Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24965948-20140521143659/@comment-9967354-20140521154842

Uhh, this could use some editing, but most of it would require the writer, you, to do it yourself.

For one, you've used ellipses as often as you've used periods. Rather than this, you can work with commas. They're less... obtrusive, to the reader. To be honest, even the bits in Harry Potter where harry was dreaming about the ministry of magic, and that door, etc, the over-usage of these: '...' put me off. Also, make sure there are three periods there, not two.

Another thing about this that bugs me is the fact that each parah is a single sentence. Makes the narrator seem a little short, and unimaginative. You really have to bring out the scene.

Thats all I can think of right now.