Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24059312-20140514015018/@comment-24821182-20140515041150

I think this is an improvement, and I only spotted a few things with it.

First of all, Mike never gave the operator his address, which is usually one of the first things an operator asks for. You could just make up a fake street in a fake town, and have that be Mike's address.

Secondly, the operator is quick to recognize the name Sammie Stevenson, and she doesn't seem open to the opportunity that there might be more than one person with that name.

Overall, I think your story is much better now. I suggest you start it with a preface like "On May 15 2014, a disturbing call was received at the Oklahoma call center, the true nature of which has yet to be revealed. Upon their arrival to the caller's house, the police discovered that the 17 years old Mike Ridgers had been found brutally murdered."

The date and city are just to specify time and place.

While reading the revised version, I noticed how fitting it was that Mike admitted his sins, as if trying to repent before it was too late. The operator wants to keep him on the line, and Mike needs that someone learns what he did, so it's all right to have him explain what he did to Sammie.