Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27027028-20160119193623/@comment-26475800-20160120042300

Okay, there is a rather large laundry list for this story before it feels clean. The ending is one of those that just rubs me the wrong way, let's start with that. You had introduced the sister only in the eyes of her brother, which is fine, but there wasn't any depth to her. She was just used as the shock at the end of the story. Yes, you did a better job at creating a feeling towards the sister then a lot of others do, but you could still do more for that. Add some dialogue, show the brother and sister interacting, make it seem likes these people really live together and love each other, then the ending would be stronger.

But, it is a huge pet peeve of mine when the ending just relies on gore. It is not creative, scary or really that shocking for a creepypasta to end like this one does. why would you have to use gore to make this story scary, it would have been better if you used a little more build-up and maybe she killed herself because of something her folks showed her while she was asleep. I don't know but I feel like just using gore for a scare factor or the punchline of a story is a cop out.

There are some grammar and format issues, the most blatant being that your paragraphs aren't really separated that well. You may want to break them up a little more. You have an ellipsis in the first paragraph which may work better with a dash (that is more of a preference thing then a needed change I feel but it would make it look nicer.) Some capitalization that I saw was off when I was reading through and a few places where a comma or period would fit nicely, but not too bad on the grammar.

Overall, this story started rather well, but is started to go downhill quickly. It really started with the gun in the bag thing, like Dolphi had said, there was no need for it. In fact, he was dead on about the buildup as well, give us something to feel as we are getting to the climax. Everything that you see in your head when you are writing, put it on the paper. You can always edit out the purple prose that don't work or the three paragraphs about the dripping faucet. But if you don't put down all the needed information, then it is likely you will miss something that would be important to the story.

Clean up this story and there is a good possible it could be really good, just please change the ending. You can do better then ending with a blood bath, I know you can.