Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31538144-20170317115058/@comment-28266772-20170327135708

Hey, I’ve annotated your story below to show you the corrections. On top of that I’ve included some further notes on the common mistakes you’ve made and how to avoid them in the future.

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Hello, I don’t [don’t] know why I am posting this. Maybe its [it’s] because I can feel myself slipping, my mind is dying, being [being] slowly disolved [dissolved] into nothingness. Maybe its [it’s] because I want to leave a footprint on this world before I die, before I disappear [disappear].

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I guess I will start from the top [comma] telling a little about myself. My name is Markus, born and raised in Norway. I`m a short guy [comma] only 1.7meters [1.7 meters] tall [comma] with a thick Viking [Viking] beard, but also quite muscular with wide shoulders despite beeing [being] chubby from the lack of exercise.

I am 29 years old, never had a girlfriend and have been struggling with depression and paranoia ever since I got bullied in grade school.

My mom was a single parent working 3 [three] jobs just to keep a roof over my head until I turned 18 then she threw me out to live my own life.

I have no job, due to my social issues. Unemployed and generally a shutin [shut-in] loner with no friends. Spending my time just trying to get through the day.

Anyways I dont [don’t have much time [.] I need to get my story out there. To warn you, [<- delete that comma] so you don’t [don’t disappear [disappear] like me [.] , so [delete ‘, so’] heres [<- capital – Here’s] my story.

I woke up in a dark room tied to some kind of chair, a light shining down above me [cast] a perfect circle of light about 5 meters wide around me. I tried to see past the border of the light but my eyes couldn’t [couldn’t] adjust to the darkness.

My body feeling [felt] cold and hollow, a feeling of desperation starting [started] to grow inside of me. How did I get here, [?] what [What] happened? The last thing I remember [remembered] was going to bed after watching some youtube videos [on] my pc while eating pizza. My doors and windows are allways [always] locked during the night, and I am a light sleeper that wakes up at the slightest sound. There is no way anyone could abduct me without breaking in and waking me up.

I start [started] to panic when I notice [noticed] my body growing colder and colder despite being [being] fully clothed. Hoody, jeans, shoes, I am [was] even wearing my glasses.My [<- missing space] entire body [was] completely numb to any sensation other then [than] a [an] empty floating coldness.

A sudden sound from somewhere in the dark makes [made] me jump, [.] it [It] sounds [sounded] like footsteps. Someone is[was] slowly walking towards me. I try [tried] to yell for help at the top of my longues [lungs] but I cant [couldn’t] hear my own voice, [.] I yell [yelled] as hard as I can [could] but nothing. I cant [couldn’t] even feel the vibration of my vocal chords.

The footsteps grow [grew] closer and closer, and I can [could] see movement in the dark just outside of the cone of light. Its [It was] a person, a [an] earily [eerily] familiar person. My panic dissapears [disappeared] due to this [the] weird sense of familiarity, [.] I have [had] no idea who this person is [was] or why I suddenly feel [felt] safe, but I feel [felt] as if this person would never harm me.

The person steps [stepped] out into the light calmy [calmly] and slowly, a cold horrifying freezing sensation hits [hit] me deep in the core of my chest. Its [It was] me, I am [was] watching myself. My face, my clothes, even my body language.How [<- missing space] is [was] this possible? Is [Was] this a joke? Confusion completely paralyses [paralysed] my ability to think, [.] this [It] doesnt [didn’t] make any sense, [.] have [Had] I finaly [finally] gone completely mad?

The person looking like me stops [stopped] about 3 [three] meters in front of me and open [opened] his mouth. [new line when someone speaks]

"Hello Markus, long time no see [.]" I freak [freaked] out, [.] that’s [That was] my voice! He is [was] speaking with my voice! Not the voice other people hear, [.] I have heard recordings of my own voice before. He speaks [spoke] with the voice I hear inside my own head when I talk. I try [tried] to talk back at [delete ‘at’ replace with ‘to’] him but still, no sound. "Its [It’s] pointless to try and talk[,]" he says [said], [.] "You silenced me years ago, you refused to listen to me. I am merely returning the favor". [.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">I wriggle [wriggled] against my restraints to try and get free, only to realise there are [were] no restraints. I am [was] sitting on a chair completely normal [normally], arms down [by] my sides, only able to move my head and torso.

<p class="MsoNormal">The man posing as me looks [looked] at me with pity and sadness, [.] "How I wish things were different, if only you would have listened. We could have had a good life together. But you forced me into a dark corner of your mind, now you are the one being [being] trapped in the dark corner of your mind". [.”] A tear slowly drips [dripped slowly] down his cheek, [.] "Doing this hurts me more then you, but you are wasting our life. You are heading down a self destructive [self-destructive] path, and I cant [can’t] let you do this to us anymore".

<p class="MsoNormal">Suddenly I understand [understood] what is [was] happening, [.] its [It was] as if I allready [already] knew it but my fear and panic prevented me from realising it. He is me, he is my conscience. The voice of reason, compassion and love that I haven’t [hadn’t] listened to for countless years due to my depression and paranoia. My conscience speaks [spoke] up again after wiping away his tears, [.] "Sorry, but I will be taking over from here on. I will be changing our life around. Leave it to me, everything will be ok". [.”]

<p class="MsoNormal">He is [was] struggling with breathing, [.] his voice [was] breaking up [and was] filled with sadness and sorrow. As if he would break down and cry at any time.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Sadly, I cant [can’t] have you hurting us anymore. So you will have to stay here. Dont [Don’t] worry I will live our life for the both of us". [.”] He turns [turned] around and starts [started] runing [running] as if leaving me here is [was] the most difficult thing he has [had] ever done, [.] his [His[ footsteps disappearing [disappeared] immediately the moment he is [was] out of the light.

<p class="MsoNormal">I`m stuck [I was stuck], [.] I sit [sat] there waiting for what feels [felt] like days. I have [had] no way to tell time, [.] there [There] are [were] no windows, no sounds, no anything [nothing] other then [than] me stuck to this [that] chair. I grow [grew] impatient, [.] I try [tried] to do anything I can [could] to get free, to move. But its [was] hopeless, [.] I am [was] stuck in this limbo. I franticly try [tried] shaking my head and torso, trying to feel something, make a sound. I even try [tried] to bite my own tongue but I cant [couldn’t] feel it. I cant [couldn’t] feel my mouth, cant [couldn’t] feel or hear anything. The only thing I can [could] feel is [was] the cold floating sensation runing [running] through my body.

<p class="MsoNormal">Going crazy from this isolation, [no comma] I start [started] using my imagination to try and escape. I try [tried] replaying the tv [TV] shows I have watched in my head, [.] I try [tried]    to sing songs to myself in my mind. [no period] Only [only] to realise I cant [couldn’t], [.] I can [could] barely remember anything. My mind and thoughts starts [started] slipping away from me.

<p class="MsoNormal">I stop [stopped] thinking. Thinking is [was] impossible. This [The] floating sensation is [was] enjoyable, .] it [It] reminds [reminded] me that I excist [existed]. That I am [was] alive. I spend [spent] my time enjoying [enjoying] the feeling of floating, [.] I can [could] feel myself slowly floating in cold darkness. Am [Was] I sleeping? What happened to the light?

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">I feel like this I’ll just be going over the same problems again and again so let me offer a summary as best as I can.

<p class="MsoNormal">Common errors:

<p class="MsoNormal">Contractions: all contractions in English are marked with an apostrophe.

<p class="MsoNormal">''Do not -> Don’t. Cannot -> Can’t. I am -> I’m. Could not -> Couldn’t. Would not -> Wouldn’t. It is -> It’s. Does not -> Doesn’t. Here is -> Here’s''

<p class="MsoNormal">Its/It’s: It’s is a shorter way to say “It is” but “Its” is used to say something owns another thing. Let’s say your describing how a monster looks – “Its teeth were big and frightening” is correct. “It’s teeth were big and frightening” is not.

<p class="MsoNormal">Punctuation #1: If you can write two separate phrases as separate sentences you should. Do not use a comma to separate two sentences. For example,

<p class="MsoNormal">''My cat has a long tail. It often knocks things over.'' -> that is correct.

<p class="MsoNormal">''My cat has a long tail, it often knocks things over. ''-> that is NOT correct. You repeat this mistake frequently.

<p class="MsoNormal">Punctuation #2: Speech. All punctuation goes inside the speech marks. It is always: ?” or !” or .” or ,” and NEVER “.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hello, you look nice.” -> Correct

<p class="MsoNormal">''“Hello, you look nice”. -> NOT correct''

<p class="MsoNormal">Spelling:

<p class="MsoNormal">You make a lot of spelling mistakes. You can use MS word or spellcheck.net to correct spelling errors or even just google if you’re not sure about one specific word. Commonly misspelt words are alright, disappear, dissolve, finally, running, always, and others.

<p class="MsoNormal">Then/Than: 

<p class="MsoNormal">You often confuse then and than. ‘Then’ is used to connect two statements that occur one after the other. For example,

<p class="MsoNormal">I walked to the store THEN bought some food THEN I went home and THEN I ate the food.

<p class="MsoNormal">But ‘than’ is a conjunction used to compare two things. For example,

<p class="MsoNormal">''He was much bigger THAN his brother. OR The house on the left was older THAN the house on the right.''

<p class="MsoNormal">Tense:

<p class="MsoNormal">This is very difficult to explain but in English there are three tenses. The present tense describes what is happening right now. The past tense describes what has happened in the past. And the future tense describes what is going to happen in the future. When you write you must be clear about when things are happening, and to do that you must use the right tense. You should write this story in the past tense because the story starts with a warning about not repeating the writer’s actions. So the events you describe have occurred in the past, and are not occurring in the present.

<p class="MsoNormal">I wake up. -> NOT correct.

<p class="MsoNormal">I woke up. -> Correct.

<p class="MsoNormal">Other comments:

<p class="MsoNormal">You should continue practicing your English. The worst mechanical errors can be fixed with time. You should use MS word if you’re serious about writing because there’s simply no other product that offers the same level of spellcheck and proof-reading. It will often flag up the worst common errors and it’s a great way to learn how to improve your understanding of English grammar. Other than that, you should also read as much as possible (NOT on the internet. You will only learn bad English if you copy the writing you see on the internet) and that will improve your English skill.

<p class="MsoNormal">If you’re interested in feedback on the plot then the simple gist of it is this – great first effort, but don’t commit to this story. The plot has a lot of weaknesses. So so so many weaknesses. Focus on improving your English and then start worrying about the plot.