Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26142236-20150308133143/@comment-25148755-20150309030455

I'll help you out. It'll be easier to rewrite it and fix it for you then to point everything out.

Earlier this week, my sister and I went to the local park, Bear Creek, for a few hours. The park was empty, except for one young girl. She was wearing a black and white hoodie and had mud smeared all over her jeans. She was holding a stick. I lost track of her and assumed she had wandered into the forest behind the park. I didn't see her again until about two hours later when we went to go home. I noticed she was standing in the same spot as before, staring coldly at us as we left.

The next morning, on my way to the bus stop, I noticed someone staring at me from across the street with a stick in her hand. It was the same girl from the park. A small smile on her face she whispered, "Sweet Dreams," and began walking towards me. I don't know why, but I something about this little girl terrified me. I turned and ran all the way to the bus stop hoping to find help. I looked back, only to find that the girl was gone. No one believes me about the girl across the street. I tried to tell my sister about her, but she says there was no one else in the park that day; just us. I wonder if I'll ever see that little girl again.

Ok, so that fixes all of the grammatical errors and a couple plot holes that you had. Even so...there's nothing terribly scary about this. A little unsettling maybe (I tried to work some creepy stuff in there without altering your original script too much) but there's really not enough of a story here to be truly scary. Bottom line, why were you running from this little girl with a stick? I dunno. I'd probably Spartan kick her. Anyways, hope it helps!