Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20160705183801/@comment-28266772-20160707140938

If you are trying to decide whether to go in to work one day or not, there is a separate reality where you decided the opposite. [I think this prior sentence might be better in the past participle i.e. If you have decided to go in to work one day, there is a separate reality where you have decided the opposite

Sometimes I dream about running errands, eating, talking with friends,[semicolon maybe?] the usual stuff.

A few people dream only once in a blue moon, [and] others dream about something every night. I just saw my dreams in third person. It felt like there was nothing out of the ordinary happening so I never really really [I don’t know if this repetition is on purpose but I thought I’d point it out anyway] tried to come up with a conclusion to all of this. I realized that I was seeing parallel realities when I was thirteen years old.

My last coherent memory of the accident was the sound of the car engine slowly stalling and stoping [stopping] while my dad tried to scream through a broken jaw and deflated lung. I slipped into unconsciousness just as my father stopped screaming. [screaming is repeated a bit here.]

Each felt like an out-of-body experience that I drifted into [maybe just ‘in’?] and out of.

Someone quickly rushed over and through the haze, I couldn’t make out any of their facial features [I think this sentence is incomplete].

I managed to do [‘do’ is a mistake I think] escape two days before I was set to be discharged.

-

“You fainted, like back then. We need to get you checked out.”

I answered, [new line? Not sure.] “N-no, I just stood up too fast and felt faint. It’s nothing to be worried about.”

-

Even if I could managed [manage] to sift through the millions of alternate realities to find my original one, what chance did I have of returning to my body?

He stared at the knife help [held] against his wrist for minutes before I stepped in.

-

So overall I’d say the writing in the first few paragraphs feels a bit stunted at times. Might be worth a read over to see if you can improve the flow. Everything starting with the car crash and afterwards is top notch though, and very well described. I think this is a great story – I’m not sure I see why it’d be polarizing. I think it’s a great concept that’s executed well and at a comfortable pace, with a good length. I’m not sure about the ending – as BlizzardLemon pointed out it feels a bit odd. The sheer damage this kid does in order to survive only to then kill themselves feels strange. Feels like a fizzle, not a bang.

I think it’d be better to wrap up the themes of collateral damage with something that sees the appropriate comeuppance for the narrator. That, or they develop the capacity to undo their damage (somehow). It’d be up to you whether you want this character to have their redemption, or karmic retribution – but I definitely think the suicide is a bit of a cop out that robs the audience of the necessary catharsis.

<p class="MsoNormal">Funnily enough I’m reminded of butterfly effect, and the jacket, both movies which deal with moveable consciousnesses. And both films also struggle to ratify their endings. In the case of the butterfly effect I know they actually filmed more than one ending due to these difficulties. It speaks volumes about how difficult it can be to wrap up these sorts of narratives.

<p class="MsoNormal">I’d like to make the suggestion that you introduce a pay off between the act of leaping, and the need to escape the headaches, such that the character is ultimately forced to make one final leap that will be irreversible; a leap which they have very little control over. I think the character should then wake up in a version of themselves that had committed a lengthy string of terrible crimes, and is awaiting the death penalty. This would help provide the ‘how and why’ of the MC writing an account of their lives, while also adding the twisted joke that they will, ultimately, receive the appropriate legal punishment for mass/serial murder. [It would also provide closure regarding the writing itself, since anyone who read this would immediately dismiss it as the guilt ridden ramblings of a violent criminal].

<p class="MsoNormal">This is just a suggestion of course – once it popped into my head I couldn’t let it go without at least putting it out there. Overall this is an awesome story, and I think it’d make a great addition to your works even with the ending being left 'as is'.