Talk:The Daughters of Death/@comment-24101790-20160309182529

Gotta say, while this passes standards, it still needs a lot of work.

First and foremost, you really need to cut back on ellipses. You use them 30+ times in a story that's about two pages long and almost 100 sentences. It tends to make the story melodramatic when almost a third of the sentences have ellipses in them. You can substitute a majority of them with commas and periods and have the same effect.

A lot of the wording here also needs work. "My eyes blurred, losing focus of her majestic majesty.", "Nonetheless, I traversed this path and then I encountered a shadow of darkness.", etc. are pretty redundant. You also have a tendency to use overly-flowery language that really stumbles in places. "Heh, a squirrel had saved me from this clutter of melancholy", "The tears and sorrow of others from my wretched past came to be.", "The aftermath, the emotions of misery, wrath, and vengeance rained upon my naive mind.", etc.

Being in past tense really conflicts a number of times with the mental dialogue of the protagonist. "Pernicious wrath..... Unforgivable heathens! With my teeth gritted, I conjured.... A horde of craven demons?!" Compound that with the fact that the protagonist is seemingly killed at the end of the story and you have some plot issues. You also tend to gloss over events that really should be used to build-up description and the scene. As it stands, this story needs a lot of work before I would really think of recommend it to someone.