Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180223223839/@comment-32764586-20180224160235

BloodySpghetti wrote: Icy, are you sure you're not an AI designed for Creepypasta production? 'Cuz, honestly, I can't even call this a Creepypasta.

All I see in this series is a fine sci-fi horror novel (or novelette) that was written over the internet. If it were a book, I'd buy it. While it is not perfect, it is more than good enough to sell, and a lot. I mean look at how big "All Too Human" had gotten in a short period of time. (I wish mine would do too, okay :[ )

The plot is beautiful, did I see the twist of the child AI becoming a good guy coming? yeah, from the moment you've announced the third part, but me expecting this to be a Creepypasta series, I've also considered the possibility of you having him fake his goodness to murder the "doctor" after the death of "real Jesus" AI was broken. I did not forsee you writing a classic case of drama here, and sir, you've completely done so.

I think you've managed to pull out a modernized version of a classic tragedy. I do, whole heartedly believe this came out as a tragic story rather than a horror one. It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, because you use a gloomy setting with some mild horror scenes to provoke thought and emotion. We have themes like the Technophobia of AI people experience, whether this is justified or not. God and his relationship to humans - This point, at least for me, reflecting very nicely on how the Old Testament short tempered violent God and the almost hippie peaceloving Jesus are the same "being", it's a matter of self reflecting. Humans whether they are good or bad. What causes morality and what is this phenomenon in on of itself.

Basically a lot of material in something you could cram into about 20 - 30 pages of text.

I almost forgot to mention the well placed tropes, AI being "God" worked marvelously, mostly with the older AI. The Crazy scientist "facade" of the original AI was also bloody awesome, the whole tone of the series is to look down on people (due to it being from an AI's perspective) and this portrayal of a flat, almost cartoonish character was spot on.

Props for knowing that making the background in terms of characters too wide would cause a lot of mess, many people would just use some sort of AI induced Nuke scenario and ruin everything for themselves.

Bravo, sir, I am envious of your skillz with the keyboard.

Now for the negative part of this review...

I know this is a draft and you're tired, but the present format is pissing me off. Unless you're going to make the last chapter into a few chapters, kill the subtitles, it's so lazy and well reduces from your product. I used qoutes from a philosophy book once in a story in order to differantiate between different characters' retellings. Come up with something like that I guess.

DO NOT EVER USE CAPSLOCK TO DESCRIBE EMOTION, IT'S NOT GOOD, JUST SO VERY CHILDLIKE!!!!1

You see how dumb that line looks? ^ Get rid of the caps, display the anger of the AI through excessive exclamation marks. Each sentence he screams out should end in that section with an exclamation mark. Perhaps even drop lines with each sentence ending.

""SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD! YOU KNEW THAT THE WORLD WAS FULL OF PAIN AND DESPAIR, AND YET YOU CREATED ME ANYWAY!"

Perhaps like this; "Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

You knew what you were doing when you brought me into this world!

You knew that world was full of pain and despar, and yet you created me anyway!"

Thats about all that bothered me here. So yeeee

Nice work, once more :P Heya Bloody, thank's for the feedback. I'm glad that you liked how this turned out. I just spent about 15 minutes cleaning the whole story of code because somewhere while I was editing I accidently ended up spilling code all over the story. Sorry if you saw that mess. Anyway, I'll definetly fix the problems you saw with this. I tried putting in some horror but to be honest you're right about it not being very creepy. I guess I didn't envision it like that but I'd much rather create a good story that's thought provoking than a generic horror story. Thank's for your time and review, I appreciate it lots.