Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180714055429/@comment-9041013-20180715141325

DrBobSmith wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote: Yeah, it's a no biggie really.

I did figure out he's exterminating people most likely after you mentioned him having a single client. So, it wasn't exactly subtle.

The ending killed it all for me, am I supposed to get in the shoes of the random victim guy? yeah, I can't... because I know it's fake and nothing even gives the slightest hint of appeal for me to bother and suspend my disbelief. If you want, you could make it into a monologue from the exterminator that implies he is having an unseen conversation to the reader with the victim. That would end the "oh im supposed to be worried" cliche that happened here.

Also, the rat torture method? is this really all you have Exterminator Man? You have got to look up capital punishment in medieval times. They have some nice and VERY painful ideas. Also, personal suggestion, how about lethal payback rape using a horse or a machine? It's probably gonna make some people squirm even if you dont give out details.

Bloody Spaghetti,

I took most of your comments to heart. Thank you for the hint about the Medieval execution methods. I just knew what to use after that. I was trying to make it a monologue like http://www.creepypasta.org/creepypasta/the-patron-saint-of-the-good-looking-corpse and https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/6up2mw/im_a_demon_and_i_need_your_help/

How could I make ... more monologue?

I have debated on the four sentences after "Craigslist" in the final paragraph. Thats not exactly what I meant, a better term would be one sided dialog I guess, its like you are telling us the character speaks to another person whose side we dont see. Something along the lines of "what did you say, pal? You didn't do anything? Oh I know you didn't... youre just a test subject..."

The uber Italian theme... Gave me vibes of "Il Padrino" im not sure the American mafia is like that anymore but hey if that's your dime go with it.

(definitely sure Antonio isnt the most popular italian male name though)