Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160413174929/@comment-25941663-20160424144916

"It’s rally freezing in here" - It's 'really' instead of 'rally'.

"the room immediately turn to darkness" - It's not 'turn'; put something else there. Maybe 'turned'.

"since when did Lisa used really age-old" - It's 'use' instead of 'used'.

"Lisa will just think you’re weird if you told her about the" - Grammar issue. Either write: "Lisa would just think you’re weird if you told her about the" or "Lisa will just think you’re weird if you tell her about the". (Notine how I used 'will' and 'told')

" Oh, she’s smoking a joint..''.Well, that " - The quotation mark between the periods (that form an ellipses) should be removed.

" If she gets caught by Mom, it’s not my problem then " - This should be italicized.

"The silence here was deadening" - Did you mean to say 'deafening'?

" accompanied by a faint rancid smell. Marlee frowned as she shook her head impatiently. " - This shouldn't be italicized.

"choked and and wheezed" - Remove one 'and'.

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In the new parts, Ralphie doesn't act like an 8-year-old. He knows about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Vlad the Impaler, Romania/Transylvania etc. I suggest you cut down on such knowledge, as it doesn't seem realistic.

Another problem was that the characters' thoughts went on for far too long. At times you wrote whole paragraphs. I suggest trying to be quicker on the thoughts parts.

I suggest you go with either ending 1 or 2. The third I didn't like that much, to be honest.