Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30861466-20170903175422/@comment-30861466-20170913145146

AViciousRainbow wrote: This is an interesting concept. I especially enjoy the description you use. With that though, I've noticed several issues so far. To begin, I'll annotate your story pointing out some errors I found then go over some other issues.

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Mental wealth, [is] a popular commercial for Sony’s well known console t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶I̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶,̶ but this advert [advertisement] in particular has an important significance to me.

There always has been something off about the ad and considering what it was advertising it never seemed like it made much sense [Show, don't tell; this whole line can be removed].

I mean come on someone must have thought this ad was off right? Some odd looking Scottish girl blabbing about some inspirational message even though she’s advertising a game console? '''[What's so odd about this? There's much stranger commercials out there. Additionally, what qualifies as an "odd looking Scottish girl?"]'''

The reason why is because the ad has nothing to do with the console in question. The real video is an interrogation of the girl. '''[What question is being answered here? Even a brief mention will clear up confusion. Also, are you talking about the commercial or something else? If you're talking about something else, what does the commercial have to do with it?]'''

As said by one of the most common theories '''[what theory? This isn't mentioned before, why would there even need to be theory in the first place?] the girl was in fact an alien [by using "in fact" I'm under the impression that we should already assume that the girl is an alien which we have no evidence to even come to that conclusion]; she was discovered by a mysterious organization [that] I was the former CEO [this is passive phrasing, you should rearrange the sentence by putting the fact that the narrator is the CEO at the beginning of the statement] of known as DH7, [sentence run-on; a period should go here] apparently they found the girl in an unknown location building [in] some sort of contraption [some sort of contraption is vague]'''.

Upon this discovery[,]t hey knocked the girl unconscious and took her into [the] facility.

It was here that my team informed me of their new discovery  ̶a̶n̶d̶[period]I arrived in the room along with the camera guy who we had positioned in front of her '''[awkward phrasing. Should be "we positioned a camera guy in front of her]'''.

I asked the question we all wanted to hear.

“Are you a friend or foe?”; she didn’t reply, she only sat their [there] smiling. '''[Why would this question be asked? It seems obvious that this person wasn't supposed to be there so would answering as a friend or foe even matter?]'''

“What are your motives for coming here?”; again nothing, only a slightly wider smile.

“What are you?” I continued, slowly losing my patience only to have a soft giggle be the closest thing I got to a reply. '''[What would make the speaker assume that the girl is not human? Does she know that she's not a human? If so, how? A wide smile isn't quite a reason.]'''

I was about to lose it with her before she finally spoke.

“Let me tell you what bugs me of the human endeavour. I’ve never been the human in question, have you? Mankind went to the moon, I don’t even know where Grimsby is. Forget progress by proxy. Land on your own moon. It’s not longer about what they can achieve out there on your behalf, but about what we can experience, up here. It’s called mental wealth [If this a reference to the brand, then it should be capitalized].” she said, before doing that same stupid giggle again.

Despite at least getting a response I was unsatisfied and confused, what did she mean? Why did she ask if I was human when I clearly am? What did all of this gibberish mean?

Whilst in my distracted state she grabbed the contraption '''[what is this contraption? Your description is vague and it's hard to visualize what it would be]''' and used it to destroy the camera causing our camera guy to get knocked unconscious.

“If you want me to talk then please don’t put a camera near me again.” she said before tossing the weapon back onto the table.

<p style="margin-top:1em;margin-bottom:0cm;font-size:14px;line-height:14px;">“Y-You know what a camera is?” I asked in shock whilst cautiously moving the weapon.

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;font-size:14px;line-height:14px;">“My world is not underdeveloped, as a matter of fact it’s much like your own and yes before you ask we all do look like this facial wise.” she told me.

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;font-size:14px;line-height:14px;">“''Okay then, wasn't going to ask anyway, but now let's go back back on topic. Why have you come to Earth?” ''I asked.

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;font-size:14px;line-height:14px;">“''My motive for coming here is nothing more than expanding my own ambition. You see I was exiled from my own world due to my rather violent experiments; because of this I decided to use this exile to my advantage, I have been travelling through various worlds for the past six years in an attempt to conduct more experiments throughout each world, my research is to find the deadliest possible substance I can use to power my machinery.” ''she explained. [This is a long run-on sentence]

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;font-size:14px;line-height:14px;">I came to the conclusion that she was a clear threat [I think this goes without saying based on what just happened] and I ordered my team to keep her contained within our walls, awaiting furhter questioning. --

I don't exactly see the need for a paragraph for every sentence. I'm not sure if there is a reason why you do this, but unless you feel that it needs to be written like this, it shouldn't.

I have found a number of grammar issues. I would suggest using a website like Grammarly in order to combat these.

I would avoid words like "said" or "replied" as they are vague. You could use those opportunities for more descriptive diction.

I think the introduction could be chopped up quite a bit. There is a lot of preface to the story which isn't needed. I suggest getting into the beginning of the story sooner rather than later. Perhaps you could take the first four paragraphs and integrate them throughout the story. Otherwise you have a long opening which could turn the reader away especially if they lost interest early on.

Despite all of the comments I made, I do enjoy the story. I would love to see where you go with this. I think you did a good job with making the atmosphere unsettling and encourage you to keep going forward. Thank you for your feedback, I'll be sure to take these in and I'll come up with a good conclusion or cliffhanger perhaps. I'll update once I find a good flow for the story, maybe a week or two.