Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28317404-20160427051611/@comment-28317404-20160427054637

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I'm sorry but this is going to need a lot of work. Besides the run on sentences ("Every single day he tries to comunicate with you, using your subconcious, calling you, asking for freedom, he needs a way to feel this world, this strange world with laws and patterns he cannot understand, a fascination."), grammatical (it's=it is, its=possession "Satan? Its not worth"), wording ("This may be a (an) extremely (sic) uncommon ocurrence (sic)", "The shakeing will eventually stop", etc.), punctuation ("he won't (won't) identify you", " dont (don't) react", etc.), and story issues.

There really isn't much behind this entity other than comparing him to other beings. ("Satan? Its (sic) not worth to compare Siniestro with such a pathetic fictional character, he is far beyond that.") There is little here to describe why the audience should be afraid of this character. Lines like this: " you may not be able to mentally process what you will see." don't help much either as you are being too vague and not really building up the creature.

Then there's the ending: "When they end a story they say "look behind you" and you smile, feeling the solid and cold wall at your back..." Referencing a cliche from the common cliche list and not really building off of it really makes for a weak ending, especially when you don't really describe what they're capable of and why the audience should be scared (especially since his goals seem to be: "He has felt this world before, and he wants to feel it again..") If there was more of an evil intent, maybe lines like this would work better.

Perhaps it would be best to take some time to fully flesh out this concept. I might even suggest finding an analogue website in your own language (perhaps the Spanish CPW judging on the character name.) to get more in-depth feedback on it first before trying it in English. As it currently stands, it is not up to quality standards. Posting it as it currently is (even if you correct the mechanical issues) will likely result in its deletion as there are a number of problems with the plot itself. thank you, this really help, i will try to polish and correct the mistakes..

Sadly, the spanish forums are dead, a reply will come 5 or 6 days later or even more, there is also not a Workshop area or something to give you feedback. The creepypasta thing is a bit dead in spanish comunity, they are mostly focused on the jeff the killer thing brought up by the youtubers, so sadly is very weak... :(