Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26908800-20151022060935/@comment-25597074-20151022210307

No the action is fine and it improves the story but its a little confusing towards the end with the whole door scene. Even though apollyon does not follow the koran it still feels a litlle weird when he says fucked in the ass with a strapon because he was still masquerading as a muslim terrorist. The stink was also confusing as it doesnt really explain where it came from and when Apollyon started talking about Dr. Chang I didnt understand what shit stains had to do with tarot cards ands tea leaves. The memorandum is fine but call it the attached video transcript because the dialog feels more like the report based on the video of the events. Trying to tie it in to current events is fine, but get rid of the date. This way it can apply to future readers as well. Readers now will know about the whole isis syria thing but people quickly forget about world issues (remember the Ukraine conflict?) and so the memroandum will just sound weird and in the past its better not to date it