Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20160605205320/@comment-25569708-20160607020029

Damn, KillaHawke. You sure do have quite the downer here. I did find a couple things that could use revision, fortunately it's nothing that will change your narration too much, lol.

"Say it, its the only way!" needs an apostrophe in the "its".

"and old Suns collapsing". I don't think "Suns" needs to be capitalized here, unless you're referring to some sort of collection of Heavenly suns which would be a proper noun. Please correct me if I'm wrong here.

"Even after all the star have burned out". I believe "star" should be "stars".

As far as the actual story goes, I honestly thought it was great. You painted a really sad picture in the beginning there during the hospital scene, and the language you used throughout was impressive. Just a very well-written story here. I also should note that I really liked how you had "In the Air Tonight" playing throughout, it wasn't annoying or distracting to me and in fact I was drumming the song out with my teeth while I was reading your story, so nice touch there. I also liked when you started interweaving the lyrics into the story's text, it reminded me a lot of some Stephen King book (it may have been The Shining).

From when you first started talking about Rebeccah's past, all the way up to the end and its spooky revelation, this pasta was just (again) great and interesting to read. I actually did think this story was creepy and also creative, the idea of Heaven perhaps not being all that good has been done many times before, but the way you did it here is quite intriguing to me. The idea that this "Heaven" could just be "neutral," neither bad nor good, with people reliving their memories (whether good or bad) over and over for eternity is a creepy prospect to me. And did I mention that this story was sad yet? Because it really is. Sad beginning, sad ending, just sad, sad, sad. That's not a bad thing, of course. I just feel like going into a dark room and listening to Joy Division now. Sigh.

I can't really think of any other advice/criticism to give here, I'm almost certain it would be accepted onto the site and there's nothing here I really see issue with, so I'm just gonna say good job and retire to that dark room now. See ya.