Absorption of the Speaker

In the many rituals of this website, there is a common theme: either “if the (being) does/does not (do this thing), you will suffer (mutilation/torture/death)” or “once you’re (on) there is no turning back” type. I’ll be pleased to say in this ritual, these themes don’t happen.

Now, why you would want to do this ritual in the first place I honestly don’t know, but pay attention, and you can get away scot-free even if you mess up.

What you are trying to summon is a being which I’ll call “The Speaker.” He isn’t a ghostie from a graveyard or the devil or anything. He’s the keeper of knowledge, and he has all the answers to every single one of your questions. All the information in the universe is stored inside a special place not located on Earth.

The Speaker will give you the information you need if you play your cards right. But play it wrong…we’ll discuss over all the bad shit later to come. You see, he hates being summoned over and over again, and if your defenses aren’t strong enough, he might just overwhelm you.

First things first: you need to set around 20 cups in a circle. (Any kind of cup will do.) If the circle isn’t large enough to let a person stand in it, use more cups. Make sure there is no more than once inch between each adjacent cup, or The Speaker will slip through. To be safe, let the cups touch each other at the rims.

Cut up a sheet of paper into slips. Make as many slips as you have cups, and try to make them equal-sized. On each slip, write “The Speaker” (no quote marks) in clear handwriting. When you’re done, put one slip into each cup. If you have extras, discard them.

Scatter some wet dirt into the circle. DO NOT let a single speck of dirt land in the cups or outside the circle. The Speaker will appear out of any nearby dirt, and if he appears in your cups, you’ll be screwed if you don’t have your Defender, because this breaks the circular protection. If you really want a strong protection, spread salt around the cups.

In as many cups as you can, put a candle in it. The candle isn’t really for fending off The Speaker; it has another, useful reason. You don’t need every cup to have a candle.

Once you’re done setting up the protections, start making your Defender. In this ritual, the Defender is one hand-held tool used to ward off The Speaker should he ever penetrate your defenses. It’s powerful enough to banish The Speaker back to his own dwelling. This is used as a last resort, and probably the best. A Defender is made out of a personal object, a relic used to ward off evil (a crucifix, a Star of David, etc. It should also be a religion YOU believe in, so if you’re atheist, too bad.), and some red string tying them together. Make sure they are bound securely; together they can hold off The Speaker forever; individually they cannot. After you’re done, put it in a pocket, out of sight.

You now must give an offering. Holding all the knowledge in the universe is a tiring job, and The Speaker needs energy. Most people prepare a calorie-filled foodstuff for him; that probably is the easiest. Drop your fried chicken/hamburger/jar of cashews onto the dirt and close your eyes. Count to five, and then think of The Speaker as hard as you can. Open your eyes.

In front of you, rising from the dirt, will be The Speaker. You might’ve noticed any lights around you have dimmed somewhat, but you’re probably gazing in awe at The Speaker. He’ll look like an average guy dillydallying around; but the transparent, massive wings that sprout from his back say otherwise. He also has these incredibly dark eyes, like the never-ending passage of a tunnel, or a deep, shadowy well. The irises will have dilated so large as to leave almost no whites in the eyes.

You’ll probably be creeped out by then. If you feel that you cannot stand this apparition, quickly abort the ritual. Say “I do not desire your presence here” or something like that, and he’ll vanish. You can also pull out your Defender, and he’ll be gone before you can blink.

If you can stand him, say “I have a few questions of mine to ask.” He will reply, “Ask them away, but I require a price.” Don’t fret over that warning too much, ask your first question.

Try asking something simple; like “How many fingers does a human have?” Easy questions like these don’t aggravate The Speaker; he’ll be tolerant and cheerful enough to play along. Angering The Speaker early in the ritual isn’t a good idea. As the ritual progresses, you can ask him “harder” questions.

The Speaker isn’t going to answer each of your questions honestly; he doesn’t have to. That’s why the candles are handy. If he lies to one of your questions, the candles automatically light up, without any match or lighter. You can’t force him to give you a truthful response, but he usually does after being caught lying.

So far the game seems easy, hmm? As long as you don’t knock over any cups, you should be safe, yes?

Wrong.

Besides the power of knowing all the answers to your questions, he can also manipulate you with his voice. He’s weak, and exhausted, and you’re right there, brimming with so much energy. He wants that energy. At some point in the ritual he can’t control his own hunger anymore, and he’ll try to make you get rid of the protections. His voice will be charming, smooth: he’ll try to possess you with his lovely tones (if you’re female, watch out.) He’ll try to bribe you, persuade you, and even threaten you (he can’t if you don’t touch the protection wards.) Do not listen to him. Cover your ears if you have to. If you can’t bear it, banish him by holding out the Defender. He’ll let out a scream, all hunger forgotten, and disappear.

If you do fall prey to his voice, almost all hope is lost for you. If you’re not fast enough, The Speaker will fall upon you, and draw the energy out of you. It will be painful, the sensation of life being sucked out of you, fading into unconsciousness, and eventually death. If that’s what you want, go ahead.

If you are quick enough, whipping out the Defender in time, he’ll vanish. Congrats, you just saved yourself from an agonizing death. Pat yourself on the back from so close a call.

There is one way even your Defender won’t protect yourself from him. If you invite him outside the circle, it doesn’t matter what protections you have, what holy idols you hold. Your word is a command, and you’re the master of the ritual. The Speaker will un-hesitantly step outside the circle and proceed to take your life from you.

In both of these cases, at least your family/the neighbors/the police will find an un-marred body. Your physical body hasn’t been touched (The Speaker isn’t a rapist), you’ll just look like you keeled over and dropped dead. They’ll clean up the mess you made, throw away some stuff, and you’ll just be another dead person.

If you managed to survive the ritual, either banish him with the Defender or, more politely, wave a hand and say “I am ready to pay” or something similar. He’ll ask for something from your house, a token to remember you. He won’t remember you though, but if you give him an object you personally treasure or value, he might let you ask one more question, a question that he will answer as truthfully as he can. After he’s done answering, he’ll vanish, and you’ll have to clean up the dirt and cups, etc. If you keep a bit of that dirt around with you, you might notice that you’ll have more luck or knowledge than usual. You might be able to guess the multiple-answer questions correctly, or ace that calculus course you were struggling with, or get hired for a job you normally had no chance of getting.

You can summon The Speaker as many times as you can. He won’t remember you. He’ll know you, but he won’t care about you. After all, every day thousands of people want questions answered. He has a lot of requests to fulfill.

You’re now going to go summon The Speaker, aren’t you? It’s pretty simple if you followed the rules above. You’re going to set those cups in a circle, put pieces of paper and candles in them, yes? You’re going to call up The Speaker and ask some questions you want to know, make sure not to be bewitched by his voice, and then pay him something precious, right? You’ll then walk away, unscarred, and probably forgot about the whole ordeal.

And then you need answers again. And you’ll be doing this ritual over and over again. You’ll keep doing it to the point of excess, and one day you’ll forget to connect the cups’ rims in a circle, you’ll accidentally knock over a cup, and you’ll do what The Speaker says and invite him outside…

There are a lot of unseen dangers in this game, but if you have the wits and mind to ask right, the information’s all yours.

Be on your way.

-Unknown Narrator II