Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25421326-20160803161938/@comment-24101790-20160803163853

Starting with the basics, poems tend to stick to a set pattern in their stanzas. You frequently shift from cinquains to tercets and then to quatrains which really impacts the flow and impedes the rhyming scheme. Keeping it in a set pattern with a set rhyme scheme (you tend to switch up your rhyming pattern in your stanzas as well.

Speaking of rhyming schemes, there are a lot of slant/improper rhymes here. (found/gown, car/bars, walls/walls, meal/healed) Rhymes help with the lyrical flow of a poem, but when they don't fit, they tend to derail the flow of the poem.

Capitalization issues: Don't forget that lines need to be properly capitalized. Feel free to look at the poetry section for examples. It should look like this:

And they shoved me in, my (My) vision would spin, for (for) I had condoned a sin.

Flow: There seem to be a number of instances where lines come off as awkward. "I chose a nice meal, / my strength it had healed,", "And they shoved me in, / my vision would spin, / for I had condoned a sin. (Firstly, I'm not sure what you mean by them accepting or allowing the sin as you imply. Did he have prior knowledge of the suited man's intentions and allow the crimes to happen?)", etc.

Finally, there really isn't a sense of conclusion here. The man is committed to an asylum for a crime that they didn't commit and then they're released ("They gave me a pill, / I felt rather ill ... / and I was released from the white padded walls."). There really doesn't seem to be much story or explanation here which really weakens the poem. I'm sorry, but this poem is not really up to our quality standards as there are a lot of issues with the format, capitalization, rhyme schemes, flow, and plot issues. Feel free to read this in-depth guide for more explanation.