Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25623211-20141107184522/@comment-24040907-20141110222008

Entropypersonified wrote:

Tyberzannisultra wrote:

Entropypersonified wrote: Also would like to thank anyone who takes time to honestly review this piece as I know it can be time consuming and tedious at time, but the end result is always worth it. Thanks and have fun reading the story :P it's a first draft right now so prepare for the worst. This is cute : )

If this is meant for creepypasta, I think it will be one of the very few superhero stories we have. The story was very frank, very simple, and starved of detail. I would like to know what the costume looked like, what kind of gadgets or powers Entropy has. Maybe you could go into detail on how he stopped 30 crimes in one night (So that's about 2.5 crimes per hour holy cow). Maybe we could even get some more backstory eventually.

As far as a "first night out", it has my interest. I hope you'll roll with it and keep the story going.

Concerning Grammar:

In paragraph 1 you wrote: "A clueless child with the combat experience, but lacking much. " Try changing that into "A clueless child with a lacking combat experience."

In paragraph 2 you wrote: "Where the f#€k are the criminals?" Go ahead, say the fuck word ;) But if you truly want to censor it, be my guest. I'll applaud your restraint.

In paragraph 4 you wrote: "Sure, I've done plenty horrible before this started, but seeing so many people capable of so much bad.." Please consider changing that to "Sure, I've done plenty horrible things before this started, but seeing so many people capable of so much evil was >mind-blowing< >breathtaking< >disappointing< >discouraging<" any one of those will do.

Rating 5.5/10 Also there average about 8.5 crimes per square mile in Chicago per night. Assuming he can run about 30 mile per hour with good stamina, account for time to disarm and knockout or tie up criminals and he likely took it easy for this first night even if some of those crimes went without notice. Although this statistic doesn't have a way to account for crimes the police might miss or bury and does account for crimes which already occurred.

Ah, when you put it like that it >windtunnel voice< blows me away! I'm just kidding, but my, my that is a lot of crimes. It must be a lot of work for the boys in blue down in the windy city, eh? It's a good thing they've got Entropy on their side xD