Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27697299-20160129093401

I need some help with a story i'm writing. Please read it and give me some feedback. Any ideas i will try and put in.

Thanks

Phil Raptor

The Man in the Black Suit

“Are you going to tell me why you called me yet Rick?” asked Trey nervously. I wipe the sweat from my brow. Fear often makes me very sweaty. “Yeah but I can’t tell you what happened tonight.” I tell him. “Why not?” he questions. “Because it makes more sense if I tell it from the start.” He nods. “Okay, then tell me it from the start.” I take a deep breath and begin my story.

For you readers I’m going to have to tell you who I am, or you won’t trust me. My name’s Rick Grayson, I’m 24 years old. I can’t really say much else since what happened, because I fear any more info would lead Him to me. Who’s him? You’re probably asking me. Well I can’t tell you that till my stories done. Anyway my story starts in a local park (Park name is censored for safety reasons).

I was walking around trying to familiarise myself with the place, I had just moved in to this area. I had stumbled upon a dirt path leading into the woods. Me being me I decided to walk down the path. 20 minutes in I got bored so I headed home, and yes there was nothing in there except for a broken down house and a strange rock I decided to keep. When I got home I set up all my security systems; Camera’s, Alarm’s even minor traps. After making sure everything was functional I went to sleep.

After what I think is 3 hours of sleep I hear a window being smashed in. I wake up with a jolt. I head for the gun strapped to the bottom of my desk and head towards the kitchen. When I reach the kitchen I almost panic. There’s a man wearing a black hoodie going through my books. I turn the corner, aim the gun at him and say, “Bad move mate. Step away from the cupboards.” He raises his hands and looks at me. There’s blood all over him, His clothes torn and ripped in places. But the thing that unnerved me was the colour of the blood. It was black, and not just any black, pitch black. His clothes were once a beautifully tailored black suit. His eyes were glowing a pale green, like a cat. “Where is it?” he says in a croaky voice. Blood dripping off of him as he talks. I just look at him with dumbfound curiosity. “WHERE IS IT!” he yells. His voice deeper than it was last time. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” I tell him, thinking of what he could be looking for if it wasn’t money. “The rock, where is it?” he says. “What rock?” I ask him. He starts getting frustrated. “Don’t play dumb with me, Where’s the rock you took from [Name Censored] Park!” It hit me what he was trying to tell me. “Oh that rock. I’ll be right back with it.” I said.

You’re probably saying, What the fuck man, why give him what he wants. Well I failed to mention he was also aiming a gun at my head and his one look like it could make a bigger hole than mine. I reach the bedroom and open the cupboard that holds the rock I found. I get back to the kitchen to find him having a seizure on the floor. I was about to help him when he suddenly stopped. He looked at me and said. “''Run. Before he gets you. RUN!''” that’s what makes me run to the door. I slam it open, almost ripping it off its hinges, jumped in my car and drove all the way to a Trey’s house.

“…and that’s how I got here.” I finish off with. Trey looks dumbfounded at me as he takes it all in. “Do you have anything to eat, because I didn’t really have anything before I got here?” He nods. “There some left over pizza in the fridge if you want.” “Thanks.” I say. I get up and walk into the kitchen. I open the fridge and was about to grab the box in there when I heard a noise from behind me. I turn around and see Trey’s dog Lex. I laugh at my fear and head into the lunge area. Everything went to hell after I left. The lights are flickering, Trey’s leaning back in his chair with his throat slit open in a crescent and the T.V showing nothing but static. What makes me shit my pants though is a dark shadow standing behind Trey. It’s eyes a bright green, It’s suit as black as ever, teeth glowing red and horns sharpened to a point. “Did you really think you could run from me?” it says in a cruel, deep voice. It smiles at my face. “''No one gets far when running from me. Join me. Become me Rick.''” It said. I shake my head. “Ove my dead body.” I tell it. It just laughs at me though.  “That can be arranged.” It rushes at me with its claws outstretched. That’s all I can remember from that night. Every day I wake up in that broken down house and every night it comes out to play. No matter who I tell, they just show up dead the next day. Me telling you this story could just be signing you death warrant. Remember if you see a man with medium cut black hair, black suit and a cut across his face. RUN!  