Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-35711173-20190207081051/@comment-9041013-20190207202035

OH GOD NOT THE RABBITZ... See what I did there?

Well aside from ProWritingAid not liking some of your use of english (mostly asking you to reduce words here and there to improve the already easy readability) I don't see much wrong with it on the technical side. You've also apparently misspelled "Bookstore", as the internet says it's a single word. That and "Fireteam" not being a real word.

Plotwise, well it's your slightly cartoonish style, I'm not a huge fan of your discriptions personally. So there's that for me. It does not retract from this story being good. It's just my taste.

Your phrasing comes off weird here and there, like in; "She wondered why the priest here in Texas wanted to give Easter Mass so nobody could understand him." Shouldn't it be "in a way that no one could understand"?

Again happens here, "They really were CPS and were just pretending to be CPS so they could take her children." I assume it's part of her psyche falling apart,correct me if I'm wrong on that. Regardless, it needs some paraphrasing.

The one thing that bothered me here is how you mention it being Rabies way too early. Lose the titling of the disease. Avoid giving the demon it's name. Leave people mesmerized by how it works, because I'm certain a portion of your readers do not know what Rabies actually does. You should reveal it's Rabies only when Ryan is told his family died from it.

(I'd personally follow this up with him having an emotional moment in detail)

Also, as far as I know, the first successful treatment was when a girl was put into a medical coma as an experimental on-the-fly treatment and it worked. Now, it's a treatment that saved a few people. You could just do that and avoid the "we drugged her into a coma, by the way" part, it felt uncomfortable to me.

All in all this needs some little polishing and it's good to go.