Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5969231-20140623182537/@comment-24077689-20140624144835

This is not interesting. I mean that in the most loving way possible. Your first paragraph is your hook, as in it's supposed to make me say "shit! I'd like to read more of this, please". This doesn't do that. The set up of the dialogue is not very good, you should reformat this. But the punctuation in the dialogue, the general set up, it's not very believable. Then the stuff that comes after? Like, I get forgetting to lock your door, but completely forgetting about a piece of furniture? The general set up of this paragraph in no way is enticing. At all.

If it's on your stoop it wouldn't be a huge stretch to say that someone placed it there. And having been married, having been human capable of communication all my life, people will usually say "hey, honey, there's this flower and last week I saw a weird chair, what's this all about?" Not play it off as just forgetting.

Proofread before you post, I know that's what this forum is for, but we're here to review stories, not be your personal proofreaders. Read this out loud, you've made a few punctuation mistakes, but you have especially made mistakes where words are just missing.

Yo, even if you had used the fireplace recently, who the shit uses charcoal for their fireplace? Barbecue? Yeh. Fireplace? Nah, son.

And again, not how married people talk to each other. Not really how anybody talks to each other. Also, how exactly does that make the most sense? That makes almost no sense, I'm not sure if you remember her saying she didn't fucking buy it.

This is one of the most convoluted stories that I've ever read. And that's saying something, I read a lot of stories. This makes little sense, I get the feeling that human communication isn't your strong suit, maybe work on that. But this entire story, the premise is so flawed and confusing then all the sudden SHOCK ENDING. Doesn't make it any better.