Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160228043611/@comment-4849011-20160405004220

Okay, here it is! Just like last time, I edited out parts of paragraphs/quotes to save space, that but doesn't mean I'm suggesting content removal. As part of my process I wound up un-italicizing/un-bolding some things, but I don't want you to un-italicize/un-bold anything unless it's noted below.


 * It was on gray wet days, such as this one when there was nothing but reruns on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network and all the board games and videos had already been played, hide-and-go-seek seemed like a worth-while idea.- It was on gray wet days, such as this one when there was nothing but reruns on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network and all the board games and videos had already been played, that hide-and-go-seek seemed like a worth-while idea.
 * “When I find, you owe me a big cheesy pizza, and some strawberry ice cream with sprinkles and a cherry on top.”- “When I find you, you’ll owe me a big cheesy pizza, and some strawberry ice cream with sprinkles and a cherry on top.”
 * With a huff of annoyance, she stepped determinedly across the threshold, the sweet heavy scent of loamy earth and blossoms soon filling her nostrils and coated the back of her throat.- With a huff of annoyance, she stepped determinedly across the threshold, the sweet heavy scent of loamy earth and blossoms soon filling her nostrils and coating the back of her throat.
 * “Maybe that creepy brujo kid with the glasses, get him to translate the darn thing for you.”- “Maybe that creepy brujo kid with the glasses- get him to translate the darn thing for you.” Or “Maybe that creepy brujo kid with the glasses; get him to translate the darn thing for you.”
 * She jerked the receiver away as another shrill babbling erupted from it.

“Oh, he’s in juvie?”- She jerked the receiver away as another shrill babbling erupted from '''it. “Oh,''' he’s in juvie?”
 * The house was a hovel not a home: standing dark and deserted, its decrepit tiled roof and wooden porch nearly swallowed up by the surrounding trees and bushes.- The house was a hovel not a home; standing dark and deserted, its decrepit tiled roof and wooden porch nearly swallowed up by the surrounding trees and bushes.
 * She froze then glanced back over her shoulder; her sharp eyes probing the filthy corners of the rooms and straining her ears through the deep quiet. The only sounds she could hear were that of her frantically pounding heart and harsh rapid breathing.- She froze then glanced back over her shoulder, her sharp eyes probing the filthy corners of the rooms and her ears straining through the deep quiet. The only sounds she could hear were that of her frantically pounding heart and harsh, rapid breathing.
 * Some of them blurry and indistinct while others showed misshapen yet still recognizable human-like mouths, eyes and noses.- Some of them were blurry and indistinct while others showed misshapen yet still recognizable human-like mouths, eyes and noses.
 * She knew it wasn’t a cat due to the prints’ tiny size and didn’t think it was a dog either due to the human-like ‘fingers’, quite possibly it was a rodent—a mouse or a rat, maybe even a lizard of some kind—which had apparently scurried up the stairs giving her a major fright. She glanced around the porch curiously, alert for still more tracks or small scurrying forms. There was no sign of the creature anywhere and somewhat shaken, she finally decided to head back home. She found this place way too creepy/disturbing for her tastes and wished only to return to the crowded yet familiar suburban apartment, plus she didn’t want to get stranded in this strange world should the door to the closet ever returned and was shut.- She knew it wasn’t a cat due to the prints’ tiny size and didn’t think it was a dog either due to the human-like ‘fingers’. Quite possibly it was a rodent—a mouse or a rat, maybe even a lizard of some kind—which had apparently scurried up the stairs giving her a major fright. She glanced around the porch curiously, alert for still more tracks or small scurrying forms. There was no sign of the creature anywhere and, somewhat shaken, she finally decided to head back home. She found this place way too creepy/disturbing for her tastes and wished only to return to the crowded yet familiar suburban apartment, plus she didn’t want to get stranded in this strange world should the door to the closet ever return and was shut. (Did you mean "ever return" or "never returned"?)
 * “Hey, Olivia! Where are you pipsqueak?”- “Hey, Olivia! Where are you, pipsqueak?”
 * “Come on, Olive!” You win, we give up!” Another voice yelled. “Olly olly oxen free!”- “Come on, Olive! You win, we give up!” another voice yelled. “Olly olly oxen free!” (You also seem to have italicized part of this by mistake)
 * “Olive! Where are you!” The first voice called with more urgency.- “Olive! Where are you!” the first voice called with more urgency.
 * “Oh, I don’t know, Kyoto,” The first voice grumped.- “Oh, I don’t know, Kyoto,” the first voice grumped.
 * “No!” was the bellowed reply.

“Ugh. Not only are my leather boots are soaked through, my Cabrini slacks are smeared with dog doo!”- “No!” was the bellowed '''reply. “Ugh.''' Not only are my leather boots are soaked through, my Cabrini slacks are smeared with dog doo!”
 * “Because I was in a hurry to look for Olivia, that’s why?” came the disgusted reply. “And I still don’t know why she decided to go hide in the middle of freakin,’ possibly weirdo-infested woods.”- “Because I was in a hurry to look for Olivia, that’s why!” came the disgusted reply. “And I still don’t know why she decided to go hide in the middle of freakin,’ possibly weirdo-infested, woods.”
 * “Got it,” Kyoto affirmed. “Find Olive and get out pronto before parental units get back and turns us into yakitori.”- “Got it,” Kyoto affirmed. “Find Olive and get out pronto before parental units get back and turn us into yakitori.”
 * Suddenly hundreds of shadowy arms, like black plumes of spiraling smoke surged from the yawning doorway.- Suddenly hundreds of shadowy arms, like black plumes of spiraling smoke, surged from the yawning doorway.
 * Then she was in Mizaki’s arms, shocked and winded as auburn-haired Caelyn stood tall and straight, glaring furiously into writhing black void.- Then she was in Mizaki’s arms, shocked and winded as auburn-haired Caelyn stood tall and straight, glaring furiously into the writhing black void.
 * “Be gone from here, you murderous witch brat before I rip your maggoty soul apart and flush the pieces down the nearest public toilet.”- “Be gone from here, you murderous witch brat, before I rip your maggoty soul apart and flush the pieces down the nearest public toilet.”
 * “Back in 70’s and 80’s, there used to be a subdivision back where that forest is now at, and amongst the modern buildings was a large Victorian mansion—the same place where that devil spawn did that foul deed…and where she died shortly there afterwards by falling face first into a mirror.” She frowned as she sipped her tea. “Or maybe she was pushed by a ghost of one of her victims. Who knows for sure? But there wasn’t any hauntings afterwards, even though people called it ‘the haunted house.’ It didn’t get its dark, terrible curse until…”- “Back in 70s and 80s, there used to be a subdivision back where that forest is now at, and amongst the modern buildings was a large Victorian mansion—the same place where that devil spawn did that foul deed…and where she died shortly there afterwards by falling face first into a mirror.” She frowned as she sipped her tea. “Or maybe she was pushed by a ghost of one of her victims. Who knows for sure? But there weren’t any hauntings afterwards, even though people called it ‘the haunted house.’ It didn’t get its dark, terrible curse until…”
 * Until this neo-hippie girl brought forth something that should have been left dormant and well buried.”- “Until this neo-hippie girl brought forth something that should have been left dormant and well buried.”
 * “Spoiled rotten beyond belief, complete doted on by her parents.”- “Spoiled rotten beyond belief, completely doted on by her parents.”
 * “On top of that, she was really, really bossy, everything had to be her way…like she wanted to join a ballerina dance class, Judith had to join even though she had two left feet and ended up being relegated to set decorating and pulling the curtain to open the show or when Lucille attended a birthday party featuring a lot of cheesy carnival games and people in clown costumes, Judith had to be there too even though my sister found such games and clowns lame and annoying. Or she had to go to one of Lucille’s "princess" tea parties where she had to listen to Lucille go on about various conspiracy theories ranging from reptilian aliens taking over the government to how colds and flu were actually the result of negative thoughts rather than germs.- “On top of that, she was really, really bossy. Everything had to be her way…like she wanted to join a ballerina dance class, and Judith had to join even though she had two left feet and ended up being relegated to set decorating and pulling the curtain to open the show. Or when Lucille attended a birthday party featuring a lot of cheesy carnival games and people in clown costumes. Judith had to be there too even though my sister found such games and clowns lame and annoying. Or she had to go to one of Lucille’s ‘princess’ tea parties where she had to listen to Lucille go on about various conspiracy theories ranging from reptilian aliens taking over the government to how colds and flu were actually the result of negative thoughts rather than germs.
 * “Her mom just happened to be one of those totally and utterly clueless suburbanites who walked round, wearing rose-colored glasses and believing with all their heart that their offspring would do no wrong.

“And her dad wasn’t much better, a college dead beat and drop out turned aspiring attorney who was too preoccupied with winning cases rather than instilling discipline in his daughter.”- “Her mom just happened to be one of those totally and utterly clueless suburbanites who walked round, wearing rose-colored glasses and believing with all their heart that their offspring would do no '''wrong. And''' her dad wasn’t much better, a college dead beat and drop out turned aspiring attorney who was too preoccupied with winning cases rather than instilling discipline in his daughter.”
 * “Some of the neighbors had warned us when we moved here, that she stole and broke stuff.”- “Some of the neighbors had warned us when we moved here that she stole and broke stuff.”
 * “Yeah,” Kyoto scowled. “But, we didn’t believe them because we thought they were just being prejudiced…because she’s a hualau.- “Yeah,” Kyoto scowled. “But we didn’t believe them because we thought they were just being prejudiced…because she’s a hualau.
 * “Where we’re from, it’s kind of like the Hawaiian word haole,” Mizaki explained, “meaning foreigner, although hualau’s more of an ethnic slur. Even the non-native people hate being called that, they’re rather being called malihini or haole or Midgarder.”- “Where we’re from, it’s kind of like the Hawaiian word haole,” Mizaki explained, “meaning foreigner, although hualau’s more of an ethnic slur. Even the non-native people hate being called that; they’d rather be called malihini or haole or Midgarder.”
 * “Hey dog ate them!” Izumi burst out indignantly.- “Her dog ate them!” Izumi burst out indignantly.
 * Olivia frowned. “The dog was at my party, it ate my birthday cake before we could sing ‘Happy Birthday’ so there was a huge hole in my cake.”- Olivia frowned. “The dog was at my party. It ate my birthday cake before we could sing ‘Happy Birthday’ so there was a huge hole in my cake.”
 * “Only it wasn’t mud, it was doggy doo and it was everywhere. My face and hair was covered in the stuff and Ellie and her bozo friends were wetting themselves laughing.”- “Only it wasn’t mud; it was doggy doo and it was everywhere. My face and hair were covered in the stuff and Ellie and her bozo friends were wetting themselves laughing.”
 * “Around this time, Lucille started getting into black magic, not the fake kind you see in movies and Magic: the Gathering cards, the real scary kind involving death-dealing curses and conjuring up ghosts and demons, often with dark rites done in secret and in out-of-the-way places.- “Around this time, Lucille started getting into black magic- not the fake kind you see in movies and Magic: the Gathering cards, the real scary kind involving death-dealing curses and conjuring up ghosts and demons, often with dark rites done in secret and in out-of-the-way places.
 * Caelyn shrugged as she sipped her drink slowly. “Judith just caught a glimpse of the place before she took off, but she told me later it reminded her of the Scottish capital of Edinburgh with its steep cobbled streets and tall gloomy buildings with its steep cobbled streets and tall gloomy buildings…except for the lights, they all seemed to be lit by these luminous lanterns floating in the air.- Caelyn shrugged as she sipped her drink slowly. “Judith just caught a glimpse of the place before she took off, but she told me later it reminded her of the Scottish capital of Edinburgh with its steep cobbled streets and tall gloomy buildings…except for the lights- they all seemed to be lit by these luminous lanterns floating in the air.
 * “Understandable, Judith was freaked out and she warned me under no circumstances was I to make contact with Lucille. Don’t let her in the house, don’t let her borrow anything, even if it was small stuff and don’t eat anything that she offered you, even if it was baked goods at a yard sale or party.”- “Understandably, Judith was freaked out and she warned me under no circumstances was I to make contact with Lucille. Don’t let her in the house, don’t let her borrow anything, even if it was small stuff, and don’t eat anything that she offered you, even if it was baked goods at a yard sale or party.”
 * “Of course,” Caelyn nodded. “My sister wasn’t one for telling tall tales, she even told our parents about it although, not surprisingly, they were rather skeptical about the whole things, especially Dad.”- “Of course,” Caelyn nodded. “My sister wasn’t one for telling tall tales. She even told our parents about it although, not surprisingly, they were rather skeptical about the whole thing, especially Dad.”
 * “There were about the same size and width of a glow stick, and there were like hundreds of these things zipping and whizzing about our backyard and high up in the trees.”- “They were about the same size and width of a glow stick, and there were like hundreds of these things zipping and whizzing about our backyard and high up in the trees.”
 * “Things continued to get worse, we started noticing movement out of the corner of our eyes—shadowy humanoid forms, but made up of what looked like spiky scribbles, like little kid scribbles of a human shapes, but these things moved in a herky-jerky fashion of old film footage.- “Things continued to get worse. We started noticing movement out of the corners of our eyes—shadowy humanoid forms, but made up of what looked like spiky scribbles, like little kid scribbles of a human shapes, but these things moved in a herky-jerky fashion of old film footage.”
 * “Well, Arlan got really bad night terrors, and several times, woke up screaming that there was some eyeless Nosferatu guy leaning over his bed, grinning.”- “Well, Arlan got really bad night terrors, and several times he woke up screaming that there was some eyeless Nosferatu guy leaning over his bed, grinning.”
 * Caelyn shrugged. “We eventually moved across town, but shortly before we did, Judith and some friends got together and went looking for Lucille. Apparently she wasn’t the only one that Lucille had on her spectral grudge list.- Caelyn shrugged. “We eventually moved across town, but shortly before we did, Judith and some friends got together and went looking for Lucille. Apparently she wasn’t the only one that Lucille had on her spectral grudge list.”
 * “‬When he asked one of the‭ ‬exterminator,‭ ‬the man replied that their house was being tented and fumigated for house centipedes and whip scorpions,‭ ‬and they couldn’t return for six months.‭- “‬When he asked one of the‭ ‬exterminators,‭ ‬the man replied that their house was being tented and fumigated for house centipedes and whip scorpions,‭ ‬and they couldn’t return for six months.‭ ‬
 * ‭“‬‬Judith and some of friends‭ ‬scavenged through the‭ ‬stuff looking for‭ ‘‬evidence‭’ ‬of Lucille’s hoodoo practicing,‭ ‬but aside from a few tacky magic props,‭ ‬they didn’t anything.‭”- ‭“‬‬Judith and some of her friends‭ ‬scavenged through the‭ ‬stuff looking for‭ ‘‬evidence‭’ ‬of Lucille’s hoodoo practicing,‭ ‬but aside from a few tacky magic props,‭ ‬they didn’t find anything.‭”
 * ‭“‬Three more years passed,‭” ‬Caelyn continued quietly,‭ “‬and I was ten,‭ ‬my sister was finishing up high school,‭ ‬my little brother was now in the second grade. Although we moved into a new house,‭ ‬we were now convenient close to our schools so we were happy.- ‭“‬Three more years passed,‭” ‬Caelyn continued quietly,‭ “‬and I was ten,‭ ‬my sister was finishing up high school,‭ ‬and my little brother was now in the second grade. Although we moved into a new house,‭ ‬we were now conveniently close to our schools so we were happy.
 * ‭“‬Then Judith suddenly remembered that we were passing near the Highland neighborhood of her friend Ginger lived, whose parents owned the Wynnewood Boarding House.‭ So we started walking down the path, and we couldn’t help but notice that there weren’t any lights illuminating the path or at any of the houses in the distance. As we walked closer to the subdivision, we soon discovered the reason-- every house was abandoned; boarded up plywood covered the windows and doors. Abandoned barbecue grills and patio furniture was left to rust and crumble in yards overgrown with weeds.- ‭“‬Then Judith suddenly remembered that we were passing near the Highland neighborhood where her friend Ginger lived, whose parents owned the Wynnewood Boarding House.‭ So we started walking down the path, and we couldn’t help but notice that there weren’t any lights illuminating the path or at any of the houses in the distance. As we walked closer to the subdivision, we soon discovered the reason-- every house was abandoned; boarded up plywood covered the windows and doors. Abandoned barbecue grills and patio furniture were left to rust and crumble in yards overgrown with weeds.
 * “We both happened to be carrying flashlights, and as we ran down that dead end road and then onto the cold dead street, we would catch glimpses in the bouncing light beams of that thing leaping and running alongside us.- “We both happened to be carrying flashlights, and as we ran down that dead end road and then onto the cold dead street, we would catch glimpses in the bouncing light beams of that thing leaping and running alongside us.”
 * The silence hung heavy in the room,broken only by the scritch-scritch-scritch of Mizaki’s Leopard Feather Pen and the sounds of passing cars swishing through puddles in the damp streets.- The silence hung heavy in the room, broken only by the scritch-scritch-scritch of Mizaki’s Leopard Feather Pen and the sounds of passing cars swishing through puddles in the damp streets.
 * “Yeah,” Caelyn replied, turning back to them. “Quite a bit more. So we managed to get clear of the subdivision and headed straight for Deanna’s house which was closest.

“We began frantically pounding on her door, yelling at her to let us in.- “Yeah,” Caelyn replied, turning back to them. “Quite a bit more. So we managed to get clear of the subdivision and headed straight for Deanna’s '''house, which was closest. “We''' began frantically pounding on her door, yelling at her to let us in.
 * “‘Oh? One of them didn’t happened to be named Ginger Peryga, would it?’- “‘Oh? One of them didn’t happen to be named Ginger Peryga, would it?’
 * “‘Sure,I knew her from middle school and the beginning year of high school...then I didn’t see her again after we moved here.’- “‘Sure, I knew her from middle school and the beginning year of high school...then I didn’t see her again after we moved here.’
 * “‘No, she’s not dead,’ Deanna quickly told her, ‘although she lost an arm though, and then she and her folks were moving back to New York.’- “‘No, she’s not dead,’ Deanna quickly told her, ‘although she lost an arm, and then she and her folks were moving back to New York.’
 * “Judith and me looked at each other then in a tense voice, Judith asked, ‘What witch brat?’- “Judith and I looked at each other, and then in a tense voice, Judith asked, ‘What witch brat?’
 * “‘It was like one of those Invasion of the Body Snatchers things, wouldn’t respond to any proper treatment, just kept crawling and growing and popping out in other places on her arm...so finally, it had to be amputated.’- “‘It was like one of those Invasion of the Body Snatchers things. It wouldn’t respond to any proper treatment, just kept crawling and growing and popping out in other places on her arm...so finally, it had to be amputated.’
 * “‘Really old-looking book too, and it had funny-looking write in it like runes.’- “‘Really old-looking book too, and it had funny-looking writing in it like runes.’
 * Caelyn shook her head slowly, “This guy had a trench coat full of eyes as well as a lot of creepy crawlies,” A note of fear came into her voice.- Caelyn shook her head slowly. “This guy had a trench coat full of eyes as well as a lot of creepy crawlies.” A note of fear came into her voice.
 * “At the time I didn’t mention the demon,” she finally said, “not only was I so scared. I also was worried that I wasn’t going to believed...I’m mean, the thing was so crazy-looking compared to say a shadow person or zombie ghost girl.”- “At the time I didn’t mention the demon,” she finally said. “Not only was I so scared. I also was worried that I wasn’t going to believed...I’m mean, the thing was so crazy-looking compared to say a shadow person or zombie ghost girl.”
 * “But from time to time, the old path comes back, but in strange unexpected places...always leading back to that house. And that anyone who ever ventured to follow it had either found strange artifacts that change their lives for the worse or else, wound up possessed or don’t ever come back at all.”- “But from time to time, the old path comes back, but in strange unexpected places...always leading back to that house. And anyone who ever ventured to follow it had either found strange artifacts that changed their lives for the worse, or else, wound up possessed or didn’t ever come back at all.”
 * “But that path isn’t going to come back now,” Izumi pointed out. “Now that you sent that ghost/demon/lich whatever away but threatening to kick its butt.”- “But that path isn’t going to come back now,” Izumi pointed out. “Now that you sent that ghost/demon/lich whatever away by threatening to kick its butt.”
 * She suddenly felt her scalp crawl as her stomach constricted into a icy knot.- She suddenly felt her scalp crawl as her stomach constricted into an icy knot.
 * Now everyone was looking at her, their faces lined with concern and confusion .

Olivia was tugging on Mizaki’s left sleeve while Kyoto was shaking her right shoulder.- Now everyone was looking at her, their faces lined with concern and '''confusion. Olivia''' was tugging on Mizaki’s left sleeve while Kyoto was shaking her right shoulder. (My computer also indicates an extra space between “confusion” and the period, but I could be mistaken)
 * Something was slithering down the front window. Something striated black and blue and bronzy-green. and snake-like with only front legs that left smears of a black, gooey substance as it crawled and slithered its way down the pane.- Something was slithering down the front window. Something striated black and blue and bronzy-green, and snake-like with only front legs that left smears of a black, gooey substance as it crawled and slithered its way down the pane.

Suggestions
 * Nervously, she looked the way she came. And then turning back, she swallowed the lump in her throat and slowly climbed the creaky, lichen-infested porch.- Nervously, she looked the way she came. Then turning back, she swallowed the lump in her throat and slowly climbed the creaky, lichen-infested porch.
 * Olivia shook her head in disbelief. Gross! She thought. Why would anyone live out here in this dump?- Did you want to italicize this thought?
 * There's nobody out there. You're just hearing birds. Nope, that’s not right. You’re just hearing things from your own feather-brained head. There's nobody here for like hundreds of miles, just you and this cruddy dream place. It’s all just your wild imagination playing tricks on you.- Did you want to italicize this thought?
 * Pushing through her quivering fear, she slowly stood up.

As she inched forward, she heard a faint scraping behind her followed shortly by a creak.- Pushing through her quivering fear, she slowly stood '''up. As''' she inched forward, she heard a faint scraping behind her followed shortly by a creak.
 * They might have seen the thin, scraggly-haired person who held in one frail hand while the other was stretched toward a cheval glass mirror.- I didn’t understand what this meant.
 * “Yet that still didn’t stop Lucille from coming up with various hair brain schemes to intrude on Judith’s social life.”- “Yet that still didn’t stop Lucille from coming up with various hair-brained schemes to intrude on Judith’s social life.”
 * ““I was seven at the time, and even I thought she was a whiny, bumbling oaf, sad and pathetic even.”- I was seven at the time, and even I thought she was a whiny, bumbling oaf- sad and pathetic even.”
 * “So did they come armed with holly water and crosses and a vampire hunting kit‭?” ‬Kyoto asked eagerly.- “So did they come armed with holy water and crosses and a vampire hunting kit‭?” ‬Kyoto asked eagerly.‭

This was a another good one! The descriptions were great as usual, and there were the little but meaningful human touches (like the girl thinking of Narnia and pinching herself). There were a few typos in the New Amsterdam account (such as run-on sentences), but I wouldn't change them because I thought, "Maybe that's just how the person writing the account wrote." I hope that makes sense. The part with Caelyn rebuking the monster reminded me of a scene from Adventures in Babysitting. "You don't [mess] with the babysitter!!" I smirked at the part about shrinks raising a brat because I've known that to happen in real life. For that matter, vampire hunting kits exist too. I've seen them on a couple shows, and I even made a diagram of one.