Talk:Breaking the Law/@comment-24463401-20150726203150

The intro wasn't really that smooth and there was a lot of awkward phrasing. You've really got to flesh out your ideas more. Try to lure your readers in with a hook. The introduction of phenomenalism seemed unnatural and clunky. Find a way to incorporate it into your story without breaking the immersion. There is some potential in this, though. The rest of the pasta was solid besides a few minor things. My advice would be to practice a bit more, maybe read some stories that aren't related horror or creepypasta. It really improves your writing style and helps you stand out from the crowd.