Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25659560-20141111054507/@comment-5000412-20141112001736

There are numerous problems happening with this story, the most evident being that is very limited in its plot. The two paragraphs should really be broken down quite a bit, with some of the smaller, significant areas expanded.

There's also many run-on sentences throughout, which makes it a very awkward read for most of the way. I would recommend going through each of the sentences, reading them out loud, and fixing them in a way that would sound smoother.

Story wise, the narrator lacks any depth, so my care for his fate is very low. More puzzling is his motivation for traveling to Nevada. Not only is his information of the facility low, but he has no clue as to what significance it has to his grandfather. Did he even know his grandfather well? This vague, questionable plot, along with the other faults, continues to the end.

Those are a few of the matters I'd take a look at, for both this story and future works.

-E