User blog comment:With Teeth/Pasta Opinions/@comment-5227285-20140330184830

The stories a good start. I have no formal writting experience, but I have read a lot. PSychologists, therapist, and the like, don't just say they can't help, they'll recommend another doctor of a help group, or give medicine prescriptions. Maybe show us some of the appointments, they don't have to be too detailed, just have him go, then have him be sent around to other doctors, and groups. Maybe have him go out of town. Also show us some instances where his mental issues flared up and caused large problems for him.

Also, the killer is rather cliched. Maybe make him a little bit more rational, give him a reason other than to do the evuls for the bluuuuds. Maybe he's a cultist, maybe his reasons should be hinted at but not directly stated, leaving an air of unease and uncertainty, example of such Slender man, "he" has no real motive, but his association with missing kids gives us the idea he might kill them, eat them, or do something worse. HAve your killer be something like that. Maybe he wants the protagonist for reasons. Say he needs his skin, or he might want his teeth, or maybe he just is blank. Maybe have your killer not outright just try to kill, try to build up an air of paranoia. And maybe when the protagonist, Sam, is out he feels like he's being followed, instead of a cloak, maybe just make it a normal looking guy. OR something less out of place. Or make him look normal, so normal infact, it's odd. Like the uncanny valley.

Anyways, try posting in the writers workshop for more professional feedback.