Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32057701-20170610151456/@comment-24101790-20170610154628

Starting with the basics, please do not reupload stories that were deleted without passing a deletion appeal or getting admin approval. If you do so again, you will be temporarily banned from this wiki. This means that even if you correct the issues I point out, you will still need approval to post this story. Onto the issues present in the story (note that this is not a comprehensive list as there are a number of capitalization, wording, and punctuation issues):

Awkward wording: "I began to feel dread in my body as I got closer.", "When I was about 5 miles from the lake my car had indicated a low fuel sign", "Hehe, you’ll come back John and when you’re ready you know where your family resides", "I stood up and looked up at the clear blue sky, happy of being back home.", etc. I suggest reading your story aloud to yourself to catch instances of phrasing that come off as awkward.

Punctuation: Punctuation missing from dialogue or improperly left outside of quotations. "“Ugh sure” I replied.", "“Hehe, I’m surprised you actually came John”.", "“Hehe, you’ll come back John and when you’re ready you know where your family resides”.", etc. I suggest reading some literature to get a frame of reference on how to use punctuation in dialogue as there are a lot of issues here.

Punctuation issues cont.: Quotations missing from dialogue. "Crows Lake is just a few miles from here all you have to do is head north and turn right where you see the largest oak tree. There will be a park right next to it. Once you see it park your car and walk on the path nearest to your left. ... You will be amazed at what you see because of how beautiful the surrounding area is, oh and John those who have ventured off to Crows Lake say that it is impossible to leave.", "I yelled out into the open, Hello is anyone here?", "Oh, thank God I finally found someone, hey do you know what the hell is going on? He didn’t respond", etc.

Punctuation issues cont.: "He smelled of mildew and dust(./,) he then laughed and said I see you like nature and asked if he could give me a suggestion.", "I just swam in the direction of the bubbles and eventually reached the surface(comma missing) coughing and panting for air.", "Where the hell did you take me to(comma missing) you old son of a bitch?", "I swam out of the water and onto the shore(comma missing) coughing trying to catch my breath.", etc. Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "The thing(')s body was black with distorted limbs"

Redundancy: MrDupin pointed this out earlier so it's pretty disappointing to see you making the same mistakes (sometimes even with the examples he pointed out). ""I stared at the lake for what seemed like minutes, something seemed unnatural about it."", "Around this time the guy above me usually has loud music playing, but there was no music being played.", "He stared at me and laughed that dry raspy laugh.", etc. Repeating the same phrase/word multiple times in a sentence feels repetitive and tends to limit a story's effectiveness.

Story issues cont.: You need to space out dialogue and use the proper quotations. Look at this paragraph for example. Without any distinguishing factors, the dialogue bleeds together and comes off as a jumbled mess. "“Hehe, I’m surprised you actually came John”. I turned quickly and saw that same old man I met early that day. Where the hell did you take me to you old son of a bitch? Crows Lake, the land of sorrow. Stay here John, with my children and I. Fuck you. Tell me how to leave this place before I kick the shit out of you. Hehe, so you want to leave huh? All you have to do is swim down into the lake and you’ll eventually reach your world. But I’ll tell you just one time, if your skin is touched just once by one of my children, you’ll turn into one of them and stay here for eternity. "

Story issues cont.: The dialogue feels really force and pointlessly foreshadowing a number of times. Who exactly would hear something like this: "oh and John those who have ventured off to Crows Lake say that it is impossible to leave." and not assume that this is problematic. This is compounded by the fact that the creepy old man knows the protagonist's first name as well.

Story issues cont.: A lot of your story feels like a checklist without description. Lines like this: "I ran to my car and stopped when I saw a black creature standing around my car. I ran back behind the building. How the hell am I going to get over there? Come on, think John think, aha! All I have to do is catch its attention and run around the corner. It’ll follow me and then when it’s around the corner I can just run back to my car and drive away. I shouted at it and it chased after me. When it got closer we both ran and then turned the corner to the back of Town Hall." need more descriptive elements to engage the audience. Telling the story in a step-by-step format without description or attempt to put the audience in the protagonist's shoes by explaining what he's going through really weakens the plot.

Story issues final: There are more problems here, but I'm heading off to run errands so I'm going to cut it a bit short. The ending feels like it needs quite a bit of work. "The only reason I told you all this story is because I’ve been hearing that same gurgling noise and I know it’s them. Those black distorted figures, waiting to drag me back to that forsaken place, the land of sorrow known as Crows Lake." Why exactly are the creatures pursuing him now and not after the initial escape? If the creatures are able to invade our world, why haven't they done it before this point? Having this ending tends to create a lot of plot holes unless you have something to explain why they can now pursue the protagonist.