Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29454058-20160805085241/@comment-27614308-20160805191941

There are still a number of mechanical errors, but I'll let someone else handle those.

The story is rushed. There's not really a lot of explanation behind what's going on. All we know is that there is a kid who stayed up (while LAYING IN BED) and got... kidnapped, I guess? Then he was taken to some indoctrination center. It seems rather cliche, actually; there's a psychotic guy kidnapping kids. BUT, he's doing it magically, because ya' know. Those pesky parents might get in the way. Also, the guy runs a TV show.

Funny enough, he's also not that far from his home either. The police of any country would certainly never be smart enough to search everywhere around the area.

What I'm getting at here is that the story is rushed, cliche, and far from a realistic telling of events. How did the kid go from his friend's house to a place like that? Why didn't the parents of Anthony stop the "Mr. Bear" from taking the kids? Why were there so many dead ends in the vent (that's not how vents work, IIRC)? Why does this story remind me of 1999?

The cliche is the television show host kidnapping kids for whatever generic reason (like being a 'bad kid'.) It's been used quite a few times despite its flaws; no sane or smart kidnapper would ever find his victims using a tv show. It attracts attention. It makes things obvious.

Your story has a huge number of gaps and unanswered questions. Look at things from another person's perspective: When you read your own story and analyze it yourself, do you have any questions to yourself about it?