Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027160-20150226095604/@comment-25148755-20150226185952

Not bad.

Title: Change the first line from "I met a girl" to "I met a maid" and use "I Met a Maid"

Few things I'd personally change to improve the flow:

First verse: wonderfully to wonderf'ly (or some other forced contraction to reduce it to three syllables)

Second verse: burnt to burned

Fifth verse: strained to stained

Ninth verse: I'd add another syllable to the first line because otherwise it sounds off from the rest of the verses. Perhaps "I have been tortured past my sense"

Tenth verse: Second line, I'd remove two syllables again use a forced contraction for wonderfully, i.e. "Her hair wonderf'ly carved". Fourth line "I'd been beat'n, shamed, and starved"

Eleventh verse: No real suggestions but you're forcing rhyming in both couplets. One would be ok, but two doesn't flow particularly well.

Hope this helps!