Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20190730183504/@comment-9041013-20190731095810

While I do agree with Helel on giving the closing statement some taste by adding some sort of more tangible background (dungeon, torture cave, whatever place, setting...).

I think that the way the narrator is structured is what kills this the most. It feels too much like the narrator is talking to the readers, and these stories are hella hard to pull off properly. Perhaps you should make your narrator All Knowing, turn the "You" into a character with a name and it's own life and then use the ending to reveal that the narrator was an in-story character breaking the fourth wall by telling the story from its perspective to the audience.