Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31751868-20170417054226/@comment-32461413-20170715024408

Interesting story, I especially enjoy the twist at the end; a bit unnerving.

There are quite a few grammar issues. In some places, you use a comma where it isn't needed. You seem to neglect the use of the apostrophe on words such as "you'll" and "won't" as well as quite a few other words. Sometimes you'll use it on one word, but the next time that word comes around, it's missing.

Just a nitpick, I find the dates, "??/??/????" to be distracting. Obviously journals are usually dated so it would make sense to have them there, but, if the information is for some reason redacted, it serves no purpose. Since the journals were posted online by the protagonist, why would he blank out the dates? I would suggest either removing the dates completely or filling them in with actual numbers. Otherwise they just feel tacked on.

I find the protagonist to be too stubborn; there's a lot of evidence that the chain letter is real and yet he still denies it and doesn't think much of it. What's the point of journaling all of this if it is just a prank or something? I mean, he sees blood and guts all over his walls yet he doesn't feel the slightest bit concerned? Even when it disappears at midnight? Not once did he even think about calling the police? Not to mention that he would keep a journal about the chain letter before investigating what the stench was. Even if he did think it was a prank, he's not very concerned about the fact that a person may be breaking into his house. I understand this story isn't supposed to be realistic, but it is hard to really feel any sort of emotion to something that isn't grounded in reality.

Additionally, I think by the seventh day the protagonist should be able to piece together that the chain letter is real and take action. It takes 10 days for "you don't want to know" to happen, which I presume to be death. Reading the letter, the latest anyone could repost the letter is by day nine. If he fully realized by day seven, why wouldn't he try to stop the curse? I find it strange that he is warning others to not follow the path that he has gone, while he was fully capable of stopping the curse. Surely if he had the energy and capability to write in his journal (not to mention online) he should have been able to go through with reposting the chain letter and freeing himself.

Also, what happens if you don't post the chain letter but take notice of Sarah on the second day? Does noticing her make things better? Or is that supposed to be a sign to repost the chain letter? Some clarity needs to be given.

Realism has to be my biggest concern. I think with all these plot holes, it completely takes away the reality from the story that makes it not have an effect on the person reading. Like I mentioned earlier, even an unrealistic story needs some reality to at least be slightly believable. The protagonist has many ways to break free of the curse but doesn't for some unknown reaons. Honestly, if you could include at least some description on his reasoning for all the decisions he makes (or doesn't make) and why he chooses to be more stubborn, that would be a great improvement to this story. I find myself more confused about why the protagonist misses so many obvious opportunities to break free from the curse but conciously chooses to ignore them than actually focused on the story itself.