Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26407997-20151204173055/@comment-26399604-20151209144539

Hi Electrolord,

I want to first note that I saw a lot of repeating errors with punctuation spacing (need one space after period) or quotation spacing (need one space after the quotation marks). I recommend pasting your work into MS Word for Spell Check or any other related programs. That will solve those tedious mistakes fairly quickly.

On to the story's content now!

I think Oaura hit on a number of valid points when it came to the story.

In the beginning, you touched on a brief backstory on the connection with the protagonist and his best friend. Additionally, you mentioned briefly how on the protagonist did not want to disappoint his mother of his past and current actions. As Oaura mentioned, we as the reader need to be able to sympathize with the main character.

In the story, you presented a few areas where you can establish this connection. In the beginning you showed the bond with the main character's friend. I think should be a reoccurring theme since you spent a good portion of the intro focusing on it. Throughout the story, his bond with his friend could be tested (maybe even start to waver) with each new elevated act of crime. Internal and external conflicts are constant battles people face in real life, especially when it comes to friends. More emphasis on this element throughout the story would great.

I think a few more encounters or even flashbacks with his parents will help us comprehend his need to not disappoint them. This can be done a number of ways -- illness they had that could be provoked, standards they wanted him to fulfill while growing up, a promise he made to them, etc. If you establish that motivation, it will provide proper justification in the story.

Another way to help us sympathize with the character is to show us moments where he has second-thoughts. Maybe a past mugging, he felt sorry for his victim and elected not to act or maybe he was going to stop, but peer-pressure from his friend prevented such. You can even have a moment with the police towards the end, but that should be more of a point where it's too late by then. My point is, give us a reason to care about this character. A great way, but not the only way, is to have an internal struggle (more than one) with the situations he forced into.

In regards to his trial, I think that this should be the true suspenseful moment. With all the decisions he made, some good or bad. I think this would be a great moment to capitalize on that. You could have the verdict of his trial end on a cliffhanger, on whether enough of his good deeds counter-balance his bad or not at all. You can give that power to the reader to wonder. If you can properly have the reader sympathize with your character, then this would be an interesting touch. This is just opinion though, you don't have to use this, but this should be some of type of things you want to think about.

Overall, you have some nice elements in the story that need either more emphasis or need to be present altogether. The story does have its enjoyable moments and a few I wish you went more in-depth with. I hope you can take something away from this review and I look forward to reading this in the future.

Happy writing!! :)