Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24982950-20140927211501/@comment-24982950-20140927220523

CassistRabbit wrote:

Let’s get to it.

First off, I think you’ve misspelled your title. Do you mean “wrath”, because “wraith” is a term for a living creature and doesn’t fit with the rest of the title.

Why don’t you explain to us what a “Roadie” is? If we’re just supposed to know what it is, I’m telling you that I don’t, so you should include a brief explanation of what it is.

The whole first paragraph feels very bland. It’s much more a summary than an actual description of events that tries to catch the reader’s interest. So far, your work has been all telling and no showing.

The dialogue feels awkward and isn’t punctuated correctly. There should be a comma after “Phantom of the Opera”. And are you sure that you mean “wraith” and not “wrath”?

So far, the story is very blandly and lazily told. The phrase “Turns out that he wasn’t always careful though” isn’t a complete sentence and is an unnecessary preface. You’ve hardly shown any details or imagery at all; the closest you’ve come is the speaker giving out harsh feedback, but you don’t bother to put in even a line of dialogue from the speaker. Without details, this feels like a summary or a draft at best.

I don’t even understand what’s going on and I have to keep rereading the sentences and dialogue. What exactly is scary or even interesting about this? There was only a mention of a ghost, and a vague one at that.

This really doesn’t even feel like a story. It seems like you wrote this in one sitting because of the numerous punctuation issues (a lot of the dialogue is lacking commas and apostrophes) and the almost-complete lack of details. If you do have a good idea- I can’t even tell if there is any behind this- you might be able to make a micropasta, but this on its own is so rushed and incomplete that I can’t offer much additional feedback. I would discuss the plot if there was one, but there doesn’t appear to be.

<span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">You should take more time writing your next pasta. Focus on getting the mechanics down on your first draft, then edit it and include some details. Definitely use the Workshop again, as well, because this would be deleted if it were a pasta. So keep trying, and good luck.

Good f*cking luck? Only way to get anything posted on here successfully. Yes I do mean Wraith, actually, they're a type of ghost. Play some Halo (and Brutal Legend whilst your at it, let a master show you what a roadie is.) Didn't I explain Roadie when I said about it being technical? I suppose that would have been too much exposition, or bland. Fine, details. Lets have the climax as Winter Dream killing herself. All aboard the Band Wagon!