Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20160126035115/@comment-26399604-20160203044955

HI Sgy0003,

First, I strongly suggest that you copy this story into Microsoft Word or any free online Spell Check software to catch a great deal of misspellings. 90% of the errors can be alleviated with that alone.

There were a lot of reoccurring errors too. The first was the lower case of "God". Since this story is in context of a church, God should be capitalized. Next, there were several areas where you had punctuation outside the quotation marks or no punctuation at all. Furthermore, if you're not using a question mark or an explanation mark, then you need a comma after you state who is speaking.

+Example:

"A little bit[,]" I answered, lying to him.

"I'm sorry. I was merely trying to ease your pain[.]"

"What have you done to her?!" [I barked.]

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Although the dialogue is between two people, I noticed how the story lacked emphasis on how the characters were speaking. Some text (not yours) can be misinterpreted or simply appear dull without an emphasis.

+Example:

"You killed... a sweet young girl?" [I asked, feeling my voice crack.]

"Yes, I was quite surprised myself once I realized what I had done," [he continued, ignoring my response.]

"Sarah?" I [asked, weakly]. I felt my blood rush through my veins.

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Also, when using ellipses (...), you only need three. There were many cases where you five or more.

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Now for the story itself. When it came to the story, I actually liked it. At first, I thought you using the cliché: ''I killed your daughter. Haha you didn't know you were speaking with her murderer the whole time.'' However, the ending proved me wrong.

I will note that when it came to the "murderer's" moment to antagonize the Reverend, I felt more was needed. I think if the man went in greater detail on how he killed the daughter then the justification for a "man of God" to kill on anger would stand out more. This can be easily done - you could have him describe how he toyed with her or how she called out for her father who was not there, or even how she prayed to God for help, but the man told her he didn't exist, or whatever.

Also too, when he states that he chose to commit other sins rather than suicide, it doesn't really come off right. It would be better if he stated to commit "lesser" sins in comparison.

Overall, the story was decent, but there are a great deal of errors that need to be addressed. I hope this helps. Happy Writing!!!