Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24675373-20141016151832/@comment-24077689-20141021215635

I’d say this is still unreviewed because it’s SO FUCKING LONG. And lesbi honest, a lot of people on here don’t have the attention span of good ol’ Uncle Nooth. You may not be familiar with my review style, I write as I review. SO HERE WE GO.

First of all, why the fuck are you writing this in Notepad? If you don’t have word, get on Google and make a fucking Google doc. We aren’t your fucking proofreaders.

Woah-ho, a Norwegian pasta, don’t see many of these. And how did you know I have a soft spot for Rococo? But then again, Rococo wasn’t super prevalent in Norway, you’re really narrowing the scope of your pasta here, which could be a good thing, but anyone that knows anything about architecture, art periods, or areas of prevalence might see through this unless you treat it well. I’d really enjoy it if this comes up again, little details make the story, as the old adage goes: the devil is in the details.

Ok, next up in your fourth paragraph you mention that a looter would make money if they knew what was in there. It’s a fucking rococo manor in Norway. It’s big, it’s gorgeous, it’s ornate, it’s uncommon. If you looked at that and didn’t think there was rich stuff in there, you’d be a goddamn moron. Next, you use ellipses in that same paragraph. Don’t do that. It’s not even necessary in this context; it’s not necessary in any context. It’s ugly; it disrupts the flow of your story. It’s a crutch, it’s bad writing. Kindly read all the writing advice blogs and internalize all of that info.

“Once she closed her dropped jaw…”

That’s how you use ellipses. But that’s neither here nor there now. This is a really weird sounding description. This whole sentence is a little robotronic. Like “Madison closed her jaw then grabbed her bags then headed up to her sleeping quarters”. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But You could write that with so much more finesse, something prettier, something to reflect her feelings. Not just a step by step of what she does. “The initial awe of the place subsided, Madison picked up her bags and tentatively stepped towards the extra room that she’d call home for the next month.”

You don’t have to write it exactly like that, but you get my point. Up until now you’d done a relatively fine job, but that sentence just kind of throws it off, it’s lazy. Your dialogue, why the fuck are you using so many question marks? Personally, as a stylistic choice, I’d break it up to read something like

“Maddy?” the thick Irish accent called out, “You here yet?”

The way you have it written as “the thick, Irish male voice called out” could just be written as accent, it’s superfluous to keep it the way it is.

I’m serious; go read my writing advice blogs, which can be accessed by the main navigation bar, go get some education on how to properly use ellipses.

You describe the face of a younger man, but you have her acting like a fucking swooning quim. I’d say, maybe describe a dash of gray in at his temples, some scruff on his face. The face of an older gentleman. It might work a bit better than the way you currently have it.



Your pacing if off near when she gets done snapping photos, maybe describe her setup, is she a hobbyist? Is she using a DSLR camera? Is she just using some piece of shit? Is she setting up proper lighting and a tripod? That might make the transition of “HOLY SHIT SUDDENLY TEN HOURS JUST WENT BY” a bit smoother.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t her research have details on the previous families? She should have information on the previous occupant/owner, such as if she was widowed.

You’ve got a bit of awkward wording here and there such as “she set for her photos to transfer to her laptop”, just read this out loud and you’ll see where you could make flow better or change up some words. And you’ve even got some sort of juvenile tropes here that we see in a lot of writing, not just creepypasta writing, which is more of a personal thing to me. But things like “…silently cursing at how hot it still was”. I feel like the whole “silent cursing” thing is just kind of played out as a descriptor instead of giving any real characterization. And I know I’m being picky, but she wouldn’t flip through images on a computer, you’d be better saying that she clicked through them or scrolled through them, instead.

Try to avoid this formulaic step-by-step writing. Saying “after her meal, she collected her things” is just kind of blah. Keep up your style everywhere, try something a bit less cause-and-effect, “she finished her meal and collected her things” is much more direct and less robotronic.

I’d take a moment here to revel in the place. Remember, all you’ve done thus far is describe the place as an ornate rococo manor. What does that tell us? Not a whole lot. Take some time here in the wine cellar to describe to us the scope of what she’s seeing. How big is the wine cellar? How many barrels does she see? How many bottles are there? How big IS this place? Right now we have a vague sense of this place. We need more than a vague sense of things.

<p class="MsoNormal">

A small, scurrying, vaguely humanoid thing? Really? That’s a bit of a let down. Also, stop using ellipses, it’s a crutch, your writing is good enough that you don’t need it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wait. The cellar was creepy? Sorry, but there’s no point where I get the feeling that it was creepy. There was some scurrying and she quickly wrote it off as a trick of the light

<p class="MsoNormal">The way that you move time is nauseating. Time is clearly an important motif in this story; treat it with more delicacy, instead of the constant “it was 10 then some stuff happened now it’s 7”

<p class="MsoNormal">Instead of “suck it up, you’re a professional”, try “suck it up, you’re an adult”, that would touch the reader on a more visceral level. And what’s with this unease? You’re not doing a good job of building atmosphere at all. It’s like “I saw something, I’m uneasy, WHATEVER IM A PROFESSIONAL I’M GONNA ENJOY MAH MEAL AND THEN ENTERTAIN MYSELF AND BY THAT I MEAN MASTURBATE.”

<p class="MsoNormal">There’s no sense of unease, it’s like it happens and she just sort of lets it go. What’s up with that? Work on building the atmosphere of dread up. Right now, the predictability of more stuff happening is boring. Your writing is pretty good, but you don’t take any finesse, it’s like you’re nervous to really scare us or make it uncomfortable. This story should be uncomfortable. You should write the story that makes you uncomfortable to write.

<p class="MsoNormal">What the fuck is a “scuffle”? How does something scuffle across a room? Read over this, get your shit together.

<p class="MsoNormal">There you go again with that boring ass “humanoid creature”. Your vagueness isn’t scary. I’m not sure if you realize this, but spiders, even demented ones have eight legs. Even with its arms, it would be more insectoid than it would be arachnid. Read over this, you have some typos such as “chattering a bit as it started at her”.

<p class="MsoNormal">You use some phrases that are a bit clichéd and I’m confident that you can do better, the air being “oppressive”. That’s so overused

<p class="MsoNormal">STOP USING ELLIPSES. IMMA KEEP SAYING THIS UNTIL PEOPLE STOP WRITING POORLY.

<p class="MsoNormal">1908!? NO WAY. IT’S SO FUCKING OLD IT’S NOT LIKE THINGS CAN BE TAKEN CARE OF OR ANYTHING. I own three books from the early 1900’s, all in phenomenal condition. Shouldn’t be a surprise. If it’s UNNATURALLY FANTASTIC, maybe describe that. Describe the pages like “this book looks like it’s new” or something.

<p class="MsoNormal">

Wait, wait, wait. So she thinks it’s a dream. She thinks that it’s nothing to worry about, she’s basically acting like every other fucking moron from every fucking bad horror flick and all the sudden it’s too spooky for her? Why is she crying softly? WHY IS SHE TREATING THIS LIKE IT’S JUST NOTHING. If she’d come across this in passing she would probably remember that, but it sounds like this is the first time she’s heard of this urban legend.

<p class="MsoNormal">FUCK STOP USING ELLIPSES. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t appreciate your onomatopoeia. This is a short story not a fucking campfire story. You’ve never used it before, why use it now.

<p class="MsoNormal">ENOUGH. WITH. THE. ELLIPSES. FUCK.

<p class="MsoNormal">UGH NOW YOU’RE INTRODUCING A YOUNG PALE GIRL. YEAH BECAUSE LITTLE GIRLS ARE CREEPY 100% OF THE TIME, BEST PUT IT IN THIS STORY TOO. WHY NOT.

<p class="MsoNormal">Seriously, the ellipses is lazy writing. Stop it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dreams in dreams, haven’t heard that one before.

<p class="MsoNormal">What the shit. Is she casually plagued by nightmares? Are night terrors something she just experiences? Why is she reacting so calmly to this?

<p class="MsoNormal">Now she’s having daytime visions? OH HO HO BUT IT’S PROBABLY JUST NIGHTMARES RIGHT.

<p class="MsoNormal">Oh my god, her show is about Gummi Bears?

<p class="MsoNormal">Pro-tip: if you’ve spent the whole story calling her by the informal “Maddy”, don’t suddenly switch to the ultra-formal “Madison”.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Your misusage of the ellipses is actually getting gradually worse as the story goes on. That’s quite a thing.

<p class="MsoNormal">OK. So I’m finally done. This is one of those stories that is laborious to read. Like, it just keeps going on and on and on and there’s not enough actual content to make it interesting to read. The constant shifts of reality and dreamland are ridiculous and treated poorly. Your writing isn’t crazy bad or anything; it’s just your writing style needs some work. Put more effort into selling us on the dread. This story doesn’t invest you; it doesn’t immerse you into it. Work on build up, work on the pace of the story, work on the style. I am interested to see if you can take this anywhere, but as it is right now, it’s a big fat meh.