Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35826115-20190629165428/@comment-35711173-20190629181056

Hi, I see many issues with your story. The first thing is that you have what's called a "Wall of Text" at the top. Please read the blog entry below.

How to Not Make a Wall of Text

The second is that there is no transition. We got someone who had a problem with a game. Microsoft Support solved the problem. The story jumps ahead six weeks later to find out that some Microsoft employee kills one of the people that the protagonist saw playing the game. So what? I have no emotional investment in Hermann or Lynn.

I have more I could add, but that's a good start for now. Work on those two issues and revise your original posting above here. I'll work with you.