Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27838637-20160727122520/@comment-28266772-20160803134920

Hey so I've read all this and it's pretty awesome. It's hard for me to offer proofreading notes since I haven't noticed a single error but I'll try to offer my thoughts below.

So overall if I had a suggestion it would be that the story needs a bit more post-hair mayhem. I guess what I mean is that I feel as though the story reaches its peak when he starts pulling hair and weird shit out of the car. I like the strange and weird idea that the car is much more than just gears and metal, but once that high-point is reached it feels as though the story is in a rush to end itself. So after that the guy sells the car and it hunts him down and kills him and his family and while I liked the bit where it snaps back into shape after the accident, the whole accident still felt like a rushed conclusion.

I feel as though at that point the car could be much more monstrous. A little bit of hair and some disappearing paint is a great start but it'd be nice to see that pushed further with some more imaginative descriptions (leather seats made from human skin? Teeth pouring out of the petrol cap? I guess more stuff that blurs the line between the mechanical and biological would be great because that was the highlight of the story). How you end it is, I think, fine but it'd be nice if the road there was just a bit more fleshed out with grotesque going-ons.

Also with regards to you asking how to make this creepier; I'd say it's hard to demonstrate in-the-moment tension in a diary format. I think sometimes it's better to either show that fear through the emotional state of the narrator, or through a final shock and revelation that forces the reader to reevaluate earlier events.

But yeah overall this is a great story and I really enjoyed it. You're a great writer.