Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26411912-20150925150938

So, I recently wrote a story for my language arts class. While I think that my concept is original, the way in which I executed it is absolutely horrific. We're required to publish our stories to a sight of our choosing, and I'd be very appreciative if somebody here at the wiki could offer some advice so I can make it fit for the wiki. Keep in mind, I know that this story is awful, so please refrain from saying that in your review.

3:45 A.M. The light of the cigarette was the only thing that illuminated the dark streets of Bellaire. Catherine took one last puff before pressing the tip of the cigarette into the ashtray, smothering the light and sending hot embers floating through the air. She returned her attention to the figure sitting across the street, a young girl with crimson red hair and a white nightgown. Catherine was worried about her of course. She knew that no little girl should ever be out this late, especially in a place like Bellaire. But she also knew that it could be just another thug looking to mug any Good Samaritan wanting to help somebody in need. So she kept an eye on her, but didn’t get too close.

6:21 A.M. Catherine woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon and eggs. She rose up out of bed and walked into the kitchen, where Amelia was happily putting bread into the toaster. Catherine sat down at the table, and Amelia took the seat next to her.

“So, are the steps more comfortable than the bed now?” she asked, setting a plate in front of Catherine.

“Did the landlord call you again?” Catherine asked, drowsily dropping a piece of bacon into her mouth.

“Nah, this time he brought you up himself, started screaming at me about the no smoking policy, then threatened to kick us out,” Amelia chuckled.

“Of course, my good friend Benjamin Franklin shut him up pretty quick.” Catherine shook her head and smiled.

“You’re quite the cute hoor Amy, you got that much going for you.” Catherine remarked.

“Your cooking on the other hand…”

8:43 A.M. Catherine leaned against the wall of the dark alleyway with a look of intense concentration on her face. She stared at the body laid down on the ground, the forensics team already beginning the examination. The lead detective entered the scene.

“Caucasian Female. Late thirties. Found at approximately 8:15 A.M. with two stab wounds, one to the jugular and the other to the heart.” Catherine said, keeping her eyes on the corpse.

“Time of death?” Detective Connors asked, dumping the contents of his coffee into the nearby dumpster.

“Ten hours ago, give or take. Cocaine powder was found all over her jacket.” Catherine muttered.

“Drug deal gone bad.”

Connors patted her on the shoulder, snapping her out of her trance.

“I’ll be sure to write that down in the report.” He said.

“You got a gift Brennan. Most seasoned detectives don’t perform this well in the field, let alone a rookie. But how about I take it from here?” Catherine nodded, and left the scene. As she was walking to her car however, a figure standing across the street caught her attention. It was the same girl from last night. Now her gown was wrinkled and torn towards her legs, and her hair was a tangled mess. Catherine turned and called over one of the uniformed officers to come immediately, only to discover the girl was gone when she turned back. Catherine apologized to the officer, and told him to tell Detective Connors that she was going home for the night.

As she drove off, Catherine was in deep thought. Who was this girl, and why was she following her? Catherine thought about all of the cases she had been involved in. If this was somebody looking to get vengeance for an incarcerated relative, her life could very well have been in danger. As she approached a stoplight, she laughed. Paranoia was getting to her, and nothing more. Waiting for the light to turn green, Catherine adjusted her rear view mirror. The girl was sitting in the back of her car. Startled, Catherine slammed on the acceleration, and her car flew into the oncoming traffic. She screamed as she drove through the streets, dodging cars and boundaries in a vain attempt to escape from the young girl. The last thing she saw before the crash was a semi heading straight for her.

5:34 P.M. Catherine drifted back into consciousness. Amelia sat in a chair across from her bed. “Thank god, you’re awake.” Amelia exclaimed, getting out of her chair. Catherine winced as she sat up.

“What happened?” she grimaced, rubbing her forehead.

“I was about to ask you the same question. What do you remember about the moments before the crash?” Amelia questioned. Catherine thought about the young girl, how she had suddenly appeared in the car. How could she explain that to Amy? Nobody would believe such an outrageous story, not even her spouse.

“I guess I just passed out.” Catherine lied.

“Well, the doctors said that you should be fine. You somehow managed to get out of the wreck with only minor cuts, and that I could take you home after they ran a few tests.” Amelia happily proclaimed. Catherine’s face went pale.

“Are they sure I’m ok? We should probably stay the night, just in case they’re wrong.” Catherine stuttered. Amelia gave her a stern look.

“Catherine, you’re fine. Your cuts have been stitched closed, the bruises have been tended to. Hell, you didn’t even break anything. There’s no need to stay here.” She said. Catherine shuddered. She knew that the girl would be at the house, waiting for her to arrive. But even so, who’s to say that she wouldn’t come here?

“Fine.” Catherine said.

“Wake me up when it’s time to leave.”

11:32 P.M. Catherine knew what caused the thump, even before she opened her eyes. She sat up and looked at the young girl standing at her bedside.

“Why do you insist on staying here?” the girl asked, her voice raspy.

“Because the real world is too much for me to handle. I’m happy here, I don’t have to deal with the truth.” Catherine shakily replied.

“Everybody have to face the truth at some point. You know that better than anyone.” The girl replied. Catherine sighed, and looked at the girl with pleading eyes.

“Please, don’t make me go back.” Catherine whispered.

“Wake up Catherine.”

2:45 A.M. Catherine shot up out of her hospital bed. She looked at the various people, all in comatose states, laying in the adjacent beds. She slowly rose stood up, and walked towards the clipboard sitting on the desk opposite of the beds.

Patient: Catherine Brennan Parent/Guardian: Seth Brennan (Deceased), Marie Brennan (Deceased) Time of admission: July 27th, 1994, 3:07 P.M. Age: 28 years old (12 when admitted) Reason for admission: Comatose state caused by extreme blunt force trauma received in car accident. 