Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30307610-20171028210302/@comment-24101790-20171029020424

Starting with the basics, you should use source mode when making a post as this has a lot of coding issues. The story looks like this in the editor mode: "I would go into more detail about what the movie was like, but while I was searching for it I saw about ten of them before giving up. They were all the same. "

Mechanical issues:

"we lost Paul Walker,in(space missing) a car accident of all things,"

"Solid Iron (iron) gates topped with barbed wire, chain link fence lining the bottom."

"Grabbed my phone (fully charged) and a couple of flashlights and set out." Given that the fact they only really use one flashlight throughout the story (even retrieving the one they threw), the mention of having multiple feels a bit unnecessary and out of place.

Story issues:

The biggest issue I can find is that the story really feels a bit too by-the-book. The protagonist finds a place near them that's been abandoned off of a random Youtube video ("One of the 10 places though was right near me, an old abandoned orphanage from 1820, it was condemned around 1940.") and decides to go there. There isn't a lot of things that differentiate it and make it stand out from other urban exploration stories that you can read online. Without a sense of characterization/being in the protagonist's shoes it does rob some of the effectiveness of the final scene. This results in the story feeling a bit bland (more on that below).

Story issues cont.: I also found the scene with the piano to be a bit lackluster. ("Why was the piano playing? I couldn't move. The notes flowed effortlessly. Someone was clearly down in the foyer playing.") I think adding a bit more detail to how it was being played and what tune they were playing (describing how hearing the tune was comprised of low notes might set the stage for a more sinister environment whereas high notes might convey a sense of panic/urgency). Given that this is really the main scare of the story, it does seem like it would benefit from having more to it so the audience can relate to the scenario rather than possibly brushing it off as a person tinkering with the keys (as the protagonist did).

I know that part of the horror is that there's someone else present in the abandoned orphanage, but that sentiment can be weakened by the fact that it's a well-known place (enough to be featured in a Youtube video) which likely will have a lot of people visiting it. The protagonist could also go into some of the scenery/what's been left behind if you think that the tune may be a bit too in-the-audience's faces.

While there aren't too many mechanical issues (which is refreshing), I do think this could be a bit more effective. I wouldn't say it doesn't meet quality standards, but it also doesn't seem like it'd stick with the readers much. Some added insight into the protagonist's mindset/reaction or added description might help differentiate the story and make it stand out a bit more.