Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150513020103/@comment-26007602-20150513033150

Alright, this is pretty long, so I'll make notes here as I read through.

First off, I remember reviewing the first part of this story awhile ago, and I just wanted to start off by saying that this version is much cleaner and easier to understand. So that's a good start.

The first few paragraphs are littered with sentence fragments:

"Upon a dreary evening, while the tide rushed in and out along the barren beach." This could easily be combined with the next sentence like so, "Upon a dreary evening, while the tide rushed in and out along the barren beach, a young woman walked baring a forlorn stare, feeling the cold, fine sand brush against her feet."

"Entranced by the water's reflection, she slowly moved forward. Descending into the murky bay, releasing herself from the world as the tide settled...." You only need three periods in the ellipses (...). Also, these should be combined as so, "Entranced by the water's reflection, she slowly moved forward, descending into the murky bay, releasing herself from the world as the tide settled..."

"Within the month of April, four hours before the sun's peak in the sky." Combine this with the sentence after it.

I'm fairly sure these are just simple errors on your part, but you should still proofread the story just to make sure. Two more things: first, this paragraph changes to present tense. But then the story changes back to past tense. The majority of the story seems to be in past tense, so you'll need to fix this one and the others in present tense. I'll try and list them here as I go: "Within the month of April...", "He leans in...", "After the car parked...",

I feel a lot of these could be combined into single paragraphs, instead of two sentence paragraphs. Here are some examples:

"Upon a dreary evening, while the tide rushed in and out along the barren beach. A young woman walked baring a forlorn stare, feeling the cold, fine sand brush against her feet. She finally halted at the water's edge. Entranced by the water's reflection, she slowly moved forward. Descending into the murky bay, releasing herself from the world as the tide settled..."

"Hearing a commotion from the far western end of the beach, he taped his heel against the ground forcefully. “I’m sick of that therapy,” he muttered. “Its n-n-n-” he released his hands and hit the sides of his head with them. “It’s not helping,” he exclaimed. He stopped, lowered his hands and took deep breaths. At that time, a deep blue colored car drove up into the parking lot behind him. Alexander heard shoes hit the concrete walk, and looked over with a stoic gaze, “Mom, why are you here?”

I'm sure you can figure the rest out.

Quick note, some of your dialogues lack question marks: "“You honestly feel that way, then I’ll call the therapist and cancel the sessions, okay(?)"

"He lowered his head, "What would you do in my place(?)"

As for Alexander, I think you need to make his stutter more prominent. His stutter seems to be improving fine from these lines of dialogue. If that's not the intention, then I'd make him stutter a bit more in his lines.

"Owned by the Viser family matriarch Igia Viser, it can overshadow any tourist at an estimated 11.277 meters." Should be: "...could overshadow..." to keep past tense.

"While walking he imagined the first person he'd see at the school is Olemilia." This sentence is a bit clunky. I'd change merge it with the second sentence: "While walking to school, he thought of Olemilia and her bright red hair and fair, delicate skin." Of course, if Alexander isn't romantically involved, it may be a bit creepy for him to fantasize about her.

I said it before, and I'll say it again. I think Olemilia should have a different name. It just seems so out of place with names like, Alexander, Jack, and Arnold. But that's your choice as the author; I won't argue it any further.

"Later that day, after school lets out..." Should be "school let out".

"Alexander made out a messy brown haired teen in faded clothing, come up to his side of the car..." Should be "coming up to his side of the car..."

"Alexander sat (absently looking) out the window..."

"Showing concern Olemilia asked, "I could help, but isn't it expensive to get there?"

"So what will your project be for Mr. Langley(?)" she asked.

"which makes it an ideal history project," he contested. Which should be capitalized.

"He picked up on Alexander’s degrading tone, “Well, it makes sense for you to pick it, then,” remarking that Alexander is stuck-up." The second part of this sentence seems far too forced, I'd remove the "remarking that..." entirely.

Alright, this next scene needs to be italicized or something, as the transition is a bit confusing and sudden. I'll add my suggested edits in.

"Alexander had been in a small, dark place with little light coming through the slits. He had struck the wall in front (of him) and begged for freedom, but (remove "had") stuttered too much to be understood. Finally, (change "his" to "the") way out was opened and he fell from the locker.

Alexander laid there and looked up haunted at the students laughing. Arnold had a sardonic smirk as he and the others mocked him (remove comma) for having his pants around his ankles. Coming away from the crowd, Eathan’s heterochromatic eyes had widened, seeing Alexander lay(ing) there. Glowering at the students, he had gone over to help him up and the two (ran) away."

"the Ch.4" Channel doesn't need to be abbreviated.

"Tragic news in Alki this evening a report just in, a body has been found within Elliot Bay this morning. The body retrieved from the water was identified to be the bank manager who disappeared a month ago. Sources tell us she had been caught by the seaweed and strangled herself."

Okay, first off, I don't believe for a second that this woman was strangled by seaweed. Pick another rope-like object. Second, why would the police consider this a suicide or homicide if it's clear (Obviously, she was murdered, but the characters don't know that) she died from the seaweed? Shouldn't it be accidental? I also think you should name this woman instead of calling her, "the bank manager".

"Alexander jumps from his seat; his heart beats fast, resembling wing beats of a trapped bird" This needs to be in past tense.

"His eyes soon softened, seeing an overgrown tree branch tapping his window. "Huh, just a tree," he said, lowering his weapon and catching his breath..." You don't need to narrate the character's thoughts and have him say them out loud.

"On a rainy Wednesday afternoon..." I think there should be a ... transition signifying the passing of time between this paragraph and the prior one in which he prepares the email.

"While he waited, he noticed how immaculate the Dutch garden (was) even after the storms this month"

"Before long the door opened to Igia Viser a woman of fair complexion with a piece of her long raven black hair hanging over her left shoulder."

I've noticed a great deal of your sentences start with, "Coming off of...", "Seeing so and so...", or "Glowering with contempt..." Do you see the repetition? I'd vary them up a bit more.

As for the plot, I still think it's a bit slow and tensionless (I believe that leak has some significance, not sure what yet). The tree branch is a bit of a cop out, as you're creating fake tension that probably doesn't relate to the plot. The news report is nice, I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be threatened by. Sure, there's a killer/monster on the loose, but our character doesn't seem to care, and neither do I. He's not threatened yet. Some readers will be put off by the lack of scare factor in the first section and won't read the subsequent sections.

That said, the characters are interesting, even if they are a bit stereotypical. The first part sets a very nice tone and setting, but doesn't do much with them. I think there needs to be more than Alexander starting to go to a lighthouse. I can't say much more because nothing much happened here besides back story.

Alright, so that was a fairly long review of the first part. I'll review the next few parts a bit later, as I spent a little over an hour on this already. Is the grammar helpful? Because if you're interested in the story plot-wise, I'll gladly skip over the grammatical errors and give you a much quicker review. But if the grammar is useful, I have no problem going over each bit; it'll just take a while longer to get through.