Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20160807030815/@comment-28266772-20160807203603

Have you ever wondered about the existence of another world? The place that only existed in your fantasy, [semicolon] where the word "realism" is meanlingless, [meaningless; double space] and only resides at the other side of the time and space? Well, this simple but mentally challenging method will lead you to the new world. Please know that if you mess up [wording ruins the serious tone] any part of the ritual below, it'll be forfeited.

What you'll need:

This is the simplest [double spacing] part of the ritual; all you need is saltwater. How much salt you put in depends on you.

The ritual itself:

Go to any building that has an elevator and has at least 9th floor between 2 AM-4 AM [I think you can format this better] by yourself. Depending on where you live, finding such [a] building that'll let you in at such [repetition] time may prove a challenge. It should also be noted that I cannot emphasize the word "by yourself" hard enough. [tonal dissonance between conversational and formal] If you do it with another person, or run into another person during the process, then you'll either fail the ritual with nothing happening or meet a fate much, much worse. [I know the repetition is for effect but it feels a bit over the top]

When you are at the elevator, call for it and hold the saltwater in your mouth. When the elevator arrives, go inside and make sure to wait until the door starts to close. As it starts to close, press the 9th floor button. Wait untill [until] the elevator reaches the 9th floor, let the door open and close by itself once again. This time, press 2nd [awkward wording] floor as the door closes. Repeat this process in the following order of the floors: [no need for ‘of the floors’]

2nd to 8th,

8th to 3rd,

3rd to 7th,

7th to 4th,

4th to 6th,

and finally, 6th to 5th [I think you should just write this as a sentence]

During this entire process, all five your senses will become more sensitive. You'll feel the change of the air with your skin, hear things that doesn't [don’t] quite sound human, see shadowy figures at [in] the corner of your eyes, smell something terrible that you have never smelt before, and that saltwater in your mouth will taste even more saltier [more saltier is redundant]. Perhaps all these things are from the people who have failed the ritual and met their demise.....

When you reach the 4th floor, a mysterious woman will enter the elevator. Do not make eye contact, speak, or respond to the woman. Just pretend that she's not there. You'll want to follow the procedure anyways. [similar tonal shift to before – i.e. ‘anyways’]  You'll know she's not of this world [full-stop]





<p class="MsoNormal">If you managed to reach the 5th floor, congratulations! You have now reached a new world! The world that will be presented will vary. Maybe you'll see an utopia where there's no pain, suffering, nor death. Maybe you'll see and [a] void of absolute darkness. Maybe you'll see a world filled with [a] sea of fire and brimstone. Feel free to observe the new world, but do not step out of the elevator. Once you are far enough from the elevator, you will see the strange lady pressing the close door button, and if the door closes you'll never be able to return. No matter how good, bad, or strange the new world is, you have to stay in the elevator or stay really close to the elevator. Don't worry, as long as you don't wonder off too far, the door will stay open. [this is all really contradictory and needs to be clearer] When you want to return home, just press [the] 1st [first] floor button, and the door will slowly close. After the elevator opens, you may leave and finally spit out that salt water in your mouth. As you walk out, the lady will be staring at you until the door closes. Again, just pretend that she doesn't exists and be on your way. You know have the knowledge of the existence of an another world, but only in your mind. If you have taken a photo or shot a video of the new world, those evidences will now appear corrupted. [this feels conceited and tacked on]

<p class="MsoNormal">Now, would you like to see the new world again? As long as you don't mind holding saltwater in your mouth again and the time is right, you can repeat this ritual as many time as you like. Don't worry, at the end of the ritual the process will reset, and when that door opens the strange woman won't be there. Maybe you'll end up in the same world again. Maybe you'll go to a whole new world.

<p class="MsoNormal">When you are ready, hold saltwater in your mouth, call the elevator, get inside, wait till the door closes, press the 9th floor, and let the journey to the new world begin once again.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – quite a few missing articles, double spaces, awkward formatting etc.

<p class="MsoNormal">Stylistic issues – your town moves between being relaxed and conversational, to being more serious and ominous. You should try to keep the tone consistent.

<p class="MsoNormal">Story issues – So overall I like this idea but I feel like a lot more could be done with it. Perhaps some more interesting descriptions of the worlds beyond just utopias and seas of fire and brimstone (which are pretty cliché)?

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