Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27190570-20151111231520/@comment-24101790-20151112024006

Wording: "It was a dreary kind of day, the kind of day", "and befriending me inevitably I meant befriending Eric", "James was the newest addition to our little circle of friends, befriending Eric back in 6th grade, and, of course, befriending Eric meant befriending me." (Redundant) Run on sentences: "My mother gave me my sleeping bag, which was freshly washed, and told me to behave myself, and to call her if I needed anything, and to tell Eric's mom she said hi, and so on and so forth."

Punctuation: "(Which I should add that we never drank, due to what happened that night(period missing)", "(It was October of 2004 and we unanimously decided on John Kerry, political debates aren't as much fun when everyone agrees with each other)". If a complete sentence is in a parenthetical, treat it as such with proper punctuation. "an(,/:) "Oh no, not me/We never lost control"." "Samantha sounded defensive(comma missing) “You can’t tell me you aren’t scared at all.”" A majority of your dialogue is missing punctuation before quotations and missing from inside quotations.

Spacing: "in.I said hello to his mother,", " with supplies and, of course, his obligatory one can of beer", "and Dr.Pepper", etc. Capitalization issues: "nicer Cul-de-sac", ""Come on losers!" She (she) called", "“That seems like a solid plan.” Said (said) James matter of factly.", "at (at) this point, Samantha swore with a speed and veracity I have never heard before."

Story issues: after the camping scene, the story feels very rushed. The conclusion: "I write because I know it’s coming for me next." has been overdone and really isn't effective in the story as the entity doesn't feel like it's been pursuing the protagonist through-out the story, so it just feels like something tagged on to make it spookier.