Talk:My Baby/@comment-24821182-20140520044137

The ending made me read it twice. It's a very good story, which also makes it harder for me to review, as it's so unlike the stuff I see posted on the Writer's Workshop. I couldn't spot a single grammatical mistake, and not a single error in the phrasing of a line. I will give you just a few things, and I'm being nit-picky:

Firstly, there's all the metaphors. Your narrator uses so many that I have to analyze nearly every line to understand what's going on, and while that certainly makes for a fun project for experienced readers, to me it was a little difficult to follow. Some of your choices in metaphors were also very weird, particularly during the sex-scenes, "The  rubble and the people that I held captive in there spilling out like soda pop..."

Later on, you use another metaphor for the same thing that fits much better with the ending, "...my warm essence exploding into my baby like a slug from a .45."

The latter makes much more sense than the former.

Secondly, after an entire story told in metaphors, it's odd to see the narrator suddenly being straightforward about what's really going on. I had grown so accustomed to figuring out the plot that having everything spoon-fed to me near the ending was very unsettling.

Thirdly - and this is just a minor, personal issue - but I'm not a fan of the large chunks of text. Could you perhaps split them up a little?

Anyway, it's a very good story. Certainly better than anything I've written. I'll have to up my game.