Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30208660-20161012173648/@comment-24101790-20161012200742

PokeNerf wrote: EmpyrealInvective, I have attempted to remove anything that killed any tension, and I've tried to continue the story on a bit. Please tell be what you think: http://pastebin.com/svc5BvN5

I'm sorry that I'm about to be harsh here, but this isn't really interesting. Besides the new issues added with the revisions ("However, there was one experience that I can recall, one that was out of the ordinary, abnormal or (and) even scary.", "It was much mre of a fair fight in real life.", etc.), this still feels like the generic 'protagonist runs into something spooky in an online game from a user with a spooky name' story with the added negativity that the story just focuses on an antagonist who's hacked the game.

How exactly is this scary in anyway? There's no tension as there is nothing really effectively scary here. I wouldn't become scared at someone glitching out a Halo map to jump to a high area and camp and I wouldn't panic at someone using textures in a shooter to shot through walls. I would be frustrated at best. Add on the antagonist's lack of endgame here and you have a flawed premise. They apparently lost in real life so they glitch-cheated an online game.

I'm sorry, but I don't think I can give much more help with the story in its current form as there's no real sense of impending danger, tension, or even development here. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors.