Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20181204115317/@comment-9041013-20181204232344

DrBobSmith wrote: Bloody Spaghetti,

English: If this were close to the final draft I would report several issues. Nothing horrid. Extra commas, missing commas, etc. You have a LOT of what I would consider run-on sentences that I would split. We've been through that debate with that story about the guy driving the Mini van to the Dead Sea. No point in going through it again.

I advise reading it out loud to yourself several times.

Prose: I'll repeat my generic call for merciless editing.

Your prose is repetitive.

I woke up the next morning in my room, with no broken nose. I dismissed the whole ordeal as a nightmare, that is until I got out of my bed and found the birch branch leaning against it. Just thinking about what I’ve seen that made my stomach knot, so I kept the whole thing to myself. Until now, that is. My old man has Leukemia, apparently, he went into remission and it’s Christmas season again, so maybe I should pray to the beast or maybe it’s too late now the creature is just coming to collect my father’s skin.

I would rewrite the first two sentences as something like

"When I woke the next morning, my nose wasn't broken. All my happy confidence that it was just a nightmare fled when I saw the birch branch covering my blanket.  My stomach knotted up when I remembered what Krampus had said.  Dad has Leukemia.  It went into remission, but now it's Christmas.  Should I be praying to the beast so he doesn't take Dad's skin?"

Shorter, stronger.

I think you could take a third off the story in tightening the language - but wait. I remember saying something like that over the above mentioned minivan story. Never mind. It's your story.

Plot: It's pretty reasonable. The real Christmas spirit isn't at all what we believe it to be. It's a pre-Christian spirit. The old ones don't die, they just change names and wear a cross.

The ending seems wimpy to me. If I thought that if I sacrifice a chicken to Krampus it may well save my Dad, you bet I would be sacrificing that chicken! Not like someday - like immediately I would be gathering birch branches and dancing naked for Freya. He has seen the deity and he has seen evidence of its power. Not to do so would be illogical. Ahh thank you, good doctor. Ill see what I can do with the run-ons. I like your suggested prose, im going to tweak it and use that.

As for the whole point of the story; the father was saved and in return the beast wants his skin. The trick here is its not implied when or how he will take it. The notion of him reigniting an old mans leukemia is uncomfortable and the pratagonist is left wondering whether this is the case or not.

The whole food thing is just a nod to your Christmas tale - he just enjoys the gift of the famiy.