Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24037587-20140911164319/@comment-24037587-20140912001006

Umbrello wrote: I didn't think this was so bad. The grammar needs a lot of work, but it's the type of thing someone could help you with. Here's some things I noticed:

1. A few words are repeated too close together. Here's an example: "I'm starting to feel the stress starting to hit me..." It's always best to use synonyms if you need to use the same word twice.

2. The arranged marraige thing needs to make a tad bit more sense. Perhaps if this was set in a country or area where it happens more often. Or if they are of a certain religion where it is more acceptable.

3. Cherri's X-shaped scar doesn't really serve any purpose. It needs an explanation or else it's just an extraneous detail.

4. I'm not crazy about the scythe. I understand that it's supposed to be cursed and that's why Cherri's anger turns to murder, but a scythe is very cliche. Maybe a weapon that one might not expect to be evil?

5. A week isn't long enough to get over the mental shock of your sister killing your father with a scythe. Or maybe she shouldn't get over it at all.

6. As soon as the arranged marraige was mentioned, I thought it was either for money or something evil. The story implies that the money thing isn't obvious to the reader, but it is, so maybe find a way to make it less obvious? I'm not sure how, though.

7. I have to agree with Cassist about the journal entries. They aren't written the way someone would write a journal. I don't agree that they tell us nothing, because they tell us that she bought the scythe and it drove her mad.

I think if you adressed these things that it would be fine. Yes, it's cliched, but not everything that is cliched is worthless. If you work on it some more and it still doesn't pass the admin test, try putting it somewhere else. Don't feel too discouraged if your work isn't acceptable to be showcased here. The standards are high and getting higher. Personally, I think it's exciting, but for some people it can be frustrating. Don't give up! Thank you so much. I can work with that. When I made the character I thought of the scythe but maybe something different would be more interesting. I'm willing to change things around but I really didn't want to scrap it. I'm going to do another rewrite soon once things settle down and work with your thoughts. Thank you so much.