Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24985759-20140526072712/@comment-9967354-20140526083346

What ruined the story for me, quite honestly, was the bit in the middle where you ended all your parahs with BOLD ANGRY CAPS. Maybe get rid of that, because it's just making your character sound immature, and isn't adding to the expression at all. I didn't really want to read it through and through for the same reason, but something I can tell is that your character is a weak one, with no life outside of the one the writer, you, have created for him. Maybe you could give us more of an introduction, or pass some hints about him.

The story itself should be more subtle, if you know what I mean. You should really try to build up to it, starting small at first and then, like the damned butterfly who's been causing all the storms we're having lately, make the big drop. Try writing a bit more, add some (not many, mind,) unnecessary details so the story has a realistic feel to it. One example I can give is our last pasta of the month. Notice the fact that the writer engages the reader before even getting to the story? Notice how he says 'I remember 304 because it spelled hoe upside down'. It's these little things that can build your expression, and as a whole, your story.

Try reading a lot more, and by that I don't mean the daily newspaper. Read stories, articles, a book-a-week, etc, so you can pick things up. That's all the advice I can think of.