All posts by ImGonnaBeThatGuy

That should be a part of the welcome message.

While it's not explicit in the OP, I have a feeling Cleric isn't going to use stories that aren't posted on the wiki.

The story starts with a quotation mark and ends with quotation marks. You don't need that. I think I get why you did that, you're trying to give the impression that this is all being spoken. However, you're formatting incorrectly. For continuing dialog, you put open quotes at the beginning of each paragraph. More than that, it doesn't work. There's no context for this person who is speaking.

Don't mention Slenderman.

This whole first paragraph doesn't work. The first sentence is kind of confusing and nonsensical, the end is too flowery and the middle is one big run on sentence. It's also just unnecessary. It adds nothing.

What happens next, is, gross, to say the least.

Don't ever do this. First, don't preface things, just get to them. Also, don't try to tell the readers how to feel about something. It doesn't work. If something is gross, describe it and if the reader feels that it's gross, they'll think that themselves. When you preface it like this, like, "Oh, man, hold on to your hats, something icky is coming up," it's almost like a challenge. They will most likely end up thinking, "Well, that wasn't gross."

Those are relatively minor things.

Here's the major problem with this story. This isn't a story. It's kind of like a bland essay about this monster. There's nothing to draw us, nothing to engage with, you're trying to build imagery, but it just lies there. Read something like Smile Dog. Smile Dog is a story, there's a couple narratives going on there and the details of Smile Dog come out more naturally do here. Same with The Rake. There's not much of a narrative, but there's more of a framework.

There's other big problems. This reads like a guide on how to avoid the Night's Maiden. Like ehow.com's "10 Steps to Getting Rid of Your Night's Maiden Problem". It immediately removes any chance of creepiness. The bulk of the story is about how to avoid being attacked by the monster. It's so bad, that I didn't even realize the Night's Maiden attacked in anyway. It's not even referenced until the last two sentences.

Those are the two big things.

The logs say it was deleted for "Not meeting quality standards". It's a vague way of saying that it wasn't very good for whatever reasons.

To find out why, you can ask the person who deleted. Though, LOLSKELETONS is not the best with giving feedback. You can also filed a Deletion Appeal, where a different admin will review it, give you feedback and possibly even restore. Third option, is try the writer's workshop. There you can get feedback for users and they will highlight issues that are most likely what led to the deletion.

The person who wrote "the new killer" was 10-years-old. I would normally feel bad making fun of someone that young, but when I was going piece-by-piece telling them why the story got deleted (because they tried to argue that it was good) I realized the story had broken me. I can even pinpoint the exact spot. It's when I realized the main character was in kindergarten. That's when I lost my fucking mind.

I love it when a week later people drop by to weigh in on an issue that's already been addressed.

the new killer

Honorable mention: Now You See Me Now You Don't

Blood Whistle, yes, is one of the absolute worst. Splitters is just fucking terrible. Sonic.exe, one of the granddaddy's of bad.

At least those are somewhat coherently written. They demonstrate some level of technical comprehension. These two do not and are hilarious for it.

[Liars]

Fanfiction is not allowed on the wiki.

You CAN submit a story that has the same title as a deleted story.

This is my third time trying to write this critique. There is something really awkward and off-putting about your writing, but I can't explain it or even identify the source. I can't figure out the best things to focus on to help you or how to arrange the critique. There's also a ton of small, kind of nitpicks that contribute to the problem.

Let's start with simple stuff. You need to vary the starts of your sentences. Too many of them start with "I." Another small thing, cool it on the exclamation points. Use one per sentence, that's it. And never do all caps and an exclamation point. The construction of the sentences in the first paragraph are almost identical. It's very awkward.

You need to show, not tell.

I was scared… So goddamn scared. That's telling.

I was fucking scared. So. Fucking. Scared. This is telling AND redundant.

I looked up into the tree branches and saw something horrifying. I think that was the moment I knew there was no god, nothing could have had saved me then… This is ridiculous telling.

Don't tell us a character is scared. Describe what it's like to be scared. You start to do it when the character starts crying. What else happens when you're scared? How does your stomach feel, how does your chest feel, what's going on in your mind? If you describe the visceral feelings of fear you are more likely to get your readers to connect to it than just saying, "I'm scared."

Don't tell us the character is cold or that it's cold out. Show us. Show us the cold by building up the imagery of the landscape. Show us how the character feels, how their body is reacting, what they're wearing. This is a huge problem in the first paragraph. All your descriptions basically amount to "it's cold,' without building any imagery. It's awkward and it's clunky and it feels like reading a list of things you want to describe.

The last quoted section ties in with another problem in the story. Don't preface things. Here, it's terrible. "Oh, there's no God, it's so terrible, it's the most horrifying thing in the world." Is seeing your mother mutilated terrible and would it evoke that kind of reaction. Sure, but it sounds silly when you put it like that. It's more effective to have the character look up and describe what they see. Then, the reader will react to that however they choose too. When you try to force them to feel something or think a certain way, you will fail. Then, you can show us that the character is giving up instead of telling us.

Something similar to that issue happens here: I glanced up at the deck about 5 feet above the lawn, I could climb it with mild success. So I decided to do it.

Let's start with a nitpick: the first sentence makes no sense. Climbing is not on a spectrum of success. You can either do it or you can't. What is mildly successful in terms of climbing? The first problem is that this section is absolutely useless. Have the character look at it and then start to climb. It ruins your flow the way you do it now.

There's a lot of stuff you could and should trim off of this. Remove anything that doesn't add anything to the story. This doesn't include good imagery or description because they add to the story. The dream sequence falls into the unnecessary category. It's short, contentless and adds absolutely nothing. Same with things like, "a chance of snow" in the the first sentence. Just have it be snowing.

There is almost no description of the shadow. That's a huge problem.

Then, there's things that make no sense. Like, if this monster is trying to kill this kid, why not do it when he's unconscious?

Or this:

I could feel a cry bubbling up my throat. I put my hand over my mouth. I felt something warm hit my cheek, not salty like tears… It was coppery, like blood.

Is the character tasting with their cheek? The blood isn't on their hand, is it? And it couldn't have dripped into their mouth, because they have their mouth covered.

The best advice I can give you is to read more. Not creepypasta or fanfiction, but actual books and stories by professional writers. See how professionals handle imagery and flow and things like that. Then, keep writing and develop your style.

That's your job. It's your story.

First off, DO NOT USE COLORED TEXT. Second, don't indent your paragraphs on this site. It screws up the wiki's formatting.

Fix the text color or else no one is going to review this. It's hard to read.

There's not enough here to leave feedback on. I would recommend finishing or at least getting the plot moving a bit in order to give someone enough to comment on.

That doesn't mean they were never allowed or that no one has ever written on.

Roaming Soul, my suggestion to you would be to ask on the SomeOrdinaryGamers wiki or do a google search.

I just want to let you know that the wiki does not accept Pokepasta anymore.

All right, this is sending up red flags right from the start. 666 is a huge cliche and that alone can get your story on the path to deletion. Combining it with a computer program does not help thing.

Secondly, let's get this out of the way, don't indent your paragraphs. It could screw up the formatting.

Your intro graf is very rote and very passive. Instead of telling us how the character can't take it anymore, you should do one of two things. Start the story at the beginning and go from there. Either have the character picking up the disks or something like that. Or, if you feel married to the start in the present, then jump back thing, show us how they're feeling. Show it by describing physical aspects of the problem. Maybe their hands shake, maybe their whole body shakes. Have them look in a mirror, how is this taking a toll on them?

Either way, this kind of flat intro doesn't do much for you.

Third paragraph has a few problems. First, I'm noticing a good old "This isn't creepypasta, I swear!" vibe. It's not terrible, but even in this form it feels wedged in. Instead of saying, "the story didn't just appear over night" just say it's the local electronics store. Or something like that. Say it's a Best Buy or whatever. The main issue here is keeping your writing tight. You're taking a lot of words to say it's a normal store. If you don't imply it's abnormal, we'll assume it's normal. Find the right word and you can save yourself twenty. You even do this at the end. Telling us your character is a regular shows us that the store is pretty normal, because he goes there all the time.

And, again, passive writing. Telling us works, showing us even better. Have the character go into the store and the staff knows his name, he knows their's.

The fourth paragraph is a complete mis-step. Saying "was" is pretty normal given that you're writing in the past tense. It's not much of a clue. Also, it doesn't make sense. As SOON as things started happening, the shop closes down? Also, you're undoing the cliche avoidance you've tried so far. The shop doesn't disappear like it was haunted. . .but it still does basically disappear. Finally, you're removing/revealing a potential plot point in the fourth paragraph.

Nitpick: Watch your sentence starts. The fourth graf starts with "Oh, yeah," the fifth starts with "So, yeah," and the sixth starts with "So." Not a big deal, but if you notice it, it is off-putting. Also, none of these are necessary. Remember, tight writing. Get rid of stuff that doesn't add anything.

Now, we start to get more cliches: written on label, buying the disks for a dollar.

The first "scare" is an absolute dud. There's not build up to it and it basically amounts to "I saw a scary picture." Also, something to add to the cliche pile.

Finally, who is "ph4nt0m tr0j4n"? I don't see any other mention of them in the story.

Even for an unfinished pasta, this needs a lot of work. Cliches and poor storytelling are the big issues.

All right, guys, I am getting ready to pack this all up. Some of the leftover games are going to go somewhere else and I would like to get them moving.

So, last call, if you entered the contest and would like a game let me know. The sooner the better. This offer expires in about a day, unless you pick one of the games I'm not using for this other thing.

Assuming that none of the winners takes it, Hotline Miami has already been claimed by someone else. The Duke Nukems are yours, though.