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You really have enough build-up at the start of the story, anymore and you'll run the risk of losing the audience's focus. As for the tangents, I would suggest looking at the story again and deciding if it influences the story. (Does the previous tenant's tchotchke collection enhance the story?)
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You really have enough build-up at the start of the story, anymore and you'll run the risk of losing the audience's focus. As for the tangents, I would suggest looking at the story again and deciding if it influences the story. (Does the previous tenant's tchotchke collection enhance the story? Does it come into play later or give the audience insight into the story?)
   
 
Additionally this scene: "Damn! she fumed inwardly. I could have asked it what it was ? What it really wanted? Why it decided to use our upstairs bathroom? I could have solved an inexplicable mystery." really doesn't seem to fit as the character was previously fending the creature off from entering the room. You don't necessarily escape from danger and immediately regret not spending more time asking it questions. Maybe if there was a bit of time passing there, it might feel a bit more warranted.
 
Additionally this scene: "Damn! she fumed inwardly. I could have asked it what it was ? What it really wanted? Why it decided to use our upstairs bathroom? I could have solved an inexplicable mystery." really doesn't seem to fit as the character was previously fending the creature off from entering the room. You don't necessarily escape from danger and immediately regret not spending more time asking it questions. Maybe if there was a bit of time passing there, it might feel a bit more warranted.

Latest revision as of 06:03, April 14, 2016

Mmpratt99 deviantart wrote: Thank you EmpyrealInvective for this critique and feedback. I took care of the basic formatting and wording, and still working on the tangents you mentioned that are hampering the plot. Would it be much better if I cut them out entirely including making no mention about the dad? Also with building on the scene where the family soon realizes that they have an uninvited guest , should I also build up more of the beginning of the story?

You really have enough build-up at the start of the story, anymore and you'll run the risk of losing the audience's focus. As for the tangents, I would suggest looking at the story again and deciding if it influences the story. (Does the previous tenant's tchotchke collection enhance the story? Does it come into play later or give the audience insight into the story?)

Additionally this scene: "Damn! she fumed inwardly. I could have asked it what it was ? What it really wanted? Why it decided to use our upstairs bathroom? I could have solved an inexplicable mystery." really doesn't seem to fit as the character was previously fending the creature off from entering the room. You don't necessarily escape from danger and immediately regret not spending more time asking it questions. Maybe if there was a bit of time passing there, it might feel a bit more warranted.

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