Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10789912-20160822181355/@comment-10789912-20160822221044

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Here are a few of the issues I came across at a glance:

I'm not sure if you're using English or American spelling methods "the sun now almost completely rested and letting darkness take form, was only possible due to the fuel of rage that burnt (burned is the American spelling) within him as a constant hellfire in seek of revenge against Leviathan." and "clothed in a grey (gray is American) overcoat that reached past his knees."

"The air smelled and tasted so much different." This is a bit awkwardly worded.

"it was obvious that a man just having come from the forest with a Machete (machete) on his back during a moment of crime would not sit well with law enforcement."

"Then, too (to) his right, he saw him."

"The eyes of a man whom (who) had gotten what he wanted." This is a little helpful tip to tell the difference on who/whom. if the subject is he/she, it is who. If it is her/him, you use whom. So "for whom the bell tolls (time marches on)" The bell tolls for him.

""You'd under all of their work just to sate your own powerlust?"" This feels like you're missing a word or two.

""What?" is (was) all he could say."

"The god only gave a tired sigh as he transported himself in a view (veil) of mist"

I'm also wondering if pantheon should be capitalized as it seems like a proper noun.

I'm hesitant to give a lot of feedback on the story as this seems like the first chapter and it's been a while since I read the other parts in the series to effectively discuss the series in its entirety. I liked how you worked the summary of the previous events into dialogue (""The pantheon is over. You took the liberty of severing Mendes' head, Dread was killed by my hand- and your blade, and Enki, as you may have noticed, looses his immortality whilst I am manifested.") as a quick/natural refresher.

I will say that the dialogue could use some revision in places as it doesn't feel natural/organic (""I wanted this all to be over!" Michael exclaimed, lifting the machete to shoulder height. "This lifelong nightmare was supposed to end!" "I promise you, once I kill you, all of this will end mere moments later.""( generally try to avoid critiquing a story without the full parts so I'll leave that to Banning or another person who you requested feedback from. Thank you. I'll be posting an updated version of the lore blog when the story releases for easy reference to early details. I'll fix all of those spelling and phrasing errors, and for clarification, I generally try to use American spelling. Thank you again for pointing these errors out to me.