Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29458657-20160805183834/@comment-28266772-20160816150218

'When you write a story in the first person (e.g. 1st person -> I run. / 2nd Person -> You run / 3rd Person -> He runs) then you need to work out when your story takes place and stick to that time. This is why it’s important to not swap tenses, but importantly it’s also necessary to keep things clear and simple. This also means that the narrator can’t be suddenly surprised by the events because, according to them, they took place in the past. '

'So here’s what you need to do – you need to work out when and where your narrator is writing his account of what has happened in the past. Is he still living in his apartment? Is he a much older man? Is he happy, or traumatized? What’s important is you have to keep in mind that the narrator is telling a story – not describing events as they happen. Bear this in mind as I go on with my notes.'

As time passes, I start feeling more lonely [lonelier]. The set of apartments I live in has never been a nice place to stay. Although, it is the perfect place for ghosts to haunt. The lights on the hallways are dim and when one goes out it takes months before anyone comes to repair it and there are carvings in the walls of words. '[So I think it’s important you clarify whether this place is actually haunted. And bear in mind that if you start a story by saying “this house is haunted” then you are creating expectations of a ghost story and your audience will be disappointed if your story isn’t focused on ghosts]' However, the worst part of this block is some of the residents. At night, the best thing to do is to lock yourself in your flat and stay with a bat near your bed in case anyone decides to give you a visit. Of course, nobody would kill you, but they would [could] still cause you harm.

Some residents used to say it was actually fun to live here, but this was only before they left [the last bit of this sentence doesn’t quite work]. I still remember when one drunk man jumped in my apartment with a knife, wanting to steal something or even worse. I think I was eleven when that happened and thankfully my father put him down. I still remember his malevolent smile and his mad eyes. The man wasn't taken away [taken away -> arrested] and he still lived in the block up until the bottles got the best of him and, [move this comma to after ‘once’] once when drunker than usual, he fell on [on -> down] the stairs and cracked his head, dying.

From this year on a lot of murders took place in my block. [this sentence doesn’t connect well with the paragraph above] Yesterday, a woman was found dead in the elevator. She has [had] been strangled to death, but there are [were] no prints. We swore not to use the elevator ever again, except for one guy who left not long after hearing about the murder. [the last bit of this sentence also doesn’t quite work – it might be easier to just remove it] As I said, I'm [was] getting lonelier.

At this moment, there are just seven apartments in this block where people live: mine, [delete ‘mine’] Gregory's, Joseph's, Gina's and Clara's (they live together), Michael's, Lisa's and an idiot, Bruce, [full stop/period ; also in English when listing people you should always put yourself last e.g. Carol, Sharon and I. So after Bruce the narrator should then list himself as ‘and I’] who [Bruce] tries [tried] to make life horrible for everyone, but no one suspects [suspected] him for the murders because he is [was] so weak, absent and stupid to the point that he just couldn't kill someone and hide it.

Gregory lives [lived] next to my apartment, on the seventh floor. He is [was] one of the friendliest people in the entire neighbourhood. Greg links [linked] the murder of this [which woman?] woman to the disappearance of the little girl a week ago (which caused her parents to leave) and to the death of Larry, who was found dead at the entrance with his eyes gouged out. To this day, Gregory remains my only good friend in here.



I sit [sat] with Gregory in his welcoming flat and we discuss [discussed] the major problems we face [faced]. Of course, there is [was] no bigger problem than the murderer who moves [moved] freely around our lifetime home. He always points [pointed] out the vague similarities between the murders. The people are [were] always strangled in some way, no matter if this is [was] the cause of death or not [.] and that there are [were] never prints of the killer found. Greg has [had] a notebook that he claims [claimed] to be full of information regarding the murders, but he never lets [let] me see it. I ask [asked] him about a local musician and he doesn't [didn’t] even finish his sentence, as there is [was a] knocking on the entrance door. Gregory gets [got] up to answer. I go [went] to the entrance and find [found] Lisa. She says [said] that Joseph asked for me to go to his flat for us to talk. I run [ran] there in a hurry. This guy hates [hated] me so I knew it had to be interesting. I found him in his living room, dressed in his usual dusty suit and looking at a photo of his dead friend.

"Henry, what do you think is going on in here?" he asks.

"I don’t know, sir. Do you?"

"Look, Henry, the policeman who I called yesterday said he needs more evidence to find this damn murderer. Now, I know you dislike me in the same way I disliked you since you were just a kid randomly running around here with your big-mouthed parents. But if we want to survive and get justice, we must be united. Now, first I would like us to visit the two girls that live on the last floor. I just can't handle them by myself."

I knew what he meant. These girls were always agitated and impolite. I agree [agreed] to go with him, we shake hands [shook his hand] and go [went] to see Gina and Clara. I observe [observed] that he slowly changes [changed] his behaviour as the situation worsens [worsened]. We go [went] up the stairs, over rivers of dirt and I ask [asked] myself again: how did my parents get in this hellhole? They say [said] it was better in the past, but it just couldn't get so bad.

When we arrived at their apartment and knocked, Clara opened the door, welcoming us with her cute, but uncaring smile and while dressed as if she was going to a party. Joseph began to talk and asked about Gina. She said her 'sister' left to get a gun so they could defend themselves if the killer attacked. Her laughing tone made us question where her girlfriend really was. After we convinced her that we weren't the murderers, she let us enter. We didn't even make ourselves comfortable and Joseph started questioning her.

The "interview" didn't lead anywhere and [while] I was dead certain that she was hiding something, I didn't think she had killed anyone. I was quite sure she had fooled Joseph into thinking she's innocent. [this second line is now unnecessary] It looks [looked] like me and my friend will [would have to] solve the mess. I hope. [I hope also feels unnecessary]

I went back to my apartment and thought about the situation. There were just eight people in the block. I counted myself and Gregory out. Six people. One of them was supposed to be the murderer. I knew the killer just can't [couldn’t just] be someone from the outside [why?]. Or maybe Gregory wasn't right [was wrong] and we weren't dealing with just one killer. Living in this hellhole could've made anyone go insane.

<p class="MsoNormal">While meditating, I realised that I didn't have a gun. I decided to move out [FYI – move out means to leave a residence permanently] of the block and get a gun. As I prepared to leave a knocking made me wince. I took a baseball bat and went to the door, looking through the spyglass. It was Joseph. His eyes were full of fear. I opened the door and he spilled everything,

<p class="MsoNormal">"Bruce is dead! I just saw him in the elevator!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Wait, what? He's dead?" I asked frightened.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes! He was fuckin' decapitated! I can't believe what's happening in this block!"

<p class="MsoNormal">That's the moment when I saw that Joseph was holding a pistol. I suddenly felt the need to hide, but then he turned and left in a hurry. I took my head out of the apartment and looked after him. Joseph was going up the stairs. Against my better judgement, I decided to follow him. I ran after him on the stairs. Suddenly, he stopped. Then he pointed the gun at me. I raised my hands without dropping the bat.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Where are you going?" I ask [asked] him.

<p class="MsoNormal">"To see the bitches!" Joseph answered.

<p class="MsoNormal">He turned again and continued on his way. We reach [reached] the last floor and Joseph walked up to the women's apartment and knocked furiously on the door. Clara opened the door and Joseph bursted [burst or busted, but not bursted] in.

<p class="MsoNormal">Gina pointed her gun at him and then Joseph pointed his at her. I stood in the doorway and watched, ready to run if it turned for [to] the worst.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Clara, leave the room!" Joseph shouted.

<p class="MsoNormal">She did and then Joseph turned his attention towards Gina, whose eyes were full of hatred. Joseph said:

<p class="MsoNormal">"I know you did it."

<p class="MsoNormal">"And what are you gonna do, huh? Hand me to the cops?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"No. Before I do that, you might do a lot more. I will kill you right now."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Who are you to judge me?"

<p class="MsoNormal">I watched in silence, expecting the worst, but hoping that he'll [he’d] just put the gun down. Suddenly, he pulled the trigger and the bullet penetrated her neck. Clara screamed. Gina lost her grip on the gun, putting her hands around her neck, before hitting the floor, dead. Clara, trembling, ran to the stairs, starting to cry. I was getting terrified and as I turned, my face met Joseph's, angrier than I've ever seen him. Frowning, he studied me. I thought I might be also giving him an ugly look, but I tried to control my expression and just show bewilderment. I ask [asked] him:

<p class="MsoNormal">"Are you sure it was her?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes! That bitch is finally dead!"

<p class="MsoNormal">He tried to calm down. He was breathing hard while I watched him and wondered what really brought him to that conclusion. Then he looked me in the eyes and said:

<p class="MsoNormal">"Do you know where Clara left?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I seriously don't know."

<p class="MsoNormal">Suddenly, my position changed. I was no longer Joseph's ally, I was supposed to stop him from killing us all while Clara calls [called] the cops. He turned to leave, but I felt the need to do something, so I grabbed his shoulder and he pointed the pistol at me. I raised my hands and watched him, assuring [sure] that he is [was] going insane.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Please don't tell me you wanna kill her too."

<p class="MsoNormal">Joseph smiled and filled me with fear. He turned again, but I just couldn't let him kill anymore. Before he got too far, I caught his right foot and he started sliding down. Quickly, I raised the bat and hit him in his head two times and then I grabbed his pistol. Now, I was in control of the situation.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Calm down, Joseph. I don't want you to kill anybody. We do not have proof!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Then tell me, smartass, who did it?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I don't know, Joseph, but do you realise that you just fuckin' killed a person?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Joseph stood up and looked at me. He studied me. Did he... think I was the killer? I waited for him to turn, but he didn't.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Do you think I'm gonna show you my back while you have a gun pointed at me?"

<p class="MsoNormal">He was right, but I was right too to keep the gun pointed at him.

<p class="MsoNormal">"And what are you gonna do?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll wait before the cops come here and find you pointing a gun at me."

<p class="MsoNormal">Son of a bitch!

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll throw the gun, but please turn and leave after that"

<p class="MsoNormal">"All right. But do not throw it at your feet and let me take the bat."

<p class="MsoNormal">It couldn't [wasn’t going to] get any better, really.

<p class="MsoNormal">"All right. You take the bat, but then step back. I'll throw the gun, but don't try to look after it, sir."

<p class="MsoNormal">I raise [raised] my left hand to give him the bat. He just looked at me for a few seconds, then he yanked the bat from my hand and carefully stepped back. I start [started] wondering if this was really a good idea. I looked at him and he looked back at me without any expression on his face. I threw the pistol on [to] my right and it hit a wall. Now Joseph started smiling and he turned, going to [running down] the stairs in a hurry.

<p class="MsoNormal">A day had passed. Joseph was in jail for killing two women (I imply [implied] that he [had] also killed Clara and that's [was] why he was going with the bat down the stairs [just ‘downstairs’] in hurry). I was in my bedroom with Gregory who was too afraid to live on his own and it looked like he'd move [in] to my apartment as it was bigger. I stayed at the computer and I heard him going [go] to the hallway. Then he opened the door to the entrance and I heard a deafening shriek. I was so scared that for the [a] moment I just couldn't move. Then I quickly hid under my bed and tried to not make a sound. My pistol was in the living room, God damn it!

<p class="MsoNormal">The bedroom door was open, whoever passed by the door also passed by my sight. The lights in the hallway turned off. Then someone stepped in front of the door. It was a human shape, but not one that I recognised. Whoever he was, he seemed to have a problem with breathing because he uses [used] his mouth to do so. Then he stepped in the room and I saw that he was naked. Then he... lowered and faced me. He was a man, but one who should be long dead. He looked like a person of about 150 years old. He crawled near me with his mouth agape and looked me in the eyes. I never met him before, but a thought raced my mind: that he is [was] the personification of this disturbance that has plagued my block for a very long time. The disturbance that made everyone here mad and it's [was] now reaching a climax.

<p class="MsoNormal">We were cursed.

<p class="MsoNormal">