Talk:Phone/@comment-247250-20140904110647

I like this one, but there are still a few minor issues I'd like to point out.


 * "...phone finally brayed..." - I've never heard of a phone "braying" before. Small point, but the word choice sounds off to me.


 * "(It is only a phone call, for Pete’s sake!)" - This parenthetical is too much of a break of tone. The narrator before and after makes no other statements like this to the reader, and it's unnecessary.


 * "...it is still a departure from faithfulness." - We don't need the narrator moralizing at us either. Either describe how guilty Elena feels deep down or change the narrator's tone throughout the story. Right now, the narrator is stating this moral claim as though it is absolute truth.


 * "...hoped her new neighbor can pick up." - Tense switching is a no-no. Either stick with present tense, or stick with past tense.


 * "Elena stopped herself from revealing her secret." - Unless she was about to blurt "I was just on the phone with the man I'm having an affair with!", I don't think she was about to "reveal her secret." Talking on the phone is a completely normal thing to tell someone you're doing. If she had said "I was just on the phone," the neighbor would have just said "oh, it must just be our power then." You could have then had Elena check the lights or something to notice the power was out for her too.


 * Finally, I think the ending is too abrupt. This could have gone on for a bit longer to draw out the big reveal, and I think the story would have benefitted from it.

Overall, I still like the story a lot. You did a great job making the story somewhat erotic without being overdone as it frequently is, and the tone is largely consistent (except the 2 notes above). It intrigued me, and I like that it avoided many easy-to-fall-into cliches. 8.5/10