Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26705150-20150906173429/@comment-26705150-20150915044817

MrDupin wrote: "He looked he worked there" -> "He looked like he worked there" (add "like")

"I think its best you see this next part for yourself." -> "I think it's best you see this next part for yourself."

"I think it the machine picked up on more than just dreams." -> "I think the machine picked up on more than just dreams." (remove the "it")

"I don’t know if John is alive or not and neither does x." - What does the 'x' stand for?

Your dialogues are a bit off. Please read this, I'm sure it will help.

This was nicely written and it has some moments of suspense. But I'm afraid it's a bit cliche and predictable.

Isaac said that the machine wasn't supposed to pick up "nightmares or anything else". Well, nightmares are dreams, so that doesn't make sense. It's little details like that that break the reader's immersion.

Your descriptive work on the other hand was spot on. It really stands out, not too much and not too little. Very well done.

Overall, I'm afraid it isn't that good. Description and general style are fine, but the plot just isn't cutting it. I suggest you try your hand at something different, I'm sure you can pull it off.

Anyway, good effort and keep it up.

1. I hadn't thought of a name yet, hence the X.

2. I still want to try out this premise, but in a different way probably. I could make it as set in the future or have somebody sabatodge the portal. Maybe I could even turn it into a more Lovecraftian style story.