Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25982182-20150107143931/@comment-25148755-20150107172101

Ok a few things.

First, what's with the numbering? Not sure if it's intentional or a formatting error. You need to majorly revise your punctuation/capitalization and the breakdown of your paragraphs. Even though you have them (sort of) separated into the numbered sections, some of them still look like an enormous wall of text and are challenging to read.

The story is sort of minimalist and includes some odd random details but that actually seems to work for some odd reason...things like getting kicked out of the bar because you friend touched the bartenders boob aren't really relevant to the story but add a certain amount of realism that almost had me thinking I was actually just listening to some guy talk about a weekend he was having.

The ending grew on me. If the poem the creature recites is original it isn't scary, at least on first read...I actually almost felt myself laughing reading it (dunno, maybe that's the point). If it's taken from somewhere I don't know the reference. However as I'm writing this review I'm looking back at it and it actually is slightly disturbing although I can't quite point out why. Makes me think of some of the nonsensical Alice in Wonderland stuff Carroll wrote when he was tripping balls.