Talk:Beatrice Allen/@comment-25170312-20140915061253

I just marked your other pasta for deletion, and then came across this one. I really feel this should also be deleted, but I'd rather give you some advice so maybe you can improve.

Overall this story is very cliche, and parts that should be realistic are completely unrealistic. The reactions of the main character to her dead roommate are ridiculous. "I sighed and briskly walked away" is hardly even a reaction at all. And the police would not be so blunt and would not lead her past the dead body. They would have the body covered and ask her maybe to identify it by showing her the face. Saying "It is best you find other accomodations" is also a ridiculous line for a police officer at a murder scene.

Then there's the note. Using the phrase "the Thing That Goes Bump In The Night" is like saying "Hey, guess what? This is a super cheesy and cliche story!".

Then there's the girl. In the pasta I marked for deletion, AND in this pasta, you said her eye was bloodshot like she was wearing contact lenses. Not only is it not creepy in the least, but you used it in two different pastas? I understand it may be the same character, but it's not a good line in the first place. There's also no indication as to why the girl is powerful or can take souls. We're just supposed to accept it like it's commonplace. You mention that she's 12, which makes it worse.

Everything I mentioned (and more) would make anyone else mark this for deletion, but I wanted you to understand why this and your other pasta are not up to standards. I suggest posting your next pasta in the writer's workshop to get some feedback on how to make it work better. Good luck. XD