Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26365586-20150514035325/@comment-26007602-20150514172528

First off, there's no real need to double space the story, or use indentations as Ruckus mentioned.

I honestly find myself disagreeing with Ruckus. I think this story focuses on your OC far too much. Mr. Dupin actually just wrote a blog on this, which I'd recommend you go read.

The problem I see is the same problems with many other OC pastas. This creature is needlessly abused and snaps, killing the scientists. What kind of scientist sees this amazing little creature and his first instinct is to torture it (The iron maiden-esque device is also a bit too much. What purpose would that ever serve? It's only there to show how evil these other scientists are)? That's utterly ridiculous.

I'd check some of your science terms as well. A substance with a pH of 3 isn't very acidic (It's actually closer to vinegar, which is harmless). What is a "jellyfish enzyme"? You need to be more specific, as jellyfish have millions of enzymes. I'd at least name the black liquid as well, as it currently serves as a deus ex machina for creating life.

There's nothing particularly creepy about Ouranyx. He is carried by shock value in the gory ways he kills these scientists. Shock value is fine, but it needs to supplement horror rather than generate it. Yes, he's mutilating these people and eating them, but it just isn't scary. We've been desensitized to that sort of thing.

I'd also rename or consider removing the picture. First off, it is far too detailed to qualify as a scribble. Second, I think you should better describe the creature instead of using a picture in its place. I realize you want everyone to see your version of the OC, but its better that they have their own version, as each person will have a slightly different version that affects them better.

There's no real tension in the story, and that's where it suffers most. You don't build up to Ouranyx, as he simply appears because of our narrator's blunder (Which is a bit ridiculous as well), and he isn't hostile until people start torturing him. Perhaps you could have them run a series of tests and he becomes more agitated and hostile throughout those. Having a single, needless torture test is not sufficient for easing tension into the story.

I'll try and keep this short. As a final bit of advice, I'd take a good look at this. Your story, while not featuring an abused child (thankfully), does suffer many of the pitfalls that these stories do. I urge you to read through and keep those tips in mind if you decide to revise your story.