Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26415639-20150606200102/@comment-26007602-20150607173954

Alright, so the first thing I noticed is that there actually isn't any NSFW content here. NSFW only really includes graphic sexual events or (needlessly) brutal gore.

The other thing is that you could cut out literally the first half of this story. Nothing about his guy coding or any of his computer antics have anything to do witht the rest of the story and only really bore the reader. Up until the protagonist meets Tyler, nothing really plays into the horror aspect of the story. You need to induce tension into the beginning: imply something is wrong, something is off.

The whole, "it's all a dream" ending is highly clichéd. I think it would be less clichéd if the narrator wakes up in a hospital or something with his wrists slit. Hallucinations or a warping of reality would be better than a straight up dream. He shouldn't be killed by Tyler, as that causes problems relating to how he's telling the story if he's dead. It's also far too abrupt. You can't have a completely horror-less story and expect a final paragraph to really scare the reader. There need to be hints indicating what is really going on.

I hope this helps.