Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30891328-20161230024556/@comment-30891328-20161230153034

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Even after editing it there are still a lot of issues here. Tense swapping issues ("The person on the other end said, "I'm..... watching........ you....... Boy," in a voice that sounds like a demon.", "I just answered my phone and it is him.", etc.) capitalization (""I'm..... watching........ you....... Boy (boy),"", "Two months ago I went to bed, and a few hours later I heard the same voice from my dream It (. It/, it) was coming from my room vent.", etc.), punctuation ("Hello?", in a shaky voice."), and wording issues ("Three weeks ago, I was walking home from school and saw a (an) old man sitting at a bench, reading a newspaper.")

Well, this is my first time putting a story on this site, so with all these rules to making a story make this complicated and senseless.

Story issues: The story has a lot of bland descriptions. Lines like: "in a voice that sounds like a demon." and "That's all I could remember before waking up and I was breathing heavily." don't paint a vivid picture. Besides being n overused description, how does it sound like a demon's voice? Is it high-pitched and grating like nails on a chalkboard or is it low and rumbling like distant thunder? There are multiple ways to imagine a demon's voice so just calling it demonic is very generic.

Sorry 'bout that.

Story issues cont.: The dialogue also needs quite a lot of work. Lines like: "I'm..... watching........ you....... Boy," feel like they are ripped out of a horror movie attempting to be intimidating. Also, who talks like this, "They said, "Then thank God it was only a dream."? It comes off as unnecessary foreshadowing that feels unnatural and out of place.

For 1, I didn't get that line from a movie, I made it up. For 2, I know alot of people who say that.

Story issues cont.: Then there are the overused tropes. The ending is really cliche and feels completely out of place without any of the build-up necessary to make it make sense ("This might be my last thing I tell you guys. Because ........ he's right behind me.") This serial killer is executed for his crimes and suddenly is revived without any reference or setting up in the story. It doesn't really make for an interesting read to try and shoe-horn a trope in at the last second. I'm sorry but there are a lot of issues here and since you've uploaded this story three separate times, I'm going to warn you that the next time you post it, you will be banned.

Some of these creepypastas I read have ghost in them, do you not even know what a ghost is? Besides, how do you think the serial killler knew he'd have a ghost?

Thanks for the advide anyway!