Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20180831220106/@comment-9041013-20180906224900

Well, this was pretty good. Overall the tone of the story flows well, we get to deal with the smooth Jazz loving devil that suits the era of the Great Depression. Cool, he finally shows up and acts like the devil. About bloody time.

I do like each and every nod you gave to the more classic smooth, suit wearing, thirties kind of devil and his cult that you've made here. The way the people act around Scratch makes perfect sense, the way he acts makes perfect sense. The demonic coin is pretty neat too.

Good job on keeping up with the real life historical atmosphere of the time frame of your story as well, usually these things get kind of sidelined in stories around here, but you've kept on focusing on the idea of the racial segragation in America, MLK jr and this whole darker mood in American history. Props to you, my man.

I'd say the story is very long, I personally don't mind, because I enjoy it, some other people might turn it down for this reason, but length is up to you and if the pace remains the same - it's worth every last minute of reading.

This passage confused me though;

"Beale Street Blues Club - Memphis, TN – September 30, 1950

I have decided to make a stop in Tennessee, there seems to be a large Blues community here and maybe I can get pointed in the right direction. I have already asked a couple of people where to head to find the right scene and I am being told about a backdoor club downtown.

''I get the eye walking in, doubt they see many white men in places like this but I’m here for a job, not entertainment. Many of the artists here have heard the story of Robert Johnson and a few of them believe it. I have been told to look for an artist named Frank Stokes down in Mississippi. He used to be a regular here but he seems to have moved down to Clarksdale. He has been seen speaking to a man that resembles Scratch’s description.''

Brian searches for Beale Street on his map, finding it wasn’t that hard but the alley was more difficult. The buildings had changed after eighteen years and the place described in his father’s notes just didn’t exist anymore. This would make his mission more challenging, but not impossible. He began asking people who passed by, mainly the older crowd, if they had heard of this Blues Club. Some people ignored his questions entirely, some had no idea what he was talking about, and others seemed to be angry he even asked. The whole task was frustrating and after about an hour of bad luck he found a bench to rest his feet."

The tenses there are a tad confusing, is this whole passage a part of the diary of Rick or is it also Brian's POV? clerify this please. I couldn't get over the third person point of view, then first person point of view, then I don't know what else and then again third person point of view.

Make sure that everything is in tip top order because the choice to distinguish between different realities in the story (the diarty text and the actual reality) can be confusing.

Also, the last paragraph is somewhat lackluster. You repeat how Brian escapes twice using two different wording sets, why? You've confused "Their" with "There" (I'm sure there are more such issues along with the story that I hadn't noticed, so proofread it) It's kind of rushed, to me, how from walking we suddenly get to driving. I don't know, I might be really tired and I might be just that slow at the moment, but I think this needs some fixing.

Overall, nothing too major but could use some cosmetic work....

Keep them coming, I really love the classic scent you've given this story.