Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30741304-20161213135509/@comment-28266772-20161216165504

“This show can’t be real” I said in disbelief.

“You never know,” Dave states [tense swap; stated] as he lay on the bed across the room playing a game on his cell phone.

“Ghost Hunters? How in the world can you hunt something that you can’t even see?”

“They have gear and camera’s that are made for this stuff”, Dave responds now looking at me with undivided attention [looking at it, it seems like this story’s in present tense so you should probably start with ‘I say in disbelief’ and ignore my note on ‘stated’]. “Motion detectors, light sensors, infrared cameras, and electromagnetic doo-hickeys that help you find them.” He continued. [find them,” he continued.]

“Have you ever encountered a spirit or ghost?” I ask Dave hesitantly.

“Yeah, my mom was wiccan. She spoke with the dead very often”, he added. [,” he added] “I have seen a spirit before, and I’ve hated mirrors ever since.”

I furrowed my brow in doubt, but kept watching the show anyways. It is literally the only thing interesting that’s on the TV. There’s not even a good movie on. I checked [check] the time as I yawned [yawn,] finding myself disbelieving in any of [‘in any of’ – superfluous, you can cut these three words out and it still makes sense] the supernatural nonsense. “You know I haven’t heard any radio chatter for us. Didn’t you take some people out for dinner earlier? Shouldn’t they be calling for the ride back by now?” I question Dave.

“I did, and they said they won’t be done until late. They sounded excited to drink” Dave explained. '[Dave’s getting a bit repetitive by here; try ‘I question.’ Followed by ‘he explained’. Ah Jeez I just noticed you changed tense – you gotta keep on top of that, i.e. it ought to be ‘he explains’]'

“Still I guess I should check in on everybody to make sure we missed a call somehow. – Maintenance to front desk” I called [call] over the radio. No answer.

“It’s a quiet night tonight man we probably won’t get any more calls”

“— Maintenance to front desk” I repeated. [I repeat] “Is your radio on Dave?”

“Uhhh, yeah”

“I don’t hear myself on yours, turn the volume up” I said [say]. Dave had [has] already begun turning the radio volume up proving it to be louder than I believed it to had [have] been. I looked [look] at him puzzled, and I turn down the volume of the television as he tries to make a call to the front desk.

“Houseman to front desk”

I am not able to hear him on my radio either, but the power light is on. I check my radio channel and it is correct as well. “This is the strangest” – I am interrupted by the sound of the entry door closing. “That was” – [“That was—”]

“The front door?” Dave muttered [mutters] finishing my sentence for me.

“How?! I had the privacy latch holding it open.” I choked [choke] out as I hurried [hurry] over to the door. Astonished, I try the door handle thinking maybe someone closed it on us. “Wait, the door won’t budge. Its stuck on something!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Now that just sounds stupid. You just need to pull harder, they get jammed on the frame sometimes”. He made [makes] his way to the door next to me, and pushed [pushes] me aside readying his grip to try to pry the door open.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Man! This is a tough one.” He affirms, '[one,” he affirms. “Usually…] '“usually they just need a downward force to pry the top out from under the frame”. [.”] I must have looked [must look sickly] sickly, because Dave was quick on his feet with another plan. “No worries though, we just need to call the front desk and have them come help let us out”. He moved [moves] past me to the phone on the desk. I stayed [stay] at the front door absolutely stunned that the front door [front door; repetition] was so stuck. I have never encountered a door that stuck to the frame of the door [door; repetition], [full stop] “what [“What…”] do you think they will do if they can’t get it off”?

<p class="MsoNormal">“It’s just static man”, Dave announced [announces] from across the room ignoring my question. My eyes stay fixed on Dave as he continuously presses the receiver lever down.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I’ll try my cell phone” [phone,”]    I cried out already pulling up the dial screen. I tried to dial [dial; reptition] the front desk, before realizing my service had [has] somehow disappeared in the mere five minutes since we had [delete; had] stopped watching the show.

<p class="MsoNormal">My head was swimming, and I braced myself against the wall as I considered our situation. '[Right, at this stage I feel like your tenses are all over the place. Completely butchered. I’ll link you to a blog on tenses below in my final notes but for now I’m never going to finish this thing before 2018 if I keep picking out every tense mistake] 'I considered yelling or calling out to someone, or to anyone next door who surely would hear us. Except doing so would cause them to be upset with us. They wouldn’t have a key for this room, and would likely just yell at us to be quiet. We do need someone to know we need help though. What can we do? If only I – [I assume this panic is due to them being stuck, right?]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Dave something just moved under the sheets of the bed behind you!” my voice now shaking as I try to stand. Dave jumps back throwing the phone receiver down on the console. He reaches out far from his body staying away from the bed as he tosses the covers aside.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Stop playing around man, there is nothing here” [here.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">“NO man there was definitely something small that moved, it looked like a rat or something. IT was literally there for only a second” [second,”] I move closer seeing that the wool comforter being the only thing beneath the sheets.

<p class="MsoNormal">Static comes over our radios nearly giving both of us a heart attack. My eyes shoot over to mine still sitting next to the sofa chair, and I make my way over to it. Dave pulled his off his belt, and held it close to his ear listening closely [close; repetition] to the static.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hello, can you hear me? This is Dave I’m stuck in room 224 and can’t get out” [out,”] Dave stated as he lifted his finger off the talk button. More static returns his call, and I pick my radio up off the desk. I am just a second away from pressing call when we hear a voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">“—Stuck – Ian. Dave” – the only words I could make out beyond the static of the radio.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes!” I called back “Both of us are in room 224! We need someone to come help us get the room door open” I shouted into the radio.

<p class="MsoNormal">“– help” the only word barely distinguishable past the static that only grew louder as the seconds ticked by.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I do not understand. Repeat” I pleaded.

<p class="MsoNormal">Both the radios and the television shut off at the same exact moment. A heavy, deafening silence fills the room, and neither Dave nor I move for a couple of seconds. Just as the silence was chewing on my neck sending chills down my spine Dave speaks up “I think they heard us, calm down”. [calm down.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Nobody is coming to help” [help,”; Ima stop with these now] the voice announced. The voice was clearer this time, but still noticeably muffled. This is a voice I have not heard before, and upon realizing this I quiet my breathing. The voice was so close to us. It sounded as if it were in the same room as us. I glanced over to Dave too frightened to speak, and he returned the look with concern.

<p class="MsoNormal">Neither of us spoke, or hardly breathed as we both looked over the room trying to figure where the voice was coming from. I move first, quietly maneuvering to the bathroom door.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dave follows me to the closed bathroom door, and he took a hold of the handle while I fished my pocket for a weapon. Feeling the cold metal on my skin I retrieve a box cutter from my back pocket, and wield it like a weapon. He held up three fingers letting me know what he is thinking, and begins to mouth the words:

<p class="MsoNormal">Three.

<p class="MsoNormal">Two.

<p class="MsoNormal">One.

<p class="MsoNormal">I step forward into the entrance of the small bathroom sure that this is the end. The light from the main room poured in revealing the bathroom to be the exact same way I had left it. Caulk littered the bathroom floor, and another box cutter knife lie on the vanity.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Nothing” I sigh as I lower my clenched fists. I glance up at the exhaust fan thinking maybe the voice was coming from the room next door. I angrily mutter as I position myself below it. “Hey you had better let us out right now, or I am calling the cops”.

<p class="MsoNormal">A minute passed, and went as my heart was pounding out of my chest. My mind was racing, and I exhaled deeply trying to dismiss a slight bit of tension. I lowered my guard feeling hopeless as a suffocating density began to occupy the room.

<p class="MsoNormal">“You both are going to die in this room.” The voice called out to us from the living room area. The voice was deeper than mine by an octave at least, and it sounded like the voice of a chain smoker.

<p class="MsoNormal">I nearly jumped out of my skin hearing it this time. Dave was noticeably shaken as well, and grabbed the other box cutter that was on the bathroom vanity counter.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">We retraced our steps back into the main room where the density of the stale air seemed to be heavier now. As we cautiously crept out of the bathroom, I motioned Dave to go stand by the window besides the bed on the opposite side of the room. I stayed positioned and ready by the entry way besides the other twin bed. The air was stifling, as was the murky black void of dusk that peered into the room from the window. I began my frantic search looking over the ceiling and under the bed for the source of the voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dave had undertaken the task of dismantling the sofa seat nearest to the window. I began ripping sheets off the bed closest to me before glancing behind me to check the open closet.

<p class="MsoNormal">“The same way I died.” the voice now bellowed.

<p class="MsoNormal">Trembling, I instantly turned my head to see the wool cover on the bed across the room near Dave moving. It was pressing on the cover trying to get out. The sound of scratching and tearing filled the room as the wool cover was forcibly being ripped from the bed. Dave began stabbing at the bed with the box cutter trying to kill whatever it was inside the bed.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Locked in with the assailant, knife taken from me and used against me” the deep raspy voice continued.

<p class="MsoNormal">A grey decaying hand pierced through the bedding, skin and muscle missing from several digits. The room now began filling with the smell of decay and rot. Yellow-white bone shown through the riven flesh of the hand as it tried to grab Dave every time he stabbed at it.

<p class="MsoNormal">I vaulted myself over the bed in front of me, heart pounding from the adrenaline.

<p class="MsoNormal">“In the inky blackness of night” the undead thing maliciously concluded. Just as it finished, I plant my feet on the carpet and every light bulb in the room burst.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – Lordy lord, so many. The biggest issue is the tense swapping. I’d suggest rewriting this in present tense given the ending. You can find a blog here that goes into some more depth on tenses and it should help you get a better understanding of how they work. Other than that punctuation is a big issue but not the end of the world. So really, the mechanical issues come down to punctuation and tense swapping, although word repetition is a bit of a problem too (try not to repeat words within the same sentence, or close together e.g. “I shut the door. The door opens.”)

<p class="MsoNormal">Styles issues – Some of the action isn’t conveyed very well (e.g. “He reaches out far from his body staying away from the bed as he tosses the covers aside.”) and the dialogue feels a bit stunted at times. Nonetheless I didn’t see a lot of issues and thought, for the most part, your prose did the job.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – So there’s some superfluous stuff floating around here. I think Dave could get the axe entirely, and you’d do well to clarify the radio thing (I assume they’re taxi drivers?). For some reason though I generally liked it. I like the overall course of events and I liked the whole setup. I liked the static, the arm, the voice; it’s alright. I think if you worked a little harder to develop a better sense of setting (How big is this apartment? Is it high up? On the ground floor? How isolated should these guys feel?) and didn’t have them immediately panic as soon as the door is stuck then it’d be a pretty solid plot. Though, like I said, I reckon you could get rid of Dave entirely. I don’t think he adds anything.