Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180624062817/@comment-35911608-20180626182352

BloodySpghetti wrote: "Mutter... Mutter... Mutter!" Till Lindemann

Alright, all jokes aside, the monotone tone of the narrator in regards to such a tourbulant relationship and life with what I guess is schizotypal mother or mother figure is just a killer for the story. It kills my care for it... it's like I'm reading a very cynical news report about someone who commited a dramatic suicide.

Throughout your entry I've felt like I'm reading a statistics source rather than a story.

Also, the psuedo-scientifical grouping to darwinistic groups of people is rather silly but keeps coming back in your stories.

You've had some issues technically too like "Marlene and me" which should be, technically, "Marlene and I". Something was also in plural form when it should've been singular.

Hmmm...

Could be definitely better.

Ich Will is better imho.

This was a fine read, the ending gave me a snap of interest and a little fright. But I have to agree with Bloody, the lack of feeling in the main character doesn't really make me feel either sad or horrified about what happened. There were a few grammar errors, but those can always be fixed later.

I can see this being a light fright story, but I think adding some more emotion to our narrator's voice would do it some good.