Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25096774-20141212010842/@comment-25096774-20150310193337

Tjj.heinze wrote: I liked the theme, and disagree on the remark that the story is a cliché and therefore a nuisance. But the story does have some severe consistency problems and I find some concepts unbelievable.

1.) Credibility. Some examples: The main character is said to be 10 years old but is already reading Shakespeare, she is a Goth (or part of a Goth group), the antagonist (Nicole) must be of approximately the same age and thinks of the devious plan to kill Lily with an herbicide because Lily kept talking to Jacob. Such behaviour seems more suitable for teenagers (i.e., 13-18 years). I also find it hard to believe that the main character is frequently bruised but her parents ignore this. She's 10.

2.) Consistency. Some examples: The main character is killed and two weeks later everybody at school has forgotten about her. What about her gothic group? Why have they forgotten her? If they have all forgotten about her, why is Dahlia spared? Why only Dahlia? Lily is being killed and screams out to her plants but nobody can hear her. What about her killers? They're videotaping her, aren't they?

3.) Redundancy. Lily's parents are discussed (they give Lily too little attention) but neither they, nor their neglect play a significant role in the story. Either expand on this or scrap the theme.

4.) Paragraphs. A paragraph has, like a story, a beginning, a  middle, and an end. In the paragraph the writer treats the subject that he started in the beginning, explains it in the middle, and rounds it up in the end before beginning a new paragraph. You jump from theme to theme, making it difficult for the reader to understand what is happening. Example:

''She was going to make everyone pay at that disrespectful school; everyone who did this to her. Innocent or not, she will make them scream, just the thought of what they did, made her blood boil more. As she stepped inside. Everyone was chatting, until they broke into silence as they thought they had they had killed her for good, but they were wrong. She locked the doors as black vines made the door secure. She smiled viciously as slowly everyone became trapped within a vine mess. Dahlia woke up hungover, found a note on her dresser telling her not to come to school. She was late as it is so pretended to be sick, she stared at the note confused, she didn't hear anyone come in nor was the door unlocked. Maybe her parents left it before they went to work? Whoever left it made it clear for her to stay home from school. A few students were being strangled while others was being eaten by black Venus fly traps (a slow, awful death). Lilly walked up to the leader of the gang Nicole. Water soon to begin to fill the school, not just plain water, but plant killer infested water; so black there were no reflections bouncing off. It absorbed the light itself. Lilly wrapped herself in vines as she held Nicole under the water. Nicole thrashed around trying to push Lilly off, but the vines protecting her made it entirely impossible. She was soon dead, drowned in the mess she caused. What she did to the most innocent in life, she was now in Hell with all the others. Lilly left the scene the doors only opened for her; police had to cut the vines just to get through.''

Corrected, it would be something like this:

''She was going to make them pay, all of those who had been disrespectful at her at school; all of them who had ignored her -innocent or not. She would make them scream -the thought of it made Lilly's blood boil. As she stepped inside the lunch room, she saw how all the students were chatting with each other, until they broke in silence when they saw their former school mate enter the lunch room. She saw Nicole and her gang looking at her, stupified; Lilly knew intuitively that they had, of course, thought  her killed and gone for good, but that this unexpected twist in their lives was not the reason they looked so full of fear. It was, Lilly knew, because of her hardened face and the terrifying anger that glew in her eyes. 'It made her smile, a smile so vicious the students now began to scream and run. But Lilly had already closed the doors, and the vines sprouting from her knew well how to make sure that none of them would ever leave the room.''

''Some of them were trapped in Venus fly-traps, their fate being to be slowly digested by the plant's juices. Others were being strangled by the vines, but Lilly paid them little attention. Special care was due to Nicole and her friends, she thought to herself, and walked up to them''. ''While the room darkened as black, poisonous waters dripped from the plants' leaves, absorbing all the light, Lilly wrapped herself in vines as she held Nicole under those waters. Nicole tried to fight her off, but her efforts were without effect: Lily was simply too strong, and the vines that tied Nicole to the ground ensured that Nicole would die the same, terrible death that she had thrown upon Lilly -even more so, because Nicole saw her friends die alongside herself. Lilly made sure, however, that her face would be the last thing that Nicole saw. ''

''Elsewhere, Dahlia woke up from a restless sleep, dreaming about her old freiend warning her not to come to school. She was surprised to find a note in her friend's writing on her night dresser, giving the same warning. When she had gotten up, she wondered why her parents hadn't woken her [this is one of the reasons I find it hard to believe that the kids are 10] as she was far too late for school. Turning on the TV, she switched to the news channel, and heard in disbelief of what had been going on at her school.''

I apologise if you feel I overstepped, but I really enjoyed the re-edit. Please take it as a compliment; I find the concept of your story appealing, and it would work very well if you improved it.

Looking forward to reading your final version. I  sooo soo sorry I just saw this, I haven't been on because of work :( I'll be editing it soon :)