Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38610297-20190223044730/@comment-36627132-20190225104450

BloodySpghetti wrote: NedWolfkin wrote: BloodySpghetti wrote: Uhhh, I couldn't even understand what was going on. Please fix your English.... The whole story also seems very jumpy like you're jumping from scene to scene. It's supposed to be fluent and things should make sense in the plot... here they don't really. Here's a summary that might help. I know this, and have mentally filled in the blanks, because I actually had to read this twice: I wrote a review for it then the author updated so I had to read it twice.

And don't worry this isn't a critical synopsis or an opinionated one, this is a flat summary.

The narrator starts the story telling us that they met two girls who wanted them to share their story. The twins, the Angel of light (sic) and the Angel of Darkness. Angel of Light, known as Serena, is good and has blonde hair, her left eye is brown and her right eye is blue. Angel of Darkness, known as Cara, has chocolate milk colored hair, her left eye is blue and her right eye is brown.

The girls are walking home from school and decide to take a shortcut their mother warned them against. They are stopped by a fortune teller who warns them that they may become victims of dangerous things that are about to happen in the neighborhood. He whispers "I have saved many friends and family, but these two are in for it." as the girls leave.

The girls hear "Run Forest Run" coming from the bushes and panic. They run to their house which they board up.

The girls sit on the couch and turn on the television and see a news report about people vanishing. The girl's mother tries to get into the house and the girls let her in (I think she was supposed to be what they were running from earlier?). Their mother compliments them on doing a good job cleaning the house, which surprises them as they had not done any of their chores yet.

The girls go upstairs and they hear a noise. They head downstairs and hear a shriek which they follow to find their mother dead.

Serena goes downstairs then goes back up to find Cara being attacked by a Soul Hunter, a shapeshifter who has taken the form of reptile-like creature. Serena throws a vase at the Soul Hunter and he jumps out the window. Cara informs her that the Soul Hunter is a human who can shapeshift but "ain't no slender men or whatever", he steals souls and cannot be killed. She explains that she stabbed him and he informed her that "his blood is venomous to some and to others, it can change them."

Serena calls the police who brush it off as a joke. Serena asks Cara, whose right eye is red, if she is alright and she hisses that she has never been better. Serena flees, locking a steel door behind her. She finds a sheet of paper left by their mother instructing her tear the sheet up and to burn it when she is done reading it, and to pull a brick out of the fire place that will open a hidden passage that will lead to the basement. The note concludes with a warning not to let "him see who you are".

Serena puts supplies in a suitcase, leashes the dog, and finds the correct brick that activates the secret passageway. Serena goes through the passageway and finds gold plates with notes on them. She goes through the "first door" which leads her to a storage area.

Serena searches the other rooms, one of which she finds a book "with writing as if someone had been trying to figure out how to defeat or kill a soul hunter." In another room she finds a diary "signed" Duchess Maria. She finds a room with her name on it (I suppose the author meant her name was on the door?) and finds a bed in it. She takes one of the books from her suitcase which contains information about the soul hunter and a recipe for something that he must be tricked into drinking.

Serena falls asleep and wakes up the next morning and heads down a tunnel. Cara pops up out of nowhere and Serena tries to scare her with "some of the defeat medicine" which does not work on Cara.

He, who I am assuming is the Soul Hunter (this is never clarified as he is just referred to as "he"), puts his arms around Cara and it "all made since now, he was looking for a mate, and they were Angel shifters". Cara starts flying and Serena flies after her "plotting revenge". This is still way too jumpy and makes no sense whatsoever.

A full re-write with clear plot points and characters is required. I agree, I only tried to make a comprehensible summary. I think the ending of it is where it gets REALLY jumpy!