Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32807959-20170808223841/@comment-24101790-20170808235435

There are a lot of mechanical and plot issues here, which led to the story's deletion when you posted it. I suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story before posting it as there are dozens upon dozens of issues here that would result in any future stories being removed for not meeting out quality standards as well.

Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "It’s face opened up and a needle appeared. Robbie took caution and moved away.", "But when night came, Robbie’s friend snuck into his house and re activated it’s brain with an evil chip.", " It’s head is in front of its shoulder structure.", etc.

Punctuation: A majority of your punctuation is outside of dialogue quotations (which is incorrect) "“Yeah, if they try to come by us they’ll pay”, replied Robbie.", “Oh here it is”, said Robbie.", "“Oh shit I can’t believe those guys did that to us”, said Robbie", etc. Punctuation goes inside of quotations.

Redundancies: You tend to pointlessly restate a lot of things throughout the story. "It would be a big watch and he didn’t have a lot of money. But he succeeded in building it. But he decided the watch is too big and no one would want to buy it.", " He began working on a mini heater. This new design got him interested in the weapons business. He began working on a mini heater.", "Soon, Robbie had more than 800,000,000 dollars. He became rich", etc.

Spacing: " But of course, there were rivals. Rivals included more than just mean kids.They (space needed) included buyers that decided the watch needed more stuff." You also indent paragraphs which cause the white box formatting issue you're seeing above.

Wording: "This smart watch will be very unique. This is because it will move. Literally. It would be connected to a mover. But not literally.", "So except your new life.", "Then the petit (petite, as petit is a law term) heater cone would begin heating something up.", "His robot stood 12 feet tall and (was) fully mobile like a movie.","He soon figured out as a young boy finds out about his own semen, that he can produce a larva out of his center body and stab it into his victims to turn them into his species.", "The bot let the third one’s leg burnt crisp." etc. I suggest re-reading this carefully as there are a lot of wording issues here.

Story issues: There are sections of the story that feel like padding ("“So where is it?” asked his friend. Robbie looked at his watch. “I don’t know, it should be here!” said Robbie. “Oh here it is”, said Robbie."") and other areas that feel rushed, like the numerous instances where you abruptly jump forward in time ("He also extended the jaunt method by creating portals. The year is 2034 and Robbie is an official jaunt officer.") or where you gloss over pretty important events. ("But deep inside, he knows he isn’t human. Not as once before. So he dwindled our earth and feels the need and desire for human flesh.")

Story issues cont.: You also need to space out dialogue so two speakers are never on the same line. "“Oh shit I can’t believe those guys did that to us”, said Robbie. “Yeah! We can’t just let that stand!” said his friend." This is done to prevent misattribution and to improve story flow. Plenty of examples can be found in most forms of literature if you're looking for reference.

Story issues cont.: Descriptions need a lot of work here. Lines like: "The outer outlet for the heat ray looks like a dragon eye." and "He can no longer contribute to mankind. At first he was depressed. He gutted himself to find out his insides were normal. And more surprisingly it didn’t kill him." First things first, as a dragon is a mythical creature, there really is no physical representation to easily understand what you mean when you describe an eye as being dragon-esque (like calling a voice demonic, you need more detail to make it effective). He also just randomly jumps to suicide with no real build-up or drama. It feels anti-climactic and bland.

Story issues final: There are other plot issues here, but I'd like to focus on the plot holes before wrapping this up. "But when night came, Robbie’s friend snuck into his house and re activated it’s brain with an evil chip." (An evil chip is an incredibly subjective term and not very descriptive as well as being generic. Who builds an evil chip in the first place? For other description issues, see above.) "The objective of Robbie and his friend is to scare the bullies into craziness, not to hurt them." That makes very little sense. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of fundamental issues here.