Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20171019213814/@comment-32764586-20171020143928

MrDupin wrote: I will split this review in two: First on the technical issues of the story and then I will touch on the story and writing itself.

"He had previously been asleep in his comfortable wrapped in a warm blanket" - There is a word missing after 'comfortable'.

"resting his head on a soft and fluffy pillow. Annoyed, he rested his head on the pillow and gently let his eyes fall" - You are repeating the same thing twice. You write that he was resting his head on a pillow and then write that he was resting on a pillow. These sentences should be merged.

In the first paragraph, you write the word 'soft' too many times (twice in the same sentence). Repetition like this doesn't look good on stories.

"exited the warmth and comfort. Instead, he now faced the chilly Autumn air" - The 'Instead' connecting the two sentences is a bit awkward. I suggest removing it. The word is normally not used as a transition, but as a contrast.

"was strange yet, surprisingly human" - The comma is a bit awkward. You can either remove it or add a comma before 'yet'. I suggest the first option.

"he was afraid of just cold" - I think you meant to say 'or' instead of 'of'.

"As unsettling as the dark was, the dark devoid of noise" - You write 'dark' twice in a row. It's better to amend this.

I am afraid there are a lot of technical errors like these, too many for me to write here. You need to comb these out. Proof-reading your story again and again will do the trick. I will now move on to issues on plot and general writing.

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"David admired the quiet of the woods" - Just in the previous line you wrote how the lack of sound 'invoked the strongest fears lurking in a man's soul', but now you say David admired it? Inconsistencies like this are detrimental to a story, especially when they come so close to each other.

When David meets the man, you constantly write about them locking eyes/gazes. In the end, this became more awkward than creepy. I suggest you change things up a bit. Relying on just this one thing and repeating it again and again is very bad for storytelling. I understand that the gaze of the lycanthrope was magical in your story, but you overplayed it without much in between.

The transformation itself was good enough, but what stood out was the tongue-thing. It was very unexpected and original and properly caught me by surprise. The image of the beast pushing its tongue down David's throat was very creepy. Well done! Unfortunately though the moment suffers from the same issue the whole story suffers from: Technical errors. "his throat but it the wolf" - That 'but it the wolf' ruined the scene.

All in all, this story has potential, but suffers terribly from error-filled writing. I suggest you read and re-read your stories again and again, trying to fix all these errors. You need to keep improving by reading and writing. With practise you can write great stories.

Thank you Dupin. As a young devoloping writer I am very glad you critisized my story. I will try to touch upon what you suggested and i cannot say enough how much I appreciate you doing this. I will always push myself to be better.