In the Office of Doctor Cockroach

Yes?

Thank you, Miss. Send him in, please.

Ah, good morning, sir, good morning! Come in, come in.

Hm. Yes, I was warned this might happen. I've taken the liberty of setting the door to lock behind you.

What do I want from you? Why, I'm your psychiatrist for the day!

Doctor Lehrmann was called away on business, I'm afraid. Very last-minute. He arranged for me to attend his appointments today, in his stead. He brought up you in particular… Said a bit of "immersion therapy" might do you good.

Yes, now if you'll calm down and take a seat. Why don't we get started?

Alright. Let us begin with the origins of your phobia. Where do you think the-

Yes?

Of course, sir. If it makes you feel more comfortable. One moment.

Hrk!

Ah. There. is the distance between us now acceptable?

Well, I suppose we will have to make do. Now, where was I… Ah, yes, the origins of your phobia. Where do you suppose your fear originated?

Hm. Yes. A young, impressionable age.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Well, I suppose I wouldn't want an uninvited dinner guest crawling around in my food either. But surely such a one-time incident couldn't be the sole foundation of a life-long phobia.

Ah, of course. The cinematic world can have great effects on the young mind.

Hm. Certainly a grotesque image.

What?

"Dirty"? Why, sir, I take offense to that! Cockroaches are quite fastidious about their hygiene, in fact. They groom themselves frequently.

Cockroaches are not necessarily found in "dirty places". They simply enjoy having a large supply of readily available food. Can you speak of yourself differently?

Hm. I'll tell you what, sir. Why don't we try a different approach? If you'll excuse the pun.

Now if you'll allow me to cross to the closet-

Please, sir, your display of panic is unnecessary. I simply wish to help you, and, in turn, help others. Now, let me see.

Ah, here she is. Come take a look.

Isn't she beautiful?

This "ungodly thing", as you so cruelly put it, is a prime specimen of Blaberus giganteus - more commonly known as the giant cockroach.

Calm down, sir! Rest assured, you shall never find Rosalita or any of her compatriots inside your mashed potatoes.

Why, that's her name, sir. Rosalita Cristina Cucaracha, in full. Señorita Cucaracha, if you're feeling a bit saucy!

Naming something anthropomorphizes it. It makes it seem more human. Surely even a cockroach-phobe such as yourself can empathize with a cockroach named Rosalita, yes?

No? Why, surely you jest! Look at her! Isn't she a cutie?

No, no. Rosalita and her kind dwell in South America. They feed almost entirely on vegetation found on the forest floor. They pose no threat to you, or to your dinner.

Excellent! We're making progress already. And plus, she's safely isolated from you by the walls of this jar. For now, at least.

Of course I do. It's the only way you can be helped.

It's classic immersion therapy, my good man! If you are comfortable with me, you should be comfortable with the cockroach isolated inside this jar.

Why not?

Sir, you are being quite irrational. Cockroaches are harmless creatures. Your fear is dangerous, not only to yourself, but to these beautiful creatures.

Sir, if you remember, I had the door set to lock before you arrived. You must not let your fear control you. You cannot leave until our session ends.

I feel as though we should move on to the next step. Have a look at this.

Calm down. These are Blattella germanica. Sometimes called German cockroaches. They are harmless.

Of course they do. But your introductions with them will come later.

No, no. These beautiful creatures are primarily found in human settlements. They live in human homes, feed on human food… They have established a wonderful relationship with humans.

Of course it's wonderful! Humans and cockroaches live in harmony across the world! Neither can exist without the other! Your fear is irrational! it damages our symbiosis!

You're being irrational. We must move to the next step immediately. I'm going to open the jar and put your hand in it.

Sir, calm down. They will do you no harm. They love you. They love humans, all humans.

Sir?

Sir, please put down the book. I assure you, I am incapable of being squashed.

Well, sir, how would you feel if I threatened you with such an object? You wouldn't feel very good about that, would you?

Sir, please stop that. Please-

Gah!

My cockroaches! No, no! Come back!

Aaah! No! You monster! You horrible monster! You're killing my children! My babies! My babies!

ZZZZZHHHHHTTTTT

Oh dear.

No, no. Hush. Calm down, my children. The monster is gone now.

Miss, cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the day.

I'd better give Lehrmann a call.

Hush, children. Hush, my babies. You're safe now. You're safe. You're all safe.

Credited to dodoman1