Talk:An Unwanted Passenger/@comment-26030957-20151220033024

First off, let me just say that your first line is excellent. It is written in an active voice, and clearly defines who the protagonist is--a woman trying to conceive--and sets the tone and theme for the story.

The narrative is lean and tight, you don't weigh the story down with unnecessay exposition. That being said, maybe a simple line or two about her husband/partner might give a bit more depth to her character.

I really don't think this story warrents an NSFW. If you wanted to take it there, I would go into grisly detail about that hand digging into her pussy, describing the ripping and tearing of the labia, the blood and embryonic fluids that cascade down when her placenta has been breached. Then I'd kill that baby good. Real good. Give readers a gnarly image they will never forget.

My advice would be to mention the husband at the end. If she never tells him about what happened to her, it is as if she cuckoled him and has betrayed their trust. Just something very short and simple like, "I don't know why I never told Mark. I guess I just didn't want to trouble him. After all, he is just so happy that I'm pregnant and we're going to have a baby."

Fun story, great pasta.