Talk:Bon Bon/@comment-25326117-20150406144749

1) If there was letters in there, then I would take each of them to my Daddy, and had him look at them.

(I think 'were' would have been more accurate, since 'was' could mean only one thing.  'Were' would imply more than one.  Somebody correct me if I am wrong about this).

2) ​I want my Mommy.

(I would have made it like 'I want my Mommy!' because the girl is exclaiming how she wants her mom really badly).

3) I want her even more then I want ice cream.

(I would have replaced 'then' with 'than,' since in this case, she is pretty using 'than' as a source for who or what she wants more, her mom or the dessert).

4) Daddy says “Mommy’s not coming back”, “Ok...”. His face gets a little sadder when hears that. I still want my ice cream. I think I’ll get peppermint flavored.

(Maybe, I am wrong on this, but shouldn't the comma be before the ending quotation mark?  It might be personal preference, but do you think 'said' sounds better than 'says?'  Do you think the following sounds better?)

(Daddy said, "Mommy's not comming back, okay?"  His face gets a little sadder when hears that).

(I am a little confused.  Did the dad get sadder when the kid heard that or when he hears himself say that?  Maybe, this may help.  Maybe you could use the first when referring to the kid, 'Daddy said, "Mommy's not coming back, okay?"  His face gets a little sadder when I heard that.'  When you're probably referring to the dad, 'Daddy said, "Mommy's not coming back, okay?"  His face gets a little sadder when he hears himself say that).

5) Is Peppermint supposed to be capitalized?  What's Superman-flavored Ice Cream?

6) Isn't 'handwriting' one word?

I think the Creepypasta was alright. I do think there are some grammatical errors, but overall it kept me guessing. I was thinking that the mom was divorcing the dad. Who sent the letter if the mom was already dead the day prior to the letter coming in the mail? I don't think you need the '-' between 'nick' and 'name,' I believe it is one word: nickname.

What happens to the little girl after this?

Does the girl write with crayon on the letter? She could think that somehow shooting herself will let her be with her mom and dad again. She probably thinks that they went somewhere else, instead of actually just dying. Maybe, she could have written on the letter that her mom sent, "I'm gonna be with Mommy and Daddy!"

Then, the creepypasta could have ended with the lawyer calling the cops, because he's worried about his client (the kid's dad, in this case). The detective finds the kid and the letter with what she wrote on it.