Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35251736-20171030165718/@comment-24101790-20171107163013

Overall I enjoyed the story. I did notice a couple of errors that should probably be corrected. Other than that, I think this story would make an excellent addition to the wiki.

Capitalization: "a mildly alcoholic Dad (dad as you're not really using it as a title or substitute for a person's name) who doesn’t know the meaning of too hard", "I must have been a murderer in a past life man,” I complained, “And (and) yes Jerry I friggin’ know I’ll be compensated regardless.”", "“Dying on your knees, how pathetic,” Vidher mocked, “Ask (ask) your questions", "You could have been a part of the great Lord Berstuk, but you have slain him,” Vidher cried, “My (my) last act as his servant", etc. (If you mean those sections to be the start of a new sentence of dialogue, the second comma should be replaced with a period like this: "I must have been a murderer in a past life man,” I complained,(period) “And (and) yes Jerry I friggin’ know I’ll be compensated regardless.”) “Shady Shit (shit).”

Punctuation: "Jerry sighed and said,(: as the dialogue is a new paragraph)", " I looked over at Mr. Creepy and said,", etc. "Now you may be asking yourself how the hell did a combat veteran with access to the GI bill and 4 years of “leadership” training end up installing cable in Arkansas.(? Rhetorical questions are commonly punctuated with a question mark, which you do with a number of other rhetorical questions later in the story ("No other way to follow someone telling you he doesn’t trust you, well who could blame him?").)", " How the fuck are you supposed to respond to that.(?)", “So what the hell should I do Jack? And why the FUCK are you so calm(question mark missing)”, etc.

Typically when paraphrasing or quoting someone else inside of dialogue, you can use single quotations to differentiate them. "Not like, (')Hey Jack can you call the cops?(') Or (')Hey Jack can you convince me not to walk into the scary woods towards a screaming person?(') Or, (')why (Why)are you condoning this Jack?(')”"

Wording: You have a tendency to sub out 0's for o's when writing and frequently switch back and forth between the two. "Then I saw a small patch of brighter Earth and an open area about 2oo (200) yards ahead of me.", "I was standing and another roughly 3o (30) yards past that", etc. “Just knowing the type and where it is will be s (sic) enough for me.”

Generally numbers less than ten are written out. "It stood (well slumped) at around 2 (two) stories, with rotted wood siding and maybe 2 (two) out of ten windows not smashed in" While it's more of a stylistic thing, it does help story structure to be uniform.

Format: Generally try to avoid having multiple speakers/voices in the same paragraph. "“Another day, another dollar towards beer money,” I thought to myself as I pulled into my company’s parking lot. As I walked into the office, I heard the gruff, deep voice of my manager Jerry say, “Hey bub, yer goin’ out of area today.”" Also, avoid indenting paragraphs. While it is correct in most literature, in wiki format, it causes the white box issues that are visible above.

Story: While I do like the fact that we have Jack weighing in as an audience surrogate, I am wondering how this is all working logistically? “I’m warning you nut job, do not take one more step. I will fucking spray you’re (your) goddam tree-puppet with your fucking brain matter!” In my ear Jack shouted, “Nice line! Where’d you hear that, a movie?” Is Bobby holding his phone to his ear during all of this while aiming his gun and doing everything? It seems a bit off that he'd be doing both. Maybe I'm overlooking a scene where he changed over from a phone to a Bluetooth, headset, or earpiece. It kind of feels like the found footage issue (why hold onto your camera when all of this crazy shit is happening instead of dropping it and being more able to respond to the situation?).

Conclusion: Overall I really enjoyed this one and found most of the humor was on point and the scenes were described well. Other than a couple of mechanical issues, I think this would make a good addition to the wiki. It's got a great blend of action, characterization, and horror elements. Good job.