Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-16095227-20150429051424/@comment-24450775-20150429145603

SoPretentious covered the tecnical parts, so I'll cover the story/dialogue.

Why did the boss smirk? Kind of an odd expression to be wearing when an employee walks into your office. Maybe you meant smiled?

John isn't giving a reason, he's expounding on a reason. You jumped a step there. Remember, you know John has a headache. That is author knowledge. The boss does not. That is character knowledge. Unless the boss knew John would have a headache. If that's the case we need some exposition on that.

Alright, where does John work? His boss claims to have a ground breaking headache cure, and John doesn't wonder what or why? We need to know what and why.

So the boss scrubs up in his office, and again, John has no questions as he pulls out a large knife.

What kinda of reaction did the boss expect from John when he showed off his head collection? Did he think John was going to lie on his desk and let his head get sawed off?

Who revoked his license. What was his license for, and how did he get off without prison time for collecting heads? I understand what you were going for here, but there are simply too many unanswered questions.

Well, yes. We know the conversation wasn't part of his headache. That was established in the opening paragraph.

Why did they want him to hear them?

The police "apparently" had stitches around their necks. The problem here is we have been looking over John's shoulder all this time, but now the narrator is going to be ambiguis? Its not a bad twist, but its executed overly dramatically. Sometimes it's best to just state things.

There could be a great story here, but it needs a lot of work.