User blog comment:Hsshall/PASTA WAS DELETED?!/@comment-25036236-20140609030320/@comment-10950063-20140609035215

All right, let's look at the start of your story:

"I was driving home one day when I got a call from my friend Jeremy's wife. She was crying, like, REALLY crying. I asked her what was wrong, she told me Jeremy committed suicide!

"WHAT?!" I yelled, but she just said, "He mailed you a gift before he did it. *sniff* See what it is, it's the reason to why he killed himself." then she hung up. "

All right, so Jeremy's wife is crying. You want to really hammer home how distressed she is, so you tell that she's, like, REALLY crying. As opposed to someone, like, playing a sound clip of someone crying? Why don't you actually DESCRIBE how she sounds? Next, the MC gets told that his friend is dead. His reaction? Surprise. Nothing else. No mention of any emotion.

This dialogue is improperly punctuated and formatted.

The stuff the wife says is ridiculous. "Hey, the person I loved kill himself, why don't you check out this thing that made him do it?" Does she know what it is? It kind of sounds like she doesn't, otherwise why would she want him to see what it is? HOW DOES SHE KNOW HE SENT IT TO HIM?

So, the MC goes home and there's the letter. When did this guy kill himself? If they live in the same city, it would still take a day. The logistics here are weird.

Next, we have a bunch of sentences that read like an outline of things happening. No reactions from the MC, no thoughts about his dead friend or curiosity about what his wife said. There's nothing. Nothing to evoke imagery, nothing to engage the readers.

Let's get in depth again with the next part:

" The video closed. I didn't know what to think of that. The next day, I let my other friend borrow the flash drive.

"What is this?" he asked me.

"I received this from Jeremy before he commited suicide." I replied.

Later, I got a visit from the police. "

He doesn't know what to think of it. . .That doesn't make for a good story. Again, no reactions. This guy doesn't do or feel or think anything. He is a character in the loosest sense of the word. He's a repreated pronoun in a bunch of text. Then, FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON he lets someone borrow the flash drive. Why does he do this? Aside from the fact that it's how you continue the story. Why does the other friend ask what it is? I'm assuming he asked to borrow a flash drive. Or, did the MC just throw this suicide USB to his friend.

And then that's just over. Conversation is done, scene is complete. It feels like you didn't finish writing it.

The MC gets questioned by the police. AGAIN, no reaction. No reaction to being confronted by police or hearing his friend killed himself. You keep describing things as demonic. What does mean? That's a meaningless adjective. What do demons sound like? The video is blandly described (and perfectly timed) gore that feels really tired.

I get the feeling the video is disturbing, because you told us it was twice in the same paragraph. Instead of doing that, instead of telling us, just show us. Make us feel the MC's revulsion and unease.

" Then, for the final minute, it showed the man being tortured, e.g. being burned, cut, smash by rocks, then he finally died. "

Well, that's a lot to happen in a minute. Also, why do you keep glossing over everything. That's all you do. You rattle off things that happen, but it's like a summary. It's especially egregious right here.

"The police came in when I started screaming. They questioned what I saw, and they watched it themselves."

. . .What? The police left the room? Why did they do that? Why didn't they just watch it with him?

This is where the story becomes borderline incomprehensible. Where the hell is the MC? Is he at the police station? Is he at home? Either way, what happens next doesn't make any sense. If he's at the police station why is there a knife just laying there? If he's at home why are there cops hanging out? The character is haunted by the Japanese text. Does he know what it says, because I don't. I don't know why it would be haunting. And we never find out. We never find out what it says. Why is this in the story? AND THE MAIN CHARACTER DOESN'T KNOW EITHER. It's effectively gibberish to him. Why is it haunting?

"OH GOSH!!! WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?!"

This is dialogue you wrote for a doctor.

WHY DOES THE MC HAVE THIS FLASH DRIVE? It's evidence. The police should have it. Even if they didn't, he was taken to the hospital. Did he slash up his arms and then put the flash drive in his pocket?

" I heard her say some expressional things towards the disturbing video. "

. ..

Then, more nonsense follows. The MC saves some things from this whole ordeal, but others get deleted by the police, but the police let him keep the flash drive which has everything on it anyway.

The doctor comes by for a completely pointless scene. More glossing over, character conveniently forgets things so you don't have to describe or think of anything.

"You can never find anything about that flash drive. EVER."

I literally laughed out loud at this. That's not good.

"All of the files on the flash drive were gone except for the slaughter fest video after I received the drive again from Charles' borrowing of it. I tried to forget that flash drive ever since I tossed it away in the sewers."

What?

And then it just ends. Then it's just over. Nothing of consequence happens.

So, to sum everything up, your story doesn't meet quality standards because:

-There is no plot

-There is no effective description

-Most of it doesn't make sense