Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26924905-20141215010554/@comment-26924905-20141216025554

Underscorre wrote: This may not be too major a plot issue, but it kind of takes away from the story as a whole for me. How was "beautiful21" typing out the messages? I would assume he/she was driving to each house and killing people when he got there, but there's no way that one could reliably chat on a chatroom using a mobile while driving.

Plot wise, the whole story is kind of bland. A guy connects to a chatroom and we see some people's messages as he kills them. Not exactly the most intricate plot in the world. There doesn't seem to be any build up/suspense in this pasta - they talk about a guy advertising Omegle (oh no, how scary) and then, with no build up, the guy starts killing. If you compare this to Funnymouth (which feels like you've taken a lot of inspiration from it) you can see the clear build up.

Also, again in Funnymouth, we have a relatable main character. Although, at the start, the story is entirely in chatroom format, later on the narrator starts describing his own feelings and beliefs, allowing us to get emotionally attached to him. With the pasta above, it's literally just a chatroom log where people are talking. You can't connect with any of the characters - it's why online trolling happens so much. You need someone to actually be described IRL.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation wise, I would assume the pasta is intended to be badly written at times, to reflect the way people speak in chatrooms. I totally understand this, however it's quite difficult to read with what droolingpanda is saying, I would recommend (possibly) correcting this to proper English, but that's just my opinion.

Overall, 27/100. I'm sorry, but it's impossible to feel sad for any of these characters and the plot seems rather boring. Don't be sorry for your honesty. I love it when people actually tell me what they think rather than a, "dis sucks ass bro." Honestly, this didn't have much effort as I was just practicing my writing with this story. But thanks, these reviews actually help me to improve. :)