Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24248644-20170220222412/@comment-31111342-20170221154357

Not a bad concept, but there are a lot of flaws in the writing.

1. Grammar; specifically in the first line. Instead of "me and my college friends", it should be "my college friends and I."

2. Take out the "We were athletic, btw" part becaue it only takes me out of the story and it's unnecessary. Either put it into the narrative itself more naturally, or get rid of it all together.

3. The police wouldn't have arrived that quickly. It's a flaw that pops up a bit in creepypastas, but if you want the story to come off as believable and realistic, I'd edit it.

4. Why would he remember all the details of this event but forget who he was with at the time? You'd think this event would cement them in his head considering how he keeps thinking about it. And besides, if you could add details like names and dialogue, it humanizes the characters and impacts us harder. Right now they're just random, nameless, faceless people we know nothing about and thus they are less characters and more just tools of the plot.