Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170530011049/@comment-24101790-20170601002409

Punctuation: Punctuation missing before dialogue introduction. "If that is your desire then say “I have seen enough; release me this instant, man of flames.”", "If you agree, simply say “Yes, take me to the inferno.”, "respond with “Sa'an nan sai gã ikon da zafi, da halin kirki.”", etc.

Formatting: Remember that dialogue should be properly spaced so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. "ask you, “Kada ka so ganin gaskiya ikon a cikin zafi?” This is your final chance to back out. If that is your desire then say “I have seen enough; release me this instant, man of flames.” This is done to prevent misattribution and to improve story flow.

Wording; "Any writing store should sell pens and notepads. But you are required to perform some awkward motions that are embarrassing in public." (The use of the conjunction 'but' implies a contradiction so its use here feels unnecessary as well as grammatically incorrect), "Somewhere like New York square on New Year’s Eve." (The location you're trying to name is Times Square), "The more time you waste on these (steps), the less time you have here.", etc.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues lie. The largest being that despite being a ritual pasta, it feels like there's no inherent danger or anything sinister at play here. There's very little at play here to drive home the fact that this is supposed to be an entry in the horror genre. Feel free to look over other ritual stories to see what differentiates a ritual-pasta from a how-to instruction. Take this line for example: "But a word of warning: you must never attempt to stop the ritual until you have finished or you’ll find yourself in an unknown dimension. Some of these dimensions can be quite cruel, so I say this again: do not turn back under any circumstances." What makes this dimension cruel? The worldly protagonist has experienced these worlds, this is a prime opportunity to instill a sense of fear or dread.

Plot holes: "I have also built a base for you to survive in." How exactly did they build an entire base on the sun? Given its size ("Go ahead and read them, these are all free. If the books don’t convince you, go to the east wing and look for a door labeled “Exit to (from) the Sun.”), it makes quite a large wrinkle in the story itself. If they could only travel with what they have on their person, how did they construct a massive, multi-room/multi-winged building? What about the countless books in the library that they seemingly penned? How long did that take on top of construction of the base? It feels like there are a lot of unanswered questions here that don't really enhance the story.

Plot issues cont.: There's also some contradictions here. "you are required to perform some awkward motions that are embarrassing in public." and "You will be traveling worlds to get there so no one will notice your actions.". Why mention the previous line if the performer of the ritual is going to be invisible to the public? "Once you feel ready, journey to the location. When you arrive, you will notice that it will be slightly raining despite what weather it was before" It seems like a bit of a plot gap as there are multiple places with more than 10000 people where it is not raining at 11:59. Remember, the performer of the ritual has done nothing extraordinary at this point, so why exactly is something extraordinary happening that isn't constant in nature (it really isn't always raining at 11:59 in crowded locations).

Conclusion: I'm sorry, but this is going to need quite a bit of work. The largest issue is that the story doesn't really feel like a creepypasta in any way due to the lack of danger or tension in the steps. The plot holes in the process also don't really help the ritual out much and the lack of overall goal also weakens the story considerably. What is the purpose of going to the sun, what is the protagonist hoping to achieve by revealing this information, who are the random fire-beings the performer of the ritual encounters? These questions don't really enhance the story or add any sense of mystery or intrigue. I'm sorry, but this is going to require a pretty heavy re-write if you plan on submitting it to the site.