http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_First_Bank
It's my first time trying my hand at a ritual creepypasta and I'd love to hear on ways to improve.
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_First_Bank
It's my first time trying my hand at a ritual creepypasta and I'd love to hear on ways to improve.
Surely if the exit was destroyed, you'd still be able to get out? Since an exit from a building is basically just a hole with a door, how could you destroy an exit in such a fashion that someone would be unable to exit using it?
Other than that, I thought that this was a very good ritual pasta - one of the best (newly posted) ritual pastas I've read for a while. You don't have to sacrifice much to be able to get to the money, but the risk of taking too much and getting trapped levels out the reward.
Other than that, I thought that this was a very good ritual pasta - one of the best (newly posted) ritual pastas I've read for a while. You don't have to sacrifice much to be able to get to the money, but the risk of taking too much and getting trapped levels out the reward.
I didnt necessarily mean the exit as the door. I meant exit in general. The ceiling above the entrance of the safe could drop down and force you to remain in the vault.
The stairs could have broken down and made it impossible to climb up unless you're Spiderman's offspring.
King Irving wrote:
Other than that, I thought that this was a very good ritual pasta - one of the best (newly posted) ritual pastas I've read for a while. You don't have to sacrifice much to be able to get to the money, but the risk of taking too much and getting trapped levels out the reward.
I didnt necessarily mean the exit as the door. I meant exit in general. The ceiling above the entrance of the safe could drop down and force you to remain in the vault.
The stairs could have broken down and made it impossible to climb up unless you're Spiderman's offspring.
OK, thanks for clearing that up. That was really the only major criticism I had with this pasta, so I think that it's great. :)
King Irving wrote:
Other than that, I thought that this was a very good ritual pasta - one of the best (newly posted) ritual pastas I've read for a while. You don't have to sacrifice much to be able to get to the money, but the risk of taking too much and getting trapped levels out the reward.
The stairs could have broken down and made it impossible to climb up unless you're Spiderman's offspring.
Thank you, I very much appreciate that.
It was good. I definately see this narrated on youtube in the future. Ritual pastas seem to gain a lot of notoriety. Promote it. Also try wattpad.com
Those are pretty strong words, thank you. I would try promoting it but I'm unsure of the technique of proper promotion soo.
Really awesome pasta you got there buddy.
9.5/10
It was engaging, and written in a way that kept me focused. It was written similarly to how many ritual pastas are, but that's not a real problem to me so long as it's readable.
The beginning paragraph did feel rather useless. I know that it's meant to provide a sort of introduction, but as I moved on to the rest of the story, it proved to have little correlation to the main plot (other than it talking about a bank). I would still use a form of introduction, but I'd try doing so by classifying a bank in other ways. I can think of many other places that can provide both joy and sadness, so the sentences come off as feeling incorrect.
You did an adequate job of picturing the bank and creating a strange, historical setting. The description begins to fall a bit short near the end, though, as the events of the ritual become rather rapid. The danger and reward both come spontaneously, and the story seems to drop off not long after. What happens if you remained trapped in the bank? For an almost supernatural setting, is money the only real mystery to uncover? With the idea of "great reward" and "awful destiny", I was expecting a bit more on both the good and bad outcomes.
You certainly have the essence of a good ritual pasta. I would concentrate most on making it your own, and adding more complicated and unique elements that would set it apart from other rituals. Keep on writing.
Hope I helped. -E
The beginning paragraph did feel rather useless. I know that it's meant to provide a sort of introduction, but as I moved on to the rest of the story, it proved to have little correlation to the main plot (other than it talking about a bank). I would still use a form of introduction, but I'd try doing so by classifying a bank in other ways. I can think of many other places that can provide both joy and sadness, so the sentences come off as feeling incorrect.
You did an adequate job of picturing the bank and creating a strange, historical setting. The description begins to fall a bit short near the end, though, as the events of the ritual become rather rapid. The danger and reward both come spontaneously, and the story seems to drop off not long after. What happens if you remained trapped in the bank? For an almost supernatural setting, is money the only real mystery to uncover? With the idea of "great reward" and "awful destiny", I was expecting a bit more on both the good and bad outcomes.
You certainly have the essence of a good ritual pasta. I would concentrate most on making it your own, and adding more complicated and unique elements that would set it apart from other rituals. Keep on writing.
Hope I helped. -E
It actually did, a lot. Thank you.