Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20170212184930/@comment-31288135-20170213062810

Grammar/Wording Issues: You seem to use a lot more words than you need to: "I would like to inform the lot of (not necessary, simply saying "you" is sufficient) you of my recent activities." "At about 2AM (2 AM) this morning I was standing in an alleyway, waiting, (remove the first waiting and replace the common with a semicolon) I was waiting for someone to cross paths with me; it did not matter to me who it would turn out to me. (run on sentence)" Also, you have improper spacing in several places, and improperly use commas, colons, and semicolons a lot. The story could definitely benefit from being run through a grammar checker or two. I would personally recommend this one.

Finally, avoid 50 cent words. Sure, saying fastidious and Amygdalae might be fun, they take your reader out of the story, and, worst case scenario, to Google.

Story Issues: Unfortunately, the main character comes off more annoying than threatening. You're always taking a gamble when you're placing your antagonist as the main character, and this story shows the bad side of those sort. It sucks out all the mystery and ambiguity that could've been achieved with a different main character, and instead gives us a frankly irritating know-it-all.There's also no reason to make your character a one of a kind medical mystery; making him a psychopath changes the plot not in the least. Also, why does he kill people? If he's emotionless, he'd most likely just be utterly apathetic.

And about his drug, please just pick a drug. The only drug I could find that could be blown in the face was Devil's Breath, which has a completely different set of symptoms.

The titular devil with the hat comes out of nowhere, goes nowhere, and does nothing. I think at the very least it would've been interesting if our writer signed the letter with "Devil with a Hat" to at least give SOME reference to the title.

Also, there's no way he could just attack a guy in the middle of a street, drag his body back home, and then tie the guy up and drug him without killing him. Speaking of things that should've killed him, scooping out his brain would result in immediate death. The concept of being forced to eat parts of your own body could be terrifying in the right context, but here it is unfortunately not used properly.

The bottom paragraph is probably the worst in the story. It earned the most eye rolls from me, and was a poor attempt at making the audience think... but about what? Is anyone really going to disagree that humans would be terrible people if we didn't have morals and the capacity to feel sorry for other creatures?

I believe this story could be reworked as amazing, but as it stands, it's not that good sadly.