Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26112985-20151230003529/@comment-26112985-20151231223003

Mikemacdee wrote: I like the intro suggesting that the narrator has done this heinous thing, as it leaves us wondering why he did it and how we could possibly sympathize with him, which is intriguing. He obviously had a reason, or thinks he did anyway, so I'm curious to see that reason and judge for myself.

The biggest issue with the story is that a lot of these passages need to be more concise, to make the reading experience smoother. This passage is one of the worst offenders:

''However, what is even more unbearable to me is that if I continue to live, I will soon exist to be the murderer in the midst of the night who kills the slime of Raleigh’s urban underbelly. ''

It's a Godzilla of a sentence: huge, unwieldy, and wrecking everything around it. You could easily cure it with, I'd rather be a suicide than a murderer.

My mind was virtually exhausted from a tough day of work, and weariness was ebbing way at my strength.

Another example, with weird word choices to boot. "Virtually" serves no purpose, and "weariness was ebbing way at my strength" feel like you're suddenly trying to write like Poe or something. The narrative would benefit from being more bare-bones overall, partly because the attempts at eloquence fall flat, and partly because nobody would write a suicide note like this anyway. They'd get to the point.

There was a wretched tearing of flesh as my arm was jerked backwards and sliced by the broken glass of my shattered window.

Why would he describe it this way? He's trying to absolve himself, not tell a horror story. It's an awkward execution overall and reads very unnaturally.

''For an infinitesimal amount of time, everything was simply black. Then, I fell into the very depths of the indefinite.''

He went from "unconscious" to "more unconscious"? What does this even mean?

''eternally scalding every inch of me while I cried out in endless and unforgiving pain. ''

Excessive and needless use of synonyms for "endless". Not sure if "unforgiving" belongs here either.

This should illustrate the immediate issues with the story, since the same ones keep cropping up. You can fix them and the rest of the story by exercising my two favorite Mark Twain quotes: say what you want to say in as few words as possible, and always use the right word, not its second cousin. It'll be easier to focus on the content when the narrative has all the bumps smoothed out. Work on it for awhile, then take a break, then come back to it and work on it some more; make sure you don't just bang out some edits and then re-upload it right away.

Oh, and that final paragraph really ought to go. Larger text or not, it's not scary, merely humorous like a trollpasta. I've gone through and proofread this pasta once more, fixing the issues with the sentences. The nonsensical phrasing has also been cleaned up a bit as well as the unnecessary wording. I'll keep that qoute by Mark Twain in mind, perhaps I'll hang it up on my wall.

I can't figure out what I want the last sentence of this pasta to be. It would be awkward if left it off on the above line, so I need something to capitalize on the idea I was stating and end the story at the same time. I'm kicking around ideas of a sort of "final goodbye," but nothing has stuck just yet.

Are you going to provide more feedback on the pasta? Thanks either way, you're insight is invaluable to me.