Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26407997-20161007181152/@comment-28060931-20161008094640

An alarm blared somewhere in the distance, making Jared shake almost as hard as the cold bare steel elevator he was riding in. He had been riding for a while now. They had confiscated his watch, but his internal clock told him it was somewhere around fifteen minutes, all the time the elevator riding all the way down.[this sentence sounds awkward.] It may have just been a psychological trick to make him think he was deeper than he actually was, but he suspected not. Above his head, the small screen flashed the numbers that had been gradually decreasing.

One hundred and one ,one hundred, ninedy[ninety]' nine.

Jared breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm his nerves, but nothing helped, He[he] was still nervous out of his mind. He took off the backpack that contained all the items he had been allowed to bring down with him. He went through the contents, as if trying to reassure himself that everything was still there. It contained a small Swiss army pocketknife, a first aid kit,a water bottle, and lastly, a .22 caliber handgun. He unclipped the gun. It was fully loaded. He wasn`t given any food. What would be the point? The Labrinyth game almost never lasted that long.

Fffty four, fifty three"

Jared couldn`t stop shaking. The elevator was so small, and he felt like the walls were closing in. He tried pacing back and forth, but he simply didn`t have enough room.

"Forty two ,Forty one"

"Oh my god, this is actually happenng" Jared thought to himself ,as the full weight of his situation came crashing down on him like a tidal wave. Soon, those doors would open. And god help him from what was on the other side.[And god save him from what was on the other side, would sound better.]

"Twenty Eight, Twenty seven"

Ohmygodsomebodyhelpme... [Oh my god, somebody help me]

"I`m sorry,mom,I`m sorry,Dad" '''[Why is he apoligising to his parents? This sounds cliché.]'''

Fifteen,fourteen,thirteen

nononononono...

Ten nine[Period; commas inbetween ten and tine.]

"I`m sorry,I`ll do better next time,just pleas[space]eget me out of here!

Eight[comma] Seven Oh my godnono..[god no...]

Six Five Four Three Two One Zero[commas in between all the numbers.]

Nothing happened. The elevator simply stopped moving

Jared smiled. The Elevator must have broken down. Now they would have to bring him back up, they may even cancel the whole thing altogether. Relief washed through him

Then the screen went blank,a nd[and] the elevator doors opened.

Okay, I picked out the glaring issues, but really it would help if you just re-read your work more. Make sure you end every sentence with a period, or question mark. Most of the issues here are elementry mistakes that could easily be fixed with a edit and re-read.

The story is way too vague, I like vagueness in story, I like when stories give my imagination a lot room to operate, but this fucking thing is a random moment from some novel: we need to know the situation the charecter is expierencing so we can emphtetize and feel the fear he is fearing. We are afraid of the unknown, but we cannot be afraid of something if we have not a fucking clue what it is: we're afraid of Cthulu becouse we know about the cults, the beats appearance, its powers -- but for all we he's a telletuby, we never know what he thinks, can he think -- is he/it/she a robot?

How does this apply to your story? Well, all we have is a guy in a elevator speeding down to some labyrinth. We should know what the labpyrinth is, we should have some vague idea of the danger.I know this is a prologue, but you might as well give us the whole story since the wiki does not accept unfinshed products.

P.S.But anyway, welcome back to the wiki, I have not seen you around fkr a long time.

P.P.S. Oh and I should mention that I'm not a great author and you should take my feedback as opinion, not fact.