Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26277607-20150405022630/@comment-26007602-20150405161357

Let me start off by saying that I like how you tried to include a theme of sorts. "Adults don't always know what's best" or "adults don't know how to deal wth suicide". We need more creepypastas with themes; people don't realize that horror is a great way to get a message across.

The problem is how you deliver said theme, as this story is completely nonsensical.

These are teenagers. Teenagers are not typically known for blindly following adult authority. And they're not stupid; no one is going to put on a device to make them "fall asleep" ("to avoid getting mugged"; I'm sorry, this a pathetic reason to have them wear these things) just because an authority figure tells them to.

I'm gonna go through the parts that bothered me.

First off, the bus driver just goes through an area where people are known to openly carry handguns? Not in this day and age, no dreaming way.

"He worded it really well, so nobody questioned it". I'm sorry, what? These kids just passed a bunch of dead teenagers (and don't tell me our protagonist was the only one to see them) and the adults tell them "they're going to fall asleep". Firstly, no ones going to buy that. Secondly, telling us directly, "he worded it well" is lazy writing; tell us what he said that made it sound like a good idea.

I agree with our protagonist: why doesn't anyone see the madness in this? If you gave us a possible reason, that may work, but currently it makes no sense. And I don't think you can just sing a waver allowing your child to die (not to mention that SOMEONE would have noticed that). Seems like more lazy writing to explain away a ludicrous situation.

Has no one noticed all these kids disappearing each year? How?

I'm going to stop here because I just read the ending. This was all a dream. The biggest cliche of them all. Your story will get deleted for that alone, so you'd have to remove it. But then you'd have to do a total rewrite of this story to make it acceptable. I'm sorry, I'd advise scrapping this story and moving on to better things, as it just doesn't make enough sense for the reader to believe it.