Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26118289-20150217111917/@comment-26007602-20150218182102

Alright, for longer entries, I like to go over the broader issues first and then address specific points in order.

As you mentioned above, you need spaces in between each paragraph. If you're not in source mode when you edit, that may be the issue. Your grammar was fine for the most part, although you tend to overuse ellipses. They only need to be used inside of dialogue to indicate pauses in conversation; outside of dialogue, they come off as melodramatic.

This leads into my major issue with the story; it does not read like a diary. Relating with the ellipses above, it makes no sense for the character to try and build suspense in his diary. No one would write "Blood... so much blood...", they would instead write something along the lines of, "There was so much blood." The character probably wouldn't be able to perfectly recant a conversation he had with Kate, nor would he be willing to write it down. This whole story reads like you telling the story, when it should be the character telling the story.

Let's address the specifics.

This guy starts off by saying he won an award. Cool. Then he immediately talks about his friend was recently murdered. Hang on a second. Which of the two events look more important to you? If my friend died, I sure as hell would not be bragging about some award I won; I'd be describing how my friend's death affected me and everyone else. That's a large part of this story missing. The character doesn't seem affected at all over his friend's deaths, instead focusing on Kate (More on her later). This may seem inconsequential, but diary stories (Good one's anyway) are largely about the character and how the strange events affect them, not the events sole by themselves.

Let's talk about this RX-7. I don't find it scary. It's a slick car. Not something a murderer would drive around in (Especially not a demon as we find out later). I don't know what to tell you honestly, only that the car isn't creepy in the least. You're description of it in the wreck was pretty good (Although I do wonder how Caleb gets ahold of that information; a newspaper would not print out those details), but it just isn't threatening. I'd almost advise you to go with a more clichéd car choice, something older and more beat up, because the RX-7 just isn't cutting it.

Let's start talking about Kate. Your description of her was fairly well done except for this line, "Her face was similar to that of a petite Lolita doll". Now maybe this is just me or a cultural thing, but I have no idea what a Lolita doll is; this gives me no description of her face. Additionally, the only Lolita I can think of is much different than what you are probably describing.

But the character's sudden infatuation with Kate is ridiculous. Their relationship is way too fast. New girl at school, just met, asked her out, kissed, had sex only four days later (Even after the main character finds out she's a demon). Maybe I've been doing it wrong all these years, but I believe their relationship moves at far too quick of a pace.

This is probably the most annoying thing about this story. One second, Caleb is writing about how scared he is of this car killer, then he suddenly switches topics about how "Kate and I went shopping". Not only is it uninteresting, it makes no sense. If you are fearing for your life, then you are not going to talk about how cool your new girlfriend is.

"We kissed, and then I saw her off. Apart from the thing involving Kyle and possibly the RX-7, today was the best day of my life." Oh yeah, except for the fact that my best friend was freaking murdered, today was pretty chill. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? Additionally, who is Kyle? He is introduced to be immediately killed off. The protagonist doesn't care and neither do I (And you want both of us to have some kind of reaction).

Also, after approximately one date, Kate and Caleb fall in love. No. Have Kate and Caleb in a relationship prior to the beginning of the story so this doesn't look so unrealistic.

"A feeling of dread started rising within me, like I was next. Oh well, as long as I don’t see the RX-7 or the driver, I’m safe." Come on Caleb, be a little concerned or have some remorse that your best friend was freaking murdered.

You introduce far too many characters too late into the story, "my best friend Ivan, his girlfriend Maria, Alex the glasses guy and Lucy, who was Kyle’s girlfriend." We as readers know that all of these people will be killed off sequentially. And we are right. These people are cannon fodder. That's fine, just introduce them a bit earlier and maybe give them some character interactions so their sole purpose isn't to die.

Our character receives a text and must go save his damsel in distress. This makes me wonder, where the hell are these guys' parents? If they were college students I could understand their independence, but they're in high school, right?

Demon transformation was nice; could have done with a bit more though.

"so I was desperately hoping I hadn’t done her like a dirty rag while I was drunk" I don't really like this line. Maybe its because the character basically says, hope I didn't rape her and then leaves. After he watched her turn into a demon.

This begs the question, when did the character get a chance to write about this? He blacks out and then wakes up at Kate's. But he doesn't remember anything. But he still managed to write a whole entry about it. Do you see the problem with the lost time?

"Kate was probably feeling the same thing. She led me to her room. It was a decently sized room, with a desk and chair, a queen size bed and some cupboards. We hugged and kissed for a minute or two…" There are so many things wrong with this part. For one, Caleb's friends have been freaking murdered and he doesn't care for his own life or theirs. Two, he watched Kate turn into a freaking demon.  But now he decides to go bang her. Why? For fucks sake, why? Maybe if you gave some indication that Kate was a seductress, then it would make sense. But right now, this makes no sense whatsoever.

Also, they had sex on four days after they met. This doesn't make me think they're in love, it makes me think Kate is a slut.

I actually think the whole sex part was pretty spot on for what a guy would write in their journal.

"I woke up to the sound of Kate crying." What, did you have sex, journal about it, and then go to sleep? When is he writing these?

"I slowly slid out from under the sheets to check my phone. ‘Please, please don’t be dead, one of you,’ I said in my mind, wishing for my remaining friends’ safety" This is the first indicator Caleb has ever been concerned about his friends. More like this.

"This voice sounded a lot deeper than Kate’s voice. It was an unnatural bass voice, comparable to that of Darth Vader." Don't compare a demon's voice to Darth Vader when you're trying to be serious.

Oh look, the killer is finally back. Forgot there was any danger for a while there.

Ivan and Maria die, just as planned, no shock there. There's no impact with their deaths; you need to give them some character.

"I told him about a demon possessing Kate and telling her to kill us. I also added the fact that I got laid." My girlfriend turned into a demon! And then I fucked her! <== Do you see the issue there? Not something you want to brag about. Also, the protagonist seems rather unworried that he screwed a demon.

At this point, I don't know why you focused on the RX-7, when this whole story is about Kate. The car is actually meaningless if Kate is the killer without always using the car. Maybe you wanted a red herring, but you shouldn't try to deceive your reader on what the story is actually about.

Honestly, I'll stop there. This review is definitely long enough.