Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181117043002/@comment-34823985-20181117092821

Warning! The following review may induce feelings of anger, hurt feelings, or the urge to lash out at the reviewer. Please understand the reviewer means no offense and is simply pointing out his own perceived issues with the story per your request. While there are some punctuation corrections, most of this review is just opinion/suggestion. Feel free to ignore any or all such drivel if you deem it as such. The reviewer is not a professional writer, critic, or even a highschool graduate, so please take all corrections/suggestions with a grain of salt as it may all be total bunk. :b

Ok, so here we go. I like the story, but I had to get past that first paragraph before I got interested. I feel it doesn't mesh with the rest of the story. I'd recommend getting rid of it or rewriting it. Ask yourself: Is the story an allegory of fear or a story about someone who discovered things that lurk in the dark?

Paragraph 1 - Darkness is not what scares us. When the cavemen where (were) lost in the night they were afraid of what was lurking beyond the light. They knew that at any moment a predator could leap (out - out from hiding - from the tall grass) and take them down. That is what we are truly afraid of, the unknown. When you lie awake at night staring into the abyss and you hear a creak or groan from your old house, you try to imagine it away but the truth is, somewhere inside you fear what may be beyond the light. Your mind creates monsters and demons but you close your eyes and wish them away. The truth is, there is evil in the dark and none of us are ever truly safe from it.

Paragraph 2 - I learned that the message had went out to her whole contact list. (the message went out to) or (the message had gone out to) -That second option sounds right to me, but it might not be proper. *yawn*

Paragraph 3 - My interest was very selfish, (. You see,) you see I have always enjoyed the macabre.

I asked if she could possible (possibly) turn on her webcam, share her experience with me.

Paragraph 6 - She sighed and burried (buried) her face in her hands.

Paragraph 7 - My eyes widened as I exploded the visual to full screen. (exploded?) Is that a computer term I don't know or... :b Does not compute, lol. *yawwwn*

Paragraph 9 - I snuffed out every candle, I turned out every light, and found myself covering my laptop just like Heather. (Suggestion: I snuffed... I turned... I found... - or - I snuffed... turned... found...)

I woke up everyday, pulling myself from my protective cloth and trying to make it through my day. (protective cloth?) Maybe make a remark about that silly idea kids have that staying under their blanket keeps them safe from monsters. It seems like that's what you're going for.