Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140801072908/@comment-10950063-20140802124808

I won't harp on the lack of creepiness, since it's already been mentioned, but it should be addressed. This isn't creepypasta. We're very loose with what we define as CP. There are stories like Love which aren't creepy, have as much of a supernatural/paranormal element as this one, but we allow them. The difference is quality and content.

This isn't written poorly, but the content is incredibly juvenile and downright silly. I have to agree with others that this immediately makes me think you're probably 14-16-years-old. You've created weak, strawman-esque scenarios that try to maximize the pity factor in obvious, artless ways. You completely ignore any complexity of people or situations.

"The prison system is so corrupt no one cares about the fate of the innocent falsely accused. The fate of an ingenue would be sealed just as easily as a hardened criminal."

This section makes it sound like we convict people and IMMEDIATELY execute them. Also, the idea that no one cares about the falsely accused is the thinking of an immature cynic. Of course people care. That's why there's an appeal process. That's why it takes decades to execute someone.

"While a woman bathes, listening to soft jazz on her laptop, the webcam watches her, recording her ever so embarrassing karaoke session without even a whisper of consent. "

I mean. . .why would it do that? Again, it feels like a child thinking, "OMG THE GOVERMINT SPIS ON US ALL THE TIME." Do they spy, yeah, we know that. Can they turn on any webcam remotely and spy on someone, there's a good chance. You make it sound like they're always on, they're always recording and being watched by government perverts. I don't think the government has enough money to pay that many perverts.

" I'm sure the girl was let go as her manager stared down at her with lecturing eyes before sending her away towards the back. Poor girl. "

This is the lamest. Humanity is terrible because sometimes people are dicks. The first on the list of injustices. First off, you paint this lady as a stupid monster and this teenaged girl as an angel. That's usually not how the world works. This is what I'm talking about in terms of complexity. Most people are shitty for a reason. They're having a bad day, they project it on other people. Not considering the reasons WHY people are the way they are is one of the things that is actually tragic about humanity.

Then this girl gets fired. Why? Solely because it makes this situation so sad. But it's not, because it's ridiculous. You literally have this girl being fired because a customer touched the outside of a hot cup of coffee. Most bosses don't fire you for screwing up once. Especially jobs like being barista. It's this kind of misunderstanding that completely undermines what you're trying to achieve.

It's even worse when you write about the homeless man. You're trying to create this tower of pity. At the base is that people are rude to homeless people. All people to all homeless people, right? But not only is he homeless, but he's a veteran. Not only is he a veteran but he lot a limb in combat. Not only did he lose a limb in combat, but his wife left him. Not only did his wife leave him, but he couldn't make any money.

Its eye-rolling and it's immature. First, you completely ignore that the military has a support system for soldiers. You ignore the fact that there's a lot of jobs you can do with a prosthetic leg, that people like to hire veterans. The biggest thing you ignore, the thing that's so immature is that your thinking is, "People are so terrible because they don't support this imaginary man!"

The real problem is that things like this can happen to veterans, but it's the fault of a shoddy veteran's affairs system. Why are you blaming random passers-by on the street when this is actually a disgusting and serious thing.

You also assume that humanity has been getting worse, an idea that ignores, you know, history. You know, like how until a hundred years or so ago rape was basically a given fact of warfare. Or, how we used to build asylums that were essentially free-range prisons for the mentally challenged and mentally disturbed. Or, I don't know, slavery. You're ignoring so many huge, terrible things that we have realized are wrong and have stopped. But our hearts are SO BLACK! Sometimes people are assholes and yell at coffee servers. God, how are we going to survive when we're so morally corrupt.

Are we a cold species? Yes. We are. Are we becoming increasingly detached from others? Yes. But we're also complex. This piece is so black-and-white. More than that, it's not effective. You introduce these fictional people, you give us a few lines about their situation and we're supposed to identify with them or pity them. But it doesn't work, because they're not characters. They're just people you made up in situations that last a paragraph. It doesn't matter how sad the situation, if nothing is developed it's ineffective. Like this:

There was a man. He was a good husband and father. His wife cheated on him and ended up giving hims AIDS.

Do you feel anything for that man? No. Because I made him up and there's no content to that story.

I would recommend not posting this. I, personally, would delete it for it not being creepypasta and it having severe, severe content issues. On the other hand, the mechanics are sound enough that it could pass deletion appeal under the review of a more lenient admin.