User blog:DoctorBleed/"Sonic.exe: Round" 2 Review

The original Sonic.exe was a really bad story that was not only full of cliches, but also created some cliches of its own. But, it was fairly simple and effective. Some guy plays a hacked version of Sonic that a friend gave him, it turns out to be haunted and evil. This formula was so simple and effective that about a hundred people copied it down to the letter afterward. It got so bad, the Creepypasta Wiki had to ban video game stories altogether.

But while the first story had its problems, the sequel "Sonic.Exe: Round 2" is a serious contender the worst Creepypasta ever written. It's so bad that the original story looks golden in comparison.

Written by the original author, JCTheHyena, this story is set before, during and after the events of the first. The narrative follows the investigation of a series of gruesome murders believed to be connected with a mysterious "Sonic.exe" game. The main character is Derrick Green, a detective who works with his sister. If that seems a little contrived to you, I recommend you keep some headache medication on standby for the rest of the story. Eventually, Derrick's sister dies after playing the forbidden game, and Derrick discovers the game is linked to a strange cult that worships a figure known simply as "X."

The idea of an actual police investigation involving a Creepypasta anomaly is nonetheless interesting, and adding to the mythos of the original story by adding a dark cult and some kind of bizarre entity is also an engaging concept, even if it's a bit hokey. It's clear this story is much more high concept than the original. So, why is it worse?

Ironically, although "exe" stands for "executable" the execution of this story is, to put it bluntly, god-awful. This story has many serious, fatal problems that make it fail harder than Helen Thomas in a beauty pageant. The first problem I want to talk about is the grammar/spelling.

The vocabulary and sentence structure is incredibly juvenile. It isn't just the numerous spelling and grammar errors that make it bad, the prose is blunt, simplistic and just plain dumb. Every character speaks like a child, events are described in a very basic way, and JC seems to struggle to make any character sound like a believable. Everyone talks like a twelve-year-old kid playing pretend.

I don't think I can find the proper combination of words to describe how repugnant the dialogue is. You have to read it for yourself. Here are a few of my "favorite" gems:

- "The first murders looked as though the killer did a sloppy job at it, but overtime the killings--or at least some of the guys back at the station THINKS it's just killings--have gotten more elaborate;" - "all the victims appear to be in perfect health, apart from the fact that they’re “dead”." - "(Quietly) Happy? (More loudly) YOU THINK STEALING SOULS AND TURNING THEM INTO PUPPETS IS BEING HAPPY?! OUR PLANET IS NOT HIS TOYBOX, YOU BITCH!!!" - "There’s nothing I can do about this…. I’m a useless cop after all."

The author is clearly struggling to string coherent sentences together and failing miserably. You can tell JC isn't very well-read, because this doesn't even read like a story. It reads like some kind of bizarre RP blogpost where every character is just JC in a different costume.

Speaking of characters, there are only three. The first one we meet is Derrick's boss - who isn't the chief of police, and it's never made clear if he has more or less authority than the chief. He has no reason to even exist except to serve as a clumsy framing device for the story because the MC is dead.

Derrick's sister is such a non-entity that I had to reread the story just to remember her name. She exists only to die and create pathos for Derrick. Dead family members, of course, are a cherished staple for hack writers who want to manipulate readers without actually having to write anything genuinely emotional.

Derrick himself is supposed to be a crack detective ala Matlock but comes off as such a Bumbling idiot that he could be outwitted by Lt. Frank Drebin. Throughout the entire story, Derrick gawks at the obvious, makes idiotic decisions, fails to grasp basic concepts, says incredibly stupid things with complete sincerity and is outsmarted and outmatched by villains who are less competent than kindergarteners.

The final problem I'm going to talk about (because to list every problem would require a reviewer as long as the story itself) is the length of the story. It is roughly twice as long as the original, and probably the longest one-shot Creepypasta I've ever read. Shakespeare himself once wrote, "Brevity is the soul of wit." A short bad story is annoying, but a long bad story is like slow torture.

Although JC tries his hardest to pack the story with as many grandiose plot elements and world building as he can, it fails to entertain or enthrall his readers in any way. The story is a complete failure. The story is so poorly written that I genuinely, sincerely believe that if JCTheHyena was not a young child when he wrote this, then he must be an adult with some pretty severe learning disabilities. Given the way he has behaved in the past when faced with criticism, I'm guessing that observation is pretty accurate.

"Sonic.Exe: Round 2" just barely scores a 1/10, and that's being nice.