Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26475800-20151210060738/@comment-26425680-20151212053959

Okay, sorry it took so long to get to this. You have some grammar/spelling issues, but since most of them have already been pointed out, I'm only going to focus on the story itself. My thoughts (in chronological order) are as follows:


 * You use the first three paragraphs to show us that Dave is overworked and unappreciated. I agree that it's important to show this, because that gives Dave motivation for playing the game, but I think you could cut down on this a bit and instead add something about his lonely home life, and perhaps touch on the fact that his son is dead, this will help tie the beginning of the story to the end of the story.


 * You use three paragraphs to introduce us to the ever-changing night cleaners. This doesn't really impact the story, so it would probably suffice to tell us that Jeff was a new cleaner that Dave didn't recognize, and leave it at that.


 * The introduction between Dave and Jeff happens way too fast, with Jeff proposing the game merely seconds after they meet. That doesn't feel natural. There should be some back and forth banter between the two, where Jeff slowly reveals that he can read Dave's mind. Once Dave is beginning to see what Jeff truly is, THAT'S when the game should be proposed. So basically, the components of their conversation are in the wrong order.


 * “Ahh, that is something that I get asked all the time, but the true answer is I don’t know. For some reason there is a rule that prevents..."
 * This may be a bit nit picky, but it seems that Jeff should have a better understanding of how the whole thing works. When he says "for some reason" it makes him seem less knowledgeable and less impressive. I understand he's not infallible, but I don't think he should be shown as such so early in the story. It's too casual a statement for him to make.


 * "Ah, you don’t trust that I won’t have you hurt anyone, it is a shame, because if you try to fuck me over before you choose dare, then your ass is grass...”
 * I get what he's saying, but I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand this passage. Have him speak with a little more clarity and explanation.


 * "Not only that, but it would prove that Jeff had hit a sore spot with his questions. It all worked to forward his motive of winning this game."
 * More explanation is needed. I'm not sure why Dave wants to prove that Jeff hit a sore spot.


 * Jeff gets angry too soon in the game. He shouldn't lose his composure when Dave refuses to elaborate on his answer. I suggest that he get annoyed, rather than furious, because a character who is supposedly thousands of years old shouldn't get shaken so easily.


 * "The screams could be heard on the street, but the demon who was harming him had ensured that no one would hear the man’s cries for help. Before the game had even started he cast a spell over the building, than one more over Dave’s cubicle where no sound would escape."
 * Again, this one is a bit of a nitpick, but your description of Jeff's quiet spell is too wordy; it breaks the flow of the story with too much explanation. Try restating it with half as many words.


 * It's not immediately clear that Jeff was beaten/tortured while his hands were pinned to the table. You do describe his injuries three paragraphs later...I suggest moving that paragraph up a bit. In fact, it should probably swap places with the paragraph immediately above it.


 * "Jeff thought that the dare was one of the weakest he had ever heard."
 * This is the point where Jeff should move from annoyance to obvious anger (even if he tries to hide his anger from Dave). It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't comprehend the threat that's posed by showing Dave the rules, as he himself should be intimately familiar with them. His anger should stem from the fact that for the first time, he's been caught bending the rules.


 * The last paragraph switches from past tense to present tense part way through. Technically it's not wrong, but it makes for awkward reading. Also, the description of his son's death is too quick, elaborating on it (just a tad) would be helpful, and would give it more meaning.

So there you have it. If I didn't mention something, that means I liked it. I think you'll have a winner once you clear up the plot, pacing, and grammar issues.