Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28788859-20160619072515/@comment-24101790-20160619073149

It was deleted because there were a number of wording, punctuation, and story issues.

Punctuation: Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "Prior to the parents(') retirement to sleep" As retirement is a noun, retiring would be a more fluid version. This is important as retirement is usually reserved for occupations. "the sheer trembling nature of the man(')s voice." Commas missing from sentences where a pause is implied. "It was not long until sunset dawned early five o’ clock taking into account the time of year.". You also should really hyphenate compound words like: "a half used spray can.", "sauntering hand in hand,", etc.

Wording: Awkward wording. "By this time, a shabby store bought tent was up and the three sat under the primordial sky.", "The girl staggered with her mother, sauntering hand in hand, to the stinking bathroom block almost near half-asleep while her father gathered things from outside the tent which would surely be ruined in the expected rain", etc. Redundancies: "The mother cleaned her teeth and freshened herself up, cleaning her face with a number of white cottonwool pads while Ellie did what she needed to do. (redundant, avoid using wording twice in the same sentence as it comes off as repetitive.)", "utilising a drop-back pit where excrement, faces (excrement is feces) and other unnamable things would go.", etc.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were. First and foremost, it seems unbelievable that someone would be at the bottom of the latrine and wouldn't be detectable. As someone who lived with latrines that were dug fifty feet down where I could (unfortunately) see to the bottom even in relative darkness, it seems incredibly unlikely that someone would be down there with a camera and not be seen.

Story issues cont.: Additionally how exactly did the man get out of the latrine so quickly and spray-paint his message? This becomes problematic because it seems like the events happen right after each other. The mother sees the light too, mentions it to the father, and he investigates. During that time, the creeper is able to get out, shuck his clothes, and leave a message. It seems very unlikely that all of this would happen without the father running into him. I'm sorry, while the idea seems relatively interesting, it needs quite a bit more build-up to be effective and the awkward wording, punctuation, and story issues need some smoothing out.