Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27086420-20151018050712/@comment-27012445-20151022183213

Try this. Define what you want the reader to conclude after reading this. What do you want them to believe or feel. I think that was what could be worked on here. There is something that I call the "gotcha" line. Its the sentence that when read, it ties everything together or reveals some truth. It the line that should slap the reader in the face with understanding and be like, "oh, that's what this was about!" I would write that sentence first, and build from that with either adding/removing what you already have (which is quite good) edit it or write new stuff if needed. I hope this helps.