Talk:The Simple Man/@comment-25383866-20160108210953

On the surface there isn't really much wrong with this story. I greatly wanted to enjoy it, because your use of language is evocative, and I wanted to figure out what he was doing on this familiar-yet-not path.

It seems though that you don't really know when to break up sentences for better flow, as there are a lot places where you've exhausted a thought and continued in the same sentence but just thrown in commas- "Caution, with which came deliberation, in pitch darkness a boy lay on the street." Tell me there isn't anything wrong with this sentence. It's almost poetic taken out of context, like slam poetry. But in the story it just seems awkward and clunky."The boy lay in the pitch-darkness of the street, prompting caution, and with it, deliberation." Or "The boy lay in the pitch darkness of the street, his presence prompting deliberate caution." Both of these are far superior and flow much better.

Overall good story. You clearly have passion, so don't let some asshole internet commenter get you down.