Talk:Pass the Parcel/@comment-26054278-20150717202614

(For 2015 June-July Demon/Devil Contest) This story is actually pretty good. It still has some problems that could definitely be improved upon in the future, but there are still plenty of great things here.

The idea itself is something I’ve never heard before, and I give you a lot of credit for coming up with it. Sure, the Devil actually making some hallucinate and do other various things isn’t exactly new, but the reason behind it all presents it in a new and clever way.

In addition to this being creative, it is also a pretty creepy idea. Although I personally couldn’t identify with that paragraph (because I actually do have a fear of death and don’t think it is a laughing matter), the way death is described is chilling. Maybe I’m already for it just because I’m afraid of dying, but because the writing in this story is well done, I’m sure it will be effective even to people who don’t have this fear.

Speaking of the writing, other than a couple typos here and there, this piece has some great word choice and a lot of great conversation on death (as I talked briefly about above). In other words, the actual English in the story is pretty close to perfect.

The faults of the story are mainly in the predictability of the story and the main character.

I predicted early on that “Mr. S” stood for “Mr. Satan”, but I kind of hoped that the story didn’t draw too much attention to it. Unfortunately, when they did reveal it and talk about for a couple sentences, it had no impact at all because I already predicted it and it wasn’t an especially clever twist or anything.

It happens once again, although actually more obvious, later on. The main character says he found this big discovery that the part of the brain he was given was part of the Devil’s brain. Not only was this predictable, but it was only predictable because the story already told us this previously. Sure, the actual conversation about how the Devil’s brain controlled him is pretty great, but the reveal itself has no impact at all because of the previous line, "Part of the DEVIL is inside you, James. Mr. S."

That line literally gave this away, and I think it would have been better if that line was completely omitted. Not only would that reveal be a lot more hard-hitting and clever, but there would also be less build-up to what the “S” stood for, therefore not continually drawing attention the mystery identity of this person when the reader already knows it.

The ending, however, was smart. I knew what the title meant right before the ending happened, but the way it was presented was well done and it never felt like I was ever waiting for the story to get to the reveal.

However, the sections where the plot lacked impact could have been improved if we had some sort of attachment to the main character. Unfortunately, this main character is very bland.

While the development of him going from apparently normal to the Devil controlling him was alright, the huge problem is that I don’t know this character at all. Hell, I couldn’t even really speculate on whether he was a male or female until James (which is the main character’s name) said that he had a girlfriend. I only know his name because it was told at the very end of the story.

Other than the fact that he got in an accident (which we don’t really care about the outcome to because we don’t know the character), has a girlfriend, and seems to be a normal person, I don’t know anything about this guy. Therefore, I really don’t care about him, and the reveals that maybe could have had an emotional impact (if not a huge “plot” impact) don’t have this because I have no reason to root for this person.

An odd comparison here is from a recent animated film called Minions. In that film, besides them being cute, there is no reason for us as viewers to cheer them on or get invested in their problem of having to find a new boss to serve. It is the difference between the reader/viewer getting invested in the plot or not getting invested.

Although I have these complaints, the other aspects of the story are truly quite good. There are rough sections and a rather boring main character, but overall, this does get the job done. 75/100.