Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33470154-20180611012533/@comment-5733573-20180612160815

This is much stronger than your previous draft! I like that the story is a lot clearer and there's more in the way of character motivations.

Here are some things that I think could still use some work:

- The narrator's decision to run at the end needs more explanation. Right now, it just sounds like he went, "See ya," and high-tailed it.

- There's really no suspense or tension. When something scary happens, make the audience wait for the punch. You can create suspense with short, quick sentences. All of your sentences are kind of the same length at the moment and it starts to become monotonous.

- There are a lot of details we don't need, and not enough attention given to some that we do. It's not necessarily to painstakingly take us along for every single thing the characters are doing in the woods. Only the important moments are necessary. Also, the geology student angle and the noise cancelling ear plugs could be brought in earlier so that they don't come out of no where later.

- Watch out for redundancy. In general, the same word shouldn't appear twice in one sentence. There are places in your story where this happens, so I would advise finding other ways to communicate your point.

- Finally, there are some tiny grammatical errors that you clearly just overlooked, so when you've tidied up the rest of the story, just make sure to give it a second proofreading pass.

Overall, very enjoyable and getting stronger all the time. Great stuff!