Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25947144-20150419093622/@comment-26007602-20150421030526

I don't have too much to say here.

First off, while at a glance, your grammar is mostly intact, there are quite a few smaller issues throughout the story.

"...I've been lost lately; lost in my own thoughts." A comma will suffice here instead of a semicolon.

"Especially you never answered..." Add "since" after especially.

"Enough with the monolog..." Monolog should be spelt as monologue. I think. Maybe it doesn't matter.

"You should of just saw the look on Gabriels face when we found out about this ultimate creations." Replace "saw" with "seen". I think "this" is supposed to be "his".

I'm on my phone now, so I'm not going to go over every single grammar error. I'd reread this and maybe say it out loud to find the other grammatical errors. Let's talk plot.

There really isn't a plot here. From what little I understand of biblical lore, this seems to be Satan sending god a message. But that can't be right, as the narrator refers to himself as one of his sons. Isn't Jesus the only real son god ever had? I get using son to refer to all humans (if that's what this is), but I think you could use another term instead. Unless I'm misinterpreting this (which is totally possible), in which case I'd appreciate if you could clear that up for me.

Personally, nothing in this story seems creepy to me at all. I don't get where the horror aspect comes in. Are we supposed to be afraid of the devils threat? Maybe you'd scare a few people who follow this stuff, but I don't see how this can be scary.

I'm not saying it's a poor story; I in fact enjoy the reversal of roles, but I don't think it's a true creepypasta. Maybe it'd go through, I'm not sure. I wish I could offer more, but I don't think the concept is a good horror aspect. I've seen non-horrorish stories go through before, so it's still worth a shot though. I'd definitely fix the grammar before Id submit this. Best of luck!