Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26519347-20150621221720/@comment-26007602-20150622002309

To build off of SoPretentious's grammatical review, I must say that it is not clear who is speaking during this story. The first sentence isn't in quotations, does that mean it isn't spoken to the group? Is it supposed to be addressing the reader instead? Because if so, then it is a fairly clichéd way to start a story. Telling people not to read your story is generally a poor way of opening your story.

You really need to space out your dialogue, as I could not follow who said what. You should also try to differentiate/develop your characters a fair bit more, as they are all interchangeable and the reader can't tell them apart.

The story itself has some "sensical" issues. How does Annie get trapped in a freaking cabin wall? Unless I'm missing something, people don't generally get stuck in walls, especially not eleven freaking kids.  Jesus, how would they even all fit in there? It doesn't make sense for all of them to get stuck inside a wall with no one noticing. The fact that two years later, they somehow decide to take hammers to the walls and uncover all these bodies also doesn't make sense; what drove them to search there two years later? Did they just forget about these kids? Did no one go to search for them? How did that one child survive being trapped in a wall for two years? And how come this Annie girl was missing and they decided to wait until the next day to go and look for her?

If you can answer these questions in a logical way, then great. Address the issues in the story. I imagine you'll need an extensive rewrite for this to make sense. Best of luck.