Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26777739-20150724131103/@comment-25825682-20150726220459

Since I'm waiting for a re-review on my story and poem, I'll give my opinion on this story. To start with, I have no clue who and/or what Molly is conveying this to. What I mean by this is the part that says "...hold on I'll be back. OK I'm back..." which to me implies that she is writing this in a journal or diary, or she's talking to something. Either way, it should be identified what she telling this to. Another issue is dialogue, which I'll touch on if you want, but for now I'll leave it since it was addressed already.

I noticed obvious grammar mistakes just like Not So Quicksword Irene mentioned. The things I spotted were:

1.) When writing proper nouns like the names "Molly," and "Bellrey," capitalize the first letter like I did. Same for "Jaxson," as well.

2.) You over dotted the ellipsis three times. Three dots are only needed like what you did on the third ellipsis, example (...)

-Note: from here on I will mark what's missing in parenthesis, I'll quote your original text and suggest a correct phrasing after it.

3.) "Hi my name is molly. And I need to say a few things." You need a comma after that interjection. The second half could connect to the first by replacing the period after "Molly," with a comma, or you could just remove the period.

4.) "Owr," is Our.

5.) "Yeah mom I'm fine!" same as "Hi," you need a comma after the interjection. 6.) "Some how," can be (Somehow) and "mange," should be (manage) for a better read.

7.) "Down stairs," can be (Downstairs).

8.) "There's some new people I want you to meet!" The singular verb doesn't fit well with the plural subject, "there's," would read better as (there're).

9.) Probably accidental, but " The the neighbors..." you made "the," repetitive, omit one of them.

10.) "Wow he's cute. Anyway got to go." Same as "Hi and Yeah," needs a comma after interjection.

11.) Not really a grammar point except a comma should go after it. The word "OK," seems unfitting to the rest of the text. It's up to you, but I would change that to (okay) instead.

12.) "The part that wants to hurt my mom or someone or thing." This is an odd sentence to read. You can replace "mom," with (someone) and change "thing," to (something). Also instead of a period connect the end of this sentence to the next using a comma. E.g. "The part that wants to hurt my mom or someone or thing, but..."

13.) "You bitch.I say in my head." Just no space between the period and the start of a new sentence.

Aside from the grammar, this story needs a big development on the characters. Otherwise no one will find them interesting and that's the worst thing to hear about your character. I was told that before, but once you do expand on them it helps the story a lot. Anyway, I hope this feedback helps in some way.