Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20150112025033/@comment-4849011-20150119011036

Hello! First off, this opened with a sense of mystery. Events unfold that make you wonder, "What is going on here?" and I don't mean that in a bad way. There were one or two things early on (like the Lontaqas attack) that initially made me think, "Things are happening too quickly," but then as I read further I felt that they were just part of the overall nature. It has the quality of a nightmare or a fairy tale, in which strange things happen suddenly and mysteriously.

I liked how descriptive this was, and the interactions between the characters brought to mind various folktales and fantasy novels. It's interesting to see the everyday lives of what we would call monsters. Who knew that some monsters were so uptight about cake? I also liked the expression "pale as a toad's belly," as well as the humorous touches. The part with Kes briefly considering making soup from the bones was gallows humor, but I thought it was amusing. I bet Bernie's glad she decided on something else!

I did notice some grammar mistakes, such as run-on sentences and lack of commas. Here's a list with some possible corrections.

Ch. 1
 * Going in, went straight upstairs." - "Going in, I went straight upstairs."
 * "At the top of these stairs was a door, upon opening it, I found it was built into this large oak tree" - "At the top of these stairs was a door. Upon opening it, I found it was built into this large oak tree," or "At the top of these stairs was a door; upon opening it, I found it was built into this large oak tree."
 * "Something then caught her eye, it seemed to a window in an oak tree. A wood framed six-pane window set in the side of the trunk of a very large oak tree" - "Something then caught her eye. It seemed to a window in an oak tree - a wood framed six-pane window set in the side of the trunk of a very large oak tree," or "Something then caught her eye; it seemed to a window in an oak tree - a wood framed six-pane window set in the side of the trunk of a very large oak tree."
 * "How very odd," she said to herself, "if there's a window there must be a room." - "How very odd," she said to herself. "If there's a window there must be a room."

Ch. 2
 * "She had a teapot without matching cups, the cups were smaller than she liked, but better than no cups at all." - "She had a teapot without matching cups. The cups were smaller than she liked, but better than no cups at all," or "She had a teapot without matching cups; the cups were smaller than she liked, but better than no cups at all."

Ch. 3
 * "In her mind, Miss Yarbro was an squinty-eyed crone with scraggly hair and long filthy nails." - "In her mind, Miss Yarbro was a squinty-eyed crone with scraggly hair and long filthy nails."
 * "Timothy shook his head. 'No definitely not a hermit,' he said." - "Timothy shook his head. 'No, definitely not a hermit,' he said."
 * "'More worse than the Jester's Head,' Timothy informed her." - "'Even worse than the Jester's Head,' Timothy informed her."
 * "'He's into more tidier rub outs'" - "'He's into much tidier rub outs'"
 * "'I think we ought find out more about this haunting.'" - "'I think we ought to find out more about this haunting.'"
 * "'I don't think it was due to old age, it still had a good set of teeth.'" "'I don't think it was due to old age. It still had a good set of teeth,'" or "'I don't think it was due to old age; it still had a good set of teeth.'"
 * "'Kes relax,' he said, as he disentangled himself from her claws." - "'Kes, relax,' he said, as he disentangled himself from her claws."

Ch. 4
 * "The tarnished doorknob turned freely, the door was not locked." - "The tarnished doorknob turned freely; the door was not locked," or "The tarnished doorknob turned freely. The door was not locked."
 * "She decided to take the umbrella with her just in case of sudden showers, also it could be used as a good deterrent against riffraff." - "She decided to take the umbrella with her just in case of sudden showers. Also, it could be used as a good deterrent against riffraff," or "She decided to take the umbrella with her just in case of sudden showers; also, it could be used as a good deterrent against riffraff."
 * “It doesn't matter, there aren't any bears around here." - “It doesn't matter; there aren't any bears around here," or “It doesn't matter. There aren't any bears around here."

Ch. 5
 * "He heard footsteps approaching, it sounded like two people." - "He heard footsteps approaching. It sounded like two people," or "He heard footsteps approaching; it sounded like two people."
 * "Bernie gave him a withering stare. "'Are you calling I'm a liar?'" - "Bernie gave him a withering stare. "'Are you calling me a liar?'" or "Bernie gave him a withering stare. "'Are you saying I'm a liar?'"
 * "The expression on his face grew quite fearsome, it was enough to have sent a basilisk running away in whimpering terror." - "The expression on his face grew quite fearsome. It was enough to have sent a basilisk running away in whimpering terror," or "The expression on his face grew quite fearsome; it was enough to have sent a basilisk running away in whimpering terror."
 * "Bernie looked at him curiously. 'What was that?" - "Bernie looked at him curiously. "'What was that?'"
 * "'Did anything weird happened while you were staying there last?' Darcy queried." - "'Did anything weird happen while you were staying there last?' Darcy queried."
 * "'Dude what are you doing?' said Darcy, eying him curiously." - "'Dude, what are you doing?' said Darcy, eying him curiously."

I hope this helps! I'm interested to see what happens next.