User blog comment:HumboldtLycanthrope/The 666 word pasta write off!/@comment-28164447-20160410012749/@comment-26475800-20160410030744

I like the idea you had with this story. It's great that there is very little gore and nothing is too over the top. I am assuming the monster is a zombie, but I could be wrong and that is some of the charm the story has.

However, there are some out points with this story. First, the sun not being visible at 7 in July. I've never seen the sun go down before seven in the summer, but we could live in two very different places. Also, you are by the water, which is good, but it seemed forced that the fog will conveniently roll in when it is needed to.

Furthermore, on the fog subject, you mention that they couldn't see ten feet from the store, but they couldn't make out someone who is standing at the glass of the door? The reflections were a good touch and believable, so well done with that. But that argument falls away when there is still a good deal of light outside. Regardless if the sun has set or not, the story says there is still light from the sun and it is, therefore, rather well light. Now the reason I bring this up is, the glass reflecting thing only works well enough for you not to see on the other side when the side you are not on is darker than the side you are one. And it has to be much, much darker to really have an almost mirror reflection.

Other problems I've had with this story are the people, their conversation didn't seem authentic. No one who is a drunkard will call themselves such. And if they had, one the other would most likely get pissed. The ending was missed the mark, because it felt like you were going to have him break though the glass, but he just slammed his body into it again. It would have been fine to have him break through the glass and leave it at that, because no one would really know if the workers make it or not.

Sorry, it was a noble effort, and it is a good idea. I understand the word count is hard and that makes it hard to get all the data you want in the story, so with that being said, most of the things in the paragraph above are fine and work well. Overall, it wasn't a bad story and could be made better by being longer, which is par for the course with most of the stories one this list.