Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-5101683-20180718232328/@comment-26399604-20180720005833

Hi Squid,

The story felt like we were just floating around aimlessly for in the beginning. I think it needs to be grounded a bit. For me, I wasn't sure of the location until the dream by Knock about quarter of the way into the story -- by then, we shifted into another scene without establishing the first one.

It's obvious that this story has a fantasy appeal and there is nothing wrong with that. However, there should be some aspect of horror in it. I think you missed out on a great opportunity with the gargoyle. You should revisit all its scenes and really try establish its intimidating presence and you could easily solve your horror aspect. Describe its voice, its smell, and looming presence. Maybe it snarls and jolts occasionally to cause the protagonist to flinch. Really paint a creature to be feared.

One of the biggest issues with the story is that it jumps around a lot. It's confusing and doesn't flow scene from scene. Also, it needs to find itself. Is is a story about magic? What's the story behind powers of the characters? Is this a tale that has magical creatures? I love fantasy and otherworldly stories but I cannot grasp the world you're introducing us to. Obviously, you should not do an info-dump but at least give a concept of the time period or setting of this world.

Overall, the story needs focus and tightening up. Like what's the point of nonchalantly including the bit about the wolf at the end? It doesn't really serve a purpose and seems shoehorned -- unless that is the norm, but again, the story doesn't establish that. The dialogue is bit rigid too. Try to make it sound more natural.

There's a good tale in here somewhere but right now I don't know what it's trying to tell. I hope this helps.