Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24841732-20141010150639/@comment-25226524-20141011232352

Well I was actually leaning towards that being the case with the ending, but I wasn't sure. I think it's because you say, "... another image flashes on." which makes me think of flashing on the tv. Maybe if you took the "on" off the end, it would help, but this could just be me.

As for the rest, I don't have any specific advice. I just felt like you could slow it down once you read over it again, in a less rushed state. As I said, I actually like the story, I just feel like it races along, but perhaps that works in this situation. A lot of the sentences are short and choppy, but if that's the style you were going for, then my thoughts are irrelevant.

I think the story will definitely survive on the site as it is, I just felt like the concept was good enough that you might want to slow it down and expand it a bit. I'm by no means an authority on anything, these were just my thoughts. I still like the story, regardless of whether you change it or not.