Talk:Barber's Bog/@comment-5733573-20180601230043

I'm sorry to say that there just isn't much here. It's not very scary and my feeling at the end of it is, "Okay, so what?  Why was I taken on this journey?" There's no real reason to invest emotionally.

There are also a couple of execution issues. I don't see what the new job has to do with anything. Also, the simple fact that there is a town in California named Barber does not really inherently connect to the mudslide or the dream. Now, if it was the town of Barber that got hit by the mudslide, that would be different, but that's not what you wrote. Finally, it's written way too conversationally with phrases like "Then this mud appeared...."

I really hope you'll take some time to strengthen this and clean it up. I can see how it could be a good story, but it needs a bit of TLC.