User blog comment:DoctorBleed/A Million Little Things of Bleach: On Rejection, Disappointment and Contests/@comment-24101790-20151122071028/@comment-10789912-20151122200707

The problem lies in the fact this was said not in dialogue, but rather in the narration of the story itself (which, in my eyes, was a cripple to the story. I would have recommended a more direct route, such as first person, but that was your choice to stay close to the original, in same manner).

It wasn't one character to another. It was a prime example of you switches tense within the story. Sometimes, it's a the same style as the original, with actions being said as they are happening. Others, it's not. That's the issue, or at least one of the biggest ones.