Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24996913-20140811072625/@comment-25226524-20140812011207

Well, I just wrote out my review, and when I clicked reply, it just vanished. I'm gonna' give it another shot.

First off, I need to let you know that I'm sick and on a pretty heavy dose of cough syrup right now. That being said, I was a little confused by this one. It's very well written, as usual, but I struggled to bring it all together.

I got the OCD concept, but the "ritual/rituals" seemed to bounce between a singular event that the story was based on and an all encompassing condition involving multiple random acts. This could just be my brain fog.

I assume the narrator was hallucinating when he was talking to the children, but I'm not sure if it works in such close context to him going down to see the bodies. I think he needs to go do something else before he snaps back to reality.

It just seems to me that, even though he's delusional, cognitive dissonance would have caught up to him if these two events happened this close together. Also, I wouldn't have him physically touch the children as he did. The reader may have trouble maintaing their suspension of disbelief with his hallucinations. Seeing people is one thing, grabbing them is another.

I'd like to reiterate that my mind isn't 100% right now, so I may not be the best one to be handing out advice. I would definitely get some other opinions on this one. It may come together perfectly for them.

To sum up, the prose is great. I love psychological horror like this, and I think there's a great story in there. I just think some of the confusion needs to be cleared up(if it even exists).

P.S. This is simple, but it stuck out to me. I think it would sound better if you used the word "controllers" instead of "remote controllers"