Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26437574-20171106045117/@comment-24101790-20171115164300

I'm sorry but there are still a lot of errors here (some of which were pointed out before).

Capitalization: "20 (Twenty) years ago, I went on a field trip with my school" You tend to improperly capitalize random words (note: this issue was mentioned previously) "The Bus pulled up at around 7:30AM, it looked pretty dirty on the outside",

You also forget to properly capitalize proper nouns. A proper noun is a specific place, person's name, brandname, etc. "We were going to a small camp called camp (Camp) Jasenburg", "“Hello welcome to camp (Camp) Jasenburg", "today for lunch we are serving our famous jasonburger (Jasenburger)!", "I woke up to see my classmate frank (Frank) staring at his window", etc.

Formatting: "they promised a luxury bus on the way there, and ,(no space needed) great food." You also cause a white box error by trying to indent the paragraph that begins with: "We were able to leave the cabins due to the possibility that there might be some chemical in the cabins" While it is accepted that paragraphs should be indented in literature, in wiki format, it causes formatting issues.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "shouldn’t have passed it’s last safety test", "it’s face looked not decaying", etc. Your=possession, you're=you are. "If your ever being attacked by a supernatural entity", "Oh Anne, come outside, I know your awake", etc.

Punctuation: As mentioned previously, you forget to use apostrophes to denote possessive words and contractions. "Frank tried to block the creature(')s claws,", "Frank(')s body was never found", "grandpa(')s sprit came out of the gemstone", "was able to overcome the creature(')s sheer evil.", "What he did next as unbelievable, he shoved it into the creature(')s eye", etc.

Run-on sentences: "First, I would like to explain that the reason it didn’t know I was awake or why it tried to kill me was because it turns out the gemstone my grandfather gave me before she died was actually enchanted with some sort of protection from darkness thing, that’s what she said at least, I could always feel something radiating within it, but I never paid much attention."

Spelling: This story is riddled with spelling errors. "the tree trekking defiantly (definitely) shouldn’t have passed it’s last safety test.", "Get away form (from) my window before I shove shoe nails up your ass!", "From within, he liked (licked?) the creature and its body turned to dust before benign (being) blown away.", "I wasn’t guilty, like beige (before?) they arrested some random guy and called it a day, but this time it was really over.", "He told me I’d live and that he’d always be with me to protect me fro my he evils of the afterlife", "a keepsake from a loved one will give you he ability to call them to pretext like", etc.

Awkward wording: "Me and Adrian watched a few movies in our phones during he drive", "we were all kept I quarantine inside our cabin, with our teachers too", "Something forced me to sleep, but I did.", "he ten punched the creature so hard it moved back 5 paces", etc. I would suggest getting someone else to read your story to help you catch these errors if English isn't your native language.

Story issues: The entire section with the note feels incredibly forced. ("It was a note, it gave a very serious warning, that I should have believed. “If anyone is unfortunate enough to be on this bus I have a warning. There is something in the camp. I don’t have much time so I can’t describe it, I can hear it, it knows where I am, don’t come to camp jasen…..”") First off, why wouldn't the students believe the note? It's covered in dried blood. Secondly, why would the bus driver be so dismissive? For a while I thought you were going for the idea that the camp was in cahoots with the monster (which really wouldn't make much sense either), but that doesn't happen either.

Story issues cont.: A lot of your story feels really contrived and misuses pronouns. "First, I would like to explain that the reason it didn’t know I was awake or why it tried to kill me was because it turns out the gemstone my grandfather gave me before she (?) died was actually enchanted with some sort of protection from darkness thing, that’s what she (?) said at least, I could always feel something radiating within it, but I never paid much attention." It feels really out of place that the protagonist just so happens to be carrying around a random deus-ex-machina gemstone.

Story issues end: A lot of the action scenes need a lot of re-tooling as they feel bland. "First, it just stabbed Adrian with its nails and left him to bleed. Then it charged at me, it swiped at me, and I was injured badly, but I could survive if only this thing went away." It comes off like a checklist being read in sequential order (You use "Then it/the creature 5+ times).

Conclusion: I'm sorry, but this still isn't up to quality standards. You repeat a lot of the same mistakes previously and there are new ones as well. The best suggestion I think I have is to read more stories on the site and books written and published as there are a number of fundamental issues here.