Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20140923012345/@comment-24040907-20141006033320

Hello again, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've read your new edit a few times and I've found a few slight errors. I'll list them here because I don't think I can edit the actual story at this time:

1. ...highly dangerous entity who hated any mere mortals and took great delight in inflicting much death and misery among them.(Remove the "S" from "Mortals" or change "Any" to "The")

2. Then he felt something cold and soft touched the back of his neck and he jumped, yelping. (remove the -ed suffix from "Touch")

3. Was there possibly an unearthly explanation to the tragedy that befelled the Chalmers family, and an even more unimaginable one that quite possibly claimed hundreds more? (Befell is the past-tense of Befall, and therefore requires no -ed suffix)

4. “Try not to struggle!” You’ll get free easier as long as you don’t struggle!” (Add a quotation mark before "You'll")

5. “Like most elves, Croyce had a penchant for waxing poetic and drifting into philosophical musing rather than getting straight to the point. (Remove the quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence)

6. “Still too early to say for sure, but given the things we found so far...it wouldn’t surprise me that they were involved into something...a little less family friendly.” (Change "Into" to just "In" and add a "'ve" suffix at the end of "We")

That's all I found, and the new edit looks squeaky-clean as far as spelling and grammar are concerned. Story-wise I thought it to be a nice addition, as the original ending seemed "chopped" or too abrupt.

Also, I think that adding the gruesome pictures in the letter would be very frightening, and would tie in the bomb shelter side-plot very nicely. But I must ask; why would there be horrific photos with the babysitter's letter? Did someone plant them there or is the babysitter trying to traumatize Marc? I think it would make a great scare, as long as it is explained later.

And you're right, the Apocalypse and its after-effects have been done to death, but never in a fantasy setting, as far as I'm aware. You'll have to forgive me for constantly drawing connections between your work and popular culture miscellania. It's just how I process things : )