Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150104021947/@comment-25941663-20150110104418

First of all, I have to say I liked the story and the atmosphere. Your pasta radiated a Lovecraftian vibe and this is almost always a good thing. The sense of mystery and suspense made me want to read every paragraph with excitement. Maybe add a bit more background on the characters to flesh them out more. Also, you throw too many names without giving them proper roles and that becomes distracting (do we really need to know the names of Alexander's parents?).

Having said that, at times your pasta was hard to read. Some of the phrasing is off and at times the action seems awkward to say the least. For example, near the beginning you write: 'deciding to ignore the leak'. Maybe I am wrong, but you don't decide to ignore something, you just ignore it. Later you write: 'He could not see his feet so he decided to leave his room and wait downstairs'. This is a better use of the verb 'decide', but still it is redundant. I have more examples of weird phrasing at the end of the post.

Other than that, you use the word 'murky' too much. Consider using alternatives from time to time. Also, you use the exclamation mark ('!') a bit excessively. Most of the time a simple period would do ('.').

Storywise, you story could have been a bit better. You write: 'explaining in magnificent detail the history of the lighthouse'. Why write that instead of giving us the history of the lighthouse itself? It could have been much, much more interesting.

You sometimes have some illogical plotholes too. Like, how would they be let down the cellar after a murder was commited there? It doesn't make any sense.

The story could have been much better if it was more adequately edited. And as Zann said before me, you jump from scene to scene too fast and at times you leave the reader confused at what is actually happening.

Overally, the story is interesting and at times even scary. It is a shame that you are let down by technical issues.

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Phrases to edit:

'a black mist followed close to him' - I don't understand if this is literal or not.

'They saw the cluttered antiques, but soon night began to fall' - Too sudden.

'as if from one voice!' - It doesn't make any sense. Consider dropping the phrase altogether.

'Her first thought was to leave it, but whether it was curiosity or intellectual indulges, she did not know. She relied on intellectual indulges and put the phone in her purse.' - What do you mean 'intellectual indulges'? The way you repeat 'intellectual indulges' makes the sentence feel forced.

'On Sunday, Alexander decided to call Igia today' - When exactly did Alexander call? On Sunday or today? Or today=Sunday? Any way it is, you should fix it. Maybe try: 'On Sunday, Alexander decided to call Igia' or something like that.

'the old English, alcove door' - What makes a door English? Its manners?

'the louder the wretched, murky noise became. Hearing only his footsteps splash in the sheets of water' You describe a sound and then you say that the only sound he can hear is his footsteps.