Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26326346-20160112194657/@comment-4849011-20160113015421

Hello! I had more time than I thought tonight! First off, as fitting for a story in which a character is coldly logical, I’ll start with suggested grammar and typo corrections and then move on to my review.

Here’s something I noticed a number of times. When you have a quote that would normally end in a period (as opposed to a question mark or exclamation point), then the quote generally should end with a comma instead of a period (unless what follows the quote is a continuation of the overall sentence). For instance instead of “‘Good, it should be ready.’ Clyde muttered to himself” it should be “‘Good, it should be ready,’ Clyde muttered to himself.” You also had some run-on sentences. The following list of suggestions might seem longer than it really is due to my way of suggesting corrections on drafts.


 * Clyde let out a series of shivers as he noted the time before pulling his sleeve back down; 5:42 PM.- Clyde let out a series of shivers as he noted the time before pulling his sleeve back down- 5:42 PM.
 * The wind continued to rush against Clyde as he made his way toward the destination that he intended upon being life-changing for him, he crossed his arms in response as he walked forward with the hope that he wouldn't become a human popsicle before he managed to reach his destination.- The wind continued to rush against Clyde as he made his way toward the destination that he intended upon being life-changing for him. He crossed his arms in response as he walked forward with the hope that he wouldn't become a human popsicle before he managed to reach his destination.
 * Clyde gently picked the box from Jeffrey's hand and opened it, he was greeted by a 10K White Gold Diamond Ring.- Clyde gently picked the box from Jeffrey's hand and opened it; he was greeted by a 10K White Gold Diamond Ring.
 * The “customer” turned his body to face Clyde and for the first time Clyde noticed that the man was twitching, he also noticed the small handgun that had been tucked underneath the man's coat. Clyde looked the gunman dead in the eye.- The “customer” turned his body to face Clyde and for the first time Clyde noticed that the man was twitching. He also noticed the small handgun that had been tucked underneath the man's coat. Clyde looked the gunman dead in the eye.
 * “E-Eh? Y-Yes?” the red head asked in a gently voice as she brought her fingers to her blue eyes in an effort to wipe away the tears.- “E-Eh? Y-Yes?” the red head asked in a gentle voice as she brought her fingers to her blue eyes in an effort to wipe away the tears.
 * The woman clumsily stood up, nearly falling as she did so, and nodded in reply. The emergency room was a pristine white; walls, floor, ceiling. The machines beeping and humming were the only sounds that dare occupy the room. Clyde Berman lay on a bed hooked to machines and doodads of all shapes, sizes and sorts that were dedicated to keeping his condition stable. The two women approached the blanket covered man whose head was covered in medical wrap and an oxygen mask. Clyde's brown eyes effortlessly scrolled over to Annie Prasc and the nurse.- The woman clumsily stood up, nearly falling as she did so, and nodded in reply. The emergency room was a pristine white- walls, floor, ceiling. The machines beeping and humming were the only sounds that dared occupy the room. Clyde Berman lay on a bed hooked to machines and doodads of all shapes, sizes and sorts that were dedicated to keeping his condition stable. The two women approached the blanket-covered man whose head was covered in medical wrap and an oxygen mask. Clyde's brown eyes effortlessly scrolled over to Annie Prasc and the nurse.
 * Before Annie could speak to Clyde, one of the doctors, a young male, barged into the room in.- Before Annie could speak to Clyde, one of the doctors, a young male, barged into the room.
 * “What is she doing in here? No one is allowed in the E.R., you should know this Marge,” came the doctor's gravely and somewhat shaky voice.- “What is she doing in here? No one is allowed in the E.R. You should know this, Marge,” came the doctor's gravely and somewhat shaky voice.
 * “I'm sorry, Doctor Onik. She's been waiting outside the entire duration of the surgery, she sat there like a statue. I figured she deserved to know now.”- “I'm sorry, Doctor Onik. She's been waiting outside the entire duration of the surgery. She sat there like a statue. I figured she deserved to know now.”
 * Annie stood limply as she listened to Doctor Onik's explanation. Tears did not well up in her eyes as would have been normal procedure for her upon receiving bad news, instead in this instance she just stood there in shock with both her hands opening and closing as if to grasp for hope, if only such a thing had a physical form.- Annie stood limply as she listened to Doctor Onik's explanation. Tears did not well up in her eyes as would have been normal procedure for her upon receiving bad news. Instead, in this instance, she just stood there in shock with both her hands opening and closing as if to grasp for hope, if only such a thing had a physical form.
 * It must be because that's all of him that I currently have. She justified to herself.- It must be because that's all of him that I currently have, she justified to herself.
 * She checked the pockets as was customary and retrieved Clyde's keys from the left pocket, the contents of the right pocket caught her off-guard; as expected she found his wallet, unexpectedly she pulled out a jewelry box.- She checked the pockets as was customary and retrieved Clyde's keys from the left pocket; the contents of the right pocket caught her off-guard. As expected she found his wallet; unexpectedly she pulled out a jewelry box.
 * He brought both his arms up to his head and felt around, his face was unwrapped until he reached up toward the top of his head.- He brought both his arms up to his head and felt around. His face was unwrapped until he reached up toward the top of his head.
 * Thinking to himself was all Clyde did for hours, it was all he could do to keep himself entertained and perhaps even sane.- Thinking to himself was all Clyde did for hours. It was all he could do to keep himself entertained and perhaps even sane.
 * Each day the two chatted back and forth about how much time had passed, when Clyde might be discharged, how the hospital food tasted and other matters similar to those, however one thing did not get brought up and that was the engagement ring.- Each day the two chatted back and forth about how much time had passed, when Clyde might be discharged, how the hospital food tasted and other matters similar to those. However, one thing did not get brought up and that was the engagement ring.
 * After a few days, the wrap was removed from Clyde's head and he found that it had left a nice scar, however it didn't look so bad, at least to him.- After a few days, the wrap was removed from Clyde's head and he found that it had left a nice scar. However, it didn't look so bad, at least to him.
 * “Glad to see that you beat the machine! We were worried for a short while that you might be a vegetable, take care!”- “Glad to see that you beat the machine! We were worried for a short while that you might be a vegetable! Take care!”
 * It wasn't his dream job, but his options were limited by his lack of high school diploma. Clyde was a Grade A bullshitter, he excelled at convincing people to buy based upon on how he used his voice to project emotion, thus Clyde was arguably destined to fail upon his return to work.- It wasn't his dream job, but his options were limited by his lack of a high school diploma. Clyde was a Grade A bullshitter. He excelled at convincing people to buy based upon on how he used his voice to project emotion; thus Clyde was arguably destined to fail upon his return to work.
 * The thud of footsteps caused Clyde to look at the entrance of his cubical and there he saw his short and overweight boss with a bald and potato-shaped head.- The thud of footsteps caused Clyde to look at the entrance of his cubicle and there he saw his short and overweight boss with a bald and potato-shaped head.
 * “No sir.”- “No, sir.”
 * Clyde knew he should have felt anger and perhaps even a degree of fear, but instead he felt nothing. He just calmly accept everything as it was presented to him.- Clyde knew he should have felt anger and perhaps even a degree of fear, but instead he felt nothing. He just calmly accepted everything as it was presented to him.
 * “Please sir, I can't afford to support myself or my girlfriend without this job.”- “Please, sir, I can't afford to support myself or my girlfriend without this job.”
 * Clyde opened the door to his house and stepped inside, his eyes met Annie's.- Clyde opened the door to his house and stepped inside; his eyes met Annie's.
 * It's not as if she was stupid, Annie was a very intelligent woman and was practically flawless with her only handicap being her shyness.- It's not as if she was stupid. Annie was a very intelligent woman and was practically flawless with her only handicap being her shyness.
 * She was desperate for Clyde to exhibit any emotion, even an outburst would do.- She was desperate for Clyde to exhibit any emotion. Even an outburst would do.
 * “No. I can't connect with prospective buyers on an emotional level, so I'm “dead weight”.”- “No. I can't connect with prospective buyers on an emotional level, so I'm ‘dead weight’.”
 * I didn't intend to piss you off. He thought to himself as he headed to the bedroom and crawled into bed.- I didn't intend to piss you off, he thought to himself as he headed to the bedroom and crawled into bed.
 * Acceptance, that was the new mantra of his life after having took a bullet to the brain.- Acceptance, that was the new mantra of his life after having taken a bullet to the brain.
 * And the entire world felt like it had come to a screeching halt. The comment hadn't been made out of spite or any other emotion, rather it was based entirely off Clyde's logic. Things were normally a lot harder without emotions, but in this case things were easy and the correct decision was clear. Her income alone wouldn't be enough to pay for the house they were renting, therefore he would be homeless. Clyde had nowhere else to go, but Annie could always move back in with her parents. He knew that she would not as long as they were together because he was a sore subject, they detested him for his not having finished high school and thought that their daughter was wasting her life with him. Perhaps they were right, she'd definitely be better off without him.- And the entire world felt like it had come to a screeching halt. The comment hadn't been made out of spite or any other emotion; rather it was based entirely off Clyde's logic. Things were normally a lot harder without emotions, but in this case things were easy and the correct decision was clear. Her income alone wouldn't be enough to pay for the house they were renting; therefore he would be homeless. Clyde had nowhere else to go, but Annie could always move back in with her parents. He knew that she would not as long as they were together because he was a sore subject. They detested him for his not having finished high school and thought that their daughter was wasting her life with him. Perhaps they were right; she'd definitely be better off without him.
 * “I-I hate this, you've turned into a machine.”- “I-I hate this. You've turned into a machine.”
 * What he did was wrong and I should punish him for it, it's deserved. Interestingly enough, I could turn all of this into an opportunity. I always wondered what killing was like and it isn't like I ever had a reason to do so, besides my emotions would have prevented it. I should kill him. I don't have anything to lose if I get caught, I'd just end up with free meals and a place to stay if that happened and besides, maybe, just maybe, killing will trigger some emotions in me.- What he did was wrong and I should punish him for it; it's deserved. Interestingly enough, I could turn all of this into an opportunity. I always wondered what killing was like and it isn't like I ever had a reason to do so, besides my emotions would have prevented it. I should kill him. I don't have anything to lose if I get caught. I'd just end up with free meals and a place to stay if that happened and besides, maybe, just maybe, killing will trigger some emotions in me.
 * The biggest thing of note was the fact that the lights were off, which meant that McMahn was probably upstairs asleep, the Pontiac in the driveway helped lend credit to this theory. Clyde opened his backpack, took out the trash bags, put them over his shoe-covered feet and removed the pry bar. He placed the pry bar underneath a window on the right side of the front door and forced it upward, the window screeched, but met his demands and rested open.- The biggest thing of note was the fact that the lights were off, which meant that McMahn was probably upstairs asleep. The Pontiac in the driveway helped lend credit to this theory. Clyde opened his backpack, took out the trash bags, put them over his shoe-covered feet and removed the pry bar. He placed the pry bar underneath a window on the right side of the front door and forced it upward. The window screeched, but met his demands and rested open.
 * Kitchen, bedroom, or bathroom, those are the three places he could be at this hour.- Kitchen, bedroom, or bathroom- those are the three places he could be at this hour.
 * To the right he noticed the kitchen, however he immediately wrote it off due to no light, in front of him he noticed a stairway that led upstairs and curved hard right, and to his left was what he guessed to be the living room.- To the right he noticed the kitchen. However he immediately wrote it off due to no light. In front of him he noticed a stairway that led upstairs and curved hard right, and to his left was what he guessed to be the living room.
 * His gloved right hand reached out and touched the door knob without fear or hesitation, however the door was locked. Without missing a beat, Clyde wedged his pry bar into the wooden door and shouldered it which caused the lock to break and the door to noisily open. Ralph bolted upright in response to the commotion and held his blanket up to his chest in surprise and fear. As Ralph's eyes adjusted to the dark he was able to identify Clyde who was briskly walking toward him, this caused him to loosen the grip on his blanket as he wasn't afraid of Clyde in the slightest.- His gloved right hand reached out and touched the door knob without fear or hesitation; however, the door was locked. Without missing a beat, Clyde wedged his pry bar into the wooden door and shouldered it which caused the lock to break and the door to noisily open. Ralph bolted upright in response to the commotion and held his blanket up to his chest in surprise and fear. As Ralph's eyes adjusted to the dark he was able to identify Clyde who was briskly walking toward him. This caused him to loosen the grip on his blanket as he wasn't afraid of Clyde in the slightest.
 * The heavy man's grubby fingers grabbed a lamp that was resting on the nightstand next to Ralph's bed, without delay Ralph threw the lamp and it struck Clyde right in the face. The lamp bounced off his face and hit the floor, shattering upon impact. The force of the lamp caused Clyde to stagger backward and an assortment of bruises to appear on his face, the effect was ever so brief and in an incredibly short amount of time that was comparable to being slightly longer than a blink of an eye, Clyde was upon Ralph and swatting him repeatedly with the pry bar. Ralph tried to shield himself, but it did no good, cuts and bruises formed on his meaty arms and the beating continued until Clyde heard a crunch which had somehow managed to make itself audible over Ralph's terrified and pained screams.- The heavy man's grubby fingers grabbed a lamp that was resting on the nightstand next to Ralph's bed. Without delay Ralph threw the lamp and it struck Clyde right in the face. The lamp bounced off his face and hit the floor, shattering upon impact. The force of the lamp caused Clyde to stagger backward and an assortment of bruises to appear on his face. The effect was ever so brief and in an incredibly short amount of time that was comparable to being slightly longer than a blink of an eye, Clyde was upon Ralph and swatting him repeatedly with the pry bar. Ralph tried to shield himself, but it did no good. Cuts and bruises formed on his meaty arms and the beating continued until Clyde heard a crunch which had somehow managed to make itself audible over Ralph's terrified and pained screams.
 * I should feel surprised if anything, I never would have imagined killing someone with a pry bar.- I should feel surprised if anything. I never would have imagined killing someone with a pry bar.
 * Clyde stepped into the bathroom and changed into his spare set of clothes, stuffing the original set into a spare trash bag that he had brought along which he in turn stuffed into his backpack, he did the same with his pry bar.- Clyde stepped into the bathroom and changed into his spare set of clothes, stuffing the original set into a spare trash bag that he had brought along which he in turn stuffed into his backpack; he did the same with his pry bar.
 * The sound of sirens woke Clyde from his slumber, he rolled over and glanced at his alarm clock which informed him that it was 4:25 PM. He got up and glanced out the window while in nothing but a shirt and boxers. His suspicions were not met, firetrucks and police cars flew by his house in a hurry, instead of parking in front of it.- The sound of sirens woke Clyde from his slumber. He rolled over and glanced at his alarm clock which informed him that it was 4:25 PM. He got up and glanced out the window while in nothing but a shirt and boxers. His suspicions were not met; firetrucks and police cars flew by his house in a hurry, instead of parking in front of it.
 * It wasn't hard to guess where the firetrucks were headed as a plume of smoke was easily discernible, all he had to do was follow the smoke. Clyde cut through alleyways in an effort to reduce the amount of travel time, it worked.- It wasn't hard to guess where the firetrucks were headed as a plume of smoke was easily discernible. All he had to do was follow the smoke. Clyde cut through alleyways in an effort to reduce the amount of travel time; it worked.
 * Clyde stood there thinking for a minute before continuing toward the smoke, The bullet. The blow I took this morning must have impacted the bullet. If I'm not careful the bullet might get knocked around in my brain and kill me. Still though, it's not as if I have anything to lose.- Clyde stood there thinking for a minute before continuing toward the smoke. The bullet. The blow I took this morning must have impacted the bullet. If I'm not careful the bullet might get knocked around in my brain and kill me. Still, though, it's not as if I have anything to lose.
 * The clerk soon had his fill, or perhaps the answers he sought, and left, Clyde followed from a distance while trying to look casual.- The clerk soon had his fill, or perhaps the answers he sought, and left. Clyde followed from a distance while trying to look casual.
 * The bed contained two occupants, the man, who he had decided to be at fault for not telling him the Quick Trip was closed or for distracting the gunman, and a woman with raven colored hair.- The bed contained two occupants- the man, who he had decided to be at fault for not telling him the Quick Trip was closed or for distracting the gunman, and a woman with raven colored hair.
 * The man reached for a baseball bat next to the bed, while the woman picked up her phone and began to dial upon seeing Clyde in the door way, the dial tone was menacing. Out of options, Clyde charged the man and stabbed with his knife. The move was foolish and the knife embedded itself into the baseball bat. The homeowner brought his bat in for a head swing, but missed as Clyde ducked and tackled him to the ground. The two men hit the ground with Clyde on top and the clerk on bottom, Clyde's knee was on the man's chest and his right foot was positioned on his crotch. Clyde kicked, causing the man to enter a dazed state and let out a groan. Clyde stood up and dashed for the woman, despite his belief of being too late. However, as he dashed for her, he noticed that she was picking her cell phone off the ground, she had fumbled it while frantically trying to call the police.- The man reached for a baseball bat next to the bed, while the woman picked up her phone and began to dial upon seeing Clyde in the doorway; the dial tone was menacing. Out of options, Clyde charged the man and stabbed with his knife. The move was foolish and the knife embedded itself into the baseball bat. The homeowner brought his bat in for a head swing, but missed as Clyde ducked and tackled him to the ground. The two men hit the ground with Clyde on top and the clerk on bottom. Clyde's knee was on the man's chest and his right foot was positioned on his crotch. Clyde kicked, causing the man to enter a dazed state and let out a groan. Clyde stood up and dashed for the woman, despite his belief of being too late. However, as he dashed for her, he noticed that she was picking her cell phone off the ground. She had fumbled it while frantically trying to call the police.
 * Clyde stomped his foot down on the woman's phone and hand, a crunch could be heard causing him to wonder if the source of it was the cellphone or the woman's hand.- Clyde stomped his foot down on the woman's phone and hand. A crunch could be heard causing him to wonder if the source of it was the cell phone or the woman's hand.
 * A thump originated from the living room, the emotionless entered to find his target scrambling to get back to his feet, the man's fear had betrayed him and caused him to stumble.- A thump originated from the living room. The emotionless entered to find his target scrambling to get back to his feet; the man's fear had betrayed him and caused him to stumble.
 * The grating sound returned and caused him to collapse to his knees, “Damn this noise, it's going to be the death of me.” he had replied in response.- The grating sound returned and caused him to collapse to his knees. “Damn this noise. It's going to be the death of me,” he had replied in response.
 * The party pulled no punches, there was alcohol, loud music, dancing, and a ton of young people; the whole nine yards. However, none of that was really Clyde's sort of thing, he had only stopped by to support his friend. Looking for an excuse to get away from the music and obnoxious crowd, Clyde stepped out onto the front porch to light a cigarette, however, his eyes picked up on something, or rather someone, that interested him far me. A pretty young red head was quietly seated alone on a bench, it was just the two of them.- The party pulled no punches; there was alcohol, loud music, dancing, and a ton of young people- the whole nine yards. However, none of that was really Clyde's sort of thing. He had only stopped by to support his friend. Looking for an excuse to get away from the music and obnoxious crowd, Clyde stepped out onto the front porch to light a cigarette. However, his eyes picked up on something, or rather someone, that interested him far more. A pretty young red head was quietly seated alone on a bench. It was just the two of them.
 * “Me either, these types of things aren't for me. I just came because I knew Sam would want me here. Too bad I haven't seen him all night, some friend huh?”- “Me either. These types of things aren't for me. I just came because I knew Sam would want me here. Too bad I haven't seen him all night. Some friend, huh?”
 * “Heh, if I know Sam, then he's already drunk and off his rocker. How do you know Sam anyway?”- “Heh, if I know Sam, then he's already drunk and off his rocker. How do you know Sam, anyway?”
 * “Ah, he's my best friend. Although he irritates the hell out of me at times. As much as I hung out with him before he started college, it's odd that we haven't met before, miss...”- “Ah, he's my best friend. Although he irritates the hell out of me at times. As much as I hung out with him before he started college, it's odd that we haven't met before, Miss...”
 * “Clyde. Say Annie...”- “Clyde. Say, Annie...”
 * “This place sucks, want to go get a burger?”- “This place sucks. Want to go get a burger?”

Okay, now for my review. ~sets glasses on desk~ I…loved it! It was both beautiful and chilling. I absolutely loved some of the language and descriptions, like when you described Annie as clutching at hope as though it were tangible, and the description of the ring as a forgotten relic from another time. I thought the “Getting reparations” line was chilling, and then came a line that was even more chilling- “I’m not even mad”. I found the matter-of-fact description of brutal killing without passion to be very effective. This reminded me of a classic Batman comic I once read (I’ll have to find the issue) in which a mild-mannered man started killing uncontrollably after a head injury. When Clyde started to leave, but the coin jar broke, I thought, “Oh, dang!” I felt for the character while being chilled by his acts. It was interesting how Clyde’s logic in breaking up with Annie was cold, yet had a degree of compassion too. The foreshadowing was also great. Please let me know when this is posted so I can add it to my favorites list. Great job! :-D