Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27569420-20170830150441/@comment-26923519-20170831081910

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Starting with the coding issues, you need to make sure you're using source mode when you post. Otherwise you get this: "“ Sorry Jeff, but this just isn’ t good enough to be published . Don ’ t get me wrong, the language, the style, grammatically perfect . But, you know, this kind of subject you ’ re covering . I ’ m not sure the public can relate to this ”. "

Capitalization: You need to properly capitalize sentences (if you start with a numeral, you need to write it out so you can properly capitalize it). "5 (Five) years earlier Jake’s mouth would have stooped open at his publisher Darren’s words.", "A fifth Taxi (taxi) finally stopped at Jeff’s hitchhike request." “39 (Thirty-nine) Trent Road, Boston Square”, etc.

Punctuation: A majority of your dialogue is improperly punctuated as you're putting the punctuation outside of the quotations. "“Sorry Jeff, but this just isn’t good enough to be published. Don’t get me wrong, the language, the style, grammatically perfect. But, you know, this kind of subject you’re covering. I’m not sure the public can relate to this”.", "“I’ll give Matt a call, he’ll be at your flat tomorrow morning. He’ll organize the whole trip, so sit back and relax. And”, a pat on shoulder, “be strong, man. The sooner you let go of her memories, the better”.", "“Let go. Focus on your work”."

Punctuation cont.: You also tend to misplace quotations. "“I’ve always wanted to broadcast myself”, she had said.”(quotation needs to be shifted one space to the right) Everyone says I’ve got a sweet voice. Even I personally love to sing.", "“I’ve got so much to tell you, honey.(should be a comma)” Jeff said, clutching his wife tight.” (quotation needs to be shifted one space to the right) There’s", "“Stella?” Matt’s voice quivered with panic.” Jeff", "Minutes passed, before Jeff finally spoke,” Then take me with you.", etc.

Punctuation cont.: You also forget to punctuate some dialogue entirely or use a period where you should be using a comma. “Ah buddy, everything’s fine here. But what’s up with your voice? You sound really shaken(period missing)”, “No, I’m sober”, “There’s no way you can be sober with that voice. Switch on the camera, and show me where you are”, etc. "“So, preacher, why don’t you try and actually write something on that.(should be a question mark)"

Wording: "A fifth Taxi (taxi) finally stopped at Jeff’s hitchhike request." (You shouldn't use hitchhike as Jeff is paying for a ride. The basic definition of hitchhike is to "travel by getting free rides in passing vehicles."), "Blood started to rapidly gash out." (gash should be gush as gash doesn't work contextually here.), "Even these fucked up write-ups you write. (this comes off as redundant. Try to avoid re-using words in rapid succession when there are other synonyms that would help it flow.)", "We literally gave into a bunch of hocus, merely hoping it would work." (You should say hocus pocus as the word hocus on its own is a verb meaning: to deceive), etc. I would suggest reading aloud to try and catch any other instances of awkward wording or improper wording.

Story issues: You might want to be a bit more descriptive here. Lines like: "Hiding the bottles was the next big task. As it is, people had concluded depression had turned Jeff into a drug-addict, so the bottles that lay scattered over the entire house needed to be concealed." (especially since they resemble vodka bottles, you might want to change drug addict to alcoholic.) and "Stella said, as she proceeded to lick her beloved."

Story issues cont.: The dialogue can feel awkward/unnatural at times. Lines like: “Holy balls, Jeff. What the fuck have you been doing? A hellish alcohol and drug overdose! Just look at yourself.", "“I’m telling you, I summoned her back, doing some voodoo.", and “But what option did we chose? Turning you into a succubus?” really are stumbling points. I actually chuckled at the last two lines which I'm not sure if that was your intent there.

Story issues cont.: The police scene at the end could really use some work. Starting with the investigation: "“Damn, how did the man kill himself?” A cadet was saying.” I mean, smashed a bottle over his fly?" I'm not sure how they'd conclude that he smashed a bottle over his junk and that was what killed him (as it seems more like it'd be painful, but not necessarily fatal). Additionally it is an active crime scene where they don't know the cause of death outright. I'm not sure why they're letting Matt walk around and touch items ("“Found something of relevance, Mr. Raimonds?” Mitchell asked, eyeing the plume.") when they have reached a conclusion yet.

Conclusion: I enjoyed the set-up, but I think a little more could be done to make the ending more impactful. Additionally there are a lot of mechanical issues here that need to be taken care of. In its current state, I'm not sure this is up to quality standards. If it were posted right now, I would probably be leaning towards marking it for review to workshop the errors or deletion as there are quite a lot of capitalization, punctuation, wording, and story issues that are weighing down this piece. Just a question. Why is it so bad to not have proper English? Improper English is very common in the Internet nowadays. Maybe have a strict rule of perfect English in articles, but why in communication?

Well, I'm getting blocked, YOLO.