Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24776950-20170615185529/@comment-24776950-20170618181107

MrDupin wrote: "seemly" - It's 'seemingly'.

"hazy, yellow glow that appears to be constantly flickering" - Personally I am not a big fan of separating adjectives using "that appears to be...", "that seems to be..." etc. I think it is unnecessary and awkward. I would prefer something like this: "hazy, flickering, yellow glow". It is up to you though.

You write the word "forcedly" twice in quick succession. I don't often see that word, so it stood out to me. I suggest changing it up a bit. The problem with repetition doesn't end there. Another instance is "suddenly", even though it does not stand out too much.

"Your eyes suddenly gaze upon a shape on the floor" - I don't think it is very fitting to say "suddenly gaze" in this case, I think "suddenly fall" is better.

"As your wearily eyes" - It is "As your weary eyes".

"you realize that it’s an ancient wooden trapdoor" - A better and smoother way to write this is by replacing "it's" with "the shape is". It makes the connection easier.

The last line of dialogue, "another subject, let the experiment began again", is missing an end quote. Also, it is 'begin' not 'began' and the line should start with a capital letter.

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This needs a bit of work. Despite the (at times) nice wording, a lot is awkwardly written, as noted above. Your prose feels "rigid" as a result. Re-reading your work over and over helps iron things out, since you can catch any awkward phrasing. If that doesn't help, I suggest reading your story out loud.

Apart from the technical issues, there is the issue of the 2nd perspective. Most stories in the 2nd perspective rarely work, because it is hard to get the reader immersed. At the moment I am not hungry in the middle of the woods, yet you immediately throw me in there. That creates a separation between story and reality, which means no immersion can be acheived. For this type of story, I suggest you drop the 2nd person and go for something else (maybe 3rd person narrative).

Finally, the pacing is a bit off. Everything goes to fast. One moment we are collapsing from hunger, then we see the love of our life, then we start falling asleep, etc. It all goes too fast with no real transitions. Take your time with your story and don't rush it.

I believe that this story can get posted on the wiki, but I'm afraid it will need quite a bit of work. I think that if you make it read like a campfire tale, or an urban-legend or something like that, it will be real good. You certainly have potential as a writer, but you need more practise. If you keep at it you will get good at this.

Happy writings!

Thanks, this was my first draft so I wasn't expecting it to be perfect. Now I know what to fix.