Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25777972-20141128213220/@comment-25665684-20141129001318

Interesting idea, I think, but you definitely could have handled it better.

Second-person narratives are always a longshot, but I think it makes sense with this story. However, I think you took too long to get to the actual narrative of the pasta; that is, the part about the guy coming home from work. You take two paragraphs to vaguely try to explain a state of mind most of your readers are undoubtedly somewhat familiar with. Saying, "Maybe the logic is missing" doesn't really make sense.

Dude, your punctuation needs a lot of work. Two things stuck out to me. First, if you've got an exclamation mark or question mark at the end of a character's speech or thoughts, you don't need a period after the quotation marks. If there's a "?" at the end of something, that's the end of the sentence. Only if words come after the exclamation point or question mark do you put a period. Here's some examples:

''"I think I lost my hat!" she exclaimed. Or''

''"Did you really buy me a car?" he asked his dad.''

Secondly, make a space between sentences and after commas. If you don't, it kind of strains the reader's eyes and makes the story literally hard to look at. You also need to start a new paragraph every time a different character talks.

You've got a few spelling and grammar errors. A few I notice right off the bat are misspelling negation and using "more important" in lieu of "more importanly". And there's an h in which.

Lastly, I think you should try to make then ending creepier. Nothing scary is going on until the very last sentence. It comes way too quickly to really freak the reader out. You need to really let it set in that something isn't right in the guy's house, something unnatural or dangerous.

Like I said, second-person stories are tricky. When I posted mine on this board for review a few weeks ago, though, people said it worked well. It actually has a similar setup to yours; maybe you could look at it and get a few pointers. It's here. Please review it if you do happen to take a look.

If you revise and edit, this could be a pretty good story. Good luck.