Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31665168-20170404031553/@comment-28266772-20170411151327

Corrections:

Eventually my father helped calm us both down, and a few more days passed. I'd check on the tooth every now and then and each time I did a little more gum was growing onto it. After a few weeks new teeth sprouted from the excess gum and that's when I thought I had figured it all out. My parents were clearly unwilling to explain it to me, so I came to the conclusion [it’s good to be brief; ‘concluded’ works well and saves time] that I had to look after it until it was ready for the tooth fairy to pick up. /

The procession marched on and on, the street seeming [seemed] to extend beyond its normal length. The houses started to repeat themselves. The only difference would be a small light, like the kind from a candle, coming from a window or the front door. When I would look down I would notice the gravel on the street getting more and more fine [finer and finer], almost like a gray beach. The grass of the yards started to become flat as if they were cardboard cutouts.

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Mechanical issues: you swap tenses every now and again. In particular you drop into the conditional (would/could/should) tense and it becomes disjointed. For example,

The houses started to repeat themselves [past tense]. The only difference would be a small light [conditional tense], like the kind from a candle, coming from a window or the front door. When I would look down I would notice the gravel on the street getting more and more fine, almost like a gray beach [conditional tense]. The grass of the yards started to become flat as if they were cardboard cutouts. [past tense]

OR

I kept prodding at her [past], but she would [conditional] just whisper under her breath to be a good boy and eat my breakfast.

So past-conditional-conditional-past for the first paragraph, and past-conditional all in one sentence. Not great, but it’s not a catastrophic error either. Just go through and make sure you stick to the past tense unless it’s very necessary to use another. A good rule is, if it can be written in past tense and still makes sense then just stick to past tense.

Other than that though I noticed very few mechanical errors and you generally write to a high grammatical standard.

Style issues: This is the let-down, mainly. I mean you stick to the basics and I respect that discipline but it’s too dry. Let’s look at how MikeMacDee describes a simple 50 word passage from his story Carbon River.

''Shawna looks at Gretchen for a long time, then sulks through the kitchen to the back rooms and disappears. Gretchen sits with her legs criss-crossed, draws a cigarette and daintily lights it, then takes a long drag. The others try to find something to look at during the awkward silence.''

This isn’t an overly descriptive passage. It’s pretty plain by some standards but even Mike, who has a very pragmatic style, puts work into painting an image. Words like sulk, daintily and awkward work to convey a sense of mood and atmosphere. Something that is utterly absent in your work. Let’s draw a quick comparison to one of the more descriptive passages in your story.

''I vividly remember the red material coming off like putty, making a small hole just large enough for the growth to fit through. The creature that had made the hole forced itself inside, letting out a kind of demonic chirping noise and viciously flailing the back-half of its body around.''

Most of what you write seems pretty simple in its aim. You’re trying to show us what’s happening and not a lot else. Words like vividly serve no real purpose other than as a quirk of the narrator’s memory. The demonic chirping is somewhat interesting but there’s no quality to it. You just state it, plainly. Demonic chirping. And then you move on. And the same can be said of viciously flailing. There’s some effort to unsettle us but it’s doesn’t really tell us much about what to feel. The words simply tell us, in very plain terms, the scene that’s playing out. But there’s nothing emotive. There’s no mood underlying the piece, nor is there any atmosphere that comes from your word choice.

In contrast look at the cohesion of Mike’s word choice. Sulks, daintily, awkward. Three words that, on their own, give you a sense of the scene’s mood. It’s fragile. There’s been an argument and things are tense and a cigarette acts as a focal point for that tension.

Where’s your mood? Where’s your atmosphere?

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues: this is another issue. I’ve got a blog lying around on ambiguity somewhere but I can sum my feelings up neatly as “ambiguity is when there’s more than one way to make sense of a story. Not when a story doesn’t make any sense.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately this story falls in the latter. Which is a real shame because the hook ''works. ''Kid’s tooth starts growing gum and flesh? Fucking count me in! That’s a great hook. It’s body horror, it’s gross and it’s really imaginative and clever. But that’s it. There’s no pay off. We don’t find out anything. There’s no single valid way to interpret this story. There’s some conspiracy stuff, dodgy parents, but… what else? Some time-space warping maybe? Some weird memory stuff? Who knows!

<p class="MsoNormal">In conclusion.

<p class="MsoNormal">You write to a high grammatical standard but you need to dig in and start having some fun with word choice. Study how good writers achieve a mood and atmosphere (MikeMacDee is a good writer to look at and his stuff is all over this wikia) and steal mercilessly from them. Don’t plagiarise! I’m not endorsing that. But I am telling you to study and borrow from other writer’s techniques. If there’s a word you like, take it. If there’s a way to describe something you find striking, take it. Examine how writers use structure, style and format to give a story a feeling.

<p class="MsoNormal">Then consider story. Consider closure. And try to wrap things up. Don’t rely on ambiguity because it’s a shockingly difficult technique to achieve and is not as simple as “leave half the answers out”.

<p class="MsoNormal">Also – as an admin I think this story meets QS. Feel free to upload as it is, or go back and write more drafts. It’s up to you. If you do write more drafts and would like my thoughts drop me a message on my talk page. This wikia is a great place to learn to write and I encourage you to come back with any future stories/drafts! I look forward to seeing more from you. Like I said, you write to a high standard and there’s a shit load of potential.