Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25612295-20150325175932/@comment-26245764-20150326045035

Mostly excellent writing. Here are a few areas where it was somewhat weaker:

"I liked my work as a janitor there; well, at least, I liked it better than washing dishes at the diner every night, back at the town where I lived"- "the town where I lived" is so vague that it adds no information. Of course he works a part time job in the town where he lives. Either name the town here, or change it to "back in town" if you want to emphasize that Cedar is outside of the town.

"I was so naïve. If I had kept my old job in town and never visited that place, I would still be living a peaceful life.

I was in college, studying psychology, and had been renting a nearby house with a couple of friends for the past two years. Life had been simple. Then I applied for the job at Cedar Specialist and my life was slowly turned upside-down. "- It's not really naive to have taken this job, unless Cedar has a reputation as being shady or something. Also, I'm reading a story on a creepypasta wiki. I don't need to be told twice in as many paragraphs that spooky shit is going to go down.

"Like I said, I had never seen him before."- Don't remind the reader of something you originally told them six lines ago.

"Looking more closely at the form that slowly continued down the hall, I now noticed a small curve, a dent, near the back of his head, on the left side of the skull. He had suffered some sort of accident."- The conclusion of such a short, mundane mystery shouldn't be sitting as its own sentence separate from the clue like that. Try "A small dent on the back left side of his skull told me that he'd suffered an accident."

"Hence the controversy that surrounds whether or not PVS victims are, in reality, trapped – still conscious – in their own bodies."- Sentence fragment. Merge it with the previous sentence.

"The rest of the Eccleston died"- Eccelestons, plural.

"Displacing my aversion to Keir on Patricia’s overdramatic tale"- This is an incorrect use of "displacing," and there's no real reason to be creeped out by a guy who suffered a fall, then went catatonic from learning his family was dead. Perhaps change it to "Getting over the shock of finding a man in a dark storage room,"

You also have a slight tendency to be needlessly wordy, which you may want to look out for. For example "as I continued to follow it" when you hadn't mentioned following it previously. "as I followed it." would work. Similarly, " I was becoming increasingly confused" could be replaced with "I was confused" without losing any real information.

