I have to wholeheartedly agree with Ned on this one, it's long and tedious. There isn't much of a grabber here. The plot does remind me of every other bully story gone batshit wrong. Kind of like what would've been of Ed Gein if he didn't make stuff out of his victims and got bullied as a kid.
It's not very appealing to be honest.
Maybe make this story about how he was bullied as a kid, and how his life was awful and it kept building up forever until it snapped and he just killed someone innocent and kept their body out of some sort of twisted guilt and loneliness. That obviously will require a long work, but it could be a breath of fresh air into that bully story prototype.
You can keep it a moral story as well.
And also, stereotypical story bullies are usually good with most adults, thats how they get away from major punishments. So...
P.s instead of using capslock to accentuate anger or strong emotion, use panctuation marks :D
All the same there is no excuse for disrespect. If his disrespect is because his father is abscent you should make it known rather than making us guess. Actually, until it is mentioned, we have no clue that he is from a single parent home.
And come to think of it, why was Winslow so upset over him seeing all that stuff? That went virtually nowhere. Never mind what he exposes him to later.
The thing is that people come here for stories that creep them out. Morals stories, especially ones that aren't realistic, just aren't scary. In fact, adding a moral makes it less scary.
It's not very appealing to be honest.
Maybe make this story about how he was bullied as a kid, and how his life was awful and it kept building up forever until it snapped and he just killed someone innocent and kept their body out of some sort of twisted guilt and loneliness. That obviously will require a long work, but it could be a breath of fresh air into that bully story prototype.
You can keep it a moral story as well.
And also, stereotypical story bullies are usually good with most adults, thats how they get away from major punishments. So...
P.s instead of using capslock to accentuate anger or strong emotion, use panctuation marks :D
That's... that's not even remotely what this story is meant to be about.
At all.
This isn't some story about a kid turning into a serial killer, it's about how hard it is to let go of someone who lost.
Though that's not very clear, actually, now that I think about it.
And come to think of it, why was Winslow so upset over him seeing all that stuff? That went virtually nowhere. Never mind what he exposes him to later.
The thing is that people come here for stories that creep them out. Morals stories, especially ones that aren't realistic, just aren't scary. In fact, adding a moral makes it less scary.
Winslow's basically mentally unstable, not all there so to speak. Though his behavior is a little bit over the top at times, so I should change that a bit.
Also, how exactly does he disrespect Winslow directly? Was it in the opening?
I think another problem this story might have is that I am doing too much at once, but at the same time, I don't want to cut a lot of this because it still feels relevant to the story itself. There's meant to be moments of character development, showing that in the end, Ryan feels somewhat responsible for Winslow because the deceased family and friends entrust him with his safety before being taken away. Though why he would feel obligated, now that I think about it, is never given, which is another issue.
How exactly would this story be considered long and tedious, though? I almost feel like I should make it longer now, just to bring up more details which are relevant.
I mean there is no excuse for disrespecting his mother. Anyway he is disrespecting Winslow behind his back which is just as bad as being disrespectful to his face.
As for making it longer, I strongly advise against it. As Bloody and I have said, this story is already longer than it has to be.
As for making it longer, I strongly advise against it. As Bloody and I have said, this story is already longer than it has to be.
You did notice how his mother doesn't really give a damn about him? He also drops the being disrespectful to Winslow thing pretty fast.
How long do you think this story should even be? There's a lot here I really like and wanna explore, but I should probably stick with a single concept and plant the seeds for those later ideas.
Also, it is considered long and tedious because it is. It takes a long time to get anywhere on this story, It takes a lot of reading until he reaches Winslow's house and when there we are given a tour of the old man's house, most of which does not actually add anything to the story.
It also feels like there is a lot of pointless dialogue.
"You did notice how his mother doesn't really give a damn about him?" Yes I did notice that. Still no excuse for disrespecting elders, especially your parents.
"How long do you think this story should even be? There's a lot here I really like and wanna explore" if you want to add to this, I suggest cutting a few things out.
UPDATE: I would like to add that his mother doesn't seem not to care about him. It sounds like she is trying to teach him to respect his elders.
It also feels like there is a lot of pointless dialogue.
So you're saying a lot of that should be cut? Some of that was supposed to set up later events, like the M1 Garand in Winslow's bedroom. That just can't come out of nowhere.
And what dialogue is supposed to feel pointless?
So you're saying a lot of that should be cut? Some of that was supposed to set up later events, like the M1 Garand in Winslow's bedroom. That just can't come out of nowhere.
Since I'm of the opinion the bully scene is tacked on, I find it pointless anyway.
As for the dialogue, we've got a lot tacked on here and there that not only adds nothing to the story, but also slows it down a bit.