Talk:My Baby/@comment-10950063-20140129225226/@comment-10950063-20140131180452

The back half of the story could really use some trimming and tightening. The prose really obscures the story. It's really just general cutting and re-arranging. When I glanced at this when it was first posted, I stopped at the second paragraph. It was obviously well written, but over written.

"Butterscotch streelamp" is a great image, but the first two grafs are so relentless. Get rid of that sentence and move that phrase down to the third graf where the light gets mentioned again. "Little pinhole burns scatter across our sheets like constellations from the ashes that didn’t make it to their final resting place in the crystalline ashtray with the little chip on the side." Again, great image, but it should be clipped after "constellations."

It's just stuff like that. Not really any specific areas, just a general issue.