Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170729110225/@comment-32461413-20170803134648

That was quite a twist. From the beginning when Jackson mentioned "the secret," I could only feel uncomfortable just guessing what he meant by that. Turns out, it was what I thought it was. I must say, for such a disturbing thing to happen, this is well written. I have some notes for improvement however, but generally, you're in good shape here.

I mentioned how "the secret" caused me speculate that something wrong was going on. I feel that statement calls too much attention to itself. It was like right away, I found out what would happen at the end. I would work in something more subtle.

I would stick with just one name for Jackson. It's alright if July refers to him as Jacky, but when the writing itself flip flops between Jackson and Jacky, it is a bit distracting.

When you establish a character, there is a lesser need to use the character's name. When Jackson goes into town, you write his name in several places where you could just use a pronoun instead.

In the beginning, you used the word "formerly" when you actually meant to use the word "formally."

You also slipped up in a place or two and used the wrong form of "you're."

Whenever you switch speakers, you always start a new paragraph. While you're pretty on the ball with that, there are a few areas where you forgot to do such.

While I think the story is dark enough for the wiki. My main concern is the subject matter. Child abuse and rape are touchy subjects for some people who have experienced it. I would suggest, if you were to post this, to have some sort of content warning.