Talk:Unwanted Gifts/@comment-25052433-20140816183638

Just like finding a dead mouse on your pillow, or a dead man in your hotel room, it's time for a really scary visitor to come by and drop off a morbid gift. Is it a dead animal...no, worse....it's a review!

What went right:

-Really, just about everything. I have always said that I like journal styled pastas, and this one delivered to my likings.

-Your build up of suspense was masterful. You didn't drag it out, but you still managed to be descriptive and create an element of suspense that delivered all the way to the end.

-The Gore Balance. Excellent job on realizing that gore and violence don't necessarily equal scary. This story had an impressive body count, but you did it without all the unnecessary 'gross-out' blood and guts that so many writers think is a great plot device. Well done.

-The end was awesome. You set me up to think that this little girl was just a demented brat, but then, she demonstrates abilities to travel great distances and enter hotel room with dead bodies, leave me thinking..."wow, maybe she has demonic powers." Very well done.

What could have been left off of my pillow in the morning:

-You can certainly write beautifully, your use of nouns and adjectives and so on are impressive. However, I am not quite sure that they fit in a Creepypasta. In some parts, the story just seems wordy, like, you as the writer are just trying to cram as many descriptive terms and 'play on words' as you can. It sort of drags out the story in a few places. Honestly, short and sweet work well in most cases. Switching up terms throughout the overall story is fine, but using that much wordage to describe throwing a dead mouse in the trash seemed like overkill.

-The vomiting. Oh lord, the vomit. Seems like this is everyone's favorite plot device these days. "I heard a knock on my door, and I vomited." "A car drove past my house last night, so I vomited." "My new boss had a clammy handshake, so I vomited." To me, having the character vomit in non-vomit situations is just a quick plot device that falls flat. Had you described the dead baby in a gory fashion, then yes, I could see the man throwing up. However, you pretty much left the baby in tact. The man didn't even examine the child to make sure it was dead, unless that was meant to be notional and just left out. I guess my point is that most people's normal reaction wouldn't be to vomit, not unless there was a strong stench associated.

To cap this off, I would love to see more of this story. Part of me feels bad for your protagonist. He seemed like a nice guy that just wound up with some really, really horrible neighbors. When I finished reading this, I honestly wanted more of it. Great job on that end. This was a great story, and is damned near perfectly written in my opinion. A great addition if I may say so.

9/10.