Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27975952-20160502023250/@comment-27975952-20160502033215

Dr. Frank N. Furter wrote: Hello TheLocoTrain! I will review your pasta. First, the errors. Use Ctrl + F to find what I'm referencing:

"She would see these strange things constantly and she loathed it." should be "She would see these strange things constantly and she loathed them."

"When she was younger her parents would take her to the doctors after she would have a breakdown." This entire sentence reads oddly, perhaps it should be something like, "When she was younger she would have breakdowns, and her parents would take her to various doctors."

"three year old" should be "three-year-old"

"she petrified at the fact" should be "she was petrified at the fact"

"‘I should be calling the ambulance…’." should be ""I should be calling the ambulance…""

"She looked in every direction, ‘the girl could not have just stood up and left after what just happened.’" should be something like "She looked in every direction, remarking, "That girl could not have just stood up and left after what just happened!"

As for the story, things start to get a little weird when she sees the girl. If Amelia was looking right at the girl, then why did she apparently not see when the girl was struck? And why did Amelia call her parents and not 911 first? I'm going to assume that was just Amelia's poor decision-making. And wouldn't Amelia know that there were no mirrors in her own bathroom? Perhaps this was because of Amelia's apparent mental illness. I agree with you that the ending line could be better. And perhaps there can be some additional twist or reveal at the end, because I was half-expecting Amelia to be struck by the car when she went outside.

I hope my feedback was able to help you with your story. Good luck fellow Creeper!

Thank you for your feedback! I will change alot of my mistakes now. I tried to make it so she was seeing herself being hit by a car through the mirror. I didn't write it very well so it is hard to understand. Thank you :)