Talk:My Baby/@comment-24841732-20140506235040

Time for my first review, baby! Ironic that it will be of one of Nooth's stories.

I’m going to start with the most obvious flaw. You seriously over describe. Sure, it sounds pretty, but plot comes first. Plot is what is interesting, and to be frank, there is very little plot here. Over the course of the entire story, very little happens. I found myself very bored and I skipped and skimmed my first reading. Also, you overuse similes and metaphors. It legitimately got to the point where I couldn’t tell whether one line was an actual description or just another metaphor.

Your grammar is fucking impeccable. I found only a single flaw in the entire story. “Burying me and baby and the girl in the white dress beneath tower rubble.” Here you say Burying me and baby, however I believe you mean me and my baby. You are doing good here.

That little poem in the middle? I fucking loved it. To be honest, it is my favorite part of the entire thing. On the other hand, the sex scenes and references in the rest of the story seemed a little unnecessary. They seem out of place with the other descriptions.

Now, the ghost. It took me four readings to even realise the ghost was “My Baby”. While it is good to not treat your readers as idiots, being too vague is not good either. I did like the twist however. It honestly surprised me. Great job there. But it seems that all the plot and character development happens in the last three paragraphs.

That is another thing I would like to go over. Your characters are completely unrelatable. This long, amazingly descriptive story has no character development. The narrator has no personality and the entire story is completely monotone. Literally the only thing you know about him is that he is somewhat glum, and that is only emotion you see throughout. I don’t feel anything for the characters. When it is revealed the wife is dead, I didn’t give a shit, either for her or the narrator, because you didn’t make them likable. They are just there, essentially just props.

I don’t see a point in going over each paragraph, because I would just keep repeating the same thing. Too descriptive, very little story. However, there is no doubt that you can write. Most of these flaws can be fixed with some more practice. Keep writing.

Overall, I would have to say 7/10. Sure it is beautiful and sad and emotional, but there isn’t really a story here. It doesn’t matter how pretty it looks if there isn’t a point to it. It is like those demo images for HDTVs, they look really nice but they don’t tell a story.