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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">It was a normal day in a small town. The sun was shining, and the sound of kids playing came from the schoolyard. I walked down the street and sat in the bus stop. The bus was late, so I stood up to watch the children play. They weren't there anymore. Looking around, I saw that no one was in their cars. I ran home.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">“Honey?” I called to my husband. There was no answer. I ran to the bedroom, and found him lying on the bed, dead. I ran back outside, screaming for help. And then I saw them. Bodies of everyone in town strewn across the commons.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I looked for the killer, terrified. Huddled in a small alcove in a rock, I looked at my hands. They were covered in blood and clutching a knife. Without my approval, an evil smile slid up my face and I plunged the knife into my chest.</p>
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IF she is in fact getting possessed.
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<p>By the way, sorry for the critical review. I'm used to longer stories.
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<div class="quote"><i>GraydonL wrote:
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p>
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<div class="quote"><i>
<p>Xxthegirlonfirexx wrote:
</p>
<div class="quote">GraydonL wrote:
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p> </div> <p>I agree, but right now it makes very little sense. Vaugeness is good, but not always. </p>
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p> </div> <p>I agree, but right now it makes very little sense. Vaugeness is good, but not always. </p>
(Edited by Ecuinach The Liar)
<p>Also, if she was possessed the entire time why was she wondering why her husband wasn't responding? wouldn't she know?
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<p>I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.
</p>
(Edited by Fatal Disease)
<div class="quote"><i>Fatal Disease wrote:
I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.</i></div>
<p>what didn't you like about the ending?
</p>
I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.</i></div>
<p>what didn't you like about the ending?
</p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<div class="quote"><i>Johnathen stuart wrote:
Also, if she was possessed the entire time why was she wondering why her husband wasn't responding? wouldn't she know?</i></div>
<p>nope. this is told from her prospective, not the demon's. She has no idea what the demon is doing, and sometimes it takes total control over her and the memories are lost
</p>
Also, if she was possessed the entire time why was she wondering why her husband wasn't responding? wouldn't she know?</i></div>
<p>nope. this is told from her prospective, not the demon's. She has no idea what the demon is doing, and sometimes it takes total control over her and the memories are lost
</p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<p>is this better?
</p><p>
</p><p>It was a normal day in a small town. The sun was shining, and the sound of kids playing came from the schoolyard. I walked down the street and sat in the bus stop. The bus was late, so I stood up to watch the children play. They weren't there anymore. Looking around, I saw that no one was in their cars. I ran home. </p><p>“Honey?” I called to my husband. There was no answer. I ran to the bedroom, and found him lying on the bed, dead. </p><p>I ran back outside, screaming for help. And then I saw them. Bodies of everyone in town strewn across the commons. I looked for the killer, terrified. I looked for a place to hide, but there was nowhere. I dashed for the park. </p><p>When I got there, I huddled in a small alcove in a rock. I looked at my hands. They were covered in blood and clutching a knife. Without my approval, an evil smile slid up my face and I plunged the knife into my chest. </p>
</p><p>It was a normal day in a small town. The sun was shining, and the sound of kids playing came from the schoolyard. I walked down the street and sat in the bus stop. The bus was late, so I stood up to watch the children play. They weren't there anymore. Looking around, I saw that no one was in their cars. I ran home. </p><p>“Honey?” I called to my husband. There was no answer. I ran to the bedroom, and found him lying on the bed, dead. </p><p>I ran back outside, screaming for help. And then I saw them. Bodies of everyone in town strewn across the commons. I looked for the killer, terrified. I looked for a place to hide, but there was nowhere. I dashed for the park. </p><p>When I got there, I huddled in a small alcove in a rock. I looked at my hands. They were covered in blood and clutching a knife. Without my approval, an evil smile slid up my face and I plunged the knife into my chest. </p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<p>Its a bit more descriptive... Honestly though, either version works. Micro pastas don't have to be descriptive, they just have to tell a story in a few sentences. Still good though.
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)