Talk:Midwest/@comment-24974354-20150622053425

to start, i want to say i loved the beginning very much. your descriptions of the midwest were beautiful and flowed impeccably. it was like reading a published novel, it really was stunning.

however, once action began to pick up, things got more confusing, cluttered, and it seemed as if you hadn't proofread.

first and foremost, you use repeated phrases, such as "ran and ran and ran" to the point of overkill. now and again, i find things like that tasteful, but to the point of excess it just feels overdone and detracts from the overall quality of the work. i would suggest going back and maybe removing or changing some of these repeated phrases now and again, and that should polish itself up nicely.

secondly, i would like to let you know that there were some really bad tense-changes. your story seemed to start in the past-tense and then changed to present-tense. for a few paragraphs, it seemed to swap back and forth. i went ahead and changed these as best i could to how i thought it should be ( i defaulted to past-tense since it is what you started out with ), and then left the end in present tense since it felt appropriate for the narration. i guess this is mostly just a heads-up for your upcoming writing, since it can be easily fixed with a quick proof-read c:

the only other thing i have to point out in terms of tecnique is this sentence: "The endless ocean of cornfields, birthed by man's labors seem to go on without end, but with no signs of those who created it." the sentence is a bit lengthy and technically should read something like, "The endless ocean of cornfields, birthed by man's labors, seem to go on without end, but with no signs of those who created it," with that extra comma. this, though, puts in a few too many commas, i think? in terms of style, at least. personally, i would change it, but i feel like stylistic changes should be left up to the original author.

anyway, i found the idea interesting. the suspense and creep factor was definitely there and could be amped up by removing a few of the aforementioned repetitions and some of the more cliche phrases. i think you write beautifully and have some really good ideas, and i am glad i got to read this pasta. keep up the lovely work!