Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25399365-20140908172513/@comment-25394259-20140908224844

This has a pretty good premise, but if the doctor is in a panic, frantically blubbering out whatever last words he has on his mind, he should be written like it. He starts telling us how he is probably going to die soon, and then he casually explains the experiment in detail. He also directly quotes his daughter and himself, when he should either have a vague memory of what was said or just convey the overall messege. Also, if the daughter is going to tell her dad she ate people in an indirect manner, it should be more along the lines of, "I'm hungry daddy. Those mean men and the friendly couple tried to help, but I'm still hungry. Help me daddy." Something more subtle would work better, if you're going to have her act innocent/play mind games with her father. Also, the phrase "gurgley slurping noises" grabbed me by the balls and pulled me right out of the experience.

TLDR; The tone should reflect the doctor's current situation better and the phrasing in dialogue and some other parts should be revised to add to the atmosphere the story is trying to build.