Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24694434-20150115043735/@comment-26007602-20150116020155

Allow me to start off by saying that this is written quite well enough. The punctuation and grammar are fine for the most part, with no real glaring issues. There are many fragmented sentences (which are technically grammatically incorrect), but I believe that they are somewhat acceptable due to the conversation-like nature of the story.

Here's the biggest problem with the story: it's based off of the "Look behind you!" cliché (This is also the first line of your story, which does not bode well). That alone would probably warrant its deletion on the site. The fact that you're aware of this however, is a good sign.

The other major issue I have with the story is that there is no real plot here. You are just describing a monster to the reader while drilling the point home that these monsters live around the reader and hate him. This somewhat crosses the "You're next!" cliché. I believe if you were to be more subtle in this endeavor, it would not only subvert the cliché, but heighten the tension and build up, which this story lacks (because of the absence of plot). Also, there is no ending; you just kind of leave the reader after telling them about where to find it. Perhaps this is the best way to end it, but I was hoping for a little more than, "You'll never see them".

I don't know if I'd recommend keeping the story, It is highly clichéd for what it is, and lacks any real substance to draw the reader in or make them remember the monster (I'd also recommend giving the monster a name of sorts, any thing is better than "the monster"). The idea however, I believe has great potential (if it hasn't been done to death already; I'm not sure to the extent that it has). Perhaps a group of friends learn about this monster and try to catch in their view somehow? Or maybe write about a protagonist that can see these monsters while no one else can and everyone perceives him as crazy? And then the monsters kill their prey and he is framed for it? That's all I can think of off the top of my head; I just think it should be incorporated into an actually story instead of being a mere description.

TL;DR: All in all, this story is well written, but is highly clichéd for what it is and lacks any real plot to keep the reader interested. The idea behind it though is worth keeping (Go into a bit more detail about the monster's appearance maybe? I understand its actions but wish I had a better picture in my head), as long it is incorporated into a less clichéd story. I'll stop here before this becomes any longer than the story itself. I hope (as this is my first review) that this was helpful!