Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28299494-20160628152608/@comment-28266772-20160628161412

Repetition: so I think I can walk. So I walked /

Tense issues: I thought. Alabama St. was right across the block so I think [thought] /  I get [got] the ice cream bucket and start[ed] to head out the door when I saw it

Spelling: So we played 2 [you should spell out numbers that are less than 10] /

Capitalization: tv [should be TV] /

Wording: behaved and ate all her dinner [couldn’t tell you why this sounds so weird, it just does. Maybe you should try ‘had eaten all of her’ instead of ‘ate’] / “Well maybe it’s in the garage.” I questioned [just say ‘asked’, ‘questioned’ sounds too awkward here] / and was correct of the whereabouts of this freezer [again just awkwardly worded, it’s a strange mix of formal (e.g. correct) and casual ( e.g. whereabouts) tone]. / wanted to play just very flexible with her jaw. [this just needs a fundamental rewording]

Punctuation: with a wide smile, motionless staring at me through a window [the comma here doesn’t connect correctly, in particular because the word ‘motionless’ sits in between the two clauses with no connective tissue. A simple ‘motionless and staring’ would solve this] / but this is really urgent? [unnecessary '?']

Story: It was creepy in a way, but I thought nothing of it when Rachel called me over. [really?] / So I looked for a freezer and there wasn’t one in the kitchen. [this person babysits all the time, but doesn’t know where the freezer is?] / She looked creepier this way, [why?] / but I thought maybe she and was a neighbor that wanted to play [again, really? This girl sounds like a nightmare made real and the babysitter just couldn't care less]

Formatting: Wall of text, too many line spaces between paragraphs, and there’s no reason to show the dialogue like a script with Babysitter: and Parents: It should just be written like normal dialogue from the first person perspective. E.g.

“So you need me to come right now?” I asked the parents.

“Yes, we’re sorry for calling on such short notice but this is really urgent,” they replied.

-

Story issues continued:

1 The babysitter’s patience with the girl is astounding. She keeps asking for random crap and they just keep getting it.

2 Parents would not react so nonchalantly to finding out their child is dead.

Overall – loved the twist, loved the idea. Thought you wrote some bits quite well but you need to work on your spelling, punctuation, grammar, wording and formatting. You need to present your story properly. Also I have not included all of your mistakes here, just some of them, so you’ll need to carefully read through your story again and pick out errors. Once you’ve done this I’d recommend you post the story back here and for another revision. Overall though the core idea is clever and scary, so you shouldn’t give up on it. With some work it could be a good story.