Board Thread:Writer's Workshop/@comment-24381191-20140627105357/@comment-28088262-20140701215248

It's quite entertaining, I found myself shuffling in my seat during the middle! There are no major plot problems and the description is decent although you might want to use a wider range of vocab! When I first posted a very lengthy pasta, nobody would read it even though the pre-sequel was quite popular, I understand your feels.

Firstly I think 'could not' should be shortened to 'couldn't' to make the story flow better (and shorten it), or if you want to write more formally use 'I was unable to' or something like that.

Secondly,  'As I looked into its eyes I felt as if the thing' stop using 'I' all the time. A slightly more 'flowy' adaption based on that sentence would be   ' As I looked into its eyes, it felt as if the thing'. Comma + another word (for example, 'it') = less use of 'I'. Nearly all your sentences start with 'I'.

Thirdly, as Cassistrabbit suggested, proofread your work. There are odd things in there; 'I had thought it might have killed me.'  Just reread that sentence again please.

Overall, not bad, not bad. Pretty good in fact.