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This thing on? I guess it is. I can see the little light on the recorder and it isn’t flashing just yet. This is a… well, OK.

It isn’t a last will of any sort. It’s a recording of the freaky stuff I just saw. Saw and ate. Oh God, that was bad.

Not the previous phrase but the food. Well, OK. Let me start at the beginning. As in a few hours ago and what the hell I did at that café.

If it was a café in the first place.

I got a call from an old school friend. She wanted to meet me for a bite to eat. She’s a damn hot chick and I hadn’t seen her in a good long time. 'Course, I kept in contact over the ‘net—with a body like hers I’d have been stupid not to.

Plus, I was hoping to get lucky with her. Oh man, I’m drooling. Uh… yeah, OK, so where was I? Oh yeah, I go to the meeting place and it’s something that looks like an abandoned building. All hollowed out.

I think to myself this isn’t the place. Look at the address: 13 Kent Street. It synced with the numbers on the building. Funny thing is, this is a building in the middle of a busy city.

Abandoned… but people were walking outside. Asking me what I was doing here and who was I meeting. Of course, I told them to fuck off—it’s my own business to be hanging around out here. Damn, if I only knew then… but damn, I wouldn’t have run.

She was stunning. Came towards me and I knew then that I would be having fun soon. Of course… well, I shouldn’t say. Took my hand with hers and said that it was great to see me in the flesh again. I asked what we were doing here… and why everyone avoided it.

She avoided the question by kissing me… and I can’t really remember what happened after that—except that we were in the building.

Man, inside it wasn’t abandoned, but it was a bustling business. God, did I just say that? Bustling. Christ, who says that word now?

I’ll have a look in the dictionary when I get home. Internet. I meant internet. God, what is wrong with my speech now?

Gah… oh well, it was a busy café. She directed me to a table and we sat down. Small talk… we were gazing into each other’s eyes.

God, that sounds so fucking clichéd, but for two people who hadn’t seen each other in a good long while… OK, going off track here and I don’t know what the hell is going on with me. Menu was pretty normal… all pasta.

Nothing but pasta. Yeah, drinks were normal and there were hamburgers, but different. Never seen a cheeseburger pasta before. She knew the place and she ordered for me.

Didn’t catch the name of the dish. While it came, we talked. She told me how she always had a huge crush on me and never said anything. I was stunned, but my tongue loosened and I confessed the same.

We got closer and God, I was about to kiss her again when the food came. I must’ve looked annoyed cause she laughed and reached under the table to… OK, losing thought here. Gotta focus.

Pasta was good. Slightly tasted of iron, but I brushed that off as a figment of my imagination. The meat was tender and slightly tasted of chicken. Then again, what meat out there doesn’t taste like chicken in some way?

Something nagged at me and I looked up to see everyone in the joint was staring at me. Julia—the chick I was with—was smiling sweetly at me… but, there was something in their eyes. I don’t know what it was.

Something… dead, I guess is the best word. Damn, that was freaky. And then I had another glance at the pasta.

God, I wish I hadn’t.

I can’t even describe what was in the bowl. Maggots, leeches, centipedes, spiders. All crawling around fettuccine and lashings of chunky tomato sauce. And then something made me look closer at the sauce.

Looked normal enough and tasted great. Strange chunks of meat though. What I thought was chicken or beef. So I had established three things.

One, the pasta was really a bug-laden Frankenstein monstrosity. Two, it tasted really great—needed a bit less salt though. And three, everyone was giving me dead eyes. Right.

Of course, I could have retched and run out of the place, but where was I going to go? I’ve got nothing out there—no job, no cash, and stuck in a cardboard box in Hyde Park. Not literally, though. No family either.

And, the insects gave the pasta body and texture. I stayed in my seat and ate the rest—while the patrons burst into spontaneous applause. Now that was creepy. Hmm? Oh, nothing much, I’m just dictating what happened.

Really? No, this recorder doesn’t have a multi-directional mic. Yeah, only my voice. So, we opening up shop?

Well, gosh. I know, dear, we have to keep more people coming to us. Yes, I know. We will… soon.

So John wants more funnelwebs in the sauce? I’ll see what I can do. Yes, I love you too, Jules. Yes, he’ll be perfect for our needs.

If he isn’t… well, yes. That’s perfect. Let me finish this up and I’ll go with you.

Five minutes? All right, I’ll catch up. Where was I? Ah yes, after the lunch… meal, I was questioned by Julia.

She wanted to know if I wanted to stay with her. I said yes and she showed me the inner workings of the café. Turns out everyone working here is dead. Great cooks though, hard workers as well.

Me and Julia, we are the channelers of the outside. We meet people online and take on the guise of people they haven’t seen for a very long time. We lure them in for one of two purposes. One—we always need new workers.

The undead only last so long before they’re put to pasture—literally.

The other purpose. Well, it’s in the sauce.

It’s all in the sauce…