Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35522711-20180507234134/@comment-35522711-20180508165012

Kolpik wrote: I like this. I'm not the one to ask if this is a cliché or not. I suppose it's possible this idea has been used plenty of times before, but that shouldn't keep you from expressing yourself. Story ideas don't always pan out, but each one is a step towards improving your writing ability.

I do think you need to work on some of the sentence structuring, though. Example: It was here I discovered that the twisted things are born with Angels in their chests, and I also, in thought, figured that the Angels decay over time, the ones in the older demons too far gone to be noticed, their light destroyed over time. - That doesn't have to be all one sentence. I'd recommend writing it a few different ways to see what flows best.

You could also break those first two big paragraphs into 4 or 5 smaller ones. All in all, I think you've got a good story here. I've never played Bioshock, so I could be wrong, but I think you just did something so many people don't seem to get. You took inspiration for your story from something without making it resemble that thing.

Take a little more time to make it the best you think it can be. Good job, good luck, and good good. :) Thank you so much for your advice. I shall take full advantage of it to help iron it out. And yeah, I kinda agree, it only somewhat resembles what I was going for. This in mind, I might see about adding something that might clarify how this thing "sees", and make it more interesting. What do you think?