Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26460610-20150603055952/@comment-25037895-20150603074627

I'll make a few a lot of suggestions:
 * [psych hold when they died in a car accident when I was eight] Repeated "when" it sounds redundant.
 * [I know I'm standing over my parents, mutilated bodies, watching as] Remove the first comma, and add an apostrophe after the "s" in parents.
 * [but not how they looked or dressed, smelled, (and/or) sounded.]
 * [Cried and screamed and pleaded for my parents to get up and take]The flow would be improved with an "I" at the front of this sentence.
 * ["An imaginary friend" as the (they) liked to]
 * [On my sixteenth birthday I made myself a cake]
 * [happy birthday to my self (myself)]
 * [That I could finally do something fun, interesting, (and/or) different.]
 * [I was going to sleep where ever (wherever) the]
 * [truth that no one (gave) a shit about me.]
 * [I wondered (wandered) around the cabin]
 * [Within a minute I couldn't see]
 * [Trudging into the black cursing everything.]
 * [When I opened my eyes light was barely shining from above]
 * [The walls were covered in ice, noway (no way) to get up]
 * [The next thing I know I'm back at the]
 * [But when I finally did people where (were) greeting]"But" is not necessary in this sentence, it might improve the flow to remove it.
 * [ Everyday (Every) single day.]
 * [ask if I was okay and (I) said that Karl was an]
 * [One day after school I was chased into]
 * [shadow to him like a (I) was to everyone]
 * [oaf standing in front of me trying to figure out where his prey went.]
 * [Unfortunately all good things come to an]
 * [Before I knew what hit me pain was raining down on my face.]
 * ["Where'd you go Shithead !(shithead)"]Also needs a question mark.
 * [put me through hell for so long. And when I spoke it came from]It would improve the flow to combine the sentences with a comma, and un-capitalize "and".
 * [ From (Since) then on I've been jumping from state to state]
 * [Oh and just remember I'm always in the shadows.]

As far as the story goes, it was definitely all over the place. A lot of the events feel unconnected, and the transition between them doesn't flow properly. There's a multitude of things that take place, some of them outright random, and no big event that adds the necessary tension. The sentence structure is also flawed, a lot of the time, it reads choppy and the description could be elaborated. The story as a whole drags on because of this. There was some good moments speckled here and there, I just think it should be cut down, as a lot of sentences/paragraphs are not needed and detract from the story.