User blog:Dorkpool/Channel Zero Episode 2: A Review

So, Syfy put out a second episode of “Channel Zero,” and I feel I have to review it. Why? Damned if I know. Anyway, let’s catch up a bit on what happened last time. Spoilers!

PREVIOUSLY:

Child psychologist and guy who had a twin brother Mike Painter goes back to his childhood home after being released from a psych ward. He decides to do a bit of investigation into the death of his brother and other kids. During this, he ends up at the home of an old friend where said old friend’s child, Katie, is watching an old show named “Candle Cove.” The next day, Katie goes missing and Mike assumes there’s a connection between “Candle Cove,” Katie, and the dead kids. Mike finds Katie, arousing the suspicion of her parents, and our final shot is of…Gravel Man?

By the way, quick shout out to Tin77 for explaining a bit about what in the hell Gravel Man is. For those who don’t know, Gravel Man came from the nightmare of the show’s creator, who felt he needed to include ol’ Gravel Head.

Now, to our regularly scheduled review.

So, Katie’s watching “Candle Cove” again, and the show pretty much tells her to murder her brother. She tries doing so, but her brother survives. Both are admitted into the hospital, but for different reasons.

Katie’s mom decides to call Mike so he can ask Katie what in the hell she was trying to do, since Mike’s a child psychologist, and that’s his job. Katie’s dad, the cop, reluctantly agrees, and Mike’s called in.

As Mike goes to Katie’s room, he notices a picture that matches a scene in “Candle Cove” and asks a passing hospital official who drew it. The hospital official looks at Mike like he’s crazy, because honestly asking, “Which child drew this random picture on your wall?” is kind of a weird question. Mike takes the drawing, and goes to Katie’s room, where they talk for a bit. Katie’s dad is monitoring this from security cameras, and when Mike touches Katie (not like that, you sickos!), he decides to end this little interview. After Mike and the cop leave, we see Gravel Man in Katie’s room.

Now, there’s this random scene in the episode, and I forget where exactly it was placed, but I have to mention it. Basically, some female cop goes to some lady’s house. The lady says she collects her kid’s teeth, and finds they were missing (like some of Katie’s teeth at the end of last episode). She also says that teeth are like the visible part of the skeleton, and smiling is just showing off your skeleton. It’s such a weird and awkward scene, and it needed to be mentioned.

Also during the episode, Mike’s mom decides to investigate “Candle Cove.” She talks with the mom of some other murdered kid, and ends up at the TV station. There, the creepy as all hell employee (creepy as in “I made a necklace of children’s teeth around my junk because it makes me feel all tingly”) shows her his fanmade “Candle Cove.” Like most fanmade knock-offs, it sucks. [insert jokes about “Candle Cove: Tales of the Laughingstock” and Jeff the Killer here] Anyway, as it turns out, “Candle Cove” was unrecordable, and only appeared on random channels, most likely by pirating signals. “Pirate signals for a pirate show,” the creepy employee said. Seriously, that’s an actual line. And you thought my jokes were bad.

Anyway, Mike’s mom returns home to find that Mike taped Katie’s drawing to the TV, because plot. Mike’s mom sees the drawing, and says it resembles, to an extent, some random warehouse. So, the Painter duo rush off to check it out.

It’s here I should mention that the guy who plays Mike really kind of sucks as an actor. Sometimes his performance reminds of Mark Wahlberg in The Happening. Yeah. That bad.

Anyway, Mike and his mom arrive at the warehouse where, after a few minutes of search, they find the corpse of Mike’s twin (whose name I forgot. Honestly, for these reviews, I’m just going on memory) in the center of some ritualistic candle placement. The cops are called, and Mike is surprised that his brother’s body is there.

At home, Mike explains to his mom why he was so surprised: he killed his brother and buried him in a certain place. His mom, naturally, isn’t happy about this, and tells him to leave. Mike complies, and ends up sleeping somewhere else.

He has a dream similar to the Skin-Taker one from last episode, but with Horrace Horrible instead. Honestly, I have to give some kudos to this scene, because it’s kind of creepy. Mike’s watching “Candle Cove,” turns around, and BAM! Giant creepy hand puppet talking to him.

Mike’s woken up by a knock on his door. It’s the cop, and, as it turns out, his mom ratted him out. The cop arrests him.

Now, remember that one lady Mike’s mom was talking to earlier? The one with the dead kid? Well, she shows up at the very end holding what I think are teeth and getting the attention of Gravel Man who, up close, doesn’t look so gravelly. Gravel Man eats the teeth(?), and our episode ends.

Despite some awkward moments and bad acting, this was still a pretty good episode. Since the boring stuff and exposition were taken care of last episode, we can finally get to the good stuff, which we did. Secrets were revealed, things happened, and I can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Anyway, tune in next time as I tell more jokes about Mike “What? No” Paint and the Gravel(ish) Man, and leave your thoughts, insults, and corrections in the comments below.