Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31532017-20161130072138/@comment-24101790-20161206050941

"These creatures refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a well-fitting name if you ask me." Once again, an issue present in your other story which is present here, is that you tend not to explain your ideas or go in-depth with them to strengthen a theme. Why doesn't this entity view humans as a fitting name? What name would it give them that it finds more appropriate? Look at this line for example: "Quite notorious for their violence among others and (towards) their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence, I'll have to admit." What is the narrator conceding to, that humans are prone to violence? Generally the use of the phrase, "I have to admit" generally implies that someone is conceding a point. ("While most people disliked the explosion-riddled movie, I have to admit that I liked the fast-paced action")

The sudden interest factor really doesn't help much either. ("But ponder for a second, why am I so interested in them all of a sudden?") What brought about this change in the first place? I assume this is an eternal entity who has been watching humans for eons. Why shift from this attitude of decrying them as hairless apes prone to violence to storytellers capable of rivaling the existence of God? Connecting these two dots and explaining it might build upon this character and idea.

Another thing is, I'm not sure of the audience the protagonist is addressing. It feels off. Lines like "Brothers, sisters please control your childish attitude. You know what I'm capable of, right?" implies that they're talking down to someone and using threats of violence/response to subdue them, but when it's followed by "Not an impressive feat you might say, but take a closer look at their writings." seem to really muddle who the speaker is targeting. Is he speaking to equals who they're trying to convince of a point or is he chiding children?

In the end I don't know if this approach/method of story-telling is the most effective. Something like: "Best part is, they're eager to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and impress others alike." would feel a lot more impactful if the audience were experiencing it rather than this faceless entity musing on it without really injecting a personal element into it. It's the effect of telling and not showing. You can tell an audience what to feel, but without that demonstrative component, it's hard to convey a point.

Additionally the ending "I wouldn't be too harsh though. Being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all." seems a bit too much like a twist that's being shoe-horned in. If you're drawing a comparison to the horrors that humans inflict on their creations, wouldn't it be more effective to assume that this creator is doing the same and not even mention that it's fiction (as fiction typically describes imaginary events and people). It tends to create this disconnect where you go from implying that they're influencing the reality of other things ("Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another. I believe all of you have heard about it at least once.") and then to say it's fictitious ("Being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.") kind of undermines what you're going for.

As someone who's written a few stories with similar themes, I think that this approach has some issues that need to be addressed. Best of luck.