Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27439482-20151222001140/@comment-24101790-20151222004447

Starting with the basics, you need to completely include spaces between your paragraphs as you accidentally joined a number of paragraphs by not including a space.

Punctuation issues: Punctuation left outside of quotations "“I don’t know where the three musical classes are located”,", "You are not allowed to gain entry within those classes”,", "“I’ll show you where the musical classes are”, ", etc.

Wording issues: "You would (will) notice that the halls are extremely long" Would is conditional. Repetition/redundancy issues: "the school being not as big as any school would be." Awkward wording: "When you find this girl, she will appear smiling upon encountering you.", "You must be respectful and benevolent to her, as she is only a girl, with dire capabilities.", "Do not lose sight on (of) the girl.", "he will not proceed to enter the class", "Give her thank you", etc.

Run-on sentences: " If you lose sight of her or don’t follow her, you would be dragged down by a black hooded figured, while in the process you’ll fall into a deep sleep and find yourself in a place of black emptiness, nobody will ever notice your disappearance as you’ll be trapped for eternity.", etc.

Story issues: A lot of the steps are not coherently explained: "play a coherent and joyful song." I really think this needs more explanation as what qualities make a song coherent or incoherent? Additionally I really feel like these lines really need a larger sense of consequence as you keep setting these guidelines but rarely outline the repercussions of not doing so. There are a lot of unresolved issues here that really detract from the overall premise of the story. Finally, if the protagonist is giving out these rules, it implies he has all this knowledge, which makes it kind of odd he isn't sharing any of it or putting it to any use?