Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24523744-20150630052640/@comment-25980905-20150630100008

This is good for a draft. Let's begin, shall we?

What You Did Right

Your spelling and grammar were not that bad. The mistakes I picked up on in regards to spelling were in the 11th paragraph ('I was his tattered' should have been 'I saw his tattered') and the second last paragraph ('friend' should be 'friends'). Overall, the story was different to the standard 'Hide and Seek but something goes wrong' Creepypasta (which was nice) but it does just feel like that, a hide and seek gone wrong with a different game. The twist at the end of the story was nice, not exactly mind-blowing, but nice and subtle. Your story was quite good, considering it was able to keep my interest with minimal build up; but I wouldn't say I'd re-read it.

What You Could Improve On

The story lacks build up and it needs to have it. Your story cannot be creepy and will not progress smoothly without that necessary technique. Your characters, aside from the protagonist, were also a bit two dimensional. You seemed to introduce the protagonist's friend, Kyle, solely for the sake of having someone to back up your protagonist's explanation of the stranger. You also introduced Fred solely for the sake of needing someone to kill off. Maybe you could fuse the two characters, they are both Fred. That way, you can focus more on developing two characters rather than three and you won't have to throw in characters just for the sake of needing people. To resolve the plot issue that will arise from merging the two characters, you could have Fred on the other team as he watches your protagonist leave the thick woodland. Fred would then realise the protagonist must have taken the flag but did not take it back to the Fred's team after dropping it. This would cause an argument, resulting in Fred going in for the flag because he thinks the protagonist is cheating and because the protagonist does not want to go back there.

Overall

Overall, the story was nice. However, it does feel a lot like a 'hide and seek gone wrong' Creepypasta. Your spelling and grammar are almost perfect, which was very good to see. I would advise tweaking the way things are described in order to illicit more fear from the readers and not rely on a stranger with the stereotypical and cliched 'red splatters' on his shirt. The killer also appears to have absolutely no motive, aside from being a character generated to be purely an antagonist and nothing more. We need to see characterisation and we need to see a motive. All in all, good work on this so far. It's good that you came up with your own game rather than running with a pre-existing one such as tag, spotlight, chasey or hide and seek. It does your story credit.