Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180813062343/@comment-25428589-20180813081951

Wow, this is incredibly crushing to read. You've really done a great job at deconstructing the path from normality to losing everything. The idea of viewing the influence of demons in this way is quite novel, and I enjoyed it. I wouldn't call this creepy per se, but it does really well at tapping into the ol' existential dread.

I have no real complaints when it comes to story, structure or pacing; the story seems well thought out. A couple of minor things: At the end, the reveal that the three killed were gang members feels somewhat forced, as just another way to make his predicament worse, without much precedent. Throughout the rest of the story, the demon has preyed on the character's pride & addictions, and the character's situation has all been a consequence of his own sins, but this just came out of the blue for me & broke immersion a bit. I can see why you'd go for this, as a bit more justification for the character's suicide & isolation, but I would think a triple killer would already be isolated from other prisoners, and would likely consider suicide without the need for a gang to come after him.

Another very minor thing which you may totally disagree with me on, the idea that these recruits would be instantly content with helping to destroy people. The implication seems to be that they haven't yet experienced hell, they're just happy to get on with the devil's work. I would like to think people would require slightly clearer motivation not to destroy their fellow man (e.g: being given an actual taste of hell) but I could be totally off mark here.

I only see a couple of grammatical/phrasing issues with the pasta. In the first paragraph, the reference to "eternal lava"/"eternity in lava" is repeated, which sounds a little odd to me. Could you change one of these instances to refer to some other form of heat/punishment? In the second, the phrase "Our job is to make human beings insane, in jail or dead" sounds odd to me, you don't make someone in jail. I would consider rephrasing this.

When we first switch over to look at Matt, the sentence "But I made sure he tasted the Wild Turkey 101 and relive that warm glow" seems incorrect - shouldn't it be relived? A couple of other things I noticed: "I am the one who kept Matt angry. I started out by barely twisting the chief of staff (chief of staff's) remarks. As he justified himself, I twisted it (them) more and more" "When I played them, his brain makes (made) him experience that pain again" "This made him even more anxious and depressed and suffered from nightmares (he began to suffer from nightmares) so he took additional drugs" "Matt's overinflated ego told him he is (was) in control. We help (helped) him to maintain that illusion"

Overall, it's a good story, and there's only really minor nitpicks I would consider changing. Nice job :)