Talk:I Was a Ghost from 53 Years/@comment-5733573-20180625002855

I have mixed feelings about this. The parts that are good are really good, and the parts that are bad are painful.

First of all, you have a major plot hole: what happened to Ryan? You never explain why he just kind of disappeared. For that matter, there are a lot of important points here that you just gloss over giving them a sentence, if that. It feels like you got tired and didn't want to write out those parts fully, and the story suffers a lot for it.

The execution in general needs work, as some of it is really sloppy. There are several places where you've used a word incorrectly (for example, "sanctum"). Proofread this very carefully and, if you're not sure how a word is supposed to be used, look it up. I think the title suffers from this as well.

The plot itself is great, but you need to give it more time and care. If you rush it, it will come across as goofy, which a lot of it does at the moment. And even the best plots can be ruined by melodrama, so if you give this a second draft, I would suggest scrapping the soap opera-style dialogue.

There's a lot to like here, but there's also a lot that currently keeps it from being great, so I hope you'll work on this a bit more.