Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25974113-20150424073407/@comment-25037895-20150424104245

Here's what I noticed:
 * (1)[best friend ,Edward, didn't] should be: [best friend, Edward, didn't].


 * (2)[finger tapped hard again the mouse] misspelling: [finger tapped hard against the mouse].


 * (3)['New Post'.] this should be in quotes, even using the British style, single quotation marks are for inner-dialogue only.


 * (4)[I take a double take at him.] repetition of take, edit to something different, like maybe: [I do a double take at him.]


 * (5)[me, but just...there!] revised: [me, but just... there!]


 * (6)[If we did found the box] wrong word: [If we did find the box].


 * (7)[I haven't don't anything to him] again, wrong word: [I haven't done anything to him].


 * (8)[high school and hang out a lot.'] extra punctuation: [high school and hang out a lot.]


 * (9)['I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my friend, but I'm going to try to take pics of the creatures and talk to Xion.'] needs to be in regular quotation marks.


 * (10)[Edward explained vexed at her insistence.] missing a comma: [Edward explained, vexed at her insistence.]


 * (11)[how could he just except Xion's] wrong word: [how could he just acccept Xion's].


 * (12)[A very large green dog gave an] missing comma: [A very large, green dog gave an].


 * (13)[gazed at its long bared fangs] comma: [gazed at its long, bared fangs].

With regards to description, I feel like the story needs more elaborate details. I think the story just drags on with no real action. It could be the word choice, but more likely the story needs something to happen. Finding a box and talking about it on the internet dragged on for too long. It needs an interesting twist, or an unexpected moment. The story is not suspenseful.