Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5870811-20150527020432/@comment-26373030-20150527092602

If you want some more feedback I am offering

You struggle with structure, as do I! You can look at my pasta here and you can instantly see that I don't start a new paragraph whenever a new speaker begins to... well, speak. You don't do that either however you don't make new paragraphs at all. There are a few standard time you should start a new paragraph, I'll tell you them and give you examples of when you could start a new paragraph

-When you start in on a new topic "She dialed the number on her cellphone..."

-When you skip to a new time "A few years after Allie had destroyed the red record..."

-When you skip to a new place "Allie took Skylar to her place to use the computer there..."

-When a new person begins to speak I'm not gonna leave an example here

-When you want to produce a dramatic effect. Can't really think of an example here.

Another thing is listen to what your speakers are saying. If you have to, read them out loud! Your characters speak in an unnatural way.

"Skylar, am I crazy or did you see that crap on there too?", Allie asked her friend. Skylar looked towards Allie, "Nope, you're not crazy, I saw it too!" "Ok, but whatever that red record was, it jacked up my machine! We gotta see if we can find out more about it"

Now, I'm not if it's just an American thing and me, being British, wouldn't understand but this does not sound like the way people talk. Your story is pretty much run on dialouge and it's getting to the point where it might as well be a play! Sometimes you should just make people not talk and you could get more of an effect.

"S-Sky? Am I crazy, or did you just see all that too?", Allie asked, her voice breaking mid sentence. For a second she got no reply but Skyler turned around and nodded slowly, she was shivering. Allie took the record from the computer and carefully examined it, flipping it over and searching the object for anykind of explanation as to what it was. Comforting her friend, Allie put an arm around her shoulder and smiled at her  "What ever this thing is look at what it did to my machine! Come on, we need to look this up!"

And then you could add more to the story. Maybe you could write the scene when they are going to Sky's house talking about how they're kind of scared and want to get rid of it. Maybe they could argue about who broke the computer or something.

So overall you need to:

-Work on the structure of your story

-Remove some of the dialouge (If you want to)

-Add more story

I know I'm a bit harsh but hey, I want you to improve!