Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25547916-20151112172139/@comment-24304936-20151113210249

This is actually written very well.

There are a few grammar inconsistencies I noticed, but nothing that can't be easily fixed.

Also, I think you should tweak the demon's personality a bit better. It sounds entirely too superficial with how he talks. For example, when he says "Take good care of her, sport". That sounds like something a grandparent may say (no offense). The demon needs to be more menacing. From my experience it is less of what someone/something says than what you write to describe the them. Sure, the demon can have some dialogue, but make it more limited and focus more on the surroundings; the clink of the chain, the mother's desperate wheezing sounds etc. A reader's imagination can paint very unsettling pictures.

Besides those things, I don't see why this can't be up on the site. Good job.