Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28501738-20160519231628/@comment-25569708-20160520013626

Hi TractorBud! I used to be a huge TF2 trader (I still have some earbuds and a Max Head in my inventory), so this story interested me. First I'll point out the errors here:

"Like any phisher, though," should be "Like any phisher, though,"

The random "directly into the camera." should be deleted.

The first "google translate" should be capitalized.

"set the language to "detect language"" should be "set the language to "detect language.""

"Spongiform" should not be capitalized.

"anything else about "gio fick spongi"," should be "anything else about "gio fick spongi,""

Now I'll point out some other various things I feel should be changed:

"as people trying to find my specific hats were few and far between. That didn't stop me from finding people who wanted them.". This jump between sentences from "people didn't want my hats" to "I found people who wanted my hats" feels very odd.

"randomly and link you to a link immediately". Using "link" twice is redundant.

"5 pages" should be "five pages". If a number is low, it is usually spelled out as a word.

"different language than english". "english" should be capitalized.

Okay, now let's talk about the pasta itself. To be honest, it's just... weird. The story just kind of feels bare-bones and not even like that of a creepypasta. The narrator finds this weird phishing account on Steam, blocks, then unblocks him, and then makes this odd observation about the account that probably isn't even true. It is quite a jump to say that the man in the photo is named "Gio", and that he has brain damage just because of an oddly-translated phrase containing an obscure term for brain damage. And even if the man is indeed "Gio" and has brain damage... so what? I'm sorry, but this just doesn't feel like a scary story at all. And the "Thank you, and have a good day. Sincerely, TractorBud." at the end just takes me out of it completely. I'd like to finally note that I indeed did find gio fick spongi on Steam. There just doesn't seem to anything remotely unnerving abut the account at all, even with this supposed backstory. Sorry.

I hope that my feedback was useful to you and that I didn't seem too harsh. Good luck with your future writing! =)