Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25012337-20140523015807

I'm adjusting many things from my previous story. I'd like to hear feedback from beginning to where it is now, and suggestions for progress. Keep in ming that this creepypasta is still  in development.

It’s 1985. Today it’s just another boring day on Earth for everyone. I, Jessie Elenmeyer, anticipate that today is just going to be a boring day as any other. I already woke up to see the generic view of my street from Chicago, and now I’m going to see my mom and go to work. You probably wonder why I this bored am. Well, I’m like that since the divorce of my parents.

 I miss a lot my father. He used to entertain me all the time, although my mother was like any girl for the old times: boring, irritating and dumb. He’s the one that made me think I’d be someone with a great future, having a healthy family and be happy everyday. However, when I was 13, my dad was forced to go away because of his job and he couldn’t stand my mom’s immaturity anymore. He couldn’t take me with him because he though he couldn’t handle me by himself, so I had to stay with my annoying mother, and I still need to help her nowadays. It’s not her fault for being like that though; she has some body deficiencies and has some serious dieceases.

 Since then, I had nobody to help me in my knowledge and I failed the year many times in school, and in a certain point I decided to leave school. Nowadays, I work in a mirror factory. I spend many hours working there, and I barely have any time to have fun. However, when I do, I listen to any music that plays in the radio. I enjoy doing this a lot, too bad I have this calm moment for about a few minutes, since I normally have to take care of my mother and does some other stuff.

 So, just as you expected there wasn’t anything special today, so far. I think it’s time to do something quite different. I heard about a dance club near my mom’s house. I think I’m going there today at night.

 The night arrived. I helped my mother at some things, and warned her about the change I was planning.

 -Mother, please, I really need to have some fun somewhere now. I know you need me a lot, but could you please take care of yourself for a while?

 -Sure daughter, no problem at all. Just make sure you have already done your house chores.

 -I did, mom. I’m going to dress myself up to the club now. Please, take care of yourself.

 I went to my bedroom and dressed myself up and I also put makeup. I was very happy at this moment; I never took care of myself since a long time. When I was done, I entered my car and went to the dance club.

 When I arrived, I noticed it was a pretty charming place, with cool looking people. Just when I entered the place itself, the public was dancing to “Karma Chameleon”. After looking at the bar for a while, someone tried to grab my attention. It was a good looking guy. I decided to take a chance on him. I sat near him and started talking.

 -Hey there, enjoying the party?

 -Sure I am, but that’s not the reason I tried to call you, ya know.

 -I know that! So, tell me, who are you?

 -Nice to meet you! My name is Jefferson Hamber. I’m a singer who sings for shows in many kinds of places with my new wave band Glowstones.We work in multiple cities, including Chicago. I’m here just to have a good time with myself. What about you?

 -Well, I’m just a person who works for a mirror factory, nothing special. I often spend time taking care of my mother and doing house chores. I rarely do something different, and you’re probably noticing, this is my first time in a dance club. Honestly, it’s much better than I expected. Are you good at dancing? Monotonous talking is not too entertraining, you know…

 -Fine then, let’s dance to whatever is playing!

 When we danced in the dance floor, he impressed me. Not just that he’s a really good dancer, but he also has a great voice for singing. We spent the time dancing for about 2 hours.

<p class="MsoNormal"> When I started to feel tired,I told him to stop. Then, we exited the place.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hey, that was fun! What about we go spend time somewhere again? Here, take my job and home address and my phone number. Try calling me someday again, okay?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes, I promise I will. See ya!

<p class="MsoNormal"> When I entered home, everything was fortunately normal. I saw my mom sleeping already, so I decided it was time to rest for today.

<p class="MsoNormal"> For many days, my generic routine was back. Work, house chores and sleep all over again, until someday in a random time in a morning I got courage to call Jefferson again.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hey, it’s you again!

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Sorry for calling you in a random time, you’re probably busy doing something about your job.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -No problem, sweetie. Anyway, what do you want?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I’d like to hang out with you again somewhere, could be today before afternoon?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That’s okay for me. What about I present you my band?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That sounds great!

<p class="MsoNormal"> -We’re in our studio, come visit us. I think I putted our studio’s address in that card I gave you too.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Okay, I’ll go check it and I’l try to go there. Bye!

<p class="MsoNormal"> I found the address. It’s located in a pretty far part from the centre, so I’m going to take a while to arrive. I also need to warn about this to my boss.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I was almost finishing working, when I remembered about the meeting. I went to my boss office. Fortunately, Mr Davidson was there.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hello, Jessie, how can I help you?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Can I finish work a bit earlier than the expected today, please?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Jessie, please, pays attention for what I’m going to say. You’ve been an unproductive worker since the last week. You know that I get mad at lazy workers, right? I will let you go, but only today. However, if you keep doing almost nothing in the production sector, something really bad might happen, only for you, obviously.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Understood. I’ll keep your message in my mind. Farewell.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I’m glad I could exit work earlier. This place is a horrible place to work. It’s dirty and loud. It’s the perfect combination of stress, and Mr Davidson is actually really that mad. One simple mistake and he already discounts money from your salary, and it’s because of that and my laziness why I barely have any money left at the end of the month. I have already considered changing my job, but moving to another factory wouldn’t have many differences.

<p class="MsoNormal"> When I went to Jefferson’s studio, I was welcomed by one of the bad’s members.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hello madame, may I help you?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes, sure. I’d like to speak with Jefferson.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -No problem, I’ll call him. Have a seat meanwhile.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I ate some candy, and Jefferson suddenly appeared.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hey Jessie, could we please go to another place? We’re done working for today, and I want to talk about more private stuff.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That’s fine. What about we go to the shopping mall nearby?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Good idea! Let’s go.

<p class="MsoNormal"> We arrived at the mall. We went to a coffee stand, and then we started talking.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -So, Jessie, do you consider me as your boyfriend?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Sure I do. I was waiting for someone to care about me, other than my father. But tell me, what you were doing recently?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -We were writing a new song by ourselves. However,I don’t wanna mention its theme yet. I think you’ll like it though.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That sounds nice. Meanwhile, I’m often being punished by my boss from the factory I work at. I think we should make plans that involve both of us in an adventure. I’m sick of Chicago, my mother needs more medical help that I can’t afford, and my job place is starting to make me go crazy. Could you help me by someway?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Sure I can, but I’m not a rich person. If the medicine is too expensive, I won’t allow you to take my money,since I also need to buy medicine against allergies,and it’s not cheap at all,and I still need money to spend money in basic needs,objects and the list goes on.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -If you can lend me 5000 dollars without having problems, that’s great.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I think I can. I’ll deposit money in your bank account tomorrow. How often will I have to give you money though?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Just once, probably. The medicine recovers body injuries forever, at least by what medics say.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Okay, then. When you buy the medicine, do you have any plans about your job?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I’m planning to keep being lazy at work until Mr Davidson fires me. However, I’ll only do that if you have any plans of living anywhere else with me.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That sounds like a nice idea. However, grab as much money as you can to help me spend at our future house.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I shall do that.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Maybe we can move to somewhere where anyone from your family lives. What about your father?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I’d love to see my father again. He works as a psychologist in San Francisco. I don’t know anything about anyone else from my family though. I barely had any contact with anyone else other than my mother and father. According to my father, my family is not a good example of a good family for many reasons. I want to meet him again to know what the reasons are as well.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Sounds like a good plan. I’ll talk to my band mates to see if everyone agrees at moving our studio as well.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Okay then, I’ll be very patient. Promise me that it won’t take more than a month to move to San Francisco?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I do, don’t worry.

<p class="MsoNormal"> We drank some coffee after this conversation, and we were both quiet, only doing facial expressions as a communication way. After that, we decided to go to our homes.

<p class="MsoNormal"> When I entered home, I was desperate to talk about the amazing news for my mother. She was going to sleep in her bedroom.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Mother, I have amazing news to tell you!

<p class="MsoNormal"> -What is it, girl?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I and my boyfriend made a deal, and I am going to take some money from him to buy medicine to solve your body problems!

<p class="MsoNormal"> -That’s so great, daughter! I’m so proud of you! I wonder why you didn’t mention this boyfriend business that’s going on earlier though…

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I just simply forgot to tell you, mom. Good to see that you’re happy with me though, after many years of effort to take care of you.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -No more words to say, though. All I want from you now at this moment is to go to sleep; you must be really tired after this big deal.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -I will, mom. Good night!

<p class="MsoNormal"> For a week, I worked hard in my job to don’t get fired in the wrong time, and I stopped talking to Jefferson for a while, he also had a tough week. After the end of the weekend, I called Jefferson again. We had a long chat in the phone.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hey Jefferson, I need to talk about our plan from the last weekend. I already bought the medicine my mother needed. She doesn’t need my help anymore. I am now free to go anywhere we want. Do you have enough money to loan an appartment or house from San Francisco?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes I do have. Try doing something to get fired. I had a chat with my band about this in the morning. Everyone agrees with us. We’re going to rent an empty room for our studio and a decent house for us to live. Could we talk about some other details outside the phone today?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes, I’m free after work.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Okay. Meet me at the part near my current studio.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Okay, bye.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Near the end of my working period, I made a “huge” mistake of not cleaning the piece of mirror from garbage. Mr Davidson soon saw the disaster I made.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -What’s this?! Do you think this is quality work?! That’s absurd! I think you’re asking to be fired, so I’ll officially tell you that you’re fired! Now, get out of this place!

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Ugh, fine…

<p class="MsoNormal"> Even though I’m not extremely happy for being fired, I’m glad to know that I might have chances of going to work somewhere less stressful. Maybe I can convince Jefferson to let me work with him at some part in his music stuff.

<p class="MsoNormal"> I went to the park he mentioned before. It’s a pretty beautiful place, very well preserved for a public park. After a while, he appears.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Hello my cute flower, let’s just go straight for our plans. So, we need to talk more about some detais, right?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes we do, but don’t worry, it’s not much. I just wanna know when you plan to move to our new place? And is it going to be a house or an appartment.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Fortunately, I made a deal with my bank, and we’re going to rent a house for a much lower cost than planned. We can go there anytime. You made your boss fire you, right?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Yes, I did. I’m now free. However, I need to warn my mother and my father about that though. But now, I ask you about your parents. Where do they live or what do they do?

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Well, it’s a sad story. They died in a car accident when I was 21, by crashing their car on a sign.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Oh, I’m sorry to make you remember that. You probably miss them.

<p class="MsoNormal"> -Actually, not really. They were rich, but they never really allowed me to do what I wanted. I’m only an artist nowadays because of their death. They used to think I was going to be a lawyer, a medic, a scientist, or anything I hated. By the way, I studied medicine until they died, and I always have studied everyday. But I don’t think studying like crazy added much affect for me. If I choose for being a simple person like you and a medic, I’d rather take a job at a factory. At least there’s not much to do, and you don’t explode your mind just to pass an university exam. I was going to do that actually, but then I discovered I’m a guy who was born for art. I discovered that after talking to one of my few friends, and the nowadays drummer from our band, Austin Tenner, when he told me to write a song and sing it. He was impressed, and after meeting some other people, we work as a band. <ac_metadata title="Creepypasta in development (Request for feedback and progress suggestions)"> </ac_metadata>