Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27320204-20160108043649/@comment-24101790-20160108044224

I would suggest looking over this guide on CPCs as your story falls into a lot of the common pitfalls.

There are also a lot of capitalization (Multiple phrases really shouldn't be capitalized so frequently, there are random words capitalized in the middle of sentences, and you forget to capitalize proper nouns.) punctuation, (Colons missing where written messages are used), formatting issues (Dialogue should be spaced out so two speakers are never talking on the same line. Additionally you should space out your paragraphs so they have a space in-between them), and story issues (see link above). I'm sorry, but this isn't up to quality standards and has a number of Cliches as well.