Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25203927-20140721043023/@comment-10950063-20140721045723

This has a ton of problems.

First, yeah, spelling and grammar. A lot of problems in a really short story. Spelling, punctuation, capitalization. Not to mention messed up wording ( but I "it" is spirit ). People can't edit your forum post. You need to fix these things yourself. If you don't know how, then nicely ask. Don't just say, "Hey, fix this for me!" Even then, you should be able to at the very least run a spellcheck on this. A lot of the things wrong are extremely basic. You clearly haven't looked over this at all. Take some responsibility for your own work. These issues are severe enough that this would be deleted immediately.

But that's not all there is.

The premise makes no sense. Why is this nurse just making random journal entries throughout the day? Nurses are pretty busy people. Why would one take the time to write something as pointless as, "We're really busy"? When dealing with a patient, why would one stop and write about dealing with the patient.

A guy gets hit by a semi, is talking nonsense and a trained medical professional assumes he must be crazy. It couldn't be that he just got hit by a massive truck and isn't thinking straight.

All these entries are incredibly weak. There's no description, there's nothing to them. Suddenly four doctors are dead. There's no build-up to that. Again, someone is after the main character and he stops write in his journal. Then he writes about how he hears a scream. Why is he stopping?

"Ok ifound a place" what does this mean? What place?

Why doesn't the character call security? How does he discern that it's a spirit at the center of this? Why does he jump to possession. Literally, nothing in this story makes sense. Why is John telling us his name? What does it matter? What does it matter that they're best friends? Why would the spirit specifically target James? How does he die?

There's no story here. I mean, there is, kind of, but barely.

This needs a ton of work.