Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20170101222022/@comment-27905100-20170102044629

I review as I read, so if you want a more genuine review of the story along with my grammar/flow//minor story errors it might be a good idea to get a second opinion.

At first I thought it was a prank...(Use ellipses very sparingly. In dialogue you can get away with some more, but too many still detracts from the story) but now that.....(ellipses are three periods only) thing.....(same issue here) scares me. I bet that one would be frightened to wonder what inhuman thoughts that creature thinks(odd choice of imagery). I first encountered it one night while walking home from a party the night before me and my sister went to camp(this detail seems useless). When I was just a few blocks from my house, I heard footsteps coming from behind me, I turned around to see.... nothing but the quiet street and sidewalk reflecting the moonlight(this description is kind of bland. It would do you some good to spice it up a bit. Use some adventurous words, adjectives, anything.). I shrugged it off as my imagination playing tricks on me. The next block, I again heard the footsteps from behind me.(Comma, not period) Only this time, I heard whistling too. I turned around and saw either a man or young adult in the shadows. "What do you want?", I shouted at him in anger, but all he did, was laugh.(bland description) You bet I went from annoyed to creeped out instantly. I decided to ignore him and just get home, luckily I did without hearing any footsteps or whistling. That is, until I got home and into bed. I woke up at two o'clock in the morning to the sound of the same whistling, I got up and opened the blinds, I then looked around the front yard and saw the man standing next-to the tree my sister and I'd climb on. I ran to my mom and dad's room and told them about the man, my dad went outside and soon came back telling me that there was no one out there,(this should be a period) I didn't get a minute of sleep that night. The next day my sister, my parents and I went to drop my sister and I off at the camp,(period) when we got to the camp we said goodbye and our parents went on their way. Of course before they left, we all were introduced to the head counselor,(period) his name was James. That night we gathered around the campfire and James told a story about a humanoid creature seen literally all over the world living in the shadows.

I remember him saying, "Nobody know what it is or where it came from, but it was first seen in these very woods.... feasting on people. The only time it appears is when you hear it's(it's - contraction of 'it is'. Its - possessive ('his/hers' for non-human things) whistling",(period) James then started whistling what he said was what people heard when encountering the man-eating beast(this sentence is confusing and awkwardly worded).

It sounded exactly like the song I heard the night I saw that man. When I flashed back to that night, I was terrified!(something about this sentence bothers me. Maybe it's the exclamation point.) When we all were in our cabins, we all went to sleep,(period) (Side note: I feel like this ssentence would be better for the paragraph break than the one you chose earlier)moments later I woke up to the sound of the whistling. I don't know what possessed me, but I grabbed my flashlight and walked outside the cabin. I walked with only my flashlight(rendundant) lighting the way to the where the sound was coming from,(period) I walked up to the camp entrance and saw the thing standing right there! I shined my flashlight at him to see what will always haunt my dreams and memories. I remember a humanoid.... thing....(three periods) with black eyes, gray skin, and long legs and arms. That's all I could remember before it gave out an ear piercing scream, turned around, and ran away. I ran back to my cabin to see that everyone was awake, they said that they heard a strange scream and woke up, but when they did I was gone. I didn't know if they would believe me if I told them what really happened so I said that I was sleepwalking and heard no scream. I just got home and started typing this. I have absolutely no idea what that thing was, but I think I don't want to know. I don't want to know what goes bump in the night.

Okay, that's done. Now for the other issues.

Story issues: Your story's plot suffers from being somewhat cliched, and not very original. Now, that's not to say it can't be, just that it isn't. If you want to use this, put some sort of wist on it like... anything, really to set your story apart.

Other misc. issues: Your descriptions are extremely bland and just not interesting at all. Which of the following two descriptions do you prefer:

A: The decaying corpses of those who were once living slowly shuffled around the overrun city, their jaws trembling violently with each moan that escaped their lips.

or B: The zombies moaned, shuffling slowly around the city as they did so.

A creates the better image, right? I'm sorry to say that your story consists solely of B-type descriptions. Rememer back in grade school with the show-ie don't tell-ie writing classes? Right now you are showing. You can fix this, but I'm afraid a rewrite is necessary to do so.

Your grammar and flow structure do need some work as well, but that's a minor issue that can be fixed easily.

Anyway, that's it. Good luck with your story, It could be great if you put the time in. Sorry if this was too harsh, please don't take it personally.

Good luck.