Talk:I am Awoken/@comment-9801519-20130914150521

This story has a nice atmosphere. The methodic repetition doesn't grow old, and it really illustrates the madness of the main character. However, your pasta is also painful to read in some ways. Your sentences are very choppy, with many of them being incomplete. You probably did this for effect, but you did this too frequently.

Furthermore, there were times when you tried to write poetically, but instead drew away from the story's impingement. One such example is "The wilting light of a darkened Moon attempts to illuminate the night silence." Wilting is the wrong word here, especially considering that the moon wanes. The other problem with this sentence is that silence pertains to sound, not light; how brightly the moon shines has nothing to do with the quiet of the night.

Lastly, the ending was too sudden and predictable. Anyone who reads the first few paragraphs of this pasta knows the mother and daughter will die. The problem is that you did not even entertain their deaths. The father just woke up and saw his wife murdered. Judging by the context, I'd say the main character killed both her and the baby, but you could have added some details which make the father realize he is the killer. His reaction would be entirely up to you, but it would make for a better read.

Overall, I have to give this a 6.5. It was good, but it wasn't great.