Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24987453-20141228215409/@comment-17385488-20141229001848

Grammar and Plot Issues

So, the story starts of at three in the morning and our narrator is driving down the interstate in the Applachians in North Carolina. He begins to feel tired ("beggining" is also the incorrect spelling for "beginning".) and decides to find a place to rest for the time.

I can understand that someone is feeling tired at three in the morning, but here is what confuses me: Where is he driving to at three in the morning, where is he driving from, and why is he driving at this time of day? Not only can this provide some plot development, it can also provide me with some additional information on what is happening.

After he exits the highway, he finds himself driving down an unlit backwoods road. I don't think you find yourself on a backwoods road the second you get off of the interstate. You usually get off of the interstate (Which are usually lit by streetlights), then drive for a while before finding an area that is dimly lit or isn't lit at all.

You save your protagonist the trouble of trying to survive the night from the unknown by adding that he was thinking of pulling over on the side of the road to take a nap, only for him to come to the conclusion that it is a poor decision to make and he keeps on driving.

"I continued down the road for several more miles, (Remove the comma) until I noticed a pale light in the distance." This is a perfect example of a comma splice, which is an example of a poor grammar choice. Your best case scenario is to remove the comma and it would make a complete sentence. Or, option two is that you end the phrase "I continyed down the road for several more miles" with a period and start the next sentence with "After a while" so that the sentence reads "After a while, I noticed a pale light in the distance."

"'Ms. Smith's Inn and Bookstore', was displayed on the neon sign facing the highway."

This entire sentence is confusing in terms of the flow of words. To make it sound better, reword to something like this: "Facing the highway was a neon sign that displayed 'Ms. Smith's Inn and Bookstore'."

"I parked in the small lot, and then walked to the door."

This sentence is missing out a few details. How can someone park their car and then walk to the front door if they were still in their car? It would have sounded better if the sentence was written this way: "I parked in the small lot, got out of my car, and then walked to the front door of the inn."

An extremely old woman answers his knocks at the door. According to the narrator, the woman was at least ninety years old and has some of the deepest wrinkles the narrator has ever seen. I did find another comma splice in this sentence ("She was at least ninety[,(Remove the comma)] and her skin was criss-crossed with deep(, almost canyon-like,) wrinkles. Note that I moved the phrase "almost canyonlike" to between "deep" and "wrinkles". Placing it there makes the sentence flow smoother than it was originally.

After explaining more about her facial features [Including several grammar errors and a comma splice (Her mouth was (a) little more than a pinkish line, like a child's drawing of a mouth (similar to a child's drawing of a mouth.).; Her nose was hooked and sharp, (Remove the comma) like a hawk's beak.).

"She (also) seemed to be completely bald. The entire lobby of the hotel (How does an inn become a hotel so quickly? It makes the reader question whether or not the narrator is at the same place or not.) was lined with books, some with their spines cracked and looked ancient,[.(Run-on sentence)] (However), many (books) looked rather new. Without speakingm the woman gave me a key, which surprised me as I had not needed to pay. Along with the key, the woman thrust at me a stack of paper (thrust a stack of papers towards me). There was a message on the top page: 'Summarize to me your life right up until you have visited my inn.'"

"This was an excerpt from one of many books found in the fire at 'Ms. Smith's Inn and Bookstore'. Upon examining the remaining books, it was determined that the material used to bind the boks (books) was not leather, as (which) was originally thought.  The inn was part of an investigation about the disappearances of 523 men and women from (between) the years of 1949 to 2007. Through the use of DNA analysis, it has been determined that the books are bound in (using) the skin of the victims. The proprietor of the inn is still at large."

The ending is somewhat puzzling. So, the proprietor of the inn is at large for these supposed "murders". What confuses me is this: Did she miraculously survive the fire at the inn, and if so, is she some kind of supernatural entity? If not, did she escape the fire and remains on the run? Or better yet, did she set fire to her own inn in an attempt to destroy the evidence of her doings?

Overall Thought on the Story

The story could have used a bit more wiggle room for character and plot development, but it still had an interesting idea that could have had more added on to it. It still had a few plot holes, but nothing too severe, and a few grammar errors (spelling errors, poor word choice, run-on sentences, comma splices). It is a better read than few of the other stories I have read here in the Workshop, but it is still not up to par with the quality standards.