Talk:Hell Bell/@comment-32749924-20170802073043

It's rare to see a pasta with so much going for it but also so many problems. The writing is good, much of the plot is a lot fresher than a lot of other Pokemon creepypasta, it doesn't break suspension of disbelief because (aside from explicitly supernatural things) the horror all works within the limitations of the game.

I like how the little pieces connect (with the Burned Tower, etc). A particular detail I liked was how, though Hell is framed directly as a counterpoint to Pokemon Jesus (which was pretty unoriginal), you don't throw in an evil Pokemon Satan, or Giratina, or whatever. Having the devil just appear as a normal NPC gives it authenticity in that you can easily look at the platform as merely a tool Old Scratch uses to net souls.

That said, I think it would work better as a more straightforward horror story as opposed to a creepypasta. It relies on a surprisingly small number of cliches for a video game pasta with religious overtones, but it still feels a bit forced, possibly due to the length? There are a couple of parts I don't get, though: for one, is there any reason the narrator couldn't Fly to Solaceon? It's never elaborated upon, other than to add a bit of "game on the fritz" feeling. Also, the narrator gains nothing from her deal with the devil, unless the implication was that it was in exchange for the hacks (which weren't even hers). That makes the resolution feel a little incongruous to the type of story it's meant to tell.

Also, if this was intentional, the narrator mentioning early on her distaste for hacking being juxtaposed with her anecdotes related to hacking she's done gives the character more depth and realism.

The ending also comes out a bit too explicitly; IMO, it would be greatly improved by merely hinting at the results in a way that could indicate genuine soul-losing suffering but could also just be signs of nervousness over the Weird hacked Pokemon. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, my mouth is dry no matter what I drink..." etc would have been more effective, at least for me.

This is a solid, like, 7/10. There's a lot wrong with this story, but there's also a lot right.

Yeah I know the author is never going to see my comment but I've had this on my mind for a couple years.