Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20150521160433/@comment-25052433-20150527164004

So, I actually read this one last night, but my internet starting acting up and I wasn't able to respond, so, here it is, better late than never, right?

The one concern you seem to express here is making it more frightening or scary. Now, that is a difficult assessment to make, largely because everyone's personal view on what is scary is a little different. From my perspective, this one reads like more of a fantasy novel with horror undertones, which is great in my opinion, but may not bring that jump scare aspect that other people are looking for when they commented that it needs to be scarier.

What I see in this story, as well as the others, is that you are building up to something much larger, but you have to take the time to get it there. That is simply part of the process, and I feel that you'll be pleaesd with the results at the end. It may be the journey to the end that carries the more difficult challenges.

Where I think you're having the most problems here is in the transitions and the fill-out of the plot. This one is very wordy, as was the last, and that isn't a problem. I mean, my average story is at least 10,000 words, so I can understand the challenges that come with writing something very long that still manages to keep the reader locked in as tightly as a short story does.

To break this up, I would suggest that you transition to other charcters or other locations, whether that be through flashbacks, character perspective swaps or scene changes. You already have the dialogue down, so I wouldn't worry too much about that end of it.

Otherwise I am really digging this series. As I said before, it reminds me of quite a few works that I really love, like The Dark Tower and Ugly Americans.