Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37467875-20190122044408/@comment-35711173-20190122065833

TheBlankfacedone,

Welcome to the Writer's Workshop! You will get many opinions here. While you may disagree with some given, always remember that everyone who gives them is taking time away from their own creative work to try to help you.

I do two things in a review. The first is to go through the creepypasta's use of the English language. The second is criticism on the actual story. Of the two, the highest priority has to be the use of English. You may have a really wonderful idea but if the audience can't understand it then they can't understand it.

I see that you have taken my advice and fixed the majority of the basic level Grammarly errors. That helps a lot. You haven't gone through https://www.scribens.com/ and used that to find the run-on sentences. You need to do so. They do hurt comprehension.

I am going to go through just one paragraph carefully.

TheBlankfacedone wrote:

I guess some people heard and a man said “Yeah that is a bad idea folk.”, we looked at him and I asked: “What.” “I said that is a bad idea. People who did return from those mountains are traumatized from their experience.” “How so?” I asked with a hint of doubt. “They claim that monsters live up there.” Jacob simply chuckled at his story, “That's baloney!” he explained before taking a final swig of his beer and sat up. “I’m ready to go, folk, are you?”, I and Linda simply nodded in response. We got up and were about to leave but not before the man grabbed me and said: “Be careful”.

You have three people speaking dialogue in that one paragraph. This is very much against the rules of English. Here is my breaking up of the paragraph to follow the normal rules of English.

I guess some people heard and a man said: “Yeah that is a bad idea folk.”

We looked at him and I asked: “What.”

“I said that is a bad idea. People who did return from those mountains are traumatized from their experience.”

“How so?” I asked with a hint of doubt.

“They claim that monsters live up there.”

Jacob simply chuckled at his story. “That's baloney!” he explained before taking a final swig of his beer and sat up. “I’m ready to go, folk, are you?”

I and Linda simply nodded in response. We got up and were about to leave but not before the man grabbed me and said: “Be careful”.

--

That's your paragraph and your words, with little or nothing changed but dividing the paragraph up and adding punctuation.

I cleaned it up somewhat, reducing the number of premium Grammarly errors from four to one.

--

I guess some people heard. A man said: “Yeah that is a bad idea folk.”

We looked at him. I asked, “What?”

“I said that is a bad idea. People who did return from those mountains are traumatized from their experience.”

“How so,” I asked with a hint of doubt.

"They claim that monsters live up there."

Jacob chuckled at his story. “That's baloney,” he explained before he took a final swig from his beer. “I’m ready to go, folks. Are you?”

Linda and I nodded in response. We got up and were about to leave but not before the man grabbed me and said: “Be careful”.

--

After going through it for a while, I came up with this:

--

A tall old man stared deeply into my eyes. “Yeah, that is a dumb idea.” We looked at him. I asked, “What?”

“Everyone knows Mount Homer drives people crazy.”

“Have you gone up,” I asked with a hint of doubt.

He laughed coldly. “Oh no. I’ve seen too many try. The last ones said Mount Homer is the path to Hell and Satan himself lives up there. Those that lived to come back.”

Jacob chuckled at his story. “That’s baloney,” he explained before he took a final swig from his beer. “I’m ready to go, folks. Are you?”

Linda and I nodded in response. We were leaving when the old man grabbed my collar and said: “Be careful,  Son.”

---

I think that reads better. Compare the versions.

On to the story. A couple goes where they are told not to go and they get into something horrible. Why do they go there? I lose credibility there. I don't care if bears ate them, they got caught in an avalanche or what. Four people just died up there and the locals say to stay away. I'm going to listen. Yet against all advice, the three of them go to the mountain with a death wish.

WHY do they go? Just to add another chapter to the local legend?

You're going up into bear country in Alaska. You should be toting both cans of bear spray and some pretty heavy firepower.

It sounds like there is a tunnel right off the road that these monsters hang out at. Obviously, it's easy to find. How come nobody has sent the cops up and raided the place?