Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-33904527-20181202003607/@comment-34823985-20181203143317

I think this is well written. I enjoyed it despite its resemblance to Saw. I only watched the first two movies and it was a long time ago, so maybe that's partially why I didn't care if it was similar. Some creativity and work could steer the story away from that comparison if you preferred, but there are plenty of mediums that serve up pretty much the same thing all the time.

Some people don't dig that kind of drudgery, but plenty seem to. Why has NCIS been allowed to run on television for so long? Eh, somebody seems to like its hugely recycled and rehashed plot lines. I've watched more episodes than I'd like to admit.

Ah screw it! I admit it. Leroy Jethro Gibbs is a fictional badass and his name kicks ass too. The same basic story arc told over and over again hasn't negatively affected its viewership as far as I know.

You wrote the story you wrote I'd assume because something Saw-like was what you were aiming for or you at least clued in at some point but kept writing anyways despite the similarities. Ain't no shame it that as far as I'm concerned. Some will criticize it negatively, but some will like it. Some will criticize it and still like it. Write whatcha wanna write, man.

I'd be hard pressed to find an example of anything in the world that doesn't have people on both sides of the aisle. Some people like Nazis and for lots of different reasons. Go figure.

Sure, there are a few minor typos and some sentences could use some editing. A few examples for your perusal. Capitalize that 'h' that's all by itself. I think flickered would work better here, but maybe I'm just being pickered.
 * “h-hel-hello…”
 * Fluorescent lights flicked into action with a powerful flash,

It seems to me like you mix up the narrator's voice with Carols throughout the story. I didn't find it hard to follow, but some quotation marks and such would clarify things a bit. Here are two examples, but there are other points where this happens as well. It's not too confusing, but those three words could belong to anyone since it's so early in the story. "Oh. Oh no, they got you too Grandma?' cried Carol's long dead poodle, Sigurd. Who wouldn't? No, seriously, the narrator should know who would and has kidnapped the old bag, so she must be the one thinking or saying this. The clearer you make it... the better.
 * Oh. Oh no.
 * Why would anyone kidnap a frail, elderly woman?

The ending is a bit vague. This is a site where ghosts, zombies, and plenty of other maimed souls reside in large numbers. I'd work on clarifying the fake hand gag, but I'm not the first one to mention that. I wonder why Carol bothers to grab her groceries after what she has been through instead of running into the street screaming, "Help me! Help me!" and also neglects to immediately act on Peter's behalf.

I can't say as to whether this will make it onto the site because of its similarities to Saw, 'cause I just don't really know. Clean up a few minor issues like the ones I mentioned and it certainly won't be the writing, grammar, or punctuation that keeps this story down. Keep writing. :b