Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27361742-20160908201936/@comment-28266772-20160909141000

The first feeling I felt [redundancy/repetition – feeling/felt] when entering the train was a sense of apprehension. Although I was going on vacation to the country, I was nervous. I felt very uncomfortable [this also feels redundant given it conveys no new information]. It was my first time on a train, and I get easily nervous [the tenses of this sentence feel clumsy; try to find a simpler way to convey the second clause]. I shook it off and took my seat. The train was very old-fashioned, and it looked at home in a museum. The seats were comfortable and soft, and they relieved me. You see, I get more stressed and nervous than your average person [redundant – in light of this second line why not just delete the first clause I mentioned above?]. My first time on a train was certainly going to go better than my first time on a plane. '[Your tenses are inconsistent. Was -> past/Going -> future/I’d-> conditional] 'I’d rather not talk about my first time on a plane. The doors came shut '[v. awkward phrasing]', and the train started to move.

The train was packed with people. It was likely full. The person sitting next to me was a thin man with very little hair, which was black [this could be put more efficiently; it’s not wrong, it’s just not economical]. He was on his phone. After the first hour on the train, the apprehension returned, as if it was some sort of entity [you’re telling and not showing at this stage]. Then the train entered a tunnel.

Except for the dimly-lit lights '[dimly-lit lights? Surely you mean “dim lights”] in the train, it was pitch black [well then… it’s not pitch black?]'. The train screeched to a halt. The conductor came into our cabin saying, [new speaker/new line] “We’re stuck! We have not figured out the cause of this… incident, but we will find out soon. Don’t worry, there has to be an explanation for this.” Then the lights flickered off, then on[flickered will do on its own just fine]. The man sitting next to me put his phone down, with a look of frustration. He said to me, [new speaker new line]“My phone just went dead! It wasn’t like it was less than 10 percent battery, it was at 60 percent! And it was charging on my portable charger. The charger is dead too.” [your dialogue is not believable] Then, through the windows, I swear I saw shadows crawling through the windows [repetition of ‘through the windows]. The windows [try to avoid using the same word so closely over and over] broke, and the shadows crawled through, causing screams from the train passengers. [awkward phrasing – “Causing the train passengers to scream” is far more natural]

A moment later, the light bulbs exploded, causing more screams from the passengers [I repeat, do not repeat phrases in the same paragraph, let alone next to one another], which were cut off. I grabbed my flashlight from my bag and turned it on. Since it was a crank-powered flashlight, and it wasn’t operating on its own, when I cranked it, it turned on '[this plot point is not clear – so the shadows presumably only affect electronics? In which case you could have conveyed this more naturally]'. I wish I hadn’t turned it on. The shadows had consumed almost the entire train '[how? What does it look like? This is a critical & interesting plot point; you’ve got a carriage full of carnage – put it to some use]'. It was still pitch black. I felt the walls, they were there. Also, a light breeze was coming in from the broken windows, chilling the entire cabin. Even though I could feel the walls of the train, I could not see them [doesn’t he have a torch?]. I felt trapped. I tried climbing out the window, but a force repelled me [this feels contrived]. The door was also turned into a wall, as I felt nothing where it once was [also contrived]. The man next to me was visible. His eyes were missing, filled in with a shadowy substance. He was dead [no shit]. Then I saw the tiny shadow creatures crawl out of his eyes, like fire ants. I tried to swat them away, but they were intangible. They seemingly-endlessly [not a good word combo – try “seemed to endlessly crawl”] crawled out of his eyes. They crawled [repetition] up my arm. I started to scream. That was a mistake. They crawled into my open mouth, filling my body quickly.



I woke up in the train, with the flashlight next to me. I felt sore, tired, and achy. I got up, groaning. I looked at myself with the flashlight. No shadows. I didn’t see any movement, so [I] got up to walk towards a seat. I sat down, and began to cry. There was no way that I could find a way out of this train. I heard a wretched groan, dry and wispy. A dead body stood up. It was a woman, with a pale-white face, eyes and mouth oozing some sort of black liquid. I hid under a table, and watched this thing walk around. Its movements were jerky, like it was being controlled by a drunk puppeteer. Tears still covered a part of my face [there are more natural ways to say this]. I was breathing heavily. Because my breathing stood out from the quietness the thing heard me [there’s no need to make two separate clauses about the breathing and you can find simpler ways to say “my breathing was loud so it heard me”], and jerkily walked towards me. I ran away, just as it swiped its hand at me. I felt reinvigorated. I had a will to survive. I punched the creature, and the liquid splashed out. It fell down. Even when down, it was still moving, like it was shaking. I slammed on the [its] windpipe with all my strength. It let out one gasp, and stopped moving after a few seconds.

As I looked at the dead body, I noticed the liquid had crawled away. Shadows. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my arm. I flashed the flashlight on it and I saw that the vein was black. I then felt even more pain. The vein’s blackness had spread. I did not know what to do. I slammed my fists into the walls. The shadows dispersed, and I saw the door to the front of the train and engine room. I entered the room. I could feel the engine, dead, covered in darkness. I used my flashlight to examine the engine. Nothing. Completely covered [with what?]. I tried to somehow start up the engine. It was not working. I felt around for something. I felt a switch. I bumped into it. The train started to rev up and it was moving. The shadows congealed into a single humanoid figure. It said, in a raspy voice, “I WILL NEVER LET YOU…” and the rest of what it said was covered up by the sound of the engine coughing to life. The train sped up and the light of the tunnel grew larger. I had exited the tunnel. The shadows screeched and were gone for good. I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked at my arm. It was gone. I was so tired I fell asleep.

When I fell asleep, I was in a dream. I was in a pool of darkness. There was nothing but darkness. I heard whispers. I turned around. Shadows rushed into my nose and mouth. I couldn’t breath [breathe]. I tried to wake up, but I couldn’t. This was no dream.

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Mechanical issues – Most basic errors I have annotated. Beyond that you have a terrible tendency to write redundant statements. Similarly, you feature a lot of repetitions.

Styles issues - Ultimately the style is basic and you too often tell us what is happening. Look at the statements below:

A dead body stood up/I hid under a table/ I punched the creature/ the liquid splashed out/I felt reinvigorated/ It fell down/ It let out one gasp /It was not working/ -> these are bare-bones explicit statements of what is happening. You are describing a scene or showing us events. Study other well written stories and look at how they present events.

One more thing – format your story as I have above i.e. don’t use indents, use line breaks.

Plot issues – so overall the idea is pretty interesting. I quite liked a lot of it but it’s never made clear why anything happens. It just happens because it needs to be scary. Try to come up with a more interesting reason to bring all these events together.