Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25073641-20160228125651/@comment-25941663-20160324205942

"When she was diagnoses" - "When she was diagnosed"

"I saw her eyes, and it was bloodshot" - It's "they" instead of "it".

"but even if it’s cut out of its leaves" - There's something wrong with the sentence. First of all, it's "their leaves" instead of "its leaves" and second the "of" should probably be cut. I suggest you rework that sentence.

"he like to think of these twisted things" - It's "he likes" instead of "he like".

"The coffee sure woke him up… was it?" - The "was it?" at the end is out of place.

"they wanted to be save from" - It's "saved".

"of which he had no idea what" - This is an awkward sentence, the "what" at the end doesn't fit.

"that was obviously causing" - It's "were" (as you refer to monsters).

"an image far devilish than" - It's "an image far more devilish than"

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What bothered me a lot was how the doctors at the hospital let Ms. Gonzalez leave the place. They just diagnosed her with a "profoundly new" illness and they let her go willy-nilly? They should have quaranteened her, letting her go is the last thing they would do. I highly suggest you find something more believable.

I don't really understand why you portrayed Fred the way you did. Why was he stroking himself in public? And why does it matter that his father was raping-murdering boys? As it stands, it's just there for a quick shock effect, but it doesn't do much more.

I loved the Tidelock and how you didn't give us much detail. The x-virus is very interesting and you played with the idea superbly, but I was disappointed we didn't get to read more of it. I know this is unfinished, but still.

Another thing that bothered me: You are throwing too much at the reader. The whole sun-getting-stuck situation, the x-virus and the black skinned devils are a bit too much, especially since they don't seem to be connected (and any connection is just a reader's assumption). I hope that in the finished story you fix that.

All in all, this was a quite immersive read, and you managed to portray the overall desperation very well. There is still improvement to be made on how each of your characters acts (to be honest, they seemed quite apathetic to the whole situation), but I believe you are on the right track for something great, if you fix all these (quite fixable) issues. Best of luck.