Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25758740-20141124171220/@comment-25701413-20141124191856

It looks like it needs a bit of work.

The first (and second) problem is the 'diary' format. You've written this a lot like a blog rather than a diary, as it's very informal (and, quite frankly, reads like something a 15-year-old would write, rather than what someone living independantly would) and not what a person would write for their mother's inspection (I assume that's why you mentioned that at the beginning, to avoid the problem of a diary that nobody would read). You wouldn't introduce yourself to your diary, but you would if it were a blog designed for readers who don't know you. Additionally, you've fallen into the cliche of "idiot writing diary while being hunted by a monster." If spooky shenanigans were taking place you wouldn't be scribbling in your diary, you'd be getting away from them. It's especially cliche with the half-finished sentances.

Another problem, and probably the biggest outside of the way the story is set, is that the monster isn't scary. We're told nothing about it, or what it does. It's just a chest of drawers that opens and apparently makes things messy. There's not enough description of what it's done, so it never feels threatening. The audience is thinking "Oh, it made some stuff messy and said it would eat her. Cool." Even if you want to make it so that it isn't a monster at all, we need to be made to fear it or there's no sense of danger and thus no investment in the fate of the protagonist or the story in general. We won't identify with, and thus won't care about, a character who overreacts to what's going on.

Additionally, the ending is very cliche. Mental illness AND schizophrenia? Schizophrenia IS a mental illness, and a rather tired explanation for all manner of creepy coincidences. As for the "never found the body, must have been a suicide," you realise that (in addition to being hugely cliche) it makes no sense, right? If they never found the body, or any eveidence of harm being done to her, the girl would be listed as missing.

If you're set on the diary format, perhaps something that shows our protagonists thoughts in a more subtle way would help. Keeping a diary before pretending to write a false one would also be a great boon, as it would give you some idea of what people would actually put in one. Additionally, some more description in the writing and a change to the pacing are needed, as the story is nothing but exposition and drawers being 'scary'. Setting the scence and mood doesn't mean giving us a character's life story.

You're obviously enthusiastic about this, so don't take this as me telling you to give up. Reading some guides on writing short, scary stories will help a lot, and there are quite a few online. And, of course, reading more in general should help with your sense of pacing and structure.

Some pages on the wiki that are relevant:

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Writing_Advice/Maybe_Don%27t_Do_These_Things#The_Exposition_Diaries_.28Only_on_the_CW.29  (concerning diaries)

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:How_to_Write_Creepypasta (the paragraph on deaths as an element)

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Writing_Advice