Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24714617-20140512023110/@comment-24077689-20140516190152

First, I’d like to praise you on correctly using dashes. It’s so uncommon for me to see something written well like this that it makes me want to tear up a little.

It’s a bit unclear from the very start whether the demon is literal or metaphorical. Either way you choose to go, make it concrete. Right now, it’s unclear and while I very much enjoy the writing of this story, I feel like it could be so much more.

While it is a lovely mental image, bound to rocks beneath the sea, I feel like you could do better than that. So I’m going to clarify this: is this in reference to something specific? Or is this just a lovely turn of phrase? I feel like that would be an excellent time to allude to something more.

Again, you could take this material much further. You mention how the demon leaves him because he “Draws the line at murdering his family”, you could make mention of how the demon was controlling him. Where did this demon come from? Why was this demon doing this?

You don’t make mention of the demon being real, like a physical entity like The Yattering until the very end of the story. And while, this new ending is a massive improvement, I think you kind of do yourself a disservice by not matching it up. Who exactly is narrating this? It’s unclear whether the imp is literal or a clever metaphor for a mental disorder until the very end.

Great job on this story, some tweaking and I think it’ll be ready for main.