Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33239027-20171102082218/@comment-28266772-20171103145216

Hello, people on the interwebs! I work at what used to be called an insane asylum. Nowadays, we just call them Mental Health Centers. I won’t tell you which one, ‘cause I don’t want my ass getting canned. Anyways, I found something when helping maintenance clean up Chuckles’ room a year ago. ‘Chuckles’ is a nickname we gave one of the residents, and we’ll leave it at that. He left behind a notebook one of the therapists gave him. I took it home after we were done cleaning his room. Just recently, I cracked it open and started reading, because I don’t have a lot to do at home , and porn does get boring after a while. Even for a schizophrenic, though, there is some wild shit in here that someone else needs to see. So, I’ll just post it here and let you take a look. I know, sounds like a terrible thing to do, but I think he wanted someone to see it. Lucky you! Just pretend it’s all fictional if anybody asks. I like my job, after all. I’ve made this as readable as possible while transcribing. Fancy word, isn’t it? Oh, the names of staff and patients have been removed.

'[Jesus man, do you have something against commas? You’re abusing them like Kevin Spacey let loose at high-school wrestling locker room]'

Without further ado, here it goes:

Entry 1

I am not a human being. Human beings aren’t shoved away into comfortable prisons without having committed a crime. I have done nothing to hurt anyone. It’s just that the transmissions won’t stop. I don’t care about the state of man, how women, or boys who have not completed any trials of manhood are usurping man’s role in the world. They just won’t stop, droning on, and on about the State of the World [I get the stylistic choice but trying to turn The State of the World into a proper noun just doesn’t really work here]. These corrupt doctors watch me through the vent shafts, making me hurt when I find a way to ignore the transmissions. I am but a cog in someone else’s machine, a subhuman cog. I don’t deserve to be human. I am only a tool of others and I can’t break out. I deserve this fate, but I have done nothing.

Dr. [redacted] gave me this stupid notebook to write in. They know about the transmissions, and that is why they are watching me! It’s all part of the game I am forced to play with them. Most of them tell me that I should not focus so much on what they call hallucinations. If I were hallucinating, the voices would be talking to me, but instead it’s like a man on the radio just talking. They think I talk too much. God forbid anyone tell staff we are being treated like animals or that the side-effects of the medications are unbearable. A serious voice in the halls of madness might be too much for them, or so I gather from being told to “lighten up” all the damn time. They want me to be as quiet as [Patient J], who is too scared to make a peep. That’s the only reason for giving me something to write with in a hospital like this. I wish they would just own up to it.

So I am stuck. No one will read this.

Entry 2

Was I asleep the whole night? No. Couldn’t be. Nurse [redacted] took me out of my room and screamed at me in one of the offices. She told me if I would listen to broadcast more carefully I would know how to live outside these walls '[what? This sentence reads like it’s missing words] ; how to be a man [<-What does this even mean?]'. An orderly came and knocked on her door, I think to see what the ruckus was. When he came in she pulled a gun from a desk drawer and shot him right in the head. I could do nothing but freeze [redundant; just say “I froze”], my eyes open and jaw dropped '[you’ve switched tenses mid-sentence, I think. Either way it reads terribly]'. The sound of it rang in my ears, as wet, sticky blood and brain splattered and dripped from the wall behind him. '[splattered and dripped reads quite redundantly. Something like “as his splattered brains dripped from the wall behind him.” Reads better]'

She said : [,]

[ALWAYS a new line when there’s a new speaker]“That boy could never be a man, always sucking from the welfare teat and not trying to get a real goddamned job!”

I got up and ran for the door, pulling on the handle '[tense swap. Pulling is present tense. ‘Would not’ is conditional]' but it would not budge. '[Seriously just read through. It should read ‘I got up and ran for the door, pulling on a handle that would not budge]'

I woke up in my bed. The covers are wet with cold sweat and I am writing this to catch my breath.

Entry 3

I could not help but cringe when [Nurse Redacted] walked past my room earlier today. She stopped at my door and put on such a face of concern I nearly believed it.

“What’s wrong baby,” she asked and came halfway in [into] my room.

“You know what you did,” I said, my hand shaking as I spoke. “He did not deserve to die, no matter how inadequate you think he is.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Who are you are talking about, hon?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“The orderly you shot.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“When did this happen?” she asked as she walked into my room '[wasn’t that long ago you told us about her half-entering the room; is this really the best use of our time? Keep it snappy] 'and leaned back against the wall.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Last night,” I stood up straighter in my chair and tried to summon some bravery into my voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I wasn’t here last night, hon,” she sighed. “We have talked about this. Give the meds some time. You were dreaming again.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I don’t have dreams.”

<p class="MsoNormal">[New line, new speaker]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes, you do. I promise you, [.] I have not shot anyone here at work. When do you get to see the psychiatrist again? Maybe they need to try something a little different.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I think next month,” I said, my whole [be weary of redundancy] body deflating. “He needs to see his patients more regularly.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I know, baby. But there are a lot of folks here, and he’s only one person. I’ll see if there is anything I can do to help.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I’m sure,” the words left my mouth flatly.

<p class="MsoNormal">“We’re not out to get you,” she said and straightened up. Taking a step to leave the room she looked back to me. “You spend a lot of time in here, maybe you should try making some friends. I don’t think you’ll be here forever, and getting used to being around others might help.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I don’t think they want to talk to me,” I said and looked away.

<p class="MsoNormal">“No, they just think you are too serious all the time.”

<p class="MsoNormal">[new line]

<p class="MsoNormal">“This is a serious place.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Ok,” she said and stepped out of my room, finally. “Fine. Just give it a think, and let me know if you need anything.”

<p class="MsoNormal">The pills she wants me to take slow my thoughts and make me want to eat more than I should. This is why I am fat. This seems to be what they want. The game continues.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 4

<p class="MsoNormal">One of the female orderlies gave me a teddy bear. It is kind of big and heavy. I have seen larger teddy bears. I think maybe it’s two feet head to toe. Normally they don’t give us gifts, but she said she is quitting soon, and doesn’t want to see it again. Tears were rolling down her face. I took it so she wouldn’t cry. Maybe she has no stomach for the game anymore. The broadcasts say America should be running the world, not cowering from friends and enemies alike. Macho bullshit. The world is too complicated to be strong-armed like that. But it drones on, wanting the country to be the tough guy.

<p class="MsoNormal">[this line spacing is all muddled] Entry 5

<p class="MsoNormal">The broadcast was quieter than usual today. Normally it seems to echo against my skull as the boisterous voice rants and raves. Now it’s using an inside voice. The bear has been here for two nights. I also did not [do not/don’t] feel like stuffing so much food into my face. The nurses say I am being quieter, more cooperative. One even said I am beating out [Patient J] as her favorite. The others say they are not sure if this is a good sign.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 6

<p class="MsoNormal">An honest to God dream! I can’t believe how long it’s been. Humans dream, all the time. Every night, they tell me. I have not had one in so long that I can barely believe it. I guess I am not deserving of it being a good one, though.

<p class="MsoNormal">I was stuck to my bed as I felt a rush of warmth come over me, and then I was being held down by black strands of almost nothing. This is how I knew it was a dream, because at night when they take me or lecture me , I see everything so clearly. This was different. The bed and the room seemed to be in my parent’s [parents’] home for a moment, and once again [again since what?] it was the hospital room. A deep, rough voice called to me by name. I could not move. Soon, I was in some sort of playground being stared down by a massive teddy bear that looked like the one in my room. It said something, and [but] all I could make out was,

<p class="MsoNormal">[new line, new speaker]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Not enough[,]” or something like that. I think I also heard it say[,] “Cut them open[.]” [B]but I am not entirely sure. Weird thing is, I felt better, like I was safe there. Definitely a dream. It was not a very pleasant dream, being looked at by a teddy bear like I am in some sort of sick fairy-tale, but [it was] not a nightmare.

<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, when I woke up I gave the bear a good looking at. Just a brown teddy bear, same as before, but a bit lighter. There’s [was; you need to keep a consistent tense] a scarlet thread on the back of it, like someone stitched up an old war wound. Nothing too strange, I guess.

<p class="MsoNormal">The broadcast has become whispers at times, now. Anytime they start to irritate me, I feel a wash of calm and then the voice quiets '[no easy way to explain this but ‘the voice quiets’ just sounds fundamentally wrong. You ought to find another way to express this]'. Did not eat too much today. Nurse [redacted] says I am doing better, and we had a bit of a chat. Nothing important, just something about the weather. The other inmates are laughing at me, though. I see them hiding their smirks when I get out of my room. I’m not as paranoid as you might think reading this. They mock [Patient C] because they think he drones on too long, and pull pranks on [Patient J] because he jumps at everything. I only see this in the TV and games room, and [but] it can be relentless. I think they saw the damn bear while walking past my room. Best to keep it hidden. I don’t feel like being laughed at.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 7

<p class="MsoNormal">I had a very odd dream last night. Maybe that is not saying much after the one a few nights ago. [It’s] So strange even having dreams now. The one the night before [last night; like I said, keep it snappy] I heard children singing Red Rover, and [but] I did not see any kids. It was something about a childhood crush telling me I was a crazy person. I got the sense that she hated me for it. But that’s not important. Before waking up, I swear I could feel those black strands of almost nothing holding onto me, and these kids were chanting the old Red Rover, Red Rover [Red Rover should be in italics if it’s the name of a song]. And last night I saw them. Two young girls and [a] teenage boy running around on some nightmarish playground [dreamt of in Hell; 'this is weirdly phrased. Maybe just say ‘hellish’]'. The merry-go-round had what looked like razor blades on the outside, and there was a slide that was as tall as an office building. They were playing hop-scotch over hot coals. It seemed like only the outlined squares were safe and they kept pushing each other onto the hot coals and laughing. The little girls screamed when they touched the coals, but they ran over to me without injury. The older girl with red hair and freckles kept yelling[,]

<p class="MsoNormal">[new line]

<p class="MsoNormal">“No Rules!” as she skipped around me and the smaller one with black hair and golden skin just laughed. The redhead could not be over twelve, and the other [one] looked maybe ten. The teen, I’d say fourteenish [just say ‘around fourteen’], just rested against some monkey bars and smirked at me. When I was a kid, I used to flick my ear when I thought I was dreaming. It would either wake me up or not feel as painful in the dream. I tried it, and knew I was dreaming. The boy laughed and walked over to me, waving at the two girls to move away. They ran off to play tether-ball with what looked like a medieval spiked ball on a chain.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hey!” I remember yelling at them. I don’t much care for kids, but I could not let them get hurt.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Don’t sweat it, old man,” the boy said. “They ain’t gonna get hurt. Nothing here hurts.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“And why is that, boy?”

<p class="MsoNormal">To this he laughed and told me : [,]

<p class="MsoNormal">[new speaker, new line]

<p class="MsoNormal">   “’Cause there ain’t no meat here, old man. That’s why he’s got you. The big bad bear don’t understand meat.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What are you---” [<- em dashes are two dashes, not three] I started to say, but behind the boy I saw it again; a gigantic teddy bear, sitting behind him with its head down.

<p class="MsoNormal">“No worries,” the boy said and laughed. “He’s asleep.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Who…?” I tried to ask, taking a step back.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I’m Jesse. Over there we got Theresa, and the ginger girl is Beth. I named the Bear [bear] Captain Cuddles. He’s still It, I think.” '[the capitalisation of ‘it’ is stylistically weird and I’m pretty sure someone will change it in the future thinking it’s an error. I think you’d be better off just putting it in italics]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“It?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, and he caught me, them girls, and now you! We don’t get a turn to be It anymore.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I don’t understand.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Bet you don’t. No worries, though. Wakey-Time!” And with that, the boy shoved me, and as I fell in the dream I woke up, once more in a cold sweat.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 8

<p class="MsoNormal">Nothing makes sense. I just saw the orderly Nurse [redacted] shot in the head. At least, it looked a lot like him. I swear that the bear is staring at me. Sitting on my dresser, his coal black eyes burrowing straight into my soul. The running commentary on the State of the World is diminished again. After I awoke from the dream on the playground, it got louder, but now it is quiet. How can he be staring at me? It’s just a stuffed animal. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe I can get him to change my meds. Maybe I am losing it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 9

<p class="MsoNormal">They told me I was asleep. They told me I was dreaming. Now I wonder if I am awake when I am not dreaming. The Broadcaster is on full blast now. Writing this is difficult.

<p class="MsoNormal">I was about to fall asleep when I felt I could not move. The bear suddenly leapt from the dresser onto my chest. My heart beat so hard, I thought it might push him right off. Claws grew from his stuffed paws and he opened his mouth to reveal many rows of pointed razor-sharp teeth. He pulled his arm back and, just before he raked his claws across my face, I felt like I was sinking. Something pulled me into the bed. Into the bed! Soon I was on my ass in the playground of horrors, the giant bear and the children looking at me with dumbstruck faces.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Man,” the boy said as he laughed, “your dreams are hardcore!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What?” I said, suddenly feeling very stupid as they stared at me. “No-no. This is a dream. That...”

<p class="MsoNormal">[new line]

<p class="MsoNormal">“[…]Was also a dream, man,” the boy said before I could finish. [the ellipses makes it clear who interrupts who]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Teddy bears don’t do things like that,” the red-headed girl chimed in.

<p class="MsoNormal">[“]That was scary. He’s not scary like that.” [who’s saying this?]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Seriously,” the boy said and kneeled down closer to me. “It’s ok, old man. Just wait it out here and chill. You woke him up, for a minute. We saw. It was scaring the girls, though.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“S-Sorry?” I mumbled, my mind racing to sort this out.

<p class="MsoNormal">Just rest. My eyes shot open as I looked up to the bear. The voice was low and a bit rough, and though his mouth had not moved the sound in my head seemed to come from him. ''I would not harm you in such a way. Stay here with the children.''

<p class="MsoNormal">“Why would he have dreams like that?” the golden-skinned [I don’t think you’ve described either of the girls as ‘golden-skinned’] girl asked, looking back to the bear.

<p class="MsoNormal">''His mind is disordered. It cannot hurt you, but it often confuses him as to what is real.''

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh,” she replied, and moved her black hair from her face. She then walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. The other two kids followed suit, and then once the boy wandered off the two girls sat close to me and talked. I don’t remember quite what they talked about, something about their parents. They prattled on so much, it became more of a background buzz to me, and yet it was oddly soothing. The red-head mentioned something about her mother working in hospital for people who were confused. That’s really all I can remember, as it got hazier and hazier from there. I woke a few moments ago, once again in a cold sweat. My head is pounding from the damn broadcast. When I see the psychiatrist later today, I might as well ask about pain pills.

<p class="MsoNormal">A teddy bear is telling me I am crazy. I just don’t know anymore.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 10

<p class="MsoNormal">The psychiatrist approved me for new meds. I lied and told him I was getting headaches, so they also approved me for some ibuprofen. I managed to hide it under my tongue instead of swallowing it at med time. I think I should save up some of these. I don’t know if they will be able to do the job, but…[space]Look, I don’t know if anyone is reading this and I don’t know what is going on anymore. This bear in my dreams and in my room is dangerous in a way I can’t put into words. I know I should get rid of the stupid thing, but without it the transmissions '[but he’s been talking about hearing the broadcast AFTER the bear arrived. Do you mean the broadcast became quieter?] 'would come back. When I even think about asking the staff to throw him away, I hear The State of the World on blast. It is so loud I can no longer hear myself think. Also, I am getting used to the occasional relief of being able to ignore them. It is starting to look like there may only be one way out of all this.

<p class="MsoNormal">I am not strong enough.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 11 [<- this should be bolded]

<p class="MsoNormal">I can hear him when I am awake now. Not the broadcaster, but the stupid bear. He’s in my head somehow. I swear this has never happened before. I had just gotten back from the cafeteria. I sat down on my bed and the broadcast was nearly silent. Then all of a sudden[,] I heard him speak. It was like how some of the others describe the voices.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Some of your fellow inmates cannot move. They are locked within their own mind. I want to see it. Bring me to one of their rooms, and show me what their insides look like. I want to see what they are made of. No one will'' miss them.

<p class="MsoNormal">All I could do was look up in shock. My eyes went to the dresser I had him hidden in. It was the same, rough sounding voice from the dreams. But I was not asleep. I swear on everything holy that I was definitely awake.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I-I can’t,” I managed after the minute it took to process what he was telling me to do. “That’s murder.”

<p class="MsoNormal">They are hardly alive.

<p class="MsoNormal">“But they still are!” I put my hand over my mouth, hoping others did not hear me shout at a stuffed toy.

<p class="MsoNormal">''You are useless. I need to be with [Patient J]. He walked down the hall the other day. He has more of what I need than you. He would do as I ask.''

<p class="MsoNormal">“You think he would kill for you? No…this isn’t right…”

<p class="MsoNormal">''Give me to him. You do not enjoy the company of the children. Your dreams frighten them too much. This would seem an equitable solution.''

<p class="MsoNormal">“W-wait,” I said in a hushed tone. “What about the broadcast? You make it quieter.”

<p class="MsoNormal">''It is all in your mind. You have dealt with it for years.''

<p class="MsoNormal">“That’s not true. Damn. Even the bear that talks to me prefers [Patient J], huh?” The irony of the situation could not escape me. Despite what the others might say, I do have a sense of humor. I understand why they gave me that damnable nickname, even though I hate it.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Believe what you like. Give me to [Jones] . '' [<- there’s an extra space there and do you mean ‘Patient J’?] 

<p class="MsoNormal">“No,” I said solemnly after a minute of contemplation. I have no love for [Patient J], but I also do not wish this sort of madness on him. I soon found myself to be correct when a dull pain started in the back of my head, creeping its way over my skull. Before I knew it, it started to squeeze my brain. The pain was enough to bring me to my knees.

<p class="MsoNormal">Give me to him, the bear repeated, his words causing the pain to throb slowly. I fumbled around a moment before finding the painkillers I had saved up and rammed five of them into my mouth and swallowed as quickly as I could.

<p class="MsoNormal">“No,” I told him and leaned down, holding my head. We sat in silence for several minutes before the pain gradually subsided. I stood and opened the dresser and looked down at the bear. “I may not be human. I may not be worthy. But, maybe just this one time, I can behave like a man.”

<p class="MsoNormal">With that, I closed the dresser.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 12

<p class="MsoNormal">The broadcast is getting louder at the worst times. It is becoming hard to talk with the medical staff. I think doing this is starving him a little, though. He can now only give me the amount of pain I used to get when eating frozen dessert too fast, and it lasts about as long. The pain medication keeps this at bay. I just have to keep him away from [Patient J]. This might get easier though.

<p class="MsoNormal">I talked with an administrator. She seems to think I am ready to “graduate” from the facility into some kind of group home, pending the approval of the psychiatrist. Asking if [Patient J] would be joining me there would be telling. I still don’t know what sort of monster this bear is, but I have a feeling that keeping him away from the man he wants to be with will avert disaster. If those poor kids are real somehow, maybe I can wrest them away from his hold.

<p class="MsoNormal">Entry 13

<p class="MsoNormal">“Never play games you find on the internet,” the teen told me as I waited in the infernal playground to wake up. When I got there they started playing some game of tug of war using me as the rope. When one team would pull me, it was into the hot coals around the hopscotch outline. I was afraid it would hurt, but there were no burns on my feet. The boy gave me his little pearl of knowledge right before they chased each other with scissors. It seems the torment is to continue.

<p class="MsoNormal">Doesn’t really matter, though. I am out of here tomorrow, and I am taking that stupid bear far away from [Patient J]. I have decided to leave this notebook here. Whoever finds this may think it the ravings of a madman, but then again if this gets out it, may do a little good.

<p class="MsoNormal">If you are ever given a teddy bear, check its back for a scarlet thread. Be careful what games you decide to play. And most of all, do not let [Patient J] have the bear if you can help it.

<p class="MsoNormal">(End of Journal)

<p class="MsoNormal">[extra line here needs deleting]

<p class="MsoNormal">I should tell you that the orderlies went into his room the following day. All they found was a skeleton wearing Chuckles’ clothes, and it attacked them!

<p class="MsoNormal">Hehe, no. He was just transferred out to a group home somewhere in town. I am pretty sure he brought the bear with him. Patient J got transferred out too, a few weeks later. When I have a hot minute, I’ll see if I can get my buddy who works there to tell me how they are getting along. Weird shit though, right? Fuck, I have to get to bed, so that’s all there is for now, interwebs! I’ll let you know if I find out anything else.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – More than a few. For a start you’re a real fiend to those commas. You need to brush up on sentence structure. Commas have a few uses but you should be careful to over-use them. You also have a lot of formatting issues and also a tendency to use stilted and unnatural language. It’s just not quite right. There’s also a lot of redundancies and an overall need to make the writing snappier and more efficient.

<p class="MsoNormal">Stylistic issues – so the biggest here is that the tone is all over this place. You make no effort to build up atmosphere and mood with descriptive language and instead spend most of your words showing us and not telling us things that happen.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – you rely too much on vagueness. A common mistake people make is thinking that ambiguous writing is the same as vague writing. Ambiguity is when a story can have more than one successful interpretation of events. Vagueness is when there is no successful interpretation. In other words, ambiguity isn’t just a case of cutting out vital information. It’s more complex than that. And at the bare minimum you should make sure your story actually makes sense with a beginning, middle and end. So much of this story comes out of left-field. Why a playground? Why a bear? Why the hallucinations? Why the broadcast?

<p class="MsoNormal">Overall – it’s not great. On deeper review this story has fundamental problems. I’ll let it pass because I said I would and once you fix the mechanical errors it’s technically up to scratch, but next time I recommend you post to the workshop before posting to the wikia itself.