Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25681121-20141224205254/@comment-25170312-20141224211130

Well, the story is okay. The last line is a little weird. It's almost as if the guy read the story and prepared his line ahead of time. There's a lot repetition when referring to things like "the video" and "the channel". If they are spaced out, it's okay. But since most of your sentences start very directly, and aren't that descriptive other than giving us information, it becomes really noticable.

Here's some issues with the grammar, which are important to fix:

- Sometimes you don't capitilze I.

- At least once you said "there" instead of "their"

- There's run-on sentences. If a sentence has too many commas, you should try to break it up into at least two separate sentences. Some short sentences could also be joined together.

Here's an example of something that would flow better if changed:

"The thumbnail was a picture of a room. The room had peeling wallpaper and had a shelf and a bed. I clicked the video. I put my headphones back on and turned down the volume."

How about this instead:

"The thumbnail was a picture of a room. It had a shelf and a bed, and the wallpaper was peeling. I clicked the video, put my headphones back on, and turned down the volume."

This removes the repititve of 'a room' / 'the room', and the repetition of 'had' in the second sentence. It also joins the last two sentences into one. This is the kind of thing you could do throughout the pasta to make it flow better.

I hope some of this helps. Good luck. XD