Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28718262-20160806123657/@comment-28266772-20160806193955

It was just a game. Just a silly prank.

'[Formatting – when you paste into the wikia be careful and double check it hasn’t inserted extra lines like it has throughout the following story. I’ve edited them out for now for ease of my own writing but bear it in mind in the future.]'

That's what Ellery May said in the red and blue flashing lights and loud whines of sirens. Wimpering [whimpering] in pain and fear. A month later and she comes to write a record of the game. [tense change]

May:[put a space here] 07/2015. London. '[People don’t really write the location down when writing a diary like this. It feels conceited and doesn’t fit the format.]'

The doctor told me it'd be a good idea to get it off my chest. Write it down. At first I trembled at the thought of having to relive it but I might as well now, I realise i don't realy [really] have any [anything] worth loosing [losing]. I've not been a susperstitous [superstitious] person but I have for a long time believed in the super natural [this feels awkward]. So on an april [April] evening with the pattering of rain against our umbrellas and we walk down the darkening street- [em dash or double dash needed] Myself [myself], Jake Mathews, Isabella Green, Ethan Tomlingson and Jade wittington [wittington – also put yourself last e.g. Jade Wittington and I,] being some of the few still on the damp streets. It came to me as a surprise when Jake suggested we paused our walk to Ethan's house and went to the park. '[right so at this stage you’re in past tense. You should write in a consistent tense] Jade shook her head shivering [awkward wording]'. Izzy (Isabella) nodded enthusiastically. [new speaker new line] “It's a full moon maybe we'll see a ghost”

Ethan seemed to debate it for a moment then agreed. I was cold and like Jade didn't like [repetition/awkward wording] the idea of trampling through mud in the dark but i [I] wasn't a chicken, so i [I] agreed. Jade gave in and joined us. So we detored [detoured] from the plain dimly lit street of london [London] with it's [its] hum of the rare car crossing by to the pitch black fields of the park. [that description doesn’t feel right – are the fields really pitch black?]

“What do you guys want to play?” [said?]

“Who can get home the dryiest! [driest]” groaned Jade.

The rain pounded heavily around us, making the grass sludgy. Jake Grabbed my left hand. [new speaker new line] “This way. Come on guys don't fall!”

We trapsed [traipsed] across the sludgey [sludgy] grass to the playground. Then through the grounds to the swings. [awkward wording – try to avoid starting sentences with ‘then’]

“I'm not sitting on those!” Snorted [snorted] Jade.

“You don't have to. You just have to push them.”

“What?” [again – in a group you need to make it clear who’s speaking]

Jake smiled [new speaker new line] “Oh come on you guys heard of the Swing Game?”

“No.. […]”Me and Jade [Jade and I] said in unison.

Izzy smacked Jake over the head. [new speaker new line] “we're [We’re] not playing that!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“What is it? “ Asked [asked] Ethan.

<p class="MsoNormal">Jake rubbed his head and grabbed a swing. [new speaker new line] “It's where you push the swing back and forth...”

<p class="MsoNormal">He mimicked the action. “And you chant the lyrics of the rhyme.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“You're suppose [supposed] to feel a wieght [weight] on the swing, that of a child” Izzy interupted. “if [If] you keep pushing you will begin to hear it laughing and start seeing it.” [<- no need for that closing quotation mark.]

<p class="MsoNormal">“Continue and the child will begin crying.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Then it will let go of one side of the swing and grab you.[space]Lifting you up off the floor, the swing will swing faster [repetition] and you're feet will loose [lose] any signs of ground below. [awkward wording]”

<p class="MsoNormal">“-Wait! [put an em dash in the line that’s been interrupted i.e. the one above not this one here]So what if you stop?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Jake pouted interupted [interrupted; awkward wording] from finishing his 'spooky tale.'[full stop after quotation marks; new speaker new line] “The spirit will leave. Those some have said if you can [can] hear it's [its] laugihng [laughing] and you stop you will see the child let go of the swing at the highest point. Then hear a powerful crack and see there [their] body in perfect human form sprawled on the gorund [ground] in front for a split second!”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Nice story. [<-replace with comma] Jack.” Jade said.

<p class="MsoNormal">"What don't beleive [believe] me? Try it!” [said?]

<p class="MsoNormal">Jade snorted “Fine what's the rhyme?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“swinging, [Swinging] back and forth we go,

<p class="MsoNormal">Come and play with me,

<p class="MsoNormal">let's play a game,

<p class="MsoNormal">swinging, back and forth we go,

<p class="MsoNormal">play our game,

<p class="MsoNormal">come and play. [<- inconsistent capitalization] ”

<p class="MsoNormal">“So fake [comma]“ hissed Ethan.

<p class="MsoNormal">Jade passed her umbrella to Izzy who held it above her. As she grabbed a swing and and [repetititon] pushed it. Letting it glide forward as she repeated the rhyme. The woosh of the swing was the only noise besides the pittering of raindrops.”

<p class="MsoNormal">After 10 miniutes [minutes] of it Jade stop pushing. “Told you..[… ]it's fake.”

<p class="MsoNormal">She took her umbrella back.

<p class="MsoNormal">Ethan yawned. [new speaker new line]“Can we go now?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Jake sighed. [new speaker new line & capital letter ->]“okay.”

<p class="MsoNormal">We hurried out of the park with the rain splashing down now. [changed tense] It was a further walk to Ethans [Ethan’s] house. As we walked along the street a strange feeling washed over me. Something i [I] couldn't explain. It squeezed my insides and i [I] couldn't bare [bear] it. I looked behind me to the park. A dark sillouette [silhouette was] in the distance. My pace sped up. I noticed the others had sped up too. When we scampered thorugh the gate of Ethan's garden and [as] he unlocked his door we hustled in, relaxing as we hung up our coats and put our umbrellas down. He shut the door.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">1) Mechanical issues – these are the biggest problem. You need to use spellcheck on either MS word or spellcheck.net. Aside from the numerous spelling, formatting and capitalization issues another major problem is that you frequently switch tense.

<p class="MsoNormal">2) Style – The wording is occasionally sloppy—there are some occasions of dodgy descriptions and a lot of problems with sentence structure—but other than that a lot of your imagery is functional and does the job. I think with a bit of work it could be good.

<p class="MsoNormal">3) Plot – So obviously it’s hard for me to talk about the plot considering that it’s unfinished but with regards to what’s here I feel like there are a couple of problems. First, the reasoning behind visiting the park seems weak, and artificial. Second, the rhyme and core idea isn’t very original or scary. And third, the characters aren’t particularly well established, unique, or likeable. A lot of the are interchangeable. You might wanna trim the numbers down, or find a way to distinguish the characters. There are a couple of techniques you can use to get around this problem, but whatever you choose you should avoid pushing the audience into spending time with characters that aren’t interesting, vital to the plot, or well developed. This is especially true in horror where the audience is usually expecting characters who aren’t well developed to get the axe.

<p class="MsoNormal">So I recommend you get a bit more creative with your descriptions. Then I recommend you read the wikia’s style guides and advice blogs for a full guide on how to format speech and punctuation and sentence structure. Other than that I think this story has potential and that you should definitely post the end product.

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