Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25308679-20160704223755/@comment-28266772-20160705133701

I wouldn't add any more historical examples of doppelgangers simply because it's effective enough on it's own, everyone is already well aware of what a doppelganger is so explaining it any further is unnecessary, and because your story is short it would risk unbalancing the pacing. Overall I didn't spot many grammatical errors, but instead noticed two glaring problems, and only a few wording issues

The two glaring problems are your references to other works. The biggest offender is 'son of slenderman' which will invevitably be automatically blocked due to the blacklist this wikia has on spinoffs (any of the words in this list will trigger it.) So as a heads up, if you want to submit it's an absolute must that you take that reference out, or put it through the spin off appeal here. Because it's a passing reference I'm sure it'd get approved as a false positive but for all the effort, it would probably just be easier to take it out.

The second reference is to paranormal activity. This feels strange, and honestly totally unnecessary. It's up to you, as a writer, to put an image into my mind. It does not leave a great impression when you basically ask me to go fish out someone else's work from the archive of my memory. It's too vague, and is by far the biggest weakpoint in your story. But it's an extremely minor problem overall, and it'd take no time to fix.

Wording issues:

It was a simple form with absolutely no features, -> this is a coincidental problem, but because you just mentioned papers being handed out I thought you meant the page was ‘a simple form’ as in, it had questions and answers to be filled in. Might be worth changing the word ‘form’ to avoid this ambiguity.

When the school day was done and the little activity remained in her folder, -> strange bit of wording here. Where else could the activity remain other than in her folder? Your drawing attention to something that’s assumed by the reader hurts the flow.

leap above becoming a stick. -> I think this has just gone over my head. Can you clarify?

pleased for no reason apparent to her. -> again this is slightly awkward. If you read the work out loud this sentence might catch you out. It doesn’t flow very well. I think it’d be better if it was a bit more active i.e. “For no reason apparent to her she was pleased” or something to that effect

What she hadn’t counted on what a particular ability humans possess -> do you mean 'what was a particular ability...'?

even while sleeping, they can still sense when others are watching them. -> Again, this feels too passive. Why not just “they can still…even while sleeping.”

but nothing is so certain. -> not sure the ‘so’ is necessary here. Feels weird.

she dared to slip her eyes open -> an unconventional image here that feels awkward. Not sure anyone ‘slips’ their eyes open.

how horrifying nothingness can be compared to sharp teeth and sunken eyes every ghost seems to have. -> this is awkward again. It made me think that the shape had sharp teeth and sunken eyes. Also ghosts don’t really have sharp teeth as a cliché. They’re a lot of things, but I don’t think they have sharp teeth. Transparent and incorporeal? Yes. Sharp teeth? No. This is even reflected in your wording when you say they ‘seem to’ have sharp teeth. The whole sentence feels like an unsure pitch to convince me that ghosts have sharp teeth – which distracts from the main point that this thing is fucking terrifying.

It shook her as her neck was gripped -> Again, passive wording. It just reads awkwardly as a result. Compare it to 'It shook her as it gripped her neck'.

Janet couldn’t breathe at all now and would die in seconds if she couldn’t get some air. -> wrong tense (present/conditional).

With her eyes wide yet again, the apparition wasn't there anymore. -> passive



The Draw Your Double paper sat as it already [eh?] had on her nightstand. -> wording

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Story issues – biggest issue I noticed is the tendency to rely on artificial conceits to move the story forward. For example,

<p class="MsoNormal">When she woke up, she didn’t open her eyes. She could still feel it -> hmmm… I’m pretty sure most people open their eyes when they wake up. This sentence just happens for no real reason.

<p class="MsoNormal">She slammed her eyes shut again, hoping it would go away. -> Now the problem here is that once she has a legitimate reason to actually be shitting her pants, she shuts her eyes. This is something a child does, and without an established reason it feels false.

<p class="MsoNormal">Miraculously, she was able to suck in the most (missing air here) she could and filled her lungs in desperation -> why can she suddenly do this? Again, it just happens.

<p class="MsoNormal">

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So overall I enjoyed your story, thought it was very well written, and with only minor wording errors I think it'd be a great addition to this site that should pass QS (though I'm not an admin so for the love of God don't cite me).

In conclusion: It's up to you if you want to change the wording and story suggestions I've made (though some of them are obvious errors like swapping 'was' with 'what') but it's an absolute must to take out the reference to slenderman/go to spinoff appeal because it'll trigger the blacklist.

Best of luck!