Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36013915-20180629060821/@comment-35711173-20180629083256

EJ Magalad,

I am glad to see that you took my advice to post it here first.

Your story is a lot better than most "first stories" I see. It does need a lot of work. That's part of being a writer. You will have to go through many drafts.

You have a LOT of grammatical errors. If you are still in school, try making this a project with your English teacher. I also strongly recommend going to www.grammarly.com and using it to clean up the basic errors. I will then upload the story one paragraph at a time and often one sentence at a time to find precisely where the "Premium" or "$$$$$$$$$$" errors are. With some work you can get the same improvement as the expensive Premium checks but for free - and with the added advantage of seeing your story one line at a time. I do my best editing this way.

The idea of the shirt coming back into the person's life later is good. May I suggest that the shirt gets bagged up when your character is taken to the hospital for seizures and they don't find the bag until years later.

Let me give you one piece of general advice: If a word or a phrase or a sentence or even a whole paragraph doesn't move the story forward then edit it out. Be merciless with your editing.

Keep working at it. I look forward to your next draft.

DrBobSmith (talk) 08:32, June 29, 2018 (UTC)