Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24763727-20140402010417

Hey, so I had written this, and tried publishing it, but it got deleted. I'm not sure if it was an issue with the story or with how I published it. I had read through the rules, but am still a little confused by them. Anyway, here's the story, and I would love some feedback. And don't pay much attention to the formatting, I think it got a little messed up when I copied it, that would be worried about more when I actually go to publish.

Human nature has always been to want more. It doesn’t matter what it is, humans will always want more, whether it’s knowledge, beauty, wealth, anything under the sun, humans will want more. But what if that’s not truly a human emotion? What if that greed is what creates monsters? Believe me, greed can twist a person, until they are no longer recognizable as a person, and greed is the reason my sister is no longer here.



You see, our life was perfectly normal, me and her. We were those siblings that always managed to be best friends, and fought rarely. When we did fight, it was often for only an hour at a time, and it never had lasting effects. My sister was sixteen, and like most teenagers, she spent her nights in bed, reading fanfiction on her iPod, or scrolling through Tumblr on her laptop. Now she will never do those things again, all because of their greed.

Brains and Beauty was what the internet had dubbed the pair, the one obsessed with vanity and youth, and the other obsessed with knowledge and obtaining more than anyone else. Beauty was said to be a tall boy, around six foot, with shoulder length blond hair, normally pulled back into a ponytail, and cyan eyes that seemed to glow with an inhuman quality. He had fair skin without a blemish to be found anywhere, and he was said to be the picture of perfection.



Brains, on the other hand, was a ghastly sight. He was more noticeably inhuman than his brother, a foul, crouched beast with five inch razor sharp claws in the place of nails. His eyes glowed an evil red, and the area around his mouth was always stained with blood. That mouth contained four rows of razor sharp teeth, and he used those claws to rip apart his victims skull, and used those horrendous teeth to devour the brain along with the knowledge.

It all started on a normal night. I was sitting in my room playing one of the Final Fantasy games I’d already beaten, and my sister was in her room, doing god knows what. Whatever teenage girls did. It was a little past midnight, and I shut off the game, deciding to go to bed. When I had laid down for a few minutes, I heard a weird sound from my sister’s room, almost like a window sliding open. It was silent for a moment, then I heard, “So beautiful… Such perfect, flawless skin… I could just...eat you up…” I sat up in bed. That was a boy’s voice, not my sister’s. And it wasn’t a voice I recognized either, it wasn’t one of her friends. I listened longer, but didn’t hear my sister respond.



My sister was a very outspoken person, the word sassy comes to mind. So when she didn’t reply, I grew worried and slowly got out of bed. I moved as quietly as I could out of my room and down the hallway. I slowly pushed her door open just enough to peek inside, and my eyes widened at the sight. The creature that sat on the bed, caressing my sister’s cheek looked exactly like the drawings of Beauty that I’d seen online. But how could it be? That was impossible, they were just a story! It had to be a really good cosplay, that’s what it was.



<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">But just as I was about to open the door and yell that I was gonna tell Mom, the boy leaned forward and kissed her. I stared in shock, and after a moment, my sister began to change. Her once beautiful, long, black hair was turning a coarse grey and her skin began to wrinkle, as if all of the youth she once possessed was being stolen from her. Beauty’s eyes seemed to glow brighter as he absorbed her life energy.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">That was terrifying to see, and I was frozen on the spot, unable to try and help, but it didn’t compare to what came next. I saw black claws first, and then the thing crawled through the window, settling behind my sister. It lifted it’s claws above her, and brought them down with incredible force. I will never forget the gruesome sound of bone cracking as his claws went straight in. Then he ripped her skull apart, and I was no longer frozen to the spot, moving as quickly as I could to my room. As I ran, I could have sworn that I heard Brains hiss, “The sssissster…” but I must have been hearing things, because after I dived under my covers, everything was still. I didn’t hear a thing now, other than my own frightened heartbeat and heavy breathing. I don’t know when I fell asleep, but the next day I woke up to frantic knocking on my door.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Hello?”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Sarah, come out here, it’s your sister!” came the sound of my mother’s voice.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I could barely understand her with how hard she was sobbing. I jumped out of bed and raced past her, down to my sister’s room. Breaking through the police tape and ignoring the frantic warning of, “Don’t go in there,” I froze when I got in the room. There was blood everywhere. My sister, or what was left of her, was laying on the ground, mutilated beyond recognition. You couldn’t see what Beauty had done to her, and I think that’s how they cover their tracks.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I insisted that she was murdered, but they wrote me off as being traumatized. In the news they labelled it as a bear attack, although no one knew how it had gotten to a second story bedroom and back out without causing any other damage. But I bear was the only thing that could make marks like that is what they said.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Now, I’m writing this as a warning. We thought they were just a creepy story, something that could be used to scare people, but would pose no real danger. But we were wrong. Beauty and Brains are most certainly real, and I want to let everyone know to be careful. Lock your windows. If there are any strange ‘bear attacks’ in your neighborhood, leave. Find a way to defend yourself, because these creatures are utterly real and utterly terrifying. I was lucky that they didn’t kill my whole family, and I’m lucky they haven’t come for me. Wait, I think I just heard my window open...

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent:36pt;"> <ac_metadata title="Help on my first CP, Brains and Beauty"> </ac_metadata>