Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43620666-20190825223109/@comment-9041013-20190826104324

Well, the formatting is annoying. It makes the story look way longer than it is.

The exposition takes up about half of the story; it's needless and pointless. You don't tell anything important or interesting for half of the story. You simply drag it along to add some more wordage. It's not good. Longer stories aren't always better. It can be short and still effective. Cut off anything that does not add anything to the plot.

Some of the plot lay out is stupidly conviniet. You don't build a door into a space that leads to a sealed off building and just keep it like that after you decide that the sealed off building stays that way. You tear that door off or seal it and build another passage. It's just pointless and willfully wasteful.

You're telling me some ten or eleven year old kid came across a creature that could eat it, but didn't because reasons?

Bat eyes aren't exactly creepy or weird; they're somewhat like smaller darker dog eyes. Assuming the creature lives in the dark, it has eyes that are either extremely sufficient for poor light conditions, thus unlike bat eyes (which are somewhat useless to bats in overwhelming darkness) and would look like cat eyes, or have a reflective color, like deep sea sharks, or cats or something or just have deep dark, tiny useless eyes which are again not very bat like.

The ending is also dry, "oh I got traumatized but not really."

the teacher randomly dying is just random and doesn't create any sort of effect.

It's just not doing it for me; I don't feel the character or the fear I'm supposed to feel because you don't provide that. You don't try to make me believe this is real and this is scary.