Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20181103154047/@comment-9041013-20181103180606

Well it's not bad, but it's not NFSW at all. First, I suggest you portray the characters as naked and go into the length of detailing their bodies in full detail, probably best if you went around using organ names though.

Also, the revalation should be more graphic if you're going for the NFSW, maybe you could have her starting to open him up after putting him to sleep as a closing sequence, add some gory details.

Something along the lines of;

"He was cut off by the appearance of light in a previously dark part of the room. Jack's jaw dropped when he saw a naked man standing in the newly lit part of the room, humping something. Soft whimpers filled Jacks ears before he could react further.

A child's whimpers.

''"Him", the word echoed inside Jack's mind, but he ignored it, focusing on the abomination in front of him. The sound of whimpering grew louder sending Jack deeper into shock and disgust. The naked man must've noticed Jack's staring as its head turned three hundred sixty degrees, to face Jack producing a disgusting cracking sound from his twisting neck. The sight of one's head turning all the way back combined with a pale white mask with a macabre monstrous smile and demonic eyes drawn on it made Jack almost throw up his food. He could feel every last bit of it making its way upwards towards his mouth.''

''"Ignore him, he's taunting you." The voice inside Jack's implored.''

''The man would have none of it, mostly because once the monster turned its head back to its natural position the whimpering got stronger. This whole time, the monster wouldn't stop humping whatever was in front of it.''

The notion of this monster raping a child sent Jack into a fury, he grabbed the thick beer mug he had drunk from and marched towards the monster who paid no mind to his obvious marching, preferring to keep on abusing its victim.

''A step away from the monster, Jack lifted the mug above his head and swung it down towards the beast. Nailing it squarely at the top of the dome. "Son of a bitch!" he yelled out as he struck the creature.''

''The demon simply froze in his place, prompting Jack to smash the mug over and over again over its head until the mug broke into tiny pieces of glass. The beast contorted an arm backward, producing that same disturbing popping sound as before to grab Jack's neck. The abomination started lifting Jack's body off the floor before turning its torso toward him awkwardly without moving his legs from their position.''

''Jack struggled to remove the beast's grip on his neck, but it was too powerful. The beast shrieked at a wiggling Jack before throwing him aside. The monster then turned the rest of its body towards Jack displaying a massive erection and started running towards the man.''

''"Run!" yelled out the voice in Jack's head. He was too deprived of oxygen to react quickly even though his life depended on it.''

''The beast caught up to Jack as he was staggering to his feet and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt throwing him once more across the room. Jack landed hard on his back. "Fuck.", he let out in desperation. Turning onto his side he noticed something that drove him nuts, a childlike doll laid on the floor.''

''"Run! Run! Run! Run!" the voice in Jack's head screamed at him. He got back to his feet and began running towards the exit of the room. The beast had caught up to him, however, grabbing him by the neck once more. This time, Jack managed to land a solid kick on the crown jewels of the beast sending it shrieking and stumbling backward while he made his escape from its clutches.''"

^ that's more of an NSFW material.

Other than that, the story is pretty good, my bet is it'd pass the QS as it is, but you want it to be NSFW... so...