Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32720314-20170730023233/@comment-32720314-20170730025325

EmpyrealInvective wrote: "My grandmother on my mother's side is the only one of my grandparent's (grandparents) still alive."

"She had been wandering around the village visiting local stores and enjoying herself thinking about her future not suspecting that anything could possibly go wrong."

Characterization: "She was around 20 at the time that this incident happened and very excited because she would soon be married and her life would be wonderful." The story could really use a lot more characterization here. As it's being based off a (seemingly) true event, you need to build-up this person and get the audience invested in them/relating to them.

Story issues: "When she entered she saw what appeared to be a woman putting something around the walls which wasn't odd because there was another family that lived in the house and they would often walk around at late hours." It still comes across as odd that there would be someone painting on the walls late at night. Additionally, if she was able to identify the person, why was she unable to see what she was putting up.

Description: The symbols could use quite a bit more description here. This comes across as bland: "The symbols included some shapes such as randomly drawn circles but the only symbol that stood out was one of a skull that was half detailed and the other half rushed and partly missing the bottom of the skull." and "There were also some words written in Urdu which stated, "The Devil is here" 3 times." feels kind of contrived without any real explanation (even if it was just the person inferring what it could mean). Doing that would make it seem less generic horror movie-esque (it really has no impact on the story and could be subbed out with any message which doesn't really help with the plot progression) and build up the scene further.

Story issues cont.: The story could use a lot more build-up and development. The line at the end: "She stated that this was the single most terrifying event that happened to her and to be honest, I am not at all surprised." doesn't do a very good job of bookending the story as the story really doesn't put the audience into the protagonist's shoes or create a sense of tension or dread. While an event like that could be scary, it needs to be more effectively told to draw the reader in. Thank you for the reply! It's the first piece of creative writing that I've actually wanted to do in a long time because school tends to suck the creativity out of you. I appreciate the detail and I'll be sure to use this criticism to make better work in the future.