Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29036869-20191025032332

I made a creepypasta series called Wii Deleted You a few years ago, and it got fairly popular on Youtube. So I've decided to write more creepypastas after that, such as Profile Corruption, Substitute, Kung Fu Dancing and more.

However I'd really like some criticism and some insight on the story's shortcomings to become a better writer. Also please note that this is a revised version that improves on some of the issues the original version had, but of course not all of them.

"2006, the year that Nintendo's offering in the seventh generation of game consoles released, the Nintendo Wii.

''Many praised the Wii for it's games and motion controls, but I can't look at it without remembering something that happened. Something that I can't erase from my memory, something that will stay with me forever.''

I got a Nintendo Wii for my 7th birthday on November 28th, 2006, about 9 days after the Wii launched, I still remember the moment when my Dad gave me the present, and then I quickly ripped it open.

'' “Wow! A Wii! Thanks Dad!!”''

''After that my Dad had a bit of work to do and I begged him to help set it up, when he was done he finally helped me set it up in the living room. After he was finished, he left me to play, I was going to play Wii Sports but something else caught my eye, the Mii Channel, so I opened that up instead.''

''The Mii Channel loaded, and there was a single Mii there, I pointed at him with the Wii Remote and found out that the Mii’s name was “Eteled”. The name Eteled didn’t make sense to me, until I looked more closely into the letters, and noticed that it was Delete backwards.''

'' I took a good look at Eteled, he was bald, with a big smiling mouth, giant eyes, and a small nose. I don't know exactly what it was but something about him felt so unsettling, so I deleted him. I decided to make a Mii of myself, so I pressed New Mii. I tried to make my Mii look as close to myself as possible, once I was satisfied, I named my Mii Kyle. ''

I saved my Mii and he was sent to the Mii Plaza, but to my surprise, Eteled was back, with that same unsettling vibe, I deleted him and decided to play Wii Sports to forget about it.

''I liked Wii Sports, it’s a compilation of 5 sports, Tennis, Baseball, Bowling, Golf and Boxing. I played Bowling, since it was my favorite sport. ''

My Mii was in a bowling alley with other Mii’s and occasionally, I’d see the Mii in the lane next to mine do their throw, one of these Miis got a strike and turned around to celebrate, but the Mii’s face looked exactly like Eteled’s.

''That was weird, didn't I delete him? And why does he keep reappearing. I quit Wii Sports and went to the Mii Channel, but before I could delete Eteled, I was stopped by what seemed to be him speaking.''

Why are you trying to delete me? 

He spoke in a low-pitched, distorted voice.

''”What do you mean?” I asked nervously. After I responded I thought about it for a second. Why am I talking to my Wii. It obviously wouldn't be able to hear what I'm saying so why am I saying anything?''

Oh, you know what I mean

''Eteled heard me. This didn't make any sense, does the Wii have some sort of microphone inside it? Or maybe the Wii Remote? Knowing that Eteled was waiting for my response, I continued.''

“I just don’t want you in my Mii Channel, I’m sorry!” I explained.

Oh really, Mii’s have feelings too you know, how would you feel if I deleted you!?

I could no longer move the cursor on screen, I wasn't able to press anything either, It was like a cutscene had just started.

''Eteled walked over to my Mii and grabbed him by the neck. I watched as he lifted him up in the air and slowly walked over to the delete icon. Eteled put my Mii inside it. and my Mii was deleted.''

''I was speechless, yet confused. Was the Mii Channel a game of some sort? Will I be able to see my Mii again? Why was this happening?''

Eteled looked at me, and the camera slowly zoomed in on his face.

Goodbye Kyle.

''The screen cut to black, and I was taken back to the Wii Menu. I attempted to launch the Mii Channel again, but a dialog box would always appear reading "Wii Deleted You". Because of this, I was unable to create any Mii's. Which meant that no matter what game I played, I always had to play as Eteled."'' 