Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-27154832-20151201235834/@comment-27080023-20151203155216

It is a good idea, very good indeed, but it needs to be completely written again in my opinion. With something this short it needs to be pretty much perfect to have the impact that you are aiming for. I agree it sounds robotic, like a sequence of quick sentences and is littered with grammatical errors and small mistakes.

Have another go, make it more descriptive than robotic, iron out the errors and yes, this could potentially be very good.