Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28299494-20160511213225/@comment-24101790-20160511215055

There are a lot of issues here. Starting with the most pressing, we no longer accept Mario-based creepypastas. They have been blacklisted for a few years now. If you try to post it, it will either be blocked by the abuse filter or deleted by an admin for violating the blacklist. You can still post it to SOG Wiki or the Spinpasta Wiki, but I would strongly suggest correcting the numerous mechanical issues present or it will likely be removed.

Punctuation issues: Punctuation missing before dialogue (", he will say something “I said leave Mario, this is not where you belong.”", "He says yet another message ),)“This is your last chance if you don’t leave I will make you leave.", "Luigi responds “It’s too late now, you will die like the rest.", etc.) Punctuation missing from sentences ("The words “Leave now” and “You will be sorry” appeared often", "Mario is struggling now but to no avail", "the game crashes taking you back to the title screen", etc.)

Capitalization: there are a lot of capitalization errors here. Remember that proper nouns are places, titles, names, and products. "a few extremely beaten looking bloopers (Bloopers)" "The last level, world -2-2", "At the end Luigi will be standing next to a dead toad. (Toad)", etc.

Wording: "Also two phrases will appear very often in this level. The words “Leave now” and “You will be sorry” appeared often", " you need to wait for a Koopa to glitch it’s (its) death", etc. I suggest reading the story aloud to catch more instances of awkward wording or redundancies ("He will charge Mario, at this point you will not have control of your character, and Mario will jump over him.")

Story issues: The story feels pretty rushed and really doesn't explain why the programmers would create all this. Why would they spend so much time on cutscenes like this: "At the end Luigi will be standing next to a dead toad. He will charge Mario, at this point you will not have control of your character, and Mario will jump over him. Luigi then outsmarts him and grabs Mario." in a video game that has little to no cutscenes other than "Your Princess is in another castle" and the end. It just feels like you're tacking on spookiness to a game without really justifying it at all, giving it a very needless feel. For example, why are the Bloopers beaten up, why are there countless dismembered Toads, why is Luigi aggressive towards Mario? This really doesn't feel fleshed out.

I hope you take all of this into consideration if you decide to post it on another site. As it is below the quality standards for this site and also violates our blacklist, it can't be posted here.