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Dollface. (REWRITTEN.) (unreviewed)[]

“I’ve wanted to tell you something.” A brown-haired woman combed through her hair anxiously with her hands, looking at a young man as he returned the gaze with an expectant question. “We’ve worked together for at least 3 years now, and I’ve had feelings for you.” She closed her eyes and tightened her grip. She saw his lips move but didn’t hear a thing. An alarm blared in the brunette’s ears, making her groan angrily and sit up in her bed, staring at her phone out of frustration.

She pulled the blankets off of herself and turned off the alarm to get ready for work. After taking a quick shower and fixing up her hair, she got dressed and made sure everything was in order before grabbing her bag and walking out of her apartment. Inhaling sharply, she started down the path to the diner. She’s been there for 3 years by now, and she started to get tired of rollerskating to take the orders and deliver said orders to tables.

However, it’s good pay, and the ‘love of her life’ lives there. She’s a hopeless romantic, sure, but she couldn’t help but not fall in love with him. He was nice, gentle, and…. Her attention was drawn to a poster on a telephone pole a few blocks down from the diner. Another missing person poster. Eloise was informed of a mass kidnapping a year ago in that area. Her mother specifically told her. Due to her moving quite far away from her parents, her mother always kept her up to date about any dangers that were in the area. But Eloise always brushed it off, saying that she’d be fine.

Sighing and walking inside shortly after reaching her job, she waved to the busboy whom she had a crush on. Her heart fluttered once he smiled at her and waved back. Brushing off the feeling of being heartstruck, the brunette went to the breakroom to put on her apron, and rollerskates before going to wait on a few tables.

“You’re quite the busybody, aren’t you?” Eloise heard the voice of a strange man. She looked back at who was talking to her, as she held two trays in her hand, trying to keep focus on keeping her balance. “I-I’m sorry?” She heard him clearly, she was just confused about why he’d suddenly bother her when she had her hands full. She saw the man narrow his eyes out of frustration, his smile turning into more of a slight frown. “I said, you’re quite the busybody, aren’t you?” “Um. I guess you could say that, haha..” She laughed awkwardly, starting to feel uncomfortable by the way the man looked at her. She didn’t want to be rude, but she wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she went to the table where she was supposed to give the food to. But she could feel his gaze still on her. Soon after, it was time for her break. She skated to the breakroom to sit down and drink some water. Groaning a little as she stretched on the chair. She closed her eyes and thought about a few things before she heard the door open, opening an eye to see who it was, and there he was, the man of her life.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you here.” He joked, taking a seat next to her. “You doin’ okay, El? You looked a bit distraught before going on your break.” Eloise nodded, she didn’t want to explain the situation at first, but just went along with it. “There was this one customer. I don’t want to fully accuse him, but. I have a feeling he was eyeing me for a while until he left. And he acted. Strange.” She saw him narrow his eyes, his more silly-like tone turning a bit more serious, and concerned. “What did he look like? I’ll keep an eye out to see if he comes back, or something.”

After the both of them spoke about the situation some more, Eloise’s break was up. She sighed, before going to stand up. “I’ll talk to you later?” He smiled at her and nodded before waving goodbye. The rest of the day went out as normal. But she had a horrible feeling that someone was watching her. But the man that was weird towards her was already gone. The feeling didn’t stop. Not even after her shift. She started to feel… Unsafe. She asked another co-worker of hers to drive her home just in case. Once they dropped her off, she thanked them and got out of the car. She looked for her keys as she walked to her apartment door. When she noticed her door was already unlocked, her heart sank. She quickly went to grab her phone and call the police. She started walking away from the complex just in case the intruder was still around. After the police arrived, however, Eloise, and whoever was seemingly inside her apartment were gone.

Darkness. Pain. Fear. That’s all Eloise could sense. She couldn’t see, and she was tied up. She knew she was somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be. Her hands and legs were restricted. She couldn’t go anywhere, or do anything. All she could do was scream for help, but no one was there. No one could hear her. Except for her captive. Who was in the room with her the whole time? Once her screams and cries were finally drowned out. The sound of a bat hitting a skull over, and over again was heard until it stopped. Eloise couldn’t feel a thing anymore. She couldn’t see, she couldn’t feel, she couldn’t hear, she couldn’t do anything. Until. After what felt like days, and minutes at the same time; she was alive again. But something felt off. She was covered in dirt. Her throat ached, so she couldn’t ask for help. She had to dig herself out.

Desperate digging, finally got her out. Panting loudly, she was finally able to feel the air in her... Lungs? Wait. Her thoughts and memories rushed back to her in seconds, wasn’t she supposed to be dead? She opened her eyes, but she couldn’t see. Was it that dark outside? She decided her eyes wouldn’t be of any use, and carefully and agonizingly started crawling to see if she could feel anything. Her hands felt brick. Someone had to have dug her a custom grave near a building. But why’s she suddenly alive? She should’ve been dead. After crawling some more, she felt glass. Either a low window or maybe a sliding door. She felt around for a couple more minutes before her hand felt something that was a handle. She carefully held onto the wall with one hand, pulling the door open before falling onto the ground again. She lay there for a while, regaining her strength before holding onto the handle and pulling herself up.

She cursed whoever did this to her in her mind. She swore to make them suffer for what they’ve done to her. Her coming back to life was the worst thing that’d happen to that person. She promised herself that. Minutes turned into hours before she was able to walk into the house, her vision coming back enough for her to walk around the house. She was in the kitchen, which was connected to 3 other rooms. The living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom. The house was a one-story house. She doesn’t know anyone who owns a one-story house. Her eyes scanned the kitchen for a weapon, she grabbed a knife from the knife rack and opened a drawer to pull out a few nails, and a hammer. Her movements were like that of a ninja, silent and quick. She peered inside the room, noticing the strange man she had seen at her job. He was sewing something. A doll that looked like… The love of her life. Rage filled her body. Is that what he does? He murders people, and sews them into dolls as some sort of sick joke? Was he the cause of all of the kidnappings?

So many thoughts ran through her head, but the loudest one shouted at her to kill him before the man killed the one she loved the most. Or even more people. Lunging towards him, she held her hand around his mouth before stabbing his neck a few times, intentionally missing the specific arteries that’d immediately kill him. She held her hand around his mouth before quickly grabbing the sewing needle and thread that he was using to sew his newest doll. She was unsure if he had any neighbors, but given how many missing people were shown, he had to have none. Blood started to fill his mouth as he lay on his back. Eloise quickly sewed his mouth shut for him to drown in his blood. After finishing the last stitch, she threw the needle aside, hammering his arms and legs to his bed before deciding enough was enough and letting him stay there to die. At first, she worried she’d get caught.

But once she fully got a good look at her hands, they weren’t actual hands. They were hands that a doll would have. No fingerprints, nothing to lead the police back to her. However, that just raised more questions. She threw everything else she used to finish the job on his bed before stumbling towards the bathroom to take a look at herself. She flipped on the switch for the light and got a good look at herself. She truly was just a doll now. Her eyes were even sewn in as buttons. Her freckles were freshly painted on her face. However her clothes. Were something that she wouldn’t wear. It was more, sexualized. This made her think that the reason why he killed her, and turned her into this… The doll thing was definitely for more than just a trophy. She felt sick. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. But she knew she had to leave. Now.

Before turning off the light, she noticed the fang-like appearance on the ends of her mouth. She opened her mouth, and noticed that the fangs acted like pincers bugs would have. Before more questions arose, she went to stumble out of the house, walking to the backyard where she was. There was a tall fence, but she was able to break it with enough force. Walking away from the house, the worries of her getting caught eventually went away, but the new worries of wondering where she’d live arose.

CherryYoin (talk) 05:49, 1 January 2024 (UTC) CherryYoin

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Squidmanescape (talk) 02:58, 2 February 2024 (UTC)[]

I think the story itself is interesting and has an understandable sense of cause and affect, so you can probably post it. I'm very glad to see how you got us to care for this person not only by going into their life before becoming a doll, but by giving her rational motivations for committing violence.

However, there are some problems with the way the story is written, though the plot is still understandable.

In some cases, you use present tense instead of past tense. Some examples:

  • Inhaling sharply, she started down the path to the diner. She’s She'd been there for 3 years by now, and she started to get tired of rollerskating to take the orders and deliver said orders to tables.
  • The house was a one-story house. She doesn’t didn't know anyone who owns owned a one-story house.
  • But why’s why was she suddenly alive?

I feel like this is the easiest one to fix.

You also use sentence fragments. Some of them are understandable, but some of them were a bit confusing to me and could be conveyed using commas or deleting the period entirely. For example:

  • She skated to the breakroom to sit down and drink some water. Groaning a little as she stretched on the chair.
  • However her clothes. Were something that she wouldn’t wear.

There are some words which I think could be better.

  • You used the word "heartstruck", which means "shocked with pain, fear, or remorse", instead of "lovestruck", which seems to have been what you meant.
  • You used "captive" in "Except for her captive" when I think you meant "captor".
  • I feel like the sentence, "Before turning off the light, she noticed the fang-like appearance on the ends of her mouth" could be worded better. For example, you could say "appearance of" to imply it looked like the ends of her mouth were fangs. I don't know if that's what you meant.

Do you know how to edit in Source Mode? There are some oddities about the formatting which show up in Source Mode.

Overall, I hope you can go over what you wrote and edit it to fix these problems and more. You can also ask me if you want any more advice (though if my advice wasn't helpful, I'm sorry).