Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30157838-20161007215711/@comment-28266772-20161011143235

Whistling Winds summer camp had laid just on the outskirts of town for as long as anybody could remember. Grandparents fondly remembered the stories their grandparents told them [This is a bit awkward; might be better if you find a way to avoid repetition of ‘grandparents’] about the place, the ghost stories around the campfire, the hiking along the forest trails, and of course, the rope swing into the water at Lake Nigeros. Everyone who had been there seemed to agree that it was completely unsafe for children and adults alike, but they all vouched for its entertainment value. The thrilling rush of wind through your ears after dropping off that moldy rope, the long forty-foot drop, and (for many, [not sure about that comma]) the feeling of urine running down your legs made it an unforgettable experience.

The camp had unfortunately closed several years back, but it lived on through Hallowbrook's [Hallowroot’s] people, a fond memory of simpler times. Cooper's grandfather had told him about the camp many times, and [an article would help clarify who keeps going back to that rope swing] always kept going back to that rope swing, the senile old fart always getting that glassy look in his eyes and that goofy grin on his face whenever he mentioned it.

"I got my first kiss near that swing, you know."

He would always say.

"Was about the same age you are now, I think. When we found that old bit of rope hanging from a branch, all the kids were scared to go on it, whining 'bout how they'd die if they fell that far. I called 'em all babies and stepped up onto that little wooden board all by m'self...almost fell 'n broke mah neck when that sweet lil' thing Betty Sue spun me around and planted one right on the smacker, said I was bein' so brave."

It was at this point grandma would usually give him a dirty look.

"The jump down after that was somethin' wonderful, son. I ain't never been so excited in mah life."

Cooper had never thought much of the story before, but after grandpa passed away, it had stuck at the forefront of his mind. Every time he thought of his pappy, he would think of that story about the rope swing, the one he had heard a hundred times over, and part of him would always long to experience it for himself. But now, staring out at the decrepit rope and that moldy plank of wood, he was beginning to have second thoughts.

"Are you coming down, you big baby? The water's fine!"

The moon shone bright enough to see Robbie calling out to him from down in the lake, his long, auburn hair so wet that he had to keep brushing it out of his eyes. Cooper took a deep breath, extending a foot towards the plank before pulling away, hesitant.

"It's a long drop, Rob!"

Cooper had even been the one to suggest this little outing, he was disgusted that this was such a difficult thing to muster up courage for. He had snuck out of the house for this, he couldn't back out now!

"Look, I made it down here fine! Just close your eyes if you're scared!"

"I ain't scared!"

Cooper sighed, running a hand through curly brown locks and licking his lips nervously, free hand on his hip. It seemed like the perfect night to do it, too. The stars were out, the moon was full, the temperature mild...a swim certainly did seem like a good idea, and grandpa had always talked about how fun this was...hell, this was the reason he was out here in the first place, wasn't it?

"Alright, I'm comin'!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Atta boy, Coop!"

<p class="MsoNormal">The lanky pre-teen took his first tentative step onto the creaky wooden board, the thing so moldy that it almost snapped just from having one foot placed on it. Still, it seemed to hold well enough, prompting the second foot to follow, Cooper breaking out into a gentle jog before leaping to snatch at the rope hanging off the branch above him. With a whoop of delight, he grabbed tight, the braided nylon managing to miraculously hold his weight as he sailed through the air, legs kicking frantically.

<p class="MsoNormal">Letting go was the hard part, but he managed it, eyes shut as he started to drop towards the water below. It was just as grandpa said it was. The wind was exhilarating, the piss in his trunks warming them despite the chill in the air, the feeling of falling overwhelming him as he hollered in childlike glee. It was dangerous, sure, but it was a feeling that couldn't be matched anywhere else. The tallest rollercoaster in the world was nothing compared to the feeling of free-falling like this, Cooper was sure.

<p class="MsoNormal">The water hit fast and hard, murky liquid surging into his ears and nose, eyes shut tight and cheeks puffed as he felt the lake envelop him. It all seemed...warmer than he thought it would be. Cooper's eyes flickered open slowly as he prepared for the journey back to the water's surface, his feet already kicking before he truly noticed where he was. Well...he wasn't sure exactly WHERE [I think you should italics and not all caps to emphasise ‘where’] he was, but this was certainly not the lake. Ridged, pulsating pink walls ebbed all around him, sucking in and out as if they were breathing, what had once been the surface of the water above him now replaced with a veined pink dome, a tiny pocket of air smaller than the young boy's head seeming [I think this reads better if it says ‘seemed’ but I’m not sure, and it’s really not a big deal] to be the only place of respite.

<p class="MsoNormal">Cooper gurgled, suppressing a scream, his breath held tight. The walls pulled in close enough to gently squeeze him, then pushed back enough where his fingertips could barely brush against them, the living corridor creating a sense of claustrophobia that the middle schooler had never quite felt before. He had little time to dwell on that, though, kicking his feet frantically towards the sweet, sweet oxygen above him as he flailed his way to the top of his unusual prison, only just managing to break the surface before suffocating completely [this sentence is a bit long and could easily be split into two]. The boy's lips almost managed to press against the flesh above him, so tight was his space, but he treasured the precious seconds of survival like nothing else.

<p class="MsoNormal">Such a spot of hope was soon lost, though, as Cooper realized with a sudden panic that he was trapped...somewhere. The meat-tube he was stuck in only went down, and who even knew if it had a bottom? Even the air he was currently chugging into his lungs would not last forever, he could already feel it getting thinner with every inhale that he made...he had no choice but to go down. Brain still in full-on panic mode, he gasped for one last mouthful of air and took the plunge, small hands using the walls around him to begin shimmying his way down.

<p class="MsoNormal">Every few seconds, his descent became even more difficult, the corridor's 'exhales' making it nearly impossible to manually drag himself down, forcing Cooper into a thrashing struggle to continue down the fleshy pipe before he could get his grip again. His vision blurred at around twenty feet down, feeling himself unable to hold his breath for much longer. It passed through his mind that perhaps he should go take another gulp or two of air before trying again, but he knew there was no point. If he was to escape, he would have to take his chance now.

<p class="MsoNormal">The deeper he went, the more strange [stranger] things seemed to become. The walls didn't have eyes before, did they? They were dead, glassy stares, like those of fish, watching him struggle, uncaring and unblinking as the child passed them by. Everything here seemed so...passive. It was as if Cooper was not prey nor intruder, just a visitor to the strange breathing intestine that resided in the lake, as strange as that all sounded. Sharp teeth began to sprout amidst what was now dozens of eyes all watching him pass, but even they laid mostly dormant, only managing to exert weak wriggling as the child's hands gripped them in order to hasten his escape.

<p class="MsoNormal">What had once been just gentle ridges in this disgusting tunnel was now a horde of various body parts lining the walls, Cooper grabbing on to anything and everything that might bring him to the bottom. Arms, noses, legs, not human ones, but something similar, the middle schooler hardly even registering what he was grabbing onto, bubbles escaping his lips as he clamored down, down, down. '[So this sentence has a similar problem to the one I mentioned before. I think it’d be clearer if you split it and changed the tense like so -> “Arms, noses, legs, not human ones but something similar. The middle schooler hardly even registered what he was grabbing onto, bubbles escaping his lips as he clamored down, down, down.]'Eyes grew on these limbs, then eyes grew on top of eyes, deeper and deeper, color flushing from Cooper's face as his mouth opened, a surge of water dumping into his lungs as he sank deeper into the grotesque abyss, until finally...

<p class="MsoNormal">His head broke the surface, and he took in as big a breath as he could before beginning to violently cough, choking on the water within him and beginning [repetition of ‘beginning’] to vomit, the lake around him warming as he pissed his trunks again. Robbie stared expectantly, beaming a bright smile in the light of the moon.

<p class="MsoNormal">"See, it wasn't so bad, was it? Do you want to go again?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Cooper finished hurling up his stomach, clawing his way onto the nearby rocks before turning his pale, grinning face towards his friend.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Definitely!"

<p class="MsoNormal">His grandfather hadn't been lying.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So I think I’d probably go crawl into a fucking foetal position and weep for a few days after that but each to their own I s’pose. I’ve mentioned before that your writing style is top-notch and it’s hard to make any meaty criticisms. The ones I’ve included above are pretty minor and many of them are me being at my most pedantic. Still I’ll pool my thoughts down below.

<p class="MsoNormal">Characters – I like how you build characters with simple mannerisms. People try and fail at this all the time but you pull it off with chubby cheeks and wet brown hair. It feels awkward and gawky; exactly like being a preteen. It also drives home an image of innocence while crafting a Stephen King-esque/Spielberg style scene. It kind of feels like you gently rib the audience and whisper words like “It/ The Goonies/ Spielberg/ ET / etc.” which does a lot of ground work.

<p class="MsoNormal">Mood/atmosphere – In your story you manage to pull off an air of ‘innocent fun’ which is cleverly subverted in a few ways. I particularly liked the grandmother’s “dirty look” which, in a weird way, kind of lets us know that the fun won’t be so ‘innocent’. It’s effective, and it’s clever. It’s a way of building mood without relying on language (as opposed to say, Lovecraft, who often builds mood with 18,000 adjectives) and that’s a tricky thing to do. I’m not saying you don’t build mood through language; it’s just you build a non-intrusive mood which sits back and lets the plot’s events shine. Because of that it feels hard for me to put my finger on exactly what that mood ‘is’ without directly pointing to events.

<p class="MsoNormal">Setting – Needless to say you get a lot of this right. There’s the first half which focuses on whooshing winds, tightly wound ropes, and creaking wooden platforms which nail the feeling of a dodgy swing rope hanging over a daunting edge. You also create a weird environment in that stomach monster thing. You make it feel benign and threatening all at once. Because of this it is distinctly alien, and I like that. There are lot of little flourishes to like here. In particular I liked the sharp wiggling teeth. They’re teeth, which are obviously threatening, but you go out of your way to demonstrate that they’re harmless (and even kind of helpful) which just creates a strange sensation of conflict. Teeth filled flesh tubes aren’t usually portrayed as so… passive.

<p class="MsoNormal">Plot – Simple and fun. I like that you keep things light. The kid could have easily spent his time being dissolved in stomach acid but by making the experience passive, and by having Cooper want to re-engage with the “ride”, you make it seem particularly unsettling. I like it. Also, that last part where Cooper wants to go back despite the fear he just experienced, it’s so open that it brings the reader’s attention to the next part which is…

<p class="MsoNormal">Themes – Sex. It’s always sex. Seriously though I like how you divert the reader’s attention with that weird ending in a way that I wound up saying “Why would a teenage boy feel so desperate to return to a giant wet fleshy tunnel that inspires horrifying levels of anxiety combined with titillating levels of exci— Oh. Wait. Vagina. Can't believe I didn't see that.” I can only assume it’s intentional but either way it’s simple enough to not draw attention away from the story but is present enough that should anyone take the time to think about it they’ll find more to dwell on than just the surface events.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">So I hope this makes up for the lateness of my review. Typically I will not review a story using the plot/characters/themes/setting/mood approach unless I think they’re well above the fold. If you’re interested I wrote something on a story by Jay ten (an admin you’ll see floating around here quite regularly) which uses this format of analysis but is way more in-depth. I’m interested in doing the same for one of your stories (way down) the line if that’s cool with you. I like to space my blogs out by about a month but I’ll let you know when/if I do it.