Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31315220-20170529072139/@comment-24101790-20170530175448

You seem to be repeating a lot of the issues present in your other story. I would suggest looking over your previous WW post as well as reading this one for reference with your next story.

Awkward wording: "I was 12 and very stupid at the time, me and a few friend's heard a new story about a guy having hundreds of disgusting child porn", "we spent hours searching for any websites, we found website (sic, also redundant) with disgusting images of children with flesh, lounges (sic) and eyes removed", "they took it into investigation (sic) to this day I still don't know if he has been arrested and if the website had been taken down. I hope to god that he's dead and the website was (is) gone for good.", etc.

Punctuation: Commas are needed where there are line breaks. "Wait my real name was John how did he know my name?", "I hear a loud ping on my phone(comma missing) it was a photo of a young boy horribly mutilated(.)", "I dropped my phone in pure shock(comma missing) a message papered (sic)", etc. I suggest reading the story aloud to yourself and noting where you come across natural pauses. As a general rule of thumb, where you pause will be where some form of punctuation is needed.

Punctuation issues cont.: Punctuation missing before dialogue. "I said "H-hi?"", "as a webcam came on a man who seemed to look like he was in his late 30s spoke(,/:) "Hello John, I've been expecting you."", "After 5 minutes I replied "How do you know my name?"", etc. Additionally dialogue should be spaced out so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. This is done to improve story flow and prevent misattribution.

Story issues: The introduction needs a lot of work. "I was 12 and very stupid at the time, me and a few friend's heard a new (news) story about a guy having hundreds of (images of) disgusting child porn ,after months of research, I decided to try to access the deep web." What exactly precipitates this event? Why after hearing about the Deep Web would the protagonist just randomly decide to investigate (especially if the images disgusted them so much)? It would be like saying 'The sight and smell of seafood makes me sick so I decided to work at Red Lobster'. It doesn't make much sense and makes it seem like the protagonist has no reason for doing what they're doing.

Story issues cont.: The story is really formulaic. It follows the trajectory of most Deep Web stories where a protagonist investigates the Deep Web, comes across a shock/gore site, and someone gives away their personal information. There really isn't a lot here that separates your story from the other Deep Web creepypastas and the gore feels bland as well. "The man pulled out a large butcher knife and began to chop into his arms. Blood oozed out of his arms, I could see the pain in his eyes. The sick fuck got a screw driver and gouged his eyes out."

Ending: "they took it into investiation to this day I still don't know if he has been arrested and if the website had been taken down. I hope to god that he's dead and the website was gone for good." This comes across as pretty anti-climactic. The older man knows all of John's personal information (somehow, despite this being his initial visit and interaction with a man who's only known him for a few moments and was apparently waiting for him in a chat room despite not knowing when he would show up), I would think the story would try to resolve that conflict in some way.

Final: There are other issues here, but this review is getting on the long side and there are other posts in the writer's workshop that still need a review so I'm going to cut this a bit short. I'm sorry, but with the rampant awkward wording, punctuation, spelling, and story issues, I really don't think this one can be salvaged. The plot is too similar to dozens of other Deep Web creepypastas and there really isn't much to differentiate them from yours.