Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20160324185524/@comment-27012445-20160401042917

First and fore most, I can tell that you invested a lot into the character/narrator. That is a good start. I myself do not mind melodramatic talk as long as it suits the character and is consistent. I did notice a bit of wavering between that romantic talk and modern day dialect. Aside from the that, what you also need is a storyline that is strong which I believe you have, but kind of predictable. What I think could really put this one over the top is a twist ending. Check out this link. Its a story with a similar character with similar motivations. This is formular that could be applied to this story. https://youtu.be/INL7XbTF84w