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Well, that escalated quickly.


In all fairness, you have a very good story here. The thing is you don't go... That extreme.... In a matter of days. For this story to be amazing it needs to be fleshed out over a span of years, not days. It takes months or years to progress into the later stages of the addiction (end stage being illegal activity such as this) for the majority of people. As I said, it is a great concept, but it needs more build up than this.


My suggestion, make this story at least 8X (preferably 10-12X) as long and make it over a period of years, throw in some religious guilt (maybe he goes to a Catholic school?), and add the demon tempting him in his mind.

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