Talk:Break In/@comment-25326117-20150820022716

1): From what they heard from the police, everyone in the household died there. But the neighbors weren't so sure for they would constantly see the girl sneaking around. What's true is that the authorities have already buried the bodies.

(From what they heard from the police; everyone in the household were dead, but the neighbors weren't so sure for they would constantly see the girl sneaking around.  Nobody knows for sure, but what is true is that the authorities had already buried the bodies).

2): "Hurry up, Johan! We'll be caught because of you!" Mary whispered as Mira turned to look for passersby.

("Hurry up, Johan!  We'll be caught, because of you!" Mary whispered as Mira turned to look for the passerby).

3):  "We're all clear. Just keep quiet and don't make a ruckus," Mira reassured them.

("We're all clear!  Just keep quiet and don't make a ruckus," Mira reassured them).

4):  They sneaked along the fences to prevent being seen by the people in the neighborhood. Natalie and Nathaniel stalked further behind. Johan sensed their mood and knew that they had a really bad feeling about what they were gonna do.

(They sneaked along the fences to prevent from being seen by the people in the neighborhood.  Natalie and Nathaniel stalked further behind while Johan sensed their mood and she knew that they had a really bad feeling about what they were going to do).

5):  The "Nat Twins" were always jumpy, in a sort of good way. They could easily sense things wrong with the atmosphere. They also claim to be able to see ghosts. Johan is considered as the closest to being a mind reader. He can easily sense if someone is lying. He can also tell what they are thinking about. It wouldn't be wise to keep secrets from him because he already knows. Mira and Mary are masters at stealth. They could easily steal something without being caught, even if the person is holding it. Their younger sister Mae is known for listening to rumors, she seems to be sensitive to sounds. She was the reason they knew about the house. Jacob, Justin and Joshua are like professional detectives. Their observation skills could rival Natalie and Nathaniel's senses.

(First, the "Nat Twins" were always jumpy, but in a sort of a good way.  They could easily sense things amiss within the atmosphere, and the "Nat Twins" claimed to be able to see ghosts.  Second, Johan was considered a mind reader, he can easily sense if someone was lying and he could also tell what someone was thinking.  It wasn't wise to keep secrets from Johan, because he would always know the truth.  Third, there was Mira and Mary, they were masters of stealth.  Both girls could easily steal something and never be caught, even if one of them was holding it.  Fourth, Mira and Mary had a younger sister named Mae, who was known for listening to rumors, and she seemed to be most sensitive to sounds.  She was the source of information for the house.  Finally, there were Justin, Jacob, and Joshua, they were like professional detectives and their observation skills could rival the senses of Natalie and Nathaniel.

6):  They stood in front of the house. It looked small compared to the others but was really dirty. The rusty doorknob looked straight-up wrong. It was flipped to lock the people inside. They went inside and instantly gagged at the smell. The place smelled like a huge pile of rotten rat corpses. They decided to have a quick look around.

(The group of kids stood in front of the house, which looked small compared to other houses with being dirty and a rusty doorknob that just looked straight-up wrong.  It was flipped to lock people inside, the group of kids weent inside and instantly gagged at the awful stench.  The place smelled like a huge pile of rotten rat corpses, and the kids decided to have a quick look around).

7):  Dried blood was splattered all over the place. The only decoration not covered in blood was this huge family portrait in the living room. The parents proudly held four children near them. There were three girls and one boy. They saw a smaller version on the ground. Everyone in the picture was crossed out with blood, except the youngest girl.

(The kids found dried blood that was splattered everywhere, the only decoration excluded was this huge family portrait in the living room, with the parents proudly holding four children near them: there were three girls and one boy.  The kids saw a smaller version of the same portrait on the ground, everyone in that picture was crossed out with blood, except the yougest girl).

8):  They soon found a doll dressed like the youngest girl. Beside it was a player and some tapes. As the records played, the atmosphere slowly became darker. The voice of a little girl describing her first few days as a seven-year-old was downright creepy. She talked about a game of hide-and-seek that she and her family played with some stranger who just came in. She said that there was somehow tomato paste spilled all over the place because of the trouble they had all been making. The "happy" messages went for about six tapes. If they hadn't seen what has happened in this place, they would have regarded the girl's recordings as very cute and innocent. The last one proved that wrong.

(The kids soon found a doll dressed like the youngest girl from the portrait, and beside it was a VCR player and some tapes.  As the records played, the atmosphere of the house slowly became darker.  The voice of a little girl describing her first few days as a seven-year-old in the video was just downright creepy.  The girl in the records talked about a game of hide-and-seek that she and her family played with some stranger who had just came in.  She said that there was somehow tomato paste spilled all over the place, because of the trouble the girl's family had making it.  The "happy" messages went on for about six tapes.  If the kids hadn't seen what had happened in this place, they would have regarded the girl's recordings as very cute and very innocent, but either way, the last one proved that wrong).

9):  They heard the girl in a somewhat nervous laughing fit, sobbing at the same time. She told them how she sugar-coated what had truly happened. All this time, she was trying to describe how she managed to get through the massacre. She even admitted that she thinks that she may have gone insane. Who wouldn't?

(The kids heard the girl have a somewhat nervous laughing fit and sobbing at the same time.  She told the kids viewing the tapes how she had sugar-coated what had truly happened.  All this time, she was trying to describe how she managed to get through this massacre, she even admitted that she went insane.  Who wouldn't in that situation?)

10):  They heard a faint gasp behind them. There stood the older children from the portrait. They looked very much alive except for they were practically see-through.

"What are you doing here?" They asked. Their voices bounced off the walls as they stared forward with blank eyes. The group of teenagers just stood there quietly.

(The kids viewing the tapes heard a faint gasp from behind them, and there stood the other three children from the portrait.  They all looked very much alive, except ffor they were practically transparent.  "What are you doing here?" the ghost children asked in unison.  Their voices bounced off all the walls as they looked forward at the group of shocked teenagers with blank expressions).

11):  "We asked you a question! Answer it!!!" They demanded. Light flashed around them as they changed form. They had their respective bruises, cuts, wounds, and splotches of blood. The teenagers made a run for their lives.

("We asked you a question!  Answer it!" the phantom trio of kids demanded.  Lights flashed around them as they changed form, the phantom kids had their respective bruises, cuts, wounds, and splotches of the blood; which set the teenagers on a run for their dear lives).

12):  As soon as they thought they were far enough, they tried to catch their breath. Mae and the Nat twins suddenly tensed up, looking for something, something that made a sound. They turned around to see the youngest girl running up to them and then bump into Joshua. She squeaked in fear as she ran behind them. They heard crying and saw the girl hugging the parents in the picture. The ghosts from earlier came up beside them, glaring icy daggers into the teenagers' souls.

(As soon as the group of kids thought they were far enough from the phantom children; they tried to catch their breath.  Mae and the "Nat Twins" suddenly tensed up, looking for something that had made a sound.  The teenagers turned around to see the youngest girl from the tapes and the family portrait run up to them and then bump into Joshua.  She squeaked in fear as she ran behind them and into the portrait.  The teenagers heard sobbing and saw the girl hugging the parents in the portrait, the ghosts from earlier came up beside them; the phantom children glared icy daggers into the teenagers' souls).

13):  "You! You hurt her! She has gone through enough already! Why won't you just leave us alone?!" Their forms began to become darker. Natalie and Nathaniel saw an aura of death surround the family.

("You! You hurt her! She has gone through enough already! Why won't you just leave us alone?" Their forms began to darken, Natalie and Nathaniel saw an aura of death surround the family in the portrait).

(Were Nathaniel and Natalie the only ones looking at the portrait?)

14):  "The girl," Jacob started. We turned to look at him in confusion.

("The girl," Jacob started, as the group of teenagers turned to look at him in bewilderment).

15):  That crossed the line. The ghosts immediately sped towards the triplets, and they were dead in an instant. As they tried to comfort the girl, the remaining teenagers ran as fast as they could. Johan ran the fastest and was the first to take off. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as he heard his friends' screams from behind. He ran until he collapsed. Everything that happened after was a blur. What he could remember clearly was the last thing he saw. A girl who looked like the young girl, only she aged and wasn't dead.

(That had crossed the line.  The little girl and her parents immediately sped out of the portrait and towards the transparent triplets, and they were dead in an instant.  As they tried to comfort their daughter, the teeangers fled from the house.  Johan had ran the fastest and he was the first to flee.  Everything that happened to them became a blur.  What Johan could remember clearly for the last time was the girl, aged and not dead).

16):  It was high time I slept as well. But I had a job to do. I hauled the body over my shoulder and carried him to our backyard. I threw it on the pile with his friends.

(It was high time that I finally slept, but I had a job to do.  I hauled one of the teenager's bodies over my shoulder and I carried him out to our backyard where I threw him on top of his friends).

17):  'Teenagers. I don't get them. Sneaking into abandoned places known to be haunted. If something is said to be haunted, stay away from it. The ghosts that haunt those places won't ever be happy because of you. Ghosts such as my family.'  I thought as I watched the small flame dance on the lighter. I whispered my apologies to the corpses and threw the lighter, which landed on the eldest boy's head.

'These guys would be the perfect examples of what happens to kids that sneak into haunted places...' 

("Teenagers, I don't get them!  Why do they sneak into places where they aren't wanted?  If something is said to be haunted: stay away from it!  The ghosts that haunt those places don't want you, because you're preventing their rest and happiness.  Take mmy family and me for instance," I thought as I watched the small flame dance on a lighter and I whispered my apologies to the dead teenagers.  The lighter landed on the last hauled out teenage boy's head and they were all lit aflame).

To the author, the story was confusing. It was confusing how you kept calling the teenagers: Johan, Justin, Joshua, Jacob, Mae, Natalie, Nathaniel, Mary and Mira as kids. They was also the three kids portrait and I couldn't tell who you were referring to when you used "kids." I couldn't figure exactly who was acting, the little girl and her parents or her three other siblings. Wasn't there four kids?