Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25623211-20141121024053/@comment-25701413-20141124193418

Let's start at the very beginning. The first paragraph is very similar to a rather famous pasta (http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Licking), which damages it somewhat.

The biggest problem the story hits is that it doesn't give itself time to build. The opening is a pasta in its own right, so everything from then on is adding to the climax. Adding the 'it was just a dream' cliche every paragraph doesn't help, especially when you blow your load (so to speak) in the second of four paragraphs, though i can see what you were trying to do.

For improvement, maybe tone down that first paragraph, or remove it altogether. Throwing the audience into the action right at the start, before you've even intrduced your monster, doesn't make for creepy stories. I'd also suggest making the story longer, as you've skimped on a large amount of detail. The only thing you really describe is the monster, and even that feels like it's not properly described. If it reminded you of a "Humanoid arachnid" it tells us little. Is it a spider that stands like a man, or a human torso on a spider? What does it "reminding" you of something mean? It's difficult to be scared of something when I'm still figuring out what it's supposed to be when i reach the ending four lines down. Build up the situation, let your audience feel like it's a situation they could be in, then they will get creeped out.

Additionally, constantly having the protagonist wake up ruins it. In the space of the pasta, short as it is, you lose any sense of fear before the climax as we know it will turn out to be a dream. I'd suggest you cut down on the waking up, to preserve the sense of danger, in addition to lengthening the paragraphs.