Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27190570-20160112010253/@comment-27190570-20160112031417

EmpyrealInvective wrote: There are quite a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, the formatting is not correct. This is one large paragraph. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences. Any more and it becomes blocky and a pain to read. Additionally, I would advise waiting for more than two hours before submitting a story you're unsure of.

Wording issues: Fragmented sentences: "Plowed into him at thirty miles above the speed limit and rolled right over his body.", "But, cases such as John’s are rare.", Satan sound familiar?", "Maybe death(Death)?", etc. One or two fragmented sentences are fine, but multiple give the story a very choppy feel. Spelling and other issues: "to fetch his tinder (sic)", ""about Three (three)-hundred-twenty-million"", "If I know anything about you lot, it’s that you hate (a) missed opportunity (or opportunities)."

Punctuation issues: Commas missing where they should be used. "Since traffic was slow he ran into the street to fetch his tinder.", "ask yourself, is living forever worth the risk of possibly killing yourself.(?)", " Would you rather shoot yourself and end up being immortal, while possibly being killed by the gunshot, or are you going to play it safe.(?)", etc. Questions need question marks, even rhetorical ones.

Story issues: A lot of the attempts at levity really miss the mark. "I’m sure anyone who saw this occur would expect to see a John-shaped stain on the road, but unfortunately for any stain enthusiast, John was unharmed." Starting with that, who exactly is a stain enthusiast? (Did you mean gore hound/rubber-necker?) All in all, the story really feels like the theory needs a lot more fleshing out. Why is 1/25th of the world immortal? How come we aren't aware of this? How would someone live their life without detection? ETC. I'm sorry, but this theory needs a lot more fleshing out and really need more of a profound ending to inspire fear. The beginning with John really needs to be addressed more if you're looking to inspire more inherent terror. I've taken this into account and am going to completely rewrite the story. After reading you review, I was considering giving up, possibly on creepypasta entirely. You may remember the catastrophe that was "The Day James Dies." After reading your review once more, I decided that wasn't your goal. I'm going to flesh out the idea significantly, and hopefully, end up with something passable. Thank you for all your help. -Sincerely, Evan