Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-28420405-20160531153144/@comment-29791712-20160601193809

I'll start this review with some of the grammatical errors I noted, and then proceed to talk about the story.

"Any movement made my entire engulfed my body in pain." This sentence makes no sense. I think you meant, "Any movement made my entire body engulfed in pain," but even then that sounds awkward.

"The rest of my memories were running together, like ice cream dripping down a cone on a hot day." Not so much a grammatical error, but I just have an issue with this simile. It seems a bit cartoonish, and takes away what you're really trying to say.

"Before I could search my memory for any more answers, she woman patted me on the legs." Take away the "she", and add "the" to the sentence.

"The crept closer to my door..." I think you mean "They" instead of "The."

"The man began briskly walked toward me." It's "The man began briskly walking towards me."

"The man picked threw me back onto the bed." I think you meant, "The man picked me up and threw me back onto the bed."

Alrighty, now that that's done, onto your story.

I have to say, at the beginning, this story really caught my attention. I started getting very into it, and as the plot continued to unfold bit by bit, I found myself interested in what was going to happen. But the ending really killed it for me. It left so many unanswered questions, and it did no justice to the plot or protagonist whatsoever. Why was the protagonist there in the first place? Why were there other people being tortured, or whatever it is that's going on? Who were those two people who claimed to be the protagonist's mother and father? You see where I'm coming from? It's never good to end a story with so many unanswered questions. You shoud make sure your story makes sense, and that it reaches a resolve that leaves the reader satisfy with what you wrote.

As far as your writing goes, you're doing a splendid job. I loved the description and your style, but one thing I noticed is the lack of "voice." Honestly your protagonist didn't seem that "alive", if you catch what I'm saying. You should always plan ahead how your narrator is going to tell the story with his or her voice. It's the narrator's voice that makes a story unique. You may have a well-driven plot, but that means nothing if you have a boring and insipid protagonist.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work!