Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31790225-20171104024243/@comment-24101790-20171115021509

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here involving awkward wording, grammatical, misuse of words, and plot issues.

Awkward wording: "It was at a Friday evening that I had moved in till I get my own house, then we were rich for a short time.", "The next night, we put survaillance cameras to capture the suspect.", "His face was like that of some mutant cat with a grin so perverted.", "I tried to shoot the thing away, but he would just creep his way up to me no matter how many rounds of bullets I would fire out of my gun.", A general rule of thumb: Read your stories aloud to yourself to catch instances where wording sounds awkward or it breaks the story flow.

Wording issues: "So I grabbed my gun my father gave to me when I was seven-teen (seventeen) and went down to confront this asshole.", ""He also had a long, whip-like tail that danced to it's (its) own accord"", "It was something more horrible than supernatural. (You really need to work on this juxtaposition as a supernatural event can be horrible.)", etc.

Story issues: Some lines feel like you're going for a more ridiculous premise which really detracts from the overall story. This line for example: "Set up a piggy bank as bait and wait for the right time" doesn't make a lot of sense. Even ignoring the idea that a piggy bank would lure out this creature, it's still hard to accept the idea that they would be enticed by a small sum of money when they had already stolen "$10.000 in cash" (I'm also going to assume you meant to use a comma instead of a period otherwise you're saying the creature stole 10$ in cash).

Story issues cont.: "I went down to where Thomas is and he asked about the crook. I wanted to tell him, but he would think I'm crazy. So I told him that I scared him away." Why wouldn't he believe the protagonist? They have the creature on film, they have the protagonist confronting them, and likely Thomas was watching the footage too at some point as he did lose a large sum of money the night before and they were staking the area out.

Story issues end: There are other plot problems, but I think the largest issue is that the plot is pretty rushed and really doesn't do a good job setting up your OC. In the end it feels more like a vehicle to introduce your creepypasta and isn't really telling an involving story. I'm sorry, but this is going to need quite a lot of work to be effective.