Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27612790-20160115020718/@comment-26475800-20160115030309

This story isn't bad, it needs a good deal of work, but it isn't bad. I think the biggest thing that bothered me was the flow of the story, the sentences were kind of choppy. I say this because you can make the sentences flow smoother, have them be a little more complex. As it is you have your story set up like:

I say a man walking down the street. (Stop) He was wearing a red suit. (Stop) Each time he took a stop his shoes squeaked, it was funny.

Now, granted that is a bit of an exaggeration, your story is no way near that bad, but I am only trying to get a point across. You can combine some of the sentences with a nice comma, or even, if you want to get really tricky, a semi-colon. Personally, I would use the commas for now and get to the semi-colon later, because there nothing that a semi-colon can be used for where a period or comma couldn't be used in its place.

Not really going to get into grammar for this story, because I wasn't really looking for it and I have my own things to work on, but this can become a really good story. I will say, when I was reading it I thought the writer was going to end up having writer's block because he has too many ideas and cannot choose which to put onto paper. It is the damnedest thing, but that does happen quite often.