Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28431889-20160511142312/@comment-25569708-20160511204350

Hello RestlessNights! I will give you some feedback on this pasta. First, I will list the errors present. Use Ctrl+F to find what I'm referring to here:

"I was an ordinary kid as far as myself or anyone else was concerned" should be "I was an ordinary kid as far as I or anyone else was concerned"

"bmx bike" should be "BMX bike"

"how was your day?” She asked me." should be "how was your day?” she asked me."

"I interrupted with the question that I have been dying to ask" should be "I interrupted with the question that I had been dying to ask"

"“I just got off of the phone with Daniel’s mom” She said" should be "“I just got off of the phone with Daniel’s mom” she said"

"as far as i’m concerned" should be "as far as I’m concerned"

"This only made me more ancy" should be "This only made me more antsy"

"and what I seen next really scared me" should be "and what I saw next really scared me"

"two figures on the bed, tied to it" should be "two figures on the beds, tied to them"

"before hand" should be "beforehand"

"turning the television off ,soaked in a pool of sweat" should be "turning the television off, soaked in a pool of sweat"

"we need to get some sleep.” He said" should be "we need to get some sleep,” he said"

"breaking his gaze with the television screen and got up onto his feet, which caused all of the blood flow to enter back into his head, as it went back to a his skin color" should be something like "breaking his gaze with the television screen and getting up onto his feet, which caused his blood to flow back into his head, bringing back his skin color"

"by now, the movie has moved passed my mind" should be "by now, the movie had moved past my mind"

"letting whatever was out there to get inside of the bedroom" should be "letting whatever was out there inside of the bedroom"

"the baging continued" should be "the banging continued"

"In the corner of my eye, I seen something" should be "In the corner of my eye, I saw something"

"I remembered exactly what I seen in the closet" should be "I remembered exactly what I saw in the closet"

"I seen it" should be "I seen it"

Okay, now onto a few things I am unsure of for various reasons:

"4 years ago. I was only 12 years old", "2 minutes", and "3 feet". As a rule of thumb, if a number is not very high then it is spelled out as a word.

"When I got home, I just threw my bmx bike on my front lawn, and ran up my concrete patio steps, and entered my home, yelling my moms name with excitement as I walked in, not bothering to remove my shoes from my feet." This is just a big run-on sentence. Try breaking it down. And "moms" should be "mom's".

"Life was boring during the weeks following the sleepover". I think you meant to write "preceding" instead of "following", as "following the sleepover" means that all that stuff would have happened after their current sleepover finished.

Your uses of "google". If "google" is used as a verb, then it is uncapitalized. However, if it used as a proper noun referring to the actual searching service Google, then it is capitalized. You need to sort that out.

"I liked it though, as I knew, or at least thought confidently that it was just a movie." Awkwardly-worded sentence.

"...a flashing “recording” button". A "button" was on the screen he was watching? I think you meant to put "symbol" or something similar.

"The silence was broken as the bedroom door swung open, almost as if an angry unhumanly force had swung it open with such a force that it would fly off of it’s hinges." Another awkward sentence, and "it's" should be "its".

Okay, now let's talk about the pasta itself. For this being your first pasta, I think it is okay. However, I think it should be reduced in length, as the big buildup is not totally rewarded in the end. The paragraph in which they google the movie could be greatly cut down, as well as the beginning paragraphs, because these go on for a little too long. Additionally, the vocabulary you use is a bit too simplistic. You use the word "scare" nine times, and some of the description is overly-simplistic. I'm not asking you to use flowery, pretentious words, but a little variety in your descriptions would be nice. The dialogue also feels a little too choreographed and on-point. The characters could use some extra character, if you know what I mean.

The video itself (which is the focal point of this whole pasta) is kind of disappointing. The scarred-mouth man frankly feels too generic. The screaming people scene did not serve to increase the scare factor, instead it felt clichéd. Also, when the Daniel and the protagonist went to bed, the scratching at window window scene also felt clichéd, as did when the man confronted the protagonist in the closet, as I was expecting this to happen ever since I read about the video. Your story overall could use some work.

Well, that's my feedback. I don't mean to seem harsh, but your story just needs some extra work in regards to punctuation, grammar, character realism, length, and scare-factor. I hope I helped you with your story and all future stories by you.

Good luck, fellow Creeper!