Tendencies

I contemplated my different methods.

Honestly, what led to this moment was losing my whole fucking life. I did lose my reputation, I did lose my family, I did lose everything I had. I lost all love in my life. All because of people I thought were my fucking friends. My 'friends' who I trusted...who betrayed me. They weren't trying to help me, no-one was. I thought this as I contemplated my methods. I had been having problems, and I always felt like asking all those assholes who came after me for doing it. I always felt like asking them why the hell did they give a shit? Why the hell wouldn't they let me do it? These people who were all okay with body modifications and tattoos, which those hurt your body. So is what I did not acceptable?

It doesn't matter. I didn't care whether I was accepted now, It was obvious I never was, and what I did would never be forgiven or forgotten. I traced the floor to the wall, flashing my eyes around my bedroom. 13 minutes to 4PM. My parents were both out of the house. I had time to do whatever I needed. I'm past the point of deciding not to.

So I contemplated my different methods.

When I finally picked one, I recounted my long months in asylum. I was always asked the same questions over and over by people telling me there had to be some motivation or diagnosis. There wasn't. They had either never seen my case before, or were as idiotic as anyone who ever came after me. Honestly, it was everyone's idiotic excuse for bad behavior. "Nobody understands me. I'm different." But I'm not trying to justify being an ass. I'm not even trying to justify anything. This is just a note to leave behind.

I've contemplated and picked.

I put trust in people, and for idiotic reasons told everyone they knew. I always put trust in the wrong people. I'm an idiot for that. It's gotten to the point where I can't deal with that. I can't deal with the pile-ups. Trusted, loved them, and they did this to me. My close friends. It was NOT to help me. It was so SHE and HE could be together with my credibility and reputation destroyed.

Tell mom and dad I love them very much. Mom put up with my shit and so did Dad. They remaiend steadfast until now.

Tell my family I love them all very much and will miss them. Tell those who were still friends of mine that I will certainly miss them. I won't justify any of my shit to them, or anyone else.

I write this as I prepare my blade, cleaning it with a wipe. I ask God...

If you were ever there, if you are there, if you ever saw me, I don't want heaven or hell. I don't want to go either way, I just want to die."

I write this as I slice into the flesh, cutting up from the wrist, slowly making my way to the elbow. My eyes dart around the room for a final time before the pain comes. The blood sprays out, my hands are sticky. Sticky with my own fucking blood.

I write this as a message left behind, I will miss you all greatly and love you all so much. I hope to fall asleep during this and bleed out in my sleep.