User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Suit

I like Slender Man, I really do. I find him a fascinating character, and he's kind of why I got into Creepypasta. Yeah, you see, when I first found out about the tall fellow, I was scared shitless. It was the first time I've been exposed to something like this, and it creeped me out. So, in order to get over that fear, I looked up more about him. I eventually got over the fear, and forgot about him. Then he popped back into my head again, and after doing some research and such, I found out about Creepypasta. So I kind of hold a bit of a fondness for Slendy.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, to make it clear that I'm a fan of the character and why I am, and also because I'm going to be Riffing a Slender Man story called "Suit." It's actually the first story I've Riffed solely devoted to Slender Man. Some might say that I already did that when I Riffed "Slender Man Before He Was Famous", but I consider El Catrin a different character from Slender Man, and considering that he's in the brig of the Cheese Doodle, I have a good reason (Yeah, you thought I forgot about the story arc, didn't you? It's still technically going on, but I'm just not writing about it. If an enemy of mine stumbles across the blog, they know what I have and some strategies of mine and such. So keeping such a thing going is stupid strategically).

Anyway, let's just become paranoid that we're being stalked by some tall guy in a suit and Riff this bitch.

It has been my experience that in writing things down, they become easier to explain. It’s been my experience that when you write things down, they’re much easier for me to make jokes about. Yet I’m not quite sure how to explain this. Try using hand puppets. Listen, I know that Slender Man is a lie. Try telling that to those twats who tried stabbing their friend. A totally made up 100% lie, but this story I tell you is 100% true. If not, then I'll burn in Hell, or worse. Well, see you in hell!

About five months ago I found out about Slender Man on the internet. It seemed amusing and funny, ''Your first reaction to him was better than mine. With me, my reaction was, “Well, I’m never sleeping again.”'' but I’m a horror guy and it didn’t faze me like many things don’t. ''“It didn’t faze you like many things don’t”? Isn’t that a double negative?'' But that night I woke up to my cat wanting to be let out of the house. He was a stray I rescued when he was a kitten and I never house trained him, so when I opened the door he started to walk out when all of a suddenly he froze as if he was hit with some kind of a freeze ray. What a great analogy. As I walked onto my porch to see if he was hurt I glanced in the direction he was looking at. He was staring at this group of trees along a ditch a few yards away from my house. They were very suspicious trees.

I saw nothing wrong at first but then I noticed that something wasn’t quite right. It might have been that there were more trees than usual or that some limbs had been cut off in certain areas but, I could vaguely make out a humanoid shape among the trees. Slender Man, stop trolling people. And it was then that was I sort of…entranced. Like I didn’t want to move. Slender Man can entrance people who suck at analogies. But then a car passed and I gathered my senses and so apparently did my cat because he scurried off into the lawn did his business and went back in to the house. I looked back again and there was no more shape to the trees. And that was the only event that happened for about two weeks and I had well forgotten about it until I had my first dream. “It was my first wet dream.”

In my dream I was camping with some people I didn’t know and I was having the time of my life. And then when I went to go get some marshmallow sticks from some nearby trees the entire mood changed. “The mood became more romantic.” All of a suddenly ''“All of a suddenly”? Were you unable to decide whether or not to use all of a sudden or suddenly, and decided to us both?'' the people had the same expression that my cat had had that one night. And they were silently murmuring to me not to get any closer. Like… as if they had made the same mistake and forever regretted it. Kind of like how I feel about reading this story. It was then that there was only one tree. At least I think it was a tree since it had the same general shape. And the strange thing is that all the branches had no leaves and they were moving as if the wind was blowing, but somehow slower. Then my alarm rang and I woke up. What happened next has still haunted me to this day. I had scratches all over my chest. That’s living with a cat for you. Like someone had thought my chest was covered with dead leaves and attacked me with a rake. ''Wait, I thought this was about Slender Man. Now the Rake’s here?'' When I looked at them in the mirror I realized they made a kind of…shape at one point near the top. Like a circle that was pointy at the bottom. ''Really? This is Slender Man! If there’s going to be a symbol on your body, it had better be the Operator symbol!'' I blamed my cat for the artwork on my body seeing as how I lived alone at the time. But even then I knew someone else had done it. And somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that this was just the beginning. ''Oh, there’s more of this story? Lovely.''

For the next month or so I had similar dreams, but no new scratches or anything noticeable. Then I went home for Christmas and it was very nice. One night a few days before Christmas I woke up to the sound of my little brother screaming. ''This is why I hate small children. They’re always screaming, and it’s rather annoying.'' As my eyes opened I was filled with concern but also something else, like whatever was happening should be or…like there was no reason to try and stop it. Like I should just close my eyes and go back to sleep. ''“And I did. That’s what the little bastard gets for stealing some of my food.”'' But when he started screaming louder the spell that was on me was broken and I jumped out of my bed and ran down the hall to my brother’s room. Right before I opened the door he stopped. And I heard a voice. No not a voice, a…sound I couldn’t make out any words and but I understood it perfectly. It was a warning of what’s coming next. I hope the word “anus” isn’t in that warning. As if this was a small sample. As I slowly opened my brothers door three things struck me. “A ball, a book, and a Lego car.” My brother’s bed was empty, the window was open, and there was a piece of cloth on the floor in front of me. Like a piece of a black suit. Slender Man seems to have some stripper like tendencies. Right then my mother woke up and approached me. I asked where my brother was and she said that he staying the night at a friend’s. I call slendnanigans.

I started getting concerned and so I posted on several forums and got the usual “you’re overreacting” replies. So I tried to contact the original poster, the man who “made up” Slender Man. But I got no avail as he did not reply to any of my emails. ''Try contacting him via deviantart. I believe I did, and he responded. This isn’t a joke.'' So I hit a dead end. One night some time later in mid January I was up late because I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. Oh, please, we all know you were watching porn on your computer. Whenever all of a sudden Not all of a suddenly? I heard a noise on my front door. Like a stick being blown against the wind, so I stepped into my living room and all of a suddenly ''Ah, there we go. There’s the stupidity.'' I was frozen. I WAS FROZEN TODAY! Like I really couldn’t move. And then I saw him for the very first time. ''“I saw William Shatner. He did not age well.”'' He slowly stepped out of my kitchen. He wore a black suit and tie. He was so skinny. I swear he was just bone under there. His face… there was nothing. Like... nothing. Wait, so was there nothing? But it somehow moved like… a thousand bees. ''Finally! Bees! I can finally make a bee joke! Now, which joke should I use? On the one hand, there’s the classic “Not the bees!” from Nicholas Cage. On the other hand, there’s the beautiful, “Bees. My God.” from Batman. Ah, screw it, I’ll use both. Not the bees, my God!'' A thousand very tired very organized bees. The bees were both tired and organized? What? And the sound thing… also like bee’s. But more intense and focused. [BEES INTESIFY] Not as random.

He spoke not a word and silently, slowly, calmly, controllingly walked towards me. All of a sudden ''And now you’re back to all of a sudden. Shame. I missed the stupidity.'' my spell was broken from fear and I burst out of my front door. I ran for what seemed like hours. Always swearing that he was right behind me. He probably was. I finally reached friends and called 911. Telling them my house had been broken into. “My house was broken into by an Internet meme!” When they arrived they said there was no sign of forced entry. But that the door had been locked behind me and my keys were inside. My friend said I could stay at his place and I did for a few weeks. Finally he was able to get the story out of me. He said that I should get a psyche evaluation which I calmly rejected too. ''“Too”? What else did he suggest?'' But after some coaxing I finally agreed and went to the hospital. The doctor’s results came in, paranoid schizophrenia. Were you also diagnosed as a bad writer? That’s what they told me. I was given a set of medication. Moved out of that place and found a new one. It’s been a month and a half. And nothing’s happened. But at night, just before I turn off my light to sleep. I feel him again. At least he’s not feeling you. And in the morning, that split second after you wake up before you open your eyes. I know he’s there. I wonder if he’ll ever go away. Well, maybe if you give him $20 he will.

END RIFF

This story sucked. The writing wasn't very good, the Slender Man stalking thing was very cliché (some might say that that's the only thing you can do with Slender Man, which I say is crap), and should I mention "all of a suddenly"? That being said, it did allow me to use those bee jokes. I've always wanted to do that. But in general, this story is a bad representation of why Slender Man is awesome.

What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish Slender Man would stalk me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.