Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29458657-20160805183834/@comment-28266772-20160811144406

When we arrived at their apartment and knocked, Clara opened the door, welcoming us with her cute, but uncaring smile and [while] dressed as if she was going to a party. Joseph begins [began] to talk and asks [asked] about Gina. She says [said] her "sister" [‘sister’] left to get a gun so they could defend themselves if the killer would attack [would attack -> attacked]. The laughing tone she had [it is easier to say ‘Her laughing tone’] made us question where her girlfriend really was. After we convinced her that we aren’t [weren’t] the murderers, she let us enter and Joseph already [delete ‘already’] started to put her questions. [put her questions -> question her]

The "interview" we took her [delete “we took her”] didn't lead anywhere and [while] I'm [I’m -> I was] dead serious [serious -> certain] that she is [was] hiding something, although [delete ‘although’] I don't [didn’t] think she [had] killed anyone. Maybe an accomplice? [it’s a bad practice to insert random questions like this – try instead to say something like “I wondered if she had an accomplice”] I'm [I was] quite sure she [had] fooled Joseph [about what?]. It looks like me and my friend will solve the mess. I hope. [these last two lines confuse things too much]

I went back to my apartment and thought about MY [use italics not caps lock] situation. I know I'm [I knew I wasn’t/was not] not the murderer. I don't suffer from double personality or anything. I don't have a gun [I didn’t have a gun]. What the... I must get one as fast as I can. '[you must stick to the past, or the present. You can’t swap. Perhaps you should say, “Thinking about that made me feel helpless”]' I felt helpless. I must [must -> decided to] move out of the block and get my [my -> a] gun. A [this needs context – something like “suddenly” or “as I prepared to leave a”] knocking made me wince. I took a baseball bat and went to the door. It was Joseph. His eyes were full of fear, but that didn't make me think he didn't do it [I’d get rid of this last part]. I opened the door and he spilled everything: [comma not a colon]

"Bruce is dead! I just saw him in the elevator."

"Wait, what? He's dead?" [said who?]

"Yes! He was fuckin' decapitated! I can't belive [believe] what's happening in my block!"

That's the moment when I observe [observed – although consider swapping this word with ‘saw’] that Joseph is [was] holding a pistol. I suddenly feel [felt] the need to run, but then he turns [turned] and leaves [left] in a hurry. Against my better judgement, I decide [decided] to follow. I run [ran] after him on the stairs. He stops [stopped]. Then points [pointed] the gun at me. I raise [raised] my hands without letting [replace ‘letting with ‘dropping’] the bat [off my hand <- delete this]

"Where are you going?" [said?]

"To see the bitches!" [said?]

He turns [turned] again and continues [continued] on his way. We reach the last floor and Joseph walks [walked] up to the women's apartment and knocks [knocked] furiously on the door. Clara opens [opened] the door and Joseph busts [burst] in.

Gina points [pointed] her gun at him and then Joseph points [pointed] his to [at] her. I sit [stood] at [in] the doorway and watch [watched], being [delete ‘being’] ready to run if it turns [turned] for the worst.

"Clara, leave the room!" [said?]

She does [did] and then Joseph turns [turned] his attention towards Gina, who seems [seemed] to have her eyes full of hatred. '[try to avoid words like ‘seem’ unless the use is absolutely necessary. In this case it would be easier to just say “Gina whose eyes were full of hatred.”]'

"I know you did it."

"And what are you gonna do, huh? Turn me [in] to the cops?"

"No. Before I do that, you might do a lot more. I will kill you right now."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Who are you to judge?" [you need to say who is saying what]

<p class="MsoNormal">Joseph feels [felt] an anger he can’t [couldn’t] comprehend [how does the narrator know this?]. I was expecting the worst, but also hoping he would put the gun down. He shoots [shot] her in the neck and she releases [released] her gun, falling to the floor, dead. Clara almost starts [started] crying.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh, my God! You murderer! She did not do it!"

<p class="MsoNormal">She leaves [left] in a hurry, passing by me and walking to the stairs.

<p class="MsoNormal">"What are you doing?"

<p class="MsoNormal">She doesn't [didn’t] answer. I turn [turned] and my face meets [met] Joseph's, more angry [angrier] than I've ever seen him. Frowning, he studies [studied] me. I think [thought] I might be also [I might also be giving] giving him an ugly look, but I try [tried] to control my expression and just show bewilderment.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Are you sure it was her?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Shut up! Yes!"

<p class="MsoNormal">He tries [tried] to calm down. Then he looks [looked] me in the eyes and says: [said,]

<p class="MsoNormal">"Do you know where Clara left?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I seriously don't know."

<p class="MsoNormal">Now, my position changed. I was no longer Joseph's ally, I was supposed to keep him from killing us all while Clara was calling the cops. He turned to leave, but I felt the need to do something, so I grabbed his shoulder and he pointed the pistol at me with trembling hands.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Please don't tell me you wanna kill her too."

<p class="MsoNormal">Joseph smiles [smiled] and fills [filled] me with fear. He turns [turned] again, but I just can't [couldn’t] let him kill anymore. Before he gets [got] too far, I catch [caught] his right foot and he starts [started] sliding down. Fastly [quickly], I raise [raised] the bat and [lower over his body and <-this doesn’t make sense] hit him in his head and then [again] on his right hand and I grab [grabbed] his pistol. Now, I am [was] in control of the situation.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Calm down, Joseph. I don't want you to kill anybody. We do not have proof!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Then tell me, smartass, who did it?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I don't know, actually, but what you did is wrong. Do you realise that you just fuckin' killed someone?!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Joseph stands [stood] up and looks [looked] at me. He studies [studied] me. Does [did] he... think I am [was] the killer? How dares [dare] he? He's [He was] the killer! I wait [waited] for him to turn, but he doesn't. [didn’t]

<p class="MsoNormal">"Do you think I'm gonna show you my back while you have a gun pointed at me."

<p class="MsoNormal">He's [He was] right, but I am [was] right too to keep the gun pointed at him.

<p class="MsoNormal">"And what are you going to do?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll wait before the cops come here and find you pointing a gun at me"

<p class="MsoNormal">Son of a bitch. He got [had] me. [Hmm... <- delete]

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll throw the gun, but please then turn and leave."

<p class="MsoNormal">"All right. But do not throw it at your feet and let me take the bat."

<p class="MsoNormal">It couldn't get any better, really.

<p class="MsoNormal">"All right. I'll give you the bat, then you go back. I'll throw the gun further, but don't try to take it, sir."

<p class="MsoNormal">I try [tried] to separate myself from his deep stare and I throw [threw] the gun in a corner, ready to fight in case he would attack [attacked] me. He just bends [bent] down and picks [picked] up the bat and then runs [run] down the stairs.

<p class="MsoNormal">A day has [had] passed. Joseph is [was] in jail for killing two '[two? I thought he just killed Gina]' women. I am [was] in my bedroom with Gregory who is [was] too afraid to live on his own [ from now on <- delete]and it looks [looked] like he'll [he’d] move to my apartment as it is [was] bigger. I stay [stayed] at the computer and I hear [heard] him going in [to] the hallway. Then he opens [opened] the door to the entrance and I hear [heard] a deafening shreak [shriek]. I am [was] so scared that for the moment I just can't [couldn’t] move. Then I fastly [quickly] hide [hid] under my bed and try [tried] to not make a sound. My pistol is [was] in the living room, God damn it!

<p class="MsoNormal">The bedroom door is [was] open, whoever passes [passed] by the door also passes [passed] by my sight. The lights in the hallway turn [turned] off. Then someone steps [stepped] in front of the door. It's [It was] a human shape, but I don't [didn’t] recongnise [recognise] the person. Whoever he is [was], he seems [seemed] to have a problem with breathing because he seems [seemed/ repetition] to use his mouth to do so. Then he steps [stepped] in the room. Then he... lowers [lowered] and faces [faced] me. He's [He was] a man, but one who should be long dead. A person of about 120 years old. He crawls [crawled] near me with his mouth agape and looks [looked] me in the eyes. I hear [heard] a voice in my head, one that I definetively [definitively] remember [remembered], grumbling in a wicked way: [way,]

<p class="MsoNormal">"I told you to leave when your parents died. Why didn't you listen? My patience reaches an end - always."

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So the biggest problem is the swapping of tenses. In English, especially when writing, you should stick to either the past or the present. This will prevent confusion. Furthermore you must make it clear who is speaking and when. We can go over bigger plot problems when you integrate the changes above.

<p class="MsoNormal">