Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26425680-20171129125032/@comment-26399604-20171129165832

Hi Thomas,

I must say, this was a very enjoyable piece, especially with Christmas on the horizon. The setup was nice: the idea of the Christmas tree tradition and, even more so, the dark murder in the midst. I think the two scenes, the past one and the present, involving Corbin were really engaging, especially the past one.

I was curious about one thing though: Corbin's reason for sending Charlie back to save Magda. My interpretation, and correct me if I'm wrong, was that the Rule Maker forced Corbin to send Charlie back as punishment for hurting the boy (which he was not allowed to do stated by the wretch) and for bringing him to his "lair". I'm guessing that's why Corbin was arguing with it/him because that was not only his first kill, but it could've offset events and maybe even affected his "deal". I doubt Corbin really wanted to save her since he showed no signs of remorse. Not sure, it wasn't really clear if I'm wrong -- that'd be only critique on the plot.

All-in-all, I loved the story. I think it does well next to other one. That brings up another question: Are you building a collection of dark Christmas stories or was this just an idea you jumped on and it happened to fall in line with the theme of the other? I was just curious...

--

''I did note some errors throughout that I wanted to bring to your attention. Please note the brackets for the corrections and any italicizes for comments on the correction:''

+ When I was feeling bored, I’d go outside and run alongside the trees. Sometimes[,] I’d even use a stopwatch to see how long it took me to run out to the farthest tree and back (three and a half minutes, [by the way]). --  I'd spell out "btw" and prevent the use of any text short-hands 

+The low rumble of the idling engine suddenly became much louder. I heard the dirt and gravel kick out from underneath the [rear] tires as I was pushed back into the seat by the force of the car accelerating. --''Redundancy. I suggest "rear" instead "back" twice''

+I got the feeling that wherever we were going, it wasn’t a place that was accessible to just any driver{remove space}.

+“Don’t leave this car,” he demanded of me as he stepped out and walked toward a small room [that] was built into the corner of the garage.

+He pondered some more. “The name don’t sound important. Where do you live[,]Charlie?”

+“Shut the door,” the man said to the child,[“] and make sure it’s locked.”

+She reached into the secret vault and showed me her one treasure, a small doll she had created out of [a few] items and tidbits she’d found lying around. -- Suggested "a few" to remove the redundancy of "small"

+“Why don’t you tell anybody you’re here?[”] I asked her.

+He flung [the] door open, only to see Magda appear to be sleeping on the floor still wrapped in her chain.

+He pushed them aside with [a] mighty sweep but failed to find her.

+“Now c’mon[,] girl. Get yourself out here and I won’t hurt you.”

+I could sense that he [was] trying to figure out a way to erase the mess he’d created, and soon he began nodding his head as if he’d thought of a solution.

+I looked at what was in my hands - Perla hadn’t aged well, though it was still recognizable as [the] doll Magda had created.

+“I don’t fancy coming back here year after year, but as long as your alive [I] gotta do it.

+I thought back months earlier when my father and I had gone to the park and played one-on-one. I’d made such a wish after he’d defeated [me] handily.