Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4748767-20140531025752/@comment-9967354-20140531034318

This needs work. A lot of work. For one, let's look at the structure of the story. Every 'part' is at most a parah long. You don't really need to split this story up into bits. If it were longer, it would make more sense to do so.

Let's discuss your character. Paranoid. Has no life outside of the story. I'm guessing this is his blog now, since he is obviously trying to address an audience. Why didn't he call the police? Tell someone? Why would he rather keep to himself and put it up on a blog nobody is going to read?! This, sadly, makes him seem simply daft. And maybe even introverted to an unhealthy extent.

You change the tense randomly in the video. Not only did it seem abrupt but it also came across as bad writing. Another thing you can do is get rid of the ellipses. Think about it, if you're writing a blog about something that actually happened to you, you'd keep the usage of these: '...' To a minimum. Because they do not add to the plot in any way, do not work to enhance expression, and make the story slow and painful to read.

Also, please get rid of the bits where he is being a paranoid idiot. You wouldn't do that on a blog. Get to the point, but waver where you think we can have a better understanding of the character.