Emptied

I was finally back from my 2 week trip away from home, I said I’d curse the day I’d come home when I got there but now I felt kind of happy being back.

I was in the cab on the way to my house, when I saw somebody, or something, staring at me through the car window. Couldn’t see what he… it… looked like, the only thing I could look at was his eyes, the stare, his eyes had no expression, just like the rest of his face, that’s the only thing I remember of this first encounter. The car trip felt like forever, that face was etched long into my mind, into my imagination; it was the only thing I could think of! The cab finally arrived at my house, I stepped of, when I opened the door, I thought I saw the face in the hallway for a split second before I turned on the lamp. The face shocked me, but I didn’t react, my mind didn’t want to. Maybe the thing was following me, maybe it didn’t exist, maybe it was all just a figure of my imagination.

My thoughts were interrupted by my son hugging me. He suddenly stopped and asked me ‘’Why are you so cold Daddy?’’. I didn’t know if I was dreaming or if I wasn’t. My son was just standing still…staring at me, he then proceeded to ask me ‘’Dad, is something wrong?’’ I answered ‘’Why are you asking so many questions?!’’ I was scared by the anger in my voice, why did I get so mad at my 6 year old son?

My son still stood there looking at me, he asked me, in a mean, aggressive way, at least that’s what I heard it as ‘’what is wrong with you?!’’ I wasn’t sure he actually said it like that, but I hit him, I hit my 6 year old son. My son screamed in fear. He started staring into the hallway. I asked him what he was doing, he didn’t answer; he just stood there, completely still, paralyzed.

He asked me’ ’who was that man standing there in the hallway?’’ I replied with ‘’there was no one there, it was just your imagination’’ The door opened, I saw a familiar face through the spring. Anna walked through the door. I saw her shocked expression when she saw how Michael looked, his scared expression and little bruise, I could see her face, she looked shocked, I didn't like how he looked, I knew something was going to happen, I just couldn't understand what. She looked at me, she stared at me, it felt insufferable… The way she looked at me, Like if… like if I was some sort of monster, I told her to leave, I didn't understand what was happening, it just felt as if it wasn't me talking, it felt as it was just my anger speaking. I didn't want to say it, but it just felt as if, it just felt as if I didn't care about what would happen if I did. My girlfriend didn't answer, she just left the room. But just as she opened the door I saw something, just in the corner of my eye, it was just a glimpse but I could swear it was there, it was him... I mean “It”! My son was still standing there, staring at me, I left the room without saying anything and just went to my bed.

-

I woke up, I could swear I heard someone next to me in the bed. I just had the feeling of someone else’s present. I could feel its breath, but when I turned around there was no one there. I just kept on lying there for a while, hoping it would all be a dream, that I could just wake up and have a big laugh about it when I woke up. I kept lying there for almost an hour, until I realized I wasn’t going to wake up, until I realized it wasn’t a dream and that there was no escape from this grim reality and all of these events that had happened. I looked at the clock, it was 8 am. I went into my son’s room, I could see that he was still sleeping soundly, and then I went to go for a walk in the park. I didn’t feel the need to eat any breakfast. At the park I just wandered around, aimlessly. I felt the need to explore, to see new things, everything felt so boring. I started walking to the darker parts of town, to the parts that I hadn’t visited, not because I hadn’t had the chance but because it’s not the places you would want to visit. I started venturing to darker and darker alleys, it was almost 3 pm when it occurred to me that I had left my son alone back home. I turned around quickly, and just for a split second, I could see that face, it looked a little bit happier this time… I looked left, where I thought “It” would be, but it wasn’t there anymore. I started walking home, but I was lost. I had wandered so far into the dark side of town that I wasn’t even sure where I was anymore. It had almost been 3 hours until I was somewhere where I could find a way back. I was back around 7 pm. My son looked starving. He asked me -Where have you been all day dad? I answered with a stressed voice. -I have just been… A bit busy. He replied with an aggressive voice. -Dad! Why haven’t you given me any food? I replied, with a voice just as stressed as the one before. -Hey honey, I’ll go buy some quickly! … I literally kicked up the door, and ran out. The strange thing was that I wasn't hungry at all .I ran to the market. When I was finally there my heart was pumping fast… I didn’t know what food I would get him. So I just picked some pizza up, ran home, put it in the microwave then went to sleep. The next day, I woke up from the feeling that someone was staring at me. I could see that face for about a second before I closed my eyes again, when I opened them again I couldn't see “It” any-more. It felt as if it was actually real, as if it actually existed. As if it wasn't only me. I wanted to fall asleep again, but it felt as if I did so, the thing would get me. I got up of bed rather quickly, the odd thing was that the clock was only 7 am. I am usually a heavy sleeper. I left the room in only my trousers, I didn’t care about putting on any other clothes. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see my son standing outside of the door. He looked mad, he looked very tired. I asked him why he looked so tired. He answered me with a scared voice -I couldn’t sleep, there was this man, watching me through the window. I was horrified when I heard what my son said, I told him, in the most relaxed voice I could. -No, there was no one there, It was just your wild imagination. He answered me with a strange tone, equally fitting to the strange answer. -No, Dad! I went outside, and I could still see him, he went towards me… The expression on my face went from a little scared to totally horrified I answered him in the only way I could. -No my son, it was nothing, it was just a bad dream. I could see a face through the spring of the door, just in that second. The door opened completely and Anna came in. She was staring at me… She asked me what had happened during that day, why I acted so strange. I said that it was just because I had felt so strange. She asked me what was wrong, I replied with -WHY ARE YOU ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!? I wasn’t sure why I had brought so much strength and anger into my voice. She seemed scared, she asked me -Are you going insane? That set my mind on other tracks, it made me start thinking that maybe that thing was just a part of my imagination. I told her to leave. I didn’t want her there anymore… I didn’t want her here RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE. I wanted to hurt her… But I didn’t want to at the same time, I was afraid for what I might be going to do. She didn’t leave at first, then I hit her, I said with a very aggressive voice. -I told you to GET OUT! I didn’t realize my son was still there, both of them ran out of the room, she grabbed Daniel, and took him out of the room. The rest of the day I just sat there. I sat there, thinking about what I had done, what had happened to me. I sat there for about 4 hours, until I just went to sleep, I didn’t care about my son. I fell asleep rather quickly, even though all the things I had on my mind. The next day when I woke up I could remember my dreams strangely well, I could remember see-ing that face, having to look at it. It felt as if it had destroyed me, as if it had took everything from me, but I didn’t want it back. I didn’t care about what would happen after this, everything just felt so strange, so wrong, it felt as if life had lost all meaning, I didn’t care what would happen after this, I left my room without putting on my clothes and just poured up some cereal, I felt like I wanted to hurt something, I felt like everything… all of my emotions had been emptied… You know anger? The feeling you hate to experience… Well… it felt as if it was missing… I wanted to experience it… I wanted my emotions back and it felt as if this was the only way to get my mind back… Or was this the only way for my mind to escape from me… I started eating the cereal but it felt tasteless… The only thing that I could think about was that face. Why was this thing haunting me? Can it ever stop? I didn’t know why it was doing it; I didn’t know what I had done to it. I didn’t know what it wanted from me, maybe it didn’t want something from me, maybe it wanted me. The soul ripping stare it had, the stare! It was always with me, it never left, it never stopped looking at me, or maybe it wasn’t there, maybe I was just going mad. I wasn’t sure if it was a human with a mask or just some creature. I was just staring in to the wall…Thinking. My thoughts were disturbed by my little boy grabbing my arm, shaking it… I looked at him, I didn’t even notice him entering the room, I looked back at him, I smiled. I I smiled, in an effort to imitate what I remembered of this emotion. No idea if it was convincing enough, as I couldn't remember how it was supposed to be. My son asked me, -Dad, Why do you look so strange. I answered him in the only way I could that sounded real, emotionlessly. -Nothing’s wrong honey. He said: -Dad, can I go play at James’s house today? I answered him with a determined voice: -Sure you can, can you just go up here and give your father a hug? He climbed up into my lap and just sat there. I hugged him, I couldn’t feel any love for my son, I couldn’t feel anything. It just felt as if I could kill him at this moment and I wouldn’t care. It felt so wrong. It didn’t feel at all... My son left the room without saying “Bye”. I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to feel anything. I picked up the bowl, and smashed it to the table, it shattered and all the small pieces flew all over the room, the little piece I held in my hand cut my fingers, I started squeezing it, it started bleeding. My hand didn’t hurt, it just kept bleeding… I saw the figure again. Through the window, it looked, happier this time. I got scared. I felt… But it didn’t make me happy like I thought it would. It didn’t bring me any emotions, it didn’t fulfill my cravings, I left my house, I wanted to do some-thing else, something new. It felt as if it was my instinct to do this. I wanted to find my Anna.

I walked to her house and opened her door without knocking. She just stood there staring at me, I said “Hi” She just kept staring at me, she looked afraid. She went over to me, and asked me in a rather harsh tone, what is that thing that keeps following me?! I didn’t answer her. I thought it was just me going insane at first, but maybe it wasn’t… Maybe it was with everyone, the thing wasn’t just a part of my imagination… It was real… Where did it come from… this being… and how would I stop it… My mind started talking to me, at least that’s what it felt like… Something said to me, deep inside my mind, That I need to hurt something or someone… I ran towards her… It was looking at me, judging me… That was what it wanted me to do… I gripped my hands around her neck… I started pushing them together harder and harder… I started choking her… She tried to scream as I pushed the last air out of her lounges… You could almost feel as the last of her life left her body… I left the room… Smiling… It had finally… made me happy… I was finally. Alive. It had only been a few hours since the feelings got… well… it felt like they had been stolen from me… But it felt like it had been so long…

The feeling didn’t last for long… Just when it stopped… I saw  the face flash before my eyes. I then realized… The thing… It was stealing my feelings… It was… Taking everything away from me… I realized that if I shouldn’t have killed her… I realized that I shouldn’t have destroyed my life… I got my feelings back… As if it wanted to mock me… I started crying… I had killed my girlfriend and the mother of my only child. I ran home… Not looking back a single bit… I started trying to make sense of it… I hadn’t been thinking too much of what had been happening. I realized that the thing... was a creation of my own… I started to remember… I started to remem-ber what I had done… I tried to block it out of my memory. That’s how I created it… I put all of my bad emotions into it… It stole my feelings so that I wouldn’t need to feel this anymore. So I didn’t need to feel this guilt… This pain… I killed a man, when I was in Paris. I killed him because… I killed him because of what he done to me… He put me on the verge of insanity… He said he wanted me to stop… He said I would regret what I was doing… I thought that he was just trying to scare me… To keep me from killing him… Someone knocked on the door. I wasn’t going to open the door. What if it was the police. What if it was someone else. I then heard a loud noise, then a scream. It didn’t sound like some officer, it sounded like a child. I went to my door, I opened it slightly and looked out. I could see my son lying there, on the floor, dead. And above him was that fucking face. I screamed. I ran. I ran right out of the house and I smashed the window. I jumped through, I didn’t care about the glass I landed on, I didn’t care about how it destroyed my feet, I didn’t care about my son, I didn’t care about how I’d left him dead there on the floor… I knew it was my fault, I knew it was I who had created that thing that one dark night there in Paris. I knew there was no escape for anyone for this thing I had created. I had given all my anger… A form… All my anger on everyone I had ever known was right there in that fucking thing… I didn’t want to hurt anymore people. So I just started to relax… I could feel the emotions leaving me… It was just. As if. My mind... left me. I didn’t want to feel anymore… I didn’t want to kill anymore. I didn’t want to … I didn’t want anything anymore. I just stared at that face, the way it had stared at me, in that same emotionless way.