Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31790225-20171103222637/@comment-33539696-20171104015139

I am hardly the first authority on grammar, but there were a few rough patches that dragged me away from the story.

For starters, I'd use the plural for the parents. My father and my mom were doctors and were very happy for me.

Next, I suspect this gem was the result of an edit, and didn't get caught in the cleanup. I loved him like as if he was my kid. How about... I loved him as if he was my kid.

It's long, but I think this should be one sentence. Also, I'd add a few words, or subtract some. Third, you've established the existence of the marker stains, so you can skip on describing them repeatedly. Let's try this. Thinking that my sister had gotten a hold of him, I asked her about the marker stains, but she had no idea that Wrinkles had the stains or how they got there.

Homophone problem, and a little grammar cleanup. A LITTLE grammar cleanup. Remember, I'm hardly the first authority on this. I suspect there might be a problem I'm overlooking. I went into the bathroom and saw a sight that blew me away... The mirror in the bathroom had a red writing that read as follows: (For future references, "sights" are visions, views. "sites" are places. Work site, website, construction site.)

...Of all the places to have the correct spelling and punctuation... "I'M IN YOUR HOME..."

Two thoughts that should probably be two sentences. I could be wrong, but that comma after phone stares at me, too. I took a picture of it on my phone, and I still have the pic. I'll post it when I have the chance.

Homophone, I think. I must have had a nightmare...

I have several problems with this, and I could see multiple ways to fix it. I drove back to my home and saw what looked like my house was on fire. How about... I drove back to my home and saw that it looked like my house was on fire. Or... I drove back to my home and saw what looked like my house on fire.

I ran inside and saw Wrinkles floating- freakin' floating in mid air with a blank, wide-eyed expression of nothingness. This sentence could use a couple more commas, I think. I ran inside and saw Wrinkles floating-, freakin' floating, in mid air with a blank, wide-eyed expression of nothingness.

I think you need a conjunction here instead of a comma. I kid you not, my sister was screaming my name in horror and everything was flying in a circular motion as if a tornado was inside my own home.

This bit bothers me, but not the way you intended it to. I am stumped on how to fix it. For starters, I'd put the literal thought on a different line from the description of the actions, as follows. But, bear in mind that I did say I was far from the first authority on grammar. I look through the mirror I caught in my hands, and looked... Jesus Christ... a demon was holding my cat in it's black, scaly, inhuman hands, over it's horned head... It might be better to rework that first sentence, as follows. The original repeats 'looked' and I feel it detracts. I caught a mirror that was flying past me and looked at Wrinkles reflection in it...

I'm REASONABLY CERTAIN that this is a homophone substitution again. Zozo must have followed me home. Stalking me.

You mixed tenses here, and it breaks the flow. But, how did the demon get in contact with Wrinkles?

Now, past the mechanical issues, I did not find the story engaging. It felt disjointed to me. I don't know if you can shoehorn a stealth reference to leaving the parents home, FOR REASONS, into an earlier paragraph, to pave the way for the big reveal, but it feels jarring as written.