Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24150179-20150608225639/@comment-26007602-20150612062644

Here are some grammar and wording issues I noticed:

First, don't double space your lines, nor use all bold for the final paragraph. The default formatting on the wiki (In source mode) should work fine.

"Since the whole idea was about saving the earth so that we could live longer, saving individuals is not as important as the earth." There's a tense issue here. Should be: "Since the whole idea was about saving the earth so that we could live longer, saving individuals was not as saving important as the earth." I added the "saving" so the sentence would flow a bit better.

"Next comes these things they used called Greens. The best place to find the materials is right here in this jungle." More tense issues; I assume these are supposed to be in the past tense. "Next came these things they called Greens. The best place to find the materials was right here in the jungle."

"Well what if everyone thought that way(?)"

"The amount of harm we have done to the earth has caused a reversal." I don't understand this sentence. I think it should be: "The amount of harm we have done to the earth is irreversible."

The final paragraph has multiple tense issues; you should look over and try to find them. Additionally, I feel the sentences used in this story are far too basic. Many are very short statements that could be combined to create a better flow and add more sentence variety. For example: " If it can’t get rid of the disease directly, it must get rid of the cause. The humans are the cause." Could be: "If it can’t get rid of the disease directly, it must get rid of the cause: humans." Small stuff like that would go a long way in breaking up the monotonous flow.

Let's talk story.

First off, this isn't too creepy. It reads more like a cautionary tale and is downright preachy at the very end. I'd expand more on these "Greens"; they seem to have the most creepiness potential. The idea is very nice, but needs to be expanded on further; tell us what led up to these Greens, how they were used, what they did, what happened to the planet.

"When entering the lab, I am always greeted by a video detailing how the world is what it is today. Since I’ve basically committed it to memory, I close the video and proceed to sit down in my unsurprisingly mossy chair." Why don't you expand on this? What's the video saying? The narrator may know, but us readers don't. Try to give us a bit more setting than "lab in the jungle."

"The inhabitants of this jungle were refusing to give up the seeds and grasses required to forge the Greens. The jungle people were eliminated when their leader showed further resistance" The jungle people...? I'm sorry, what? That just sounds racist. You could at least give them a tribal identity or something. Better yet, you could remove them entirely, as their presence doesn't contribute to the story.

"Greens were supposed to eliminate chunks of green." This doesn't make sense. The Greens are supposed to stop plant growth? Why are these used to "save" the planet?

"We couldn’t overcome this green legion, yet we kept on using the Greens. Who cared if millions of people died? It was to save our earth." Why do these people die? How? Elaborate on that.

"Oh yeah, a little pollution or garbage won’t hurt anybody. That’s what you thought huh?" We've entered preachy territory here. Who is he supposed to be accusing? It doesn't make much sense for him to address the reader.

The narrator's last thoughts on "accepting his fate", are fairly cliché. Too many narrators say stuff like, "I doomed (insert name here), I deserve to die." Or "All I can do now is await my fate." I think you can find a more original way to end this. The final paragraph doesn't really contribute anything to the story. It doesn't add any new information and doesn't need to be there.

Hope this helps!