Cooking with Irene

Hi! Are you the new babysitter? That's cool. I think I'm too old for a babysitter, but whatever. It's better than being by myself I guess.

Oh, hey, look! It's almost time for my favorite show. You want to watch it with me? It's not one of those stupid kids’ shows. I'm a lot smarter than other kids. I like to learn grownup stuff. That's why my favorite show is a cooking show. I always learn something new when I watch it.

It's called Cooking with Irene. Irene is this really awesome lady. She's old and she has white hair and she reminds me of my Nana. My Nana died last year, but Irene is nice like she was. You'll see. She wears an apron and everything. She says it’s really important to wear an apron when you cook because you can sometimes get really messy. Irene gets messy all the time. It's pretty funny.

What channel? No, silly. It's not on the TV. It's on the computer. My mom and dad let me use the computer pretty much as much as I want because I learn stuff on there. They said it will help me in school. I guess it does. I don't really know. But that's where Irene's show is.

At the beginning of every episode, she says, "Hello, everyone, it's Irene here." And then she thanks us all for watching and for coming back again and again. And I guess people give her money and stuff because she thanks us for donations. And then, she gets all excited and says, "Let's get cooking!"

So then these guys come out, right? They're like her assistants or whatever. They're big guys with really serious faces all the time. They don't really talk or do anything except what Irene tells them. And these guys bring on all of the "ingredients." That's what Irene calls them. They're people. Sometimes guys, sometimes ladies. They're all tied up and have their mouths covered. They always look really scared. I think it's because they know what's about to happen.

So these guys bring them on and they put each one in a different "cooker." That's what Irene calls the chairs that she uses. She puts a thing down on each ingredient's head. It looks like one of those metal bowls my Nana had. That's another thing that reminds me of her. She would make me cake using those bowls. I miss her cake.

So then, when each of the ingredients is in one of the cookers, Irene turns back to the camera and says, "Vote now!" And you see the three choices with the numbers of votes adding up under each one. After a while, someone will get the most votes and then Irene will say, "Excellent choice!" or something like that. And then, she walks over to the one that got the most votes and tells them they've won. No one ever seems happy to be the winner.

Next, she flips a switch and they get cooked. That's always my favorite part. They shake and move all crazy. There's smoke and sometimes fire. I love it. Irene says it always smells so good in there. I wish I could smell it. I bet it smells like my Nana's kitchen used to on Thanksgiving.

Anyway, when the person's done cooking, Irene tells her assistants to bring out the dogs. That's one of the coolest things about this show, I think. Irene doesn't cook for people. She cooks for dogs! The assistants bring out two really big dogs on chain leashes and they hold them steady until Irene gives the signal. When she yells for the dogs to be released, they run and jump all over the cooked ingredient. They tear the person to little pieces. It’s really cool! You can see all the blood and stuff. And I think you can see muscles, too. Sometimes even guts. The uncooked ingredients always wiggle around when the dogs are eating. Sometimes, they get bitten, too. It’s always neat when that happens. See, I do learn a lot from this show. It’s how I learned that dogs eat people!

The sad part is that, after the dogs eat, the show is pretty much all over. Irene says "Thanks for watching," and if we know of any fresh ingredients she should use to let her know. I really wish it was longer. Oh well, I guess.

What's the matter? You look all funny. You're not going to call me a liar, are you? I hate it when people call me a liar. That's what the last babysitter did. So I told Irene she should use her as an ingredient. It was cool because Irene wrote back real quick and asked me where she lived. I told her and she must have liked her because my mom and dad couldn't get a hold of her this week to stay with me. That's why you're here.