Talk:The Blood Keeper/@comment-25042659-20140609153754

There was a nice idea to this, an unusual ritual to be stumbled upon and a time loop concept. But the narrator's "voice" just killed it for me. He comes across as just completely unsufferable. Really arrogant and unnatural. Saying things like they became "instant professional ghosthunters" for example. A- what the heck does he think that means? B- give us an example. All we know he did in these cemetaries is throw rocks and freak out. C- It sounds like the WRITER does not know what ghosthunting actually is to the "pros" since he never describes it.

It's a classic example of the cardinal sin of telling instead of SHOWING. This narrator talks a lot about what he does, instead of doing it. Show him hanging out with friends. Show him trying to investigate. Fear is created through connection with the character, and if the character just summarizes a lot we don't connect with him. We don't believe him, and start to find him a bit of a blowhard. Nobody, however erudite they think they are, actually talks like this guy does, especially since he's apparantly under 21.

Someone else mentioned the constant "asides" being a problem. That's another example of this problem. There's no sense of immediacy here, and it makes the narrator seem smug that while in fear for his life he's making little jokes instead of letting us know what he's doing, hearing, smelling, feeling.

The little we do know about the character makes little sense. He's under the dirnking age, so he should be working or in school, but this is never mentioned at all as he complains of how to fill his weekends and weekdays. He has no interest in drinking, which somehow leaves only cemetaries. It feels forced and unnatural again. He also says things like "The light I had seen was not a light at all, but what looked like several oil lamps." You mean the LIGHT from oil lamps? A small mistake, but things like that combined with bad sentance structure make the narrator seem a bit of a blowhard who doesn't know what he's talking about.

There's an old writer's workshop adage: a good writer can convince you that hobbit's exist within that stories universe. A bad writer can't convince you that John has a crush on Mary. This is a good example of it.

I know this is a long review, but I think this author has potential if he can develop more of a voice. But it's not PotM material to me.