Talk:Bitter Candy/@comment-35711173-20181016180542

Kolpic,

" labored breathing interspersed with erratic gasps." is clinically correct but boring. How does it sound to you? Why is it creepy to you? Make us feel that emotion.

He would be hit by thirst, probably before hunger even.

He would be dirtying his diapers soon.

I suggest checking for the symptoms of a black widow or brown recluse bite, then make us feel them. There's nothing like good necrosis, seizures and coma to give an added bit of horror.