Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26814449-20150724020710/@comment-26475800-20150724024052

Okay, where should we start? Before I start pointing out things that will need to be changed with this, know that I may sound harsh but am not trying to be.

This story needs a lot of work. You tell us about how brave the protagonist is, but never show us anything; same with emotions. Show us how the person is feeling don't tell us. You can tell us that the protagonist always felt brave because of not having nightmares and what not, but you have to show us with the feelings. That is one of the first big issues. The only time you showed us was when the character was shaking, which is a good way to do it, but don't make him be surprised by this.

Your wording is awkward at times and confusing at others. read of this any you will most likely find things that either don't sound right or don't make any since. Because of this it slowed the story down heavily because I had to think of what you were trying to get across.

The first half is really slow and shallow. It is all about how great the protagonist is, it bogs down the story and makes people not want to read it. Again show people about these things don't tell them. When you write a story watch it in you head like a movie, if you have the ability to do that. Don't just think of words to put on paper, because that makes the story slow, boring, and poor. When people read they are going to see what you want them to, if you take the time telling them about how a person feels they wont be able to see that. If you tell them how great a person is for no other reason than being great they will see that person as a pompous or bombastic. When a person gets scared they shake, get chills, goosebumps, jumpy, wide eyed, all of those things and more can be used to explain how a person if feeling, and that is just for fear.

Don't use the word creepypasta in a creepypasta. Also don't make a reference to a creepypasta. It kills the mood.

Don't tell people that it is a dream before he wakes up. It killed the little tension that had been built up to that point, and made it rather boring to read. Because, it is known there is no real danger. Keep that part a mystery until later int he story when he wakes up.

As a side note, dream twists are kind of lame. Not saying don't use them, but they have been done to death way before creepypasta had come around, hell, way before the internet had come around.

This seems like it is written as a journal, is that correct? If it is, people don't expect others to read their journal. The idea of it being a journal is one of the best things it has going for it, but it needs to be done properly. You broke the fourth wall by addressing the reader, which is a no-no in journal stories. Unless, of course that is the twist at the end. But if this was to be a blog post that would explain that. Of course, if it was a blog post people would already know you and you wouldn't have to give all the back story you did.

Your grammar needs some work as well.

Okay, so if you don't hate me entirely by now you have a tough skin. A tough skin is needed to write well. people are going to say things that piss you off about everything you write. Learn what you can from those things. Sometimes the things that are pointed out are true, others they are false. You will have to be able to choose what is what and make the best of it.