User blog comment:Underscorre/Jeff the Killer Rewrite Contest!/@comment-4138999-20151104113843/@comment-5973399-20151107182552

Okay, I liked that it's actually a consistent horror story throughout, as opposed to pretty much every other story here (inlcuding mine) that's basically "Kid has boring suburban life and the only horror occurs at the very end". The part about introdiucing the three seperate elements of the story and slowly bringing them together was actually pretty clever, athough I'm still confused as to how people could see a totally abandoned island and go, "Yep, this looks like a tourtist hotspot". Also, some dialgoue felt at times like a bad translation; "I offically diagnoise you with type B insanity"? "We progressing will conclude us to a fatal ending"? "I approve... but disapprove of possible eternal damnation"?

Also, all the deaths happening at the very end- and all but one off screen- felt a bit rushed. I do like the idea that Jeff's insanity came from prolonged contact with an eldritch abomination; it gives some degree of fear of the unknown into it, and is probably the single best explanation for Jeff's insanity I've seen in the whole competition. No, it's no realistic, but neither's a twelve year old kid going insane due to getting in a fight.

It's the dialogue that really holds this back. And it's a damn shame, because this is probably the most creative story I've read in the competition thus far.