Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4656382-20180107090155/@comment-26399604-20180111134748

This one is a little stronger on it own, but again, like I said in Vincent, it feels like it's a piece of a larger whole. It begins and ends with questions that aren't really answered, and it feel like we're already supposed to know who Lilith and the demon are. Now, I don't if there's another part you've written that I've missed that might fix that. Regardless, I think if you were to post all of these (when you're finished), I think they should all be on one page with header's separating them like chapters/sections.

''I did notice a few areas that needed to be addressed. Please see the brackets for corrections:''

+I turned only to be greeted by a [demon]; tall and brooding.

+He went down on a knee and said[,] “I won’t hurt you, I promise[,]” in a soothing voice.

+“L-Lilith, sir. Lilith Elinzer[,]” I responded as I felt another wave of fear hit me.

+The [demon] gestured to the cabinets above the counters and asked if I wanted food.

+He looked at me, from head to toe and asked[,] “Would you like new clothes?” with the same soothing voice.

+“Let’s take a look at the place before we go[,]” I thought. It appeared to have been [well-maintained], yet looked recently occupied.

+The hairs on the back of my neck raised and I knew the [demon] was back. I could hear his footsteps approach the front door as I ran back to the chair. He had a dress in his arms[:]

+I pondered there for a bit, confused as to why the [demon] was so nice and accepting of me. He avoided my question the last time.

+I knew I would have a new life the moment I threw [away] these rags. I exited the bathroom and stood in front of a large mirror.

“Tell me, Lilith. Do you have any family? Someone you know that may be looking for you?” [he] asked.

+“I ran as fast as I could, b-but it caught up. I-it killed my parents[,]” I said, raising my head. I looked at the [demon] as I fought back the tears.

+I was no longer seeing a [demon], but a man. Something changed; the aura of the house, of him. No longer did I feel caged and terrified. I felt relaxed and free, ready to take on anything.

+The [demon] got me a new dress and a black mask. I enjoyed his company as we laughed and talked. I noticed a few empty laughs from [time-to-time].

+[It] felt a bit crowded inside, the heat of many bodies gathered finally got to me, and I had to cool off. I headed outside on the balcony to get some fresh air. On the rooftop across from the gallery, there was a shadow that seemed too familiar. Something was there that the darkness was clinging to, like a plague. It was the monster that destroyed my life not too long ago.

+I felt a tug on my arm, and I was in the air getting farther from the party, from my [demon].

+I wanted to yell[,] “I’m here!” but I was too scared. My mind was racing, but all I could think of was wondering where my [demon] was.

+“Release her, now[,]” something snarled. My heart dropped as I tried to free myself from Its grip, panicking. I could feel Its fear.

+I didn’t care about my [demon] anymore. I was afraid to run to him again.

+I woke up to bird songs and sunlight. I was back home, but no [demon] in sight. I was covered in red, as were my sheets. My body ached, and my head throbbed. I got up to search for my [demon], to tell him we were in danger. I opened my door and was greeted by red walls and floor. My heart dropped as a panic set. “Oh [God], don’t tell me I’m too late. Don’t tell me he’s gone too.”

“Oh [God]!” I yelled as I ran to him and hugged him.