Talk:Sleeptalking/@comment-5000412-20141118220117

First, the "author's note" at the beginning really shouldn't exist. An author's note is a notification (whether it be for readers or editors) that's not part of the story or its plot. It's a note from the author, not the narrator. If you want to keep that "this really happened" point, do it as the beginning of the story. It keeps the voice of the story, so it should be in the story.

I agree with many of Grizzly Bear's points. Personally, I find the tense changes are some of the more distracting points. There are points of the narrator that should be described, and some that should be downright shown. An example of this is when he talks about O.C.D. That's a huge part of the narrator's character. It's not a part that he should just "happen" to mention. It should be something displayed early on, and given attention as the plot moves on.

If you choose to rework it, I'd recommend starting with the main faults, which would be tense, the many awkward phrases and filler words, and giving other character's more attention and personality.

-E