Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31424920-20180701234008/@comment-26444017-20180704003638

Okay. Been at this for 4 and 1/2 hours, and already tried to respond once, unsuccessfully.

I noted all revisions that I would suggest in the blob below, complete with day numbers so they are easy to find.

There were three overall issues that need corrected.

1. Any paragraph that starts with someone talking, including paragraphs that continue a particularly long dialogue, must start with quotation marks. Easy fix.

2. Once Drake names the creature stalking them 'The Shape', all instances of that name from then on should be capitalized, as opposed to simply 'the shape'.

3. Some of your paragraphs didn't space properly, particulary at the start of some of the days. Again, easy fix.

Beyond that, the list below contains more specific suggestions and corrections. They are bolded and in brackets. All of these are recommendations, and it's ultimately up to you what gets changed. Hope this helps.

Day 1

As I was saying, I’m writing this journal while I’m on my arctic assignment. Actually, let’s call it an expedition. That makes it sound a little more exciting. This ‘expedition’ was put together by the company that I work for, Trinity Marine. We specialize in machines called ROVs, which stands for remotely operated vehicle. They’re mainly used in the oil field for servicing oil rigs and vessels. However, we were recently rented out by an agency of the federal government for some observation under the Arctic ice. I can’t remember which agency it is, since I had fallen asleep during the meeting. All I know is that I need to go with the team since[,] I’m one of the most experienced machinists. Apparently[,] I’m going to have my own shop adjacent to the main building. I have no clue how much that costs, but the government is going to pay for everything, so I don’t really care.

Day 2

I remained awake the duration of the flight, which was only about an hour. I occupied my time by catching up on the news on my laptop. Luckily my company hadn’t been cheap and booked us a plane with wifi. Although the base was supposed to have wifi half the time at best, it didn’t really bother me. I vaguely remember my boss saying that the signal was infamous for dropping.'''[perhaps 'infamous for cutting out at random times'. 'Dropping' seems a bit blunt, but it's a stylistic thing, I guess. For me, it just sort of hits the ear wrong.]'''

The vehicles finally came to a halt and we all piled back outside in the cold. By this time, the sun had mostly set, leaving the camp illuminated in the glow of floodlights. As my boss talked to everyone, I only nodded my head. I wasn’t paying attention to him, the hunger starting to rumbled['rumble'] in my stomach[,] or Drake poking me in the side with his elbow to keep my awake. I only fantasized about going to sleep once again. When I heard my boss say something about taking the day off tomorrow to catch up on sleep and rest, I perked up.

And so, that leaves us to where I am now. I’m back in my room typing this up'''[I thought this was a physical journal. If it isn't, maybe mention something about him typing on his computer in the first or second paragraph.]''', Drake on his laptop watching videos whenever they manage to load over the crappy wifi. I better get going. The boss just announced over the intercom that dinner was ready. Oh, before I go, I only have one complaint. I forgot until now that I woke up last night to a shout. Apparently Drake screams in his sleep. I just ignored him and buried my head deep into my pillow. I really hope he doesn’t do this all the time. I’m hundreds of miles from a pair of earplugs.

Day 5

This wasn’t like me seeing Bigfoot or some demon. What I saw didn’t scare me. What I saw didn’t make me piss myself on the spot. What I saw just filled me with an overwhelming sense of dread.'''[Small gripe, but each of the preceding three sentences start with 'What I saw'. It may be good to change up the language a bit to flow better.]''' Even now, I faintly feel its effects fatiguing my body and weakening my mind. I wish I could describe in better detail everything I felt at that moment in time, but I can’t. It filled me with trepidation that I never come['came' or 'had never come'] close to feeling before.

Day 9

I’ve come to the conclusion that what I saw was just a figment of my imagination. My wife had warned me that being in an isolated place like this can make a man go mad, but I know I’m not on the brink of insanity or anything like that. I’ve come to the conclusion[perhaps change the beginning of this sentence to avoid unnecessary repetition] that what I saw was simply a trick my eyes were playing on me. Nothing more, nothing less. Ever since that day, I’ve just pushed it to the back of my mind and ignored it. I haven’t talked to Drake, Roger, or David about it. There’s no point in bothering those poor men with my delusions.

The past few days have gone by without any problems. Drake and I have gone out to the expedition site and sat in the portable building while the ROV does whatever it was hired to do. Luckily, the only part of it I had to replace so far is a flotation block. Although I’m pleased that I haven’t had to replace any parts, the days are boring just sitting in that building. Drake does a good job trying to keep my attention, but I still wish that I was at least back at basecamp watching a movie on the television. Whenever['When'] we returned to base camp yesterday, Roger and David were doing their work, but had the television on all day. I’m starting to grow a little envious. They get to have a television all day, while the only entertainment I have are the strange ice patterns that are forming on the window of that building. I know it’s a crazy idea, but I’m tempted to purposefully break a piece of the robot just so I can be in the shop with my music. Even a little music will cure my boredom.

When I was growing up, my grandfather lived with me and my parents. Although his mind was still sharp, his body had long since begun to fail him. My mother thought that putting him into a retirement home would do nothing but strip away his dignity. So she renovated our old guest room and allowed him to move in with us. He sold his house and help used the money to[used the money to help] renovate the room. Anything that was left over, he put aside for me in a college fund. After a few months of him living with us, I started to notice that he was constantly looking over his shoulder. He acted as if someone was around every corner waiting to get him.”

When he was in his twenties, he was drafted into the second World War. He wasn’t sent into the heart of the fight, but he was still near some brutal stuff. Although the name of where he was deployed escapes me now, I[you could just say 'I don't remember exactly where he was deployed, but I'] remember him saying that during the winter, it snowed at least six feet. He stayed with his fellow soldiers in a makeshift tent in a field. I remember him saying that the nights were cold and brutal, sometimes three blankets not even being enough to keep him warm. One night, it got so cold that he put on his jacket and went outside to make a run to the supply tent and grab more blankets. The weather outside was well below freezing, but he felt it would be worth it to be warm in bed. As he trudged through the snow towards the supply tent, something out in the distance caught his attention. There was enough moonlight for him to barely make out a shape standing at the edge of the field by the tree line.

Day 14

I’m sitting in bed right now, typing all of this up. Drake fell asleep about an hour okay[ago]. He had told me out of[at] the expedition site that he hadn’t slept well the night before. Although this is the first time he’s admitted to me about not sleeping, I have a feeling it’s happened on more than one occasion.

Day 16

Less than an hour ago, I woke up in the middle the night and needed to go to the bathroom. I got up quietly, doing my best not to wake Drake. I slowly opened our door and made sure to lock it behind me with our key. Our bedroom is at the end of the hall, requiring me to walk a considerable distance to the community bathroom at the end of the hall[perhaps 'opposite end' to distinguish the location of the bathroom from the location of their room]. I wrapped my blanket tightly around my shoulders and proceeded down the hallway.

Day 17

Without speaking another word, he stood up and left our room. I didn’t really know what to make of his statement. I wanted to ask him some questions on what he meant by that[this sentence is a bit awkward], but he didn’t give me the chance. I came to the conclusion that I would talk to him out at the expedition site, and left our room to go get breakfast.

Drake and I spent the day at our table in the mobile building at the expedition site. He had to go fix an occasional software problem, and I had to repair a pneumatic line on the ROV. The rest of the time that we weren’t occupied with work, we discussed how to confront Roger about the previous night. Although we both started with ideas of building up to confronting him it, we decided against it. When we considered what we were dealing with, we decided it was best the[to] flat out ask him about it.

“It won’t spare a single one of us. We all have our faults, but some have more than others. Compared to me, you’re a saint. But that doesn’t mean he’ll spare you. He may just go a little easier.[if The Shape doesn't have a gender, ALWAYS refer to it as 'it']”

Day 22

Everyone in the base camp gathered in the den to celebrate only a week left out here. We all gathered snacks and the last few cases of beer that remained in the fridge. That only left us with the hard stuff. Although I wouldn’t turn down anything with vodka or whiskey, it still wouldn’t be as enjoyable as a beer. For the first time in a couple of days, I allowed myself to relax. With everyone in the base gathered together, I wouldn’t have to worry about Rodger[Roger] springing an attack on me. I took off my shoes and placed my feet up on the coffee table. For the first time in days, I was able to let down my guard.

Roger wasn’t with us. At first I thought I must have looked over[overlooked] him. As I looked over[around at] everyone in the room once more, my worst fears were confirmed. Roger was nowhere in sight. I started to panic. He was sitting in a chair to my right whenever the movie first started, but he had now vanished. Without drawing too much attention to myself, I darted my eyes around the room and started looking for any sign of him. Out the corner of my eye, I saw movement. I turned my head towards the window to see someone’s shadow being cast upon the snow by the floodlights. It slowly moved across my field of vision before vanishing out of sight.

I zipped my parka up and rushed through the front entrance. While everyone else scrambled to gather their jackets, I rushed in the direction the shadow had been walking. I soon heard the familiar crunch of snow under boots as everyone else joined me outside. I turned a corner of the building and was met with the sight of Roger kneeling in the snow. I slowed my pace down to a gentle walk. I finally came to a stop about six feet from where he knelt. As I heard everyone else run up behind me, I held out an arm and motioned for them to stop. Everyone listened and came to a halt, leaving the only sound being[only the sound of] the howling wind. I turned to face them and spoke with command in my voice.

Day 25

I took in a deep breath and looked over everyone sitting at the table. It was hard to imagine that we were actually having this conversation. What had begun[What started] as me thinking that The Shape was an isolated incident, had grown. It suddenly hit me that it was here from more than just one person. After snatching David’s glass, I swallowed its contents and mustered the courage to speak.

“I don’t want to see a single one of you to[remove this 'to'] sit here and sulk and refuse to acknowledge me. We’re not exactly in the best of situations here, so I don’t want a single one of you to not follow my orders.”

“Not to mention the fact that I’m the only one willing to lead us in a direction of progress instead of sitting here in silence. I intend on making it out of here, and I won’t be stopped by one of you. Those who wish to join me are free to do so. Anyone who tries to stop me or gets my way will be met with my full wrath.”

I heard laughing and turned to see you it was.'''[I was going to mention something about the previous sentence being overly dramatic, but this made me decide to leave it be. At least the characters thought it was goofy as well.]''' The mechanic from earlier was now throwing his head back and letting out an almost maniacal cackle.

Day 38

We walked inside and quickly shut the door right as David pulled dinner from the oven. As the three of us sat down to eat, no one else came out to join us. I tried calling for them on the intercom, but received nothing but silence in return. David told me that he had seen none of them leave their rooms or[for] at least a whole day. Although I had a strong inclination as to what they had been eating, I didn’t want to believe it. I walked over to the refrigerator and opened it.

Day 39

Its lips slowly peeled up into a smile. As its lips parted, I watched as a fair amount of blood and[remove this 'and'] spilled from its mouth. As I looked closely at him, I was able to see that various teeth were either missing or chipped. He reached down and placed a hand in his pocket. I remained attentive with my gun trained on him.

“Grab our stuff and get out the exit[odd phrasing, pehraps just 'outside'],” I scream to Drake down the hallway.

Day 40

We had one person driving while the other up front read the map. Whoever sat in the back seat would keep an eye out behind us for The Shape in case it followed us. We haven’t seen it since last night. I don’t know whether to be grateful that we lost it, or fear that it could appear at any moment. Either way, I refuse[refused] to let my guard down.

We’ve agreed to take shifts on watch duty during the night. We’re not even sure if it knows that this building is out here, but we don’t want to take any chances. All the lights or anything that could give us away is[are] going to be turned off at night. We just finished putting sheets of plywood over the windows. We found it around the back of the building. We’re lucky that it hadn’t rotted outside in the weather yet. Each one has a small slit cut in it so we can see outside.

Day 42 – Part 2

It’s almost midnight. David is currently standing guard. When I finished my shift just a few minutes ago, The Shape had moved. It was no longer just barely visible on the horizon. It managed to make it within 300 yards'''[How does he know this? May require a sentence of explanation.]''' of the building. Because there aren’t any clouds obscuring the moon tonight, I could see it illuminated in the moonlight.

Epilogue

Susan walked down the long hallway as she had been doing for years. She had grown accustom to the routine she had formed while working at the hospital. It wasn’t a thrilling job, but it paid the bills. At least she didn’t end up like your sister and[her sister, who] had to sell herself to make rent.

John nodded his head and then turned to face back out the window. Without offering another word, Susan quickly turned on her heels and walked out the room. She locked the door back and quickly grabbed her cart and[locked the door, grabbed her cart, and] quickly walked in the direction of Doctor Carpenter’s office. She didn’t stop at any other room that was on her schedule.

Susan nodded her head[do you mean 'shook her head' to indicate that that was not the case?] and pointed down the hallway in the direction of John’s room.

When I finished reading his journal, I thought that it was nothing more than the senseless ramblings of a madman, After looking over those pictures, I’m starting to think that what he was writing may have some truth to it. Those people out in the snow were killed by some nonhuman force. One of them was torn in half[,] as if his legs and arms have[had] been tied to two trucks and then ripped apart. Another one had his skull crushed in.