Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26027963-20150509234956/@comment-26027963-20150510004550

Banningk1979 wrote: Okay, I think this revised version should be fine as far as comparisons to The Thump. Now let's take a look at it.

The first line has a grammatical error.

"looking around to assure that your safe" should read,

"looking around to assure that you're safe"

As far as the actual plot, I like the concept very much. Telling the story from the creature's point of view is unique and isn't something that I see a lot of in shorter stories around here, so that's a big plus.

You say that he came out from under the floor. How so? Was there a trap door, did he phase through it? I think that needs to be a bit more simplified, perhaps to say that he came out of the darkness, or came out from hiding would help that flow a bit better.

I don't like the last line, "And I killed you." It seems a little rushed and doesn't really pack the same sort of tingling twist that the ceiling concept had. I would consider something a bit less direct than simply stating that the creature killed him. Continue to play on the stalking and hunting idea, that's my advice.

Otherwise, I think you've got a great micropasta, best of luck! Fixed everything, and I think it's ready to post!