Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28546665-20160526042043/@comment-24101790-20160526044611

As you repeated a number of mistakes from your last story, I'll advise you to look over my previous message as well. Repeatedly posting the same mistakes doesn't really help you as an author so I suggest you take your time as rushing stories will result in their deletion.

Formatting issues: “Last month my wife and I had moved into a new house on Star Lane.  The place was a nice old 3-room house dated back to 1940.” Additionally a majority of your paragraphs are only a couple sentences. A typical paragraph is five-ten. Any more and it comes off as blocky, any less and it makes it seem like you’re padding out the story. You also combine dialogue in a single paragraph which is never a good idea. ““Please sir, please I need help.” “You should have called the police,” I said very carefully.”

Wording: “In my mind I’ve always horror (sic) as fake and non-existent.” Awkward wording: “He broke into the (a) sprint and placed his face right near the glass.”, “The place was a nice old 3-room house dated (dating) back to 1940.“, "I sneaked to the window." You also have some tense issues here. "I slowly slide (slid) out the longest piece of blonde hair I have ever seen."

Miscellaneous: Capitalization issues: “341st Star Lane was our only option.” Sentences need to be properly capitalized so you shouldn't begin with numbers or write them out so they can be properly capitalized. "I had just consumed When (when) I was throwing up. " Punctuation issues: Apostrophes missing from possessive words and conjunctions. “a females voice answered”, "“Its (It's) not important", etc. Commas missing where needed. "I resisted breaking the hand backwards and falling to the floor."

Story issues: “When I was throwing up. A shit load of hair poured out from my mouth. The whole entire toilet was filled with blonde hair.” How exactly does that work? He ate a steak, how is he throwing up a bezoar large enough to fill an entire toilet? Additionally the dialogue feels really forced and awkward. Lines like: “Whoever is there, in the black of night? I just need to look for my sight.”, "“But this is the only phone I can call, I’m dead.” She laughed.", and “Its not important, you will be joining us soon.” feel pretty generic like they were lifted straight from a horror story.

Story issues cont.: A lot of your descriptions are very generic. “His face was bloodied and scarred and he had no pupils. His eyes were pure white and bloodshot. Black blood oozed from his eyes.“ A lot of the story feels forced. Instead of all this happening over a period of time and slowly building up the tension, you try to blitz it all into one night and it just feels over-the-top and forced. This family likely had to do a walk-through of the house before they bought it, why didn't any of this stuff happen then or later when they moved in, giving it a more suspenseful feel. Doing it all at once makes if feel like you're going for a 'jumpscare' environment which really isn't conducive for environment building.

Story issues end: The ending feels incredibly anti-climactic and doesn't really resolve anything in the story. "I climbed over the fence and ended up on the outside of my neighbor’s fence. I sprinted around my house. There was nothing." So the ghosts/beings vanished, what happened to the family preparing to live there? What is the backstory behind the house? Why did the neighbors not hear anything? As this is the third story of yours I've looked over that's had multiple issues where it isn't up to quality standards in the span of two days, I would strongly suggest taking your time with your ideas instead of hammering them out and repeating errors.