Talk:Her Red Right Hand/@comment-26030957-20160118170049

You know how I love it when you write noir so this was a real treat for me. As always great writing and another awesome addition to your collection of work.

I thought the scene where Darabont attacked Paul was written very well, though when the lights went out it made me giggle a little bit.

The opening scene sure reminded me of that movie Se7en: the blood soaked man walks into a police station and drops to his knees and puts his hands behind his head. Was that a reference to the movie?

You know, I'd think about introducing Paul as John's son in law earlier. It's kinda confusing as it stands. I had to read that first bit of dialogue with John and his daughter a couple of times and I couldn't figure it out. Very distracting. It's not until half way through the story that you state it clearly. Relying on your reader to fill in gaps like that can put a tremendous burden on them.

Also, I wouldn't have one of the first things out of John's daughter's mouth be "fuck" if you want us to sympathize and feel for her. There's really nothing about her personality in the story at all and the only thing we are left with knowing is that she uses curse words when talking to her father.

Just a couple of suggestions.