KittySparkle93's Livestream[]
[𝙺𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚢𝚂𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚕𝚎𝟿𝟹] 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙴𝙳 𝙰 𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙼.
. . .
[𝚂𝙸𝚇𝙵𝙴𝙴𝚃_𝚃𝙾𝙾𝙳𝙴𝙴𝙿] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
[𝚒𝚊𝚖𝟸𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚕𝟺𝚞] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
SIXFEET_TOODEEP : ???
SIXFEET_TOODEEP : wtf
[𝙺𝚛𝚙𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚒𝚜] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
[𝚅𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚔] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
[𝚅𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚔] 𝙻𝙴𝙵𝚃.
In the live stream there was a man, probably around his late 20's, focusing on his other computer. He was in a dark room, his two computers being his only source of light. He paid no attention to the users who were joining or leaving. The livestream was quiet, the only sounds being heard was the clicking of his keyboard as he typed away.
Finally, he opened a can of soda and looked directly at the camera. "Y'all really thought I was some 'uwu kawaii e-girl' huh? Heh, get cat-fished dumbasses." He laughed before he took a sip of his diet coke, "You guys are all pathetic."
[𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚜𝟺𝚂𝚘𝚙𝚑𝚒𝚊] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
Hearts4Sophia : wait huh
[𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚗] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
[𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚕] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
[𝚇𝚡𝙻𝚒𝚕_𝙸𝚌𝚢𝚡𝚇] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
"Look at all these horny men joining." KittySparkle93 skimmed the screen, "Sorry to break it to you fellas, but I'm not an e-girl."
iam2cool4u : bro...
SIXFEET_TOODEEP : ur weird asf man change ur user
He reads the comments with a smile plastered on his face, "Don't tell me to change my damn user because you were caught in 4k, you're fucking weird for watching e-girl streams." He took another sip of the diet coke, "Plus, I gotta wait a year to be able to change my user. I don't know why that's even a rule but yeah, too bad."
XxLil_IcyxX : nah...
Personavion : bro cat-fished us
[𝙱𝚒𝚐𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚎𝟷𝟸𝟹] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
Krpliseis : Honestly I only joined to troll around but I was not expecting you to be on screen
"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say...Krisplies? Kirplilis? Uh, whatever your name is. You're probably just as guilty." KittySparkle93 stretched this arms, "I'm soo tired, it's like 3 AM over here."
Wariel : Then go to bed
iam2cool4u : go to sleep brah
Kitty shook his head, "Nuh uh. Well, not yet at least. I want to finish this new game I recently bought." He picked up the CD and showed it to the camera, the game was currently very popular in the gaming industry so the viewers knew about it. Popular gamers were not close to completing the game, they're far behind due to delay for the release.
"I'm on the last stage before I complete the whole game but I found out a few minutes ago that it's a bit long. Thankfully, I came prepared." Kitty placed three cups of noodles on his desk, "Noooodles!"
New users continued to join the stream. Some left after expecting a girl with a girly setup but most of them stayed after noticing the man's and chaotic persona. Half of the users even invited their friends to watch the stream after finding out that the man was about to complete the game.
Personavion : good luck man i heard it's hard to complete
chiklittle492 : fav streamer hasn't finished it yet so ig I'll stay and watch
XxLil_IcyxX : imagine still buying game cds
XxLil_IcyxX : bro is ancient
"Man, shut the fuck up Lil Icy!" Kitty yelled into the camera, "Are your balls lil too? Icy perhaps? Gosh, calling me ancient as if you weren't looking for e-girls to jack off to."
[𝚇𝚡𝙻𝚒𝚕_𝙸𝚌𝚢𝚡𝚇] 𝙻𝙴𝙵𝚃.
"That's what I thought, pussy." KittySparkle93 inserted the CD into his other computer, "I'm gonna share my screen in a minute, the game just needs to load. Y'all can ask me questions while we wait."
[𝚇𝚡𝙻𝚒𝚕_𝙸𝚌𝚢𝚡𝚇] 𝙹𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳.
XxLil_IcyxX : missed me? ;)
"No." He gave a serious look to the camera, "Next question."
Bigckle123 : why did you make your user KittySparkle93?
"I didn't. I accidentally left my computer open and my roommate took advantage of that by changing my usernames on all my socials," he sighed angrily, "I was able to change back all of them except this account, but it doesn't matter anyways since this will be the first and last time I'm streaming on here."
chiklittle492 : whaaaaat nah bro keep streaming youre actually funny
Wariel : are you mad at your roommate?
He shook his head, "No and no. I don't have time to stream every day plus I already have a job that pays me well, I'm not that desperate. For the second question, no, I could never be mad at my roommate. He's so chill and he only did that as a prank. It was harmless and he never had any malicious intent."
iam2cool4u : can we see your roommate?
"Nah, he ain't home right now."
A beeping sound came from his other computer, "Looks like it all loaded up...hold on I'm gonna share my screen." After a few seconds, he began to screenshare. The viewers could see the main menu of the game while still being able to see him through his webcam.
He faced the screen, "All good?"
Krpliseis : Yep
SIXFEET_TOODEEP : yeah i can see
"Alright, alright. Let's get into thissss," he started the game and it spawned him at the checkpoint where he left off, "Okay guys, all I need to do is defeat the boss and then I'm done."
While he was explaining his last task, some of the viewers caught a glimpse of a large hand slowly emerging from under the door behind him. Though his room was dark, they could still see the hand moving due to the skin being a light grey. It continued to move around, as if it were trying to grab onto something.
The viewers were either too stunned to say anything or thought it was a prank by the roommate. Whatever their reactions were, it was still unsettling to watch. The fingers of the hand were quite long and the way it moved wasn't normal. In fact, every time it moved the fingers would make a cracking sound but the young man couldn't hear since he was wearing headphones on full volume.
All the users who were watching the live waited for someone to inform the man about the strange entity, nobody said a word until a brave soul decided to step up.
XxLil_IcyxX : who's fucking hand is that
XxLil_IcyxX : bro look behind you
Kitty glanced at his comments before turning around to look at the door but before he could catch a glimpse of the hand, the entity had already moved away.
"Icy, you're not funny. This is strike two out of three, if you act up again i'm banning you from the stream. Seriously."
XxLil_IcyxX : aint no wayyyy
Born2Cry : no seriously there actually was a hand
Krpliseis : You need to get out of there
More comments began piling in, either they were concerned for the man's safety or were joking about the whole situation.
Hearts4Sophia : you need to hurry up and get off stream and run omg
The man scoffed, "Are y'all seriously this mad that i'm not an e-girl? Trying to scare me so I can get off stream is fucking pathetic."
"You know what, my roommate probably came home early and decided to mess with me. I'll talk to him in the morning about it, I need to finish this game."
Bigckle123 : damnnnn bro does your roommate have a skin condition that makes his skin grey? thats what i gotta know
Born2Cry : it is not humanly possible for fingers to be longer than a #2 pencil
He ignored all the comments and continued to play. His mind was set on one thing, to complete the game and go to bed. He didn't have time for teenage boys and older men trying to scare him off. If he wanted to finish, he needed to focus.
While his eyes were glued on the screen, the door behind him began to creak open at a slow pace, just enough for the creature to poke his head through.
It was indeed not his roommate.
Its face was severely deformed and it looked like it had been rubbed with sandpaper. Both of its eyes were missing and so were its eyelids. Its jaw was dislocated but that wasn't what terrified them all the most. The corners of its mouth were stitched to its cheekbones.
Creating a permanent smile.
The viewers watched as it began to breathe heavily. The noise it made was hoarse and dry. All of the viewers kept trying to get Kitty's attention in the chat but it was no use. No matter what they did, he would not look at the chat. Even when they sent him small donations, he still wouldn't look but instead thanked them as he continued to glue his eyes to the screen.
𝚇𝚡𝙻𝚒𝚕_𝙸𝚌𝚢𝚡𝚇 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚊 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 $𝟷𝟶𝟶 ──
DUDE THERES SOMETHING BEHIND YOU ISTG IDK WHAT WTF IT IS YOU NEED TO LEAVE RN
Text-to-speech voiced out Lil Icy's message. It had caught Kitty's attention, thankfully, but not for the reasons the users expected.
Kitty had enough, "Third strike Icy. You. Are. Oooout."
He turned to his other computer to ban Icy but before he could, he saw it on his webcam.
"What the fuck..."
The creature was right behind him.
It was practically breathing down his neck, loudly. The drool dripped down from its mouth and landed on Kitty's shoulder. All Kitty could do was stare at the webcam, frozen in fear. He didn't know what to do, whether he should run for it or stay put, but either way he knew that both choices would definitely get him killed.
XxLil_IcyxX : HOLY SHIT
FairyMary : this is clearly staged u guys
adriannalimafan : LMAO
"Shit." he took a shaky breath, "I gotta end the stream, sorry."
[𝙺𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚢𝚂𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚕𝚎𝟿𝟹] 𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙼.
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Squidmanescape (talk) 20:22, 1 July 2024 (UTC)[]
In this story, stream quotes are used. I think you're better at using a stream chat in a story than some published authors. The excerpts weren't too long and they all meaningfully contributed to the story. The story before the creature shows up is set up well, but once the creature shows up, it's not clear what we are supposed to feel.
The main problem is the lack of elaboration in the story. Even though the creature is scary-looking, it's never actually explained why it's even dangerous. I unironically feel kind of bad for it because it seems to have been hurt in some way, but everyone is afraid of it. The streamer seems to know what it is, because he knows it will kill him if he runs, but the audience is never told why.
In general, the creature raises more questions than answers. Is the creature supposed to look like that? Did someone torture the creature and take out its eyes, resew its face, etc. - was the streamer the bad guy the whole time? Is it here because of the stream, or because of the roommate, or is it here for no reason? Why does the streamer know he will get killed? Will he get killed because of the creature or because of whatever took out the creature's eyes and sewed its mouth like that? Why did the streamer end the stream, and was that a good choice? I feel like the story would be better if it answered at least some of these questions.
There are a few grammatical issues. One of the main ones, which isn't really that distracting, is the fact that you often use commas instead of periods when switching between description and quotes even when the description is a full sentence. For example:
- KittySparkle93 skimmed the screen, "Sorry to break it to you fellas, but I'm not an e-girl."
- Kitty had enough, "Third strike Icy. You. Are. Oooout."
Normally, this is done when the descriptive sentence has to do with the creation of the quote. To be more precise, it's used when the verb is transitive and the object is the quote (said, shouted, typed, etc.). For example, these changed sentences could use commas:
- KittySparkle93 skimmed the screen and said, "Sorry to break it to you fellas, but I'm not an e-girl."
- Kitty had enough, shouting, "Third strike Icy. You. Are. Oooout."
I think that, instead, you should change the commas to periods:
- KittySparkle93 skimmed the screen. "Sorry to break it to you fellas, but I'm not an e-girl."
- Kitty had enough. "Third strike Icy. You. Are. Oooout."
There are other grammatical issues which are more important. I changed the commas to periods when necessary:
- the only
soundssound being heard was the clicking of his keyboard as he typed away. - Popular gamers were not close to completing the game.
they'reThey were far behind due to delay for the release. - man's and chaotic persona (I think there needs to be a word between "man's" and "and".)
- "Shit."
heHe took a shaky breath. "I gotta end the stream, sorry." - KittySparkle93 stretched
thishis arms. "I'm soo tired, it's like 3 AM over here." - He
readsread the comments with a smile plastered on his face.
There might be other errors. I suggest either reading the story out loud or using text-to-speech to read it.
Overall, I think the story would be improved if the stream went on longer and we understood why a tortured creature suddenly appeared on stream and why the guy felt like he was going to die when what seems like a very injured person showed up behind him. I hope my critique was helpful.
Squidmanescape (talk) 20:22, 1 July 2024 (UTC)