Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20160621031515/@comment-28266772-20160622141303

"one of the freezers" -> might wanna clarify if you mean a walk in freezer. It's just this took me a moment to realize you must have meant a walk-in freezer, not a normal freezer. Maybe it's just me.

Also I'm just gonna list the errors I found so you can use ctrl + F to find them.

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He also checked to ensure the temperature was at a stable leave

the most important thing that would be needed to get completed before they left

who had showed up the contemplated leaving

  but if he would feel bad if he woke them up.

As he walked thought the lab

 so he would stay for an hour or so, then leave if no one else arrived, he would go home again.

was being taken invaded by the blobster

Well, Amber was holding him and he was sound asleep as she whispered sweet things into her ear.

Amber, although young and newest staff member at the aquarium

Amber was radiant that glow when someone feels

The eat their breakfast, got cleaned and ready for the day

hung too hung

we all know what our focus is going to be one today,

in tact

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">I would be great if we found a new species

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">it fled from him when her saw the freezer was open.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Dennis's

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">he could tell there were thing in front of him

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Racheal looked at Amber, his distaste visible.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">he went took his eyes from them.

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">trying to figured

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">about as think as a steak knife and as sharp as sharp as a sharks

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">Johnny Tried

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">causing him to land on his back and slid to a stop not ten feet from the things open mouth

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">but the wall the hid half of his body

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">to be go so well

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">slowly her surrounds

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">her composer

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">froze his close

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">to hid with them

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">it when into

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">and they women

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">hefted and office

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">corener

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">They normally at least once a week

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">-

<span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">One other point - you switch from liquid nitrogen to liquid hydrogen. I can't say for certain but I think this is a mistake, and that you meant nitrogen. If not you may wanna reconsider - liquid hydrogen is too unstable to exist at room pressure, and its primary real world use is as rocket fuel so these guys would get a lot of bang for their buck if they so much as farted too loudly. It's the most flammable substance in existence.

Story issues: Some of the character development feels a little excessive. I enjoyed the whole Raoul arc, but I don't think we need to know how often Dennis speaks with his mother. Similarly I felt like some parts, like the dispatcher's section, weren't fleshed out enough to contribute to the story meaningfully, and because this particular example took us away from the monster fight it just felt like a strange distraction in the middle of a heated moment. There are a couple of bits like this. Whether it's getting a bit too much information about Raoul and Amber banging, or Rachael's jealousy, or how much these guys drink, or how long it takes to get the blobster in the freezer - a lot of these moments could just be cut, or severely shortened, and the pacing of the story would improve without necessarily hurting the level of characterization.

Overall though I enjoyed it, and it was imaginative. I think it'd make a great entry in the contest. Made me think of The Blob and other similar creature-feature B-movies. A lot of fun.