Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25169949-20140821193235/@comment-25170312-20140821230455

Tbok1992 wrote: I can sort of get why you think it's offensive, though you're not supposed to agree with the main character and those comments were supposed to make him look like a racist/ableist/misanthropic ass. But why do you think it's poorly written? I'll try and break it down as best I can:

''Apparently, these weird posters are appearing around the place, of these fucked up green monsters. They're even too chickenshit to run a picture of 'em''

This was the first thing that bothered me. How are there posters of green monsters if there's no picture of them? It's contradictory.

''Residents are pretty mum about it. They either don't care or change the subject real quickly, like they're scared of the po-po comin' for em. Nothing out of the ordinary.''

This part is confusing. Are they scared of the police specifically because of the posters? Or are they being mum about it in a way that is similar to being scared of the police?

''The street people were chatty about it, as per usual, going on and on about "elections" and "the mayor is coming to this city". It's not even an election year. But, then again, it's probably not a "meds" day for these creeps.''

There's no such thing as a "meds" day. If you are on medication then you take it every day. Plus, people on medication being on the streets makes no sense. I apologize if later in the story the meds day turns out to be part of the story, as I couldn't finish it.

''Well, I got all the commentary I can muster in two words: It stinks! Gehhhhhh.''

You've already been cursing, and then you say "It stinks!" like you're somebody's uncle.

''I'll just stay here, gawkin, write up some bullshit at the last minute. I mean, it's the big crummy ass end of the city, not like it's gonna go nowhere in the meantime.''

I can't really be specific on this part, it's just bad writing.

''There's more of them now, those fucking posters I mean. Obviously some sort of performance art crap. They even got some outta towners to stand around in front with clipboards.''

This is where the story starts to become unbearably annoying. The main character is just complaining about everything. You don't need so much cursing. Can't the main character think about anything without being a douchebag? '' I'll tell ya one thing, even as much as I hate this city, they don't make motherfuckers this ugly around here. They got big dumb lips, big glassy eyes, like a fish. Smell like a fish too.''

Again, more cursing. It's getting really old at this point. The word 'big' is getting used too much as well. There's plenty of synonyms for it, so there's no need to keep using it. The main character is seeming really ignorant at this point and it's grating on my nerves. Also, it's kind of obvious these are some kind of fish people, and the main character should really acknowledge it in some way.

''Not that they're much worse than the illegals, trashy; sweaty motherfuckers in the goodwill clothes. I didn't graduate from Ivy League, to write charity case stories, god I hate them so much.''

Now it's just getting ridiculous. There is no way the main character graduated from an ivy league school. He is too ignorant and lacking in intelligence. Plus, his constant offensive ramblings are making it really hard to stand reading at this point. The grammar and puncuation is also suffering.

''But they at least know to stay away from 'em. The street people huddle around them like they're the second coming of saint mary fuckin haleighlujah, like a chorus with them about "elections" and "mayor of the final" and I don't give a damn.''

The first sentence uses 'they' twice, but it isn't established which one refers to which group. I had to think for a minute to figure out that the first 'they' was the illegals, and the second 'they' was the fish people. Then in the second sentence, I have to assume that the first 'them' refers to the fish people, but it isn't clear unless you stop to figure it out. In fact, that entire sentence doesn't make much sense. The grammar and puncuation make it a chore to decipher. '' When I asked them about that "election" they say "coming soon", and somethin about "primaries". God damn will I be glad when these idiots leave. I'm a local reporter, not some goddamn performance art critic!''

At this point, ambiguity is working against the story. The beligerent thoughts of the main character are getting more and more annoying as well. And there is no reason why the existence of the posters and pollsters would make the main character say he's "not some goddamn performance art critic". It just doesn't make sense.

''Hopefully they'll be gone when the monsoon's over. They're always out when the rains are down, standing beside those posters while nobody else's there. God I hope they leave soon.''

Has there been a monsoon this whole time? Or did it just start? The sudden mention of a monsoon just makes no sense. "They're always out when the rains are down" is confusing as well. It's always raining during a monsoon, isn't it? Does this refer to any time it rains, not just during the monsoon? This part is unclear, and what seems like unintended ambiguity is getting exhausting.

''A new building popped up today. In the middle of the slums, used to be some condemned ruin there. The thing that's there now is a big green fucker, no windows, no bricks, just one big united slab of rock with a door. It hurts to look at it. It twitches around in my sight, something about the proportions, parts of it look like they disappear. Sad thing is, this is on par with the shit I've seen for the last few days.''

So a building appears out of nowhere and there's no mention of the police getting involved, seeing as how it's suspicous, impossible, and would stand out like a sore thumb. Isn't the main character supposed to be a cop? Why doesn't he do anything about it? You mention a 'beat', which says 'cop' to me, but I'm only assuming at this point (I'll get to that later). "...parts of it look like they disappear" just doesn't make sense. I can almost see what you were going for, but it's not written well. '' The rains haven't let up for a single day. People've been hiding in their houses, though those damn clipboarders. I tried interviewing them. They don't like me very much. Can't blame 'em.''

Is there still a monsoon going on? Because it wouldn't have stopped raining for multiple days or longer. Monsoons don't last one day, and the previous day it was also raining, so why just 'a single day'? When you say "I tried interviewing them", it's not clear if you're talking about the residents or the clipboarders. Only until the next paragraph, where I assume it's not talking about the family members of fish people, did I know who you interviewed. And at this point, I was still assuming he's a cop.  When they do talk they're yammering about missing family members, talking about a missing wife here, some kids not coming back from school, phone calls and warnings, tears and sob stories all around.

This is the paragraph I was referring too, just for clarification.

''You stop giving a crap after a while on this beat, but damned if they didn't wear me down. A few of 'em looked out their windows and screamed at the “pollsters”. One of the yellers was the guy I saw before. His wife wasn't in the house, he said she'd been “taken”.''

Why are the people wearing him down? Because they have missing family members? "Beat" still makes it seem like he's a cop, so this seems weird.

''Probably has something to do with those sacks they're carryin', wriggling around. They don't seem to pay the expletives any mind. They just look up, nod, and write down something on those clipboards. I have no idea how they didn't collapse into a pile of mush in the rain.''

Wait... so they have wriggling sacks? Do something about it! Anyone that knew people were missing then obviously it needs to be investigated. And why would anyone collapse into mush in the rain? Is that just a metaphor? If so, it's not a good one.

''No, I didn't stop them. You wouldn't blame me if you saw them. Fuckers're are big, basketball player big; if not bigger. I don't think some twiggy reporter could do anything about 'em even if I wanted. Everyone else seems to be doin' the same.''

Now it's confirmed he's a reporter. But still, why he is the only one who can do anything about gigantic fish people loitering with wriggling sacks, and possibly living in a building that came out of nowhere and is definitely not up to code? '' And before you talk about calling the cops, cops don't come here. Never came down here since I was a kid, so they ain't gonna come here now.''

Bullshit. There's no place where cops NEVER come. Especially when there's multiple missing persons. This is just a lame excuse that tries to justify how ridiculous the story is. Unless this is some kind of otherworldly place or different time or dimension, it's just not believable. And again, the main character is supposed to be an ivy league graduate, but is using the word 'ain't'? In fact, all the slang just makes no sense.

''Now, I know I said I didn't finish it, but after writing this I felt I should continue until the end. From here the story gets better, but there's still problems.''

I can't find my way around here anymore. I thought I knew these streets like the back of my hand, but they just keep moving around, I can't leave, I can't even think straight. There's more of those buildings, those great green buildings; now where some of the apartments were. Some of 'em have half taken over, like tumors, eating the apartments alive.

This is the first paragraph I actually liked and thought was well written, despite the run-on sentence. I saw them building these rickety wooden platforms, size of buildings with speakers the size of people.

''Saying the platforms are the size of buildings doesn't really make sense. Are they as wide as a building? Because buildings are all different sizes. I could understand if you meant the height of a building, but again it's subjective. Since platforms typcially have nothing below them except supports, it's hard to visualize how a platform would be the size of a building. And if they are rickety, how do they support huge speakers?''

They were opening them, vomiting this horrible green slime inside. And god dammit, I saw people in those bags. I could see the limbs pushing out, people trying to crawl their way out, but another pollster shoved them back in with some pitchfork thing. It cut some of 'em right open.

''It should already be obvious to the main character, as it is to the reader, that the bags had people in them. And 'some pitchfork thing' is obviously a pitchfork. I mean, come on.'' ''But they weren't bleeding. Their skins were mashing and rolling together. The thing with the pitchfork was screaming “DO THE CIVICS DUTY FOR THE MAYORAL! BE THE PATRIOT OF THAT CITY!”. Some of the people were bleeding out. ''

"Their skins were mashing and rolling together" makes no sense. I think I know what you're getting at by reading further, but at this point it needs a more accurate description. And if they weren't bleeding, why were some of the people bleeding out? It's contradictory.

''This city is gone. Those green buildings are eating up every single fucking block of this place, big fucking patches of posters plastered all over this shithole. I keep seeing seaweed and fish dropping from the sky in this endless salty rain. One time I saw a ship fall from the sky, old wooden thing from god knows when, shattered on the ground. I'd say I'd been going screamingly insane if it weren't all so fucking real.''

The main character still sounds like he's just complaining. "I'd say I'd been going screamingly insane if it weren't all so fucking real." This is one of the worst lines in the whole story. The main character's reactions to things are just unbelievable. Calling the place a 'shithole' when obviously it's transforming into some grotesque version of an undersea civilization. Doesn't he think that's worth contemplating instead of bitching about?

''Things that used to be people are now on those platforms, those slippery pollster things standing next to 'em screaming and screaming god knows what. Sometimes they stop, to write down something on their shitty little clipboards, then they go back to screaming.''

This part I actually liked, because it makes it seems like the fish people are overbearing construction managers.

 One of the faces on the thing up there in the mass looked like his wife.

Here is an example of something that happens a lot in this pasta. Something is mentioned as if it has already been introduced, but it hasn't. What is "the mass" supposed to be at this point? We don't know, and it's not helping the story.

The rest of the story gets better. It made me wonder if the main character was schizophrenic or something. But the conclusion isn't worth the pain of trying to get through such a mess. I'm assuming the 'mayor' is either Leviathan, Cthulu, The Kraken, or something of the like. The ending is actually good, compared to the rest of it. If you did a major overhaul you could actually make this pasta work. I think the whole 'election' thing is an interesting sociopolitical commentary, but you need to make the main character seem at least slightly intelligent and not just a complete dick. I hope some of this helps, because I spent a lot of time on it.