Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32071678-20140622204010/@comment-24841732-20140622213955

As always, I'll start with the biggest flaw. The dialouge feels very unrealistic, more like something in a B movie. I would work on that and try to improve it.

Secondly, you should probably re-write this in third person. When the main character dies, there is a moment of "What? Then how is he telling the story?".

I saw a large amount of small errors in your grammar. Nothing to major, but you HAVE to proof red your work. It's not something you can just skip. Also, read it out loud. There is a lot of weird phrasing in some of the sentences.

The last half of the story is very cliche. Between the notes, and the unexplained ghost, it's so generic it's almost funny. You should also ditch the ending. It's pointless and doesn't further the plot at all.