Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5632489-20140406230838/@comment-5946174-20140410061950

As is the custom in my reviews, I will begin with grammar. I noticed in your second paragraph that you seem attracted to the word "whom" to the extent that you use it incorrectly; it should have been "who" in each case. For future reference, "whom" is used to describe the subject of an action, while "who" describes the person committing the action. Additionally, "my two thirty-three year old parents" should be "my two 33-year-old parents." It's also worth noting that when combining two words to form a single descriptor, you should put a hyphen between them. "Raven haired" becomes "raven-haired," and "blue eyed" becomes "blue-eyed."

The story itself is uninteresting. Some Japanese kid raised by his parents to become a serial killer? Sounds like Jeff the Killer gone weaboo, which isn't such a bad thing if you're going to be posting this on deviantART; it'll attract plenty of attention, wanted or unwanted. There is also the fact that you used the same descriptors without much variation. Some examples are "debauchery," "evil," and "sin."

My advice: Scrap it. You're better than this.