Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25211243-20150715202639/@comment-26007602-20150716011737

Alright, so there are some pretty noticeable formatting issues here. You should those page breaks sparingly, and only leave a single space between each paragraph (especially not twenty or however many you did between the last few). Your use of ellipses, while also being grammatically incorrect (they don't create suspense; they're used when quoting something or to indicate pauses in a conversation), makes no sense in a journal story. Why would they use ellipses to space out the dialogue? It makes no sense.

That's one of the major issues with this story: it does not read like a journal. The first few entries lack detail and don't tell the reader anything about Terriville (Terriville? Really?  That's the name?). The later entries make no sense: why does the writer start writing random letters like, "ASDJF"? Are they typing this? There's no indication that that's the case. It's cliched to do so and makes no sense. Then the narrator talks about how the "doll stabbed their eye". Ignoring how ridiculous that sounds, how the hell is the writer writing that down? As the doll attacks them, they're going to just narrate what is happening? While being stabbed in the eye? It makes no sense. The fact that the narrator dies makes no sense; how did they post this? Did the doll do it? Why did the narrator say they posted it at the beginning of the story if they died?

There are many cliches here as well. The ending is a cliched "You're next" type that just isn't scary or sensible. How is the doll supposed to be at my house if it's writing in this journal? Starting off a story with "This is real" instantly breaks immersion because no, it is not real. We know creepypastas are fiction; when you try to insist otherwise, it comes off poorly as attempting to scare the reader. Saying that you thought this sounded like a creepypasta and decided to post it here is rather off putting. Never address other creepypastas or use the term in your story, as it breaks immersion.

Your story lacks build up. There is one paragraph before the doll is introduced, and since the narrator spends so much time focusing on the doll (instead of, you know, the infinitely more interesting abandoned town), the reader knows that the doll is evil and will attempt to harass the protagonist. You need to build an atmosphere before you introduce this thing: describe the town you went to see in the first place, don't focus on this random doll. The story goes downhill once the doll outright assaults the narrator (it's a freaking doll, if our narrator can't handle that, then I root for their death).

You've got the potential for an interesting mythos here. Creepy, abandoned town described in a journal can be done really well (please choose a different name). The murders could be done well, if it wasn't revealed that they were all killed by a freaking doll. Ditch the doll outright attacking its victims with a knife and focus on something else, like possession or something. Show how the doll creates instability in the narrator through these journal entries, and maybe they manifest in killer or suicidal tendencies. Just an idea. Hope this helps.