Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30508454-20161115152406/@comment-28266772-20161125143934

I like the rain. Every drop and patter of the calming natural wonder is beautiful to me. Since I was little I’ve always loved playing outside in it no matter how hard the rain [repetition] was coming down. I wouldn’t come inside until after I was completely soaked and then still wished I could play longer. After what happened, I don’t think I’ll ever view rain the same way again. It was the beginning of August, a Saturday, I’m 27 so Saturdays are sort of a planning day for whatever wild ideas I might have for the evening. I called up my friends and we decided to meet up at the usual place [might be good to mention where this is].

Nightfall came fast and with it an unexpected shower; not ideal weather for a night out. But being the friends that they are my posse decided to come over for dinner and a movie; awesome. The rain came down continuously as we watched and it felt peaceful to me. Every now and then my friend Casey would make stupid comments about the movie and that helped me to stay focused on the film since of course my mind began to wander [the last part of this sentence feels a bit meandering]. Soon the movie was over and my friends decided to brave the rain to make it home. We said our goodbyes and they left. Not more than 20 minutes later I heard a knock at the door; strange but I figured one of my friends forgot something. They knocked again after a moment. '[the order of events doesn’t feel so clear by here, or rather it’s not presented very well. Something like “As I walked to the door they knocked again”]'

“Forgot to take a piss Jared?’’ I chuckled as I opened the door, but, strangely [but strangely,] no one was there. My friend’s car had left; it was still raining but nothing major. Okay maybe I’m hearing things I thought. It was late and I was getting tired. I closed and locked the door and started to prepare for bed. I heard it again and instead of opening the door I looked through the peep hole to see who it might be; maybe some kids playing a game of ding dong ditch. When I peered outside I was met with the soft brown eyes of a girl who appeared to be my age. I stayed silent for another second then responded.

“Yes? May I help you?” The girl stared for a moment before answering. [comma]

My name is Tina….Can I come in [forgot your quotation marks here]

I replied,

“Well it’s kind of late for house guests but if you need help I can call the police.”

She didn’t respond, she just creepily stared then she slowly turned keeping her eyes on the door until the last moment before walking away. Weird, I figured she must have been high or drunk or a combination of both. I shrugged and went to bed, no harm done and the rain lulled me to sleep quickly.

At about 3 AM I heard a strange sound outside my bedroom window. It sounded like the noise you would hear if someone was choking. I sat up and looked around the dark room before going over to the window and looking [looking; repetition] outside. To my shock I saw the same girl from earlier standing there looking up at me. Her eyes [were] wide and the sound coming from her open mouth was horrifying. In fear I stumbled back and shrieked in horror [In fear; redundant], the horrible choking and gurgling filled my ears. I covered them as I laid on the floor trying to block it out. It seemed like it lasted for hours with no end in sight; what the hell did she want? As fast as it started it stopped [this feels contradictory given the last sentence] along with the rain which kept falling the whole time she was there [clumsy wording]. I built up the courage to look out the window and sighed in relief to see she was gone. I must be going insane I thought.  I’ve heard of people having strange hallucinations when they were tired but this was too vivid and real to be all in my head. If it wasn’t a strange vision, then who was Tina and why was she stalking me. [question mark?]  It took a while for me to sleep that night, I couldn’t get those horrific sounds out of my head; I don’t think I actually closed my eyes until about 4 in the morning.

Sundays were work days for me and I went about my day as usual but couldn’t help to think [thinking] back to what occurred the night before. All I could think of was Tina’s gaping mouth [I’m so immature but this made me giggle] and stretched eyes seeming desperate to gain entrance into my home, or, my soul [the soul thing feels cheesy, and the ‘entrance into my home’ thing feels unjustified given that the narrator opened the door and she just walked away]. After my shift I went home just beating the rain shower. I decided to take a warm bath to calm my nerves and set up some scented candles in the bathroom. As the rain came down I settled into the bath and let my mind drift. Thirty minutes went by and I heard knocking again at my door. I sat up and started to tremble; I wasn’t expecting anyone. There was another knock but this time it was more furious '[when you use the qualifier ‘more’ it should be accompanied by a comparison or otherwise the sentence feels incomplete. In other words the audience is inclined to ask, “more furious than what?”]'. I didn’t say a word and soon there was loud howling on the other side of the door as the knocking turned into pounding. This was too much, I shouted at the top of my lungs.

What the hell do you want?! [Need dem quotation marks]

In a loud growl-like voice came my response.

Let…Me…In!

I replied again

Go Away Tina! [capitalisation; don’t capitalise every word in a sentence like this (and the ‘let me in’ line)]

I thought by saying her name it would be more persuasive but it did nothing. [this feels like a weird thing to state out right] The loud claps of thunder only added to the terrifying noise which hammered my ears [comma] threatening to drive me over the edge of sanity. Then suddenly it stopped. This was not just bad wine or fatigue, this…thing was legitimately after me. I noticed that once again the rain had stopped as well. I got out of the bath and put on my robe before going downstairs to look at my door. It was normal but what just happened wasn’t. I figured the rain draws [drew] her out but what she wanted with me I didn’t know. Why she singled out this house, I can’t [couldn’t] tell you.

<p class="MsoNormal">I needed answers desperately. I pulled out my laptop and researched my town looking for any news on my house or the land it was sitting on. What I found was heart wrenching. Apparently, there was another house built at this address a few years prior to my own house. That house was destroyed in a fire killing all occupants inside including a 28 year old girl named Tina Blake. The details were sketchy but according to what I read, the fire had been started by accident and swept through the house while the family slept. This was too vague for my taste so I contacted my real estate agent to find out if anyone else had lived in my house before I moved in. She told me only one person had lived there before me but moved out after about a month. After some coaxing I convinced my agent to give me the person’s name telling her only that I had found some pictures and books that didn’t belong to me in the attic and I wanted to return them. I had a name, a Miss Sasha Brown, and an address; I had to find her and find out more.

<p class="MsoNormal">I took time out from work and went to find this woman; I didn’t expect much but she was my only lead and I was hoping she had found out what really went on in that house. I arrived pretty quickly to her house [awkward wording] and went up and knocked on the door. After two knocks she came to greet me with a smile.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes? What can I do for you?”

<p class="MsoNormal">I replied feeling a little awkward.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hi, my name is Amber and I live at 26 Bloomberg Avenue…”

<p class="MsoNormal">Before I could finish my request I looked at her face and noticed she had gone pale white [pale/white are redundant; just pick one] with fear; I didn’t have to say much more after that. [except for that the narrator immediately starts speaking]

<p class="MsoNormal">“….Please…Can [don’t overuse ellipses like this] you tell me what happened? I think you know more than what the papers are saying.”

<p class="MsoNormal">She nodded and gestured for me to follow her inside and into her living room. It was clear she lived alone; there weren’t any pictures of a husband or even children around her house. She wasted no time in letting me in on the information.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I guess you’ve seen her too; she likes the rain; she lives in it” [it.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">“What do you mean? What does she want?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“A life for the life that was stolen from her” [her.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">I looked at Sasha like she was crazy and she continued.

<p class="MsoNormal">“The police said the fire was started by accident with an accelerant '[an accelerant means that the fire was caused by gasoline or petrol so saying it was ‘an accident’ feels weird even if it wasn’t true. It’s like a police report saying someone had a self-inflicted gunshot wound to their back.]'; that’s partially correct. Tina started that fire by conjuring something that she couldn’t control. That night it was raining and she took things a step further [further than what?] and used a Ouija [Ouija boards are a weak cliché; not to mention they were invented by Hasbro] board to contact the spirit hoping it would tell her who or what it was. She made a mistake and began talking to something that was vicious and evil. It killed her that night and everyone she loved.”

<p class="MsoNormal">I was left speechless for a moment.

<p class="MsoNormal">“..How..Where did you find out about this?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Sasha goes [went]over to her desk near the kitchen and opens [opened] a drawer pulling out a journal that was badly burned and handed it to me.

<p class="MsoNormal">“This was hers, her last entry says it all. Whatever she called up had been stalking her for a while.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Where did you get this?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I found it in the backyard as I was trying to do some gardening. It was like I was meant to find it.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Thank you for this…”

<p class="MsoNormal">She cuts [cut] me off again.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Don’t dig too deep. This isn’t for you to rectify. If I were you I would get out now.”

<p class="MsoNormal">I thanked her again but wasn’t sure if I could heed her warning about moving out. I had nowhere else to go. I returned home with Tina’s diary and dove into the last few entries wondering what she was thinking about when she started this. She was a lonely girl from what I saw and like me she loved to take long walks in the rain and spent most of her time reading books and writing stories. It was no wonder she discovered a way to amuse herself that was unconventional and dangerous. She performed a ritual that worked too well and was starting to experience things in the house; furniture moving and so on. The diary ended just before she contacted the spirit that she had summoned earlier. She was afraid; it was almost as if she knew she would meet her death at the hand of this spirit; to be honest, I don’t think the entity left her even in death. [isn’t good to string this many clauses together with semicolons]

<p class="MsoNormal">As I read I heard the soft rumble of thunder in the distance; a storm was coming and according to the news it was going to last all night. If I had to endure one more night [repetition] of this torment I knew I would be in the psych ward by morning so I researched quickly how to ward off spirits. I saw that salt was a good way to chase them off so I put a layer around the front and back doors and also the windows. The thunder rumbled louder as I went around the house making sure every door and window was locked before I sat on my couch and waited for the rain.

<p class="MsoNormal">The storm was harsh and battered the house like a boat out in the middle of the sea. I listened and clutched my sofa pillows as I waited to find out if my nightly visitor would come for me.

<p class="MsoNormal">Bang! Bang! Bang! [italicise this]

<p class="MsoNormal">Three hard knocks made me jump out of the seat and look toward the door. I knew who it was but I was afraid to say anything. Then in a flash the same knocking came from the back door.

<p class="MsoNormal">Bang! Bang! Bang!

<p class="MsoNormal">I still didn’t answer. Tina started to howl and wail as she tried to break down the door and that prompted me to speak.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Tina, I’m sorry for what happened to you but you can’t come in and you can’t stay here. You need to move on, you’ll be happier.”

<p class="MsoNormal">There was a pause, then, malicious laughter from the back door as if what I said was a joke.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Tina…is…dead…You…are…dead!” [ellipses overkill]

<p class="MsoNormal">The voice was deeper and louder than the second time she appeared to me. She just kept pounding and pounding as thunder exploded in the air. With a bright flash of lightening [lightning] I could see briefly out of the back kitchen window a figure looking in at me. The figure was obviously female but her face had drastically changed. Her once brown eyes were now black holes with moist leather-like skin and a smile that stretched all the way across her face. I was frozen in place as with every flash of lightening [lightning] I could see this thing move to a new window in the back then front then return to the back door and starts [start] pounding again until to my disbelief the door came open a little, not enough to let her through but just enough that I could make out her deformed face staring at me and cackling horribly.

<p class="MsoNormal">That was all the incentive I needed to grab my keys and get the hell out of there. I didn’t have any other place to live but I knew where I could go in an emergency. I got in my car and drove to my friend Jared’s house hoping he was home. I pulled up and pounded on the door trying to overpower the noise of the storm. I happened to glance over my shoulder at a passing car when down the street just two houses away a figure was moving slowly up the sidewalk; the figure of a woman. I panicked and continued to pound on Jared’s door desperate to get in; a flash of lightening revealed my worst fear. Tina was coming up the street after me still carrying that unnatural grin and twitching her head with every step.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Jared please! Wake up! Wake up!''

<p class="MsoNormal">Tina was so close now that I could hear her laughter and soon I knew she would be right behind me.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Jared! Wake up please!''

<p class="MsoNormal">I dared to look behind me for a brief moment and to my horror Tina’s leathery face was inches from mine. I screamed just as my friend opened the door and I rushed inside.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Shut the door! Shut the door! '' [all of this stuff is speech so it should be in quotation marks] 

<p class="MsoNormal">“Amber, what’s going on? Are you drunk?”

<p class="MsoNormal">I caught my breath and looked at him; there’s no way he would believe me so I decided to make something up.

<p class="MsoNormal">There was someone stalking me. He’s been at my house trying to peep at me.

<p class="MsoNormal">“You should call the police. At least you’ll feel better”

<p class="MsoNormal">No, I just need a place to crash for the night. Would you mind if I stayed here?

<p class="MsoNormal">“Sure, no problem, do you need anything?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Just sleep [quotation marks!]

<p class="MsoNormal">Slowly I began to feel better. Jared was a clown but I could always count on him to cheer me up when things got rough. He let me sleep in the guest room which I always liked and I spent most of the night looking up at the ceiling. The rain had begun to subside and I finally felt at peace after the nightmarish evening I had. I turned to my side and started to drift off to sleep. For some reason a little later on I woke up and glanced around the room. I noticed someone was in bed with me and smiled thinking Jared was just keeping me company. [this is not a believable plot point]

<p class="MsoNormal">Thanks for letting me stay. I know this was weird but that guy was freaking me out…

<p class="MsoNormal">Before I could say anything else I heard a soft laugh coming from Jared or who I thought was Jared. [read this again and you’ll see it doesn’t make sense] As the covers slipped down I could see long wet brown hair and a cheek that looked like leather. I fell out of bed and slid back toward the window as Tina stood up on the bed; her head twitched as she reached out for me. I screamed loudly then found myself sitting up in bed and Jared rushing in holding me; it was a dream. After that my decision was clear, I needed to move out for my own peace of mind. I contacted my agent and looked for another place closer to work and far away from that neighborhood. After about a month of staying with Jared I moved into my new house. It was a fresh start, no ghosts, no drama and no more nightmares. I’ve been in the house a month now and I can safely say Tina seems to have gotten the hint and left me alone. As I write this I can hear the rain hitting the window, a light, soft shower. Maybe I’ll go outside and take a walk.