Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35911608-20180617234538/@comment-35911608-20180618192939

BloodySpghetti wrote: Wooo its an Evil Swamp Thing on steroids I like it, but it needs a bunch of work.

First, I know it makes the most sense that the Garden of Eden would be in Africa, because thats where Humans came from, but, The Amazon has so much more to offer in terms of discoveries. We literally still find uncharted communities in the Amazonian rain forest.

Second, the story seems kind of rushed, I guess you were a bit concerned with the length and thus made sure to make it as short as possible - I think that's a bad move as it forced me to constantly force myself to suspend my disbelief mid plot. You shouldn't worry about the length if you want an organic piece. What do I mean by this being unorganic and rushed? Well the things just happen to quickly as if you're summerizing a text through an essay and not telling a story. We need to know a bit about the interactions of people. You could mention every now and again, mostly at the meetings, how people talk about yada yada yada and follow that up with the main point of the meeting.

Also, give people last and first names, makes them more human.

Make Adam some bigshot botanist or gardner that was picked for his extraordinary skill, or mention crazy trials that he passed to get the job.

Are you Sweedens? cause Parsons feels like a very Swedish name to me, idk.

Good job on delivering Adam's innitaial struggle when he got locked in the garden. Very organic, very good work on that part it was a nicely detailed descent into godhood(?) I like the whole theme of the corrupted Garden of Eden and the connections you've made between Hades and Yahweh. It's kind of true that the one true god is death. Also, Canaanite polytheims depicts the God of death as an unstoppable hungry being that devours even the supreme god Baal and is only capable of being stopped truly by the creator himself, El.

Alright, so some issues plot wise. You're not making them seem like real people, they don't even have last names. "The military got involved"? Give us some detail about what the world knows and about the public "panic" in regards to the situation of the researchers that leads to the involvement of the military. this is just kinda weird skippy stuff.

Mechanical issues. You need to make sure that you start a new paragraph whenever a new person is talking. Researcher A, "blah blah blah" Researcher B, "bah bah bah" can't go Researcher A, "blah blah blah" Researcher B, "bah bah bah"

Machina isn't a word in english, it's Machine.

the tenses are kinda off, just check out the grammar.

So yeah, it's great, but needs some work. :P Alright, thanks for the great feedback! I'm just going to attempt to respond and either defend my writing or accept yours haha. First, new to creepypastas, so I had no idea Evil Swamp was a thing, but no biggie. So for the Africa vs Amazon thing, I was thinking about Ebola and how we've seen multiple cases over the last few year, so I figured that'd be a good reason to start it there. Never really thought about the origin of humanity thing, good point there.

It's a yes-and-no on the story's length. I was a little worried about it getting too long, but I also just kinda ran out of initial ideas, and I was worried too much filler might bore the reader. I'll put some more thought into it though, add some more elaboration that's interesting. For characters, I wasn't really focused on the people so much as the situation, kinda like my fav CP to date, The Russain Sleep Exp. (yes, generic, but it's loved for a reason). But I agree, it's weird how half the story has no focus on anyone in particular, and then I half-ass in two or three with names. I will give them full names as well.

I am Canadian actually, and Parsons just sounded very... science-y to me. Adam, in all honesty, was NOT just chosen because "oh look at me it's Adam in the evil garden of Eden look how smart I am". I just thought the name really fit that character. Also thank you for your comment on his deterioration, but I feel personally I could add just a teensy bit more to it. We'll see.

As for the corrupted garden of Eden thing, that was where I planned to go from the start, but I felt I got REALLY hamfisted with my wording towards the end, so I've fixed that up a bit. Especially that weird bit about not knowing the other researchers and everyone being part of the "machina", no clue why I did haha. Already ditched that whole part.

And I ENTIRELY agree about the outside world, even while I was writing it I felt iffy, but I didn't know what to do (and again, refer to the story's length section for some reasoning). Definitely gotta add to that.

Alright, good stuff! Thanks again, I'll start fixing that up, and might have another draft tonight or tomorrow.