Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26525489-20160720175420/@comment-26525489-20160720234156

I absolutely agree with you.

This initially began as a writing exercise. I set the restriction so that I would have to write a story to fit certain guidlines. I had to expand my language and descriptors at some points and shave down my words at others. It was practice to work on pacing and keeping my storytelling within the certain rules of a particular style. After finishing the exercise, I was pretty happy with the work and I wanted to get some feedback here. However, if this is going to continue on to be an actual story on the real site, expansion will definitely be necessary.

Those who have insomnia aren't really themselves at night. They're tired, but only when they're not trying to sleep. Often, they are drawn to noise (white noise, tvs at low volume) to allow them to sortof zone out, focusing on nothing and get the closest thing to rest they can achieve. This is why I think I was drawn to the noise I heard in real life and one of the big inspirations for this story. My character obviously felt drawn to the sound much more intensely than I, and I failed to paint a reason for that. There is no evidence of mental instability or severe lapses in logic in his thought processes and, short of some slight personification early on, nothiing outwardly supernatural or enticing about the sound. In order for the story to work as is, I would have to assume that the audience is A) familiar with insomnia and the emotions and motivations one feels because of it and B) they are willing to fill in the blanks and label my character mentally unstable to a certain degree. Neither of these are terribly safe assumptions to make and I appreciate you pointing out that more motivation and explanation are needed on this front.

Additionally, I also agree the ending to be cliche and almost a cop out from writing an actual ending. I think the idea of less lines at the end frightened me, so I went with something safe. For the sake of my own redemption, and hopefully your enjoyment, I composed a possible alternate ending that still follows the rules I set for myself. It is likely still anticlimactic, but hopefully more poetic. If I were to decide to revise this story and break the rules I set, I could potentially make this ending as full and satisfying as the rest of the story deserves. This ending would replace the last three paragraphs. Here it is:

"After a few minutes, he discovered the source of the sound. It was originating from a grey box, mounted about four feet off the ground and illuminated enough by the light from the window to be recognized as a carbon monoxide detector.

Panicking, he tried to stand up. However, his body was already becoming weak and he was unable to rise to his feet. His struggling continued for a bit, but slowly petered out.

He closed his eyes, took a breath, and gave in, finally finding his sleep."

There is still a lot of work that could be done to make this into a full story. If even one person would like to see that happen, I would consider it worth my time and be more than happy to do it. If everyone thinks this is fine as an exercise and I should just use it as a learning experience and move on, I would not be upset by that. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this and giving your input!

I really appreciate it!



