Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26577236-20150706012911/@comment-26512885-20150709011056

I think the main think that needs adressing here is the generous lashings of elipsis this story has been given. Elipsis, when used sparingly and in the right situation, can be an effective tool when building tension. However your overuse of elipsis makes your story seem childish. Your story would benifit greatly from the removal of mostof the elipsis and replacing them with interesting and varied description.

I also, although dont quote me on this, think a pretty similar pasta has been written before. I'll get back to you on this point.