Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24946232-20140516121248/@comment-24821182-20140516124438

I haven't read the original version, so I'm unable to say if this is an improvement. I noticed a few minor grammatical errors, but you'll find and fix those when proofreading, I'm sure.

I thought the story was all right, but not really that great. I think these eighth grade children act like they're straight out of an 80s horror flick - in other words, superficial and lacking in individuality. They're teasing Sasha for wearing pink panties, which doesn't really make sense, especially considering Sasha must be familiar with the urban legend of Pinky and clearly doesn't believe in it.

Also, it would be good if we got some more background information about Mary and how she became the tool of Pinky, how she knows about his existence, and why she decided to lure her contemporaries to their deaths. Is it some sort of Silver Surfer-Galactus relationship, where she finds targets for her master to escape something horrible happening to herself?