Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-4998996-20150101094446/@comment-25941663-20150106151426

Not exactly creepy and it sure needs some editing (especially in the first few paragraphs). At times your phrasing was a bit awkward.

But despite that, I have to say I kinda liked the story. It is a good premise and I think the story has plenty of potential.

I really felt that Lloyd was a very sympathetic character and you should have focused a bit more on him. Maybe make him a more intergral part of the story? As is, he feels like wasted potential and space, not having a real purpose in the story.

On a final note, I would have liked the final confrontation to be a bit more fleshed out. It felt rushed. Personally, I would have put the event that traumatized the son in a flashback like scene. This, in my opinion, would have more of an impact than sneaking the event between sentences.

Overally, I think that you should try once more with the story. After a good rewrite and some editing, it could (possibly) get accepted on the wiki.