Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35280243-20160206000728/@comment-26007602-20160207003416

So I have a few issues with this story.

First off, your writing style. I think the term is "purple prose". Your writing style isn't too descriptive, yet it uses all these fancy words to make up for the fact. For example:

"As it begins to encroach upon me..." What kind of guy being chased by a monster is going to describe it as "encroaching upon him"? No, the dude's going to say that the monster was beginning to get closer and closer. Better yet, you can say it indirectly: leave out that phrase and rely solely on sensory details like sound or even smell to get a sense of how close the monster is.

" Luckily in the state of events my body breaks from its paralysis and comes back to life as I turn my back to the monstrosity and allow my legs to carry me down the opposite passageway, rushing as far away from that, ‘thing’ as possible. " I don't know, this may just be me, but this line seems so overly dramatic. This story is told in the present tense, but the narrator is so keen on going into unnecessary detail like this, and it really bothers me. Why not just say something like, "I broke away from my trance and took off through the opposite passageway, putting as much distance between and that thing as possible." I'm not saying that that was much better, but it was more concise, which I think this story needs. It needs to be shorter; there are too many unnecessary details and not enough real description.

Instead of describing the monster, you write something like this, "After the adrenaline subsides I begin to think about what I have done to deserve such a fate as this, what events in my life have come to bring me into such a nightmare." Do you see how just... off this is? The dude's in danger and this is the thought that comes to mind? " I begin to think about what I have done to deserve such a fate as this, what events in my life have come to bring me into such a nightmare"? Do you see why this seems so overly dramatic for the situation he's in? I really hope I'm getting my point across. Please let me know if I'm not explaining it well enough.

The story is filled with lines like that, but not enough lines that really give an idea of the environment or the current situation. Describe the monster, describe the maze, describe the sensory details, describe the character's reaction. But don't give us something like: " I’ve run into the monster avoiding it with a few close calls, but I plan not to get caught as I do not know what inhumane things it may do." You don't need to describe why the guy doesn't want to be caught by the monster. We understand why he doesn't want to be caught.

You need to vary your writing style. You start soooo many sentences off with, "As I...", that it becomes noticeable. Another note: I would try and divide the paragraphs into smaller chunks as they are currently fairly hard on the eyes.

Additionally, I think this story is due for a proofread. I don't really like pointing out specific errors, so someone else (or you!) will have to find them. There were enough however that it was noticeable and that hurts the story.

I'll stop now because either my point has been made, or it's too confusing. Let me know if you need clarification.