Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26344151-20151123134114/@comment-26399604-20160113042855

It’s no biggie! There’s no rush when it comes to editing. I understand you have a life outside the site that can take precedence.

Seeing how this is the 3rd draft, I will start to dive more in depth to help with improvements. My points might come off a bit harsh. Please understand that I am in no way trying to be rude and wish to provide decent constructive criticism.

Nonetheless, on to the review!

The first thing I suggest is to break-up your paragraphs into smaller portions. Areas like the first paragraph or even when he’s in his room can easily be broken up into two pieces.

"But his father had assured him that it was just a drawing, and that it couldn’t do him any harm, and he believed that."

I think this part would work best if there was a little more build-up or back-story used later in the story. Either recurring nightmares, recurring events surrounding the image, or whatever would help justify the sentence. If not, then I suggest removing it since I think it’s too early in the story to bring it forward. It comes off out of place and a bit silly where it’s at right now.

"The lines he was putting on the page of his notebook, next to the calculations of some boring mathematical problem, were starting to take the shape of a dinosaur, which didn’t even have anything to do with the daydream he was currently experiencing. As a matter of fact, he found dinosaurs quite boring creatures."

There are several areas where you have sentences that are too wordy. This can easily be condensed. The principle of “less is more” should be applied in this case. See the example below:

EXAMPLE: In math class, his latest sketch was oddly beginning to take the form of a dinosaur. It wasn’t what he was expecting since it contradicted his current daydream. If anything, dinosaurs never interested him.

"When classes ended, Todd exited the school building. It was rather hot for this time of the year, but he refused to wear shorts, since he wasn’t too proud of his feminine looking legs. As a result, there were shiny droplets of sweat appearing here and there on his forehead. He looked at some birds fighting over a bunch of dry breadcrumbs. He wondered why they couldn’t just share them, since there was obviously more than just a single breadcrumb there, and the elderly individual sitting on the park bench behind them probably had more, judging by the paper bag he was holding in his left hand. Todd shrugged and continued to make his way home."

I understand you’re trying to paint a picture, but this entire paragraph adds nothing to the story. In other words, it does nothing to push the underlying plot, deeming it irrelevant. Now if there was an interaction with a character of importance or some form foreshadowing, then it could serve a purpose. As it stands, it seems more like a forced cushion to transition the character into another scene. Truthfully, the only sentence worth keeping is:

"When classes ended, Todd exited the school building."

This sentence will transition the character into the next important scene.

Next, I believe the story would benefit more with the use of transitional words. The scene in his room comes off a bit dry and choppy. Transitions help smoothen and liven up the shift to a next sentence. There’s another method that can help, but for now focus on transitions.

ORIGINAL: He started with a head. It was a bit less round than most human heads. More like, octagonal. He then drew a torso, rectangular in shape.

REVISED: At first he, drew a head. It was a bit less round than most human heads, more like octagonal. Afterwards, he drew a torso, rectangular in shape.

Overall, I think the things I listed above should be addressed first before carrying on.

The underlying issue to work on is wordy sentences.

I’ve had the issue and still have the issue reoccur. It was brought to my attention by another user and I took the time to adjust for it. It’s hard to recognize at first because the initial thought can be to add as much detail. However, I learned that it is best to write a basic sentence to convey your intentions and build from there. Reading the sentences out loud helps out a lot. I advise to do the same when you make the necessary alterations to your story.

The story still needs work, but again this is the process of writing. I hope this helps. Happy writing! :)