Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180206223252/@comment-32764586-20180207053526

JohnathanNash wrote: Okay, so there are a good deal of grammatical problems with this story, most of which should be caught by reading it out loud. I’m not going to notate them right now, because I’m writing this on my phone, and that’s just a bit too much of a hassle. Sorry.

Besides the grammar, there are a couple things that may need to be fixed. Fist, you said Tommy was a infant when his folks died, but he is a tolder if not older by the time the events happened. You mentioned that he was two either at the time of the first beating, or the cheating, then another year passes from Mary saying she didn’t love the man from the last year.

The second is that she called him. Cellphones weren’t around at that time, so she would have to call where he said he was going to be, and also he could only answer if he was there. That should be addressed as well.

Okay, so now the better parts. This story has struck hole with me, not because I’m an adulterous asshole, or a wife beater, but because my wife left me because she had an affair. That is why I haven’t been writing as much lately, and have been in a rather shitty state of mind. So, I can tell you first hand, divorce is painful and scary. So, this story really struck me pretty hard.

Beyond that, abuse is scary as hell too. I’ve never seen it first hand, but can imagine that it is horrible for anyone who has, wife or child. The manipulation that Max does through out the story is good, little shuttle things to get her to trust him. Kind of wish you added more to that, but with the word limit I can understand why you didn’t.

Overall, clean this up and it will be a pretty good story. Good luck in the contest.

Yeah, thanks. This is the first draft of the story without much proof reading. Sorry about the grammar, I've been falling behind on schoolwork and dealing with the flu so I wanted to get the story out for potential holes in that first so when I get well I can fix that and grammar together.

Thanks for the advice though. It's easy for me to forget cell phones are a fairly new thing.