Talk:The White Men Came/@comment-27838637-20180228093458

The Unimpressive Chaoslord defies his username and produces quite an impressive story!

I’ll give you a big congratulations as this seems to be your first story on this wiki, and taking that into consideration, you’ve done extremely well. You must have had some kind of writing experience prior to coming to this site as generally creepypasta beginners are not this competent with their prose.

Lyrical Interpretation – 20/25

This is done quite well. Considering the song seems to be sung from two perspectives, it must have been challenging to interpret this song into a first person story. You’ve nailed the general theme of the song and the parallels are clear when you read the story - It’s clear that the chase (or hunt) of the Native American by the white man is the focal point of the story. You’ve also implemented key themes such as the white man emerging from the water, and the hunt and impeding massacre that awaits all those in their path. I also liked the name drop in the last line, which really solidifies where you got your inspiration from.

However, there were a lot of key themes in the song I thought you missed out on as well. The song speaks about a fight between both factions, where the Native Americans get the upper hand. This seems to be missing from the plot. There is also a very explicit description of how the white man brutalizes the natives and their society; raping their women, buying them out, etc. I feel like this was missed out on too. It seems you stopped at the white man hunting and killing the natives, but in reality (and as the song says) the conquest consisted of much more than that.

Horror Factor – 11/25

While I find this a fantastic story, I feel like the horror is squandered. There is a feeling of dread and impending doom throughout, which is nicely done. There is also the monstrous descriptions of  the white man, but you don’t really delve beyond that and as a result the terror falls short. You seem to use a very colourful vocabulary to paint these men as monstrosities, but don’t show us anything to keep us terrified. They look like strange and monstrous creatures rising from the sea – but then it stops there. The natives run in terror knowing that one day they will be caught and killed but we don’t really get to see any of this happening. I fell this is a big missed opportunity when you could have made a truly terrifying Lovecraftian tale. I feel like you were maybe, out of your element while writing this. Maybe with future stories you can experiment with your style and work on how to build suspense, dread and use horror elements more effectively.

Entertainment Value – 20/25

I feel like your vocabulary made for an enticing and mesmerising tale. It had a truly old-fashioned and professional style to it, which does well at drawing attention and standing out from other stories. However, at times, this works adversely too, with some moments coming across as drawn out and a little pretentious. I feel like for all that was happening, you could have done more to make the reader feel involved. Most of the story up until the hunting scene where they see the white men rise from the water felt a little disengaging, for example.

Despite this, you did well to hold the readers attention with your eloquent style. While I feel like the massacre could have been described in more detail, the finale ended on a sombre note and left me wanting more.

General Quality – 21/25

I feel like, for a non-english speaker, you’ve done fantastic. You have an extremely vast vocabulary and you know how to use it. As mentioned above, the style was executed really well. It made me feel like I was reading a true story and interpreted by an historian of some sort. Pacing was spot-on, and I didn’t find any grammatical or spelling errors. Good work.

However, there were times where the words you used seemed awkward, or you overloaded on the big words and some sentences made little sense because of it. Just remember that sometimes simplicity can go a long way. There were moments that the story seemed pretentious because of this. Also, there were a few missing words here and there, which I found mildly annoying. Don't beat yourself up about it though, everyone does it.

Overall though, I appreciated the poetic nature and I hope to see more from you in the future. A fine effort indeed!

Final Score – 71/100