Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32641928-20170721111642/@comment-32641928-20170721163554

EmpyrealInvective wrote:

LizBritos1 wrote: To make this clear the way it is written was done on purpose. It meant to look like it was written by a person who doesn't say things like "aww Thanks, dad you didn't have too." but "I appreciate the gift but I assure you, you weren't required to buy me anything." She analyzes everything and will remember things like a number of pages in a book over what her father actually said to her. A lot of this is over-written, which makes the capitalization, punctuation, and wording errors even more noticeable. Lines like: "Being upset feels like it should be the right reaction, but I am sure that the combination of characteristics that make up my personality can be trying.", "I wanted to name her. I understand names are nothing but a word or set of words used to address or refer to others.", etc. tend to feel overly prose-y and don't really enhance the story much and tends to detract from the plot more than it adds.

Capitalization: You have a tendency to improperly capitalize words when utilizing dialogue. "real?” yes(Yes), I know that is quite irrational, but it was a fun thought.", "she (She) smiled much like she did within the dream", "mocking me “you (You) are you and I am you.”", "walk away “then (Then) this conversation is best terminated”", etc.

Punctuation: Punctuation missing before dialogue. "I wondered(,/:) “If I name you will you become real?”", "I inquired(,/:) “Who are you?”", " you?” Wording: "When I was complete, I looked at the book for some time", "walk away(,:/?.) “then this conversation is best terminated(.)”", etc. Punctuation left outside of dialogue. "“I am you”."

Punctuation cont.: There are a number of times you don't properly use punctuation. "I feel sorry for my father(comma missing) he has had to deal with me for so long.", "she laughs(comma missing) mocking me", "I ignored this going to my bedroom", "that night I dreamed of her again(,/.) this time she was much closer than before with brown water leaking from her mouth and eyes as she asked me many questions I didn't wish to answer.", etc.

Wording: "The next day should try to pull me into the room again, this time much stronger than before.", "Now, days later, I felt seen or heard from her once, I am assuming it was likely my imagination yet,", etc. You also have tensing issues in which you shift from past tense ("When I first heard this it surprised me, she was likely a figment of my imagination.") to present tense ("“if you are me, who am I?” she laughs mocking me"") and back to past tense ("it felt like she was trying to force me back into the room.") without much reason.

Repetition: There's a lot of redundancy here that weighs down the story flow. "At the time I assured my father I appreciated the gift but it was completely unnecessary. He assured me that he did it out of his own free will because he feels an intense feeling of deep affection for me. I assured him that I felt quite similar. He assured me that he did it out of his own free will because he feels an intense feeling of deep affection for me. I assured him that I felt quite similar."

Story issues: Formatting needs a lot of work here. First and foremost, your paragraphs need to be more broken up. A typical paragraph is five to ten sentences long. Any shorter and it feels like padding, any longer and it makes the text appear blocky. Additionally, dialogue between multiple speakers needs to be spaced out so two people don't have their dialogue on the same paragraph. This will help improve story flow and prevent issues of misattribution.

Story issues cont.: The story also needs quite a bit of work as it's told passively which sucks a lot of the tension/impact out of the story. Take the climax of the story for example: "I just set in the corner trying to ignore her as the room filled with her dark liquid. The next day should try to pull me into the room again, this time much stronger than before. Realizing this situation may get out of hand, I decided to destroy the picture of her and throw the book in the trash." This needs a lot more build-up and description if you're looking to make it effective.

Story issues end: The ending also feels a bit weak as wrapping it up with: "I am assuming it was likely my imagination yet, to be frank, I am not completely sure and the idea of this scares me. So I decided to share this with people as a way to get this situation out of my mind." just feels anti-climactic. Give reasons why the protagonist is unsure about the events, help the audience get invested in the story and give the plot a bit more punch at the end. I'm sorry, but in its current form, this story isn't up to quality standards and I think a lot of re-writing is in your future if you plan on posting it. ''Hello, My name is Jackie and I don't know what to do. I've tried to work this out in my head, but I can't focus. I tried to tell my family, but they wouldn't listen. All I need is for someone to listen to my story and help me out of this... Madness.''  It started like this…   On Monday, My dad surprised me with a gift, “Baby girl I got you a gift!” he said as he handed me a small book.



Smiling gently I thanked him “Thank you, you didn’t have to do this.” He pulled me into a hug and assured me that it was fine. I hugged him back and went to look at the book some more. At any other time, I would have put the book to the side, neglecting it as you would any unwanted gift but I couldn’t. My dad seemed so happy so I had to look at it some more at least for him.   My dad had been buying me many things at that time. It was due to my aunt’s suggestion that a hobby would help me open up more. It was a pocket-sized sketchbook. I sat and looked at the book for some time, the front of the book was black with some markings on the front. I assumed at the time that it was from some movie trying to capitalize on Twilight, but I am no longer sure of that.    As some time passed, I had the urge to draw in the book. It would be dishonest to say that the book is the reason I felt that way. Yet it would be fair to point out that I never really had the urge to draw before that point. So I drew a within the book. The picture was of a young girl within the water, she had a long flowing dress and long brown hair. I drew her with closed eyes because I wasn’t sure I would be capable of drawing them right. If she had, had eyes I would have made them blue. I had no clue why I drew the girl, but I have to admit I enjoyed my poor little drawing. At that time I wanted to name her, I know it is a bit silly since I would be the only one to see it but it felt right. I remember thinking “If I named you, would you become real?” I knew even at the time it was childish but I found it fun. That night I went to bed still thinking of a name. <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> It must have been bothering me more than I believed at that time since I dreamed of her. The girl sat on the floor in front of me, she had a smile on her face and would lightly tap her wet finger on the dirty floor. I tried to talk, but my voice was muted, I tried to walk to her but my legs were stuck. This was agony, I remember constantly struggling only for it to become harder. I cried out, but all that could be heard was the light tapping on the floor. <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Until… It stopped. That night I woke up on the floor, holding my pillow tightly in my arms and only one thing on my mind, the name Adeline. <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> ''I haven’t been able to get a good night of sleep since that night, It has been 2 days since then and I can swear I can see her. At first, it started with my dreams but now, I can hear her tapping, tapping, tapping her wet finger no matter when. I can’t describe how I feel it's like reality and fiction have all melted together in a constant never ending swarm of questions. Am I just going crazy? Is she real? Is it the book? Can anyone else hear that voice? I don’t know what to do, I tried to ask my dad but he thought I was joking and all I can do to avoid her is to keep my headphones on, but that is slowly becoming less useful. It is driving me mad and all I want is… Silence.''