Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180813062343/@comment-5733573-20180816174044

I really like this, partly because you've practically written a play here. I could see this working extremely well as a one-person work for theatre, possibly even a multimedia presentation. Nice work there, whether that was the intention or not.

I love the concept. The second I learned what was happening in the first paragraph, I chuckled and I was hooked. The idea of an orientation for damned souls is a great one and prepares the audience for anything the rest of the story might throw at them.

I'm going to start my suggestions for improvement with my ever-ready battle cry: proofread, proofread, proofread. There were a couple of spots where words were missing, but I'm confident you'll find them before you post this on the wiki proper.

The thing that didn't quite work for me was the breaks for video narration. I really would have liked these to be woven into Piorah's own narration instead of having to break and switch gears for them. It just feels a bit jarring the way it is, and it definitely took me a couple of these to figure out what was going on. Weaving them into Piorah's monologue would take some work, and it might mean that you have fewer video breaks, but I think it would be worth it to streamline the story.

Second, in terms of the narration itself, I would like to have seen this written entirely as a Piorah monologue without breaking for things like "I clicked to the next slide." I think you can work these cues in, like, "As you can see in this next slide, etc." I think this would be one more thing that streamlines the story. It's your call, of course. If you do decide to keep things the way they are, then I'd love to see Piorah laugh at her own jokes a little bit more the way they HR/corporate types tend to do.

I really hope this helps. Another thing that I like about this story is that it manages to be different from a lot of your other stuff while still delivering that classic Dr. Bob style and flavor. It's good stuff.