Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33470154-20180607103709/@comment-5733573-20180607155123

I have to be honest: it's not great. For one thing, it's way too compounded. You just sort of skirt past the wealth of weirdness being handed to you by the creepy blue holes and go straight for the overdone monster cliche, which just makes the whole story disappointing. If you don't trust the blue hole idea to be scary or weird enough on its own, that that tells me it doesn't scare you. And if it doesn't scare you, then maybe you should pick a different urban legend.

Apart from that, a lot of the writing is just awkward. You have a lot of redundancies such as, "It looked pale in the light, and seemed to be coming towards the light, towards me." Also, your writing does a lot of telling and not nearly enough showing. The sentence I quoted above is also an example of this. You say it's coming toward you, but you say nothing about how its moving, or what you think it might be. There's no dread and anxiety there. It doesn't pull the reader in and make them feel any kind of fear.

In short, there's too much going on in this story, and not enough care has been taken to present it clearly. I'm sorry I couldn't say more for it, but I hope you found this helpful.