Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10789912-20160822181355/@comment-25941663-20160823021831

"as the carried on forward" - 'the' to 'they'

"his heart rate excellerate for just" - Shouldn't it be 'accelerate' instead of 'excellerate'?

"looses his immortality whilst I am manifested" - 'loses' instead of 'looses'

"You'd under all of their work" - I may be wrong about this one, but did you mean 'undermine' instead of 'under'?

"confirming the offer" - One accepts the offer, not confirms it. It should be 'accepting' instead of 'confirming'.

"symbol of my possition under Enki" - Remove one 's' from 'possition'.

"amount of time in cycling time" - The two uses of 'time' make reading this sentence awkward. I would suggest removing one.

"whom was protecting her" - I'm pretty sure it's 'who' instead of 'whom'.

"Confenscation of one machete" - It's 'Confiscation' not 'Confenscation '.

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I will agree with Empyre that the dialogue he pointed out doesn't feel that natural.

The action was great in this. You created a clear image on what was happening and it was easy to follow along.

The story flowed greatly and it was a smooth reading from beginning to end. I don't have much more to say, this is a solid chapter. Well done.