Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26536577-20150628155556

I fixed some issues I was told to fix but I can't seem to fix what he noted as a story issue. He stated "The story is way too rushed and lacks any sense of build-up. It comes off as a story made to highlight Disney's nefarious deeds, but really gives no reason or explanation for that reason"

I understand this completely, though it was not my intention. I just thought Disney might make a good setting. Correct me if I'm wrong. Also, this was meant to be an incredibly short micropasta.

Here it is:

It was October 5th, 2012. I found myself in Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom once more. The day went so well as almost all do! The happiest place on earth and it really felt like it was, however… something strange happened to me. I’m not one to believe in all that creepy Disney crap that is all over the internet. I usually just disregard them as attempts to corrupt the image of perfection that Disney tries to keep. Today, I was sitting on a bench outside the Haunted Mansion which is my favorite ride in all honesty and it was my first time riding it since they recently had opened the new extended cemetery queue. I was waiting for my friend, John, who was buying a turkey leg and a drink before the ride so I was getting pretty excited. It was at this moment that a woman took seat next to me and began to marvel at the large structure before us.

“Do you like it?” I ask her.

“It’s truly magnificent. I always come here with my boy. It’s his favorite ride!” she replied.

“Same here, I’ve been coming since I was small. Nothing like Disney’s ‘imagineering’ huh?”

Suddenly, a small child runs over to the woman. He smiled and hugged her before looking at me and hiding behind her, much like children that age usually do when they meet new people.

“His name is Elliot.” she said. “I’m Flora.”

I replied “I’m Jason. How are you, Elliot?”

Elliot didn’t reply, but he looked into my eyes for a few seconds. It was such a deep and constant stare it gave me chills. Just like that, he smiled, broke eye contact with me and ran back into the gates of the Haunted Mansion. I took a deep breath as if someone lifted a weight off my chest as he left. It felt so unnatural.

“Elliot, don’t get lost!” Flora said in a moderately loud yet gentle way.

Here’s where it got strange.

“Flora! Flora! Flora, what are you doing?” a man asked as he walked over to her. However, she ignored him as if he were not there. He then looked at me and spoke.

“Pardon my wife. She’s not been herself lately. She’s been telling everyone about our son.”

“Oh yeah Elli-” he cut me off abruptly.

“Yeah... ever since our son died, she’s had a hard time coming to terms with reality.”

I quickly swallowed my words. My gut clenched together tightly as I got the cold feeling of dread as I turned pale. I wanted to throw up. My friend came over just as soon as the man left with his wife. I told John to give me some of his soda to try to settle my pains. I shook off any remaining unease I found in my system and picked up the upbeat Disney vibes once more. I entered the Mansion gates with john after he’d been done eating his turkey leg. All of the sudden, I felt my eyes water as we walked along a strange set of graves. Graves that looked too plain and ‘real’ for that matter. Disney graves are usually very elaborate and beautiful in their own way. I heard a low child-like voice which made me stop and turn my head in its direction. Coming face to face with a gravestone, I felt a cold chill begin to settle which paralyzed me as I read a now most familiar and simple name- Elliot.

For some reason it's not letting me indent the paragraphs. Is there a way to indent them I'm not aware of? or... 