Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25089712-20140621173512/@comment-24918243-20140623040422

I'm probably not the best person to ask about grammar, since I have more of an intuitive approach to it, and often rely on help from some people here.

Mainly I thought some of the senteces had some awkard constructinos. Either cramming too much info, or not being clear enough. I'll try to give some examples.

"Fear, finally, got the better of her and she mindlessly turned away sprinting faster than she ever had into her room."

I would change this to :

"Fear finally got the best of her. She mindlessly turned away sprinting faster than she ever had into her room.  "

" Eventually she was switched to a fifth psychiatrist, one who was in the next town over, across the lake."

Probably better as

Eventually she was switched to her  fifth psychiatrist. The one who was in the next town over, across the lake."

"It reminded her of war and the world ending, destruction and loneliness, her greatest fear."

This one was the most confusing one... I would do something like this.

"It reminded her of war, destruction and the end of the world. It also reminded her of her greatest fear: loneliness"

LIke I said it's more of a intuitive approach. I think that changing those and some other would make it easier to read and understand. In the end, it's a matter of opinion.

I also noticed you began a lot of sentences with "And" and "But". That is a bad habit I also have, so after I finish writing I go through the text and try to weed them all out.

Back to the story, please keep in mind that bringing up slenderman will get your pasta deleted since there is a rule about using characters created by other writers.

I also did get the part that the strange man was some kind of part of her. However, apart from a physical description there was not much more going on.

This all brings us to the observation of vagueness. There is a huge difference in leaving an ending open and just being so vague that the reader just feels lost and that the story was somewhat pointless. Maybe it's the fact that the story is, by your own admission, unfinished, but you never want the reader to feel like they wasted their time reading something incoherent.