Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44101957-20191029014351/@comment-25458443-20191031072858

> My twin sister never had this dream only me.

neutral observation for the moment: sort of a line that surprised me. I think the implication that the reader may have expected otherwise was unexpected. Maybe a little interesting as like, a window into the narrator's thought process. That is, lots of things are shared between twin siblings, it's maybe interesting how the narrator finds it necessary to clarify that this dream isn't one of those things? IDK poking at some thread you find in that line might enhance the protagonist as a character and make it easier to empathize with them.

> We used to share a room, her bed beside the window, mine at the wall.

idk why i like this layout imagery. It's the simplest thing but it's really grounding.

> It felt like I had no lungs whatsoever.

very tangible feeling line. I definitely have felt that before in dreams. I think the terror of it is lost, though. Perhaps try directing this unattainable scream directly at the hands, or even contrast the lack of an ability to scream with the like, ringing fear and dread the narrator is feeling. I think something like that would really emphasize the claustrophic feeling of not being able to scream and overall make the dream more impactful. just my advice

> Immediately after I star*ted screaming, almost like a trigger, the arms would begin to shoot out towards me.

like i imply with the previous comment, its implied the narrator cannot scream. Something about "once i started to scream" makes it unclear if this is referring to his ATTEMPT to scream, or an actual scream itself that is not dictated to us.

> lucid hallucinations

maybe explain what that means for the idiots in the back haha (like me)

> The first few hours I kept hearing my name being whispered by a voice that felt so real. Every time this voice said my name it sent a chill down my spine. But that was it, until one point, around midnight, the voice laughed a disturbing terrifying laugh.

This is all really dry and conversational. I might suggest fleshing out sequences like this one and the first dream sequence to have more of a buildup to them. You don't necessarily need complex prose for an effective horror scene, though! Simply being aware of what details you provide, and when, can be enough to unsettle the reader, and in turn make them empathize with the protagonist. When the narrator says they felt "chills down their spine" it struck me as a little un-earned. Be playful with how you reveal whats scary, and try to keep close hold over what actually creeps YOU out about the idea.

> “O*h so you want to play games little dolly?”

I assume this is a real rough, early draft. Just remember to be wary of capiltalization and grammar rules when formatting your dialogue especially, which seems to be where you have more trouble here

> Terrified I ran through the hallway, the walls slowly beginning to melt into the black molasses. I got to the end of the hallway, only for the door to open up to the hallway again, seemingly endless.

sort of a high adrenaline sequence! Not sure I have many useful feedback at this stage, but I think you may want to assess how you write this sequence because it sort of felt, to me, like a gesture towards intensity, without really selling it.

> “Y*ou can’t find what you can’t see!” it sang. It was right outside. “I’ll wait here quietly, cause you’ll never find me!”

not much to say I like this line lol. Something unique and creepy in pointing out that the protagonist cannot see the being it just put a door in front of.

> I stared into the mirror, and watched my pupils dilate for an hour hoping it would go away.

This observation is a result of what, I assume, is my misinterpretting this line.

Dilated eyes are fucking terrible, I hate the image of dilated eyes. When I first read that line I assumed it meant the narrator noticed their eyes dilated and kept staring waiting for their eyes to return to normal, which is a weirdly tangible feeling emotion for a dream. Sort of a non-sequitur, considering, but dreams are full of those, lol

> That’s all I remember because I think I passed out after the creature lunged at me. I woke up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor. Dragging myself up, I stumbled into my room and curled up into a tight ball and cried.

Again, just really dry, conversational prose here. "So, anyway, thats when the dream ended." You can maintain that conversational, clinical style and still keep hold of the reader, I think. Just be mindful of where, how, and when you drop threads like that one. As is, it's sort of an abrupt transition that pulled me out of the moment.