Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26277607-20170707230342/@comment-32461413-20170708004310

I quite enjoyed this unusual story. It was suspenseful and the end was a turn that I didn't expect.

Normally you shouldn't indent the beginning of paragraphs for stories on this Wiki; it causes technical issues.

I think the detail could be amped up a little further; really describe how the box feels. Being in such a small space would be quite uncomfortable so I suggest taking a sentence or two to describe how cramped and sweaty a place like that would be. Some detail could tie up loose ends that I encountered; the way he makes sound. I don't quite understand what you are getting at when describing the people coming up and grabbing the coin that Maldwyn drops. Is there some sort of opening that the coin is being dropped out of? Additionally, why hadn't the father found Maldwyn sooner? The boy yelling "there's a monster in our house" hints that the safe is relatively close to the home. Also the fact that Maldwyn has been wasting away hints that some time has passed since he fell in, wouldn't the father notice the safe sooner? Also, there is not much of an explanation how he fell in the safe. I get that he probably climbed in there for the money, but what exactly closed the door? Furthermore, (although this is nitpicky) if Maldwyn had forgotten his whole life before ending up in the safe, how does he know what doctors and nurses are if he lost his memory?

You asked for feedback especially on the last paragraph. What was that one thing that he remembered? That he was Maldwyn? Even if that was the case, what purpose does that serve on what his name was? If his name was Joe, would that make a difference? There could definitely be some clarity on why his name might serve a purpose. The grammar is also a bit confusing as well. You also wrote "no" instead of "know" in the last sentence. The sentence "The only thing he remembered, which could have been used to mark his legacy, he was unable to communicate" is off to me. For one, there is too many commas. Secondly, "he was unable to communicate" is placed in awkwardly UNLESS you meant to put the word "however" before the word "he" in which that would make more sense. Either way that whole sentence is weak on its own and even my recommendation alone wouldn't completely resolve the issue.

Grammar wise you tend to overuse the comma. It's easy to get into the habit of throwing in the comma even when it's not needed. Read your story out loud while closely examining the commas. If you pause everytime there is a comma, you will notice that in some areas it is not needed.

I think overall adding some more description to better round the story would be beneficial. Also, experiment more with heavier diction choices; don't always pick the obvious word. Your verbs for example tend to be simplistic. The word "said" for instance, is the obvious word choice for a person speaking. Try to think outside of the box and incorporate something better and stronger. A thesarus would be especially helpful in resolving this.

I think you do have a nice idea and your execution is decent. Just focus more on detail and tying up some plot holes and you will be in much better shape.