Talk:My Friend's Family/@comment-25164219-20140711220432

Not bad, if I had to point out one thing it's that you seem a little too focused on the sequence of events as they go and not enough descriptions of feeling. How scared was your protagonist? Shaking? A lump in his throat? About ready to piss himself?

I think you're off to a decent start, if you take the time to go back and give us more details of how the sequence of events directly affects the protagonist, it would read much better.