Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-43886227-20190921011217/@comment-35911608-20190925153810

As Empy stated above, this story is incredibly rushed. It also has the age old problem of Telling and not Showing, with the addition of jumping all over the place. "I saw scary man when I was a kid. Now I'm an adult and he's still watching me. He killed my son and wife, I have to get him. I got him, it was easy." There needs to be more build up, more suspense to create effective horror. Just bumping into this scary ghost man isn't enough.

I would also bring up the feeling that this is just a vehicle for an monster OC. At least it's better than yet another teenage killer OC, but the story suffers from focusing really hard on what the creature looks like and does and nothing else, as though you're looking for fan art. There's no events that make the monster scary - we don't even get to see it DO anything, we're just told it takes kids away when their parents aren't looking.

Slow down, take some time to flesh out your monster, and really show us what is going on in this world. And just adding the sentence "He ripped them to shreds and there was blood everywhere" is not enough. Go descriptive, add more details to make the monster more terrifying. Give us time with this story instead of blasting through all of the points as quickly as possible just to get to Monster Exposition Hour.