User blog:Alstinson/Jeff the Killer Review

In celebration of the rewrite contest, here's the terrible original! Weird to say. Part of my comedic review series "Critique-Pasta". Funny and Honest. Find it here                                                                  The Review:
 * http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:Alstinson/My_Critiques

Welcome, Fellow Critics! I couldn't call myself a "Creepypasta Critic" (or is it "Critique Pasta") without reviewing arguably the worst, MOST overrated one of them all, Jeff The Killer!

I was skeptical about doing this one, because honestly, everyone and their GRANDMA had something to say about it, and I'm not only late for that train, it's long gone! But I've dedicated my Blog on cataloging and spewing hate for all the shoddy Pastas, so how can I not include this one?!

This one hasn't JUST been arrested by the community, it's been sentenced to DEATH! It has been deleted from the Wiki, and is prohibited to EVEN be commented on! So, let's hope this doesn't count as "commentary".

I can't attack it as a criminal of the site, because it has ALREADY served justice. So, I want you to think of my take as a DOCUMENTARY. A documentary that is reminding you of what a menace the story was, like one of Adolf Hitler, only this one is the Hitler of Creepypastas. Let's be glad that Jeff The Killer is finally a stiff himself, this is his story!

The story begins with a poorly written, too descriptive news article that tells of a comedic break in. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac it seems, is terrorizing young children.

A young boy recalls the Killer, who he describes as having a white face, and black hair with a carved mouth, so YEAH! JOHNNY THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC. He wakes to him by his bed side, and the killer says in a voice, that only a poorly described character could mutter, "Go To Sleep".

His father comes into the scene and is stabbed in the shoulder, and is about to be finished off, when Police sirens near. Jeff retreats and leaps through the glass window.

Leaps. Through. The. Window. Am I reading a Creepypasta, or watching a cartoon?

By the way, not that it's anything of importance, but this story uses the word "Ominous" at least THREE TIMES. Once to describe the killer in the article, and other times to describe Jeff, who IS the killer. Why not just rename the story to, "Jeff The Ominous Killer?"

We transition to the story being told narrative, and the writing here is so bad I double check to make sure that I didn't fall asleep... while... reading it! Oh God, it's for real! I didn't realize HOW bad this was!

I know I've said this before, but this really plays out like a Tommy Wiseau film. And...

Come to think of it. Black hair, ugly white face? My God... It can't be! No, it HAS to be a coincidence.

Sorry folks! Lost myself there. The storytelling, right!

The storytelling is an absolute joke. Characters reenact emotion, but none actually convey it, except when Jeff's character is trying WAY TOO HARD. But that is a miss too due to the overacting.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[41390,41560,0,0]}">Jeff's story begins as he and his brother are children, and starts after a party invitation is given from another family. An invitation to get us from point A to point C.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[41562,41680,0,0]}">Jeff and his brother go to the bus stop to get to school, but are stopped by the Build Up Boys, Randy Keith and Troy.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[41682,41820,0,0]}">Honestly these characters are there to build up the evil in Jeff. They torment him and his brother and cause Jeff to punch and stab them.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[41822,42009,0,0]}">The story has Jeff's evil coming out as though a sickness, and we're supposed to be surprised at what that's building up to. Should have thought of that before calling it JEFF THE KILLER.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42011,42154,0,0]}">At school, Liu is proud of his brother, but Jeff is unsure of the feeling he gets with the violent urges. It's just growing pains, walk it off!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42156,42185,0,0]}">When the shit hits the fan...

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42187,42233,0,0]}">What's this feeling? Back to... the review...

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42235,42661,0,0]}">When the shit hits the fan, in an all too dramatic to take seriously scene, the police press Jeff and his mom about the injured children. Jeff's mom, realistic as ever, seems mildly upset with her son, and Jeff decides to turn himself in to protect Liu. But Liu, in an attempt to get out of this story sooner, turns himself in and is taken to Juvy for a year. Jeff is heartbroken, and his folks are just kind of underwhelmed.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42663,42720,0,0]}">Great parents! It's good they'll support Jeff's emotions.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42722,42866,0,0]}">The following two days Jeff's mother, proving she has no love for her children, awakens Jeff pushing him to get ready for the party at Point C.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[42868,43218,0,0]}">Jeff doesn't put up much of a fight, but has a slight argument about dress code. It's tedius, but nothing serious. So yeah, we delayed the plot for NOTHING. It doesn't develop his fury, it doesn't contribute anything, it just makes the story longer, giving the reader a fake sense of an epic tale. But this story is nothing but an epic fail-AAAAAGH!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43220,43376,0,0]}">What's happening to me?! I don't feel so well guys.. I don't think I can finish this review! The story is getting to me! I wasn't prepared for it. wasn't...

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43378,43449,0,0]}">NO! I don't care what's going on, I AM FINISHING THIS REVIEW! MMM! MMM!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43451,43598,0,0]}">They attend the party, which is a really stereotypical house party. In the backyard, Jeff befriends kids and plays cowboys. How wonderfully boring!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43600,43752,0,0]}">The climax rolls in to make things interesting, or uninteresting as the bullies that cost Jeff his brother, hop the party and proceed to attack Jeff.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43754,43959,0,0]}">One Chicken Fight later... There is no other way to describe it. Randy beats Jeff up, throwing him into the house. He breaks a bottle over his head and begins pushing him inhumanely, to the breaking point.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[43961,44086,0,0]}">They expect us to take it seriously. The bully has no heart, and is instead a plot device to bring the insanity out in Jeff.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44088,44130,0,0]}">Don't believe me? Here's an ACTUAL quote!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44132,44237,0,0]}">"What do you expect Jeff? Randy asks. I'm from Stephen King Land, none of the bullies have souls, there!"

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44239,44424,0,0]}">Through Randy's taunts, Jeff feels that urge to kill that he, "Hasn't felt in a while", (I guess two days is a long time) and goes insane in the most rushed storytelling I've ever seen.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44426,44552,0,0]}">Jeff kills Randy by, Oh, God! PUNCHING HIM IN HIS HEART. I guess Randy IS from Stephen King Land. Everyone is apalled by Jeff.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44554,44799,0,0]}">Wow. A lot to take in. But, at least the story will give us time to fathom. Maybe they will develop some character. The pacing needs to be calm from here, in order to take the story seriously. It NEEDS to, otherwise it would be a painful read...

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44801,44920,0,0]}">Jeff then faces thing one and thing two, Keith and Troy as they reveal guns and open fire on Jeff, forcing more climax.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44922,44975,0,0]}">No! We need a break from this! It's a grate, to read!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[44977,45068,0,0]}">They chase Jeff into the bathroom where he kills them both, but is set fire in the process.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[45070,45234,0,0]}">That's not how you write! You are taking out all my patience Jeff! This is terrible! You're BEGGING me to give you the WORST review of all time-! AAAAAAAH! My Head!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[45236,45286,0,0]}">OOOOOOOOOW! WHAT IS THIS FEELING! WHAT IIIIIS IT?!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[45288,45550,0,0]}">When you are the thinking about it, the Creepypasta is designed to be creepy. If it told a story that was more creative, better written and paused properly it would be shameful! This WAS real scary. He killed people, huh? Let's continue with it, then. Ha Ha Ha!

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[45552,45834,0,0]}">He blacks out and comes to in the hospital. His parent's inform him that Liu is being let out of jail due to testimony from Randy and friends (I guess the act of revenge is a confession) and that they'll all be together, again. He also learns it'll be weeks before he can recover.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[45836,46058,0,0]}">When that day comes the family sees the terror of Jeff's deformed white face, and black hair. Jeff's face is bleached and his hair is burned black. My God, he's become a Caucasian! Or maybe it's the opposite of black face?

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[46060,46185,0,0]}">Jeff loves the new look and strokes it insanely. It would be a LITTLE subtle if the narrator didn't explain it WORD FOR WORD.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[46187,46414,0,0]}">Jeff, in another painfully forced climax, reveals his eyelids were removed and that his mouth was carved into a permanet smile. He kills his parents (Thank God) and moves in on his brother. He ends the story on his catchphrase.

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[46416,46719,0,0]}">I went in wanting to tell you about how bad the story was, huh? But I have surprise, like beautiful red dress! This story is BRILLIANT. It captures human social behavior perfectly! The story is scary, the writing is perfectly consistent and it is not at all a tedius read! Highly recommend it. 10/10

<p data-parsoid="{"dsr":[46416,46719,0,0]}">"Original Story": http://trollpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer