Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25380741-20141116014350/@comment-24056975-20141116040351

I thought this was a decent story, although it was hurt by flat characters. Construction-wise, it looked very long at first but as I read I realized that you had quite a bit of redundancy in your descriptions. You also need to break up your sentences more.

Notes:

I've never liked it when stories start in medias res and immediatly flashback. I'd lose the intro.

A few minor grammar issues, redundancies, and overly long descriptions. For example, "''It used to be the main industrial spot, before the factories closed down since the eighties until now, and have been left untended ever since its owners locked the doors for the very last time." could be better stated as "It used to be the main industrial spot, until the factories closed down in the eighties. They've been left to rot since the owner's locked the doors for the last time." ''

''You have a problem with run-on sentences. Break them up. I did it in the previous example, but it's clearly an issue you need to focus on. ''

Jamal died very quickly. I suppose it's possible if the carotid was bitten through, but I feel like he should last a bit longer.

''Your characters seem pretty genre savvy up until Seth decides they need to catch the Rotting Man for vague reasons and the other two agree (albeit with misgivings.) Obviously, Seth is either in league with the monster or plans to kill them. I'd say this is decent foreshadowing, if a little too bald. At least let Seth have a convincing argument for why the should stay. ''

Shortly after Alaina's death, Seth refers to her as "him." Just a typo, but a confusing one that spellcheck would miss. Remember to proof-read.

The Rotting Man's speach patterns change drastically thoughout the story. He's much more verbose in the prologue and the end. I liked the sing-song bit with Jamal and the "Chewy" stuff from Alaina. The "Only nice human meat will satisfy me" line was the low point.

In the end, I wonder what Seth gained. If he wanted them dead, he's succeded. If he really did want Rotting Man proof, that audio file won't get him far.

Really, I'm left unsatisfied by the end. It felt unearned. Seth just walks away, no final pursuit or conflict. No reveal that he was feeding the creature intentionally. He didn't lose anything since he seemed to plan on his friend's deaths, but he didn't gain anything either. He had no character arc. Really, no one had an arc. Seth just stands out because he survives.

Hope this helps.