Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32200119-20170604152908/@comment-24101790-20170604154801

There were quite a lot of issues here. So much so that I determined your story was not up to quality standards for this site. There were spelling ("How do except to be successful if you don't listen"), capitalization (Dialogue tags left improperly capitalized ""Father would never do this to me!" She (she) shouted"), awkward wording ("His blind eye twitched and his hands were balled into fists, he grinned his horrible grin then threw back his head and laughed his horrible laugh."), punctuation (Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "Through her tears, Charlotte eyed the needle on the ground, that must have fallen from her mother(apostrophe missing)s hand" Punctuation used incorrectly in dialogue. "We are going to have to make some adjustments, and by we I mean you." He (he) told her."), grammatical ("Charlotte watched as the ladybug unfolded it's (its) wings and flew off into the sky."), tense shifting from past tense to present tense ("When she's done, she smiles at her work."), formatting (indenting on the wiki makes white boxes which render paragraphs unreadable), as well as a lot of other mechanical issues.

The plot is also pretty problematic. It really follows the basic OC/CPC formula: the protagonist (likely a teenager) is abused/bullied, the abuse eventually makes them snap (the triggering factor typically involves a disfiguring scar), and they begin randomly murdering people. Unfortunately we get a lot of stories telling a very similar premise multiple times a week. Feel free to read this guide on OC/CPC characters for more information.

Additionally looking at the characters, it feels like you set up a lot of cartoonishly evil characters to drive the plot forward. There's the alcoholic and abusive mother and the sadistic puppet master who really lack any other characteristics other than the two traits I mentioned earlier. It makes for a relatively un-involving story when the audience knows how the story is progressing and knows all the beats to the plot (bullied protagonists, stitched up face, murders people). On another note: it feels really random that the protagonist would snap and just start murdering everyone and anyone she could (especially when the precipitating reason for the murder is revenge for the death of her friend Alyona).

There are other plot and mechanical issues here, but the largest problem here is the story's formulaic plot. We end up seeing a lot of stories with abused protagonist snapping and murdering people (sometimes with burned faces, scars, or stitched faces) to the point that it's made its way onto our overused trope page. This ends up feeling like a vehicle for introducing your original character as an origin story and there's not much beyond it.