Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28420405-20160715142937/@comment-29015383-20160715180900

Going through this step by step and pointing out anything that I feel is a little off/could be improved. Sooooo, probably in random order in terms of grammar, story, clarifications etc. Not everything I point out will be wrong/require fixing btw! Some of it are simple remarks!

“He would be going to King’s Peak with his friends today. It was the biggest amusement park in the state.” -- > I think these could be combined in one sentence to improve flow like; ‘He would be going to the biggest amusement park in the state, King’s Peak, with his friends today.’

“He and his friends had planned this outing for weeks. The last few weeks of school had been used exclusively for planning their trip.” -- > That’s a lotta weeks. Maybe change the later to month? Four weeks are roughly equal to a month afterall.

“The website for King’s Peak offered an exclusive overnight stay for larger groups.” -- > how big is their group? Amusement park offers for larger groups tend to start at groups that are like 15+ in number. At least in my experience. This is of course not wrong, just something that popped out to me

“That morning, Kevin packed his overnight bag. He put his bag with a change of clothes and toothbrush in the backseat of his car.” -- > word repeat (bag)

“He couldn’t help but feel a little sad – he knew this would be their last trip together before college. He wanted to soak in as much fun as he could before turning the page on this chapter of his life. He cranked up the radio and headed out to pick up his friends.” -- > This part feels a little awkward to me because each sentence starts with ‘he’.

“Everyone was excited for make the most of the day.” -- > I think you mean ‘Everyone was exited to make the most of the day’

“Laughter, crying, and happy screams blared from every corner of the park. Kevin and his friends had to stop to collect themselves just inside the park.” -- > I think one of these park’s can be left off. The reader should understand you’re talking about it! Maybe mix that last sentence with the next; ‘The immediate sensory overload made Kevin and his friend take a moment to collect themselves as they stepped inside.’

“The sudden shift in park population seemed to also change the park itself. No longer did the happy voices of families and friends ring out around the park.” -- > park park park park park! Perhaps ‘guests’ instead of park population? ‘Customers’? And I’d try and change the part about the voices around a little too to avoid using park there. You could emphasize the silence that now falls over the grounds? Would make it feel more sinister (to me) if that’s what you’re looking for.

“Unenthusiastic employees stood in the game booths, but were less than inviting” -- > I think the unenthusiastic could be left off here, since the less than inviting part already shows clearly that…well, they’re not happy to be there!

“Finally, the decided to ride the park’s largest roller coaster.” -- > they instead of the.

“They giggled and excitedly talked back and forth and the coaster continued to creep down the tracks.” -- > I’d suggest replacing ‘and’ between ‘forth’ and ‘the’ with something along the lines of ‘as’. I think it’d make the sentence flow a little better since they’re chatting while the carts are moving simultaneously.

“Kevin tried to calm his friend down, but the friend quickly fell unconscious.” -- > since the focus is on the friend that Kevin tries to calm down, I think you can replace ‘the friend’ with ‘he’.

“Kevin tried again to glance behind him, but his movement shifted the cars on the track, and the whole group screamed” -- > admittedly I don’t know anything about how the safety mechanism works in this case, but it feels a little odd to me that the cars would all shift because he moved?

“The screaming behind him grew in volume. Some voices were hoarse from calling for help.” -- > I notice you used the word ‘screaming’ a lot in this paragraph (which is completely understandable because fuck that shit is terrifying). Maybe change them to similar words to not sound so similar?

“It had felt like enough time had passed where he could try and move again.” -- > This sentence feels a little awkward to me but I unfortunately cannot put my finger on it. Sorry!

“While tugging, he called out to his friends behind him, but no one responded. A few unfamiliar screams rang out behind him, but he could not gauge his friends’ wellness.” -- > Screams are a response, I guess. Also, I thought that they had died down? In a situation like that, with screams dying down I imagine that it’s mostly whimpers and crying that remains and no longer screams. Maybe I’m misinterpreting.

“Kevin called out to them hopelessly.” -- > He has no hope of being rescued? Or did you perhaps mean ‘helplessly’?

“It was just when Kevin believed he could no longer make it, the car lurched forward.” -- > There’s a word missing after the comma.

“Some of the riders were still unconscious, but some had succumbed to the long hours of being upside down.” -- > I suggest using ‘but others’ instead of ‘but some’.

Overall I liked the story. It kept me guessing as to what was going to happen. Killers? Ghosts? Eldritch creatures on the loose? Nope, just a malfunctioning roller coaster in the middle of the night. Refreshing! Just thinking about being in that situation gives me the shivers.

I do think that you could linger a little longer on the silence that must’ve enveloped the cars near the end, and maybe describe what Kevin’s feeling as he’s hanging upside down. His heartbeat drumming in his ears, the pressure on his head and eyes, possible fits of dizziness that make him put his head between his legs. He may not even fully realize the silence until he gets out and he hears something again. Just an idea :)