Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24490614-20150625035334/@comment-26007602-20150625192541

Make sure you're in source mode when you edit, otherwise it may lead to formatting errors like this. You also don't need to indent your paragraphs on this site, as it also screws with the formatting. Also, you may want to format this in such a way that it's clear these are audio logs or journal entries, as it wasn't clear from the beginning and gave the story a rather choppy flow.

It's an interesting premise, I'll give you that, but it needs more. The first narrator's maternal change is too abrupt and there should really be some more background information stuffed inside there. Currently, he has an entry saying, "I feel strange", and then immediately jumps to "I am becoming a woman." (As a side note, I have no idea why you don't type out testosterone instead of "T") There needs to be more build up to such an event and more time in between. You need to give us some detail as to what is going on in the background so the reader can try to piece together what is happening. Currently, there's no implication in the beginning that a parasite is somehow infecting the world and causing people to change. You're a bit literal with the "Something's beneath my skin" line, but there should really be more than that, as that line doesn't help the reader figure out what's going on. There should also be a reason this guy is suddenly keeping a journal.

You should find another way to introduce the Rhizo into the story because the current way is too abrupt. It only seems to be there to give the first half of the story context and is explained too quickly. You need to stretch it out so the researcher doesn't say something along the lines of, "This is what my team has been studying, this is what it does, and this is what is happening to mankind." It's a deus ex machina for the story to make sense.

The Rhizo description could also use some work. How did it become a human parasite? That seems like an important plot detail you just glossed over. How does it make these behavioral changes in people? Why is it here? What physical changes (other than tot he genitals) does it make to people?

The story is hurt a bit because this Rhizo thingy isn't common knowledge. For example, if another story had a premise centered around starfish DNA being used to regrow limbs, we understand the idea because most know that starfish can regrow limbs. But here, we have no idea what a Rhizocephalan barnacle is and you have to waste space explaining it. For that reason, I sort of recommend removing all references to the barnacle and instead creating your own parasite so that you can play around with it a bit more and not have to explain what it is so much. You can totally base it off the barnacle, as the effects of it are good story material, but using your own parasite means you don't need to tell me what the barnacle is and how it affects sea life. Just a suggestion (Hope that made sense; I feel it was kind of messy getting my point across).

Best of luck in the revisions!