Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25326117-20150812025634/@comment-26475800-20150812033926

This was all over the place. It starts out with the sister cutting herself (which could have been a good way to start and end it, and I thought that was the direction you were going with it.) Than it goes to a first person narration, and ends with a diary reading, which is very anticlimactic.

you started off strong, I was pumped to see what was going to happen, but that was the only good part of the story. Everything after the first paragraph fell flat. I think you should either make the diary something far more frightening, or scrap everything after the first paragraph and start over again.

There is far too little details in this story to make me feel anything besides confused about what the main goal is. It seems more of an outline than a story.

Flesh this story out more and you can have something here, maybe. The part which you should build on is the first paragraph, work backwards to what caused that to happen. I would suggest not doing it via diary, but have the two of them living the days out. Have something more extreme than some bullying happen, and end with the start again.

This is what I see is needed to make this story better. Sorry, just doesn't seem to be a story yet.