Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26600200-20150708154518/@comment-26007602-20150708180122

Alright, first off, you can't end a past tense horror story where the narrator dies. If the narrator dies, then how is he telling the story in past tense? It doesn't make sense and is a fairly large issue.

There are a few grammatical errors. You need spaces after commas (the third paragraph is strangely missing that), and you need to cut down on the use of ellipses. They don't create suspense and just appear melodramatic when used outside of dialogue. They're only used when quoting a line or to indicate a pause in dialogue. Also, "constriction site" should be "construction site".

Finally, this story just isn't very scary. Nothing creepy or unnerving happens. The protagonist is teased and immediately decides to kill herself. It's fairly unrealistic, and the act of suicide in itself with no build up isn't scary in the least. We don't know anything about the narrator, aside from the clothes she's wearing and that she's fat. She has no personality and we can't relate to her, so nobody really cares when she decides to end her life right out of the blue (Seriously, she is teased once and decides to end her life. Come on). The way she commits suicide is also a bit ridiculous. I can understand someone staring at a cliff and jumping off, but running blindly until you just fall off? That's not scary, that's ridiculous.