Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43643311-20190827213557/@comment-35711173-20190828012038

James,

Welcome to the Writer's Workshop. I'm glad you came here.

Your pasta is all BOLD. That makes it tough to read. Note the three quotes right before the text at the top. That's what causes it. Those extra spaces also make it harder to follow.

Your protagonist dies in the end, so who is writing the story?

Any good fiction is based on emotions. I see gore, but no feelings. Gore is a bore. In a Creepypasta, you start out with a feeling of things being wrong, then you progress in creepiness, and then finally that horror slams you. That didn't happen here. We're into dripping blood by the end of the second paragraph. Strange, random people who are dead on lockers with holes in them.

Does the guy try to avoid this? Does he run away from the lockers? Does he try to get the cops or other help? No, he decides to stop whatever killed half a dozen people by using a small knife from his pocket. I am sorry, but that isn't credible.

The whole thing seems like a nightmare that you wrote down, a bunch of disorganized elements kind of lumped together without a realistic connection.