Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9584883-20140925130715/@comment-25558572-20140925163326

Let’s get to it.

The very first sentence contains a widely-used cliché of “This actually happened to me!” Not only is this a very lazy and ineffective way to make someone believe the story is real, it pretty much kills the scare factor immediately. And the word “Monster” does not need to be capitalized unless it’s a name.

Never put emoticons or wordart in pastas, unless it’s part of a chat you’re detailing in the story itself. It completely takes away the seriousness of the writing and makes it look like a troll or joke pasta.

So the MC is a serial killer? It’s a very weak and clichéd plot element to have that can easily ruin a story’s potential as a whole. Most serial killer stories are deleted for this reason.

You keep capitalizing words that don’t need to be, like “Woman” and “Good Evening”. Only capitalize a word if it’s the beginning of a sentence, a name, or a place.

There is no need to space out sentences from paragraphs for dramatic effect most of the time. Here, it’s clearly something minor. The sentences are fragmented and don’t have periods.

Why would so many girls be attracted to a man just when he speaks to her? If he is a very charming and charismatic person, some would be, but so far you haven’t provided and reasons for WHY the MC does so well getting girls. Does he always hold doors open for them? Did he help one find her purse when she lost it in a busy shopping mall? Did he give one a ride home when she had to walk in the rain? Simple reasons like these can make your characters so much stronger if you show instead of tell.

You’re using too much ellipsis (…). These should only be used in dialogue and even then, use them sparingly. A lot of ellipsis looks like an ineffective way of scaring the reader when all they usually do is make it harder to read.

<span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">You misspelled “loser” as “looser”.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">This feels very disconnected and rushed so far. It seems more like the journal entry of an upset writer instead of an actual story. There’s no easy flow of one event to the next- this jumps all over the place and changes topics randomly. In one paragraph you talk about how the MC can get any girl he wants, and in the very next, he’s talking about other men. It doesn’t make sense to me.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“It will be forever seared into my lizard brain.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">What does this mean? What’s a “lizard” brain? Was lizard the best word you could use to describe the MC’s state of mind?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">So now that you’re getting into the actual story, the full first half seems completely unnecessary. You could cut it all out and still have what seems to be an actual story on your hands, with characters and some kind of plot.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">You used the phrase “kick back and relax” twice in a few sentences. Think of some other way to phrase it, because that sounds bland and rushed.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“Non-chelant” should be spelled “nonchalant”.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">The climax came so quickly it feels like you had a tight deadline to write this. Why did you spend so much time crafting a lengthy and messy introduction that’s only loosely related to the story and then rush the climax?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">You give no reason as to WHY the MC is a serial killer through the whole story, not even a vague one, so this story isn’t at all believable. The whole second half feels like a rushed summary of the events, especially the ending, while the first half reads like a disorganized rant. There is a very basic and clichéd storyline here, but it’s so predictable that it doesn’t do anything but bore the reader. There isn’t really anything positive to say here that I can find.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">All in all, this was a poor-quality pasta that would most likely be deleted even if it had perfect grammar, spacing and punctuation. Since serial killers are such an overused theme in creepypastas, I strong suggest refraining from using them entirely. Read the Cliches list in the Writing Advice section for advice on what other subjects that are generally clichéd, and the Writing Advice blogs and How to Write Creepypasta will give you some advice on how to improve.