Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190813084030/@comment-5733573-20190816140158

It's very good.

My reasoning for excluding the last part of the Bible quotation is that it goes on for two long and stops the action dead. However, if you really wanted to include it---and I can definitely see the benefit that would have---I'd suggest breaking it up. Say he recites the 1 - 3, and then stops to reflect on his worthiness, deciding that yes it must be because he's never dallied with a woman, or something. Then he can go on to recite 4 - 5 and it will feel more meaningful while maintaining the flow.

For your description of Mary, I like the prejudice-tinged direction you went, but I would leave out the word "big" before nose. If you'll pardon the pun, it's a little too "on the nose" along with having the potential to distract from the point you want to make.

Finally, in this story, and in your writing in general, I really wish you would leave euphemisms behind. There's no need for a penis euphemism in this story, and simply saying "penis" or "penis and testicles" would be far less disruptive to the overall tone and voice of the story. Those words are okay and there's no need for something more colorful here. Euphemisms only a) draw more attention to the fact that there's a penis in the story somehow and b) make the reader laugh, thus ruining the tension. And no, there is no euphemism you could use that would not have these effects.