Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31073921-20170129155943/@comment-24101790-20170129161752

I have to ask, are you writing these all in one sitting? Errors you typically avoided in other stories are present in this one. You forget to space out dialogue properly. Two speakers talking in the same paragraph, tends to muddle who is saying what and what their general inflection is. Additionally having multiple speakers in the same paragraph tends to hinder story flow. ("I came to a locker, and saw Jesse. “Yes?” She said. “Uhhh, what’s going on here?” She looked shocked and gasped. “Of course I will! Where are we going?”") Additionally you improperly capitalize words after dialogue and forget to use commas and colons a number of times throughout the story.

I know the intent was to make the story jump all over the place and feel disjointed, but because you aren't really spending the appropriate time to try and sufficiently build each scene it just feels un-involving. Additionally it feels like you tried to shoe-horn spookiness in at the very end without really building any sense of unease or uncertainty. It just feels like we're moving from scene to scene without anything really tying them together other than them being memories.

Finally the cyclical twist needs quite a lot of work. Why exactly are they doing this to the protagonist? What's their end goal? There's no real indication or bread crumbs to follow here. I suggest re-reading The Strangest Security Tape I've Ever Seen as it does the cyclical ending while sufficiently building the implication that something sinister is happening.

I'm sorry, but this feels rushed. It seems like it was written all at once and not a lot of time was devoted to proof-reading it, fleshing out the scenes, or building the premise up other than 'guy's life flashes before his eyes, something is amiss'. This really isn't up to quality standards and is going to require quite a bit of revision and re-writting if you hope to try and submit it.