Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20180206223252/@comment-25170312-20180207034201

First I'll tell you what I liked. I found the story of Max and Mary to be quite gripping. Sometimes it felt a little longwinded but it sort of worked with the time period and the classic style of romance they had. You successfully portrayed every emotion that you were trying to convey. I could identify and sympathize with Mary based soley on how she's written. There was plenty of suspense and I was totaly like, "Leave Mary alone!!"

Now for what I feel are issues. The beginning reads too much like wikipedia or something. I do like how it sets up the story, but there's something jarring about it even before you get to the main story which is written in the complete opposite style (which then makes it even more jarring). And then, after this emotional roller coaster you hit us with more of it. The explanation at the end kind of ruined the whole thing. It feels like the person that wrote it is making their own guesses as to how the story and the song are related. It doesn't feel genuine

I also didn't like the part where Max chews little pieces of skin off his lips and swallows them. It seems totally out of place for the point in the story that it happens and it's weirdly disgusting but not in a horror story kind of way, more like an "ew, look at that gross lady at the supermarket that we're currently shopping at" type of disgusting. It was also strange that the woman that was there during that scene wasn't referenced at all after the first mention. I was like, "Where'd that lady go? Did she just leave? Is she a ninja?"

And now for what I'm unsure about. Max's behavior was completely unexplained. It's one thing to be an alcoholic, but it seemed like there was something else going on that we never found out about it. I don't know how I feel about that. I almost wanted there to be some more conspicuous subtext that put the idea of an actual reaper in the back of my mind. But I don't know if that would ruin it or not. I do know that the explanation at the end is not good enough after what we go through with Mary and Max.

And then there's the missing words and typos but you'll find those. I hope this was helpful because I enjoyed reviewing this. Good work so far.