Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20170102022905/@comment-4849011-20170106002728

I'm glad I am too.

Okay.

Well, this is awkward. I found some things I felt should be cleaned up, but then I saw that I hadn't cleaned them up on "Short Hoggers". I'll list those later, but here are some things. These reflect changes I already made to "Short Hoggers" or to slight errors in parts unique to this draft.
 * “I’ve ever seen her parents when they brought her up here five years ago.”- I’ve even seen her parents when they brought her up here five years ago.”
 * “The Republic of the Americas pretty much sucks at the whole mental health thing,” Vanessa replied pointedly, “besides, Ellie’s folks still care enough not to foist their offspring onto a private and potentially dangerous reform company, instead they decided to have a Hawaiian-style of adoption and hanai’d Ellie out to her aunt.”- “The Republic of the Americas pretty much sucks at the whole mental health thing,” Vanessa replied pointedly. “Besides, Ellie’s folks still care enough not to foist their offspring onto a private and potentially dangerous reform company. Instead they decided to have a Hawaiian-style of adoption and hanai’d Ellie out to her aunt.” (The latter is a change I still need to make to "Short Hoggers".)
 * Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Thing should be in italics and not quotation marks.
 * ‘Lil’ Mis Bo Beep- Did you mean “‘Lil’ Miss Bo Peep”?
 * Watching a bunch of goths pay homage to the golden age of B-rated horror movies, accompanied with a heavy dose of hardcore techno and fake gore seemed preferable to waiting around to be eaten up by some shape-shifting monster.- Watching a bunch of goths pay homage to the golden age of B-rated horror movies, accompanied with a heavy dose of hardcore techno and fake gore, seemed preferable to waiting around to be eaten up by some shape-shifting monster.
 * “Still most of my housemates were great, the place was laid back and fun, I just didn’t want to live there forever.- “Still most of my housemates were great, the place was laid back and fun… I just didn’t want to live there forever.
 * “I must of said the question out loud then for an old woman’s voice answered right back. ‘Well, dearie, its local slang meaning exile in a mortal shell.’- “I must have said the question out loud then for an old woman’s voice answered right back. ‘Well, dearie, its local slang meaning exile in a mortal shell.’
 * “The landlord finally got around to repairing the apartment house and evicting the animal freeloaders, a few of my roomies even started up a backyard community garden.- “The landlord finally got around to repairing the apartment house and evicting the animal freeloaders. A few of my roomies even started up a backyard community garden.
 * “Well, I didn’t know what it was exactly, ” Kes replied with a yawn.- There appears to be an extra space between exactly and the quotation mark.
 * “Even complained about it at work once, and the people there just nodded while I pitched a fit, then my boss told me I should consider myself that the ghost/boggart/whatever only came around once a year.- “Even complained about it at work once, and the people there just nodded while I pitched a fit, then my boss told me I should consider myself lucky that the ghost/boggart/whatever only came around once a year.
 * “She thought that something would also be her friend and would help become the spell caster she always dreamed about.”- “She thought that something would also be her friend and would help her become the spell caster she always dreamed about.”
 * What could it have been? she thought as she laid back down.- Since you like to italicize thoughts, you should italicize “What could it have been?”
 * Glancing back at the door again and a new shudder rippled down her frozen spine.- Glancing back at the door again, a new shudder rippled down her frozen spine.
 * These polished blades most likely had ferocious wills of their own, they mean business, and Kes was right now wondering if this was the “Something” that Vanessa wanted to talk to her about.- These polished blades most likely had ferocious wills of their own; they meant business, and Kes was right now wondering if this was the “Something” that Vanessa wanted to talk to her about.
 * She stood rigid in her loose-fitting pajamas; sweat beading on her ashen face.- She stood rigid in her loose-fitting pajamas, sweat beading on her ashen face.
 * Another heavy thumping, but the blades bit deep into the surrounding timber and threshold, yet the door held.- Another heavy thumping, but the blades bit deep into the surrounding timber and threshold; the door held.
 * Something else stood outside instead, something large, hefty and very formidable, but still needed help to gain entry.- Something else stood outside instead, something which was large, hefty and very formidable, but still needed help to gain entry.
 * Walking stilly like that of a somnambulant, Kes went into her bedroom and carefully fetched down her “surprise.”- Walking stilly like a somnambulant, Kes went into her bedroom and carefully fetched down her “surprise.”
 * But no sooner did that unpleasant thought enter her mind than she quickly shut it out. No, no, it's best not to think about it... best to concentrate on the here and now instead... like putting that Thing out of action for good!- Italicize the thought portion
 * The rifle’s recoil sent her backwards, where she tumbled like a rolling stone along the floor finally coming to rest against the far wall.- The rifle’s recoil sent her backwards, where she tumbled like a rolling stone along the floor before finally coming to rest against the far wall.
 * Slowly, it began transforming before her widening eyes, ClarissaVan Devereux, Ellie Lambert, the nameless frog-like girl, and then a twisted myriad of other forms—human and nonhuman, some she hardly recognized.- You need a space between Clarissa and Van.