Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36957522-20180927160401/@comment-9041013-20180928162240

NedWolfkin wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote: I hate doing this, but I had to stop after a couple of paragraphs. The English is just gfdfjghjkdfhgj

First, if their Legal names are Lyra, Autumn and Jacob River their last name should be capitalized, and second, you shouldn't repeat their last name every time you mention them. Once is good enough.

Second, whenever a new person speaks you switch into a new paragraph

Spelling and grammatical issues are all over this thing from the beginning, get a spell checker online, there a bunch like Grammarly and ProWritingAid...

Plotwise, from the comments I gather this is a case of a "psychopaths who becomes such due to trauma" That's not how it works. Look at Henry Bowers from It, he is a bully, he doesn't care about his gang, he wants to hurt people and he doesn't care. That's a gross representation of a teenager with the proper conditioning to be a violent psychopath. Sure, his dad might be abusive but then again, you have extreme cases such as Ted Bundy. Psychopaths appear to be very charming, intelligent and charismatic due to their high capability to lie and manipulate, as they lack a conscience and get off to commiting things that aren't right.

If you want to go for something more supernatural, go for the Michael Myers model, Originally The Shape was a man who is simply pure evil. There is nothing to him but a will to kill and destroy. He randomly as a six year old murders his sister. There is no reason behind this. There is nothing to explain it. He then stops talking and acts as an almost model patient in a Psych ward until escape when he's twenty one and again starting his murderous quest to end his family and anyone else who gets unlucky enough to get in his way. The exclamation point on him being a being of pure evil is when at the beginning of the first Halloween film he gets shot in a way that would kill pretty much anyone, and disappears afterwards.

This needs a LOT of work, so good luck. Since you were unable to finish it, I'm going to summarize it for you.

The father is abusive, the kids on the school bus all stare at Autum because she has bruises while simultaneously ignoring her. One day she meets a girl named Scarlett (whose name switches to Scarlet).

Autum's mother dies and we are informed that she used to abuse Autum. As for Autum's father he starts slicing her with a knife.

Autum grows insane after finding letters left for her in random places which say phrases her father used to say to her.

As they grow older Autum and Scarlett start to become distant. Autum refuses an invitation when she finds one of the messages. She later texts Scarlett and tells her about the letters she has found.

One day Autum (who has scars from her father slashing her) recieves a text from Scarlett saying that the former's father is chasing her. Scarlet, who is wearing a fancy dress for some reason, rushes over to her house and kills her father while Scarlett escapes.

Scarlett is angry at Autum (who is still wearing the blood soaked dress) for killing her own father and Autum slashes her throat.

After this Autum gets into an unrealistic fight with a police officer, kills him, and flees but not before writing her OC killer catchphrase in blood.

The story ends with a police report, or news report, or something we are never told what it is exactly. This gives us her OC nickname the Broken Seeker.

I left a few things out, but they weren't really important to the plot. But yeah, total Jeff story. Ma Name's Jeff... ​​ I did say I looked at the comments and this has to be re imagined