Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170130001515/@comment-26475800-20170130004207

I'm going to go through this as I read, because something caught my eye and I needed to comment on it.

"They never allowed me to curse, soil my clothing, or date." Soil my clothing sounds a lot like this guy had a problem with his bowels.

"It's been manifesting itself in several different ways: being angsty, sarcasm, and straight-up rudeness, to name a few." While grammatically correct, there's something off with this sentence. It stems from the phrasing and word choice, try writing this another way and it will sound a lot better.

"I definitely would, but my parents set up cameras in my room, and they monitor the footage every morning. I'd be discovered within hours." That seems unreasonably strict. Maybe it will be resloved later in the story, but I don't think so, since there's not that much left of the story.

"One night, my mother went too far by taking my laptop, which is where I draw." Draw what? Draw the line, or draw pictures? We don't know enough about this character to know what he would draw.

Should have kept reading. "She told me I was, "wasting my time," on art." don't need a comma for the quote inside this sentence.

"But by 9 - my curfew, I decided I would take action." You used and em-dash to start the aside, but you closed with a comma, stay consistent.

- my little brother's - Is this needed for the story?

Okay, so now onto the story itself. There's some bigger issues with the story than with the grammar. Namely, it would be deleted for the content. Basically this is too cliche. The child killing their parents is overused and normally not used well at all. That being said, this story falls in with the rest of them.

We care nothing about the characters, and mainly only know what we are told. You should take the time to show us what's going on by showing things in the environment.

So a few points that you'll want to improve: world, characters, and conflict. Those are the main points for any story, and this story is lacking them severely. On another note, I'd say you scrap this story and start on something new. I doubt, even if it did become perfect, that it would be able to stay on this site.

Hope you find any of this helpful.