Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20170804192359/@comment-4849011-20170805190622

I'm happy to do it! :-D

Okay, first things first. “Actually,''' two monsters to be exact,” Mizaki the Know-it-All explained. “The Far Liath who caused the freak storms and thick fog…”- I looked at them skeptically with folded arms.
 * She had died in her sleep shortly after midnight on Thursday, June 21; the same time summer officially kicks off with the summer solstice.- She had died in her sleep shortly after midnight on Thursday, June 21- the same time summer officially kicks off with the summer solstice.
 * She also consumes fantasy and horror comics by the trunkful as well as classic weird and fantastic literature, one of which she showed me the werewolf/astral projection example titled The Camp of the Dog by Algernon Blackwood.- If The Camp of the Dog is a short story or poem, it needs to be in quotation marks. If it’s a novel, it needs to be in italics
 * She also showed me a slew of information from astral bodies to thought forms on the Internet including stuff her various pen pals posted on these true tales/let’s not meet weirdoes, monsters, etc. websites.- I think it’s “weirdos”, with one “e”.
 * However, she assured me, I wasn’t one to make stuff up, and unlike Amanda, who’s a bit of a scatterbrain, and I seemed to be a generally sensible and rational individual.- However, she assured me, I wasn’t one to make stuff up, and unlike Amanda, who’s a bit of a scatterbrain, I seemed to be a generally sensible and rational individual.
 * Of course, it could have been just someone punking us both, and somewhere on YouTube, there are video clip of the actual pranks.- It should be either “there is a video clip” or “there are video clips”.
 * You wake up with a strong sense of foreboding; and you know that things will turn sour the moment you step outside.- You wake up with a strong sense of foreboding, and you know that things will turn sour the moment you step outside.
 * Piles of luggage were haphazardly stacked in the broad collage parking lot, and still people were streaming in all directions.- Piles of luggage were haphazardly stacked in the broad college parking lot, and still people were streaming in all directions.
 * Pushing open the door, I got out, while Dad opened the back and began unloading the essential stuff I needed for my two week stay at Camp Kim-Tu: plenty of light summer clothes, sun lotion, Deet bug repellent and books and sketch pads for when I wasn’t doing entries and writing exercises.- Pushing open the door, I got out, while Dad opened the back and began unloading the essential stuff I needed for my two week stay at Camp Kim-Tu: plenty of light summer clothes, sun lotion, DEET bug repellent and books and sketch pads for when I wasn’t doing entries and writing exercises.
 * It felt good, but I knew this refreshing breeze wasn't going to last once we reached the mountains and by the time we get to the Willow Creek Writer’s Camp, it was going to be stifling hot and muggy.- It felt good, but I knew this refreshing breeze wasn't going to last once we reached the mountains and by the time we got to the Willow Creek Writer’s Camp, it was going to be stifling hot and muggy.
 * I was just glad I didn’t stow my delicate camera and binoculars in my backpack and not in my suitcase, which had already been buried into the massive collection of baggage.- I was just glad I’d stowed my delicate camera and binoculars in my backpack and not in my suitcase, which had already been buried into the massive collection of baggage.
 * Lately, there has been a rash of missing pets and poultry, whether it was one of theft or just typical running off during the July 4th fireworks, nobody had a clue.- Lately, there had been a rash of missing pets and poultry. Whether it was one of theft or just typical running off during the July 4th fireworks, nobody had a clue. Or Lately, there had been a rash of missing pets and poultry; whether it was one of theft or just typical running off during the July 4th fireworks, nobody had a clue.
 * Of course, there were the usual complaints to the police, various residents pointing their fingers at the usual suspects--the teenage pranksters and budding criminal masterminds (my sisters included), the local hard-rock garageband (particularly the one my albino cousin--Yukiko started), the Goths, Emos, Scene, and Stoners as well as any foreign emigrant, especially the Chalmers.- Of course, there were the usual complaints to the police, various residents pointing their fingers at the usual suspects--the teenage pranksters and budding criminal masterminds (my sisters included), the local hard-rock garage band (particularly the one my albino cousin—Yukiko-- started), the Goths, Emos, Scene, and Stoners as well as any foreign emigrant, especially the Chalmers.
 * Just about everyone in town thought the missionary family from Australia was especially strange for not only were they all blonde and met every “normality” standard from the 1950s. They were always on the happy side, and so damned perfect with their Ned Flanders-sort of Christian whitebread lifestyle.- Just about everyone in town thought the missionary family from Australia was especially strange for not only were they all blonde and met every “normality” standard from the 1950s, but also they were always on the happy side, and so damned perfect with their Ned Flanders-sort of Christian white bread lifestyle.
 * However, their efforts were to no avail for within months, the creature began growing to an incredible rate.- However, their efforts were to no avail for within months, the creature began growing at an incredible rate.
 * Its eyes grew huge and red as it broke out of its prison and made good its escape into the dark forest area around town, venturing forth to devour domestic animals before eventually, turning its murderous attention on various townsfolk including its entire family.- Its eyes grew huge and red as it broke out of its prison and made good its escape into the dark forest area around town, venturing forth to devour domestic animals before eventually turning its murderous attention on various townsfolk, including its entire family.
 * I looked at them skeptically with '''folded arms.

“Actually, two monsters to be exact,” Mizaki the Know-it-All explained. “The Far Liath who caused the freak storms and thick fog…”
 * “Yeah, sure. Uh-huh,” I said with a suspicious frown, “And I suppose this Frankenstein kid also killed those two girls on Azalea Ave. as well?” “Yeah, well…that was due to lightning,” said Izumi, frowning. “Said so in the paper.”- “Yeah, sure. Uh-huh,” I said with a suspicious frown, “And I suppose this Frankenstein kid also killed those two girls on Azalea Ave. as well?”

“Yeah, well…that was due to lightning,” said Izumi, frowning. “Said so in the paper.”
 * UNKNOWN CURTISVILLE “CRYPTIC” MENACES NEIGHBORING COMMUNITIES—CONNECTION WITH RECENT OCT. KILLINGS?- Did you mean “cryptid”, or is it quoting someone who called it a cryptic instead of a cryptid?
 * Instead I noticed their demeanor have suddenly changed.- Instead I noticed their demeanor had suddenly changed.
 * Finally Izumi spoke. “Well, no…there’s no other monster in Willow Creek to worry about…other than Big Foot. We didn’t quite tell you everything about those two girls that got hit by lightning last October—“- You need to fix the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
 * “Besides, all that weird crap that was going on Azalea and Hewitt Rd.?”- “Besides all that weird crap that was going on Azalea and Hewitt Rd.?”
 * Izumi shook her head. “We didn’t find nothin’. No prints, scratches. Nothin’. “Her tone turned to indignation as she eyed the other two.- You need to fix the quotation mark between “Nothin’” and “Her tone”.
 * I turned and noted the blanched faces of Izumi and Mizaki; then turned back to look at Kyoto’s tense expression.- I turned and noted the blanched faces of Izumi and Mizaki, then turned back to look at Kyoto’s tense expression.
 * “Three times we heard it,” she went on, “and when we pulled open the curtain and looked out a second time, there was something looking back. A face was pressed up against the glass. It was pitch-black, but we could see still see enough because it was pale-gray and luminous-looking, but I knew who it was—it was Jane Woodley’s face, no one else in town had a big-eyed, pudgy baby face with a curly, cropped really short hairdo.”- “Three times we heard it,” she went on, “and when we pulled open the curtain and looked out a second time, there was something looking back. A face was pressed up against the glass. It was pitch-black, but we could see still see enough because it was pale-gray and luminous-looking, but I knew who it was—it was Jane Woodley’s face. No one else in town had a big-eyed, pudgy baby face with a curly, cropped really short hairdo.”
 * Eventually, it got so bad that we didn’t bother trying to correct her anymore, we all decided to ignore her completely, hoping that maybe she would just get bored and bother someone for a change.- Eventually, it got so bad that we didn’t bother trying to correct her anymore. We all decided to ignore her completely, hoping that maybe she would just get bored and bother someone for a change.
 * Well, she did eventually leave, but not on her own accord and now she was haunting my sisters, although at the time, they probably didn’t know she had just had her mortal coil severed in a rather dramatic and violent fashion.- Well, she did eventually leave, but not on her own accord, and now she was haunting my sisters, although at the time, they probably didn’t know she had just had her mortal coil severed in a rather dramatic and violent fashion.
 * “It remained me of raw bread dough,” Kyoto continued on, “soft and pale as a mushroom and then these two hands appeared below this thing’s face. The right one was definitely Jane’s being all puffy with short, stubby fingers, but the left didn’t belong at all…it was long with slim fingers and I recognized it immediately as belonging to that Constance chick.”- “It remained me of raw bread dough,” Kyoto continued on, “soft and pale as a mushroom and then these two hands appeared below this thing’s face. The right one was definitely Jane’s, being all puffy with short, stubby fingers, but the left didn’t belong at all…it was long with slim fingers and I recognized it immediately as belonging to that Constance chick.”
 * “Because she had syndactyly,” Mizaki blurted out, causing me to jump. “She showed me both her hands when I was at the dog park once, the last two fingers were fused together on each hand.”- “Because she had syndactyly,” Mizaki blurted out, causing me to jump. “She showed me both her hands when I was at the dog park once. The last two fingers were fused together on each hand.” Or “Because she had syndactyly,” Mizaki blurted out, causing me to jump. “She showed me both her hands when I was at the dog park once; the last two fingers were fused together on each hand.”
 * Izumi immediately took over from Kyoto. “So there she was her weird ugly mug staring at us like one of those Oiwa ghost lanterns. Then Kyoto shot at it with a Leipzig flare gun, shattering the pane, and then in a wink it was gone.” My mouth dropped open as I looked back at Kyoto. “Leipzig flare gun? Where the hell did you get a powerful caliber flare gun at?”- Izumi immediately took over from Kyoto. “So there she was her weird ugly mug staring at us like one of those Oiwa ghost lanterns. Then Kyoto shot at it with a Leipzig flare gun, shattering the pane, and then in a wink it was gone.”

My mouth dropped open as I looked back at Kyoto. “Leipzig flare gun? Where the hell did you get a powerful caliber flare gun at?”
 * “What...you mean like hellhounds?” I had been watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayeraround that time, and the fifty-fourth episode involved hellhounds attacking a senior prom.- “What...you mean like hellhounds?” I had been watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer around that time, and the fifty-fourth episode involved hellhounds attacking a senior prom.
 * “Of course she’s not a flake!” Amanda suddenly exclaimed, looking irately up from her ipad.- “Of course she’s not a flake!” Amanda suddenly exclaimed, looking irately up from her iPad.
 * "Well, you're just a gullible thirteen-year-old!” Vanessa reminded her. "And not even supposed to on those creepy story websites."- "Well, you're just a gullible thirteen-year-old!” Vanessa reminded her. "And not even supposed to be on those creepy story websites."
 * Its shriveled, blackened digits clutched a torn and dirty photo, like the one mentioned in the story showing those girls hovering in space in front what looked like an old stone wall, blurry watery smears for faces.- Its shriveled, blackened digits clutched a torn and dirty photo, like the one mentioned in the story showing those girls hovering in space in front of what looked like an old stone wall, blurry watery smears for faces.

As for the story, oh, shoot, the body count is rising! Is there a chance that in the future we'll find out who all these girls in the picture are and what ties them together? Is this the clique that was mentioned a couple times in the Lonesome Road series? One thing that struck me about this is how there's a sort of Choose Your Own Adventure scenario. If you follow one branch, Kes is mysteriously transported to a pirate ship. If you follow another, she's drawn into the events of the Lonesome Road series. The Double is an interesting and frightening concept, and it reminds me of some folktales. I enjoyed the joking description of Ellie being dead, the description of the Double, and the way you tied these stories together.