Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25558572-20140606025710/@comment-24821182-20140606061456

I thought it was really good, and it pains me to say that I don't really know how to improve it. I can only think of an issue with punctuation:

You seem to end bits of dialogue that are followed by some variation of she said/muttered/chided with a full stop in the form of a period, when you're supposed to use a comma instead. '''"Oh, come on, I didn't mean it." Serena chided.''' is an example of this; the bit of dialogue is immediately followed up by telling us who said it, and therefore it should end with a comma instead of a period. Had the sentence been: Serena chided, "Oh, come on, I didn't mean it." then it would be justified to end with a period.

This is really the only thing I could spot, but analyzing a story itself isn't my strong point either, so another reviewer might be able to help you out with that.