Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26423665-20150604190112/@comment-17118109-20150622211414

The first thing I noticed was that it's a giant wall of text, which made it very difficult to read.

I'd say drop the last sentence. The present tense kind of ending is a little cliché, but leaving it with just the second to last sentence actually makes it tolerable and creates a little bit of fear.

In my opinion, the description of the being is too specific and unnecessary for such a broad fear. If it's a fear based in imagination, with most people having never seen the being, you'd think the descriptions would vary more than whether he has glowing eyes or not.

Until the ending, I thought this might be the first "bedtime fears" story I'd read where you couldn't tell if the monster was real or not, so you might want to change the ending completely, but that's just a suggestion.

If it's supposed to be like the reader already know what he looks like deep down for whatever reason and you (the reader) just have one small inaccuracy in your mental image of him, then the current ending with just the last sentence cut off is great. It just needs to be more clear in the story itself that you already know what he looks like, if that's correct.

I'll be back with a grammar review after I take time to inspect every little sentence.