Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20150521072854/@comment-25458443-20150523043018

Magnanfire19 wrote: I felt it lacked flow, and character so I made some changes to hopefully give you a few ideas. It made me think of an angel falling from the heavens, delivering an unfortunate victim to a fate worse than death.

I fall through the air,

An invisible maniac – Corrected spelling

With a gun

And a tear

To deliver those in fear

A deed to be done,

Find someone to follow.

Make the gun hollow

I descend from heaven/hell -using hell would probably mean changing to suggest the

character rising not falling, that's up to you though.

At the sound of the death knell Ah, I should have specified.

The rhyming scheme is hard to read. I'll update it, so you can at least tell what is SUPPOSED to rhyme.

Also, Some things to specifically mention:

The word "MANIC" is a word.[https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=manic And the word I had intended at that. ]

I never intended the idea of some sort of death angel, but it is interesting. I'll log it away, unless you want to use it.

"I am;

-Aerodynamic

I swerve through the air

An invisable manic.



A gun in my hands

And a shell in the gun

A tear in my eye

Till the deed has been done



A deed to be done,

Till the gun is all hollow

Then I fill it back up

Find someone to follow.



I follow so well,

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">For I'm never noticed,

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">I'm never acknowledged

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">And that's why you're hopeless<span style="color:rgb(213,212,212);font-size:13px;line-height:21px;">"