Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27012445-20150923201343/@comment-25980905-20151002114758

Stage Two. L̥̘̼ẹ͕̖̞͓͍͟t'̺̪̳̺s̱̭̬̠̫̮͇ ̼̟̘͙ḅ̨̩̠̦e̼͜g̱̯̙͍̱̣͕in̼̣̱͈̜̝̤ ̬s̩͙̦̺̗͇ͅh͜a̷̺l̩̯̹̜̙̪l͓̰̟̭͙ͅ ̡̘̳w̜̥e͎̖̠̜̲̫?̺̪͎͜

Corrections:

Paragraph Two: 'My children, my deacons have...' => 'My children, my deacons, have...'. 'They were my messengers to the world; embodiments...' => Incorrect use of semicolon, revise, suggestion: 'They were my messengers to the world, embodiments...'. '...unique among a sea..' => '...unique amongst a sea...' may fit the character better.

Paragraph Three: '... once again; those eyes that sparkle...' => incorrect use of semicolon, revise, suggestion: '... once again, those eyes that sparkle...'.

Paragraph Four: '...entered my life; and eight years...' => incorrect use of semicolon. '...own ways or they all met a painful death from following his wicked ways...' => too much repetition of ways, consult thesaurus. 'There was only cold calculating intelligence fueled by...' => sentence needs a pause, recommendation: 'There was only cold calculating intelligence, fuelled by...' (Also, there was the spelling error of 'fuelled'). Overall, this paragraph has some tensing issues, make sure all things relating to now are present tense and all thing relating to then are past tense (or just have the whole thing past tense. Whatever you choose, just make sure you do it right).

Paragraph Five: '...the community...' => the story would be more effective if you named a city/town/community (even if it's made up). 'They were abducted from their homes, from playgrounds, or simply right off of the streets.' => Comma before 'or' is unnecessary. 'Nothing was found.' => sentence fragment, consider revising: '...kids, nothing was found.'. 'The conditions of corpses...' => 'The conditions of the corpses...'. 'In 2000, the children started disappearing again, six abductions; each one taken with ease.' => 'In 2000, the children started disappearing again. There were six more abductions, each one taken with ease.'. 'Every precaution was taken to protect the children.' => as the paragraph goes on, it is as though another six were taken on top of the previous twelve, consider: 'Every precaution had been taken to protect those children [and all the others in the community].'.

Paragraph Six: '...normal sized house but still quite large...' => 'normal sized house but it was still quite large...'. '...steps quickly cover the distance between it and me...' => 'it and me'? What is this 'it'? The sentence is awkward. Consider something different to 'it and me', quickly approaching would have been fine. '...Thunk...' => Italics and no capitalisation for first 'thunk'. '... he reached around his back with his free hand...' => '... he reached around behind him with his free hand...'. 'He lets go...' => 'He let go...' Stop using present tense for the past. 'I screamed "Stop!" I ran at the man...' => 'I screamed "Stop!" and ran at the man...' (This means '...and pounded...' will need to be revised). '...the collar of the shirt...' => '...the collar of my shirt...'. If you have two describing words (ie 'Dark hateful human eyes...') you need commas or you use 'and' (ie 'Dark and hateful human eyes...' or 'Dark, hateful human eyes...') [I will not mention this again, as you've done it a lot more than once, just like tensing (which I am now, also, disregarding)]. 'The drug quickly took affect...' => 'affect' is the verb, you meant the noun 'effect': 'The drug quickly took effect...'. '...the shape of black marker...' => '...the shape of a black marker...'. Sentence revision: 'I clumsily grabbed for the marker...' => Revise.

Paragraph Seven: 'I lifted my head up...' => wasn't this meant to be difficult and laborious? One does not simply 'lift their head up'. 'A young girl, about my age was...' => 'A young girl, about my age, was...'.

Paragraph Eight: '...fragments of memory...' => '...fragments of my memory...' (?). '...and elderly man...' => 'an'. '...two other pairs of men...' => so... Four? That is not what came across in the rest of the paragraph: Revise. ''Note: the final sentences of this paragraph have various errors. They need revision. (Capitalisation and commas, overall it is a tad awkward in structure and flow).''

Paragraph Nine: '...the lion and and ox...' => '...the Lion and the Ox...'. '...was the results of...' => '...was the reult of...' (Also, there's a semicolon in this sentence that needs revision, possible comma substitution). '...point, I was shutting down.' => remove comma. '...crate, emaciated, dehydrated, and malnourished.' => '...crate: emancipated, dehydrated and malnourished.'. '...Your safe now...' => '...You're safe now...'. '...words FBI on...' => '...words 'FBI' [alternatively, use italics] on...'.

Paragraph Ten: '...any ability to trust...' => '...my ability to trust...'. '...of fear; the fear...' => incorrect use of semicolon. '...extremes; the stress...' => incorrect use of semicolon.

Paragraph Eleven: '...that man with a goat mask...' => '...the man with the goat mask...'. '...and went back to our lives as best we could...' => you can't possibly know that about her (unless you're omniscient): '...and I went back to my life as best I could...'. '...time; a place where I would be safe...' => incorrect use of semicolon. 'With the help of Agent Barrett...' => this sentence has excessive commas, revise.

Paragraph Twelve: 'When I reminisce, it is still so vivid in my mind.' => comma is not needed.

Paragraph Fourteen: 'When I turned seventeen, my dad suffered a heart attack and died leaving me alone.' => 'When I turned seventeen my Dad suffered a heart attack and died, leaving me alone.'. '...stack of paper with years records and articles of disappearances...' => Revise. Possible: '...stacks of paper with year by year records and articles of disappearances...'. ''Note: the segement with the protagonist getting all emotional with the dog was not needed and contributes nothing to the story. Some emotion is good, but it was overdone here and has no reason to be there. I'm also not going to bother with semicolons and commas anymore, the examples listed above should be more than enough.''

Paragraph Fifteen: '...zipped up my jacket a little higher...' => feels awkward, revise, suggestion: '...zipped my jacket up a little higher...'.

Paragraph Sixteen: '...sure of. It begins tonight...' => '...sure of: it begins tonight...'. ''Note: affection for the dog is irrelevant when you're stalking someone. Any sudden moves could alert them of the character's presence and the character just decides to pat their dog? This is a Creepypasta, not a story of affection towards pets.''

Paragraph Seventeen: '...I have become that kind of evil...' => I would have used this line for further clarity (ie '...I have become a murderer...'). '...congregation, Father!' => remove comma.

Considerations:

Consider making the email and text message in italics. Also consider using a colon at the start of a new line (beneath the farewell message) and in front of the name at the end of each message to create this:

"Sincerest apologies,
 * -Oaura"

(Alternatively, just use a space or something so that it's more legible)

My Thoughts

This story was good. You know what? I almost got a bit of a chill when reading the email. You've taken a large step away from 1999 and the story now feels like it is in its own universe. My only real criticism is the over-emotional-and-affectionate-with-the-pet areas of the story that truly contribute nothing to the story and are not fit for a Creepypasta (horror) story. I liked everything except for the aforementioned parts. There are still grammatical errors, spelling errors and awkward sentencing. However, the story overall is getting really good. I would definitely recommend using italics for the email and text message as a cleat divider and the colon (or something that makes it more legible) for the signing of the name of the sender. I'm actually suitably impressed with how much this story has improved. Good job!