Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160223234242/@comment-4849011-20160329002355

Oh, okay! I get it now. You're certainly welcome. :-D Here's my take on chapters 4-6.

Chapter 4
 * Pierard wished he had brought along some extra help, but then they’d probably make a mess or simply tell he was crazy for trying to travel in such weather.- Pierard wished he had brought along some extra help, but then they’d probably make a mess or simply tell him he was crazy for trying to travel in such weather.
 * I never thought it would be this messy, Pierard wandered over to an old-fashioned, pedal-powered sewing machine that had several wicker sewing baskets stacked on top. A long time ago, someone had used it to make clothes. He wondered whom exactly. He also wondered how much trouble it went into hauling it up here.- I never thought it would be this messy. Pierard wandered over to an old-fashioned, pedal-powered sewing machine that had several wicker sewing baskets stacked on top. A long time ago, someone had used it to make clothes. He wondered whom exactly. He also wondered how much trouble went into hauling it up here.
 * He opened some more baskets, there were scissors shaped like storks, a bunch of small-carved monsters, old bird nests full of glass-eyed insect buttons.- He opened some more baskets; there were scissors shaped like storks, a bunch of small-carved monsters, old bird nests full of glass-eyed insect buttons.
 * Oh well, he thought, not every chest is full of pirate gold. Maybe something might turn up if I look a bit harder- You missed italicizing part of the quote.
 * Pierard dredged up one such costume. If the dress wasn’t a bright chartreuse I could cut it up for handkerchiefs, he thought, shaking his head in disgust.- You missed italicizing the quote.
 * After some more searching, Pierard finally hauled out some interesting things: a dozen handcrafted walking sticks, a fancy tobacco pipe; and large photo album with a dark-red velvet cover. Its pages were filled with ancestral pictures of parrots; some of them with labels identifying them. Most of them seemed to have followed nautical occupations, one had served on a warship in the battle of Bamborgoo, which had happened at the turn of the previous century.- After some more searching, Pierard finally hauled out some interesting things: a dozen handcrafted walking sticks, a fancy tobacco pipe, and a large photo album with a dark-red velvet cover. Its pages were filled with ancestral pictures of parrots, some of them with labels identifying them. Most of them seemed to have followed nautical occupations; one had served on a warship in the battle of Bamborgoo, which had happened at the turn of the previous century.
 * As he reached the middle of the album, the pictures became color and more new. Pierard recognized several people, including his mother, father, and twin brother, Perry.

There were pictures of him and Perry when they were small, pink, prehistoric-looking babies, when they were just getting their pinfeathers, and when they were starting school.

There were even pictures of the family on vacation. Several of them were taken in Greever, an old ghost town near the windswept beach of Garmirin Split.

Pierard had thought the town was great, and would have done his own exploring if given the chance.- As he reached the middle of the album, the pictures became color and more recent. Pierard recognized several people, including his mother, father, and twin brother, '''Perry. There were pictures of him and Perry when they were small, pink, prehistoric-looking babies, when they were just getting their pinfeathers, and when they were starting school. There''' were even pictures of the family on vacation. Several of them were taken in Greever, an old ghost town near the windswept beach of Garmirin '''Split. Pierard''' had thought the town was great, and would have done his own exploring if given the chance.

Chapter 5
 * Grixlirr was rather puzzled by this “Djinn’s” outfit, instead of being richly dressed in fine silk clothes and expensive jewels, it wore a billowing black cloak with a three-cornered hat.- Grixlirr was rather puzzled by this “Djinn’s” outfit. Instead of being richly dressed in fine silk clothes and expensive jewels, it wore a billowing black cloak with a three-cornered hat.
 * Dramatically, she produced from her pants’s pocket a small, brightly, polished object.- Dramatically, she produced from her pants’s pocket a small, brightly polished object.
 * “It wouldn’t even been able to open the cages’s doors.”- “It wouldn’t even been able to open the cages’ doors.”
 * “Well, whatever it was,” said Tris tentatively, “I’m sure its something not to be scared of…if it only eats small stuff.”- “Well, whatever it was,” said Tris tentatively, “I’m sure it’s something not to be scared of…if it only eats small stuff.”
 * “Because Twicky prefers pets that are not of the species draconis.” Pascal pointed out.- “Because Twicky prefers pets that are not of the species draconis,” Pascal pointed out.
 * “Look,” said Gregory firmly, grasping Tris by the shoulders. Just relax now. There’s nothing to worry about. It’s already had lunch, and I’m sure it’s not going to get any bigger.”- “Look,” said Gregory firmly, grasping Tris by the shoulders. “Just relax now. There’s nothing to worry about. It’s already had lunch, and I’m sure it’s not going to get any bigger.”
 * Pascal cleared his throat.

“Ill tell you what we’re going to do,” he said firmly. “First, we’re going to tidy up Twicky’s study…”- Pascal cleared his '''throat. “I’ll''' tell you what we’re going to do,” he said firmly. “First, we’re going to tidy up Twicky’s study…”
 * Outside, the view was all the same; white flakes whirling around everywhere. She was angry because the water-valve was in a most inconvenient spot. It was located, after an arduous search, underneath the house and the only passage to it was a crawlspace, which was approximately eighteen inches from the floor joists to the ground; just enough room for a person to scoot along on his or her back. However, there were people in this house that were smaller than the average person, but they absolutely refused the job of urning off the valve.- Outside, the view was all the same- white flakes whirling around everywhere. She was angry because the water-valve was in a most inconvenient spot. It was located, after an arduous search, underneath the house and the only passage to it was a crawlspace which was approximately eighteen inches from the floor joists to the ground, just enough room for a person to scoot along on his or her back. However, there were people in this house that were smaller than the average person, but they absolutely refused the job of turning off the valve.
 * There was a long pause, before the squeak, squeak, squeak of rusted metal turning was heard. Before long, the creature emerged and everyone applauded, everyone that is, except Cheryl, who merely looked speculatively at the small reptilian helper.- There was a long pause before the squeak, squeak, squeak of rusted metal turning was heard. Before long, the creature emerged and everyone applauded- everyone that is, except Cheryl, who merely looked speculatively at the small reptilian helper.

Chapter 6
 * The floor was an ornamental arrangement of different colored wood, Pierard couldn’t remember what it was called at the moment.- The floor was an ornamental arrangement of different colored wood; Pierard couldn’t remember what it was called at the moment.
 * “Oh,” mumbled Pierard. “Well, should I call you Miss or Mrs. Linele then?” “No, Mirian’s just fine,” Mirian replied.- “Oh,” mumbled Pierard. “Well, should I call you Miss or Mrs. Linele then?”

“No, Mirian’s just fine,” Mirian replied.
 * “The groves are guarded by Snallygaster birds; hence the name of the bottle, “Snallygaster’s Roost.”- “The groves are guarded by Snallygaster birds; hence the name of the bottle- ‘Snallygaster’s Roost.’”
 * Pierard looked around with interest.

“So where exactly is this Wadsworth Inn?” he wondered.- Pierard looked around with '''interest. “So''' where exactly is this Wadsworth Inn?” he wondered.
 * “I have less of an appetite, than when I started,” replied Pierard, “though I just might have room for a second helping.”- “I have less of an appetite than when I started,” replied Pierard, “though I just might have room for a second helping.”
 * Only the upper crusts are allowed here, the rest of us crumbs get to stay in the cheap leaky shacks along the shore.- Only the upper crusts are allowed here. The rest of us crumbs get to stay in the cheap leaky shacks along the shore.
 * “How come I never heard of this place?” he asked as he followed Mirian up the grand staircase. “We have a very exclusive clientele,” she replied.- “How come I never heard of this place?” he asked as he followed Mirian up the grand staircase.

“We have a very exclusive clientele,” she replied.
 * “Miss Vandemar’s really nice,” said Mirian, as they resumed walking. “Her family’s really old, they got roots dating back to Pre-Roman times. I forget which country it was, it’s either France or Belgium.”- “Miss Vandemar’s really nice,” said Mirian, as they resumed walking. “Her family’s really old. They got roots dating back to Pre-Roman times. I forget which country it was; it’s either France or Belgium.”
 * What he saw instead was large fox looking back at him. Pierard eyed the creature warily. He wasn’t overly fond of foxes, they were such unpredictable creatures.- What he saw instead was a large fox looking back at him. Pierard eyed the creature warily. He wasn’t overly fond of foxes; they were such unpredictable creatures.
 * He looked around fearfully, each shadow seemed to hold a menacing shape and they seem to change when he looked away.- He looked around fearfully; each shadow seemed to hold a menacing shape and they seem to change when he looked away.
 * Relieved, he took s deep breath and pulled free of Mirian’s grasp. It was only my imagination overacting, he thought.- Relieved, he took a deep breath and pulled free of Mirian’s grasp. (You also need to italicize his thought.)
 * Pierard stared at her in amazement and horror. “Those are ghost?”- Pierard stared at her in amazement and horror. “Those are ghosts?”

Suggestions

Chapter 4
 * The plumbing can take care of itself for all he cared.- The plumbing could take care of itself for all he cared.
 * Odd, Pierard thought. Could this really be the Secret Room I was looking for so long?- Odd, Pierard thought. Could this really be the Secret Room I was looking for for so long?

Chapter 5
 * Peering around, he soon spotted what became of his pillow.- Peering around, he soon spotted what had become of his pillow.
 * “Go on man!” she shrieked.- “Go on, man!” she shrieked.
 * “‘Sneaking?”- “‘Sneaking’?”
 * “Thinks?” interrupted Tris, springing to her feet. “Thinks?”- “‘Thinks’?” interrupted Tris, springing to her feet. “‘Thinks’?” (Maybe italicize the second “Thinks” too)
 * “My name’s Grixlirr,” it said, “and you probably see me again pretty soon.”- “My name’s Grixlirr,” it said, “and you’ll probably see me again pretty soon.”

Chapter 6
 * He heard his stomach grumbling and realized he was more hungry than he thought.- He heard his stomach grumbling and realized he was hungrier than he thought.
 * Pierard nodded. “Sure,” he said. “Oh, by the way. My name’s Pierard.”- Pierard nodded. “Sure,” he said. “Oh, by the way, my name’s Pierard.”
 * “I been having one of my periodic dry spells.”- “I’ve been having one of my periodic dry spells.”

As usual I love the richness of the descriptions (the chest, the photo album, etc.). Are Slausen the Explorer and Eliza in Bamboozle Land from real children's books or did you make them up for this story? In any case, references like that add texture to the story. I like the reference to the Feejee Mermaid, and I got a kick out of how you referenced the Parrots as Pirate Pets trope by having the parrot's family have a lot of members in the nautical industry, Speaking of the parrot, his beak grating reminded me of Poe's "Hop-Frog".

When they meesed up the room I thought, "Good luck trying to hide your scents now!" ;-) Of course, they have bigger issues to worry about. The Secret Way sounds like it should be the name of one of those books you order from a kung fu website (not a criticism, just a lighthearted observation). He didn't clean the crayfish before cooking them!? ~screams in horror~