Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20190329084135/@comment-9041013-20190329194726

It does come off like you were putting a dream onto paper. It's not exactly a good idea to take your exact dream and write it down. Even if this wasn't the intention, it's something you should remember. Dreams are really messy and don't make all the sense in the world, you want your stories to make as much sense as possible wherever possible.

The story is quite disorganized and it feels like there were a bunch of ideas in your head that you wrote down one after the other, because there are lapses in information that pull the reader out. Like, why did he move, why did he keep on spending all of his free time in that bar, why would he run upstairs during a fire, why would he come back to the building after leaving?

All of these things kind of kill the story.

So figure out some more meat for that, and maybe switch around the fire angle to something else, something that doesn't feel out of place and it could work. You can also kind of work around the horror factor with this glassy man too, maybe his actual face being so scary it mentally scars people, maybe it's something under his coat, you know... it has potential.