Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26891332-20150819204902/@comment-26908800-20150821011709

Nailed the hook in one, I would say all you need is a little more fleshing out. Describe Lauren a little for us, try to make us empathetic for the narrator and the victim. And double check some of the punctuation. But very good edit, flowed smoothly, just needs a little extra.

ex. "Then I came across another picture of us, her golden hair shining in the sunlight there at the beach. I was grinning like kid with an icecream cone in the picture. I remembered how happy we were on that day, there in the sun, not a damn care in the world. She bought me a rare...." and so on.