Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26924905-20141207002126/@comment-24101790-20141212220726

Let's start with the smaller things first. I assume this is meant to be a journal entry-type of story. You need to add headers and sections to denote the passage of time. Second, I wouldn't open sentences up with conjunctions (but, and, because) as it isn't grammatically correct and can make a story appear choppy. I would also just remove this line: "Second, rjdsz sorry I just had a coughing fit and my hands went nutso." It makes little sense, why wouldn't he fix his error? Why would he waste time commenting on it? Additionally, I would remove the ellipses, especially when a comma or period serves the same purpose and is cleaner-looking. (Less melodramatic.)

Wording errors; "exetremely". Punctuation/spelling issues: "So tommorow(tomorrow,) I'm gonna go back there and try to find a way in.", "Last night I saw the thing again.(, but) But it was closer.", "So tommorow(spelling issue and comma needed) I'm gonna go back there and try to find a way in."

Plot issues: "The lady I saw at home, was his wife. He thinks I killed her. I didn't do it! I swear! He wants to run my legs over with the lawn mower." This seems pretty nonsensical. What was his wife doing at your house? When did his wife die and why would he blame the protagonist? Also, why is the protagonist returning to this lab if it scared him so much the first time?

The story lacks detail. You mention the thing in your room, but other than a wedding gown and roses, there is no real description. (Which brings up the question of why the protagonists keeps referring to her as a thing/it. What sets her apart from other women with roses to the protagonist? Also you should elaborate on the ending some more. Is the protagonist being tortured in his own room, if so why? This story needs a bit of work.