Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25506761-20150104114804/@comment-24957984-20150104141837

There are many issues with it.

1) Almost the entire story is a wall of text. Good thing you published here first, or then it'd be already deleted in the way it looks like.

2)There is dialogue, and dialogue is supposed to be put on different paragraphs.

3)There are some run-on sentences, like "The iPad's keyboard went down, I'm writing the prototype on my notes, and I think the screen went black for a second." The correct would be "The iPad's keyboard went down. i'm writing the prototype on my notes, and I think the screen went black for a second."

4)The story itself is bad. The plot is all about someone trying to make a CP, and weird things happen when doing things on the character's phone. There's no description, there's no build up whatsoever. The entire story can jsut be summed up in one phrase: "I want to put a story based on a photo I want to do. I do things on my phone, a picture kills me."

Overall, I can't think of a way to make this acceptable. I'd just think of something more original and try to avoid the same mistakes you did here.