Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25226524-20161129232736/@comment-28266772-20161201143305

The creature slipped its leathery red arm up through the crack in the earth. The smell of sulfur inundated the freshly cut back yard. As it pulled the rest of its emaciated form from the steamy chasm, it looked up to its destination: a window with yellow curtains drawn open. The young girl that usually resided there was terrified of monsters, especially skinny red ones. The creature slipped up the white lattice and slid the window open. As he stepped inside he smelled hints of strawberry and vanilla, but more importantly, he smelled innocence. '[Ah fuck it’s a Jay story and I just read the word ‘innocence’. Let me go get my apron.]'

He looked down to see if the fissure from which he emerged had receded, and, seeing it had done so, went about exploring the girl's room. He looked at the pictures of her family and friends pinned up on a cork board above her bed. Her name was Sarah, made clear by the large silver stickers on the board reading "Sarahs Loves"—the lack of apostrophe making her youth even more obvious He already knew her name but enjoyed seeing that she thought her name [‘her name’ repetition] mattered.

She looked so happy, and all her friends and family looked happier having known her. The left corner of his giant maw started slowly curling up, no more than a quarter inch, but clearly indicating this one would be exceptionally fun.

Opening his now widely grinning [‘now widely grinning’ feels wordy] mouth and flicking his forked tongue, he began making the sign of the cross: first touching his forehead, but, rather than stopping at the heart, he continued down to his groin and tapped before crossing left to right at his thrusting hips. An inverted and perverted version of something he knew this family held so dear. The creature then lifted his gnarled hand to his lips and kissed his scaly middle finger before raising it to the sky. Transgressive acts committed for nothing more than his own pleasure.

He opened the girl's drawers, one by one, lifting out different pieces of clothing and smelling them—deeply inhaling her juvenile scent before placing them delicately back in their proper place. He sat on her bed and fell back, allowing himself to become one with the bed, the room, and the child. He rolled up in her comforter and chuckled at the darkly ironic pun: her torturer being one with her "comforter". He wondered if she would even make it under this blanket again. Her curiosity would have to decide. For a moment the creature struggled against a frenzy—the ecstatic thought of snatching the young girl's tongue from her pretty little screaming mouth was almost too much to bear.

The house was still quiet, but he knew it wouldn't remain so for long, so he pushed himself up and made his way to the narrow white door at the left of her bed. He was overjoyed by the large walk-in closet, especially the cap and gown in the back left corner. A very convenient hiding place. The girl's mother had given her the dress to help her deal with the loss of her older brother. He had been killed by a drunk driver a year earlier. It was less than a month after he had worn it when it found its way into the girl's possession. It still smelled of her hero. The creature slowly strolled towards the back, running his hands along the edges of soft cotton as he dreamed of the child's terrified face. He longed to see her tears and hear her cries of horror and pain. He slipped in behind the large black gown just before he heard the front door open.

---

Stacy tapped on her phone as she walked through the school parking lot, eagerly awaiting details on what her best friend, Carly, wanted to do before the party tonight. She was in favor of watching the new scary movie that was playing, something about demons, but she knew Carly wasn't much into horror films. She scared too easily. Stacy slipped behind the wheel of her silver Jetta and buckled her seatbelt. She considered flipping off the school as she drove away, but decided it didn't deserve her time. About fifteen minutes later, just after she had turned onto the street where she lived, the text came through. She lifted the phone and was delighted to see that her friend had agreed to go to the movies as long as she didn't have to drive. Stacy typed the words:

"awesome. ur the best!!"

As soon as the message was sent, she looked up to see a young girl on a bike, swerving onto the street in front of her. She slammed on the brakes at the same time the child slammed into the pavement. Stacy felt the car lift slightly as it came to a stop, knowing what the bump was all about. The girl, pinned between the asphalt and the three thousand pound death machine, didn't make a sound—but Stacy did. She screamed and wept frantically. She leaned over to look under the car only to come face to face with what was now barely recognizable as a human. The girl's nose had been ripped off and an eye was hanging from its socket, she couldn't be sure which side it was from. Her lower jaw was missing and her tongue, now separated from her body, was lying on the road beside what was left of her head. The little pink and white license plate on the bike was sticking out from under the car with the word "SARAH" written in raised letters.

The creature waited, not knowing his job was already done.

-

Mechanical issues – you nearly had me with that “Sarahs Room” business. Other than that; sparkly clean (like Ned’s mother’s asshole).

Style issues – I’ve pointed out some of the wording that I thought could use an improvement. I couldn’t really bring any complaints about the rest of it though.

Plot issues – So for the most part this was spot on. I enjoyed the parallel between (not) giving the finger to the school and the demon’s finger to God. I enjoyed the descriptions and the gore and I particularly liked the phrasing used to describe the Demon’s inverted cross sign. But I got a real sense of anti-climax. I just felt like there wasn’t much to the joke of the girl being mowed down prior to the demon eating her. Yeah – his job had been done but I didn’t really get much catharsis from that. It’s like you develop an interesting set up but we never see it pay off.

I’d much rather see a little epilogue where we see the horrific (and possibly comedic) outcome of the monster waiting around endlessly for this girl to arrive. Maybe he gets the mother. Maybe he has to go back to hell where he’s ridiculed for being beaten to it by a teenager. Maybe he goes looking for Sarah and stumbles across Carla and expressed his frustrations in a typically demonic way. I don’t know; I just feel like this is missing an ending. Which is a shame because I think with a better ending to the story it’d be an absolutely awesome little pasta.