Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25024572-20150329223250/@comment-25024572-20150403131242

AGrimAuxiliatrix1 wrote: Well, this is a rather interesting story.

I haven't seen a second-person story very much except in ritual pastas, which don't really use the concept too well (at times).

The fact that it ends on a gunshot is a lot more vague as to the ending and a much more effective way of ending the story, so that is a change that I definitely approve of. Also, I really like the depth of thinking that is provided in this short pasta, and the thoughts of the main character are rather logical.

There is one section that I believe to be a bit awkward:

"You look at the gun, and remember what you had to do, who you had to kill-

(No, not who. What. Those…things…weren’t your friends, weren’t your family, wasn’t the one you loved. They might have had their faces, but they didn’t have their souls.)

- to survive for this long."

Maybe it is just me, but I just don't think it should interrupt this sentence and be in parentheses. It would probably be perfectly fine to simply make a sentence and follow it up with this little section that drives him to eventual part where the character contemplates what to do.

I don't actually have that much more to say. The writing is pretty good, the use of second-person works, and, while not really creepy, I always prefer quality above anything else. If I had to post a rating, it would probably be around a 8.5 or 9. Nice job.

Well, thank you for your praise, and looking it over. As for the part with the parentheses, I originally kind of disagreed with you about it. I personally had felt that it did kind of work. Thinking it over a bit, I realized that first, if I was doing something like that, I should do that for all those kinds of doubts throughout the story, not just once, and second, it would work better if it went like this:

You hear them, on the other side of the door, moaning and scraping. You look at the gun, and remember what you had to do, who you had to kill  to survive for this long. (No, not who. What. Those…things…weren’t your friends, weren’t your family, wasn’t the one you loved. They might have had their faces, but they didn’t have their souls. Right?) Was it worth it, you wonder.

This way, I think it actually helps sew some more doubt. So you were right in your minor critique.

Anyway, thanks for taking a look, the advice, and praise. I plan to edit it and post it as an actual honest-to-goodness Creepypasta. Maybe call it "The Decision" or "Decide" if those names aren't taken.