Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25091096-20140622041640/@comment-25089042-20140623092157

Hey CrimsonCherubim!



Your pasta was good, but I won't dilly-dally on the good comments since you've probably heard them all already. Here are some of the grammatical mistakes that I've found (which may explain your pasta being rejected):

-"It really does astounds me''--> astound, not astounds

- A weak-willed mindless footstool whose only purpose for being relevant was literally so a defenseless goat wouldn't have the unfortunate time of being your bottom passenger in an amazingly quick and boring ride that you call sex.--->strong and almost poetic, but needs to be more coherent/natural-sounding

-"BUT EVEN THEN-…..even then,"--> the repetition might sound natural when spoken outloud, but it looks awkward in the context of a letter. I suggest removing the hyphen and the second even then. Also, use three periods for the ellipses, not five.

-(or tried to, i might say)--->capitalize the i

-"ALL of your children has to die with you." ---have, not has



Other comments:

-The fact that it's a sort of letter addressed to the ex-husband takes a little bit away from the creepy/scary factor (since nothing actually happened yet); show, don't tell.

<p class="MsoNormal">-I really like the idea of the children having to die. Maybe you could draw that out a bit more?

<p class="MsoNormal">-Is it weird that I read the letter in the voice of a sassy, African-American woman? haha idk

<p class="MsoNormal">-Your creepypasta reminded me of the myth of Lilith (In Jewish mythology, Lilith is said to be Adam's first wife who was created at the same time as Adam, unlike Eve who was created from Adam's rib. She later turned into a demon, who would seduce men and kill children). Maybe you could draw add more parallelism to this myth, for the extra creepy factor? --->You could also entitle the pasta Lilith if you go on to do this