Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24821182-20140531143540/@comment-24821182-20140531160152

WaveDivisionMultiplexer wrote: Resident, I love your work, but this pasta fell short of my expectations. It could just be me, though.

For one, you might want to change seize to cease, as in stop. Maybe you could put away the italics for the lines you want to stress on (they were colour blind) because a line break is expressive enough.

But that's just bits and pieces and details. Let's get to the real story. It read like mythology, which is probably something you wanted to achieve, but the point of mythology is that it's so extensive. This was a linear plotline, and that's what took away the appeal of mythology. The ending as a whole was pretty predictable, because writer's are always chastizing humanity for its transgressions. But that's okay I guess; you just have to pull it off somehow by indulging so deeply in the story that the reader doesn't think about it. Maybe you could digress a bit, and explain some other factor of the creation theory that is yours (look at epics! They're all a large mess of stories). It helps add depth to your story and keep a bunch of plots alive, this capturing the reader's attention. Like in Merchant of Venice where there was 1) the casket theme, 2) shylock's demand, 3)lorenzo and jessica/Gratiano and nerissa/etc love plots. Etc.

That's just a random suggestion I'm throwing your way, so you can choose whether to do this or not. Yeah, I agree with your entire review. I just had the story in mind for some time now and wanted to write it down, but I didn't realize how cliché it actually was. It is too linear, and very predictable. I think I'll look at it again, and see what I can do, though I might move on to something else.

Anyway, I'm really grateful for your honest feedback. I think that if I'd posted this as an article, it might have gotten deleted straight away when someone with a sense of proper literature came along.