Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-9041013-20180312194813

Well, I hope y'all like comedy, or at least a shitty attempt at comedy. The following bit of lazy writing is a satire of all of the stories about a serial killer teen with mommy/daddy/bully-at-school issues.

I repeat, THIS IS NOT A TROLL PASTA AS I SET LONG AND HAAAARD ON WRITING THIS OK? THIS IS COMEDY!

Alright off we go.

 Shattered Dreams 

I am Tommy Clowniac, well that’s how I refer to myself, I mean who would take “Thomas Andrews" seriously? I work as a cleaner, not a house nor a street cleaner, neither this an actual job. It’s more of a hobby of sorts, to put it bluntly, I clean people, not literally, I umm, how do I put it? I get rid of certain people. I get rid of all of those people who pollute our beautiful world with their immeasurable stupidity. I clean those who do not deserve to live! I was inspired by my idol, nobody knows who she is, or so I thought, it took me years to figure who she is. Now I know all about her, she cleaned a bunch of morons a few years ago with real skill and grace – they were five in number. Her story was even on the news, and ever since I’ve heard of her I wanted to be just like her; Strong and capable. Eventually I found out she is a literal angel! Man, I even took up Kusarigama lessons online just so I could clean up people with a unique weapon!

I’ve decided to make use of a Kusarigama because nobody uses that, no one even knows what it is, here, in Scotland, most likely. I wanted to be special and unique, just like my idol, I could not stand being like those other lousy Cleaners that do the same thing over and over. My need to be unique was also the reason I’m wearing this clown like makeup whenever I go out to clean, it is also why I dyed half of my hair purple. Sure the fools at school may laugh at me, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh when the time comes for me to clean them too.

Before writing this I was on my way to meet her and I was super excited!

Well, I’ve made it to the Crematorium she’s working at and I’ve opened up the door really quietly, I was hoping to surprise her but she heard me and called out, “How can I help?” Her voice was so soft and delicate, so charming, but there was something off about it, I couldn’t help but stutter, I was so excited, mind you, “uhh uhh H… H… He… llo… Miss O’Reilly”

She turned her attention from the corpse she was bent over and turn herself towards me, God, she was so beautiful, the sight of this angel in front of me made my crotch harden and caused my skinny jeans to go tighter around the pelvic area.

“Hell, another one of those” sighed my idol as she noticed by all black body tight attire and clown-like makeup. Her green eyes were enchanting and the way her dark brown hair was collected in a high ponytail, this woman in front of me, she was perfection. Even the way her lab coat was draped on her frame… Jesus Christ, she gave me a full-blown erection the moment I managed to get a full glimpse of her unearthly beauty. Once I felt my skinny jeans tighten even more than before I quickly covered it with a hand, the awkwardness of this could’ve spoiled my plans for her.

“What do you want, kiddo?” continued my idol

Her question prompted me to answer with utmost ecstasy, “I’m a big fan of yours, Miss O’reilly, I find it amazing, I mean what you did! I kill retards just like you!”

“Let me guess, your parents weren’t always nice to you?” ask me this angel, in response.

“Oh my god, yes, how did you know? Mom used to beat me shitless since I was a little kid, kept saying I am a little shit that cannot sit still for a moment, what was I supposed to do with the fact that my head is always racing?! And my dad… my dad… that scumbag… he…” I began stuttering once more

“Well, what’s with him?”, she cut me off, usually people who cut me off, get a piece of their flash cut off by me, but with her, I didn’t care… she was just too bloody perfect to even consider hurting.

“He was an alcoholic who raped me a few times, and I was his son, imagine what would’ve happened if I was his daughter… terrifying ain’t it?”

“Lovely!” called out the masterpiece of a woman that made my blood rush all the way to my best mate, her tone made it sound like she’s being sarcastic, I mean, if I hadn’t known better, I’d believe she was mocking me. She continued, “Did the other kids bully you too, aye?”

“Wow! Miss O’reilly, you’re a genius… Yes! Yes! Yes! They did, they did! They laughed at me for my hair and bullied me over my old man being a fucking Alcoholic who sold our souls for his booze; they also bullied me for the way I limped after you know, what the old man did…” I told her gleefully.

Suddenly, this marvelous creature began laughing, her laughter it wasn’t evil or psychotic like the media would portray her if they knew who she was, it was pure, beautiful, filled with raw pleasure. The sound of her laughter made me lose my senses, I felt him throb in my skinny jeans and then I felt a sudden cold wetness in my crotch area, slowly spreading about. I came back crushing and burning back into reality, the realization of what just happened might’ve ruined everything for me, luckily, it seems like she didn’t notice what had happened. She just stopped laughing and abrupted my catastrophic train of thought by saying calmly, “Let me guess, you’ve killed them all” as she dramatically waves her hands in the air.

Her beautiful voice, it made my embarrassment go away and I joyfully screamed, “Yes! Yes! I killed them all!” I lowered my tone and said, “Well, except for mom, I still need that bitch. Here’s what I used by the way!” I said as I proudly pulled out the Japanese weapon from my belt, once it was out for my heroine to see, I called out joyously, “It’s all thanks to you! I wanted to be unique and special just like you, Miss O’reilly!”

“You are not though; you are not really special, a lot of kids like you who had some rough time come to me to say that stuff to me. You are not the first, and unfortunately, not the last little fool who will come here and proclaim how the best thing to do about their problems was to murder. You see, I’ve been bullied too, for the reason you seem to be so comically attracted to me, my mess of a personality. I’m not really normal true, but I wouldn’t call it a disease, it’s a bunch of conditions that will cause your little brain to explode if I had decided to explain them to you. I did not kill those fools for being a bunch of cunts, I did it because they kidnapped my dog and tried blackmailing me, and on top of that, they would probably end up worse than me, I mean, what kind of a sane person mutilates a dog’s corpse as a joke?! Trust me, kiddo, you don’t want to be like me…” once my goddess finished her little speech, I felt the tears beginning to creep down my cheeks. She made me feel just like my mom does, it feel like my mom was yelling at me how retarded I was all over again. I felt horrible.

“I don’t really have a conscience or emotions, well for the most part, pleasure is definitely there, but that’s a result of a unique brain composition. All of this is the reason I’m working with these fellows here.” She continued speaking as she grabbed the hand of the corpse she’s about to cremate and waved it at me.

It began raining outside at this point, I could hear the raindrops hitting the roof the crematorium, it’s like God knew I was crying and decided to send rain so I wouldn’t feel like a complete loser. The tears streamed faster down my tears and I stuttered once more, “I… I… I… I… I… S… S… S… S… S… Orry… Miss O’reilly, I just… Just… Just… Just… Just wanted to special and wanted to me those useless Cum-buckets get what they deserve…”

“But you’re not, you’re not special like that, there are shit ton of kids like you with wannabe spooky white faces, no eyelids and never healing Glasgow grins running all over with knives pretending to be the devil. If you want to be original, how about becoming a Goth fashion designer or maybe start a metal band consistent of dudes wearing Goth dresses. Something like that, no do me a favor, go home and stop doing stupid things, even though, the likes of you made my wallet swell recently”, said my heroine.

At this point I was already visibly crying like a little girl, devastated, my idol stared at me for a second as my makeup began to smear and she asked, “Tell me, boy, how old are you?”

“I’m 16, Miss O’reilly…” I cried.

She moved her head from side to side in obvious disagreement and said, “My mother is Miss O’reilly, I’m Ruby, how old do you think I am?! Never mind, just go home…”

I knew my plans for her were ruined, I didn’t impress her, I was just another retard who wasted her angelic time. I lowered my head in shame and left the building, quietly closing the door behind me. I guess I didn’t notice how wet the pavement had gotten that the moment I stepped out of the crematorium I slipped and fell flat on my face. I felt a shock run through my head, chin upwards; I turned over to my back and grasped at my face to soothe the pain of the blow. I felt warm liquid caress the palm of my hand, I looked at it and noticed my own blood.

Now, I’m lying here, drenched in rain, tears and my own jizz, I hope to bleed to death, I have no reason to live anymore now that my meeting with this beautiful devil left me with nothing but shattered dreams.

Fuck, now I’ve blood smeared all over my Iphone… I’m such a fucking retard. 