Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25421326-20160519214557/@comment-25569708-20160520055945

Hey there LilPotato! I have some feedback to give on this interesting story. Firstly, I'll point out a few errors:

"Heal, toe, heal, toe" should be "Heel, toe, heel, toe"

"It used to be so fun, staying up, watching static across the screen in a dark room, listening as the voices fade away as I return to reality." You are tense-switching here, it should be "It used to be so fun, staying up, watching static across the screen in a dark room, listening as the voices faded away and I returned to reality."

"I was only a child when I was told about my… Condition". "Condition" does not need to be capitalized, as the ellipsis functions as a pause here, and does not start a new sentence.

"I love Gwendolyn as sister." should probably be "I love Gwendolyn as a sister."

"Her face is so… Off…" Same thing for "Condition" applies here, the "Off" should be uncapitalized.

"my fate is nye" should be "my fate is nigh", unless you are referring to a certain Science Guy. Sorry.

Alright, now let's discuss the story itself. I thought it was interesting, although the voice of Gwendolyn intercut throughout the story starts to get a little annoying towards the end, what with all that climbing advice and the like. Perhaps you could make the voice cuts less numerous. I did not expect that twist in the end, but after thinking about it for a while it became slightly confusing. If Gwendolyn really was a physical being the entire time, then why did she feel the need to lead the protagonist on their entire life? And did Gwendolyn want the protagonist to die? I assume she purposefully caused the protagonist to become fatally injured due to the fall, but what did she hope to accomplish by killing the protagonist? Maybe some explanation could be given as to why Gwendolyn waited so long to cause the protagonist's death. And finally, the ending line is a bit perplexing.

"The voices weren’t warning both of us. They were warning me."

If the italicized voice was Gwendolyn's voice, then she really wouldn't be warning herself, would she? And if Gwendolyn's voice was warning the protagonist, then why did her "warnings" end up with the protagonist fatally-injured? This ending line could use some revision.

Okay, that's about all I have to say. I hope this helps with your story. Good luck, fellow Creeper!