Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20141227231837/@comment-25769703-20141228031928

Where do I begin with this..

First of all, your introductory line needs work. It starts with ‘You know how’ this is not street language nor does this have anything to do with you knowing what or how. This is not an ideal introductory line. It made me cringe.

Your theme is extremely clichéd ‘Hellish dimension’ oh god not the nether realm.

‘Dark god’ ‘deity missing’ – examples of uninteresting commonly used phrases that are to this day extremely uninteresting and boring.

(So far I am laughing rather than scared, you lack a fear factor even in your build up)

(1988 – how and why is this supposed to be scary, it’s the past how does this link to now? This is the past)

5 paragraphs in – I am falling asleep you are just listing a series of uninteresting events.

(I entered the bus) you use simple phrases that could be changed to make things more exciting.

‘With my stuff’ - … uninterested once again.

‘Walt Disney’ – Parent Trap. Now this is hilarious I can’t get the thought of both Hayley Mills and Lindsay Lohan. –Do not refer to something someone can make a funny pun out of.

‘ELF’ oh no.. a ‘Pixie’ is she a nymph.

‘delicate features--small upturned nose, narrow chin, and really high cheekbones, a shoulder-length mop of frizzy ash-blonde hair topped with a beanie covered entirely with colorful pins and badges. ’ – You just highlighted what you would consider delicate features some may disagree with you on that one.

‘Improve your vocabulary where it is necessary!’

<span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">As I continue to read your long listing I finally get up to the beginning the actual beginning without so much slur of nonsense build up

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">And you begin with “Huh?” – I am laughing too much right now.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Yay! Death to the rich this theme is ripe with cliché as everyone likes a good old rich person killing!

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">After reading an agonisingly unrevised piece. I can give you a good review

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Firstly, consider revising your theme try avoiding classical cliché’s funny references and constant repetitions, bad vocabulary and slow narrative.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Secondly, I found this ‘PASTA’ not scary at all the fear factor is low, extremely low. I did not flinch once, I laughed many times as you portray both the stupidity of young girls. I think that was what you were meant to do, but then again that’s also an annoying cliché in itself, you’re meant to have relatable good characters. Your characters within the Pasta are annoying I have no connection with them nor have I the will to listen to them go on for another 10 minutes. A good Pasta requires a good main and secondary character if not a secondary a good main! This is key and you are missing this!

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Thirdly, you’re extremely slow in getting to the point.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Fourthly you refer to ‘Walt Disney’ ‘haunted Japanese hotel’ ‘Russian mobsters’ ‘rich families’ apart from the way you presented the rich family scenario that was the only good bit.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">‘Bonnie’ – what a name for those who like one piece or more adult themed content etc they would know what Bonnie or who that Bonnie is ‘consider a different name’

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">When I reached your final line ‘down hill from there’ I am crying inside not to cringe because I do not want to read on.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Make me want to read on avoid all of these mistakes first time pasta writers make. It was a good try however it does not have the standards quiet yet

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">2/10 – Pasta

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Punctuation = 1/1

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Scenario =1/3

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Fear Factor = 0/3

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">Reader interest = 0/3

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;line-height:115%;font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";color:#D4D4D5;background:#0E0E0E">This is how it is so far. Go over my points and come back to them this will take some time to fix but then again some spend months trying to perfect their pasta.