Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20141027053552/@comment-24996913-20141028084254

Umbrello wrote: I thought this was okay. Jay Ten mentioned it being like a movie, so I have to say that it reminds me of movies like "Exam", "Would You Rather?" and "Inhuman Resources". Like "Exam" it has people in a group interview, but is far less interesting because in this pasta they are just being killed off instead of interacting with each other. Like "Would You Rather?" the people are being killed off in a group interview setting (not for a job, though). However, I didn't really feel any suspense once the first person disappeared, and again there's no real competition element. You say they are in competition, but you don't show it. And then they die for reasons that have nothing to do with competition. Even though it has the least in common with "Inhuman Resources" out of the three films, I felt it shared the pointlessness. The villain doesn't really have a purpose or much discretion. Most people who read this won't have seen these movies, but since I have it makes this pasta seem really cliche and less than clever.

As for the basic plot, I just want to make sure I have it right: The last person left alive wins, and they are only left alive because they didn't complain or have kids or some other thing that makes them "unhireable", and then the winner takes the interviewer's place? I'm left asking myself... why? Why all the hullabaloo? Why lure people into this kind of setting just to kill them? At least in "Inhuman Resources" he forced them to do mundane office work as torture. Plus, the winner seems so arbitrary. The main character did nothing in order to win. Granted, the prize is less than desirable, lol.

A more technical complaint I have is that you use a lot of filler adjectives that don't add anything to the story. For example, you mention leaving your stuffy apartment. The apartment being stuffy doesn't actually serve any purpose if you just mention it in passing. It seems like you are just padding the sentence. Kind of nitpicking, but it's something I try not to do so I always notice when other people do it.

My main suggestion is to give the winner an actual reason for winning. And there should be more interaction between the characters besides them just chasing the main character and tying her down. It doesn't make for a very excited story.

You have every right to feel how you feel, but as I've stated many times above, I have added to this story. I will say that I like to write stories that are descriptive, so I don't understand how me saying her apartment is stuffy is somehow a great offense. Also, perhaps you didn't take into consideration that the prize to the main character is the job. She was struggling to get by, hoping and praying for a better job so that she didn't have to work two. Perhaps you read over those first few paragraphs. And, because Mr. Lancaster is elderly, he is more prone to mistakes with handling the business aka it's time for him to "retire". I tried to make it realistic because even in society now, if you're particularly old (I'm not talking about 40-50) you are deemed more prone to accidents. I didn't want to hold the readers hand through the story, so I made subtle hints that everyone else seemed to have picked up on. But, I do agree with your one point that the characters needed more description, and, before you commented, I had already revised this story and added quite a few paragraphs. As I've said before, you're definitely entitled to your opinion and thanks for reading.