Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25880794-20141221050056/@comment-24381191-20141221144652

This was way better than the original one. You still have some issues, the boxes are there and your paragraphs are too short. You unnecessarily separate lines that would be better off in a single paragraph.

'I remember the first gift I got her that beautiful friendship bracelet.'

Before that, there needs to be a comma.

' she wore so proudly,' the 'S' in she should be capital and an 'it' before so.

Wait, wait, you were dating and got her a friendship bracelet? Usually it's the girl that friendzones the guy. Ouch.

Also, you say that you vistied your mother 'last winter' implying that many years have passed but when your mother explains what actually happened she acts like it was just this year.

She didn't really bother replying too busy cooking for the Sunday brunch for everyone.

After replying, there should be a comma.

 "I had thought you had forgotten all her..."

You mean, "forgotten all about her."

I sat there staring at the walls, not sure how my mind could have played tricks with me, wondering what else had I been fooled by my subconscious.

Once again, you mean "fooled about by my subconscious."

My eyes dropped down to the ground and I closed them listening to nothing but the quiet of my own heartbeat.

After 'closed them,' there needs to be a comma and it should be 'the quiet sound (or a better word if you can come up with it) of my heartbeat.