Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20160321044649/@comment-29791712-20160402163237

MrDupin wrote: "I learned in in school" - Your first 'in' should be 'it'.

"and burgers start to drip off their noses" - This might be intentional, but I'm bringing it to your attention either way. It should be 'buggers' not 'burgers'.

"ending up in more trouble than I bargain for" - It's 'bargained'.

"take good care of em" - Add an apostrophe before 'em'. Like this -> 'em.

"some peace one she got rid of me" - It's 'once'.

"the little things that makes a huge" - It's 'make'.

---

This was written nicely and the voice of the narrator as a child in the first half was perfect. Also, there were moments of genuine sadness, which you wrote superbly.

Apart from that though, this unfortunately didn't work. It certainly isn't a creepypasta, so first of all I don't think this should be put on the main site. I'll critque this as a normal story.

I'm afraid for the most time I was lost, especially on the second half. At times you were babbling on, constantly jumping from scene to scene and from topic to topic. It feels like there's no point or focus to most of the stuff you wrote.

That's the main issue with the story (apart from the non-scariness). Honestly, if this was a short story (less than 1.500 words, even less if possible) it would have been great. But now it's just a very long read without focus with some glimpses of what could have been. I first want to apologize for responding a bit late since I was recently on vacation and was unable to access my laptop. I thank you for your review.

Now on to the story. I know this particular story lacks a lot of elements that would make it a creepypasta (a major one being that it's not even that scary). But I have read and listened to a lot of creepypastas that were very sad and mellow, and those stories rarely gave me a chill. Still, they were widely praised, and people tend to have a soft spot for those type of tales. I thought I'd give a go at it, and see what I can do.

I see your point on the second half of the story. I wanted to include more detail in the story, however, so that's why I went into the direction of explaining the narrator's past with his grandma. I may have to make the second half flow more fluently, as you suggested.

Thank you again for your review. I appreciate it.