Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24101790-20140921145456/@comment-25226524-20140921180255

Well I don't see anything wrong with your portrayal of the character. I would say it's a pretty accurate description of what many of the more enlightened soldiers go through. I really don't see anything that needs to be improved. The flow and descriptive work are on point. The metaphorical work is stellar. You did a great job at making the character someone I could empathize with.

In the 17th paragraph, this sentence seems to be missing something: We reminisced a little about and he asked again if I was all right.

Other than that, this story is pretty much flawless. It definitely drew me in. Good work.

P.S. I don't think there's anything wrong with that title. I think you could put something before it like something something, a soldier's diary. For some reason, the title The Thin Grey Line, A Soldier's Diary just came to me. Grey referring to the grey area of collateral damage in war time, and also the color of ash. He crossed the grey line, and there was no turning back. Just something I thought of. No need to use it, just wanted to throw it out there.