Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25941663-20150306110837/@comment-26027160-20150306225103

Hm. I will try. "He can't help but notice that silence has fallen over the forest and he can't shake of the feeling that something sinister lurks in the bowels of the forest."

Try to divide this into two sentences. It will sound much better.

"Mike has to look at his watch to confirm it is still morning; that's how dark it is."

The semicolon sounds off. Maybe rewrite the sentence?

"His attention shifts back on the murky pond, as foamy bubbles appear on its surface."

Comma needed? The bubbles are not a separate thought. They are the reason for attention and should therefore not be divided away from the action.

"In his attempt to escape, he got lost."

Maybe "He got lost during his attempt to escape (the creature)."?

"Then, he hears shuffling of leaves and branches all around him. He can smell the putrid odor from before."

From earlier?

"Twigs and branches claw at his face but he doesn't stop until he is confident (that) he has put a lot of distance between himself and his pursuer -or pursuers."

The "that" gives a short break between the three "he's" in a row.

" Out of breath, he heaves his weight against a tree for support. With the corner of his eye, he spots a woodcutter's axe buried in a tree on his right. Without giving it much thought, he lunges towards it. Just as he reaches his hand to grab the axe, he hears heavy footsteps approaching."

You use the same sentence structure in all four sentences. ..., ... . Similar problem in many other paragraphs.

"The leaves to his left start parting (can be shortened to part). A large hand reaches out, pushing branches on the side."

I didn't really get it, but I guess he pushed the branches to the side, no?

"The sight unnerves him, "What the fuck is going on!?" he thinks; his heart beating frantically on his chest."

6 different punctuation marks on one sentence just don't get along well. Maybe divide it?

"Before he can react, something hard hits him on the back of his head and he falls unconscious on the ground."

Something hard hits him before he can react. Not the other way around.

"His eyes open; the moonlight shining bright on his face."

I would consider rewriting that sentence.

"Mike can only watch in horror, as he realizes their heads have been severed, only to be replaced by wooden ones."

Commas. Mike watches in horror as he realises. Realisation is not a separate action.

"Then, a decaying odor fills the air."

"Then" is not needed there. Cut it out.

"In his strong arms, he is holding an axe, which he slowly raises above his head."

"His strong arms hold an axe" is more fluent.

That's what I picked up.