User talk:TheAzumangaDaiohFan

Archive 1

Archive 2

Archive 3

Archive 4

Archive 5

Archives
Hmm... I'm only confident about archiving my own talk page, but I'll pass on the instructions Jay Ten gave me.

To start, bring up a submission page like you're going to add a story, and put this as your title- User talk:TheAzumangaDaiohFan/Archive 5

Then in another tab bring your talk page up in the editor, then highlight and copy it. Next, go back to the archive page you're creating and paste your talk page into the editor, then submit. Lastly, go back, clear your talk page, and add the link to your archive at the top of your new blank talk page.

I hope that helps. It worked for me when I tried it. You might want to ask our mutual friend Vroom for help too. As for the Pokemon story, it's good you're making progress. I don't know if you saw, but I am interested in seeing the chapter outline. Raidra (talk) 20:31, January 10, 2016 (UTC)


 * I saw your post about archiving on Raidra's talk page, so I archived it (sorry if I overstepped my boundaries). I don't mind doing it, you can ask me any time and I'll be glad to do it. I suck at explaining, so it's just easier for me to do it than to explain it, but Raidra explained it really well.


 * Also, I'll look over your pasta on Friday. If I haven't stated that I've begun looking it over by then, come to my talk page and ride me about it. I meant to do it last week, but I've been busy verbally jousting with UPS's HR over the phone about my paychecks that I still haven't received, writing a contest entry, job hunting and trying to figure out how to upgrade my Desktop with a better processor, so I haven't had much time. I give you my word that I'll get to it though, I'm very sorry about the delay. Thanks for being patient and cool about it :) Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  22:48, January 10, 2016 (UTC)

Gotta Catch em All
Cool! Let me know how that goes :D Also, does it take place in Johto or is it a new region (Brasswood is a new town/city as far as I know)? I plan on looking over your story tomorrow and trying to find things to nitpick. Thanks for your patience! Buckle up  I'm going to be popular  08:11, January 12, 2016 (UTC)


 * Gotcha, I was a bit confused since you said that her dad used to be a gym leader in Johto and then mentioned Brasswood. Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  22:35, January 12, 2016 (UTC)


 * You should definitely implement your Delibird idea! Feel free to make an account and post your story on my forums under the User Writings section: http://vroomvroom.freeforums.net/
 * (I'd hate for you to go through the effort of writing it and not having anywhere to post it). Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  03:42, January 13, 2016 (UTC)

Corrections
I don't know if you've got a newer version of the story out, but here's the one that I am looking at: http://pastebin.com/DWYAjLVv

I have spotted an error on the first sentence of line 21: "From what I remember, it was pretty nice place." You need to insert "a" between "was" and "pretty". I'll post more corrections/issues as I continue to read through it (my computer is bad about overheating). Buckle up  I'm going to be popular  22:23, January 12, 2016 (UTC)


 * On line 83: "She then took a few deep breaths and tried to figure out a way to disguise it." I recommend explaining how she disguised her voice as it was never stated (you might have her communicate with the samurai through writing and have her lie that she is mute or took an arrow to the throat in battle). Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  19:41, January 15, 2016 (UTC)


 * Line 107: "Kristy please! Don't act like your the only one who isn't happy about your father's company forcing him to transfer to another branch for God knows what!" Your should be you're.  Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  19:46, January 15, 2016 (UTC)


 * I have a bit of a personal taste problem with line 151: She just saw the samurai and was hyperventilating, but now she decides to just ignore it and continue playing the video. That's the last thing anyone would do if they saw/thought they saw an intruder in their house.


 * I don't know what plans you have for the Samurai and its relation to the video, but perhaps you could make it to where the Samurai wants her to see the end of the video since she started watching it and thus presses the play button and holds her down, forcing her to watch the rest of the video? There's something sinister about something forcing you to watch a video and that would give you an easy doorway to go full-on horror mode with the pasta. That's just my opinion and I apologize if I came across as rude :) Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  20:57, January 15, 2016 (UTC)


 * Nah, I don't have anything better. Let me know when you add some more chapters and I'll be happy to look over it again! Hopefully it doesn't take me as long to give you feedback next time. Also, that Haunting Hour sounds interesting. I think I can vaguely recall The Blob That Ate Everyone. Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  06:11, January 16, 2016 (UTC)

PokeDraft
Thanks! I'll review it when I'm able. Raidra (talk) 23:58, January 15, 2016 (UTC)

I thought this was good. From the beginning it was very realistic. With that first line about Emily's prayer to Arceus you established the belief system of the character and that society. I could identify with the character- her fear and other emotions. I also thought it was interesting how she made sure the package was sent on ahead. She's conflicted, but still cares about others.

There were a couple typos.
 * Section 2- Brief flashbacks of Emily's family are shown and start out with a happy but flawed family and gradually leads up to a broken and unhappy divorced family, where her father Jason is kicked out of the house by her mother Sarah and is ordered to not only stay away from the property but to never see Emily again.- Brief flashbacks of Emily's family are shown and start out with a happy but flawed family and gradually lead up to a broken and unhappy divorced family, where her father Jason is kicked out of the house by her mother Sarah and is ordered to not only stay away from the property but to never see Emily again.
 * Section 14- Emily the sees Penny perform a powerful Dig attack against the man's Nidorino.- Emily then sees Penny perform a powerful Dig attack against the man's Nidorino.
 * Section 28- The clerk in the mart greets Emily and observing her small statute, slides a box over to the counter to help Emily reach it.- The clerk in the mart greets Emily and, observing her small statute, slides a box over to the counter to help Emily reach it.

Other than that I have nothing but praise. I'm eager to see the next installments. Keep up the good work! :-) Raidra (talk) 00:16, January 17, 2016 (UTC)

Memories light the corners of my mind
It sounds good to me. Raidra (talk) 14:15, January 18, 2016 (UTC)

Title explanation
It's the opening line of the Barbra Streisand song "The Way We Were" (from the movie of the same name). I thought of it since your story opened by talking about memories.

I enjoyed the expansion. It does even more of what the original draft did- provide background and allow the reader to identify with the character. Whether you have it on a blog or elsewhere, let me know when you have more. Raidra (talk) 05:08, January 19, 2016 (UTC)

Pumpkinhead
I read your review of Pumpkinhead and liked it. The episode sounds like it has fairly unique premise and the picture looks neat/vicious. I'm oddly a bit bummed to hear that some of the acting wasn't good, despite not having any stake in the show. Ah well. Just thought I'd drop in and let you know that I'm still reading your blogs (granted, I haven't read all of them). Buckle up  I'm going to be popular  22:58, January 19, 2016 (UTC)

I have a question
If I notice a typo or grammar mistake, should I point it out when you post the part, or wait until after you've posted the whole draft (like I'm doing with your samurai/Haunting Hour pasta)? Raidra (talk) 00:20, January 20, 2016 (UTC)

Cool
I ask because I noticed in your paragraph you misspelled "musclebound" once (It's in the sentence beginning, "In these memories". The other ones in the paragraph are correct) and also misspelled "Unfortunately". If there's anything else I find I'll let you know. Thank you for including me in this. :-) Raidra (talk) 00:05, January 21, 2016 (UTC)

There's something else I've noticed in your drafts- after a quote you sometimes capitalize words that should be left lowercase. Here's some advice I passed on to another one of my friends.

When you have a quote that would normally end in a period (as opposed to a question mark or exclamation point), then the quote generally should end with a comma instead of a period, and what follows next should be left un-capitalized (unless of course it's something that should be capitalized, like a person's name, such as "Chopping onions is hard!" Tom said tearfully). However, that's only if what follows the quote is a continuation of the overall sentence. If what follows is a new sentence, then the quote should end with a period and what follows next should be capitalized. It's the same thing with what precedes a quote. If it's part of the overall sentence, then you should end it with a comma. If it's a separate sentence, then you should end it with a period. To show what I mean here's a short story which was inspired an anecdote from a joke book.

''Two battered wrecks of humanity sat together on a bench in the city park. Finally one sat up and sighed. Turning to his neighbor, he asked, "You want to know how I got in the shape I'm in? It's because I never took advice from anybody." He stared back down at his feet.''

''The other man chuckled, but his chuckling was oddly sympathetic. "Shake, old fellow," he told his bench mate as he extended his hand for a handshake. "I'm in the shape I'm in because I followed everybody's advice."''

Also, unless the quote is part of dialogue that's going back and forth (meaning the speakers have been established at the beginning of the conversation and the reader should be able to keep track of who's speaking easily), establish the speaker in the same sentence so his or her identity will be clear (such as "Chopping onions is hard!" Tom said tearfully, or Tom said tearfully, "Chopping onions is hard!"). The exception would be if you wanted to establish the speaker's identity as part of a new paragraph.

"Chopping onions is hard!"

''She turned around. It was Tom who had said it. His look matched the tearful tone in his voice. He always did get frustrated when dealing with tasks related to cooking important dinners such as this one. He put too much pressure on himself.''

This concludes this lesson/Great Moments in Excerpts from Non-Existent Dramas about Onion Chopping segment. Raidra (talk) 01:10, January 22, 2016 (UTC)

PokePasta
It seems good so far. I'll do my best to keep up with it :D Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  00:57, January 22, 2016 (UTC)


 * I overlooked your message the other day. I'll try to read it tomorrow and will get back to you on it. I can't focus on anything right now, sorry, bad headache. I just wanted you to know that I saw it :) Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  05:45, January 25, 2016 (UTC)


 * Huh, I honestly don't know how I feel about him killing Agatha. One thing I do know is that Bruno is totally Brock's dad despite what the anime claims. It's so odd that Koga ends up on the Elite Four. Anyway, I always saw L as the joke among the Elite Four as she was the first one that you would face in the games, though I guess Bruno was at a type disadvantage among the other three members. Interesting to say the least! Keep me updated :D Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  22:06, January 25, 2016 (UTC)


 * I just got an idea. You might see about reading through some Pokedex entries for story ideas. I know that some Pokedex entries are really dark and twisted. Buckle up   I'm going to be popular  06:02, January 27, 2016 (UTC)

~points specifically~
The specific pointer, at your service! Here are the ones from the new Pokemon Garnet excerpt you posted on my talk page.
 * As the memories raced by, the grown woman gradually faded into the background until in one memory, the grown woman and musclebound man started to argue. In fact, a few memories after had reselmbled this one. Eventually, a memory of the grown woman defeating the musclebound man in 2 out of 3 sanctioned battles had came into fruition as well as a memory of the musclebound man packing up his things and whispering to the young girl "If you need me, I'll be in the region where the Nidoran roam".- As the memories raced by, the grown woman gradually faded into the background until in one memory, the grown woman and musclebound man started to argue. In fact, a few memories after had resembled this one. Eventually, a memory of the grown woman defeating the musclebound man in 2 out of 3 sanctioned battles had came into fruition as well as a memory of the musclebound man packing up his things and whispering to the young girl, "If you need me, I'll be in the region where the Nidoran roam".
 * "Arceus" the girl said, "Please help me find a way to start Pokemon training early. I just can't deal with this anymor---" Just as the girl was about to finish her prayer, a woman had entered her room and quickly flipped on the lights. "Emily, is everything okay in here?" The woman asked with a shaky voice. Emily yelped loudly and quickly crawled under her bed. "Please don't hurt me mom!" Shouted Emily. Her mother sighed heavily and said "I promise I won't hurt you, okay."- "Arceus," the girl said, "please help me find a way to start Pokemon training early. I just can't deal with this anymor---" Just as the girl was about to finish her prayer, a woman had entered her room and quickly flipped on the lights. "Emily, is everything okay in here?" the woman asked with a shaky voice. Emily yelped loudly and quickly crawled under her bed. "Please don't hurt me, mom!" shouted Emily. Her mother sighed heavily and said, "I promise I won't hurt you, okay?"
 * "Are you sure this time?" Asked Emily.- "Are you sure this time?" asked Emily.

Here are some from the Haunting Hour Lost Episode pasta. I was waiting until I had the final draft to point out any minor typos, but since you asked, I thought I'd go ahead and give the quotation ones.

Chapter 2
 * Basically, the cover had the title "R.L Stine's: The Haunting Hour: Super Disc" Written on it with what I like to call "Microsoft Word Bubble Text".- Basically, the cover had the title "R.L Stine's: The Haunting Hour: Super Disc" written on it with what I like to call "Microsoft Word Bubble Text".

Chapter 3
 * "Are you alright?!" Asked Erika.- "Are you alright?!" asked Erika.

Chapter 5
 * "From what I've heard, the invading army is using some kind of technique where they hide in various places and ambush enemy soldiers." Said one samurai. "They seem to be using soldiers to lure our men into the woods with a horseback chase. We would go investigate ourselves, but we've been told by the Daimyo to stay put in order to prevent losing more men," Said another samurai.- "From what I've heard, the invading army is using some kind of technique where they hide in various places and ambush enemy soldiers," said one samurai.

"They seem to be using soldiers to lure our men into the woods with a horseback chase. We would go investigate ourselves, but we've been told by the Daimyo to stay put in order to prevent losing more men," said another samurai.


 * When she was investigating, she came across samurai armor with no body attached to it. "Hmm..." Said the girl.- When she was investigating, she came across samurai armor with no body attached to it. "Hmm..." said the girl.

Chapter 8
 * As Kristy set out on her walk, she took note of the street's colour. She then let out a small grunt and said to herself, "Who chose the street colour, leprechauns?".- As Kristy set out on her walk, she took note of the street's colour. She then let out a small grunt and said to herself, "Who chose the street colour, leprechauns?"

Chapter 9
 * The boy then shouted "Woo Hoo!" As Erika told him he could go home. I clenched my teeth and released an audible scoff as I marched up the stairs and into my room.- The boy then shouted "Woo Hoo!" as Erika told him he could go home. I clenched my teeth and released an audible scoff as I marched up the stairs and into my room.

I'm always happy to help. Raidra (talk) 02:53, January 23, 2016 (UTC)


 * I have it pasted onto a word file to review. It'll be a little while because I only got four hours of sleep last night (which is ironic considering a conversation Vroom and I had recently).  I appreciate you posting what you have so far because that made it convenient for me. :-) Raidra (talk) 01:37, January 25, 2016 (UTC)

Samurai
My gosh! People are crazy! I remember reading an article about someone who worked on the DC Comic The Flash, and he revealed that a villain named Murmur was based on one of his neighbors, described as a wall-eyed man who ran his chainsaw at all hours, bottled maple syrup in oil cans and sold it, and once accidentally set the entire hillside on fire. He would also get on his roof and start hammering- and he didn't have any nails.

First comes the grammar and spelling review. You need to italicize the names of TV shows, but you've correctly put the names of the episodes in quotations marks. Speaking of italics, the parts in italics are just suggestions.

Chapter 1
 * At the same time though, I still had my doubts about the show, thinking it was going to be just as cheesy as the Goosebumps TV series.- At the same time, though, I still had my doubts about the show, thinking it was going to be just as cheesy as the Goosebumps TV series.
 * Oh don't get me wrong! From what I understand, this WAS supposed to be with said run but I haven't seen it on Discovery Family nor have I seen it anywhere on the internet where I could watch it for free!- Oh, don't get me wrong! From what I understand, this WAS supposed to be with said run but I haven't seen it on Discovery Family nor have I seen it anywhere on the internet where I could watch it for free!

Chapter 2
 * When I took the case off the shelf, I looked at the cover and while I was intrigued, it made me raise one of my eyebrows and say "huh?" out loud. Basically, the cover had the title "R.L Stine's: The Haunting Hour: Super Disc" Written on it with what I like to call "Microsoft Word Bubble Text".- When I took the case off the shelf, I looked at the cover and while I was intrigued, it made me raise one of my eyebrows and say "Huh?" out loud. Basically, the cover had the title "R.L Stine's: The Haunting Hour: Super Disc" Written on it with what I like to call "Microsoft Word Bubble Text".
 * One of the left arms looked like it was made out of light silver smoke that had see through holes and scratch marks.- One of the left arms looked like it was made out of light silver smoke that had see-through holes and scratch marks.
 * During this time, I was unable to move and breath as I was trying to figure out what was going on.- During this time, I was unable to move and breathe as I was trying to figure out what was going on.
 * A little while later, Erika came home and as soon as she went into the kitchen to put away some groceries, I asked her about the DVD I had found. Although she seemed rather stressed out as she was putting away the groceries. The closest thing I got to a response was "Yeah OK, whatever honey!"- A little while later, Erika came home and as soon as she went into the kitchen to put away some groceries, I asked her about the DVD I had found, although she seemed rather stressed out as she was putting away the groceries. The closest thing I got to a response was "Yeah, OK, whatever, honey!"

Chapter 3
 * Both beds had white pillows and manilla blankets, along with a Mickey Mouse and Looney Tunes comforter rolled up inside of footlockers that were clipped to the foot of the beds.- Both beds had white pillows and manilla blankets, along with Mickey Mouse and Looney Tunes comforters rolled up inside of footlockers that were clipped to the foot of the beds.
 * "Are you alright?!" Asked Erika. She also wondered if I had gotten a concussion from the rubble. "Nope!" I responded cheerfully. Although I didn't get a concussion, I did get a couple of nickel sized bruises on my forehead.- "Are you alright?!" Asked Erika. She also wondered if I had gotten a concussion from the rubble. "Nope!" I responded cheerfully. Although I didn't get a concussion, I did get a couple of nickel-sized bruises on my forehead.
 * "Oh boy!" Erika said with concern, "It looks like you've got bruises all over you! Maybe you should go upstairs and rest for awhile."- "Oh boy!" Erika said with concern. "It looks like you've got bruises all over you! Maybe you should go upstairs and rest for awhile."
 * There's an extra space between "I" and "noticed" in “While I was heading off to my room, I noticed that I was slightly limping and I felt rather sore.”]

Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
 * There's an extra space between "excitement" and "I" in “With my hard to contain excitement, I quickly put the disc into the DVD player and sat down on the daybed.”]
 * Keep this in mind, I wasn't watching this on a big screen HDTV. Instead, it was one of those little, "Camel" TV's with the big backs on them.- Keep this in mind- I wasn't watching this on a big screen HDTV. Instead, it was one of those little "Camel" TV's with the big backs on them.
 * Unfortunately, they didn't make it very far as a streak of golden light came towards them at such a breakneck speed, that by the time they turned around and tried to get out of the way, the light had already dashed through them, causing them to fall off their horses and hit the ground hard enough to be rendered immobile.- Unfortunately, they didn't make it very far as a streak of golden light came towards them at such a breakneck speed, that by the time they turned around and tried to get out of the way, the light had already dashed through them, causing them to fall off their horses and hit the ground hard enough to be rendered immobile.
 * A few moments later, it seemed as though a lightbulb went off in her head and immediately opened up her bag. She rummaged through it until she came across a little book with blank paper and a quill pen.- A few moments later, it seemed as though a lightbulb went off in her head and she immediately opened up her bag. She rummaged through it until she came across a little book with blank paper and a quill pen.
 * "Mom", Said the girl, "I'm not sure that moving to Japan is a good idea. I mean, it's one thing to move to a new town or even a different state. But another country?!"- "Mom", said the girl, "I'm not sure that moving to Japan is a good idea. I mean, it's one thing to move to a new town or even a different state. But another country?!"
 * "Kristy please!"- "Kristy, please!"
 * "Kristy! In a bit, I'll show you your new room, OK?" Said Kristy's mom. "Alright mom. Let's just hope it's big." Kristy replied. The mother laughed and said, "Not every room in Japan is the size of a closet you know!"- "Kristy! In a bit, I'll show you your new room, OK?" said Kristy's mom.

"Alright mom. Let's just hope it's big." Kristy replied.

The mother laughed and said, "Not every room in Japan is the size of a closet you know!"
 * "Mom!" Kristy shouted, "We've been robbed!". "I'm sorry honey. I thought the moving guys got all your furniture set up. Besides, I don't think burglars would want to go through the hassle of moving a bed."- "Mom!" Kristy shouted. "We've been robbed!".

"I'm sorry, honey. I thought the moving guys got all your furniture set up. Besides, I don't think burglars would want to go through the hassle of moving a bed." Chapter 7 Chapter 8
 * "Well until me or your father have time go bed shopping, it seems like that's the case."- "Well, until me or your father have time go bed shopping, it seems like that's the case."
 * The gate had burst wide open as Kristy fiercely heaved it forward and hit the surrounding stone wall so hard, that one of the hinges had almost broke.- The gate had burst wide open as Kristy fiercely heaved it forward and hit the surrounding stone wall so hard that one of the hinges had almost broke.
 * Once I was within inches of the shattered glass, I got up off of the floor and saw something that made me jump back and whisper "What the hell?" There, on the floor near the window was a dark bronze and ivory feathered bird with yellow eyes and a lengthy wingspan lying down.- Once I was within inches of the shattered glass, I got up off of the floor and saw something that made me jump back and whisper, "What the hell?" There, on the floor near the window, was a dark bronze and ivory feathered bird with yellow eyes and a lengthy wingspan lying down.
 * As she was running, a voice called out saying "No! Wait come back!" and "I'm sorry!".- As she was running, a voice called out saying "No! Wait, come back!" and "I'm sorry!"
 * "Mind telling me what that was all about?" Kristy asked as she was panting heavily. The boy started to laugh and said "I'm sorry! I was trying to scare my friend and you looked a bit like her."- "Mind telling me what that was all about?" Kristy asked as she was panting heavily.

The boy started to laugh and said "I'm sorry! I was trying to scare my friend and you looked a bit like her." *This time however, it seemed to be more detailed.- This time, however, it seemed to be more detailed. Chapter 9 Chapter 10
 * Hotaka began to tell Kristy about it and as soon as he said the words "Well, you see", it immediately cut to the outside of his house with an orange sky in the background.- Hotaka began to tell Kristy about it and as soon as he said the words, "Well, you see", it immediately cut to the outside of his house with an orange sky in the background.
 * The episode shifted back to Kristy and Hotaka. Only this time, Kristy had a bit of a surprised look on her face. "Speaking of girls" Hotaka began, "Me and my friends were thinking of playing a game of Kokuri San in the forest near our school sometime this week. Would you like to join us?".- The episode shifted back to Kristy and Hotaka. Only this time, Kristy had a bit of a surprised look on her face. "Speaking of girls," Hotaka began, "me and my friends were thinking of playing a game of Kokuri San in the forest near our school sometime this week. Would you like to join us?"
 * "Hi dad." Kristy replied with a sheepish chuckle.- "Hi, dad." Kristy replied with a sheepish chuckle.
 * Kristy's muscles started to stiffen as her eyes widened and her mouth turned into a frown that showed the upper half of her teeth. "Uh dad... You feeling OK?" Kristy asked in a shaky voice.- Kristy's muscles started to stiffen as her eyes widened and her mouth turned into a frown that showed the upper half of her teeth. "Uh, dad... You feeling OK?" Kristy asked in a shaky voice.
 * When I was a kid, my mom would tell me to close my blinds at night so that way, people would be less inclined to look into my window or break in or something like that.- When I was a kid, my mom would tell me to close my blinds at night so that way people would be less inclined to look into my window or break in or something like that.
 * Before the woman could finish, I angrily screamed "Oh come on!" And threw the phone against the living room wall so hard, that the cheaply made phone had snapped in two.- Before the woman could finish, I angrily screamed "Oh come on!" and threw the phone against the living room wall so hard, that the cheaply made phone had snapped in two.

As for the story, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. It's interesting to see the changes you've made. Just like before, you have great use of foreshadowing. Also, you did a good job of capturing the fear you can feel when you're watching a scary show and things seem to be happening all around you. I'm looking forward to the finished version. :-D Raidra (talk) 00:41, January 26, 2016 (UTC)

Blazing hot wings
That makes sense.


 * "Finally, a clearing! Hopefully there's a safe place up there where we can spend the night." said Emily as she yawned immediately afterward.- "Finally, a clearing! Hopefully there's a safe place up there where we can spend the night," said Emily as she yawned immediately afterward.
 * "Oh yeah" the boy said, "sorry about the lights but I had no choice but to use them to keep those awful HootHoot away!"- "Oh yeah," the boy said, "sorry about the lights but I had no choice but to use them to keep those awful HootHoot away!"
 * "Wow! You mean I get to eat as much spicy food as I want without consequence?! Sign me up!!" Exclaimed Emily as she rapidly jumped up and down.- "Wow! You mean I get to eat as much spicy food as I want without consequence?! Sign me up!!" exclaimed Emily as she rapidly jumped up and down.
 * Unfortunately, rather than help reduce the pain of Emily's headache, the massage had instead made a small, skull shaped mask that took up most of her T-zone area had burst out of her forehead.- Unfortunately, rather than help reduce the pain of Emily's headache, the massage had instead made a small, skull shaped mask that took up most of her T-zone area and burst out of her forehead.
 * As this point, Emily's vision became blurry and the only way she was able to breath was by slowly heaving in and out. "Please...no more... Please! Arceus... Why would you... Let this this happen?"- As this point, Emily's vision became blurry and the only way she was able to breath was by slowly heaving in and out. "Please...no more... Please! Arceus... Why would you... Let this happen?"
 * She continued to shoot fire from her mouth to keep the crowd off her rail but she soon learned that the fires she had started turned into a giant inferno that was becoming harder to outrun than the crowd.- She continued to shoot fire from her mouth to keep the crowd off her tail but she soon learned that the fires she had started turned into a giant inferno that was becoming harder to outrun than the crowd.

This was good. You did a good job of capturing a child's nightmare. In addition to the irony, I also liked the idea of a Charizard-themed hot wing contest and the prize. It really does sound like something you'd see in the anime. I smirked at the line about eating hot wings without consequences because I thought, "No, if you eat all those hot wings, there'll be consequences!" Once again, this was well done and effective. Raidra (talk) 00:19, January 27, 2016 (UTC)

Misteaks eye can knot sea
Let's see... fettuccine Alfredo, ravioli, mozzarella sticks, French bread pizza, garlic breadsticks, lemon Italian ice... Oh, sorry! I was just thinking of some italicized foods! ;-)

In any case, yeah, I totally get that. When I'm in the zone, it's getting it down on paper or typed into a word processor first, everything else second! Also, yeah, auto-correct can be annoying. We got a tablet recently, and it's irritating. I wanted to search for "Wintris", not "Winter Is"! Raidra (talk) 19:18, January 27, 2016 (UTC)

Imma not always great at this myself
"Keep using that format." ~gives "I got your back" finger point~

Thank you. I'll have to check that out sometime. Just take breaks so you don't have health problems. Earlier this month I got a terrible headache because I spent hours looking over a website called Engrish.com.

Oh, you don't need to apologize. You've always allowed me to review the drafts at my leisure, which I appreciate. I've enjoyed our exchanges, you have interesting stories, and I'm happy to help. :-)

Sign here, please
Huh, that's strange! I can't imagine what- ~sees aunt's Yorkshire terrier chewing punctuation marks~ Brady! What did I tell you about that! (Brady the Yorkie cocks head and stares) Well, I must have a certain style for you to know it was me. That's good!

That sounds like an interesting story idea, and I can already think of a couple different ways it could be done. Personally I don't like the polishing grit (whatever it's called), the X-rays, or the fluoride. :-/ As for the fear of heights, I get that too. There have been times I've been on the second level of the Dayton Mall (in Ohio) looking down, and I felt dread and became worried that my hat would fall off. Here's a book you should check out- The Pop-Up Book of Phobias by Gary Greenberg and Balvis Rubess (http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/pop-up-book-of-phobias-gary-greenberg/1003473571?ean=9780688171957). Fear of the dentist and fear of heights are two of the fears covered. If you look at the dental hygienist for the dentist one, you can see she has barbed wire for floss. Yikes! One of my favorites is the one for necrophobia, fear of one's own death. They have it like you're looking up from the bottom of a grave. People on top are doing the "Ashes to ashes..." and it's like, "W-Wait! I'm not dead!"

Here's a poem I borrowed a line from recently. http://www.cmiiw.com/spelling.htm Raidra (talk) 00:24, January 30, 2016 (UTC) P.S.- I thought the Hungry Hungry Hippos line was funny. :-D Raidra (talk) 00:26, January 30, 2016 (UTC)

Icky pastes! AAHHH!
No, I don't plan to do any dental pastas (not to be confused with al dente pasta). I think it's good so far. Raidra (talk) 01:29, January 31, 2016 (UTC)

Hangin' tough
That is creepy! Have you thought about turning that into a micropasta? Sweet dreams! Raidra (talk) 00:39, February 1, 2016 (UTC)
 * I thought that uploading a micropasta was the same as uploading a regular pasta. I didn't think you had to have a video or anything. Raidra (talk) 00:36, February 2, 2016 (UTC)

Out of it reply
I think either one is fine.

I'll have to reply to the rest later because I have a case of not feeling so great. Sorry. :-( I'll help when I can. Raidra (talk) 00:06, February 3, 2016 (UTC)

Thanks for the well-wishes!
I am feeling better, thanks. :-) Oh, I know it can be painful to fall on the skating rink!  I haven't been in years, but I avoid the center (where the lights are) and leave the rink if they spin the lights too much because the spinning lights seem to disorient me.

I looked over the last paragraph again, and I think that after breaking the phone, the character would initially be angry, but then start to become fearful because the tool for calling for help is now broken (It may not have worked before, but it's definitely not working now). The character will eventually calm down by telling herself that she's just being silly (like how many of us would respond to hearing a strange noise outside by saying, "That was just the wind.") and end up going back to the TV, thinking watching the show will help take her mind off the shadow. At least, that's my take on it. I hope this helps! Raidra (talk) 00:36, February 4, 2016 (UTC)


 * By the way, this is embarrassing, but I realized last night that I have a micropasta on this site. Ay. Here it is- "Just Tell Yourself". I posted it right to the site with no problems, but if you want to use WW, I'd say that would be fine. Raidra (talk) 00:39, February 4, 2016 (UTC)

EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:35, February 4, 2016 (UTC)

Re: Yeah
The big issue is that a story like that would be better fleshed out to more than a sentence or two. Especially since it raises more questions than answers. Why is the protagonist cleaning up a dead guy's house? Why hasn't the body been removed? Etc. Usually flash fiction works when the story is self-contained and told in a manner that effectively conveys the story without needing a lot of explanation. As it's currently told, it feels more like there's a joke/punchline feel to it. "I was cleaning this dead guy's house. His corpse was hanging out (pun) in the basement." EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:54, February 4, 2016 (UTC)


 * Here's a more in-depth guide on it. Callie wrote the first guide and my section is in the latter half. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:43, February 4, 2016 (UTC)

Well, now we know
One time I submitted a humor pasta that got deleted 5-10 minutes after I posted it. It happens. If you submit an expanded version to WW, let me know. As for Chapter 11, I think it's a good start too, and I think that either having her say something or having her stay silent as thoughts rush through her head would be effective. Raidra (talk) 01:23, February 5, 2016 (UTC)

Maiden China
The "Made in China" joke is pretty good, but I agree that changes the mood of the scene. By the way, have you heard the urban legend about the woman who got revenge on her lover after he kicked her out of their house? They had an argument before he left on a trip, and rather than try to work things out he told her that she and all her stuff had better be gone when he got back. She told him he'd be sorry if he insisted on treating her that way, but he left anyway. He came back after his two-week trip to find her and her stuff gone. All his stuff was still there (though some versions have the place wrecked and others say there was no noticeable damage). He noticed the phone was off the hook. He hung it up and thought nothing of it- until he got a phone bill for the time and weather in Tokyo for two weeks straight. That legend has been debunked (The operator would have ended the connection), but it gets passed around as one of those funny/creative revenge stories. Raidra (talk) 04:21, February 6, 2016 (UTC)

Phone time
It would be a landline phone since this legend started before smart phones were invented. I don't know if they still have this, but there used to be a number you could call and they'd tell you the time and weather in your area. "Rain is forecast later today. At the tone the time will be 10:37 PM."

I like it so far. I'm glad to hear the Pokemon one is coming along too. Raidra (talk) 03:46, February 7, 2016 (UTC)

At the tone the time will be 1982
I just checked one of my books, and the earliest recorded version goes back to 1982. The legend gained popularity in the late '80s and early '90s. From time to time you hear true stories of products containing what were supposed to be customer service numbers, but they got part of the number wrong (misspelled the number?) and accidentally put the number for an adult chatline. I saw a segment on MTV's The Big Urban Myth Show in which it told how that happened with a Scooby-Doo book for children. In the "dramatic" re-enactment this boy called the number and then called, "Hey, Mom! There's some weird lady on the phone!" X-D

I have it copied and pasted into a word file to read later. I'm intrigued by the premise because sadly there are some creeps on these auction sites. Raidra (talk) 02:59, February 8, 2016 (UTC)

Busy signal
I had a bad experience on eBay too. There are some unsavory jerks out there. I agree that having a female pedophile is innovative because people don't like to admit there are female sexual predators out there. I haven't read the story yet because I've been busy today. Hopefully I'll have time to study it tomorrow. In the meantime, here's another eBay story. This was from one of my favorite books, The Grilled Cheese Madonna by Christopher Cihlar (http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/grilled-cheese-madonna-and-99-other-of-the-weirdest-wackiest-most-famous-ebay-auctions-ever-christopher-cihlar/1100304577?ean=9780767924955). I'll have to post it sometime, but for now I'll just rehash it. This guy was upset that someone outbid him on an auction for used band and dance uniforms. First he called him names (like that was supposed to make him give up the uniforms he paid for), and then proceeded to go to his house (which was in another state) with a gun to threaten him. Yikes! The man wasn't at home, but his wife was. Luckily, the criminal fled the scene without incident. When the police caught him, he claimed that the gun had just fallen out of his pants. He must've realized that nobody was buying that excuse because he later accepted a plea deal that resulted in a few years of jail time. There are all sorts of stories in that book, from the boy who tried to use his friend's mother's credit card number to buy over a million dollars worth of items to the radio station who auctioned off a pop star's half-eaten French toast to the woman who sold her husband's car for the equivalent of a dollar. Raidra (talk) 01:55, February 9, 2016 (UTC)

Online games pasta
First the cons. The constantly changing from past to present tense, sometimes in mid-paragraph or mid-sentence, was distracting. You'll have to pick one or the other. Also, since we know the protagonist is male, you could say his, him, and he instead of their and they.
 * However, the person starts to notice some glitches such as the menu freezing not responding to the controller inputs and hears the disc in the system stop whirring.- However, the person starts to notice some glitches such as the menu freezing, not responding to the controller inputs, and hears the disc in the system stop whirring.
 * After the disc is is fixed, the person goes back home and puts it in the system. At first, the disc seemed to be working as shown by the title screen not freezing over and allowing the person to begin the game.- After the disc is fixed, the person goes back home and puts it in the system. At first, the disc seemed to be working, as shown by the title screen not freezing over and allowing the person to begin the game.-
 * The next day, as the person is going about their business, they get another email from the seller that says, "Dear Customer, we at Raikou'sRoom have a zero tolerance policy against false reports of fraud and harassment. These types of reports reduce our employee's ability to take them seriously and thus are less likely to help in a real fraud and/or harassment type situation. It's sad to see little boys like you being ruined by America's "I'm Offended!" movement we've been hearing about. Our deepest condolences from Raikou'sRoom go out to you."- The next day, as the person is going about their business, they get another email from the seller that says, "Dear Customer, we at Raikou'sRoom have a zero tolerance policy against false reports of fraud and harassment. These types of reports reduce our employees’ ability to take them seriously and thus are less likely to help in a real fraud and/or harassment type situation. It's sad to see little boys like you being ruined by America's ‘I'm Offended!’ movement we've been hearing about. Our deepest condolences from Raikou'sRoom go out to you."
 * Not long after, their phone started to ring again but decided to let the phone go to voicemail.- Not long after, their phone started to ring again but he decided to let the phone go to voicemail.
 * "Oh Little boy!"- "Oh, Little Boy!"

Now for the pros. This was a disturbing tale reminiscent of the classic horror tale/urban legend "The Baby-Sitter and the Man Upstairs" (the basis of both versions of the movie When A Stranger Calls). The seller started out a total jerk who refused to give a refund, then tried to suck up to the buyer like they were friends, and then became truly sinister. I thought of our conversations about monsters from Japanese folklore. The monster in this story was more horrifying, and sadly people like that exist in real life. The line, "It's sad to see little boys like you being ruined by America's 'I'm Offended!' movement we've been hearing about," reminded me of how much victim-blaming occurs. There's also an element of delusion with the character. I mean, how did she think the buyer would react? Did she honestly think he'd be glad to see her? I love the understatement at the end. On a side note, I also liked the mention of the library fixing discs. Libraries have lots of services that many people aren't aware of. Raidra (talk) 02:42, February 10, 2016 (UTC)

A bit drafty in here
That makes sense. That's why drafts and revisions are there, to refine an idea until it's a complete story. Huh. I didn't know that about Iceland. You learn something new every day! I guess it's like Hawaii. It's beautiful, but things are expensive.

Ah! That explains the camel back TV in your Haunting Hour pasta! I have an unusual fear related to mirrors. I may try to make a pasta out of that one day. As for whether or not anyone else is afraid of intruders, take a look at the exchange Vroom and I had in the comments section for my story "Periodic Nyctophobia". Of course, if you wanted to read the actual pasta too, I wouldn't stop you. ;-) Raidra (talk) 00:22, February 11, 2016 (UTC)

Mirror image
I heard a story one time that a man entered his house and encountered a mysterious figure. He fled the scene and called the police about the intruder. When the police asked if he had gotten a good look at him, he replied, "No, but I could tell he was one ugly S.O.B.!" One or two officers went in to search the house, then came out laughing. It turned out that the man had forgotten that his wife had bought a full-length mirror and left it in the hallway, or living room, or wherever. One of the officers told him, "You're right about one thing, though- he was an ugly S.O.B.!" Ouch!

Sometimes it takes me a while to finish stories too. I feel I'd have to see the expanded endings before I can make a proper judgment. Whichever one it is, I trust you'll do it in a way that's not cliched. Raidra (talk) 00:50, February 12, 2016 (UTC)

Hard decision
It's a difficult decision because both endings are so good. Either one would be fine by me. Good job! :-D Raidra (talk) 00:52, February 13, 2016 (UTC)
 * I can see it that way. Wow, "Sick" sounds like a really creepy and effective episode!  That's how horror television should be done!  Psychological horror is one of only two genres of horror I truly like and respect.  The other, ironically, is body horror- although, if you think about it, it's like they're two sides of the same coin.
 * Cavities are no fun. :-( At least there weren't any other problems. Raidra (talk) 00:36, February 14, 2016 (UTC)

re: Endings
Hey! It has been a long time! We were both busy focusing on our own works, I guess XD I like the first ending better because it ending as a dream is something that is overdone in fiction and I have never seen it well-received. The first ending is also more mysterious and open-ended as it can lead us to wonder if the protagonist is crazy and/or who put the DVD there. Buckle up!  I'm going to be popular  19:56, February 13, 2016 (UTC)


 * It's somewhat common: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AllJustADream I had read chapter 10 before, but it has been so long, so the refresher was good. I like where it's going. Keep it up :D   Buckle up!   I'm going to be popular  06:38, February 14, 2016 (UTC)

New pasta smell
It looks good to me. You did a good job conveying the character's anxiety.

That's good. I should probably cut back on soda too, though I like to think I'm not so bad. "Extremely scarce on YouTube"? Cripes, it's a real-life lost episode story! ;-) Raidra (talk) 00:37, February 15, 2016 (UTC)

Let me sleep on it
I'll have to talk more later, but here are some initial thoughts. I do like the idea of the local friend coming over. I can imagine he and/or the police officers having one of those horror movie locals reactions. You know the kind I mean- the newcomers don't understand what's going on, but the locals take one look and realize exactly what is/what might be going on. Do you think it's more likely for the parents to laugh off the tanuki idea (like they think the officers are just having a little joke with the newcomers), or be worried because they feel there's something serious going on? Raidra (talk) 01:39, February 16, 2016 (UTC)

Doctor doctor
That sounds good. I thought earlier that you shouldn't use the cliche of the adults not thinking there's anything wrong, so it sounds like we're thinking along the same lines. I can see the parents being concerned instead of rudely dismissive, viewing Kristy's fears as misplaced, but real.

Yep, plague doctors are creepy! I was looking at an article about them recently (though I don't remember why). Not only do they have a distinctive and unsettling look (and you never know who someone really is under that get-up), but they're basically symbols of sickness and death. I've found out the plague doctor mask has been used as a memento mori, similar to skulls and burnt-out candles (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memento_mori). Raidra (talk) 01:14, February 17, 2016 (UTC)

Misplaced real fears
Sounds interesting! In any case, I know what it's like to be tired or distracted, so I'll understand if you take some time to respond to a post.

What I meant was they understand she's afraid, but they don't think the tanuki, samurai ghost, or whatnot is real. They just think she's worried about a rabid dog on the loose combined with the move and everything, and she's just saying she's afraid of the monster, spirit, or whatever it is you're planning to have as a cover/excuse/symbol. They don't acknowledge what's really going on, but they're sympathetic and try to be comforting instead of malicious and dismissive. It's like a scene close to the end of Piano Lessons Can Be Murder, number 13 in the original Goosebumps series (which, oddly enough, also had a family moving to a new town). Just before the final piano lesson, the narrator encountered a ghost playing the piano and then revealing that she had no hands. He screamed in terror and passed out, awaking to find his parents looking on in concern. They saw he was terrified (I think they thought he was just kidding around earlier in the book) and were sympathetic, but they didn't believe he really saw a ghost- they thought he was so anxious about the move and worried about the piano lessons that he was having nightmares. They told him he could quit after one more lesson, leading to the book's climax. Raidra (talk) 02:04, February 18, 2016 (UTC)

Ironic slumbers
Ironically I fell asleep watching a video last night. It wasn't the kind you were talking about, either- it was a press conference with one of my favorite athletes. It was late, the video was nearly an hour long, and I was tired. I was watching the video and suddenly I realized it was several minutes later, so either I slightly leaped forward in time or I briefly nodded off.

The separate parts look good, and I think the first one would fit with the preceding part (the one with the narrator turning the video back on) seamlessly. The "The episode had shifted to a scene" part and the "Kristy and her parents were being interviewed" part fit together well, but I think there needs to be something connecting the "Kristy and her parents were being interviewed" part and the "Kristy and her parents were being interviewed" part. Raidra (talk) 02:26, February 19, 2016 (UTC)
 * I just realized that I posted my message incorrectly. I meant to say "the 'Kristy and her parents were being interviewed' part and the 'Kristy and her parents were sitting in the living room' part".  Sorry about that.  I like the new part, though.  I'd have it after the "Kristy and her parents were sitting in the living room" part.
 * Wow, those are two different dreams! How freaky would it be if you dreamed you were a snail who fell asleep while watching TV and dreamed about watching TV?  Aahhh!  I don't know what's real anymore! ~watches top spinning~ Raidra (talk) 00:50, February 20, 2016 (UTC)

Once upon a dream
Wait a second! Were you watching the Top 20 Unintentionally Disturbing Kids' Characters' from Around the World video from blameitonjorge? If so, then that's weird because I saw that video just last night! Well, it was technically this morning since it was after midnight, but you get the idea. I came across it and thought it looked interesting. The one that creeped me out was Morso. There was just something about it.

It looks good. I like how they speculate that it's a rabid fox. I know that Japanese folklore has kitsune, which are shapeshifting foxes, and tanuki, which are shapeshifting raccoon dogs (which are also a kind of fox). The speculation about a rabid fox makes sense and ties into traditional Japanese folklore. As for the review, I'll have to read it later (unless I turn into a snail). Raidra (talk) 00:59, February 21, 2016 (UTC)

Hip Hip Jorge!
I remember several years ago I was up late one night. I was flipping through the channels and came across the music video for "Where's Your Head At" by Basement Jaxx on Vh1. It had monkeys with human faces & humans with monkey faces, and the whole thing was in the viewer's face. It was unsettling, especially when you had insomnia anyway. A couple days later I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine who lived in a different state. He said he had been up the other night and seen a creepy music video, and I asked, "The one with the monkeys?" Surprised, he paused and asked, "How did you know!?" I replied, "I was up late the other night too!" It's always freaky but cool when it turns out you shared an experience like that with a friend, but yeah, I like what I've seen of Jorge's videos so far. I've seen four of five of his videos, and they're both interesting and professional. He's not pretentious like some people on YouTube are.

How about instead of slamming the door in Hotaka's face, you have him ask/demand how he knows Kristy (since he called her by name when he asked about her)? Raidra (talk) 00:43, February 22, 2016 (UTC)

Three Wise Monkeys
Yes, I like this version much better. I think you're on a roll. :-D Raidra (talk) 01:52, February 23, 2016 (UTC)

Wise monkeying around
I know the three you're talking about, and I agree that they do have bad haircuts (Pansage probably makes people hungry for broccoli). However, I was referring to the three monkeys representing Speak No Evil, See No Evil, and Hear No Evil (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_wise_monkeys). I wonder if those three Pokemon are loosely based on them, like someone said, "Hey, how about three monkeys?" and they just took it from there. I have human characters based on them (Speak No Evil, See No Evil, and Hear No Evil, not Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour), which I'll have to talk about later.

It sounds good, and I plan to read your "Sick" review tomorrow. Raidra (talk) 03:59, February 24, 2016 (UTC)

When it panrains it Panpours
That’s all right. I’ve been spending less time on the computer to try and prevent headaches, so most days I only visit Creepypasta once a day. Also, I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to watch or do something and ended up falling asleep. I checked Bulbapedia and cripes, the elemental monkey evolutions are worse than I remembered. I do think Simipour is funny, though, because it reminds me of television segments with comedians wearing outlandish wigs (such as the “Questions with Wigs” segment on Whose Line Is It Anyway?). Personally I think they should have been named “Pansoak” and “Simisoak” instead of “Panpour” and “Simipour”. Chimchar and its evolutions are pretty good, but yeah, Mankey is definitely the best of the monkey Pokemon. That was back when Pokemon inspired comments like “Hey, look at the crane!” or “Oh, that’s a stag beetle!” or “Hey, that one looks like a balloon!” and not “Oh, golly. What the blazes is this?”

I finally read your “Sick” review. I thought the introduction was interesting, and I enjoyed the rest of the review as well. I’m a fan of psychological horror too, and this sounds like a creepy and trippy episode. Based on your description the ending was up for debate, but not in a frustrating way. This may seem strange, but it made me think of the intense and disturbing J-horror film Audition. Why? Because fans debate the ending to that one too. I agree that sometimes slow starts which gradually build up tension to terrifying levels are the best. You can’t just leap straight into horror. I’m glad that there are still writers who understand pacing and don’t just churn out clichéd rip-offs. Did Stine write these shows? If so, then he’s still got it! Thanks for the link. 00:58, February 25, 2016 (UTC)

Wait, where's my signature? ~looks under rock~ Raidra (talk) 00:59, February 25, 2016 (UTC)

Blue light blues
Huh. Thanks for the info! I'll have to look into that, though I think it would be best to keep my computer/tablet time limited too, and to use my glasses when looking at screens. My vision's not bad, just a little near-sighted and lop-sided. Thanks for the well-wishes. :-)

I'm a little disappointed that R.L. Stine isn't more involved, but it sounds like it's still good work. My favorite Pokemon is Raichu. I'll have to think of others. I've read that a hot bath, shower, or foot soak can help people get to sleep. I think it's related to blood flow somehow. A shower sounds good right now, actually. The cold front moving though today is causing me to feel my head & sinuses, which is why I'll have to talk more later. :-( I should feel better tomorrow. Hopefully I won't get sick and have fever dreams.  Oh, hello, Lady Snail!  What a pretty shell you have! Raidra (talk) 00:42, February 26, 2016 (UTC)