Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36162297-20180712172448/@comment-36162297-20180713170524

DrBobSmith wrote: You need to do a LOT of work on just the basic use of English. This is just a partial cleanup, correcting maybe a third of your issues.

You can't cook creepypasta without the basics of cooking the pasta. If the spelling, grammar and punctuation are not correct then it is just a bowl of overcooked slime. Remember we are cooking pasta with a fine sauce that is spiced with creepiness and horror. This takes TIME. We aren't serving instant mashed potatoes.

"You hear anything from the boss yet?"

"No just that..... Shhhh! I think they're waking!"

My head was pounding. What the hell happened last night? I was out drinking with friends..... Did I get drunk?

My thoughts were spinning, and my eyes barely adjusted to a blinding light being shone in my face. "Ugh... What-"

Someone slapped me hard with some sort of object. "Shut up and sit still!" A man said. My eyes finally came to. I was in a room with two masked people. A man and a woman.

Both wore trenchcoats and masks. The trenchcoats were a sleek black leather, and each mask was different. The man was black and white, split in half down the middle. The eyes on the mask were bright green.

On the other hand, the woman's mask resembled the statue of liberty. With a sewn mouth and eyes that burned red. The man pulled out a syringe.

Injecting it slowly into me, he put a hand on my shoulder. I knew without him saying a word they were injecting me with some sort of sedative.

I felt at ease, despite it being against my will. I could hear the woman talking, but the drug was numbing my senses. Something about spilling the truth? I could see her movements growing agitated.

"I really do think you have the wrong person," I said groggily.

As my senses slowly started kicking in again, I could tell the two were arguing, "You made the truth serum too strong!" The man yelled. And that's when I recognized the voice. "Ray?" I asked. He looked over then quickly turned away.

"This must be the woman you kept talking so fondly of at work," I said, trying to free myself as I talked. Ray pulled out a knife and approached me.

"The boss said not to do that!" The woman said suddenly. "The boss ALSO SAID to kill him if he found out ANYTHING. He's AWAKE! Which means he knows our voices"

The man stabbed the knife into my shoulder. I screamed in pain. The woman quickly pulled the knife out. "Tell us where you put the money!"

"I don't know what the hell you are talking about!" I said, fighting the pain. She jammed the knife into my other shoulder. "TELL US!"

"You have the wrong guy! Please just let me go before something terrible happens." The man leaned down and twisted the knife that was lodged in my shoulder blade. "You have one thing right..."

He removed the knife and started to make a slice in my kneecap. The woman screamed as a black tar came out of the injury. "What the hell?" The man was confused, and even more so when his partner screamed AGAIN.

"Somethings happening! My leg burns!" She cried as the black tar evapoprated into a thick cloud that enveloped her lower body. As she clutched her leg, the remaining fluid on my leg hardened into a scar on my kneecap over the wound the knife had made.

When the black fog cleared the woman screamed again.

"My kneecap! It's..... It's gushing blood!" She said. I laughed as my look of terror suddenly shifted to a look of confident triumph. "I warned you both. You have the wrong hostage." While i appreciate the help with cleaning up the story, i did not notice many changes. I compared my revisions to what you say you cleaned, and theres not much of a difference. If you were to point out exactly what parts of basic english were incorrect i could better myself, but with my primary language being english I honestly cant see any extreme errors. Perhaps use Italics or Bold to show me?