Talk:Vivid/@comment-5733573-20180905053607

It's not bad. The plot is mostly really good, except that I have one glaring question that really needs to be answered: what is there within the protagonist to make him to anything to harm his family? All of that stuff just seems thrown in there for shock value. There is no other indication that he would ever do anything like that. This really needs to be addressed.

In addition, the ending is really unclear. It could stand to be cleared up.

Where this story takes the hardest hit is in execution. First of all, let's talk about paragraph structure. Many of your pararaphs simply have too many topics. Each paragraph should be focused on making one point, so go through and see what each paragraph's job should be. Secondly, a lot of your sentences are just sloppy. There's no variation to your sentence length, you switch between verb tenses, you've overused synonyms for common words, and some sentences are missing words all together. Please give this a thorough proofread so you can find all of this stuff.

I really would love to see this story cleaned up, because I like most of the plot. The pacing is mostly very good. In addition, the main character is very likable, and his relationships all feel very real. Nice job there.