Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24037587-20140911164319/@comment-24841732-20140912001117

The writing itself is not bad. I'm not saying you are a bad writer at all. What I'm saying is that you chose a cliche plot and general idea, which is extremely difficult to fix. This story will never be more than medicore.

Extra advice: Cut out unnecessary details. Anything that doesn't further the plot, remove it. Also, you want to hook in your reader with the lead. Jumping right into action or dialogue does this well. Exposistion can come later.