Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-6591982-20141016124321

Just need feedback on what I have so far.

Constructed critisicm is welcome

Thanks in advance!

I don’t know how I got here.

I don’t remember my past.

Hell, I don't even remember my own name for christ sake.

I’ve been walking for what seems like years now, up streets and down back country roads, taking refuge where I can find it. It seems nothing is left in this world. All the houses are vacant, the once bustling streets of cities are now overrun by vegetation and animals that finally broke free of their cages. But even in this silent chaos there is this one driving force in the back of my head. This force…this drive… pushes my southward.

Onward each and everyday I push towards my destination, never stopping, hoping that all my effort will somehow payoff when I reach it. On the nights I can sleep, I dream of small wooden house in a prairie. The dreams are so livid, I can smell the blooming flowers on the hillside and the wind blowing through my hair. Yet still there is this feeling of foreboding almost oozing from the house, a sound resonates from the the house like a beating heart. I always start to walk towards the house but sadly, I never make it inside, the shadows always reach me first.

Now in this god forsaken world there are a few constants within it, that i’ll keep moving south, that someone or something will always try to kill me to further their existence, and that those damned shadows are always watching me.

I call them shadows because I don’t know their real names, nor have I saw them, only their shadows, hence their name. For as long as I remember (even though thats not very long) they have been following me. I guess they started right when I began moving southward. They are more active at night, not to say I don’t see them in the day as well, but night seems to be their favorite time to terrorize me. They use to to scare me, but now i’ve grown use to them, well as use to them as you can get to shadowy creatures following you in the dark.

But something is strange with me compared to the very few other people i’ve met on my travel southward. Along my way I have met a few good hearted souls, even fell in love at one point. Yet the shadows always take my companions away from me. The image of them being dragged into the shadows, kicking, screaming, protesting against their captors, begging for my help is etched in my memory. Alas I was and always am powerless to help. Thus this has forced me to a long journey of solitude.

I guess now that you figure my journey is for revenge. Ahhh yes, you assume I journey towards this destination with hope that when I reach it that revenge will be dealt, that the death of those people will not be in vain and that the dreams of her being dragged away screaming and crying will leave me.

Do you think I'm delusional? I would love the sweet taste of revenge and finally have peace at night. Sadly this is not a cliche love story and I don’t even have a conceivable idea of what will happen when I reach the cabin. Yes I hope that some closure will come to me in the end but I have no illusions to what will and might happen once I reach it finally.

I’ve reached the mountains now. I know not the name of them, though I feel as though I did know at some period in time. I’ve taken refuge in cave along the south side of the mountain, overlooking a lush valley. Yet even this beautiful valley seems menacing with the closing darkness. The darkness seems to be it’s own entity, driven by the madness and chaos that has overtaken the world. Smoke rolls up from deep within the valley. I think to myself that maybe its someone like me, looking for a purpose, trying to make sense of this chaotic world. But deep down I know that it’s them, shadows. They’ve been much more active these past weeks as i’ve grown closer to my destination. I feel them now as I speak these words to you, they wait outside my cave, watching me. Their black, slick, shadowy forms drift through the dark, biding their time until they can finally deal me the fate they dealt all my companions. That night I dreamt.

I stand alone. The breeze swims through my hair and brings me the oh so familiar smell of tulips blooming over on the other hillside. The tall grass swings to the rhythm of the natural forces that push them. In front of me, 50 or so yards away, stands the rickety cabin. The storm door bashes back and forth from the wind. I take my first step, all grows quiet, just as it always does, and the sound, that wretched and terrible sound starts. The beating sound of a heart overwhelms me, its booms from the house as if it holds the heart of God. As I make my way towards the cabin I start to feel their presence. To the left and right of me, large shapes of different sizes are moving through the tall grass. They flow through the vegetation like water through a stream, watching my every movement, daring me to try enter the house. I quicken my pace, they match the pace. The heart beat is louder now, the sound vibrates the whole field and my hollow chest, almost as if it was my own heart. I was 20 yards away now, the shadows were closer now. Blood pounded in my ear, adrenaline rushed through my veins  