Talk:Not Running Anymore/@comment-5699173-20140315070301

Not bad, but there's no need to say the character's ages and appearances right after you introduce them. If you're gonna describe your characters, I'd recommend doing it before giving their names, and just leaving age out of it, unless it's the narrator estimating the character's age, for example "he/she looked to be about (insert age here)."

Also, why's the military coming to his house? Did he signal for help? If so, that kind of contradicts his statement about people being a liability. If the story were longer and had him changing his mind, it could work, but that's not the case here.

Overall, not bad for a first-time effort. Keep it up! 6/10