Board Thread:Writer's Showcase/@comment-27838637-20160517072309/@comment-28266772-20160607162329

I know I already gave you some feedback on the official page for this, but I thought I could still offer more of my thoughts by here, if it's helpful.

I think the story is well written, but I think it's longer than it needs to be. You can pretty much split the structure up into three acts.

The first establishes the teacher, the boy, and the perceived/expected father (the angry pissed off teacher hating one who we never actually meet). The second act is the parent-teacher meeting where the story establishes the woods, the serial killer, the activity of hunting, and the father we actually meet (the unexpected father I guess). The third act is the hunt itself where the story establises the bulk of the atmosphere, the revelation that this isn't the real father (the first twist) and then the werewolf transformation (the second twist).

This structure isn't broken by any means, I don't want to make it seem like I'm saying that, but I do think it could be more economical. I don't think we need to even meet the boy, and I don't think we need to see the teacher in a classroom environment. I think the key information in the first act could be injected straight into the second act, with the story beginning with the teacher feeling anxious over having to meet a parent who has a reputation for hostility. You could also make note of an inciting incident, like giving the boy after-school detention, as a reason for the teacher's fear just so it's extra clear.

I think this would be more effective because the scenario of a teacher anxiously waiting to meet an angry parent, before then conversing and befriending the parent, establishes the narrator, their job, the perceived/expected father, the real not-at-all-what-we-expected father, the woods, the serial killer, and the activity of hunting, all in one place. It also keeps the bulk of that establishing information right at the start, so when the next act begins the necessary information is fresh in our minds for when we finally get to see the woods in person.

In turn, I think you could use that extra room to elaborate on the serial killer/forest connection whilst in the forest itself. It would be a good place to build up tension and fear, and maybe even add some false scares. Overall the third act is paced well, and gets into the moment quickly and effectively, but it was also a place where you could have played with the audience a bit more. Maybe threw a few red herrings, or some more foreshadowing, our way.

I hope this helps, and that the in-depth feedback can be used in the future. I'll try to find some time tonight to offer feedback on the old lock on the WW.

Also this might not be the right place, but I was curious if you had any thoughts on my second story "Be Good to Him"? I haven't had any feedback yet and I'd like to know what you thought.