Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29639800-20160816185757

Apparently, a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder is imagining horrible scenarios of things that could happen in the future or could have happened in the past. In my experience, the scenarios in my mind don’t make me feel any fear. They don’t make me feel any emotion at all. They’re just there. In my mind. For me, they’re usually about my ex­boyfriend, Alex. He abused me when we were together and bullied me after we broke up. The scenarios are sometimes about him stalking me, other times about him kidnapping and torturing me, other times about him cornering me in the school bathroom and sexually assaulting me......you get the point. Of course, none of these would ever actually happen. Alex hates me. He wants nothing to do with me. I guess some of the scenarios in my head are sort of fantasies of me getting his attention. That’s another symptom of BPD: obsessive emotional attachment. And, as is made obvious by what I just said, I am somewhat of a masochist. It worked pretty well with him, considering his aggressive behavior. It got to a point, though, where other people said it was emotionally unhealthy and told me I was being abused. To be honest, I don’t care if he was abusing me. I still am completely in love with him. I just want his attention. Sometimes the fantasies turn into things I could do to him. Sometimes it’s about revenge, but most of the time it involves me taking him all to myself. After all, I never liked losing what was mine. I was a child who didn’t like losing my toys, and once I lost one, nothing could replace it. I think you get my point here. I still think about things I never got from him. He wanted to have sex with me at one point, you know. Of course, at the last minute he decided against it. I’ve read a million times that it’s “rapist behavior” to feel entitled to someone else’s body, but I just can’t help it. When someone promises me something, I don’t let them go back on their word. I think about sex with him. I admit it. I think about it obsessively sometimes. I spent so long waiting for something I never got, despite the fact that it was promised to me. Even now, as I watch him through the window, I know I still want him. Sometimes, you just have to make people do what you want.

As for the title? My BPD has nothing to do with my obsession with Alex. I just really, really love him 