CLL[]
Run! I heard them shout as I chased after them through the twisted forest. Oh, I almost forgot to introduce myself. I'm Creepy Little Lulu but I go by CLL. You might be wondering, How I got here...well, let me tell you how it all began. It all began all on a warm spring morning. Lulu, are you still in bed! I told you to get up almost an hour ago! That's my mom, she tend to exaggerate a lot. You better not be reading all that creepypasta junk again! I told you it's all fake and made up! Ugh, she will never understand the work people put into making these stories. I walked downstairs before she could yell at me some more. Oh, good Lulu you're finally up. I have to take your little sister into town so you will be alone today. I don't care what you do as long as you don't get into any trouble. That's when Lucy walked into the kitchen. Morning mommy! she is mommy's little princess and does no wrong. She makes me sick. Morning Lucy, how did you sleep? I slept very well! Hurry up or we will be late! I watched them as they left and drove into town. I Once they were gone, decided to find out for myself if the creepypasta character were actually really or not. I began to gather what I thought I needed and left the house. I knew exactly where to start looking. I headed for the forbidden forest. I knew that no one was allowed to enter but I did it anyways. I had no idea why it was forbidden until it was too late. I was just casually walking along when I heard a noise. I froze in my tracks and looked around. There was no one there. The forest was empty when suddenly I spotted what looked like a long forgotten drain pipe. The thing was huge. It was big enough for me to go inside. There was writing all over the walls telling me to turn back and run away. Thinking back I wish I had listen to those warnings but I didn't and now I live this life. I was checking out the pipe when I suddenly heard voices. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran and hid behind a rock. I peeked out from behind the rock and couldn't believe what I saw. There standing in the pipe I saw them talking with my very own eyes. I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Could it really be them? I hide back behind the rock trying to figure out what I had just seen. I slowly peeked back over the rocked but they were gone. I wondered where they could have gone as I slowly stood up. That's when I heard a noise from behind me. I slowly turned around. There they were standing behind me. It sounded like they were muttering some sort of spell. I was frozen in place. I'm not talking that I was so scared that I couldn't move frozen but more like something they were doing made it so I couldn't move. I knew that once slenderman and slendrina find you there is nothing you can do. I felt myself changing but not in a good way. it was like whatever they were muttering was changing me. I could see my reflection changing in the water next to me. My hair turned from a golden blonde to an oily black. My ocean blue eyes turned blood red. my skin became as white as theirs was. I felt tentacles sprout from my back. I was now one of them. I could now understand what they were saying. It was a transformation spell. Soon the transformation was complete. they stopped muttering and each took one of my hands. Slenderman was on my right while slenderinia was on my left. They were my parents now. That's how it all happened. As for my actual family, things didn't end so well for them. I had to kill them in the worst way possible. It was a test. A test to see if I was worth it. I can still remember creeping up to the house late at night. I started into my parents room first. I had a knife with me and was ready to use it. I took the knife and dug it deep into my mothers chest. She woke up screaming but I muffled them with her pillow. Shh, save your voice, you'll want it for your last words. I heard myself laughing like a maniace. I dragged the knife down slowly through her body. I enjoyed watching the blood bleed all over. I did the same to my father then began slowly making my way to Lucy's room. When I got there I slowly open the door. As I walked into the room as I noticed she was not in her bed. SHe must have got woken up by the screaming. I looked under her bed and I saw her looking back at me. Her eyes were full of fear and I could tell she has been crying. I slowly pulled her out and began to chant. I watched her transform into a mini me. To this day she is know as S.l.e.n. Now, that you know what happened let's get back to the present. Slen and I ran through the forest together chasing the helpless humans. We murder the humans and brought the remains home to the rest of the pack. That night we had human for dinner.
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rated R[]
this is not for the faint of heart. It contains blood and gore.
Te (talk) 15:06, 11 March 2022 (UTC)[]
Howdy there, I'm here to provide some feedback on your story.
Right off the bat, it's plain to see there's a significant formatting issue: it's a big fat wall of text. This can really put off readers, and ensure that they don't give your story a chance. It's uncomfortable to read, and looks sloppy.
Separating lines / paragraphs is especially necessary for dialogue. Quotation marks too.
It all began all on a warm spring morning. Lulu, are you still in bed! I told you to get up almost an hour ago! That's my mom, she tend to exaggerate a lot. You better not be reading all that creepypasta junk again!
vs. It all began all on a warm spring morning.
"Lulu, are you still in bed! I told you to get up almost an hour ago," said my mom, she tends to exaggerate a lot. "You better not be reading all that creepypasta junk again!" It's easier to read, comprehend, and looks a lot more tidy and cohesive.
There are also some tense issues that are prevalent throughout this work. It can be confusing sometimes to keep one's self in the correct tense. That's where self-editing can really help.
Mentioning creepypastas is a risky game. It can be very immersion breaking, attempting to be meta like that. Sometimes, it can work, but it's very rare. Parents also don't tend to show that level of interest or understanding in the finer details of their child's proclivities. Perhaps consider that a parent may say "You better not be reading those internet stories!" or something along those lines.
Lines like this one "...I knew that no one was allowed to enter but I did it anyways." tend to be very immersion breaking. Very rarely does anyone do things just because, and usually when they do, there is actually a reason behind it. Perhaps she did it because she knew she shouldn't. Maybe she wanted to make her mom angry?
"Could it really be them?" my heart sank as I read this line. I was begging for it not to be some kind of Jeff, Toby, Slenderman, etc. spinoff. They are not only not allowed on this wiki, but they're also a shortcut to creativity. Unfortunately, my prayers went unanswered. I'd highly recommend you remove this aspect from the story, and exercise your own creativity. Don't base your story on someone else's work, it cheapens it.
If you do decide to keep this spin-off aspect, you'll need to post it elsewhere, as this wiki doesn't host such topics.
The pace after the encounter with Slenderman and Slenderina, goes 0-100 immediately. Lulu just randomly transforming, becoming one of them, and killing her own family to "prove herself" feels kind of abrupt. There's no inner turmoil? There's no emotion, or real illustration of the events? These are the reasons we read these stories, these are the scenes we live to write. Don't race through them, take your time and really make the reader engaged. Make them see what you envision.
The gore is also not really that bad/excessive. There's no need for a disclaimer.
All in all, this story is chalk full of cliches, short sighted plot-twists, and blacklisted subjects (spin-offs).
In it's current state, this can't be posted to the wiki. It breaks rules, and is substantially below quality standards. I'd really love for you to redo a bit of this, and focus on making your own story and characters, instead of trying to uses Slenderman as a crutch.