Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25987771-20150109031711/@comment-24281984-20150110182319

I didn't see anything wrong with this until you got to the kid's face in the show. The sudden amount of gore is a big red flag for me, but the setup leading up to it WAS very well-done. It's well-written enough to actually make me interested in what's going to happen next, which is a huge plus.

A sudden loud sound is another cliche in TV-based pastas. I hope there's something more original in the second half.

Five minutes is a pretty long time for anything to be going on in a short film. The MC must be pretty interested in it to have to watch through all that. You might want to shorten five minutes down because that is a long time for most people to just sit silently and watch something that doesn't change.

Sigh... and another cliche of hidden frames with "scary" images hidden in the normal ones. Again, how would someone even notice these if they weren't paying EXTREMELY close attention? I've never quite understood why this is used so much in lost episode and TV pastas. I certainly am not scouring my Disney movies for single-frame images of gore or scary faces or whatever, but apparently a lot of other people out there are.

"Hell" doesn't need to be capitalized if you're using it as a sort of curse or exclamation.

The MC doesn't try to decode what the professor is saying? Maybe not his whole speech, I get that, but she'd probably be curious enough to translate a line or two to get an idea of what he's talking about.

And MORE extremely detailed scary bits. You know why this isn't a good thing to put in a creepypasta? Because not only is it incredibly overused, it's something that we almost NEVER see in real films. Use what's going on in the film itself to unnerve the reader, like you're already doing a good job of. Aside from the obviously cliched parts this really is an interesting story, and I have to hand it to you for that because I'm no fan of most longer pastas.

"MC" is much shorter than "protagonist" if you want to type a bit less.

Alright, I saw from a mile away that the rotoscoping part would have some kind of violence in it the moment you mentioned the knife. I'd suggest revealing that later because it is pretty predictable what's gonna happen next.

The MC is a guy? Was I reading this wrong? I honestly just realized that near the end.

Well, that was quite a bit to read, but your writing was good enough for me to excuse the length. There wasn't any noticeable overdescription or filler that made this longer than it needed to be, and your vocabulary and phrasing are more enjoyable to read than the typical pasta. I'd say that if you could perhaps just shorten this down a bit and tone down some of the cliches I pointed out, you'd have quite a good pasta on your hands. I think this is very impressive for a first pasta- not so much the general premise, but the good writing is what really drew me in and kept me interested. Good work on this.