Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25622972-20141106172525/@comment-25428589-20141106212604

I quite like the idea of this pasta, but I think that the execution is poor. For some reason you have placed dates above each paragraph, as if each paragraph was a diary entry, however the story reads as if it is just someone telling someone else a story, not writing in a diary. In addition to this, the grammar is quite poor in many cases and there are far too many lines between each paragraph. I think that there should have been more emphasis on how the mother wasn't in the shop, as it was kind of skipped over.

What I do like about this is the way in which you showed the narrator's frame of mind and portrayed him as an addict to these chips. I also liked the tension between him and his mother which, I felt, developed the mother's character well in the way it was written. I feel that the narrator could have done with a little more character development.

Overall, 4/10 for a strong concept and some character development on the mother. If you were to correct the grammatical errors and formatting, then I would rate it 5/10.