Dollface[]
Dollface once was a young woman named Eloise with her whole life ahead of her. She was planning to finally confess to a co-worker that worked at a local diner as a busboy after her shift. However, that life of hers was swiftly taken away when a serial killer had murdered her with a pair of scissors. He had stuffed her body into a life-sized doll that he had made specifically for her. Even the doll's features was close to hers.
He had then buried the doll in his backyard along with multiple other dolls that he had made. Although, the most recent doll that he had buried or as he called her; "Dollface" had woken up and dug her way out of her dirt grave. Even if her eyes were buttons, she was able to see out of them like normal human eyes. Her movements were erratic and crazed. She had looked down at her body, realizing it wasn't hers, but in fact a doll's.
She didn't have the strength to speak, just drag her legs towards the back door of her killer. Her memories were faded, but still there. Her arm extended to open the door, opening it quietly before noticing the scissors that were used to kill her. She grabbed them and looked around for him. She could tell he was still home, but she just couldn't figure out where. Her vision grew blurry as she stumbled down the hall and towards his room.
His door was open, his back turned while he worked on another doll for a future victim, one that seemed like a child. Dollfaces' vision grew red and even more blurry, feeling anger towards her killer. For what he had did to her, and all of his other victims. She stabbed him in the back with the scissors over and over, making him fall off of his chair, and try to fight back. Eventually, she had stabbed him enough to render him unable to move, but still alive. She had felt satisfied enough, but she figured that he should have a taste of his own medicine.
Dollface had laid him onto his back before carving his eyes out with said scissors, although he screamed and wept out of pain, no one was able to hear him. Eventually after she had carved both of his eyes out, she threw them in a garbage can and sewed buttons onto his sockets. Before she had left the house, she plunged the scissors into his back again, leaving to try and find somewhere else to live. She was considered a murderer, but at least there wasn't a way for anyone to catch her. Especially if it came to fingerprints.
Concept art for eloise and dollface
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Te (talk) 18:54, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[]
I'll start off with what I enjoyed. I liked the last line "...but at least there wasn't a way for anyone to catch her. Especially if it came to fingerprints.". It was a nice little tie in with the whole transformation into a different being (a doll, in this case). I'm a sucker for revenge, so I liked that she killed the guy.
My biggest issue with this is that it's not really fleshed out. We don't know Eloise, we don't know her life, we don't know the killer, and we don't know why she came back as her fetish-doll. In fact, there's a lot we don't know. Sometimes that can be a powerful device, but in this case it feels a bit confusing and unfinished. There's bones to a story here, and one that could be of multiple installments (if that's your intention), or standalone. While it does read like an OC, that doesn't necessarily need to be it's limitation. Maybe we learn more about Dollface/Eloise? Maybe her killer isn't the only person doing these strange doll-murder rituals? Maybe she's not the only one to have come back in that way, or a similar one? You have a lot of substance to go on in your worldbuilding. I'm also curious as to why when he "...screamed and wept out of pain..." no one heard him. What time of day does this take place at? Does he have neighbours? Did she sew his mouth shut, muffling his screams? Even if you come up with answers to all of these questions, you don't necessarily need to tell the reader, as long as it all makes sense in your world (although I tend to be a greedy reader and always want more answers).
There is a lot of confusing sentences, poor wording choices, grammar, and syntax issues. I'd recommend whatever you intend to do with the story, really give it a good proof read. Perhaps read it out loud, and that way you can realize parts that don't quite make sense. "She was planning to finally confess to a co-worker that worked at a local diner as a busboy after her shift. However..." What was she going to confess? The wording also makes it seem as though her "co-worker" has a different job than her due to the strange context and phrasing.
One last point (that's more of an opinion than an objective sort of criticism): Why did she kill her murderer? I understand that we'd all like to do that kind of justice to those who've wronged us, or anyone. I just don't understand what makes her capable of murder. She even acknowledges it as murder. It ties back into knowing very little about her, but from what we do know she's just an average girl who works (at a diner?).
Criticism aside, I think there's some good bones here. If you put the effort into cleaning up the technical stuff, and giving us more of what you see, this could be a cool story for sure.