Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32641928-20170721111642/@comment-24101790-20170721134633

LizBritos1 wrote: To make this clear the way it is written was done on purpose. It meant to look like it was written by a person who doesn't say things like "aww Thanks, dad you didn't have too." but "I appreciate the gift but I assure you, you weren't required to buy me anything." She analyzes everything and will remember things like a number of pages in a book over what her father actually said to her.

A lot of this is over-written, which makes the capitalization, punctuation, and wording errors even more noticeable. Lines like: "Being upset feels like it should be the right reaction, but I am sure that the combination of characteristics that make up my personality can be trying.", "I wanted to name her. I understand names are nothing but a word or set of words used to address or refer to others.", etc. tend to feel overly prose-y and don't really enhance the story much and tends to detract from the plot more than it adds.

Capitalization: You have a tendency to improperly capitalize words when utilizing dialogue. "real?” yes(Yes), I know that is quite irrational, but it was a fun thought.", "she (She) smiled much like she did within the dream", "mocking me “you (You) are you and I am you.”", "walk away “then (Then) this conversation is best terminated”", etc.

Punctuation: Punctuation missing before dialogue. "I wondered(,/:) “If I name you will you become real?”", "I inquired(,/:) “Who are you?”", " you?” Wording: "When I was complete, I looked at the book for some time", "walk away(,:/?.) “then this conversation is best terminated(.)”", etc. Punctuation left outside of dialogue. "“I am you”."

Punctuation cont.: There are a number of times you don't properly use punctuation. "I feel sorry for my father(comma missing) he has had to deal with me for so long.", "she laughs(comma missing) mocking me", "I ignored this going to my bedroom", "that night I dreamed of her again(,/.) this time she was much closer than before with brown water leaking from her mouth and eyes as she asked me many questions I didn't wish to answer.", etc.

Wording: "The next day should try to pull me into the room again, this time much stronger than before.", "Now, days later, I felt seen or heard from her once, I am assuming it was likely my imagination yet,", etc. You also have tensing issues in which you shift from past tense ("When I first heard this it surprised me, she was likely a figment of my imagination.") to present tense ("“if you are me, who am I?” she laughs mocking me"") and back to past tense ("it felt like she was trying to force me back into the room.") without much reason.

Repetition: There's a lot of redundancy here that weighs down the story flow. "At the time I assured my father I appreciated the gift but it was completely unnecessary. He assured me that he did it out of his own free will because he feels an intense feeling of deep affection for me. I assured him that I felt quite similar. He assured me that he did it out of his own free will because he feels an intense feeling of deep affection for me. I assured him that I felt quite similar."

Story issues: Formatting needs a lot of work here. First and foremost, your paragraphs need to be more broken up. A typical paragraph is five to ten sentences long. Any shorter and it feels like padding, any longer and it makes the text appear blocky. Additionally dialogue between multiple speakers needs to be spaced out so two people don't have their dialogue on the same paragraph. This will help improve story flow and prevent issues of misattribution.

Story issues cont.: The story also needs quite a bit of work as it's told passively which sucks a lot of the tension/impact out of the story. Take the climax of the story for example: "I just set in the corner trying to ignore her as the room filled with her dark liquid. The next day should try to pull me into the room again, this time much stronger than before. Realizing this situation may get out of hand, I decided to destroy the picture of her and throw the book in the trash." This needs a lot more build-up and description if you're looking to make it effective.

Story issues end: The ending also feels a bit weak as wrapping it up with: "I am assuming it was likely my imagination yet, to be frank, I am not completely sure and the idea of this scares me. So I decided to share this with people as a way to get this situation out of my mind." just feels anti-climactic. Give reasons why the protagonist is unsure about the events, help the audience get invested in the story and give the plot a bit more punch at the end. I'm sorry, but in its current form, this story isn't up to quality standards and I think a lot of re-writing is in your future if you plan on posting it.