Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25685644-20141114224218/@comment-24101790-20141114232608

I deleted your story as there were quite a number of wording ("I know these (streets, alleys, highways and byways?) better than anyone,", "Suddenly I notice a silent clicking in the opposite corner of the room..." Hearing a silent noise. "He wears nothing but a veil to hide his upper face and the remains off (of) what), punctuation (commas missing. "Well come on!", "As I move to the front of the establishment I am plagued by the constant...") issues.

Additionally, dialogue should be on separate lines (Beginning a new line with each speaker.) and you shouldn't begin sentences with conjunctions (and, but, because) since it isn't really grammatically correct and makes the flow of the story appear start-and-stop.

Then there is the ending. ""I'm the Waiter (period missing, waiter doesn't need to be capitalized.) It feels unfinished, the malformed monster is interesting, but there really isn't any direct terror. (No implications that he's going to be eaten or any other sinister intention.) Additionally there really isn't any form of conflict in the story other than the bullies chasing the protagonist (which is also not explained. Try to build a bit of a background story. Why is he being chased so often? What is the restaurant, what are the monster's intentions, etc) It just seems to end without any explanation/indication.