Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29969337-20161104130817/@comment-29598598-20161106000545

Hello, MisterStuff

This story you wrote is pretty good. I have to admit that I felt interested and wanted to read on after the first few paragraphs. You do a decent job of including grotesque images in your story without them coming across as being included for the sake of appearing "edgy".

Grammatically, the only thing I think you should change is in the sentence (my corrections in parentheses): "It comes away with a fleshy twang that I feel as much as (I) hear (it) and..." I feel this would help the sentence flow a little more as I found myself rereading it to make sure I hadn't misread it.

I was also a little confused by the last couple paragraphs of the story (my comments in quotations):

''I don’t even know who you are anymore,’ his beautiful blue eyes full of tears at my betrayal. He could barely even bring himself to look at me. I don’t blame him. I can’t even stand to look at myself, to see the hateful face of the one person who ruined everything staring back.'' (Who is talking here? Is it the protagonist, the wife or someone else? I was thrown off by "his beautiful eyes". Whose eyes? Jason's? The protagonist's? If you change who is speaking in the story, you need to clarify so that the reader does not get confused.) ''I raise my left thumb to my left eye, pulling the lower eyelid down. ‘Never mind,’ I whisper as I pick up the scalpel and raise it to my one good eye, steeling myself for the next step. ‘We’ll soon take care of that.’ (Is this the wife about to stab herself, or is this the protagonist talking? Additionally, was this the shock twist at the end, or was the twist the part of the story when it was revealed that a man was brutally beating his wife for getting an abortion against his consent or knowledge?)

The overall story was decent, but the lack of clarity as to who was speaking in the last couple paragraphs makes the ending a little confusing for me. However, the story was not bad and you did a pretty good job with it. As long as you fix those couple minor things I mentioned, than I would be satisfied with it. Good job again.