Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25381229-20141111161921/@comment-5000412-20141111222619

It was engaging, and written in a way that kept me focused. It was written similarly to how many ritual pastas are, but that's not a real problem to me so long as it's readable.

The beginning paragraph did feel rather useless. I know that it's meant to provide a sort of introduction, but as I moved on to the rest of the story, it proved to have little correlation to the main plot (other than it talking about a bank). I would still use a form of introduction, but I'd try doing so by classifying a bank in other ways. I can think of many other places that can provide both joy and sadness, so the sentences come off as feeling incorrect.

You did an adequate job of picturing the bank and creating a strange, historical setting. The description begins to fall a bit short near the end, though, as the events of the ritual become rather rapid. The danger and reward both come spontaneously, and the story seems to drop off not long after. What happens if you remained trapped in the bank? For an almost supernatural setting, is money the only real mystery to uncover? With the idea of "great reward" and "awful destiny", I was expecting a bit more on both the good and bad outcomes.

You certainly have the essence of a good ritual pasta. I would concentrate most on making it your own, and adding more complicated and unique elements that would set it apart from other rituals. Keep on writing.

Hope I helped. -E