Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24957984-20140623145607/@comment-24918243-20140701051052

A few things I noticed that really break the believabilty of the story:

You should use some term to differentiate WW I from just a regular war. That was a war that really messed with the psyche of everyone and was unlike any war they had seen up until that point. When talking, they would refer to it as "The Great War", "War to End All Wars", etc. You should use one of these terms at least once not only for characterization, but also the help your readers who may not be as informed about the battlefronts of that war (Like the Somme) that you are talking about WW I.

Her husbands entrance seems a bit too casual.

The dialog, as Callie pointed out, feels a bit cheesy. I don't think even back then people talked like that. Try to make the dialog sound a bit more natural.

A daisy is really small. If you put it in a vase it will disappear. Maybe put it on a glass or something.

The protagonist is playing chess by herself?? That sounds highly unlikely. Chess is not a game that lends itself to solitaire mode. If she was playing any game by herself it would probably be some form of Solitaire card game, like Klondike or something. If you still want her to be playing chess, then she could be playing chess by correspondence, which is how people played games with people far away back then.

" an employee from the British Empire" now that is a bit too vague. What exactly is his job? Be a bit more specific. It would be the same as saying "an employee of the US government." it's just too broad.

She hands someone 20 ponds for fixing a doorknob. That was A LOT of money back then. For that kind of money she could have a door custom made, installed and still have plenty of change left.

“Look, you’ll have fun in the garden! You’re to meet people like you!” The daisy is a plant. Maybe she should say "You will meet other flowers" or maybe "other plants." Also, plants don't use up oxygen, they produce it much the way we take in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.

In the letter her husband is afraid he might not live to finish the letter, yet he promises her that he will outlive the war. That is a real big contradiction.

Also, "battlefield" is the incorrect term. The correct term is "front".

Most Brits I met are not really into coffee. That is more of an American thing. Most Brits are into tea. Americans developed a taste for coffee in part because Tea was a commodity from the British Empire and Coffee was produced in the Americas.

"I start to breathe constantly." I should hope so. If you aren't constantly breathing you die. Maybe she starts to breathe heavily?

Also, her servants refer to her as "Miss" first, she is married, miss if for a woman who is unmarried. They would also use her last name, as they know and work for her. So it would either be Mrs. Soandso or Ms.Soandso or even Lady Soandso depending if they are from an aristocratic family or not.

I hope these suggestions help.