Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27190570-20160114030506/@comment-25769703-20160114132631

Poorly written, consider upgrading your vocabulary fixing the grammatical errors. You should try and describe the atmosphere around him the beggining seems rushed and the beggining is what catches the eye of the reader. I don't want to know about what he did 'the normal stuff' I want to know why he's making those decisions perhaps it's an odd day where he doesn't do the normal stuff and then he thinks to himself why is he doing this. Think about the use of anomolies instantly setting a scenario where something is out of the ordinary. You fail to do this. A bug of some sort a message on a phone. No words.. (Not scary, or unnerving) it's just a very common thing. You should also set a time frame this can be helpful.

You have something which is good try making it as good as your final paragraph. That was probably the only enjoyable area of your story to read. Snappy quick passed and actually worked out. I maybe an extreme perfectionist when it comes to the beggining of pastas. Get to work bud. The ending was good. Not great but good. The rest was meh... below average in terms of story telling. You could of shortened the main points for example an accountant had woken up etc, went to his job, then the list of occurences happened. Or what I like is when someone expands their paragraphs creating longer more atmospheric pastas where the writer focuses on details for example the weather, cold, smell, touch, taste and such. Will be nice to see this progress after this critique.