Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27186445-20151110073827/@comment-27186445-20151113180756

EmpyrealInvective wrote: I would look over this guide as there really seemed to be a disconnect between this being an epistolary story or a regular narrative. The protagonist is writing this info after the fact, so are lines like this: ""Just takin' a piss" he said. I could hear the sound of him urinating" integral to the plot in any way?

Format: I would advise cutting/splitting a number of those paragraphs as a typical paragraph is five-ten sentences long. Any more and it comes off looking blocky.

Capitalization: "(which was kind of weird because we usually talk every day.)" If a complete sentence is in a parenthetical, it needs proper punctuation and capitalization. "“HEY, JIM! YOU THERE?” no (No) answer."

Punctuation: commas missing where a pause in sentence flow is implied. "mind you the woods near our neighborhood is very large" Punctuation missing from dialogue: ""Just takin' a piss" he said."

Wording issues: " It sounded like a woman's scream, but it had an ominous undertone as if the woman's scream" Redundancy "I fell down the hole in the bathtub and hit my head hard on the rock wall on the side of the hole (not needed) and crashed onto dirt and rocks." Should be broken into two sentences.

Story issues: besides the big issue with the epistolary format and the narrate, there are issues with the characters as well. Why are they taking pictures inside the house if they're investigating a foul smell/scream? "I nodded my head and pulled the camera up to ready position." It comes off as odd. The news report at the end also feels out of place. It just comes out of nowhere in the middle of the log entries and then cuts to a different diary. I'm sorry, but the only way I can really see this working would be if you completely re-wrote it to be either a narrative or a series of diary entries.

Thank you I will take your advice.