Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26007602-20150501010846/@comment-25763427-20150504133241

Whitix wrote:

SoPretentious wrote: It does explain a lot when you put it that way. I think that explanation really doesn't add to the story any. You could turn the story into a dream or something, but then, it would make the story less suspenseful. I think it is good without the symbolism. The factory doesn't make me think of society. If it became a part of someone's imagination, then I think the excitement level would drop way down. You have a point. The theme doesn't quite relate to the content. I'll rework this a bit and try a new path. Your input is appreciated.

Beetle bub wrote: [1] "his dizzied mind" Dazed is a better word here in my opinion.

Other then that, I don't see any problems, besides the ending being a tad dissapointing. You have tension, but it doesn't go anywhere. Thanks for taking the time to read through. The ending is disappointing because this isn't the ending; this is only the first half. Good to know it has tension though. Oh alright, I'm sorry, I forgot that this was the only the first part.