Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-6822927-20180929234814/@comment-35711173-20180930011156

Ah, much better. This is the place.

First, your English is generally good.

"To admire one’s work and feel true satisfaction of it was always a relief, especially in my dreams."

I would replace the "of" with a "from" to have the correct article determiner.

"They’d failed for so long that foolishness was a term they had long since outdone and redefined." is a convoluted sentence.

"But for now, I prepared to sleep, so that I could dream of those big beautiful orbs, once more full of life, surrounding and staring into me within a dark void." is a run-on sentence. It also starts with "But" - not a mortal sin but a venial one.

As for style, I found it a bit flat. You overuse some words. "had" in the paragraph starting with "Her floating orbs" - why not possessed or contained? Some variety. Same thing with your overuse of was/were and could. See if a few can be spiced up with a stronger word.

Some of these sentences seem to bring little real impact. It's like they are flabby. "And those eyeballs were in whores who didn’t need them." is a good example, probably the worst offender. It says so little I am not even sure you need it.

Other sentences can be tightened, but aren't as critical. "Sources claim the victim was a white female between the ages of twenty and eighteen, who is currently unidentified." - could be "The victim is an unidentified white female between the ages of eighteen and twenty." Less words, same message.

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Form: This is a micropasta. That's OK, but you really need to be lean and sizzle for a micropasta. I have done a crazed killer micropasta myself, I_Am_a_Professional_Exterminator. It took surprisingly long to get as much pop as I did.

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Overall concept:

I don't feel any compulsion or motivation or pain. There is a generic "Oh, I think women are whores and I like to look at their eyes, see how evil and crazy I am" thing but that's been done far too often to be unique. You need to dig into REAL crazy, real screaming batshit insane serial killer.