Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26855964-20150806131545

Just wanted some feedback from all you guys (including criticism) on my new story (it got deleted because: "It seems OK. IT'S NOT. The plot is crappy" so yeah. (in my opinion it's OK)



Day 1

As he awoke, John was instantly hit by the foul smell of his surroundings. He got up from his dusty, dirty mattress, and as usual, went outside his old shack to gather whatever he could find to eat. He walked for 15 minutes through the unrecognizable remains of planet Earth, before finally stumbling upon a cardboard box with rotten leftovers of some food, and a couple of rats eating it. John was happy because he finally got to eat some meat. He killed them and put them in a bag to bring back home.



On his way back, John passed by a small room like every other day. It had four walls, without a roof. He knew that those where leftovers from a house built by a neighbor. That room was the only thing that survived the blast. He was simply frightened by whatever could have been in there, so he never went inside before.



When he came home, John decided to cook the rats outside over a campfire. While he was feasting upon their flesh, he started to talk to himself. He talked about life and about why he was the only one that survived the war? What was his purpose? John always asked himself that, but could never find an answer to his question.



<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">Later that day, he wanted to go out, he simply wanted to see what’s out there. He walked, and walked, and walked. Suddenly he saw a figure, an actual, human-like figure further away in the mist. John was incredibly excited, since he didn’t see, or talk to a human in several years, but he was also scared since he didn’t know for sure what it is, however, his curiosity overwhelmed him. He immediately ran towards it, only to find out... That it was an old, broken, dirty mannequin standing in the mud. He was very upset, as he still didn’t get an opportunity to talk to someone. That event unfortunately only sped up John’s mental deterioration. He cried a lot that day, but he was able to fall asleep. John had a dream, a dream about a good life in a normal world, with his family and friends. He would have truly done anything to make that dream come true.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">Day 2

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">That morning, following the same routine, John managed to find some worms and saved them to eat later. He was very thirsty, but couldn't find any water. While passing by the same structure again, he saw something on the window of the room. When John turned his head, it disappeared. He started running towards his home as he was very scared. He later ate the worms he found on a small table in the shack using an old fork he found 3 days ago, while thinking about what he had seen on the window. He was no longer hungry, but he was still thirsty, although he was able to live through the night. That day, John had no trouble sleeping, he didn't dream anything either.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">Day 3

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">That new day, John was extremely dehydrated, his mouth was completely dry, and his skin was wrinkling more and more with the absence of water, but he was very lucky and found a small pool of water. It had a weird smell, and expectedly, a disgusting taste, but he had no choice, so he drank it. While walking back home, he barely found any food, only a couple of cockroaches wandering around an old burnt animal corpse “That should be enough” he thought, and stored the cockroaches into a can. Continuing his path, he heard a noise from the room, a blunt, deep hum mixed with high pitched screeches. John started shivering. He simply stood there for a few seconds frozen in place from fear. Like yesterday, John ran home as fast as he could, but he couldn’t get the sound out of his head. He was hearing it all the time, John barely slept that day, but it was enough for him to be able to function tomorrow.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">Day 4

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">On this day, John went out to get food again, but he was tired of his routine... Of doing the same thing over and over every single day, so he dropped his bag and went to the structure. He overcame his fear, and opened the door only to find nothing inside, absolutely nothing. John was terribly disappointed, but then... A deep voice emerged and instructed John to walk south-east until he gets to a forest. After giving it some thought, he obeyed. He found nothing worth collecting on the way, but he walked past that mannequin again and took another look at it, it didn’t interest him. John was walking for a while now. “Is the voice even real, what could it be leading me to?” he was thinking.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">John got to a forest of dead trees with seemingly nothing interesting in it. So he started walking back, thinking that he imagined the voice, when suddenly he noticed a hole. He walked to the edge “John, I want you to jump down” the voice said “But it’s dark and seems dangerous” he responded “Do you want to get out?” the voice replied, so John decided to do it.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0cm;line-height:15.75pt;"><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Helvetica","sans-serif";mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman"">He jumped, and as falling, saw everything that happened to him in this hell he's been in for so long. He woke up covered in sweat… Only to find the mannequin right there, staring at him from the corner of the room, revealing its sharp, misplaced teeth.

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<ac_metadata title="New pasta: Mental"> </ac_metadata>