Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25462519-20140925115135/@comment-25558572-20140925165330

Let’s get to it.

“The following events are classified.” Classified by what? The government of the country where this is taking place? What exactly does “classified” mean here? If you could elaborate a little more on this, it would be a more effective opening, although anything to the effect of “What you are about to read is ____” is still a somewhat clichéd and ineffective way to open up a story.

How did Kyen enter the nuclear facility? Did he sneak in? Did he bribe or persuade the guards to let him through? This seems like a worrying plot hole right off the bat.

“…he could feel every centimetre of pain” doesn’t really make sense. A centimetre is a unit of measurement, so it shouldn’t be used to describe pain. A more accurate description is needed, such as “every pin and needle of pain” or “every inch of his body was on fire with agony”.

How is his body regenerating? Is this some kind of power he has, or does it have something to do with a chemical at the facility? Again, this needs to be explained. Leaving important reasons out of stories often kills the scare factor.

If someone was feeling pain for two days straight, every moment of those days, they would probably become at least somewhat desensitized to it. Imagine if you were too cold- if the temperature didn’t change at all and you weren’t in danger of freezing, you would probably gradually lose feeling of the coldness until it was just a weak sensation.

The third paragraph seems to be only exposition, which is generally used in the beginning of a story rather than towards the end. This might have done better as the introduction instead of skipping ahead to the scary scene straight away.

The last paragraph feels more rushed than the others, which is a more serious issue because the ending is the part you don’t want to gloss over. Otherwise, it leaves the reader feeling disappointed that they didn’t have a clear image of the ending and the story itself may seem incomplete.

<span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Once again, how did the other four make it inside the facility? And what does the last line mean? Did the others just die as well? “Everyone died” is usually a weak and predictable ending, perhaps more so than “he/she/it died because he/she/it killed him”. It’s overused and shows little creativity most of the time.

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Georgia","serif"">Overall, this wasn’t an awful story, but it feels like it needs to be fleshed out a lot more and reorganized. Put the background info (while keeping it to a minimum) at the starting points, then move on to the climax instead of having the action level drop midway through. If you rewrote this, I feel it could make a good pasta, because the idea was somewhat original and interesting. I would advise giving this another try with a rewrite before posting it.