Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32621845-20170719134144/@comment-32461413-20170719153814

Interesting concept.

I feel there is context to quite a bit that is missing. What exactly are the planes? The protagonist mentions ascending and descending them, but never really says what they are. I found myself confused the whole time about what exactly he was trying to do. Some explanation of what these planes are will be helpful. Additionally, why does he want to descend down the planes? He does this research but why? I feel there is a huge chunk missing out of the story that explains these things. You also mention an old book, but leave very little information to what it is. Also, what is a red wrath? There are many things that you mention, but leave little description or explanation.

Why would the protagonist think that summoning an ancient clown demon would be the best solution? Did he exhaust all other options? There is no real reason as to why the clown demon would be the ideal solution; it almost flies in out of the blue. There needs to be reason as to why specifically the clown demon would be the answer. Perhaps you could list other options the protagonist tried but failed and as a last resort tried summoning the clown demon. You also should introduce it better, what exactly is it? How many eyes does it have? You have "3(4)" but I don't exactly understand what you mean by that.

The tense changes quite a lot. The story seems to be in the past tense, but it switches to the present tense. This is the best example I could find of this: "I jolt (jolted)  to action taking (and took) the lantern and getting out (got out) of the house as I see (saw) it collapse (collapsed) into itself, strange I thought, I thought (the "thoughts" are the only part of this correct)!" Make sure if it is in the past tense, that everything is in the past tense.

A clown and a jester are not the same. You describe more of a jester than a clown. Jesters, while technically existed in ancient times, did not exist in the same way you describe here. You describe more a medieval style Jester.

Read your story out loud to catch some poor wording moments. "I was sure that I did the ritual wrongly (incorrectly) to go back to the real world to read to old book to see if I did anything wrong." " I have my whole house as stronghold of sorts (weak) to protect me." "It really did started to close in on me (sentence needs to completely be rewritten in the correct tense"

You also have some pretty lengthy sentences. For some perspective, this is the entire second sentence:

"Let me tell you how I spent my lovely afternoon, after reaching rock bottom in my research on how to ascend to lower planes I have decided that it will be a splendid idea to summon an ancient clown-demon, I have got to say, looking back it wasn’t the brightest idea but I was desperate for new material to investigate, desperate to get out of this “wall” that I have reached and so I did it, I summoned IT and I faced consequence, at first it wasn’t such a bad thing, all I needed to do is exactly what the old book says and I won’t fail at summoning the jester and hurt myself badly, I was surprised to discover all I need to do is a pack of cards and to somehow set up a chair in the gray deserts of Severa, after that I just need to invite him by doing something ridiculous like throwing a water balloon at a red wrath or smashing myself with a cream pie, of course I choose the latter as it was fairly more easier, and not life threatening."

That is a pretty lengthy run-on. There are more than just that however, so be sure to look out for those.

Ascension is moving up (reference to "after reaching rock bottom in my research on how to ascend (sic) to lower planes"). You should have used the word "descend." Ascending to lower planes is essentially saying moving up to lower planes, which doesn't make any sense.

You also missed a period at the very end. "My head still hurts(.)"

Because of some of the grammatical mistakes, I would suggest using Grammarly.

Overall, you have quite a bit to work on. Both storywise and grammar wise. I think you have a good idea, it just needs some work to explain some loose ends and to improve the readibility. I suggest doing all of that before going onto the deletion appeal.



