Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25477067-20141117201841

I posted a pasta a while back and Got a load of good responses. Here is the revised edition, but by no means the final copy:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Aj8eTIM8ceCpg53wTViTm56PP0sq12R1w5lJkHPYVmA/edit?usp=sharing

Please help me by commenting with CONSTRUCTIVE critiscism. I really do NOT need to be told about all the ways my pasta is a crime against humanity, but showing me where I could add more depth or where I shouldn't would be really helpful.  