Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25174721-20150724195100/@comment-25174721-20150724205554

Whitix wrote: Alright, you say this is the unedited version, but I would strongly suggest you post the edited version here first, because this story is absolutely riddled with spelling, spacing, capitalization, and punctuation errors. It makes me wonder how much effort you truly put into this, as these errors are very evident and severely damage the story. Your story would be instantly deleted if these errors aren't fixed.

I don't know why you have two parts to this story, as they don't really complement each other. Sure, they're both about the Deep Web, but there's no transition in between. The second story is basically you just retelling information from the first part, with little substance to it. It makes no sense. You tell your friend how to get on the Deep Web even though you don't want him to? Then why give him all of that information? The fact that he's never heard of this part of the internet is rather strange, as it's pretty common knowledge. Your story just lacks content: the first part reads like a school report on the Deep Web (complete with information copied from Yahoo Answers) and the second part lacks description, character, or any real creepy element. Oh no, your friend (who I have no reason to care about) is kidnapped by "hackers". These are some pretty hardcore hackers; the fact that they kidnap him in such a short amount of time is strange but, why do they kidnap him? Why would they take people who visit their site? Wouldn't they just take random people? Instead of potentially paying customers? Seems like a flawed business model. Where are they keeping these 242 people? That's a lot of people to hide; you'd think someone would have caught on. It's nice to see that our narrator doesn't inform anyone of his knowledge of his friend's disappearance, good to see that he really cared about him.

The fact that there are no paragraphs and these over-dramatic sentences really makes it hard take this story seriously. I think you over-exaggerate how horrible the Deep Web is as well. Yes, there are terrible people out there, but I don't think you'll quite go insane if you view the contents, nor would you get kidnapped. Sure, if you were dumb enough to go on there without some sort of protection, your computer would get really messed up, but I don't think a group of people would come to your house and steal you away in the night.

I'm not saying this story doesn't have potential, the Deep Web is a fascinating and creepy place. You're just going to have to do something fairly unique to get a story about it, as there are numerous ones written about it already. This story doesn't cut it as it lacks meaningful characters, a complete plot, or detail of any kind. It is just a few sentences strung together that tell a story without showing any detail. You should fix the grammar as well. Your  "review" really makes sense, you pointed out my mistakes, here are my replies:

I don't think i over-exaggerate the deep web, i know it far too well, and there are some stuff there that my mind couldn't even comprehend. I mean come on! Its 550x times larger than the surface web for gods sake.

There are some true really hidden websites, that almost no one could really reach.

However you pointed out some seriusly bad mistakes:

"Hackers" kidnapped my friend that no one cares about in 6 days.

Well i imagined this in one of the biggest cities in the world, so they could have lost of people there, meaning that they would have activity there.

Kidnapping Costumers

Yeah, i didn't mention my point of view for the mistery: This method works like this: the hackers watch the costumer through a webcam, and also his activity. If they figure that that is no costumer, just a lost soul, they will hunt it down depending on its location.

School reports and shit

This part was made for the people that did not know of the deep web, and i wouldn't say that it is "common knowlage"

Why did i tell my friend?

Mainly because he probably asked what did i do yesterday xD

too many people

Well i got nothing to say to that, that was just a serius mistake by me, kudos to you.

2 parts of story

As i said, the first one is for people who are unfamilar whit that twisted piece of shit.

2nd part lacks creepy elements

Im workin on it people xD

If you have further questions i will gladly answer!