Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9592747-20150422130110/@comment-25825682-20150426005054

The story was interesting to me, I actually liked the story and the descriptions that you gave with it. My only questions are, what killed Nathan in the hospital and why is it called Three (Passengers). I 'm trying to figure the passengers part out. Another thing I saw was the closeness of paragraphs, try to put a space between them.

Here's some grammar errors I found.

1. "He tries to scream but unsuccessfully." A cooma goes before "but," as I put there.

2. "he drops (on) the ground and starts crawling." "To," could replace "on," (optional).

3. " However after hours and hours of investigation," a comma goes after "However."

4. “Complete lack of care for fellow employees, inability to cooperate and (strong indication(s) of mental instability.” A plural to "indication," would keep the setence flow.

5. " Nothing else to write though,” a comma before "though."

6. " Seems like sleepless nights are over." and " Hopefully. Nothing else to write though," are fragments. try merging them to other sentences, or which ever way you prefer to fix them.

7. ( “What it's been), almost a year since I moved on?" "It's been what," might read better.

8. " It's been (a) bit difficult to find the photos," a would fit there for a better read.

9. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">They say I'm fucking unstable, that I can't tell (the) past from the present," the word "the," would read more fluid there.

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">10. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">About how my wife and daughter died in a car accident(.) What the fuck is he talking about." Forgot a punctuation.

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">11. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">Makes sense, that rusty old shit is still alone, says he doesn't have time for (a) committed relationship," "a," help keep the sentence flow.

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">​12. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">After that she says that she's dead because of me, that her daughter is dead, because of me." comma after "after that."

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">13. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">Before she leaves she says to me that there's no coming back from this and that this will haunt me till my dying breath, that past mistakes are my life now." comma after "Before she leaves."

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">​14. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">As the investigators take the last diary entry, behind it there's an obscure piece of paper at the bottom of the steel box." comma after an event in sequences.

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">15. "Finger tip,' can be written "fingertip," for this.

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">​16. " <span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">mean..," I think you meant "mean..."

<span style="color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:10.5pt;line-height:107%;">Aside from a few other sentence fragments, that is all I can say. As I said, I liked the story and hope to read it again after the revisions.

<span style="font-size:10.5pt;color:white;font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;line-height:107%;">-O <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);">ne must still have chaos, to dance with life-

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