Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-23872426-20140612023622/@comment-24821182-20140612054811

I thought the story was all right, and while I get your point about it being over-descriptive, it's not like you're spewing pointless exposition. You could probably add to the atmosphere of the story by telling us more about how Allison feels as she's going through this, though.

Also, I noticed some incorrect sentences, but I'm guessing they're just the result of rushing it:

"How odd, show thought to herself..."

"...revving its’ engine..."

"...followed by a another..."

Proofread, then take some time to reflect on any possible ways to improve the story, and then you can try posting it as an article.