Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20180828001306/@comment-5733573-20180902062139

DrBobSmith wrote: I've tried to improve the ritual part of the story. I hope it has worked. Bob, I don't think you're getting what I'm saying about the ritual. Here's an example:

"For the first part of the ritual, Trayvon drummed along with Henderson and LeBlanc. Henderson said to drum like it was a machine gun and concentrate on the spirit of the nkisi. It was a cork standing with the use of a needle that had two forks coming from its sides. The point of the needle balanced on a coin sitting on the mouth of a wine bottle."

This reads like a science paper. It tells us matter-of-factly what's happening. There's no passion in it. It's not even weird the way you've written, much less scary. It's written like you're trying to hurry us past this part, when really this should be centerpiece of the story. It should be total mindfuckery and creepiness, and the only way we're going to get that is if we experience it with Trayvon's emotions.

Separate yourself from your research for a second. What's important here is how Trayvon feels throughout the ritual. Take us on his journey. Don't just tell us what's happening like we're observing a clinical study. Does he not feel at least confusion, if not fear at any point? Is this not far outside the realm of anything he's considered to be reality? That warrants big emotions if the story's going to be worth it, and if you can't manage those, then the story just shouldn't be written.