Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160825190002/@comment-28266772-20160826152032

Hey, by chance I was reviewing this when you left the message on my talk page! Talk about luck. So here you go. I enjoyed this story, and would love to see another draft. Obviously I have lots of notes but they're not big things. I think I could sum my notes up as "less obnoxious dialogue, more intestine monster". Also no need to apologise for intervening! I appreciated the help.

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Squirrels, [don’t think you need this comma] and rabbits scattered in terror as the BMW sped by. Spruce trees frowned on either side of the road, and the night was as black as the inside of a wolf's mouth. [not sure about this image here] The tires screeched, as the headlights revealed a black cat in the middle of the road. It ran off. [I think this piece of action could use some more elaboration – even just one or two qualifiers that help to create an image e.g. scampered, scuttled, quickly ran, flew etc. do you know what I mean?]

"Jesus Christ, that scared the shit out of me!" Kyle yelped.

"K, you need to chill to the fuck out, don't panic: [I think a full stop by here will do just fine] we can not [cannot] afford panic right now, got it?" said Lambert.

"Shit, did you see that?" John said.

"What? The cat?"

"No, the fucking collar: it's domestic – that means we're near a residential area."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Better out the headlights." [I think because there’s more than two people it’d help to know exactly who’s saying what]

"Shit! Turn around, dammit. We're fucked, I wanna go home, have a few drinks, see momma, and..." Kyle gasped.

"Shut your fucking mouth, you pussy," Nicky slapped him; "It’s gonna be alright, so calm your ass. I'm here, and when I'm here, we won’t fuck up"

As the car turned a corner, a loud banging started.

"The hell is that. Did I hit something, has the bumper gone loose, and started banging against the car?" John said. '[this dialogue by here feels a wee bit stunted. I think stopping at “loose” will do just fine]'

"What's that mumbling?"

"Fuck, it sounds muffled."

<p class="MsoNormal">Every head turned around, and focused on the back of the car. John was the first to speak,

<p class="MsoNormal">"It's coming from the trunk."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Impossible!" Nicky shouted... "I cut his fucking balls off, and shoved them down his throat with my own fingers."

<p class="MsoNormal">Kyle started hyperventilating.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Look, K, we're going to cut off the fingers, pull out the teeth, and bury him somewhere where no person will find him; then, and only then, can we go to a bar, get drunk and hit on ladies, you'd like that -- wouldn't you?" John said.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Y... ye- yes." he said through tears.

<p class="MsoNormal">The sky was an empty void, the depths of the forest were an empty void [this repetition feels awkward]: darkness seemed to enshroud the world, except [I’d get rid of the comma and put a ‘for’ between ‘except’ and ‘a’] a thick mist, [I’d also get rid of this comma] that swallowed the road ahead. The tranquillity was unnerving, and c- [I respect this stylistic flourish, but I’m not sure I 

<p class="MsoNormal">"The Fuck! what's [What’s] that?" John hit the brakes, avoiding a cluster [this word doesn’t suit ‘mist’ very well] of mist in the centre of the road, and losing control of the car. It bumped into a tree.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Did you see that?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"What the fuck, Johnny, did you go down into insane valley with Kyle?" Nicky said. '[This dialogue also feels awkward. It doesn’t feel… real]'

<p class="MsoNormal">"I saw a chick in rags, standing and gaping like a fucking drug addict."

<p class="MsoNormal">“John, get a grip. It was an illusion, nothing else – you of all of us should know." Lambert barked.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Let's bury him here -- desolate, convenient, and soil's good." [I’d really like to know who says this] They got out of the car. [this description here, like the cat example above, also feels dry and could use something to make it interesting]

<p class="MsoNormal">A rumbling was heard in the distance, and it steadily approached the men. The fog was becoming brighter.

<p class="MsoNormal">"A car is coming," whispered John, "Kyle, turn around, and pretend your [you’re] taking a piss."

<p class="MsoNormal">A dark car drove past. Lambert chocked, [choked] and his countenance became ghastly. When they saw the tail lights disappear, Nicky said.

<p class="MsoNormal">"What happened to you? You look lime saw a ghost."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Did you see the driver?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Fuck no, I don't need a drawing of me on every fucking lamp post in the country."

<p class="MsoNormal">The banging became frantic, and the mumbling was now a distinct grunting.

<p class="MsoNormal">"The driver... something. A pale, hollow face, dirty clothes, she -- it -- looked like a [an] old lady, wrinkled. Sparse strands of hair. Greying. The eyes! Red, red like hell's fire, with hatred and death beaming out of them in shafts of horrible light."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Hey, T.S. Elliot, stop messing and help us bury this shit... please." Nicky mumbled the last part.

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'm not bullshiting! [bullshitting? Not sure of the correct spelling]"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Please," John pleaded. "We don't need this, this situation is fucking our brains up, let's do the job, and go for a drink, or ten."

<p class="MsoNormal">Lambert began yelling. Nicky told him to shut up, but he did not: "I SAW SATAN, FUCKING SATAN. GET THE FUCK AWAY." [I don’t think the all caps is necessary]

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky took a .44 cal. and knocked Lambert out with the butt end [the butt]. After more dispute, they started digging a grave in the forest. They were in complete darkness; foliage, undergrowth, and spruce trees trapped them in a circle. '[some of this imagery feels a bit rushed at times. This is nice, and you do a good job of setting atmosphere, but sometimes I feel like it rushes from one moment to the next too quickly]'

<p class="MsoNormal">"Was it worth killing this guy?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"He's still breathing, I think; however, if we continued to let him fuck around with L's girl, we'd all be six feet deep." John replied. '[It’d be nice to get some fleeting descriptions of the characters. Maybe at the start, maybe at the end, maybe one by one or all as a group, but it’s taken me a while to firmly understand that these guys are young idiots involved in crime]'

<p class="MsoNormal">When they dug out a hole six feet deep, they went back to the car. They opened the trunk, a fat man, with missing testicles, and covered in blood – [this should be a comma not an em dash] was flailing around, and spitting out blood in crimson waves of gore.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky gave a battle cry, and charged at the guy – [same rule as above] beating him until he broke a few bones. The man was chocking [choking] on the testicles in his oesophagus, and Nicky assisted him with a garrotte.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Don't bother killing him, lets [let’s] just burry him alive.” John said.

<p class="MsoNormal">Kyle could not hold off when they reached the pit. He threw up. When the job was done, [this is a classic example of how the story feels like it’s rushing certain moments] they looked around: [semicolon] the trees around them looked like phantoms in the mist, but all else was silent.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Do you smell that? It's some kind of miasma.” [I feel like ‘miasma’ is a bit out of these guys vocabulary] John commented.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, I smell it – can you smell it, Kyle?” Kyle mumbled a [an] affirmation.

<p class="MsoNormal">The mist all around them started glowing in a pulsating red, a snake-like whisper surrounded them, they could make out vague faces in the mist – leering faces. '[I think the punctuation here is off. I’d try to avoid em dashes and unnecessary commas] A silhouette of a human [this feels awkward – it could be streamlined to ‘A human silhouette’] stepped out of the mist, the face had no eyes: just two, staring holes like a black lake that holds thousands of mysteries beneath the dark water [this feels contradictory since you say “no eyes” but then describe the otherworldly eyes. The images conflict. Also the whole ‘black lake that holds thousands of mysteries etc.’ feels uninformative, and a bit contrived] – the figure was pale, and had [I think ‘with’ works better here] 'rough hair running down to its hip. [hips]

<p class="MsoNormal">Moss hung off its hands and face. Though the worst thing was the bloody aperture in its stomach, out of which four cords of intestine dropped out; one was wrapped around Lambert’s neck – dragging him along. '[again the em dash, but also the events seem to be rushed. We go from hole digging to intestine monster in like four sentences]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“STAY THE FUCK AWAY. WHAT IS THIS SHIT? GOD HELP ME, WHAT IS IT, FOR FUCKS SAKE!” Kyle screamed. A cord of intestine sprang up and flew into Kyles [Kyle’s] mouth, who chocked [choked] to death. '[similar issue here. You need to get rid of the all caps and show us the events as they occur instead of telling us that Kyle choked to death. Something as simple as “A cord of intestine sprang up and flew into Kyle’s mouth, choking him to death” would help.]'

<p class="MsoNormal">There has to be an explanation. There has to be a hallucinogen in the mist, John thought.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Stay the fuck away, you hear me, you motherfucker.” Nicky said, pointing a gun at it [you should clarify what ‘it’ is in this instance instead of relying on an indefinite article]. Another cord sprang [this is a repeated image from before] from the ground and enwrapped [enwrapped feels awkward here] Nicky’s hand, pulling it towards John.

<p class="MsoNormal">“No – come on, Nicky, this shit isn't real, come on, you wouldn't look a friend in the eye and kill them. Nicky? Come the fuck on, mate!” [this feels contrived]

<p class="MsoNormal">John tried to run away, but another cord of intestine flew at him, crashing into his ankle. He collapsed. Nicky's finger massaged the trigger.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Sorry, John,” Nicky breathed, “If I don't, it'll kill me... Bye.” '[this also doesn’t feel earned/explained. Is it psychically controlling him?]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“DROP THE FUCKING GUN! Can you not see this is a fucking delusion... JESUS! HELP ME FOR FUCKS SAKE, THERE'S A MANI-“ [Not liking the 

<p class="MsoNormal">Bang.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nicky saw nothing but a kaleidoscope of colors, [no need for a comma] as he was crushed by the cords of intestine.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Mechanical issues – so mainly there seems to be some confusion with sentence structure, clauses, commas, em dashes, dialogue etc. They’re not huge issues but I’d check the style guides on the wikia for some clarification.

<p class="MsoNormal">Style issues – The story tends to rush from moment to moment. It’s a case of ‘show not tell’ a lot of the time. This is a bit of a shame because the events themselves are fun, but the imagery can be repetitive, and the story needs to slow down at the right moments. I think you could probably start with them just opening the trunk and beginning with the burial. A lot of stories start at this point for a reason – the way the characters decide who is digging reveals a lot of their group dynamic, and it provides a slow moment for paranoia to start. I think this would let you cut out some of the nonsense. Other than that you could also start where you start now, but I would still restructure your paragraphs to show us key events instead of telling us what happened in short, basic, detail.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot issues – So plot wise I’d say this is good to go. Some of the disparate pieces could use some more explanation but other than that I enjoyed it, and I think it’s a clever idea for a tale.