Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25169949-20140821193235/@comment-25226524-20140821234916

Well, I just finished your story. I actually enjoyed it, but there were several typos and some phrases that I didn't quite understand. Honestly though, there was nothing seriously wrong with it. You could fix those issues with a couple more proofreads I think.

The intended gritty and grimy feeling of the story was well accomplished. In my opinion, it's not offensive as Umbrello stated (sorry Umbrello) because it's just a character. It's just sometimes hard to realize that it's not the writer's own beliefs being portrayed by the protagonist, but that's usually not the case.

What would "Schindler's List" or "American History X" be without racist/bigoted characters? Nothing. I despise these kind of people as much as the next guy, maybe more so, but I'm not offended by hearing derogatory terms when it's simply showing who the character is. Your character wasn't really all that deplorable considering his circumstances, although I never condone hate in real life.

I will say I may not be the best person to be giving advice about this. I've read books such as "Hogg" by Samuel Delaney (and actually loved it), and many other disturbing books from the depths of depravity, so I'm very open minded about these things. Maybe I'm desensitized, but that's who I am.

I thought your story was actually pretty good. It reminded me of something Ed Lee might come up with. I found it disturbing and bizarre, which is right up my alley. The overall writing wasn't that bad at all, the descriptions were good, and the concept was amazing.

I think if you go over it a few more times (perhaps read it out loud), and catch those mistakes, you'll have a good story. I will tell you that I may be in the minority on this one, because there aren't many people as open minded as I am about writing.

It may not work for this site, but I would definitely hold on to this one, it's got a lot of potential (I think you could actually make this much much longer). Keep writing.