Talk:Drums in the Sky/@comment-26193563-20150506221140

I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, and I hope to apologize.

Topic: "Rainless Thunderstorms"

First, with the title: "Drums in the Sky" is a good title, as it later directly references toward the end.

Moving onto the story: The first few pieces of dialogue sounded...cheesy. Now, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it sounds a bit old-fashioned: "...very funny Ferris!" Like what? No offense meant, but the "jokes" were corny and awkward, and a bit nonsensical.

So then we move onto the action of the story. Apparently these 4 bullies dragged Ariana out to the lake and I guess she drowned. There wasn't any reason why the bullies should have done that, and that's a major plothole: no backup.

Then the lightning. You, the author, did play out the given topic nicely enough in this pasta, as it is later mentioned that these lighting were not exactly "natural weather." No problems here.

What bothered me (in a bad way) was that suddenly, coincidentally, the "loophole" was too narrow, too specific. The story fits the idea but the idea doesn't fit the story.

There were some run-on sentences, fragments, and a few grammar errors I think I can help you fix. I like that you did some research on the god instead of just making up a random being.

The ending line: when Ariana called it "drums in the sky," why does that have to be mentioned? Sure, it's the title, but it leaves me a bit confused. So what if she called thunder that way? It does little contribution to the pasta.

This review was a bit rushed, and once again I apologize for keeping you waiting.

Score: 6.3/10