Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26437574-20160527233511/@comment-25569708-20160528000109

Hello ATR2004, I'm sorry, but unfortunately your entire story is riddled with problems. First and foremost, you desperately need to break up your sentences. Almost every single sentence in your story is a big run-on. Your story has no discernible flow to it, it is clunky, rambling, and is quite simply a mess. You also have to break up your story into separate paragraphs on this site. Aside from that, there are many spelling and grammar problems in your story. Here are a few examples:

"keep ongoing with life"

"its very hard"

"what imtrying to say"

"Oh yes about dreams i almost forgot some of these things can screw with your mind"

"The most important thing that i until now"

"They can take form as previous victims that beautiful woman or that handsome guy could just be an empty shell"

"they do have other tricks to get you to notice them"

Again these are just a sample of the errors currently present in your story, if I listed them all it would take a long time. Even if one were to look past all the spelling and grammar issues, however, the story is just plain confusing, generic, and clichéd. From what I can tell, this story is trying to warn that when you think you are being watched, you are, and that some people are actually "shells" which the monster lurks in. You also explain a ritual which is not very thought-provoking. It's all just very confusing. I'm sorry, but from what I can pull from your story, there is no originality present.

I would honestly recommend scrapping your story, as even if you did fix all the spelling and grammar issues it still would not be an engaging story. I really do apologize if I come off as harsh, but unfortunately scrapping your story is the only viable option I really see.

I hope my feedback is useful to you on all future stories of yours.