Talk:The Blood Keeper/@comment-24848534-20140503122826

While the idea behind the story was good, the voice of the speaker was really unnatural. Since we are told in the beginning who the narrator is, the word choice, phrasing, and lack of contractions doesn't paint a consistent picture.

Something that took me out of the story a lot was the frequent use of asides that didn't add to the story. "My mother always told me not to stay at cemetaries at night; little did she know." When I'm trying to see the story and get engaged, these work like Schwarzenegger one liners; they are a nod to the audience and cute, but they disengage the reader.