Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28072204-20160328105937/@comment-28072204-20160328194141

NathanielDoggett wrote: "something being underneath something" This is worded a bit oddly.

"I had a reason to be scared by this." You are telling us something bad happened to you before you've shown us what happened. It is a bit boring that way. But it is a problem easily solved.

"Well we were the only ones that were bullied, so naturally we became friends." The 'only' ones? And you naturally became friends because you were both bullied? That is slightly believable, but few people actually become friends because they both are bullied. Just saying, you might want to change that, but if you don't, it isn't any big deal.

"We both taught Were stronger in numbers!" You meant: "Though we'?

"We were so foolish."Again, you are telling us something bad is soon to happen before you have even shown us. It breaks suspense and is rather cliche. It is a classic line like: "I would later regret this." of "I didn't know what I had begun." Just leave it out and you are good.

"When I arrived at the bathroom, I was met with a horrible scene... Ashton had been drowned." This is so unrealistic. Like these bullies would actually have the courage and gaul to kill ashton? Like they could do this and get away with this? This is completely unheard of and not believable. Sorry dude.

""It's not nice to make up stories like that just because you don't like those kids!" I answered with a surprised and shocked expression. Well it was obvious that he wouldn't believe me in hindsight. But not when I was a kid. I jumped on Mr.Lu and yelled in his face! "Ashton is dead! How fucking dare you not understand!"" This whole dialogue is very unrealistic. I doubt a teacher would react like that, and a student as well. It is also slightly melodramatic. You could make it better.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"And when I did, a small drop of blood came up from the water in the toilet. Then I realised that-that they had fucking tore him up into little pieces and flushed him down the toilet..." What..... So you see some blood and you automatically assume that they flushed his body down the toilet. Dude.... How in the name of sweet Moses... And then, they somehow manage this feat without leaving behind a huge mess, and no smell!? This is actually IMPOSSIBLE! How do you even flush bone down the toilet?!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"about 90% of the students were absent," Umm....Why?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"But of course, that was too good to be true."-Again, you are telling us something bad is soon to happen before you have even shown us.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"Just the thought of that someone chose the person that lives RIGHT NEXT TO ME sent chills down my spine." How do you know that the murderer 'choose' anyone? (I haven't read past this point, but I am going to make a prediction that Ashton is the murderer. If so, I will be disappointed)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"It then hit me, that the thing that tried to get in through the grate must've been the killer! I looked at him with wide eyes."- Sweet Joseph on a breadstick ... How are you arriving at these abstract conclusions? How can a human even fit through a shower grate? How did you ever think that it was the murderer?! I am sorry, but this is very forced.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"I told Laura all about it. And now she was really panicking. She told us that we NEED to move. I agreed, we would move tomorrow." She actually believed you.... How?!?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"But there wouldn't be a tomorrow..." You did it again!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"Then, I heard a cold, wheezing voice say "Come on Monty! Don't you want a good old reunion?" At this point I was freaking the fuck out I couldn't grieve my girlfriend's death any more, I was paralysed in fear. "Come on, don't you remember your old friend? Didn't you miss good ol' Ashton?""--Called it! Called it! Dude... Where is the motivation for Ashton coming back and killing his best friend's girl!?!? WHY WOULD HE DO THAT!?!?!? THERE IS NO MOTIVATION FOR HIM TO DO THAT!! How could he even survive!?! Impossible dude. Why would he hurt his best friend? This is very contrived and forced.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.89;margin-top:11pt;margin-bottom:11pt;"><span style="font-size:14px;font-family:Arial;color:#d4d4d5;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">"oh no i accidentally killed him, whose typing this? why its the one and only ashtn! i think thats how you spell my name a s h t n hahahaha noone likes a filthy buisness man like monty right? hows monty doing you ask? oh his jaw fits perfecty around my neck ahahahaha! dont forget! I'll always find a way into your house! bue bue!" -- WHAT EVEN HAPPENED HERE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! THIS WASN'T GOOD AT ALL DUDE. I'm sorry, but maybe pasta writing isn't for you. This was very poorly written. Maybe you can fix it, but please dude.... Take a hacksaw to it.

Thank you for the feedback, really apriciate it. I fixed my pasta but, well, I cant reupload it because of forum rules, but still. Thank you.