Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27654944-20160406135014/@comment-24101790-20160406180818

I'd strongly suggest waiting for feedback next time before submitting as there are a lot of story issues here. Lines like this: "I can't take sleeping pills since I never figured out how to swallow a pill." seem extremely out of place. The protagonist is capable of eating, drinking, etc, how is it that they are incapable of swallowing a pill? "I'll just not go to bed for a couple of days and do things that would require lots of energy until I feel sleepy." The protagonist's goal is to go to bed, so the fact that they're resolving to not go to bed seems contradictory. If the sentence was broken up like: they are going to do strenuous activity until they feel exhausted and then later stating that multiple days have passed since then and they're still awake, it would make more sense.

The story feels very rushed and there isn't much build-up to the protagonist's suicide. There isn't any talk of how uncomfortable the insomnia is or give any real downside to their condition. "Ok, a week has passed and I've done things that a person would've needed a good night sleep to be able to do and I'm still not feeling tired at all." This seems more positive than anything. They've been extremely productive, there have been little negative side-effects here (besides boredom brought on by lying in bed), so their decision to commit suicide feels shoehorned into the story. There really isn't much explanation or reason for how they came to the conclusion that suicide was the only answer.

I'm sorry, but this story feels like it was written without having much thought put into the condition or describing their suffering. Read You Are an Insomniac, Chronic Insomnia, and other stories in the dreams/sleep category for examples on how to properly convey this story. As it stands, the story needs a lot of fleshing out and revision, and even then, its similarity to other stories will likely weigh it down due to this being a pretty common trope.