Talk:Poison/@comment-21086298-20140509232849

BloodMonster, this is another flawless example of all the problems in your writing. You sound less like you're describing a horrible thing that happened to innocent people, and more like some villain taking pleasure in killing the people you write, and the part where you describe the poison in "your" stomach instead of the characters stomachs makes this seem more like a far-fetched threat than a horror story. Reffering to the poison hypothetically killing the audience as it kills the characters is one step away from ending the pasta with "YOU'RE NEXT!!!"

In the part where manager starts talking, you fall into your typical problem where It sounds like you're advertizing the thing that kills people, as you dramatically list how many deadly features it has and how many scientific words you can use to describe it but clearly don't understand. Even as an advertisement for the poison, it falls flat, since you describe the poison as also being a virus, and an "acidic base" which is a contradiction.

Since I am reading this after reading your other pasta "Listed", I was disappointed that the poison only made people vomit blood. After seeing what the "poison" did THAT story, I was expecting it to make them start rotting, make them halucinate zombies, make people's eyeballs suddenly explode, soften and melt the flesh from their bones, break all their limbs (somehow), and suck them all into a portal directly to hell.

This is far from the scariest dinner scene I've whitnessed. If you want to see a really scary meal, watch Alien, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, or maybe Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Overall, this is more gross than frightning, and in terms of groseness, your 183 people vomiting chinese food can't possibly compare to 2 women vomiting "chocolate ice cream".

4/10.  Good mechanical writing skill and attention to detail, you could be on the way to writing something good if you would only write horror instead of torture porn.