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- Trainer Gold's Persona-

There has been a trend going around asking “Who is Orin?”. Well, I don’t know but my friends, Dolion and Yori are going to investigate. And of course, I can’t leave my friends behind. Well, here's some quick information on the two:

Dolion: He is 14 years old and he loves joking around and he lies a lot. He is smart which is surprising since he is a bad liar.

Yori: She is 14 years old and she loves hanging out with her friends and she likes helping people with their problems. She is also the smartest person in their middle school.

Izar (me): I’m the smartest boy in my school. I, Yori, and Dolion have been best friends since elementary school. I’m also 14 years old and the only thing I like is my family and friends!

There is a summary of all of our information. So it was a Saturday afternoon when Yori rang me up on the phone. I was going to ignore it since I was studying for exams that were next week. She probably studied already anyway so that's the only reason why I picked it up.

“Zari guess what the internet is going crazy about?” Yori asked with a burst of excitement.

“Uhh, what?” I responded. I had a feeling that she was going to say “THERE IS A NEW EXORCISM HAPPENING IN TOWN!!!” which didn’t go well for that poor man. He was possessed by Satan himself!

“Who is Orin,” She exclaimed. “Me, you, and Dolion are going to meet up at the entrance to the Pineberry Woods Trail tomorrow! We’re gonna find out who Orin is! Did you get that Zari?”

“Sadly, yes…”

Then she hung up. I was too tired of this shit! Why do we waste our time like this? Last time we almost died trying to talk to a Ouija Board. That scratch Yori got hurt me even though I didn’t get it. I wonder why Dolion isn’t affected by ghosts. Dolion is a very quiet and chill guy but the seems like he's always trying to keep a secret and fit in. Kinda like... he's new. I searched on the internet on the topic of this Orin guy and here are some search results.

Who’s Orin? The unsolved mystery of the mythical Dark knight

Orin the dark knight! SOLVED!!!

I clicked on the one that said solved just to make sure I could avoid going out tomorrow, but it was just a theory instead of an actual case being solved. I can’t escape now. I need a break for god’s sake! I guess finding a fake knight isn’t too bad. At least we aren’t going to a circus again. God that was creepy! I went to go take a shower, brush my teeth, and went to bed. I was thinking about Yori and how great she was. After about 10 minutes of thinking, I fell asleep.

Hollow, grey, blue aura. What am I seeing? He looks like a-! I woke up in shock. I couldn’t even get that much of a good look at him! I heard knocking at my door. I ran downstairs and opened the door and there they were.

“Hiya, Zari,” Yori yelled. “Dolion here is very tired because I woke him up at 4 am in the morning!”

“And that's not a good thing!” Dolion said.

I sighed and let them in the house. I wish I had someone like a parent to make sure I didn’t get into trouble like I always do. Specifically, finding abnormalities in forests or run-down cities. Good thing that Yori’s dad pays for this house so I don’t get kicked out. They walked upstairs while I went into the kitchen. I lied my head down on the table to think about how I’m gonna confess.

Should I say the classic “I like you!” or go with my flow of saying it. “Hello, I like you. Have a nice day.” Neh, that wouldn’t roll well. Yori ran down the stairs into the kitchen where I was. She came and sat beside me.

“You okay Zari?” Yori asked.

“Who am I Yori,” I said. “Who do you think I am?”

“Well…… probably my #1.” Yori said.

I know why she did that. She didn't want to answer the question! Her hair might be black and she’s tall… wheres a black hoodie and black shorts. But the personality is good also! She won’t fool me!

“Oh, I am!? Or are you lying?” I asked.

She was silent for a few seconds then she finally spoke.

“Well, you are a great person and I enjoy being around you. Without you, I would have ended my life right there.” Yori said.

I was shocked. She never told me about ending her life! I started to tear up. I saved a life! I wiped my tears away hoping that she wouldn’t notice and I responded with:

“Thank you! Yori. Let’s start planning.”

We went upstairs and we all started planning for this mission of ours. First, we go into the forest's “no entering” section, then we start heading north of the forest. We were just going to explore after that.

“Orin… he shall be thou savor…” Dolion said.

Yori looked at me and held my hand. I immediately got her hand off of mine and then slapped Dolion. If he is possessed then I’ll just slap the demon out of him! Yori just stared at me. Dolion stood there with no emotion.

“Let's go,” I said. “Don’t get possessed guys.”

They both giggled and followed me out of the house.

We made it to the forest and hopped the fence. I saw someone up ahead. They had long blonde hair and wore a girl scout uniform. I ran up to them and asked them if they were here to find Orin too.

“Yes! Well hello, my name is Ema! Nice to meet you.”

Then Yori and Dolion finally caught up and they introduced themselves also. It was silent since we didn’t know what to talk about but then it was broken by Ema.

“Izar, I wanna talk to you in private.” She pulled me to the side while the others were still walking. I was confused about what she wanted to talk about since we just met.

“Dolion. There’s something about him that’s weird.” Ema said.

“I agree. He isn’t like an average person. He tries to blend in with society and it’s weird.” I responded.

Ema grabbed my hand and started staring into my eyes. I blushed and let go.

“Let’s hang out together after this!” Ema said.

I said “yes” and we ran up to Dolion and Yori but Yori was gone! Dolion was walking like there was nothing wrong with what we were seeing.

“Where’s Yori?” I asked.

He pointed ahead of the trail.

“She went down there.” Dolion said.

We continued walking but it seemed like it would never end. Dolion went to one of the trees and drew a soul. He caught up with us faster then ever though! We were far ahead of him but he still caught up within about 6 seconds. I noticed that we still haven’t found Yori yet so I started pressing on Dolion.

“Are you lying Dolion?” I said.

“No. Why would I lie to the person that she was constantly trying to run away from?” Dolion said.

“What!? That makes no sense! Me and her are best fri-!” I was cut off.

“You are the reason why she left you at such a young age,” Dolion said. “She was a dear friend of yours but now she’s gone. She loved you, she wanted you, SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! But ay, you’re the villain now!” “You know what I think about you!?” I said. “You’re a creepy demon guy that likes to ruin peoples lives and destroy their dreams!”

“You two need to stop before someone gets… ummm what the HELL IS THAT!?” Ema said.

He looked at me and smiled. His body slowly started turning into grey armor like a knight. There was a blue aura forming around him. He was also about 6’5 which is pretty fucking tall by the way!

“Orin?” I said.

“Yes. I am Orin.” Dolion said. Or should I say, Orin?

Ema hugged me then she went up to Orin. I tried to grab her but she just dodged it.

“Orin, what is your purpose?” Ema asked.

“My purpose,” Orin said. “Is to make sure all of the souls of this world never live the life they dream of. I will make sure that the depressed, the disordered, and the suicidal all suffer more pain on top of the pain they’re already dealing with!”

Ema turned around and smiled at me. I was about to run and snatch her away from him but he already pulled his sword out and finished her dreams. I looked at him and walked up to him. I grabbed his sword and he let me have it. “It’s your turn, Izar Orin,” Orin said. “You will take my job and prove that wishes can kill!”

My clothes turned into the hoodie Yori was wearing. My hair shades of blue in my black hair now! But I still looked human. The sword went into my hand. I looked back up and didn’t see Orin anymore.

“Hi, are you looking for Orin too?” A boy said behind me.

“Yeah, I am.”

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~~ This One Might Need Some Work... ~~[]

Even before getting into the nitty-gritty of my criticisms, I have to say that you have an interesting concept. However, your execution was not as interesting.

For starters, I noticed quite a few grammar issues. Missing periods, misuse of commas, you name it. However, those are small.

Next, your plot is kinda all over the place. Who is Orin? We don't learn this until halfway through, and I feel like someone telling a story would probably mention that at the beginning. The characters feel like they were rushed in their personalities, and the suspense and tension just...isn't there. I don't feel the story grabbing at me and refusing to let go, like a story should.

Please keep in mind that's only a few of the gripes I have with this story.

Please don't take this as you should quit, because I believe this story has potential. It just isn't there yet. Keep working hard!

The Best Salad Topping (talk) 12:55, 31 May 2022 (MST)

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 15:41, 2 June 2022 (UTC) Xiaangling[]

Hello lmao

" I’m also 14 years old and the only thing I like is my family and friends!" This is just me but... I hate this protagonist. WHO DOESN'T HAVE A HOBBY? WTH? DOES THIS MAN HAVE A LIFE? SURELY AT LEAST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE FIXATION/HOBBY?? WHAT? DOES THIS GUY LIVE UNDER A FREAKIN ROCK???

"“Zari guess what the internet is going crazy about?” Yori asked with a burst of excitement." Comma after "Zari" T_T

"Who’s Orin? The unsolved mystery of the mythical Dark knight" I'm pretty sure that you need punctuation after "knight".

"Orin the dark knight! SOLVED!!!" Why is "dark" capitalized in the last sentence but not here?

"I was thinking about Yori and how great she was." Oh, did you hear that? That was just me, running away from the implications of romance and crushes in all creepypastas. Can tbh relate in a way ig? This is just a pet peeve lol

"Should I say the classic “I like you!” or go with my flow of saying it. “Hello, I like you. Have a nice day.”" why the FUCK am I reading a ROMANCE STORY on the CREEPYPASTA WIKI

" Her hair might be black and she’s tall… wheres a black hoodie and black shorts." Wears*? Also, this sentence doesn't flow very well and could use a "she" after tall. Also, MIGHT? This guy has 3/20 vision? MIGHT?????? Also she sounds emo as hell LMAOOOOOO I would never.

"“Izar, I wanna talk to you in private.”" Hi, my understanding was Izar hadn't introduced himself yet. The text says that only his friends introduced themselves.

I don't have many grammar issues/plot holes after this. I don't follow the plot after Ema's introduction. Orin was Dolion, right?? In that case, what was even the ending? Whatever happened to the protagonist?? I don't get it one bit LMAO