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The Mysterious Christmas tape[]

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Had a read through. Current thoughtsWilliam See (talk) 05:45, 13 October 2022 (UTC)[]

So, as far as I can see there aren't too many issues with grammar: you might have to go thru it again to check on punctuation, as I saw a couple stragglers here and there. Secondly, I think the fact that the contents of the tape aren't centered on the characters of the show Roli Poli is a generally good thing, as it doesn't trek more and more into Spinoff territory rather than just being a small detail. So on that topic, I think whittling down some of the emphasis on that specific show's quirks and details might work. This is afterall, your story, and making it be about someone else's "story" sort of divides the reader's attention. It also assumes everyone reading has the same knowledge of the show, which they may not, and causing less immersion while reading.

Secondly, I think you should prepare a little more lead up to the tape's contents. Since the twist is that weird "dream tapes" keep popping up randomly, there could be more details surrounding that being brought up a little prior. Show us the character's gut reaction to finding one or confirming what it is before finishing the contents: that way, them finishing it makes their morbid task much more unsettling.

As per the horror, I think theres also more you could do beyond having a weird guy be the horror subject of the tapes. If there's bizarre cartoon/real world footage involved, include something that strikes a harsh contrast, that may scare you or the reader (like a centipede with a human face for example). Your imagination and dream 'logic' should make this dream tape scenario more absurd or disturbing.

This is my thoughts for now. I really think you're on to something with this draft, but unfortunately its still a bit bare bones. Additionally, while I marked the original draft as deleted due to Spinoff Reasons, I think we could make this work if we do what was mentioned in point 1 and focus on the beginning of the pasta - this is about the tapes, not necessarily whats on them. Let's make that work.