Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27008899-20160629140851/@comment-28420405-20160629154306

Hello!

I enjoyed reading this story. All the imagery and similes were done very well. It really helped set the scene.

With that said, I did find a handful of minor errors, and I'm sure I missed a few more:

"I remember this house, the one I now reside, and people" - Perhaps the middle of the sentence should read "the one in which I now reside"

"I at the top of the stairs, as I normally do to not drive them away." - This is a bit awkward, did you mean "I was at the top of the stairs"?

"Her delicate face hidden behind her blonde curls and a beautiful doll with long red hair" - this is also a bit awkward. I suggest breaking it into two sentences.

"Crude as they were, mostly about hating his job, it was I was him briefly." - I got what you were saying, but this was a bit confusing to read.

"He(r) long dress blew into the threshold as she crossed." - need the "r" in "her"

"She stood at the bottom if the stairs looking up, seemingly directly at me" - of the stairs

"A red lip stick covered grew from one side of her mouth as she gazed longingly up to the second floor with piercing blue eyes, as though she knew I was watching, waiting for me to acknowledge her existence" - two things: 'lipstick" is generally one word, and secondly, the beginning of this sentence is a bit awkward, I think it's missing a word somewhere.

"The one front bellowed." - missing an article ("The one in front bellowed")

"In a flash it zipped past with a maniacal laugh that child me to the bone" - I'm guessing you meant chilled lol

Beyond those VERY minor changes, I don't have many suggestions, particularly as you are planning to make this a series. It was very intriguing and I'm excited to see where this goes and how the drama develops. Looking forward to your next installment!