Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26444401-20160203085851/@comment-26007602-20160206004807

Alright, so the first I have to say is that you shouldn't indent your paragraphs. It causes formatting issues on this site and just shouldn't be done here. I don't actually have too much to say about the grammar of this piece, so let's jump right into story.

This story is... uncomfortable, but not in a good way. With all the rampant talk of sex and blowjobs, I can't see any reason for them to be in the story. You spend an entire "chapter" of your story talking about these characters blowing each other, but it doesn't really add anything at all. It doesn't add to the characters; you could sum up their relationships in one or two line or through dialogue. You spend way too much time on these characters fucking each other instead of giving the reader any reason to read further.

I don't think this is a good opening "chapter." There's nothing to draw me in, no atmosphere, no underlying horror; the "chapter" barely sets up the conflict. It introduces all the characters, but does nothing to flesh them out or give me insight to their personalities; some are only mentioned once or twice (And will probably be the first ones to die). I'd jump right into the abandoned golf course immediately, with the kids sneaking in if you want to start off in an interesting way.

I'm reading these dialogues, and I just don't see any teenager talking like this. Who the hell gets caught having sex and says, "She likes my dick stuffing her". Who the hell would say that? What kind of self respecting young woman is going to say, "I like sucking your pale ginger dick"? These dialogues are just immature and make no sense. There's absolutely no reason for this story to be NSFW. The NSFW elements don't add to the horror, the story, or even really the characters. You could sum up their relationship with, "They were a pair of horny teenagers".

I get that this is only a first chapter. I just don't think it needs to exist at all. You could jump straight into them breaking in to the golf course without losing anything. I think it'd be even better as this is just some pretty cringey dialogue and shallow characters.