Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20170804002154/@comment-32764586-20170804034547

AViciousRainbow wrote: I wouldn't put yourself down as a writer. By reading this, you do have a much higher skill level than what you give yourself credit for. With that, I have a few notes to improve this writing.

Be careful with overusing the comma. "The night was stormy, and the wind blew fiercely" the comma in the middle is not needed. Make sure to only put it where a pause is needed.

"Thee" instead of "the" in third sentence.

I am not a fan of the analogy "black as tar." It's not specific enough. Is the house itself black as tar as in it is painted? Or are you mentioning the darkness? You could be more clear here. I believe you meant to say that the room is dark. Make an analogy related to darkness. Rather than "black as tar" even something as simple as "dark as tar" (although I don't suggest using this one) would be better.

The moon is pretty bright. While it is not bright enough to light up a house, some visibility would be seen. This is me just being nitpicky, but from a realistic perspective, there would be at least a little bit of visibility. However, if the curtains are drawn, then there wouldn't (hint hint).

I know the main focal point of the story is tapping, but you could also vary up the use of the word tapping. Maybe "pitter patter" or something along those lines. It makes for a less monotonous read.

In the third paragraph, I think the "tap tap tap" would be even more dramatic as its own paragraph.

Door in the third paragraph gets a bit repetitive.

You're in pretty good shape up until the ending; that is where things get a bit shaky. Who, or what are the two figures that opened the door? They kind of come in out of nowhere for the sake of opening the door. Perhaps if there were even just subtle hints of them before, that would help.

My main concern with the ending is the girl. That is a bit cliche for an ending. The horror genre in general uses little girls so much that they lose their scare factor. Now, I'm not saying that you should never use what is considered cliche ever, rather you should put in your own unique spin on them as a breath of fresh air.

"Mommy, Daddy, I'm scared" this is creepy, but why did she say that? Why was she even there at all? Resolution is needed.

The very end with the man removing the mask does not resolve the story. It also brings up questions in of itself. Why was he wearing a mask? What happened after? What happened before? You need not explicitly answer all these, but in a story with mystery (which I believe you are going for here) you need to at least leave some hints to go off of. I can't really imagine what happens next because I don't have any evidence to go off of. My reccomendation, keep the story going.

You also forgot a period at the very end.

Overall, you really got the supsense right. I just feel that you end too abrupt leaving many questions unanswered. The story is not all that bad up until the end. I feel with some adjustments, you could have perfectly feasible story here on the wiki.

Thanks man. I was trying to go for the man being a home invader and the little girl being afraid of lightning as sort of a twist. I'll try to improve on what you pointed out. Thanks a ton!