Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44987001-20200205043454/@comment-9041013-20200205213930

Well this thing is in need of a lot of work.

First, the format is bad; you can't tell who's talking when. Whenever a new character speaks, you start a new paragraph. Don't forget semicolons, commas and quotes.

Consistency is also lacking; you've to keep the facts consistent within your story. Your MC walked into the show alone, or he had friends with him? make a disicion and stick with it.

Regular humans breaking physics is a no no in regular real life world like stories. It's not "useless info" if you do mention people walking up to the stage to be part of a magic trick rather than randomly appearing ready for one. It's part of your story's logical progression of events.

Give this thing more meat, definitely expand on what's happening during the show. Explain what everyone does; how they walk into the tend, then how each goes on stage, what they think and how they react to and about things that happen all around them. Drag it on a little before you reach the climax in which the "magician" kills everyone. This goes on way too fast and it's not worth or possible to invest it.

Is the ending some kind of spin on the ending of It part 2? surely feels like it. With the MC's lack of fear and "exposure" of the tricks making the magician "die off". Just make him a regular magician who uses another trick to disappear once he's had enough of his shananingans or make him a being that disappears leaving the MC in a state of fear and anger whence it had enough abusing everyone.

Do make sure to include a detailed emotional descriptions from the perspective of the MC as it's your narrator. MC sees their friends being murdered under the guise of a magic show, tells us how MC feels, that should be juicy.