(→PART 1) Tag: Source edit |
(→PART 1) Tag: Source edit |
||
| (9 intermediate revisions by 2 users not shown) | |||
| Line 32: | Line 32: | ||
_________________ |
_________________ |
||
| − | The year |
+ | '''The year 1796 of North America.''' |
| ⚫ | It was a freezing night outside on the empty streets. A young boy named "Alex Witzberg" is on his way home after another day of school. Alex's school life wasn't okay. His father filled it with almost never-ending hardships. Alex was a 15-year-old boy who was just like one of the few children who had misfortune in their lifetime caused by themselves. He was passive, kind-hearted, and always restrained himself from letting his anger and violence get the best of him. He was also a crybaby. Alex was also extremely lazy. He was terrible at studying because he did not focus on the teachers. Because of this, he always came back with bad grades. |
||
| − | |||
| ⚫ | It was a freezing night outside on the empty streets. A young boy named "Alex Witzberg" is on his way home after another day of school. Alex's school life wasn't okay. His father filled it with almost never-ending hardships. Alex was a 15-year-old boy who was just like one of the few children who had misfortune in their lifetime caused by themselves. He was passive, kind-hearted, and always restrained himself from letting his anger and violence get the best of him. He was also a crybaby. Alex was also extremely lazy. He was |
||
His friends in school always took the opportunity to bully him. One of them, Steve, a short-tempered boy from a wealthy yet strict family, was how his life went from a normal, happy boy down to a soft and passive boy. |
His friends in school always took the opportunity to bully him. One of them, Steve, a short-tempered boy from a wealthy yet strict family, was how his life went from a normal, happy boy down to a soft and passive boy. |
||
| − | |||
| − | When Steve became friends with Alex, they got along, but their relationship didn't last long when Alex didn't follow Steve's orders to sit next to him. Thus, Steve felt like Alex was not a worthy friend, and later unfriended him, and became a tyrant that underestimated those who are like Alex. This made Alex's school life a misery. |
||
| − | |||
| − | Steve made almost all of the students in the class turn their backs on Alex. Alex couldn't fight back, all because of his soft, kind, and passive personalities restricting him from expressing his stress and violence. However, he was at least relieved that Steve did not hurt him physically. |
||
What's worse is that he was born fragile, inherited from his sweet and delighted mother. His father was a rigorous man like Steve and a former bully in school. He was always strict with Alex and his young brother. Alex wasn't satisfied with this. His father did not allow him to live with a pacifist and weakling personality. Yet, since he wasn't a genius nor able to catch up with his classmates, his father hired a teacher to educate him for hours without rest. |
What's worse is that he was born fragile, inherited from his sweet and delighted mother. His father was a rigorous man like Steve and a former bully in school. He was always strict with Alex and his young brother. Alex wasn't satisfied with this. His father did not allow him to live with a pacifist and weakling personality. Yet, since he wasn't a genius nor able to catch up with his classmates, his father hired a teacher to educate him for hours without rest. |
||
| Line 63: | Line 58: | ||
Alex didn't respond outrageously. He remained passive and quiet until the teacher cools down. Alex didn't want to argue with the teacher since she has figured his nature, and she uses it to force him not to question any of her words. If Alex dares to, she will step up and leave, promising never to return and teach him ever again and let his father educate him. |
Alex didn't respond outrageously. He remained passive and quiet until the teacher cools down. Alex didn't want to argue with the teacher since she has figured his nature, and she uses it to force him not to question any of her words. If Alex dares to, she will step up and leave, promising never to return and teach him ever again and let his father educate him. |
||
| − | Alex is terrified of his father. His father, Mr. Leon, can't stand his anger towards someone who repeatedly makes many mistakes or is extremely stubborn and doesn't know their places. Alex has once done so. He ended up receiving many hits from his father. Sometimes, instead of using his hands, the father would use objects that can leave behind wounds that can make |
+ | Alex is terrified of his father. His father, Mr. Leon, can't stand his anger towards someone who repeatedly makes many mistakes or is extremely stubborn and doesn't know their places. Alex has once done so. He ended up receiving many hits from his father. Sometimes, instead of using his hands, the father would use objects that can leave behind wounds that can make an average human being almost bleed. Yet, his father always scolds him because of his carelessness. |
| − | "Yes, yes, Ms. |
+ | "Yes, yes, Ms. Petra," said Alex to his outrageous teacher. |
Alex wasn't okay with his life. He is surrounded by peoples who put a lot of pressure on him. What he wants is not to receive any bad complaining. He wants people to speak formally. |
Alex wasn't okay with his life. He is surrounded by peoples who put a lot of pressure on him. What he wants is not to receive any bad complaining. He wants people to speak formally. |
||
| Line 79: | Line 74: | ||
He didn't even sleep. |
He didn't even sleep. |
||
| − | As days pass by, with no food, drinks, or a warm shelter or anyone, he starts to get weak. |
+ | As days pass by, with no food, drinks, or a warm shelter or anyone, he starts to get weak. But suddenly, one day, he begins to notice that his entire body is adapting to the coldness. His whole body gets paler nowadays, and he starts to feel less tired too, somehow, he doesn't feel tired, and he begins not to feel sleepy at all. But what caught his attention was how tall he becomes. His condition somehow became better. The human skin that is having frostbite suddenly warmed back to regular human skin. His belly that kept on growling every day stops barking. The coldness suddenly just become like a normal thing to him. The boy is now tall as a typical average human being who has reached an adult's age. He thoughted to himself, how calm this happen? Is this magic? Or some unexplainable phenomenon? |
| − | This only confused the boy more. However, what shocks him more is that he found out he possessed supernatural |
+ | This only confused the boy more. However, what shocks him more is that he found out he possessed supernatural powers. Knowing this, the boy thinks that God decided to repay his hardworking, without letting this waste. The boy came back to his old town, tracks down the teacher, and kills her. He then finds his dad, who is drunk and is walking home at midnight. He confronts and beats him up. The boy left behind multiple scars, and some of his father's bones broke in the middle of the winter snow before perishing away without leaving a trace. |
| + | Alex has walked the Earth in his new form, in-search of any adults that went very strictly to their children. He lived a really great life, a life of someone who has nothing more than complete free will, but that wasn't until the day when Alex starts to noticed something. |
||
| − | As for Steve and the other bully students. Alex messed their mental health, mind and soon put Steve under a miserable life of being bullied by the entire school from grades to grades, which even the teachers won't help him. |
||
| + | "U-uh, w-what's happening!?" asked Alex. |
||
| ⚫ | They say that Alex, to this day, usually walks out from the forest where he first discovered his powers and traced down those who have put too much pressure, or did not give people second chances even when those peoples are speaking formally, being kind. However, they say that the Pale Boy even protects the innocents from any |
||
| + | The skin from both right and left in between his lower and upper jaw began to split and revealed the inside of his mouth, his teeth suddenly became sharp and pointy, his senses are becoming more better, his eyes started to change from regular human eyes to black eyes with red pupils as he now have better visions, his hearings now picks up sounds, noises, and voices from very far distances. |
||
| ⚫ | |||
| + | "W-what's happening!?" asked Alex in panic and confusion, he moved back and falls on the ground while he lifts his hands up and touches the right and left of his face to see whether if this is fake or real. |
||
| − | "And then, that's how the legends of the Pale Boy began to spread," said Annie. |
||
| + | He can literally feel his teeth on the outside. |
||
| − | "Woah? I didn't know about that, but just out of curiosity, what happened to him?" asked Ben. |
||
| + | While Alex is under the state of confusion, a man suddenly appeared out of nowhere behind him. |
||
| − | "Well, they say that as centuries pass by, the boy eventually walks the Earth and witnessed millions of things humanity has done, revolutionary speeches, how that made all of the changes, World War of all kinds. This has given him massive information about humanity, allowing him to develop a thorough understanding of human behaviors, tendencies, and natures. So afterward, when it was the modern era, the boy now wears on clothing that fits well with the community, a bartender suit, of course," said Annie. |
||
| + | "I see your being confused of what's happening," said the man. |
||
| − | "Oh, then what powers does he has?" asked John. |
||
| + | Alex turned around seeing a man wearing a fedora, with an all-black, grey pinstriped suit and a red tie standing while hiding his face underneath the fedora. |
||
| − | "Well, Metapotence, that's what, and also Violent Embodiment abilities," said Annie. |
||
| − | " |
+ | "W-who the hell are you!?" asked Alex. |
| − | " |
+ | "Who am I? Guess Alex, guess who I am," said the man. |
| ⚫ | They say that Alex, to this day, usually walks out from the forest where he first discovered his powers and traced down those who have put too much pressure, or did not give people second chances even when those peoples are speaking formally, being kind. However, they say that the Pale Boy even protects the innocents from any evil beings, regardless of what it is. Some have claimed that this thing here stalks and induces madness upon an evil person.''''' |
||
| − | Everybody stares at her for a while in confusion. |
||
| ⚫ | |||
| − | "Well, it is based on its definition of" A deity can do that it chooses to do." It is the very "'act'" of accomplishing absolutely anything and everything, no matter what. In-short, The Pale Boy possesses unfathomable power far beyond any reason, logic, and understanding since he was affected by a phenomenon of unknown source and origins. The phenomenon is believed to not be a phenomenon but rather reincarnation. It is believed that Alex to be the reincarnation of primordial Lovecraftian Horror. The Pale Boy seemingly can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however, he wants, allowing him to achieve anything and everything without any limit, no matter how impossible or contradictory, completely overriding all other forces and abilities like they didn't exist at all," said Annie. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Like Omnipotence Manipulation?" asked John. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Absolute, Meta, Ultimate, Total, Supreme, Omnipotence, Perfect Logic, Paradox Manipulation ALL!" said Annie. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Okay, this is just confusing me. What is it, a Tulpa?" asked Ben. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Tulpa? What is that?" asked Jenny. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "A Tulpa is a being that is empowered with the imaginations of individuals. They are known to obtain almost any kinds of powers based off on the statements and confirmations of not certain but thousands and millions of peoples across the world," said Ben. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Nope, he isn't a Tulpa, rather an urban legend," said Annie. |
||
| − | |||
| − | "Okay, okay, that's all, we're here," said Daisy. |
||
| − | |||
| − | They arrived at the hotel that is in New York City. |
||
| − | "All right, get your bags," said Ben. |
||
</div> |
</div> |
||
| Line 191: | Line 169: | ||
"Thank you for correcting me, however, I did use Grammarly to correct all of my errors, yet, I even used a premium type, can it expire?" |
"Thank you for correcting me, however, I did use Grammarly to correct all of my errors, yet, I even used a premium type, can it expire?" |
||
| + | |||
| + | == [[User:HopelessNightOwl|HopelessNightOwl]] ([[User talk:HopelessNightOwl|talk]]) 05:37, 7 April 2021 (UTC) == |
||
| + | |||
| + | Okay so to start with, there is no reason for this "legend" to take place in 1796. America did not have people with names like "Alex Witzberg" in the 18th century. They did not have K-12 education, female teachers, or any of the other trappings of modern society that this story has. |
||
| + | |||
| + | Beyond that, this story appears to be a standard Jeff the Killer-like pasta about a boy who is bullied, but instead of becoming a serial killer he just turns into a godlike entity. Not only is this an extremely cliched story that does not make much sense, but stories of this type really aren't allowed on this wiki. |
||
| + | |||
| + | https://creepypasta.fandom.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Spinoffs/Jeff-%22Inspired%22_Stories |
||
| + | |||
| + | ^Read this page. It concerns stories like the one in your draft. Quite frankly your story would have to be greatly overhauled to not be outright banned under the "Jeff rule." |
||
| + | |||
| + | Lastly, if English is not your first language, there are creepypasta wikis in other languages whose members may be able to give you better help, including wikis in Spanish, French, and Portuguese. |
||
Revision as of 05:56, 8 April 2021
The Pale Boy
PART 1
Ben, Penny, Alex, Daisy, Jenny, John, and Annie all got out of the aircraft. It was Summertime, and they were planning to go on a trip to North America.
As they got out of the station, they all took the bus and headed towards New York City.
"It's gonna take 2 hours, guys," said John.
"Oh, really, that's lame," said Daisy.
"Well, we can tell some stories to kill time," said Annie.
"Stories about boys?" asked Jenny.
"No, no, I'm talking about urban legend stories, you know, myths," said Annie.
"Urban legends? There are urban legends in North America?" asked Ben.
"Well, yeah, and this legend is about, The Pale Boy," said Annie.
"The Pale Boy? Never heard of that," said Ben.
"Well, I'll explain it," said Annie.
"A long time ago..."
_________________
The year 1796 of North America.
It was a freezing night outside on the empty streets. A young boy named "Alex Witzberg" is on his way home after another day of school. Alex's school life wasn't okay. His father filled it with almost never-ending hardships. Alex was a 15-year-old boy who was just like one of the few children who had misfortune in their lifetime caused by themselves. He was passive, kind-hearted, and always restrained himself from letting his anger and violence get the best of him. He was also a crybaby. Alex was also extremely lazy. He was terrible at studying because he did not focus on the teachers. Because of this, he always came back with bad grades.
His friends in school always took the opportunity to bully him. One of them, Steve, a short-tempered boy from a wealthy yet strict family, was how his life went from a normal, happy boy down to a soft and passive boy.
What's worse is that he was born fragile, inherited from his sweet and delighted mother. His father was a rigorous man like Steve and a former bully in school. He was always strict with Alex and his young brother. Alex wasn't satisfied with this. His father did not allow him to live with a pacifist and weakling personality. Yet, since he wasn't a genius nor able to catch up with his classmates, his father hired a teacher to educate him for hours without rest.
"I'm home," said Alex.
"Hello sweety, how was school?" asked Maria.
"It's fine, mom," said Alex.
Maria was Alex's mother and the only person that Alex loves the most. His mother is a person who always felt sympathy for him. She always stands up for him and tells his father not to go hard on him. Alex hopes he can one day repay for her kindness.
"Yeah, it is great, just stayed to have a conversation with the teacher for a while," said Alex with a bright smile before leaving his mother's sight.
Alex walks upstairs, sat on his desk, and waits a while. Ten minutes later, he can hear voices of his mother chit-chatting with another female's voice. The door opens and reveals a woman. She closes the door and walks forward at him.
His parents all thoughted that things would be very okay with him, but they didn't. Alex eventually suffered physical abuse by the teacher who is hired due to his lack of studying, keeping promises to finished homework given, and making many mistakes repeatedly. The teacher thought that if she hit him or beat him multiple times, Alex would snap to his sense and become determined and has tenacity in focusing on work. But it didn't help.
"ALEX, YOU USELESS CHILD, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY EVEN GET THIS WRONG AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE TAUGHT YOU!!!" the teacher, Ms. Jasmine, yelled at him hard before hitting his elbow with her own hands, and kept on yelling before slapping him on the face, and kicked him on the leg with rage.
Alex didn't respond outrageously. He remained passive and quiet until the teacher cools down. Alex didn't want to argue with the teacher since she has figured his nature, and she uses it to force him not to question any of her words. If Alex dares to, she will step up and leave, promising never to return and teach him ever again and let his father educate him.
Alex is terrified of his father. His father, Mr. Leon, can't stand his anger towards someone who repeatedly makes many mistakes or is extremely stubborn and doesn't know their places. Alex has once done so. He ended up receiving many hits from his father. Sometimes, instead of using his hands, the father would use objects that can leave behind wounds that can make an average human being almost bleed. Yet, his father always scolds him because of his carelessness.
"Yes, yes, Ms. Petra," said Alex to his outrageous teacher.
Alex wasn't okay with his life. He is surrounded by peoples who put a lot of pressure on him. What he wants is not to receive any bad complaining. He wants people to speak formally.
Until one day, he wasn't okay with how things are going back at his home, his parents have put too much pressure onto him, delaying all of his resting times and replaced it with more work and studying for the sake of him being able to become a great person in the future, and so, he ran away. He ran deep into the snowy forest.
He was now alone.
Everything is quite
He sat there in loneliness.
He didn't even sleep.
As days pass by, with no food, drinks, or a warm shelter or anyone, he starts to get weak. But suddenly, one day, he begins to notice that his entire body is adapting to the coldness. His whole body gets paler nowadays, and he starts to feel less tired too, somehow, he doesn't feel tired, and he begins not to feel sleepy at all. But what caught his attention was how tall he becomes. His condition somehow became better. The human skin that is having frostbite suddenly warmed back to regular human skin. His belly that kept on growling every day stops barking. The coldness suddenly just become like a normal thing to him. The boy is now tall as a typical average human being who has reached an adult's age. He thoughted to himself, how calm this happen? Is this magic? Or some unexplainable phenomenon?
This only confused the boy more. However, what shocks him more is that he found out he possessed supernatural powers. Knowing this, the boy thinks that God decided to repay his hardworking, without letting this waste. The boy came back to his old town, tracks down the teacher, and kills her. He then finds his dad, who is drunk and is walking home at midnight. He confronts and beats him up. The boy left behind multiple scars, and some of his father's bones broke in the middle of the winter snow before perishing away without leaving a trace.
Alex has walked the Earth in his new form, in-search of any adults that went very strictly to their children. He lived a really great life, a life of someone who has nothing more than complete free will, but that wasn't until the day when Alex starts to noticed something.
"U-uh, w-what's happening!?" asked Alex.
The skin from both right and left in between his lower and upper jaw began to split and revealed the inside of his mouth, his teeth suddenly became sharp and pointy, his senses are becoming more better, his eyes started to change from regular human eyes to black eyes with red pupils as he now have better visions, his hearings now picks up sounds, noises, and voices from very far distances.
"W-what's happening!?" asked Alex in panic and confusion, he moved back and falls on the ground while he lifts his hands up and touches the right and left of his face to see whether if this is fake or real.
He can literally feel his teeth on the outside.
While Alex is under the state of confusion, a man suddenly appeared out of nowhere behind him.
"I see your being confused of what's happening," said the man.
Alex turned around seeing a man wearing a fedora, with an all-black, grey pinstriped suit and a red tie standing while hiding his face underneath the fedora.
"W-who the hell are you!?" asked Alex.
"Who am I? Guess Alex, guess who I am," said the man.
They say that Alex, to this day, usually walks out from the forest where he first discovered his powers and traced down those who have put too much pressure, or did not give people second chances even when those peoples are speaking formally, being kind. However, they say that the Pale Boy even protects the innocents from any evil beings, regardless of what it is. Some have claimed that this thing here stalks and induces madness upon an evil person.
_________________
Leave Feedback
Close the space between the four tildes in the box and hit the "Leave Feedback" button to begin your comment.
ChristianWallis (talk) 14:10, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
Ben, Penny, Alex, Daisy, Jenny, John, and Annie all got out of the aircraft. It was Summertime, and they were planning to go on a trip to North America.
As they got out of the station, they all took the bus and headed straightforward towards New York City.
"It's gonna take [2 hours] guys, intervals of 2 hours awhile," said John.
"Oh, really, that's lame," said Daisy.
"Well, we can tell some stories to kill time," said Annie.
"Stories about boys?" asked Jenny.
"No, no, I'm talking about urban legend stories, you know, myths," said Annie.
"Urban legends? There are urban legends in North America?" asked Ben.
"Well, yeah, and this legend is about, [no comma] The Pale Boy," said Annie.
"The Pale Boy? Never heard of that," said Ben.
"Well, I'll explain it," said Annie.
"A long time ago..."
_________________
The 17th century of America.
[Maybe go for like 1960 or something. 17th Century means no electricity and no formal schooling.]
It was a freezing night outside on the empty streets. A young boy named "Alex Witzberg" is on his way home after another day of school [mixed up tenses again, past vs present]. Alex's school life wasn't okay. It was the worst and the start of how his life was filled with almost never-ending hardships. Alex is [was] a 15-year-old boy who is [was] just like one of the few children who have [had] misfortune in their lifetime caused by themselves. He is [was] a boy who is passive, kind-hearted, and seemingly always restrains [restrained] himself from letting his anger and violent thoughts from getting [get] the best of him, which, he [.] [He was]is also a crybaby back at his childhood age. Alex is [was] also extremely lazy. He is [was] bad at studying because of [he did] not focused [focus ]on what the teachers are teaching. Because of this, he always comes [came] back with bad scores on his tests. [grades.]
His friends in school always take [took] the opportunity to bully him,[.] one [One] of them, Steve, a short-tempered boy [from a strict family ]born from a family with a few peoples being extremely strict towards each other, was how his life went from a normal, happy boy down to a soft and passive boy. [is this about Steve or Alex?]
[When] Steve firstly [first] became friends with Alex, they get [got] along, but their relationship didn't last long when Alex didn't follow Steve's words, aka orders in [to] sitting [sit] next to him. Because of this, Steve felt like Alex was not a worthy friend, and later unfriended him, and became a tyrant that underestimated those who have the weak-manners and body like Alex. This soon brings Alex's school life down to literal misandry. [This made Alex’s school life a misery]. Steve eventually became a short-tempered bully towards Alex. [you said this already]
The expert skills in soccer, learning, social, and convincing of Steve has made almost all of the students in the class turned their backs on Alex. Alex even lost a friend to him, but some stayed with him. He couldn't fight back, all because of his soft, kind, and passive personalities restricting him from expressing his stress and violence, although he was at-least [at least] relieved that Steve did not attempt to hurt him physically.
What's worst [worse] is that he is [was] born to be fragile, which he has taken [inherited] this personality from his sweet and delighted mother. His father is [was] a rigorous man like Steve, who is [and] a former bully in school. Which he [was] always went strict with Alex and his young brother. Alex wasn't satisfied with [this] it. His father did not allow him to live with a pure pacifistic [it’s just pacificist] and "weakling" [no need for quotes] personality. Yet, since he isn't [wasn’t] a genius nor [able to catch up with] is catching up to his classmates, his father hired a teacher to educate him for intervals of hours with no [without] resting [rest].
"I'm home," said Alex.
"Hello sweety, how was school?" asked Maria.
"It's, fine, mom," said Alex.
###
So this is far as I can do. I’ve picked out a lot of errors and it’s going to be too time consuming to do them all. Did you write this in English or is it a translation?
"Thank you for correcting me, however, I did use Grammarly to correct all of my errors, yet, I even used a premium type, can it expire?"
HopelessNightOwl (talk) 05:37, 7 April 2021 (UTC)
Okay so to start with, there is no reason for this "legend" to take place in 1796. America did not have people with names like "Alex Witzberg" in the 18th century. They did not have K-12 education, female teachers, or any of the other trappings of modern society that this story has.
Beyond that, this story appears to be a standard Jeff the Killer-like pasta about a boy who is bullied, but instead of becoming a serial killer he just turns into a godlike entity. Not only is this an extremely cliched story that does not make much sense, but stories of this type really aren't allowed on this wiki.
https://creepypasta.fandom.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki:Spinoffs/Jeff-%22Inspired%22_Stories
^Read this page. It concerns stories like the one in your draft. Quite frankly your story would have to be greatly overhauled to not be outright banned under the "Jeff rule."
Lastly, if English is not your first language, there are creepypasta wikis in other languages whose members may be able to give you better help, including wikis in Spanish, French, and Portuguese.