Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26235915-20150506111256/@comment-25037895-20150506230519

Here:


 * So, greetings, and your in another entry of the End Times Galore| Should be "you're".
 * 1) after the official 6 o'clock curfew| I would write out the number here. It is more formal, unless you want to put "6:00".
 * 2) official 6 o'clock curfew time authorized the the| "The" is repeated.
 * 3) in which is ACTUALLY happening right now. So, be ready.| Capital letters somehow don't add intensity for me. Bold is ok for replacing all caps, but italics would fit better in this case.
 * 4) white and black sand..| Three periods for ellipses, but it doesn't really fit there.
 * 5) all around them, and I honetly hate to hear those| Should be "honestly".
 * 6) They'll whip you to death while they pierce your ears with the screaming in which you will only painfully hear| Considering the meaning is that you only hear one thing, this is a misplaced modifier. Re-word it to something like, "They'll whip you to death while they pierce your ears with the screaming the only thing you will painfully hear".
 * 7) by my house, looking through thr one-sided window| Should be "the".
 * 8) at least you have at least a little| Redundancy, maybe re-word it to, "At least you have an idea of what's happening..."

I like the plotline, the execution is lacking in my opinion. I found some clunky wording throughout.