Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27594923-20160112134851/@comment-26981815-20160204032220

The wording isn't very neat.

You said 'man' while talking about the time traveller, then you said he talked about a 'man' who created a virus, then on the following sentence the virus infected the 'man' who was the time traveller, then you mentioned how the virus ran off from the 'man's' ashes, then talked about how the time traveller was here to assassinate the 'man' who created the virus.

I mean, you repeated the work 'man' 5 times in that one paragraph, and even on the second repetition it already felt awkward.

The last sentence, what the hell. Is that supposed to be scary? It has the feeling of a line the hero would say in a cliche book.

Mike sometimes can be a bit, uh, 'harsh' when giving reviews, but I have to agree with him this time. This pasta is just bad. The wording is awkward as crap, and the ending is too rushed. And before you complain that I'm being too harsh, no. I understand if your pasta was long and difficult to re-read, but c'mon! One paragraph! If you had read it at least once you'd see how awkward it is, and it'd take a few seconds to do that.

Also, try to explain it better. Computer viruses are no more than software forcefully implanted on a machine that alter's it's functioning. How would it just escape and disintegrate matter?