Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24991749-20140625165153/@comment-24991749-20140626080929

Xindo88 wrote: 1: Put more spaces inbetween words and punctuation; if a list was made like this for example: Alexander,bob,daniel,david, it naturally looks better like this: Alexander, Bob, Daniel, David. See what I mean?

2: It looked like one sentence each paragraph, because instead of putting full stops where they should be, it was just a rush of commas.

That was the two major grammatical mistakes throughout your story, but just a few fix ups here and there it'd have potential to be a really good story.

Talking about that, the story itself had it's highs and lows. When it was approaching the end the tension was really building up, but it just flopped when it actually came to be the end. I see you tried to put alot of tension, calm it down, then leave it on a shocking cliffhanger to bring the chills up you spine again, but it just didn't do it for me.

It does have great potential however, it is a unique and great plot but a few but tiny cliches were hidden in there. You probably didn't intend these cliches, but I've just seen them ones so many times but other parts in the story you did well not to bore the reader.

Overall, a good story but if you just revamp it a bit it'll be fantastic. So that was all I've did wrong? Wow, thanks man! Also, the ending came to a conclusion, it may be a bit childy, but the conclusion was : Never hide the truth.

Also, I know what the cliches were : That part with no pupils eyes... Yeah, it was intented because I was about to put a picture.