Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26990009-20170922081343/@comment-24101790-20170924163009

Awkward wording: "But today his fate proved him wrong.", "After a drive and loud screaming to Arty's playlist, they eventually reached the house.", "Looking back into the living room he spotted a CRT TV with a green, he thinks probably used to be blue couch.", "After a long walk and fear of dying in their (his) heads (head), Eli eventually reached the room.", etc. I would suggest reading the story aloud to catch instances of wording that sounds awkward as there's quite a bit here.

Capitalization: ""OUCH!" He (he) yelped in pain.", "It's dangerous to be alone." It (it) finished.", ""Well until you knocked us down, we were trying to reach that ladder." He (he) said, pointing up.", etc. Dialogue tags should only be capitalized if it starts with a proper noun.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "It's (its) concrete frame sent a cold feeling from the door", " It had no visible teeth in it's faint mouth.", etc.

Formatting: You need to space out dialogue so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. ""So Daniel, you ready for our awesome sleepover?!" Eli exclaimed. Daniel laughed. "You bet!" Daniel said, pretty excited. Eli had a giggle in his voice. "So, what'll we do? We could go explore outside my house if you want?" Eli asked. Daniel raised an eyebrow, unsure. He finally answered after a few moments. "Sure! I wouldn't mind too much." Daniel said." This is done to prevent misattribution and to improve story flow.

Punctuation: You tend to improperly use periods in dialogue (periods should only be used if it's the conclusion of the sentence) or forget to use punctuation at all. ""Sure! I wouldn't mind too much." Daniel said.", " "Alright, Art. Let's get moving(comma missing)" Daniel said.", ""Hey guys, I expected you to show up around now.(comma needed)" Eli said with a laugh.", "Daniel got a small hint of excitement, "That looks so cool!".(period not needed outside of quotations)", " "Guys, you might wanna come see what we found.(comma missing)" he yelled.", ""Seems like some crazy person lived in this house." Eli mocked in non-amusement.", etc.

Punctuation cont.: There are a number of times you don't use periods or commas where they are needed. "Eli was silently grinning happily(period missing)", "It was fairly big(comma missing) sporting large windows with a wide open foundation and a giant tree to the right."

Redundancy: Avoid re-stating words multiple times in rapid succession. ""Okay, I'll see you guys later, see ya!"", "Eli knocked into a wooden structure while Daniel knocked into Eli from behind", "He opened the door with a loud creak, then out of nowhere the door fell off its loose rusted hinges, falling to the ground with a loud 'SLAM", "It read "If you wish to open the door to this cellar, say open with a great holler" Eli read aloud.", etc.

Wording: You have a tendency to re-state the characters' names way too frequently. Take lines like: "Eli rolled his eyes. "Daniel could just give me a boost up and I could reach it. You're really short Arty." Eli explained. Arty glared and stepped back. Daniel knelt down as Eli climbed onto his shoulders. Daniel lifted Eli up abruptly." There are some paragraphs where you identify each character multiple times when there's no need to re-state their names.

Story issues: A lot of your story reads like a list. "The crack spread more. Eli took a harder punch and ram at the wall. It eventually shattered and crashed to the floor of a hidden hallway in front of Eli. He squinted and looked deeply into the darkness." and "Mist turned into a black cloud and disappeared through the dark abyss of trees. Eli hyperventilated and grabbed Daniel's hand. He began bolting out of the woods, through the trees and over the bushes." Sections like this should be punctuated with the character's mindset and descriptions to give the reader a greater sense of immersion in the story.

Story issues cont.: The dialogue (especially for Mist) feels really unnatural. Take these lines for example: ""So you're one of the goons that set me free from this prison." and "In your last moments you may call me Mist" Mist said, cackling in a maniacal tone." It comes off as generic bad guy dialogue and could use a bit of re-working to make it feel less awkward.

Story issues end: There are other issues, but as this is getting pretty long, I'm going to wrap it up by focusing on the ending. The ending feels very abrupt: "As they were going into the door they caught something in the corner of their eyes, smiling." If we're to believe that Mist was following them, it should end on a bit of a stronger note. For example, Arty's death feels like an event that happens in the story without impacting the plot much. Their best friend dies and there's no real emotional reaction to it. I'm sorry, but this is going to need quite a lot of re-working.