Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24261948-20151116081501/@comment-24261948-20151117030200

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Underscorre actually described the story as being this: "Unrealistic to the point that suspension of disbelief is pretty much impossible, but well written" I looked over the story and I have to agree with him.

That being said, I did notice some issues that were present in the story: "the Hololens was (were) barely revealed at that point" When using abbreviations like P.T., you need to properly punctuate it. ("Whatever occurred in P.T"), additionally video game titles should be in quotations, underlined or italicized (depending on the style you learned).

The "Until we realized none of us were wearing Glass." line feels like it was used way too early. Up till this point, you haven't mentioned the protagonist's interactions with Lisa so it just comes off as a bit misused. I also feel like a lot more explanation needs to be put into why she is now able to cross into the physical world "Once was all it took and, like us, Lisa never left them." and visually alter images even when Google Glass isn't being used.

You also need to do more research on Google Glass as some of the effects seem to be impossible with the images I've seen. "The clock on my wall won’t stop spinning while the watch on my wrist doesn’t seem to be working at all." It super-imposes images, it doesn't actually alter images.

Finally, this story feels like a re-worked version of Fessan, a story you posted earlier that just uses a character from "Silent Hills" as a means of fleshing out your original story. It also feels very similar to The Systelien Specter. This unfortunately creates a number of issues. At what point does using another character (Lisa) count as being a spinoff / fan fiction? While there are some interesting concepts, I feel like not a lot it is being effectively used/built-up to which really weakens the overall plot. Additionally, the idea of using another IP in your story feels like it is really close to crossing the line of violating our spinoff rule.

thanks for your critics, this pasta is about the game developer accidentally made a mind altering video game designed for the experimental google glass so that's mean the moving clock is not from the google glass but its from his own mind. i will punctuate the PT with the "". also, this is not a spinoff or fanfic work. its about how stressed mind can blur the line between fiction and reality. this story is not a reworked version of FESAAN and it has nothing to do with it. thanks