Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10319977-20160102141602/@comment-25226524-20160112162742

Reviewing as I read.

Starting the story out with that sentence already lets me know the missing father is gonna play a part. Not good.

"Aside from that" in the second sentence doesn't work there.

Everywhere in the blistering cold? Unless they live in northern Canada it would only be cold seasonally. "...even in the blistering cold."

Walking in the cold sometimes caused him to grow up faster? Not really buying that, but I'll let it slide.

"It really wasn't ominous considering the steady, albeit somewhat infrequent flow of cars." This whole sentence is a disaster. Awkwardly formed and awkward word choices, not to mention it's completely unnecessary.

Why would he smile knowing others were having financial struggles? Is he a sadist? Feeling better/relieved because he realized he wasn't alone, yes, but not smiling because of it.

Condescending trance? That doesn't work there and doesn't make sense in any instance. This also contradicts the empathetic character you've mentioned.

This is all forced. You've shoehorned all of this because someone mentioned it needed more description, and it's painfully obvious.

I'm not going into further specifics. There are just too many issues.

I will tell you the end doesn't work. How did the dad recognize the narrator? If the narrator didn't recognize the father, then how could the father recognize the narrator? It's much harder to recognize a child after they've grown. If the kid doesn't remember him, he would've likely left before they were born or in infancy.

This whole thing also falls under extreme coincidence. Again, this story has a very forced feel to it. There's also the huge problem that there's no emotional connection to any of the characters in a story where the focus is an emotional twist ending. That ending has no impact because I don't give a damn about anyone in this story.

You should know that I'm well aware of your history with this site, so you really shouldn't waste your keystrokes arguing with me. I won't be responding.

I actually question your motivation for all of this. You're either a very committed troll or someone who can't live with a bruised ego. Your latest message to Empy may as well have been a neon sign that read "ENTITLED". Maybe no one is responding to you because you're a pain in the ass that won't listen and does nothing but argue and whine. You also seem to think you're doing us a favor by being here.

You need to wake up and realize you're not the great writer that you think you are. Not saying you can't be, but you never will be if you don't get over yourself. Take some time and read our writing advice pages and any other writing advice books you can. '''We're not here to hold your hand through every step of your writing so you can get a story on the site. We're not here to review every little change you make. We don't owe you explanations for why your work isn't good enough, even though you've received dozens.'''

You seem to think we're supposed to devote loads of our time to you like we're friends or being paid. Either that or you think you can annoy us into putting your low-effort stories on the site. This story isn't scary or unsettling, it's poorly written, and it's not going on the site. You really need to take some time and do a lot more reading because you have no idea what a properly written and developed story looks like.

I would advise anyone that sees this to not engage this user in the future because they have a disturbing sense of entitlement. For reference: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:504214 (that thread is only a small fraction)

Here is the comment recently left on Empy's talk page: "Hey, why not come back to re-review my story like I asked? It seems like you have the time, and I've made a good amount of changes since your original reading. I'd very much like feedback, which I am sparsely getting."

Like you asked?! Seems like he has the time?! Wow.

The fact that you have the balls to come back and start this shit again after positng pages worth of bitching last time shows me you're either living in your own dimension or one of the most arrogant people in this one.