Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37261931-20181126193445/@comment-36877863-20181126233509

This story has issues, but I'm not going to go into all of them. Suffice it to say that it needs work, but it has a great deal of potential.

The number one change that will improve the overall quality is the consideration of parallel structure. In this context, that mostly means tense. You mix and match past, present, and even occasionally future tense, which makes the story difficult to follow.