How to Cook a Soft-Boiled Egg

You will need:

2 eggs

2 egg cups

Water

A potato peeler

Your oldest book

The Towel

Bread for toast (recommended)

Cook Time: 5-25 minutes

Step 1: Remember that you don't have any eggs.

Step 2: Go to the corner bodega to get some eggs. You will want to stop at Old Man Hummock's Home Goods Store, but don't do that.

Step 3: Remember that you don't have any money.

Step 4: Wait for Yan to start ringing up Laney McBride's lottery tickets.

Step 5: Go to the back of the bodega where the off-brand Cheetos are on display and knock a jar of salsa onto the floor. This will cause the sleeping cat to run outside, which is essential, because the cat knows you're here.

Step 6: Steal the eggs, preferably Eggland's Best Land O' Lakes Large White, but any will do.

Step 7: Snag a loaf of bread on your way out, because you will think you have some, but you want to be sure.

Step 8: Return to your kitchen. Don't even THINK about looking at Old Man Hummock's Home Goods Store.

Step 9: Fill a small saucepan about 3/4s of the way full with tap water. If the water is rust-colored and smells like rotting grassroots, that's okay. You won't be eating the shell. It's what's on the inside that counts.

Step 10: Set the saucepan on the stove and turn the heat on high. You want the water to boil.

Step 11: Plug in your toaster. You will realize at this point that you did not grab a loaf of bread at the bodega, but a fistful of straws. This is okay.

Step 12: Unplug the toaster.

Step 13: Grab the oldest book you can find. If it's a 17th Century edition of Don Quixote, great! If it's John Green's A Fault in Our Stars, that's okay, too.

Step 14: When the water boils, set it to simmer and gently coax 2 eggs into the pot.

Step 15: Set your timer for 5 minutes.

Step 16: Open your book to any page with text. The center works best.

Step 17: Stand over the book with your potato peeler. Scrape the potato peeler along your body until something shaves off onto the book. It might take a while, but keep at it.

Step 18: Close the book.

Step 19: Ding! That's the timer! Turn off the heat and drain the water from the pot.

Step 20: Think about what he did.

Step 21: Pour cool water over the eggs.

Step 22: Think about what he did.

Step 23: Drain the cool water from the pot.

Step 24: Place The Towel on a flat surface with your bloodstains facing up.

Step 25: Place the book, straws, and egg cups on The Towel. If you don't have egg cups, then shot glasses or broken lightbulbs will do just fine. Lift The Towel 's corners and tie them together, creating a secure bundle.

Step 26: Unhinge your jaw and place the eggs in your mouth. If your jaw cannot unhinge on its own, try using pliers to widen the space between the mandible and maxilla, or use scissors to cut through the Masseter muscle.

Step 27: With your Towel sack and mouth of eggs, make your way to Old Man Hummock's Home Goods Store.

Step 28: Open the book on the lawn. You will notice stains where your peeled flesh melted into the pages. This is the color your eyes would be if you were allowed to properly die.

Step 29: With your mouth full of eggs, recite all stained words backwards. Don't worry about pronunciation. It's an A for Effort!

Step 30: You will hear a scream from inside Old Man Hummock's Home Goods Store. This is exactly who you think it is. Enter the store with all possessions and follow the growing pool of blood to the shower curtains. You will see him on the floor, speared through with a shower rod. (The police will rule this as an accident.) Don’t be afraid of approaching the body. Unlike you, he has been allowed to fully cross over – but don't worry, you won't see him again!

Step 31: Scoop some of his blood into your egg cups, filling each about halfway.

Step 32: Place an egg in each egg cup.

Step 33: Traditionalists will balk at us here, but we swear by our method! Stab a straw into each egg. And if you’re still worried about the toast, hang tight. We've got plenty to spare. :)

Step 34: Drink from each straw.

Step 35: Cross over into the Land of the Dead and enjoy your nutritious breakfast treat!