Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25012337-20140523015807/@comment-25012337-20140525231250

Laughing Jake wrote: I agree whole heartedly with Johnathen Stuart. I dont mean to be rude or hurtful, but this story was very bland and long winded. You were overly descriptive and redundant with parts that were fairly obvious to understand. And you werent descriptive enough with other things, like time frame between Jessie meeting Jeff, and them moving to a completely different state together. Also why does the character hate her mom so much? Her mother was sick and needed her care, and Jessie is spiteful to her.

Further more you said the helicopter was looking for the father for twenty four years, before you explained Jessie being found shot the same day as the "plan". How much time elapsed between her getting caught and her father being caught. And after murdering innocent people she complains about being treated unfairly by the prison guards. Also they wouldnt execute some one the same day they make the judgement. People live for years on death row. You also call the prison the super secret prison, you should just make a name up and explain that its a secret prison.

I could go on but I dont want to seem too nit-picky. But I dont think this was a very good story, it seems to be more of an action story than anything. And even the action was bland and uninspired. I apologize if this seems harsh, but I dont think anybody will give you much more positive feedback. I understand english is not your primary language, but you should really read your stories over and do your best to correct very awkward wording.

The last thing I want to point out is the PoV changes between first and third person, which is also confusing. I wish you the best with your writing, and think with practice you will do better, but this isnt written very well in many different aspects. Once again I apologize if this is harsh. It's ok criticizing this story, too bad I spent so much time making it and I was so proud of  myself for completing it.

I have a hard time trying to find errors in the story, however, I can't figure out where are them and why are they mistakes, even with an online spellchecker. If you could give me some examples from the story, this could help me a lot.