Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26393482-20150512174351/@comment-25825682-20150514180800

I usually like demon, god/godesses stories, but I don't know what to say about this yet. Aside from separating parts of the chapter into paragraphs by single spacing in Source mode (easier to read), fixing some grammar errors I saw reading it and the font choice made it hard to keep track for me. I suggest changing it to Times New Roman or something easier to read. Because this looks italic or something.

I can't change the font, but I'll point out the errors I saw on reading through and the suggestions will follow in sequence to the parentheticals.

In example: A (cats) jumped into (their).

I will put in suggestions like this, "cat,"... "there."

I'm sure there's more errors though that I missed...

1.)  They have always been tested in ways on how many spiritual souls (they have gathered in their bodies) reads better "They could gather in their bodies." 

'2.) 'Everyone supported her, (polite with her), and shall always be on her side (with any cost of danger) should be "were polite to her," and "no matter the cost of danger." 

3.) She (does) neither (support) nor loved Mika even though she is her little sister. "does," can be removed. "support," to supported. 

4.)  but, she always pushed Mika away or teaches her a lesson for interfering her. 

''-A not to line four, interfering with what exactly? I recommend changing (interfering) to "bothering."''

5.)  Things became worse during the next day; one of the highest ranks of the Darkness World came to the Heavens and has walked into the kingdom. As they (arrived) inside the Kingdom they have ask for a request. "arrive," fit there. 

''-A note th line five, personally I play video games, read mythology and other books and can't really believe a kingdom in heaven just lets the antagonistic party waltz in without a defense. You could say it lacks security, but it's still hard to believe. ''

6.) “Show us the Princesses(, so that anything cannot be harmed)”, said the Darkness soldiers. "so us the princess and nothing will get harmed." 

7.) Susuwa walked to the room slowly and saw the devil soldiers; they glared at her as (Susuwa approach to) the room. reads better as, " she came into." 



<span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">8.) <span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">she started opening her eyes wide and smiled (as like she was psycho) reads better as, " similar to a psycho," 

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;color:rgb(212,212,213);line-height:1.38;">''<span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">-A note for line eight, for the word "psycho," it's too straight forward and bland. Try describing a psycho by using description, rather than just saying "psycho." ''

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;color:rgb(212,212,213);line-height:1.38;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">9.) (Note, space this following sentence from the period before it)... <span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">The Demons began to scream and has fallen to the ground, as they fallen they have finally died by cold blood within Susuwa’s hands. 

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;color:rgb(212,212,213);line-height:1.38;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">10.) <span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Susuwa started to (felt) dizzy and (felt blur in her eyes), she finally gets down to the ground and blacks out, (as she blacked out) she begin to see terrified dreams that involves killing, screaming, terror, and darkness. 

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;color:rgb(212,212,213);line-height:1.38;">''<span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Should be "feel,"... "her vision started to blur,"... "while unconscious," (get's to the point better). ''

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;color:rgb(212,212,213);line-height:1.38;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">11.) <span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">She started to run away while (she is still trap) within her dreams, she screams louder and louder until her voice slowly fades, she tripped while someone grabbed her by the ankle. She turned and gasped, her eyes and mouth was wide open as she saw (other self) with whole black eyes (with) bloody tears flowing down on her cheeks 

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;line-height:1.38;"> ''Should be, "trapped,"... "herself,"... and "and." ''

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;line-height:1.38;"> 12.)  <span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">after that she (began to) grinned evilly with her eyes wide opened. 

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;line-height:1.38;">''<span style="font-size:16px;font-family:TimesNewRoman;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Remove "began to." ''

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;line-height:1.38;">I hope you really go over and edit this. Good luck :)