Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26042101-20150125122343/@comment-26007602-20150125185844

Alright, so there are a good number of issues present here. First off, as Natalo pointed out, your grammar is very poor. The story would be deleted for that alone. The most obvious one I see is the capitalization; you always capitalize the start of a sentence, even if that sentence is dialogue. Also, don't bother indenting your paragraphs, the wiki doesn't use the same format as novels and other stories. It would take some time to point out all the grammatical errors (and I'm more interested in talking plot anyways), so I recommend you run this through a word processor to catch them.

The main problem with this story is that it follows the patented and clichéd "Jeff Formula." Kid is normal, kid is in accident, kid is disfigured (although in this story her eyes change color, why? That's not creepy nor does it make sense), and then kid goes out and murders people. It's not creepy, it's not interesting to read, and it's not original. Whether or not the copying is intentional on your part, I'd recommend scrapping this story as it would be deleted because of the plot.

A few other things I noticed that irked me: your character has a catchphrase. Why? What does that add to the character or story? It's unnecessary and laughable. Also, "goodnight" is almost a rip off of Jeff's "Go to sleep". The whole plot itself moves far too quickly. One second she is normal, the next she is in a hospital, then she's tied up, then she's murdering her captor. You need to slow down and put more detail and thought into these separate scenarios. Ann is also woefully underdeveloped, you need to give reader's time to emphasize with your character if you want them to be affected by her plight.

Also, don't use ellipses outside of dialogue, as they don't add suspense or tension like you were intending.

Jeff the Killer isn't a great story by any means, but you should read it anyways to see the similarities between it and your story. I don't mean to sound harsh in my review, but I prefer being direct in getting my points across. You could try putting a more original spin on the concept, but I'd just scrap this story and try to come up with a entirely new concept.