Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31482346-20170427144002/@comment-32461413-20170709223251

Right off the bat I can tell that this is a spinoff of Slenderman. There is a page that addresses spinoffs (http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Spinoffs). To save you some reading, spinoffs aren't for this wiki; this Wiki wants to focus more on original content. You're in luck though, that's why the Spinpasta Wiki exists (http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Spinpasta_Wiki). I suggest posting there. Additionally, they also have their own Writer's Workshop that you can use for future spinoffs. Despite everything though, I will give you some basic feedback on this story.

"It's" and "its" are different; just like "your" and "you're." "It's" is the same as "it is" whereas "its" is possessive. You've been using "it's" instead of "its."

The way you portray the dialouge is awkward. In some places you utilize a script format while in others you use the traditional format. Personally, I suggest to stick with the traditional format of dialouge; it's easier to read and doesn't call too much attention to itself.

You have a tendency to repeat words to redundancy. For example, the word "wood" in the middle of the story is used several times which makes it repetitive. I would suggest switching up your diction choices. You could use the word "planks" or even describe the type of wood such as if it is oak or whatever it is. Find some way to add some variation to avoid redundancy which is distracting.

I also find that you make weak diction choices. You use the verb "run" quite a bit. "Run" is a bit weak, especially when used multiple times. Think of other words such as "scurry" or "scamper." A thesarus would be great help in finding related words that will make your writing stronger.

The dialouge comes off as a bit awkward. Especially at the beginning when the person asks if they could explore someone's house. To me, that doesn't seem like something that a person would say; it feels stiff. Normally people aren't as rigid when talking to eachother. Why is the person just randomly contacting the protagonist in the middle of the night to explore someone's house? Why are they revealing the identity of the person in it? Etc.

Just a nitpick, the black writing makes reading much more difficult.

The characters seem to abruptly appear. I find that I'm asking myself "who's Emily?" or "who's Nicole?"

I'm also confused to what is happening. What exactly happened in that house that is being explored? There are a lot of loose ends that need at least a little explanation. There can be a lot up to interpretation, however as the reader, we need something to work with; there's a lot of context that we are missing out on.

As far as spinoffs go, I'm not an expert on Slenderman. I would suggest (after making some edits) to repost this story onto the Writer's Workshop on the Spinpasta Wiki. That way you can get some feedback from people who write spinoffs such as these.

Wish you luck!