Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140901015431/@comment-24996913-20140901060614

Banningk1979 wrote: Okay, just read it, now let's get on down to the review.

What went right:

-Honestly, a lot. This was a good, strong story that not only packed the mystery and fear element that we have all come to love in our pastas, but it also had an element of morality and ethics, which is somewhat more rare in a lot of stories. This was a mind bender on a few levels, and for that, I thank you.

-Realism factor is fairly high at the start of this. You tapped into two very real elements that we as people have had to deal with, and many continue to deal with. Being bullied is a real thing that we all have gone through. When I was a kid, I had some nasty run-ins with bullies, and at the same time, when I was on the not the target, I found it also all too easy to just ignore what was happening, being happy that I wasn't the target this time. I think that is something that all of us can relate to as readers, and you did an excellent job of bringing those feelings out.

-Your writing tempo was perfect. This story was just about the right length and moved on fast enough to keep me locked in the entire time.

Okay, what parts needed to be sent to detention:

-I found that the classroom scene, with the protagonist thinking over her actions, was a little overdone. While I am not saying that teenagers aren't capable of remorse, I feel that you played too heavily on her guilt. Most kids, while they may feel some guilt, would probably not dwell on remaining neutral for an entire classroom. You certainly wrote her to be deep and thoughtful, but at the same time, I think you gave her a bit too much of an adult reaction when you were writing a teenage character.

-The ending. I didn't feel like the ending calibrated well with the plot. The blind girl's punishment that she placed on the protagonist seemed to be far too extreme. Blinding the girl just for not stopping her bully friend from slapping a kid seemed way over the top. Plus, if the blind girl is some sort of supernatural being that hands out justice, wouldn't the entire high school be blinded or injured in some way. High schools are pits of cruelty for a lot of people after all.

-Grammar. Grammatical errors were few and far between. I did notice a few sentences that started with the word 'but,' but other than that, your grammar was excellent.

Overall, I think this a great story that could be published as is. Consider my suggestions if you'd like, but honestly, those are more opinion based than technical based, so really, it's good to go as it is.

A very enjoyable read from start to finish. Excellent work.

Thanks a lot for the feedback :). I definitely see where you're coming from with the classroom scene and the ending. I was thinking about tweaking it a bit beforehand, but I wanted to see some opinions before I made any rash decisions. Again, thank you for your opinion; it is greatly appreciated.