Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25051266-20160723232222/@comment-28266772-20160725144754

Inside a kitchen was a man dressed as a... turtle? Oh how odd, unusual and silly. But why, oh why, is [tense switch] this man wearing a turtle costume? The answer to that question is one we do not know. '[But you do know, don’t you? Because you are literally about to tell us a story that details the answer to that question]'

“Ah shit, this costume is stuffy. Hey, the camera ain’t rollin’, right? Nah?”

“Nope.”

“Well hurry it up.”

“Ok sir. Three, two, one and... action!”

“Ha-hey kids! It’s me again, Timmy the Turtle. Today we’re gonna have lots and lots of fun. I mean can you think of anything more fun than fun? Ha-hey!” '[write a play composed of dialogue, or write a piece of prose with dialogue in it. But I wouldn’t go merging the two like this. Even a play, which is exclusively dialogue, states who’s saying what at the start]'

Timmy the Turtle was a happy turtle. He liked to have fun.

One of Timmy’s helpers, Mr Director, whispered: “Cue child one.” [whispered, *linebreak* “Cue child one”]

A playful, happy young girl came galloping into the kitchen. She was extremely, unconceivably happy... usually. On this day she was sad, oh so very sad. [This makes no sense and is contradictory]

“Alicia, whatever is the matter?” '[says the director? Or the turtle]'

“I have a bully who wont [won’t] leave me alone.”

“That’s no problem for Timmy the Turtle, right kids? Let’s all help Alicia together.”

And so the two of them went outside to meet the bully[feels rushed]. The sun was bright, the temperature was hot, the flowers were blooming. Today was a nice day. [tense]

“Oh Mr Bully where are you?”

Timmy the Turtle looked around everywhere, but the bully just could not be found.

“Sorry Alicia, I can’t seem to find the bully. But you know what?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What is it Timmy?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“It’s better to ignore the bully. Be happy, not sad.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I agree.”

<p class="MsoNormal">A sunflower popped up from under the ground, with a long smile on its face. This was the happiest flower in the whole wide world. [tense]

<p class="MsoNormal">“I agree too!” '[said…? Seriously you need to denote who is saying what]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hey Timmy look, its [it’s] a flower!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh my god, its Sammy the Sunflower. How ya doin’ Sammy?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hiya Timmy. I’m having a great time. The sun is so shiny and bright today, but I’ve been thinking: what is the sun? It gives us light, but what is it?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well I think me and the kids can help. Should we help Sammy? Should we? We should? Alright! The sun is a star.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“A star? Like one of those balls of light in the sky at night? Wow.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yup, and now you know.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Now Sammy the Sunflower was just that little bit smarter. And Alicia, Timmy, and Sammy '[I can’t believe I’m saying this as a grown-ass man, but isn’t Sammy a flower? How can he walk?] 'all smiled and talked together as friends. But wait! The bushes began to shake and wiggle, move and groove from side to side. Was someone there? Hello? [So like is this the narrator or what?]

<p class="MsoNormal">Bam! Someone came out from the bushes: an uninvited guest. He jumped onto Sammy. Oh no!

<p class="MsoNormal">“Aaaaaah help me Timmy, Alicia, someone.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Timmy, it’s the bully! He’s hurting Sammy.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“You’re the bully? Please don’t hurt our friends. Get off Sammy.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Sammy was in dire trouble. His petals were crippled, [semicolon, or conjunction] his stem was beginning to tear. Poor Sammy.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Please Timmy, I’m... DYING.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Look Mr Bully instead of fighting we can all be friends.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“F-friends? No.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Instead of us all being sad we should be happy. Here[comma] take my hand.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“No one’s ever been so nice to me.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What’s your name? Mine’s Timmy, Timmy the Turtle!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“I’m Billy. And I’m sorry for your friend. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Billy took Timmy’s hand and everyone smiled from that day '[onwards? Feels like a word is missing]'. Billy apologised to Alicia, and all was well. The sun was smiling, the trees were smiling, the clouds were smiling, even Sammy was still smiling.

<p class="MsoNormal">Timmy returned to the kitchen.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Ok kids, what did we learn today? We learned friendship. Even if it’s someone mean or bad, we should always extend the hand of friendship. And now we’re going to move onto your guys [guys’] drawing submissions. Seven year old Sam from California drew me? That’s awesome! Thanks Sam, hey that name kinda sounds like Sammy. How ya holdin’ up Sammy?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“PLEASE KILL ME.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“He’s so funny. Next we have eleven year old Vanessa’s drawing of Sammy. He’s having so much fun! Oh dear kids, I’m afraid we’re all out of time, but tune in next time for Timmy the Turtle. Bye-bye.”

<p class="MsoNormal">And so Timmy the Turtle waved goodbye, and the show... ended? It was over? '[This style of narration is…difficult to enjoy; this isn’t a movie, the narrator is literally our only window into the world and it’d be nice to have a modicum of consistency in terms of style. As a rule a third person narrative should never have unattributed rhetorical quotes; also up to this point, can I ask, why the fuck have we been going through all of this crap with the sunflower and co.? The only thing that matters in the long run is what follows on from this point onwards.]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“Ok... and that’s a wrap! Excellent job everybody. Sammy was hitting a little uncanny valley at the end, hopefully they don’t send us another report for ‘scaring too many kids’ again.” [who is saying this!?]

<p class="MsoNormal">The phone rang. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Whoever could it be kids? Timmy’s friend, the producer, picked it up.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hmmmm. I see. Hey Timothy? Yo ‘Timmy the Turtle’!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What is it? And please don’t call me by my stage name. It’s weird.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah well... it’s your wife. She seems pissed.”

<p class="MsoNormal">A phone call for Timmy the Turtle from his wife? What could it be about kids? Oh exciting.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hey honey, don’t you know I’m currently at work.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“This is real fucking important. Are you cheating on me with my sister?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What? No!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well these texts say something else.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Wait a minute: you took my fuckin’ phone?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yup. And I’m getting a divorce. Taking the kids with me too."

<p class="MsoNormal">“Please wait until I at least come back home to explain.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Home? You’re not coming home. I’ve already got the papers right in front of me.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“You fucking bitch. FUCK YOU. You’re not taking my fuckin’ kids.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Too late.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“DON’T YOU HANG UP ON ME!" [all of this dialogue… not realistic enough to be credible, not stylized enough to be an obvious parody or fantasy] 

<p class="MsoNormal">Timmy the Turtle was very angry and sad, but don’t worry kids, Timmy’s friend the producer came back to help.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yo Timothy, I’ve got some bad news. The company is planning to lay you off. Apparently they don’t think your [you’re] the right personality for the show.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Look buddy, I tried to reason with ‘em, but sadly the won’t listen to reason.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What the fuck?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Dude take it easy.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“WHAT THE FUCK?”

<p class="MsoNormal">What was happening? Suddenly Mr Producer was so sad and pale. So sad.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Ah shit. Jesus fuckin’ Christ. Timothy what are you doing?!”

<p class="MsoNormal">Timmy the Turtle was pushing something into his friend and red water leaked out. Wait, that couldn’t be red water, right kids? It must be tomato juice!

<p class="MsoNormal">“FUCK FUCK FUCK.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Timmy the Turtle was relieved, and most importantly, happy.

<p class="MsoNormal">Timmy the Turtle and his friends all lived happily ever after.

<p class="MsoNormal">The end.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So overall:

<p class="MsoNormal">1) Mechanical issues: spellings, structure, punctuation, style etc. The biggest and most recurring problem is your use of speech, and the way you don’t denote it correctly. Prose and plays are distinct for a reason but nowhere is it okay to not state who is talking with one sole exception – two people speaking rapidly back and forth. You, however, have far more than just two people doing this. So yeah, proofread this, fix the errors, and use spellcheck.

<p class="MsoNormal">2) Stylistic issues: you write like a movie – like you’ve got the accompanying visuals in your head and this is a companion piece. But to the rest of us who don’t have that… well… this is awkward to say the least. I get the idea you’re going for but it’d make life so much easier if you just narrated everything clearly and simply. A third person narrative is bound to certain rules, and concepts, and cannot be constantly switched out with a more oral style of personal narrative. Also you’re use of language does nothing to convey a sense of place or time, or anything else for that matter. It feels intentionally ‘wacky’, but lacks significant descriptors. It seems to be a peculiar hybrid of a screenplay, script, play and narrative but each of those will be relying on a long history of certain techniques and tools to make sense.

<p class="MsoNormal">3) Story issues: feels rushed, nothing really happens, the ‘cynical/naughty’ children’s presenter has been done to death, and the ending feels like it just happens with no real effort or work to make it feel earned. More importantly I’ve read stories where the naughty presenter uses his position to rape children, and compared to the real life Jimmy Saville, this fictional account feels weak and tame in comparison to the waft of potential it contains. Children’s presenters are in a powerful position to exploit and cause pain; I think you should have used that to achieve something more than just “guy in a turtle suit stabs a prick”.

<p class="MsoNormal">