Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25991290-20150113013043/@comment-24101790-20150113013555

Dialogue should be separated out into separate lines and two speakers should never speak in the same paragraph.

Punctuation issues, commas missing where a pause/transition is needed. "...when she finally got pregnant excitement filled the house.", "Chuck E(.) Cheese", "mother(')s bed", "mom(')s bed"

Spacing issues: "Then, the day came ."

Capitalization issues: "and (And, although I would advise starting a sentence with conjunctions.) that brings me back to the beginning.", avoid all capsing multiple sentences as it comes off as gimmicky/melodramatic: ""SHUT UP, SHUT UP NOW YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT. JORDAN, WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THOMAS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU?!", "SHUT UP. SHUT THE HELL UP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Wording issues: "I was starving, for I hadn't eaten anything but the remaining fruitsnackss (fruit snacks) in the kitchen cabinet, yet those had ran (run) out.", "She pulled a kitchen knife from seemingly out of know (no) where and shoved (it) into her throat.", "I couldntt"

The dialogue also needs work. "I'm a young boy named Jordan. . ." doesn't seem like something a child would say. Finally the ending needs a bit of re-tooling. ""Imm(sic) just a young boy named Jordan. . ." I replied (period missing)" The ending seems a bit lackluster and you really need to build on the mother and child's interaction to make it more emotionally involving.