Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20170913043428/@comment-4849011-20170916203108

Okay, I'm back!
 * “My family lived in the Surrey village of Mirabelle which was a postcard-perfect sort of place--tidy village greens, quaint thatched cottages bedecked with begonias and geraniums, plenty of neighborly folks and noisy kids. Nothing to disturb the peace there apart from an off course fox hunt or garden raiding herds of livestock. Then WWII came and with it came the frequent nighttime air-raid and gas mask drills, the whole town blackouts and evacuees streaming in droves from London.- “My family lived in the Surrey village of Mirabelle which was a postcard-perfect sort of place--tidy village greens, quaint thatched cottages bedecked with begonias and geraniums, plenty of neighborly folks and noisy kids. Nothing to disturb the peace there apart from an off-course fox hunt or garden-raiding herds of livestock. Then WWII came and with it came the frequent nighttime air-raid and gas mask drills, the whole town blackouts and evacuees streaming in droves from London.
 * “Well, we kids had strict nightly curfews due to the blackouts and listening to the radio was the only few things there to do until our bedtime. Since Dad had taped newspaper over the back of the radio to hide the glowing tubes we could listen to it during the blackout.- “Well, we kids had strict nightly curfews due to the blackouts and listening to the radio was one of the only few things there to do until our bedtime. Since Dad had taped newspaper over the back of the radio to hide the glowing tubes we could listen to it during the blackout.
 * “It was a cold October night, and Halloween was two weeks away. My sister Emily (who was 11) and my brother Danny (who was7) had snuck downstairs to listen to the radio, they brought me along too on the promise that I would keep and not tattle on them.- “It was a cold October night, and Halloween was two weeks away. My sister Emily (who was 11) and my brother Danny (who was 7) had snuck downstairs to listen to the radio. They brought me along too on the promise that I would keep quiet and not tattle on them.
 * The names of the radio shows should be italicized.
 * It was Mum rushing in with a fire poker and Dad not far behind with a rowan oak club.- “It was Mum rushing in with a fire poker and Dad not far behind with a rowan oak club.
 * While Mum yanked Danny away by his arm, Da ran forward and kicked the door shut.- “While Mum yanked Danny away by his arm, Dad ran forward and kicked the door shut.
 * “Never ever answer the blooming door at this hour!” she told him sternly, especially when those mad, Gentry deaders are walking about!- “‘Never ever answer the blooming door at this hour!’ she told him sternly. ‘Especially when those mad, Gentry deaders are walking about!’
 * “To this very day, both my siblings always check their peepholes before answering their door and always kept a large dog and stout club close by.”- Do you mean “always keep a large dog”?
 * I’m just about ready to move into Leonard’s tree house. I closed my journal and laid it aside.- I would start a new paragraph after “I’m just about ready to move into Leonard’s tree house.”
 * “Anyway, hippies just don’t strike me as the enterprising types to go tramping through some haunted woods and piling up stones into some mini stone hedge. They much rather let someone else do all the hard work while they stay at home gathered around the table, sipping wine spiced with cinnamon, getting stoned out of their minds, telling bawdy jokes, and thinking up long-winded folk ballads.”- “Anyway, hippies just don’t strike me as the enterprising types to go tramping through some haunted woods and piling up stones into some mini Stonehedge. They’d much rather let someone else do all the hard work while they stay at home gathered around the table, sipping wine spiced with cinnamon, getting stoned out of their minds, telling bawdy jokes, and thinking up long-winded folk ballads.”
 * Unlike the Humes (non-Gerdin), my people and felines could easily understand one another. It all had to do with us Gerdin possessing a similar wavelength as well having your human lineage spiced with traces of a feline species. I could also go on and on about cat girl and furry fanatics as well ethical and moral issue dealing with a Gattaca-type scenario, but that would take much too long and would open up a whole can of worms.- Unlike the Humes (non-Gerdin), my people and felines could easily understand one another. It all had to do with us Gerdin possessing a similar wavelength as well as having your human lineage spiced with traces of a feline species. I could also go on and on about cat girls and furry fanatics as well as ethical and moral issues dealing with a Gattaca-type scenario, but that would take much too long and would open up a whole can of worms.
 * “Alright, not all hippies are decadent pot-smoking homebodies,” I acknowledged. Then I added with a frown. “But that still doesn’t mean they got plenty of Old Magical Flower Power to put up some arcanely powerful barricade against evil.- “Alright, not all hippies are decadent pot-smoking homebodies,” I acknowledged. Then I added with a frown, “But that still doesn’t mean they got plenty of Old Magical Flower Power to put up some arcanely powerful barricade against evil.
 * “The only real magic they use nowadays is mainly the domestic, less dramatic sort such as enhancing the flavor of their goat cheese and making their glass and crystal ornaments more sparkily and less prone to breakage.”- “The only real magic they use nowadays is mainly the domestic, less dramatic sort such as enhancing the flavor of their goat cheese and making their glass and crystal ornaments more sparkly and less prone to breakage.”
 * “Okay, okay, it was all Orrim propaganda!” I said irritably. “I’m sorry I said that thing about the hippies being wusses and all that. Still that doesn’t mean that they’re high, noble and superior to the non-mellow Folk! The Chanterelles proved to be corrupt and hollow underneath their regalness; if there really was such a Gentry family.”- “Okay, okay, it was all Orrim propaganda!” I said irritably. “I’m sorry I said that thing about the hippies being wusses and all that. Still, that doesn’t mean that they’re high, noble and superior to the non-mellow Folk! The Chanterelles proved to be corrupt and hollow underneath their regalness; if there really was such a Gentry family.” (I also think either a comma or a semicolon would work between “regalness” and “if”, so it’s up to you)
 * I got unsteadily to my feet and stretched my stiff muscles. As I headed for the bathroom I thought how easily it was for a person to be fooled by things like shadows and firelight.- I got unsteadily to my feet and stretched my stiff muscles. As I headed for the bathroom I thought how easy it was for a person to be fooled by things like shadows and firelight. Or I got unsteadily to my feet and stretched my stiff muscles. As I headed for the bathroom I thought how easily a person could be fooled by things like shadows and firelight.
 * One of these days, Mom going to turn your into a stole, I thought.- One of these days, Mom’s going to turn you into a stole, I thought.
 * My ears, listening intently, heard nothing but the nearby forest rustled softly in the wind and rain.- My ears, listening intently, heard nothing but the nearby forest rustling softly in the wind and rain.

It's interesting to see Kes's new pets (which makes sense since she received some as welcoming gifts) and to see her talk about her family (since she was alone in the previous series). Kes having to put up with stupid questions and the mention of Google Earth add elements of realism. As I've mentioned before, talking about WWII childhood fears makes the story more unsettling. Tabitha didn't like Kes pointing out there were arrogant hippies, but I sure did. I'm not condemning all hippies; it's just that I've heard some really arrogant and self-righteous ones. As for the silver toothpick, I've heard of members of the nobility having toothpicks like that. I can imagine Madam Mosley getting one as a sign that's she's made it in the world. I don't have any issues that I can think of (other than the grammatical issues I pointed out). If I think of any other comments, I'll let you know.