Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26537256-20160716142055/@comment-29015383-20160717084206

I have to admit that the only reason I understood this story was because I'd seen it in the appeal area (sue me, I hover around everywhere I can get) with the explanations before I read the story itself. I do think that the story has potential and since the admins are putting in effort to help and urge you to restructure it I daresay that they too see this.

My suggestions are as follows:

Be clearer with the courtroom aspect. Describe it as though it is an actual courtroom. It may play inside the head of an insane person, but this is your opportunity to pull the reader in while simultaniously giving them the impression it is a real courtruling of sorts. The one up for the chopping block is the defendant in this case. Reveal what that guy has done and why he is guilty. Let the vote be about guilty or not guilty rather than 'the murder is now legal'.

Then, when you shift perspective to the real world, have it feel like the killer returns to reality with his gaze coming back to focus on the defendant from the courtroom. Feel free to describe the man's terror and condition he's in. Then finally tie it together with the killer proclaiming that the vote has been cast and that he has been found guilty.

These are just suggestions of course. Do with them what you will.