Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180607073559/@comment-5733573-20180607125621

I like this. The idea is really solid and unfolds in such a natural way. I didn't have a clear sense of what was happening until "Whitechapel." So really great job there.

The execution is also good, for the most part, although it's a little dry in places where you go on about the setting (paragraph #3 in particular). Also, there are a couple of little things that don't ring true. Specifically, the whole bit with the children feels a little forced, and I don't think Judith would rattle off the list of medications by name. I feel like most people would just say "pills" or "meds" in that situation. Maybe you could have her say that and then have the narrator reveal what they are to the reader?

Apart from that, I suggest making a second proofreading pass for punctuation. A couple of missing commas here and there. Nothing major.

Oh, and this is super nitpicky, but there's one passage that I think could use some finesse:

"He dropped his gun. I picked it up, letting the door swing open. He dropped."

The use of the word "dropped" twice in rapid succession, and with two different meanings, is a little disorienting and took me out of the story for a bit. I wonder if one of them could be replaced with a different word or phrase.

Overall, a really good story. I quite enjoyed it.

Also: so many Biblical names. All the Biblical names.