User blog:DrBobSmith/Discussion on Use of Tools On a Story

On October 18, 2018, new user Renlistorm put this in the Writer's Workshop. I have included the first draft of the story and my replies back to the author.

Hi James!

Sorry about this really random letter all of a sudden, I just wanted a chance to get all my feelings written down so if this doesn’t make much sense, I am sorry. I’m your classmate Ebony, you know, the one with the purple bag. Anyway, I am writing this letter to you to tell you how I truly feel about you. I care so much about you! Like seriously! I know we don’t really speak much, and I think you only ever said ‘nice bag’ to me that one time but I just can’t get you off my mind. I can’t stop thinking about you. When I go to bed at night, you’re in my head. When I wake up in the morning, you’re literally the first thing I think about. When I shower, when I watch TV- when I even eat my dinner! You’re always in my head! You’re so perfect and sweet. Being in your presence alone sends my heart fluttering. Even when I gaze at your photographs on my bedroom wall it makes me picture us together.

I just had a problem, and that was your girlfriend Kelly. I did think she was nice, she helped me revise for my science exam and I passed because of her! So please don’t think I hated her or anything because I could never hate someone! But I just didn’t think she was right for you and I wished you broke up with her sooner. She didn’t love you like how I love you. And she never truly treasured you; you deserve to be treasured after all! Because of how amazing you are. And I treasure you every day. You have no idea! I sometimes watch you from your bedroom window and just sigh as I am reminded of how much of a wonderful person you are. You complete me. I like to watch you sleep. You’re just so peaceful and it’s such an adorable sight! I enjoy listening to the sound of your heartbeat as well! Your heart that I hope will belong to me soon. The sound is so comforting and makes me feel like I’m home. Because you are my home. You’re my everything. And Kelly won’t see that. She will never see that. You didn’t deserve her. You don’t deserve any of those girls or boys at school. You deserve someone who truly knows how special you are. And just to prove how much I love you and how loyal I will be to you, I’ve removed Kelly from the picture.

Don’t worry. I haven’t forced her to break up with you or anything. I’m not that horrible! I couldn't mess with a woman's feelings like that. But she definitely won’t be bothering us again. Ever. Nevertheless, I know that she meant a lot to you. Attached to this letter you’ll find a small parcel. There’s a piece of Kelly in there, something to remember her by. I’m not cruel, I wouldn’t make you forget about your ex girlfriend! I know that you liked her eyes so keep them! It’s my gift to you.

We’ll be together soon, James. I just know it. I love you so much. I hope you realise this. Nobody could ever love you as much as I love you. You’ll come to accept my feelings really soon. Kelly isn’t here anymore, so nothing is standing in the way between you and I.

When you are ready, unlock your bedroom door.

Yours and only yours

Ebony <3

Hi James!

Sorry about this really random letter all of a sudden, I just wanted a chance to get all my feelings written down so if this doesn’t make much sense, I am sorry. I’m your classmate Ebony, you know, the one with the purple bag. Anyway, I am writing this letter to you to tell you how I truly feel about you. I care so much about you! Like seriously! I know we don’t really speak much, and I think you only ever said ‘nice bag’ to me that one time but I just can’t get you off my mind. I can’t stop thinking about you. When I go to bed at night, you’re in my head. When I wake up in the morning, you’re literally the first thing I think about. When I shower, when I watch TV- when I even eat my dinner! You’re always in my head! You’re so perfect and sweet. Being in your presence alone sends my heart fluttering. Even when I gaze at your photographs on my bedroom wall it makes me picture us together.

I just had a problem, and that was your girlfriend Kelly. I did think she was nice, she helped me revise for my science exam and I passed because of her! So please don’t think I hated her or anything because I could never hate someone! But I just didn’t think she was right for you and I wished you broke up with her sooner. She didn’t love you like how I love you. And she never truly treasured you; you deserve to be treasured after all! Because of how amazing you are. And I treasure you every day. You have no idea! I sometimes watch you from your bedroom window and just sigh as I am reminded of how much of a wonderful person you are. You complete me. I like to watch you sleep. You’re just so peaceful and it’s such an adorable sight! I enjoy listening to the sound of your heartbeat as well! Your heart that I hope will belong to me soon. The sound is so comforting and makes me feel like I’m home. Because you are my home. You’re my everything. And Kelly won’t see that. She will never see that. You didn’t deserve her. You don’t deserve any of those girls or boys at school. You deserve someone who truly knows how special you are. And just to prove how much I love you and how loyal I will be to you, I’ve removed Kelly from the picture.

Don’t worry. I haven’t forced her to break up with you or anything. I’m not that horrible! I couldn't mess with a woman's feelings like that. But she definitely won’t be bothering us again. Ever. Nevertheless, I know that she meant a lot to you. Attached to this letter you’ll find a small parcel. There’s a piece of Kelly in there, something to remember her by. I’m not cruel, I wouldn’t make you forget about your ex girlfriend! I know that you liked her eyes so keep them! It’s my gift to you.

We’ll be together soon, James. I just know it. I love you so much. I hope you realise this. Nobody could ever love you as much as I love you. You’ll come to accept my feelings really soon. Kelly isn’t here anymore, so nothing is standing in the way between you and I.

When you are ready, unlock your bedroom door.

Yours and only yours

Ebony <3

Renlistorm,

There are several levels of correction to stories published in the Writer's Workshop.


 * 1) You read it and still don't know what the heck it was and now you have a headache.
 * 2) You read it, you understand it but it's slow and painful going.
 * 3) You read it and you're bored.  It's dull.  No creepy, no horror.
 * 4) You read it and the overall idea is interesting.  The use of English has some problems, but you know what they are trying to do and you genuinely think this can become a good addition to the site with work.

Your work is at stage 4. Good basic story, English that's reasonable for doing non-literature work.

Grammarly won't find your problem. Actually, it doesn't catch that many errors with your story. It's worth cleaning it up using grammarly first to eliminate those errors though.

First step - run on sentences. You have one in an awkward place. That sentence needs to be found and fixed. I suggest https://www.scribens.com/ to do that. Note: Don't copy from scribens back to your story. It has a bug and can cause words to disappear. Manually duplicate the change in MS Word or whatever you are using. Use scribens only to find that run on sentence and check the other issues. (paste it in, check the story, and there's a radio button on the left side to check for run-on sentences)

Second step - flabby sentences. https://prowritingaid.com - but the free version only checks the first 500 words. Your story is 587 words so leave off the last few paragraphs from "Don't Worry" on with your first try and then work that part later.

Check out your story with the buttons on the menu across the top. "Overused" is an important one here. Too many instances of the same word. It will tell you:


 * Report Summary


 * just/then - Remove about 4 occurrences from 7
 * believe/think - Remove about 4 occurrences from 6
 * knew/know - Remove about 2 occurrences from 4
 * generic descriptions (watch/notice/observe/very) - Remove about 1 occurrence from 3
 * feel/feels/feeling/felt - Remove about 1 occurrence from 2

This is time to click the [More +] button and use the Thesaurus option. See what comes up. You may also want to use an on line thesaurus.

At this point, ask yourself with every word you see whether it needs to be there to further the story. If it doesn't, take it out. You may find your story losing perhaps 20%. Better a micropastra that really pops than a dull and long pasta.

Sticky, Diction and Echoes are very handy as well. Diction's vague and abstract report says. I put the top few in bold because those are the ones to watch.

Vague & Abstract Words (24)
 * about - about (6)
 * like - like (4)
 * all - all (3)
 * really - really (2)
 * feel - feel (2)
 * anything - anything (2)
 * down - down (1)
 * Anyway - Anyway (1)
 * Like - Like (1)
 * a lot - a lot (1)
 * would - would (1)

Echoes will say the same thing - too many uses of the same words in too close proximity.

https://www.slickwrite.com is very useful to find "Starting word recycled in paragraph." If a word at the beginning of a sentence is highlighted, hover over it to see if it's a recycle.

At the point where I think I am through, I run it through Grammarly again and make sure nothing has been screwed up.

See what comes out. If you are computer savvy, this shouldn't take more than an hour or two for a story your size.

Renlistorm,

Once you've polished it as well as you can, post it here in the Writer's Workshop. You your original story by hovering your mouse around the lower right corner of the story, clicking on MORE and edit it.

Dr. Bob