Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26826668-20160721051600/@comment-26826668-20160721183055

ChristianWallis wrote:

So the major issues are to do with wording and plot.

Wording: You make a lot of little errors that would have been picked up by a spell check (they were picked up by me using MS word). You frequently change tense which is just a huge mechanical error. Your wording is awkward and not always clear, and you frequently fail to convey a clear relationship between the respective objects, subjects and actions. The overall sequence of events you convey isn’t very clear, and the entire beginning (up until the bit where the brothers start to run towards the lake) feels like a waste/filler.

And plot wise this just drags its heels and continues to delve into unnecessary and often redundant information that isn’t particularly interesting. Plus the basic premise relies on an unrealistic set of events that aren’t particularly convincing. I think you should find a more realistic reason that the family would become separated in this manner. Psychiatric detainment usually results in this sort of isolation – it might make a more fitting reason that the brother would be stuck at a hospital for five years. And why would a university student not see their mother for the entire time? Students come home regularly for holidays and between semesters, and someone needs to pay the (brutal) tuition fees. They don’t just completely sever relationships with their family, and are often so damned broke there’s no option but to maintain contact with family no matter how much they hate them. A scholarship would explain the tuition, and clarifying that the guy has a part time job would also explain why he wouldn’t return home during the summer break (or is it spring break in America?), but either way you do need to do more than just say “he went to university so he didn’t see any of his family at all during that time”.

In terms of style I wouldn’t rely on your reader’s having this much patience. Get to the point and get to it quickly – no one has paid for this experience so they’re not compelled for any reason to stick around if it isn’t instantly interesting. I don’t care about this guy, or his life, until you tell me to; when you start by having him looking out the window at stormy clouds, then have him go on about his dad being a prick, and then have him say “let me tell you my life story” my immediate reaction is “nooooope” because I can already detect the tell tale signs of a story that isn’t being efficient.

So in conclusion - fixing the mechanical issues might bring this up to QS, I'm not sure, but it still might be worth going through this with a machete and cutting out the filler.

Got it. Honestly this is the result of writing the story in a day for school because I tend to procrastinate, and it was never intended to be a story written as a creepypasta. Thanks for the advice; it's very helpful. I'll keep this story off the wiki for a while, until I practically rewrite the whole thing. I'll fix the awkward phrasing, I'll change the pace of the plot, and overall make the story realistic. The story honestly doesn't make sense lol. I'll work on this at some point and make it like 10x better. Thanks again! :)