Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140902064431/@comment-24996913-20140902084140

Banningk1979 wrote: Okay, let's pop some popcorn, paint our nails, play some Backstreet Boys and have ourselves an old fashioned girl's night....in review form!

What went right:

-If I had to describe your writing style, I would call you a conceptual master. You bring new and original concepts to this site with your stories. Anyone can write a blood and gore, stalker in the woods type of story, but you consistently produce strong, character driven stories that need no cliché plot devices to hammer home the goods.

-You also seem to rely on realistic aspects to tell your stories. Depression seems to be the order in this one, and that is something that most all of us can relate to. I think, no matter how normal anyone might seem on the outside, can always remember back to a time when they felt weak, vulnerable and just plain depressed. You touched down on those concepts perfectly here, and used that to produce an excellent story.

As for what can be improved:

-The nature of the two friends felt rushed into the story. At first, they seemed like just another pair of friends to help this poor girl out, but you tipped your hat very abruptly with the dialogue. Honestly, by the third line of the slumber party scene, I knew that one girl was an angel and one was a demon. I would revise that a bit, slow down the dialogue and not make it obvious until the end. That should pack a twist that will leave most readers stunned and satisfied.

-While I honestly am no fan of cliff hanger endings, I almost feel that would work here. She has an angel on one side and a demon on the other. The pills represent damnation. I would also create a plot device that would represent salvation. Perhaps you could turn the therapist into salvation. She has his phone number in one hand, the pills in the other. Does she choose to reach out to the therapist for help, really embrace the healing, or does she choose the pills? You could almost end on that note, leaving the reader to decide which direction she chose.

Overall though, this is another excellent story. I've said this before, your writing has a very professional feel to it. Keep going, because you have a gift for this.

I absolutely agree with everything you said. I did sort of rush the two characters a bit because I didn't want to drag out my story (as I'm told the dialogue can get boring). But, for this story, I did feel I could've made it less obvious that they were representatives of good and evil (Jessie= Jesus with a twist and Lucille= lucifer). And I realllllllyy like your suggestion with the therapists number. I will surely factor that in to sort of give the reader a chance to decide which ending they imagine happens. Thanks a lot for the feedback. You're always very helpful!