Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4993676-20141107145817/@comment-4993676-20141108193323

Thank you for all the critique. Really, I am very grateful for it, and I will keep what you said in mind in the future. You've helped me a lot. Though I have some points you made that I want to reply to, but please don't think that just because I haven't replied to all of what you said that it hasn't stuck with me.

"I find it odd that John is a teacher at just twentyone."

Yeah, I gave this much thought because it is quite odd, but I looked it up and there are teachers out there that are as young as John. I don't know exactly their circumstances, but I decided to try and go with it anyway. Maybe this is bad writing on my part.

"Is it meant to be a surprise that John is the murderer?"

Not necessarily. Yes, in premise it was supposed to be, but as I wrote it more and more I decided that it would be fine for people to catch on very early. I believe this only enhances the experience. This way the reader can play the part of John's ignored voice of reason. There were quite a few points in the story where John caught himself thinking that he might have been the killer, but chose to deny it. I don't see how this was cliche. Another product of his denial is the whole silhouette thing that his mind created in the first place. You see, John is quite obviously very childish and a biproduct of this is his cowardice (hence why he seeks protection from someone else). It's also the source of his inability to take insults and his rage when he doesn't get his way. Except, he knows he's weak and can't do anything about it himself. This can also be one of the main reasons his other personality was created.

"Why are there so many bodies in this pit?"

It was supposed to hint at the fact that John may have been killing people long before the story started, but while he was blacked out. You aren't supposed to know them, but you're right that it would have been better to drop some more hints about that, like at least having something mention of many disappearances. Also, it could be speculated that his father had the same habit as John did (he was a painter).

"Heather resists until he yells, then she follows him docily?"

Heather wants to care for John, and she doesn't want to believe he's dangerous. Although doubts had been forming in her head towards the end, it hadn't been enough. Heather has a strong loyalty to her friends, and could be a push-over due to that at points (the whole Susan's phone thing). She's known about, and had been dealing with John's condition for years. She wants to deny what John is maybe even more than he does.

"He takes Heather's death too easily" You could very well be right about that. Though perhaps in these moments when John is reduced to just an alternate personality pushed into the back of the controlling personality's mind, he isn't lucid enough to carry thoughts with such weight? I don't know if that is valid enough or not.

"I wonder if it's worth changing, for him to realize that he is the shadowy murderer and kill her to free her before he loses control again."

That would be interesting, and I can't say whether or not it would be better. Though, in my opinion I don't think John would ever do something like this. Him and his alternate personality are very deeply linked to his core being. The "silhouette" is the embodiment of a more raw and stronger John, and all of the hateful thoughts he has. He wouldn't do anything that John doesn't secretly want to do as well. This means that it was John's wish to let her die this way. To keep her as a trophy until she withered away.

"All those details that I was expecting to tie into the story didn't tie in as well as I'd hoped. The story's introduction doesn't even tie in with the rest of the chronology you've given."

A ton of details are supposed to be left to the reader to ponder when the story is done with. A ton of details about John (many of which I've explained in this post), were only hinted at and it was my intention not to crowd the story with over explaining them. Though as far as I can see, they do play a part in the story regardless, as deeper insight into the reasoning behind what happens. Maybe you could explain more specifically which you are talking about? As far as the intro not fitting in goes, it does. The part just after John knocks out Heather is directly after the intro. I hint at the intro further by calling back to him waking up in the pit, and him using the key to open the room Heather's in. It's possible I still didn't do this well enough, I admit. But it is referenced.

That's all I had to reply to. Again, thank you for your critique. It's very helpful.