Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4695243-20160216221221/@comment-24101790-20160216222154

I'm sorry but this story is incredibly rushed, glosses over pretty large events ("Eventually, we reached the enemy we all shared, took him down for good, and everyone had regained their free will,", there's little to no description of the creature, "I would feel complete from all of that if not for the fact that the ally I was closest to died in the process because he figured no one would really care.", etc.), and run on sentences ("I kept my hands in my pockets so that the closest ally wouldn’t be tempted to grab my hand, I walked in front of him and the rest of the group so the creature wouldn’t feel satisfaction, and I even reminded myself of my original goal to return to my hometown once the quest was over, even though it would minimize my chances of ever seeing him again."), and has punctuation/hyphenation issues.

There's little to nothing to keep the audience invested as there's no character development and we're given skeletal plot points. The fact you included a link to your book sale makes me think this is the footnotes for the piece rather than an attempt at telling an involving story, which is not a very convincing sales pitch. For example, who is Jonathan Daniels? ("I come across a conclusion that is in need of uncovering: yes, I do love Jonathan Daniels.") What is the creature of laceration? Etc. I'm sorry, but a six paragraph teaser to a 100 page story is not going to work here. We're looking for a completed story, not a synopsis.