt an odd sense of foreboding. But he could not let his curiosity fail him now. He had come this far, and he was going to uncover the secrets of the temple no matter what.

He walked until there was only empty space under his foot. He slipped into the hole before he could react, and landed with a hard thud on the stone below. He was in a tunnel just a few feet below, and suddenly, there was a lot to explore. But he just wanted to find the treasure, find the secrets.

Basing his choice solely on his gut feeling, he walked down the right side of the tunnel before reaching a forked path. He went to the left, this time without having to even hesitate. It was as though his feet were simply guiding him on instinct.

The deeper into the tunnel he went, the stranger things got. Gregory began to hear noises. Whispers, really. He couldn’t make out what was being said, and realized with a bit of shock that he might have been hearing someone, or something, speaking in the language of the tablets. The sound grew louder as he continued through the tunnels, and he followed them into a large, circular chamber. The voice was now practically shrieking in his ears. Every alarm in his brain was firing. This wasn’t right. He had to go.

Yet, when he pointed his flashlight at the center of the room to see a stone pillar topped with a large emerald, Gregory’s greed overtook his common sense. He dashed for it, as the shrieks continued.

Upon touching the gemstone, his body became overwhelmed with a sensation. It felt like static shock, but it took over every fiber of his being. His heart started beating at a frightening rate, and his head felt like it was being crushed by something huge. At the same time, his vision blurred. The room seemed to be contorting and moving, but somewhere in the back of his mind, Gregory was conscious that he himself hadn’t moved a muscle since he touched the emerald. In fact, only a second had passed, but to him it felt like several minutes of agony. The last thing he saw was a giant, golden eye staring back at him, before everything turned black.

But he wasn’t dead. He was simply surrounded by darkness. He couldn’t hear anything, nor did he feel anything. But he was conscious, and he could move. When he spoke, asking where he was, there was no response. There was no echo, either. In fact, it sounded as though he had only heard the words inside his own head, but he knew that he had spoken them allowed.

The truth came to him slowly. He couldn’t believe it at first, then he refused to believe it. But within a few hours- at least, he assumed it had taken hours, based on the lack of time in this dark world- this was Atoa’s punishment.

She was the one who had sent him here, as punishment for ignoring her shrieks back in the tunnels and for trying to steal her treasure. Perhaps it was even revenge for his refusal to believe in her existence. The native woman had said the punishment would be severe, but he never imagined this. This felt like a mockery of everything he believed in: that no gods ruled over humanity, that no gods even existed. He had believed that nothing happened after death, and that personal gain at the expense of the demands of a deity was okay.

But now he was stuck there for all eternity, in a realm where nothing existed except for himself. 