Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28060931-20160506143219/@comment-25569708-20160525080156

Alright Jake, I just got done reading your latest draft. I can tell you put a lot of effort in it and, you guessed it, I have some thoughts on it. First, errors:

"once called earth" should be "once called Earth"

"inhabitants consists of" should be "inhabitants consist of"

"forty-nine years old" should be "forty-nine-years-old"

"Then finally a idea struck me" should be "Then finally an idea struck me"

"I was only a intern" should be "I was only an intern"

"he was a childless widower so we did not disturb any one" should be "he was a childless widower so we did not disturb anyone"

"I felt horrible because of what I have done to humanity" should be "I felt horrible because of what I had done to humanity"

"The odd things was that" should be "The odd thing was that"

"a loud BANG" should be italicized as "a loud BANG"

"shady looking" should be "shady-looking"

"and I started walk towards it" should be "and I started walking towards it"

"I heard voicers behind the door" should be "I heard voices behind the door"

"I hope Kilian didn't scare you too much.” He said nodding towards the security guard that escorted me." should be "I hope Kilian didn't scare you too much,” he said, nodding towards the security guard that escorted me."

"“What is this place? Why...How?”" should be "“What is this place? Why... How?”"

"these fine organizations new about this" should be "these fine organizations knew about this"

"the softer of you won't have a breakdown" should be something like "the softer among you won't have a breakdown"

"but he cast he a suspicious, sideward glance" should be "but he cast a suspicious, sideward glance"

"Specs of dust" should be "Specks of dust"

"Any one who knew about the project" should be "Anyone who knew about the project"

"We forced every single pair in every single order, Example: man-male and child-female, old-female and teenage-female. We forced them to have sexual intercourse with each other. We did this to test ways the disease can be transmitted." should be something like "We forced every single pair in every single order, for example man-male, child-female, old-female and teenage-female, to have sexual intercourse with each other. We did this to test ways the disease could be transmitted."

"I quickly dived behind a sofa" should be "I quickly dove behind a sofa"

"pull the cloth of off #6" should be "pull the cloth off of #6"

"saved more lives than the ones that have been taken in war." should be "saved more lives than the ones that had been taken in war."

"sparse remainder of mankind" at the very end needs a period.

Okay, you know the drill. Time for random things:

"My mother was forty-nine years old and had terminal cancer; I changed out of my work clothes and rushed to her house: a big mansion perched on top of a steep hill." I know you said that you liked colons, but I think a semicolon and a colon in one sentence is a bit much.

"Furthermore, the disease has been reported to kill about twenty people so far". I should have noted this earlier, but the way that Dr. Madigan is talking to John here seems too formal for two guys having an intimate conversation.

"But nothing can prepare you for this. Nothing!" The exclamation point after "Nothing" is a bit too dramatic.

"The publicity was due to this being the first reveal that the disease could be lethal". But I thought that it was reported that twenty people died due to the disease before John's mom did? Was John's mom the first public case? Then how were the other other deaths "reported?"

"The fatality rate increased by about fifteen percent during the last couple of months of our huge efforts." Reading this just makes me want to know how many people actually died due to the disease. Perhaps you could add in some number?

"We gained our first big publicity". One cannot really "gain a publicity." You should probably re-word this.

"“The government has plans for a project of extravagant majesty of a incomprehensible magnitude,” began the president. “A project that will dominate any trifle research you imbeciles have tried on such idiotic defects of nature as rats." Is there any reason why the U.S. President is acting like such a pretentious asshole? I can understand if he has an attitude, but this just seems too sudden and flowery.

"and is a revolutionary idea; an idea that no other mind than my very own could construct: we will commence research on humans.”" Two colons again used in one sentence.

"I think this is what happened. In the information I leaked". Here's a place where a colon could be put to good use!

Alright, let's get to the meat now. I actually like your new plot turn you have added here, and it serves to make your story a bit more original. However, I have a few problems. You mention the "government" a lot. I am assuming it's the United States government, so you should probably note that. And if the entire world was infected by a huge, deadly disease, wouldn't all world governments work together to stop it? Just a thought.

John makes a big deal about the prospect of doing human experiments, the way he just accepts going along with it all is confusing. If he was so disgusted by the deal, then why did he immediately accept without a second thought? If you are going for John feeling like he is being forced to work for the project, then you should make note of that. Another thing that is primarily understated are the human experiments themselves. The entire story has essentially led up to them, and they are the tipping point for the story's climax. However, you just seem to speed by the experiments by saying "We did many terrible things. We made them have sex with each other and we did autopsies. We did many other bad things." It just feels like a cop-out. If you really want the reader to understand John's spoiling the project, then you should make the human experiment part more detailed and hard-hitting emotionally and/or more creepy. I feel this part of your story is very important.

Okay, once again, I hope this helps!