Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27304089-20151128001110/@comment-25941663-20151130140538

"thin illuminated lines on the faces of my father" - Your father probably has just one face, not many.

"he is too young to know how to hold in your fear for self-preservation" - Not 'your' fear, but either 'his' or 'the' fear.

"Some of the these people" - Either 'the' or 'these', not both.

"other were not so forgiving" - It should be 'others' (plural). In the next sentence you make the same mistake.

"dodge the hoards" - It should be 'hordes'.

I'm afraid this has a lot of other little errors like the above and I can't point them out all here. I suggest you proof-read your stories a couple more times yourself.

Also, you should check for vocabulary misuses, like this: "Whatever had killed her was not obvious". This isn't the right use of 'obvious'. Moreover, there are a couple of awkwardly worded phrases too in there. I suggest you read out loud what you write to see if anything pops out as odd. Lastly, you have some grammar and punctuation issues as well.

The above can only be avoided by practising. Write and read more. At this stage, give more emphasis on reading. Trust me, it will do you wonders.

Onwards to story issues.

I have to congratulate you on the idea. I myself have thought of writing a very similar kind of story, so that means I can give you more accurate feedback.

Generally, stories with a twist need to be more 'direct' and this is no exception. By direct, I don't necessarily mean shorter, but more efficient. Although, to get this out of the way, this should have been shorter by about a paragraph. There is a sweet spot you need to hit in this genre.

By efficient I mean that every word must be there for a reason. Sentences should have a very, very precise goal and events should be as straightforward, clear and with a direct effect on the story as you can get them. Essentially, no filler events, and no lollygagging. Get straight to the point.

In this story, the detail about the glassy eyes shouldn't have gotten that much attention (you have two references to it, more than enough for the story). It didn't contribute to the ending, and it actually confused me for a moment.

By that I mean, in stories like this, the ending needs to be hard-hitting. You read it and BAM! You know exactly what happened. Here I needed a moment to think about it, and it was all because of the glassy-eyes detail. Originally I thought this was a zombie-like story, and the glassy eyes meant the victim was turning into one. So when I read the ending, I thought this was an alternate reality thing. But then I was having second thoughts.

And that's the problem. I shouldn't have had these second thoughts. It should have been crystal clear what the story was about. And all that was ruined by a tiny detail.

What I'm trying to say is, writing this kind of stories is a very tricky craft. You need to meticulously comb over every little detail and word to make this work.

Anyway, this is a very nice try, but you need to proof-read it more and fix those little mistakes. You are on the right track and you certainly have talent and potential. You only need hard work and patience.

To conclude, if you fix the technical issues and the little details, this will be ready to post on the wiki.

Well done and happy writing!