Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25389996-20140918210915/@comment-25170312-20140918230943

"Then the scene changed to show Soos at a closed gas station. Soos was taking a shit. Soos was unaware that the gas station was closed."

How was he unaware the gas station was closed if he was taking a shit? Gas station bathrooms are usually locked, and only employees have a key. DId he break into the bathroom, or was he shitting in his pants?

I basically hate these types of pastas because they are all just "I watched a lost episode, it was scary, the characters did gruesome stuff, don't ever watch it". I really can't understand why watching a violent episode of a cartoon show is going to make you "too scared to move". Why??? It's a CARTOON.

Now, if you want some actually constructive criticism, my main suggestion is to use more pronouns. "Bill then proceeded to cut Dipper's stomach open. Bill laughed a demonic laugh. Bill then proceeded to gut Dipper. Finally, Bill reached Dipper's heart. Bill ripped Dipper's heart out of his chest. Dipper died instantly. Bill laughed again. Bill then disappeared." You used the characters' names WAY too often. And all you do is say what the characters did. There's no descriptions, just "this happened, then that happened". Stories aren't just a list of things that happened. You have to elaborate. That's all I can think of right now. Take my comments with a grain of salt because I hate these kinds of pastas.