Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26054278-20160501084031/@comment-25941663-20160507141739

"see the obese officer slipped sipping a cup of coffee" - I think the word 'slipped' was added accidentally (one could say, it 'slipped' in the text).

"whole body was reconstructing itself for another purpose" - This is a nitpick, and not a grammatical error, but I don't like the 'for another purpose' part. It doesn't add anything to the story and it sticks out a bit too much. Personally, I would remove it.

"spark in him that he may have once used to have had" - The last part, 'he may have once used to have had' is terribly long and confusing. Replace it with 'he once had', or something like that.

"so arrogant that he won’t us as a threat until" - There's a word missing between 'us' and 'as'.

"the others upon grabbed the shiny" - I'm pretty sure it's 'grabbing', or you can replace 'upon' with 'and'.

"sharp jaws of the thing as they mashed together" - The 'as' doesn't fit in here.

"feasting upon Emma's rotting cranium" - I know this is how Tom is imagining the scene, but Emma couldn't have possibly be rotting while she was still screaming and getting attacked. I mean, she was still alive.

"the solitude that Tom felt here was enough for Tom to wish" - You used 'Tom' twice in quick succession. I suggest you change the second occurence to 'him'. Also, I suggest you remove 'here', as you use it in the very next sentence too.

"The sensation of hopeless" - I think it's 'hopelessness', unless this is a saying of sorts.

"making the atmosphere, of old, destroyed building, even bleaker than before." - There are too many commas in here and I don't think they all fit. Also, there should be a 'the' between 'of' and 'old'.

"If, at the least, for John and Emma." - I'm not sure the 'if' has a place here.

---

In the beginning, Emma doesn't seem that upset about her friends' situation. She is annoyed by the officer, she thinks too much about his words (the "assertive" part) and she even tries to explain what "Tropical Point" is. I understand that she is anxious and that can manifest in many ways, but here she comes off as too distracted.

I don't really understand the use of the nicknames "Snake" and "Owl". Firstly, it isn't realistic at all that anyone would use nicknames on a statement to a police officer. Second, I'm pretty sure the office would already know the names either way, and lastly, the nicknames don't seem to be playing any part in the story, unless I missed something.

I felt like the "Perfect Hell" was a bit random, to be honest. The crying/chanting, the flashing colors, then the wolves and the room, they all felt out of place. If the Gamekeeper really wanted to mess with the guys, he could have gone a lot deeper in their psyche. Maybe he could have used their past in some way, or he could take the form of one of the three, or he could try and make them turn against each other. Now their little adventure seems too random and comes off a bit as pointless.

More importantly, there's not much going on in the story, I'm afraid. You have that part with Emma at the beginning that is there to set up her character and story, then a brief "ushering" of the other two characters, and then they go on their adventure. The adventure should usually be the exciting part of a story, but here it seemed more like an after-thought. As I said, it's way too random and it's over rather quickly. As a result, there's no suspense build-up and the scare-factor just isn't there.

Grammar and wording is spot on, and the premise is interesting. But as with the previous story, it doesn't reach its full potential. It's a nice read as a story, but I'm afraid as a creepypasta it is mediocre. It's not bad, but it's not good either.

Towards the end (after Emma died) the story picked itself up. The Impostor on the brink of mental collapse was a great touch, and it was amazing how you played with the reader's sense of reality nearing the end. And the ending itself is, I think, a suitable ending to the story/trilogy.

Overall, it is nicely written with tons of potential, but the execution is mediocre.