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Forums: Index > Writers' Workshop > Nyctophobia


Nyctophobia[]

Ever scared of the dark? Hey, everyone's been scared by the dark before, even him..


Heavily breathing. Robert, a 5 year old child who has just run away from home, is being chased by what he thinks is a shadow man. Robert had been running for 12 minutes when he jumped into a bush and stayed there, sobbing. For 2 weeks Robert had been crying himself to sleep because of the thought of being taken away, so he did it himself and ran.


(Authors note: This is only a draft about my childhood fear, just wanted to make a story about it. I've got major plans for this though.)


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Little Nile Flower (talk) 08:30, 13 July 2022 (UTC)[]

"Hey, everyone's been scared by the dark before, even him.."

Even who? Hoo-hoo-hoohoo, hoo-hoo-who?

"Heavily breathing."

This is not a complete sentence. The way that you seemed to be trying to write this makes it seem like it should've been a part of the next sentence in the paragraph; in which case, simply replace the period with a comma: "Heavily breathing, Robert, a 5 year old child who has just run away from home, is being chased by what he thinks is a shadow man."

There are a few other ways I would personally change up the phrasing and sentence structure here, mostly by dividing these sentences up to some degree and making them shorter; rephrasing them appropriately. Mostly to help even out the pacing. But that's just me.

To get into the major issue, I can't actually criticize the story here, because there isn't one yet. I don't think anyone can, because let's be honest: this seems less finished than the Sagrada Família, and that's been under construction for 120+ years. I hope you don't take that long. I can't even ask you to elaborate on anything here, because it's just not finished so there's nothing to elaborate on - to be honest, I don't know what you were expecting to get review or advise-wise when you posted this in this state.

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