Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20180921153801/@comment-5733573-20180923023906

The plot isn't bad. Some aspects of it need a little strengthening. For instance, usually when a building is going up in a heavily populated area there are signs absolutely everywhere saying what it will be and what it will do. I think you should use this as a way to make the game vision thing seem really appealing to people. I also think the surgical aspect should be something that that main character doesn't learn about until its too late. Like he's all excited about trying out new technology and the next thing he knows he's been knocked out and wakes up after surgery. Also, on the note of the surgery, don't just throw it away. It felt like he had the surgery against his will and was just kind of okay with it. There should be way more tension there. Finally, with regard to plot, having the doctor go by her first name makes her too sympathetic. It feels like you want her to be cold and mysterious, so I would avoid the whole "Susan" thing.

That was plot. Execution is a bit of a different story. It's messy at the moment. There are some grammatical things, but more than that, some of the sentences just feel awkward. I would advise reading this out loud to yourself and seeing where the awkwardness is. Then, while you're cleaning it up, be more thoughtful about some of your word choices. There were times when the wording you used didn't match the tone you were going for. Finally, please fix the tense shift that happens at the end. It's extremely jarring.

Apart from all of these things, I really quite liked the story. I thought it was fun to read and the characters' emotions came through very clearly. Nice job there.