Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33077235-20180922174343/@comment-33077235-20180922184020

NedWolfkin wrote: Review time, childrens!

Spelling issues: "mess - around" should just be "mess around". "I found a live stream by a creator named I Iamnobody." later on it is just "Iamnobody". "'A live stream. Very creative name, I thought to myself." you forgot the last quotation mark and forgot to capitalize it (unless that is how it was spelled in the story). "I’m ready to click off" tense error is still present. "this voice, his voice, sounding like it’s cracking, almost deep but not quite." is awkwardly worded. "I stay to listen." tense shift. "The next day, I went to see if he was streaming around the same time." should be "Around the same time the next day I went to see if he was streaming." or similar. "When I saw that he was live, I clicked it" comma is unnecessary. "In a less cracked voice, but still deep, he starts to talk." tense issue still there. "'In Today’s stream,'" today does not need to be capitalized. "On that site, there’s a chat there similar to YouTube" the comma is unnecessary and "there's a chat there" just doesnt sound right. "As a bonus" is pointless additional wording. "It gave me chills, made me paranoid." I believe replacing the comma with an "and" would make this more smoother. "'I want to see how they...' he strains his voice as he says it." so he just cuts himself off? "forces open his mouth with knife in hand." see what was wrong with that one? "when you click the actual stream, the things they do are sickening." should be something like "when you click the actual stream, the videos they show are sickening." "I go and look for my recording so I can turn this site in, but I freeze" tense issue. "I hope to get rid of this guy, so I go look for his channel on YouTube" more of that ever present tense issue. "The strange thing is I never tried to record it again, I just watched it." What?

Plot issues: Almost every verything plot related stands from the last time I reviewed this, except you actually fixed the website issue. I've noticed that the last video havs a tense issue. "but the site is private invite only" so he was invited? I'm supposing when Iamnobody mentioned the link earlier that was the invite? "'To turn this freak into the police,' I mumble to myself." this is still pointless. "I’m not sure why and I still wonder today: since I didn’t take action, and only watched - does that make me the psycho?" No because technically he did try, he just forgot to hit record. This is why your amin and not me,lol. Ok so I see the qutation problems I'm not seeing the tense issue. Maybe elaberateing more would help. I'm glad there's less problems to fix your good at this.