Disclaimer: This happened several years ago and I was too ashamed to write about it, I later found out that a few of my friends in the church knew about the creature (it would be a sin to call it a person). I sometimes wonder now if they suffered a similar experience. I have since moved away from that place, no one knows me where I live now and enough time has passed that I feel comfortable sharing this.
I knew from the very start of getting into the missionary service that I would encounter some very strange people, I figured most of them wouldn’t let me in due to the shame of their home life. I imagined that maybe a strange hoarder would let me in one day, but luckily the Church of Latter-day Saints trained us on how to react to strange people and smells, so I was confident I would handle it with grace when the time inevitably came. I couldn’t help but lay awake at night wondering who the first one might be to shake my faith in god. I thought maybe a beautiful older vixen with dark red lips and a form fitting dress would invite me in and attempt to seduce me in her velvet lined, vanilla scented abode. I now wish with my entire god loving heart that would have happened instead of what did.
It was a hot Georgia morning, on the 9th of May when I started off going door to door as usual, I wasn’t wearing my suit jacket, but even wearing suit pants and a tie was uncomfortable when it was this hot outside. I hoped someone would let me in, usually I had to knock on at least 10 or 15 doors before some kind soul would allow me inside for a glass of ice tea. The neighborhood wasn’t upper class by any means, but luckily it wasn’t too bad as the church forbade us from entering certain areas with a certain crime rate, apparently some people are beyond saving in their most holy opinion. I was only about 6 doors in when I came to the house. There was a rusty older model Chevy truck in the driveway. The yard was not in great shape, a few worn out and sun bleached children's toys were scattered around in the yard and the grass hadn’t been cut in some time. In the eyes of the church that was not a great sign they love Jesus. However I was feeling daring and quite overheated, and some unseen force was pulling me in, which compelled me even more to knock, I thought perhaps it was the call of almighty God. And besides, all these houses were quite far apart. So I knocked.
An older woman swiftly answered the door, much older, the longer I looked at her face the older she appeared. She greeted me warmly, like any old grandmother would treat her grandchild. Yet it struck me odd how quickly she answered the door, given her state. She looked about 4 feet tall because she was so hunched over and bent at every joint, it looked as if the past 95 years were slowly pulling her down into the earth. If this elderly woman didn’t find god quickly, she might be condemned to hell for eternity. This was my moment, I thought. I would finally save someone’s soul for the first time, my mission wouldn’t be for naught. That was when the smell hit me, but it wasn't coming from the older woman though, she smelled of old rose perfume, it was coming from inside the house. That was when she invited me in. I could feel the air conditioning blowing out the door and onto my sweat covered forehead, and besides we weren’t allowed to decline an invitation, and I knew I was trained for this. So I entered.
She offered me a seat on the ragged looking brown and orange plaid couch, which must have been from the 80’s. Any potential smell of the couch was completely overshadowed by the smell inside the house though, I could smell it even stronger now. It was somewhere between the scent of rotting pork, burnt hair, sauerkraut and… a diaper. Maybe this elderly woman was incontinent, I knew I shouldn’t judge her for that, so I tried to ignore the smell. She hobbled over to the kitchen to fix me a glass of iced tea, I wanted to help but I figured if she got to the front door that quickly then she should be fine. The entire house from where I could see was wood paneled, knotty pine. I have a phobia of holes, and the pattern of knotty pine always made me queasy. It looks like a hundred sinister eyes peering at you and bubonic plague boils at the same time. The whole aura of this house had a sickly dark orange glow, the fluorescent lights didn’t help. And the smell made it even worse. Thankfully the granny returned with my iced tea, the dehydration combined with the atmosphere and smell had me nauseated. The tea tasted delicious, obviously homemade, I thought it was impressive given her old age. She told me her name was Mabel, but I could call her May. I thought that was sweet. I usually get to know people with a bit of small talk before I start talking about the scriptures, it opens them up a bit more and makes them comfortable. We casually talked for a few minutes about the weather and then she brought up the pie and dinner she baked for her daughter last night.
Then she said, “I want you to meet my daughter, Candy, she's upstairs."
My heart sank at the thought of a 95 year old woman taking care of her daughter, who must be able bodied and in her late 50’s at the most. I tried to not be judgmental but my face must have changed because May asked me what I thought about that.
“Yes, I’d like to meet your daughter, I bet she's lovely.”
“Oh yes she is, she's a little angel,” she replied.
A little angel? Strange choice of words.
“Let's go upstairs and meet her,” she said.
But why was she upstairs? Couldn’t she come down here? My thoughts were racing, I had so many questions but I couldn’t make any of them sound polite. I was trained for this though. I could do this with a straight face. No matter what horror show I might possibly see. Maybe she's 600 pounds and can’t make it out the door? Then if she is, she needs God in her life immediately. Full of determination to save this woman, I got up.
“Of course May, let's go up there so I can meet her.”
May lead the way, and as we got to the stairs the ungodly smell hit me like a lead brick, I became frozen in my tracks. Fear surged through my body, I became confused for a second as to where I was and what I was doing, the orange glow and peering eyes of the wooden walls made me shudder. The Lord will get me through this, I told myself, and then I suddenly gained control of my movement. May was quick on the floor but on these stairs she seemed to be taking her time to not fall.
I thought to reassure her, “Don’t worry I’m right behind you,” but she didn’t speed up or respond, she didn’t even seem to hear me.
The lighting was dim, there were a lot of framed photos along the hallway walls but they were too dark to make out, they appeared to be many family members. What sort of demonic energy was lurking at the top of the stairs, I could have never guessed, but there was an obviously human presence I could hear moving around in one of the rooms. So she couldn’t be too obese to move then. A lone cockroach ran from underneath one frame to another. This was the least horrifying and most normal thing I have experienced thus far. The little insignificant cockroach brought me back to reality. I was meant to save these women.
We got to the top of the stairs, my heart raced. May reached her decrepit old hand to the door, with a key? Why was the door locked? What was going on here? I was sweating more profusely than I had been out in the 95 degree weather. As soon as the lock clicked, a voice from behind the door squealed. Unintelligible utterances and then shrill gleeful screams. A wave of relief washed over me, her daughter was handicapped. It made so much sense. I knew I could deal with this, in full confidence I straightened my posture ready to meet her daughter, Candy. But as May opened the door, the blood drained completely from my face. I almost felt my soul leave my body at what I saw. Standing at what appeared to be 6 foot even, was a woman of profound weight, wearing the largest diaper I’ve ever seen. Her tangled red hair was pulled tightly into two pigtails, this emphasized the bald spots on her head. She was so large she eclipsed the white fluorescent light beaming from the room. This sight combined with the awful terrifying stench must have twisted my face into a grimace, because I noticed May was scowling at me with a hatred I’ve never experienced before. I quickly attempted to morph my expression into a pitiful smile just to keep myself from crying.
“I’ll just leave y'all to it then,” she said and then quickly shuffled down the stairs.
Completely taken aback, all of my knowledge of how to deal with these situations completely disappeared from memory. I was breathing through my mouth, but the air still tasted foul. The woman didn’t take her beady eyes off me, and she looked hungry. Everything in me wanted to just run and never look back, but that was when she pulled me in the room with a strength to rival a man’s.
She slammed the door behind her. I quickly sat down on a bean bag chair, hoping she wouldn’t hurt me. I was so flustered I hardly noticed the room. It was decorated like a nursery. There was a changing table like for a baby, but very very large. I thought for a second I was so dizzy my perception had been warped, but it wasn't. There was also a very large crib and a very large rocking horse. There were many other toys scattered around the room. She was standing over me, breathing, not saying a word, since she hadn’t said a word since the door opened, I wondered if she even spoke English. She sat down on the floor across from me, in the flickering fluorescent light of the room, I got a much better look at her face. Her forehead protruded like a caveman’s, and it was emphasized by the unhealthy fat deposits on it. Her face was pockmarked and covered in tiny red zits. Her eyes were very small, dark brown and were facing in different directions, but I knew the dominant eye was the one focused on me, unblinking. But the most terrifying feature was her nose, it was upturned like a pigs. It reminded me of the stories I heard from other guys at church, about how demons usually have animal features like goat feet or pig faces. That thought made me feel like I was in danger, so I began praying silently. Her staring and my praying seemed to go on for what seemed like 3 hours, although my reality was completely warped by the sights and smells so only god knows how long it actually was. In one swift movement she changed direction, grabbed some toys and started playing with them like I wasn’t even there. This disturbed me more than the staring, she babbled like an infant of about 2 or 3 years old. Pointlessly slamming the toys into each other with the force of a grown woman, it seemed like she was just an adult pretending to play, like a caricature of a child. I had no idea she could see out of both eyes, the lazy eye that was facing me must have noticed I was looking at her.
She turned her fat zit covered neck towards me and excitedly screamed, “DADDY!!! DADDEEEE!!! DADDY DADDY!!!! YAYYY YOU MY DADDY NOW OKAY???”
I was NEVER trained for this, I immediately jumped up and went for the door. But it was locked from the outside. That evil demonic old hag did it, she wanted me to suffer in the misery she created. The monstrosity behind me noticed my attempt to escape and went straight into wailing and crying just like an infant. The extremely loud shrill cries and screams bounced off the walls of the tiny room and into my head until it started to throb violently. Tears streamed down her hideous face and fell onto her stained adult sized onesie, which showed every little fold of her tumorous fat rolls and her large hanging stomach. The cries became even more dramatic with each passing second, and I became even more dizzy and nauseous than before.
“DADDY WHY AWE YOU WEAVING??? DADDY!!!”
I couldn’t even react to this. I just furiously turned the doorknob trying to escape this horror, I thought about slamming my body up against the door to open it, but then I remembered that the door swings inwards and I’d only make my situation worse. My energy levels dropped and spots started showing in my vision. My legs buckled and I collapsed in front of the door.
“DADDY AWE YOUS OKAYS???”
The last thing I saw was the thing's face, its pallid skin like rising bread dough, tiny eyes sunken deep into its skull, with a giant binky in its mouth. Then everything fading out and going dark.
When I came to, everything was dark, the lights were out but I was still in the room. I must have been drugged by that old woman because I was delirious, my head hurt worse than it ever had in my life, I felt like I had slept for 24 hours. The first few breaths I took were pleasant thanks to the air conditioning blowing on my face, until the smell hit me again. The most grim scent, it had changed now and had more of a body odor smell, and rotting cheese in the mix. The body odor. I was so delirious I didn’t even notice that thing was laying next to me. The room was cold but I could feel the malodorous heat radiating off of it. It sounded even more non human than when it was awake, gurgling snores and wheezing which I thought demons must sound like when they’re asleep. It seemed to be sleeping so hard I could easily make my escape now, if the door wasn't still locked. There had to be a way out. Maybe there was a toy I could use to pry the door open. I had barely even begun to move when I felt the bars. I was inside the thing’s crib. I didn’t even know how this thing worked, there was no way I could get out without waking it up. There was one tiny window with bars on it, so I decided to wait until sunrise so I could see how to get out of this.
I woke up around 10 am, as the drugs must not have worn off yet. I lost my chance, the thing was already up and playing with its toys in the dim morning light.
“Good mowning Daddy, you swept so wong!”
I couldn’t respond, the stark reality made me want to roll over in the fetal position and go back to sleep, but she wanted something from me and was already on her way over to me.
“P-please, I just want to go h-home,” I sheepishly said hoping she would feel some sort of sympathy and convince the old hag to let me go.
“We havent pwayed yet Daddy!”
I thought she meant prayer, so this was a good chance to get a word in, hoping it would exorcise the demon living in this woman.
“Yes, we can pray.” I clasped my hands and thought she would do the same, but instead she bounded towards the box of toys, shaking the entire house with each step.
“YAYY DADDYS GONNA PWAY WIF MEEE!!”
Her giant sagging diaper made a disgusting sound as she jumped up and down like a toddler. I gagged and puked in my mouth. I impulsively swallowed it, but I regretted immediately when I noticed I had puked in my sleep at some point. It was hard to notice when the room and that thing smelled worse than puke. I have to get out of here.
“Daddeeee, my dipey needs changeys pwease…”
Horrified, my brain short circuited at the thought.
“Change it!” an old voice shouted from the other side of the door.
“WHAT?” I screamed at the top of my lungs for the first time since I entered that cursed house.
“Change her damn diaper!!”
I wanted to strangle her. I got up and started beating on the door, screaming for her to let me out.
“Change the diaper, and I’ll let you out.”
Filled with rage, I wanted to just break the door down, but in my weakened state it was hard to even make a fist. I thought about killing them both, stabbing them to death with my tiny pocket knife. Then I remembered my mission. I was here because God told me to be, this was just a test. A shit test from God, with literal shit. If I could get through this without committing a mortal sin, then I would truly be a saint.
“Okay, I’ll change the diaper.”
Without saying anything, the thing, fully comprehending what I had just said jumped up on the changing table and layed down and put its legs up. The voice on the other side of the door told me to look in the cupboards under the table. In it were the largest diapers I’ve ever seen, powder, diaper cream and an absurd amount of wipes.
“Get to it!” the voice said.
“First, you slide the key under the door,” I tried to negotiate.
“HELL no, then you’ll just leave! Change the diaper first!”
I had no choice. I tried to disassociate. The sight was nightmarish and the smell even more so, I won’t get into the details.
“FANK YOU DADDY I WUV YOU!!”
All of my pride had vanished, I had succumbed to unimaginable psychological torture instead of just beating them both to death and hand delivering them to Hell.
“NOW LET ME OUT!” I screamed.
“Daddy pwease don’t weave!!”
I had to get out. Against all odds, I heard the lock click. I was free. I slammed the door wide open, only to see the old woman gone, she must have slipped into one of the other rooms at the top of the stairs so I wouldn’t murder her with complete justification, quite smart on her part because I would have loved to.
“DADDY NOOO!! DADDY STAY HEWE WIF MEEE!!” the thing screamed in that disturbing childlike voice.
I ran down the stairs so fast I thought I was going to fly. I barreled through the living room and out the front door, leaving it wide open in my wake. I ran all the way home and felt like my heart was going to explode. I took a 2 hour long shower, then went to bed and slept for about 18 hours. I never told the cops or anyone what happened because I was so afraid that people would find out what I had to do to escape, and I felt like a fool for falling for it in the first place. If anyone asked about that house I said they don’t let anyone in, or they just don’t answer the door. So now whenever people ask me about the craziest experience I’ve had as a missionary going door to door, I always just tell them the elaborate story of how a smoking hot cougar in a tight black dress tried to seduce me, but I gracefully resisted her cunning advances with the power of the divine and almighty God.
I don't care if it's a sin to lie.