Talk:Eyeless Jack/@comment-14054617-20140429144939

Opening paragraph is okay but ends in a clunky way. It would read better if you put now in italics rather then having that weird comma.

Also, there is some weird comma placement here.

It should say "since we had not seen each other in ten years" instead of "after." You should also just write out the numbers since this could be someone talking to me, or a found footage type document.

The doctors line is weird and unprofessional. I thin k he would be baffled, confused. He of all people in this story would want to know how this kidney heist happened. Also, how did he discover the stitches without Mitch knowing? They wouldn't knock him out just to stitch up his cheek.

Yes, clearly the scariest thing about this situation was the dark mask eye holes...

He keeps a camera by his bed? This could have been expositioned in the story simply by saying the main character had a hobby in photography.

"and tried to claw open my chest to get my lungs" How does Mitch know the creatures intentions? Were is the pain? The blood? The ripped clothing? The scene is rushed and lacks substance.

Falling unconcious and waking up in the hospital cliche.

"My doctor entered my room. The same one who treated me before" You could have just given the doctor a name. And saying he was Mitche's primary physician, then saying he was the same doctor from before is rewdundant.

The doctor delivers news of Mitche's brothers death with such deadpan. Also, this news would probably be dropped by a cop, not a doctor. I would have left the brothers fate unknown, that way we could speculate if maybe he wasn't Jack all along. Just a thought.

He entered a crime scene and removed evidence. Where were the cops? Why did he pick up something if he didn't know what it was? Why would his parents let him go back to the place of so much recent trauma?

I'm not going to make any edits because I feel it requires a large rewrite and that's for the author to do. These are just things that bugged me and if corrected could make this story better.