Talk:Tranquility's Bounty/@comment-26030957-20171031153859

A very well-written story of high literary merit that hints upon the relationships of father and sons, and contains an interesting and original take on the lycanthope legend, focusing on the moon and offering up a new idea behind its power.

NARRATIVE HOOK/INCITING INCIDENT: So, what’s the narrative hook here? The prologue is more of factual statement about the moon landing of 1969, not really a hook or inciting incident. The hook here is the death of Freida, and it was done rather well. First off, the title of the section was called, “The Name,” which should steer the reader in the right direction (though don’t count on it, they often skip the names of chapters and the prologues). It’s very subtle and full of mystery. Ida says, “Don’t you say it. Don’t you dare say that name,” but we don’t yet know why. There’s an expression called, “Starve your children,” which means, only give the reader enough information to keep them hooked and reading, curious and wanting more. This section is an excellent example of that. The name is compared with the “utterance of a forbidden curse,” followed by remembered words spoken by his father. Very literary. Extremely well done. I’m wondering about the prologue, though. Is this something that readers would skip? Is it a bit boring? Should the story be jumped into straight away and the moon landing elements be done second. Damn, honestly, I don’t know. I think it works on an artistic level. It gives it a distinct feel. Very creepypasta in that it’s taking on historical elements and giving them a creepy spin, turning them into strange urban legends. I’m going to give this a 9.

ORIGINALITY: Well, the trope of teenagers in a broken-down car is old and tired and is going to really lower the score; however, the concept of intertwining the moon landing was very creative, and having the rocks from the moon a source of lycanthropy is very original, so that’s going to shoot it back up and even it out to an 8.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: We’ve got Cecil the werewolf hunter, Donnie worrying and weak, Ida with her panic attacks. Well-rounded characters each with their own personal flaws. Good stuff. 10.

DIALOGUE: Some nice back and forths here. It felt active, alive and full of motion. Some interesting artistic touches, like Cecil hearing the words of his father echo in his head. I would have liked a few personal quirks in there, for instance, if one character used slang more than the others or had a potty mouth. But overall very good. 9.

EXECUTION: As I stated earlier the prose was wonderful and it was very well written. I noticed a couple minor typos: “sixth grade dance” should have a hyphen between “sixth” and “grade” since they are being used as a compound adjective that modifies “dance.” Double “you” in “I know you you feel.” “I did it, Dad” was repeated, but I wasn’t sure if this was on purpose or not. There were a few things that confused me. This bit in particular: “Ida tripped. The wind stopped, and the moonlight faded. Her face turned green and bloated, and her once-beautiful eyes turned pale and white, like glass. Her skin began peeling off to reveal a long tear mark, and continued to peel until there was nothing but bones and exposed flesh.” I assume Ida is thinking of Freida. But it’s just not that clear. It sounds like Ida’s face is turning green and bloated. David Corbett once told me, “Clarity makes suspense.” If you confuse the reader, make them stop and go back, you lose the flow and rhythm. Never be arty for artistic sake, imo. It comes off pretentious or even worse, just plain confusing. Why not just say, “Ida thought of Freida as she was pulled from the ocean, her face green and bloated. . .”? The same goes with the bit of dialogue before Cecil shoots Ida, where Ida realizes it was Cecil who killed Freida. It was confusing the way he was talking to Freida suddenly, then back to Ida. I got what was happening, it was just jarring. So, I did have some issues with execution; but honestly, most of the prose was so well written and of such strong literary merit, I’m going to give it an 9.

ENDING/DENOUMENT: I loved the Psalms quote. A really nice touch. It gave it an excellent feeling that accentuated the fact that they were bringing a whole load of werewolf creating moon rocks back to the earth. I also love the way it ties into the title. A solid 9.

OVERALL CREEPINESS: This one was pretty creepy, especially the nihilistic ending. It also had some nice scare factors. 10.

FINAL SCORE: 64 out of 70