Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25081810-20150521214956/@comment-25081810-20150522013530

Punkfaye wrote: Cloned Gamer wrote: Something has happened to our bodies.

Something...indescribable...incredible

In our brains? Our DNA?

I don’t know

But I know one thing

We’re different

Powerful

Viral

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-Tory Brennan, “Virals” <span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Kathy Reichs

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Beep!

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Click!

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The alarm clock in my small room goes off and I press the shut-off button in a sleep-induced drunkenness. As I would say: “I can’t feel my anything”. I groggily get out of my bed and stare out the window. “Ethan!” my mom calls from downstairs “I need you to get ready, the bus comes in five minutes!” I glance at the clock. 7:50! I rush to stuff on my shirt and pants and run downstairs, grabbing my backpack on the way.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I hop on the bus just as it’s about to leave. Me and my friends always sit together on the bus, just chilling. Their names are Aaron and Cameron. We were chatting about Cam supposedly having seen something in the woods behind the school. “Oh really?” Aaron snorted.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Yeah! I swear on my own life!” Cam replied.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Hand me the knife Ethan” Aaron said. I was in agreement with him, I doubted anything was in those woods other than Deer, Squirrels, Raccoons and maybe a few Wolves.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Fine! I’ll show you it!” Cam said. Aaron rolled his eyes but said he wanted to see the “nonexistent” thing. We decided to go the next Saturday.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I wake up to...nothing. No noise at all. Then I remember, it’s Saturday. Which means it’s time to disprove Cam. I begin the decently long walk to the school. After crossing two layers of train tracks and five roads, along with at least ten different turns, I’m there. “Hey Ethan, ready to show Cam that he's dreaming?” Aaron says as he runs up to me. I roll my eyes. And we meet Cam on the end of the field behind the school. We cross a small stream and trudge to the end of the forest.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Shall we?” I say.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Ladies first” Cam replies. I shake my head in a ‘I can’t believe you just said that’ sort of way.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">We’ve been trudging in the forest for a solid two-and-a-half hours, and still haven’t seen anything. That is, until I trip on a tree root and land on something metal. I stand up, clutching my nose. “What was that?!” I whisper-shouted.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Aaron shrugs and Cam begins to dig. “Guys, you might want to see this” Cam says. Oh..the clichès! But I took a look. It’s a small metal trap door, with a rusted lock. I tug at the look, and it comes out with ease. I smile.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">“Ladies first!” I say and nudge Cam towards the door. I follow him and that Aaron takes the back. We come out in what appears to be some sort of hidden testing lab. A flickering red light is in the center of the room, a disabled alarm system. We begin to explore, looking at the corpses of dead test subjects (poor doggy...) and other strange things, until we find one room that looks different. This one is filled with glass tubes that go from floor to ceiling. They each have different colored liquids. One blue one has the name “Liquid Oxygen”. The rest of the labels are scratched off by something or just flat out rusted over.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The thing I'm guessing scratched them was the dead wolf in the corner. We walk forward and look around the room. To bad I didn’t see the cable running through the center of the room. I tripped and fell, turning in circles before hitting my head on the back of a testing tube. Only I heard the shattering of glass, and only I felt the pressure building up.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Cam runs to me to help me up, but that's when I can’t hold it back anymore. My head lurches forward, and the yellow liquid comes spilling out all over me and Cam, Aaron can do nothing but stand in shock. I scream. Cameron groans. Aaron goes wide-eyed. I close my eyes, the strange substance pouring down on me. It gives me a sense of calm now that the adrenaline passed.] <span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> When I open my eyes, my vision is lined by glowing, blood red lights.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I look at Cameron. His eyes are glowing crimson. Our skin has turned a deep grey. I see Aaron running away. I quickly tackle him. Quicker than any Human possibly could. Which meant we’re not human anymore. Thats when the urge comes on. I don’t fight it. I let it consume me. And I consume Aaron. I snap my jaws at him, eventually taking off a whole chunk of his head. I spit the flesh and brain matter to the side while he screams in agony. I move on to the other organs. I plunge my grey hand into his chest, and pull out half a rib cage, a lung, a liver, and both intestines. I throw them away as well. Next the heart. Then the kidneys. By this point the struggling has stopped. I stand up and look at Cameron. “Good Job” he says, smiling. We walk out of the lab, past Aarons bloody corpse, which no one will ever find.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">We made our way into the town, making sure to keep hidden. I’m not sure what they would call us or do to us if they found us, but I dont want to find out. I drop to my knees and snake though a small bushell, before spotting it. The poster. It read “Missing!” and then our names. Including Aaron’s. I almost smile. “They don’t know he's dead” I whisper to Cameron. He smiles, something he used to never do, now he did it all the time. A crazed smile that screamed “I’m insane!”.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I assumed my new smile looked the same. I drew the butcher knife I had taken from a Aaron's house’s kitchen, while his parents were out. A man came walking along the road. He wore a stained white shirt and grey jogging pants. Our target. I nodded to Cameron, who smiled yet again, and jumped the man. He tried to scream in protest, but was quickly silenced by Cameron’s hand. I ran up and quickly threw the knife into his chest.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#ffffff;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I nod to Cameron. He hasn’t had a meal in weeks, whereas mine was just yesterday. I know that sounds greedy, but we trade off, and haven't been able to kills in a while. But this was a meaty one, this one would satisfy him. Cam ripped the man in half and began gnawing on an intestine. I smile. He finishes the corpse and we walk away. Right towards your house.

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,255,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">You started hearing banging noises in the middle of the night. You get up and check the door, thinking it was a dog you could just shoo away. Oh, how wrong you were. You opened the door and were greeted by a wide smile and a knife. The last thing you remember was...well...nothing. You heart had been removed. You only had two seconds to live. There were no screams. There was no time. THEY had gotten you. THEY won’t stop. THEY are coming...

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<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> Authors note: *throws head on desk* This was garbage! I know! Please, tell me what I can do to make myself better, I'm really intrested in writing horror :) Fixed your formatting, which was hard to read as it was. Second major thing is you need to start a new paragraph when each different character begins speaking. Ex:

Character 1 "Blah blah

Character2 "Blah blah blah"

The next main thing I see is the whole thing is rushed. There's no sense of time passing, even though apparently weeks pass. Also there is some weird capitals, like "Humans" and "Wolves" Thanks fror the advice. I'm really bad with time skips and/or non skips. Also, the reason it's rushed is most likey my writing style, but thanks again, ill fix it.