Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29173323-20160720061951/@comment-29173323-20160720181436

Nachtrae wrote: "-It was July 14th, once again in 2013." -> don't think the mention of 2013 is necessary since the opening already did this.

"I'll refer to my two cousins that stayed behind as Roger and David, I guess. " -> It wasn't immediately clear to me that the whole family (including cousins/uncles/whatnot) was already present. While I understand that you referred to the whole family in the sentence before, I assumed this meant parents and potential siblings. Perhaps add in a little bit that the family had gathered together for the up and comming birthday? I feel like it would make this part flow smoother.

"Roger was the oldest of the two, who would be having the birthday" -> either put the 'who would be' part after Roger (aka: Roger, who wouldbe having the birthday), or rephrase the latter part to something like 'Roger was the oldest, and it was his birthday that was coming up'

"While we were at the mall, the two stayed behind, " -> you already established that Roger and David would be staying behind (" I'll refer to my two cousins that stayed behind as Roger and David, I guess.")

"My grandma leaves " -> grandma lives.

"I want this incident to help you understand this. " -> this sentence feels a little awkward to me. My suggestion would be to change it to describe the desire that the protagonist's description of the incidents helps the reader understand, since the writer is describing the incident instead of replicating it.

"The basement was basically a bedroom almost. " -> drop the 'almost', and describe the bedroom. Let me envision how it looks so that I can watch the events unfold.

"We got back to the house about two hours after we had left, to find the front door with a now broken handle. " -> Since this is the angle you're going for (coming home to find x happened), I would suggest leaving the part as to what David and Roger were doing to after the family goes back inside. It will help with the building of tension if you let them come home to find a busted door and then go inside to find what happened.

"To the left you would see the kitchen and dining room, and going right from the dining room would lead you to the living room which had another entrance, then a hallway with three rooms and a bathroom. " I-> I feel this sentence is a run-on sentence. You can split them up to help the flow of the story.

"While half of us looked around the house, the other half of us went downstairs." -> why split up so evenly?

"Some of my grandma's jewelry was stolen, and a few other things," -> 'Some of my grandma's jewelry along with a few other things were stolen'

"They all came running upstairs with tears running down their faces, " -> find a different word for one of the 'running'

"and well as shouting from my grandpa." -> 'as well as'. I also think this could be a seperate sentence where the protagonist describes hearing her grandfather's shouts (also, are they angry, happy, despairing? Describe please).

"what they saw. " 'what they had seen'.

"Unfortunately, I do know what they saw. According to my grandpa's details on the phone, Roger and David were found laying on the ground, both dead in two giant puddles of blood. " -> did you mean to say that the protagonist went down into the basement to look, or was she able to imagine the scene from the description?

"They knew the guy had escaped from the living room entrance," -> how? And how had the implied burglar gotten in?

"Losing three family members in one night is not something you would want to deal with." -> I thought it was just Roger and David?

"when I noticed Roger's iPad under the couch downstairs" -> you mean nobody found it while cleaning those huge puddles?

"There were a few apps downloaded and a shitload of notifications, but not much more, I thought" -> This is more an observation than a thought.

"and what they thought was the front door opening and being slammed shut. " -> continously?

"but they then realized " -> 'but then they'

"They whispered back and forth, and then the video abruptly ended. " -> what did they whisper? Or was it to soft to hear?

"but whoever was opening it hid behind the door." -> this sentence should be restructered and put on its own.

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I find the premise interesting, but the ending needs brushing up to be satisfying. As it is, it leaves to many questions without enough answers to piece the events together ourselves. Was it a simple burgler? If so he wouldn't have hidden behind the basement door so much. Is it a supernatural entity? There's no foundation for one anywhere else in the story. Also, why stop the video there. If the two died in that basement the way they did, that device would've either continued to record until it ran out of battery, or something/someone would've stopped it (the culprit).

If I were you I'd read the story a few times yourself and brush up the descriptions and atmosphere more. Show us what happens. The family comes back to a busted house after a day of cheerful shopping, so describe that the house feels silent/disturbed/wrong. Make the hairs on our necks stand up straight. Also, don't foreshadow the basement part. Let us wonder where the bodies were found, so that the description of the rest of the house still interests us.

Also, rewrite the ending. The one year timeskip doesn't add anything and feels contrived to me. There's no way they didn't find the iPad before with the extensive cleaning necessary to get rid of the bodies and blood. If anything, the police would've found it if they're halfway competent. Don't forget to give us a satisfying conclusion in a way that makes us question our own safety (without resorting to the cliché 'he might choose you next'). Maybe an escaped convict is prowling the area, if so give us his name and what he got locked up for. Why should we be afraid of him/it.

Unfortunately I cannot tell if this is a wholy original content as I haven't read nearly enough creepypasta for that yet. As it stands, it does feel a little generic. A good ending can safe it though, so good luck! Thank you!