Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25421326-20160803161938/@comment-24101790-20160804015609

LilPotato wrote: The last part was supposed to signify the character's death, with the last meal, and being "released." I hope that adds a more interesting twist on how the poem is portrayed.

As for grammar, that is easily fixable. The rhythm inconsistencies also show the insanity of the main character, and how after being tormented by the suited man he has become mad.

I did put a fair amount of effort into this one, and feel that after a bit of tweaking it may be suitable to be reviewed again.

I'm sorry, but even with the knowledge that the protagonist dies/is killed at the end, there really isn't enough content to work with in this poem. Just sub out 'being released' for 'being killed' and the plot still ends up feeling anemic. Think of it like this, if this were a story instead of a poem, would you find the plot interesting given the bare bones premise?

As for the flow being intentional, it really doesn't work too well as it's told in that manner all throughout so there really isn't a sense of degradation or intrigue to further the story. Intentionally making mistakes or hobbling a story is a hard thing to pull off and this really doesn't do it effectively. Additionally the fact that none of these torments are mentioned only serves to undermine your intentions on revealing that the protagonist has completely snapped under the torture.

This is going to require more than a little tweaking, likely an entire re-write and fleshing out of the plot/premise, as the story tends to come off as monotone and dull and there isn't much to hook in the audience.