Talk:The Canaries/@comment-24040907-20140919060631/@comment-24040907-20140920061749

I'd be glad to give you a "dialogue makeover"! Essentially, we want our dialogue to be as natural and free-flowing as possible. You've already got the last part down just fine, so I'll focus more on slang terms and cultural influences in dialogue.

The way we speak to eachother depends upon our relationships. When you and I speak, we are polite, explanatory, and slightly formal. My brother and I speak quite the opposite: I can look at him and say "Yo" and he knows to get me a juice-box. Depending on the closeness or the mood/tension between characters, dialogue changes accordingly.

Dialogue also changes (obviously) with different races and cultures. It's important to subtly imply cultural difference in speech pattern without coming off as a racist. It's a fine line we walk. Here's an example of an American Male asking an English Female on a date:

AM: So, do you...maybe wanna see a movie with me...sometime?

EF: Eh, yea, sounds good. What time you wanna meet in the cinema?

AM: Uhm...I'll see ya at the theater at around twelve.

EF: What film you wanna see?

AM: How 'bout Skyfall?

EF: Sure, see ya there!

Sense the underlying nervousness in the awkward male's request? Notice the way the Englishwoman blatantly uses alternate terms for Movie and Theater. The slang terms are mainly shortenings of existing words (want to = wanna, going to = gonna) which flow through the mind of the reader at a faster, more efficient pace.

Speaking of slang terms, I'd love to update you on all of the words the kids are saying these days, but I'd find it difficult. I try to actively reject their ridiculous terms (Yolo = you only live once, Swag = style) in favor of a more classical vocabulary.

One could write the most balanced, culturally realistic dialogue ever and it would still be nothing without a little action to spruce it up. Character's expressions should continually change, and we should be informed when they do. Sarcasm and coy remarks shouldn't be flat out stated, but rather implied through tone. Here's an example of a detective talking to a familiar librarian.

"Hey, Suzie, think ya can help me out?" he asked, taking his fedora off and holding it over his waist.

"Oh Blake, is that you?" sounded that familiar sqeal in reply, "I can't believe it's you!" Suzie said, practically tripping over herself, running out to meet him.

Blake held out his hand, and was instead enveloped in a hug,

"Oh, I've just missed you so much," she said over his shoulder, eyes closed as memories flooded back to her at the sight of her old friend.

"Uh, I missed you too, hun. Think you can help me find something?" He asked, arms extended out on either side of her, not knowing how to respond.

"Anything for you darling, come with me, I'll getcha what you need," Suzie said, taking him by the wrist and practically dragging him to the selection of shelves.

"And what are we looking for today, Mr. Jameson?" Suzie asked, acting as professional as she could for Blake.

"It's an obituary, on the death of one Philipe Rodriguez, should be recent," Blake replied, focused on the shelves.

"Oh, Blake, not another case. You promised you'd stay out of that stuff."

"I need the article, Suzie, it's...it's important this time," he replied, staring at his shoes.

"No, Blake, I won't let you go through with this, not after what happened to you last time. You nearly lost your life. I nearly lost-," Suzie stopped, chocking on her words.

Blake glared up at her. Seizing her by the shoulders, he turned to her saying, "Listen. Look at me. It's too late for me to turn back now. I've got...I've got people counting on me. Suzie, this isn't like last time, this is real. I'm not gonna let it end like it did before. This...this is my second chance, Suzie."

She looked into his eyes for a while, studying the devoted, almost psychotic sparkle in them. Her frown faded, and she breathed a heavy sigh, "Alright, Blake, I'll help you...one more time."

And fin! That's how I write a dialogue, anyway. I hope that you'll find some of this to be useful, I tried my best to compile as many elements as I could into one example.