Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24059312-20140516023504

So, basically after getting some help with my first version of the story, I posted it abd blah blah, it was deleted. The admin, who was really nice about it, said it was a improvment but it still needed some work. So, I'm back. Lastes version below:

''On May 5 2014, a disturbing call was received at the British Columbia call center, the true nature of which has yet to be revealed. Upon their arrival to the caller's house, the police discovered that the 17 years old Mike Ridgers had been found brutally murdered.''

Operator:
"9-1-1, Kristen speaking, what's your emergency?"

Mike:

"Help me please!"

Operator:

"Sir, please tell me what you need so I can send help."

Mike:

"I-I need the police. Please hurry she's gonna kill me."

Operator:

"Alright sir, the police are on their way. While we are waiting, tell me your name."

Mike:

"M-My name is Mike. Mike Ridgers."

Operator:

"So Mike, how old are you?"

Mike:

"Seventeen..."

Operator:

"Where do you live Mike?"

Mike:

"234 Bluebell road..."

Operator:

"Alright Mike, you mentioned a she earlier. Who may she be?"

Mike:

"She is Sammie Stevenston."

Operator:

"Sir, you said Sammie stevenston? Correct? If you are talking about the Sammie Stevenston that was all over the news, she's dead. If this is a prank call, it isn't funny. You could get-"

Mike:

"-I'm serious!" (Sobs) "Please believe me. She's alive."

Operator:

"Alright. While we wait, mind telling me what happened?"

Mike:

(Deep breath) "It all started a few months ago. I had started dating Sam. I-I didn't really like her-"

Operator:

"-Then why did you go out with her?"

Mike:

"I-I need her. I-I needed her to make me popular, famous even. I was always that kid that was picked last for sports, the one that was called names, the one no one cared about. So when Sam had asked me out I said yes, knowing it would bring me into the popularity ring. She was my ticket in to becoming something other then just the loser kid at school."

Operator:

"I see. Continue."

Mike:

"Once I started dating her, everyone accepted me. There was a huge problem though. I-I didn't like her. She was honestly just dead wieght to me and I wanted to get rid of her as quickly as I could. I couldn't break up with her though, I'd just go back to where I started. Maybe even lower. So I had to get rid of her..."

Operator:

"What did you do?"

Mike:

"W-will, we decided to go for a walk in the nerby woods one day. While there I finally decided to suck it up and break up with her. But as we were walking, she tripped on a rock. W-We were by the edge of a steep hill, and she just fell down it-"

Operator:

"-and she died. Not making it your fault. Just like the news said..."

Mike:

"NO. She didn't die. She was still alive when I had climbed down. She had multiply deep cuts and scratches that would need stitches. She even had a broken leg and couldn't walk. I saw my chance. My chance to get rid of her, and remain popular at the same time. S-so, I-I....." (Sobbing heavily)

Operator:

"Mike. What happened next?"

Mike:

"I began to hit and kick her. I told her how I never loved her, how I just used her. I....I then got down and put my hands around her neck. I snapped it. Then she just stopped moving, she wasn't breathing anymore..."

Operator:

"Mike, if this is just a confession, I'll have to call off the police and tell you to come to the office. Sam is dead-"

Mike:

"-No! She's not! She's trying to break into my house! She's alive! Let me finish!"

Operator:

(Sighs) "Alright, you may finish."

Mike:

"After that, I just told the police she had fallen down  the hill, and once I found her she was dead. I lied to everyone. I lied about her death so I could stay popular, and I did. Everyone at school felt bad about it, I just had to start crying and suddenly everyone was by my side trying to cheer me up."

Operator:

"I see."

Mike:

"It went like that for some months. My life was great. I didn't even feel bad about killing her. The one day when going home from school, I felt like I was being fallowed and when I looked behind me, I saw someone."

Operator:

"Who? Who did you see? What did they look like?"

Mike:

"I saw a girl in a mask.  She was wearing the same clothes Sam wore that day. I black tan-top and faded blue jeans. Her arms...her arms were covered in stitches. As if they had been cut badly and when she walked she limped a bit as if she was just getting over a injury. Her masks eyes were black, and had black tears coming down from them. On the mask, it's mouth had stitches across it. The stitches went up into a smile on it's cheeks. The stitches on her cheek said liar."

Operator:

"What happened? What did you do?"

Mike:

"She started walking up to me, and as she did, she removed her mask slowly. She said, 'You know Mike, I thought you were different, I thought you weren't a liar.' Once her mask was off I could see her face...I-It was Sam. I then ran home as fast as I could. I went inside and locked myself in my room. I knew she had fallowed me though." (Sniffs)

Operator:

"I see. Don't worry Mike, the police will be there soon-"

Mike:

(Muffled crash) "She broke through the window!" (cries)

Operator:

"Mike, I'm gonna ask you to stay as quiet as you can ok-"

Mike:

(Door Salmed open)

(Muffled: "Oh Mike~!")

"N-NO! GET AWAY!"

(Screaming and insane laughter)

Operator:

"MIKE?!"

Mike:

(Silence)

Operator:

"H-Hello? Is anyone there?"

Mike(?):

"Hello there."

Operator:

"Sammie Steveston?"

Sammie:

"Heh, heh, You know what? I really hate Liars. This world is filled of them. This world is unpure because of the lies. I'm tired of being lied to! All liars must pay for their sins! They only cause pain and sadness!"

Operator:

"Sammie, please calm down!"

Sammie: 

"HAHAHAHAHA! I am not long Sammie Stevenston. My name is Stitches, and I hate liars."

(The line goes dead)
 