Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34296765-20160531180217/@comment-28266772-20160601150413

So yeah I didn't particularly feel as though this was scary or unnerving, but then again I don't think most creepypastas are so it's hard for me to say. I will say that your sentence structure is awkward, and you have a tendency for repetition.

"It is at this time where you start to notice just how old your parents seem now - their body seems to break down, piece by piece, function by function" -> First you have the repetition in the middle of the sentence with 'seem now - their body seems'. Repetition is gonna hurt a story's flow, hard. Secondly the whole phrasing of the first part is odd. You make two references to the point in time 'it is at this time....seem now' which isn't necessary. Then straight after this sentence you say " They take frequent medication now and always complains about chronic ailments all over their body". Again there's repetition of 'now' because it was only just used a sentence before, and the final part just reads wrong. It's redundant to specify that their chronic ailments affect their bodies becase that's just where chronic ailments tend to hit you (especially with age). You could get pedantic and say there are ailments of the mind, but nobody says they have a chronic ailment of the mind unless they're in a sherlock holmes book.

I also must agree with Whitix. It's not a particularly scary idea without greater investment. I mean, for one there's simply no catch all for the after life so no one can say for definite whether it would or wouldn't suck. Also old people tend to actually wanna shuffle off. The whole time I read this I thought "ten years in a retirement home shitting your pants, getting molested by orderlies, and desperately wondering where your penis has gone, is gonna make you fucking yearn for non-existence". Third, everyone and everything dies. And I actually kind of find it scarier to imagine being unable to die. It'd be great for a while but what happens when the Earth blows up? Jesus would I still be floating in the abyss? That's actually worse than death imo. I mean life is hard, dying is probably a nice way to cap it off without having to spend all eternity coping with other humans.

I must admit though - I don't think being unscary disqualifies this from being a good story. I think you should work on it because a story like this will prompt a lot of discussion, and that's a great thing.