Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25569708-20150628044653/@comment-25980905-20150629085049

Overall

The use of anyway has become ultimately repetitive, particularly around the 3rd and 4th paragraph. Paragraph 3 and 4, when you are describing the channel, is also repetitive. Especially in the way you are doing it: 'and another thing'. Smoothing this section out a bit more would create better flow and a better read. Also worthy of note is how the 5th paragraph would profit immensely from dot points/notation, in regards to the note-like way the TV Show is described in said paragraph. We also need to address that ending. The character gave up on TV because of one incident? That is awfully cliche. Maybe the character could just give up browsing/watching weird channels? Giving up TV just seems like a bit of an impossibility and an overkill, especially with society's dependence on the media.

''What I'm about to detail is corrections that should be made per paragraph. Paragraphs (blocks of text with more than two sentences) have been labelled as Para 1 (and onwards) in descending order. Single lines of text between paragraphs have been labelled as Line 1 (and onwards).''

Para 5 - Speaking, replace with dialogue; adds a more knowledgable tone to your character, as it is assumed your character knows what they're talking about.

Para 6

'why do intro': correct to 'why is there no intro?'.

Para 7

'weren't even any': correct to 'wasn't any'.

'sound of the sirens': correct to 'sound of the siren'.

Para 8

'the sirens were': correct to 'the siren was'.

'made me feel somehow unnatural': (note) made you feel unnatural? What? Maybe the thing felt unnatural, but how did it make you feel unnatural?

'really terrible': (note) just 'terrible' will do, the 'really' does not flow correctly.

Para 9

'hand came out': (note) came out? That is kind of plain, maybe try a different verb? E.g. 'Slithered', 'writhed', 'snapped', etc. It adds more to the atmosphere and paints a better picture.

Para 10

'thinking it had cut to commercial break': redact this, it adds too much to the length and contributes absolutely nothing; aside from telling readers what they're already thinking.

Para 11 --- 'I probably I blacked out': correct to 'I blacked out' or 'I probably blacked out'.

'a couple hours': correct to 'a couple of hours', it makes more sense.

'station to if': correct to 'station to see if'.

Para 12

'basically normally': (note) odd phrasing there, my friend.

Conclusion

This concludes my in-depth analysis involving grammar and spelling. There are still sentences that are a bit awkwardly phrased, however, I think that me notifying you of all of them and directing you on how I would change them would change the story too much from the original tome you were building; which I liked.