Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25217349-20140723205724/@comment-25558572-20140723213733

First of all, there's no need to post this in the workshop if it's already on the main site. Next time, try asking someone who gives critiques on their Talk page, or put up the pasta on the workshop before submitting it to the mian site.

On to the story, I was a little disappointed at how you introduced the main character. A "Hello, my name is..." introduction is weak and overused, and also unecessary for a good story. Sometimes, knowing little or nothing about a character can be very effective in bringing a scare.

Second, I find some of your phrasing to be awkward and ineffective. "This is where the ambiguity of my aforementioned ambiguous trauma comes in" sounds weak, because you used the same word twice. Also, the phrase "It didn't work, but thanks anyway for trying, ol' brain." sounds colloquial, as if the protagonist is speaking to me, which seriously kills the mood that attempts to be frightening. Even first-person stories shouldn't read like the author is speaking to you, unless it will stay that way for the entire story- brief passages like that are seriously distracting.

Also, you need to space out dialogue when ever someone else speaks.

The plot itself was weak. The idea of a character's face being deformed is a major cliche, and also unrealistic unless they were injured in some way, like a burn. Sibling rivalry is a little more original than just the painfully cliched child abuse formula, but I still didn't feel really shocked or unnerved during the story. It could have been scary if you'd done something more creative than simply the sister attacking her sibling and then disappearing. Originality is the key to a good pasta.

Overall, I wouldn't delete this, but I don't find it very impressive. You need to do some work on both your style and your premises; tone down the vocabulary a little bit, and read aloud your story before posting it to amke sure it sounds okay. I'd like to see more work from you in the future.