Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25947144-20150125133622/@comment-25941663-20150125155155

I found some punctuation errors:

"no breathe" should be "no breath" "to scared" should be "too scared"

Also, I think there is a grammatical error, although I am not sure:

"if he would run through the fire" should be "if he run through the fire". Although, maybe 'run' should be 'ran'.

Finally, you missed a space in the last paragraph (that is a minor error but I had to let you know):

"will care either.An awful way" should be "will care either. An awful way".

I like this version of the story a bit better. It is not creepy as a concept, but it is executed very well. Fix the errors I pointed out and I think it could possibly get accepted on the main site, although I would ask an admin's opinion if I were you.