Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28391333-20160507012607/@comment-25569708-20160507230154

Hello Isabella Grace! I will give you my feedback on your story. First, I will list the errors present. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'm talking about here:

"My warning has be sent." should be "My warning has been sent."

"I know i’m" should be "I know I’m"

"steam" should be capitalized.

"peaked my interest." should be "piqued my interest."

"a error message" should be "an error message"

"remember it’s name" should be "remember its name"

"couple of weird glitches, like Tim would sometimes travel..." should be "couple of weird glitches, like how Tim would sometimes travel..."

"a book would show text that looks like poorly rendered splattered ink" should be "a book would show text that looked like poorly rendered splattered ink"

"game breaking" should be "game-breaking"

The quotes from the in-game books should be in quotations.

"twenty something year old" should be "twenty-something-year-old"

"Book 4: ". The obvious coding error should be removed.

Okay, now onto a few things I am unsure of for various reasons:

"Tim-Mario". I think you already made it clear that Tim was similar to Mario, so I don't think this phrase is needed.

"I went to the Dark Web and wanted to see if I could pirate it in any way." You definitively do not need to go on the Dark/Deep Web in order to get an illegal download of a game, even a Steam one. I could illegally download Braid in the next 30 seconds if I really wanted to from a certain readily available pirate-themed website, so I think your protagonist should get the game download from somewhere else in order to make your story more believable.

I don't think certain words in your story should not be in all caps ("EXACTLY", "THIS… THIS", "ANYTHING"), because italics are generally more professional than all caps.

"My only saving grace were the books." "Saving grace" is an odd phrase, considering that the books do not help the protagonist in any, and in fact only serve to further unnerve him/her.

"I. Am. Not. Taking. Them. Off." Each word in this sentence should probably not have a period, as it makes it looks slightly unprofessional.

"It'll probably eat me. I can't stop playing the game for a long period of time. It'll probably eat me." The "eat me" part is used twice.

"...same, same, same, same, same, same, same, same, same." and "that stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, level over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again." This is just too much repetition, and just seems to take up space in your story.

Finally, my thoughts on the pasta itself. I don't mean to across as a prick, but your story currently does not have much in the way of originality. The "haunted gaming file with disturbing messages" formula is apparent. Also, the "monster is watching me" twist in your story just isn't currently that interesting either. It just strikes me as weird that the protagonist would type out this whole tale/warning despite the fact that his/her phone could not even post it or send it to anyone, due to no phone service being available. Also, the in-game messages from the books just come across as too vague to be creepy. Finally, when the protagonist says that the monster will probably "eat me", it just seemed kind of humorous, due to the weird wording.

In closing, I would suggest fleshing your story out some more (as it is pretty short), improving the wording (as it seems a little too conversational), and coming up with some more original aspects. As it stands right now, it just seems that your story could be better.

I hope you find my advice helpful (and not too harsh, I'm just being 100% honest as you wanted), and I hope that it helps you with this story, and all future stories of yours. Good luck, fellow Creeper! :-)