Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28229401-20160421051427/@comment-28266772-20160421152333

Hi,

So this story could really use a proof read. What I often do myself is write one story, move onto another, and then come back to the first. This way I feel like I have a fresh set of eyes to pick out the errors. Another (and more common approach) is to just get a friend to read over with a highlighter and point out the obvious mistakes. I've decided to do this for the first paragraph with corrections in italic.

[Before, back when the world had a sense of normality, I was a school teacher and moonlighted as an accountant. I taught pre-school and kindergarten. I thoroughly enjoyed my day job. Seeing the smiles on the little ones' (possessive) faces, teaching new and exciting things to their little minds. Back then, they were bright, full of life and had so much promise.]

Unfortunately there are lots of these little errors throughout. Fortunately, they're also small and easily fixed, and nothing to worry about. Still, I think it's necessary to go through and pick out and fix as many of them by yourself.

You also mention that this story is long, but I don't think it needs to be. It would be worth going through each sentence and trimming every and any thing that isn't completely necessary. Consider your very first sentence. It simply doesn't matter that the teacher moonlights as an accountant, it's not informative to the plot and doesn't contribute to the mood or atmosphere. There are lots of little touches like this that could be removed without harming the story. For example, you also clearly want to demonstrate the loss of the teacher's innocence, that they begin the story full of faith and hope and end it with very little/none. I'm not sure you need to spend so much time throughout the entire story demonstrating this when it's shown to the audience clearly, and early on.

Overall I think the story could use a little bit more focus. Less of the teacher lamenting the inefficiency of schooling, and more melted children in bath tubs. After all it's the latter that makes your story memorable. On this I'd like to end on a positive note. Your story has atmosphere, and I enjoyed reading it. It played on adult fears enough to be affecting, and offered a glimpse at something more horrifying while not putting absolutely everything on show, which is the foundation of a good short horror story. I'm looking forward to seeing a second draft.

Regards,

Christian Wallis