Gain

1st January

First day of the new year in my own apartment! Everyone’s still tucked into their sleeping bags on the floor of my living room. But I said I’d get started on my health kick as soon as possible.

Later

The gym’s nice! Seems to be just the right temperature - not too warm to exercise in. I started with their little booklet called ‘Getting Started’ and am completely knackered now! Guess I’m more unfit than I realised. It’ll probably be a while before I can consider using the free weights.

3rd January

Jamie and I have been making a list of healthy snacks I can eat from now on. Basically I can have as much veg as I want, a limited amount of fruit and must just take it easy with everything else. Had some pulled pork and cottage cheese on Ryvita for my lunch, and then went for a jog. I hate thinking about other people watching me jiggle in public, but should be OK soon, when I start seeing results.

4th January

Went to the post office to send a package full of stuff to my sister. Her job’s not paying so well, so she needs all the help she can get.

5th January

Went to the gym and did the same stuff as a few days ago. I’m always so out of breath when I’m on the cardio equipment. Still, I powered through it and that’s what’s important. The booklets are very helpful. Without them I wouldn’t know how to split my time into cardio and weight training and so forth. I know it’s early, but I think I see more muscle definition around my shoulders?

10th January

I’ve been sticking to this for ten days now! It’s been hard not snacking on sweets and other things I know are bad for me, but oh well, no pain, no gain. My friends have been helping me stay motivated, and I’ve been downloading some inspirational desktop backgrounds. “SWEAT IS FAT CRYING.” Sort of feels like I’m fighting a losing battle at the moment. The scales at the gym say my weight is still the same as it was a week ago. The trouble is my medication does have weight gain as a side effect. It’s been giving me some weird dreams too. Last night I dreamt that some guy handed me a knife and told me to ‘play the violin’. I wasn’t even holding a violin! Weird.

11th January

Have switched to another booklet called ‘Fat Burn’. This should give me better results in no time. Of course, I can’t expect overnight results - it’s better for your body to go down in weight gradually. Jamie and his girlfriend have invited me to go to the pub with them. It’s weird sitting in a pub and only drinking cranberry juice, but I guess I’ll get used to it.

13th January

Have decided to cut out my morning jog on days I go to the gym. Anyway, I’m always knackered on those days after a few hours of working out. But at least I’m getting all the protein I need. Sarah asked me if I’d help her move into her new apartment next week. I said yes, as she’s in the same building and it should give me a chance to exercise my arm muscles.

14th January

Had another really weird dream last night. There was something racing up behind me, but I didn’t hear its footsteps, and then it threw itself onto my back. It felt like a gigantic glob of melted marshmallow. Also I woke up with a start, so it took me a while to calm down and get back to sleep. Went to the gym again, but didn’t do as well. Maybe it’s the heat. I’ll try again tomorrow.

15th January

Still feeling really worn out at the gym. Talked to Jamie about it and he said to check the leaflet that comes with my medication. Nothing there, but my health supplements can apparently cause muscle pain and fatigue with long term use. Funny, that! I’ll stop taking them.

20th January

Well, I’ve had mixed results this last week. I’m having some good workouts again and can definitely see some definition in my arms and legs. But my stomach looks the same as ever, and the set of scales tell me my body fat percentage is going UP! How can that be? Sarah’s told me not to think about it too much and sent me a set of abdominal exercises I can do at home. Moving her into the building went well - my arms are definitely stronger. Must be from using that machine at the gym where you pull on a rope for 20 minutes.

26th January

Still exercising and everything, but have been having those weird globby dreams for nights at a time. Today I went out with friends to a restaurant and had some Italian food. It tasted PHENOMENAL. But so many calories! And probably saturated fat too. I’ll have to work it off tomorrow.

27th January

My appetite has increased. That might be my medication acting up or possibly the fact I’ve been eating rabbit food and drinking only protein milkshakes for the last month. I mean, the milkshakes help, but they have such an ugly metallic taste. I’m still trying to stick to healthy foods, but polished off a whole two pots of cottage cheese today. Good job they’re pretty low in everything!

30th January

Those dreams have been keeping me up all night. Am too tired to go to the gym. Tried some of the abs exercises Sarah sent me.

3rd February

My stomach is STILL the same size! Sometimes it seems to stick out further than my chest! Was so weirded out by it today that I got a pregnancy test from in town, but of course it came up negative. Did some ab stuff and then lay on the sofa eating Ryvita cracker after Ryvita cracker. I hoped their dryness and grainy goodness would fill me up, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

4th February

Went to the gym for a serious workout. I did really well - two hours doing cardio and strength exercises - then my vision got a bit spotty, so I walked back home. Sarah invited me to hers and we had tea and biscuits. Having biscuits is OK as I can work it off later. She told me the nightmares would probably go away by themselves, that she got them too and it was perfectly normal. Also she asked me if the room looked bigger or smaller since I last came, but I can’t really remember!

7th Feburary

I haven’t done any exercise in three days! I’ve got no excuse. Have just been bingeing on food. Maybe I’ve been feeling so weak because I’ve been trying too hard to eat healthily. I could do better at the gym if I ate like a normal person and had a treat now and then. And everything tastes so DELICIOUS!

8th February

Tried to go for a jog but I got upset by my bouncing belly. Walked back home and winced whenever I saw my reflection in a shop window. I look like that little Buddha guy wearing joggers.

10th February

These nightmares and food cravings are seriously getting on my nerves. In last night’s dream the globby thing on my back was whispering stuff to me, like ‘FAT IS FAT CRYING, KEEP CRYING’ and nonsensical phrases like that. I’d book an appointment with my GP but it takes a couple of weeks to get seen around here. The service is so bad.

11th February

Gym stuff didn’t go so well. I actually thought I was going to throw up on the cross-trainer thing. Bought some bonbons on the way home (the packet said ‘Perfect for sharing’ - ha!) and ate them in front of the TV. Phoned Jamie for a while and he tried to lift my mood. He said we’d go shopping for a blender tomorrow so I can make my own smoothies.

12th February

When I woke up in the night it looked like the walls were moving away from me. Pretty weird. Called Jamie to cancel our shopping trip and stayed inside binge-eating again. Did some sit-ups afterwards, even though they were kind of futile by this point. Have decided to come off my medication for a week and see if my symptoms decrease. If they do I’ll get an appointment with my GP.

13th February

I actually cried when I saw my stomach this morning. Decided to book a doctor’s appointment ahead of time and took yesterday’s chicken out of the fridge. I was so hungry I started gnawing the meat off the bones and didn’t even stop when I heard a crunch in my mouth. Looks like I’m doomed to be fat then! Brilliant. WELL DONE ME. This evening I fucking ordered takeaway because why not, and then I did body crunches and squats and planks and push-ups until I vomited. And then I finished my takeaway.

15th February

Managed to get a same-day appointment with my GP by calling them at 8am. She seemed surprised at how much weight I’d put on. I mentioned the increased appetite and the weird dreams. She asked me if I’d stopped exercising and I admitted I had. She chalked it up to poor life choices on my part - CHARMING! - and said if this continues, to come back and she’d ease me off my medication and onto a similar one. I went for an angry jog in the afternoon, but surprisingly that didn’t make the jogging easier. I felt knackered, like I was carrying a huge backpack on my back. Had to stop. Had to eat something.

17th February

More nightmares. I hate that globby thing in my dreams and how heavy it makes me feel. Told Sarah about it and she seemed concerned, but also kind of quiet and drawn into herself.

18th February

Good news, I managed a jog this morning and ten minutes of cardio at the gym, though it nearly killed me. Bad news, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so much food in my life! Every time I felt like I’d eaten too much or was about to be sick, this little voice told me to drink a glass of Coke, or eat a handful of cleansing grapes, and I was ready to go again. Now I’m in bed and I have shooting pains up the side of my stomach. Might be because my period is due. I hope so. I really hope so.

19th February

Ate a big breakfast to prepare for the gym, even though I know I’m not going, and drank a protein shake before I threw up. I went into town today and got another pregnancy test, since my period is late and I’m now convinced the first one was wrong. My stomach is huge and round and hard and disgusting. If I am pregnant, at least I can get off this medication and maybe go back to normal. Ate some food all the way home and laughed when I thought to myself ‘I’ll work this off’. As if that was still happening!

20th February

Am feeling nauseous and depressed. Don’t know if this is due to going for days without the medication, or all the food, or the nightmares, or what. Last night’s bad dream was the worst yet. I’d become something white and thick and sticky, and I kept swelling and swelling and pressing against the walls. Still need to take the pregnancy test. I’m going to have Jamie on the phone so I can tell him the results.

24th February

I’m in hospital. Jamie said he heard me screaming on the phone, so he rushed over to mine and called an ambulance. I have a gastrointestinal perforation in my stomach. They’re not sure what caused it yet. Have had some surgery. Not feeling well. Throat hurts.

25th February

Have been recovering somewhat. My friends have visited and left me some things, including this diary and a punnett of grapes from Sarah, except she’d already eaten them. Jamie said it was hard to find the diary in my flat because there were takeaway boxes and stuff lying all over the place. I haven’t told any of the doctors about the bad dreams I’ve been having, since I’ve been off my medication - they might think I’m doolalley. But I can remember the last one - and this hazy image of my blood-spattered bathroom, with something like a glob of marshmallow, oozing its way across the floor and out of sight.