Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20160128235749/@comment-26112985-20160206201220

MrDupin wrote: " “Shut that door Peter. We have a lot to talk about.” She ordered. " - 'She' shouldn't be capitalized.

"It was decided that we were be entering the war" - There's something wrong with 'we were be'.

There's a technical issue when Peter is telling his story. You need to put a quotation mark in front of every paragraph he is telling. Also, you don't close the quotations on every paragraph. Just on the last one. Like this:

"And I, Jack, the Pumpkin King, I grow so weary of the sound of screams. There's a place inside of these bones, that calls for something unknown.

"Release me know or you will face the dire consequences, the children are awaiting me, please, come to your senses."

See how it works?

"(it was the closest he could get to a filet knife,)" - Put the comma outside the parenthesis.

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This was nicely written and the plot flowed smoothly. Peter and Kevin are fleshed out superbly, and in a story certained around characters it's a huge plus. Peter's struggle was portrayed in a very realistic manner and at times made me feel sympathetic about him. Personally though, I feel like you could have done more with the struggle. It's nice as it is, but it could have been more powerful. Maybe Peter once knew a kid just like Kevin, or something.

I liked the scary story within a scary story thing and how everything resolved in the end. Even though the ultimate ending was predictable, it was still suspenseful as I was unsure of Kevin's end.

All in all, I enjoyed this very much. Well done. I'm glad you enjoyed the story! All the technical and grammar issues have been cleaned up. As for the problem with Peter's inner struggle, I once mentioned that Peter could relate to Kevin in the sense that he too had grown up in an environment of at least partial neglect. I'm going to try to expand on that a little. Thanks for your help!