Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25428707-20140916202823/@comment-25170312-20140917014050

I really liked this. It's got great imagery and it's well paced. You need to break it up into paragraphs, though. If you were to submit it like this it would be deleted for being a "wall of text". Make sure that every time the speaker changes in dialogue to make it a new paragraph. There's also quite a few grammatical/spelling mistakes that need fixing, but the most important thing is the paragraphs.

A few other things - I think Tom's name should be mentioned a little earlier instead of just calling him your friend. And I thought the line about "karma's a bitch" didn't really fit. I mean, he just thought kids knocked on the door and ran. I don't see what that has to do with karma, but that's just my opinion.