Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190813084030/@comment-5733573-20190813141531

I really liked this. I think it needs only a few tweaks and cleanups to make it really great.

First, in terms of plotting, it was fairly predictable. I knew what was coming, I just didn't know how. I want to stress that I don't think this is a problem. It becomes a fun kind of game this way. We know he's headed for punishment, the only question is how and when the penny's going to drop. That said, the punishment comes on very suddenly, ending the delicious suspense of the middle. It might be a good idea to drag this out a bit more and build that sense of dread that creepypasta readers will be expecting.

Also with regard to plotting, there are a couple of things that I think could be teased far sooner. You hint in the earlier moments that there's some kind of unconfessed wrong that this Archbishop hasn't offloaded. I don't think you have to tell us what it is outright at that moment, but a few more hints would make it more interesting and prepare us a bit more for the ending. There are lots of vague, ambiguous things you can pull from there. The second thing that needs to be clearer is who Mary actually is when we meet her. I certainly got it because of my background, but it's understated enough here that another reader---many, in fact---might miss it. Mary is huge in Catholicism, so it's unlikely a Catholic priest would arrive in Heaven, meet the Holy Mother, and not have some kind of an awestruck reaction.

Now, in terms of execution, you seem to shift a lot between showing and telling, and I know you know that showing is more effective. Here's one example that stuck out to me:

"His teeth chattered, and his ears felt like they were exploding."

Half of this sentence shows, and half of it tells. Ideally, both should show. Especially for a scene like that ending, you really want to make sure everything is rooted in the physical senses. That will give it the most impact.

There appear to be places where it looks like you've tried to include too much information in one sentence, resulting in a bit of awkwardness. Here's one example:

"A woman in a simple white tunic and a cloak that covered her hair glanced at her tablet and nodded."

With this sentence, I suggest first establishing her presense with the nod in one sentence. Then use a second to describe her. Then, perhaps a third to introduce her tablet. That will just decongest it and allow all of the information to sink in.

I need to also bring up word choice. I strongly suggest finding alternatives for "bits" and "manly bits." These terms are inherently comical and out of keeping with the tone and voice of your story. They break the reader's concentration and ruin the suspension of disbelief.

Finally, there are some minor grammatical errors and typos. For example, you shift back and forth between "Walsh" and "Walsch," but I know you're going to proofread this and catch all of these little things.