Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26416562-20150608205652/@comment-25170312-20150608222405

REVENGE OF THE GINGERS!

I'm not sure how I feel about this pasta. My main complaint is that the family business isn't actually a business. Here's some other thoughts:

1. ''My mom then usually would call me down to the basement. I would get down to that room and usually find my mom smiling.'' - You use "usually" twice here. I'd get rid of the first one. It's not necessary.

2. Anyway, let's get back to the original conversation - I would change this. It's not a conversation, you're telling a story.

3. I shouldn't be getting off topic though - Again, I would change this. I understand that you're trying to give the information out of order so that it's not all obvious until later on, but you need to decide between classic storytelling and casual retelling. Can't have it both ways.

4. "We would" is used too much. Try changing one or two to "We'd".

5. There's a lot of tense issues. Make sure everything is in the past. But also, things that happened often should be communicated as such. Example: "My mom told me to go outside of the room" should be "My mom would tell me to go outside of the room" because it was a common occurance.