Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20181013052639/@comment-35711173-20181016172339

Labored breathing followed by erratic gasps sounds like a textbook description of agonal respiration. It's stiff and awkward but correct.

I suggest feeling the horror of that sound and making your description of it, in terms of your most personal experiences. Get the emotional impact. This isn't a rational kid to begin with. He is now in pain, trapped and suffering from the symptoms of the venom. Fears will be huge. You can play that like an orchestra if you take the time. Let true horror seep in.

Oh, and how many hours had he been locked in the closet? He should be dirtying his diaper by now, and smelling it. He should be hungry, thirsty and in a panic attack.

Was it a black widow or brown recluse spider? Did you look up the symptoms of a really bad bite?