Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33451975-20171023174304/@comment-25941663-20171026213153

First I will note some technical issues (grammar, punctuation, etc.) and then I will give you a review of the plot and writing.

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(you can search for the text by pressing Ctrl+F)

"Of course, Molly, it would be a nice experience for the family right kids" - Before 'right' there should be a comma. Also, this piece of dialogue seems a bit unnatural and forced. Imagine a father saying that. Does it sound right? This method generally helps combing through unnatural dialogue and is very useful.

"to see it to not knowing what horror" - The second 'to' should be removed.

In general, I notice you have some issues with dialogue formatting. I suggest you read this guide.

"I could barely concentrate. I hear my sister walk" - You swapped tenses from past to present. You should have kept it consistently at present, these kind of changes stand out and ruin immersion.

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I am afraid your story does not meet the Quality Standards of the wiki and cannot be posted on the main site. Below I give you some feedback so that you can improve.

That tarot card thing is a bit cheesy. I would have liked to see something more unique.

The "Riley breaking the computer thing" seems a bit unrealistic. That note left behind is something nobody would do. Why would she break the computer and write a note? What would this accomplish?

"I thought angrily" - In writing, there is this general rule, "show, don't tell". When you tell the reader what happened, you rob them of the experience of reading the thing actually happening. Instead of telling the reader that she 'thought angrily', you could have showed it. Maybe her upper lip stiffened, she clenched her fist, threw something, punched a pillow, anything. Just a sentence showing how characters feel is much better than telling us.

It seems weird that the magician would go to such lengths to torment the girl instead of just killing her. He wants to protect his secret, so why wait? He has already been in her room, so why not end it there?

The main issue with the story is the logical fallacies and generic plot (a mysterious killer who likes toying with his victim is after the protagonist). When writing, you should be taking extra care to make sure what you are writing is realistic and plausible. Logical holes like the ones I mentioned above break a story apart, and I'm afraid this was no exception.

You seem to have proper grammar and general language use, so only thing you have to do is practice. Keep reading and keep writing. Becoming a writer is a long process, but with patience you can create great things. I suggest you take a look at my profile, under "Favourite Stories" I have a list of awesome stories you can read to get a feel of what we're looking for.

Also, as a final tip, since you are new to writing, think about writing shorter tales (1000-2000 words). They are easier to write and take less time. That way you can complete more stories and gain more experience while writing fewer words.

Happy writing!