Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10319977-20160102141602/@comment-25941663-20160105143346

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Story issues: I am going to draw on Dupin's comment a bit. The story really lacks a creepy factor where I feel like the protagonist actually feels threatened/intimidated by the man. This is partially compounded by the fact that the veteran clearly recognizes the girl, but doesn't divulge any information about being related to her (even when he's grasping onto their shoulders). This ends up coming off as a bit of a plot hole. This man is clearly terrifying this girl who he is trying to talk to, so it seems odd that he wouldn't try to comfort her or explain the situation. It also seems odd that the father isn't really mentioned in the story especially when they draw attention to it early on in the story ("Growing up with a single mother and three half-sisters...") so it comes off a bit like trying to bury the lead. I will have to disagree with that. The fact that the brother doesn't say that they are related/explain the situation ultimately left me the impression that the brother has been broken by homelessness and war. It was a nice touch, in my opinion.

Onwards to your revised version.

"and froze in place for what must have been minutes," - I don't like the 'minutes' part. It isn't realistic how long he was frozen. I understand that the narrator might have thought that he was frozen for minutes, but I would consider cutting it out. It's a minor thing and it might stand out to the reader at first.

Also, upon second reading, how did the brother recognize the narrator and the narrator didn't recognize him back? This raises a ton of questions. Maybe the narrator blocked him away in his mind? Or was the narrator a very young child when the brother went to war?