Summer Camp[]
My name is Parker North. I remember when I was eight, my class went to a summer camp. We didn't know then, but it would soon spiral out of control. When the bus arrived at the camping ground, my class immediately sprinted from the bus to collect wood for a campfire. We didn't need tents, as we had two cabins, one for boys, and the other for girls. As you all know, a campfire wouldn't be one if there was no spooky story. My buddy, Timothy, started first. He told the children about a mysterious creature who lives in the woods. He said it appeared to be humanoid and brown, with black eyes. It would kill anyone who is within ten feet of it. It made a screech like a barn owl. I felt horrified.
One night, I went for a walk with Timothy, and we heard a sound similar to a barn owl. But it wasn't. We turned around and there it was- humanoid, brown, with black eyes. To make matters worse, we were eight feet from it. "Run!" I told Tim. Tim was too shocked to move, so I had to drag him. We ran back to camp and told our teacher, Mr. Morris, the story. He didn't believe us. To make matters worse, it was misty that day, so we couldn't go back again, because we may get lost. I had no idea what we saw, but I knew Timothy's story was true. I know because I saw it. It was there, right in front of me and Timothy.
That night, I went into Timothy's room to tell him that I saw the creature again. Suddenly, an awful stench filled the air. I looked down, and to my shock, saw Tim on the floor. His eyes were white with shock, and his stomach was ripped open. His intestines were torn out, and one arm was missing. His mouth was open, and when I poked it with a stick, flies buzzed out from it. I was shocked to see this happen to my friend.
I told Mr. Morris the news, and he was shocked as well. Mr. Morris called the police and told the rest of the eighteen students that came with us to hide. The police were in the middle of investigating Timothy's body, which was still in the when they heard a screech. It was the creature. The creature sprung forward, knocking over an officer. He pulled out his pistol and attempted to pull the trigger, but it was too late. SNAP. The creature held the officer's body by the neck, and began to devour him.
While the monster was devouring the officer, another officer fired a shot at the creature. BANG. Blood sprayed from the monster's arm. BANG. Blood sprayed from the monster's leg. The monster screamed in pain and fury, and sprung for the officer and slashed at him. It missed him by millimeters, and the officer jumped back and fired again. BANG. The creature fell to the ground, its leg, arm and head bleeding. The officer was about to fire his last shot when the creature leapt to its feet and clamped its jaws down onto the officer's hand, causing him to yell out in agony.
I was the only kid there, and I began to run. I mean, who wouldn't?! I swung open the cabin's door and charged outside. The monster looked in my direction, and screeched. It started sprinting. I looked back, and to my surprise, it was inches away from me. The sound of me and the creature's footsteps interrupted the silence of the serene wilderness. I looked behind me, just to check if the creature was following me. It was. I followed my instinct, and leapt into some bushes. I brushed the back of my hand against the twigs, just to make sure nothing was there. I peeked through the gaps of the bushes to see if the creature was still there. It was there, but it was about to leave. I sighed with relief and waited. When it left, I heard a loud sound, followed by a screech. BANG. I stood up, and saw the creature, laying dead on the floor. Beside it was an officer, standing still as a statue, grasping his pistol. I stood still as I stared down at the corpse of the monster. It appeared that time had stopped. There was silence. An eerie silence. The monster, its mouth agape, eyes wide with fury. It seemed alive. It appeared it wanted to get me. I took a deep breath, and relaxed. It was dead anyway. I am still scared to this day of what had happened that night. I was in a camp ruined by evil. I almost died. I tried to live off that day. I couldn't. It was forever in my mind. I still felt its presence around me…
Written by Winghay.tam.1
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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personal review[]
it's decent, only problems is that it's a wall of text
7.5/10, it has some potential
20:49, 5 September 2023 (UTC)
Macciata (talk) 21:18, 5 September 2023 (UTC)[]
Gotta echo Idontcareaboutusernamestbh on that: this passage is in desperate need of paragraph breaks. The story is all right, general spelling & grammar etc. acceptable, a little bare-bones -- could use more colorful descriptive language, some actual dialogue, and a dash of filling out rather than rushing straight from plot point to plot point. A particular spot that could use expansion is to actually give us Tim's telling of the story, in his voice, and in the form of a story -- right now it seems like they're gathered around the campfire and Tim just stands up and says "There's this brown thing that kills people within ten feet." Not really the best campfire tale.
A few specific notes:
- Change all the numbers to words instead of numerals, i.e, "eight" instead of "8".
- There's no reason for "That night..." instead of "That night,".
- The police turned off their lights because they were afraid "there might be another"? How would less light help? Additionally, it says "the police sirens were off, so the outdoors were dark" -- sirens are the noisemakers, not the lights.
- The last "Bang" in the story isn't capitalized as the others are.
Above all, please describe the monster in more detail or at the very least change the description you have. Even aside from such a minimal description being entirely inadequate in any case, the specific instance of a story which ends with a cop shooting a being described only as "humanoid and brown" is... well let's just not go there, okay?
Here are my critiques :)[]
oopsies..this needs work. So first of all it gives too much at the beginning, you shouldn't tell the audience that it was going to spiral out of control, thats their job to find out. second the character is addressing the audience casually. The character talking to the readers is never what you want in a pasta unless it is extremely well done or contains context to why, next it needs a longer beginning it started off with the conflict to fast. The characters arent well known yet. A good trait in a pasta is making the readers like the characters or see them though the eyes or the character at the beginning no matter how long they last or the future. Also its not very dramatic, i could read this with a straight face. add some suspense or actual fear. And keep the language consistent, some times it contains advanced vocabulary, sometimes its childish,and casual. Also dont over describe, say its a silence or an eerie silence. dont say both. And the main issue is, it doesnt sound like an adult is telling a childhood story. It sounds like a tween-teen telling a made up on the spot campfire story. and one last thing, use scarier words!! replace misty with foggy and dark, replace blood sprayed with blood gushed, make your horror story into a horror story.
~~Uh Critique -KoolBacon ~~[]
You made it too short for a story like this. You could add more detail and longer description like the full telling of the tale and a longer amount of time before everything happens. For example, maybe just a bit more time and explanation before the campfire part, and like I said make that a better part by adding more detail and a full story. Give a bit more time before it jumps right to the monster. Tim going away and the whole topic on that should be extended, and the police part isn't too bad but just maybe a bit more description and extension.