Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28420405-20160715142937/@comment-29015383-20160719113444

so as requested, here are my points on the second version!

"or enjoy the waterpark at dark." -> after dark?

"That morning, Kevin packed his overnight bag. He put his bag with a change of clothes and toothbrush in the backseat of his car." -> Still feel like you can skip one of the 'bag's here, and merge the sentences together. Just a suggestion/idea that may not be entirely corrent but might help: 'That morning, Kevin packed a change of clothes and toothbrush in his bag before tossing it to the backseat of his car.'

"He couldn’t help but feel a little sad – he knew this would be their last trip together before college. He wanted to soak in as much fun as he could before turning the page on this chapter of his life. He cranked up the radio and headed out to pick up his friends." -> While I don't think this is wrong in any way, the continuous start with 'he' still feels awkward. Might just be me.

"Everyone was excited for make the most of the day." -> for should be to I believe.

"No longer did the happy voices of families and friends ring out around the colored walkways" -> I think 'throughout' would work better than 'around'.

"Finally, the decided to ride " -> they

"They giggled and excitedly talked back and forth and the coaster continued to creep down the tracks." -> Still think that it should be 'while the coaster continued' because the laughter and talking is happening at the same time as the coaster's movements.

"Kevin heard the forceful thud of their bodies on the ground. An audible crunching noise was heard as the bodies landed, even from the high altitude of the still stranded cars." -> I feel like this could easily be one sentence since they both convey the same thing, just one with more detail than the other.

"He saw their crumpled bodies laid in a heap on the ground below them. Their heads were tilted at unhuman angles. He felt himself choke back his own sick as he surveyed his friends below. " -> Considering that they're hanging upside down and a loop is generally huge, I find it odd that he can see them so easily. Especially since earlier you mentioned that he was only able to see small, dark silhouettes of the people scampering around on the ground. Personally I feel that just mentioning he hears a faint, sickening thud is enough to get the mental image across. And don't forget to show the people on the ground working on recovering/covering the bodies when the protagonist reaches the ground.

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Now this is just a suggestion that you are free to ignore, but I feel like to much of the story is spent on the silent contemplation while hanging upside down. I think it might be stronger if the length of the upside down part is shortened a bit to mostly focus on the important parts: The pressure and discomfort, the failing bar, and the people falling unconscious. Granted, I wouldn't know how to achieve this. I simply think it may help the flow of the story and deliver a more intense moment.