Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26444401-20160108013120/@comment-27320204-20160109202610

Mikemacdee wrote: This was written and submitted without any proofreading. Passages like "she saw the seventeen-year-old version of me that was not the sixteen-year-old version of me and that version died when I was 18.5 years old" are confusing to read. Passages like "probable was it was an hour away" are impossible to decipher: are you trying to say "Probably because" or "Problem was"?

There's zero investment in the characters: I neither know nor care who the hell these two girls are, nor why they would arbitrarily want to go back to this water park that has no bearing on the plot whatsoever. There's zero tension, and 90% of the story appears to be padding leading up to a "shock" ending that comes completely out of nowhere. There's no indication that the person in the photos is the stalker boyfriend, or the old man who gave them the ride, or whoever. Even if there was, there's no reason to find it chilling because we care as little about them as we do the girls. This really is an example of "and then a skeleton popped out!"

Read more horror fiction to see how it's done. And please don't upload stories you didn't bother to proofread: you should be re-reading and editing every story you write for at least a week before submitting to other people, not conceiving them in the submission box and clicking "send" as soon as you reach the end. The people who visit the writer's workshop are here to help you improve your writing, not do all your editing for you. I Know what you're trying to say to her/him. But Creepypasta Wiki is really rude sometimes. Go easy on him/her.