Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20151026183659/@comment-25226524-20151026211113

I'm not sure why the opening line is in quotes when there's no speaker identified or anything else to indicate why it's separated. I don't care for "sum’umu’bitches", especially when you used another spelling prior to that. "Sumbitch" is a good one and is what I normally use.

Some issues:

I always imaged (imagined)

Missing closing quotation mark after "saliva gland".

I personally wouldn't bother spelling "was" as "wuz" unless you're reading/spelling-out something that was written on a wall.

Smacked her lips a couple of time (times).

Although I've heard "crawl up and die" I believe the correct saying is "curl up and die".

I noticed you kept the slang/accent to a minimum, which is probably wise since you're just now experimenting with it. It appears you know when and when not to use an apostrophe, so I don't think I need to give any advice on that. I actually can't see any consistency errors, which is rare (I will warn you, they are very hard to catch, so I could have missed them). If you get deeper into it in the future, just make sure you stay consistent: if you say "shoulda" then you have to also say "woulda" and if you drop a "g" like tryin', you have to keep it up with other ing words. Yer is also one you'll want to get used to.

Again, your keeping it to a minimum was a smart move here, and I feel like the story works pretty well. I laughed quite a few times, but I also think you did a decent job of using the horror element as well. I do feel like it's a bit underdeveloped and should probably be expanded, but that's your call. If you want to read some really nasty extreme horror that uses a lot of slang/accents, check out some of Ed Lee's work. The Big Head, Header, and Creekers are all sick, hilarious, and good examples. Let me know if you have any other questions.