Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26007602-20150119200149/@comment-25226524-20150121222455

Well this wasn't bad. I'm ambivalent about the concept, but it's definitely original. You're writing, although your descriptive work needs some honing, was pretty smooth and made for easy reading. There weren't very many mistakes, which is a big plus, but there were a few. A couple I noticed are the following two examples taken from the middle of the story:

The man down and whispered in Annie’s ear,...

The man interrupted her in furiously,...

I'm sure you can see what is wrong with them, so I'll leave it up to you to fix. There were a few other instances like that, but I didn't take proper note of them. I'm sure you can notice them if you read it out-loud just once.

As for the creepiness, it's completely subjective. Some people are terrified by body horror, but I'm not really one of them.

The gore isn't overdone, especially since that scene is such a critical part of the story. I feel like you could work on your descriptions some more and help bring the whole scene to life, but it's not bad as it is.

I don't really see anything that stands out that needs cut. The buildup is an integral part of the story, and possibly the most unsettling part to some readers.

I don't think this needs the NSFW tag, but it's up to you if you use it.

I'm not crazy about this story personally, but I think it's fairly well done, and I believe some people will enjoy it. I don't see any reason why it would be deleted if you submitted it as it stands. I hope you found this helpful. Keep writing.