Talk:Little Brother/@comment-5733573-20180513125939

This story has a really cool set-up, but it's absolutely destroyed by Sarah's completely unrealistic reaction to her brother being killed. That aspect of the story just makes the whole thing feel childish and immature in retrospect. Also, there are several details here that don't advance the story in any way: namely, the descriptions of Noa and Jake. These are unnecessary and don't add anything.

In short, would love to see this cleaned up, and the idea followed through to a more logical and realistic ending.