Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-44778745-20200102183947/@comment-28266772-20200103114454

[Head’s up: it’s Rubik’s Cube not Rubiks Cube]

As I open my eyes I [capitalisation] saw myself sitting in,[no comma] what appeared to be,[no comma] a small plastic and metal '[is this necessary? Do we really *need* to know the material or are you just trying to be specific for specific’s sake?] playground surrounded by brown mulch[comma]' the type common in most Midwestern American states. [This is nowhere near enough to set an initial scene, not to mention as a reference it’s totally lost on non-US readers like myself.]

I adjusted my glasses and looked around. On the ground, [there was] something colorful, a small bright cube,[full stop] It was a puzzle box. I nonchalantly [this doesn’t matter in this context?] walked over and picked it up. I've never been too excited over these things[comma, also, what things?] but something made me take an interest in this one.

I brought it over '[where? You introduce unnecessary ambiguities. Just say “I sat down with it on one of…”]' and sat down with it on one of the benches. By all means it looked average[comma] nothing interesting or different [interesting/different – pick one] about it [colon, semicolon, dash, whatever, this needs breaking up] bright colors printed on with stickers [awkward to read] and small plastic moving pieces '[you don’t actually need to explain what a Rubik’s cube is. Everyone already knows]'. And yet, something inside me compelled me to try and solve the small puzzle even though I've never been able to solve one of them before.

As I began to shift one of the sides I felt resistance not from the cube but from my own hand. Yet I was compelled [repetition, you used this phrasing earlier] to keep going as if being forced by something, and as I finally shifted decide in the place […what?] my finger bent back and snapped.

The pain was intense, yet I couldn't scream, nor could I stop [stop what?]. I shifted another side[comma] my hands now almost completely out of my control. As it fell into place another snap[comma] my bottom two fingers on my other hand crack backwards with a sickening pop.

My dominant hand grabbed the first two layers and shifted them to the left as [this makes it sound like you started moving the cube after your wrist started to break] I felt my entire wrist shift [you use over use shift] and then break on my left hand. I shifted [again] the left side of the cube and felt something pull on my shoulder until with another loud pop it came loose. The next thing I felt was my left leg being pulled to the side until it also popped out at my hip and thigh. I [capitalisation] could hear giggling and whispers as my hands continued with their work.

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Mechanical issues – You need to proof your own work, rigorously.

Anyway, you repeat a few critical errors so let’s single a few out:

Sentence structure: Independent clause – subject, verb, object. Mary (subject) pushed (verb) the door (object). Dependent clause – verb, object, no subject. Entering(verb) the room (Object). Independent clauses can be written as individual sentences, dependent clauses cannot.

Independent clause + independent clause – separate using a semicolon, colon, dash, or full stop (period) or conjunction. Example:

Mary pushed the door and she entered the room.

Independent clause + dependent clause – separate using comma. Example:

Mary pushed the door, entering the room.

So summary: sentences are made up of clauses. Two types of clauses. Independent clauses that are whole sentences. Dependent clauses that are not whole sentences. You stitch them together using commas, semicolons, colons, dashes, and conjunctions. Re-read your work and make sure your sentences are constructed properly. This is by far the most common problem in your work. Remember, keep it simple and you’ll have a much easier time keeping track of clauses, commas ,etc.

Stylistic issues: part of proofing your own work involves re-reading the words aloud to hear issues with flow and conciseness. Let’s look at:

I felt my entire wrist shift and then break on my left hand. I shifted the left side of the cube and felt something pull on my shoulder until with another loud pop it came loose.

Some simple cutting out and rearranging and this becomes:

“I felt my wrist break slowly. Rotating the left side of the cube, my shoulder came loose with a loud pop.”

Keep your wording as absolutely concise as you can. Every word you put down is precious, like gold dust. Every word ticks down another unit of time to the point where a reader says “fuck this” and clicks back on the page. It’s real estate, precious scarce and finite real estate. Do you want to use this real estate on words like “saw myself” or “what appeared to be” or eight iterations of “with” or “and then”’s?

This story needs actual descriptive writing. You need to use creative and original word choices to show us interesting and original images. I like it when you talk about colourful stickers and loud popping shoulders, but it’s way too scarce. Be vicious when cutting out words, go at it aggressively. If what you’re left with is too thin to make a story out of then you need to go back and make interesting images out of what you do have. You make some effort to build mood and atmosphere, but nowhere near enough. Take a closer look at descriptive language and start critically reading your favourite stories to learn vocabulary and technique from writers you admire.

What does the playground look like?

What images of a spooky playground come to mind for you? Empty swings moving without a breeze? Rusted metal slides? A single toddler’s shoe left alone under the climbing frame? When describing things focus on how they make the narrator feel emotionally, and what sounds, smells, sights, and physical sensations they cause. Is this a vivid scene that garishly overloads your senses like a clown at a birthday party? Or a morose, lonely scene that makes you sad in a nostalgic way like those photos of abandoned amusement parks? Can you smell the ocean nearby? Can cars be overheard in the distance? Or is the only sound total silence? Is the ground dry and arid or wet and soft? Do you get the lingering sense of tragedy? Or desolation? Or overt aggressive threat?

Get in there and think about what details you want to put down and think carefully about the words you can use to get it down there. Don’t be too specific (you’ll never control everything in your reader’s mind), instead be tactical. Like I said, focus on emotions and sensations. Just a handful of details will do the job.

Similarly, let’s think about those bones breaking. What does the skin look like when the bones break? How helpless does the narrator feel? Do they cry out? Do they sob? What direction do things pop out of? Do fingers snap only backwards, or perhaps to the side? Does bone end up jutting out of skin? How does the skin tear? Slowly, like a finger pushing through seran wrap? Or quickly, like paper being ripped in half?

Description is the first step to making this story serviceable.

Plot – this could make a neat micropasta, but there’s a fair amount of work to do. I actually really appreciate you keeping to such a simple premise. People incorrectly thing that simplicity is bad, when it’s not. Far better to do something like this where you can revisit and correct any mistakes than some 8000 word short story with 9 named characters. Brevity and simplicity are always admirable, and should only be ignored if the story *absolutely* cannot be told in any other way.