Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150412231534/@comment-25891880-20150412235434

CrazyWords wrote:

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Numerous punctuation errors. Punctuation left outside of dialogue: "Are we there yet?",", "Honey, how many times have they said that same godforsaken sentence?".", etc. Commas used instead of periods in conclusive dialogue. "...what she wanted to hear; "No," You use a comma in dialogue when there is something continuing after like this: "Welcome to my home, under the floorboards," the deep, gravely voice answered. I knew it must of been around middle age." Additionally ellipses are for pauses in dialogue or omission of words from a quote. Using it as a 'dramatic pause' is a bit gimmicky

Wording issues: "I felt the van the van (sic)hitting any bumps on the dirt road, and knew that we were getting close.", "They wouldn't be outside because there (sic) grass outside, and they wouldn't be inside because there's nothing in our basement!", "I waited until my family feel (fell) into a pretty good sleep...", "I felt the car gently rumbled (sic) to a stop." Tense shifting from past tense to present: "I'm immobilized by fear."

Minor spacing issues: "again,"Stupid animals,", "yelled,"Mine!".", etc.

Dialogue continued on new lines when it really shouldn't be. "but then she looked back at us and said,


 * "Oh! And no going into the basement." Then she walked inside."
 * "The next day my Mom pulled me aside, and asked me,
 * "Do you still believe in the basement Boogeyman?""

Grammar your=possession, you're=you are "Three, you must tell both of us where your going...", ""Aww, your so cute. I'm just gonna eat you up!" Who's=who is, whose=possession. "who's chore..."

Story issues: you are telling the story in past tense but it is implied the protagonist was killed at the end of the story. There really isn't much build-up to the man's reveal at the end. There really wasn't much description either, which weakened the story. There were a number of issues here that brought your story below quality standards, which resulted in its deletion. Excuse Me, but if I fix these, would the story still be deleted in the end? Obviously not. The smartass way to making sure your story doesnt get deleted is posting it on Writers Workshop FIRST so you can get some advice on what is wrong about it, then when you're ready post it on the main site.