Talk:Wasted/@comment-24077689-20140405080113

I fixed up some grammar and spelling. Don't use an ellipsis where a comma or period would work just as well.

I actually really liked this, which is a nice change of pace because I've been marking things for deletion for the past 15 minutes. The only complaint I have, I loved the reference to Carrie, I loved the reference to The Fly, but the reference to A Clockwork Orange bothered me. So he's literally falling apart, I'm not so sure how believable it is that he'd be fucking dying and decide to make an inane reference to A Clockwork Orange. I dig the reference, but I feel like it's a bit out of place.

The description of his nails actually made my stomach turn. What I love most about this, and I think this is the biggest success you have here, is that you actually write it as a journal. As in, he's writing it, it's private, and it's not assuming others will read it. The biggest downfall of journal pastas is that they typically will be written as if the author is expecting someone to read it, like introducing characters like "dear diary I had lunch with my brother, jimmy, he's my younger brother and I love him".

I also like the way you label each of the entries, as if he's the one mislabelling them.

What I don't get though, is it safe to assume he's drinking tap water? Wouldn't high levels of radium in the water cause a bit of alarm? I mean, even if he had an artesian well or spring that'd still be a bit scary for the public.