Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25581534-20141214041230/@comment-24281984-20141214185341

I noticed some problems with the writing itself. You need to make a new indent every time someone new speaks; the way it’s written here is kind of hard to read. Also, don’t use ellipses unless they’re used in dialogue- in narrative there’s almost no place to put them and they very easily get overused. At best it’s a lazy way to increase suspense, at worst it’s repetitive and weak enough to be annoying to the reader.

Aside from that, I really don’t have much to say about this. The story wasn’t very long and the way it was written came off as pretty boring. It’s just something happens-something else happens-something else happens. There’s little imagery and not much imagination in the writing, it’s like reading a summary of everything that happened. On top of that, the ending is predictable and the plot’s pretty generic, which doesn’t help to make this story any more engaging or creepy. I know this is something you created a while ago, but I think you should give it a complete rewrite if you do plan on submitting it.