Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-4715955-20160108015254

SnakeTongue237 wrote: Okay, tell me, does this sound better?

"''There was the immediate protest of metal as the car was impacted. I screamed as pieces of flying shrapnel imbedded themselves all over my body. My arm was jerked backwards and sliced cleanly by my shattered window. Through my agony, I had the sense to slam on the breaks. However, I could not predict how my head would be hurled back hard to slam against the plastic sheeting between the windows. I blacked out before my car slid into a ditch and caught aflame." ''

It is better, but still needs a lot of work. I've been meaning to ask, is English your second language? A lot of passages come off that way with the odd way improper words are used.

There was the immediate protest of metal as the car was impacted.

Metal doesn't protest. It does groan when bent out of shape, however. Even so, you're not likely to hear that in a car crash: what you'll hear is the boom of the impact, the smashing of glass, the airbag deploying, screeching tires. You'r totally disoriented for several seconds as the world gets flipped upside-down, and your lungs probably collapse, so for a few moments after the crash you have difficulty breathing (assuming you're still conscious). Then you slowly realize what happened and shock washes over you: everything seems kind of dream-like as you get out of the car to assess the damage, assuming you weren't critically injured.

You might try describing the disorientation instead of the details as they happen, since the driver would be too disoriented to take note of those details. He likely wouldn't notice the glass fragments in his skin until after the crash, where it would then slowly dawn on him, "Holy shit, I'm hurt".

And remember to be as concise as possible. Simplify your sentences for five-year-olds if you have to. From there you can sparingly add embellishments to touch it up a bit.

Through my agony, I had the sense to slam on the [brakes]. => I slammed on the brakes.

I blacked out before my car slid into a ditch and caught aflame. => I blacked out. => The car tumbled into a ditch and I blacked out.