Guardians

I sit across from my friend Josh in his tiny apartment living room. It's his 40th birthday and the man is an absolute wreck. His face is gaunt, eyes bloodshot with exhaustion. Used dishes clutter not just the kitchenette but the living room as well. He stares into his computer screen, desperately trying to find distraction from his present reality.

In the other wing chair sits Devin, who just kind of invited himself over and made himself at home.

We've both known Josh all his life, but Devin and I have never gotten along. I guess you could describe Devin as one of those cliche fake friends they tell you about in Sunday School or D.A.R.E. You know, the ones who are only ever there to manipulate you and get you in trouble, all while acting like you can trust them. Picture an after-school special cartoon character wanting to give you drugs because "it'll help you relaaaax maaan."

The last thing Josh needs is for Devin to be around right now, but at the moment there's not really much I can do about it. Devin has always had a way of showing up during Josh's roughest, most vulnerable moments in life, to try to get him to join his own nihilistic lifestyle. Since childhood I have watched him enable Josh's worst tendencies, egging him on to do stupid shit and offering "moral support" during such times.

Josh takes a break from browsing and lets out a heavy sigh. "Happy fucking birthday to me," he says bitterly.

"Yeah, and it just so happens to be almost six months since she left you and took the kids. That's rough," Devin adds "helpfully." He draws close and wraps an arm around Josh's shoulder. "But I'm here for ya bud. It'll be alright."

"Six months. Six months down, the whole rest of my life to go," Josh says.

"It's not going to be like this forever, Josh," I offer.

"Yeah, he's right, it's not," Devin says. "But right now, you need something to take the edge off. What you need is a drink my friend."

He beckons for Josh to get out of his chair, which he absentmindedly does, following Devin a few paces to the kitchenette. Josh opens up a cupboard and takes out a bottle of whiskey.

"Don't do it, Josh. I keep telling you to pour that shit down the sink. It'll just make you worse-off," I plead.

Devin turns to me. "Uh, excuse me, it's his birthday and the six-month anniversary of his whore of a wife walking out on him and taking everything he had. Give the man a break. He deserves it."

I ignore him. "You still have a life to lead, however crappy right now. Drinking will just make things worse. Put the bottle down."

Devin gestures around the pathetic little apartment. "Just how much worse could his life get right now? It's not like he's driving anywhere tonight. Besides, lots of people drink whiskey."

I turn back to face Josh. "Yeah that's true, and lots of people can handle it, but you aren't one of them. I know you, and we both know you can't handle alcohol."

Josh sighs and puts down the bottle. "Shit, goddammit" he mutters as he returns to his living room chair.

"He may be right about some things," Devin continues, "but you gotta learn to take what he says with a grain of salt."

"Josh, just, just fucking ignore him dude. He does this shit with everybody. All he's here to do is throw you a pity party for you to wallow in misery that he's enabling. When has listening to him ever made things better for you?"

"Well, look where listening to you has gotten him."

"Yeah, well, listening to you didn't exactly make his marriage any stronger," I retort.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know good and well what it means. Him letting you come over and play mentor did him no favors in the end."

"Woah, woah, woah" Devin raises a hand. "Are you...are you seriously about to blame any small part of the divorce on him? In his darkest moments? Just what the hell exactly kind of a friend are you? I don't know what divorce court you were at, but from where I was sitting it looked like he was railroaded and had everything stolen from him."

"No Devin, I'm not pinning it on him, I'm pinning it on you. You getting in his head didn't help."

"Well, she would have cheated and left anyway regardless."

"Yeah, that's probably true, but again, you only ever made things worse."

Devin then notices something on the blog page Josh is reading.

"Hey, hey Josh, hey, take a look in the lower-right corner of your screen."

I groan. It's an ad for Ashley Madison.

"You really think that's gonna work, Devin?"

"Well, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'd prefer an ad with a different model. I can tell he doesn't really find this one attractive. Classic blonde women with big tits don't really do it for him. Petite an' perky brunettes have always been more his type. There's a half-Asian model they use that would be perfect for him, but alas, I can't control everything."

"Josh, close out your tab. Don't even think about clicking it."

"And why not, exactly? What does he have left to lose? It's not like he has to worry about getting caught cheating on anyone."

"You'd just be doing to someone else what Sara's coworker did to you, Josh."

"Not necessarily. Not all of the men whose wives are on there would be innocent victims like him. I bet there's thousands of women on there looking to cheat because their own husbands are abusive cheating pieces of shit. He'd be both saving her and getting justice on at least one unfaithful man in the world. He'd be a hero."

I sigh. "Devin may be right about some of the women and their situations, but it's not right, and you know it's not right. I don't have to tell you this."

Devin plays at ignoring my words. "Or, or, here me out here, forget trying to actually date one of them. How about you find one of them who really is just being a cheating whore, and flip the tables on her? Hit her up under a fake name, get her to think you're serious, get her to send you nudes, then expose her to everyone she knows. Her husband will thank you for it and you get to strike a blow for all of faithful mankind."

"You wouldn't be able to live with yourself and you know it. You're better than that."

"Yeah, that's the thing. His whole life he's been 'better than that.'" Devin puts his hands down on Josh's shoulders. "You're whole life you've been 'better than that' and look where you are now. I've known you your whole life, Josh, and I've sat and watched the whole world walk all over you. At some point you just gotta say to hell with it and go with your heart."

I rebuke him. "I've known you as long as he has. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He's just using you like he always has. He gets off on messing with people like this."

"Hey Josh, you know the term 'sugar daddy', right? You think there are female versions of that? You think there are any young pretty women born into more money than they know what to do with, just waiting to take in a poor damaged man like you? It's worth at least finding out, don't you think? Or maybe you could help a girl who's always wanted to be an American. She won't care that you don't have a lot of money left, it'll still be more than she has."

"If you did that, you'd be complicit in a borderline type of human trafficking. Come on, you don't exploit people."

"Yes Josh, listen to your so-called friend here, always wanting you to be the cuck and never the pimp. You know what I bet Sara's doing right now?" Devin starts raising his voice. "You know what I bet she's doing, on your birthday, in your house, on your bed? I bet she's letting her new husband fuck her silly in celebration of their six months of legally being together."

"Josh..."

"And I'll bet she's doing things for him that she would never do for you. Little Miss 'I can't do any type of oral sex ever because my Baptist parents said that's naughty, but it's okay for me to fuck my coworker behind my husband's back when he loses his job, by no fault of his own, and then throw him out of the house and take the kids and all his money.' She was just waiting for the right guy to come along to release her inhibitions, and obviously that guy wasn't you."

Josh grits his teeth and balls up his fists in helpless rage.

"Alright, that's it." What my friend needs right now is a sudden internet outage. The modem happens to be by my foot, so I bend down and provide one.

"Hey, you can't do that, that's cheating" Devin protests.

I stare him right in the eyes. "Hey Devin, speaking of losing jobs, aren't you one to talk. How are you gonna give advice to Josh when you fucked your own circumstances up so bad? You had a great job, then you and your friends decided you were better than your boss and got fired and banned from the premises because you didn't think he'd find out about all the shit you were up to. Your life has been literal hell ever since, and the last thing I want is for Josh to end up in your place."

Devin raises his hands and tip-toes back a couple paces in mock offense. "Well, I see you aren't holding back on any low blows tonight. Yes, it's true, I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect, ya got me." He turns back to Josh. "It's just that unlike Mister Straight-Laced here, I never pretended to be. Come back to the kitchen with me."

"No Josh, not the bottle again."

"No Josh, not the bottle, I promise. Just come over here."

Josh gets up and does so. Devin gestures toward the utensil drawer. "This'll make you feel better. Open the drawer and take out a knife."

Josh opens the drawer and retrieves a big meat knife. Devin stands behind him and gently tightens Josh's fingers around the grip.

"Picture this knife going through his neck. Actually no, picture cutting his balls off and then stabbing his neck."

"Come on, Josh, you're not a murderer."

"Hey, he's allowed to dream. Just let him dream."

"Josh, Josh, listen to me. Remember in middle school when those bullies were pushing you around. Remember how you really wanted to hurt one of them? Remember how I told you it wasn't worth it and that eventually that part of your life would pass? Aren't you glad you listened to me?"

"Yeah, and remember what I said? Remember how I told you the bullies always win in the end? Well, I don't mean to boast, but look who was right all along. Some bullies steal your books, and some steal your wife, your kids, and everything you own. You couldn't count on the teachers to give you justice then, just like you can't expect the courts to give you justice now.

"And it's not just him," he continues. "Everyone working at Sara's office knew what they were doing together, and they didn't tell you. Half of them probably encouraged them. I mean, she was there all day with them to tell them how many problems you were supposedly causing at home, without you there to defend yourself, just like she's doing with your kids right now, raising them to believe it was your fault. All her coworkers are complicit as well.

'You know what I almost think you should do? You should get your hands on the biggest, baddest gun you can find—hell, I might even help you pick one out—and get good at shooting it. Then walk into that building one day and hose 'em all down like a damn car wash."

Josh smirks a little. Then his smirk grows into a guilty smile.

I have to put a stop to this. "Josh, if you found one bit of that funny or amusing, you should be ashamed of yourself." His smile wanes.

"Oh come on, they're not innocent victims. It's not like he walked into a school and sprayed a bunch of little kids. They all have it coming in this case. Just make sure you record a confession video letting everyone know what drove you to it. The country will act all shocked and horrified, but all the men who have been in his situation will consider him a martyr, secretly at first and then perhaps not so secretly."

"Josh, tune him out. You don't want to go down the road he's leading you."

"Will you just relax, for one second? I'm not literally saying he should do it. I'm just helping him blow off some steam, that's all."

"Josh, you know better than to even think about something like that. The men who do that kind of thing...they're monsters. You'd be way worse than him at that point—"

"There he goes again! Now you can't even imagine a better life for yourself!"

"Alright, that's it, I'm drawing the line here tonight. Talk to him any more about murdering people, and I'm going to throw you out of here myself, got me?"

Devin waves an indifferent hand. "I wasn't aware you were in charge here, but sure, fine, whatever."

I turn to Josh. "It's late, and you need to get some rest. Lay down and get in a better headspace. Come on." He puts the knife down and I put my arm around his shoulder as he absentmindedly lets me lead him to the bedroom.

"Yeah sure Josh, just lie down and bury your head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening to you. Go to your old worn out mattress and sleep it off and who knows, maybe after Sara and Tyler are done with your old king-size, they'll let you have it back. You'll just have to bleach out his cum stains and ignore all the broken springs, but other than that it'll be good as knew. And hopefully tonight you'll be able to tune out the sound of her moaning across the ethereal plane."

I whisper in Josh's ear. "Come on, just ignore him."

He lies down on the bed. I turn to Devin. "You didn't really think he'd become a murderer, did you?"

"Of course not, I know him better than that. But I got him to fantasize about it, which is still a point for me."

"Well, it's 9:03. The Boss said you could tempt him until 9 PM, so time for you to leave. Don't make me banish you."

I see Devin shutter a bit. Banishments are always extremely painful for them and I've done it to him before. "Alright, I'm going, I'm going, sheesh. I'm sure my own boss has need of me elsewhere tonight anyway." He starts to leave, but then turns back for a moment. "But I'll be back. You can't keep me away forever."

Once he is gone, I put my hand on Josh's head as he starts sobbing uncontrollably.