Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29105568-20160801215402

I need your opinion. It says it didn't meet quality standards but I could really use some help here.

Story;

My heart remains to ache, my hand clenched. The stinging feeling in my palm from my bitten nails digging deep into my bare pale flesh.I felt light headed, being pulled down to the center of the Earth. Nothing would be going my way, not for a while now..Her delighted cheerful giggles echoed in my mind. The memory of her playing with her toys replayed in my head over and over again. The horrors of what could have happened kept me awake at night. I couldn't help but blame myself for everything.I kept reminding myself it was my fault. "She wouldn't be gone if it wasn't for you." was pinned to my mind.I shifted uncomfortably in my bed, twisting and turning to any position my weakened body would let me.But the sound of her filled the room. "Michael! Can we go outside, please? It finally stopped raining and I want to see if I can find a rainbow!""Mom said it was okay!""Michael! Come on! Pretty please?" Why did I even have to think about it? She always wanted to spend time with me..Why did I ignore her for my own selfish wants?She didn't deserve an ignorant jerk for a brother. I could feel my body fill with self-hatred, sorrow..I couldn't pity myself. I didn't feel worthy of so. 21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC) The morning sun was rising, blinding me with it's beams.I must've forgotten to close the curtains last night.It wasn't like I could sleep anyways, I didn't mind much the interruption.I looked over my shoulder as I stood up, just to remind myself that no one was there.I was so used to sharing the room with her, how she was always up so early playing with her doll.How she had tea parties with her, how she dressed her up.I used to think it was annoying, she was always waking me up with her conversations alongside the figurine, but somehow.. I missed it. I'd do anything just to hear her joyful voice again. I peaked at the desk table, which used to be covered in stacks of papers with nothing but her messy scribbles and "family portraits" and her crayons which were always broken in half because of how hard she pressed on them. It gave me a slight scare to see it so.. different. There was just a desk lamp and her doll, which was just gathering dust.It sat there, her legs under her and her hands on her lap.. just how she was left.The toy always bugged me, her big blue eyes that seemed to stare into my soul. I still remembered what she called her.. "Mariam".Her long blonde hair that was tangled from how my sister used to brush it so carelessly.It made me feel uneasy, she reminded me so much of her.. Perhaps it was why she liked her so much.I made a step closer towards the desk, just close enough to pick it up. My fingers slid along the ball joints on her body, which let her limbs bent however possible.My eyes quickly were drawn back to hers, they were awfully big to not notice..They were a dim honey eyes. Just like hers.. I couldn't stand to look at them anymore, how every detail just reminded me.. I looked around the desk just to grab a long black strip of silk. I placed the doll down on the desk and grabbed the fabric. I didn't stand to view her glare anymore. I wrapped the strip around her eyes, making sure not a bit of them was showing. Letting out a relieved sigh, I placed her back in her spot. I regret taking this thing home. But it comforts me.. I shifted my attention to the clock to check the time. I was surprised to see that it was only 6:53. The ticking of the clock echoed. I let out a low grunt before shuffling lowly back to bed. I threw myself onto the untidy bed and buried my sallow face into my moist pillow. The whole thing played back in my head. It felt too unreal for me, but the throbbing pain in my body brought me back to reality. I still remembered how it happened. How mom and dad decided to go on a trip, some vacation that was. They decided that was should go camping the local woods. We had been there a few times before for a family gathering but, nothing we knew too well. My sister wouldn't stop squeaking about it the whole week leading to it. She already packed her pink Hello Kitty suitcase that our parents got her for our last trip to Europe. My parents did like travelling a lot, but they mostly left my sister and I at home since she was so young and she would've probably been tired from moving so much all the time. When we were left at home, I would be in my room playing video games most of the time, not taking a split second out of pointless gaming to check in on her.. I was sure she was fine anyways. But since it was her first real camping trip, she was quite excited. She kept talking about it, on the ride home from school, when she's having breakfast she even talks about it to me before going to sleep. I really didn't care if we were going or not, but I thought it was cute she was so happy. It always made me crack a smile to see her so full of joy. It was so rare to see her upset. She was always so perky. It was a long car trip. She wouldn't stop talking about all the fun things she was going to do with Mariam once they got there. How excited she was to find bugs and pick pretty flowers. I never understood what she saw in that doll.. It was so strange.. I was sitting and playing phone apps on and old iPhone 4G. The battery didn't last long, as expected and I spent the rest of the time staring out the window. I just wanted to see what else there was in the world. Once we finally arrived she was quick to pop out of her seat and open the door. She ran as fast as her little legs could take her to a batch of wild flowers, she bent down to sniff them and picked one, hold it in her free hand. Mariam was held tightly in her other. I lazily crawled out of my seat, standing up and stretching my arms widely as I let out a loud yawn. I could hear my bones crack as they adjust. As sun set and the night rises, our parents quickly set up the tent. They had their own and my sister and I shared one. I didn't mind, really. I spent the rest of the time in the tent, my sister didn't want to get in just yet. "But Michaellll! Mariam said she saw some pretty birds!" I then heard her quickly sprint away from the tent. I shrugged it off and let her be. I sighed and curled up inside my rather warm sleeping bag. Thinking that she'll come back.. she will. 21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)Yamaixxx (talk) "Come on Mariam! Let's go check them out!" She said with a small smile on her innocent face, she always knew that whenever Mariam found something she liked, she would like it too! Mariam was given a tight squeeze in her gentle arms before skipping deeper into the into the woods. Following the sound of the birds, she attempted to seek them out. She felt a bit of disappointed when the noise faided, the chirping of the birds can no longer be heard. "Aw! Mariam.. I can't hear them anymore! Do you think there's any more birds?" She gave the toy a slight shake. Out of curiosity she continued her exploration. She was so surprised to see so many trees and so many flowers. But it was getting harder to seek them out as it was getting  darker.. darker.. dark. It was pitch black and without a source of light, she quickly lost sight of her tracks. "Mariam! I think we're lost.. I don't remember where we came from and it's really dark!" Her voice sounded worried, she was scared as well. She hasn't ever been alone outside before, especially not at night. "Michael!" She shouted, her eyes tearing up as she was beginning to lose hope. She kept trying to remind herself that her big brother would come help her. "Michael! I'm lost!" She repeated herself, a bit louder this time. She let out a soft whine as the cold breeze hit her. She wasn't dressed very warmly. She wore black shoes with a small heel and a strap that went over her foot. Some white socks that barely reached her knees. She had a large bow that was tucked in nicely behind her head. Lastly, a light pink dress with long sleeves. The dress reached her knees and it's skirt was pleated. "Oh Mariam! What will I do?!" She cried out. She was looking at her doll for answers but it stared back at her lifelessly. She ran to the closest tree she could find in the darkest of light and rested her back against it. She slid down along the tree and landed flat on her rear. She cradled the doll in her arms as she softly whispered. "It's okay." A second past before she heard a loud thump. It sounded like foot prints, they were getting closer to her. Each step louder than the last. "Mariam! I think Michael found us! I hear him!" She shouted with joy. She knew that Michael would come looking for her. No one responded. The foot prints continued. A low grunt could be heard, an unpleasant smell could be picked up by her. She quickly stood up before repeating herself once more. "Michael?.." She caught a glimpse of a tall man, his teeth were rotten, his eyes had a yellow tint. He moved quickly towards her, in a flash. His arms wrapped her fragile body and his hands were around her neck. She was too tried to scream for him to stop, I knew he wasn't Michael. Breathing felt like a chore, she was gasping for air, choking. She tried  yell for help, but nothing came out. Her body tried squirm out of his hold but the grip was too tight. His hand slipped into his back pocket just to pull out a small pocket knife, he held it to her neck before giving her one last look. "Don't hurt me.." She managed to choke out. Her dark brown eyes quickly closed, but the image of the male stained her mind. Before she knew it, she felt a warm liquid rush from her neck. A painful scratch along her pale skin. The fluid ran down to her dress, staining it. It was such a shame, it was her favorite dress too. Her light body was picked up by the figure, thrown over his shoulder and carried out from the spot. Blood continuing to gush from her neck. Her grip on the toy loosened, causing her to drop Mariam right next to the tree. "Mariam.." 21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)    Morning soon arrived and I could hear my parents screams and yelling for me to get out. My eyes opened with a bit of a struggle, I'm not the earliest bird. "W-What?.. What time is it?.." I murmured, turning my head to see if she was up. To my surprise, she wasn't there. I assumed she was standing outside the tent and shrugged it off. "She's missing! Michael, you were suppose to watch her, bloody hell she's gone!" My dad screamed, I could feel pain in his voice, the tears forming at the corner of his blood shot eyes. My eyes widened with shock, I couldn't believe it. I thought she would've came back to the tent.. Like she said she would. I quickly jumped out of my sleeping bag and ran out of the rather small hut and sprinted towards the large gathering of trees. "She went in the forest, I saw her leave! I know where she was!" I urged the others to follow me before running into the forest. I followed the path, I could spot the footprints of her shoes. They were small but they stood out in the mud and dirt. It led to a rather large redwood tree. All that left was her doll. "Mariam.." Escaped my lips. I bent down to reach it and grabbed the doll, holding it by the arm. I looked down at it, just to make contact with her painted on eyes. A chill ran down my back. I felt the doll call me. "It's okay." I felt her stare pierce through my shattered heart. It was the only thing I had left of her, To remind me of her. I could see the doll's lips curve into a delighted smile, the one I always saw on my sister. "Michael.." 21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC) Blood escaped with her mouth with every cough and hiccup, her hands gripping on the dark green grass, pulling at it as she tried to crawl. She let out a blood curdling scream, weakening her. She was gasping for air. "Mariam.. Help me.. Mariam.." She repeated over and over again. She was covered in bruises and cuts along her body. She could barely move but she tried to escape. He let out a low laugh as he watched the girl struggle to move. He knew she wouldn't get very far. Her body ached, it was quite swollen.. She could only imagine what will happen to her. 21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)21:54, August 1, 2016 (UTC)    The car ride home was so.. damaging. The police said they couldn't find her, they couldn't find any prints of her that we didn't find. I glanced back at the doll, it was still in my arms. I must've forgotten to given it in as evidence. I don't think the doll would've made any difference anyways. "Michael.. Help me Michael.." I heard a faint whisper, causing my heart to drop to my stomach. I must've been hearing things. I looked around but everyone was doing what they were. My mother was trying to hold back her sobbing, she was always a rather tough woman.. I admired her about that. But I knew she felt the same as I did. It was so unexpected. My dad was still shaking, I don't think it was the best of idea to let him drive. My head was hurting from everything. I was so sure she'd come back. She'd be playing with her toys again. She'd be back to laughing and smiling again. She'd be back to--

"Michael.." 