Talk:Ever Lonely/@comment-24890120-20160909233903

I like the vocabulary and tone you use. Perhaps it's just me, but I feel like combining a child-like attitude with higher-tier language was good to sort of describe a robotic companion without describing it as a monotonous machine. Although, I don't like the robot's brother. I see you tried to portray him as a generally bad kid, but you do it too harshly. "A vindictive, manipulative, sociopathic boy" sort of puts him as a somewhat generic mean dude, but that might be me nitpicking.

It was all pretty good until about halfway. My first question is, why is the evidence so obviously found? I mean, a kill-list in the drawer? That's not the place any smart kid would keep something remotely secret. Then the jars of eyeballs and ears and assorted body parts just chilling in the closet? Perhaps if they were in some secluded cabin in a desolate forest, that might be passable. But considering the police came to investigate, they're not.

My next question, is why was the robot and child so eager to cooperate with each other? I mean, they mortally hated each other before his death. I understand your previous explanation that the robot felt disconnect with them and was onvinced by the set of body parts, but as soon as she saw those organs she immediately allied with the brother. I would be suspicious that perhaps the brother himself put them there, since she kind of did hate him and considered him to be "sociopathic", and suffer from "insanity".

But all of these are excusable with a decent enough explanation. What really isn't though, is the ending. You didn't surprise me with the ending, and it left me wanting a lot more. You did very little with the concept of it being an AI (literally the only way it influenced the story was that sometimes the boy would splash water on it. Everything else he did could be chalked up as just sibling rivalry). You did very little with the parents' malevolent nature. In fact, they were perfectly normal before you introduced the (kinda bland) closet full of gibs and guts. You also did very little with the brother's assiness other than describing him as an ass.

I mean, I wouldn't expect you to elaborate a plot for each one of them, but pretty much everythinhg you built up just sort of trailed off.

If I really wanted to be a dick, I could also point out the fact the robot nodded despite being supposedly under complete control of the boy, but this is miniscule and affects the story next to nothing.

Overall, 6.5/10, better than average but very improveable. I wish you luck if you intend on working on it later.