Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27286688-20151125184333/@comment-10789912-20151125194002

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I'm sorry but this story really doesn't feel like it's been written by a college student. Lines like this: "Today was a good first day at college. I met a guy named Logan who's really nice. He's also very handsome." and this "I was able to get to know him. We had to look at the inside of a frog." feel more like they were written by someone much younger, like elementary school level. ("I want to play a game of hide and seek with her.")

There really needs to be more insight given into the character here. This is a collection of their personal thoughts and emotions. Lines like this: "Logan makes me feel happy and makes me forget the abuse I'm given at home." need more focus and fleshing out. Without insight, it makes the story hard to get involved/interested in. It would also strengthen the plot to go into a little more detail/explanation for how the protagonist is tracking these people down and entering their houses. Giving this information would make the story feel more realistic/tense.

Additionally the diary entries feel very rushed. You're depicting someone who's obsessed with another person, it really should go more in-depth and introspective. I would suggest reading stories like: Your Secret Admirer and Stalk which are a bit more focused on making the story tense and unsettling. As it currently stands, this needs quite a bit of work. If it were uploaded in its current state, it would very likely be deleted so kudos for taking it to the workshop beforehand. If he wrote everything a college student would right in their diary/journal, I'm fairly certain it'd pass as a porno.