Talk:Became/@comment-25226524-20160116190010

Went ahead and finished it. It did improve in flow and overall quality as I read. The biggest problem is too many words. The concept is definitely strange, which I like, and the end is a nice punch to the gut, but it was a bit tedious. Conciseness is what you need to focus on in my opinion. Bookmark this and this. I really think working on this particular issue could be the key to a big step forward. The dialogue felt a little unnatural at times, especially that lengthy internal piece where he's convincing himself to kill his boss, but I think this problem will also start resolving itself if you work on your conciseness. Lastly, this does need proofread again. There are some typos, missing words, extra words, etc.