Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027160-20150226095604

Maid (or Maiden)

I met a girl; her eyes were tinder Her hair was wonderfully curved… And nothing could her feelings hinder. She wanted me. I hated her.

The day was gloomy; rain poured down The House was dark and cold. The Church reminded the whole town About a tale gone old.

How many men did she deceive? I’d many rumours heard: Took everything she could retrieve, Yet all the bodies burnt.

She has a yard of empty flesh, A vault of hearts and souls. Yet she wants more; she needs them fresh To fill her empty holes.

She was of herculean strength Her nails were strained with blood. Her clothes were two metres in length To show her maidenhood.

She gave her serfs a long embrace And drove their lives away. They soon forgot it in a haze And to her sides they swayed.

Oh maiden, why were you so sharp? Why did you pierce my soul? It hurts incredibly! My heart Will nevermore be whole.

Accursed device! I was not born To end my life in you! My organs were all pinned and torn, And flies around them flew.

I have been tortured past sense, “All for the mighty Lord.” The Maiden was my grave. So dense Was her embrace! O God!

I met a girl; her eyes were tinder, Her hair was wonderfully carved… And no one could their judgement hinder. I had been beaten, shamed and starved.

The Iron Maiden has devoured My flesh, my heart, my mind, my soul… An empty spirit was restored To tell the tale so foul.

Author's Note

''Ok. I’m still not sure about the name for the poem- “Maid” sounds okay, but… I fear that “Maiden” (and "Iron Maiden") discloses too much of the poem. If you have any opinions/suggestions, please post them.''

''Sin tally: I met a girl… Those two stanzas have a different format (9898 syllables instead of 8686). The final paragraph is (8886), but doesn’t sound right with (8686). Another one is that the 4th stanza suddenly jumps over to present. I decided to keep it (I think it contributed a bit to the “scary”, and I guess those corpses are still there).''

Do you think it fits?

And, well, what’s your opinion about the work?

Also, if you see any other minor (or not so minor) mistakes, please notify me!

Atonal Anthem (talk) 09:56, February 26, 2015 (UTC) 