Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25504966-20150111214258/@comment-24040907-20150111231113

Ah, yes, a classic journal pasta. This one was short, simple, and to-the-point. I was interested in the idea of a “melodic scream” and I was also interested in Seth’s character. I believe the character was gifted with a rare form of Synesthesia, an intriguing mental disposition that would make for an intriguing character. I also liked Seth because he is one of those “Cult Overlords who just so happens to be a kid”. I wish that you would’ve given Seth some more description, more lines of dialogue, and a bit more depth.



What exactly was at the presentation that gave the writer of the journal a split-personality and the enhanced ability to sense sounds? I theorize that Seth must’ve dosed the newcomer with LSD, temporarily scrambling his senses so that he could “enjoy” murdering the other cultist. I suggest you elaborate on that, if only to fatten up this bone-thin story. However, if you want to keep your audience guessing, it’s best to leave out those trivial details.



Concerning Grammar:



Paragraph 1: You wrote: “I am writing this because I came in contact with some very bone chilling information…”



Change “in” to “into”



Paragraph 1: You wrote: “On top of his head his wry grey hair had bald spots in it. Like someone ripped it out.”



Use a comma to join those two fragment sentences together into one coherent thought.



Paragraph 2: You wrote: “I decided to plug this in my laptop to see what all the fuss was about.”



Change “in” to “into” or “in to”

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<p class="MsoNormal">Paragraph 2: You wrote: “It included a single file that was untitled and seemed to some type of online diary”

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<p class="MsoNormal">Please insert “be” after “to” and before “some”

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<p class="MsoNormal">Paragraph 3: You wrote: “4/2: Today my friend Charlie invited me to come to his sons high school basketball game.”

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<p class="MsoNormal"> Change “sons” to “son’s”

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<p class="MsoNormal"> Paragraph 4: You wrote: “He had a black hoodie on, blue jeans, grey sneakers, medium long brown hair, green eyes, and a very large scar that vertical across his left eye.”

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<p class="MsoNormal">Add “was” after “that” and before “vertical”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Paragraph 7: You wrote: “'''Same stuff at the group. Still cant remember much of it but it was relaxing. I asked for the name of the group and I cant remember what they said.''' “

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Change “cant” to “can’t” and change “and” to “but”.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Paragraph 8: You wrote: “This time every one had black robes with this wooden masks that made no eye sockets, yet they could see.”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Change “every one” to “everyone”, change “this” to “these” and “made” to “had”. Also, add “still” after “could” and before “see”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Paragraph 8: You wrote: “'''Then everybody left I went home and I couldn’t stop smiling. I liked it.''' “

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Add “and” after “left” and before “I”.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Paragraph 9: You wrote: “The fact that he shared this with is amazing!”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto"> Add “me” after “with” and before “is”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto"> Paragraph 21: You wrote: “. I seen Seth cut down someone with his hook walking on the street and he recorded them screaming.”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Change “seen” to “saw”. This sentence is also a dangling modifier, that is, it sounds like the hook is walking down the street. Consider changing the sentence to “I saw Seth cut someone down with his hook while walking on the street. Then he recorded them screaming” That will be a little easier to read.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">All in all, I’d rate it at a 4.85