Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29174113-20160720052335/@comment-24101790-20160720055046

Perhaps actually asking for help would be better that complaining. I added the story so people can read it and notice the issues. There are quite frankly a lot of issues present with wording, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, and story issues. I would suggest carefully reading your story to yourself and revising it next time as these problems are present throughout. Starting with the basics first though, indenting paragraphs can cause a white box to appear that obscures the text. Despite it being correct, indenting on a wiki format causes formatting issues.

Numerous typos: "I felt her poke the needle in me one last time then tying the not (knot) behind me eye and fabric.", "Following a pink star on my other hear (ear)", "She flipped my face other my other side and started to sow (sew) my sides together", "I barely fit inter (into) her hand and she seemed happy with me which made me feel happy.", " wait a second that was the bag that bastered boy was wearing before he tossed it to the floor to put his hands on her." etc. Please proof-read your story as there are dozens of typos/misspellings here.

Awkward wording: "I'm so excited to see what she'll do to me next, after that eye was finish (finished) she started to stitch in a heart onto my ear.", "The girl I knew who was always creating always studying was barely here and when she is she's only in the early morning and late at night.", "Months has (have) passed now, and I learned Creator's name is Jenny, ", "I climbed out of his bag and looked around, wow this boy's room in a mess, clothes all over the floor with trash and books spewed everywhere", etc. Overly complex sentences that should be broken into two sentences. "I found out I was a green bunny doll with black buttons for eyes, interesting really, I never thought I was a doll, I always thought I was something else, I don't know what but it was something else."

Punctuation: Punctuation missing from sentences and dialogue. "I then feel her sow me closed and she smiled at me(.)", ""Patty, Patty the rabbit(comma missing) " she whispered." You also forget to properly apostrophize possessive words. "Later that night I was at that boy(')s house now" You leave out a lot of necessary commas. "It only moved a tiny bit a centimeter at the least," "wait a second that was the bag that bastered boy was wearing", "it was no use I couldn't do anything to it."

Capitalization: "kid!" so... his name is Max.", "cried, "he's (He's) gone Patty... Max is gone... and I miss him so much."", "I screamed in pain as my eyes started to melt as i turn into black smoke.", etc. Remember that you need to capitalize proper nouns, the start of sentences, and the start of dialogue.

Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were. There are a number of times when you switch between human anatomy and doll materials. "she started to put away all her materials, including skin, veins, guts, and eyes." especially when contrasted here "It made my stuffing boil as he laid her on the bed" it makes it seem like you didn't devote a lot of time to making the story mesh. Why describe all these things when it's revealed that the doll only has felt skin, stuffing, and stitches?

Story issues cont.: You have a tendency to not keep your story in past tense. "I climbed out of his bag and looked around, wow this boy's room in a mess, clothes all over the floor with trash and books spewed everywhere" and " I jumped out of his window getting caught into a thorn bush, I try my hardest to pull out, but I ripped my sides and now my ear with the star is barely hanging on." As the doll is relating these events after occurring once they've been resolved, your tenses need to reflect that.

Story issues end: There are more issues here, but I think I'll just focus on the story itself. The plot is pretty generic. The story of dolls coming to life and murdering someone has been done a lot and this really isn't too original. It feels rushed towards the end and when it's revealed that the doll can talk ("I say "H-how....c-can....I-I h-help-p," I felt her froze (sic)") it only raises more questions. Why hasn't she tried to talk up to this point? In fact, why hasn't she revealed herself to Jenny at all during this multiple month period? She seems fairly naive in these matters ("This red goo started to leak from him." Despite describing skin, veins, guts, etc. How doesn't she know about blood?) This story doesn't really feel like a lot of time was put into writing it and the numerous issues present throughout give the story a rushed feel.