Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29255392-20160723224227/@comment-28266772-20160725151339

Adam loved his life, [semicolon] he wasn’t rich [comma] so to say [comma again, yay!] but he could live happily. His wife was gorgeous and his only son was beautiful. Adam was a religious man, attending church every Sunday without fail. One fine August Sunday, he attended church as usual. Neither his wife nor son shared in his beliefs, but he was ok with that and he usually attended church alone. Today was an exception as so it happened, tomorrow was his son’s 18th birthday and his mother wanted to spend that Sunday in preparation. Adam’s son, Matthew, had some plans after church so they agreed that he would take the car after the service and go visit friends who wanted to celebrate his birthday early. Adam wore his usual suit to church, a fine black jacket with a fancy tie, Matthew simply wore a nice shirt and some black jeans. Adam sighed when he saw him but chuckled it away. [Sounds like a nice outfit for Matthew; why is Adam acting like a dick?] “Ready to go?” [new speaker new line] Adam asked, his voice strong but gentle. [new speaker new line] “Yea, sure,” Matthew replied, sighing that he had to attend this stupid ceremony of a faith he didn’t believe in. “Chin up” replied his father, “You aren’t the one to walk home today.” Mathew chuckled [repetition] and they were on their way.

“Our lady of perpetual faith” was the name of the church,[semicolon] an old stone building that was almost one hundred years old. Inside was a massive sanctuary with a vast number of pews, each engraved with the words “Our lady of perpetual faith” in an old script font, and a giant golden cross hung above the main alter. Adam had to wake his son up a few times during the sermon, it was something about the end was near and so on. After the service, Matthew ran to the car and simply shouted “Bye Dad!” and before Adam could respond “Drive Safe and be home by 10!” '[so yeah – new speaker new line. Read the style guides on this wikia to see how to properly format dialogue] 'He was pulling out of the parking spot. Adam sighed and chuckled [try to avoid coming back to the same image again and again; there are other words to say similar things] to himself as [he] turned his phone on,[no comma]as he usually turns it off during the service [weird time to switch this style; why not just say “because he’d turned it off for the service]. [There was->] One missed call. He checked his voicemail and found it was his wife, “Hi dear, I was hoping that you could stop by the farmers [farmers’] market on the way home to grab some fruit for tomorrow. I hope the service was good and I will see you soon. I love you and I can’t wait for you to get home.” *Click* '[In prose you should avoid doing this sort of stylistic flourish and instead just say “there was a clicking noise” – but then again, why bother? Everyone knows how voicemail works] Adam chuckled [again? There are other words like giggled, laughed, guffawed etc.] 'and started walking to the farmers market, it wasn’t too far from the church and he had to pass by it anyhow.

The day was nice and warm and he whistled some of the church tunes he heard not too long ago [like wasn’t it minutes ago in the church?]. Those damned tunes always were stuck in his head after a service. His stomach growled at him, [semicolon] he had [no past participle here i.e. get rid of the ‘had] realized he [ironically you need the past participle here i.e. “he had forgotten”] forgot to eat breakfast and decided to grab a bite to eat at the market on the way home. When he got there, it was just after 10 '[spell out numbers less than/equal to ten; also what time exactly is this? Church service is usually in the morning and that’s when I imagined this but now the farmer’s market is closing] 'and a number of people were closing down, sold out of the morning’s goodies. He grabbed some strawberries and blueberries, those were Mathew’s [you’ve switched spellings of Matthew by here] favorites, and he absolutely loved the ones fresh at the market. Adam walked to a small stand with a beautiful woman standing alone, beneath her was a sign that simply stated “Fresh Apples.” He walked over to grab one for his walk home. The woman had long black hair and soothing blue eyes, her skin was pale and looked delicate. “Hello,” the woman giggled, she couldn’t have been much older than his son, “My name is Lucy, my father asked me to sell some of his apples here but I haven’t had much luck,” he voice trailed off as she slowly looked down…suddenly she shot her head up with a huge smile, slightly cocking her head with her eyes almost closed, she chirped “Would you like to buy an apple?” Adam smiled, it was clear that her smile was contagious, “Sure” he responded “I am famished,” [Start a new sentence here] she smiled and said [you should take this ‘said’, replace it with a comma and move it…->] with a tone that could calm any man […over here], “Well I have one special for you!”  She turned around and grabbed a small bundle of cloth, facing back at Adam she removed the cloth and showed a shining red apple. “Here you go! Fresh from my father’s favorite tree!” She smiled and handed him the apple. “How much for it?” he inquired, reaching for his wallet. Never losing her peaceful smile she simply said, “Father told me not to sell that for money! So you can just have it!” her voice chirped off. “Thank you, you are very kind Lucy” Adam responded in a kind voice. He started to walk away as she chirped “Bye Adam!” he kept walking, confused as to how she knew his name. They never met before, not to his knowledge. He took a bite of the apple, it was so juicy and delicious that he couldn’t help but to [<- get rid of infinitive i.e. no more ‘to’] close his eyes and give a slight “mmm” [new sentence] Everything went quiet.

He opened his eyes and he was no longer at the market. Simply he [He simply not ‘simply he’] saw a vertical line in front of him. On the left was pure black, where the right was a bright white. Neither colors showed any discoloration and the closer he walked, the further it moved away. He started hearing those old church tunes, but only to his right. They sounded different, peaceful, feeling unlike he had ever heard before. He didn’t worry where he was, the music kept him calm. Going to take another bite from the apple…it was gone [awkward wording in this sentence]. Just vanished from his hand. As he looked to see if he dropped it, another sound became apparent. From his left, there was screaming. Ungodly sounds that made his spine shake, screams that could not be made from any beast he knew of. It was getting louder. Looking back at the line, on his left was the screams and on his right was the music. Each grew to a defining [deafening] level and as he threw his hands to his ears the line started to bend. He couldn’t tell if it was moving or if it was the sound blaring that [and not ‘that’] his mind was losing focus. Suddenly the line swirled into a tornado that traveled toward Adam. His legs [were] unable to move [as] it approached him. The sounds came from all around now [tense change], the screaming meshed with the music into a sound that he could not describe as the whirl of black and white traveled into his chest. He felt a burning sensation as if his entire body caught fire from the inside and the flames would soon lick out of his skin. He was lifted into the air, unable to guard his ears from the sound that was still getting louder. He felt blood drip from his ears and from his nose, he was unable to tell if the liquid running down his cheeks were blood or tears flowing from his eyes, and as he screamed floating in the air, all white vanished inside him from the stream flowing into his chest. The sound died out, so did the pain. “Am I dead?” was all he could think before falling unconscious.

Birds, chirping in the distance, Adam awoke in a field. His head throbbing so loud that his heartbeat echoed inside his head, sounding like he had two hearts. After a while, he managed to stand up and admire his surroundings. “H-Hello?” he shouted, the only response was his echo in the distance. He started walking, feeling a familiar presence of the forest he traveled in. Further ahead, he saw what looked like ruins of an old building. All that remained were a few walls and benches. He stumbled inside the giant archway that he could have sworn he had seen before, inside he saw more stones and a creek that must have formed through the building. He sat on one of the benches, catching his breath. He saw some dirt on it and pushed some of the dirt away, revealing an engraving. “Faith” was what he could see, confused, he stood up and brushed away more of the dirt. “Lady of perpetual Faith” Adams eyes grew wide. He knew this place, because he was here not too long ago. Stumbling backward in the once familiar church, he fell into the new creek. The water burned his skin and as he struggled to free himself from this tortuous water, some slipped inside his mouth and burned his insides, screaming and thrashing he finally made his way out. The water that clung to him felt like matches were being extinguished onto his skin. He stopped screaming, but the sound continued. Thinking it must be an echo, Adam looked at his skin trying to stop any damage that might have been done…..nothing [try not to use ellipses in the narrative]. Not a single mark or burn remained on his skin, not even as much as a small red mark remained. He reached down at the water, his hand stopped inches above the surface. He tried pushing it closer but his hand would not obey. He noted that the screaming still continued, so he stood to see if he could locate the source, still perplexed as to why he couldn’t move his hand closer. Looking around, he saw a small golden object peeking out of the leaves and dirt up ahead. It was the cross that hung from the ceiling. He reached to grab it, and the instant he did, it felt as if it were molten iron burning out of his grasp. The screaming grew louder. After dropping the golden cross, he looked at his hand….nothing. No marks whatsoever.

Adam grew frightened as the screaming came from all directions, he ran in a familiar direction for what appeared to be ages, until he reached another familiar building. This one stood, the same way it stood the last time he walked out. It was his house. Walking up to the door, he opened it carefully. Everything was exactly as he left it, not even so much as a cobweb had grown while he was away. “Hello? Is anyone home?” he yelled looking around. He finally noticed that the screaming was gone. As he walked around, memories flooded in, his wife making dinner, the parties they held for Matthew. “Matthew” he whispered, heart sinking. He heard a familiar giggle upstairs, “Hello,” cried a familiar voice, as calm and peaceful as the first time he heard it, “My name is Lucy,”



She walked down the stairs, dressed in what looked like a long black wedding dress, accented by a hard red color. “Welcome to Father’s garden, welcome to the new Eden” she chirped, “G-Garden? E-eden?” Adam was aghast, he soon found his composer [composure] and responded in a harsh tone, firing off questions, “Where am I? What did you do to me? How did you know my…” he was cut off, “SILENCE” cried Lucy, in a tone that sounded cold and evil. A laughter echoed in Adam’s head, one that sounded like the screams that echoed before. “Pardon me, I can have quite the temper” Lucy giggled, “Now, all these questions” Lucy clapped at the start of each word as she chirped each one. “I guess some answers are due,” she motioned Adam to his living room. She plopped down next to Adam, the laughter still echoing in his head. “Now then, fire away, but please don’t do anything stupid,” she nodded at the front door, Adam turned his head to see that is [it] was gone. “What did you?” he couldn’t finish his question, “it’s a simple trick, I can’t get rid of anything, I just simply move it” she looked up, the door now resided on the ceiling above. “Who are you?” Adam asked in a soft tone, knowing he had been beat. She giggled, “I told you, my name is Lucy. If you want to know what I am well, the clues are all around you,” Adam looked down deep in thought, “Lucy……” his eyes grew wide, “Lucy….Lucifer?” [Oooookay that’s a really cheap clichéd twist] “That’s me!” she smiled, the laughter returned stronger than ever in Adam’s head. “Oh be quiet you!” she snapped her finger, and the laughter stopped. “What do you want from me? What did you put in my head?!” he screamed the last question, standing up glaring at her. “now, now, I told you not to do anything stupid,” she lifted her hand and Adam lost control of his body, “Sit back down you” he sat down, unable to control himself. “I have complete control over you, every movement and sound you make” she smiled, “I love you Lucy, you are soooooo b-e-a-utiful,” she chirped, Adam was forced to repeat her statement “I love you Lucy, you are soooooo b-e-a-utiful” she released him, “oh you really think so?” she responded giggling. “I had to put one of my angels inside you, see mortals cannot walk in my father’s garden, so right now you are an immortal,” “You put a demon inside me?” she cringed at the title, “we don’t call them demons, no-sir-ee, we prefer the term fallen angel. But yes, I put one inside you. The whole black and white thing was a little ritual for possessing you, that is the laughter and screaming you hear,” The laughter returned, “now, my angel is keeping you safe. He stops you from doing anything that might harm you or him. Mostly that consists of religious objects; crosses, bibles, holy water, and so on. That creek you fell into ran through an old church, it became a river of holy water.” “How did you know about that?” Adam demanded, “Oh honey, don’t try to intimidate me. I am Lucy, I see all of you, like your past and everything else. Now then, the pressing question, what do I want from you?” her voice sounded like Adam when she asked the question. She smiled, “Father wanted to start over, you humans are too shitty to fix things yourselves,” “By father, you mean…?” he pointed upwards, hand shaking. She giggled, “no silly, not the door!” she gave a smile “I mean the big G, daddy! Now, I went to him all apologetic and stuff and he allowed me to choose a person to help rebuild the world! And that person,” she stuck her finger in Adam’s chest, “is y-o-u you” “M-me? Why me?” “Well, why not you, you are a churchy guy, with love for daddy. I saw you and said yes. I’m not unreasonable however, you can choose to go home and live your miserable life. There would be however, consequences,” Adam remembered his family, and asked gently almost at a whisper, “Would the consequences hurt my family?” Lucy was confused, almost angry, “What? You are seriously considering leaving this paradise?” she sighed, “no, the consequences would only be for you. But you must reconsider, I am offering you eternal life, you can start over with me. Don’t act like you haven’t been admiring me since the market, I see all the dirty things you want to do to me. Ooh you bad bad boy” she clicked her tongue and waived her finger, she leaned in and whispered into Adam’s ear “I’d let you,” she smiled, not her usual simile, but one that showed her intentions. Adam was disgusted, “How dare you! I demand to go home, I don’t care the consequences!” sighing, Lucy pointed at the coffee table. The apple from before was sitting there, with one bite taken out of it. “Just one more bite and you will be home,” Adam reached for the apple, as he pulled it up to his mouth, Lucy grabbed his hand “Please reconsider” he pulled his hand away and took a bite of the apple. It tasted bitter and he was almost inclined to spit it out, but he knew he had to endure its foul taste to return home.



Laughter, that ungodly laughter echoed in his head. Adam awoke back at the market, unable to move. People swarmed around him shouting “He’s alive! Call an ambulance!” “What happened?” “Is he ok?” Adam blacked out again, with the laughter still echoing. He woke up in a hospital, still unable to move, the laughter was louder than ever and he could barely make out the beeps of the heart monitor in the background. His wife sat in the chair next to the bed, sobbing. Adam was unable to turn his head or to even speak any reassurance to her. Soon enough Matthew walked into view, comforting his mother. “Shh hay, it’s all going to be ok” he whispered hugging her. “You go clean up, ill keep an eye on him” she nodded and started walking away, but not before planting a kiss on Adams forehead, “Please be ok honey, we need you.” Adam felt tears welling up but he was unable to do anything. Soon enough a nurse walked in, or someone dressed in a nurses outfit. She smiled at Matthew, “Hello, my name is Lucy. You must be Adam’s son.” “Yea…” he whispered, not sure if to admire the woman or to keep watching his father. “My dad grows his own apples, would you like one while you keep an eye on your dad?” he smiled and nodded “Sure” the laughter echoed stronger in Adams head, his heart raced. “No, please no!” he screamed in his head, unable to even flinch or move to stop his son. She grabbed a bundle of cloth and revealed an apple that she handed to Matthew. “Thank you,” he stated as she walked to change Adam’s IV bag. She leaned in and whispered into Adam’s ear, “I lied, I simply needed a champion to help me overthrow father. You would have been such a good one, but your Son will do” As the laughter echoed louder than ever in Adams head, Matthew took a bit out of the apple, and disappeared. The laughter promptly stopped. Lucy waved her hand over Adam and suddenly he could move. “MATTHEW!” He cried at the chair where he once sat, looking back over to Lucy…she was gone. A sharp pain engulfed Adam as he looked at his hand, he felt his body burning and turning to char as if he was engulfed in an invisible fire. Screaming at the top of his lungs the nurses ran in to help but nothing could be done. His flesh peeled off reviling muscles and bones that soon turned to char, the nurses looked in horror unsure of what to do. Adam saw a large claw wrap around him and start pulling him downward. The last thing he saw, was his wife, now childless and a widow, crying and screaming.



The laughter returned, but not as an echo inside his head, now as a tangible sound. He screamed awake, still feeling that burning sensation. The world was on fire, and all he could see through the fire was two thrones, in one sat his son, laughing that ungodly laugh uncontrollably. The other sat Lucy, who simply giggled, “Hello, my name is Lucy. Welcome to the new Eden”

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1) Mechanical issues: walls of text (you need to break your paragraphs up more), spelling errors, punctuation etc. This needs a major proof read. It reaches a point where I cannot commit to highlighting every last one so you’ll still need to pick out most of the ones from the mid-point onwards. You also need to read this wikia’s style guide and make sure your writing conforms to the standards for things like dialogue and punctuation.

2) Stylistic issues: repetitions are frequent. You occasionally mess up the tense and your writing isn’t always super clear. It’s interesting enough but also far too detailed. It just seems to go into excessive detail about things that aren’t very interesting. Try to keep your writing economical and don’t mention something if it doesn’t directly move the plot forward or establish a vital fact about the characters. Also try to build up more mood and atmosphere using descriptions. This story doesn’t really feel creepy, or even scary.

3) Story: the names are a bit on the nose, and on their own give away the general theme of the plot. The story itself feels rushed, and not very scary or even interesting. The whole ‘lucy’ is Lucifer thing is very clichéd, and not super interesting. Then there’s another twist, or some such, and again it’s not very interesting. Lucifer betrays people so...yeah. Not very surprising. It just feels unnecessarily convoluted.

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