Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26319234-20160420192010/@comment-24101790-20160420195437

I suggest you read it again then.

Story issues: First things first, this feels very rushed. "She was hiding behind a broken throne, her clothes tattered, eyes wide with fear. She told me that she had a troubled past, and had been raised in unfortunate circumstances. I sympathized with her, and asked her her name. She told me, but she asked me to not reveal her true name, as someone might be looking for her. I never questioned her about that, and I assumed she'd be safe at my house back here in the States." You have just met this girl and she decides to go home with you over what seemingly seems to be a day long meeting. (Not only that, but since you live with your parents, they also seemingly agreed to this as well rather than say get police involved in Europe?)

The entire section on DID also needs explanation as MPD/DID generally develops during the developmental phase (childhood) and manifests over the course of many years so a traumatic event triggering it at 21 almost instantaneously needs more focus. ("I know, 21 years old and still living with my parents." You also create a plot hole as you meet three years ago, putting you at 17-18, but one year later is when the crime occurs, putting you at 19/20 .) Maybe you meant to say PTSD as the fact you mention DID and really don't go into detail about alters/aspects feel out of place and really doesn't bolster the story.

Story issues cont.: There are a number of lines that make the story feel very unrealistic, besides meeting a girl and taking her home after a short period, there are also lines like this: "She was hiding behind a broken throne, her clothes tattered, eyes wide with fear." (Why is she hiding in a castle in the first place? How has no one noticed her enter the castle in such a state? If she's being pursued by unknown sources (never elaborated on), why is she so open in explaining her history and possibly letting pursuers know who she is?)

"She told me, but she asked me to not reveal her true name, as someone might be looking for her." (You are telling this story after her death, why not name her and build a sense of realism? How is she dictating anything here? Why is the protagonist concerned with this if the worst has already happened?),

"We were out back, practicing swordplay. We used real swords, but we'd always stop before any blood was drawn, so we ran no risk of hurting one another." (As frequent swordplay/training is not typical for couples, this needs a lot of explaining to make it relatable. Additionally where did you get the swords, how are either of you trained to the point of slashing/stabbing/riposting/parrying/defending effectively without hurting each other? What is your experience and what is the girl's? I have seen people who have decades of experience with a machete still end up hurting someone when they are practicing/working.).

Issues with realism continued: "The main man's face was hidden behind a demon's face mask, so I never got to see his facial features. He wielded a zweihander, a two handed sword, but in one hand. The first goon was tall, almost impossibly so, and wielded an axe that resembled a headsman's axe..." (Are these people just wandering around the U.S. decked out in Medieval weaponry? An executioner's axe and a zweihander are not easily concealable weapons so them wandering around in hoods/masks and heavy weaponry without drawing any attention feels off, as does their ability to sneak into a backyard without alerting people practicing there.)

"When we saw them, my fiancee said, "Oh no, he's found me! Red, run!" "No!" I yelled. "I'm not leaving you to face these guys alone!"" (You were practicing swordplay at the time, what happened to your weapons? It creates a hole in the story to not explain this.)

"proceeded to stab my fiancée through the heart. The sword he wielded pulsated with energy as he did so, almost as if it was eager to feel someone's blood on it." (This feels like it was inspired from an anime and it draws away from the realistic angle you're trying to tell here. Additionally if they're contract killers, why exactly are they using large swords and axes instead of something that can be concealed/brought through customs without raising issues?)

Final story issues: The story feels very rushed and doesn't really focus on telling a moving plot due to the lack of characterization and explanation. The whole premise of explaining why you have DID, but not mentioning what it's like living with MPD/DID after the fact or how it manifested is going to raise more questions. Even if the story is true, it is told in a way that makes it seem unrealistic and the lack of explanation/reasoning given only weakens the plot further. Those were a few of the plot issues present in your story.