Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25170312-20160628193135/@comment-28266772-20160628203034

This is an awesome story! Really enjoyed reading it, and I wouldn't recommend any story changes. I think it's spot on as it is. There are some grammatical issues though, so I thought I'd list the ones i could find below.

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Semicolons: I noticed a lot of instances where you used semicolons to merge a dependent clause with an independent clause. I think most of the second clauses here can be fixed by just adding the appropriate subject. I’ve listed all the instances where a semicolon was used to join a dependent clause to an independent one below.

Cars were parked here and there, some without tires; didn't see any people around.

I was done fooling around; shoved them one by one to the ground.

I called for help but no one came; tried to stand up but there were too many kids on me.

When the screaming died down a little, I crept up the porch steps and peeked in; didn't see anyone inside.

I covered my mouth and tried not to scream or wretch; gagged a few times but didn't draw attention.

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There was one other mistake I noticed.

as we searched through the cluttered garage. A rancid odor would come and go, making me sicker each time. -> I think this is meant to be one sentence, but it’s split by the period and reads a little funny as a result.

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So overall this story was written to a very high standard, and was a great read. I enjoyed the descriptions, the use of language, and I thought it was pretty frightening. I particularly liked how it created an atmosphere of isolation.