Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29709755-20161026044742/@comment-27905100-20161026061447

Woah.

Sorry. I like to post my first reaction after reading something when reviewing.

Okay. First we'll start with the issues.

I understand the title, but I don't like it very much in relation to the story, and the glowing smile in the dark makes it pretty much invalid. I would change the title myself, but that's your decision.

There are very few here, all I would say is take out the triple spaced paragraphs. Those ruin the flow, and you could scare someone much better if the immersion isn't broken by having to scroll every minute.

Other than that, I would say that you should go into more detail when describing the way down to and from the cellar and boilers to set the mood better. "Each stair brought me closer to the gaping maw of the vent" is better than "I got to the vent and opened it up."

The plot is great, it gave me chills just reading it. I do have a bit of confusion due to the fact that I think the doll is a child, but I'm not sure if everyone will understand that.

Now, as for the stand-alone story part, I'd say it could work like that, or, if you want, you could make the sequels like you were intending. This feels very much like penpal to me, and I believe that sequels like that would work very well for this.

This was an amazing pasta, one of the few I've read to actually outright scare me, and I'm excited to see what you will write next.