Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180705051303/@comment-26444017-20180705052712

The idea is perfectly acceptable. The execution could use some improvement.

The biggest issue for me is that the narrator dies at the end, making it impossible to write the story. Then again, I have done that before, and it's not an automatic deal breaker.

The other big thing is the inconsistent language of the main character. He definitely sounds like a hoodlum at the start, but it tames down pretty quickly. Near the end, the guy refers to his genitalia as 'my manhood'. I would expect a street thug to call it something... less pg.

Beyond those, it just needs a run through a grammar, spelling, and punctuation checker. After that, a second round of review should be no problem.