Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27905100-20160404181825/@comment-25763427-20160412224322

1; Well done! The story is much more logical and well put together. I think there are a couple sentences that need re-working so that they are less clunky, but otherwise, you have a pretty good narrative. In terms of story changes, I would only suggest that you end the story on "Hope you locked your door." I know that you want to jump back into the real world, following the note, but unless you want a longer ending, with a little bit of chasing and maybe some hiding-based tension, then I suggest that you end it there.

2; You still have a variety of errors. There's a sentence which doesn't have a period, there's a sentence which ends in an illogical fashion, and there are some issues with past and present tense. One more read through ought to fix it.

3; The introduction seems a little bit strange and too short. Why not have George come home from work (or something to that effect), relax to some TV, and then realize that he didn't check the mail, and then find the note. I would advise that you remove "and he starts to read" and replace it with something which flows better with the narrative. Also, describe the handwriting. Whoever this person is, they probably have a distinct way of going about things and details always help.

4; While I appreciate you trying to shed light on the healthcare system (and trust me, I hate the way it's set up), your tangent about the old bum's heart feels a bit like a derail, as well as information which doesn't build the atmosphere, but instead confuses the reader ("How does the murderer know this?" etc.). I suggest you remove that tidbit or at least re-work it.

Keep up the good work, your one or two drafts away from a great story! :)