Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160506143219/@comment-25569708-20160519060635

Okay, sorry for the wait Jake888. I read the entire thing over, and I definitely have some things to say about it. Before I begin listing the errors present in your story, however, I should note that a lot of the same mistakes I pointed out in my first review are still here. This is especially true in the second half of the story. I would very strongly urge you to proofread your work more. To tell you the truth, you should be proofreading everything not after every new draft, but after every sentence, and multiple times. I tell you this because proofreading really is one of the most important aspects to being a writer, and so that I won't have to keep pointing out the same errors again and again. Anyways, here are the errors in your story:

"The numbers just got worst from there" should be "The numbers just got worse from there"

"After a month of the same complaints form the same clients" should be "After a month of the same complaints from the same clients"

"your mothers doctor" should be "your mother's doctor"

"my mothers house" should be "my mother's house"

"forty-eight year old women" should be "forty-eight-year-old woman"

"my mothers doctor" should be "my mother's doctor"

"your mothers health" should be "your mother's health"

"Insomnia" and "Nausea" do not need to be capitalized.

"The doctor put a arm on my shoulder" should be "The doctor put an arm on my shoulder"

"to my mothers door" should be "to my mother's door"

"That all the time you spent with that was for nothing" should be "That all the time you spent with them was for nothing"

"effecting more of the world" should be "affecting more of the world"

"a idea struck me" should be "an idea struck me"

"I was merely a intern" should be "I was merely an intern"

"so we did not disturb any one" should be "so we did not disturb anyone"

"sick people we can examine" should be "sick people we could examine"

"I decided on doing what I pledged my life to do" should be "I decided on doing what I had pledged my life to do"

"I just could not bare imaging people yelling" should be "I just could not bare imagining people yelling"

"I though hard" should be "I thought hard"

"he Immediatly called us" should be "he Immediately called us"

"and a extreme cough" should be "and an extreme cough"

"a MRI" should be "an MRI"

"I worked so hard just to make things worst" should be "I worked so hard just to make things worse"

"I was ecstatic when that distributed" should be "I was ecstatic when it was distributed"

"once emerald grass" should be "once-emerald grass"

"country side" should be "countryside"

"But I learned this was better when I had my first confrontation" should be "But I learned that this was better after I had my first confrontation"

"a glock" should be "a Glock"

Alright, now I'll move onto to awkwardly-worded sentences/other various things:

"I am writing this diary in hopes that any who may find it in the near to late future will be enlightened as to how the world turned into a desolate, and harsh wasteland housing a few sparse survivors, who either lost their mind and morality, or turned to hiding, and scavenging for food and water supplies." This is a choppy run-on sentence that could benefit from being broken up. Also, "lost their mind" should be "lost their minds".

"My last hope of redeeming myself from the things I've done to destroy the planet lay in recounting the events that led to an apocalypse, and hoping that, if humanity rebuilds itself in the proceeding centuries, people will learn from my folly and preclude such a horrific event from happening." Another run-on sentence, and "lay" should be "lays".

"The News was filled with reports of overflowing hospitals and all the patients reported the same symptoms." "News" does not need to be capitalized unless it is an actual news station, a la "CNN News".

"in the form of a death sentence". I'm not sure "death sentence" would be the correct term here. I think "death prognosis" would be better.

"“I'm afraid her cancer greatly weakened her and well... This hasn’t been made public, but news is spreading from doctor to doctor: the disease can be fatal if the afflicted is weak enough.”" "This" should be uncapitalized and that colon should be a semicolon.

"nothing can prepare you for the death sentence". Again, "death sentence" should probably be "death prognosis".

"I grasped her bony arm and wept for hours. Suddenly, she threw open her eyes...". Why did it take so long for her to suddenly wake up? Was she trying to scare her son?

"but I hoped the big story reporters made out of the death of my mother would come in handy." I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to convey, was his mom's death that big a deal that "big story reporters" came by? Was his mom somehow famous?

"Indeed, it did come in handy, since it was either sympathy or the two million dollars I inherited and access to a lot of research on the disease that me and the doctor I worked with had gathered that got people to join." This sentence is still an awkward run-on.

"We soon wore hazmat suits when examining the more advance cases in fear of catching this disease." Shouldn't have these super-smart scientists started doing this long ago? Working with any kind of diseased human corpse is extremely dangerous.

"on November 17th 2020 when we discovered the pestilence claims its unfortunate victims via transmission through bodily fluids and had a high chance to infect others". Should probably read "on November 17th, 2020, when we discovered that the pestilence claims its unfortunate victims via transmission through bodily fluids, and that it has a high chance to infect others"

"The bad thing was the article leading to bodies being burned, and to save time and trouble not all of them were dead, most were just dying. Do note, not all of these were legally preformed at crematoriums. I was mortified to see all these inhumane and horrid acts being preformed on innocent people because of our article, to which I have immensely contributed, meaning I was also the one who contributed to all the sentient beings being burned to ash." I like the stunning realization of this paragraph, but the language seems a little overly-dramatic. Also a run-on that should be broken up into separate sentences.

"I would have saved people from being forced to withstand the unholy agony of being burned alive! I would have saved people from living in fear of contracting this, now lethal, plague." Change those "would"s to "could"s. Those commas are also unneeded, just make "now lethal" into "now-lethal".

"-It's Bacterial

-It attacks lungs and immune system

-Immune to all know antibiotics except Amoxicillin which temporarily suppresses vomiting, but provides no long term effects." Instead of using dashes here, you could use asterisks (these things ---> ***) instead.


 * If you do that,


 * Lists will look...


 * ...like this.

"People got assaulted outside of pharmacies because people could not afford the remnants of the cure". Using "people" twice is redundant.

"I was fiddling with a used match, that I used to set the candle alight, out of boredom" The commas here are unneeded.

"The newspaper kindly told me that the new remedy is lethal. It takes a extensive period to kill" It "kindly" told him? Huh? And all this should be one sentence, so it reads "The newspaper told me the new remedy is lethal, and that It takes a extensive period to kill".

"but I had tons of canned food since I don't and didn't know how to cook any thing that has enough fibre and protein". Weird, awkward sentence.

"My mind was racing, as more bullets split into shrapnel, and ricocheted, and loud, hasty footsteps were heard by me." should be "My mind was racing as more bullets split into shrapnel and ricocheted, and loud, hasty footsteps were heard by me."

"but three precise shots earned me more ammo, a new gun, and supplies, along with a feeling of no remorse when it comes to murder." should be something like "but three precise shots earned me more ammo, a new gun, extra supplies, and a new feeling of remorselessness when it came to murder."

"Do NOT make the mistakes I made, please stray away from all that led the world to collapse, from all that shredded the definition of morals, from all that made horrendous acts of inhumanity a common practice among the sparse remainder of humanity." This is kind of a weirdly worded way to end the story, it should probably read something like "Do NOT make the same mistakes I made, please stray away from all that led the world to collapse, from all that shredded the definition of morals, and from all that made horrendous acts of inhumanity a common practice among the sparse remainder of mankind."

Okay, now let's finally talk about the story. I like how you cut out some certain stuff in the beginning, the whole story seems to move a bit smoother now. I also like the new dialogue about the protagonist being ashamed at the terrible world he accidentally made. These new things serve to further improve the story. Good work there.

However, some problems remain and a few new ones pop up. It is obvious that the narrator made a new "remedy" to combat the disease, but it is not really clear to me if he made it lethal on purpose. Not much rationale is given behind his making of the lethal drug, if indeed that's what he intended. Some clarification could really be given, even if you are trying to give little description towards the end. In the end, the plot still feels like it could use some work in the originality and twist department.

Unfortunately, the story's biggest problem seems to be its writing. Aside from all the errors/awkward sentences I have listed above, your story has a high amount of "purple prose". If you are unfamiliar with the term "purple prose", it means writing which has extravagant, sophisticated wording thrown into relatively simple writing structure. When it comes to your story, the entire tale uses mostly simple sentence structures (aside from the occasional complex sentences), but has a lot of sophisticated words thrown in. To name a few, "melancholy", "countenance", "sublunary", "ghastly", "scorching sun", "sentient beings", and "unholy agony". These words and phrases are quite high-tier language, but your story's writing style just does not match the high-class words you often use (I do not mean that as an insult). As a result, the story's flow just feels odd, stiff, and overly-descriptive. The entire story's writing could use some added work.

Okay, that's about all I have to say about this newest draft. I hope I helped you a bit with it! Just remember to make sure you proofread your writing more often, as it is very important as I have said. Good luck once again! =)