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The Violinist[]

  I’ve been hearing a sound. I’ve only faintly heard it… for a moment I thought it was just my imagination. But after this ordeal happening for a week, then two, I started doubting that this was more than just “my imagination”. 
 At first I didn’t know what I was hearing. It was almost mesmerizing. It was such an oddly beautiful tune. Once I started to concentrate on the noise, it almost sounded like… like a violin. A soft violin, yes that’s it. 
 Today marks the 2 week streak of that song playing again for its three hour segment. Every night I was plagued with that horrid tune. It was 12 in the morning. The song always plays when it’s dark, and when nobody is out, which is odd. Right now, it’s a bit early for it to play, so it surprised me when I heard that same eerie tune play. 
 The violin made me wonder. Where was the sound coming from? Who was the person producing such a sound? So many questions. I wondered if my parents could hear it. Maybe I’m just going insane. Just maybe. 

. . .

  The next morning I came down to breakfast. My mother came and as usual, greeted me with a smile and a “good morning”. I sat down, as she gave me some toast. 
 “How did you sleep, hun.” Said my mother, her grin practically radiating. I wondered how she could be this cheery. 
 “Not great…” I muttered. 
 “Aw… well, it’s a good thing it’s a weekend. Your father is out for a business meeting, and won’t be back till Monday. I'm going to my moms, so you watch over the house while I’m gone ok? I won’t be back till tomorrow.” 
 “Ok mom.” I paused, “Hey mom, do you hear a violin at night playing? I’ve been hearing it… It’s usually early in the morning.” 
 My mom looked at me concerned, but gave a forced smile. She wasn’t hiding it very well, she always have been like that. Keeping secrets wasn’t really her thing. 
 “No, I do not. You say it’s early in the morning, maybe you're just sleep deprived.” Offered my mother. 
 I’m adamant that I wasn’t… I was actually awoken by the sound. I drop the conversation though. My mother probably thinks I am insane. To be honest, I do too. I watch as my mother grabs her things, waves goodbye, and leaves. 
 Then it hit me. I’m all by myself tonight… I can investigate what that mysterious tune is. I began to think… What do I know about this… this thing? 
 I knew that it was the sound of a violin, and that it always came at the early hours of morning. I once got up to investigate, when I first started hearing it. Over by the forest that I can see in my backyard, I saw a flash of… something? A person? Too big to be a cat or a raccoon…

I thought nothing of it. Till now.

 So I knew maybe the place of… whatever is playing that violin, and at what time it appears. As I pondered about what else, I came to a sudden realization. 
 This thing might be dangerous. I never had thought about that. Whatever this unknown entity is, wants my attention for a reason, lest it be good or bad. I came to the conclusion I should make a note, and stick it to the kitchen counter, saying where I’m going, why I’m going, just in case I never come back. 
 That is a scary thought. Just in case I never come back. For all I know it’s nothing but maybe a squirrel. But it’s still safe to have that note, just in case. 
 I look at the time. 5 o’ clock. It’s been a few hours, hasn’t it? I got up to get the mail. I noticed my neighbor, Martha, waved at me, and I waved back. She walked up to the fence that spaced our yards apart. She was a nice old lady, and I really enjoyed her company. 
 “Hi Martha! How are you doing?” I chirp, glad to see her. 
 “Oh I'm just doing fantastic, darling. You look quite tired, are you having trouble sleeping?” Said Martha. I smile. Nothing gets past her. I then realized maybe she might know of the violin. 

“Yeah, I've been having some trouble sleeping. Say… have you been hearing a violin playing? I've been hearing it nearly every night.” I ask, hoping I might get some answers. 
 To my dismay, Martha’s smiling face turns to a cold, pale, serious one. She seemed flustered. She suddenly leans closer to me. I too, lean closer. I want to get as much information as possible. 
 “I’ve… heard some rumors, I’ve never heard it myself, but legend says that there is this creature, that has been banished in that very forest that’s behind your backyard. Legend says that whoever hears his violin are his next victim. If… if I were you I wouldn’t go to that forest.” Muttered Martha. 
 I laughed, and smiled at Martha. 
 “It’s probably just a silly myth, Martha. I’m probably just hearing things. You shouldn’t worry about that!” I reassure Martha. She stared at me, for a good few seconds. I shift my weight, uncomfortable. She sighed, and turned. 
 “I-I have… to go… Do get some sleep…” said Martha, quickly, before walking back to her house and slamming the door. I found such behavior to be way odd for her. I grabbed some pizza from the fridge, and heated it up. I nibbled on it, and wrote the letter. After finishing the pizza and the letter, I taped it on the kitchen counter, and went to bed. 

. . .

 Right on cue, I awaken to the sound of that unknown, haunting sound. 1:00, right on time. I grab my robe, flashlight, phone, and put my shoes on. I take a deep breath, and take a step outside, heading towards the forest. I follow the sound of the violin, hearing it as it gets louder and louder, as I grow deeper and deeper. I couldn’t see my house anymore which made me a little nervous… though I already have been from the start. 
 I swing my flashlight around. Thankfully, I seem to be close to the source. 
 “Hello…?” I say tentatively. 
 Suddenly I see a flash go behind a tree. I swing my flashlight wildly, stunned, as my heart rate quickens. My hand trembles. I notice how dizzy I’ve started to become, as I stumble. And there, I see it. 
 I distinctly see a black fedora, that I am fully aware of. I shine it again as my vision blurs. A man, definitely. He must be in his 20’s? 30’s? He has pale blonde hair, almost white. He wore a very long black scarf which blew in the wind. He was tall, 6 feet I estimate. He wore black gloves, black trench boots, black pants, gray turtleneck, and a black trench coat. He really did like black things… One thing I did notice was his face was turned away from me. 
  He was the man of the violin. 
 “Excuse me! Excuse me sir, who are you?” I called. 
 The man pauses, and stops his playing, slowly dropping his bow. He puts down his violin. He slightly turns to me, still not revealing his face. 
 “So you noticed, my dear, of my music?” Said the violinist. I was taken aback by his voice. It was so raspy, and… demonic. 
 “W-why, er, yes sir.” I stuttered, collecting myself. 
 “It’s a shame, you’re so polite. I bet you’ll be just as delicious.” Chuckled the man. 
 He turned around and I screamed. His face… oh god his face… His skin was pale, and sunken, like he hadn’t seen the sun in a very long time. His eyes were pitch black, like I was looking into hell itself. Though the only color in those pitch black eyes were these white slits, maybe his pupils, in his eyes. It was almost like a cat's eye. His lips were black. 
 Slowly he started to begin to smile. His smile was normal, well… not really. It was like the smile of a predator finally finding its prey. And when he showed his teeth, I saw a row of razor sharp teeth. Tiny, pointy, needle-like teeth.
 He snarled, and charged at me. His abnormally long tongue hung out of his mouth, that too, was black, like the most of the things in his body. He ripped his gloves off revealing long, black claws, in which he swiped them at me. I dodged, yelped, and ran for my life. My flashlight started to flicker. 
 “No, no, no! Not now, don’t die please!!” I scream at the flashlight. It was no use. I just had to blindly run through this god-forsaken forest, for my life, from this… this THING. 
 I wail, as I see in my peripheral vision the monster trying to attempt another slash at me with his claws. I could tell this thing was hungry, he wanted food, and I was his only source of it. I run and I run, until I hear that awful violin. I didn’t know he had brought it! 
 My vision begins to dwindle. I start getting dizzy, and my pace starts becoming slower. No, I can’t stop, I gotta keep going! Suddenly, I trip over a tree root. I can see my house, I'm almost there!
 
 “Where do you think YOU are going?” He says in that scratchy, awful, voice, as I feel my body get tackled. 
 Tears stream down my face. This can’t be the end. But it is. I don’t want to die. 
 “Nobody escapes the Violinist.” 
 Then my world turns to black, as my last thought was “At least I tried”. 



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Aphibacus192000 (talk) 17:34, 12 October 2023 (UTC)[]

Feedback:

It's redundant to have the main character say that his mom's smile was forced, and THEN that he could tell it was forced. Either combine both thoughts into one sentence, or have the second sentence be like "She didn't hide it very well."

Why write down everything the main character knows about the violinist on paper? Seems like a weird move. Also weird that they didn't think seeing something person sized in the woods was relevant until writing it down, but I'm more willing to let that slide.

You use "chirp" as a way to describe the way someone talks twice. Unless it is intentionally meant to connect the way the main character and the mother talk. If it's not, then pick a different word.

"To my dismay, Martha’s smiling face turns to a cold, pale, serious one." The verb should be "turned" in this sentence, to match the tense of the rest of the paragraph.

"Right on cue, I awaken to the sound of that unknown, haunting sound." A little clunky to have the word "sound" in here twice. Maybe use "noise" for one of them.

"I follow the sound of the violin, hearing it as it gets louder and louder, as I grow deeper and deeper." Is that supposed to say "go" instead of "grow"?

I'm sorry but the violinist sounds like a big m'lady mall rat. Not really threatening. It's really hard for me to shake that image of him being a big neck beard. Maybe because you lead with the detail of his fedora? If you picked a more unusual costume it might land a lot better.

"He was the man of the violin." This is some uncharacteristically strange wording... And not in a good way. It comes off almost comically clunky, especially after the description of the monster.

"His smile was normal, well… not really. It was like the smile of a predator finally finding its prey." The first part of this takes away from the second part. Just make the sentence, "His smile was like a predator finally finding it's prey."

Does the violinist just wear the gloves to play violin?

That ending leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe it would be more satisfying with a struggle, then the main character thinks they get away, then they get caught? I'm not sure.

Is this Violinist an established character outside of this story? That's what it feels like. Maybe because the monster needs to be developed more. What are the Violinist's motivations? Is it just to eat people? I just feel like the Violinist needs some more interesting details to be a really compelling monster. Maybe the violin itself is something?

If no one escapes the Violinist, how does Martha know about it? How come no one else hears the violin, when it's just a seemingly normal violin?

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