Admission

"How did you meet her?" the woman asked.

I smiled as I recalled the story. "It all started off so normally. I put an ad on one of those online dating sites. I knew exactly what I wanted, I just had to figure out how to word it. I finally went with, 'Cute little blonde seeks BBW'---that's 'Big Beautiful Woman'---'for companionship and maybe more.' And then I think I added a winky face. Or something like that. It's hard to remember the exact wording with all that's happened since then."

"And so it was Joan who responded?"

"Yes, indeed! I still remember the first time I saw her. She really was big and beautiful. And she reminded me so much of my mother! Her hair and eyes were the same color as mom's. She even smelled like her! I knew she was the one. The one I'd been hoping for."

"Then what happened?" she asked, leaning across the table where we sat.

"Well," I continued, "I admit it was weird at first. I'd never been on a date with a woman before. I didn't know what to do or how to act. Was I supposed to be 'the boy?' Or was she? I had no idea. I just knew I wanted---no, I needed her to trust me. It was the most important thing in the world to me."

"What did you do together?"

"Well, we started by going out to eat, of course. I realize now that I was kind of stupid because I had the bright idea for us to walk to the restaurant. Joan was game, but had to stop and rest a few times. I didn't think to account for her size. I guess a five hundred pound frame can't travel as easily as a smaller one. But, like I said, she was perfect and I really wanted her to like me, so I didn't mind at all. When we finally got there, I made sure I ordered whatever she wanted---my treat, of course. It was a date after all, I suppose."

"So you met up and you ate. Then what?"

"Well, we talked a lot over dinner and really got to know each other. We had so much in common. In fact, it turned out that we had both lost our mothers at around the same time. 'What a coincidence!' I remember thinking. 'Could this be anymore perfect?' I was so happy to have found her."

"What happened after dinner," she asked. I could tell she was waiting for me to get to the meat of my story. Her eagerness amused me.

"We were supposed to see a movie," I continued, "but when we left the restaurant, Joan turned to me... and I'll never forget what she said. She said, 'You know, I really like you. Like really, really like you. And I'm wondering if we might go somewhere more... private?'

"Well, I just could hardly contain myself! I mean, of course I was nervous, but I was so happy the evening was going so well. So I got us a ride to my apartment, which honestly I should have done for the restaurant, but I wasn't thinking before, you see.

"But anyway, we get to my apartment and I take Joan to the bedroom. This is the part you were waiting for, isn't it? You want all the details, don't you?"

"Are there details for you to give me, Sandy?" she asked me.

"There so are," I exclaimed. "We go into the bedroom and immediately, Joan sits down and starts taking off her clothes. I start doing the same thing. Of course, I was a little faster and so once I was done, I just started helping Joan with whatever else she still had on.

"And so there we were, naked as the day we were born. I told Joan to lie back. And she did. And there it was. Oh my God, I'm shaking just thinking of it now. It was what I'd waited so long to see. I put my finger inside it. It was warm, wet, and soft. It was perfect. Everything I’d dreamed of. And I knew Joan was happy, so I kept going. I used both hands and tried to stretch it open as far as I could." I frowned and bowed my head. "It was never quite enough. I wish it had been. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my head to fit. And if my head wouldn't fit, I knew the rest of me wouldn't."

"What was Joan doing this whole time?"

I sighed, remembering the unpleasant parts of the evening. "Well, she was uncomfortable. She kept yelling for me to stop, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I had to keep trying to get in there. I knew it was where I needed to be, the only place that would make me feel… safe… happy....

“But finally, I guess she had enough. She pushed me off and got up and started grabbing her clothes. I begged her not to leave, but she called me so many horrible names. Again, just like my mother. It only made me more certain than ever that Joan was the one I needed.

"I kept begging her to stay, but she pushed me aside and headed for the door. I couldn't let her leave. Not after all I'd gone through to make this happen. I had no choice but to grab the knife from under my mattress."

"And you stabbed her?" I could tell by her expression that I had her full attention now, if I didn't before.

"Yes," I said. The shame rose up within me, spilling out as a sudden flood of tears. "I stabbed her in the back. I had to. I needed her. I needed her to... to stay…."

She leaned back in her chair. "So tell me what happened after you... you stabbed Joan."

I took a deep breath and continued. "She fell backward, thank God," I said. "If she had fallen onto her stomach I know I would have been screwed. I wouldn't have been able to roll her over, not a woman of that size. Not by myself, anyway. But there she was, on her back, looking like the blessing she was.

"I knew by then that I couldn't fit... you know... in there. So I decided to try another way. I took the knife in my hand and I sliced through her belly. There was a lot to cut through, but I was determined, and so I made it eventually. This is going to sound so stupid, but when I opened her up, I realized that I hadn't quite accounted for all the organs that would be in there. Ridiculous, right? I mean, intellectually, I knew the human body was filled with stuff, I just.... I don't know. Maybe I was just too focused on my goal, with it being so close and all.

"Anyway," I continued, "Naturally, I had to make some room for myself. That's what all that mess was. I've never been a very tidy person---another thing my mother hated about me---so on the floor it all went. At last, though, she was empty, and so I tried again." My tears flowed freely as the memory of that horrible moment returned.

"I could fit more of myself inside her," I said, "but there still wasn't enough room." I sighed. "I really thought she'd be big enough. I really thought I'd be able to just crawl inside her and pull her skin all around me like a blanket." A sob fought its way out of my throat. "I was still too big. There still wasn't enough room for me. It was like my mother rejecting me all over again."

The tears blurred my view of the officer sitting across from me, but I still managed to read the look of shock on her bloodless face. Though she remained seated, I watched as she leaned away from me as far as her chair's back would allow. In my pitiful state, this only meant one thing. Rejected again, I thought. I buried my face in my arms and wept as I heard her gather the crime scene photos and shuffle out of the room.