Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26527257-20150624081812/@comment-26373030-20150624084833

So the guy had a bad day and killed everyone? Seems like a good enough motive to me!

Spelling stuff:

What not want

Customers not costumers (Unless you're at a con XD)

Co-worker not coworker

clothes not cloths (x2)

there not they

Also you use commas way too much!

Now onto the actual story:

The guy doesn't seem to have a motive on the slightest. He had a bad day so he kills everyone? He doesn't even show the slightest bit of crazy in him, however this could be used to your advantage. Making it sound like a normal story and then suddenly.

"I'm surprised they found the bodies!"

It could be done very well! Personally, I would make it longer however I like the bitesize pasta! Possibly just add a bit more about every thing that happened.

"I crawled from my bed covers, groaning at the sun light. 12PM! He woke me up at 12PM! I put my hands on my ears in an attempt to block out the loud music. I grovelled into the sitting room where I poured myself a bowl of cereal. After finishing I slipped into the shower and got dressed. I just put on whatever wasn't dirty yet."

Y'know? Just make it more specific. It makes it sound more like a normal day and it would just add to the shock of the "I killed them" bit. You could also structure you story more. If you take my advice with making everything more specific then you coul paragraph whenever there is a new change of scenery. For example:-

-Paragraph for home

-paragraph for work

-paragraph for chinese place

-paragraph for home again

-The "How did they find the bodies" could be a seperate paragraph.

Vary your punctuation, don't only use commas and fullstops! I saw a semi-colon but that's about advanced as it got. Maybe you coul add some speech or quotation mark.

"I got home and my landlord was yelling at me about 'pushing her son'. I can't believe that little brat!"

And that's about it! Hope I helped!