Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26072487-20151107131803/@comment-27012445-20151112225905

Dude, the writing quality is not bad at all. You have what a lot of people struggle with, and that is the ability to portray the voice of the story. The reader can hear the voice of the character as they read. That's what is called be immersed in the story. You definitely have that, now it just a matter of developing a story around that. What is tricky is that you have to continually asked yourself, "does this make sense?" or "Is this realistic?" in a fantasy world on the nonsensical and unrealistic. Start simple, you have a supernatural, scary, or paranormal event. You have your protagonist. When they cross paths, what happens and keep asking yourself, "do the decisions my character make sense?" And ask yourself, "do the reactions of my character from said event merit those action?" If they don't then the reader will reject the concept as seen with the cause of the suicides in this story. I hope that helps.