Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5170510-20200215031603/@comment-5306249-20200220233518

Firstly, I should recommend removing indentations when you upload to the wiki: posting it in Source without the indentations will solve any format problems.

Secondly. In terms of shaving down excess prose, I generally look for redundancies or syntax that won't be missed (ie: changing something like "One particular figure seems quite anxious, and that is the head of the scientists" to "The head of the scientists - Dr. blank - seems quite anxious"). Or ("All of us, --that is--, except for Fruger"). In this case it's just 2-3 words but you can find more later if you're careful. Syntax can allow you to get the same meaning across in shorter sentences.

Thirdly, I'm assuming you've read real German soldier accounts at some point for reference: do they all write eloquently, or do some abbreviate their thoughts into manageable entries? Perhaps they would during a particularly eventful day and write in short, jilted sentences. That's always a possibility.

Finally, progression can impact how strong the build up is. Are there certain entries that need to be told? Do they affect the overall course of the story? Can some be used as character-builiding and world building, while others are removed as padding?

Grammatically it the story appears to be pretty sound. I hope some of this helps.