Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20170204172123/@comment-26475800-20170204184645

Okay, So I have a good amount of things that I wanted to tell you, but my computer crashed, so I'm going to tell you some of the things I remember.

First, I like the August Derleth reference. That's really good and a nice little nod.

Remove a good number of "that" you've used throughout this story, it makes the wording rather clunky.

You had a tendency of adding things that don't really need to be added. One example of this is: "Mr. Hodgson was the first to react. Without a second thought, he threw himself into the hole and slid to the bottom where Ambrose lied." We already know that Ambrose is down there, so you don't need to added "where Ambrose lied." It's a little redundant.

Remove the asides. It gives a good idea of what's happening when he's giving his retelling of what's happened, but it also removes tension. We don't need to know what he's doing while he's telling the story. We should get the feeling of how he feels by his words, not by the actions. We aren't interested in what he's doing now, but what he was doing while all this was going on. For a good Lovecraftian examples of this read: The Statement of Randolph Carter and Pickman's Model.

Those were the biggest things I've seen. If you fix those, it would make the story a lot smoother, and read cleaner. But that's just my opinion.