Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25922165-20190328214355

I didn’t know seems so stupid. But when everyone hides something from you from the time you’re born what are you supposed to know? My first memory is a whack with a spoon when I reached for something my eldest brother was eating. I cried after, not stopping till Mama was done with my food and I felt happy being cuddled in her arms and being given bites. My brother’s first memory of me is not one that ended in anyone being happy. And now I know where that led.

Even though we moved about a lot and me being sick kept some kids from playing with me I remember being happy. I was spoiled rotten really. And some times there were kids who ignored the weird lunches and never eating snacks at their house. I was used to feeling hungry. I never truly felt full unless Mama or Papa had cooked for me, but the porridge I ate wasn’t nasty. I never really like the bits of fruit they kept trying to add. Sometimes I would not even be able to keep that down and I knew my family worried. Still my Uncle Theo was a doctor and he made sure I stayed as healthy as I could.

I was told over and over again not to eat anything but my porridge and my food and never ever give anyone else any part of it. I never thought of the porridge as my food, it didn’t satisfy. But Mama cooked a big batch of it every few days. Leftover bits of this or that going in, at least I thought they were leftovers.

I know my parents had it hard. Papa was always looking for new jobs in a new place, his hands were alway rough but he put food on the table. Mama’s scars scared me though. She said that it was ok now, she didn’t have to do that job anymore. And really she didn’t go out to work much. She would smile at Papa and say he took care of so much now she could stay and look after us.

I felt guilty when my older brother had to go out and work with Papa. I had overheard enough to know the extra work was because of my food. Even some days my younger brother would go out with them! And he was two years younger than me. I begged to be allowed to go. I knew that as I had grown the hunger had gotten worse and this was all my fault. I knew it took a lot of hard work just to prepare my food so it could be cooked. But even with that I was not allowed to help. In fact I was not to go into any of the basements or back rooms where it was kept. “It’s only safe if Mama or I makes it darling. You could get very sick. You must never go down there.” Papa was very serious whenever it was about my illness. No matter how I whined I never got my way with that.

So I did what I could. I helped Mama clean and always gave up the tv if one of the boys wanted to watch. I spend my allowance on little things for them. Such cheap junk it was! Things broke so easily. I learned not to ask them about what they helped Papa with. I know my younger bother was mad a lot, but Mama told me not to worry.

This last move was the worst yet. Uncle Theo wanted us to move back to Papa and Mama’s home town. He wanted to be able to watch me more carefully I think. They didn’t want to. Papa’s voice was hushed but urgent one the phone and I heard him and Mama sounding very upset more than once when they thought we were asleep. I thought he finally just wore them down.

We left in a hurry one night, leaving behind toys and clothes. My brother were really upset. The drive it’s self was awful. Normally we would stop at night and someone would heat up my porridge on a hot plate. That trip we drove straight through 4 days. I was so hungry. I tried little bits of what everyone else ate but it made me sick. The only thing that did stay down was a bit of raw hamburger Mama talked a roadside place out of. But she didn’t want to do that again. She had had food poisoning from that kind of stand and told me she didn't know how sick it could make me. I don’t even really remember getting to Uncle Theo’s house. I wish I didn’t remember what happened the next day. I woke up realizing I could smell something amazing. My younger brother was sleeping in a chair in the room I was in. I guessed he was supposed to be keeping an eye on me. I was still dizzy and feeling out of it but I got up and moved toward the wonderful smell. It was in the kitchen I abruptly snapped awake. It didn’t feel like a dream. Maybe it should have. The table was covered in some kind of paper. The man laying on it was dead. His skin was so pale, I guess the pails of blood had come out of him. They had just begun to carve him up and I watched Mama push small bits into the pot she made my porridge in while keeping an eye on the part she was frying on top of the stove. Uncle Theo and Papa were cutting more pieces out and sorting them into bowls. I had seen those bowls many times, they were what my food was stored in. I should have been scared or upset or I don’t know, something. What I did feel was hungry and though it was probably the cooking food that had woke me up, it was the body that now had all my attention. Many things rushed through my head as I made my way to it. First was remembering I hadn’t been reaching for my brothers food. I had fastened my mouth on his arm. Mama’s scars...well they were smaller than the one on his arm, but I’d figured they came from me. Half remembered yelling from my bothers and guessing now they probably broke the toys I bought them. Guilt at knowing now why we had kept moving. But above all I needed that meat.

I didn’t stop till Papa pulled me off. I had never been allowed to have all I wanted so I didn’t want to stop but I felt full better than I ever had. My younger brother came running in yelling I was missing. He didn’t seem shocked by the body but he stopped dead when he saw me. I was a sight for sure. You can never get all of the blood out of a body and other things were sticking to my face and neck. Mama just sat down all of a sudden and told him to leave. They all watched me. Papa let go then looking at me he wet down a towel and began to clean me up like I was a baby. He had to rinse it time and time again. Uncle Theo just stood there. I didn’t know what to do. What was worse is Mama and Papa looked so worried and tired.

“Well you know now.” Uncle Theo’s voice was smooth as always.

Mama jumped in. “We had to do it. You wouldn’t eat anything else.” Her voice was not her normal one. “We tried everything. You would just cry and cry when you were a baby. I fed you, but well it hurt a lot.” Her voice was embarrassed. “And you never grew much but then one day Papa had a cut on his arm. You fussed and squirmed till you got your mouth on it. Your Papa didn’t know what to do at first so it took him a minute to pull you away.” Her rose again. “And you stopped crying. We thought maybe pigs blood or something. But, well it didn’t work. We were close so we brought you to Theo.”

Papa took over. “It wasn’t a long drive but you kept trying to get at me, so Mama would cut herself a little and you’d quiet down again.” He sighed. “It just never seemed like enough. Theo tried all sorts of things too. And got us things to make getting blood out easier. It helped for a bit. We mixed into porridge and mostly you kept it down. Then you started biting Mama.”

That really hit me then and I really wanted to cry. I did cry later that night.

“Then is was your brother and I knew we had to do something. Theo, he, well, he”

“I had a patient who was dying, he had no family to object so before I sent his body on to the funeral home I removed a bit.” He was calm. Papa looked angry? I guess. Mama like she wanted to cry as much as I did. But Uncle Theo looked like we were about to have Sunday dinner. “You thrived, began to grow, didn’t fuss, however I don’t have patients dying all the time. I talked to Ben about your needs, he was, perhaps a little concerned at what must be done. Still there are many people in this world who serve no purpose. Many people who,”He stopped and looked at me and Mama then I think he changed what he was going to say. “Allow themselves to go down wrong paths.” “Papa” I interrupted Uncle Theo, something I hadn’t done since I was a little girl who didn’t know any better. I went up to Papa and looked right at his face. “You killed people for me? So I wouldn’t be sick?”

He looked sick and nodded.

I hugged him as hard as I could then went to Mama and did the same. I didn’t hug Uncle Theo I’d finally figured out a bit ago he didn’t really like it. They looked relieved. I asked to go back to my room.

I knew then I had to leave. I couldn’t let Mama and Papa do this, it wasn’t fair! That night I wished so hard I’d never found out. On the bright side the meat I’d had that night made me feel really good. I packed a bag and slipped to the kitchen. Uncle Theo was there.

“I thought you might end up here. Running away are you?” He waved a hand at my bag. “And just how do you think you can overcome a person? How will you know which people to kill?”

“It doesn’t matter! Mama and Papa shouldn’t have to.”

He held up a hand. “Quieter please its been a long night, but you still might wake someone up. I’ve long been worried about my brother keeping up with this. But you out on your own just wont do either.”

He gathered up the cooler he had packed and led me out the door. He had a cabin an hour out of town. I didn’t really remember the times we had stayed there, but it felt familiar. He told me to not eat to much at once. He didn’t know when he would be back out. On the drive he had told me he would teach me to pick the right people and give me something to help. He would get my parents to move on as soon as he could. He would point out he was there if i wanted to come back and that they couldn’t tell the police I was missing.

I tried the best I could, but I’d never had my food, my meat everyday. He brought more and scolded me. I read books and cleaned the little cabin to pass the time. I missed everyone so much! I hated being away. I cried a lot. Really I felt better in a way. It took a longer time for me to get hungry. Later Uncle Theo told me I did better the fresher the meat was. That week with fresh meat and eating it at every meal felt wonderful. He was pleased about that when he checked on me. “I told them you needed to eat more often.” He acted like my little brother when he wins a game. Two weeks later my parents had left and Uncle Theo came out to the cabin every few days.

My parents were traditional in a lot of ways, soft, and caring. Uncle Theo was blunt. He taught me what sort of people didn’t deserve to live. He taught me who would be easiest for me to hunt. And he gave me prefilled needles to use.

And that’s why its hard for you to move. Bet you thought the serial killer going after you perverts was just a story. Bet you thought what could one little girl do against a big strong man like you? I giggled when you told me you couldn’t wait to taste me. Funny that’s exactly how I feel about you. 