Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24747371-20160102230513/@comment-26007602-20160103010940

Well, it was well written, I'll give it that. I just don't find it a particularly effective story because, well, nothing happens. We don't know anything about the main character, and all the information supplied is told rather than shown, which is a huge problem. Sure, we get to see a few interactions, but you need to make the audience actually feel for the character, rather than pile on misfortune after misfortune on her. Some may find it tragic, but I just don't because Kureiji lacks any character, besides being a "sad, misunderstood girl", which has been done to death (no pun intended) in other stories like this one. Seriously, every story like this is fairly similar: depressed teen is bullied by the world and kills themselves.

The truth is, that there is usually something at the heart of depression, either a mental illness or exterior cause. You've got plenty of potential causes, but you never really do anything with them, and before you get a chance to expand on Kureiji, you kill her off. I think this story needs more than a single day, as it's hard to feel for a character in such a short amount of time. She just doesn't have a personality beyond being depressed and "different".

Finally, just a final note, the self hurt you portrayed in the story isn't well done or explained. People who do hurt themselves in ways like this usually do it for a reason (no matter how flawed it might be). Kureiji's hurting isn't explained, and just looks like a typical way to show how depressed she is, which could be seen as offensive by people who know someone or have actually hurt themselves in such a way. I'm not saying you should take it out, but there should be a reason for it being there.