Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25000365-20150711050721

This is a short pasta I've been working on. I like the idea, but I don't like how I wrote it. If you could help, that would be amazing.

“Go!” You jump out of the plane. As you make your descent, you can feel the cool air rush against you at an unbelievable pace. You feel butterflies in your stomach as you become slightly nauseous. But you’re an experienced jumper. You must have done this thousands of times before, and you haven’t had an accident once. Besides, skydiving isn’t for the faint of heart, and it definitely isn’t for the people who can’t do things right the first time. The ground is getting near. It’s time to deploy your chute. You tug on the string. Your chute doesn’t open. You begin to panic. Frantically, you tug on the string multiple times to no avail. You violently wave your arms and point to your chute in hopes of getting your instructor’s attention, but he doesn’t notice. You start to vomit from the nausea and nervousness. Your instructor deploys his chute. You continue to fall at an incredible speed towards the Earth. There isn’t any spot for you to take a soft landing: no trees, no water, no power lines, nothing. You attempt to deploy your backup parachute, but this also fails. You accept your inevitable doom as you see your family waiting for you on solid ground. But right as you hit the top of a car, the ground dissipates. You’re falling into a bottomless pit. The environment around you looks like the sky. There is no ground in sight. You hear a steady, constant beep sound. You become slightly grateful yet confused. Where are you? You notice that you can freely float around. You start to do so when you realize that there’s nowhere to go. Are you going to spend an eternity in here? As you begin to think of these dreadful thoughts, the beeping sound changes to a constant, rhythmic sound. The beeping keeps getting faster. Your vision begins to fade. You find yourself in a hospital bed surrounded by family. Your wife rushes to your side as she cries tears of joy. “You’re awake!” she cries. “W-w-what…” you manage to utter. “You’ve been in a coma for six days,” explains a doctor, “from a skydiving accident. You suffered serious head trauma, but your car luckily broke your fall.” You haven’t been skydiving since. 