Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29369495-20160730163628/@comment-28060931-20160731100917

Firstly, I think you say "Da-da, Da-da, Da-da." instead of "Da-da", Da-da".

"Coming, sweetie!" "Da-da", "da-da", "da-da." A new paragraph starts with each piece of dialogue, it should be

"Coming, sweetie!"

"Da-da..."

I have no idea about this, but shouldn't a baby call her father "Da-da" and her Mother "Ma-ma." Just a thought.

Tense changes: P1: "her baby WAS calling her." Past, P2: "She WASHED her hands... and WIPED them..." Past, P2: "She OPENS the door... She PICKS up her baby... Angel BLINKS..." All are present.

Next: "Omg, how could she forget?" I think you should replace "Omg" with "O my god", or "Shit!" because I don't think people would think "Omg" in a serious moment like this; the mother just realised she left her baby unnatended.

Does the baby not call her after she closes the door, before she turns on the radio? Does she hear it?

Lastly, this whole story is a bit vague-- not in a good way: why does the baby exactly fall out of the crib? Was it just an accident? Was he acctually calling his father, "Da-da", and because there was no mention of him in the story, did he leave the family, come back and the baby saw him; and he pushed over the crib.

I'm not a very attentive reader, and that renders me a bit bad of a critic, so I may have missed something.

Lastly, I don't get the ending: did the baby survive? Was it the baby saying "Da-da."? Was it a demon, ghost? There wasn't really anything scary here, the story lacked atmosphere, description, and explanation. The build-up was good, but the payoff was not.

I hoped this help. I'm not a great critic, I know, but I hope this helped at least a little.