Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20150422165839/@comment-25226524-20150425232405

This reads like an alternate version of "The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether" I like the concept, a lot. I think this might work if you could figure out a way to make it more believable. The suspension of disbelief is killed by having the warden be so oblivious. You also need to break up the dialogue. Any time the speaker changes, you need to start a new paragraph, even if it's just one line.

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That never happens his mind reassured him. - I would italicize that, since it's technically an inner thought: That never happens, his mind reassured him.

I actually think it's got the potential to be a decent story, but I would work on making your foreshadowing more subtle so the reader doesn't end up shaking their head in disbelief.

After you get some more feedback I would suggest honing this a bit and reposting it, because I think it has the makings of a decent story. As it stands it's just way too predictable. Good luck.