Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20150210181852/@comment-25226524-20150210184621

Ha. Well I actually like the concept, but the delivery needs a lot of work. There are numerous mistakes throughout the story that make it hard to read. If you read this out-loud it will help you notice when something doesn't sound quite right. Your dialogue isn't very natural, so I would suggest doing some reading of dialogue from other stories. Stories from the Suggested Reading category would be a good place to start.

When you said, "and went each other's way" should be "went our separate ways." As I said, there are a lot of mistakes, but I'm not going to point each one out, you just need to proofread some more. I also think you probably need to either expand the story or stop it right after he opens the box and sees her. Those last two paragraphs don't really add anything to the story and actually lessen the impact.

I think you have a decent concept and obviously a good imagination, but I think you need some more practice and reading experience. This story would be deleted due to the numerous mistakes and the unnatural feel of your writing. I think you could turn this into a decent story if you put in some more effort. Definitely keep trying, you'll get better. Good luck!