Talk:Third Eye Murders/@comment-24207890-20141010235727

It's not perfect, but it's written well for what it is. The last of John's recordings was especially strong. There's some fat that could be trimmed or cooked into the meat better.

Questions and problems that should have been addressed:

- Why is John gay? Is it nothing more than a footnote? There's nothing substantial that makes it a justifiable character choice. Understand that an unusual character choice like that will raise questions with readers. If nothing comes of it, what's the point?

- John's reaction to his sister's journal is over the top and halts any avenue toward empathy a reader could take for him.

- What's the deal with Mark's entry? It made no sense at all. If you're making a series out of this, more time devoted to Mark should have been dealt over the course of the "entries."

- If you are making this into a series, this shouldn't have been written like this. You would have been better-served to just write it as a straight-up narrative with richer attention to detail. There just isn't enough here to trampoline into a long-running series worth reading.

I do like John's recordings as they progress. It could be smoother, but it's still effective. You didn't rush to the ending, in other words.

As a stand-alone, 7/10.

As the start of a series, 4/10.

Happy writing! Good luck.