Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24872476-20140427231040/@comment-24550863-20140430000754

Okay, I might sound harsh but I mean no offense. Just trying to make this story a bit better. :p Here goes.

Well, I like how you described the music, the lighting,and the ambience of the waiting room. But I feel like you could try describing the chairs a little better? Its a bit hard to imagine. I know its difficult to describe it in a better way but it really sounds a bit funny to me.

You could describe the secretary a bit better. Saying ‘bored-looking’ is a bit bland. How about ‘comatose’ or ’somnolent’? The rest of that paragraph is great.

I noticed you used ‘little a lot. Try substituting some of it for a different word instead. There’s an error in this paragraph. A second ticked* by. thudding heavily*. She looked like ^she was dozing. The rest of this is good paragraph is good too.

You could substitute ‘lazy’ for a another word instead. Maybe, wearily? The old woman awakened* and (if she’s supposed to have brittle bones) her joints clacked as she struggled to pull herself up.** ''Opened it and walked through” could be written as just “entered”. No need to described that part.(In my case I wouldn’t. But you can if you want to) Sighed, ^and waited my turn.

The story is good until “I went back to my seat..”.

Maybe you could write "Trudge back to” instead of ''went back”.

Instead of ‘then i had a weird thought”, try ‘Out of the blue, I asked myself”. place?* You could try "My train* of thoughts” instead of “line”. “was disrupted*” “the sound of a dog clawing at the heavy wooden door resonated around the room”**

Glanced* at the clock. her* voice. I noticed that I had left blood on the door knob.**  bleeding?*  I stared dumbfounded at my reflection in the doorknob**  Slashes covered me** (I dun understand how he knew he was cut from broken glass) My body went numb as my mind comprehended that,**

I was dead(italics).**

“Damn, I hate when this happens..”* Dullahan’s voice came from her mouth, which was now fixated to her head that she grasped at her side.** The door swung open a second later* Then I noticed.*

at least the impression of one*  Sorry about this, man.**  They lugged me back with them, their claws tearing into my skin, back into the huge, dark hole that the door had concealed.*

- End Of Review-

Yeah, I know I edited a lot but its just what I feel would sound better. Sorry if I sounded harsh. Good luck with your edit. :)