Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26534092-20150626215128/@comment-26007602-20150627182720

Alright, so first off, make sure you're in source mode when you edit stories here, otherwise it screws up your formatting like it did here. This story is riddled with spelling errors and missing spaces after punctuation; you need to proofread this and your other stories if you want them to be accepted here.

The story itself is far too underdeveloped and moves too quickly between events. These kids are at football practice, there coach tells them to go shower (Really? No one on their team showers naked?  Are they afraid they'll see each others' genitals?  Are there really football teams that refuse to shower naked?), and they see their coach hanging, apparently because some demon killed him. The fact that the protagonist says he hasn't told anyone about this is ridiculous. He didn't tell his parents or friends that he saw his dead, hanging coach? Ridiculous.

You're telling me that this dude's wife was in the locker room with one of the varsity players? If you're implying they had a sexual relationship, then that's fairly ridiculous. These kids are at most nineteen, right? You're telling me that this lady got involved with the quarterback without her husband noticing? It's just not believable. "My friend Dylan Thomas(sic) our new Quarterback told us "coach told us never to talk about that ever"." Bullshit. Coach would have been caught and sent to prison.

The demon voice comes out of nowhere. There's no implication that it exists prior to its appearance, nor is there any build up to its arrival. It comes out of nowhere and leads the kids to a magical storage room for dead bodies. There are multiple issues here. How do these kids just find a hammer in the coach's office and use it to break through the floor? How is there a hidden room full of dead player's bodies? How did no one notice all these missing kids? The fact that only half the team quits is laughable. These kids stumbled on a secret murder room and only half of them thought it was a good idea to quit the team? Really?

If you plan on revising the story, I strongly urge you to read some more stories on this site to get a better sense of is accepted and successful on this site.