Talk:Caffeine/@comment-25148755-20161208043808

So this was easily my favorite of your three stories I read.

You still have the same shirt cadence I mentioned in my Crescent Forest critique, except where before it was distracting, here it actually works really well due to the nature of the subject matter.

This piece is totally gonzo and I like it for that.

Writing a second person pasta is always a challenge but you've pulled it off nicely here (the couple slips to first person I attribute to the 'other' person mentioned by the mind(s) at the end rather than actually being in error).

While most of the odd word choice serves to reinforce the hyperactive yet sleep deprived nature of the character, there are a couple parts that seem a little off and distracting. In particular: "Usually when you slumber in this position, you enter a world of splendor and mirth." This seemed just a bit too much. Also: "...you examine the shadow of a prick" As other commenters previously noted I would probably change this, perhaps to "you notice the prick's shadow".

Other than those few minor comments, I feel this was a nice little bizarre piece and agree the last paragraph is great.