Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-30535075-20170904013731/@comment-24101790-20170904020232

Starting with the most important thing. Do not reupload your story. Doing so again will result in a temporary ban. There are a lot of mechanical errors ranging from capitalization, punctuation, grammar, spelling, and wording, as well as some pretty major story issues here.

Capitalization: "Now, i'll tell you what happened.", "Shit, EmpyrealInvective remember when I told you that I suffer from Anxiety?", "You'll need one ... "She's Out There Still"", etc.

Punctuation: "It wasn't the tittle "He's Out There Still"(comma missing) it was the trees outside.", "Walking out of the neighbors(apostrophe missing) yard a figure approached my house.", "The last thing I remmebered was the creature(apostrophe missing) s body falling next to me.", etc.

Spelling: "I had been (been) dianosticated (sic) with Thanotophobia.", " It wasn't the tittle (sic) "He's Out There Still" it was the trees outside.", "I looked out my window put she wasn't there.", "I waited terrorify in silence, the only noise coming from my quickly-beating heart pounding.", "I was ssuffocating, I couldn't breathed.", etc. Your story is riddled with spelling errors that make it seem like this was written all at once and you didn't revise the story any.

Wording: "I shocked my head sideways, it had to been the side effects of Vistaril", "Is (it) hard living your everyday live (life) thinking about it.", "Her little nose had snake-like shape, and her lips were missing.", "A chilled cold went down my spine, I stood in horror, my anxiety was getting worst and it's blood rain over me.", "One of the cops shot me on the leg, and I duzzoff.", etc. If English isn't your first language as there are quite a few of these errors, I would suggest getting someone to help you proofread.

Story issues: The opening is very cliche. "Get in your vehicle or use public transportation, I don't care, just get to the nearest town or city, and look for help, because I don’t know how much longer I can hold it here, until this thing comes around for you, {{USERNAME}. (forgot a bracket)" The 'I don't have much time, but I'm going to spend it writing out my story' really feels generic here. In Lovecraft this opening works as the protagonist really has no other option but to write down everything. Here, there really seems to be no reason. The protagonist escaped the entity and even managed to beat it. It doesn't make a lot of sense that they'd write this.

Story issues cont.: "I forgot to mention, I was living with my uncle, he was supposed to be on his room on bed. He was a very sick person, I was taking care of him." Mentioning this late really doesn't help the story much. Insert this fact earlier in the story as it feels abrupt here and shoe-horned in. Take this line for example: "Two cops stood before me, they had black eyes and there guns were out, pointing at me. I smiled. It was as if the body I had seen last night had never existed." Apparently a lot of time has passed in-between the murder and the cop's arrival, but there's nothing indicating that.

Story issues end: There are other issues here, but the largest one I can think of is, the story feels forced. Using the username template doesn't really work and the frequency of it comes off as gimmicky (we had about three dozen stories on this wiki that used this template and they all didn't utilize it effectively). We currently only have three or so of those stories left. The 'you're next' ending also made its way onto our cliche list due to its over-use and general ineffectiveness. ("Now tell me, EmpyrealInvective, is your nearest hospital, a mental hospital? You'll need one ... "She's Out There Still"(period missing)") I'm sorry, but this story needs a major overhaul here as it doesn't meet the bare minimum of our quality standards.