Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24849089-20140508231335/@comment-24841732-20140509013512

Lets start with the biggest flaws, for the most part this is cliched. It feels like just a rehash of Russian Sleep Experiment. The “found military report” shit has been done hundreds of times. Every single one of them reads the same. Do something different, do something unique. Instead of a report, tell the story from the test subjects point of view or something similar. Military report has been done to death.

You need to proofread your work. I found a large amount of spelling and grammar errors. Try reading it aloud to yourself and rewrite anything that sounds weird.

“THE DOCUMENT WAS DENIED TO EVER EXIST TILL NOW.” Are you fucking kidding me? This one line manages to utterly ruin a half decent story. Not only is it completely idiotic, you abbreviated until in what is supposed to be a fucking military document. Never abbreviate in writing, unless it is in dialogue or it is a title such as doctor.

The monster was fucking great, the rhyme it said, and everything about it was fairly unique and interesting. However, the jump from fucking insane dude to a shape-shifting monster makes almost no sense at all. I get that that is what the serum is supposed to do, but this is never explained so it is a complete mindfuck when the normal dude suddenly has powers.

Also, build up. You do great at the beginning of the story, but as I stated above, there is just a random jump. In the previous paragraph, he is just doing some weird shit, and magically he escaped, turned into a shape shifter, and killed everyone? That seriously confused me.

You need to work on phrasing. A lot of sentences sound very strange and out of place. As I said before, read your story out loud. That helps you find anything that sounds weird or out of place.

Overall, this is a cliched mess with poor grammar, but with a sound concept. I would recommend a rewrite from a different point of view. As it is now, 5/10. It is honestly good for a first pasta, but on-site it would be deleted in a heartbeat. Take the advice I have given, look at the errors you made, and improve. Don’t stop writing. You are good at it; but you need practice.