Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20170128035958/@comment-28060931-20170129203728

Before I begin I must inform you that I changed the names and locations in this story to protect the innocent, just call me Ashley.(I would recommend starting a new sentence like "You can call me Ashley" because calling er Ashley doesn't relate to the rest of the sentence.)  I used to live in Austin, TX but we moved into a hotel in Kansas City. I don't remember why we moved, but I do remember that it was called 'The Grand Kansas City Hotel', it was a nice looking hotel, we lived in room 415. That night we finished unpacking our things and went to bed, but I woke up to the sound of a thump(italics) . I scanned my room for something that might have fallen onto the floor but saw that everything was where I left it. I would have thought it was my imagination had I not looked at the wall in front of me. I saw a crack in the wall, with two yellow dots so close to each other that they looked like eyes. I screamed at the top of my lungs'(at the top of my lungs is quiet generic, use some more creative description.)  ' and I could hear my parents running to my room, as they did I watched as the eye-like dots quickly moved to the right out of sight. My dad opened the door and with mom behind him turned on the light, he asked me what happened and I told him about the eyes. (I'll stop mentioning this inaccuracy, but use sentences more effectively.  A sentence should convey one point.  And they should flow well together.  Use long sentences to emulate fear,  and short to emulate happiness, or some quick actions like running or a high-speed chase. I found your sentences weirdly broken up,  connecting unrelated points and using commas where there should be full stops. )

Dad looked inside the crack and then(missing word)  at me like I was crazy, then mom walked to me and said, "It was probably just a dream dear."(paragraph break for dialogue.) , she kissed me on the cheek and they both told me to get some rest. I spent the rest of the night staring at the crack in that wall. A few days later, I went to the nearby school my parents have been trying to get me in before we got into that hotel. I made a few new friends at school, one was a girl named 'Jenny'(no need for air quotes.), she was into the paranormal stuff, she read books about it, she watch documentaries about it, she'd do a lot things that was(were) about the paranormal. Jenny and I became grate(great) friends, we hung out at lunch, we played at recess, and stuff. On my third day of school I was walking home when I saw a newsstand, I saw a newspaper and I remember the front page story and picture like I just saw and read them. "HOTEL MURDER MYSTERY", is what it said, and I saw that the picture was of The Grand Kansas City Hotel... the same hotel we were living in.

I gave the man at the stand fifty cents and walked away with the paper, it said that a murder accrued(occured) in the same room we were in, turns out a housekeeper came to the door, knock, and said, "Housekeeping.", but nobody came. She did it again but got the same results so she walked to the front desk and asked the lady for a key and she gave her one. But when she walked into the room she made a terrifying discovery... the elderly couple living there were found on their bed with a line cut on the back on their heads going strait down to the bottom of their backs, and their skulls, spines, and rib cages were all missing. I ran home and told my parents about what I learned.

"I'm pretty sure nothing bad will happen to us.", said my dad with a shaky voice, I could tell he too(commas before and after 'too') was scared. That night I woke up to the sound of creaking, I scanned my room and saw my door slowly opening, and I could see in the darkness two, yellow,(no need for commas) eyes. Then I heard a car pass by and (saw)lights shining from my window into my room, as the light journeyed across my room it illuminated the head of the figure. It had a white face, blue curly hair, and of course yellow glowing eyes. As soon as I saw this I heard a high pitched scream that made my ears start ringing, I covered them but I was still able to hear the door slam loudly. I then heard my parents running to my room and they opened the door and said, "Ashley! Are you ok?! We heard a scream!, I didn't know what to tell them so I said that I woke from a bad dream. The next day I was walking to school when I met Jenny on the way, after making small talk I figured that since she was into paranormal stuff she'd have an idea on what I was seeing so I asked, " Jenny, I've been having a strange experience lately.", her eyes shot open and a smile ran across her face, I may have only known her for a few days but I could tell that she was really excited to hear about the ghost-like creature I saw.

Jenny turned her head to me and said, "What strange experience?!", I gave her the description of what I've seen and she took her backpack off, unzipped it, and took a big hardcovered book titled 'The Most Strange'(The Strangest Things Out There.)'  Things Out There'. Jenny started flipping through a few pages and then stopped, she showed me a picture on the page and it was of a creature with a familiar face... but the body was just as disturbing. Most if the body was black, but the hands were very sharp claws, and the feet were black tentacles. Needless to say I was freaked out more than ever in my life! Jenny read the book out loud and said that it doesn’t have a name but hunts people for reasons that nobody knows, it would take something under the victim's skin. That only made me even more scared. The only thing I could think about for the rest of the day was that monster, on the way home I planed(planned) that I would have my phone next to me that night and call the police if the thing shows up. That night I laid in bed trying my best to stay awake, I fought furiously to stay awake but at nine pm I lost the fight. I woke up after a dream I only remember that the monster was in, I sat straight up and immediately saw the yellow eyes in the corner of my room. I know I didn't stick to the plan I had earlier, but I for some reason grabbed my phone and ran to the light switch, flipped it on, and looked at the creature that was even more scary in person. The creature gave out the same ear peering scream from before, I opened the door next to the switch and ran outside to see my parents asking me what the big idea was, I grabbed their hands and dragged them out of the room and then the hotel. I dialed 911 on my phone and put it up to my ear, as I heard the dial tone I  looked up at the window to my room and saw the creature staring at me and then it turned around and walked away. The police came a few minutes and they investigated the building... and found a secret room behind a bookshelf, in the room they found a staircase leading down to a room filled with human organs, intestines, and bones, obviously the hotel was closed. I don't know what that thing was, but I believe it was either a ghost or something worst. Well, that was four years ago, I still live in Kansas City, and The Grand Kansas City Hotel has recently reopened, but surely the monster isn't still there... right?

There is plenty more errors here, but I think you'll learn more if you edit it yourself. Each story should undergo a lot of editing and drafting. You should also read up on rules of English grammar. I didn't mean to offend you, but the grammar is not top-notch.

The monster could use some description. A YouTube channel called 'Extra Credits' has a great video on monsters in horror. They deal with video games but that video is great for anyone starting in the horror genre. Good luck with the story.