Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31608989-20170327015246/@comment-24101790-20170327020249

There are quite a lot of mechanical (punctuation and wording issues) and story issues (see below).

Punctuation: "She first showed up as an easter egg when you changed a certain file in the game(apostrophe missing)s folder", "Your computer will then show the screen from the webpage if you entered the code to see Fun Girl in the characters page", " Unlike the characters page, it doesn’t just disappear into static before turning black, you can make out that Fun Girl(')s image is becoming larger and larger", etc.

Wording: "If you were to change the “reserved” slot for students to Osana, and started the debug program, the school would then change to a dark and empty school and Fun Girl will spawn in the middle of the school." You use 'and' three separate times in a single sentence that feels like it should bee broken up. The redundancy continues on the next line: "She’ll then chase you down until she catches you, going through any obstacle in her path and give you a message, scorning you for trying to see Osana before she is ready and then ends the program."

Story issues: "The easter egg is loosely based off of the hit game, Undertale. Yandere-Dev then decided to make another easter egg with her with developing the first rival Osana Najimi." How exactly does the easter egg share the similarities to Undertale? Explanation is key to making your story effective here and there really isn't a lot here.

Story issues cont.: "You will then hear a voice coming from behind you saying, “You just couldn’t wait, could you?”" How exactly is this possible? I ask this because later: "When the screen goes black, Fun Girl will then appear behind you, glitching you into the program." it seems extremely out-of-place. First off, it seems like the verb 'glitching' isn't quite understood. Players can't be glitched into a game. How exactly is this knowledge known by the way? I'm sorry but this really doesn't feel effectively told. There isn't much of a narrative here and the premise feels like a real suspension of disbelief that doesn't really pay off.