Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27917923-20160716153648/@comment-29015383-20160717090601

First off, pleeeease set the paragraphs up corrently. This is a WALL of text. On to the story (since English is not my first language I generally leave grammar and word choice to others unless I find something I know is off).

The story is...a ghost story. For me it doesn't work that the description of the ghost comes at the very end. You should describe her the moment she is first mentioned. That way the readers can envision how she looks, making the mental images of her ghostly apparition stalking people stronger.

Next, I find it unrealistic that people 'just ignore' a creepy looking ghost lady in the midst of their city. There's no way I'd set a single foot outside with that thing lurking around. It breaks immersion that nobody gives a fuck.

There is also no indication that the woman wants a small gift from the townsfolk. She was described as following people, but there was nothing mentioned on her pleading them with them or holding up her hands, both of which would indeed suggest this. Right now it feels rather random that the people figured out that giving the ghost a gift would make her leave. Similarly I feel that the gruesome act of murder is out of place. There's no build up, no reason, and the town's reaction is wholy underwhelming as though something like this happens every other day.

The part about the forest confuses me a little, mainly about the timeline this is set in. If they have phones, they should have flashlights, which are a lot more effective than torches. Torches blind the user moreso than illuminating the surroundings, carry the risk of setting the whole forest alight, and run out much quicker than a fresh battery. Also, please describe the abandoned house to us. There's nothing there to make it more than 'nodescript generic abandoned house numer 123'

Hugging the ghost is a definite balsy move, and while I did like this, I feel like it isn't strong enough. Perhaps this show of affection and comfort finally lets her find the peace she needed? The attempt to take a picture is in my eyes wholy unnecessary.

Finally, there's to many questions left at the end. Did the protagonist not do any research afterwards about who this lady could've been? Did he try to find out why that house was in the woods? Why didn't he go to the cops immediately to notify them of torture basement number 96? Perhaps he then finds out something along the lines of 'that place was torn down in XX after blabla did blabla'. This is a generic and cliché example, so I urge you to avoid this setup. See if you can't think of a creative way to tie things up in regards to why the ghost was there and who she was.