Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28228332-20160416223938/@comment-24101790-20160416225613

Besides being one large paragraph, having punctuation (" he cried "No! Don't touch that!"", "because let(')s be fair", "he gasped and said "Don't you just love it when everything is orange?"", etc.), wording ("I picked up my bag, and stooped (incorrect usage) down the steps.", "I feel regret up and down my spine. (awkward wording)", "I read the text from Phil, it read, "), frequent tense swapping issues ("As the wind beats against the glass", "This felt incredibly creepy to me, almost like he wants to murder me or something.", etc.), capitalization ("slowest ive ever turned it."), and story issues.

Story issues: Besides the mechanical issues listed above, there are a lot of problems in the story itself. The story feels incredibly rushed. The protagonist meets Phil and invites him back to his house, offers to let him stay the night and poke through his phone all within the space of meeting him earlier that day. For example: "He was a nice man, we talked and took strolls in the park." and this line: "yes, we only were friends for a day," feel at odds. Additionally there really isn't a sense of description here and there isn't any real reason given for Phil's focus on orange. (It could be subbed out with any color and not influence the story at all) Lines like: "This felt incredibly creepy to me, almost like he wants to murder me or something." really can't be inferred from a plainly worded text so it feels out-of-place. There are a number of other issues, but these were the most glaring that resulted in me deleting your story.