Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25288358-20150119180656/@comment-24281984-20150119185314

I think you mean "Too Attached" as your title.

A "Have you ever..." opening is fairly cliched and not a very good way to get your readers interested. What if they haven't ever been highly attached to an object in their lives? Are they supposed to just ignore the story and move on?

Most of these ellipses aren't necessary. They should either be replaced with commas or begin new sentences. Overusing them makes the story hard to read- they don't automatically build suspense, especially when the story is narrated in first person and the narrator themself keeps pausing mid-sentence for no good reason.

Your paragraphs are broken up way too much. You only start a new paragraph when the subject changes or someone else speaks, not for dramatic effect. Again, like the ellipses, it only makes the story harder and more boring to read.

"Smirkish" is not a word. Also, is this really the best you can do to describe a smile or a voice? Why not say what it looks/sounds like in some way that actually invokes imagery? Arguably the most important rule of writing is to SHOW details rather than just TELL them. Telling may be easier to write but it leaves much less of an impact on the reader in most cases.

"Monsters" does not need to be capitalized unless it's at the start of a sentence.

This story feels so rushed and leaves out so much detail that I honestly don't understand what's even going on. I don't know who the MC is or where they are or what the "monsters" are or how the title is related to the story. We went from talking about personal items to monsters with little explanation and no feeling of transtion. You really need to slow this down and take the time to explain what's going on if you want anyone to feel something other than confusion while they read this.

As a last word of advice, I highly reccomend you read this: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:ImGonnaBeThatGuy/Passive_Storytelling:_Your_Worst_Enemy It will give a better explanation of the main problem with your story as well as some ways to improve it.