Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25458443-20140929014241/@comment-25458443-20141003180025

Fatal Disease wrote: I'm going to critique it because it was a fast read.

It uses the same topic that people already use in stories like you're trying to accomplish.

The questions you are asking the reader feels like a never-ending ride, and it turns me away because I don't understand your wording. It goes from talking about the human brain to stuff that I have no clue why you're saying it at all. It goes from "Does your subconscious want to be called upon?" to "Do you like it when someone speaks you name and asks for demands?" and "Do we all want to be told to do things by family?"

Next, we have the grammar structure. I feel that you didn't proof read your story at all, and that you were more anxious about posting the story on the site than working on it. Sentences like "It is normal in a story of triumph, or of terror, or of anything to wonder who the speaker is." should be "It is normal in a story of triumph, terror, and things that makes anyone wonder who the speaker is." No no no... the line is saying that in a story about triumph, a story about terror, or a story about anything,  the reader will wonder who the speaker is.