Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25763427-20150423171145/@comment-25037895-20150424061414

Here's my two-cents:
 * (1)Single spaces between paragraphs is the proper formatting.


 * (2)[washing machines and dishwasher can] Needs to be pluralized: [dishwashers].


 * (3)[or break and flood, and if any water] separate the sentence with a semi-colon, for better flow: [or break and flood; and if any water].


 * (4)[My father was a great man, he didn’t like leaving my grandfather there, but my mother said it was too small in our house to accommodate his presence, and I know that she detested his drinking, and considered him a poor influence on me and my brother.] That sentence is a run-on, edited it would be: [My father was a great man, he didn’t like leaving my grandfather there, but my mother said it was too small in our house to accommodate his presence. And I know that she detested his drinking, and considered him a poor influence on me and my brother.] Although, I would suggest removing the [And].


 * (5)[“Your family’s cursed…”] Being as how they are in the same family, I think you should change this to: [“Our family’s cursed…”].


 * (6)[How at the funeral his father began screaming] It seems like awkward wording to me, maybe revise it to: [He would go on to tell us, how at the funeral his father began screaming]. Or something like that.


 * (7)[How because] I'm not sure about the grammar rules on this one, but it also seems awkward.


 * (8)[crash described seeing “little men] should be: [crash described seeing, “little men].


 * (9)[about on the wing moments before] also needs a comma: [about on the wing, moments before].


 * (10)[Or how his wife, our grandmother] same issue with awkward wording. Its simple to grasp the meaning, it just seems choppy and crude.


 * (11)[picture of out grandmother] misspelling: [picture of our grandmother].


 * (12)[and lovely brown locks, I would have very much] a semi-colon would fit in this sentence nicely: [and lovely brown locks; I would have very much].


 * (13)[Occasionally he would leave in the detail] With the context surrounding this phrase I believe you mean: [Occasionally he would include the detail].


 * (14)[up the inside of the car, about him spotting] That's a very long sentence, maybe start a new sentence, something like this: [up the inside of the car. He told us about him spotting].


 * (15)[And then, once in a blue moon, he would tell us, about his father] I think you should remove a comma: [And then, once in a blue moon, he would tell us about his father].


 * (16)[Said he was a ruthless gunner] simple fix for this one: [He said he was a ruthless gunner].


 * (17):[Always raving about “Gremlins” creatures] two suggestions for this sentence: [He was always raving about “Gremlins.” Creatures]. When reading this sentence, it sounds very awkward without a period.


 * (18)[tiny buggers who could hid in] misspelling: [tiny buggers who could hide in]. Also that sentence, as a whole, is too long. Break it up with a period.


 * (19)[Creature who] edited: [Creatures who].


 * (20)[and called me mad when I approached him after our father’s funeral, telling him that the truck crashing into his house had been no accident,] this is also a run-on sentence. It needs a period after [funeral] and re-wording starting there, too.


 * (21)[killing him, the two] re-worded: [killing him, and the two].

I enjoyed the theme in this one very much. As a whole, the story is clunky in phrasing, and there's run-on sentences just as terrifying as the goblins.