Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160506143219/@comment-28060931-20160513154859

Dr. Frank N. Furter wrote: Hey Jake888, since we Jakes have to help each other out, I have assembled the following review to help you with "Apocalypse". First, the errors. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'm talking about here:

"any who may find it in the near to late future, may,be enlightened" should be "any who may find it in the near to late future, may be enlightened"

"a apocalypse" should be "an apocalypse"

"I was a intern" should be "I was an intern"

"with “chest infections”." should be "with “chest infections.""

"added Insomnia unto the list" should be "added Insomnia onto the list"

"Every thing" should be "Everything"

"a elderly man" should be "an elderly man"

"door step" should be "doorstep"

"Doc, are you fucking insane." should be "Doc, are you fucking insane?"

"At a moments notice" should be "At a moment's notice"

"she threw her face the opposite direction" should be "she threw her face in the opposite direction"

"chocking sound" should be "choking sound"

"noise made me chock" should be "noise made me choke"

"chocking" should be "choking"

"my mothers death" should be "my mother's death"

"mothers funeral" should be "mother's funeral"

"a idea" should be "an idea"

"a intern" should be "an intern"

"allot of research" should be "a lot of research"

"we did not disturb any one" should be "we did not disturb anyone"

"four-hundred thousand dollars(I counted this apart from the science equipment such as machines.)." should be "four-hundred thousand dollars (I counted this apart from the science equipment, such as machines.)."

"We ran door to door inquiring about any sick people we can examine" should be "We ran door to door inquiring about any sick people we could examine"

"let us examine recently dead victims of this new plague" should be "let us examine recently deceased victims of this new plague"

"Government started giving colossal funding’s to hospitals" should be "The government started giving colossal funding to hospitals"

"38. Cal Smith and Weston" should be ".38 Cal Smith and Wesson"

"was going no where" should be "was going nowhere"

"I though hard, until, I came across something with some potential" should be "I thought hard, until, I came across something with some potential"

"this nrw concoction" should be "this new concoction"

"Immediatly called us" should be "Immediately called us"

"a extreme headache" should be "an extreme headache"

"a MRI" should be "an MRI"

"we were told that we will get ten million dollars and if we can perfect the cure, it will be distributed to every single sick person" should be "we were told that we could get ten million dollars and perfect the cure, it would be distributed to every single sick person"

"my moms killer" should be "my mom's killer"

"spend their last days on earth doing any and everything" should be "spending their last days on Earth doing any and everything"

"The building were run down" should be "The buildings were run down"

"I never have been shot at, apart the encounter from the encounter with Connor" should be "I never have been shot at, apart from the encounter with Connor"

"glock" should be "Glock"

"lound, hasty footsteps" should be "loud, hasty footsteps"

Also, you seem to switch between " and ' when quoting someone. You should always use ".

Okay, now, let's look at some random things that I think should be changed for various reasons.

"but you know what they say about assuming? It makes an ass out of you and me." This actually made me laugh and took me out of the story. While it is a good saying, I don't think it has a place in a creepypasta like this.

"a lot of people reported coughs and blocked noses, doctors, as usual, assumed it was the common cold, so they prescribed lots of rest, and thick broth." Kind of a run-on sentence, and I'm not sure doctors would "prescribe" thick broth.

"But, you do know what they say about assuming." You already know how I feel about this saying in your story, and this second appearance of it feels weird.

"The clients in our clinics multiplied faster than Albert Einstein on Adderall." Okay, I actually burst out laughing at this part. While it is a funny saying, I again don't think it belongs in a story trying to be scary like this.

"She was in her mid to late forties..." The protagonist doesn't know exactly how old his mom is? I think he probably should say her exact age.

"he put a thumb to his lips and made a ‘shh' sound". I think most people make a finger-shushing gesture with their pointer finger, not their thumb.

"He motioned me into the sitting room and poured me some scotch." It strikes me as odd that this doctor would just pour out alcohol in his patient's house after she just died.

"“Look son,’ he began." Is this guy the protagonist's dad? His behavior is quite odd. How close was he to the mother/protagonist?

"Death is a curious thing: First comes the denial, the denial renders you oblivious to this funny, unpredictable event called death. Then comes the realisation, it hits you harder than being massacred by a stampede of wild animals. You cry furiously until you run out of tears. Lastly there comes acceptance, it kind of feels like a hangover wearing off. I woke up resting alongside my mother, my phone was dead, despite being 96% charged the past twenty-eight hours of coping with my mothers death." It seems that the protagonist is going through the grieving process rather quickly. Twenty-eight hours seems like a short time to come to terms with one's mother passing away. Also, this paragraph is just awkwardly-worded. Perhaps it could be broken up a little more.

"When it finished and I received the two million dollars, and her mansion that she left me, I returned to my apartment with ten bottles of Jack Daniels." Wow, he inherited his mom's stuff really quickly. Usually it takes a few weeks for that stuff to be sorted out. And his mom sure did have a lot of alcohol, unless he went out and bought it all.

"Indeed, it did come in handy, since it was either sympathy, or the two million dollars, and access to allot of research on the disease that me and the doctor I worked with had gathered that got people to join." Weirdly-worded sentence, and "allot" should be "a lot".

"-It's Bacterial -It attacks lungs and immune system -Immune to all know antibiotics except Amoxicillin which temporarily suppresses vomiting, but provides no long term effects." This probably should be formatted differently, instead of using dashes.

"parking lots switched place with decaying cadavers. The" Weird thing to say, and you should remove "The".

"I only had a glock on me, but three precise shots earned me more ammo, a new gun, and supplies, along with a feeling of no remorse when it comes to murder." Bit of a run-on. Break it up.

Okay, now finally onto the story itself. I definitely think it should be cut down, as a lot of research scenes seem overly-long. Overall, I think the story could use some work. The grammar and wording feels a bit akward, and it could use some more creative description. It seems unbelievable that a rag-tag team of scientists formed through a newspaper could be more skilled than an entire government agency's team. The way that the "government" sends the scientist team money seems odd as well. Wouldn't they just relocate them all to a secure facility under direct government supervision? The dialogue also feels unnatural, especially the talk between the protagonist and his mom's doctor. I also think that the part where the protagonist's team starts dying one by one felt clichéd.

In fact, the entire story feels somewhat generic. The whole "terrible disease kills nearly all of humanity except me" plotline is apparent. However, I do actually really like the part when the protagonist realizes that his cure actually made everything worse. Perhaps the story could be less focused on the actual outbreak and more on the protagonist's guilt for ruining the world? I feel like this would be more original and interesting. Maybe he tries to set the world right again? Maybe he fails in his quest? See what you can come up with.

Okay, that's about it. Sorry for the long wait. I hope my review will help you in your next draft, as well with all future stories of yours.

Good luck, fellow Creeper!

Thanks! Your review is priceless to me. I will fix the story as soon as I have some time. You really are a great critic. Again, thanks for taking your time to review this, even though this is quite long.