3591 the vanisher[]
This story follows a man named Mike Williams he was originally a very nice and happy person he lived in a small country town in Texas where everyone knew his name, though there was one man in the town not many people liked. This man was named Ethan Winters a very brave and “out there” scientist who was very wealthy and had a laboratory on a hill that surprisingly was named laboratory X. the man had been working on something he would call “project 3591” that focused on genetic modification. The man spent years working on this project which as witnesses would say “made him go insane” he started sneaking into peoples houses, drugging them, then drawing their blood for his experiment it was all a lost cause because no one in the town had the cellular modifications to be eligible for the experiment. For this next part to make sense I would have to explain all of the things Mike Williams had gone through in his life. When mike was a young boy his mother did not really care for him, while she was pregnant with him she drank and smoked, and when he was at a young age his mother always left to go to the bar there was one day though he was able to go outside. Mike went into a forest nearby and played for hours but he became hungry he decided to eat a mushroom that was a deadly type of poisonous but it didn’t affect him in the slightest. Back to present time our scientist Ethan Williams thought to himself “that young towns boy seems very strong, I should try his blood” and in terms of his research, it was one of his best decisions yet. Ethan followed his usual procedure drug them, draw their blood, and test their blood then he proceeded to his laboratory, and when he tested the blood he couldn’t believe his eyes, the blood actually was compatible so he made a plan to kidnap him and make him his test subject. The next night he decided to put his plan in motion, he kidnaped Mike Williams, age 24, in 1995. The news of his kidnapping spread like wildfire everyone started to judge each other saying things like “shelly is into young boys and she hasn’t had any luck with men so she probably kidnaped him” the remarks were so hateful that eventually, the townspeople went into riot searching homes, beating people up and other terrible deeds. Back to Ethan, he wastes no time experimenting on Mike, he immediately started experimenting on Mike the experiments detailed cutting of the flesh, injecting strange liquids, gassing, and giving limb extensions. After three years the townsfolk gave up on MIke and decided to stop accusations while in the laboratory Mike was becoming stronger each time Ethan experiments on him. Three weeks later around midnight Mike finally broke out and killed Ethan, while Ethan was bleeding out he asked the monster “was this revenge?” and since those words were the last words he ever heard before going on a killing spree he is now only able to mumble “revenge”. At around 4:45 am the monster finally found its way out of the laboratory on the hill he looked down from that hill and stared at all the houses and he thought to himself “my friends… abandoned me” and he made it his mission to kill all of the townsfolk. A husband and wife were walking down the street and in an instant, the woman drops her purse and screams in fear as her husband asks her “what’s wrong honey?” for he hadn’t noticed he had been impaled the monster draws its arm from his chest and begins to shape-shift, the woman stares in fear as a 10-foot image of her husband with the hole still in his chest asking her “what’s wrong honey?” a cop sees this from afar and yells at the monster to freeze but it jumps into the forests nearby. The woman goes into questioning with the police the explained that it started off as a tall monster, then killed her husband, then turned into a monster like version of her husband still with the same injuries that’s all she knows and same as the news of the kidnapping the news of the monster spread around like another wildfire. People thought this was a joke at first but then another murder happened but this time it was much different than before this time it was a single mother and her child, the child experienced it this time the child experienced it he said him and his mom were watching tv and the lights turned off but when they turned on she vanished then he said that they turned off again and when they came back on the was sitting next to him again but this time she was very tall he said he could see part of her brain and one of her arms was missing then she vanished the lights did not turn off though she just poofed right in front of him. then he began to act violently then as he began the lights started flickering then he began to attack the cop interrogating him, withdrew the cop’s pistol from his holster held it to his head, and said “revenge” then shot himself.
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Palaeontologica (talk) 14:33, 13 December 2021 (UTC)[]
There's definitely some potential to this story, but I'd recommend a lot of cleanup. A single wall of text isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid. I'll have to review this in more detail later.
Te (talk) 14:23, 27 December 2021 (UTC)[]
First thing's first: As Paleaontologica said, the big wall of text is a big nono. It's incredibly off-putting to the reader, and can make the difference between someone giving your story a chance, and passing it up entirely. Try to seperate your story into paragraphs. Anytime the topic, dialogue, or scene changes, make a new paragraph.
There's a few run-on sentences here that need to be fixed. You don't always need to connect to seperate sentences with and. Sometimes, it's necessary to use a period and begin a new sentence. Try reading the story out loud, and if you run out of breath, it's probably due to the run on sentences.
I've spotted a few instances of capitalization errors too (mainly words that need capitalization, such as proper nouns and the first word of a sentence).
Sentence structure is lacking in a few regards, as if there's words simply missing. Saying "I going beach" doesn't really make sense, especially compared to "I am going to the beach."
In terms of the actual plot, you have the good soul of a story to go off, but it needs a lot of work. Some things are way too abrupt (the town's people descending into riots at Mike's kidnapping) or very poorly and hurriedly explained (Mike's past, with him eating the poisonous mushroom).
It kinda goes 0-100 really quickly, and with absolutely no explanation. Why is Mike evil now apparently? He's become some kind of Frankenstein monster like thing, but it doesn't account for why he can shapeshift and loves killing.
The end is incredibly abrupt, and pretty cheesy. Very little in this story inspires the reader's imagination, as it's more of a mishmash of ideas all crammed together.
Now that's not to say that you should scrap it. I think that if you clean this story up, put more effort into it, and really try your best to show us what you envision, it could be a great pasta. I encourage you to not give up, and do your story the justice it deserves.