Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26399604-20151203055419/@comment-4715955-20151208093222

The first issue I noticed immediately: unwieldy descriptions. I can see what you're trying to do, but you need a bit more practice wielding description and metaphor. The reading experience is like a road that needs to be well-paved: too bumpy a ride, and the reader will take the nearest exit. And I think I have just the solution.

Pick up some crime novels by Raymond Chandler (I recommend The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely) and get a good feel of the harboiled narration and dialogue. They're always consise yet colorful, and can make even the dullest subjects burst with life. When you read enough of it, you can do metaphor/description writing exercises just to get the hang of being playful with your narrative. Hardboiled writing is tailor-made for cops and soldiers.

"I was busier than a flea on a fat lady."

"Hollywood was the kinda place where they'd stick a knife in your back, then have you arrested for carrying a concealed weapon."

"I pulled up to the house. It wasn't quite as big as Buckingham Palace."

"She gave him a look that could gut a fish."

Other times, all you really need is just to be more consise. Take this line:

Even so, his eyes continued to stare deeply into the warm blend of pinkish orange tones that made the late afternoon sky.

You could've just said, He stared into the orange evening sky

Or used war-appropriate simile/metaphor. The sky was streaked in the colors of blood and napalm.