Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44605280-20200204202423/@comment-36627132-20200204211813

It would have helped if you would have added the story to this post rather than ask about it since the article in question is going to be deleted, so I posted it here for you and so others can help you out with it.

It was a sunny day in my neighborhood my kids were playing outside me and my wife sat on the porch napping. It was 1959. I work as a farmer and when I say farmer it’s not what you think we...don’t harvest plants nor crops but we.. harvest organs we operate on inmates at a asylum we buy them the most broken ones, the ones no one cares about we harvest them and sell the organs and burn the body’s in a ceremonial burner and we repeat this it’s good money that we make the organs go to different groups ones that experiment on humans and animals alike I am not 100 percent sure what they do or try to do but that’s not my business I have my job they have there’s.

I started my job 7 years back after I finished my degree in medical health and human anatomy. I was approached by a man who worked with my father. My father you see died years before in an incident involving an inmate. I found out that my father was an organ harvester too. Me and the other 40 operators work under the asylum no one but us and other staff of our operation and asylum workers know about it its perfect for what we do large freezers, operating rooms, and of course large ovens we use to let’s just say is used to remove evidence after an operation. Our job is not the most easy one to say the least we cannot damage any organs other wise we can’t sell them and the inmates aren’t always the most compliant and we have had a few incidents with a fellow doctor dying after a inmate acquires a scalpel or bone saw but other than that we run Business quite esely we don’t have trouble with the cops and it’s not hard to sell our product and the best parts are my family haven’t a clue of what I do and I make good money and my son's college tuition is paid off as long as he becomes like me, a harvester.

July 2nd 1959

Today we had a good harvest. A young inmate we bought for cheap put up no struggle and his organs were perfect. They will sell well To our many buyers in all we will make 60k off him good money for an easy and cheap harvest. It only took us 2 hours to remove all organs and burn the body.

July 5th 1959

We’re now opening up an inmate an young one today we won’t burn the body but we’re selling it to a local cult along with the organs separately I think I have an idea of what they will do with it all but i won’t be asking too many questions as they are paying us 95k for the body and all, ware they get the money I’m not sure but it’s a good sell either way.

July 5th 1959 leader that day

My wife is getting suspicious of what I’m doing at my job. She found my tool kit I had forgotten to wash them off. I'm worrying I might have to get rid of her perhaps I can get her stuck in the asylum and harvest her.

July 10th 1959

It’s done we got away with harvesting her and no one knows the wiser I feel lucky I got away with it were selling her organs tomorrow I’ll update my diary soon.

July 10th 1959

The world is coming apart there is now nuclear threats coming from the ussr and I’m quite worried about what might happen will they launch nuclear missiles at us an i in danger if they do as our town is right next to Washington D.C. our underground operating area is now our safe place as it’s now our bunker we have stocked some food down there only me my co workers and the asylum i employees know about it I’ll update soon.

July 11th 1959

NO I can’t figure out what’s happening we were in our operation area under the asylum and we herd loud booms coming from above we stopped the operation to see what happened but...we can’t it’s been 2 hours now and we’re trapped down here there are still booms that we can hear perhaps the asylum is under lock down perhaps a riot I’m not sure I hope it all turns out fine we can’t get above because the doors were locked from the outside for reasons in not sure of the lock should disable with in some time but we’re not sure when I’ll update later.

July 11th 1959 Later that day The booming and screaming is done but we still have not been let out I’m worrying every minute what if the nukes fell from the sky we only have so much food down here Please god please I don’t wanna die. I pray we'll be fine.

July 20th

We and the 8 others are going crazy. We are sitting down here with rotting bodies we have gone through all of our food. We might have to eat the decaying bodies.

July 21st

We are all sick we ate the organs out of the body’s and now it smells so unbearable down here I’m starting to debate if I should end myself right now..no I can’t I have to keep going perhaps we can find a way out.

July 25th

I’ve killed the others I locked them in the freezer room and they all ran out of air. Now I have more food for myself I will feast on them in a bit.

July 29th

5 of them when bad and rotten but the rest I ate the freezer stoped working the day we were trapped in this hell hole now I did find a way out so this will be my last i hope to survive after I’m out of here I plan on crawling up the incinerator shaft and up out of the chimney wish me luck.

shortly after the man crawled up through the incinerator he got stuck in silt soon after it turned on as the disturbance of him crawling through the managed to activate the burners which was very much operational he died after 5 minutes of the incinerator running soon survivors of the bombs came after seeing the smoke and took refuge in the asylum as for the operator he remained in the chimney until the asylum crumbled to the ground after 78 years.

Here are the problems I've noticed with your story.

First of all, the title is not properly capitalized (it should be The Operator instead of The operator).

The story is riddled with spelling issues: typos (bodys, "at a asylum", "they have there’s", "5 of them when bad and rotten", stoped, etc.) improper and missing punctuation,

The ellipses (which are missing a dot and the space after them in most places) in the narration are unnecessary.

The story really isn't that creepy. We have the done to death plot about abusive hospital staff doing illegal things, which for no reasons shifts to being a story of survival.

The lack of detail of the goings-on makes it impossible to get into the story. We are simply told what happened, and since it is told by a character who was actually there, there is no excuse not to go into detail.

And just a suggestion, spell out numbers to give your story a more professional look.

Not to be rude or anything, but you said you made it in under thirty minutes, and it shows because of the lack of attention paid to the spelling and rushed plot.