Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4775390-20151114101028/@comment-10789912-20151114111136

I will be giving a rundown of this entire story. Paragraph by paragraph, detail by detail. Dialogue will be counted as part of the paragraph above it.

>Well, I'm a young user (Being 14 years old). I'm trying to publish my writing to the public, as I'm very insecure about it. This is my first pasta...I'm so nervous. ;-;

Don't include this when you publish it to the wiki itself.

Paragraph 1
The intro to the setting and character are good enough, and set what I assume will be this story's tone. I can acknowledge that the final two sentences of this paragraph are forth-wall breaking references to the real world, but I am not sure they belong here. In fact, they may serve only to break immersion within your story.

Paragraph 2
The phrasing gets a bit awkward towards the end of this paragraph, especially in that last sentence. Also, I'd recommend adding a space after ellipsis.

Paragraph 3
I do not recommend using caps to add emphasis to something. I'd say use ''' both before and after the words you wish to be emphasized, as it will make those words bold. Using "and" twice, in rapid succession, is again, quite odd. The final part of this story perfectly captures what I am trying to tell you. These nods towards the real world only break immersion. We are meant to be sucked into this story, and taken out of our world. Every time you add something like this, we are forced back out. Don't tell us that women didn't have much rights back then, show us. The same could be said with the submissive wife, though as this is a shorter story, it is excusable.

Paragraph 4
"Toma suddenly goes back to reality from his imagination land as a cherry blossom petal falls on his face."

This should be "Toma was suddenly pulled back into reality, as a petal of a cherry blossom tree fell unto his face.", or something similar.

"in which got the "

I believe you mean "in which he held the".

"Make haiku" should be "create a haiku", or something of the sort.

The haiku itself, is something I don't have any complaints on.

Paragraph 5
"that popped inside of it" is slightly awkward phrasing, though not necessarily incorrect.

"it still had a story to make" should be changed into something like "he still had a story to create".

When did he think of this 200 page story? We were never informed.

Paragraph 6
Putting dialogue before you describe the setting is generally a bad idea.

The story changes tense frequently. You should not say "the young Geisha shows" and then "she was". The story seems majorly in past tense, so I would correct this into "the young Geisha showed".

What is she showing the other young man? Whom is the other young man? This is never said.

The setting is still very much unclear, and not described well.

Paragraph 7
"The nobleman ate and truly enjoyed the food before going to write on his yard" should be "the nobleman ate, truly enjoying the meal in its entirety. After he was done eating, he went to write in his yard." or something of the sort.

Instead of repeating "write" six times, you could simply say "the extensive will to write".

It is improper to start a sentence with a word such as "but".

"Not with an unamused look"? I believe you mean not an amused look?

Also, how did Ren enter his yard?

Paragraph 8
Dialogue should always be on its own line. For instance, you should have ""Huh? What do you want, Ren?" Toma said in frustration."(word usage fix to be less awkward), before starting a next paragraph.

"Has" should be "had".

"So people didn't try to talk to the 30-year-old at those times" should be "so people avoided him at those times."

We do not need to be told his age again.

Paragraph 9
This paragraph is all strangely phrased. I would recommend revising it.

Paragraph 10
"probably got depressed" should be "is most likely depressed".

Paragraph 11
This story uses ellipsis far too much. You certainly need to remove a lot of it before uploading it to the wiki. Also, before doing a timeskip to a new location/setting, please clarify that you will be doing so.

Paragraph 12
Don't tell us to feel sad for her (especially with this much ellipsis), but rather, show us why we should feel bad for her. Describe her state of mind in much more detail.

The spirit part is such a drastic conclusion for anyone to make.

Paragraph 13
If this story is meant to take place in the distant past (you never specified a date in this story), these illnesses would not have been so easily diagnosed, nor would anyone fully understand them.

Also, anemia? She feels as if she has a lack of blood? That's something she'd be able to know very easily, by, I don't know- severe bleeding/blood loss.

There is absolutely no reason to include ellipsis before a question mark.

This scene has an awkwardly little emotion, seeing how it is meant to be an emotional moment between father and daughter.

Paragraph 14
Newspaper? Just when is this story meant to take place? Also, please do not let this follow the Jeff formula.

She traveled the whole way to the park we were introduced to earlier just for this attack? How convenient.

Paragraph 15
"in the bench" should be "on the bench".

Where the fuck did she suddenly get a hammer, without her father noticing?

Asylum in historically-confused Japan? Also, you need to be arrested for this, tested, mentally evaluated, and 'then sent to an asylum. It is a long process.

Then do not say he ended up "at the hospital". Say he died on his way, and leave it at that.

Paragraph 19
These long portions of dialogue will be counted as a single paragraph

What friend needed help? Also, Toma did not know she was on the brink of insanity. He knew she was depressed, and then very hostile/insane. He was not aware of the transition, nor the events that transpired along with it.

Again with the strangely drastic conclusions.

She walked away and left him alone, and then he continued speaking- only to pray with her. She left. How is this possible? The phrasing during this praying sentence is immensely awkward.

Paragraph 20
This paragraph didn't even bother giving any details, nor a setting.

Paragraph 21
He wanted to relax, so he went to the exact place strange events happen.

This paragraph describes a discussion, but does not show us the discussion itself. That's an issue.

Paragraph 22
If he was laying on his back, he would be urinating on himself, mostly. If he was laying on his stomach, urination would be almost impossible due to pressure on the penis. I'm convinced this little asshole is just walking around, pissing everywhere, and then laying in it.

"panting, breathing quickly and noisily" should be "panting uncontrollably, quick and sickly."

Yes, Toma does not sound like a freak at all here. At all. Surely not.

Paragraph 23
Please describe the treatment in the final piece.

Paragraph 24
Had words? Perhaps you should replace this with "whispered words".

Paragraph 25
Screams and screams? No need for this. Simply say screaming.

"stuff". Refrain from using this word outside of dialogue at all costs.

This scene is supposed to be strange and mysterious, perhaps Poltergeist-esque, but lacks any detail at all.

"Words such as this" should not be phrased this way.

We are just now learning her last name?

Paragraph 26
This is not needed. All of these sections in parentheses do not serve any purpose.

Paragraph 27
He's seriously just walking home after he almost certainly saw a demonic possession at the hospital? Alone? This protagonist is an idiot.

Also, the over the top conclusions are back.

Paragraph 28
If you want to signify a person's thoughts, type it as you would any other dialogue line, but make it in italics. Also, specify that it is a thought after the sentence with something like "he thought to himself".

Paragraph 29
Describe the performance in the final piece.

Cryptic imagery simply for the purpose of being cryptic only serves to ruin the plot twist that you've already pretty much revealed.

Paragraph 30
Anyone that understands basic anatomy knows this means two things. She either urinated from within her clothing, which would have gotten the urine mostly on herself, and slightly on the floor- or she had time to take her clothing off (or lower it to around knee level), expose her vagina, angle it properly, and walk around urinating, whilst Toma simply watched, reactionless, and didn't so much as attempt to stop her. Alright.

Toma sleeps with his urinating wife almost immediately after she urinated in his house. Discipline is apparently nonexistent.

Paragraph 31
You packed detail into this paragraph that shouldn't be explained like this. Instead, this should have been a multi-paragraph explanation of the dream, and we should be forced to feel the setting. It is not scary, if it is packed together.

Paragraph 32
Again, we do not need to have the fact he is 30 told to us again. We didn't forget.

Moths are not sentient, thus their behavior could not be taken as "fear", only as retreat from a threat. They are not capable of feeling emotions on that level, as they aren't even aware they are alive. Toma shouldn't be able to identify emotions of insects, regardless. He should be confused as to why they did this, not speculating fear as the cause.

This answers no questions. Where did the Oni come from? Why is it here? Why Toma and the children? Has Toma been married to one this whole time, or was it only after the event with the boy? (in that case, why was her voice coming from him?)

Paragraph 33
Please ditch this newspaper style of informing us on events. We want to be told the events via description, not headlines giving us a lazy nutshell version.

"no one could see where she did go." should be "her location is currently unknown."

"The writer was 30-years-old" should be "Toma was 30 years old at the time of death."

"The incident possibly happened at dawn of this day" is terribly worded. Reword this.

What? Where did that come from? Is it part of the newspaper? If not, it's horribly out of context. You need to either remove that last line, or add a final paragraph explaining this quote, and why it was said. Too whom it was said, as well.

Overall Review
Though poorly written in many regards, this is your first story. It is not totally unsalvageable, but it will require you revising it at least one more time, adding details that were missing, altering phrasing, and adding context (such as date). This story may meet the Quality Standards after this. The concept is decent, so if done correctly, you might create something well worth keeping on the wiki. Only you can get it to that point, though.