Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170613042153/@comment-24101790-20170613134642

Once again, I'm going to suggest you look over previous reviews as you seem to be repeating a number of issues. I would suggest carefully re-reading your story and looking for other errors as this is not a comprehensive list of issues.

Punctuation: Punctuation missing before dialogue. "She will approach you slowly and ask in a raspy voice(,/:) “Do you wish to take the forgotten test?”", "You must then respond with(,/:) “I wish to test my forgotten smarts.”" Feel free to look over some of the stories posted here or to read some novels at home to get an understanding for how punctuation works in regard to dialogue.

Wording: "Don’t engage in convention with anyone or they will try to steal your soul." (Convention feels awkward here. I think you were looking for the word 'conversation'.) "A female teacher will then appear to teleport out of thin air." ('appear to teleport out of thin air.' feels redundant as teleport implies instant transportation and out of thin air re-states the suddenness of the teleportation.), "You will know everything to everything." (This feels awkward and isn't very descriptive.), etc.

Story issues: Once again, description is vital to making these stories effective. Lines like: "While you’re heading there you will see some depressed sprits being forced to take tests in the side classrooms." and "She will then laugh evilly and give you a test paper." could use some re-tooling. Describe the suffering the ghostly students are experiencing, really drive home why the audience should avoid this fate. What about her laugh makes it sound evil? This is like describing something as sounding demonic, it's not a very good descriptor as there are different ways to view the word. Is it a low-pitched laugh like the sound of thunder rolling off in the distance? Is it high-pitched and grating like nails scraping on a chalkboard?

Story issues cont.: I would also take your time and try to build up the environment some more. "The school will appear to be open, even though it’s around midnight." and "A female teacher will then appear to teleport out of thin air." Describe what makes the school appear open. Paint a picture for the audience. Are there lights on, are there silhouettes, etc. What does the teacher look like? You already describe her as having an evil sounding laugh and a raspy voice, but not much beyond that. Remember, you are trying to engage the audience and pull them into the story. If they can picture the scene, it makes your job that much easier.