User:Hugh Fokker

Me? Not much to say. I do creative writing on the side. I used to do a lot of stories and more in High School. I just started writing again. Trying to see if the stuff I write has any draw or if I should forget about it. I am a chronic insomniac plagued by nightmares and night terrors. Sleep is my enemy and that will be reflected in some of my writing.

I am into computers, cars, welding, motorcycles, and more. Hate it when stories get basic facts wrong and ruin them. Seen too many where the person writing misses basic things they are using. If you write a story about technology, have a basic bloody idea about how it works.

Yeah, I will call out an example here:

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_Other_Network

A shrill ‘bleep’ startled me. I’d left the CMD drive open, after testing my connection. It was notifying me of an echoed ‘ping’. I re-opened the window and, sure enough, I had been pinged. Moments later, a second ping popped-up on the feed. A different source, though: the I.P address was listed beside the notification. As far as we know, that building is the only one with a connection to ‘the Network’, meaning that they hadn’t come from this side. As I tried to grasp what was happening, a third ping appeared. Something clicked inside my head, and I felt my stomach turn. I had grasped, blindly, into the unknown, and now the unknown was grasping back. People from this ‘other world’ had felt my clumsy investigations, and were, in-turn, investigating us.

---===end===---

Sorry bub, but let us dissect a few MAJOR errors in this.

CMD PROMPT not drive. - Minor... but annoying.

You know the term ping, good, but you have never actually run the command or know what it is... Here is what happens when you ping:

ping 127.0.0.1

Pinging 127.0.0.1 with 32 bytes of data:

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Reply from 127.0.0.1: bytes=32 time<1ms TTL=128

Ping statistics for 127.0.0.1:

Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 4, Lost = 0 (0% loss),

Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:

Minimum = 0ms, Maximum = 0ms, Average = 0ms

This is a ONE-direction test and unless you have a second software package to detect your computer being pinged... you get NO NOTIFICATION of being pinged.

So, rewriting this paragraph to reality, especially for a stripped down laptop with a bare bones install as listed:

(Ok, what caused this? It wasn't a ping or the CMD prompt.) I’d left the CMD  drive  Prompt open, after testing my connection. It was notifying me of an echoed ‘ping’. (Sorry, incapable of doing that) I re-opened the window and, sure enough,  I had been pinged  nothing changed. Moments later,  a second ping popped-up on the feed  nothing still changed... A different source, though: the I.P address was listed beside the notification. As far as we know, that building is the only one with a connection to ‘the Network’, meaning that they hadn’t come from this side. As I tried to grasp what was happening,  a third ping appeared  still nothing changed. Something clicked inside my head, and I felt my stomach turn. I had grasped, blindly, into the unknown, and now the unknown was grasping back. People from this ‘other world’ had felt my clumsy investigations, and were, in-turn, investigating us.

Ok, so revised the guy is delusional and insane and suffering from a mental break or psychosis. He is hallucinating or just crazy. Sorry dude, you lost your hook. Other problem is the plug the author describes connecting to is a phone jack, not a computer jack and without a dial in number, a modem will not connect that way. Cat 5 cable was around in 1995, and VERY common in 2000 so use it, don't try and date something by using wrong tech. It was a standard. Same jack we use today for networking. Seriously, if you use technology as the driving force of your story, understand the technology you use in your story. If it was not for the major flaws in the tech, this would have been a great story. But the flaws due to lack of knowledge on the subject matter mean this author ruined his material... At least for me. Sorry accuracy in detail is what makes a good story.

I apologize to Steven Shorter for calling him out here, but I will review his piece eventually. Possibly offer a re-write that actually matches technology... Even the install from the other side could have been done without the user's knowledge, if they so choose. See the install of some of the modern spyware/malware. Strangely the remote control software that took over his machine was stealthily installed... 2000 era laptop has minimal chance of having a camera, and on a clean install the most detail they could have gotten from our world is: OS and browser used, and any other applications installed.

This was supposed to be about me, and I analyze another's story. I am sorry, but that is how I am. I want scary stories to be based in reality. To be the kind of story that shows a fundamental knowledge of the story. When I wrote in High School, I would study up on a subject before I wrote about it. Then, the details would match reality and the reader would not be shocked out of the story telling because a basic flaw in the detail. Details matter. The world your story takes place in matters. Your character's life matters. Details, it is all about details.

Here is a story that does most of the details correct. It is well done and I applaud the author for keeping the context real.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Footsteps#Footsteps

Stuff like this can happen, and chance, fate, or whatever can drive stories. One random event can cause endless horror. That is what makes a great story. Honestly, I would love to see the author of footsteps do 2 things with the story: 1) Flush it out... Which I read in one of the reviews he has done. I may look for that book. 2) Re-splice the stories into chronological order and make it all be from the main character's perspective... And then his discussions with his mother as she fills in the blanks after screen... And finally her mother calling him over, shaking and distraught telling him the final chapter. It goes from a kid afraid and scared he did something wrong all the time trying to hide his horror to the lead weight of reality crawling in on what that was. Instead of short stories of an adult remembering interconnected patches of childhood, play out a story of the explorer, the fearless adventurer and his best friend searching for whatever was happening. Only to find out after Screens that he was so close to being kidnapped and killed most of his life. The dread of it all rolling in at once. The crushing weight of the fact he caused all of those wrongs by breaking the rules... Even though it was not him acting, but the rules were to keep him safe...

Oh well, I have written a lot and most was about others... Now you know how my mind works. Often that dear reader is worth more than a bio about some guy typing at a computer. Glancing over his shoulder as he hears a clicking even when the keys are not being pressed... That sound is getting louder now. Maybe that sound is just in my head. Maybe it is something worse. But it is closer now. And keys clicking on a computer should not be moving. Why is it getting closer?