Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26527257-20150624191332/@comment-26007602-20150625190138

I understand your intention with this story; you want to paint a picture of an ordinary man and have him turn out to be a secret serial killer. That's a nice premise, but it doesn't excuse the fact that this story is incredibly boring. It's someone describing their day which just doesn't make for thrilling literature. I don't even know this person's name; why should I care about their day to day activities?

The plot twist can be seen from a mile away which really hurts the story because the filler in between is known by the reader to be pointless. I know this person is going to turn out to be the killer (because it's the only character in the story), so I know that a description of this person's day will be meaningless. If you want this premise to work, you need to focus on something else, expand the story, and don't hide the plot twist "primer" in the first paragraph. This also needs a proofread of sorts as the grammatical errors are quite noticeable and also detract from the story. Put this in Word or read it out loud to get a sense of what I mean.

If you want an example of this premise, check out Stephen King's short story, The Man Who Loved Flowers. He doesn't focus on this character's day to day life, instead focusing on his "young love" and painting an optimistic environment. When the twist comes, the reader is caught off guard. I'm not saying copy King's idea, just wanted to show you this premise put into action.