Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30741304-20161213135509/@comment-31532017-20161216090604

“This show can’t be real” I said in disbelief. (+1 Lack Show Not Tell)

“You never know,” Dave states as he lay on the bed across the room playing a game on his cell phone.

“Ghost Hunters? How in the world can you hunt something that you can’t even see?”

“They have gear and camera’s that are made for this stuff” Dave responds now looking at me with undivided attention. “Motion detectors, light sensors, infrared cameras, and electromagnetic doo-hickeys that help you find them.” He continued.

“Have you ever encountered a spirit or ghost?” I ask Dave hesitantly.

“Yeah, my mom was wiccan. She spoke with the dead very often” he added. “I have seen a spirit before, and I’ve hated mirrors ever since.”

(I furrowed my brow in doubt, but kept watching the show anyways. It is literally the only thing interesting that’s on the TV.) (Tense Swap) There’s not even a good movie on. I checked the time as I yawned finding myself disbelieving in any of the supernatural nonsense. (An Awkward Sentence)

“You know I haven’t heard any radio chatter for us. Didn’t you take some people out for dinner earlier? Shouldn’t they be calling for the ride back by now?” I question(ed) Dave.

“I did, and they said they won’t be done until late. They sounded excited to drink” Dave explained.

“Still I guess I should check in on everybody to make sure we missed a call somehow. – Maintenance to front desk” I called over the radio. No answer.

“It’s a quiet night tonight man we probably won’t get any more calls” (Is the sentence finished or no?)

“— Maintenance to front desk” I repeated. “Is your radio on Dave?”

“Uhhh, yeah” (Same?)

“I don’t hear myself on yours, turn the volume up,” I said. Dave had already begun turning the radio volume up proving it to be louder than I believed it to had been. (Awkward Sentence) I looked at him puzzled, and I turn down the volume of the television as he tries to make a call to the front desk.

“Houseman to front desk” (Same?)

I am not able to hear him on my radio either, but the power light is on. I check my radio channel and it is correct as well. “This is the strangest,” – I (was) interrupted by the sound of the entry door closing. “That was-”

I'm gonna stop here, there were several punctuation errors presented in your story; commas go inside the quotations “Like this,” Not to mention, I noticed multiple tense swap throughout some of the sentences as well.

As for the story itself, it started out as a conversation about a TV show then it turn to radio chit-chat? I don't get it, perhaps that's just me. As for the lack of show not tell, unfortunately you're gonna have to keep practicing to master that.

Overall, there's not much to say. I suggest fixing the grammatical and punctuation errors, then I'll get back to it later.