Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26705150-20151015024029/@comment-27008899-20151022165158

There are a lot of wording issues here. Description can make or break a story depending on the worsing. It reads like a teenagers journal. Be careful with prepositions such as "anyway" and "since" in narration as these are not necessary. I am anti "but" at the beginning of sentences. There are some puntuation issues. The concept itself is not uninteresting. The beginning does make one wonder what is going to happen. The ending is a bit anticlimactic as you never really find out about the brother. I have read several of your pieces and I know you can do better. Read each sentence and think about how it could be reworded. If you want specifics about anything I have said I can give them tonight as I am doing this from my phone.