Talk:The Long List/@comment-26054278-20150502180516

Not only did this one become one of the winners of the "2015 Creepypasta Freestyle Challenge", but it has been nominated for "PotM" at least twice now. Therefore, my expectations for this story were incredibly good, and I have to say that I wasn't disappointed.

While not one of the best stories I have read, it is still fantastic and deserves to be on my "Favorites List" (which is getting pretty long at this point).

Anyway, for a story written in 24 hours, this is astounding. The plot is actually creepy and, while I feel like I've heard this idea before (that wasn't Hamlet), it was conveyed in a different way, which makes it much more fresh and new. The disturbing elements comes from the insanity and the ghost itself, and I find the idea that this ghost could change this person and essentially control their actions/emotions (at least that is how I viewed it) is quite creepy.

The writing of this story seems a little bit awkward at times to me. Maybe it is just my personal preference or I am the only one who sees this, but I'll give an example to (hopefully) help:

As her body rose up from the muck her head had lolled to the side to stare at Standler and her wide, staring eyes had looked straight at him.

I kind of see some of the word choices as a bit redundant. The use of "stare" indicts that she is staring, so I find it kind of pointless and a bit awkward when "staring" is used again in the same sentence. I wouldn't complain too much if this was the only instance of a slight bit of awkwardness, but there are a few more instances of odd word choice.

Otherwise, the writing is well done. The spelling and grammar seems to be pretty much perfect. While sometimes it can get a bit repetitive in the choice of words (such as in the previous example), there is actually a good amount of variety of names and words. For example, you used quite a few different names for "meth", and while that may seem a bit too many names to some, I think the variety and the way it was told made it work.

The last line really stuck with me, as well as a few of the descriptions of the girl in question. It is filled with details and atmosphere that comes across as quite powerful, which is one reason why I found this story to be more powerful than something such as 11 Miles. In 11 Miles, there was plenty of description that was good, but nothing that I felt really would stick with the reader, unlike this story.

I've praised the story quite a bit, but I do have a tiny little problem in addition to the slightly awkward sentences from earlier, and that is mainly the fact that as powerful as this pasta could be, the characters kind of limited the power.

I have to say that I can't feel huge sympathy or any strong emotions towards this detective. He didn't really do anything right that really makes the reader like him, and after the story acknowledges that he is on trial for manslaughter, I can't exactly view him as a positive person. However, this fact does make the creepy elements still quite disturbing. My problem is that it might have been more disturbing if he was slightly better established as a good person. In other words, if this story was maybe a bit longer and not on a 24 hour time limit, it might have worked even better than it already does.

However, the twist is very clever, and I give massive credit to the author for making me not even really notice it until the author clearly wanted me to take notice to it. It was foreshadowed with the "fat fuck" line and it delivered disturbingly well, making it an all-around great twist.

In summary, this pasta is remarkable for being made in 24 hours, and truly one of my favorites now. If 11 Miles was on the lower side of 9/10, this is definitely on the upper side of 9/10.

Check out more of my critiques here: My Critiques