Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4542292-20140617141300/@comment-4542292-20140617151051

WaveDivisionMultiplexer wrote: I noticed a few errors, awkward and redundant phrases (inconspicuous man -he'd blend right into a crowd; he came one night -one rather unpleasant evening; "hope you are comfortable" -"oh I will"). Other than that, I think you should build up the story a bit more before you reveal the news about the murders. The fact that there's so much stress on the strange (but apparently inconspicuous) man makes the plot a bit obvious.

Also, use a single tense. I was rather confused when in the middle of the story a date was given, and someone started narrating in simple present. Stick to a tense, unless you want to talk about two different times. Ah yes, I see. But the "oh I will" line is the reply to "I hope you are comfortable". I will choose either one or the other and remove the redundant phrases.

As far as the story itself goes, I wanted it to be a little obvious, bucause I want it more to be about the payoff than the build up. Do you think the story itself is any good?