Ignorance

What is worse, inflicting harm intentionally, or through ignorance? I’m sure you immediately thought of the answer when reading that question, but to be unaware of the damage you inflict is perhaps an even greater crime than intending one itself.

My life was never perfect, but I was more or less happy. Despite a tough childhood, I had managed to get through school with reasonable grades. Like so many, my friendship circle had shrunk throughout the years of my youth, but I still had a small selection of people I believed I could rely on. I managed to get a job in a call centre and while I won’t claim it was thrilling, work is work and it helped me get by. I rented a shared house and overall, I was content.

But that is when things started to change. I was never outgoing or confident. As time went by at work, I noticed people would shun me and whisper behind my back. When things went wrong at work and management required an explanation, my colleagues started taking it in turns to lie about me being responsible for said failings, despite my innocence.

I protested against this, but management did not care to listen. It was a huge company and it soon became clear that I was nothing but a number to them. Worse still, it felt like even the managers themselves started to look down on me due to these lies. But it did not stop at that. I noticed how often my items would go missing from my desk, people would play practical jokes on me often involving me getting soaked or humiliated, and occasionally even my car was subject to vandalism.

As the months went by, even bullying me at work was not enough for my so-called friends. Long ago when I saw eye to eye with these people, I added them on Facebook or to the mobile contacts. Now, my evenings are plagued with abusive messages and nasty comments on my posts.

All of this left me scared and alone. I spent my time at work anxious, waiting for the next “joke” or the next time blame would be placed on me. I would leave the building dreading what new damage had been inflicted upon my car. All the while I heard the name calling, and felt my phone vibrate with the incoming abuse both during, and outside of work hours. I would spend my evenings self harming and crying myself to sleep. No one in my family cared to hear my cries for help, nor did any of my old school friends. I felt completely isolated and worthless.

Eventually I lost my job and only source of income. The eviction notice came swiftly when I failed to make the months’ rent, and soon I faced the very real prospect of being homeless.

The only way I escaped all of this was by spending hour after hour playing online games. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? But at the very least, in the gaming world, it felt like I could escape my problems. It felt like I had online friends who genuinely cared about me.

Finally I broke down to one such online friend, I let it all out. How I was bullied at work, how I lost my job, and was facing eviction. While he always seemed like a cool guy, we had never spoken about anything personal before. I should have known it would be a risk. He came back with stupid suggestions like “just be happy” and “turn your phone off.” When I reacted angrily, he accused me of throwing his help back in his face and that if I’m so unhappy maybe I should just kill myself.

He’ll never know why it will always say “offline” next to my name from this day forth. Ignorance will be his bliss, and the final act that tied the noose around my neck.