Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20150624030749/@comment-25037895-20150624214046

I'll help you out with some specifics (I am remembering some without even looking at the text above):

Punctuation:
 * Dialogue should end with a comma (not a period) if the speaker is identified afterward, and the following letter should be lowercase unless a proper noun.
 * “Thank you, this one will work just fine.” The (the) blue man said without moving his lips.
 * “If you come back her (here),” That (that) booming voice said again
 * “You gave me a new slave.” The (the) booming voice of the blue man said.
 * “That would be one hell of a trick. But just from hearing that story I don’t think anyone could ever do it.” He (he) said.
 * be more famous that Harry Houdini.” I tell Josh.

Spelling: (pharos, pharaohs), (famous that (than) Harry Houdini), (first time, possible (possibly) ever, someone)

There's issues other than that, but that might help you out.