Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25947144-20150124212540/@comment-25941663-20150125111544

I didn't expect the twist ending. At all. Kudos for that.

I am afraid that was the only high point of the story though. One thing that stands out is the dialogue. It takes up about 3 quarters of your story, yet it feels so robotic and artificial that at times made me cringe. Dialogue is a tricky thing (I certainly have lots of trouble with it) and if done wrong, it can real break the reader's immersion.