Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26344151-20151123134114/@comment-26399604-20151123225036

Hi Raymond Fischer,

This is not a bad attempt for your first CreepyPasta and understand the concept your aiming for in this story. With that said, you asked for feedback so I will oblige.

First, I will admit the story does come off a little bland. Meaning, instead showing us the events of the story, you mainly told what was happening. I've made this error a few times myself. You should add more moments where we get to feel what the character feels, especially when it came down to the confrontation at the end.

-Ex: When Todd goes to the bathroom early in the morning. You could take advantage of this moment to possibly describe any eerie sensations he might have of being watched or his actual fear when he hears the voice. This is supposed to be moment where all the build up/reading in your Pasta comes to fruition and pays off. It should be ripe and shining at this moment.

+Second, most stories all somewhat have a foreshadowing moment that teases the reader on what they might expect in the future. It doesn't have to be extremely obvious, but something should be an indicator in the early stages of the story. In the first half, the story talks about the character daydreaming and drawing quite frequently. I think that's an easy way to sneak in an indicator. Maybe what he draws from his imagination to sometimes surprises him or even frightens him a bit (it doesn't have to be a negative type of frighten at first, but he understands the unorthodox moments he might have).

+Thirdly, I think the story would benefit with a few more transitionally phrases. For example in the third paragraph, when he returns home. It was a bit dull, and understandably a moment can be when someone returns home. Yet, you can spice it up with moments to describe how tired he feels, or how anxious he is to just draw or something. It can be hard, but it can really help to encapsulate a reader when you present a decent description of the setting. It doesn't have to be long, but a least something can help place and see where the character is at.

-Ex: When he got home, Todd went to his room. Immediately, he threw his bag and a textbook on his bed and slumped harshly into the chair at his desk. From there, his eyes crept over to the piles of homework, bent corners of papers were wedged carelessly in between the pages of his history book. What a nuisance, he thought. He never did any of his homework. It was pointless to him and besides, he had better things to do.

+Lastly, the best practice is to start new dialogue of different characters on new lines. It makes it easier to follow the change of characters talking.

-For example:

He looked down and saw the drawing of the inverted creature. He frowned and tried to take it off, failing. He suddenly fell to his knees, holding on to his head as a massive headache quickly built up.

“Do you remember me?” a voice in his head asked.

“No! Who are you?” Todd replied.

“You do remember me?” the voice said. It was a high pitched, but still masculine sounding voice.

--

Overall, I think if you address the pointers I referred to above, you can really smooth this out to a nice CreepyPasta for everyone to enjoy. Please do not take these pointers too harshly. I simply wanted to be sure you received constructive criticism as you requested so that you can continue grow your skills as a writer. I am still growing myself.

With that said, please let me know if what I have described does not make sense or if you wish to receive any further assistance. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!