Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4127458-20150509020105/@comment-24315706-20150522111002

EmpyrealInvective wrote: The story was deleted for not being up to quality standards so you were right in wanting a second opinion.

It feels rushed and shifts between present and past tense quite a bit. "She takes her leave, and I sit back." "It was coming from the door where my brother was. I was shocked-- I could hear?!"

"Knock. knock. (Knock.)" As sounds are also under the rules of capitalization and punctuation. Additionally since the knock is interrupting, there is no need to capitalize each word as if it is a new sentence. “Your-- KNOCK-- Son-- KNOCK- Is--KNOCK ready-- KNOCK-- to see--KNOCK-- you.” (Although you may want to use one hyphen instead of two to signify an interruption.

While being vague can help at times to increase mystery, I feel like some explanation is needed. What is the protagonist feeling? How is the sound connected to her brother and why is she hearing it (for the first time)? Is the brother's presence in some way threatening. If so, how? If not, why? A little mystery is fine, but too much really drags down a story. Agreed, I kind of feel the story's quite rushed, and I don't understand the need to use all caps at times. It doesn't add to the story. As for the repetition of hand signals, could it be better described as waving?