Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180621195836/@comment-9041013-20180702105523

TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: Sorry for the delay. I finally got enough time to really look through it. I put together a comprehensive list of things I noticed that were gramatically odd or awkward in phrasing. I hope this addresses all of your concerns regarding this work. All of my recommendations are bolded and contained in single brackets, and I tried to be as clear as possible. Keep in mind that these are only recommendations. Obviously, any permanent changes are yours to make.

The story itself is still very strong in my opinion, by the way.

Have you ever heard of the Tatars? Today they are somewhat of an insignificant west Eurasian ethnic group. Eight hundred years [ago] the Tatars[,] or Tartars as the Europeans called the Mongols under the banner of the Golden Horde[,] were considered the scourge of God. Some even assume that the European name for these people were[was] derived from the Hellenic[,] hell like[hell-like] realm known as Tartaros.

I've always been a fan of Mongol culture unfortunately'''[culture. Unfortunately,]''' I did not have a lot of time to appreciate it because I tend to over work myself. Luckily my workaholic tendencies have gotten me sent home on a vacation courtesy of my boss. Which is a good thing[,] of course[,] mostly because I've started feeling like I was burning out.

If you ever experienced a Burnout[burnout,] you should know it takes time to get rid of all that stress[,] and currently and[remove this 'and'] I'm working on it. I even started horse riding[may sound better as 'horseback riding'] again during my vacation as a therapy of sorts. Hadn't done that since I was a kid.

My main problem with being stressed isn't feeling tired and kind of sore all the time[,] but rather the fact that it gives me really weird and uncomfortable dreams. I wouldn't really call them nightmares. Usually my stress induced dreams aren't really scary. I just end up waking up wondering what the hell had happened in my head. Last night however wasn't a usual[perhaps 'typical' would work better here][,] weird dream. It was my first nightmare in years.

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure whether its over or not yet.

It all started yesterday during the evening hours, it'''[hours. It]''' wasn't really late but my pent-up exhaustion must've gotten the best of me. Seeing as how when the skies[would change to simply 'As the skies'] went[shifted?] from orange and red to black splattered with tiny sprinkles of white[,] my internal clock forced me to drop on my bed as soon as the[would change to 'bed, the'] soothing sounds of Altan Urag's music filled[Altan Urag filling] my ears through the headphones. In a matter of moments I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I was fading into the dream world.

The music was replaced by blissful silence which lasted for what seemed like a few[mere?] moments before I could hear someone calling out from the distance. These were calls for someone, "Nicco… Nicco… Niccolo" They kept getting louder with each attempt at reaching whomever they were destined to reach.

I must be dreaming, I mused to myself.

The calls wouldn't stop and eventually I've opened my eyes to a whole new scenery. I was no longer in my apartment bedroom. Instead I've found myself in some stone building with a rather large room made of stone[you can probably remove either the detail about the stone building or the detail about the stone room from this sentence, since they basically say the same thing] with a square window built into the wall my body had been facing. A weirdly dressed man was shaking me, his touch felt so cold and damp. I could tell his hands were wet with something awfully smelly. He was dressed as a sort of medieval peasant type of person[perhaps 'in medieval garb'], sporting a simple long-sleeved shirt and cloth pants. I've[I] made the educated guess of him not being exactly a peasant once my senses became clear enough for me to notice the leather armor he was wearing and his head guard.

Internally confused, I heard words come out of my mouth without me speaking them, "Oh thank the Lord it's you, Girolamo! Someone else's would've surely busted me out for falling asleep on guard!"

Definitely a dream, I thought to myself.

It was one of those dreams in which you are fully aware of it being a dream but cannot do anything about the course of events.

Anyway, I remember from the cold stone floor as I looked around[,] noticing it was dusk time in my dream world.'''[This sentence needs to be restructured. It's in the wrong tense, and the phrase 'remembered from the cold stone floor' is meaningless; the words just don't line up in a way that makes sense.]''' The man who I assumed to be a friend was chuckling as he looked at what must've been a panicked expression on my face.

"You are blessed, Niccolo!" he proclaimed joyfully.

"As are we all, it seems, the Tartars are rather quiet today[.]", I responded as I stared through the window looking down the large wall that stood between some Italian city and what seemed to be like a siege encampment. A sea of tents was stationed below me, each with a few horses around it with [it, ]most accompanied by a dog or two[,] along with a small fire at each tent's base. They weren't fancy in any way,[a little awkward, but it does get the point across] but they were sure as hell efficient. I've[I] also managed to'''[One doesn't 'manage to' detect something. They either detect it or they don't.]''' detect a few Trebuchets standing at various points in the camp. These things sure do look impressive.[tense swap, and awkward from a character perspective]

I am[was] standing between the bloody Mongols and their target, my'''[target. My]''' mind turned hysteric at the sheer sight of what stood some mere meters beneath my feet.

The man that had awakened me up['had awakened me' or 'woke me up'] placed his bow on the window's ledge and spoke, "Seems like we are[consider italicizing 'are', since it is a reiteration and emphasis of something the main character said before] all blessed, my friend. Their number appears to be dwindling! God will deliver us from these devils."

"Oh yeah, is[Consider removing 'Oh yeah'. Doesn't really fit with the medieval italian tone the character would speak with.] that so? The crafty bastards might be feigning retreat to lure us out[.]" I questioned with a tone of skepticism.

The man[it may be good to reinforce his name, since you've made a point of introducing it] turned his head towards me, his tired brown eyes locked with mine. I couldn't detect even the slightest hint of doubt in him when he said, "Rumors are circulating that they've been stricken by a plague."

I stared at him for a moment before turning to watch the sunset, it'''[sunset. It]''' was so beautiful that I had to bask in every moment of it. As I was looking at the setting sun I pondered for a moment before saying[,] without breaking my gaze from the scenery, "Rumors say they are also immortal, and yet countless have probably fallen throughout their conquests. I hope that what you speak of is true however, for we don't know when will the republic[the republic will] send in reinforcements."

The man let out a chuckle, "Soon enough, we won't have to defend anything. The wealthy are leaving through the sea!"

I chuckled at the remark.

"You and I aren't going anywhere any time soon, pal[.]" I joked back.

Seeing as my friend made himself comfortable in his position[,] I've[I] decided it was time to leave the building in which I stood, the watch tower. As I was making my way out of the tower I could hear the man[another good place to reinforce his name] calling out to me, "We aren't wealthy enough to leave! Ha!"

Making my way down the inner stairs of the wall, I've[I] noticed just how delicate the construction of these walls must've been. Every inch of stone beneath my feet had its place in the grand puzzle. I was feeling kind of small compared to the mighty construction through which I was strolling. Coming to appreciate the medieval craftsmen who've built this wonderful megalith, I ran fingers across the stony walls. The touch felt authentic. There was no numbness associated with a dream. In a blink of an eye I was at the entrance of the wall, staring for a moment at the town in front of me.

Everything seemed so gloomy and gray. A feeling of melancholy had washed all[remove 'all'] over me[,] and memories which were not my own overcame my mind in which I[mind; I] could clearly see that same dream city as a lively and vibrant place. Even though the memories weren't my own I've become[own, I became] lost in thought as all of a sudden'''[thought. Suddenly], I heard a muffled whimper, snapping out of in dream pondering[snapping me out of my pondering.] I came to realize I am[I realized I was]''' standing on what looked to be a child's arm. At first, I couldn't feel the squishy sensation of his tiny appendage underneath my boot. Only when his voice came crushing upon my eardrums[odd phrasing, consider changing] I felt realized I was on something. It felt almost disgusting.

Moving my leg away from the kid's arm[,] I put my hand over my face in complete and utter disappointment. Kneeling down made me realize just how bad was[remove 'was'] the condition of this kid had been,[;] he was dying of hunger. I've[I'd] never seen a child this thin. I could pretty much tell the shape of the child's skeleton.'''[Remove the preceding sentence. The next one says the same thing, but better]''' I could see each and every last bone pressed against his dry skin. His eyes, oh god, '''[Remove these. These are things the reader should say to themselves, rather than things the narrator should read to them] his eyes they[remove 'they']''' were bulging out with almost no glimmer of life in them. The yellow tint in his eyes also told me that the kid wasn't just starving,[;] he was also ailing, badly, not to mention the odor of puss coming right out of him[perhaps 'emanating from him'].

While I was inspecting the child with an ever-growing feeling of helplessness, something tugged at my leg. Turning around I found a woman crawling on the floor[Is it a floor, or open ground?], she was'''[Remove 'she was'. It's implied earlier in the sentence.] begging for something, her jumbled[something. Her jumbled words]''' prevented me from understanding what she was trying to ask for. Assuming it was the child's mother, I could feel a rage slowly boil inside me as'''[me. As] I slowly begun deciphering her world salad, she[I found she]''' was not begging for her child. The bitch was just begging for her own salvation.

Dire situations make us selfish,[;] that's just human nature and there is nothing we could do about it. I know this but[remove this 'but'], but I couldn't stop myself from kicking at the filthy woman over and over, until there was nothing left of her face but a pile of crimson dog shit shaped mass[perhaps 'until there was nothing left but a crimson mess resembling the droppings of a dog']. She stopped making noise after just a few kicks, but my body wouldn't stop. It's like I was trapped in a foreign body forced to watch as it beat on another person. I screamed in my own head, Stop! Stop! Stop! She's gone. I shouldn't be doing this![Italicize?]  But my legs wouldn't listen. I felt so pissed at myself for not stopping myself from killing that woman. Something inside just gave me butterflies about caving her greedy face in. Once the woman was no more than a pile of rat food and the rush of adrenaline had subsided, I stormed off to the local inn.

The rage slowly subsided[perhaps 'faded' to change up the language from the previous paragraph] as my made my way towards[toward] the inn[,] and it was mostly gone by the time had reached[I reached] the facility. As the doors of the inn were opened ajar[perhaps 'pushed ajar,'] the beautiful music filled my ears and the sewage odor in the city was replaced by the smell of candles and wine. Making[Taking] my first step inside the inn, I was approached by a young redheaded woman sporting a smile from ear to ear. I felt my stomach bubble with joy at the sight of this woman[,] and I called out her name instinctively "Sophia" while also probably smiling like a fool.'''[Consider 'called out her name instinctively, while also probably smiling like a fool.' and have "Sophia." be its own paragraph.]'''

Sophia was a beautiful girl,[;] she was pretty much my ideal of what a woman should be like. Looking at her blue eyes I noticed that same tiredness that was present in Girolamo's eyes earlier. Sophia rushed behind the inn's counter as I made myself comfortable at its other side and offered me a drink[,] which I gladly accepted, even though I don't really remember ever drinking.

I felt the alcohol make its way down my throat burning anything at[burning away at everything in] its path. As the liquor began smoldering my esophagus, I felt sick to my stomach and the world around me started spinning violently. I felt like I was being shaken uncontrollably[,] all the while the bar music shifted its sound from being a happy pre-classical drunken choir sound towards a more familiar oriental one.

The feeling of vertigo had gotten[got] worse for a few moments[,] until I opened my eyes. I was surrounded by complete darkness, and the space around started slowing down and settling in its place as I could almost clearly hear Altan Urag's music flooding my auditory organs. Turning to the side I felt a knot forming in my stomach, for'''[stomach. For] a single moment[,] I was certain I've[I'd] seen the emaciated child's skeletal face staring at me that is until my sight[me. Once my sight] adjusted to the darkness in my room and I[room, I]''' saw that I was actually looking at a pile of clothes on my chair.

Annoyingly shaken, losing my fucking mind, I said out loud to myself'''[Two questions. What was said? Was it out loud or to himself?]''' before making my way towards the kitchen for a cup of water. After I was done re-hydrating I made my way back to my bedroom and turned the music off before making myself comfortable in bed once more.

I felt the blissful darkness of sleep creep up on me pretty quickly, for'''[quickly. For] a while[,]''' there was nothing but darkness inside my personal kingdom of dreams. The first thing that came to[caught] my attention in my subconscious reality was the smell. An awful smell of something burning hit my nostrils, causing me to try and recoil backwards[,] without any success however[without success].

It was smoke, a whole lot of it.[This sentence could be puched up to be more impactful.]

Slowly, a sense of heaviness overcame me[,] and then I could make out the sound people coughing and moaning in agony all around me. My sight came back to me finally,[finally, and] I found myself laying on the floor of that same inn I was dreaming about earlier[I dreamt of before]. This time around however it had two holes in it; one in the ceiling and one in a wall at the edge of my filled of vision.'''[I would change this sentence to include more detail about the 'holes' in the building; put more effort into describing the massive, smoldering, gaping chasms that had ripped through the wooden wall of the inn, billowing smoke and fire into the room. You may need more than one sentence to fit in everything, but it will improve the story a bit, so it's worth it.]'''

Fire engulfed everything, literally everything'''[Remove the comma and 'literally everything'. These aren't necessary] as the dread began to drown my being[this phrase is very awkward] II[. I] started making my way back up to my feet, only[feet. Only]''' then I noticed the feeling of drowsiness that clouded my mind. I think I inhaled a lot of smoke, considering the foul taste in my mouth and the nauseating, spinning sensation that bombarded my head. Hating the fact that my breaths were labored'''['Hating' is an odd word to use here. In fact, people don't generally feel emotions about labored breathing, besides maybe concern or possibly fear.][,]''' I forced myself back up in hopes of avoiding further inhalation of smoke. Once back up[,] I saw a couple of large boulders had landed inside the inn, destroying everything in their path.

Looking around[,] hoping to make sense of everything around[remove this 'around', add a comma] I came across the terrors the flying boulders have brought with their arrival. Broken wood, fire, smoke, and torn bodies decorated the now broken-down inn. A bunch'''['bunch' seems disrespectful for this character to use. I suggest changing this word] of dismembered people on the floor, some[floor. Some]''' were still alive.

The sight of some elderly man lying next to his mostly severed lower half in what seemed like full consciousness as he was clutching at bits of his guts.'''[This sentence doesn't have a verb. Perhaps change the start to 'I found an elderly man'.]  Only a tiny string of his bowels held his body together and that picture made me want to throw my very own soul up[odd phrase], I[. I] felt the contents of my stomach rise up[,] but I've[remove this 'I've'] blocked the barrage of bile coming out through my mouth[,]''' knowing it would've hindered me even further. A whirlwind of emotions consisting mostly of disgust, fear, anxiety coursed through my mind. I felt my blind[I think this is supposed to be 'blood'] being violently pumped through my veins as the'''[veins. The] Adrenaline[I don't think 'Adrenaline' needs to be capitalized.] rush made me feel like someone poured cold water on my head.[This would be a good place to start a new paragraph. The contents of the following sentences work as their own sequence of events, and the paragraph is long as is.]  Grief and pain dulled my frenzy when I came to[remove 'came to']''' notice Sophia impaled through her torso by a large log. I rushed to her[,] and she forced a pained smile,[remove this comma] as I grabbed at her face[,] falsely reassuring her that everything will be alright. I wanted to save her,[;] I did not want her to die on me. Though deep down inside[Deep down inside, though,] I knew that nothing could be done to save her as her mostly'''[Remove 'mostly'. It can be inferred, so it's not necessary.] white and green gown was covered in her crimson liquid[honestly, just using 'blood' here might be better, as it reinforces the description that follows] that was staining the wooden floor beneath us both, forming an ever-expanding[,] warm[,]''' sticky pool around us. She reached out and touch[touched] my face while trying to mutter something, but I couldn't hear her voice. I couldn't hear anything at that moment, not even the laughter of the angel of death standing just behind the woman's[using her name here might be better] prone body.

I could feel the tears stream down my cheeks. In a moment's notice I've[perhaps 'Without hesitation, I'] made the decision. I will[would, or perhaps 'had to'] put her out of her misery,[;] she deserved to die quickly. Tightening my grip on her head, I jerked her neck sideways hard[,] causing her broken vertebrae to release a popping sound[perhaps 'violent crack'][,] signaling her passing. Her arm fell flat against her torso[,] and the one blue[her once blue] eyes turned almost grey.

Killing her made me go emotionally blank.

I knew I had to push through the heartbreak and made my way out of the inn towards the town's walls. When I saw the panicked townsfolk being pushed aside by the garrison men[,] I started hearing the overwhelming noise that came from beyond the city. The Mongols were rallying themselves, possibly trying to freak out[odd phrasing, consider 'intimidate'] the town's people into submission. Whistling, shouting[,] and the beating of hooves on moist soil echoed from beyond the walls, triggering a burning sensation inside me, one of pure hatred. Fear came quickly[,] however[,] as nothing can be compared to the iconic'''[perhaps remove 'iconic'. The word doesn't work for the time period this character is supposed to represent, and it's not really necessary to the description.]''' sound of a Trebuchet launching a flaming rock.

Thump'''[This is a bit underwhelming. It needs to be puched up. This is the sound of a massive flaming boulder crashing into the earth and crushing human bodies beneath it.]'''

I was almost at the walls when I heard that cursed sound. The crackling of fire in the sky drowned by an ever increase cries of men around me made me look up. I saw a human shaped object flying side by side with the flaming boulders into the city.

After that I blacked out.

Without noticing[,] I found myself atop the walls nearing a watch tower as another Mongolian death projectile came flying my way. It all turned into a blur once again,[;] everything went simply black[,] and I couldn't hear anything for a split-second. A loud[,] banging sound jolted me back into my senses. I felt the fear eating away at me as I couldn't even feel my body anymore, but after a quick inspection I realized I wasn't hurt. Can't[I couldn't] say this was the case for my friend,[;] Girolamo hadn't been so lucky. It seemed like part of the projectile hit him square in the head[,] destroying his cranium.

He probably died on the spot as pieces of his shattered skull and bits of his brain matter lay splattered all over the floor next to his lifeless body. I did not even feel disgusted this time, as the fear and anger at the Mongols consumed my whole being. Something had snapped inside and when I saw lying next to Girolamo the prone body of an Asian man, I kicked right through one of his eye sockets, sanding his body backwards, I'''[backwards. I][I would restructure the preceding sentences. 'Something had snapped inside. Beside Girolamo's body, I found the corpse of an asian man. Enraged, I kicked the head of this monster's body, splattering one of his eyes and sending the corpse backward againds the wall. I']''' cursed at the Mongol for the death of Girolamo. Only then I realized why he was sent into city strapped to a rock, his'''[rock. His] body was frail[,] like that of a dying tuberculotic, covered in black blisters and boils that scarred all of his body[perhaps 'the entirety of his skin']'''. This Mongol, he was[Mongol was] but a tool of psychological warfare at the hands of the Tartar war machine. These monsters were throwing their decaying deceased as a means to beat us into submission. These were truly the angels of the fallen himself!

Wishing to do something[,] I loaded my bow, I was feeling the full force of a few dozens of pounds in this draw'''['bow. I felt the full force of the (x) pound draw.' Insert a number for x. 'a few dozens of pounds' comes across as awkward.] The arrow flew through the sky, gracefully making its way through the sky[Remove this 'through the sky']''' to hit its mark.

I hit[My arrow struck] one of the Mongols. He simply shuddered upon impact[,] but it did not force him to lose his grip and fall from his horse[perhaps add 'as expected' to the end of this sentence]. The sight sent shock waves through my body, how'''[body. How] could he still be alive, I[alive. I][Italics for the thought?] pondered in awe as I've[I]''' decided to fire another arrow into the same Mongol. The second arrow hit it's mark once more but it did not topple the man. Perhaps the Mongols were truly immortal[,] or supported by some otherworldly force in their day'''[Remove 'in their day'. The narrator is experiencing this now, not in their day. This is a modern problem for him. It's affecting him now.]'''. I could clearly see that the Mongol soldier was enjoying himself at the look of disbelief he must've caught etched on my face.

He was laughing, he'''[laughing. He] was visibly laughing.[perhaps put these sentences at the end of the previous paragraph]'''

Preparing to fire a third arrow, I felt something heavy colliding[collide] with my body. I felt a searing pain course through my torso before the feeling[sensation of my] neck and back hitting the floor struck me.

So much pain coursed through me, I'''[me. I]''' still can't believe I didn't die of the sheer amount of pain alone.

Everything went black for a nanosecond[,] and then it all came back, but dull. My sight gradually lost clarity and my hearing became hampered by a terrible buzzing noise. I felt myself breathing hastily in my dream as each breath came with a feeling of agonizingly burning sensation[each breath evoked an agonizing, burning sensation] in my throat. Looking down[,] I saw a hole gushing with blood and bits bone poking through my chest.

I felt my way around the wound[,] and it stung like hell, as if I had red-hot iron cutting straight through my flesh. I turned my gaze towards the rest of my body and that's when I noticed my left leg had been stuck[pinned?] under a rock, tugging'''[rock. Tugging] at it in a futile attempt to free my appendage[,] the sound of fabric being torn up was drowned by the crackling sound my lower leg let out[,] followed by a terrible pulsating pain running from my knee upwards[running upward from my knee. The pain was]''' so bad that it woke me up from my terrible dream.

When I finally['finally' is unnecessary here] woke up, it was this morning and, I was covered in cold sweat with an awful pain radiating from an old scar on my chest, one which I sustained during a horse riding accident. I tried getting up from my bed but I couldn't move my left leg, I couldn't feel anything in that leg below the knee in fact. Obviously, I started panicking but after a few terrifying minutes of poor attempts at shaking the feeling back into that leg I managed to get out of bed. The loss of feeling in my leg made me forget about my aching chest.

Right now, I am waiting for a medical evaluation at a local ER, I've gotten some sensation back into that leg, but it's still largely numb and barely functioning. Whatever this nightmare was, it wasn't just some night terror, there'''[terror. There] was something powerful involved, perhaps[involved. Perhaps]''' the Tartars were originally beyond human. After all, they've'''['they', unless the empire is still around. I don't know for sure either way.] constructed the second largest continuous empire on horseback[,] and Genghis Khan is famously known for claiming to be a scourge of God, maybe[God. Maybe]''' he was.

Maybe the Great Khan and his Tartars are the scourge of god, a god we did not come to know yet.'''[god. A god we have not yet come to know.]''' Thank you, I did take the vast majority of them to heart. We'll see what others think and then we shall proceed from there on elsewhere.