Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38610297-20190223044730/@comment-36627132-20190224072339

I was originally not going to review this story because I have a policy against reviewing unfinished pages even after they are finished. However this story suffers from many issues that you should be aware of so you can avoid them in your next story. Before I start I again want to urge you to finish your story before posting it on Writer's Workshop.

General Spelling and Grammar Issues: I suggest you proof read your next story as this one had a lot of spelling and grammar issues. The story suffers from awkward wording. You forgot to capitalize "light" in Angel of Light's name. You should start a new paragraph whenever somebody speaks and when you change speakers. This story has a few run on sentences. There are quotation marks missing throughout this story. Commas where periods would work better. You confuse "two" and "to" for "too".

Spelling and Grammar Issues: The first paragraph is italicised for some reason. "Hello...I have recently met with two girls, who wanted me to share their story." not only is the ellipsis pointless but so is the comma. "whos' real name is Serena" you mean "whose". "her right eye was blue, her left eye was brown." I suggest replacing the comma with the word "while". "Her sister Angel of Darkness aka Cara" I suggest saying "Her sister Angel of Darkness formerly known as Cara". "had milk chocolate colored," I suggest adding the word "hair" in there.

Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: "Why the Bloody Hell did you go at their mom?" first off "out" instead of "at", second "there" instead of "their". "admit to it Cara, your playing a prank on me." not only is that missing quotation marks, but also the word "to" is excessive and distorts what you are trying to say. "Nope not a dream that really a dream" what? "and he can be killed." did you mean "and he cannot be killed?". "realized non of the other" you mean "realized none of the other". "She pulled at one of the books" should be "She pulled out one of the books". "It all made since now" you mean "it all made sense now". "only a angle shifter could marry a soul hunter. " you mean "only an angel could marry a soul hunter.". "you can hear the voice of both sister's" you mean "sisters".

Plot Issues: First off, the photo at the beginning poses a few problems. First off, it was obviously taken in the 19th or early 20th century which is an anachronism as the girls have television sets and portable phones  in their home. Not only that, but that is a photo of two boys. It is also misleading, an unsuspecting person may see the photo and think this is a story about two infant children. Also at the beginning who is the narrator, how did they meet the sisters, why were they chosen to write this story? None of these questions are never answered.

Plot Issues Continued: Cara sees the old man is a fortune teller but you never tell us what it is about him that reveals it. "Cara looked at Serena. 'Why do you keep saying the same thing over and over?'" you never tell us what she keeps saying over and over. "Than who is it" you mean "Then who is it?". "'Run Forest Run' something said from the bushes." that just makes this story look like a joke. Am I missing something here, they hear that unintentionally humorous line and then they start to panic for no reason.

Plot Issues Continued: So the girls are panicking and the during all this chaos they decide to just sit down and watch television. The news reporter's dialogue is unrealistic. Then it turns out whatever was chasing them (?) earlier was their mother. If there was any tension that wasn't broken when the girls sat down and watched television it was broken by it turning out to be their mother. "As they lay in their beds they heard a noise. " you never describe what the noise sounded like. "Did you hear that?' One of them said. 'Yeah replied Cara" why "one of them said" when, since Cara replies, it is obvious that Serena said it.

Plot Issues Continued: The girls find their mother dead and don't actually seem to care. This leads to sisters' encounter with the monster who sounds cartoonish. He also isn't very threatening as something as small as having something thrown at him drives him away. And how did Cara know what he was? "he ain't no slender men or whatever" as I've said, it is universally agreed that you should never mention Creepyasta within a Creepypasta. The police phone operator's dialogue is just as unbelievable as the news reporter's.

Plot Issues Continued: Serena didn't seem concerned over Cara's eye changing color and for no reason she locks her in the room. Then she finds a paper from her mother who didn't do anything to protect her children (as far as we know) despite knowing about the monster. The secret passageway scene was just assanine in my opinion. Even more assanine is the ingredients for the drink you're supposed to trick the monster into drinking. When Cara comes in, I suggest you tell us the monster is with her otherwise we don't know who "he" is (I'm assuming "he" is the monster).

Plot Issues Continued: "Serena was good and Cara was evil" remember, show not tell. We never see these qualities play out. Am I missing something? They just turn into angels and ascend? "only a angle shifter could marry a soul hunter. " so did Cara marry the monster who attacked her the night before?

Plot Issues Continued: This story feels like a loose string of events. First off we have a creepy old fortune teller who never shows up again, then we have people disappearing which is never really resolved. On top of that a lot of it is very confusing and lacking in explanation.

Cliche Count: This one has a bunch of them, though they are subtil. Creepy old man with powers who mumbles/whispers/says something the main character can bearly hear, bullies (even though they are only mentioned through a small dialogue exchange) who bully the main characters who become special. A news report. The monster is a soul stealer who cannot be killed. A phone call to the police who do not believe the main character. The main character(s) turn out to be special.

I'm either missing a few things about this story or you did not explain well enough. The various typos, missing words, and dialogue without quotation marks made this a very confusing read.

Also, rule of etiquette (though not a site rule) don't give kudos to your own posts, it gives a bad impression.