Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25039222-20140609000114/@comment-25039222-20140618120040

Horizons are Limited wrote: Thebigdrew22 wrote: Booboofinger wrote: Thebigdrew22 wrote: Booboofinger wrote: Wall of text. Is that better? Much better.

It's good first effort, but there are several inconsistencies in the story.

The first one that stuck out is why would someone with a police record would even attempt a career as a political consultant?

Then there is when he first talks to Almudena Morales and she mutters something, presumably in Spanish and the narrator does not understand it, even though he later on shows that he does understand Spanish.

Also, they mayor specifically asks for Almudena Morales's opinion, even though it seems to be a well known fact that she is dead.

Finally, Almudena Morales herself. She is dead, but runs the cemetery. According to the information that the narrator gives us, she dies a young girl but looks now like an old lady. And what did she have against mayor in the first place? Given the nastiness she displayed by killing him and his family, you would think there was some history there. But that was never addressed.

Finally done with the edits. Seeing as I was/am pretty drunk for the writing of the new stuff, feel free to critique it as you see fit. ...you were drunk while writing? Yesterday was my saturday, so, yes I was drunk.