Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28326338-20160428093232/@comment-28266772-20160428152446

I feel as though the primary purpose of this story is to expose the reader to scenes of torture. But the very quote on the front page of this wikia points out why this isn't really the purpose of any horror story.

“To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none.”

—Francis Bacon

But I'm not here to tell you why you should write, I can only offer advice. Firstly, technically speaking there are lots and lots of issues with proof reading here. Run on sentences, swapping of tenses, misspellings and more. Read over your work, or find a friend who's willing to do it for you. It's an absolute essential part of any writing process.

Secondly, there are loads of plot holes. The story ends up not making a load of sense. Why does she kill her daughter (she's happy to let her go live with the nana at first, but then suddenly straight up tortures her)? Why does she have a magic ball gag of doom? And where does she get it? Why does everyone go to sleep in a busy city because the sun sets? Why does she only kill herself now (as opposed to straight after the husband left here)? Why does the daughter ask to kill the mother? Why does no one notice a mother walking a daughter with a leash around her neck? Why does the daughter have the pain tolerance of an 80's action hero on crack?

[In fact there are a few... interesting themes that recur throughout this story. The ball gag. The leash. The discipline. The handcuffs. The stifling of screams at threat of punishment. Freud would have a field day with this. Was it on purpose?]

So yeah... I always like to end on a positive so I will say this. Your writing is efficient. It conveys the necessary amount of information to the audience as quickly as possible, and doesn't keep us waiting around. This has two effects. First, it keeps your story short and easy to read. It's insane how many writers don't consider this, and how often a story can become buried under frivolous and unnecessary stylistic touches. Secondly, it makes the whole thing feel like a twisted fairy tale. It's minimalistic, and a little bit surreal too. That's a great quality for horror to have.

So yeah, maybe approach some different subject matter but keep the creepy tone and voice.

Regards,

Christian Wallis