Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29990274-20160917045559/@comment-28266772-20160917115455

'[To start you need to format correctly by removing indents and making sure your paragraphs are separated by only one line break. I’ve corrected it for this annotated version but you’ll need to bear it in mind] 'I was in my Algebra 1 class one day, and I was listening to anime music on YouTube and the pocket watch melody from Pandora Hearts came on and it made me stop what I was doing. It was so... peaceful... familiar... yet strange to my ears... it made me... quiet... sleepy...



'Maybe if I took a little nap... No, I need to stay awake... but it's so peaceful... a lullaby... screw it...' I thought as my eyes struggled to stay open. As I closed my eyes, I didn't know what was going to happen. I fell in to [into] a terrifying dream that I can never remember fully. '[this intro is full of needless details and weird stylistic choices that don’t really do much. Try to minimize ellipses because they lose their effect the more of them there are]'

I was strapped to a metal table, a thick strip of leather in my mouth to act as a gag, to block my screams [redundant – gags are rarely used for much else]. I looked around to see people in white robes, a heart monitor, and trays full of metal tools and what looked to be organs of some type. [don’t fancy giving us much of a description?] There were also jars full of different colored gasses. I started panicking, then a grey haired doctor started to cut me open. My heart rate sped up. The pain was to [too] much to bare [bear]. No pain killers? What were these doctors thinking? I lifted my head and looked at what he was doing. The entire front of my body was cut open. I could see my ribs, my stomach, my lungs, intestines, my heart, my kidneys, and the muscles in my chest. I saw so much blood. [lotta telling, not much showing] Everywhere I looked, I saw my blood. They started to replace some of my organs, adding some, and mixing some blood. Then, somehow, my heart was pulled out and ripped apart. My eyes widened and my mouth started to water as my face was splattered with my own blood. I continued to watch as my heart was mixed with a pitch black heart, a gold heart, a white heart, a blue heart, and a glowing heart [repetition feels weird here]. Then they put it back in and continued to add organs in my body. They put a mask over my face, which pumped the multicolored gasses into my lungs. Then they closed my skin, and used some type of heat to burn the skin together [repetition]. The pain came back and I woke up.

I fell out of my chair, sweat on my brow, panting. The whole class was staring at me. I looked around, scared. I saw that the song was over. I got up, and muttered an apology. My friend, Tony, told me that I was screaming soundlessly. Someone tried to wake me, but I just tossed and turned. My nightmare was too real. When I stretched, I still felt where they cut me open. Then that was when I heard the voices. Thousands, millions, all speaking in my head at once. I closed my eyes, and grabbed my head. It was unbearable. But it felt like I was used to it. And I was. This wasn't the first time I had a dream like this. Then the hunger washed over me... the uncontrollable hunger... the hunger for blood... for meat... [this ending comes out of nowhere]

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Mechanical issues – repetition, redundancies, overuse of ellipses, plenty of awkward wording.

Style issues – seemingly, almost, nearly, looked like, some, continued -> these words exist in conversation to give it a natural rhythm and express doubt. In writing though they are easy to over rely on and they mess it up. The writing doesn’t feel natural, it’s awkward, and you don’t do much to create an interesting image. You just tell us what’s happening in plain and uninteresting terms. E.g. “used some heat to burn the skin together” – what do you mean by ‘some heat’? Don’t want to give us an image? How about a laser, a welding torch, or a white hot glowing piece of metal? Let’s take another example - There were also jars full of different colored gasses -> what gases? What do they look like? Are they smoky? Foggy? Let’s take one last example - trays full of metal tools -> What metal tools? Scalpels? Buzzsaws? Hacksaws? Be imaginative, be creative, be interesting.

Plot issues – I think you know this isn’t up to scratch or else you wouldn’t have included the excuse “it was a nightmare”. Nightmares are nightmares, stories are stories; can’t take one and make it into the other without some work. Put simply – this isn’t entertaining. And to rebuff your defence – I don’t care it’s a nightmare. I want to read a good story.

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The Good: You take some effort at the start to get us into the whole sleepy feeling. The idea itself is interesting, and it’s weird enough to warrant work. You just need to do more showing and less telling, and put your imagination to work when creating imagery.

