<p>My pastas haven't garnered much attention lately, so I thought I'd put one up here for review.
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</p><p>"The crosshairs were fixed on the German’s head. The Russian held his breath and steadied the rifle, prepared to take the shot. His cheeks grew slack and his eyes squinted so as to get a better view of the target. The Russian pulled back on the trigger, releasing the projectile.
</p><p>The shot sailed through the air and landed just a foot below the German’s head, burying itself in the sandbags set up around the perimeter. Shit! He had miscalculated the bullet drop. The German, acknowledging this as the perfect opportunity to strike back, poised his rifle and fired a shot in return.
</p><p>The bullet whistled towards the Russian at high speed. It grazed past the man’s ear, rupturing some of the tissue in his earlobe. The Russian hollered in pain, ducking behind cover and applying pressure to the wound. At the very same moment, the German also felt an intense, burning sensation in his ear.
</p><p>This puzzled the German, because as far as he knew, he hadn’t been struck by a bullet. He swabbed the side of his ear with his middle and index fingers to see if there was a wound – his gloved hand didn’t show any blood on it, so he couldn’t have been shot. What on earth could have happened?
</p><p>The Russian cursed under his breath and cautiously poked his head above the sandbags while looking through the scope. He aligned the crosshairs with the German’s head and pulled back on the trigger once more, firing yet another projectile towards the German dog.
</p><p>The bullet tore through the German’s shoulder, causing him to scream in anguish. He fell backwards onto the cold stone ground. Suddenly and without warning, the German saw a multitude of Russians surrounding him, asking what had happened. How could he understand their language? It did not matter. Acknowledging them as the enemy, he attempted to withdraw his pistol and shoot them. But alas, he had not the strength to do this. His eyes began to feel heavy and he could not resist the urge to lull into a deep sleep.
</p><p>The German awoke alongside his brothers in arms who were currently defending the encampment with the turret emplacements they had set around the perimeter. He tried to bring himself to his feet, but he felt a sharp pain in his right shoulder. Oh yes, that’s right. He had been shot. Who were those people? Where did they go? He shook his head and disregarded those thoughts, writing them off as mere hallucinations. A medic soon came to the German’s side and bandaged his wound to get him back into the battle.
</p><p>Meanwhile, the Russian had experienced a similar episode. He came back into consciousness just as, if not more, confused as the German. He glanced to the left and saw his comrades holding up fort there. He, too, tried to find his footing, but found that he had an equally severe pain in his right shoulder. He glanced at his shoulder where the pain was emanating, but there was not an entrance nor an exit wound to be seen. How odd. He figured he had experienced some kind of psychological episode that is commonplace during war. He ignored the burning sensation in his arm and returned to his post.
</p><p>The German was determined to end his opponent once and for all. With his wound bandaged by a tourniquet, he arose and surveyed the landscape briefly to get a visual on the enemy sniper. After a few moments, he spotted the Russian swine looking through his scope. Seizing the opportunity, the German aimed for the man’s throat so as to inflict a slow, painful death of blood loss and asphyxiation for all of the suffering that bastard had caused. With his breath held and weapon poised, the German pulled the trigger. The shot rang true."
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<p>Crinal123: You're right in saying Synergy isn't creepy, and you aren't the first to point that out. It is, however, paranormal. I elected not to describe the episodes in great detail in order to retain the air of mystery while simultaneously making it as obvious as possible that when one hurts the other, he also harms himself; it's a balance, and one not easily kept. As for "shit" and oh yes, that's right" being out of place, it's worth noting that these are the words each man thought to himself. The confusion may have arisen from the fact that only spoken words need quotation marks, while thoughts do not.
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</p><p>Mistwalker09:<i> </i>I was visualizing the Battle of Stalingrad when I wrote it. The reason I chose this setting is because to feel pain during the heat of battle, real or imagined, is not unusual. However, a domestic setting like the ones you suggested would allow for them to quickly realize they're working towards their mutually assured destruction. In the chaos of battle, one does not have the time to think about such things. </p><p>
</p><p>I would like to thank you both for taking the time to read and review my pasta. I greatly appreciate it. </p>
</p><p>Mistwalker09:<i> </i>I was visualizing the Battle of Stalingrad when I wrote it. The reason I chose this setting is because to feel pain during the heat of battle, real or imagined, is not unusual. However, a domestic setting like the ones you suggested would allow for them to quickly realize they're working towards their mutually assured destruction. In the chaos of battle, one does not have the time to think about such things. </p><p>
</p><p>I would like to thank you both for taking the time to read and review my pasta. I greatly appreciate it. </p>
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<p>I hope bumping an unread thread isn't against the Writer's Workshop rules.
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<p>Administrators don't have for that. The quality standards exist so you know what is expected of your pasta before it's uploaded to the wiki. If you're afraid it doesn't meet the standards, then it probably doesn't. You can post your pasta on the Writer's Workshop board if you want feedback.
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<p>I enjoy endings that are left for the audience to decide. Pan's Labyrinth is a great example. However, there is a fine line between letting the reader choose and having the reader do your work for you.
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<p>If your pasta is based on a dream, then that would explain why it's incoherent. The question is why are you trying to provide a rational basis for the story when it's clearly not based in reality?
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<p>That would mean he's experiencing delusions of grandeur which, once again, are a symptom of schizophrenia. You haven't thought this through, have you?
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<p>If it isn't schizophrenia, then what is it? I'm trying to help, but it's rather difficult when the person you're trying to assist is calling you a douchebag.
</p><p>Edit: Wait, you typed this in an hour? My critique took about that long, and you're taking a fat shit on it. I really don't appreciate that.
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<p>That's a very long pasta. You might consider posting only the first part for criticism and providing a link to the entire thing if people are interested.
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<p>Please describe what is meant by "some sort of mental illness." If you're referring to paranoid schizophrenia, then it's worth noting that violence is not a symptom of schizophrenia. Schizophrenics rarely ever become violent, and if they do, they've met multiple of the following conditions:
</p><p>1) Have not taken their medication for a prolonged period of time.
</p><p>2) Are not aware they are mentally ill.
</p><p>3) Are taking drugs and alcohol.
</p><p>David seems to have met the first condition. He clearly hasn't exhibited the second, as the words "you can't just stop [taking your medication]" indicate David is aware one way or another that he hasn't been taking his medication. As for the third, a glass of wine really isn't enough to elicit this kind of response.
</p><p>While it's true that when a schizophrenic behaves violently towards other people it is most often directed towards family members, violence committed by a schizophrenic is inflicted on the self in the vast majority of cases, not other people. The fact of the matter is that David's behavior does not logically follow.
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</p><p>Sources: </p><p>http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/schizophrenia/index.shtml#pub4 </p><p>http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/03/16/are-people-with-schizophrenia-violent/ </p><p>http://www.schizophrenia.com/poverty.htm# </p><p>Took AP psychology last year </p>
</p><p>Sources: </p><p>http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/schizophrenia/index.shtml#pub4 </p><p>http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/03/16/are-people-with-schizophrenia-violent/ </p><p>http://www.schizophrenia.com/poverty.htm# </p><p>Took AP psychology last year </p>
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<p>You're supposed to paste your story into the forum post, but I don't care. After reading the beginning of your previous pasta, I can say this is a vast improvement. The introduction is on par with most good pastas on this site, describing the main character and preparing the audience for the events to come. Unfortunately, nothing good came of it.
</p><p>The plot escalated too quickly into one of domestic abuse, creating what can be described as an amateur Dolores Claiborne, but even that would be giving it too much honor. The story was wholly unbelievable, not just because a demon was involved in an otherwise non-supernatural affair, but also in that the events leading up to David's frenzy did not warrant such a reaction. 5.2/10
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<div class="quote"><i>Agentskintaker wrote:
If your feedback includes the words lame or pornography (which is half the stuff on this site), then it isn't worth my time. I hoped that it would be, but I should have known better. </i></div>
<p>Dictionary.com defines pornography as "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit." This is precisely what I meant when I referred to your story as such. It's one thing if sex plays an important role in your story, like in The Black Dog and Goat, but it was just added here as a cheap attempt to shock the audience. Here is an example of where explicit sexual content is acceptable:
</p><p>[excerpt removed] </p><p>Do you see the difference? </p>
If your feedback includes the words lame or pornography (which is half the stuff on this site), then it isn't worth my time. I hoped that it would be, but I should have known better. </i></div>
<p>Dictionary.com defines pornography as "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit." This is precisely what I meant when I referred to your story as such. It's one thing if sex plays an important role in your story, like in The Black Dog and Goat, but it was just added here as a cheap attempt to shock the audience. Here is an example of where explicit sexual content is acceptable:
</p><p>[excerpt removed] </p><p>Do you see the difference? </p>
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<p>As is the custom in my reviews, I will begin with grammar. I noticed in your second paragraph that you seem attracted to the word "whom" to the extent that you use it incorrectly; it should have been "who" in each case. For future reference, "whom" is used to describe the subject of an action, while "who" describes the person committing the action. Additionally, "my two thirty-three year old parents" should be "my two 33-year-old parents." It's also worth noting that when combining two words to form a single descriptor, you should put a hyphen between them; "Raven haired" should be "raven-haired," and "blue eyed" becomes "blue-eyed."
</p><p>The story itself is uninteresting. Some Japanese kid raised by his parents to become a serial killer? Sounds like Jeff the Killer gone weaboo, which isn't such a bad thing if you're going to be posting this on deviantART; it'll attract plenty of attention from the fanboys. There is also the fact that you used the same descriptors without much variation. Some examples are "debauchery," "evil," and "sin."
</p><p>My advice: Scrap it. You're better than this.
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<div class="quote"><i>Agentskintaker wrote:
It is about a serial killer posting all the horrible things he did on the internet. Serial killers have actually sent letters to victims families like the one above, http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/notorious/fish/9.html. No I don't think it sounds cool. I think it sounds real and reality based in fiction is far scarier. The man above could actually exist that should frighten people. If you don't think anyone picturing a decapitated woman riding their cock isn't a little fucked up in the head. There is something wrong with you. </i></div>
<p>What difference does that make? There are people who smoke the ashes of the deceased. That doesn't mean I should write a whole story about it.
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It is about a serial killer posting all the horrible things he did on the internet. Serial killers have actually sent letters to victims families like the one above, http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/notorious/fish/9.html. No I don't think it sounds cool. I think it sounds real and reality based in fiction is far scarier. The man above could actually exist that should frighten people. If you don't think anyone picturing a decapitated woman riding their cock isn't a little fucked up in the head. There is something wrong with you. </i></div>
<p>What difference does that make? There are people who smoke the ashes of the deceased. That doesn't mean I should write a whole story about it.
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<div class="quote"><i>Vesheljinn wrote:
Bathory - Blood Fire Death <p>trve kvlt </p> </i></div>
<p>so kvlt i shit corpsepaint </p>
Bathory - Blood Fire Death <p>trve kvlt </p> </i></div>
<p>so kvlt i shit corpsepaint </p>
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<p>I just told you what's wrong with it. You can fix it yourself.
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<p>Sounds like a combination of <i>Soul Eater </i>and <i>The Walking Dead</i>. Apart from that, not too shabby.
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