Talk:Next/@comment-24351109-20140109234433

Don't constantly replace commas with dashes.

The flow of it is a little weird at times, like with the second paragraph, "It was getting colder out, and I hated winter. Joe’s farm was in the middle of nowhere, at least a ten-minute drive from my house. I lived in the downtown area, nothing at all close to the country. Lately I’ve had to get up at four in the morning and haul it through the slick and icy country roads to get to the old man’s place. My dad knew Joe I guess." This bit of information comes from nowhere and leaves the reader spinning for a moment.

You go back and forth from the future to the past in the same sentance sometimes.

When you write: '“Oh hey s-“ I trailed off' this actually shows the character is being cut off. When you want something to seem as though they are slowly trailing off, it would be "Oh hey sir..." etc.

Sometimes the descriptions of actions or emotions are very weird, for lack of a better word. " I was getting more and more fearful" or I can't remember exactly what it was but something like, falling down a throat. Just very odd ways to describe something. I know you are trying to convey a certain feel with the story, but it's worth pointing out.

All of that was just advice, I don't mean anything disrepsectful in the least. Take it or leave it as you want.

As for the story, it really lost any hope of being fun at the third to last paragraph. It jumps all over the place, barely making any sense. If you are trying to utterly confuse the reader, you've done a good job but I don't think the effect you gave was fully intentional. It sounds like classic, cliche alien stories mixed with gore. And total confusion. I found myself reading sentances over and over again trying to understand what you were trying to describe. It just doesn't make any sense and left me wanting to get through the story just so I could stop reading.