Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29655694-20160816165622/@comment-28266772-20160817134357

So my first problem is that this is way too long...

Joking.

Obviously my usual method of review won't really work with this but I'll try any way.

1) Mechanical issues - I have one main issue here and it's the order of the words "almost every-day sleeps". It's awkward and slow and is the reverse of the expected order i.e. "7 years old Victoria sleeps almost every-day". I feel as though this makes more sense because it pairs the subject and the action together in a more natural way.

2) Style issues - Uh... not really any haha. It's short enough to evoke a simple and effective 'style'. It works, and is functional and has an almost 'fairy tale' like quality to it.

3) Plot issues - So here's the obvious problem. What you've created is what could be best summed up as "an experiment". It's clear that you've tried to squeeze as much as possible into as short a space as possible and with that in mind I'm impressed at what you've done. But as a standalone story--not just as a quirky novelty--there's not much to it. It's fun and effective and I commend the skill necessary to pull it off it's just there's not much else to be said about it.

Where to go from here?

Well fuck knows if this would be accepted *shrugs*. You could contact an admin and ask them about the rules regarding super micropastas like this one. Even if they make it clear that it wouldn't be accepted they could at least direct you to another site that specialises in shorter stories.

Other than that I recommend you put your skills to use on something much much meatier. The skill necessary to make a sentence an effective story is considerable, and it'd be nice to see that skill demonstrated via a more substantial story.

I hope to see you posting here again.