Talk:Goetia/@comment-28266772-20190105233224

Overall Quality – Overall, pretty good. There are some rough edges here and there like:

Then, a white light burned through my closed eyelids and I thought, Death is so bright. This is my life’s flame burning out in one violent flash. Then (repetition, also ‘then’ is an awkward word in general), the flash dimmed to a glow and I felt the dirt grow solid (sounds a bit clumsy) under my knees.

But in general the writing has enough energy to work. You establish atmosphere and place quite well. For example,

We stood in a field, the village lights a good mile away. <- you show us that Mary is alone, you don’t flat out tell us. It’s simple, but you let us know enough about the setting to inform the plot and characters without it being conspicuous. It’s sets up a lonely, vulnerable mood that sticks throughout.

In other sections you use interesting language to paint an interesting picture. Whether it’s Gabriel’s voice, the dog on the road, or the glorious descriptions of the demons, you show us make a lot of solid stylistic choices.

The plot is interesting, by the way. The whole reimagining is a clever and dark twist on the nativity, although at times it feels a complicated. 9/10

Horror factor – there’s never a great sense of threat but the overall mood is dark and suffocating. There are definitely scary moments but nothing that feels tense. Overall, 8/10 because the horror is definitely there, it’s just more like a dense fog than a crashing tidal wave. Still, I think the story would have benefited from a greater sense of genuine threat (a close call, a near escape, genuine physical harm).

Deus Vult – Pretty much spot on. An original and dark twist on the nativity. I wish the demon’s offer had been clearer because I struggled towards the end to get a sense of exactly what the whole exchange meant, but I think have the gist of it. Still, it’s an eldritch Christian story and that’s great. 9/10

Entertain Factor – You’re fighting an uphill battle because we all know, roughly, what is going to happen. But despite that, you kept me entertained with a dark atmosphere and moments of gross and weird descriptions. I just wish the end had been a little more clearly communicated. 8/10

Overall, 8.5/10