Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20161219211715/@comment-26326346-20161220021929

Full Disclosure: I am also an entrant in the Christmas Contest, so try and get someone else to read over and okay this too. My grammar isn't the best, so I focused on fixing what I know for sure is wrong.

Firstly, your attitude in regards to your own story is rather disappointing. "This will teach me not to enter a contest" and "Very fucking original, I know. It's shit, in all honesty. Anyway, it's there if you hate yourself enough to give it a review." You need to get yourself out of this mindset right away! There are fewer things sadder than someone that fails because they don't believe in themself - your story is fine - you aren't at that point yet, but if you keep treating/seeing your stories that way, then you'll inevitably give up on writing.

It's fine to have favorites and not be fond of your older stories as time passes, but don't go trashing yourself and them. Basically, just get over yourself (I know that's harsh sounding, but you are being your own worst enemy). Just keep trying to do better and learn things from your stories as you go and you'll be fine~ Relax while writing and just have fun! I'm glad your flu is gone and that you are feeling better by the way.

With my soapbox piece/high horse phase out of the way, I've read through your story and have some corrections for it as well as a couple of suggested descriptive changes that I think flow better. I think the monster is fine, but I also think an ending where the protagonist gets blown back and knocked out from blowing up the manor and waking up with a piece of coal in his hand might be a better way to end it, that's just my opinion that others might disagree with. Feel free to ignore any changes you don't agree with :D

Use CTRL + F to find the sentences below this line: ______________________________________________________________________________________________ "Thats when I saw the fire axe in her hand. Thats also when the film stops, I know I escaped and was adopted...

Change: "That's when I saw the fire axe in her hand. That is also when the film stops, I know I escaped and was adopted..."

The colonial manor atop the loomed behind a thick shroud of mist.

Change: The colonial manor atop the hill loomed behind a thick shroud of mist.

It said it was with the family since forever and that it made sure me were good and righteous, or something.

Change: It said it was with the family, since forever, and that it made sure we were good and righteous, or something.

It basically is a guardian angle of sorts that attends the eldest family member and makes sure they make their close-ones watch their actions.

Change: It is a guardian angel of sorts that attends to the eldest family member. It makes sure they make their close-ones watch their actions. 

My hand faltered and I pulled one trigger. Evan ducked and threw the axe up. A branch was blown of a tree with a bang.

Change: My hand faltered and I pulled the trigger. Evan ducked and threw the axe up in retaliation. A branch was blown off a nearby tree with a bang.

I jumped away but the axe caught my shin and I made a snow-angle. I got up and turned.

Change: I jumped away, but the axe clipped my shin, causing me to involuntarily make a snow angel. I mustered my resolve and rose to a crouching position.

A man of science would say the voice was a hallucination caused by shock and a frightfully real but fantastical stories told to me by a person of trust who destroyed that trust thus creating a complex in my mind.

Change: A man of science would say the voice was a hallucination caused by shock and frightfully real, but fantastical stories told to me by a person of trust who destroyed that trust thus creating a complex in my mind.