Talk:The Piper/@comment-10950063-20131120001614

Okay, there's some tense confusion. Most of the time you seem to be writing in past tense, but sometimes it slips into present. You need to pick one.

You might want to break up some sentences. Sometimes they become ridiculously long run-ons.

There seems to be a lot of unnecessary and distracting detail. About 3/4ths of this is completely unrelated to the ending. The stuff with not talking to her friends, all the stuff with the parents and the doctor going missing, the stuff about not sleeping, it all seems completely inconsequential. I was waiting for some of it to tie back in, but it ends with a random monster attack.

You write well and the monster is interesting, but the story is a bit of a jumble.