Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34532494-20180218220153/@comment-24101790-20180218222750

Krcjul wrote: Icydice wrote: He did need to copy and paste that, since you copy and pasted the story onto here without taking his advice the first time. The only difference is that I actually changed the story, he just flat out copy and pasted the advice. Also, I DID take his advice, you just didn't read both of the texts.

I actually did, I added on to the parts you amended:

tory issues cont.: The biggest issue here is that the journal entries are extremely rushed and don't really convey any tension or build up the story. This needs description if you're looking to create an image. What type of food is he giving? What threats are he making? (you add a little here, but it still feels bare bones and pretty bland.) What does the man look like? Also, there's almost a two week lapse between entries. What was he doing in that time? The earlier entry made it seem like he has nothing in that room other than the journal and pencil. This lack of detail results in the story feeling bland and un-engaging.

'''Story issues cont.: The ending to the journal also creates its own plot holes. If the mayor escaped, why are they only hearing about this over a decade later? Why hasn't he contacted any authority (police, FBI, etc.).'''