Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28682892-20160607184959/@comment-24101790-20160607191507

There are a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, please use source mode when posting. Using visual editor causes this coding to appear on every line: "SKIPPING " This can cause formatting issues and even make a story unreadable. Onto issues that factored into the story's deletion. There are a lot of capitalization, punctuation, wording, and story issues here.

Capitalization: "she meant the world to me, Wherever I was", "all (All) I got out of it was a simple statement but it went unanswered.", "to give me a small shot as He listened to my screams die out.", " in. please (Please) god help me, please.", etc.

Punctuation issues: Punctuation improperly used. "I interrupted before she could finish,", "he grunted before standing up," If you are continuing dialogue on another line, you need to use a colon. You also forget to add question marks and commas a number of times. “Laura. Where is she!(?)", "Shocked I could only stare at the enraged woman in front of me.", "Well an officer was there." Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "suspects neck"

Wording issues: A lot of lines feel awkward in the story. "This is not a hello, more of a goodbye.", "Sadly, this was also her end.", "The next thing I recall was a cop scanner and a rushed ambulance.", etc. "Before I can get a word out she begins you yell", " It was closer to (too) close.", "I don’t remember to (too) much of it.", "His face bound open as if trying to get help.", etc. There are a lot of these issues, I suggest proof-reading your stories more carefully.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were that resulted in the story's deletion. First and foremost, the characters need a lot of work. The dialogue feels forced and awkward. "“Daddy, left me for dead,” they sang, “But now he’s been left.”", "Don’t worry mommy I’ll help with that, off with his head.”", etc. Then there's the mother. "She looked down and her face went from a frown to an almost evil smile." Why exactly is she smiling? Her daughter is dead. Did you mean to type snarl or a facial feature that denotes anger. Smiling seems like an odd choice here.

Story issues cont.: There is also quite a bit of stuff that requires explanation. "a swarm of reporters around my bed. They all pushed through the officer but didn’t get enough words out to make full sentences." Why exactly is he being badgered by reporters in the first place? This isn't really a high-profile piece of news. There's no indication that he's famous, and most of all, it seems like an accident. Their presence needs explanation. Additionally, why are they having problems talking? Why is this man a suspect ("Suspect was found bounded up with a small surgical knife found locked into place of suspects neck.")? What crime did he commit? Being involved in an accident isn't breaking the law and there's nothing implied to state he did.

Story issues end.: Finally there's the end. "Oh god the door just wiggled open, and the skipping its coming in. please god help me, please." Why exactly is he still writing this? He is in direct danger. It seems ridiculous that he'd keep writing while being attacked. The latter half of the story feels very rushed and there isn't sufficient build-up to the ghost daughter attacking her father. It makes the ending feel anti-climactic. I'm sorry, but if you want to salvage this story, it's going to take a lot of work and you'll likely have to re-write it from the ground up as there are a lot of fundamentally wrong things in the story.