Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3541151-20141214233404/@comment-24281984-20141215010924

Okay, first, what’s up with the formatting? You have too many spaces in between each line for the first part of the story, you only need one every time. Make sure to hit “Preview” before posting your work in the forums to make sure it’ll come out the way you want it to look.

“Reader Discretion is Advised” should be “Readers’ discretion is advised.”

I honestly don’t think anyone would bother to answer a question as small and menial as a closet opening, and it seems like a pretty odd choice to start a story with. Has the MC already tried whatever they can do to keep it closed? What about putting a chair or box or something in front of it? I guess it’s kind of interesting, but it seems like such a small thing.

Okay, I don’t think anyone above the age of about ten years old would believe the part about the intruder. That answer is so nonsensical I’m not sure it’s worth putting in and I hope the MC doesn’t take it seriously.

I have to say, this all is pretty convincing so far up to the point of everyone thinking Bulbasaur is lying. It does feel like something you’d read on the Internet, and I’m wondering where it leads.

Okay, the good writing seems to kind of fall apart once we get to the “First Update by Barbara” section. I don’t really think people online normally write down phrases like “dangerous territory” and “surreal encounter”. You should rewrite these a bit and I suggest shortening them; people tend to keep posts as short as possible on online forums.

Did you even specify what that knocking noise was? I reread the paragraph at least a few times to try to find out what it was. This ending feels somewhat rushed, really doesn’t make much sense, and kind of killed the suspense that was building up earlier.

So although the beginning and middle of this story were pretty okay apart from a few small errors like spacing and odd word choice in places, the ending needs the most work. Once those are fixed it should be good to post on the main site, but you should probably correct the spelling and grammar issues in the posts, or just leave an Author’s Note saying they are intentional and don’t need to be fixed.