Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34596229-20180502134951/@comment-34596229-20180502205019

BloodySpghetti wrote: Get! Rid! of! That! Picture!

Seriously, get rid of it at the ending of the passage, because it kind of spoils then "something is gonna stop the kid from leaving".

There aren't many bad parts to this, mainly the fact that cemeteries on their own don't seem to be that scary, even at night, unless you believe in the paranormal. Perhaps work on including a line or two about some in-story local story (as in someone died in the cemetery or got killed there or something) or a local urban myth that rose due to odd occurences around said cemetery. If you choose the later, you could say people had gone missing and their stuff was found around the cemetery or something like that. Shouldn't indicate anything supernatural. I say this because it's silly to be afraid of a park full of memorial stones. So, maybe give some more "rational" reasoning to Jason's fear of cemeteries.

Also, being a somewhat frequent visitor of the dead, I can vouch for the cleanliness of these places. Though people might go out of their way for a "unique" looking tombstone. Seen some with various geometrical shapes, one that looks like a dual bed and a few which are just "boulders" with something written on them. This could play into a nice scare factor as Jason's brain goes slightly overboard disecting the appearence of the location. The mould as to go!

"As he was turning to look behind him he saw what was staring at him from the parked car. It was the devil himself. He was featureless with hollow eyes, white as a sheet. His mouth was open in a scream, and he was grinning at Jason. All life ran out of him."

I have to kind of paraphrase this. Do not hate me please.

"As he was turning to look behind him he saw what was staring at him from the parked car. It looked like the devil himself. He was featureless with hollow eyes, skin(face) white as a sheet. His mouth was open in a scream, all the while he was also grinning at Jason.

All life ran out of Jason's body."

Ding, ding, ding!

Other than what I've mentioned, you've a nice style to your writing, a little misdirection is great, especially with so many predictable pieces floating around. Good job. It's light hearted, yet also in a sense kind of scary. It also made me feel kind of dumb for falling for it, but that's good. So yeeee.... Wow, these are some really nice suggestions. I can't disagree with any of these points. Many thanks for taking the time to review my story. I will definitely incorporate your feedback and tweak the story.