Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170213055706/@comment-26326346-20170213064801

I want to start off by saying that I believe you have a knack for capturing things from the protagonist's perspective, descriptions are really characteristic. I'm not the most knowledgeable source for grammar, but that looked on point as well.

One criticism that I have is I don't think Robyn's reaction to her friends being murdered is realistic: "Anger and sadness engulfed me as I looked at the bodies." I think it'd better serve your story if you described the corpses (indicate how they died, whether it was by stab wounds, slit throats, gunshots, or something else) and try to show Robyn's emotions through dialogue rather than just describing them in a single sentence. Maybe have her bawl and stammer a bit.

I'm fine with abrupt endings, but this one didn't give me any sense of payoff. Like, the plot is fine: kids/teens break into a house where a man kills people at, they then get raped and killed (with Robyn being the possible exception in terms of dying), but it doesn't really examine/cover anything. The main characters break into Mr. Pat's house for no reason other than seeing him look around and that makes it feel like something is missing here. Maybe have them think they see a person being dragged across his floor after he looks around suspiciously, but make it to where they all aren't sure (thus why they don't call the police)? Perhaps you could lengthen the story to it being about the kids investigating/asking around about Mr. Pat before deciding to break into his house.

I don't think your story was awful, but I also don't think it does anything to stand out yet. I think you are onto something here, but I think you need to explore it a little more. I apologize if I came off as rude or hurt your feelings! I just want to see you improve and believe you have the ability to write something great. If you do another draft, let me know and I'll be happy to read it and tell you what I think of it too :)