Just a Guy That Likes Creepypastas wrote:
I know you mentioned how you hadn't fixed the grammar yet, but reading this is like trying to do simultaneous equations on a hangover. It's very incoherent, and you should really try to put it through a grammar-checking device ASAP (try doing this for any story you post on the workshop).

As for the plot, it doesn't make a lot of sense. The ending is clichéd: "it was all a dream, except it wasn't" is overused and shouldn't be utilised in a story unless it's done very well, which it isn't in this instance. The beginning sequence has little to no relation to the rest of the story, especially the ending. Also, the story moves very quickly, and if you're trying to make it creepy, I would advise putting in more detail.

There's a lot more to criticize, but I'm going to keep it brief. Basically, this just needs a lot more polish.

My dear friend you assumed it was a dream but it is not he's simple stuck in another realm. The grammer I know the grammer isn't good at all but I did not ask for grammer correction. The beggining has very much to do with the story it's just that I lost my way writing this and needed some help. Do not assume the most simplest thing when I write and post something on here because 90% of the time there is more under the surface ;) thank you helper. 

"We are all dead and the dead are the living, prove me wrong" - Simon Slaughters

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