Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28040424-20160323171231/@comment-26475800-20160324031426

I don't want to sound disrespectful, but is English your first language? The reason I ask is because the tense swaps and word chose made it sound like you are from a non-English speaking place. If so, than this isn't that bad.

As mentioned, there were some tense swaps or maybe weird usage of words, like "waked." When someone wakes and it is to be in past tense it would be woke. There were some other words like that, but this is hard for me to read so I am not going to look for them again, sorry.

You should break up your paragraphs. Everything is all clumped together, so that makes it harder to read too. If you break up you ideas, it will make it easier to read and give the story a pace. Also, you should try and combine some of your sentences together, this will also help with the pace and help to build tension. Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about:

"I knocked on the door, but it seems that there wasn't anyone inside. I let myself in. Sat on the floor and noticed a shadow through the fusuma. It was a shadow of a lady."

It may read better like this. "I knocked on the door, but it seemed there wasn't anyone inside, so I let myself in. I sat on the floor, and notice a shadow through the fusuma, it was the the shadow of a lady."

Now your story telling itself is very vague, much too vague get a idea of what is even happening. You wake up in the woods, past a house that doesn't even matter then found another one, with a woman inside who gives you money. The woman is either a monster or really ugly, and you get teleported to a new mysterious place. All the while the voice in you head is telling you what to do and what not to do. That is a lot of stuff for a story that is so short.

Also, your characters don't have anything to them. No one will care what happens to any of them, because we don't know a thing about them.

Overall, this story will need a ton of work if you want to keep it. It left me confused as to what happened and what was supposed come through to me. So yea, that is the advice I can give you right now.