Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24859608-20160305175520/@comment-26326346-20160307015408

I'd recommend posting pastas when they are complete, because it'd make it easier to give feedback (at least for me). As it stands now I have no opinion of the story one way or the other because there just isn't enough completeness to it for me to form an opinion. Just write your whole story and put it out there. Don't worry about it being a failure until you've received some feedback and then change it appropriately. You just have to put yourself out there sometimes, if you don't and give into hesitation, fear, and/or what-ifs, then you're just going to bog yourself down.

I do think that the wording is awkward, "Do you know why you're here, son" and "I appreciate your honesty, but that doesn’t change the fact that you killed a 12-year old boy. With such a good record, why would you do such a thing?" stick out at me.

As someone that has a Criminal Justice degree, I find the interrogation (some of the aggressiveness to it specifically) really strange, since the suspect is willingly offering up information. I was taught to always let them spill their guts and only to get aggressive as a last resort when they aren't offering anything (being cryptic to be a pain or saying that they won't talk). That's just something you might keep in mind if you want the story to be realistic.

On another note, I feel like you'd be better served to change the tense to past, but that's just a personal preference of mine as I've always found that the easiest way to tell a story.

_____________________________________________________________________ Anyway, here's a couple of grammatical fixes that I'd recommend. I'm going to post it the way you have it and then repost the sentence with the changes I'd recommend in italics.

“Do you know why you're here, son.” I said. I carefully observe every detail of Mr.Underwood.

“Do you know why you're here, son?” I questioned. I carefully observed every detail of Mr.Underwood.

"Your record says your only 23. Well, you are just a boy; are you not?” I stated.

"Your record says you're only 23. Well, you are just a boy; are you not?” I stated.

_____________________________________________________________________ I hope I was of some service to you and I apologize if I ever came across as rude or harsh; not my intent :)