Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26460610-20150603055952/@comment-26007602-20150603202347

If you plan on expanding on this, you may want to be careful, as you're treading on some thin ice with the clichés used here.

"I guess I'll start from the beginning. And for the dicks that are asking, "Where else would you start?" fuck you. Just shut up and listen." Starting with a story with "I guess I'll start from the beginning" is a fairly worn out cliché that makes your story seem to start out unoriginal. Just skip stating that and jump right into the story, readers won't mind. Also, saying "Fuck you" to readers in the first few lines doesn't do much for sympathy. I already dislike your character as he seems like an obnoxious ass. You can have an evil protagonist, but you never want an unlikable protagonist, as readers won't want to read with him.

"I mean, WHAT THE FUCK! HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE!" You don't need all-caps here to denote your character's rage. Italicize or use an exclamation mark instead for a more professional style.

I'm calling bullshit on an eight year old child turning suicidal and homicidal after his parents were killed. Yes, he'd certainly be traumatized, but I'm fairly certain children that young can't quite comprehend the idea of suicide. The authorities decision to throw him in a psych ward (Which aren't quite as bad as you depict here) seems a bit far fetched as well.

You kind of need to explain where our narrator is living, as he's sixteen and lives... somewhere. I don't know what Karl is doing in his house, but it doesn't really make sense for him to be there.

Karl is also an impossibly evil bully character that is there for the sake of being an evil bully to traumatize our protagonist. He has no motivation other than "generate conflict" and his character is highly clichéd. If you want to use an evil bully character (Or better yet, don't), you need to make him believable and give him some character.

"I became richer than I ever thought possible. Millions of dollars stashed in my ceiling." This needs some explanation. Actually, the whole shadow thing needs explanation. You can't just give this kid powers and magically explain it away in a single paragraph. There should be some event that gives him this ability as well, because the powers just seem to manifest and our character suddenly finds out the "power of shadows".

"I wake to the Shadow and embrace its possibilities." I really hope this isn't supposed to be his catchphrase. Catchphrases are cliché and don't add anything to the story.

Finally, I leave you with this; it explains the major issue with your story. It's an OC story built around the character when it should be a standalone plot with the character built inside it. Seriously, give this a read, as it is immensely helpful if you plan on developing this story further.