Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180613055407/@comment-35711173-20180616000733

Jdeschene wrote: Honestly, it's got the same issues as before. Here's some more specific things I want to point out:

- For God's sake, leave race out of it. There is literally never a good or story-related reason for you to specify a character's race here, and it comes across as negative stereotyping.

- Too much time is spent with the blood pressure patient at the beginning. Think about the one or two points you need to establish with that scene and leave the rest.

- So much of this reads like a lesson in how things are done in the ER. The purpose of this should be to tell the story, not show us how much you know about the way at ER is run.

- I've said this before, but if you can't bring yourself to change details or otherwise build a fictional story from your memories, rather than writing down exactly what happened as it happened in real life, then this may not be the forum for you. Assuming this story relies heavily on actual memories, it doesn't work by itself as a creepypasta. You have to take artistic license.

I hope this was helpful.

Jdeschene,

As usual, your advice is extremely inciteful. I have taken the first two points to heart. I have kept "Asian" as that is treatment relevant but all other references to race have been removed. The high blood pressure patient is now no longer shown. We just have a line or two about charting the patient, no more.

That's half of your points. Your fourth point is correct. I have to be able to turn a historical event into good fiction. This is the place I intend to learn it.

As for the third point, the first patient is all but eliminated. I don't see how I can cut much back on the third. That leaves treatment of Billy. Right now, I have about 350 words from the beginning of the paragraph after he recognizes it's Billy to him notifying the neurosurgery group. How much of those 350 words do you feel need to be cut to make it have a chance at being a good CreepyPasta?