Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170228192627/@comment-28266772-20170302155728

The breeze brushed against my cheek, [no comma] and forced past my defences [what are these defences?] into my mouth and nose. It started to howl, beginning as a low whisper and twisting into an angry scream across the land '[this is vaguely worded and there’s an element of redundancy. The first clause tells, simply enough, that the wind is picking up but then you describe it in great detail again without adding anything new. Why not just say “The wind started as a low whisper but twisted into an angry scream that howled across the land”.]'. The sun emerged from the clouds, like a killer from the curtain peering out at me'. It baked my skin and bones as I gazed over what used to be a town, but now looked more like a desert [do you mean it’s being buried by a desert? Or it’s under the sand?]'. Sand blew into my bloodshot eyes as I looked up at the sky. It was bright and radiant [bright and radiant are pretty much the same word], and it hurt to look at. I looked back down to the sand. I start [started] to walk, and my feet hurt against the hot sand with every step. '[again, clumsy wording. Just say “every step against the hot sand hurt”. Don’t have multiple clauses that say the same thing; avoid redundancy]'

''Pit pat. Pit pat.''

The wind was like a banshee now, unloading into my ears and around my body. I place my bloodied feet onto the sand once more. [Does this passage tell us anything new?]

''Pit pat. Pit pat.'' [<-I like this]

I stop [stopped] and rest [rested] onto [on my] my knees, and dust blew along my shirt and under my skin '[If this guy has sand under his skin then he has serious fucking problems. You need to think about what your word choices actually mean because in this instance they’ve slipped into nonsense]'. I saw an old playground, it's [its] paint bleached and burned. Only one part of it was completely uncovered, a small swing set. On it was a man, no a boy. He must of [have] been no more than 12 [twelve].

“Pretty ain’t it?”

He asked while staring out into the city [It was a town earlier, but now it’s a city?]. I got upon [up onto]my shaking legs and stood [redundant; ‘and stood’ adds nothing new] as the wind smashed into me, delivering gust after gust [same with ‘delivering gust after gust’]. He sighed.

“Did you hear me, or are you ignoring me?”

His voice sounded sweet, yet brittle. Listening made my bones ache, and my skin feel [felt] like nails were being driven into them. He let his feet off the sand and let [repetition; let] the swing slowly go back and forth. Back and forth.

''Creek. Crick. Creek. Crick.''

I walked forward, [no comma] listening to the chorus of the gods.

''Pit. Creek. Pat. Crick. Pit. Creek. Pat.''

My hands shot forwards, the blood in them boiling [this isn’t clear; what’s happening?]. I stepped forwards again, letting my skin shrivel under the light. And he looked at me. His eyes were a deep red, and throbbed when I stared deep into them. There was a deep black skin around them, littered with sand and residue. He set his unscuffed feet on the ground, abruptly stopping the creaking. '[be careful with tenses; ‘abruptly stopping the creaking’ reads a little awkwardly. ‘and abruptly stopped the creaking’ is a clearer way to denote the sequence of events]'

Cree-

We stood there eye to eye. The wind engulfed us, and the sun ripped through my cracked lips.

“It’s a real beauty.”

I grunted, my eyes unwavering. His dark lips curved into a grin. It made me want to retch. His lips again parted.

<p class="MsoNormal">“What’s your name?”

<p class="MsoNormal">I trembled now, nervous and scared. My gaze broke his, and his eyes burned into the back of my head. I fell again, to one knee and winced. I looked up and again met his cold, dead gaze.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I don’t know.”

<p class="MsoNormal">I managed to blurt, and some blood spit [spat] out. Some fell into the sandy sea, but most of it blew right back into my face. The wind stopped, puttering out to a low whine before fading into nothing. I winced again, feeling a sharp pain in my gut, and I looked to see more blood coating it. When I looked up he was gone, and I wearily stood up. I trampled onward listening to my feet once more.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Pit pat. Pit pat.''

<p class="MsoNormal">I looked back after a while, seeing the long dried bones of a boy sitting on the swingset.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pit.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – I think there’s a few. I think I caught them all but it wouldn’t hurt for you to proof read it again. For what it’s worth the number of errors felt close to average for a first or second draft, it wasn’t like a disaster or anything. Everyone makes the odd mistake.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – this was the biggest problem. You showed a clear effort to spice up your vocabulary and use interesting imagery with similes, metaphors and unique phrases. Your big mistake was that you often wrote passages that contributed nothing to the sequence of events, and at times your wording was clumsy. There’s no need to write “I rose up onto my feet and stood up” because “rose up onto my feet” and “stood up” are basically the same thing. You need to be more efficient and put each word to better use. Don’t ever use two words when one will do just fine.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – well I kinda liked the overall thing you were aiming for. It wasn’t clear and there wasn’t enough meat on the bones to do anything with, really, but still I liked it. I think a bit of world building could improve it and you should draw on more sensory experiences to create a more cohesive atmosphere and sense of place (taste, smell, hearing, feeling etc.). You don’t have to explain where this guy is or where he’s from but instead of saying “I saw a playground” you could say something like “the merry-go-round slowly rotated in the wind while a half-buried slide lay next to it.” Similarly this guy is trekking across the desert. Is he thirsty? Hungry? Has his skin blistered? How has that reacted to the friction of clothing? How have his muscles reacted to constant exertion? Is he lonely? Is he ready to die, or scared and resistant? Is he delirious? Sleepy? How far has he come? Is he lost? Close to his destination or utterly hopeless? How has the sand collected in his throat and nose? What is he wearing to deal with the weather?

<p class="MsoNormal">There’s a lot of the human experience to pick up to ‘world build’, along with fleeting descriptions of the buildings and their nature. Are they blasted, modern, old, rural or urban? Are they white and built for the desert or has the desert come out of nowhere and claimed them? Are they ancient ruins the man is unfamiliar with? Or does he know what this place is, and just doesn’t mention it? Like I said you don’t have to lay the world out on a plate like some of Game of Thrones-esque monster, but simple and little details will help immerse your reader into the world and make it stand out.

<p class="MsoNormal">As it is you basically say “It’s really hot and the wind is fierce” thirty times while he bumps into a ghost.