Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25944865-20141231025534/@comment-25170312-20141231210750

A little confusing at first, but I realized how clever it was once it made sense. It was also funny at first, but then you seemed to lay it on a little thick with all the attitude which just made me want to skip forward to see what happened later. I understand the main character is furious, but the reader has no idea why at the start which makes it a little off putting. Especially when I didn't know the stuff in all caps was a hypochondriac implant. The fat guy segment was well done, but it went on a little long. The doctor denying that the implant was malfunctioning seemed odd, too. Or did part of plot go right past me?

My main suggestion would be to cut down just a little on the language in the beginning so it has more of an impact later on when things get really crazy. And maybe a tad less fat guy. I also suggest changing the last word from hypovolemia to hypovolemic shock. Not that the way you did it is wrong, I just thought it might be better to specify that he is definitely going to die, if that's what is implied.