Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28788859-20160619210516/@comment-24101790-20160619231805

Ewan Lund wrote: Sorry, that was supposed to be "Am I going in the right direction and is this worth pursuing"

You're advancing, but there tends to be a lot of places that feel overwritten and unnatural. "I am writing this under an apparent and ever more increasing mental strain, for I feel my mind has been corrupted by a maddening foulness which I am still unable to comprehend." Really the best thing I can advise would be to read the story aloud to yourself as if you were telling someone this. The areas where it feels awkward or unnatural likely need revision.

Over-writing a story can be a pretty large issue (take "Blood Whistle" or The Jungle Book VHS Cover for instance in what can happen when there's more of a focus on purple prose than the story itself.