Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24965948-20140521143659/@comment-24821182-20140521173852

There's so many grammatical errors in this story that I couldn't take it seriously. You only seem to capitalize "I" when it's in the start of a sentence. You spell so many words incorrectly that I'm actually wondering if it's supposed to be this poorly written. Considering you've written 66 CPs prior to this one, I find it hard to believe you make such a sheer number of rudimentary mistakes. Why didn't you have a dictionary open, if you were unsure how to spell the words?

Wave already commented on the ellipses, but I just want to stress how many times I see inexperienced writers use these to create atmosphere. I really don't understand why people think it's acceptable to use so many, and I'm guessing they do it because they lack the ability to create a proper ambiance through description.

Also, in the very first entry, you could do a better job at seperating the chatroom texts from what the narrator is saying. You could probably just put the chatroom texts in cursive, and that would fix the issue. I also object to having an entry be a preface, which you made your very first one.

As for the story itself, I laughed when the narrator saw her friend's head explode, and she went to check for a pulse. 100% of the time, it's fatal to have your head explode, so the narrator didn't need to make sure her friend was dead. It would also have been great if she was shocked to see such a grotesque sight.

Lastly, the overall story made no sense to me. The punishment the narrator received for taunting xCursedBlack didn't fit the crime. Killing a person's ego is an odd punishment for... anything. Why did you give the antagonist your own username? Is he a self-insert?

I would very much like it if you could link me to some of these other 66 CPs you've written, because I really can't understand how it's possible to write so many and learn so little. Have you never received feedback before?

Whatever the reason, I'm sure you can improve, and the Writer's Workshop is a good place for you to get advice, so I would suggest you continue posting on here. I'll be happy to help you in any way I can.