Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24130682-20150326162314/@comment-26007602-20150331005402

Alright, the first thing I would do would be to split up the paragraphs a bit more. They're currently far too large (especially the last and second to last) and difficult to read. The second thing I'd do is run this through Word or another word processer and try and catch the rest of the tiny grammatical mistakes. I didn't see too many and the story is written well enough. On to story details.

The opening is pretty weak. Numerous pastas use this kind of "I'll start at the beginning, I need to talk about what happened"-ish opening. I'd change it and give it some kind of hook to draw the reader in.

I don't hate the beginning, you set the scene and introduce the monster early, but maybe a bit too early. The main issue I have here is that you tell us everything about how out protagonist is feeling instead of showing us. You tell us how scared our protagonist is, but then he somehow forgets halfway through the day? I don't know... I also must note the repteyive sentence structure, "I did, I saw, I feel..." Etc. you should definitely vary these abut more.

The description of the creature, or lack thereof, doesn't make much sense. If this is all a flashback, then why not describe the creature now? There's no reason to say, "I don't remember" but then remember later on in the story itself.

I'd have to say it's generally not a good idea to arm your characters when facing off against a monster. Plus, these are all high school kids, can they really all just grab a weapon and meet up?

I kind of liked the idea of the creature carrying around a sack of victims, just because it seems more unique than having him eat them or something. The tension of our protagonist hiding from the creature is broken however, because we know he lives, as he's telling us the story.

I'd have to say that our protagonist just instantly falling I got the quarry is off putting. He should probably skulk around a bit more before being instantly separated.

The ending feels rather abrupt and is fairly bland; it's been done before. "I only remember..." I also question how no one discovered the link between our protagonist and his friends disappearances. Plus, if his friends are gone, who is he referring to at the beginning of the story? I thought he never told anyone until now...?

Overall, I don't think this story really stands out from the rest of the creature stories, but it'd probably survive on the main site if you fixed the paragraphs, grammar, and beginning. If you want to give it that extra bit of horror effect, I'd definitely expand on it, as I think there's definitely room for it. Best of luck!