Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26194190-20160510222606/@comment-28266772-20160511134819

Okay, so mostly this is correct in terms of grammar and proof reading, but some of the syntax is still a bit off, and the story isn't entirely... consistent.

In the darkness, it's impossible to tell whether I am asleep or not -> Who is trying to tell who is asleep here? If it's a 3rd party observer, fair enough, but you make it sound like it's the narrator who can't tell if they're awake or not. In which case, why? Most people can, with a great deal of ease, tell if they're asleep or not. And if not, there's normally a reason (night terrors, sleep paralysis, drugs, etc.).

I'm eying the shadow of the figure that seems to be sitting in the chair on the other side of my room. -> This is an awkward line. There are three subjects in this sentence and it becomes a bit confusing. Maybe have two sentences instead. One sentence establishes that the narrator is eyeing a shadow cast upon a wall, and another sentence establishes that the shadow resembles a human(inhuman?) figure sitting on a chair.

I  know that when I close my eyes, the figure is going to move. What it's going to do to me, I can only imagine. -> I don't know why the narrator "knows" anything for sure. Laying awake at night people often fear things, and become paranoid, which I think is what you're trying to convey. In which case I'd avoid "knowing" anything at all, and instead emphasise that the narrators irrational compulsions, fears, and paranoia.

In my last act of desperation/ Before the figure can move -> again there's too much certainty here. What you're saying is being taken at face value, so when you say "before the figure can move" you've already spoilt any pretense of a twist. The audience assumes that, rather than being the consequence of paranoia and fear, the figure can actually move. There's no uncertainty, or ambiguity.

Overall this is a good micropasta. I didn't see the ending coming, and it's delivery is spot on. It's affective, and creepy, and an enjoyable read. I would only recommend you go through it and establish the narrator's thoughts and feelings more clearly, so the audience can quickly, and easily, draw a distinction between what is real, and what is the narrator's own personal experiences. This way, the ending will be much more effective, because it will undermine the distinction between the narrator's irrational fears, and the external world, blurring them much like a nightmare.