Talk:My Baby/@comment-24841732-20140506235040/@comment-24077689-20140507003929

Let me start by saying that I'm fuckin' blown away by this review, man. You did a phenomenal job, thank you so much for taking the time to write this up. Reviewing ain't all it's cracked up to be, huh?

Let me address some of these concerns in one fell swoop: go back to my first blog or so, right after I posted this. This story is largely an experiment in story telling, trying to build tension, develop characters, create atmosphere, etc. without using dialogue. I definitely see your point, and it is a pretty major flaw in this story. The idea behind the story was to create a massively atmospheric feeling and keep it incrediby visceral. 100% visceral, in fact. I was kind of hoping that keeping it that way, especially for someone like me who's gone through break up and cheating and heartbreak, it would allow the reader to sort of project themselves into the story. Clearly, that idea doesn't work.

No, actually, that sentence is entirely correct. I intended it to read "burying me and baby, and the girl in the white dress..." in this particular sentence I'm using "baby" as more of a name than I had previously. As if he's calling her baby, not just his baby.

What do you think I could do to improve the relatability of the narrator? Would adding a voice improve the story or would it ruin the atmosphere? I've been playing with the idea of soliloquy lately for another story, would applying it to this story make a difference?

The wife is supposed to not be relatable. In this case, she is literally a prop. Because she's dead. I don't know how to develop a character for someone who isn't alive in any way shape or form. I was hoping that the sort of flashback memories would kind of give an emotional feeling to what they were, how she was, etc. But, again, I guess not.

A 7/10 isn't bad. I guess. It's still one of the more highly rated on the site on average. I'd love to hear what you think about my potentially improving this story. Thanks, again, man.