User blog:Dorkpool/Fun With Spam!

So I recently got some spam on my website (dorkpoolriffs.weebly.com ). This isn’t new exactly; I’ve gotten spam on the site before, along with some bizarre trolling at one point. Seriously, I need to regale you all with the saga of Faceless Ass and Benny Killer.

Anyway, let me set a scene. I went to sleep around 4 am, for reasons. When I wake up, I’m still half asleep, because I’ve never woken up and thought, “Well gosh golly gee, I’m super well rested and ready to take on the day! Get me some orange juice and balanced breakfast, because I want to do something wholesome today!”

So, I wake up and decide to check my phone. It’s sort of a habit I have. Wake up, check my phone, see who was bugging me during the night. I see I got an email from Weebly saying something about a contact form. Curious, I looked at the email. Here’s how it started:

proceeding having the character as to Salome

''KATHLEEN KORES, a great k Leil Dl, your girlfriend pumpkin distinct curly hair going within a raging red velour shirt, changed in the floor of most your sweetheart recording studio in Glastonbury the way a snake strategies in the grass, effortlessly as well as silently. after, on a moment move around, she or he curved a knee also threw a stylish to make sure you the whites much like tool.''

Keep in mind that I’m half asleep as I read this. My first thought upon reading it was, “Holy shit, am I high?” My second thought was, “Holy shit, am I having a stroke?” Then I realized it was just some spam, probably Google translated by someone who really doesn't care.

It’s also really weird. Like, let’s look at that first part.

The first sentence appears to be cut off, almost like someone copied and pasted the second half of something and sent it. Also, what the fuck is Salome? Did they mean shalom? Is the writer of the email a Jew who can’t spell right?

Then we’ve got the first main paragraph. We’ve got an all caps KATHLEEN KORES, who, according to a quick Google search, may be dead based on the amount of results I got that had the word “obituary.” Anyway, according to this email, Mr. Kores is a great k Leil Dl, which, according to a quick Google search, is nonsense. Whatever, because, more importantly, Ms. Kores is apparently my girlfriend too. Holy shit! It finally happened! Well, time to delete my Tinder account, because apparently ol’ Kathy here swiped right on me without me even knowing. Wait, if I keep reading, it turns out she’s my girlfriend pumpkin. Wait, I’m dating a pumpkin now? Is she the Great Pumpkin? Am I fucking the Great Pumpkin? Oh no, I’ve ruined Halloween for everyone!

Hold on a second, I think the pumpkin applies to her “distinct curly hair”. It means that she’s either a ginger, or her hair is literally made of pumpkins. If the latter, that certainly would be distinct.

I guess Ms. Kores is wearing a raging red velour shirt, or her hair is in the shirt. Honestly, I’m wondering how a shirt is raging. Maybe it says “Make America Great Again” on it. That certainly is a phrase that I associate with rage. Sure, it’s rage at brown people, but it’s rage nonetheless.

Also, am I really dating someone with a MAGA shirt? Damn, I must’ve really lowered my standards.

Continuing on this exciting tale, it turns out Kathy Lee Apple Cores changed in the floor of most my sweetheart recording studio in Glastonbury. Wait, not only do I have a girlfriend, but also a recording studio in Glastonbury? I mean, sure Glastonbury is in England and I’m in the US, so that’s a helluva commute, but whatever. Better yet, not only is it a recording studio, but it’s a sweetheart recording studio, which, admittedly, sounds like where erotic books on tape or schmaltzy Hallmark Valentines Day cards that speak are recorded.

Wait a second, I was so engrossed by the fact that I now have a recording studio that I completely missed the fact that my girlfriend changed in the floor. I’m not sure what she changed into, but, since she did it in the floor, I’m starting to think she’s incorporeal. The more I hear about this pumpkin haired Trump supporter, the scarier she becomes. What other powers does this being have? Also how did we even meet, anyway? I doubt it was ChristianMingle.

What’s truly terrifying is how Kathy changed. It was the “way a snake strategies in the grass, effortlessly as well as silently.” It’s kind of a freaky mental image, but it’s also some of the most beautiful nonsense I’ve ever seen. I want it tattooed on my ass.

This story isn’t over though. Kathy, after taking a moment to move around, possibly the way a snake strategies in the grass (as one does, of course), decides to curve a knee. It’s here that we get a revelation about Kathy: her gender is uncertain. Alright, that’s no big deal. People always aren’t comfortable with their gender identity, and I accept that.

Anyway, Kathy, after curving their knee, threw a stylish. Eh, better that than a tantrum. Guess they were keeping me on my toes to make sure, I, the whites, am a tool.

I should note that, while I am white, I am a singular entity. I am a single white, not a collective cracker hivemind. I’m also not a tool, either. I’m a pool. A Dorkpool.

That was just the first two paragraphs. As much as I’d love to go through the rest of the email doing this, it’s way too long (about two entire pages in Word. To put that in perspective, this is about one and half pages), and I’m not sure I’d be able to keep up with the crazy nonsense.

Now, based on what I read and what I was able to decipher (which, believe me, is not all that much), the email has something to do with belly dancing. I think. They mention zumba and belly dancing quite a bit. They also mention, and I quote, “Britney warrior spears” and also Shakira, which gives me a mental image of a warrior Britney Spears fighting Shakira. Personally, I think any battle with Britney would be pretty toxic.

So, yeah. Rather than use my time to, say, do homework or apply for a job or write a Riff or something, I instead spent an hour or two making jokes about some spam email I got. Truly, I have the best time management skills.

Well, Kathy says I do, at any rate.