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I was a detective for Spring’s Wood town. I solve cases of missing people, murder mysteries, etc, but one case scared me for life forever. Hello, my name is Detective Martha, and this is one of the cases I wish I had never discovered.

I was in my office one morning, I was trying to find out what happened in the case of 5 missing teens. 3 were girls and 2 were boys, their names were, Nancy, Carry, Jane, Coddy, and Macen. I was looking for clues until I heard that they were last seen going into the abandoned house just 25 yards away from the cemetery. I knew that anyone who had gone inside that house, never came out, but I was determined to find them and get them home safely.

I took a gun, ammo, a camera, pepper spray, and things for DNA printing. Then I went to the house where the teens went to. When I arrived I walked to the door and opened it, I knew that no one’s living in it anymore so I let myself in. I checked into the upstairs rooms but no one was there, I checked into the rooms on the middle floor but no one was there. I was starting to give up all hope of finding them, but all of the sudden, I heard a mone in the basement. So I went inside the basement.

What I saw, was the most unsettling sight I have ever seen in my whole career. It was a blob like crecher, with humen flesh, hands were coming out of it, arms were coming out of it, legs were coming out of it, head’s were coming out of it, feet were coming out of it, faces were coming out of it, and the voices for it sounded like it’s victims. I noteced that 5 of the 20 voices sounded like the 5 teens that disappeared, they were crying for help, so I ran to it and said:

“Don’t worry, just give me your hand.”

Then a arm and a hand came out, then I grabbed it and pulled out, and it was Nancy. Then I pulled the rest of the 5 teen’s out, but when I got the last teen, my foot on the blob and it was absorbing me. The teen’s tried to get her out, but she yield:

“Go! Don’t worry about me! Go home!”

They then ran like the wind. I was fully absorbed thow. When I was in the thing, I heard voices saying:

“Were all welcome in the blob.”

I’m still in the blob to this day, the teen’s do come in to feed me and every victim of the blob, but I can never leave.

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William See (talk) 18:19, 30 January 2023 (UTC)[]

Some misspellings: humen -> human

crecher —> creature

So, in terms of description, you can remove redundant statements or sentences such as “I was scarred* (not scared) for life.” <—- “For life” is the same as “forever”, in this context. You could generally rewrite the introduction to be more concise/flow better like so: “My name is Detective Blank, and I work for the small town of Spring Woods. I’ve solved many cases including (blank) and (blank), but there is one case that scarred me for life.” Also, I’d recommend using “scarred for life” more since it could be a clever clue as to what happened to the narrator…

When describing the creature, you don’t have to repeat description of everything it had repetitively. Less is more, you can simply say “It was a jumbled, blobby mess of limbs and heads” and let the reader use their imagination to fill in the blanks. Try describing one thing from each of the five senses, as a basic tip.

Second paragraph, comma splice seen: “-I was in my office one morning, trying to find out what happened to five missing teens.” If you start a second clause, you can put a period since its an entirely new thought, or use a comma if the thoughts are tied together (1• “I was in my office one morning. 2• I was trying to find out…”).

The concept itself is fine, I think having the detective tell the story despite essentially being gone to the world is good rather than having them say “and then I died and got eaten by the blob”. You could spin the angle that they are telling this story to someone who discovered the blob. The biggest issue is that the story progresses far too quickly; for someone who’s a detective, there isn’t much mystery, and the narrator is given the one and only lead right at the start, which is a very suspicious house that lots of people go missing in. Its also far too easy for the detective to have pulled the teens out; if escape is improbable, let them stay in there. It adds to the horror.

Additionally, I’m curious as to how it came about. You don’t need an elaborate backstory for the Blob (maybe for the main character), but there should be some sort of closure as to what happens once you’re inside it. Maybe the narrator is given some insight into where it cane from: maybe the blob represents the combination of missing persons in the world. Etc etc. I hope this helps.