Talk:Kagome Kagome/@comment-25149349-20140707102901

Oh dear. There's some potential here (some of the descriptive text toward the end was somewhat effective, actually), but:


 * Numerous grammatical errors and weird, literally nonsensical sentences and phrases. "Reluctantly half-deaf"? "The scientists were contempt"?


 * Detrimental fourth-wall breaking by referring to other Creepypasta in the text itself, which just serves to remind the reader that's all this is.


 * Weird jumps in narrative style. We go from summary format to found-documentation format to second-person style.


 * The predominant narrative style sounds more like a summary of a story than an actual story.


 * Apparent confusion between the concepts of "comatose" and "dead".


 * Outright inaccuracy: "Kagome" does not mean "circle" or "circle you". It's simply a name (with some possible subjective double meanings if written with different characters). This misunderstanding is probably due to the questionable translation floating around YouTube. Like quite a few of these sorts of things, the translator either just thought their way sounded better, or couldn't find a translation of the word (not realizing it's just a name) and decided to make something up.


 * German scientists calling, into Japan... scientists from MOSCOW - as in, from the Soviet Union. Explicitly MILITARY scientists, no less. During World War II.


 * Speaking of scientists, why do these elite German neurosurgeons have no idea how an adult brain is structured already?


 * Speaking of fictional scientists, randomly declaring Victor Frankenstein to be a real person is jarring enough to warrant more than a throwaway line.


 * Lastly, if you need to tell the readers how scary the story is ("This part gets freaky," for instance), it's probably not.