Creepypasta Wiki
Advertisement
Forums: Index > Writers' Workshop > Grandmother Della


Grandmother Della[]

"Oh please, Grandmother Della, just one more!"

Grandmother Della chuckled at the two children crouched at her feet, staring eagerly at her. The fire crackled nearby, and Grandmother Della put another log onto the flames. "Oh no, little ones. Your mother and father will not be happy to find you still up when they get back from their date," she smiled, kissing them both on the head. The eyes of her grandson filled with desire, and his sister looked like she was about to burst into tears.

"Please? A scary one!"

Grandmother Della considered her grandchildren, then smiled widely. "Oh, fine!"

Excitedly the two children scrambled and clutched the feet of their grandmother, quivering with anticipation for their story while their grandmother filled her cup with tea and sipped on it. The warmth of the fire made her hot, and she plucked the children up, setting her granddaughter on her knee and her grandson in her lap as she began.

"Many, many years ago, there was a family of ten living in this very house. Two parents and eight children. They were very happy, and the parents loved their children more than they loved each other," said Grandmother Della, stroking their chins. "But what the parents were not aware of, was the fact that their children were not truly children, but demons sent from hell to torture them and feed off their emotions."

"Demons?" gasped Grandmother Della's granddaughter wonderingly, her brown eyes becoming the size of the moon. Grandmother Della nodded, ruffling her hair.

"The children began in small ways. Putting toothpaste in their food, throwing their clothes in the dirt, that sort of thing," explained Grandmother Della, kissing her grandchildren. "But soon, it began getting worse. They would throw tantrums and hit them, but because the parents loved them too much, they never put them up for adoption. One day, the house became silent, and the children disappeared, along with their parents. I believe there is another part to the story, but I sadly can't remember it."

The two children gawped at their grandmother. It seemed they regretted asking. Grandmother Della shook herself and carried them up the stairs, to their bedroom.

"Sleep tight," she cooed, kissing them one last time. They said goodnight, and snuggled into their blankets as Grandmother Della flicked off the light and shut the door.

It wasn't her fault she'd forgotten the last part of the story.

After all, it can be hard to remember your childhood.



Leave Feedback[]

Close the space between the four tildes in the box and hit the "Leave Feedback" button to begin your comment.



Tewahway (Talk) 16:02, 13 January 2023 (UTC)[]

Howdy there, I've finally arrived to provide that promised feedback...

I'll begin with the flaws I found, which for the most part, were all technical.


There are a few cases of awkwardly worded sentences, such as "The eyes of her grandson filled with begging..." Filled with begging is a kind of weird way to put it. Maybe you could say something like The eyes of her grandson filled with desire, as he pleaded...


I noticed a bit of a common spelling mistake, nothing huge, but the line: "...more then they..." Then = a point in time / something happening consecutively ("My eyesight was better, back then." or "The sun went down, then the monsters awoke..."). Than is comparing two things ("Billy has more tortellini than I do!").


This point in the story:

"The children began in small ways; putting toothpaste in their food, putting their clothes in the dirt, that sort of thing," explained Grandmother Della, kissing her grandchildren.

"But soon, it began getting worse. They would throw tantrums and hit them, but because the parents loved them too much, they never put them up for adoption. One day, the house became silent, and the children disappeared, along with their parents. I believe there is another part to the story, but I sadly can't remember it."

Can easily be one paragraph, as the speaker does not change. Not a huge problem, by any means, but it would be a little bit more obvious to the reader that the speaker is the same, if there was no line break.

Additionally, the semicolon doesn't really work there. A semicolon should be used to link two independent clauses that are connected, such as "I pooped myself on my way home from school; I need to change my underwear." In this case, the semicolon takes the place of a connecting word such as "therefore." A semicolon may also be used to separate sub-lists in a greater list, but that's neither a common nor necessary use.

In this case, using a colon to denote a list could work, but it would be more than fine to simply use a period.

Fixed up, the two paragraphs could look something like this:

"The children began in small ways. Putting toothpaste in their food, putting their clothes in the dirt, that sort of thing," explained Grandmother Della, kissing her grandchildren. "But soon, it began getting worse. They would throw tantrums and hit them, but because the parents loved them too much, they never put them up for adoption. One day, the house became silent, and the children disappeared, along with their parents. I believe there is another part to the story, but I sadly can't remember it."


Moving on to the plot itself, I actually quite enjoyed the ending. I can't help but feel as though this could use a little bit more detail; the story needs more fleshing out. But you don't need to make the plot itself any longer.

While reading, I thought to myself "What kinda grandmother is so ready to tell horror stories to children before their bedtime?" I had my suspicions, but the truth was subtle enough to not be blatant.

Another thing I like, is that there's the implied over-arching theme of her development as a malefic demon. Moving from obnoxious and rude pranks, to actual violence, and eventually (as she's become older and wizened) psychological terror.

Ultimately, I'd say this is the best piece of yours that I've read. With a little more polishing (fleshing out details, fixing awkward wording/spelling) it would be a good addition to this site.

Advertisement