Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25730391-20141112013748/@comment-25226524-20141115022307

Well I'm never crazy about second-person narratives, but it worked ok in this. I think you could probably just make it first-person, but it really doesn't hurt the story much. I actually enjoyed it, although it was a little predictable for me, but that's likely just due to the fact that I read so much and am always thinking about the possible twist as I read.

You did really good with the technical and grammar aspects. There are a few mistakes here and there that you should catch if you proofread it a couple more times, but nothing that was too distracting. I'm not sure if the saying, "black, white, and read all over" works in written form, since it's based on a homophone(red/read). I don't think you really need to remove it, it was just something I noticed, and I can't decide if it would look better as "red" or as you have it. Don't ask me why I bothered bringing that up, but I did, so oh well.

I really enjoyed the old style noir-ish gangster characters that you used. For some reason this made it more unsettling from my perspective. I think you could maybe add just a little more dialogue between those characters to build them a bit more, if you can think of something, but I wouldn't add much.

I really don't see anything much I would change about it, and I don't see any reason why it would be deleted. Just proofread it a couple more times, and I would actually advise reading it out-loud at least once so you can catch anything that doesn't sound quite right (I know this sounds silly, but it really works). All in all, I think this is a pretty good story. Keep writing, I definitely see some talent in this.