<p>This is a revised edition of my pasta The Silence Is Deafening. What do you guys think?
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<p>Why? Why me? Why did she have to pick me? That damn voice… It started two months ago. The first words she ever said to me, I’ll never forget them. I was just waking up, brushing my teeth, doing my daily business in my rented apartment, when suddenly in the back of my mind I hear it.
</p><p>“Hello, I’m Mary.”
</p><p>I turned around startled, wondering who had gotten into my apartment. No one was there, the bathroom empty other than me. I turned back around and played it off as me hearing things. Which, well, that’s exactly what it was.
</p><p>I didn’t hear Mary for another week. I was leaving my work as a secretary at some lawyer firm when I hear her again.
</p><p>“Would you like to know some secrets?” This time I was sure I heard something. I spun around quickly, expecting it to be someone from work pranking me, but the courtyard I was in was completely empty.
</p><p>“Hello… Is someone there?” I asked uncertainly. Nothing answered me but the wind. Deciding to see my therapist next time I got the chance I turned sharply and walked quickly home, shooting glances over my shoulder every couple minutes.
</p><p>Three weeks later I had completely forgotten about the mysterious voice. I was lying in bed alone with my thoughts when Mary spoke yet again.
</p><p>“Hello again Rina.” A gleeful childish voice spoke up in my mind. I sat up straight in bed, looking around my apartment. “Hello? Who’s there? How do you know my name?”
“I know quite a lot Rina. Just like I said last time little girl, I have many secrets I know.” I noticed now that the voice wasn’t coming from anywhere around me, but deep inside my mind. “Anyways, You’ll be hearing from me. Night night Rina.” As soon as these words were spoken I drifted off into a deep sleep.
</p><p>I woke up the next morning, and my mind instantly went to the strange conversation I had last night.
</p><p>“It’s gotta be a dream.” I muttered to myself, and started getting ready for yet another day of work. Today was a Friday, meaning I could get out to the bar tonight. Not like I was going solely to pick someone up, but my thoughts drifted towards the idea of having another girl’s warm body in my bed for the first time in a while. With any luck that could happen tonight. I finished getting ready on autopilot, thinking only of this and almost forgetting about Mary.
</p><p>Another long and boring day of work went by in a blur, and I was soon set to go to the bar. I walked slowly up to the counter, sat on a stool, and ordered a gin and tonic. I eyed the girls around the bar, seeing which ones might be nice to have with me tonight. My drink arrived quickly, and I sipped from it as I looked around. Suddenly, Mary spoke up again.
“Having fun, sweetheart?” I nearly spit my drink out at hearing this now familiar voice. “What do you want?" I hissed under my breath.
</p><p>“Just to help you out. Like I said, I know secrets. For instance, that black haired girl you've been eyeing up would definitely say yes to a… night out.” I thought about it suspiciously, then decided, hell, why not? If this voice in my head was right I would have a fun night. If not, well I don’t lose anything but a bit of dignity. I walked up to the girl a bit nervously. It had been a while since I last did something like this, and I didn’t know how she’d react.
</p><p>“Hey cutie," I said, twirling a bit of hair around my finger. "I noticed your black hair across the bar, and was wondering how it'd look when you're in my bed."
</p><p>She laughed a bit, looked around, then grabbed my hand. "Come on brown eyes, your place it is then."
</p><p>I smiled secretly at these words, silently thanking Mary.
</p><p>"Don't mention it Rina."
</p><p>This wasn't the last time Mary talked to me, and it wasn't the last time she helped me out. For the next month Mary whispered at the back of my mind, telling me what to say or do, occasionally interspersed with secrets from the people around me. Eventually though, Mary stopped telling me useful things, and just kept whispering the secrets of others around me.
</p><p>"He's anorexic." She said as one slightly heavy guy walked past.
</p><p>"He's worrying if anyone will notice that bag of drugs he just bought there." She hissed as another guy went along his business, a slight bulge in one jacket pocket.
</p><p>It became more and more frustrating, having someone else's thoughts and someone else's life filling my head at all moments. Eventually, I tried to end it.
</p><p>Purchasing the necessary item was easy. The only thing I didn’t have at home was rope.
</p><p>“Is that all?” the girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag.
</p><p>“Yeah, that’s it.” I stared into the worker’s face as she bagged my items, Mary telling me about her guilt over not talking to her mother in years.
</p><p>“Have a nice day.” she said, handing me the bagged up rope.
</p><p>“You too.” I answered, and walked away quickly, hiding the tears that were welling in my eyes from what I was about to do.
</p><p>I reached my house quickly and entered. The bottle of assorted pills from around the house was sitting on the table in the dining room, along with an antiemetic to stop me from vomiting them back up. I saw no reason to wait, and took them and the rope to my room, already darkened from the sun dropping slowly through the sky. I placed the pills on the nightstand next to a glass of water, and looked around for a place to tie the rope. My bed stood on two legs, the back of it bolted to the wall to prevent it from moving. This was where I decided to tie the rope. As I bent down to tie it around the leg nearest the window, Mary spoke again.
</p><p>“The woman who first placed this bed here bolted it to the wall so it wouldn’t move and wake her kids. She had quite a few nighttime visitors, not all of which were her boyfriend at the time.”
</p><p>I ignored Mary’s voice and finished tying the rope, pulling hard on it to make sure it would hold. The rope stretched slightly, but held firmly no matter how hard I pulled. I fastened the end of it into a makeshift noose I learned how to make, and placed it around my neck, pulling it tight, but still loose enough to swallow and breathe. Taking the bottle of pills in my hand I swallowed them in three quick gulps, each one washed down by a bit of water from the glass on my nightstand. I took the antiemetic in my hand and swallowed it as well, finishing off the glass of water. I walked over to the window and pulled it open quickly, swinging my legs over and sitting on the ledge, three stories above the area. Mary spoke up one last time.
</p><p>“The woman who lived here was thrown from this window after her boyfriend discovered her cheating on him one night. Her body laid on the ground, staining it red.”
</p><p>I almost laughed at these words. Though I was the second person through this window, my body would never hit the ground. As my vision darkened and my muscles grew weak from the effects of the pills I pushed myself off the ledge, my body dropping several feet before the strong rope went taut, snapping my neck almost immediately. The last thing I heard was a voice in the back of my mind, similar to Mary’s, but instead of a sweet little girl it had the voice of a demon.
</p><p>“You’re mine now.” It said to me.
</p><p>I walked along slowly through the busy street, watching people not even react as I passed through them. I no longer heard Mary in the back of my mind, but I no longer needed to. Even as I looked at someone, their entire past filled my mind, streaks of memories and guilt and broken promises. Grief, anger, hatred, blood. I was lonely now, even starting to miss the childish voice that spoke in the back of my mind. I was so lonely, I walked up to a man, a tall man in a jogger’s outfit. His name was Sam and he used to hit his sister. I placed my lips near his ear, and spoke.
</p><p>“Hello, I’m Rina.” He flinched and looked around, seeing nobody close enough to say anything to him. As thoughts and secrets from people around me flew through my mind, I knew the only to get rid of them.
</p><p>“Sam, would you like to hear my secrets?”
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<p>It keeps posting as a block of text instead of paragraphs. Yes I am using source mode. I'll try to fix that, so if you see it as that please don't mind it.
</p>
(Edited by Seraph of Flame)
<div class="quote"><i>Seraph of Flame wrote:
It keeps posting as a block of text instead of paragraphs. Yes I am using source mode. I'll try to fix that, so if you see it as that please don't mind it.</i></div>
<p>Fixed it. Kinda. At least now it's not just one big block. </p>
It keeps posting as a block of text instead of paragraphs. Yes I am using source mode. I'll try to fix that, so if you see it as that please don't mind it.</i></div>
<p>Fixed it. Kinda. At least now it's not just one big block. </p>
(Edited by Seraph of Flame)
0
<p>Here is the format you're looking for. If you want, just highlight, copy, and paste this in Source Mode. Hope this helps.
__________________________________________________________________
</p><p>Why? Why me? Why did she have to pick me? That damn voice… It started two months ago. The first words she ever said to me, I’ll never forget them. I was just waking up, brushing my teeth, doing my daily business in my rented apartment, when suddenly in the back of my mind I hear it.
</p><p>“Hello, I’m Mary.”
</p><p>I turned around startled, wondering who had gotten into my apartment. No one was there, the bathroom empty other than me. I turned back around and played it off as me hearing things. Which, well, that’s exactly what it was.
</p><p>I didn’t hear Mary for another week. I was leaving my work as a secretary at some lawyer firm when I hear her again.
</p><p>“Would you like to know some secrets?” This time I was sure I heard something. I spun around quickly, expecting it to be someone from work pranking me, but the courtyard I was in was completely empty.
</p><p>“Hello… Is someone there?” I asked uncertainly. Nothing answered me but the wind. Deciding to see my therapist next time I got the chance I turned sharply and walked quickly home, shooting glances over my shoulder every couple minutes.
</p><p>Three weeks later I had completely forgotten about the mysterious voice. I was lying in bed alone with my thoughts when Mary spoke yet again.
</p><p>“Hello again Rina.” A gleeful childish voice spoke up in my mind. I sat up straight in bed, looking around my apartment. “Hello? Who’s there? How do you know my name?” “I know quite a lot Rina. Just like I said last time little girl, I have many secrets I know.” I noticed now that the voice wasn’t coming from anywhere around me, but deep inside my mind. “Anyways, You’ll be hearing from me. Night night Rina.” As soon as these words were spoken I drifted off into a deep sleep.
</p><p>I woke up the next morning, and my mind instantly went to the strange conversation I had last night.
</p><p>“It’s gotta be a dream.” I muttered to myself, and started getting ready for yet another day of work. Today was a Friday, meaning I could get out to the bar tonight. Not like I was going solely to pick someone up, but my thoughts drifted towards the idea of having another girl’s warm body in my bed for the first time in a while. With any luck that could happen tonight. I finished getting ready on autopilot, thinking only of this and almost forgetting about Mary.
</p><p>Another long and boring day of work went by in a blur, and I was soon set to go to the bar. I walked slowly up to the counter, sat on a stool, and ordered a gin and tonic. I eyed the girls around the bar, seeing which ones might be nice to have with me tonight. My drink arrived quickly, and I sipped from it as I looked around. Suddenly, Mary spoke up again. “Having fun, sweetheart?” I nearly spit my drink out at hearing this now familiar voice. “What do you want? I hissed under my breath.
</p><p>“Just to help you out. Like I said, I know secrets. For instance, that black haired girl you’ve been eyeing up would definitely say yes to a… night out.” I thought about it suspiciously, then decided, hell, why not? If this voice in my head was right I would have a fun night. If not, well I don’t lose anything but a bit of dignity. I walked up to the girl a bit nervously. It had been a while since I last did something like this, and I didn’t know how she’d react.
</p><p>“Hey cutie," I said, twirling a bit of hair around my finger. "I noticed your black hair across the bar, and was wondering how it'd look when you're in my bed."
</p><p>She laughed a bit, looked around, then grabbed my hand. "Come on brown eyes, your place it is then."
</p><p>I smiled secretly at these words, silently thanking Mary.
</p><p>"Don't mention it Rina."
</p><p>This wasn't the last time Mary talked to me, and it wasn't the last time she helped me out. For the next month Mary whispered at the back of my mind, telling me what to say or do, occasionally interspersed with secrets from the people around me. Eventually though, Mary stopped telling me useful things, and just kept whispering the secrets of others around me.
</p><p>"He's anorexic." She said as one slightly heavy guy walked past.
</p><p>"He's worrying if anyone will notice that bag of drugs he just bought there." She hissed as another guy went along his business, a slight bulge in one jacket pocket.
</p><p>It became more and more frustrating, having someone else's thoughts and someone else's life filling my head at all moments. Eventually, I tried to end it.
</p><p>Purchasing the necessary item was easy. The only thing I didn’t have at home was rope.
</p><p>“Is that all?” The girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag.
</p><p>“Yeah, that’s it.” I stared into the worker’s face as she bagged my items, Mary telling me about her guilt over not talking to her mother in years.
</p><p>“Have a nice day.” She said, handing me the bagged up rope.
</p><p>“You too.” I answered, and walked away quickly, hiding the tears that were welling in my eyes from what I was about to do.
</p><p>I reached my house quickly and entered. The bottle of assorted pills from around the house was sitting on the table in the dining room, along with an antiemetic to stop me from vomiting them back up. I saw no reason to wait, and took them and the rope to my room, already darkened from the sun dropping slowly through the sky. I placed the pills on the nightstand next to a glass of water, and looked around for a place to tie the rope. My bed stood on two legs, the back of it bolted to the wall to prevent it from moving. This was where I decided to tie the rope. As I bent down to tie it around the leg nearest the window, Mary spoke again.
</p><p>“The woman who first placed this bed here bolted it to the wall so it wouldn’t move and wake her kids. She had quite a few nighttime visitors, not all of which were her boyfriend at the time.”
</p><p>I ignored Mary’s voice and finished tying the rope, pulling hard on it to make sure it would hold. The rope stretched slightly, but held firmly no matter how hard I pulled. I fastened the end of it into a makeshift noose I learned how to make, and placed it around my neck, pulling it tight, but still loose enough to swallow and breathe. Taking the bottle of pills in my hand I swallowed them in three quick gulps, each one washed down by a bit of water from the glass on my nightstand. I took the antiemetic in my hand and swallowed it as well, finishing off the glass of water. I walked over to the window and pulled it open quickly, swinging my legs over and sitting on the ledge, three stories above the area. Mary spoke up one last time.
</p><p>“The woman who lived here was thrown from this window after her boyfriend discovered her cheating on him one night. Her body laid on the ground, staining it red.”
</p><p>I almost laughed at these words. Though I was the second person through this window, my body would never hit the ground. As my vision darkened and my muscles grew weak from the effects of the pills I pushed myself off the ledge, my body dropping several feet before the strong rope went taut, snapping my neck almost immediately. The last thing I heard was a voice in the back of my mind, similar to Mary’s, but instead of a sweet little girl it had the voice of a demon.
</p><p>“You’re mine now.” It said to me.
</p><p>I walked along slowly through the busy street, watching people not even react as I passed through them. I no longer heard Mary in the back of my mind, but I no longer needed to. Even as I looked at someone, their entire past filled my mind, streaks of memories and guilt and broken promises. Grief, anger, hatred, blood. I was lonely now, even starting to miss the childish voice that spoke in the back of my mind. I was so lonely, I walked up to a man, a tall man in a jogger’s outfit. His name was Sam and he used to hit his sister. I placed my lips near his ear, and spoke.
</p><p>“Hello, I’m Rina.” He flinched and looked around, seeing nobody close enough to say anything to him. As thoughts and secrets from people around me flew through my mind, I knew the only to get rid of them.
</p><p>“Sam, would you like to hear my secrets?”
</p>
(Edited by Jay ten)
0
<p>A side-note, in dialogue, when you identify the speaker after what's been said, you should use a comma instead of a period. For example: “Have a nice day.” She said, handing me the bagged up rope. It should read: "Have a nice day," she said... . You also don't capitalize the letter of the first word after quotes when it's all part of one sentence, unless it's a word that is always capitalized (this applies to any quote if the content following is part of the same sentence, even if it ends in a ? or !.) For example: “Is that all?” The girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag. It should read: "Is that all?" the girl at... . I haven't read the story yet, these are just some things I noticed at first glance. I'll try to give it a read later.
</p>
(Edited by Jay ten)
<div class="quote"><i>Jay ten wrote:
A side-note, in dialogue, when you identify the speaker after what's been said, you should use a comma instead of a period. For example: “Have a nice day.” She said, handing me the bagged up rope. It should read: "Have a nice day," she said... . You also don't capitalize the letter of the first word after quotes when it's all part of one sentence, unless it's a word that is always capitalized (this applies to any quote if the content following is part of the same sentence, even if it ends in a ? or !.) For example: “Is that all?” The girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag. It should read: "Is that all?" the girl at... . I haven't read the story yet, these are just some things I noticed at first glance. I'll try to give it a read later.</i></div>
<p>Thank you thank you thank you so much. Format isn't my best skill, as can be plainly seen. So thank you so much. </p>
A side-note, in dialogue, when you identify the speaker after what's been said, you should use a comma instead of a period. For example: “Have a nice day.” She said, handing me the bagged up rope. It should read: "Have a nice day," she said... . You also don't capitalize the letter of the first word after quotes when it's all part of one sentence, unless it's a word that is always capitalized (this applies to any quote if the content following is part of the same sentence, even if it ends in a ? or !.) For example: “Is that all?” The girl at the cash register asked me, putting the rope in the bag. It should read: "Is that all?" the girl at... . I haven't read the story yet, these are just some things I noticed at first glance. I'll try to give it a read later.</i></div>
<p>Thank you thank you thank you so much. Format isn't my best skill, as can be plainly seen. So thank you so much. </p>
(Edited by Seraph of Flame)
<p>Why? Why me? Why did she have to pick me? I have no idea! But I don’t really care to find out. This story starts off approximately as about a hundred others do. Some vague melodrama and implied agony and fear; you’re not even a paragraph in and you’re already painfully misusing the ellipses. Rule of thumb: when you’re thinking about using ellipses, don’t. The ellipsis is not by any means an automatic suspense builder. Please refer to my writing advice blog and the writing advice blogs of our various admin to learn why this is a crutch shouldn’t for the love of Christ ever be used in professional writing.
</p><p>It’s implied that you’ll never forget the first words as you’re recounting them.
</p><p>Enter: superfluous details about daily life. It’s implied that you’re renting when you say you’re living in an apartment. We don’t need to know about you brushing your teeth. Perhaps try something along the lines of “I had just woken up, I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I heard the voice in the back of my mind saying ‘Hello, I’m Mary”.
</p><p>But I would suggest you go against the whole pseudo-innocent “hello, I’m ____” because it’s a bit hackneyed.
</p><p>OH HO BUT WAIT THAT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS OH HOHO I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
</p><p>You’re startled, fine, you’re wondering if there’s someone in your apartment, fine. But the way you’ve written this has no finesse. There’s nothing here that makes me give a holy fuck about your protagonist nor does it really pique my interest into her relatively fucking problems.
</p><p>NOTES FROM MY GOOD LADY FRIEND SASHA:
</p><p>A) These aren’t paragraphs, they’re lines.
</p><p>GOOD NOTATION THERE SASHA, I TOTES AGREE
</p><p>B) If you want to make it into a narrative, you should use the structure of a narrative.
</p><p>BUT SASHA, WE ARE JUST AMATEUR INTERNET WRITERS WE DON’T WORRY ABOUT PESKY THINGS LIKE NARRATIVE STRUCTURE.
</p><p>C) The whole line about not hearing Mary for a week then leaving work and all that, too many things are happening at once, it should be combined into one thought.
</p><p>YOU’RE RIGHT AGAIN, SASHA. PERHAPS EVEN USE THINGS LIKE PARAGRAPHS, WHICH ARE MADE OF SOMETHING LIKE 5 WHOLE FUCKING SENTENCES. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD WORK GREAT HERE? A FUCKING SEMICOLON, LIKE YOUR THOUGHT ISN’T DONE YET BUT YOU NEED A PERIOD.
</p><p>[/NOTES FROM SASHA]
</p><p>So your protagonist is so blissfully unaware of their surroundings they just don’t notice that the square is completely devoid of other people? And pranking them? That’s totally the first thing I say when I’m pranking someone.
</p><p>Again, stop using the ellipses, it’s unnecessary, it’s ugly, and it’s seriously giving me a goddamn headache. The wind answered you? Nah, bro. Nah. It’s like you’re trying to really hard to add some sort of stylistic element to this story, which just hasn’t had any fucking form of metaphor or image or even vaguely descriptive writing.
</p><p>You could communicate how uncertain the narrator feels, and you could communicate how uneasy this makes them a whole lot better. Like, describe some body language, describe some feelings of paranoia. Anxiety. Do some goddamn research; try to get out of the comfortable little bubble that makes you so uneasy to put some extra flourish.
</p><p>So, a mysterious voice causes you a great amount of stress and anxiety, even causing to glance over your own shoulder on the way home, and you just forgot about it? And what about the therapist? You explicitly state your intention to go visit the fucking crazy doctor about this specific issue. That doesn’t seem like something you’d just forget.
</p><p>So, it’s good to know that the narrator is a female. Halfway through the motherfucking story. Rina. That would have been nice to know, I don’t know, somewhere near the fucking beginning. Like, you want us to sympathize with a character you don’t even give a fucking name or gender identity. Why should we give a fuck about a blah?
</p><p>Seriously check your punctuation.
</p><p>The voice never said they have “many secrets”, just the immensely vague statements about some secrets.
</p><p>NOTE FROM SASHA: the grammar her is bizarre, perhaps try “I have many secrets” or “I have many secrets” or “there are many secrets I know”.
</p><p>What the fuck is going on with your punctuation? It’s like you just stopped caring halfway through.
</p><p>And again, this is such a blah of a story. There’s no style to this. It’s just kinda there.
</p><p>OH HO HO LOOK AT HOW TRENDY BRINGING DIRECT ATTENTION TO A HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. WAY TO ADD SOME LEGIT CHARACTERIZATION FINALLY.
</p><p>How the fuck do you just keep forgetting about the fucking audio hallucinations? Like, when I was a kid due to the medicine I was taking I had a lot of audio hallucinations; it’s not something you just shrug off. It’s scary. It’s terrifying. It makes you scared to move, it makes you cry and it’s something that I haven’t forgotten since I was fucking 6. I’m a grown fucking man now.
</p><p>The voice is familiar? I thought you’d forgotten about it 4 fucking times.
</p><p>PLEASE STOP USING ELLIPSES.
</p><p>I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you’d either A) never actually been to a bar or B) you’re genuinely really bad and/or have never picked someone up from a bar. That has to be the most horrendous pick up line I’ve ever even fucking heard. Like, gross, bro.
</p><p>Being a heterosexual male, perhaps I’m unfamiliar with how lesbians pick each other up. Apparently approaching strangers and making highly inappropriate comments gets you laid.
</p><p>Seriously, what happened to the punctuation? Like, you went from having punctuation to suddenly not really using it. Also, Sasha wants to know what happened to the fear? Like the unease? The paranoia? The anxiety? You know, the fear.
</p><p>Anorexia means you don’t eat. Bulimia might work better because a direct symptom of bulimia is weight gain. While, anorexia can cause weight gain, that’s not typically the first symptom.
</p><p>You could totally make this so much sadder. Right now, I don’t care that she’s gonna kill herself. There’s nothing about this character that makes me give a crap. Why the frick did she fucking pill herself then hang herself? Ugh. There’s just so much going on. This story is meant to be a mindfuck and it’s meant to be depressing. But it’s neither. At no point do I actually care what happens to Rina.
</p><p>The sort of twist thing you do at the end is interesting, although played out. It’s been done, which isn’t to say that you shouldn’t use it. But take a bit more care when you do.
</p><p>I’d say take this story back to the workshop. It’s juvenile, it’s hackneyed, it’s trite. But, you could potentially make it a million times better with some more practice. Go check all them blogs, the style guide, and get back to writing, you crazy fucking literary larva.
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(Edited by administrators)