Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28841537-20160625053219

Hey,  so my story "Neptunian Storm" was deleted,  and I get why. so anyways,  it would be great If I could get some feedback and suggestions to make it not bad.

Here it is:

The following logs were found in a stray escape pod, found in the trans-neptunian void. They appear to come from a failed scouting mission, from around 720 years ago.

Captain’s Log, Entry 1 Today has been a great day for mankind, As we have finally set up a sustainable colony on mars! However, there seems to be an object quickly approaching the planet. It is giving off absurdly high Pym wave levels, and our instruments are malfunctioning! At this rate, the object is going to reach the light barrier! While the sheer amount of Pym waves is extremely dangerous, it may be very interesting to see an object reach the light barrier!

-Captain Piccolo, 2192

Captain’s Log, Entry 2

We seem to have pinpointed the origin of the object! It appears to be coming from the planet Neptune, a planet that has appeared to have a very large kinetic storm since the year 2016! I have informed Earth High Command of my discovery, and they have reassigned my team from colonizing mars, to investigate the origin of the object! We are set to leave in one earth week! This may be very interesting!

-Captain Piccolo, 2192

Captains Log, Entry 3

We have arrived at Neptune, and we are now orbiting the moon Triton. I have sent part of my team to scout the kinetic storm, of course wearing high end hazard suits as just a fraction of the Pym waves would horribly mutilate their bodies, ESPECIALLY this close to their origin. I am now awaiting their return, so we can log their discoveries.

-Captain Piccolo, 2192

Captain’s Log, Entry 4

It’s been 3 days… they haven’t came back yet. I fear something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. They were only supposed to be there for 6 hours, and yet they are still gone. We have tried to contact them, but when they answer, all that is heard is strange mumbling and static. This is bad. Very bad.

-Captain Piccolo, 2192

Captain’s Log, Entry 5

Well, they came back. They sort of came back. Their bodies came back. When they entered the ship, we did the standard decontamination and check-up procedure. I don’t know how to explain this, but uh… they show absolutely no vital signs. They aren’t breathing, they have no heartbeat. Nothing. We preformed an x-ray on one of them. Somehow, still NOTHING! I put them in lock down, just in case of some sort of parasitic mind worm.

-Captain Piccolo, 2192

Captain’s Log, Entry 6

Dear god, what the hell did I do to deserve this? We were just supposed to investigate a neptunium storm! I didn’t want any of this! As this is likely my last log, I feel I need to explain, for the sake of all humanity. So, it seems in the neptunium storm, there was life. Not very intelligent life, more like a parasitic, mind controlling, monster. It seems they lock into their victim, and they seize control of EVERYTHING. Once they lock onto you, its over. Don’t even struggle, that only makes it worse. Once they lock on, all vital signs disappear, and they gain superhuman strength. This is how they escaped the lock down chamber. After breaking out, they infected everyone on the ship, and ended up destroying the ships functions. The only reason I survived was I took an escape pod, and of course those have no communications. So for the sake of mankind, please, do not go to the storm!

-Captain Piccolo, 2192 