Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25825682-20150408043526/@comment-26027963-20150414125747

The Terror Beneath Review, Part One

This went from the beginning, to his mom promising to stop the sessions.

O = Optional

1) When listing, put a comma in between words on the list, for instance, cold, fine sand instead of cold fine sand.

2) Put a comma down any time you could start a new sentence. For instance Entranced by the waters reflection, as if following an image instead of Entranced by the waters reflection as if following an image. Here's all the sentences with this problem.

2a)and faced the bright sand beach vs and faced the bright, sand beach.

2b)facing the ground as his crop-cut vs facing the ground, as his crop-cut.

2c) hit the concrete walk and looked over vs hit the concrete walk, and looked over. O

2d) conveyed bushing a fringe vs conveyed, brushing a fringe.

2e) bench and said vs  bench, and said.

2f) her arms and looked vs her arms, and looked. O

2g) from the bench putting his hands vs  from the bench, putting his hands.

2h) remarked turning and walking vs ''remarked, turning and walking

2i) sudden shock and walked vs sudden shock, and walked. O

2j) toward him with force vs toward him, with force.

2k) at her annoyed vs at her, annoyed.

2l) to relax and then look vs to relax, and then look.

2m) she promised putting her vs she promised, putting her.

3) Here's a list of sentences that don't make sense.

3a)Entranced by the waters reflection, as if following an image, she moved slowly forwards.

3aa)Would an "image" actually move? I don't think it would.

That's my part one review, I'll be doing one part a day, unless I'm too busy.