Never Become a Hacker

Notice to all readers:

This pasta has been edited by request of some confidential government agencies. If you see some censored things in some places of the pasta, this means I have edited out some parts because those agencies threatened to sue me if I did not remove them. However, the government has allowed me to release declassified information that is allowed to be seen by the public. Read this pasta, and become aware of the truth about some stuff going on that nobody has ever seen before.

Government disclaimer:

The Government has determined this story to be false. No video tape ever existed of an experiment gone wrong. It appears that Stalch needs to visit a mental facility.

Pasta ripped from an official looking blog in 2011 and posted here on August 29, 2013:

Hello everybody,

I am just a 26-year old poor man living in a bad area of [censored]. My name (under witness protection) is Hermie Stalch. My internet name was [censored]. The internet was an important part of my life as a teen, and one day in 2006, I joined the infamous group Anonymous. When I was in my early-20s, sometime in 2009-2012, I joined Anonymous in finding the animal abuser Kenny Glenn when he posted his Dusty abuse video to YouTube. I was the one that found out the bastard's name.

However, this has nothing to do with my story. I also had another hacking buddy in Anonymous, with the most awesome username ever. My buddy's awesome name was "[censored]". He gave me a challenge long before I joined Anonymous on the night of September 12, 1996. My hacking buddy was actually my older brother, [censored]. [censored] gave me the challenge and promised that if I passed the challenge, he would take me to Canobie Lake Park next summer. I was like, "Hell yeah!" We high-fived each other, and I got to work on my challenge.

Onto the challenge. My brother told me that if I could hack the Office of [censored] New England Division's website, and leaked five videos people have never seen uncensored before, then he would take me to the place.

So I went onto my brand-new computer with some illegal software used to break into encrypted websites and decrypt sensitive information. I immediately went to their website at http://www.[censored]office.gov/newengland/. I fired up the program that was made by my buddy [censored] called "[censored]". Boy was that a badass program. In thirty seconds, the damn thing broke through the firewall and took me to a folder of 500,000 videos that the public has never seen before. Some of the videos involved experiments involving [censored], people from the [censored] Agency torturing little children, and even some guys finding [censored] near a cornfield. But then there was one video that particuarly caught my eye.

God damn it, if I had just exited the browser, I wouldn't be in this deep pile of shit. But anyway, this particular video was called "Classified Footage #37J! To be viewed by high level officials only!" It was a 1 hour long MPEG-2 file that was over 5 GB. I only had 4 GB on my hard drive remaining. In order to be able to get the file, I had to delete some of my favorite movies from my drive, and found later that I now had 5.1 GB. So I clicked the video and it started downloading straight away. I had to go to bed after that, and I had school the next day on Friday.

The next day, when I came home from school, I had to study for a big biology test as I had just entered high school and our teacher, Mrs. [censored] wanted to make sure all of us remembered some important stuff on Biology and crap like that. At about 6 PM, I finished studying the last few notes and went back to my computer. It turns out that that download had finished about 25 minutes after it started. Sheesh, that's pretty fast for 5.07 GB.

Anyway, I immediately pulled that MPEG-2 into Windows Media Player and it began. The timestamp on the analog VHS-C camcorder said it was filmed on March 17, 1992 at 5:22 PM.

The video began with some weird scientist looking dude, whom we later learn to be Thomas [censored]. He was entering his household telling the camera that it was his daughter's birthday, and we were gonna get to see her opening her presents. "Yipee," I silently, sarcastically muttered to myself. So then we see the whole [censored] family singing to that little 6-year old girl Happy Birthday. Then for about 15 minutes, I just sat there trying to fall asleep as this girl was opening Barbie dolls, little kid games, and a brand new SNES. So then the camera suddenly jolts and we see this man's face. He whispers into the camera, "Man, fuck this shit. Let's go downstairs and look at something more interesting than this." As Tom walks downstairs into the basement with a sign on the door saying "Do Not Enter: Daddy's Smoking Place. Don't Even Think About Coming Here, Honey!", we hear stuff like "Daddy, don't you wanna see me opening my next gift?" and "Honey, don't you want a slice of cake?" and even one instance of "Why the hell do you always go down there when you're supposed to be with your goddamn family!?"

As the door slams behind Tom, he then says "Alright, I'm gonna show you my new experiment for my boss at the [censored] Office!" By the time this happened, it was already 5:39 PM on the tape. We then hear some muted audio with a shaky image, obviously because the tape must have been wrecked when it was VHS Ripped. When the video gets stable, we see Tom pulling a switch in his weird looking basement, and then we see a chamber open with this horrible looking mutated creature coming out of it. "Behold! Experiment 37J!" 37J? What the? It's the name of the freaking video, why would that have to do with the creature? So anyway, we see the scientist treating this thing like a dog, giving it a bone, feeding it dog food, and petting it. Then, all of a sudden, Tom says "Why the hell am I treating this thing like a real dog? It looks like shit!" Tom then beats the creature until it is bawling with tears. Tom grabs a knife and cuts its back open until you could see guts pouring out. Remember, this video was uncut and uncensored, so I saw all the gore. I wanted to throw up. By the time I had threw up all my dinner into the sink, the tape had now said it was 6:10 PM. Tom had beaten the thing for over 25 minutes, calling it things like "retard", "emo", "excuse for matter" and all sorts of horrible things.

Then, Tom goes back upstairs, and now we see the family eating cake. It appears the [censored] family had never heard any of the racket, it's like the basement had sound proof walls or something. Anyway, Tom puts the camera down and we see the family eating cake and the birthday girl talking about herself really wanting to get her ears pierced at the mall. Bo-ring! But, at 6:20, two minutes before the tape was gonna end, we hear a slam, and we see the now-mutilated creature coming out of the basement, screaming something in some alien language, but Tom appeared to know this language as he spoke it fluently to this creature. But, it didn't calm the creature down. The creature fights with Tom for 20 seconds to grab a knife as the family tries to run out the door. By 6:21 PM, with one minute left on the MPEG-2, the whole family except Tom had left. We see Tom passing out on the floor, followed by the creature grabbing the butcher knife, yelling something in the alien language, which sounds like Japanese, saying something that was close to, "Ima, watashitachi wa dare ga mondai no iiwakeda sanshō shite kudasai yo!" I knew Japanese because of the classes I took for free time on the internet, and knew that he was yelling "Now, we'll see who's the excuse for matter!" The creature stabs Tom in the heart, rips his guts out, throws his heart across the kitchen into the dining room, and drinks some of his blood. My god, it was so awful! About 30 seconds after the timestamp had become 6:22 PM, the creature walked up to the VHS-C camera on the hutch, and threw the human heart right at the camera. It fell off the hutch, and went to static. I assume the camera broke at this point.

I was terrified, and I deleted the file from my system immediately and emptied the Recycle Bin. I told my brother [censored] about what I had seen, and he didn't believe me. Since I deleted the file, I had no proof to show him. I called the [censored] Office's telephone number, and explained to them what I saw. They said "Oh shit. John was supposed to delete that file from the databases." They immediately hung up on me, and two weeks later, an FBI vehicle was at my home to take me into custody. They took me, processed me through Witness Protection, and told me never to find or describe that video again.

They then dropped me off at a foster home in [censored], which is where I live today. And the moral of this story is to never try to hack into a government website, because they have reasons why these videos are never shown to the public. And pretty much, that's all that I have to tell ya'. Have a good day, y'all! ;)