Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-17793895-20170526204832/@comment-24101790-20170530143411

Explanations lacking: "Built around the time of the Civil War, the house creeped me out. The previous owner was in poor health. As a result, he had to live in the kitchen where he later died. I always thought the house was haunted". Description/explanation is key to building a story. Explaining why the house creeps out the protagonist helps paint a visual picture for the audience. Telling the audience why they thought the house is haunted (noises at night, objects moved around, etc.) not only builds up the encounter later in the story, but also helps set the tone for the story. As a side note: Living in an antebellum (Civil War Era) house ends up causing some issues as historical houses are often more costly and generally require a lot more maintenance due to their age. I would just switch it to an old house as the fact it's a Civil War house doesn't really factor into the story much.

Transition issues: "In the kitchen was this small gray...thing with glowing eyes! I could not make out what it was because I was wearing my backup glasses. Earlier, in school today (remember this story is being told in the past by a person who opens the story with 'when I was a little girl'. Using earlier today doesn't really work and 'earlier that day' would make a bit more sense.), a bully snatched off my good glasses and stepped on them. I'm...not very popular." It really breaks tension to go from seeing the monster to talking about how the protagonist's glasses were broken. This event should be a bit more separated (the protagonist talks about the bully before the encounter so the kitchen encounter can be properly built on) so it doesn't lessen the impact of the scene.

Story issues: "As I reached the doorway, I overheard Dad talking to Mom. That's when I learned the real reason we were moving." This next bit of dialogue feels out of place and throws a few wrenches into the story. The first being: wouldn't the dad have told the mom about all of this before they decided to move? It really seems like a stretch that he would be able to find a new job, a new house, and make moving arrangements all without telling his wife. If he's already told her before this point, why is he recapping the story so succinctly? If this is the first time she's hearing this news, it also raises a lot of character issues.

The father's encounter: "“Saturday night, at 3A.M. I heard noises in the kitchen. I went to investigate. The kitchen was in ruins. Trash and food thrown everywhere." Given the description, it seems odd that the father would be the only one to hear this noise. Also the raccoon also screams, making it unlikely the rest of the family would sleep through the kitchen being trashed and an animal being hunted. "it took me hours to check the basement, board up the window it got into, and clean up all the blood and body parts." It also seems a bit odd that he would clean up all this mess and fix the kitchen (which was in ruins) all without telling his wife while looking for a job and new house (which would take multiple days, if not months).

Wording issues; "The creature than (then) tore into the raccoon (raccoon's) lower torso.", “....I received better job offers.” (while technically correct, 'I received a better job offer.' would make a bit more sense as he's accepting a singular job.), "being 10 years old at the time I did not ask anymore (any more) questions", etc.

Ending: The ending feels a bit anticlimactic. "I looked outside and almost screamed. By the trashcans were 5 beings. Three of them, the size of cats, were tearing apart the dead raccoon. The other two were at least eight feet tall and one of them was nursing." and the inclusion of the Rake feels out of place "I have heard about this creature on the internet. It is called a rake, but I thought that it was just a story!" as the creature really doesn't act like the Rake does in the original story. It feels like this line is a bit shoe-horned in. It also violates our spinoff rules to write stories featuring creepypasta monster that aren't your own creation. I hope that helps for your Youtube video.