Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24976741-20140602212852/@comment-24974354-20140603235918

i would suggest brushing up on comma usage and independant / dependant clauses ( and how the two are related ). there are some spelling errors ( "leave it up to Dr. Peyton to make the realist things" realest; " out of the inside of there suits" their ), and the overall piece doesn't flow very well. sentences are choppy and not well connected--i would suggest transitions and perhaps some more 'fancy' words here and there.

i don't feel like the story was very scary, but that might have simply been because it read rather choppily and seemed a bit rushed. i did like the last bit, though, about the red eye. i hadn't been expecting that ( although why it is red doesn't seem to be explained? )

also, some of the errors pointed out by deVir weren't incorrect even though it's written in the past tense--it is correct as had come and had become because of the had.