“You must be the PI guy,” the ghost says, sitting across from me. We’re both in the interrogation room. “Nice to meet you. I’m Josh.” He holds out his hand for me to shake. I don’t take it. He puts it down.
“So you’re the guy,” I say. “You’re the guy sending out all those chain emails.”
The ghost holds up his hands. “You got me.”
I scowl at him.
“What the hell?!”
“What?”
“You killed so many people. What for? What did they ever do to you?”
“Did you ever read the email? I got killed by bullies. Now I’m going to get my revenge-”
“By murdering hundreds of innocent people,” I say, sitting back in my chair. “Got it.”
“Nobody is innocent,” the ghost replies. There’s a hardness in his cold, dead eyes. “Those bullies weren’t. Not even I am. As soon as I died, this is what I chose.”
“So you regret it, is what you’re saying.”
“I guess I do. But not really. It was actually really fun. Killing all those people who didn’t send my email to fifteen people, I mean.”
“What the hell. You’re a ghost, Josh. You can go anywhere. Do anything.”
“And I chose this.”
“Exactly.”
He shrugs. “Wouldn’t you do the same, in my position?”
“Hell no.”
“Come on. I was a human once. You certainly are. We’re all human. We’re petty. We’re arrogant. We want to do whatever we want and get away with it. Don’t pretend there’s nobody you want dead.”
“Yeah,” I say slowly, “But when someone makes me angry, I don’t kill them.”
The ghost leans forward. “Maybe you should try it. Killing someone, I mean. I did it with garrote wire around their necks. It felt so good when the wire went right through their throats. Have you ever felt someone else’s warm blood run over your hands?” he sighs. He grins. “It’s beautiful. There’s nothing else like it. Not even sex.”
“Really?”
“Well, I assume. I’ve never had sex.”
I laugh. “You’re a virgin.”
“Well, yeah,” the ghost replies. He looks embarrassed.
“You’ve killed people, but you’ve never had sex.” I lean forward
“Killing people is way easier,” the ghost admits. “Besides, it’s not like anyone would make love to me now.”
He had a point. Even though he was a ghost, he still bore the burn scars from when he’d died. He had no hair and his skin was black and red. His charred clothes clung to him with admirable tenacity.
“Does that hurt?”
“Does what hurt?”
“Your burns, I mean.”
“Oh,” the ghost replies. He rubs the back of his head. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know.”
“No, I don’t.”
“It’s either yes or no.”
“Well, it’s weird. Usually, I can’t feel anything. But when I kill people…” he sighs. “When I kill people, it hurts all over again. But it’s weird. It feels… good when that happens. I can’t explain it. Have you ever killed someone?”
I raise my eyebrows. “What?”
“Have you ever killed someone?” the ghost asks again. He leans forward and looks me in the eyes. His eyes are so scary. I force myself not to look away.
“Once, back in the war,” I say slowly.
The ghost nods. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”
I blink at him.
The ghost leans back in his chair. “Well, it’s been nice knowing you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I sent you my email fourteen minutes ago. You still haven’t sent it to fifteen other people.”
“But that means…”
“Yep,” the ghost replies through a yawn. He pulls out his bloody garrote wire and prepares to jump over the table. “Nice knowing you, geezer.”
I hold out a hand. “You might want to hold off on that.”
“Yeah?” the ghost replies. He stretches his wire taunt. “Why?”
“Because I was kind enough to make an email address for you.”
“You did?!” the ghost asks. “Wow. You’re so kind. Nobody ever sent me emails back when I was alive. I-”
“But here’s the kick,” I interrupt him. “I sent you your own message FIFTEEN minutes ago.”
He pauses. “Wait. But that means…”
“You have to kill yourself,” I reply with a grin.
The ghost blinks. “Well played.”
“I know. I’m proud of myself for thinking of it.”
Have you ever seen a ghost kill himself? It’s cathartic. He wraps the garrote wire around his throat and pulls. His blood runs down his neck. He collapses onto the table in front of him, dead.
The door to the interrogation room opens. “What happened?” the cop on the other side asks. “Did he…”
“Yep,” I reply proudly, standing up.
“Wow. It worked,” the cop says.
“Yep.” I walk over to her. We both walk down the police station hallway together.
“How’d he do it, anyway?” she asks.
“Do what?”
“Kill all those people. How did he know who sent his message forward and who didn’t?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he was all-knowing or something. Maybe he had some kind of power over technology. So he could tell who sent it forward and who didn’t.”
“Huh.”
“Just a theory.”
“How’d he get to the people to kill them?”
“At first he drove to their houses, but then he found out he could teleport. Or something. I’ve seen a few camera recordings of his kills.”
“Were they very gruesome?”
“Oh yeah. There’s this one girl he got from behind as she was typing on her computer. She just kept kicking and kicking and kicking.”
“Did he… enjoy it?”
“Oh yeah. He told me just now it was better than sex.”
“Wow.”
“At least, he thought it was. He was a virgin though.”
“Ha!”
“I know, right?”
The cop pauses.
“Think he’s really dead?” she asks.
“Oh yeah. I saw him kill himself.”
“Oh. I thought maybe you got him.”
“Nope. No point. Why would I when I could trick him into doing my dirty work.”
“There are more ghosts like him, you know. Sending out chain emails and killing people. You should try to stop them too.”
“Oh, I am,” I reply. “I just needed to see if they could bleed first.”
“Could I help you?”
“Sorry. I work alone.”
I walk out of the police station. “You can’t stop me from going after them myself!” the cop jokes.
“Go ahead,” I reply. I check the backseat of my car for killers, then get in and drive off.
So many ghosts, so little time.