Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-14155875-20150216135432/@comment-25941663-20150216140404

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"When he comes inside, the homeless man quickly comes inside and shuts the door..." You shouldn't repeat words so close to each other. But honestly, this sentence doesn't make sense. Did he come in the house twice? It should simply be "The homeless man quickly comes inside and shuts the door." But even that doesn't make sense; who opened the door for him?

I am sorry, but almost no sentence makes sense. I could go into detail, but I think it would be wiser if you took a look yourself.

Also, you change tense every other sentence. You should stick with present/past tense for the duration of the story.

Sorry, but I can't see this working even if you fixed those errors. It is too short and too much happens.

A final advice: if you want to improve, you need to practise, practise and then practise some more.