Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26303839-20150412192449/@comment-25825682-20150414230531

Well, I'm generally nice in my reviews, so I will say this is similar to the "Jeff the killer," mechanic. Not only that, but it also has a similarity to the "Kuchisake Onna," mechanic e.g “Do you like me and be truthful with your answer,” which is like the "Do you think I'm pretty," question.

I know this is your first story, but to be honest after going from the 7 year old girl story to Leigh, I assumed Leigh was the "The girl covered in caution tape." That's not good I predicted that so early. The gang of boys also gave me the impression they were the reason she looks like that. Additionally, friends betraying you is not a solid reason to be a killer, friends come and go and yeah they do betray you, I've had plenty. The only reason I could understand why she reacted this way is that might she have a dependent personality disorder.

A last thing about the story, a lot seems too illogical. I know some horror has illogic, but it's still made in a way to be plausable. This doesn't do it, one examlpe are all the wounds she received and just miraculously has the strength to not only swim out of the pond, but get all the way home. Another was her lie about the earlier stab wounds she received, technically you would need medical attention and won't just go out the next day or soon after. This quality makes her seem less human and more superhuman, again not good.

Sorry, but I have to say this needs a re-write concept wise and grammar (a lot of those I saw). Now don't assume I'm being harsh, I'm not belittling your writting skills here, just stating things others might say. Anyway, I don't know the rule here on serial killers, but a lot of other writing sites say it's overdone.

-I hope you change this immensily to be more original, or you write something new to your taste that's not been seen a lot.