Talk:Pandora's Box/@comment-1671931-20141105203105

What can I say? You had the proper idea but isn't well-written, I'm sorry. I will number my criticisms so you can read them at ease.

1) The story feels incredibly rushed. You take enough time to introduce your characters but that's all. You don't take any effort to flesh it out. We are in our room. Next line: we clean and do homework. Next line: we go to fair... You get the idea. You have to take time to tell your story. Also nothing of backstory?

2) Problems with the plot: They get the box on a fair and a lady in the booth on the same fair, has never seen the box before on the fair. Sorry but that is quite unbelievable. Why didn't the spell work? Explain a bit.

3) Clichés: I'm not going to talk about the red eyes (if only it is a trope I actually enjoy) but the warning of a gipsy of great evil, ignoring the warning, the gipsy disappearing. That are some overdone cliches.

4) Be more creative: with a tale as this, you could have been more creative (The description of the brother and the mother are good starters nevertheless). Use more characters and play with the ancient evils. Let them become the embodiements of the evils I will give an example of how you could have incorporated them in the story. And for a good build-up, begin subtle and make the evils darker and darker.

-Pride: a classmate making fun of the main character, and takes pride in his/her own intellect. A gloater.

-Greed: a friend that doesn't want to help her without gaining something from it. (Rather picking up a coin, than trying to get her friend up as she falls), resulting in the end of their friendship)

-Lust: a boyfriend with an increased libido (ending up cheating on her)

-Envy: the Best friend hating her out of jealousy (ending their friendship)

-Gluttony: Diagnose the brother with Prader-Willie Syndrome or anorexia (Starvation)

-Anger/Rage: the Father who turns abusive towards his family (after the death of his son f.e)

-Fear: The mother, fearing her husbands behaviour.

-Misery and Despair: Unable to close the box in time, Pandora finds herself alone. The salesman who gave her the box is gone. She have lost her friends and boyfriend (as they are plagued by the evils), her brother died by overeating or starving himself. Her mother was killed by yet another rage-fulled outburst of her father who ends up in jail. All alone in the chaos she created, she has become the embodiment of misery and despair (could end with suicide but not necessary for the story)

This is how I would have written it.

I hope you understand my feedback and that it will inspire you to keep trying to improve your story telling. If you like telling stories, nothing will stop you from writing something beautifully disturbing.