Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150420031710/@comment-26027963-20150420100845

Whitix wrote: I think SoPretentious is referring to Bloody Mary. I'm not sure the policy on using urban legends like her, I'd guess that to warrant the use, you'd have to write the story exceptionally well or introduce a new element. I don't think either of those are done here; there are some issues I see that may have led to the deletion.

Let me start off by saying that I do like the dialogue between the characters (Although I'm not sure why they censor themselves). It is sort of cliché to use such broken grammar for a chat room (And I'd like to think that most humans are capable of more intelligent conversation), but I think the story has a very good flow to it.

The problem herein lies with the characters: they are indistinguishable from one another and complete idiots. You need to make them somewhat distinguishable from one another, as I can't keep track of who's who throughout. Differentiate their dialogue.

The characters in this story deserved to die for being complete idiots. Seriously, I was rooting for their deaths. Their friend tells them to call 911 (And takes the time to type in "fricken"? Why?  He's being haunted; that makes no sense), and they just kinda say, "Huh.  What could that mean?" The other two know they are currently/going to be haunted and stay around and chat? Why? Can you give me a reason why, other than for story purposes? No one will think, "I'm being attacked by a ghost; better stay at my computer instead of getting the hell out of here." The character literally says" my mirror broke", and proceeds to stay in the room. There needs to be some (even if it's arbitrary) reason to keep them there.

I think you could have also built up to Bloody Mary a but more; instead of having some guy mention her and then immediately summon her (Breaking any kind of suspense), you could have her already stalking him. Then you could feed in little details that something is wrong with one of the users (Which you already sort of do in the story; it just needs to be more subtle), and have the haunting spread. Better yet, drop Bloody Mary entirely and create some sort of other horror demon, but don't give us any details about it. People fear the unknown; we all know who Bloody Mary is, give us something new.

In short, I'd ditch Bloody Mary, conjure an original creature, and expand the story quite a bit to leave room for suspense. Hope this helps. Thanks!