Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170205195307/@comment-24101790-20170206194819

Wording issues: "All throughout my life I have been prone to accidents. Accidents seemed to gravitate towards me (like) jews towards gold" Think you're missing a like in there. "I started breathing in epeleptic (epileptic) bursts and struggled against the restraints." Additionally epileptic doesn't really work contextually there, I would change it to something like spastic as epilepsy more focuses on seizures so it feels redundant to say seizing bursts.

Redundancies: "The masks reminded of Hawaiian masks you'd see in a Scooby-Doo cartoon", "Luckily, he tripped over a rock and luckily his face hit a peculiarly jagged stone which cracked his skull open and his brains spilled onto the ground." I would suggest reading this over and avoiding word repetition in short succession (" I darted the fuck out. I found my way to the corridor I came in. My clothes neatly laid out on an end table, I darted for my trousers".)

Punctuation issues: "I sat there, dumbfounded, until the psychologist said(comma/colon missing) “I can help you, Al, you’re not alone.”, "So remember, don’t trust your psychologist or you might end up abducted by a cult of sex-crazed, nudist nut-jobs(period missing)", etc. You also sometimes put punctuation outside of dialogue. "‘’Hell, I’ll prove myself wrong’’,"

Punctuation cont.: You forget to use commas in dialogue that continues the sentence and accidentally use periods instead: "“Come, we’re here.” Julie said.", “They haven't found anything because there is nothing to find." I said.", “You’ll come back tomorrow, right? Or better yet, come to our meeting.” Julie said.", "“No, no I won't. This is the last that we'll be seeing of each other.” I said as I stomped out.", etc.

Spelling: "There was a smell (sic) decay in the air. It made me choke. We went in through the door; an ass-naked beefcake stood on the other side, wearing the best poker face you ever saw, I mean, the fucker was a maniquine. (sic) “Sorry, I did not mention this but you have to take off your close (sic) before you (sic) enter.”", "I realsed three bullets.", etc. This needs quite a lot more proof-reading.

Capitalization: "Accidents seemed to gravitate towards me jews (Jews) towards gold", "I think God’s luck will eventually even out what harm satan’s (Satan's) luck did."

Story issues: "Here's some things that happened to me: you're seven and walking home." Starting with the basics, you may want to say something about the audience putting themselves in their shoes as saying this 'Here's some things that happened to me' and then jumping to second person perspective doesn't really work.

"I became crazier than a femenist (misspelled) reading a headline about rape" A lot of the transitions here feel randomized and tagged on. It has a bit of a randomized Family Guy effect ("We pulled up to a weathered shack beside the road. The shack was older than Hitler’s missing testicle" and "Accidents seemed to gravitate towards me jews towards gold. I think so anyway. I always thought it stupid that greed is dictated by race, but I have always been taught that great leaders and authority figures were wise." needs a bit more explanation here. What authority is setting forth this example and why are they mentioning it here?)

Some of the action events could use a bit more explanation/fleshing out. "More people surrounded me, some were wielding knifes, some pitchforks. These fuckers slashed at me (sic) until my chest was a red waterfall." feels awkwardly worded. "By a stroke of luck he missed and chopped his dick off." As someone who has machete'd his leg while cutting branches, I know this is possible to cut yourself, but mechanistically this feels really out-of-place. Either the guy is hip-thrusting while slashing or they have incredibly bad aim. Either way, setting up the positioning more would really make this feel less improbable.

A lot more of the protagonist's ability need fleshing out. As this line comes out of the blue at the end with no real reference in the story. "I think God’s luck will eventually even out what harm satan’s luck did". In fact, why did the cult even try to kidnap him in the first place. Give some reasoning here to flesh out the story some.

You might also want to put more focus on the improbable bad luck: "The paint stings, you panic and bump into the ladder. The ladder falls and the painter goes with it. And his fat ass hits you right between the eyes." and the good luck: "He swung at me with amazing dexterity. By a stroke of luck he missed and chopped his dick off." as I originally only assumed he had bad luck.

Comedy: I feel like this could use a bit more set-up to the scenarios. It feels like you're try to go with a Tucker and Dale vs. Evil thing where people's clumsiness and gung-ho actions end up being their downfall, but without the proper establishment of scenes it feels more randomized and less effective.