Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26135722-20150222155352/@comment-26007602-20150222173140

Shadowswimmer beat me to it.

Additionally, this is far too Jeff the Killeresque. Boy is bullied, boy exacts revenge on his bullies (after being physically deformed in some way) and then boy goes out to terrorize the world. It's not original, nor is it interesting to read. There's no tension here, nothing to unnerve the reader other than the thought of a creepy little kid, which has been done so many times, you'd need to put a new spin on it to make it creepy.

Also, don't give your character a catchphrase. "Don't look in my bag" is not unsettling, nor is it necessary. It's quite laughable to be honest. It also puts your story further into Jeff territory, which is something you don't want to do.

Black eyes and crying blood is also an overused cliche. Remember that in your next story, as I don't recommend keeping this one, as it is too cliched to be salvagable.

The dialogue between characters is frankly awful. These people don't talk like human beings. There's no conversational flow to it; read it out loud to see what I mean.

One final thought: this story is far too repetitive. As Shadowswimmer said, there's no actual story here. You can get away with that at times (rarely) if the passages are unique and interesting to read. These are neither; it's the same event over and over again.

Final final thought: never base a story solely around your character. It seems as though you had an idea for a spooky shadow kid and then you built a story around him. You can't do that; you need an idea for a story and then throw the monster in. The monster should rarely be the main focus of the story. Stories such as The Rake are so enticing because the main focus isn't on the monster; it's on the people it terrorizes. We can emphasize with people and feel scared, but not with little demon kids with a bag.

Hope this helps.