Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25132122-20140715023436/@comment-25558572-20140715024712

1. You do have some technical errors. The word "past" in the third paragraph should be "passed", and "I immediately run" should be "ran". Also, you left a few "I's" uncaptialized. Type this up in Microsoft word so you can easily spot your errors. The vocabulary, however, is decent.

2. This story is much too long. The premise is simple, and admittedly, has good potential. A man spots someone at his window that won't go away; you can do a lot of things with that, such as him being some sort of alien, or shapeshifter, or perhaps a spy for a few possibilities. So you need to cut out the details that neither advance nor enhance the story; we don't need to know everything the protagonist did, just his important actions like calling 911 and shooting the figure.

3. The ending is unsatisfying because it felt very unlikely. If your protagonist was killed at the end, then please, make this narrated in third person. Otherwise it won't make sense.

This needs revision, but it does have good potential. You need to rewrite it in the third-person perspective and take out the uneeded details, but it's more interesting than most things I review. If you need any more help, try the Writing Advice blogs on this wiki for some advice.