Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-7673575-20181126012244/@comment-35911608-20181126051140

DrBobSmith wrote: RedNovaTyrant,

Here is my review.


 * English

Is this supposed to be UK or US English? It seems mixed.

1 - I was more in tune with reality than most children my age, and naturally I questioned silly things more than most.

Should there be a comma after naturally? Can you phrase "and naturally?" Somehow it feels awkward to me. Even "so" might work.

2 - Naturally they’d claim ignorance, saying it wasn’t them, but I still just went with what made sense to me.

Should there be a comma after naturally?

3 - This time, surely, I would catch my dad or mom in the act of stowing those wonderful presents under the tree, and at least then they’d let me in on the truth.

This sentence feels awkward in two places. "This time, surely" and "those wonderful." I think you can divide the sentence at the "and."

4 - Then, slowly, he took back his hand, and extended it back out towards me in a shaky manner.

Is the comma after hand necessary?

5 - Three times in five sentences you use a repeated letter with a dash to indicate shakiness. It's kind of overkill. I was also told this isn't good style. You can indicate the nervousness another way.

6 - He started drifting towards the deeper, hearty voice stereotypically associated with Kris Kringle, but I wasn’t fooled.

Consider "He started drifting towards the deep voice stereotypically associated with Kris Kringle, but I wasn’t fooled."

7 - I am confused by "I couldn’t see his face, but I’m certain it matched mine." Why does Eddie's face match that of the protagonist? Why would Eddie even guess that it did if he couldn't see it? There's also something awkward about the sentence. I keep getting my brain stuck on it. Were you trying to say that it was the same guy who was in the room?

8 - Regardless, I began to step backwards to the hall, and the man gave me a tip of the hat before walking to the fireplace of the room.

Should it be backwards or backward?

9 - A massive bony hand spawned from the fire, with pieces of fur and skin draped over it.

This sentence is somewhat confusing. Why spawned? The word doesn't fit. Does the arm or the fire have fur and skin on it?

10 - "Then the skull of what looked like a bull followed to match."

What does "to match" add to the sentence?

11 - Consider "This WAS your second chance, you fool. And you’ve wasted it.”

I would shorten this to "This WAS your second chance, and you’ve wasted it.”

12 - "Then came a noise I was not familiar with - it was a crunch, with a soft beginning and snapping finish. " The protagonist was familiar with the sound and identified it.


 * Story

I consider a creepypasta to be creepy and then horror. I would consider the horror to be clear, but not the creepy.

I don't know the age of the kid but he seems WAY too old to be interested in toys. What age did you envision? Maybe eight is right for "Is Santa Claus delivering presents" behavior. He doesn't sound eight.

What the heck is the monster? Is that Satan or Santa Claus? Is SANTA really SATAN? Is SATAN really SANTA? Horns fit Satan's cliche image, but the bull skull face doesn't. I will definitely work on making it flow better, probably gonna take your suggestions.

I was thinking preteen to young teen with the Nintendo mention, but I should probably be more specific with that.

The monster wasn't anything specific, wasn't really thinking about Satan in this case. I may consider making it more like a devil creature, but I feel I'd be leaning too cliche with that.

Thank you for the review.