Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33756381-20181118212057/@comment-35711173-20181118214955

This is one of the better video game inspired stories because it isn't about a video game. It's about people.

Unfortunately, you have a number of very basic errors.

First, your individual day entries are all one paragraph. Please read this:

User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

People don't read walls of text like your 16 April and 29 April entries. I don't think we can keep that much in mind at once, so we just give up.

Second, you need to check for wrong words.

"The monstrosity is to big to fit into the door but in a fit of rage he is hammering at the paper then walls around the door to create a big enough whole he can get it."

You need the word "too" which is related "bigger than" rather than "to," which has three completely unrelated meanings.

"Thin" refers to not being thick. "Then" refers to a point in time.

You also have several spelling errors, like "Hese" in the next sentence.

I strongly suggest using some free on line analysis sites. http://www.grammarly.com would find maybe half of the wrong word errors.

https://prowritingaid.com would also find some of those errors, but the free mode only works on 500 words at a time. That's about a page in Word.

You should check out https://www.scribens.com/ as well, especially their check for run on sentences. You have about a dozen very long ones.

Once you have that much cleaned up, come back. We will be much more able to help you.