Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25326117-20150827040037/@comment-25326117-20150919063842

Oaura wrote: This was not what I was expecting at all, but more on that later. Let's begin shall we?

What You Did Right:

Now, I'm acting on the assumption that this story's language is meant to be more conversational than other more formal prose. In all honesty, I believe that this style does the story credit. The language used by the protagonist is exactly what I would have expected from a realistic character in the age range implied by the specific school types the protagonist/narrator is going to.

Chad is also a very strong character, however his motives are very unclear. 'The Leg Secret' was an interesting concept that can be quite creepy, however, it feels as though it was portrayed almost romantically in this story. If you were aiming to make it more creepy, I would dwell on how this 'Leg Secret' makes the protagonist feel; describing it in a way that is not telling us she feels this way, but showing us. A major credit to this story is that Chad is not ever fully explained. It generates mystery and intrigue and it keeps the readers reading. At times I wasn't sure whether Chad was (as he wants to be a doctor) harvesting body parts or whether he didn't have legs (having wooden ones in their stead) and he wanted the protagonist's legs. It was definitely a good sense of mystery.

The doubt that the protagonist has for Chad also helps build this story and is the foundation for where we get the sense of dread and fear towards Chad's character. This is done well from what I can see but I do get the feeling you could make that sense of fear and dread more than it is now (remember to show, not tell).

Another credit to this story is that it is real. And I don't just mean "oh, that's an actual type of tree and an actual town, it must me legit", I mean that this story takes away from monster and men, of werewolves and vampires. It doesn't conscern itself with fictitious creatures and thus the barrier between fiction and non fiction are blurred. The reader isn't shielded by the delusion of 'that monster isn't real' but terrified by the idea that there are people out there who probably do this type of thing. These people could be at their school, their workplace and even next door. It's a situation that doesn't occur in dreams, but in their lives. This particular style of horror is a lot more effective than your stereotypical killers and your fiendish Draculas. And when done right can illicit true paranoia and fear.

As a final note for this section, I am so glad you didn't go into the whole 'rape victim' stereotype to create fear. If your protagonist had of gotten raped this review would have been a lot different.

What You Did Wrong:

The story has a few stems in its flow. These stems are primarily sections and words of text that appear too frequently in sentences or in close proximity to each other. These can utterly sever a reader's immersion into a story, requiring them to stop and then re-read the particular area. An example of where this has been done is in the first paragraph: '... I should probably start from the beginning of when I met him. I was in ninth grade when I first met him...'. The '... I met him...' phrases are too close and the two sentences they are attached to feel as though they only one needs to be there. In times when you feel certain phrases and words are used too frequently or in quick succession, I would recommend a visit to an online thesaurus such as thesaurus.com or to just search for synonyms for the word.

There is also awkward phrasing that, whilst making sense, damages the flow of your story. For example: '... It was on one day...' would read far better if it was written as '... It was on a day...'.

As far as the onomatopoeia in the second paragraph goes, I would recommend that rather than 'ouf' be written as "Ouf", it should be written as ouf.

The largest piece of criticism I have about this story is the ending. The ending doesn't make complete sense. And above all of that, it's got all of this build up from the rest of the story but then ends with no concrete resolution. This left me feeling quite honestly anxious. Not in the way that I was worried but in the way that I had all of these thoughts and feelings and absolutely no ending to vent them with. I believe that the last line '... Was I really telling the truth about him or not...' was a direct reference to the fact that she had told her parents that she didn't know Chad, but I think it needs to be a lot more clear as it wasn't apparent after my first read through.

Overview:

In all honesty, I like the story. It needs improvements, but I like it. Building on the fear and dread created through Chad's character would definitely make this story creepier especially in regards to putting doubts in both your character's and your reader's minds about Chad and his history/who he is. The realism lends itself also to the fear factor of the story, allowing for a less thick barrier between the reader and the situation. There are points in which the sentence structure is a little weird and breaks the flow, but I'm sure that can be easily rectified. The ending also needs work in regards to clarity and maybe a bit more explanation. Overall, you've done a great job with this story and I look forward to reading it and/or your reply in the future.

Good luck in your writing adventure! Thanks, I'll take your advice into consideration. I was wondering what you were thinking 'Chad' would be about.