Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25096774-20141212010842/@comment-17385488-20141226012212

From first glance, you seem to have put in more time and effort in trying to improve your writing from your first draft. However, you jump into the story with the protagonist's, in this case, Lilly, parents giving her minimal attention, a cliche that has started to become a nuisance.

Story issues: A girl who is bullied to the point where she commits suicide and her soul is demanding revenge on her tormentors is an overused cliche (Similarities to Jeff are evident). Sure, you stray away from the cliched plot with the the rival gang using a plant killer to ruin the one thing important in Lilly's life, which is her garden, but it goes right back into cliche territory with her killing herself, but in an unusual way (Letting herself become fertilizer for her garden).

Run-on sentences/Wording issues: "Early this morning, a girl named Lilly Rose Flint died today(.) (S)he was found buried in vines in her garden."; "Couples had a strange feeling whenever they passed her garden(.) (T)hey felt like the dead plants were watching them, studying them, (and) even threatening them."; "She never wanted to kill her(.) (A)ll she did was like her, (and) even wanted to be her friend." (I only listed a select few for an example. There are numerous run-on sentences in this pasta and trying to find them all would be a pain, not to mention several comma splices ("If only people knew that plants is the main reason we survive(.))

Grammatical issues: "The most horrifying event in history." Fragmented sentence (What was the most horrifying event in history? You may have just listed what it was, but the thought is incomplete.). "She turned off the news still in shocked (shock)." How can the news still be shock? "As she stepped inside." Another fragmented sentence. (What happened as she stepped inside?) "A few students were being strangled while others was (were) being eaten eaten by black Venus fly traps. ("Was" is used if the subject is singular and "were" is used if the subject is plural) "Water soon to begin (began) to fill the school..."

As it currently stands, this story needs some work and really isn't up to quality standards for a large amount of punctuation, wording, and plot issues.