Template:Die Untote Armee
I run through the trenches, my heart racing. Every step I take, mud splashes everywhere. Rain and debris hit my helmet as explosions throw dirt in every direction. Several soldiers run around me as they try to dodge the incoming fire. Eventually, I trip on a body and fall into the wet dirt, my helmet falling off. I slowly get up, mud covering my uniform and face. I grab my dirty helmet and put it back on. Quickly, I stand up and continue running. As I'm running, I notice that everyone in the trench is dead, their bodies limp, standing still in the dirt. I stop, and slowly back away from this sight and turn back around to see the same thing.
Then, my heart stops. The bodies start to rise, almost come back to life. They look rotten, torn like they had just been shredded. I pull up my rifle and aim at one of the reanimated corpses, but then I hear footsteps behind me, too. I turn around once again and see the corpses walk towards me, limping. I turn to the trench wall and climb out of it. When I reach the surface, I'm greeted by a horde of the undead. I start to run, but find out I'm just running in place, not gaining speed. The horde soon reaches me, and I scream in pain as they devour my body.
I continue this loud scream as I shoot out of bed. I notice my heart is pounding. Immediately, I stop screaming when I realize it was just a dream. I can feel my hands shaking. This nightmare has been haunting me for weeks. I climb out of bed and walk across the room to an open window. I can see its night, and the streetlamps shining upon the small town. When I look down at the ground through the window, I see few soldiers and civilians walking around. Curious, I return to my bed to dig through my bag and try to find my pocket watch.
Thankfully, I found it and looked at what time it was. 3:23. I sigh, and put on my uniform and cap. I open the door and leave the building I was sleeping in. As I step outside, I feel the nights cold air. Deciding to take a walk, I stroll down the silent street, the only sounds being small winds, animals and people walking.
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J. Deschene (talk) 18:59, 20 April 2021 (UTC)
The imagery is strong from the very beginning, which is appreciated. I suggest varying the lengths of your sentences. Shorter sentences generally create suspense more effectively. Also, we don't need every single blow-by-blow detail. You can leave some things implied. For instance, we don't need to know that he stops screaming when he realizes it was all a dream because we can infer it ourselves. Taking out these little things will make your story flow better.
Where the story goes wrong is at the end. It's not clear at all what we're meant to gain from the end of the story. Is it meant to be a twist? You need to be clearer about what's happening here. Furthermore, you abruptly switch to past tense in your last paragraph and it's not clear why. I suggest sticking with present tense all the way through.
Overall, not a bad start, but the build-up deserves a better payoff.