Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150723152004/@comment-25037895-20150727000703

The first time the flow went awry: "Into grief and could not awaken."

And here: "Since childhood’s time I have not been". That stanza has multiple lines that break the rhythm.

The changes toward the bottom improved the poem from what I can tell. Still, there's issues with the imagery, it's melodramatic because it lacks any real events, just a brewing storm of emotions. Something exciting or intriguing should happen.