Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160414224219/@comment-28060931-20160419195008

Anarchic Operations wrote: Hi Jake,

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a long time to get a reply on this site.

Fortunately for you I decided this story was worth a review.

You have an interesting concept and the plot, although simple, has the potential to be developed into a much better and creepier story.

As it stands now, the story doesn't seem to flow properly, and the syntax just seems wrong. I highly suggest re-reading the story and perhaps rewriting it. The sentences sometimes just seem awkward, and let me confused at some points.Some sentences are also inneccesently long, and shorter, blunter sentences would be much more beneficial. There are also inconsistencies and typos in the sentences that really need to be proofread. But in saying that, a good story generally has to have a number of rewrites. With this as a draft, I can see you possibly expanding your ideas, restructuring sentences and adding alot more substance to the story.

Description is always good, but unfortunately in this story I feel that you describe way too much. It makes the story feel monotonous. Much of the description does not add anything to the story and thus it only seems as if it is a filler; expanding the length of your story without adding anything to it. The description should be emphasized more on key settings such as the trench and the 'sewer'. Focus your descriptive techniques on what matter, and instead expand the story in places that would add more substance, instead of more words.

There is one problem I have with the setting; the sewer itself. You described that the grandparents house is on a large block of land. I find it highly unrealistic that what appears to be a natural trench would lead to such a large sewer. Large sewers are in cities, not on farms. If the story is to be more gripping, and more realistic, the setting needs to be changed from a sewer to something else, or the farm needs to be changed to a city. Sewers and farms just don't really work together.

I found the motives of the beasts in the sewer to be a little bit cliche. I think the boys encounter needs to be longer, with more happenning than the monster claming his superiority and the boy screaming.

I also really suggest changing the age of the boy from 5 years old to around 10. It makes more sense that an older and more educated protagonist would be able to effectively tell the story.

The ending is also lackluster, and the whole 'was it just a dream?' is a little cliche. If this ending is to work you need to expand on it and make it more impactful. Make it seem that 'the sewer' has equal possibility of being real as it does being in the childs imagination, and conclude the story with him not knowing whether it was real or not. Don't jump forwards into the future by saying the event 'inspired night terrors', because that tells the reader that nothing really happenned after the encounter in the 'sewer', and thus makes the story lose tension. IT would be a better idea to finish the story in the hospital, leaving the future both a mystery to the protagonist and the audience.

Keep up the good work. I hope to see a new and improved version soon!

A_O.

Thank you! Your review is pricless to me. I will do my best to improve. After re-reading this now, when I took a break from it, I do see the errors that you kindly pointed out. So thank you for taking the time to review, since I know the stories on here, for the most part, are bad. After finishing the new pasta I starwted writing I will re-work this one.