Talk:My First House/@comment-25148755-20161203063013

This is the first of your stories I decided to look at. I'm just going to kind of stream of consciousness thoughts I had while reading it. The pacing of the first paragraph is weird. You use a bunch of short choppy sentences that throws it off a bit.

The overall setup is fine although I would consider moving the question asked to the landlord about why the apartment is so cheap to when the narrator is first moving in rather than when he is moving out.

I feel like there needs to be more description about the narrators reactions when the weird stuff starts happening...and his choices don't seem to pass the common sense test. "Strange voices keeping me up? Better go sleep in the basement!" If influence from the entity is what's pushing these actions it isn't really developed.

"He's going to hurt us" sounds like something a child would say but the entity described is in no way child like. Are there children ghosts present as well? If so I'd consider adding them to better make that distinction.

Regarding description of the creature the "strands stretching from the form" makes me think of slenderman...take that as a pro or con as you will.

This story has a lot of detail about certain things (the ornate carvings) but leaves me with too many questions. Why was the landlord killed? Ostensibly he knew about the haunting, or if he didn't, why did it just kill him now? Why were the police waiting until they had reinforcements? If cops heard someone talking about hurting someone they are likely going to be going in to stop it...unless hey somehow knew there was some supernatural stuff going on as well but again I'm not sure how they'd have known that.

All in all it is a story with a classic premise (narrator moves into a new house and finds out it's haunted) but doesn't really do anything to distinguish itself from the other stories of its like. There are simply too few details given (I'm not saying you have to spell everything out but at the same time I'm at a loss to determine really anything about the nature of the ghosts).