Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25519076-20141012224518/@comment-24821182-20141013045554

I'm going on the formatting first:

- The text is a rather small fond, and the paragraphs are centered. This is the result of pasting your story into visual mode, and it creates a bunch of rather annoying formatting errors.

- The huge chunks of text should definitely be split up into more, easily digestible paragraphs.

Now for the grammar:

- You seem to capitalize the first letters of random words, such as "Brother", "Birthday", "Family", "So", "It", "He", "Music", and "Breakfast". Only capitalize names and the first word in a sentence.

- There should be an apostrophe in "He was at his Brothers house..."

- It should be "off" rather than "of" in the sentence: "...to put his mind of what had just happened."

- It should be "himself" and "whether" in the sentence: "…debating with him self inside of his head wither what had just happened was anything to worry about or not." Also, "debating with himself inside of his head" is an awkward way to phrase the fact that he was contemplating.

- It should be "note" in the sentence: "…what the posted not had written on it."

Now for the actual story:

Literally nothing happened. There was no build-up, no climax, and no satisfying conclusion. The ambiguity of who the blurry figure was is rather annoying, and to my knowledge you've left zero hints as to his identity. Even if you correct the grammar, I don't this will meet quality standards.

You could try adding more to it, so that there's some real and - most important of all - justified spookiness going on.