Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180615171904/@comment-9041013-20180622152845

Jdeschene wrote: This story is kind of all over the place, and it doesn't feel like there's anything that ties its disparate parts together clearly enough. It's an "and then" story, because the scenes don't really build on or grow organically from each other.

There's also the subject of grammar. Your verb tense is all over the place. As far as word choice, there's a lot of repetition that doesn't need to be there. The general rule I have is that every sentence in a paragraph should have a completely different point to convey. If two sentences are conveying the same point, one of them needs to go.

I really wanted to like this, but it needs some work. Icydice wrote: I do apologize Bloody, but I really didn't like this all too much.

I know people have mentioned this already, and I've noticed it in some of your other work, but you have a tendency to have quite a few grammar mistakes in your drafts, specifically in terms of comma usage.

The story felt quite weak to be honest. I have no clue what happened or why it happened. Here's what I got out of it. A guy can't sleep because he has dreams of the plague. He hallucinates people from that time period, and then finds out he has the plague himself? It just felt weird and random to me. Like Jd said, it's all over the place.

Sorry man, I hope this didn't seem too harsh. DrBobSmith wrote:

BloodySpghetti,

In the first draft, nothing is good. I put it down and then I have to go over it and over it to make it sound tolerable to me. Then I start analyzing the spelling and grammar and doing the merciless editing. The story usually shrinks by a quarter in the process. Then I post it on this forum. It will go through perhaps three drafts here, rewriting several sections and shrinking by another quarter.

That is what it takes to cook fine creepypasta. That's required for any sort of fiction.

I came here to learn. I don't have the answers. All I know is that I don't know.

DrBobSmith (talk) 07:02, June 19, 2018 (UTC) RedNovaTyrant wrote: Well, as you helped me with my first creepypasta, I will now (probably poorly) attempt to give some feedback on your latest creation.

I LOVE the Plague. I love the theme, the history of it, and especially Plague doctors (I went out as one for Halloween once, actually). Though the use is appreciated, the massive amount of description at the start and then almost nothing at all in comparison throughout the rest of the story didn't really work out for me. There was too much "bump in the night" without connecting back to what you started off with. If you sprinkled a little more parts about his dreams in here and there, I think it would feel more consistent. Also blurring the line between dream and reality more as the story goes on would help, especially near the climax.

The overall idea is fine, I like it and can relate heavily in a sense, but the choice of words was a little tired and plain. Even descriptions felt a little generic. There were some grammar errors as well but I generally overlook that in place of improving the story itself. I do think it was a good length but could be just a hint longer, giving you more time to flesh out the fear of the situation.

I hope this helps, I'd like to see what this can become with some more work :) Well thanks for giving me some food for thought you guys, I've wrote a more thoughout piece that is based off the same core idea, it's called "Nameless Creepypasta (It's like Alone In My Room 2.0) - Please Review" give it a look if you will :P