Talk:Ronald McDonald House/@comment-27816762-20160217165322

It feels like this pasta really wanted to be the next Abandoned By Disney. It feels like things just happen for the sake of happening. There's no indication of significance to the whole crucifixion-exsanguination room, no hint of why it's there---not that it should have been explicitly written as to what was going on, but dark hints as to its purpose could have given the scene (and, by extension, the pasta) direction. Without that, all we know is "evil clown conspiracy kidnaps children, drains blood, has pretty poor security".

Likewise, the date given by the newspaper and the apparently 80s-esque decor is... kind of meaningless, because there isn't actually any indication as to when the story begins. While the kid mentions having a cell phone, those did exist (though clunkily) in the late 80s and early 90s; therefore, we can't actually be sure if the date means "oh no, the protagonist has been locked up for a relatively long time!" or "oh no, the protagonist has gone back in time!" It's not even a clumsy twist, because there's nothing to set the twist up. I sort of hope the intention was the former, because if it's about time travel, that's just thrown in at the end and feels very nonsensical.

And then suddenly there's just a laptop sitting around, because, uh, let's... have the protagonist type this down! And the Ronald statue is creepy and alive-ish! Aaaaand we're done. The laptop comes from nowhere and serves only to give the story the frame of "I'm writing this down and I'm going to die or go crazy now". The creepy Ronald statue is... kind of a waste, because creepy statues are, while a bit cliched, at least a fairly solid device. But it's just thrown in at the end.

Overall, I give this pasta a lukewarm, over-condimented burger out of ten.