Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25941663-20150307112211/@comment-24976741-20150307155527

MrDupin wrote:

SilverDarkCureXZ wrote: -snip- Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it.

I don't want to be a bother, but is it possible to point to the comma problems? Uhhhhh, sure. Give me a sec I'll have to look real quick.

"Mike turns his neck awkwardly around, to get a better look at the woman’s behind." I don't think you need a comma here.

"He looks at his feet. He has stepped on a twig, snapping it in half." Maybe replace the period with one to, also change has to had, sounds more natural to me.

"He can't help but notice that silence has fallen over the forest and he can't shake off the feeling that something sinister lurks in the bowels of the forest." I don't know why, but putting the word forest in the sentence twice like that seems  unnecessary to me. Also, maybe put a comma after forest and before and

 " and a little unsettled, by the unearthly stillness of the forest." Don't know if you need a comma here.

Also now that I think about it, I just want to say that when reading this story I imagine Mike is Tyson/BigMacNation.

"Mike spots the sun's rays penetrating the forest's armor and reaching the ground in a beam of blinding light." I think you should change reaching to reaches.

"Shit..." he mumbles under his breath as he carries on. Maybe a comma before he mumbles.