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Anything to help[]

I am an independent game developer. The game is very small, so I typically stick around just to help players with the game. I am very motivated, I would do anything to help. I had just gotten online and answered a few questions by a few new players. Soon enough, a new person joined. I realized soon that he had hacks on, as he was entering areas that he needed a higher level to be in and he seemed to be x-raying. He was hacking. I need to help him fix that.

I get in the car and start driving. I didn’t know where to go, I just sensed the way. I would do anything to help. I arrive at the house that the hacker lived in, I just knew it when I pulled into the driveway. I kick open the door and search the kitchen drawers of the house. Perfect. I head down the hallway, and stop infront of the door I know his room is behind. I open it, and see fear in his eyes as he sees me enter. “He is afraid!” I thought. “I have to help him!”. I take out the item I took.

A knife.

I raise the blade and let my arm drop. I look down a few seconds later at his motionless body. The knife is still inside of it, and blood is coming out of where I stabbed him. “Oh dear!” I thought. “Dead people need proper burials! I need to help with that!” I drag his corpse out into the backyard and start digging. An hour later, the hole is piled up and the body is gone.

Around two hours later, I turn on my computer and log on. A player approaches me and asks me a question. “Ok!” I said in the in-game chat. “I would do anything to help!”

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William See (talk) 23:11, 6 July 2022 (UTC)[]

Here’s some major issues with the syntax and logic of some sentences.

“The game is small, so I typically stick around to help them.” Help who?

”There were thoughts of hacking on his mind” How would the narrator know this, if its just his own interpretation of his own thoughts? He’d justify it using other “in-game” logic deduction.

i think the concept is good, but certain things just detract from the overall story and theme. Theres maybe one paragraph dedicated to the whole “I’m in a video game” theme and after that it drops. It doesn’t really tie well into the motif of wanting to “help” new players either, but the initial reference is the key to that. I’d also get rid of the final paragraph as - like many murder stories like it - just kind of comes out of nowhere and adds an unneeded level of outside perspective and detail.

Little Nile Flower (talk) 07:49, 13 July 2022 (UTC)[]

Title: 'Help' should be capitalized. The first and last words of the title, all nouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinate conjuctions should be capitalized.

So the first thing to note is that you don't start new paragraphs when you switch topics or when a character begins speaking, or in this case "thinking" - in fact the paragraphs seem kind of randomly spaced every few sentences regardless of whether or not the next sentence has anything to do with the previous one. Always start a new paragraph when you switch topics or have a new character speak. For example, the entire italicized portion below should be a separate paragraph:

"I am an independent game developer. The game is very small, so I typically stick around just to help players with the game. I am very motivated, I would do anything to help. I had just gotten online and answered a few questions by a few new players. Soon enough, a new person joined. I realized soon that he had hacks on, as he was entering areas that he needed a higher level to be in and he seemed to be x-raying. He was hacking. I need to help him fix that."

And here, the same:

"I get in the car and start driving. I didn’t know where to go, I just sensed the way. I would do anything to help. I arrive at the house that the hacker lived in, I just knew it when I pulled into the driveway. I kick open the door and search the kitchen drawers of the house. Perfect. I head down the hallway, and stop infront of the door I know his room is behind. I open it, and see fear in his eyes as he sees me enter. “He is afraid!” I thought. “I have to help him!”. I take out the item I took."

Now to get into... the kind of there-ish plot? Lemme try and do this point by point:

-This character is an independent game developer, running a small game. Somehow this small game is capable of hosting some kind of online multiplayer? Nothing about the game is elaborated on. Regardless, a small independent game is very unlikely to be some type of MMO, but that's probably a little nitpicky. What's up next, however, isn't.

-This guy sees this hacker and psychically, mysteriously, instantly, with absolutely no explanation or elaboration, knows where he lives. There's nothing to imply that he has psychic powers, he just does. There's nothing to imply he should be able to know this stuff, he just does. I'm not getting the feeling of being scared or creeped out by this game developer, I'm confused more than anything; is he some kind of strange otherworldly monster? Probably not, he's killing people with knives. Is he just a weirdly psychic dude? Then how in the world does he, as you've specified he is a small game dev, able to afford to go to every cheater's house and murder them?

-This man-psychic-game-dev-gigachad-wannabe had time to kick down the door and search the kitchen for a knife before the cheater noticed he was in the house and called the cops? Nuh-uh, good sir. Doors are very loud when kicked open. Even more egregious is that when the cheater does notice him, he sits there afraid, but doesn't try to run, fight back, or otherwise defend himself from the random psychic game dev that invaded his house! He gets stabbed, without fighting back, only once and dies. The reaction just doesn't seem all that... human? Certainly not really realistic - none of this seems to be how a human being would react.

-There is a very wide gap between being happy to help to the point of being robotic, and being murderous. There's nothing closing that gap here. How does this game developer determine that him murdering the hacker helps said hacker? Sure, he's not hacking anymore, but my brother in Ra, listen: there are way easier ways to pull that off. Like, ya know, banning the hacker and patching the game accordingly. Like actual game devs do. Point being is that you establish the character as this 'nice guy who'd do anything to help' and then jump right into murder without any actual justification in the storyline - there's no way you can say this was in the character of someone 'happy to help,' because he sure seems to be blanking out when it comes to not doing the stabby-stabs in chesty-cavs.

-The overarching problem here, if it isn't clear enough: Nothing of importance has been elaborated on. There's a plot, but not a good one, because there's too many loose ends. What and who is this game dev? Why does he murder cheaters instead of being more passive? (Note: You needing him to murder people so that you have a story doesn't count as an answer to that question.) Things just don't seem like they could happen in reality period - suspension of disbelief only goes so far; about two miles that way. It likes to stop at a bar on Rosewood Avenue, but I digress. It's not infinite, so there has to be something realistic and relateable in order to evoke any real feeling out of the work. This doesn't creep me out, it doesn't scare me, it doesn't even hook me; it just leaves me confused.

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