User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Eyeless Jack

Riff number 4, the third made today. Now, I said in an earlier post that I would stop posting today. Well, I wanted to get one last thing in. That thing is the Riff of "Eyeless Jack." Now, there's something I should mention about all the pastas I've Riffed so far: none of them are on the Creepypasta Wiki anymore. Yet these are the stories that most people associate with Creepypasta. (Note: I'm not talking about "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?") Granted, these stories are crap, but still. At the very least, having them on here would make my life easier. Oh well.

Anyway, there's a few things I have to say about the pasta before the Riff can commence. First, it's actually pretty short. While "Jeff the Killer" was 6 or 7 pages on Microsoft Word, and "Jane the Killer: The Real Story" was 8, this one was 1 page. Even "Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?" was longer than "Eyeless Jack" (it was 2 pages, if anyone's curious.). Also, I've never considered "Eyeless Jack" a crappy Creepypasta. A Crappypasta, if you will. Of course, I only read it once before, back when I was young and naïve to the ways of good Creepypastas. Of course, reading, analyzing, and Riffing it, I realize that this story is, in fact, crap. Not as bad as "Jeff the Killer" though; "Eyeless Jack" knows how to use tenses and doesn't have many spelling or grammar errors. Also, it's short, so the suffering isn't as lengthy. But it's still crap. And now it's time to Riff this Crappypasta.

Hello, my name is Mitch. Hi, Mitch. I’m here to tell you guys about an experience I had. "This experience opened my eyes to my sexuality." I don’t know if it was paranormal or whatever stupid words people use to describe supernatural phenomena, The words people use today to describe it are “alien chimichanga robot cats.” People are weird. but after that thing Ben Grimm visited you? visited me, I believe in that paranormal trash, now. “But I don’t believe in those paranormal recyclables.”

A week after I moved in with my brother, Edwin, after my house was foreclosed, I finished unpacking. Took you long enough. Edwin liked the idea of me moving in, since we had not seen each other after 10 years, “and he was madly in love with me,” so I was excited, too. I soon fell asleep after I moved in. “It was Jeff’s advice to do that.” After that 1 week, I heard rustling noises coming from outside at about one in the morning. ''“Ugh. Damn supernatural entities. They won’t let me sleep.” I thought it was a raccoon, so I ignored Yes, you ignored.'' and tried to fall asleep. The next morning, I told Edwin about it, and he agreed. ''Agreed with what? That it was a raccoon? That you should’ve slept?'' The next night, however, I thought I heard my window opening and a loud thump, as if something entered my room. ''“Fuck! I knew I should've had eyes!” Eyeless Jack said.'' I darted up and looked around my room, but I saw nothing. Slender Man, stop trolling people. The next morning, Edwin dropped his coffee cup when he saw me. And it was his favorite coffee cup, too. He held up a nearby mirror and I saw myself. I looked fabulous! I had a large gash in my left cheek. Well, chicks dig scars.

After I was rushed to the hospital, my doctor told me that I must have been sleepwalking, but then he showed me something that made my blood turn cold. “It’s our visual blood cooler!” the doctor said. He lifted up my shirt Um, are we getting into XXX territory here?  to reveal a sewn up incision where my kidneys were. I started ''You started into his eyes? You just walked into his eyes?'' in his eyes, my eyes widening. “You somehow lost your left kidney last night. We don’t know how, though. Sorry, Mitch.” my doctor told me. ''I love how the doctor just says, “Sorry, Mitch.” Like he accidentally forgot to give him something. And how come the doctor isn’t curious about how Mitch randomly lost his left kidney? I think that would be a big deal. ''

The next night was my breaking point. ''His breaking point is plotted at (3,4). Huh. A math joke. I guess you can use math in real life. Who knew?'' Around midnight, I woke up to see a truly horrifying sight. ''Oh no, shirtless William Shatner! Shield your eyes!'' I was staring face to face with a creature with a black hoodie and dark blue mask with no nose or mouth staring down at me. ''Question: why do weird killers wear hoodies? Jeff, Eyeless Jack, seriously, what’s with that?'' The thing that scared me the most was that it had no eyes. ''So an eyeless creature carefully removes your kidney and sewed you back up? Wow, Eyeless Jack is pretty talented.'' Just empty, black sockets. The creature also had some black substance dripping from it’s sockets. I grabbed the camera nearby on a mantel and took a picture. ''In other words, this is where the picture in the pasta came from. In all defense, at least they tried explaining the picture here. Jeff couldn’t be bothered to do that.'' After the picture took, the creature lunged at me and tried to claw open my chest to get to my lungs. ''That's what you get for using the flash. Also, how do you know it was your lungs? Maybe it was your heart. Maybe Eyeless Jack literally wants to steal your heart. Jack, you romantic you.'' I stopped it by kicking it in the face. “Ow, my eyeholes!” As I ran out of my room, I grabbed my wallet. I would need the money. I ran out of my brother’s house into the night. “As it turned out, I was being followed by Shia LeBouf.” I eventually ended up in the woods near Edwin’s house and tripped on a rock. You, sir, are a failure.

I fell unconscious and woke up in the hospital. “Honestly, this wasn’t the weirdest place I’ve ever woken up.” My doctor entered the room. The same one who treated me before. Well, yeah, since he’s your doctor. “I have good news and bad news, Mitch.” my doctor started into your eyes!. “The good news is that you had minor injuries, and your parents are going to pick you up.” I sighed with relief. “The bad news is I’m pregnant, and you’re the father!” “The bad news is that your brother has been killed by some… thing. Sorry.” ''This doctor has really crappy bedside manner. “Oh, my patient had his kidney removed and his brother was killed. Sorry.” Also, how does the doctor know what killed him? I mean, he doesn’t know exactly what it was, but he knows it wasn’t a suicide, or a stab wound or whatever. It’s like the doctor knows something weird killed Edwin.''

My parents took me back to Edwin’s house to collect my remaining belongings, which I did. I didn’t want anyone accidentally discovering my back issues of Playboy. Upon entering my room, I was scared, but remained calm. I grabbed my camera then stopped dead in my tracks. ''“Literally, I died. The end.” Wait…'' In the hallway leading to my room, I saw Edwin’s body and something small lying next to it. I have a hard time believing police would let them into the house if Edwin’s body was still there. I picked up the small thing and entered my parent’s car, not mentioning Edwin’s corpse. ''So they don’t know that Edwin’s corpse is still there? Actually, why is it still there? Shouldn’t it be taken by the police, and then have an autopsy performed on it? Why do bad Creepypasta stories have no idea how the police work?'' I looked at the thing I had picked up and nearly vomited. I was holding my stolen half-eaten kidney, with some black substance on it. Well, now you can put it back.

Well, that's my Riff of "Eyeless Jack", the character who started the whole "weird eyes" trend, I think. Or no eyes. To be honest, no eyes aren't scary, they're inspiring. "Oh no, something wants to kill me! Well, at least it has no eyes, so I'm safe." Just saying.

Anyway, what do you folks think? Did you think it was at all funny? Or do you think eye should stop doing this? Heh, get it? Eye, Eyeless Jack? Yeah, I'll stop now.