Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24956612-20140518204844/@comment-24821182-20140519041610

I really didn't think much of the story.

First of all, please don't reference creepypasta or "creepy archives" in your CP. It kills suspension of disbelief entirely.

Second, don't use ellipses to create atmosphere. It rarely ever works, and there should never be this many in such a short story. Ellipses - like exclamation marks - are best used sparingly.

Third, PLEASE DON'T SPEAK IN ALL CAPS, as it's painful to look at. Try speaking in cursive to add emphasis instead.

Fourth, some of the lines sound ridiculous, ''"I should have told myself to stay away from it, but common sense said otherwise." Wouldn't common sense have been the thing that told him to stay away, if it that ''was unnerving?

Fifth, the ending is very cheap attempt to make the reader immerse themselves into the story. You're projecting your image of the ideal reader onto the actual reader, by telling us we start to feel lightheaded, panic, and decide to stay in the dark. Also, I hope you have this picture you're referring to, because isn't that the thing which - in your world - unnerves the reader to the point you've described?

Sixth, the overall story is highly clichéd and says so little about what's going on. If you want us to feel for the narrator, make him an actual, three-dimensional human being, instead of some anonymous person who we only learn about in the last moments of his life. If you want readers to immerse, make the story longer and add more details.

Seventh, your story looks like it has some formatting issues. Not really related to the story itself, but I just wanted you to know.

I'm kind of curious what writing guides you were looking at, since following their advice made you create this. Anyway, please reread the story and ask yourself if you honestly think it's quality material. If you work harder and change your perspective a little, I'm sure you can write something better.