Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26285493-20151018222543/@comment-26007602-20151019214920

Alright, this really needs a touch up on grammar. There are multiple tense issues, run on sentences, incomplete sentence fragments, capitalization issues, awkward phrasing, and punctuation errors. Due to the length of the story I can't list every single one, so you're going to need to put this through some word processor and comb through it to find the mistakes. This needs to be addressed as it seriously damages the literary value of the story.

I must admit that I didn't read the entirety of the story, as coupled with the grammatical issues, it hits every single video game cliche and isn't interesting to read. There's no build up to the mother and sisters murders, and their deaths leave no impact on the reader, or even affect the story very much. You need to build up a character before you kill them off or it will turn out very shallow like it is here.

I reckoned you read over the cliche list and try to recognize which ones your stories hits, as there are quite a few. This story just doesn't have a lot going for it. There's nothing interesting reading about this guy playing Half Life, especially since you stop every few sentences to explain something arbitrary, like who a character is or what the lore of the game is. The people who decide to read a Half Life creepypasta will know the basics of Half Life, so there's no need to explain every little detail.

Admittedly, I don't have any real suggestions for improvement beyond becoming aware of the video gaming cliches and touching up the grammar, as I didn't finish the story. I apologize for that. Perhaps another reader can offer more input.