Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25847009-20150422151349/@comment-24101790-20150422205650

Starting with the smaller things, numbers smaller that ten (unless monetary or time) should really be written out.

Wording issues: "At times the house gets (got) lonely since both my parents work (worked) while I stayed at home but that doll seamed (seemed) to make it more crowded and I could finally use my imagination to make life a happy place.", " I found myself paralyzed in fear as I start (started/tried) to think rationally..." You are telling the beginning of the story in past tense, your tenses need to reflect that.

"It made me so happy to see that I got (had gotten) my own doll and could sleep better at night knowing i (I) got ("had" to avoid repetition) to (not needed) my own partner to watch my back against the monsters of the dark.", "And we would hunt down teams of rebels to make the country save (safe) for the government and its people.", "It was only after he got the the (sic) middle of my room", "The police thinks (think) that it might have been an armed burglar that broke in and killed the two parents while they were sleeping and left because he triggered an alarm while trying to take his first prize." (Phrasing issues with "first prize")

Punctuation issues: apostrophes missing from words indicating possession. "parents(') direction." commas missing where a pause is needed: "After it was all over I could sleep in peace knowing that it was gone."

Story issues: "I was awakened by a loud noise and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw my doll fall from the top bunk of my bed." If the doll fell after you woke up, what was the sound that woke you up in the first place? Year 2001 is fully fleshed out, but year 2004 and 2007 feel like they were tacked on and written in a rush. (two and three sentences gives it a bit of an incomplete/unfleshed out feel.) "My friend Susanna got a new doll today and she just cannot stop talking about their adventures in the Apartheid war." The protagonist made up that game, not the doll, so why is Susanna playing the same game. (unless her father fought in the war, and then that should be referenced.)

Cliches: "Next I tried to throw it over our house's wall, but the next day I found it back on the top bunk of my bed and then in one final attempt I told it to stay away from me and I again threw it over the wall like last time, It (it) worked." Trying to destroy/dispose of something only to find it back in your house has become a pretty common cliche in both doll and video game stories. Also that sentence is a run-on and needs to be broken up. I'm sorry, but the subject matter has been covered multiple times and a lot of the plot points are recycled from stories like Teddy, Annabelle, and other 'demonic doll' stories and the story re-hashes a lot of tropes from other stories.