Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160810144309/@comment-28266772-20160810155659

Dear Peter,

I couldn't help but notice your message on the board from earlier this week about your second thoughts on your upcomming [upcoming] marriage. Though I'm fortunate in that I have been happily married [repetition] for five years now [I’d lose the ‘now’], let me tell you that I know exactly what it is you're going through. The idea of spending the rest of one's life with somebody else is a daunting one indeed, and it is not uncommon for one [repetition of ‘one’] to get cold-feet. In fact, this is a regular enough occurance [occurrence] that it has become a rather annoying movie trope [perhaps say ‘cliched’]. My point is, you needn't fret about your nerves and fears. They're [as (must admit I’m not sure about this one)] common as rain in England.

Still, I would feel amiss if I didn't at least attempt to alleviate some of your concerns.

Marriage is a beautiful and sacred event. Under the eye of God you tie your lives together with the promise to never part, regardless of the obstacles you come across. You will be together forever, experiencing fortunate [fortune] and misfortune as one. I am certain you still remember the joy you experienced when she said yes to your proposal (which, I might add, was a very romantic one. The Moraine Lake at sunset is beautiful). I know I do. Every morning when I wake, I feel that very same joy the moment I lay eyes upon the calm, gorgeous visage of my wife and smell her gentle perfume still lingering in the air. I imagine it will be no different for you. There is no feeling that can compare to the simple knowledge that the one that holds your heart is so close. [I must admit that until this moment I swore the narrator was a woman – don’t know why]

Naturally, marriage is not all sunshine and happy times. I have found that it is the early years that are most strenuous. Not all little details you discover about your partner will be pleasant, and more than once you may find yourself vehemently disagreeing with one another. I urge you to not make the same mistakes as I did. Do not avoid an argument or confrontation. I held the misguided idea that I shouldn't argue with my darling. Afterall, I love her and at that time I didn't want to end up fighting her. The problem with walking out on a budding argument however is that it only raises tension and frustration.

Only recently did I become aware of this myself, when everything reached its boiling point [this sentence feels awkard]. We engaged in a rather heated arguement [argument] over something that was honestly [I think ‘honestly’ should either be enclosed in em dashes, or commas] a trivial matter. It was unpleasant and emotions ran high, however once everything was said and done peace returned to our relationship. To be honest, our lives improved a great deal afterwards. She listens to my problems now without a frown or complaint, and I hold her lovingly whenever she needs it. To be a bit brassen [brazen] about it, that one argument also very much reignited the passion. Previously our stolen moments between the bedsheets were few and far between, but now I find myself entangled in her nearly every night. We've even begun to be a bit more experimental about it [I think this sentence works better without ‘about it’], which is a rarity for me! '[this last bit also feels awkward. Perhaps something like ‘which was a rarity for us!” – I think it’s the use of ‘me’ that just feels ‘off’ given the type of eloquent voice you’re aiming for.]'

There are of course a few caveats. Marriage is afterall, an endless search for the right compromise. The bedroom is chilled, just for her, and I find myself going out for her costmetic [cosmetic] needs on a much more regular basis. A tip: learn the shade and brand of make-up she frequently uses, and find out what her favorite perfume is. I swear, we must be going through a bottle a week at least, but whenever I look upon her serene expression I find it all worth it. She's certainly not complaining either.



I hope my message will be able to help you at least little. Though it is early, I wish to congratulate you and your partner, and I hope your marriage becomes perfect and [as] fulfilling as mine.

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So I love this story, the idea and the execution. It works. In particular, I think you nailed the voice and style. Although it’s a touch effeminate I don’t think it’s a problem (you’re aiming for an eloquent writer after all), just that it might help if you clarify the writer’s gender early on to avoid confusion. I’ve included a list of minor suggestions in my annotations above, and mainly my feelings land squarely on “this is fucking awesome” but I’d like to address the ending.

Specifically, you mention you’d like it to have more punch. I like the slow and obvious burn you build up, and I’m not sure you need some big twist or reveal because by the mid point it becomes suspiciously obvious what has happened to this poor woman. But nonetheless I still feel as though the ending kind of fizzles, and I’ve been thinking as to what you could do. So far I have two suggestions.

The first is that, by the end, the audience is aware that this man has killed his wife. Perhaps one addition you could make in order to add some shock is that at the very end he could mention that he will be receiving his first in-law visit in the coming weeks – in particular that his wife’s younger sister will be visiting and he’s hoping that jealousy will not be a problem. I think this helps demonstrate that this man is a threat, and rests the shock on something other than “he killed his wife”, and instead places it on “he’s setting a trap for another young woman”. The main point of this suggestion is that you find a way to emphasise the man’s on-going threat status, but that however you choose to do it is completely up to you.

The second is that you could state that the man’s job is as an undertaker and tie it into his knowledge of corpse-preservation (something like “oh I’ve even had to take some materials back from my workplace to keep her happy! Thank God I work as an undertaker etc. etc.). This would make it absolutely clear, via an emotional punchline, that this guy has killed his wife. Also, for some weird reason I can’t remember (possibly Phantasm and the Tall Man villain from that franchise) I imagine undertakers to be a self-serious and pompous sort, who perfectly fit the style of writing you’ve selected. The main point of this suggestion is that you go that extra little mile to tie the ending up and make it clear what has happened, without just having it all fizzle out without much else happening.

Hope you find my suggestions helpful (as always feel free to completely ignore them both if you like!), but I’d like to stress that I really enjoyed this story. Once again you’ve demonstrated a knack for writing short stories that are original, and which are incredibly efficient at packing as much into as few words as possible. If you stayed out of the collab because you don’t think you’re a good writer I’d have to say that I think you’re understating your own talent! And that you should definitely reconsider if you’re not too busy.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Oh shit there's one last point I'd like to make! The guy's name "Jay" feels incongruent with the style. Jay is a nickname, or a shorthand for something like James, while I feel like the tone of writing is something I'd hear from someone called "Buckingham" or "Charles Whitworth III". In other words I think the guy's name should reflect his formal style of writing and be, at the very least, "James".

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