Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27394949-20160119164757/@comment-24101790-20160119165802

MLP stories are blacklisted on this site due to their tendency to be knock-offs of Cupcakes. Additionally your story had a lot of formatting (dialogue should be spaced out, a number of paragraphs are massive, etc), punctuation (punctuation not needed outside of dialogue, commas incorrectly used/missing from areas where a pause is utilized), wording ("Then the unicorn cutted the right lung out."), and story issues.

Personally this really feels like it's trying to imitate all the other grimdark stories and it really ends up coming off as cookie-cutter. I would suggest taking it to Spinpasta (after correcting and proof-reading your story) or a MLP site that accepts these types of stories. Best of luck.