Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30508454-20161115152406/@comment-28266772-20161115163734

'[First things first; formatting – you need to break a story up into paragraphs. What we have here is a wall of text which is considered to be any paragraph you need to scroll to read. This is important to consider when writing – aim for no longer than about 200-300 words per paragraph and even then, 300 is pushing it. Also double spacing is an old and outdated writing style. It’s not technically incorrect but it was established only because of the mechanical difficulties of typewriters; obviously that’s not a problem now. It serves no purpose and is quickly going obsolete; I’d get out of the habit now.]'

I like the rain. It helps me think and reminds me that no matter what one might go through things can get better. Okay that might sound cheesy but it makes me feel better to think of pleasant things after everything that happened. [highlighting something is cheesy doesn’t mitigate its cheesiness]  It was the beginning of August, a Saturday, I’m over 21 [not very naturalistic; people tend to just state their ages rather than generic brackets like “over 21”] so Saturdays are sort of a planning day for whatever wild ideas you [you’ve changed voice here; should be ‘we’] have for the evening. I called up my friends and we decided to meet up at the usual place. Nightfall came fast and with it an unexpected shower; not ideal weather for a night out. But being the friends that they are my pose [posse] decided to come over for the old Netflix and chill [uhhh, not what you think it means]; awesome. The rain came continuously as we watched [awkward wording i.e. “came continuously”] and it felt peaceful to me. The night came to a close finally [finally came to a close] and my friends decide to brave the rain to make it home. We said our goodbyes and they left. Not more than 20 minutes later I heard a knock at the door; strange but I figured one of my friends forgot something. They knocked again after a moment, [every single time someone different speaks you need to start a new line] “Forgot to take a piss Jared?’ I chuckled as I opened the door…but...strangely [again there is no technically correct approach but get in the habit of writing ellipses as “… ” not “…” so “… but… strangely” because it’s the overwhelming convention that is used] no one was there. My friend’s car had left, [need either a conjunction or a semicolon] it was still raining but nothing major. Okay maybe I was hearing things. [this doesn’t make sense given that the writer is in the present and they know what happened] It was late and I was getting tired. I closed and locked the door and started to prepare for bed. I heard it again and instead of opening the door I looked through the peep hole to see who it might be; maybe some kids playing a game of ding dong ditch. When I looked I was met with the soft brown eyes of a girl who looked [repetition; “looked” consider “appeared” instead] to be my age. I looked [repetition; “looked”] for another second then responded [responded, line break, “Yes?... ]“Yes? May I help you?” The girl stared for a moment before answering….. '[answering, line break, “My name is… ”; FYI don’t over use ellipses like this. They don’t belong here but work better in dialogue] ”My name is Tina….Can [… Can I come in] 'I come in?” I replied…. [I replied, line break, “Well… ] ”Well it’s kind of late for house guests but if you need help I can call the police.” She didn’t respond, she just creepily stared then she slowly turned keeping her eyes on the door until the last moment before walking away. Weird, but things like that happen. [Do they!?] I shrugged and went to bed, no harm done and the rain lulled me to sleep quickly. At about 3 AM I heard a strange sound outside my bedroom window. It sounded like the noise you would hear if someone was choking. I sat up and looked around the dark room before going over to the window and looking outside. To my shock I saw the same girl from earlier standing there looking up at me. Her eyes wide and the sound coming from her open mouth was horrifying. In fear I stumbled back and shrieked in horror, the horrible choking and gurgling filled my ears. I covered them as I laid on the floor trying to block it out. It seemed like it lasted for hours but was only a few minutes [this feels awkward]; what the hell did she want? As fast as it started it stopped along with the rain; it had been going the whole time she was there. [what had been going the whole time] I built up the courage to look out the window and sighed in relief to see she was gone. I must be going insane I thought. [there are a lot of different ways to show thought but generally either mark the thoughts with italics or single quotation marks]  I couldn’t think, I chalked the whole thing up to bad wine and went to bed. [really!?]  Sundays were work days for me and I went about my day as usual [so a new day has started?] but couldn’t help to think back to last night’s [tense issue; it’s not “last night” is it, because unless the author is writing this right there and then it can’t be ‘last light’] incident or dream or whatever the fuck it was. After my shift I went home just beating the rain shower. I decide [decided] to take a warm bath to calm my nerves and set up some scented candles in the bathroom. As the rain came down I settled into the bath and let my mind drift. Thirty minutes go [went] by and I hear [heard] knocking again at my door. [you’ve swapped tenses] I sat up and started to tremble; I wasn’t expecting anyone. There was another knock but this time it was more furious. I didn’t say a word and soon there was loud howling on the other side of the door as the knocking turned into pounding. This was too much, I shouted at the top of my lungs [use italics to denote emphasis; all caps is ugly as shit] “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!”  In a loud growl-like voice came my response…..”LET….ME….IN!” [ellipses overkill; again three full-stops and a space, and try to keep them only in dialogue]    I replied again…”GO AWAY TINA!”  I thought by saying her name it would be more persuasive but it did nothing. The loud claps of thunder only added to the terrifying noise which seemed [seemed is a filler word; avoid it] endless. Then suddenly it stopped. This was not just bad wine or fatigue, this…thing was legit after me. [legitimately not ‘legit’] I noticed that once again the rain had stopped as well. I got out of the bath and put on my robe before going downstairs to look at my door. It was normal but what just happened wasn’t. I figured the rain draws her out but what she wants [wanted] with me I don’t [didn’t] know. Why she singles [singled] out this house, I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is that I now dread the weather forecast. As I said, the rain is [was] my saving grace for everyday life…but now it only brings Hell to my doorstep. I don’t hang out as much especially if it’s going to rain. I sit and pray that she won’t show up but unfortunately I’m met with those horrible screams, howls, and angry pounding each and every time the rain falls. I don’t know what to do; she never stops. [Do me a favor….appreciate your life, appreciate the little things. You never know when it can suddenly be taken from you.'; Eurgh this last part is lame. So so so very lame.]'

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Mechanical issues – I’ve already addressed the worst of the worst above but to clarify you need to format a story properly which includes not just paragraphs but also punctuation! This means speech needs to be shown properly and ellipses kept to an absolute minimum. Another mechanical issue I see popping up once or twice are problems with tense. See here for more info.

Style issues – so you’ve got a tendency to write like a fourteen year old speaks but other than there’s a really nice flow to your style. You would massively benefit from improving your vocabulary and finding a greater variety of words to fill your descriptions with but nonetheless the effort is impressive and I think you’ve got a great first effort here. (Don’t forget most mechanical issues are like a minute at most to fix, it’s style issues that are the hardest to overcome). So yeah; this is the strongest part of your story.

Plot issues – well there is no plot, really. For what it’s worth I enjoyed the story’s descriptive sections but it falls flat in terms of something actually happening. There’s not much else to say although I think it’s worth mentioning that the central gimmick of a rain-bound spectre is actually pretty cool and interesting. I’d like to see it expanded upon.

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