Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25036236-20140617195343/@comment-25558572-20140624224234

Don't take my criticism as being rude or mean or uncalled for. I can gurantee you it is none of the above. You put this here to get feedback, and here's what I have to say about it.

1. You obviously haven't listened to ImGonnaBeThatGuy's advice. The entire first paragraph is literally just a bland description of events that are glossed over with very little description or emotion and using vague, boring language. You won't decribe what the mother felt like when she realized her baby was dead? You just say that Jenny's mother treated her with '0% of love'.

''You have to be specific. ''Give examples of how Jenny's mother treated her with no love. Show us what Jenny started doing with her time to give us a better idea of how she felt.

2. You have not taken my advice about insanity. A person does not suddenly go insane on one day, even if they've been through the most traumatizing events. Insanity happens over years, and while surprising events such as physical attackc come suddenly, the 'she finally went insane' phrase is ridiculous. It should be removed entirely.

3. The story overall is very weak. It bored me to read it because there is little here that I haven't seen before. The dialogue between the mother and Jenny is exasperating and shallow and frankly turned off any positive thoughts I have had about this pasta. I will give you that dialogue is difficult to write, but you need to try a lot harder, especially with a sensitive issue like child abuse. (Which, I say once more, is NOT a mother yelling at her teenaged daughter.)

4. There are still a handful of grammar and punctuation errors, and while it's more readable than most first-or-second pasta writers put here, you still need to proofread it. ''Do not seperate a single sentence from a paragraph for dramatic effect. It doesn't work, it's ineffective and lazy.''

Your biggest problem is the lack of details that you actually showed. A great deal of this story relied on single-sentence, bland descriptions. The entire first paragraph told us everything without showing anything. You may consider removing it entirely or shortening it- remember to not include any details that are not vital or valuable to the story.

I apologize if I may sound too harsh here, I know this is only your second time writing a creepypasta, but you need to try much harder. Read other pastas, start reading a new novel or short story, and practice writing things you don't have to post here. I would rewrite this entirely if it was my work.