Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24976741-20140525150115/@comment-24976741-20140526000524

Princess Callie wrote:

There's way too much gore. The story is rushed and the phrasing is awkward. Read your story back to yourself for repeated phrases and words, and the like - because there are several.

This looks a lot like gore for shock value. You're aiming for Nightmare fuel, not Nausea fuel.

The plot: As stated, rushed. You're far to big on being to the point. There's no proper description and these murders are not connected very well. There are grammatical errors all over the place.

Plus, what's the point of the first paragraph? Why would you put an entire explanation of something you're doing in the diary/journal/report you're doing it in? Saying it is enough.

The 911 call: For realistic effect, it needs to be straightforward but still give an indication of panic. It was... neither of these things.

This needs a lot of work before it could be accepted to the wiki.

Ya I know that the story was kinda bad seeing as I had started writing this at around 6:00 am today. I've spent the last couple of hours going back and rewriting it as well as rereading it over and over again. Right now I think I've got the story just good enough after all the fixing. If any of you would like I would put up the new version later for review.