Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26921530-20150925022019/@comment-26475800-20150925034035

Sorry, I tried but didn't finish. I can give you some advice though. Work on your dialogue.

The mom and dad in the story were just douchebags, the said things that no normal person would say to their children. A perfect example is telling her daughter to shut up while driving to the hospital. Sure, a mom may tell their kid to shut up, but not when they think the kid is going to die. Also, why did she leave the hospital to get to her husband.

Strange bumps that are bad enough to go to the hospital, I doubt that this parent would be leaving until she knew what was happening. Most parents, outside of the creepypasta world, do love their children and aren't such assholes.

Make the dialogue sound like something someone would say. A child wouldn't say that their brother or sister was a cannibal, they would whine about how said brother or sister bit them. Also, what mom would yell at a child to tell them what is wrong when they see their child rocking in the corner? Wouldn't they try to sooth them and then get them to tell what had happened?

There is also another phrase which was said "don't hurt touch me." This was grand, but makes no since.

Things like that will kill a story to the point where their no revival. Make the people realistic, give them emotion and have them work off those emotions.

Not trying to be harsh, but last time I gave advice the person was just asking me to edit their story. It was littered with far more errors than this one and was far less interesting. You have something here which you can save, just rethink the interpersonal relationships and fix the wonky spacing, than post it back here and see what happens.