Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20150430062138/@comment-25975226-20150430094630

Okay, these are things I noticed upon first reading it:

"and it was a lot more bulkier than the laptops of today." - Use 'a lot bulkier' or 'a lot more bulky', (I can't remember exactly what this grammar thing is called at this moment) because it sounds wrong.

" After it had finished charging I turned it on and began typing," - perhaps end this sentence there with a full stop or use a semicolon, because the way it continues now is a little off.

" It got to where I was saving my work every couple of minutes and toward the middle of the second month I had resolved to use my next payday to buy a new laptop." - The start of this sentence is a little clumsy. There are so many ways to fix this. You could say "It eventually got to the point where..." or "it steadily escalated to the point where..." etc.

" I sometimes wonder if that man had put the snake in the laptop." - Hmmm... I'll talk about this in a second.

Now onto the actual story.

I don't want to disappoint you but this story needs quite a bit of work. It would certainly meet the QS if you fixed the grammar errors I mentioned above, but in terms of actual content, that's a tad debateable.

There isn't really anything too terrifying about a snake in a laptop. There are some moments where it seems as though the story is beginning to get interesting eg. 'the species of snake remains unidentified' (paraphrased) but then it is never expanded upon.

I really do believe there is potential for this story. I like that you loosely based it off fact, but including that at the end adds nothing. I just think it needs more.

Now I'll come to the end sentence. WHAT THE HECK MAN! THAT COULD'VE BEEN SO CREEPY! Add some disturbing dialogue at the beginning between the two, use some excellent descriptive language and describe the seller in a grotesque manner, and boom! You have an awesome ending.

Overall, fix those grammatical errors and add more to this story and you'll have a winner. Right now though, this is a bit of a fixer upper.