The Nightmare Drug

6/12/15

I started the medicine trials today. Since this is a new class of drugs Dr. Hocks suggested keeping a diary to keep track of any interesting changes. I’ve never kept a journal so I’m not quite sure what to include, it has been about thirty minutes since I took the first dose, physically everything seems normal, heart rate is fine, blood pressure is normal. I’m slightly nervous about this drug trial but Dr. Hocks seems like a straightforward guy and they have all kinds of regulations to prevent anything too bad from happening. Either way the money is good and I need it to pay keep up on my rent and student loan payments. So, I guess that’s it for the night.

6/13/15

Day two of taking the pills. Vitals are fine for the most part, heart rate is slightly high and I’ve been getting cold sweats. It’s hard to put my finger on it but something seems off, I have just been nervous all day. It’s probably just because of these bills I’ve been getting. Still, it’s a little absurd that I’ve checked the oven ten times today to make sure I’m not accidentally burning the place down. If only, I’d finally be free of this debt. If it is the medication I can live with it. These side effects aren’t pleasant but it’s a lot of money and you’ve got to make sacrifices for science, right?

6/16/15

I can’t believe I forgot to write the last few days, I hope this doesn’t disqualify me from payment. Anyway, vitals have been getting worse, high heart rate and blood pressure consistently the last few days. The weird thing is I haven’t slept the last three days. I haven’t been able to relax at all and I think the lack of sleep is starting to get to me. It’s like I’m seeing the world through a fog, it took me thirty minutes to connect to reality enough to pick up the phone and call my general physician. I went over there, nearly crashed twice because I was so zoned out. I asked him about the drug trials and he wasn’t familiar with the medicine they gave me, which wasn’t a surprise since it’s a new class of drugs. He thought everything going on was because of stress and gave me some sleeping pills to help. Hopefully life will get back to normal soon. My mind has been playing tricks on me. I keep seeing some creepy shadow in the corner of my eye. It’s probably from sleep deprivation but I figured I’d include that in case its relevant to the drug trials.

6/17/15

I’m never sleeping again.

I’ve never experienced anything like that. I fell asleep pretty quickly, but kept having these horrific nightmares. I don’t remember the first round of them very clearly but I woke up in a cold sweat every hour and a half or so but could barely move and ended up being pulled back into these vivid dreams. I knew I was dreaming the whole time after that but that didn’t help, no matter the fact I knew what I was seeing wasn’t real it was still horrific seeing everyone I care about shot, my apartment melting into a burning hellscape around me, and dear God, the feeling of those spikes as they went through me. Over and over again for ten hours. And in every dream, I kept seeing that shadow, I got a better look at it this time. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It was shaped like a person, almost feminine, but it had no face and no body. It’s like it was made of shadows, but three dimensional. I finally woke up in the dream where I was being crucified when it walked up to me and touched me. I’ve been anxious before but nothing like when it touched me, it was visceral, almost physical. It was enough to break me from the sleep medicines hold and get me to get up. I haven’t willingly gotten up this early since college. I’m going to go stock up on energy drinks to keep me awake until after this trial ends, maybe longer. I just need to make sure the door is locked again beforehand.

6/18/15

Night before last must have taken a toll on me. I have barely been able to make myself move since then. My head has been going crazy, I have to work through so much anxiety to even get up and get this diary to record what’s going on. I have also seen that shadow again walking through the apartment, not just in the corner of my eye anymore either, full on, like in my nightmares. Is it from the pills? When I think about it my mind keeps oscillating between repeating that the pills are to blame repeatedly to saying if I stop taking them I’ll die, either from the drugs themselves or just not being able to afford to live anywhere if I drop out of the study, on repeat.

I keep wanting to go hang out with friends, get out of this apartment for a while, but every time I think about grabbing my phone my mind swarms with thoughts that they hate me, that I would only be a burden to them and that they’d just laugh at me. I know they wouldn’t, they’ve never given me a reason to think any of this, but every fleeting worry feels so real, like not only is it true beyond any question but that life is over because of it. It’s the same feeling of disconnect between what my mind is creating and what I know is real from those nightmares, in some ways it’s like I never woke up.

6/19/15

I did it, I stopped taking the pills and flushed the rest. So why don’t I feel any better? My mind is swarming just as badly as yesterday. And that shadow, that shadow is still there. Haunting every move I make. When I can move that is, it seems like I’m disconnected from reality and it takes so much effort to do anything. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but what if that shadow is real and it wasn’t the drugs causing all of this? As crazy as that sounds it’s the last explanation I have. It must be influencing my mind and that is what is causing these intrusive thoughts. My phone has been ringing constantly, but I can’t explain what’s going on. They would definitely think I’m crazy now, and I don’t blame them. I’m wondering now whether I actually am. I’m going to try to wait it out and see if these pills just take a while to wear off or something before I start looking for an exorcist.

6/20/15

How much longer can this go on? I’ve run out of caffeine so I have been fighting sleep, every time I start to nod off I see that thing, that shadow, and the void where its face is supposed to be and wake up. The phone finally stopped ringing, I guess they finally gave up on me. Good, they probably would have just laughed when they saw what my life has become. My apartment is a mess, I haven’t been able to eat anything I would have to cook because every time I go to turn on the stove I think I’ll burn the place down. But the pile of potato chip bags is beginning to get out of hand. I need to leave to get some more food soon but I just can’t bring myself to do it. These constant, intense thoughts just block out everything else. What’s really weird is I looked at my past entries to see if there was any way I may have invited this entity to the apartment or if it had some clue on how to stop this but the text was distorted, it was almost like hieroglyphics, I couldn’t read a thing and it was different every time I tried to read them.

I can’t tell what’s real anymore, every time I hear footsteps outside my door I think it’s someone coming to kill me, either some serial killer or government agents depending on what my mind comes up with at the time, or most maddeningly, thinking both at once. Every blemish I see I think it is end stage cancer or flesh eating bacteria. Did those pills kill me? Is this Hell or Purgatory? What if none of this is real and I’m still dreaming? So many irrational fears, each more terrifying than the last, and my body is reacting as if every one of them is real. I don’t have the slightest clue what’s going on but I know that shadow is behind it somehow. I’ll figure it out and get out of this nightmare.

6/21/15

I don't know who or what you are, but get out of here, get out of my head! Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.

I know you have been warping my mind. I know whatever you are, you are behind all of this. I know somehow you are influencing my perception, or manipulating the world around me. To be honest, I don’t know what you have done, I’m not sure of anything anymore, even my own identity or existence. But I do know this, you can read what I’m writing here, you can read my thoughts and intentions, and I know you have done something horrible. I know that there is some way I can escape this. I don’t care what kind of demon you are, you can’t keep me trapped forever.

6/22/15

I have a plan, maybe not a good plan, but it’s the best I have under the circumstances. Since I live on the second floor if I throw myself off the balcony I will survive but still go to the hospital so they will be able to treat me if it is related to the drug trial or mental illness. If not then I will know if it is a demon and if something unexpected happens I’ll know this is something on another plane entirely. To my loved ones, I feel so unbelievably guilty about the horrible things this thing, this shadow made me think about you. You did nothing wrong, and hopefully soon I’ll be able to tell you that in person.

Later that Night:

Shock today in the local community as a local man in his twenties was found dead in his apartment. He was found in his apartment in bed, having passed away in his sleep. He was found by his landlord having to be sleeping for several days straight. His body was so weakened by stress and lack of food and water a shock caused a heart attack which ultimately ended his life. Toxicology reports show both a common sleep aid as well as an experimental drug discussed in Wikileaks latest published report on new methods of enhanced interrogation. The drug supposedly is designed to stimulate production of the stress hormone cortisol, causing cortisol levels to spike uncontrollably as well as have a mild hallucinogenic effect. Government officials deny involvement with this drug and claim instead it was a bad reaction to an unknown recreational drug.