I’m sure most of you are aware of astral-projection, but if you're not here’s a short summary. It’s when an individual has a willing out of body experience, during which your consciousness can travel freely. The reason I bring this up is because I’m able to astral project and even travel through different planes of our reality. Now I know what you're thinking, but I can assure you that I’m not some druggy that tripped off DMT and now believes that I’m somehow smarter for doing it; I’m not going to give you some bullshit about how I opened my third butthole or something and I’m not interested in spouting “woke” rhetoric. I’m just here to tell my story.
It all started when I was a kid. I had a pretty shitty childhood and during my dad's meth-fueled assaults on my mother, I found that the safest place I could hide away was under my bed. The sturdy wood frame and dark lighting comforted me. Within in this hidden corner, I began to wish to escape somewhere else. Anywhere else, far away from my father's rage and my mother’s screaming.
And one day it happened.
With my eyes closed, I saw a single dot of white light appear within the inky blackness of my mind. The sensation of being disconnected from my body was unmistakable. The point of light extended out and formed a ring of white light, beginning to expand further and soon occupying every inch of space around me. Moving through this shifting tunnel of light, a ring of blue spread across my vision and engulfed the once ivory white. I was in awe and later as an adult would realize that I was moving through gateways into different planes of reality. With each gate I passed through, the colors became more and more varied and they began to combine, forming an amalgamation of incredibly vibrant hues. I moved through a kaleidoscope of colors and patterns, even textures began to form the longer I stayed in this state of consciousness.
As a child, I didn't know what I was experiencing, just that It made a good distraction from the horrors of my day-to-day life. Sometimes I spent hours just gazing at the seemingly infinite, multi-colored light tunnels and their phantasmagoric qualities, never truly knowing the danger I was putting myself in.
As I matured into a teenager I stopped hiding under beds and started rebelling against my parents. In times of distress I would simply leave the house. By 8th grade, I had run away to live with an aunt, forgetting about my astral projections by my freshman year of high school. I wouldn't recall them until junior year when a conversation about strange childhood experiences amongst my friends brought the memories flooding back. I asked my friends if they ever had anything similar, thinking that it was common for people to experience this phenomenon as children. Sadly, no one knew what I was talking about. I inquired about it to many teachers and nobody could give me any real answers about what I had experienced. This only served to fuel my curiosity and I began to ravenously research everything associated with dream interpretations, psychology, and even paganism all in an attempt to find out about what I had experienced. After high school I became obsessed with meditation, lucid dreaming, and astral projection in an attempt to recreate what I had experienced but to no avail. Eventually, I was able to succeed in astral projection during prolonged meditation sessions, though it was not the same.
In my early twenties I started researching transcendence and it was around this time my mother died. Years of abuse at my father's hands had driven her to suicide. I had left her alone, selfish in my need to escape and I had abandoned her. I left her to deal with that monster, alone. Now unable to run away from my problems, I turned to the metaphysical. The real cruelty of this life is that consciousness is confined within vessels that will inevitably fail, regardless of how well they’re treated. Our lives will always come to an end, whether it be abrupt or we see ourselves slowly wither away. Few are lucky to go in peace. I began to long to leave this body behind, to leave this plane behind. I longed to be a part of so much more, to reach out to the furthest expanse of our existence, to see what no human has ever seen. I refused to suffer this mortal coil any longer.
After I spent several months researching extensive writings from the widely known to the esoteric. I came to the conclusion that our universe was “layered” with different facets of it being impossible to reach or perceive under normal circumstances. However, I had the ability to send my consciousness occupying a spiritual form into these different facets through these tunnels of light I saw as a child. With this knowledge, I hoped to reach a higher plane so that I could exist as a transcendent being free from the shackles of mortality.
The main obstacle was that I still could not replicate my childhood experiences. I figured that my mind was always too clouded with various tumultuous emotions and that I needed to recreate the most peaceful moments of my life, the time spent under that sturdy wooden bed frame.
I decided to pay my father a visit. He hadn't seen me in years and didn't even attend my mom's funeral. Upon my arrival, the bastard had the gall to try to shut the door in my face while simultaneously grunting that me that he didn't have any money to give me. He was surprised to hear that I was the one that wanted to offer him money, for my old bed frame. He eagerly took my offer.
“That old piece of shit? It’s still in your room, she never did want to get rid of it. Guess it turned out for the better”
Reluctantly I asked him If I could pay him extra to have the room to myself for a while. He didn’t protest and simply took my money. He left shortly after and I felt relieved, not wanting any outside distractions.
Creaking open the door to my old room I saw that it was incredibly dusty but everything was left relatively untouched. I lay under my bed, curling up in a fetal position so I wouldn't have my feet sticking out while mimicking how I used to lie there so many years ago. I closed my eyes and started to relax and recall my childhood.
It felt as if I spent hours in the hazy darkness of my mind, lost in its murkiness waiting expectantly. I was about to slip into the numbing embrace of sleep when a vaguely familiar point of light appeared. Incandescent like an afterimage burned into my retinas, it exploded into a supernova of impossibly bright white light. I was being consumed by its sheer intensity as a blue hue began to stain and darken what was once impeccably white. Rolling waves of navy blue spread out and engulfed me, it was finally happening.
I don’t know how long I spent moving through these landscapes of shifting colors. I saw so much I couldn't understand, patterns that revealed the structure of our universe, colors, and shapes that we could not perceive; I saw it all. After an eternity I reached what I somehow knew to be the final gate as an infinite spectrum of color spiraled and whipped about in a violent storm of color. A singular black dot stood at the center of the maddening but brilliant polychromatic tempest. I was on the precipice of a whole new state of existence. As I approached the event horizon the storm around me died down as I was drawn into the black void.
I bathed in the endless darkness, wondering if I had done it. If I had reached the apex of our reality. I was suddenly blinded by a luminous slit of pure white that extended across my field of vision and blossomed out as stars exploded into existence, quasars, solar systems, entire galaxies took shape before me and revealed their true nature. A cosmic eye formed of countless celestial bodies gazed into me and I was taken aback, in danger of losing my myself in its sheer beauty. I was witnessing the birth and death of countless astronomical objects. Iridescent light shone down upon me in its unfathomable glory. I wondered if I was I looking into the eye of God.
A stream of knowledge linked us as it began to bestow me with wisdom previously unknown to man. But what I learned should have stayed unknown. I wasn't gazing into God but instead into the eye of a slain god, far older than our pitiful universe and that wasn't all. Something else inhabited this god’s body. An entire civilization of beings carved from its flesh dwelled within it claiming it as their holy city. They were alien to anything I had ever known. Silhouettes of them flashed in my mind, cephalopodic in shape with had gnarled tentacles and gaping maws. I was left in sheer terror when I realized why they had chosen to appear before me. I now knew why they looked down on me with insatiable curiosity. These things had been gathering lifeforms from all corners of our reality to add to their collection and they haven't been “granting” me knowledge, Their thoughts had simply imprinted themselves into my mind unintentionally along with the images of countless beings imprisoned within their city.
I had made a terrible mistake.
A pyramid of manipulated light encased me. These things could bend light itself to their will. I screamed internally, overcome with hysteria as I noticed an outline of my corporeal body taking shape around me. These things were trying to bring my body to them. As my prison was being drawn into the iris, I began to feel a searing pain, worse than anything I had ever felt before, starting from my toes and slowly moving up my foot. I looked down and saw that half my foot had formed. They were gonna rip me apart atom by atom and reassemble me here. I had to get away and sheer unadulterated, primal, fear took over me. My panicked mind was struggling to hold itself together. The pain was so unbearable I wished I could take my own life just to spare myself.
The pain had spread all the way to my knee when finally the pyramid cage around me shattered and I plummeted down into a prismatic whirlpool. I fell backwards through all the all the gates at terrifying speeds, my mind bent and twisted in that hellscape of hues rushing past me. When I had finally reached my body I was an inconsolable mess, screaming and thrashing wildly. My dad had called the cops on me after I trashed his house and I was taken away for treatment. I eventually was released after my shattered psyche was haphazardly stitched back together. I had survived my encounter but was left a traumatized wreck.
The doctors couldn't explain what happened to my leg, everything from my right knee down is just gone. Not amputated, there is no scar tissue even at a molecular level. It’s like it was never even there, just a smooth stump. I know those bastards still have it because of the phantoms pains I feel. I can feel the experiments they perform on my leg with excruciating accuracy. I felt my leg being reduced into a pulp multiple times and then reassembled and put back on display as something to gawk at. That's all life is to them, a passing curiosity that they can imprison, tear apart and reassemble endlessly for their own entertainment. I can still hear faint echoes of their thoughts occasionally.
I can only say this was the consequence of my own cowardice. Had I faced my problems head on instead of pursuing a forbidden realm in the name of escapism, I might have found some closure.
One last thing, take this as a warning of sorts. They know of our existence now, they took my leg and I live in constant fear that they'll come to collect the rest of me. Humans come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Pray that I’ll be enough to satiate their curiosity.