The Wooden Boy[]
W.I.P
[kids laughter is heard as we head into a camp ground in a very old town] “Alright kids time for a campfire story!” shouted the camp counsler [the kids cheered happily and got in there seats around the campfire] “This story is a scary one kids, hope you all don't scare easy..” the counsler warned the kids and continued “The story originated in this very town..” “Woah..” the kids said and whispered amongst other kids and one kid raised his hand.
“Yes Keith?” the counsler asked, “I’ve head from my parents about the urban legend of this town, I cant remember the name of it though..” Keith stated to the counsler, “ Well keith that's the story I'm going to tell.. The story of The Wooden boy.” the counsler said with a deep tone, ‘once upon a time,50 years ago on a night just like this [fade back 50 years ago into an old wooden house] there was a wood worker named Marcus, he was very well known in the town and he had just finished his latest creation, A Wooden boy and named him Occy’
—---------------------------
“There, that outta do it” Marcus sighed out in relief as he put his tools down onto the table looking at his new piece of work
“I will name you Occy” Marcus said as he smiled in joy to finally be done with the construction part
“Now theres one last thing I gotta do, but I don't know if i have the heart to do it….” Marcus said hesitantly as he slowly grabbed a dark covered book
“No, Ive gotta do this, Ive been without a son for too long, I cant wait any longer, I must do what needs to be done, don't worry Occy” Marcus said as he grabbed a photo of a him holding the shoulder of a small boy “Tonight I will bring you back, we’ll be family again…” Marcus added as he grabbed a sharp object and a towel and poured a weird green looking liquid on it then put the object in his tool belt
“I must have everything prepared”Marcus said as he drew a pentagram on the ground putting the wooden boy on a stool in the middle of it
“Now, to find a small boy….” Marcus sighed sadly as he went out the door of his building into the big neighborhood and stopped at a house that he knew a little boy lived at and went up the steps and knocked on the door
[the little boy answered the door] “y-yes h-hh-how may I help you?” the young boy stuttered out
Marcus smiled, “Well, hello little boy, are your parents home?”
[the little boy shook his head no] “n-nn-no s-s-sir” the little boy stuttered out
“Well may I come in so I can wait for them” Marcus asked politely as he reached into the pocket with the towel
[the little boy opened the door , but Marcus sprung to him putting the towel over his mouth knocking the boy out cold]
“Now to get back without causing trouble” Marcus looked around spotting a useful shortcut
“Yes that way” Marcus said as he carried the little boy’s body to his home
[Marcus opened his door and closed it behind him and laid the body out and got the sharp object out of his belt]
“I plead to you prophet, I give you a sacrifice to be granted a single wish that i want most dearly!” Marcus chanted
“I hereby sacrifice this to appeal to you greater demons to be granted a single wish in the name of the all-powerful prophet” Marcus chanted out as he drove the sharp object through the little boy killing the boy getting on his knees bowing
“I HAVE RECIEVED YOUR REQUEST” said the all-powerful prophet “ I SHALL HEAR YOU OUT MORTAL, WHAT IS YOUR WISH?!” proclaimed the prophet in a thunderous boom
Marcus raised one hand to the prophet and exclaimed, “ I wish for my son occy back all-powerful prophet!”
“AND HOW SHALL IT BE DONE MORTAL?!” the prophet asked with a thunderous boom
“With the wooden boy i put in the middle of the pentagram mighty prophet!” Marcus said as he rose to his knees keeping one hand up closing his eyes
“CONSIDER IT DONE, BUT I WARN YOU MORTAL, THERE WILL BE A DOWN SIDE TO YOUR WISH, WHAT THE DOWNSIDE IS I WILL NOT SAY, BUT NOW I GRANT THE WOODEN BOY WITH THE SOUL OF YOUR SON OCCY” the prophet said in a thunderous boom as he reached out to the wooden boy and and white flash happens before Marcus’s eyes and is shortly followed after is darkness with a very loud boom and Marcus is knocked by a strong wind to the other room.
Marcus picks his head off the ground looking to the pentagram to see his wooden boy moving looking at it’s hands
“O-occy?” Marcus asked to the wooden boy while on the ground
“Yes father?” the wooden boy replied while looking to Marcus
Marcus broke out into tears of happiness as he chuckled and got up from the ground then ran to the wooden boy to hug him “ MY SON! Your back! I got you back my back my boy!” Marcus shouted in joy
“Yes father, I'm back, just as you wanted…” the wooden boy said “but, i have the feeling you wanted a real boy father…” the wooden boy said looking down
“WHAT that's nonsense Occy, all that matters is that your back!, wooden or real.. Your my son!” Marcus said as he held up the chin of the wooden boy
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NovaNotSuper (talk) 19:06, 6 September 2023 (UTC)[]
at the beginning of the story i see that you have descriptions of sounds and scenery in brackets (like [this]). while i don’t think this is a bad choice, i think it might be helpful to let the audience know why the story is formatted this way. is this a recording or transcription? why would there be a recording of someone telling a campfire story? it opens up a few new options for exposition, as well as the ending. it personally reminds me of some sort of police tapes or found footage.
there are definitely some grammar errors, but i would be happy to help you sort those out. if you have trouble with english grammar, there are many resources on the internet to help you hone your skills!
it is also in the rules of the writer’s workshop to try to avoid posting unfinished works and to write your complete story in another app before copying and pasting it here. i’m not an admin, so i don’t know how serious of a problem this is, just thought i’d mention it so you were aware :]
i definitely think this story has a very interesting premise (so far reminiscent of pinocchio), and i think a few changes to your tone and POV might go a long way. this is written as a campfire story, so it’s likely that the person telling it will not know exactly how the events happened or exactly what was said by each character.
there may be a few more things but this is what i saw right off the bat. i’m excited to see what you have in store! :]