Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26872762-20150814000949/@comment-26112985-20150815235818

Well, I am here! And I beleive it is time at last for me to leave some suggestions of this pasta of yours. Before I begin though, I would like to say that you shouldn't take criticism too hard, especially on your first pasta. As a writer, criticism has come to be something I expect, which is why I always put my pastas up on this forum before releasing them on the wikia. Anyway, after reading through, I have come up with a few suggestions that maybe you could heed...

1. The main character's name being Kyle. It isn't that Kyle is a bad name or anything, its just that Kyle was also the name of one of the characters in what is possibly the worst videogame pasta ever (sonic.exe), and it would probably be best not to dig up anyones memories of that particular pasta.

2. You probably shouldn't start out by mentioning the experience that our character goes through has to do with video games. Video game pastas may be on their way to becoming a blacklisted subject someday, and people will be more likely to click off if they see that right away, instead you should lead them into the story a little, saying something more along the lines of "I'm going to be telling you about the worst memory I have... something that I never should've had to go through, but did."

3. Its a bit hard to imagine someone with a deep voice saying something like, "Oh crap". This is more likely to add in comedy, which can shatter the dramatic atmosphere that you are trying to build by writing a creepypasta in the first place.

4. You shouldn't mention the man saying "You will disintegrate into ash". This adds some unbeleiveability to the story, because, even if you were a hardcore gamer, it is more than likely that nobody will take that risk.

5. Give us more details on what it looks like inside the game. Descriptive elements will make your pasta far more beleiveable. Talk at legnth about the gruesomeness. This will add a sense of uneasiness if you do it right. Instead of saying "There was a little chunk of flesh and veins missing, and I screamed in agony" instead say something like "I screamed in complete agony as I looked down at the open wound in my arm. I can see the veins, twisted and gory, that the girl has ripped off with her teeth, they spew crimson blood as I continue my keening over the pain that is ripping through me like a tidal wave."

6. Maybe you should do some research on Satanic rituals. One does not simply conduct a satanic ritual by killing a person, there are Satanic Rites to be performed, which you should definitely look into. If this guy wants to take over the world with Satan, then he should have to do some very serious things. Add in that he kidnaps children and keeps them in this bizzare videogame world, do something like that.

7. Again, add in some detial, especially when our main character breaks his leg. Talk about the sound that his leg makes when it breaks, the pain that it causes him to walk, all that good stuff.

8. Don't have the main character suddenly pull a shotgun out of nowhere, its a bit nonsensical and causes a disruption in the general story.

You should really get another opinion on this, Whitix is a user who will happily give you more constructive criticism, as I am sure there are some things that I missed. Have a good day (=