Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170615234214/@comment-24101790-20170621141932

"it was much harder and utterly foreign to whole continent of Egypt" I think you're missing some words here between to and whole.

"it spoke of forbidden aeons of." I think some words are missing here.

"The workers above, seeing our dismay and smelling a subdued semblance of the smell" I would sub out smelling or smell with a different word (scent/stench if you want to keep alliteration) as repeated the same word or variation (like smelling/smell) can be a bit redundant.

"We had no choice but to trudge un (on) through the unknown."

"listening for a ‘’thuck’’ and feeling some resistance." Sometimes when using a word processor and pasting over, the wiki forgets to italicize. I think you were looking to italicize 'thick' here.

It's=it is, its=possession: " with ugly veins pulsing along it's misshapen structure", "I raised my pickaxe and swung at the monster, striking it's core.", "it’s weird contours, and unheard-of angles, twisting and sloping landscapes totally unaffected by gravity. And that ghastly stench was at it’s zenith here".

"I saw the veins in his body push out against his skin, and his flesh lost it’s peachy color and turned into a skeletal, pale tint, it looked like the blood from his body was being diverted from the arteries and capillaries into his veins; and then, in a cataclysmic explosion, his veins burst in an eruption of blood and gore." This sentence should probably be broken into two sentences (I would break it between the words tint and it looked.) to make it seem less like a run-on/overly complex sentence.

Story: I liked the improvements you made, but a few things stuck out to me. Lines like: "I decided to isolate myself in nether regions of the world to distance myself from the mindless internet and other modern media which brainwash the masses, and make them waste their life." and "I retreated to New York, to my home. I liked New York: the roar of the cars, and the bustle of the crowds, they reminded me I’m (no longer?) in those dark, silent, lonely tunnels." feel like they're at odds with the protagonist (a misanthropic character).

The ending also felt a bit abrupt. "It’s unbearable now. This is my memoir. I’m going to die, to kill myself… I will slit my jugular with the cleaver in the kitchen... Fuck this world." All in all, I think the changes are good and there are only a couple of mechanical issues sprinkled throughout the story. Good work on taking some time on this re-write.