Board Thread:General Wiki Discussion/@comment-36845746-20180913122300/@comment-36845746-20180916112630

DrBobSmith wrote: ShamansLore wrote: I hope you can actauly hear this one... https://youtu.be/Eb8L1d1GAqE MUCH better.

By my ear, that's either right on or just a bit high. Certainly very close. MUCH better!

Now I can get down to the business of giving a real critique. You have the same issues most people do with their first creepypasta. These are issues that many people fix in their second creepypasta.

The background audio is somewhat too loud and it sounds too monotonous. I don't think it should be constant. That track telegraphs creepy too clearly, then telegraphs it again with the same message and then keeps repeating the same message.

Watch your enunciation. Slow down. Read carefully. Listen carefully to this sentence at about 7:15. "There were shell casings on the ground, and the hot smell of gunpowder in the air, but they were gone." There were parts where the words blended together. You need to make every word clear to the listener. Take your time and practice the story a few times.

You seem "breathy." Watch that. Be able to turn that on and off. You will at times want to do that breathy tone deliberately, perhaps even stronger.

You had a tiny "click" at oh maybe 6:25 when you re-started the background music.

Your voice sounds young and your accent sounds like it isn't from the USA. Maybe UK or New Zealand? I am not sure. This is the story of someone from Amarillo, Texas. They talk about being through as a rube. This is going to be someone with a West Texas/Oklahoma accent. They talk about being older and the hydrogen bombs in the South Pacific. The first hydrogen bomb test was code-named Mike of Operation Ivy. It was on October 31, 1952, and was the world's first successful hydrogen bomb test. That's like eight years after the incident related in the creepypasta. So the narrator should be like 30 or older, booming and sounding of Lone Star beer and Camel cigarettes.

That's not a limit for you. It's an attribute. If you look for stories where your voice can work as believable for the protagonist, you will find thousands on this site. Heck, I can think of two of mine where you would be perfect as is, with exactly that accent, pitch, breathiness, and intonation.

I look forward to listening to your next creation. Which of yours do you feel would be good for me to read? I'd love to!

Thank you so much for the constructiveness of this comment, you're right about the accent, I'm from the UK so I probably wasn't the best person to read this but I loved the story and thought I'd give it a go anyway :)

I'll keep everything you said in mind, I hope I won't sound as breathy when I'm not so self conscious about speaking too loud, hopefully I'll get over that soon!! Thank you