Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26346733-20150429020157/@comment-25037895-20150429023938

My advice:


 * 1) Still groggy from my ample four hours of sleep I'm guessing there is a sarcastic nature to this sentence, but I'm thinking the story would be better without it, sarcastic or not. It detracts from the story a little bit.
 * 2) I headed towards the elevator, my forearm extended ready to press the press Wording issues. Take out "ready" and "the press".
 * 3) One (Once) I climbed to the fourth floor
 * 4) One I climbed to the fourth floor, and after catching my breath, I greeted my superior as well as my fellow police officers that got to the scene before me: Charlie, who's been in the force for well over thirty years by now, Mason, a rookie on his third case, and Ursula, my co-detective and the only female among us. This is a giant run-on sentence. I think it could easily be broken up into two sentences.
 * 5) The sight before me sickened me Repeated the word "me" this sentence should be re-worded.
 * 6) covering the elevator floor and the most part of the walls I think this a good sentence to re-word for a more descriptive phrase. Its a little lackluster.
 * 7) 'The criminal, said the chief Punctuation issue. This should be in quotation marks, not apostrophes.
 * 8) 'What kind of creature could make such horror...', Again, needs to be in quotation marks, also the comma is erroneous.
 * 9) continued the chief, that the criminal Spacing issue.
 * 10) floor out their way out. Wording issue. Repeated the word "out".
 * 11) Imagine knowing that you're going to die as soon as the elevator doors open? I would think about re-wording this sentence. It suggests, in a way, that the victim saw the murder coming while in the elevator. Which, according to the previous description, the victim wouldn't see the murder coming up until the point the doors opened. The next three or four sentences could be taken out even. Or, possibly re-worded so they are more directed at the main character's view, and not the victim.

That's a good conclusion in my opinion, it ties together the story very well. There's also a reference to earlier in the story. That was pulled-off well. All the apostrophes in this need to be changed to quotation marks. There's a few sentences here and there that seem over-simplified, which fits the straight-forward nature of a police investigation, yet, I feel like the word choice is weak in some parts. Try to go through and replace the words/phrases that are common.