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There are a few grammar inconsistencies I noticed, but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
 
There are a few grammar inconsistencies I noticed, but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
   
Also, I think you should tweak the demon's personality a bit better. It sounds entirely too superficial with how he talks. For example, when he says "Take good care of her, sport". That sounds like something a grandparent may say (no offense). The demon needs to be more menacing. From my experience it is less of what someone/something says than what you write to describe them (don't go overboard either; just enough to make the reader feel uneasy). Sure, the demon can have some dialogue, but make it more limited and focus more on the surroundings and how the protagonist reacts to it; the clink of the chain, the mother's desperate wheezing sounds etc. To be honest, your description of the mother was more scarier than the demon. Anyway, a reader's imagination can paint very unsettling pictures. It's up to you to provide the outlines for them to "color inside" of them. Hopefully that makes sense.
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Also, I think you should tweak the demon's personality a bit better. It sounds entirely too superficial with how he talks. For example, when he says "Take good care of her, sport". That sounds like something a grandparent may say (no offense). The demon needs to be more menacing. From my experience it is less of what someone/something says than what you write to describe them (don't go overboard either; just enough to make the reader feel uneasy). Sure, the demon can have some dialogue, but make it more limited and focus more on the surroundings and how the protagonist reacts to it; the clink of the chain, the mother's desperate wheezing sounds etc.
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To be honest, your description of the mother was more scarier than the demon. A mentally challenged mother in hell being led around by a demon. That's really fucking creepy and you should maybe focus more on that.
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Anyway, a reader's imagination can paint very unsettling pictures. It's up to you to provide the outlines for them to "color inside" of them. Hopefully that makes sense.
   
 
Besides those things, I don't see why this can't be up on the site. Good job.
 
Besides those things, I don't see why this can't be up on the site. Good job.

Latest revision as of 21:25, November 13, 2015

This is actually written very well.

There are a few grammar inconsistencies I noticed, but nothing that can't be easily fixed.

Also, I think you should tweak the demon's personality a bit better. It sounds entirely too superficial with how he talks. For example, when he says "Take good care of her, sport". That sounds like something a grandparent may say (no offense). The demon needs to be more menacing. From my experience it is less of what someone/something says than what you write to describe them (don't go overboard either; just enough to make the reader feel uneasy). Sure, the demon can have some dialogue, but make it more limited and focus more on the surroundings and how the protagonist reacts to it; the clink of the chain, the mother's desperate wheezing sounds etc.

To be honest, your description of the mother was more scarier than the demon. A mentally challenged mother in hell being led around by a demon. That's really fucking creepy and you should maybe focus more on that.

Anyway, a reader's imagination can paint very unsettling pictures. It's up to you to provide the outlines for them to "color inside" of them. Hopefully that makes sense.

Besides those things, I don't see why this can't be up on the site. Good job.

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