Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35522711-20180507234134/@comment-34823985-20180508234611

Skull2237 wrote: Kolpik wrote: I like this. I'm not the one to ask if this is a cliché or not. I suppose it's possible this idea has been used plenty of times before, but that shouldn't keep you from expressing yourself. Story ideas don't always pan out, but each one is a step towards improving your writing ability.

I do think you need to work on some of the sentence structuring, though. Example: It was here I discovered that the twisted things are born with Angels in their chests, and I also, in thought, figured that the Angels decay over time, the ones in the older demons too far gone to be noticed, their light destroyed over time. - That doesn't have to be all one sentence. I'd recommend writing it a few different ways to see what flows best.

You could also break those first two big paragraphs into 4 or 5 smaller ones. All in all, I think you've got a good story here. I've never played Bioshock, so I could be wrong, but I think you just did something so many people don't seem to get. You took inspiration for your story from something without making it resemble that thing.

Take a little more time to make it the best you think it can be. Good job, good luck, and good good. :) Thank you so much for your advice. I shall take full advantage of it to help iron it out. And yeah, I kinda agree, it only somewhat resembles what I was going for. This in mind, I might see about adding something that might clarify how this thing "sees", and make it more interesting. What do you think? Well sure, you can add more content to clarify the protagonist's motives or driving force. You could show us more of the point of view of the 'demons' (I liked the part with the parents). Heck, you could clarify the whole story, and just tell us exactly what's going on, but I like the protagonist's view. It's mixed up views of what people are, and how it feels like its doing good by freeing hearts... oops, I meant to say angels. ;)

It's up to you what you do. You can clean up this story, or this could just be a sort of summary for a longer more in depth story. Best of luck whatever you decide.