Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27027028-20160120173439/@comment-26723520-20160121161751

Well I reviewed your last one and I'll review this one and oh boy does this one have flaws. Okay first it's nice to see the beginning makes a little more sense on how they survived instead of the kid pick pocketing (which would have been a nice add on). But after this it just went completely down hill.

Now onto the actual story and what the hell happened here from the original. Your original concept in the other story should have been worked on instead of trying to make an entirely new one. You just throw these friend characters in and say the personalities but that doesn't even matter when they go all psycho in one day (never explained why they go crazy). For this build up to the ending when he's fighting his friends and he says they're not human (should have built that up instead of them just turning the next day and explained what they were). That ending was pretty bad I mean these "things" just got up and started chanting "Have a nice day" seriously would have been better if they kept silent watching him run.

Final thoughts on this was you should have kept with the original story concept and worked polishing it up but you tried a different approach and I can give you some credit but the story had the same problems as beforehand with the no buildup and kind of over the top ending part.

4/10 making some improvements but still needs work