Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25015841-20140603154619/@comment-9967354-20140603160556

Well, I'd say that this isn't really a story that would be deleted immediately, but it needs some work. For one, there's the title. It sort of gives quite a bit away. Maaybe you could alter it a bit (for example: marbles, or something of the sort) so we, the readers, would be genuinely intrigued when Sally removes Jesse's eyes. Just a suggestion.

And where did sally come from? Is she a ghost? A guardian? Simlly a lunatic? I don't know anything about her and she's popped into the story I'm reading. Well that seems disturbs me a bit.

And lastly, why would his father


 * 1) Be normal


 * 1) Go crazy


 * 1) Be normal again


 * 1) Suddenly wonder what the heck's happened to his kid.

And the bit where Jesse agrees to kill him ruins it. It's his father. Against some random girl he's barely known! I'd say 'blood is thicker than water', but to be fair that phrase was derived from sonething that meant the exact opposite. Whatever. You get my point.