Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140730060157/@comment-25148755-20140731042643

I disagree about the funeral comment. Obviously nobody enjoys funerals, but some people have a greater aversion to them than others. I don't see any problem with that line...shows the extent the sister is willing to go to in order to try to seem 'normal.'

You have a verb tense issue in the paragraph starting "Though everything seemed to be looking positive." You are in past tense for most of the story, switch to present tense for a while there, then back to past tense.

I agree about the ending. It doesn't really feel like an open ending, but rather that you just stopped writing. I think you might be able to work what you have, but it would probably require a little more build up. The line about being startled and the urine flowing down...eh, didn't really do much. Seemed more funny or embarassing than scary. I do like the setup at the end though with the basement and the dark.

I love the title and the way you work it into the story...it is definitely not what I was thinking of when I first saw it. Perhaps one thing you could explore more is if there is any connection (even one hinted at) between the mother dying and the creature, or multiple ways in which the house is a "tomb."

I appreciate your writing style. It's decently descriptive without being forced and has an easy flow to it. I'd give this 6.5/10 as is but potential to be considerably higher than that with a bit more polish.