Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26276603-20150404114551/@comment-24101790-20150404120412

The story has a number of issues. First and foremost, only one space is needed between lines. Additionally there needs to be more than just one of two sentences per line.

Punctuation issues: "He gets his favorite toy, the one he used for Lincoln, the neighbors(apostrophe missing) dog, and Justin, his friend." Quotation marks missing from dialogue. "He went to his dad, and then he asked, (")do (Do) you want to play?(") "No, stop that. I don’t want to play. Stop that." But he wanted to play. So he insisted. And he’s been sitting there ever since." You should also space dialogue out so two speakers are never talking on the same line. I would also italicize thoughts or put them in single quotations to prevent them from being confused with the narrative.

Wording issues: "And his Mom’s lungs (are) hanging out her chest, maybe she needs to take a deeper breath once in a while." You also start a number of sentences with conjunctions which really should be avoided as it isn't grammatically correct (Especially when starting a paragraph) and it gives the story a choppy/incomplete feel. (7+ times)

Story issues: From the information given, I assume Jason is a child (given his thought processes and speech patterns), which makes it a bit odd how he could kill his father, mother, neighbors with no problem. While on the topic, he has murdered a number of people, where are the police in all of this? (His family has been dead for two weeks, it seems a bit odd that no one else would notice their absence and stop by to check on them. The story has some pretty large plot holes and really seems to be playing off the generic "killer kid" story.