User blog comment:Eureka2000/My First Pasta/@comment-10950063-20140821211324

All right, let's see.

First, the story is told very passively, very detatched. You don't write stories like you tell them to your friends, you have to make them flow and draw people it. This feels very rushed. In six paragraphs we race through six nights. That doesn't do anything to build tension or develop a sense of urgency with the situation. It destroys the creepiness. You need to keep it tight.

Then there's pointless instances, like the second trip to the police. Why does that happen? It doesn't amount to anything.

Also, the situation makes no sense. Even though the messages are deleted, the police can still look at the records and determine if something was sent and by who. There's even technology that would allow them to recover deleted messages. Even without that, if someone claims they're being harassed they can look into it.

The ending is very unsatisfying. Again, you write so passively and it reads so much like a summary that I find it impossible to engage with anything that's going on. I'm not creeped out, I don't feel the character's fear, it doesn't work. It all goes by so fast, too. And what really happens? A monster grabs her, her phone falls and it's gone. What was point? It all builds up to nothing. The question is asked at the end of the story: will it come back? My question is: does it matter if it does? It didn't do anything the first time.

All in all, it's a kind of weak story that isn't told very well. I'm going to delete it, well, someone else already did. I would suggest you put some more time into it, put it up on the writer's workshop, then try Deletion Appeal.