Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-4893169-20160223234242/@comment-4849011-20160328003007

Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not a mad scientist. ;-) I agree with Nathaniel.  If they choose not to read your stories, that's their loss because they're missing out on awesome stories.

I've read the first three chapters and I'm enjoying it so far. For instance, I had only planned to review two chapters today, but I just had to read the third too.

Chapter 1
 * Why did he eagerly ventured into this unpredictable weather when he could have stayed home by a nice crackling fire, and let someone else take the risk of fetching a good plumber.- Why did he eagerly venture into this unpredictable weather when he could have stayed home by a nice crackling fire, and let someone else take the risk of fetching a good plumber.
 * A thoroughly soaked Pascal was squatting next the pile, trying to mop up the water streaming underneath.- A thoroughly soaked Pascal was squatting next to the pile, trying to mop up the water streaming underneath.
 * She halted at the top of the stairs.

“Hustle, hustle, people,” she hollered. “We need more buckets and sponges!”- She halted at the top of the '''stairs. “Hustle,''' hustle, people,” she hollered. “We need more buckets and sponges!”
 * “Well, I guess they’ll do,” Twicky said with a shrug, “better give them to Pascal then. If anyone’s in desperate need of towels, it’s him.”- “Well, I guess they’ll do,” Twicky said with a shrug. “Better give them to Pascal then. If anyone’s in desperate need of towels, it’s him.”
 * “Oh, hi Tris,” he said, quickly whipping the blanket behind him. He ruffled his feathers in embarrassment.- “Oh, hi, Tris,” he said, quickly whipping the blanket behind him. He ruffled his feathers in embarrassment.
 * Pascal grimaced in disgust. “It’s suppose to be a dam,” he muttered.- Pascal grimaced in disgust. “It’s supposed to be a dam,” he muttered.

Chapter 2 Chapter 3
 * Gregory out down his jack knife, and gave her a sour look.- Gregory put down his jack knife, and gave her a sour look.
 * Oh, no! thought Gregory in despair. Not another treasure map! Can’t we ever have a day without surprises and silliness?- “Silliness” should be italicized too (unless you’re trying to emphasize it)
 * “Don’t ask,” Gregory set the mallet back on the worktable and slumped down in his chair.- “Don’t ask.” Gregory set the mallet back on the worktable and slumped down in his chair.
 * “Well,” said Pascal resignedly, “ guess he can use my blanket then. I won’t be needing it at the moment.”- My computer shows there’s an extra space because between the quotation mark and the word guess, but it might be mistaken.
 * “There’s no reason to whisper?”- “There’s no reason to whisper!”
 * “We don’t have a lot a potpourri!” argued Gregory, “and why bother wearing protective clothing when our scent’s just going to go right through them anyway!”- “We don’t have a lot a potpourri!” argued Gregory. “And why bother wearing protective clothing when our scent’s just going to go right through them anyway?!”
 * “You’re right,” agreed Tris, “I wonder what can we use to hide our scent?”- “You’re right,” agreed Tris. “I wonder what can we use to hide our scent.”
 * “And anyway, Twicky wouldn’t make such lout snorting noises!”- “And anyway, Twicky wouldn’t make such loud snorting noises!”
 * “Whoa, relax neighbor,” said an elderly Growlzer, helping him to his feet.- “Whoa, relax, neighbor,” said an elderly Growlzer, helping him to his feet.
 * “I did?” spluttered Pierard, then quickly composing himself.- “I did?” spluttered Pierard, before quickly composing himself. Or “I did?” spluttered Pierard, then quickly composed himself.
 * “Did it happened to have green tusks,” inquired the sorcerer, Zeph Nesbit.- “Did it happen to have green tusks?” inquired the sorcerer, Zeph Nesbit.
 * “Now I wouldn’t say it’s fixed, it’s just not spouting up a storm anymore.”- “Now I wouldn’t say it’s fixed; it’s just not spouting up a storm anymore.”
 * “Sorry, but when it comes to magically making household repairs, I’m afraid I’m insufficiently versed on the subject, ” informed Zeph.- My computer shows there’s an extra space because between “subject,” and the quotation mark, but it might be mistaken.
 * “Congratulation, you just won first prize!”- “Congratulations, you just won first prize!”
 * “Yes, by the time I found out about it. It was already crawling into one of Pierard’s ears.”- “Yes. By the time I found out about it, it was already crawling into one of Pierard’s ears.”
 * “You really got to learn how to lighten up, Greg.

You’ll get thin and your fur will fall out in patches unless you stop being so lily-livered and worrisome.”- “You really got to learn how to lighten up, '''Greg. You’ll''' get thin and your fur will fall out in patches unless you stop being so lily-livered and worrisome.”
 * “It sure as hork not in that trash pile you’re rooting through now.”- “It sure as hork’s not in that trash pile you’re rooting through now.” Or “It sure as hork is not in that trash pile you’re rooting through now.”
 * “I’m not saying it has to be books,” replied Tris, “it could be something else.”- “I’m not saying it has to be books,” replied Tris. “It could be something else.”
 * “You’re suppose to keep it padlocked, and suspended by a chain from a crooked beam in an empty room.”- “You’re supposed to keep it padlocked, and suspended by a chain from a crooked beam in an empty room.”
 * Tris didn’t hear him, she was too ecstatic. Somewhere in this mass of hoarded knowledge was a bag of treasure(golden trinkets hopefully) hidden away in some hollowed-out book.- Tris didn’t hear him; she was too ecstatic. Somewhere in this mass of hoarded knowledge was a bag of treasure (golden trinkets hopefully) hidden away in some hollowed-out book.
 * “Hhhmmm,” she said, flipping through the yellowed pages. “Interesting, I wonder if it has something on how mummies were made?”- “Hhhmmm,” she said, flipping through the yellowed pages. “Interesting. I wonder if it has something on how mummies were made.”
 * “I think I’ll try another, only this time, one with less pictures.”- “I think I’ll try another, only this time, one with fewer pictures.”
 * Gregory followed whispering nervously.

“Tris,” he hissed. “We done enough ransacking today; there’s no evidence that Twicky’s common thief!”- Gregory followed whispering '''nervously. “Tris,”''' he hissed. “We’ve done enough ransacking today; there’s no evidence that Twicky’s a common thief!”
 * Her mainmast was splintered in half by a broadside, her outnumbered Elfin crew were desperately fighting to repel a swarm of boarding pirates, heaving grappling irons, grenades, and sulphur stink bombs.- Her mainmast was splintered in half by a broadside; her outnumbered Elfin crew were desperately fighting to repel a swarm of boarding pirates, heaving grappling irons, grenades, and sulphur stink bombs.
 * Noticing her friend flat on his back, trembling, she said. “Really Greg, the fuss you make.”- Noticing her friend flat on his back, trembling, she said. “Really, Greg, the fuss you make.”
 * Gregory didn’t answer, he just laid on the floor groaning.- Gregory didn’t answer; he just laid on the floor groaning.
 * Gregory glared up at her.

“Oh fine, just fine,” he said sarcastically.- Gregory glared up at '''her. “Oh''' fine, just fine,” he said sarcastically.

Suggested Changes

Chapter 1
 * “There’s more sheets in that linen closet next to the bathroom,” said Twicky, dodging other helpers mopping and sponging.- “There are more sheets in that linen closet next to the bathroom,” said Twicky, dodging other helpers mopping and sponging.
 * “But Twicky,” Pascal insisted. “I don’t think sheets or anything else is going to help alleviate this situation!”- “But Twicky,” Pascal insisted, “I don’t think sheets or anything else is going to help alleviate this situation!”
 * “Oh, very well!” Cheryl replied huffily. “C’mon everybody, we got a shut-off valve to find.”- “Oh, very well!” Cheryl replied huffily. “C’mon, everybody; we got a shut-off valve to find.”
 * “No wait…don’t tell me!” she started grinning mischievously.- “No wait…don’t tell me!” She started grinning mischievously.
 * “Yes, I quite agree,” he said patiently, “it’s crude and leaky, but what do expect when you’re in a hurry and the only materials you have to work with are towels and dish rags.”- “Yes, I quite agree,” he said patiently. “It’s crude and leaky, but what do expect when you’re in a hurry and the only materials you have to work with are towels and dish rags?”

Chapter 2
 * “Look, can’t this wait?” he said impatiently, “I got a faucet to fix.”- “Look, can’t this wait?” he said impatiently. “I got a faucet to fix.”

Chapter 3 The clouds at the beginning reminded me of the Grimm's tale "The Fisherman and His Wife", in which the sky/weather became darker and more ominous the more power hungry the wife became. At first I thought the magic book was just a flip book, but then came the stinking smoke and the cannonball and I thought, "Oh, it really is magic!" I liked the description of the cannonball making the page bulge, and how that guy wasn't fooled by the illusion because he could smell through the trick. Wow, Tris should not have opened that second book! Maybe she's more daft than she thought, huh? Well, that's all for tonight!
 * Gregory shrugged. “Who knows, maybe they’re all asleep? Maybe she’s trying out some new magical defense that specializes in attack book.”- I honestly don’t understand what this means. Could you explain?
 * “Really, Tris,” said Gregory with a sigh. “Is that really your intention? Exposing Twicky as some criminal mastermind or are you really after the heap of treasure which Gresham reportedly stole from the various museums and temples around the world?”- “Really, Tris,” said Gregory with a sigh, “is that really your intention? Exposing Twicky as some criminal mastermind, or are you really after the heap of treasure which Gresham reportedly stole from the various museums and temples around the world?”
 * “Oh come off it, Greg,” said Tris aggrievedly.- “Oh, come off it, Greg,” said Tris aggrievedly.