Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160413174929/@comment-25941663-20160416181502

"florecent light" - It's "fluorecent".

"he was licensed, qualified electrician" - Put an 'a' in front of 'licensed'.

"and my re-organizing my clothes" - The first 'my' should be 'by'.

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I agree with Emp that at some points you were babbling on a bit too much, but I see you are fixing most of them so I won't comment any further on that. Also, I have to note that I too didn't find the way Marlee reacted to the "thing" appropriate.

You provided some very suspenseful and creepy moments in this. Overall, it was an enjoyable read and the vocabulary was at times superb.

I have to say though, I had a bit of an issue with the consistency. Both the vocabulary and the flow was off at times. Not by much, but still. It seemed as if you were more eager to write about the "juice" of the story and rushed through the boring stuff. In the end, you did a great job on the scary bits but not so well on the little transitions in between. A bit more focus and this would have been executed very nicely.

The main problem with this story is that you tried to write short horror with the mindset of a longer story. If you let go of the need to add a backstory, you'll be free to do fascinating stuff. I'm not saying backstory is useless, but you have to add it scarcely. A great tool in short stories is keeping things ambiguous and simple. Here you added a ton of info, and I have to say, I'm still confused as to what happened. Was the creature the true form of the previous owner? Was it a "pet" of the previous owner?

All in all, it was a good effort with some genuinely suspenseful scenes, and with some tweaking this will be good. Well done nevertheless.