Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25326117-20160701011727

I don't know if anyone know this about me, but this thing is slowly killing me. I should probably explain what this thing is, it's my autism. Yes, I am autistic. I was diagnosed with it at the age of four. Back then, my mom didn't know how to deal with me nor my newborn sister at that time. It was a complete nightmare, especially since the doctor that treated us had another little girl in his care die and my mom believed he was a quack. However, that's another story.

My story is probably how I deal with my autism. It's not really helpful, and I believe it will slowly kill me. How do I know this? Well, it happened today. It probably could have been avoided if I had just got off my lazy ass and got the bus earlier to arrive at my payee's earlier, instead of at 4:06 pm.

I really hate not having a driver's lessons, but I am extremely paranoid about crashing and ending someone's life. Who cares about me? Mostly not me, right? God forbid, somebody else getting hurt or killed because of my stupid ass! My mom wanted me to get my license since I would have been the first one in my family with autism to get her license, but of course, I don't trust myself. Knowing me, I'll likely get distracted and crash into someone's bicycle.

It happened when I was like sixteen or in my mid teenage years, I was riding my bike around the neighborhood. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I crashed into somebody's car. It was a pretty expensive car, made in the early 2000s, I believe. My mom had to pay for the repair, because of me being the usual distracted dumbass. I mean, how in the world does some girl crash her bike into a parked car? Really, what the hell is wrong with me!

That's why I can't have a driver's license, because I get easily distracted and easily upset.

So, I am stuck riding the bus. However, I still have a hard time being on the bus, because of the people on there. I get startled whenever somebody is talking loudly with it's best friend. I really don't want people to think that I am eavesdropping. I also don't want people thinking that I am a creep just because I am looking towards the front where the bus's big windshield is. Of course, I try thinking that everybody already thinks that I am a creep, which doesn't help.

It's especially hard when someone new comes on, because it probably doesn't want to sit next to me. ''I mean, who really wants to sit next to some dumbass white girl, right? That dumbass white girl better move or I'll make her move. She better sit in the back, because she caused my ancestors to suffer.''  Of course, that's what I think. I don't think anyone wants to sit next to me because it gets claustrophobic and one doesn't even know who it's sitting next to. So, I continually internalize what others think about me and it's frustrating.

Anyways, I am getting off topic.

I managed to arrive at my payee's office today at 4:06 pm. I took the elevator up, but the office was all black, covered in utter darkness. There was only one person there, the security guard. I tried to ask him to let me pick up my check, but he just said, "We're closed!"

I couldn't get it and my meltdown came. I began crying and began striking myself. Oh, the fun of being struck right near the eyeballs, am I right? It only continued to get worse as I made my way outside towards the bus stop. I started beating myself more intensely. I started bashing my forehead against the bus stop, wailing, and shouting curses at myself. It wasn't pretty, but I probably had it coming since I got there late.

Karma's a bitch!

I should have just waited on my caregiver, instead of just leaving at two something in the afternoon to get my bill and hopelessly hurry down towards the office to receive my check. It's nobody's fault but my own.

I am okay for now, but if I continue to hurt myself. I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe, I am just a selfish piece of shit that wants attention. However, I have hurt myself in the privacy of my own home, especially with these meltdowns. Only those close to me know about them. I don't know if these meltdowns are related to autism, but I hate dealing with them. I don't know how much longer I can handle them. I guess, they are just like cutting for me.

God, I hope you guys, don't go through what I have to go through. I can only continue the counseling and increase my dosage of anti-depressants, maybe that'll help. What do you think? 