Talk:Brú na Bóinne/@comment-31077845-20170228110107

Clearly fairly solidly written, although I don't know if it was just me or if it was how everything was described or the dialogue itself or maybe it was just everyone having similarly unremarkable names but I sometimes had trouble discerning who was talking and what was going on. Again, that could've been me.

Another thing that maybe just didn't make sense to me: Charles, yes, says Michael has been a tour guide for years. I suppose it's possible someone just told him that and Michael hasn't, but if that information is accurate, then...well first off I'm assuming Michael is responsible for the, uh, happenings ("Man, this tour sucks. Horrifying apparitions never slither out of the walls to kill us all when Martha runs it...") and if such is the case does he kill all his tour groups, or only that specific one? If so then why did this Michael fellow decide to do it now? I'm not sure if everyone dies or if just a few don't make it, but either way either everyone disappears in which case "Uh, my tour group?...Maybe they got eaten by a pack of bears while I wasn't looking?" probably wouldn't go over too well or everyone else would head back to the visitor's center and say "Yes sorry to bother you, but I'd like to lodge a complaint: your tour guide summoned the angry spirits of the long dead to murder our entire group and I just have to say I think it's highly inappropriate to have paranormal entities assault your guests. That's all", so even if it did happen only that time he'd basically never be able to go back because he'd be tied to the disappearance of a whole group of people, so even it happening once would be a little odd logically.

And now that I mention it the section around when they get on the bus is a little confusing to me. Earlier it suggests both expected to see Martha and are a bit taken aback for her to not be there, but then suddenly when they're on the bus Charles seems to be able to explain the whole thing. How did he learn all this between when they started walking and when they got on the bus? There was no mention of a bus driver and the bus was cold, which would mean I doubt there would've been a driver or other passengers sitting in there (So did Michael drive the bus?) to give him that information, and even if that was the case and someone somehow told Charles, why would robert ask him and expect him to know?

I think it would almost be better for them to ask Michael what's going on. That would actually almost fix every issue above and lend some extra creepiness. First off, and this is what I thought was going on at first, it would bring up the thought that "Oh, she's not feeling well" is kind of a vague excuse, so did he do something? Did the dirt on his hands suggest he killed, or worse, DIDN'T kill then buried her? Is he lying about being a tour guide and is actually one of the dead? As I said, I thought maybe that's what was being pointed at, but he was sitting around the visitor's center and drinking tea like a normal person, and if Charles learns from a source that isn't Michael (maybe he...had a cell phone and called her?) it would have to mean not only was Martha actually just not feeling well, but that Michael would have to be notified somehow, meaning he'd have to be a real regular person. Plus of course if there was a bus driver that would complicate the story, and if there wasn't that would mean Michael had to have keys and know how to drive a bus, which would be further evidence he had to be a living person, but then...

Ok, I'll stop, my point is that there are a lot of logical inconsistencies that aren't really explained. Now I feel like I'm almost certainly a tough critic in that regard because I almost always find myself being the only one pointing this kind of stuff out, but as usual I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, I'm mainly pointing it out because I think with a few simple changes most could be explained and I think would enhance the story. Maybe Michael is the only one who doesn't drink tea, he gives them the information instead of Charles, and they utilize some method of transportation that doesn't require a driver, along with a few minor changes to descriptions/dialogue to make Michael seem a little more mysterious and less familiar. Then you could go with the "He's dead and not really a tour guide and maybe did something to Martha" angle, and it would make everyone disappearing easier to handle because he himself could basically just disappear afterwards. Heck, maybe at the end he could say "We should never have been disturbed" to kinda explain everything to those who are confused.

I guess that's all, aside from that sites where god only knows what occurred so long ago we can only find trace evidence and dead people and speculate are already kinda creepy places, so the location and idea for the story is definitely good, and the writing and the dialogue itself were, as I said, solid. Honestly the only one of the above I found particularly glaring was Charles suddenly switching from confused to being able to explain the whole situation without any real explanation as to how. It was good overall though.