User blog comment:CrazyWords/Pastas I Want To Have Reviewed By More People/@comment-25230922-20150420034051

I'm going to start with Dharma. The formatting kinda caught me off guard for a moment, but that doesn't matter. On to the review.

"August Fifth, 2012 8:31 AM

I'm so ready for today. Dad says he'll finally take me to the temple of Dharma. He says Dharma is the thing that makes us do our duties. That he represent the things that make life possible, but what I'm excited about is that Mom will be there. It's been... a long time. Like I-haven't-seen-her-since-I-was-three long time.

My parents split when I was young. I don't feel like explaining it right now, and my Dad is yelling that we have to get going.

Murie signing out."

Here's the first entry. My main problem is that it seems to short. I'm not getting anything out of it; who is Dharma? The person who makes them do their duties? What duties? It would be better if there was some insight on who the character is. Granted, it's a diary, and you aren't going to tell yourself who you are, but still. Elaborate some.

I realize that this is a Hindu mythology thing, but nonetheless.

"9:17 PM

Today was much... different than I expected. Mom showed up, like Dad said she would. I don't know if that was the temple of Dharma, like he said. They sacrificed her. I don't understand why. Dad said it was to keep Dharma there- I mean here.

Mom was there, but we didn't... couldn't talk. I barely recognized her. I sat in the back, so I could barely even see her. The only time I saw her was when she was thrown into the "sacrificial pit", or, as I see it, the hell hole. I... couldn't even cry. I never really knew my Mother anyway.

Murie signing out."

Why are they sacrificing her? Once more, too short, and underdeveloped. I've read through the rest and it's the same way. You literally have nothing but a bare bones story here - it's a good premise, but that's it. There's basically NO PLOT, no real character insight or development, it's fairly literally "We sacrificed someone. I'm scared. Dad read my journal. He's an evil Dharma worshipper."

You need to go far more in depth with this. It's effectively a bad story.

As for Under the Floorboards, the premise is once again, good. For the first half of the story, there isn't much of a problem.

Then we get to the fact that he's trying to call his mother. Problem? He can't because "circumstances". What circumstances?! So, he decides to go to where they found his dad. The issue? If it's on the news, they play it live. Usually, it's accompanied by a newscaster in the field. The police and people in general would still be there, and crossing that yellow tape without permission is a crime.

Another issue is the fact that basements very rarely have hardwood floors. Due to the fact that pipes are down there and it's below ground level, the water would ruin the floors, making placing them down there redundant.

Then we get to the ending. Suddenly, our protagonist is an officer of the law, and his mother is a serial killer. Then the ending quote. It's a case of "That was anti-climactic."

These two stories are fairly under-developed, with very little character development or insight. If they have a plot, it's unstable, and what you've done is basically write down bare bones with no meat, so there isn't much to get at.