Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25672620-20141113222055/@comment-25730391-20141114011326

Welcome to the board! I'm new here, too.

I'd say this is a good first pasta. One thing I think you can improve on, though, is that ending. It seems really contrived. Like, the lady sees the creature, briefly tries to escape, and then--BAM!-- she's dead. Just like Sara, the reader barely has time to register the monster's existence before the story ends. This makes it less unnerving, I think. Maybe that's what you were going for; I don't know. A more seasoned member of this board could probably tell.

This paragraph bugged me: ''I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my car keys. "Where are you going?" my husband wondered. "Remember when my father told me about the box?"'' First off, you probably want to go with a word other than wondered when the husband asks Sara where she's going. If you're wondering something, you're not normally speaking, just thinking. Also, if you want the reader to know that Sara is the one answering the question, you should put her dialogue in its own paragraph. Otherwise, it looks like the husband is answering himself.

Other than that, I just have a few things to say about your punctuation. I think you should've used more commas in some spots and replace commas with semicolons in others. The first line of dialogue, for instance, sounds strange when I read it because real-life people make pauses when they talk. So a comma just fits. "What's wrong, mom?" See?

More commas also might be a good idea just because a lack of pauses in a paragraph can be, for lack of a better word, tiring to the reader. Take a look at this paragraph I added some punctuation to (and corrected a minor typo), and you'll probably agree that it "sounds" better, I guess. ''When I reached the house, I saw my mother out in the garden and nodded hello. I entered the house and walked past my father's recliners and into the kitchen. After the kitchen, I walked into the hall and walked to the basement door. As a child, I never liked the basement because I thought it was creepy.''

Sorry I couldn't be more thorough, but more reviewers will certainly come along. I think you're off to a good start. I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my first pasta should you find the time.