Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26869801-20160513230203/@comment-25569708-20160513235625

Hey there LeoUniverse! Well, halfway through making my review I was disappointed see that EmpyrealInvective got to your story before me, but here is part of my review nonetheless. First, the errors. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'm talking about here:

"webstite" should be "website"

"playing and making everything to earn “money” and make my account great in every way" should be something like "playing, making everything, just to earn “money” to make my account great in every way"

"all off my free time" should be "all of my free time"

"old timy fun" should be "old timey fun"

"I tought" should be "I thought"

"be na hypocrate" should be "be a hypocrite"

"one of those Deep Web strange sites" should be "one of those strange Deep Web sites"

"he answered the website was unstable" should be "he answered that the website was unstable"

"there was really dark black one" should be "there was a really dark black one"

"The menus e guides" should be "The menu guides"

"“Giant Omlet” ad" should be "“Giant Omelette” ad"

"“Mortal Duel”, where a" should be "“Mortal Duel”, where a" (Double spaced)

"but it looked like a "Chia", full of injuries on what seemed to look like a cage" should be "but it looked like a "Chia", covered in injuries inside of what seemed to look like a cage" (Double spaced)

"of a seryinge" should be "of a syringe"

"there was an" should be "there was a"

"The serynge" should be "The syringe"

"as soon as I make the website to load again" should be "as soon as I make the website load again"

Okay, now let's move on to somethings that I think should be changed for various reasons:

"Where should I start, uh?". Is the narrator saying "uhh..." or "huh?"? You should change this to either "Where should I start? Uhh..." or "Where should I start, huh?"

"my little "Koruga"". I've never played NeoPets before, so I have no idea what a "Koruga" is. You should probably explain what it is for non-players reading.

""Ragnarök" and "World of Warcraft"". These do not have to be in bold.

"a “pirate” version of the game". "Pirated"? "Hacked" would be better.

"I must say I would still go and check my account every now and then." But I thought the narrator completely forgot about the game when he stopped playing? Or is he referring to the future? Clarification is needed.

"the URL was just numbers." The "URL" wasn't all numbers, the web address was.

"With an answer like that, I didn’t have much to expect on those numbers." You should probably replace "on those numbers" with "about that website".

"That was grotesque." Is this stream-of-consciousness storytelling or is the narrator telling us about events that have already happened? This line is just odd.

"Oh, and that red star on top? Ughhh…". Is it really that bad? It's sort of a weird line to have in a story.

"there were so many weird things I couldn’t even handle it". Again, was it really that bad? What weird things? This guy is a young adult, right? Wouldn't he be braver?

"Who did that, probablly didn’t like that stupid tactic they used to earn money, just like me" I'm not sure that's what the website-maker was going for, and "probablly" should be "probably".

"where positioned, UFC style, with mad facial expressions..". "UFC style" is a biarre term for a creepypasta like this.

"there were... japanese symbols?". Were there? This is making it sound like this is all happening to the narrator in real-time. And capitalize "Japanese".

"The lunatic who created this website wanted to sell drugs and alcohol to virtual creatures.". Huh? Really? I got the vibe that he was just trying to freak people out. Is this really what the site-maker intended, or is this just some explanation thought up by the narrator?

"I wanna play “NeoPets”, I mean, "Neoneovets" again." ...This just doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't he just delete "NeoPets" and type "Neoneovets" instead?

Okay, as far as story goes, EmpyrealInvective about covered it. It frankly felt rushed, under-described, slightly ridiculous, and just plain generic. Also, there wasn't really anything here I'd call "scary", just a weird website with some badly-drawn illustrations.

Well, those are my thoughts. I hope I was able to help you a bit with this story. Good luck fellow Creeper!