Angel, Is Confused

I am most certainly confused, but not.

I've spent my whole life researching this topic, well, most of it. I think I don't remember anymore. I've been researching things my whole life. That’s kind of my whole point of existence. I study things. One thing I cannot grasp the root of, it seems at least, is what on earth is the difference between angels and demons? I swear, and I regret doing that, but I can't seem to reach any logical conclusion.

I am an angel, obviously, well not really; I am not a messenger and the term "angel" means messenger. I am a celestial being. I am a scholar. I document stuff and I try to figure stuff out. It's preprogrammed in me. I think so at least. It's just natural to me.

I live in Heaven, which is like a city, perhaps a state, or maybe just a plain of existence. I don't really know. Again, it's just kind of naturally embedded in me. This will be a reoccurring theme; I just somewhat accept the nature of my existence. Somewhat. Here in Heaven, we have annals; obviously, heaven has its own history and such. According to heavenly annals, there was once a conflict among my kind. It's not specified what it was about or how it occurred, all I know, not that I know anything, it just feels, and yet doesn't really feel; right that some of us were banished and became what are called demons. Now I know what demons are as individuals, but I cannot seem to see the uniqueness of their nature when compared to my own. The annals have caused quite the stir in my mind. It is stated the demons have given into the carnal nature of sin. That seems wrong as in order to fall for a carnal desire, one must have desire. My kind doesn't have that. We don't really have desires or wants, or feelings or even sensations of any kind.

And so, I became confused, but not in the traditional sense of the word. There isn't much of a feeling to my confusion, just odd data. I think. I don't really know. It's almost like it's programmed into me.

The annals state that the demonkind had become so once my kin fell from the heavens. Now, that is odd, considering our world isn't quite above anything. It's in its own space of existence. There is nothing below. So perhaps stepping into the physical world means falling from the heavens. Does that make me a demon? I've been to the physical world many-a-time. I doubt I'm a demon. I am certain I am an angel, well not really, I am not a messenger after all.

One point I'd like to note is that the appearances of demonkind and angelkind are pretty much the same, in heaven, we're all merely waves of energy. Whenever we step into the physical world, however, we gain a physical form. I don't know what contributes to a physical form of each celestial, but it seems rather random and outright humorous at points. I myself take the shape of a large canine with no eyes and a perpetual human smile, topped with fur laced wings in the shape of primate arms. I honestly don't know what my physical form is like, I have no way of seeing myself in the physical realm, I just feel that this is my physical form; it's like I'm programmed this way. One thing I know for sure is that the human whose typing device borrowed to type in this text seems to have expired from viewing my physical form. On that note, I know for a fact, without really knowing, since I don't know anything really, that some demons look exactly like humans while some angels look like misshapen chimeric beings that are in no way functional physically speaking. So physical form is not what differentiates between me and a demon.

This is truly frustrating, but not really, because again, frustration is a sensation and I don't sense things, I just follow a program, I think, I don't know, it's just natural to me. Perhaps, maybe.

Sometimes it is hard to convey my perspective into words.

Regardless, I have to note that demons are in no way more violent than angels, not inherently any way. All the human stereotypes about them are just that; stereotypes. Some angels had committed violent murder, at least, in the human sense of the term. Celestials don't really use violence; we don't have that concept. Because we don't really have a constant physical being and violence is a physical thing. Also, is it possible for a celestial whose physical manifestation a swarm of locusts to be considered committing violence? I doubt humans say locusts commit violent acts. I don't really know, but then again, I don't know anything; it's all preprogrammed in me it seems. It's natural to me at least… I think.

Do I really even think? After all, thinking is a physical reaction inside a brain. I have no brain; therefore, I do not think. I also don't really process things. Then again, I don't really know. I just exist. Maybe, perhaps.

This is really baffling.

That brings me to my ultimate conclusion; I am still unsure of the nature of the difference between angels and demons, more so, I am confused about pretty much everything right now.

Then again, I am not really confused, since confusion is a physical feeling and I have none.

I am intrigued, but then again, I'm not, I can't be.

I don't… know…

I am confused; or not.

Language is terrible… I think, but I don't, it's just a mass of ones and zeroes in my mind, which I don't possess.

What is a mind, I wonder?

Perhaps I do, perhaps I don't

Depends on what it is.

I am confused, and yet cannot be.

What if I am?

I can't really be?

I'm not.

Perhaps.

Maybe.