Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34296765-20160531232029/@comment-25569708-20160603012600

Okay Mario, so I've looked over every review and iteration of your story here. While I'm not sure I can give you amazing advice that will totally revamp your story, I found a few things that could use reconsideration/revision:

"his two assailants, who had watched him open the rusty golden cubic box". Since the boy is currently opening the box in this sentence, I find it odd that this part of the sentence says that they "had watched" him open the box.

"landing an uppercut on the back of the boy's head". This may just be me, but I would consider an uppercut an odd and difficult move to do to the back of someone's head.

""Dirty piece of shit," the other assailant quipped". That would be an odd thing to "quip," since when someone "quips" something, it is most often a witty remark or comeback.

"filled to the top with some unknown substance the material". I realize that you want to keep the contents of the container secret in this sentence, but calling a collection of bugs a "substance" is just odd.

I believe "caught a glimpse of the contents in the cup and recognized it instantly" should be "caught a glimpse of the contents in the cup and recognized them instantly"

"arthropods from his gigantic bug collection". You should probably mention that they are a collection/group of arthropods, and not just simply "arthropods."

"let the centopedes crawl across his skin". Firstly, "centopedes" should be "centipedes". Secondly, I thought that they were a random assortment of arthropods. Why are the centipedes the only ones mentioned crawling around here?

"his parents who had cared for him only so much". This kind of implies that his parents did not care for him very much, when I think you're trying to state the opposite here. Maybe omit the "only."

"dumping the cup of centipedes and other wriggling arthropods into the homemade torture box for her son to drown in - to drown in the squishy sea of legs and segments and feelers, crawling all over the boy and tormenting him with stinging bites relentlessly." This sentence is a bit overly-long and complex.

Early in the story you state that the boy thinks about "loving parents who once adored and cared for him, who would never let any harm like this come to him". Obviously you are trying to imply that his parents are somehow gone and that these are just random torturers tormenting him, but at the end you reveal them as the parents. However, you contradict yourself with the part where you say "To think she (the mom) loved him (the boy)...". I thought these people didn't love the boy, hence the boy's "thinking about his loving parents who once adored and cared for him". The boy flip-flops and thinks that his parents don't and do love him. Is this cognitive dissonance, or is it just unintentional? Maybe I am overlooking something. This could use some clearing up.

You use the word "assailant" a whole lot. I realize that you want to keep the parent's identities a secret until the reveal, but there are other words you can use instead of using just using "assailant" all the time.

And finally I noticed that you use double spacing. I don't think the wiki allows for that type of formatting.

Okay, I hope my observations helped somewhat. I think your story is generally good and unnerving, but the ending line feels a tad anticlimactic. I know you're implying that this cycle of abuse towards the child is ongoing and a regular thing for him, but I just feel like there could be another ending line that better implies this. Anyways, good luck with the story.