Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25971184-20161226040409/@comment-24101790-20161226042232

There are quite a lot of issues here.

Capitalization: You tend to improperly capitalize words after dialogue. ""Mom, Mom, the shadow has eyes!" He (he) shouted", ""Chase hurry up, come to dinner!",(comma not needed) A (a) female voice was heard from within.", ""Sure... Is it normal to feel like someone is staring at me?" He (he) asked", etc. You also forget to capitalize dialogue properly. "She sighs "sometimes (Sometimes) it's our mind playing tricks on us.""

Punctuation: A lot of punctuation is missing from inside quotations and before them. "A blonde child came out running with watery eyes(period missing) "Mom, Mom, the shadow has eyes!" He shouted", "She sighs(,/.) "sometimes it's our mind playing tricks on us."", ""Sure!(quotation missing) Chase said happily at his mother's question"(quotation not needed)."

Wording: """Chase hurry up, come to dinner!", A (a) female voice was heard from within."" From within what? "There was a silence (no 'a' needed), she this time looked a little confused. (awkwardly worded)", "Serves juice son," (???), etc.

Awkward wording: ""She gave(made?) me a little fearful" He responded", "When Chase finished, low to eat and there was his mom, in the kitchen toasting some bread and stewing some eggs which he liked very much.", "Everything seemed normal, he was already asleep, but he woke up at about three in the dawning, as every child, was afraid to peer out of his blankets, but remembered that he had left the light on, seeing his room, out of the corner of the eye could see a shadow moving at a great speed." This is overly complex and awkwardly wording, etc. I'm sorry, but it English isn't your native language, I would enlist someone's help before posting as there are quite a lot of these.

Run-on sentences: "The two sat at the table and began to eat, once they were finished Chase went up to his room, peered out the window to be able to see those clouds a little menacing that did not allow him to see the stars, he noticed between the darkness the same woman a while ago, that made him afraid, closed his window and his curtains and he left a lamp on, that he had on the side of his bed.", "Everything seemed normal, he was already asleep, but he woke up at about three in the dawning, as every child, was afraid to peer out of his blankets, but remembered that he had left the light on, seeing his room, out of the corner of the eye could see a shadow moving at a great speed.", etc.

Story issues: "Let's go back a little longer to find out why he was so scared." This opening really doesn't work as your introduction is way too vague ("A blonde child came out running with watery eyes "Mom, Mom, the shadow has eyes!" He shouted, quite frightened and about to burst into tears.") It really doesn't hook the audience and since the event of seeing the shadow with eyes happens before and the story is being told by an outside source, it feels really un-necessary.

Story issues cont.: Besides not accepting unfinished pages, this series ends extremely anti-climacticly. There really isn't much reason for the audience to continue as very little really happened in the story and what did happen really felt understated and lacking effectiveness. Currently it isn't effective enough or climactic enough to serve as a standalone story.

There are other issues with the plot here (relatively rushed story, lack of effective description, etc.) but as I've highlighted quite a bit, I think I'll leave you with this. This story needs a lot of revision and re-working if you plan on uploading it here. Currently there isn't a lot to get the audience invested and the numerous mechanical errors really don't help much. I would suggest looking to a story-publishing site that accepts languages in your native tongue for working on the story and trying to translate it later once you have more feedback. Best of luck.