Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24833538-20150912024003/@comment-25825682-20150914013709

Well the way I do reviews is, I'll touch on plot first (though for this, since it's just the beginning It'll probably be short), I'll also grammar check it and mention any miscellaneous things last.

First I'll say you don't need to indent paragraphs. You could read other stories here on this site to see what I mean.

Since this is just the beginning, I'll say the metphors are not too vague for me, but it's probably due to the stuff I read and games I play. However, this part "Blue opened upon blue dashed with white," I'm gonna take a crack at it and guess water or eyes. If this is wrong then for this you may need to explain it. Unless you want it to stilll be vague then I'd suggest using more detailed imagery. The sentence after this one I did get though.

Now, I'm guesing he's at least near the age of the camp kids, otherwise I'm currently unsure why he is there until I read more (unless he worked there). I can't say more until read more, except there should be description on the time of day, I may have missed it, but I think it'll help build the scene.

1). The word "camp grounds" can be written (campgrounds)

2). "Twelve year old boy" can be written (Twelve-year-old boy)

3). Since this is a compound predicate, "Silence filled the air again, but seemed heavier this time." should not have a comma after, "again," and will probably read better with (and) instead of, "but".

4). "He didn’t know what was happening but..." Just a comma there.

The only other thing I'll say is you space parts a lot. most are not even paragraphs. Unless its dialouge between different people and your going to a new speaker, paragraphs should at least have five sentences.

-That's all I'll say, I hoped it helps you.