Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-1186783-20140817151538/@comment-25052433-20140819195128

So, the good, bad and ugly of this one, to me anyway, were pretty clear cut.

-The good. This is a firm tie in to your other story, and the way it is written, gives the ability for you to branch out even further and write more 'Circle' stories. You have the potential to turn Peter Dawson into one of the next great Creepypasta villains. This also identifies and opens up a new dimension in the telling of the Dawson story. The setting worked, introducing Michael Dawson first as a friend, and then as a villain. It makes him an identifiable antagonist, and you left yourself plenty of room to use him in future writings.

-The bad. I found this pasta to be very wordy. It had a lot of content, but the plot seemed to drag. Personally I think you over detailed the mundane activities of their lives, when that space could have been dedicated to more plot development. Personally, I would remove a lot of the filler, and have Michael introduce himself as the antagonist earlier, and chronicle some of the pursuit/mind games that may ensue between Michael and your protagonist. The end felt really rushed. Within the span of two paragraphs, Michael went from being a friend to a foe. In a shorter pasta, that would be fine, but in a longer story, more development is needed. Like I said, I would have Michael turn heel a lot sooner, or, at the very least have him begin to demonstrate some sinister actions that cause the protagonist to become a bit wary of him.

-If your intent was for Michael to be identified as Peter Dawson's son early on, then you accomplished that. In my opinion, and for the sake of suspense and development, I would have held on to that a bit longer. As someone else mentioned, as soon as he says that his dad's name is Peter and that he directs films, we all knew exactly what was going on. I personally feel like you tipped your hat a bit early.

The final wrap-up:

-I would suggest removing a lot of the notional filler and replace it with more plot driven writing.

-Hold off on identifying Michael. Let their friendship develop, and then erode around the fact that Michael's true nature begins to show itself.

-Don't rush the ending. You took it from a very slow paced story, which chronicles daily life between two friends, to a murderous psychopath hunting a victim, in the span of barely a paragraph. Make the pasta longer if you need to, it has the quality and legs to stand as a long pasta anyway, but the plot needs to be better developed towards the end.

All in all though, this is a great story that I believe can become a classic here, as a series. Keep this up, because I think the Dawson saga is going to be a great set of works for you. I enjoyed the read very much, and am looking forward to seeing the final product.