Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20150518040934/@comment-26248899-20150518051914

It's very clear that you have put a lot of thought and work into this story. I don't mind its long form, but the structure makes it uninteresting. You also pay good attention to detail, but overdo it certain areas that slow down the reader's train of thought. Since I know you have been working very hard, I have a few suggestions as follows:

1. Don't describe the monster right away. Within the first few paragraphs you've told the reader absolutely everything about the murderous entity and there's nothing to be afraid of. What follows after the description is just murder, which isn't creepy, it's just gory. For some people that is creepy, but I think most of the readership here is looking for more subtlety and suspense. Instead, provide either small details along the way, or wait until the end of the story to reveal the monster. That way the reader is trying to guess at what is killing the characters and frantically has to mentally fill in the blanks.

2. Change the perspective. Similar to #1, if the demon is describing everything it is doing all the time in obvious detail, there is no suspense and no mystery. It's just a matter of fact explanation of what happened, and that isn't really entertaining. A good alternative would be to describe each death from the brief perspective of each character. Each time they catch a slightly bigger glimpse of what is killing them and the reader can build a profile in there head. At the same time, as the demon works its way to the driver, suspense is built up.

3. I appreciate the fact that you do your best not to redundantly use words and descriptors; but, because you're narrating from the third/second person, you have to use demon/gnome/hell a lot, and it makes for a difficult read. This is why I think you should change the perspective. That way you can use the pronouns of the characters and don't have to rely on revolving descriptions for Hell.

Right, now on to the positives. Your setting is great. The introduction is good if a little long-winded. You highlight regions and colloquialisms that a lot of writers on this site don't normally use, and that is a good, unique trait to make yourself stand out. Keep that up.

I'm not saying you should copy the structure of other writers, but utilizing suspense is a very effective and popular tool for a reason. Keep up the good work and let me know when this story makes it out of the workshop.