Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20181124050253/@comment-35911608-20181127145007

DrBobSmith wrote: RedNovaTyrant,

Thank you for the review.

What would be the best game to use for the two of them playing together?

What type of details are missing and where do you think they are missing from?

Where are the grammar errors?

Respectfully yours,

Dr. Bob Smith

Apologies for taking so long to get back. This is more in response to the new draft.

I noticed the tenses of the story are off. At the beginning, Sean is speaking in present tense (They are average height and thin.), but then lean towards past tense as the story progresses, right around "I had to know the truth.".

I also caught a few of the grammar errors for you:

“Tina had no interest in your or anything else that could slow down her rise to CEO.”

Your should be you, probably just a typo.

“… and I wanted you to have as good adopted parents as adopted parents.”

This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. Is there a missing word, or perhaps just your brain on repeat? (I don't mean that as an insult, I usually catch myself writing ten words ahead of where I'm currently at a lot lol)

“Your master the Dark Lord?”

This one's self explanatory.

Also, just to nitpick about the games section, you still have the line about "Shooting fake aliens". If you've changed the games to Red Dead 2 and A Way Out, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'd simply change it to "Playing pretend doesn't amuse me", or some variant of that.

Hope this helps. Otherwise it's looking good.