Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25382945-20150927175056/@comment-26399604-20150930034008

Hi STMSYFL,

I wanted to touch up on some of the grammtical errors I noticed. Any errors will be corrected and contained within "[ ]":

+The room began to shake but nobody else could see it or rather feel it [,] of course this had been a short experience.

+I was at my school, in the science class but it was ["obscure."] Upon discovery of this new world I felt unnerved.

+I walked down the hallway to my homeroom and noticed [that most] of the desks were knocked over just like the science class.

+ I could run twice as fast as normal and even without tiring[.]

+While running up the stairs [horrible] thoughts filled my mind because of what had just happened.

+"Is this where you want to [be?"]

+I exited the room and dashed up [three] flights of stairs to the top of the school.

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Okay to review your story!

First, when you gave the intial mention of the obscure world, I would try to expand on the description of it more. You explained that it was "obscure" and provided a few details of the classroom upon intially entering the world. I think a little more description would better encapsulate the reader in the extact state of distortion the world happens to be. Maybe describe how the air feels or what visuals render the distortion like maybe the air is wavy like gas fumes or something of that nature. You started to talk about the tree color and grass but it more in the towards the end.

Second, I undestand the mutilated white hand is supposed to be the shocker at the end, but when you first brought it up, you somewhat breezed through the encounter. Then you expected the reader to care it held importance at the end. I think you should provide what the character feels upon seeing this horror. This is not a normal sight or occurence so he should feel a certain way whether its sick or frightened or both. It was more of "oh look a mutilated hand and blood, moving on." This should be another added layer of shock or fear on top of already being in this weird world. Somewhere after, you mentioned horrible thoughts entered the character's mind, eloborate on this. You're telling how he feels rather than showing it which doesn't provide the eeriness needed.

Thirdly, this kind of feeds off my last point. When he comes across his "alternate" family, this should be another moment where his feelings need to be brought up. There should be a time where fear is instilled within him once again, especially if all they are doing is staring back at him. You can really go to town generating the fear from this encounter.

Lastly, in the end you added two random characters other than Ami that were never previously mentioned to validate the character's return to reality. Honestly, I think you can remove that from the story. Ami's presence not to mention the appearance and feel of the area around should be more than enough to validate his return.

Overall, I think if you address the pointers I mentioned in the right direction you could have youreself a decent creepy story experience. Please take these as means to help your story and not to bash it negatively. I look forward to reading the finish product and more of your stories in the future.