Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26274826-20160814125901/@comment-26444017-20160815063240

Here is my suggestion. A complete revamp of language and grammar, whilst maintaining the story. I feel like the following would be a good start point:



The darkness of night, the utter silence of loneliness, the sensation of eyes upon you when no one is there; These are the habitats from which these terrible demons are born. Ruthless bloodsuckers, armed with sharp canines and insatiable appetite that can only be quenched with blood. Vampires... Isolation is their empire!

An impressive tagline, courtesy of Hollywood, certainly. Tales of vampires that sparkle in the sunlight and sell out seats in the theaters. The truth is far different. The origin of the vampire is far from the light of the suburbs, instead being found in the coldest reaches of Serbia.

Those without fear may choose to search for the ravenous beasts. It is best to embark when the day is still being born. According to a popular belief there is a legendary city of vampires located in Vojvodina, Serbia known only as Selena.

Legend says that in a seeming quiet Vojvodina, northwest of Belgrade, there is a ruinous castle that yet stands after thousands of years, raided and ruled by vampires. Audacious travelers seeking to disturb the peace of vampires will find Selena easily. Start from Zemun and follow the old Austro-Hungarian military road along the Danube which leads to Petrovaradin. Along the way, the landscape will change abruptly. Nerium, ferns, and even wheat will begin to fade. Soil, once green and soft, will become dull and dark, as though it had rained ashes upon the land.

When the traveler feels nausea, dizziness and weight on his chest, he will hear the distant bell chime 23 times. Selena will be within view. Upon entry to the city, travelers may find a large circular castle in the central plaza. The facade of the tower will feature mixed styles of carving and painting - ancient Assyrian motifs, Chinese fantasies, and intricate Indian patterns - which together resemble the Babylonian tower, built of pale porphyry known as the "green water".

Towering pillars will surround the castle, 24 in total, featuring statues of women sporting visages of terror. These pillars radiate into the streets which divide the city into districts, filled with countless castles and mausoleums. Upon inspection, names of vampire clans can be seen inscribed on these lesser buildings. At the end of each street there are six high pillars on which there is a statue of a great animal... Snake, bat, vulture, hawk, [insert another animal here], or leeches.

If during their pilgrimage a traveler wakes one of the vampires, comfortably resting in his mausoleum, the tower bell atop the great castle will ring out, and all doors will open. Men and women with pale yellowish eyes and dark lips will rush out in hordes. The traveler must flee to Zemun as quickly as possible avoid both vampires and the now living statues. Keeping a reliable map will be to your advantage.

This is just one of the Serbian stories about vampires.You may heard of the undead Sava Savanovic who chased people around Bajina Basta and sucked their blood. '''[expand on this or remove it. It doesn't fit with the story, and unless it chains into a second tale, it is unnecessary]'''