Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24859608-20140508204501/@comment-24077689-20140509172055

As you know, I do these reviews as I read, and so far with the exception of a couple of very minor grammatical errors this is a massive improvement from you last story.

First thing that bothers me about this story is the name of this test. “Reality check” seems confusing to me, why is it called reality check if it’s meant to make imaginary things real? Also, really? At the age of 14 you made a test that apparently causes people to die? That is majorly unbelievable.

There’s some awkward phrasing, like the last sentence of the first paragraph: “This is because there are three outcomes two harmless, but the third outcome that I dare not say, as it will keep you from doing the reality check. As long as you listen to every letter I type, then you will be fine.”

Check your grammar here. But this sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense. You already mentioned that doing this reality check can potentially cause you to fucking die. This seems like a really unimportant thing to say, it leaves nothing to the imagination. You’re laying out all your cards right here, you’re not bluffing, you’re not feinting. Why do I want to read this? The pseudo-mystery that you set up is juvenile at best. It’s not quaint, it’s not clever.

Again, a 14 year old made this? Really? You know what works about Psychosis? It is principally based on psychology and tests, and while the basis of the story happens when the characters are young the actual events and tests don’t occur until they’re adults. It’s believable. Creepypasta has to be grounded at least somewhat in reality, especially when you’re dealing with a subject like the cerebrum. You know what works about Clive Barker’s short story Dread? It’s grounded in reality. Even all of Stephen King’s works, as fantastical as they get, they’re all grounded very heavily in a certain degree of realism.

You got to read this aloud before you publish, there are small errors here and there like “other factors where involved”, and “think about if the time of day”. Sentences that don’t make sense, just read it out loud and try to catch them as you read. And seriously, watch your grammar and spelling, brah.

When you’re writing instructions, keep it professional. Don’t write like this: “keep doing this till you picture…”, keep it professional. You’re writing instructions for a test.

Saying that no one is comfortable in the dark is a bit of a stretch.

Watch your grammar. You need hyphens, semicolons, and you’re misusing the proper forms of you.

Structurally, this story is relatively sound. As I mentioned, spelling and grammar need to be watched.

However, the base premise of this story is highly flawed. First of all, a 14 year old made this? Second of all, how does this happen, you briefly mention quantum mechanics, which I’m not entirely convinced you know the meaning of. You mention this fear “trying to attack you”. It’s confusing; it’s a pretty formulaic ritual pasta that leaves so much to be desired. Your assumption is that people are afraid of a thing or a person; you apparently make no consideration of if they fear a place or a time. Again, this story is miles ahead of your last one, but the entire premise is flawed. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not particularly creepy. It’s totally unbelievable, the reader doesn’t experience immersion. This is the main problem I have with ritual pasta, they’re incredibly formulaic, they aren’t immersive. You didn’t succeed in what you set out to do with this story.

I’d suggest, if you want to revisit this idea, do more research in human psychology, particularly the psychology of fear. It’s a big subject; you’ll be able to find a lot of information about it. Go read my blog posts, particularly the most recent one on writing exercises and the one about researching your subject beforehand.