Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-34541920-20180204184046/@comment-25458443-20180204221708

Okay, I kinda love this story, but probably for the wrong reaons.

idk man i can see what you're going for but this is kinda unsavable i feel. Unless you made the story longer, or something?

There's no build up. The child saying "Mr. Funnymuffins" is legitimately hilarious. I'm more amused by the turn of phrase Funny Muffins than I am unnerved by any 'spoooooky implications' and even beyond that the dad's reaction is ridiculous. "My son said a weird thing, better be shaa aaaky and ne Ervous" what kinda dad is this?? If I had a son and he said that exact same thing I'd probably respond more with a joking: "....Mister Funnymuffins?" as opposed to a "er gorsh, why is he mad at me!?"

The story doesn't work, mainly, because it goes from 0-100 too fast. The son asks a benign question, the father gives a benign answer...then the son kills the father. Sure, if I were killed by my son for no reason, I'd probably be scared, but simply reading a story where that happens isn't scary.

Why did the son care so much about going to the beach?? Why did he kill his father?? Was the point that the cliffside lead TO the beach?? Is Funnymuffins, like, a demon? Or Something?? If so, why wasn't that more properly explained??

I mean as it is, its literally one step away from being

Daniel's son looked at him.

"I'm real spooky," said Daniel's son.

''"What?" Daniel replied.''

But then they died, but the son didn't, because he was scary.