Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25500640-20141205184024/@comment-24101790-20150113234335

Starting with the format itself, please avoid coding errors and post the story using source mode. (I corrected this already and removed the coding) I would also suggest breaking up the paragraphs. A typical paragraph has five to ten sentences. (More sentences makes it seem bloated and difficult to read.) I would also advise spacing dialogue to new lines as it is more formal and prevents confusion when multiple people are speaking. (Each new speaker starts a new paragraph.)

Wording issues: redundancies: "Well, three teenagers happened to come by and see the baby and immediately called 911 once they saw the scene before them." (You mention them seeing the scene/baby twice.), "Next he went into the garage and got the gasoline and every other flammable substance he could find. Next he doused the floor with them." (also consider removing a "next and replacing with then or afterwards.). "He pelted back to the orphanage." (Pelted can't be used for running. It references striking objects, 'rain pelting the ground')

Punctuation: Commas missing where needed: "Without any friends Randall usually stayed inside all day resulting in him being very pale.", "In effect the food was becoming scarce and that resulted in fighting over the food.", "Stopped by this event Randall was forced to wait.", "As Randall descended into the woods he heard the sound of sobbing.", "Next he went into the garage and got the gasoline and every other flammable substance he could find. Next he doused the floor with them.", "Next he started to drink the blood enjoying every sip." (also consider removing a "next and replacing with then or afterwards.), etc. A helpful hint, try reading the story aloud and see where the pauses come naturally in the story flow to find where commas are needed. Apostrophes missing from possessive words: "people(')s food", " kids name". Commas/periods missing from dialogue. “Time this kid learned a lesson(,/)” The man...", " “Stop(,/.)” The men look (looked) surprised.", "...You don’t have a clue(,/.)”

Capitalization issues: "ground. this (This) caused a sickening crack...", “hey (Hey) kid, get..." "and henry (Henry) was dangling...", "organs. slowly (Slowly) henry (Henry)..."

Plot issues: Randal as a child, fending off an attack from someone armed with a Bowie knife and not going into shock after losing multiple digits seems unrealistic. As well as mutilating and cauterizing the wounds with a lighter (with no mention of how he got the bullies' lighter.) seems like an extreme over-reaction.) Additionally gastric acid isn't a low enough pH to eat away the enamel and flesh after such short exposure. (it takes hours to break down meat when churning in the stomach.) Randal also seems to go crazy with little provocation. He fuses a knife to a man's hand with little explanation. Additionally how does Henry get Randal's name for the hit list? There are a lot of anatomical inaccuracies at play here. Fusing a knife onto a hand using nails and metal would only cause an infection and gangrene, as would sharpening your bones into knives. (i.e. the weapon would be useless.) The intestines don't have enough tensile strength to support a man's weight. (So that scene and the scene in the movie "Machete" would end much differently.)

The story is reminiscent of OC/JtK stories. Someone is bullied, snaps, and then mutilates himself and exacts revenge. (We unfortunately receive a number of stories like this and while you say this isn't inspired by JtK, it takes some pretty large cues from it and really doesn't do much to separate itself from the slew of original character stories we receive (and delete) on a weekly basis.