Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25730391-20141120032620/@comment-25701413-20141120060137

Gripping. That's the word that sums this up. You've captured the use of the second person perfectly here (The successful involvement of the reader reminded me of 'bright lights, big city', one of the finest works in the second person ever written, though I may have been sucked in a bit more due to being an older brother that, in the past, took care of my younger brother) and it really pulled me in. I see no reason at all to convert to first person; it works very well as it is.

The only problem I have with the pasta is the ending, and one line in particular. The insertion of the paranormal, with the temperature drop, seems out of place in what was a rather realistic setting, which makes it far less creepy (at least in my opinion). The idea of an intruder mistaken for a loved one is creepy, for sure, but the implication that it's a random ghost? The key element of identification with the reader is cracked.

The rest of the pasta sucks the reader in incredibly effectively, though, so if you prefer the ending as is it still works very well.