Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-8674030-20141030052726/@comment-25364542-20141030182339

Also, the scientist goes from despair, to accepting his fate too quickly, I would think if your finger disappeared there would be at least some panic belying the fact that he doesn't have any clue what's going on. "2.000000000000000000000000000 mph" -forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't that just two? Or if you really want to be specific, 2.0? The whole thing about the four materials that slow the fog is I'm assuming backed up by science since this seems to be a scifi story, if so you may want to briefly explain why it is that these elements are doing that, as it would provide more shock once they are overcome, otherwise it just seems like unnecessary filler. " He all screamed and cried, but my dad seemed totally oblivious."- We all. Also, you are going to want more lead up to the father's decision. Was he stoic from the time that the news dropped while everyone else panicked? Or did he obsess over it to the point that he just snapped? It gives the characters more flavor. Same for the rest of the family once they arrived, you'd think that after dad was gone maybe some would protest or some would follow, there needs to be genuine emotion aside from screaming and the lone "dad, no!" The conclusion seems rushed and should be fleshed out. There's some more to work with. It has promise, but you've got to spread out events with more structure between so that it doesn't all read like the end of a story, if you know what I mean.