Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26153435-20150303085631/@comment-25477067-20150303173015

This is doable,  but the grammar must be cleaned up and the style of writing should be changed. This conversational type of writing doesn't work unless pulled off just right, and the bad punctuation only accentuates the problem. The plot...works...I guess. I find it boring and expositional. If it works for you, just expand it. You mince over little things and we don't want that. We don't need to hear that they didn't say thank you, or how they drank their tea. We want to know what happens afterwards! Hope this helps