Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25389512-20141204042517/@comment-25809221-20141204142241

Er, wow. Where do I start?

Well first, I'm trying out a new review style where I review as I read. Hopefully this'll mean I don't miss anything. Secondly, I'm not nice, so buckle up Buttercup.

Simply put, this is a mess. You start with the same age old expositionary opener as just about every person on the planet. I don't give a fuck how old your character is, or how edgy he is because he doesn't like social media. It really isn't relevant to the plot what-so-ever and only serves as filler.

You do realise how social media works, right? It's not uncommon for people to follow or like a stranger's posts if they find them funny or interesting. That's what Twitter is. Yet for some reason because a stranger follows his Twitter it's the creepiest thing ever? Your character must be extrordinarly paranoid to have that mindset, as the average person wouldn't bat an eye.

You tell us Matt is acting strangely, but you gave us absolutely zero frame of reference. Give us something to contrast. Let us meet normal Matt before we meet paranoid scared Matt.

By the way, every line of dialogue is a new paragraph, and should be treated as such.

Skiming along because filler...I can see you cliche....skimming along because fil- and oh, he killed himself. WHOO PLOT TWIST. I didn't see that coming a mile away.

OH HOLY SHIT, APPARENTLY HE'S A MASTER HACKER NOW. Just so you know, it isn't exceptionally difficult to create an account on Twitter, or to steal someone's phone.

Wouldn't someone who is able to erase all trace of his existance at the flick of a finger have something better to do than harass some teenagers? Like holy shit, this guy must be bored.

I'm following you cliche number four thousand, eight hundred, and seventy six....

Been a year and I tried to move on cliche...

I found you cliche...

Why the hell is he so surprised? At this point the killer has correctly guessed enough fashion to win "Guess my Clothes!" eight times over.

Whoo, he's such a great hacker he can hack a fucking TV. That makes sense! On top of that, I think I would recognize the corpse of my friend who blew his fucking brains out pretty easily. In fact, I'd have a hard time forgetting about that.

Wow 2spooky ending.

Overall, you need a lot of work. I guess your grammar is somewhat passable, so that's a plus. Keep writing. I look forward to seeing improvment.