Talk:Tobit: The Bleeding Sky/@comment-27007772-20150204032833

Review of Tobit: The Bleeding Sky, done in Section by section format, instead of Paragraph by paragraph.


 * Part one: Clair Nobles

Just a little typo I'd like to say here. " She so loved history that she went on to get her PhD in the same subject" could be phrased as "She loved history so much she went on to get her PhD in the same subject". Not really a typo, just a phrasing issue. I've never really heard the phrase "Second chair" to describe something of lesser importance, but it doesn't really matter.

An interesting set up. I sets Clair Nobles up as a super-determined, smart, stubborn character very well if that's the character you wanted.


 * Part two: The Journal

After reading this entire section, I'm surprisingly interested. It includes some down-to-Earth analyzing on how religious and conspiracy following groups would react to such a discovery, and Clair's speech on other famous Scientists/Explorers is actually quite impressive for a Creepypasta.

A very, very good writing performance here. I just hope the rest holds up to this level, and we will be all proud.


 * Part three: The Think Tank

"A team of specialist was in" should definitely be "A team of specialists".

I really like the progression here. 3 different people, with different scientific views, slightly getting more aggressive and angry with eachother by the day. I'm shocked a high end facility would send a Christian to the Think Tank, but I am really liking the dialog.

You actually touched on the book not being dust, which was the main idea bothering me, so good job on that one.


 * Part four: The Trisetta Stone

I really enjoy the mystery-movie like structure of the story, and the character development continues to increase. I do, though, not see why the "Trisetta Stone" would be made so much later, in a separate location. I also do not understand why Clair would not trace the call to learn who is trying to talk her out of the discovery.

The attachment of all the characters in the last half of this chapter is really nice, and the fact they like eachother more gets me, as a reader, more attached as well.

"The conference was schedule to happen in 3 days." You forgot the D there, buddy. The respect they are giving Clair here is a nice touch, though.


 * Part five: The Visitor

The intro three paragraphs of this chapter are ripe with typing errors.

I am in love with the suspense, but oh lord, don't let this become an stereotypical over the top edgy Satanism story.

The characters all acted and responded perfectly here, and that is a good sign as a writer.


 * Part six: The Conference

The Conference could have been merged with Epor and the Primes do to it's small size, but it does indeed do a good affect in terms of setting up the story. It seems your best sweet spot is character dialog, were you practically flourish is details.


 * Part seven: Epor and the Primes

The story was absolutely phenomenal, and in my mind, could have been made into its own science-fiction horror movie. The plot was so interesting, that I can't stop appreciating it. the fact that "pures" existed before dinosaurs, is a play on all human history that is reminiscent of conspiracy theorists.

The conclusion of the chapter is very good as well, putting the entire story high on my list of best pasta ideas.


 * Part eight: Shared Nightmares

This was a satisfying conclusion, excluding the cliffhanger. I seriously do hope you make this into a series, or at least have a sequel that explains the lost boy a little more, and his connection to the ancient man.


 * ADDED NOTES

You've set up quite an interesting mystery series, and I seriously hope it becomes a long-running thing. The character development is intriguing, and the story is phenomenal.

-Review-

Plot 3/3 Characters 3/3 Creepiness 1/2 Grammar 1/2