Am I...[]
I woke up screaming. Again.
The same nightmare. The same voice.
It was her voice. The voice that I used to love. The voice that I used to hear every day. The voice that used to comfort me, cheered me.
Now it was the voice that haunted me. The voice that tormented me. The voice that made me miserable.
I looked at the clock – it was 3.15 a.m. I had been sleeping for less than two hours. I had been having this nightmare for the past three days.
I got up and went to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror; I hardly recognised the man staring back at me.
He was pale, thin, and tired. He had bags under his eyes, wrinkles on his forehead, and stubble on his chin. He looked like he had aged ten years in the past 2 months.
He looked like he had given up on his life.
He was me.
I sighed and turned away from the mirror. I didn’t want to see myself. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to see anything.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room. I lived in a small apartment, on the fifth floor of a rundown building. It was cheap, dirty, and noisy. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.
The only thing that mattered to me was gone. Gone forever.
I looked around the living room. It was filled with photos and memories of my family. My wife and my child. The two people who made my life worth living; The two people who I loved more than anything in the world.
They were smiling in every photo. They looked happy, healthy, and beautiful. I felt like I have achieved everything.
But they were gone. Gone forever.
I tried to supress these feelings. I tried to numb myself. I tried to forget.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget. I couldn’t forget what happened. I couldn’t forget how I lost them.
I decided to make some coffee. I needed something to keep me awake. I needed something to keep me sane.
The pictures stared at me in a malevolent way. I didn’t feel good at all.
PIC 1
They look so happy. We look so happy. This picture was taken at the Hagia Sophia. My little one was so ecstatic.
PIC 2
Those eyes… They are so beautiful. Those were the very eyes that made me fell in love with her. Those soft lips, those almond shaped eyes, Ah! How can anyone resist falling in love with her.
PIC 3
This picture was taken at the beach. That figure was a sight to behold.
I wanted to keep her all to myself. No wonder I madly fell in love with her. Those purple hair was so soft and fragrant-fill.
I sit down on the settee and lay back with my legs stretched down on the floor. The night felt really warm. I stared at the two drums, which I kept in the living room. She needed them for her assignments, but they were never used.
I could feel my eyes getting heavy but still I wasn’t able to sleep. I get up and take out my pistol and keep it near me lest something happens.
“Damn, whatever the hell is happening!” I muttered slowly.
I didn’t have any energy left inside me.
I kept on staring at the photographs. I wanted to get some sleep, but couldn’t.
Suddenly a grin from my wife from one of the photographs caught my eye. I never really liked that grin and it used to annoy me a lot for unknown reasons.
I suddenly remembered about the sleeping pills my wife used to keep in the medicine box. I get up, still very exhausted, and go to retrieve some pills.
I take two on my palm and gulp them down with water. I felt drowsy, but also her image started to appear before me. I couldn’t resist myself.
My mind felt like it was going to explode. Why am I starting to see her everywhere? Why has this returned to me as a nightmare? “Oh god!” I mutter and I spin around the room like some damn Beyblade. My head started spinning but her image was still there. Completely intact. Those eyes, those soft lips…
Oh no! Oh no! I should have never done it. Fuck! Why did I do that! She was a piece of me… WHY!? WHY DID I DO THAT!???
I look at the pistol…
Police Report
Date: January 21st, 2014
Time: 4.56 a.m.
Location: Apartment [Redacted], [Redacted] Street, [Redacted], [Redacted], Norway
Investigator: Detective [Redacted]
Case: Suicide and Double Homicide
Summary:
Detective [Redacted] responded to a call from the landlord reporting a gunshot heard from one of the apartment units. Upon arrival, the apartment was found locked. Forced entry was made, leading to the discovery of a male, aged [Redacted], deceased on the couch in the living room. The male, identified as the tenant, held a pistol with a fatal gunshot wound to the head.
Two barrels in the living room contained decomposed bodies identified as the male's wife, aged [Redacted], and child, aged [Redacted]. A note confessed to the crimes, expressing remorse and guilt.
The scene was secured, forensic support and backup were called, evidence collected, and witnesses interviewed. Bodies and evidence were sent to the forensic lab.
Forensic findings confirmed identities, causes of death, and disturbing details. The bodies, dead for over two months, bore signs of blunt force trauma. Acid-filled barrels housed the victims. Evidence revealed sexual abuse and assault, including incestuous relations between the male and his child.
The male, haunted by nightmares and hallucinations, documented his crimes. The female witnessed the child's abuse, leading to a fatal confrontation. The male, in a recorded message, apologised before ending his life.
The investigation concluded the case as a suicide and double homicide, a result of profound psychological disturbance.
Detective [Redacted]
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Squidmanescape (talk) 03:07, 23 February 2024 (UTC)[]
I'm sorry for not giving you any feedback. You deserved feedback before posting the story on the site. However, just to be clear, I probably won't give as much as I have for other stories, simply because this is not a good time for me. Please post on my talk page if you have any other questions.
The main problem I have with the story is how the twist is set up rather poorly and doesn't really explain the man's actions. Why did he kill his child if he loved her? Why did he say that the drums were for someone's assignments? Also, there are plot threads which are never explained. Why was he tormented by hallucinations? Did this happen before or after the fatal confrontation with his wife? Overall, the police report is really disjointed and I feel like it needs heavy editing to make temporal sense. For example, you should probably put the paragraph with the crimes after the paragraph with the note.
Some sentences aren't in the past tense like the rest:
- I get (got) up and take (took) out my pistol and keep (kept) it near me lest something happens (happened).
- I get (got) up, still very exhausted, and go (went) to retrieve some pills.
- I take (took) two on my palm and gulp (gulped) them down with water.
- I mutter (muttered) and I spin (spun) around the room like some damn Beyblade.
There were some spelling mistakes:
- supress -> suppress
There might be others. Please check.
The paragraph spacing is also bad. Please write like this, with two presses of the Enter key between paragraphs. Maybe you can put a line between the story and the police report by doing the following in Source Mode on a new line: ----
Overall, I think you can write a better version of this by at the very least trying to draft a timeline of events. I think you can probably make this idea work, and I'm glad it was deleted because I have faith that whatever end product you create by improving this will be much better.