Hello, my name is John Unity. I have been living with my parents in a suburban house for a couple of years now, that time I was ten years old.
I woke up on the bed as always. It was 6:00 AM. I was too lazy to get up, so I go back to sleep, and I re-awaken at 8:30 AM. My mom walks into my room and tells me to brush my teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast, and go outside and ride my bicycle around the neighborhood for 15-minutes. Those are all just exercise activities. Yeah, she understands how lazy I was at this age. My parents couldn't let me stay inside the room all day because I was a boy who turned addicted to games at the age of 5. Of course, my parents and I got into an argument, finding that I was too addicted and lost my privileges to use any devices except television.
Although time passed, my parents started to rethink their choices because they couldn't just let a kid like me be all alone without something to play with. As days pass by, comic books, toys would be bored, so they have no other options but to let me use devices once more. Under two conditions, one, I must not let it affect my studying, and two, I will have to intend an exercise activity for intervals of half an hour or simply just 15-minutes.
Anyways, after I finished all the daily routines, I walked outside, got onto my bicycle, and when I was about to ride around the neighborhood, I saw a girl, she has long brown hair left loose with it being tied with a bow at the end, she's gorgeous, and cute also. I find interested, so I stopped by to greet her.
"Hello, are you new here?" I asked.
"Yeah, mommy and I moved here ever since dad left us," said the girl.
"Oh? What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Natalie Swann, and I am turning 8-years-old this year," Natalie said with a bright smile.
"Oh, I see, well, have a great day," I said.
And with that, I ride my bicycle away.
After fifteen minutes have passed, I ride the bicycle back to my home, where I walked up to my room, sat down on my chair, and began to play some games on my laptop. While I was in the middle of playing, I started to have a headache, and my stomach doesn't feel good.
I just ignored it and took my head off the screen. Well, typically, there were occasions where I began to experienced nigh-headaches the more I stared at the screen. I just walked outside of my room a while before returning and continue what I was doing. But it didn't relieve me at all. The sensation is still there. Perhaps I must've played too many games for a day.
I just shut down my laptop and walk outside of the house to enjoy the fresh air. When I noticed Natalie sitting and playing in the yard. I walk towards the fence of her home and talk to her.
"Hi there, how's it going?" I asked.
"Oh, fine, I guess. Mom said she's busy with her job to raise me, so I'm all alone now," said Natalie.
"Wait, but weren't parents supposed to leave their children being watch over by someone?" I asked.
"Wait, they must?" asked the girl.
"Oh? Wait? What school do you go to?" I asked.
"I don't go to school. I just stayed home like what mom told me. She doesn't want me to be in places that are crowded, well, for not-so-known reasons," said the girl.
I felt weird. Why would a mother leave her daughter at home all alone with no one babysitting? And why wouldn't they want their children to interact in the outside world? I started to think that Natalie's mother is an anti-social person.
"Um, no offense, but is your mother anti-social?" I asked.
"No, she's not. She wants to keep me safe," said Natalie.
"Okay, anyways, if your feeling lonely, we could have talked to each other," I said.
"Sure," Natalie said with a bright smile.
We talk to each other for a long period, until it was lunch. I walk off and said goodbye, saying that I'll come back and talk to her some days later.
Later that night, my parents were chit-chatting with each other while my sister is busy watching television.
"So, John, what did you do today?" asked Jenny. She's my mother and a very kind-hearted woman who always looks after my sister and me while dad is away. She usually does many chores back home.
"Oh, nothing, I felt like I don't want to play much video games on the laptop, so I walked outside to the yard and got some fresh air...I also met a girl, she's younger than me eight-years-old, her name is Natalie," I said.
"Oh! You mean Natalie Swann, right, this morning? Her mother just arrived and greeted us because they just moved in," said Jenny.
"Yep, she's nice. She even baked us a pie as a gift," said William.
"Hey, honey, I think we should invite her and her daughter to our house one day," said Jenny.
"Sure, I don't see any problem at that," said William.
When we all finished our lunch, I walked upstairs to play video games on my laptop for a while before I take a nap. I woke up at 4:00 PM and went downstairs to see Natalie and her mother sitting on the chair.
"Natalie? What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Oh, we pay you a visit, silly," said Natalie.
"Oh," I said.
I walked downstairs and joined in on the dinner table. While I just sat there and looked at everybody.
"So, I heard that you've been talking to my daughter, right John?" asked.
"Yeah, so?" I asked.
"Well, how long have you two been friends?" asked Ms. Swann.
"Well, just now, at the time when I was taking a walk around the backyard," I said.
"Oh, I see," said Ms. Swann.
We all sat there, talk to each other, sharing things, and finished eating. Afterward, I sat on the couch and spoke to Natalie before her mother tells her its time to go home.
I walked upstairs and lie down on my bed, listen to music for half an hour, and go to sleep.
The next day.
I walked outside and saw Natalie waiting for me. Her mother agreed to let her hang out with me since Natalie never had any friends, so I guess I can be her first friend.
We went to the Park and sat down at a nearby tree, and we started to talk to each other.
"So, I've been curious lately, why did your father leave your mother?" I asked.
"I don't know, from what I can remember, my mother has said that dad has left us secretly while we're all asleep. She couldn't find him anywhere until we discovered he was cheating on mom," said Natalie.
"Oh god, then, did your mother and you got over it?" I asked.
"Yes, but mom didn't want to recall those events, so we both decided to move here and forget the past," said Natalie.
"Oh, that's...sad, sorry for having to hear that," I said.
"It's nothing. We've got over it now," said Natalie.
"Oh, I see," I said.
For a while, when the two of us were talking, I suddenly started to feel a little dizzy. I was asking myself what the hell is happening to me. I closed my eyes for a while and lay down. I opened my eyes, and is a shock to see what I'm looking at now.
I was no longer at the same Park that I've taken Natalie to. I was now in a place that looks entirely different from anything I could imagine. This place happens to be nothing but a wasteland covered in ashes. The skies were all red. I could see fire out, bursting everywhere, the screams of agony, and the trees are all lifeless as if they were burned into nothing. I looked around, for a moment I saw nobody when I blinked shadow figure appears.
"WHAT THE!" I yelled while falling back in fear and shock.
"Soon, the time shall come, and she shall rise as one. At that significant time, you shall be the perfect meal," the figure said and disappeared.
I started to hear sounds inside my head.
"John? John? John?"
I opened my eyes and found Natalie looking at me.
"Oh, Natalie? W-what happened?" I asked.
"You just all of a sudden sleep, I tried to wake you up, but it didn't seem to do anything, although I did sense something weird," said Natalie.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, just before you slept, I had a strange feeling. This feeling is familiar, but yet it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I also start to feel hungry and agitated," said Natalie.
"How long have I been asleep?" I asked.
"You've been asleep for like two hours now. Did you get any sleep?" asked Natalie.
"Y-yes, it's just that, I must've blackout for a while, but it is all right now. I-I gotta get home now," I said.
"Yeah, it's best if you take some rest," said Natalie.
We both got up, and all walked home.
In the bathroom, I looked into the mirror. I had thoughts inside of my mind, what exactly is happening.
I lie down on my bed and still remember that strange dream I was having, but I hoped that wasn't real. I slowly closed my eyes and go to sleep.
"John, John, hey, hey, JOHN WAKE UP!!!" yelled Sarah.
"Ugh," I slowly opened my eyes, seeing my older sister, Sarah, was standing with a disappointed look.
"Wake up, silly, you've slept over five hours," said Sarah.
"What?! Five hours, geez, did I slept that long?" I asked.
"Yes, John, now get yo ass up, go take a shower, and eat some breakfast," said Sarah.
I got out of bed, walk towards the bathroom, brushed my teeth, take a bath, get changed, walk downstairs, and eat breakfast. While eating, I have some thoughts inside my head, thinking of what Natalie and I do today. I think I'll be taking her to eat some ice cream.
Later, when I visit Natalie, her mother came out of the door crying. I asked her what was going on, she told me that Natalie caught a disease, and just this morning, her mother has called the ambulance, and she was transferred to the hospital. I was shocked and asked her whether if I can visits Natalie. But Natalie's mother has told me that her sickness could infect me and suggest to me for my safety to stay away from her.
She told me that Natalie had shown signs of having stomach aches and headaches just this morning, and she even puked all over the floor before fainting. Her mother has said that this may be a severe disease she has caught.
I listen to what she told me and went back home, hoping that Natalie would soon be okay. However, there was a problem. As days pass by, I didn't manage to get in touch with her or her mother, and yet, I began to have nightmares of me still being sent to that hellish wasteland. The figure kept on talking to me about things that don't make any sense.
The creature kept on talking about Natalie as if she and this thing here has some connection with each other. I tried to ignore its speaking, but I couldn't. I always felt more and more depressed the time when I couldn't meet her.
It wasn't long after memories about her began to fade away. I stop having nightmares, though, but I never get to see her or her mother ever since then. I move on.
Two years went by. I intended Halloween with my friends, David and Michael, this is to celebrate Michael's birthday, we went all around the town trick or treating, we even go to the city and explore the beautiful at night time. We both eat some of the delicious food in KFC.
When it was time for us all to head home, Michael's parents dropped me off somewhere near the neighborhood, my house isn't so far now, so I decided to walk from here back to home, but while I was walking, I suddenly heard some sounds coming from the bushes.
I just thought it was a raccoon, a street cat, or maybe a dog. So, I ignored it and continued walking home, but suddenly, I heard the sounds of footsteps and gurgling voices. At first, I thoughted it was just a dog, but I changed my mind when I took a glance from behind. I was shocked by what I am seeing.
It was a girl, no, a thing, it had two black horns on its head, it has half of its skin as Caucasian, but the rest are all black. The creature began to chase me, I panicked and turned around, I started to run as fast as possible trying to get loose of the creature, but I couldn't, it moved too quickly, I tried with all my best efforts to get to my house, but unluckily, I slipped and fall.
I turned around, seeing the creature walking towards me while opening its mouth, revealing a pack of sharp-pointy teeth, it attempted to bite me, but I blocked it with my bare right arm. I tried to hold back the scream and yelled out for help.
When suddenly, my parents rushed out, the creature immediately fled the area. They came and asked whether if I'm fine and check the bitemark left on my arm. When they asked me what animal has bitten me, I've told them it was.
"It was, Natalie?" I said.
Afterward, my parents re-visit Natalie's mother only to find out that Natalie's mother was gone, and she is nowhere to be found. Later that day, they've reported to the police about the incident of last night and suggest they have a night patrol around the area for possible wild animals letting loose.
Everything turned back normal, or so that's what I thought. For some unknown reasons, I didn't like the food that my family made, this is strange, I always loved baked pork and chicken rice, why all of a sudden have a terrible taste for my favorite meals? I am thoughted.
Then, I started to feel dizzy and have a massive headache. When my mom tries to check whether I have a fever, what she finds was nothing out of the ordinary, the temperature in my head was still normal, but the headache keeps getting worse nowadays. My parents decided to take me to the doctor to see what exactly am I experiencing.
While we're waiting outside, the doctor steps out of the room and wants to talk with us.
"Okay, so, Misses and Mister Unity, we believe we found the reason why your son has been like this. You said a strange animal bit him on the streets while he's walking home, right?" asked the doctor.
"Yes, and afterward, he has an aversion towards all the food we made. No matter how many meals we've tried, he always rejected it. Sometimes he even pukes. It just doesn't make any sense," said mom.
The doctor takes a deep breath for a while before he explains to my parents what is happening.
"Well then, I would gladly explain. Your son suffers from a type of deformity that is slowly changing every last genetic and cell structure within his physiology, and I presumed it was because of this "animal" that was potentially let loose," said the doctor.
"Is he gonna be all right?" asked mom.
"It depends. We'll try our best to see if there are any efforts we could put up to, in the meantime, try and find what is he able and unable to eat after you arrive home," said the doctor.
Ever since then, I became highly aggressive nowadays. I couldn't eat any food, the headache never wore off, and I couldn't sleep due to my hunger. That night, while I was lying on my bed, I hugged my stomach while saliva all starts dripping out from my mouth.
"G-God, keep it together, John, you can do this, just wait till tomorrow, and the doctor would inform us of the results, and maybe we would get good news," I muttered.
"It's near," I said.
I got up and walked towards the window, seeing a man wearing a black mask walking towards the house with a crowbar. It was a burglar. He's attempting to break into our house, but I'm too hungry to even think of a way.
I need to do something.
I need to find a way to get rid of the burglar.
I haven't eaten anything in days.
I need to eat.
I must eat.
Otherwise, I would lose my whole sanity because of this.
I must eat the burglar.
I opened the door, slowly walked downstairs. I took a peek through the kitchen, seeing the robber picking up a kitchen knife and stealing away some of the foods in the fridge.
I'm about to regret my choice, but what choice do I have? I must eat, I have to! I'm starving like hell! I need food! I need to EAT THE BURGLAR!
I rushed forward and pulled the burglar away from the fridge.
"Shit!" the burglar attempts to flee, but I quickly grabbed them by the leg. The burglar took out the kitchen knife that they just took and stabs me on the head, I can see blood was dripping out from the injured, but I didn't feel the pain. I immediately pull down the burglar. I stood up, slowly pulled out the knife on my head, started to use it, and cut open the burglar's body. I began to pull their organs and consume them as my life depends on them. While I was consuming their flesh and organs, I felt immense satisfaction, the only question I had in mind now.
"Is this now what I can eat? Human flesh?" I wondered.
However, I suddenly stopped when the kitchen's lights turned on. I turned around to see my mom standing and looking at me in horror.
She screams and runs away. I stood up and tried to stop her, but it was too late. She went upstairs to get dad.
"Why did she do that?" I wonder.
I look at my hands. I was shocked by what I see right now. My hands have grown sharp fingernails, animal-types, my skin turned dark-greenish, and I can feel as if my teeth were pointier than before.
When I heard the footsteps of dad coming downstairs, I've immediately fled out of the home.
Afterward, a few days have passed since I was wandering around the alleyway of New York City. I happen to walk past a missing children's poster. I turned and look, finding me also being put there, mom and dad are probably really worried about me, but I can't go home, not until I find a way to get rid of this deformity.
I suddenly have a thought in my mind, what if this isn't a deformity? What if it is cursed? I was bitten by a creature that resembled the person I have been friends with for two years ago.
I stopped by a library, hoping to find something to help me understand what the heck is happening. When I walk into it, the librarian stares at me.
"No worries, this is just a costume I've created for a cosplay contest," I said.
The librarian didn't say anything but walks off with some returned books. I looked over all the bookshelves, and I know this is going to take forever. But then, I came to find the librarian and asked her whether she knows the section containing books about ancient folklore tales, demons, myths, and gods.
She led me to the sections of the books I've been finding, where I started to see a brilliant book.
"Huh?" I said.
I got a feeling that somehow I felt like my pair of eyes told me the book is the one to answer all my questions. When the librarian left, I wondered, if I am no longer human but something else, is it possible I have supernatural powers?
I raise my hand attempted to move the book, and shocked, it worked. The book moved from its position and started to move forward at my hand.
"Woah," I said.
I sat down and started to turn the pages until I found the right one.
"Huh? Why is the title only said "him"? What is this?" I asked.
I read and began to understand clearly about this demonic being.
"him" is a sinister being who was a part of a faction known as the Seven Anti-Gods, a group of Transfictional beings responsible for destroying countless realms they come across.
"him" was one of the strongest next to his leader, Thor'alus. However, it is mentioned in the folklore that there are the enemies of the Seven Anti-Gods, the Seven Monotheistic Angels, the ones who raise and stops their havoc, the two faction breaks into a fight until the Anti-Gods are all weakened, in the end, the Monotheistic Angels sealed the demonic-beings inside of separate universes having their Transfictional powers being taken away and was given only apparent unlimited power.
They were sealed within the prison and couldn't leave. Still, they would usually expand their influences by making the humans on the mortal realms summon them. "him" is now known to roam the mortal's domain and gets into as many love affairs with many beautiful women. However, it is said that he can't get anyone pregnant unless if he wants to. And "him" does this because he knows that his next generation would carry out his goals of destroying every last world in the entire existence.
I couldn't believe it. Was Natalie the next generation of this demonic being? But, I thought she says her father left her and her mother because he had a love affair with another woman? Just what's going on? That still doesn't explain to me how I became like this.
I later noticed another page I've yet written. It is about the offspring of "him." I looked at the page and now learns the truth about who Natalie is now.
I read the whole thing, and that's when I noticed it. If an Anti-God potentially has offspring, the child shall grow up and inherit their power and knowledge. Along with this, it noted that those who were bitten by the offspring would become their demonic slaves, and their masters gifted them, the demonic slaves, with nearly supreme powers. They would live to be gods among all but must note they are underlings of their masters.
The rest of the page has written that demonic slaves, to ensure that their chances of protecting the master from any threats are successful, would be given a limited time of hunger, in which they are forced to hunt down any beings with supernatural force displaying from them, the more potent, and darker the supernatural power is, the stronger the demonic slaves are, but still weak to their masters in the end. Humans are also included, but the demonic slaves won't gain anything from them.
I am Natalie's slave...she owns me as her property, even though I have no idea where she is.
What am I going to do now?
How or where am I going to find the person to dispel this curse?
Where would I live now?
I stayed silent, returned the book to its shelf, and walked out of the library while it was raining at midnight. I looked up.
"Guess life is very unfair with me," I said.
I wore on my hoodie and walked off into the darkness of the rainy streets.
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EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:33, 31 May 2021 (UTC)
Using the list of issues I pointed out on your previous stories, there are issues with: awkward wording, capitalization (capitalization missing from proper nouns, mis-capitalized words, and the start of sentences), tense shifting (you frequently shift from past tense to present and back), and plot (mainly involving the story's: pacing, descriptive elements, and plot itself).
Awkward wording: Here are a few instances of awkward wording. "I have been living with my parents in a suburban house for a couple of years now, that time I was ten years old.", "I wore on my hoodie and walked off into the darkness of the rainy streets.", "Of course, my parents and I got into an argument, finding that I was too addicted and lost my privileges to use any devices except television.", "As days pass by, comic books, toys would be bored, so they have no other options but to let me use devices once more", "I find interested, so I stopped by to greet her.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself to try and catch some of these instances as there are a lot here.
Capitalization: You tend to mis-capitalize words. "I was no longer at the same Park (park) that I've taken Natalie to", ""him" ("Him") is a sinister being who was a part of a faction known as the Seven Anti-Gods", "a group of Transfictional (transfictional) beings responsible for destroying countless realms they come across.", ""him" ("Him") was one of the strongest next to his leader", "the demonic-beings inside of separate universes having their Transfictional (transfictional) powers being taken away and was given only apparent unlimited power.", etc.
Tense shifting: You frequently shift tenses. Your story should be in past tense as the protagonist is recalling these events. "the burglar attempts (attempted) to flee, but I quickly grabbed them by the leg.", "The burglar took out the kitchen knife that they just took and stabs (stabbed) me on (in) the head", "She screams (screamed) and runs away.", etc. Actions/verbs should be in past tense as the protagonist is re-telling a story that happened to them.
Plot: Pacing. Your story (especially the latter half) feels very rushed and glosses over key plot points. For example: "I asked her what was going on, she told me that Natalie caught a disease, and just this morning, her mother has called the ambulance, and she was transferred to the hospital." (this is told passively and really should be more built-up in the story.), "I began to have nightmares of me still being sent to that hellish wasteland. The figure kept on talking to me about things that don't make any sense." (This would be better if these events were actually written out and described rather than being mentioned in passing.), and the protagonist's transformation from an average boy to a cannibalistic monster happens suddenly and needs more build-up.
Plot issues cont.: The doctor's diagnosis feels out-of-place in the story. "Well then, I would gladly explain. Your son suffers from a type of deformity that is slowly changing every last genetic and cell structure within his physiology, and I presumed it was because of this "animal" that was potentially let loose," said the doctor.
Descriptive elements: A lot of your descriptions are pretty bland/non-descript. "It was a girl, no, a thing, it had two black horns on its head, it has half of its skin as Caucasian, but the rest are all black.", "I turned around, seeing the creature walking towards me while opening its mouth, revealing a pack of sharp-pointy teeth", "My hands have grown sharp fingernails, animal-types, my skin turned dark-greenish, and I can feel as if my teeth were pointier than before."
Awkward dialogue: A lot of your dialogue comes off as unnatural (i.e. clunky and/or isn't how a child would speak). "I don't go to school. I just stayed home like what mom told me. She doesn't want me to be in places that are crowded, well, for not-so-known reasons", "Wait, but weren't parents supposed to leave their children being watch over by someone?", ""Oh, we pay you a visit, silly", etc.
Conclusion: I'm sorry, but the issues I pointed out on your talk page are still present here. This story currently doesn't meet our quality standards and is going to need a complete revision because a lot of the issues present in your story are tied to the plot itself. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:33, 31 May 2021 (UTC)