Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33937557-20180603171940/@comment-5733573-20180604211228

I like the idea. I knew something was wrong the second the "crocodiles" were revealed to be "candy." Most of the story is very enjoyable, save for a few awkward sentences and grammatical things.

Where it loses its way is toward the end. If the story takes place, more or less, over the course of 24 hours, how did Jimmy get more of the "candy?" Secondly, no parent who has just discovered their child dead is going to call the parents of another child within the same day. Finally, the revelation of the drug is done in a way that doesn't match the style of the rest of the story. Up until that point, it had a delightful, ultra-innocent Leave It To Beaver vibe going on, but when you started listing drugs and ruling things out, it came straight into the 21st century. Maybe it could be the type of thing that the narrator only discovers years later as an adult when he starts to investigate what happened to his friend?