User blog:Rainboh/Lost

I cheated on my boyfriend. Instead of being smart about it and telling him about it when it happened, I ended up getting hacked and someone gave him a log of EVERY message I sent on facebook since the account was started. The hacker said, "Hey, dude.  I have something I think you should see." So my boyfriend used the find function and went through some of it trying to figure out what I could have done that was so bad. He never thought that it would have been me cheating on him. But its not like that's the only thing I lied about. I lied about a lot of things. He's asked me why I did the things I did and the majority of the time I don't have a legitimate reason. He is my light. My rock. My future. And I hurt him beyond belief. I just kept telling myself that I'd tell him when the time was right. And he keeps saying that if I hadn't lied to him about it, that he wouldn't even be as mad as he is. He says he can't trust me and he has every right to feel the way that he does. Part of me cheated because I stayed fucked up... part of it was anger or spite. But to be honest, no one holds a candle to him. No one made me feel good... and even though I was being spiteful, I still felt really guilty. And he says he thinks the only reason I'm remorseful is because I got caught... he says that I'm not sorry that I did it. That I'm just sorry that I got caught and that is the furthest thing from the truth. Part of me wishes he could get into my head and see that I really hate that I did this to him. I'm not certain about where we stand since he says he does forgive me and wants to be with me because he still loves me. The problem I'm having is that I don't forgive myself. Not in the least. I feel dead. All I've done is cry. I want to take it all back... I want to marry him and have a future with him. I just hope we can work on this. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. But I have come to realize that I need to stay sober. Since I make really poor decisions when I'm drunk.