Doug's Salvation

Salvation - deliverance from the power and effects of sin (Merriam Webster).

My roommate is a centipede the size of a four year-old child. His name is Bryan. He likes to lay eggs inside me when I fall asleep. Other times he’ll just gnaw on my limbs. Needless to say I am in Hell. I’m not a bad person. The real me is. All humans are. They sin all day and then beg for forgiveness and it is always given to them.

Have you ever heard of the concept of a whipping boy? In your reality, it’s gone the way of the Dodo. It used to be that lower class young boys would be selected to live alongside a prince. If the prince were to do something deemed worthy of punishment, the whipping boy would be beaten to spare the royal brat the pain.

In essence, I am a whipping boy to a man named Doug. I am also Doug. The “real” Doug lives his life on Earth and, when he slips up, I am punished here in Hell. One day, he will die and receive eternal ecstasy. I, on the other hand, will simply keep existing in the worst place in all creation without having to deal with his shit. Yay me.

Doug is a real bastard. He coaches a middle school girls' soccer team. I don’t want to get into the vile details but because of his actions, I am regularly forced to shove my reproductive organ into a blender and drink the resulting slurry. Not only is my counterpart a sick freak, but he’s stealing from his senile mother who he supposedly takes care of. He pockets her social security checks and buys alcohol and coke. Every weekend, my nostrils continually ooze sulfury blood while I puke thousands of gallons of sewage water all over myself and usually end up flooding the shack I reside in with Bryan. I suppose it’s all pretty fair in the long run. No crime goes unpunished and none of you lot has to come here. It’s great for you.

Please, if you’re reading this, just don’t be an asshole. Don’t kick that puppy. Don’t steal your coworker’s sandwich. Don’t touch kids. Show some fucking respect. Who am I kidding? The human race isn’t changing anytime soon. At least, if you keep it up like this, you’ll be extinct sooner rather than later.

Sorry, I’ve got to cut this short. Your Doug has decided to post a homophobic, racist rant online. Time to start breaking my fingers again.