Talk:Fungus Among Us/@comment-25226524-20160407234554

Interesting topic, but the execution is still struggling, my friend. The lack of conciseness still needs to be addressed; perhaps more so with this one than the last one. Take this sentence for example: He set the knife down on the floor and cradled Tracey's head with his left arm as he pulled up her left pant leg with his right hand and glimpsed into her blue eyes. That is way too many details and painful to read. Here's another option:

He set the knife down and cradled Tracey's head. While staring into her blue eyes he slowly began lifting her pant leg. (It's not perfect but you get the idea)

I'm not saying to focus on using a lesser amount of words, but rather making the most out of the ones you use. If you're telling the story right, a lot of those little details like "left" and "right" aren't necessary and just muddle up the flow.

I think you still need to focus on relaxing or tapping into some emotion somewhere because this reads somewhat forced. A lot of your dialogue still feels unnatural. I really do like the concept though. I still see a lot of potential but you still need to break down some barriers. Glad to see you're staying at it.