Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5239282-20140601191419/@comment-9967354-20140602113102

I like the idea of the poem, really, but the fact that it followed a very simple aaa-bbb scheme made it sound rather flawed. And it isn't like the scheme is definite; it just changes without a warning. Suddenly, instead of three lines that rhyme, you have two, or even seven! And that bothered me, because I sort of sing-along poems. Then suddenly, I find that there's too many rhymes here in this paragraph and too little here and oh my god what is happening.

Secondly, maaaybe you'd want to keep a somewhat definite amount of syllables in selected lines (after you arrange them in equal groups), just so the sing-along bit becomes easier. For example:

What about you?

To glide on in ignorance or embrace the mourning air on your descent:

The choice is yours.

How I read that:

What       about         you?

toglideonignoranceorembracethemorningaironyourdescent

The              choice           is       yours.

And from what I read, I feel you are trying to express how flawed our belief system is, and how things, strong things, that we build our lives on, eventually crumble. Like the government, god, yada yada. What I didn't understand what the middle bit with the war and the lone child. Maybe you could clear that out a bit.