Talk:Documented Insanity/@comment-24077689-20140515223453

(I write this as I read)

First thing I notice is that your grammar is pretty sound. The only thing I’ll knock you for is using the ellipsis incorrectly. Which, in all honesty, while I find it annoying you don’t use it often in this story, and it’s one of the most common mistakes made on this wiki.

Now, as far as the plot goes, I’m sure you’re aware of the glaring cliché that is the haunted/scary/cursed VHS tape. Which, in all honesty is a bit of a defunct trope nowadays because of the fact that most of us stopped using VHS somewhere in the mid-2000’s.

Ah, scratch that, you clarify that in the next paragraph.

While your usage of the ellipsis isn’t everywhere, it’s still misused. Most of these places, you’d be just as well to use a comma, semicolon, or especially a dash.

Your descriptions of the video move pretty fast, which is to be expected in a story like this. But it moves in a bit of a blur, it’s unclear if the clown scene is happening in front of the girls or if they’re two separate scenes cut together. Perhaps a better way to describe the degradation of the footage, also, would be to describe magnetic interference. The way you’re describing this seems like footage I’ve had that was degraded by a magnet.

Your dialogue moves pretty quickly and smoothly. It works very well, the little bits that you have. But, again, watch the usage of ellipses.

So the footage was uploaded to Youtube? Or am I misunderstanding this?

The email message reads like you’d expect a high schooler who is at least somewhat literate to write, however you then delve into a more story-teller mode with it. Like phrases such as “his all-consuming rage” and stuff like that. Not really how a high schooler would write to another one. This part of the story you can afford to keep a bit vaguer with your writing.

I wince every time I read the phrase “shit-eating grin”. What exactly is a shit-eating grin?

Read the second email out loud, there are some missing commas and such. Also, this guy that hanged himself, why wouldn’t he go to the police if this is the case? They take harassment cases like this very seriously.

Overall, the pasta is pretty good. I actually enjoyed it. There’s some tweaking that you should do to it, but I like the premise. The VHS thing may seem cliché, but I like where you take it, I think more could be done with the premise of why he gave the tape to the protagonist. And there could definitely be more done with the reason the protagonist doesn’t stop watching. And the killing spree thing is also a bit confusing, like why it had this zombifying effect on the friend, is also a bit unclear. That whole bit makes you think the tape is haunted like Smile.Dog, which it definitely isn’t.

I’d like to see you edit this pasta and I’d love to see where you could take it. Like I mentioned, some of this seems played out, you have a solid concept, I dig the clown theme, which funny enough isn’t done very often in creepypastas. I dig the physical and emotional scarring of the villain. But I think you could take this much further.