Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30619089-20161127205522/@comment-24101790-20161127220046

Punctuation issues: "But when we dropped my best friend off at her house when it was just me and my girlfriend(,/./and) she asked something." You also tend to not use commas or semicolons where they are needed. ""Aw.. your girlfriend is dead such a pity..."", ""NO EXCUSES(!/,) DO IT NOW!"", etc. Quotations missing from dialogue: "Why are you here she asked, holding her fist tightly."

Punctuation issues cont.: Punctuation missing before and inside dialogue. ""Whatever(.)"", "I said(,/) "No, I won't do that, I know she cheated on me and stuff but I still love her."", "Janette asked "Have you even seen her brother or her parents before?"", " said "Oh Adam, why did you have to break up with me, look at what you caused.."", etc.

Clunky/overly complex sentences: "Then I dropped her off at her house and started to walk home and when I passed Ashley's house and I heard a loud sound coming from it so I went to investigate and it sounded like it was coming from her basement window so I checked and I couldn't believe what I saw, I saw Ashley and her "brother" having sex.", "As soon as I saw that I ran home and went to my room and started to cry and I started to think I should kill myself (I have been struggling from depression and suicidal thoughts for a couple of years now) and I texted Janette about my findings, and she flipped.", etc.

Dialogue: The dialogue is really awkward. Lines like: ""Can you please stop being friends with her?" she asked in a (an) adorable tone, and I said(,/:) "No, she is my best friend and will be for forever."", ""Aw.. your girlfriend is dead such a pity...", "Oh Adam, why did you have to break up with me, look at what you caused.."", ""Because he is mine here is mine why is mine and why can't you go to sleep?"", etc. feel really out-of-place.

Story issues: A lot of the action scenes feel really bland as there isn't a lot of descriptive elements here so they come off as feeling more like a checklist. "Janette stood up and tackled Ashley knocking her to the ground and then Ashley threw her off grabbed the bat and started to bash her head in". "She pulled out a taser and put it at my chest. "What am I Adam?" In a really demonic tone." How exactly does it sound demonic. Is it low and gravelly or is it high-pitched and grating. Just calling it demonic is a really generic element.

Story issues cont.: There are a lot of plot holes here. "That was a couple of weeks ago and I am writing in this journal so I can vent." Why exactly are they writing this rather than getting help. The girl has literally murdered multiple people and the protagonist has the wherewithal to write an account so why aren't they seeking help/escape.

Then there's the report at the end: "Police Report #1 We found this journal stuffed into one of the victim's eye ball sockets when we found the corpse of Adam Nicholson at the Barnstormer residence, we also found a metal bat with the fingerprints of Ashley Barnstormer, more information will be released as we look into this. an hour ago"" First off, how exactly did a journal end up in one's eye socket, how would it fit? Also, why are the police releasing a report this early without having reached a conclusion?

I'm sorry, but on top of the punctuation, capitalization, wording, and dialogue issues, there are a lot of plot issues here. I'm sorry, but I don't think this story can be salvaged as the plot is relatively generic. Seeing that the appeal has been turned down, I have to agree with Jay there. You may be able to salvage this if you completely re-write this, flesh out the concept, and add more descriptive/involving elements. Right now, this doesn't meet our quality standards.