Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170218205203/@comment-25569708-20170220045936

Alright, just got done reading this. First I feel like I should mention the parts that I thought were particularly funny. Namely, the part about Oswald, the protagonist doing whatever he wanted as an immortal, the "Willie Stroker" gag, the Albert Einstein on Adderall joke, the receptionist's dialogue and the Satinca Britannica/Satinca Americana, the notion that those two demons(?) would bicker back and forth about Jesus "fucking up", the bashing of faith healers, that Mr. Willie Stroker has lived long enough to see how much society has changed and that he is so severely disappointed by it, the knock on Twitter bitching, and the bit about nuclear codes being put into a Russian handbag at the end. And as a whole I thought the idea of a guy killing himself, going to the afterlife and getting rudely put through the process is inherently humorous. Finally, I liked how the ending paragraph tied everything together.

However I did feel that you relied on clichéd jokes at points, and the problem is that you presented them only as gross-out or "shock" punchlines without really setting anything up, and as a result they kind of fell flat in my opinion. Mainly they were the ones about deviant sexual behavior/molestation, rampant drug use/abuse and the excessive profanity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not offended or anything by these things, it's just that I felt like you overused them and they weren't very effective. In my opinion, the amount of profanity present made the writing seem a little overly-hostile and puerile.

Unfortunately and most importantly there was a sizable number of spelling/wording/punctuation issues I found which bog the story down quite a bit. The syntax itself also feels slightly stunted to me. I can provide you with a list of the errors if you want it, but even if you fixed them, I honestly feel like this pasta needs some more work on the humor/writing fronts before it would be contest-ready.

Alright, I hope this feedback aids you in some way. If I came across as a prick at any time, please know that it was not my intention and I apologize. And again, if you want the list of errors in the story, please just let me know.