Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-38803136-20190810041939/@comment-9041013-20190810110543

Over all it's good. It has an eighties horror film feel to it. I like that.

It sets up nicely and builds rather nicely, but the ending is kind of dry. Great monster by the way. However, the way you've written this; there is no reflection of terror in what the characters are witnessing. You should describe how the girls behave when they see Conroy being turned into a potato mash. I'd like to see what Sarah thinks and how her thought process works while she is witnessing her I assume brother in law being beaten to death by some of monstrosity.

I don't really see their fear, I am told they are scared, I want to see that, I want to relate to that and I can't.

The ending was really a thrill-killer, why does Abby go all Ellen Ripley in response to what she saw only to finally break down when they're out of danger? where does this personality trait stem from; it could be interesting to see an insight into their past. You've already mentioned how they went to that location as kids. Spice some more backstory on Abby and Conroy that could potentially explain her unusually calm reaction.

You had some weird placement with commas and the like, go over your punctuation once more.