Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20180714064900/@comment-5733573-20180716064957

Just read your second draft. I still really enjoy Carl's character, and the moaning and darkness are still really creepy. Nice work there.

Unfortunately, the ending still just doesn't work. In fact, the first ending worked a lot better. Maybe if you could find a way to make ending #1 feel more organic? I was just very confused by ending #2 in almost every aspect. I really want this story to succeed, and in this case, I think you may have to kill some of your darlings.

Secondly, the redundancy and grammar stuff I talked about is still there. Specifically, the following sentence:

"The decision to forego heading back to retrieve it was made when he stumbled over a raised bit of sidewalk."

Where this sentence is placed, it sounds like he was thinking of going back to retrieve the whole house. Therefore, you need to be clear about the fact that "it" is the flashlight. Here's another sentence:

"He found himself out after dark with next to no light to see by, and there he was whispering like a frightened little boy afraid of the dark."

It's really awkward to have the same word ("dark" in this case) appear twice in the same sentence.

Finally, there are some run-ons and punctuation mistakes that need seeing to.

I hope this was helpful!