Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17834624-20140325164039/@comment-17834624-20140325204900

I fixed a lot, according to how you worded things. Also going to add lines according to what you said.

-Removed the "this is my first pasta" shit for attempted use of immersion.

Paragraph one:

-Added area information.

-Removed italic text, fixed the deceived part, and also added a little bit of background noise to the whole thing.

-Fixed the rolling-of-the-eyes sentence.

-Added voice early on so people aren't confused to the end, removed the et cetera mark.

Paragraph two:

-Tried to add more character to one of the other characters, and attempted to verbalize the creatures being able to feel pain.

-Added more vicious predators nearby.

-Fixed the snowflake line.

-Tried to add a meaty description to the hostile creatures part, including trying to verbalize on how fast they were going, how it made the leading character feel.

-Fixed the semi-truck line. This isn't deus ex, and I fixed it appropriately to try and make it less convenient and from-the-heavens.

-Made the creatures capable of loud noises.

Paragraph three:

-Tried again to verbalize the leading characters feelings about the situation at hand.

-Removed the black-haired part.

Paragraph four:

-Made it so that the leading character was defeated in a fight for killing someone who wasn't infected.

Paragraph five:

-Made it obvious that he was seen, and that he didn't think straight about it.

-Removed the computer part, as they are overused in creepypastas.

-Removed the phone part, making it seem less convenient than "oh hey I have my phone what's the temperature".

The ear part is supposed to imply that they're deaf, or that their ears were incapable of picking up sound, and that they had to rely on sight, by the way.

Paragraph six:

-Removed the "they haven't brushed their teeth in a while" part.

-Implied that most of them died from the bloodloss, or their brain rotting.

-Kept the juxtaposing, as you seemed to have liked it.

What other sounds do you mean, by the way?

Paragraph seven:

-First part wasn't changed very much.

-Changed the dialogue for the creature when it said "come out, come out, wherever you are". Made it a bit more formal and police-like to deceive him.