Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26528249-20150714153935/@comment-26007602-20150716185808

There's no story here. There's no cohesive flow and the narrator simply jumps from subject to subject without explaining anything. He meets all of these people (Who are never given any personality, defining characteristics, or interactions, so there's no way to differentiate them) and then one of them posts a picture that is never described in the least. Apparently this guy joined a cult? Why...? It's never explained. There are far too many meaningless sentences and diversions that don't move the story along at all. I don't care about this guy having to make a "disqus" account, nor do I care about his "fake raging". He has no personality and seems like some loser on the internet. You want the reader to emphasize with the main character, not loathe them.

Besides that, this story is riddled with grammatical errors. You need to capitalize names and use proper spacing. Also separating this into different paragraphs would make it much easier to read). Using emoticons also severely damages your writing as it looks highly unprofessional.

I can't comment or offer advice on how to improve the story as there really isn't anything here. I'd advise you to peruse some more stories on this site and examine how they're written and what techniques they use to deliver their scare factor.