Talk:Poison/@comment-28110107-20160707184140

This pasta could be good, and your writing is on its way to being good, as well. With this one, however, you're just trying too hard. I used to do the exact same thing that you're doing in this pasta: I used to try to cram so much description and detail into my writing that it would soon obscure the story of which it was a part of. There are also more than a few words that feel like they have been messily spliced into the sentence; they work, but they're lazy and awkward about it, such as "Extreme decibels of "Someone please help us!" and "Unlock the fucking doors!" were erupted from within The Golden Dragon as their shaking and petrified hands began clawing at the rice paper until the poison’s symptoms of vomiting blood were developed." Now, see, this could be a good sentence, but it's just too busy and you're trying to show everyone what a good writer you are, but losing what a good storyteller you are in the process. Instead of "extreme decibels" to simply say that the screams were loud, you could use something along the lines of "Panicked shrieks of terror erupted from the dining room of The Golden Dragon as the now imprisoned patrons clawed at the rice paper covering the windows, the poison coursing through their ever-blackening veins, until they clutched at their throats, faces contorted in agony, as the poison finally snuffed them out." As a writer and storyteller, your job should be to spark the mind of the reader and give them a map to follow, not to painstakingly describe every nook and cranny of a room or every hair and wrinkle on one of your characters' faces. Let the imagination fill in the gaps, not your words; that's the beauty of the story. Happy writing, and I hope you took my words as constructive criticism and not nit-picky and hateful.