Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28770958-20160617065635/@comment-28266772-20160617135628

Right, straight off the bat there are formatting issues. The paragraphs are too long and should be broken up because otherwise this is just two walls of text. Next up...

Tense issues -> "The crazed vampiric being bares his fangs in a bright smile, a smile you had thought only moments before to be kind, now filled your blood with fear.  You will try to wrestle your hands away from his, " In this one section you go from present tense (bares), to past tense (filled), to future tense (You will try). Pick a tense and stick to it. Past tense is the default style, and is used most often because it's easier to remain consistent. Contrary to what people think it is harder to write in present tense.

Fragmented sentences -> " He wears a top hat that bares a rose on the side. Red like the color of the roses that you found growing beside your house just yesterday." This is when you write a dependent clause following an independent clause with nothing connecting the two. There are loads of guides on this wikia that deal with sentence structure, I recommend you look at them here.

Punctuation/Capitalization issues -> " You will attempt to ask him of the roses again, he will simply reply "Let us make the roses bloom", Your face will fall with confusion, and as you prepare to voice your rejection of the idea, his once kind smile transforms into a twisted grin, thick black thread sewn over thin pale lips." Dialogue should be distinguished with a line break, and a capital letter should only start a new sentence i.e. Your.

Awkward wording -> " But, be not fooled, if you invite him within," -> this might be more a case of stylistic issues. But, "be not fooled" comes off as a fruitless attempt to sound poetic. To continue onwards from that sentence...

" But, be not fooled, if you invite him within, or offer your help, and you will be compelled to help him, he will reach out and offer his hand. Take his hand, and you will be compelled to take his hand, and he will lead you into your home," -> This whole section is super duper confusing. I think you're trying to create a flowing, stream-of-consciousness style thing, but it doesn't work and ends up being much more muddled than it needs to be. Repetition is something you should avoid like the plague, and if you do use it, you should be confident that your conservative use reinforces the point you want to get across. If you do use it you need to put that extra bit of work in to make sure it doesn't interrupt the flow of events. In this case, your sentence presents the following events in the following order.

You take his hand. You are compelled to take his hand. -> How can I be compelled to do something ''I've already done? ''This faux pas is only made worse for every following attempt.

Further capitalization issues -> " The Aristocratic Gentleman, He stands at 8 feet/ you ever return home to find the Gentleman at your door, He will politely inquire about seeking/ by to actually witness He may" This may just be an accident, but using He and <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">  <span style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;color:rgb(212,212,213);">Him (capital H) outside of starting a sentence, refers to a religious figure. Using Him (capital H) all the time to denote significance doesn't work since, technically speaking, Him (capital H) refers to God or Jesus, or a hand full of other major religious figures (i.e. prophets). It's not something you can just pick up and use for stylistic flare. I could forgive this on some level if it were at least consistent but it's not. So, even if you do want to use it as a stylistic flourish, at least do it consistently.

<span style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;color:rgb(212,212,213);">Overall I think the reigning word that sticks out in my mind while reading this is 'pretentious'. I admire the fact that your style is trying to be reminiscent of the vampire that is central to this story, and it does some service in making the reader feel like that's what they're experiencing, but it's simply not executed with enough competence. Can I recommend sticking to the traditional prose format for your next story, and proof reading it before posting. If this has been a bit harsh I apologize. Like I said above you do quite well in some of the descriptive passages - in particular I like the details regarding the vampire's appearance. I think you have some talent, and I hope to read some more from you. <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">But I think you would do well to take this advice and carry it into a new story and try again. I do not want my advice to discourage anyone, but I also think it's important to make it clear what's good/bad about a story. <span style="color:rgb(212,212,213);font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;line-height:22px;">

<span style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;color:rgb(212,212,213);">Best of luck.