Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24219537-20141103061519/@comment-24056975-20141103075609

I'm not sure if the main events take place over one night or two. Lucas talks to the super at about 2 am, then tries to sleep on the couch. Then it was midnight again. Did the super come back in the morning? Did Lucas talk to any other tenants? Was that time a typo? If it is meant to be more than one day, I'd suggest compressing it down to one night unless you have something to say during the day between.

More on the subject of time, did anything happen in the first few months Lucas was there? You state that nothing happened for the last few, which doesn't work the way you want it to in this context. Of course, I'm for compressing the timeframe of your story, so I might suggest axing that detail entirely. Also, check your verb tenses. You keep bouncing between past and present tense.

I don't like that he just sleeps as the radiators grow louder, then wakes up. What if he tried to sleep as they kicked and popped. He tossed and turned in the sweltering heat and tried to ignore what sounded like a nest of vipers in his bedroom. Milk it and make it uncomfortable. Don't let him sleep, keep him tired and irritable and weaker than he realizes.

The twist of the super being the Devil and wanting to eat him was weak. You need to foreshadow stuff like that better than just saying he's well fed. Also, it's just a weak point overall. The devil is too prominant a figure in the public concious to just be running an apartment building just to eat the guests. You'd be better off with a generic or original demon or monster, or even a human cannibal. You can still describe his face as daemonic in the end. Or you can try to justify it while working in elements to fit the reader's expectations for Satan.

You have way too many commas. Some of them could be replaced with periods and some are just unnecessary. None of the semi-colons you have in here are used right, periods or commas would be better in most every case.

You also have extraneous words mixed in, like "thier multitiude, variety of..." Pick either word and lose the (also unneeded) comma. Some of the word order needs changed as well, "dried red stains" just sounds a bit better than "red dried stains." Also, "Leave" is just one word, not words.

Hope this has been helpful.