Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27123781-20151026212944/@comment-27123781-20151028035216

Umbrello wrote: Wow. I did not see that coming. I didn't quite understand at first, but then it clicked and my mind was blown. I was all set to criticize certain parts that didn't quite make sense, but then the ending put it all into context. I've seen the "narrator is really the monster" thing done in other pastas but somehow that didn't lessen the impact at all, which says a lot about the quality.

There's some technical issues here, mostly punctation related. First of all, the narrator's dialogue needs fixing. I'm not sure exactly what you should do since they are thinking one thing but making a totally different sound. Should it be spoken dialogue or inner dialogue? If it's techinically spoken then you should have a comma before the ending quotes. If you want it as inner dialogue then remove the quotes and put it all in italics, which is usually how inner dialogue is done.

On that note, why does the narrator think in english? Were they once human? They seem surprised at their own voice. It's not a criticism, I'm just curious.

Continuing with the errors, the first paragraph starts off with a run-on sentence. Make that first comma into a period. Also, since the first inner dialogue ends with a question mark, you can't really put a comma after it. I would use an em dash or just capitilize "the" so it's a whole new sentence. At the end of the first paragraph you need to change "falling" to "fell".

In the second paragraph, I recommend changing that first semicolon to a period. It's not wrong, but it's unnecessary which makes it a little stumbly.

This sentence needs work: I called out loudly, again my words twisted and contorted as they escaped my lungs leaving me with a sharp indecipherable shriek. This would be fine if that comma was a period. If you want it to be one whole sentence you have to change "twisted and contorted" to "twisting and contorting".

This comma should be either a period or a semicolon or it's a run-on sentence: The crying on the other side of the door stopped and was replaced with deafening silence, not so much as a fresh breath broke the air.

Here you use "again" three times. I would change the second one to something else like "once more" so it's not redundant: ''Standing to my feet I again groped the air, finding the door again. “This is the only way out” I muttered and again my voice betrayed thoughts, emanating a long low moan.''

I think this is a run-on as well, albeit a short one: Within moments a booming roar bellowed from the other side, it sounded hurt and angry. Maybe change to a semicolon?

This comma should really be a period: it was now or never, if I could make it past the little one I would be free.

In that same paragraph you need to change "the beasts chest" to "the beast's chest".

I also think you should put some kind of divider between the narrator and the ending when the perpective changes. It's a little jarring.

When you say "scissors in his chest," before the father's dialogue, you should use a period instead of a comma.

The son's dialogue should really end in an exclamation point and the last line shouldn't be in italics.

My last criticism is the title. It makes me think of that horrible song with the same name. Just my opinion, lol.

In conclusion, it's great. Just fix up the errors with puncuation and grammar and it will be a hit. Thank you so very much kind sir. I have my story completely edited to your specifications. I have to say I whole-heartedly agree with everything you pointed out. I actually noticed a few things on my own as I worked off of your suggestions.

As for the title, I may stick with it because I have grown attached to that being how it has always been. Now that you mention it, I believe I have heard the song you are talking about before, but I can't for the life of me remember how it sounds. So I might not listen to it to keep the name pure.

Do you think it is ready for another shot at the wiki now that I (you) fixed it?