Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26924905-20141210000607/@comment-25665684-20141210030053

First things first: Welcome to the board.

Second things second: Dude, I can tell right off the bat that this story needs to be split into different paragraphs. This wall of text is hard to look at, and anyhow too much goes on in the story to be just one paragraph. This story takes place over two days; having one paragraph for a two-day story just won't fly. Furthermore, Bailey sees Jakob get slaughtered, goes home, sees some freaky stuff on the computer, goes downstairs, eats breakfasts, and pukes. That's waaay too much action for just one paragraph. You should also start a brand new line whenever a new character talks.

Didn't see too many spelling or punctuation errors, just a few things. "'He then got into the driver's'' seat." You missed a word here: " Bailey covered her mouth from  her view in the bush."  " As she walked to the supermarket, afraid to be alone." '''That's a sentence fragment. It makes no sense. You could say "As she walked to the supermarket, afraid to be alone, she quivered with fear." Or something like that.

I think Bailey's reaction to everything that goes on is really silly. She seems too calm throughout the whole ordeal. The only times besides the ending when you can tell she's disturbed is that one night she can't sleep and when she barfs. She's a fourth grader, which makes her what? Nine or ten? A freaky figure straight up chokes somebody you know and drags him away, and her first thought is that she shouldn't be seeing this because she's a fourth grader. Not because it's a crime to choke people or anything, or because her friend Jakob could die, but because she's a fourth grader. Then she goes home and doesn't tell anyone that her classmate was kidnapped, for some reason.

Why is she walking to the supermarket by herself? If she's afraid to be alone, why did she leave her house, where her parents probably are And why would no one else see the abductor nab her? Was it nighttime at this point? Did she scream? And why was Jakob meeting with the figure? I know you're trying to create mystery and suspense by not explaining everything, but these questions need to be answered in some way.

I must confess that I did not find this story creepy or disturbing, at all. In fact, you don;t give the reader too much of an idea of what's going on, and everything happens too fast. The gore wasn't scary, it just sort of happened. No build-up to it or anything, it just happens. The faint of heart could probably take it.

Hope I don't come off as a jerk here. Just giving my two cents. Some other guys should  come along to help you edit; they'll probably do a better job than me. Good luck!

--Insaniac