Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28306703-20160427232128/@comment-24101790-20160428003104

Lines like: "I was thinking it was going to be just another normal day. But boy was I wrong. My day started out like any other, I woke up, fed my cat and dog, then brushed my teeth and took a shower. ... Sounds like a normal day for an average guy, in an average home right? Well to your surprise, it was. It was genuinely normal." Really don't work. Besides being overused in a lot of stories (typically OC killer stories and video game pastas), it's a pretty generic opening that doesn't really grab the reader's attention. Additionally you state how normal it is on four separate occasions in a single paragraph which becomes redundant very quickly.

I would also suggest breaking some of those paragraphs up. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences, any more and it can come off as blocky. Onto the larger issues in your story. There are a lot of issues here so this may not be a comprehensive list.

Capitalization: Words improperly capitalized. ""We need to leave, Now."', "The Wreck Gäap described was right there.", " I Pulled over seeing what happened but I didn't see any sign of anyone.", "The driver in the truck slammed on the brakes and got out, He started shouting profanities", ""We need to leave, Now." She sounded worried."", etc. You should only capitalize a word if it's a proper noun (persons, places, titles, etc. For example: "He shot claire (Claire) in the head first."). You also improperly capitalize words after dialogue. , ""Who is asking?" The (the) lady at the counter asked"

Punctuation: Commas missing where needed. "It read "You have opened the box.", "I asked her "Mom, what's wrong?"", etc. Apostrophes missing from possessive words: "You are playing The Devil(')s Maze." (five plus times), " sister(')s _____" (3+ times)", "you have to go your mothers house, "But I was still 5 mins away from my mothers' house.", etc. Punctuation missing from dialogue. "It is my time", "I promise. God, you worry too much. Goodbye Callum", ""Her brother(.)" She then nodded", "Callum, I don't need you threatening me. Leave. Now", etc.

Wording: Awkward wording. "He snapped and pointed a finger-gun at himself and stepped back and then BAM", "I took the box into my house, noticing that considering the size of the box (also redundant), it was incredibly light.", "We were driving back to my house which took a long while and when we were almost home, I swear.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself to catch the other errors.

Story issues: "This surprised me considering no one lived around me for about 20-30 miles." Seems very off. Sure they live out in the middle of a cabin, but you later mention going to work, a hospital, etc. all fairly quickly. 30-40 miles seems excessive and pretty unrealistic that no one would be within that radius. "I figured it was just some troll trying to freak me out." What troll exactly drives thirty-forty miles out to leave a game/set of instructions? This feels like the 'I thought it was a glitch so I continued playing' cliche too common in video game stories.

Story issues cont.: "Well it is a game created by the lord Satan himself. Haha. Satan didn't actually create the game, but it is a pretty dark game." Lines like this really fall flat, I'm not sure what the goal is there. (Later: "I'm one of Satan(')s lieutenants.") "Anyway, got to go.' The person who left the package already left so that just seems a bit off. A large portion of the story is rushed and it feels like you left a lot out here. What exactly is his relationship to his family? Why does he live in the middle of nowhere to the point that people close to the family wouldn't recognize him? Not answering these questions really weaken the overall story.

More story issues: The dialogue needs a lot of work. ""Callum, what the hell are you doing?" / "Laying here because you are dead"" This really feels awkward considering the fact he can see his brother and really hasn't had any reason to doubt his vision. Lines like this just come off as artificial: ""Callum, I don't need you threatening me. Leave. Now" / "Ok, Claire but trust me you will try to stay away from anything that may seem dangerous?" / "I promise. God, you worry too much. Goodbye Callum"" The sister went from feeling threatened to saying Callum worries too much about her. Conversations/sudden changes of mind like that really don't work.

Story issues final: "Remember, that everytime an anonymous (sic) package shows up at your door, don't open it, unless you want to play The Devils Game" This is a pretty weak ending to the story. Finally why are they even playing the game/trying to prevent the protagonist from playing? "It was Gäap. (How does he recognize who Gaap is?) I swear to god, it was him. It was like he didn't want me to complete the game. (Why?)" This really feels like you're glossing over key points and trying to rush through the plot towards the end. There's also a real lack of description and build-up here.

There are a lot of other story issues (as well as other mechanical errors), but these are the more pressing problems currently. This is going to need a lot of work. As it currently stands, it's well below quality standards and would likely be deleted if it was uploaded. I strongly suggest completely re-working this story if you intend to salvage it. After that, I would get other people to give it more feedback once you've corrected the capitalization, punctuation, wording, and numerous story issues.