Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26480544-20150609180417/@comment-26007602-20150612064737

Alright, first off, use "quotation marks" for dialogue; this will make it much easier to read. There are a fair number of misspelled words, "atleast", "giberrish", "smilled" "all-nihgter", to name a few. Look at this through Word or another word processor to find them.

As for the story, there's not much that happens here. Psych ward assistant finds weird lady, is attacked, but is fine in the end. Nothing too creepy happens. There's not much build up to this event (The paper and pen thing doesn't work because the reader will not be able to connect it to the lady in the cell, so it doesn't foreshadow anything). I get that the "cave lady" is supposed to be creepy, but she doesn't have any purpose or motive behind her mad scribbling or attacking the protagonist. There needs to be a reason or some allusion to it, because the current version doesn't elicit any unease from the reader because all they see is a "typical" (as far as horror stories go) crazy lady.

Some things don't make sense either. This is the psych ward in the hospital and they don't restrain this patient who's hurting herself? I don't buy it. They'd strap her to a bed or keep her constantly supplied with materials to keep her occupied so she doesn't hurt herself. "Budget cuts" is a lame reason to explain around this. The fact that she breaks the window is ridiculous; that window (If it existed) would not be that easily breakable. Her "blood red eyes" are also senseless and clichéd. Remove that part.

"You get the whole horror movie vibe and serial killer stuff. Despite all this, it was one of the most peacefull wards. No one had ever died or killed anyone. Not that it was known." Okay, this may be a shock to you, but psych wards aren't that dangerous. People aren't usually killed or even hurt in them; this whole "fearing the mentally ill" thing doesn't make sense, as these people are a larger danger to themselves than others. Our narrator should not be concerned with the "horror movie lighting". That reference itself should also be removed; you shouldn't mention horror movies in a horror story, as it really breaks the immersion of the story.

I'd expand on the ending and character, as they both do have potential, but are currently lacking.