Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25326117-20141226031729/@comment-17385488-20141226043151

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling Issues

- Commas that are not there when they should be (Especially in lists).

"It's been a year since my sixteen-year-old sister, Jordan died."

"passwords, usernames and security questions". "My parents just like my sisters are all careless...".

"Great, what was I talking about diary?"

"It wasn't until after lunch that the principal announced that my friend, Leah had drowned in her own bathtub that day."

"Boy, that loser, Jordan Grey sure had a lot coming to her."

- Incorrect punctuation.

"Stupid cold,(.) why (Why) did Nika have to come from her football game with a dreaded cold.(?)"

"It's quite simple,(.) they (They) killed my best friend."

"Daddy got ready for his speech at the town hall,(.) he (He) left me alone with that loser."

"Good thing, (thing) Mally is coming over."

"She ended with her usual catchphrase, (')Ciao for now, losers!(')"

- Missing word(s) that help make the sentence flow smoother.

"The date that the blog was published (was) just a little after five in the afternoon of yesterday."

"That day (was one) I'll never forget,(.)"

"I can't wait to pull daddy's tie around that loser's throat and (have) Mally to record it (record it)."

"I watched the video while my sisters were away (at) school and my parents were at work."

- Incorrect word tense.

"Kayla leaps (leapt) from behind one of the lockers and tackles (tackled) Leah to the ground." (It goes from present tense in this sentence to past tense in the following sentence.)

Plot Issues

- The plot has several Jeff-esque moments.

Vowing revenge on her tormentor for the sake of someone else, in this case, Leah.

The main author surviving an attack that would leave a normal person dead, which in this case, is multiple gunshots to the forehead. How many shots from a handgun does it take to kill this person?

Plans to kill their entire family (House fire).

- The story ends without resolution.

So, the story ends with what the narrator says will happen to Mally and Kayla if they betrayed her, even though it is vague.

Overall Thought on the Story

The story seems to be too cliched and poorly written. As it stands currently, it needs some serious work and isn't up to quality standards for its plot and grammar issues.