Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26981815-20160116111256

A (long) while ago, I wrote a creepypasta, The Ghost With Red Pupils (Ik, not the greatest name ever). But a reviewer (FNAFFANF) told me the diary entries felt weird being written as things went on, and the way the protagnostic wrote made it feel like he was using a tape recorder.

Anyways, so I re-wrote the pasta changing the way it's narrated.

Could you please give me an opinion on it, and whether I should make it an official edit or not? Thanks.

Edited pasta:

My wife and I were coming home from a movie we had wanted to see for a while. Our son, Tobias, was ten, so we decided he could be alone by himself until we came back. He was instructed to go to sleep at 08:30, no later than that. Before that he could just watch some television.

We left at 08:00, and came back at 11:00. The film was great. We entered home silently, as our son was asleep. Jessica (my wife) went on his bedroom to check on him, while I changed into my pyjamas.

After a few seconds, I heard Jessica scream, ‘Tobias? TOBIAS?!’ She came rushing into our room and shrieked, ‘Tobias is gone, Alex! He wasn’t in bed!’

I tried to calm her down, I told her he’d probably gone to the bathroom or something. Her face turned red from embarrassment at her own overreaction. I didn’t blame her, though. It was only motherly instinct to panic like this at their children’s ‘disappearances’. We searched the bathroom though, and the kitchen, the bedrooms, the living room, and the balcony, but he was nowhere to be found. We called for him, but no answer came back. My wife was panicking by now.

We called 000 (that’s the police number in Australia). They said they were coming. In the meantime, Jessica was crying in my shoulder (‘Tobias! My only son, disappeared!’), and I was thinking of what to do.

There wasn’t really a whole lot to do, since I had already called the police. Would they find him? What if a serial killer had broken in and kidnapped him? But that couldn’t be possible, since all doors and windows had been locked and yet, none looked like it was forced open. Had he run away? But I didn’t…

I had just spotted a small tape recorder lying on the ground, behind the sofa. As I picked it up, I realized it was my son’s recorder. We had given it to him on his last birthday, and would record on it all the time. Almost like a diary.

A mixture of excitement and panic filled me. Maybe inside it there might were clues about the kidnapper? I started to replay the last recordings on it, starting from when we left home.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN"> 14/10/2015, 8:00pm.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">My parents left today to go to the cinema. I tried asking them to stay, but they insisted they wanted some time for themselves.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">They told me they'd leave me alone here until they came back. I’m so proud, they called me a young man!

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Mum told me to go to bed at 08:30. Before that, I’m watching Ben 10. It’s 08:15 now, according to the clock.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Nothing weird here. I quickly replayed the next recording.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">It’s 08:30. I just turned off television right after Ben 10 finished, and then I turned off the light; I rushed here to bed. I never told anyone about this, but I’m scared of the dark, especially when I’m alone. I’m scared something will catch me. I’m writing this under the covers, with my torch.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Mum will come back in… it’s 08:30 now, they will come back 10:30, so they should come back in 2 hours. There’s no point in waiting. I’ll just sleep, but I’m so excited I can’t! [He said with a very enthusiastic voice] I’ll still try it though.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Again, there was nothing creepy there. However, a feeling of uneasiness crept in me. Had he been kidnapped during his sleep? But that was not possible, there were three more recordings to go.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I woke just up. I was so excited. But… I’m scared of the dark… so I kept under my covers, even though I was sweating! But I later fell asleep because I was so tired.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">But I really need to pee. It’s still dark, and I don’t know if mum and dad came back yet. I’m scared to go to the toilet. What if there’s something waiting to get me? Mum told me I was a young man. Maybe I should go and prove I am. Monsters don’t exist, do they? Ok, I’ll go.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I nervously chuckled at Tobias’s fear of something getting him. But… Someone did get him, didn’t they?

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I saw someone in the living room. I was coming to the bathroom, and I saw a girl in the corner. She had black… What is that white…? I mean, usually white thing in the eyes? Pupil? No, pupil is the centre… I’m not sure the name. Anyway, the girl had black in the part of the eye where it should be white… Her irises were red. Red like blood. [He said, with a seemingly exasperated voice] Her hair was pure black and her skin was the opposite, it was so pale… She was transparent. She was staring at me. I couldn’t even scream, I was so scared. I ran into the bathroom.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I’m sitting on the floor, really scared. What am I going to do? Was it a monster? I think it was a ghost, because I could see through her.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I’m going to pee and then I’ll rush back to bed.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">My hands shook so badly the recorder almost fell. I had to listen further, though, so I selected the next recording.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">[Tobias can be heard half screaming] She’s right outside the door! I opened it, and she was there. Staring at me. Her expression… It was angry. And hungry.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">[He then can be heard crying and sobbing] What do I do now? Should I just sleep here in the bathroom? No, here’s really smelly. But to face the ghost… I’ll try to run into the room.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Again, my mind was completely shocked. Jessica had stopped crying, but her expression had been replaced with utter shock and fear. I replayed the last entry.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">She is not there. She disappeared. I’m recording this while I walk to my room. No sign of her. Was it me having hallucinations? It looked too real. Maybe I’ll just phone mum and tell her what happened, but…

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">[A scream]

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">SHE’S HERE!

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">[More screaming and faint footsteps, as though Tobias was running – he probably was]

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I’m sitting behind the sofa, the girl is there in the living room. [He was speaking in a barely audible whisper, as his voice had clearly been overwhelmed by fear. Faint sobbing could also be heard] She’s walking toward me. Please, God, help me…

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">[A sudden scream]

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">SHE’S G-

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">The last word had been interrupted as the recording suddenly ended.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">The police came in a few minutes later. They asked us questions, we explained everything. They said maybe Tobias was just pulling a prank on us (they were skeptical about the ‘ghost’, obviously), and would shortly come back home.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">But I wasn’t reassured; Tobias is not like that. It’s not like him to make such a joke. After two and a half hours, our son still hadn’t turned up, and the policemen asked us to evacuate the building, as it was now a crime scene. We went to a hotel and slept there. I was still in shock of what I had heard; Jessica’s face was a tone of sickly red, and her eyes were soaking wet.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">Six months passed, Tobias was nowhere to be found, and we’ve given up all hope. An hour ago, Jessica… passed away. From her own will. She couldn’t go on without him. I don’t really want to talk about it.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">I’m writing this as an attempt to find an answer. If anyone on this site will knows what happened, who that girl is, or why she did that to Tobias, please tell me.

<p style="line-height:15.75pt"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Helvetica",sans-serif;color:#D5D4D4;mso-ansi-language:EN">There is one last thing I haven’t told you yet, though… something that most of you won’t even believe, but that’s ok. I have trouble believing it myself. A few minutes after Jessica… you-know-what, I saw some movement on a nearby room. When I went there, I saw something for a couple of seconds before I blinked and it disappeared… A girl. Her skin looked painfully pallid, and her hair was quite the opposite, an absolute black. And her eyes… her pupils were red, while the sclera was as black as her hair.

<p style="margin:0cm0cm8pt;line-height:normal;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:#D4D4D5;mso-ansi-language:EN">She was grinning at me. And on her hand…

<p style="margin:0cm0cm8pt;line-height:normal;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:#D4D4D5;mso-ansi-language:EN">She was holding a head, by the hair. The decapitated head of a boy who died crying. The decapitated head of Tobias. <ac_metadata title="What do you think about this major edit?"> </ac_metadata>