Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24466828-20170518185644/@comment-24466828-20170520031435

JohnathanNash wrote: Okay, so here's some things I've noticed in the first sentence. I'm going to go through more of this, but I have a feeling this is how the story is going to go.

"The junior high students of Sterling Heights, Michigan often like to tell a ghost story about an abandoned basement deep in the woods around their neighborhood."

Try it like this: "The junior high students of Sterling Heights often like to tell a ghost story about an abandoned basement deep in the woods." Also, why is there an abandoned basement. If there's no house attached it would be abandoned. You may want to have it be a run down house and most of the paranormal things happen in the basement.

"It was first discovered by one of the most popular kids in the neighborhood named Simon Malcero. He said that he found it while going for a walk."

Try: "It was first discovered by one of the neighborhood kids, Simon Malcero. He found it while going for a walk." You may not even need to identify he is a kid, because it's a story told by kids. However, you may want to give more of his age, is he a teen, an adolescence? That would be worth more than just having him be a kid.

"Several students decided to make a tradition out of it. Every Friday, someone has to spend 10 minutes inside it alone. Then, they have to nominate someone to do it next week."

Try: "Since then, every Friday someone attempted to spend 10 minutes inside it alone. If they succeeded, they'd nominate someone to do it next week."

"By the 7th week, an 8th grader named Perry Alberson was chosen" spell out seven, comma before and after Perry's name.

"Before Perry walked into the woods that Friday, he was given a flashlight and a timer so he'd know when to come out. He then proceeded for the room. He had never seen it before, and he wondered what it would look like. When he arrived to it, he shined his flashlight at it. Most of the structure was underground. There was a rusty, iron door surrounded by a small concrete structure on the ground level. The structure was square shaped. It was about 6-7 square feet. A small keyhole was on the door. A phrase was written in black ink on top of the door. It simply read "The Basement". Its roof had a few leaves and small sticks on top of it. However, despite those small issues, the roof was in good shape."

Try: "Before Perry walked into the woods that Friday, he was given a flashlight and a timer so he'd know when to come out. He never saw the room before, and he wondered what it would look like. When he arrived he shined his flashlight at it. There was a rusty, iron door surrounded by a small concrete structure on the ground level. The structure was square shaped, about 6-7 square feet. A phrase was written in black ink on top of the door, reading: "The Basement". Surprisingly, the roof was in fairly good condition."

You are doing a lot of telling in this story. Try and do some showing, this next revision will give you an idea on how to do that.

"Perry opened the door. It was heavy, and it took a tremendous amount of energy to open it. As it slid open, he could hear the hinges creaking. Perry walked inside the structure and closed the door behind him. A staircase was in front of him. The steps were made of stone and paint was peeling off all the walls. After he descended 10 steps, he arrived at the basement floor. He shined the flashlight around the room. It was fairly big, but there was no furniture inside it. There were a few spider webs here and there, but that was about it. Like the staircase, the paint was peeling off the walls in the room as well."

Try: "Perry grunted as he opened the door opened the door, it took a tremendous amount of energy. The hinges creaking as the door swung open. Perry glanced into the darkness, before stepping cautiously over the threshold. A staircase was in front of him. The steps were made of stone and paint was peeling off all the walls. After he descended the stairs he shined the flashlight around the room. There were a few spider webs here and there, but that was about it. Like the staircase, the paint was peeling off the walls."

"Perry walked into the center of the room. He couldn't hear a noise. The room creeped him out a bit as this was the only abandoned place he ever set foot in. However, he brushed off those fears when he looked at his timer to see that there were only 3 minutes left. He spent those final few minutes pacing around the room for a bit. Eventually, his timer reached 10 minutes."

Try: "Perry walked into the center of the room. He flicked the light from wall to wall, his breathing was heavy. Every sound caused the light to jump towards the direction it seemed to emanate from. After a while, he gained control of himself and looked at the timer. Only three minutes left. He spent those final moments pacing around the room."

Try: "Perry walked up the stairs back to the main entrance. As he walked up, he kept thinking that something was going to jump out from behind and grab him. His pace quickened until he reached the top.

Perry sighed once he reached the top of the stairs. It was finally over. When he went to open the door, however, the door handle wouldn't budge. It was locked. He peeked out the keyhole to see someone walking away."

Okay, the last few paragraphs I think you can get a handle on from all the other examples given above. Now, it would be better if you built up the feelings Perry was having. Show him getting freaked out. Also, you may want to show his friends showing up as he starts to vanish. Have them crying and screaming for him to help them. Warning him to get out before it's too late. Something, but he can only hear them when he starts to vanish as well. You may also want to consolidate the first few paragraphs to have it only be one. It would move the story faster, and make it a little stronger.

Overall, this story could be good, but there's a lot of work that needs to be put into it. If you're willing to do the work, post it back once it's finished. Good luck. Thanks for the detailed response. you gave me a lot of good suggestions. I especially liked your suggestion of show, don't tell. I'm going to especially try that. However, there are a few edits of yours that I won't make for reasons that I'll explain below:

"Also, why is there an abandoned basement. If there's no house attached it would be abandoned. You may want to have it be a run down house and most of the paranormal things happen in the basement."

When I wrote this story, I tried to avoid making the setting of this story a haunted house, because haunted houses can be cliché for horror stories. Since the setting from this pasta actually is haunted, I tried to make it a lone basement as I wanted to give my location a bit of an absurd feeling to it. It fits the absurd plot twist of the pasta.

"Also, you may want to show his friends showing up as he starts to vanish. Have them crying and screaming for him to help them. Warning him to get out before it's too late. Something, but he can only hear them when he starts to vanish as well."

I don't want anyone to see Perry vanish. That way, my pasta will leave a disturbing implication that many more people will be tricked into going to the basement where they will encounter Perry's fate.

However, I agree with most of your edits. I'll make sure to edit this story soon. Thanks for helping me out.