Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36877863-20181130182930/@comment-9041013-20181201110032

Alright so this way too easy. The moment there is a time limit, I know he won't make it - it's a Creepypasta, the ending "has" to be bad. Even though it doesn't, I don't get catharsis from that, nor do I get the spooks from the whole story. It's dark, sure, but is it scary? Nah. Do I have anything to make me care about the pratagonist? No.

This whole thing is just too obvious.

Why can't he make it? That requires something different obviously, either like Bob suggested, in a sense, "killing him" momentarily after he completes the mission and "reviving" him on a remote island because "logistics" or something. Imagine being able to survive for decades alone. Christ.

Another route you could take is giving the lad an unnaturally long life span, nothing too crazy, just a couple centuries or so, that's a horrible fate as well because he'd literally outlive three generations. It's horrible.

In both cases you can add a somewhat gruesome description of how the culprit is transported or physically dealt with in the land of the living that can possible serve as a traumatic memory that haunts this guy.

The guy is lacking in the emotional department, why is he taking everything so lightly for the duration of his conversation with the celestial being? Kinda weird seeing a guy care about living but wonder so aloofly, "did I get killed".

As for structure, if you write a third person decisive story, please do not use indecisive language like "or did he?" it's just distracting and does not serve any purpose.

If sixty seven is a single percent, the whole total is six thousand, seven hundred. I suggest using for "nearly seven thousand years" instead of "over six thousand"

So this needs some work.