Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26441476-20150718023106/@comment-26007602-20150718190540

This needs a proofread. There is missing punctuation, improper capitalization, and spacing issues throughout the story, so much that it hinders the reading of the story. You also need to create a new paragraph every time dialogue changes speaker.

This story lacks build up and the villain is lacking as well. The skeleton dude just waits in an alley for people to stumble across it? That's his motivation? He needs more. Does he try to lure people down there? Is there a reason he haunts the alleyway? The fact that he just waits there is fairly lame and illogical. Why doesn't he walk the streets? Why is he arbitrarily tied to the alley? You need to slow down. Give the villain some character and flesh him out a bit more.

As for lacking build up, you need to flesh this out more. The chain of events goes from guy walks into an alley, sees some guy there, goes home, dies. There's no description, details, or tension in between. The character has no reaction to any of the events (he just sees a dude with glowing eyes and doesn't think twice). Speaking of the character, "Willy", he's incredibly bland and has no personality. All I know is that he drinks and is losing his children (probably because he's a loser). He doesn't do anything that would make me relate or be sympathetic towards him, so I care not at all when he dies

Finally, some sections of this story seem quite ridiculous and don't make sense in a serious story. This guy has a raccoon for a pet? Really? I don't think that's even legal. It makes no sense and just paints this guy as a loser. The fact that Mr. Black is reading Fifty Shades of Gray makes no sense either. It doesn't add to his character, the book has no reason for beig, and it seems borderline trollpasta for that to be there. This is supposed to be a serious story, correct?

You need to keep working on this. The ending is far too abrupt; you shouldn't kill the protagonist in one sentence and then immediately end the story. Hope this helps.