Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30660757-20161205185508/@comment-24101790-20161205190242

There are a lot of errors. Let's try to be more gracious this time. Besides the basic formatting errors; dialogue needs to be spaced out so two speakers are never on the same line (common in almost every form of literature), there are a lot of mechanical issues here. Despite being only about a paragraph long, I am seeing over a dozen errors here.

"This make Owen insrested (sic) as because he needed money to buy his sister a gift for Christmas." This not only has typos but is awkwardly written.

"Sure, I'll do it(punctuation missing)" After school, Owen meet (met) them at the back of the school."

"They sneaked in to the school, and walked to the room. "Get in punk!" He (I wouldn't play the pronoun game here and would instead name the bully) kicked him in and shut the door behind"

The bland descriptors are back as well: "He decided to walk around the room to find that the bucket that was there was filled with blood, as well as the mop covered in blood."

I'm sorry, but this is extremely rushed, there's little reason to be invested in the characters. Why should the audience care about the protagonist? What is the explanation for the blood-stravaganza in the room? Why exactly would the kids pay to lock Owen in a room for a second unless they had something planned or sinister? There's way too many questions here.

This feels like your previous entry, hastily written and well below our quality standards. Feel free to respond, but I think I'm going to move on to other authors that are actually spending time on their stories.