Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25170312-20150912042159/@comment-25052433-20150913180448

This is a good, solid story, and I would certainly say that it's post worthy as it stands.

As for the review. The technical writing is all there. I didn't really find any big errors, or small ones for that matter, though I would imagine some of our more grammar savy users might. Plot was my main focus though, and for what I read, it was all there.

The only issues I found were in some of the character development and interactions, mostly between Sharon and Lily. Lily is too all over the place with her emotions. The story opens with the bond between the mother and daughter seemingly strong, as the vanishing father seems to unite them in their shared grief. Then suddenly Lily seems as though she's just as soon slit Sharon's throat than give her a hug.

Now, this could be repaired by simply adding in a bit more about Lily. If you were to add that Lily is going through a rough depression and seeing a therapist over the loss of her father, that could easily smooth out the mood shifts and Lily's overly aggressive nature. That's just something to think about.

The verbal abuse that Lily lobs at her mother also seemed a bit forced. The mother needs more development to allow that to fly, perhaps if you enhance the mom's guilt along with the daughter's depression, it will smooth that over too. As it stands, Sharon is either the most patient and forgiving mom in the world, or she's just so used to Lily's shit that she doesn't even try to discipline her daughter at this point.

Lily's reactions to the house's history was also a bit artificial. She goes from loving the fact that there is a magical closet that seems to swallow matter whole, to being terrified and enraged over the fact that someone killed themselves in the house. The way Lily is presented at first, it would seem more likely that she would be thrilled to live in a suicide house, rather than enraged about it.

I would have also liked to have seen a bit more experimentation with the door. At one point Lily sets up a webcam to view the door over night, but never seems to do any other experiments with it, besides throwing stuff in there. I think an entire chapter could have gone just to that.

All in all though, this is a good story and I think it will fit the site quite nicely. You did a great job with the mystery factor here, and the ending was excellent. The story is great as it stands, but I do believe with just a bit more character development, this can be a homerun on the site.

Excellent work, you have a great talent and I look forward to reading more from you.