Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25012337-20140523015807/@comment-24784485-20140523033952

The first thing I'm going to say is: How in holy hell is this supposed to frighten me? The creepiness part is that they become girlfriend and boyfriend after, like, 2 days! And then he loans her 5000 dollars, just because! He just met her! And he's just stated "I'm not rich"! I happen to know a musician, and he usually only has about 10000 in his bank accounts at any given time. And this guy works two jobs. So tell me this: why does he trust her so explicitly with such a large sum of money? How does he know she won't take it and run? More to the point, what is this story about? Is it a love story? If so, why is it on here? Is it some kind of horrible teaser? If so, why is it so dull? Or is this just spam or something?

If this is a serious piece of writing, and you do decide to edit it... what ever "it" is, then here's a piece of advice; completely rewrite the dialogue. The rest of the story is bearable to read, albeit exceedingly boring. The dialogue however just makes it feel like English must be your second language. For instance:

-I (should be "my boyfriend and I" or at the very least "me and My boyfriend") and my boyfriend made a deal, and I am going to take (take? Your going to take it? Not borrow it?) some money from him to buy medicine to solve your body problems (WTF!)!

-That’s so great, daughter (why so formal?)! I’m so proud of you! I wonder why you didn’t mention this boyfriend business that’s going on earlier though… (because it just happened overnight, that's why.)

-I just simply forgot to tell you, mom (riiiiight. I'm sure). Good to see that you’re happy with me though, after many years of effort to take care of you (you really don't need to keep reminding the reader of this fact. Why would she even add that there? It doesn't really add anything to the already wooden conversation.).

-No more words to say, though (sorry, what does this even mean? IS English your second language?). All I want from you now at this moment (get rid of the "at this moment") is to go to sleep; you must be really tired after this big deal (after this "big deal"? Not "eventful day"? Or "tiring experience"?).

-I will, mom. Good night!

I found that all the conversations in the book were like this; awkwardly worded, wooden, and nonsensical. Also, it doesn't say who's who in the conversation. It just assumes that you already know. change this. While it doesn't really change the story (its easy enough to figure out who's talking) it WILL make it seem less... amateurish.

Don't post this on creepy pasta wikia. It doesn't belong here for multiple reasons. The biggest is simple: it is not a creepy pasta. I've reviewed it anyway, if only to tell you that you should probably just abandon it and try something new. That is all.