Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26876932-20160306202042/@comment-24101790-20160308050440

Run-ons/redundancies: "We were living in McAllen for 10 years, because when I was born in Houston, TX, my parents moved to McAllen in December 2004, because McAllen was closer than Brownsville, and the house in McAllen costed less at the time (According to my knowledge, the mortgage in McAllen has gone up).", "The music inside is probably loud enough to damage their ears. They have it loud enough to be heard from outside of their building. It’s so loud, it can even wake me up while I try to nap." Describing the loudness of the music three separate times really comes off as padding. "Not because I had no motive to stare at the house, but because I noticed that many people around Cedar Street say that weird stuff happens on 315 Cedar Street.", "I noticed the last sentence, and that made me realize maybe I’m not the only one who realizes what has happened on that house.", "I celebrated the holidays twice here, celebrated coming back from vacation here, celebrated Thanksgiving three times here, and even celebrated becoming a Brony here." Avoid re-stating objects/verbs multiple times in a sentence.

Punctuation issues: A number of sentences are missing punctuation. "I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened if I went with her", "I just got more and more frightened when thinking about what could have happened if she got me", etc.

Wording issues: "The apartment costed (cost) over 1,600 dollars a month.", "The uncle who is the son of my granparents (grandparents)", "But the lady got closer and closer and when she got closest, she leaded on the wire door.", "I felt so creeped out, I knew I just had to inside.", "I saw that the wire door to was now", "She then procceded to hit me with her car.", etc. There are quite a lot of these. I would strongly suggest proof-reading this again as these were all in the first chapter but present through-out the story.

Story issues: There are a lot of extraneous points here that have little to no impact on the story. "My grandpa came in the room, and began to talk to me about boring topics like politics and the United States government (he’s always talking about that). He then left after he told me that my mom was in the backyard feeding their dogs.", "I washed my hands (I had to help cook dinner) and went back to the kitchen for a short conversation. My mother and my grandmother talked about boring lady gossip, and after that, I got bored" Lines like this really don't help build tension in any way and tend to actually diffuse any attempt at story building but diverting focus.

Story issues cont.: The story really jumps around a lot and doesn't flow very well with the random points peppered in. "Now, let me get to where I was at in this story before I cut off on 303 Cedar Street and its history. " As you are writing all of these entries after the fact, they need to really be fleshed out. Some days are just a sentence long and don't really add much to the story. Couple that with the play-style approach to dialogue in the second chapter and you have an awkward approach to telling the story. (Especially since a lot of the lines are garbled/incomprehensible.)

Final review: There is a lot of work to be done here. As it stands, I started reading this story earlier today, took a break, and came back and really struggled reading through the rest of it due to the story issues listed above. A majority of the issues I pointed out were found in the first chapter, but they extend throughout the entire story. The frequent wording, punctuation, and how the story is told really weigh down everything quite a bit. If it were posted in its current form, I would likely mark this for review or delete it. I'm sorry, but this needs drastic revision and re-working.