Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170613042153/@comment-24101790-20170614041133

"ivy. the (The) school will appear to be open, even though it’s around midnight."

"If you look closely though the tiny windows you will notice several bold (bald-headed) headed ghosts studying in the classrooms." Also, later they're wearing hats, so why are these ones studying and the other ones taking tests endlessly?

"This is the only room where the ritual hasn’t been performed yet. It is also where the queen of the school resides." How exactly does the protagonist know this? Also, how do they know that the room hasn't had someone perform the ritual in it yet?

"The indoor (indoors) will reek of death and filth."

"If you accidently wonder (wander) into one of these rooms you will now become part of the ordeal."

"The queen will than (then) suddenly teleport in front of you."

"talons.  Her (only 1 or two spaces needed depending on your style. You use one space previously so try to keep it uniform) blue sparking eyes will show you her true power. If you look into them you will be embraced by sadness and despair."

"You must then respond with “I wish to test my forgotten smarts.” Punctuation missing before dialogue. Here's a more comprehensive guide for clarification.

Story issues: "No one knows what they are and you must answer all of them in under an hour to pass." I would instead sub this out with the questions being randomized as it feels out-of-place that someone would have all of these details about the school and ritual yet not have any idea about what the questions are.

"She will then taunt you with an evil laugh that will send shivers up your spine." What about her laugh makes it sound evil? Calling something evil isn't the best adjective. This is like describing something as sounding demonic, it's not a very good descriptor as there are different ways to view the word. Is it a low-pitched laugh like the sound of thunder rolling off in the distance? Is it high-pitched and grating like nails scraping on a chalkboard? Your goal here is to make the descriptions as effective as possible so avoid nebulous descriptors that could infer multiple different things about what you are trying to describe.

"You will know the cure for cancer; you will be able to solve any math problem with ease." I'd make the knowledge a bit more undefined as this raises more questions. If someone knows the cure for cancer, why doesn't the rest of the world? Your goal is to try and make the ritual sound believable while still instilling a sense of danger/fear for those who would try it. I would suggest getting someone else to weigh in on your next revision as that's about all the advice I can give without impeding too much on your own story-telling and differing opinions do tend to make for stronger stories.