Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43990606-20191104024631/@comment-26475800-20191107041337

"“It must be a long day with the clients.” I’d say to myself,"

Use a comma not a period at the end of the quote. Also, I'd say isn't correct. It'd be I said. I'd say means I would say, and that sounds weird.

"‘Hey there Sofiel! I won’t be home until late tonight, my client asked me to work overtime on this case. Don’t worry, I should be home before you go to sleep, so you can wait up for me. I love you, and see you tonight.’"

This is far too wordy. It could be "Hey Sofiel, I had to work late tonight. I should be home before you go to sleep, so I'll see you then. Love you." The way it is written seems forced, and unnatural, at least for writing. Most people use poor grammar when they speak, but don't translate that into your writing for the most part. It is distracting and pulls the reader out of the story.

Another thing that I've noticed already is the flow of this story. It's very choppy. There are far too many words that aren't needed. In the first paragraph there are a bunch wordy sentences. Below is the first paragraph along with a way to make it flow better.

"I closed my door as I came inside of my home, dropping my bag by the door. It had been a long day at work, and I was exhausted. The sun was setting, and most people were coming inside. Well, who wouldn’t? It wasn’t safe to be out past nightfall. I sighed, walking towards the chair sat in the middle of our living room. Our home was quiet, obvious that my girlfriend hadn’t come home yet."

I dropped my bag by the door, as I came in my house. I was exhausted from a long day at work. Most people were already inside, and why wouldn't they be? It isn't safe to be out in the dark. I sighed as I sat in my chair. The house was quiet, obviously my girlfriend wasn't home yet.

Yes, it makes the paragraph shorter, but it also reads smoother. I don't care that the chair is in the middle of the living room. Granted I haven't read the entire story, and I'm too tired to tonight, but all those words kill the flow. If it isn't important to the story, cut it. Try to tighten up your sentences, and make them feel natural. If someone is going to be talking, try to make them sound like a real person would talk. If they're a fast talker, make it known that they are a fast talker, don't omit punctuation. If it's a note, write it like a note, most people just jot down what they want quickly, they aren't trying to write a novel. Granted, the note that was left wasn't that long, but it was far too wordy, even for people in love.

Also, when you look at the first sentence and the note, the two things I focused on the most so far, it's just repeating the same information. Girlfriend isn't home, most likely at work. Cut all that stuff from the first paragraph and have the reader learn it as the narrator does. It would get the reader more invested.

Once you got a feel for that, go through the rest of the story and fix any more problems you see that look like that, and it'll help the story a lot.