Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26970607-20150919204057/@comment-26970607-20150920131030

Oaura wrote: There's a fine line between creepy and dark, they intermingle in all honesty. Let's begin shall we?

Overview:

As far as dark fiction is concerned, this is good. I specifically loved that one line: '... that boy is the root of my ageing...'. That was a very nice touch. The dialogue of the characters also gave it a sophisticated edge and I can really feel the difference between the dialogue and the text. However, this story simply could not work as a 'real' story. I think it holds a lot more potential in being a fairytale-esque story. I'll explain why over the course of this review.

I'm going to be honest, your first introductory paragraph there was a hurdle to get over. That first line tripped me up with the first read, as the flow was disrupted by the word 'for'. The sentence makes sense overall but I was expecting a 'because of [insert reason]' rather than a 'for [insert reason] and it does feel slightly awkward. I also don't understand how townsfolk would confuse her with royalty, I mean, they should know exactly who their rulers are. If Megan Fox started acting like the Queen of England we still wouldn't get them confused, because we all know who the Queen is.

Also from a logical point of view, those guards would have never let her into the castle; they're paid to keep people out. Servants, at every word, has also been misspelt as 'servents'. Once again, they would also be paid to report any suspicious people on the ground immediately. Sure Rita weaved her way into their hearts and all, but she still could have been some sort of assassin or something. In history there are a lot of people that would have wanted to poison the food of a monarch.

I'm also looking sceptically at the 'mad with rage' part of this story. There are two things this could have meant: mad as in angry (angry with rage, doesn't exactly make sense so it's probably not this one) or mad as in crazy (crazy with rage, a bit better). However, this is also a breach of realism. People don't go insane because of rage, they can out of jealousy and guilt (as seen in the Shakespeare classic Macbeth) or even severe mental trauma. Rage generally doesn't create a disorder (unless Rita has anger management issues, but that is a whole other topic and Rita appears to have been constructed to be outwardly kind to others for that first half of the story).

Anyway, let's move onto why making this more fairytale-esque may aid your story more. Firstly, you won't have to worry about realism as much (which renders all of my above statements irrelevant, except for that insanity one). Secondly, it's a lot more free in what you can do and not limited by any one reality. Thirdly, you can play around with people's pre-conceived views of a fairytale: the innocence, the happily ever after, the light hearted nature and the idea that the good guys always win. This can be done effectively to appeal to a person's nostalgia and childhood innocence, before dragging it down to Hades (part of why Squidward's Suicide was so successful). Lastly, people can't tell you your story is inaccurate and it probably won't go out of date easily, as fairytales tend to be a universal constant and the only thing that can date your story is the inclusion of Disney Princesses.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say on the matter. Your spelling and grammar isn't exactly the best, I'd recommend searching for an online spelling and grammar checker as they can be quite helpful in bringing your story up to the Quality Standards of the Wiki (only in regards to the spelling and grammar component of said article). I think your story is going for a more discomforting feel rather than a balls to the wall 'Blood and Guts everywhere so much gore it must be heaven!' shock factor appeal. I'd recommend expanding more on the princess's kindness but also work on that underlining feeling of how she is a bit sinister, remembering to always show rather than tell. Overall, I stand by my suggestion that this story should be more fairytale-esque than 'real'. It has a good amount of potential and I can't wait to read it again when it's finished.

Good luck in your writing adventure!

Thanks so much for the review! I forgot to put it through Microsoft before I put it up here. I'll be sure to change it around today and put it back up.