Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26548430-20150713202605/@comment-26007602-20150714025958

Alright, so the main problem is that the first two thirds of this story don't read like a creepypasta at all, they read like a gay romance. There's no tension, fear, or any sort of foreboding to what is going to happen, and many readers will turn away because there is simply nothing creepy, scary, or interesting happening. You spend far too long describing James' desire to get laid instead of actually trying to scare the reader. You could cut everything not relating to the direct meeting between Brad and James, and the introduction of Kennedy, and the story would be no different fear-wise.

You also spend far too much time describing unimportant and frankly uninteresting details unrelated to the the overall plot. I don't care about all these girls that want to "turn James straight" (is that a real thing? Really? It sounds ridiculous), nor do I care about the time he spends with Laurie (as she doesn't play into the plot at all), nor do I care about the time he spends working out. You need to cut down on these kinds of details and instead focus on alluding to something is wrong in the story. You need to build up to the confrontation with Kennedy and Elijah, as they just show up out of nowhere, and the lack of build up sorely hurts their appearance.

Parts of this seem like it was adapted from gay porn. The way the narrator goes into so much detail about these "muscular men" (not to mention that all the men seem to be ripped), James' "manhood" (you can say penis. Penis is a viable option), use of the words "penetrated James", and the focus on James' deprival of sex make this seem like the story was previously something else (and probably contained a lot more fucking). I'm not here to judge, but you should really try to take the feel away from "homosexual porn" and into "creepypasta".

I don't know who Riley is, but he apparently shows up in the last few paragraphs. Pretty sure that's an error.

Plot wise, there are some things that bother me. James meets some guy online and instantly hooks up with him? There's no flirting or chatting prior? He sees a picture, says, "I want to fuck that," and then decides to meet up in person? He's an idiot. This would be a prime area to try and ease tension into the story. Let us know something is wrong during their conversations.

Do guys need condoms when they go to have sex with other guys? I don't think getting pregnant is a concern between two dudes.

This story desperately needs tension in place of the useless descriptions. We don't need to know every little detail about James or Kennedy. We need to know that something is wrong in between them.