Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25418458-20141026004333/@comment-25226524-20141026014723

You need to break that wall up into paragraphs. Anywhere where there is a slight change of thought or direction is a good place. Also, is this just part of a story? You need to say so at the top if it is, which I have to assume is the case. The last paragraph just comes off as nonsensical in this context.

I have to tell you though, if this is part of something bigger, it can almost all be removed from the story. It just reads as a bunch of unnecessary description that has very little tension, and I can't imagine that it progresses the story in any way. I know this can be hard to hear, but it's just part of the process. I recently wrote twenty pages of a chapter that I'm working on, and by the time I was done cutting it down, I had ten pages. I can see some potential there in your descriptive work, but you just have to watch overdoing it. You need to make sure to progress the story as you describe things, not just describing for the sake of it.

There are also numerous technical/grammar/wording issues in the story, but I'm sure you could take care of that with a bit more proofreading. Reading out-loud always helps to catch things that don't sound right. Keep trying, with every word you write, you get a little better.