Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25975226-20150302123158/@comment-25941663-20150302125406

I am writing this as I read:

I think the phrase "the grogginess from within them" should be "their grogginess". It sounds more natural.

Also, "making the breakfast" could be cut down to "making breakfast".

"up awful early" should be "up awfully early"

"silence begin to close" could be "silence beginning to close" or "silence begun to close"

"blow and a kiss" should be "blow a kiss"

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Technical details aside, I enjoyed this story. I always felt that something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The twist was excellent and unexpected.

My only problem is that at times the dialogue was a bit unnatural, but it's nothing serious. Maybe an odd phrase or two.

Overally, this was great, especially for a short pasta. Well done.