Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5554608-20150702050515/@comment-26007602-20150702183711

I'm not going to sugarcoat things here. Prepare for a lot of direct statements.

Alright, so the amount of things you directly tell us about the characters really detract from the story. You need to show the characters' personalities through their actions and interactions with other characters, not tell us every little detail about them. Many of these "character details" aren't important to the story at all, and have no reason for being there. I don't care that one of your characters hates sadness if it doesn't matter in the story I'm reading. It's extraneous information and doesn't belong. The fact that you start your story off by introducing your characters really doesn't bode well for the story. Many readers will click off and lose interest immediately because you haven't hooked them into the story. I think removing those character bios would improve the story.

You have a number of tense issues in your story. "The three teenagers talked about what they've learned today there." "They've" implies present tense, but the other part of the sentence is in past tense, so it should be changed to "they had learned."

Along with that, you have many short, choppy phrases that break up the flow of the story (They are also grammatically incorrect). Phrases like: "This time, history", "Like the trees which swayed in the chilly and cool weather", and "And told their parents and the principle for a bonus of getting a raise." really detract from the story because they don't flow well with the rest of the story. You need to combine these into actual sentences.

But I'm more interested in plot and the story itself. I'm going to jot down notes here as I go.

"Espresso-Ville" sounds like a town you'd see in a coffee commercial. Naming the town after a drink really seems odd and immediately draws the reader out of the story as they wonder why you chose to name the town, "Espresso-Ville". Calling the characters "Espresso-Villains" seems odd as well. One would think the town name would match with the weird language everything else has.

"I know we all go to Ms. Rewolpuaguelkov room to learn history." Said Yelgueewenano. He saw the beware looks on Nelukov face. Also, Oirkamtkov. They never trusted him when he spoke simply because the fact he'd always got them into trouble." There are multiple issues here.  Grammatically: "He saw the beware looks on Nelukov face."  This sentence doesn't make sense.  "Also, Oirkamtkov."  This is an annoying and incomplete phrase that could quite easily be combined into the previous sentence.  "I know we all go to Ms. Rewolpuaguelkov room to learn history." You need to use an apostrophe and an s to denote who possesses the room.  Storywise:  You are telling and not showing here with, "They never trusted him when he spoke simply because the fact he'd always got them into trouble."  It's fine to have backstory for the characters, but we need to get a sense of their personalities first.

"They had fun for a half an hours" Half an hour

"Eventually, they got caught by the janitor and was sent home." Were sent home.

"Yelgueewenano tried to explain to them the janitor shouldn't had been there at that time." Shouldn't have been

Read the characters' dialogue. They aren't having a conversation here; they're delivering exposition and it's incredibly obvious. This doesn't sound like realistic dialogue anyone would have, nor does it help me identify their characters. I'd try and find a different way to deliver this exposition.

"

"She was the smartest in the group. Nelu was the second smartest and Yelgueewenano was the third. But even though, Yelgueewenano was the most experimental in the group." Telling and not showing. I skipped over most of the character descriptions in the beginning, and as such, I'm not able to differentiate the characters. This is a problem because it means the characters aren't unique in the story itself; they don't have personalities and are fairly bland and interchangeable with one another. I'm going to stop pointing these instances out, because there are too many and it would be incredibly time consuming. Read over your story and pick out the parts that tell but don't show.

"Oh come one." Oh come on.

"If a Braxtonian child do something wrong in the family, the parents would ignore them for as long as they want." In addition to be grammatically incorrect, this line is also shoving exposition onto the reader. Does a Braxtonian punishment really matter to the central part of the story? No, it does not.

"What? Wait...didn't you agreed with me?" Didn't you agree with me

You really need to identify who is speaking in these dialogues. Since every character talks the same and I can't tell them apart, I find myself incredibly lost here.

"Okay then! We'll tell our parents we'll be back within two hours. But first we should bring stuff like our gadgets for contact." Ok, so some kid is like: "Let's go see if gods exist!" and everyone agrees that this is a plausible idea? What? That doesn't make sense. Are you telling me that these scientists you mentioned can't prove that gods exist but these kids think they can? Why? There needs to be a reason here other than "moving the plot forward." "Bring stuff like our gadgets for contact." Elaborate. What gadgets?

I'm fairly far into this story and haven't encountered one element of horror. Horror stories need tension. I need to know if these characters are in danger and whether I should be concerned about them (I also need to be able to relate to them to experience their fear, and I can't relate to any of these characters). This story lacks a sense of danger, foreboding, and tension. Nothing creepy has happened and most readers on this site will click away. I'll wait and see if something creepy does happen.

"

“Anyway, my father knows about the story, too. But he thought the man was joking.”

“What else happened, Oirkamt?” Nelu asked.

“My father said he thought about who he was actually speaking to if the man wasn’t joking…”

“Gemdiah.” Yelgueewenano finished." These characters speak of these names like I should know them, but you haven't introduced them into the story and I don't know who or what they're talking about.

"“Is Zamt still after us?” Yelgueewenano said. He tried to catch his breathe." How do they know it's Zamt? No one, nor the story identified this "White figure" as Zamt, but the characters instantly know somehow. This introduction of the villain (That these characters were looking for apparently...? Why would they go looking for something that wants to hurt them...?)  is ruined by the fact that he just shows up with little introduction or foreshadowing to his appearance. There's no tension to his appearance and it isn't scary when he shows up.

"Nelu had put up a dark protection spell. The teenagers awed. It was beautiful. The darkness protected them. They realized that.

The spell made half a sphere. And it glowed in darkness. Some parts of it sparkled in red."

These kids are magic now? Okay...? I'm sure it said that in their bios, but there really needs to be explanation in the story itself. Speaking of which, the description of this magic is sorely lacking. In fact, this story lacks a lot of description, which it could use to be more fleshed out. This story moves too quickly from event to event with little time for the reader to be drawn into the story.

Why does Zaumt want this dude? There's no explanation or motivation behind his actions. He just shows up, says, "I want you" and then they fight. This guy is fighting a god, right? And he wins? Really? Zaumt just isn't a threat to the characters. You build him up a little bit, only for him to lose in a very anticlimactic and quick battle.

This just doesn't feel like a creepypasta. It reads like a fantasy story. There's no horror here, nothing creepy. You have lore and even your own "language", but this just isn't scary. This needs a lot of work if it's going to be accepted onto this site. Read some other creepypastas and try to get a sense of tension that they induce.