Talk:Computer Vision Syndrome/@comment-25941663-20170311162510

"delivered my lo mein in" - What is 'my lo mein in'? Is it a mistake?

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Very nice work. Pacing was great and the language used fit this perfectly. This read more like the traditional creepypastas that dealt with internet things and you pulled this off superbly. Build-up was good and the stuff about the chat was a very interesting touch. At first I wasn't sure that I liked it, but you wove it into a chilling part of the story. Especially with the line about how the original creators of the chat no longer were around, but their ideas were passed down.

I wasn't really fond of the ending though. When the narrator saw the creatures, it was a bit of a 'meh' moment. In my opinion, you could have played a bit more on the paranoia thing, dragging it on more to really set the mood.

The "maybe I’ll pay you a visit" line though was fantastic and for me, saved the ending.

Apart from that little bleep at the end, this was a nice tale. Well done!