Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25095856-20150108084245/@comment-25148755-20150108173557

I'll forego reiterating the grammatical issues Empy already covered.

I would tighten up some of the administrative info. No police report would just give "Deputy Cruz" as the name...there'd be a first name and probably a badge number.

This case involves missing children, the death/disappearance of a priest, and the death/disappearance of a cop. There's is no way a deputy is going to be assigned to write the report on this, probably a detective. Likewise there is no way this case will be closed due to "lack of evidence," especially since the incident occurred on the day the report was written. Additionally, you have video footage of some kind of ritual and an unknown entity on it. What part of that constitutes a lack of evidence?

Garcia's actions make no sense. Run away? Sure. Drive all the way back to the precinct? No. If he has enough of his mind left to make the decision to drive back the department then he'd call for backup on the radio. If he's so scared that he's out of his mind with fear and just mindlessly drives off that's fine too. But just driving back doesn't meet the reality test.

Overall concept is fine. I agree with Empy that it would better serve as an introduction to a longer story. But it needs some work.