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E.A.T[]

(UNFINISHED/VERY ROUGH DRAFT)

It's always been foggy here. Ever since I could remember the wisps of water vapour have never left, their suffocating at times but comforting in others. The fog was especially thick around the forest that surrounded my backyard.

I moved to Washington state a few years ago chasing adventure, looking for the unknown, and being a young, bright, and brave twenty year old it all just made sense. Being part of a group that hunts the abnormal you were prepared for everything but nothing at the same time. The group consisted of me and four other people from a myspace chatroom I had created for this exact purpose.

The first day we met was the 31st of July at the Sea-Tac airport. A small girl with cat-eye glasses, ash blonde hair, and onyx eyes approached me at noon introducing herself as Crimson Rhodes or as I knew her, ShySpooker, the first person to join my chatroom. Moments after her arrival came Bentley Jeffersons, a black-haired, hazel-eyed, crazy grin guy. Better known to myspace as _Canniballz_. I never questioned his username until I saw him with his sharp canines and yellow-tinted teeth, looking like a real-life windigo.

Scout Edwards showed up next and what she looked like was a major surprise, one because I wasn’t expecting someone who goes under the username WrathWarrior to be a female, and two, she had that cliche look to her that everyone would call, the spoiled, I-run-this-town and will blame all my wrongdoings on you, type of brat.

Finally at around midnight the last of the group showed up, Mr.Ghosts.Are.Real.th or as he introduced himself, Garth Mikealson. We didn't spend much time at the airport after Garth arrived, in fact, he no sooner got his bags before we all walked to the car in silence ready to head to our new home.

The house was perfect. Built-in the early 1900s for a very rich but cynical man by the name of Whistlin Van Locke who was accused of murdering his biological family but also his nonconsensual wife's family, only to later in his life kill himself and his wife after the birth of their daughter. It was such a chilling story, that I knew I just had to buy the place, behind the property led straight into a patch of trees leading into an endless forest that belonged in a horror movie. Heavy fog weaved in and out between the tall pines, a wall of bushes on both sides of the path that led deeper into the scary maze, there were no birds to my knowledge, no animals at all from what I've seen.





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Te (talk) 17:00, 18 February 2022 (UTC)[]

Salutations! I have arrived to provide some feedback on your WIP/draft.

You have a cool beginning for a story here.

First thing I've noticed, right off the bat, is that there are a bit of spelling/wordchoice issues here. In the opening paragraph, "Ever since I could remember the wisps of water vapour have never left, their suffocating at times but comforting in others." "their" should be "they're". There = a spot (Your keys are over there), or in some cases a tense (there are/there were). They're = conjunction of "they are" (They're going to the movies together). Their = denotes someone's ownership (It's their car). Similarly, the line "...you were prepared for everything but nothing at the same time" is a bit awkwardly worded. It sounds like you mean that "...you were prepared for everything except nothing...", but I think you mean "...you were prepared for everything and nothing..."

There are a few points where it may be wise to separate certain independent clauses into their own sentences, rather than joining them with a comma. "Scout Edwards showed up next and what she looked like was a major surprise, one because I wasn’t expecting..." may come across a bit more smoothly as "Scout Edwards showed up next and what she looked like was a major surprise. One, because I wasn’t expecting...", for example. It can be easy to let a sentence get away from you with commas. I, myself, fall victim to excessive comma use.

In the line "...accused of murdering his biological family but also his nonconsensual wife's family..., what exactly do you mean by nonconsensual? His wife did not marry him willingly? Her family wasn't murdered willingly? Either way, it comes across a bit strangely. Perhaps you could reword it, or illustrate what you mean in a more clear/concise way?

With touching up these small, but prevalent issues, and continuing your plot you could really have a cool story here. I'm very curious to know what these paranormal hunters are going to end up stumbling across!

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