Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28088262-20140705153743/@comment-24077689-20140707011828

You start this off with the least sympathetic character possible, seriously? "It's obvious she doesn't deserve him" followed by three sentences of banal descriptions primarily about how this fucking twat dresses. A) converse doesn't make boots B) this adds literally nothing to your story. Those aren't the kinds of details we need or care about. You can set up the jealous friend scenario with so much more finesse.

You have a couple of tense changes, read this out loud to yourself, you should find them.

You have the set up for a stalker-ish story but then you change it halfway through. I can't say I'm terribly disappointed or anything, but at the same time this story doesn't have a lot going for it. It's a bit cliche. It's kind of stupid. For one thing, it's not long enough, and I really hate to encourage you the drag this out, but as it is, there's not enough room for build up. It's like "this is happening, then this happens, omg now this is happening the end." There's no suspense. None, zero, el zilcho.

Plus it doesn't make much sense, why the dark? Why wouldn't it be so much easier for him to have done this with the lights on?

And please for the love of christ stop misusing the ellipsis.