Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25322596-20140823212918/@comment-25170312-20140824032543

This might be a blacklisted subject, I'm not sure. The list mentions haunted game, haunted .exe, and haunted file, but I'm not sure about haunted computer. Even so, it's super cliche, and it's not scary. An Apple II computer being able to run windows and internet explorer is ridiculous. It seems as though you want the reader to be shocked by it but that doesn't happen. Then a scary background image was made in MS Paint? How is MS Paint scary? And you call it "that weird skeleton thing". Not a good idea to trivialize something that you want to be frightening.

This is a problem: -at this point, I was about to call the cops, but then I got an idea: Write a notepad document asking who ever is doing this to the computer to stop, and title it “To whoever is messing with my computer…” 

^ This is an example of another problem. You shouldn't say he was about to call the cops and then decided not to. If the main character's thought process is lazy, then the reader loses interest in whether or not they live or die.

''A week later I was released from the hospital and the first thing I did was check the computer. ''

^ Again, the main character is intentionally screwing himself. There's no suspense if you hope the idiot protagonist dies.

It all made sense 

^ It didn't, though.

The only thing in this pasta that struck me as interesting was when editing the picture messed up his face. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to save it. If you tried to dial back the cliches, remove some of the binary code, fix some of the unreasonable plot devices, write more chilling descriptions of the scary parts, and fix up the grammar and unnecessary all-caps words, then it might be passable.