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''The initial set-up was very good too, with the neighborhood friend telling the story about vampires and the counting. The family finding all of the strange items hidden around the house kept that trend going. My only critique would be the quicken the overall pace a bit. It remains in the mundane phase of situational setting for most of the story, then suddenly crashes into the closing phase. I would suggest, as I stated above, including more closing phase material in the middle, just to assist in exiting the mundane a bit smoother.''
 
''The initial set-up was very good too, with the neighborhood friend telling the story about vampires and the counting. The family finding all of the strange items hidden around the house kept that trend going. My only critique would be the quicken the overall pace a bit. It remains in the mundane phase of situational setting for most of the story, then suddenly crashes into the closing phase. I would suggest, as I stated above, including more closing phase material in the middle, just to assist in exiting the mundane a bit smoother.''
 
 
   
 
''All in all though, I enjoyed this and think, once the grammatical issues that have been pointed out have been fixed, will fit nicely on this site. Excellent job!''''
 
''All in all though, I enjoyed this and think, once the grammatical issues that have been pointed out have been fixed, will fit nicely on this site. Excellent job!''''

Latest revision as of 20:52, April 27, 2016

Banningk1979 wrote:

Overall I liked the story. I sort of had a Goosebumps feel to it, in a good way. The pacing was long but not so slow that it made the story difficult to read. The buildup could be sped up a bit, or incorporated more throughout the middle. The scene where Ralphe is talking to something through the door that mimics his sister was pretty creepy though, and did set a good tone as to wanting to find out what happens next.

The initial set-up was very good too, with the neighborhood friend telling the story about vampires and the counting. The family finding all of the strange items hidden around the house kept that trend going. My only critique would be the quicken the overall pace a bit. It remains in the mundane phase of situational setting for most of the story, then suddenly crashes into the closing phase. I would suggest, as I stated above, including more closing phase material in the middle, just to assist in exiting the mundane a bit smoother.

All in all though, I enjoyed this and think, once the grammatical issues that have been pointed out have been fixed, will fit nicely on this site. Excellent job!''


Thank you Banningk1979.

The middle part you're referring to that still need transitional work, is that where the character Marlee comes in?

Also do you find the third alternate ending rather over-the-top and annoying compared to the first two?

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