Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24747577-20140330022247/@comment-10950063-20140402181239

All right.

It's too rushed. In the first graf you're laying out the set-up and then immediately having the character get mysterious instant messages. There needs to be more in between those two things. The reaction to the IMs doesn't work. It's clearly not someone playing a joke and no reasonable person would think that.

A lot of this reads like a summary. You need to actually write the story. This sounds like the way you would tell a story to your friend.

You need to start a new paragraph everytime there's a new speaker. Some comma usage issues.

This needs a lot of fleshing out. Tell the story more actively.