Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36957522-20180927160401/@comment-36393004-20180927165208

I revised the first half of the story to show you what the whole thing should look like and what you need to work on. I would have done the whole thing but it is long, too long if you ask me. I think there is a lot of clutter to this story that is just unnecessary.

Revised Part:

It was a lousy day for Autum River, she was alone in her room. She was scared and she could hear her parents yelling at each other from downstairs.

"I've told you to just get rid of the dam child if she has these many problems, Lyra!" she heard her fathers angry voice then she heard a faint jumbled response to her mother.

"I don’t care!" she heard her father yell and then she heard an impact of skin on skin.

She realized that her father Jacob river had hit her mother. Then, she heard angry footsteps pounding up the stairs to her room. Then, she said in a low scared whisper "no..please no....not again...not again..." she finished the sentence just before her father threw the door open walked in. Once he left he left, Autum fell into a dark, dreamless sleep.

When she woke up she started hurting immediately, she didn’t want anything bad to happen, so she just dealt with it and went on with her day. She ate her breakfast and walked to the bus stop. When she got on the bus she went to the very back seat her usual spot.

Today she wanted nothing more than to have a friend to talk to. The ride was very quiet. She knew people were staring at her and at her bruises. The days that it was quiet were always the days when she had fresh scars.

When she got to school she sat in the back of the class unnoticed. The teachers never called on her and she was alone. She didn't need to be bullied to feel lost, she was already gone. At the end of the day when the buses came, she was the first one on.

Soon after kids started pouring on trying to get the best seats. No one noticed her. A few people glanced her way but that was all. Just when she thought that everyone was on, some else showed up. Everyone was waving her over but she went straight to the back. A few girls let out small sounds of joy. but then something amazing happened she went to the very last seat and sat down beside Autum. (This sentence is confusing and I don't know what you mean.)

The girl had shoulder length auburn hair, big bright blue eyes, and she was wearing a short green dress that complimented her pale complexion perfectly. The girl had her hand extended to shake Autum's.

"Hi, my names Scarlett! what's yours?" she said with a cheery smile.

Autum mumbled her response and reluctantly shook Scarlett's hand, "Autum. My name is Autum."

On the bus ride scarlet did nothing but talk and ask questions but Autum didn't mind, she liked answering the questions as long as they weren't too personal. Everyone was just watching them. Autum looked happy until the question was asked, "So, Autum where did you get all those bruises and scars?"

At that question the whole bus went silent. "Doesn't matter, someone else will tell you soon enough," Autum replied quietly but her tone said she didn't want to discuss it.

Scarlet thought for a moment, then replied, "Autum I'm sorry for pushing on this but I want it to be you who tells me, not some random kid who might twist the story." She looked at Autum with pleading eyes.

"Fine, I'll tell you, but on the condition that if I do you won't push uncomfortable subjects on me, deal?" she asked with a tone that said she was serious.

"Ok Autum, I agree to your terms and will not force any uncomfortable topic on you...ever again," and after that promise, she was told everything.

She told her about how her mother thinks she is nothing but a problem and used to smack her over nothing. She told how everything was going wrong for her and how her father used her to get out his anger. After that, they became good friends and for once in her life, Autum seemed somewhat happy. On the inside though, she was only improving a little. It was barely enough to be called a change.

It has been a few years by now, and in that time, Autum had finished grade school and was now a freshman in high school. Her father was still the same as ever and got worse when her mother passed away. A few times Autum had tried to fight back but that had earned her a slice from a small pocket knife that her father always kept in his jeans.

Scarlett had remained her friend and was there for Autum when she needed to talk. They had grown somewhat distant but they made it work out. Autum was insecure about a lot of things but she had her friend to talk to and be there when she needed help.

A few weeks later she was with scarlet when something odd caught her eye. "Hey Scarlet, I'll be right back I need to check on something," she told Scarlet.

Scarlet replied in a worried and curious tone,  "Ok, then I'll meet you at the park."

After that, she started walking away and Autum ran to the spot to find a note that read, "You can’t hide from me." It scared her, yet she could not help but flip it over to see what might on the other side. The words, "To Autum River," had been written there. She almost dropped the note. It was addressed to her but why? How would whoever left it know that it would be her who found it?

She texted Scarlet saying she felt sick and went home. She also texted that her father was away for a week so she would be fine and she would like to be left alone. Scarlet replied but Autum was already running home.

When she got there she ran to her room thinking. She remembered something. It was a small thing her father used to say when he was angry and she had hidden from him. It was creepy that someone else would know. Maybe they were trying to make her uncomfortable or maybe they wanted to drive her insane. But why me? She thought it made no sense. Why would someone try to scare her? She pulled out her phone and texted scarlet.

Autum 7:15: hey scar I need to talk.

Scarlet 7:15: what about? and I told you not to call me Scar.

Autum 7:16: the reason i had to head home I'm not actually sick.

Scarlet 7:17: What!? you're not sick? Then spill it why'd ya ditch me?!

Autum 7:18: I saw something out of place and when I went to check it, there was a note saying, "You can't hide from me." That alone scared me but then I flipped the note over...

Scarlet 7:18: Well tell me what happened?

Autum 7:19: I flipped it over and it was...addressed to me. Someone had left it there for me to find.

Scarlet 7:19: Well then...does the phrase mean anything to you?

Autum 7:20: No it doesn't... but...

Scarlet 7:20: But...what?!

Autum 7:22: Well the phrase, it's something my father used to say. It was for a time I was hiding from him...I remember it all too clearly now...maybe they're using it for a scare tactic.

Scarlet 7:23: Well then... I don't know what you could do but just try to stay calm and we’ll tell someone about this...that's all I can tell you. now I need to go. Bye!