Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5733573-20180731040414/@comment-9041013-20180731102949

Well to be honest, from the first sentence I already knew how this is going to end and thus you killed any and all possible "fear factor" occuring for me during this story. This unholy union thing is way too obvious way too early. You've literally shot your own story in the head with the opening line. :(

What a sad story.

Alright, now, back to being serious.

As I said before, I immediately suspected some kind of unholy union, be it parasites, aliens, whatever. I was even sure at certain points that it's a story about some cruel life cycle in nature. Turns out it was a bullet, that talks, why do even bullets talk? Weird.

Also, said bullet was never powerless to help the girl, do you know why? bullets are made for hurting people, killing people. So while I'm not saying you should turn the girl into a broken hearted killer. You should definitely change the monologue of the Bullet at certain spots. In places like where it says "Oh I was powerless to help" which, well, doesn't really make much sense considering its a bullet in the gun that belongs to a very emotionally unstable lady.

Speaking of an emotionally unstable lady, a bunch of bad men in her life could not have been the single reason for her decision to commit suicide, that is literally making a mockery of conditions like Depression. Even moreso, it's a wasted oppurtunity to describe other things that could've driven her to the brink.

If we stick to the theme of terrible lovers, how about describing one or two violent lovers the lady has had?

Descibe her suffering to me, because the way it is now, I feel like you expect me to feel for the girl after reading a few sentences that amount to "She has suffered greatly, believe me, she did!", I can't do that. I can't care, it's like reading the news about starving kids in Africa - out of sight, out of mind.

Some less successful suicide attempts might help, or just general self harm.

I suggest adding a playful description of the bullets entry into the girl as well, without giving to much in the way of it being a bullet rather than a living being. I mean, you've already went for the sexual innuendos so why not go all the way. Tell me more about how the bullet breaks through her barriers and pushes its way through the silky, moist soft to touch tissues of this girls brain.

Also, don't they kind of remove the bullets out of the dead when possible? o.o

So yeah, honestly, I think there's much to be done here to work decently but it's all up to you.