Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26067056-20170624202654/@comment-32461413-20170702222535

In regards of grammar, Empyreallnective covers my concerns pretty well.

I have to agree that the story could be more effective. Some of the diction choices are rather weak and are obvious therefore the sentences lack impact. "She said "You're (sic) doom is near" is a prime example of what I'm saying. The word "said" seems to be a first impulse and is the most obvious word choice for that verb of speaking. You're throwing away a great opportunity to add more impact and more detail to your story. With so little content you must maximize each opportunity to throw in details. I would suggest instead of the word "said" to use a stronger word such as "croaked" or "screetched" or something along those lines. Find opportunities throughout the rest of the piece to do the same. Think to yourself that if you could use a better word, take the opportunity to use a better word.

I think the title is generic (and not capitalized). This may or may not be for stylistic effect (I don't view it that way) so try to think of a more clever title and make sure that the first letters of appropriate words are capitalized.

I'm curious about the old woman. I feel like with the lack of detail about her, you miss out on key opportunities to provide any sort of characterization. Even just simple details such as describing her as a "frail old lady" or a "weary old woman" are some small examples of what you could do, but nonetheless enhance the story. Additionally, I feel like explanation could be given to just who this woman is. Is she just a stereotypical grandmother? Is she like a gyspy fortuneteller? Be sure to play around with adjectives to give the readers a clearer picture of who the characters are. As well as take into consideration on why the old lady has this knowledge. Even a single sentence about how she may have known (or what the protagonist may theorize about her) would help tie up a loose end that doesn't need to exist.

Partly because of the lack of detail and the simplistic diction choices, the piece lacks emotion. The only line that actually makes me feel any sort of empathy for the protagonist is when he states that his beautiful wife died in the fire. The reason why that sentence provokes a feeling is the word "beautiful" which gives me the impression that the protagonist obviously had much love and care for his wife. My advice would be to go bigger. For instance, take a sentence or two to describe how beatiful and how meaningful the wife is to the protagonist which would make her death even more shocking. Same goes for the house. Perhaps describe the setting and how nice life is before the old woman.

Make sure that you really look over the grammar as well and even read the piece out loud to yourself to catch some of the errors. In the first sentence the protagonist states that he lives on a house rather than in one. Typically (although this may be years of english teachers preaching about this) one doesn't say "me and my wife" but "my wife and I." "You're doom is near" instead of "your doom is near." " A old lady" rather than "an old lady." These wording issues along with missing punctuation prove to be quite distracting.

Overall, I think if you keep working on this piece and look over the guide that another user has posted, you can have a compelling story. I see potential, but it needs some refining to get to it's fullest potential. I would say that this is only 40% finished.