User blog comment:BadNightmarez/I need help??/@comment-28266772-20180910082603

You want to go to the workshop and get feedback first. The gist of it is that your story suffered a lot from cliches and predictable storytelling. There's also some odd wording ("dear need of..."), redundancies ("black lock screen.... it was replaced with nothingness."), some really odd characterisation ("I broke up with my girlfriend, and now this?" <- these are nowhere near the same level, it's like being "aw man, yesterday my dad died and now I've run out of wiper fluid. Womp womp. / "What it read overwhelmed me with dread." <- it reads exactly what a virus would read. There's nothing dread-like about it.), and just general roughness.

What you did right: mechanically your work is generally fine. Stylistically you overdescribe unnecessary things, but you do make some modest attempts at atmosphere and mood--like the description of the ambient sound and the boy giggling. So there's definitely potential, you just need to put the work in.