Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-7064562-20170706155016/@comment-32461413-20170707032637

I found this story to be really captivating. I absolutely adore the level of description; it's really well done. I found myself reading all the way to the end.

I feel that the second person "rant" in the beginning was a bit awkward and abrupt. Especially since it doesn't really enhance the story too much as well as doesn't reappear that often; there's only a handful of places that this second person style actually appears. I would suggest either removing this portion completely, or adding more of it to integrate it more into the story rather than being some random part thrown in.

For grammatical issues, there were some misspells here and there but pretty minor and nothing that another read through couldn't fix. The main issue however is with the punctuation. Commas are used quite a bit even when not neccesarily needed. Read the story out loud to yourself, remember that a comma is a pause so if there doesn't seem like a pause is needed, then remove the comma. Also be on the look for missing punctuation marks such as apostrophes. I feel like all grammatical issues could be fixed just by reading through and thinking about what needs to be where and why.

The ending feels abrupt and I'm a bit confused by what happened. Granted I know that you probably will add more being that this appears to be a series, but I feel the ending is too abrupt and that there are some loose ends that you can still tie up before you end off the chapter. Additionally, none of the chapters are labeled, so it is easy to forget that they are there.

Probably my biggest issue is that this doesn't really feel that much like a creepypasta up until the very end. The end only makes up about 10% of this whole piece and it seems alienated from the rest. This is all grounded in reality up until that part and there really is not a reason why that is the case. While I do think you have a good story that is well executed, I don't feel that the whole creepypasta feel applies to this story which is an issue as that is what this whole wiki is focused on. To be honest, the ending almost feels as if you're trying to cover up your tracks and add the creep factor just for the sake of the creep factor; the ending is just so different from the rest that it feels out of place. Perhaps the reason why I feel this is because there is supposed to be a continuation. Despite that however, I do notice that the creep factor is almost non existant for the remainder 90% which that is something that not even a continuation would exactly solve. Perhaps even some sublte foreshadowing that Greg was planning on attacking the protagonist would be beneficial.

All in all, despite my concerns, I really did enjoy the story. I just feel that the creep factor needs to be amped up for it to fit in on this website as that is my biggest concern. I kind of even wonder what would happen if you kept going with the story, not exactly as a creepypasta, but as something different, I see great potential.