User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Deadpool vs. Slender Man

That email from someone that will end up propelling the story arc said that I knew Zorax. Let's just chalk that up to my bad memory. So, to help me possibly remember who Zorax is, I decided to Riff a Creepypasta story I wrote long, long ago. It was never put on the Internet...until now. The story, as you can tell by the title of this post, is "Deadpool vs. Slender Man." Now, I wrote this a few years back, before I took up the name Dorkpool. (I say "took up" because I didn't come up with the name; a friend of mine did. I just came up with everything else.) At the time, I was new to the ways of Creepypasta and Deadpool. But I thought I knew enough to write a story pitting the Operator against the Merc With A Mouth. Just to tell you how little I knew about Creepypasta at the time, I planned to put it on creepypasta.com. Yeah. Not the Wiki. The website.

Now, besides helping me possibly remember who Zorax is, there's another reason I'm Riffing this story: I've been making fun of the work of others, and figured it's only fair that I make fun of my own flawed work. I'm not perfect, and I shouldn't pretend I am.

Before I officially start the Riff, I should note that when I originally wrote the story, I italicized what the yellow thought box of Deadpool's said, and bolded what the white one did. As my comments are all italicized, I decided to make my life easier and writer YB to denote the yellow box and WB to denote the white box. This is the only change - besides the Riffing - I've ever done to a pasta I've Riffed. Anyway, let's see how bad a writer past me was.

Jason Jackson alliteration in the Mighty Marvel Manner! worked for Bush Pulp and Paper Company for a few weeks now. “He described it as the worst experience of his life.” A lot of his job took place in the forest, and at first, he thought it was a good idea, since he’s an outdoorsy guy. ''The…outdoors? By god, this is terrifying!'' He’s regretted it since day one, and now he believes he’s going to see why. So he just randomly regretted it for no reason since day one?

Since day one, he’s felt a foreboding…presence is the best way to describe it. “Slender-Fat-Na’vi-Spider-Kid” would be the second best way to describe it. Like he’s being watched. He decided it was nothing. After all, who would be watching him? The NSA?

Then, about a week in, there were disappearances. Quite a few of his coworkers simply disappeared, causing many to quit out of fear. Pussies. But Jason, who needed a job, decided to risk it. I know the job market sucks, but I’m pretty sure that no job is worth your life. Besides, after the disappearance, security cameras were installed, so he should be safer, right? Nope!

By week two, he was having nightmares of a faceless monster, when he was able to sleep. “When he wasn’t able to sleep, he just played Solitaire.” He started feeling paranoid; the feeling of being watched intensified. “He started wearing a tinfoil hat.” He realized he was losing his mind, but there nothing he could do about it. ''“Damn, where did I put my mind? Crap, I lost it. Hate when that happens.”''

Then he saw it. ''“Scarlett Johansson’s leaked nude pictures! And they were glorious!”'' The being from his nightmares. The first few times, it did nothing. It didn’t matter. Jason was horrified. “Jason needed a new pair of underwear.” He was telling the few remaining employees; some believed him, others thought he was crazy. ''The ones who thought he was crazy insisted that the being they saw was gray and had rake-like claws. Nutjobs. '' More employees started disappearing. On the security cameras, before they went out, they saw the being. “The being was doing the macarena.”

Jason continued working, despite his paranoia and fear; he needed the money, and he was determined to brave this. It would end, right? Well, with his death.

It was, now. Just not the way he hoped. Jason was running through the forest, being chased by… it. Slender Man, he’s taken to calling it. Because the plot demanded he did. He decided that, if anyone else came in the forest, they’d be warned. So, on eight pieces of paper, he wrote warnings. Slender: The Prequel. At least, that’s how it started. Now, the notes said things like, “HELP ME”. Also, “I’M COMPLETELY LOST” and “DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SPARE PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR?”

At last, he had them all up. Hopefully whoever else enters this forest will be warned. He decided to take a break. Putting up pieces of paper around a forest while being chased by a hentai star really takes a lot out of you. Then, he felt it, the feeling of being watched. He turned around to see Slender Man. His final thought was that at least he’d warned everyone. Actually, his final thought was, “AAAAAAHHHHHH!”

Al Goodman, ''Goodman? Is this a subtle reference to Martin Goodman, former editor of Marvel Comics? Oh, past me, you’re almost as nerdy as present me, but not as badass as future me.'' manager of Bush Pulp and Paper Company, turned to face the man in the red and black suit. ''The suit was made of latex. The man was a sex freak.''

“You see my problem?” Goodman asked. Both he and the man in red and black watched the final moments of Jason Jackson- or at least as much as they could catch; whenever this…thing showed up, the cameras went haywire- on video.

“My employees are disappearing, people are quitting, and I’m losing money. I need your help.” The man in red and black, with swords strapped to his back, and said, Why the and? “I can see how that might be a problem. So, you want me to kill this thing?”

“Yes,” Goodman said. “I have some pictures of it. Some workers have taken to calling it ‘Slender Man’.” “Others have called it the ‘Operator.’ A few call it ‘Der Ritter.’ One or two call it ‘Slenpai’ and ask it to notice them.”

“Ok. So, how much are you willing to pay?”

“1 million sound good?”

“Yes, yes it does.” The man in the red and black suit pointed at himself and said, “Don’t worry, tree-killing person, Deadpool will kill Slender Man!” How To Introduce Yourself: Deadpool Style.

Deadpool took some of the pictures Goodman had of Slender Man, and walked out of Goodman’s office.

YB: Why did you say, “Deadpool will kill Slender Man?” one of the voices in Deadpool’s head asked.

“Simple. The guy writing that simply described me. He didn’t say my name, so I felt I had to. Besides, this is a book-esque story, so the readers don’t know how I look.” He’s got a point. WB: We should also let the readers know other things about us. Another voice in his said. “Good idea. As you guys reading this know already, my name is Deadpool. I also happen to have voices in my head, and break the fourth-wall.” ''You break the fourth wall? What a shock.''

YB: Fuck the police!

“I’m also a mercenary, and can regenerate. In other words, I don’t die. That enough for you?”

WB: Yes. I think the readers know enough about us now.

“Good. Now let’s get this over with. I want to finish this and get some chimichangas.”

Deadpool walked out into the forest. The moon hung overhead surrounded by darkness and tall trees. And spooky atmosphere.

“Does this really have to take place at night?” Deadpool asked, getting out a flashlight and turning it on. ''I hope it’s a flashlight with the Deadpool symbol. Those actually exist. In fact, I have one, and it’s awesome.''

WB: Yes. It helps create fear and suspense, which is what the writer wants. “Well, let’s get started.” Deadpool said as he walked into the forest, the flashlight creating a circle of light help to light the way.

“Seriously? ‘Light the way?’ A bit repetitive, don’t you think? Couldn’t you get Daniel Way to write this?” Deadpool, past me will write this and you will like it. After about half an hour of walking around and talking to the voices in his head, Deadpool found something interesting. An issue of New Mutants #98.

“Hey,” he said, his flashlight revealing something on a tree. It was a piece of paper, with the words, “ALWAYS WATCHES- NO EYES” on it. ''1/8 pages collected. You should start hearing thumps soon.''

YB: Hey, this is like that game that scares us!

WB: I believe the game is called, “Slender.”

“Whatever,” Deadpool said as he takes the note off the tree. Past me, you should learn how to use tenses. “Just as long as we kill him. I want the money.”

YB: And chimichangas!

“That too.”

Deadpool continued to walk through the forest, finding two more notes: one said “NO NO NO NO NO NO” and had poorly drawn picture of Slender Man; the other said, “PLEASE” ''PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME NOW. IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW?''

YB:If Slender Man were near us, would we hear that shit-scaring sound?

WB: No, since this is a story, not a game. Is that a challenge?

“Good,” Deadpool said, walking into a building. “I don’t want to stain this suit. Its such a pain to get this dry-cleaned.”

The interior of the building seemed like a bathroom, except there were no stalls or urinals. Deadpool found another note (“LEAVE ME ALONE”), and as he was walking out, his flashlight illuminated a tall man in a suit. The interesting thing about this man was his face: he didn’t have one. How interesting.

After about a second of shocked silence, Deadpool walked up to Slender Man and said, “Nice suit! How do you keep it so clean? I get so much blood on mine that I decided, fuck it; I’ll make it red. And it still gets stains!” ''I have the same exact problem! Of course, mine has a lot more black, so that’s not surprising.''

From behind Slender Man’s back, black tentacles emerged. “Tell me, Deadpool, have you ever seen hentai?” One of them hit Deadpool in the jaw with such force that it sent him flying in the air. ''Wow. Such force. Much flight.''

“I believe I can fly!” he sang as he flew through the air. “I believe I can- oof!”

Deadpool fell to the ground, momentarily stunned. He got back off, and brushed some dirt off his suit.

“That asshole’s going down.” He said, taking out two pistols.

YB: Yay! We’re going to shoot stuff now! That’s basically my reaction to most things involving guns.

Deadpool turned around to see Slender Man standing a few feet behind him. Wasting no time, he shot at Slender Man multiple times. And, if TribeTwelve taught me anything, that should do absolutely nothing.

“Bang! Bang bang! Bang!” he said after every shot. Slender Man was able to dodge a few, but the majority hit him. Bullshit. Blood came out from the bullet holes. Either past me didn’t know very much about Slender Man, or one of Deadpool’s powers is to change canon. Slender Man put an arm to the holes to stop the bleeding as much as possible. Deadpool aimed one of his guns at Slender Man’s head. He was going to pull the trigger, but one of Slender Man’s tentacles knocked the guns out of hands. The power of hentai will save Slender Man!

“Hey! I liked those guns!” Deadpool yelled in annoyance.

WB: At least didn’t break them.

“You don’t know that!”

Slender Man stood above Deadpool, his wounds healed.

“It’s on, bitch!” Deadpool told Slender Man as he unsheathed the katanas that are on his back. ''Well, were on his back. They’re not anymore. Also, tenses, past me, use them. Seriously, I was almost as bad as the writer of “Jeff the Killer” when it came to tenses. And it pains me to say that.'' “Katanarama!” Deadpool yelled as he slashed at Slender Man. Slender Man dodged most of the slashes, but one of the swords cut off one of Slender Man’s arms. Because Deadpool can do that. The arm fell to the ground.

“Need a hand?” Deadpool asked cordially. And I thought I was bad.

WB: Good one.

“Fine. You do better.”

Slender Man looked at his arm- even though he had no eyes- on the ground, then at where it was and the blood streaming out of where it was. ''“He had the same expression as when Firebrand flipped him the bird. Then again, Slender Man always has the same expression.”''

“My bad,” Deadpool said. “Allow me to cut off your head so you don’t feel the pain anymore.” Logic!

Deadpool leaped at Slender Man, and before the faceless man could do anything, cut off Slender Man’s head. The headless body fell down, and the head rolled a bit. Deadpool should’ve used the head as a puppet or soccer ball.

“Well,” Deadpool said, re-sheathing his swords. “That was easier than expected.” Deadpool turned around and started walking away.

WB: Doesn’t this seem too easy to you?

“Yeah, but maybe he’s not as strong or powerful as everyone thinks.”

YB: Can we get chimichangas now?

“Right after we get the money.”

Suddenly, an unseen force knocked Deadpool to the ground. He looked up to see Slender Man, fully together. The force is no longer unseen.

YB: Dun dun dunnnn!

WB: Told you this would happen. No you didn’t.

“What are you talking about?”

WB: I said this was too easy. Told you. You win this round, past me.

Deadpool looked on the ground, and saw one of his pistols. Because they’re just lying around, conveniently. He rolled to it, picked it up, and fired multiple shots at Slender Man. A few hit the faceless being in the head, causing him to stagger. ''Can’t Slender Man just teleport? Hell, can’t Deadpool just teleport?'' Deadpool stood up, and tried kicking Slender Man in the gut. But one of Slender Man’s tentacles caught Deadpool’s leg, Did I start writing yaoi smut? turned him upside down, and dropped him on the ground. Oh, thank god. Deadpool was still able to hold on to the pistol, and shot Slender Man in the leg. Deadpool got up and starting running.

WB: Where are we going?

“Elsewhere.” That’s helpful, thank you.

YB: Are there chimichangas elsewhere? The yellow caption box asks the important questions.

Deadpool was too busy running and talking to the voices in his head that he failed to notice Slender Man appear in front of him, and as result ran straight into the tall man. ''This sentence sounds like it’s taken out of a random bad Creepypasta. Shame on past me.'' Slender Man’s tentacles wrapped around Deadpool’s ankles and wrists, and lifted him to stare him in his lack of face. Past me, if this gets pornographic in the least, I will go back in time to kill you.

“So, you can do the whole teleportation thing, huh? Well, guess what? So can I.” Well, that answers my earlier question. Deadpool suddenly disappeared from Slender Man’s sight, and appeared behind Slender Man. He fired the pistol (he was still able to hold on to it Because Deadpool) into Slender Man’s back. Slender Man turned around to try and attack the Merc with a mouth, except he disappeared from Slender Man’s sights again. In issue 40-something of Daniel Way’s run on Deadpool, he says that doesn’t use the teleporter because it takes the fun out of it. Slender Man couldn’t find him until one of his tentacles were sliced off. Slender Man kept turning and trying to find Deadpool, who always teleported out of Slender Man’s sight, and kept getting hurt by Deadpool. Bullshit. After a little while of doing this, Slender Man was missing many limbs and was bleeding out many holes in his abnormally tall body.

WB: He’ll probably get back up. He’s still standing!

“Don’t worry; I can solve that problem.” Deadpool took some grenades out of his belt, took out the pins, and threw them at the remains of Slender Man. He then proceeded to teleport away, as they exploded.

YB: How come we didn’t do this in the first place? One of the voices in Deadpool’s head asked as they got to a safe, non-burning place. That’s…actually a good question.

“The readers wanted a good fight. If it was just me kicking Slender Man’s ass, people would get pissed.”

WB: You didn’t think of it before, did you? That’s…actually a good answer.

“Nope.” Deadpool started walking to Goodman’s office. “Come on, let’s get our money.”

“You idiot!” Goodman yelled once Deadpool got into his office. “You destroyed most of the forest! How do you think I make money?”

“Your great personality?” Deadpool offered. I would’ve said by doing lap dances, but that works too.

WB: That’s actually how prostitutes get more money. It’s called the ‘personality package’. ''Ok, that was actually kind of funny. Kudos, past me.''

“No! The trees are turned into pulp and paper!” Deadpool gets a lesson on paper making.

“I see.” Deadpool put a pistol to Goodman’s head. “Now, would you like to say that again?”

“Y-you’re crazy.”

“That may be true, but that’s not the point. I need the money. My costume got ripped up, I want chimichangas, and I want to get the ‘personality package’ from a prostitute.” I can’t blame him.

YB: And we didn’t get to wear Slender Man’s suit! Apparently past me felt that Deadpool wanted to get into Slender Man’s pants.

“So, Mr. Goodman, is your life worth $1 million?” “Bitch, it might be.”

Goodman nodded nervously.

“Good.”

Goodman started writing the check. “Who do I make it out to?”

Deadpool thought for a second, then said, “Wade Wilson.” I would’ve said, “Deadpool”, but that’s why I’m Dorkpool, and he’s Deadpool. In the remains of the burned forest, a being stood up. He stood up for what he believed in. A being with no face. It was on fire, and clearly hurt. ''BURN, BABY, BURN! SLENDER INFERNO!'' The creature starting walking, with no particular destination in mind. All it wanted was revenge. Revenge on the only being to hurt and live to tell the tale. ''Um, past me, did you mean, “Hurt him”? I hope you did.'' TO BE CONTINUED… (AT A LATER DATE. IF ANYONE WANTS A PART TWO.) Past me, no one wants a part two.

So that's "Deadpool vs. Slender Man", and, well, it actually isn't that bad. Past me actually got the whole smartass aspect of Deadpool down very well. Granted, he completely ignored most of Slender Man's of abilities, but, in all defense, past me was inspired by a story called "Jeff the Killer vs. Slender Man" which I may Riff one day. In that story, Slender Man was able to get his limbs cut off, and past me took is as canon. Actually, there's a few other drafts of "Deadpool vs. Slender Man"; I just decided to review draft one because that would naturally be the worst. But even that is better than most of the stories I've Riffed. Hell, I'd say that of all the stories I've Riffed, "Deadpool vs. Slender Man" is the second best ("They Hate Us And They Want Us To Die" is first).

So I went through my closet, rattling around skeletons, and have still found nothing on Zorax. Wait, skeletons. Oh god. I...I remember him now. That skull head...that lust for power and conquest...the obsession with creating a perfect being... by god, I remember. And if he's coming, I need to stop him. Because where ever he goes, he conquers.

So, what do you guys think? Do you think past me is a good writer? Do you think present me is a good writer? Are you scared of the coming of Zorax? Do you wish Zorax would've killed me? Let me know in the comments below.