Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24919627-20150602121111/@comment-24919627-20150604121842

Whitix wrote: Alright, starting with grammar, this story is full of run-on sentences and missing punctuation. Here are some examples:

"In my deepest slumber it was peaceful I was in a lovely forest running with a loved one "Sarah"." This sentence is just phrased awkwardly. I'd rewrite it as: "In my peaceful slumber I was in a lovely forest running with a loved one "Sarah"."

"I was running through a tree infested forest with my one and only love Sarah she was the prettiest of all women (in my opinion), we ran and ran through the forest playing games, telling stories and loving each other." First off, parts of this sentence are redundant since you just told us you were running in a forest with Sarah. You could rewrite it as so (I removed the redundant bits): "Sarah was the prettiest of all women (in my opinion); we ran and ran through the forest playing games, telling stories and loving each other."

I'm not going to rewrite every sentence as I'm fairly certain if you proofread the story you could deduce which sentences are erroneous.

As for the story itself, there's nothing creepy here. I don't get where the horror is supposed to come from. This may be based on an actual experience, but that doesn't always translate into a creepypasta. The plot needs a transition of sorts. You start off running around with Sarah and suddenly go to "I can't see Sarah" with no explanation or transition. The fact that we know this is a dream dulls the experience because we know Sarah is just a figment of your subconscious. The reader won't care about your connection with Sarah because we have no real reason to care about you as our narrator. You need to expand on both characters (Past a physical description) for readers to relate at all. But that still doesn't fix the non-horror problem this story has; you need to find a way to add something creepy to this. Thanks i will get working on it right away.