Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31919033-20170807060233/@comment-32461413-20170812232242

 A lonely, blue balloon floated through the sky.

 It floated high above the houses and trees s̶t̶a̶n̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶a̶t̶ ̶g̶a̶r̶d̶e̶n̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ gently pushed by the summer breeze. (It was noticed by) A few people that were s̶u̶n̶b̶a̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶s̶i̶d̶e̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶s̶i̶d̶e̶ (Just mention that they were outside), saw the balloon flying through the clear sky (awkward placement), but no one paid much attention to it.

 The balloon was probably released by a child and was now being driven to a distant, but random retreat somewhere in the world. (This paragraph could be attached to the previous).

 Nothing to worry about, they (who is "they?") thought.

 The balloon floated further, left the houses and neat gardens behind, to a small football field.

 A worn football was accidentally kicked over the rusty fence and the ball bounced on the deserted highway.

 ‘Yeah, Vincent, your fault!’ Tom Cord exclaimed, t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶V̶i̶n̶c̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶k̶ (fact doesn't enhance the story), from the other side of the field.

 ‘I’m already going,’ Vincent sighed and ran off the field to the football, which was already starting to bounce less (this last part is stiff). H̶e̶ ̶c̶r̶o̶s̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶o̶a̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶i̶n̶g̶,̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶V̶i̶n̶c̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶s̶ ̶s̶e̶l̶d̶o̶m̶ ̶d̶r̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶H̶i̶l̶l̶f̶a̶r̶.̶ (Fact doesn't enhance the story)

 The ball bounced a last few times before Vincent caught it out of the air. He turned and saw Tom jumping up and down behind the fence.

 ‘Throw, throw,’ he said.

 Vincent grinned, threw the ball up and gave it a firm kick. Like a cannon ball, the football was launched high in the air.

 Vincent ( He, no need to use the name Vincent as much when the character is established, also, there doesn't need to be a new paragraph here) followed it with his eyes. At that moment, he saw the floating blue balloon.

 The football landed back on the field and bounced up. Tom jumped, his eyes fixed on the ball, but when he caught it, his eyes too slid towards the balloon.

 Vincent and Tom made eye contact.

 ‘Did you see it before?’ Tom yelled, pointing at the balloon.

 ‘Nope!’ Vincent called back.

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘We need to find a way to catch it, Vin,’ Tom said when they stood togheter (together) at the fence.

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘Why so?’ (How so?)

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘My brother says if you catch a floating balloon, you’ll get (be) lucky for one year.’

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘I don’t know, Tom.’ (add some description, such as "he replied hesitantly).

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘Ah, come on, Vin. Help me, at least. You know I want to get into the school’s football team this year and I need all the luck I can get.’

<p class="MsoNormal"> Vincent dropped his eyes to the ground and didn’t answer. Tom tugged at his sleeve.

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘Come on, Vin, this is a chance I’ll only get once in my entire life.’

<p class="MsoNormal"> Vincent looked at the sky. The balloon seemed to be floating slower and lower (cut out this beefy sentence with the word "descend).

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘Look, he (it, there hasn't been an established gender for the balloon until now which is awkward as it flip flops between it and he) goes towards the Watchtower. Let’s catch it there.’

<p class="MsoNormal"> Tom was jumping with enthusiasm.

<p class="MsoNormal"> Vincent sighed, but then put back a smile. ‘Okay, but only if I get a share of luck.’

<p class="MsoNormal"> ‘Of course,’ Tom replied and the two friends ran after the balloon.

<p class="MsoNormal">--

<p class="MsoNormal">Issues like I had annotated persist throughout the story, but do become better. Some sentences are too long and need to chopped down. Make every word count. While description is important, there are some areas where it isn't needed as such. For instance, it doesn't matter if the people are sunbathing or looking out the window. I would suggest reading the story aloud to catch some awkward wording and some beefy setences.

<p class="MsoNormal">You also do not need to have so many paragraphs. It becomes excessive and makes the story look longer than it actually is. You really only need to change the paragraphs when something changes like a speaker or event.

<p class="MsoNormal">I noticed you used the ' symbol where a " would be used. But I also noticed you used the spelling of color "colour" which suggests you're from a different country than myself. Maybe I'm not super familiar with grammar in other countries, but normally dialouge is used with quotes (") rather than an apostrophe ('). Apostrophes being used when there is a quote within a quote. Now, this wiki does allow other forms of the english language, so if it is normal to use the ' symbol instead of " where you are, don't make any changes.

<p class="MsoNormal">The fact that the balloon is blue has been established early on, so the frequent mentioning of it is redundant. Additionally, it is a bit of a tounge twister.

<p class="MsoNormal">The use of vomiting is cliche. I would suggest not having that action in there.

<p class="MsoNormal">Parantheses should not be used in the story. Commas are more eloquent.

<p class="MsoNormal">Otherwise, I must say I really found the story charming (until the end where it goes dark quickly). What seemed like a sweet and innocent story really took a demented twist. I was engaged the whole time which is great. I found the characters to be likable and realistic. I really enjoyed the idea of the story as well. Great job and great story. I would just work on the grammar and mechanical aspects more. Otherwise, the story itself is well written.