Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25980873-20160718233750/@comment-28266772-20160719140813

My notes are in bold/italic, and there are further notes towards the end. I tend to focus on areas you can improve so let's just get this out of the way - I liked your story and you're clearly a good writer, so the fact that most of my notes are negative should not be taken as a sign that I disliked your story.

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Carson Dreyer woke up at 6:30 am to the sound of his clock radio. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, yawning. After stretching, he reached over and deactivated the alarm clock, which was blaring some strange sort of heavy metal noise from its little speaker. He then stood up carefully, so as not to disturb his wife, Vanessa. He slid silently into his slippers and headed downstairs to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Carson greeted the couple’s Siberian husky quietly but enthusiastically. “Hey Rex, ready to go out?” he asked the dog, who wagged his tail rapidly in response. He opened the door and Rex exited the house, lifting his leg against a crabapple tree. Carson shut the door and proceeded to the fridge, where he took out some bread, eggs, and sausage. He had just put the French toast in the skillet when Vanessa entered the kitchen.

She walked up behind her husband, and wrapped her soft arms around his waist. She kissed his ear gently, and whispered, “Good morning, handsome.” [<- New speaker new line] Carson smiled.

“I’m fixing us some French toast and sausage,” he said. “Rex is already out doing his business.”

“Ooh, French toast, yummy,” Vanessa giggled. She kissed her husband again, and sat down at the table. Once the food was prepared, Carson slid two fat pieces of toast and four sausage links onto his wife’s plate. After preparing himself a plate, he joined her at the table. The couple sat silently, the only sound being the tinkling of silverware on china.

Carson and Vanessa had been married for a little over a year. They met at work three years previously. They were working at Farris and Sons Inc., a graphic design firm. The two started out as close friends, but over time, Vanessa started to develop a strong sexual attraction to Carson. She realized that Carson was more compatible with her romance-wise then [<- than] any other man she had been with before. She was [this doesn’t properly convey the passage of time, I think it should be “She had been reluctant…”] reluctant to reveal this, however; Vanessa feared her feelings would be unrequited. But much to her delight, Carson had leaned in and kissed her out of the blue when they were out walking one day. The young man seemed embarrassed and quite shocked by his own behavior.

“I…uh… don’t know where that came…I mean, um…” he had stuttered.

“Why did you stop?” she had chided playfully. She was giddy and lightheaded. In that moment, all of her dreams came true. She grabbed Carson’s face and kissed him full on the lips. The rest was history: [<- think this should just be a semicolon] they dated, he proposed, she said “yes”, and two years later here they were, eating breakfast happily together in their dream home.

When they finished their meal, Carson showered, got dressed, kissed Vanessa goodbye, and headed off to work. He remained at Farris and Sons, where he was now a project manager. Vanessa had left the job to open a small bakery.

Carson exited the house and drove down the lane past Seraphim Lake. Carson and Vanessa had bought a home there six months after they married. Seraphim Lake Road was a peaceful place, with only a few homes. The road was surrounded by luscious woods. The trees were green and leafy; it was late July [I think you should swap the order of these two clauses so it’s “It was late July and the trees were green and leafy” – it just makes more sense]. Carson took a moment to enjoy the summer foliage as he rounded the lake. They were truly blessed to be living in such a place.

The day progressed in the usual manner; Carson grabbed a quick coffee at the Tim Horton’s across the street then sat at his desk to work on his advertising project. He stopped briefly at one o’clock for lunch, then continued until six o’clock, at which time he decided to go home to Vanessa.

Vanessa was already in the kitchen preparing supper when Carson arrived. “Hey, hun,” she said [<- you should be consistent with starting a new line for a new speaker] when he walked in. He walked over to the counter and kissed her on the cheek, and tousled her light brown ringlets.

“How was your day?” he asked.

“Good. We just got an order for a wedding cake. Our first ever!” she said.

“Oh nice. It’s good to see your talents being appreciated on a grander scale. A wedding is a big deal.”

“How’s the ad project coming?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Good. I got a good team on this one.”

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa began chopping onions. Carson grabbed a beer from the fridge and went to the living room and turned on the seven o’clock news. Rex came over to him, and he scratched his ears. A half hour later, Carson and Vanessa sat down to beef stew and biscuits. Dinner together was their favorite time of the day. When they finished, they did the dishes, watched some television then went to bed.

<p class="MsoNormal">In bed, the couple lay in each other’s arms. They just lay there, enjoying each other’s company. “ I’m [<- space after the quote marks] bushed,” Vanessa murmured. Carson smiled.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Me too,” he sighed, kissing Vanessa on the forehead. “We have a bright future ahead of us. You know, I’ve been thinking, this house is pretty large, and we have some unused bedrooms. I was thinking of filling them with, I don’t know, two, maybe three kids?”

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa looked up at him. “Three?” she said, eyebrows raised.

<p class="MsoNormal">“What? Ok, fine, four.” Carson asked, rolling his eyes and fighting to keep his face straight.

<p class="MsoNormal">“You’re an idiot,” she said, putting her face back in his chest.

<p class="MsoNormal">“But seriously, though, the sky’s the limit with us,” said Carson. “And nothing, nothing, will ever tear us apart.” Vanessa reached up and kissed Carson on the lips. They fell asleep soon after. '[So far I’m enjoying your prose but I’d like to draw a line at this point and highlight that what you’ve told me up to this juncture is that this couple are in love, are healthy and functional (on the surface as far as I know), and have a solid future ahead of them. At times it ventures into being flat out cheesy – but more importantly I want to ask the question, couldn’t you have fit all that information into much less space? I’ll be revisiting this point at the end to consider whether what you’ve established so far needs to be delved into in such lengthy detail.]'

<p class="MsoNormal">A few nights later, Carson and Vanessa attended a party at their neighbor’s house. Terry and Paula Constantine were good friends of theirs. They would throw summer parties for the whole community about once a year. The Constantines were financially well-off, therefore they could afford things like fancy booze, foreign cheeses, and some years Terry even pulled some strings to have a professional pyrotechnician put on a fireworks display. But the Dreyers could not help but notice that this year, things were different. Rumors had been circulating for a year that Terry and Paula were beginning to have problems in their marriage.

<p class="MsoNormal">As Vanessa heard it, Terry was having an affair with his secretary (he was the CEO of a local company called Vedderstix, which made sucker sticks). While he vehemently denied this, Paula insisted that this was true, and the two had been heard arguing in their backyard several times over the course of the spring. Tonight, they greeted their guests with painted smiles and over an [<- I think 'over an' are in the wrong order] pronounced graciousness, as though they were trying to disguise their resentment at one another. They kept up this pretense for a good portion of the evening, but the Dreyers noticed the covert glances of disgust the Constantines shot each other when they thought no one was looking.

<p class="MsoNormal">As the night wore on, the couple’s façade began to wear down to where full-throated yells could be heard coming from the bedroom. Accusations of “deleted texts”, and “working unnecessary hours”, could be heard from Paula, while Terry protested that it was all in her head, and she was just being paranoid.

<p class="MsoNormal">Tiring of their hosts’ antics, the Dreyers decided to call it a night. Once the couple were home and in bed, Carson noticed Vanessa seemed forlorn. When he inquired of this, Vanessa revealed her worry that one day something like that could happen to them.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Listen,” Carson said sternly, taking his wife in his arms. “We’ve known those two for the three years we’ve known each other. They were the ones who suggested we move here. They were already starting to have trouble. I know it’s only been a year since these affair allegations surfaced, but I always suspected something was wrong on Terry’s end. I don’t believe they were truly happy.

<p class="MsoNormal">But we are. I love you, Vanessa. My heart belongs to you, and only you. We will have our ups and downs, but we must stay true to one another. My heart is yours only.” Vanessa seemed calmed by this. She snuggled closer to Carson.

<p class="MsoNormal">“You’re the only one who can have my heart,” she murmured. And with that, they drifted off into sleep.

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson awoke a few hours later with severe abdominal cramps. The Constantines had served Italian-themed foods at their party, something he enjoyed but not necessarily something that agreed with his intestinal tract. Groaning to himself, he threw the blankets off and tore down the stairs to the bathroom. He sat on the toilet for about twenty minutes, defecating profusely and cursing his own gluttony. Once it had subsided, Carson exited the bathroom, and went to the kitchen to grab some bottled water. “Damned ravioli,” he muttered.

<p class="MsoNormal">As he passed the picture window in the living window, a bright blue light appeared in his peripheral vision. Carson stopped in his tracks and backed up to the window.

<p class="MsoNormal">A large iridescent blue globe was hovering over the Constantine house. It hung before their bedroom window, suspended in midair. For one wild moment Carson thought it was some odd sort of outdoor solar light. But once his eyes adjusted to what he was looking at, he noticed the globe was easily the same size, maybe even bigger than the house in front of it. It appeared unsupported. Carson couldn’t see that it was connected to the house in any way. He stared at the ball, transfixed. The light was so bright, he couldn’t tell if the light was emanating from within the object, or if the light was the object.

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson made his way slowly to the front door, exited the house, and stood on his porch facing the glowing sphere. Something about it simultaneously fascinated and unnerved him. It had a soft, strange beauty to it, almost otherworldly. But at the same time, the object seemed to exude a dangerous vibe, as though its purpose there was nefarious. As he gazed at it, a bright white beam of light shot from it, followed by another, both shining through the window. The beams narrowed, and stayed that way for several seconds. It was strange to behold. Carson couldn’t say how he knew it, but this thing seemed to be considering something, as though it was capable of conscious thought. The beams suddenly retracted, disappearing into the globe. He could not discern the source of the light, or even how the object, being blue, could produce a light of a different color.

<p class="MsoNormal">He gazed mesmerized as the thing began to move toward the house next door to the Dreyers’. It floated swiftly, bobbing slightly as it moved. Try as he might, Carson could not detect the slightest sound from it. Had he or anyone else not woken up, it could have come and gone and not a soul in the community would be any the wiser.

<p class="MsoNormal">It came to rest before the bedroom window, and repeated the same process. As before, Carson had the impression that this machine or whatever it was could think for itself. There was a sentient intelligence radiating from the strange sphere, and once again, it seemed to be considering something. Then it retracted its light and silently glided toward the Dreyers’. Carson was snapped from his reverie as he realized the object’s ultimate destination: their bedroom. “Vanessa….” [<- who says this?]

<p class="MsoNormal">He dashed into the house, bolted up the stairs, and burst into the bedroom only to find the object had beaten him. Vanessa was awake, and in the soft blue light Carson could tell she was frightened. “Carson, what’s hap-“ she began, [<- punctuation] but fell silent as a white beam entered the room, enveloping her. A second beam struck Carson, freezing him where he stood. He couldn’t even move his eyes. Slowly, both beams narrowed, coming to rest over their hearts. It stayed there for many seconds, though it felt like an eternity in their paralyzed state. Suddenly, the object changed color. Instead of bright blue, the object had turned a flaming red. Through his fear and paralysis, Carson sensed that it was now happy '[Seriously? I mean… come on. How in hell could he possibly know that? This feels like a cheap way to let the audience know something without actually demonstrating it in a more fluid manner. I let the use of this particular narrative device go once, even twice, but to keep coming back to it feels a bit like cheating]'. The light seemed to burn with a hungry anticipation, as though it had finally found what it was looking for. At that time, he felt like the beam was examining him, as though it was performing some sort of inspection. But it wasn’t his body being scrutinized; he sensed that something not composed of flesh and blood interested this entity. It felt as though his very soul was being searched. Whatever it was seeing, it seemed immensely pleased with its findings. Then the white beams widened, and engulfed the couple once again. The object began to pulsate and spin, but the light beams remained in place. A loud scratching sounded from outside the bedroom door, followed by a frenzied barking; Rex had awoken and could sense his masters were in danger.

<p class="MsoNormal">Slowly, the couple was lifted and carried steadily toward the throbbing object, Rex barking all the while. As they neared the closed window, Carson mentally steeled himself. He knew he was going to be sliced up when he hit the window, and tried in vain to close his eyes. But strangely, miraculously, the couple passed through the window without any damage to themselves or it. Carson gazed at his captor, and in that moment he knew once and for all that this was no device; it was an intelligent entity. But something changed; the beams carrying them seemed to be dimming. Then the object abruptly changed color once again. Instead of reverting to its original dazzling blue, it darkened to a sickly purple, then faded to black. The lights disengaged, and the Dreyers, fell backwards through the window with a deafening crash. They landed on the floor in crumpled heaps. The object zoomed away from the house and was swallowed up by the night.

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson and Vanessa lay still for several minutes, breathing heavily. “Are you okay?” he croaked, looking toward Vanessa. She didn’t respond. He crawled over to her and turned her over.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Carson…” she whimpered. “What was… I mean… that thing….”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Shh, it’s gone,” he whispered. “I hope,” he muttered as an afterthought. “Let me look at ya.” He lifted himself off the floor, and limping slightly, walked over to the lamp and clicked it on. He returned to Vanessa and began to check her for injuries.

<p class="MsoNormal">After a thorough examination of her body, Carson found a few shallow cuts and a few bruises, but nothing that required immediate medical attention. An inspection of his own body yielded similar results. He stood up, pulled Vanessa to her feet, and scooped her into his arms and carried her to the bathroom. They passed Rex in the doorway; he was whimpering, his tail between his legs. Carson wanted to comfort him, however, making sure Vanessa was all right was his top priority. Once in the bathroom, he cleaned the few cuts they had then applied Neosporin and band-aids to them, all the while marveling at how fortunate they were with their injuries. He then took Vanessa to the kitchen, and fixed her a drink.

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson gingerly sat Vanessa at the table. He went to the living room and returned with an afghan and draped it around her shoulders. He had just sat down with a drink of his own when a sharp knock sounded at the front door. Carson stood up, grabbed a large kitchen knife, and edged toward the door. “Who is it?” he demanded loudly, trying to inject as much menace into his voice as possible. The hand holding the knife was trembling violently.

<p class="MsoNormal">“It’s me, Greg,” came a huffing voice from the other side. Carson breathed a sigh of relief. Greg Hoover was their next door neighbor. Carson set the knife down on the counter and rushed to let him in. He stood there, a shotgun in his hand, his face white and his breathing heavy.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Everything ok? I saw that thing near your house, then I thought I heard glass break. I’d have been over here sooner, but I wanted to make sure it was gone,” Greg panted.

<p class="MsoNormal">“It try to take us,” [<- tried] Carson replied. “But something happened and it let us go. We fell through the window onto the floor. We came away with a few minor cuts.” Greg’s eyes widened in shock. '[I haven’t gone through this in too much detail but just consider how redundant this exchange actually is. For the reader it gives us nothing new]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“Seriously? It tried to take you? Holy shit!” he exclaimed. He then went on to explain that nearly every house on the road had been “searched” by the object, and that everyone who had been awake or awoken by the object were calling each other, trying to figure out their next move. No one seemed to want to report it to the police, as the whole thing sounded too incredible.

<p class="MsoNormal">“The Constantines said they were both searched,” Greg said. “They’re both frightened out of their minds. The Foersters, who live on the end, don’t know if the object visited them or not, they were asleep when it was here. They just found out about it. But it never lingered long on the single people, it seemed more interested in the married couples….”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">The Dreyers were very disturbed by this. According to Greg, the beams of light pointed straight at the Constantines’ hearts, and they felt as though their souls were being searched. The Foersters hadn’t noticed the object, but it was most likely that they, too, were examined. Apparently it flew toward the woods after it’s apparent malfunction, but whether it landed there or departed altogether, no one knew. Once Greg had satisfied himself that his neighbors were safe, he bid them goodnight and told them he would keep them posted on any updates.

<p class="MsoNormal">The couple stayed up a while, Carson cradling his wife in his arms. It killed him to see his wife so scared like this, so uncertain. Vanessa, who was always so optimistic and resilient, curled up in his arms, afraid to move.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Listen,” he whispered in her ear. “That thing left. It’s not coming back. We are safe.” His wife remained silent, her face buried in his shoulder. “Really, it’s okay. We are safe now,” he crooned. Vanessa continued her reticence. Carson began to rub her back gently, something she greatly enjoyed, and then he ran his fingers through her soft brown hair. At long last, she spoke.

<p class="MsoNormal">“You won’t let anything happen to me, right?” she said.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Of course not,” he murmured. He hugged her closer to him, kissing her face repeatedly. Eventually, Vanessa seemed fine enough to finish her drink, and when she did, Carson carried her off to bed.

<p class="MsoNormal">The following morning dawned warm and sunny. Despite the events of the previous night, the Dreyers decided to return to their jobs, albeit both were very tardy. Carson was reluctant to let Vanessa return to the bakery, but she insisted that she was fine, and at any rate she seemed to be, so he let her go. They both had normal enough days, and Vanessa decided to return home early. They hadn’t cleaned the broken glass from the bedroom floor, and Carson was expected home with a new window that evening.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa swept the glass up, using a Shop-Vac to get the smaller shards. [<- just another example of superfluous info] Once she finished, she went downstairs. She was considerably calmer after a hard day’s work, and was at last confident that the strange object would not be paying Seraphim Lake a return visit. As evening approached, Vanessa decided to take Rex out for a walk. The husky had been frightened badly the night before, and she felt guilty that they hadn’t bothered to comfort him.

<p class="MsoNormal">They had just reached the end of the driveway when all of a sudden Rex began jumping and spinning on his leash, barking madly. He then attempted to scramble toward the woods across the road, nearly tugging the leash from Vanessa’s hands.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Rex, sit!” she yelled, but her command fell on deaf ears. “Rex, knock that off! What’s wrong with-argh!” Vanessa yelled as she crashed to the ground, Rex finally having succeeded in his attempts at flight. He bolted toward the woods, barking loudly without a backwards glance at this master.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Crazy dog,” Vanessa snarled under her breath, spitting out a clump of earth and taking off in pursuit of him.

<p class="MsoNormal">She plunged into the underbrush, listening carefully for Rex. It wasn’t hard to determine his direction, as he was still barking wildly. She ran through the trees, calling the dog’s name.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa continued on for several minutes, than [<- then] stopped abruptly as a terrible realization hit her; she hadn’t been paying attention to where she was going, and she was lost. Rex hadn’t run up onto the hiking path, so she had no idea how to get back. She thought that maybe she could turn around and go straight back in the direction she had come, but that was no good; the dog had taken her on several twists and turns. Vanessa pulled out her cellphone to either call for help or access Mapquest, but there was no service and her battery was at five percent. She was beginning to panic when a loud barking sounded to her left. But it was different this time; it was louder, rougher, and angrier. The sound chilled her to the bone. Dogs only barked like that if there was a stranger or predator around.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa tore after the sound, calling to the dog. Rex’s barks continued to reverberate throughout the trees when suddenly an ominous snapping noise reached her ears, followed by a sharp yelp. The barking ceased immediately.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Rex…” Vanessa murmured. “Rex!” She continued onward, half calling, half sobbing the dog’s name to the trees. “Hold on Rexy, mommy’s coming!” she cried.

<p class="MsoNormal">She ran on for about another minute then slowed when a large, furry heap came into view. She approached the mass cautiously.

<p class="MsoNormal">Rex was lying motionless between two sycamore trees. He wasn’t so much as twitching. Vanessa continued toward him, her heart in her throat. She reached him, and stood looking down at him. She gasped at what lay at her feet.

<p class="MsoNormal">Rex’s face appeared to be in the back of his head. His tongue was hanging out, and his sapphire eyes had no light in them any longer. His neck had been twisted and snapped. Vanessa sunk to her knees, sobbing unrestrainedly. She placed her head on his side, snuggling him. He was still warm. [<- this is an effective bit of description, and is a good example of where this story has strength]

<p class="MsoNormal">“No... no, no, no!” she wept. “My Rex… my baby… oh my poor Rexy!” She ran her fingers through his sleek fur, and kissed his ears, holding him to her as though the very power of her grief and love would be enough to bring him back.

<p class="MsoNormal">How could this have happened? Who could have done this? Why was this happening? First they almost were “abducted” from their own home, now this…. Had the object really left Seraphim Lake? Was this connected somehow? '[<- in the third person it’s not good to have these sorts of rhetorical questions. Instead try to work these same points in, but in a way that helps attribute them to… err… what’s her face… the character]'

<p class="MsoNormal">“I don’t know who you are, or what you are, but I swear you will pay for this, you cocksucker! You killed my dog you bastard piece of shit!” Vanessa screamed, spit flying from her mouth. It was not like her to use such profanity, further testimony to the grief and rage she felt. As she cried, she thought she heard a twig snap. Her hatred peaked.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Show yourself! Face me, you cold-blooded bastard! SHOW YOURSELF” she bellowed hysterically. The leaves on the tree to her left rustled as though in response. The branch over her head creaked, and she could see the end sag slightly. She froze. She sat still for several heartbeats then slowly lifted her eyes to the branch.

<p class="MsoNormal">'[I know it’s intentional but this sudden shift in narrative feels a little too on the nose. Even a simple “Meanwhile Carson pulled” or “later that day Carson pulled” but something to clarify the sequence of events]'

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson pulled into the driveway, killed the engine, and exited the car. Despite the trauma of the night before, he had had a productive day. He had reached the same conclusion that Vanessa had; the object wasn’t likely to return after its failure, as everyone knew about it and would be on alert. He was just removing the new window from the trunk when a distant but bone-chilling scream rose up from the trees across the road.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">He tore into the house, hoping Vanessa was there, calling out her name as he ran. There was no answer. He grabbed his phone and called her. “Come on, answer damn it,” he snarled as it continued to ring. “Shit!” he yelled as the outgoing voicemail activated. Carson grabbed a flashlight from the nail by the door, then tore off into the woods in search of his wife.

<p class="MsoNormal">Darkness was beginning to fall, and Carson turned on the flashlight, shining it frantically around the trail, all the while calling out to his wife. He was beginning to lose hope; at this point he figured it would be best to return home and alert authorities.

<p class="MsoNormal">He had just turned to head back the way he came, when he heard Vanessa’s voice. Carson turned and saw her running towards him, sobbing hysterically.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh my goodness, Vanessa, what happened? Are you all right?” he cried as she fell into his arms.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Carson, Rex, he’s… oh Carson, they got him!” she cried.

<p class="MsoNormal">“What are you talking about?” he demanded.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Rex, they killed him! They killed our sweet baby! Then I saw one of them in the trees! They… they tried to kill me, but I ran, but I was lost and-and-“ [<- punctuation, it seems when you put a quotation mark after a dash things get weird, but… bearing in mind that might be a product of MS word so forgive me if that’s not present in either the wikia or your own word processor] she broke down into fresh sobs as Carson pulled her closer to him.

<p class="MsoNormal">“It’s all right, you’re safe now, you hear me? You’re safe. Come on, let’s get you home,” he crooned.

<p class="MsoNormal">He half dragged, half carried his wife back to their house, trying to murmur words of comfort along the way. He carried her to the kitchen, and sat her down at the table. “We should call the police,” he said. “I don’t care how outrageous it sounds, we can use our neighbors as witnesses. We have to tell somebody about this.” Vanessa shook her head.

<p class="MsoNormal">“They’re most likely gone by now, I don’t think we need-“ she began, but Carson hushed her.

<p class="MsoNormal">“We thought that after last night didn’t we, and look what happened. We’re calling the police,” he stated firmly.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Okay, but lets [let’s as in ‘let us] wait until morning, so we can round up the neighbors and get our stories straight,” Vanessa said resignedly. [this feels ever so slightly weird, maybe it’d be better if it was ‘Vanessa said with resignation.’ – not a concrete suggestion though, just a feeling]

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson hesitated for a moment then nodded his agreement. “Tomorrow then,” he sighed. [New speaker new line]

<p class="MsoNormal">The couple decided to take a shower together. They stayed in there a long time, trying to wash off the woods and the feelings that came with it. Vanessa was calm, letting her husband wash her and nurture her.

<p class="MsoNormal">“I am never letting you out of my sight again, you know that?” Carson said once they had crawled into bed.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Good look [<- luck] with that,” Vanessa said, almost playfully. Carson smiled. She was going back to her old self. He snuggled her closer. This woman was his, and his forever. Nothing was going to come between them.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vanessa rolled up onto her husband’s chest, and began undoing the buttons on his pajama shirt. She began to softly kiss his chest.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Really? Tonight,” Carson asked, surprised.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Why not? It would go a long way to relieving stress,” she giggled.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well, I can’t argue with that,” he chuckled then turned off the lamp. They quickly undressed, Carson still marveling at his wife’s desire for sex at a time like this. But, as she said, why not? Carson closed his eyes as the couple began to copulate. There was no moment but now. All the problems of the past twenty-four hours seemed to fade away as they made love. A stress reliever indeed.

<p class="MsoNormal">But something felt wrong….

<p class="MsoNormal">Carson had his hands on her arms, when suddenly the skin under his palms felt rough and hard. Her vagina also felt course [<- coarse not course.]. Slowly, he opened his eyes to look at his wife.

<p class="MsoNormal">His wife was no longer there. In her place was a lean, muscular creature that resembled a woman, but this was no human. Her skin was a strange silver color. Long tentacle-like hair cascaded down her shoulders, and her face bore similarities to that of a human’s but there was something nightmarish about it. Her eyes were large and gold in color; hardly any white showed. The thin lipped mouth was curled into a toothy grin as the creature observed the man beneath her. Her breasts were small and perfectly round, and her arms rippled with muscle.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Who the fuck are you?!” Carson cried, trying to push the thing off of him. In a flash, the creature grabbed both is arms and broke them. He howled. The creature promptly snapped his jaw, reducing him to muffled cries.

<p class="MsoNormal">She held her hand over the man’s chest, curling her long finger directly over his heart. The fingernail began to slowly elongated into something that resembled a needle-like knife. Using the nail, she cut a deep vertical line into his chest then cut a horizontal line through the middle. Carson could barely make a sound, but his eyes were wide in fear and agony, tears streaming onto his pillow. The woman slowly peeled back the skin over his beating heart. She gazed at it, a hungry look in her eyes. Then she looked directly at Carson and smiled. She held his frightened gaze for several beats of the exposed heart, then without further ado, reached into his chest and seized it.

<p class="MsoNormal">A sickening snapping noise announced the detachment of the aorta, vena cavas, and pulmonary veins as the woman [<- try to be consistent with this] lifted it from his chest. She held it over Carson’s face, and the man stared in terror at the still beating heart for a few seconds, then he slumped back onto the pillow and was still, blood pooling around him.

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature quickly placed the dislodged organ into an organic sack at her hip. The sack was part of her anatomy, and its purpose was to keep the heart beating. [<-you’re telling, not showing, with this section]

<p class="MsoNormal">The woman exited the Dreyer house with the beating heart at her hip, which resembled some sort of pulsating hernia. She moved swiftly and silently, careful not to let the neighbors see her. Once she was certain she was out of viewing range, she plunged back into the woods at full tilt, following the scent of her mate. She had to get to the Vessel as soon as possible; the sack could not keep the heart pumping indefinitely. '[This section now feels distinctly rushed in contrast to the rest of your story. Lots of telling, not a lot of showing]'

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">As she ran, the creature reflected on the recent hardships she and her mate had faced. In order to be able to trek the universe, their Vessel required the living hearts of two humans deeply in love and committed to each other. No one knew why this was so; this operation was as old as her people, as old as time itself. Once every century, the hearts powering the Vessel had to be replaced, at which time the creature and her mate had to return to Earth to harvest two new hearts.

<p class="MsoNormal">Humans think with their brains; this she and others of her kind knew. But there was a magic to the hearts, and the Vessel was equipped to scrutinize a person’s soul just by examining the hearts. The whole thing was a mystery; no one knew how this was so. Nobody even knew where the Vessels came from. Once her people took a mate, the power of their love and devotion to one another created a sentient machine, a sphere of dazzling light. The couple would then leave their planet, and live together in the Vessel until the day their souls departed. The Vessel was capable of conscious thought, and it chose its own hearts. '[<- so why did she decide to fuck and torture one of the humans? You describe their behaviour as pragmatic, and ergo sympathetic, but she didn’t really need to splay the guy open like a fucking biology specimen just for fun if that was the case did she?]'

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<p class="MsoNormal">The creature remembered the hearts that were examine before the new ones were chosen. The first couple were in love, but the man’s heart was physically damaged; it would last them less than a century. The second couple’s hearts were healthy medically, but the man’s soul contained traces of infidelity, anger, and resentment toward his mate, and the woman likewise seemed to hate her man. That house was left alone. But the last couple… their hearts were so pure and untainted and their devotion to each other was so paramount that they could scarcely believe their luck. They had found pure hearts at last. But then, the ones they were already using gave out finally, and they were forced to abandon the house.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">The woman allowed the couple’s pet to see her, but she remained hidden from the woman '[<- this sentence here is exactly why you need to be consistent with what you call the alien. It’s simply becoming unclear which woman is which at this stage]'. The animal was curious, and gave chase. Once her mate dispatched the dog, he threw himself upon the woman and took her heart. Then the creature touched her, and assumed her form and mannerisms, and sought to ensnare the man. [I kinda guessed…]

<p class="MsoNormal">She was just coming into view of the Vessel, her mate standing next to it. The Vessel was colorless, taking on the appearance of the trees around it. Her mate was tall and muscular, with long silver hair and large red eyes. He smiled at her arrival. Then they embraced. “I have it, Precious One,” she whispered.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well done, Dear One,” he whispered back. Together, they entered the Vessel. The woman’s heart was sitting in a cavity near the back, clear tubes connecting it to the machine.

<p class="MsoNormal">The creature removed the man’s heart from her pouch and placed it in the cavity opposite the woman’s. As soon as it touched the cavity, clear snake-like tubes slithered out and connected to the heart. Immediately the outer shell of the Vessel glowed a brilliant blue. It slowly rose from the woods, gathering momentum as it climbed. The creature took her mate’s hand, and they both smiled, golden eyes gazing into red ones. The Vessel hovered in the sky for a few moments, rotating slowly. Then it shot into space, burning a blue streak in the sky for several seconds. And so the mates departed the Earth with their new hearts, to traverse the galaxy together once more.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Okay so basically this story’s greatest crime is that it is not economical with your reader’s time. You’re trying to relay some very simple information but you take ages to get to the good stuff and when you do get there you blast through it with very little attention to detail. The pacing is all off, and bits of this story are explained in inordinate detail for no real reason. The plot points are very simple,

<p class="MsoNormal">Husband and wife love each other.

<p class="MsoNormal">Other husband and wife don’t.

<p class="MsoNormal">UFO nearly abducts husband and wife.

<p class="MsoNormal">Dog disappears.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wife chases, finds dead dog.

<p class="MsoNormal">Husband comes home.

<p class="MsoNormal">Shags alien.

<p class="MsoNormal">Alien takes his heart.

<p class="MsoNormal">Heart powers spaceship.

<p class="MsoNormal">Notice how most of those points are crammed into the end of your story, but you dedicate nearly half of your word count to just the first two or three. You need to go at this story with a machete, word by word, and cut as much out as you can, then refill the parts that actually matter.

<p class="MsoNormal">So that’s my first issue.

<p class="MsoNormal">Second issue? That ending is really cheesy. First you actually acknowledge the obvious concerns of your readers regarding the whole “a heart is just a lump of muscle that is unrelated to things like feelings, or love” but you don’t do anything to resolve it. Saying “magic” is not a solution to that sort of plothole. Then you do the whole “these people are suuuuuuper in love and it’s real pure” which, as someone in a decade long relationship would like to illuminate, is just a complete and utter crock. It doesn’t reflect real life in a meaningful way and just comes off as a bit cheesy – like you’re just grabbing the reader and slamming their faces into a giant pie with the words “holy shit these people are in love so God damned hard!” over and over again.

<p class="MsoNormal">Third issue – the aliens hover between sympathetic and pragmatic, and something we should be scared of. They don’t feel appropriately ‘alien’ they just feel conflicted and their backstory feels like an artificial conceit to cover up the earlier mentioned plotholes. If something’s a monster make it a monster, if something is sympathetic make it sympathetic. But I find an inherent dissonance in the actions of these aliens (as highlighted earlier) – why kill these guys so damned brutally when they could just find another way to do it like surgery. They don’t seem deliberately cruel, so why are they acting like a bunch of dickwads? And the sex just feels like a reason to freak the readers out, but it's not obvious why it happens in-universe.

<p class="MsoNormal">Other than that this is an interesting story and you’re clearly a good writer, but I think a good trim and re-think of these aliens and their motivations would help this story become much better. I actually this story would be more effective if you just dropped the alien explanation entirely, had the aliens rape and murder the shit out of this poor couple and then kill them, with only brief descriptions to highlight the parallels between the alien couple and the human couples as a sort of "we're not so different" twilight zone style twist where the aliens go off and cuddle each other after their.... uh, I guess you'd call it a rape/murder-fest.

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