Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20141231040024/@comment-24040907-20150102222038

This is a good start! You’ve set up a relatable character, in a relatable position. Almost everyone has had that Summer Camp-esque experience. It’s a strange time of departure from the norm and into an unknown environment. This is a great setting for a horror story.



Another thing that I liked about the setup was the description of the sisters. They seem like they’ll play crucial roles in the later parts of the story, what with their inside knowledge on all things paranormal.



I’m excited to see what you’re going to do with this. So far the story seems light and fast paced, like something you might hear around a campfire.



Concerning Grammar:

Paragraph 2:   But I wasn't thinking about that at that moment. I was more concerned with  <- upcoming camping trip and how I was going to spend it.

Insert “the” or “an” between “with” and “upcoming”.

Paragraph 3:   ...plenty of light summer clothes, sun lotion, Deet bug and fire witch repellent and books and sketch pads for when I wasn’t doing entries and writing exercise.  <-

Make “exercise” plural.

Paragraph 4:   Picking up my sleeping bag and back pack, I hurried after my dad across the street just as the first of the collage  <- Geology busses pulled up near the excited crowd.

Not entirely sure, but I think you meant “college”.

Paragraph 7:   Even though  <- were right about the cabins being a bit rustic and outdated, they were fairly clean and well-kept, plus there wasn't an animal pest in sight—big or minuscule.

Insert “they” between “though” and “were”.

Paragraph 8: I grew up in Curtisville, by the way  <- and it wasn't much of a tourist mecca despite having some coastal hiking trails and the World’s Tallest Totem Pole right behind the Safeway;…

Insert a comma after “way”

Paragraph 10: While most  <- my interest revolved around the TV and playing with my secondhand toys,…

Insert “of” after “most” and before “my”.

Paragraph 10: … my sisters’ interests revolved around playing amateur detectives and trying to figure out who or what was responsible for all  <- those disappearances among the local animal population.

While this is entirely optional, it will appear more professional to add an “of” between “all” and “those”. This is a trivial matter, as the lack of “of” is acceptable in colloquial English, which is the medium of the story thus far. It’s up to you.

So far I’d rate the story at a promising 6.8/10!