Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17758905-20150116185923/@comment-17758905-20150118165432

Mutterings wrote: Hello there Forestfleet :D

Now, first I would like to say that I enjoyed your story, despite being an individual who would be described as "sensitive to rape topics". I think you can be the one to explain to my puppy why he doesn't get an evening walk tonight ;) Also, I always hated fedoras, now I know why ;)

I agree with Umbrello, and I'm glad that you feel the same way.

Please don't feel disheartened by people pointing out "hiccups", there is never anything wrong with constructive criticism :)

"I was afraid this would look bland. Admittedly, it's not one of my best works, and I thought it was just an average idea." As I said; I liked it :) so perhaps just touch it up a bit more or let it sit for a while and come back to it later? :)

Now, as somewhat of a "Grammar Nut" I moved my focus to typos and sentence structure after seeing that you and Umbrello already discussed the main things I wished to point out. My suggestions are mainly concerned with awkward sentences which may cause the reader to trip up, but I mean only to provide assistance, I am not bashing you in any way :)

I shall now begin my dissection of your Pasta, I apologize if my delivery seems mechanical, I've proof-read a few too many academic pieces for my fiancé to be able to flavour it up as much any more XD

Ok, so this feels a little awkward; "I had took a shower" "Taken" works better than "took". Otherwise; "I took a shower".

This also stumbles slightly; "He wore a tan suit with a red tie and had on black pants." Remove "Had on", it makes that part less awkward :)

"This next incident takes a couple of weeks after my first time seeing the man." I feel this is a slightly awkward sentence, try adding the word "place", for example; "This next incident takes PLACE a couple of weeks after my first time seeing the man." otherwise try cutting the first part off; "A couple of weeks after my first time seeing the man." Either improves the sentence flow nicely :)

"About only a month ago was the last time I saw the man." Remove either "About" or "Only". In my opinion removing "only" works better.

"In fact, I was alerted of his presence when he shined it in my face." change "of" to "to".

"The sounds were beginning to coalesce as my fists threw themselves forward, as if ready to punch out something." This would work better if either "out" were removed, or if it were changed to "punch out AT something" it just improves the flow a little and removes the awkward feel of the sentence :)

That's all for my dissection of your story :) If you decide to review your piece further and post it please do let me know, I found this piece rather enjoyable and would love to see any future versions :D

Keep up the great work o/

Yeah, I was trying to remove run-ons and awkward sentences. It's actually hard for me to detect them even though I read the story out because, well, I tend to be an awkward and wordy speaker. So thanks for that.