Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30402176-20170111165129/@comment-27905100-20170120054111

K. ARedgrave, since you haven't posted this, I'm going to assume it still needs feedback. I don't know whether or not you're going to post it on the site, but I'll help.

Normally I do a grammar check-in in this part, but I found one flaw, and that is where you used a number instead of writing it out (you used 3, not three).

Command + F to find.

Okay, since this is a micropasta, this is going to be a short review to match.

The first part is good, with the motivation and setup working quite well.

The second part seems more like plot than anything, but I'll give that a pass.

Finally, the ending. The Mindfuck. Anything you can call it. This was a brilliant concept, but I'm afraid you executed it poorly. The wording in the ending is quite strange, so much so that it's almost confusing. Another thing is, the police investigation scene is almost slapped-on. It's integral to the plot, and can feel natural, but the 'BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!11' part kind of ruined it for me. A better transition would do wonders for this story.

Just a final thought: this feels like it could be fleshed-out a bit, like if this were a third-person narrative (minus people thinking things and the narrator indirectly voicing thoughts, just saying they thought for a moment), and at the end it is revealed that the narrator was a person and this was actually a first-person narrative from Camera guy's perspective. Anyway, just an idea. No need to rewrite.

I could actually see this going up on the wiki if you made the changes I said above (minus the final thought). Good luck, and I hope to see this up soon. I'm a big fan of the micropasta genre, but I can't write it at all.

Anyway, good luck.