Talk:Pandora's Box: Sine/@comment-26054278-20150719185124

(For 2015 June/July Demon/Devil Contest)

I’m not exactly a big fan of ritual pastas, but when they are done well, I admit that they can be truly amazing. This one, while good, didn’t really get beyond that.

The concept of the pasta is pretty original, as far as I know. The story seems to refer to Pandora’s Box different than the way I was originally familiar with it, and that added to the originality of the concept. The idea of The Game in question was definitely something I had never heard before. Also, most of the items chosen for the ritual were items that did make sense in the context of what demons apparently are in religion and other texts. I do think that some items should have been removed, but more on that later.

The writing here is truly magnificent. The style fits this perfectly, and the creativity and details displayed here is abundant. I only remember one possible typo (“Still, that does not mean that they are not there; believing me,” in which “believing” should probably be “believe”), and even then, it could just be awkward phrasing.

The rest of the introduction, however, did build investment and curiosity for what the ritual was about and what would happen in it. While most rituals are also not very creepy, this one did have a terrible but creepy last line. Yes, the last line did cause a plot problem with the rest of the story that I will delve into later, but I can’t deny that it is a very well-written line. The majority of the rest of the ritual did have some disturbing themes and the repetition of losing the game was used particularly nicely.

I can’t judge this story on character development, so I’ll start to address my problems with the plot.

First off is that at a couple points in the story, there is a lack of explanation for certain things. Sometimes this can actually work great, but one line in particular is pretty frustrating:

''I’m not entirely sure why this works, but for some reason it just does. Accept it, and move on because now The Game begins.''

That is like saying in a story about a contest, “Daniel then won the contest. It was difficult for him to win, but he did. Just accept it.”

There are certain things you don’t have to explain, and the author does it very well when describing how he/she does not know what Sine looks like (although that brings up another plot hole at the end), but I’m sorry, there is no way this line can come off as anything else but lazy.

Perhaps if they tried to explain that Sine might be the one increasing their eyesight in order to be able to have fun and toy with the person playing the game, it would come off like an actual explanation even when it isn’t definite. There is an earlier instance where the author doesn’t explain what the significance of “23 minutes past 12:00” is, but since that sentence wasn’t telling the reader to just “accept it”, it came across better.

There is another annoyance in the actual plot that removes a lot more plausibility. The last line.

Looking at a ritual such as “The Holders” series, I can see that there are possible ways to survive, so it makes sense how the narrator is able to talk about them. However, if nobody has ever won The Game with Sine, it doesn’t make much sense how the narrator would know so many details about it. The idea that maybe a friend did The Game and texted them the details doesn’t make sense either, mainly because:

A- There are so many details in this pasta, it would be impossible for this friend to have been able to text all of that and be able to actually play the game. B- There is a specific point about how phones can become reflective surfaces, therefore making the person playing instantly lose the game.

In conclusion, the last line makes the rest of the pasta less plausible and less credible, which, however creepy the ending may be, does take away from the rest of the pasta as a whole.

However, the main gripe I had was that this story had a few rather boring moments. Yes, it was cool to see all the items that were to be used and all the rules, but seeing them all in a list felt pretty monotonous.

Sections of the explanation on how all of these items fit together and summon Sine could also have used some trimming as well. Either that or a couple of the items needed for the ritual should have been scrapped.

With all of that aside, this is still a good story. The great elements about it overpower the bad things in the end. There is room for improvement here, but I still enjoyed the ride I had with it. 75/100.