Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-2240864-20170728235145/@comment-32461413-20170729032246

Really interesting concept. There is a really good sense of suspense and the ending is satisfying. I really enjoyed your diction choices as well; some unusual choices. I have a couple of notes however on some small things.

There is a bit of repitition of words in the beginning. You use words such as "crack" and "blood" quite a bit. "Blood" especially is used throughout the whole story. After awhile, it starts to lose the shock factor. Try to find substitutes for that word throughout or even mention other bodily fluids such as tears or sweat. Blood seems to be the first impulse in horror stories.

"Bawling (balling) up the fist he had not yet used to redecorate" is a bit awkward to read. I am also a bit off put by "redecorate." What exactly do you mean by that?

I almost had to double take at the "falling head first into a blender" bit. Perhaps you put that in there for stylistic effect (being that something so gruesome is mentioned so casually). Otherwise, I found it to be slightly distracting. I found this instance to be more subtle than the hooker incident.

I find the use of vomiting to be cliche; it is something that so many stories use that it has lost its impact.

I feel a craving for more information of what Joseph did to drive away (or possibly kill) his friends and family. You make mentions of the landlord and the hooker, I would like to see more moments like that. It will help create a better understanding of what happened before this whole story took place. Since drugs, alcohol, and sex have driven families apart before, you have a really good opportunity for some realism here. Right now, we have fragments of what happened before, and I think it would be beneficial in order to have a more complete picture. In the beginning, drugs, sex, and alcohol were mentioned to aid in the destruction of Joseph's relationships. How so? I think a little bit of detail as to how those things destroyed his relationships would help build the story more.

"You were my ticket out of that prison-plane" is ambiguous. What was the prison plane, was it Joseph?

"SAYIT"  and "freemefreemefreeme" are both problematic to me. Especially the latter. It almost seems a bit childish. I just imagine the demon saying those phrases like a kid nagging his parents "are we there yet" repeatedly. Maybe this is what you were going for, however, I think it is quite a contrast to the serious nature of Joseph. Although, out of everything I've made a note of, this is just me being nitpicky. Meaning that this is the least serious issue I have.

Otherwise, I quite enjoyed this story. It is really concise, but as with most concise stories, a little extra information can go a long ways. The shorter a story is, the more important each detail is to developing it at as a whole. Some extra background information would help out quite a bit. Nonetheless, good work. I'm excited to see how this story turns out in the end.