Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-25380741-20141211063523/@comment-10950063-20141212132116

All right, this is sending up red flags right from the start. 666 is a huge cliche and that alone can get your story on the path to deletion. Combining it with a computer program does not help thing.

Secondly, let's get this out of the way, don't indent your paragraphs. It could screw up the formatting.

Your intro graf is very rote and very passive. Instead of telling us how the character can't take it anymore, you should do one of two things. Start the story at the beginning and go from there. Either have the character picking up the disks or something like that. Or, if you feel married to the start in the present, then jump back thing, show us how they're feeling. Show it by describing physical aspects of the problem. Maybe their hands shake, maybe their whole body shakes. Have them look in a mirror, how is this taking a toll on them?

Either way, this kind of flat intro doesn't do much for you.

Third paragraph has a few problems. First, I'm noticing a good old "This isn't creepypasta, I swear!" vibe. It's not terrible, but even in this form it feels wedged in. Instead of saying, "the story didn't just appear over night" just say it's the local electronics store. Or something like that. Say it's a Best Buy or whatever. The main issue here is keeping your writing tight. You're taking a lot of words to say it's a normal store. If you don't imply it's abnormal, we'll assume it's normal. Find the right word and you can save yourself twenty. You even do this at the end. Telling us your character is a regular shows us that the store is pretty normal, because he goes there all the time.

And, again, passive writing. Telling us works, showing us even better. Have the character go into the store and the staff knows his name, he knows their's.

The fourth paragraph is a complete mis-step. Saying "was" is pretty normal given that you're writing in the past tense. It's not much of a clue. Also, it doesn't make sense. As SOON as things started happening, the shop closes down? Also, you're undoing the cliche avoidance you've tried so far. The shop doesn't disappear like it was haunted. . .but it still does basically disappear. Finally, you're removing/revealing a potential plot point in the fourth paragraph.

Nitpick: Watch your sentence starts. The fourth graf starts with "Oh, yeah," the fifth starts with "So, yeah," and the sixth starts with "So." Not a big deal, but if you notice it, it is off-putting. Also, none of these are necessary. Remember, tight writing. Get rid of stuff that doesn't add anything.

Now, we start to get more cliches: written on label, buying the disks for a dollar.

The first "scare" is an absolute dud. There's not build up to it and it basically amounts to "I saw a scary picture." Also, something to add to the cliche pile.

Finally, who is "ph4nt0m tr0j4n"? I don't see any other mention of them in the story.

Even for an unfinished pasta, this needs a lot of work. Cliches and poor storytelling are the big issues.