Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26191756-20150311034549/@comment-25148755-20150311035929

Ok. First off, I typically try to avoid telling stories in the second person (using you, yours). The reason for this is you have to make things very bland or use experiences virtually everyone can relate to or else people wont be able to be fully immersed in the story.

That's pretty much what happened here. I was going along fine for the first paragraph because I can relate to imagining what I was going to be when I grew up. You lost me when you started talking about the news report. Then when you go into how the murder victim was a woman that turned down your advances, you've now discounted any straight females or gay men that are reading this...it's not something that would have happened to them."

So getting away from the specific mechanics you used, the story itself is...bland. Narrator finding out that they are the serial killer, been done to death. Catch way of killing (leaving hearts), that's been done to death too. This isn't even the first (or second) story I've seen where the killer leaves hearts carved onto their victim.

You have some spelling and grammatical errors throughout, but nothing too horrible.

Bottom line, I'd consider rewriting this in either the first or third person. Then I'd probably revamp the killer a bit, because as it is he is just super generic.

Anyways, hope this helps somewhat...apologize if I came off too harsh.