Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24841494-20140320153917/@comment-4832646-20140320161352

GraydonL wrote:

Princess Callie wrote: There's awkward phrasing. "In his left hand was a massive Arabian dagger that looked as though it were more suited in a museum."

The assassin character seems alot like a Gary Stu - which is not always bad, just overdone. (Basically, overpowered character) I would have to read more before I could confirm that, though. I'm assuming so because he's extremely fast, strong, and doesn't exist so is uncatchable.

"penetrating his chest, piercing his lungs" Get rid of one of those. That really is redundant. You're basically saying the same thing twice, only getting more specific the second time around. It's unneeded.

Also, I want to know why this character basically doesn't exist.

And start a new paragraph when changing subjects. Describe the blade in one, the mask in the other.

Your description is fine, and the rest is fine, and this is a possibly good concept. Thanks. What I meant was he LEGALLY doesn't exist, as in no records. This is later going to expand into a story about a (fictional) order of assassins, known as the Porcelain. Smiley (his nickname, given by the other assassins), the character described, is a very infuential member, and is very powerful compared to most. The rest of the story is going to be about Intitate 243, or later, "Haha". That's what I meant.