Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20150110011031/@comment-24996913-20150110014747

EmpyrealInvective wrote: A few small things before the review: "mothers obsessions" should be "mothers'" (if plural) I believe. Also you might want to consider changing the word "near" in "Each blink draws my mother near, ..." to "closer" or something a bit more impending/ongoing. "I couldn't fight against my own depraved body any longer." I think depraved should be "deprived" considering the lack of sleep. (Depraved carries a different meaning i.e. "morally corrupt; wicked")

I would also advise against using ellipses outside of dialogue as it tends to have the "dramatic pause" connotation and can come off as being a bit melodramatic. (Noothgush once gave me some pretty good advice in that aspect. "Don't use ellipses where a comma or period would serve the same purpose.")

The story is interesting, but I am slightly confused by the mother's dialogue. "It's time to grow up," and "Sleep tight,". I'm not quite sure what your intention was there. I am interested in the mother's backstory, which is a good thing for involving the readers, but I think a little more explanation/build-up would improve an already entertaining story.

I thought about giving more background on the mother, but I oftentimes get that I provide too much information and should make my stories less obvious. Thank you for your pointers as well. I write on my phone most of the time, so autocorrect has a way of ruining what you intended on typing ie "depraved". I'll fix that right up, and maybe add just a bit more on the mother, though I don't want to give away that she's deceased early on. Thanks again for the feedback :)