Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180916054602/@comment-27838637-20180916080554

I don't really know what I just read and why, but I've been meaning to help out on the WW and this happenned to be the story I landed on.

Honestly I don't like it. I feel like it might be an aquired taste and the premise just isn't for me. Or it might be the style itself. Either way I feel like you've come up with a preposterous premise and you're trying your hardest to make it work, so I'll try and look at this objectively.

I feel the pacing is all over the place. You spend a few paragraphs at the beginning where the protagonist goes about mundane activities. Nothing really happens here and it seems like none of this contributes to the story in any way. It doesn't set the tone or build atmosphere at all; it's just mundane. I get the point of this is to show him finding ways to deal with his boredom before he finally succumbs to his need to pleasure himself; but if he is truly a chronic masturbator then that would probably be the first thing he would do.

The first action of the protagonist should be to go straight to milking his seed as soon as his mother leaves. But this poses a potential problem - why couldnt he just shut the door and wank himself off whilst his mother was home? Plenty of teens do it and it doesn't seem vital that his mother would have to be out of the house for him to be able to pull this off.

I also feel like much of the humour falls flat. It is hard to blend horror and comedy, and I feel like much of the humour and jokes are flaccid. Apart from that, the story itself doesn't seem to arouse excitement and reads as more of a trollpasta than a serious attempt at a story. I feel for such a preposterous idea to work there needs to be a blend of darkness and humour, whilst this seems like one of the many stories I could have found on the trollpasta wiki. Ridiculous ideas and comedic plotlines can work on this site but they need to be at least semi-serious, and while this might be a serious attempt, it certainly doesn't feel like it.

My final issue is that there doesn't seem to be a tone for this story. You begin with a somewhat comedic foreplay, then the story attempts to be erotic, before it climaxes with some elements of horror, and finishes with what seems to be an attempt at delivering a moral message. Even for a story as ridickulous as this, I can't help but feel that it's execution is subpar. Ultimately it feels like you're pushing to make a silly idea work and you yourself don't exactly know what exactly you are writing.

My advice is that you shelve this idea and wait for a good idea to come to you, rather than forcing a story onto this premise. If you really want to write a story around this premise, it's probably going to take alot more planning and drafts before you can pull it off. As it stands, I don't think this story will make it onto the site.