Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25382945-20150926180900/@comment-27028306-20150926202416

While this definitely darker and therefore more in line with what constitutes a CreepyPasta (you know, something creepy), it still struggles a great deal.

Grammatical - There are again a few grammatical issues, most of which pertain to punctuation. For example, before dialogue you should use a comma instead of starting a new sentence for the dialogue.

Structure - The majority of the sentences are yet again short and simple. This causes the story to be somewhat boring as it is both very easy and uninteresting to read.

Plot - This is definitely better than your last attempt with this story. However, there is no character development, certain plot elements feel rushed, and due to this being a theory, there should be some evidence as opposed to ancedotal claims. Also, the ending yet again bothers me - after introducing ideas in the form of a "theory", you suddenly bring the spiritual/religious into the picture with forewarning or explanation, merely dropping it in there. It could be argued that this is derived from the aforementioned "obscure world" in the story, but that tid bit is so vague and unexplained that it doesn't help.

I think this is on the right track, but it definitely needs more work.

Hope this helps,

Mosh302 (talk) 20:24, September 26, 2015 (UTC)mosh302