Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-26543178-20150628015542/@comment-26475800-20150628044546

This is much better. You have made a lot of changes which made this story have a lot more tension to it. You have created a story which is much creepier than what you had when you first started.

The dog was a good addition, but why did it stop barking? At first I thought the man had killed the dog, which would need to whimper at that moment. But if the dog was in a different room that would be why the dog was still alive, and that makes a twist at the end of the story, which is good here. So that was well done as well, don't change the dog portion of the story at all.

The only thing I would recommended you do is to read over you story and get rid of words that aren't needed. For example: "Gatorade drink." You don't need the word drink there. Look over the story and find these, there are a good number of them sprinkled throughout. I would also suggest that you should have someone who is good with grammar look over this. Ask an admin and they will tell you if the story is up to par with the QS and be able to give you more advice.

Overall this story is much better than what you had first posted. The tension is higher, the feelings are better described than what they had been. So keep it up. Check with the admins, do any changes they think are needed, then publish it to the site.