Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24189254-20150612000542/@comment-26487831-20150612005735

Your writing is very clear and skillfully crafted. However, there are a few minor issues: Mentioning PTSD is that context seemed a bit pedantic - I care more about how James feels than how he would be classified; and the ending is senselessly melodramatic and doesn't really relate to the horror of the story at all - here I would care more about how the experience changed the character's worldview, or maybe how his own wife is miserable despite him being back - all because the main character himself is suffering post-trauma. This might justify your classification of James, actually, if it's only a setup to establish the PTSD the only character comes to exhibit, despite denial. Just an idea, though. You need to thematically relate the end to the story itself somehow, or what bother mentioning it?

Anyway, your story is pretty good. A person can only give you some much style advice at this point. However, the difference between a pretty good story and great story, which is the next step, is philisophical. What makes the story frightening? How can you emphasize those aspects that are most distubring and tell a story that is both gripping, realistic (as you seem to be intending with this one), and terrifying?

I don't know if you intend to go back and rewrite some parts, but if you were, I'd love to see more focus on the theme of retributed retribution - the Vietnamese woman is brutally murdered by her Viet Cong superiors, in a way reminiscent to the reason she herself was commiting terrible violence. This could also thematically tie in to the war itself from America's perspective. America went in to "right a wrong" and fight revolutionaries, but in doing so was actually morally missled, and ended up causing more destruction and brutal death than might have otherwise occured. It's kind of a sick, twisted version of justice that occurs often in the story: A narrative of "we wanted to do something wrong to fight a wrong, but ended up hurting ourselves in the process." If this theme were expanded beyond the confines of the war itself, say into the main character's relationships with his fellow marines, or even his family, this could turn into absolutely fascinating literature, that would also make more of an emotionl impact. Not just "unease", but a big old bag of "holy shit this is messed up" kind of feeling.

So, I like it, but it needs to be taken a step further really have the heavy impact I believe you're intending, to make it more creepypasta material and not just a disturbing war story. I like to think of creepypastas as kind of moral tales, but the moral is unlike something you'd find in a picture book - it's more like "what you thought was real is wrong, a delusion - and what you're starting to learn about how the world actually is doesn't look very good."

Hope it helps! I enjoyed reading your story. I'd just like there to be some more meat to it. Orphan meat (i'm sorry).