Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20171230143744/@comment-32764586-20171230231608

Vngel W wrote: Hi Icydice,

I don't typically read a lot of journal-entry styled stories, but right-off-the-bat I can see you don't make the mistake of explaining irrelevant things: ex: the protagonist's appearance, things that don't push the plot along, etc. So kudos for that.

One thing to note: I hate mosquitos. I'm not afraid of them; I just think they are very annoying. I don't really have any complaints about the story: an epidemic arises as mosquitos suddenly take on a deadly approach -- flying in large pacts, killing anyone or anything caught outside.

I do like how there really isn't any real explanation to the cause of this action. There were a few small elements I think could enhance the story though.

One thing: It's not until nine/ten days when the protagonist starts to even think about food. I think a small mention of food/water should happen a little early on. They might not need it yet, but the thought should at least present itself on how that might become issue further down the road.

Another thing: I have camped in the woods, most notably, in an area with a lot of mosquitos. Obviously, there weren't swarm clouds as you portrayed, but there was a lot of the them nonetheless. Other than their bite, there was one thing I noted the most even when in my tent: their annoying buzz. Just hearing it makes me squirm/flinch as if they're in my ear. With the numbers in your story, there's sure to be a lot of high-pitch buzzing.

I think some mention of it would help sell their presence: maybe how it affects the protagonist's sleep or just the fact it's forever presence or even how it's getting louder. It can even be used to emphasize his paranoia of them getting-in his home because the sound can't be pin-pointed. Small tidbits like that really add to situation's tone.

Overall, I think the story is fine, but could use a little tightening up to really sell this outbreak. Hell, you can even add an instance where the news presents a clip of someone trying to combatant them but ultimately fails. Just another small idea that could enhance it but this doesn't need to be included.

Hope this helps.

There are a few areas that need correction. Please see the brackets:

+I know that seems random, but I'm not exaggerating when I say they came in [unnaturally] large groupings.

+It's odd that they're not [being] pests individually, but [it's] perhaps even odder than they're more out than usual today.

+The news continued on about these strange [occurrences], but they didn't reveal anything new.

+Even more followed [suit] soon after.

+I thought they were doing to make it, but then the mosquitos took [me] by [surprise].

+It wasn't until after then that I realized they weren't [disappearing].

+I then saw what they were.{*remove extra period} Four legs, tails, grey, dry, mummified skin.

+{*Remove space}Every group of people to walk out of their home so far has suffered the same fate. I hope I don't have to go out like that but, well, I might not have a choice in the next few days. I've ran out of food in my own [home], and the water systems seem to be on the decline. I'm not sure about how other parts of the country are doing, but no help has come to my [area]. I could starve or die of dehydration, but I still absolutely [dread] what's outside.

+{*Remove space} I'm hungry.

+I don't know how they can be capable of these things but I don't care [anymore].

+I have to make my decision quickly[,]however, because they're making their way down towards my house rather quickly. Perhaps I won't starve or die of thirst. Eventually[,]there will be no difference between the outside and inside once my window is shattered.

+The mosquitos are still heavy in numbers and still swarm with [*remove 'in']a fury.

Thanks for the review, I'll look into corrections tonight or tommorow! Glad to hear I did a better first draft of this genre than I thought I did.