Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26444017-20180817061439/@comment-9041013-20180817103253

I had a feeling this is how it'll go and I kept on reading inspite of the obvious disappointment that would follow.

My biggest issues with this are; how on earth would a person change this much in a span of a week... it's impossible. He was either this "murder man" all the time, or he isn't a real person. People don't really have such a switch that makes them go from one end of the spectrum to the other in a week. You give no indication of him being the presumed murder man from the start, so I'd have to assume that he wasn't this all along. If you want him to be this all along, add some details like weird abrusts of akward anger or something here and there.

If you want to go the route of him flipping his personality, make the time span longer than a week, make it a few weeks, a couple of months. Something that could make sense.

Why on earth immediately kill people? Go for digging up corpses, ordering "fresh" corpses online or something... stealing from a morgue... I don't know. Corpses are what I'm aiming for. They are freshly dead (preferably) and it could help retain the "I'm a creepy guy with no limits" thing along with a dialogue about how he obtained the corpses which would make him akward along with the whole situation even moreso unpleasant. I think "ordering" corpses to be made for him is the worst (meaning, best for the story) way he could go if he got his hands on dead people. If you want to go for living humans, how about terminally ill people who want to be euthanised and got to him via illegal means? Still maintains the "Im a creepy guy" image of Hanson and makes him somewhat less of a random villain.

Also, Denise should be dead, unless she was operated on hours before the Pheobe and Hanson's death. I know, I know, you took care of the blood loss issue by mentioning needles and tubes that one can assume pumps blood into her, or prevents the happening of Shock. Props on that, most people wouldn't do even this much. However, Hypothermia would kill her. I read an article on Flaying once, people are most likely to be dead before their whole skin is removed due to either shock or hypothermia. Remember, internal temperature is between 97 and 99 degrees Fahrenheit in humans, room temperatures are lower... Outdoor temperatures tend to be lower as well, unless you're in a hot summer day, in Texas or California in the sun. This one is a really easy fix though, just mention she is a very recent guinea pig and you're set.

Other than that, great story. You have a nice writing style, I don't know why but everyone seems to be writing long stuff lately, Oh well, if it's not bad I wouldn't complain. The Build is finely paced, the characters are rather rounded even though Hanson is literally Kevin Wendel Krumb (Split reference), but this could be fixed. The imagery is fine

You did have some issues in the mechanical field though. Somewhere along the lines you wrote "he" instead of "her" when talking about an action done by Phoebe. Later you wrote "Denise grew numb to..." you meant Phoebe. A bunch of spelling issues too... I ran it through grammarly and well... you need to check the spelling.

"Infammatory" is with double m

"Personnel" is with double n

"Showtime" is a single word

"conundrum" sing n

"Accommodate" to name a few.

Some punctuation issues too... Basically, run a spell check ;)

Good luck, senor.