Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44866366-20200115123605/@comment-9041013-20200116011519

Well the english is all over the place. There are just too many issues to actually detail them here right now. Maybe someone else will go over the whole thing. "Feme Female" did make me laugh though.

The whole plot is like the darker version of an edgy vigilante who does the right thing using the wrong methodology. What are Ava's voices? They're clearly external since she's got no other symptom of any mental condition that might cause auditory hallucinations. So what are they? That kind of matters if it's a long and persistent theme, an explanation in the form of a passing mention is good enough.

Ava ends up reading like a really broken female version of Michael Myers, where Mike is just evil (which is probably what makes him so compelling) she's traumatized to the point of being super Rorschach with voices. Rorschach's personality makes sense as his mother basically abused him, Ava's experience, while traumatic, shouldn't turn anyone into a murderous vigilante who hates half of the worlds population. If there was some more detail about what happened at the asylum and what went inside of her head, I would've cared. If she was more of a tragic villain sort of character, I'd care even more. Ava is neither, Ava is just an edgy bootleg Michael Myers that speaks and hates men cause her sister commited suicide. This trope of suicide caused by rape is cliched and somewhat disrespectful, and I'll admit I've used it myself once too. Like you've a sort of a vigilante character who's unstable from the get go but you have to have the worst possible outcome to make them go over the edge, that's just kind of not right. The rape is enough.

Maybe you could've made Ava slowly come to rationilize her self defense driven manslaughter as pleasurable. In a way make her think she enjoyed it, and have her seek that thrill again - that leads her down the path of insanity and makes for something of a genuinely hateable character, for the right reasons.

This needs a LOT of work.