Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29454058-20160805085241/@comment-29454058-20160805224502

Bandit King Jack wrote: There are still a number of mechanical errors, but I'll let someone else handle those.

The story is rushed. There's not really a lot of explanation behind what's going on. All we know is that there is a kid who stayed up (while LAYING IN BED) and got... kidnapped, I guess? Then he was taken to some indoctrination center. It seems rather cliche, actually; there's a psychotic guy kidnapping kids. BUT, he's doing it magically, because ya' know. Those pesky parents might get in the way. Also, the guy runs a TV show.

Funny enough, he's also not that far from his home either. The police of any country would certainly never be smart enough to search everywhere around the area.

What I'm getting at here is that the story is rushed, cliche, and far from a realistic telling of events. How did the kid go from his friend's house to a place like that? Why didn't the parents of Anthony stop the "Mr. Bear" from taking the kids? Why were there so many dead ends in the vent (that's not how vents work, IIRC)? Why does this story remind me of 1999?

The cliche is the television show host kidnapping kids for whatever generic reason (like being a 'bad kid'.) It's been used quite a few times despite its flaws; no sane or smart kidnapper would ever find his victims using a tv show. It attracts attention. It makes things obvious.

Your story has a huge number of gaps and unanswered questions. Look at things from another person's perspective: When you read your own story and analyze it yourself, do you have any questions to yourself about it? Sorry it's taken me a few hours to reply man, but thanks for the feedback! I've only skimmed over it so I'll read through properly now and reply as I go along..

Funnily enough the writing process itself was rushed, I guess maybe that "rubbed off" on the actual story too, and maybe I should have put a couple of days/a week's work into it before posting rather than a couple hours directly into the text box on this site, more so for my first attempt, at least I could have looked over it myself and made the appropriate changes. Basically, in my mind the kid (Who I've just realized, I don't even think I named, the main character and to my knowledge, the only one without a name) he was laying in bed thinking and passed out due to tiredness, then was kidnapped in his sleep and woke up in the room. Have you read "Where The Bad Kids Go"? The place the kids are ended up is the room from that CreepyPasta, and the "Bad Kids Don't Stay Up Late" is from the TV program in that. I never accounted for the rest of the kids but there was nothing magical about the way the main character was taken, I'll get to that in a sec. And yes, the guy went on to run a TV show, but for the idea I had in mind it was unavoidable.

He was close to home, correct, I don't recall saying the police did search everywhere? Hence the guy getting away.

As I said, yes, the writing was a rushed process, and maybe that shows, also may be why it's an unrealistic explanation of events and again, maybe I should have spent longer writing in order to go int more detail, totally my own bad :L You know how Anthony is so worried about the whole "Bad kids don't stay up late" thing, and how earlier at the table his father says "Bad kids don't waste food" (Or something along those lines) I thought it was obvious, but now I'm thinking maybe not.. Anthony had already been subjected to this kind of treatment, from his father, who was also the person who both kidnapped the main character (I really should have given him a name) and he was the guy in the bear suit, which is why the kidnap was so easy and why it wasn't prevented. As for the vent, I'm no architect, I've no idea who vent systems are designed :L There are elements of both "Where The Bad Kids Go" and "1999", which may be what you're picking up on, I assumed 9/10 people have read both and would pick up on the connection, again, my bad, I'll post a brief explanation at the end of my reply how the both tie together.

At this minute in time, no, no questions, but I also haven't read it back as a story, just checking for typos and grammatical errors, so I didn't take it in as a story, I'll go back and read shortly.


 * How it all came together in my mind**

Basically, as I said, Anthony's father was the kidnapper, which is why it was so easy for the main character to to taken, this is also why Anthony was so worried about going to sleep on time. Anthony's father had taken the main character to the room from "Where The Bad Kids Go", later on the events of "Where The Bad Kids Go" takes place and the 2 stories cross over (Not going to go into detail in case you haven't read it). I did a bit of research and this story takes place in 1985, which, because of the idea I had (To tie 2 stories together that are otherwise unrelated) determined what the second story would be. After these events take place, the main character moves to Caledon, Canada, he gets on with his life and starts a family and then see's Mr. Bear on the TV. Mr. Bear in my story is THE Mr. Bear from "1999". The final line of my story is a direct quote from the original "1999" story. In my mind Mr. Bear was Anthony's father, who was also the guy behind the TV show and the room from "Where The Bad Kids Go". Kind of like TV is his thing, how he "gets" his victims, since that's what the original Mr. Bear did.