Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25607874-20151221195246

the story was as follows, "I love hide and seek. It's my favourite game, I'm very good at hiding, but I'm even better at seeking. I've never lost a game. Just yesterday I was playing a game in the woods. I sat crouched in the bushes. I listened intensely for any sound of dried leaves or cracking twigs. Silence was all that rang in my ears. Then a loud snap, and a grin crossed my face. I dashed further back in the bushes, completely out of sight.

“Tommy? Was that you?” he approached the bushes, and I rapidly dashed further back. I felt the wet hoodie I was wearing cling to my body. As I moved forward a large dirt mound filled my vision. A small pipe tore through it, just wide enough to fit through. My body slid through with ease, but I heard him following behind, though much more clumsily.

A huge smile spread across my face as I saw the boy's muddy head come from the pipe. I reached my hand down to help him up. As my hand grasped his he looked up at me. His eyes widened with shock as he saw my fanged grimace spreading apart, ready to tear through his flesh. He froze and examined his friends blood-drenched hoodie.

I raised my claw to his throat and slashed an artery. I wasn't going hungry this winter, that's for sure."

what was wrong with it in your opinions? I'm just hoping to improve it if possible. 