Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-10950063-20140714192528/@comment-24077689-20140731091536

I know, I’m a dick for taking this long to review this. I know. Sorry.

As always, I’m a big fan of your writing style. You begin with tension, I like that, you throw us right into the stomach churning. My only issue with this beginning section is some of the phrasing. Which is funny because the set up of this story, phrasing-wise very much reminds me of the way I write. Just the areas like “Confused, disoriented…” it seems like you could just as well leave it at “confused” or even “disoriented”, the usage here is relatively synonymous. The way you describe his physical change is fabulous, I really appreciate that you don’t use clichés like “cold sweat” or “clammy skin” or “ghostly pale”. But then again, I shouldn’t expect any less from you.

Next you have a gorgeous set up which genuinely piqued my interest, the phone record thing, it’s great, it’s a great set up.

As always, I’m not crazy about the ellipses. I mean, I can see how you could totally justify their usage in this context, but it’s just so—sloppy. I feel like here you could break up the words less, use the off-beat pause a bit more sparingly, use hyphens, dashes, and I think you could especially stop the exchange to mention areas where he simply cuts out in between with static.

You certainly aren’t pulling your punches. Wow.

Again, the way you’re phrasing some of this is bordering poetic. It’s really quite lovely, but I feel like you’re intentionally holding back on some of this. “…covered with spots that looked like port-wine stain birthmarks.” Is such a fantastic turn of phrase, but then again, you might also be dodging a bit of a bullet by using phrases like this so sparingly. It leaves me wanting more. Kind of like a good port wine

Your dialogue set up is great. Very well done.

I definitely really like the direction you’re taking this. It’s really fantastic. The sort of imagery it conjures up brings such things as Eraserhead and Absentia directly to my mind. Honestly, Guy, my advice to you is to stop being fucking self-conscious about it. It’s a great piece so far. There are far worse ideas that are just as lengthy if not even fucking longer. You can do this justice. Maybe revisit the very beginning if you absolutely have to edit anything here.



I'm inclined to agree with Bitter, were it not for me being familiar with your work, I'd have seen that titled and did an about face. It's cliche and, frankly, seems like something one of our less veteran-writers would come up with.