Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33418823-20180821130107/@comment-35911608-20180821131854

I can see potential for some kind of story here about a hamster turning ravenous after being fed a new pet food, but it's hidden underneath all the Telling. Show, don't tell. Everything is very "I did this, and then I did this, and then I went here." Very bland reading.

It might also help to establish all of the hamsters at the start instead of bringing them into the story as it takes place. And, scrap the gun and the narration at the end. I get that it's like if a narrator was saying it, they would add in the sound effect and such, but it doesn't translate well to story. I'd just add an onomatopoeia (word that makes a sound, like BAM! or WHOOSH!) and then in italics or caps the "Rest in peace, my owner.."

It needs work, but I can see something here.