Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25606338-20141101101957/@comment-25439157-20141101122138

Analysis:

First entry is foreshadowing done wrong. It's a cool idea to begin with the end, but no. Not here. There's too much description of how terrifying it all is and ohh what he's feeling at the moment and ohh how there was blood everywhere. One of the writing advice blogs had stated, Show, don't tell, and it was right because the first parah itself puts me off the story.

Second entry includes the use of quotations, I see. But it's all wrong.

"," She said."

See how the comma is inside the quotation? That's how it's done. Other than that, again, there is bloodshed and a lot of other boring narration. Nothing to lead up to it. How would you expect the reader to be completely terrified by the order of events if there is no build? Just some horny teenagers looking for weed who found themselves dead all of a sudden. I don't care for them, and I don't care what happen to them. I might have, but the opportunity for the writer is gone. It's extremely abrupt, too.

Third entry: She could not quite point on it but she could have sworn something was off. ...You mean, point it out. And she blamed the drinks she had had last night.

She concluded that it was a hangover.Oh really? You don't say. Again, She hadnever drank before.

She was a dignified daughter of (The) Adams(') family till yesterday. (What is she now?) She felt a dizzy feeling and her vision was foggy...

At this point, you're just stating the obvious, and excessively. Also, please fix your tenses.

Another thing is that you use ''Far too..... many...... ellipses......''

''She quickly ran to her home and climbed to her room to find her pallid body splayed oddly over her blood soaked bed. A butcher knife from her kitchen was stuck to her neck. Bruises were visible where blood failed to cover her body. Her legs were bent at an unnatural angle. ''

And she didn't see that before she went to the canteen? I'm sure I'd wash up and get ready after hangovers. And her bathroom had a mirror, yes? What girl doesn't look at herself in the morning.

Also, now I know that Katie's ghost killed them. In the same way she had died. Ba-dum-tsss

I didn't read any more; just skimmed through it. Over all, the story is badly written, and should never be posted. It has no plot whatsoever (there's a difference between 'plot' and 'story', actually,) and the characters are the typical kind you'd find in stories about school days. It would be just as bad without the grammatical errors, so never mind that, I suggest you scrap it entirely.