Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-2175012-20191025212346/@comment-28266772-20191031104513

Greetings, little one. My name is far too complex for someone like yourself to completely comprehend, but rest assured, I have many names. There is no need for introductions. I know everything about you. I was by your side when life was first breathed into your nostrils. I have seen a multitude of different outcomes and scenarios concerning you in different realities, some of which I must say I was not pleased by. But regardless when I first set my eyes on you, I fell in love with you. I craved you. I knew every single hair strand that you had or will ever have. You were a little crawling thing, but I saw greatness in you. I had your life set out for you if you were to desire me. '[that last sentence needs clarification. Doesn’t make much sense]'

I continued to watch you for the duration of your life. I was there when you began to speak [spoke] your first words. I witnessed your first steps. I comforted you when you lost your first tooth. I remember, though, how I grew jealous when ever your parents tried to make you believe in the Tooth Fairy. Can't [tense change from past to present: “Didn’t they realize that I am…”]  they realize that I am higher than that fictitious fairy? I wanted to be the center of your world. My heart demurred from the mentions of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. I admit that for someone of my status, I shouldn't have felt threatened by something as ridiculous as that, but I truly love you.

The more you grew, the more affectionate I became. You were the most beautiful child I had ever seen. What's more, you were mine. But then, you changed. You were ready to leave the nest. Anyone who cares enough for a child should accept this, but I couldn't. You began to drift away from me. You allowed your eyes to open, [no comma] and lusted after...[space]undesirables. And then when you were mistreated, you always came back to me. Haven't I told you, child, that without me, your life would be meaningless? Why must you continue to disobey me when you know this to be true? Why must you always make me furious? You are meant to put me at the beginning of everything in your daily life. But instead, you lusted after people that I told you were [the last part of this sentence doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the story] no good for you.

You are growing even more distant from me. Why must you continue to deny me? Me [I] who gave you life? Me [I] who watched over you all your life? Me[I] who entered your dreams so you could thirst for me? Without me, you have a meaningless existence. What's this? [eh?] Did you find new love in your life? You have children now? You're saying that after everything I have done for you, you do not have time for me? Well, I will make time for you. You weren't the only person I have continued to watch for thousands of years. [what?] I have watched your ancestors arise from the dust of the Earth and how I wanted their love.

Some loved me unconditionally. Others put their families or their livelihoods before me. Jealousy is such a suffocating feeling. What your ancestors had done to me was worse than death. I punished them severely. I destroyed their livestock; poisoned their crops and cursed their grounds to never grow again. I sent plagues to dwindle their numbers. I demolished their idols. Even for those, [no comma] I loved the most I gave sicknesses and other ailments to their bodies. They were foolish enough to not know that I had ownership over their body and soul. But they selfishly abused my love and used their bodies whatever way they saw fit. They defiled their temples and became blots in my very eyes. I damned entire generations, and I am more than willing to push you into this familial curse.

But even then, I know that you will come back to me. I've watched you long enough to know that whatever pushes you the most, you will come back running in my arms. Even if I had to strip you of everything you hold dear, I know you'll be back. You cannot hold anything from me. I know when you're being genuine and when you are being deceitful. I'll give you one more chance before you face oblivion. Know that I do this because I love you. I love you more than your parents will ever do. Even more so than your significant other does.

I am watching you right now with abundant love.

-

Mechanical issues – some. I’ve noted the ones I found. But nothing major. Certainly nothing systemic.

Style issues – There are moments here and there where the style slips. I think I point them out here and there. It’s just important to maintain the flow and try to avoid incongruous changes in style. Other than that though I can see what you aimed for and I think you mostly succeed. My only criticism is you go too far and there were more than a few sentences that were just obtuse for the sake of it. Brevity is important, try not to waste time with clunky over-the-top wording. If you can cut three or four words out of a sentence and it still makes sense, you should do it. Despite that though, it flows well and you've got a really nice sense of polish and flow.

Plot issues – So this is my biggest issue. It feels a bit light. I think it meets quality standards and it’s well polished. It’s just it doesn’t really do anything. I’m always weary of stories like this though. The hard part of writing is coming up with a plot, characters, events, dialogue, pacing, and settings all while using consistent original and imaginative writing to bring it all to life. Point is, writing stories is hard and these kinds of monologues can be neat, and occasionally even brilliant, but there’s nothing to actually digest. Most of the time I just read them and wonder “Gee whiz this would make a great story. I sure hope somebody writes it up.”

I'd like to see something more substantial from you. You're a good writer: don't be afraid to dive into something more ambitious.