Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20150430062138/@comment-24450775-20150430211812

Technical stuff: Line four, instead of 'off of' you could just say 'off Craigslist.'

Paragraph two, line two. This is really a personal thing. When I read things like 'he seemed normal' that automatically implicates the seller in whatever weirdness is to come. Now mind you, if that is your intention, then its fine, don't change it. However, if you wanted this incident to be mysterious and unknowable, then you may want to remove it. Food for thought.

Another personal quibble. I can let the date slide in numerals, but monetary designations really should be spelled.

Paragraph three, line four. I wouldn't call it a 'strange hiss.' And hiss coming from a computer would be strange. You should call it a strange hissing sound. Again, this keeps it vague and makes the reader wonder. But if you call it a hiss in absolute terms peoples minds will go to a snake or a cat. The snake is your punchline. Tease us, but don't tell us till the end.

Snake venom doesn't normally cost limbs. So maybe the venom was necrotic? You could say that if this was an unknown/undiscovered specious of snake.

Story stuff: This is a really weird story. It makes me think of urban legends and the like. Not a bad thing at all mind you. I'm not sure how a snake would get in (or out) of a lap top, but I give you points for originality.