Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26505659-20150618034435/@comment-26505659-20150618161136

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Formatting issues: don't indent paragraphs as it causes that white text box issue.

Spelling issues: "That unfortuante", "my eyesbrows", "blood-curtling", etc. Wording issues: it's=it is, its=possession. "it's mouth.", "It's teeth", "it's shoulder" "the fetus postition" (fetal position)

Punctuation issues: you switch our quotation marks for apostrophes multiple times: " Listen, listen.. "

Capitalization issues: "It looked like a person... But (but) very.. Deformed (deformed).." ellipses don't signify the end of a sentence unless placed at the end of a sentence. Those were meant to denote pauses (which is odd in written form)

Story issues: "She asked to change our phone number, but I figured that was a bad idea." Why was it a bad idea? Explain to the audience otherwise the narrator comes off as nonsensical. It starts off with an all right premise, but it really devolves at the end with the appearance of the monster. Why was it calling the protagonist and telling him to 'listen'? To what end? The ending also needs work: "it's to always keep your ears open. And if someone tells you to "Listen," plug your ears." (Side note: you start a lot of sentences with conjunctions giving it a very choppy start/stop feel.) You need something with a more emotional punch. The father has just lost his daughter so now would be a perfect time to inject some pathos into the story. Also, keep your ears open and plug your ears ends up being contradictory. I'm sorry but I agree with Underscorre's decision to delete this. 04:09, June 18, 2015 (UTC) I would like to thank you for your review, and I believe you did have some nice points as to what I needed to change. I fixed my mistakes, and I'm really hoping its alright now ^-^