Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25565206-20151103205752

I would like to get some feedback on a story I'm working on. Please let me know what you think, what I need to fix, and any other constructive criticism. Thanks

James rolled over, put his arm around Karen’s neck and kissed her cheek. He had met Karen about a month ago at a local coffee shop. She was a smart beautiful girl, who hid her true beauty behind glasses, baggy clothing, and a hair bun. James saw through the disguise and spent the last month wooing Karen. Finally tonight she came back to his place with him, finally giving in to his advances. Little did she know that this would be the last night of her life!



As soon as they walked through the door, James hit Karen in the head and knocked her out. When she awoke, she has tied naked to a bed that was covered in plastic. James didn’t waste any time. He promptly pulled out a scalpel and cut her in multiple places, not to deep, but enough to watch her tied body flail in pain. After about 20 minutes and multiple cuts all over her body, Karen withdrew and didn’t flinch any more from the cuts. This is when James swiftly, with one quick movement sliced her throat. Watching Karen die, as she bled out, James took off his own clothes and right before her last breath he entered her. After a short time he finished his grotesque act, Karen’s lifeless body staring at the ceiling. James got off the bed, completely satisfied, took the scalpel and cut a section of her hair, put it in his drawer, and walked to the bathroom to clean himself up. Karen was girl 25.



James cleaned up, got dressed, and headed for the door. He didn’t bother cleaning up the mess left by Karen, he had a date with another one of his homely beauties.



James met Lil at the college library about two weeks ago. He had been going there looking for a new girl to woo over. James was sitting at a table in one corner of the library when she sat down with him. She was stunning. She wore large glasses, the kind that always slide down your nose, a long skirt that drug along the floor as she walked, and a baggy sweater. Her hair was down and when she sat down she immediately opened one of the three large books she had and started reading. James was awestruck, not only did she seem to have no self-confidence (a trait that he always looked for,) but she was absolutely beautiful. She had olive skin, and large brown eyes. Her face looked as if it was chiseled by a masterful artist, no words could describe her beauty.



After about an hour of just mesmerized by her beauty, James finally started a conversation. Reluctant a first she told him her name was Lil. Not much else was said after that, but James sat there until Lil finally got up, looked over with a smile, and said that she’ll be back her tomorrow at the same time.



Over the last two weeks James found out that Lil was doing a thesis on Lilith. She had explained that during her research she had learned that Lilith was Adams first wife before Eve. She explained that Lilith left Adam for a while and when she returned, she had been replaced by Eve. This infuriated Lilith, so she would sneak in at night, while Adam was sleeping, have sex with him, and steal his seed. This caused Lilith to give birth too many Demons. This went on until Lilith met Samael. Samael took Lilith as his wife, but was soon castrated by god. Lil, explained that Lilith eventually saw the evil of her ways, and that Lilith and Samael began seeking out and sending Lilith’s demon spawn back to hell. She also explained that some of the demons were able to take over the bodies of humans and cause them to do extreme evil.



James didn’t care about all that stuff, all he cared about was making her his. She would be his top prize, he would take her slow, not just a few hours, but a few days, or even a few weeks. He contemplated all this as he walked toward the library to meet his prize.



Lil was standing outside the library waiting for James. He walked up to her and she said she had to get back to her place to take care of something. She asked if he would like to join her. James said yes and the walked off down the street toward Lil’s place. James thought that this might be a good opportunity for him to take her tonight. He had never had two girls in the same month let alone the same night. James started to get excited, and decided tonight was going to be the best night of his life. They walked for a while in silence until they reached a gated drive. Lil, put a code in the keypad and the gates opened. As they walked up the drive James saw the massive structure ahead of them. The house had to be at least a ten thousand foot mansion. James didn’t realize Lil was rich also.



<p class="MsoNormal">As they reached to front door, Lil turned the knob, opened the door and walked in to beautifully decorated foyer. James was in awe over the sight of the lavish house. Lil turned smiled and asked James if he was coming. He walked in, the house was beautiful, even better yet all the lights seemed to be off, and it looked as if no one was home.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Lil walked up the curved stair way and headed toward a room right at the top off the stairs. James followed along like a puppy following its master. They entered a smaller room, it’s size seemed out of proportion to the rest of the massive house. The room had only a desk and a bed. The bed seemed to be the centerpiece of the room, its massive size left very little space in the room.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Lil told James to have a seat, and she’d be right back in a minute. A few minutes later Lil came back into the room. She looked very different. The glasses where gone, so was the long dress and baggy sweater. In their place was a white skin tight skirt, white thigh highs, and a white blouse and jacket. Her hair was straight down her back. James had never realized how long it was. Lil sat down on the bed and looked at James. James once again was awestruck. This beautiful goddess sitting in front of him couldn’t be the same person he came her with. The person sitting in front of him looked as if she came off the pages of some high end clothing catalog.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Lil, without taking her eyes off James, asked him if he remembered what she had told him about her thesis. James just nodded his head still in awe over the beauty in front of him. Lil explained that anytime a demon had entered a human, there was only one way to get the demon out and send it to hell. James wasn’t listening. She continued to explain that once the demon was located that the human hands must be removed so that the demon can’t hold on inside the host body. She then explained that once that was done that the head must be removed which will free the demon and send it to hell. James still entranced by Lil still wasn’t listening. All he could do was run his eyes over her perfect body, all the time imagining how great it will be when he takes her. Lil continued to explain that Lilith had been given a special sword with a red hot blade to use to vanquish her demon spawn.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Between James’s imagination and Lil’s speech, James didn’t hear the door open, and didn’t notice the man dressed in an all-white suit standing beside him. Once Lil was done speaking, she said James’s name twice then snapped her fingers in front of his face to snap him out of his trance. James looked up and finally met Lil’s beautiful brown eyes. James then saw the man in white standing next to him and jumped out of his seat and landed on the floor. Lil introduced the man as Samael. Samael looked over at James nodded and smiled. Lil then explained that while James thought he was stalking her, she was actually setting him up. She explained that she knew of what he had done, and that only true evil can cause a person to do those things.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Samael quickly grabbed James, brought him to his knees and held his hands out in front of him. James felt as if he was being forced to pray, but he wasn’t going to pray. Lil walked over to a closet in the room, open the door and grabbed something out of it. She walked back over and James immediately realized what it was. It was a intricately crafted sword. Its handle was carved out of what looked like solid gold. However it was the blade that James noticed the most. The sword’s blade was a glowing red, not like it was on fire, but more like it had been just forged and the steel was still glowing hot.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Lil without saying a word walked over to James and with one swift swing cut off both of his hands. James screamed in pain as he watched both his hands fall to the floor. No blood was spilled because both wounds were instantly cauterized by the blade. Lil leaned forward and told James that she loved her son and was sorry that she had to do this to him. With one last swipe of the blade, James’s head fell to the floor.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Only 13 left. <ac_metadata title="I would like to get some feed back"> </ac_metadata>