Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26416562-20150605200508/@comment-25052433-20150606021409

Well, the post above seems to have summed up the grammatical errors pretty well, so I will stick to just critiqing the plot.

The over all story has potential and I think could be a great addition. The most basic skeleton of this is that a man crashes on a remote island and encounters elements either of his mind, or of a paranormal nature. That is a good story and has lots of room to grow and develop.

What we end up with here though is a lot of filler that really isn't needed to tell this story, and would be better either removed or replaced with more plot driving elements.

To list a few:

-The football injuries seem as though they are going to have a larger bearing on the plot, however, after the intro, the brain injuries are only mentioned once more, and not presented in a heavy enough format to feel as though they are impacting the plot.

-The fear of heights and the job in Russia really seem to have no real bearing hear. The job could have been anywhere and anything, as well as the character could have been stranded anywhere, since setting really has no impact, and even the environment itself is really of no impact.

-The conversations between Todd and Jeffery should be much more detailed, since that is pretty much to core of this plot. However, the way it is presented here, it all feels very rushed. One minute Todd and Jeffery are the best of pals, and then with almost no real plot development, he's killed the guy.

-The ending and rescue all seem too cliche. The idea that a guy died there in that same fashion and all, it didn't really come across as a surprise or anything.

How I would improve this is rather simple. I would really work on the head injury concept. Make Todd see things, here things, really wonder what is going on. Working off of the head injury, you could warp his reality in all sorts of ways that would keep the reader guessing. Almost like a Shutter Island sort of deal.

The idea of him traveling across the world has no bearing, you could really remove that all together and just work with Todd have issues anywhere. Lost in the woods while camping or something would actually make more sense than going all the way to Russia.

In closing, like I said at the start, I think the bone-work of this story is really good. You can do whole lot with the idea you have. I would just tighten up the execution and re-work the inner workings of the plot, and I think you'll have a great product here.