Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-31548769-20170318233123/@comment-26399604-20170327161007

Hi OurJudgement,

I can relate to writing a story based off a dream. Coincidentally, that story happened to be my first one as well. I managed to take a short dream and turn it into a length story. With that said, let's take a look a yours. Although this is your first, I want to set you up for success, so please have thick skin. Your story had several areas with flaws. I'm only going to concentrate on plot elements rather than grammar, starting small up to the big ones.

-- Small Issues:--

+Original:

''Nearing the end of my school year which would soon occur well early into June, my friends asked me for my phone number. To avoid embarrassment, I just simply said, ''

'' "I forget, can I tell you guys later?" I confirmed. ''

--Remarks: This seems a bit strange considering no one really forgets their number, unless its new (especially since you can check the phone for the device's number). Obviously, it is revealed later that the protagonist did not own a phone, but I think that information should be moved up so it sound more fluent.

For something like this:

+''Nearing the end of my school year which would soon occur well early into June, my friends asked me for my phone number. I panicked, I didn't own a phone. To avoid embarrassment, I just simply said...''

-- Small issues cont.: --

You also mentioned that the character did not know the brand of the phone. Every device whether: phone, tv, car, store, or whatever has their brand somewhere clear on their product. It is a little hard to believe that particular information was not known or found. For the stories sake, you can just pick a brand. If it's flip-phone, use: Motorola Razr. If not that, then a quick research of phones can solve that, too easy.

In the story, it mentions that the mother purchased a pre-owned phone. This needs to be specified because if she bought a pre-owned phone from like Amazon then there wouldn't be any data left on it because things like that would not go unchecked. However, if it was bought maybe from Craig's List, it is more plausible for data to still be on it because that involves people-to-people transactions versus people-to-company-to-people. It's still unlikely for the mother to not check what's on the phone (she is giving it to a child and the world does have weirdos in it), but I guess it is a possibility.

-- Huge flaws: --

The biggest flaw of the story has to be the "big reveal" at the end. The last few photos have a picture of the protagonist's dead mother. However, it mentioned that after nine years, the character decides to look at the photos again. They first received the phone at the age of twelve, which begs the question: if the mother was dead, then how did they not notice her absence in the last nine years? A twelve year old still needs parental guidance, and wouldn't be so oblivious to not interacting with their mother.

Also, if the mother's dead body is a photo on the phone, then how did she make the purchase and give the phone to the protagonist? This cannot be overlooked in any way. The photo/reveal implies that she's been dead for awhile, hell, the whole time. Now, if the phone somehow displayed future events or maybe disturbing images in general, that's fine, but there was no indication what-so-ever that it possessed that kind of power. It's possible if the story had more incidents of corpses appearing after interacting with friends/love ones and then ended with his mother, that would be more believable.

However, as it stands: there's little to no build-up, unbelievable moments like the absence of the mother or how she purchased the phone if she's "dead", and not enough information to really care or understand the events in the plot. The minor issues I mentioned are just small elements that can take away from story but the big flaws are the ones that will completely sink it on their own.

I will say that I did like how the images could not be fully seen until it after lightened with a photo editor. That was a nice touch and I think that aspect should be incorporated more into the story, should you choose to continue working on it. If used correctly, this is one way to build up suspense.

-- Summarize --

Overall, the story lacks any real tension or build-up; it needs to be fleshed-out and really thought out. There's a lot of work that needs to be done on it and I didn't even touch upon the dialogue or other areas I felt did not flow as smoothly. For now, I would focus on trying to stretch this out and add more substance to this story. Create an outline and list the areas/events you want to touch upon, leading up to the mother's death reveal. This will ensure you don't miss out anything that can properly connect all the elements.

This is your first story, but please don't make it your last. It takes a lot of work to get started and find your groove. Hell, I'm still trying to find mine. There are plenty of writing guides on this site that can help and even more people. Good luck!