Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027814-20150121211522/@comment-26007602-20150121232516

Alright, I'd start off by dividing the first paragraph into at least three separate paragraphs, as it is a chore to read through in its current state. Next, you're going to need to decide on a tense for this story. It starts off in past tense, but then soon changes to present tense, and back to past... etc. I'm not entirely sure which is preferable in the story's case, but I think I'd recommend present, as that seems to be the majority of the story.

Your grammar is a bit shoddy as well (Most of it is attributed to your tense issues; fix those and it should clear up rather nicely. Here are a few examples:

"I was sat in my living room with my pet dog, Junior, that I must have had since i was a kid." (I sat/I was sitting; "i" should be capitalized)

"He’s sat back up, and staring at the screen." (He had sat back up and was staring at the screen)

"I unplug the TV and it turns off. But begins to shake." (You can combine these into a single grammatically sentence, such as: I unplug the TV and while it turns off, it begins to shake.)

You should also spell out smaller numbers (17, 7, 2) instead of writing them in numerical form. I also noticed a large repetition in your sentence structure: I did this, I did this, I do this... Try to start your sentences in varying ways as not to bore the reader (I realize this is challenging, but it makes your writing easier overall to read).

The story itself is a bit underwhelming, with nothing really to set it apart from the other numerous "evil figure" stories on this site. It uses a fair amount of clichés as well: red eyes, blood everywhere (Also, "I turn to the television, which is playing nothing at all. It has a flickering a dark red background. Blood-like." Give us more description than "blood-like"; this gives the reader no image to work with in their head), creepy television, and other general ghostly nonsense. You're going to need to cut back on those heavily to create a more original story.

The part with Junior's death is a nice attempt at reader sympathy, but ultimately falls flat because I have no reason to care for the dog. You need to build on his relationship with the narrator before we can be affected by his well being. The narrator himself is rather unlikable. He just seems rather obnoxious with his excessive swearing. I'm all for swearing when used effectively, but here it seems rather forced. He's also strangely easily distracted. He's scared to death of an evil shadow and then goes to answer the door? And when there's nothing there (Which is also never explained; is it the shadow or is he legitimately being doorbell ditched in the middle of the story?), he just goes back to life like nothing happened? No. I don't believe it. It seems like a cheap way to break up the story.

Also, why is this titled "Dan_Haslam's Paranoia"? I see that it's your username, but it doesn't play into the story at all.

Finally, I'd advise against stating the story's setting in the first few beginning lines; it is unnecessary and off-putting. Show, don't tell us about the character and setting. The ending too, is a bit underwhelming. I'd try to leave it less ambiguous, as I have no idea if this shadow even has any malicious intent.

Overall, you'd need a heavy rework to save this story as the plot just isn't that original and it needs more build up. I don't want to discourage you from writing, as the potential is there, but it just doesn't currently meet this site's standards.