User talk:Paleface Jack

Story Questions
Greetings. I'll go through your questions in order.

1. You don't need to place any story transitions per say; I think it would just look and read much better if you included a break in the page of sorts (A line separating the article from the story), so that we readers know that the writing style is different.

2. I honestly have no idea if the character being a spin off would matter at all. Although you have explained to me that the character is one of your own creation, the reader has absolutely no way of knowing that. Everyone who reads your story will think the character is in fact, Jack the Ripper. Either roll with that or make a clear distinction between the two, as you can't personally contact every reader like you did with me.

3. I am biased towards visual writers, as I tend to see most details as extraneous when it comes to short stories, particularly horror. I personally feel that if it has no relation to the plot, it has no reason for being there. Many disagree with this view; it's up to you to craft the story to your liking.

That being said, I feel the paragraph that begins with "Mary was a pretty girl..." could be removed without much impact to the plot. I know that you have a view for Mary, but the reader does not need to share that view to progress through the story. Samuel's character description could be nixed as well without much harm being done.

The dialogue with Mary's boss seems a bit too lopsided: he feeds her expositional details while she responds with one line questions. The paragraph with "These recent killings have put this city on edge…" and the conversation that follows seems rather long to me. You don't need to cut these details; just space them out between the two more.

The description of Samuel's house didn't really seem important to me either.

After re-reading your story a bit, most of the extraneous details that irked me seem to reside in the run-on sentences. I think, actually, I know that if you separated some of these sentences into individual ones, the story would seem less packed. In fact, I nearly rescind my previous "you have too many details" statement. There's actually a good balance; you just need to space them out more. If I read a single paragraph of detail, then it looks like filler to me. If I read the same paragraph separated in two, it seems to be progressing the story. Does that make sense?

For example:

"She looked nervously around the room, the ‘dead house’ was an old abandoned hotel called White’s that she had use to play inside when she was a child, her parents had warned her not to go near the place saying that it was haunted but she never listened to them. How could the killer have known about that? Have they been spying on her since childhood? Unnerved yet determined to uncover the truth Mary called the police, leaving her name and number reporting a possible murder before she headed to the dead house. It was exactly as she had remembered it, it was a 2 story building that was beginning to decay, and graffiti covered the outside like some ancient message. She entered the building cautiously, remembering the blood covered room in Samuel’s house; she pulled out her necklace and began fingering it nervously as she slowly walked across the deteriorated floor. Taking her flashlight from her coat pocket she turned it on, the light’s beam piercing the darkness and illuminating the building’s shadowy recesses. The sound of a bat screeching made her jump as it flew past her in a panic, breathing a sigh of relief she continued her descent into the dead house. "

This looks like an absolute mess to me; too many details in one paragraph coupled with too much action. But if I simply separated it:

"She looked nervously around the room, the ‘dead house’ was an old abandoned hotel called White’s that she had use to play inside when she was a child, her parents had warned her not to go near the place saying that it was haunted but she never listened to them. How could the killer have known about that? Have they been spying on her since childhood? Unnerved yet determined to uncover the truth Mary called the police, leaving her name and number reporting a possible murder before she headed to the dead house.

The house was exactly as she had remembered it, it was a 2 story building that was beginning to decay, and graffiti covered the outside like some ancient message. She entered the building cautiously, remembering the blood covered room in Samuel’s house; she pulled out her necklace and began fingering it nervously as she slowly walked across the deteriorated floor. Taking her flashlight from her coat pocket she turned it on, the light’s beam piercing the darkness and illuminating the building’s shadowy recesses. The sound of a bat screeching made her jump as it flew past her in a panic, breathing a sigh of relief she continued her descent into the dead house."

Now this looks much better to me, and no content was removed.

Alright, I figure I've made a mess of your talk page enough. I must remind you that my reviews are heavily opinionated and are no way fact. Check with the admin who deleted your story for the specifics of why it was deleted. Message me back if you need clarification on anything. Peace. Whitix (talk) 22:10, January 27, 2015 (UTC)