Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27206683-20151113055917/@comment-27161672-20151113153506

There are a couple of things you should take a look at. First of all, as mentioned by someone else, your first paragraph is duplicated. Secondly, there are moments where your wording is a little strange and hard to follow. For example, you write:

"It's like a bonus to I give myself."

Obviously some words were mixed up there. However, this problem can be found in many places throughout the story. Another issue, in my opinion, is your pacing. You are so distant from the truth throughout your story. Suddenly, the last paragraph hits you with the truth. With your story having such an obvious ending, it's important to gradually get to your point. Dramatic changes like that are great when the change is unexpected. Think about every horror movie you've seen. When you know something is going to happen, it's more suspenseful with a slow build up. It leaves you with a sense of impatient anticipation.

Finally, I have a small problem with the believability of your story. I understand what you were going for with your "pizza delivery boy" concept. However, you mention the police having "hundreds" of different theories. Almost every police detective would pretty immediately do the work to find out the recent phone activity of each person. It wouldn't take long to find the correlation between time of death and a phone call to a pizza shop. With one phone call they can get the name of the delivery person in charge of that transaction. I'm sorry if you wanted us to live in a world where competent police didn't exist, but I feel like most people would be able to figure this one out.

It's definitely a decent story. It has potential to be something very well put together. It's just, at the moment, not a new idea or a well executed one.