Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180206223252/@comment-25941663-20180212203247

"The reason people had linked the song to suicide was that of the chorus constantly mentioning Romeo and Juliet" - This is phrased a bit awkwardly. The part 'was that of' does not sound natural. I suggest rephrasing the whole sentence to "The reason people had linked the song to suicide was the chorus constantly mentioning Romeo and Juliet..." I think this sounds better. Also, I feel the next part right after this is a bit clunky two. I would merge "two characters in a Shakespearean play" and "They had killed themselves due to a misunderstanding and faulty love" to something like "two Shakespearean characters who killed themselves due to a misunderstanding and faulty love". Even though this makes the current sentence longer, you do not break up the flow of information.

"What is that tale then, you ask. This is that tale." - I find this a bit awkward. It seems like you are trying to shoehorn this in. Personally, I would drop the first sentence and just stick with "This is that tale."

"met sat before directly in her vision" - I don't understand the 'before directly' thing. Was it a mistype?

There were a bunch more mistakes like these. You will probably catch them with another read-through.

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Apart from the grammar mistakes/missing words, it was quite good. Dark and brutal. The realness of the piece is what makes this stand out. Max made me feel sick to my stomach and filled me with anger. Very nice work on that.

The only downside storywise is the intro and outro parts. Writing about the song is not something I care about, so it did nothing for me. If I were you, I would cut down on the intro and remove the outro altogether, as it serves no purpose.

Overall, good work, even though it needs a bit of a cleanup.