Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20170615234214/@comment-24101790-20170616140352

Here's what I got so far:

The first and sixteenth paragraph could use some breaking up. A typical paragraph is about 5-10 sentences long. Any longer and it comes off as a bit blocky.

"Me, Henry and Ammon(Henry (space needed between Ammon and the opening parenthesis), my sponser (sponsor); and Ammon, my friend)"

Wording: "grappled in and explored the room with our flashlights." (Grappled doesn't seem right here. Rappel might be a better word), "Drooping (dropping) the lid, I covered my mouth", "Then I touched the wall next to me (and) felt weird (a weird) mossy, fleshy thing which faintly vibrated under my arm", "Its legs falter (faltered) and yet it persisted in attacking Henry, and I persisted in attacking ‘’it’’ (the italics aren't registering in parts of the story so I'd check over it)"

Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "the sun was at it's (its) apex.", "ghastly in it’s (its) weird contours, and unheard-of angles, twisting and sloping landscapes totally unaffected by gravity. And that ghastly stench was at it’s (its) zenith here", "striking it's core.", "I stooped down to check on Henry. I saw the veins in his body push out against his skin, and his flesh lost it’s (its) peachy color", etc.

Punctuation: ""Hey, Howard, the smell is gone now, but boss Marlowe is raving mad about the rectangle. He is bustin' a couple 'o nuts 'bout how he'll be rich 'n famous, and how this is the most important archaeological discovery ever.(quotation missing), "Muffled, and subdued(comma should be here instead of after muffled) a splash sounded behind me", "I saw the headframes and wooden scaffoldings and pillars of smoke from campfires far off in the distance."

Capitalization: "one (One)... two... three... four...", ""For God's sake, Howard," he said; "You're (you're, the sentence shouldn't be capitalized as it's a continuation of the dialogue with no conclusive punctuation in-between)) leading this expedtion (expedition)"

Story issues: Some of your descriptions could use a bit more to them. A line like: "As we steadily lifted the plank of iron from the box, there was a swishing noise and we choked as a horrible miasma escaped into the air." is a good line, but adding an analogue or comparison would make for a stronger connection. What did the miasma smell like, what physical response did it have (like feeling it was burning your nose hairs).

Story issues: There are a few lines that are problematic. "the human-spider-fish caricature standing upon that pedestal traumatized my brain past recovery." and "The thing had other features which were removed by brain so that it would remain sane." I would avoid directly telling the audience that the protagonist's brain shut out those details as it feels a bit off that he'd recall that he blocked those memories but not remember them. Instead try to infer it to the audience. Have the protagonist start out writing a description and falter in some way while showing his state of distress.

Awkward wording: Lines like "The miasma was so horrible that if I a monster, threatening to devour the whole world, was contained within that box, I could not bring myself to seal it back up." and "The thing had other features which were removed by (my) brain so that it would remain sane." feel like they need some work. The first line is a little too foreshadowing and the second line's issues were pointed out above. I would suggest reading the story aloud and seeing where you hit stumbling points. Generally a good rule of thumb is that if the line comes off as awkward to read, that it needs revision.

Plot issues: "Apparently the pipe I had disturbed experienced a sudden eruption of water from, and to, some unknown source, and flooded the underground facility." It does seem a bit odd that there would be a water system in the excavation site of what is seemingly an ancient tomb.

Conclusion: There is definitely some work that's needed here, but the story is relatively well-done. I like the scholarly approach the protagonist has to his writing. The ending is relatively strong (Although I would add a scene in New York to justify why he's no longer using water from the tap as he did travel across multiple countries. This would help add a bit more of the psychological component you were referencing earlier.), but could use a bit more to it.