Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31424920-20180912211450/@comment-9041013-20180915191141

Alright, you've asked for this.

Simply put, it's boring, even for an exposion, I don't care about so many things in this part. They are useless and do not promote any sort of point plot. You wrote this as if you are planning a novel. If that's not the case, all the small talk kind of information is pointless. Their chit-chat is useless.

A lot of silly tropes were incorporated into this;


 * A quiet town has something uncommon happening, the local cops get a backup for no reason other than convinient worry.


 * New commer cop acts like a know it all because he has dealt with some sort of crime a lot, it's a shitty common trope they use in films and usually it is there for comic relief or when there is an actual difference between the expirience levels, ei super young police man and a twenty million year old vet.


 * "If I'm fourty I'm feeling old" - staying in good shape, means you don't show much age. Working in a stressful environment ages you quicker though, so they both look of similar age (given that Nick is in his late twenties or early thirties at least) due to one or the other.


 * "My dad is Mr. [insert last name], I am just [insert first name]" why?


 * Telling a person that scary shit ain't getting easier to deal with no matter how many times you deal with it, DOES NOT make people feel easier about that scary shit.


 * Your friendly Crazy Elderly neighbourhood person?

The Granny knowing Nick's name isn't really weird, he should show a tag or wear one... his name should be open to her. I mean, we're told to reveal our names in the Military here if civilians request them (cause, it's like, you can't do shit with a name...) This is just a random point where she appears to be doing something creepy-ish but simply isn't, it's silly.

Unless this grandma matters later in the story, like a lot... you just wasted a really good possibility to insert something creepy there. If she does and you were trying to make it lowkey hidden... yeah... no... not too subtle.

I don't really care what is going to happen in this story, not even after the grandma went and said "it's a creaaaatuuuureeeee....", It could be her just having alzheimer's in an advanced stage. It's really kind of not going anywhere. It reads more like a bad cop action flick rather than a scary story.

So my suggestion is, after you clean up the mispellings, punctuation and grammatical errors. You either write a whole novel or shorten this thing down and spare the layers of fat that could give anyone a cardiac arrest.

(Note that I am not trying to be insulting here, I just like to use commical language sometimes...)