Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25094717-20170720105421/@comment-24101790-20170720143042

Wording issues: "He is infamously known to be associated and controlled by Junko Enoshima, the girl who is responsible within the "Killing Game" itself. (If you're going to be using the word infamous, you do need to include reasons why they're reviled. Remember that a majority of the people who are reading this story have no idea who these characters are or the plot in general so leaving out explanations results in bland storytelling.)", "His most distinct feature is his Yin-Yang body, which represents both evil and good. (I think you left out the word colored/pattern as just saying yin-yang body doesn't really paint a descriptive picture.)", "However, many legends surround his real history and the real reason for his murderous behaviour, not that he is controlled.".

Wording issues cont.: "This teddy bear, now named as Monokuma, prompting revenge to the owner who abandoned him day and night.", "Others say that the spirit of a serial killer, who once murdered children in cold blood by using manipulation tactics such as offering them for a walk, had possessed into his own teddy bear inside his house.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to identify issues of clunky wording. A general rule of thumb is that if it sounds awkward when read aloud, it should be revised.

Story issues: There needs to be a lot more explanation and descriptive elements here. Remember that a majority of the people who are reading this story have no idea who these characters are or the plot in general so leaving out explanations results in bland storytelling and can result in a lot of confusion about the characters/plot. Take this line for example: "Neither the students of Hope's Peak Academy nor even the Ultimate Despair, Junko Enoshima, know anything about his real history.". It doesn't really work to gloss over something so important-sounding as 'the Ultimate Despair' which detracts from the story itself.

Story issues cont.: In the end, this story feels more like a bio for a character that belongs on the villains wiki or the Danganronpa wiki rather than an actual creepypasta. There really isn't any elements of telling a cohesive story here and a quick google search (see link above) goes into a lot more detail about the character's history and provides supporting evidence.

The theory section of your story proposes two separate theories (the serial killer and the abandoned toy idea) to the character's backstory, but doesn't really give any supporting evidence to back up these claims. Also, proposing two separate theories ends up weakening your story as it makes it seem like supposition and conjecture. I'm sorry, but these wording and plot issues really result in a story that needs quite a lot of work and revision.