Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-12343352-20150627165558/@comment-26007602-20150627180716

Alright. Alright. This is trollpasta material, which isn't a good thing if you weren't intending to write a trollpasta.

Let's start with the characters. First off, their names are just bad. Nobody has a last name like "petroleum" or "sausage". You say they were given those names to reflect who they were based off. Why? Why would you name a vegetarian "broccoli"? This is supposed to be a serious story, correct? Do you see how ridiculous it is to give a character a common noun as a last name? You also have to realize that it is important to show and not tell details when writing stories. You shouldn't ever directly state your characters' personalities or motivations; they should become apparent in your writing. These characters' "personalities and traits" (Or lack thereof in this case) don't play into the story at all. Why is it important to know that this guy likes scary stories? Or that the other guy is a vegetarian? Those details are meaningless and don't give depth to the characters.

The plot here... just isn't good. Their buses all break down at the same time? That's a bit convenient for the story, and there's no real explanation or reason for this occurrence other than moving the plot forward. You need to give events in your story context and reason for being. You say they walk down a "spooky" road. What makes this road spooky? Saying it is a spooky road does not describe it in any fashion; you need to use actual descriptive language to adequately paint a picture in the reader's head.

The fact that this bus rolls up and is driven by some frog thing makes no sense. There needs to be a reason as to what is happening. Currently, there is no reason this frog thing is driving a bus, nor is there any reason as to why the narrator's friends get on the bus. The fact that it drives them to McDonald's to "grill them" also makes no sense and is just laughable.

Normally, I'd try and give you advice on how to improve the story, but I just don't see how this could ever work. I think you need to read some actual creepypastas to get a sense of what kind of work is accepted and successful on this site. The suggested reading category is a great place to start. Examine how these authors use tension and unease to make their horror work.