Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160413174929/@comment-24101790-20160414033415

Starting with the basics, I did notice some formatting/spacing, capitalization, and wording issues that should be fixed.

Formatting: "“Marlee?” “That you, Lisa?”" Should be spaced out so two speakers aren't on the same line. "I could have asked it what it was ?" (no space needed there) Capitalization: "“I’m not leaving this tub!” His (his) irate sibling called out. "

Wording: "As (not needed) he was thinking of whether to get Mom when a flickering yellow light suddenly came on behind the frosted glass.", "Dimly she became aware of yet another smell, that of her fear-frozen brother finally loosing (losing) all bladder control.", "the way it stood apart from its never (newer) neighbors, tucked back in the redwoods at the edge of town."

Story: While there is some good description in the story, you tend to go off a bit too much on tangents that don't really influence the story. Lines like: "Since middle school she had gone through turquoise, aquamarine, jade green and hot neon pink with orange leopard spots, and had to settled for her natural strawberry-blonde when Mom finally put her foot down.", "Maybe one of the tubes was bad or there was a short circuit somewhere or maybe even a grounding problem, Dad would certainly know since he was licensed, qualified electrician, but he was away working overtime at a construction site in Murrelet.", and "Even when the Briarleighs got rid of the remaining outdated furniture and useless antique clutter, they still found little knick-knacks from time to time tucked away behind wall panels, behind dresser drawers, under the floor boards, even in the holes of old stumps." really don't have as much impact on the story and pull away from the story itself. In a longer story, this builds characters and environments, in a shorter story, it feels like random pieces of information that down impact the plot.

I would also suggest maybe building on the scene when the family realizes there's something in the house to create a bit more suspense. All in all, it feels like you're building up to something that never fully feels realized. I think if you revised this some and tightened the story in aspects, you could have an entertaining read, but for now there are some issues that could really use some re-working.