Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27569420-20170506155512/@comment-24101790-20170507130244

I won't bring up the coding again as I already left a message on your talk page. Starting with the format, if there're no interrupting actions between dialogue continuing on multiple paragraphs, you shouldn't use a closing quotation between the paragraphs.

"And that someone turned out to be Ariana.”(quotation not needed as dialogue isn't concluded)

“I don’t know, all I could tell, ..." (used when there are no intervening actions or dialogue is finished)

If you have any questions about this, you can look at my story The Chaplain for reference.

Awkward wording: "It could very well be that nobody had felt the mood to come out to play today, and I was uselessly racking my brains", "So basically, a psychopath murderer was out in the town, killing innocent people in a spree, and my townsmen were well averted (avert means, turn away (one's eyes or thoughts). It really doesn't work here.", "That’s utter stupid!" (You can either use 'That's utterly stupid' or 'that's utter stupidity' but that line doesn't really work as is), etc. I would suggest reading over the story aloud to correct any other issues you see.

Capitalization: "Good Night (night).", "I checked my watch. 11 (Eleven, as the start of sentences need to be capitalized).", "Just as the Sun (sun) went down" (this can be debated, but I learned never to capitalize the sun unless you were talking about the celestial body in conjunction with other planets), etc.

Miscellaneous errors: Punctuation left outside dialogue. "“Look what I’ve got you. Eau de Cologne’s your favorite? No, even I like that. But trust me, this one’s way better”.". Minor typos: "make a fortune of (off) the treatment."

Story issues: There should be some wording changes to keep consistency. Lines like: "It took very little strength to remove the coffin’s lid. And the moment I saw her face, I bent down to kiss her on the lips. There wasn’t a chance I could have resisted the charm of my sleeping beauty." would likely be better without mention of the coffin. If the protagonist is delusional enough to believe that she's alive, he likely wouldn't refer to it as a coffin.

Story issues cont.: I would also probably change the coffin to something above ground like a mausoleum as it's hard to believe that someone wouldn't attract attention (especially the hours they're doing it even if there is a curfew) by visiting an open grave (that no one is apparently noticing or reporting as desecration). It also adds an added wrinkle of disbelief that a grave could be dug up for multiple days without someone noticing whereas with an enclosed area, no one would likely notice unless they were visiting the tomb themselves. Given that the town is on curfew and police are likely searching for the attacker, you're going to want them out of sight.

Story issues: I might also advise against using Sundown syndrome as a reason for their activity as that is typically associated with people suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia. It seems more like the person is suffering a break from reality, a delusion, or dissociation rather than dementia which would impact their day-to-day life noticeably.

I like the premise (I even have a similar story that I wrote), but there are a few catching points in the plot that I think should be smoothed out (as well as fixing up the mechanical and coding errors) before this is ready to be posted.