Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20180919163757/@comment-9041013-20180919204059

L0CKED334 wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote: Well, the concept is nice, wouldn't lie. I like the overall idea and it reminds me of a music vido Asking Alexandria did for their song To The Stage. Basically their whole premise over a few songs was how drugs and alcohol can fuck you up, with them being high on that stuff due to their successful band status.

Anywho, my suggestion are such; first and foremost, remove the references to the readers, they are pointless and kind of throw us off, but only kind of, since the tone of the story is obviously that of a "mean" All-Knowning narrator. (By mean I mean it's kind of clear that he isn't very sympathetic towards his characters). So yeah, it's pointless to address us... crop it.

As for the build, Chester being this awkward is a little too much. Keep the fact that he is a weird, desperate man-child who cannot land a date but remove the complete loss of self when the monster girl shows up. I suggest you mention her just visually flirting with him for a while before dipping something in his drink.

From there on start making it like he is so high that he his perception of reality gets somewhat distorted. Don't tell the readers though that it was in his head and then the ending comes out smoother as well.

Also, give Chester a tad more confidence in himself, he's drunk... he shouldn't be completely out of the game.

That be all for now. Ok, I eliminated the narrator comment at the beginning. You are right, it sounded good in my head but it adds nothing to the story.

Second, Chester is awkward...no matter how much alcohol he intakes. I was trying to keep him the same throughout the story. Maybe I should elaborate on his awkwardness at the beginning to have this make more sense.

Third, I wanted the reader to wonder if he actually saw a monster or if it was alcohol induced. I added a small element to try to support that but if it needs more I can take this whole idea back to the drawing board. Well, Chester is cartoonishly awkward... it's a tad much. and if you want it to be unclear, i suggest dropping something in his drink ;) Or mentioning a switch of snifters.

Something alone those lines.