Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25685373-20141219155000/@comment-25685373-20141223150236

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

Tayuski wrote:

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Let's get back on track here. This story has a lot of issues that haven't been talked about (misspellings/typos, grammar; mainly involving apostrophes and plurals and their lack from contractions, their/there/they're, punctuation; commas lacking from sentences where a pause is indicated, capitalization, spacing/formatting issues, and quite a number of cliches in the story.) that currently drastically reduce the overall quality of the story and bring it below quality standards. As it stands, the story needs work, it doesn't need a back-and-forth about similarities to other stories. (Although it does follow a lot of generic tropes that would best be left out.

As it stands, the entire story needs quite a bit of re-working and time to be put into it. I would suggest getting back on track as those issues have not been corrected yet. .-. that grammar and so on has been talked about .. its in the first comment..

Anyways i dont see a point in trying to keep up on this story when i have jerks though it in my face its a "rip" off. i mean why keep trying when they already look at the similarities and not the differences And yet you've done nothing to fix them (The comment is three days old and there are still a massive amount of issues in the story.) while decrying people giving advice and trying to improve the quality of your story. They are pointing out the similarities as it is the similarities and grammatical issues that would lead to your story being deleted should you attempt to upload it.

I'm going to go in-depth with this then. First and foremost, the dialogue needs to be spaced out and moved to new lines. (Especially when having multiple people talking as it clutters up the paragraph and is confusing.

Punctuation issues: plural words do not need apostrophes ("knee's", "eye's", "leg's", "name's", "hand's", etc.) as they are neither contractions nor indicating possession. Additionally cut back on the ellipses as they are excessive and come across as melodramatic. Commas missing from dialogue openings. "....tone "Hey Amy, How (how) was your day at school?", "...swatting at his hand "Ah!- stop (Stop) it big brother! Hah~" she would laughed (laugh).", "...she nodded her head "Silly big brother.", "...then spoke out "Well ok then,(.) Ill(I'll) be down in a bit.". Apostrophes missing from contractions (it's, what's, that's, etc.: ""Of course I'm (I'm) alright, Whats (what's) wrong with you?"

Wording issues: "Madison spoke to himself in a sadden (saddened) tone as he sat...", "...he would spoke (speak) in a soften (soft/softened) tone to himself...", "Soon his bedroom door opened up and a little girl at about hip height would stand (sic) there.", "Amy's eye's (eyes) would fallow (follow)...". Your story shifts from being told in past tense to present a number of times. "He opened the medical cabinet and pull (pulled) out some bandages.", "While he was washing his hands(comma missing) he slowly look (looked) up into the mirror.", "his (he's) like Bloody marry. (Mary)"", "...look. only (Only) then did his eye's (eyes) widen as he seen (saw) Madison, standing there behind him with the (a) butcher knife.", "he frowned then and walk (walked) to the mirror "..(ellipses not needed) So disgusting.""

Capitalization issues: Words capitalized in the middle of sentences. "...his leg's (legs), He (he) had been...", "I Never (never) did Anything (anything)...", "been on the floor, She (she) frowned a bit...", "...eye level with her, He (he) had...", "...Brother, Are (are) you ok?...(ellipses should be reversed with question mark.)", "...would laugh a bit Hysterically (shouldn't be capitalized) once more(comma missing) "I love you Emily, I always have and always will.. N-No one will take you away from me now.."

Grammatical issues: You're=you are, your=possession. ", your (you're) so adorable", "Your (You're) a freak.") Their/there/they're "...they're (their, as it indicates possession) short end."

I hope you take this under advisement and make the changes and look for issues I may have missed in my quick glance over your story. I under stand your trying to be helpful and so on and im trying to not take it as a rude way your going about it, but Grammar is not easy for me and as it is i haventfixed anything because i was only asking for opinions, not a grammar lesson. Maybe ill fix it when i get into the mood again but right now i see no point in fixing a story thats being compared to another.