Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25891880-20141218232455/@comment-25170312-20141219000936

Not good I'm afraid. It's mostly exaggeration and poorly thought out scenarios. There's also a lot of sloppy writing.

For example, saying "anyway" at the beginning of a paragraph after your family was murdered is way too casual.

Another example is "He had a mask on like nothing in those movies I have ever seen before". Seriously? You can't just describe the mask? That's the laziest thing ever.

And "I then ran like hell to the door and ran almost a mile away as possible". I don't believe you thought that was an acceptable sentence. I think you rushed and didn't really read it over to make sure everything made sense.

It's also incredibly odd that the protagonist would survive with the injuries you described. Another odd thing is that they built a basement. It's extremely rare to put in a basement after a house has already been built. And don't you think one person vomitting is enough? At least use a synonym.

The ending is the worst part. "I was watching Pokemon on TV"... who cares what you were watching? And why is your family in the closet? Total nonsense. And it comes on way too quickly.

I understand this is your first creepypasta, but at least put more thought and care into what you're writing. For this type of story, the reader needs to connect with the characters and the plot/exposition needs to make sense. It also needs more details, and more genuine reactions from the protagonist. A lack of motivation for the villain is tough to pull off, so you need to rely on those other things more heavily. If you are really deticated to this story then I hope this will help you make it better.