Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25670699-20150104200303/@comment-24957984-20150104202303

Alright, I see some issues with this story.

1) I fixed the formatting, but you should copypaste your story in SOURCE MODE next time. Plus, avoid creating huge gaps between paragraphs -- just using the Enter key twice makes a paragraph in a Wikia editor.

2) Skeaping of paragraphs, I noticed some issues with the dialogue. As an example, you wrote "Hahahaha. Why are you so sad?" Oh god,"Don't you want to join the fun?" His voice booms all around me. Taunting me with his carnival nonsense. "I know! Why don't I make you a toy?"

That was somehow hard to understand. We can't find out who is talking. By the way, you should put dialogue like this.

"Hahahaha. Why are you so sad?" Says the person.

Oh god, I thought

"Don't you want to join the fun?"

His voice booms all around me, taunting me with his carnival nonsense.

"I know! Why don't I make you a toy?" He asks me.

3) There are some punctuation issues as well. A simple spellchecker can definitely fix them.

Overall, I like the story's plot, especially because its theme does not involve something I'd usually see much often, and I think the scare factor is there; the structure of the story just needs to be repaired.