Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180903225131/@comment-5733573-20180907144005

Fuck, dude.

Complete side note that means nothing: the title reminded me briefly of that folk song. "It went bop when it stopped...."

This is really wonderful. The first thing that sticks out is the world-building. From the very first paragraph, it's clear where we are, and the little details you sprinkle throughout the rest of the story just make the world richer and richer. I especially love the name choices. They give the story a feeling of being in a future where all races have merged.

The plot and dialogue are also great. I especially love the moments where it gets really, really, really heavy and then you just cut through it with a family moment. I laughed out loud in a couple of places because of this. It's so effective. There are a couple of criticisms I could give here. First, I think the husband's first line of dialogue needs to be separated into its own paragraph. It's not really a continuation of the first paragraph, so setting it apart will make that clearer. Secondly, I would have liked it to be clearer from an earlier point that the children were playing a computer game on tablets. You set up a world where anything goes and regular expectations need to be thrown out the window, so anything that's "normal" needs to be clearly presented.

All in all, you've really outdone yourself with this one. It's damn good and you should be proud.