Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29791712-20160208065353/@comment-29791712-20160213203348

DarthWeezer1994 wrote: Okay. I'm going to get right to it: it was way to long. A lot of the goofing around scenes could be cut out. Not all, but most. I enjoyed the story to a degree; this was a creepy premise, with four friends planning to kill a member of their circle on the pretense of shooting a film. I also liked how you used present-tense rather that past-tense to tell the story. It made it feel like I was witnessing the incident firsthand. But I would have enjoyed the story a lot more had you cut a few paragraphs of goofing around. I noticed a few spelling and punctuation errors. I may not have caught them all, I may ened up reviewing it again. But here is what I noticed:

He also sits on the floor with his phone on his hands: On should be in.

"Okay, but why I don't get is why Danny needs to wear a freaking wig": The first "why" should be "what".

The dudes obsess with every type of entertainment known to man" obsess should be obsessed. Also, the "s" in "dudes" should be an apostrophe.

Michael's jaw locks with a brusque and disgruntle look: disgruntle shoud be disgruntled.

and he proceeds to hang Danny the blond and messy whig: hang should be hand, blond is spelled blonde, and the latter part of that sentence should be worded "the messy blonde whig"

At first I assume Kelvin wishes for me to act in a distress and claustrophobic matter, so I begin to swing my shoulders and legs around like some insane person trapped inside an asylum.: distress should be distressed

This time I go for the offense, and crash my skull against Danny’s crouch.:crouch should be crotch

In conclusion, I believe this story has a lot of potential, but is not quite ready for the main site. Cut some of the goofing around scenes (some, not all, as they help set up the story), fix the spelling and puntuation mistakes I pointed out, and I think this story will be ready. Also, for good measure, I would suggest a getting a second opinion from other authors (I would suggest Rinskuro13 or Mr. Dupin) for better feedback. I hope this helped.

Good luck,

Angelo Thank you for the review. I usually don't intend to make my stories as long as they are, but at the end they just come out that way. I'll follow your advice and cut out some of the silly moments, and thank you for pointing out all of the grammatical mistakes.