Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170131150927/@comment-31111342-20170131174604

With the grammatical issues already explained in detail, I'll give you some criticism on the story itself. Thing is, I have to use "story" in the loosest terms.

What you have here is the bare bones of a plot, the "shitty first draft", if you will. This isn't really a story, it's just a bunch of events told in 3 paragraphs, two of them way too blocky, with nothing really driving them. We barely know the protagonist's brother, so why care that he died immediately?

And then have "him" return immediately? Apart from the fact that he died and was ignoring Jimmy, what is there to make us think he's some weird imposter made of worms? What other weird things is he doing, or at least, what is he doing that the narrator's brother doesn't do? What does everyone else feel about his sudden return from the grave and his weird actions? What does his girlfriend think? You put her in the story, give her a reason to be there. Maybe have her be ignored, as well, or have her pick up on things the narrator doesn't. If you don't want her to be relevant, don't have her be there.

This needs a lot of work, especially in terms of lengthening it and adding details. What is their little, isolated town like? What is life like before the hunting trip? How does the narrator feel when the bear shows up? (P.S.- A typical brown bear, which I assume this is, really has no reason to just spontaneously attack. They attack if they feel surprised or threatened.) Describe the bear, describe the surroundings. Could they have wandered into it's territory? Disturbed a cub? Did it hear gunshots and feel threatened? How long did the mauling sounds last? Describe them in detail, and describe how the narrator feels.

Etc, etc, etc.

I can go on, but I think you get the point. Put feeling behind this, put details, put characterization and tone and setting and motivation. Make us ''care. ''Make us feel something. If you can do that, you can successfully scare us.