Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28598766-20160623195207



This is the draft of a poem I'm working on, I hope to post it, but I wanted a little criticism so I can polish it up. Earlier I fixed a few problems with the meter, but please tell me if there are any other mistakes, inconsistencies, or problems with it in general.



The smell of sand and sea-salt

Hangs heavy in the breeze

The past still holds our memories

Our names still mark the trees



But glory-days have come and gone

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And now I walk alone

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">My footsteps have grown heavy

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And I'm worn out to the bone

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">This plague of guilt is all I know

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Nightmares I can’t unsee

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">These visions haunt my broken mind

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Your face won't let me be

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And so now after all these years

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">I've come back to our Bay

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">In hopes that I'll find peace of mind

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Within the brackish spray

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Grainy sand beneath my feet

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">A storm brews overhead

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And just beyond the breakers

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Lies your shadowy deathbed

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Carried by the current

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Into the darkness of the sea

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Did the tide take you away?

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Or did the land take me?

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">I've been away for far too long

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">I know what you would say

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">That nothing else could matter now

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">For now I've come to stay

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">I’ve finally come to join you

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">At the bottom of the sea

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">I'd give it all to hear your voice

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And hear how you love me

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Murky Grey surrounds me

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">And engulfs my throat and head

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">The freezing ocean water

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Serves to burn my lungs instead

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">But I am given solace

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">That you were spared the trek

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Instead you had the mercy

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif">Of my hands around your neck

<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:"TimesNewRoman",serif"> <ac_metadata title="Riptide (A poem that I would like some criticism on.)"> </ac_metadata>