User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Steve Wilkos Show Lost Episode

I've heard the phrase "so bad it's good" multiple times in my life, but haven't really seen anything that could be classified as that in my book. Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you something so stupid that it transcends being garbage and ends up being hilarious. I present "The Steve Wilkos Show Lost Episode," a lost episode story that misrepresents the law system and probably misrepresents Steve Wilkos. But by the Preservers, it's funny. So, let's have a random talk show audience, and Riff this bitch.

Hello. My name is Russell Godwin “and I’m an alcoholic”. I'm still one of the camera men for the Steve Wilkos Show as of 2013. I can remember that day working as a camera man for the Steve Wilkos show, receiving $8.50 hour, ''Yep, about a $1.25 over minimum wage. Yippee.'' including take home pay which was pretty sweet. Of all the guests on Mr Wilkos's show, one that was really disturbing, that still makes my blood run cold and lead him to take matters into his own hands. Ok, that last sentence was weird and made no sense.

This guest made every child molester, deadbeat parent, baby killer, rapist, abusive spouse, and hardened criminal look harmless. What, did you have Mel Gibson on? It was a chilly November night in Chicago, and I was looking forward to it being Friday and going home to my wife and daughter.

 The one thing I had on my mind was taking them out to dinner and watching some movies we ordered through Netflix. “Daddy, why are we watching Epic Movie?” “Because you need to be punished.” Now before I continue on with this guest, I want to let everyone know on behalf of Mr. Wilkos, executive producers Jerry Springer and Rachelle Wilkos, I would like to say that because  police didn't do anything about this felon, Mr. Wilkos resorted to vigilante justice. ''Steve Wilkos as a vigilante? That…that sounds awesome.''

 The topic of the episode was called "I Gave You Drugs, And Erased Your life. The Charlie Sheen Story" It dealt with a psychopathic young man who gave powerful narcotics to random women for monetary gain and rob them blind not only of their material possessions, but their memories and lives. ''Once again, that sounds interesting. Why not just have that character alone?'' Not killing them, just robbing them of their freedom and stealing their virginity. What a thief. I will give you a transcript of the episode which is below... Steve: Welcome to the show. “Prepare to die.” My guest with me at this time is Anthony. And, Anthony, why are you here? ''“I don’t know. You told me to come here or my family would die.”'' [The guest appears as an emaciated Korean-American young man between 20-25 years old, up to mid 30s, with long raven hair, black hoodie, Why does every Creepypasta monster/evil character have a hoodie. black sweat pants, and sneakers ''Sneakers? No. He should wear flip flops.''] Anthony: Well, Steve, in 2009, I robbed an ex girlfriend of mine money she was saving towards getting a vehicle and used her as my own personal sex toy. He’s so calm about this. Truth of the matter is, I felt bad about it afterwards. Why is he so calm if he feels bad? [Anthony gets a weird look from Steve The “Let’s go to the bedroom” look] Steve: Um, because of what you told me, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand up. ''I don’t watch the Steve Wilkos Show, but I’m pretty sure that never happens. I call shenanigans.'' Anthony: Yes, sir. [Steve moves chair away as Anthony stands up] Steve: You know, of all the guests I had on my show, you are by far, the most polite and cooperative. Or most poorly written. Anthony: Thank you. Steve: So, Anthony, you called in the show, correct? Anthony: No, sir, my mother did. ''Ha, mama’s boy. Bet he lives in his mom’s basement.'' Steve: Your mother? “Is fat.” Anthony: Yes, sir. Steve: Is your mother here in the building? [An unrecognizble Korean-american woman speaks off screen, camera pans to her, revealing the woman to be in the audience So that’s a no.]

Unknown: That would be me. DUN DUN DUNNNN! Steve: And you're Anthony's mom-- Nara? Nara: “Bitch, I might be.” Yes, Mr. Wilkos. Steve: Mom, may I invite you up on stage? Nara: “Fuck no.” Certainly. [Nara is lead up on stage by one of the security guards of the studio] Steve: I'm going to get you a chair so you can sit, okay? [A stage hand brings Steve a chair for Anthony's mother to sit in] Nara: Thank you. [Nara sits to make herself comfortable while her son stands] Steve: Okay. Mom, you called the show, spoke with my producers, and from what you told me, you're here to clear your son's name? Nara: “No, I’m here to rock and roll.” Yes, Mr. Wilkos. Steve: Can you tell me more about this, please? Nara: Yes. Anthony had stolen money from an ex girlfriend of his. Money she was saving toward getting a vehicle, to feed his habit. Great job clearing his name!

Steve: Right. Nara: On many occasions, he would give her Sherm-- that's embalming fluid mixed with marijuana, and he would also have a friend mix in cocaine with pot to create another cocktail. ''Yummy. ''After what happened, he called me up that night, crying, said he felt guilty for what he had done and was scared of going to the police. Steve: Why is that? Nara: “Because he’s a disappointment to the family.” My son has the mentality-- and I don't mean to speak badly of him, because it's true. He has the mentality of a 5-year-old child. “He’s a moron.” He doesn't know what he's doing half the time, and his mental illness is to blame. Or IS IT? So when I explained that to the local police department, they left Anthony alone. ''Really? REALLY? I’m sure they’d bring him to an institution or something.'' Steve: I understand where you're coming from, and you being a real nice lady and a devoted mother. I can see that no parent would want to see their child convicted of any crime, let alone in jail, and your devotion is unsurpassed. Any parent who loves their child that much would go to great lengths to keep them from being sentenced. “Well, except for you.” Nara: I know my son has done some horrible stuff in his time, but I still love and care about him nonetheless. People may hate him, but deep in his heart he's still a good boy. ''Yes, a good boy who uses women as his own person sex toys. '' Steve: If all mothers were like you, Nara, I think the world would be a better place. Mom, if I may, I would like to continue. So we're gonna send you back stage. ''Do I want to know what they’re doing backstage? '' Nara: Okay. [Nara is lead off stage by studio team members, presumably to the green room] Steve: You know, it's a damn shame that a woman-- a loving mother like yours, would give birth to a piece of crap like you. And, you being inhumanly polite, being all nice and buddy-buddy with me... something isn't right. From the looks of things, it sounds to me like you came into the studio high.

Anthony: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’” I was extremely nervous and had to smoke a joint, man.

Steve (strictly): Alright, first off, you don't call me "man," man. You call me "Steve," damn it. “I AM STEVE, PEASANT!” I ain't one of your stoner buddies, pal.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Anthony: I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Steve: That's what I like to hear. So anyway, your mother told me that you gave your ex-girlfriend Sherm. ''“You’ve been a very naughty boy, Anthony. You need a spanking.”'' And you know, if it was real embalming fluid, she-- your ex-girlfriend, would have been dead.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Anthony: It was actually liquid PCP. Steve: And this was in your possession? Well, duh.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Anthony: No, sir. I got this from a friend of mine, who also helped me brew a cocaine/pot cocktail.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Steve: You were totally unaware of the health hazards of this while you were giving it to her? Anthony: I wasn't at the time, I was high and wasn't thinking straight. Steve: So you had no regard for her life and decided to give these narcotics to her anyway? Anthony (yelling): I never said I wanted to kill her! Ah, but you implied it. Steve (now angry): BUT YOU CONTINUED! DID YOU NOT CARE IF SHE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL?! IN THE GUTTER? LAYING DEAD SOMEWHERE?! Anthony (screaming): IT WASN'T IN MY NATURE TO KILL HER! ''Wasn’t in his nature? Who says that?'' I LOVED HER! Steve (more bitter): OH YEAH, A REAL KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR GIVING HIS FARE ''You mean fair. ''MAIDEN DRUGS THAT WOULD'VE EVENTUALLY KILLED HER! IF YOU REALLY LOVED HER, YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THAT! “IF YOU REALLY LOVED HER, YOU’D ONLY GIVE HER DRUGS THAT WOULD INJURE HER!” Anthony: I STILL CARED ABOUT HER EVEN IF I WAS HIGH OR NOT! Steve: If that was my daughter and I found out what you had done, I would've made sure your ass payed ''Ugh. Paid.'' for it! I WOULD'VE GONE TO YOUR CRAP SHACK MYSELF AND BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU! [cooling down, still angry] And I sure as hell wouldn't be the one to let you off the hook because mommy or daddy didn't want to see their little boy suffer. Ok, I have a question: Is Steve Wilkos usually this angry? Anthony: My father never cared about me, so even if it mattered that I went to prison, or a FUCKING DETENTION CENTER, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! ''His father never cared about him, and now he doesn’t give a shit about going to prison? Logic!'' Steve: Let me tell you something, Anthony... If you were my son, and thank God you're not, I would've made sure your ass went to rehab and stayed there. Prison would be too merciful a fate for you. Anthony: More power to ya. HE HAS THE POWWWWWEEEEEER!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Steve: When we return, we're gonna read the results of your lie detector test. We'll be right back. [Audience applauds, cut to commercial break]

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">I felt so much anger and hostility coming from Steve, almost as if he wanted to kill Anthony himself. If I were in Mr. Wilkos's shoes, I'd put the stoner loser out of his misery, too. During the commercial break, Anthony noticed me and tried to engage in conversation with me during the break. Something I did not want to be a part of. This is what transpired... "No hard feelings?" Anthony asked. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I replied. He means that he doesn’t want you to be angry at him. "Come on. You're still not upset over me stealing from Stephanie are you?" Stephanie is my daughter's name. Anthony did not know she was related to me. ''Or did he? DUN DUN DUNNNN!'' "Well, let's see. After your little meat puppet ass bandits Johnny and Alan promised me I would be the new lead singer of Hell's Asylum, them stealing and ultimately plagiarizing lyrics I wrote, I say I'm perfectly fine." ''Wait, what? Where did this come from?'' I was sarcastic. No, really? But he was too fucking oblivious to notice. "As long as everything is okay. Sorry I didn't introduce myself to your aunt, I did not mean to be rude that night." Anthony said. "Are you high or just brain dead? Both. Everything I said was true, and you're trying to let bygones be bygones? Piss off." I was so irritated. He left a very irritable aura in the studio. Yeah, because auras of irritation are thing here. It wasn't visible on their faces, but I can tell that besides the production staff, producers, security guards,  the studio audience wanted to put Anthony out of his misery. They wanted a piece of him like a pack of rabid bulldogs wanting to tear a steak to shreds. I, myself, wanted more than anything to see him in the obituaries. Dude, calm down. But right now, me being behind the camera helped me maintain my composure. Here is part two of the transcript. [Steve Wilkos Show logo fades in, transition to stage] Steve: Welcome back. We're gonna view the results of Anthony's lie detector test. But first, “let me take a selfie.” let's bring Nara-- Anthony's mom, back out. [Nara comes back on stage, the audience applauds]

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Steve: Thanks for coming back out, Mom. I trust you were comfortable in the green room? Nara: ''“No. Everything in there is uncomfortable as hell.”'' Yes. Thank you very much. Steve [calmed down]: I understand you didn't want to hear anything being shouted to your son and I figured that the green room was the perfect place. I did this for you because you are a wonderful lady, and the world needs more moms like you. ''Actually, Creepypasta stories need more good parents. Seriously, most parents in these stories suck.'' We're now going to read Anthony's lie detector results. [Steve gets envelope containing lie detector result papers, opens the envelope] Nara: Win or lose, I will still love you, son. Five minutes later, his mom hates his guts. Steve: Anthony, you have a wonderful mother. Don't take her for granted. [reads the page] Here are your results. Anthony, you were asked during your relationship with your now ex-girlfriend Stephanie, did you sleep with other women? You said no. Actually, he said, “Hos.”    You were asked during your time as an audio mixer for the now-defunct death metal band Hell's Asylum, did you embezzle money up front to feed your drug habit? You said no. You were asked when Stephanie was under the influence of drugs, were you planning on letting your best friend rape her? You said no. You were also asked did you plan on killing your ex-girlfriend if she threatened to turn you into the police? You said no. And the results of your lie detector test is... You did not tell the truth. ''GASP! WHAT A TWIST!'' [Audience boos] Anthony: I never said that I was going to kill her if she called the police on me! I WAS HIGH, I SAID STUPID STUFF! You’re still saying stupid stuff. Steve: High or not, YOU WERE PLANNING TO KILL HER! SHE LOVED YOU AND YOU RUINED HER LIFE! Anthony: I didn't ruin her life! I MADE TOO MANY DUMB DECISIONS! BLAME MY FATHER! ''Why? '' Steve: I'm getting so sick and tired of you playing the blame game! YOUR FATHER'S REAL PROUD OF YOU! I'VE HEARD TOO MANY EXCUSES! GET THE HELL OFF MY STAGE! [Thunderous applauds from the audience as Steve orders Anthony to exit his stage. Camera cuts to Steve talking to Anthony's mom backstage] Nara: I am so sorry about my son, Mr. Wilkos. “He’ll get a good beating when we get home.” Steve: You do not have to be sorry, mom. I know this must be difficult for you to accept the fact that Anthony done something wrong. But one thing you have shown is endless love and devotion through a difficult time. I pray that things will work out for the better, and as far as I'm concerned, the only thing you have to worry about, the one thing you have to focus on is the love for your child. I have never seen a parent love their child so much and you've shown that tonight. Steve, do you want to do naughty things with Nara?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">Nara: I really appreciate that. And as I mentioned to my son before, that win or lose, I will still love him. Steve: Listen, if you need anything else, you call me and I will help you any way I can. Nara: God bless you, Mr. Wilkos. [hugs Steve] They gonna fuck. [Steve hugs back, credits roll] As the credits rolled and the show went off the air. Everyone was ready to leave. And so am I! Bye! It was already 11:30 at night, and the audience members going back home. Some who took a trip to Chicago returned to their hotels. Nara went back to her hotel room after Anthony said he would meet her there. Before I left for the night, I headed into the green room with one of the camera men to have a beer.'' Did he read “Sonic.exe”? ''God knows I needed one after the night I had.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">A few minutes later, as I was about to get a ride in the limo with Steve, his wife Rachelle, and Jerry Springer himself, we noticed that the parking garage that we were in was almost pitch black except for the gleam of the city lights beaming through the openings of the levels. As I stood trying to figure out what was the cause of the lights flickering on and off The Hash Slinging Slasher! and ending up pitch black, I smelled a lingering stench. It smelled like fried cat shit. I knew that smell. It was pot. ''I’ve got to fry cat shit to see if you’re right. For now, I call shenanigans.'' Was someone getting stoned after dark? A homeless man perhaps? Steve got a text on his cell phone which read: "YOUR WIFE IS GONNA LIKE THE COCKTAIL I'M GONNA GIVE HER." Out of context, that sounds soooooo wrong. That was Anthony. Was he asking for a death sentence? Provoking Steve Wilkos on stage was one thing, but doing it when the show goes off the air, that's a dance with the devil. ''Don’t fuck with Steve Wilkos. He’ll kick your ass.''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><span lang="EN" style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN">"Where is he? WHERE'S THAT RAT BASTARD AT?!" Mr. Wilkos asked, screaming at the top of his lungs. His face looked beet-red and there was a vein on his forehead that was about to explode. I have never seen Steve this angry not since the Devil Mom segment. Devil Mom: A Pro-Abortion Tale. This was personal. "What's wrong, Steve?" Jerry Springer asked, with a look of concern on his face. He could tell something was wrong, and he's been really good friends with Mr. Wilkos for a lot of years. "Remember tonight's guest?" "yeah, that Anthony kid. What about him?" Springer replied. "Look what the little shithead SENT ME!" “He sent you nudes?” Steve showed his phone to Springer. "Oh my God." "If that asshole lays a hand on Rachelle, I'M GONNA MAKE SURE HE'S PUSHING UP FUCKING DAISIES!" Not just any daisies, but fucking daisies. Steve shouted. He pounded the trunk of a random car out of anger. He looked an executioner ready to perform his brutal task. His wife Rachelle tried to calm her husband down, but all to no avail. He was going to defend his wife one way or the other. Just then, another text message appeared on Steve's phone. "RUBY WILL LIKE MY NEW ORGANIC GREEN CANDY." Well, at least his threats are eco-friendly. Ruby is Steve's 10-year-old daughter (born 2003). He had told me and everyone else on the set so many times that he would kill anyone who dared mess with his children. Especially his daughter. “He doesn’t care as much about his son, though.” I, myself, know Ruby and Steve's son Jack. They call me Uncle Russell because I grew so close to the Wilkos family since 2003. I call shenanigans. I considered Jack & Ruby my godchildren and I felt the tension and animosity coming from Steve himself. The very thought of Anthony turning Ruby into a junkie at age 10, and subjecting her to white slavery ''White slavery? What the…?'' made my blood run hot. I felt the adrenaline freeze in my body over the thought of poor little Ruby being drugged and molested by this fucking stoner prick. Steve went to a nearby police car where a fellow police officer friend of his was sitting and asked for the Mossberg 590 shotgun that was secured up front between the driver and passenger's side seat where officers would sit. ''Steve Wilkos owns the police. STEVE WILKOS IS YOUR GOD NOW!'' When his police officer friend asked what was going on, Steve confirmed that Anthony was about to meet his maker. He wasn't going to kill him for personal gain, it wasn't gonna be out of profit, duty, or fun. This was personal. At that moment, his cop friend knew that Steve was going to exact vigilante justice on him because the Denver Police Department let a psycho go free and committing sexual solicitation against multitudes of women for monetary gain, and possible child molestation. You do understand the vigilante justice is illegal, right? The Denver Police Department didn't do a damn thing to convict Anthony all because of his mother crying and pleading not to let cops arrest her son. Anthony is from Colorado by the way, but originally from the Carolinas. I have family that live in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Thank you for that important piece of information. So after Anthony found out what had happened, he left North Carolina, out of fear of being caught by police and went back to Colorado. "I swear to God, if you so much as lay a finger on my wife and daughter, I'LL KILL YOUR SORRY ASS!" ''I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!'' Steve shouted, his voice echoing through out the parking garage. Anthony didn't respond. Steve's officer friend stood guard at the parking garage exit. He also called the Chicago PD to secure the area to make sure Anthony didn't escape. Wait, the cops are actually letting him do this? Steve's cop friend, let's call him Jacob, explained that Steve had to carry out vigilante justice because Anthony had pretty much ruined Stephanie's life and stole from her. ''Yeah, I’m calling more than shenanigans here. I’m calling bullshit.'' Steve knew that because Stephanie is my daughter. And since 2009, I wanted nothing more than to hear him beg for his life. Leaving an apology on someone's facebook page-- my daughter's facebook page wasn't going to seal the deal and make sure everything was okay. Why my daughter forgave that sorry sack of shit and prevented me from killing him, I'll never know. This had to be done. He could not get away with this any longer. Anthony needed to die. That's all there is to it. Fuck giving a person a second chance and turning over a new leaf. ''Screw second chances and making amends! Death is the only answer!'' This was personal. "This is going to get ugly." Springer said. I agreed with him. "WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OUT AND SHOW YOURSELF, YOU LITTLE PUSSY?! YOU THINK THAT MESSING WITH THOSE I LOVE, AND RUSSELL'S DAUGHTER GOING TO PROVE ANYTHING? YOU THINK IT'S GONNA PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE JUST LIKE A FUCKING 5-YEAR-OLD CHILD WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER AND YOU JUST WANT TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED?!" Steve exploded into a violent, hate-filled tirade. ''Don’t make Steve Wilkos angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.'' "Let's face it, Anthony. YOU HIDE BEHIND A BLACK HOODY JUST SO PEOPLE WON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR UGLY JET-LI-LOOKING MUG Actually, he wears a black hoodie because a lot of Creepypasta characters wear hoodies. AND YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE. THE REASON WHY HELL'S ASYLUM BROKE UP IS BECAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO BE AROUND YOUR GREASY, ANOREXIC, POT-SMOKING, COCK-SUCKING ASS! YOU CLAIM TO BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST AUDIO MIXER AND ROADIE FOR A BAND THAT NO ONE WILL SEE, BUT IN REALITY, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SCARED LITTLE BOY TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A 29-YEAR-OLD MAN! YOU'RE A POSER! Wow, poser. What a burn. COME ON OUT, YOU FUCKING COWARD!" A loud scream reverberated. It was the scream of a woman. Mary Jane, get out of here. The scream belonged to Steve's wife Rachelle. Steve raced up the stairs to the top of the parking garage to find his wife bound and only in bra and panties. She was going to be drugged and viciously raped. Oh, I thought it was the Bondage Catalogue Photo Shoot. There was another man along with Anthony. He was a scraggly-looking young white male who appeared to be younger than Anthony, and smoking a cocaine mixed joint to give him some courage. Anthony handed his friend an empty medical syringe. The kind of syringes you would get with an insulin kit. As compared to other syringes you wouldn’t get with an insulin kit. "Steve," Anthony's friend called out, high "So glad you could join us. We were just having a little fun." I’m pretty sure his wife wasn’t having any fun. "Get away from my wife or I'm gonna blow your fucking head off." "Relax, Mr. Wilkos," the friend responded. "Your wife is just fine. We're not gonna let anything happen to her." I call shenanigans. "HELP ME, STEVE! HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!" Rachelle screamed. I saw visible goosebumps on her skin and she was looking very pale from the chilly night weather. It is a wonder she didn't succumb to hypothermia. "Tell you what, Steve. Just slide the gun over to me, and I'll let your wife go without a scratch. How's that?" The friend responded. "She's not gonna get hurt, Mr. Wilkos," Anthony said, "We're just having a little fun." That doesn’t seem very fun. "The only place I would rather see you have fun at is in hell, Well, hell is pretty fun. They have a nice playground. you sorry sack of crap." Steve replied, menacingly. "Don't make it hard on yourself, Mr. Wilkos," the friend said, "Just slide me the shotgun and you can have your wife back." "Or how about this? I put one right between your eyes and I take my wife back?" How to Bargain the Steve Wilkos Way. "See this, Steve? This syringe is full of liquid cocaine and liquid pot extract. You try anything funny, this shot will go right into your wife. It won't kill her, she'll just have a full-blown drug trip and have no memory of what happened." ''So, to her, nothing will have happened. I don’t see why that’s very bad.'' Around the corner of the parking garage's elevator exterior, I grabbed a fire extinguisher that was on a wall. I wasn't going to put any fires out, no way. ''Gasp! What a shock!'' i was going to do something entirely different... "And you say you're gonna turn my wife over to me... without a scratch, correct?" Steve asked, calmly. "That's right. Just hand me the shotgun and she'll go free. I promise you." Steve slid the Mossberg 590 shotgun over to the friend, Good job, Jacob! and in his drug-induced state, untied Rachelle. Rachelle ran into her husband's arms, crying, Jerry Springer taking his sport coat off and giving it to her so she can keep warm. "I should warn you." Anthony's friend reminded Steve. "What?" "Your wife will be unable to sleep for the next 15 days." "What the hell did you do to her?!" Give her hormone therapy? "I gave her a meth pill." "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Just as Steve was about to go ballistic and beat the crap out of Anthony's friend, the friend picked up the Mossberg 590 shotgun and aimed it at Steve. And said these words... "When I said I would give you her back without a scratch, I meant without any bodily harm done. Not clean. You didn’t bathe her? You monster! She went steady with my stash and loved every minute of it. Now, YOU back away before I kill you." I snuck up behind Anthony's friend out of nowhere and hit him over the head with the fire extinguisher as hard as I could, knocking him out. If I had killed him, it wouldn't have mattered. ''Yep, just say that at your trial. ''I tossed the shotgun back at Steve. I knew what he had to do. "Thanks, Russ." Steve said, reclaiming the shotgun. He looked to Anthony who still doesn't have a clue what the hell was going on, because of years of smoking pot ruining his brain. Wait, so this was one big anti-drug PSA? "You killed my friend." Prepare to die. Anthony said, speaking as though he were a 5-year-old kid who just saw his puppy get run over by a car and not knowing what to do. "We were just having a little fun, and you kill him." "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Steve shouted. "He didn't have to die. He was my best friend and you killed him," Anthony protested "He wasn't going to rape her!" “We were just playing strip poker.” "YOU DON'T STRIP A WOMAN DOWN TO HER BRA AND PANTIES AND SAY THAT YOU AREN'T GONNA RAPE HER DAMN IT!" "YOU THINK I LIKE BEING THIS WAY?! YOU THINK I LIKE BEING MENTALLY ILL?!! Maybe? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HALF THE TIME!" Anthony screamed. "I'VE HEARD ENOUGH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Steve approached him. He now had his shotgun pointed at him. "You know what, Anthony? I want to kill you so badly I can hardly contain myself." "What good will killing me do? I'm pretty much sick to death of my life anyway." Anthony replied in a child-like tone. If you’re so sick to death, then why are you convincing him not to kill you? "For one, you won't be able to sexually solicit and abuse women for money, and you won't be contaminating the rest of the world with your offspring. “For another, because I feel like killing someone today.” I feel sorry for your mother giving birth to a scumbag like you. Let me tell you something, pal. You kidnapping and drugging my wife isn't my idea of fun. I would say something like, “Well, clearly you don’t know what fun is,” but that doesn’t seem very fun. You ruined a lot of women's lives.  YOU STOLE FROM THEM! YOU RUINED STEPHANIE'S LIFE, DAMN IT! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!" "What do you want me to do then?" Not women. Anthony asked, his child-like tone still present, but his face growing into a more psychotic look. "I want to see you beg for your life... I want to hear you scream at me not to murder your ass and watch your brains splatter all over the asphalt of this parking garage floor. If his brains are out of out his head, I don’t think he’ll be able to see. I really don't care about how much of a good boy your mommy claims you to be. I'm not gonna spare you. Not at all. None of your whores are gonna miss you because they didn't want nothing to do with you. Prison would be too merciful a fate for you... so I'm gonna see to it that you die. Goodbye, Anthony. GET THE HELL OFF THIS EARTH!" Steve pulled the trigger of the shotgun, and at that moment, Anthony's brains were splattered everywhere and his head was blown clean off his shoulders. Anthony was dead, Jim. Steve held his crying wife Rachelle close, comforting her. Because of the meth she ingested, she had to seek medical care. No charges or arrests were made against Steve. I’m sure some charges could be made against him. His police officer friend had vouched for him and confirmed that since Anthony was never going to be captured by the police, Steve had to take matters into his own hands. This isn’t how the law works, you know. I patted Steve on the shoulder, seeing him settle down from the stress he endured. I don't blame him. It's already 12:45 AM and I'm just about on my way home to see my wife and daughter. Like Steve, I, too, would kill anyone who would dare hurt my daughter. I have a feeling that Anthony's mom is going to apologize to the press and police for her son being mentally ill. ''“Sorry that my son is a retard. It won’t happen again.”'' I just know this is going to be on the front of the local newspaper. If someone hurts your family or friends, or ends up stealing the innocence from your child, or rape your wife/girlfriend, and police don't do nothing about it, that's why there is vigilante justice. ''You know that vigilantism is illegal, right? Well, it is unless you wear a skintight costume.''

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">END RIFF (Yeah, I'm adding this part to make it easier to tell when the Riff itself is over. I would separate the Riff and the ending comments via spacing, but it doesn't show up when I preview it. Weird)

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">First, sorry for the weird spacing of the Riff. It was awkwardly spaced originally, and ended up being awkwardly spaced here. And as for the story itself, it's bad. The dialogue sucks, the plot is kind of stupid, and this story promotes vigilantism. Yes, because vigilantism is always the answer. Logic!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">I will say a few good things. First, it wasn't terrible spelling/grammar wise. Second, it's funny as hell. And...ok, that's it. So, this sucks, but it's a fun kind of sucking. (Ok, that came out very wrong.)

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal">So, what do you guys think? Was story funny? Was the Riff funny? Do you wish a talk show host would become a vigilante and kill me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.