Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29458657-20160908131851/@comment-28266772-20160909144043

Somewhere, at the shore near the ocean [redundant – all shores are near the ocean], there is a peculiar land which throws the people who come by into a new world, one where the sane mind wouldn’t like to dwell in. This place is where the wind throws chunks of rocks from the gloomy hill, where the water is colored like poison and where a small broken boat lies by the shore, a boat which no one touches, for they say it will bring the boatman’s spirit with the new owner. This is the painful place that the locals refer to as The Land Where Fire Never Burns.

Most people who feel the need to observe what was renewed on the land [not sure what you mean here] climb up the gloomy hill and look down. However, neither this place is good to linger on, since you can feel a hand, at first lightly touching you, which later pushes you, making you fall from the hill. You will fall on the perilous land, where the sand will devour you and take you into the abyss.

There are all sorts of stories about this small piece of land that nobody dares to walk on, except when necessary and always running. Some talk about an old ship where something not human was on which sank near the shore [this is worded awkwardly]. Others talk about the so-called Dark Traveler which [who] stopped in his path on the Land where fire never burns [Land Where Fire Never Burns] and there, judging on his actions, decided to commit suicide. No one talks about who he is and how he haunts, but what all locals know is that this place is bad and no one should stop here [there] at any cost, for those who did [do], never came [come] back.

I will tell you in detail only one tragic event that took place there for certain. It was evening and a group of five teenagers who were in the mood for camping, set up their tents on the land. They knew, of course, about the darkness that rests there, but they thought they were strong since they were united.

There were three boys and two girls, all of them from the local high school. They were in love with adventure and squick [squick isn’t really appropriate here – try another word instead], and they felt the need to try this. The one who brought [came up with] the idea, Cody, was [also] the first one who stated that it was wrong to do so [cut out ‘to do so’]. He said it before all hell broke loose, but his buddies no longer cared and he went with them, [not sure what you mean here] as he thought they would make a laughingstock out of him if nothing would go [‘went’ not ‘would go’] wrong. The others were, Justin, Laura, Sean and Brenda.

The sun was still shining while they were setting up their tents. Sean was helping Laura, hoping to make her his girl, Justin was always eating and the others were just setting up their tents while turning constantly, as you never feel safe on this land. It’s as if even though there is an evil force that rests on this land, it still has something good in it, trying to warn those who linger too much, but still enjoys it fully when they don’t listen. [that last bit “but still enjoys…” feels weird and tacked on] After putting up their tents, they started playing around, trying to invoke the beings, but with no success.

“Dingy spirit of madness, rise up to meet us, please!” Cody said. “And don’t forget to show us your boobs!” added Justin.

They were all having a good time in some way, except for Laura, who was staring at the hill as if in trance. Her worried boyfriend, Sean, went to Cody: “Hey, Cody, you were with Laura last time, what’s wrong with her?” [new speaker new line] “Mmm, I don’t know.” [said who?]

Cody then turned to her [Laura] and started shouting. Sean rapidly stopped him and ran up to his girlfriend. Stopping by her side, he asked “What are you doing?” She didn't turn. Sean looked at her and saw that she was trembling slowly in fear. In a moment of bewilderment, he grabbed her shoulders and turned her to him. She seemed like she woke up from a nightmare. Sean asked: “Are you all right?” “Yeah, well, I was a little scared.” “A little scared? You were trembling! And why?” “I think I saw a burnt body on the hill.” [start a new line for each new speaker, also say who’s speaking if there’s a group of people]

Sean looked to the hill, but he didn't notice anyone. It was the same gloomy and awkwardly-shaped hill, nothing was new about it. Cody came by and asked them what happened. Laura went away and the boys shrugged their shoulders. Then Sean ran up to Clara, grabbing her hand, and addressing her: “Baby, if you saw a person there, then warn us. He might be dangerous!” “I’m not sure I actually saw him.” “And well, did you?” “No. You know, let’s mind our own business.”

They hugged and went to Sean’s tent.

Night came suddenly. The crickets were singing. The teenagers were now trying to prove the theory: seeing if they can set up a fire in this place. The five satt [sat] on the sand, forming a circle and using Clara’s flashlight to see each other. Justin took out his box of matches. Jokingly, he said: “If this doesn’t work, we’re officially screwed!” “Oh, shut up! We have flashlights!” said Brenda.

They tried once, twice, and it didn't work as tales are almost never just words in vain. They laughed at this, either because of the unnatural phenomena or to hide their fear. “Hey, guys, maybe that box of matches doesn’t work.” sayid [said] Laura. “It works just fine, thank you.” responded Justin “Sean, please bring your flashlight, too. [delete ‘too’]” said Cody.

Sean went to his tent to bring up his flashlight. He entered the tent and opened his backpack. He rummaged through the mass of unnecessary things and found his flashlight. He lighted it up [turned it on is a more natural way to say this] and the light was blue. Sean laughed and got out of the tent. But as he looked towards his friends, the smile on his face disappeared. There were five people sitting down in a circle talking. He couldn't point out to who was missing as Laura’s flashlight was off. [I’m not sure what you mean in this sentence] His heart was pumping as he was afraid to approach his friends, as if they were strangers. In a short time, [this feels awkward] he took up the courage to raise his flashlight over [swap ‘over’ for ‘towards’]them. Only then they turned to him. The fifth one was another teenager, a girl, but with her eyes missing. She seemed to have had eyes, but they were sewn shut. Like his friends, she stared at him. Trying to take his eyes off her, Sean asked his buddies: “Who is she?” Cody answered: “She’s Lucy. She’s our new buddy. Come over here and get yourself known to her.” “When did she show up. I mean, I sat there, in my tent, just about a minute.” Justin laughed, Lucy smiled and the others looked worried at him [delete ‘at him’]. Then Justin looked back at Sean and said: “Bro, you actually sat there about thirty minutes. She just showed up in the meantime. A stranger thing is why your flashlight is made [delete ‘made’] blue.” “I didn’t make it blue!” “You should’ve made it red! At least it would’ve been scary.” “I did not make it like this. This is how it is!” “Okay. Come over.” Sean gulped and made slow steps towards the group. As he was pointing his flashlight at them, he saw how they just kept staring at him, having no other activity [the last bit of this sentence is weird]. He then stopped. Again, he felt like being [being -> he was] about to join some strangers who might want [to harm him]him harm. He asked: “Why did Laura stop [switch off] her flashlight?” “Lucy looked scary. Justin pointed out that we should stop our flashlight.” [this doesn’t make sense] said Cory.[space]”Now, would you come over?” “Okay. I’ll come.” said Sean.



He continued to walk towards them, making slow moves [movements]. “Why do you keep staring at me?” Cory said: “Because you’re behaving weird.” “Am I behaving weird? How the hell?” “Dude, you stayed thirty minutes in there. We thought these ghosts killed you and decided to go there and see what happened, but then you appeared with your weird flashlight and you’re wondering why are we staring at you?” “To make sure you won’t kill us, that’s why!” Cory and Brenda said this [get rid of ‘this’]. Sean then talked, this time feeling embarrassed: “Well, you came up with a fuckin’ eyeless girl, not me!” Suddenly, the new girl steps [stood] up and walks [walked] up to him. Sean steps [stepped back. “Stay away from me, freak!” Then his girlfriend also raised [stood up] and told him to calm down. As Laura told him this, he felt safer. He stopped walking back and allowed Lucy to touch him. She put her hands over him and then she moved her head close to his ear and she moaned: “Sean, you should remember me. I was always with you, helping you, and now you run away. It’s Laura, she hurts you always and yet you love her. Why don’t you love me?”

Sean was too scared to tell her anything. Lucy looked at him as if trying to see into his soul and then put her hands on his shoulders and mildly dragged him to his friends. She made him sit on the floor near them. “See, she’s friendly!” Laura said. “Yeah, she is. But still creepy.” responded Sean.

<p class="MsoNormal">They stood there a long time, talking to each other as if nothing was ever wrong, actually trying to hide their fear for the girl and the random appearences [appearances] of shadows near the sea. But suddenly, Cody was picked and dragged away by an unseen force. The others rapidly turned their eyes and flashlights to the place where his screams were coming from, but they couldn’t see him. As Sean turned back, he found Lucy in front of him, ready for a kiss. Laura turns her flashlight to Lucy and shouts: “Lucy, that’s not funny! Cody is gone!” Lucy turned to her, studying her with her missing eyes as Laura started to feel a little less fine in Lucy’s presence and then went back.

<p class="MsoNormal">Justin left in a hurry, shouting for Cody while in his search. Brenda rose up and followed him. Now, there are just three people in the circle. Laura is now fully frightened and slowly slides away from Lucy, but then she turns to her. Even eyeless, Lucy’s gaze seemed to enter deep into Laura’s soul, trying to search something that will be used to destroy her. Then Laura screams [screamed]. She gets [got] up and runs [ran], but Lucy throws over her like a wild animal, biting her. [doesn’t make sense]

<p class="MsoNormal">Sean ran for his life, illuminating his path with his blue flashlight. He saw the shadows blocking his way, but he evaded them. He then saw the river of blood, lining the sand. Near the end of the blood trail, he discovered his friends, with only their heads and hands out of the sand, begging for being [to be] saved. Sean lowered [leaned] over Cody, picking [grabbing] his hand. He tried to drag him out, but rather [instead] Cody took Sean down. Then the sand erupted and two thin tentacles in putrefaction grabbed Sean. He tried to break free with all his might, but the tentacles brought [pulled] him into the ground.

<p class="MsoNormal">There, he was [could] no longer seeing anything. Sean felt the sand digging into his ears and his nose. He felt like suffocating. Then suddenly he heard a mumbling voice, unclear, but speaking as if someone was behind him. The voice was giving him an order. Before the end of the sentence, Sean blacked out. He woke up. Sean looked around, trying to discover his location. He seemed to be in a small cave. Upon rising, he observed that his body feels [felt] different. He got out of the cave, still feeling dizzy. It was night. Sean stepped on the calming sand and approached the water. Blue waves were spreading over the sand. A voice attracted him. Someone was calling him. A strong light emerged from Sean’s left. He turned, discovering an older man looking at him. This man became afraid. He trembled. Sean stepped towards him, but he ran away. There was something different at [about] Sean now besides his new appearance [what new appearance]. He felt the need to run too, but after the man. He put his fingers on the ground and, looking after [at] the man who had his foot stuck in the sand, started running like a feral to [after] the poor man. Like a madman he hurled over the man [doesn’t make sense], starting to devour him.

<p class="MsoNormal">And so the hunted became the hunter and he has to thank for this to the peculiar land [has the peculiar land to thank for this]. There are thousands of stories about this place. However, some are true and some are not. She met me at midnight not far from there and told me this true event. I’m now waiting for you to come in here, at the shore near the ocean, beyond the gloomy hill, in the Land Where Fire Never Burns.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Huge improvement over your last story but you need to read a lot more to improve your skill with English.