The Ritual of Extension

What you are about to read is the key to living a good, healthy and long life. However, there's a chance of perishing. Proceed with care.

You'll need these following items, tangible or not: A good mindset, a knife, a close friend, a paper, a sharpie, and an electronic device. First, grab the paper and pen and write your name, address, and your friend's name. Then, rip the paper to shreds and dump it in a pile. However, they must land in front of you. Next, throw the device onto the shreds. Wait for 10-15 seconds. DO. NOT. MOVE. If the device comes on, you survived the first part. If it doesn't you are in danger. To rid of the danger take the device and burn it with the lighter.

Now, burn the shreds with the lighter. At this point you should hear a buzz. Don't move at all when you hear it. If you move, the shreds and the device will explode, fatally injuring if not killing you. After two seconds the buzz comes to a stop but you still hear it. Grab dice. Roll them. If you get an odd number, run and proceed somewhere else. If even, continue in the same place.

Grab a piece of grass and swallow it whole. Don't chew it. If you swallow it successfully, yell "BE ENGULFED IN ME" and then attempt to nauseate yourself in any way you can. If the grass comes out, the ritual comes to a successful close then and there. But, if it doesn't, which it most likely won't, you'll fall asleep. Your perception of time will cease completely and you'll have a lucid dream where reality is switched. Now, look at the dice. If you rolled evens, they will be odds. At that point, you're screwed.

If you rolled odds, the final test is here. Find the lighter. It would now be a flamethrower. You'll also see a bucket of gasoline.

Burn your house down and step inside. Don't move AT ALL. If you move, the flames engulf you and kill you in your dream, causing you to become permanently comatose. If you don't move, the flames will stop. Immediately you'll wake up 12 hours later. Take a deep breath and eat a fruit.

At this point, the ritual is almost over. Call that friend over again if they left. Now, light your friend on fire.

After that, you'll have another 100 years to live.