Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26325197-20150418210532/@comment-25763427-20150423142115

CbKITTcar wrote: Beetle bub wrote: Their shouldn't be exclamation points in the narrative, something might be shocking to the reader, but it should end in a period. The dialogue could use some work, and the biuld up is quite lacking. The line "Wait a second, I thought to myself, I am Goryunov Nikitovich! I fear nothing!" is practically laughable. " I struck a good deal with Madame Ménard, who seemed extremely happy to leave." You shouldn't mention the name of a character if they never appear in the story again. "Its pupils are blood red and it reminded me of the Dover Demon I had heard of during my time in a small town called Dover." This line seems unessicairy, this guy appears european based on his name nad where he lives, yet he has been to a small town in the United States long enough to know of the obscure cryptid which supposedly resides there? Unlikely, and uneeded for the story. Few of your readers will understand the reference.

"But, it had a black, slippery looking skin (where the skin was) and its flesh was the color of sludge." Sludge is not one specific color. I like your monster though, it could be really intimidating if you improved the quality of the story. I think maybe you should focus on how creepy your monster can be, cause all the ghost stuff seems out of place, and is never explained.

Try to work on your pacing and transitions. If you don't know how to end one part without it becoming awkward, then read more books.

Now, once you have corrected the more obviosu flaws, ask yourself if Michele's prescence is required. I understand that her disappearence lures the main character downstairs, but she really doesn't do anything, and if oyu remove the ghost part (as suggested) then she becomes even less important.

The first point, about the line that was laughable, it was meant to be irony, as he seemed afraid during that part of the story. With your second point, with Madame Menard, I understand. The third point, about the Dover Demon, couldn't he have learned of it through an American friend or read about it on Wikipedia, as someone from the US referenced it? By sludge, I mean, per Google, "thick, soft, wet mud or a similar viscous mixture of liquid and solid components, especially the product of an industrial or refining process", which, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't mud usually brown? Besides, maybe the creature was a demon summoning the ghostly shit and it was possibly hiding its nest with the black mass that bent the light around the room. And, I will correct the part with Michele. I am revamping the whole story anyways... Just say its mud colored then, most people don't htink that sludge has a specific color. And as for the dover demon part, that's a cool desgin, but hte reference seems menaingless in the context of the story.