Talk:Experiments of 1928/@comment-24125190-20131107133636

I think this had a really unique premise, but was poorly executed. I like the idea of death experiments where test subjects kill themselves and are brought back. So you have a really interesting idea here, but I think you need to work on it a bit more.

This could use a lot more descriptive detail. Remember that there is more than just sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. There are emotions too.

What was going through the researches' heads when all this was happening? Were there any feelings of foreboding before these experiments took place? Was there dread when things began to go wrong? What was it like for them to be locked in that room with them? Surely they must have interacted with them. I think that particular entry could be expanded upon greatly.

"They mechanically ripped them apart, and slowly ate them." Use adverbs like "mechanically" sparily. Instead describe what exactly about their movements were mechanical. Or add a follow up sentence to give the reader a better idea of what exactly was happening: "They mechanically ripped them apart and ate them slowly; twitching limbs and putrid breath closing in on them and clamping down on flesh with their yellowed teeth. I still haven't gotten the howling screams or crunch of bone out of my mind."

Expand on what you have here. Either add more to the dates you already have or add more. (Personally I prefer reading a bunch of short journal/diary entries to a few long ones but that doesn't matter) This has potential. Coming up with an idea is the hardest part and you've done that. You just need execute it better.