Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34296765-20160531232029/@comment-28266772-20160601083104

"His back still burned from the good whippings served by his two assailants behind him" I think the extra words "behind him" lengthen this sentence a bit too much. It's up to you, but I think it harms the flow.

"who were still watching him open the rusty golden cubic box, just barely big enough to fit him in." this breaks the flow of events. We go from him opening the box, to finding out he'd been whipped, back to him opening the box in the 3rd sentence. Perhaps if it read "who had watched him open the rusty etc."

"just barely big enough to fit him in.  It left no room for the boy to move" similarly these two lines are redundant. They both let us know the box is cramped, but not in a way that justifies for it to be mentioned twice.

Overall this is a good story, though the sentences can be a little too long and aren't written in a way that justifies it. I also think some sentences are a bit hard to read.

e.g. "He could hear the two people outside dragging a metallic container onto the plastic camp table, the two surfaces scraping against each other and making a dull hum-like sound in the process." there's a lot of subjects, objects, and adjectives into this sentence and their relationship isn't always obvious. I think it'd be more haunting if you focused on the dull hum-like noise, and went on to describe where it was coming from. This hooks the reader first, and then elaborates.

I would also use the term 'brass box' less. Simply because it's a short story and it feels repetitive. I know it's a recurring motif, but you use those exact words quite a few times. I'd also recommend you add even just one or two descriptive qualifiers to the parents' speech at the end. Instead of just "his mother said" it could be "his mother snapped, or barked, or his mother cried in a shrill voice, etc." But yeah overall this is a good story. I enjoyed reading it and I didn't see any spelling errors or grammatical errors. Great twist ending. Great plot. Really enjoyed it.

Also I don't mind the title. I think it's good. Is there a reason you're asking for another? Is it already taken?