The Lost Book of Yahweh

I looked up, surprised I was alive. I couldn’t believe I had survived a shotgun blast to the chest. I guess the cartel really couldn’t kill me, hehe.

I examined myself and noticed my wound was gone. My outfit revealed no trace of blood, nor any holes where the buckshot had ripped the fabric. I lifted my shirt up and couldn’t find any trace of injury. Confused, I began to inspect my environment.

Oddly I wasn’t in the alley they shot me in, or even in a hospital. I looked around and I was outside, although I couldn’t tell where. I didn’t see any buildings nearby and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The ground was a brilliant white and felt like I was standing on one of those memory foam mattresses.

Unsure of what to do next I decided that walking forward was my best option.

Despite the odd ground, walking wasn’t at all difficult. It felt almost… natural. Almost like I was intended, or designed to walk on this ground.

I saw giant, glimmering white gates off in the distance. They were larger than anything I had ever seen. Towers and skyscrapers were miniscule compared to these massive behemoths of what appeared to be… pearl?

Approaching the gates I saw two older middle eastern men standing there. Almost as if they were anticipating my arrival. One had a podium with a large book, the other was wearing brilliant white robes. The man with the book asked my name.

“Yahweh” I replied.

The man searched his book, I guess for my name, then looked up and said “I’m sorry, but you don’t appear to be in here.”

“What?” I asked, perplexed.

“Well, this is the Book of Life, and it contains all the names of those who get in.”

“Get in?”

“To this place, Heaven.”

“What? What is Heaven, and why exactly would I want in? How would I get in?”

The middle eastern man at the podium sighed and closed the book. He looked me in the eye and began his tale. “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all that inhabit them.” he said pointing to the other man. “God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and loves all of his creations, which you are one of. He asks for your acceptance and love in return.”

I never even knew he existed until just now. I had never even heard of this place until now. I couldn’t love and accept him, because I didn’t know he existed. What happens to me?”

“Well-” the first middle eastern man started.

The man in the white robe said “Well, Yahweh, You go to Hell. Where you burn. Forever.” A malevolent grin spread across his face as he spoke.

“Why? Because I had never heard of you?” I asked.

“Exactly.” said the man in the white robe. He let out a small chuckle.

“That makes no sense, I’ve done nothing wrong. Why do I have to suffer for simply not knowing you existed?”

The man in the white robe scowled at that question “Do not question the Lord, thy God!” He yelled. Dark grey clouds gathered above us and thunder boomed around us. The other man hid under the podium. The man in the white robe raised his right hand into the air and slammed it towards the ground. Lightning struck the ground next to me.

I yelled out “What, are you too scared of me to fight me fairly? Do I pose too much of a threat to you to fight on an even field? According to the other man you are all-powerful. Surely you can see how much of a coward you are for using that much of an advantage against a tiny mortal like myself. Fight me with honor, you coward.”

The man in the white robe laughed. “I don’t have to prove myself to you! I am the creator and you are creation!”

I yelled “Fine, coward, do as you wish. Don’t fight me, obviously I intimidate you.”

“Fine mortal, I shall prove to you that I am not a coward.” The robed man closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. The storm clouds disappeared and a bright ball floated from the top of his head. The ball came to a stop several feet above our heads. “Now I am mortal, and now, we fight.” The robed man raised his fists to his face and motioned for me to attack him.

What happened next I’m sure he never saw coming. I pulled a revolver from my back pocket and aimed for his head. A look of utter shock consumed his face for an instant before a .357 magnum round blew it apart. I guess he wasn’t really all that all-knowing.

The other man screamed from where he was watching under the podium. I turned the gun towards him and pulled the trigger. He fell to the ground with a large hole in his skull.

The bright ball that had floated out of the robed man descended and consumed me. In an instant I felt myself become stronger than anything else than existence. Smarter than anything else in existence. More powerful than anything else in existence.

Better than anything else in existence.

I realized what I had been so blind to before. Nothing else mattered but me. Everything else was just here for my entertainment. I was the greatest thing in the universe! Of course I could do whatever I wanted! And even if I couldn’t, who would stop me? Fuck morality! Fuck ethics! The universe is mine now, and nothing is important but me.

I sensed another being approaching me. I looked around myself. There was so much blood… and the bodies… with a wave of my hand they were all gone. I inhaled deeply and assumed the form of the robed man.

The other being approached me, obviously happy to be here. He called out “Hello? Hello? Are you God?”

I guess I am I thought to myself. “Yes, my child, I am Yahweh, The one true God.”

“B-but Lord, I thought your name was Jehovah.”

I thought about what to do next. I could kill him here and now, or-

“I am known by many names, Yahweh, Jehovah, they are the same. Come, your glorious eternity awaits”  The fool beamed the whole time I led him to Hell.