Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20180921153801/@comment-9041013-20180923100425

I ignroed whatever he said about the Sci-Fi being not scary. Sci-Fi is scary, of course when done properly.

Anyway, I did some mechanical fixing for your story and it seems like you were either very tired when you wrote it, or you come from a country where English isn't taught very well... because "You're" means "You are" and "Your" indicates possesion. I'm just playing with you here.

Here's a bit of a revision.



Jason read the words, "Game Vision - The Ultimate Full Immersion Experience", as he stood on the curb just outside a huge facility. Construction on the building had been completed a month ago, the entire town had buzzed with rumors of what it would be. Days after the completion, fliers much like the one he now had appeared on every storefront of his little town.

He pressed upon the doors and found himself entering a lobby full of other eager game testers. The opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a new technology was a dream for someone like Jason and it seemed he had plenty of competition. He quickly searched for an empty space along the wall to stand, considering all the chairs were already occupied.

One-by-one people were called back, the flier had mentioned an interview process. He stood, scrolling through social media and tapping his foot nervously awaiting his turn. People passed by who had apparently not made the cut. After about the fourth denial he attempted to stop one of them to find out what he may be in store for. No one seemed to want to talk. Each one simply gave him a blank stare and continue out the door.

Finally, the man that had been pulling people back returned to point toward Jason. He quickly shoved his phone in his pocket and approached the next set of doors. He was led through a long corridor and directed into a small conference room and asked to take a seat at the table.

Within a few moments, a young woman entered and took a seat across from him. A bright white lab coat draped over her thin body and black-rimmed glasses hid her eyes for a moment as she scribbled notes on her clipboard. They sat in silence for a moment before she finally spoke.

"My name is Dr. Keirtch, but just call me Susan," her words coming without even looking up. She slid a stack of paperwork across the table and instructed Jason to read them carefully and sign in the areas notated with an "X", "Your name?"

"Jason Alvarez," he replied, taking the paperwork.

His eyes scanned down the first few pages. It all seemed like the same user agreements you scrolled through without actually reading. At the end of it was a thin line awaiting Jason's signature. Just above read, "Upon signing this document you agree to the terms and conditions set before within. You waive your right to legal action against Game Vision in the event of mental or bodily harm, up to and including death."

Jason simply stared at the word, "death," for a moment before pointing it out to the doctor. "Don't worry, it's just something our lawyers make us do. We are just testing a game here," she said, a thin smile forming on her face.

He nodded to himself, thinking that there could not be anything that would harm him by playing a video game. His name scribbled along the line and he slid the paper back to the doctor. She passed him another page that read, "Non-Disclosure Agreement."

This is just to make sure you don't try and sell off the technology you will have access to during the testing phase," her words coming before a small smirk.

Jason gave a soft laugh, knowing this was probably common practice amongst developers. He quickly signed this page as well and handed it back. The doctor looked over the pages and slid them into a folder within her briefcase. The interview process came next, it included many questions involving his personal life, medical history, family history, and personal contacts.

After about thirty minutes of being questioned and watching the doctor take notes upon her clipboard, she finally informed Jason that he had passed the interview process but would need to take part in a few exams to make sure he was physically capable of taking part in the process. He hadn't had a physical since high school, but how physically fit did you need to be to play a video game?

He completed a physical, stress test, and a psychoanalysis before being directed to a small room that reminded him of the last time he visited the emergency room. The doctor removed a gown from a drawer beside a medical bed and instructed Jason to remove his clothes, place them in the bag on the table and put on the gown.

Confusion formed on his brow, "What for?"

Susan tucked her clipboard under her hand, “Do you know what the most powerful processor is in the entire world?”

Jason thought for a moment, trying to recall the latest technology. He went to open his mouth but was interrupted by Susan’s finger tapping his forehead.

It’s your brain Jason,” she said with a smirk, “And that’s the processor we are going to use to power our virtual reality experience for you.”

Jason was confused but the doctor began detailing an intricate procedure that would include inserting a device within the brain stem that would allow him to access the programs provided with their network, through a cerebral input. The medical terms eluded him but from what he understood this device would access his own brain power to place him within a virtual world. He would be able to see, hear, feel, and taste everything just as he would in real life. It all seemed impossible and the explanation did nothing to aid his understanding.

When Dr. Keirtch had finished she turned the clipboard over to reveal another authorization form. Jason’s eyes scanned the lengthy document and deduced that it was a clearance form for an operation. He read through the words again and again, before lifting the pen.

He almost began writing but a thought caused him to pause, "Are there any side-effects?"

"None that we have encountered as of yet," her voice trying to sound confident.

He sat, the pen hovering over the paper, as he contemplated the choice before him. He wanted to be one of the first to experience this new technology. It was something every game tester dreamed of, but what was the risk?

Dr. Keirtch broke the silence, "Do you wish to proceed or not?"

The sudden abrupt noise made Jason jerk his attention to the doctor. Her demeanor had changed drastically. She almost seemed angry that he had not signed the paper yet. The feeling of the room had changed to him and he suddenly did not want to take part in this whole procedure. Something in the way she looked at him made him want to run from that room and all the way home. "I think I want to go home," he said, his voice shaking slightly.

The pen was snatched from his hand, "Fine, there are plenty more applicants waiting outside. I will get your release documents ready and return in a moment."

As the doctor left the room, Jason began wondering what he almost got himself into. Susan had been pleasant all the way until now, it didn't make sense. He sat pondering the possibilities of what this place had in store for him when he heard a very audible "Click". At first, the sound seemed unimportant but the longer Jason thought the more he came to realize what the sound was.

He was across the room and to the door in seconds, his hands jostling the knob. He had been locked inside the room. He pounded on the heavy, metal door and yelled for someone to release him. As the sound echoed throughout the room another noise caught his attention, a slow and quiet hissing that had not been before. The sound stopped his attack on the door and caused his eyes to shift toward the ceiling.

A mist erupted from the vents above him, filling the tiny room in seconds. Jason attempted to cover his mouth with the collar of his shirt, but it was no use. The gases filled his lungs, causing his throat to seize. He struggled to breathe, his chest begging for oxygen. His eyes began to blur and as his body grew weak he attempted to call for help. His voice was choked off within him and soon his eyes fell closed.

He awoke to the beeping of the operating room equipment, the light stinging his eyes. He was having trouble focusing on any particular figure in the room but he could tell that all of the physicians had still been there. His ears rang and a pain surged from the base of his neck to the top of his skull. He attempted to reach back to investigate but his arms would not rise from the bed, leather straps held him in place. Two doctors noticed that Jason had awoken and pointed this out to Dr. Keirtch.

She approached with a sickening grin, "Good morning sunshine, how did you sleep?"

Jason tried to respond but his throat was still very sore, a croak rattled from his mouth but the pain caused him to wince. When his eyes returned to her, he attempted to show his contempt. The sight did little to face Dr. Keirtch, she had what she wanted and Jason knew this.

"Now that our device has been inserted we can continue with our test," she said while pulling a thin black band from her lab coat. A thin line of light blue pulsed along the band as she approached him. Her hands draped the item around his forehead, he attempted to evade but it was futile. The clasp came to a close upon his forehead and a beeping noise signified the proper connection.

"You might as well just lay back and enjoy the game Jason, you're not going anywhere," the words were cold but Jason knew she was right.

His eyes drifted shut slowly and his vision plunged into darkness. He felt a tingle at the base of his neck that seemed to vibrate throughout his body. Then he felt weightless, almost as if he were drifting unconsciously. Then the darkness was illuminated by the same pale blue he had noticed upon his headband. It came from a horizon in the distance and approached rapidly, then an image filtered in among the light.

When his eyes rested on the image, some words above appeared that read, “Tutorial”. Jason had never really been the type to learn the mechanics of a game before diving in, but it seemed he did not have a choice. A message relayed across the horizon that stated, “You must complete the tutorial before you can progress to other levels.” Just reading the words made a pit form inside his stomach. He could only wonder what he would be required to do and what these levels would have in store for him.

He figured he would just knock it out as quickly as possible so he could get to the real game and maybe find a way out. As he thought about entering the room it appeared around him. The floor, the walls, and every piece of furniture seemed to be just the same as the one he actually resided in but he was now alone. His hands ran along his arms and touched at his clothing, it all felt completely real.

A feminine disembodied voice spoke softly within his mind, “In this tutorial, you must complete a simple task, and it will allow you to familiarize yourself with the basic mechanics of movement and manipulating the world around you. The physics of this world will be just like those of Earth. You simply must move and interact with this world as you would your own.

“That sounds easy enough,” Jason said as he took his first step forward. It really was just as simple as thinking he wanted to move forward. This was far easier than he thought it would be and everything seemed just as real as anything else in real life. He reached for the doorknob and it turned easily. It lead to a hallway that seemed to extend forever, doors on each side for miles. When he turned the other direction it was just the same.

The voice came again, “The object of this game is to find the correct door. Each passage will take you to another point in the hallway, but only one will take you back to the home screen where you can choose your next scene.”

“Ok, so I just have to find the right door,” he mused while looking around. He turned back around toward the door he had just exited, it was now red. He attempted to open the door but it seemed to be locked.

“You may not re-enter a door once you have passed through it,” the voice chimed.

He examined the door, closer, and at about eye level was a very small metal sign. He had to almost touch his nose to the metal to read what was printed on it. It was a series of numbers, five digits long, but on this particular door, it was all zeroes. He turned and approached the door across from him and read the numbers upon it. Then he moved to the door surrounding him to check those signs. It appeared that moving out from the door of origin was a sequence of five numbers from ‘00000’ all the way to ‘99999’.

Just the thought of one-hundred-thousand doors to search through brought Jason to his knees. This tutorial would take forever. He thought for a moment and wondered if he could remove himself from the game entirely. He reached for his headband, pressing upon the clasp and to his horror, it would not open. His eyes shot open wide when the clasp held tight amidst several presses.

His chest began to rise and fall sporadically as he struggled with the thin piece of rubber that now appeared to be permanently attached to his skull. No matter how hard he tried the clasp would not open and the band would not slip from his forehead. His vision began to blur and he dropped to his knees, still raking at his face and screaming into the endless hallway until he passed out.

He awoke an hour later, staring at the blank ceiling again. He slowly rose to his feet, his eyes landing on the hallway again. It had not let him out even after being unconscious. He felt his anxiety creeping in again but he tried his best to subdue it. Getting emotional would not help him in this situation. His only option was to try each door until he managed to find his way out.

Time was hard to measure within the hall but Jason felt as though he had been opening doors for a whole day. By this point, he had deduced that each door was about four feet apart, which meant that the hallway would have to be over in four hundred-thousand feet in length. He sat in the middle of the floor, trying to remember the conversion from feet to miles. At this moment he was wishing he had paid more attention in school.

“Hey!” he yelled out into the empty hall, “Can anyone hear me???”

When his plea received no reply, tears began to streak down his face. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around them and buried his face in his arms. He sat sobbing amidst a sea of white, with only the occasional speck of red from his attempts at escape. His body was weary and his sorrow drew out the last of his energy. He drifted off to sleep, huddled in the middle of the hall.

When his eyes fluttered open, feeling as though he had been in a terrible dream, he realized his true nightmare was that it was real. He rubbed at his eyes, brushing away the dried stains of his hopelessness. He stood, shakily, trying to decide what to do next. He was in a game, after all, it had to have rules and procedures.

“HELP!” he yelled out into the void.

A holographic image of a woman that resembled Dr. Keirtch appeared before him.

“I am the help assistant, how may I be of service?” the image of light responded.

Jason almost giggled in excitement. Finally, someone who could help, he thought, “How do I get out of here?”

“The object of this game is to find the correct door. Each passage will take you to another point in the hallway, but only one will take you back to the home screen where you can choose your next scene,” it repeated the prompt from earlier.

“I need to get out now,” Jason demanded.

“If you wish to terminate this gaming session simply remove your headband,” its response emotionless. "The damn thing won’t come off!” he screamed.

“I apologize, I do not understand the question. Please rephrase,” it seemed to frown as it said this.

Jason pulled at his hair, a scream erupting from his mouth and echoing through the hall.

“I apologize, I do not understand the question. Please rephrase,” it repeated. “Which door leads me to the home screen?”

“I apologize, I am unable to assist you in completing your task. I can, however, assist if you are having difficulty with movement or the manipulation of objects. Are you having operation errors?” It quizzed.

Jason was ready to pop, this thing wasn’t much help for being the ‘help assistant’. Then his eyes perked, an idea forming in his mind. He stood completely still in front of the hologram.

“Yes, I am unable to move or manipulate objects, please send me back to the home screen to reboot,” he said, a smirk forming on his face.

“I am unable to send you to the home screen until you find the exit, but I can restart you from the first room. Please wait,” it said before disappearing.

“No!” his voice rumbling just as his body reformed within the very first room he had started in. He quickly jerked open the door and looked down the hall. All the doors he had already passed through had been reset and he could not remember which ones he had already tried. He stepped across the hall, trying to open the one he currently stared at. The door would not open and the voice returned, “You cannot open a door without closing another door.” He looked back at the first room to see it was still ajar. He stepped back, closed it and watched as the white shifted to red again.

Dr. Keirtch takes a few notes while checking Jason's vitals before exiting the room thirty minutes after putting him under. She walks down the hall to an office where a very large man sits behind a desk.

"Subject G12 is thirty minutes in and hasn't completed the tutorial," her voice seeming to have fear in it.

"Just keep going until we get results, I need this to work!" his hand slapping the hardwood in front of him, "You know just as well as I do, that if they can't complete the tutorial then they will never be able to finish the game."

"Y-yes sir," she replied, "But what if he doesn't complete it? What if he never wakes up?

"One of them has to or you know who," he said while gesturing downward, "is going to make one of us do it."

Susan looked around the room, as if wondering if they were being watched, her feet shuffling nervously.

"Besides, that's what we have them sign the waiver. Stop wasting time and get another test subject!" he barked at her.

She nodded meekly, before exiting the room and hurrying back down the hall to the conference room. She sits down and slides a large packet of paper across the table. "Your name?"



It could still use some help to be honest, but that's for later.

Now back to the plot, if this game has a bigger purpose, why do you make it so that the tutorial would kill off 99.9% participants? It needs to make sense, it needs to be solvable, hard to solve, but solvable. This... You'd have to be Tesla to solve it. We have a Tesla like what, once every 500 years or so?

What I'm gonna do next is a bit of a shameless self promotion here, but you'd get my point the best if you read this story, The Escape Hotel .

It's not a VR, but it's like an escape room multiplied kind of scenario that has some similiarities to your plot. You might draw some ideas from there.

Also, I have to agree with Jde on something, make the building kind of flashy, let's say it was a office building in construction and the at the beginning of the story, they open up this lavish lab there that draws in a bunch of people via typical advertisements (like you did already) and that's where the story begins.

Also, yeah, go about how the surgical invasion did not sit well with the pratagonist once he realized it had been done on him, like when he notices a pain in his neck or something.