User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Pythor's Suicide

I think I found it. I think I've found my least favorite Creepypasta, no, least favorite piece of writing ever. And considering all the shit I've had to read for these Riffs, that's saying something. So, what is this piece of writing you ask? A little something called "Pythor's Suicide." It sounds similar to something, doesn't it? Something like, say, "Squidward's Suicide." You know why it does? Because that's literally what this story is. Someone took "Squidward's Suicide", changed some names, and called it a new piece of work. Don't believe me? Well, let's Riff this bitch so I can show you how lazy and unoriginal this piece of feces is.

(Note: As I've already Riffed "Squidward's Suicide" before, I had to come up with some new jokes. However, I might have used some jokes from that Riff here unintentionally. If I have, sorry.)

I just want to start off by saying if you want an answer at the end, prepare to be disappointed.

I was hoping for originality, but I guess I should prepare for disappointment there.

There just isn't one.

I was an intern at Cartoon Network Studios for a year in 2012 for my degree in animation. It wasn't paid of course, most internships aren't, but it did have some perks beyond education.

(Narrator): I got to see new episodes of “Teen Titans GO!” Wait, that’s not a perk.

To adults it might not seem like a big one, but most kids at the time would go crazy over it. Now, since I worked directly with the editors and animators, I got to view the new episodes days before they aired.

Yes, because interns totally do that.

I'll get right to it without giving too many unnecessary details.

(Narrator): This is basically “Squidward’s Suicide.” I’m a very lazy and unimaginative writer.

They had very recently made the Ninjago specials and the entire staff was somewhat sapped of creativity so it took them longer to start up the season. But the delay lasted longer for more upsetting reasons. There was a problem with the series 4 premiere that set everyone and everything back for several months.

Me and two other interns were in the editing room along with the lead animators and sound editors for the final cut.

We received the copy that was supposed to be "The Snake King"

(Narrator): ...but instead got hardcore lesbian porn.

and gathered around the screen to watch. Now, given that it isn't final yet animators often put up a mock title card, sort of an inside joke for us, with phony, often times lewd titles, such as "How drugs don't work" instead of "Never Trust a Snake" when Lloyd joins the Ninja. Nothing particularly funny but work related chuckles. So when we saw the title card "Pythor's Suicide" we didn't think it more than a morbid joke.

''Ha ha ha! People killing themselves due to things like depression is funny!''

One of the interns did a small throat laugh at it. The story began with Pythor playing the Sacred Flute, hitting a few sour notes. We hear Skales laughing outside and Pythor stops, yelling at him to keep it down as he has to use the Sacred Flute against the other Generals in the Slither Pit battle, and needs to practice.

I don’t watch the Ninjago show (when it comes to Lego themes with original stories, I much prefer the awesomeness that it BIONICLE), so I have to ask: is a flute really a good weapon?

Skales says okay and goes to see Acidicus with Fangtom. The sword swish screen comes up and we see Pythor playing the Sacred Flute. This is when things began to seem off.

While playing, a few frames repeat themselves, but the sound doesn't (at this point sound is synced up with animation, so, yes, that's not common) but when he stops playing, the sound finishes as if the skip never happened.

''It must have been the Illuminati! Wait, wrong lost episode.''

There is slight murmuring in the crowd before they begin to boo him. Not normal cartoon booing that is common in the show, but you could very clearly hear malice in it. Some of them said things like, "You jackass!" and "Go to hell!"

Hey, this story already says what I want to say to the writer of this story.

Seriously? Pythor's in full frame and looks visibly afraid. The shot goes to the crowd, with Skales in center frame, and he too is booing, very much unlike him. That isn't the oddest thing, though. What is odd is everyone had hyper realistic eyes.

''You know, I was thinking that there was no way I could hate this story any more than I already do. Then what has to be my least favorite word in the English language appears.''

Very detailed. Clearly not shots of real people's eyes, but something a bit more real than CGI.

Dude, the Ninjago show is in CGI.

The pupils were red. Some of us looked at each other, obviously confused, but since we weren't the writers, we didn't question its appeal to children yet.

The shot goes to Pythor sitting on the edge of his bed, looking very forlorn. The view out of his window is of a night sky so it isn't very long after the Slither Pit fight. The unsettling part is at this point there is no sound. Literally no sound. Not even the feedback from the speakers in the room. It's as if the speakers were turned off, though their status showed them working perfectly. He just sat there, blinking, in this silence for about 30 seconds, then he started to sob softly.

Hey, look, my reaction to this story.

He put his hands over his eyes and cried quietly for a full minute more, all the while a sound in the background very slowly growing from nothing to barely audible. It sounded like a slight breeze through a forest.

The screen slowly begins to zoom in on his face. By slow I mean it's only noticeable if you look at shots 10 seconds apart side by side. His sobbing gets louder, more full of hurt and anger. The screen then twitches a bit, as if it twists in on itself, for a split second then back to normal. The wind-through-the-trees sound gets slowly louder and more severe, as if a storm is brewing somewhere. The eerie part is this sound, and Squidward's sobbing,

''Oh, come on, really? You couldn’t even take out the word “Squidward”? How lazy are you?''

sounded real, as if the sound wasn't coming from the speakers but as if the speakers were holes the sound was coming through from the other side. As good as sound as the studio likes to have, they don't purchase the equipment to be that good to produce sound of that quality.

Below the sound of the wind and sobbing, very faint, something sounded like laughing. It came at odd intervals and never lasted more than a second so you had a hard time pinning it (we watched this show twice, so pardon me if things sound too specific but I've had time to think about them). After 30 seconds of this, the screen blurred and twitched violently and something flashed over the screen, as if a single frame was replaced.

The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible.

(Narrator): It was a picture of Justin Bieber trying to act gangster.

It was a still photo of a dead child. He couldn't have been more than 6. The face was mangled and bloodied, one eye dangling over his upturned face, popped. He was naked down to his underwear, his stomach crudely cut open and his entrails laying beside him. He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer. There was no crime tape, no evidence tags or markers, and the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence. It would seem the photographer was the person responsible for the child's death. We were of course mortified, but pressed on, hoping that it was just a sick joke.

Yes, because child death is hilarious!

The screen flipped back to Pythor, still sobbing, louder than before, and half body in frame. There was now what appeard to be blood running down his face from his eyes. The blood was also done in a hyper realistic style,

''STOP USING THAT WORD! AAAAGGGGGH!''

looking as if you touched it you'd get blood on your fingers. The wind sounded now as if it were that of a gale blowing through the forest; there were even snapping sounds of branches. The laughing, a deep baritone, lasting at longer intervals and coming more frequently. After about 20 seconds, the screen again twisted and showed a single frame photo. The editor was reluctant to go back, we all were, but he knew he had to.

Yes, because you can’t, I don’t know, stop watching this and call the cops or anything.

This time the photo was that of what appeared to be a little girl, no older than the first child. She was laying on her stomach, her barrettes in a pool of blood next to her. Her left eye was too popped out and popped, naked except for underpants. Her entrails were piled on top of her above another crude cut along her back. Again the body was on the street and the photographer's shadow was visible, very similar in size and shape to the first. I had to choke back vomit and one intern, the only female in the room, ran out. The show resumed.

About 5 seconds after this second photo played, Pythor went silent, as did all sound, like it was when this scene started. He put his claws down and his eyes were now done in hyper realism

-sobbing-

like the others were in the beginning of this episode. They were bleeding, bloodshot, and pulsating. He just stared at the screen, as if watching the viewer. After about 10 seconds, he started sobbing, this time not covering his eyes. The sound was piercing and loud, and most fear inducing of all is his sobbing was mixed with screams.

Tears and blood were dripping down his face at a heavy rate. The wind sound came back, and so did the deep voiced laughing,

''I’m glad someone’s happy. Because I’m sure not.''

and this time the still photo lasted for a good 5 frames.

The animator was able to stop it on the 4th and backed up. This time the photo was of a boy, about the same age, but this time the scene was different. The entrails were just being pulled out from a stomach wound by a large hand, the right eye popped and dangling, blood trickling down it. The animator proceeded. It was hard to believe, but the next one was different but we couldn't tell what.

''GASP! Different pictures! What a shock!''

He went on to the next, same thing. He want back to the first and played them quicker and I lost it. I vomited on the floor, the animating and sound editors gasping at the screen. The 5 frames were not as if they were 5 different photos, they were played out as if they were frames from a video. We saw the hand slowly lift out the guts, we saw the kid's eyes focus on it, we even saw two frames of the kid beginning to blink.

The lead sound editor told us to stop, he had to call in the creator to see this. Mr. Hagemann arrived within about 15 minutes. He was confused as to why he was called down there, so the editor just continued the episode.

''Really? You don’t tell him why he should come down, just that he should? Sheesh, this story is so lazy that even the characters are lazy.''

Once the few frames were shown, all screaming, all sound again stopped. was just staring at the viewer, full frame of the face, for about 3 seconds. The shot quickly panned out and that deep voice said "DO IT, NOW" and we see in Pythor's hands a knife. He immediately thrusts the knife in his chest and carves it down to his stomach and dies.

''Wait, so minifigures have rib cages and stuff? Because I have many minifigures, and none of them have any of that. ''

Pythor's fatal cut wound bled, but the blood was real. You could see his ribcage and organs. The last 5 seconds of this episode show his body on the bed. Then the episode ends. Mr. Hagemann is obviously angry at this.

You and me both.

He demanded to know what the heck was going on. Most people left the room at this point, so it was just a handful of us to watch it again. Viewing the episode twice only served to imprint the entirety of it in my mind and cause me horrible nightmares.

Well, that’s what you get for being a dumbass.

I'm sorry I stayed.

I'm sorry I read this.

The only theory we could think of was the file was edited by someone in the chain from the drawing studio to here. The CTO was called in to analyze when it happened. The analysis of the file did show it was edited over by new material. However, the timestamp of it was a mere 24 seconds before we began viewing it. All equipment involved was examined for foreign software and hardware as well as glitches, as if the time stamp may have glitched and showed the wrong time, but everything checked out fine. We don't know what happened and to this day nobody does.

Bad writing?

There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it. No child seen was identified and no clues were gathered from the data involved nor physical clues in the photos. I never believed in unexplainable phenomena before, but now that I have something happen and can't prove anything about it beyond anecdotal evidence, I think twice about things. Unfortunately, this episode was aired (ONLY ONCE), so, a skeleton popped out and I died.

Well, at least this story had a happy ending.

END RIFF

This story SUCKS. I've complained that lost episode stories are lazy and unimaginative, but that's because most of them use the same scenario, plot elements, and clichés from other lost episode stories. This story...this one literally took "Squidward's Suicide", changed the names (and not very well. They still kept in a "Squidward"), and called it something else. At least those other rip-off stories tried to do something a bit different. This one can't even say that.

Now, I should note that this story is under the "Parody" category. However, that still doesn't make it much better, because this isn't a parody! A parody is supposed to make fun of something. This story just basically retells "Squidward's Suicide" verbatim. A parody would be a story that, while similar to "Squidward's Suicide", makes fun of it. Some good examples of parody include "Spaceballs", "Young Frankenstein", and "Airplane." That's parody. It's funny and somewhat original. This story is lazy, unfunny, and unoriginal!

See, I despise unoriginality. Granted, I may seem like kind of a hypocrite for saying that, considering the name I go by and what I do, but I still don't like it. It's lazy and pathetic. So seeing a story like this really pisses me off. If it's serious, it sucks. If it's parody, it still sucks. The only way it wouldn't suck very much were if it were printed out and used as toilet paper, because that's all this story is good for.

So, what do you guys think? Was this story crap? (OF COURSE IT WAS!) Was the Riff any good? Do you wish I'd read this story until I kill myself? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.