Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26268104-20151224205149/@comment-26007602-20151226202046

There's not a whole lot here to give feedback on. I realize that this is just an introduction, but there still isn't too much here. I'm not sure what this is a screenplay for, or the intended, eh, viewing platform (I'm assuming it's television based or certain things don't make sense), but I'll try to give ya something.

Personally, I find the whole voice over thing overdone and cliche. It doesn't really give us insight into the character, as he blatantly tells us about himself. Since the things he's saying directly contradict the things he's doing (and coupled with the whole "I live in a cell"), I kind of thought the nick doing stuff was some alternate person, maybe an alien that switched bodies with him or something. I hope that's it, otherwise I think the contradictions need to make more sense.

There's absolutely nothing creepy here yet, which is okay, but this is the Creepypasta wiki, and Readers expect the stories to be horror related. I think you should work on establishing an atmosphere around this character. I get that this screenplay is probably going to be character driven, but I know very little about the character: his age, personality, any unique qualities, something to make him distinct. Additionally, there's no real setting established. That should be one of the first things done in a screenplay, establishing setting, as we need to know where we are at. Describe the time period, the town, something more than these quick little scenes that also lack description.

That's about all I've got. Hope what's here is useful.