Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20170425065105/@comment-28266772-20170425153014

It all happened when I was 6, during winter. My older brother and I were playing on a [the] thin ice of the pond in our backyard. The ice broke and we soon found ourselves struggling to stay afloat in the freezing water. As I continued to struggle [brevity; As I continued to struggle -> As I struggled], I saw a girl, around my age, standing on the edge of the pond. She had a striking resemblance to me, but she had a holy and timeless face. She was the prettiest being I've [I had] ever seen.

"Um, are you my guardian angel?" I asked her, feeling the numbness in my toe from the cold temperature. '[Where is this kid? In the pond? Or have they climbed out? If they’re in the pond would they really be so casual and calm?] 'She looked and pointed towards a certain direction. the [The] direction [unfinished sentence]. I looked over to see [a] more solid and stable plate of ice. I swam towards it and pulled myself out. I turned around to see my brother floating in the water, motionlessly. I believed the guardian angel tried to save both of us, but could only save me at the end.

My parents and other family members were mortified about my brother and took such a [such good care] good care of me. At age of 8 [At age 8], I woke up in middle of the night smelling something bad. Underneath the door, I saw strange reddish-orange light coming out of the hallway. I opened the door to see a sea of fire engulfing everything. I was scared and began to cry of [of -> for] my mom and dad. Then I saw her again, the guardian angel from two years ago. She was hovering by the window on the other side of the hallway. I ran over there, burning bits of my pajama [pajamas] and some of my hair on the way. I looked out to see a ladder right below the window. Dad must've put it there during the way [day] when he was painting the walls. I climbed down the ladder to see the firefighters arrive at the scene. I survived the fire that burned my house down along with my parents.

Thankfully, I was adopted by my best friend Gina's family. Our dad [dads] were brothers in arms who served in the army together so I guess he felt [missing word – ‘obliged’ maybe?] to take me in. I grew up as a good student, excelling in my studies and as a captain of the high school Volleyball Team. One night I went to a football game between us and the rivaling [rival] school. During the halftime, I got off the bleachers to [go to] the bathroom. When I came out, there she was again. This time, She [she] was seating [sitting] on top of the food vendor. My life wasn't in danger, so I was curious to see why she was there. I went to the vendor as I had sudden urge to get some chips. [you shouldn’t introduce a motivation for an action at the same time as an action, especially if that action is important] Suddenly, I heard a loud booming noise behind me. The entire spectator seating collapsed, killing everyone who was there. I lost so many friends that day, but thank god, not Gina. We mourned the losses [loss] of my friends and swore to make the best of our lives for their sakes as well.

We graduated the High School [usually just written as “High School” and not “the High School”] and attended the University [same here - “university” not “the university”]. We made [our way?] through our first quarter with good grades. To celebrate, we went out for a drink at the local night club. As we danced and were getting more drunk, some random guy came up to us and began to hit on us. Naturally, Gina was the one he was interested in as she was more attractive and flirty with men. She told me how she was going to spend some time with this guy. As we parted our ways, I watched as they walked down the street under dim light. I shook my head because I really didn't know what she saw in him. As they were getting closer to the car, I saw the guardian angel, this time standing on the roof of the closed pawn shop. I yelled across the street, but they did not hear me and the car drove away. I immediately contacted the Police [police], telling them how my friend was being kidnapped. Gina was missing for three days, until they found her on the outskirts of the city, huddled and crying in a fetal position. Her kidney was missing. After checking up on her at the hospital and comforting her family, they told me how they were going to move to the rural part of the state, keeping here away from the bad memories.

Every time something bad happened around me I would always be untouched, I saw my beautiful guardian angel when those events happened. People wondered why I would always come out alive, but my belief in my angel was solidified at that point. She was always there. Always protecting me. People's curiosity died soon anyways,

And now here I am, a 25-years old graduate with great job and guranteed [guaranteed] future. There was nothing I could ask for more '[ask for. – sentence makes no sense with ‘more’ on the end]'. I have [been] keeping tabs on Gina's family, and they told me she had finally recovered from the trauma, and really wanted to see me again. '[think about tenses – this paragraph starts in present tense and then switches to past tense. It makes no sense.] '   In excitement, I told them I would visit them first in the morning. That night, as I was driving back from my work, my car swarved [swerved] down the curve [curved] lane. I lost the [just ‘control’] control of my car and it went off-road. My car rolled several times and crashing [crashed] at the bottom. I opened my eyse [eyes] with terrbile [terrible] pain in my side. I looked down to see thick tree brach [branch]has   [had; don’t change tense mid-sentence] punched [punched through?] my sides. I saw my guardian angel seating [sitting] in the passenger seat, crying her eyes out.

"Wh, why [Why… why?] are you crying?" I asked in pain

"Because my dear, you will soon depart from this world, and I will never seen [see] you again," said the angel in a depressing voice. It was at that moment I realized this was the first time I heard her speak, having known her for years.

"But, I have you with me. I know you will save me again [comma]" I told her.

With her assuring smile, she caressed me cheek. "Oh, my sweet thing...." And with her smile, she grabbed the tree branch [and] shoved it deeper into my wound. As I wailed in pain, I saw her smile turned [turn] into sinister grin.

"Was I saving you, or was I torturing you with every chance?"

-

Mechanical errors – misspellings and just general weird word choices (e.g. seating, the university, the high school, swarved and so on) bring it down. Tense changes pop up but they really hurt the story. I mean consider the point where it’s like “Now here I am” but then it suddenly switches to past tense (implying events occurred before the “Now here I am” bit) and then the person dies meaning they died before saying “Now here I am etc etc”. Missing punctuation, missing words and much more hurt the story. A lot. I’d recommend using a spellcheck. If you have MS word then use that.

Stylistic issues –A lot of the description is plain (e.g. I climbed down the ladder to see the firefighters arrive at the scene.) and there’s no underlying mood or atmosphere. You just state, plainly, what happens and not much else. You should “show, not tell” when writing; that means using descriptive and creative language to help the reader construct their own idea of what’s happening and not just telling the reader what’s happening.

Plot issues – interesting idea but it’s a bit clichéd and kinda predictable. The reader has a good chance of knowing what’s coming.

Conclusion? Improve your vocabulary and be more creative in your use of language. Read a lot and try to take the time to appreciate a passage in a book or a story that you like, and make a careful note of why you like it. Make a conscious effort to establish mood and atmosphere with descriptive language that doesn’t just plainly state what happens. When thinking of a plot try to avoid gimmicky twists.

<p class="MsoNormal">Also, and this is the big one, proof read your work and use a spellcheck. A couple of errors is fine but it’s a writer’s job to convince people their work is worth reading and if they see a load of spelling and grammar errors in the first paragraph then they’re not going to be convinced.