Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32483561-20170708022504/@comment-32461413-20170708125606

Interesting concept.

I would definitely change the introduction. "I'd like to begin by saying that this is entirely true" is a super cliche way to start a story; I've seen this so many times. If the story is actually true (although it is far-fetched) then I would suggest writing a note that is not part of the story. If the story is only true just for the character in the story (not in real life) I would completely take that whole intro out completely as it is a "duh" moment.

The word "anyways" is not a good transition to get back on track; it's the obvious word choice and disrupts the flow. Find a different way to make the transition.

For this website, indenting each paragraph causes technical issues. Even though it may be strange, you should not have the indentation. Obviously outside of this Wiki you should definitely indent.

Wording in some areas come off as stiff. "I started to get a bunch of emails from my friends and family" is an example of this. For one, the wording is basic, I would sugggest using some stronger diction choices. "I began to receive a ludicrious amount of emails from concerned family and friends" would be one example to strengthen up that sentence. Also, find more colorful words to include throughout; don't always use the obvious, especially for verbs. "Went" for example is another word that could use some diversity.

"Thanks for the cake that you bought me the other two weeks for my birthday" is also awkward and out of place. Why does that need to be included? I guess it would be a little understandable if the birthday was fairly recent, but two weeks later? The whole email is awkward. "Here's a website with disgusting imagery, by the way, thank you for that birthday cake." The fact that the email is just one paragraph is distracting because it is just three separate parts crammed together. There are other places where the wording is awkward like this, so really hunt those down and think of other ways to make the point (it can be as easy as just rearranging the words).

So, if the website wouldn't load after so many attempts, why would the protagonist try to do it again? I know that people do this; they try repeatedly to get to some broken website despite it never working. However those people usually have a strong motive to do so, why the protagonist seem so driven to get onto this website? Also, why was the domain invalid then valid? I'm not exactly an expert on internet domains, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. It would make more sense if the website wouldn't load because it was under maintenance or Kay's computer had a difficulty. There could be more description to explain this whole scenario.

It is pretty convinient that the phone died right before the protagonist could screenshot the email. I think even if you mention at the beginning of the story that the phone was on low battery and the charger was lost or something of that sort (otherwise the protagonist would just plug it in), that would cover up this issue. Also, computers take screenshots as well; Ctrl + PrtScn. Why wouldn't the protagonist A) screenshot the image from the computer or B) wait until the phone has enough batter power and photograph it later? (side note, taking a photo with a phone of a computer screen is technically not a screenshot). Instead the protagonist writes the email themself which then tanks on the realism.

Description would help overall. Really describe the feelings of the protagonist to make a character that is more three dimensional. As of now, the character is plastic and generic. How would you feel if you stumbled across a website like this for the first time?

I honestly feel that this story is generic. Person receives email to website, website has disturbing imagery, person is freaked out, person receives mysterious message. This has been done quite a bit. Even though I hadn't read this story before, I've read enough where it seems like I could predict everything that happens. Even the imagery described was not all that different from other stories. I also think the email at the end was really expected. My biggest concern for this whole story is just how similar it is to other ones. I don't think the issue can be fixed without quite a bit of work.

All in all, I think if you were to think a little outside the box on this story and rework it, it has potential. Just keep in mind that the wording needs to be less awkward and to spice up some of the diction choices.