Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36960218-20181008220941

Hey! I want to reach out to all of the Admins and Non-Admin-but-high-ranked people to get feedback. What is wrong with my story?

'''The scouts were very excited to go on a backpacker. They were all ready. They were all enthusiastic. Except for one. His name is Dylan. Dylan heard that the trail they were going on is inhabited by a Mythic Creature. One so old, it was born before time. He asked his parents if he could get out of it, but they just said '''

“Go on the trail honey!”

“I don’t want to Mom!”

'''“Well, you play to many video games. You need to get fresh air. Go on a hike!”'''

“One of the boys said a beast lived there.”

'''“Oh, the silly legend. We don’t believe in that. In fact, No one believes in that legend anymore! It’s just folklore!”'''

'''That last part had a tint of lie in it. Like she did believe in it. But, any good Mom wouldn’t send their child out to die.'''

'''“Okay troop! It’s time to head on the trail!” The scoutmaster drove us to the campgrounds where we slept overnight. Then, we packed up all of our gear, and headed for the trail. The trail was a long one. A 8 miler. This backpacker would be stretched into 2 days. The first day us doing 5 miles. The second day us doing 3 miles. It was tough. By the end of the first 2 miles, Dylan wanted to give up and go back home. But the scoutmaster said'''

'''”Well, we're getting there! We’ll be there before you know it.”'''

“Heh, I’ll know i’m there because i’m going to be the first one in the car.”

When they finally reached a campground, Dylan set up his hammock, and went to bed.

'''It didn’t last long. At 1:00 AM a noise was heard from the river nearby. And it wasn’t the river. It was a growling noise. Soft and welcoming, but also harsh and menacing. His best friend Josh had said'''

'''“If you hear a noise before sunrise, don’t go and investigate. It’s the monster coming. He’ll only take the awake people. Pretend your asleep and don’t move.”'''

'''Well, the noise was become very irritating. He just wanted to peek out, but he knew his life was on the line. When he heard someone’s tent zipper open, he prayed it wasn’t the monster. Fortunately, it was Carl. Carl was the most fierce and most hated in the troop. He went outside just to go to the bathroom, but got taken. No screams were ever heard, but the unmistakable sound of bones crushing and flesh being eaten were heard. This was the first victim of the year for the Alma demoníaca.'''

'''The Alma demoníaca was a tortured soul as a child. He was never liked and was never loved, not even by his parents. So whenever he was on this trail, these teenagers came from behind and pushed him into the river. His luck was off that day so, a snake came out and bit him. The river water wasn’t good for you either so the combination of snake bite and river water caused him to die of infection. He has haunted the trail for the rest of his life.'''

'''The trail was finally at a end. They stopped to eat lunch and meet up at the visitor center. They passed a sign saying “The demon lives inside” but it was probably just a prank. When they got home, it seemed like everyone wasn’t feeling good. What I collected of the police reports is this:''' '''I am the lone survivor. I told them all, I told them all. But they didn’t listen. I was feeling good, but I don’t feel so well now...'''  
 * Carl died of Alma demoníaca
 * Josh died of Rabies
 * David died of suicide
 * Jack died of Infection
 * The scoutmaster’s died of apparent murder, each with a symbol engraved on their back.