Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170221115929/@comment-24101790-20170221191432

"They set out the fire, leaving my house in fourths and smoldering." Do you mean 'put out the fire'? Set out doesn't really fit and I wouldn't describe the house as being left in fourths as it feels like that needs a lot more explanation. How did the fire divide the house into fourths? ETC.

"The next few weeks were hard. Living at friends houses, searching for the right place." 'friends houses' should be 'friends' houses' as it's possessive and plural.

"Bad myth. Boy went missing there a while back." Using the word myth doesn't really fit here. Do you mean history? A myth is a traditional story, especially one concerning the early history of a people or explaining some natural or social phenomenon, and typically involving supernatural beings or events.

I would really refrain from writing out actions with one or two words as opposed to describing them. "“That’s what you said when I married.” *Laughter*" / "“*Sigh*. Oh wait! We have that well in that back!”" / "“*Sigh* Alright then.”" / ETC. If this were a transcript, it might make more sense, but here it just takes away from a descriptive element to the story.

"We walked out and did see it." is an awkwardly worded line.

"“What was that boy who went missing(')s name?”" You forgot to use an apostrophe on the possessive word.

"“Bob, are you ok.(?)”" Questions need to have question marks.

"Not to my surprise, they didn’t care, and the day continued on." Double negative. Additionally it is a bit awkward to read. This needs to be re-written.

"“In 46’ I mean.”" You tend to do this a lot. If you're abbreviating a year, the apostrophe goes where the letters/numbers were removed, 46' should be '46 as you're removing the 19 from 1946 or whichever year it is.

"His hissed, and ran towards me." He.

"‘How deep is it? One day I will know.’ I thought I moved on, and didn’t think or hear of the well for another few months." This line doesn't seem like he's moving on in any way. Saying, 'one day I will know' implies that he's going to investigate this further and isn't really moving on in any way.

"We dropped the bucket in, waiting for a clang or splash. Nothing happened. After a while I said." If you're continuing dialogue on another line, you should use a colon.

"This rope(')s 30 - 40 yards long." You are using a contraction for 'rope is'. Contractions need apostrophes.

"It didn’t look like a clean cut or a slow rug burn" I'm not sure what you're meaning to say here. Rug burn really doesn't fit contextually in the sentence when talking about cuts. Additionally what would a rug burn cut look like?

"“What the fuck? Dammit Jim I’m going down there, I need to see what the hell is going on.”"

"I paused(punctuation missing)"

"I swear to god (God) it’s not mine, I think my mind(')s playing tricks on me.”"

“Same old story, maybe drunk driving or something. Doesn’t seem to (too) serious.”

“52 (Fifty-two) hours, we’ll find them.” Avoid starting sentences with numbers unless you're writing out the word as sentences should start with proper capitalization.

"And you, your Bob Rider’s wife?”" You're=you are, your=possession.

“Alright. Why would the Jim guy lie about doing yard work though? Seemed like the wife wouldn’t of (have) cared.” This is filed under the 'would have'/'could have' rule. It's the former and not 'would of/could of'.

Story issues cont.: I feel like you need to elaborate more here. This line for example: "“I think I’m 10 feet down, the sun’s not shining down here. I gotta turn on the flashlight.”" At ten feet, the protagonist should still be able to see his friend. Also, this would be a good opportunity to describe the deeper parts of the well. Remember it's around 8:30 in the morning and the sun is out.

Story issues cont.: "I waited for an hour, but he never came. I’m feeling a mishmash (mishmash?) of guilt and fear, and writing this now because it has got to me. I don’t know what the hell is down there, but I can’t just sit around. Today I go down the well, and probably will never come back." This feels really rushed. In the span of a single paragraph, his friend goes missing, he sits down and writes this narrative, and he goes into the well (implied). It really glosses over a lot of events that need more time spent on them. It also raises some questions. If he wrote all this down, why didn't he tell his wife? Why isn't he trying to get outside help? If he assumes he's not coming back from this, why wouldn't he try to get help or try to defend himself.

Character issues: Who exactly decides to go into a well after seeing something like this: "It didn’t look like a clean cut or a slow rug burn, it looked like someone or something bit it and thrashed it around until it snapped." / “What the fuck? Dammit Jim I’m going down there, I need to see what the hell is going on.” How exactly is Bob going down the well? If he's tied, couldn't Jim try pulling him up? Why would he decide to try and scale down the well with no harness especially when the rope length indicates the well is at least 90-120 feet deep? It feels like a portion of the story is missing where the characters leave for the day, but are somehow drawn back to the well as the reaction of 'something tore this rope to hell, I better check it out' feels like the epitome of bad decision making.

Story issues cont.: The conclusion. "“So what? The house just ate them?” / “I dunno officer, I dunno.”" feels like a real reach. They're trying to solve the mystery of the man's disappearance and they're coming up with explanations like: drinking and driving and other possibilities. Why instantly jump to the conclusion that something is wrong with the house and it's swallowing people.

Conclusion: I agree with Yawning here. The story needs quite a lot of work. You really need to flesh out this idea some to make the characters feel more realistic, make Bob's descent a bit more detailed as it feels a bit lackluster (and since that's the scene where the horror is supposed to be happening, this isn't a good issue to have), and work on the ending some. This reminds me a lot of House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski where it's people investigating a phenomenon, but this is lacking a lot of the build-up that would make this story effective.