Talk:Day of the Lords/@comment-25941663-20161028161556

"He knocked on the it" - Is that what you wanted to write? ---

The counting down scene where Luke contemplates his decision was fantastic. With every number a change of mind and a new direction of thinking. Really nice touch. Another nice touch was the mention of the character wearing the rabbit mask as 'rabbit'. It added an air of mystery to the character.

The ending was fantastic. The "good" guy receives something that swings him to the dark side. But we don't get to see what it is, and you make a point of it. Another wonderful little detail.

Onwards to the "games".

The first one was a nice introduction to the concept. It hammered in the hopelessness and helplessness of the situation. The second was the most hard hitting of the three. Especially since you had established a connection between George and Luke. The third one was very creepy, although it was a bit rushed. I would have liked it a bit longer.

My main problem with the games is this: They are not in an order of increasing tension. The second should have been last, and the last second. You established a concrete connection between George and Lucas, but for the climax you didn't use it. Instead you threw in the ex-girlfriend who you had mentioned briefly in a paragraph at the beginning. If the two games were swapped this would have been a great story.

Also, this did have quite a few mistakes that I had to edit out. I understand this was for a competition so time was of the essence, but it needed another read-through or two.

All in all, very good story. I enjoyed it very much, but I would have enjoyed it more if the games were ascending to the climax, instead of the ups and downs in tension.

Great work!