Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34853659-20180913215844/@comment-35711173-20180913223249

Compare this quick revision to your draft. I spent maybe ten minutes on this. See what's different and see if it improves your flow.

No, this isn't ready to post yet. We have a great deal more work to do.

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August 4th, 2017: Five people dead. Victims seem to be killed by the impact of a blunt object and mutilated. All bodies recovered in separate areas of the forest surrounding Deep River, Ontario. All victims wearing police or military uniform.

I gasped upon reading the report. Five people dead in my town? And all of them in my job? I was hallucinating I thought. I had been kept awake from Academy exams a few hours before I came. "Oi mate!" I startled at the sound of him. "Did ya read it?". It was Sergeant William. He transferred here with me after Academy. "Pretty weird isn't it? Good thing all of em had military or OPP on the back of their jackets eh? Usually, nothing happens around here."

"Yeah, good thing," I replied. Suddenly the phone rang and startled the two of us.

"RCMP, what's the matter?" "Oh, you heard screaming? Well then, that's not too good, we'll get an officer there right away." He hung up. William ordered "Get down to George H. High School. Apparently, someones screaming down there. Probably nothing, just some bullying most likely." I walked calmly over to the garage door. "Oh, and by the way, we're only sending you there to meet our quota." I responded "Yep, I know. See you."

The ringing of the police sirens started to get repetitive as I drove down to the school. I muttered through my radio "They should have just called the principal, not us." I kept driving. I turned right onto School Road. It should be coming anytime on the left.

I pulled in through the playground entrance. It was after hours and the caller described screaming from the back. I stepped out of the car, only to see an empty grass field and a storage chest. I replied back to Williams "Looks like it's a false alarm, I'm gonna be-" Screaming came from the direction of the storage shed, followed by the bang of a shovel. I whipped out my taser and baton. It was Canada, and a small town so they only gave us non-lethal weapons. Only William, the Sergeant had a firearm. "Officer Josh, come in." William urgently responded.

"Dispatch, screaming and a bang heard from north of me, moving in," I answered. "Copy that, Josh." I quietly rushed to the door. "RCMP GET DOWN!" I yelled as I kicked down the door. One dead body at the bottom of a ladder downwards. The man had a military vest on and had his skull busted open. Within the walls of the shed, there were police badges all over the place, and five holes through the rood. I order through the radio "Dispatch, I'm gonna need a fuck ton of backup. A dead soldier at the bottom of a cave or basement, and some giant holes. Armed officers requested.

"Alright, I'm sending as much as I can." He responded.

Four minutes later, loud sirens were ringing through my ears, They must have still been a minute away, but they were still loud as hell. "How many cops did you send Sergeant?" I asked.

"Don't know, just asked for, in your words, 'A fuck ton of backup.' I asked for MP's too."

Military Jeeps were rushing in with soldiers on all seats, followed by a couple Crown Vics from Petawawa. Soldiers hopped out, and one came to me. "Here, take this, this will defend you from whatever maniac down there." He handed me his pistol.

A soldier wearing a beret ordered, "Throw a grenade down there and then move your asses down!" The troops followed his order, then move down. The Commander said with pride "There, that should take out that evil son of a bi-" A horrendous roar blasted through the hole, followed by human screams. "Jesus Christ what the hell is that?!" The Commander yelled.

Suddenly, a 10 foot tall beast burst through the ground, screaming. "Shoot it now!" he ordered. The officers and him started blasting at it, with each shot making him madder. "He ordered through his radio "Get me a Hog or two now-" The beast picked up the commander and threw him headfirst into the ground. I ran away, back into my car.

I'd rather let the military handle it. I dispatched to Sergeant William "Dispatch, there's a fucking giant beast that just killed a squad of soldiers, get the Marines, get the Air Force, get a god damn priest down there and not a rookie cop stationed in the middle of nowhere." I yelled through the radio.

"Contacting the Armed Forces of America and Canada, the FBI, the United Church of Canada, and the Ghostbusters," he replied.

"Sergeant this is serious!" I heard the BRRTT of an A-10 and F-35 Gatling gun, followed by a BOOM of an airplane exploding.

I pulled in back into the station. William looked like he was on the phone with the United Nations. I plopped onto the couch to watch some television. I tuned into Fox News, and right on the big headline bar read "PARANORMAL CREATURE SPOTTED AND FIGHTING ARMY IN CANADA" It appears William also contacted the media about this. I switched onto CBC to see if they picked up the story. They did, but they were saying to evacuate within 12 kilometers of the beast's location. They weren't saying why, so I tuned into CTV. "Hey Sergeant, CTV says they've confirmed America's either gonna nuke the thing or send a load of Tomahawks and missiles down towards that thing." He nodded yes, still on the phone.

"And we gotta evacuate now because they're gonna be nuking us, Sergeant," I told him.

"Yes. I heard they're gonna send a Chinook down to evacuate the military personnel and us." He replied.

I looked out the window. It seemed every time he got shot, he got bigger. He was now standing high above the trees. If they nuked him, there was no telling how big he could be. "Sergeant, call back the Army. Tell them to stand down their nukes and soldiers." I asked. "Mate, you're making no sense" He responded. "William, call the United Church, the Anglicans, the mosques and synagogues, and tell them to do whatever you do to dispel demons. Every shot he takes, he gets bigger. We only have two reasonable solutions, nuking is out of the table, so the only one left is to dispel the demon using a religious ritual." I explained. "Okay then, looks like we're calling the church." He responded.

"Priests, Bishops, Buddhist Monks, and even the Pope and Dalai Lama were ferried over to the zone by helicopter. They all had ordered the beast be surrounded by candles, one for everyone of them." The General said. I and William were also sent over there. The number of them could have easily been in the thousands. The Beast appeared to be resting due to the lack of gunfire hitting him. It was 200 meters long, so it was easily surrounded with candles with ample space for everyone. "We also sent Satanists over here too." The General added. "Why?" I asked. "You'll see."

One by one, everyone found a candle and sat behind it. They all preached for several minutes straight, until a large chasm in the ground opened up. Suddenly, a red beast came out of it that was at least a kilometer tall, grabbed the monster and pulled it down. The hole in the ground filled in on itself. "Well then, that was kinda anticlimactic," the sergeant said in response to what looked like Satan himself grabbing a demon into hell.