Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25099309-20140624121733/@comment-24304936-20140624130720

First off, this is a wall of text. You need to use paragraphs when writing a story. You would probably benefit by taking a look here for some more insight on some basic writing skills. It's okay to not know some basics. We all had to learn at some point, and as long as you're willing to learn, you will develop.

Next, you jump around from scene to scene so blindly that by the end of the story I had totally forgotten that this was about some meat factory. Too many needless variables in this story that just don't make sense and certainly do not make it scary. You need to build up more. Okay, this factory was built in 2012. Why? What sort of meat was processed there? Wouldn't there be workers toiling about when you entered this fairly new factory? Details and plot. We, as readers, want them.

Lastly, your phrasing is very clunky. For example: "A very big one indeed, I couldn't help myself with anything, and I went in." Read that out loud. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? Better, would be to write something like: "A large structure, I felt compelled to to venture beyond the gray walls to appease my curiosity." Or something along that line.

Anyway, check out that link I left you up there. Also, check around online for resources on writing techniques. There are thousands of sites out there that can do nothing but help you succeed.