Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25288358-20150118104155/@comment-26007602-20150118181937

I have no idea if that creature in the picture is a reference to something that would make this story make more sense (I'm going to assume that it isn't), but I'll give my opinion regardless. (NOTE: Going into this, I can see that this review is going to be fairly long, prepare yourself for that)

Your grammar and spelling are fine for the most part; I didn't see any glaring issues that took me out of the story. The mistakes are present though; run this through Word, as I have other things I'd to discuss about the story beyond grammar.However, you overuse ellipses waaaaay too much. They're fine in dialogue to indicate pauses (although I recommend cutting back on them still), but have no place outside of dialogue. You're trying to use them to build suspense, but they're ultimately unnecessary and annoying. Also, don't use all caps to indicate screaming. It is unnecessary and unprofessional.

Who boy, let's get to the big stuff: the story itself. Unfortunately, the story itself is not good. First off, they turn into "Magical Girls"? Really? Please choose a different name than that, as it sounds utterly ridiculous. The introductory paragraph itself is very confusing (I'd also change the sentence, "It's where 5 girls that are teens are chosen..." to "It's where 5 teenage girls are chosen..."). You introduce our main character (who has no real defining traits or characteristics; even the other girls all had one personality trait), "He" (who is never elaborated on or explained), and the "Evil Witches", who aren't explained either and are just there to be evil. You need to build on all of these concepts, because they are incredibly weak at telling a story without being used effectively.

Normally, I tell other writers to cut back on detail, as it doesn't always contribute to the story. But here, we need more detail. Describe the setting, describe the creatures, describe how the narrator feels.

The second paragraph is even more confusing than the first one. You introduce "Grief Seed" (What?) and "Soul Gems" (these don't need to be capitalized). The Grief Seed is never mentioned again, so I'd nix it entirely, as it doesn't contribute to the story. The use of the Soul Gem to "purify it to get powers" is also utterly useless and inconsequential to the story. It is used in the story, but doesn't contribute to the plot or ending meaningfully, so I'd get rid of it too. You describe "He" again (Who looks adorable and not scary at all), and start introducing the "Game" and the other characters. There should be a reason he chose these girls, but there isn't, and it's never explained.

The game's rules seem arbitrary and serve no real purpose than to generate fake tension. I'd give them more meaning. Id' also give the game more meaning; they're going to solve puzzles? Why? I thought they were going to fight "Evil Witches". Side note: No puzzle solving occurs; they fight and run through a maze. The four other girls themselves are highly underdeveloped and having no defining character traits or motivations. Hence, I was unmoved when they were killed off, as you had introduced them only lines before. You really need to build these gals up and let readers sympathize with them if you want us to care when they die. Also their dialogue is a bit unnatural.

'Hello Olivia I'm Beth. Wait are you a bit shy Olivia?' 'Hmph well I'm Plutonia and I'm stuck with you losers...' 'Stop you evil thing! Your just causing us pain! Do you enjoy watching people suffer!?' Can you imagine someone saying these things? I can't. Having five characters in a creepypasta (especially when they are son underdeveloped and interchangeable) isn't usually the best idea. I'd cut back to two or three girls to really focus on their development.

The rest of the story lacks the detail it critically needs and ends on the clichéd, "it was all a dream" note. Don't end it like that; it's a cliché for a reason. You also gave "He" (Is he a kind of pokemon? He looks like he should be.) a catchphrase, which does not make him scary. He doesn't need a catchphrase; get rid of that. These pictures... I'm sorry; thy are not the least bit creepy. That thing is adorable. I would sooner hug it than run in fear. I'd recommend choosing a different mascot than him (also there are five girls in the last picture, when the story says there are four).

I just don't see why this is a creepypasta. There are no horror elements and nothing to unnerve the reader. This would either need a huge rework, or to be scrapped completely. I think I'd recommend the latter; the plot is just not suited for a creepypasta story. Of course, you have no obligation to agree with my opinion. Whatever you decide to do, good luck with it! Hope this helped!