Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-32764586-20171031210650/@comment-32764586-20171102203905

Helel ben Shahaar wrote:
 * cracks knuckles*

Everyday people murder each other in cold blood. They enjoy watching the blood drip to the pavement, or the screams of those weaker than they [either add "are", or change it to "themselves"] after committing a treacherous act. That may be hard to swallow, but it's the cold hard truth and no one can deny it as fact. Why do they do it? Who knows. It isn't my job to know after all. They call me a fallen angel, an '''["the" is a better choice here. Also, as these are titles that refer to (I guess) Lucifer, you may want to capitalize them]''' ultimate evil, the worst being of all. No, that is not what I am, yet I am labeled as such every day. Every day I claim more of those who would hurt you, torture you, rape and murder your children for no particular reason.

[insert break here]

[And] Yet... you cast me down '''["cast down" is not a very good choice of words, as humans had nothing with the Fall of Lucifer. Maybe "spurn" or "shun"]'''. You speak of me as if I weren't as benevolent as that of which created you [I...'m not qute sure what you wanted to say here]. I drag men with evil intent in their hearts down to a cold, dark place where the light will never reach [maybe add "them" at the end]. Where fresh air doesn't exist and loved ones are just holograms '''[illusions is a better word. Mirages, apparitions, spectres... you pick] flickering in the human brain[']'''s memory. A place of torment and fear imposed upon those who would torment and fear others. A place of flame and ice, a prison holding beings of corruption. I bring those evil people down to this place so you can be safe and live free. I am not the evil one in this universe.The human heart swells with blackness. For some, this blackness is too strong to ignore. It will call, and some will answer its ring. [Last seven sentences are very nicely written]

John Wayne Gacy '''[Nooo! Not Johny Wayne!]'''. That filth of a man put on a mask [make it more clear that it is a metaphorical mask] every day and pretended to be what he was not. He was the monster that killed children, children who had a bright future ahead of them. Children with upmost [utmost] good in their hearts, and children who commited no crime or wrondoing [wrongdoing] besides stumbling across the wrong person and the wrong place at the wrong time. One of them could have saved a life, or maybe became a loving father to a family. Maybe the[y] could be a doctor, or a policeman, or a leader who could change the world for the better. Instead, they were ripped from their friends, their families, and a life they deserved from a coward [by a coward].

Then you have men like Jeffrey Dahmer, who committed the [remove "the"; it's unnecesarry] rape, murder, and dismemberment of 17 men and boys between 1978 and 1991 [friggin creppy, man]. A man who commited despicable crimes of the likes '''[of which have not been seen. Get rid of "unseen"] '''unseen by man before. Men like him exist, and their evil grows stronger as time goes on. As the human species evolves[,] these men plauge your world and continue to grow. You fear men like this. Their power scares you, and their sheer insanity causes your skin to crawl. You don't want them on your earth. That is why I, The [the] Morning Star, cast them down int [into] a [the] veil of endless pain and suffering of which you cannot imagine. I burn them, their flesh charing [charring] and bubbling as flames engulf their bodies. But the deceased cannot die. They fear me, and they shiver in fright when I approach. They beg for their lives just as their victims begged through theirs. I am the justice that keeps humanity from falling apart. And yet you hate me? You shouldn't fear me, but yourselves. I am your guardian, your savior, and your hope.

The ultimate truth is, I have no control over the human soul. I do not act as a weed who interferes with moral standards, gently whispering into peoples ear to grab a knife and dice the man walking on the sidewalk late at night. A man who begged for his life, tears welling in his eyes, and yet received no remorce [remorse]. I never told anyone to rape and murder a poor innocent girl who was late getting home to work, covering her mouth as she screames for help in the darkness. No, the truth is that man has always had an evil inside of him. The very people around you, the strangers, even the close friends you have grown to trust. Observe the way they look at you. The lust, the rage, the crooked smile that spreads across their mouth when others are around. No, I do not control you. You control your own actions, and they are of your accord. Just be sure you don't fall for the evil in your heart. I give "discipline" those who are evil '''[discipline is pointless at this point; they are already dead and can do no more harm. Maybe: "I deliver penance to those that are evil"]''', and for your sake, pray you don't take that turn. For I am a punisher, not a great evil '''[I think that "For I am not an evil incarnate, but the Punisher" would sound better here. But that is just my opinion]'''.

All in all, it was a nice pasta, although hardly a micropasta: micropastas usually have no more than 200 words, and this one certainly has a lot more than that.

'''I can see influences from similar pastas ("Lucifer is actually a good guy" drill) but the fact that you decided to incorporate flawed individuals as examples sets this pasta apart from the others. Maybe adding descriptions of punishments for these unlucky bastards would make this story more spicy.'''

'''All in all, it's good: very few grammar errors and typos, solid idea. Go for it.'''

'''​Thnk you for the feedback man, I am very glad to have it and made lots of revisions. And that folks, is how you turn a large micropasta into a 1,200 word story.'''