Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25891880-20150213234540/@comment-26104087-20150214001503

Here are a few sentences in which I spotted mistakes:

"...to take some medicine, before I went to school."- take out the comma so this doesn't seem like a run-on sentence.

" I was getting very tired of the headaches so I got my mother to take me to a doctor and figure out what was up with me."- If s/he has had this extreme headache for more than a day, there is no way his/her parents would wait so long to take him/her to the doctor.

" but I was more scared than they."- May have been a typo, but change it to 'them'.

" I started to sneeze a lot; which was no surprise to me, since my dad had mowed the lawn the other day."- Either change it to 'this was no surprise' and keep the semicolon or change it to a comma and restructure the sentence.

" I thought it was a tick."- I think you should take this out, because there is really no purpose & it's awkward.

"I showed and asked my mother what was happening"- Change this to something along the lines of 'I showed my mother the bug and asked her what was happening'. Also, put an adjective or two somewhere in the paragraph to emphasize how freaked out/scared s/he must be.

" I went in to the room then I was startled at what I saw." Add a comma or change the 'then' to an 'and'.

Regarding the story, I think the main character is definitely underreacting. Try to elaborate on what s/he is feeling throughout the story in order to bring in the reader more. Another problem you have is the general creepiness factor- yeah, the bugs are creepy, but the story really had no impact. Experiment with different endings and try adding details that could make the story a lot more unnerving.