Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26968151-20170621144444/@comment-28060931-20170622184106

Fred was, once again, furious. His face turned red, his face scrunched up, and his breathing became fast-paced. He tried to clench his fists, and he succeeded in doing that with his left. However, in his right hand he felt a heavy, cold object. It was there again, the gun.'''[This whole paragraph, like the rest of the story, suffers mainly from poor sentence structure. The first sentence feel bloated and disconnected because you put the "once again" in the middle, it would sound much better if you said "Once again, Fred was furious." It's a lot more direct. And, in the second sentace you included the words "his face" twice is rapid succesion, that really impeded the flow. Try to use a diverse range of expressions, and not include the same word in the same sentence again, unless it's to create effect, or unavoidable. The third sentence sounds clumsy, the wording is horrible. Try replacing the word "and" with "but", and try saying: "He tried to clench his fists, but only his left hand would close." And I would recommend connecting that and the next sentance with a semicolon. I think it would flow better since a semicolon is usually used to connect two similar idea which would aslo fit in as standalone sentences."

“Fred, wh- what… where did you get that?” his girlfriend Janice asked wearily.'''[Did you mean "wary", because if you meant wearily than that suggested Fred sticks up Janice every so often, when he feels like it, and she's just tired of getting stuck up over and over again, like it's a regular habit with him. Also the dialogue here, and in the rest of the story, feels forced and unrealistic.]'''

“NEVERMIND THAT! WHY DID YOU CHEAT?” Fred shouted, fuming with rage. A relationship of three years that ended in betrayal and infidelity. He tried to let go of the gun, but it seemed like it was superglued to his hand.'''[Use italics instead of caps. just put two apostrophes before and after a word, or press the button on the bottom of the editing box. Also the second sentence doesn't really fit in, it's a statement not really connected to anything, and just feels awkward.]'''

“I- I’m so sorry, Fred. I- just let go of it, please,” Janice stuttered. Tears streamed down her face and she had her hands held up in front of her in futile protection.

“I can’t. Sorry,” Fred replied. “I can’t let go of it.”[He's pretty fucking relaxed about all of this.]

But just then, the gun fell onto the white, marble floor of the kitchen. Clang! For a moment, there was no speaking and just heavy breathing. Then Janice rushed out of the kitchen. Fred stood still, ashamed and looking at the shiny black gun on the floor. He heard her leave through the front door. That gun… that damn gun. The gun that kept materializing in his right hand out of nowhere. One second, it wasn’t there. The other, it was. This strange thing started happening about a year ago. It had always happened when he was by himself, losing in a video game or searching for his car keys. The only thing linking the incidents was that he was filled with rage.'[Put italics around the Clang!''. Also, try to state things as cleary as possible, cut out any possible fluff words, look for parts of the sentance which don't need to be there. And try to cut out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible. And try to state things directly, use things like "bad" instead of "not good", this is just general advice as I noticed a lot of fluff like this in the story: "For a moment, there was no speaking and just heavy breathing." should be "For a moment, there was silence, interrupted only by heavy breathing"]'''

What the hell is wrong with me?

He blinked, and the gun he was staring at vanished. Hours passed, and there came an authorities knocking at the door. Fred walked to the door, and put his eye to the peephole. He saw police cars parked in his driveway and along the street. It was a policewoman at the door. She knocked again. Fred unlocked it.'["There came the'' authorities." Also, try to use strong verbs all the time, "peeped through the keyhole," instead of what you did. And you repeat the word 'door' three times in three lines.]'''

“Sir, this is the Police Department of-” she said before raising her gun suddenly at Fred. Her eyes were widened and alert. “Put that gun down now, sir!” The officers from the other cars got out and raised theirs at the bewildered Fred.'''[What other cars? You have to mention things before they suddenly pop out of nowhere.]'''

It’s here again? No!'''[What's here again, and who's thinking this. I assume Fred, but it's not explained.]'''

This is a first. It only ever happened when he was frustrated or angry in some way before. He guessed that maybe it also happens when he is terribly nervous.[So he has some mysterious ailment which wouldn't let him go off the gun?]

“Put the gun DOWN!” she screamed. Other officers were chiming in. They were telling him that they would shoot if he didn’t let go. Fred was shaking uncontrollably. His hands were immobile. The gun stayed there, in his tight grip, pointing down at the porch.

“I can’t move my…” Fred stopped talking as he watched as his right hand slowly started swinging up the air. His arm, straight and stiff, was completely numb at this point. It wasn’t his any longer. The screams of the officers were strangely dim. It was like the background noise of something more significant. That was, the ominous, soft voice talking to him in his mind as he tried to fight for control of his arm again. It sounded like his own.[Again, this sentence suffers from repetive structure, and badly formed sentences.]

Do it. Or it’ll be pointing at yourself next time. Do it already.'''[Is this the voice speaking, or what? Because, once more, nothing was explained.]'''

His fingers were still movable, however. It was almost like he was given the choice of whether to pull the trigger or not.

The next thing he remembered was waking up in a hospital room, with the weapon in his right hand. He looked under the blanket. What he saw made him sweat. His finger was on the trigger, but he didn’t feel anything. In a single, swift movement the gun turned and pointed towards his face. The last thing Fred heard was laughter that sounded an awful lot like his own.[I was in this situation once. When I woke up, I wondered what the fuck I took.]'''

Okay, so this story suffers from a couple of things. Mainly, it doesn't know where the fuck it's going. This seems like a vague outline for a plot. Nothing is properly explained, things happen out of the blue and so on. Random voices and maniacs are scary anymore. We don't know anything about these characters.

There are two ways I could see this story going: one, a psychological thriller about an unstable and homocidal man in a relationship, which ends fatally, this would require us to have more information on Janice and Fred, and you would have to humanize Fred in some way to help us sympathize with him. The fear here would come from how normal, and ordinary a killer may be if some certain things would tick him off. This has been a hundred times, but there is room for innovation. And the voices might be a nice touch, and if you do this, then maybe add a couple of scenes where the girlfriend is so loyal that she overlooks a couple of times when Fred points a gun at her. This would some more dimensions to the characters if done right.

The other way I could see this going is if the focus was not on the relationship but on the schizophrenia or what the fuck ever the character has. This would require you expanding on his illness, on why he couldn't control that gun, on how the voices came to be, and all. This could be either about some form of ghostly possession, or some mental disease. What I'm saying is, expand on this story, on the characters, on the voices and the gun, and fix the poor sentances.

Anyway, sorry if this review was incohesive or plainly bad, but I'm tired and am not in a good mental state lately. I hope Empy can give you a more in-depth review soon, but this'll have to do for now.