Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29969337-20161130180803/@comment-24101790-20161130185011

While I did like some of the descriptions being told in a simplistic yet descriptive manner ("He fell down and did a funny dance on the floor and he got frothy spit on his face like he was brushing his teeth."), there seem to be bigger issues here.

Here's the largest problem, the audience recognizes that it's coming from a child's perspective but there needs to be more of a balance here. Having spelling/grammatical/wording/capitalization/etc. errors on almost every line feels like you're forcing it a bit too much. You repeat a lot of errors which is a nice touch, but it's a bit excessive and ends up distracting the audience more than immersing them. The repeating phrases and simple sentences enhance the story a lot more than the dozens of errors.

It can also result in the audience questioning the protagonist. For example: "I am going to see the Skerry now so I can try the speshul swing. He sayed the best way to use it is to put my head in the loop and jump out of the tree and I will swing rite up hi into the sky" feels really forced. How exactly would an eight year old not recognize the dangers of hanging themselves? Did you possibly start out with the protagonist being younger and jump the age up midway through.

Here's a few examples that I think might help. Little Pink Backpack, a section from my series (sorry for the self-promotion, but it felt relevant), and Bright Eyes. These are told from children's perspectives (or from people with the mental capacity of children) and generally use errors quite effectively.

Additionally, I am wondering how the audience has come across this journal/post. Did the protagonist post it online (if so why)? Are they journal entries, if so, who is the person who uploaded this and what is their intention? To go deeper with this, if the Skerry showed the protagonist the rope swing, why are they writing about it now rather than playing/hanging on it? Would a kid who's about to go on a rollercoaster ride sit down and write about how awesome it's going to be or would they go to it? (They seemingly do all those other things like making a sling and a bow-and-arrow and then write about it, so why are they summing up their entire experience with the Skerry now?)

Back when I was an admin, I deleted a number of posted stories that were written from a child's perspective or used errors intentionally and my question was always this: Do the errors enhance the story? Is there a diminishing return for these mistakes? Is there a way to strengthen the plot/premise in a way so that it feels realistic without sacrificing horror or tension? I think this is one of those stories that might need a bit of revision/rewrites to make it work.