Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26268104-20161003223019/@comment-24101790-20161003234751

As I said when I marked this for review: It has "formatting, punctuation, capitalization, and story issues present. Needs admin review." Starting with the basics, you really shouldn't indent your paragraphs (while correct in most settings, on the wiki it can create a lot of formatting issues and doesn't really look good when some paragraphs are indented and others aren't.

Punctuation: Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "Nick('s) fists began to shake." Questions should have question marks. " “What’s in there,(?)” he asked.", "“Mind if I use your car(?),” he asked his dorm mate.", "“Mind if I search,(?)” he said.", etc. "“I am unsure.” Larry responded", "He continued(comma missing) “We’re now going to see what the father of Nick-who has made a full recovery-has to say.”", etc.. I would suggest proof-reading your story as there are quite a lot of issues present here.

Capitalization: "Nothing past the Iphone9’s (iPhone 9) any good", "satisfied. 25 (Twenty-five) years to be executed felt too long.", "“L…Larry is…” She (she) trailed off.", "“Hey-o Nick. ‘Member (when you exclude a letter, the following letter shouldn't be capitalized) last month?”", "2 (Two) of Nick’s instincts began to fight each other.", "how long? 5 (Five) years? 10 (Ten) years?", etc. I'm sorry but the further I go into the story, the more issues I seem to come across.

Wording: "The only new tech he’d look forward too (to) would be any related to his major-biology.", "It made his (him) gasp for air all the time and gave him high fevers" (additionally this doesn't feel well-researched as typically a fever is more indicative of COPD.), "You missed the final exams! Know (what) that means?”", etc.

Awkward wording: "Nick forced his mouth into a neutral face. He tried to pretend he was talking to Lara, who Nick would have an emotionless face while listening too, generally to cover up how he rarely felt too close to her.", "He had released tears before, but not for years had he produced the sound of crying.", "The only time nothing but the radio was heard was when Larry said “We’ll drop you at your home when this is over, Brad,” when Nick said “Thanks for saving me Brad,” and when he said “Thanks for saving me, dad.”", etc. I suggest reading the story aloud to yourself to see where it comes off as clunky or awkward as there were quite a few instances.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were. "Nick, who was giggling at Carl’s constant stuttering (Carl was an immigrant from Africa and spoke Arabic first.) had bright blue eyes that were close together, red hair, and small ears, which almost represented how he didn’t want to hear anybody criticize him." This line comes out of nowhere and has little bearing on the story. How exactly does that have any influence on the story, additionally the idea of a physical change impacting a mental/personality response needs more explanation. (Large eyes wouldn't correlate to a desire to travel the world and see everything.)

Story issues cont.: "They became exceptionally best friends (awkward wording as best friends is an absolute as well as exceptionally so it comes off as redundant) in 2022 when they protested against the corporations responsible for The Pill Crash of 2022, which made many medicines removed from pharmacies because the ingredients for them were becoming rare and it was making the medicines too expensive for the drug stores to buy." This is awkwardly worded and feels like an information dump.As you mention it throughout the story, it feels like there are better ways to incorporate it into the story.

Story issues cont.: "Then it occurred to him. He had plenty of spare time on the weekends. Perhaps, he thought, he could use that time to work on, and it crept onto him, a treatment for lung cancer." Even if he is driven, how exactly is he going to make any progress when there have been decades of research before him with billions of dollars dumped into it. It feels odd that he'd only start thinking about this when Larry takes a turn for the worse rather than upon the initial diagnosis (especially since you info drop the mortality rate at the start). The idea that he'd make a biological 3D printer on 100 bucks with no experience in its creation is really far-fetched as well. The only thing I could pull up was a 3d printer that converted waste (which is literally the last thing you want to put into a body). This is a pretty flawed premise as it implies that a soon-to-be student is capable of doing what decades of research and millions of dollars couldn't do in his free time with a shoe-string budget.

The dialogue also feels really forced and awkward at times: "“I wish that you continue doing whatever you are attempting in life and pretend that I never existed.”", "“I know that is harsh and difficult to accomplish, but it must be done. You would be punishing me if you hoped these…people you speak of would save me and forget to live your own life.”", "“You’re going to see a therapist,” she said. “Why?” “I think you’ve had a delusion.”", "“Let’s get in the cherry top. We’ll clear this up at the station.”", etc. This really doesn't feel realistic at all.

Story issues cont.: This feels like it started off as a screenplay that you hastily converted when you were told that the which doesn't really accept screenplays. With the transitions it just feels awkward: "His father had once again demonstrated how selfless he was. Just like that other time. (Flashback) Nick and Brad..." Additionally that had nothing to do with explaining how Larry was selfless as it was just Nick and Brad protesting. You get into it later, but at this moment, it just seems like a pointless aside.

Story issues cont.: Nick's random descent into Disassociate Identity Disorder also needs quite a lot of work. It's mentioned randomly in the story (“I have a different personality. One who slacks off, apparently.”) and feels shoe-horned into the story as a justification rather than an actual character trait. Additionally if he's using it as an excuse, why doesn't he go with the much more obvious explanation (his father's terminal disease) for failing to take the test?

Story issues cont.: "Since plenty of farming was done here before the people became rich and moved to better houses, animals were abandoned and had to escape. Human beds were now chicken beds and cow beds." The likelihood of someone just abandoning their houses and animals makes little sense. For example, I just moved from Colorado to a place where I could find work. I took my stuff with me because abandoning everything you own is extremely wasteful and you are held responsible for your property. Not only that, but the possibility of Nick setting up a lab in an auto shop without being detected is unlikely (especially one that still has running electricity.) Property has a tendency to get sold after the business goes under so just having this random section of abandoned town with working electricity, water, etc. doesn't make much sense.

I'm sorry, but there are so many issues here that I think this entire thing needs to be re-written from the ground up. I'm finding story and mechanical issues all over the place and as of writing this I'm only halfway through pointing out issues in the story. I read the entire thing, but I feel like pointing out the other issues would be pointless as this thing is in dire need of a lot of restructuring, re-writing, and re-thinking. The dialogue is awkward, there are numerous scenes that don't work, this feels more like a hastily converted screenplay, the characterization is stunted, etc., etc., etc.