Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33077235-20180926023609/@comment-33077235-20180926171451

NedWolfkin wrote: Spelling and Grammar Issues: "I remember playing this game on this system called Dream ‘n Play." should be "I remember playing this game on a system called Dream 'n Play." The seperation between messages is done awkwardly (I suggest you go to a real forum and learn from how it styles its messages). "I had it around Christmas." would make more sense if it were "I got it for Christmas." or at least "I got it around Christmas." I'm considering rather or not I should actually point out spelling and grammar issues because of the possibilty that the author can use the whole "It's on a forum, the character misspelled it" excuse. "I’m playing it the game I’m playing it" although I'm risking getting the aforementioned excuse, this is so redundant I thought I'd comment on it.

Plot Issues: First off, it takes place on a forum which, while not blacklisted, has been done to death and the only one that ever really did it right was Candle Cove. "Do you remember playing this game on this system?" speaking of Candle Cove, this line reminds me of "Does anyone remember this kid's show?" The first poster mentions that he remembers "this game" (implying one), then mentions another. One of the games is called Party Monster which reminds me of Monster Party for the NES. Then in this post (Larryberry06   6/8/13      7:52pm) Larryberry06 mentions that his parents thought his aunt sent it. The problem is that packages must have a return address, and it is never explained who sent it. The fact that when MasterProbro recieved his it already had a user makes this story reminiscent of BEN. Gearen's name is reminiscent of Candle Cove's Jaren_2005 and the fact that he has nightmares over it makes this story feel even more like a rip off of Candle Cove.

Plot Issues 2: "It was called The Quest of Life. Some name for a 'kids' game." I don't see anything wrong with it. Finally we learn what Party Monsters is about and it doesn't even sound that bad, in fact it kind of reminds me of Dracula for the Intellivision. Then you further cement this into a Candle Cove rip off with the whole kids-can-see-it-but-adults-only-see-a-blank-TV-screen deal. The fact that Masterprobro keeps asking if he should play it kind of destroys the mystery, you see one thing that made Candle Cove so mysterious was that there was no trace of it, this doesn't exist here as he has the console.

Plot Issues 3: You add yet another Candle Cove inspired theme: this taking place around a certain state or area. "I had to clean up the conversation yesterday people keep spamming like idiots." this seems pointless as it adds nothing to the plot. Then Masterprobro plays it and can see it so I'm assuming he still isn't an adult? Then you link to the image rather than posting it on the actual page. And in all honesty I fell that the "message in a foreign language" bit is cliche and needs to be banned.

Plot Issues 4: Not only is this a rip off of Candle Cove, it is also a rip off of Polybius. The great graphics, the military base, the secracy, the head aches and nightamres. Then in this post - Masterprobro --7/6/13--8:39pm - he starts mispelling words which in itself has become cliche. And if he is so sick why is he typing on a computer and not seeing a doctor?

All in all, it is a rip off of Candle Cove and Polybius with a mountain of spelling and grammar issues. When I was making this story I tried to make it sound like a real fourm and an added bit the instagram account is real. Never heard of Moster party and the story was inspired by candle cove so that's why it sound close I was trying to make a story like it but not look like a rip off this is old I'm currently working on Mr.Demise I see alot of people dislike this and I never knew the different language is cliche (people tend to over use things).