Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20170924175218/@comment-24101790-20170924184242

"I feel like there is to much clutter that might detract from the story rather than add to the scene building.":

I don't really see too much issue with the problem as it's a relatively short story and the traffic scene builds up to the accident.

"I want to have the main character's thought process and observations to feel slow while also keeping the narrative flowing. I think I can improve on this but I need a few suggestions on how to do this, or maybe a different direction entirely that I hadn't thought of yet.":

I would try to build on their physical state in the hospital. You focus on their groggy consciousness, but maybe adding some aches and pains may help convey the severity of the accident.

"I want to really strongly portray the happiness that the main character feels upon hearing her parents are here to then get crushed in confusion as two other people walk in (the parents of the body she's in)."

I would try to create a greater sense of the protagonist needing comforting/a familiar face. I think this scene: "Parents. With straining muscles I pushed my heavy body up to a more seated position and turn my head in the direction the nurse had gone to greet my folks. The people that stepped into my room however, were two complete strangers." might be more in keeping with what you're looking for if you have the protagonist talk about how her parents have always been there for her or why she feels like she needs their support (after a traumatic accident) currently so when it turns out to not be the people she's looking for, it feels more disorienting.

All in all, it's a quick tale that gets its point across effectively and reminds me a little of All the Papers Lied Tonight. I can only think of those ways to add onto it without making it feel more bloated. Hope that helps.