Talk:Weak/@comment-MrDupin-20161124155322

That's an interesting, original little tale. Perfect for a short story like this.

I liked the "beep. beep. beep. is coming for you" idea. It was an interesting concept that was executed well. The flow in this was smooth too, although I didn't like this sentence very much:

"You try to shrug it off as paranoia, but you still can't shake that feeling of dread. It's almost as if you know it's coming."

I find that this sequence of words goes on and on about the same thing. Don't get me wrong, it perfectly conveys the feeling/mindset of the patient. The problem is that you basically repeat the same thing thrice. Take a look at your work:

"You try to shrug it off as paranoia" then "you still can't shake that feeling of dread" and finally "It's almost as if you know it's coming". Those three all convey (basically) the same exact thought. Here, you have the protagonist try and shake the feeling off, but he realizes he can't. There are only two parts, while you tried to add a third in. If I were you I would alter the sequence to cut it down to two parts.

If you are against it, that's fine and ultimately it's your choice. It's just that in short stories, every sentence and word counts and I feel this part needs slight adjustment. Nitpicking, I know, and in this case it won't change much, but in my opinion getting to think about this little details will make you a better writer.

Finally, I'm not entirely sure the second person perspective is warranted in this piece. Usually that perspective is used if the story needs the perspective. Here the perspective is almost irrelevant, and I actually forgot that it was in the second person. Because of its irrelevancy, here it doesn't matter much so it's no big a deal, but be careful with the second person in future stories, as usually it either makes or breaks a story.

All in all, this was a good reading. Not creepy, but interesting and short. Certainly something different.