Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180429035333/@comment-32764586-20180429121039

BloodySpghetti wrote: Bloody has seen this and he brought a large knife to butcher this little piglet. Mwahahahahahaha.

Alright, in all seriousness, I like how this is ambiguous in regards to the creature instead of telling us its a vampire or a siren. These are OVERRATED. I tend to view this monster as a Baohbhan Sith, the resident vampiric hypnotizing maiden spirit that prays on lone men of the Scottish highlands. If you were aiming at this one perticular beast, props to you. Insular Celtic folklore does not get enough of the spot light.

I don't know if it was a good idea to mention how her skin is gray (Im guessing, sickly palor gray) while exclaiming that she's a beautiful woman. Because, well, we don't like corpses intstinctually. So, anything reminding us of them (like gray skin) isn't gonna be viewed as attractive. Maybe should've not mentioned her skin color and instead just somehow describe her appearence as slightly off, or maybe just "extremely pale". This later ties into her cyclical transformation in the eyes of the narrator from beautiful yet sickly to perfect and then into deathly sickly. I would've gone with "gleaming skin" or something reminiscent of the sparkling vampire from Twilight. Not sparkling!(!!) Something similar, maybe shining or something. I do not know how to express this but this really bothers me. She looks sickly and yet somehow attractive (which is impossible). Rewording is needed.

Once you lose a part of your throat, you kind of lose your ability to speak, but for the sake of the plot make sure to mention how the narrators voice was fading over time after "chunks of flash were beaten out if throat".

I'm pretty sure you're supposed to say "her skin grew grayer with each..." because it's growing in gray color. Also, it's important you capitalize the word "god" once refering to a specific Havea Hikule'o (God of the world) of the western world, which is what you are kind of doing.

Thee might not but changeth the w'rd carrion to something else, this w'rd doest not fiteth the vocabulary style of thy st'ry!

You most definitely have to change the word "zombie" it does not sit well with the vocabulary style of your story. Consider words like "ghoul", "monstrosity", "revenant" or something like that. Zombie is a really modern word that comes from Haitian voodoo probably originally out of west africa. So yeah, this word is herrendously new (first mentioned just two hundred years ago in English.)

So yeee... das it... the Piglet has been bludgeoned.

Oh god, some of these are really bad mistakes, thanks for lettin me know and thanks for your help.