Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5697948-20140611170103/@comment-25558572-20140611171934

If this is a serious story, then it needs to be much longer. It reads like a summary, not an actual pasta, and while you probably could keep the main idea you have (it is somewhat original) you need to take a lot more time writing another draft. Creating a story is not a one-step process- there's lots you have to do, and the finished product always requires editing and proofreading. Keep trying.