Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30881196-20161228230535/@comment-28060931-20161230005427

I'm shit at writing and reviewing so don't take my word for it. But I have a couple of stories on here so I think I could give this a good shot.

” Ok, daddy, I love you!” she finished with an enthusiastic declaration of affection for her father before closing the door. My advice here is cut the last bit out. We know that she said it affectionatly and to her father.

I found a lot of this in the story. It's a pet peeve of mine, ending dialogue with shit like 'inquired' 'exlaimed', you know; it sounds like decleration of 'Look! This is a story, it's not real, I have to explain to you how these charecters are saying things, no matter how obvious it is!' Just cut it out and stick 'said' and spice it up once in a blue moon. Also, don't add things like "with a smirk on his face' or 'With a resounding note of defeat'. A lot of writers would say this, but it really irks me. Sorry if I was too harsh, I do like the story.

splash of water aimed in his direction, and accusations of being silly were her only reply. Try: "Her only reply was a splash of water in his direction and a accusation of his silliness." In other words, use active voice.

David paid and treated them well, earning his employee's respect. I think it might flow better if you removed the last bit.

... farmer David said to... and ...Farmer David wasted little time... I'm not sure is capitalising Farmer correct, but one of these is wrong.

There was something odd about him though, whether it was the coat he wore,[no comma] or not[comma] David couldn’t be sure.

“So[comma] what are you listening to'[comma. These are gramatically correct ways, but grammer can go and suck the big one if ignoring it helps the story. I would omit the first comma-]' anyway?” inquired David.

"You know, kid I like you, but[.../ or "-" if you want the kid to interupt Dave]”

...into almost cartoonish proportions, reshaping his body. Nah, "Reshaping his body" never could have guessed. Jokes aside, omit the last part.

Before the teen stood David Again, try, maybe "David stood before the teen" See, that sound much better. Pasive voice is only used to emphisize verb.

Okay, I done for now. I may look over it tommorow, so check to see if I eddited my comment. I won't clutter the comments that way.

Final thoughts: Holy shit, ask humboldtlyncanthrope to read this, he'll have an orgasm. This is a story very akin to his. Shock-factor mixed with monsters, no, Werewolfs! The story was good and I want to read the rest. Your errors are common ones that you learn from, and move on. The most common errors in writing are the most important to avoid. Peace for now,

-Jake.

P.S. check back tommorow afternoon(GMT) or this time to see if I went more in-depth. I haven't got a good's night rest for a week.