Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30692969-20161208122608/@comment-28266772-20161208154414

“Jason, you know I don’t like you.”

“Kerry, it doesn’t matter. I love you and that’s how it’s gonna be,” I told her, [comma splice] a sadistic smile painted on my face. I reached in the back seat and pulled out a long knife. “Now am I going to have to use this?”

She cowered in the passenger seat and reached for the door handle, hoping I wouldn’t notice. I chuckled at her stupidity and drove the blade through her wrist. She screamed, the knife going right through into the leather of the door.

“What the hell, Jason?” she screamed, a mix of fear and anger filling her voice. '[such a violent action with this response feels… inappropriate. Her reaction is similar to my girlfriend when I don’t screw the cap on the toothpaste but here, the action she is faced with is a life-threatening one. She is, without a doubt, facing a very real fatal threat to her existence. I think her reaction should show that.]' I laughed, pulling the knife out. Her arm fell to her side, blood covering her pink tank top. I looked out the windshield, [comma splice] the long dock before us being drowned [being drowned; superfluous wording] in the darkness of night. I took the car out of park and put my foot on the brake, preparing for the final moment.

“Say it.”

“Say what?” she begged, tears filling her eyes. Her sobs became increasingly violent as she started to curse at me.

“Say you love me or we both die tonight.”

She glared at me and flipped me off. I sighed and returned the stare.

“I see,” I let out as I stomped on the brake. Before I knew it, it was pitch black in the car. I grabbed a flashlight from the glove compartment and flicked it on. I looked around, the sound of the windows cracking growing louder and louder. '[Interesting grammar ambiguity; you can either write “the window’s cracks growing louder and louder” because you are describing the cracks belonging to a single window. Or “The windows cracking grew louder and louder” because your describing the loud cracking of multiple windows. Or “The windows’ cracks grew louder and louder” because your describing the cracks belonging to multiple windows.]'

Kerry was covered in blood, [comma splice depending on what you do with the next clause] the fall smashing [tense change; smashed/had smashed] her head into the dash. She was silent, but her chest was moving. I buckled my seatbelt and fastened hers, making sure it was tight enough to hold her in.

I looked at the windshield as we hit the bottom of the ocean, the beach to our backs. I took the flashlight and flipped it in my hand, contemplating my next move. Finally, I decided what I’d do.

I threw it into the window, the glass shattering [tense change] and allowing water to fill the car.

I glanced at Kerry. She’d regained consciousness.

I laid back and closed my eyes.

The only thing left was the spirit of the sea. [these multiple single spaced lines feel a bit odd.]

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Mechanical issues – I’ve pointed them out. For the most part what was present didn’t kill the story it’s just something you should look to fix.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – it’s blunt and to the point but it works. For what it’s worth I think you missed some opportunities by failing to describe the underwater scene and the tense claustrophobia being trapped in the car would bring. I actually think this would be more interesting from Kerry’s perspective. But nonetheless the story works as is.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – None as far as I could see. This is a pretty interesting story. You can either patch up the mechanical issues and leave it alone, or try to make the most of what I mentioned above by going for a more ambitious story.