Talk:Virtual Reality/@comment-5000412-20140808050320

This is extremely similar to a military pasta I read a while ago, but for your sake, I'll pass that off as a coincidence.

The use of the second person was, to say the least, not a good decision. The descriptions were very bland and short, even if you were shooting for a shorter story. It all adds up to the story jumping ahead way too fast. By the end, it hardly felt like it included a beginning, middle, and end.

Speaking of the end, the "CNN WORLD NEWS" portion is a painful cliche. What's worse is how this style combined with the second-person doesn't make any real sense. This ending paragraph, too, felt very rushed, and lacked little in the form of storytelling.

I wish I could give more positive comments, as I don't want my words to be too discouraging. I can say that I've certainly seen worse. I could understand what was going on, even if the plot transitioned at lighting speed. That's the biggest tip I can give to you from this: Slow the plot down, a lot. Transition a bit smoother. Length shouldn't be the main focus, but its sometimes needed to make a better piece of work. Also, if you're going to use a second-person narrative (or any kind of narrative, for that matter), at least keep it consistent. The ending paragraph is perhaps the most ridiculous part of this story to read.

Hope my words may help in some way.

-E