Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24744467-20170910185807/@comment-24101790-20170920184509

I enjoyed the story and really didn't find any noticeable mechanical errors which is always nice. I only really noted some slight wording that might need revision.

"I was probably going to get cockroaches just from stepping through the front door." To "get cockroaches" sounds a bit unnatural as typically someone 'gets a parasitic creature' (I got fleas from playing with the hounds, I got ticks going on a hike in the woods, I got Giardia drinking from a stream, etc.). A line like swarmed with cockroaches might work better if you're looking to re-inforce the run-down state of the room and still want to draw a connection to roaches.

"... I could muster and made a run for the doorway leading to the bedroom. Clutched at my wounds." 'Clutched at my wounds' feels a bit incomplete on its own and almost seems like it should be part of the preceding sentence with 'clutching my wounds'. ("... made a run for the doorway leading to the bedroom. clutching my wounds."

The single sentence paragraphs towards the end does have add emphasis ("The two women ran into each other.", "It was dark.", "The woman from the dinner party had no chance.") to the story and allow the reader to add to the scene subconsciously. Unfortunately, its usage earlier kind of weakened that effect at the end. ("Blew me a kiss." and "Smiled again." particularly.)

The story was enjoyable and painted a good scene. The issues I mention are on the smaller side, but they are things I noticed while reading through the story. It's your choice if you want to make any real revisions as there's probably an argument you could make stylistically for some of them. Have a good one.