User talk:DubstepTwitchFox

Why Your Story Was Deleted
Starting from the top.

The story is poorly written. The first three paragraphs are completely unnecessary. What do they do? We don't need to know what Mink looks like at the very start and we really don't need a whole paragraph about sliding down rails. Don't tell us Mink is loved, show us through the writing. Also, these paragraphs damage the tone. You're establishing that Mink is happy, that her dad loves her, then immediately making the story explode with abuse.

The father is practically a cartoon. He's so ridiculously evil for no reason other than that he is. It causes eye-rolling.

Again, poor writing. Instead of going in depth with Mink hiding, you're glossing over everything. It reads like a summary and not a story. Tell us of a specific time, not the issue in general.

And again, the dad is so over-the-top. It sounds like he's basically doing wrestling moves on a 5-year-old. Someone would notice and the kid would probably be dead. Also, no 5-year-old is going to just walk around with broken bones or open wounds. It's painful. Also, again, it's so extreme and needs to be treated that someone somewhere will notice.

"But that wasn't it. That wasn't all." What is this? What is the point of this?

"Mink, now 6 years old, was found with her father" found by who? This whole paragraph is a mess. How are the police finding these things out? The state doesn't take the kids away? This is a serious situation that the mom let happen. Suddenly there's a baby. Also, the mom is raising three kids on her own? Kids cost money. A new baby isn't exactly a blessing for someone in this situation. This whole part seems very juvenile and like you don't have a good grasp of how these things go. You need to do some research to avoid looking silly.

"On the way, they stopped for chips and soda, which Mink never got so much, but her aunt had just enough money to spare." Why is this important? Why are you telling us this?

"Once at the antique store, they all looked around in disbelief, for everything was very much old, looking like it had been there in the store for ages." Kind of the definition of an antique.

The mask is where the cliches start to pile up. We already have a kid who has been abused/bullied, now they get a weird white mask. It's obvious where this story is going, it feels very familiar.

Then the baby and the aunt die. Again, glossing over everything. More than that, it feels like you're trying way too hard to make us feel bad for Mink. It's just so many COMPLETELY AWFUL THINGS!!!! happening for no reason. Glossing over it doesn't help either. It reads like this happened, isn't that a shame?, then this happened and that's a shame, too.

""You made him leave me all alone. Why?" Mink said" What? We never get any idea that this new girl had anything to do with what happened.

This story is very long. I'm not going to go through all of it, step-by-step, but I think you can start to get the idea. The main reason is was deleted was because it was cliche. Abused/bullied kid murders their family and becomes a weird mass murderer. That's the plot of 1,000 pastas. At on to it poor grammar, poor plotting and poor style in general and it creates a lot of problems.

I would recommend you read more books, see how people tell stories, see how they draw people in, see how they build a character. And keep practicing.

We have a writer's workshop on our forum where you can post your story and get feedback. You might want to try that as well. I hope this was helpful. I know it might seem harsh, but this is how you get better.

--ImGonnaBeThatGuy (talk) 21:13, May 29, 2014 (UTC)