Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170218205203/@comment-25569708-20170224045954

Okay, read the second draft. Here are some errors/questionable things I found first. Corrections and suggestions in parentheses:

"I died on the 6th September of 1647". Think you need to re-arrange this sentence.

"do you think Marilyn Monroe fucked herself while asleep." Rhetorical questions still should end in question marks.

"assuming you stay on earth". Capitalize "earth" here as you are referring to the proper planet.

"immortality(put a space here.)(immorality may a side-effect)."

"porn mags where(were) pieces of stone"

"belown(below) them were chunks"

"lead(led) me to jump"

"I actaully(actually) ran"

"That was until all of the King's horses and all of the King's men broke our Humpy(Humpty) Dumpty's(Dumptys/Dumpties) again when they raided our buisness(business) place and chained us up;(I'd suggest splitting this sentence in two here) the law said men can't have some fun without commitment and("but" here is better) it also said that men who like other men should be fucking murdered?"

"I may (be) in the unintellectual majority of people but I'm not as(so) blind as to put up with people killing others"

"and I valenteered(volunteered)"

"living in (a) tiny room"

"I felt their texture rather than seen it". This doesn't really sound right.

"drifting away from the earth". If you're referring to the planet, capitalize. If you're referring to dirt, then leave this be.

"snorted.(space)The"

"The door was as white (as) the walls and the walls were as white as the door"

"I felt comfortably numb". Oh no, now you've got me thinking of Jay's awful tale...

"They lead(led) me into a waiting room"

"Could I really hate myself enough to dream this up." Rhetorical questions still should end in question marks.

"baphomet(Baphomet) makes one mean ham sandwich"

"bang in the middle of the Berlin wall of body language between the two". This just sounds awkward and I can't really get the meaning of it.

"purgatory(Purgatory)"

"I should have him if he didn't wipe old people's ass'(asses)," the young man said,(.) "I mean, lucifer(Lucifer) would crawl out of fucking hell(Hell) if this tool came with me."

""You should have him?" Barked(barked) the old dude"

"they lead(led) me"

"It was as white as the place I arrived (at) and resembled a modern subway"

"The place for trains not collage(college) boys jerking off in your food". I feel like you could expand on this joke a bit, perhaps giving a reason why a Subway employee would cum in someone's food.

"reseptionist(receptionist) desk"

""I need a cab for earth(Earth)." Barked(barked) the guy dressed in black"

"Half of that is the bible(Bible)"

"It looked unlike anything I have(had) ever seen back then"

"and feeling every object sight". Unsure what you mean here.

"and ordered "A(a) meteric shiton of beer""

"and blasted off faster than Albert Einstein multiplies("multiplying" sounds better to me here) on Adderall."

"occaisonly(occasionally)"

"Grey and Black bickered about the ethics of castarting(castrating) rapists and then about should(replace "should" with "if" here) faith healers (should) go to heaven(Heaven) or hell(Hell)."

"The Lord of Lies needs con-men and swindlers," was an argument and it was retorted with "Satan should not take children who follow God's will," which was countered by "Not unless the bible(Bible) instructs preachers to steal from cancer patients." Really feel like you should break this up into separate sentences, perhaps after each point is made.

"I lived in a time where people where people(remove this extra "where people")"

"but I (also) experienced a time where men and women created amazing breakthroughs"

Also:

"I had grey pubic hair longer than my dick". I feel like you should expand on this joke as well.

"was worse than being gangbanged in prison". This one too.

So overall I felt like this new draft is a definite improvement. I liked how you gave some more backstory to the protagonist and cut back on some of that unnecessary profanity. You cleaned up the plot and language slightly which is also good. Reading this over again however I think you jump too quickly from the protag arriving in Maine to him being completely fed up with humanity. You give one short paragraph regarding his view on modern society, which is okay, but I think it would help to add some more about him living as an undead(?) on Earth. After spending so much time describing his trip in the subway, it would be a good idea to reward the reader with some more humorous antics on Earth. Also, I'm now a bit confused about why he gets transported to Purgatory after he dies, gets sentenced, and then just returns to Earth as an immortal. Is that his punishment, or is living on Earth forever the real Purgatory and he just got sentenced in Heaven?

Finally I would recommend going through this story again and reading out loud to yourself, seeing if the sentences sound natural to you as a reader. And if you find any spot at all that you think could be better visualized by adding some extra interesting description, don't hesitate to do so.

Well, those are my thoughts for now. Good luck here.