Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33904527-20181023000626/@comment-35711173-20181023163910

Just a Guy That Likes Creepypastas,

What you said in your comment above doesn't come through when reading it. In fact, the story confuses the heck out of me. After reading it over and over, I can't come up with a clear progression of events.

When you say "Groundhog" we think of "Groundhog Day" - the movie, not a marmot that the guy killed.

OK, so the guy killed a rodent. Why is that a big deal? People shoot these things all the time. They are reported to be good eating. If it's not a groundhog that he killed, what did he kill? There is no indication that this is a hospital for the criminally insane and that he is a murderer.

Did you base this story on a dream? It has that not fully connected feel. You need to make it connected for the reader. As is, you've left Bloody Spaghetti and I both confused. I understand what happens when the shrink is with the patient but the moment that patient goes under things don't make sense.

Telling us what you meant won't communicate to the reader. You have one shot to make your story work and that's through the words of your story.

Below is the section that is confusing to us. I put the most puzzling parts in italics. -

“Oh, so you’re still following the script, then?”

Jerry shrugged.

“More or less. It’s always a little different each time I come in, though. Sometimes I follow it word for word, other times I improvise.”

“That’s kinda weird. You should be an actor. Is Daniel still using the codeword?”

“Sadly, yes. It always gives me the shivers when he says it. I guess it’s how similar they both are. Big heads, no necks, small legs, large torsos. Sometimes I really do get the creeps in that room.”

“Sounds awful. Glad I don’t have to deal with him. Did you make any changes to his medication yesterday?”

“Just one.”

“Oh?”

“We made him think he had no eyes.”