Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190813084030/@comment-9041013-20190813233605

I didn't expect this one to be ready so soon. You keep surprising me Doctor. I like that!

Interesting take on the afterlife, where it's a bit of all in one; where there a single God yet the system comes off as Polytheistic. "The Queen of Heaven" here felt a lot like Ashera, Hera and Ishtar. Heaven and Hell are not exactly divided. They are in fact one and the same. It's all a single plain of existence. They are the Sheol. That's a nice take, definitely has some classic myth taste to it. Good job with the characterisation.

I'll say this, I like how the Archbishop isn't exactly marking out for his vision of heaven "Oh shit, this is how I anticipated it!" or is completely and utterly confused, "ugh... what's... ugh... going on...?" He knows he's somewhere in the afterlife, he was expecting this. He was truly a believer. Good, however, his mistrust for his situation is a little lacking, somehow, I think, you should add some sort of doubt or worry on his part.

Also, I think you should give "Mary" some of her more probable attributes. Have her be a first century Jew (who might be dressed in fancy clothes from the classic antiquity) named "Miriyam", or have her go by some nickname. I think it's kind of obvious who Mary is in the divine kingdom.

The punishment of Walsh is pretty original and neat, and fucking painful. Being made into a half living statue is a probably awful. Not to mention the burn injuries... Bloody hell. You could make it appear more colorfully painful, you're good with language and unique phrasing.

"Manly bits" should go, you can come up with something better, I mean "holy scepter" was a great way to descibe a describe.

Maybe don't mention Walsh's need to atone for whatever at the beginning, it would make the sudden twist less obvious. It was clear, but your writing still made it fun to anticipate, I was interested to see what will happen to the lad more so than I was shocked to find out he was getting the shaft.

Also, I'd like to believe that "stealing the innocence from children" isn't as literal as it sounds. What if he was a corrupt communal "politician" who drove people into the dirt, or perhaps dabbled in trafficing people, or maybe took part in some terrorist organization that used children. You're better than to use vengeance or pedophilia as "the big bad" reasoning.

This has a good base, but it could use some tweaking.