All posts by Snydrex
Well, it makes sense.....kinda.
The premise here appears to be that shopkeepers can go ape after they get stolen from, and will inevitably punish the one who did so, even to the exent of killing them out of vengeance, with mild sociopathic tendancies and an eerie devotion to their duty.
This is a good story. It could be a scary story. But the problem here seems to be that it's...well, not. Just like the author suggested it was in the epilogue. The problem lies within the presentation here. And, if I ever thought about stealing before, I sure as hell won't now.
But let us think more about the things that could be fixed here. I found the short formatting an easier read, but Graydon's right when he says there needs to be longer stuph. Also, it should be noted that some of the wording is confusing. For example, I was wondering why Gerald was yelling really loud until I read that the wind and rain was getting louder. That would be better placed before the dialogue.
Gerald calling the ambulance and then betraying Thomas was strange. If he knew his duty, why did do either of those things? Maybe because Thomas pushed him, and left a task for him to finish? Gerald's emotions toward Thomas didn't suggest a lot of hostility, making the backstab seem abrubt and confusing.
Constant dialogue actually takes away from the immersion, expecially "Karma, bitch!" But that's easily fixed. And the snowglobe shattering at the end might be symbolic, but the shopkeepers don't seem to care much, making me think that they are a sociopathic secret society.
Well, the written sounds are excellent. The descriptions are beautiful, but could be expanded. The opening is excellent, catching the reader off-guard. The narrator is ureliable and mysterious at first, making you wonder about his attitude. (which is a good thing.)
I found the playful way the protagonist was treating the victim odd, but when everything cleared up, that made sense. Pretty ingenious, actually.
A suspenseful read, and an interesting reason not to steal. A flawed gem in the works, I could say.
7.5 Thomas the tank'ed engine/ 10
For me, the problem is the morbid curiosity. He just one day decided to kill something. A kitten, no less. His daughter's kitten. That tells me he wasn't "normal" to begin with and had psychotic tendancies from the start.
It would be so much better if he encountered like, for example a dying dog or deer on the side of the road, and instead of calling a vet, he ends its suffering, making it a moral/ semi-normal descision while at the same time adding to his bloodlust and thirst for more, starting his diversion FROM normal.
Oh, and " A friend from middle school told me that if you tie a rope to a cat’s tail. Then throw it out of a moving car while holding onto said rope. The tail should come clean off." Replace the middle periods with commas.
Well-written, well thought out, and overall a solid presentation. The psychological torture aspect adds an air of mystery to the story. But this story's a little flawed in a few ways...
The presentation of the maggot man was indeed unnerving, but it got less and less scary the more he began to appear. Rather than a sadistic torturer, he began to appear as a bully who just screwed around in disgusting ways. What he did to the protagonist in the end tied up loose ends, sure, but If he's done this before, how does he never leave?
The "silent night" aspect of the story fell apart on me. I mean, it began to focus on the terrifying thought that you're alone, with something stalking you, but then instead began to focus on Oogie Boogie and his dead animal shenanigans. I loved this part, actually. The descriptions constructed a feeling of dread and hopelessness of being in a literal empty night. It was the best part of this story, in my opinion.
And the ending isn't that bad, but it seems to try to explain too much about this nemesis stalker guy.
Don't get me wrong. This story was presented amazingly, and kept a solid uneasiness growing through me during the second half, as well as making me legitimately unnerved during the first part. This was an amazing example of exploitation of "the fear of the unknown" aspect of horror. It could just use more focus.
Good story, great presentation. Seems to change from lonely fear to stalking nemesis a third of the way through.
8.9/10
Ahh, no matter how many times I read this, it never gets old.
The best detail about this story, I think, is the speculation. I mean, is there REALLY a ghost? Or is that just the first step into a spiral of madness?
But anyway, review time.
Still an immersive and beautiful read. The asterick separators really help with the overall readability, and most of my complaints about the original are just nonexistant. There's just that "My baby don't love me no more." that kiiinda puts me off. A bit. But there's a chance that could be a reference to a song of the same name by the DeJohn sisters, so there's depth behind that, too. Really, that's good.
And the descriptions still go a long way, but they still help me to imagine the grotesque details behind this story. So they aren't that much of a problem.
The coarse language is still present, but because of scarcity, It now sounds like more of a personification tool for the narrator, which is nice.
And, foreshadowing symbolic sexual innuendo. It exists now. Amazing job on that.
And the result:
...Have you ever considered writing a book?
9.8/10. Well done.
EDIT: Oh, and thanks for directing me here. It really CAN get better, huh?