Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24918243-20140607065334/@comment-24821182-20140607094902

I've read some great stories from you in the past, but this one fell short of my expectations. It simply lacked substance, I think; it's a revenge fantasy, and I see these in the hundreds. A poor child is treated inhumanely by an insanely evil parent with no redeeming qualities (I'm aware that even if the father had redeeming qualities, he would still be the world's shittiest parent), then a mysterious power or special opportunity comes to child's aid, and then the nasty aggressor who'd been mean to the child dies in a grotesque gorefest straight out of a Quentin Tarantino film.

Then there's the grammar:

When you follow a piece of dialogue up with he/she/it said/thought/yelled, you don't end the piece of dialogue with a period, but rather with a comma. If the piece of dialogue comes after you telling us who said it, then it's justified to end with a period.

There are some misspellings, like "eys", "Nanna", and "Allys".

There's also too much spacing between the paragraphs, and it makes the story seem longer than it is. There's also more spacing between certain words than there should be.

I know you're capable of writing great stories, and I think you could take this story and improve upon it. As the story currently is, I just don't think it's very good. Had this been posted as an article and I came across it randomly, I would have definitely marked it for review.