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KillaHawke1 wrote:
Im really torn about this story. It definitely finishes strong, but the last sentence can be beefed up to something more original and scary. The beginning is definitely the weakest part of the story. The setup really didn't work for me. Saturday doctor appointments, forgetting it was Saturday, and tooth fairy visits during the day just wasn't something I could accept as realistic. There was also some strange word choices that made this a somewhat awkward read and really made it difficult identify with the main character. I couldn't get a feel for the character's age since the wording for the narrative or his inner voice was neither teenage like or childlike. This story could really work if you rework the start and infuse some personality into the protagonist so that when the tragedy occurs, the reader will have an impact

I really wasn't proud of the beginningeither; I rarely am with anything I write. I actually got the idea for it, however, based on my actual experiences. I have god awful dental hygiene (my parents have an unnatural fear for the dentist, thus we have never gone) so I actually began brushing my teeth and apparently my gum started bleeding. I meant to leave his age out, just some nondescript teenager. A moody, unhygenic teenager... So your every ordinary teenager, of sorts.

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