Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30861466-20180505175756/@comment-7064562-20180508035437

"Okay firstly I'd appreciate it if you don't use profanity I only used it in my story to fit the character"

Honestly, he has every right to use profanity. This site isn't rated G. As for the story, while he is being rather harsh, he's not wrong.

Just take the first two sentences for example.

All my life I've had a rough time with family and it all comes back to my dad Victor Sevello the first. Dad is a strange man, always appears off like he's a mirage or isn't what he seems and he's never actually been a good man at that, even when I was young he was never a model parent.


 * Adding the first to his name is kind of unneed and takes away from it. People haven't been using things like, the second, third, etc for a long time, and just having the first is kind of weird.


 * The sentences themselves need some reworking. Wordplay, imagery, and structure wise.

This works into the next bunch of sentence as well.

"He scarred me for life at the age of six after he had a one night stand with a vampire who just so happened to be my late mother's sister. "

The wording is horrible here, and adding in the "One night stand with a vampire, who just happened to be my late mother's sister' is stupid. I have no idea if you're trying to be funny, or express an actual plot device.

"For years I had to put up with him and the large manor he resided him, the smell of old velvet and dark fruits haunts me to this day but he nowhere near as much as that cold-hearted."

This just plainly made no sense what's so ever.

"He's not a model parent by any means and it's because of this that I got out of that house as soon as I became an adult and I moved into a studio apartment, dad didn't care at all and I haven't seen him since it's been 4 years and I doubt he's ever coming back into my life but I don't care I met a girl and we got ourselves a home and we've even had a little boy who we named Darren."

This is not only a horrible sentence that makes no sense, but it's a run on.

"My dad being the pretentious arsehole that he is scoffed at my family and literally gave me a lottery ticket as a present. I couldn't believe it, I mean I knew he was a prick and all but this was on another level he hadn't seen me in years, he scoffed at my family as if they were stray cats and left me with a lottery ticket for my 40th."

You literally just repeated a sentence.

The story is just plain bad and there is little to no effort put into it. You need to expand and execute your idea. What you have here is just a mess of run-on sentences and bad grammar. Not only that, but the Main character and fathers actions make zero sense at all. It seems like something an angsty privileged kid would write because his dad didn't buy him the new Iphone 12. I suggest scrabbing the idea or taking the main idea of "A kid with a horrible sex driven vampire dad" on a new route with some depth. Adding in some showing and not telling will help as well.