Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180621195836/@comment-9041013-20180628100951

TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: I'm conflicted on this one.

On one hand, I love the narrative of the story. There are several elements to it that all relate to the common root. At several points while reading, I found myself quite impressed by the descriptions of the events portrayed. It's the kind of story I can really get behind, and even the ending left me feeling satisfied. I thought the fact that it was brief was perfectly acceptable, and the results of the 'nightmare' weren't overblown: They were acceptably believable.

On the other hand, I ran into a problem that I run into almost every time I read something on the workshop. I always, ALWAYS, want to take the story, in its entirety, and type my own draft, touched up with the descriptions I wasn't as satified with, and corrected for any grammatical abnormalities I can find. This is not to say I want to rewrite the story. I don't. But part of me really wants to run it through an edit; to write a second (or in this case, third) draft.

Like I said, there was a LOT I liked about this story. It's a miniature war novel, and has an overtone of something much more sinister, and I love that. There are some places where the grammar needs touched up, there could be more description (in my opinion), and the flow of the narrative could be improved. However, overall, I found the story very enjoyable, and the idea that a warlord god that we haven't yet learned of could one day lead a plague riddled 'immortal' army against us is sufficiently ominous from my point of view.

The only major question I'm left with is why the narrator had the nightmare to begin with. What was his connection to that battle, real or fictional? Why is he having the dream, and why is it happening now? If these questions are answered, then I think the story will be better off for it.

Beyond that, a fairly basic edit to clean up grammar, spelling, etc., as well as to punch up some of the more lacking descriptions, is really all that I think is needed. Solid work, my dude.

Edit: I might be missing the significance of the title. What are they the exception to? If you can elaborate, just so I understand, it's be much appreciated. Thanks. Why thank you.

The nightmare, if it's taken as nothing else but a nightmare came about due to him listening to Mongolian music, I did not specify that Altan Urag are a mongolian band, but I did make sure to mention they are "oriental". Me being me, I thought people might look it up, I avoided stating "this is a mongol music" because it felt like it would be forced and unrelated to the plot.

As for the title, The Tartars or Mongols were an exception to all the "rules" that made up historic empires. They've been a black ship in every category. Also, the whole "immortal army" schtik - that is based on real life observations made by people who faced the mongols. It's not like they were really immortal but to a person who is used to seeing an arrow to the chest incapacitate or kill another human, seeing the mongols who work silk under their armor (thus better equipment) not knowing what purpose it served, not fall from a single arrow shot. That felt like facing inhuman beings.

Can you point out some of the more technical issues you've found throughout my story?