Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28569502-20160603050413/@comment-24101790-20160603053005

Starting with the essentials, you need to break these paragraphs up. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences. Any more and it comes off as blocky and a pain to read, any less and it feels like padding out a story.

Punctuation issues: Commas improperly used. "I’ll call them, Kirk,(comma not needed) and Felix.", "like Ghost Asylum,(comma not needed) or Monsters and Mysteries in America.", "females love the fuck boys, and the douche bags.", etc. Commas missing where needed. "Hi I’m Kirk", "Then one week before I moved something bad happened after a visit from the old man", "right before I met the two other authors of this story the words came to me again and said one word", etc. Punctuation missing before dialogue. "me “chase your prey, find him, chase your prey, find him…”", "saying “Make the choice …. NOW”.(Period should be inside quotations)"

Improperly capitalized words: " the eyeless man, Crying (crying) girl, the Dark (dark) children and hanging girl.", "We banished him with meditation and help from jack (Jack).", “chase (Chase) your prey, find him, chase your prey, find him…”, " a Shit (shit) load of tension." etc.

Wording: It's= it is, its=possession. "its (it's) 4:06 in the morning". "an arc (arch)angel", "When I yelled for them to stop the first, (the) skinnier boy turned with a mischievous grin laughed and he and his pal ran off.", "cousin (who I will discredit his name)" What exactly do you mean here? Are you trying to say you're changing his name, or that you're actually lying about him and making him appear as something worse.

Awkward wording: "I was walking home from my friend’s house and I had seen shadows and spirits while my visit (sic) with my buddy, when I was walking home the world faded and had muted.", "I know they’re here because making (sic) me rewrite the same sentence over and over again.", "This, I believe, was the curse from the old man’s curse (redundant)", etc. There are a lot more of these so I suggest carefully proof-reading your story.

Story issues: A lot of the story feels glossed over. You don't really devote a lot of time to particular scenes and it really makes for an uninteresting story. Events that should build up the story fall flat because you don't devote time to them. "We all look that direction and see a presence, I don’t remember now what all we saw, but the one visitor I do remember, was a wise old man, whom could answer any question you had except for death. I don’t remember what I asked him" Who is this old man? Why did he suddenly appear? Did he answer the protagonist's questions or curse them (as implied later)? "We banished him with meditation and help from jack." A scene like that could be used to convey what they're dealing with but instead you rush through it.

Story issues cont.: Speaking of rushing things, the story feels very hastily written. Each protagonist doesn't get enough content/focus to effectively flesh out the story and none of the characters are sufficiently built up. You introduce these characters: "I saw the boys again and they were with the rest of their crew, the eyeless man, Crying girl, the Dark children and hanging girl." to do absolutely nothing with them. You're really stretching this story thin by focusing on too many topics and not describing/showing why they're important. To highlight this further, look at the scene where you introduce Mischief and confusion (should be capitalized) They just appear at the end and force the protagonist to write the story (???) and then it ends.

Final: I'm sorry but there are way too many issues here ranging from punctuation, capitalization, wording, redundancies, awkward wording, and a lot of plot issues. If you intend to try to salvage this story, I would strongly recommend scrapping it and starting from the beginning as there are a lot of issues here in the narrative as well.