Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25237062-20140801194605/@comment-17758905-20140802115045

I'll review this by the paragraph:

(Dan and Jane moved to Clendenin, West Virginia. It was a nice city surrounded by wilderness)

...Nice? What is that even supposed to mean? Does that mean there's little crime? Littering is almost non-existent? Typically, we don't even need to know where they moved to in the first place.

("Daddy?" Annie asked with curiosity in her young, innocent, 9 year old voice.

"Yes sweaty?" Dan, the father of Jane, replied.)

...Sweaty? I think here you mean "sweetie". Also, we don't need to know her voice sounds innocent or that she's nine. Finally, you don't need to say she asked with curiousity. There's nothing in that sentence that might imply it would be rhetorical and that you need to clarify in the first place.

("Why are we moving here?" she asked in the same tone she did before. Dan didn’t know how to answer her. He could tell her the truth, but he doubts she would understand)

You have comitted a sin called "tense jumping". You went from past tense to present tense. You need to be consistent unless it adds to the story [and the circumstances in which that would be are nearly zero. If not automatically zero]. Plus, why didn't this question come up earlier? And do we really need to know that the tone she used was the same as before?

("Because honey, daddy got a new job." He said in a fake, cheery voice. "Here I can buy you more toys that you want.")

Well at least now I know something's up with the dad.

(Dan couldn't help but feel bad for lying about his intention of moving here. His real reason was because of the divorce. His wife wanted to keep Jane, and was fighting tooth and nail for her. She soon won the right to Jane and Dan was never able to see her again. He would never let her take Jane. So he kidnapped her in the middle of the night, moved, and bought a new house under a different name. It’s been 5 days since then.  He is trying to live as long as he can with his daughter before the police come. He clutched the rifle in the passenger seat. If they do try to take her, he knows what he has to do. Amazingly, the house he bought was at a price of 7,000 dollars. It was an amazing house too.  It was a two story building with a, large dining room, 4 bathrooms, a beautiful kitchen, and a spacious living room that has a stone fireplace. The best part is that it is in the middle of nowhere. A fantastic place to hide for the time being)

Excuse me? You mentioned Jane and Dan in the beginning, but not Annie? Also, the price make it easy to know something is up with the house because it is amazing yet cheap. However, you say it is in the middle of nowhere, but before you said it was in a town. A town is not nowhere.

After doing some research on the location of this story, I dug this up: "Several people in the town have claimed to have seen local legendary monsters such as the Mothman, the Flatwoods, WV Green Monster, and the Clendenin White Tiger."

Here's hoping this includes one of these monsters.

(They were on a highway that cut through the middle of the woods. The map said to take a turn to the right. He drove until he reached the end of the highway. He realized he passed it and was ticked off that he didn't see the path. He did a U turn and went in search of the path again. He did this 8 times. It was nightfall now and he was furious! He looked to the right again. He drove slower this time. Then he saw it. The gravel road was obscured from sight by the branches and brush. He turned onto the gravel road. He drove for five minutes, before he realized he was famished. He reached for the water bottle in the cup holder. He put the bottle in his mouth and bit down on the cap. He twisted the bottle trying to open it and get a drink. The car ran over an unexpected rock making him drop the bottle. By instinct he reached down to get it.)

Wow, what a terrible and reckless driver.

(He didn't see the animal that waltzed out in front of his car. Blap! The car tumbled over the helpless animal and s horrid scream came from it. Dan hit the brakes. He snapped his head around to see if Jane was ok. She was awake, but safe.)

"And s horrid" I think you mean here "and its horrid scream".

("Daddy? What was that?" She asked, startled by the unexpected jerking of the car)

You're dad's an idiot, sweetheart.

("Probably a deer honey." He replied in a calm soothing voice.

"Is it ok?!' She said in a panicky, sad voice.

"Let me go check." He replied he was not so sure he wanted to go out there, but he lived to make his daughter happy.

He reached for the glove compartment and pulled out a flashlight. He opened the car door, and slowly set foot onto the gravel road. He turned on the flashlight and pointed it in the direction of the supposed crash. He saw nothing but a wine red, glossy liquid on the gravel. He walked over to it, when he got close enough; he knelt down to look at it more closely. It was the blood of the animal. The only question he had was where is the animal? His flashlight started to blink and it shut off.)

Did he really need to inspect the pool of red? He heard a screech, and he sees a puddle that is red. Besides, I don't think it is easier to tell if something is blood if you go from five feet away from it to one inch unless it is a small little drop of it.

("Damn it!" He said frustrated, as he hit the light on the gravel to turn it back on! SNAP!!! He heard twigs snap to the right, inside the woods. The flashlight turned back on, and he flashed it in the direction of the sound. He scanned the trees for a minute.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Jane screamed.

Dan immediately sprinted towards the car.

"Jane!" He yelled in fear and anger. He won’t let anything happen to her.)

Okay, these last three paragraphs could've been mixed together like this: As Dan continued his examination of the undergrowth and trees of the forest he heard a high-pitched scream which alerted him. Assuming it was one of his daughters he took off on a sprint towards his car shouting, "JANE!"

Show don't tell with the whole "he won't let anything happen to her" part.

(He opened the car door and flashed his light inside. Jane was curled up into a ball, back hugged up against the door at the other car door. She stared at him in fear with tears streaming down her face.

"What happened!?" He demanded as he checked Jane's body for a cut or a bruise.

"I....It.....it...it's......" She said, forcing out the sentence in her traumatized state. Dan curled up next to her and held her in his arms.

"Shhhh.......its ok." he said in a comforting voice, "Nothing will hurt you, it was just your imagination.")

What imagination? He doesn't even know what she's trying to ramble on about!

(After Annie calmed down, she passed out, dead asleep. Dan crawled into the front seat and drove up the road until he reached a clearing and saw the house. It was still dark but he could see better because of the light of the moon wasn't obscured by trees. He carried her up to the door and went inside. He went upstairs and dropped her off in her new bedroom. He stroked her hair and stared at her peaceful body in its state of slumber. He kissed her forehead goodnight and covered her with the blankets. He was about to walk out but something caught the corner of his eye. Out the window, He saw two red lights. He stared at them a bit. That’s a new shade of light from the light poles. He thought to himself before he closed her room door and walked across the hallway into his room. He lay down in his bed and tried to sleep. He looked out the window and saw two more red lights. He stared at them and he slowly fell asleep. It’s funny how much the closed eye misses. The two red lights blinked on and off occasionally. They would slowly move side to side, and fog would cover the glass underneath them)

Wait, why is Annie calming down when he's comforting Jane? Where is Annie in most of this story anyway? Are Annie and Jane supposed to be the same person?

Though, those red lights are certainly intriguing. However, why would anyone assume that's just light from the lightpoles? Typically, light from those are either yellow or white because, well, red is distracting most of the time.

(The sun rose the next day. Dan was outside finding fire wood for the house, while Jane was inside the house still sleeping. Dan comes home a few hours later holding an arm full of sticks and twigs. When he hears Jane……talking to someone. He panicked. Someone must have followed us! He Thought. He dropped the wood and bolted into the kitchen and grabbed a knife.)

Thought is unnecessarily capitalized. Also, how can he conclude she's talking to a person that isn't herself? And why doesn't he assume that person could potentially be Annie, assuming again Annie and Jane aren't the same person?

(He busted through the door and yelled with fury “Get the hell away from her!”

Jane was in the corner, crying. Dan ran over to her and held a Jane in his arms.)

...Held a Jane? You might want to proofread this a little more. Also, you could string both sentences together to make them a little less choppy, like this: Dan discovered that Jane was crying in a corner, so he dashed towards her, and held her in his arms.

(“It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok” He repeated in a soothing voice. He was doing it more for himself; he was angered and filled with sorrow from the thought of someone being in this house. He repeated himself until he calmed down. Then he heard mumbling. He listens closely and realized Jane was saying something. He leaned in and heard her say,)

That last sentence should be in the next paragraph because you put an "X said,". You typically never put "X said,

"So-and-so." Actually, to make it look even better and splitting it up more wisely, the next paragraph should start with, "Then he heard mumbling".

(“We need to leave Dad.” In a cold hard voice.

Startled, it took him a second to respond “We can’t honey.” He said, “We are staying here. Now honey who were you talking to?”

She mumbles something.

“What?” Dan said as he leaned in to hear his daughter.

“Tears, I was talking to Tears.”)

He was already leaned in. However, at least this time saying what her tone was actually mattered.

(The next day Dan couldn’t stop thinking about Jane. He went outside once or twice to use the outhouse. Every time he did, he would bring Jane. He had the idea that Tears was just an imaginary friend, but he realized something when he came outside to use the outhouse. There are no light poles outside. Night fell faster than expected. Dan was sleeping on the floor in Jane’s room, keeping watch over night with his rifle, fully loaded. It is 12:00 at night and Dan is finding it hard to stay awake. Until he hears the faintest noise that sounds like whining. The whining is coming from the hallway. He slowly gets up and walks to the bedroom door.)

Oh, well that's a nice thing for him to notice, that there were no light poles outside. Just that, he should also have noticed that red was not a color typically used for light pole lights. The suspense could've been drawn out more in certain parts, like so:

"Dan exited his house and looked around for the uniquely colored light poles, only to make a disturbing discover; there weren't any. His mind raced to figure out the culprit behind the red lights - were they lights? Or... were they eyes?"

And, "Dan slowly felt sleep try to overtake him as his eyelids felt extremely heavy and he became drowsy and somewhat groggy when he heard a high-pitched sound, like an animal's whine. The sound was echoed through the floor, and from what he could tell, it was coming from the hallway. He jerked himself up from his sleeping position and stumbled towards the door to discover what the noise was. Was it a pipe? Just a dog he thought was in his house, but was really outside accompanied by their owner while out on a walk? Could it possibly even have been Tears?"

<p class="MsoNormal">(He hesitates and looks back at his daughter, sound asleep. He opens the door slowly to prevent the creaking. His attempt fails as the hallway gets filled with the sound. He stops, listens, feared of being heard. Then he continues. He follows the sound into the hallway, down the stairs into the first floor. His rifle at the ready, he goes to the front door. The whining gets louder. Dan’s hands shake as he grabs the door knob. He takes a deep breath and flings the door open. He steps out on the porch with his rifle raised. On the ground is a deer, or what looks like a deer. It was cut up the middle; its entrails lay out on the porch. Its pelt was nowhere to be seen, its muscles and veins, exposed to thin air, it’s still alive. Dan stepped back and vomited. The sight of this animal was horrible. It whines louder begging to be killed)

<p class="MsoNormal">Random gore is not scary. Plus, why would a killer decide to do all of this to an animal and not just eat it like any normal predator? Well, I'll just hope this isn't some supernatural beast that did this for cheap scares, and was some insane murderer who was meticulous about their killings.

<p class="MsoNormal">(Dan collected himself and aimed the gun at the creature. His finger was ready to pull the trigger. When he felt a sharp pain touches his back. Before he had time to react they thrust into him. He screams in pain and agony. The sharp object pushes lungs and out through his chest. He is then lifted off the ground and thrown into the house. Dan slams down onto the floor and slides until his head collides with the wall. Dan is only hanging on to an inch of life now, coughing up blood. Then the monster approaches and does its work. Carving it's claws into his face.)

<p class="MsoNormal">And... random monster, meaning pointless gore was pointless. All the gore was for was for shock factor, Tears wasn't important, and neither was the animal ran over earlier in the story! What does this monster even look like?

<p class="MsoNormal">(The authorities found Jane Phoenix a few days ago in a house covered in blood and scraps of skin. DNA tests show that the blood and scraps of skin was the fathers of Jane, Dan Phoenix, who has gone missing last two victimsf this vDan is wandering through the woods till he sees an unsuspecting hiker. In an instant. Dan takes the form of a creature with dark, leathery skin and long sharp claws. His face wasn’t human. It has the resemblance of a wolf that had its nose smashed flat. It smiled as it opened its eyes that glowed red. Teeth bared, it follows the hiker. To take a new form.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Alright, now that we know what this creature looks like, and now that that explains the red eyes, how the heck was it not noticed before in the darkness, and only its eyes were? If I were away from the window, I would still be able to make a face out. It doesn't help matters that you made no transition between the report which is in italics, and Dan's next actions which are in normal text.

<p class="MsoNormal">Tears is still unimportant, however.

Finally, the gore is still random and we have a beast with a vague shapeshifting ability apparently.

My adivce: Personally, I think you need a better monster, as it isn't vague enough to scare me, it's vague enough to annoy me. Also, get a beta-reader.