Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-673245-20150612004034/@comment-26007602-20150612085547

So this was pretty well written, but it suffers from being the same as most other video game pastas: Users find creepy (These weren't actually that creepy, I think you could up the ante a bit more) messages or files hidden within a game that explain some aspect of the game but were deleted for one reason or another and are only available on a "special" game version. It's just been done quite a lot and this story doesn't particularly stand out. It's not bad, it just isn't especially interesting; the first few paragraphs explaining the game's mechanics aren't that interesting to read through and I feel I need to actually play the game to understand the rest of the story.

I can't think of anything for you to really improve on, as this is well written, but I worry it's just too much of a standard and clichéd video game pasta. I will say that there's nothing too creepy here. The only horrorish elements are present in the hidden messages, but these don't seem that creepy. You should imply more heavily that it's the voice actor instead of the character saying these because I could care less why Lumi dies, but I care marginally more about the actual human forced to say these words.

There's not much more I can think of, still hope this helps!