Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25880794-20141217231333/@comment-24381191-20141220200851

First off, you need to paragraph your work. No one wants to read a huge wall of text. It took me two days to read that part. The paragraph shouldn't be more than 10-11 lines.

You misuse elipses alot. They are not needed at all in this pasta. Next, you've also made some typos and grammatical errors.

I can see you're trying to imitate stories like Candle Cove where the author investigates something. This isn't that good. The weirdo fans of Clark come off as silly. Some of the writing is awkward, I suggest you reread it.

I don't know why you added the deaths but it did nothing to advance the story or the suspense and was just there for the internal organs. Also, I don't know why you used asterisks ( * ) in them. You also have many sentences that go on for too long and could be easily broken down into two or more sentences.

The conversation with SebastianClarkizreal22 (I suggest you change the name) also goes nowhere. Also, every time there's a new message, begin with a new paragraph.

Don't call the obituaries 'obit' and this sentence makes no sense:

The obit claimed that his death was a suicide that he threw himself over a cliff but it was curious that it seemed his neck had snapped somehow before his fall. The body... had no head.

How would they think if the neck was snapped if the body had no head? Isn't it obvious that if he was decapitated, he died because his head was cut off. Also, if he had no head, why would the cause of death be suicide by jumping off a cliff? How would he cut off his head by jumping of a cliff? The elipsis (...) is also unneeded.

In the end, how are you typing this? From a library computer? Also, you're the only one who was searching for Sebastian Clark, not your readers.

The entire premise itself isn't that good. It can be a good story, but it needs a solid execution. Like the protagonist casually searches information about Clark but slowly gets tangled deeper and deeper into a web of conspiracies and mysteries behind Sebastian Clark.