Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170131150927/@comment-28266772-20170131162054

My brother and I live in a small town, considerably [far] away from civilization and technology. We were always close since birth [awkward; “We have always been close since birth” reads better], even though he’s 6 [six] years older than me. He’s 18, but never really liked anyone besides his girlfriend, his age. [this isn’t very relevant to the story] I’m 12, and I just don’t have as many friends as I would like too. The [what morning?] morning was crisp, and full of activity '[whose activity? What kind of activity?]'. We [who’s we?] ate breakfast, and my dad took me and my brother [my brother and I] to the barn. '[There’s no sense of time or order. These guys eat breakfast and THEN go out to the barn, but you only imply that and it feels awkward to read as a result] [New speaker, new line ->] '“Jimmy, come over here.” I walked forward. “I think you’re ready.” I smiled big [that doesn’t sound right]. Our family is a long line of hunters, and today [well it’s not ‘today’ is it because you start with “the morning” implying some time ago] my dad gave me a gun. “Here you go.” [You think this piece of dialogue adds much to the story?] I laughed when I took the rifle. It felt good and smooth [good and smooth... not, uh, not great description there]. That night, me and my brother [my brother and I] went to hunt. It took a while, but we finally got the trail of a rabbit. When we had followed it for two minutes, a bear crawled out behind my brother [you’re telling us, not showing us the action]. I stood in shock and screamed at him. He looked behind himself [awkward], and saw it. The bear roared, and he turned to me only uttering one word. [new speaker, new line] “Run.” I ran, tears flying down my hot cheeks. Behind me I heard ripping and chopping, and I kept running. When I got home I told my dad all about it. He ran over with his gun, but couldn’t find my brother or the bear. But, he did find my gun, the once beautiful and smooth weapon was broke [broken] and in the mud [muddy], I must of [HAVE] dropped it while running. I bought a ticket to leave to the city in a month. '[This kid is 12 and he’s going… where? And… with whom? Not to mention you take no fucking time out to emphasise the emotional experience he’s going through]'

The town has [had] a sorrow feeling [sorrow feeling; not a phrase, doesn’t make sense] the next day, and held a service to honor him. Gifts flooded in, but it just wasn’t right. Not without him. It was about two weeks later when he came back [where’s the suspense?]. The town rejoiced and cheered, and he once again joined with his [joined with his girlfriend is a very awkward bit of phrasing, it just sounds shit] girlfriend. But he didn’t talk to me. He mostly tried to avoid me, didn’t even glance in my direction. After another week passed I went to the area where my brother died [why?]. I fell in [a] hole. It wasn’t really graceful [redundant; falling never is], I was just looking for blood stains or my gun [he found his fucking gun earlier], or something [comma] and tripped. When I feel [fell] down I saw something. I found my brother’s body, scratched and decaying. I heard [a] noise from down the tunnel, it was whoever was impersonating my brother. “Hello Jim.” He said. I stood there shocked. “You look fine today.” He slowly stepped towards me. “Who are you.” I weakly murmured. He chuckled. “Not who…” He put on a broad smile. “What.” [New speaker, new line] I looked at his face. Pink worms extended out of him, making up his facial features '[how? Doesn’t even make sense. Is his face made of worms?]'. “I understand, this is a lot to take in. But don’t worry, my babies will make you see reasoning [make you see reason]. They’ll have a home, and you’ll have knowledge.” I saw worms wriggling towards me. “Then my babies can have a wider variety of vessels in the city.” I stood back and hollered “NO! They’ll prod your babies there! They’ll attack them, kill them, torture them.” '[telling, not showing us. How did he come up with this? Why does it even work?] The worms [were]' repelled and he flinched. He whispered to himself “I can’t have that…” and ran into the tunnel. I crawled out of the hole and went home. [no attempt to even make this slightly interesting]

Nobody had seen my "brother" since the other day. I would leave that day for the city, and when I got there I would tell people that understood about what he was, and what he is doing. I will, I must. I was being driven back, when my automobile smashed and flipped. I looked and saw the driver had died in the crash, and I crawled out dazed and shaking. I saw pink worms slithering to me, and it went dark. [this entire final paragraph is riddled with problems]

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Mechanical issues – too many. I don’t know if you’re very young, or if English isn’t your first language, but you don’t have the basic language skills to be writing prose quite yet. I can only recommend you do the following:

Read all the advice blogs and guides on this wikia. All. Of. Them.

Proof read your stories, do not post them without having reviewed them first. You need to watch carefully for mistakes like; missing words, repeated words, misspelt words, missing punctuation & plot inconsistencies.

Integrate the changes and suggestions made by people on this wikia. Focus on that and bring it up to the basic level of ‘literate’ (i.e. it’s not a fucking mess of grammatical nonsense). Once that’s done you can start moving onto things like plot, etc. Most importantly, stop squirting twenty stories onto the workshop when each one lacks even the most basic proof-reading efforts. Seriously, the technology to fix 90% of your mistakes was invented in the nineties. There’s no excuse to not reach over and click ‘spellcheck’ on MS word, and if you don’t have MS word then use spellcheck.net