Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5553246-20151209031609/@comment-24101790-20151209033900

Wording issues: " "Here I am bitch," I shouted. "Come and get me. I'm right here. That's right, go ahead. I'm not afraid of death!" I exclaimed." There's really no need to use both exclaimed and shouted when there is no interrupting action/dialogue. ""I tried to save you," it told me. "tried to stop you from becoming like me." It (it) said." Spelling issues: ""Not sure if bullets can kill you assholes but what the hell do I have to loose (lose)?""

Capitalization issues: "...like me." It (it) said."", "me. "tried (Tried) to stop you" Since you used a period before the next line of dialogue, that implies you're starting a new sentence. Grammatical issues: it's=it is, its=possession. "It's buildings destroyed"

Story issues: lines like this: "I would love to tell you that I happened to work at a Nickelodeon studio where creepy lost episodes were made, but all I can say is I worked at a Burger King." come off as pointless to the plot. The protagonist's actions need to be explained. "So I decided to do what I always do when I'm anxious and not thinking straight, go into the damn forest." Give the audience a reason behind this decision. This really stands out when she follows it up with this line: "Of course this was so stupid that I even told myself several times that it was the least intelligent thing to do in this situation" Then there's the fact that she originally goes into the woods pursuing her brother but never mentions him again. It really comes off like a MacGuffin. (Something used to progress the plot that is never mentioned or utilized again.)

Story issues cont.: There needs to be a lot more description for scenes like this to work: "I shot the creature multiple times. Finally, he fell to the ground." Without focus/painting an image, lines like these feel very dull and involving. You also give zero description for the creature other than mentioning a black hooded man. (Also if you aren't referring to their race, you might want to change the wording.) This story really needs a lot of work as it seems like you're jumping from creature in the woods, to spooky lab, to deserted city with very little actions in-between to really justify using them. This needs drastic re-working for it to be effective. There are multiple capitalization, punctuation, spelling, problems with driving the plot, and lack of description issues.