Talk:Date Night/@comment-5733573-20180830014459

It's okay. I like that it's almost set up like a classic fairy tale, but the ending was fairly predictable, and so it wasn't very shocking or scary.

That's not its biggest problem, however. What really sinks this story is the word choice. Always make sure you know exactly how a word is used and what it means before you add it to your story. There are too many places where you've used a word that doesn't fit. For instance, if the man has a "dwindling pocket," this literally means his pocket is getting smaller. It does not mean he's possessing less and less money. There are many other examples of this kind of confusion throughout your story, so they really need to be fixed. Clear this up, and it would be a perfectly adequate story.

What would make this story even better is to tease the woman's interest in children a bit more. Maybe she says on her profile that she loves kids. I suggest dropping the "I forgot I mentioned my daughter" business and use the child as a selling point to get the woman into the house. Sort of like a "come over to meet my daughter and have dinner" kind of thing. This will make the story feel more connected and strong.