Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150212035256/@comment-24101790-20150212043856

First and foremost, the story needs to be broken up. It is really difficult to read if it is one big wall of text. I would also avoid starting so many sentences with conjunctions (but, and, because.)

Wording errors: "But Kris, she wanted Timmy badly, but they were all friends." (Redundancy) "When it was Helens turn, though, Kris broke the rules of the ritual, opened her eyes to lunge at Helen, killing her, using the a kitchen knife she had used to cut the ham for their lunch." (Run on sentence), "until the (they) were slumped on the floor. ", "Helen was the first to awake, when she awoke, she saw a figure standing above them, it looked like Helen, but she looked, well, dead." (Helen woke up and saw Helen?), "and her eyes (were) jet black.", "The scream aroused (arose? Aroused implies something much different.) in her throat...".

Wording issues cont.: "like blood from the wound on (in) her heart", "She then walked over to Timmy, or Tim, as she knew him. As she gently caressed his beautiful face, and kissed him, making sure that he never woke up, then, like it was the most normal thing in the world, she cut Kris’ body down the middle, from the jugular to the small intestine, and slowly ate her, starting with her heart, just one little bite at a time, and slowly moved to her other innards, until she was simply a bleeding hust. (husk?)" (Run-on sentence.), "he was too good to be simply ate, (eaten)"

Punctuation issues: apostrophes missing from words indicating possession. "Helen(')s turn,", "girl(')s body". Periods missing from sentences: "But there (they're) already in you, just waiting for the moment you make a mistake(period missing)"

Story issues: I know this was submitted for the contest, but it still feels very rushed and the large amount of wording, punctuation, and grammatical issues don't help much. You really should have slowed down a bit to space this out, flesh out the characters some, and be a little more descriptive with the action scenes to build-up the story.