Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20150816203050/@comment-29791712-20150823205547

Vngel W wrote: First, I would like to note some errors I found, which are fairly small ones. Any noted errors will be placed in the corrected format within "[]" to easily find their location within a sentence. CTRL+F on a partial amount of the sentences below to locate the original location within your story.

+So many mechanical roles went haywire, which caused a chain-reaction of [events] to unfold themselves in a disastrous night.

+There are also a plethora of other [functions] this extra energy gets migrated to...

+I wrote this entire entry [in] such a rush.

+In all the nuclear reactor felt the harsh and pounding troubles of its entire power plant collapsing and falling apart, so it as well [collapsed] and fell apart.

+Over ten [workers] died in the accident. Apart from the ten that were deceased...

+[They proved to be] as the luckiest of the group.

+Ah yes, I had to get back to my point [in what] exactly is my specific job the State of New Jersey so happily agreed to deliver to me.

+The outside of the suit is also [sewn] from the same material from the inside, but with another layer on top of that one.

+I’m [in such] a rush. I don’t think I even have time to finish this entire.

+I don’t think I even have time to finish this entire [thing].

+Every single hand looks [bruised] in a series of burns and lacerations. +Yeah, all of that was just crap to try to persuade me agree to this, which I did but it’s due to [the] money source as I said.

+The reason this specific [designed] was made was not in an artistic sense...

+You have to walk between [the] line of optimism and pessimism.

+And I can well tell you that [this] place is very unrealistic.

+This must have been the nail of whatever creature decided to toy around with the steam turbine, but the [question] still remained

+Even as I write this the horrors of being assaulted by a pack of wolves still [brings] me to my knees to plead for my life.

+Remove the capitalization of "the" when it is not the beginning of a sentence:

-[the] Station

+[Roads] crossed on and beyond to the main road, and they were all just as ruined and destroyed as the rest of this junkyard of ancient history

+I seem to [fell] its intense pulse as the scream washed over me with the freezing wind.

+That is what I tell myself even when my own hand [lacks] the dexterity to jot down these words since I am utterly tired.

+The longer I stay here, the more of a chance I give these fucking [beasts] to devour me.

+I can’t believe I [outran] them.

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Corrections aside, it's now time for the review of the story itself. When it came to the story, I felt it flowed rather nice and easy, being a good read. The way you wrote it gave a nice sense that the main character was in fact in solitude and had nothing but his thoughts to entertain and express himself.

It was interesting how he began to discover the few noted clues that he wasn't alone. I will note that even after you revealed the "threat" and gave a well description of what they looked like, it slightly took away the "unknown" factor that the most timeless horror stories are known for. It's fine that you revealed the "threat" but I feel the creep factor would gain a few points if you left those parts out.

What if you removed everything AFTER "The only vivid, lucid, and clear memory I can always recall and remember is how they all appeared once I crawled out from those smuggle crops." and kept everything STARTING at "They attacked me. They hit me."

The effect I feel this would create would at first have the reader involved with our character throughout the story until he actually has face the "threat." At that moment, we are thrown into darkness as to what only he is viewing. What we are left with is our own imaginations at what the horrors are character is having to witness. Plus it keeps a nice nifty way of teasing the reader even though we might have an idea what they could look like, but we really don't know. Instead, all we were fed is their hands and their voices as you noted in the story. This is just an idea though.

The only real drawback I had with the story was the fact he was writing the last entry with such a severe wound inflicted, being the chest. I would have believed it more if the open chest wound was the cause of his deterioration from the radiation, but if it was inflicted, then him writing that entry should have been real short or non-existent at all. The stomach laceration was believable and can stay.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. I like journal entry stories just as much as I like solitude/survival stories intertwined with horror. I think you did a decent job capturing some of those elements into this story. I look forward to reading more of you work! Thank you so much for your review and comments. It was really useful and flattering to hear your advice and opinion on the story. I may actually alter the ending in the road you suggested, since I see your point of view in that perspective. Again thank you for also pointing out my grammatical mistakes. Much appreciated.