Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150327185553/@comment-25941663-20150328095928

I liked the first one more, to be honest. With this, you overcomplicated the plot. You did explain what happened to the mother, but you introduced a writing dog (?) that was somehow watching the family all along? Also, how did the father and child die? Was Bon Bon watching them from afar, ready to snipe them when they read the letter?

The first draft you wrote had a sense of eeriness to it. In my opinion, you should go back and just give a tiny bit more info on the ending. I mean, short stories like this should end (in most cases) with some sort of a twist ending. In your previous draft, you simply say 'Bon Bon' and that's it. If you explain (or hint) what Bon Bon means, it will be very good. Maybe you Bon Bon has something to do with Mommy? I'm sure you can come up with something.

Also, now that I think of it, you should change the words 'allowance' and 'entitled' to something simpler. A child wouldn't normally know these words.