Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24804827-20140617222104/@comment-9967354-20140619152054

There are few good pastas that contain blacklisted material. Otherwise, it's all the same things over and over again. And we're not fanfiction.net, so spinoffs really don't have a place here. The spinoff appeal is where they're put through a test to see if they're any good. This procedure works just fine; a lot of deletions and clichéd stories going under the hood is avoided.

Let's get to the story itself. It seems as if you expect the reader to know exactly what you're talking about. The story is a bit rushed, but that's okay since it helps you get to the point. However, most of it is bland description of gameplay, which could use some work. If you simply write down what happened in the game, it's going to compel the reader to skip the parah. You have to add some description. Give us an idea of who these characters are, or who the narrator is, for that matter. I, for one, haven't played super mario bros. The story, to me, seems confusing.

Secondly, the narrator seems like a bit of an impulsive person to me. He just decides to write down what happened in the levels. And then the narration changes slightly, which seems a bit abrupt as a whole. This is one of the factors that make the story seem a bit rushed. You're in too much of a hurry to get to the good bit, and you miss out on all the little things that are supposed to make your story come alive. I'm not talking about exceptional expression. I'm referring to the contents of the story that seem like they've been pressed into a corner.

That's all I have to say. Hope it helps.