Talk:Kagome Kagome/@comment-31853327-20170427215318

Just some constructive criticism on this pasta:

- The more overtly you try to insist the story is true, the less believeable it is. "This is true guys, no seriously!" The hard part here is that it essentially is trying to blend a history creepypasta with a ritual pasta so there is a dramatic shift in tone between the two halves, with the first half being written like a history book and the second like a friend telling a ghost story. Try to find a better way to blend the two, or focus more on one half or the other. The first half could honestly be a little shorter. -For Gods sake remove the Rake reference at the end. This is about as abrupt and sudden as saying jeff the killer or slenderman showed up. It comes right out of nowhere and is ridiculously jarring, and gives this a fan fic quality. - The second half is probably the weaker half of the two, with odd sentence structure and it just feels like the writer is trying to throw in as many horror tropes as possible with demon children following you, monsters showing up, facing your worst fear, playing a deadly version of a childrens game etc. The way some of it is written is just kind of funny as well "greet the creature before he tears you into oblivion" etc. Also, the description of the game itself is incorrect. Kagome Kagome is played with one person sitting blind folded in the middle while the group circles around them singing the song. When the song ends, the group stops moving and the blindfolded person has to guess who is behind them. Frankly, this is a lot creepier than trying not flinch because children are making funny faces at you. Less is more here, keep it simple. - Most of the horror here seems to come from the gore, which isn't so much scary as it is a little superfluous and tasteless. Gore is just not that scary.