Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25679985-20141113225701/@comment-25226524-20141114005417

Well it's an interesting and creative concept. Some of the dialogue felt a little unnatural, but most of it was ok. There are numerous grammar/technical mistakes, and some words that don't fit, which I'm guessing is the result of autocorrect (one towards the end is "encrustations" instead of "excruciating"). You need to proofread this a few more times to catch all the punctuation, capitalization, and wording mistakes. I would point out all the individual things, but it would take me way to long to explain them all. Take a look at some other stories and compare the punctuation to what you have, and you will be able to spot what's wrong.

The flow and tension were fairly well done, but the overall description of everything needs some work. The way you described certain things didn't really put an image in my head, and some of it was a little confusing (especially with the way he looked after the experiment). I would advise reading this out-loud a time or two so you can see which things don't sound quite right. Throw in a few similes and metaphors here and there instead of explaining everything matter-of-factly (don't go overboard though).

All in all this wasn't a bad story, but the concept is the best part about it. You do need to rework this story significantly, because I doubt it would meet the quality standards as it is (but it's very close), due to all the grammar/technical mistakes. You seem to have a pretty good grasp on what a story should look like, you just need to comb over this a few more times to clean everything up. I definitely see some potential in there, and I hope you keep at it. Good luck.