Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34085129-20180722201350/@comment-9041013-20180722232604

DrBobSmith wrote: Hi,

Welcome to the Writer's Workshop. People here will help. Some very good authors will come through here. Listen to their advice carefully. It's often right. When more than one says the same thing then listen double hard.

You need to fix those paragraphs. I suggest that you read this blog entry to start:

https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

That's not the only problem you have but it is the most critical. After you have broken your story into reasonably sized paragraphs, read this blog entry:

https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:DrBobSmith/Basic_Spell_and_Grammar_Checking

The tools very quickly and conveniently spotted run-on sentences and comma overuse. One sentence was quite awkward. They also found a lot of vague and abstract "filler words." These tools are your friends and are invaluable in editing.

Less serious than the English composition errors is your use of buzzwords. I know all about tor but most people don't even know what an IP address is.

That sounds like a lot of stuff tossed on you at once but cooking good creepypasta takes time. You will use these skills in college.

Seems like you are trying to promote yourself on your site for a certain position, promote Grammar checking sites as if they are your patrons or both.... just saying.

As for the story itself, It is yet another "Russian Sleep Experiment".

This is not good, and why? well because no one is going to believe a story which claims to be real but is obviously not, I mean, no one is going to be able to find these files anywhere in the dark or deep webs. The story is also about a social project by a certain facilitated body that tries to do something to people that is obviously bound to hurt or even kill them for a certain purpose. Things go out of control pretty quickly in both pieces to the point where they bend the laws of the universe to make a plot point. Both include a bunch of needless mostly impossible bodily gorn. And both end with a shocking death.

Not good.

The narrator seems to be like a very cowardly, squimish type of person, every little detail scares the shit out of him.

The pacing is kind of too waste and does not make sense.

I don't know what could you do with this, because for me it becomes extremely similar to the Russian Sleep Experiment.

Though here's a suggestion; how about a story in which the narrator gets told by his friends about something like your current story in vivid detail. Just more realistic look up the effects of sensory deprivation, the stanford prison experiment, human behavior under constant stress conditions and the like... I would advise you to go for a thing where a bunch of people are joining an experiment or a reality show or something where they are told that they will experience slowed time progression to explain why they are told they spend a week in their confindment while it is clear they spend much more time there. Also, go for more realistic results of lethal violence, like, what you'd hear happening in prisons or 19th century Psychwards. From there on have the narrator shrug it off as unreal towards the end only to find something that indicates subtly that the occurance might've been actually real (a brochure, advert, something...)

Idk, I'm tired...