Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31716536-20170411175030/@comment-28428152-20170413234211

TheQuietOne1 wrote: My mom and I where (were) going on a road trip to some national park (if you don't have a specific park in mind, then make up one. Or at least say that the name escapes the narrator's mind at the moment because this seems unnecessarily vague and like the narrator doesn't really care.) during my spring break, which she had off. My school always seemed to have spring break the week before Easter so that was a plus, I guess. (This sentence is unnecessary and awkward. The shorter a story is, the more relevant the information needs to be.)Towards the end, when we had maybe 100 or less miles to get home (are they leaving the park? Or are they on the way? Because this sentence makes it sound like they've already bisited, but later talks about how they want to leave due to snow. Consistency is extremely important.) we stopped by one of my mom's friend's homes who lived in the same county as the national park.

Now you see we decided to, since the park has to (two) entrances and it snowed at least 15 feet that we would drive to both entrances. But you couldn't drive through the park due to the 15 feet of snow so we drove around. (This is extremely awkwardly phrased. Try rearranging these sentences. Maybe something like, "Since the park has two entrences, and they were both blocked by 15 feet of snow, we had to drive around, even though we wanted to pass through both entrances." See how smoother that sounds?) At the half way second entrance (this doesn't make grammatical sense) we came across this little town. It had this 200 year old store/bar/restaurant/ gas (try "convenience store") station, at the fork in the road. (What fork in the road? Mention it previously.)

My mom and I needed some direction(s) and maybe (be more definite.) some drinks (We had tons of snacks and some water). So we went into the store part. The weird thing was there was no one, despite the fact that there were at least two other cars outside besides ours. Plus it was dead silent. Now this was pretty unnerving. My mom and I quickly grabbed some tea and beef jerky. We hurried to the check out counter, very unnerved. As we got to counter we heard a slight scratching sound. As though a rat or something was crawling to us but it soon stopped. (This reaction is really unrealistic. Why wouldn't they think they were out back or in the bathroom or something? Why would they immediately be unnerved? Add some action here besides scratching noises that have no apparent relevance to help further explain this.)

A few minutes after an old woman, as wrinkly as a prune and hair gray as that of a rat (You never mention what she does here. It's an incomplete sentence.). As the old lady ringed us up my mom asked her which way we would go, left or right (since the map from the visitor center at the park had failed to show the turn) to which the lady replied, "To the left then another left turn." This lady sounded like her voice was product of nails against a chalk board. At least we only had to hear her speak once more, right.(use a question mark)

Before I tell you the next part you must know my family at least my mom, dad, and I are not religious at all but due to the oddness of this place it chilled us to the bone. (Why does being religious have anything to do with the story?) The lady soon spoke again, "It will be... six dollars and sixty-six cent(s)." Sure it wouldn't be too spine-tingling if we hadn't already been unnerved (this phrase doesn't make sense. What is so spine-chilling about being rung up at a register?), but we thanked her, quickly getting out of the store and to our car. We quickly got the fuck out of this place. (The last sentence makes it sound like some intense stuff went on, when really nothing unusual actually happened. The absence of the woman could be easily rationalized. And the scratching could be any number of mundane things.)

The rest of the drive to the second entrance was uneventful. Once we got there we saw a beautiful lake, with thin ice. This part of the story was uneventful so I will leave it out since I have little to no time left. (Don't ever say that you'll leave a part of the story out-- and the whole "I'm running out of time" thing is a little cliché. If you need that element, let the reader come to that conclusion, but don't explicitly say that they're running out of time.) It was after we visited my mom's friend we left, almost watched. (What does "almost watched" mean?) It wasn't until we pasted (passed) an old little house with a barn (farmhouse-such a minir detail should be abbreviated), that was completely dark (dark inside the barn?) that I noticed something in the rear view mirror, inside of the car ("inside of the car" is unnecessary). I didn't even have enough time to speak before a cold, scarred hand covered my face with cloth. That's all I remember, i(I) don't know where I am or what else happened or where my mom is but I can hear who ever or what ever (why would the narrator think that it's some sort of monster?) coming so please help me! Call 911! My name is Alice Georgina, my mom is Lina Georgina, please help me I don't know what is going to happen just please it's coming down the stairs..... (How is she going to be asking people online to get her help? Is there a computer left lying in the basement? And if its on paper, then there's no reason she'd be asking the reader to call 911.)

Another note I'd like to make is that this story is painfully shortened. It needs to be fleshed out. Add dialogue, action, suspense. Make it read like a book. Add dimension to the story and the characters.