Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29652084-20170823103622/@comment-24101790-20170823133603

Starting with the basic, you switch from single spacing to double spacing throughout the story. Being uniform with one format would be best. Here's what I found. The examples provided might not be the only instances of the issue in the story so it's best to check through.

Capitalization: Dialogue tags don't need to be capitalized unless they're a proper noun. "“Don’t call me that! What do you want?!” He (he) snapped at me.", "“What happened to Mom?” He (he) asked", "“She jumped, Redd!” He (he) yelled", etc. You also shouldn't start sentences with numbers as they need proper capitalization. "New Year of 1981. 1981 was something of a good year.", " bed. 1981 had been what I'd probably consider the best year of my life.", "1987. Now, that was a good year.", etc.

Punctuation: "always requesting that the staff call him by his name instead of "Master Delacroy" or "Master James."(period should be outside the quotations)", "listening to some kind of static-y noise he called "rock."(period goes outside of quotations)", "I asked him, making the mental note to stop referring to the man as "Master."(.)",

Punctuation cont.: There are a few times when you should be using commas instead of periods in dialogue. " ""Seems nice enough." James commented", "highways heading to the Interstate.” He (he) said, a goofy grin on his face.", " Good luck on it.” I replied with a smile.", "“I was actually hoping to inquire about what was wrong, Brandon.” I said", etc.

Wording: "You could say I'm the guy who seen (saw) it all go down, the guy who watched it all happen.", "When you were out in the back yard (backyard)"/" In it was a window that looked out over the back yard (backyard).", "The manor catered to a wonderful garden as well." (Typically to cater means to provide for something. 'The school catered to rich kids.'), "There was a sadness in his eye (should be plural)", etc.

Wording cont.: "But perhaps the beauty of the manor and its grounds makes it no surprise that the series of events I'm about to relay to you are terrible. Perhaps that makes it no surprise that the horrible events I'm about to relay to you happened to the family that had moved into Hollyharson" this section feels a bit redundant and I'm not quite sure what you mean with the first sentence. How exactly does the manor's beauty imply a terrible series of events?

Story issues: A few of the descriptions could benefit from some elaboration. "Cliche, almost, in the way that it hugged up to a coastal cliff of solid granite. (What gives it that cliched appearance? Does it look like your typical Gothic manor?)", "a number of squalling seagulls, giving a nice sound that can only be described as the sound of silence - without the silence. (I'm not quite sure what you're going for here. Adding a little onto this might clear up any possible confusion.)"

Story issues cont.: There are a few times that the wording is a bit awkward. Lines like: "The way she treated her kids wasn't of any value either." and "He replied to her quivering soul" feel a bit out of place. 'quivering soul' feels a bit too poetic, especially since he's talking to her directly.

I would also build on the mansion's destruction as well. ("All that was left in its wake was a deafening, blinding inferno, clashing with the night sky. I just sat in front of the gate, and I could do nothing but watch, and sob.") I'm not quite sure what's happened to the manor in that time so it feels a bit sudden that after digging up the items, he'd turn around to see it in its full destruction when it's entirely consumed in flames.

All in all, I like the story. It has a nice somber quality to it as the father loses his family one by one and slowly sinks into despair. There's some good characterization there and main players are relatable. The epilogue has a nice bittersweet quality to it as well. I think it'll make a good addition to the wiki, but I would suggest fixing up some of the mechanical issues quite a bit.