Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28882429-20160629194405/@comment-24101790-20160629203141

While there aren't a lot of mechanical issues, the story has quite a few flaws that resulted in it being below quality standards. Starting with a few of the minor issues first:

"Even though the Netherlands isn't known for having a great climate, this (that) week has been (was) sunny as ever." As the protagonist specified that the vacation was over, it feels odd to address it like it's still ongoing.

"I couldn't access the website or find any trace of it's (its) existence anywhere." It's=it is, its=possession.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were that led to its deletion. Starting with the format, I would really space it so messages ("I got a text from my mother, reading: “are you having fun?”. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I simply responded saying: “you know we aren't even there yet, but the train is comfortable. I'll let you know when we're there.”. She replied: “I didn't ask if you're there yet, but I'd love to know when you're there”.") and dialogue ("“What's that?” he asked. “I don't know,” I answered as I opened my phone to take a look." are separated. It's generally a good rule of thump to space it so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. This is done to avoid misattribution and improve story-flow.

Story issues cont.: "I just came back from a vacation. It was one of the most amazing ones I've had in years." It feels odd that they'd start out with that chipper beginning explaining how the vacation went while these events are ongoing. ("Now that I'm back, I'm writing this story in horror, hoping someone recognizes my situation and is willing to help me out." and "What should I do? I want to run, but I know it will follow me. Please, help. It's behind me..." really highlight that massive tonal shift.) As they're seemingly writing this all at once, it feels odd that they'd describe the weather, their activities, and the fun they had while an entity is behind them and slowly advancing.

Story issues cont.: While I do enjoy wordplay, it seems really odd that they'd consider buying a phone from a website called "phonyphones.com.". As phony means "not genuine; fraudulent.", why exactly would they be interested in something that is likely to be a dud? Speaking of thing's titles: SinOS ("Instead, it booted up with a splash screen reading 'SinOS'.") feels like a really cheesy start to the horror. Naming items like "Hell", "Death", "Pain", "Murder", etc. really weakens the story especially when done multiple times ("I noticed a notification I received asking me to set up my SinCloud storage").

Story issues cont.: There are some issues with the pictures themselves. "I opened it up and it showed me a photo of me and my boyfriend, hiring bikes." Did the phone take this shot? If so, it really should be addressed as it's implied that the photo was taken away from the protagonist or their boyfriend. ("The photo was taken from a dark corner in the shop, between bikes in a space that's too narrow to fit a human being.")

Story issues end: The conclusion feels on the rushed side. Given the events that are happening, I'm wondering why the protagonist hasn't called the police yet. They mention earlier that they think someone is uploading these photos to them through 'SinCloud'. Wouldn't it cause them alarm to realize that this person has also taken photos of them while asleep, vacationing, and at home (effectively stalking them)? Why exactly are they writing this out rather than trying all avenues first. "'Your Pictures' album is filled with photos of me sleeping and is still filling up with photos of my back writing this, but when I turn around, I see nothing. One of them is taken right as I turn around. The photos are getting taken closer to me." The fact that they seem to be in danger, but aren't trying to do anything other than write out the story needs more justification.

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here. It feels like a combination of My Dead Girlfriend Keeps Messaging Me on Facebook and I Found a Digital Camera in the Woods, but doesn't really build-up the tension effectively or provide evidence like the former.