Lost and Found

Lost and found bins are often full of unclaimed items such as coats and watches. Derrick, a cheapskate, frequented them in an effort to save money on clothes. Distance was not a problem for him, as he did not mind having to travel to a new bin location.

“Yes, that’s mine,” he said as he pointed to a nice hat at his latest stop, a train depot. He had spotted a well-worn bowler that he thought looked like it would go well with his other ill-gotten finery.

Laughing at his good fortune and at yet another successful scam, he donned the hat and went back to his house for a well-deserved rest.

His house was decorated with all the finest in whatever he could get on sale at the thrift store or ‘liberate’ from large chain stores. He lived alone at that house for obvious reasons, namely that he loathed spending money even on himself.

Lacking anyone to talk to, he opted to parade in front of his bathroom mirror for him to see all of his ‘glory.’

Though over the next few days he found many items, he always wore the bowler, having taken a shine to it.

One morning, though, Derrick awoke to find that he was losing clumps of his hair. Deciding against shelling out for a doctor, he contended that he never liked hair. Besides, he thought, it would save him money on shampoo.

However, he would not be able to remain so optimistic over the next few days. He would die in his yard, trying to save money by refusing an ambulance.

The paramedics, noting his death, went to move his body when the hat fell off, revealing a grim sight: he lacked skin where the hat was.

Seeing this, the paramedics called the CDC, who in turn called HAZMAT. It turned out the hat belonged to a homegrown terrorist who had been working on a dirty bomb.

Though the official cause of death was listed as radiation poisoning, it could just have been greed.