Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160525134656

So this is my second story. It follows a similar style to my previous entry, but tries for something a bit more complex, and a lot less supernatural. I'm very interested in knowing whether the end twist is clear, and sign posted in a way that removes unnecessary ambiguity. Also, I don't like the length, I feel it's too long. So any advice on areas/sections that are unnecessary, and could be removed, would be much appreciated.

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''The following papers were retrieved from the residence of Sheriff Lettle shortly after his suicide in 2015. While no active criminal investigation is on-going, it is believed that his suicide was related to accusations of incompetence and corruption by Arthur and Harriet Holloway after a heavily worn and blood stained sneaker was discovered in a nearby quarry. DNA testing revealed that the sneaker belonged to one Simon Holloway, who has been missing for six years, and that the blood deposited was fresh. On-going investigations are being performed by the FBI in order deal with town complaints that Sheriff Lettle intentionally hid the details of the investigation from the rest of the force, as well as the family of Simon Holloway. Of utmost concern to this investigation is that some of these papers were found partially burned, suggesting Sheriff Lettle had attempted to destroy evidence of his collusion, conspiracy, and incompetence. And that, even worse, he might have intentionally hid evidence that would help us in finding Simon Holloway.''

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Attention All Officers,

I have been instructed to make the following details, and instructions, available to all members of staff in this building by Sheriff Callahun.

Simon Holloway went missing on the 13th July 2009, in our town, Denton, Minnesota, sometime between 0600 and 0630 hours. CCTV footage was obtained showing him driving past the small gas station on the outskirts of the town, near the Marshall family ranch, at 0198 hours. Similarly metadata records show that Simon sent an email to an IP address matching that of his close friend, Andrew Tallow at around 0043 that same evening, although Andrew has refused to reveal the contents of this email. At 0628 hours Annie Marshall, a resident of the nearby ranch, on her morning jog, noticed the sound of music coming from a nearby thicket in the woods, where she found Simon’s car, still running. His keys were still in the ignition, and his phone was later found by investigating officers in the foot well of the car.

Once again metadata records show that Simon Holloway’s iPhone received an SMS message at 0558 hours that same morning, but the handset itself does not report a new message, indicating that the message was received and read. Therefore the evidence strongly suggests that Simon Holloway was abducted sometime after the SMS was received, but before Annie found his car still running. Current theories suggest the abduction occurred relatively close to the SMS being read, as this would provide the abductor sufficient time to subdue Simon, a healthy seventeen year old boy with a history in football, before driving away without drawing attention from Annie, who could have been no more than a mile or two away.

As it stands the best source of evidence is likely to be found in either Simon’s iPhone, or laptop. Simon’s iPhone is protected by a fingerprint reader, which without either a significant increase in funds and resources, or a direct copy of Simon Holloway’s fingerprints, cannot be accessed by this department. Until then all police officers in this department, regardless of association with the case, are free to attempt to crack or guess the password on Simon Holloway’s laptop using any means available. The laptop does not penalise failed attempts, and so everyone is strongly encouraged to make as many guesses, or attempts, as they see fit, as it remains our best chance of knowing exactly why Simon was in the woods at such a peculiar time. If you do crack the password you are to immediately form either myself, or my superior Sheriff Calluhun, but under no circumstances are you to investigate the laptop by yourself.

Signed,

Sgt. Lettle, August 13th 2009.

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Phil, I don’t know how the hell you worked out that password! Jesus Christ, boy, you are one smart little fucker and I just want to commend you on a job well done. Every cop in this department has spent at least two hours trying to guess that thing, and I’d pretty much figured we’d never know. So great job, but before this goes further we need to talk, in person. Until then I have written this letter, and given it you, so that I might make three things clear to you.

First. Tomorrow, I will be temporarily promoting you. Come into work and come straight into my office. I won’t say nothing, you just come in, and you pick up that laptop on my desk, if you want. If you do, I’ll take that as you accepting your promotion. If you solve this case, the promotion will become permanent. Might I also remind you that I have been picked out as Sheriff Calluhun's replacement, so this would be a great way to build up your career path.

Second, if you do take the case, don’t leave that laptop unattended anywhere. In your house, on your desk, in your car, because I've only had the chance to do some quick investigation, but boy, I have never seen so much fucking kiddie porn in the entire of my God damned life! It’s a small town, and until we know exactly what’s going on I do not want either you or Simon Holloway being associated with any weirdness unless we’re damn sure.

Third thing is, destroy this letter. If you don’t it could come back and bite us all in the ass because we haven’t exactly followed protocol with this disappearance, what with leaving evidence out in the God damned canteen! And worse still, a lot of the others might not like you getting promoted because you know how to use a computer while they’re still trying to figure out how to program a VCR. So for your sake, and mine, keep this promotion quiet till we figure out exactly why that boy was in the woods. You work that out, and then you can go public.

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Sir, I thought I’d print these out for you. I know how you hate emails, so I thought I’d get something physical for you instead. Like you asked, I’ve spent the last three weeks searching through that boy’s computer and there was a lot more than just kiddie porn. Couple of videos of men, speaking Russian – I think – doing things I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get out my head. Couple more folders filled with pictures of things I didn’t really understand at first, but they made a bit of sense once I realised they weren’t whole pieces of just one person. Now I’ve done a lot of looking around, and I couldn’t really explain it to you simply, but you just need to understand that these pictures weren’t taken by Simon with a camera. Although they were downloaded, and viewed, an awful lot by him.

<p class="MsoNormal">Thing is though, they ain’t the scariest part, sir. It was a text file that scared me the most. I’ll give you a quick extract.

<p class="MsoNormal">9th June 2009 2348 – Annie goes to bed.

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 2009 0012 – Annie switches off her light. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 2009 0248 – Annie switches on her light. [Maybe toilet trip?]''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 2009 0251 – Annie returns, switches light off. [Def toilet trip]''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 2009 0512 – Annie is woken up by her mother. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 0542 – Annie is eating breakfast. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 0601 – Annie goes outside and walks around back of house. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''10th June 0648 – Annie returns, out of breath, sweat patches on pits and back of neck. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Sir, there were dozens of these files. And they just go on and on, constantly noting all sorts of things about this girl and her routine. I found notes on where he hid to watch her, on what cereal she ate, on what clothes she wore and when, on when and where she worked on the ranch, on what subjects she took and her timetable in school. My guess is he’d been watching this girl for a few months. We’ve all seen weird shit like this before, it’s just normally on the laptop of the guy we arrest, not the laptop of the guy we’re trying to help. So, I guess I’ll just skip to the worst part. One of the places where Simon did his spying, was the same thicket where we found his car all those months ago, and his last entry was the night before he went missing.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Sir, I found it. I had to crack his email this time, but I found it. It doesn’t make a lot of sense why Andrew Tallow wouldn’t turn it over to you. I think he may have wanted to protect his friend and I can see why. After reading all the sick shit this kid wrote, I gotta be honest, if it wasn’t for my promotion, I don’t think I’d bother looking too hard! I’d leave the little shit in the woods. I’ll show you one example, down below, it’s the most important I reckon, cause it was the one he sent before going missing.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Andrew, 

<p class="MsoNormal">''I just want to say thank you. You’ve been the closest friend I’ve ever had and I don’t know if I could do this without you. It’s incredible. You’ve helped me see so clearly just by listening, and not judging. And you’re right, we should all just accept each other for what we are, same way you’ve accepted me for what I am. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Same way Annie will accept me too. I found a place down by the quarry. It’s quiet, real quiet, and I reckon no one will hear us down there. You were right about no one going down to that part, about it giving plenty of room for what I wanna do. I even found a reinforced steel pipe I could tie her to, and with the cable ties you gave me I’ll think I’ll be able to keep her down there until she finally sees me for what I am. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Her saviour. Saviour from sins of the flesh. She doesn’t need no fuckin’ Trevor to feel special. She needs me. A real man. A woman needs force, Dad taught me that, and I’ll teach her. And she’ll get used to it ‘cause that’s just how a woman works, you know? They respond to the force. They respond to the flesh. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''And if she doesn’t, well that’s why you gave me the other stuff right? Sometimes the best thing to do is push people through the fear, and through the pain. And that stuff should really help me show her pain. How did you even think of that!? Either way I’m really excited. Fuck man! I never even thought of half those things, and I think of this stuff all the time! You’re the best friend a guy like me could have.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''So yeah… she’ll love me. Or she won’t. That’s how good I am, you know? It doesn’t matter if she screams, or cums, or hits me or spits on me. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''I’ll be good to her. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''I’ll be so, so good to her. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''P.S Thanks for the air pump, pretty sick idea you had on how to use it! Lol.''

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Phil, you can consider this case closed. Don’t go speaking to David Marshall, or Andrew. I know what you’re thinking, that he probably found that boy trying to hurt his girl and overreacted, but don’t. He didn’t do this. He couldn’t have possibly known if that happened, it was miles away, and Annie didn’t have a scratch on her. If you go speak to him about something that happened years ago you will only make it much, much worse. That man has a temper, and he’s a damn pillar of the community so you’ll only just piss everyone else off too. Just be glad you were so clever, and helped work out why Simon was in those woods. You were instrumental in providing us evidence on all that computer business you’re so good at, and so much time has passed I think you’ve earned that promotion without anyone having to ask why.

<p class="MsoNormal">I think you’re a fantastic police officer, and you have a bright future in this department. But you better put all this to rest, return the laptop, and leave it all dead, okay?

<p class="MsoNormal">If anyone ever asks how you helped, you say you didn’t do anything except teach this old man how to open an excel file, and explained what myspace was. You didn’t investigate, you didn’t collect evidence, you didn’t do squat. Pick up this letter, burn the dead drop. Come see me tomorrow.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">''[Numerous pages of the following interview were found burnt in Sheriff Tettle’s back yard. Ongoing investigation may yet reveal whether there was any further information in the completely destroyed pages. As it remains there are three or four pages that investigators could clearly read, but only the following section was deemed relevant to the investigation against Sheriff Tettle.]''

<p class="MsoNormal">Sheriff Tettle,

<p class="MsoNormal">[Attached as a sticky note: As requested I managed to retrieve the documents you asked for. We had to get rid of all the old stuff years ago, so all our cassettes went missing with them, but I managed to find some transcripts of the interviews you did when Simon Holloway first disappeared all them years back. Hope you find what you’re looking for - Love Beatrice}

<p class="MsoNormal">Interview transcript 14th July 2009

<p class="MsoNormal">''Sgt.Lettle interviewing officer. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Andrew Tallow interview subject.

<p class="MsoNormal">''[The first few pages of the interview were destroyed in the fire set by Sheriff Tettle. The following pages, however, remain legible]''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Andrew: Sir, I know what you’re saying but that email, I deleted it! It was corrupted by a viral interface in the server matrix. It was just gibberish when I got it.''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: (sighs heavily) I wouldn’t know about any of that stuff boy… you sure there ain’t nothing you could do for us? ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Andrew: Sir, I’m positive. Simon was my best friend, the person I looked up to the most. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: I get that boy… I do. A young man needs a close friend! (sighs) I’m sorry about Simon.''

<p class="MsoNormal">Andrew: What do you mean, sir? I know he ain’t been found but surely…

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: Boy, I ain’t gonna talk shit to you. I might've lied to his mother, but us men, we gotta speak honestly to one another, haven’t we?''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Andrew: Y.. yes sir. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: Andrew, Simon ain’t alive. Chances are he got attacked. Maybe he argued with his folks, maybe a girlfriend you didn’t know about. But, for whatever reason he went out into those woods, and whether it was someone with bad intentions, or just a bear that was hungry, well he’s gone now. I gotta say… people don’t tend to survive for long out there. We got 12, maybe even 48 hours at best… but I don’t think we’re gonna find him that quickly, if we find him at all. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Andrew: Sir… I think you’re right about finding him. And, maybe he’s alive, maybe he’s dead... but I believe in God, and I believe that wherever he may be, that Simon is with someone who’ll love him. Someone who will be good to him. Who will be so, so good to him...''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: I hear you. I think the Lord Jesus will be good to him too, Andrew. Now you go home, your mother must be worried sick. Oh… and Andrew, you can pick up your tools from the front desk. What are you working on exactly?''

<p class="MsoNormal">Andrew: Oh, a basketball hoop for my little sister, sir! 

<p class="MsoNormal">''Interviewer: Ah, well you best take all your cable ties and power tools then. And don’t forget the air pump.''

<p class="MsoNormal">[end of transcript] <ac_metadata title="Be Good To Him"> </ac_metadata>