Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37482493-20190220032202/@comment-9041013-20190220124255

This whole thing is just wrong. These haunted video pastas aren't good in any way. I'm sorry to say this, but it's not scary and overly overdone to the point of not even being funny anymore. It's just not working on any level.

Leave the whole "haunted creepy dark web video behind", you can stick to a surface internet video being creepy and all. Just make sure it is descriptively depicted and is actually creepy. You should also make sure we can tell the narrator or character is visibly affected by it. I've written a CP about a creepy video which did not include any dark web or law breaking or anything like that. You can check it out, it's called "Mr. Gopo The Sad Clown".

Anyways, on top of this dead cliche of a video there's little logic to the whole progression of the story.

How on earth does one suddenly get on their ONION app without noticing and operate it? It's just kind of impossible. You could make it about a hypnotic effect within something on the surface internet that leads to this creepy video possibly in the dark web, but it's kind of pointless at this point to even use the dark net. The hypnotic effect should be revealed only at the end though and not be explicitely mentioned.

As Ned mentioned, you also have a few issues with the language you've used, nothing too major though.