Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20170806214502/@comment-32461413-20170806223338

I really like this idea. A random countdown out of nowhere driving everyone nuts for no discovered reason is something I hadn't seen before. Normally, I'm on people all the time for leaving loose ends in the stories, but in this case, I think the way you ended it with "and nobody knew why" was perfect. I do however have a couple notes.

I would rethink the first paragraph. It is a cliche way to begin a story. Honestly, you could cut that paragraph out completely and your story would not be harmed. I think it is better just to hop into the story than to have a cheesy introduction.

You have some moments like "men and women" and "vendors and travelers" where you mention two subjects. I would only use one. Instead of "men and women" just use "people" and instead of "vendors and travelers" use one or the other (or something better for that matter). Extra words that you can cut out will enhance your story by making it more straighforward. "Men and women" aren't that helpful for the story; it doesn't matter the gender of the people.

You're going for more of a tale like approach; someone recounting an event that happened long ago. You do this in opposition to a more storylike approach with protagonists, antagonists, supporting characters, etc. While your chosen approach is fine if you can pull it off, but actually making it work is a bit tricky. One thing that I think would help is to be more subtle with the events. "Everything was fine. And just like that, everything wasn't fine" for instance is too abrupt. Show don't tell; rather than explicitly saying that everything wasn't fine, give some details that express that idea. Suggest it. This will make your story more dynamic rather than being a plain summary of events.

Be on the look out for some spelling errors. "recourses,"and  "matnience" are two examples.

I think you could chunk up some of those beefy paragraphs a bit. It will allow for a smoother read, but also provide some great opportunity to add impact to your writing. For example, "tick, tock, tick, tock" can be a major tool for the suspense, however you need to isolate it for more impact. Make it its own paragraph.

Take out some filler words such as "seemingly" that are more indirect. Humans became ruthless animals is stronger than if they seemingly became them.

Otherwise, my biggest advice is definitely to show rather than tell. Rather than recount all the events, provide examples of what happens and go into greater detail. That will really beef up your story. Additionally, be on the look out for redundancies. Cars and motorcycles are pretty much the same in context of your story, same with messengers and messiahs. Unless there is a clear distinction between two objects that serve a purpose in the story, just use one to sum up everything.