Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20190730183504/@comment-35711173-20190801195324

RedNovaTyrant,

I have read Draft 2. I see improvement. We now know what the motivation is for the assault.

Who is the person who is assaulted? We know they are a computer science graduate student. We know that the protagonist had unrequited romantic intentions for them and blames them for washing out, but we don't have ANY sort of a mental picture of them, not even gender or other physical description. It's hard to have an emotional connection with someone when I have no image of them whatsoever. You could add a picture of them in so many ways.

"Working your lovely little legs until they burned, your lungs pumping oxygen until they felt ready to explode, your delicate throat growing tight and constricted."

From this, we know what he thinks of her and that she is a her.

When I name a place, I prefer to name a realistic place and to use the details. Real street names, real stores. Maybe not my school, maybe not even my state. There are many good universities in areas with really lousy crime rates. My first suggestion would be Michigan State or Wayne State. Canadian weather and a very high crime rate even by USA standards. You should be able to Google Maps walk from a nearby house to a market and back.

Think of the logistics here. This guy is hanging out in the rain until one given person happens to go out on a dark and stormy night. He is going to be sitting there getting soaked for a LONG time, waiting for some cop to come on by and ask questions.