Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28756492-20160714152200/@comment-28266772-20160714160702

I was always scared of the dark, blood, gore and anything weird and disgusting. -> something about this sentence seemed wrong to me until I realized you can’t use the definitive article ‘the’ before a list the way you have, and because it is a descriptive sentence (it is describing the narrator’s trait of fear) it should also use the past participle “I have always been scared of the dark,”. You need to find another way to combine the list that comes after ‘dark’, something like “I have always been scared of the dark, as well as blood, gore and...”

For example, when I watch something scary, I scream loudly, ran [run] to my bedroom and [go to] sleep. -> I find this kind of weird because if you’re that afraid how can you just fall asleep?

But when I sleep, I have nightmares, where all these things stuck in my mind coming [come] to life and attempt to kill me. -> Is this literal? Do the dreams literally come to life and attempt to kill you?

That's what happened a few days ago.

I was about to go to sleep, when I saw my mum watching the news on TV.

I always liked the news, because so many interesting things occur in [on] this planet. But the topic of the day was not that interesting.

It said that a 11-year-old boy named Thomas Dillon had commited [committed] suicide after being depressed for several years due to being abused by his 14-year-old brother, Aiden, [you should split the sentence here] who hated him a lot because Thomas was a very sensitive and weak boy [not sure this is the sort of thing that would get reported on in the news – as in, not sure the news would say “oh yeah this kid was abused because he was weak and sensitive].

I also saw that before commiting [committing] suicide, he wrote [he had written] his favorite number, 17, with his own blood on the floor of his house. -> This just feels weird. Why would anyone write their favourite number? Who even has a favourite number?

I was very scared and started whining because of the terror. My mom tried to calm me, but she failed because I had not seen something so [as] scary like [as] this [before].

I went to sleep after that.

But I could't [couldn’t] sleep because this terrifying event remained in my mind. I could not stop crying after being scared like that. But no one could hear me. -> You just said he went to sleep. This is contradictory – do you mean he went to bed?

After an hour and a half, I fell asleep.

What I was seeing was pitch black, nothing special. But then, the place turned dark red and the number 17 appeared in front of me.

That was even more scary [than what?]. I wanted to wake up and I was trying, but then I heard a voice saying: [comma not a colon]

"It's just a dream, Joel"



<p class="MsoNormal">I turned back and I saw a boy in [no need for ‘in’] my age, with black hair, black and red eyes [how are his eyes black and red? What parts are black, what parts are red?], shirtless, [and] with blood allover [all over] his chest and black [do we need to know the colour] pants which were ripped and [‘with’ not ‘and’] blood was [no need for ‘was] coming out of the ripped parts [just say ‘coming out of the ‘rips’].

<p class="MsoNormal">I was definetely [definitely] scared and I said to [told him] him to shut up.

<p class="MsoNormal">But then he said:

<p class="MsoNormal">"You were so lucky not to have an older brother, Joel. So lucky. But I had one who did not care about me. You see, he once attempted to hit me with an iron bar because I was weak to him. I was just a sensitive boy who enjoyed life. But Aiden was not like me. He was always a bully who liked tormenting weak people like me and make them commit suicide. That also happened to me after months of depression and abuse. My parents loved me, but they did not know what Aiden was doing to me, because he did it only when we were alone. Without help, there was no other choice but to commit suicide. [this is information we have already had delivered to us]"

<p class="MsoNormal">I was shocked when I heard that story. But then I remembered that I was in a dream.

<p class="MsoNormal">But then he said: [no colon, just a comma, also you do a lot of ‘but…but…but’. Try to avoid this as it is repetitive].

<p class="MsoNormal">"Now it is your time to join me in hell."

<p class="MsoNormal">I tried to ran [run] away, but it was pointless. He was so fast that he reached me in seconds. When he reached me, he started punching me with so much power that I could not get up to my feet. I was hoping to wake up and put an end to this nightmare.

<p class="MsoNormal">And that's what happened. -> what does this sentence even mean?

<p class="MsoNormal">But then, I saw something more scary [scarier not ‘more scary’]. Next to me, there was the number 17, written with blood. -> So….? Are you saying that he woke up and then saw the number 17 written in blood?

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So overall you rely too heavily on telling us what happens instead of showing us it happen. The story as a whole is clichéd anyway. Ghost stories aren’t particularly compelling, and there’s no relationship between the events. For example – I just read a story about how a woman was murdered in Yorkshire. In fact, everyday I read about things happening and I don’t get ghostly visits. So why is this kid visited by a ghost just because he saw a news report? You also tell us that Aiden is a sensitive and kind boy, so why does he attack the narrator? Also prepubescent children very rarely commit suicide, the events don’t seem to fit with what we see in real life.

<p class="MsoNormal">So overall here’s my recommendations. Read every last guide on this website, read every last suggested reading story, and read every damned book you can get your hands on. Collections of short stories are a good start, as is Stephen King and many others. If you do post another story you need to proof read it to pick out the obvious errors of misspelt words and incorrect grammar. You should also do the ‘read aloud’ test, where you find someone who has never read your story and ask them to read it aloud. If they start to stutter, and struggle to read it all in one go without losing their breath at certain points, it means the flow of the story is wrong and needs to be improved.

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