User blog:XMechanicalXSpaceghost/Fear of abandonment

It has always worried me. tormented. Burned. It has scared me all my life and I try so hard to avoid it. Abandonment. Being left somewhere forever by my self. Trapped. Condemned to be alone, without the ones you love. Decay in silence. Corrupted is this thinking but I cant seem to get rid of it. Everyday I make him promise he will never leave me. I know it scares him but I have to be sure. Cant break a promise. If I end up alone it shall be the end.

"You never have to worry about that, I always come back don't i? "

I start to get worried again... "you didn't say you love me.." I felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

"I don't need to, you already know. " he smiled, which made me smile.

"Come back soon"

"Ill try, I love you."

" I love you too"

He kissed me goodbye and then he left.

He left. Maybe this time he wont come back.

This hell begins. The first few hours pass quite quickly as I killed time cleaning. Nothing left to clean.

Should probably go to sleep. All of a sudden I was alone in an attic, walls graffitied with products of insanity- helpless babble, pessimistic conclusions, messages for those who will never recieve them.

Who left me here? I start banging on the sky light window, I cant break it. I scream at the people walking past but they don't see me. No one is going to help me, I'll be here forever. Slowly decay into oblivion. I start crying helplessly with my head buried in my hands.

My eyes shoot open, my heart is pounding against my ribcage and I hear my pulse echo through my head rapidly. I'm on the lounge in my house. It is dark outside. Tears are still flowing from my eyes, it was just a dream. I grabbed my blanket and held it tight in my arms.

Maybe it could come true. I started crying then ran to the window. "Why isnt he home yet!" I looked at the clock, it was 9:00 PM. What if I don't recognise him when he gets back? I rushed to our photo on the bedside table. There we are, together. I am sinking further in to the recess of my mind. I get up to look in the mirror. I physically feel ill, he is the only one who makes me feel better. I don't know why he can stand me. I hate my personality, I hate everything about me. I fall deeper into the pit of self loathing. I gaze in the mirror closely. I see a black shadow reflected, that seemed to glide though the hall.

My hands tensed into fists and my blood ran cold. If I lock the door it could trap me in here. I need to see what it is. I really don't want to be alone right now. "Please help me..." I whispered to my self. I treaded slowly out of the room, being careful not to make much noise. I creep slowly through the hall and hear banging in the kitchen. I need to see what it is, I get closer. Im right next to the kitchen. I stick my head around the wall for a moment. There, I see it. I whimper softly, its skin is dead and grotesque, its wearing tattered blood stained robes. All colour has drained from my skin, im trembling uncontrollably I wont survive! Its consuming, burning, it knows.

Everything came to a halt. All went silent. I bring myself to have another look. Every thing is normal. Why is this happening? Was I seeing things? No it WAS real. It was. I can take it, I'm going crazy. I don't want it to get me, I must escape. I take the first steps towards the door. i stop for a moment to inhale. i hear heavy footsteps, not my own. "no..." i whisper barely audiable even to me. i know its behind me, i dare not turn around. im going to run towards the door, i might out run it if i get outside. i start counting in my mind " 1....2" it grabs me. i feel its deathly cold hands grasping me. "NO! NO!" i scream "LET ME GO! PLEASE!". the room is getting smaller and caving in on me. this is the end. i will die, trapped in my house.

<p style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(213, 212, 212); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; ">"hey im back" said a familiar voice, in a tone that wwas more calming that anything ive ever experienced. it then dawned on me that the voice came from behind me- from the lips of the thing that held me. i turned around to see HIS face. i collapsed, overwhelmed by relief. he carried me to the arm chair.

<p style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(213, 212, 212); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; ">"you came back"

<p style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(213, 212, 212); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; ">he laughed slightly "i said i would didnt i?"

<p style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(213, 212, 212); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; ">i smiled and clutched him tightly, never wanting to leave the embrace of protection.

<p style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(213, 212, 212); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; ">i glanced towards the door, there was a pile of old, tattered blood stained robes...