Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4993676-20141107145817/@comment-24056975-20141108024900

I've got some notes and a guess about your admin issue.

Maybe the issue was in your tendency to overdescribe things. The early line about the deceased body is an example. "Deceased" is redundant in that context. Shortly after, you state that spiders are nesting in the corners, and then go on to explain that corners are where walls and the ceiling meet. Your audience knows what corners are.

I find it odd that John is a teacher at just twentyone. Maybe it's a state law difference, but where I'm from, even grade school teachers need a bachelor's degree and some time as an assistant teacher. Most high school teachers I had either had or were working towards master's degrees.

Is it meant to be a surprise that John is the murderer? Because it was really obvious right at the beginning. It was kind of cliche.

You should start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes during a conversation. You have an issue with this near the beginning but seem to fix it later on.

Ben at one point says "We are here to..." which just seemed a bit too formal for him, especially in context. "We're" would sound better. There's a few more spots like this. Really, you should read all your dialogue out loud. It helps to make it sound natural.

Broken shoulders don't get "popped back into place," and still be able to move. That's dislocated shoulders. Of course, I'm no expert here. Just going off the knowledge I've picked up.

When John looks in Heather's window and sees her with "him," I thought she was with the guy John thought he saw murder Ben and Susan. The reveal that it was Eric she was with felt like a cheap bait and switch.

When the murderous figure has a knife to Eric's throat in the car, are they both trying to slow the car or just Eric. It seems to me that the figure wants him to crash, so "They try to slow down" should be "He tries to slow down."

Why are there so many bodies in this pit? It raises questions without adding much to the story. I don't know these corpses, I don't care. Did anyone in the story even know they were missing?

Heather resists until he yells, then she follows him docily? Why doesn't she run? Why doesn't John have her go first, or take her hand or something? She gives in too easily.

The flashes of conciousness that John has at the end are interesting. He takes Heather's death too easily, though. Just a comment that she's pretty and he's glad he didn't stab her. Really, it would have been kinder for him to. I wonder if it's worth changing, for him to realize that he is the shadowy murderer and kill her to free her before he loses control again.

All those details that I was expecting to tie into the story didn't tie in as well as I'd hoped. The story's introduction doesn't even tie in with the rest of the chronology you've given. Characters were established, but you kept adding details to their primary traits rather than fleshing them out more. Of course, three of five die shortly after introduction, so there's only so much you can do.

Overall, the story's not bad. I do agree with the admins that you go into too much detail about unimportant things on top of an already verbose writing style. I think you could stand to make a few cuts. Hope this helps.