Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25947144-20170211182210/@comment-24101790-20170211202707

"I knew it was impossible as the eyes were far from developing and it would be a long time before his eyes would open" Using eyes multiple times in the sentence does feel a bit redundant.

"Even though we were living in the era of the ever-accelerating technological progress for so much time, the artificial uterus took dangerously long to perfect." This is a bit clunky to read aloud. I would suggest revising it.

"The artificial uterus received massive support from men, as well as even some women, who wanted to be able to have children without having to use women for various reasons." has some issues as you are referencing women in that group as well.

"My presence to (at) his birth wasn't necessary, but a part of me really wanted to. (be there/present)"

"Day by day I stood by his side, observing his evolution." evolution really isn't the best word to use here as you are using other scientific terms so people might accidentally equate that to Darwinian evolution instead of the term you mean like development.

"A reminder of everything that not only I but hundreds of people worked for all these years."

"And a reminder of this me when I'll pass away." awkward wording.

"They are injecting the anesthetics to (in/into) me and wish (are wishing) me goodbye. I don't know why (they are bidding me farewell/are saying goodbye), we'll meet again soon."

Story issues: While I do like the concept, the scientific approach is going to result in me looking at the story from a scientific standpoint which creates its own issues. The last paragraph for example. "They are marking his head for the extraction and extirpation of his undeveloped brain. They are injecting the anesthetics to me and wish me goodbye. I don't know why, we'll meet again soon." has left me wondering how exactly they're going to fit a man's brain into a child's cranium (as brainpans do need to expand after parturition to accommodate the growth that will occur in the grey matter during development)? How exactly are they going to join it to the spinal cord without risking paralysis? How exactly are the muscular/vocal processes going to be changed by this?

Story issues: "The ultimate limitation was time, something I didn't have much of. As he was blooming, I was degrading. I watched the lanugo grow and fall around the same time pattern baldness took my hair." I might delve into the protagonist's condition/disease more as lines like: "His limbs, muscles and skeleton grew as my body become (sic) weaker and weaker." don't really convey the race against time.

Final: I understand the man is hoping to implant himself into the test-tube child at the end of the story, but I feel like the story would benefit from having more horror/inhumanity injected into it as the first portion is mainly setting up the background and the twist/conclusion feels a bit lacking here. I think that revising this story more and fleshing it out (or maybe going beyond the transferal scene) to create more horror would really benefit the story here.