Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26017761-20150118014103/@comment-25913561-20150118120525

Hello Dr.German,

I hope you will understand that I don't wish to be rude, but this story needs a lot of work.

Firstly paragraphs are your friend. The text is all mashed together and makes it look awful, not only that but it's hard to read.

Now on top of that this is lacking vital grammar and spelling checks. This story is filled with typos and lacks commas and full stops.

Next there is the issue of your "colourful" language... "I went to the bathroom to toke a big shit" I'll ignore the typo here and just let you know that, while using the bathroom is perfectly fine, your readers really don't want to know that the main character "took a big shit".

I feel the need to also mention that the image isn't particularly scary or creepy, and stories of creepy images are done a lot lately so you really need to either provide a truly creepy image or describe a truly creepy image.

On top of all that, your delivery of the story feels very forced. It's just not very engaging. I know that it can be hard to piece together a story that please everyone, but this story just doesn't hook me in at all.

Now, all that aside, if you take this story and lay it out correctly, use proper spelling and grammar, use better wording and descriptions, and perhaps avoid describing the passing of stool (I'm referring to the "big shit") you will have a much better story.

I hope that my advice can help you both with this story and any future stories.

Best of luck :)