Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34853659-20180928200847/@comment-35711173-20180928222909

John,

The problem is that way too many elements you are straight trollpasta.

Start with reading User blog:DrBobSmith/How to Write a Trollpasta

I see the following:


 * Computer screens being accosted by horrible images of
 * Pointless violence and excessive gore.
 * The Unfaithful Narrator, in which the speaker of the story is dead.

Those are the big problems. You need to address them all before bothering with the minor ones that will follow. You may well find out that the issues listed below even go away because you throw the section away.


 * If someone dies of a lung puncture wound and that is the only wound, they would be identified trivially.
 * If someone has a long puncture wound, they would have time to call 9/11.
 * a splatter 2 houses over - should be "a splatter two houses over." If it's less than 11, spell it out.  When I was young, it was "if it's less than 21."
 * I never heard of any of those games. (OK, I am guessing I am old enough to be your grandfather.  But still, I am no Luddite.)  You say "World of Warcraft" and everyone knows it's a computer game.  GTA??  Is it Grand Theft Auto?  Maybe.  Or is it Gynecological Teaching Associate?  (Given the two, I know which game I'd rather play ...)
 * I know that last paragraph was supposed to be all cop like, but it's choppy.