Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20170806214502/@comment-24101790-20170821140735

As Christian pointed out most of these issues, I'm only going to gloss over them.

Spacing: "up.  Anything displaying a time mechanically changed. Whether"

Punctuation: "What consequences would there be when it ran out of time.(?)", "All the. time of waiting and fear would come to an end soon."

Wording: "Everyone cut (put?) their television and radios on searching for a sufficient answer.", "Electricity (electronics) and machinery began shutting down.", "There was even word of aliens tampering with earth." (I'd change this to 'Some even believed' or something that suggests this is a theory), "And although everyone was concerned, people began to turn against one another." (Although implies a contradictory event. 'Although I was tired, I knew I couldn't go to bed yet.' Some rewording is needed there.),

Awkward wording: "In a world full of technology such a widespread event was certainly unsettling, even if the issue was as simple as a time", "Their eyes and souls became weaker as hope escaped them.", "Mothers screamed as for their sick children."

Awkward wording: "Anything displaying a time mechanically changed.", "the numbers inexplicably warped itself (themselves) without the intervention of humans.", etc. Really Christian did a good job of pointing out most of this issues.

Story: Given your message on my talk page, I'm assuming you're trying to write this as a journal entry. My first suggestion would be to condense the explanation and inject a personal experience into the story itself. Write it from the perspective of someone who is surviving/has survived this event. Describe how it's impacted them and how they've survived up to that point with everything that's happening.

Story cont.: In a story like this, perspective and personality are what's needed if you're writing from an epistolary/journal-based format. Questions you need to ask while re-writing this to be from this perspective are the basics of who, what, where, why, how, etc.: Who is this person that the audience is reading about? What are they doing to survive the event? Where are they? Why are they writing this journal? How are they surviving. Fleshing out these answers and working them organically into the story would help make it more effective.

Story cont.: As I mentioned above, personality is key here. If the audience is capable of relating to the main character, or at least understanding their actions and decisions, you're more likely to get them invested in the plot. Having a relatable character is key here, or having them write in such a way that makes them empathetic/easy to relate to. That's about all the advice I can give until you do a re-write.