Talk:Small Talk/@comment-27595820-20160210015613

I adore this pasta, but I have one major problem with the writing that I'd like to bring up. In a story where the character has mental breakdown or forgets something, or maybe is hallucinating the whole thing, there needs to be some kind of allusion to him/her/them coming back to reality. Not stated that way, but as someone who has suffered from full blown visual and auditory hallucinations I can tell you that episodes like this are followed by the feeling of a fog lifting. You'd be amazed at how a single line saying something like "Suddenly the roaring laughter and menacing grin of Cal were gone, and Richard felt a strange weight he hadn't noticed before lift from his entire body." And THEN his shoulder gets hit. Cal's character is seen as far more enigmatic, instead of just a villainous psycho, and the ending is waaaaay creepier if the readers fully aware that Richard isn't well. It creates immersion for the reader to visualize the very real phenomenon of breaking from a lapse in lucidity. As of right now it seems like Richard is just stupid. The audience can maybe deduce that he's got some kind of disorder, but painting it as a side effect of some unknown, unexplainable mental affliction really puts readers on edge. Amazing what a single line can do, innit? Overall though, 9.5/10 I love this story so much,