Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26866364-20150807202333/@comment-26512885-20150807233559

There are a great many problems with this story, the most glaringly obvious being your poor expression. For instance you write, "Lauren moved from city to small village". This should have been Lauren moved from THE/A city to A /THE small village.

The second problem was your style of writing. If plain and monotone can be classified as a style that is.

I would write more but I could only read the first few paragraphs before I couldn't bring myself to read another word. This may sound harsh, but I felt it was best to be completely truthful to enable your to get the best story possible.

Out of interest is english not your first language? If this is the case then the problems may have been caused by a bad translator. If this is the case consider either finding a better translator or getting an actual person to translate this into english for you.