Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-27008899-20160513000114/@comment-25569708-20160513174649

Hello again Demuerto!

Christian covered pretty much all the issues regarding your story's plot, but I thought you might find it helpful to have a list of all the errors currently in your story. Use Ctrl+F to find the things I'm quoting here:

"we were not unhappy happy". Unhappy happy? I think you meant to just have "unhappy".

"but I lived him" should be "but I loved him"

"I It was never a major issue" should be "It was never a major issue"

"...no need to worry"" should be "...no need to worry.""

"major break through" should be "major breakthrough"

"Some weeks I never saw him at all, and when we did..." should be "Some weeks I never saw him at all, and when I did..."

"break downs" should be "breakdowns"

"drive way" should be "driveway"

"He said he quit his job and promised me things would be different from now on what was I to do?" This is not a question. Try breaking it up into two sentences.

"I was so happy to hear those words I fell into his arms and professed my love for him" should be "I was so happy to hear those words that I fell into his arms and professed my love for him"

"I was thinking about how wonderful the past two days have been" should be "I was thinking about how wonderful the past two days had been"

"'It was amazing' I thought to myself as I wiped the sweat off my forehead" should probably be ""This is amazing," I thought to myself as I wiped the sweat off my forehead"

"My thoughts turn to my thirst as stab my spade into the dirt" should be "My thoughts turned to my thirst as I stabbed my spade into the dirt"

"stair case" should be "staircase"

"well stocked freezer" should be "well-stocked freezer"

"tossing things to the side as I found and an arm" should be "tossing things to the side as I found an arm"

""What on earth is wrong?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around me" should be ""What on Earth is wrong?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around me"

"my mothers name" should be "my mother's name"

Now here are a few more areas of interest:

"I would also often hear the word "Montauk" a few times". Using "often" and "a few times" in the same sentence is redundant.

"I never knew what it was referring to" should probably be "I never knew what he was referring to", because Jason is referring to something, not the word "Montauk".

"A frozen blue hand looked up at me from the bottom". A hand looked at her? Perhaps you could use a different phrase than "looked up at me".

"I grabbed the phone and began dialing, just then, Jason walks in the door." Dialing what? 911? And "walks in the door" should be "walked in the door".

"I was so happy I had forgotten the incident". Was she happy that she had forgotten the incident, or was she so happy that it caused her to forget the incident?

As I said, Christian covered your story's plot very well. I agree with him about the protagonist's disregarding of the corpse being unbelievable. There is also repetition with the "we fought over everything" parts and the "he worked later and later every night" parts. However, I also agree with him that you have a very interesting basis for a story here. I really liked her accepting the new Jason as her "new Jason".

Well, that's it. I hope I helped you with the story. I would follow Christian's feedback, as it is very good. It seems you are doing that anyway. Good luck fellow Creeper!