Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4656382-20180113081513/@comment-25941663-20180116140457

Hmmm, I'm not sure what would make this work as is, I'm afraid. It is just not fully-fleshed. It reads like the journals you find when playing a game, which are too short to have considerable impact. I honestly think this is the only way for this to work, aside from turning this into a proper long story. Have this as a journal to another chapter. If you don't want to make another story even longer, you can cut down this one (by removing details, and cutting down on the first chapters).