Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24169760-20190103201500/@comment-35711173-20190103211652

English:

The it's in the sentence below should be its.

He approached me and the man's face morphed into my family members' faces. Its last face was filled with scales, and its nostrils looked like a lizard's nostrils, and it's eyes... oh, its eyes... they were green reptilian eyes.

You have the same problem with commas as the last story.

You have three run-on sentences.


 * But I left to get my supper, and when I returned to watch the camera, the man was closer to my house, and he was staring at the camera as if he knew that I was watching him.


 * I cried out in tears as I knew that something terrible must have happened to them, and I sat on my bed in desperation as I thought my life was literal garbage.


 * As the night fell I barged outside my house in utter anger as the man stood there, his back turned to the horizon of the dim lights illuminating the way.

You have several really awkward sentences that slow comprehension.


 * But I left to get my supper, and when I returned to watch the camera, the man was closer to my house, and he was staring at the camera as if he knew that I was watching him.


 * I also noticed that he wore my father's favorite business outfit, which weirded me out.


 * I was relieved and I thought it was over, but I was wrong.


 * When I looked back at him, he changed position and he was standing Backwards.


 * I locked the door as I arrived at my house, and I saw him sitting in front of my door as night fell.


 * I locked the door as I arrived at my house, and I saw him sitting in front of my door as night fell.


 * I didn't leave sight on him for the whole night and I didn't sleep.


 * I tried to contact my family members, but it stated that their phone numbers weren't available- as if they never existed.


 * I cried out in tears as I knew that something terrible must have happened to them, and I sat on my bed in desperation as I thought my life was literal garbage.

You need to learn how to edit.

Story:

It needs work, but I will say I am surprised by the wild snowfall in Florida.