Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34553361-20180202005525/@comment-26399604-20180202045842

Hi CoolImCool,

STORY

The story you've written is extremely rushed. The first thing to note is that you've only provided dialogue with little to none narrative. Even if you wanted to create a story with strictly dialogue, the bits you've included don't really amount to anything. One minute a boy is getting ready for school, the next he's hearing a voice offering him power, and then without warning, he's dead. There was no build-up and the ending is so abrupt.

Since it's clear you want to focus only on dialogue, take advantage of it. Stretch this story out and use the dialogue to paint an image for the reader. The "entity" seems to behave like the wind which works to your advantage since it can't physically be seen. The drawback of using only dialogue means you're conversations will have to be interesting enough to maintain the reader's attention.

It sounds like your going for a story where the entity wants to trick the boy by enticing him with power, but you need to sell it. Have a build-up to that moment -- the boy should have a reason to wants its "gift". The back and forth between the two should lead somewhere, providing a story, and to the end result you want. If the entity has been doing this for a long time, it needs to sound clever. It needs to be persuasive, confident, and know how to handle each victim differently -- again, this falls back on why the protagonist would want a gift like the one its offering.

Now, you don't have to follow that roadmap exactly, but you want to give your "entity" a personality -- make them stand out. Again, since you've only included dialogue, it makes much more difficult, but it's not entirely impossible. I suggest taking a look at a story like What Is Your Pleasure? where a demon does all the talking but its words are enough to paint a picture.

GRAMMAR

Your story is riddled with so many mistakes for such a small piece. Many of them could have been caught using a spell check program either in Microsoft or a free one on Spellcheck.net. :

+Need a space after punctuation.

Ex: "The reaper of dreams,[space]the devil of life,[space]the demon of wind and the god of death."

+New line for dialogue.

Ex: "Gasp!"

[newline]

"What the hell was that?!"

'''+Next, you only added punctuation to a statement where a character was yelling. If you're not using a question or exclamation mark then the dialogue should end like a normal sentence with a period.'''

Ex: "Deal[.]"

+There's also areas where you don't add apostrophes for contractions or capitalize "I" pronouns.

Ex: "[I'm] the wind and [I'll] give you the power to control me but you must give us your face[.]"

+There's also a misspellings.

Ex: "Will get ready for [school]!"

Ex 2: Wills face [flies] off and all [that's] left is a blank head.

OVERALL

The story is extremely rushed and needs to be stretched out a bit. I advice looking over other stories dealing with demons to get an idea of how to shape your entity into a memorable being. This seems like a piece you could have fun with if you're willing to put the work in it.

Hope this helps.