Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20141116115122/@comment-25458443-20141117063502

Bubblegum 366 wrote:

Devincooper64 wrote: Now I do have a few issues. The first there are some gramatical errors and sloppy flow in sentences (Mainly ones like the sentence about the bombs not being close enough to kill the narrator) and the other being that the narrator claims that bodies are hitting the ceiling. How could he see them if he was in a room locked away from the outside world? Also the rat with two eyes seemed kinda off focus as if  it had no purpose to the story.

Also, after he drops his fruit and considers suicide. Was he draming of getting out of the room or was he actually out of the room? And where did he get the soup can lid? It would possibly help if you squeezed in subtle details about the room through out the narrative. I think the point is that he was imagining the bodies. I think it was mostly a metaphor for something we'll find out later in the story. The bit with the rat is the kind of narrative digression that brings the reader back to the present and away from the narrator's thoughts. It's like an alarm. Both these elements work well with the story, in my opinion.

The room could do with subtle details. Subtle enough to allow imagination to do its job.

I guess the story will straighten itself out later. (Hopefully soon enough). Well damn. You're good!