Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25193000-20140930061617/@comment-24381191-20141002143435

If this is the first time you've ever written a story, it's better than most.

First off, your paragraphs are too short. They're just one or two lines. Try to make them a little longer. Either elaborate on some things, like, describe them more, and also join paragraphs that don't need to be separated.

Second, you don't have to put dialogue in italics, it should be in inverted commas like this, "It's your fault that I am what I am," Dolly said.

'Doli's father, Daniel Soul was an artist and a doll maker. He had always loved  dolls and he made them look like real people.

It was a quiet day in January 6th, 1999.'

This jumps too quick, it feels unnatural. Maybe it should start with 'It was a quiet day in January 6th, 1999.' and the part about the father being a dollmaker should be incorporated into the story, like, 'Dolly went downstairs, but her father wasn't in the kitchen. She knew where he was. She found her father in his workshop, working on a doll. The numerous dolls placed in the room seemed to be staring at Doli, and this made her feel uneasy.' See? You can probably write something better than that but, hopefully you get the idea.

The people's reactions aren't realistic, the girls wouldn't just stand there and scream, they'd run away as Craig had. Also, the teacher, seeing her face, would also not wait for her to rip his arm out, he would either run or back away.

'You could see no brains, the inside of her head was just dark. Then, all of a sudden, you could see a light coming from inside of the crack.' Try to write, without saying stuff like 'you could.' It could be sort of like this, 'There wasn't a brain inside her head, it was just completely dark. Then, all of a sudden, a light came from inside the crack.'

Other than that, few grammatical errors (that were probably typos), like:

 Ruined my beaty,*Beauty

 i'm pretty, I should be capitalized.

  boys hands. *boy's

'' on the sixth grade. *in the sixth grade''

Craig was interrupted by a girl, that Doli knew from her class. Unneeded comma here.