Talk:Your Body and You/@comment-4715955-20160715080343

It's definitely better and more focused than the Niki story. The character background stuff actually has a purpose, like explaining his love of riffing old VHS tape, and how it leads to him finding the Baker tape. Charlie himself seems a little bit crazy-for-the-sake-of-it without much rhyme or reason to why he does what he does, and I'd like to have seen a bit more consistency with his lunacy. The end is a bit of an anticlimax, but so is a lot of investigative journalism, so I guess it fits.

The dialogue issue I mentioned in the other review is here as well: Charlie's speech to Tabitha being given one line at a time, which at first makes it seem like he and Tabitha are talking. If you want to break up the speech into smaller paragraphs you could instead describe Charlie's actions as he speaks to drag out the tension. Anything to keep the reader from having to stop and re-read for clarity's sake.

It didn't blow me away, but it kept my interest and I didn't have to force myself to read through to the end like with most pastas. Could be pretty good with some more proofreading and refinement, to give it a bit more punch, and a bit more realism.