Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34823985-20180303032925/@comment-24101790-20180310124133

Mechanical issues:

"Revkah stood there in the doorway of her brother(')s room." Possessive words should have an apostrophe.

"a tear rolled down her cheek as she blurted out "I think I killed your hamster!"" When you're introducing dialogue, you should use a comma or a colon.

"Suddenly remembering the before mentioned insult," The word "before mentioned" should be a single word (camps are divided on whether it should be hyphenated or not) and a more common synonym here is aforementioned.

The name repetition feels a bit redundant. "Lorn couldn't believe it, Revkah had rendered him speechless. Revkah's gaze slowly turned away from the hamster cage and fixed on Lorn. Lorn gulped involuntarily." You've already established the characters so there really isn't a need to identify them each sentence.

Story points:

"She just stood there casting a shadow over Lorn's bedroom, staring at the empty hamster cage." I feel like some explanation should be given to address why the hamster cage is still in the room if it died over a month ago. It seems odd that parents would leave an item like that in the child's room (especially if it caused enough grief to warrant a mock-funeral). A small line might help build the story and also deal with possible sticking points.

"If it wasn't his stupid hamster then what the hell was on my face last night?" It feels a bit off that she'd get attacked in the middle of the night, seemingly kill the 'hamster', and not tell her parents or brother until the next day. Ignoring the possible issue that the attack made no noise and the sister didn't scream, I'm having trouble believing that they wouldn't get someone right away.

Finally, the ending feels like more can be done here to make it effective. ("She examined the reddish black splat on the wall. Dried ichor lead down the wall to a congealed puddle. A pair of little red footprints trailed under her bed.") I understand what you're going for with an ending like this, but I think more can be done to give it a punchier conclusion. All in all, I think this could still use some revision before it's ready for the site.