Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28754051-20160615072326

This is my first attempt at writing anything of actual substance. I've done jokey, 2 page things, but I just finished up this little 14-page story. I'm not sure if anybody actually wants to read through the entirety of it, so I think I'll just post the first half for now. I'm looking for anything really: general notes, specifics, what doesn't work. Positive is good so that I can try to expand on it, but negative is incredibly valueable. So, here's the first half of my little pasta tennatively called "White Noise."

3/10/14

 It’s hard for me to sleep sometimes. Well, I imagine it’s hard for everybody to sleep sometimes, but I think it’s harder for me than a lot of people. My family, my friends, my co-workers, a couple of doctors all tell me that I’m suffering from insomnia. This doesn’t make me feel any better. I know it has a name, a couple probable causes (I’m banking on stress-fueled depression), and some solutions of varying degrees of severity. All of this bountiful knowledge, however, doesn’t make the actual suffering any better. You could sit through a fantastically well-presented seminar on the history of influenza, but that doesn’t make you feel any better when you’re at home with the flu. What does make you feel better? Tea, orange juice, NyQuil; things that make you think you should be feeling better.

This journal is supposed to be my NyQuil. I’ve already thrown some money at doctors in some small hope they might be able to solve this issue of mine. They tried selling me on some pills, but none of them are covered by my current insurance plan and cost as much as my rent every month. One alternative that was presented to me was to start keeping a journal and write in it whenever I have a hard time sleeping, kind of a way to put my thoughts to bed so that the rest of me can follow. It makes a good amount of sense if you think about it. Problem is, I don’t know if I buy it; and the funny thing about medicine is that no matter how legit the science is, if you don’t believe it’ll work there’s a good chance that it won’t. But I don’t really have any other choices, so here I am. I’m going to try some chamomile tea to get me to sleep, wish me luck.

 3/14/14

 Is there any irony that I work at a coffee shop and have sleep issues? There must be something in there somewhere. Maybe having somebody share my bed would help. More than that would be better, but baby steps, right? It’s hard to imagine anybody wanting to jump on to this hot mess the way I am right now though. Where could we go for our first date I wonder, maybe coffee shop across the street? It’s probably better not to dwell on this too terribly much lest I add to my laundry list of inadequacies. I’m going to try some warm milk to get to bed.

 3/16/14

 Why the hell is it so damn hot at night lately?! Heat may not be the root cause of my issues, but it’s definitely a factor. I’m getting an air conditioner tomorrow; gonna crank the temp down so that I’m not drenched in sweat at all hours of the night. Tonight I’m going to try a sleep track on my phone.

 3/27/14

 It’s been a while since I’ve actually had to write anything, which is very good news. The air conditioner helped my problems immensely. The cold air was refreshing; I liked that my feet were a little chilly, but I don’t think that’s what actually “fixed” me. The first night, I got into bed at 10:00 like I do every night, but instead of lying uncomfortably for hours before getting up to try writing and another home remedy, I fell asleep immediately and restfully. There’s just something about the gentle hum of the fan that puts me straight out. I’ve already been doing better at work, I may not be up for barista of the year, but my concentration has improved along with my memory and I’m able to get through the lines quicker. Things are certainly looking up, all thanks to the slow hum of the air conditioner. No remedy tonight.

4/13/14

I figured out why the air conditioner helps me sleep! I remember when I was a kid we lived in a smallish house that didn’t have a very good heating or cooling system. To compensate and keep everything cool during the hot summer months, my dad installed a GIGANTIC fan in the hallway that would pull air from the house and out through the roof. That fan also made noise proportional to its size so that over time, I must’ve subconsciously associated the fan noise with sleepy times. My little air conditioner scratched that long forgotten itch for me and put me out.

I’ve been good for what…about a month now? Lately there’s just been something…off. Just my mind playing tricks on me, but it’s gotten me back here to write. I actually feel kind of tired just after getting this all down, I should be fine without any remedies tonight.

4/27/14

There’s a girl who keeps coming around every day at work that I think might be interested in me. Her name is Laura, unless the name on her cup is some Vegas-style ploy to retain anonymity. She’s very warm and always smiles at me. I was sick a day last week and she asked me how I was when I got back, she does a lot of subtle little things like that. I thought most of it just me reading too much in to the situation, but the other day she asked if I had any plans with my girlfriend. When I told her I didn’t have anybody like that in my life, she smiled and told said “that’s too bad, you seem like a great guy.” I’m not good at reading women, but I think that’s a good sign.

On a more sour note, I think I may have a mild form of tinnitus. Sometimes I hear noises at night that aren’t there. I looked it up on the internet and tinnitus seems like the most likely cause. It’s more common in people with depression and can manifest itself in forms other than just ringing. It’s really hard to describe, but sometimes there are just…well noises at night that I know aren’t real.

I’m having trouble sleeping tonight, but it’s not my normal problem, I’m just excited. I’m going to ask Laura out tomorrow if I see her. For now, I’m going to watch some re-runs of “How it’s Made” to try to tire myself out a bit.

5/2/14

Had a date with Laura, she’s a lot of fun! She’s a biology student about to start her master’s program. Kind of makes my AA in English seem a lot more insignificant than it already was. Sure, I can tell her when to use a semi-colon, but she is just full of so much more interesting information. We got pizza at this small little place downtown and hung around the bar for hours. It’s funny, she’s the beer drinker and I’m the wine guy. We both love a drink every once in a while but for completely different reasons. I think I like the tradition more than anything else, comparing the differences between a good Cabernet and Pinot Noir by discussing bouquet, body, legs and so forth. Laura likes her beer in a large part because of the “reverence she has for industrious microbes” as she put it. I tried a little of the beer she was enjoying at her insistence and it did open my eyes a bit. For the longest time I thought that beer was either Budweiser, Guinness, or some horribly bitter “IPA,” but the “Belgian Wit” tasted much better than any of those.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">We had a really good time and made plans for a second date, with her still planning buy coffee from me daily. I know you’re supposed to wait 3 days or something to even call the person after the first date, but I don’t think I’m going to mind seeing her again so soon.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">It’s been getting warmer so the air conditioner is running pretty much nonstop now. My self-diagnosed tinnitus has been incessant too. I don’t really hear it during the day, but it's very

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">persistent when I sleep. I do wish it were just a simple ringing, that would be so much easier to deal with. I’m tired enough for now though, I think I can get some sleep without it bugging me too much.

<p align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom:0in">5/16/14

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">Things have been going fantastic with Laura, we really have a lot of fun together, and I spent the night there last week once. However, there have been some problems I’ve been dealing with myself recently. Whenever I'm with her, things are fine but when I'm by myself things are a little different.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in"> I’m going to get right down to it. I haven’t been able to sleep lately and it is because…I think I’m hearing voices. I sound absolutely insane just writing that down like some kind of confession. I know it sounds deranged, but I’m not sure how else to put it. It’s not like some deep, Barry White voice that tells me to kill my parents and burn down orphanages or anything. I’m not being told to kill myself or any other stereotypical thing you’re supposed to hear fake voices in your head tell you to do. The voices are… somehow coming out of the white noise made by my air conditioner. Nothing is talking to me, but I can hear…well, something. It sounds like somebody took an audio sample of a loaded cafeteria and then turned the volume all the way off before up just a click. It’s a periphery cacophony, if that makes any sense. It’s white noise, but at the same time, it’s not. You can just BARELY discern that there are patterns in the noise, language, but you can’t make any of it out.

This has been going on for a while now. At first I thought it was just something I left on, maybe some banner ad on my computer that deiced to start up. When I sat up in bed though, the sound was gone. I laid back down to sleep and just as I was getting comfy, I started hearing the noise again, I was sure of it. I got all the way out of bed this time, double checked that everything in the apartment was off before trying to sleep again. The noises keep coming back. Sometimes it sounds like a random gathering of people, dozens of them. Other times it sounds like only two or three are having a private conversation. Yesterday I thought I heard a song. A song that was familiar to me, something that I wanted to listen to, something that I liked, but I just couldn’t hear it well enough. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to know what it was so that I could get it out of my head. I wanted to know what it was so damn badly, but there wasn’t a song or music or anything. There was only me looking sleepily at the air conditioner. Going to try Dramamine and a turkey sandwich tonight.

<p align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom:0in">6/4/12

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">My chronic insomnia is back. The voices seem like they’re always there and It’s worse when I close my eyes. It feels like somebody is talking about me just in the other room and I can’t stand it! Laura has noticed I’ve been sleeping worse than when we first starting seeing each other about a month ago and she voiced concerns it somehow being her fault; she’s sweet like that. I told her I really valued her and it was not in any way because of something she did. I think it made her feel a little better, but she didn’t seem to be entirely relieved. I haven’t told her the reason I’ve been awake of late, after all what would she do if she learned that her new boyfriend was defective out of the box? For now, I think it better that I keep this to myself.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">I’ve tried speaking back a couple times to the voices, but they don’t seem to change their volume or pause or acknowledge by protests in any way. It’s very annoying to say the least. Then there’s that song in the noise, I know I’ve heard it but I just can’t remember it. I’ve tried searching for hours on end on the internet for something that sounds similar, but nothing compared. I wish I could hear it clearly enough that I could replicate it, to create some evidence for it, but nobody else can hear it but me. I just need something to present to Laura before I told her what I’m going through right now so that she wouldn’t think I was completely insane. Fuck, I think I’m insane, how do I convince her of something I don’t believe myself? I just need that proof!

<p align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom:0in">6/11/14

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">I removed the air conditioner and drove it down to my parent’s house yesterday after work. They live nearby and have enough junk in the garage that they won’t mind losing an extra two cubic feet. It’s going to be hot at home, but maybe it’ll quiet down the noise just a little bit so that I don’t scare Laura away. The device that served as my security blanket was driving me crazier than I already was. Even though it’s gone though, sometimes I still think I can hear that siren song and I just want to listen to those familiar melodies that only exist in my head a little more intently. Maybe I AM over the edge.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in"> I’m going to try watching the weather channel to fall asleep tonight.

<p align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom:0in">6/19/14

<p style="margin-bottom:0in"> I’m hearing it everywhere now: the whispers, the conversations, but most of all, the music. It’s in all white noise. I hear it when I make some asshole’s latte when I steam the milk. I hear it from the hum of my computer. I hear it in car engines. I hear it on the wind when there’s nothing else around me.

It’s the music that gets to me the most still. It sounds like ba-lala-ba-dum-lala or at least I think it does. This is not a good medium to rely the way something sounds. I know it makes a sound, but how do I show it? I don’t know what it sounds like, just that it sounds. I don’t think anybody knows what it actually means; nobody can write those notes down. It doesn’t start with a D flat, I can tell you that! But I’m not sure what it does start with. I am only sure that it DOES and IS. But you can't see it.

I haven’t talked to Laura in a while; she can’t see me like this. I want this to stop. I can’t function like this anymore, but at the same time, part of me wants and needs to know where the voices are coming from. I’m afraid that is the part of me that will end up destroying the rest of me. I’m…I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. This needs to end, I don’t care how much those pills cost, and this has to stop. I need to sleep. Maybe I’ve just been awake for too long. I’m going to try ginseng tea and honey. If that doesn’t work then cough syrup and vodka. I need to sleep.

<p align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom:0in">6/20/14

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">I didn’t make it to the doctor’s or to work today, but I'm close to finally getting a good listen to that music! Last night, just before I fell asleep one of the voices came to me in the dark of my room. I couldn't move my body but I wasn't afraid. The voice belonged to some kind of shadow, it was tall, stretching to the ceiling in the corner opposite my bed and vaguely humanoid. The thing, I think it was male, spoke to me. It was still a whisper but when I concentrated on it I was able to understand the words. It told me that only certain people could hear the conversations and music, that I was somehow special. However, he told me that I should have been able to hear everything easily, that me being unable to understand everything was a definite short coming. There was good news though; I could prove myself worthy through appropriate sacrifice. To listen to the most perfect music in the world, I had to shed my imperfections. To understand the immortal, I had to spill my mortality. He told me, I needed to let my own blood run to show my devotion.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">I went to the kitchen and removed a chef knife from the drawer. I walked to my tiny kitchen table and sat down with the blade before me and my arms at my side. I stared at it, the beautiful, glistening tool, but did nothing else. It must have gone on for hours, me remaining unmoving and unblinking at the table, like a mannequin at a kitchen goods store. The sun began to rise and lighten my curtains but I remained still until my phone rang. It was Laura. She said “good morning” to me and asked me how I was. I stood up and replied “I'm fine, what are you up to, babe?” as I quietly returned the knife to its hiding spot.

<p style="margin-bottom:0in">We talked like nothing was out of the ordinary for a good 15 minutes before making lunch plans together and I hung up the phone. I had made it back to my room at some point during the conversation and I sat down on my mattress and stared at the floor with my face in my hands. I have no idea how I got in to a situation that I almost caused harm to myself. I was, and am, terrified at what had just transpired. If nothing else, I knew that I could never tell Laura what had just happened, how would she look at me in the morning? <ac_metadata title="White Noise"> </ac_metadata>