Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10869901-20140512073709/@comment-10950063-20140512111355

This is really bad.

I need to tell you that straight out, because in your deletion appeal (which you did wrong, by the way) you said you can't see why this shouldn't be allowed. That tells me you have a fundamental lack of understanding about what makes a good story/what good writing is. The best advice you can be given at this point is to read things that aren't creepypasta. You can't be a good writer if you don't read. Still, I will explain why this has been deleted over and over and over.

The way you tell the story is incredibly ineffective. It reads like a summary. When you write like this nothing has any impact.

The beginning is very tired. So many stories start with character name, assertion of normality, brief and completely unnecessary physical description. No good stories start like this, because this kind of writing is usually reserved for third graders writing to their pen pals.

Then you have the completely artless reveal of the character's hobby. First off, it doesn't work for a character to say they're completely normal and then two sentences later go, "Except I like to do this thing that a crazy person would do." It's so crazy and abnormal it's ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous, the act itself is. Where is a 13-year-old getting all these fish? His parents don't notice this? I shouldn't be questioning the logic of your story half a dozen sentences in.

This is where better writing would help conceal these issues. Just stating he guts fish and arranges them into words makes us realize it's stupid, but if you trying showing, not telling it can work. Example:

''I slid the knife in just infront of the tail and dragged it forward. Unblinking, I watched the edge split the flesh in two, I watched the slit get wide and uneven, I watched the soft white sandwich pale pink. When i got to the head, I slipped two fingers inside of the fish, hooked them around its organs and pulled. Pulled them down, then pulled them out to splatter on the newspaper that waited to catch the wetness. The fish fell out of my hand, my attention to busy with the pile of guts. ''

And so on. An even better way to do it is not even imply there's any kind of perverse fascination at all until you show what he does with the guts. When you actually write, you engage the reader and you make them react or you make them wonder what's going on. The way you're doing thing really can only make people go, "Huh, well, okay, I guess."

There's a lot more to say, but I have to get ready for work.