Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36957522-20180927160401/@comment-9041013-20180928095416

I hate doing this, but I had to stop after a couple of paragraphs. The English is just gfdfjghjkdfhgj

First, if their Legal names are Lyra, Autumn and Jacob River their last name should be capitalized, and second, you shouldn't repeat their last name every time you mention them. Once is good enough.

Second, whenever a new person speaks you switch into a new paragraph

Spelling and grammatical issues are all over this thing from the beginning, get a spell checker online, there a bunch like Grammarly and ProWritingAid...

Plotwise, from the comments I gather this is a case of a "psychopaths who becomes such due to trauma" That's not how it works. Look at Henry Bowers from It, he is a bully, he doesn't care about his gang, he wants to hurt people and he doesn't care. That's a gross representation of a teenager with the proper conditioning to be a violent psychopath. Sure, his dad might be abusive but then again, you have extreme cases such as Ted Bundy. Psychopaths appear to be very charming, intelligent and charismatic due to their high capability to lie and manipulate, as they lack a conscience and get off to commiting things that aren't right.

If you want to go for something more supernatural, go for the Michael Myers model, Originally The Shape was a man who is simply pure evil. There is nothing to him but a will to kill and destroy. He randomly as a six year old murders his sister. There is no reason behind this. There is nothing to explain it. He then stops talking and acts as an almost model patient in a Psych ward until escape when he's twenty one and again starting his murderous quest to end his family and anyone else who gets unlucky enough to get in his way. The exclamation point on him being a being of pure evil is when at the beginning of the first Halloween film he gets shot in a way that would kill pretty much anyone, and disappears afterwards.

This needs a LOT of work, so good luck.