Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26522811-20150624212401/@comment-24101790-20150626211934

Punctuation: "I bet you’re whining(comma missing) “Oh, but why didn’t you stop me from biting my cheek or falling when I was young?”" Capitalization issues: "go in your Parent’s (parents') home and turn off their oven." As you don't treat the word parents as a proper noun at other points in the story. Additionally parents is plural so the apostrophe goes after the s.

Wording issues: avoid starting multiple sentences with conjunctions as it gives the story a choppy flow. Redundancies. " but nothing horrible. But then your first death occurred. When you drowned in that community pool by your old parent’s house I took your place. I experienced for the first time what death was. I was scared, in horrible pain as my chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. But then,". "most of which (sic) your fault for not noticing my warnings"

Story issues: "At the time of writing this you’ve died 873 times" The time the archangel is writing this, the recipient of the letter is 14 years old. How exactly does one die 873 times in the span of fourteen years? It is an interesting premise, but the time jump aspect makes it awkward. Especially considering this: "You’ve been good about this before, but I’d rather not make this the 72nd time." The 72 time he's died? You mention earlier it was 873. Is this the number at the end of his life? At the start of age 14? At the start of age 18?

If the angel's advice is ignored each time, why is he writing a letter now? Why hasn't he tried this before? It seems like an interesting premise (a letter from a guardian angel), but the story is rushed, there are a lot of punctuation, wording, and story issues here.