Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180828001306/@comment-35911608-20180829111508

Not just loading on because Bloody posted (totally is haha), but think I've let it settle a bit and I've come to some of the same conclusions.

It was an entertaining story, I'll give it that. But as Bloody stated, Williams seems a bit unrealistic. Now we get that it's supposed to be that way so that he is even considered for the ritual, but with the things we're told he has done, the immortality doesn't even seem necessary. Especially after the ritual with his continuous deaths; if he's such a good fighter, then why is he getting constantly killed now? If it's because he knows he's immortal, then isn't that just kinda tossing all his training aside? If not, then where's the Batman we had to start. The rank name sounds silly I guess, but I don't know much about that so I'm in no position to argue about that. But I do agree with Bloody a bit, just seems a little hypocritical to ask us to believe in this completely, and then nitpick others when they venture away from reality to an extent.

I wasn't particularly creeped out by any part of the story, maybe the devil at the end, but I'll get to that later. I'd add some kind of unsettling tone or more descriptions throughout the entirety of the ritual, I think it would creep the reader out much more.

The devil. Mm. No. It feels like a bit of a last second cop out to end the story, especially when you were using loas for the ritual. Not really feeling the mixture of cultures here. It was well written, sure, but didn't feel appropriate. I'd ditch the devil or any chance of escape myself, build up the reader's panic, and end off once Williams loses his mind about being trapped in that mountain for ten thousand years in natural torture.

For positives, I think the plot itself, aside from what I mentioned above, is well planned out. I personally really liked the scene after the ritual's completion, I could really imagine what was happening and it felt violent and blunt, great job there. I imagine this is more helpful than my previous comment.