Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25383866-20161021144248/@comment-28266772-20161021152542

 [I’m going to skip the first few hundred words of annotations because I found nothing to actually annotate in the first half of your story] 

 One spring, it rained a lot. I think I was 12, which would have made Beth 11. The boys and I had lost much of our enthusiasm for Bunkers [not sure this should be capitalised] the summer before, but Beth’s perfect stacks were still popping up, and they had been all winter. I remember seeing her tracks in the snow on the way to the bus, which only ran when the weather was worse than a tornado in a shithouse, leading under the bridge. She stacked snow instead of rocks, and when I came home at the end of the day, I would '[the use of a conditional mood upsets the flow, and the point of reference doesn’t feel as clear. I go into more detail on this problem below but in this specific example the problem is that it starts with the specific incident of seeing tracks in the snow, before moving onto a conditional modality that suggests a habitual behaviour. The point of reference just feels inconsistent] 'see perfect towers of packed snow facing each other below the bridge like frozen soldiers.

 Well, like I said, that spring, it rained. A lot. So much so that the creek under the bridge flooded. It rose by nine feet, covering the bridge [repetition] and overflowing its banks, the brown torrent ripping at the concrete pylons. It poured onto the county road. I remember looking out at the foaming water rushing through the metal railings, felt it tearing against the underside of my dad’s truck as we drove to the community disaster shelter, and to me, it looked alive, full of malice, like a seething, rabid [I really like this description] animal.

 [I’ve also cut the last few hundred words because I couldn’t see any problems there either] 

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 Mechanical issues – There were basic errors showing that this was written to an exceptionally high standard. However, your use of tenses is a bit messy sometimes. If I look at the excerpt below we start with a distinct point of reference.

'' She started placing rocks one on top of another, growing progressively smaller until she was stacking pebbles and dust. ''

 The narrator and the girl are under the bridge playing with the rocks. That’s our point of reference; they’re playing together under a bridge.

'' I don’t know what her family life was like, but once I had shown her the bridge, I started to see her there by herself more and more, building her cairns. ''

 Then we move to a habitual time frame which is fine in and of itself but then…

'' I think she was skipping school to go and play down by the bridge. ''

 The mood/aspect of the tense “she was skipping school” muddles the point of reference further. Past progressive tenses are used to convey that an action is occurring at the exact time as the point of reference. But the point of reference has shifted into a non-specific habitual one. Needless to say you’ve introduced a level of unnecessary complexity. The shift from a specific incident to a more general ill-defined period of time needs to be handled better, and more transparently, than it is by here. I saw other similar errors and I think the story would appreciate from you handling the flow of time with more care.

 Style issues – I can’t go too in-depth for this review, but the style is elegant and simple and it works. I think some more poetic/descriptive language could have elevated some of the passages. You describe the flood consuming the bridge very well; I would have liked more moments like that. I’m mainly thinking of the snow/rock stacks themselves that I never felt were well described rather than just stated as ‘stacks’ and little else. Besides that a lot of the imagery works, and is compelling.

 Plot issues – the only issue is the following: But… Beth didn’t forget me. -> This, unfortunately, just gives it all away. Which is a shame because until that line I wasn’t suspecting anything supernatural and I think this story would have actually caught me off guard.

 Other than that though this story is fucking superb. I really enjoyed it. It was compelling, immersive, sad, and also pretty creepy! You captured the atmosphere quite well. Great job.