Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30438661-20161107191508/@comment-24101790-20161107194702

I'd like to add on Christian's review:

Capitalization issue: Words improperly capitalized after dialogue. "“Hey, do you wanna spend the night at my house tonight? My mom says it’s okay!” He (he) offered.", "“HEY!” He (he) yelled at the top of his lungs.", “Shut the hell up and get inside!” He (he) commanded.", etc.

Punctuation: Punctuation misused in dialogue. "“Well, shit.” I uttered.", "“I guess so.” Jay conceded.", "That’s really weird though.” Jay answered.", etc. Remember if the sentence continues after the dialogue, you shouldn't use a period. Only use a period if it's the end of the sentence.

Punctuation issues cont.: "I turned and saw it was Jay.”(quotation misplaced) What’s going on, buddy?!”" "I replied(,/:) ‘Sure, let me just ask my mom,’", etc. I would suggest carefully proofreading this as I'm seeing a number of these mechanical issues.

Awkward wording: "I interrupted their barks, “Quit that! Come inside!” I commanded of them, but they refused to listen." (feels pointless to both interrupt and command them. Additionally, 'I commanded of them' feels clunky), "Jay owned a black dog, but not a shaggy black dog - not a dog like this." (This feels redundant, especially since you cay dog three separate times and black twice in a short sentence), etc. The best piece of advice I can give is to read the story aloud to yourself to catch instances where the wording feels clunky or redundant.

Story issues: "Before I begin this story, I want to give a disclaimer: all of the following events are true." This is an incredibly generic issue and should be avoided at all costs. Don't tell the audience it's a true story as it inspires the opposite response, make the story believable and the protagonist relatable. The "This is a true story" opening has been overused to the point of becoming a cliche.

Story issues cont.: There are a lot of instances where the dialogue feels forced. "“Hey,” I began, looking at Jay, “do you guys believe in ghosts?” Jay’s face lit up at the question. “Oh yeah dude, I’m pretty sure this place is haunted!”" This is especially true since it feels like you're re-stating it from a paragraph above (" We got onto the topic of ghosts. Jay and I discovered we had an intense mutual interest in the paranormal, which I believe is what began to define and shape our friendship to become an incredibly strong bond.")

Story issues end: The biggest issue is that the story's three chapters build to the paranormal encounter and it feels pretty generic. The descriptions are bland ("I saw a shadow. It appeared to be the dark shadow of a man probably eight or nine feet tall, just standing there on the landing.") and there really isn't an effective end to the story. It feels like you just cut it short rather than bringing it to any real conclusion. You build up to these events, but don't really do anything with it.

I'm sorry, but if this story were posted in its current form, it would like be marked for review and probably deleted for the mechanical and plot issues listed above. I think this is going to take quite a bit of re-working and revising to make the story more involving and interesting if you're hoping to post it.