Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25622972-20141106172525/@comment-25051266-20141106220002

There are a lot of grammatical mistakes and problems though I like the concept.

First of all the story feels very rushed and all the events appear to happen to quickly, also it'd be nice if we saw the mother more.

Secondly you keep on switching from past to present tense, which doesn't seem to make any sense. Either he is narrating the story all in past tense, or is narrating as the events unfold, not both. From what it appears, the narrator is talking about a past event so you should change all of it to past tense.

The ending also doesn't seem to make any sense, how does the narrator know and can say so surely that his mother was a victim? Also the mother, as said previously, needs more develompment in order to create sympathy at the end. I had next to no emotion when I discovered she was a supposed victim because we only barely knew her as a character.

Also why do you need the dates? It plays out like a normal story so you should remove the dates completely.

Overall the pasta needs a lot of work, but a good effort with a neat concept.