Talk:The Moguls and the Toymaker/@comment-26425680-20170525212045

That’s the longest damn creepypasta I’ve ever read! I think you’ve actually written a novel... let’s see here – it looks to be about 3,000 words per chapter - seventeen chapters – that gives us 51,000 words – Yup! That’s a novel! Good thing it’s so well written, otherwise I might’ve gouged my eyes out somewhere around I Get it, I’m a TV Trope. Or maybe I would’ve simply stopped reading. But as it is, neither of those situations were close to being a reality, because I was pulled in from the moment I started reading. I love the narrator’s voice; he’s a total wisecracking smartass, a slacker with untapped potential who gives the reader a dose of levity that’s often missing from these types of stories. I mean, how can you go wrong with lines like, "Then I thought of something that took a two-flush shit on my already piss-soaked mood.''?

This is an enjoyable mix of monsters and humor, frights and farce, and horror and amusement. Creepy scenes involving The Old One are juxtaposed with spectacles like an evil clown being laid-out with a pie and a banana peel, and nacho cheese sauce being used as a weapon against a giant worm. How the hell do you think of this stuff? I wonder what’s in that brain of yours.

The overall pacing is spot-on, and the mysterious happenings lead to a satisfying reveal that’s worth the reader’s time. As far as any negatives are concerned, I have very little to say on that matter. The only thing that really pops out is in Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch. As much as I loved the back and forth with the different camera views, I think you jumped around a little too quickly. A little more description would’ve helped smooth things out. I think you were trying to achieve a frenetic pace... which you achieved, just maybe a bit too frenetic. Really though, this is just a nitpick, mostly because I can’t let you leave here with your head swelled too big. That’s a dangerous thing for a writer. Thanks Nicky for giving us this terrific story!