Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181228225151/@comment-35711173-20181229030549

L0CKED334,

I am going to look first at the English and then discuss the story.

Grammarly free mode doesn't show a number of errors. One error you have to be careful with is whether or not a comma is necessary before conjunctions like and. Try replacing the and with a period. If you have two complete and meaningful sentences then you need the comma. Below are two sentences from your first paragraph.


 * There is always a big party thrown by the senior class and it is tradition to attend.
 * A certain person is there and this might be your last chance to make a good impression on them.

Check for run-on sentences using https://www.scribens.com - you have one:

Several of the occupants of the room snicker at the phrase but you are shocked with the Asian girl takes a sip of her drink and smacks the guy on the arm.

The same website says the sentence below is awkward.

There are no funny stories that follow this but suddenly you notice they all seem to be looking directly at you.

Grammarly says there is a "Premium" error in this sentence as well. Replacing the conjuction but with a period makes Grammarly love the sentence.

Grammarly says that there is nothing wrong with the following sentence while Scribens says that it is a sentence that can have words reduced.

You continue to nurse your drink as your eyes scan your surroundings.

I would change it to

You nurse your drink as your eyes scan your surroundings.

That's shorter and stronger. Scribens find seven other such sentences.

Scribens also says that there are 63 words it identifies for potential vocabulary enhancement. If you click that button and then go through the highlighted sections, some will be ludicrous and some will be excellent ideas. Give it a try.

The last three words in the sentence below are a tell, not a show.

Body shuffle about and bump into each other while singing, dancing, genuinely being wild.

I went through the first three paragraphs with https://prowritingaid.com. It says the following:

You overused see/saw and have.

Three sentences in particular need to be tightened.


 * Everyone knows there is only one place to be tonight, and that is the Old Morrison Plantation.
 * A certain person is there and this might be your last chance to make a good impression on them.
 * A group of cheerleaders are being coached on the rules of beer pong in the adjacent dining room but you do not see who you are looking for.

This tool has other handy features.

Story:

There's nothing new under the sun, not even in creepypasta. The idea is good. My question is whether or not the people who are doing this game are locals or strangers. This feels like a High School graduation party, not a college graduation party. You'd know your own High School class. After all, you've known them since Kindergarten. If some strange Asian girl came, wouldn't you be on the alert? My High School parties were a lot smaller. A trash can full of Jesus Juice punch, with the price of admission being a suitable donation of drinkable, smokeable or snortable materials. Sure, we got pretty wasted but we were cautious around strangers. Were they Narcs?

College was of course a MUCH bigger scene. Sigma Nu keggers ruled.