Talk:Exhausted/@comment-Jimmy gr-20160820103947

Really interesting story. All your other stories so far were first person narration, but this journal style really fits you. The only aspect ,however, that ruined my immersion was that while the protagonist made it clear his journal is personal and nobody reads it, he constantly went to great lengths to fully explain what he witnessed or why he did/feel something (For example: "I swear, whole litters of that thing came out", when he loosened that bolt from the tyres and it leaked The Goop from Hell. It is as if he attempts to convince somebody). People tend to name things with really unrelated names in their minds, and since the journal is the projection of his thoughts, he wouldn't have to explain why he refers to the writer of the notes as "the car". I would find it more realistic if he just referred to it as "the car" and the police had attached a note where they believe he means the writer of the notes. Other than that, the story is quite enjoyable, and certainly well-written. I felt attached to Keith, and I like how you added little details like his wife having a full name and not just being "his wife". Try writing more stories in journal form, or adding journal parts in ones with other narrative styles, as it gives a whole different feel to the story. P.S.: When Keith mentioned "his boys", I was 90% sure they would be the victims from Venonous. Although it wasn't true, maybe you could try have characters interlocking stories together (consult the plot of the game Prison Architect for an example of what I mean).