Talk:And the Autumn Moon Is Bright/@comment-26030957-20171031202516

WEREWOLF CONTEST RESULTS:

Werewolf hunters in the redwoods of Humboldt County, California.

NARRATIVE HOOK/INCITING INCIDENT: I’ve had several editors tell me to never start a story with dialogue, because there is no context as to who is talking or why. That said, a lot of great stories do begin with dialogue, but, imo, it should be something that sets the scene, initiates the story, and draws the reader in. I’m not sure if, “Fontaine, how long have we been doing this?” really cuts it. I don’t know who Fontaine is or what they’re doing. I guess the real hook and inciting incident here is, “A rash of killings have attracted us out west,” which would have been a pretty good opening line. It would have set the tone, explained the circumstances, and caught the reader’s attention. Unfortunately this line is on the fourth page and the story begins with a long lecture on the different types of lycanthropy which I think could have been completely cut out, as it does nothing to serve the forward motion of the narrative. 7.

ORIGINALITY: A werewolf story in Humboldt County? I think I’ve heard of this being done before. Pot grows and outlaw bikers in Northern California? Really? Who would have guessed? Werewolf hunters armed with silver bullets and knives? Yeah, think I’ve heard that one before, too. Werewolf bikers? Well, the first time it was done was in 1971 in the film Werewolves on Wheels. Since then it’s been done many times, most notably on HBO’s True Blood. 6.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: I never really got a good visual of the two protagonists in my head. I didn’t know who they were or why they had become werewolf hunters. I only know that Morgana had “a nasty supernatural experience [that] gave [her] low level telepathy.” So, Morgan is stubborn and psychic, and Maurice is very large and cautious. That’s about the most I’m getting from them. I can’t help but feel they are underdeveloped. 7.

DIALOGUE: A nice bit of banter in the beginning, but it quickly turns into a lecture. The talk with the bartender was all right. 8.

EXECUTION: No spelling mistakes. “County” should be capitalized in “Humboldt County”. I wondered about the bartender drinking several half-empty bottles of whiskey in twenty minutes. That’s two or three bottles in a short amount of time. He'd be pretty incapacitated, if not close to death. Werewolves the size of malamutes isn’t that impressive to me. Malamutes only get to be about 24 inches and 85 pounds, which means a burly 250 pound biker would actually be shrinking. My St. Bernard mix is about 130 pounds and she’s the runt of the litter. She’d tower over any malamute. Also malamutes are so cute and fluffy. I think something like “snarling wolves the size of ponies” might have been more effective. I also would have liked a little more research done on the location. Humboldt County is roughly the size of the state of Connecticut. It’s not just rural redwoods. The northern and southern sections are extremely different, the southern area being mostly warm and sunny, but also very sparsely populated, while the northern area has several cities, a large university, and is often covered in fog and drenched in rain. Of course the western side is all beaches on the Pacific Ocean and the eastern side is the snow-covered Trinity Alps. I would have liked to have heard exactly where they were, what towns they were by, as it would have lent more realism and atmosphere to the story. But overall it achieved what it set out to do. 9.

ENDING/DENOUEMENT: Well, it was ironic that the girl they had gone to all that effort to rescue gets bitten in the end, but I didn’t get why Morgana gave her the gun and let her decide whether or not to take her own life. Isn’t she letting a werewolf possibly go free? Which would be against the whole point of the mission? I’d of preferred to see the struggle that lay in Morgana as she prepared herself to blow the girls brains out, the inner strength she had to find in order to do that. That would have been very dramatic and compelling. 8.

OVERALL CREEPINESS: Well, the idea of a woman held captive in a cage to a gang of outlaw biker werewolves is pretty terrifying and creepy. Unfortunately, the only description we have of her is: “The lone occupant silently weeping in the corner.” I want some gnarly details! Is she blood streaked and naked, covered in dirt and bruises, laying in a pool of urine, blood leaking out between her legs? What does she smell like? If you’re going to go there and have a kidnapped and abused woman locked in a cage, deliver the goods! 8.

FINAL SCORE: 53 out of 70