Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29454058-20161031160210/@comment-24101790-20161113192011

Overly complex/run-on sentences: "I was awakened by the sound of screeching car tyres and muffled music playing in the distance, I climbed out of my warm, comfy bed and headed to my window, the glass had frosted over, as I wiped the frost away I was greeted by the blizzard just outside my window and the glare of the headlights as a car came speeding by my house and into the night, as the unmistakable sound of DFG's latest CD, faded away", "Fighting trough the snow, just off in the distance, a dark figure came into focus, just laying there, it became clear that there was a person laying by the side of the road and I began to speed up slightly, working up to a slow jog to where the person was lying, but as I got closer I recognised who it was laying on the ground, long brown hair, soft, pale skin, a black dress with a single white stripe down the left-hand side that I had seen her wearing in many pictures, the woman laying on the ground... it was... my mother.", etc.

Spelling: "Fighting trough (through) the snow, just off in the distance", "a huge oak tree in the left hand side section with a tire (tyre as you used the English spelling style earlier in the story) swing hanging", etc.

Capitalization: "and... Waking (waking) me up from what is easily the worst dream I've ever had in my life.", "The last time I recalled seeing it snow was... In (in) that God awful dream... Then this morning Rodger didn't have a clue who I was", etc. Remember ellipses signify a pause or commission of words. The words proceeding an ellipsis should only be capitalized if they're a proper noun or a new sentence. "She's in there" I muttered to myself, "My (my) mum alive and she's just on the other side of that door!"

"from Where Is The Best Place To Try The Glass Method and Questions About Jumps to Feel Like I'm "Home" and It Worked." The thread titles should probably be in quotations or italics to differentiate them from the rest of the story.

A lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation. "I thought to myself, quite puzzled, "and I could have sworn I hung this up last night(.)"", " I've been up most of the night with some sort of sickness bug(. Also sickness bug is a bit of an awkward phrase)"", ""It's Alex" I responded", ""Alex Clark, from sales(.)"", ""Okay, not a problem" the woman replied "Are they for her? Do you want me to take them?" she asked, looking at the flowers,", etc.

A lot of your dialogue ends improperly. ""Where did that snow come from on my coat?" I pondered,(.)", ""Well thanks a lot, buddy, I posted here to ask for help and you are just rude!" I replied,(.)", "No sooner had I pressed the "send" button, the page refreshed and I was greeted with another message,", "Question after question went rushing through my mind, I couldn't take it any longer, I put my key in the ignition but my car wouldn't start,(.)", "Damn weather!" I shouted, hitting the steering wheel,(.)", etc.

Story issues: Starting with the basics, I would avoid mentioning creepy pasta within a creepy pasta. ("I was browsing the internet one night looking for some new CreepyPasta to listen to when I came across a channel") It tends to break immersion and often comes off like pandering, especially since the fact that protagonist reads these stories has little impact on the story.

Story issues cont.: To drive home the impact of the protagonist pursuing this alternate reality, I would drive home their loss. Make them as relatable as possible so when scenes like the person on the thread telling them to leave comes up, it feels more organic that the protagonist would refuse. I like how they inadvertently cause the death at the end, but I think it needs to go a little further to drive home the pathos of the situation.

A final note: Feel free to read my story: I Was Fourteen When I First Killed Myself which has a similar premise if you're looking for an alternate take on a similar premise.