Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37123481-20181102131658/@comment-9041013-20181102205238

Well Ned kind of summed it up pretty well, your English is way off, use grammarly, for starters, and try to make sure it's on point on it's own from there on for future works, or just in general.

Plotwise it's just not serious enough, you'd have to go over this whole thing again and switch it up. Make it more subtle, add a lot of build and slowly reveal how a demon is killing a person rather than some incurable disease or what you have going on there as the demon's cover up. These stories require a lot of build to work properly and the demon should either be eerily none scary on the first glance, doing something so extraordinary that it freaks the readers out, or it has to be the most original monster you can come up with.

Basically, this needs a ton of work.