Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-36393004-20181002204802/@comment-36393004-20181003165844

Banned In CP wrote: Helel ben Shahaar wrote: L0CKED334 wrote: Looks like it is back to the drawing board for this one. I appreciate the tips though. I was going for lonely spirit here but I guess I didn't leave enough clues to draw that out. HA! I was correct! Yee, high five boi

I really think the revision makes it come to life in a lot of good ways, and the only change I can suggest is in regards to punctuation, so nothing too exciting. There's a couple of spots where a comma is used, but where either a colon, elipses, or straight up period would be more appropriate:

"She lifted the bowl of fruit that had started to bruise (and) collected the guestbook that had dozens of name(/.../.... S/. S) she would leave the flowers for tomorrow."

"The sun now set on the tiny cottage and the air grew colder(/.../.... I/. I) it was something she had become accustomed to." Ok, addressed those issues.