Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30771515-20170123074702/@comment-26525489-20170129224305

I like it! Not to be contrary, but I think it's kind of okay when they transition to their real names. When it becomes real for them, the reader becomes aware that the story is building. It wouldn't hurt to work out a natural way to learn who was behind every screen-name, but I don't think you have to. It can be deduced from what you've already given us.

Sometimes I get a real feel that it's an actual chat room for people that graduated from a high school. The dialogue feels real and the stories pulls me in. My recommendation is that you hash out the individual characters really well and then review what they've said. We get some of their backstory, but not as much individual voice or characterization. Do the Ivy League kids use better grammar? Is someone more prone to using slang? Is one of them the scaredy cat? Let me see it!

Once you do that, re-read the story and try to make all the dialogue seem real. The creepiness comes from the fact that it sounds like real talk. Would the characters actually remember the characters from a childhood commercial that vividly? Or do they give a more vague description and someone who recently saw them fills in a forgotten detail or two? In addition to the dialogue seeming real, make sure that all the characters are saying things people would really say. They are characters, not omniscient narrators, they need clear motivation for everything they say!

It's off to a great start! Keep working!