Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31464474-20170803014215/@comment-32461413-20170803032827

I think you have a pretty neat idea here. Some guy following others everywhere is pretty creepy.

Getting into the issues: for starters, the text is weird; it's bolded for some reason. Also, you need to put an extra space in between paragraphs. This will make reading smoother as the bold text stands out too much and the lack of space in between paragraphs is clunky.

Perhaps it is years of english teachers preaching to me about this, but usually you wouldn't say "me and my friends" rather "my friends and me."

The grammar issues are numerous; you're missing punctuation (especially commas), you're capitalizing incorrectly. You're also mispelling words and in some cases using the wrong word. I suggest reading the Style Guide as it would be a huge benefit to these simple issues. Also, proofreading doesn't hurt.

You use some words such as "tunnels" as well as others so often that it is distracting. Read over your story and take note of some of the words that appear quite often like "tunnels." There are other areas with similar issues to this one.

You make some points that don't enhance the story, so I would just omit those. For example, the part about eating at a pizza place. That does not progress the story whatsoever; you could completely omit that part and still be fine. I would sugges though, keeping that part, and using it to build the story. For instance, your character's could discuss their plans to explore the bunker while eating pizza.

Although this isn't neccesarily a bad thing, I just thought it was interesting. However, I'm curious about the numbers the MC uses when estimating time. "13 minutes" or "28 minutes" are oddly specific. If I were nitpicky, I would round 13 to 15 and 28 to 30. Unless you have some reason for having these numbers. I just don't know how I feel about them.

The all caps you use in some parts to convey shouting is in bad taste. It just looks juvenile. I would suggest finding a more reasonable way to convey that idea of shouting.

I feel you could use more descriptive words in some areas. Especially your verbs. "Laugh," "walk," and "threw" are first impulses for conveying those actions. They're not wrong to use, however, you're missing out on a great opportunity for adding detail to your story. Being how short this is, you're going to need to cram in as much detail as possible. In respective order, "cackle," "crept," and "chucked" are stronger verbs.

When you change speakers, you always start a new paragraph.

So, some people go into the basement to turn the power on and never return. The host won't call the police in fear of his parents finding out about his party. He gives up when he hears footsteps coming up the stairs and calls the cops. What if the footsteps were the people who went down there? How did he know that it was someone else? Also, he didn't know that someone else was down there. Why wouldn't he try to look for the people who did go down there? If the power went out in my basement and I sent someone down there to go look and they didn't return, I wouldn't think that they were murdered or anything. I would think that they're working on a solution. Perhaps there were screams coming from downstairs or gunshots. There needs to be reasonable suspicion that something happened.

You need to build the story more. I feel the existence of the guy in the bunker should have some explanation. No, you don't have to explicitly tell his whole story, but at least drop some hints. Why was he there? Why does he go after the people who found his bunker? Etc.

In addition to description. The fight scene seems awkward. So they're kicking and throwing things at this creepy guy and he does nothing? He stands like a statue as people are wailing on him? There needs to be action there so it isn't stiff.

You also need to leave behind some sort of clues as to how this creepy person knew where the MC was. He almost just appears like slenderman in these places.

I almost feel that the ending is a buzzkill. Something finally is about to happen, and he is just arrested and taken away. I guess this is a fair enough resolution, I just feel you could have it be more impactful.

Overall, I feel the biggest thing you need to work on is description. There needs to be more background information, there needs to be more explanation (even just subtle hints) as to why things are happening, and of course, more colorful diction choices wouldn't hurt. I really do like your story, I think if you could make some revisions, you would have a more rounded and solid story. I hope you keep up with this story as I think even just a couple hours of revision could bring this story a long ways.