Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28794220-20160629203715/@comment-24101790-20160629205605

I would hold off on uploading it as there are quite a lot of issues here.

"When I was 12 I always left (sic) was picked up from school and dropped off at my house so my mam could get my younger brother."

"I switched on the light upstair(')s light and heard louder and faster footsteps then a loud bang again."

"Hi son, were (we're) back!"

"which I replied(comma missing) "ok mam(punctuation missing)""

"I slowly went up the stair (stairs) to my room"

"room, It (it) looked fine from what I could see."

"I slowly turned my head up to find a figure that could only be describe as a somewhat tall pale figure with large eyes carling (crawling) on the sealing."

Story issues: Dialogue needs to be spaced so two speakers are never on the same line. ""Hi son, were back!" which I replied "ok mam" I left the room and went downstairs." This is done to prevent misattribution and to improve story flow.

Story issues: "Then I heard scuttling from the closet, I turned to it. I went to pull open the door, heart pounding, then just as my hand touched the handle the front door opened. "Hi son, were back!" which I replied "ok mam"" Why exactly doesn't the protagonist tell their mom that they think someone is in their house? It seems odd that they would go from "heart pounding," to "I left the room and went downstairs." without really explaining why (especially when the protagonist thinks the monster is still in their closet).

Story issues cont.: You need to be more descriptive. Describing the entity as " a somewhat tall pale figure with large eyes carling on the sealing." and nothing more is not very good. Remember, you are building your story to this monster's reveal. Giving it a fairly generic description doesn't help the story. "I will never forget the face of that creature, that emotionless face." is another example where fleshing out the description would improve the story.

Finally, my major complaint is that not a lot happens in the story. As it was pointed out earlier, I won't get too in-depth. It just comes off as extremely anti-climactic for the protagonist to hear a noise from his closet and then a creature crawls out, never to be seen again. It makes the story feel rushed, like it was written in a single sitting and not a lot of time was spent proof-reading/pacing the story. I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work. I would strongly suggest if you intend on posting this, to flesh out the story a lot more, correct the issues, and look over the plot problems I mentioned.