Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25655620-20141205134352/@comment-25809221-20141205151843

First things first, I've recently adopted a reviewing style where I review as I read. Secondly, I'm going to be an asshole. Lets get started.

Revise the first paragraph. The wording is very awkward. Try

"I don't recall when it first started, exactly. Sometime around that age were you're still niave, but you think you know everything about the world. The myth first started circulating after several children where found murdered. The story made the front page, and the crows always seemed to be in the pictures."

Again, some more awkward phrasing. I understand english isn't your first language, but try reading the story out loud to pick up on these flaws.

So far the story seems to be taking the typical cliche "lol i was bullied" route. No one is going to harass a kid to the point of bullying of an urban legend. Jokes, yes. Bullying? Probably not.

You repeat information a lot. You already told us crows are common in the dialogue. Assume we can pick up that information.

Most of the story has the same problems as above. Phrasing and wording problems.

WOAH HO HO. Did not see the crow monster coming. A great idea, but poorly excuted. It's hard to understand what you mean when you describe the monster. This whole area is really just a mess and is confusing.

Hm...I think you should change it so the crows only attack the friend, since he has the feather. I also think you should change the ending. Something like him waking up in the hospital, but there being a black feather resting on his chest then the end.

The it implyed "it was just a halucination" ending just really doesn't do it for me. It's a bit of a let down after all that build up, and ruins what made the story scary.

Overall, it's a good twist on the whole "Crows are an omen for death" thing, and I actually kind of enjoyed it. Work on your phrasing and word choice, and practice dialogue though. You have major issues in all three departments.