Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180801055133/@comment-26444017-20180801062147

There are some details that I found unnecessary. Specific makes and models are usually unimportant. The only exception i can think of would be if police were involved, and an APB was put out on a car. This is only one example, but I think you get the point.

The beginning is short, which is fine. The abduction happens quick, it makes sense. However, it could do with a bit more detail to help smooth things. I found it a bit choppy, people and events popping into existence to serve their roles, but with no other actions or purpose.

I think a second mention of Obama's policy is unnecessary. It can easily be incorperated with the first, and it makes it seem less biased. I noticed the comment on the actual page and the short discussion that ensued, and I don't think that you are biased, but the piece may come off thatway a bit. Simply put, include that detail once as a narrative explanation, and move on.

If you really want to play up the torture aspect, detail and description are going to be your bestest friends. You can add so much without actually expanding the story, and it can help mitigate some road bumps.

Finally, the last line seems to be thrown in for no real reason other than to tie back to the title. I've seen this happen before, and even used it a couple times in my stories, but i always try to make it fit with the natural dialogue, or otherwise make it subtle. I suggest doing the same if you want to include that line, or otherwise change it to something teh character would actually say, leaving the title as is or changing it accordingly.

Hopefully the above is helpful and addresses your major concerns. :)