Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26860891-20150808074527/@comment-26860891-20150809043732

Emmie Aug Wachter wrote: Try splitting the top paragraph a bit, particularly when talking about a different subject. For example, I'd split it after 'I'll be talking about people' because you have just finished what I'd like to call your 'introduction' paragraph; the baby steps for your story. Especially since the next sentence shifts to the subject you want to focus the most on in your story ( moving from the introduction to the next subject is kinda like changing gears whilst driving a car).

Who are you talking to? Are you talking to me, and for what reason? Are we in some dream world, my bedroom, where? You say nothing about where we are or what you look like. It's hard to depict answers for these questions with a story that is fully direct with the reader, they're not as easy to execute as they may seem.

Lastly, this is too short. It doesn't go fully in depth on the subject it brings up. I won't make a full list of the missing information, but I can at least give you a start by asking these:

What do Sandmen look like? Why do they do that? When you say 'he' does that mean they're only male? Are there more than 1 of the 'Sandmen'? If so, instead of saying 'he' I suggest you say a different pronoun more suited for multiple 'Sandmen'. Would you recommend I sort of seperate the history and what life energy is from the description of the Sandmen?