Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32318193-20170726174512/@comment-32461413-20170727010516

JusticeDemocrat666 wrote: AViciousRainbow wrote: I quite enjoyed this. I think you have great story here.

Just a couple of notes:

I think your use of "stories" and "story" in the first paragraph is a tad bit repetitive.

I think there should be a better reason for Annie to tell her family about the antelope. The reason that she was a rebellious teenager seems a bit too far fetched. There should be something that just cracks her to spill out everything.

I know that the mother probably didn't get the entire story about her sister and the antelope, but I feel a little bit of information about what Annie and the antelope did together should be provided. What were things they talked about? Did they play with eachother? Etc. That will help build the story a little bit better to fully understand their relationship and why it was such a betrayal that Annie told her family about it. Perhaps, you could mention how Annie and the antelope's relationship got a bit rocky and as a "screw you" to the antelope, she told her family about it. Just an idea.

Otherwise, I think you've got a pretty good story here. Nicely done. I think that is one mean mother. Thanks for the feedback. I narrowed down the use of the word "story" and "stories" down to one time each in the first paragraph. I gave some more detail about Annie and the antelope's relationship. I kept in the rebellious teenager thing, but I think I made it more realistic. I seperated the dialogue. What do you think now?

Much better. Rereading, I noticed a punctuation mistake however.

When the dialouge runs more than the first paragraph, you use the open quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph but don't close it until it ends. You do that which is awesome (many people miss that, so I wanted to point that out). However, when you have a quote within a quote, you hit the apostrophe key instead of the quotation key.

Otherwise, I think you have a pretty good story.