Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31752158-20170419025721/@comment-24101790-20170419032438

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here. This review won't cover them all as there are quite a lot of mechanical issues here (such like your previous story).

Wording issues: "The first time I saw "her" was in (on) a May night", "I don't know why I woke up, but I didn't feel sleepy anymore at all, so I turned around in an attempt to get sleep back, and saw "her" behind the bedroom door." (this sentence feels like it should be broken in two separate sentences to reduce awkward wording) much like this one: "I stood up in the living room, and when I turned around, I saw her outside, in the lawn, in front of the window, with her mouth open, that swarm of black bees inside, saying "I am the Larva" again."), "My hands were sweating and slipped through (off) the knob.", "I heard my heart freeze in fear.", etc.

Redundancies: "This time I managed to pay some attention to what she looked like - she had dark hair and eyes, looked very skinny, dressed in a dirty white gown, and had the same blue glow coming out of her that looked like a mist.", "This ball expanded and took form, and the first thing to take form was her face.", " I observed her better and could see more details, like some ripped parts in her gown, some smudges, some marks on her face, stuff like that.", etc. Avoid repeating the same words multiple times in the same sentence or in rapid succession as it comes off as repetitive.

Awkward wording: "Shortly after that, my parents entered the room, with my father ahead, and when he opened the door, he obscured the vision of the girl.", "Any noise in the house made me feel the fear taking me over.", "Some lighting struck and illuminated the corridor one time or another.", etc. I know English isn't your first language, but these errors really break the flow of the story. I suggest finding a friend who is more fluent in the language to help you over these stumbling points.

Capitalization: You forget to capitalize dialogue properly a number of times. "I could just point at the door and say "the Larva, the Larva."", "I just repeated "leave (Leave) me alone, leave me alone, please leave me alone"", etc.

Punctuation issues: You tend to forget to punctuate dialogue tags properly as well as dialogue. "...hoarse and thick, saying(comma missing) "I am the Larva."", "Then I heard that hoarse and thick voice again, saying(comma missing) "I am the Larva."", "that damn phrase, "I am the Larva(comma missing)" and the door opened.", etc.

Story issues: As these were where a majority of the issues were, I'm only going to focus on a few that likely resulted in Mr. Dupin determining the story was below quality standards. The lack of description at the start really doesn't help the story much as this is the time where you want to get the audience invested. Using lines like: "A faint blue light emanated from her, like a mist. I couldn't catch a lot of details from her since I was very scared." to avoid it really doesn't make for an effective story opening.

Story issues cont.: It feels like you keep looking for reasons not to have the protagonist tell their parents, but it doesn't really make much sense. Why exactly would a child not tell their parents what they saw (especially if they were as scared as you said)? "In the following morning, my mother asked why I was sleeping there, and I said I got up in the night to look at the rain and fell asleep there." and "I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to talk about the glowing blue girl who showed up in my room." really don't make sense contextually in the story and seem kind of pointless when they tell them later anyways.

Story issues cont.: The largest issue however is the fact that there isn't much driving this story. The protagonist sees the being a number of times, but there really isn't any focus here. You don't have to outright state the being's intentions, but not doing anything with the character really strips a lot of the tension out of the plot. Ending with this: "To this day I don't know what she wants, or what she means with "I am the Larva."" really doesn't do much for the story and feels like a non-ending.

There are other plot issues here with the climax, description, and characterization, but I feel like this is enough to give you an idea of the issues that are present in the story. I would suggest completely re-writing this if you intend to make a deletion appeal. (Note that reuploading it, even after making changes, will still result in the story's deletion without admin approval.)