Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36357228-20180811202950/@comment-25428589-20180812230831

Hi there, I've read your pasta & I have a few comments.

From the introduction to the narrator in the first couple of paragraphs, your writing style makes it very clear what you're aiming for. You clearly show his abrasive demeanour & suggest this is the result of some psychological trauma. However, this is also where a key issue throughout the pasta begins. As others have noted, the narrator's speech is very on the nose, to the point where it becomes a bit cringy to read. As one user mentioned in the comments, it seems like there's "a shit ton of swear words put in there to make the main character seem like some badass". I am by no means against swearing in a pasta, but the way the character talks & addresses the reader is currently having the opposite effect to what you intend - tone it down. Also, the use of technical language feels quite clichéd, saying that someone uses Tor doesn't have the effect it once did, it's no longer some arcane tool that strikes fear into the hearts of normies. Technical details like "Using a fake email generator..." are generally unnecessary here.

I would advise you to think about how to better convey the narrator's attitude & technical expertise - a key practise to follow is show, don't tell. Saying things like "Is it because I was bullied all my life?" and "I have trolled and fucked with so many people that it’s not even funny" isn't a particularly good way of revealing information. When you just tell us "I am x, I went through y", we have no reason to believe you, and it's not particularly engaging. If you more subtly introduce exposition, through the narrator's experiences, the character will be more compelling.

Another issue I experienced while reading through is how suddenly the conflict is resolved. You spend >10 paragraphs building up to the narrator receiving the box, then in a single paragraph, the problem is dealt with (the narrator kills the girl) and the story ends. In fact, this whole resolution happens in a single sentence! This is really unsatisfying, and makes the whole thing feel really rushed. We don't get any insight into the narrator's thought process & reasoning before actually murdering someone. I know he's kinda damaged, but I would expect at least a small expression of dread before taking someone's life. I would advise fleshing out the end of the pasta.

Also, the middle of the pasta could use some work, after the narrator hears back from The Prettiest Things. This would be the perfect time to start building tension in anticipation of the reveal of the girl in the box. Perhaps the narrator could find some new information that makes it seem more likely the site is real? The website could send him updates on the progress of the girl, from normal to doll? The site could disappear? For the narrator to just forget about the experience for 6 months diffuses the tension established in the beginning, rather than keeping us at the edge of our seats.

A final issue, which is a little more existential, is the pasta's notable similarity to a deleted pasta from this website - Lolita Slave Toy. This pasta was deleted for violating our terms of use, and while yours is nowhere near as graphic, the similarities are enough for me to wonder if you drew inspiration from it? It certainly doesn't seem like a totally original premise. The pasta isn't available here but I'm sure you can find it elsewhere, try to diverge from it.

W.r.t the grammar issues, I wouldn't worry about them too much for now. Stories generally aren't deleted for having bad grammar alone, and your pasta has some far deeper issues that need to be addressed. I'll go through the page tomorrow & address some of the grammar issues.

In summary, reconsider the narrator's writing style, reveal information by showing not telling, flesh out the middle/end of the pasta, and consider the similarities with Lolita Slave Toy. The pasta definitely has potential, and it's interesting to hear this kind of story from the perspective of someone receiving a slave, but it needs a lot of work in its current state.