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I’m your usual high school graduate, has a minimum wage job, which every cent I get from goes to my college tuition. I could’ve already been there, maybe already had a degree; only if my crummy dad didn’t have a gambling problem, that is. I wanted to play Terraria again, I was craving it, however my 3ds cartridge broke last week, making my only escape from my horrible reality closed off.

I tried to fight off my urge to play it as i couldn't afford anything, everything went to either college or dad's bets. I couldn’t fight it off. The craving for an escape became a need. Terraria was my favorite game, and I play it to escape my life struggles and problems. I went to the game stop near my mom’s house, HOPING there was a low priced cartridge, which there was. 5 DOLLARS. I cried seeing that price. I deserved that price for the hell I’ve been through, seems like my hopes were fulfilled by god.

I should’ve seen that as a red flag, as no 3DS game is cheap, not to mention the logo had all eyes ripped off it: Retinazor, Spazmatism, the player’s eyes, practically all eyes; whether in head or not, were gone from the logo. I didn’t pay ANY attention to it. I just thought the reason it’s cheap was because of the other red flag, the logo. I just thought they made it cheap because of the damages.

I grabbed it off the shelves faster than the Flash could run an inch. I purchased it without a second thought, went home, and went to play it. I cried tears of happiness just hearing the title screen music start up. However, I noticed something off when creating my character.. There was already one, named: “Eyeless” . I decided to check it out before deleting it, because I always loved seeing other people’s progress; especially when I’m better. It makes me feel powerful.

I tried and tried, but it wouldn’t let me play on that character. It would say things like: “No.” “Make your own.” “I am not yours to control.” and it also said only once “I’m watching you.” Then deleted itself.. Weird. However, I shook it off soon, and made a new character.. I couldn’t choose the eye color or name.. But other than that, it seemed identical.

The name set itself to “Eyeless” as well.. Which I didn't really enjoy, as I always named my characters more happy, funny things. However, curiosity got to me, and I just HAD to explore more. So much was different, but the main thing different about this hacked game, was the lack of eyes; and a permanent blindness debuff.

This was a big deal. A good amount of bosses NEEDED for progression were eyes.. Not to mention I needed lenses. This game seemed to know that, thankfully. The Eye of Cthulhu just gave me his drops, but refused to spawn him again. The merchant sold lenses. The Eater of worlds just had no eyes, I wonder what The Brain of Cthulhu would be like every day.

And the jungle just grew restless without killing the Twins, Weird. The NPCs always had strange text, about their eyes gone, sobbing, and even death threats saying I did this, even though I didn’t. Everything was strange, until I went to fight Ocram. I had fond memories of fighting him, and now I had to see a horror form of him. I didn’t want to, but I had to kill him.

He was very different from the other bosses in this hacked copy, he had MORE eyes than usual. His health wouldn’t deplenish. It healed back as soon as I hurt him. I couldn’t delay the inevitable, and lost. I hadn’t died any time in this world. However, it wasn’t over yet. He tried talking to me. He offered to pay my college tuition in exchange for a family member’s eyes.

… I knew what I would do. I hated my dad for how he ruined my future. I offered him my dad's eyes for a college education. Before I finished saying the word education, the cartridge broke, and my dad was dead on the floor, along with alot of money, labelled "<myname>'s college.". Ever since that night, I’ve woken up with pain in my eyes.

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Beetle bub (talk) 09:27, 21 January 2023 (UTC)[]

I believe you have struck on an interesting and disturbing idea, the notion of an overworked university student offered free education in exchange for murder. That is a pretty original idea which hasn't been explored enough in my opinion and which this story could be a great demonstrator of. However, this story will need serious re-writes before it is ready.

First off, you should probably change the game from Terraria to something fictional. The wiki dislikes named media in stories, and the game being Terraria doesn't seem necessary to the plot.

Second off, you need to read back through your work and weed out pronunciation mistakes. For instance, you write 3ds and then 3DS. That kind of inconsistency can take readers out of a story.

Thirdly, you need to rephrase many of your sentences. The sentence where you describe the initial cartridge breaking is great example of this. You wrote "making my only escape from my horrible reality closed off." Like most writing, this sentence is more effective when it condensed. In this case "closing off my only escape from reality." The use of the word "horrible" as well, is redundant. We should know from the way the narrator describes their life, that they believe their reality is horrible. Having them say it multiple times makes them sound whiny and immature (if that's your intent, that's okay too, but there are better ways to express their emotions too).

Fourthly, I would recommend re-writing the intro. The intro comes across a little like someone trying to point out the cliches before they get accused of them. Better to focus on the game, describe how this person loved this game and why they loved it so much and why it allowed such an escape.

Fifthly, you need to slow down. The story jumps way too fast through the "Eyeless" character screen bit to the rest. If the intention of the story is that the owner of this 5-dollar cartridge is going crazy and considering murdering their father, that's something that needs to be built up to. Embellish the details, talk about the stresses in their life building and the lack of support that they have. Maybe even have a scene where the narrator interacts with the father, rather than just talking about how bad he is. Or at the very least emphasize how bad he is with more than just passing narration, that way we as the audience are going on a similar emotional journey to the narrator.

Good luck to you and keep seeking feedback! Your ideas are great, you just need to work hard and polish them!