Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25569708-20161210024323/@comment-26525489-20161215190851

Hey, I have a few things I wanted to add to the two previous reviews but, due to being on my phone, I can't copy and paste the story to work in word. Hopefully, I can still convey my thoughts clearly.

Though not necessary, it might be nice to elaborate a bit on the phone call with Triple A. Why is the truck taking so long? If they're really only 10 miles outside of town, it doesn't seem like it would take all that long for a truck to get there. Of course, the entire sewage system is backed up due to the events of Lamprey Spider, so there is plenty of reason for it to be late. It could be as simple as mentioning that the trucks are delayed, but I just didn't buy that an adult waiting for a tow truck would walk a way down the highway to start a mini-golf game when a tow truck isn't going to take an exceptionally long time.

There should be a new paragraph between when Brian says "this is shit" and Sarah responds "I like it"

When describing the statues you say that some had colorless mouths then in the next paragraph say all their faces are exactly the same and have red mouths. It's a small inconsistency, but something you might want to account for.

You frequently use the terms grass and track to refer to the course. This might be an exclusively American English term, but we also call the holes "greens" occasionally. For example, "she hit her ball so hard it flew of the green and somewhere into the field beyond." When you say "grass" I'm sometimes unsure if you're talking about the actual course or grass between the holes. Maybe also using the term "green" could help clarify on different occasions? Please disregard this comment if I'm just misunderstanding because of my American English!

Overall, I really liked this story! It's different from the others and the visual I got of the course in my head makes me shiver! Really great! I know you're still short a few paragraphs at the end, but I did get a bit of a Rape-y vibe as well. I also assumed that, based on the facial description you gave of Tyler and Brian becoming stiff, that they were becoming statues themselves! I'm curious to know the finished ending!

Thanks for sharing your work with us!