Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30692969-20170210184322/@comment-27905100-20170210231613

This is a good premise, but the prose is very dry in this story. That can be useful in other places, but for this it could use a lot more descriptors. It is also very quickly paced for this kind of story, or it seems that way, at least. The descriptors would slow the reader down, and help to fix both these problems.

The 'I watched' thing is also a bit of an issue. It gets super repetitive, and eventually just blends in with the background. This isn't as big an issue, though, so focus on the other two and we'll get to that one after.