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Forums: Index > Writers' Workshop > A Hoodie Sprayed With Perfume


A Hoodie Sprayed With Perfume

Emily had the sweatshirt tied around her waist as she stood at the bus stop. She never seemed to get cold- she always joked that it was the “California genes” she inherited from her dad. Honestly, it was seriously weird that she even felt the need to bring a coat in the first place.

She didn’t know Lucas very well. She’d seen him around school from time to time, and he seemed like a decent kid- the kind of guy that you wouldn’t hang out with by choice, but would be fine having as a partner for a school project. As she expected, he approached her casually.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Emily checked her watch. The bus was taking longer than usual to arrive. Convenient, she thought to herself.

Lucas shivered as his hair blew into his face. Even for someone as chill-resistant as Emily, she had to admit that the wind was pretty harsh today.

“Uh,” said Lucas, pushing his hair back, “are you using that sweatshirt?”

Emily shook her head. “Nah.”

“Would it be weird if I asked you if I could borrow it, then?”

She shrugged. “Go ahead, I’m not gonna need it.”

She took it off of her waist and handed it to him.

Lucas got it on pretty easily, which Emily found funny. She really hadn’t expected it to fit him.

They didn’t say anything else to each other for the rest of the wait, mainly since the bus pulled up soon after Emily gave Lucas the sweatshirt. They sat in separate spots on the bus, too. It wasn’t a big deal. Emily would get it from him later.

Eventually, after school, Emily decided it wasn’t worth waiting around to get her hoodie back. It’d take too long for it to make its way back to her, anyways.

Honestly, she felt kind of bad for Lucas. Emily doubted she’d see him again for a while.

The poor guy had never even checked the insides of the hoodie.





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Te (talk) 18:55, 12 November 2021 (UTC)

I'll start off by saying that the cliffhanger you left it on was more than enough for me to want to know more, but therein lies the fault. The story itself is incomplete. I understand if you're going for a super short story that leaves you wondering, but what about this makes it a Creepypasta? I assume whatever is in the sweater is intended to be dark, spooky, ominous, or relate to violence in some way, but it could just as easily be a soda cracker that she's slowly nibbled on to form the shape of Mickey Mouse. Or perhaps even her unfinished joint, therefore tying in why the title implies the sweater is sprayed with perfume. Neither of which strike me as particularly spooky. You could give us subtle hints as to why the contents of the sweater, the sweater itself, or Emily may be suspect or scary in some way, and still end it on a note that leaves us wondering the contents. We just need to know more, in order to know how we're supposed to feel, and why.

It's not super clear if this is intended to be a single installment of what will eventually be a series of stories, or if it's intended to be a stand alone headscratcher. I would recommend you add more either way.

Regardless of the direction you choose to take your story in, it is simply lacking in material and substance currently. What you have so far is good, but it feels like it's only an introduction. Add some meat in the middle, or expand on the end.

I look forward to seeing your final product.

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