User blog:Dorkpool/Slender Man Movie

You know, I had this whole thing made up for a comeback. Well, ok, it wasn’t finished, but it was something. I was gonna do this whole parody of a part from the comic The Dark Knight Returns, and call the post “The Dork Knight Returns.” It was gonna be a whole thing, triumphantly announcing the return of the Creepypasta Wiki’s annoying Riff-making asshole. But nooooo, Sony has to go and fuck it up for me.

God, it feels like The Amazing Spider-Man all over again.

So, why am I bitching about Sony right now? Don’t worry, it’s not about the Emoji Movie; that’s gotten way too much hate and discussion to be any fun to insult for a long period of time. Nope, it’s because Sony’s doing a Slender Man movie. They’ve got a trailer and everything!

Of course, if you’re a Slender Man movie, having a trailer doesn’t mean you’ll come out. See Entity. Oh wait, you can’t; the movie was never released.

I should mention that this is a legitimate movie, not some straight to DVD thing like Always Watching or some Internet thing like Hylo. Hell, sometimes I’m not sure Hylo exists. Maybe I imagined it. Hey, wait, it does exist. There’s a trailer.

…wow, that movie looks like shit.

Anyway, this is getting off topic. Let’s talk about the trailer for the official, Sony approved, trailer!

It’s…it’s something, I guess. It’s confusing, makes no sense, and just has jump cuts to super spoopy shit. Also, for the most part, it’s hard to tell that it has anything to do with everyone’s favorite well dressed mannequin. Seriously, the only reason I know it’s a Slender Man movie is that it’s called Slender Man, and there’s a scene of a bunch of drawings of Slendy pinned to wall. Because of course there is. Why is that a thing again? I’m pretty sure other Slender Man based media have done this; hell, Entity did it, based on the trailer. But seriously, why? Why does every Slender Man victim have a crazy room in their house where they literally post their Slender Man fanart? Hell, if you’re going to post Slender Man, fanart, just post it on Deviantart. You’ll be in such good company as…

Ok, here I was going to do a joke saying, “Wow. That’s a lot of porn.” But then I legitimately checked out the Slender Man tag on Deviantart, and there wasn’t all that much porn. Shame on you, Deviantart! You’re known as the place with all the weird porn-like fetish fanart!

Anyway, back to the trailer. I think they did show a part with Slender Man, but it was split second scene, and he was mostly obscured in shadow. From what I saw, it’s a somewhat different take on Slender Man’s design. Rather than looking like a mannequin in the JC Penny’s suit section, it looks like he has these weird growths on his head, almost like he’s covered in vines. Sort of like the Silence in Doctor Who, who were inspired by Slender Man, actually. It’s not that bad of a look, though I’m pretty sure the short film “Proxy” did it first.

There do seem to be aspects of other Slender Man media and lore in the movie based on what I saw from the trailer. There are these weird scenes that can best be described as “random creepy black and white shit” that’s basically just a bigger budget version of the totheark videos. There’s also the aforementioned wall of Slender Man fanart, and a focus on murderous teenage girls. Because that last part is now part of Slender Man lore, thank you, Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser.

Actually, let me elaborate a bit on the last part: it seems that this movie might be taking a bit of inspiration from the Slender Man stabbing a few years back. I really hope they’re not, but Hollywood’s done skeevier.

I should note the trailer ends with the hashtag #CanYouSeeHim. Because that’s totally gonna trend, at least until Donald Trump posts something on Twitter on how his rocket is much bigger than Kim Jong Un’s or something.

Outside of hashtags, there’s also a website. I was curious, because, hey, why not, and checked it out. Besides, Slender Man was made on the Internet. I’m sure a Slender Man website should be awesome, right?

Meh. There’s just a blurb on Slendy, the cast of the movie, and a trailer, with some pic of Slendy in the background. Kind of sad, considering the movie comes out in May. Come on, guys, you’ve got four months! Get your shit together and viral market like hell!

Alright, let me wrap this up before I go on some rant about Slender Man, memes, Tide Pods, and the wae (because those aren’t going to date this at all). The trailer confuses me, and just seems like a bizarre mishmash of horror clichés. Of course, I’m still going to see the movie. At this point, it’s an obligation. While I hope that this is better than Always Watching, I won’t hold my breath.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to looking for Slender Man porn on Deviantart.

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OH, there it is. Ewwwww.