Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28266772-20160707162915/@comment-28266772-20160709130708

Emeryy wrote:

It's fine if such a place remains vague, but it should refrain from going into too much detail. I think the story begins to go past the line when Albert refers to one of them as an "established customer" and a "vetting process". When these are added, they begin to create more questions that will remain unanswered.

The beginning (Sarah's message) could hold a bit more substance, rather than a "I found this among other things, here you go", sort of deal. Sarah is not a major character, of course, but I'm unsure if the letter was sent as an interesting find, or as part of a larger investigation. Could be either, I'd say.

I find these to be smaller points, though. The overall voice makes it quite enjoyable, and it has a nice twist once at the pieces come together. It's very solid as it stands. Great work!

-E Thank you very much for the thoughtful feedback!

And I've considered elaborating on the underlying story a bit more by fleshing out the brother's realization that he's the miscarried child who was somehow resurrected. Perhaps by having a more fluid conversation between them where she asks "I never knew Mum miscarried just before you were born" and him saying something along those lies, "she didn't. I think I was the baby." Do you think this would help the little Sarah plotline?