Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20160425200614/@comment-27838637-20160427120226

This was a really good read, and I thouroghly enjoyed it. Jay Ten has done a great job of pointing out the very few issues that this story has and I can't really add much to it. There are a couple of other sentences that are a little awkward but from what I can gather, you will only improve upon them with another proofread.

I only question the epilogue, because I feel the story would have an immensely stronger ending if it finished without it. The final two paragraphs make for a pretty powerful conclusion as it is, and the epilogue seems to detract from the epic final sentences you already have.

Only other issue I have is that you mention the Aliens making use of the vents. While this is a good throwback to the good old Xenomorphs from the Alien franchise, I think it takes away some realism from your story. If the aliens are as effective at using the vents as the Xenomorphs from the alien films, then I find the boy's chances of survival and moving around undetected slim. Simply making no mention of the aliens using the vents would make the story seems more original and more realistic. (This is only my opinion, and is only worth changing if you feel it is neccessary. It definitely isn't an issue of note, I am just nitpicking)

But other than that, this creepypasta was pretty great. Personally I think it enjoyable without trying to be too smart or complex, which makes for an easy read. The obvious inspiration from Alien is used well, and the vague descriptions of the monsters makes the story original rather than a rip-off or spin-off. I especially like the repeated use of the 'Monster Maze' paragraph, which effectively juxtaposes both circumstances.

I hope to see the finished product published on the site as an official creepypasta soon, as that seems to be the next step in this story's development!

A_O.