Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26366473-20150505172912/@comment-26007602-20150506135555

You should nix the red eyes of the children, as that is a well known cliche that could end in your story's deletion. If also adverse against having the characters narrate their own actions. Have them think about them instead of them saying what they plan to do out loud.

As for the story, I don't think it really stands out, but I'm not sure that'd warrant it's deletion. It seems rather standard: man kidnaps children, children turn out to be demons or whatever. The twist you were going for (jake being a kidnapper) was fairly obvious from the get go actually. I think you need to expand either on him or the children. If you expand on jake, you could reveal that he kidnapped the children earlier, and we could get a look inside to this psycho's head (currently, his thoughts are too ambiguous and we know he's hiding somethingn, so why hide it? The evil kids could work as a beast enough). That said, if you want us to experience any of the fear that jake is, we need to relate to him in some way. Currently, I don't relate to a kidnapping child killer, so I'd try and give him some sympathetic qualities; that sounds difficult, but it can be done.You could also expand on the nature and motivations of the demon kids. What are their names? Where did they come from? Are they ghosts, demons, creatures? Should I be rooting for them or afraid of them?

Just my thoughts. Hope they help!