Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160812170723/@comment-26425680-20160813042120

Very nice touch with "the water cooler incident." It's humorous and it sets the tone for what follows. Overall I'd say this piece is not only creative, but also fun. There are a few things you may want to look at:


 * I'm not a plumber, but in my experience toilets don't have external u-bends. Instead, the traps are molded into the porcelain itself. It's part of the toilet, so no tool is going to allow you to take it apart. If, by chance, a toilet happened to have an external trap, it would be underneath the floor, and accessible only from a space below the floor. Since he can't get the phone out by simply reaching into the bowl, it would make more sense for David to comment that he's going to remove the whole toilet in the hope that he can pull it out from below.


 * After David visits the sub-basement, he says goodbye to Ryan, goes to the elevator, and then immediately hears Ryan sobbing in the bathroom. As it's written, it seems that very little time has passed, yet Ryan has already moved to another place in the building.


 * The character Ryan seems a little off. When we first see him, he's the devious head researcher who has no qualms about potentially sending a lower level employee to his death. By the end, he's turned into a total pussy who's asking the janitor for advice and crying in the bathroom. His two sides don't really mesh.