Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-27057392-20160514134123/@comment-25569708-20160514235513

Hello Vengur! I should start out by saying that you do not need to indent stories on this website.

This is quite a good story you have here, and I have some things to say about it. There are no real errors here, except that you occasionally tense switch, such as "the only people from my circle that was going to college", "weeping in groups as they cope with the realization", "He must have left the girl so he can go through my home’s toolshed to find it", "he made it incredibly obvious something is buried under there", and "it really was their first act of true care for me". I would recommended going through your story and making sure that the appropriate tense is always used. Also, "The rest were screwed. The rest were those average schmucks" is a little redundant. Additionally, "confessing love to each other(one guy even proposed)" needs a space at the start at those parentheses. Finally, "I heard a voice behind me: “What the fuck are you doing here?”." does not need a period at the end.

Okay, let's talk about the story itself. I actually really liked it, and I liked being inside of your character's head. I could really picture the security camera scene. It is interesting how the horror aspect comes not from the creepy burly guy, but the narrator himself. I liked how at the start of your story, you made it seem like he was just a jerky rich kid, but revealed him as a murderous sociopath at the end. That twist was quite unexpected, and was actually rather unnerving. Good job. I can't really think of much else to except that I really liked your story and I think that it probably would be accepted onto the wiki.

Good luck, fellow Creeper!