Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5999967-20160610065005/@comment-24101790-20160610071616

Starting with the basics, please look back at your message on my talk page and my response as a lot of these issues are still present. You corrected most of the grammatical and punctuation issues, but the capitalization, wording, and story issues are still present.

Capitalization: You have a tendency to miss-capitalize a lot of words. "After leaving the first journal in the Library,", "I am now at the fortified Rooftop", "After one nerve-wracking day spent in the Tree", "Perhaps some of the books I left in the Cellar would assist me.", etc. A proper noun is capitalized as it is a specific place (Ashfield Public Library, The Rooftop Bar and Grill, etc.). These really are generalized locations and don't need capitalization.

Capitalization issues cont.: Additionally capitalizing a pronoun is tricky. It would be easier to identify it rather than capitalizing a generic name (" They so nearly had me that I can almost feel Their claws, Their teeth.."). This becomes even more evident when you stop capitalizing it midway through the story. "Perhaps they disturbed something that darkened their world permanently; at the moment, I cannot tell, as these books are too vague in their references to be of any help in this regard.", "From Their speech, they seem to be hunting someone, and I wish them luck even as I crouch here among my books and research.", etc.

Wording: Run-on sentences. "After one nerve-wracking day spent in the Tree, I was able to escape to the Vault. In a sudden moment of inspiration, I coated my trail with a thin sheen of medical alcohol out of one of a few bottles that I had liberated from a small medical cabinet some time ago, when I did not fully understand the value of quick wit and vigilance over any sort of numbing of pain". Awkward wording. "Perhaps some of the books I left in the Cellar would (will) assist me."

Story issues: The frequent breaks in the journal entries really feel forced. "I hear scratching at the door; I fear They have suspected I have gained access to the Vault since... I will not write any more." It feels awkward that they're writing this down even as they're close enough to hear them scratch. Wouldn't he be writing that after the fact as a means of at least being able to defend himself when they get entry?

Story issues cont.: I am left wondering the changes made from your previous story if they really tell a viable standalone story. You mentioned in your message to me that this story was complete and while you made a few edits towards the end, a large majority of it is still the same. If you're intending to make this a series, it needs to have a lot more of a standalone feel or you need to post the completed story all at once as we no longer accept unfinished/work in progress stories.

I'm sorry, but a lot of these issues are still present and the second addition in the series just feels like more of the first with some slight changes made, but no real progress gained in the overall story. I think you need to really sit down and work through the entire series as opposed to updating it randomly as this leaves quite a bit to be desired.