Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25601136-20150116021607/@comment-25975226-20150116023442

This story has a very interesting concept, and some of the description is good. I would advise you slowly read back over it and fix things up like 'as' instead of 'was', and minor errors like that. More description is needed on the 'floaters', to make them more terrifying and creepy. What are they? Where do they come from? You don't need to say outright, but maybe hint at some extra clues for the reader.

Use full stops in some places instead of commas. It helps to slow down the flow of the story. For example: "The classroom was cooler than he remembered, but the other faceless emotionless students didn’t seem to care, but one did." Try using full stops, because this sentence doesn't flow quite as it should.

Clear up the ending a bit more. Who spoke? I understand it was most likely the girl, but some clarification would be nice.

Also, don't jump from place to place. One minute he was finishing emptying his bladder, and the next he was in the exam. More description is needed to define when he gets to school, and you could use this as an opportunity for the protagonist to see more shadows and to describe them more.

Other people might be able to give you better pointers, but these are the things I picked up on. This story has great potential, keep it up!