Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-26214174-20150507192444/@comment-26248899-20150507215427

Hey dude, I read this one as you requested that I narrate it. In it's current form I won't narrate the story. But, I've listed the reasons and criticisms below to help you get it on the right track.

1.  Freddy's descent into madness is incredibly abrupt. In the span of what feels like seconds he goes from a kid udnergoing a tragic accident to a serial killer. If he had been recovered, sent to the hospotal, had some failed plastic surgery, and then went crazy from all the stress and trauma, then it would be more believeable that he went crazy after all that. You could throw some supernatural condition that made him go crazy as well, but it just happens too quick.

2. The killings are creepy, but they also happen without any remorse. This isn't a bad thing per se, but they read as a sort of slasher fiction. You could add some reason as to why he's murdering his family, otherwise it just feels like gore for the sake of gore. Why is he killing? What is driving him?

3. You might consider changing the chronology of the story. I won't tell you how to write it, but here's an example. Start with the murders:  Freddy has snuck into the house and is plotting to kill the family. Each encounter he has with a family member triggers a memory Frederick had before he became Freddy (the accident, the hospital, the therapy, the madness, etc.), by the end of the story he comes to his room to kill Frederick in his bedroom, only to realize that it was him all along, or he sees something with Frederick's name on it. Again, you don't have to do what I just described, but they way the story is written now isn't all that creepy, mostly because the transofrmation is instant and then the killings follow for no believeable reason.

I encourage you to take a another stab (pun intended) at this story. Maybe repost it under a different name as well so there aren't any potential spoilers. Let me know if you rework it significantly and I'll give it a nother read. Best of luck!