Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170130041347/@comment-31111342-20170130042756

This feels a bit unfinished, and if it's not, you really have to add more details. Why start with the friends in the room talking about random stuff before they go play H-O-R-S-E? Why not just start with them playing in the yard? Have dialog, make things interesting, don't just tell us what's happening. Same with the other scenes. Have dialog, have characters be characters and not just names, let us know why the girl was so sweet and what compelled a group of kids, who I imagine as teens, to have let a random little girl inside the house for cookies. Maybe she's some being that just makes people like her when they meet her, which would be somewhat interesting. Or maybe they want to help her find her parents and invited her inside so she'd warm up to them, or something like that. And ending on the black eyes part is just, kinda...random. It's creepy, but it's just... there.

I think this story can work if you just make it longer, add more details, characterization, and reasons to care.