Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27064985-20161002134713/@comment-28266772-20161003152104

Below is annotated version of your story:

It was 9 AM [how important is the time?], and I was playing Roblox [do we need to know what you were playing?]. I was playing it because I was bored [same problem here]. Then I heard something, saying "Come here." '[what something? What did it sound like? Where did it come from?] I didn't pay attention so I kept playing Roblox [why would you not pay attention?]'. Then It [it] grew louder, and louder, and louder '[and louder and louder and louder and louder; sometimes less is more. Also we still don’t get a damned hint as to what the voice sounds like]'. Then I saw what it was, [double spacing] the tall man with black arms and white eyes [you’re just stating his appearance without building any mood or atmosphere] that appeared in my brain [I’m not even sure what you mean by here]. I passed out, and when I woke up I was in the hospital '[why? What happened? Who found you?]'. I still have nightmares about it. [I’m not even sure what happened]

Mechanical issues – some, not loads.

Style issues – no attempt to build mood and atmosphere. You just state what happens with no real description or creativity. Build a bigger vocabulary and put it to use.

Plot issues – For a small pasta you still include a weird number of useless bits of information. Nothing happens. The kid hears something, it gets louder, and then he sees something “in his brain” (???) which doesn’t make a lot of sense.

-

Conclusion – read more. In particular look at Nachtrae’s Fall Asleep for a sense of how to create mood and atmosphere in a short story.