Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180824132506/@comment-35911608-20180824150758

BloodySpghetti wrote: RedNovaTyrant wrote: Ehhhh, no.

I'll just start by saying that this needs a massive proofread - I stopped counting very early in how many errors I saw.

Now I love the Seven Deadly Sins. I'm a sucker for them. This... wasn't that interesting. I like the idea of an all-knowing local wise man telling someone about the seven deadly sins in their life. But this was like being lectured to. I had to start reading faster and skipping some parts once I got to the story of Daedalus. I know not everyone would know that story, but it went on for waaayyy too long. If you're going to cover all seven sins - which, actually, this story only went for five? - you gotta trim it down. Otherwise, the reader will catch on very quickly, and then you're just waiting and waiting for the reveal that "oh, this person's sin is _____!" When I was skipping, I didn't miss a thing, because it was all built up to exactly what I was expecting.

I will say that I liked the twist of how Larry is revealed to be one of the men, it's much nicer that straight introducing him. But I didn't really feel like his anger was well written - that and his murderous nature really flew out of nowhere. If you revealed that Larry had accidentally or previously murdered someone, that might make it more believable that he'd do that. Have Larry be the killer of one of the women, not Nicholas. Make Nicholas commit a drunken sexual assault if his sin is to be lust, get rid of the murder - that way, the reader has a little more compassion for Nicholas when he gets Negan'd by Lawrence. (I'm not saying sexual assault makes you look good, I'm saying that removing the murder makes Lawrence look worse in comparison if HE'S a murder.)

Yeah, I know you said it was awful in the note. I guess you're looking for feedback on how to make the story work. Well, hopefully this can be some starting food for thought :)

Also... why is there a link to the same story at the end..? Hmmm I see, you do have some valid points. There are Seven of them though, Sloth being Depression (because it was originally composed from Sadness and another one if I'm not wrong and because depression makes you lazy to life) and I see why you missed on Gluttony... Yeah... this could use some work.

I actually posted it just so I could see people's opinions, it's currently kind of obsure for a reason, might fix it later, might not, we'll see. For now I have some other hell related ideas :) Good stuff. And I may have missed them, but Rowan only says the fifth monster with Rosie, unless I really didn’t pay attention and three of them were combined into one.