Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24486291-20140405231955/@comment-24739611-20140406163904

Well, it makes sense.....kinda.

The premise here appears to be that shopkeepers can go ape after they get stolen from, and will inevitably punish the one who did so, even to the exent of killing them out of vengeance, with mild sociopathic tendancies and an eerie devotion to their duty.

This is a good story. It could be a scary story. But the problem here seems to be that it's...well, not. Just like the author suggested it was in the epilogue. The problem lies within the presentation here. And, if I ever thought about stealing before, I sure as hell won't now.

But let us think more about the things that could be fixed here. I found the short formatting an easier read, but Graydon's right when he says there needs to be longer stuph. Also, it should be noted that some of the wording is confusing. For example, I was wondering why Gerald was yelling really loud until I read that the wind and rain was getting louder. That would be better placed before the dialogue.

Gerald calling the ambulance and then betraying Thomas was strange. If he knew his duty, why did do either of those things? Maybe because Thomas pushed him, and left a task for him to finish? Gerald's emotions toward Thomas didn't suggest a lot of hostility, making the backstab seem abrubt and confusing.

Constant dialogue actually takes away from the immersion, expecially "Karma, bitch!" But that's easily fixed. And the snowglobe shattering at the end might be symbolic, but the shopkeepers don't seem to care much, making me think that they are a sociopathic secret society.

Well, the written sounds are excellent. The descriptions are beautiful, but could be expanded. The opening is excellent, catching the reader off-guard. The narrator is ureliable and mysterious at first, making you wonder about his attitude. (which is a good thing.)

I found the playful way the protagonist was treating the victim odd, but when everything cleared up, that made sense. Pretty ingenious, actually.

A suspenseful read, and an interesting reason not to steal. A flawed gem in the works, I could say.

7.5 Thomas the tank'ed engine/ 10