Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26828003-20160331004238/@comment-26828003-20160401002131

Derpyspaghetti wrote: Well, in some places it's hard to make the connection that a black drug dealer is a shadow.

There are some jumps from past to present tense, especially in the ending which make it uncomfortable to read.

Plot ideas to make it make a bit more sense: Do any of Jack's friends see the guy?

Does Jack only see his friend after taking the drugs?

Jack seems to be talking in a way not typical of a 4 year old, but more like a 7 or 8 year old.

It said that neither roger nor jack were aware of jack's symptoms, and yet roger takes him to the docter. Possibly amend that?

From what I've seen about cocaine in the media, I don't think it smells. And from snorting pepper trying to make myself sneeze, I know that it hurts.

Even though Jack has 3 siblings, there is no mention of them in this story. I'm sure that with four other people in the house they would play some part in the story. Plus, if you include them, it gives the house in the story a much less empty feel.

One last piece of advice:

Read the quality standards and compare your pasta to them, or get a friend to do that for you. (preferably friend, as they are more objective when it comes to pasta writing)

I'll make sure to follow your advice above. Once again, thank you!