Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10789912-20151008060113/@comment-10789912-20151008185654

Umbrello wrote: A good start, but it needs more, and less. Let me explain:

The first chapter went by too fast. You told us so much about the characters in such a short time it was hard to absorb it all. It would better if the characters told us some things through dialogue or you added stuff in that isn't just information. The characters' actions don't really carry any weight if we only know their names, physical appearances, and how they know each other.

The second chapter, again, had too much information. You told us so much about the boat that doesn't matter. We don't need to know how it works or the exact floorplan of the inside. We need to know about the characters, not the boat. How do the characters feel about being on this boat for a month? Do they all feel the same way? Do they all like fish? How will the relationships between the characters affect their time on the boat? This would be a great time to delve into those things. The dialogue was also very unnatural. Try to imagine how someone you know would say things and maybe rewrite the lines. I find it's an effective method.

I loved how the third chapter was a sudden change of pace, and that the main character is already part of this dark world. This chapter was much more convincing than the first two. Some of the descriptions of the characters' movements could be slightly clearer. And I kind of felt like the main character should know that Melody will not really be spared. Still, I felt it went by a little too quickly. Give us more to chew on, not as far as the plot, but just in the emotional and descriptive areas.

Now some grammar stuff:

I'm sure some of the mistakes you will catch if you read through it again slowly. A few reoccurring errors are that you spelled "clothes" as "cloths", and put a period at the end of dialogue instead of comma.

There's a part where you say "let out a snarky laughter" where you probably meant "laugh".

This sentence needs help: To the back right corner of the boat was an on-deck fuel bladder was located. Either remove the first "was" or the "was located".

There's others, but like I said, you just have to read it slowly and you'll find them. Overall, I think if you focus more on the characters and reduce the superfluous details you will see a big improvement.

I'd just like to touch on some things, that may help a bit, but I'll be taking all of this to heart.

"The Masked Man" was a character I've already used once, in The Night Man. Mendes has appeared in several stories, and Michael was portrayed as his follower, but eventually the two go separate ways and fight in In Torment III.

This is an origin story for Michael, which exists to fill in the gaps. Also, this is the first 3 chapters, to a story which will have about 9. the inside of the boat will be the setting for the majority of the coming chapters, and the "fishing" part will also be touched on in detail. The characters will have a plethora of time to speak about themselves, and there will be a scene, at night, where all 4 characters will be talking about themselves, and their memories.

Also, the killing is expected to be done by Michael. I do not believe you read the In Torment series, but I'll point something out. In this story, he is called Michael Collins, and in the In Torment stories, he is called Michael Asher. That is about as much detail as I will go into that for now.

I will attempt to fix the pacing issues in the first two chapters, but I do feel the details were needed.