Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-3013458-20150908010211/@comment-25941663-20150909003005

I'm sorry, but this isn't good. There is no build-up and no suspense. And it needs some more "spice" in it. It just isn't creepy.

The biggest problem is that the transition from "everything is normal" to "something went wrong" is too sudden. If you had added some more hints beforehand (making the story a bit lengthier) it maybe would have worked.

I suggest you read some of the Writing Advice the wiki has too offer. It will help a lot, I'm sure of it.

Keep practising and you'll get there.