Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20150604002940/@comment-29791712-20150609212111

A-3 Loki wrote: I'll say I know what it's like to submit the first story(I made my recent revisions), so I'll give as helpful a feedback as I can.

I'll say on story first then hit grammar. I actually enjoyed the plot until it got to the him becoming one of them. However, I will clarify I did not dislike it. It just... threw me off when it jumped. I figured it out quickly, but a transition would help it a lot. E.g it could start by us reading: he sees his reflection and compares it to the alien he is now (I think he's an alien?). If this is the case he could say how his features look like theirs.

On character, I did relate up to a point (I have an 80% chance of nightmares), but somethings seemed odd. Him developing an envy of his brother psychologically made sense, yet him labeling his brother a coward was weird. Although, I will say considering his psychological degradation it explains his accusation, even though escaping to call for help is a logical instinctive drive. Now as for the world feeling his wrath, not sure why that came up. If he is writing this down for other humans to read, why attack the planet? Again, probably relates back to his psychosis, I just thought it was dichotomous to his goal.

Grammar-

1.) "My father (turn) our doorknob with much frustration, only to find it locked." Should be "turns."

2.) "My father’s only incentive into proceeding to try again was my brother and (mine) salvation." Should be "my," reads better.

3.) "Our screams of torture (was) enough to make him try again." Should be "were."

4.) "The inside of my throat burned, my stomach felt excruciating pain, and I kept (scarping) my mouth with the chunks of food escaping my wet lips." Did you mean "scraping" Scarping, is to cut into a escarpment(steep slope in front of fortification).

5.) "In seconds my parents were next to me." Introductory phrase needed a comma after it :)

6.) "I knew something bad had (happen). Should be "happened," since "had," precedes it.

7.) "My mother and father shared me a look of slight sympathy, and I think it was because they must have interpret(ed) that I wouldn’t understand half the things they were about to discuss (about)." The "about," following "discuss," is unnecessary and "interpreted," just reads better.

8.) "We’re (you’re)parents, and we love you." Should be "your," as opposed to "you're," (which is you are).

9.) "I did (kept) on seeing a repeated pattern of rapier objects, however." Should be "keep."

10.) "One of the factors my parents thought caused my brother and I to have such melancholic dreams was because of too (much) sweets." Introductory phrase needed a comma and "much," could change to "many."

-This is all I'll say for now as I have to go, but like I said, I enjoyed the story and then came across the stuff I put up there. I hope this feedback helps and I'll try to get back to pointing out other grammar errors. I also noticed comma errors. I'm sort of basic when it comes to that, so I'd suggest having someone else see to that for some assistance or you could use Grammarly and Ginger (writing programs). :) Hello Loki. Thank you very much for your review and feedback. Honestly you made some really valid points, and I'm starting to change the story just a little bit. I plan to involve myself in a very huge project with this story, so I hope I can make the whole project as perfect as it can become. But I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again.