Talk:Better in the Dark/@comment-25446881-20141020211239

Your mistake was giving too many details, like the cat. My brain reasoned "I have no cat, therefore this story is not talking to me". There were other things, like reaching bellow the desk to pick up school material. That's not where I leave my school stuff, again, the story is not talking to me. And so on... When you narrate using the second person, you should avoid details like that. Either you use the first person, or you make it possible for the big majority of your target readers to indetify themselves as the person the story is speaking to, and to feel the emotions you are trying to make them experience. Very well written, though. 8/10.