It's cute. Your previous ones were kind of better. This isn't too bad though, either way, I like the implication of the monster not being specifically a monster but rather the effects of child neglect or some other more internal problem.
I do suggest switching from present tense to past tense, maybe I'm wrong, but the present tense feels weird. I don't know why. Think about it, see how it works, I guess.
Excessive gore isn't really good. It's just disgusting. It is part of being scared, I guess, to be disgusted but it isn't the whole thing. You can use gore throughout your story, and in decent amounts but there has to be a point to it. If it's just done because you want to display your knowledge of the anatomical structure of the human body forgo that. If you're doing a story about an incredibly savage beast, use gore - it's appropriate I'd say. Just make it not only gore. What else is important is a decent usage of the English language, proof read yourself and don't be shy to ask for help with your technical stuff. As for cliches, it's really all tropes. I mean you could take a dumb slasher trope (a hokey masked killed with a big knife) and make him work if your deliver, pace, setting and atmosphere are original and captivating enough. There are some blacklisted topics on the wiki if you're planning to post there, some of which found their way onto said list as a result of over saturation (becoming cliche).
And yes, this is a Poem
If it's a poem, try to add something that'll allow for a rhythmic reading. The way it is now it's just a few unrelated sentences centered on the same topic.
Uhhh is this supposed to be a story or a poem? I'm genuinely unsure. This is basically a bare bones idea, not even a plot I'd say. Give it more meat ~ develop this into an actual story. Or adapt it into a proper poem where words are meant to be read with a rhythm while they are dressed with various literary poetic and linguistic devices. You know as poems tend to be. For now it's pretty much just the basis of something
Saw the bad ending coming from a mile away but sometimes tried and true works best. I was still interested in just how it will end. I wasn't disappointed. Making a "living" mannequin out of her in this kind of fashion wasn't expected and fairly unique.
The word play at the end which ties to the whole thing was also lovely.
I like it, not sure how others will perceive it because it relies more on general literary tropes and mechanism but I think it's fairly neat
Oh now it's better, now we know what the hell's going on. I like your improvements, I guess that's ready to be served
It's pretty good. You've a nice style for sure. It's less in your face scary and more atmopsheric. Sort of grimdark kind of thing but less grim or dark than grimdark.
The invisible monsters idea was pretty neat. Better than Birdbox, that one was borderline silly.
The one issue here is that, again, we've to know your lore and that this story feels like the middle of something bigger than being a whole in on of itself. This time the lore familiarity only becomes relevant at the end but even then, it's kind of weird. Also, I feel like this should be the continuation of the previous one you've posted but it seems like there has been a timeskip between this one and the previous story. There we just meet Seneca and here we are supposed to be familiar with the guy. Kind of weird.
Snow in a sand desert, ah what a rarity, though it happens about once in a century or so. It's not very dense and thick though, so maybe change the location. Or forgo the mention of desert, because while antartica is a desert, the idea of a freak storm might be convoluting here and it's fairly irrelevant where he is. It's the outdoors somewhere with a weird storm going on.
I was expecting a typical Cornomic story, some dark fantasy, sci fi thing that isn't as deep as your ambition tries to make it. This wasn't it. I genuinely enjoyed that one. It felt similar to The Thing, I'm sure you probably to an inspiration from that, but it was also different. The lack of melodramatic elements up to the point where the thing reveals itself to be "alive" or rather functional is a good approach to this. Just let your protagonist choose between a rock and a hard place, either choice is going to be uncomfortable and eventually lethal. Neither is any better than the other.
Even the things that occur inside the fake corpse after the twist is revealed still somewhat make sense and keep the themes.
Also, I loved the mention of the idea that "gore never bothered him, but facing actual real life gore just sucks"
The last part, I think is overdoing it. I know you mentioned Rachel and the love and a joint camping trip but you almost never can set up a single character story without mentioning others. So somewhat expending it to feature her as the next victim was needless The ending of the first part was pretty much perfect as an ending to the whole story. The thing revealed itself to be a predator, it took away Leonard in a unique and not too gory way and the story ended with a curtain going down on it's internal world. Honestly planting the idea that Leonard will be forced to watch his wife join them in whatever it is they're stuck in is both an overkill and somewhat half assed. The implication alone after the ending of the first part isn't enough as it is. I suggest dropping that last part altogether.
This is so bonkers, but regardles of the issues itself the story is somewhat entertaining and funny. It won't fly here even if you fix the mechanical issues cause it's a troll pasta more than a creepyone. Post it on Lolpasta or something, should fit there perfectly.
Haven't seen one of these in a while now. This more aligned with Chekhov's idea of what theatre should be like, representing all the boring bits and pieces of life along with the dramatic elements. While many people might say "trim the fat" or "there's a lot of needless information here". Well, I don't think so. This story builds on very basic elements and a very realistic sutble sort of take on what I can describe best as a ghost story.
Now, I say this because the monster seems more like a ghost than an actual Banshee. These don't tend to do much other alert people of someone's impending death and her origin story, or propose ones are more than of a wailing ghost per se as opposed to a Aos So. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of "This Banshee doesn't just wail and mourn the death of people, it also eats brains" or something. It's just sort of weird to me, considering the ludicrous amount of popular folk and mythology based monsters and violent spirits. I'm going to bet it's just a matter of convinience for you, so it's me neat picking here. If you're ever interested in doing another Celtic/Gaelic based antagonistic creature, look up Baobhan sith.
Lastly, I'd suggest maintaining some sort of Irish speech mannerisms and maybe some Irish slang from wherever you think the settlers originate, if you already decided to mention they've a slight Irish accent.
Overall, it's a nice ghost encounter story that draws on traditional fiction, I like it.
I mean it's sort of all over the place, why did they go there? Why didn't they leave there when the monsters start showing up? For some idealic reason that ended up killing people, that's irrational and insensible. People don't do that. So make the monsters more subtle until the climax of the story comes. They don't have to even show up, just have like a bunch of weird plant and animal life roaming around giving the cast jeebies.
Also, why aren't these guys more Latin American? sounds like you don't know Hispanic or Portuguese names.
The person falling scene is usually done in a silly fashion, so i suggest either making it more sensible (again - just have him injured before the ending, or just clumsy overall) or remove it.
The ending didn't make any sense. What's it supposed to convey, it waved "goodbye for now" like it was toying with them, or foreseeing their return? What is even going on?
This was so weird and needs a re-write I suppose.
I am sorry that I came off a little rude too.
Hi William. It's nice to see you in the nonflesh again
Yep, you can remove them
Focus more on the encounter, make it darker, even if it's just something non threatening in reality. Just exaggerate the "scariness" of the whole situation in a way that doesn't come off as all over the place and more comedic than scary or at least "darkly" gripping. Make sure you make the thing in the garden seem like the scariest thing, elaborate on the emotions of fear and dread. Have the cat be irate and distressed, even in an unrelated manner. Cat got pissed at something and is acting like all hell broke loose, have the protagonist correlate the two occurances and drive themselves deeper into their self induced panic. Etc. You can always tie in folk tale elements (ghosts, spirits, demons, whatever).
As for other issues, there's a stylistic thing where you over-did the feline "lines" and the stylization of the ellipsis which is mildy annoying. (. . .) ugh.
Cut out the filler stuff, ei, reduce the random talks with the cat about things. The notion is, if it doesn't serve any purpose in the plot - it should be omitted.
The biggest issue with this is that there's nothing horror related in this. It's just a little fantasy-ish story. There are some other issues too, but obviously since this isn't even the right genre to be on this site. I don't see a reason to continue.
Read this on the main site, yesterday and I liked it very much. Sounds a lot like what the real thing could've been, in terms of the cruel soldiers and the whole sarcastic cynicism coming from them. I don't know if the old bloke was over zealous with his fascination over the old regime but you know, there are weirder delusions out there than longing and hoping for the USSR to come back.
Good job, my friend.
I like that.
I couldn't understand why did the protagonist go with this guy to the mine? What's the reasoning behind this whole journey? Seems like there isn't any. If that's the case, I suggest you figure out what's the point of this whole ordeal otherwise it just feels like "why did she even do that? Huh? What the? Why is she complaining? Huuuuuh what theeee?"
Could go to really dark places if she was kidnapped or something, but then again, we can't know since you didn't tell us it was against her will or anything.