Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27070566-20160825152626/@comment-28266772-20160827122608

Hey, and no worries! I didn't take it the wrong way or anything. And I can't offer a super in-depth review right now but I'll try to jot my thoughts down.

I liked the overall idea and the premise of following this person along a hallway only for them to turn around and look like a Junji Ito sketch. I liked the execution of some of the imagery, but a lot of the wording was a bit clunky/awkward. If you fix the mechanical errors I've outlined here I'd be happy to go into more specific detail to help you, but until then you might find that if you re-read it you'll find some yourself.

Some of the other ideas like walking past all these rooms only to find that, if you fail, there'll be one waiting for you is also cool. But I think it would have been more effective if you didn't reveal what was in the rooms (e.g. voices will enter your head) but instead just left it up to the reader's imagination. I wasn't fond of the idea of a beautiful woman waiting for you if you did it right, but the idea of her transforming is interesting but I didn't feel like you make the most of that possibility. Instead you just say "oh you go to hell" when there could have been some scary details of what she truly looks like.

I fet like some of the mood was conveyed well, but like I said some of the wording left it feeling clunky at times. Also the bit where you "will see every wrong doing since the dawn of time" feels... weird. Like I couldn't help but think "Damn wouldn't that take forever?", rather than just going along with it. Similarly I think the instructions at the start should be a bit more specific. Like, is every single administrative employee of a mental health clinic part of this conspiracy? It feels too vague to be realistic.

Other than that there was a lot to like about this ritual. I hope you've found my notes useful.