Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37873341-20190808210100/@comment-36627132-20190809093654

First off, the first paragraph of the story is bolded. I assume you did this to differentiate it from the note (the paragraph above), but I suggest unbolding it and putting the note in parentheses.

As SigmetAlpha pointed out, the second person perspective (which is hard to pull off to begin with, at least in my opinion) doesn't work here.

"but your not paying attention" should be "but you're not paying attention". Remember your = possessive, you're = you are. This problem reoccurs at "Your now 17"

"You then hear someone open the door from upstairs as its your uncle" no offense, but this really isn't worded to well. Also that should be "it's your uncle". Its = possessive, it's = it is.

This story raises a lot of questions: The main character is four when this happens (given by the math "Your now 17 and the event happened 13 years ago") so why are they still in a crib? And how did they escape it? And what makes them cry?

The "but" at the beginning of the final sentence should be capitalized.

"you slowly began to realize that your aunts house doesn’t have a basement nor does she have a husband." There is so many problems with this. First off, it feels like a forced wham line. Second, I can see why Dr. Bob and SigmetAlpha find it confusing, in fact I find it slightly confusing. Was the whole thing supposed to be a "Wait a minute then who/what/why...?" kind of thing? It feels like it was inspired by Candle Cove's wham line.