Guide to Things That Go Bump in the Night

As children, we’ve all had our share of strange rituals, traditions, beliefs, and so forth. Some were stemmed from what we were convinced would bring good fortune or ward off bad luck. Others were born from curiosities regarding the mystical and (sometimes) morbid. But, perhaps the most common, were the ones that emerged from our childhood fears. Our over-active imaginations would lead to “what if” scenarios involving alien invasions, giant monsters, ghosts, and all manner of disasters of the fantastical scale.

But, as adults, we no longer need to worry about such irrational fears, right? Well, what if I told you that wasn’t the case? That, perhaps, what we feared as children may not’ve been so irrational after all? What if I told you there are things that go bump in the night? Most are generally harmless, but others are just waiting for the right opportunity to rip you apart, devour your bones, or even do that is unspeakable to the flesh.

Fortunately, I’ve managed to compile this guide on a few of the more notable creepy crawlies out there and how to best deal with them. If you’re lucky, and do as instructed, you may survive for another day. Keep in mind nothing is certain and nothing is guaranteed. Best of luck and sleep well.

1 The Monster Under The Bed:

Perhaps the most well-known and documented of these creatures is commonly referred to as “The Monster Under The Bed”. True to its name, it generally dwells under the bedframes and mattresses. It tends to prefer the beds of children due to children having a more messy lifestyle. TMUTB will gather discarded and dropped items and pull them under the bed to build a nest. An opportunistic scavenger, TMUTB’s diet consists of whatever food scraps it can find when it emerges from its nest at night to feed.

TMUTB can flatten its body due to having an extremely flexible skeletal system. When standing at full height, it is approximately seven feet tall. The creature is dark gray in appearance with six limbs. It lacks visible eyes and relies on smell, touch, and hearing to navigate. Its head and back are covered in what appears to be long hair at first, but are really tendril-like appendages covered in fine black sensory hairs. The TMUTB has three prehensile tails.

Perhaps the most distinctive feature of the TMUTB is its jaws. When threatened, it can open its jaws in several directions (like a flower or an umbrella). The inside of these jaws are lined with hook-shaped bony protrusions. Similar bony protrusions are located in the creature’s throat. These protrusions are thought to tear food into smaller and easier-to-swallow chunks as well as for defense against threats.

Although the TMUTB prefers to avoid people, it will lash out and attack people to defend its territory. This can lead to severe injury and even death. It is best to move quickly and quietly while getting in and out of bed as to not provoke the creature. If necessary, it is also possible to offer your left sock as a means to appease the TMUTB and prevent if from attacking you.

2 The Phantom Unicorn:

Very little is known about this elusive creature. Sightings of it are few and far between, and no one has yet to have gotten a good glimpse of it. What few eyewitness accounts of the Phantom Unicorn there are describe a semi-transparent entity that vaguely resembles a horse-like shadow with a yellow horn and red eyes. All of these accounts also state that the creature was always within their peripheral vision and that it would immediately move out of their line of sight the moment they attempted to get a direct look at it. Likewise, those who attempted to directly look at the Phantom Unicorn later found themselves suffering from severe night terrors and paranoia. These symptoms, however, did wear off after a few days.

Because of this, it is very important to never attempt direct eye contact with a Phantom Unicorn. Likewise, due to its mysterious and unpredictable nature, it is also important to avoid engaging it in any sort of conflict. If, at any moment, you do see a glimpse of the Phantom Unicorn in your peripheral vision, the best course of action is to simply ignore it.

3 The Cat-Lizards:

These beings are primarily found in rural areas. They are social beings resembling bipedal gecko-like creatures with green skin, a yellow underbelly, and yellow spots. Cat-Lizards have large black eyes and pointed cat-like ears on their head. A distinctive feature they have is the anglerfish esque lure on their heads which ends in a bulbous growth capable of emitting light. It is thought this appendage is used for both communication and to lure in insects (their primary food source). Fully standing, a Cat-Lizard is approximately two feet tall.

Close-up sightings of a Cat-Lizard are uncommon. Most encounters with these beings often are from a distance with eyewitnesses describing “strange lights” moving in the distance. Cat-Lizards are nocturnal which explains why most sightings occur at night.

Because they prefer to avoid human contact, Cat-Lizards are generally not a threat. However, should you encounter one, a flashlight is a good deterrent. Their eyes are very sensitive to light. Likewise, making loud noises are also effective at driving them away due to their sensitive hearing. It is strongly discouraged you chase them. Cat-Lizards are intelligent enough to use primitive tools and will band together in small groups to fight back using sharpened sticks and rocks to defend themselves.

4 The Lady In White:

Unlike other entries in this list, the Lady In White is known to be actively malicious towards others. Because of this, extreme caution must be taken when going against her.

Descriptions vary greatly regarding sightings of the LIW. Her age, ethnicity, and so forth differ from one eyewitness account to the next. However, a few aspects of her remain constant. For one thing, she is often described wearing a flowing white gown. This gown is also said to always be in impeccable condition regardless of environmental circumstances around her. Likewise, the gown is said to never tear, rip, or stain no matter how bloody of a struggle she ends up in. The other main feature that remains constant is her voice. She is said to speak in a soft compelling voice. Eyewitnesses have also noted her voice never changes from a calm tone.

The LIW often appears in dreams and without warning. She will often tell the person dreaming to follow her. Often, the dreamer will feel a sudden urge to go after the woman. After this, the LIW will appear more often before the dreamer. Each time, she will be more and more insistent (while maintaining an unusually calm tone of voice) that they follow her. As these dreams become more frequent, the dreamer will experience increased feelings of dread, unease, and paranoia. This will eventually lead to severe night terrors. Victims have also developed acute cases of insomnia as a psychological means to avoid encountering her in their dreams.

Those who are fortunate enough to escape her grasp are said to endure these night terrors and chronic insomnia for the rest of their lives. The unlucky ones, however, are often found dead in their rooms. So far, it is unknown how she kills her victims, though they seem to suffer from acute cardiac arrest beforehand. If she appears before you, your best course of action is to wake up immediately before she gets a chance to tell you to follow her. Otherwise, it may be too late.

5 The Bear Reporter:

The Bear Reporter is another being who tends to appear in people’s dreams. However, he never directly interacts with the dreamer. He is often seen in the background of dreams and rarely do people see him up-close. The Bear Reporter appears to be a male in his 30s or 40s wearing a suit and tie. He is generally sitting behind a desk typical of that for news broadcasts, though he does occasionally show up for “on the scene” reports. However, his most distinctive feature (and the reason for his namesake) is that he appears to have the head of a common black bear. Said head also has deer-like antlers.

Oddly enough, the mouth never appears to move while the Bear Reporter is speaking. Likewise, the eyes appear to be empty black sockets. This has lead some to believe that the head is simply some sort of mask. However, there doesn’t appear to be seams or whatnot indicating it may actually be the Bear Reporter's head.

Since the Bear Reporter never directly interacts with those who dream about him, his motives and nature are unknown. Those that have dreamed about him later experienced vivid hallucinations. These hallucinations generally involved the Bear Reporter suddenly appearing for a brief moment before vanishing almost as quickly. Other incidents involve people claiming that they heard phrases such as “local story” or “live from (insert town here)” in his voice only for it to fade away as they tried to get closer to it.

Currently, there are no known ways to deal with the Bear Reporter.

6 Mr. Bones:

Mr. Bones is a humanoid entity that can sometimes be seen roaming at night. He is approximately six feet tall and appears to be of average human proportions. The most distinguishing feature is what gives him his namesake. You see, Mr. Bones wears a suit of armor made entirely out of the skeletal remains of various organisms. The bones of fish, birds, and even humans among other creatures all make up his unusual outfit. No one knows why he wears this bone armor and no one knows what he fully looks like underneath it. Those few who managed to get a glimpse of whatever is under the armor all described it as some variation of “repulsive”.

His presence is noted by the sounds of his bony armor rattling and scraping against whatever surface they brush against. It does not matter if you lock your doors or your windows as he somehow always finds a way in. Once inside your house, Mr. Bones will proceed to rummage through your garbage, your fridge, and other peculiar areas of the house. This is because he is looking for bones. He needs more bones to make a new suit to replace his old worn-out one.

Of course, this means he may find his way to your bedroom. You have plenty of bones, and they’d be perfect for his new suit. Mr. Bones is a being of good manners, however. Should you see his shadow in your doorway, it is important to ask “Who’s there?”. He will clear his throat, apologize for disturbing your sleep, and will leave to find another house to search for more bones for his new suit.

7 The Laughing Man:

The Laughing Man is yet another being who appears in dreams. He is a being that appears to be a Caucasian male human somewhere in his 30s and is in a perpetual state of laughter. However, his appearance also constantly distorts as if some unseen force is stretching, crushing, and twisting him in ways that should be physically impossible to perform on the human body without causing some sort of severe injury or even death. It is unknown if the Laughing Man is even aware of these distortions to his body or even what could possibly be causing them. While no known long-term effects of encountering the Laughing Man have been documented, people have stated an immediate sense of unease once his presence is known.

So far, the Laughing Man himself does not appear to pose any immediate threat. However, caution must be taken if you do end up dreaming about him. His delirious state of euphoria contrasting with what should be agonizing distortions to his body indicate that something is very wrong. There is the possibility that the Laughing Man is an ordinary person who had somehow found himself in some sort of catatonic state and trapped in a perpetual dream of torment. Something is causing the Laughing Man to experience these anomalies and it may try to cause those distortions and insane laughing fits to happen to you as well. Awakening the Laughing Man, whoever he really is, is also not advised. It is unknown if this would result in any sort of physical or psychological trauma. Plus, it’s unknown whatever is tormenting him would do if its victim were to be taken away from its grasp.

8 Dream Dragons:

Not all things that go bump in the night are malevolent, nor are all of them dangerous. Some, such as the Dream Dragons can be beneficial. Dream Dragons, despite the name, are not creatures that exist within dreams. Rather, they feed on dreams. These small creatures are approximately a foot in length. They are covered in dark cerulean fur, with tufts of purple fur on each side of their head. Dream Dragons have four short limbs with three clawed toes on each foot. Due to their limbs being so short, they cannot travel very fast. Likewise, although they have wings, they cannot fly very fast either. However, they can hover and fly in all directions. These small reptilian creatures have large black eyes which allow them excellent night vision and can see in more colors than humans can. A pair of sensory organs on their head allow them to navigate in areas too dark to see. Likewise, they have large sensitive ears for hearing and they have a keen sense of smell too.

Dream Dragons lack teeth. Instead, they use their long tongues to reach into the ears of sleepers and extract dreams to feed on. Since they prefer the taste of good dreams, they are known to emit a type of pheromone that induces relaxation in the sleeper. Because of this beneficial nature, it is strongly recommended to encourage these creatures to visit you while you sleep. Dream Dragons are social creatures and will gather in small flocks. Shelving, plenty of blankets, and extra pillows (or plush toys, if you prefer) provide for excellent areas for them to roost and avoid predators.

It should be noted that Dream Dragons are not defenseless. Located on the tip of their tail is a barb that secretes venom. If threatened, they may attempt to sting you. Normally, a Dream Dragon’s sting is painful but not serious. However, there are a rare few people who have an allergic reaction to this sting. People who suffer from this sting may experience a form of sleep paralysis. I suggest treating any Dream Dragons who make themselves comfortable in your home with the utmost care and respect.