Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26644104-20151224170047/@comment-25763427-20190409211312

You need to be less obvious with your narration, for instance, you mention the specific issue the narrator has with his teeth, twice. You only need to say that stuff once. The pattern with which you write is "Statement. Statement. Statement." You need to break it up by speaking in a more casual way and using sentiment and personality to make us care more about the narrator and his mom. You need to separate the dialogue from the rest of the paragraphs, each piece of dialogue is supposed to be it's own paragraph. I would recommend you have a little more dialogue, maybe describe some of the people at the dentist's office. Adding details to the story increases immersion. Immersion makes the story scarier.

You should remove the "tod = death" twist ending. It doesn't really add anything to the story and it doesn't make sense. Instead, the dentist's office should have a cute, unassuming name, that's a lot scarier. You also will want to tone down the ghosts in some parts. Don't have it that a bloody ghost just suddenly shows up, have it that we hear some noises, think there's an extra person in the room (like you did), those kinds of subtle touches are creepier than jumping the gun. Then, if you want, you can have that build up release with the narrator visiting the graveyard while his mother is in the operation, and then he can see a ghost or have a ghostly conversation. Also, you don't stay awake during anesthetic, so I would recommend you have that he was visiting with a friend (more chances to establish character and likability), who drove him home while he was all drugged up, and who later tells him he was babbling about ghosts while he was on the drugs.