Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-29458657-20160908131851/@comment-28266772-20160916154742

Somewhere, near the ocean, there is a peculiar land which throws the people who come by into a new world, one where the sane mind wouldn’t like to dwell in. This place is where the wind throws chunks of rocks from the gloomy hill, where the water is colored like poison and where a small broken boat lies by the shore, a boat which no one touches, for they say it will bring the boatman’s spirit with the new owner. This is the painful place that the locals refer to as The Land Where Fire Never Burns.

Most people who feel the need to see what is new on the land climb up the gloomy hill and look down. However, neither [get rid of neither] this place is [not] good to linger on, since you can feel a hand, at first lightly touching you, which later pushes you, making you fall from the hill [the wording here is awkward]. You will fall on the perilous land, where the sand will devour you and take you into the abyss.

There are all sorts of stories about this small piece of land that nobody dares to walk on, except when necessary and always running [the wording here is awkward]. Some talk about a haunted ship which sank near the shore. Others talk about the so-called Dark Traveler who stopped in his path on the Land Where Fire Never Burns and there, judging on his actions, decided to commit suicide. No one talks about who he is and how he haunts, but what all locals know is that this place is bad and no one should stop here at any cost, for those who did[do], never came [come; I made this same not before] back.

I will tell you in detail only one tragic event that took place there for certain. It was evening and a group of five teenagers who were in the mood for camping, set up their tents on the land. They knew, of course, about the darkness that rests there, but they thought they were strong since they were united [united doesn’t make much sense here – it feels incorrect].

There were three boys and two girls, all of them from the local high school. They were in love with adventure and squick [squick is an internet term and refers to a feeling of disgust – doesn’t make much sense here – also I have made this note once before], and they felt the need to try this. The one who came up with the idea, Cody, was the first one who stated that it was wrong to do so [I have made notes about this sentence before which you have not included]. He said it before all hell broke loose [I have made notes on this sentence before], but his buddies no longer cared and he went with them, as he thought they would make a laughingstock out of him if nothing would go wrong [same thing here, I've made notes about this before]. The others were, Justin, Laura, Sean and Brenda.

The sun was still shining while they were setting up their tents. Sean was helping Laura, hoping to make her his girl, Justin was always eating and the others were just setting up their tents while turning constantly, as you never feel safe on this land. It’s as if even though there is an evil force that rests on this land, it still has something good in it, trying to warn those who linger too much, but still enjoys it fully when they don’t listen [once again you haven’t changed anything since I made my last notes]. After putting up their tents, they started playing around, trying to invoke the beings, but with no success.

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Right I’m cutting short right here. You’ve made a lot of improvements but I’m hardly going to leave you notes if you don’t integrate over half of them which is infuriating. Update it properly and look at my notes and integrate them properly. If you don’t understand them then ask. I am not an English tutor though so you should only ask if you have put serious effort into trying to understand why your wording is awkward.