Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27452101-20160515130102/@comment-25569708-20160516193700

Hello AGirlCalledKeranique! Thesplitpersonality710 has already made some good points already, but there are some other things I think you should be aware of. Firstly I'll list a couple errors, which will be in bold. Use Ctrl+F to find the things I'll be referencing here:

"My house was a little isolated; with only two houses on either sides of me." "sides should be "side".

"I decided to call someone from the nearby plumbing department, just because I have never seen this red liquid." "have" should be "had".

Okay, now let's talk about the important issues in your story, the awkwardly-worded sentences:

"I had a big well in the back as well." Well well well, don't you think those are too many "well"s?

"helping the water in the pipes stay all year". I'm not exactly sure what you mean here, is the well causing the water to stay in the pipes?

"I've lived with my mother and father until I was twenty, where I decided to go off to college for four years, and nobody knew who was the one causing the leakage, but we all dealed with it." Run-on sentence, and awkward wording. I don't think you need to insert the "college" part in the middle of this sentence.

"I figured out that I was the one that was causing the leakage". Figured out? That means that he is saying that he himself is the one causing the leak. I am assuming you meant to leave the "out" out.

"I knew it wasn't blood because it was not coming out in chunks, instead it was liquidy and fast moving". Wouldn't blood itself just be... blood? With no "chunks"? And you already mention the liquid being a "reddish liquid", so there is no need to call it "liquidy".

"it was a former guy who used to bully me in elementary through middle school, his name being Jack. I decided to take him upstairs to the bathroom, showing him the reddish liquid". This is just a very weirdly-worded sentence.

"We decided to go outside to the well. Both of us looked into the well, with Jack seeing the bodies that I killed, as the rotting corpses brought out a stench that would make you vomit, but I did not vomit. Jack thought I was going crazy, and pushed me. Eventually, I pushed him backwards, with Jack falling into the well, as I heard a loud crack and some moaning as he hit the bottom". Many problems with this paragraph. Firstly, this guy didn't kill "bodies", he killed people. And the stench wouldn't make me vomit, it would make anybody vomit. And why did Jack think the protagonist was "going crazy"? Wouldn't just assume the protagonist was crazy? The pushing fight scene also was worded rather awkwardly.

"One day, however, in the beginning of September, the toilet was leaking a reddish liquid. I knew it was blood because I killed Jack, and it was coming out in chunks and moving slowly. I smiled at the sight of this, due to me finally getting revenge on one school bully." Another awkward sentence.

"Hey, I know a guy who used to pick on me as well in middle school, I'll call him! He is a plumber." This is just a weird way to end the story, because the protagonist suddenly starts talking to himself/the reader. Once again, awkward.

Okay, now let's talk about the pasta itself. Unfortunately, though this is just a micropasta, there are a lot of issues here. In addition to what I have pointed out above, the writing here just feels very choppy and fragmented. There is really no scare-factor here. The narrator has a problem with stuff in his toilet for years, so now after many years he calls a plumber that just so happens to be a past school bully, bodies are revealed in a well, the narrator kills the guy, and then he says that he wants to kill another plumber that just so happens to be a past school bully. I'm sorry, but there really is not much here that currently works. The reveal about the bodies was actually a little interesting to me, but even then it is not very original.

If you are going to rewrite this story, then I would suggest rewriting the entire thing completely, as the awkward/choppy writing really causes the story to suffer. You will probably need to start over from scratch, as this story will need a lot of work.

I hope my feedback helps you with this story and any future ones by you, as well as your growth as a writer. Good luck, fellow Creeper!