Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32220947-20151111000714/@comment-27012445-20151111061449

The story really didn't go anywhere for me. You adequately summed up everything we needed to know right from the start: the two were very close and there's something about the relationship that's odd in a way that one is either a ghost or in a coma. The remainder is a repeat of the plot over and over again with little payout at the end. On its own, I don't feel it works very well, but as an intro to a much larger plot, I think you could have something that has the emotional feeling you were going for.