Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-9041013-20180930033305/@comment-9041013-20180930091246

DrBobSmith wrote: I like it. The plot is a classic, definitely dating back to Twilight Zone. But you've got that Twilight Zone feeling. Setting it in what to us Americans is an exotic location helps.

The news report to summarize at the beginning or the end seems ... overused as a device. What does he see?

You can improve the language. " the sound of faint agonized moaning came through the speakers of his small vehicular radio device." Not clear. Does he have a small two-way radio in the car with him? Is he driving an American sized vehicle with a very small stereo? Is he driving a small Toyota with a normal radio for that vehicle?

I am guessing that vapor escaping was supposed to indicate death. For those of us who don't know the area he's driving in, we aren't surprised that it's below freezing. Well lovely.

I did improve the language, thank you for that. I found it somewhat nitpicky, but it was definitely helpful from you to point it out. On the subject of nitpickiness, you clearly missed the phrase "Judean Desert" in the story, which indicates it's not supposed to be below freezing, especially with a mention of him finding it weird that its "that cold during this time of the year". I did add some further inticators of the area being a hot place.

Still on the subject of nitpickiness, He saw he has blood coming out of his chest randomly. Now you can infer what this means about him (in combination with the reaction to cold and escaping bodily fluids in the form of a vapor). The story has a clear ending, hence the radio news report happening in his vehicle the moment he realises what he has become.