Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27007772-20150202214631/@comment-25907694-20150203141355

So I’ll just include my thoughts as I’m reading.

First paragraph (not the notes part):

“Trees, lacking all leaves, moved and swayed with the wind”   -  I think that ‘lacking all leaves’ could be left out, it seems to be awkwardly worded, in my opinion. Could be changed to “The trees moved and swayed with the wind; the snow and freezing rain covered their naked branches.”

“The snow and rain were halted, but the chilled wind carried on through the cracks in the window frame.”    -  through the cracks in the window frame? Is that supposed to be ‘of’ ?



2nd paragraph (probably won’t be organizing them by paragraphs starting from now, as there’s dialogue and short one liners coming up):

“The chill pushed its way into the bedroom of Jackson Wilkerson, as he pulled the blankets even higher to his ears for warmth.”    -   the wording, ‘as he pulled the blankets even higher to his ears for warmth’ could be improved, I think.

You could put a period before ‘as’. Then add something like, “He pulled the blankets higher, covering his cold and red ears.”  Not the best, but, just providing suggestions.

“Jackson began to hear a creaking noise in his darkened room- his door.”  -  ‘in’ could be changed to ‘from’



Next paragraph:

“It sounded like to many footsteps to be a normal person.”   - ‘to’ changed to ‘too’ , just some typo

“There stood Natalie Sutton and Joseph Kaufman, long term friends of Jackson's.”  -  ‘term’ could be changed to ‘time’. Term isn’t the best use for the description there.



Next paragraph:

“With a comical sigh, he stood up slowly from his bed, stretching out his back the second he stood up.”

<p class="MsoNormal">You could omit ‘the second he stood up’. Then delete ‘out’. It’s not really a necessary description, what you wrote in, and it’s also somewhat awkwardly placed.

<p class="MsoNormal">“He was fully clothed, excluding a shirt.”  Again, the wording. Can be changed to “He was almost fully clothed and only missing his shirt.”

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<p class="MsoNormal">Next paragraph:

<p class="MsoNormal">“throwing it on right away”  -  ‘putting’ it on right away

<p class="MsoNormal">“With slightly dropped eyelids”  -  this is weirdly phrased, again.

<p class="MsoNormal">So far there a ton of little mistakes. I’m doing this while at school (high school), and I get free time frequently, but I don’t want this review thing to be so long.

<p class="MsoNormal">I think I’m going to stop micro analyzing this for grammar and wording, because there are way too many of them. Also I want to pay attention to the story.

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<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t understand why Jackson just threw away that interesting piece of brass. It couldn’t be worthless could it? I know I always keep interesting stuff I find, even interesting rocks and things like that. But I don’t know, could just be me.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Oooh, natalie’s a goner.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Well, it's kind of interesting. Obviously i would like to know how it is explained in the next parts, but there are a lot of tiny mistakes. Perhaps you could get a friend to read this and point out some stuff. Overall, the story was somewhat suspenseful, it was decent, not terrible, but not excellent.