Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25731232-20150409181345

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(FeelPasta.

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The clock ticked slowly, hours had went by since Alice had tried to go to sleep, only to be caught in the memories she desperately had tried to forget. Usually by 3 AM Alice was long gone, in either constant nightmares or the darkness of her eyelids closing up. If she had gotten insane or on the mere road to insanity she did not know. What she did know, was that she would have to go to church for the sorrow, regret and pain. All the night, she had been staring with low hopes of not being tormented for another night at the door. It was painful not feeling safe in her own bedroom.

The insecurity had set a mark on her, making the blond haired girl with freckled kissed cheeks uncomfortable even in her own skin, grey eyes shimmered with the tears she had earlier wiped off of her. The pillow stained with the pain. She wasn’t allowed to cry, she felt it was impossible for her to cry over something so pathetic, it had long tainted her, not even showing in her eyes while she went to school, when protected her sisters and when she was alone with only the art book to judge her. Often it was full of pictures, with girls allowed to cry.

She had never really let people get close to her, raised in a home full of Christians the bullies in her school saw fun in her pain, they knew of it. What they knew was only partly of what had happened to her. If questioned about it, she would lick her lips in a cold sweat, never able to fully answer anything. Once a boy had lured her home with him, he had tried to make her do unthinkable things, which all stopped once his mother had banged on his door, she was then quick to walk home.

Having a kiss stolen by a boy that frequently bullied her was something she wound up finding remorse for. What was she supposed to do exactly? She was young, a child and heavily insecure. Sadly that was not the saddest part that Alice knew of. Even before that boy; she had been playing alone in the field, her twin sister feeling sick the neighborhood boys asked her if she wanted to play hide and seek, not questioning their fullest intentions she agreed to come with them.

As soon as they had wandered into the forest, Alice begun asking questions, she wanted to run. She couldn’t. Either way she found was either decorated in trees or the boys just stood in her way. One walked in front of her, the other followed strictly behind. Making the then eight year old girl, frightened. She knew the boys just were around her own age and for all she knew they were just going to play hide and seek. She calmed her nerves down, remembering that these two had long started to bully her.

With an opened field of what seemed like a hole in the forest, Alice soon saw a taller figure. This taller figure was a mere boy at the age of 14. She thought nothing bad before they begun undressing her. Alice shivered under her pillow, remembering not clearly what happened after. What she did remember was that it stung a lot in her lower regions.

Not able to tell her mother she had been scarred for the first time, it was going rumors around what the boy had told, and one of the girls he had told it to, went and told her mother. This mother could have ended up saving Alice’s life, however, Alice had refused anything ever happened, afraid of being neglected and wanting to protect her mother, whom frankly had no idea.

As soon as Alice had turned 11, someone else was tugging her clothes off. This person was her older brother, Mike. Which maybe had wanted to experience or try something out, being nearly 6 years older. With fear of not only her brother but every boy around she felt exhausted, scared and her only wish was to protect her other siblings.

It ended quickly, Alice had short memories of that, as she turned 13 another boy came around and it was said if she did not do as they said, they would tell everyone. At the time she told them, they could do what they wished, her parents would maybe had been out raged but, at least she would be saved. Her childhood, and early teenage years went to not being happy, she was always scared. When she smiled, she felt fake and not good enough for either family or any type of future.

Before she even managed to get a picture around everyone else, her mind would just ramble, her thoughts becoming like a fish trying to swim on air. It had been years since she was able to even be without the cage. She wasn’t allowed to speak of any incident, her soul must have gotten dark since people would hurry away from her.

Sad, under her bedsheets, she held for her head in the pictured memories, hoping to god she would at least be saved from another flashback.

Sobbing out whatever she thought she remembered herself as a mere 13 year old, walking down the stairs late at night, at first it was because she needed to use the restroom, later she had walked into the kitchen, opened the first shelf and looked directly at a broad kitchen knife, it was used for slicing up the bread that stood in the oven. Lifting up the knife she glanced at it before she said, «How deep must I cut to end this suffering?» With a low teary eyed sigh, she placed the knife back, closed the shelf and walked back up to her bedroom, where she had been all those years ago, suffering.

All she did in the memory of herself, was cry. Really pathetic. As if she could ever leave her family. She loved them, until they had left them. As she had begun telling her story to a nice older woman, her family found it disgusting for Alice to lie. Alice never had lied, and it obviously made her hate her family more, never had any of them seen her cry herself to sleep. She had accepted it all and as she thought carried on. She never had carried on. All the memories had yet to haunt her mind and daily activities.

Never had she been able to hold a boyfriend, her memories was always making her the ultimate victim, never in power. Still she felt like someone had chained her, her wings cut off and the only way out was a key she herself did not carry. Heavy as it could be, she still felt she was obligated to live. She had to.

Her sister had stolen everything of her parents, the attention, the need and even Alice’s love. Just because her twin sister suffered from Epilepsy it was no reason to over look the oldest of them, Alice. Had always been alone, she was a good girl, trying her best, trying to make her parents proud, when that didn’t work she became what ever a young teenager would, bad.

Curling her toes under the white sheet she looked up into the ceiling, her face pink from all the tears. It didn’t matter, whatever she had done to save her sister from certain death did not matter. Her parents always saw them, not her. It brought more than tears to the young adult’s face. Anger. She was angry alright, never been the wanted child and she knew she never had wanted to be such foolish things. Who would have loved to be wanted by a family that had abused her over 19 years?

Grunting she furrowed her eyebrows, wanting nothing else but the pain and her family gone. They all had caused her so much pain and now in the heat of the moment she had nothing to lose. They were going to go and that in a flash. Maybe she would spare her younger siblings but not her mother, twin sister, older brother and the others. With a smile of evil she stepped down stairs, went into the same old shelf and took out the same old kitchen knife. Once again her face twisted in sorrow, was it really…worth it?

Yes maybe they had been dumb but, they were still human. All of them were. Looking at the knife she found herself hating the thought of just stabbing her siblings in anger or any sort of emotions. Swallowing she put the knife down, closing the shelf. «Sissy, what are you doing?» Her younger brother asked, wiping his tired blue eyes. Alice turned with a saddened expression on her face.

«N-nothing cookie, were you thirsty?» Her brother nodded, pointing at the cup behind her. Alice turned the spring on and waited for the water to turn cold. Smiling as she handed the cup to her 10 year old brother. «Do you need anything else? A hug? A kiss?» Alice joked while her brother sipped the cup. Silently he looked up at her with a pair of innocent eyes.

«I want a hug…» Alice did as she was told and hugged her brother tightly before she let go. Ruffling his hair as she mumbled. «I love you cookie.» Cookie was her younger brother’s nickname, currently being in all the emotions she had she just rambled a bunch of cute nicknames for him.

«I love you too!» Nodding she pointed to the stairs, watching the little boy run up. She listened to the feet running across the upper living room and into a bedroom, his as she thought before she once again stared at the shelf. Dreading it as she wanted so bad to go but couldn’t.

He needed her. Cookie, needed her. Not as a motherly figure, cause, he had one already, but as an older sister.

Swallowing once again she herself took a glass of water and sipped it down, slowly going back to her bedroom. She only wanted to sleep, yet her eyes were still open with sadness.   