A New Room
You wake up in a tiny room, your arms are crushed by the lack of width, with nowhere to go, you call out for someone to hear you.
Nothing, not a single soul approaches.
When in a sudden surprise, you hear a low moaning from both sides of your room, it sounds almost like words, you knock on the walls. Maybe they can hear you?
No. They don't respond, their moans continue, you approach the walls, are they trying to say something?
To your surprise, their cries get quieter the closer you get, but they aren't moving anywhere, what is happening?
As the question crosses your mind, you hear a 3rd party, this time from above, but they aren't crying out, they're talking amongst each other, you call out to them, they pause for a second.
"Did you hear that?"
"I swear I heard something below us just now."
"C'mon man, just because we're..."
The rest of what he says is muffled, but it didn't sound good, the tone sounded almost frightened.
"Alright, I hear ya, let's go, this place is cursed."
"Well yeah, it IS..."
Again, muffled, it's like your mind wants to deny he said anything at all, where is this place?
Just then, the ceiling cracks. It's gonna cave in any second.
In an act of desperation, you scream out to whoever was just there.
Nothing, they're long gone.
The ceiling cracks open, dirt starts piling into the room at unimaginable speeds.
Just before the room fills, you see what looks like a bright hole shining down, you try your best to escape through it.
No luck, as the dirt swallows you whole, more dirt is piled onto the hole.
Your screams mimic those you heard before, whatever they were, you knew you were not the first, and you wouldn't be the last.
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8} William See 22:10, 20 December 2020 (UTC)
Honestly not sure what to think about this one. While stylistically it is engaging, there are some issues with comma splicing that make the sentences long-winded. A sentence should ideally have between 1 and 3 commas at most, and the two sentences should be combined with proper wording.
"No. They don't respond, their moans continue, you approach the walls, are they trying to say something?"
"No. They don't respond. Their moans continue as you approach the walls: are they trying to say something?"
As per the story it's not entirely clear what's happening or what the significance of the events are; I interpreted this as being a 'buried alive' premise but the details get a little fuzzy at points, like when you describe the area as a "room" as opposed to just "a tight space". I think orientation plays more of an important factor in these sorts of stories as well.
Response: William See
Yeah, I fully understand about long-winded sentences, it's a really bad habit of mine, I've tried to limit it, but as demonstrated, I don't get it right too often.
The idea I had was for it to read as a "buried alive" idea, but to not be specifically just that, which may explain some strange wording, namely, referring to the space as a room.
Though, I have definitely taken notes and am currently revising the story, namely sentence structuring, a few pacing issues that kind of bugged me, and especially the ending, which on subsequent readings, I'm a fair bit unhappy with.
Cheers, and have a swell day/afternoon/evening/whatever time it may be!
- Okay, that's fine, I thought I was misinterpreting it for a minute but it makes sense now. I think orientation ends up being an important detail in Buried Alive genres, since y'know, you're basically making the audience feel the whole scope of that claustrophobia. I definitely think the moaning on the other sides of the coffin make for an interesting narrative: it doesn't have to be an entire world's worth of details, but I am curious what you could imply with a little more descriptiveness. Good luck, 8} William See 23:27, 20 December 2020 (UTC)