Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20161219213821/@comment-26399604-20161220052133

I liked this story. The premise of another Workshop dedicated for naughty children is pretty interesting and is a nice change up from the classic lump of coal idea. Even more so, it was pretty cool to set up the idea that exiled elves are given this task. To me, it feels like a small nod towards the whole heaven and hell concept with good angels and bad ones - reward and punishment, etc...

The idea that an exiled elf is setting up a curse to regain what he lost his is a cool piece. I don't why but I can kind of see the rise of Erhgra in a sequel revenge story lol XD.

Anyways, I think the only thing I would probably suggest (and it's a small thing) is probably having a few sentences showing another elf or so down there with him. To me, it felt like he was the only elf there at the time. Maybe a quick scene showing other exiled elves working quietly, falling apart or sobbing would enhance it. This is just an opinion, you don't have to act upon it.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. Good luck with the contest!

I did note a few areas that should be addressed. Please see the "[]" for suggestions/corrections:

+The little house was not just a home but the top of [a] magical workshop hidden beneath the ice.

+However, in his wisdom, the old man knew that even a naughty child should not be forgotten during this time of good will. [However], the old man was no fool and had no desire to waste his resources on such unsatisfying tasks. --''seems redundant and suggest another transitional word. Possibly "Even so," to replace the second 'However'?''

+"It lives in warmth." [The] blunt hammer formed the metal into a hollow cylinder.

+"It stuffs its face with sweets and treats." [Stumpy] legs were welded into place.

+"It gets everything it asks from mummy and daddy." [A] head and long ears became apparent.

+"It gets anything!" [The] brass animal was scrubbed of debris and grime. [*] "It gets everything!" turquoise stones were glued onto the brass body. --*Removed extra period

+"I hate it!" [A] second red ruby was then fixed onto the right. "I hate them all!"

+He placed the atrocious thing upon an open locket that contained a mirror on each of [the] hinged inner sides.

---

I suggest italicizing the instructions/steps to distinguish them from the narrative story:

+[''Congratulations, lucky one! You are the proud owner of Pepe, the Rabbit. Pepe loves you and will be your best friend in the whole world. Pepe is a friend like no other, and he will give you everything your heart desires.''

To be Pepe's friend, you must listen to him, and never disobey the following instructions.

''1. Place Pepe on his locket facing the mirror. ''

''2. Never look Pepe in the eyes. He is ever so bashful and only likes to see you through his mirror. ''

''3. You may ask anything of Pepe three times. In three days time, he will grant any and all you asked of him.''

''4. Never look Pepe in the eyes. It bears repeating! He does not like it and will be "upset" if you disobey this rule. ''

''Remember, lucky little boy or girl; Pepe loves you. He loves you more than anyone else in the whole wide world. Pepe will make sure that no one will hurt you ever again. And if you love Pepe, you will listen to him and do whatever he asks of you.''

Pepe loves you, and no one can ever come between you and him.

Pepe loves you.]