Here is a system in which you can get your OC (Original Content) spinoffs, prequels, sequels, and stories on the blacklisted subjects added to this wiki. Here's how it works:
Post your story offsite, and add a link to it below, along with a brief description. We admins will review your story to determine if it's good enough to be added to the wiki. If it is determined that your story is good, we will add the story ourselves, and add credit to you in the footer section.
Here are some places you can upload your story for it to be judged: Pastebin, Spinpasta Wiki, Zelda Creepypasta Wiki, Minecraft CreepyPasta Wiki, or Poképasta Wiki. You can also upload your story to Deviantart.
Keep these things in mind:
- Your story must be original content (OC).
- Your story must not only meet the Quality Standards, but it has to be very good in order for it to be accepted.
- Try to use as few Creepy Clichés as possible.
- Stories (this includes stories written in the format of a diary or journal) must be complete. No "COMING SOON!" pages or half-finished pages.
- You can add multiple stories in your request, but you have to put a description for each one.
- If you don't want to give away any "twist" you added to the plot, just mention in the blurb that there's a twist that we should find out for ourselves.
- Don't use this page to troll.
- Don't get too upset if your request is denied!
Admins: If you reject a request, give an explanation why (bad spelling, bad grammar, too many clichés, too generic, Mary Sue protagonist/antagonist, poorly-written, etc.)
And please remember to sign your requests with four tildes (~~~) and add a header/title to your post. You add a header by adding this line at the top of your post: == STORY_TITLE_HERE ==.
If an admin doesn't answer your appeal in about a week, feel free to contact one yourself. Apologies for the inconvenience!
I wrote this one as an attempt to make a non-crap version of Eyeless Jack (Since that character was so inexplicably popular w/o having a very good story). But I think the character and the ideas in this story are original enough to stand on their own. What says you?
http://www.bogleech.com/creepy/creepy14-hollowhead.html Tbok1992 (talk) 05:44, February 12, 2015 (UTC)
- While I liked the level of description in the story: "I zone out and cough again. A wad of the purple-blue mucous lands on the tile floor as I hack and choke. I pass out.", there needs to be a bit more fleshing out of the characters (especially the physical description of 'Eyeless Jacqueline') and a bit more build-up on the overall tension of the story. Some issues I found: " She shovels it in to (into) my socket." "Jesus(,) my lungs hurt."
- I liked the ending: "She smiles toothlessly at me. It is the most sincere smile I have ever seen." but I feel like it would be vastly improved if there was a little more build-up with the creature's appearances and suspense. (Maybe some additional encounters or a little more shock from the protagonist at her appearance. "I walk in to look in the mirror. I see its face beside me in the mirror. Her eyeless face. I rub the sleep out of my eyes. She's gone." As it stands, the story needs a little bit of work and a bit more plot as it feels a bit rushed so I am going to turn down this appeal (for now.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:42, February 23, 2015 (UTC)
This is a creepypasta about writing creepypasta. It contains at least one forbidden hook and was automatically denied. This is not a spin-off, but LOLSKELETONS suggested that I take this route. It contains several references to other more famous stories as a means of establishing story canon and pays homage to some of the works that made this genre what it is today. The story itself blends satire and irony which all borders on the lines of dark humor. I feel that anyone who has ever written a creepypasta could give a nod to some of themes within it.
The story is called "Plagiarist" and the general synopsis is this: A young man moves to a new area and soon finds a job as a night shift employee at a department store. He eventually comes across a coworker named "Harvey" that shares a similar interest in creepypasta. Harvey then invites the protagonist to his home to discuss story ideas.
As the protagonist reads off some of his ideas, Harvey takes note that every single idea presented is an almost exact copy of an already existing story. He then makes snide remarks to the protagonist and ultimately accuses him of plagiarism. This all culminates to a twist ending that is brutal, satirical, ironic, and self-aware.
This story can be found on my personal blog:
Thank you for your time.
- Reading over your story, I do not see a lot of issues with grammar. (which is refreshing) Although I did notice some issue with spacing. Try to avoid having multiple speakers in the same paragraph: "“So it centers on these political prisoners that volunteer to take part in an experiment where they are not allowed to sleep for a certain period of time.” Harvey burst into laughter, “Really? Again?”", "“You know Harvey? I came to you asking for help, and all you’ve done is denounced it all with a higher heir (sic) of conscience. Tell me, have you ever written one?” He then gathered himself from his poor humor, “Yeah, I used to. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll tell you again. All the good ideas have already been done. That’s why I don’t write anymore.”"
- Grammar: "It(')s people..." Wording: "higher heir (air?) of conscience." seems like a problematic phrase. At first I thought it might be a colloquialism, but nothing turned up in my search. "My hands put a death grip around his throat again." (phrasing. "Wrapped" my be a more applicable word.)
- Story issues: “Bingo! That’s where all these are coming from. You’re subconsciously stealing them." is a bit of a leap to make the audience try to jump in assuming he is watching these videos late at night and absorbing them via osmosis. "Back to Harvey, lunchtime came at 2, and like usual, I waited out the hour at an empty table. Then I noticed a man who’d gotten done eating, he reached into his cooler and pulled out a stack of papers." You also mention this conversation happens in the middle of a store (I would assume at 2 A.M., but the distinction is never made. The fact that he could kill someone (brutally) in public, take the body, and bury it without attracting any attention is a bit unrealistic.
- Additionally the frequent title dropping of creepy pastas would be a little more effective if you narrowed it down to a few stories. (maybe a little less popular as well.) Ten is a bit excessive and desensitizes the reader after a bit. For example: "I kept telling him about the ideas I’d written in my notebook. With every new idea, came a new comparison, Slenderman, Ticci-Toby, Fear Not the Shadows, The Glutton, and Midnight Train to name a few." These are all pretty well-known stories and it's a bit of a stretch that assume that the protagonist has heard of none of them. While an interesting concept, the ending ("I know this has to be an original idea, it just has to be. How on Earth could I be a plagiarist of my own story?") needs some work to make it a bit more effective. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:16, March 3, 2015 (UTC)
My Geatest Fear (DENIED)
This is my story, and it is considered to be a spin off. Its about the main character explaining the events of why he is afraid of mirrors, and what he believes lives inside of them. http://pastebin.com/Zuwe69YBv —Preceding unsigned comment added by KiausTheMerciful (talk • contribs).
- Starting with the smaller things, your paragraphs are going to need spaces between them. Additionally, you need to break up the paragraphs more. A typical paragraph has five to ten sentences, yours has between fifteen and twenty. This makes your paragraphs look bulky and harder to read. I would also avoid starting sentences with conjunctions as they give the story a choppy/start-and-stop feel. Onto the bigger issues.
- Wording issues: "Thankfully they began to stop happening, until they completely stopped (redundancy) sometime when I was twelve.", "I was stating (staying) the night at my friend Robert's house,", "there is a very large vanity (dresser/table to differentiate between vanity's other meaning))," "The Thing in The Mirror dragged in Jacob, and mauled him just as he did Jacob, (???)" You also shift between past tense and present multiple times throughout the story. As the protagonist is recounting this story from his childhood, it should be in past tense. ""Kiaus??" He (he) exclaims."
- Grammar issues: their=possession, there=indicatory, they're=they are. "Their (There) was a women's face" it's=it is, its=possession: " it's (its) black eyes"
- Story issues: "...because I knew that she would probably make us move." Is the protagonist's mother superstitious? Why would she go through something as difficult as moving houses because her son said he was something? You need to explain that more. Unfortunately black eyes have become a bit overused and become a Cliche. You need to build up the description more than just black hair, black sunken eyes (3x), and pale. It seems a lot like "The Ring" but with blackened eyes.
- You also play the dream angle quite a bit, but for the ending to work ("It makes me panic. You should also be afraid of them."), you need to bring a greater urgency into the story. Having a recurring dream is good, but there really isn't much of a sense of impending doom without Bloody Mary/The Thing that lives Inside the Mirror actually menacing the protagonist in real life.
- As it stands, this creepy pasta has a number of wording, grammatical, spacing, and story issues that result in it being below our Quality Standards, so I am going to turn down this appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:00, April 29, 2015 (UTC)
My Name is Jeff (DENIED)
So, I found a pasta and posted it on spin, so now I want to see if I can get it on here. I credit the origanal author in the pasta. It explains what the original "Jeff the Killer" story had wrong. My Name is Jeff.
05:27, May 10, 2015 (UTC)CrazyWords
- Unfortunately trying to re-work a story/premise does not always mean it will be up to quality standards for this site as was the case for this story and your story as well.
- This story has numerous spacing, punctuation, wording, and story issues that really detract from the overall experience and instead of building upon the premise, it seems to dig itself deeper by referencing other CPs (for the sake of name-dropping) and really doesn't build an engaging storyline outside of the source material which really results in a less-than-satisfactory conclusion. The quality standards for spinoffs are much higher and unfortunately this story does not meet our standards which means that this appeal is being turned down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:03, May 10, 2015 (UTC)
The Monsters You've Created (DENIED)
Fairly recently on the SomeOrdinaryGamers Wiki, I posted a twist-ending story titled The Monsters You've Created. It got positive reviews and was edited after suggestions were given. I'll be blunt for the sake of time: it's a FNAF story but it isn't fan-fiction. The story is from the perspective of the murdered children who are calling out for their killer to die. The story goes deeper into this and I can only hope you give it a chance, along with a read to see if it's up to your standards. Thank you for your time.
- While the story is steps above almost all the typical FNAF-based stories users post (and we delete, thanks for using the appeal by the way.) there are a few issues that really make this one a tough sell. Awkward wording: "It’s all of us that are going to be what ends your miserable life.", "Our spirits will remain to haunt this world until justice is done upon you." However a majority of the issues I found with this story are in the plot itself.
- Story issues: A lot of the monologues seem out of place. (Especially since, yes I played the games, they come from the perspectives of children.) "You’re next to become cursed to bear this misfortune.", "You disregarded all of that and went against the grain. You preyed on the innocent, raised yourself to become ruthless, told yourself to kill and asked evil things of yourself.", "...hope that we will find killing just as enjoyable as you because death is the only form of justice you deserve, you deceitful bastard. You twisted, evil, deceitful bastard." It really seems out of place that children talk of such high-handed concepts like retribution and justice.
- Plot issues: While it does give some insight into the mind(s') of the murder children, the plot really doesn't progress very far beyond that premise. It re-hashes the children's anger towards the purple man and desire for justice, but it doesn't really build off of the story any. As I said before, it is steps above the other FNAF stories that I've read, but it really doesn't build off the concept any and the awkward wording, out-of-place monologue, and story issues really detract from the overall story. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down this appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:10, May 27, 2015 (UTC)
Let's Play SONIC (DENIED)
So I started a thread on wether I should remaster the story of "Sonic.exe" because let's face it, It's 4 years old and hasn't gotten any better. In fact, it wasn't even that good back then. I am here to change that. I have made a remastered Sonic.exe pasta called "Let's play SONIC." Where the main character is a let's player, the words "hyper realistic" are removed from the story, grammar issues are fixed, and the main character doesn't die at the end due to sonic plushie. In fact, he actually doesn't die. Here's the link to the pastebin: http://pastebin.com/78UTVLG8
- I'm sorry but this story is not up to quality standards due to wording, cliche, and story issues.
- Wording errors: "When (I) opened my mailbox up, there was (were) the usual newspapers and junk mail, but then there was also a 700 megabyte storage cd, with nothing written on the top of it.", "I said as the creen (sic) went black for a bit", ""The voice-over was so rediculous (ridiculous) and slow", "Okay, this is getting repetative (repetitive).", etc.
- Cliches: You try to avoid most cliches but end up walking right into a number of other ones. "A reversed theme played, which sounded threatening." (#9), "Then, for a split second, Sonic opened his eyes, and they were black with red pupils." (black and red eyes cliche.), "a (an) EAR-PIERCING bit-crushed scream played" (#11). Here is a list of Cliches commonly found in creepy pastas.
- Story issues: the protagonist constantly trying to take the piss out of the creepy factor of the game really draws the reader out of the story and points out that the same material you are using in the story is in fact overused. It also feels like you're just riffing on the old (notably bad story) with little to no effect. I'm sorry, but this seems like a re-hashing of the original where you pulled out issues that have garnered dislike over the years. The same thing has been done to Jeff the Killer as well with the same result. A spinoff really shouldn't just be a rehashing of the original. Please read this guide for more a more in-depth response. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:33, June 17, 2015 (UTC)
Well, see, I had to keep true to the game in question, seeing as how the tale is 4 years old, and the actual game still gets updates. Messing with the original plot would be like retelling the story of titanic with Mexican mice and a rapping dog. (This actually did happen btw) But I also had to change the protagonist to something that didn't feel like he had stockholm syndrome. The excuse for the main character to keep playing was the audience. I guess I took that a bit far. The wording, I guess should have been fixed before I posted it to pastebin. But maybe those typos could have been fixed on their way to the wiki. I'm not the best typer in the world, and when I type fast, I get a bit clumsy. Finally, when you try to avoid Cliches that were in the source material, and you don't want to mess up the original plot, you tend to run into new ones. It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to make a creepypasta with absolutely no cliches. Nothing's perfect, and from how strict you guys have been lately, you seem to think that there is such thing as absolutely perfect. The Russian sleep experiment is one of the best creepypastas out there, yet the way the final test subject describes that sleep can help your sanity makes it feel really rushed. I have total respect for you, I mean, The wiki would be really different without quality control. Just please tone it down a bit, and don't automatically decline a creepypasta for having a few cliches here and there. The protagonist, I can understand a fix. He was obviously too much like Someordinarygamers, not getting scared, and nitpicking at the game. But it's impossible to make a 100% original and cliche free story at this point. So I'll fix the protagonist, TRY to remove the cliches, and fix the wording.
- I'm afraid that, until all the issues above have been resolved, this appeal will remain denied. What you've said above doesn't resolve the issues. Once you've re-worked it, feel free to submit another appeal. « UnderScorre » 08:08, June 17, 2015 (UTC)
Alright, So I've fixed it, including removing the cliches. (Which wasn't as hard as I though I was going to be.) Here's the link: http://pastebin.com/6iDUcEs6 If it's not perfect again, just tell me why. Give me your most constructive criticism.
(I can't sign this at all for some reason, When I try to do the four tildes, it just says "Use the source editor" But the source editor doesn't put in the wikitext, only the actual tildes show up. Sorry for the inconvinience.)
- I'm trying my best not to discourage you here. It's clear you've put in work, but the issue is that you're taking a story that was already flawed from the beginning and trying to polish it up. It's got issues and re-hashing the fan-made video game really doesn't work out too much in its favor.
- Capitalization issues: "i've (I've) heard that laugh somewhere", "The adventures (Adventures) of Sonic the Hedgehog", "front of tails (Tails)", "looked at sonic (Sonic)", "i'm getting a bit scared", "Oh jesus", etc.
- Wording/spelling: "I exclamed (exclaimed), both enthusiastically (for the audience) and nervously.]." (square bracket not needed, as is with additional period.), "I exclamed aloud.", "I reached the tip (top) of the first staircase.", "our should (souls) once more."
- Punctuation: "large text showed up saying (")FOUnd yOu.(")" Video game/show titles should be in quotations/underlined to avoid confusion.
- Story issues: "demonic Sonic the hedgehog" Description is the name of the game here. What makes him look demonic? Dialogue should also be spaced out from when Sonic talks and the protagonist talks. ""So many souls to play with, so little time, wouldn't you agree?" The demonic Sonic read that aloud too. "What, are you the devil?"" I know it's hard to avoid cliches because the original did them, but it still detracts from the story and as the game/story is so steeped in them, it's damn near impossible to do it without them: "wind-ish theme was playing backwards.", "YOU'RE NEXT", etc.
- Nothing is perfect, but the issue is turning something bad into something good. It really doesn't work. See the "Jeff the Killer" remakes. It would be like trying to take "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and making it a good movie. Even if you try, there's still a link/connection to the original that is going to weigh it down. (As is the case here.) Even if those errors were fixed, the story would still be bad. (Through no fault of your own.) That's just the nature of the story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:55, June 18, 2015 (UTC)
I understand. I guess a remaster was just not meant to be. I'll try to make my own original story. (Though, that can be pretty hard.) The remaster is off. Gatlingpea12 (talk) 04:04, June 18, 2015 (UTC)
- You can still put it in your re-master thread (in a pastebin link) for those that might want to read it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:11, June 18, 2015 (UTC)
Okay, sounds good! I mean, I managed to make it into a decent creepypasta. Not a GREAT creepypasta, but a decent one. also, I managed to fix more of the stuff you pointed out, just so you know. Gatlingpea12 (talk) 19:20, June 18, 2015 (UTC)
The Holders series - a couple of Object stories (DENIED)
I understand that the Holders series is a bit overdone, but I have a couple of stories that I would love to see up on this site. Both are loaded on my DeviantArt page and would fall under the "Legion's Objects" catergory, as the original 538 Objects are all spoken for.
The Holder of Whispers
It's loosely based on the way certain people experience ASMR.
The Holder of Childhood
This one is honestly just me working through my issues of how creepy I find small children.
Thanks in advance for your consideration, I look forward to your feedback.
- Starting with some of the formatting, the third and sixth paragraph in "The Holder of Whispers" should be broken up some. A typical paragraph is five to ten sentences. Any more and it becomes blocky and harder to read. Other than that, there aren't too many issues other than sometimes forgetting to capitalize pronouns when referring to the objects.
- Your stories do capture the feel of Holders stories, with the introduction and style. Unfortunately we discontinued the Holders series on this wiki due to the fact that a lot of the entries were becoming very formulaic: "In any city, in any country, go to any...", "Ask for the holder of...", "This object is object (number) of...". The same goes for a lot of the other stories we discontinued. (Zelda and poke pastas) This has become especially noticeable since the series ballooned from 538 to 2000+ (Including Legion's objects), which is why we only have a few holder stories on this wiki.
- Unfortunately your series also sticks to the same pattern and really doesn't add anything new. This was the main reason why we stopped accepting those stories. They were becoming very cookie-cutter and re-hashing the same horror tropes. (Creepy children, decaying monsters, etc.) while the overall mystery of the series was relatively involving, the stories weren't. Your stories really add nothing new to the overall mythos and their inclusion here would only result in another incomplete series. I would suggest going over to the Holders Wikia as they would likely accept the story and you would find an audience there. I'm going to have to turn down this appeal on the grounds listed above. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:19, July 2, 2015 (UTC)
- Thanks for your comments, the quick response is appreciated. I had a feeling this would be the case, but you can't blame a girl for trying! =)
Network Down- The Dark Man Rising Appeal (DENIED)
Hi, you guys deleted my story Network Down- The Dark Man Rising after I stated that it is a sequel to Stephen King's The Dark Tower series. Now, when I say sequel, I mean in only the loosest of terms; the characters are all-new, and the only similarity is the final goal of the characters, which is to reach the Dark Tower (known is this world as the Tree of Gan). This is just an excerpt that I considered to be horror, and I don't see why it cannot be on here just because it is vaugely connected to the other stories. If you want to review the story, it can be found here: http://darktower19.wikia.com/wiki/Network_Down-_The_Dark_Man_Rising
Thank you, and have a nice day;
- Stories set in the universe (or in the case of the Dark Tower, universes) of a story are considered to be spinoffs. Since it references key items/locations like Gan, the Dark Tower, etc. it really does fall under this category. For example the Candle Cove sequels don't involve any of the original characters, but heavily reference the mythos of the story.
- Other than a few small punctuation and capitalization errors (Most of them present in the version you uploaded here although there are a few on the link as well), there isn't too much wrong here grammatically, which is refreshing. The big issue is the fact that this is unfinished/only a chapter.
- We don't allow stories that are incomplete/in progress due to the fact that authors typically never finish them in a timely manner (see 1999). After reading this story, I must admit I like where it is going, but currently there really isn't enough to classify each section as a standalone (like Penpal). Due to the fact that it's incomplete/only an excerpt, I'm sorry to say that until you finish up the rest of the series, it can't be posted here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:57, August 28, 2015 (UTC)
- When I do finish it, would it be able to be posted here?
- Jeremy LackeyRolanddeschain16 (talk) 11:57, August 31, 2015 (UTC)
- Well, that will be no issue! I'm already deep into Chapter 3, and not having any trouble yet; the whole thing has already been plotted out, and I can promise, nearly all of it contains horror (and theme, but I won't delve into that now!)
Bees and Beekeepers (DENIED)
Hello, I'm Jason Oz. A writer from Southern California. This is my first creepy pasta, "Bees and Beekeepers." I believe it got blacklisted because of the tags I had on there and it interfered with the, "No haunted gaming" rule. My story is haunted gaming, partially. It's very open to interpretation by the end, and the way that can be viewed can make it a haunted game. However, I believe I have avoided the cliches well enough to be allowed to post, of course I will respect any decisions the admins choose to make. Pastebin link to my story: http://pastebin.com/Vbg5gcpK
- Wording/run-on sentences: "It started how most things in my life do, tucked up in a chair, wasting my time in front of a computer screen, most of the time it's just to placate the boredom and melancholy of my normal life, although, it doesn't always help, as I look up at the desktop I've sat in front of for 10 or so minutes.", "Looking around, it seems that I was in some old house of some kind, there were cobwebs, dust, and rotted wood around me, and what looks to be boxes stacked in various locations, the ceiling seemed to point upward, how I imagined a roof would, and with that clue, I could tell I was probably in an attic or something, this was affirmed when I turned and saw a window in the wall looking outward, it looked to be the front yard of a house, I could see the patio below, and the yard, while untended and overgrown, was definitely present here, lastly I could see a van in the driveway.".
- Awkward phrasing: "Most of my skype so-called "friends" (so called Skype (friends") are offline", "interesting with actually relatively..." (actually or relatively works, but both together makes it oddly worded.). "maybe these horror games and creepy pasta (creepypastas) are getting to my head?" Also avoid mentioning creepy pastas in a creepy pasta, it really takes the reader out of the story. The story also shifts from past tense to present and back to last tense a number of times in the story. "So the game starts...it opens up on the menu, which is just a black background with a strange smoke effect with the title written on it, and under it 2 text lines. The first says, "日本語".". " excited, cause (because or 'cause. Cause implies a different word) the game was finally starting"
- Punctuation issues: use of ellipses can enhance a story but overuse (30+ times) can make a story seem unintentionally melodramatic.
- Story issues: "I’ve always been pretty awkward socially, and have had mental problems in the past making me very introverted." This is an opportunity to explain, what kind of problems and make the protagonist a bit more relatable to the audience. "Also, I've started to take journal entries on these obscure games, just because a lot of them are so bizarre, and I can translate the words later on" This seems odd as the protagonist calls them earlier in the story "games aren't even scary, mainly just "scary maze-game" style jump scares and whatnot." The story also could use some review as there are some Cliches here that detract from the story. The story and ending feels rushed (How does this factor in to bees or beekeepers?). I'm sorry, but currently this story needs quite a bit of work and really isn't enough to pass this appeal so I'm turning it down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:37, August 29, 2015 (UTC)
Thank you for the input, I will be editing and uploading an edited version at some point in the future. Also, the Bees and Beekeepers line was kind of a metaphor, that didn't really work it's way into the plot as well as I would like. I didn't want to use something so cliche as "It's all in my head" however. So I'll change the title as well.
I have updated the story, which is now titled, "She's all in your head." It has been HEAVILY edited, and would love to get one more shot at being accepted.
- Once again, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm still turning down this appeal. In your haste to make corrections, you made a number of errors. ("rediculous", "file.Like all...", "distended and jagged" (distended = bloated.) A number of errors I pointed out originally are still present. The run on sentences are still there.) Additionally the story still subscribes to the common tropes of video game stories. (Haunted game/file comes out and torments the protagonist.) In conjunction with the oddness of the protagonist starting a journal for the video game, this story still has a number of issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:09, August 29, 2015 (UTC)
(Project) Dead Universum (DENIED)
My idea, maybe someone will be interested to contribute......
- I'm sorry, but this feels more like a premise than an actual story. The scenes you mention are also fairly generic and need a lot of fleshing out. ("Now you can operate with arrows and you can get simply access to four funny easter eggs. If you go further or in wrong way, then you see all creepy pasta images") Additionally there are a massive amount of capitalization (improperly capitalized words) punctuation (commas missing from sentences, apostrophes missing from contractions, etc) and spelling errors. ("deep-tone the armaguiddon", "I quess...", "creepy textes like") I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to turn down this story for a lack of plot, rehashed tropes, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation errors. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:02, September 30, 2015 (UTC)
Jeff the Killer: In Hindsight (DENIED)
Hi, Empyreal. On Underscorre’s advice, I’m giving an appeal a shot and submitting my attempt to write an alternate take on “Jeff the Killer” that improved on the flaws of the original: http://pastebin.com/GDRnEBEB. At first I intended this to be a strict rewrite, but I’m submitting it more as a new take on the story because the final version deviates from the original in some places, and the people who’ve been kind enough to review it (MrDupin and AGrimAuxiliatrix1) have lead me to believe it holds up better this way.
- Let’s start with the basics first and move onto the larger issues present in the story. For future reference, indenting paragraphs in a story on wiki format causes formatting errors so it's best not to do that should you decide to post another story on the wiki.
- Punctuation issues: When quoting another line/name, punctuation should go outside of the quotations unless it is a complete sentence (and even then, it should have proper punctuation "name “Jeff Keaton.”(.)", "words: “white skin, and black-ringed eyes.”", "Liu "wasn't that kind of kid."", etc. You additionally have a tendency to use colons where a semicolon (for joining ideas/sentences) should be utilized. "name names:(;) apparently, three kids named(colon) Randy, Troy and Keith" Hyphens are missing from compound words like: "strong-arm", and punctuation is missing from sentences. "I looked at Liu(,/.) “I’m sorry,” I said."
- Wording issues: "the town elite, and the town elite", "violent impulses was violent treatment.", "I believe him, but I only believe ", "He wasn’t lying about Randy’s role in the confrontation, he was lying", etc. You should really avoid repeating terms after identifying them as they should be substituted with a pronoun to avoid redundancy. Once in a while can be effective but multiple repetitions can really detract from a story. The same holds true for names as you tend to repeat "Jeff" and "Lou" a lot of times after already identifying them. There are a number of fragmented sentences: "The rest?", "So that was that.", "A knife.", "He didn't object.", "Twenty minutes", etc. that give the story a very start-and-stop feel. As well as other issues like: "called me an incompetent (an incompetent what?) to my face." as an implies an subject. "Homophone issues: "killed to (too) had he not"
- Story issues: while I can see why this story made it into the top three due to its focus on outside perspectives, I can also tell why the story was passed over for first place. The medium of delivering the story (epistolary form) is very different from the original and comes off as clinical and procedural and really sucks the horror from the concept. This is an instance of deviating a bit too far from the source material in a way that, unfortunately, weakens the premise of the original (a story focusing heavily on the emotional trauma/bullying aspect).
- Additionally conjecture like this should really be backed up: "But why would Troy and Keith go along with the story that Liu had stabbed Randy when they’d seen otherwise with their own eyes?" The court states they found Randy's prints on the knife so it seems odd that they wouldn't find Jeff's too (especially when they're trying to identify who stabbed the boy). This tends to create a number of plot holes and issues. Like how could three boys sneak into a house and set fire to another boy without alerting anyone? I assume that's not a quiet activity and I'm assuming someone in pain would make quite a bit of sound. It also feels really off that a cop would let a known murderer run away (especially after partially skinning one of his victims "it had been mutilated, skinned in places and riddled with dozens of shallow cuts carved into the flesh."). Add to this the fact he is openly admitting it in a letter and that is a bit too much of a suspension in belief for the audience. I'm sorry, but I really can't get invested enough in this story to really deem it up to this site's quality standards with all its punctuation, wording, and story issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:22, December 19, 2015 (UTC)
- My response: http://pastebin.com/8TNHTcXF
Jeff the Killer Redux (DENIED)
Taking a page out of JZoidberg's book to try to get my contest rewrite on the wiki. Probably a slim chance but what the hey, I spent enough time writing the thing. I feel mine is different from the other finalists who all did a very good job of coming up with new stories. My intent was to try to actually fix the original, patching as many plot holes and other issues as possible while still keeping the vast majority of characters, scenes, and even dialogue. It's currently found over on spinpasta here: http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer_Redux Appreciate the consideration! Shadowswimmer77 (talk) 03:18, December 19, 2015 (UTC)
- I'm sorry, but looking over your stories, I'm kind of surprised that you wrote this one Shadow, having read another story of yours recently with very few issues I was really surprised to find a lot of these errors.
- Capitalization issues: "He smiled. "just (Just) go to sleep.”", "“you said She was gone forever.", "mommy, you lied.", "“shhh,” the thing purred, “go to sleep.”", "“Listen here, you little punk. give back my bro’s wallet and fuck off. or else.”", "“She said She wanted me to smile more. but i couldn’t keep smiling, it hurt after a while. now i can smile forever.”", etc. There are seriously a dozen other times where you forget to capitalize lines of dialogue. If it's being done for effect, I really can't see to what purpose you're doing it. If it's to showcase that Katy is in possession of him, it is pretty sporadic as she talks to him earlier without these issues. If it's to showcase his mental degradation, it comes off as necessary as he's not the one writing the story (and if he was, he's do it through-out.).
- Capitalization continued: You also forget to leave words uncapitalized after carrying over dialogue with interrupting actions. " “Well. Well, well, well,” he grinned, “Fresh (fresh) meat.”", " messy,” he grinned, “Part of me", etc.
- Punctuation issues: If you're going to set a mental voice in Jeff's head separate from his own thoughts, you should really put it in quotations to differentiate between Kathy and his own thoughts. "Well, I think you’re beautiful. Jeff smiled sadly. The voice in his head wasn’t there, not really. I know you do, Katy. But you’re gone." It causes some issue when compared to thoughts like this: "Tell her to fuck off, mom. Tell her to mind her own business and get the fuck out of here." as to who is speaking and the differing voice. Additionally compound words like "whip thin" should be hyphenated as they are directly linked. Commas missing from lines where a pause is implied. "Face in a wolfish snarl(,) Keith lashed out".
- Wording issues: awkwardly worded dialogue. "Hmm, except: On the one hand we’ve got the testimony of Randall McQuaid" In fact, a lot of the dialogue feels a bit stilted/out-of-place.
- Story issues: a lot of the issues that many people disliked about the original were brought over here. Why exactly would teens steal a gun and bring it to a birthday party over such a small incident and then threaten to set him on fire? Speaking of hard to explain escalations, Jeff's transition from a teenager to a cold-blooded killer (capable of taking on multiple kids his age at once) has little to no build-up. I'm sorry, but in this aspect, it followed the story way too closely. There's also the issue of Jeff being charred over all of his body except his face. While it is a deviation, it brings up a lot of plot issues. (Burn victims aren't necessarily the most spry individuals.) Dorkpool really highlighted a lot of the other story issues present in the story. I'm sorry, but this is not good enough to really bypass our No-Spinoff rule. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:05, December 19, 2015 (UTC)
creepypasta oc story (DENIED)
here is the link to my creepy pasta story in pastebin, i hope you like it http://pastebin.com/nBUfXqRt
- Denied for all the reasons listed on your talk page due to it not meeting quality standards. It has numerous capitalization (random capitalization, not properly capitalizing dialogue, not properly capitalizing proper nouns), punctuation (punctuation missing from sentences, commas missing from sentence implying a pause, etc), grammar (it's=it is, its=possession. Your=possession, you're=you are), wording (awkward wording, run-on sentences etc.), etc.. It also follows a bunch of the typical oc tropes (abused teenage, snaps, meets other CPCs, murders), and a number of plot issues that weigh the story down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:51, March 16, 2016 (UTC)
I Don't Like What I See (DENIED)
Hello there. My name is AzumangaDaiohFan a.k.a Hailey Sawyer and I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous. I've never uploaded anything on the Spin-Off Appeal section before but I have a story that I think you might enjoy. It's basically a Pokemon related Creepypasta. However, it's not your typical "Person finds Pokemon game. Game has some spooky content in it like the Lavender Town theme playing or having Pokemon die. Person gets freaked out and story ends."
Instead, this pasta came from a prompt in one of my Writer's Workshop classes at my local library. The prompt I chose to work with was something along the lines of "You've been in a terrible accident". I took the content I had written down, retooled it, and now I feel like it's up to the quality standards of this wiki.
If you're interested in reading and reviewing it, feel free to click the link: http://pastebin.com/raw/RqNeaQyT
If you have any problems with the link, let me know as soon as possible. I have this story saved on my tablet so if there are problems, I can always re upload the story onto pastebin and update the link in this message.
- Starting with the basics, you might want to fix this formatting:
"Then, I heard someone open a door that desperately needed to be
greased based on the ear piercing creaking sound it made as it was
being moved. I could hear footsteps clacking on the floor coming"
- Mechanical issues: ""Why is it?" I thought to myself, "why (Why) is it that I can hear my own heartbeat?" As you use conclusive punctuation earlier (?), the next bit of dialogue should be capitalized. It should only really be left uncapitalized if the first bit of dialogue ends with a comma. Dialogue like this: "Oh my god! Put it out! Put it out! Please help! My skin is peeling off!" could also use a bit of re-tooling as people don't typically announce what is happening to them as they're injured.
- Story: There needs to be a little more to this story. As it stands, there needs to be quite a bit more pathos/description to the protagonist's predicament. Think of Kafka's Metamorphosis, a lot of time is put into depicting how the protagonist's change impacts them and the people around them to make it genuinely creepy and heart-breaking. Here it feels a bit rushed and lacking the emotional component needed that could make the story more involving. The ending feels a bit anticlimactic ("At the sight of my appearance, I curled up into a ball and started sobbing loudly. The only question I had about the whole situation was(,) "What went wrong?"") as the question of how they got in that situation, why they are in that situation (you mention an accident in the prompt, but that isn't really delved into), and what is going to happen next are all questions that are really unanswered. In the end, it really could use a bit more of the protagonist's remembering events that led up to this or explanation for why exactly they're being studied.
- The concept is fairly fresh as only I Am Not a Clone really delves into this topic, but there's still quite a bit of fleshing out needed for this story to really drive the horror of the situation and the plot home. I'm sorry, but for now, I'm going to have to turn down this appeal as there are some issues that really could use work. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:42, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
A Price to Pay (DENIED)
The story is about Johnny and his family. It goes over the life of Johnnys older brother Benny after they move to a new home and Benny is forced to make new friends who tell him stories he has never heard about before.
The reason I wrote this story was to give my opinion on all the Jeff the Killer fanfics out there.This is my first creepypasta so please do give me feedback on how I can make it better. Any and all feedback and criticism welcomed and requested.
- I'm sorry but there are a lot of issues here. A majority of the issues lie in the story itself, but there are also punctuation, grammatical, and wording issues. In its current form it really isn't up to quality standards.
- Punctuation: You forget to use commas a lot. "You read things like this happening on the internet all the time, but for it to happen to you(,) it's just unreal.", "After everything was packed up(,) I was forced to help my family", "town(,) I do know there is an arcade so that is where I plan to hang around over the summer.", "we started talking about the internet and how wonderful it is(,) one of my friends asked me", etc. Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "Johnny is going to my Uncles house", "their eldest sons body removed", etc.
- Wording issues: It's=it is, its=possession. "its been eight years since the incident.". "I love all of them to (too) much to stop.", "he was killed the though (sic) the murderer was a character from his horror stories", etc. While you could argue that these issues are for realism, the problem with that is that it really doesn't enhance the story in any way. I would suggest proof-reading your work and deciding if these errors really improve the story-telling or tend to distract the audience.
- Story issues: The largest issue here're the entries themselves. They are really short and tend to not really be descriptive or build up the story. A lot of it feels like you're just telling the audience rather than giving them insight into this character. "I think I'll stab my pillow some more to calm down". Additionally, this feels like it's missing some key components here. How does the story's title factor in to the plot at all. This really gives the story a rushed/glossed over feel.
- Story issues cont.: "Shit(comma missing) someone just broke into the house I'm scared, if I didn't live on the second floor I would climb out the window but I have to hide I hear whoever just broke in coming up the stairs." Why exactly is he still writing in his journal at this time? It comes off as a pretty absurd thing that he'd write out his final moments rather than try to escape or get help. The ending also tends to cause more issues than it resolves. "I saw was someone who looked like Jeff but how could that be Jeff is fiction. I have to hide." Why exactly is he randomly targeted by a CPC and how exactly does his interest in that story play into it at all? It feels like you had two ideas for this story, one being where he becomes a killer, and the other detailing creepypastas coming into the real world. Combined they really weaken the overall story. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to deny this appeal as there are a lot of issues present in this story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 08:13, June 6, 2016 (UTC)
The Illusion Man (DENIED)
I do not have a link as the pasta got deleted pretty much instantly after it was posted :/
the story was basically a bunch of people kept seeing this guy in their dreams and no one knows who it is/why he appears. It got removed because the wiki thought it was a spinoff but it was its own original creation. —Preceding unsigned comment added by Ian2bp5 (talk • contribs).
- I'm sorry, but you directly reference the original story "Have You Seen This Man?" and use the original image. It seems incredibly coincidental that you would use a line for the original, use the same picture and even have a similar scene with a patient talking to a psychiatrist/therapist.
- Even if it isn't an attempt at a spinoff, it comes off as very generic. A majority of your story is spent populating what he is and not really telling an involving story or plot. " Some say he is the first human in the world, while others say he is a simple generalization of the human face. Others say he is God. While some people say the man gives them good luck and tells them advice, others say that he is an evildoer, a demon of some kind" There isn't much content here and what you do have really doesn't tell an involving or interesting story (much like your story "The Cameras" which just seemed to be conspiracy theories smashed together without a real driving plot or purpose.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:49, June 22, 2016 (UTC)
The Strange Case of the Dover Hypno (DENIED)
I hope I'm going about this process appropriately. I recently wrote, I'm almost embarassed to say, a Pokemon Go story.
I tried to avoid some of the normal cliches while incorporating few others appropriately. It's not a story that focuses on gore, hacks, or "hyper-realism" and the responses I've had have been positive so far. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and it makes the grade.
- There are quite a few issues here with punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues. While it's a bit better than most Pokemon Go stories we've recently had caught in the abuse filter, there are still quite a few issues present.
- Capitalization: "“Holy shit, it is!” The (the) other boy yelled as he stared at his phone", "“Yeah, we’re sorry but my brother wanted to try and find the Dover Hypno.” He (he) said", "“There’s a Pokedex entry about it luring off a kid.” He (he) responded", etc. The only time you capitalize a word after dialogue is if it's a proper noun or the start of a new sentence. "I called the Police (police) and they came swiftly." Police is only a proper noun if it's a specific police force (Santa Barbara Police Department).
- Punctuation: "“Hey there, you two.(,)” I said", "“Yeah, we’re sorry but my brother wanted to try and find the Dover Hypno.(,)” He said with a small,", "“All right.(,)” I replied with an amused smile.", "it couldn’t be caught is strange.” I commented.", etc. Only finish a line of dialogue with a period if it completely ends the sentence. (He said, “All right.") "KNOCK(,) KNOCK(,) KNOCK.", "Scratch scared.(,) She seemed terrified."
- Awkward wording: "I did still like collecting the little guys at least.", "I often am able to hear students talking and yelling as they leave.", "A brand new and uncommon Pokemon for my collection? (Not a question with this phrasing. Adding "Was this..." or "Could this be..." or another to set up the question would work in its favor.", "No longer did I wonder (about...?).", etc. I would suggest reading the story aloud to catch instances of clunky writing and awkward wording.
- Story issues: The opening feels very much like an info. dump. "I am an adult. I have a job working at a middle school teaching history. I have my own house, a car, and a stable adult life."All of these facts could really be worked into the story more organically. For example you could say, "While teaching history at a middle school, I had a lot of downtime between periods to play Pokemon Go." This info. dump at the start is compounded by the author's voice moving the story along which makes it feel forced: "Now, this story starts with a buzz." (As you're already three paragraphs in, the story is already in gear at this point.)
- Story issues cont.: " I knew that I should contact the police or an ambulance" Really bringing it up and not following through until after he beats the Hypno feels like a plot issue. He's just stumbled across a number of children that have gone missing. Why wouldn't he alert the police immediately as opposed to fighting the Pokemon? While there is evidence throughout that suggests the Pokemon is responsible for all this, it still feels odd the teacher would buy everything right off the bat and decide to battle rather than call the authorities. Why not call and while waiting fight? Since the Hypno is actively hypnotizing him, it seems odd that even when he realizes there's a clear and present danger, that he wouldn't call the authorities.
- Story issues end.: There are a few bumps where you sink into game tropes that are common in stories like the: I thought it was a game glitch, but then _____ happened and now I know it's more than that. "The Dover Hypno. Was it really something strange? Or some kind of game glitch. ... It wasn’t a game glitch." Unfortunately Pokemon Go stories have recently begun circulating with the game's popularity and most of them revolve around someone running into an evil Pokemon and unfortunately this feels very similar to those entries. While I'm appreciative that you avoided some of the more generic entries (bleeding eyes, Pokemon telling trainers, "Die!", etc.), it still feels like it's in the same vein as those stories.Unfortunately, I think that this story needs some tweaking before it's really up to the site's quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:35, July 26, 2016 (UTC)
Thank you for taking the time to read the story. At the very least, I know I can clean up the wording and grammer with a more thorough proofreading. I admit, that is something I need to work more on.
I'll explore some ideas in the storytelling. You're right that the beginning could flow better and a more solid reason for not calling the police would work. I suppose feelings and thoughts can only take you so far.
Aside from those updates, I don't see being able to shift the main plot of the story away from the "evil pokemon" trope without an entire change. I'd love to resubmit after some of these adjustments, but if the overall plot is an issue, I wouldn't want to waste your time.
Aside from that, I still hope you liked the story and appreciate your critique.
Madeline and Master Kane(DENIED)
Have you ever wondered why some things are lost, but yet no one makes the effort to find them?
Perhaps a little girl from Paris can try to explain...
(So, this is actually my first attempt at writing one of these things. I actually wrote it in one go yesterday and added some extra sentences to make it feel more complete.
I'm pretty sure I added in too many clichés to fit the standards the wiki prefers, i'm actually thinking it's going to be rejected. But you never know; you might find it better than sliced bread. Feel free to tell me what you think and I guess we'll see what happens)
(Russelrules44 (And that's the bottom line) (Cause Stone Cold said so!) (talk) 20:37, August 6, 2016 (UTC))
- Sorry, but after reading the first half-dozen paragraphs or so I'm already seeing several issues with punctuation/capitalization/grammar/etc.
- Keep in mind that a spinoff has to be nearly golden to make it onto the site. Please read over our How to Write Creepypasta page, writing advice pages, style guide, and consider using our writer's workshop for your future writings.
The Legend of Zelda: Majora Link (DENIED)
I do not see why my creepypasta was deleted, other than the fact that I used an internet series called 'Haunted Gaming.' Honestly, I believe that my creepypasta did not have any mary-sue characters, clichés or anything of the sort. If any admin has any idea of why my creepypasta was deleted, I would like to know their opinions. Here is a link to a pastebin of my creepypasta: http://pastebin.com/Y8p9xUQB The image described in the creepypasta is here:
Thank you for your time.
- Sorry, but there's simply not enough to your story to really even be considered. I'm not sure if you linked the wrong story or what, but all it was about was a weird occurrence while playing a Zelda game. Zelda is blacklisted. Even if it wasn't blacklisted, it still wouldn't meet the quality standards because there's nothing really going on other than a game doing something strange because it was hacked... the end. Stories need to be well above average to even be considered for spinoff appeal.
I tried to do something original with the all "Lost episode" genre by doing a interview point of view, hoping to reinvent it and possibly even get taken off the black listed subjects list. Though that thought is unlikely, all general criticism is accepted. If this idea of this pasta is taken AKA copyrighted by someone else then it is unintentional and i haven't heard it existed.
There's also a twist in the story that you will need to look for yourselves.
Link to story:
- I'm sorry, but I only had to read about ten sentences in before noticing several issues with grammar/spelling/punctuation/etc. There's also no explanation of why this interview is happening. Please read over our How to Write Creepypasta page, writing advice pages, and our style guide.
- Jay Ten (talk) 13:00, August 30, 2016 (UTC)
- Thanks for pointing these flaws out, for Grammar i was using Auto-Correct at the time of writing that story. Now i get why everyone hates Auto-Correct so much, an explanation for the interview taking place never popped into my mind, i thought adding a vibe of mystery would work. Unfortunately that just made a plot hole. Oh well, it was great fun while making it.
Blue's Clues: Sorrow (DENIED)
I wanted to create a good "lost episode" pasta about Blue's Clues, since some of the "Blue's Clues Lost Episode" stories I found were terrible.
I felt I avoided most of the "lost episode" cliches.
I submitted my story to Creepypasta.com, and I'm still waiting for approval. I would appreciate it very much if I could submit this story on the wiki so more people can read it.
Here's my story: http://geosheas-lost-episodes.wikia.com/wiki/Blue's_Clues:_Sorrow
- I know the admins have been a bit busy lately with the contests and the collaboration so I thought I'd chip in and help a bit. I used to be an admin who handled this appeal so I'm pretty well-versed in this field. That being said, the admins can weigh in if they feel my response is incorrect or unjustified or if they feel this appeal should be approved. There aren't too many mechanical issues here (besides the occasional grammatical issues: "they were quite appalled by it's (its) nature".), but there are quite a lot of plot problems here that weigh down the lost episode idea.
- Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues fall. This tends to follow a lot of the same formulas put forth by all Lost Episode stories. The protagonist who was a fan of a show randomly stumbles across an unknown episode of the show from a seemingly random source and then violence/spookiness ensue, they contact the creators and an explanation is given/implied. This story really hits a lot of the tropes that led to these stories being blacklisted in the first place because it made them seem cookie-cutter and formulaic.
- Story issues: "The title on the sticker was: Blue's Clues: Sorrow. I thought the title was a little strange, but I figured it was just a copy of the Steve Goes to College episode, the one where Steve goes off to college and Joe takes his place." First, how does the protagonist infer that the subtitle sorrow is for that episode and not something else entirely? It feels like an odd intuitive leap to make without backing up the statement.
- Story issues cont.: The random gore really feels out of place. "Steve ripped off Horace's head, and black ooze squirted out of the stuffed animal's neck. Steve threw Horace in a fit of rage. When the anteater landed, the ooze completely covered the floor." Steve just lost his dog so his first response is to tear apart another plush friend? Additionally how did Ted get the actors/footage to carry out these scenes (more on that below)? If it's a paranormal event as you implied in the comments, how is Viacom going to explain that?
- Story issues end: "The words, YOU CAN FIGURE OUT BLUE'S CLUES, BUT YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT INSANITY, flashed across the screen." really feel out of place here. How does that line really fit in with the story. Further lines like this: "A black screen with white letters popped up. It said: THERE IS NO CLUE-SOLVING HERE, ONLY DEATH." really border on comedic due to their out-of-place inclusion. It feels like a spooky line was shoe-horned into the episode to up the creepiness factor. Additionally the explanation from Viacom makes no sense. How exactly did Mr. Ted replicate the characters/voices to carry out his scenario. I doubt there's B footage of Steve randomly tearing apart plushes and screaming 'Blue!' to the heavens. If there are paranormal works at play here, you need to delve deeper into the idea as them just waving it off seems like a plot hole. Their response also begs the question, why if they told the protagonist to not release the contents of the tape is he releasing it? There really should be a reason given for their actions if only to provide character depth. I'm sorry, but this needs quite a bit of work and really isn't ready for the site so I'm giving it a tentative denial. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:23, September 9, 2016 (UTC)
Blue's Clues: Sorrow (DENIED)
EmpyrealInvective was kind enough to review my "lost episode" creepypasta for me. He told me I had some story issues, so I took some time to clean up my story and add some more detail and explanation to make it more appealing.
Here's my story: http://geosheas-lost-episodes.wikia.com/wiki/Blue%27s_Clues:_Sorrow
Let me know if there are still any improvements I need to make. Thank You.
- You correct some issues, but there are a majority that still need fixing. You explain the protagonist's reasoning for the episode titling and go a little more in depth with why the protagonist is releasing this information, but not really. They write: "We ask that you please do not release the contents of the tape or this letter to the public, as we do not want to upset the viewers who love and support our shows for young children." so you need more explanation as to why the protagonist would release this information, especially since he considers the footage demonic/disturbing. Why reveal this information at all? What is their endgame here with possibly exposing children to something he's trying to keep hidden himself?
- I'm sorry, but this needs more than just some minor tweaking and a few sentences here and there. This story still follows the formulaic Lost Episode tropes that resulted in the genre being discontinued from this site (see above). Steve tearing apart Horace still feels unjustified even with the Kübler-Ross focus ("Steve will experience 3 stages all at once: depression, anger, and mental illness." Additionally, mental illness isn't a stage in that role). The justification for the footage also feels like a stretch. "Who is Mr. Ted? How was he able to create this demonic episode? Is he even....well....human?" Referencing that supernatural forces may be at play here opens up a lot of issues. It feels off to assume that there's some malevolent entity out there, who's also a fan of "Blue's Clues", that is going to use their powers to create this lost episode and try to get it aired. If they have such power to manipulate footage and create scenes involving the original cast, why isn't it using its powers to air the footage. Introducing a supernatural element opens a lot of possibilities here which makes a lot of plot holes.
- I understand that you're trying, but the issue is that the appeals are here for exemplary spinoff/lost episode/pokepasta stories that feel new and are very well-told. Right now this story doesn't meet that criteria and since it really follows the linear plot points for these stories (The protagonist who was a fan of a show randomly stumbles across an unknown episode of the show from a seemingly random source and then violence/spookiness ensue, they contact the creators and an explanation is given/implied.) I really can't see the appeal being passed without a lot of re-tooling/re-writing/re-invisioning. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:51, September 13, 2016 (UTC)
Godzilla CD (DENIED)
I would like to make a creepypasta as a spin-off to Godzilla NES. Due to the character size limit of Deviantart submissions I had to split the story in quarters. I am hoping that this story will be recognized as an acceptable compliment to the story and I have been given permission by the original author to post it. I hope this is sufficient.
- I'm sorry, but your story has a lot of issues that are apparent rather early on. Issues with capitalization/punctuation/grammar/etc show up within the first couple paragraphs.
Jeff the Killer Redux: Resubmitted (DENIED)
I have decided to resubmit a significantly reworked version of my Jeff the Killer story that I entered in the rewrite contest held last fall. It can be currently found on the spinpasta wiki here: http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer_Redux
Based on the feedback provided by Empy during my last spinoff appeal, as well as comments made by several individuals who read and reviewed my work, I made the following changes:
Critique: Capitalization issues.
Solution: Fixed capitalization. I also altered all of Jeff’s dialogue as ‘the killer’ because what was intended as a stylistic choice (the only words capitalized were in reference to Katy) a number of people saw as a grammatical error.
Critique: Punctuation issues/Differentiation between Katy and Jeff’s thoughts
Solution: I rechecked my grammar to fix punctuation issues (although I’m sure there are still a few commas missing here or there). I also changed all dialogue Jeff had previously spoken in his head to him speaking aloud to better distinguish when Katy is talking.
Critique: Wording issues.
Solution: I relooked at the dialogue, altering much of it to be more natural and less ‘stilted’.
Critique: Story issues.
Solution: I reworked some fairly large plot points. I included several more mentions of Jeff’s anger and gradually more tempting propensity for violence so his ultimate shift to ‘the killer’ wouldn’t seem as sudden. I completely removed Jeff being burned at the end as unnecessary (noted by a couple people) and leading to some questions in story logic. I eliminated much of Jeff’s swearing, particularly towards his brother and parents, and gave a bit more backstory regarding Katy’s death to hopefully garner more sympathy from the reader and make him more likeable. I altered much of the bullies’ dialogue which I had initially (intentionally) pulled directly from the original story but seemed to have several readers hung up on. I further developed the scene where Liu allows himself to be arrested to make it seem less forced. I further established the reasons for Jeff’s mother insisting they attend Billy’s birthday party so it would be more plausible.
So that concludes the major changes. Now I’d like to make my case. I understand the reason that we have a general ‘No Spinoff’ rule as the site was clogged not all that long ago by what could best be described as shitpasta. This story is not shitpasta. Looking at the story in general:
It was voted into the top five entries by the judges, indicating it met the basic criteria to have won the contest had it garnered the popular vote.
Humboldt, the author currently interviewed on the front page of the wiki as an author the community could learn a thing or two from, commented on Spinpasta that it was ‘a badass story’ and ‘his favorite of the rewrites.’
Dorkpool, a long time member of the community perhaps best known for riffing crappypastas said it was “not only a great rewrite, but a good story in and of itself”
The difference between my version of Jeff and literally all of the others entered in the contest was I tried to preserve as absolutely much of the original as possible while fixing the errors. Our illustrious administrator Mr. Dupin said “Out of all the entries, this was the one which followed the plot most closely. For that you have my respect and admiration." As great as Banning’s Jeff 2015 is, the most common criticism I’ve seen is that it is too different from the original; I’d like to give the fans an alternative.
Now, an argument might be made that because Banning won the contest, he may feel slighted by another version of Jeff making the site. For this reason I reached out to him and got his approval to make this appeal before I did so, although he thinks I have a slim chance due to the wiki's stringent spinoff restrictions.
Here is my pedigree: I have been an active member of the community for over two years; I’m not just a random individual coming on here and trying to post a shoddily written story that I slapped together. My other work is highly regarded having won multiple contests, had various stories win Pasta of the Month and be Spotlighted on the front page, and been included in Cleric’s We Go Bump. My version of Jeff the Killer is collecting dust on spinpasta, and I’d like to bring it home, here, where it belongs. Looking at the archives, we have not had a spinoff pasta approved, with the exception of Banning winning the contest, since 2014. I am aiming to change that with this request. Thank you for your consideration.
Birth of the Hellraiser (DENIED)
I just hope this story is good enough to be on your site thanks for your time.
[http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Birth_of_the_Hellraiser —Preceding unsigned comment added by Theshapeshiftingtree (talk • contribs).
- I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here. Punctuation missing from before dialogue: "He laughed “No-one can hear you.”", "The girl shouted “You are a killer. A murderer!!!”", "The man said “I am Jeff the Killer and I will enjoy this.”", etc. You also forget to use apostrophes a number of times: "She crawled into her parents room.", "Jeff walked into the parents room with the knife.", etc. You also forget to use commas a number of times when a pause is implied in the sentence structure: "The man saw Jeff run down the stairs with a bloody knife and fired his gun(,) missing Jeff.", "“In part yes in part I would like to keep eye on you, you were quite capable", etc.
- Awkward wording: "He looked at Cassie, he said tearing (up) “Poor girl, she didn't deserve to die.”". "Jeff said “Your (you're), that little girl.”". The dialogue itself also has a lot of issues. "The girl shouted “You are a killer. A murderer!!!” / The man said “I am Jeff the Killer and I will enjoy this.”" Really this feels out of place as the girl is currently being stabbed multiple times in the back/spine so why mention that fact. Additionally the response feels forced in to announce it's Jeff the Killer. Couple it with this line: "Slenderman said “He is not alone here, you will not be able to kill him here.” / Cassie said “Fine, I’ll stay I have nowhere else to go.”" and it feels really out of place. If Cassie hates him so much, why does she randomly decide to stay there instead of attempting to murder him again? It feels really out of place in regards to Cassie's motivations.
- Story issues: I'm sorry, but this feels like a pretty cut-and-paste Jeff the Killer revenge story with all the issues that entails. How exactly does being stabbed multiple times in the spine give someone the strength to dismember someone with their bare hands? ("Cassie brutally tore his right leg off and ate it slowly as she followed him into the room.) It feels like I missed an entire section as Cassie goes from this: "Her eyes glowed white, she sat up, her wounds closed, her teeth were a sharp as razors, her skin change to an ice like colour and her fingers had turned to sharps claws." to killing Jeff without any real reason or explanation seemingly in the space of a single night. How does the audience follow that Cassie becomes this Hellraiser ("I’m Cassie, a Hellraiser and I am her (sic) to bring this man Hell.”), and why? Why haven't any of his other victims done this?
- With the inclusion of Slenderman and Jeff, this really feels more like OC fanfiction rather than an attempt at a horror story. Couple that with the real lack of description which make the scenes feel uninteresting ("He grabs his leg and arm, he then grabs Cassie and takes her with him.") and you have a story that needs a lot of work. Here's a guide on spinoff stories for a more in-depth look at the issues present. I'm turning down this appeal for the reasons mentioned above. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:05, January 17, 2017 (UTC)
Outpost 13 (DENIED)
Honestly I have no idea why this was consderd a spin off. The story was about a team of Navy seals that went to an outpost in antarctica after receaving morase code from there that said death. They find the base compleatly destroyed and all thats left of the crew are some bodies that died under misterious sercumstances and a journal that might explain it all and in the prosses a the characters find a horrable truth. We are not alone in the universe and how insecnificant we realy are in the end. It was taken down emedietly. I would asume this was because a character mentions that they were playing Silent Hill. There was no mention of hyper realism or anything of that nature. Well what am I going to do about it. Like the man says you just got to roll with the punches
- A spinoff is a story that uses another author's intellectual property. On top of being a spinoff of Campbell's "Who Goes There"/"John Carpenter's The Thing/remake, I am seeing a massive amount of mechanical and plot issues that result in the story failing to meet our basic quality standards. I'm going to point out some of the issues, but since there's coding errors, I cannot highlight all of the issues as the coding is making it difficult to copy/paste direct examples. Just know that the errors I'm listing are not all of them as I did spot grammatical and instances of awkward wording.
- Capitalization: You forget to capitalize dialogue, proper nouns, and miss-capitalize items. “what (What) were they thinking(,) whoever did this couldn't get out”, "It was a Journal (journal).", "I'm going to tell john (John) about this.", "This Document was found on a derelict ship were only one survivor was found", "I ran into the armory were hutson was. " etc.
- Formatting: Besides coding issues (please use source mode), you need to space dialogue so two speakers are never in the same paragraph. “No this man was ripped in half by something with giant claws”. “Is there anything that lives here that could so something like that ?”. “No”. This is done to prevent misattribution and improve story flow.
- Punctuation: Apostrophes missing from contractions/possessive words. "Hello Im a search and rescue naval officer in Antarctica.", "The suddenness of Gorge(')s voice made me jump out of my skin.", "The thing(apostrophe missing)s alive !", etc.
- Punctuation issues cont.: Punctuation left outside of dialogue or missing entirely. "“what were they thinking whoever did this couldn't get out”.", "“Looks like forced entry” I said.", "“Ok spread out”.", etc. You also don't properly use commas where they're needed. "We moved through the base(,) not finding anything.", "Interested(,) I opened it and started to read", " When we got back though Jim(,) who was interning at the outpost(,) his braces were missing.", etc.
- Wording: "The air smelt (smelled) like melting plastic.", “If this thing was alive than (then) could it replace a whole human”, "It's lose (loose)! The things alive !", "Than (Then) I remembered what John said about it imitating a humans cells.", "The destroyer I am stationed on received code from w outpost 13 that red (read) death.",, etc.
- Story issues: I'm sorry but I'm having difficulty finding a sentence that doesn't have some type of error of some sort in it. On top of that, this story blatantly copies The Thing, making it a spinoff and it doesn't do a very good job differentiating itself from the original. In fact, a lot of the story feels rushed and has plot holes prevalent throughout it. I'm sorry, but this doesn't meet the bare minimum standards we have for the site so this appeal is being turned down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:00, November 16, 2017 (UTC)
Sell Your Soul (DENIED)
Good evening, everyone! I have a novel series I've been working on for a few years now. It's currently hosted on fanfiction.net for convenience's sake while my other writing is found on my website. I recognize that the Wiki has a strict no fanfiction policy and I absolutely understand and respect your reasoning behind it. I appreciate all the quality control! I wanted to make an appeal for Sell Your Soul (complete). The story is certainly a "mash-up" of creepypastas, but I mostly just borrowed the characters for inspiration and to appeal to audiences with recognizable characters. If the story is original enough, I would love for it to be considered for the site as I am having trouble reaching audiences.
Summary for Sell Your Soul: A climbing mishap in the forest behind her home causes an accident that should have killed Melanie. Saved by a mysterious spirit, she is told that returning home will endanger her family. Left with no choice, Melanie reluctantly assimilates into a house of ghouls and killers that holds as many surprises as it does secrets.
Summary for Famous Last Words: A year after the events of her summer at the house in the woods, Melanie is caught between a normal life and her connections with her newfound family. Her relationship is further tested when one housemate is gravely injured by an unknown enemy. The weakened group must come together once again to fight an enemy unlike any they have ever faced: one who is determined to wipe them from the face of the Earth. When the line between the villain and one of the characters becomes blurred, they will be forced to make a decision that will alter the threads of fate for all of them.
The complete first book as well as the nearly complete second book can be found here. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11915644/1/Sell-Your-Soul-and-Famous-Last-Words-Sequel
- First and foremost, I am incredibly sorry for the long wait. I’ve stepped back up to adminship after a year long hiatus and I’m trying to clear up the filters hence the delay in response. While it’s not an excuse, I hope it does provide a bit of an explanation. With that out of the way, I’m going to review the story, point out any issues I’ve come across, and decide whether or not this story is a good fit for this site.
- Punctuation issues: There are a number of times you are missing a comma where it is needed. ““Good God(,) is that the Rake?””, “Huh? Oh(comma missing) the one we were- (Ch. 4)”, etc.
- Capitalization issues: Starting with the basics, a number of your dialogue tags are improperly capitalized. “…go sprinting around trying to make money off of me?” She (she) demanded. (Ch. 2)”, ““I heard that,” A (a) disgruntled childlike (Ch. 4)”, “…I just barely missed Jeff,” A new voice asked (Ch. 4)”, etc.
- Capitalization issues cont.: There are a few times when you miss-capitalize dialogue. “music? (Music) (Ch. 2)”, ““So,” she said, “What (what) is there for breakfast (Ch. 8)”, the title (“The puppeteer (Puppeteer)”) is also improperly capitalized.
- Wording: “She didn’t imagine people like Jeff often felt lonely per say (per se). (Ch. 6)”.
- Coding: Chapter 11 is a real slog with all the coding issues at the start of each line. I would really suggest editing out those issues as it makes reading a bit of a pain. You mentioned in earlier chapters that you patched it out so hopefully it won’t be too much work.
- Story issues: I am a bit confused about Melanie’s level of knowledge. Toby has to explain what creepypastas are, but a few paragraphs later, she identifies the Rake on sight alone and mentions that she read Ben’s story. While I understand you didn’t necessarily want to introduce creepypasta characters, it does feel a bit inconsistent that she would know who the Rake and Ben is, but none of the others. It might be less confusing to start with her being a blank slate and researching them as the story progresses.
- Story issues cont.: A lot of these chapters just feel like they don’t advance the plot and just serve to showcase a character. This is particularly noticeable in chapter four when the main notable things that happen in the story are: discussion of Left 4 Dead, pop tarts, and cooking. While it’s important to utilize these characters, it doesn’t feel very effective when a lot of the dialogue is focused on ice-breakers.
- Story issues: Characterization. I know the plot wouldn’t advance the way you wanted if Melanie fled at the first threat, but it doesn’t quite make sense that she’d go to live in this dangerous place (especially when characters are taking bets to see how long she’ll survive). It feels really out of place that she’d just randomly decide to go live in this place when it’s repeatedly stated how dangerous it is (In Ch. 5 in particular where the woman in white directly states that one of the people were killed on a whim). The entire thing with the spirits also could use a bit of fleshing out at the start as I only picked up on it keeping her in the mansion in latter chapters.
- Horror: The biggest issue here is that this really doesn’t feel like a horror story. This is more of a drama with minor horror elements (like Twilight). I came to this conclusion while reading about Melanie and Toby discussing their mutual love of swing music and later video games. It was really solidified in chapter nine with Ben’s pep talk about how Melanie should stay.
- Conclusion: I’m sorry, but I don’t think this novel is a good fit for the site. While there aren’t too many mechanical issues in comparison to the story’s length, this really is lacking in horror and seems more focused on drama. While that’s not a bad thing, it just doesn’t mesh with what this site is focused on (horror). Here is an example of a novel that used creepypastas and worked them into the story to keep it true to its horror roots. I’m glad you have found an audience elsewhere and I wish you the best of luck with your writing in the future. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:39, November 9, 2018 (UTC)
The Figure on the Corner (DENIED)
This is my very first Pasta I’m submitting to this site - an attempt at a haunted object pasta. I’m not sure if this qualifies as a doll pasta, I’m submitting it because better safe than sorry. The basic premise is that the protagonist sees a small figurine on a street corner, which is later discovered to possibly kill a young child. The title is a mindf*** on purpose. Hope you enjoy! https://pastebin.com/Hq5TvPEJ
Edit: coming back to this later, it frankly sucks and would probably have to be rewritten to even be considered. Please ignore this submission.
- First and foremost, I'm terribly sorry for the delay. I'm trying to catch up with deletion appeals and spinoffs that were posted during my absence about a year ago while still balancing the veterinary program and keep the site running smoothly so I'm sorry that we couldn't get to you sooner. I know you decided to withdraw your appeal, but I would like to help out a bit if you ever you decide to pick it up again. To help out, I decided to grab a few lines that I stumbled over/think could be revised to be more effective if you ever decide to re-work this story.
- "I ignored the urge, thinking that it might be an arts (art) project for school that someone would pick up later." I might use this as an opportunity to build the story. Explain the student projects that are posted around to add more believability to someone leaving a doll on the street for an installation and why they might do that (to dispel any sense of incredulousness anyone might have about someone leaving a doll out).
- "It (the 'snow') covered everything with a layer of neglect as I made my way through the traffic." I liked this line about the 'snow' falling, but I think it needs a bit more set-up to work in the story and add credence to the line. That is, build upon the reason why the protagonist would consider this neglect (elucidating on his character) or flesh out descriptions to paint a more vivid picture.
- "As I went to bed that night, a sense of foreboding washed over me. This was a bad idea. You should not do this." I'm not quite sure what you were going for here as a person can't really control what they're sensing. I'd try to change it to something more relatable that is still in keeping with the story. Very few people have gone to bed with a sense of impending doom, but a number of people know what it's like to fall asleep with a nagging thought/a memory of something foolish they did years ago.
- "That night was the worst night of my life. The dream I had was the single most terrifying thing I’ve seen in my life." I'd try to avoid re-using phrases/words in adjacent sentences as it tends to feel redundant.
- Conclusion: I hope that helped, and once again, I'm truly sorry that it's taken so long for me to respond. I hope, if you decide to try and revise the story, that you take it to the writer's workshop as they'll be able to help you smooth out any other wrinkles in the story. Best of luck. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:13, November 24, 2018 (UTC)
Madeline and Master Kane (Again) (DENIED)
This one came out of absolutely nowhere honestly, but I've decided to rewrite this creepypasta. Given that it's been a few years since the last time I submitted one here, my writing has improved in certain areas and maybe it's regressed in others. I'm not sure if it's going to be enough to get it on the wiki, but it's worth a shot.
I'm hoping for the best.
- First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the delay. We should have gotten to your story a lot sooner than we did. Unfortunately, reading over this story, I am seeing a lot of issues that could use revision. While I am glad you improved the story from the last time Jay reviewed it, I still think this needs some more work. I'll start with the mechanical issues
- Capitalization: You have a tendency to miss-capitalize words after commas and semicolons. "existence, He (he) planned a final story that was made seemingly to ‘kill off’ Madeline for good.", "It isn’t because I don’t want to or anything; But (but) should I do so here", etc.
- Punctuation: "Chloe began to cough up and eventually hurl out extremely hot, almost blood like (Usually you would hyphenate compound words) sludge", "A great inferno had begun that day, and Chloe was it’s (its) victim."
- Wording: There is quite a bit of improper and awkward wording here. "In a (an) old house in Paris all covered with vines", "When he was on his final months of existence, He (he) planned a final story that was made seemingly to ‘kill off’ Madeline for good." ('he was on his final months of existence' is pretty awkwardly worded.), "He never went with it given how popular she was and noted concerns from publishers from (for) the...shall we say, ‘darker’ storyline than usual.", "Now all this was serious enough, vomiting blood and a high temperature meant of a serious illness.", "She would splash the water onto her burning victim of sickness and relieved her of some disaster", etc.
- Story issues: While the mechanical issues can be corrected quickly enough, the story has a few things that would require a bit more time and revision. Starting with the smaller issues, I would avoid the asides unless they add insight to the plot as they otherwise come off as padding. Lines like: "What’s that? Oh, you’re right! I should probably give context." and "Now the name of Kane may mean something to you should you be a fan of this thing called wrestling, but what no one knew was that Ludwig was the one to come up with the character (though in a different context and perhaps not as fleshed out as the one on TV)" come off as asides and raise more questions than answers. How exactly does Kane (the wrestler AND current mayor of Knoxville) get inspiration from this series if this book was lost media up to this point?
- Story issues: I'm not sure why the protagonist is hesitant to give the 'full story' if the son who has the rights to the intellectual property okay-ed the protagonist to tell the story. "It isn’t because I don’t want to or anything; But should I do so here, I will be liable for a lawsuit for copyright violation, and as a connoisseur of lost media, I would like to keep my reputation intact."
- Story issues: There are times when it comes off like this isn't a lost story and was meant to be a lost episode with audio. "she jumped from off the balcony and landed neck first on the ground, a gruesome snap being heard in the process." Given that this is a storybook (at least that's what I inferred with the information given), I'm not sure how they were conveyed this information. Was the sound effect written out, if so, how was it done. Use this as a way to build up the realism of the story and create a sense of believability.
- Story issues cont.: While I'm alright with creative liberties being taken, it feels pretty out of character for the Madeline series to take such a jump in tone. The darker aspect can be worked into the story, but it feels like more explanation is needed to explain why a typically passively told story now feels like a shonen battle manga. "As the great fight raged on, the numbers began to dwindle at an alarming rate. One girl drowned in a pool of lava, another burned away at the sight of flames eating her skin, someone was eaten in an almost cannibalistic matter by the many bits of coal, and yet one more suffocated from the smoke fumes infecting her lungs…" and "So there we had Madeline and Master Kane left go fight each other, and for a good while Kane was taking her to task, throwing everything he had at her. And yet somehow, Madeline was able to dodge them." don't really fit with the other books in the series which results in an immersion break as it doesn't really explain why Madeline would go from benign things like getting her appendix removed at a hospital and going to the zoo to a dream battle sequence that feels more like Hunter x Hunter than a series that's typically grounded in reality.
- Conclusion: Finally the ending comes a bit out of left field. "Maybe Master Kane is still out there somewhere, and this story was more fact than fiction... Maybe...just maybe... Master Kane is closer than you think." Without any real build-up to Master Kane possibly existing in the real world, this feels shoe-horned into the story. I'm sorry, but looking over this, I think this story still needs quite a lot of work. I'm sorry that you had to wait so long for this disheartening bit of news, but I can't approve this appeal with the issues I found within the plot. Best of luck with your writing. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:14, November 25, 2018 (UTC)
Hero Series (DENIED)
I pretty much got bored one day and wrote a long set of interconnected Minecraft horror stories. I thought it may be interesting.
--Custom signature? pfft, as if I were that creative (talk) 12:31, July 16, 2018 (UTC)
- I'd like to open with an apology as this review has taken over four months which is far longer than the guidelines state above. Unfortunately, I wish I had some better news, but there were a number of issues present in the story and its plot that have resulted in me denying this appeal. I'm going to point out any mechanical issues I noticed as I was reading before I move onto the plot itself.
- Grammar/redundancies: Whose=possessive, who's= who is. "A beast who's (whose) midnight black fur was coated in blood and brittle bone fragments.” Redundancies: "Its scaly skin was broken down and decomposed, bones protruding through its skin (avoid restating nouns in the same sentence when you have an opportunity to use a synonym).”, “The hero sliced into the monster's arm and sliced it open. (I would suggest something else as there are a number of synonyms that could be used instead of the verb slice twice in rapid succession.)”
- Miscellaneous tense shifting/spelling errors: “After the voice mutters (muttered) those words the hero's sight returned to him once more.” Spelling issues: “The monk's talons went to cut the hero, but the hero's recently acquired ruby armor caused the nails t (to) shatter upon impact.”, “It opened its mouth the sallow (to swallow) him.”, etc.
- Punctuation: There are a number of times you didn't use punctuation in sentences or possessive words. ”For now(./…)”, “I'll do anything in my power to stop you(./!)“, “With that, the entities (entity’s) body, now free of the evil and darkness, shriveled up and peeled away, leaving only a carcass.”, "One of the (them) jumped off the ledge and fell.”, etc.
- Wording: “She too couldn't protect the one she had promised too (to).”, “Blood seeped from the wounds, and the hero took this time to jumping (sic) on the beast and using his arms to open its mouth.”, “The hero rose to his feet and peered out into the blackness. He (Words missing that would complete this sentence.)”, “It reminds me of my self (myself) a bit.”, etc.
- Capitalization: A lot of your dialogue tags are improperly capitalized. It should be noted that the only time you should capitalize a word after dialogue is if it's a new sentence or a proper noun. “"So, you're the hero of Minecraft," The (the) sinister voice asked.”, “"It's quite beautiful, isn't it," The (the) voice said.”, “"Yea, it is," The (the) hero responded.”, “"Yes, this is what I desire," Replied (replied) the hero.”, etc. There are quite a few of these in the story.
- Capitalization cont.: Additionally during dialogue, you sometimes improperly capitalize words. “”p-p-please (P-p-please) hero.. save us ple-e-ease., (also you shouldn't be using both a comma and a period here)””, “"Stop, Please (please)! Why are you hurting us?”, etc.
- Story issues: While I am not too familiar with the lore of Minecraft, at times this story feels a bit at odds with the plot. Take this line for example: "Once upon a time, a hero of Minecraft entered the world in survival.” I know there is a survival mode in the game itself, but if this story is set in the world of Minecraft, I'm not sure if they would be aware of that and if they are, what does that mean for the world at large? Is this the only world where mobs/hunger/perma-death/etc. impact the characters? If so, given the violence, why are the characters in this place?
- Story issues cont.: I think the biggest problem here lies in the story itself. Aside from a few elements (mainly the monster encounters) this really feels more like fantasy fiction rather than horror. This almost feels Beowulf-inspired in the way it sets up adversaries for the hero to overcome in a battle of good vs. evil. With each chapter that passed, I was left wondering when the story was going to become more creepypasta oriented, but it really didn't beyond the zombie villager scene (which in itself felt more like a trial for the hero rather than something geared towards horror) and that left me wondering if this would make a good addition to the site that is largely focused on scary stories.
- Story issues cont.: To build on the explanation above, I'd like to point out the monologue near the end: “But what you never knew, or never cared to know, was that was started out as a journey from that experience with my wife evolved. It evolved into something more. Through every journey and life I saved, I realized that helping people, in general, was worth it.” and how this feels more like something you'd read in a fantasy story as opposed to the horror genre given it's a scene where the hero is mustering is strength to deal a fatal blow.
- Conclusion: While a number of the stories I've reviewed above have been turned down for quality standards, I would like to mention that this story feels more like a hero's journey and a battle of good/evil rather than a horror story. I kept wondering when the plot would become more fear-driven beyond some of the bestiary, but it really didn't bridge that gap into what this site is looking for. In its current form, I don't really think this is a good fit for the wiki, but I think there is probably another site where this story would make an excellent addition that is more fantasy driven or accepting of Minecraft stories. Once more, I'm sorry for the delay and the unfortunate news. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:33, December 2, 2018 (UTC)
Comet Ping Pong Scandal (DENIED)
On my Talk Page here: https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_talk:Man_Who_Sees_the_Truth. For the record, this is not my first contribution to Wikia.com as a whole, just to the Creepypasta Wiki specifically.
Anyway, this isn't a spinoff. The references to various Gamerpastas are meant only partly as homages and also to make fun of Alex Jones and his fake scandals. He deserves to be memed and derided as much as possible, and I see nothing wrong with writing a Creepypasta at the same time.
- I’m turning down this appeal for the reasons Underscore listed on your talk page. This is more of an attempt to smear an already ridiculous man than to tell an actual horror story. As a result, this feels more like a troll pasta than any real attempt at horror. As such, I’m just going to cite some of the random scenes that come across like attempts to shoe-horn references into the story and close this appeal:
- “On the 4th of July 2004, the Men in Black neuralized the world population at the time, erasing the memory of the Comet Ping Pong scandal, with the exception of Alex Jones.”
- “One day after nearly 2 hours playing Polybius, Alex Jones hitchhiked into my car on the way home from the arcade.”
- “He told me that Slenderman and the ghost of Ben Who Drowned both work for the Clintons, that footage of the Comet Ping Pong Basement Rapes had been used in Sad Satan”
- “A friend of mine had a similar vision of Alex Jones hitchhiking and disappearing. Then again, he has Lavender Town Syndrome, so it may have been a hallucination from his disease.”
- Finally, you wrap it up with the generic binary code which translates to: “PIZZAGATE IS FAKE! ALEX JONES IS A LIAR!” and you have something that’s more driven towards attempting to take down someone whom life has already thoroughly kicked (in the head) multiple times. I’m turning down this appeal as it’s not a spinoff and it’s not a creepypasta. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 11:06, December 4, 2018 (UTC)
Silver Rain (ACCEPTED)
This isn't strictly a pasta in that I didn't write it with the intention of being a pasta, but that isn't really important here. The reason I'm counting it under spinoff appeal is that it is set in a world that I did not create, Innistrad, from the lore of Magic: the Gathering, which is owned by Wizards of the Coast (Which in turn is owned by Hasbro, sadly.) Anyway, this is one of several stories I'm working on, so I hope it's good enough to bypass the issues with spinoffs. I call this one Silver Rain.
Summary: A town under an angel's protection is suddenly struck by tragedy- a murder, which hasn't happened since the advent of Liyna's blessed rain.
- First and foremost, I’d like to extend apologies for the delay in getting to reviewing your story. As I’m currently on break, the next few reviews should come out fairly quickly and hopefully this lighter coursework next semester will afford me the time needed to review stories as they’re posted. If you’ve seen the reviews above, I like to cover any possible mechanical issues before moving on to the plot.
- Formatting: I’m sure you know about our wiki’s formatting given that you’ve posted stories here, but just as a reminder. Make sure to include a full space between paragraphs or dialogue, otherwise it’s going to end up as a wall-of-text.
- Capitalization: ““Tonight,” he began, “We (we) celebrate.” (If you have a comma before introducing the second section of dialogue, that section is considered part of the previous sentence and doesn’t require capitalization. “We’re miles away from any House (house, unless it’s a proper noun and I’m overlooking the reference)”.
- Punctuation: A quick guideline about continuing dialogue across multiple paragraphs. You don’t need to use a closing quotation if the dialogue continues on the next paragraph and there’s no intervening action. That being said, you should open paragraphs that are continuing dialogue with a quotation: “When Liyna came, she drove back the night. Her wards drove back the shadows, and every night, the holy rain falls. The undead, the demons, the wolves- none can pass beyond her veil of faith. Our faith.” I know it can be a bit confusing to explain, so he’s an example of a story that uses dialogue over multiple paragraphs (The Chaplain) as a guide.
- Punctuation cont.: I also noticed you have a tendency to use hyphens when you should be using em dashes. (“months- the sound of a dying man in pain.”, “werewolf- not that there were werewolves here anymore.”, “The angel was beautiful- all angels were- but more than that”, etc.) While similar, a hyphen is more for compound words while an em dash (“–“) is more fitting.
- Story: While I do enjoy the layout of the story, I might build on what happened to the previous town to build more of a sense of horror/impending doom or the fiendishness of the monsters as the story definitely has horror elements, but I think a bit more could be done to effectively drive the point home of what happens when Liyana’s protection is gone. This is more of a suggestion of course. I’ll be interested to see how this is received and if there’re any fans of the source material. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:04, December 16, 2018 (UTC)
Well, guess what? I like Innistrad. So sue me. I actually like how this one turned out a lot more than the last one; it seems more, I don't know, horror-y. (Horrific? Ah, whatever, I'll save the quality writing for the pasta.) Again, it's a spinoff because I don't own the Innistrad license. (It's not blatant fanfiction.)
Here's the pastebin thingy:
And the blurb:
A Thraben tinker invents a wondrous protector for a friend of his, a nervous new cathar named Sathe.
- Same verse, same as the first. I’m going to go over your story and point out any mechanical issues and possible plot points that could be strengthened. While revising the plot isn’t 100% necessary, it is just my opinion for how this could be made more accessible/effective for an audience that might not be aware of the full backstory of MtG.
- Capitalization: I’m not sure if you’re using tinker as a proper noun or not “Hello, Tinker.” vs. “The tinker opened a drawer and took out a key marked with what seemed to be fairly common holy script.”, ““I have to admit, Tinker,” the captain said in awe, “Your (your) creation here is simply… incredible”
- Punctuation: ““Yes,(‘) Sathe said.”(no quotation needed)”, “recruit- (–) I think he’s here today?”, “It was on him, biting and clawing at his armor- (–) he was bringing up his sword”
- Wording: “It was on him, biting and clawing at his armor- he was bringing up his sword, but too slowly, too heavily, and it was nearing his throat- and then it was flung aside, too quickly for his eyes to follow, and then it was nothing but a broken pile on the ground.” Typically em dashes/long dashes are used in place of commas, colons, and semicolons. As such, this makes for a fairly long run-on sentence that could use some breaking up.
- Story issues: “It had a face, after all. A face that... surely couldn't be alive, and yet it moved. A face that Sathe would not find it easy to forget. “Skaab,” Natha whispered. “Avacyn protect us.” But their only protector was the clockwork man.”” I might try to put a bit more explanation about why this is so unsettling. Given that the story is told in third person omniscient, you can add a little to it to give this some oomph for the people who aren’t familiar with the lore.
- Story: I might also work on the ending (“After a time, he slept.”) as it felt a little anti-climactic. I wasn’t sure if there was a section missing as it doesn’t really feel like a natural conclusion after what had happened up to the point. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:41, December 17, 2018 (UTC)
Well, installment 3 of ??? in this little pseudo-series. Don't worry, these are standalone stories not designed to be read together. Sorry to flood spinoff appeal- I know it's a time drain.
I uploaded this to the Writer's Workshop first, since a lot of people have suggested that it's a good idea. Sadly, I recieved no real helpful feedback- just one generic complaint and one anticipated concern about the spinoff status. The reason I didn't go to the WW on the first one is that I didn't know to do so; the second one I was just very confident about. I am confident that this story meets quality standars, as does "Clockwork;" "Silver Rain" I am less certain about. This one has taken longer primarily because I took the time to read through every writing advice page I could find here, multiple times, and on different days.
Summary: A solitary angler dredges up quite a find, but he soon begins to wonder whether he's the fisherman or the catch.
Edit: Dammit, I had one job. I didn't sign it. Let's hope I still can- if not, at least you know who I am from the last two. Sorry.
- I’m sorry if this is getting a bit redundant with me pointing out the hyphens and em dash issues, but it is one of those things that tend to require editing and are easier fixed before they’re posted.
- Punctuation: Hyphens are used in place of em dashes. “Little by little, the boat filled up- (–) not too much, but enough to be troublesome and unpleasant.”, “Something gave- (–) he wasn’t sure if it was the net or whatever had snagged it.”, “It wasn’t a stone- it was a carved figure, encrusted with barnacles and made of some sort of black glass or obsidian.”, etc.
- Wording: “it would turn out to be made of obsidian or something similarly worthless; even then, though, he should get a good price for it.” (I’d work on this sentence as I had to re-read it and it felt at direct odds with itself. The item was worthless, but he thought it might be worth something. I might specify that he thought it was worthless to him, but not to one of the vampires.), “It stood about a (as) tall as his knee, and despite his initial thought”, etc.
- Story issues: “Besides, this was an excuse to head home early. He didn’t want to be caught by the Nebelgast” I would use this as an opportunity to build on the world a little and give the audience some insight. What do the Nebelgast do to the people they capture? It doesn’t require a huge explanation, but something small would flesh out the world a little bit.
- All in all, I think this one is probably my favorite of the three you’ve submitted to the appeal. It clicked with me more than the other two and there weren’t a lot of noticeable mechanical issues that need revision. It had a more Lovecraftian vibe that played to a more inherent sense of horror for me. I will be very interested in seeing how this is received on the site. Once more, I’d like to apologize for the delay. Hopefully we can run the appeal more smoothly in the future so applicants aren’t left waiting for months on end for a response. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:50, December 17, 2018 (UTC)
Her Miniature Horses (ACCEPTED)
Someone suggested that I may need to submit this as a Spinoff Appeal because it deals with My Little Ponies. It is about the vintage toys, however, not the current TV show so I'm not sure if this still applies. My apologies if this is an inappropriate request for appeal.
The story is basically about an obsessive G1 My Little Pony collector who gets approached by an online seller offering her a rare pony. When it arrives it seems perfect... except for the smell.
- So having read this I don't believe it qualifies as a spin-off. That said, I've mentioned some issues in my review on the workshop that I think you should look over. The most vital thing you need to fix are basic grammatical errors like "it's/its". Overall, however, I liked your story and I thought it was well written. You have a flair for characterisation and you use ambiguity in the plot quite well. You use creative language and use lots of well thought out details to bring the story to life. My only real criticism deals with cluttered wording and odd sentence structure. I look forward to seeing more of your work ChristianWallis (talk) 17:14, March 6, 2019 (UTC)
Lost Episodes Can Be Found Again (ACCEPTED)
This took me seven months to write and edit, so I hope it was worth it.
Description: Narrator saw a lost episode as a child and it gave him a level of trauma. Years later, he/she learns about a "lost episodes" urban legend and is led down a rabbit hole in which he discovers a subversive organization behind it all.
- I'm going to do what I previously did and read the story, highlighting any issues that were overlooked or left unchanged. Any lines I pointed out that still have the same errors will be repeated as I feel like correcting the mechanical issues is still important.
- Sentence structure: There were a few fragmented sentences that made the flow feel a bit choppy. "I'm going to tell you a secret.(,) But (but) first, you have to promise me you won't laugh.".
- Spelling: "By now it was largely overgrown, and I cursed myself for not brining (bringing) a machete." Punctuation: ""Sorry about that," he said(comma missing) "but I did warn you."", ""He shrugged and said(comma/colon missing) "oh""
- Wording: Some of the sentences feel a bit overly long and have some repetition that's best avoided. "I could remember clearly was when an evil woman was drowning a family of cats in a stream, which I would have nightmares about for years afterward. I remember seeing it early in the movie, followed by many more disturbing and surreal scenes. Remember your promise", "The image was a frame from whatever twisted version of The Aristocats I had seen, and while I hadn't actually remembered this particular still until I found this message board, the instant I saw it I remembered (avoid re-using the same word multiple times in rapid succession, recall/recollect/etc. are possible synonyms) the clip and more memories started flooding back, still vague but vivid and definitely real.".
- Capitalization: "I Googled (googled, when used as a verb is typically left uncapitalized) "lost media group", but the closest thing I could find was a website for an online club", "He shrugged and said(,) "oh (Oh) well, that's pretty much what happened. Nothing much else to tell really."".
- Description: There are a few times where going into detail might help out a bit with building a sense of realism. Lines like: "it escalated into a full-scale riot in which spectators swarmed the field and attacked each other. About 20 minutes into the riot, the tape ended., "I had an acquaintance in the FBI who owed my family the favor of a lifetime.", "I took a break from the mission and focused on life obligations." could have a little more fleshing out. You don't have to get gruesome when describing the riot, but some explanation of the conflict (were they throwing bottles, how were they attacking each other?) might build on the realism. As for the third line, what are life obligations to the protagonist? Work (that might explain how they scrounged up one thousand in cash), social life, academia, etc.? It's something small, but it provides some slight insight into the character and story.
- Plot issues: "During the "Lion" short, I had managed to snap a quick digital photo of the TV screen while the man wasn't looking, and had put the camera back away before the whole bad acid trip thing." and "However, I did photograph each one of them just in case." Anytime there's mention of physical evidence, that almost always results in people wondering why it isn't being provided in the story itself. The protagonist's main goal is to get the story out there so it leaves me wondering why they wouldn't provide this physical evidence if they have it.
- The part with the FBI agent is a fairly nice addition that fleshes out the Lost Media group and builds some background in the story. The edits you did make improved the story so I do think this is now ready to go up on the site. I would still encourage you to do any last minute revisions as there are still some issues that can be fixed. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:18, April 21, 2019 (UTC)
Sly Cooper 2: Are You Ready to Play Again? (DENIED)
It took some time using Grammarly, it says that it is at 99% preformance although I don't trust what it says, I don't expect it to get accepted. I can't believe that these stories are getting accepted. I'm happy seeing these stories pop up again. The criticism helps, as I've been trying to get someone to review this story. ~~~~
Description: A gamer finds a copy of Sly Cooper 2 in his grandma's antique store, he gets it to replace his damaged copy, only to discover a terrifiying secret.
- I'm sorry, but there are quite a few issues here involving capitalization, punctuation, awkward wording, and plot problems. Unfortunately there are a lot of issues here which results in your story not meeting our overall quality standards.
- Capitalization: You tend to miss-capitalize family relations as if they were proper nouns. A general rule of thumb, if you replace the noun with an actual name and it doesn't fit, the word shouldn't be capitalized. "My Grandma (grandma) owns an antique/pawn store", "my Mom (mom) would go there to help her with the store because of her old age, I would go there, so I had something to do.", "My Grandma's (grandma's) store had the stuff typical in an antique store", "I asked my Grandma (grandma) where she got the game and replied that she didn't know", etc.
- Punctuation: You should use either a comma or the more commonly used colon if you're continuing or introducing dialogue. writing in a new paragraph: "It read.(,/:) "Are you ready to play again?"", "an animation from Sly 1, before screaming.(,/:) "I WILL GET YOU! COOPER!"", " Neyla spoke.(:/,) "Cooper, we meet again."", etc.
- Punctuation issues cont.: It also seems like there are a number of places where you use a period when you should be using a comma or re-writing the sentence: "Before slamming the tip of my index finger against the Eject button, the blue light flashed and as I did this.", "I took the Sly Cooper 2 disc out from its case and gently placed it on the PS2's tray. Before pressing it again to inject it. It pulled backward before finally closing.", "The intro showing Sly sneakily moving around inside the Museum of Natural History was gone, instead. A black background took its place", etc.
- Awkward wording: "It has to be an excellent impersonation of her voice, however, when the cutscene ended and gameplay resumed.", "The voices, they sounded like they were in pleasure or glee, as the thrashing noise got louder I could hear, to me like a deep male moaning", "And at this point, I had enough. I threw the controller on the ground, where I got up and walked over to the PS2", "Before slamming the tip of my index finger against the Eject button, the blue light flashed and as I did this.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself and noting lines that you have difficulty reading or trip over as they would probably benefit from a re-write.
- Plot issues: While I think you do a better job easing the audience into the horror of the game, a lot of the story sticks to the generic plot points that a majority of these stories follow: The protagonist is a fan of _____, they find a mysterious copy in a store, they play it and notice something's off, they keep playing and spookiness ensues. Unfortunately it was this strict adherence to tropes that led to these genres being restricted in the first place.
- Plot issues: These is slightly less of an issue in comparison to the first point, but it still caught my eye. You tend to leave out some detail that would flesh out the story. "Sly Cooper 2 being my favourite game out of that series, the two characters I liked were Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox and Constable Neyla, too bad she died." (Which of those characters died, how did they die, etc. Assume your audience is unfamiliar with the series in order to use this moment to inject a bit of backstory/character development into the story.), "I left the discs out instead of putting them back in their cases, causing them to get scratched or damaged. Most of the games I have are still in perfect working condition." These two lines feel at direct odds with each other.
- Conclusion: I'm sorry, but your story could use quite a bit of work. While the other stories had minor issues that could be fixed with a bit of revision, I'm afraid this one is going to need a complete overhaul. Currently it's not up to our quality standards so I'm turning down this appeal. Feel free to use the writer's workshop for your next story if you're looking for more in-depth feedback. Have a good one. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:05, November 2, 2019 (UTC)