Talk:The King of Miami/@comment-26475800-20170727073844

You need to take another look at this and cut it way down. It's too drawn out and boring. You talk so much about being the king of the underground in the first paragraph, then proceed to talk about how you bought your bullies and turned them into thugs, which wouldn't happen, they would only kick your ass and take your money anyway. I couldn't even get all the way through this because it's just too pretentious.

Try using less words to say the same thing, here's an example:

"If you really sit down and ponder how the class and society systems run in big cities, it seems like the more things say they change, the more they stay the same. There’s a fine caste system in place in every big city, from the peasant workers to the nobles in the city hall. But of course, every kingdom needs a king."

You could cut that entire first sentence and no one would miss it, it would improve the entire paragraph. Cut this down a lot and it would improve the story ten-fold.

Also, you have a lot of really strange wording. Here's an example of this as well:

"it seems like the more things say they change, the more they stay the same."

The more things who said they changed? Or are the things talking, and if they are, what kind of things are they that can talk? Go through this and edit it heavily and it could be good. You don't need to spend most of the time talking about how you started your crime empire as a high-school student. No one wants to read that. This is almost like you're trying to write a Godfather story, but instead of a badass teen who killed a mob boss, you had a bully sent off to a boarding school. (I think the don was a teen when he killed that mob boss, I could be wrong, it's been a while since I've read that book.)

I'm going to M4R this story and hope you can make it better. Good luck.