Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26364137-20160515084117/@comment-28266772-20160623190324

Hi,

I've been lurking and noticed you asked empy on how to get more feedback. So, hope this isn't out of place and I don't draw either your or empy's ire, but I thought I'd try to help and offer feedback on your second draft. Before I post I thought I'd offer a disclaimer though - the bulk of your problems are with wording. I noticed very few spelling/punctuation mistakes, and overall the quality of writing is very good. It's just that there are some peculiar little twists of language that just... don't sound right. So I thought I'd make it clear that when I say something "sounds odd", or "is a bit off", or the "wording is awkward" I'm only offering a personal insight into how they could be written differently. It's not like grammar where there's a better sense of right and wrong, it's just a matter of something that seems not quite right. I don't want it to seem like I'm telling how to write. Below, are all the issues I could find, although there may be more.

-

The vast forest reverberated his voice; -> this sounds unnatural. I’ve pondered this for a bit, because a forest can reverberate a voice, but it just sounds odd. It might be better to say “reverberated with his voice”.

had taken an abrupt turn to the worse. -> this is a similar case. It’s more common to hear “abrupt turn for the worse”

When Gabriel later arrived at the cabin; Maya was nowhere to be found -> your use of semicolons is frequent, too frequent, and most of the time incorrect. A semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses i.e. sentences that stand on their own, if they aren’t separated by a conjunction. In this case the first clause is dependent on the second clause i.e. “When Gabriel later arrived at the cabin.” Doesn’t make sense on its own, it needs something to follow on from it within that particular clause.

There was no showing indication of any kind of struggle, -> again just a bit weird. It’s redundant because indication means that something is showing already. So it’s kind of like saying “no showing of a showing of…”

But oddly enough; her cell phone and jacket were still in place. -> same issue as the semicolon above.

It wasn’t before he had stepped outside he became worrisome, -> again, seems off. Worrisome means to cause anxiety, e.g. my dog’s rash is worrisome. You should just say “worried”.

How long had he been looking for her? An hour, maybe two? -> this is not an exact rule, but I think questions in a third person narrative aren’t considered a good practice. You might want to attribute this to someone. Ultimately it just messes with the flow. Rhetorical questions feel like something someone thinks, or says out loud, not something included in a third person narrative.

Suddenly, his whole body froze; not because of the cold, but of what he saw.Gabriel swallowed heavily; followed by a bloodcurdling shiver running down his spine, as a faded memory — long gone and suppressed — stung him as a wasp. -> no space between saw.Gabriel, and also again semicolon in the wrong place.

A soulless one only come to our world with one task at mind; to absorb as many human souls as they can. -> semicolon

The scrawny legs of the creature began moving in a most unnatural way; as a sneaking burglar from those old cartoons, only in contrast; it traversed with a haunting grace and an immense speed. -> two semicolons this time. Also traversed on its own sounds funny. Normally people traverse something. They traverse a road, a route, a path etc. It’s like saying “it crossed with a haunting grace”, it just seems odd.

In an act of pure reflex, Gabriel turned around; only to discover that there was nothing there. -> semicolon. I’m gonna stop mentioning these now because you can just use ctrl + F to find them. Just remember, if you can write the two parts as sentences on their own, you can use a semicolon. In this example there’s a conjunction (only) which messes up the semicolon.

had been playing him a trick -> again, funny wording. Just seems off. Think you should say, “been playing a trick on him” or something like that.

being his solely comfort -> sole not solely.

he couldn’t shake of the feeling -> do you mean, “shake off”? You could say “shake the feeling”, that’s valid as well.

he was watching from another person’s point of view, as if there was someone else hidden in the room, keeping watch on them. -> slight issue of repetition of 'watching'. It’s up to you if you wanna change this, it’s just it’s kind of redundant. If you cut the “keeping watch on them” it works on its own because it's heavily implied what is happening anyway.

He felt his nose running, but when he wiped it with his hand he discovered that it was dark red. Blood. -> It’s kind of obvious what he’s gonna find running down his nose. Don’t think you need to present the blood thing as a shock in its own sentence. If you just say "it was dark red blood" it reads almost identically.

<p class="MsoNormal">in order to make us to forget our own true legacy. -> “in order to make us to” should only have the first ‘to’ e.g. "in order to make us forget our own true legacy"

<p class="MsoNormal">where the damned curse first was inflicted. -> ‘first was’ sounds odd. It reads better if you say “was first”.

<p class="MsoNormal">it’s like it have lowered the walls -> should be “had” not “have”

<p class="MsoNormal">only then to let it slip from our consciences, -> think you mean “consciousness”. Consciences refers to the inner voice that tells you right from wrong. Good way to remember is “con” means “with”, and “science” refers to “knowledge”. Your consciousness is what leaves you “with” “knowledge” of what’s right and wrong. Consciousness refers to our state of mental being/our very mind’s awareness.

<p class="MsoNormal">crocodile resembling fangs. -> seems odd, again. Just feels awkward. Might be better if you say “crocodile-like”

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So, overall I really enjoyed this story. I thought the concept, pacing, and story structure were great. I loved the premise, didn't see the twist coming, and I thought a lot of your descriptions were effective, scary, and imaginative. I can't say whether the story meets quality standards, and because I'm not super familiar with creepypastas I couldn't say if there are a ton of other stories on this site with similar ideas/premises, but I still hope that what I said was helpful and had some value for you.

<p class="MsoNormal">