Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20170806214502/@comment-32764586-20170807165123

ChristianWallis wrote: It was a Saturday evening. The roads were full of busy people. Vendors crowded the streets trying to sell and buy merchandise. There were places to be and things to do. It took a while for people to notice it. The change. Clocks everywhere began acting up. [spacing] Anything displaying a time mechanically [clunky; not all watches are mechanical, most are digital now] changed. Whether it be a watch or a smartphone, the numbers [the numbers (plural) are now the subject of this sentence] inexplicably warped itself [<- but here you use a singular pronoun to refer back to the plural subject] without the [human] intervention of humans. Even technology that had been previously shut down or disconnected turned itself on and followed the new trend. They all turned to the number 12, and then 11:23:59:59. Eleven days, Twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds. '[numbers & words together feels a bit OTT. I’d just keep the words – it builds up suspense]'

The time remaining ticked down second by second. Some sort of countdown had started. It didn’t take long for people to realize that what was happening wasn’t a simple problem with their own watches or phones. Other people had it. People started to take notice and awaited [waited for] an answer. Everyone cut their television and radios on searching for a sufficient answer [<- needs explaining, don’t make sense]. [It was then realized'; <- this is clunky. First of all, get rid of then, it’s an evil fuckin’ word. Second of all, who realised? What does the ‘it’ even refer to?]' even the television and radios were affected. The screens displayed the time as well, and the radios blared static.

In a world full of technology such a widespread event was certainly unsettling, even if the issue was as simple as a time [reads awkward]. While many were disturbed by the display in front of them they put it off as a minor inconvenience. After all, the problem probably wouldn't last long and wouldn't hurt them too badly. It was just a strange occurrence that would soon be addressed. As people tried to carry on with their day another bizarre event happened. '[This is starting to read like a list. Then and then and then and then. I mean, think about that last sentence. You’re saying, “an event happened”. So what? What event? Don’t waste words like this. Get on with it.]'

Electricity and machinery began shutting down. Cars and motorcycles stopped working without cause. There was a cutoff '[cut off; also off followed by of will sound terrible. ‘Shutdown’ might be a better choice]' of communication. The news ceased to exist. Newspapers could no longer be delivered. Questions quickly arose as to what was happening. Theories spread like wildfire suggesting many things. Some were concerned a massive hack was responsible. Others had assumed this was a prank or some sort of publicity stunt. There was even word of aliens tampering with earth [Earth]. Nobody knew what to believe. Just a day in and people began panicking. The night was plunged into total darkness. Not a single light lit any neighborhood street or home. Come early morning the timer still counted down. Nothing had changed from the previous day. The sense of fear and isolation had grown substantially. Could this be something more?

Those who wanted answers marched the streets. Some piled into churches searching for a more religious reason. With the breakdown of machinery came obvious problems. The refrigerators and freezers had stopped working. Water systems failed and ovens and microwaves could no longer be used. And although everyone was concerned, people began to turn against one another. Tension rose as more and more people became frightened. Nobody knew what the countdown was for, and what would happen if it hit zero. Crime rose everywhere and the police could do little to stop it. Without cars or communication, the cops were limited in recourses, and they cared more about their family than upholding the law. They were all concerned with the timer. What consequences would there be when it ran out of time. [<- I think that should be a question mark]

It was when they realized nobody was coming to save them that all hell broke loose. Shops were torn apart and looted. Those deprived of their needs the most assaulted others and stole whatever they could. In the short span of two days people had already begun to act like animals. The streets were no longer safe. It was no longer safe to travel anymore [redundant]. The nights became even worse than before. Screams echoed through neighborhoods. Homes were broken into and cars were busted open. What was happening was inhuman. Places that had once been safe were now home to acts of violence and crime. Those who were once good men and women of society had become so focused on survival that in a few days of deprivation they had changed completely. The clock continues [continued] its steady pace toward zero. Days passed and the time remaining passed with it '[redundant, days and time passing tend to co-occur by default. No need to state the obvious]'. Every second that passed was a second closer to something, but that was all anybody knew. Stores and churches previously full of hopeful people were vandalized and empty. Those lucky enough to live close to their loved ones stayed with them.

As time progressed gangs ran the streets. Men brutally murdered each other. They thought the world was ending. It seemed almost everybody believed this to be true. Self-proclaimed messiahs preached the end of days. Some wanted to be saved by the grace of a god. The world at this point had become post apocalyptic [<- hyphenate]. There was no maintenance at all. Bodies lay covering sidewalks. Some starved to death or died of dehydration. The odor that came with it was unbearable. Many took their own lives to escape what might happen soon. Law enforcement was now gone. Nobody cared to be sneaky about committing crimes. Cries for help became common. People were no longer people. Humans became ruthless animals concerned only with their own well being [hyphenate]. People shouted for help and mercy. Neighbors turned on each other when they could no longer support themselves with what they had.

The screams begging for help became louder and louder. They were desperate shrieks of those clinging to what they had left. Their loved ones were malnourished. The common necessities of everyday life taken for granted became scarce. People were weak, dying. Their eyes and souls became weaker as hope escaped them. A hope that once sparked us with life and faith drained until none remained. Many people grew sick. Mothers screamed as for their sick [repetition of ‘sick’ within a few words of each instance harms flow] children. They screamed for someone to help their kids. No one came. No one saved them. Some people even abandoned those who they loved.

The final day arrived. The silence was almost as terrible as the cries that used to frequently fill the air. The dead became the decayed. The clock counted down the hours. Those still alive prepared for the worst. No-one dared to do anything at all but watch the clock [full stop] The streets were empty of any signs of life. The screams stopped. The earth was void of noise. No more groans of pain and suffering, the only remaining feeling was that of dread. A huge shadow of sadness loomed over the earth with an unknown threat awaiting. All the. time of waiting and fear would come to an end soon.

The last hour had started. The countdown was nearly over. The world has lost its mind because of a timer. Everybody sat, watching the clock. What would happen at the end? Would the damnation of the evil start? The hearts of those waiting sunk as the endless theories of terrible fates were all that they could think about.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Minutes that seemed to go by too quickly.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Those who were afraid of what lay ahead had destroyed themselves out of terror. Hope was lost. The world was hellish and animalistic. A shell of what was. There was nothing. And all for what? Why?

Nobody knew why.

-

Mechanical issues – sentence construction and word choice seems like a weird sticking point. Your sentences flow unnaturally, there’s a kind of stilted quality to them. There’s a heavy use of repetition and redundancy that harms the flow. I’d recommend reading about sentence structure (independent vs dependent clauses, subjects, verbs, objects etc.) and improving your vocabulary. Further mechanical problems include the occasional mistake like missing full stops, but grammatically speaking this story seemed within normal boundaries for an early draft.

<p class="MsoNormal">Stylistic issues – So yeah, first off the use of filler words and the just mentioned mechanical issues feed into a style that is both overly complex and weirdly simplistic. But there’s nothing particularly bad about it. Although, a good question to ask at this juncture is how does the style improve the plot? And the answer is it doesn’t. It feels like you had this idea and you knocked out a general account of events and that’s it. The actual words that compose the narrative don’t really do much other than tell us what is happening. The benefit of this, I suppose, is it kinda reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode, and it’s also impersonal and lets you quickly knock out a lot of details and plot points but is a loose overview really the best way to explore this idea?

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – So, yeah, the plot’s solid. Good idea. I liked it and I was A-okay with being left hanging at the end. I walked away with the idea that people fucked themselves up worse than any apocalyptic event could have so, ultimately, the specific event was irrelevant. You could still do a Twilight Zone-esque twist where nothing happens but be warned this is very similar to the plot of a Twilight Zone episode where aliens turn off electricity and laugh their asses off as humans immediately turn on each other. Ultimately it’s up to you what to do with it but I didn’t mind the ending. Yes, it was a tease and anti-climactic but I felt that the feelings of frustration it worked up were part of the story’s intention so I accepted it. Other people might not feel the same. It’s the problem with all open-endings and it can be hard to know if the lack of a pay-off will be appreciated by other people who only kept on reading out of curiosity.

<p class="MsoNormal">This story has a solid idea behind it but the execution is as broad as it can be while still including as many details as possible. I can see why you did that but it is the lowest of low hanging fruit. It tells the story efficiently but I’m not sure it does it justice. It’s a great idea for a story. I loved it. Do the ground work and turn this into a more detailed narrative with characters, plot points, etc. A simple diary format could do a lot and would cover similar points but give you the opportunity to write something that was much more exciting for the reader. This could work as a short story, you don’t need to write a full-blown novel, but I think it’d be a much much better story if you showed us this apocalypse happening, instead of just telling us how it unfolded.

<p class="MsoNormal">So in summary – sentence structure and flow are weak. Improving vocabulary and reading up a little on sentence structure could help with this. Stylistically the story is functional but doesn’t do much else. And finally, the core plot idea is interesting but it would be better if you showed us the world through someone’s eyes instead of offering a loose overview. As for the ending – I liked it, but if you wanna make it go down better then you need to make sure people aren’t just reading your story to have their curiosity satisfied. That means making the journey a more interesting, personal, experience. This goes back to the most offered writing advice of all time; show, don’t tell.

Thanks a lot for the review. I really appreciate it a ton that you could help me out like this.