Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-16095227-20160221081719/@comment-25941663-20160227021437

(Control+F to find them)

"Let me start all over because everyone who will be reading this story will be very confused on the situation at hand. By the way, I forget things real easily so maybe my story might be missing elements."

^^ This whole part is unnecessary and overused. I suggest you replace it with simply "Let me start all over."

"suburbs and i also got" - You need to capitalize 'i'.

"they told that their names" - Either "they told me that ..." or "they said that ..."

"but they something that caught" - Something is missing between "they" and "something". Maybe "said"?

"you should have done your research" - You need to capitalize 'you' and you should end the sentence with a period.

"Well you do know the story, right" - You forgot the question mark.

"Well, you mind telling me," - You need to end the sentence with a question mark instead of the comma.

"He found a women whom" - It's 'woman' instead of 'women'.

"He didn't what was" - You are again missing a word, this time between "didn't" and "what". Maybe "know"?

"murdered the guys sister" - It's "guy's sister" instead of "guys sister".

"Their is twist to this story" - It's "there".

I'm afraid I will have to stop with the corrections right here. You really need to be more careful. It is riddled with errors. Wrong capitalization, random words, nonsense sentences etc. A good read-through would have fixed most of those. Keep that in mind in the future.

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About the story, I have to say it had some surprisingly powerful moments. The beginning, with the man standing in the corner waas fantastic and very interesting. The use of the cockroaches was also pretty good, although you could have done more.

I'm afraid though everything else fell short. You overdescribed appearance of the woman and that gave the little twist away immediately.

Also, the ending was disappointing. Why would anyone go back with that thing/man?

The beginning really is great and has a ton of potential, but you didn't utilise it here. I suggest you try something different. You certainly have potential to develop as a writer, so don't give up. Keep practising.

Happy future writing!