Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24907211-20140507012835/@comment-24821182-20140510150341

I liked the story overall, but there are some flaws with it that kind of ruin my suspension of disbelief:

For someone who is just 13 years old, he has a very advanced vocabulary. Was there no way to make him older and still have the story work?

He was diagnosed with psychosis less than day after he saw the video? Those are some damn quick psychiatrists! It's also not mentioned how his psychosis was manifested. Did he break a bunch of stuff, talk with an imaginary friend, or hit his head against a wall?

The use of "666" is highly clichéd, and it's not really any different than saying "blood" all the time to add shock value.

Lastly - and this is just a minor flaw that really bothers me a lot whenever I see it - but you cannot say "I thought to myself", as it's a redundant statement. Unless your character is a telepath, the only way he/she can think is to himself/herself. Try using "I said to myself" or just "I thought" instead.