Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25044455-20140613034812/@comment-24821182-20140613044057

This was really not good at all.

First of all, you misspell witness, possession, possessed, possess, floor, and guards. Furthermore, you jump in tense way too often, sometimes within the same paragraph for no reason, and it's distracting. The first bit in parentheses is way too close to the words around it. Sometimes, you put a space after quotation marks, when the quoted sentence begins there. Instead of having WELCOME in all caps, you could put it in quotation or, if it's to add emphasis, italics.

You forget to capitalize the first letter in "Greek", as it's a nationality/language. You don't add the apostrophe in "Raleigh's gun".

You seem to end a few bits of dialogue with a period when it's told who said it immediately after in the same sentence. When he/she/it said comes after the sentence, you don't add a period but a comma. In other words, it shouldn't be:

''" She's Amanda Krokahve." Alec said. but rather "She's Amanda Krokahve," Alec said.''

In addition to this, there's a piece of dialogue that you don't even end with any punctuation. Also, you forget to split up the paragraphs when in a certain spot, one person says something immediately after another.

Second, there's all the exposition. Instead of disrupting the flow of the story by adding in a parenthesis of background information, try actually incorporating that background information into the story. Some of the exposition we receive through the parentheses is completely superfluous; we don't care they're driving in a Cadillac, and we don't care that "Amarande" means "immortal" in Greek.

Also, don't apologize for the gore; if the JtK-reference hadn't already shattered my suspension of disbelief into a quadrillion pieces, this would have been sure to do the trick.

Third, the overall story was really basic and cliché. I'm going to guess that you thought the story up while bored, because I honestly can't find even the slightest modicum of originality.

Please try harder; I know that with practice, you can write a good story.