Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5553246-20151209031609/@comment-26475800-20151209044830

Okay, so at first I thought this was going to be like The Splendor Man, which I found funny as hell. Here is a link to that story if you haven't read it, it isn't scary at all but it is funny, in an off the wall kind of way: http://www.creepypasta.com/splendor-man/

However, this was not very well written. The sentences were not very complex, I feel most readers would like to have some meat and potatoes when they read something. With the short sentences it makes the story very choppy. When I first started putting my stories out there someone had told me that and it was one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten, so I am not just trying to be harsh on you.

The biggest problem I had with the story though, was that it was everywhere. There was so little description and so much going on that I had no idea what was really going on. First your brother is acting weird, but that only leads you to the woods, where a monster comes out. Then you find a shack with people hardwired into computers and teleport into NYC only to find it was a dream. But it my not have been a dream.

That is what I got from this story, so do you see how that can be confusing? You had a lot of ideas crammed into something that should be close to novel length if it is going to have so many ideas like that in it. You have left so many things unanswered that it kills the entire story, what happened to the brother? What was that monster? Was the guy dreaming? Who was doing that experiment with the computers? What exactly was happening with the people and the computers?

Those are some of the questions that will bug the hell out of me if I found this somewhere other than the WW. Because of those two reasons alone, this story is not up to par. But, it could be. If you chose one of those ideas and went with it you could make a good story. You started off good with the brother thing, but keep it with that. The way this is written is like a journal for story ideas.

Listen to Empy with the grammar things he has said, that will help a lot. But also, keep in mind that your readers will only know what you show them. There is so much that cannot be figured out with the data given with this story. Also you didn't really show anything you told us what you wanted to tell us.

Hope that helps.