Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27582895-20170213055706/@comment-24101790-20170213063200

"Hannah almost called, "Hello?"," The comma outside the quotations is not needed and is in fact incorrect.

""Hannah, one wrong step and we probably end up being raped and then killed!" I hissed. Hannah nodded, and I uncovered her mouth. "C'mon, Robyn, it can't be that bad," Jacob replied." You should space out dialogue so two speakers are never talking on the same line. This is done to prevent misattribution and confusion about inflection. It is a common format for most forms of literature.

"He was ass-naked, immediately placing his hands on my shoulders." This is awkwardly worded and feels like you left a few words out to connect those two segments.

Story issues: Unfortunately there are quite a lot of story issues here. "That Saturday, we told our parents we were going to go meet Mr. Pat. It wasn't a total lie, and our parents definitely fell for it." If the protagonists are able to see the neighbor out their window and are using him as an excuse, wouldn't the parents just call him or head over to talk to him for clarification. It seems like a bad excuse as even if their plan went off without a hitch and the entry wasn't discovered until later, the kids immediately have a connection to Mr. Pat having told their parents they were going to his house (for reasons?)

Story issues cont.: ""Hannah, one wrong step and we probably end up being raped and then killed!" I hissed." Why exactly does the protagonist reach this conclusion? Basically all they've seen up to this point is "Mr. Pat, run into his living room, look down at something, look around, then disappear from view." Why do they assume he's a rapist/murderer, and that's a rumor around the neighborhood, why exactly are the children's parents alright with letting them visit his house?

Story issues cont.: Your story is missing a lot of description that would make the scenes more effective. "He didn't answer me, but he pointed to the dead bodies of my two best friends. Anger and sadness engulfed me as I looked at the bodies." The protagonist is seeing their best friends laying dead before them and they give little to no reaction.

Story issues cont.: The transitions need quite a bit of work. "Unfortunately, we were lost, so we were forced to continue. (how exactly are they trapped in his house?) A piercing female scream, a child crying, and a baby whining echoed through the basement, scaring us even more (I'm assuming these are things they encountered, when did they and where. You need to build a story from these elements). Suddenly, my world went black. (Typically more is given when someone gets knocked out. Just having the world go black isn't a really viable transition.)"

A final note: Basing a story off of a video game is typically not a good idea unless you are able to fully differentiate from the other's plot and make it a new entity. This ends up feeling like Hello Neighbor-lite. Lines like: "We continued through the twisted freakshow, finding a pirahna pool, a set of three mannequins dressed as a woman and two children, and a chest of human hearts." and "A piercing female scream, a child crying, and a baby whining echoed through the basement, scaring us even more." feel more like things lifted from the game (Sharkotron, crying children, and mannequins) so in the end it really doesn't feel so much as an homage and more like an asset lift.