Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25095856-20140630121348/@comment-9967354-20140701141527

There were too many errors here. Enough to qualify for immediate deletion, I dare say. And the sentences are disjoint. Bit of a pun on that word, actually. Because they were quite actually randomly breaking into paragraphs. And because every sentence struck me as abrupt. There was no real flow to this story. Just a series of events that randomly happened to the random character who was quite obviously destined to die horribly. The plot was a bit of a mess.

Also what MonochromeSaya said. The Tapes were completely redundant. Quite frankly, it seemed like you just had to stuff in tapes somewhere. Terribly sorry to break your bubble -tapes aren't scary. Unless they're exceptionally written. All I see here is ''demon shows up at around _ time. Kills people horribly''. Pretty bland.

Let's go back to the beginning. So you go to Romania and chill at the seashore. Wait, you just moved to Romania and rather than checking in to a hotel first, you go to the beach, and then go all the way back? And considering the fact that you've just moved into Romania, your home must be in another city. Was this really that important? Couldn't you have asked somebody else to send it to you by parcel? You see, this id where the reader starts building an impression of the narrator. At this point, I, as a reader, don't think highly of him.

and then a skeleton popped out.

It's really that abrupt. Oh I heard this story about a ghost but passed it off as an old pony's tale and then the ghost haunted me because of this. That's the rest of the story summed up. Somehow you've managed to extend this (mostly by random line breaks which make reading an ordeal) into a story. There is virtually no build-up.

Also. If you must post this story here, you have to re-write it. And if you re-wrote it, cut out the tapes entirely. There is no parallel dimension in which you pull this off.