Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24965033-20140902055656/@comment-25112831-20140904171932

I agree with CassistRabbit on the use of elipses (...). Keep them at a minimum. That way, when they are used, they are much more effective! :P

Also, I have to say that i agree again, one of the things that i most wanted to hear about to make this sotry creepy where the images. They were 'horrific' and 'morbid' abviously, but i'm not creeped out by it because I don't have any real image in my head. When I think of the scene with the dog being butchered I was imagening something very vague. A dog, lying down perhaps, but no idea of what was keeping it there. Straps? other people pinning it down? Was it muzzled? Chains and padlock to hold it down? Or was the device more crude? Rope and wire strapping it to a table? What was the man like? Was it just him? What was he wearing? Was his face covered? Could you see it cleary? Did he seem real? Fake? Frightening? Was there blood on his clothes? What did his clothes look like maybe, was he wearing and apron or anything to protect him and could you see his hair? What colour, howl long, did you recognise him? I imagined a dog lying down, maybe some blood, maybe the back of a man, maybe a knife in the air. That's it. I have no vivd image so it isn't really creepy for me. Include all these things and really get in some detail!

In my head I had a vague idea that th dog might be yelping... But I want to know how it really sounded, in detail and how it made you feel... Did it send chills racing down your spine? Your heart in your mouth? Sickened? Sick to your stomach? Helpless, useless, hopeless? Did the dog sound desperate? Pained? Fearing it's iminent demise? Did it tear your heart out to watch? or listen to? Did it rake up all these angry, confused, heart-breaking emotions that drowned you where you sat, making your head spin uncontrolably? Or did you feel nothing? Like you were numb? the shock too much to feel? Like your skin just turned cold maybe? There is so much you can do with that!!! What colour is the blood? Scarlet? A deep, rich vermillion? And is it on the camera, on the screen? Does it splatter everywhere? or is it fairly contained, just leaking out onto the floor or table? There is a lot of potential to flesh out those paragrapghs...

There wasn't much on that 'sinister' face either... Why was it sinister? What made it that way? Don't leave it up to the picture. leave the reader witha powerful, potent image, something truly terrifying! Go into detail. Again, the way it made you feel. was it familiar, or something entirely new? The colour? Again, describe it in detail. What made the smile sinsister? There had to be a reason. Use similies and metaphors so we have a relatable comparrison, make it a little more real that way! Was it's wicked grin a slick row of ivory daggers, poised to kill, stab and tear (metaphor - this ones a little cliche though, the daggers thing is quite common XD ) ? I'll leave the rest to your imagination but the sme thing goes for the girl cutting herself to. remember, it may sound graphic and horrible but the point of a pasta is to scare people, leave them with a sense of dread or terror or pure horror. Your aim is to unerve them, unsettle them, make them uncomefortable, leave them with strong mental images of the horror you were tryig to portray!

This story had a lot of potential. the main thing for me would be to tak emore time on each of the three scenes - the dog, the girl and the face. Flesh them out, fill it with description. imagine the image you are writing about. You are the only one who knows what that really looks like and your aim is to make the reader see EXACTLY what you are thinking off so you need to imagine every possible way of descbing what you see. keep in your mind that we can't see the image you are thinking of, only you can.

Other than that, I actually really like the story. mess around with it, have a bit of fun, keep it creepy XD Nice work xx Hope this is helpful xx I look forward to reading the finished version! xx