Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27932605-20170506162214/@comment-24101790-20170507034831

First and foremost, your story is a massive paragraph and needs to be broken up. A typically paragraph is five-ten sentences long, has line breaks when there are multiple speakers, and generally each paragraph addresses a topic or idea in the story. As of now, this story isn't up to quality standards for the reasons I'm listing and it needs quite a lot of revision.

You tend to leave punctuation outside of dialogue. ""Hello, why are you still awake at this time? Don't you have school tomorrow?","

There are some typos and quite a lot of awkward wording here. "Then the punting (pungent) smell of rotten flesh filled the surroundings.", "I saw an old hairy man, from his 40s, only wearing a shirt.",

Awkward wording: There is a lot of awkward wording here that weaken the story."I knew that the happening was definitely not normal.", " I was urging to get out from her grip.", "She then whispered to my ears in a rough, strangled voice", " It was terrifying to walk alone that night after what happened and to imagine sleeping with nobody but the memory of being strangled by a corpse was frightening.", "I was heading towards any near house around the neighborhood, to knock and ask for help.", etc.

Tense shifting: You tend to shift from past tense ("I dragged my limp body out of the road, scared to get hit.") to present ("He raped her, and now he is going to bury her.") and back to past tense ("Both her knees were very wounded and bent. He placed her body on the plot and I simply cried in disgust of what the man had done to the child.").

Story issues: You need to work a bit on your descriptions. Lines like: "The odor was hideous, and the child's face deformed." and "It was terrifying to walk alone that night after what happened and to imagine sleeping with nobody but the memory of being strangled by a corpse was frightening." really don't do a good job of conveying your intent. I would suggest being a bit more descriptive and keying the audience in a bit more to the protagonist's feelings.

There are also a number of plot issues here. I'm left wondering why the protagonist hasn't told anyone. "That's why I am writing it today so I can somehow remove this weight that I am carrying." The family has to be wondering why the protagonist returned to their house without any reason. It also doesn't make sense that they'd see the killer ("I saw the man, as my teacher and he grinned at me with a stare.") and not really tell anyone. Remember, they're writing this after their encounter. I'm left wondering why they wouldn't try to get help or at least tell someone. I mean the ghost girl targeted them specifically and they still aren't really trying anything to help her or herself out.

I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here (a number I've likely missed by being unable to read the paragraph adequately due to it being a wall of text) and the story is not currently up to quality standards. I would strongly suggest breaking this up, fixing the errors, working on the story issues, and giving the story a more effective ending as it feels a bit lackluster at the moment.