Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25795965-20141202032840/@comment-25170312-20141202180513

Pretty well written, but a few things irked me. Why are the people at the church asian? I actually laughed because my brother-in-law's new chinese girlfriend's name is Vivian. It just doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story. At least specify a nationality. Or is there a reason? If so, maybe I just didn't catch it.

I also felt that the priest turned evil a little too quickly. It would have been creepier if there was a build up with some questionable dialogue that slowly turns more sinister. And the protagonist gradually becoming more terrified and desperate. Then maybe add a little bit more of the crackers-turning-to-flesh type stuff. I felt only one gorey thing was out of place, but two or three would work better. The splattering of the blood wasn't gorey enough to count. And maybe the priest could talk a little bit more about exits before he says the line about how they can also be entrances. Basically, more build up at the end. Just my suggestions.

Make sure you fix the formatting if you post it. Remove the bold and the space between the paragraphs. Use source mode if you need to.