Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24841494-20140401134050/@comment-10950063-20140401135834

Get rid of "His voice dripping with venom. It was plain he despised ‘Sleepy’." That's too telling, not showing.

The “We have decided. . ." bit is much too expository. I would chop it down to "Your name shall be Intiate 243. Training will begin tomorrow."

"You have today to rest and contemplate your fate" is a bit heavy-handed.

If characters know something, like that there's something wrong with someone's back, don't have them talk like they don't know about it or the consequences.

Is this going to be a creepypasta?