Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20150427003628/@comment-25980905-20150507121229

Alright, before I begin this review, I want to tell you that I usually don't review long CreepyPastas. However, this one has been here for a while now and I don't want you to be discouraged by not receiving a review, as this story (like most stories) has potential. Please don't feel offended by this review, but it is what it is and I can't help that. I mean absolutely nothing personal by it. Also, my answers may seem a bit vague when saying you've made multiple mistakes/done multiple things right, this story is just too large to name every single one. For this, I am sorry.

Let's begin shall we?

NEGATIVES

In the beginning of any CreepyPasta, and especially in a lengthy one like your own, you really need to hook the reader in the first sentence and keep them interested. Unfortunately, this story did not do this for me. In fact, I had to get my music running to get through this story (I know this sounds like a bad review for now, but it will get better). Your use of language was sub-par and I feel like you could have described your characters and settings with less words and still obtain the desired result. Remember that describing things in a different way can also add to whether or not your story has more appeal/interest to reader.

"... something was shot at Daniel's neck that sent him to sleep." This sentence is awkwardly phrased and I'm afraid it's not the only one in this story. I would advise correcting sentences like these because, for me, they will stop me from reading a published story straight up. Actually, the use of 'that' as a way to progress action or events is generally not something you should do, especially when trying to keep readers interested.

I appreciated the use of poetic devices such as simile and metaphor within your CreepyPasta, but some of your analogies were a tad over pretentious.

Your grammar was also alright, but I saw many mistakes throughout the text itself (which also contributes to why a portion of your sentences are really hard to read/are awkward). You also have a habit of doing this: "Well....it's almost time." When it should really be written as this: "Well... It's almost time." Or even (if all you were seeking was the pause) "Well. It's almost time."

There are places you can actually go online for free that will check your grammar for you, I would advise it.

For my final negative point, your story wasn't all that creepy. I can appreciate the horro aspects of it, as well as the intrigue you're trying to build. But overall, I don't feel much from this piece.

POSITIVES

The storyline wasn't all that bad. You have a really nice concept. Its uniqueness can be called into question but it steals away from most clichès and that is generally hard to do.

Your characterisation was pretty good. But the characters do feel, for some reason I can't actually find, unrealistic.

SUGGESTIONS

-The length doesn't justify the content, and it has to; I'm afraid. It may be wise to subtract some of it and ultimately shorten this story down a little bit. Some of the storyline you've added doesn't specifically add to the plot anyway.

-Get a friend to read over it, but make sure they're thorough in their response and know what they're doing. Friends will make allowances, but your readers won't. (Also, other people will be able to pick up on your mistakes more than you will be able to. It's the same for everyone.)

-Also make sure you're using a website that will check your grammar. This can make a huge difference.

-I'd also advise using a thesaurus to find words that have the same meaning as some of the words you're using, but a bit less plain.

Aside from all that, please keep writing and don't feel discouraged. There is never a bad story, just poor execution.