Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25226524-20150219201817

I just ran. I had no other instinct except just to run as fast as I could for as long as I could. I realized it was a stupid move after the first couple miles or so, when I remembered that I lived about twenty miles from any other civilization. I stopped to catch my breath and make sure Snaps was alright (Snaps got her name from the shelter workers because she would snap at anyone who tried to touch her toys; she still maintains this habit). The little dog could've been miles ahead of me, but she was loyal and had no intentions of leaving her old man behind. I took some leaves and wiped her off the best I could, but she was still quite a sight--covered in the gritty aftermath of whatever that thing had expelled on her soft and silky coat.

I guess I should back up.

I'd been noticing this thing stalking around the house right before dark, just on the edge of the yard. It would walk the perimeter until I could no longer make out its outline. At first I just thought it was some old stray dog wishing I might leave some scraps on the front porch, but I soon changed my mind. I decided to set up a game camera at the edge of the woods, the kind hunters and wildlife people use to get glimpses of what kind of animals are in the area. Well, I got a glimpse of something alright; the thing that showed up on the memory card nearly had me buying the next plane ticket to anywhere but here.

It was much larger than I had thought; I made sure to put the meat I left as bait on a stool so I could judge its size by comparison. It was closer to the size of a half-grown horse. After seeing the pictures of that thing, I decided it was time to arm-up and made plans to head into town the next morning to buy some special shells for my twelve gauge. I should've left that night.

The next morning I woke up to all sorts of commotion out in the hall, and my bedroom door was swiftly busted down. The thing was out of control, sliding and skidding all across the wood floors. I was caught off guard, so I had to take a second to gather my thoughts, but as I did, things got even more chaotic. This thing just started vomiting all over the place. That's right, just spewing the contents of its bowels anywhere it saw fit. First it ran over to the closet and sprayed all of my clothes before turning towards my dresser. The junk coming out of its mouth smelled something awful and looked like it was mostly blood and some other chunks I'd rather not think about. It jump against the side of the dresser until it came tumbling down, then vomited all over it as well. I was to my feet by this time, and to my horror, it jumped up on the bed and did a number there too. Snaps was throwing a holy hell fit, and I was scared she was gonna' jump the thing and end up becoming more ammo for it to fire off on all my stuff.

I snatched Snaps up and started down the hall to my gun-room when the thing went barreling by me. It ran into the gun-room ahead of me and started raising cain in a way that would've made the Gremlins proud. By the time I got to the room, which was about five seconds later, the thing had completely demolished the place. It looked like a tiny tornado had dropped down and decided to spin-puke everywhere while it trashed the entire room. My gun-rack was in a million pieces and most of my guns were broken in half. I saw my old twelve gauge was still leaning in the corner behind some of the rubble, so I started towards it. Apparently, this thing was well aware of what guns were, because when I started towards it, it jumped in front of it and growled this high pitched rumble that I could only assume was a severe threat. Its lips pulled back and its mouth opened revealing a maw filled with what more resembled shards of glass than teeth. Needless to say, I wrote the gun off as a lost cause and started towards the kitchen, with Snaps still in hand, to grab my car keys and book it to anywhere that didn't have rabid creatures vomiting all over the place.

As I neared the kitchen, here it came again--thrashing down the hall until it passed me. It scurried into the kitchen ahead of me and started producing another spray of what I could only assume was an endless supply of filth straight from the pits of hell. It hit the fridge, the counters, the sink, and anything else that happened to be in the splash zone. It saw the keys at the same time I did, and before I could take the two required steps needed to snatch them up, it managed to coat them in a nice steaming layer of gut juice. What it didn't expect was that I was by this point, desperate. I took the two steps I needed to be in reach, but this thing was on another level of readiness. It snatched the keys a full second before I got there and swallowed them like they were a baby aspirin.

At this point I was running low on options and optimism, so I did what any sane person would do in a moment like this--I decided to try to fight it (yeah, that sane part was sarcasm). I was luckily within arm's length of my knife set containing a nice little Japanese-steel butcher's knife. I snatched it and let Snaps down so I could fight with both hands--this was a mistake. Snaps started barking faster than a Loony Toons pup and this seemed to throw the thing into a frenzy. It started making its own barks, if you could call them that--they sounded more like a screaming child in the middle of a terrible two's tantrum. When it realized Snaps wasn't backing down, it decided to give her a nice puke bath which didn't sit well with either of us.

Snaps ran out of the room whimpering and shaking off the sludge like she'd just gotten through swimming in the lake, and I decided I'd had enough. I lunged at the thing with the knife, which it seemed to almost enjoy as it simply bit down on the blade and ripped it out of my hand. I can't be certain, but I would almost bet that I saw the thing smile at this point. When I realized I had no business going head to head with this monster, I turned and ran full throttle towards the front door, scooping Snaps up as quickly as I could. I slammed the door open and started sprinting as fast as my tired old legs would go and had no plans of stopping. I looked back to see if the thing was following us, and to my surprise it just stopped about ten yards off the front porch. Then the most horrifying thing to happen so far on that day (and that's saying something) slid into my my senses as I looked back at the beast--it was laughing. It was barely audible, and it was real hoarse, like an old smoker's laugh, but I swear I heard it.

I decided that even if it wasn't going to follow me that I wanted to be as far away from this hell-spawn as I could get. I ran for a couple more miles until remembering that I lived out in the sticks, half a days journey on foot to the next closest house. After resting for a while and cleaning Snaps up the best I could, I decided I had to at least get back in sight of the house to see if the thing had left.

As I approached the edge of the woods at the perimeter of my yard, I sat down and held Snaps in my lap and just watched. I didn't see any movement, nor did I hear a sound aside from the slight breeze and some crows screaming off in the distance. I watched for another half hour before I decided to make my move towards the house. I figured the worst that would happen is if the thing was still in there, it would just run out and try to scare me away again since that seemed to be its main objective during our last ordeal. The front door was still open and I decided to let Snaps go in and investigate. The thing was obviously very dangerous, but it for some reason hadn't done us any real harm other than making us smell like deep-fried carrion.

I listened as I eased inside, not hearing a peep out of Snaps. I entered into what appeared to be the theater of WW3. The place was all splinters and bile. The thing had ripped everything off the walls and out of the cupboards before dowsing them with its marking matter. Then I got a pang of nervousness deep in my gut as the possibility entered my brain--was this thing marking its territory? I would've never thought such a bizarre thought, but it had literally emptied out everything in the kitchen, and all the other rooms for that matter, and gave everything I owned a nice slimy coating.

After a thorough search of the house, I convinced myself that the thing had gone. I started cleaning the best I could, stacking the majority of my belongings in a nice pile in the front yard to later be dispatched with as much gasoline as I could round up. There was no way I was ever going to use a utensil or wear a pair of underwear that that thing had managed to soak.

It took the better part of the day, up into late evening to get the place even close to livable. After taking out everything that wasn't tied down, I brought in the water hose and just started spraying the whole place down. There really was no other option at this point, so I just sprayed and mopped, sprayed and mopped. About the time dark started rolling around, I decided the rest could wait until tomorrow. I set the pile of my old life on fire as my last attempt to right the wrongs of the day. It went up in a blaze that was almost satisfying--a fresh start in a way. I took a shower, with Snaps at my feet, and then headed to bed.

I'd already snatched the shotgun and cleaned it up the best I could, and was keeping it nearby at all times, so I just laid it on the bed beside me, and Snaps laid on the other. I just laid there staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the heck had actually happened. That's when I heard the front door open.

My heart started pounding away as I jumped up and grabbed the gun, instantly switching the safety off. I harshly whispered for Snaps to get over beside me as I backed up to the opposing wall away from the now door-less doorway. Aiming the shotgun right about where the thing's head would be if it came through the door--I waited. I heard the distinct noise of claws on hardwood and I held my breath as the clicking got closer to my room. It slowly walked into the opening and just stood there, staring at me, with what appeared to be a menacing grin that would've shamed the prince of darkness himself.

As it started into the room I decided I'd had enough and pulled the trigger while aiming the little brass bead right between its eyes--click! Of all times to have a dead shell. I thought about looking up to the sky and asking why, but my attention was recaptured by the same snickering laughter I'd heard this morning. The thing was laughing like an old gold prospector after seeing some young buck cough and gag from his first shot of white lightning. It was really amused with the situation. As it inched closer, still gasping out its raspy guffawing, I shucked another shell into the chamber. I lowered the bead, again aiming right between the eyes of--whatever this was. I squeezed the trigger, but before the ear ringing concussion sounded, I swear I heard it whisper: "It's all mine."

As the gun recoiled, Snaps started going berserk and I watched as the thing (minus half its head) kicked and thrashed all over the floor. When the smoke cleared and Snaps quieted her barking, I began to hear a sizzling noise. It was coming from the thing. I leaned over it and it appeared that its skin was bubbling. I jumped back in horror, not knowing what to make of what I was seeing. Then the most horrifying thing of all happened (keep in mind the events of the day)--it started to change forms.

As it twitched and convulsed like an epileptic at a strobe-light convention, its skin began to just fade away, like it was floating off in the air. I leaned over to get a better look and I truly wish I hadn't. The thing that had been stalking me for weeks, the thing that had trashed my house and marked everything I own with its vomit, the thing that had me running away from the house like a scared little school boy, was none other than my ex-wife. It was hard to tell at first with half of her head missing, but after my mind got past the impossibility of the whole thing, there was no denying it was her.

We'd been divorced for about six months, and I hadn't heard from her since the papers were signed. She was unhappy to say the least, especially considering I got everything due to her little white powder addiction. Last I heard from a mutual friend was that her daddy was funding a trip to Egypt and other parts of the middle east to try to take her mind off of things. She'd always been obsessed with Egypt and its ancient culture, but I didn't share this interest in the least.

Don't ask me how this happened, or what on God's green earth she was, but that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth--just like I tried to tell the judge. Apparently he'd heard this one before, because he had a smile on his face when he gave me twenty-five to forty years for first-degree murder. Apparently hosing down your whole house and burning all of your belongings doesn't look too good from a jury's perspective.

---

So here I am, on the bottom bunk of this freezing cell with my "roommate" Shank. He's a member of some biker gang called The Devil's Sons, and he really gets a kick out of hearing me tell this story. Snaps lives with my parents in South Carolina and won't go outside by herself from what they tell me. She still snaps at them when they try to touch her toys though.

''Now neither of us get the house or the dog! You happy honey?!'' 