Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30861466-20170819213805/@comment-32906717-20170820011356

Please correct the formatting.

There's no character development. I feel absolutely nothing for Kimberly or her sibling. In fact, the only thing I felt about her was that she was basically Jeff the Killer possessed by a demon. Then she got all the weird powers, and the story seemed to make a 50-mile-per-hour rush to the end. She was supposed to get better, wasn't she? Why did she go to the hospital, get better and then want revenge?!

Also, the demon forces his way into her body. She told him no, didn't take his deal, yet he still possessed her. His entry in the book doesn't suggest that he can do that, so there's a disconnect there as in-universe he's essentially breaking an established rule. And why kill only the parents and the town? Why wasn't the sibling killed as well? The "well, the blast could've done it" doesn't work. It just doesn't.

You've got quite a few grammar and mechanical issues too.

"I bet you’ve all heard that phrase everybody has a dark side? Well some people have much darker sides than others, yes we can all be a bit sadistic or sociopathic now and again but with my sister Kimberly it was beyond anything like that."

"everybody has a dark side?" should be in single quote marks. 'Well' needs a comma after it. The comma after 'others' should be replaced with a semi-colon, and there should be a comma after yes. That's your first paragraph alone, and that's just an example.

Clean it up some, make it a little less rushy, and I'll take a second look when I get the time.