Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20190705184917/@comment-35911608-20190708014044

BloodySpghetti wrote: Why is this in parts? Seems kind of random and without an actual purpose. You could've just used connective phrasing between the parts instead. Ah well.

The famous battle between the Id and The Super Ego, I saw right through it. to tell you the truth; It's kind of lacking on the dark aspects of Freudian Psychoanalytics. Psychoanalysis evolved as much as it did because Freud's theory was crude and radical. It was outright creepy at certain points. You don't really have much of that here per se. Could've been done far better.

I do have to note that the Super Ego is in no way shape or form an angel on one's shoulder as it tends to be represented today. The Super Ego is in its core the fear of the societal reaction to one's actions. It is equally "evil" if you will to the Id, just in a different manner and works as a sort of a necessary evil. Your white masked man should've reasoned his civility with "what would the others think" more than "be a good person". According to the theory where your idea came from; you aren't good because humans are good, you are good because you fear consequences and that sucks.

As a personal quirk of my own, I hate it when people come up with those super romanticized Victorian morality scenes; "Oh you can't think these things about this maiden its so inappropriate!!!" I really really really REALLY doubt anyone in our time has an internal struggle about getting off to their crush, unless they are religious or something.

Also, I suppose I would've liked it better if Warren had to be the one who was supposed to kill or hurt one them during each conflict.

The imagery while overall alright is not the best, should've given your Id more than a black coat; make him something more animalistic or darker. Make him like Jung's shadow. Also, I think that if you add some "geography" to Warren's mindscape it would've been nicer. Like what the "inside" of his thought looks like, other than darkness.

You've misplaced a few names a couple of times; " 'Warren wake up', I saw Warren shaking me " ~ like that.

And "We screamed in rage" ehh... not my choice of a closing line. Why not have him curse out instead like a real person? Ah, wasn't really hiding the id/super-ego thing, but I will attempt to make it creepier. I'll do some more reading. As a side note with Jung's shadow, I didn't want to do the persona/shadow deal. Even though the two are "similar", I think enough stories have been done with those (plus fans of the Persona series who know nothing about psychology would call me out on "plagarism"). I can definitely make the id more creepy though.

The fear with the super-ego is correct, but I know I did a poor job of portraying it, hence my note at the top. You might see *some* traces of it in part 3, where Warren is with Paula and the white mask is bugging him about being "proper". And I'll tie this in I suppose, I think I'm gonna go with the route of making Warren Catholic, or something of the like. That would certainly allow me to amp up the tension between id and super-ego, as well as make more sense with the conflict.

It IS Warren doing the shooting, though I believe you mean towards the end when they are fighting each other? That was more like when you're doubting yourself in your head, trying to decide what to do but can't come to a conclusion. Giving the gun to the id is supposed to be a terrifying resolution of letting the id take complete control. Again, I'll work on that.

Grammar errors, yup, clean them up. But otherwise, thanks for the review, you've given me much to work with.