User blog:Kyle Meadows/I Want to be a Writer

I'm here for the same reason I imagine a lot of you may be- primarily that I enjoy writing. I've always been fascinated by things that I find terrifying. Reportedly, I used to watch scary movies from behind a couch in the living room. I don't mind things that make me scream, recoil, or squirm. I have a fascination with making myself uncomfortable. I don't just mean in terms of the media I consume, though that is neither here nor there. The more I've lived my life, however, the more I discover that while there are plenty of things that can easily squeeze reactions out of me there are very few things that terrify me.

I will quite honestly claim that a certain event and the context surrounding it has removed most of my fear of death. If anything, I'm more afraid I'll die before I get ten ranks in my social links than death as a concept. What death means, or what lies beyond are not things I don't think about but rather things that I am currently young enough to disregard actively considering. I fret over more imminent existential concerns, and that has led me to my current preoccupation- cosmic horror. That doesn't necessarily mean I'd like to write a book on it, but I'm considering trying.

And therein lies one of my problems. I have tried before, and I don't get far. The farthest I made it was ten chapters into one very rough draft of a project, but it was distinctly more of a cosmic comedy than a cosmic horror. I become discouraged in my projects and dissociate from them, leaving them to rust. A lacking trait in my writing ability would be portraying actual human relationships and real meaningful dialogue because I despise human beings as a general rule and interacting with them is a gigantic pain in the ass. This means that I overhear conversations more than I experience them, but I'm usually busy because I only hear them at work.

I'm not saying that I intend to work on the dialogue here, or that I'm going to magically finish my books. But related to certain events, I judge myself fairly harshly. Perhaps harsher than I should? I can't exactly measure it well on my own, so I really rely on community feedback to know how to improve and if I'm even improving. But plot twist, there is another problem. I'm also nutterbutters, and I don't deal well with people already so developing stable interpersonal relationships is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge pain in my ass. As an extension with that, harsh criticism can get my goat sometimes. This is not maybe a good trait.

That said, I'm going to give this a shot. I look forward to writing with you all!