Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25569708-20150628044653/@comment-25980905-20150701002443

First Paragraph

'...didn't have cable': add comma.

Second Paragraph

'... I had really had...': remove first 'had'.

'... it seemed pretty close.': '...it was pretty close.'

Fourth Paragraph

'INFO NOT AVALIABLE': 'INFO NOT AVAILABLE'.

The bracketed text at the end should be before you close the sentence (before the full stop, as shown in this sentence).

Seventh Paragraph

'And why no intro?': sound a bit like a meme line, may I suggest 'And why was there no intro?'/'And where was the intro?'.

Eighth Paragraph

'I never saw one car parked around the neighborhood.': awkward phrasing.

'Where the hell were they anyway?': you may need to elaborate more; the protagonist didn't recognise this place? Isn't the station meant to be local? Raises the question of what is going on. Also, because this question is asked between two sentences that should be interlinked, it creates a cut in the flow between the sentence before and after this one.

Line Two

"NOTMADATYOUNOTMADATYOUYOU": is there meant to be two 'YOU's at the end there?

Tenth Paragraph

'The cop in the car apparently did not react at all.': 'The cop didn't react at all'. 'Apparently' isn't necessary.

Eleventh Paragraph

'...probably 10 minutes.': awkward phrasing, may I suggest replacing 'probably' with 'about' or 'approximately'.

Second Last Paragraph

'... life went began to go on normally again.': awkward phrasing, suggestion: 'life began to go back to normal.' or some variant.

Overall

The story has improved a lot. The plot is a lot more smooth and everything appears to flow well; not perfectly, but well (then again, it's impossible to be perfect). After re-reading it so many times, it still hasn't gotten boring; so that is a good thing on your part. Good work.