Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-37408328-20181105181059/@comment-36627132-20181106044443

Spelling and Grammar Issues: The formatting is too spaced out. "At the beginning of 1982, I was 6, My Sister" that second comma should be a period, "sister" does not need to be capitalized. The second sentance in the first paragraph is a run-on sentance. "of course at six years old had no idea what either of those meant, Erin shouldn't have known what either of those meant either, Erin shouldn't have known and done a lot of things." some of the commas here would work better as periods.

Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: "father was sent to prison for Tax Evasion and then later was discovered as a Drug Dealer and got about Ten years in Maximum Security Prison," none of those needed to be capitalized, and again, the comma would work better as a period. " the perfect nuclear family an amazingly gorgeous" you should have used a comma at the end of "family"."but that couldn't have strayed farther from the truth, Erin was born when my father was 17" again, comma should be a period.

Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: "and my mother was a mere 15 years old combine the complications of that birth at such a young age and my mother already using hard drugs It would have been a miracle their first child came out with nothing physically wrong with them but that's exactly what happened." read this aloud and ask yourself what is wrong with it.

Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: I'm just going to stop listing all the times you used a comma instead of a period, and all the times you should have added a comma or a period. "" I Hear You, You Little Bitch! " Only "I" needed to be capitalized. " as soon as our mother spoke, And it became" "and" did not need to be capitalized. "even for a second, Because Erin" "because" does not need capitalized. I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to stop pointing out unnecessary capitalizations such as this, I think you get the point.

Spelling and Grammar Issues Continued: "was not pleasant...not pleasant at all" ellipsis is three periods and a space.

Plot Issues: It's your typical story about a bullied child who comes from a broken home becoming a psychopathic murderer (I consider it murder because she killed the cats). Why would you remember how much your sister did or didn't eat in a year? "Those pieces of clothing were the only ones she had " This is kind of confusing where it is, and poorly worded. "she started treating these animals very harshly" unnecessary animal cruelty cliche. "all evidence of abuse were started to clear up on Erin so mother didn't have to worry about any charges" WRONG, if she has as many bruises and cuts as you say, they will still raise suspicion. "Holes in all her clothes, she smelled and was dirty and the giant gap in her two front teeth was just a big flashing target" yeah, someone would notice that this child is a victim of abuse.

Plot Issues Continued: "Erin pleaded with the court and the man who found us to go back with our father, Our father was clean and a model inmate so they agreed " it isn't as easy as going to court, asking for your daddy back, and having him released in a matter of minutes. " I saw both of the cats dead on the ground one on it's back and one on its legs as if it were trying to land on them" more unnecessary animal abuse.

In short, this story is riddled with commas that should be replaced with periods, unnecessary capitalizations, run-on sentances, and missing commas, question marks, and periods. There is nothing scary about this story, if done right this would make a good drama story, but not a scary one.