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The day I lost her, was the day I lost myself.

I can't deal with it. I can't deal with this pain! All the things I have ever felt for this woman, are gone. And it hurts. Hurts so much, I can't differentiate my mind from reality anymore and think of losing my own life. 249 days have gone by. 250 days have gone by. 251 DAYS HAVE GONE BY, AND I STILL COUNT WHEREVER I GO. Even when it's dark.

Sometimes I think to myself, is any of this real? Or is it all part of my imagination? Am I really in the dark, and have been for this long, or has this just been a never-ending nightmare? And if it is a nightmare, how long have I been asleep? What made me sleep for so long? Am I in a coma, in darkness, or in hell? Or am I actually dead? Can't tell anymore.

I have stayed in my house for months, without going outside. Even though I see the daylight through my windows, I refuse to believe this is reality sometimes. I can't tell if what I feel is true anymore. I don't eat, I barely sleep. The times I do eat, I get delivery. But when I open the door, they usually run off, leaving the food to me. Is it because I'm a monster? A monster for what I have done??? Is it because I have lost all sanity over the things that have happened in my life???

She was only 23. We only walked down the street, when a man, looking for a life saving he could live on, threatened my lovers’ life. I told him, that his bluff was called, and dared to say I had no money in a bank, for all I make is cash at home. Instead of making me grab the money at home, where my firearms were, he took my lovers’ life. I tried calling the police. I tried getting her to the hospital, but it was already too late.

I still think upon my mistake, as it defeats my sanity every day. The day I lost her, was the day I lost myself.