Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20180126094143/@comment-28428152-20180127231510

Some suggestions:

"There's a mirror on my bedside. I've turned it away from me. It faces the window now. I haven't mustered the strength to look into it, but it taunts me. All mirrors do. I'm so...terrified (remove comma) of mirrors lately. And it's not even that I don't know what I'll see; it's that (remove comma) I don't think I'd be able to cope (remove comma) once I've seen it with my own eyes.

"I catch glimpses though. Terrible glimpses. And the brief, lucid flashes (remove comma) horrify me. (It's l)ike seeing the startled silhouette of a puppet (remove comma) staring back through the darkness with glowing eyes, utterly (and) perfectly upset. It's...uneasy. Is that man in the shadows truly me? Are those eyes in the darkness the same eyes, whose terrible vision they do reflect?

" I can't even tell whether anything is real (anymore), or if I'm simply drifting in same vague, terrible realm of semi-coherent cadaveric babble, like the whispering secrets of a graverobber.

" I'm probably not making much sense, right now. To be honest, I've lost track of the fine line between sense and nonsense. Hard to tell what's normal. (C'est la vie)? Who can say anymore?

" Things have seemed normal. I'm sure if you -- any of you, like mannequins gazing through the uncleaned glass, (or perhaps I am the mannequin?) -- had seen me ( --) and maybe you have...(. F)orgive me if I lose track of the story, but time has become very illusory to me lately, and it gets hard to keep track of dates and statements through the windows and fog. But if any of you had seen me, and maybe you have, I doubt you'd find many things amiss."

" And at least, (as far as) I can tell, my daughter loves me. Or perhaps she has been conditioned to act like it; not (behaving) with intent (remove comma) at all, but instead just walking through the motions like a windup toy, neglected to time, but still ticking? Who am I to criticize, if that were the case (?)

" It's so dreadfully, awfully (remove comma) dull. I've begun to feel ill. Dull (remove comma) and ill (remove comma) in a way that (nulls) the senses, to the point (to) where I've begun to forget seemingly important things. Or (did) I forget them? I can't shake the feeling that, at some point (remove comma) long past, there were other memories. Another life. Did I not have a wife before this wife? A child before this daughter? A job before this office charade?

" I'm haunted by my own body. My hands, my arms, my eyes, my brain (--) the senseless mass of greymatter that it is (--) (have) begun to rot (remove comma) in this environment. That's why, for a few weeks now, I've taken to narrating my life (remove comma) out loud (remove comma) before I go to bed. My wife (remove ", she") seems concerned. I suppose she should be. I don't talk about her in the most forgiving of lights. She's had me visit a therapist.

" As much as I don't trust him, he's told me to start writing down these winding thoughts (remove comma) on paper. So, I'm doing just that, now, instead of talking aloud, to myself. I suppose, in a way, I'm writing to somebody specific to you, doctor."

" I've seen many things that don't make sense. Too many people observe me. Eyes peer from the closet (remove ", ah,") and under the bed. Voices in the pipes, in the air between the buildings, I hear them whisper about me. Like a sort of gross gibberish. My dreams consist of nothing but strangers, whose eyes peer into me (remove comma) with a sort of awful judgemental glare. Who are these people, I wonder(?) Are they those memories I feel I have forgotten?

" I’ve become disenchanted, although I can’t seem to remember ever being enchanted in the first place. I hope I’ve gone terribly mad. Hope, because if I haven’t, if these visions, these paranoias are real, (then) I’d feel terribly guilty to abandon those who care about me to (this) cruel empty world surrounding us. I’ve spent far too long dreaming, far too long swimming in an empty pool. I’d like to wake up now."

A very enjoyable read, though! I would also suggest simply have this as part of the original story, as there isn't really any of inciting event or clear division within the plots of either.