Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32129602-20170725210119/@comment-32461413-20170725224240

Just general information, if you want to publish a Creepypasta, you just click "add a page" then insert your story, and publish it. However, it is always a wise idea to first post your story to the writer's workshop (I do with my stories). It is a good thing that you did that with this story as it most certainly would've been deleted had it been posted directly to the wiki. It unfortunately is not up to the quality standards. Additionally, it is also a blacklisted subject. If you were to publish this story on this wiki, you would need to get the best version of it approved through the spinoff appeal. However, your best best would to (after much revision) post it to the The Spinpasta Wiki.The Spinpasta Wiki was made just for stories like this, so I highly recommend you to go there. They even have their own writer's workshop as well.

With that out of the way, I will get into what you can do to improve your story as well as my thoughts on it.

I think the way you made your introduction is in bad taste. It almost feels like an essay for school. I would think a little more creatively to build the story than simply start off with the protagonist literally introducing himself.

Your use of capslock, " UNTIL THIS HAPPENED," "'I'M COMING FOR YOU"' and "'DIE!"' feel a bit juvenile. I get it is supposed to be shouting however, it just simply doesn't have that effect that it should.

"'I WANT YOUR SSSSOOOOUUUULLLL'" is another issue I have. Not only with the capslock, but how you draw out the word "soul." It also feels rather juvenile and quite simply calls too much attention to itself. I would find ways to articulate that point differently.

Stories about video games are tricky. Especially as not everyone knows the game that your talking about. For instance, I myself have not played this game before therefore I have no clue what is going on. You should find a way to make some of these game points relevant to the reader. Most people probably have not played this game, therefore you lose those people. You need to find a way to make the story more understandable to the general audience (a title especially helps).

You mention some parts that don't add to the story at all. For example "though my two but now nine year-old brother" does not enhance the story in anyway; it is not important that his brother is now nine. Plus (albeit a nitpick) chances are, a two year old would not have the physical power to smash a game by stepping on it. Four or five would be more realistic. The same issue applies for " but I decided to focus my live (sic) on animating cartoons" (side note, as a college student studying animation, I love this little detail, however my point still stands) which doesn't progress the story at all.

You also mention some things that have no resolution. For instance, what exactly happened with the person who was arrested for "disturbing the peace?" There really is not an explanation for what happened at all. Who was arrested? Why? Why mention them if they are taken care of by the police right away?

There are also numerous grammatical errors. Spelling errors such as "someon," and "but I decided to focus my live (life) on animating cartoons." You also forget to capitalize "I" in places. Among other errors. You need to proofread your story and even run in through spellcheck and definitely check out Grammarly.

There are many cliches as well which is partially why video game stories are blacklisted. Guy buys game online for cheap, game is haunted/messed up, person quits gaming forever. There are millions of versions of this same story. It essentially is almost like mad libs; same story, just different games. Also, blood and gore everywhere is another cliche. It just has been done so much that it lost its impact. Keep in mind that cliches will ruin the experience of your story.

The ending is also weak. It again, feels like an essay.

You use some words repeatedly which become redundant. You use the word "beat" a lot.

So the person with the phone. Usually when something like a text that says "your end is certain" (which is another horrible cliche) is mentioned, it is usually a foreshadowing event. The guy just got arrested and nothing ever happened. Was it just some troll? Why would he send the message? Perhaps you want to add a mysterious element to the story and leave some things unexplained, which is alright. However, when going for mystery, you need to leave clues behind for readers to go off of and develop their own theories.

You open up multiple paragraphs with the words "I" and "so" to the point where it is distracting.

"Only a few glitches or bugs" is pretty redundant as they are virtually the same thing. It's like saying "it was cold and freezing."

"It went regular again" is an awkward wording moment (just like this sentence).

There also is not that much description. You need to really provide some details otherwise your story becomes bland. A bland story is hard to read. Even with such a short one as you have here, I found it a bit dragging to get to the end. Use some descriptive words and really make what's happening interesting.

You also need to build up the suspense; there is none. Everything just happens without much build up to the next event. Just one thing after another.

Overall, the story needs a bit of doctoring up. I would strongly suggest that if you do intend to keep with the story, to post it to the Spinpasta wiki as even after it meets the minimum quality standards, the blacklisted subject would hold it back. If you post it here, it would still be deleted as well as most likely denied from the Spinoff appeal section, so Spinpasta would be your best bet.