Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36960218-20181008220941/@comment-33470154-20181008222810

This needs proofreading, as there are a ton of grammar and spelling errors there. For example: “The scouts were very excited to go on a backpacker (what does that mean? Are they going to piss on a hiker?). They were all ready. They were all enthusiastic. Except for one. His name is Dylan (short sentences should be used for tension building, there is no tension at this point.  Make this one or two longer sentences). Dylan heard that the trail they were going on is inhabited by a Mythic Creature (“mythic creature” is not a proper noun, and therefore should not be capitalized). One so old, it was born before time. He asked his parents if he could get out of it, but they just said “Go on the trail honey!””

The paragraph where Carl dies needs to be expanded upon - we should be introduced to characters earlier in the story, not 2 sentences before they’re brutally murdered by a demon. You said Carl is fierce and hated - make him seem fierce, make us hate him. He’s practically just a name right now, not a character, much less someone I can feel is real.

Also, the “Alma Demoníaca” needs less explanation - in the beginning, you say it’s a “mythic creature” that is “as old as time.” The backstory contradicts this. One of the two needs to be removed, probably the backstory as, honestly, it’s not too good. It also contains this nonsensical sentence: “He has haunted the trail for the rest of his life.” You aren’t alive once you’re dead.

The last part is again pretty shaky. Apparently the police reports (which aren’t exactly detailed) acknowledge this supernatural demon’s existence and still let kids go hiking near it? Also, who are all these guys? There were only three characters mentioned by name (Carl, Dylan, Josh) and the scoutmaster. Jack and David weren’t mentioned for the whole story! I’m repeating what I said with Carl’s death, but if you want to kill off characters, do it right. Make them seem real, and show or explain their deaths,and you didn’t do this.

The last sentence makes no sense. Is that an Infinity War reference (Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good...)?