Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10950063-20140714192528/@comment-25558572-20140714205558

I have to say that you didn't really catch my interest until Carl showed up at David's house. Was the first bit about the telephone calls necessary to the story? If not, that's a good bit I feel you could cut out, if not almost everything before Carl shows up. Long pastas can be good reads (such as CrashingCymbal's The Well in the Forest) but not if they contain too much detail that doesn't advance or enhance the story.

The central idea is fairly interesting. The factory really makes me wonder exactly what's going to happen- is Mindy alive? What's she doing at the factory (assuming she's even there) and can david get her out alive? I've a lot of questions now that probably won't be answered until this is complete, but they're good questions- I want to know more and I have a good understanding of what is going on.

The dialogue with Carl felt a little unnatural. If he was talking that way because he was nervous or scared, you might want to put in some details to show that, like how his voice sounded when he spoke or his hands suddenly tightening on the steering wheel. But as for the rest of the story, there's a much better amount of showing than telling; David's life at home was easy to picture and helped to engage me a bit more.

Overall, I really want to see this finished. You're right, it is a little on the longer side, but it's moving at a good pace and will hold the reader's interest once they get in far enough. I'm very interested to see what happens to David and Mindy, especially given the interesting title. (I sure hope this was helpful. :)