Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28607815-20160604093132/@comment-26007602-20160606215706

I don't really think this works as a stand alone story. The rhyming scheme gets repetitive quickly (as some of the ABAB or AAAA is rather forced), but I think it has a nice flow to it overall. Your formatting is a bit screwed up, but other than that, it looks grammatically alright.

As for why it doesn't work as a story, I'd mostly say because the premise has been done so many times. Crazed lover murders himself and/or his lover. You'd need to do something to make unique, as it really isn't too creepy overall either. Don't get me wrong, a stalker lover can be creepy, but it's difficult to find him creepy when we don't know anything about him or the person he's stalking. That's where the poetry hurts this; there aren't any characters to emphasize with or relate to. If you incorporated this poem into an actual story where the protagonist keeps finding these notes, I think it would work a lot better.