Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180921010540/@comment-9041013-20180921203732

Okay Icy, you were right. This thing... This... evil... This... This... Monstrosity... it needs a bunch'a work.

So I'll help you with, I hope, I do, not tryint to discourage you here.

First of we start with, you're forgetting your English man, "Breathe" is a verb, "Breath" is a noun. You have some awkward phrasing around the beginning of the story. So, lemme do some rephrasing for you. Some of them are merely suggestions though so, you know. The revisions will be in brackets.

"Earlier that day, Steve visited a bar within a town he had never been [to] before. It was just a normal day, one that would seemingly go well. He was on a road trip to visit his great aunt, for her 90th birthday had come, and he wouldn't miss it for the world. After downing a few pints of beer, he tipped the bartender, thanked him, and exited mostly sober, excited to get on the road again.

Upon leaving the bar and stepping out into the streets, he noticed the landscape was barren. Not a cricket chirped within the midnight sky, and not a house within view stirred with any activity at all. Cautiously taking a few steps, he felt his heart begin to speed up, as a sudden feeling of loneliness consumed him.

What seemed like minutes ["Should've been a few minutes" is more suitable] of walking in the direction of his["The", or you could put "That" before "Purchased"] hotel room he purchased in the town turned into more minutes, and then even more. Each and every building he passed seemed the same, and not in a neighborhood-like fashion either[Remove "and not in a neigbourhood-like fashion" because you contracting yourself with the desciption of a very Suburban neighbourhood]. Each house had the same white and blue paint job, each lawn had the same cut and decorations["Along with the same law cut and decorations", sounds like you're using your English better this way tbh], and a shiny red car was parked in seemingly every driveway. The only true distinction between them, logically, would be the..."

Up to this point you seem to be repeating a lot of things to feel in space, dude, stories can be 500 words long and scary as hell. You don't need to type "and darker and darker" or "and worse and worse" replace the repetitions with phrases like "It felt as if it was getting X with each moment" etc, use comperative adjectives to accentuate your points in the descriptions, rather than repetitions.

As for the story itself, couple of things I found weird is why is this dude getting so creeped out by a shadow in the distance and why is he so creeped out by walking in circles as if it's the end of the world? Sure it is, for him, but like... come on... You are better than this, my friend.

So here's my view of this thing.

Steve [give him a last name], goes to visit his great aunt whom he is close to, because, it's basically a distant relative and we don't care about them too much. Important to mention that there is an existing relationship, briefly, in a few words. It's a multiday trip that he takes by car, or motorbike, stopping at some town he had never been to he enters the bar, as it's late gets a few beers. Steve gets a tad tipsy and begins going back to his vehile to get to the local hotel. As he walks out it's evening, not midnight (because people actually sleep during these hours, so nothing weird about it being empty...) and he begins walking. Now, Steve being a smart dude planned the whole trip and knows that the walk from the bar to the hotel should take no more than ten fifteen minutes or so but for whatever reason his walk seems to take him longer, at this point he still sees nothing odd and he just shrugs it off as him being more intoxicated than he originally thought. He keeps on walking until something completely mundate startles him shitless (a noisy object, a bat passing by, some animal running across him, something not weird and not too uncommon to find at night) After he freaks out and realizes how much of a fool he is for getting so worked up, he keeps on going and then notices, slowly, that he is familiar with the serroundings, until he finally realizes he is for whatever reason walking in circles, freaking out again only to try and brash it off as his drunkenness once more he notices something run by, a shadow, of something he hasn't ever seen before scoot closely by him disappearing into the darkness before letting out a horrible wheeling shrill into the night sending Steve into a mortified frenzy. He runs around until he finds his way out of the loop he has been stuck into a dead ended alleyway where the creature slowly reveals itself by walking around towards Steve, first he hears a sickening wheezing sound, then he starts hearing steps, as if there are a few people walking there, then he hears his name being called by a hoarse, vile sounding, hardly human something until he reveals itself in it's putrid fashion to Steve, the beast should be the worst thing Steve has ever seen, not person, not humanoid, thing.

The beast a vaguely humanoid looking creature that walks on four "hand" like legs spread sideways giving it a crab like walk, it has a very thin greyish furcoat revealing it's pulsating greyish skin and musculature. This thing's head is upside down with it's mouth filled with small jagger shark like teeth at the top while it's eyes are at the bottom, positioned kind of horizontally while one eye looks a big elongated and is vividly larger than the other while the other one looks kinda normal round. There is no nose on this thing, just a single cavity at the center of it's face. That thing has spiney portrusions on it's back and tail and walks with one side being higher than the other. It smells like rot inside a sport's sock (don't use this description) and as Steve sees this thing, he screams, closing his eyes, it disappears and when he opens them up it's gone. He starts feeling safe again and tries to pull out his utility knife, the beast shrieks above him he looks up and it's gone again, do this thing with it popping and "playing" with his mind for a bit and then let it jump on him and devour him in a very unpleasant fashion by biting into his guts and fighting him off whenever he tries to get it off, until he goes into shock and just starts talking to himself for a bit (hellucinations of memories, or a regret for not reaching his relative, the typical light in the distance - there's this russian girl who practically phone her mom the whole time a bear was eating her alive, at some point saying "It doesn't hurt anymore...", messy shit) as he hears the creature munch on his inside and then he passes from the blood loss and trauma.

That's my general idea, of course it's a suggestion but feel free to use it, or some of it, or whatever you like.