Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31790225-20180907003830/@comment-5101683-20180907014927

I tried to fix it.

A few words of advice grammatically:

Learn the difference between laying and lying. Laying means "to put something down". The word you're using is "laying", but the word you want to use is "lie".

Present Tense: lie | lay Past Tense:   lay | laid Had:          lay | lain Ing Form:     lying | laying

The North Georgia Mountains grew darker as the thunder storm made it more of a blur for the detective. He was investigating the disappearance of Smitty, an old hermit who lived in these woods with his three hunting dogs, Iknow, Youknow, and Comptiko Callico. As he made it to the cabin, he saw the deceased dogs lying near an old oak tree deep in the woods. He could see their throats bitten out, claw marks on their bodies, and their entrails hung out of their stomachs. So, he tried to call out for Smitty as he knocked on his cabin door, which to his surprise, the cabin was torn to shreds.

"Smitty!" he called. "This is the police department. Open up please."

He knew Smitty wasn't responding, so he gave Smitty five seconds to open up, or he was busting in. He counted,

"5. 4. 3. 2. 1."

He kicked the door down, and saw the house empty. He searched, no sign of Smitty anywhere. But as he checked the bedroom, and the odor of death was so vile, it made the detective gag. Smitty's decaying body was lying on the bed face up. With gore around him.

"Oh my God!" He thought to himself. He reached for his walky talky, and called for back-up.

"We got a 10-45 and a 10-33! I repeat, we got a 10-45 and a 10-33!"

Suddenly after that, he heard a strange, unearthly voice which hissed,

"TailyPo, TailyPo, are you after my TailyPo...?"

"Who's there?" The detective asked, pistol ready. He scanned the area for the source of the voice, but it asked again,

"TailyPo, TailyPo, are you coming to take my TailyPo...?"

The detective didn't scare easily. Indeed, the voice grew eerie as the thunder clapped the silence, with the flashes of lightning illuminating the cabin in quick sessions. (Read this sentence out loud. It makes no sense.)

"Who said that? Show yourself!"

The detective called out. The voice grew more intense every minute, the detective grew more hesitant and tried to collect his courage.

"TailyPo, TailyPo, you'd better leave alone my TailyPo...!"

"I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to come out with our hands above your head, or I'll make you come out myself!" The detective starts counting as the voice grew louder and louder and louder.

"1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9!"

"TEN!" The voice bellowed as the short, stubby creature (who was the source of the voice) burst through the window with a thunderous 'CRASH!' The detective was bitten on the shoulder as he screamed and fired multiple rounds at everything! He managed to get the monster off and fire his gun at it, but it moved too fast for the bullets to connect! The other cops came and rushed to the scene, who (Delete this word. If you use it, it sounds like you're saying the scene itself saw the shots.) saw through the windows the detective firing shots, and thought a madman with a gun was present.

"We got a 10-32, repeat, we got a 10-32!"

The police rushed in and shouted at something to get down on the ground. But quickly stopped as they saw the detective’s body laying limp, similar to Smitty's badly decomposed body. Then, they heard the thing spoke.

"TailyPo, TailyPo, you're not getting my TailyPo...!"

Then the door slammed and the cop's screams and the sound of gunshots echoed throughout the mountains, and ended with a chilling silence.

November 5th. 2017:
5:37 PM.

What once was a young boy, now was a homicidal maniac with the taste of blood on his lips. Jeff the Killer had just finished what he calls his "Daily rounds". The murders of innocent people, this was almost all that flooded Jeff's mind. He dragged his feet on the wet road, as the truck he had stolen broke down, and now he had to go on foot. He was on the run from police, and he had to leave town and head for somewhere far, far away. He broke down in North Georgia, and as he grumbled and cursed under his breath, he had to find somewhere to hide. He looked up at the mountain and stared.

"Oh what the hell..?" Jeff shrugged.

As he got to the top, he walked through the woods and saw a cabin, torn to shreds. Jeff went through the door and saw multiple bodies of police officers laying on the floor.

"What the hell..?" Jeff asked himself.

Then Jeff said gleefully after staring at the bodies, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about those damn cops!"

Jeff made himself at home. He made himself a fire in the fireplace, hunted for deer, or any animal, and made himself breakfast, lunch, and dinner. His favorite being "Skunk Nuggets". But around 10:00 PM, he heard something scratching around outside the cabin. Jeff went around to check to see what it was, and saw it. A short, stubby creature with pointed ears, fat feet and long claws. Jeff didn't know what the creature was, but he didn't want it around his cabin. He grabbed an axe, and came down on the creature's tail. He held his ears as the creature let out a god awful screech. And Jeff pulled out his knife and went to stab it in the spine, but the creature ran off into the night. Jeff was now left with the severed tail, the (You don't need the word "the" here.) blood coming out of the top of it. He was baffled at the length of it. It was so long it was almost like a black anaconda. But, it was too furry to be a snake.

"God Damn..." He said with a stunned expression on his face.

Jeff studied the tail, and checked the length. He was even more stunned. He then kept it as a trophy. Later that night, he then heard the scratching again.

"What..? It's back..?" Jeff asked.

Jeff looked outside, and saw nothing. He went back inside, and sat back down to listen to the public radio about his Daily rounds. Then the noise continued, this time, it sounded like it was outside the bedroom. Jeff got confused. He went back outside again.

"Who's there..?" he asked.

He looked around with his trusty knife.

"C'mon chicken. I don't have time for this...”

Jeff got no response.

"Playing hide and seek, huh? I see how it is, you won't come out and face me. I will find you, if it's the last thing I'll ever do..!"

Jeff began to become irritated by this, and thought it was gone. Jeff went back inside and shut the door. Then he heard it once again, this time, Jeff could hear a voice which hissed.

"TailyPo, TailyPo, I want my TailyPo..!"

"What the fuck was that?!" Jeff thought to himself.

Jeff, now annoyed by this, stormed out and yelled as he went around the cabin.

"Get out here! Get the fuck out here bastard!! Get the hell out of the bushes, so I can fuck you up!!"

Again, no response. Jeff threw a fit of anger as he storms back inside, and slammed the door violently.

"Now I know there ain't no damn critters out there...” He cursed.

Then, the voice came back, and the scratching is now coming from two walls at one time.

"TailyPo, TailyPo, I want my TailyPo!! TailyPo, TailyPo, I'm coming to get my TailyPo!!"

"Fuck off!" Jeff hollered.

Jeff knew he wasn't going to be beaten by some otherworldly voice coming from outside. So whenever the voice or the scratching would grow louder and louder, the Psychopath would scream, spit, and cuss at the voice. (I think you should take the "and louder" out or the word "would" out of this sentence, because it sounds confusing otherwise.) By this time, Jeff even threw a beer bottle at the source of the voice, hoping it would stop. But it didn't. Jeff grew ever more furious. And the voice grew ever louder.

"TailyPo, where is my TailyPo? Give me back my TailyPo!!"

"Leave me the fuck alone!!!" Jeff yelled back.

The scratching seemed to be inside the house now, and the voice was so loud it was deafening.

"“TailyPo, you took my TailyPo, and now I’m back to get it, give it to me NOW!!”

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Jeff screamed from the top of his lungs.

The scratching seemed to reverberate from every area of the cabin. And Jeff screamed madly as he covered his ears. His insanity was in overdrive. He smashed the cabin in a fit of absolute fury, screaming like a wild animal. He began to stab at the wooden walls, hoping to end the scratching, but to no avail.

“TailyPo, you better give me back my TailyPo!”

"SHUT UP!!!" the psychotic killer screamed in fury.

Then he saw it – a short, stubby creature with pointed ears, fat feet with long claws and bloodshot red eyes that glowed in the dark — eyes that seemed to burn straight through Jeff.

“You got my TailyPo, and you better give it back to me NOW!”

Jeff stared at it, his left eye and hand twitching. Then... Jeff began to smile. And all of a sudden a chuckle escaped his red lips, then another, and another, until Jeff was cackling and howling with laughter.

"HEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!!! So, you were the bastard making all those damn noises huh?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!!! Why the long face?! Why don't you just smile for a change?! HEHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAH!!!"

The creature pounced on Jeff, knocking the wind out of him. Jeff fought back. He grabbed his knives and sliced the creature's chest and abdomen. The creature backed away in pain, but slowly recovered. Jeff pounced on the beast, who ran out of the way. The creature then jumped and bit onto Jeff's back. Jeff screamed, and rolled around, trying to knock the small critter off of him. But the creature climbed onto Jeff's torso and bit into his face. Jeff screamed even louder as he tried to smash a beer bottle onto it, but winding up knocking himself out.

Jeff woke up being dragged by his foot into the woods, Jeff shook the creature off his leg, and got to his feet. He tried to run back to the cabin, but the small monster sank its teeth into Jeff's ankle. Jeff screamed and fell face down. After being dragged, he pulled out his knife and jammed it into one of its bloodshot eyes. The creature emitted a loud cry as the blade sank into its skull. Jeff limped quickly inside the cabin, grabbed a shotgun and fired rounds after the critter. The creature was too fast for Jeff's bullets, which ran out.

"God fucking dammit!" Jeff cursed as he threw the shotgun in frustration.

Jeff pulled two of his trusty knives and limped towards the critter, now painfully pulling the knife out of its eye socket. (Okay. So here's the problem. At the end of the story, Jeff kills the creature by reaching its brain with his fingers. The problem is that his knife is longer than his fingers. So why isn't the creature dead at this point?) He sprinted at the critter as it pounced onto Jeff's face, almost causing him to moonsault (A moonsault is when you somersault onto an opponent. Unless he moonsaulted onto the monster, I think you mean "somersault".) in the air. The creature slashed and slashed at his face, causing Jeff to recoil. But Jeff saw the axe from before. He slowly grabbed it (Why did he grab it slowly?) and used it to strike the critter in the face with the bud of the axe. Jeff ran as fast as he could to catch his breath. Then after hours of running, Jeff saw a sign near the bottom of the dark mountain just near town.

"DO NOT ENTER THESE WOODS.

They say a man disappeared with his three hunting dogs on October 31st, 1998 in a cabin inside these woods at dusk. They named these parts, TAILYPO WOODS.

Enter, at your own risk."

It was all coming together.

The creature was referred to (I'm just going to assume, by "preferred", you made a spoonerism.) as "TailyPo", it wanted its tail back, just like the urban legend. Jeff heard rustling behind him, and saw the TailyPo creature coming straight towards him, and it pounced on him once again. Jeff was knocked back inches from the sign, and noticed the creature backing away from the site of the town in front of it. It seemed to be hesitant to leave its habitat. But, it gathered up its courage, and went for Jeff once again, trying to get its tail back from the psychopath. The TailyPo had bitten Jeff's nose off. (Why does he have a nose?) He shrieked and cuffed his nose (Why does he still have a nose if the creature bit it off?) with both hands. He stared at the beast with burning anger.

"You. Are so. Dead."

Jeff lunged at the creature screaming. Before the creature could dodge, Jeff caught it by the leg and stabbed it numerous times. The creature scratched at Jeff's face once again, but Jeff didn't care now; he was focused on taking the monster's life. The creature kicked Jeff off and ran back into the woods to get away from him.

"Get back here you coward!!" Jeff hollered, "I want to help you get to sleep Randy! You look like you haven't slept in months...!"

The TailyPo climbed up a tree, and waited for Jeff from up above the treetops. After seeing Jeff under it, the creature dropped down on Jeff, and the two escalated once again with blow after blow. Then, Jeff was cornered by a large oak tree. The creature swiped at Jeff's hands, making him drop the knives. Jeff was now doomed.

"Your brother misses you Jeff..." the creature mocked.

It then let out an ominous chuckle.

How did it know about Jeff and Liu? No one knows, not even Jeff. But Jeff looked, then his white, pale face grew purple with rage almost Demonic.

"... YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, YOU SON OF A BITCH...!" he growled through his gnashing teeth. (I thought his family was dead. What continuity are you working from?)

Jeff dug his two fingers into its eye sockets, the creature screamed as Jeff screamed back at it, digging deep till he reached its brain. He held the creature like this till it went limp... It let out a soft, "T-Taily...Po..." Then died.

Jeff pulled out his now bloody fingers from the dead creature's eye sockets, and just sat there, breathing heavily. Before the flashlights flashed in front of him with the sounds of barking police dogs.

THE AFTERMATH:
Jeff was hauled into his patted room in the asylum. He felt so at home. Till he felt something fall out of his pocket. A piece of the creature's long tail had fallen to the ground. Memories started flooding back, how he had made himself at home inside the cabin. It was his first camping trip in years. If it wasn't for the creature ruining his good time, he would've had a happy memory. His doctor came in, and gave him some medicine.

"Say doctor," asked Jeff, "do you know what tail this belonged to?"

"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.

"The tail. The tail I got before the officers hauled me away."

The doctor studied it, and said, "I'll have scientists study it for you. Thank you."

Jeff nodded. Even though he was mean spirited, he was concerned about what species this monstrosity this thing was that attacked him.

Years later, the results came in. It was a cryptid. Doctors were baffled, they went to tell Jeff. But he was gone. He chiseled his way out through a window with steel bars.

Jeff was home free. He went back home to continue his Daily rounds, all over again.