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By Trainer Gold's Persona Quick note: This Pasta is mildly disturbing and may trigger some readers

My name is Phoenix Toll and I'm a 7th-grade student. I'm an all-a student also and I'm an introvert that looks down on people who aren't smart. My school life is good but, I always get teased but I don't care anymore about that crap. My teacher, Mr.Hawk, is very cool and he understands me a lot and he knows everything about me. He knows about what happened to me when I was 8.

When I was 8 I was living with my dad and he always got drunk on beer while watching sports 24/7. I hated him but I had no control over it, unfortunately. One day, I saw him with his girlfriend and when they were going into their room, my dad smashed her in the head with a beer bottle. I saw it then I tried to walk as quietly as I could to my room but, he heard me and he ran up to me with the bottle in the air. I got hit multiple times but I can't remember how many, I know it was over 10 once I went unconscious. His verdict was not guilty even though I still remembered when he hit his girlfriend. I was mad ever since and still am. When I saw 12, I saw my dad with my mom outside and I overheard a conversation going on.

"Laura you need to take this damn kid! He is a boring son of a bitch! He never wants to have fun but, he wants to study! Who likes studying!?" My dad yelled. "Well, Mark, some people are born to be smart people that want to be successful instead of being a drunk face bastard!" My mom yelled. My dad slapped her. I knew what would happen if I went out there. But, I couldn't help it.

"Dad! Get your hands off of her you little shit!" I yelled. My dad turned and he said the words that changed me forever. "Listen here you mistake, you weren't even supposed to be born but look you are! And now you want to fuck with me!? A king!?" My dad said.

"I-I-I was a mistake? Anyway, my mom still shows care for me unlike you! So guess what, I'm going with my mom!" I yelled. I punched my dad in his balls and then walked into my mom's car.

Now I'm 13 and I'm with my mom whom I love the most.

Today was the day that the world changed before my eyes and here is where the story truly begins.


It was a Sunday morning when this happened and this is the day when I went to my friend Kioshi's house. I and him met when we were 10. He saved me when I was about to get beat up by some kids that wanted my lunch. He barely talks to anyone, just like me. I have a crush on him but I know that he's straight and I'm bisexual and he knows that which is good. Anyhow, I grabbed my Nintendo Switch and grabbed Breath of The Wild since we were having a contest on who can 100% the game first.

"Mom, I'm going to Kioshi's house!" I said.

"Alright, come back before dark!" My mom said.

I went out the door and went to his house which was just a mile away. I knocked on the door and waited. It took him longer than usual. I knocked again. Nothing. I knocked again. Nothing.

"Hi!" Kioshi yelled. I was startled. "Holy shit bro, you scared me!" I said.

"You fell for the prank," Kioshi said. "Come in."

We went upstairs into his room and he turned his tv on for some background sound. We were playing breath of the wild of hours until we heard the smoke alarm come on. Kioshi jumped up to check downstairs and he screamed.

"Phoenix!" Kioshi yelled. I ran downstairs and I saw a humongous fire in the kitchen. We ran out of the house but Kioshi went back in to get our Nintendos. I was confident in him so I waited.

The firemen were here now after a few minutes. They ran in there to check if anyone else was in there and they were shooting water at the house. I was still waiting for Kioshi.

After an hour, they came out with Kioshi. Dead. I fell to my knees and put my hands over my eyes and started crying. He was burnt and grey. He was just flesh and bones. I got back up and ran into the house but, someone grabbed me. It was some kind of entity made from fire.

He said it was for the best. Then, he went inside my body and I felt like I was about to pass out. And I did.

I woke up in a hospital and I saw my mom and Kioshi's mom. Oh dear, I'm screwed. I tried to sit up but when I did, a shock of pain went through my body. I lied back down and looked at them.

"I'm sorry... I should have stopped him," I said weakly. They weren't looking at me at all. They were probably disappointed in me for being so dumb. I didn't finish and I just went back to sleep until this girl came in. "Hi, I'm Asita and I'm going to be around with Phoenix from now on. If you guys have to talk to him then I'll go fo-" They got up and left. I was about to cry just seeing them leave like that. It's like I'm not worth shit. I stared at Asita and she closed the door and walked up to me. She was pretty. She had long blond hair, thin, and blue eyes. She wheres a black hoodie too.

"I'm sorry that you have too deal with this guilt." Asita said. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear her. "Yeah, it sucks. I couldn't save the friend that saved me," I started to cry. "I'm just worthless! He would have been alive! I should have died! Why? Why did he have to go?" "It's okay Phoenix, I understand how you feel," Asita said. "Wait, what?" I asked surprised. She looked out the window and started tracing the clouds and started talking about her life story. "When I was 11, my brother died because I didn't listen to him and I thought everything was just a game and that he was just being super realistic about the game. Next thing you know he gets stabbed a serial killer." I stared at her feeling bad for her. I put my hand over her hand that was resting on her knee. "Sorry for your lost." I said. "It's okay," Asita said.

I started getting dizzy then, I fell asleep.

                                                        Pyro and Hydro

I was in a room. A plain white room. I walked around in the halls for a while without finding an exit and once I found one everything turned black. I saw flames rushing into all the halls and the beam of fire barely missed me. I saw the same Pyro guy that went into my body walking towards me. I walked up to him and I still don’t know why but I did it anyway.

“Phoenix, you need to learn to endure pain because you’re about to experience a lot of pain.”

He showed me a picture of Kioshi, Asita, my mom, Kioshi’s mom, and Mr.Hawks hanging on chains with their flesh popping out of their stomachs. I was about to through up but, I grabbed the picture and ripped it apart. I know someone who can help.

What? It was a dream!? Asita was on the floor asleep. I feel bad that she wanted to stay around an unwanted child like me.

“PHOENIX!” It was my friend, Lefu. Lefu is a guy with a knack for beating up kids who get on his nerves. He even broke a kid's leg.

“Lefu!” I said excitedly.

He ran to my bed and stared at my bandages. He cringed and he started talking.

“So, um, once you’re able to get out of this place do you want to go to this abandoned factory?” Lefu asked.

I nodded.

“Why not?” He walked out of the place and once he closed the door I noticed a paper he put on the table. I grabbed it and it read:

Inferno. I know he’s in your body. I don’t know his targets, but you need to save the people who you think he’s targeted. - Lefu -

I have a clue on who he’s gonna kill from that picture Inferno showed me. I grabbed my phone and texted my mom.

Phoenix: Mom you need water. Lots of water. And lock your doors and don’t cook any or use anything that needs gas.

Mom: Why?

Phoenix: Just listen to me dammit!

Mom: Excuse me! Don’t be mad at me just because you’re stupid!


I couldn’t believe it. My mom is about to die. Asita woke up. She stood up and stretched and went out of the room. I knew what I was going to do! I’m gonna make sure everyone gets saved in an orderly fashion. The order of the picture was Kioshi, Asita, my mom, Kioshi’s mom, and Mr.Hawks. Wait I need to make sure Asita lives!!! I called Mr.Hawks to tell him what we needed to do.

“This is a code red!” I said. “What happened? Well I know what happened but what is it now?” I told him about the picture and the conversation with my mom and everything. He agreed to stay here overnight to make sure he could protect Asita.

“Hey and wen I come there that girl better not be taken!” Mr.Hawks said.

I laughed but I didn’t get it. Why would a 32-year-old want to date 13 year old? Eh, he’s joking. I hung up and I was finally able to sit up. Wow! This is amazing! Asita walked in and smiled.

“Here’s your food Nick!” She said. The nickname Nick? I like it. “Thanks, Sita!” I said. It was my breakfast. It was some golden, amazing, perfect scrambled eggs and juicy sausages. I destroyed it within a minute. She told me to slow down about 5 times but, I didn’t. I gave the tray to her and then she walked out to throw it away. I was thinking about something. If Inferno can go into people's bodies, does that mean he can possess people? If that’s so then he might be able to take over Hawks but, he wouldn’t want to take over a 32-year-old. I went back to sleep and had another dream.

“Kioshi look, it’s a firefighter!” “Cool…” Kioshi looked at me and he started turning into Pyro. “Do you want to be a firefighter, Phoenix?” I screamed and woke up. “Holy shit, Nick!” Asita said frighted.

I could barely breathe and my body felt extremely hot. I saw Mr.Hawks sitting by Asita. She looked uncomfortable with him so close to her. Every time she was scooting away, he got closer. I was getting a bad vibe from this. I eyed Hawks and he stopped and backed away.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Asita said.

When she walked out of the room, Hawks went out of the room too. I was scared and suddenly I went from 1000 degrees to -1000 degrees. I can’t believe I went down an entire 2000 integers. Heard a door violently open and slam. I knew who did that. I hopped out the bed despite the strain in my legs and ran out of the room into the women’s bathroom. Was paralyzed. Asita was decapitated and she was just bones with hardly any flesh hanging on to it. I grabbed her body and showed it to the staff.

I told them everything that happened and Mr.Hawks was arrested and was going to be put in prison for murder and other charges I’m not comfortable saying. Once I watch all that happen I went to my bed and cried myself asleep.

Asita, Kioshi, Mr.Hawks, Mom, and Kioshi’s mom are remaining. Today was the day I got out of the hospital. I went to the Detention Center to talk to Hawks. Hawks came in and we had a little talk. To summarize it he said this: “I did it because I just couldn’t keep myself away. She was just so beautiful I had to do it. She was resisting so I killed her. That’s her fault.” I’m mad that he raped someone. Oh, I said the word. Anyway, that doesn’t seem like him. I went to my mom’s house and it wasn’t the best visit.

“Why are you here?” My mom said enraged. “I’m here to keep you from dying,” I said. “Die from what? A demon?” She said I sighed and just gave her a lighter. “Thats a hint.” I said. I walked away and I rented a hotel to stay in. I didn’t want to keep Hawks safe after what he did.

“Phoenix,” Pyro said. “What?” I asked. “Your time is almost up. Since you don’t care about the last 3 then I’ll massacare your entire school.” No. I can’t let him do that. I ran to school and it was already being surrounded by a tornado of fire. I saw people's jaws detached, broken body parts, skulls, flesh, everything! And then the cops came and the fire was circling me and I killed them the same way Pyro killed the students. After that, I ran somewhere far.

It was night time and I was in Canada. I was on top of a building, watching for victims to kill. But, then once I was about to become a superhero I became a killer. I started attacking civilians randomly and burned all of Canada. I had to migrate to Georgia. After a few hours, I wasn’t in control anymore. INFERNO WAS. I watched as he turned the Earth into his own hell. It was all over now. I failed everyone. I couldn’t save everyone. It’s all over…

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ZuggyWuggy (talk) 12:17, 26 May 2022 (UTC)[]

Okay, the thing is, you have a passion for writing, but you don't have the patience or practice yet to progress a plot naturally.

Everything is very disjointed, with the plot progression being lightning fast without any coherency. It's just one thing happening after another extremely quickly, with no pause to let the reader enjoy a scene or soak up information. For example the scene where we first meet Kioshi, we almost immediately go from meeting him to him dying in a fire. There's no development whatsoever and it's just death for the sake of it, it's not impactful.

Also, this line baffled me.

"When I was 11, my brother died because I didn't listen to him and I thought everything was just a game and that he was just being super realistic about the game. Next thing you know he gets stabbed a serial killer."

What is an eleven year old going to realistically be able to do to stop a serial killer? The most she could do is go to the police, but I presume that he would have done so already, which would mean they likely were already investigating or didn't believe him. So why would they believe an eleven year old if they didn't believe him? The alternative is that for some reason he didn't even involve the police at all, which is even sillier.

There are a number of clichés that ruin the story because they're not scary and don't add anything to the plot. Your main scare factor is gore and death, and it's not done in an interesting way at all, it's just "let's describe a bunch of gory things very plainly to the reader". There's also the abusive father cliché, and the ending sounds eerily like an OC vehicle for some new Creepypasta supervillain.

Another thing to note is your overall attitude to writing. I appreciate that you take pride in your work and this might have taken you several hours, however your personal opinion of what's scary and what isn't is irrelevant, it's not about how scary it is, it's about how well executed your premise and writing techniques are. You can have a story that's not all that scary but still passes for horror, that excels in dialogue, descriptive elements, tone and execution.

There are also spelling and grammar errors throughout that could do with a thorough proofread to eliminate.

Take my advice, please, because otherwise you're going to get blocked eventually.

~~ ~~Thanks for the feedbackTrainer Gold's persona (talk) 13:38, 26 May 2022 (UTC)[]

Thanks for the feedback! I think I'll be able to redo the story to make it better than it was originally. This does need work and I was going to try something else. You're right, horror doesn't have to be scary. Thanks for letting that sink in. Since you read this and gave feedback I'll redo some things. If you want a Google doc to help me with the story ask for access and then you'll be able to help. Here's the link

Tewahway (Talk) 10:22, 28 May 2022 (UTC)[]

Hey, I read your pasta when you posted it to the wiki, and gave it a thorough review once it was removed. I'm sure if you've seen it, but I left the review on your talk page. You can find it in the collapsible, listed as [Open] here at this link.