Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3580198-20140825063731/@comment-24859608-20140830110057

Well, the story had a good idea behind it...However, I personally feel it could have been re-written a lot better.

For starters, your story had terrible narrarating. Your stories chronological event-line was all out of order.

For example, please notice how you told what the whole purpose of the experiment is before you start listing your days. Then on the first documented day of the experiment you mention how the idea came up.

This leaves two problems right from the start. You stated something already stated before, and poorly tried to make it show us how you got that idea. People should expect you to post how you got that idea originally in the same place you put everything else about the experiment...

The second hole in this story would be that it doesn't make sense. Why where you documenting your experiment before you even got an idea for the experiment.

It's also off-topic, like how you mentioned how he got it from assasins creed. That not only ruined a good amount of the wonder if the experiment was true or not, it also had nothing really relevant to the story at the time.

It was also really confusing, you need to be more clear when you write, especially when nararating a story. Remember, your trying to keep the story understandable to everyone, not just a few people(Notice how you mentioned magma cum laude, younger readers may not understand what that means)...

These are just a few examples. I am sure there are many more. However, don't feel bad, just keep note of a few pointers and work on them...

1. Keep your story on topic, make sure you don't go babbling off that kittens(Without saying why) has a great influence on your experiment then never mention them again(Just an example)

2. Keep your story in a good order. Make sure you only state something about your experiment once, or people will think you hit a slow start so you slightly reworded something stated earlier to make it look informative.

3. Please, be as clear as possible. Try your hardest to use higher vocabulary, but keep it so that any one of all ages can not only understand what you mean, but will also be able to read through your story smoothly without having to stop and slowly re-read.

^ Remember these for the next story your narrating...

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The next thing you should seriously work on is your spelling and grammar...I may sound like a hypocrite, as I am not the best with English.

You will have to know that you NEVER start a sentence with "But", as well as changing the words you start your sentence with at last every so often. You have some highly mispelled words and odd sentences.(I'll give some examples later)

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I'll finish my review at a later time, just wanted to let you know someones going to review your pasta..For now  work on those things. Then when I post the rest of my review, you can work on some of the others as well.

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