Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26873355-20160705234619/@comment-28266772-20160706135813

Below is an annotated version of your story with notes and some further suggestions below.

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This is all true... [are these ellipses necessary? Is the pause here super duper necessary?] Absolutely none of it is made up. This is all a personal account of my experiences. I am simply speaking of these events to get them off my chest and hopefully find others who have dealt with the same things I have* -> the asterisk is unnecessary. Your disclaimer can just slip right on into the story below without interruption.

Ever since I was young I've always had a strange relationship with water. It's not so much that I'm scared of it but, more so that I just don't feel comfortable around it. -> you literally describe yourself as being aquaphobic in two/three sentences

I'm alright being around small bodies of water like pools, lakes, rivers, and ponds but, [unnecessary comma] that does not mean I will get in them. Large bodies of water are a no go though. I refuse to be around them, nor do I want anything to to do with them. -> You repeat ‘to’ here.

Same goes for showers, its [it’s] not that I find the whole process of taking a shower to be long and boring (although I kinda do haha). It's more so that I don't like being under the water for that long. -> your audience will not be under the assumption that your phobia of showers is because they’re ‘long and boring’. It feels like an unnecessary detail to include.

By this point most of you are probably thinking, "Oh she just has Aquaphobia," and those of you ho [who} thought this are correct to think I am. -> redundant wording. Also the sentence feels redundant as a whole. Couldn’t you just say ‘you might have guessed but, yes I am aquaphobic’.

(P.S. Aquaphobia is the fear of water for those of you who aren't aware.) -> I can only pray that no one is too stupid to realize that aquaphobia means ‘fear of water’. I felt like this sentence was spelling out the obvious.

I developed a case of Aquaphopia [no capital] when I was around the age of eight. This happened when, as ridiculous as it sounds, I almost drifted off into the ocean on a fishing trip with my family and some family friends. -> No part of nearly drowning is ridiculous. The sentence “I saw a man eat his own face” is ridiculous, not this though.

This all happened in Florida by the way, which I [is] where I have lived 15 years of my life and recently moved back to about a week ago after living in Las Vegas for a year. -> Suuuuuper awkward wording here. You’d do well to trim this down, or more importantly ask “does the reader need to know where I’ve lived other than Florida?”

It's ironic don't you think? I live in a state mostly populated by water, the exact thing that I dislike. Yeah I know my whole life's a joke lol. -> I don’t know why this character is so riddled with insecurity. I thought it might be related to the story, but it turns out not to be. It feels like a level of characterization that is unnecessary, confusing, and distracting.

Anyways, we had spent a majority of the day at an island my Dad had drove us off to with his boat. -> again, awkward wording. ‘drove us off’ sounds like when someone is pushed off something. Like ‘he drove me off my land’ etc. Also… again I have to ask, is this really pertinent? Do we, the audience, need to know who drove who where? Isn’t knowing that you were at an island with your family all the info we need?

After a while of being out there we decided we were going to pack up and ride back to the harbor so my Dad could get his boat docked and we could all go home. -> Again this is redundant. The reader kind of assumes that this is what the harbour is for. It’s unlikely the dad would be docking there to enter a jello-eating competition. You don’t need to spell it out for us.

I hadn't yet learned how to swim properly and still had to use arm floaties although it might have been one of those ring floaties that go around your waist. I can't remember if they have a certain term or not lol. [this ‘lol’ type of language just serves to undermine and distract from the core of your story.] Either way, I know I had a floaty on. I feel it might have been the ring floaty but I'm not sure, my memories' a bit jumbled, its [it’s] been a while after all. -> again, who cares? How is this relevant? Every word you write will elicit expectations in your reader and if it isn’t contributing directly to the plot, character, settings, themes, or atmosphere then it’s not doing anything other than weighing down your story and wasting their time. Use your readers’ time wisely, and be more economical in your writing. This sort of frivolous writing style might help if it meant something, but it has literally no bearing on the story.

Gosh, I keep getting sidetracked haha but, I just wanna type everything that comes to mind as I write this [so] I can make sure I don't miss anything. Sorry, back to what I was saying; I was at an island, my family packed everything up, it was time to go, I couldn't swim, and I had some sort of floaty on. Moving on, I remember the tide was high and the current was strong that day. My Dad had anchored our boat out around what was probably 12 to 15 meters away from the shore since he couldn't pull it in any closer due to the shallow water. The boat was probably in 4 or 5 foot [should be: ‘4 or 5 feet of water’] water where it was anchored [redundant – you’ve already mentioned that it was anchored].

I was only 3 foot something at the time I'm still only 4'10' and ill [I’ll] be 17 in only a few weeks haha. -> run on sentence. Also once again the style starts to feel intrusive. I guess the MC is supposed to be nervous but it’s starting to grate a little by now.

<p class="MsoNormal">As I was saying, I was the size of a baby and had to walk the ocean floor which was becoming increasingly deeper as I went. -> ‘as I went’ is redundant.

<p class="MsoNormal">Not to mention the water's tide and current was in a state of chaos at the time. Before I knew it, I was about 15 or 25 yards away from the boat and drifting further. I was screaming for help and thank god our family friend's son [this might be easier if you just said ‘friend of the family’ which would be technically correct no matter what. Unless the family friend’s son actually a sworn enemy and not a friend. No matter what though – it’s wordy and awkward in its current state] noticed me and ran through the water in what was a severely less than graceful rescue attempt to come and pull me back to safety and into the boat. -> The nature of his running, once again, feels like an awkward attempt to undermine the very sense of urgency you should be trying to cultivate in this situation.

<p class="MsoNormal">I spent the ride back to the harbor thinking about what could have been and where I could have been at that moment if I hadn't been rescued. -> Repetition of ‘could have been’ breaks the flow.

<p class="MsoNormal">Needless to say, I literally [as opposed to figuratively?] haven't been on another fishing trip nor on my Dad's boat or even to that harbor ever since.

<p class="MsoNormal">Now as I said before this is only part [of] my discomfort with water. The other part is what this whole thing was suppose [supposed] to be about, my dreams.

<p class="MsoNormal">The first one happened when I was ten or twelve. I was walking the outside deck of a cruise ship; I could see the water rippling as the boat cut through it and sea [see] as far as the eye could see [repetition]. To my left was the steel railing and to my right was a white wall to the inside of the boat [ship – just saying, a boat is under 50ft, a ship is over 50ft]. There were steel portholes on the wall that seemed to stretch across the boat. Below me was [were] oak wood planks that covered the whole ships [ship’s] deck. I could see white deck chairs side by side in the distance towards the front of the ship. The colors white, blue, and brown stick [stuck] out to me. Also, for some reason, when I remember the dream and that deck, I think of red [maybe this colour should be included with the others]. I remember feeling so at peace and relaxed. I was overlooking the ocean and that's when the dream ended and I woke up. Now keep in mind I had never been on a cruise ship before or even anything resembling one. -> Not really spooky. Or even pertinent. I’ve never been in a hot air balloon, hasn’t stopped me dreaming it.

<p class="MsoNormal">The second dream happened that same year and a few months later [awkward wording]. This time I was inside a ship; I don't know if it was the same one... but I get this feeling that it was. [couldn’t you say this in a simpler way?] I'm walking up a red carpeted staircase with a dark oak wood railing towards a tall man standing behind the banister connected to the stairs. This man is wearing a black suit and tie and a white shirt. He has his arms hanging and his hands knit so that there together in front of his crotch. [this entire section goes into the present tense. You shouldn’t swap tenses] (Sorry I can't think of a better way to describe how he's standing lol. [it’s okay, we’re not twelve]) Anyway, he's standing there watching me as I walk up the stairs. I feel that I was walking towards him every time I think back to this dream. I feel comfortable and at ease when I think of the man, like I knew him. I'm walking towards him and then I wake up.

<p class="MsoNormal">The third and final dream happened when I was fourteen. This is the one that invokes my fear of water. It's dark and I can barely see anything. Thousands of stars are above me in the pitch black sky. The moon shines onto the midnight blue water that I'm currently floating in. [again, present tense. Pick a tense and stick to it.] All around me are planks of wood and half submerged furniture. Its [it] looks like the final scene in Titanic [I’m not sure relying on other people’s creative work is the best way to invoke an image in someone’s mind] minus the ship and other people [so like…pretty much everything that made that scene]; I don't remember seeing those [you just established that]. I'm all alone and I feel that way as well. I'm enveloped by blacks [eh?] and blues [eh??] and water... everywhere. That's when the dream ends and I wake up. I haven't had another dream since.

<p class="MsoNormal">If anyone has a similar story or experience or thinks that they can identify the ship from my dreams please contact me at -> I sincerely hope that is not your legitimate email address. Might not be a great idea to petition the internet with your personal contact info.

<p class="MsoNormal">So – I’ve used a bit of humour in my annotations. I hope you’re not too sensitive about it. The gist of what I’ve said so far is as follows:

<p class="MsoNormal">Be more economical in your writing i.e. don’t waste your readers time by stating the obvious and repeating things you’ve just said, or by forcing them to read pointless details that add nothing to your story. No one wants to read something like “I just parked my car in the parking lot where people park their cars. After parking my car in the lot of car parking I stood out of my car and walked along the carpark.”

<p class="MsoNormal">You need to sort your tone out i.e. your character stinks of insecurity but it adds nothing to the plot. The story has nothing to do with her insecurity so why even include it? Furthermore, her constant ‘lols’ ‘hahas’ and use of humour just serve to undermine the tone of your story, making it read like the strange blogpost of a teenager. The girl nearly drowned! Shit’s serious. It doesn’t need to be undermined. It’s like if someone said “lmao haha just felt a lump in my breast lmao #cancer #feltalump #tittytumour” – is this meant to be taken seriously or not? And if the narrator doesn’t take it seriously, why should we?

<p class="MsoNormal">Oh and you need to proofread. There were a couple of obvious spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes etc. Not a great sign. You can use a number of automated spellcheckers to pick this stuff out very easily.

<p class="MsoNormal">Moving on to what I haven’t said in detail – this story is awkward, and not well put together. It’s basically two halves. Someone nearly drowning. And someone having dreams. Neither of which are particularly unique, or even frightening. It lacks atmosphere, and you don’t establish a compelling enough hook for the experience. She dreams about a sinking boat – but so what? I think what you’re getting at is that these are lost memories from a past life – which I think would be an awesome idea for a story – but it needs some serious fleshing out in order to be a meaningful story. I think you’ve got a great idea and I really recommend you work at it to bring it up to scratch, but I would reconsider the fundamental structure of this story from the ground up.