Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28299494-20160615175738/@comment-24101790-20160615182840

Coding issues are still present: " Man -Honestly, I don’t remember anything " Please use source mode when posting anything as this is an issue that needs to be corrected and it makes more work for everyone involved.

There's a lot of punctuation issues here. Ranging from not using it to not properly using question marks in sentences where a question is being asked.

"This is what he said"

"Man -Honestly, I don’t remember anything(.)"

"Man -Four of us from work got together(.)"

"Man -We went inside the hospital to test our courage(.)"

"Man -I was separated from them(.)"

"Man -Then it was so dark in the hospital(.)"

"Interviewer -Don’t you remember anything at all.(?)"

"At this point there is a long pause until the man says something(.)"

I'm also wondering why the man's dialogue is broken into multiple separate lines? Are you meaning to imply it's multiple men speaking or that this are excerpts from the report? It really doesn't make a lot of sense.

Additionally since you are telling the story in past tense (2009), your actions need to reflect this. "After while she takes her camera out in hopes that she will be able to get some spirit photos.", "After another minute or two she finds another camera.", etc.

Story issues: This needs a lot of re-working. The climax feels really rushed. "When she is done she looks up and screams with the camera man looking out the window. The footage cuts out to display this ,“(sic)This experience drove our reporter to a state of insanity, after slowing down the footage, we found out why.”" This story really doesn't have any build-up or payoff.

Story issues cont.: It feels like this is all built around the Youtube footage, but the lack of any real effective plot/narrative makes this seem like it's using the footage as a crutch rather than creating an effective story. It would be like linking the Nightcrawler video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evmQ_4SNUW4) and having a small section that says, "I heard something one night so I set up my recorder and captured this." It really doesn't make for an involving story and gives the story a hastily-written feel.

Look at this for example: "The reporter in this show interviewed a man who had previously been injured from going in the hospital." Not once in the entire interview does it explain how the man got injured ("I think I saw something red, also in that hospital, I dropped my camera there"). It feels like you wrote this and didn't spend a lot of time looking over it for mechanical and plot issues. There's also a real lack of description/imagery here. "They play it a second time and zoom in on the figure. The figure is smiling and was (sic) a white face with his eyes wide."

I'm sorry, but I'm strongly going to suggest spending a lot more time on your stories as you seem to have a number of stories with a lot of issues present and posting incomplete/non-detailed stories really doesn't put your best foot forward in these situations.