Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25196212-20140723003632/@comment-25148755-20140725213736

It seems like you already have a catch phrase "Fear my name." Not sure if you added that in there after you made the comment or not.

Of all the issues this story has, the biggest is that you continue to add elements without actually going back and fixing the stuff that has been pointed out as broken. I'm going to try to be a little bit more specific with my observations because I realize I've just been generalizing. This is going to be kind of long because I'll be taking it section by section.

S1 Note-This is a warning if you ever run into username SHRIL666 in hopes that you won't meet the same terrorble fate. Never respond to SHRIL666. No matter how much it invokes you. Never respond or it will take you.

Right off the bat you have spelling isues. "terrorble". The last three sentences are choppy and could be reworked. Starting out a story with this kind of warning is the first of what will soon be many cliches.

S2 It started off,just a regular morning. No school. Just free time. Free to do anything,favorite games,see new movies,Ect. This summer,is going to be the greatest. Ever since my old favorite game broke down, things have been rather boreing. But i got over it, and forgot about it. Checking my E-mails every morning, not really much. No notifications. No new mail. Nothing. But one day, that changed. But not in a good way.

This paragraph is completely unnecessary. It adds nothing to the story (simply reiterates the warning you've already given) and states your board. On top of that, it is choppy and has several spelling and punctuation errors. (Make sure you add a space after you use a comma.)

S3 I was looking through my mail,and i had a notification from SHRIL666. I had never met him before. I'm not used to recieving any E-mails from people i didn't talk to in the first place. But i did hear a legend about Username SHRIL666. They say if you respond to his messages in any way, he will take you. But this was most likely just some low-life loser that wants attention. I clicked the message, it was titled "Fear my name. Forget your emails. And fear my name. Fear my name. Fear the name Shril." The title wasn't able to be that long, i've tried it before, trust me, it is nothing normal. The body had no text at all,not a single word. Just a link. Just as any other link, it had some words in it about where it lead to. But the words didn't have the site name, it just said yourenext.jpg. But nothing else. Do i dare click the link?? What if it truely IS the legend?? No. That's impossible. The only siteings of him were on another site. So i just manned up, and clicked it. I braced for a jumpscare, or that Evil Dead girl picture that takes up the whole screen and screams at you. But no. I'm not lucky enough for that. Instead, it was a picture of a mangled, bloody corpse of what appeared to be a man, the photo was taken in some sort of ally way, and I could have sworn that i had seen that place nearby before.

The overlong title is an odd detail to notice and is not particularly scary. You change from past to present verb tense with "Do I dare click the link?" Saying you "man up and click the link" makes no sense. Your character just received a spam email that will, likely, infect his computer without about 500 viruses. There is no manning up here, just stupidity. Spelling and choppiness continues (ally way = alleyway)....try to limit the number of 4-5 word sentences you use. They should mainly be used for effect. When you string a bunch of them together it reads like a fourth grade homework assignment. Additionally, a random email/website/link taking the narrator to an incredibly gory picture/video is cliche #2.

S4 The corpse was horrific, every gory detail was forever imprinted in myy mind. The man's spine had been ripped out with intence force, and shoved into his heart, which was stuck on his spine while it was sticking into the air. The look on the man's face was demented. And just like any meme would, it had words on it. they read:

'You should have never clicked that link"

I was so afraid that i punched a hole in the computer screen. There was no way i would ever see that horrible picture again. But no matter what i did, I couldn't deny it. I responded to SHRIL666. Now he's probaly hunting me down like a wild animal right now. I bought a phone,so i could still see my E-mails, and i disabled it's ability to show pictures, and i blocked SHRIL666, But right when i opened my account back up, I saw another post from SHRIL666, dated the very second i logged in, as if he had been waiting for me. But how could he have known? Was he stalking me? He must be playing with me, like it's some sort of game to him. That very thought haunted my dreams last night. All i saw was what i thought he would have looked like. A horrible beast. Even worse, i heard screams outside before i went to sleep. Had to have been...No.... That's completely impossible.... Nothing could have ripped his spine out as brutal as that. But i had never seen any thing at all do that before either. The question just haunts me. Was it him? Was it really him? I woke up. I had nothing but nightmares that night. Pure nightmares about that thing.

You say the corpse is gory but provide no details. Either way this is not scary. A dead body is not scary. Describing a gory picture of a dead body is not scary, certainly not scary enough to justify "punching a hole in the computer screen" which is so over-the-top as to be ridiculous. You have formatting problems with the multiple skipped lines before the meme words, your spelling continues to be atrocious (myy = my, intence = intense, probaly = probably) and your writing is still choppy with the incredibly short sentences.

S5 I opened the message the thing had sent me, even though I knew this was a horrible idea. But i had already invoked the thing. It wouldn't have made a difference. But to my surprise, it wasn't a corpse. It wasn't even a picture at all. No link. But there was text. The message read:

"There will be blood."

I was terrorfied. My fate is sealed. I can run, find help. I know somebody who will be able to help me. My old pal,Frank I don't give a rat's ass what the hell he is, thing's goin' down. And not a second to waste.

" Frank,i need some weapons.

"Why? Do you expect'em for free??

"I met SHRIL666!"

"Damn, i told you about him. Why would you talk to him?"

" I didn't think it was him! Now can i PLEASE get some guns?"

"Fine. But you owe me twelve bucks."

More spelling errors. (terrorfied = terrified). Link/email/whatever changing into something else is cliche #3. After "There will be blood" (lame) your writing is as choppy as ever but you seem to have completely thrown grammar out the window as well. I don't know where Frank shops, but twelve bucks wouldn't buy you a nerf gun.

S6 We got some good guns,good ammo, and I used the remaining money to by any combination of supplies that could possible help me. I went to sleep, ignoring the nightmares. Feeling so confident that i would win. That was my best sleep since getting that message,

I woke up the next day. I tried to call frank.

"Frank,buddy, get ready,man."

"Okay, I'll be there in a second, there's somethin' in the attic."

"Okay, deal with it and and get your ass over here,come on man..."

I went to where i had hidden the weapons, but they were gone. There was a note on the wall written in blood. It read, i have him. I rushed over to franks house, but sure enough,he was gone. not a trace. The thing must have gotten him..i was alone.

Again, how are you getting "good guns, good ammo" and having anything left of your twelve dollars? What, exactly is a "good" gun? Why do you go to sleep and how do you know the thing won't attack until the next day? Frank "taking care of something in the attic" is cliche #4. Also you have a supernatural entity hunting you down...why the f@#$ would you not have a weapon in hand at all times??! You hide them? Are you kidding me with this? Minor grammar errors but probably the best section so far in terms of formatting and spelling.

P7I ran as fast as i could. Obvilously Shril knew where i lived. I'm now possitive that he's no for real. I invoked the real, SHRIL666. I had never been more afraid in my life. I'm dealing with a demented murderer. I ran down the street. I noticed the same ally that the photo was taken in, along with the body. Then, I noticed something horrific. Everybody was dead. Things ranged from burning cars, charred bodies, and mangled corpses. Then, I heard some sort of demonic laugh coming from all around me. I'm screwed.

"You never really stood a chance"

I screamed at it. It HAD to have been him.

"YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'RE SICK, TWISTED, AND NOTHING BUT PURE EVIL!"

It laughed at me, as if it had expected me to say that.

" I'm not evil.

I'm just sadistic. Now. Fear my name. Close your eyes. And fear my name." Its voice sounded so...relaxed.. almost like a hypnotist would sound like, trying to keep their voice relaxed. "Fear my name. FEAR MY NAME. This will all be over soon. Just fear my name. And it will all be over."

Why is it obvious SHRILL knew where you lived? Did Frank tell him? Otherwise, all you know is he has your email. "Everybody was dead." Ridiculous. Unbelievable. Not scary. Cliche #5. There's no reason for the massive space between "I'm not evil, I'm just sadistic." Format wise it looks terrible. This is also where you begin trying to slam in your catch phrase "Fear my name." This is a stupid catch phrase. Strike that: catch phrases are stupid. Unfortunately Jeff the Killer became popular so people suddenly thought that meant "catch phrases are kewl!" They aren't. And the spelling errors are back.

S8 I closed my eyes. Fear my name. A simple command. Fear my name. I waited for death as he swung his claws into me, breathing my final breathe. And uttering my final words.

"Fear my name."

Some people say the horrific creature is still out, there are still sightings of demonic entities roaming around. If you ever run into username SHRIL666, don't tell anyone. Never speak of SHRIL666. He will take you.

Ok, finally we're near the end. The narrator just died. Please explain who is giving this account in the past tense (i.e. it already happened.). You continue to pound "Fear my name." Please listen carefully: It isn't scary. It doesn't work. The fact that those were your narrator's final words makes no sense (and is cliche #6). "People say the creature is still out there" Of course he would be. You didn't kill him...where else would he be? The "you could be next" ending is cliche #7.

Finally to wrap up: you have a story here that is going to take a huge amount of work to be non-delete worthy on this site. That being said, as I have gone to this level of breaking the thing down I have begun to find I have an affinity for it...one of those almost "It's so bad, it's good" cult things, mostly due to the fact that there is almost nothing in this story that is not grammatically incorrect, cliched, or just over the top ridiculous. I am terrified to say that if you post this on trollwiki, you might just have a hit on your hands that expands and grows EVERYWHERE.