Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25497711-20141004070051/@comment-24821182-20141005113205

Having the sentences split up in this awkward fashion interrupts reading. In poetry, doing this serves an actual purpose: creating a rhythm and making the reader stop to digest each line. In prose it just makes the experience trite, though. You should really fix it.

You confuse "it's" with "its" a number of times. Remember that "its" shows possession, and "it's" means "it is". You also spell some words incorrectly ("detached", for example).

The story itself is nothing spectacular, but hardly anything in the "It was all just a dream, right?"-genre ever is. If you fix the issues with grammar and fractured sentences, you could try submitting it, but it still might not meet quality standards.