Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150513020103/@comment-26007602-20150521031729

I'll review the second section in the same style as the first. I know you suggested I just review plot, but there are many grammar issues that could warrant the piece's deletion, so I'll try and point those out where I can.

"On April 27th it was a very dull and sodden day the tides on Alki beach gushed forth on the sands and (there was) not one avian in sight."

"On this day, Olemilia had driven herself and Alexander to the beach. He believed this trip would help him forget the experience he had a couple days ago, or he hoped it would." The problem with the start of this paragraph is that it implies the third person narrator will focus on Olemilia, while it instead focuses on Alexander. You should change it to something like, "On this day, Alexander and Olemilia had driven..."

"However, two (things) still troubled Alexander, the first being the footprints found in his house resembled the ones behind Padma’s, which were shown from the earlier newscast. The second was, if something did attack Cem, why did it ignore Alexander an easier, less threatening target(?)"

"Upon approaching the construct, Alexander's thoughts were soon (distracted) when he saw Mrs. Viser conversing with someone... Arnold could make out two people coming up to the entrance and went to meet them. "Hey Alex, y-y-you made it," (Arnold? said,) slapping Alexander on the back in jest." I don't remember Arnold having a stutter. Isn't that Alexander's deal? You should also separate Arnold's dialogue from the rest of the paragraph, as you can't have Alexander mutter something and immediately switch to Arnold; it confuses the reader as to who is speaking.

"Arnold stood there with that idiotic smirk Alexander despised. " The words, "idiotic smirk" don't really seem like they need to be italicized.

"I can explain this Alex, Arnold has been staying with me," she claimed. "The reason he's here is because I allowed him to be part of our project. He just needed time away from his father for a few nights." You can delete, "she claimed", as we already know Olimia is speaking, so there's no need to identify her twice unless her tone changes or she performs some action.

"Alexander chose not to make a scene in front of Igia and would tolerate Arnold (the) best he could for now."

Arnold put his right arm around Alexander's shoulders, "Just peachy between us, right Alex(?)"

Just a thought as I'm reading this: you should really describe the interior of the lighthouse. I don't really have a picture of it in my mind, and I think this would be a good place for you to elaborate on the setting a bit, especially since this place seems important.

"Near the table, he found a small, framed picture. Picking it up, he recognized the red haired boy this is Eathan close to his older brother as kids."

I mentioned this in the my previous review, but I'll remind you here. You need to vary your sentences a bit, so not so many read like, "Noticing how late it was getting..." and "Moving her right hand over her heart..."

I think you need a better transition to Arnold skulking around the lighthouse. An ellipses (...) to signify time has passed would be useful. Also, as Arnold is skulking about, he really shouldn't be saying everything out loud. Change his spoken lines to thoughts in his head, as that makes more sense if you're breaking into some place.

"The phone's light flicking, Arnold hit the phone to fix it, but it (shut) off."

"A head stared down as its clasping, cyanosis hands reached for him. Arnold's distressed scream echoed throughout the cellar and then feebly fell into silence." What the hell does cyanosis mean? I think that word could be changed for a less confusing description. As for the monster, I think you go into just a bit more detail. With all the build up prior to the creature's introduction, a two sentence description falls a bit flat.

So plot-wise, I can tell a lot of this section is set up for the next. That's fine, but the story still comes off as a bit slow. Sure, Arnold died, but it was fairly obvious he was going to. He's the third wheel in the group, and the least likable. So his death is predictable. I see you tried to make him sort of relatable, but I don't think it quite worked. He doesn't have much characterization up until his death. That's not such a major issue, as this is isn't the climatic scene of the story, I just wanted to let you know his death seemed a bit "eh" to me.

That's all I really have for that section. Nothing too out of the ordinary (as far as horror stories go) really seemed to happen.

On to part three.

"On May 2nd, the disappearances (had) since ceased..."

"One girl mentioned(delete comma) that a week ago she had..."

"The clerk explained how his bike (was) ready, but not here."

"Alexander looks, blinkingly at the clerk by how helpful he was being. "Uh, thanks..." I'm not sure how this sentence is supposed to be structured. It should be, "Alexander looked blinkingly at the clerk by how helpful he was being."  "Blinkingly" doesn't seem like the right word to use.  Replace it with "unbelievingly" or something of the like.

"Possibly Alexander should not have studied so much. Honors modern world studies, AP macroeconomics and AP European history are enough to work any brain, and adding in his stress over the project, a person could hardly expect a stable mentality. So maybe he believed, he erased the pictures himself when pulling all-nighters." This seems like a rather weak excuse to have Alexander disregard the mass deletion. Why not have him admit to the strangeness of the event and remain wary instead? Additionally, all the class names should be capitalized.

By this point in time, Alexander seems to ignore far too much. He just received a strange message, lost much of his phone's data, and saw a face in the window. I don't think he should just ignore all of this. At least have him question his sanity or something.

"He stepped out and walked into the hallway, to uncover the reason why his door moved." The second part of this sentence is redundant. We know why he moved into the hallway.

“J-Just some blimey leak,” At this point, I realize a lot of Alexander's dialogues seem to tinted with a British accent. Is that intentional? Aren't they in Seattle? Just kind of seems off to me.

"Alexander suspected it could be the killer, who killed Eathan and asked, “What did he look like,” trying to get a description." Few things. First, this could be shortened to, "Alexander suspected it could be Eathan's killer..." Second, you need a question mark where Alexander asks a question. Third, how the hell did Alexander reach that conclusion? He sees a face, kind of brushes it off, but then decides it must be Eathan's killer? What evidence points to this? Because I don't see it. This seems far too sudden.

Plot wise, not much seems to happen here either. At this point in the story, I think the tension you're including is too drawn out; we should see more of the monster now, not build up to it. There's definitely some backstory to the book, and that's interesting, but there's not much going on before that. There's too much rising action right now; does that make sense? By this point, I expected to see the climax, not more mystery around the monster. I skimmed over the first part to see you revised it a bit more, which is good. I think you should revise these sections a bit more as well, because they're not particularly intriguing enough currently to keep most readers invested. The story's simply too slow.

How come they don't question Arnold's disappearance? He's been missing a week, you'd think Olemilia would notice if he was supposed to be staying with her.

That's all I've got for that section as well. I'll get to the final section a bit later, as I've spent a good deal of time on this already. Hope what's here is useful.