User:AGrimAuxiliatrix1/My Critiques Continued

The first Critiques page was becoming very long and difficult to edit without my webpage nearly breaking (because my computer is of very poor quality). Therefore, my critiques will continue on here, and I will keep track of what number review it is in the heading.

Link to first page:

This is simply a page in which I will compile all of my in-depth reviews. Most of my shorter reviews will not be on here unless I am referring to a particularly short pasta. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

"Cupcakes" Review (#64)
I think it's been long enough since my last review, and since this could work as a sort of revival, I might as well abolish my old "No NSFW Stories" rule and branch out to the darker areas of the site. It'll be a fun trip.

Speaking of "fun trips", I'm taking a look at the infamous "Cupcakes". I've heard many mixed opinions on this story, and no general consensus on whether it is actually frightening or rather poor. There seems to be a wide range of emotions among the comments section. In my opinion, I actually kind of like this story.

Just not as a horror story.

Let me go ahead and address something very quickly: I do indeed watch "My Little Pony". Like any show, it has both very good and bad episodes. I might discuss it more at some point, but for now, I'd like to keep focus.

The point here is that this story makes more sense for people who have seen the show, or at least seen the majority of the 1st Season, considering this fanfiction was written only about 12 episodes into the show's run. There are many blatant references to the show that any non-fan wouldn't get (such as the part with Pinkie making fun of Gilda), and you might be able to find some of Pinkie's moments more enjoyable if you are familiar with her character.

With that aside, I think I'll delve into the problems first. The main fault I see here is that the attempts at "gore" are not creepy nor frightening, at least in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, the gore here has much more of a purpose than in something like, say, "Cry Baby Lane", but I just don't see it as particularly scary. Sure, the cupcakes are made from body parts, and Pinkie may be tearing out Rainbow Dash's organs, but I don't feel any tension. Hell, if you removed half of Pinkie Pie's dialogue, this would actually be quite dull. I thought a couple sections were a little bit gross, but at no point was I horrified at Pinkie Pie's actions ("horripied", if you'll pardon my pun) and truly fearful of her.

Of course, Pinkie Pie's dialogue is what truly makes this fanfiction. The key is that Pinkie is kept in character with her personality from the show. Pinkie is the type to make constant light of situations, even if they are grim, and she does this all while maintaining her high-energy and quick thinking. When I said this story would be dull without Pinkie's ranting, I wasn't kidding. If you are a fan of dark humor (and I mean extremely dark humor in this case), you might find this story insanely amusing. I definitely fall into that latter category. Personal favorites include the organ puns (I made a pun earlier in the review, what did you expect?) and the bit about the hack saw.

Besides the gory sections (which, granted, aren't even done too terribly), I did find this to be competently written on a structural, basic level. From a technical writing standpoint, I couldn't point out many errors (I do tend to be a bit lenient in this section, since no story has to have perfect grammar in order to still be excellent), so no detraction in this category.

There isn't much more to add about the other elements of this fanfiction. Rainbow Dash doesn't get many lines, but is still kept in character with the show as well. It is a short story, so it doesn't overstay it's welcome by any means.

The way I feel about the ending of the story is the same as how I feel about the gore. It could have been frightening had there maybe been actual tension or creepy moments, but as is, it doesn't work in a horror context. On an unrelated note, the way Pinkie knocks out Rainbow Dash makes complete sense. Dash has no reason to suspect Pinkie, and granted Pinkie's obsession with cupcakes and parties, Dash would probably have grown used to eating a cupcake or two whenever she is around Pinkie.

If I can retread back to the horror element, I will add that it is incredibly difficult to make Pinkie, an admittedly humorous and fun character, an intimidating threat, while still maintaining her core traits. In fact, the only source I've seen that actually almost made it work comes from the show itself, if you'll believe that. The episode "Party of One" (spoilers) is notorious for Pinkie's "freak-out" scene. The combination of her insanity, as well as some of the crazy expressions she makes, does manage to craft a somewhat unsettling mood. In this scene, she clearly isn't in a right state of mind, and because of this, we as an audience can fear her because we don't know how far off the deep end she is. There is a sense of mystery as to what she is going to do, and her next mood-swing could be at any given moment.

Speaking of mystery, I think this explains why I don't find this story scary: Pinkie's plan is spelled out. She is in full control, and we as readers know this. Let me explain.

The author reveals that Pinkie is going to make her into the cupcakes pretty swiftly, and then goes to the next extreme by showing Gilda's skull. We know what Pinkie is going to do, and because of that, she instantly becomes less interesting. If we know Pinkie is going to be slicing Dash apart and taking out her organs, we no longer have the fear of the unknown to think about.

Sure, "Party of One" was an episode of a cartoon, but the built-up atmosphere provided for actual tension, and I could believe that Pinkie may snap at any moment. Here, Pinkie just reveals how she is a cannibalistic murderer in a fairly normal fashion (normal for Pinkie's character, that is). There is no unpredictability, and as a result, no reason for us as readers to be afraid. Therefore, thank god for the comedy aspect of this story, or else this work would have fallen entirely on it's own face.

This has been a bit of a mess of a review, so I suppose I'll close in with a final verdict here.

I do not find this story frightening, and I don't believe it deserves a place on the Creepypasta Wiki. However, I do think that as a work in general, there are much worse, more offensive fanfictions. It isn't bad if you are a fan of the show, per say, but as funny as Pinkie is, the scares are still so poorly handled. When you balance the comedy and the "horror" out, I find this fanfiction to ultimately be very close to average. 4.5/10 for MLP fans, and perhaps a 4/10 or even a little lower for non-fans.