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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">It was a normal day in a small town. The sun was shining, and the sound of kids playing came from the schoolyard. I walked down the street and sat in the bus stop. The bus was late, so I stood up to watch the children play. They weren't there anymore. Looking around, I saw that no one was in their cars. I ran home.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">“Honey?” I called to my husband. There was no answer. I ran to the bedroom, and found him lying on the bed, dead. I ran back outside, screaming for help. And then I saw them. Bodies of everyone in town strewn across the commons.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">I looked for the killer, terrified. Huddled in a small alcove in a rock, I looked at my hands. They were covered in blood and clutching a knife. Without my approval, an evil smile slid up my face and I plunged the knife into my chest.</p>
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<p>I'm no great fan of micro pastas, and I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at here... did she kill everyone, or...?
Well, sort of creepy so 6/10
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<div class="quote"><i>Johnathen stuart wrote:
I'm no great fan of micro pastas, and I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at here... did she kill everyone, or...? <p>Well, sort of creepy so 6/10 </p> </i></div>
<p>
Yeah, that was the idea, just leaving the reader to think about it. . . </p>
I'm no great fan of micro pastas, and I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at here... did she kill everyone, or...? <p>Well, sort of creepy so 6/10 </p> </i></div>
<p>
Yeah, that was the idea, just leaving the reader to think about it. . . </p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<p>One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.
</p>
(Edited by Ecuinach The Liar)
IF she is in fact getting possessed.
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<p>By the way, sorry for the critical review. I'm used to longer stories.
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<div class="quote"><i>GraydonL wrote:
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p>
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)
<div class="quote"><i>
<p>Xxthegirlonfirexx wrote:
</p>
<div class="quote">GraydonL wrote:
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p> </div> <p>I agree, but right now it makes very little sense. Vaugeness is good, but not always. </p>
One thing I would do is split up the last paragraph. One where where she is hiding, then one where she gets possessed. Also, make it a little more clear that she is getting possessed, too.</i></div>
<p>I want to leave it up to the reader's imagination. I think she was possessed the entire time, but you've obviously not read it that way. I think that when a reader can come to their own conclusion, it's creepier.
</p> </div> <p>I agree, but right now it makes very little sense. Vaugeness is good, but not always. </p>
(Edited by Ecuinach The Liar)
<p>Also, if she was possessed the entire time why was she wondering why her husband wasn't responding? wouldn't she know?
</p>
(Edited by Johnathen stuart)
<p>I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.
</p>
(Edited by Fatal Disease)
<div class="quote"><i>Fatal Disease wrote:
I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.</i></div>
<p>what didn't you like about the ending?
</p>
I do like the whole "people-disappearing-out-of-nowhere" part in this. But the ending runined it. The grammar is good, all you need to change is the ending.</i></div>
<p>what didn't you like about the ending?
</p>
(Edited by Xxthegirlonfirexx)