Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180613055407/@comment-5733573-20180613154827

It's an okay story, with generally decent execution apart from a few grammatical errors. I can tell you have a good handle on grammar, so just making a second proofreading pass will be all you need for that. I also like the narrator's voice and style. He's a likable fellow.

What keeps this story from being good instead of just okay is that some of the scenes feel too disconnected from each other. This could be helped if you make it clearer that Dr. Wong was attacked by the same man who killed Wilhemsen in the bathroom. And, by that, I mean give us a bit more of a connection between the two incidents than just the hammer wound. Maybe you can find a way to bring the "it's fun" in sooner. Perhaps someone can hear Dr. Wong saying it before he loses consciousness? It doesn't have to be exactly that, but something like it would help the story to feel more internally connected.

I sort of like it more and more as I keep mulling it over. With just a little bit more internal connection and a second proofreading pass, I think it would be just fine.

Oh, one last thing, I see what your thinking is with the Mental Illness category, but I don't think it fits there. The story doesn't really revolve around mental illness. It's really just an element of your story.