Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28788859-20160619210516/@comment-24101790-20160619212357

The awkward wording and overwriting/purple prose is still here so I'll only mention it briefly. "As the sun glided up into the sky, eventually reaching its zenith, a few more travellers came to claim their spot in the rolling green.", "When travellers had the intention of making this their holiday relief, I would be aware as they pulled off from the somewhat wider country turnpike into a tight dirt road where I resided in a little plywood shack perched on a mound able to see the four green fields which were specked around.", etc.

"It was apparent to me now, after some comforting words and questions about what exactly was happening, that their daughter had gone missing after she went into the bathrooms, and upon further investigation was no longer in their. (there)"

"Sick and faeces were smothered on the floor and one of the doors of the cubical block was hanging by only a singular hinge." Did you mean to say smattered or slathered. Smother generally implies suffocation.

"Their (there) is a panel on which the toilets sit which allow access to the concealed chamber of foulness." Remember that there=indicatory, they're=they are, their=possession.

Story issues: "I am writing this under an apparent and ever more increasing mental strain, for I feel my mind has been corrupted by a maddening foulness which I am still unable to comprehend." I'm sorry, but you really don't build up the story to justify this. The protagonist encounters the monster in the last paragraph and there really isn't a lot to explain this madness.

Story issues cont.: The Lovecraftian ending really doesn't work here. Feel free to look the The Hound and The Temple, the limited time aspect works there because the protagonist has no other option but to write out this story. They've tried fleeing or they are trapped in their setting with no hope of escape. It seems odd that either he would begin writing this under the assumption that there's no hope or that the monster has spent the entire time of him writing this outside his window menacing him. It feels odd that they would sit there and commit suicide when they haven't tried fleeing or fighting. There really isn't enough here to make an ending like this work.

Story issues end: If you really want to make this story work, you need to build up the monster more and paint a descriptive image here. "A flash light then reveals a swimming mass of faeces and a scrawny figure, its anatomy out of place, it lay slumped in the black and brown rotting fluid facing away from us preoccupied, doing something. I think I went mad then." What about its anatomy was out of place? Why was this so perturbing for the protagonist? The real lack of description doesn't help explain the protagonist's descent into madness. "it stared at me with those eyes. Those terrible eyes." What about those eyes were so disturbing? These feel like a lot of telling but very little showing.

I'm sorry, but this story needs quite a lot of work. Besides the grammatical and wording issues, there are quite a lot of plot problems here as well. I would suggest posting your next story here before submitting it to the site as this is the second story in a day that has been deleted and the second explanation that's been given.