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Hunger Pangs[]

"(draft)" In a solitary office we see a mustached man wearing a police uniform and a Commissioner badge, slowly drinking his coffee, as he looks out the window of the police station watching over his city as it is under the influence of a blood moon. All of a sudden the chief officer came knocking at the commissioners door.

“Excuse me sir, are you in there?” the Chief Officer asked as he knocked lightly on the glass pane of the commissioner’s door.

“Yes Chief I’m in here, please come in.” the Commissioner responded as he still looked out the window slowly drinking his warm cup of coffee.

“We’ve got a man who’s turned himself in saying he’s committed a very terrible crime. It’s strange, it’s like he is almost at war with himself…” the Chief said after opening the door as he stood in the doorway.

“Let me tell you something Chief…” the Commissioner sighed as he put his coffee cup on the table turning to the chief with a face that could only be described as regret.

“Today is my little girls birthday… I was supposed to be at home, but when it comes to blood moons… you might as well consider me a fish on dry land after being reeled in.” the commissioner sighed out in annoyance as he sat down in his office chair.

“Oh, my condolences sir, how old is your little girl?” the chief asked as he took his hat off and held it to his chest trying to be respectful.

“She just turned seven years old chief… but by God I’d do anything for her…” the commissioner said with a chuckled as he slightly smiled while reaching his hand out for his cup of coffee taking a sip then putting it down.

Down the hall is the sound of handcuffs rattling coming closer and closer, followed by loud footsteps and a tall, skinny and pale figure wearing a sharp white tux passed by the door as it growled lightly. It looked down at the floor while walking. It then seemed to snap at itself.

“Cut it out would you?!” The figure said out-loud to itself as its head quickly tilted left, then quickly to the right to put its head back in the center which make its neck pop loudly. Two policemen escort it to the interrogation room.

“Is that him Chief?” The Commissioner asked as he stood up from his chair.

“Yes Commissioner, that’s him sir.” The Chief replied in a very serious tone with a face of concern as he got out of the door way so the commissioner could get through it.

“Let’s get this over with, but if you don't mind I’m going to interrogate him Chief.” The Commissioner grunted as he walked out into the hallway, taking a left.

“I don’t mind at all sir, but I should warn you Commissioner, he seems like he fights with himself a lot.” The chief commented calmly as he and the commissioner walked down to the interrogation room.

“I could see that. See you in a few Chief.” The Commissioner said as he opened the door. The figure’s neck popped as it looked to the door letting out a slight snarl as saliva came out of its mouth.

“Quit that now!” the figure snapped as its self as it turned its head quickly to its left then slowly turning back to now see the commissioner sitting in a wooden chair across the table in front of him.

“Im gonna assume that you have Dissociative Identity Disorder. aI can’t tell if you have eyes or not, I’m going to assume you can see me.” The commissioner said as he pushed his glasses back up slightly leaning in a little to get a good look at the figure.

“Yes I can see you, and yes I do have the disorder… my personalities and I don’t get along at all.” The figure said in a friendly tone turning his head slightly to its left looking down in guilt.

“You need to shut up wimp!” The figure shouted out to its self in a guttural deep toned growl as its head jolted right to face the wall and growled.

“No! I will no longer be quiet, not after what you did.” The figure said in its friendly tone when its head jolted left.

“Now now ladies! You’re both pretty so why don't you stop fighting!” The Commissioner shouted jokingly as he lifted his hand up. And the figure looked right at him and lightly growled.

“Quit that now!” the figure said to its self in its friendly tone slightly turning his head left then looking back to the commissioner with a frown on its face.

“Now if you don't mind me asking, what is your name, and what did you do?” The Commissioner asked politely as he scooted closer to the table, crossing his arms and putting them on the table.

The figure chuckled in a deep guttural tone turning its head right as it brought its head up to sharply look down at the commissioner keeping its head slightly turned to the right as its mouth widened with a menacing sharp toothed grin.

“I assume you eat meat Commissioner. I did what I had to for survival.” the figure widened its grin and snarled as it slightly chuckled while saliva dripped from its teeth.

“Quit it, we killed a person, that's illegal, its a crime and we need to pay for it!” the figure told its self in its friendly tone turning its head left very sharply.

“Says who wimp? We would've died from starvation if I didn’t do it!” the figure shouted out in a deep guttural tone sharply turning it head right slowly looking toward the commissioner keeping its head slightly tilted right.

“I now love the taste of flesh, I’d say its quite delicious, the perfect blend of different flavors all mixed together in a single body.” The figure growled out widening its grin and a lot of saliva came out of its mouth and dripped from its sharp teeth.

The figure started to stand and as it did the light above them flickered rapidly and it coughed out a ton of blood from its mouth and wiped its lips as it smiled.

“There's no more nice guy to protect you now… I killed him, and now I’m free to do whatever I want!” the figure said while centering his head and a fully wide grin growling out viciously. Then the Commissioner jolted out of the wooden chair ready to run.

“I’m hungry for more flesh!” the figure screeched out as it broke the cuffs off its wrists and somehow cutting off the power with a high pitched screech and a low guttural growl.

“What the fuck!” the Commissioner cursed out patting around on his light leather jacket for his flashlight, later pulling out his gun instead.

“No not this, I didn't want this!” the Commissioner mutter to himself then adding, “wait actually doesn't this thing have a..” The commissioner cut himself off after finding the flashlight option on his pistol.

“That's better!” The commissioner muttered out pointing the gun out in front of him to see if the figure is still there, but its completely gone and no trace of it left from the spot it used to be in.

“Shit, God fucking damn it!” The Commissioner cursed out in anger as he shook the light around scanning the entire room for any sign of the figure. A blood curling scream followed by a terrified yell is heard out in the hallway.

“What the fuck?!” cursed the Commissioner as he shined his light on the door to find the handle. He found it, and reached for it. The door creaked as it opened as there was screams of pain down the hall.

The Commissioner speedily walked down the hall holding out his pistol checking behind him from time to time. He stopped when he saw a body of a police officer face down on the floor in a pool of blood missing a huge chunk of their head, and a broken bone sticking out of a bite mark body, as his guts were torn in half and spread all over the floor.

“J-Jesus fucking Christ-…” the Commissioner gagged out in disgust, trying his best to not throw up as he saw the horrific scene left on the floor.

A loud boom followed by buzzing was heard at the other end of the hall making the Commissioner turn around, pointing his gun. Down the hallway, is the figure himself standing there not moving with its wide sharp toothed grin.

“What the hell are you?!” the Commissioner screamed out in fear. The light went out. It turns back on, revealing the figure holding the Chief up in the air by his head with one hand.

“Please help me!” the Chief cried out in tears as he tries to free him self from the tightening grip of the figure. The figure reached with his other hand grabbing the lower half of the chief as the chief whimpered in fear. The figure quickly ripped the Chief in half letting the guts spill out of the Chief as it bit off the shoulder. The lights quickly turned off with a loud boom plunging the hallway into darkness. Screams of agony is heard from the Chief, then silence.

“Shit…” the Commissioner whimpered out in fear as a tear rolled down his face. He slowly backed away heading towards the exit door. Another loud bang at the end of the hallway as a light turned on.

“Stay away from me!” the Commissioner screamed out in fear as he shot a bullet from his pistol at the figure. The figure let out a screech of hunger that quickly turned to a screech of pain as the bullet went through its shoulder. The figure quickly turned its head to the Commissioner and screamed out a high pitched screech then a hiss and a low guttural growl. The light went out with a loud boom after the figure backed out of it to take cover.

The Commissioner turned around in hopes to find an exit sign but instead now behind him was the figure as it quickly grabbed him and restrained the Commissioner in a single hand and lifted him off the ground.

“Now Commissioner… Do you have a family?” the figure growled out in a deep tone smiling as saliva and blood dripped from its sharp teeth.

“You leave my fucking family out of this you sick fuck!” the Commissioner cursed out as he spat onto the figure.

“Now now Commissioner, I'm the one in power here, so I'm gonna ask you one last time… do you have a family? How you answer will determine if you live or not.” the figure smiled with an evil grin as it growls.

“Yes I do, are you fucking happy now?… God save my soul…” the Commissioner cried out in tears while in fear for his life as he closed his eyes preparing for the worst as he listened to the growl of the figure as it tried to figure out its decision until its belly growled.

“I hope they give you a good funeral Commissioner.” the figure growled out grabbing the Commissioners head then his lower half.

“W-wait what-…” the Commissioner stuttered out until he was ripped in half viciously by the figure making blood go all over the place. The figure tossed the torn body to the ground and started to eat it like a wild dog. The lights flicker all over the building as the figure stood straight up and disappeared without a trace, the lights still flickering. The lights stop flickering and are now fully shining through the entire building to reveal the bloody and horrific scene that it left behind.


(Lilletheundead (talk) 18:14, 7 September 2023 (UTC))


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Macciata (talk) 01:02, 8 September 2023 (UTC)[]

I'm sorry dear, but it won't do you any good to sugar-coat it: this is far, far below the quality standards of this site. In fact -- and I mean this in a genuine technical sense, not as an insult -- this is not written to the level expected from a student in the fourth grade. Until your skill at the basics is developed, it will be useless to address the actual content of your work.

If your desire is to be a writer, you must be prepared to work. A lot.

You must read. A lot. Read fiction from good writers -- if you don't know who is a good writer, ask a librarian. Read textbooks on grammar, composition and other basic principles, even if you have to begin at a very elementary level. If you don't know where to start, ask a librarian. Personally, I know of no better place to start than Stephen King, who is a grand champion master of words, has written a considerable amount about how to write as well, and whose catalog includes things suitable for a range of age levels.

If you don't love to read, you must either learn to love it, or you will never be a writer. A writer who doesn't read is like a chef who doesn't eat. You cannot produce quality if you don't know what quality looks like.

You must practice. A lot. As it happens, although Creepypasta Wiki is for many reasons not the ideal place for practice, posting things to the Workshop and politely asking for review and advice is a viable option -- but you must be prepared for the responses to be strict, unforgiving and sometimes rather harsh. This wiki is not the shallow end. Honestly, I'm not really sure where the best place for gentle but useful writing support is. I do know that there are a lot of sites where people will praise any damn thing and don't even know what a quality standard is (or outright detest even the concept), but although this may be comforting, it's not practice in any meaningful sense, any more than sitting in an armchair imagining a gym will ever help you get fit.

Anyway, point is, much like a gym exercise, the more you use your writing muscles -- against as much tension as you can handle -- the better you will get. If you wish to practice and develop here, I have two major points of advice:

  • Before responding to any criticism, stop -- just disengage, do not touch your keyboard, stand up and move physically away from the screen if you must -- and consider, seriously, the possibility that it may be accurate. A lot can just be thrown away -- attacks on you as a person are worthless, statements based on personal taste alone (such as the ever-popular "this isn't scary") aren't actually criticism, and sometimes people are just flinging shit* -- but do be willing to look for useful bits. Too many users around here assume always that what they've done is perfect and anyone who thinks otherwise must be jealous or stupid. Don't be that person.
  • This is a point I would really, really, really like to tattoo on the foreheads of some of our more stubborn not-learners: when your work has been criticized, DO NOT throw it away and come back with an entirely different story. Assuming it's not about a blacklisted subject, the content of the post is almost never the problem, but the execution. More specifically to you, what I mean is that although I've given this current draft a very poor report card, I'd rather you try to improve "Hunger Pangs" -- even if it takes a very long time and many drafts -- rather than to discard it and start throwing one story after another at the wall, hoping that one will be The Perfect Idea and its aura of wonder will catalyze all the technical details into a glittering eternal crystal of perfection.

Do note that by using the Workshop, rather than immediately sticking your draft up as a story page (which would absolutely have been deleted right away) you're already far ahead of many first-timers, which is why I've bothered giving you this extended little essay. I've been stung before by wasting time doing this sort of thing for users who've turned out to be uninterested in learning: people who don't want to be good writers, but just want to be treated as if they were good writers -- who want, in short, to be surrounded by others who ooh and ahh over their runny-shit diapers, so they'll never need to learn how to use the grown-up potty.

I really hope I haven't stepped into another diaper pile. There's so much else I could have been doing with my time today.

So, here's my challenge to you: I will not answer any questions, respond in any way, or even bother to read anything you put anywhere on this site until I see a draft of "Hunger Pangs" with correct punctuation. Everything else about it -- grammar, sentence structure, tenses, overall story -- all that can wait. Just take the one small step of correcting the punctuation.

You have a huge chunk of all human knowledge at your fingertips, and all the time you need. You can even ask anyone you like for help, except me. Use those resources to make the punctuation in your draft right, and then we can discuss the next step.

Or you can decide that it's all too hard, or that I'm a dumb old lady who doesn't know what she's talking about**, and you shall hear never another word from me. So be it.

But I really would rather see you try to snatch this pebble from my hand.




* Of course I would never...
** This too, in theory, is possible, hypothetically.

This is very intriguing.[]

This story idea is very intriguing and interesting crazy what you can make up if you just put your mind to it. Keep up the good work mate .G

stay away from ableist cliches.[]

general quality issues aside, this is absolutely not how DID works. you're already painting it as an inhuman demonic creature, you don't need to apply human mental illnesses to it. that doesn't make it scarier, it just makes it ableist.

Charcolor (talk) 22:05, 21 October 2023 (UTC)

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