Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25151680-20140707231208/@comment-25558572-20140707235439

You have errors here and there in this short pasta. The first sentence should not be seperated from the second paragraph; you don't need to start a new paragraph unless the suject is being changed in some way. And in the second paragraph itself, the word 'suddenly' should be a new paragraph.

You have way too many uneeded qualifiers. "Dark black" (black is by definition a dark shade), "pale white" (same thing) and "loud noise" (most noises are loud enough to be heard). Cut out what doesn't need to be said twice.

The story itself was... confusing. And bland. A computer that won't turn off and an evil spirit coming out of it, almost certainly to kill the boy. At least I would have known that if the ending didn't throw me off completely. Did you actually finish writing this?

So although you do have acceptable grammar and overall structure, the story and characters were cringe-worthy in how cliched and unimpressive they were. While short pastas absolutely can be good, they have to have some kind of plot that is more than just an ending. You need more than ending to have a story- you need a beginning, middle and end. Sorry, but I don't see this getting accepted on the wiki.

Take a look at the Writing Advice Blogs for more tips and things to avoid.