Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26234922-20150322235845/@comment-24101790-20150323000359

The dialogue put in bold should be spaced out and properly capitalized as to distinguish it from other dialogue. "... my (My) name is Robyn Red…" Putting it in quotations would also help to differentiate the speaker from the narrative. Additionally you overuse ellipses. (15 + times) An ellipse is used to indicate a pause in dialogue or omission of words from a quote. Do not use it for dramatic pauses as that comes off as melodramatic. Also avoid indenting paragraphs as it can cause formatting issues. (As seen above)

Character development issues. This story really comes off as a means for introducing your CC (creepy pasta character) and the plot seems more like a vehicle for the character than a story itself. For example, you spend four sentences describing the character's outfit and four more on her physical description (Side note: avoid black and red eyes. It's been done to death and while on that topic, wrapping up with a police report also has been overused), but very little on her motivations/intentions. "her, “It’s a shame really. You would have made a fine proxy, but hunger considers no one,(.) She...”" Here is a guide that will elaborate a bit more on why building a story around an OC is generally never a good idea.

Story issues: this ties in with the paragraph above, but what exactly is the tension/conflict in this story? It's simply Robyn attacking Kate (twice) and then the story ends. There really isn't anything to set it apart from the dozens of other OC stories we get on a weekly basis (which also tend to be deleted quickly) There is little build-up or tension to the story. Additionally the mention of "proxies" also comes incredibly close to violating our No spinoff rule. The ending is also problematic: (")My precious baby is gone...(") The mother was barely featured in the story so concluding with her seems odd, especially considering you spent two large sections of the story focusing on Red Robyn and just having her walk off without her own conclusion/final statement seems odd. The story has some pretty large issues and as it seems more like a device for introducing Red Robyn than anything else.