Talk:The Other Network/@comment-29249491-20160723162540

Firstly -- I could friggin' swear I read this as an SCP already, a future with a totalitarian US, viewed thru news from on computer in some run-down building, the Patriot Network or something or other, but namely this line: "From what I gathered, the only crimes that were properly investigated were treason and fraud; leaving all kinds of depraved killers and perverts free to do as they pleased. Some had even gained fan-followings; I stumbled across one website dedicated to somebody called the “Dockyard Butcher”

Not calling plagiarism here, especially since a quick quoted serach doesn't pop a result, but my brain hurts. Does this exist as an SCP? Did you write it over there? Or is this one doozy of a spell of deja vous?

That out of the way, real comments.

Nicely done, and I disagree that the technological errors matter, I don't think most people know enough about that kind of thing for it to matter and, frankly, read anything, fiction or not, and you will always find errors -- what matters is whether they ruin the experience for more than, say, 30% of the audience.

Myself, I'm hotly irritated by superlatives, passive voice, cliches, saying instead of showing and (most of all) telling without managing to say anything at all. From this work, an example: "That was when my laptop went crazy.  "  --- That's just useless as a sentence. You even go on to actually show us what you mean after, so the sentence is useless, but at least it isn't a stand-in for actual writing.

Which brings me to say, this needs revision, but it is good.

