Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25880794-20141218211249/@comment-24381191-20141219215409

First off, your story has formatting problems. I don't know how the text got into those boxes, but it might be a cause for deletion. There is a girl that lives on my block that I fell in love with the first time I saw her. Shouldn't this be 'There was a girl that lived on my block?' Also, this sentence is just too unrealistic and more like a cheesy romance flick. A more appropriate word might be 'obssessed' instead of 'fell in love.'

''She was there by the old willow tree, a smile on her face as I looked across from by backyard; immediately mesmerized by those eyes. I didn't know her name, I didn't know how old she was, but something told me I needed to know more about her.''

Kinda stalker-y if you ask me, but this one is okay. I walked back into my kitchen where my mom was baking something, a cake I think and asked her who had moved into the house next door. She didn't really bother replying too busy cooking for the Sunday brunch for everyone that evening. I decided to sneak a piece of cake to the cute girl, walked across the yard to where she sat under the tree, her giggle immediately intoxicating me. We sat there, I think I talked her ear off; I knew I was in love. '..mom was baking something, a cake I think.' In the next line you confirm it was a cake, so you can just write '...mom was baking a cake.' 'for the Sunday brunch for everyone that evening' is also unneeded. Just leave it off at 'too busy cooking.' Also, there should be a comma before 'too busy.' The next sentence can be split into two sentences. ' I decided to sneak a piece of cake to the cute girl.' and 'I   walked across the yard to where she sat under the tree, her giggle immediately intoxicating me.'

Before the next sentence, you could write something like, 'I gave her the cake. We talked and immediately hit it off.' just to make it transition better.

'I knew I was in love.' You should probably replace this with something like 'I was smitten by her.' I spent everyday after that with her'',I remember the first gift I got her that beautiful pearl necklace she wore so proudly, her smile just became even wider. She loved me too, I could see it in her eyes. I was so happy to be hers and to know that we would never be apart from each other. One day though I came home and I couldn't find her, I panicked wondering if her family had moved and I hadn't heard anything from her. I rushed to my mom's side, asking her what had happened to my girl.''

Hate to be a grammar Nazi but after I remember the first gift I got her there should be a period. Also, you dated for less than a month and got her a pearl necklace? Too much, isn't it? Aren't pearls really expensive? Also, it's pretty premature to confirm you're in love with each other, maybe you just make her really happy, she's not neccessarily in love with you. This line is pretty cheesy. Also, you couldn't find her one time and you panicked? Why? She has her own life too, she's not going to be there for you every second of the day. And why'd you go to your mom? Maybe ask her parents where she is.

She asked me who I was asking about and my foolishness remembered I had never told my mother about the love of my life.

You dated for a month, she's not the love of your life, also, your mom can't be completely oblivious to you spending so much time with her. ''"Where did you go and spend time with this girl?" My mother asked, so I took her to the tree where she and I had carved out our initials. She shook her head, a tear streaming down her face and I asked her what was wrong.'' ''"This is where they found the body, laying here under the tree decomposing, that poor little girl," she replied. '' 'A tear streaming down her face.' You could replace this with something like 'a tear flowed down her cheek,' or 'her eyes misted over.' ''"Someone hurt her?" I asked in surprise, a feeling of nausea going thru my body, but what she said next haunted me even longer, "She died a month ago... Her body was laying under this tree the whole time, it wasn't found until a dog dug up the body, worms devouring what little skin she had left."''

You misspelled through. Your dialogue, and your mom's dialoge should be in separate paragraphs. Like so:

''"Someone hurt her?" I asked in surprise, a feeling of nausea going thru my body, but what she said next haunted me even longer.''

<p style="margin-bottom:1em;color:rgb(212,212,213);">"She died a month ago... Her body was laying under this tree the whole time, it wasn't found until a dog dug up the body, worms devouring what little skin she had left."

<p style="margin-bottom:1em;color:rgb(212,212,213);">Also, 'haunted me even longer.' What? 'Haunted me even more' or 'terrified me even more would make more sense.

<p style="color:rgb(212,212,213);margin-bottom:0px!important;">''I wondered, had I talked to her ghost... Or to her corpse?''

If you had told us before how long you two had been dating, this last line would have been totally unnecessary and the punchline would have had more effect. Also, not corpse, since it would have been taken by the authorities.

A plot hole I noticed: Why didn't his mom know about the girl? I mean, sure he's a teenager and isn't going to tell her everything, but if he spends so much time with her, she probably knows about the girl. Or has at least seen him talking to nothing.

So, all in all, sloppy execution, awkward phrasing, plot holes and lacking in creepiness. You need to put in more work and try to work around the plot holes. Sorry if this was rude.