Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-23872426-20150430033730

(Greetings! I am in need of review for the first half of my story backwater creek. I feel that the intro is too long and I think I could probably start the story right where he goes to work.)



Backwater Creek

             “And the search heats up. Yet another person has been reported missing in the community of Westburn, putting residence on high alert. One week ago, Kasey Simmons was last seen leaving a friend’s house late at night and now police need your help in locating her, along with three other women who have all gone missing under similar circumstances. Police believe all of these cases, which have spanned throughout the past few months, are all related and are now asking for information. Currently the Westburn police department, along with three neighboring counties are now in a heated search for the body in the surrounding woods and local rivers.”



             As the news flashed out its latest morning headlines, Jack and his two roommates Craig and Wesley casually ate their breakfast. All of them were young bloods, roughly around their 20’s, all with a very good understanding of the other as they’d known each other for a long time. Casually Jack fixated his attention onto the news, zoning out the current but dull conversation the three of them were carrying out…



“Another girl…” Jack muttered softly. “Same circumstances too…I hope they find them soon.”



Across the table Craig glared grimly at Jack, while Wesley remained fixated on his cereal. “Here he goes again.” Craig announced in a rather annoyed manner. “The Park Ranger who knows more about these disappearances than the actual investigators themselves! Please don’t begin your rant about where the bodies are again.”



Wesley stopped focusing his attention on his cereal for just a second. “Knock it off.” He told Craig.



Craig pointed his spoon over to Jack “I’m just saying the man’s obsessed!”



“Ehem.” Jack interrupted. “Just bare with me here you two! Just for a second please!” Jack’s head turned to the television screen then back to his two roommates. “Look. The cops are doing what they think is right, which is search the places that you think a body would hide! But they’re wrong; they’re not searching in the right spot. If they knew the state park like I did, they would have found those girls by now.” Each word Jack spoke seemed to kindle his…obsession with the case.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“Look. He’s not saying you’re wrong Jack he just means that…” Wesley paused for a second, trying to find the right words. “We think you’re a little too interested in this case. I’m sure the police know what they’re doing.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">Jack shook his head immediately. “You’re wrong. They don’t know what they’re doing. The people searching for these girls aren’t using common sense, they’re following orders from some idiot sitting behind a desk, fixed on a map where he thinks someone would hide a body because it’s far from town.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“What makes you so-“ Craig hesitated, just like Wesley did before. His eyes skewered the room as he tried to think of a phrase that wouldn’t upset Jack. “Just bear with me here: How do you know these girls are dead? Maybe they’re all alive and in like Mexico or something?”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“No.” Jack said, growing irritated that his friends were questioning him once again. “It’s obvious that these aren’t just kidnappings. In the first case, of the woman named Emily. She was taken from her porch and there were obvious signs of a struggle as given evidence by the broken items around her porch. Investigators think that whoever did it hid under her deck waiting for her to leave the entire night, and when he finally did snatch her there were obvious signs of a viscous struggle. Glass was cracked and various pots were broken.” Jack adjusted himself on the seat, now raising his hands in front of him to help him communicate. “Now this doesn’t present signs of death. However, a rusted knife that was covered in blood was found tossed into a storm drain on the same block. They couldn’t do a blood sample because the muck contaminated it, so they can only assume.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“Then in the second case, another conspicuous weapon that may have been used for murder was found nearby, this one stashed under the base of a tree and-“

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“We get the point.” Wesley said. “The woman are dead…” he said softly. He probably thought it was disrespectful to talk about this subject like this…

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">Jack closed his eyes and grasped his thoughts. There was so many facts that he knew about this case that he could use to turn their opinions but he just couldn’t bring them up under this pressure and irritation. He licked his lips and squinted his eyes for a second. “Okay…” He whispered softly, and took a deep breath. “This dude is obviously smart. He’s taken four women now and he still hasn’t been caught. There’s been little evidence of him other than some matching boot prints and some shirt hairs. Smart men don’t hide their bodies in the middle of the forest, hunters find them all the time! Like seriously, my money is that this guy knows the spring rains in this area are harsh. I bet he’s just waiting for the water to wash these corpses away. And there’s one perfect spot to do it: Backwater Creek.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">The others remained quite. They knew there was no silencing him now. “Bear with me now. Okay…” Jack stumbled to catch his words as his excitement was becoming more evident. Obviously he’d been thinking on this for a while. “Backwater is the only creek not only in the national park, but in the entire corner of this state that they don’t got mapped. Every year this creek floods over its bed like every river does and washes everything away with it. Hell, my boss told me it even washed his car away. Those cops, they’re not looking there because it’s not on the map. They’re looking at every other creek and river except it and that’s why I know that those girls have to be there, otherwise they’d of found ‘em by now!”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">An awkward silence followed…the three men just sat there, all quietly staring at one another. Jack knew he had more to say on the matter but he felt that his most recent outburst had ended all interest in the topic. It was obvious that Jack knew a lot about the topic, yet perhaps he knew too much. This seemed to be the point both of his friends were eagerly tying to get apart but alas, Jack was not interested.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“You know Jack…” Wesley spoke up. “People have various hobbies and obsessions. Some people spend their entire day in front of a screen. Some people are obsessed with music. Heck, people are even obsessed with things like running. These are all normal. You however aren’t normal. You’re obsessed with this crap!”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">Wesley mouthed at him to stop, but Craig just shook his head. “You know it’s true! He spends nearly the entire night on those stupid websites reading everything there is to know about these cases. These geeks across the internet, they don’t actually live in the town where it happened. They don’t need to worry about how this is still going on and about how we need to stay out of this before something bad happens…” Craig sighed, rubbing his hand across his mouth as he thought for a few more moments. He then lifted himself up using his arms, and stormed to the door quickly slipping his shoes on.“You know what, screw this. I’m going to work. You should all do the same instead of playing detective, because the bills here don’t pay for themselves!”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">With that rather cruel statement, Craig stormed out the door. Jack and Wesley just looked at each other quietly as they waited to hear the familiar roar of Craig’s car leaving the driveway.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">Vroom!

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">The familiar sound of Craig’s car filled the empty spaces of the home, and rode off into the distance. “Dick.” Jack murmured as he slowly stood up and headed for the door.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">“He’s not entirely wrong ya’ know.” Wesley shouted across the room. “You are kind of getting a little obsessive.”

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">Jack then went off to work his job, the seldom life of a park ranger. Greyer state park was just a short car ride out of town. The route was pretty straightforward; all that needed to be done was just take a quick 15-mile drive down the southernmost highway of the town. It was extremely hard to miss too, as the highway was decorated with giant billboards bombarding travelers with typical advertisements that begged onlookers to visit the beautiful scenery that tragically had become a money grab.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Going about his normal workday proved to be an unsuspecting challenge for Jack. He tried to go about his normal workday, driving a rather dull maintenance golf cart up and down the complicated web of trails, responding mostly to repair calls. Typical work really, some clogged plumbing here and there, a few gutters that needed repair, the occasional vandalism that needed cleaning up on the signs and map markers. Basically outdoor janitor work, the term ‘Park Ranger’ was too romanticized. Today wasn’t a normal day though, the entire forest was silent without a single guest in sight. Not many visitors these past months considering the infamous vanishings that had plagued the reputation of the area. All that occupied these trails and campsites nowadays were forgotten hopes and dreams overcast by a dark and restless afternoon sky.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Occasionally Jack would pick up his walkie-talkie and call in for anything that needed to be done, but he was always met with the same reply on the other end, which was some middle aged woman telling him no. Everything that had fallen into disrepair had been repaired; everything that had been vandalized had been cleaned and refinished. Normally on days like this the Park Rangers would do something entertaining for both guest and worker alike, but there was no one to entertain. All Jack could do was just patiently wait around in the maintenance shed, or take the occasional spin on the cart, neither of which was very satisfying. Leaving Jack to be literally alone with his thoughts.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             There was only one subject that crossed Jack’s mind. One topic composed of hours of research and deep thinking. Not a day passed that he didn’t ponder it, so many questions yet so little answers. Four girls missing with very little evidence at the scene, swept away from their lives the moment they stepped foot out of their home. Each case had its quirks, suspicions, and its similarities. Eyewitness accounts were always questionable, shady at times. This small city was not prepared for this individual who had now been named the Westburn Stalker. The more he thought about it, the greater was his urge to search backwater creek. He could see it in his head as if it were meant to be, the picture of him walking up to an ominous creek bed with four bodies lying in plain sight. It was difficult considering everything his two friends Craig and Wesley had told him, yet whenever he tried to resist his thoughts they became more satisfying.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             It was now or never. If Jack’s theory was correct then he knew that his time would be running out. The sky was black, and it looked like a storm was brewing. Backwater creek would surely flood once the storm struck and the corpses will get washed away. Jack spoke into his radio “I’m heading to check somethin’ out”. No response on the other end, the woman probably didn’t care.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Navigation through the maze of trails was frustratingly difficult. Backwater creek wasn’t on any map, not to mention all that Jack had to go off of was just memory and old conversations with the coworkers. Making things worse, the weather was worsening. The sky had a darker aura to it than before, and the wind was picking up with it. Jack venturing took him deep into the protected forest, far off of the beaten path. Each turn seemed to lead him into darker sections of the forest, with densely overgrown trails. Trees and other plants formed thick walls on both sides of the trail that blocked what little light remained from penetrating into the road, forcing Jack to turn the headlights of the cart. As he continued the road became even more eroded and many sudden slopes and tight turns made steady driving impossible.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Doubts began to circulate through his mind…maybe he made a wrong turn. This was a bad idea, for a second he thought about turning around. But he talked himself into going just a little further, the end of the road be much further. Slowly he eased in the gas pedal, and crept through one last curve in the road. Visibility was next to nothing. It may have been the afternoon, but it still seemed dark as night, all that could be seen was just trees and the darkness waiting ahead. Suddenly something came into view, Jack screeched the cart to a halt.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             There it was, resting quietly in a small gap in the forest that twisted and turned with its very waters, Backwater Creek. Visibility was somewhat better here, the gap allowed the little light there was to enter, yet Jack still needed a flashlight. Slowly, he climbed out of the vehicle, pulling his Ranger water-proof jacket over himself for fear of rain. Not a sound was made, not even the chirping of crickets, just the faint noise of the creek and the overbearing noise of rustling branches from the wind.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             First he skimmed his light along the edges of the creek, just as he pictured he would hours beforehand. Unlike how he pictured it, there were no ominous dead bodies just lying out in the open ready to be swept up, just a collection of fallen branches and wild grasses. However, there was this extremely fowl smell that clung the air around him. When he first caught wind of it he almost gagged, having to put his hand over his mouth. Something dead was definitely nearby, and it had been dead for a while.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Reluctantly Jack followed the smell, having to raise his legs high to avoid branches and rocks. The last thing he wanted was to sprain or break something out in the middle of here. With each step he took the smell grew fouler, like something had been rotting here for ages. His eyes skimmed across the creek bed, his flashlight was just a simple light shining through darkness…there was something offsetting about the smell. It not only smelled of decay but of burning…as if there was a fresh fire here just minutes before his arrival…

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             He suddenly stopped. Jack swore he heard something moving about the brush behind. His light illuminated numerous spots as he frantically searched for the source, yet his efforts were unsuccessful. Hopefully it was just an animal…No matter how hard he tried Jack couldn’t shake off this feeling that he was being watched by a pair of eyes hidden by the darkness, just waiting for him to turn away…Every now and then he would hear a few more odd rustles that couldn’t be traced no matter how frantically he searched. An unnerved feeling established itself inside of him; all he could think of now was leaving.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             With caution Jack took a frantic step backwards, shining the light in front of him still searching for anything out of the ordinary. He froze in his step though as his boot hit something soft. It wasn’t dirt, or grass, and it certainly wasn’t a branch. Jack’s breathe faded out of his body. Quickly he shifted his entire body around and he shined his light over this mysterious object.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             In front of him laid a pale figure, and the source of the horrid smell. She rested in such an awkward and unnatural position, cold to the touch. Her face looked as if it were frozen in time, as if she were unaware of her fate, simply staring off into an abyss of pain and despair, mouth partially open as if there was a story that she could not recite. In her eyes there was no life, and there was no pain, only death. Jack could feel his heart pounding through his chest, trying to break out so that it would not have to witness such a sight. Chills crept down his spines yet his eyes eagerly looked over every detail of the girl demanding to know who she was. His eyes picked up a few of her details, a beauty mark near her left eye, a tattoo of a rose creeping up her left arm, and faded red hair. “Kasey Simmons…” Jack whispered softly recognizing the girl.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             The details of her murder were so little known. What is known is that she reported to friends and family a suspicion that she was being watched the day prior, and that she planned on staying home to make arrangements to stay with a friend out of town. But she would never get the chance to leave. Somewhere between 12 and 3 AM Kasey Simmons exited the front door of her home where she was viscously assaulted and kidnapped by a man who had been hiding under her porch waiting for her to leave the house. Now, a week later, she was here, lifeless. Anything she ever was of would have been was gone, and all that remained was just a rotting corpse.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             To Jack’s bitter luck though, this wouldn’t be the first body he found. Roughly five yards up stream he found yet another body, this one further decayed than the last with maggots consuming it to the point that only a few features could have been pointed out. She had dark brown hair and had a tattoo visible upon her neck. This had to be Kelley Greene, the third victim of the Westburn Stalker. It didn’t end there though he fished out two other corpses hidden in the brush around the area. Disturbingly enough, the other two had been there for so long that maggots and other animals visibly had done some work on the girls as there were no longer any distinguishing features, just horribly disfigured and decayed corpses.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Being right never felt more horrible. Jack felt sick to his stomach, ready to puke his guts out at any moment. There was one more thing though…He shined his light near the body of Kelley, and spotted a small clearing in the distance. Hesitantly, he trudged through the tall grass of the creek bed, as he moved through the burning smell became stronger. A small campsite was revealed. Surrounding it was empty cans of food carelessly tossed aside and a makeshift bed. In the center of the campsite, to Jack’s horror, was a freshly put out fire.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%">             Silence once again surrounded Jack, every hair on his body stood up. Without thinking twice on it Jack bailed as quickly as he could through the thick grass of the creek bed. His chest heaved in and out gasping for breath as it tried to keep up with his remarkable speed driven by utter terror. Who was in the camp? More importantly, how long had that fire been put out? All these thoughts raced through his mind as he threw himself into the maintenance cart, tossing the flashlight onto the ground and franticly digging through his pocket for the keys. Quickly he started the car and took off into the forest, leaving the disturbing scene at Backwater Creek behind him.

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<ac_metadata title="First Half of Backwater Creek"> </ac_metadata>