Talk:Sabbath/@comment-27838637-20180228061725

After reading this story one thing occurred to me. I’m probably going to upset someone with this review.

I have read the reviews below and I understand completely where they are coming from, this story quite; different. But, whilst I understand their issues, I have to disagree with them. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and its uniqueness. I love the way you interpreted the song and created a piece that built upon and extended the themes mentioned in the song. But I will extend on all this in the criteria below.

Lyrical Interpretation – 24/25

Personally I think that this story shines because it interprets the song in this abstract way. Sure, it doesn’t tell the story behind what inspired the song, but it tells a story that was inspired by the song. I think that’s what makes a good interpretation. As I’ve said in other reviews, I don’t want to read a song, I want to read a story. I feel that you nailed all the themes of the song in this story and then went further by expanding them into a mythos. You still touched on the themes that did inspire the story however, including the theme of darkness, occult symbols, demons/devils and regret and helplessness. As for the lyrics themselves, everything is there – being surrounded by blackness, being confronted by the devil, being tempted by your desires, and being in fear of your fate. You did, however, miss out on the key theme of fire that is mentioned throughout the song. This, however, is a cliché commonly associated with Hell so I can see the appeal of leaving this out. But it did need to be mentioned to get the full marks for lyrical interpretation.

Horror Factor – 19/25

You do a great job at sewing an underlying theme of helplessness and dread throughout the story. The idea that you are helpless to stop yourself from hurting those you love, and helpless to stop yourself from doing such terrible things to others is a great and terrifying concept. It did however feel that much of the story relied on shock and gore rather than actual horror. At times the protagonists third-person comments felt a bit much and drew me out of these violent scenes. However, the horror seems to fall flat at times when the protagonist is in the Interstice, as the devils philosophical outlook at times feels a little drawn out. Done well, an all powerful philosophical being can be terrifying; but in this case the devils monologuing outdoes his terrifying persona and the horror seems to fall short of excellent because of this.

Entertainment Value – 21/25

This story is uniquely written and much of the action and descriptive moments happen early on in the story so it easily grabbed my attention. I feel that this unique style might alienate some readers, and at times it felt that the protagonists third-person narration was a little bit heavy-handed and distracting. I understand he is feeling a lot of emotion but when I’m visualizing a grotesque beating or torture this narration comes at a distracting hindrance and there were moments where I just wished he would shut-up. I see in the comments down below that you were wanting specific examples of things like this and I am more than happy to give them.

''“God, please no. She’s had enough. Get her to a fucking hospital!” ''­– This is kind of distracting and unnecessary as we can see it’s very clear she has had enough and should probably go to the hospital. It also feels like a futile comment as it’s clear that his pleading with himself to stop will make no difference.

“What are you doing?” and ''“No. You fucking animal. NO.” ''– These happen one after the other and is an example of how this frequent narration is at times annoying and distracting. One of these quotes would have sufficed but using both seems to be too much.

This happens multiple times throughout the story and I don’t think I have to provide further examples. You probably understand where I’m coming from.

I also felt like much of the philosophical monologuing towards the end was a little distracting. You go from having these great descriptive scenes of torture, but in contrast, the later scenes in the Interstice seem somewhat flat and boring. There could have been a little more added here to hold the attention of the reader.

General Quality – 20/25

I did read through and I couldn’t seem to find a great deal of errors. As mentioned above, my main issue here was the at-times over-done narration, which I won’t go into any further detail here.

I didn’t resonate with the ‘popcorn’ visage. It felt corny. I feel like the mention of popcorn in the final lines would have been better left out.

At times I also felt like the sentences ran on a little too much. I understand if this was the intended style, but some sentences run on for several lines and that felt quite unnecessary. Example is listed below.

“I hold Jamie and Lester both, never want to let them go, even as their teeth and nails start to burrow into me, as the woman approaches with the fire of her eyes burning even brighter, hot as the sun, as her mouth opens far too wide, filled with far too many teeth, as the children begin to eat and rip and tear and the screams from my mouth are lost in the white fog and the woman is bending over me and I feel my guts split open from my belly where Jamie has his face buried in me and I’m still holding him and now her maw is open so wide and I’m being drawn into the dark…” - Just way too long man.

Overall though I feel this story was very well done and you should be proud of your effort.

Final Score – 84/100