Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26066990-20150202173450/@comment-26007602-20150203170232

While your grammar is fairly spot on (there only needs to be one space between paragraphs though), there are a few plot issues I see with this story.

First off, the characters Adam and Jackson obviously only act as red shirts for the protagonist. You'll need to give them more interactions with the other two main characters if you wan the reader to care at all for their deaths. As it stands, you introduce them and quickly kill them off. I'd also say the two main characters should have more interactions as well; do abut more than telling how they interact, show how they interact. Give us some dialogue and what not.

Did I miss the part in the story where the main character grabs a bag of rubles or what not? I'm a bit lost at the last line, but maybe I skimmed over it.

I'm a bit wary how the main character managed to sneak a switchblade past airport security and into Russia. Seems a bit unrealistic; maybe mention him purchasing it in Russia instead.

Too many ellipses in the story. They are fine to indicate pauses in dialogue, but they don't create suspense when used outside.

I don't mind the main villain lady, but I worry that the dolls are and marionette are a tad cliche. The line about "blood everywhere" should also be nixed as it serves no real purpose other than to throw blood everywhere. I'd try to find something unique to use the dolls for (maybe connect all of them to the puppet lady literally?) as you need to put a new spin on a cliche for it to work.

I also must say that the beginning of the story isn't particularly interesting. It's devoid of tension or build up and only provides useless backstory of the character. Give us backstory of the place instead. The character isn't important in this story; the area is. Give the reader some reason to be unnerved at the kadychan location.

All in all, I really think if you give the place more build up, the characters more interactions, and find a different way to use creepy dolls, this story could really work.