Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24883632-20140513231048/@comment-10950063-20140513232434

All right, we've got a lot of issues here.

What exactly is a clown jukebox? I think we have two different ideas about what a jukebox is. When I hear jukebox, I picture a box either mounted on or set against a wall, usually in bars, that plays music. Older ones have a couple hundred songs, the modern digital ones have thousands.

This seems to be a toy? I don't know. There's literally no description.

"Creepy fuck," Mark said. Comma, not a period.

Mark doesn't like clowns, so why does he have this? "Mark got out" go out of what?

Things are happening too fast. All of a sudden, Mark's dead. No description of his emotional state or anything.

"Wound" not "winded".

"A bit off the clown fell off." Which bit? Again, we have no clue what this thing looks like.

How does Jane get this this? Why does she just have it around?

You have a bit that basically amounts to "Jane was sad, then she wasn't". That's extremely ineffective writing. It's inconsequential and doesn't effect us in any way.

Things are going completely off the rails in the third paragraph. Trials don't happen the same day accidents happen. WHAT DOES THE ACCIDENT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! Why is she wondering why the jukebox is there? Wasn't it in her house? She should be wondering why her friend was randomly there. Anger is not the usual response to your friend being mysteriously murdered in your home.

This is pretty nonsensical, there's no description of anything, no atmosphere or tension, no real plot, the bulk of the story is made up of pointless incidents. This needs a ton of work. Figure out what story you want to tell and take your time. Think about what you're doing.