Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25944811-20150105185845/@comment-24281984-20150106163933

Okay, first off, you start off with a typical "Hello, my name is..." opening. I know starting a story can be difficult, but this isn't a good way to do it because not only is it unecessary to the story you're trying to tell (unless it opens with a letter or something) it also sets up the wrong sort of tone for a horror story. Your character shouldn't sound like they are delivering one continous monologue to the reader- they should sound like they are recounting a story of something frightening that happened to them.

"My Dorm Mates" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Your second line shouldn't be in that formatting. Not sure how that happens in the editor, but clicking Preview before hitting Publish can ensure that you've corrected all yoru formatting errors before submitting the story.

The character's thoughts should be italicized, but it's even more effective to show us how the MC is getting really tired rather than just telling it. Maybe he's getting snappy at everyone who passes by because he didn't sleep enough last night, maybe he nearly falls on his face when he steps inside his house, maybe he collapses on the couch with his shoes still on.

"Look Behind You" is another extremely overused cliche. Not saying you should avoid it at all costs, just if you're going to use it, try doing something new with it. Something you've never seen before. Using the same typical ending you see in a lot of creepypastas isn't scary, it's boring.

I doubt a serial killer would try to warn his (or her) victims in any way before killing them. Also, why did they need to collect blood? You end the story right there without any explanation. That's not the most creative of a concept but you could do something with it instead of just ending the story right there.

So as is, this story wouldn't be accepted. It's really short and what you do have is both cliched and not written very well either. I would suggest reading the many Writing Advice blogs and How To Write Creepypasta pages on this wiki, as well as Creepy Cliches, before making another one. Hopefully my review was helpful!