Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26054278-20150307173939/@comment-26027160-20150308172324

12 in the morning... I envy you.

The story was quite entertaining. A very interesting way of going mad, I must say. It didn't exactly freak me out, but is definetly "creepy". The concept was original to me as well.

Tha grammar is okay, but try to not use two verbs or adverbs after each other. They stop the flow and sound awkward. '' Example: Daruru simply laughed and waved. Can be rephrased as: "Daruru waved his attack off, laughing" or similar.''

Try to use synonyms and not repeat the same word/word combinations (Ex: trying to continue, tried to focus, just smiling and trying... paragraph 1-3). You also tend to repeat words in a sentence (like "the") when it's not needed there.

You also get a bit confusing with the "he's". Look at this sentence: The man had all the same physical features, and the exact same outfit as he was wearing. Due to the comma, you split the "man" and the "he". "He" can now imply both to the man and to the MC. He wore the same outfit as himself? I can't even picture that. "The man had the same physical features and the same outfit as Tom" or simply "The man was completely identical to Tom." is less confusing.

There are some other minor mistakes as well, like this one: Tom’s eyes widened as he looked in shock. One cannot "look in shock". You can be shocked or look at the person. He can "stare in shock", though.

Otherwise, good work. Keep it up!