Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29369495-20160730133638/@comment-28266772-20160731180352

To dear

Nana Camille

'[So the correct way to format this would be ‘Dear Nana Camille,’ – and while in a handwritten letter you do leave a few extra lines I think it’s something that, for fictional stories, just looks awkward. It’s a stylistic choice, and up to you, but I don’t think it would hurt to just have one line break]'

I'm new here. A newbie in this physical world. Nana, I miss how you and I used [to] swing together on those wooden swings [repetition – repeating words closely together creates an unpleasant flow] in the park and humans used [to] think the swings [again] were moving because of the wind. I miss standing behind the humans and stare [staring] at them. Nana, I miss how pale my skin was; lifeless and my face; emotionless '[this structure is incorrect. Not sure what you’re intending though so I can’t give a lot of advice on what to do]'. I fancied that life [fancied means to desire – it suggests that she’s never had it before], there we had powers. Powers to see humans and roam about anywher [anywhere] but now, I don't have any such powers... I can't see you. I miss you. I miss me.

Who I'm here is not me but my mind [so vague as to be awkward]. Who I was there was me, my spirit. [this distinction needs to be clarified]

Come and take me from here nana. Humans think this is the life but it is not. Their concept of life is topsy tervy... this is the afterlife. Life is where we live. Where we have the powers. [so same issue as above – it’s too vague to make sense]

Nana, come amd [and] take me before I forget you, befote [before] I forget myself, before I forget the life. They will change me. They will torture me. They will kill the real me. [again this is just way too vague.]

Love

Siri

-

So overall,

-> There are mechanical errors with regards to spelling, grammar and formatting. You should correct these. You need to proof read and use spellcheck.

-> The style is far too vague. It’s disparate to the point of being nonsensical. I like the overall idea you’re getting towards—that our own life is actually the afterlife—but that’s lost in a lot of pathos and vagueness.

-> Also there’s a fundamental plot problem because how are they writing the letter? Are they children? If so how can they remember their previous life? Like I said it’d be a lot easier if the style wasn’t so vague.

