Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25089712-20140621173512/@comment-24918243-20140622011716

I'm sorry, but I found the story a bit confusing. There were some grammar and punctuation errors that really made it hard to follow.

Another thing is you need to work some on your characterizations. They are not developed enough and there are some cases where they are acting in very unrealistic ways. As an example, in the exchange Alice had with the police officer (not "law enforcement", law enforcement is what they do, not what they are) asks her "or what?". An officer would never ask something like this in this kind of circumstance. And if some teen threatened to blog about him on the internet she would either get dragged down to the police station, or the officer would not leave until talking to her parent. Especially if she mentioned that she was mentally ill.

The ending also left me wondering what Alice had done. I understand that maybe you wanted to leave this open, but there is a big difference between that and just being so vague that people have no clue of what's going on.

Maybe the best thing to do is try to create a clear outline of what you want to get across with your story. Then develop the characters, proof-read and proof-read again, read it out loud to see if your sentences are making sense and then post another version. Keep at it and I'm sure it will get better.