Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26543178-20150628015542/@comment-24101790-20150628192720

A few small things (you can Control+F the phrases to zero in on them.):

"I probably broke it" should be in past tense like the rest of the story. (I had probably broken it)

"I had no other option but to crawl away into the hallway that lead (led) to the kitchen. "

"sockets, Its (its) jaw was seemingly broken"

", and gave me surgery on my broken ankle." (Performed surgery. "gave me surgery" is a bit of awkward phrasing) A trick I've picked up is to try reading the lines aloud to myself to see what phrasing sounds problematic or what lines may be melodramatic.

"let out a terrifying scream in pain." is also a bit of clunky phrasing.

The ending: "After the incident, I moved out of Rialto and into an apartment, and hoped to never come across such a horrifying thing again." could use a little more oomph. Remember, the ending is going to stick with the audience after everything is said and done. A strong ending can really hook people. Maybe add a bit more of how the creature has impacted the protagonist or how they are struggling after this traumatic event.