Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31482346-20170309155630/@comment-31482346-20170314191311

EmpyrealInvective wrote: There are a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, you need to have a full space between paragraphs otherwise it combines everything into one large paragraph. The largest issue are the numerous punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues. I should note that this is not a comprehensive list as there are quite a few here.

Capitalization: You have a tendency to improperly capitalize proper nouns and randomly capitalize words. “Sure, i’ll (I'll)be there in a few minutes”, "claws, It was hunched over and had too many joints in it’s body.", "“Come on, Let’s (let's) go to the city.", "I love animals, But (but) I don’t know what my parents would think about that", "I looked at my leg and saw a large gash on the back of my leg, Blood gushed out but I kept moving.", etc. Remember that unless the word is a proper noun (a place, person's name, brandname, etc) or it starts a sentence, it should not be capitalized.

Capitalization issues cont.: You also improperly capitalize a majority of your words after dialogue. "“Hey. Stop day dreaming” She (she) said", "“You won’t” She said.", "“Something wrong?” She asked.", “You can tell me” She (she) said.", "“I would like to have it but I don’t have the money for it” She (she) said.", etc. All of these are instances of the sentences continuing after dialogue. A helpful tip is to only capitalize a word after dialogue is if it is the start of a completely new sentence or a proper noun.

Punctuation: A lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation. "“Hey. Stop day dreaming” She said", "“You won’t” She said.", "“No, nothing’s wrong” I said.", "“I just had a bad dream last night after getting some random email” I said", "“You always liked video games” She said.", etc. Remember that dialogue needs punctuation and it needs to be the correct form, which brings us to the next point.

Punctuation issues cont.: The lines of dialogue you do punctuate tend to be improperly punctuated. "“Sorry, Haven’t gotten any sleep.” I said.", "“Wow, you’re actually studying.” She said.", "“I-I’m fine.” I said.", "“No, cheapest one I could find besides the ones in the basement.” I said.", etc. Only use a period if you are ending the sentence there. For example: "I said, “No, cheapest one I could find besides the ones in the basement.”".

Wording: There is a massive amount of repetition here. Yu have about one hundred lines of dialogue. Of those 100 lines, 75 end with 'he said/she said/I said'. It becomes really repetitive to use the same thing multiple times (sometimes numerous times in the same paragraph. "“Why not stay at my house for a few days? Just so I can keep an eye on you” She said. “I guess. If it’s alright with your parents” I said. “Don’t worry, they will love you” She said. I smiled. Emily then drove us to her house.".

Wording issues cont.: Your=possession, you're=you are. "You should get you're (your) mind off that dream” It's=it is, its=possession "It’s arms were long and had long sharp claws, It was hunched over and had too many joints in it’s body.", "It moved as if it’s legs were broken.", "It’s skin looked like black tar and was rotting.", "I looked up at it’s face, it was disfigured. It’s skull looked pushed in but I could still see it’s glowing white eyes.", etc.

Wording issues cont.: There are a lot of fragmented sentences here. “Hey. Stop day dreaming”, "I thought about getting into science.", "Or marine biology since I love animals", "Was that glowing white smile…", etc. A number of these should be combined so they don't feel start-and-stop. You also tend to try and make contractions out of words where it's not applicable in that context. "It want’s something, I don’t fucking know what, but it want’s something."

Story issues: A lot of your description here tends to be bland. Take lines:"I thought it was a prank so I deleted the email and fell asleep(.) I was dreaming that I was in a forest. It looked dead. Cobwebs and fog covered the forest. I walked through the forest until I saw something. I tried to focus on the thing but it was covered in shadow. I felt my heart sink as I kept staring at whatever it was." and "I saw something. It was only there for a split second so I wasn’t able to make out anything except for a tall figure." for example. The first instance is your opportunity to hook the audience into the story, but you need to paint a picture/environment for the audience to imagine themselves in. You also tend to use blurriness a lot to limit focus.

Story issues cont.: You need to space out your dialogue so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. This is done to prevent misattribution of who's saying what and with what inflection. It also improves story flow. For example look at this paragraph: "“You look like hell” Zack said. I chuckled a little. “Had a rough night.” I said. Zack snickered, “By rough night you mean spending twelve hours trying to gain some item in a cave on that online game?” He said. “Don’t tell me that you actually did that” Emily said." Not only does it showcase how often you're repeating words, but it also hampers story flow as the audience pauses to try and figure out who's saying what.

Story issues cont.: This feels like it takes a lot of tropes from creepypastas that aren't effective. The protagonist getting a mysterious message only to dismiss it as a prank for no real reason. ("After watching a few YouTube videos I got an email. I opened it and all it said was “It has chosen you”. I thought it was a prank so I deleted the email and fell asleep I was dreaming that I was in a forest") The protagonist writing out their final moments really doesn't make much sense when the audience is able to wonder why they're writing this down rather than fleeing. ("I managed to find a paper and pencil as I wrote something down and placed it next to Emily. That’s when I heard a hum. I turned around and saw that the creature was inside the room. It was smiling. The weight was really heavy as the creature reached out with his long, rotten fingers. My vision was filled with darkness and the last thing I saw. Was that glowing white smile…")

Conclusion: There are other issues here, but this is getting a bit on the longer side and I do have other things to focus on so I'm going to cut it short here. I suggest revising your writer's workshop post and getting feedback if you intend to submit a deletion appeal. Note that submitting an appeal now (or after fixing only a few of the mechanical issues) will result in the appeal being turned down. I'm sorry, but with the numerous instances of punctuation, capitalization, fragmented sentences, grammatical issues, awkward wording, and plot issues, I'm afraid this is going to need quite a lot of revision and re-writing to meet quality standards for the site. i understand and ill try my best to fix the problems this story has