Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25947144-20150224192729/@comment-25148755-20150226230935

Nice twist at the end. Everything else needs major work. You've got grammar issues throughout and some incorrect vocabulary choices. Also, writing the majority of the story in the second person really doesn't work. The reason you'd want to do this is so the reader can project themself into the events as they are going on. When you then turn around and call the narrator Marcus that totally ruins the effect.