Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25012337-20140531211538/@comment-24821182-20140601054806

I don't think the story was well-written at all.

You skip between past tense and present tense constantly and for no reason; you should pick one and stick with it. You forget to add commas at the end of a piece of dialogue when it's followed up by he said, he explained, etc. You also forget to put thoughts in cursive to distinguish them from spoken dialogue.

You misspell some words (helmelts and humours?), and a lot of the phrasing is just weird, "Is it just me or am I the only one who heard a man shouting?", "You'll see now how bad it is to don't follow me..."

There's also a formatting error with one of the lines.

Finally, there's way too much unnecessary exposition given. The bit near the end, where Marco tells the story of how he became the invisible man, seems like a last-minute patch to make sense of the story. Why does he need to tell Fernando their own father's name, exactly? I also find it absolutely insane that Fernando chooses to stay with his monster serial killer brother.

I could point to more plot-related and grammatical errors, but I'll leave this for now and simply tell you that this story needs some serious editing. As it is now, it doesn't meet the quality standards.