Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28856385-20171228223029/@comment-32764586-20171229171541

It's an interesting premise, but I think its execution could be better. Events are sort of crammed together rather quickly and we have no knowledge about the chatacters. I think this concept could be more effective if maybe you started the story slower. Maybe F and the main character could have a conversation in a little more detail. We don't need fully fleshed out characters, but a little humanity could work a little better.

Also I think it would be more effective to have the man's presence more impactful. Make it an eerie setting where the main character could swear he heard or saw something in the background, but he isn't sure. Also, maybe describe the man and his actions in more detail. We don't need too much description, maybe just what he looks like summed up in a sentence or two. Maybe tell us what he does to the girl. Just remember.

Overly gory does not equal scary.