Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27611826-20160114231034/@comment-24101790-20160114232206

Starting with the basics: who is we? "One night we woke up in our hotel room and after a few minutes of tossing and turning we got out of our bed. We saw that it was 1:30, but decided to get dressed despite the early hour." Referring to the protagonists in plural without explaining who they are makes for an awkwardly told story. You also seem to shift between using plural and singular throughout the story.

Punctuation issues: apostrophes missing from possessive words. "creatures flesh", "bathrooms alcove", etc. There are multiple times when you forget to use a comma/semicolon when utilizing a natural pause. "As we were drawn closer the red silver enlarged and morphed the head until it was a large swirling funnel of red.", "Once we could see it again we gave up and noticed even more the coldness of the creatures flesh", "In the end be they man, beast, or monster we will devour them all.", "Once the door collapsed two skeletal hands entered and found us with ease.", etc.

Awkward wording: "We revealed it, a pitch-black creature.", "We felt a sense of foreboding in our very essence.", "We also noticed how it seems almost like it was a drawing that had escaped its picture to become real." Try reading those sentences aloud to yourself to see the issues.

Wording issues: "The only thing our fear stricken mind(plural) could do was to rush our body into the bathroom, and lock our self (ourselves) in.", "We wondered for a moment on how to fill our selves once more, and then we laughed, as we knew the obvious answer", "As we came to a stop in front of it we felt our self sucked in and we were no longer one, but part of many.", etc.

The story feels very awkward due to the multiple plural/singular issues. The scenes aren't really well-focused on or clear and the ending is pretty lackluster. This really feels like it was written all at once and not proof-read. I'm sorry, but this is going to need drastic re-writting to meet out quality standards.