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Milly's Demons[]

I remember everything.. I remember when I was 6 and my parents were arguing. Didn't seem that bad.

I watched them scream at each as I sat on the stairs, holding my stuffed dog, Demon. Demon was black stuffed dog with little bits of blood all over him. I was known for getting hurt and Demon was the proof. I carried him everywhere. After my mom screamed: "Forget You!!!" at My dad,he then pulled a gun and pointed it at her.

Scared as Hell, I ran up the stairs and into my room. I looked around trying to figure out where to hide.

I heard a gun shot but I couldn't cry. I had to keep quiet. I ran into my closet and put my hand over my mouth. There was a moment of silence until I then heard.. “Milly..” A voice was talking to me. The voice grew louder so I hugged Demon close to my face.

Milly... Milly ....”The voice called for me. Louder, Louder, Louder until finally someone opened the closet door and found me.

I thought I was my murderous dad but it was a police man. The man picked me up and walked me out.I saw a lot of blood and my dad was no where to be seen. My mom was in an ambulance and I finally heard the voice again.

Milly.... I'm Lonely... So are you.... Come on.. Come with me..”

Now that we’re caught up to the present, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Milly. I am a 15 year old who is in love with everything scary. I have Long brown hair that is always kept in a ponytail and a blue short sleeve shirt.

I still Have demon to this day but let’s just say... I have other demons too. Whenever I sleep I swear something watches me, My Shadow moves On it’s own (When I’m still my shadow just starts moving around as is it’s trying to get away from me) and When my mind is clear I suddenly hear that voice from 9 years ago. It sometimes get so loud I get a splitting headache.

No, I don't want to Go see a Doctor or a therapist. No, I don’t want people to think I’m insane. Plus, I don’t think of killing, suicide or any of that stuff. The only person who knows about my Demons is my little Brother, Max.

Max is a 9 year old who is worrisome, Lovable and is always seen with me.

“Milly, Can I hold Demon?” Max asked me.

“What? But you might puke on him!” I replied as I remembered that Max gets carsick. We were in the car, going to our new house. We were always moving. That’s what happens when you have a paranoid mom.

When we got to the house I grew a little disappointed. It looked like a normal house. Two stories, A tan color and a tree that had a Treehouse in it.

“Look at our new house!” Max cheered.

I was going to respond but the voice came and I was actually creeped out. “Milly... you came.... you actually came... Now we can be reunited...”

I grabbed my head and shook it.

"Everything ok?" My mom asked me.

"Yeah." I said.

"Blood.. You want Blood.. so do I.." The voice told me.

"I do not!" I whispered.

"Huh?" My stepdad asked me.

8 years ago my mom (Her name is Claire) got married to Dave. They had Max after a 2 months of being married and Its nice to have a non abusive dad.

"Nothing!" I told him rather quickly.

He shrugged and we walked into the house.

"I call creepiest bedroom!" I yelled as I ran upstairs.

The house looked bigger on the inside and the halls seemed endless. I walked into a room that had gray walls and the paint was peeling off. There was a mattress on the floor that looked brown from all the dust.

"This is cool.." I gasped in awe.

Something then grabbed my neck and I couldn't breathe.

"About time You came." A new voice said to me.

I struggled to get away but nothing worked.

I tried to yell ‘Mom’ but the hands strangling me made it hard.

”Milly?” Max asked me as he walked into my room.

“Help me!!!!” I tried to scream.

“Milly, you can unpack your own box’s.” Max told me with an eye roll.

“Can’t you see the freaking demon Strangling me?!?!” I yelled at him.

“The only Demon I see is Demon the Dog.” Max said as he pointed at my stuffed animal.

I then realized that I was talking and the hand was gone. I felt like I couldn’t breathe that well but just enough to talk.

“Thanks for the help.” I huffed at Max as I walked away.

“Your welcome.” Max shot back when he noticed that I was being sarcastic.

We spent the rest of the day unpacking and exploring. I was starting to like this house.

I walked past my mom's bedroom.I heard talking so I stopped and put my ear to the door.

"I don't think it's a good idea.." Mom sighed.

"It'll be ok. We can do it. Just a quick trip, check it out then come back. We can't risk bringing Milly." Dave told her.

"Can't risk bringing me?" I whispered to myself.

"Ok. Ok. Fine." My mom sighed. I heard her get up and shuffle through some stuff.

I heard them walk over to the door so I ran to my room.

"Milly! Your Dad and I have to go somewhere. We'll be back." Mom told me.

"Can't we come with you?" I asked.

Mom and Dad looked at each other.

"Just stay here. Ok?" Dave told me.

"Alright." I replied.

Busterlover (talk)

Max was watching Tv, I had no idea where Mom and Dave were, so I was on my bed holding Demon.

"How much longer of these dumb demons?" I asked the stuffed dog.

I then heard Max scream.

"Max!!!"I yelled.

I shot up and ran downstairs.

Blood was all over. On the walls, on the couch and soaked the floors. He was stabbed on the couch, thrown to the wall and left to die on the floor.

"Max!" I screamed as I saw his dead body.

He has stab marks and blood all over.

I screamed as I watched my bloody, half brother's dead body.

"Everyone's going to think its me." I said.

I picked up the body and put it on his bed. I tucked him in and turned off the light.

I then sat on the couch.

"Dead people are a lot easier to take care of." I joked.

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Te (talk) 14:02, 28 January 2022 (UTC)[]

Howdy there!

I'm here to provide some feedback on your story.

First of all, right off the bat I noticed that it's just one big lump of text. That alone is already enough to persuade an admin to remove it (if it was posted to the wiki, and not The Workshop). Try separating it into paragraphs.

There are some issues with mis-capitalization. Try to avoid fully capitalizing words LIKE THIS. Instead, if you'd like to put emphasis on a word, try using Italics or Bold. They tend to have a better result, and look less sloppy.

Ensure that when you're using quotations for dialogue tag, that you close the quotation. If you say "Milly...." then I know that was all that was said. Without closing the quotation, everything in the story that comes after ends up being an open quotation.

Some of the wording choices here come off a bit awkwardly. Try reading your writings slowly, and out loud. That can help you pick up on where things are a bit janky.

On to the plot:

This is obviously only the beginning of your story, but you have some pretty solid action right off the bat. That can be a good way to really hook the reader. Try to balance the aspects of "showing" and "telling". That way the reader stays immersed, and the story flows naturally.

Despite the whole "Abusive dad tried to kill mom" trope being heavily overused, and kinda dull, that doesn't mean it can't be used effectively anyways. So don't be discouraged.

I look forward to seeing what more you do with this story, as it's obviously just a sapling right now, thirsting for nourishment through your creativity. Don't give up, keep at it!

ZugZuwang (talk) 01:55, 3 February 2022 (UTC)[]

So, I really am not sure where you're going with this as of now, because the ending is really abrupt; I'm going to assume that it's still unfinished because of that.

This reads like a wattpad fanfic rather than a fleshed out story.

Your grammar is rather off, with miscapitalised words and misuse of your/you're being the most standout issue. You've also formatted some of this strangely, though that may be to do with you not knowing how to format properly, which is fair enough. I don't understand why you decided to name the dog "Demon" when the story is also centered around demons. It's not clever, it's actually very silly to do this because you're going to be using the word "demon" a lot when referring to both the dog and the being(s) after Milly which looks messy and awkward.

The interactions and dialogue are also really janky. "“Can’t you see the freaking demon Strangling me?!?!?!" the use of punctuation is excessive and Milly would not be able to yell at anyone while her throat is being crushed; she may be able to croak out some words, but you need to convey that in the dialogue. In fact, you even contradict yourself in the very next sentence; "I then realized that I Could talk and the hand was gone." Implying that she couldn't talk beforehand, but there's dialogue indicating that she could.

Finally, the plot is mundane, but not unsalvageable. Like Te has said, abusive parents hurting/killing each other is an exhausted trope, however you could make it into something interesting if you tied in the demon(s) to the father, perhaps influencing him to hurt her or her mother. You also need to develop your narrative slower; it all seems very rushed.

Side note: DO NOT address the reader directly. "I know what you're thinking" etc. It's not meta or self aware, it's jarring and takes me out of the story. Assuming what I'm thinking to try and immerse me will 9 times out of 10 do the exact opposite, because I'm not thinking what the narrator 'knows' I'm thinking, and frankly I don't care if they do or not, it's irrelevant to the story. There are better ways of creating exposition.

I hope this helps; I would like to see this become something interesting.