Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25931653-20141228025325/@comment-17385488-20141228043908

For starters, the entire story is a massive wall of text. This can become a complete strain on the reader's eyes and can cause them to re-read portions of the story that they have already read. Try and break apart your story into paragraphs to make it easier to follow along (Edit: Grizzly Bear already broke the story into paragraphs, but the point still stands).

Grammar and Plot Issues

You start the story off with a run-on sentence. "A few years ago I had gone to a campground with my family over summer break,(.) no (No) big deal."

Not only that, it also opens the way for capitalization issues which are prevalent throughout the story.

"Just us and the lake (the lake) and the incessant racket of the party going on in the pavilion." There was no background surrounding this party that comes out of nowhere. Did the narrator know that there was going to be a party at the pavilion and, here's a thought, why bring it up in the story if it is completely out of context with the rest of the sentence?

You then bring up that the narrator is under 18 years of age and cannot attend this "party" that the rest of his family is attending. He pulls out a Nintendo DS and an iPod when he hears a knock at the door of his camper (There is a missing comma here: "Pulling out my Nintendo DS and my Ipod (iPod) I heard a knock at the door of my camper.").

From what I've read so far in this, you seem to leave out a number of important details that can contribute greatly to the story, such as some points of interest in this particular campsite (Where was the pavilion in relation to the camper? How would I know what else is happening at this campsite if you give little to no detail about it?).

So, it turns out the person who knocked on the door of the camper is another kid who is the same age of the narrator, who turns out shows up because HIS father suggested to the narrator's father that the two children should meet each other in person. This is a nice idea, but I do suggest you elaborate off of it (What is it about the kid that makes the narrator grow to like him? They might share a few things in common and could have a mutual bond with each other.)

"We spent an hour or two on the XBOX..." How is there Internet at this campsite? Sure, a lot of modern day campsites have access to the World Wide Web, but the detail is so vague that it leaves out that detail. It could be a campsite without Internet. So, how would we know?

"Then he (He) got this idea that we should check out a path that leads through woods near the back of the campground." Again, this brings back my point of the little to no detail about the campgrounds. You could include some details of what these two children encounter en route to the start of the trail. Instead, it skips ahead to where they are hiking the trail and encounter a large rock along the trail.

You also have another run-on sentence here (He climbed the rock first then I followed,(.) it (It) wasn't until...") Also, after the run-on sentence came what I consider something "questionable". How did the boulder magically appear out of the thin air to block the path? It would have been better if it had been written like this:

"It wasn't until he had to 'go' that we noticed an extension of the path, but it was blocked by a boulder."

"We hesitant took the route seemingly through miles of forest?" You seem to have left out information of how in the hell the two managed to get past the boulder. Did they go around it? Did they have superhuman strength and push the boulder away and off of the path? It is details like that that can contribute greatly to the overall flow of the story.

"We were both curious and made the idiotic decision to explore the house[.(Run-on)] which was actually fun at first (It was fun at first,) but then at around eleven thirty four (11:34) (Also, is it in the morning or at night?) the house's demeanor seemed to change."

You also seem to forget some words, or in some cases, leave in some words that are unnecessary, which makes the sentence confusing to read without them ("voices seemed to carry on (in) the wind when it blew through the holes"; "Instead I listened intently and discovered that the creaks in the house weren't caused by "settling" but (Remove "but") by this nightmarish entity that had been stalking us since we entered the estate.).

So, a supernatural being is enveloping the two children and the two are gravitating towards the foyer. Then, the narrator takes out matches. Does the kid know how to properly use matches, and if so, can he be trusted in using them?

"A dark, long, skeletal face loomed a foot away from mine (me). Two dark red orbs fillied its eye sockets[.(Also, this just seems like a callback to Sonic.exe.)] then it (It then) slipped into the darkness."

After the initial encounter with the supernatural entity, he hears a muffled grunt, followed by cracking, and finally, a liquid hitting the ground (Is it water, blood, or something else?). You also show some poor grammar in this following section:

"At this point I was tearing up{,} (and was) unable to control my breathing; I was hyperventilating and (I) couldn't stop. The darkness slowly crept in and just when I thought this thing was going to get me as well I heard my father's voice..."

More capitlization errors follow ("how (How) dare you steal my dad's voice!") along with more grammar errors ("Without thinking I lit a match and set it on the floor."). Wait a second. Why is he trying to set the house ablaze in hopes of killing this supernatural entity? From what I learned, you can't "kill" a ghost like that. They have to be driven out by another means. Destroying their place of haunting would usually lead to dire consequences.

"I was going to bring this otherworldly thing down with me if need be (if I needed to). It (I) sensed my hope growing then extinguished the warmth. The only thing I had left to hang on to and it stole it from me [What thing was he holding on to was so dear to him?]."

So, the story ends with him being presumably killed by this entity by ways of being penetrated by its claws (Not to mention this: "I could smell the things (thing's) breath. (which reeked of) Brimstone (brimstone) and rotting meat.")

Overall Thought on the Story

Well, after this extensive "autopsy" of a pasta, it is clear that there is a massive amount of plot holes, grammar issues (capitalization, run-on sentences), etc. I highly advise you to work on developing a basic understanding on how to write a story. As of now, it is nowhere near the territory of meeting the quality standards.