Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32657455-20170723015645/@comment-24101790-20170723022944

There are quite a lot of issues here that really weigh down the story. Starting with the basics, a general rule on posting stories is to use source mode as using visual editor results in the post having coding errors. ( "He calls at me late at night, inviting me into his world of fright " )

Ignoring the punctuation (generally if you are using proper capitalization and punctuation, you should also use periods to denote the end of sentences) and grammar ("its (it's) hard not to stare") issues, there are still a number of plot issues in the story itself.

You overuse a lot of slant/awkward rhymes. Lines like: "A world filled with ghouls and demons, looking up to him as a beloved leman", "He offers me to be his queen, for the beauty of mine is rarely seen", "Just a fool would dismiss such an offer, a world filled with fortune, where gold and diamonds are filled in coffers", "I take his hand and follow him to his dark den, where I will spend the rest of my existence without an end.", etc. To put it into context, there are eight couplets in this story and about half of them are awkward/slant rhymes which weigh down the lyrical flow of the lines.

Rhythm: The rhythm of the poem is also fairly skewed. Try reading the lines aloud in succession if you're looking for how this impacts the flow. Lines like: "He offers me to be his queen, for the beauty of mine is rarely seen" in comparison to "Just a fool would dismiss such an offer, a world filled with fortune, where gold and diamonds are filled in coffers" have a tendency to negatively impact the meter.

Finally, a number of your rhymes also feel shoe-horned into the story to keep the rhyme scheme and it doesn't really work out. For example: "His face is filled with joy and laughter, imploring me to come to his hereafter", "Just a fool would dismiss such an offer, a world filled with fortune, where gold and diamonds are filled in coffers", and "I take his hand and follow him to his dark den, where I will spend the rest of my existence without an end." feel like you were trying to make the rhyme work but it doesn't quite fit. Our standards for poetry have become more strict in the past couple of years due to a lot of poems having a lot of fundamental errors and this poem needs quite a bit of work if you plan on trying to submit an appeal.