Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28344087-20160530230414/@comment-24101790-20160530232814

Starting with the basics, this really needs to be broken into paragraphs. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences long. Over that, the text comes off as blocky. Under that and it looks anemic/like you're artificially making the story seem longer by adding in spaces. You also need to space out dialogue so two speakers are never in the same paragraph.

Wording: "Lighting (sic) buzzed down." As you're implying force and suddenness with the thunder, you likely want to choose a word more evocative than 'buzz'. There are a lot of typos here: "Jade, was appose (supposed) to be babysitting her for two weeks", "Music was sigtly played.", "a craoked and scrawny voice", etc. "This is my pack of friends, and its (it's) time to make you join us." It's=it is, its=possession.

Repetition: Avoid re-stating names after already identifying the subject. "Luna tried to scream for help, but the skin around her mouth only stretched, about to rip, but Luna kept on screaming for her sister." Punctuation issues: You forget to use apostrophes on a number of contractions ("It couldnt have been Jade", "it hasnt spoke in a while", etc.) and also misuse periods in dialogue "we'll have to check you first." chuckled Celestial Arrow", ""I guess we have to hurry up with this before the teenagers come"", etc.

Awkward wording: I would strongly suggest reading this aloud to yourself as there are a lot of instances of awkward/clunky wording. "Music was silty played", "She saw Celestial Arrow, the stuff animal smiling, holding a dagger that her father downstairs, out of reach for her.", "Luna tried to run, but the door was slammed close", etc.

Story issues: The story feels very rushed and the idea of a doll/toy sewing the mouths of its victims shut has been used quite a lot. There are also quite a lot of plot issues here. If there is a party going on at the house, how come no one is hearing the girl's mutilation? You really gloss over a lot here and it makes the story not very involving to the audience. (For example: "Oh, about your other toys. You see, I have special friends. That was Midnight Pooly, but that's really important.") Where did all of these other toys come from and why exactly is the toy named Celestial Arrow? It seems like an odd choice.

I'm sorry but there's a lot of work to be done here and since the premise has been covered a number of times, the story is going to need a lot of fleshing out and character development if you're to break free from the cliches/overused tropes that'll likely weigh it down. Currently it is not up to quality standards and would likely be deleted if posted.