Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20170628150758/@comment-24101790-20170702143816

Mechanical issues:

"It immediately enchanted her childish imagination with its heavy moss-covered stones and its overgrown garden which obscured a small chapel whose tower rose above the canopy." As you describe the place in its entirety as a garden, including a smaller garden feels a bit at odds. Maybe a synonym might help a little bit.

"Charlotte lowered a chubby finger and poked one of the beetles on a ladybird-like head that sat atop a folded neck longer than its owner’s body." I'd change "a ladybird-like head" to its ladybird-like head as she's poking a specific one.

"“Oh yes,” Charlotte smiled. “It’s a very cosmopolitan place. Centre of the world(period missing)”"

"S’Lerrin said. His expression was briefly troubled as he turned her around and patted her on the back, but he soon enough shook it off and added an almost cheery, “let’s (Let's) go!”" As there's a period/conclusive punctuation between the dialogue continuation, the proceeding dialogue should be treated as a new sentence.

"He said,

“You have been the most charming person to have ever accompanied me on a short journey.”"

"“I’m not sure it was quite a trick.” S’Lerrin replied with smile."

"green; it’s (its) thick wooden arm tapering to a knife-edge that pointed at him like a finger."

Story: The story has an Alice in Wonderland aesthetic that is complimented by some effective description. I really didn't see any issue with the characters' believability or their progression as it did fit into the plot and was properly built up (Charlotte and S'Lerrin's friendship for example).

Concerns: My biggest concern is that a lot of the horror comes at the beginning (If you count the creepy imagery of the squirrel gnawing its own hands.) and end of the story (with S'Lerrin's encounter with the Guardian) and it doesn't necessarily feel like a horror story. For example, Alice in Wonderland and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe both can have unsettling moments, but I wouldn't really classify either as horror and your story does use those aesthetics/feel a bit.

Overall: It's a good story and S'Lerrin using Charlotte's scarf at the end to mend their leg was a nice moment that kind of brought their friendship/interaction to a nice conclusion. Unfortunately, a lot of this feels more like it belongs in the fantasy genre with some suggestions of the horror genre. I think some more reference to the Guardian or the more sinister nature of The Garden (Maybe the innocuous surroundings that Charlotte saw can be viewed by S'Lerrin in a more grotesque light.) might help this come off more as a horror story. Best of luck with any revisions.