Talk:Mr. Bones/@comment-24077689-20131120035150

You're right about one thing: the ending is a huge disappointment. Just as you start hitting a nice beautiful high note your voice falls miserably flat.

This has some really serious potential. The most annoying thing is your insistence to use ellipses, or more accurately misuse them. They're not meant to build suspense, or be used as a break or pause, I feel like certain places you could fix up your grammar. Like at the end when you say "what. the. fuck", maybe italicize that. It far or elogently would imply the same amount of tension.

Certain little areas need to be improved, "Her laughing as she said it gave it away" could be improved on the flow a bit. Personally I'd have described the mother as "kelptomaniacal" rather than simply as "kleptomaniac". Furthermore, this doesn't seem to have much to do with Halloween other than it being a Halloween decoration and the beginning of the story describing how much you love Halloween.

You clearly have never felt bone or ivory in real life, they feel very different. You would do well with omitting the ivory description as the idea of bone is more effective just on its own.

Def fix that ending, though. The doll says "boo" and that's it. What? She just got the doll from some random hotel? There's not even a semblance of an origin story here, like even a brief "she worked at an old classic hotel" or something would work, describe maybe when it's from, why it's there, etc. etc.

You seriously have the framework of a super super creepy story, just flesh it out some more. Mold that pot a bit more ,if you know what I'm saying.