<p>Okay, I know I should have posted my story here before posting it to the actual site, but I'm still a newbie, so please bear with me. Any criticisms will be gladly accepted!
</p><p>I think this is what is called a "micropasta," but I'm not too sure. Take it away, piranhas!
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</p><p>I am a mortician. I dress your dearly beloved, and make so that they look beautiful for rotting. You believe that there is no soul left in a dead body (as death is the opposite of life; I don’t blame you for the misconception, see, I only wish to inform you otherwise), but, ah! what energy there is! what power over me do they entail. I put the missus in her white dress and the mister in his black suit- oh, how lovely- and in my mind’s eye I can see them dancing in the graveyard. They waltz with vitality, skipping over gravestones, their blood the same temperature as the dew silencing the grass. I, in my suit to hide these atrocities, am no match for her. The missus’ gown sweeps the clean, tiled basement floor, but I know our dance will never be as enchanting as the graveyard dance. Sometimes, when there is a single lady, I can imagine that we skip through that place of love, loving each other because true death will never come. Those times, when I retire to my dark and hollow home, I wrap my hands around my throat and pretend that I will have a missus to dance with when I’m gone. Day after day, year after year, I kiss your dearly beloved, dearly departed, dearly, dearly, and dance the mortician’s dance instead.
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<p>I'm no expert on mental illness, but I do have some experience. It seems that Ariel has schizophrenia because she was so depressed, thus meaning that she has depression with psychotic features. The MPD is not called that anymore, but I don't remember what it is called. It may be called disassociation, or that might be what causes it.
</p><p>Asylums do not exist anymore (from what I've read and heard), instead there are mental hospitals, so if you are going to keep it as an asylum you might want to make it back when they existed and were completely awful. If you want Ariel to be tortured, then send her to an Asylum and look up the time period and do some research. But if you want her to wreak havoc, then make it contemporary. Contemporary can go two ways: the patients are treated like they are in a hospital with all the care they deserve; or they are fed medicine and treated like cattle (and if it's a place the patients are to live, then they are not helped and fed pills until they are transferred).
</p><p>This is the experience I have had with mental hospitals in my state, but if anybody has had any other experience you can decide among those as well.
</p><p>You might want to watch your sentences, some things repeat themselves and you leave out some words. Work on grammar and punctuation, which means you should read a lot and write as much as you can.
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<p>I'm afraid of abandonment. Places that are abandoned, people losing their faith in me and "giving up" on me. That's why I always reach out and try to comfort those who isolate, or I try to put a positive spin on everything because I don't like to give up hope.
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<p>It does have some errors as DeVir said, but I don't think it constitutes as a story as the Creepypasta Wiki categorizes it. But I'm not too sure either.
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<p>TheLongShadow wrote:
Anybody ever have that one friend?
</p><p>You know, that guy who's just a little, off?
</p><p>This kid I've known for a couple of years has gotten progressively more and more bizarre in his behavior, an attribute that increases proportionately to his intelligence. This guy is ridiculously smart. Well, one day he asked me if I wanted to see his journal and I said sure. I figured it was kind of weird that he would want to share but I said I would.
</p><p>It was freaking creepy.
</p><p>Strange drawing with things scratched under them like <i>How many of them are real and my only emotions now are greed and anger</i>. Rants about how emotions are a lie, or how religious people belong in prison. I figured it was all for show, that he was just trying to appear rebelious in my eyes.
</p><p>A couple of weeks later my friend went swimming with him. He told me that my friend just lied there motionless in the pool and then quietly whispered "you know I could drown you and then kill myself, and everyone would probably just think it was an accident, or that we were drinking." Then he chuckled and went home.
</p><p>I talked to a teacher at my school about this, and they said it was nothing to worry about.
</p><p>About a week ago, in one of our classes the teacher asked us to sketch a quick picture of how we see ourselves vs. how we really are. I drew myself a bit more adventurous and with more hair. When he went to the bathroom, I checked my friends picture.
</p><p>He was on a throne,
</p><p>and everyone was bowing down to him.
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<p>That is really freaky... and yes, I have had that one friend. Mental illness is always scary to me. </p>
<p>That is really freaky... and yes, I have had that one friend. Mental illness is always scary to me. </p>
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<p>I think the scariest thing that ever happened to me was when I was twelve. I had been running on some trails behind a humongous abandoned tunnel for a race, and I was in front of most of the people but I was really tired. The tunnel is a popular tourist site, so there were people reaching the end of the tunnel while I was entering it. Some guy made a weird face at me and kept walking, but I was too beat to react.
</p><p>It is completely dark after a few feet into the freakin' tunnel, and it's scary going on your own, especially when you're twelve. I was getting increasingly freaked out as I walked, and about when I was in the middle of the tunnel I got really scared and started running. What really set this for the freakiest moment of my life was that, as I started to run, someone, presumably that guy that made the face at me, started to laugh really loud, and it echoed through the tunnel, seeming to follow me as I ran.
</p><p>As I reached the car my friend who was in front of me asked me what was wrong because I looked so freaked out, but I didn't say anything about it. It inspired me to write a story about that tunnel, though. I've promised myself that I will work hard on it and post it up on here.
</p><p>Another freaky moment was when my ex was acting like s/he was possessed and almost fuckin' stabbed me and/or slit my throat. I just stood there while s/he was behind me, and I told her/him, "Do it." Or the time where s/he was trying to take me to the river beside her/his house to drown me.
</p><p>But that was an abusive relationship, so every moment was fucking scary.
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<p>You are a little too specific at parts, like where he mentions the length of the pen. The end does seem to have a lack, though. What happened afterwards? Was he haunted for the rest of his life? And, maybe, even why was the pen haunted?
</p><p>But perhaps this has to do with some Alaskan folk tale that you know about. If so, it would be nice for you to elaborate on how this all came about.
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<p>Resident DeVir wrote:
Thank you so much for the review. I'll proofread it for incorrect or missing punctuation and for any other errors I happen to spot.
</p><p>The humor is in fact intentional, and it's sort of present in most of my stories. I love the instability it causes when you mix the ridiculously absurd with the horrifying, and I enjoy looking for that fine line between legitimate horror and straight up comedy. I think CPs in general have a habit of making fun of themselves by attempting to scare the reader through a series of clichés rearranged into something slightly unique.
</p><p>Most CPs are redefinitions of the same old campfire stories; at least that's how I look at it.
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<p>You are welcome. </p><p>Yes, I have read horror goes hand in hand with comedy, or should I say "dark humor." They might be two sides of the same coin, as one persons joy can be another's nightmare. </p><p>I agree with you that a lot of CP's are cliches rearranged, but sometimes the right arrangement works to scare the reader. To do this takes a lot of skill or pure luck, though. I don't even know if horror movies are any better than CP's. I find the scariest of stories unearth and give a name to what was in front of us the entire time. Sort of like being in the dark and not knowing a dead man sat in front of your face until the lights are turned on. Now that's fuckin' scary. </p><p>I think you are on the right track with your dark comedy, so keep it up. :) </p>
<p>You are welcome. </p><p>Yes, I have read horror goes hand in hand with comedy, or should I say "dark humor." They might be two sides of the same coin, as one persons joy can be another's nightmare. </p><p>I agree with you that a lot of CP's are cliches rearranged, but sometimes the right arrangement works to scare the reader. To do this takes a lot of skill or pure luck, though. I don't even know if horror movies are any better than CP's. I find the scariest of stories unearth and give a name to what was in front of us the entire time. Sort of like being in the dark and not knowing a dead man sat in front of your face until the lights are turned on. Now that's fuckin' scary. </p><p>I think you are on the right track with your dark comedy, so keep it up. :) </p>
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<p>tI hope my comment doesn't get deleted, but I must say that this is really good, and I think you should post it up. There are comma errors which you might want to look at, and if you want specifics I will go back through and tell you what exactly needs to be fixed.
</p><p>It has philosophical reasoning (which I am always fond of), mental illness of the strange sort, humor (if it is unintentional, I apologize), a nice opening to what has happened without giving too much away, and a good dive into the man's head as a journal.
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<p>The only other idea I have is to use stories to show support, but as this is a horror-story wiki, that's not compatible.
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<p>Oh, your comment was wonderfully helpful! When I wrote it, I was writing for a Creative Writing class, and I was afraid my themes in my works were too.... elusive. I'm known to cover up my meaning, and even the plot, with tons of symbolism and imagery, and small details where you have to read very carefully to understand what goes on. I wanted this to be blunt in a way that makes the reader uncomfortable, but I don't think I've quite mastered that yet. I suppose I should work up to it. You seem to be a wonderful writer from that snippet you put, and I'm glad to receive advice from you. It really gives me an idea how to show and not tell, where I had been struggling with that before.
Thanks for reading, Danatblair!
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<p>Johnathen stuart wrote:
Huh. Well not creepy, but necrophilia stories are just kind of... weird.
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<p>I was going more for weird, and then hoping to approach creepy from that direction. Just sort of... making things so very normally out of the ordinary. </p>
<p>I was going more for weird, and then hoping to approach creepy from that direction. Just sort of... making things so very normally out of the ordinary. </p>
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<p>Sloopernicus wrote:
If you broke that up more, it could probably be a poem. But for something to be a micropasta, I think I read that there has to be two different events that occur in the plot. This doesn't really have a plot. It's just a mortician describing how he's lonely and wants to be the with dead people, or something.
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<p>Darn. Hmm. I'll just ask it to be taken down, then. I'm very picky when it comes to my poetry. It has to be superb for me to show it off anywhere. Thanks for the feedback! </p>
<p>Darn. Hmm. I'll just ask it to be taken down, then. I'm very picky when it comes to my poetry. It has to be superb for me to show it off anywhere. Thanks for the feedback! </p>
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<p>Wow, this story is amazing. It's actually pretty scary. I don't know if you can post it up, as it is not yours, so maybe you should ask a mod directly.
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<p>I was going to say to be careful with your semi-colon usage, but you corrected a lot of it in the second going at it... I think there is a saying from someone famous that you should only use a semi-colon once in your lifetime or not at all. I enjoyed reading your story, though. Grammar is just difficult, and it is almost impossible to memorize, so make sure to look up how to use it and have someone edit your writings. Even if it's your dog. Yes, your dog can read. Amazing, I know.
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