Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30514640-20170121223355/@comment-24101790-20170121225953

As I'm not the deleting admin, I can only point out the issues I see.

Punctuation: You also forget to use punctuation a number of times. "I cannot believe what(')s happened.", ""NEVER"", ""NO"", "Said officer commited suicide the next day by a gunshot to the head", etc.

Capitalization: You randomly shift between capitalizing the word Sim/s and leaving it uncapitalized. As it's a proper noun, it should be capitalized as well as words like Sharpie and other proper nouns.

Wording: There's a lot of awkward wording here. "I clicked on families my cousins had supposedly created, the family where the Wan-Goddard family used to be, and the family had been replaced!", "This was all new sim!", "Michael Woods was shot dead by police for refusing to stop chopping his younger 2nd cousin, 17 year old Skylar Crater's corpse into pieces with a kitchen knife after police were called after a frantic 911 call from Skylar's younger sister,", etc. I would suggest carefully reading the story aloud to yourself as there are a number of instance of awkward/clunky wording.

Grammar: There are a lot of basic grammar mistake who's/whose, their/there/they're, etc.: "used to be was a sim called Vincent Fritz who's bio detailed his relationship with Willow Dee", "There wasn't any blood when the Sims died or anything, they're heads just exploded upon being shot", etc.

Onto the story, this is a fairly generic video game story. Protagonist comes across spooky mod and then spooky things happen. It's been done a lot before and the fact you use tropes from other stories really doesn't help the story much. Take into account that there are a lot of stories where Sims display emotions/sentience and couple it with the issue that there isn't a whole lot of description to make the scenes feel more realistic. (For being a story where the author refuses to provide any photographic evidence (despite finding it noteworthy enough to blog about) and it further weakens the plot. Lines like: "I won't be giving you guys the URL, because Skylar and Ariel requested that I told no one else about it" feel even more out of place given the circumstances.

Finally there's the issue with the story itself. How does the protagonist go from this: "I even decided to walk over to the Ashton home, make out with a random townie I saw (Vincent's inappropriate trait was one of my weapons for making other Sims cry), and then shoot Willow Dee in the head while she cried for the fun of it." to this: "It detailed something it never did before; the murder and disappearances of certain Sims, I recognized them as people I had Vincent kill, mother of god, why would Skylar and Ariel do something like this?" Why exactly are they so disturbed when their whole goal originally seemed to be inflicting cruelties on the characters. It doesn't feel like an effective plot progression and out of how the character you've set up so far would respond (remember, this guy drowned multiple Sims with a supersoaker, why would this unnerve them?)

There are other plot issues, but I think this is enough to highlight the issues present in the story. If you intend on posting an appeal, I would strongly suggest re-thinking this story and likely re-writing it from the ground up as the plot has been used before, the characters aren't really believable in their progression, and the story lacks effective description.