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Tenebris Malevolus Daemonium: The dark and evil demon[]

I need to talk about something and this seemed like the place for it. I'm an archeologist and researcher looking at two digs, one is of a few buried bars of gold, quite valuable to say the least but then there's the discovery of a gravesite. Which is not all that unusual but the weird thing is that the grave was empty... Looking at the epitaphs I could see that they died a couple of centuries ago around the 1700s, however, these names were somewhat infamous as the "Crook Couple." You see these two had managed to rob several trains, and banks then would head to the local tavern to rest. One of their jobs went wrong quickly however as the bank being robbed was highly protected, they managed to get the gold out yes but then they were chased down. They wouldn't go quietly either as both sides started firing and the wife was shot dead. The husband saw this and slaughtered them all but later succumbed to his injuries. They were laid to rest together. The question is though why they were out here in the middle of nowhere? But I digress… the real mystery started up a few days ago when out of the blue I’ve had a recurring nightmare where a man in an old cowboy getup (not unlike you see in the movies) approaches me, looking at it you’d think he was nothing special he had black hair and a ponytail. The only thing that stood out were his eyes which were catlike but a blood red. Looking at his outfit I could see several holes of which blood and sometimes metal flowed out of. His legs were also filled with holes but he stood on them like there was no pain. He looked to be in his mid 20s too, but what was really unsettling was that smile, a sharp grin spread from ear to ear and his teeth were sharp and grisly. All he said was “give it back” or “you took it” or “you will give it back or else”.

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Anonymous437 (talk) 04:06, 14 January 2023 (UTC)[]

There are a lot of grammatical and storytelling issues in here. I have made a list of all that I found.

1. Ah yes, you should talk about a "real life" experience on a website for fictional stories.

2. There are quite a few run-on sentences. I suggest shortening them.

3. Following the trend of run-on sentences: misused comas! There are either too many or too little in some sentences. Like I said in feedback to another 'pasta, try reading it aloud and seeing how it sounds.

4. What is an "old cowboy getup?" How is it different from the movies? Even though outfit description is discouraged on here, why do you make such a big deal of his facial features? A ghost is a ghost is a ghost, no matter how they look!

5. What happened next? Did you do so? This feels incomplete. I suggest adding more on here, because if you don't give it anymore structure, it will be deleted.

Don't take what I said too personally. My goal is to help you improve so that you can write amazing stories! Thanks for your time,


Macciata (talk) 08:22, 14 January 2023 (UTC)[]

Aside from the multiple errors of grammar, lack of paragraphing, rudimentary and incomplete story, it would be damn hard for people who died in the 1700's to rob many trains, as the first steam-locomotive-driven railway haul didn't occur until 1804 and commercial railways didn't become widespread until the 1830's. This story simply isn't developed far enough to genuinely critique, save to say that, as Anonymous points out, the first thing to work on is proper use of the comma. Master that and then perhaps you can move on to the art of developing a story beyond a vague and incoherent idea.