Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30771515-20170122072219/@comment-28428152-20170123033217

Hmmm... I would love to see more. This seems like it could be the introduction for a novel. As far as criticism goes, there were a few clunky parts and the wording could have been better in a few places. I would suggest explaining the story of Angelica before anything else, as her sudden description breaks the flow of the story a bit. Also, I would suggest using a little less slang in the narration and saving it for the dialogue. I don't really have a good explanation why, but I've found that to help. If you did make it a novel though, I think you should maybe start from Angelica's traumas, and then flash forward to maybe the day before all the shit hit the fan. The whole 'demonic voice' thing is a little bit cliché as well, and maybe it would be even creepier if Baphomet just kept using her voice, maybe without any emotion at all except rage and ridicule.

Also, try to avoid using such phrases as "In the setting of the story," and instead use something like "at that point in time" or "after that". It just sounds better. Also, since this is a short story, I think you should leave out some of the unnecessary detail about the Christmas decorations, as they arrnt very relevant to the plot abd it distracts from the main conflict. A short story needs to be concise and to the point because, well, its short.

I did really enjoy this story, though, and I think it would be a great basis for a series. Hope these tips helped. 👍🐠🐠🐠