Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25226524-20140820224028/@comment-24381191-20140823121232

I would suggest not starting sentences with I so much. Most of your sentences during the first half have the same structure 'I did this.' Sort of like that. Maybe you should change those a little, like 'I hear the trickling of a stream' can become 'The trickling of a stream plays out in my ears.' I'm sure you'll find something better than 'plays out, but, you get the point.

You've also missed alot commas and capitalization, a quick proofread can solve that. One sentence is 'It all went down hill from there.' Its should be uphill, and there's no space between up/down and hill. Same goes for paper thin, it's paper-thin.

The paragraphs should be a little longer, most of them are two to three lines, and that's not too impressive. Be flexible with your paragraphs, maybe some of  them can be combined to form an eight-line paragraph, but don't make them too long either.

As for the story, I kinda like it. It may not be scary, but it makes the reader think, and more importantly, feel for the main character. We feel his pain when he loses his daughter and wife. I saw the coma part coming, and the title only made it more obvious, but I thought that the protagonist would have to live with it. The hell part I didn't expect. But, nice story.