Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24490614-20150625035334/@comment-26007602-20150626234100

The journal tags would definitely add to the story as it (at least it would for me) clear up reader confusion. I don't see any reason to leave them out.

I've never played "The Last of Us", but from my little knowledge of the game, I didn't make any comparisons between it and your story; I don't think they're similar, and even if they are, it shouldn't really detract from the story.

I get that you want mystery around the infection, but it's actually better to drop little hints at what the infection could be, as the reader's mind will fill in the blanks on its own (Usually driving towards what unnerves the reader most). We as readers like to think we're clever, so we'll try to figure out what's going on before the characters in the story do. Then we become more invested in the story and try to piece together what's happening from the little details you give us. That's why I think your explanation of the infection, while thorough, is too abrupt. If you expand this, you should ease it into the story so the reader can put it together without you telling them in one paragraph. Of course, that's where the obscurity of the barnacle comes into play, as most readers won't guess that's what it is. That's good and bad. Good: Readers will say, "Ah, that's clever." Bad: Readers will say, "But how was I supposed to figure that out?"

Anyways, I look forward to the revisions.