Talk:My Daughter's Imaginary Bully/@comment-5733573-20180608231045

I wanted to like this, but the ending kills it. How are we hearing the story if the narrator is dead? That makes the whole story really disappointing as a result. I strongly suggest rewriting this in third person, or else ending the story some other way. Perhaps it would make more sense to put his daughter out of her misery, rather than himself.

Also, this story tells too much and shows too little. The moment where the narrator realizes the demon is physically present could be so much stronger if you used sensory details to flesh it out.

Finally, there are details that you don't need and don't add anything to the story. This entire sentence interupts the narrative and can be cut: "My wife would have consoled her if she was still here, but she was gone and I suppressed the desire to remarry; I dated, but none of the relationships lasted more than a year." Nothing is gained or advanced by anything of the information this sentence contains.

With all of that out of the way, this is far from all bad. I like the narrator's voice a lot, and the idea behind it is seriously chilling. I hope you'll do some more work on this, because I really think it has potential.