Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29015383-20160714143121/@comment-25226524-20160716195505

It's an improvement, but there are some issues. I will say that you found a good voice for this narrator. It really suits the character. There are some things here and there that I'm not crazy about, but overall it's not bad. You're going to have to do something about saying that it's a blog post earlier in the story. If it's a blog post and someone sees it, they're gonna tell the police and they're going to go get her. I would just take that part out and let her be writing it like she's writing a letter. It also may help for him to get caught when he goes into town to get supplies, then no one would have a clue that place even existed. She'd be completely lost. Although then you'd have to have some crappy little t.v. in the cabin so she could catch his arrest on the local news or something, or maybe just a radio. Instead of waiting in the closet she could just wait for him in the cabin, watching every day for the mail man to come and take her letter. I don't know, just make sure to tie up any loose ends. Plot holes are embarrassing, trust me.

"That is the reason I'm writing this. I want to create public attention and show people how absolutely twisted the system is..."

See how easy that is? Still reads fine but a huge plot hole was closed by removing four words.

Take your time. Work on conciseness. Cut out anything that isn't necessary. Wait and see if you get some more feedback. I usually go over and over my stories for a few days AFTER I've written them. I cut and add, cut and add. Keep playing around with different ideas. Once again, this is an improvement, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make more improvements. Good luck!