Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26285493-20150526213549/@comment-25037895-20150529000832

First of all (the most defining characteristic of the story), "HalfLife2w1h6y3d0i7d" The very name of the game and the taking out the numbers making "why did", is a feeble attempt at foreshadowing without using any storyline events besides the name of a folder. This can be seen as simply contrived, and it seems as though an "impending doom" cliché.

Secondly, there seems a lot of exposition (describing how the narrator is feeling, and what is going on) when there doesn't need to be, sometimes four or more sentences are used while I can basically guess what's going to happen next, when this happens more than once, it definitely falls flat.

It's also unclear why the character wants to talk to this entity over the computer, given that the messages are ominous and intimidating, even. The repeated messages of the same words, at times, make the story hard to read. The two events are connected because, somehow, his friend knows of the previous event with his family. This is not explained well, and still does not make sense how is friend accessed the game to hack it. At times, the story is over-explained and drags on, and other times, it's missing context that would help the story greatly.