Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34025893-20171222065340/@comment-24101790-20180107144350

Here are some of the issues I saw in the story:

Punctuation: "At the hospital, my family began going through the labyrinth like (labyrinth-like, as it's a compound word, it should be hyphenated) hospital". "said in a droned out voice.(This should be a comma of colon as it's introducing dialogue) “Leave us be.”"

Punctuation cont.: You also improperly use punctuation in dialogue a number of times. "“We are alone now my son.” he said.", "“I don’t know.(should be a comma)” he said.", "Grandpa. What happened to the house.(?)", etc.

Wording: " The aspirator (I think you mean respirator/ventilator. As aspirator is to remove fluid/gases from a vessel and wouldn't normally be placed in the person's mouth.) in his mouth did not seem to be doing him any good.", "He took of (off) his aspirator (respirator/ventilator) and then said in a droned out voice.", etc.

Story issues: "I was stunned. My grandfather and I never spoke to each other a lot. I did not know why he wanted to talk to me." It doesn't make a lot of sense why the grandfather is telling the protagonist this. They don't really talk much and the line at the end only muddles it further. “From that day on, I did not want anybody to know about what really happened with my wife. And now. My son. I do not want you to tell everyone and anyone about this. They must never know. For the sake of my life.” Why tell him in the first place if he wants no one to know about what happened? Also how exactly did an entire group of servants (and police) get brutally murdered without attracting any attention to the mansion? It seems like he's been in the hospital for a while, wouldn't that come up in investigations?

Story issues cont.: A number of sections feel very rushed. “I told my butlers to inform me the next day if they saw anything strange. They said they would, but when I went to call them and ask them what they saw, they were all dead" and "After that, I suddenly fainted." This ends up robbing the story of any effectiveness as there really isn't a lot of description/build-up and the latter feels like a random transition thrown into the story.

Story issues end: I feel like you might want to go a little more into the creature to differentiate what you have from the quetzal (avian). It also feels a bit random to have the grandfather mentally come up with the creature's name without providing any further information. Currently, I think this story could use a bit of fleshing out and revision as there are a number of mechanical and plot issues here.