Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25636022-20141109143657/@comment-9967354-20141111133324

Sorry this took me a while, but I've skipped the draft and got here directly. It's lazy of me, but I dont feel the need to read that one.

So firstly the critical comment: the poem does not follow an important rule for sonnets. The rule that makes them really difficult to write. You're supposed to have an iambic pentameter here. I see quite a few faults in your pentameter that does not make it rhythmic enough.

I like the idea, though. Of having a third eye. It's wide enough to write in a sonnet form. However, there are sentences here that I do not understand. Poetry doesn't mean one forgets his sentence structure. The trick is to fit it in with the rhythm of the poem.

By that, I mean: ...endure, I'd / I use my eye...

Another thing; I don't think you've brought out what you mean in some lines. At least not effectively. ...the sight of darkness, it's thirst. And the next line, too. I can figuratively sense the trouble the syllable count has given you. And that's never good. Sonnets need to have an easy flow -hard to write, but so easy to read. Easy to memorise. You've got some evident forced rhymes there, and words that don't /quite/ fit in the poem for the sake of the pentameter.

My advice to you would be to take things slowly. Jot down your thoughts, then work on the meter. Make it rhyme and make it catchy. Lastly, make sure your meaning gets out of the cage you've built around it. Your poem needs more expression and emotion. Put it in there. If nothing works, don't be afraid to write something simpler. Like blank verse, which is an unrhymed sonnet, pretty much.

Also, what kind of sonnet are you writing, here? Italian or Shakespearean? I don't quite remember the writing scheme for either.