Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26382371-20150605065646/@comment-26007602-20150606192215

If you haven't already, read this. While this is an edit of your previous story, and I see you've expanded on it, you seem to have missed Banning's point entirely. This is still an OC pasta centered around a bullied teenager that snaps and murders everyone around her for little reason. She still has a clichéd and pointless catchphrase and she is still a ridiculous character. Your primary focus should be developing Raven and making her more than "teenage murderer", because she has no character or defining characteristics. Read that link for guidance; it really points out the flaws in your story.

Additionally, there's nothing too creepy in this story, the horror seems to derive solely from the needlessly brutal ways Raven murders people. Shock value and gore just don't cut it. You need to have tension. There needs to be a reason Raven goes mad and murders people, a voice in her head is clichéd and insulting to those who actually suffer from such a disorder. People don't hear voices and suddenly go out and murder people, such an implication is offensive and makes no sense.

Admittedly, I just skimmed the story, but there's one other thing I don't think you understand: the justice system. No one who is found guilty of such a brutal murder regardless of their age would only be place under house arrest. That's ridiculous. The police also can't arrest someone and send them to a mental institution; that's not something that they decide. Finally, mental institutions barely use straight jackets anymore, instead preferring to use straps instead to keep patients in place. The fact that somehow Raven escapes from this institution is ludicrous and nigh impossible.

I can't stress this enough, read that first link and learn how to avoid OC tropes in stories, as it'll help you greatly on this site.