Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36397055-20180731043846/@comment-26444017-20180731055956

I think the problems are twofold. First, and easiest to correct, is some use of language that takes the reader out of the experience. These are few and far between, but when they happen they are noticable and create a speed bump in the narrative. This can be fixed with a simple edit.

The more pressing issue is one that comes up a lot in video game creepypastas. Why doesn't the narrator stop playing, or in this case listening, when the wierd stuff happens? Instead of acting rationally, they just keep going and going even though they can stop at any time. The main of your story does this as well, and I think the easiest sollution is very simple. Toward the end of the story, do one of two things:

1. Have the narrator stop listening and warn people that this song is bad news. It causes actual problems with the body and brain, and he's understandably convinced that people commited suicide because of it.

2. Have the narrator be compelled to finish the song by a force outside his/her control. However, and this is very important, make sure that the narrator does NOT post his thoughts just before death. Realistically, if you got to the point where you were about to kill yourself because of this supernatural song, you would not be in the frame of mind to post the story. Instead, have the narrator realize that something is wrong and post what he has before it's too late. The song is forcing him/her to listen, and it won't be long before he/she will be dead, so he/she is putting the information out there.

If you go route number two, I would have the main listen to the song continuously. Pausing the song would break it up, and the effects would likely be diminished unless it acts as a trigger point; 'Get to this point and you die, but before this you live and are fine' is less scary than 'I started listening but now I can't stop, and whatever is keeping me listening is twisting my mind'.

So, yeah. A quick edit to smooth out the language, and a modification to the ending to give it more impact. That'll hopefully ease your prominent worries with the story. :)