Talk:Infanticide/@comment-26835140-20161029162340

First thing's first. Go in edit mode, and carefully read your story and fix grammatical errors. Nothing crazy, just a couple misplaced n's and a few misspellings. And second, why the fuck does this take place in an amusement park? Pardon my French, but we don't even learn who May is or who the narrator is! It gives a new perspective on the story-telling of Dr. Coil sure, but otherwise any of the plot besides Dr. Coil's story has no correlation at all. Go do some revisions, and either give a new setting, explain the setting more (A LOT), or come up with a different perspective to tell Dr. Coil's story ie: first person maybe.(and if you do tell Dr. Coil's story again, do make sure to not go so much into detail as a lot of the information was quite impertinent.) Otherwise, this story is hard to keep up with and it's hard to figure out why the characters (or the readers for that matter) should care about this Dr. Coil. I'm sorry but this is the way things are. I rate an overall 3/10 (sorry). 2/10 for creepiness (Fuck animatronics.), 8/10 for English (Just a few grammatical errors, but the flow of dialogue was great and you used good imagery.), and a 3/10 for characters (You built a good relationship between your two i'm assuming brother and sister? Showing that they have good chemistry whilst talking to each other, but they had no background, no relevance, and made no connections with the reader. For example: If one of them died of a heart attack RIGHT THERE the reader wouldn't have cared much at all.)