Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9584883-20150217160417/@comment-25148755-20150218034339

Yeah I got a Jennifer's Body/Tamara/Carrie vibe from what you have here. It's a good concept, could definitely work. I'm having a hard time really judging what you have so far, because some of the stuff I don't like about it I think might be in there intentionally. For one, I don't really commiserate with the protagonist, which I kinda feel bad about since she was raped and murdered. But she acts like such a stuck up bitch (I'm the hottest cheerleader on the squad!), even just talking in her head, she's really not likable. But then I referenced the title and I was like, damn, maybe that's the point.

Something that threw me a little was the level of violence done to her by the boys. It just didn't come off as realistic...that's not normal behavior, even for like your really out there teenage sickos. I'm curious if there wasn't something maybe driving their primal instincts to the fore, because you just don't see that kind of group violence like, well, ever. Not planned like that. Shit at a party gets out of hand, sure. An individual goes off their rocker and does something terrible, I guess. But a group of, conceivably, three or more males conspiring to kidnap, rape and murder this girl? That's a little darker than I've seen most high school stuff go even on SVU. But then again, it's right up there with some of the craziness that goes down in these so-bad-theyre-good B-movies, so maybe that's the intent.

The part at the beginning where she says "I'm sure you figured it out by now." I hadn't actually. Probably read too many creepypastas but I'm like "well, she's probably either undead, buried alive, trapped in some kind of insidious torture box, etc, etc." so yeah I really wasn't sure where it was gonna be going.

Billy Jackson: brought downtown to be interrogated with his good buddies John Smith and Joe Johnson, together known as "The Common Name Compatriots." (again, not sure if lazy or meta-B-movie schlock...you decide!)

Forcing the title into the narrative. And then the vastly overused line at the end. Same same.

Anyways, I think it'd be worth developing. Curious to see how she dispatches her assaulters. With luck she'll be doing cheers while dual-wielding chainsaws.