Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26560003-20150702014946/@comment-25000365-20150702201052

"Peed herself."

This story has a lot of issues. First off, it's pretty cliche to wake up somewhere different from where you feel asleep. I personally don't know how else you would do it, but it shouldn't be done that way.

Secondly, there was a point where the protagonist says, "I normally do good in these situations." "Good" should be replaced with "well," but that's not the point. The point is that it seems that the protagonist has been in these situations where he wakes up away from his house plenty of times before. I also believe a house fire doesn't quite equate to the situation the protagonist is currently in. Kinda nitpicky, but it really irks me.

Here are some specific sentence problems you have:

''At the bottom of each picture there’s a note, each a short sentence. ("Each" is said too much. Also, the second part needs a "with" after "each.")''

''The hairs on my back stood up as I slowly turned around and what I saw next made me certain that was the last thing I’d ever do. (Needs a comma between "around" and "and.")''

''Who were those people? .I can’t get a grasp... (You have a rogue period.)''

You have general grammar mistakes in almost every sentence. You should check out the Style Guide for Writing for some tips.

You also switch between past tense and present tense with your verbs, which is something you should never, ever do except in certain situations like POV changes. For instance:

"I was in the sewer. Things are getting really fucking weird."

You used "was" in the first part but "are" in the second part.

As for the story, it wasn't great. You didn't really elaborate on the sewer or the people in the photos. The story felt cliche and rushed, in my opinion. The idea is pretty good, however. If you want to improve, here's what I would do: read bad stories and don't do what they do. That's how I do it.

P.S. "Peed herself" is not a scary sentence no matter what context you put it in.

P.P.S. Be sure you're in source mode when you upload stories anywhere to ensure the formatting is correct. You formatting was terrible.