Talk:The Gorgon's Smile/@comment-24040907-20150120000647

(Review transfered from the original page in the Writer's Workshop)

This one is really good. The first act was a very fast paced summary of the events of the previous story. I was able to breeze by this with ease, because I read the prequel. I can see how this might cause confusion at first for some readers, but the premise and setup are pretty simple, so it isn’t too much of a problem. I’m glad you did put in the prologue summary, though, otherwise those readers may not have any idea what’s going on xD



The first act was interesting. I felt like I could really get lost in this fantastical world. As paranormal activity and other creepy happenings began to increase in pace, I could feel the dread building up. As I’ve said before, the sense of isolation that comes with living all alone in the middle of nowhere can really drive one mad.



The second act (starting with the introduction of Timothy, and the unraveling of the house’s mysteries) was interesting, and at times pretty funny. I like this Timothy character. At first I thought that he was going to be an antagonist, but I was pleasantly surprised at how his character developed.



The third act (The conversation between Darcy and Bernie) was my favorite. I literally couldn’t stop smiling, it was so nice. I got a kick out of Bernie’s introduction. At first you make the readers afraid, as they slowly realize they’re not looking at snakes, and then boom adopted cousin, not at all a monster! Nice work.



I can’t tell which I like more, Bernie or Darcy. One thing is certain, if this ever becomes a movie, Darcy needs to be played byMichael Socha. Without a shred of a doubt, he needs to be. The way the character speaks and acts are so similar to Michael’s signature style. Pretty rad.



I liked the way everything tied together in the end. I’m genuinely interested to see what happens next. It seems as though Malender d' Macàbre is going to have his hands full, what with everyone going on a journey to seek his aid.



Concerning Grammar:



The only errors in this one involve missing words.



<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 1 You wrote: “It seemed to a window in an oak tree”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Add “be” after “to” and before “a”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 3 You wrote: “I keep wondering that skeleton I’ve found”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Add “about” after “wondering” and before “that”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 3 You wrote: “Yes, well a lot cats seem to like me”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Should be “Yes, well, a lot of cats seem to like me.”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 4 You wrote: “You'd be surprised at the stuff that people leave behind her”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">“her” should be “here”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 5 You wrote: "what you expect the interior of a hollow tree to smell like.”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">“you” should be past-tense, “you’d”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter 5 You wrote: “Moving silently as possible, he clambered into the gap.”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Add “as” after “Moving” and before “silently”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Chapter You 5 wrote: “Darcy looked at him in astonishment. "What?" You learned some Oriental mystical powers to escape from prison?"”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Remove the unnecessary quotation mark after “”What?”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">You’ll have to let me know when the next one comes out. I’ll try to review it faster. Thanks for waiting, I’m looking forward to seeing this one on the main Wiki.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Also, don’t worry about the story being “too long”. In the words of one Mr. Weinstein, “Patience, sonny. You can't rush a great story”

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Rating 7.6/10