Talk:Restrained/@comment-24281984-20141022022733

Let’s get to it.

I’m glad to see you started this story with some kind of action. It’s never very interesting to see a pasta open up with a generic “Hi, my name is…” or “I don’t have much time left…”.

“Perhaps I am in a basement? I was able to hear foot steps above me, which would validate my being in a basement.”

Two problems. First, “footsteps” is one word. Second, you could easily turn this into one sentence. Don’t include any sentences or phrases that repeat what has already been stated unless it’s necessary to the story.

“I can't move my arms and legs, because of what feels like a series of leather restraints attached to the rusty metal slab that is behind me, though I am not sure of the exact shape of the slab.”

There doesn’t need to be a comma before the first “because”. How about instead of trying to describe what he feels, the MC simply turns to LOOK at what is holding him down? Also, again, this sentence is too long.

“From what I could see of my body when I let my head fall forward, its skin that looked like it hadn't seen light in ages, a rather bony figure, no shirt and no breasts, so I am male, tattered jeans, and oddly, rather hairless everywhere.”

Necessary to the story or just filler? So far, it seems to be the latter.

<span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“"Do you know why you are here?" my captor said, I could tell it was a man by the generally low pitch and angry tone in his voice. I found myself unable to respond to his question.””

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Is the MC blind? He doesn’t seem to be able to see anything so far. If that’s the case, you should have specified it earlier instead of just what he looks like.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Ugh. The dialogue here is so bland and monotonous. There’s no body language or even speech tags to show some emotion. Isn’t the MC struggling? Is his “captor” yelling, growling, trying hard to hold his victim still? Without some kind of detail like that here, I almost feel like I’m reading the dialogue from a children’s book. Two people who are under stress do not talk like that, especially if one of them is tied down. I know that I have a morbid fear of being restrained and would say a lot more than just “No… I can’t remember…”.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">The scene transition is so abrupt that I’m left baffled. Nothing else? No detail of how the MC ended up somewhere else entirely? Even if he was unconscious the entire time, you should have SOME kind of transition between locations.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">“It was my captor. He was wearing a grey sweater, with no logo or anything on it, black jeans, work boots, rubber gloves, and some sort of ski mask with a paper mask over it.”

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">More unnecessary description. You have filler in all the wrong places here so far.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">I’m not understanding the ending at all. What the hell happened here? It went from being restrained to being restrained with some machine keeping the MC alive? What is the puzzle here?

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">I wish I could say something good about this pasta, I truly do. I just can’t find anything. Your writing style is slightly awkward, you have filler where it isn’t needed and are leaving out important details like the MC’s blindness(?). I’m not scared or even engaged by this; I’m confused and bored. You should consider rewriting this, really, because it’s almost bad enough to warrant deletion. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I won’t hold anything back from you.