Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26990009-20170922081343

this is a revised version of my creepypasta. It has possibly gotten rid of most if not all small and noticeable mistakes, now i need to know the apparent small things and most of all I need to know the major problems.

Here ya go:

Part 1

Daniel and his best friend Arty were preparing to go over for a overnight hangout at his friends house. This friend's name is Eli. He was pretty excited when they were talking over the phone. "So Daniel, you ready for our awesome sleepover?!" Eli exclaimed. Daniel laughed. "You bet!" Daniel said, pretty excited. Eli had a giggle in his voice. "So, what'll we do? We could go explore the forest outside my house if you want?" Eli asked. Daniel raised an eyebrow, unsure. He finally answered after a few moments. "Um.. yea, sure! I wouldn't mind too much." Daniel said. Eli was silently grinning happily. "Okay, I'll see you guys later, bye!" Eli yelled as the phone clicked to dead silence. As Daniel was about to exit the room, he heard a car pull up.

Arty was outside, checking his items within his duffel bag. Daniel slid out of the house, slipping on a backpack he had ready. "Hey Arty! You prepared for the sleepover?" Daniel asked. Arty nodded vigorously. "You bet! I'm ready to go right now!" Arty exclaimed. Arty was pretty calm and collected for the most part but today he seemed much more energetic.

Daniel was happy and giggled. "Alright, Art. Let's get moving", Daniel said, Daniel slipped into the passenger seat of Arty's little Nissan. Then they headed for Eli's house. After a drive and loud screaming to Arty's playlist, they eventually reached the house, it was fairly big sporting large windows with a wide open foundation and a giant tree to the right. They got out and headed for the door.

Daniel rang the door, Eli's mom answered with a smile. "Hi boys, Eli's upstairs playing his keyboard, come on in!" Eli's mom exclaimed, Daniel and Arty entered and headed up the stairway to Eli's room. They knocked lightly. A "Come in" was heard. Arty opened the door. Eli was sat on his bed, legs crossed and keyboard to the side. "Hey guys, I've been expecting you." Eli said with a laugh. He stood up and walked to face his two best friends. "You guys ready for an excellent time?" he asked. Eli stood chipper as a piece of wood. Arty nodded. "Yea we are!" he and Daniel exclaimed. Eli giggled and walked to the window, they trailed Eli as he looked out the window and pointed to a forest entrance, dark and gloomy. Daniel got a small hint of discouragement.

Part 2

Eli's light shined through the dark trees as he pressed forward, Daniel and Arty followed behind. Eli pushed through a group of brush, knocking into a wooden structure. "OUCH!" He yelped in pain. Daniel walked over and helped Eli up. He looked at him concerned. Eli rubbed his nose and wiped a tiny nosebleed. "Where are we?" he asked confused. Arty walked over a ways and gasped. "Guys, you might wanna come see what we found." he yelled. Eli rushed over and looked up. A small building loomed over them. It had a rusted metal roof, which was covered in old sticks and leaves. "Natural camouflage, nice!" Eli said in surprise. He scanned the house more. The wood that made up the house was decaying and hollow looking. The metal around the windows was covered in mildew and flakes of peeled rust.

Eli gasped. "Exploration!" he yelled in sudden realization. He started toward the door in a light jog. Arty followed after Eli blankly. Daniel slowed but eventually mustered the attitude and followed after the both of them. After Eli reached the door, he reached his arm out to push the door open. He opened the door with a loud creak, then out of nowhere the door fell off of it's loose rusted hinges, falling to the ground with a loud 'SLAM', they pressed onward, reaching the main living room. Eli sighed in relief as Arty shook, his face pale from scare. Daniel looked around, sweating partially.

The house was dark and creepy. Eli walked around shining his light. He jumped with a yelp, shining a light at a human figure, though it was just a convenient coat rack. Eli looked through each bedroom, which was run down and decaying, paint peeling from the hollow wood that made up the house. He shivered and scurried out of the room. Looking back into the living room he spotted a CRT TV with a green, he thinks probably used to be blue couch. He didnt take the risk of sitting on it and raised an eyebrow at what horrible condition the house was in.

Arty peeked into the bathroom, making a scoff in disgust. The bathroom was filthy with stale toilet paper and a bath covered in mold along with a toilet that appeared extremely dirty, more than what the house appeared as. Arty rolled his eyes and kept walking around. He sighed, there wasn't a single cool thing.

Daniel peered through a hole in the wall, rolling his eyes he walked through the house and spotted a closet. He opened it, revealing just moldy clothes and a forest machete in the floor, also rusted. Daniel continued walking, sadly there wasn't anything else cool on his side either. He sighed. "Eli? You found anything cool yet?" he yelled.

Eli spun around and walked into the kitchen, he spotted a bag on the counter with apparent coins in it. Eli, being the greedy teen he is, reached for the bag. He carefully lifted it on his tip toes, but when he stood back he lost his footing, falling onto the floor, followed by a loud cracking. Daniel raced in, calling Arty. "Eli, are you okay?!" Daniel yelped in concern. Eli nodded. "Yea I'm fi-" he was cut off by a loud crash as the floor caved in and broke under Eli's weight. Arty and Daniel ran over to get Eli away from danger, but to their dismay, they fell into the dark abyss below the floor. They landed on a hard surface, blacking out momentarily.

Part 3

Daniel blinked slowly, waking up to darkness all around him, except for the natural light that filtered in through the hole above them. Taking a step back and looking at Eli and Arty, he woke them up. He shook Eli and yelled for him to wake up. Eli sat forward, groaning. "Where the heck are we?" he looked around, shining his light. Daniel stood up giving a shrug. After a brief look around he spotted a tiny light flickering down a ways in what seemed like a hall. Eli sat up and tilted his head. He grabbed a knife from a sheath on his leg. "I came prepared." He started towards the light, shining ahead through the hall. Arty walked beside Eli along with Daniel, who was partially lagging behind.

Eli looked around, there were scrawls on the wall saying "SOMETHING IS FOLLOWING ME" in all capitals. Eli raised an eyebrow and pressed on, drawing closer to the light, he looked through the hall more, spotting nothing but colorless gray walls. "Seems like some crazy person lived in this house." Eli mocked in non-amusement. The two looked at each other and kept forward, Eli could see his flashlight wouldn't be needed and put it away. They eventually reached the light. The light was a flickering overhead light above a metal door, with a window on top. Eli peeked in, he couldn't see much until he spotted a large shadow dart past the window with a speed he could only describe as lightning. He fell back in surprise, screaming almost. "What the hell was that?!" he exclaimed in terror. Arty and Daniel stood back, Eli stood up, exhaling and bracing himself for whatever could be behind the door. With caution he opened the door and rushed a few steps into the door. Inside the room stood a table, red looking rust covered it. He looked around more and spotted a book, it had tears in the cover. The walls were covered in black scribbles of paint and the green area of the walls were chipping from decay and age. Eli scanned the room. "I don't see a door.." he said. He panned through the room and spotted a large and gray trap door.

He sighed. "It's the only place we can go, let's risk it guys." Eli walked to the hatch, gazing down at it. Arty gulped and followed Eli. It took a while before Daniel mustered the courage and followed. He reached for the hatch and held his arm out, hesitating before he yanked it open, holding the knife out only to be greeted by a checkered floor within it. "W-what..? How is that possible? We're in a house in the woods, with a secret cellar that's hardly powered, but.. under me stands a hallway straight from some type of surface building?" Eli looked at it in shock. Arty leaned forward and crouched to get a better look. Eli was about to say something to Arty before a pitch black hand reached up from a place under the hatch that isn't visible and grabbed Arty by the arm, dragging him into the hatch, away screaming. Eli screamed almost again. "Arty!" he screamed in a feeling like he was going to burst from stress. Daniel grabbed Eli's arm and jumped into the hatch landing on the hard floor, only to see Arty's feet get dragged around a corner.

Eli stood in shock, looking around, it was just a hall filled with turns and colorless walls. He looked at Daniel, he looked around almost about to get distracted before he remembered what he had to do and started running towards the corner. Eli followed after him, turning his light off and running faster. Eli spotted a different way with a bright light, starting towards it and parting from Daniel. Daniel spotted a door to the side and opened it. Not long after Eli branched off, Daniel could hear a scream come from that direction "Eli? Arty?!" he said in rapid concern, running away from the door. Though after he bolted away, two light blue eyes lit up in the dark room.

Daniel bolted along, running through the halls, around corners, and through doors. He barged through a door to see Eli knocked out on the floor, his forehead bruised and a pipe a few feet away, in a position like it was dropped. He stood up and turned around to go find something to help. After turning around a corner a shadowed figure was standing in front of him, a grin stretched across it's hardly visible facial features. It hunched forward and outstretched it's long arms, making some type of inhuman screen as it's head rapidly vibrated. It then hunched back, slinking away from the partially lit up areas of the checkered hall, Daniel gasped and panted in horror as he turned and ran down the hall. A long painful screech echoed through the hallway as Daniel's heavy and rapid footsteps pounded against the hard chipped tile floor, he glanced back. A human figure, shadowed by the darkness of the hallway with blue eyes was rushing at him. It's arms were grotesquely outstretched and it's body was largely stiffened. Daniel tripped and looked back.

The shadow was standing over Daniel. Daniel could feel the misty bottom body areas of the humanoid waft over and around him. The shadow let out a loose snicker before wafting closer. "So, you are the intruder in my home of solitude, are you not, boy?" the figure spoke, deep and whispered. Daniel gulped and nodded, shaking violently in fear on the floor. The shadow grumbled, it sounded angry. "I do not particularly like having teens sneak into my shelter and make waste of it. Though, I have been looking for a host so I can escape this horrible place. You may call me... Mist."

Daniel shook more, terrified by the look and presence of 'Mist'. Mist let out a deep chuckle. "But I can only take over the body of someone who is deceased." he explained. Daniel paled and froze. "W-what?" he managed to stutter. "Yes, as long as there's no bodily damage. I know just the candidate." The closet beside them stirred as Arty fell forward, clearly dead from lack of oxygen. Daniel screamed partially. Mist let out a sadistic laugh, lunging at Arty's dead body and scattering near Arty's physical body, which began gyrating almost violently on the floor.

Daniel scooted back and hugged his knees to his chest. There was no exit behind Daniel, he was cornered at a dead end. Mist stood up in Arty's body. Arty's eyes switched to a dark black and blue, his hair darkened and his posture appeared taller. Daniel looked at Mist in horror. "Ah, that's much better. Being unable to hurt was troubling in here. That old man was horribly ghastly to control." Mist said, looking at Daniel's face with a grin. He grabbed something from the closet that Daniel couldn't see, then he lunged at him with a yell.

Eli groaned and woke up, he jolted to attention when he heard the screams of agony coming from the hallways. He got up and started running after the noises. He passed a corner, he pulled out his knife. He bolted to the final turn, screeching to a stop. His eyes widened. He saw Mist over Daniel. He was holding a scalpel, Daniel's throat was slit and his body had many long slices. Mist turned to face Eli with a grin. "So you're the other victim for my escape.." he questioned. Eli's eyes widened as he stepped back, shaking partially in fear. He gripped the knife tightly and adjusted his feet.

Mist began charging at Eli, laughing maniacally. Eli yelped and swung his knife. He turned and ran away towards wherever he could find anything even close to an exit. He turned around corners and through doors, panting and looking back as Mist was closing in, scraping the scalpel along the concrete wall. Eli turned around another corner and screeched to a halt, there was a dark stairway that led up, Eli could see moonlight pooling into the tunnel, he smiled in relief. "The exit!" he looked back, Mist was about to turn the corner.

Eli jerked and ran up through the stairway, he could hear heavy footsteps behind him. He used every bit of his energy to throw himself forward, closer and closer to freedom. He was tearing up, he didn't expect this to happen, he just wanted to get out! He dived through the opening. He ran to and dry heaved over a tree. He finally calmed himself and turned. He came out of the basement door outside the house. He blinked, it slammed shut just then. He yelped and stepped back. He could feel cold feelings on his neck. He turned around abruptly. Nothing was there.

Eli sighed in relief and started to walk away. Mist jumped out in front of him and gripped his shoulders, screaming. Eli yelled and grabbed his knife, slashing it across Mist's eye. Mist groaned and moaned in pain, stumbling back to lean against a tree. Eli wiped the stressed tears away and bolted out of the woods, running through all the heavy brush towards the house he wanted to belong back in. Mist just watched as he ran away, then turned and walked off in a different direction. He peered through the forest, grumbling in annoyance. After a long walk he reached the end of the forest, close to the town of Summerdale. Mist grinned sadistically and looked over.

He put a foot to a tree and yanked off a sharp, jagged branch from a tree. He scanned it. "This will have to do until I can make my own real weapon." he clarified to himself. He gripped the stick and started for the town. 