Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26077248-20161028164942/@comment-24101790-20161028171455

Capitalization: You tend to improperly capitalize words after dialogue. "I'M LEAVING MARY, I'M DONE!" He (he) yelled", ""YOU CAN'T LEAVE JUST CAUSE OF WHAT WE ARE!" She (she) yelled back.", "VIOLET, WHERE IS IT!" She (she) screams hacking up another vile round of coughs.", etc. Additionally I would strongly recommend not writing so much of your dialogue in all-caps. Once or twice for emphasis is fine, but overuse makes the story appear blocky and gimmicky. You also seem to randomly capitalize letters. "Are you Serious?", " She’s Happy, athletic, filled with determination", "Goodnight, sleep tight, sweet dreams, I pull out a precious part of her, Let me sing a Lullaby to erase your painful memories, That will never hate me.", etc.

Punctuation: If you're going to drop a letter off for accent/dialect, you need to leave an apostrophe in its place. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE JUST (')CAUSE..." You should also apostrophize possessive words. "The appearing marks like my mother(')s,".

Punctuation issues cont.: You also forget to use commas/colons in front of dialogue and punctuation inside of dialogue. "I stepped out. My father turned "Go back to bed Violet,", ""Mommy is looking for you"", "“Vi, the cereal is done.” She (she) says", "“Nothing much” She blathers out", etc.

Punctuation issues cont.: You forget to use commas where needed. ""VIOLET, WHERE IS IT!" She screams hacking up another vile round of coughs.", “What are you my mom?” You also seem to leave out a lot of conclusive punctuation. "“Do you have your backpack and binder?” I question(period missing) “Yes.”"

Wording: "“Well actually now that I think about it we have to do a math test today sense (since) it’s Friday.”", "She delivers a kick to my stomach causing me to grown (groan) in pain", etc. I'm sorry but there are a lot more issues here and the further I get in the story, the more I realize it's not able to be salvaged so I'll move onto the story issues.

Story issues: First and foremost, avoid having two character speaking on the same line as it tends to muddle who is saying what and with what inflection. ""Where is what mommy?" She cackles in hellish rhythm "Don't get an attitude you know what!" I twitch under her harsh tone "I-in the cupboard."" Please read some stories and novels to see how dialogue is formatted if you're confused on how to space it.

Story issues cont.: Fairly early into the story, it becomes apparent you spent very little time proof-reading this as there are a lot of mechanical issues. Combine that with the generic story and you have a recipe for a story that fails to meet quality standards.

Here's the biggest issue I see with the story. It feels like an incredibly generic CPC story down to the abusive family who has no reason to be abusive, the bullies, and the soon-to-be unstable protagonist. As this appears to be the second time you've attempted to tell this story, I would suggest reading this guide as your story is incredibly formulaic. Even without the numerous issues here, the story is cookie-cutter and uninteresting due to the fact that the scene has been flooded with hundreds of other stories that are carbon copies of this one.