Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25477067-20140929050232/@comment-25458443-20140929053414

This could use some tweaking.

For one, it is much too short. I don't care about this guy before I hear the door opening. and the computers DEVIL GLITCHES don't phase me due to fact that it is so rushed I don't have time to proccess anything. (Pun 100% Intended.)

For.. (For two i guess would be the term.) The story takes a lot of cliched elemants. not too bad it isn't a haunted game or anything but mybe consider changing the more used ones.

For... three? The whatever that is in your story as the vllain comes straight the f*ck out of nowhere. ''What is he?? I would be much more afraid if I ALMOST'' knew what he/she/it was. Intead of straight of NOT knowing ''ANYTHING. ''But hey, That's just my opinion. You do have some promissing ideas though.

Like for one, The computer litteraly EXPLODING was pretty clever. I might avoid the unchagable background, but the rest of anything about the computer was very nice.

Like for... two? I like the atomsphere you set. It all feels normal, but then it does NOT! Albeit a bit cliched but usfull none the less.

Like for three, The whatsawhosit villain has the potential to be rather creepy. And,

Like for four. the line " none of which sticks in my brain the way it " it shows that you can avert going into over specifics without breaking the mood.