Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180531153309/@comment-25941663-20180604144859

Hi DrBobSmith. I am afraid your story does not meet our quality standards and was therefore deleted.

Even though you indeed have some nice imagery and visuals, and the idea of the afterlife is interesting, the story does not have much to offer apart from that, I'm afraid.

The main problem with the story is that it lacks identity.

Reading this feels like you were unsure about what story you wanted to tell. To me, it seems that you mainly wanted to focus on the idea of the afterlife. That is the core of the story. Unfortunately, at the same time, you are trying to tell the story of a gangster. While all the spanish and drug lingo and what not would fit greatly in a story about a Latino gangster, they do not fit with the main idea of your story (the afterlife). This makes the story feel bipolar, with two sides struggling for control of the narrative. Ask yourself this: Why would the name of a Spanish song ("Cuerno de Chivo") appear in a story about the afterlife? You can ask this of pretty much anything else in the story and the answer is "It does not fit". When telling a story, especially a short one, focus on one stream. You tried to focus on two different ideas and ended up with something mediocre.

Also, since the core of the story is the idea of the afterlife, you have to make the reader think. The character does not matter in philosophical stories like this one, but you are focusing on him a lot, giving information about his past every now and again. That works against the story. Again, you are telling a story about what the afterlife is, but you throw in a character unrelatable to most of the readers. This leaves the reader confused as to what he should focus on. One sentence it's the afterlife, the next one it's this gangster's life. So, not only do you not get the chance to flesh out your main idea, but you also write a lot about a character most readers do not care about.

There is a reason why in philosophical writings you do not get random characters. They take away from the ideas themselves. Add to your character only the components that will work towards emphasizing the ideas. The character's drug-filled past has nothing to do with the afterlife, so it does not fit here.

To synopsise, when writing a short story remember to focus only on plots you can control. Here you tried to do too much and ended up with a sub-par story. Either write about what the afterlife is, or write about the gangster. Adding both to the mix is very tricky.