Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27119260-20151027075730/@comment-24101790-20151027183517

So here's the criticism:

Punctuation: apostrophes missing from possessive words. "I passed Dave's room, Lucy's room and my little sister(')s.", "my parents room", "my parents keyhole", etc. Apostrophes are not needed in plural words. "my parent's having...fun." Punctuation missing before dialogue: "...around my brain told me “No. Kill them, Kill (kill) them all.”" Punctuation used improperly in dialogue: ""A lot of that was true though." Mom announced."

Capitalization: Improperly capitalized words "Then came my Parent's (parent's) room", "room, It (it) was locked shut", "I ripped all my Anime posters furiously."

Formatting: As cleric pointed out dialogue needs to be spaced out. Additionally a typical story utilizes paragraphs with sentences ranging from 5-10. Any more and it's blocky and difficult to read. Any less and you're depriving the audience of description.

Wording: run-on sentences: "My family were quite anxious to get inside but we did, I didn't stay long though, I went to a party just outside of town and I deeply regret not taking a ride with my friend back here, it wasn't raining then so that can be a reasonable excuse." "The night grew older (colder) as" Awkward phrasing: "barely has effort in tests.", "they are still my parents and should abide and just put up with what they said and forget about it.", "I went into my room and became insane." etc.

Grammar: your=possession, you're=you are ""Zack! Your home, yay!"" it's=it is, its=possessive: "it’s thoughts"

Story issues: your story falls into a lot of overused tropes about OC/CPC stories. Protagonist is abused (either by parents or bullies), snaps, mutilates themselves (or is mutilated) and murders said parents or bullies. There is also the pointless quote/phrase at the end. "I am...Sinister Zack!" Why would he say this? Additionally your OC just goes insane for little to no reason. (Side note: please research bi-polar disorder. It does not constitute hearing voices or becoming violent at the drop of a hat.)

Story issues cont.: pointlessly ominous lines. "Panting, I investigated, maybe curiosity would be the death of me.", The tall gargoyle that was perched on each point of the house towered over me giving me a glare that could only mean death...in my imagination., etc. Likes like this: "Yes, a clean kill. A beautiful clean kill. Wait, no, what am I saying?" are nonsensical due to the story being told in past perspective.

All in all, it's my honest opinion that this story needs to be scrapped. It's incredibly generic, riddled with issues, and is a carbon-copy of all the OC/CPC stories we've seen (and deleted) in the past.