Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25973674-20150105234631/@comment-25477067-20150106194715

The grammatical issues kills the flow and the few cliches you have (you kept it clean of them for the most part) sort of destroy the rest of it. For a beginning story, I would say that you could get away with publishing it if you cleaned up the grammatical errors, but if you really want it to be noticed, you need to work on it to keep it going and make it truly terrifying.