Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26567235-20150702231659/@comment-25230922-20150703063701

Bad formatting. Please correct.

For starters, the story needs more focus on build-up. You begin the story and it's a sudden jump right into things. That doesn't read well. It just serves to throw the reader off track and say "What the fuck is going on?"

There's also quite a bit of awkward phrasing. Read the story aloud to yourself and see if you pick up something that you can't easily just glide over.

Whereas you've got some good imagery, it seems unfocused and scattered. You describe the puppet in one paragraph and two paragraphs you... describe the rest of the wooden puppet. Yeah.

The dialogue seems fairly flat and a little unemotional. Perhaps some character reaction would be nice. A little imagery about the characters as they currently. Action is important too, not just the conversation.

The whole "being out to destroy civilization for the greater good" thing has been used time and time again. I'm not saying don't use it; but put something in there other than just that. Also, more backstory on the puppet and mask would be nice as well.

This is pretty much just from briefly skimming through it. I'd review further into it, but the formatting and indenting caught me off guard and made it a bit harder to read. Probably doesn't help that it's 1:30 in the morning, but yeah.