An Apology

Dear Jessica,

This is just a quick note to let you know how ashamed I am of my behaviour at your party last night. I feel it almost unnecessary to say that alcohol was at the root of my actions, and admit that it is no excuse for ruining your lovely party. Smashing the window, climbing upon your desk and bellowing at you right at the climax of your famous bear story was, on reflection, incredibly disrespectful, as was assaulting Charlotte when she tried to wrestle me to the ground. My use of language was also rather questionable, and I would like to say now that you are not, as I alleged, a dirty whore greedily sucking at the prick of every man you lay your eyes and hands on. I have also enclosed a sum that should cover the cleaning costs of your carpet, the repair of your window and the replacement of that cabinet. I hope you understand that everyone was drunk, and that with the benefit of hindsight I won’t be doing anything like that again.

I do, however, feel that you owe me an apology as well. My behaviour was out of line, yes, but so was calling the police. I had calmed down by the time they arrived, and as I recall I was most apologetic, yet I had to spend a good half hour running from them before they were willing to give up. I was also hurt by the things you said to me but, in light of the stress my behaviour was obviously causing, I feel your choice of words was excusable. If you would be so kind as to leave it under the gnome near the back door, I’ll pick it up at some point this week. After I receive your apology, I think it would be best for us to spend some time apart. You were far more attractive before you knew I was watching, and your screams upon my arrival let me know the feeling is mutual.

Yours forever,

John