Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160707162915/@comment-27838637-20160709151930

Alrighty then. Let me just point a few mechanical errors out then I'll get to the story.

Below is a transcrip -- Should be transcript

and I know you and Mum got on so well I thought I’d -- Should be Mum got on, so well or Mum got on so well; I thought I'd -- (sentence doesn't seem to flow properly)

true name of The Shimmering tree -- Should be Tree (Tree as a title)

possesses other skills, but a request must -- I'd add a semicolon between skills and but -- other skills ; but a request

imposed upon reality, twisting biological material -- Should have a semicolon between reality and twisting

and a stock broker in 2003 -- This makes no sense as the letter was dated 1969, meaning that the 2003 account cannot possibly be recorded. I could be missing something here?

Now time to discuss the story.

I liked it, and I don't like ritual pasta's. You have effectively described the Tree as a living, breathing, functioning organism - not many stories can do that. The ritual also seems plausible, as opposed to many others I have read. That can be commended to the realistic way in which you have written the story.

I didn't find the story scary or creepy (except for what the poor host has to suffer), but that is only a matter of opinion, and it has no impact on the quality of writing. I was intrigued the whole way through, and I only wish you had written more in relation to the tree.

As for the ending; I'm happy with the way it is. I don't think it's neccesary to have a diagolgue between the brother and sister, as that would detract from the main star of the story (the Tree). Also, the ending would not be as thought provoking if you spoonfed us that information instead of leaving us to work it out ourselves.

Sarah's message is just fine, in my opinion. But I found the first paragraph of the letter a bit disengaging. I think it could be a little more concise, as I don't find that the final two sentences are relevant at all to the story. I could be missing something here, but it's just my opinion.

All in all; perhaps my favorite Ritual Pasta. You might need to stop submitting so many stories or I might be inclined to nominate you for PotM again!

A_O.