Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20180515144449/@comment-7064562-20180515231512

EmpyrealInvective wrote: Resdraon wrote: I was worried about the amount of "He's" and the characters name in my own story, but after seeing all the "I"'s in yours, it made me feel a lot better about it. First person stories do tend to use "I" quite a lot, it's a bit like how third person stories rely on pronouns and character names. There isn't much workaround (that doesn't add its own wrinkles). Ya I know, but when you've spent the last 16 hours writing 6 chapters from third person, you start to questioning such things. I wasn't being sarcastic at all, lol, I was actually worried about it and this made me feel better. I'm to used to writing in first person, but for YA novels, third works the best due to the amount of characters. It's mainly an issue when you give the characters  stupid first time like I do. Now I just have to tell myself that all my tense are correct and I might be able to sleep.

So, as for your story, outside of it needing more sex appeal, there's a couple of tense issues and some weird word play.

Such as:  "it’s something from my memory, but it’s almost like it doesn’t belongs to me."

Personally, I find the whole first pargraph to be a little over the top, and I don't think it flows well either, as the rest of it is more tame. I used to do the same thing back in the day, and I find it to be a bad habbit of entering a story.

There's also a few words that don't really fit/make sense in the sentances, but after a retype, they should fix themslelves naturally.

I also think you need more detail to descirbe the setting to make it more understable as to what's going on. Honestly, without it, the transitions seem to be a tad rough/confusing.

However take this with a grain of salt, as this isn't  really my cup of tea and I found reading it to be difficult, as it's outside of my expertese (I'm more of a plotpoint guy, whose fancy wordplay involves sarastic and somewhat funny methaphors, so this clashes with my personal style.)

-For some reason my spellcheck isn't working atm-