Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26020030-20150120075525/@comment-25907694-20150120164223

The dialogue in the beginning, i feel, is actually not bad. It was consistent for the style. John was John and not generic, i guess. The end wasn't particularly strong. Overall, story wasn't bad, not great. You should keep writing though.

Also, the end, where she meets the guy, it felt like she was a completely different person, which threw me off a bit. That part felt more off and apart from the rest of the story. Unless it was supposed to be like that.

I would personally would've developed the people helping the entity. For example, Leah had her throat slit, perhaps the introduction of some insane person (who helped the entity) would be a nice addition (?) maybe.

The entity disrupting the subtitles in that part was pretty cool, and i think more clever ideas like would be nice to have throughout the story.