Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20181214071705/@comment-36393004-20181214152934

BloodySpghetti wrote: It's like you too the literal nightmare and just put it on paper. It's way too weird and flipping all over the place to work as it is at the moment. It's so flippy in fact that you've forgot to include "I" in one of your sentences rendering it awkward.

I can't say much about this as it is, because it's just all over the place and loses all effect when it starts going beyond the mind of a kid and into a nightmare of a conspiracy theorist.

Keep the "I am a robot" scenario and simply expand on that.

As much as I love The Killing Joke and Ledger's portrayal of the Joker, both of which include the notion that he knows something the rest of us don't. The Joker is so much more than that, The Joker is a force of nature, he is simply chaos incarnate. I liked the idea and the first few sentences grabbed me as well but as soon as I got to this it starting falling flat: "Yesterday, I thought I was a human being. Today I discovered the truth. Why did my mother and Doctor Kennedy pretend that I wasn’t a machine?"

I think as a child he jumped from fear/schock to understanding of the situation he was in far too quickly. This is probably due to it being a dream, as Bloody said. It looks like you took the actual dream and wrote it out, because dreams are rushed like this and sometimes don't make sense. I would go back to the point of returning home from the hospital and slow down the pace of the story. Let it unfold more with him questioning his parents and them acting strange about it. Most parents would pass it off as an overactive imagination or something. Let him find more evidence before deciding he's a robot and beginning to question the world around him.

Also: "I realized I told anyone, they might destroy me. So I closed my eyes and worked even harder at pretending I was asleep."

I think you meant: "I realized ( if I ) told anyone,"