Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26197379-20150313205713/@comment-24101790-20150313210507

There are some pretty large issues here. Dialogue needs to be spaced out. (Two speakers should never be in the same paragraph to prevent confusion. "She gasps, “What the(hyphen missing)?!” Then, she realized it as(sic) just her friend, Julie. “Blair,class(spacing issue) is over, c’mon, let(')s go!”.(Period not needed)" You also start multiple sentences with conjunctions (but, and, because), which should be avoided as it can give the story a choppy/unpolished feel

Capitalization/Punctuation issues: " year. 17 (Seventeen) year old,", "They walked in the room, and they can (could) see many people with running chainsaws in their hands,(.) The (The/the)", "... and walked faster. more (More)...", "...screamed. he (He) didn't stop at them," (Rephrase needed) Apostrophes missing from words indicating possession. "the friend(')s arms", "parents(') door"

Wording: Your story shifts from present tense (The second paragraph) to past tense (the following paragraphs.) "...since her school doesn't let you wear your costume, but just a cape is allowed." (Needs re-phrasing/explanation) "They have (had) to leave a bit early because...", "That is he (the) part that scares them the most, even thought hey (they) do know that the chain is off of it, but still." (Needs rephrasing), "scared them the (sic) they were finally out of the chainsaw area."

Story issues: Is the opening a newspaper article or a news report? "BREAKING NEWS: Haunted House Murders Survivor Missing! If found please report to local police immediately!" (A newspaper wouldn't say "Breaking News", but it is too succinct for a news report.) There is a lack of description in the haunted house. (You mention three separate times people/dummies popping out, but give no description which weakens the story.) Blair's response is laughably ridiculous. Her nondescript (not named) friends are murdered and her reaction is to murder her parents? Why exactly? Additionally sawing someone's head off would take time and it seems off that neither would resist and would just lay there. (You mention they screamed: "They screamed in horror and pain, then were silent." but didn't struggle.)

Finally opening and closing with a news report is cliched (and the second report has the same issues the first report had.) "BREAKING NEWS :(Space not needed) Survivor of multiple homicides still missing! Blair Parkers, age 17, still not yet found, last seen in a magician’s costume, holding a bloody saw. If found, please report to your local police station with the details." This story really seems to be a vehicle for your creepy pasta character and the friends' deaths seem contrived and not fleshed out. (Chainsaw killer in a haunted house is never mentioned after he murders them.)